#but then my favorite director friend texted me the literal morning after my breakdown knowing nothing and was like hey do u wanna do costume

[eternalstateofoctober]

tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,