#but they’re still helping the prince? or at least on the cams side

[miss-floral-thief]

“The Camarilla hasn’t deserved (its) power for hundreds of years”

Yet the DM rarely depicts the anarchs lol

[ask-iamnotanalicorn]

Previous: The Flim Flam Timeline

The Wasteland Timeline:

This is the story of when Equestria fell.

And this it the story of when Equestria rose again.

The trials began as they always do: with the return of Nightmare Moon. The celestial sisters clashed, and Celestia fell. Heedless of the struggle it would be to keep the Sun set with its alicorn princess banished inside it, Nightmare Moon did just that, determined that her traitorous sister experience Nightmare’s punishment.

Nightmare’s reign of Equestria was strained, but Equestria could have borne it. But within a year, the capital was attacked by the Changelings, desperate to replenish their stores of pony love that had been stymied by the nation’s state of fear and uncertainty. Nightmare Moon was barely managing to repel the threat when the Crystal Empire returned, and King Sombra began to march on her northern borders. With attacks from within and attacks from without, a distrusted leader on the throne, and economic failure rippling across the country as readily as the shifting front lines, the ponies of Equestria were more torn than ever.

So of course that’s when Discord escaped.

The upside of Discord’s release was that it temporarily stopped the fighting. Even King Sombra was smart enough to withdraw in the face of the mad draconequus on a quest of vengeance against all ponies. Queen Chrysalis and Queen Nightmare Moon (who had absconded herself at first sign of Discord’s escape, using every possible trick to keep him from finding her) formed a temporary peace treaty in order to seek a solution - for a world ruled by Discord was useless to all of them. (Granted, the Changelings could withdraw to their protected realm, but Chrysalis had tasted power and wasn’t about to let Discord have it all. She was quite looking forward to stabbing Nightmare Moon in the back afterwards.)

Their solution: a magical contract with the long-imprisoned centaur, Tirek. Tirek was more than happy to oblige. He single-handedly decimated Sombra’s troops, gorging himself on the magic of Crystal Empire and Equestrian ponies alike. It is possible that, if Discord hadn’t come to see what all the fuss was about himself, Tirek would have kept right on gorging to the very limit of the contract that bound him.

When the two titans clashed, the battle that ensued sundered hundreds of miles of landscape. Canterlot bore the greatest brunt; the castle collapsed completely from its cliffside home, the city little more than ruins. Discord’s attacks spread wildly unpredictable waves of chaos magic across much of Equestria. And when at long last Tirek had defeated him and sucked him dry, the lingering effects of that chaos magic stayed rooted in the ground like weeds.

It seemed, for the briefest moment, as if the worst problem was over. But of course, a power-maddened Tirek is a worse threat - because at least Discord doesn’t go out of his way to destroy everything in sight. Drunk on chaos magic, Tirek easily broke the tenuous contract with the queens and set across the landscape, draining ponies by the thousands and carving swaths through the countryside for the sheer wicked joy of destruction. His power was even mighty enough to destroy the changeling hive, overpowering its magical protections.

There was no choice - the two remaining rulers of any species in the land had to either defeat their own creation or face the loss of all they held dear. Nightmare Moon called upon the power of the Moon itself, drawing it nearer to Equestria in a desperate gambit. Tidal waves rocked Equestria’s coastlines, submerging Manehattan and other coastal cities entirely, and the alicorn of the night shone with deadly moonlit radiance as she bombarded Tirek with the full brunt of her power. But even Nightmare Moon at the height of her power was not strong enough to stop Tirek at the height of his, and he struck her down against the surface of the Moon itself. Some of the dislodged chunks rained down on the world, damaging more of not only Equestria, but many other countries on that side of the planet.

Tirek seemed to have won; all he had left to deal with was one small, angry changeling queen. An assured victory, no doubt.

He could not have known how wrong he was. For a changeling might give its magic willingly to a spell like Tirek’s with no ill effects, but an unwilling changeling queen will not be robbed of her power easily. As Tirek’s powers drain magic, so changeling powers drain love - and no one in all the world had such self-love as Tirek. The cycle of Tirek draining her magic and Chrysalis draining his became a self-consuming spell spiral that ultimately imploded upon itself, taking both creatures with it.

The resulting explosion could be heard across the celestial sea. For a few moments, there was something like an artificial sun on the horizon - a sun that had set directly on Equestria.

Then came the silence. After three years of war, devastation, and disasters unlike any the world had ever seen, there was silence.

And as the silence stretched, the survivors stirred.

Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, crystal ponies, and zebras; yaks, cows, goats, donkeys, and buffalo; gryphons, dragons, hippogryphs, minotaurs, and changelings: in spite of everything, many had survived. They rose from their hiding places to find an Equestria and Crystal Empire in ruins. No major cities still stood; borders and coastlines were unrecognizable. Large swaths of land once green and lush were barren and blasted, and spots of chaos magic lay in wait for creatures unwise enough to enter them unprotected. The moon hung wrecked in a dark sky, shining in shattered glory down on the devastation that had been the once-rich land of Equestria.

But the great destroyers were gone. None of the titans and tyrants who had brought this destruction down on the country remained. The usual monsters hardly seemed a threat anymore; those who had survived thus far had learned to cope with far worse. They could build new settlements, make new ways of life, come together or fall apart on their own merits.

And the most hopeful sign of all came the next day. The first actual day since Nightmare Moon returned and the Thousand Days of Woe began:

The Sun - weak and red in the dust-filled sky - slowly rose over the horizon.

The Princess of the Sun had not returned yet; perhaps she is still trapped by her sister’s spell. Perhaps another way of escape is being laid. But the light fills the ponies’ hearts with hope.

The Equestria they knew is gone. But the New Equestria has a future.

____

Sunday, Aug.10, 4 A.C.

Dear Journal,

It’s really strange dating things this way; but with everything that’s happened, most folks agree it’ll be easier to date our calendars starting with the fall of Princess Celestia. ‘After Celestia’ sounds so grim, though; kinda hope we change it. Maybe when the Princess returns... we’re praying she does.

Anyway, I still can’t believe we found a whole stock of blank paper in the storerooms! We’re saving most of it for bartering, but Mom thinks it’s smart for one of us to make notes for posterity, so it looks like I get to keep you. I’ll try to be short to save space, but it just feels so good to write again!

The move into the Canterlot ruins ruins is going pretty well. A few other families joined us after our last trip to Apple Fort, and we’ve shored up our defenses in case the air pirates make another flyby. Pop and I negotiated a deal with the Apples - food in exchange for books. A few of the unicorns know replication spells and are using some of the paper to make copies of really important texts so we don’t lose valuable knowledge to an accident. It still blows my mind how much we’ve lost in... was life really normal only a few years ago? It feels like another lifetime that I was in this very city, talking to the Princess, sitting at a normal cafe... eating lunch with Cam and Press...

I don’t want to forget them. Camera Shy and Pressing Matters, my best friends. Maybe they’re still out there somewhere. We run into old friends every now and then - my old traveling salespony gig has come in handy, actually! I’ve found a bunch of people who used to be clients, it really helps with forming trade and peace treaties with other groups. So it could happen. Please, Prince, keep them safe wherever they are.

I’m really blessed, though. I have to remember that. I have Mom and Pop and Black and Per and Chewie - although I’m still not used to Chewie flying and talking now. She’s such a character. Lots of ponies are missing family - so are we, we haven’t been able to find most of the extended family, but Pop got word from Aunt Pitter that she and my cousin Light Drizzle are out west somewhere, and Pitch Apple is down at Apple Fort, thank the King.

And we could be worse! We made friends with a tinkerer named Steam Punk, he made me a new wing that works as good as my old one! (Not a HUGE bar to cross, but it’s still really impressive!) I’m talking him into working with me to start a production house that can make and sell them affordably to other handicapped pegasi. And Mom got her flight back thanks to a gem Black and some other mages crafted. I think she still misses her diving mark, but she’s so brave and optimistic, it really inspires everyone. I wish we could do something for Pop’s horn, but he’s finding other ways to help out. Per is... well, I guess if you’re going to get turned into a pony-dragon, you’d want to be as cheerful about it as Per. Who knows, maybe she’ll still get a cutie mark someday! And Black is fully aware that he looks pretty boss with an eyepatch, the dork. 

There’s rumors that Princess Cadance might be alive and organizing the crystal ponies up North; lots of ponies are heading that way, but I think our group will stay here. There’s a lot of resources in the Canterlot ruins and in the castle, although Black leads the expeditions into the castle because of safety issues. I never knew he was so good at exploration and such; guess there were a few skills he was holding out on us over the years, but turns out he was working for the Princess before! What in Equus, I gave him such an earful for being all secretive about being my bodyguard or whatever. 

I’m running out of page, so I’ll wrap up today. We’re holding a worship service later, Pop and Parson Brown are setting it up. We want to keep focusing on what we have to be thankful for. We are GOING to get through this. The King, the Prince, and the Advocate have not abandoned us, and we have each other. 

~Salespitch

----

Fun Facts About The Wasteland Timeline:

- This was my favorite timeline to draw =D I HAD to get some steampunk stuff in there, although there are definitely Mad Max vibes. The convenient thing about this timeline is that it was a literal blank slate, so I could really get creative with it! I feel like this would make a neat bookmark, what do ya’ll think?

- I tried to reference all the major villains in the picture. Extra shoutout to ReversalMushroom, the patron who sponsored this Alternate Timeline Special, for giving me the ideas for the changeling goo and Tirek’s hoofprints, which were added in during the coloring phase. I think they round it out quite nicely!

- The random bit of Candy Forest over the crevice there is one of the pockets left behind by Discord’s chaos magic going wild. Most ponies avoid it because here’s WEIRD stuff in there, and ponies who go in there usually come out a little weirder themselves. 

- Black lost his eye and half his sunglasses in a fight with some Changelings. He gets on quite well with only one eye, though, and he insists his sunglass-lens eyepatch is going to be the height of eyepatch fashion. (He DOES have a sense of humor in case anyone doubted it. ;) ) Black taught everyone basic survival techniques and does most of the more dangerous tasks.

- Sales lost his wing during Tirek’s rampage; he tried to distract Tirek, but they didn’t have time to make the plan from the Tirek timeline, so he got swatted pretty quickly. On the upside, Tirek lost sight of him and didn’t get his magic. Sales can fly about as well now with his new steampunk wing, which combines technology and magic to mimic low-level pegasus flight (which was where he was at anyway, so he made a great first test subject!) Sales’ main job is  negotiating peaceful trades with other groups.

- Sales Patter (Dad) lost his horn while pushing his wife out of the way of some falling rubble. He insists he was only mediocre at magic anyway, and he doesn’t need a horn to do business! He does miss it, though. He helps their new community with allocating resources.

- Pitch Forward (Mom) lost her magic and cutie mark to Tirek’s onslaught. The gem in her coat simulates flight for her, although not quite at the level she was before. She and Sales joke about how he can almost beat her in a race now. She helps with the kids in their small community and teaches flying techniques to pegasi.

- Pitch Perfect got hit with a random blast of Discord magic that turned her half dragon. It took a little getting used to, but she honestly thinks it is super neat. She’s pretty good at sniffing out gems now, which (when she isn’t eating them) helps with family finances. Her friends Codebreak and Castle Crasher are part of their little community, and the three are constantly getting into trouble (which most everyone silently thinks of as a nice bit of familiarity.)

- Chewie ALSO got Discord’d; she has fairy wings now and she can talk. Chewie still likes Sales the best and hovers around him chattering like Navi half the time. The other half of the time she forgets she has wings and just hops around exploring. At this point she’s become less like a pet and more like another tiny sister, to Per’s delight and everyone else’s raised anxiety levels. She is VERY aware of her surroundings and alerts the group to intruders and strangers. She really misses computer games.

- Princess Celestia will eventually return, although by that time I feel that the various groups gathering together will have formed something like a decent society again. It remains to be seen if they’ll go back to a monarchy, create a government of connected micronations, or turn into something like the United States.

- And yes, Camera Shy, Pressing Matters, and Press’s husband Curler are all alive. They’ll meet up someday!

---

A/N: Thank you all for joining me on this journey through time and space to explore the seven MLP timelines and where Sales & Co might have ended up in them! I hope you enjoyed it; I had a good bit of fun coming up with the different scenarios, it was a great brain exercise. =D Thank you again to all my Patrons, and to ReversalMushroom for sponsoring this particular special! There will be a final post next week of all the pictures together, with links back to their storyline posts.

I also want to thank you for bearing with me as the regular updates continue to be on hiatus. This has been a rough and strange year for all of us, and I hope you all are safe and healthy and know that you are loved. Jesus has really been with me through this year, and even tonight as I write this; there are things I struggle with, but I know that they do not define my value, HE does. =) And I, like Sales, want to count my blessings, the biggest one (aside from my faith in God) being that I have family around me who love me and care for me. I’m very much looking forward to Christmas! =D  

Merry Christmas! May your Christmas and New Year contain joy and peace, and may Christ Jesus rest His hands on you and draw your heart to His. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

~River Babble

[sebastianshaw]

@sammysdewysensitiveeyes- Fabian for “Vampire: The Masquerade” and “Werewolf: The Apocalypse”! Under a cut because SO MUCH, sorry, the World of Darkness setting as A LOT OF LORE and it’s REALLY COOL so I enjoy gushing about where my guys would fit and why!

FABIAN As a vampire, Fabian would be a Lasombra, Ventrue, or Setite, depending which game that I was playing. If it’s a Camarilla or Cam-Anarch game, Ventrue. Ventrue are one of the common Cam clans, and almost all Ventrue are Cam. High positions are most often held by Ventrue, and having a Ventrue be the Prince (Cam ruler of a city) is such a cliche that people will often remark positively if a Storyteller (the DM) chooses another clan for that seat. If it’s a Sabbat game, he’d be a Lasombra. While any clan can join the Sabbat, the Tzimisce and Lasombra are its founders, and almost exclusively found in it. You’d be hard-pressed to find any in the Cams or Anarchs, though they do exist. And if it were an Independent Alliance or Casablanca game (a game where all three sects co-exist in a city and you can be any), he’d be a Setite. The Independent Alliance (IA) was formed by the Giovanni and Setites, two formally independent clans whose members never (or seldom) joined any sect, into a sect of their own so that they could gain the political protections and benefits of such, without having to join up with anyone else. As a note for context, the Cam, the Anarchs, and the IA may all have power struggles, and the Anarchs and Cam in particuliar have beef, but they can and do all co-exist in the same cities, and members of each group may even socialize with each other as friends. The Sabbat do NOT co-exist with the others, at least not peacefully or happily. The Sabbat don’t just “have beef” with the Cam, they want to wipe them out and the IAs along with them, and the Cam is pretty happy to return the favor, as will the IAs and Anarchs too. The other three are like, different political parties basically, though their feuds CAN turn bloody too, but the Sabbat are the “bad guys” to the others. (And the Baali and Infernalists are bad guys to EVERYBODY, like basically they’re so evil most people consider them unplayable and all the other sects want to wipe them out for their crimes) So yeah, vampire politics are murder ;) But hey, that’s where Fabian THRIVES! So, the ones that fit most are the Lasombra. They hail primarily from Spain, and are master of the power of Obtenebration---the manipulation and creation of shadow and darkness. They are predatory, backstabbing, power-hungry and unapologetically arrogant. The Lasombra are proud elegant predators, social darwinists, cruel manipulators, and naturally seek positions of power and authority because many Lasombra have domineering and superior personalities that necessitates having someone beneath them. They will use any and all tools available to ensure loyalty, such as the Blood Bond, coercion, physical intimidation, and unapologetic use of Dominate (a power that lets you control others with verbal commands) so working for a Lasombra, is a demanding, difficult, and unrewarding experience at BEST.  Lasombra ghouls (ghoul = human enslaved to a vampire) fall into two broad categories. The first are the raft of accountants, lawyers, and bankers that the Lasombra need to keep the finances rolling in, and perhaps these are the luckier of the two groups – as long as the books balance at the end of the day, they will live to see another one. The second group cater to the Lasombra's difficulty with their own image. Some Lasombra keep an army of personal attendants – scores of ghouls to brush the mistress' hair, do her makeup, and dress her. Such attendants are punished severely for infractions. If the hair is not brushed with exactly one hundred strokes the ghoul might find themselves on the wrong side of the hairbrush, a Potence fuelled hand wielding it. Also due to the Lasombra's curse, ghouls of either stripe might have their faces reduced to identical spiderwebs of scar tissue, or be forced to wear featureless white masks. They have strong ties to the Catholic tradition, and have gotten their hooks deeply in the Church, enabling them to puppeteer much of its power in Europe, and that’s probably why a lot of the Sabbat---the vampire sect to which almost all Lasombra belong-- is based on a twisted version of Catholicism, with perverted rituals and rank titles like Priest and Bishop. There are many different camps of Lasombra, but the one I think Fabian would be in is called The Kings and Queens of Shadow. They take part in mortal institutions, exerting influence, gathering resources and in general keeping the mortal population unaware of the vampires among them. In this setting, there is something called diablerie. It’s when one vampire sucks out all the blood of another and their soul with it, killing that other vampire and taking all their power into themselves. The Camarilla forbids diablerie. But the Sabbat embraces it.  The Lasombra are a clan driven by ambition, and consequently they in particular accept diablerie as a necessary facet of their existence; from the Lasombra perspective, the only tragedy in diablerie is that such an unworthy vampire as the vessel was sired in the first place. Each clan has a curse, and for the Lasombra it’s that they cast no reflections. They cannot be seen in mirrors, bodies of water, reflective windows, polished metals, photographs and security cameras, etc. This curious anomaly even extends to the clothes they wear and objects they carry. Many other clans believe that the Lasombra have been cursed in this manner for their vanity. Additionally, due to their penchant for darkness, Lasombra take an extra level of damage from sunlight.  Lasombra pride themselves on doing things with style and elegance, have a fascination with chess, are often drawn to the sea, and have a notably sadistic Embrace--- when considering a candidate, the sire usually totally destroys the target's life and sees how the target reacts. If the candidate falls apart, then he was obviously unworthy of the Embrace. If he can continue to survive and even overcome the challenges, then these challenges tend to become more extreme, until the sire decides that the candidate has demonstrated enough merit and is Embraced. They’re a very...SHAW clan, in many ways. But also very Fabian. Fabian is obviously vain, manipulative, power-hungry, and would absolutely suck out someone’s soul to get stronger. He is absolutely backstabbing and it WOULD be a CURSE for him not see his own reflection. Fabian is also of Spanish origin, as most Lasombra are, and he’s got the Catholic theme going low-key----he preached about Magneto in a way that was literally just Christianity with Magneto as Jesus, and “Acolyte” is a rank in the Catholic church as well as just a generic word for a follower or servant. I can absolutely see him being proud and pseudo-pious, preaching the praises of Caine (the religious belief of the Sabbat, basically, which is very important to them) and going so hard on their Catholic-inspired ritual, while all the while just trying to wriggle into the most important positions possible and have the most vampires under his command, because Fabian just really likes controlling groups of people on a personal level. I play up Fabian’s silly side because it’s so much fun, but he can written as very dark just as easily, and this would be the place to do it. God help his Ghouls. Oh, and while most vampires think they’re superior to humans even if they don’t admit it, the Sabbat preaches vampires openly reigning over humans as chattel and cattle and doing away with the Masquerade entirely, so that goes pretty well with Fabian as the Acolytes leader too. In the Camarilla, which is the majority sect and the one most vampires will be a member of if they don’t really have any strong beliefs against it, he’d be a Ventrue. Ventrue are one of the “pillar clans” of the Cam, but in my opinion, they ARE the Clan. Other members can and do have positions in it, of course, but it’s the Ventrue who are really running things at the end of the day. The Ventrue are called the Blue Bloods, the Clan of Kings, the ones who wear the crown but also carry the responsibility of making vampire society work, and who bear the brunt of everyone else’s hatred for doing it---because everyone hates the boss, even though they need them. They’re seen as a snooty old boys club who only care about enforcing order for the sake of their own power, and that’s true, but they’re also necessary. A lot of people think of the Lasombra as “Sabbat Venture” or “Ventrue but religious” or “Ventrue but darker” and honestly, that’s not a bad summary. Ventrue are all about power. Ventrue know they are MEANT to rule, and are usually selected from people who are ALREADY rulers, whether it’s a merchant prince, a CEO, or a mafia don. Ventrue likewise are very selective about their Embrace, and you have a lot to live up to, a ton of training to go through, all these rules of etiquette and dignity and hierarchy to follow, they are quizzed and needled and will have a hard time, but it’s NOT on the level of the Lasombra. They have a strict pecking order among themselves and no matter what a big dog you were in life, you are still starting at the bottom. But you have literal eternity to work your way up. Ventrue are completely aware of the unsavory aspects of power, and while a Ventrue leader is just as likely to lead organized crime as he is a Fortune 500 company (the Ventrue really do not object to theft, so much as petty theft), he must always comport himself with dignity, with grace and with honor. At least publically. Ventrue take assaults on their stature very seriously. Spreading rumors, taking credit for another's work and insulting a Ventrue without just cause (publicly or privately) are just a few of the ways to make an enemy for life, and life is going to be a VERY long time for these guys. While the Lasombra are closely connected to religion, the Ventrue are all about politics and money. And unlike the Lasombra who are eager to turn on each other and weed out the week, the Ventrue, like a fraternity, do have a policy of  coming to each other's assistance in times of need, even if it is inconvenient to do so, and many Ventrue credit the clan’s success with this. Again, a Clan that Shaw could fit pretty well, and excel in, and that Fabian...would not be the BEST example, but would be the perfect example of the negative parts of the Ventrue, the stuck-up power-hungry yes-men who lick the boots of everyone above them and boss around everyone below them. The ones who will do anything to get ahead. The nastiest stereotypes of politicians and corrupt corporate executives. It’s very easy for me seeing him in a business suit---the most cliche attire for a Ventrue--sucking up to the Prince and then snapping at some fledgling. And being SO grumpy at having to come to the aid of his fellow patricians, but being the first to call on them for help. Finally, the Followers of Set, or Setites for short. While the dominant belief among vampires is that they are descended from the Biblical Caine, the first murderer, with an ‘e’ at the end of his name for extra edginess in this canon, the Setites claim a different lineage. They say they’re descended from the Egyptian god Set instead, and have an entire complex religion that is REALLY awesome but too intricate to go into. They’re associated with snakes, able to command them and even transform into them, and, like the Lasombra, are extra super duper sensitive to light even for vampires, to the point many have to wear sunglasses even at night to cope with the bright artificial lights of the city. The Setites are known as peddlers of vice, as tempters and corrupters, as the guys who can get you anything or anyone you want...but always at a price. No one smart EVER makes a deal with a Setite, and they HABITUALLY make people into addicts of one type or another (it’s part of their faith) and it’s for this reason they’re rightly looked at with tons of suspicion. But what everyone else doesn’t get is that they are not merely pimps and drug dealers and info-brokers, they are not just shadowy manipulators and sleazy silver-tongued liars, they are FANATICS. They are DEVOTED to their god and ideology, and everything they do is in service of him and his return, at least that’s how it’s supposed to be. As with real people, each Setite is an individual, and how each of them interprets their faith, and how devout they are, varies. Fabian, I think, is one of the Christians who sure doesn’t live like one, but believes God has his back, who will pray to God when he needs something but not any other time, and I think that’s how he’d be about Set as well----he believes in the guy, because of course it’s appealing to Fabian’s arrogance to see himself as the descendent of a god, but his devotion isn’t selfless at all as it can be with some Setites. His manipulation and power-mongerering and slithering in to whisper in your ear and living in hedonism, it’s not for Set, no matter how much he proclaims it. It’s for him. But he’ll preach Set in the Independent Alliance as hard as he’d preach Caine in the Sabbat. Also consider: Shaw also being a Lasombra and RAPIDLY getting fed up with Fabian’s shit. Fabian also could have been Embraced by a Toreador or Brujah, not because he actually fits them but because they THOUGHT he did. Like a Brujah could mistake his fake-activism for some cause as being the real thing, or a Toreador could just think he’s really good looking, that kind of deal. In the “Werewolf: The Apocalypse” setting, he’d either be a Silver Fang or a Shadow Lord. My personal pick is a Silver Fang who acts a lot more like a Shadow Lord. The Silver Fangs are the “Alpha Tribe” of the Garou Nation (Garou meaning werewolves), its traditional leaders and warlords. These proud aristocrats are divided into 13 Houses (though only 7 remain in modern times) based on their immaculately recorded lineages, and each House is ruled by a King or Queen, who answer only to the High King if there is one, and are served by Lords and stewards and so on down the line. Whatever their House, this tribe is known for their courage, honor, and physical beauty. Unfortunately, they’re also known for being stuck up and expecting other Garou to obey them, as they believe they have the divine mandate to rule their brethren ---something that many other werewolves react to with ridicule and scorn more and more in the current era. It gets worse than snobbery, though. They’re so obsessive about their pure perfect lineages, they arrange (read: control) the mating even of their Kinfolk (human and wolf relations of a Garou who are not Garou themselves, but whose children could be) to ensure blood purity. As with human royalty, this has resulted in inbreeding, causing the younger members to be born with... quirks - absent-mindedness, mild hallucinations, somnambulism - nothing overtly psychotic, but noticeable nevertheless. They need to start changing their ways soon before this problem gets worse, but most of them show NO signs of acknowledging that, let alone actually doing it. Just as the Lasombra are often described as the dark reflection of the Ventrue, so too are the Shadow Lords often seen as the dark counterpart to the Silver Fangs. Shadow Lords too have strict hierarchies, but while the Silver Lords openly attempt to rule other tribes, the Shadow Lords are politicians and manipulators who use their secretive ways to wrest as much power as they can. The Shadow Lords originated in the steppes of Eurasia, where they controlled human tribes by assuming an indispensable position within their societies that would exert no direct power, but whose word was heeded. And they’ve been playing that role ever since in the Garou Nation, serving the Silver Fangs as their viziers and their secret henchmen, doing those deeds that would harm their reputation. The Fangs used the Shadow Lords as scapegoats for their own dark deeds, and the Shadow Lords accepted this, seeing that it would benefit the Nation if the name of the Silver Fangs would remain “pure” in the eyes of others. At least, that’s how it used to be.  These days, they have a particular hatred for the Silver Fangs instead, seeing the them as an outdated dinosaur holding the rest back from achieving their full potential. The Shadow Lords would love to supplant the Fangs as the unquestioned leaders of the Garou, and will rarely pass up an opportunity to take their plans one step further. Shadow Lords are constantly behind the scenes of any group or faction they have been able to get their claws into, manipulating others like puppets and pawns to get what the tribe wants and needs. While most Shadow Lords believe their works are for the greater good, many other Garou see them as deceitful dogs who need to be kept in clear view.  The Shadow Lords are among the few tribes that are not only willing to sacrifice themselves for Gaia ( such is expected from every Garou), but also others in order to further their greater goal. Sacrifice plays an important role within the Tribe, and a Shadow Lord is expected to be willing to sacrifice anything in the cause of a given cause, himself and all of his allies included. This gives them their grim reputation among the Nation. No other tribe knows the nature of politics like the Shadow Lords, and they value brains over brawn, emphasizing cunning and manipulation over physical fights. You’d think then, that they would be small and weak, the Scar or Loki to the Silver Fang’s Mufasa and Thor. Not so. The wolf forms of Shadow Lords are HUGE muscular black beasts, looking more like giant pit bulls than wolves. They believe in POWER above all else, and that INCLUDES the physical.  There is no room in the Shadow Lords for showing weakness or mercy to an opponent, be it a battle of wits or of bodies. If you couldn’t guess, Shaw would ABSOLUTELY be a Shadow Lord werewolf. Fabian, I’m thinking, is a Silver Fang by birth, probably of the Ahroun (warrior) or perhaps a sly slimy Philodox (mediators, judges, interpreters of the law and settlers of disputes), a Homid (born in human form) but whose half-sister (Anne Marie) is a wolf kinfolk. Which, yes, means Anne Marie is a wolf in this verse. Not a werewolf, just a wolf. A very smart wolf that tags along INCESSANTLY after him. Any, Fabian is a Silver Fang, and he’s the WORST stereotype about it---arrogant, entitled, and thinks he can boss around every other werewolf because of it. Despite his apparent disgust for “lesser” tribes, he in fact actually PREFERS being around them, because he can’t pull this on other Silver Lords, especially those who outrank him. But even the highest-ranking member of another tribe is, to him, lesser than he is, so he can do this shit---though of course he frequently does not get away with it. Fabian wants to gain great power, rank, and renown in his tribe, but while he is a strong warrior, he is also a coward, and thus won’t go into a fight he knows he’ll lose, which keeps him from accomplishing anything truly great in battle. So he begins acting more like a Shadow Lord within his own tribe and outside it, wiggling into the position of advising and manipulating others into order to snag power and credit for himself, make others look bad by comparison, trick them into commiting errors he then swoops in and fixes, etc. All of which just serves to make his ego even more unbearable as he succeeds, though watching him toady and suck up is also hilarious. Also, while he scoffs at the “weakminded” products of his clan, feeling they were the RESULT of bad breeding rather than the attempts to avoid it, he in fact is one of them---his egomania is simply how his inbred madness manifests. Which is technically not his fault, but doesn’t make him any less insufferable for it. As a non-werewolf werebeast (the “Fera” or “Changing Breeds”) he’d be a Bastet (werecat) specifically a Simba, a werelion. As I said with Cateye, they are regal, proud, and powerful beyond compare...and also arrogant, domineering, and malicious, even under the best of circumstances. They aren’t villains, mind you, but magnificent slayers of demons. They just happen to think, like the Silver Fangs, that they were created to rule their brethren, something the normally antisocial Bastet almost universally reviled. They believe they are the ones to put things in order again, and also that humans should know their place as well. You can already see the Fabian appeal. It gets even better. As one of the most social tribes of the Bastet, the Simba adore their loved ones, and watch their Kinfolk very closely. The central organization of the Simba is the pride. Each pride has one “father”, or dominant male, and several “wives”  and “young hunters. Small prides defer to larger ones, and may owe allegiance to a “High King”. Every pride contains more females than males and is usually mixed with feline and/or human kin to ensure a healthy progeny. Simba have rites of initiation and rank; advancement in the pride is by combat, and only three adult males are allowed to remain in a pride. Most have only one. Females fight to be First Huntress and First Wife, though few can be both. Losers either die in combat or wander the plains in search of a new pride. So, lots of hierarchy, harems, and opportunity to force other people out so he can be top, both of the heap and the women. This is the shit Fabian LOVES and THRIVES in. They may not be big on manipulation, but physical combat isn’t a thing Fabian is a slouch in at all---he bested Psylocke before, after all, and he’s huge to boot. Speaking of that, the human forms are typically muscular, charismatic, and attractive. Their hair flows thick and rich; white Simba have cascading hair which blossoms into a mane during transformation, while African ones have thick afros or dreadlocks. So, tall, muscular, long luxuriant hair, that’s him! He’s probably a lone male currently seeking a Pride to take over, or has a small one that is other lone males he’s temporarily banded together with as their ‘leader’ until he can find a proper one. Or, god forbid, he’s actually the king of one his “wives” all claw him in the face when he tries anything As with his wolf version, I see him as a Homid, born a human, and of his Pyrio, I’d pick Night or Twilight, for his sneakiness. He seems open and direct like a Daylight Bastet, but for all his bragging and spotlight-hogging, his real work goes down in the shadows. (Daylight - open and direct, they tend to be diplomats, warriors, lawgivers, and protectors. Twilight - questioners and seekers, they tend to be detectives, lawyers, spies, or mystics Night - often withdrawn and reclusive, they tend to be assassins, scholars, scientists, and practitioners of dark magics.)

[chronicbatfictioner]

Theater of the Soul - Chapter 23

Tim woke up to a stinging pain on his side, and Jason's face looking down at him from his left side. Also Stephanie's blonde locks on the other side. He would have playfully tugged said blonde if his arms would comply with his mind a little.

"The FBI - took Quinn this afternoon for questioning." somebody - Dick, likely, said from somewhere on his right. Because only Dick could voice something like 'FBI' and 'questioning' into sounding like 'sunshine' and 'apple pie'.

"Hi, kiddo." Jason smiled at him. "Thought you'd be coming 'round 'bout this time."

"Who..." Tim croaked, and winced at his own voice, sounding like a few dozen toads were singing. It felt like said toads were frolicking in his throat, too. Jason promptly shoved a straw into his mouth.

"Drink up. You've been out for like, through the night. Dr Thompkins just gave you like, 20 stitches for your wound. Followed with a very scathing comment at the doctor who caused that wound." Jason grinned impishly. "I think I heard her said something about reporting him to the Doctors' Association or something? Or was it surgeon's association? I dunno. I suppose she'll make sure he'll never practice medicine ever again on the grounds of insanity."

"Doctor...?" Tim croaked again, even after the water went down his throat. There were still several metaphorical frogs lingering. His brain told him that he should be glad he wasn't living in a Harry Potter world - otherwise metaphorical toads could be literal.

"Oh yeah, Dr Thomas Elliott." Stephanie replied, finally getting into Tim's line of vision. "I am very proud to say that my right hook will be forever immortalized in the bruise for that jackass' mugshot when he was arrested for attempted murder." she said. Jason snickered.

"Blondie's got a mean right hook," Jason said. 

Stephanie bowed exaggeratedly. "Thanks, got a lot of practice with wankers at the hospital. There's bound to be at least one whenever I'd go there to pick up my mom."

Tim turned a little to look at Jason.

"How did you get up there...?" he wanted to know.

"Hey, I have great upper body strength--" Jason replied, a little indignantly.

"--he's a Dorito." Stephanie added at the same time.

"--and I can walk, thank you very much. Just a little sore when I walk too long." Jason finished. That Tim knew. Just didn't think that Jason would have literally taxed his physique so severely just to protect Tim...

"Did you guys knew he'll be there?" Tim wondered out loud. The scheme against Dick was quite vivid. But Tim... he would never, in a million years, thought that he would be next on the list of targets.

"Babs told us to keep an eye out when she couldn't find Elliott anywhere. By the way, he'll be charged with manslaughter, first and foremost. Mama Elliott's body was found yesterday." Dick explained. "He'd claimed she had a heart attack, but they're totally going to autopsy her thoroughly this time. And by they, I mean the FBI."

"Ah! The hero is awake!" Barbara called as she wheeled in. "You should know that I've sent all of your findings to Agent Prince, and she was reallydelighted for the 'anonymous tip.'"

"Anonymous?" Tim tried to get up, and winced as his side tightened. Jason and Dick's arms were quickly around him, helping him get up and settled him comfortably in a sitting position.

"Lighten up a little, Timmers. You don't want Leslie scowling at you for popping those stitches." Dick told him.

"Yeah, okay... but anonymous?"

"Yep, the LA cops were still continuing the investigation against Jason, definitely. But your findings tied Napier very closely to Elliott, and Quinn's testimony has tipped the favors onto our side, heavily." Barbara explained. "It appeared that Quinn, finding Jason in Napier's LA house, had... how do I say this--"

"A burst of maternal instinct?" Stephanie suggested, smirking contemptuously.

Barbara scowled, and then shrugged. "Eugh. Fine. Maternal instinct - as much as the feminist in me hate the insinuation that you explicitly have to be female to do the right thing like rescuing a kid out of an insane maniac's... Anyway! Apparently she and Isley had taken Jason out of there after punching Napier and Elliott. She admitted of releasing Jason near the Ventura Highway - the 101, hoping he'd find a hospital and find his way home. She didn't expect him to be absolutely drugged and semi-catatonic and fell back to his street-instincts, instead of simply calling for help."

"So she'd killed Napier?" Tim asked.

"No she didn't. She and her girlfriend Pamela Isley were there. Isley confirmed that she had merely punched Napier and Elliott, and then they threatened the guards - there were five guards - that they were calling the cops. The guards apparently scattered afterward, but Quinn provided some of the guards' names to the feds. Diana said that the FBI's people from their LA Field office should be in the crime scene now, finding the evidence. My gut feelings said that Elliott might have bludgeoned Napier a while afterward." Barbara continued. "I personally believed that Elliott might have tried to use and/or manipulate Napier to try and ruin Bruce, and when that failed even after a year, he'd just lost his temper."

"First name basis with Agent Prince now, are we?" Dick grinned at Barbara.

"Eh... I've been talking with her a lot." Barbara brushed him off. "Jealous, Dickie?" she smirked. Dick raised an eyebrow mischievously, and Jason reached across and smacked him upside the head.

"Head outta the gutter, Dickiebird!" he said. "Point is that somebody could testify that I'm not a murderer."

"Not just someone, actually. I managed to..." Barbara glared at Jason impenitently. "...get to the traffic cams' archives from approximately five months ago, and found the footage of Quinn and Isley getting you out of her car from the 101's entrance cam, and then several other footages from the buildings around it. They should be glad, too, because of their exoneration as an accessory of crimes pretty much relied on their bright blonde and red hairs."

Tim noticed Barbara's lips quivered a little, in spite of the light scoff at the ending of her sentence. His imagination then supplied the images of Jason crawling on his broken legs all the way down from Ventura Highways to Skid Row. A good distance of 30+ miles. His brain supplied that the distance would take approximately eight hours of walking - for a healthy individual. Crawling on broken legs would have taken Jason days.

"Cool," Jason breathed a relieved sigh. "All's well ends well, then?"

"There are... still the due processes. You're technically on house-arrest, Jason. Diana requests it to Bruce." Barbara told him. "And you're not allowed to leave the country, obviously."

"Right, I'd just like to take my vacation to Europe right about now, thanks." Jason quipped, flipping an imaginary long hair haughtily. Then he looked at Tim and grinned. "...Or maybe along with the birthday boy-to-be here. Next Wednesday, isn't it?"

Tim definitely made a mental note to figure out how to stop blushing. Dick, Barbara, and Stephanie were definitely not helping matter any.

"Oooh, sweet lil fifteen!" Dick gushed. "I'm throwing a party."

"I'm totally helping. Let's go, Grayson, we have some scheming to do."

"Keep me in the loop, kids. I'm definitely gonna budget for this." Barbara said, turning around as if preparing to whip up a budget for a party.

"Guys...!" Tim groaned. "Seriously..."

"Yes, seriously." Jason said, wrapping his arm around Tim and clasped Tim's mouth. Tim had to fight the urge to childishly lick Jason's hand. "I didn't get my 15th, or 16th party, Timmers. I don't want you to have the same fate." he said. "Besides, I could use a good party here."

Tim found out that he did not want to see Jason's sad smile again. He nodded. Followed by instinctively wrapping his arms around Jason. Still, Tim was sure his brain did not consent his mouth to say out loud, "my Jaybird."

He froze, as he felt Jason tensed, too. But apparently he did not say it as loud as he thought, because Barbara, Dick, and Stephanie were still bickering among themselves about Tim's birthday party. Jason did not tense for long, as he released Tim from his hug and grinned. "Possessive little Timmybird." he said. His smile warmed Tim's heart more than any blankets could as Tim leaned his head on Jason's shoulder.

"Don't ever fly the coop again, okay?"

Jason nodded. "I promise I won't if you won't."

"And I want that European vacation for my 16th."

"Done deal."

[jenna347-blog]

Chapter 5 (Koopa Kingdom fanfiction) draft I may edit this later on

                               Chapter 5

               (Meanwhile Ludwig point of view)

Me, Lemmy, Morton jr., Iggy, and Roy went out to find and rescue Kamek and King/Prince of Koopa. As soon as they arrived at the kidnappers' hideout according to Iggy’s’ tracking device, and the castle looked familiar. “If my calculation is correct, I believe our father, brother, Kamek all should be here you guys.” “I hope you’re correct Iggy because I don’t want to go through this bullshit again.” Roy said in a concerning tone. “Yea Iggy, maybe this could be a damn trap bruh.” Lemmy replied while Iggy pulled out a 3D blueprint watch layout of the building. “Look, I know this could be a damn stretch, but I placed a tracking device microchip while they were sleeping, and those dots on my blueprint is their exact location. At longs, we follow this carefully we may rescue our king, prince, and Kamek….” I interrupted him. “Sorry to interrupt you, Iggy, even though this is a good idea. But I should make the decisions around here as a true leader should.” “Well, “Mr. Leader” if you let me finish maybe you know that I was going to say that we need to make sure stick together and make sure we’re not detected, it shouldn’t take us maybe not even 30-60 minutes if you follow my league.” They all agreed, Iggy made sure to disarm any type of alarm, CCTV, and in case they had body heat sensors. As soon he was finished, he finally transported us inside making sure no one notice once we entered. “Okay guys, and before you say or do anything stupid like you always do Roy. Roy gave Iggy type of look how dear you say something so foul. Don’t give me that look, Roy, you know it’s true, but anyway it says that they’re located on the other side of the building. If we are very careful and not make any sound, we could rescue them in a snap.” “Don’t you think we should split up to make sure we get every area in this castle bruh?” Lemmy asked I replied to his question by saying. “You may have a point, but like Iggy had said before we need to make sure we stick together just in case we can charge at our enemies head-on. Plus, this place is like a maze and could be boobytrapped” “I guess you’re a right bruh.” “Stop lollygagging around chumps, let’s get our family and get the fuck out of his, the others are probably worried sick about us by now.” I thought to myself that Jennifer was worried about me as well, felt the same way about her. I knew I couldn’t contact her to make sure she was okay, because we both knew if she ever gets caught in my room she could go straight to the dungeon. Feel like I love way too damn much to ever lose her, it’ll break my heart. “Look I’m the only one who should make the decisions here wellbeing the leader and all. I think we should split up: I and Lemmy will go left and two just go straight, think we could make it out better that way. Not just that we have wands and not just that Iggy and I aren’t stupid, unlike some people that we know.” “HEY!! Who are you calling…”? “Who cares, and you two want someone to hear us you loudmouths, and back to you Ludwig you may be the oldest and share the same IQ, but I still have the right equipment to figure out our way around this damn castle, so if you just want to use your wand fine by me. Just don’t cry to me when you both are going to bloody die, let’s go Roy seems like our brother thinks he’s better than us.” Lemmy shockingly looks at me. “Ludwig, this doesn’t seem like you in any way, not just that I never would think you’ve called me and Roy stupid. If you feel that way about us, then I think that we should separate as well. This is probably why dad picked Jr to become the future king of our land, going with Iggy and Roy, please think about it for a minute because I don’t want to be near someone who acts like because I miss the old Ludwig. Yo, wait up for me bros.” While walking towards the end of the hallway had long thought about what Lemmy had said and he was right about it including Iggy and Roy. But at the same time should know that I’m trying to prove to our father that I could take charge, even though I truly hate my ratchet family still must have to make my father think I’m better than those morons. They just don’t understand I must take over that kingdom for my own, at the same time can’t allow them to see that maybe the reason why I reacted the way I did towards them was that I truly miss Jennifer even though we just that but it felt like that we knew each other for a very long time. As soon as I went towards the end of this hallway, I hear some mumbling in one of these rooms it could be them or could be a trap, placing my hand against the wooden door trying to magically can see what’s going on on the other side of the door. Looks like them but at the same time it doesn’t, trying to phone-in Iggy, Lemmy, and Roy nobody answers thought they were still pissed, so I left a message trying to tell them that I could’ve found them in this room. Once I did so, Lemmy was the one who called me back via face cam but only wanted to communicate in a whisper. “Yo Ludwig, when I, Iggy, and Roy went to our separate ways somebody just snapped them into a room, but I ran away before they could get to me. You need to come by, and we need to figure out what to do bruh.” “Sure Lemmy, I’ll be there in a quick minute. Replied and used transporting spell to his location. Ok, so what the hell happened, and why didn’t you help in any way?” “I got scared okay damn bruh. Let’s just find them including pops, Junior, and Kamek.” I just wish he wasn’t so damn careless, so he shows me the room that the guys that grabbed them into. Like I thought it would be bloody empty, and I asked him was he sure that he saw these unknown people snatch them into this room. He was for certain that he had seen them doing this, thought maybe they had gone into a hidden passageway either behind the bookshelf or underneath the floor, the only one that would work was the false floorboard. “Ludwig, I don’t think we should go down there, because we could get caught.” “I don’t think we have anything to worry about don’t be stupid and so damn scared of everything.” “Yea, tell that Iggy and Roy the same thing bruh.” While rolling his eyes, I could tell that he felt like a total wimp kind of like Larry in away.  “Whatever, just help me get this bookshelf open maybe they through here.” (I just wanted to get this over with and make Bowser see I should be the one who could take over the Koopa kingdom and not that damn brat, while my beloved become a queen of all koopas. I miss my princess the sooner I get them the better.) “Damn dude it's so damn dark in these halls.” “What do you expect? It’s a damn tunnel and keeps it down we may get caught.” “Maybe we should at least have a torch to lead the way you know how I feel with dark areas.” (Please kill me). “Okay, let me figure out where we could find something to “light up this room” or I got one deal with the darkness… Forgot about his rainbow hair and war face makeup tends to act like a glow stick. Maybe we could use your hair and your war face paint as a glow stick to find our way towards our family.” “Bruh, I’m just hoping that we don’t run into a trap would be a bummer…. (Mumbling). If I’m correct that sounds like Iggy and Roy.” “Let’s slowly go in to make sure this isn’t a trap like you had mentioned before. As I slowly crept up towards “Iggy and Roy” only finding out that these were dummies and a recording the door behind had slammed shut before it did, we saw the crooks who kidnapped them in the first place. Damnit, can’t believe we fell for that bull!” (Fawful on a projector) “Is this mic working? There it goes, hello Ludwig and Lemmy, I hope you like your new room because I wanted to make sure you koopalings were in a pleasant place to be in.” “Where’s our family you monster?” Trying to act like a tuff 4-year-old child. (Great job Lemmy) “Aww! You’re so damn cute little Koopa if I told you that what would be the fun in that right. Oh yeah, before I forget Ludwig, I think you would love this new gift that one of my goons had grab from your room. But some birdy had told me that nobody in your family knows about your little princess I heard she’s from a different universe, you’re probably wanted to know how I know all about this outsider. But Fawful would promise you that this young lady would be treated so damn well, don’t worry about anything my dear Ludwig, because if you try anything maybe just maybe you’re going to be the next red cap mustache fat plumber, who knows right but I’m going to keep you from your woman, adopted father, grandfather, or your brothers right. Oh yeah before I let you two go also got the rest of your clan as well, just because like before Fawful is going to take over Koopa, Beam Bean, and that got damn mushroom kingdom a place that your dumb drunk ass father tried to take something that belongs to yours truly…. Muffling and crying Fawful slaps Jennifer. You better shut the hell up! I wanted to kill him so damn bad I think I’ll let you go have a great day.” “Ludwig, you allowed an outsider into our castle, what the fuck is wrong with you bruh? You always called me and Morton dumb, but I think this is the worst thing that you ever have done.” “I didn’t she came all on her own, I thought she was working for the Mushroom kingdom but the time we got to know each other we started to love each other. Look Lemmy I know you wouldn’t understand, but she’s my princess and my everything, if I lose here don’t know what I’m going to do anymore can’t live without her.” “Hey look, man, even though I shouldn’t get mad at you because our dad did the same thing right. We could get through this just need to figure out a way to fight for our family, you’re the best leader that we could ever ask for, so why are we standing around and acting like the end of the world let’s go get them. So, what do you think do you want to save our family and your princess? While holding his hand out, I guess he was trying to say was “everyone can fall, but we can get back on the horse again”. Hmmm. Maybe we could use our wands to get out of here and try to reach towards them.” “The only problem would be if Fawful has CCTV with audio around here, don’t want him to catch on with our plans.” Lemmy took out a pen and notepad he said, “just take your wand from your hair, try to see if they’re any cameras in the room and if so, try to get rid of them.” I thought this could work but had to think about this, even though we can’t just sit here and do nothing while our family even though I kind of despise them, but I need to save my deadly princess she needs me more than ever. So, I went along with his plans did so, but I had to make sure I do this correctly without setting any alarms. (One of the Cameras breaks and waits). “Hopefully that works, but I have a feeling that’s not the only one in this room. I don’t know why but that was too damn easy.” “Maybe I could get a whack at it bruh. Putting his wand on his temple guessing if he could find a trick on allowing him to find a way to destroy the motherboard. Okay, bro, I found something to make sure he wouldn’t expect a damn thing, Iggy once showed me a trick to destroy a switchboard if it connects via CCTV going towards body heating type scanners.” “Don’t just tell me this just do it, Lemmy.” Heard something in the distances, then the door finally opened, didn’t think he was this clever with anything, or at least listen to either me or Iggy. “Okay, hopefully, that’ll allow us to get around this castle for now before Midbus tries to fix it. But I don’t have to worry about old pig boy though bruh. Saying all of this while laughing. But maybe I could my wand to try to use it like a wishbone and try to find them that way.” “You mean we could’ve done that from the start, Lemmy!” Grabbing him by his shirt. “Oh, I didn’t say that before, even though if I did tell you, you’ll think I was beyond stupid bruh.” “And if you fuck up this time, and my princess dies. I’m either going to kill you by breaking you into pieces or allow Fawful to do anything he wants to you.” “Yeah bruh you got my word, please let me go. Replying as he was barely breathing, then I let him go. Thought you would never let me go, don’t know what’s wrong with you man starting to worry me bruh, just calm down we’ll find her trust me on this one bruh. Trying to get a signal on his wand finally got something northwest of the castle. I think we’re so damn, says that they should be right in this room.” “You better be right boy, like I said someone is going to see their maker. Once we enter this room, and there was my beautiful princess including our family. Trying to untie them, as soon they were free my dear love was trying to say something and looks like she wanted to tell us someone was behind us. “Oh, Ludwig and Lemmy Koopa, you thought it was going to be that easy to defeat me. Midbus, get these nasty little Koopas and show them how we do it in Bean Beam Kingdom mon.” “Sure thing Lord Fawful.” “Lemmy, just try to get them out of here I’ll take Midbus head-on.” Lemmy took his wand and tries to take them back to the castle, but some reason his wand doesn’t work in this room. “Dammit, dude! I guess we must do this old fashion way. Saying this while Midbus is beating every living shit out of me. (Muffling). Are you trying to say something strange lady? Let me take this bandana off your face okay.” “First Lemmy I do have a damn name, and second Fawful if you don’t let us go, I’ll make you pay for everything you have done to us.” “Oh, Jennifer, you think you could do anything in this universe. Not even the Mario bros could finish me off, it got so bad that they needed King Bowsers' help tried to stop me from taking over Bean Beam, Koopa, and the Mushroom Kingdom. But guess what Fawful keeps coming back for more Fawful never stops keeps moving forward, so if you think some low life human could stop me, I would like to see you try.” Starts laughing, but that quickly ended when he heard Midbus being dropped to the ground moaning in pain later died when from having his neck snapped. “Don’t you lay a hand on her you little ingrate. I can see in the corner of my eye my deadly princess whispering to Lemmy with an evil smirk for some reason I already knew he was going to do something looking back at Fawful. I think my love wants to do something to you, Lemmy maybe we should allow her to torture Mr. Fawful. I want you to untie our family get them out of here while I and Jennifer deal with him” “Sure thing bruh.” “I know you want to hate me King Bowser, but this isn’t the time to do so we can talk about this when we get back to the castle. Now for you Fawful, you had kidnapped the wrong chick today little boy. As Jennifer throws him across the room. Is there any way to reverse the spell barrier, so we could make this torture so much fun? Bowser nods even though I could tell that he was kind of piss for her trespassing into our castle, but also knew this wasn’t the perfect time to start an argument and started to head back to the castle while I and Jennifer handle Fawful.  Now back at you little monster. Would you like to know what I could do? Well, when I was back in Ludwig’s’ room, found a book that I could let say have 2 voices in the same mind, instead of rambling on, Lira can just show you what I’m rambling on about right.” (summons Lira). “It’s nice to meet you Mr. Fawful heard so much about you my dear….” Fawful interrupts her after he spits in her face and being tied up. “I don’t know who you think you are, but when I get out of these ropes you and the Koopa clan are freaking dead. Not just that I’ll soon enough control all of these fine kingdoms.” I placed a gag ball in his mouth to shut him up. “His voice was so damn annoying now would you finish Ms. Lira.” “Oh, I sure can Mr. Ludwig, thank you so very much. Where was I oh yes, Ludwig could you help me torture our guest? He agreed to her offer. Great, Mr. Fawful would love to show you what we going to do for you and to you (a table full of drills and many other dangerous tools). Ludwig, please pick one of these lovely blunt objects to make our guest feel so good dear sir.” “Sounds good to me Ms. Lira, maybe I should try this torch lighting up this steal pole placing this on his face” An evil smile was upon both of our faces, too bad that my beautiful princess couldn’t experience this pleasure. While burning the pipe, Lira finds out that Fawful tries to untie himself and she prevents him to free himself. “Mr. Fawful you think you could get out of here that easily, not under my watch. Explains to him while giving out an evil laugh. Now, Ludwig, I hope that pipe is ready for some great burns, don’t worry my dear sir this wouldn’t hurt a bit maybe in my point of view, but a lot on you though.” Telling her that it finally was ready, placing it upon his face turning it around slowly, she told me that my beautiful princess was so damn happy that I cause him so much pain she also felt the same way. “Well, Fawful, I think it’s Lira turn to cause you some pain, and if she doesn’t mind it’ll get to the point, we may just torture you so much to the point you may die.” “Oh, Mr. Ludwig, my mother (Jennifer) picked the most perfect man, maybe we both could pour some acid on his pants and poke a hole through his cheeks and leaving it there.” Told her that we could use our magic to pour it on him so it wouldn’t cause any type of damage towards us. And when I tell you the sound of him suffering brought a joyful tear into my ears, it gave me a type of high I never had before, not just that reminds me of going to a classical play just so damn calming to me. “Aww, I think Mr. Fawful wants to leave because he is so much pain, even though we just starting this joyful torturing, so you can meet your beam bean kingdoms god right. Oh, I think my mother has a great point in trying something more painful. What do you think Mr. Ludwig? hopefully, you’re on board with her plans to make sure his death is the most dreadful and painful. I told her and my beautiful deadly princess that wanted to hear their ideas. Well, Mr. Ludwig, she wants me to take this drill and placing it into his bloody head to see how much these ratchet Beam Bean can take, then put it on repeat. What she meant by that is magical fix the hole but make him go through the same type of pain kind of a loop, I guess I shouldn’t take this forever. (Lira/Jennifer does this torture for about an hour). I think we need to move this torture along and just straight up kill him, because we’re getting kind of bored Mr.Ludwig I guess you can take the truly sweet lead my dear, this should be fun. Well, Mr. Ludwig, hopefully you have fun with our guest here Jennifer would see you back at the castle dear.” Explaining while disappearing. “Oh I’ll have so much fun with you. Maybe I’ll take my time, because you look like you could last a very long ass time dear sir. Let me see maybe I could grab this machete and start skinning you but you going to have this fun pain for hours on repeat till I feel bored enough to just end your life for good. Only reason I agree for this to happened not just because of my deadly princess/Lira, but our kingdom wanted to do this to you that ratchet stack of bacon for far too damn long now mostly me, and now that my dreams are coming true. Starting to skinned him from his left shoulder to his wrist, the screams that he made like I mention felt so wonderful to me like if I had a expenivse steak and red wine. (A hour later) See Fawful, that wasn’t bad right, now I’m going to gash your eyes out and after that I’m going to set you on fire. (gashing his eyes out with a sharp blade slowly he started to cry for bloody murder)After I done so grab myself a seat and just flat out told him. You know what Fawful, I may not even burn you alive. Shocking I know, but wouldn’t be fun if I did at the same time I don’t want to have my deadly dark princess waiting in the castle with those no good losers. Maybe I should just cut your head off and put it on the stakes, you’re head would put me first in line for Koopa Kingdom throne, (Got the biggest knife that I could find plus making it sharper) I’ll make sure your death painful as possible.” Started to cutting his limps off piece by piece very slowly, dumping his limbs in a bucket filled with a very strong and deadly acid. Now all was left was his torso, after that I chup his head off and placing it in a burshack bag. Decided to take some gasoline making a trail from this room-outside about 30 feet from the castles entrance, using my wand as a made shift ligther. Then magically tellaported back to the castle, just like I thought everyone was waiting on your one truly. (Koopa Troopas chants Ludwig 4x) Brings a smile upon my face, but I didn’t see my princess anywhere maye she’s probarly in crowed cheering me on. “Koopa Kingdom, I come before you today to let you guys know that we don’t have to worry about that unlawful bean beam ever again include his minion Minbus. Because I of his head and blew up layor, but I didn’t act alone with the torture/killing of Fawful, would to like to announce if it’s okay with King Bowser that I bring up my beautiful partner Jennifer.”

[junker-town]

Here are the biggest NFL veterans who could be cut this offseason

Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

NFL teams looking to save some money means some familiar names will be looking for new homes.

The NFL’s salary cap leads to plenty of roster churn every year. Franchises are tasked with balancing expensive proven veterans with cheaper talent. That means some pricy athletes could find themselves looking for new homes — even if they’re still in their primes.

Last year, we saw former Pro Bowlers like Gerald McCoy, Demaryius Thomas, and Justin Houston excised in advance of free agency. This offseason has already seen All-Pro tight end Greg Olsen left to ponder his football future.

These are the other veterans who could join him on the free agent market, ranked by order of how much they can save their respective teams by leaving this spring.

Already gone

Josh Norman, CB, Washington

Savings from cutting Norman: $12.4 million

Norman was just one of many things that went wrong for Washington in 2019. He suffered through his worst season in the league, where he gave up more than 11 yards per target and accounted for -1 points saved, per SIS. That’s the lowest score among any cornerback who started at least five games last fall.

This sudden downturn at age 32 could put Dan Snyder’s former prized signing on the chopping block. The 2015 All-Pro has failed to reach that standard since joining Washington in 2016. As a result, the club plans to release him and make him a free agent this offseason.

#Redskins are releasing CB Josh Norman, source says. Intriguing situation to watch, as he now has time to find his new team ahead of free agency.

— Mike Garafolo (@MikeGarafolo) February 14, 2020

Wide receiver Paul Richardson, who lasted just two seasons into his five-year, $40 million contract with Washington, will be released as well. Ryan Kerrigan, 31 years old and headed into the final year of his contract with none of the $11.6 million owed to him guaranteed, could also be up for discussion.

Prince Amukamara, CB, Chicago Bears

Savings from cutting Amukamara: $9 million

Amukamara has been a steady, if unspectacular cornerback in his nine seasons as a pro. While he made 42 starts for the Bears the past three years, Chicago felt it could better spend the additional $9 million owed to him elsewhere. Like perhaps on a veteran quarterback to push Mitchell Trubisky for the starting job?

Marcell Dareus, DL, Jacksonville Jaguars

Savings from cutting Dareus: $20 million

Dareus, at his best, is worth $20 million+ annually. The problem is, he hasn’t been that player in several years. Even if he was, the 2020 Jaguars — currently with negative cap space — probably couldn’t afford him. As such, they declined his 2020 option and made him a free agent on the eve of the Scouting Combine.

Dareus broke through with a 10-sack season in 2014 that he’s been chasing ever since. In just six games, he averaged a career-low 2.2 tackles for an underwhelming Jaguars defense in 2019. More telling, those tackles came an average of 4.2 yards past the line of scrimmage, which is an untenable mark for a player who is supposed to be pushing blockers backward and creating chaos in the trenches.

While he can still be a useful presence in the middle of a defensive line, he’s due for a major pay cut this offseason.

Russell Okung, OT, Los Angeles Chargers

Savings from cutting Okung: $13 million

Okung’s release would have been a surprise. The veteran left tackle played well in 2019 when he was on the field — but that only lasted six games due to a pulmonary embolism and, later in the season, a groin injury.

While he was capable, he didn’t fit in with LA’s rebuild. Rather than release a Pro Bowl-caliber blocker, he’ll be traded to the Panthers in exchange for guard Trai Turner.

The deal is tentatively agreed to and is expected to be processed at the start of the league year: The #Chargers are trading LT Russell Okung to the #Panthers in exchange for standout OL Trai Turner, sources say. A swap of big-time OLs. Nothing is final until it’s official.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) March 4, 2020

Turner is signed through 2021 compared to Okung’s 2020, and his $12.8 million cap hit for the upcoming season is less than Okung’s $15.5m. His cap number jumps to $15.4m next offseason, however — so we could see Turner wind his way to this list in 2021.

No decision yet

Andy Dalton, QB, Bengals

Savings from cutting Dalton: $17.7 million

Dalton gave the Bengals nine seasons of mostly good, never great quarterbacking. Now he has no place on team ready to draft Heisman Trophy winner Joe Burrow with the No. 1 overall pick. Dalton’s career in tiger stripes is almost certainly over.

Even though Cincinnati will need a veteran quarterback to help ease Burrow’s presumptive transition from LSU to the NFL, it’s time for both sides to move on. The money saved by releasing the Pro Bowl quarterback can be spent acquiring weapons and bolstering the offensive line tasked with keeping Burrow’s jersey clean in 2020.

Sammy Watkins, WR, Kansas City Chiefs

Savings from cutting Watkins: $14 million

Watkins has shown flashes of star-making play throughout his six-year career, but has ultimately failed to live up to the potential that made him the fourth overall pick in 2014. This past season was no different. He began it with a three-touchdown, 198-yard performance in the Chiefs’ season opener, had just one 100-yard game in the next 13 games, and finished the year with 14 catches for 288 yards in the postseason.

That makes it hard to justify Watkins’ $21 million cap hit for 2020 — especially now that reigning Super Bowl MVP Patrick Mahomes is eligible for what’s sure to be a massive contract extension. With Chris Jones careening toward free agency, the team’s decision may come down to either its second-best wide receiver or the defensive lineman who helped save a Super Bowl win.

Then again, in the biggest game of his life, he put Richard Sherman on roller skates.

Sammy Watkins diced up Richard Sherman, then Patrick Mahomes just had to drop a pass in the bucket pic.twitter.com/ezEyARIu26

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) February 3, 2020

It’s possible the two sides find a middle ground on a restructured contract that extends Watkins’ contract while spreading his massive cap hit and guaranteed cash into the future.

Derek Carr, QB, Las Vegas Raiders

Savings from cutting Carr: $13.6 million

Carr’s future with the Raiders is very much up in the air. Reports suggest the franchise is interested in making free agent Tom Brady the face of its Las Vegas debut.

Brady may be a long shot, but this year’s free agent crop includes plenty of veteran alternatives should the Raiders want to swap out QBs. Las Vegas could also package its two first-round picks this April and move up to select a rookie quarterback at the draft.

The team has a lot of spending room this offseason, so moving Carr isn’t a priority, even if it lures a young QB to Nevada. He remains an efficient, if low-impact passer who could bring back a decent return via trade. There isn’t really a glaring reason for the Raiders to cut him loose, but this is Jon Gruden we’re talking about. You can’t rule out any splash-making move in advance of his team’s first season in Vegas.

A.J. Bouye, CB, Jacksonville Jaguars

Savings from cutting Bouye: $11.4 million

Like Dareus, Bouye is a highly paid defender who has seen better days. And like his colleague, he could be looking at a change of venue this offseason thanks to the Jaguars’ cap crunch. The former Texan allowed opposing QBs to post a 106.0 passer rating against him this past season while completing two-thirds of their passes with him in coverage.

With Jacksonville eager to find a way around Nick Foles’ cap-clogging $22 million average salary, Bouye’s departure could be the next step in a mini-rebuild of the Jacksonville defense.

Janoris Jenkins, CB, New Orleans Saints

Savings from cutting Jenkins: $11.3 million

The Saints will have to figure out what to do with all three of their quarterbacks — Drew Brees, Teddy Bridgewater, and Taysom Hill — and are already strapped for cash heading into the new fiscal year. One easy space-saving move would make New Orleans the second team to cut Jenkins in the past three months.

The Saints claimed Jenkins after he was released by the Giants for a combination of on-field malaise and off-field concerns. He performed well in New Orleans despite the team’s sudden playoff exit, but his one-year, $11+ million cap number may be too steep. There’s a chance the Saints work out a longer-term deal in order to massage those numbers and keep him in black and gold moving forward.

Joe Flacco, QB, Denver Broncos

Savings from cutting Flacco: $10 million

The Joe Flacco who led the Ravens to a Super Bowl XLVII win is no more. This is the era of a Joe Flacco who is barely a replacement-level passer.

The former Super Bowl MVP has been mostly forgettable the past five seasons, recording an 83.0 passer rating and a 26-33 record as a starter. He also had his lead role usurped in both Baltimore (Lamar Jackson) and Denver (Drew Lock) after midseason injuries. General manager John Elway could keep him in Colorado to continue in his role as Lock’s mentor, or the Broncos could cut Flacco and invest a fraction of the savings involved to lure an available free agent quarterback to town instead.

Dontari Poe, DT, Carolina Panthers

Savings from cutting Poe: $9.8 million

The Panthers have a new coach for 2020. Olsen is no longer with the team. With Cam Newton’s Carolina future up for debate, there’s a chance we’re looking at a wholesale rebuild in Charlotte.

A 30-year-old Poe wouldn’t have much of a role in a Panther renaissance. The space-clogging tackle is set to be the third-highest paid player on the roster after a good, but not great season. With limited expectations for the upcoming year, he could be cut free as new head coach Matt Rhule looks to assemble his own roster.

Xavier Rhodes, CB, Minnesota Vikings

Savings from cutting Rhodes: $8.1 million

The Vikings have some very difficult decisions to make this offseason. With -$12.3 million in cap room — worst in the NFL by a significant margin — Minnesota is going to have to cut some expensive veterans. First on the chopping block will likely be Rhodes, who signed a five-year, $70.1 million contract extension in 2017 and struggled mightily in both 2018 and 2019. Per SIS, he gave up a 122.9 passer rating in coverage last fall.

Cutting Rhodes still leaves the Vikings well over the cap, however. Minnesota will have to trim the fat elsewhere, and that could mean one or two strong players winds up as an unexpected jewel in this year’s free agent crop.

Jimmy Graham, TE, Green Bay Packers

Savings from cutting Graham: $8 million

Graham hasn’t been the red zone panacea the Packers hoped he would be when they signed him to a three-year, $30 million contract in 2018. After scoring 10 touchdowns in his final season with the Seahawks in 2017, Graham has just five scores over two years in Green Bay.

The Packers drafted Jace Sternberger in the third round in 2019 to take over as Graham’s replacement, but injuries limited him to only six games as rookie — and one target from Aaron Rodgers, which he dropped. Still, if head coach Matt LaFleur thinks the second-year tight end is ready for a promotion, Graham’s tenure in Wisconsin could be over after two seasons. While the team hasn’t made an official decision yet, it seems to be trending away from the former Pro Bowler.

One potential play-maker hitting the market: #Packers TE Jimmy Graham is not expected back in Green Bay, sources say. The move with the 33-year old former free agent signing is noteable, though not a surprise for anyone involved.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) March 4, 2020

Malcolm Butler, CB, Tennessee Titans

Savings from cutting Butler: $7.4 million

While he’s been steady in two seasons with the Titans, Butler is far removed from the form that made him an All-Pro with the Patriots in 2016. He’s been a good, if inconsistent, corner when healthy — and Tennessee is paying him like a great one.

The Titans have two major priorities at hand with both Ryan Tannehill and Derrick Henry barreling toward the open market. Carving out extra space for them could mean cutting Butler, who didn’t play a snap for the club in 2019 after Week 9 and thus missed the team’s Cinderella run through the first two weeks of the postseason.

Nate Solder, OT, New York Giants

Savings from cutting Solder: $6.5 million

Solder was the first big-ticket signing of general manager Dave Gettleman’s tenure. He hasn’t panned out the way the Giants hoped, though. His 37 blown pass protection blocks were the most in the NFL in 2019.

He’ll turn 32 years old before the upcoming season, so last year’s struggles could either be an outlier in an otherwise solid career or the beginning of an age-related decline. He was the most important piece of an offensive line that allowed Daniel Jones to get sacked 38 times in 12 starts last season, a number that threatens to stunt the young QB’s growth if it isn’t remedied.

If Solder isn’t cut in 2020, this could be the former blindside protector’s last chance to prove he’s still an upper-tier blocker.

[ec-sanderssides]

Touch Starved III

So this was supposed to be fluffy. But then Morality ended up having a lot of emotions, and all, it didn’t stay that way. Sorry guys. Also my inspiration while writing this was “Sleepsong” by Secret Garden

Part I Part II Part IV

As Anxiety shuffled into the dining room the next morning, he kept his eyes downcast and his shoulders hunched. A large part of him was hissing in the back of mind to flee, to hide away in his room. But he’d promised Prince he’d come out today. He’d also promised himself to try and let the others get this whole touch thing out of their system.

Also he hadn’t had the chance to eat last night after dropping the plate, so he was really freaking hungry. Truthfully that had been the only thing that had allowed him to work up the willpower to come down.

Still keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the floor, he slunk over to his seat, flopping down in it with a huff. Once sitting, he allowed his eyes to flick upwards. Logic was sitting across from him with a newspaper. Seeing Anxiety looking at him, he raised his cup in greeting.

“Salutations, Anxiety,” he said. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Sure,” Anxiety said flatly. “Whatever.”

Thankfully before Logic had a chance to reply and make the situation even more awkward, Morality swooped in with a plate covered in bacon.

“Good morning!” he sang out. “I made toast, bacon, eggs and sausages!”

“Do you have jam for the toast?” Prince asked, entering the room.

Morality hummed. “I’m not sure,” he said, “You can go check the cupboards though.”

Prince nodded and ducked into the kitchen. Logic had turned his attention more fully to his paper, which meant that the only person left for Morality to focus on was...

“Anxiety!” Morality beamed at him. “I’m glad you came down. Make sure to take as much food as you like, kiddo. And if you want something else, just ask, ok?”

Anxiety shifted uncomfortably. See all this fussing and special treatment was what he was trying to avoid.

“This is fine,” he muttered, reaching out to grab a slice of toast. He shoved it in his mouths without even bothering to butter it, too determined to have an excuse not to talk.

Morality wasn’t deterred though. He kept chattering on. “Well I’m glad! I’m really happy you cam down today, I was starting to get a bit worried. So do you have any plans for today?”

Anxiety squinted at Morality. Where was this going?

“No,” he eventually said slowly. “Not really.”

“Do you want to rematch the Lego Batman movie with me then?” Morality asked bouncing up and down in his seat. “Logic isn’t interested, and Roman said he was going to be busy coming up with video ideas today.”

Anxiety almost said no. But then he remembered his stupid promise.

“Yeah, sure I guess,” he mumbled. Just let them get it out of their system, he reminded himself. Then it will go back to normal. You’ll be left alone again.

“Yay!” Morality clapped his hands together. “I have to take care a few things first, but want to meet up in the common room after lunch.”

“Sounds great,” Anxiety replied, moodily poking at his bacon. At least he’d have time to mentally prepare himself.

After lunch, (they typically were on their own for lunch, with breakfast and dinner begin the designated “family” times), Anxiety made his way into the common room. Morality was already there, sitting on the couch, remote in hand.

“Hey, Anxiety,” he waved. “I’ve got the movie all set up, so just come sit down.”

Normally, Anxiety would have gone to one of the armchairs to sit. But this time he sat down right next to Morality, feeling their legs brush together. Morality looked a bit startled, but thankfully didn’t comment.

“I love this movie so much,” he chattered, “It’s just so cute!”

“It’s ok,” Anxiety said flatly. He did actually like the movie. Somehow it had ended up being more true to the comics than most movie portrayals of Batman were. That didn’t mean he had to be enthusiastic though. He’d already shown up, Morality wasn’t getting much more out of him.

Not fifteen minutes into the movie, Anxiety could feel Morality begin to fidget. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at the other side. He looked weirdly nervous.

After a few more minutes, Anxiety felt Morality shift again. His arm, which had previously been at his side, now stretched up and over, until it rested on the back of the couch. It wasn’t really touching Anxiety, but he was aware of its proximity, just a hair’s breadth away from being around his shoulders.

He could feel himself tense a little, but forced himself to relax. It was fine. It made Morality happy. He could deal with it.

As the movie went on, Anxiety found himself focusing less and less on Morality’s nearness to him. Mostly because he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He hadn’t really slept much the night before. Sure, he’d tried, but he’d just ended up tossing and turning all night, his mind refusing to shut up.

And, well, sitting on the couch, the noise from the TV a comforting drone, who could blame him for struggling to stay awake. Soon, it became too much effort all together, and his exhaustion dragged him under.

There was some kind of noise above him. Still not opening his eyes, Anxiety tried to figure out where he was. He was lying on something warm, and moving?

As the fog in his mind lifted a little, he abruptly realized that at some point while he was sleeping he had leaned against Morality, and he was now partially lying on his chest, and Morality’s arm was now really wrapped around him. And that noise? That was Morality talking.

“You know I remember, when you first appeared in the mindscape,” Morality was saying softly. “You were so small, I just wanted to wrap you up in a blanket. But then you didn’t seem to want any of us near you, so I thought that maybe it was better to keep my distance. To let you make the first move.”

Morality took in a long shaky breath. He sounded as though he was on the verge of tears. Anxiety didn’t move. He wasn’t sure what to do. Morality clearly thought he was still asleep, and he wasn’t sure what the other would do if he realized Anxiety was awake. So he just stayed frozen, keeping careful control of his breathing.

“That was a mistake,” Morality whispered, his tone full of guilt and pain. “I should have known better. I should have made sure you knew you could reach out. Instead I just left you alone, for years. That’s not how a father should act.”

He paused again, sniffing softly. Was he actually crying now?

“And now,” he said sadly, “you’re too scared to even let us help you. You flinch every time we come near you, and you look so confused every time we so much as pat you on the back, like you can’t understand what or why we’re doing that.”

Anxiety felt the hand on his back rise to run its fingers through his hair.

“The only reason you’ve let me this close is because you’re asleep,” Morality continued, “And when you wake up, it’ll just be like before, you’’ll keep looking at us like you expect us to hurt you. And I hate that.”

Morality was definitely crying now.

“I hate that we did hurt you,” he sobbed. “I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you to know that we would look out for you, no matter what. But we didn’t, and I know we’re trying to fix it, but I’m scared that maybe we were too late. God, I hope we weren’t too late.”

Despite the warm arms now clinging desperately to him, Anxiety felt cold. He’d known this hadn’t been a joke, Prince had made it pretty clear that they were serious about this. But this was way more than he had expected. Helpless in the face of what he was now realizing was more than just simple pity, he stayed silent and still.

Morality’s words weren’t intelligible anymore. He only let out sob-filled mumbles, as he pressed his face into Anxiety’s hair. Eventually, the sobbing trailed off.

“I love you, kiddo,” he whispered. “I hope you’ll figure that out someday. We all love you. You’re family, you’ll always be our family.”

Morality sighed, sounding weary.

"I should probably get you back to your room before you wake up,” he said. “I don’t- you’ll be happier if you wake up there.”

With that, Anxiety felt himself being gently lifted upwards, cradled in Morality’s arms. The other side began to walk, carrying him towards his room. The entire time, Anxiety kept his eyes shut.

After a brief fumble with the door, Morality let himself in, and Anxiety felt himself being placed on the bed. A hand brushed his bangs back, and a pair of lips gently pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Sleep well, Anxiety,” Morality murmured. “I hope your dreams are happy. I hope they’re kinder to you than we’ve been.”

Anxiety heard him walk away, the door shutting behind him. Once he was sure Morality was gone, he sat up.

He stared at the now closed door in dismay. This-this wasn’t something he could just indulge for a few days and make it go away. They were- this wasn’t something small

What am I going to do? he thought. I didn’t- I never wanted Morality to cry because of me. But how do I handle this?

He pulled his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapping around them. He was Anxiety, he was supposed to be alone. But apparently the others had decided that wasn’t true.

Part of him wanted to say that it was all a lie, that if they were telling the truth, it would never have been like this in the first place. But a greater part of him knew that there was no dismissing what he had just heard. For better or for worse, the others were serious.

Which meant he was going to have to find a way to deal with it. Anxiety let himself think about what it was like being curled up in Morality’s arms. It-it hadn’t been terrible. It had been awkward, sure, especially since he’d had no idea what to do.

But, at the same time, when he had first been waking up, before he’d realized what Morality was saying, it had actually felt kind of nice.

Hesitantly, Anxiety tried to imagine what it would be like for the others to touch him, what it might be like to hug them. It was… a weird thought. Not bad necessarily, but it also felt kind of overwhelming.

Although, hadn’t Logic said that they’d work up to that? That they weren’t going to try and hug Anxiety right now because they knew it would be too much?

Anxiety chewed on his lower lip. Maybe this wouldn’t be bad? True, he still thought he would be fine without all this fuss and touchy-feely stuff. But, the others cared. And as much as he hated to admit it, knowing that actually made Anxiety feel good. He’d always just figured they’d hated him. After all, why wouldn’t they?

But if they didn’t hate him, and if this whole thing was more than just pity, if it was them maybe trying to show they cared. Then maybe, just maybe, he could let them in.

Anxiety really hoped this wouldn’t turn out to be a mistake. If it was, he knew he’d never get over it.

[deztinywarriors]

ES Spectre 2.0 Chapter 10-4

[ilovethings-somuch]

Dating a God (one-shot?)

Diana Prince/Female reader

A/N: This is shorter than I had hoped, but I think it’s cute (maybe I’m bias?) anyways I am in love with Diana Prince and believe that no man will be good enough for her. I’m going to tag my usual tag list and then also everyone who responded to the post I made a few days ago, if there’s a strike though your username it’s because the tag didn’t work. (if it didn’t work because I spelt it wrong I’m very sorry, tag lists are very difficult)

After the war, life went back to normal. Or at least the normal that I remember. I was told that I should be focusing on finding a husband and not working. But my family died during the war, so not working wasn’t an option. Not to mention the fact that having a husband is not something I’m interested in. I was eventually fired from working in the factory, forced to give my job to returning soldiers. I started working as a secretary, the British government moved me to people who needed help and I was eventually assigned to work for a British spy. I was trained by Etta Candy and she introduced me to Diana Prince.

I was taken by her instantly, much like every man she crossed paths with. She took an unexpected interest in me and we became fast friends. She confided in me how much it hurt to lose her Captain Trevor. I told her about losing my family. We told eachother everything, well I may have kept one thing from her.

“Why do you hide it?” she was very blunt when it came to, well, everything.

“Hide what?” I kept working on the typewriter as I spoke to her, it was just me and Diana left in the office and I had to finish one last thing.

“Your feelings”

“I’m not sure what you mean” I stop typing as my heart starts beating faster and my face gets hotter, but I wasn’t going to tell her.

“You like me, do you not?”

My heart stops, it takes longer than it should for me to respond; that must be what gave it away “You’re a good friend”

“No, no. More than friend”

“Diana,”

“(y/n) why can’t you say it. Here, I’ll start. I like you and I would like to be with yo-” As soon as she starts her sentence I jump out of my chair and move to cover her mouth, stopping her before looking around to make sure the doors are all closed.

“Diana stop. You can’t say things like that”

“What are you talking about? It’s natural, for women to like each other. I lived on an island that was all women, I think I know”

“Yes well, your island is a very special place”

“Yes, it is” she looks away, before continuing more forcefully “But, I still want to be with you” she whispers and holds my hands by my sides. “Do you not want that?” she leans down to force me to look her in the eyes.

“I do want that”

“Good” she smirks before going back to her work. I stand there, looking around and trying to work through what just happened for longer than I should have. I eventually give up and go back to my desk.

That was the start of something wonderful. Our relationship started slowly, from casual touches and harmless flirting to eventually going out on the town together. Going out was hard sometimes. Diana wasn’t afraid of her sexuality, and while I wasn’t necessarily afraid of my sexuality, I was afraid of people who didn’t like it. She wanted to take me to dinner and shows and go dancing, she wanted to experience this world that she didn’t know before. And I wanted to help her experience it, but doing it as her girlfriend was something I wasn’t exactly ready for.

“Diana, we can’t do that” I pull my hand back from hers and keep walking.

“What do you mean? We are together, I want to hold your hand” she stops walking and waits for an explanation.

“I know, but we aren’t supposed to be together. When we get home you can hold my hand all you want, but not here”

“I don’t understand. That man gets to hold his girlfriend’s hand. You are my girlfriend and I want to hold your hand”

“But you’re not a man”

“No, I am a woman. Do I not look like a woman?” she looks down at herself, thoroughly confused and I can’t help but laugh a little.

“Diana I can explain better when we get home” I can feel her scowl after me but she’s soon walking by my side. She wouldn’t talk to me the whole back to my apartment, not that I really minded, I was too preoccupied trying to figure out how to explain this to her.

“Okay, we are home. Explain” She stands a few feet away from me, feet apart and hands on her hips.

“Right, so in this world it is considered wrong for women to be together, in this way”

“But why?”

“I don’t know, there’s reasons like if God wanted there to be same sex couples he wouldn’t have made it only possible to procreate with a man and a women. People are just afraid, I think, because it’s different”

“I am different”

“Yes, Diana, you are a God”

“That is true, so then if people are saying it’s not right because God didn’t want same sex couples, then shouldn’t me being with a women prove them wrong?”

“Well, I think they’re talking about a different God” She shrugs and starts pacing. “Look, Diana I know this sucks. It really fucking sucks, but we can still be together, just not where people can see”

“I don’t want to hide you” she crosses the room and links our hands together

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say”

“I guess, even if we have to hide, I want to be with you” she tilts my face up meet my eyes.

“Really?” I stare at her in disbelief. How does this amazing, beautiful women, this God want to be with me?

“Of course, my love for you is stronger than anything” she says it as though it’s the most casual statement she could make.

“You love me?” we hadn’t used that word yet, I felt it, but it wasn’t something I thought I’d ever be able to say to her.

“Yes, yes I love you. And love, our love, is stronger than all evil”

I smile at the way she turns this moment into a reminder of her quest to defeat all evil, “well, I love you too” She smiles widely at me before crashing her lips to mine. She makes quick work of my blouse before moving onto my skirt. I start unbuttoning her top when I’m greeted by metallic gold and red and I burst out laughing.

“Oh my, Diana do you wear that all the time?” I lean back, laughing and she just looks down at her armour.

“Of course, I never know when I may need to fight” she tells me as if it’s the most obvious thing.

“Okay, you’re right. But now you have to undress yourself because I don’t know how that works”

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[hyungtop]

Can you introduce me to sf9? I don't know much about them tbh.

sure thing! i hope this helps :)

!! long post warning!!

sf9 stands for “sensational feeling 9,” they’re an idol group under fnc entertainment that debuted on october 6, 2016. before debut they were in a program called neoz school as the neoz dance team, along with 4 other trainees that made up the neoz band team (now honeyst, check them out they’re great!) the two groups then entered the survival show dance or band (d.o.b) to get a chance at debut. the dance team won by a very close vote so they got to debut first. in korea, sf9 has released one single album, called feeling sensation, and two extended plays, called burning sensation and breaking sensation. in japan, they’ve recently released two singles, fanfare and easy love. they are currently holding fanmeetings around asia and will be at kcon la next month!

sf9′s fanbase name is fantasy!

sf9 has 9 VeRY GOodLOOkING members: inseong, youngbin, jaeyoon, dawon, zuho, rowoon, taeyang, hwiyoung, and chani, from oldest to youngest. here is a ppt i found with some pretty good info: ppt

some more info about the members:

inseong

born on july 12, 1993 (his birthday was a few days ago!)

main vocalist, oldest member, 1/3 of extra line

from cheongdamdong, seoul

aspiring rapper

“fennec fox” (he thinks he looks like one), wink fairy

currently studying at kyunghee university as a journalism/communications major

in charge of english, his mom is an english teacher so she taught him and he also studied abroad for a year in london!

loves to eat

has THICK ASS THIGHS from playing sports wow those thighs wow

his favorite color is pink, he thinks it makes him look “young and fresh”

former sm trainee

has the stupidest laugh i don’t know how to describe it but it will make you smile every single time

likes to wear different lip tints but isn’t very good at wearing them, he’ll eat after his makeup is done and it smears everywhere

supposedly the mom of sf9 but only in that the maknaes listen to him (most of the time)

youngbin

born nov. 23, 1993

leader, lead rapper, lead dancer

v responsible guy who takes care of his 8 kids

usually very soft-spoken but sometimes he is so loud…so loud

looks a little like chani bc they both have the same haircut

stylists like to put him in shorts and sleeveless shirts bc he got the nice legs and arms

likes to wear caps

cannot do aegyo to save his life but he tries

v cute with his big round eyes and bunny teeth and eyesmile and dumb laugh but he’s a very wild dancer

is actually a pretty decent vocalist

one of the only buns who has piercings in this group, he has two helix piercings in his right ear and one lobe piercing in each ear

always posting on twitter, usually selcas but sometimes just pictures of his fingers or hands

LOVES giving skinship. he used to be very lonely so now he’s very affectionate with the other guys, especially with chani

but doesn’t like receiving skinship, can usually be found screaming when jaeyoon kisses him

jaeyoon

born aug. 9, 1994

lead vocalist, 2/3 of extra line

from busan but is not a manly busan man…we all know he’s afraid of everything sorry honey secret’s out

beautiful smile (those canines!!)

beautiful voice, i wish he had more parts

he has these soulful puppy eyes that make you want to wrap him up and hold him forever

sang the ost for my only love song

inseong’s best friend

resident girl group dance expert, do not challenge him diva jaeyoon will destroy you

very greasy, loves to kiss the camera and act cute

also incredibly sassy?

lowkey disses the other members while he’s trying to secure screentime

but very very sweet and loves to give kisses

dawon

born july 25, 1995

lead vocalist, 3/3 of extra line

real name lee sanghyuk

loud. very loud. you think you know loud? if you haven’t met dawon then haha this guy has two modes, fuckin loud and even louder

is probably screaming or making bad puns

sf9′s moodmaker

hobby: stealing hearts

self-proclaimed aegyo master. it’s bc he does not feel any of the shame that accompanies aegyo

seriously shameless. in their first show champion behind, he stuck his finger up youngbin’s nostril then wiped the same finger on youngbin’s lip

very talkative and very witty. lots of variety sense so he’s had a lot of solo activities, been on the radio and weekly idol segments

loves to kiss chani. if youngbin isn’t kissing chani then dawon is.

actually very soft on the inside and afraid of many things

zuho

born july 4, 1996

main rapper, lyricist/composer

real name baek juho

deep ass voice, sounds like a monster when he raps sometimes

gaze and jawline so sharp they can cut a bitch but um actually he’s a soft baby

likes hugs and kisses and handholding, precious baby who gets upset when the other members aren’t paying him enough attention

perhaps the most 4d, can be found pulling faces and making soft little noises to himself in the bg of many videos

has two very distinct laughs: the first mode is obnoxiously loud “HAHA”s and gasping for air, the second mode is soft but high-pitched giggling

seems like he’s always coughing or sniffling :(

resident bts fanboy

trained the longest (6 years) at fnc

good dancer, proud of his sexy dance ability

proud of his sharp nose “shiny nose juho” “my nose is my swag”

likes to walk around the dorm half-naked, snores like a chainsaw

rowoon

born aug. 7, 1996

main vocalist, visual

if you don’t think he’s hot…well i haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t think he isn’t at least remotely attractive so

tall dark and handsome: he’s 189cm tall (6′2), always flipping his black (now it’s brown) hair, has these beautiful pink lips and good body proportions

cooks and cleans, nags the other members to do their laundry properly

mom-friend wannabe

seriously beautiful inside and out

loves chani so much…but chani doesn’t love him back :( just kidding chani and rowoon are close

has a very high-pitched, giggly little girl laugh

has done some solo activities, such as lipstick prince and modeling during seoul fashion week…he out there networkin

currently a model for innisfree

recently casted as a lead in the drama school 2017

taeyang

born feb. 28, 1997

main dancer, vocalist (i know there’s some debate about whether or not taeyang is a main vocal or not bc he gets almost as many lines as inseong/rowoon bc he’s usually p stable live)

from mokdong, seoul

powerful, wild dancer with many many body rolls what are you doin yoo taeyang

lots of charisma but is a quiet and shy bun offstage

wants to be a florist if he isn’t a singer

very very passionate in everything he does and it shows

loves the fans. has been seen on various occasions staring down lovingly at them from the window of the broadcasting station and praising the lovely law-abiding (??) fans

says a lot of greasy/cheesy things with a cute smile and sweet voice

the other guy who also has piercings, has two lobe piercings in his left ear and one in his right

apparently does not know how to dress himself and has no idea that chicken bones are not considered recyclable waste

considers everyone his baby

hwiyoung

born may 11,1999

rapper, sub-vocalist

supposedly a hidden visual but i don’t really see what they mean bc those visuals are very obviously real

not too great at dancing compared to the other members but he has improved a lot!

“cold city man” of sf9

ironic bc he’s also from busan, and also a wimp

has a pretty deep voice but is in charge of dolphin screams

has a love-hate relationship with chani. they’re close and soft and hold hands but they’re so competitive and always trying to outdo the other

he is inseong’s baby i swear there are so many pictures of him sitting on inseong’s lap

very smiley but is always covering his smile why are you doing that honey

chani

born jan. 17, 2000. an actual child

main dancer, rapper, sub-vocalist

from daejeon

maknae on top. is sweet with the fans, gives us cute smiles and noona aegyo and lots of winks but cuts down his hyungs…they still baby him anyway

is just generally a boob, does the opposite of what everyone tells him to do and laughs while he does it

the object of everyone’s affections especially youngbin

does not appreciate kisses but usually tolerates other forms of skinship

cannot eat spicy food but loveslovesloves chicken

has the deepest voice in the group, other than zuho, and does some pretty bomb imitations of zuho

currently attending sopa! he did a vlive in the cute yellow uniform

acted in a bunch of dramas, earlier this year he was in the movie goodbye single

here are some of their songs:

fanfare: their debut song! mv // live // practice // cute ver.

k.o: a little different than the d.o.b but still very good live // practice 1 2

roar: mv // live // practice // valentine’s day ver.

still my lady: practice // special mv // touch ver.

easy love: probably my favorite bc i started following them during this era! mv // live // practice // self-cam // japanese version

watch out: live // practice // uniform ver.

and some of my personal favorites:

together // tell me what it is // jungle game // shut up ‘n lemme go // around farewell

some videos of the stuff they’ve done:

predebut

heart attack dance cover

i need u cover

i hope cover

i’m a loner cover

lunch time // english lessons // ootd

5 members dance performance: one take // directed by hwi

d.o.b (you can find all episodes here)

click your heart

special food 9

spectacle fantasy 9

so beautiful

battle for vroomie 1 2 3 4 5

otw: busan fansign // gwangju fansign

roar behind

mask pack singer

93 line’s vlive

kcon japan easy love // special stage

kcon ny easy love // special stage

kcon la fanfare // special stage

side note: not sure if you’re interested in ships but some of the more popular ships are inseong/jaeyoon (jaeseong), taeyang/hwiyoung (hwitae), and rowoon/chani (rochan). a few other ships: youngbin/inseong (youngseong), zuho/inseong (juseong), rowoon/zuho (juwoon), and hwiyoung/chani (chanhwi or hwichan) sorry my bias is showing but inseong’s a lil hoe

[kitliveblogs]

so this is basically a long-ass rant disguised as a review of Little Mermaid II that I originally posted on a different blog. maybe someday I'll actually get back to that blog, but for right now the theme is broken and I can't read anything on it anymore.

so for now, this will live right here instead c:

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Everyone's already taken their shots at the notoriously bad Disney sequels made in the late 90s and early 2000s. They're basically a walking punch line just by existing. But really, not all of them are completely worthless, and a couple of them are even pretty enjoyable, in a hilarious "I can't believe they actually made this" sort of way.

But I'm here to talk about only the most heinous of cinematic disasters. And let me make one thing perfectly clear: this isn't just Kit being a bitter and cranky old fogy with a chip on her shoulder because the shitty sequel ruined her childhood. I mean, I am bitter and cranky, but The Little Mermaid II couldn't possibly lower my opinion of the original -- there's not really anything lower than rock bottom. (yeah I hate The Little Mermaid fight me)

This movie is just flat out that bad.

word count: 3070

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I'm just gonna get one thing out of the way right now: nothing about this movie frustrates me more than the cast. This cast is made up of particularly well-known voice actors, and it's heartbreaking that they all got wrangled into doing this shit. Jodi Benson (Ariel), Samuel E. Wright (Sebastian), Kenneth Mars (King Triton), and Buddy Hackett (Scuttle) all return to reprise their roles from the first movie, and Pat Carroll who played Ursula is here to play Morgana, the main villain and Ursula's conveniently-never-before-mentioned sister. Yeah. They're doing that. And on top of getting so much of the original cast, they also roped in:

Rob Paulsen (Eric)

Tara Strong (Melody)

Clancy Brown (Undertow)

Cam Clarke (Flounder)

Rene freaking Auberjonois as Chef Louis

and one my favorite VAs Stephen Furst as Dash, one half of the Timon and Pumbaa knock-offs for the film.

When just looking at the cast list pisses me off this much... I don't think this is going to be much fun.

A quick recap for those who have been living under a rock since the late 70s: The Little Mermaid is the story of Ariel, daughter of the ruler of Atlantica, who at the completely world-wise age of 16 decides she's had enough of life under the sea and wants to live with the humans on land. She turns to the sea-witch Ursula for help, and in exchange for her voice is given a pair of legs and a deadline: kiss the man of her dreams within three days or join the shriveled legion of Ursula's previous victims. Naturally the witch doesn't play fair and Ariel fails, and King Triton offers himself in exchange for his daughter, thus sacrificing his washboard abs and obscenely powerful trident to Ursula. One climactic battle later, Ursula's dead, Triton turns Ariel into a human, and she and Prince Eric live happily ever after.

Until the sequel, of course, where Ariel and Eric have a baby girl, Melody, which makes me question the exact biology of this bizarre offspring. I mean just look at this thing:

She was just born but she's got a full head of hair and disturbingly large blue eyes. It's freakish. But anyway, this is where movie number 2 begins.

And we're off to a good start: smacked in the face with a terrible music number. I would say get used to those, but there aren't really enough in the movie to warrant it -- which is pretty bad when you consider this is supposed to be a musical. Also, "listen to Ariel's Melody"? That's... wow. I can't even say that's cute in a sarcastic way that's just terrible.

But oh no! The party is interrupted by Morgana, who is, as Sebastian so eloquently puts it:

Oh good. I can see we'll be dealing with truly ingenious writing here.

So after stealing the baby Melody, ranting and raving about being better than her sister Ursula, and attempting to feed the baby to a shark (all while Ariel, Eric, and Triton stand there doing absolutely nothing), Morgana flees to the arctic. Wait, the arctic? Well, alright, you need to escape pursuit to a barren wasteland, that's fair. I won't linger on this for now, as the geography problems will get a lot worse later.

One of the main MacGuffins of the movie is a gold locket with Melody's name inscribed on it, that projects an image of Atlantica and plays a lullaby when opened. King Triton was giving it to the baby before Morgana came onto the scene, and after failing to find her in a massive search of the sea, Triton drops it in the water and leaves. This strikes me as odd. Wouldn't you want to hang onto it? As a keepsake of your family? Or at the very least dispose of it more properly, just in case Melody might one day, oh I dunno, find it and realize her mother and father had been lying to her her entire life? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Fast forward 12 years. A giant wall has been built on the shore to keep Melody and the ocean apart, but being a tenacious kid she naturally figured out a way around it. Or rather, under it. Which raises the question: if this child could figure out a way out, why couldn't Morgana figure a way in? It would have been a simple matter to slip under the wall, scale the outside of the tower with her suction cup-riddled tentacles, and kidnap the baby to hold for ransom. Why was it so imperative to wait until Melody found the locket before enacting her plan to steal the trident?

Oh, yeah, that thing I mentioned before about her finding it? Lo and behold, she discovered the damn thing on one of her jaunts to collect seashells (which are comically huge by the way). If only Triton had done literally anything else with it, this whole mess might have been avoided.

But no time to worry about that now; there's a birthday party to attend!

Through a convoluted mess of trying to hide her seashells and pretend she'd been in her room the entire time, Melody accidentally ties Sebastian into the dorky bow on the back of her party dress. I'm sure this will have no consequences down the line at all--

Huh. Didn't see that one coming. This leads to a ridiculous scene of Chef Louis chasing Sebastian around the ballroom like some sort of crazed lunatic. I know this was a thing from the first movie, but this guy is out of his fucking gourd; why do they keep him around? Ultimately, Melody runs off to her room out of embarrassment.

I really don't want to linger on anything for too long since this movie doesn't deserve that much energy, but there's two things about this scene I need to address. One: so basically if Sebastian had just remained calm and waited it out... none of this would have happened? I think the blame for this one falls on him. And two: why the hell are all these other children making fun of Melody? I know she's ~weird~ and all, but she's the freaking princess. Don't you think they'd know better than exclude the princess of the entire kingdom? I would want to stay on her good side is all I'm saying.

Anyway. Melody finally takes a good look at the locket and realizes something's up, confronting her mother about Atlantica. Okay, Ariel, here's your chance. If you just explain the situation, she'll understand and maybe you could even take her to Atlantica under heavy guard or something so she can finally meet her damn grandfather.

Or you could just get mad. Getting mad is good too.

Naturally after that Melody decides to take off, rowing a rather conveniently placed boat out to sea to try and figure it all out for herself. While she meets Undertow and agrees to follow him to Morgana, Sebastian is back at the castle psyching himself up to tell Ariel that Melody ran away.

WAIT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW? IT'S BEEN TWELVE YEARS AND YOU HAD NO IDEA SEBASTIAN WAS KEEPING AN EYE ON MELODY??

So in the end, a) Ariel is the least observant person in the world, b) Sebastian never once told her about Melody's excursions beyond the wall (remember that for later), and c) Triton didn't bother to let Ariel know he'd assigned Sebastian the job, continuing the family cycle of not communicating with each other. In hindsight all this bullshit family drama isn't that surprising.

Back to Melody and Morgana (yes, somehow Undertow and the manta ray minions hauled the boat to the arctic in just a couple of hours), Morgana is doing what she does best: whining about Ursula. Honey, I don't think your mother favored her because she was the oldest; I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that Ursula was actually competent and managed to accomplish her goals. Plus her magic is clearly more powerful than yours, since you have to use one of her potions to turn Melody into a mermaid.

OH MY GOD A SONG. I forgot this movie was supposed to have those. It's an upbeat little tune about learning to swim with her new tail, which quickly evolves into a duet with her mother and finding their "worlds:" Melody finding a place she belongs underwater, and Ariel keeping Melody safe. It's boring, but at least Tara Strong can sing well, and Jodi Benson can still belt it out like she could twenty years ago.

Morgana tells Melody that the spell will only last for two days, and that in order to make it permanent, she'll need the "powerful trident that was stolen from her." I'm sure you're as shocked as I was when it was revealed that she didn't just want a puppy and someone to make her pie. So off Melody goes with naught but determination and a map carved into a block of ice. Wait. That seems... poorly designed.

There aren't even words on it. Now I'm no cartographer, but that seems like a pretty major flaw for a map.

Meanwhile, Ariel has joined the search for Melody as a mermaid again, because apparently, according to Eric, "You should go. You know these waters -- and you know our daughter." Um. I'm not even sure where to begin with that one. Let's just say I agree with half that statement; I'll give you one guess which half.

Back in the arctic-- Stop. Okay look. I liked Timon and Pumbaa well enough. Timon had his moments of obnoxiousness, but Nathan Lane was likable enough to always bring it back, and Pumbaa is still my favorite character from The Lion King. But lemme tell ya, I HATE what Timon and Pumbaa did to Disney for a while. They wanted quirky, amiable sidekicks that would keep the kids entertained and distract from the lion sex happening in the background. I can understand that. But when every kid walked away singing Hakuna Matata and the Disney execs realized what they'd stumbled on, every movie afterward that was bound to fail miserably tried to shoehorn in a pair that would have the same appeal to sell more merch. Timon and Pumbaa themselves wound up with their own movie and a SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW. YEAH. THAT REALLY HAPPENED.

Why do I bring it up? Do you really have to ask?

Meet Tip and Dash, your knock-offs for the evening.

They are, as they put it, "adventurers slash explorers." That might have actually been a good way of setting them apart from the lackadaisical Timon and Pumbaa -- except that in their very first scene they attempt to save a baby penguin from a shark and completely botch the whole thing by being complete cowards. And then when the penguin family gets upset and berates them for their piss-poor job, the movie has the audacity to frame this like we should feel sorry for them. Movie, I refuse to sympathize with them when all the criticism against them is CORRECT. Also sharks don't live in the arctic. Neither do walruses. Just throwing that out there.

From there they bump into Melody, and she convinces them to take her to Atlantica, since Morgana was an idiot for carving the map into an easily-breakable piece of ice. By the way, for the record, Dash is the only likable character in this entire movie, but even then that's not saying much when you consider I'm biased because of his VA. He's the one that actually agrees to help Melody because she's "a damsel in distress," and doesn't care that she's actually a human-turned-mermaid. Come to think of it, this could have been a really good analogy for trans youth, but that probably would have been way too complicated a subject for a shitty Disney sequel.

Also I was gonna skip this part but it's stuck in my head so I'd like to introduce you to the CATCHIEST AND MOST OBNOXIOUS SONG IN ANY MOVIE EVER. Like damn! That would be an accomplishment if it wasn't so terrible. And I'm not exaggerating; I'm completely immune to It's A Small World, but THIS? This garbage sticks to me like glue. (and if you decided to skip the song you now have It's A Small World in your head so either way you have to SUFFER WITH ME)

Ahem. Moving on.

The Three Stooges here finally make it to Atlantica, just barely missing Ariel, Triton, and Flounder going the other way. Flounder, in the past twelve years, has had about five annoying kids and developed a dad belly. It's not really relevant to anything but it's just hilarious to me that even fish can have dad bellies. But there's only a half hour of this turd left, so let's keep chugging along.

On their way into the palace they bump into a piece of-- what? Fish jailbait? Jail fish bait? Eh, whatever. THEY BUMP INTO THIS KID:

Yes, as a matter of fact it was. Even though Atlantica is clearly in tropical waters. Starfish, sea urchins, and crabs all live in tropical waters, whereas penguins live in colder climates. This geography is seriously messed up. I don't think anyone on the creative team even bothered to so much as glance at a map while making this -- which would also explain the terrible ice map, I suppose.

Melody swipes the trident and heads back to Morgana's lair. Cloak and Dagger, the two manta ray minions (I know, subtle), follow behind, and Ariel catches sight of them. She and Flounder in turn follow them, discovering the witch's hiding place in the arctic. Personally my first thought was "So, we've looked everywhere actually means except there because it's cold as balls and nobody wanted to?" but Ariel's a bit more focused than I was by this point.

Ariel tries to send Flounder back, to let Triton know where they are, but Flounder, being an idiot, says he won't let her go in there alone. DUDE. GO GET HELP. Who does, in fact, go to get help? Why Scuttle, of course!

And it's all your fault, bro.

Ariel rushes in in the nick of time to stop Melody from handing over the trident, but naturally the two of them get into the argument that puts the final nail in coffin. Melody actually says "You knew how much I loved the sea!" but I'd like to refer you back to the facts. Melody and Ariel never had an honest and open conversation about, well, anything. The closest evidence we have to support this statement is that Melody thought Atlantica was just an old fish tale, which means at some point Ariel told her stories about it and the mermaids. Otherwise there's just genetics: your mother's a mermaid so you must love the sea too. That's an awfully big leap. And there's the fact that Sebastian never told Ariel about Melody's adventures outside the wall. She had zero idea about any of it. So how could she have possibly known how much Melody loved the ocean, outside of sheer guesswork?

Oh, but "you know our daughter." Well if you SAY it it MUST be true!

By the by, Melody's little realization here of "I have made a horrible mistake" when she gives Morgana the trident is just priceless.

De-licious.

Finally we've reached the big battle. Morgana builds herself a big fuck-off tower of ice, and we're ready for action.

Scuttle, in a rare moment of non-stupidity, comes soaring in, tailed by Prince Eric's ship. Before blasting it to pieces Morgana asks, "Come to join the party?" and I have to agree; where the hell have you been for the last 40 minutes, anyway, Eric? ALSO

And I present you the only funny line in the movie:

...If it feels like I'm rushing through this it's only because I am.

After getting the trident, Morgana had sealed Melody and Flounder into an ice cavern. Unfortunately for her, Melody's two days are now up, and she turns back into a human in a chamber full of water. Tip and Dash rush in to save her, and come face-to-face with a full-sized Undertow. Through a not-at-all suspenseful sequence of the shark chasing them around, they manage to trick him into ramming the ice wall trapping Melody and Flounder, and get her back up to the surface. Where she just. wakes up. No coughing water or dizziness or trouble breathing. NOPE. Her eyes open as soon as she hits air and she's good to go.

Disney: showing the lighter side of almost drowning.

As Morgana fulfills her power fantasy of getting everyone to bow down to her and shrieking "WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW, MA" (yeah I'm pretty sure it's still Ursula), Melody scales the ice tower in an attempt to retrieve the trident. If nothing else, this movie shows a very inaccurate portrayal of trying to walk on ice. Unsurprisingly, Melody succeeds and tosses the trident back to Triton, who seals Morgana in a block of ice to rest forever at the bottom of the sea.

So Ursula was literally stabbed through the chest with an entire boat and died but Morgana gets punked out in a block of ice? Weak.

The family reconciles, Melody takes the whole "grandfather" thing a little too well, and the movie ends with them tearing down the wall so the humans and merpeople can interact freely from now on.

I only have two questions before I finally shut up about this stupid stupid movie:

1. So does the whole kingdom just sort of take it in stride that a) merpeople exist and b) the prince married one? 2. How can a movie that's only an hour and ten minutes long sans credits feel SO MUCH LONGER

This whole thing was ridiculous from the jump. Who was demanding a sequel to the Little Mermaid of all freaking things? Who really wanted to see sequels to any of the movies from the Disney Renaissance? And there are quite a few of them. Like I said, some of them can be pretty enjoyable if you like cheesiness. But most of them are just terrible like this one, and if you're wondering whether you'll be seeing more of the Dark Age of Disney, don't worry. Their days will come.