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really need to find more holistic ways to manage my stress. i'm starting to freeze and get to the point of exhaustion where i don't want to communicate anything complex or difficult because i feel like a broken record. and so, so angry.
#i do not like who i am rn.#and that's making it really hard to be a good friend a good anything ........#because the desire to just tear into myself is very real and palpable and it's what my mom would do rn if she were here anyway !!#asking myself stupid ass questions like. 'if mom were here what would she say to do or be doing'#and if i'm being honest / truthful. probably less than what i'm doing#but without all the guilt and shame#god fucking dammit. i know i need to get back into therapy but like. lol#what is that gonna do for my immediate problems#txt#sincerely sorry for all the ways i'm lacking
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missa, after his self resentment and lamenting about how he doesn’t feel worthy or like he should be accepted, after telling himself and the capybaras that he doesn’t have a home, not really - after all is said and done, he returns to phil & missa, leaving his mini mi in the house on the wall. as if he’d consider anywhere other than the house he shared with phil safe enough. seeking out safety and home brought him right back where he started.
something about how despite his internal conflicts and issues about what he thinks he deserves, he’ll still come back. and for all he worries that he is not enough to be loved in return, his name is still on the warp stone.
#he’s got issues out the ass of his self worth and it’s like. yeah shit man you haven’t been reliable but you’re not unloveable#he wants to be better and he tries and he cares the issue is he holds the rest of his family on such a pedestal#this shame and guilt bubbles up and is only made worse when he isn’t rejected or hated like he’s expecting. he’s taken back with open arms#so he follows phil for guidance as to what’s acceptable. without phil there how can he know if it’s ok for him to stay in their home?#as if he didn’t also build their home yknow#but even when all is said and done he returns. even if it makes him feel guilty even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it#because as much as he doesn’t want to be a bother he wants to be better most of all. wants to be present#I just don’t think he ever expects to be wanted to keep around. like he wants to prove himself and he’s expecting his loved ones to reject#any sort of redemption. meanwhile they don’t see the need for a redemption in the first place#shaking missa you wet cat of a man you dense self sabatoging silly silly man#stop your hero worship. own up and show up. and let your family love you because my god you are so loved#sorry tags got away from me it’s like 5 am and I’m like ahfhhrhfhshfhhs#mcyt#qsmp#q!missa#missasinfonia#z speaks
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just saw bones and all (2022) and idk if it’s just the hannibal nbc effect but something about love between two cannibals is so poetic to me
#it’s about always feeling hungry & it’s a metaphor for the search for true connection that can only be found in your own wretched reflection#it’s about feeling rejected by the world and misunderstood and without a place to call home before meeting them#because they see what you are in your raw and brutal entirety but they’re not afraid. they understand you and in a way they are you#it’s about love either ending in mutual destruction borne of guilt and shame or in acceptance of one another and by extent of yourself#and it’s bloody and messy and shameful but it’s real and passionate and intense and it’s acceptance and being seen and finally belonging#god i fucking love cannibalism in the media#hannibal#hannibal nbc#bones and all#bea buzzes about movies
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To cleanse the timeline I’m sharing a few pics of me radiating joy during my birthday trip bc really truly despite everything it was the most incredible trip of my life
#just could have done without all the you know#guilting and shaming and eye rolling and belittling etc etc etc#I’ll be done looking at the videos soon and shut up about it#but for now I must be dramatic
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In all my years, I've never seen a movie use non-christian pre-colonial religious imagery as a force of good against evil.
And the fact that in Wendall & Wild - a movie that takes place in a Catholic school, this type of imagery is portrayed as SO much more beautiful and powerful than the drab dreary Catholic imagery of the film... it was fuckin' rad as hell.
#wendall and wild#original#raul wendell and wild#precious perfect boy#anytime a demon shows up in a movie it's always get a priest get holy water get some crosses!#and never hey guys what makes us think that the Catholic Church as an institution is prepared to fight evil???#like here comes a christian demon whose to say an#*who's to say (for a separate example) that a Buddhist monk wouldn't be BETTER than a priest??#a christian demon thrives on the same guilt and shame that thr church thrives on. god has no power without the devil#for his love is meaningless without the threat of hell#so why not get a fuckin better religion in the mix???#tired of all these movies just deciding that Christianity is right. that is so fucking bleak. if Christianity's right then we're all fucked#Christianity#Catholicism#are there catholics on tumblr? and if so. check out wendall and wild it is really good.#in case it doesn't show i obviously was raised catholic and went to catholic school. i also remember everything being vaguely puke colored#but maybe that's just my feelings coloring my memories lol#loooooootta little statues of a horrifically tortured white corpse around tho. and some big ones!#crucifixes are weird. also i thought jesus was white until like... my teen years
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thinking about how we fear being treated the worst ways we've treated others; thinking about reid being terrified of being sick & committed like his mum; thinking about 'admitting his mother' being the sin his brain gave him to confess to in 'revelations'
#for the record i think he probably did the right thing#& idk if the timing works but i hc gideon talked him into doing it even if he had wanted to before meeting gideon but hadn't#dr spencer reid#my post#diana reid#guilt is such a weird thing it gets so huge & expansive the longer we go without talking about it out loud#which feels impossible because it's so shameful - vicious circle#<- bro (me) has been told he has ocd by a few therapists#the stories we tell ourselves about our lives wow he rly thinks he's an awful son on some level#don't we all skskdl genuinely tho i feel like thinking u're bad offspring is a most-people feeling
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I don’t know if I’m just imagining things but I feel like Olli and Aleksi are actually so close 🥺 for example I feel like they post so many pics together and I know they post with others too and it’s not a big deal but e.g. Olli has posted 5 pics with someone else this year and 3 of them are with Aleksi.. so it must mean something right?? 🥺 and I feel like they spend a lot of time together yk even ”outside the band” when they’re having a day off and they still do music (the remix) etc. together 😭
Yeah I mean I for one am so deep in the Olli/Allu delulu land that it's VERY easy for me to agree and confirm all of this 😭 they're boyfriends secret lovers special friends and it shows 🥺
Here are all the pictures of the two of them I could find on Olli's IG, for reference 💞
+ the group picture Olli posted when Aleksi first joined the band, with the caption 'so now there's six of us' 🥺
#i left out the one where he's pushing aleksi's and niko's heads in the water 😳#and one from balboa bts with tommi in the background#ngl the anon ask i got yesterday has given me MASSIVE headworms of 2 young guys having thought they had their life all figured out already#and then one day they realise they've fallen for their friend and bandmate 😭#friends to lovers but with troubles in between my most beloved trope in the world 💞💖💗💓💕💖💞#with truckloads of (mutual) pining and just general confusion about what they should do about their stupid (mutual) feelings#(i'd love to read/write something of this sort but i'm too anxious about everyone being all#'boohoo they'd never cheat also you're disrespecting their gfs'#like............first of all it's fiction second of all IT'S FUCKING FICTION third of all i ain't gonna tell 'em lol#obviously i wouldn’t include their actual gfs and OBVIOUSLY i wouldn’t show the fic to anyone who's in it??#i just don't understand how someone could be offended about something they don't know about lol#and OBBVVVIOUSSSLLYYYY i wouldn’t write either of the guys as somehow happy or confident about cheating like come on#there'd be SO MUCH guilt and shame and angst and they’d still love their gfs so much#but then there's also this guy who's their friend and whose stinky socks made them barf once on the tourbus#and who means the world to them. they didn’t mean for it to happen. it just did 😭#anyway sorry for rambling i swear i don't mean to make everything about my silly fic ideas#i just can't help myself and i need a way to let it all out somehow without bothering anyone in particular 😭😭😭)#ollixallu#anon asks#answered asks
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lmao are All members of big time rush terrible people irl
#I was searching something up about the show and the search suggestions were all their names and ''trump'' or ''Israel''#and I immediately thought well. that's not good#but then I actually clicked on it and it was so much worse than I expected lmaaao#like I'm not even upset or surprised cause... rich men will be rich men unfortunately#I'm just... sighing about it#I miss the times where it was harder to broadcast all your prejudices to the world#and nostalgia could exist without guilt#because everyone and their mother are terrible people now and it's just so easy to put that shit on instagram and ruin childhoods#like my god just let me pirate this nickelodeon show in PEACE#I'm glad I didn't pay for another month of paramount to watch it. we're soap2daying this one thankfully#and I also watched zoey 101 on the freetrial cause. u know. dan schneider#I'm sure the money still goes to them somehow through free trials but it made me feel less worse :)#but anyways it's just so easy for child stars to either be terrible people#or be publicly having mental breakdowns on twitter (cof cof alexa)#and it always puts such a sour taste in my mouth about revisiting these shows eventually like#I miss the times celebrities hid the fact they were shitty people instead of wearing it like badge of pride. that's it#not upset cause fuck that but just frustrated with how public everything is nowadays. people have no shame anymore#bring back shame#rambles*
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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i just remembered how my mom used to say its actually her religious right to treat her children however she wants and if we retaliate we would be completely at fault bc the parent should ALWAYS be treated with utmost respect
#she would say how the child has to respect their parents and bring them to church if they were to become a christian#as an example#how abusive#to tell children they should accept all behaviors towards them and never say anything or fight back#of course i argued with her but i internalized that#i still blame myself too much and am not as nice as i want to be towards myself for even the most minor things#bc she did that to me my whole life#belittled for everything at least and beat for it at worst#now it takes a lot of tries to not shame myself when something is comlpetely out of my control#bc according to her everything is my fault#if she spills water its my fault for distracting her#if she hits me for something my dad did then its his fault that she Had to beat me#no bro u decided to hit me thats YOUR choice#i hate them both so much for what they did to me#how they instilled guilt in me for trying to have boundaries and fighting for myself#i still am a people pleaser bc of that#its a raw very raw fear that if i displease someone they will hurt me#i have to remind myself over and over that someone being upset at my boundaries is not a reason for me to not have that boundary#if ur mad thats ur problem stay away from me then#i just will care too much about upsetting other people but its not my job to regulate everyone elses feelings#it makes me so mad#when theres something i need and am not getting and its bc im so scared of making people mad#even if they cant put their hands on me now#im sick of the paranoia and constant anxiety they have put in me#cant go outside without being scared they will pop up out of nowhere and try to ruin my life again#ivebeen living by myself for two years now and still so scared to even open my curtains sometimes#🧃#its disgusting to me how they think they own me#how they STILL think that any negative action i take towards them must be inspired by someone or something else#it could never be bc of their own abuse towards me
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ah yes. john borderline. the inventor of borderline personality disorder. and bill majordepressive. the founder of major depressive disorder. oh yes and of course, ronald generalanxietous. the innovative mind behind general anxiety disorder. fuck you
#i want to never feel guilt and shame#literally my default emotion#the mother fuckers who wrote inside out really missed by not making a 'remorse' blorbo#that bitch might as well just make intense sweaty love to the panel#because i have never not felt guilty#it is EXHAUSTING#i can't even imagine living without blaming myself for every tiny wrong that happens#it makes me beyond sick#i hate every bit of myself#i want to cremate myself#and none of it matters#it's just the stupid disorder lol#so who the fuck cares#borderline is poisonous#i don't have time or money for dbt#i might as well just rot#that's all i do anyway#is just rot#that's why i'm so disgusting and unbearable to be around and to talk to#bpd#mdd#gad
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when I think about how many nice valuable items I have misplaced over the years it really makes me want to kill myself unironically
#i camt express how much shame and guilt and self hatred i feel#like it sounds ridiculous but i hate myself for many reasons one of which being that i cant hold on to anything nice and i cant keep#track of anything at all#even though im like 99% my grandmothers diamond and gold heart necklace (which my dad bought her for her birthday in the 80s)#was stolen from my dorm room bc my shit ass roommate brought people into the room regularly without asking me while i wasnt there#i still have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. like i know i probably didn't leave it somewhere. bc why would i take off a necklac#in public like yeah ill take off a ring or bracelet to wash my hands but why the hell would i take off a necklace#so likei know it PROBABLY wasnt my fault. but i will never know and that hurts so much#mia.txt#this is all spurred by the fact that i cant find the bracelet my dad gave me shortly before he died. because im a worthless waste of oxygen#lmfaooo#anyway. its the adhd tax but like. with meaningful items
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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desire to roleplay authentically when my character has traits that can come across as difficult or frustrating vs irl intense fear and terror of ever being difficult or frustrating FIGHT
#it's not... necessarily a bad thing I guess but#I did roleplay felix explaining himself in a situation where he SHOULD completely unambiguously have shut down so hard he had to leave#right in the middle of fear and guilt and shame over a combat where bad luck and abysmal roles hit his convictions that he's only a burden#'hey are we all committed to being a party or would some of us rather leave? felix?'#oh getting SINGLED OUT DIRECTLY to ANSWER for what he's perceiving in himself as SHORTCOMINGS and BAD BEHAVIOR?#oh! no! he shouldn't have been literally physically capable of responding! this is THE nightmare scenario! he should have LEFT. the BUILDING#but AUGH AUGH AUGH SCARY SCARY SCARY#and he would have taken the space to calm down and figure out what he wanted to do or say and come back before the session was over#and give some indication that Yes he's here he's in it as much as anyone#BUT [SHAKING MYSELF] HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO PLAY A CHARACTER WHO HATES EXPLAINING HIMSELF--#WHEN YOU HAVE OVERWHELMING DESPERATION TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF DISEASE!!!!#I mean at least I can talk about all of this after the session with justin which sets me/ us up better for next time#if he has a meta awareness that getting pressed like this might push felix out of the entire building--#then *I* know that *he* knows that and can maybe feel like I can actually do it without fearing the optics#it will work out! he'll come around! he's a good good boy he just doesn't know how to handle social situations constructively#THE UPSIDE IS that doing a little of 'clarifying why I keep distancing myself' led to support and validation he never expected#it just feels... too early lol#annoying. this was textbook The Thing That Overwhelms Him The Worst and I still whiffed it because of player cowardice#aaauuughh#about me#my OCs#felix
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for all his misery and mopey nature i do think he likes and prefers being roadhog and wouldnt go back for anything. i think "feeling like mako" means feeling small and ashamed and weak in his mind and he hates it.
#i think one of the biggest reasons he gets genuinely mad at fish is when they do something#they look at him in that way or they say something or they just. be pathetic and sick. in a way that makes that little guilt and shame gnaw#at his heart again. that shitty feeling when you know you hurt somebody you care about. or when they look at him like theyre disgusted or#disappointed by what they see. i think it pisses him off to no end that they can make him feel so small and i think its one of the things#that makes him genuinely think that maybe he should just kill them and be done with it. its not like itd be hard#🐟#like. part of them learning how to exist around each other long term is that he has to break that thought pattern yk#seeing them be all sickly and instead of pity->guilt->shame->anger it shifts to pity->guilt->'do something about it'#where instead of getting on the whole 'i ruined the life of the only person who ever gave a fuck about me' train he just. tries to be nice#or as nice as he can manage. comforting and affectionate in his very clumsy and uncomfortable way. still not pretending to be a good person#and barely concealing that doing this makes him feel awful. but still like. just doing it anyways and eventually he just does it without#thinking about it. well most of the time i think he still gets stuck fairly often. its a process yk how it is#ftr i think fish resents this. they hate his pity they resent the idea that any of this is His Fault. fish voice i can fuck up on my own#and they especially resent when he is obviously going out of his way to be gentle with them or sweet to them. first of all because they hat#when he treats them like theyre fragile it makes them want to kill him but more importantly because they would really just prefer he be an#awful bastard forever so they can stay mad at him forever. its hard to keep a grudge when he feels bad about it and its hard to be so mad#when hes the only thing that really makes them feel better.
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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