#but they’re old news. everyone and their grandpa know they’re autistic

[raccoons-in-a-trenchcoat]

‘Oh Spock is autistic’ ‘oh Data is autistic’ Tilly is literally right there.

[hydemind]

Your thoughts on Isaac, William, Frankie an Jack 🎤?

OHHHHHH CROW I COULD GO ON ABOUT THEM FOR HOURS.

this post is SUPER FUCKING LONG so for the first time in my life im using a read more link.

I'm gonna start out with Will, who, a little fun fact, isn't actually named William! His full name is Willis Grossman. His parents thought it'd be funny. Will doesn't know his full name.

Here are some other fun facts about me and @functionentropy 's Will (along with other characters below) (he is also the one who has been making this entire creepypasta interp with me! Go check out their art or else /lh):

Will was born in the late 1800s early 1900s!

His parents were a lot like a Bonnie and Clyde duo, and they cared and loved for Will very, very much.

Will always looked up to Isaac! He wanted to be exactly like his grandpa when he grew up. Isaac was also a wonderful grandfather as well.

Will, on his 13th birthday, got Isaac's mask as a gift. When he got it, Isaac said to him: "keep it safe. It's a family heirloom.", Will uses that excuse as to why he still wears it to this day.

Speaking of Isaac, he's the underrealm equivalent to a tumblr sexyman. Everyone thinks he's hot shit, but that also goes for a lot of serial killers residing in the underrealm. Will unfortunately had to see his grandfather on magazine covers talking about the underrealm's HOTTEST NEW KILLER. He hates it.

Will ran away from home after Isaac died at around the age of 20 to 21, and considering he was a legal adult, his parents couldn't do much. They're still looking for him. (How, you may ask? Well, a little thing about the underrealm is that it stunts growth. You're essentially unable to die of old age down there. Think shitty immortality. His parents are looking for him, and they know he's in the underrealm- so that's how they are still around!)

Will had the worst time in the underrealm for the first few years he was down there. He wasn't immediately enrolled in the institution and he had a hard time holding down a job. Eventually he met Frankie! They live(d) in an apartment together. The first time Frankie met Will he thought he was Isaac and told his landlord and him HELL NO. Frankie does not like Isaac. Cue [will's offended gasp] and him saying he's his GRANDSON, and WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE ISAAC SUCKED? Cue Frankie making fun of him for being a grandpa's boy.

Frankie and Will had a bumpy relationship for a while. Will wasn't always a good person. Not really bad, just a fucking dumbass.

Speaking of Frankie...

Here's stuff about Frankie!

Frankie's origin story is essentially the same in this interp. Except for the fact that Frankie very much HAD A PAST. (which. If u wanna know more........I would love to talk about it......but this is about CURRENT Frankie so if u wanna know more bro just pop up in my dms or send another ask im feeling wild tonight)

After Amy passed (which was NOT due in part to the operator in this universe. The operator just found her like that) he was found by Bell (prince beelzebub, ruler of the underrealm at that point). You should know Frankie wasn't always an adjusted and normal fuckin person. He was like a rabid dog for a good while there.

While Frankie was unhinged he fucking death rolled Daisy the first time they met. (Daisy is an oc! I'm willing to talk more about him if you want the deets. He's interesting :]) because of this Daisy is the only one allowed to openly make fun of Frankie. (Playfully, of course.)

Daisy and Bell both basically helped Frankie adjust to society.

Frankie is autistic! So is Will. And Isaac. All. Everyone. Everyone has autism. (Shhhh. i'm projecting.)

Frankie can see souls! He's a very good judge of character because of it. However Frankie doesn't know what he's seeing is people's souls.

Frankie goes specifically after bad people. He'll take jobs from bad people, but he'll kill them, too. He says "he's sending them back to where they belong".

Frankie was the first to really show Will killing isn't just something you do. It's more than that. Will had never really processed death and murder of his fellow man like that before. He has a hard time even processing people as people sometimes, outside those of whom he cares for. This is because of Isaac. Isaac taught Will that people are bad- all of them. And that killing them is preventing them from hurting others, even if they haven't yet.

Frankie is a good guy and honestly a softie deep down. He worries and cares for all those who are close to him, even if he doesn't act like it sometimes.

Frankie says Toby "kidnapped him" and "made him diseased". 1. Frankie can very much leave the household at any time and 2. Frankie is referring to the operator sickness. Speaking of that-

Frankie was dragged through the operator's own personal hell! (Aka the realm they reside in more often than not, aka the place that Tim gets tossed around in near the end of marble hornets.) Reason being was because he threatened Toby's life. The operator is very protective of Toby.

Speaking of that, someone else was around when Toby met Frankie...

ONTO LAUGHING JACK!

ohhh man. Oh man. Oh baby. This clown is FULL of illness. Alright. So let's start off simple:

Lj was of course, made for Isaac. That's still a consistency. What isn't is that lj was around Isaac for a lot longer than in the original story. They developed a very close bond over the years they knew eachother, but, all good things must come to an end.

Lj returned to his box when Isaac left for boarding school. However, unlike the original story....Isaac didn't really come back to open the box. In fact, the most Isaac did was...well, I'll wait to spill that for Isaac's part later.

However! Eventually the house got passed off to another family. Years, and it mean YEARS later someone found lj's box in the attic! They were an unfortunate casualty.

After this, lj went and hunted Isaac down. Cue gore filled murder scene.

Things to note: LJ feels HORRIBLE about what he did to Isaac. He regrets it everyday. He wishes he had never done that to him.

But, time skip a bit.. we're further in the future now. LJ has his carnival set up and hidden away in an empty spot in the forest. He eventually comes across a wandering spirit because of this. This wanderer just so happens to be Sally!

LJ takes her in and swears to protect her with his life. In a way, you could say he sees her as a chance of redemption.

Sally was a wandering spirit, meaning she never really was stuck to one spot in particular- also meaning she wasn't very strong. Because of this, LJ gave her some of his own angelic essence. This boosted Sally and essentially made her a poltergeist!

(Note: Sally doesn't know how she died. Also, none of the things in her og story happened to her in this one. Fuck mishimishi. All my homies hate mishimishi.)

A little while after this they actually meet Toby and Jeffery! But this is getting long and to explain THAT entire debacle would make it even longer. but again I fully invite you to send more asks or just straight up dm me if you wanna know!

Now, last, but certainly not least..

ISAAC GROSSMAN.

OH MAN. Isaac is a DOOZY. Just like LJ, this baby is chocked FULL of illnesses! *slaps the top of his head like the roof of a car* but also, fair warning here: im gonna be talking about some heavy stuff. Abuse, physical and mental, gore, just. Death in general. Cannibalism, and EXTREME MENTAL ILLNESS *loud airhorn* so if any of that stuff gets to you steer clear of this part!

Anyways, let's start out simple!

Isaac was born in victorian England.

Isaac's mother was terrible towards him. I'm talking mental and physical abuse. She was a horrible, horrible woman.

Isaac's father...he wasn't a good person either, but he didn't beat Isaac. Nor did he really mentally abuse him either. He just...let it happen. He didn't even hurt his mother like he did in the original story. Isaac's mother was just plain bad for no good reason.

Isaac was sort of. Born having mental illness. They didn't just develop for him due to the abuse he experienced, though they certainly DID make it worse. There were other mental issues he has now that developed due to the abuse, however.

LJ was quite literally a godsend for Isaac. Metaphorically and not Metaphorically. LJ made Isaac happy, gave him comfort, and was basically like the mom he never had.

that's why it was so hard on Isaac when he had to leave lj behind. For a while he even had hallucinations of lj while in boarding school (which only furthered his future belief that lj was a hallucination brought on by the need to cope).

Isaac's first technical "murder" you could say was at boarding school. He pushed a shitty teacher down the stairs when there was no one around and they died. It wasn't even premeditated- more like it just sort of..happened.

Eventually Isaac graduated. When he did, he promptly returned home and killed his parents, as you do. /s

Isaac killed his mom in a rather violent fashion in comparison to his father- he whiplashed her so hard she fucking died.

Not long after this Isaac started his..well. I guess you could call it career.

Basically you know what happens after that. human skin chair, yadda yadda yadda, underrealm's sexiest killer, you know the drill.

Isaac did more than the human skin chair though! In fact, he uh. He. He did a lot. He did. SO much. But that was because Isaac believed in not wasting any part of the body. Which means Isaac not only made human skin chairs, but he was an avid cannibal, as well. (Fun fact, this very much extended to Will's father, mother, and Will as well. Will didn't know they were eating human for a long time. He had to realize that on his own.)

Eventually, Isaac punched his ticket because of LJ. But..I'd be a liar to say he really died.

No, our wonderful boy Isaac didn't die. He became a ghoul. Which, by the way, only further fucked with Isaac mentally! He's so ill. Some other things happened which I won't say here because they're spoilers for the fanfic I'm working on (Oh yeah the hyperfixation is that bad, but if you wanna know, again, I fully invite you to ask), but basically Isaac eventually gets taxidermied by, drumroll please..TOBY!!!! yeah. Toby does taxidermy as a job. He invited a new type of it for taxidermying Isaac. It was to repay daisy for something he did for the group.

But to say, again, that THAT was Isaac's end, would be another lie! No no no. Isaac was alive during the entire process! The good news is that he's never looked better after he escaped daisy's house when it got exploded by Frankie. Which..that's uh..another story for another day. This post is already insanely long and I am NOT putting it in the main tags.

So yeah! Im absolutely crazy for these dudes and I love all of them. By the way if you couldn't guess before Frankie and Will very much get together and are so so gay. Another little thing: Isaac is gay too, he had a past relationship with a man by the name of Dr. Locklear! Locklear is French German and his accent shows it. They were very close but fell out because of Locklear being involved with the institution and...a certain foundation.

I'll leave it to you to ponder on that one.

[dnawield--a]

002. BEN IS AUTISTIC

Hi, in this house we support and accept the notion that Ben is autistic. No, I won’t elaborate.

EXCEPT I WILL.

Going off the original series, Ben almost comes off as a neurotypical kid: just chilling, ready to leave for summer vacation with his grandpa across the country, seeing he failed a test, but who cares? It’s summer time! Tries to help this other kid who’s getting picked up, only to fair less than successful (hanging from his underwear from a tree branch with the other kid who’s pissed Ben made things worse), and then is picked up from his grandfather. Excitedly, he runs into the Rv lovingly named “The Rustbucket”, but his chipper attitude quickly changes upon seeing his cousin, Gwen, sitting there.

Immediately, he’s getting angry over her being there. This was not part of the routine that he was ready for; it was only supposed to be him and his grandpa. He says, “What is SHE doing here?!” She’s ruining everything! He’s angry! He’s mad! He’s yelling! He goes right up in her face, and it’s only his cousin’s insistence that this was her mother’s idea, and not hers. He’s still mad, but it stays aimed at her as her mom isn’t here. The tantrum takes a near twenty minutes for him to calm.

Later on, watching the Universe take him as its new host, the Omnitrix ( from the containment it was preciously protected by ) hatches and latches onto its new home on the young boy’s wrist. The mixture of fear of a foreign object JUMPING onto his wrist and not letting go as well as the immediate discomfort at this new sensation on his wrist. It feels like something is suctioning itself into his skin. Bad! Bad! Bad texture! But he can’t take it off. It’s stuck. He cries for a moment, biting at his wrist, hoping to get it off. That’s what we don’t see. What we do see his the desperate attempts with a stick to try and force it off, but no. It has decided to stay put. As much as he wants it off, Ben realizes it’s stuck.

Things, however take a turn for the better when he hears the beep when the dial pops up. He turns the dial, and he instantly looks excited. That wondrous click clack! The noise makes the awful sensation on his wrist lighten, and he just keeps fiddling. Stim away the bad feelings of what’s on your wrist. Maybe it’ll make a comforting noise when you push down?

The rest is history. Dangerous stim toy, and yeah, more than that, but hey! Stim!

Fast forward another year, the end of summer. He’s spent a lot of time using this one new alien. It feels good. He loves this alien. Feedback is great! He loves Feedback. He loves this new routine he’s settled into. It feels good to have one. Yeah, everyone tells him he shouldn’t rely on the one alien, but...he was doing fine right now. He always won! Ben was a super hero after all! Heroes always come on top! However, that routine comes to an end- one he wouldn’t ever be prepared for. No easing out of it like his mother and father always so carefully helped with. As much as he loved his grandfather, Max was rather old fashioned. Ben’s tantrums were his fault and he just “had to mature” and get over it.

He’s being treated as if this is an addiction. This is what he likes! This is what makes him happy! He spent a whole nine months having to keep going alien on such a down low! Give him this! He gets angry again! Another tantrum is coming, and he runs out, away from people who don’t want to understand and talk to him like his parents! Only they’ve been good about how he thinks! How he works! Everyone else keeps trying to force him to change without giving him time or attention or trying to find ways to help him ease out of a routine! But no! He was immature! He’s acting up for attention! He can hear his cousin try to talk to him, but he’s angry. It’s her fault! Her mom thinks he’s just acting up! He’s heard his moms phone calls with his aunt about him. His mom always defends him! She tells her what’s up, but Aunt Natalie doesn’t ever get it! She just thinks this is something he has to repress! Gwen clearly has to think so as well!

Malware- evil Malware- comes and that’s when he decides to make a point. Turn into Feedback! Stop the bad guy with his favorite alien! That’ll show them all!

Except it doesn’t.

He loses him. No more Feedback. No more happy feelings. Literally, they were ripped from him, like in school and like the times with his aunt. It doesn’t matter the one who took what he loved from him had blown up------------ it didn’t bring back what Ben lost. He just hides in the bathroom the trip back home.

These are the instances from the past in show that I go back to for this headcanon. I have my own that don’t have “canon” basis, but canon is a suggestion at this point in life. When Ben turned three, he still hadn’t spoken. His parents decided to have him evaluated, and in the mean time, all three of them learned sign language together so they could communicate. Sandra and Carl learned just how patient they could be. Finding out that their kid was a boy, that he didn’t like these kinds of foods because they feel ‘icky’ and ‘bad’ so they learned to work with it. They learned he has certain ways he wants to do things. When it’s okay, they let him do it his way. When it’s not, they all communicate and find ways to work with him so they can come to an agreement. By age five and a few months after, he begins to verbally communicate more. It’s amazing! Both parents are amazed at how much he likes to talk, although, they do come and find that while they try to always explain to him calmly he can’t say certain things like that to people during these situations, he never quite could get it. But they knew, and they never reprimanded him. That’s why he was always a good son. They all communicated. His parents learned how to listen, and Ben learned how to tell them what he wanted- be it verbally or through sign when he would go back to being non-vocal.

Honestly, you sorta get pull this idea from the fact that Ben’s parents in AF are having a conversation about how they’ve done a pretty good job raising their son. They give him enough freedom, and he does well in school, he does well in his sports, since his second summer with his grandpa, he never deals with issues in school for disciplinary things. He’s grown up to be a really GOOD kid, and they’re AWARE that they’ve done good as parents! They literally ONLY became super strict there for a bit and limited his freedom SO MUCH was because they found out he was fighting aliens and literally putting his LIFE on the line. It wasn’t outlandish of them to do that. They genuinely are afraid for their son. They don’t even CARE he turns into horrifying aliens; they care that he’s been lying to them despite the relationship they’ve built over the course of so many years. And at the end of the episode, they’re still worried, but TRUST him that he’ll be safe and CONTINUE to let him have his freedom because THIS is so important to both him and the Universe.

There’s a bit of repression of his autistic habits such as stimming ( via fiddling with the Omnitrix), his hyperfixations/special interests (granted yeah the Universe does take precedence), and he becomes colder because he gets reprimanded when he has a tantrum because no one (aside from Gwen) takes the time to realize how they have to talk to him about things. And even she doesn’t ALWAYS get it, but all of team 10 has their issues with emotions and actually talking things out. Gwen tries her best, and HAS learned sign from Ben, so sometimes she signs with him when she can tell he can’t get his point across verbally.

OV he’s more free to his autistic self that his parents taught him to LOVE about himself, that it’s not a part of himself he SHOULD be repressing simply because his role model is telling him it’s bad (in Max’s own subtle ways of being ableist). And while Ben doesn’t think poorly of his grandfather for being annoyed with the fact Ben is not ashamed of being autistic, he is aware his grandpa doesn’t know everything and this is one thing his parents will ALWAYS have over him.

Everyone still gets on his case about fiddling with the watch, but like, he’s still gonna do it. He does find other things around him to stim with so he doesn’t mess with the Omnitrix all that much, but still. He happy flaps his hands, and doesn’t care if his grandpa (or anyone really) makes a comment ‘cause who cares what you think? He’s feeling good and feeling happy and THIS is how he’s gonna express it.

[bacholeee]

9-27-20 Blog

as of me writing this it is 8:13 PM on September 27th 2020. i’ll start with what i did yesterday on September 26th. I woke up at around 6:30 ish and around 3 hours later me and my family started heading to Spokane to go to the mall. i like car rides, i like listing to music while i see the secneary. the only downside is everyone went, including my grandma and grandpa. i don’t hate neither of them, my grandma is loud and obnoxious, cries a lot about her other son (my dads brother) because him and his family been distance towards us for no reason. anyway. it’s a two hour drive and i’m sitting listing to music. and after awhile we finally made it. we stopped at Carl Jr for some food and it was the worst experience i had at a fast food restaurant. we went inside to only be greeted by an old lady working there, on top of that she was new so i’m guessing she had no idea what to do. even worse, there was only 3 employees there. so fuck now i wait about 30 to 45 minutes for our food to be ready and as we headed back we took like 10 or 15 minutes looking for a park to stop and eat, until my brother got anxious and at the last minute decided to eat in the car. we enjoyed our food and we went towards the mall. my autistic brother being really axious and making noises, while my mom and grandma went to a store. me, my dad and brother waited by some seats. after awhile i told my dad I was going to look at stores by myself and he let me. I went to the second story and the first store i stopped was a store which had DVD’s, Blu-Rays, PS2 Games, and other games from the last gen. I was so mesmerized i wanted to stay for a long time, but I was saving up for the new COD, so, I couldn’t spend a lot of money. i left the store with the intention of coming back and buying something. i went to the store next door which was “Uncle’s Games”. it was a store that had board games and other stuff like that. i looked around nothing, except for these Power Rangers Card deck (which i didn’t get btw) I stopped by the typical malls, JCPenny, Macy’s, Zummes, Rue21 etc. but i didn’t get anything. I went back to that video store and I actually got something. I got Spider-Man movie tie in game for the Ps2. and a TMNT 2007 movie tie in game for the Ps2. I also got the TMNT 2007 movie on Blu-Ray, although i already own it on DVD, i’d been planning on updating all my DvD’s with Blu-Rays or 4k’s. the total cost was $35 dollars. a bit expansive but worth it. i used to have Spider-Man when I was a kid, now i need to get Power Rangers Super Legends and my child hood would be complete.after that my family came in and my brother got “The Wiggles Movie” on Vhs. after that we started looking for my Grandma and Grandpa, and once we found them we began heading home.

Now that leads me to today. I woke up at around 8:30. my mom told me the night before that she and my grandma were going to church.Me being an atheist i didn’t want to go, but my family not knowing about it i said “if i wake up early” My dad and grandpa were making bacon, I stayed in bed for a while scrolling through twitter. around 20 minutes later I got dressed, took a shit and brushed my teeth. as they were done making the bacon, my mom and grandma came back and my dad and grandpa were begining to serve the bacon. like a 50′s tv sitcome, the only thing was missing was the cheezy diolague

“hi honey! were home”

“honey! the bacon is ready!”

“oh goody! Kids! breakfast is ready”

anyway we ate breakfast any my dad said he was heading to Wal-Mart to get some stuff cause my uncle (my dads brother) was coming over, and bringing his three daughters. little known secret between me and the oldest is that she doesn’t like me. the only reason i found out was when one of my friends called me, he was hanging out with his cousin, and that cousin was friends with my cousin (the oldest sister) my friends cousin asked him who he’s talking two and he said my name and said her friend (my cousin) talks about me, come to find out my friend told me, that his cousin said tht my cousin doesn’t want to associate with me. the left me depressed for a couple of days. I asked my friend again asking if its true and he sent me a voice message saying 

“dude she said “I don’t want to associate with him” with a skull emoji at the end” at that point, it has to be true. it made sense to me but i don’t want to elaborate for private reasons. i never told anybody about it since, 1 it might not be real, and 2 i don’t want my family to go through more drama then there already is. 

As for the rest well, they act like I don’t exist.

i asked my dad if he could take me to Best Buy so they could fix my computer, he agreed so i grabbed my laptop and went to the car. But before we went to Wal-Mart we went to a car  wash and washed the car, spent a good half in hour there then we went to Wal-Mart got some few stuff for the Barbecue and went to Best Buy. i took my computer there and they said they’ll fix it but it’ll cost $100 dollars. i paid $60 while my dad paid the rest ($48) then said they’ll email me when it’s fixed. then we left and started getting ready for the barbecue. i later learned that one of my cousins were coming over, but leaving as soon as the other ones i mentioned showed up. it was awhile until my other cousins were showed up and i got really excited. we continued watching this hilariously bad show one of my friends made. and just clowned on it. later ate some stake and later the other family i mentioned came, they brought they’re little dogs which are brother’s of my dog. I had to watch my dog because my grandpa let his dog of his leash and they began to play. I had to bring my dog back in because my grandpa’s dog isn’t really healthy and we don’t want my dog being sick. i began to watch “Nice Guy’s” until my cousin came (the one who said she didn’t want to associate) she sat down without saying a word and began watching the movie with me. my grandma and mother walking in on us saying “c’mon talk” but in actuality we haven’t talked like relatives for about 2 or 3 years. a quarter until the movie ended my mom walked in saying my cousins mom came, and my cousin left again with out saying a word. I finished the movie and didn’t come out of my room due to my introverted nature and now I’m here. i’m probably going to watch old video tapes to remember the good times.  

[pisati]

I talked to my mom yesterday, just about all kinds of things. I thought I decided a while ago to keep her out of the loop on my health situation, but I guess things are okay if I just keep her up to date but keep her at a distance. not like it’s ever not been like that, though. once I hit 18 and could make decisions for myself without parental permission I was already used to having to advocate for myself. I get that my mom was busy and stressed when I was younger. but thinking back... it kind of hurts that she didn’t fight harder for me. she DID take me to doctors and she does still cover my costs. but I think she gave up on trying a long time ago. it’s hard to tell if she thinks I’m faking too. I don’t think she does, but sometimes it does feel like she thinks I’m thinking too hard about it. I should just sit down and take the hand I was dealt, despite not having any answers. 

I told her about the FM/a test, and she thinks it’s a good idea to go for it. if it’s just a quick blood draw and insurance will probably cover it, what’s the harm? either I come up negative (a good thing, in some ways), or I come up positive and finally have my answer. yeah it would suck to definitively know that I have something for the rest of my life and there is a very real possibility it will get worse, but when I know what it is I can better learn how to manage it. that’s all I want at this point. 

I also mentioned that when I was volunteering last, my volunteer coordinator showed a group of us a slightly old version of the plans for the new shelter the county is building. it’s going to be a much bigger facility, which is nice, and it’ll be a good bit closer to home. there are a lot of cool features. but I also mentioned to mom how I’d been volunteering for almost two years now, and it’s finally at the point where I’m meeting new volunteers for the first time and they already know who I am. my VC calls me the queen of smalls, and defers to me for pretty much everything small-animal related. staff all know me by name too, and I’ve done a lot in the way of training. the new shelter is on-schedule as of right now, to be finished in september. by that point, I will have been volunteering for just short of 3 years, and I will have a year’s worth of experience at the clinic as both a receptionist and a vet assistant. I told my mom that with the building of the new shelter, there’s going to be more care staff positions opening up, and I honestly think I’ll have a good shot at one of them. there’s more I need to learn by that point, but I think if I do want to pursue this seriously, I can definitely do it. 

and I was actually surprised that she sounded relieved to hear that. “oh, Hannah, that would be so good”. I’d have county government benefits. I’d be paid a good bit more. still not enough to live on my own here, but more for sure. I just... I know how hard she’s been pushing me to stay in linguistics. I know she’d love to see me doing some boring government job, getting a security clearance, being this person I know I’m not, doing all the shit that makes me feel nauseous now. but I also know she wants me to be secure and be happy. county government jobs provide government benefits, meaning it would be stable. not to mention this county is the wealthiest in the country. it’s making me tear up a little bit just to know she supports me, still. things aren’t going the way I thought they would, but I know that right now, animal care is what’s working for me. maybe one day when I can fix my sleep and my mental health I can push myself to go into something else, but right now I just can’t bring myself to care. I can’t see myself being a serious career academic. I can’t see myself in a stiff, boring government job. I would probably fall very quickly back into borderline suicidality if I ever ended up at another desk job. 

I wish I could have seen this in myself sooner. I wish I would have taken one good hard look at myself and thought about my own personality, and I wish someone else with more experience would have too, and given me some guidance. I really am a person that cares too goddamn much. even thinking about other options I might have; the thing that’s most appealing to me right now is applied behavior analysis. the goal for me being to help autistic children and families with autistic children communicate better and understand each other’s needs. am I a peacemaker at heart? do I just want really badly to see happy endings? I’ve always been a bleeding heart. always, always, always. I remember being in middle or early high school; grandpa had taken us fishing at one of his favorite spots on a bridge in florida, and I’d caught a fish that he liked so much he wanted to keep it for food. but he wanted to just leave it on the ground to suffocate until it died, and I cried until he grumpily threw it back. I saw it belly-up anyway, as it floated downstream, and I still think about it. I hated knowing I was the reason that fish died. that’s just one anecdote, but looking back, it was clear as day that that’s just the kind of person I am. and still I got pushed into things that weren’t ever right for me, because money is a huge worry, and because I grew up under the impression that I needed to pay less attention to myself and just focus on “being successful”. I figured I’d have to be like my mom; do a job because it paid and it was a job. I resigned myself to being miserable because “that’s just what people do”. I learned too late that it’s not, actually. I just wish that doing a job at all would pay enough to live. why some jobs are valued so much more than others is baffling to me. people in social, care-oriented fields work so hard and are so undervalued. powerful positions pay a ton more, and attract power-hungry people. that’s how we end up with this huge imbalance. it does still hurt me sometimes, though, feeling like my mom’s disappointed in me for changing my mind. for deciding that I don’t have to be miserable at a job, and I shouldn’t put up with something just because it pays enough. that’s why it was such a relief to actually have her support on this shelter thing. 

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A set up a new facebook event page for festivus. he’d made one a few weeks ago, but then deleted it. I was afraid he’d deleted me from it specifically, because just before he deleted the page I’d mentioned to him that it might not be worth it for me this year. he’d told me it might be in pittsburgh, and that would be a long trip for me for just a weekend. and I told him that if it was going to end up like farm jam, with me showing up and being ignored the whole time, it wasn’t worth a trip at all. suddenly the page wasn’t visible to me anymore. but another friend confirmed that the event was deleted.

so now there’s a new one. it’s going to be in johnstown, which is doable, since it’s only a ~2.5 hour drive, vs 4.5 to pittsburgh. unfortunately it’s on the exact day that my office manager decided to put our clinic holiday party; we had a paper hanging up in treatment asking people to put their names on one of two dates they preferred, either, or neither, and I put “either” because I didn’t have other plans at the time. I don’t even know yet if I’m working that day, but if we’re supposed to alternate weekends I should have that day off. I suppose I could tell people at work that I only see my PA friends twice a year now, if that, and they planned it pretty last-minute, but I just. I don’t know. it wasn’t really worth the effort last year. this year I feel even more disconnected than I did before, and it was pretty bad before.

I’d be willing to give it another go, I think. god I miss having friends so much. I know there’s people I can still talk to, if they’d be willing to talk to me. I can’t let the past get me too down. trying not to recall A ignoring me in person while he tried to get into another girl’s pants after T’s wedding, and literally pitched her tent 5 feet from mine and ended up spending the night in it with her. trying to scrap all the memories from this past farm jam, when I ended up crying a good few times because despite trying to interact and not look like I was in a bad mood over the course of 4 days, I just got ignored and left behind. when I went to go for a walk by myself and got caught in a torrential downpour, only to come back to the campsite to find everyone that was still at the campsite huddled under the big tarp we’d strung up, having rescued every camp chair but mine. including T’s piece of crap chair that seemed a few more uses away from falling apart even when I first saw it 6 years ago. I don’t know what that says to me, but it feels like it says something.

I don’t know. I could let my shit memory do what it does. I could try again. I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove to my friends that I’m trying to not be so depressed. they’re the ones who back off because they don’t want to deal with me when I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone down, I’m just.. really not well. I haven’t been for a long time. I wonder where I’d be if I felt like I had one person who I wasn’t terrified of scaring off; who could just see my depression as something that has me in a vice grip and isn’t a reflection of who I am. I know sometimes it puts me in scary places, but I’m not scary. I’m not hopeless. it helps me immensely just to feel cared about. I have a page on my notes app that I add to every so often with thoughts and snippets of things I could potentially turn into song lyrics, and I was just reminded of one I spit out at least a few months ago: isn’t it cruel how much I blossom when I’m loved? another I’m still trying to find the right words for so I haven’t actually written it down yet: don’t make the mistake of caring for me, because I’ll make the mistake of feeling cared about

my friend Mere is the one I asked about A potentially having removed me from the first festivus page, actually. she’d messaged me after I posted a picture of my crochet on facebook, and just wanted to ask how I was doing. she’s so sweet. we talked briefly, eventually about how everything just felt different. it was weird hearing her talk about Alec and that other girl he’s seeing now, knowing they were all friends even before Alec and Mere got married. I don’t feel it’s my place to ask how she feels about it. she seems to be doing well now though, and I’m glad to hear that. the last thing she said (which I responded to, but didn’t get another response) was interesting: but, I’m sorry that I never got along too well with you in the beginning. I don’t know what it was, but I’m super happy to call you a friend now.

we’d actually talked about this twice before. the first time I think was festivus 2015. we follow festivus tradition, and within that falls the airing of grievances. she’d pulled me aside and told me straight-up that she didn’t like me much when she first met me. which I wasn’t even aware of, because I never talked to her much and always thought she was pretty cool. but she told me that after actually talking to me and having me around for a bit (since I was staying with A while I visited, and he had a room in Alec & Mere’s house), she realized her feelings were misplaced. I was glad she was honest with me. the second time was after T’s wedding. I had hauled ass back up to the campfire after realizing that A had zipped himself into that girl’s tiny one-person tent with her and she knew immediately what happened. it was obvious the whole night what he was trying to do, and she knew him longer than I did, so of course she knew without even having to see it. I was so on-edge. so upset. I was shaking. I remember she and our friend Brad had come up to me and asked what happened, if I wanted to sleep in my car, if I wanted them go get my stuff out of my tent for me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just remember sitting in front of the fire, shaking and starting to cry and picking my cuticles to bits; I don’t even remember what they were talking about. I remember at one point Brad asked if I was okay, and I told him I felt like I just wanted to hit something; he went into the trees at the edge of T’s property and brought me a big branch so I could take a swing at something if I wanted. I just gave him a big hug.  Mere and I had debated going to sleep, because everyone else already had by the time it was just us left. but we ended up talking more. she told me about how she had a crush on A too and had for years, and it hurt to see him screw around so much. it hurt to see him with me and have me around, and after she realized I wasn’t so bad it hurt to know he hurt me too. I felt bad, because I had no idea. I told her a lot of the shit he put me through, and she agreed it wasn’t okay. she told me how he was really upset the year before when he realized it was my birthday and he forgot again. he’d gotten drunk and told her he knew he hurt me really bad and just didn’t know what to do; he felt terrible. she told me about her relationship with Alec and how things were just falling apart. they were trying to make it work, but it was never going to. I told her how I kind of wanted to pack up my tent and leave, like how in the movies when people break up they just take all their stuff and disappear, but A’s stuff was still in my tent; he was supposed to have shared with me. I was too tired to drive home, but I still wanted to just pack it up anyway. she helped me fold up all of his things and leave them in a neat little pile where the tent was. she helped me fold up the tarp and showed me how to fold the tent so I could fit it all back into the carrying bag and zip it shut (a skill I had yet to acquire). we got all my things back into my car so I could just get in and go if I wanted. by the time we’d started packing up the tent the sun was already coming back up; we were sat around the fire again when A’s phone alarm went off. the two of them came up to the fire pit and sat down with us; I couldn’t even look at him. Mere offered to let me stay at her place in johnstown before I drove home; I think Alec had work later in the morning so I followed them home and tried to sleep. I was amazed I made it there in one piece since I’d been awake for somewhere around 26-27 hours at that point and was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was so grateful to have her company that day. she promised to keep me company at farm jam that year too, so I wouldn’t have to see A with that girl (she ended up not going, but I was worried the whole time that she’d show up). Mere hung out with me and took me mushroom foraging in the woods, and I learned a lot even though I don’t remember any of it. she’s a really sweet gal, and I’m glad to know her.

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well that ended up taking a turn I didn’t intend. I guess that’s alright. just felt like I needed to write.

I don’t know. I’m not ready for this 3-day weekend to be over. I finally caught a break and I crashed pretty hard. I’m really missing my gap year and all the free time I had; feels like it hardly lasted any time at all. I don’t know how I’m ever going to have the energy to work full-time for the rest of my life; I’m not even “full-time” now and I’m struggling. I don’t know. maybe if I finally get a diagnosis people will take me seriously and help me come up with a plan to get the most out of what energy I do have without burning myself out.

[miishae-archived]

Long post coming up: 

I don’t know who’s going to read this. This blog is less than a day old right now, and no one even knows I exist yet.

This has been the craziest year for me. I’ve been depressed for years, especially this year. Things came to a head in March, when my beloved grandpa died. After the funeral, I came back home and had to deal with some very personal introspection, crying on and off for a few days until I finally texted my mom and told her I needed help.

I got myself into therapy. I was almost agoraphobic, since I hated leaving the house. I hated doing anything other than sitting in front of a computer playing video games. Even my friends, the ones I only ever see online and not in person, were becoming distractions.

Therapy changed some of that. I met with him every two weeks, pushing myself past the anxiety of how to get there, and getting more comfortable with taking an uber. After about a month, I asked one of my “internet” friends (she lives in my same town) to go with me to my appointments. I told her we could hang out and do random stuff after.

It was great! My therapist told me to work on some issues I know I have, and spending time out of the house with a friend was the extra push I needed. Most of the time my friend and I would come back home and hang out on our computers, but it was still progress; I wasn’t completely shutting people out anymore.

It was probably around August or September when I started watching @therealjacksepticeye and @markiplier again, this time on a regular basis. I don’t mean casually watching, I grew obsessed. It wasn’t the kind of obsession where I was shutting everyone out again, because I was still wanting to spend time with friends, I was still going to therapy, but I felt SO GOOD watching these videos. I followed them on twitter, I discovered they have tumblr accounts, and I decided to just dive headfirst into the fandoms.

In November, I finally got a job. Seasonal, but I had the motivation and drive thanks to Mark and Jack. I never had that drive before to get up and look for something. The opportunity was THERE, and I took it. I was an anxious ball of depression and anxiousness until I was officially hired, but it worked out.

I wasn’t able to go to therapy anymore, and I wasn’t able to see my one friend anymore. The job left me super tired and in so much pain the whole time. It was money though, and with that money, not only was I able to buy myself some games on steam, but I was able to buy myself a ticket to see Mark’s tour in Janauary. I was able to buy myself a SANTIglitch shirt (my utter favorite shirt by the way.) I bought myself some new games during the holiday sale, as well as some games for friends!

I have motivation to do what I want in life. I want to pursue writing/video games for a living, and that motivation and drive has stuck with me for a good few months now. That NEVER happens. I’ve always found some excuse to not do it, but this time, I have friends and even my boyfriend encouraging to do something. I wanna be happy in life. I wanna be satisfied with what I do.

I keep trying to reach out to my biggest sources of inspiration, be it making stupid edits in Gimp, or making Anti in SFM, or even just making stupid shitposts on my blog and tagging them. I haven’t heard back from them, and sometimes I worry I’m annoying and they’re trying to tell me to back off, but all the same, I love them so much.

It’s not even that they’re famous, it’s just, they’ve helped me so much in the past few months and they have no idea how much that means to me. I’m 32 years old, autistic, and have been told my whole life I’d never amount to anything.

I’m going to become someone. I’m going to get there. I’m going to do what I love, when I love it, and I’m going to reach that goal, whatever it may be. Games, writing, both? I don’t know! 

@markiplier and @therealjacksepticeye --

Thank you. You have no idea how much your positivity and even support means. I’m come SUCH a long way in only a few months, and I know 2018 is going to be even better for me. I have never believed in myself as much as I do now, and I don’t think I would have ever gotten there without you two being so encouraging and happy.

I’m not a loser. I’m not worthless. I’m a somebody, and damn it, I’m going to prove everyone wrong. I’m going to prove that I AM worth it!

Happy 2018 everyone!