#but wow i've made a lot of art in the last few months actually!! kinda proud of me!! :-)

[emily-e-draws]

long haired link. need I say more

[shuchu]

im not even a kyo stan but like 😳 imagining the trope where childhood friends get seperated for a while and when they reuinte again, person a is shocked at how much person b has changed and now person a is confused and flustered around person b 🥺

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅ different but familiar ₊˚ෆ

character(s): kyo kaneko

note: gn!reader ; fluff ; not proof read!

a/n: oh gosh i haven't written a proper fic in ages... i apologise if this is sloppy ;w; but hey, my first kyo fic o_o despite being a kyomie for a while now lol oops. i actually really enjoyed writing this, it made me feel all soft and warm on the inside hehe. this kinda ended on a cliffhanger, let me know if you guys want a part two!! thank you anon for the idea!! enjoy lovelies ♡

art credit

you were on your way to the coffee shop nearby to get your coffee before heading to work. you take a deep breath of the crisp autumn air as you walk through a carpet of leaves, hearing them crunch beneath your feet. you swing open the door and hear the little jingle of the bell before the delicious smell of freshly baked pastries mixed with the fragrant scent of coffee wafts towards your nose. a faint smile graces your features as you walk towards the counter to order.

"hi what can i get for you today?" the cheerful cashier asks.

"i'll have an oat milk cappuccino with 2 shots of espresso as well as a croissant please." you respond, giving the cashier a friendly smile.

"will that be all?"

"yep! thank you!"

just as you were about to pull out your card to pay, you see someone reach forward to tap their card on the machine. you turn to your left to see who it was. a guy with light blue hair smiles at you and says, "my treat."

as you walked over to the collection counter with him, you were trying to figure out why this guy looked so familiar. did you know him?

and then it hit you...your eyes widened as you looked at him

"kyo?"

he turned towards you with a soft chuckle, "took you long enough."

"oh my gosh...i haven't seen you in..." your voice falters as you try to recall the number of years

"thirteen years." he says as he looks at you with a small smile

"oh wow...it's been that long huh? how've you been? i hope mr. and mrs. kaneko have been well."

"oh yeah i've been busy, got a job that literally takes up all of my time. my parents are doing good though, thank you for asking about them."

"so...what brings you back to our quaint little town?"

"well...my mom and dad wanted to meet some old friends and catch up with them. i've been working tirelessly for months without a break so i decided..."

kyo's voice drifts off, melting together with the background ambiance of the coffee shop as you stare shamelessly at him, noticing the changes in his appearance since you last saw him.

oh wow, when did he get his ear pierced? his face changed a lot...it's a lot more defined now. also, he shot up so much what the heck?! i was taller than him when we were kids...that's so unfair, why do guys get so much taller after puberty...wait, was he always this handsome...?

"hey...hey y/n...are you done checking me out?" kyo's voice gets clearer again as you snap out of your thoughts. you feel your cheeks heat up after getting caught staring at him and because of the close proximity between the both of you. he leaned in to get your attention and now both of your faces were just a few inches apart.

you avert your gaze to compose yourself and mumble, "i wasn't checking you out..."

he leans back and chuckles, "uh huh...so tell me what i said then." he teases, a smirk evident on his face.

you stay silent because obviously you didn't hear what he said, he chuckles and flicks your forehead gently, "you haven't changed a bit, always spacing out."

you move your hand to rub the spot he flicked with a pout, "quit it, you're still as annoying as you were back then." you giggle after and he laughs too. it felt nice to joke around with him again. your heart swells with happiness, you've missed him — more than you thought you did.

the barista calls out your name and you go to grab your order.

"i'm assuming you're headed off to work now, where do you work by the way?"

"oh it's just 3 blocks down, that massive office building?"

"oh yeah, i know which one you're talking about. what time do you get off work?"

"6pm."

"oh perfect, i'll see you then. we need to have a proper catchup. dinner's on me too." he says with a boyish grin.

"no that's okay, i can-"

"nuh uh uh, no can do. um...i'm sure you have to start walking, it's almost 9am. you don't wanna be late to work do you?" he says as he places his hands on your shoulders and swivels you around to face the direction of your office.

you click your tongue and start walking, turning your head back to respond to him, "we'll see mr kaneko. i'll have my card ready this time."

"byeee! good luck at work! i'll see you at 6!" he calls out as he waves at you

you wave too and turn back around with a sappy smile on your face, your cheeks flushed. well that's something to motivate me to get through work today

[mins-fins]

TO MY FIRST LOVE (K.JH)

SUMMARY . . . a letter to his first love, kum junhyeon, and the memories that follow.

PAIRING . . . kum junhyeon x male!reader

GENRE . . . fluff+angst (deadly combination)

WARNINGS . . . none i'm pretty sure!

WORD COUNT . . . 777 (wow shorter than i expected!)

NOTES . . . here we go with junhyeon!! haha, can't tell if this is supposed to be sad or cute but you can decide that for yourself

dear kum junhyeon,

it's been a while, it has. i like to think that i'm a consistent person, but the last time we talked was almost three months ago, and i just wanna check up on you! i hope your okay, how's the performance art major going? i know your passing with no issue, you've always been insanely talented, i have no doubt that your the star student, especially with how much of a lovable person you are.

i hope you haven't forgotten me, because i haven't forgotten you. i know you've responded to my letters, all of them, but it's been three months, and even though this might make me sound like a clingy bitch, i assume you'd forget me already, because.. i just don't really think i'm memorable. i also just wouldn't be surprised if you forgot me at all, because your busy and having fun, i wish i could be there with you, but the world really just hates my guts.

if your interested, art has been going well. my teachers have told me that my paintings are so good that they could get accepted into an art museum someday, you told me that once, remember? when we were twelve and you saw my painting of that house by the lake, you told me i was gonna become the next 'da vinci', which resulted in me punching you in the shoulder.

i dislike thinking about the fact that we haven't talked for the past few months. i constantly check my phone and frown when i see no notifications from you. did you know, the picture i chose for you is the one from your twelfth birthday, when i put icing on your noise. you always said that photo was embarrassing, but you looked cute, even though you would always vehemently deny that.

it's difficult these days, you know student loans and all, but thinking about you always seems to help me forget about all the horrible stuff going on in my life (you better not call me cringey in the return letter), because.. i don't know, i just like thinking about you for some reason. years ago, i could have never imagined myself saying that, but now, it's kind of hard to go on without you, if you get what i mean.

i could never imagine my life without you years ago..

i hate writing like this, because.. well— i sound stupid when i write about stuff like this. sometimes, i wish i could have convinced my parents to not move me to new york for college, but then again, i am "successful" now, so i guess in the end it all amounted to something. of course, i still have a long way to go, i'm only nineteen, there's still so much for me to do and accomplish, but it's disappointing to think i have done this all without you by my side.

i still have that painting you made me, your a really talented artist, i can't believe you called it "just a small hobby for when i'm bored", when you've made some better paintings than me, and that's saying something. i miss you, like a lot, junhyeon, writing my feelings on paper makes me feel stupid, because expressing myself through writing has always been difficult for me to do, as i've told you before.

i know what we have has always been a little complicated, our feelings are mutual are they not? i'd like to think i'm right in this instance, hopefully, because it would be super embarrassing if i was wrong, but at the same time, how long will it be until we see each other again? how long will it be until i actually get to see you face to face and tell you how i feel all over again?

this is getting kinda depressing, sorry, i just— i really miss you a lot okay? this may come off as desperate and stupid, but honestly, it gets kinda difficult knowing your all the way across the ocean and i could be right there with you if the circumstances were different, but alas, not everything is gonna be in my favor, i realize that now.

anyway, kum junhyeon! it'll be nice to catch up much more personally sometimes, if we ever get the chance to see each other in person once again, which is probably highly unlikely but hey! we all need to have at least a little bit of hope.

of course, make sure to take care of yourself, love, stay hydrated, and get a full eight hours of sleep everyday, i'll talk to you again soon :).

xoxo,♡ y/n

[vergilsama922]

Hope Universe Chronicles: Makoto and Tenko's First Date!

Hello everyone, recently these past few weeks, well actually since last month I've been working on this little story of mine. Really it's because I'm inspired by people like @putaindeplagieur and @pyropsychiccollector who are great writers. Hell, even @makoto-naegi-stud-and-friends is incredible with his smut and he's a fellow brother-in-arms as a Naegi shipper! (Check him out!) But I also wanted to showcase some of the more rare ships or crack ships and try my hardest to sell the romance. Usually I'll just throw a couple of pics and call it a day but eh, some things can't escape my brain XD Please also keep in mind I'm not a writer (even though @pyropsychiccollector insists I should write more XDDD) so I want honest reactions! Also Hope Universe Chronicles are....snapshots of different moments in time of the hope universe. It can range from class 78-A first month to their graduation to weddings to baby showers and even kids going to school. Like my family bonding stuff it's just a...it's like a picture book of a giant family album. Or in this case a story. Maybe a story Tenko tells to her kids, or maybe a story Makoto tells to his kids about when he first fell in love with Tenko. Who knows? Anyway, without further ado enjoy~

Makoto and Tenko arrived at the park for their first date get-together, enjoying the cool breeze and the rustling of the leaves. The sound of birds chirping and the soft sunlight filtering through the trees made it feel like a peaceful sanctuary from the rest of the world. A haven away from the madness and chaos of Hope's Peak with Tenko's eyes lighting up at the sight of the open space. "Wow, this is such a great place for training," she said with excitement.

Makoto chuckled at her enthusiasm, "Well, we're not here to train, we're here to have fun and get to know each other."

Tenko nodded and smiled, "Right, I'm sorry. I'm just really passionate about martial arts."

Makoto smiled back, "No need to apologize. I think it's great that you're so passionate about something."

As they walked through the park, they talked about their interests and hobbies. Tenko shared stories about her experiences training in martial arts preferably how amazing Neo Aikidio is over everything else, while Makoto told her about his love for detective work and solving mysteries.

Tenko's eyes widened with admiration, "Wow, you must be really smart to be into that detective stuff!" Well...It didn't exactly hurt that he's been helping Kyoko, Mikoto, Sachi, Mekuru...wait a minute. Isn't that way too many people? Probably not.

Makoto chuckled, "I'm not sure about that, but I do enjoy solving puzzles and mysteries."

Tenko looked at Makoto with a newfound admiration, "You know, you're really cool. Not just because you're a detective, but because you're a really kind person. I kinda feel terrible for calling you a degenerate when he first met....W-Wait! What am I saying?! All degenerates are bad, you're just the exemption!"

Makoto blushed, "Thanks, Tenko. You're pretty cool too, with your martial arts skills and your ability to read people's emotions even if you have an uh....unique way of doing so." Yeah. Tenko was STRONG. And who ever heard of tossing someone in order to read their emotions??? That was something you'd see out of a shonen manga!

Tenko beamed, "Really? You think so? Sometimes I worry that I come off too strong. I also know you're not comfortable with me calling....the "others" degenerates." Ah. He could visibly see her shiver in disgust when she brought up talking about guys. Still, she HAS been trying to make progress! Seriously! I mean now she only tosses guys after three sentences instead of one!

Makoto reassured her, "No, not at all. I think it's great that you're so passionate about something, and your ability to read people's emotions is really impressive."

Tenko's face lit up with joy and a blush, "Thank you, Makoto. That...means a lot actually." Crap. Makoto could see Tenko's cute side. She was still at the end of the day a normal girl (minus everything else of course).

Makoto noticed Tenko's blush and felt his own cheeks heat up. He cleared his throat and changed the subject, "So, what else do you like to do besides martial arts?"

Tenko's expression shifted to one of contemplation, "Hmm, well, I like to spend time with my friends and mentor, and I also enjoy meditating to clear my mind."

Makoto nodded, "That's really cool. I've always been interested in meditation, but I've never really tried it myself." Mostly because Makoto Naegi's daily life was never peaceful. Never. Whether it was dealing with the more extreme personalities like Junko, Kanade, or Ibuki or hell even just getting constant death stares from every guy in the school, Makoto knew his life was only just going to get more hectic. Meditation was definitely something he would love Tenko to teach him

Tenko smiled, "I can show you sometime if you'd like. It's really helpful for clearing your thoughts and focusing your mind."

Makoto smiled back, "I'd like that, thanks."

They continued walking through the park, enjoying each other's company and the peaceful surroundings. Tenko's eyes sparkled as she saw a group of people practicing martial arts in the distance, "Oh, can we go watch them for a bit?"

Makoto nodded and followed her over to the group. They watched in awe as the martial artists performed various techniques and forms, and Tenko even joined in for a bit, demonstrating some of her Neo Aikido moves. Of course, given that Tenko is well...an Ultimate she clearly was ten, no twenty steps above the rest. It also didn't hurt that Tenko was not only very fluid but incredibly graceful in her movements.

Makoto was impressed, no. Awestruck. She looked so stunning when she was going through her Kata's and showing off her stance and movements to the others. He was seriously falling for her. "Wow, you're really talented! Have you ever considered teaching martial arts?" I mean

Tenko's face lit up with excitement, How did Makoto have this natural ability to pick up on things like that? "Actually, I have! I've always wanted to share my passion with others and help them learn self-defense against dege---uhh....Bad guys! Y-Yeah! That's what I meant!"

Makoto smiled and sweatdropped a bit (She WAS trying at least), "I think that's a great idea. I'm sure you'd be an amazing teacher."

Tenko beamed with pride and gratitude, but more importantly, she was trying her best to hide a blush from the compliment. Why now? Why all of a sudden?! It was just a harmless, simple praise so *WHY* did it make her heart beat so suddenly? Was it the fact that she saw how Makoto looked at her like she was the most perfect thing in existence when she was teaching that random group some of her moves? Was it the fact that he always brought out the good in her and even others? Was it even because out of all the deg...."others" that he truly CARED? No. He genuinely respected her and shared in her passion. She couldn't deny it. She was seriously falling for him.

As they continued walking, Makoto noticed Tenko seemed lost in thought. "Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned. He hoped he didn't say or do anything to mess up this moment together. He knew why Tenko had such disdain towards other guys, hell every guy beside him and there was a part of him that was afraid that he upset her somehow.

Tenko shook her head, "Yeah, everything's fine. I was just thinking about something." Keep it cool. Just don't reveal that you're falling for Makoto. Simple.

Makoto smiled, "Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."

Tenko's heart skipped a beat at his words. She had never felt this way about anyone before. It was like Makoto could read her thoughts and knew exactly what to say to make her feel better. She was falling for him hard and fast. Her master didn't teach her how to navigate the hardest challenge ever. Love.

They walked side by side, enjoying the comfortable silence between each other when Tenko suddenly stumbled over a tree root and lost her balance.

Makoto quickly grabbed her arm to steady her, but in the process, they both lost their footing and fell to the ground in a heap. They both laughed as they dusted themselves off, and that's when Makoto noticed something.

"Tenko, your face is red," he said, concerned. She wasn't hurt was she? Or maybe she was angry? Crap. Did touching her by accident make her super uncomfortable? A thousand scenarios were running through his mind, he didn't want to upset everything with his new friend.

Tenko quickly tried to hide her blush, "I-I'm fine! It's just a little hot out." Honestly, she knew it was flimsy but she at least had to try something. Makoto could be pretty oblivious so she was hoping against all hope that this was one of those moments

Makoto didn't buy it, why NOW of all times did he become super observant?!?! "Are you sure? Your face is really red. Maybe we should sit down for a bit."

Tenko couldn't help but feel flustered. Why was she getting so embarrassed over something so small AGAIN? "No, no, I'm fine, really." Another bad lie and she knew it was just a matter of time. Why did couldn't she just tell him how she feels? Why didn't her master teach her how to navigate this? What if Makoto doesn't love her like he loves the others? Was she too manly? Was she too forceful with her anti-male rhetoric? More importantly, what if he said "No." With a hundred different thoughts turning into a whirlpool of negative energy, Tenko decided to do what she promised to teach Makoto. Meditate. She needed to purge these insecurities and figure out the best course of action! At the end of the day it was no different from sparring right? Learn your opponent's weakness while taking advantage of your strength. These thoughts needed to simply be beaten.

Makoto didn't push the matter any further, but he couldn't help but feel like there was something else going on with Tenko. They continued walking in silence for a few moments which felt like an eternity between the two until Tenko finally spoke up. This....she was gambling everything on this. She finally figured out that the best course of action was to be direct. To go on the offensive!

"Hey Makoto," she said, her voice a little quieter than usual.

Makoto turned to her, "Yeah, what's up?"

Tenko took a deep breath, "I just wanted to say...thank you. For being such a good friend to me."

Makoto smiled, "Of course, Tenko. You're a great person and a great martial artist. It's an honor to be your friend."

Tenko smiled back, but her heart was racing. She knew she couldn't keep her feelings bottled up anymore. She took another deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to say. This was it. The decisive moment. The indescribable situation like when both fighters know someone will win or lose.

"Makoto...I don't just see you as a friend. I-I have feelings for you," she blurted out, her face turning even redder than before.

Makoto's eyes widened in surprise, but then a smile spread across his face. "Tenko, I feel the same way. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you for a while now." Was it when he agreed to help be the manager of her Aikido club with only the two of them as members? Was it when she protected him from a group of bullies due to their jealousy? Or was it that very first day Class 79-A first enrolled and they met eyes that one Tuesday morning after homeroom?

Tenko couldn't believe it. She had been so afraid that Makoto didn't feel the same way, but now he was telling her that he liked her too. And her mind was truly empty. She.....She didn't know what to say or do at this moment. Her confession was accepted yes, but she never prepared for what to do after. They just stared at each other, Warm-Green meeting Hazel. Engulfing each other in the middle of the day in some random park they decided to go to.

But that perfect moment with neither saying anything yet understanding everything was softly coming to its conclusion.

Makoto leaned in and gently kissed her, and Tenko's heart skipped a beat. It was a soft, sweet kiss that made her feel like she was floating on air. She wrapped her arms around Makoto's neck and deepened the kiss, savoring the feeling of being with someone she cared about so deeply. She never in a million years, no a trillion would believe she could fall in love with a guy. But here she was. Tenko initially thought Makoto was nothing more than a creepy playboy who for some reason had tons of girls fawning over him. Of course, she blamed him for that but as the days passed, even she had to admit there was something *DIFFERENT* about him.

And yet....Tenko knew now. It was that day after all. Her first week of being enrolled was when she looked into his eyes on that Tuesday morning after homeroom. That's when she finally understood that she truly liked him.

When they finally pulled away, they both had huge smiles on their faces. They knew that this was just the beginning of something special, something that could be even stronger than their friendship. They both were in love with each other.

They both found hope in each other.

[seahdalune]

Seana's 2023 art highlights

(surprisingly, not a reupload this time!)

January: i drew nothing! we're off to a great start.

February: i drew something! i love Champ even if i haven't drawn anything tf2 related since April. i think it was this piece where i decided to give Champ RED coloring. [link]

also, this is the month i made my second Moldy plush.... i wasn't very happy with this one, though. [link]

March: uhhhh. more of my tf2 ocs but i think those aren't that interesting. just go to my tf2 oc blog @brokenbrainstormbulb if you wanna see them honestly, i have an image limit to keep ffs. that said, this was around the time i got into TC2, so i drew a lot of that kind of stuff... i'm never drawing stuff for it ever again, sorry. [link]

April: look at the cool thing i drew for a fellow tf2 robot fan! now, this is the point in time where i start drawing more because of a certain interest, so look forward to all the art that'll come up here.....

May: wow, this really was my first public piece of Papa Louie art, huh. i was so proud of it when i showed it off on tumblr the first time... i don't like it as much anymore. for one, the office wall color is wrong.... i still can't believe Papa Louie was what got me out of art block, but god, i'm glad it did. i don't think i've drawn this much before, and even though the community's tiny, i'm glad to give back as much as i can. anyways, i said something like "it's so funny that people think they're either super married or divorced as hell" on the same post. i still think that, and it's defos funny as hell, but i've grown a kind of appreciation towards the ship as well. like yeah, you go girls, we love that extra slow burn with so many road bumps on the way! [link]

June: how the hell did i pump this out. this was also like a few days before i had to leave for the airport too... i don't know myself sometimes. i swear i still love Boigashipping! i just... i'm just busy with other ships okkkk [link]

July: i didn't draw anything...? i was in Bali. and i was busy selling adopt designs to draw anything substantial, oopsie! actually, i DID draw the first part of WDB... it's uh, still the only part. i'm sorry!!!! i'm sorry!!!! i swear i have the whole thing outlined!!! can you just give me anons about the story instead so you won't have to wonder what comes next!! [link]

August: TOSI fixation. it had not gone past it's conceptual stage, i must note. i do wish i would do something about it though. [link]

September: the art trade i did with my friend! actually, i was a few weeks late with my part, so it was supposed to be finished by August. oops. i like the textures tbh. my Chuseok drawings.... i need to draw more characters in hanbok, hee hee. [link]

October: (breaths in) ...this is the month i finally gave into the JoGotcha wantings. LOOK. ever since someone put the idea into my brain i couldn't get enough of it, and like,, nobody draws the ship anymore so i had to take matters into my own hands. this is the first ship i'm this obsessed with. i usually leave ship stuff to other people but this time that wasn't enough and i... i had to do SOMETHING, y'know? [link]

Cringetober? who's that? haha;; i stopped feeling like doing the whole list after less than a week. impressive.

November: oh look, Plushy Power League. Quinn didn't win, but i do like the thing i drew as propaganda, so whateves. the first Papa Louie character i ever drew (minus Chuck and Taylor)... did i change how i draw her? uhh. maybe? i'm not too sure. [link]

also look! the keychain drawing... i need to talk about my Gods and Monsters au again at some point. actually, since i last uploaded the image of my keychain, i revised it tons... it's kinda different now, and i defos think it looks better. this is actually the time i finally fixed the stupid display setting thing that was really messing up my coloring! [link 1] [link 2]

December: ...oops! tablet broke. and i got my 3ds back so i just didn't draw that much even after exams were over. didn't stop me from drawing though, and in fact i think i made something pretty neat with my christmas art.... even if it did come one day late. [link]

wow. that's a whole year of stuff... and that's defos a lot! i think i'm really happy with what i drew this year.... i don't know what was in my water the last few years but my art highlights felt really.... miserable? for some reason. i mean, yeah, i didn't do a lot of what i had planned (GOE ANIMATIC IM SORRY) but i can see that i've done just as much with my hands anyways, so like, who cares? plus, i always have next year... that's coming in 3 hours, oh god- so, maybe i won't be too hard on myself for not fulfilling my goals... like, i kinda glossed over it, but i did sell my designs for money, and that's like, really impressive! so many people around me buy and sell their art stuff already, so i guess i didn't really register it as something to be proud of... but doing that shit (making, and marketing) is hard!! so like, it's a wow moment for me!

anyways, i'm tired, i only came back home a few hours ago, and i need to get up again for church in a few hours.... mrphgdjd. lets stop being sentimental, and i'll see you people next year. that's a long way off! hope you don't miss me.

[camillewasthere]

april 28 2024

It's 10pm and I'm about to get high. In a few weeks i'll be 32 years old. What a wild time.

When I got back from the gym today I was looking at baby pictures of Jannika and I. I look at baby version of me and I get kinda sad. I'm looking at a girl with not a clue what's in store. I want to protect the baby version of me from the world. It's sad to realize how things happen. That in order to be a well rounded person, you have to experience all things.

One memory I think about a lot when I was a child was when I got little papers, scissors and random art supplies and put it in a little ziploc. I wanted to hide it for some reason. I don't know who would want to look for a ziploc bag of art supplies. I decided to hide it on top of my uncle/grandma's vanity which was high as fuck. Probably a foot awat from the ceiling. When I tried to hide it, the bag fell. And I never found it again.

I was such a shy child. I always made sure to be mindful. To be aware. I was always watching everyone else. Always conscious of the space I took. Never feeling part of the crowd. Somehow always fake. Just observing. I love baby me. And I think if baby me knew the person I would become, she would be proud. She would want me to be happy and chose the road that brings fulfillment. She would probably think I was pretty. She would probably watch me do my makeup. She would be content with just being there with me.

I have been in my head a lot lately. Constantly strategizing. Thinking about what's next. What move is the right move. It's funny how much it consumes me. But how little I convey on the outside. People only see the product but never realize how long the process took.

Moving up to the bay area has been weighing heavily on my mind. Last time I went to visit I remember how much I liked being there. It felt more home-y to me.

Cons: It's colder Bears on hikes lol Probably more expensive Miss Daniela!

Pros: Better food Paid more Shady hikes Probably find the loml lol New cities to explore Easy way to go north or south to go on trips Less white people lol

Wow putting it out on a list like this actually makes it seem way more desirable. I can't wait to find a place I can furnish. With a washer dryer. No carpet. I'm so excited.

Before I end this I do want to at least talk about how i've been feeling.

It's been almost 6 months since the break up. He's still living here until our lease is over at the end of June. It's a conflicting feeling. Every day that gets closer, the more nervous I get about the plan with the dogs. But when I think about him being gone, all I can feel is excited. It's like I can finally be free of that energy. I can't wait to fix up my space. To be in my thoughts alone at home. So happy I have the dogs to protect me and keep me company. I don't really feel lonely. I know that will likely change once he's actually out of here. But for a long time before we broke up I was already doing so many things alone. It's liberating to be single honestly. I have almost zero desire to be with anyone. I say almost because I continue to be intrigued by the idea of Lori and Bre's friend and I being together. I don't want to imagine this as something more than it is, which is literally nothing lol. But it does seem like a possibility. I have to let my mind leave it at that. Old me would continue to obsess. New me wants to focus on what is good for me. What will make me happy. Because ultimately I want to be able to be so content with myself that anyone who seeks after me will only be an addition. I've settled for soooo long with too many guys that weren't right for me, whether they were good or bad. There's a reason they all didn't work out. Including long lost air force man. I need to allow my brain to understand that concept. The common denominator with all of those relationships is me. My physical self would constantly make deals with my emotional self that would lead to me staying for longer than I should have.

What's wild is, despite all the break up's i've had, I think the one with flannel mustache boy was the worst of the worst. Thinking about that relationship makes me wanna throw up to be honest. He was so handsy and gross. So flashy. Literally i'm barfing right now imagining how others saw us.

Anyway, yeah I'm stoked to be on my own. I love being home alone. Having a space all to myself is gonna be such a nice little vacation.

xx me

[dzpenumbra]

5/8/23

Not the most eventful day, to be honest. I slept decently well. I think I got woken up once or twice by neighbors but got back to sleep okay. Oddly enough, ever since I ditched the earplugs I've been sleeping better. Maybe they were messing with me, idk. So much for trying to like... take preventative measures to practice sleep hygiene. The whole point of doing the earplugs was to get better sleep. I expected this massive night-and-day difference because I was finally getting undisturbed sleep, but naw... it somehow made it worse.

It's been a pretty cool week to be an insomniac, the moonset and sunrise have been syncing up, so I get to look out the window from bed and see the pale blue of morning start to soak the sky as the moon grows larger and yellow on its way down. Very picturesque, very memorable.

So yeah, again... not too much today. I had some dreams about my ex last night. Not my most recent ex (who I broke up with in 2018...), thank god... those dreams are rarely good... But my ex from college, actually. --- There's a duck quacking outside my window... at this hour, that's... not often a good sign... best of luck, buddy. --- After studying my dreams this long, I've started learning a lot of how my subconscious expresses itself symbolically. Despite the brevity of the relationship (that one was only about 8 months) and how... kinda horribly it ended... that relationship usually represents... idealism in a relationship, to me. At a subconscious level, at least. Because the experience of that relationship, for me at the time, was pure idealism. It was "I am so insanely lucky and blessed to have this opportunity". So, despite the blindness that came with that at the time... that's typically what she represents when she pops up in a dream. The focus of an ideal relationship or an ideal partner, even though the girl herself wasn't that in real life at all.

I wish I thought to record the dream, I've started to notice that I don't often journal the "normal" ones or the "good" ones as often as the "surreal" and "bad" ones. But, from my almost empty recollection, it was mostly just like... normal relationship stuff. Going and doing stuff in the world, buying things for the apartment, stuff like that. I remember it feeling very... normal. And that inspired me to hop on the dating app the second I woke up. And I went through everyone available, swiped a few that looked like we might mesh well, and... nothing came of it. As usual. 3 years of this, you think I'd learn by now not to get my hopes up with that.

I'm sure that was on my mind because I was watching a stream last night where the streamer was playing an FMV dating game, and one of the dates in the game was... a bit too close to my current identity. I mean, if you subtracted the kombucha, the veganism, the parents in political office, and the activism... and swapped genders... it wasn't far off from me. And there's one line from it that hit me pretty hard. This chick ran her own business making customized clothing and crafts and stuff, and the guy - on the first date - asked "wow, are you really making enough to do that full-time?" And that just... it's still stuck with me. That's a big insecurity and I have gotten a shit ton of judgment from former "friends" for it. I still don't like telling people what I do for work because of it. What helped me ground myself? The fact that the guy scoffing and rolling his eyes at a practical business like that... plays video games for a living on Twitch.

You can fucking scoff at any job, honestly. You really can, if you really try hard enough. "You answer phones for a living? That doesn't sound hard." "You pick up peoples' garbage? Why don't you just get a better job?" But creatives get shit on the hardest. Because people who have spent fuck-all time actually applying themselves to performative or expressive crafts, who wouldn't set foot on stage or put their art on a wall in front of an audience if you had a loaded gun to their head, just kinda feel like that person is "cheating at life" or something. It's like... if you love what you do, suddenly that means it's not hard... or demanding... or you don't deserve to be compensated for your labor or something. It's mind-blowing. I honestly don't get it. Starting your own cottage industry shop and pursuing your lifelong passion is like... the epitome of the American dream, isn't it? The whole "Land of Opportunity" thing? And yet... these people don't see your career as legitimate unless you're working... for someone else. Unless you're on someone else's payroll. It's very odd. Maybe that's just what they see as the definition of success, maybe they can't even process a freelance or business owner kind of thing. Idk. I've just had my head poisoned by that shit for well over a decade and a half and it sabotaged my future many times, and now I'm looking down the barrel of 37... and I'm just...

Okay, my thoughts are going too fast to keep up with so let me connect a bit here. I drew another ink drawing today - a big chunk of one, at least. I drew until my thumb ached to the bone, until I could feel the tendons in my forearm tight as guitar strings and straining, rubbing against the skin from underneath. I drew for close to 4 hours straight with a pee break and a break to get a banana and come right back. When I'm in the zone, I work until I can't anymore. And then I do more. I don't need money to motivate me to do it. I don't need fame or fortune or sex or drugs. I do it because it's what I'm here to do. And I have dedicated my life to putting as much of my life into that purpose as I possibly can. So... when I have people near me... who are supposed to be in a supportive position... instead of like... helping me connect with others who appreciate what I do, who benefit from my work, who see its importance, who value and support my work and its continued creation.... Instead, these people.. for years... convinced me that my time and efforts, were better suited laboring for someone else. At very least, the majority of my time and labor should be dedicated to someone else. And it really doesn't matter who benefits from it, or what I'm doing. Just literally anything else than what I do. Great support, yeah?

So... yeah, I'm still reeling a bit. That's a raw nerve for me. I took the leap of faith to finally embrace the title of artist again like... 4 years ago? And I'm still plunging. It's scary as shit to dedicate yourself fully to something that people actively tell you will not succeed. That takes a lot of faith. But for me... I mean... What the fuck else am I going to do?! It's what I'm wired to do! It's how I'm wired to function. I swear, I just need someone who knows like... social shit. Networking, gallery connections (?), community connections, shit like that. I'm just no good at that shit. I came from a family that considered their clients their "friends" and their idea of going out and socializing was going out to the same restaurant and ordering the same food and small-talking with the waitress for like 5 minutes while ordering food, while me and my brothers just sat there awkwardly... We barely even went on vacations and shit. I can do social shit, but it takes a lot of oomph and I really have to be in the right headspace. But good fucking lord, it would be so much easier if I had someone in my life who was willing to do that for me, who it actually did come naturally to - or at least... with me.

Ugh, I didn't want to get into that tonight. I did a good job of keeping the stitches in that wound last night, I guess it worked its way out now. My family and "friends" did a fucking number on me with that one. And yeah, I guess slaving away on this drawing for... nothing... nothing more than just another doodle in a notebook... It makes me feel really unvalued. And really unappreciated. And that hurts so bad, because I love doing this work so much, and I really feel like it is worth something. Like the decade and a half I've put into this work is worth supporting. Like this life is one that others can benefit from. But no one really seems to want to. They'd rather go to a "professional", or someone with 2k 5-star ratings, or buy something a computer made, or get an AI to make a cheap imitation for them.

Aaaaaand I'm cutting off this existential crisis right here. A big part of this is the void created when I finish a project. That void being filled with my only work today being a sketch, which... was actually really cool... but just... doesn't feel like it's going to help me get my rent paid. And that, combined with the thousands of chat reactions to a character from the stream last night, it just... it's tinder and a spark. But it's gonna take more than that to stop me. Sorry.

I don't know if I have any good vibes to end this with, honestly, though I could really use them right now. ... I'm overdue for a trip out into the world, honestly. I should go for a walk. Or, better yet, go take my electric board and go skating or something. Wow, I just have a ton of really anxious thoughts swirling around in my head right now... Like "I just don't want to go alone", and "I don't feel safe", shit like that. Over going skating on a sunny Monday. Welcome to trauma and severe anxiety, and depression. Yay.

Okay, well here's something, fuck it. I applied for the new RP server. I'm going to get declined, I guarantee it. Not dooming, I say that because people who have been RPing for years and have a video resume to back it up and paid to have their applications reviewed first? They are getting declined. So... I'm most likely not getting in. But I applied. And I barely felt anxious doing so, so that's a good step. And I didn't feel anxious on the dating app either, which is also good. So, there's some good vibes there. It's frustrating how quickly I can spiral with this shit, and how little it takes to tear apart the seams, but... I'm handling it much better than I used to. The thoughts swirl and poke through, but they don't overwhelm as much, it's not as visceral and emotional, it's just like... loud and overwhelming. But I can put it aside a bit better than I used to, and that's great progress.

[maggyoutthere]

Quick listing of other stuff I used to work on and that I NEED to get back to working on otherwise I'll be drawing sth stuff only until the year ends

Think you saw someone else post these on Amino? Well yeah that was me. I was in the IZ and AHIT Aminos for a while but ended up not lasting long there XD

(This will be a longer post than what I usually do but it will have some art and au concepts for multiple fandoms so eh take a shot if u want

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👏DRAW👏MORE👏HOLLOW KNIGHT👏STUFF

I really wanna draw more Hollow Knight stuff. I absolutely fell in love with literally everything about the game. The art style is so gloomy but enchanting at the same time, the soundtrack is just phenomenal, fluid animations and a intricate story.

I've only drawn sealed vessel yet because they are my daddy issues and trauma and I get to project them onto what character I want and I legit just like his design a lot.

Invader Zim au I never properly fleshed out ❤💙💛

I remember having this IZ au where for shit's and giggles but also aesthetic reasons, our normal Dib, Pilot!Dib and Zib were triplets while still having Gaz as a younger sister. Again it was more for the aesthetic of it than anything else XD I did have a plan to said au but I left it back on the IZ Amino and I'd have to download the app just to go get it hhhhhh-

I did make some art for it. It's a bit old by now but it still holds up a bit XD

Another au I have for A Hat In Time but ehh? 💜💙💛

I've been kinda falling out of the AHIT fandom. I think the whole reason I was there was a 5 month hyperfixation on Snatcher XD still I was on that Amino as well and made an au as well. I always go for aus whenever I enter a fandom; I'm not comfortable enough to make an oc yet so I start of by doing that first.

The au was about how after Hat Kid finishes the level in Vanessa's Manor, the queen actually chases after her all the way back to Subcon Forest. Snatcher tries to fight off Vanessa, but she actually proves to be much stronger than him. In a moment of panic and desperation that he can't simply get her out of there, guy's sass completely falls apart and he just angrily vents out at her. However, this time, Vanessa actually listens to him. It's been so long since she had last seen her prince, might as well try.

They somewhat patch things up, reuniting the kingdom under the condition that Snatcher will be the one in control now and Vanessa will just stand on the sidelines. She agrees cuz she's just happy to have her prince back. The au kicked off with this premise, a few years after Hat Kid leaves the planet when she mysteriously crashes right back on Subcon Forest.

This one actually had like two small stories to it I had fully written, which is unusual because I don't usually write that much. I might finish it just for the heck of it but that'll be it.

Ocs & Other fandoms cuz wow🤍🖤

I would just love to have the chance to develop ocs here, but tumblr is a little bitch to original stuff. The "algorithm" because idfk what else to call it favors fanart above anything else, so getting other stuff out there is kinda hard. Maybe I'll start doing that as well just hhh remember that not a lot of people might see it XD

I'm also missing out on a bunch of other fandoms I don't really pay much attention to anymore XD I'm a casual fan of a lot of stuff, so eh expect some random things here once in a while

JUST WRITE SOMETHING DAMMIT

Hi again I do really really love writing. Reignited that passion a while ago when I started to rp again (thanks @cyro-starfire XD) so I wanna get back to actually writing stuff. Problem is: idk what to write about. I did pick up a book my mom told me I might like so I'm trying to do that now-

Idk this is a vague one but it's just to remind myself that yeah I mainly draw but I also like to do other stuff XD

Get back to FNAF and BATIM cuz new games are coming out this year 💜🖤

I cannot STRESS enough how much of a BATIM fan I was back in the day XD I left the Amino due to some drama but I'm still planning on returning if the new game catches my attention. Also keeping an eye out for FNAF cuz I'll definitely come back to that due to the game and movie that are in the works.

I'm not exactly planning to return to the Amino itself but just start posting about said games. I don't really like that place anymore -0-'

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Oof I think that was it. Tagging this will be a pain in the ass XD