#but you haven't seen my man *in lana del rey voice*

[visionsofmagic]

day 22: simon ghost riley [sex pollen]

࿓ synopsis • after the mission is done, waiting for trucks, you realize something is wrong with your body but ghost there to help.

―❦ nsfw, roughness, jealousy, fingering, clothes full on/off, dom!ghost, possessiveness, claiming, mentions of exhibitionism (I guess), licking, cum eating, pet names, nearly fainting, crush, f!reader, brat!reader, praising, poison/venom, flower & more in the work! • 3.9k • the longest one for the kinktober, but, who is surprised? I am on my knees for this man, so, hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed whilre writing! here’s our lieutenant, have fun & enjoy! [kinktober m.]

“copy,” ghost said, using the device on his chest as he talked with soap on the other side of the call, making a plan about waiting where you are for a while – inside a small room used as an office for information gathering, while the team secures the building entirely until the trucks come. “y/n and I will wait in here.”

hearing your name from his lips always gives you goosebumps – he has great effects on you, and you believe he knows every one of them because of how he acts around you, however, he’s a duty man, bringing no love or any affection into the field – sadly. you content yourself with the little yet effective affection he gives you though. he’s different around you – even though he will deny it right away.

as he nods to you, then, sitting down on a chair with no arms, he puts his weapon beside it – elbows on his knees, he kneels lower, taking his knife out of his pocket and cleaning it – acting as if he’s alone in the room but you can sense that he studies you.

to act calm down, you travel around the room as possible as you can, the rain washing over the window, giving a sense of coldness. holding the beautiful flower inside your hands, you smell it again because of the addicting scent it has, giving you a feeling of joy, even a highness you cannot acknowledge yet.

finally, putting it onto the table, you grab a book from the shelf, get in front of the table, and sit on it, making ghost stand right beside you as he still uses a cloth to clean his sharp knife.

blowing the dust from the surface of the book on your hands, no glove, the scent of the flower is still on there, you read the title that book has. you chuckle, making ghost look at your face for a moment under the mask, hands never stopping.

turning to him, you show the book, saying, “didn’t know there would be classics on the shelf of the bad guys.”

ghost nods, “it’s just for the display sergeant.”

“it seems so,” you say, shrugging and putting the book down beside you. then, you watch his skull-themed gloves working on the knife, signing because the images – dreams, in other words, come into your mind in which he uses his long and thick fingers to fuck your holes – how would it feel, you ask to yourself, and a deep voice answers it right away, ‘it would feel euphoric’.

when you come to yourself, you look at how his hands stopped, and his eyes directed on your face, studying you.

leaving a nervous chuckle, you hold your thighs tightly to stay still under his piercing gaze. “something wrong sir?”

he gets up slowly, taking your breaths away with each little step he takes. his knife goes into his pocket, and, his gloved hand finds your chin, rising your head up, standing a bit taller than you even though you sit on the damn table. “s-sir?” you try to ask, getting breathless at the proximity you have – it’s not the first one, nor the last, yet, it’s effective as if it is.

“your face –“ he says, furrowing, “it gets redder.”

“huh?” it takes time for you to understand what he’s saying. when it hits you, your eyes widen, thinking that the reason behind being red is him. chuckling, you wave your hand in the air as he leaves your chin, “’s nothing lt, gotta be overwhelming state of the mission we have finished.”

he doesn’t say anything. going back to the chair, his eyes never leave your body as you get up from the table, traveling around the room, and finally stopping in front of the shelf once again. your back is turned to him but you can feel his eyes on you which burns you alive.

palms getting sweaty, hair on the neck getting high, hands trembling, breathing rapidly, nose getting cold, and the whole body except it becomes warmer each passing time – making you weak entirely – it all happens in a moment, before even you know it, your body’s temperature changes from steady to warmer one – only a few places of it remain cold; your nose, the tips of your fingers, and sweats. only simon’s voice is audible as the rest of the world’s noise becomes blurry to hear – to understand. even the rain’s peaceful sound disappears.

it feels far more different than any disease or feeling you have ever felt – taking your logical side away slowly, one by one, it makes you breathe louder, taking the attention of simon to you when you turn to him, hands moving without your mind’s control, scratching your back, neck and even abdomen. “s-simon – “ you say, voice low, haskier than before, using his first name, not the title or nickname.

he stops talking with whomever he talks to through the device, looking at you as your hands find the surface of the table – to become steady, you hold its edge strongly, still looking at his worried eyes.

“is it me or – agh – is it me or the room is getting – uhm, hot?”

simon says he needs to go to soap, as you assume, then rushes to your side – hands find your face after he gets rid of his gloves – skin touching to the skin, you close your eyes and leave a whimper at the feeling of coldness his body has. “ohh – simon –“

“shit –“ he swears, letting your forehead hit his chest, holding you from the back now, he says, “damn, y/n, you’re burning as hell.”

he sounds calm, giving you the power to hold still, and having the strength to hug his arm, “simon – aggh – please, please, simon – help me.”

you have no idea how your mind works in the moment but you’re grateful.

picking you up, he sits you down on the table, holding you by the arms, he makes you look at him, “hey, look at me sergeant. listen here little one, I will go and get the medic team, got it?”

he doesn’t wait for you to answer, ready to leave you and get the others immediately because he cares about you so much that it drives him crazy to see you this weak, so red, breathing rapidly, and can’t focus anything but only him.

however, he can’t go, not when your eyes meet with his, hands finding his chest and holding him dearly – as if he’s the cure you need, and in the end, he will understand that it’s the deal – his your cure.

“don’t leave – simon, need you, only you.”

a certain time passes until he understands what's going on truly after he analyzes all the possibilities and the reason behind your state – the moment the sight of the flower on the table, behind you comes to the vision, he gets it at the exact same moment.

“hey, y/n, look at me kiddo. did you smell that flower?” his patient runs empty – turning your head to it, he asks the question again, and you finally answer by nodding.

he curses under his breath – even his breaths get rapid, how to help you without alerting others is a hard decision to make. he spends his little time thinking about it as he picks up the water bottle from your pack, giving it to you, waiting for you to drink it and get a bit of clearer mind.

“okay, okay,” you whisper to yourself, cleaning your face with the rest of the water, shaking your head, “I get it now – the whole lab, medics, scientists – it’s all because of it, right?”

he nods, calming down to see you good again, not entirely, but enough to understand it all.

“oh, how stupid I am!”

he stops you from going further and blaming yourself – he knows you like cute little things, can’t hold yourself from playing with them, being innocent, and not thinking about the consequences fully. this is why the enemies tried to make venomous yet cute-looking flowers to use against others, to get what they wanted without being caught.

“’s okay, just focus in here, tell me how you feel.”

with wet eyes, you say, “hot – it’s so hot – lt, can I take my clothes off?” you ask suddenly, the logic is long gone, only instincts remain high, and you act according to them. “gotta feel coldness.”

without waiting for an answer, you take your clothes off, not thinking about the outcomes, just doing what you think will be helpful.

staying only with the thin fabric of your upper shirt, covering your body tight, and leaving your abdomen in display, your muscles loosen up. to become colder, with the fact that the temperature lowers as the clothes leave your hot skin, you take your pants off, only leaving the little shorts hanging on your lower part – too occupied to get as naked as possible that you can’t see ghost going and locking the door with the key you used to enter in the first place.

finding himself before you once again, he reliefs when he sees the heat disappearing on you, however, the risk still is there to be fixed before anyone comes into the room, questioning why their lieutenant and sergeant stay silent.

he knows you got the flower with the poison of sex pollen segments – causing the user of it to get a high degree of warmness, especially in certain parts of the body, making the person who used it want to have intimate sessions with another one, and it all happens without their knowledge because they’re too gone to understand the situation they’re in – and that is exactly what happens with you, his delicate sergeant who he needs to take care of – to heal, to become the cure for that he will gladly agree on but first, he needs to tell you about it, retelling what soap told him before you said how warm the air was.

“hey, doll, focus on me, would ya?” he asks, spanking your cheeks lightly to make you focus on him. “you’re under the effects of a poisonous flower,” he shows it again, “the warmness, sweats, desires are caused because of it,” he tries to stay low, not giving his feelings away when he sees your almost naked body and how your eyes wink rapidly, looking at him from head to toe and mouth going dry as you do, “we need to get it out of your system.”

“I know,” you say, whispering.

“what?” he asks, sounding surprised.

you look guilty for a moment, avoid his gazes, you confess, “I read the description on the report but I didn’t know which flower was which – I thought this one was – pure, to use afterward – but it seems it’s already affected.” you sound sorry, yet, you don’t stop on your actions – picking the bottle and using the rest of the water to pour it on you. “I am so sorry, lt, I really am but I – aggh – I know what we should do –“ you look at him from the corner of your eyes, too afraid to look directly, “if you would like to help me – but if you don’t, I can go –“

“no,” he sounds as if he orders you around. he hides the jealousy rising within him as the idea of another man touching you, being the cure, hit his mind – he wants to be the only one who can have you – his good girl – well, not in the particular moment but maybe, you’re still his good girl – or else, you would suggest to go and see a doctor immediately, not waiting and asking him whether he can heal you or not and it’s even meaning that you’re giving yourself to him.

because of the effect of the venom in your system or not, he knows you damn well that you would not ask if you didn’t want it. “I will help,” he says, nodding to show how certain he is, hands slowly reaching your arms, skin to skin, the coldness flowing from his fingers to yours. eyes widen, you look so pretty, he thinks, “just tell me you want it not only because of the pollen but also because you desire it.”

it doesn’t take time for you to confess it, nodding, hands finding his chest, “I desire it,” you say, breathing louder, “I desire for you, sir.”

satisfied, he smirks, glad he has the mask on, yet, you know him, don’t you? even your gestures are proof of it – the hands gripping him by the neck, lowering him down, saying, “sir, your mask is on the way.”

“you’re a brat, aren’t ya?” he teases, not understanding how he is adapted to the sudden situation – he just gives up, giving you what you want – what you need – himself, and taking what he desires for a long time in return.

curling his mask up until it reaches half of his face, lips on sight, he nods, allowing you to move closer and kiss him, and you do it in high spirits, smiling, and connecting your warm lips with his cold ones with such passionate that he puts his palms on the table beside your thighs not to fall onto you.

warmness makes it euphoric – lip kissing lip, tongue joining the other’s mouth intensely, whimpering sounds coming out both of you in unison. hands hugging his neck tighter, you make him kneel down closer enough that he gets between your inner exposed thighs – the hard fabric of his pants touching your flesh, sending chills because of how clothed he is compared to you.

leaving for air, you feel his massive hands moving to your thighs, finding the sports’ edge from there, and pulling it down in one motion after you nod to him, moaning his name lowly, “s-simon –“

“oh,” he says, waiting for you to take your top off too, throwing it onto the floor, putting your palms on the table as you lean to behind, displaying your naked body fully to him with pride and lust – and a bit of shyness you can’t hide. “prettier than I have imagined.”

“you – you have imagined about m – mmmph!” your words are cut by his fingers entering your mouth, shutting you up as he waits for you to lick his two massive fingers. now thanks to seeing half of his face, you can witness the smirk he has, clearly enjoying how you lick his fingers with pleasure, eyes half-closed.

“wondering how you will manage when you have my dick inside you twice as big as my fingers on your mouth, doll,” he says, teasing yet having the voice of a man who tells no lie – only the truth – and just the idea makes your pussy clench around nothing as you suck his fingers, wishing they were his cock instead.

his lips find your ear, whispering, “tell me, do you think you can handle me, princess?”

not in the slightest you believe you can, but, you want to, so, you nod fast, making him chuckle – sounding so sinful and angelic at the same time that you feel warmer – hotter than any poison can give.

“atta girl,” he praises you, both for licking his fingers and nodding, “now take my fingers, need to prepare your beautiful pussy.”

waiting no more, he shoves his fingers into you in one go, making your forehead hit his chest, hands gripping his arms strongly that were he another man, he would break – but no, he’s fucking ghost, and he can receive any damage he can get from you without complaining.

you moan mindlessly, trying to swallow them – it’s too much, you think, too much to handle yet too delightful to push – so, you open your legs wider, they’re shaking already.

“simon – ohhh! yes, yes, yes!”

he chuckles again – how many times now, two? – more than he chuckles for an entire year but it’s you after all – his pretty girl who is so fucked up even with his fingers.

“unbelievable, sergeant,” he says, taking you by the chin, eye to eye, “it’s only my fingers, and you’re already cumming?”

“huh?”

he’s right – he’s so right that it hurts – seeing your cum on his finger, you feel shy, one step away from hiding your face on his chest – but you stop when you see him licking his fingers full of your juicy – a moan escapes from your parted lips.

“mmhh –“ he whimpers, “tasteful.”

it’s the only thing he says before giving you one last look full of danger – mixed with lust – something you see first, something you will beg to see again and again after this night as well.

putting down his mask, he turns your body and bends you down on the table – not too harshly, not too gently.

“simon!” you scream in shock – a shock that turns you on further – even though you cum a few minutes ago, you sense an upcoming climax after he grips you by the neck, pushing you onto the table, getting your ass up. hearing him unzipping his pants, your wet pussy clench around nothing, eyes closed, heart beating as if it will break your chest into two, set free – you know the venom eating your body alive still even after the cum – however, can’t deny decreasing power of it which leaves its place to one and only simon ghost riley who seems like he’s ready to devour you.

“didn’t though ya would get away that easily from disobeying my rules, and picking a possible venomous flower without sayin’ me about it?”

he sounds amused rather than angry – he’s doing it on purpose, to make you go crazy – to make your pussy go crazy for him.

“don’t say such things, lt,” you challenge him to be rougher, being a brat, using the effects of the poison on the advantage. “or else I will disobey you more often.”

“is that so, kiddo?” he mocks you – you can hear it through his husky and dangerous voice, alerting you about what will come – and you’re so right about it when you feel him slapping your ass – body jolts forward – weren’t he holding you by the neck, you would fall at the impact, “then for each one of ‘em, I will fuck you so well that it will dig into your bratty mind not to show disobedience to your superior.”

“wanna learn it, sir, wanna learn my lesson – please, simon – pleeease! need you – agghh –“ your words – or begs if you be honest with yourself, shutting down by his cock’s tip, entering your pussy slowly as he opens your folds wider to make it fit.

with a different desire except being fucked by him, you turn to behind as possible as you can, looking at his thick and long cock staying right in front of your hole’s entrance, “ohhhh –“ you moan with pure instincts when you see how massive it looks.

simon’s head tilts to the side, eyes burning your skin alive, “what is it, doll, bigger than you have imagined?” he refers to the fact that he’s not the only one who has deep desires – but also you – having naughty thoughts about your superior, your lt who you have by your side all the time.

“s-simon,” you sound more fearful than you want to, “will it – will it even fit?!”

he shakes his head in disbelief, kneeling further – his cock enters you deeper, making your back arch in both pain and pleasure – it’s already too much and it has another halfway to go!

“don’t worry princess,” he says – how come he can sound deeper with each passing time? “I will make it fit into your tight greedy pussy. after all, you are made of for my cock – for me, aren’t ya?”

he finds the answer to his question by going in deeper, causing both of you to moan and swear – he shoves his cock deep inside your walls, filling you up fully – the feeling is euphoric, boiling in sin, completing with the lust and passionate coming from the love you have for each other.

“ohhh – simon! it’s too – too much!”

hoping you will be able to adjust his length soon enough, you let him take his cock off out of your aching pussy and shove it inside again with a hard thrust, trying to make it fit – make it give you the pleasure you need as a cure at the highest scale.

“just – fuucck –“ you could never, “mghhm – just one more to fit!” could never thought you would make him swear, whimper, even moan out of all the people, yet, here you’re, in front of his massive body, bent over, displaying your body to him in nude, letting him use your body as he pleases – he does it to heal you, it’s the first thing you believe, but when you go deeper in your thoughts, you realize how not only you but also he is in the need of you – having you.

“there it is,” he says, taking you from your mind into reality, cock has started to fuck you faster, going in and out with perfect rhythm which continues to accelerate instead of staying at the same pace. “told ya you’re made for it, doll.”

starting to fuck you hard, deep and rough – exactly what he wants and you need, he uses your wetness to thrust into you easily, earning sweet voices from your dry and parted lips, looking at your exposed body shamelessly, as if he has all right to do – well, he does, you both know it – feeling pussy clenching, squirming around his length and soaking onto it – mind dizzy, hands gripping the table under them to stay in the earth – he’s the only reality you have who feels like a dream – eyes seeing starts because of how good he fucks you, you sense poison leaving your body, its place is filled with what ghost is giving; heaven and hell – mix.

“simon, simon, ohh, simon! s’ good – agggh – it’s s’ good!”

“shh,” he quite you down, kneeling on your level – cock hit the deepest part of your pussy, thrusting your g-spot without missing, “you don’t want the others to hear, do you?” he asks, entertained when you bite your hand to stay silent, “or you want it. would you like that? others watching your pathetic face as I fuck you good? no one, but me – mmh – fuuck! that’s right baby, no one – just me, simon ghost riley. shiiit – can’t even realize soaking so wet hearing my words,” his fingers joining his cock, picking the wetness you’re making with his fingers, then, shoving them into your mouth.

you moan his name as you suck your taste from his fingers, eyes rolling, going white when he grabs you by the hair, turning your face to watch your pretty face close while fucking you harder as if it’s possible – he claims you, you know it even with your dysfunctional brain, “scream my name louder.”

he orders, hands leaving your hair to position on your hips, holding you still, breaking you into pieces – you don’t know how louder you moan his name, too cock dumbed to care – don’t know how many times you cum onto him – don’t know the tears washing your face – brain isn’t working – or it works just to send pleasure into your twisting abdomen, and abused pussy.

the last thing you feel his hot semen filling you up, moaning your name as he does it, then, nearly collapsing onto you because of how good it was to fuck you.

“fuck, you have no idea how weak you’re making me, princess.” he confesses, picking your body, he guarantees, “don’t worry, I got it from here, sergeant. only rest.”

hearing his words lastly, you give up – the exhausted body is left to take care of him, your one and only simon ghost riley.

❦ tagging: @lilvampirina& @snowprincesa1 & @dookiemeshibear & @manuursw *hearts, hearts, hearts* 💌💌💌

[celestialexxperience]

dark paradise (Billy dunne x reader)

requested by anon~

Warnings: lots of profanities, my writing kinda being mean to Camila, (but yk I wrote a fic about reader and Camila cheating on Billy.)

A/N: THIS IS SOOOO LONGG and I don't really like it but it's inspired by the lana del rey song so that's good!

"I love you." The beautiful tall brunette boy said as he looked down on you.  

You were stunned, you didn't know what to say or do, you just stood there and let that beautiful man put his beautiful veiny hands on your now flushed face. 

      "I love you too Billy." You said acting dumb, trying to convince yourself this really wasn't happening, that your best friend since you were five wasn't confessing his love to you.

You knew that this was probably going to happen one day. a young boy and girl just don't bond together over their love of music and emotionally unavailable fathers without just staying friends. It doesn't happen. 

      "No y/n, I love you. I'm in love with you." His expression and tone getting stronger by the minute. 

This couldn't be happening. 

          It was happening, you knew it was happening but you wanted peace. It was too much. you just wanted a friend somebody to bond with and talk with without the complicated ways of feelings and emotions.

         You didn't need somebody to kiss.

                  You needed somebody to listen.

"Billy-" you said trying to hide back tears.  "I can't, you know that." 

"You can't or you won't?" As the now angered brunette finished that sentence you began to think about all the things you've heard about Billy in a relationship and what he's like with girls. Sure, it hurt, but Billy was a well known player of your home town and if you two ever ended up together neither of you can promise he wouldn't treat you like that. 

"That's not fair Billy. That's not fucking fair and you know it!" You said finally raising your voice making Billy jump a little surprised from never really hearing you get mad. 

You two have had this conversation before, of how you're done with dating and how men are pigs who only want one thing. But sure, he didn't say anything so he probably doesn't fucking remember. 

"This isn't fair Y/n! This isn't fucking fair!" The shaggy brunette said, finally yelling at you. "I have been in love with you since forever and you fucking know it! And you have known it so stop acting so fucking dumb and come to your senses for once!" 

"You know what Billy? We're done. This is done! This friendship is fucking over!" And you finally yelling back. 

"This never fucking started!" You pushed past him as you grabbed your stuff and exited out of his room making your way towards his front door. 

"That was a fucking dumb thing to say to Dunne." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two of you haven't talked in months and he hasn't seen you in months. 

The Dunne Brothers were getting more gigs and more attention and so was Billy.

So it wasn't surprising when you found out from the younger peachier Dunne brother that he never found out that you had moved to LA but what you were surprised about was when you found out he was dating Camila. I mean yeah, Billy dunne is one to move on quickly but the last thing you heard it was a pretty good committed relationship.

The younger Dunne brother was updating you on daily important things that happened surprisingly the two of you grew pretty close. But one thing that peaches forgot to mention was that the band was moving to the city of angels YOUR city of angels, until the very last minute when they needed somewhere to stay.

"NO NO NO GRAHAM!" 

"Ohhhh come on y/n!!" Graham said extending your name making you know he was giving you puppy eyes over the phone.

"Graham?" He hummed back. 

"Why can't you buy your own place? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE BAND MOVING TO LA?!

"Well, we kinda dont have much money right now… and we knew you lived here so we wanted to see if you had a place for us to stay! " he said in the sweet Dunne voice "and I didnt wanna freak you out when you out about us and Billy moving here and we thought we would never see you again!"

"Okay well now I'm freaking out about two things!"

"Y/n. Please?"

"Fuck, fine fine shit, I have this place up in Laurel Canyon that I was living in with these people when I first moved here but they all moved out and I got stuck with it, but then sadly the old woman who was living with us died so it's mine now. But its not much, and it only has 4 bedrooms, but there is a shed that has toilet in the corner of the room so whoeve whats it can have it." You said finishing your sentence with a slight chuckle trying to forgot that you have to deal with seeing Billy dunne everyday.

"Yo peaches, what's going on man ?" Warren asked, making you remember his beautiful curly locks.

"She said yes!" You could hear all the cheers over the phone making you chuckle "Okay okay but it's haunted." Graham said shutting some of the cheers down making "oh's" from the band being heard making you chuckle once again.

But the only thing you had on your mind was Billy and how this was gonna work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You should come see us play!" Said the beautiful blond-haired keyboardist with the beautiful British accent.

"Oh i-" the eldest Dunne brother was having a self staring contest with the side of your face as he had the beautiful brunette Camila.

There was something about Camila that you hated. I mean it's not that you were jealous of her, I mean yeah you kinda were, but it's not because you wanted to be with Billy, it was because you were jealous of her ability not to be scared of Billy hurting her.

"Ummmm I don't know Karen, I'm…you know really busy, with work and… you know." 

The band was finally getting their well needed time of fame, finally playing clubs on the strip, finally getting their names in the "right" mouths and their well Deserved attention.

Camila was so excited for Billy and the band, and so were you. But you knew Billy and you knew how his ego could get and you had a feeling fame and Billy Dunne was not a good mix.

“Yeah you should come Y/n.” Your thought bubble burst and your head turned as you heard Billy’s voice for the first time since the band and Camila moved here a month ago.

After those words came out of his month you couldn’t stop staring at him and realizing his beauty.

His beautiful chocolatey shagged covered hair.

His beautiful full cherry colored lips.

His beautiful light brown eyes.

His beautiful choice of wardrobe which usually consisted of blue jeans and a dark blue jeaned button up.

“Oh okay! I’ll go! I’ll go!” Accidentally looking BIlly straight in his beautiful eyes making you give in. “I’ve been wanting to go anyway to watch you guys perform.” Starting to let out a small chuckle has you thought about this memory. “I haven't seen you guys play since we were kids and you guys were still “the Dunne brothers”. You let out another small chuckle this time making Billy grin a little covering it up by looking over to Camila and giving her a passionate kiss to the cheek. 

“Well, we're glad you're finally going Y/N, it's been long enough.” Said Camila from behind Billy making him jump like he forgot she was there because his eyes had been glued on you for too long.

You could hear a couple of yea’s coming from mostly Karen and Graham and then a surprising yawn being heard out of Warren. Or was it Eddie?

“Well shit, you guys I think I’m gonna head to bed. I’ll see you guys in the morning alright?” Warren.

“Yeah I think I’m gonna head to bed too.” Knowing that you weren’t tired and just needed an excuse to get out of here so you could stay up and think about this interaction for the rest of the night.

“Okay well, we’ll see you tomorrow night at the whisky?” Asked Karen with Graham next to her, giving you a cheeky smile.

“Yeah, I wouldn't miss it!” You said, trying your best to hide your worriedness about the situation. 

As you headed to your room you were too worried about getting away from that living room and into the comfort of your room, you barely even noticed Billy grabbing your shoulders to whisper into your ears: “I’m glad your back kid.”

He was drunk. You could smell it on his skin.

You hated this, you hated this, you hated seeing him like this. 

You hated seeing him. Period. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you stood in a dark sweaty club called the “whisky a go go” with Camila, (One you have been to many times since you moved to Los Angeles.) waiting for the band to start playing you couldn’t stop thinking about what Billy said last night. Sure, it was only the second sentence he said in almost 3 years, but still, it didn’t help he said it like you were his sister and it didn’t help that his girlfriend was right next to you. 

You felt like it was going to sleep out of your tongue like you needed to wash your mouth out with soap to stop yourself from telling her.

You wanted to tell her you really did, but you just couldn't. 

You knew she probably wouldn't care and knew what happened with Billy and you, and she seemed like a very understanding woman, but something about this whole situation was telling you to not say anything like you and Billy were really together, but you weren't. 

"So y/n," Camila's voice whispered Into your ear to be overheard by all the voices in the club, but before she could finish the loud noises of the band starting up cut you off from having you engage in what would've been a very awkward conversation. 

The whole place erupted in cheers Coming from the back of the club and the very front from where you and Camila were. 

But you were too stunned from billys (yet again) drunken stance to say anything.

"God… evening!” Billy said, trying his best to stand up straight.

You cringed, you saw Graham cringe, you saw Camila smiling trying her best not to cringe or even cry. You didn’t blame her. One bit.

“We're the six! But you already knew that.” Billy muttered under his breather giving you a wink. You wanted to pull him off that damn stage before his ego could do anything stupid. 

Before billy could give the cue for the band to start playing he interrupts himself after Graham gave him a look that makes him remember something.

“Ohhhh yeahhhh!” The drunk Dunne says with a slight chuckle expanding his words. “We wrote a new song for youuuu! Or well I did.” The brunette man said with another wink getting way too cocky for his own good, which made the basset roll his eyes so hard they were probably gonna fall out of his head. 

As the band started up you saw Camila's face light up with confusion making her realize she has never heard this song before. Sure, it was a new song but billy always I mean always played new songs for her, because they were usually all about her. 

As Billy started singing his voice sent chills down your whole body making you realize how much you missed this, how much you miss him, Billy’s voice had always been your favorite and probably Camila's favorite too. 

As he started singing the first you didn’t think anything, but by the fifth you started questioning it and by Camila’s face so did she. The lyrics describe something only you would know and that Billy would only feel about you.

As you finally realized who and what the song was about, you chugged the last of your drink and grabbed your stuff and left. 

As Billy noticed this (which was immediately.) he threw his mike stand down and quickly made his way off the stage chasing you before you could make it to the exit. 

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!” At the man as he dragged you backstage. 

“Y/n-“ he said softly trying to get your attention.

“Billy what was that?!” You said still yelling at the beautiful wasted man. 

He was gone for words so all that came out of his mouth was: "I love you."2nebv4

He sounded like he was gonna cry. It broke your heart. 

"Billy-" you knew you loved him, you always had, you were just scared. 

"Y/n please just tell me the truth!" 

"That is the truth billy!"

"No it's not! I know it, you know it, the fucking band knows it!" At this point you knew you just needed to tell him the truth, so you did.

"Okay fine! You want the truth I'll fucking give you the truth, okay! I love you and I have always loved you! I love everything about you and it hurts it really hurts Billy! Too see you with these girls and then have you tell me you  love me! moving to LA to get away from Pittsburgh just to find the main reason I left living with me!" You said getting louder and louder knowing that probably everybody in the whole club could hear you. "Oh and worst of all seeing you every single day with these amazing beautiful sweet woman who will always be everything I'm not and then seeing you drunk every fucking-" The next thing you knew you were being caught off from your huge rant by Billy’s lips on top of yours. 

The way you felt with Billy's lips on yours was a feeling you wanted to feel for the rest of your life, but sadly you pulled away realizing the state he was in. 

You heard a sad hum coming from his lips. 

"I know, but you're drunk."

"Hm okay." He said his face into your jean jacket. 

As you started rubbing his back in sympathy you heard his muffled cries running down your Jean jacket. 

"I love you so much" he said, making me realize I wanted this, I wanted to take care of him for the rest of my life. 

[myeternalrage]

dear diary,

there's a man sleeping on the train cart and every now and then he wakes up and looks at me. i’ve been trying to trip on shrooms and it’s been unsuccessful, but i feel like my mind is playing tricks on me in this moment. why do you keep staring at me mystery man?

they [everyone i know and also the r/shroom subreddit] say when you do shrooms your mind unlocks different levels of your subconcious, you have to be ready to see anything that the psychedelic pulls out of your memory's file cabinet. you have to let go.

with the things that i’ve done and seen, if i were to relive them i would sob. maybe that's why i haven't been able to trip, is this that divine intervention that niggas be talking about?

i read my friends poem today while waiting for the shrooms to hit.

she writes about the coke dealer she fucked, she believes she is just like lana del rey, wallowing in a pit of older men and cigarettes. i wonder what her mother thinks when her daughter is asleep in another man’s bed. does she wonder if her daughter is safe? or does she not care?

im jealous.

i wanna live the life of a rockstar, to have men do coke off my ass cheeks and kiss me only during the night. i don’t wanna be a woman— but someone else’s dopamine. i guess those things could be interchangeable.

its so hard for me to picture but i know i’ll feel so wonderful in the glamour of it all, my eyelids stained with black eyeshadow and the dreams of dope fiends.

i want to experience the thrill of a man who is twice my age, his “dad-bod” mocking me while im spread out across his bed, there won’t be a defiant bone in my body. he’ll look at me with lust in his eyes, then put a little bit more bass in his voice before he chokes me and tells me i look the sexiest when i suffer.

it’ll feel like a movie, & momma— i wanna feel famous.

her poem made me cry and as the tears cascade down my cheeks, the man on the train wakes up again. this time we hold eye contact and as he watches me cry his hand slides down his stomach and lands on his dick. he continues to watch me cry before slowly retreating back to his dreams.

i made it home and i lay in my bed drenched in sweat and the stares of distant men.

i cant stop crying and maybe it’s the copious amount of shrooms i took, hoping i’d get a trip or the unconscious thoughts about chasing after men with no disregard to me; 

but i wish someone would’ve taught me the lesson of giving up. 

is this what it's like being a rockstar?

[cinnamon-bebe]

Chemtrails (Pedro Pascal x Fem!Reader)

Chemtrails (Pedro Pascal X Fem!Reader)

Summary: "If you died today, would you be happy with the life you've lived?" What happens when you've sacrificed your love for fame and fortune? Despite the glitz and glamour, the Reader is all Pedro can think about. The stars have never been on your side but can you rewrite the plans they have for you?

Warning: Angst, Fluff, Occasional Cursing

Inspired by the song Chemtrails Over the Country Club by Lana Del Rey

"I'm on the run with you, my sweet love

There's nothing wrong contemplating God

Under the chemtrails over the country club"

"Baby what's your sign?"

"You're in the wind, I'm in the water

Nobody's son, nobody's daughter

Watching the chemtrails over the country club"

Pedro's POV

The chatter of a hundred people and yet I still only hear your voice. Memories of your words, from years past.

You asked me what my sign was, I told you I was an Aries. You laughed and told me we shouldn't be friends, the stars say so. The stars say we're incompatible, we'd be at each other's throats. I'm a fire sign and you didn't need any more drama. I kissed you for the first time and told you I'd prove you wrong, you simply smiled and looked off to the chemtrails that flew over us.  

Memories from years past.

I didn't have much to offer you but I told you that you could take my word. At that time, it was worth more than anything I could have given you.

"You want me to defy the stars?" You raised an eyebrow, a smile teasing your face.

"The stars can go fuck themselves." I told you and kissed you again.

We were so young. We were nobodies. Running through the concrete jungle, with your hand in mine. Sun dress and kisses at midnight convenience stores, splitting a hot dog on a summer day because we needed money for the show at 7.

We used to contemplate the meaning of life over a bottle on our little balcony. I asked you if you were happy and you smiled but did not reply.

"If you died today, would you be happy with the life you've lived?" You asked me instead.

"No." I told you. "There's so much more I want to do. I want to be somebody."

I didn't know it then but that was the moment I started to lose you.

Memories from years past.

I find myself sitting at a restaurant now, with more money to line my pockets, pats on the back from strangers. People know my name and it comes out in whispers, as they stare over their expensive plate, getting cold just to catch a glimpse of me.

A beautiful woman sits across from me. As if a movie star isn't a big enough draw, a woman like her only invites more gazes. She looks like she'd just stepped off a screen herself. She gives me all her attention, so much so that she does not register the envious stares from the others around her.

Her lips are moving, perhaps a funny anecdote came to mind or is she telling me about her sister's wedding again that she mentioned before?  I cannot tell you, for my mind is elsewhere, with someone else.

"So would you like to come?" She smiles brightly at me, her perfect teeth sitting between her lips, painted in a dusty pink.  

"Huh?" I snap out of my daze, embarrassed that I was clearly not paying attention.

"Jule's wedding, did you...want to be my date for the day?" She blushes, hopeful.

"Oh. I...uh. I don't know Kate. I have a pretty packed schedule coming up, I don't know if I'll have time." I try to make up an excuse.

"It's too early isn't?" She bites her lip sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I know we've only been dating for a few weeks, I shouldn't have sprung this up on you so fast."

"No no, please don't be silly. I love weddings!" I try to laugh it off. "It's just that, with the new movie coming up, I need to start preparing before we go into production."

"I understand." She nods with a smile, "Comes with the territory when you're dating a big movie star I guess." She looks at me, I'm not sure if she's anticipating a response but I reciprocate with a grin and wave at the waiter for another drink.

Soon enough, she excuses herself from the table to go to the ladies room and I'm left sitting alone at our spot. I grow tiresome of the incessant chattering from the tables around me and I massage the temples of head, wishing I was at home in the comfort of my bed with just the company of my television.

I see glances from a small table to the side of me, a group of young women clearly too shy to ask for a photograph, egging each other on to make the first move over to me. Their hopes quickly dashed as I feel a firm hand on my shoulder, turning me around.

"Pedro?" A familiar voice calls my name.

"Anthony! Fancy seeing you here!" My eyes widen as I pull an old friend down for a hug.

"It's my anniversary with Charlize, we're just celebrating! God I haven't seen you for so long!" He shakes his head, slowly looking me up and down, examining my so-called transformation. I've aged so much since we last we saw each.

"How long have you been here?" I ask.

"A couple of hours, I actually saw you before but I..uh...I didn't want to interrupt your date."

Date? I swallow the word whole.

"You lucky man. She's very pretty." He comments.

"Yeah, she is."

"You could seem a bit more interested though but those are Charlize's words, not mine." He raises his hands up, letting his wife take the blame.

"I must seem like an ass, don't I?" Poor Kate, how spoilt am I to show a woman like her so little interest. "I haven't dated for so long, it's just hard getting back into the scene that's all."

Anthony let's out an inaudible "oh" and I know he's thinking the same thing, I can practically hear the name sitting on his tongue, desperately wanting to come out. 

"How is Y/N?" I break the ice, allowing the elephant in the room an escape before he suffocates along with me.

"She's good, very good actually. She's a documentary film maker now. Her work is amazing, you'd love it." Anthony couldn't help his excitement when speaking about you and I feel an intense pang of sadness and jealousy seeing his eyes light up. To see you, celebrate you. I wonder if you've aged like me or do you still look the same as how I remember. Do you still crinkle your nose every time you hear a bad joke? Do your eyes still get red and glassy when you look at the sky because you're wondering if anyone's looking down on you? I wish I knew.

"Listen, I have to go." Anthony looks back at his wife who gives me a polite wave from a distance.

"It was really good seeing you Anthony, I'm sorry we haven't spoken all these years. It's just with work..." I recycle that old excuse again.

"Don't worry about it...you made it! I know you worked really hard to get where you are now. I know you had to make a lot of sacrifices..." The last sentence, spoken so softly, it was almost drowned out. "I'm genuinely happy for you."

I nod, giving my friend one last hug before I ready for him to turn and leave, instead he hesitates and looks at me.  

"Hey Pedro?"

"Yeah?"

"She still lives in the neighbourhood." He looks down at the scarf in his hand before patting me on my arm. "Just so you know."

With that, he waves me goodbye. Walking back to his wife, who he wraps his arm around. The way she naturally rests into him and slips her hand into his coat pocket as they exit the restaurant, I wonder if I'd ever have that level of intimacy with Kate.  

__________________________________________________

I sent her home in a taxi. "I have an early morning and need to prep for some meetings", my excuse for her this time. Kate's disappointed expression, as I gave her a kiss on the cheek is the last thing on my mind.

Scuffing the cap of my leather shoes, I kick at the pavement. The world moves past me as I hide myself in the bubble of my thoughts. I have no sense of direction, my legs taking me to no intended destination, only letting the neon lights around guide me to where it desires.

Anthony's words were still ringing in my ears.

Would you want to see me?

My mind reminds me of the last time we were together.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this, if I don't leave the city now, I may never get my chanc-"

"Get your chance to do what? Be a star?" You were sat deep in the corner of the sofa, far from me. Your voice calm and monotonous as you watched me pace up and down our tiny apartment. I couldn't decipher your expression, it was as if you knew what I was going to say.

"I want to make something out of my life! I want to prove to everyone and myself that I can make it Y/N. I don't want to waste my life away." I moved towards you, our presence separated by the little vintage coffee table I hated but still bought home because you loved it so much.

"Well then go, I don't want to hold you back from chasing your dreams."

"Y/N-"

"No. It's okay Pedro. I understand...I really do. I don't want to stop you from pursuing what you love." You got up from your spot, you seemed so small to me as you closed the gap between us. Your hand felt so light against my face, like you were disappearing before me. "Don't live in regret because of me."

"Y/N come wi-" I tried to hold you, hold you before you evaporated.

"No. My place is here." You took your hand away, moved back, the space between us grew more and more distant. "I don't have big dreams like you do. I like normality. I like living my life however I want it, do whatever I want, whenever I want. You asked me if I was happy...and I am."

"Would you still be happy without me?"

I stared at you. My gut sank because I already knew this was the end. You didn't have to tell me.

"I don't know..." You managed to smile, even through the gentle tears that formed in your eyes. "But I know you would be without me."

"That's not true." I tried to reach for you but you pulled away.

"We're very different people Pedro...I told you, we're incompatible. It's time we listened to the stars."

My thoughts are suddenly interrupted as I feel a hand rest softly on the small of my back.

"Hello sir, would you like to buy a rose?" An elderly woman smiles up at me. A child stands obediently nearby, holding a bouquet of individually wrapped stems, clearly past his bedtime but still helping Grandma late at night. The child looks tired, sad. Judging by the number of roses still in his hands, they must have had an unlucky day.

"How much for one?" I return her kind smile, taking out my wallet.

"$2. Thank you, thank you so much sir." The old woman sighs in relief calling the child over to bring the flowers for me to pick. Each stem had a handwritten tag with various cheesy sentiments adorned.

....A kiss in exchange for a rose...

...You're more beautiful than any flower but here's one to show you my love anyway...

....Would you be my Valentine?...

....Please forgive me, I was an idiot.

I chuckle at the last one before picking a rose at random.

I take out $100 and watch the old lady's eyes panic as she reaches in her purse to find change. Taking her hand firmly in mine, I assure her it wasn't necessary.

"I'll take one rose for the $100. You keep the rest of the flowers and have a good night okay?"

The woman looks at the child with her mouth agape and then back at me, clearly taken aback by the gesture.

"Sir, are you sure?"

"Yes, take the kid home and get some rest. This one rose itself is worth every dollar." I pat her hand which trembles in mine.

"Thank you! Thank you! Bless you and the woman who receives your rose!"

Taking the child's hand they quickly walk away, whispering to each other and disappearing into the night.

I stare at the flower in my hand and bring it closer to my face, studying the message on the tag.

...Let's defy the stars and write our own destiny.

I stand in the dark of night, illuminated only by the cafe lights ready to turn off for the day. My hand grips the stem as if it weighed a hundred tons yet afraid it would float away like a feather. The frantic honking of the traffic seems to taunt me, the laughter from the bars nearby seem to be mocking this idiot of a man standing in the middle of the streets, holding a flower he paid $100 for.

"Just do it!" I hear a young boy shout at his friend attempting a skateboard trick up the block.

Just do it. I repeat to myself. Just fucking do it.

"Taxi!"

 _________________________________________________

I remember these steps, we used to sit here with the neighbours' kids. Charlie, I think that was his name? I remember little Charlie proposing to you with a plastic ring and threatening to get his kindergarten buddies on me, simply for existing. I can't help but laugh at that memory.

Everyone was in love with you, the young, the old. They couldn't help but fall for your charms, your kindness, the way you'd smile at them even if you've never spoken a word to each other. Everyone was under your spell, including me.

You told me you loved me on these steps.

I had gotten back from a bad audition and couldn't bear to go home to you. I sat here for hours until you saw me from the balcony and came down. You didn't ask me anything. You just sat with me as we watched the kids run up and down the block, racing each other, teasing each other. I looked at you and you gave me a kiss on the nose.

"I love you."

You said it so quietly at first that I pretended I didn't I understand.

You rolled your eyes and pulled my face into yours, telling me you loved me over and over again as you smothered me with your kisses.

That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Walking past our faded figures, I enter the building and see that nothing has changed.

The walls were the same duck egg green. The bulletin board covered in layers of flyers and advertisement, some new, with plenty dated months back. I wouldn't be surprised if the audition ads I tried out for from years ago were still there.

The smell of various cuisines mingle together to form its own unique indecipherable aroma.

A comforting aroma.

I look to the elevator, still out of order. Obviously.

We only lived on the third floor, the stairs will be fine.

I prepare myself for the incline when a voice calls out to me.

"Where are you going?"

I turn around and see our old building superintendent, decked out in his uniform. Stanley.

"Stan! It's me Pedro! Wow, you're still here!" I walk to him.

"Who?" He looks me up and down, completely confused as to who the hell I am.

"Pedro from 3B upstairs? I used to live with Y/N...maybe you don't remember me because of the moustache." I rub the bottom of my nose sheepishly.

"No...I don't remember you."

Old Stanley, perhaps age is catching up to him.

"I'm just going to see Y/N." I try to resume my journey but he stops me once more.

"No entry into the building if you're not a resident!" He points to the sign on the wall.

"Since when was that a rule?" I throw my hand in the air.

"Since today. We have too many unsavoury men try to come into the building, how do I know if you really know Miss Y/L/N? I'm not letting any potential predators or burglars into the building."

"But Stan she-"

Pointing to the sign on the wall again, he raises an angry brow. Not wishing a full body beat down by ol' Stan, I take myself back out the building like a bad dog.  

I sit on the steps, sighing in defeat. I try to convince myself that coming here is a mistake.

"Defy the stars...pfft! You've been in way too many movies Pedro." I mumble to myself, as I dig my thumb nail into the stem of the rose.

Perhaps we're only given the choice to rewrite our destiny but it doesn't mean destiny would just sit idly by and let you do whatever you want. It's probably for the best. What would I say anyway?

Running my hand through my hair, I get up to leave. The adrenaline from earlier had drained so quickly out of me, that its left me a fatigued mess. Move on Pedro, it's time to go home.

"Hey movie star." A voice calls from above. "You looking for me?"

Your hair falls past your face as you lean over the balcony and in that moment I feel my heart break into a million pieces.

There you are.

Standing before me, even more beautiful than when you left, if that is even possible.

You're wearing a simple white vest and grey shorts, one leg rubbing softly against the other. Your skin bears the warm orange glow reflected from the lights inside your apartment.

You look so raw, so delicate.

Every pulse in my body aches seeing you again.

"Wow." I breathe. "You look..."

You hide your laugh and I can see you blushing from behind your hand.

"Thanks. You look great too. I'm like the...um..." You rub under your nose with your finger.

"Thank you, I grew it out for a role but now people tell me I look like their grandma without it." I shrug, much to your amusement.

"What are you doing here?" You speak, more softly, more seriously.

How do I even respond to this question? I was out on a date with another woman but I bumped into our old friend who told me I should find you? Or should I go with I met an old woman and her kid, who I'm pretty sure were cupid's little minions, sent down to earth to give me a rose and to fuck with me?

"I was just in the neighbourhood. I wanted to see if you wanted to um...go out for a coffee?" I lie.

You look at me incredulously, clearly seeing through my bullshit.

"Everything is shut by now." You simply respond.

"Oh...well maybe we can just talk then?"

You tap the metal rails, where you lay your arms. Are you contemplating whether to come down or throw a bucket of water over me? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Without saying a word, you disappear out of sight. The lights in your apartment switches off.

What does this mean? Are you off to bed?

Before I could ruminate any more, the doors open from behind me and you slip through.

God, you look even better up close.

My hands instinctively reach out to touch you but I withdraw quickly before you could see. You had wrapped yourself in a fleecy blanket, the threads a deep purple.

Without saying a word, you sit down on the step and I can only follow suit, my mind can no longer make decisions for itself it seems.

You smell the same, that same soft floral scent I used to love. The one I used to breathe in when I'd hold you close to me in bed because I didn't want you to leave for work.

Our knees are so close, they almost touch.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

For a minute I don't know how to respond, I just don't want to stop looking at you.

"I was...I was wondering if you were thinking about me?"

You laugh, I laugh too. Of course you weren't.

"I think about you all the time." You tell me so casually, it catches me off guard.

"You do?" I whisper in disbelief.

"It's hard not to when you're on every other billboard in the city."

Oh.

"I think about you all the time too Y/N."

You smile and look up at the sky. The night is aligned with many stars tonight and they all call for your attention but mine. I feel greedy staring at you but I'm simply making up for all the nights that I was alone without you, all those kisses I've shared with women that weren't you.

"What do you think the stars are telling us tonight?" I ask.

You grin and without looking back at me, you say "I think the stars are laughing at us."

"Do you think the stars have changed their mind about us?"

You finally turn to me, your eyes drop. "I don't think that's how it works Pedro."

"If this is the life the stars have planned for me, a life without you, then I don't want it Y/N."

"Pedro-"

"I thought if I made a name for myself, if people knew who I was, then I'd be sure of who I am...but who I'm meant to be, who I want to be...is to be with you." Your eyes meet mine, coloured with emotions you are scared to express. "I look for you everywhere I go Y/N, in every women I meet but you are always a world away."

"We don't even know each other anymore Pedro."

"You are the only one who has always known who I am, even before me Y/N. I'm still as strange and as wild as I have always been. I'm still as messy and as clumsy as I was before. I still love cheap corner store liquor and dancing terribly in public. I still look at chemtrails whenever they past me...because they remind me of you."

"Chemtrails are bad for you, they say they're chemicals."  You tell me, your voice low and expressionless.

"If I die with you as my last thought, it won't be so bad."

I finally find the courage to reach for you and you don't recoil from me, you let me gently run my finger against the hair that falls down past your face. You close your eyes and I selfishly take you, pulling you towards me.

I rest my forehead against yours and I savour this moment where I can be close to you and not let it be a memory.

"What if I've changed?" You whisper.

"Well then I'll spend the rest of my life getting to know you again."

"If I told you to run away with me tonight, would you?" You open your eyes to see me, your expression as serious as ever.

"You're my home Y/N. I'll go wherever you go. Even if it's to another galaxy, we'll drive a little red Corvette into space together and leave this all behind."

You smile and tug on the bottom of your lip. "You think the stars would still allow us to go to space?"

"Fuck the stars." I say as I take your lips.

Oh, how I've missed the sweetness of your taste; in this moment you are spoiling me rotten. You wrap your arms around me and allow the blanket to drop from your shoulders. The only stars that mattered now are those in our eyes. They're telling me the future and it's you. It's always been you.

The sirens of the city and the plane overhead may be loud but I hear nothing over the sound of your heart beat.

You pull away and we both laugh.

In this moment, we are perfect. I am no longer the famous celebrity that belonged to everyone. I am not a son and you are no one's daughter.

We only belong to each other.

I see you shiver and look towards the door.

"Let's go inside." You get up and take my hand, guiding me back to our home. The one I've longed for ever since I left.

The building is quiet, everyone asleep by this hour but old Stan at his desk. I try to shuffle past as inconspicuously as I could, my hand entwine with yours.

"Welcome back Mr Pascal." Stanley greets us as clear as day, his head not even looking up from above his phone.

"Wha- so you do remember me!"

Sly old dog.

Stanley doesn't respond and concentrates on his screen instead.

You shake your head and pull me up the steps but not before I set down my lucky rose on the desk.

"Good night Stan."

I call out before I chase my love up the stairs, both of us ready to write our next chapter together. I don't know what it will entail but I know if you're in it, it will be the greatest adventure I'll ever take.

"Kids these days." Stan sighs, closing the article on his phone and clicking on a familiar app. Putting his feet up, he relaxes with a smile on his face as the Mandalorian theme song begins to play.

[slimcicle]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤTomorrow Never Cameㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤoneshotㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Summary: Din said he would be back tomorrow morning, and you keep waiting.

Warnings: talks about depression and dead.

Din Djarin & fem!reader

word count: 1.3k

A/N: It’s the first time in years that I write here! this is totally inspired by Falling of Harry Styles and Tomorrow Never Came by Lana del Rey. I was feeling so sad and I don't know why. Also, idk if doing this with multiple chapters. Anyways, enjoy and forgive me if something is wrong with the fic, English is not my first language.

You didn't want to know anything about him. You didn't want to think about him again. You wish he was dead by this point, but knowing him, you knew that you would die first to see him dead. You missed him the most, your pillow stayed wet every night for as long as you could remember. You didn't want to miss him. Every part of your body ached when you woke up and he wasn't by your side like he used to be. You hated the way he used to make you feel when you saw him coming from afar. Happiness ran through your whole body and those cloudy days turned sunny with just that little smile that he gave you every noon that he returned. You didn't want to love him, but after all, you kept doing it even when you had been seeing someone else. It killed you to know that none of those people was him. That none of those boys felt as good as him. That none of them made you feel happy. You hated him for not letting you love again.

"I brought you food" Mariel spoke, who was at the door of your room "I also brought coffee but I was not sure if you would like it" her sweet voice was the only thing that encouraged you to move off the position.

You were in your bed, doing absolutely nothing and just looking at the ceiling of the cold room you were in. The empty glasses that lay on the floor by your bed. Your hands squeezed the sheets under you. Your eyes were red, and your lips were parched. You didn't know how long you had been in that position. You had lost hope in everything, in your own life. He had taken your life on that ship the day you last saw him. Your friend Mariel had been going to your house for the past few years, worried that one day you wouldn't be looking at the ceiling and would be looking at the drawer where you kept your pills. She feared that one day she would come in and her best friend would have left with everything she ever promised that man. You would die before him, was the only thing going through your head. Mariel had insisted on putting his clothes in a suitcase and throwing them into the river near your house. But after all, you needed to feel like he was still there. You hated yourself for allowing you to feel this way. What if he left because it was the only way not to break your feelings? Didn't he think about how you felt? Was it something you said? Or was it something you did? You were falling into the same abyss of the last four years.

'' What day is today? '' Mariel looked at you in amazement. It was the first time in years since you said something to her. She walked over to the bed where you were lying and she gave you a huge hug.

You could hear how she was crying, she was crying on your shoulder. '' It's Wednesday ''. Her voice trailed off. She pulled away from you wiping the tears that flowed nonstop from her brown eyes. "I want you to feel better, please"

You didn't say anything to her. You didn't want to promise again. You didn't want to fall again. You just sat on the bed, you were too weak to do anything else. "I'm fine”

Mariel changed her smile to a face of anguish. You couldn't even fool yourself with the things you said to yourself every day. "You're not," she murmured, taking your hands. "Do you want to tell me about him?"

Your fake smile disappeared in an instant. You had been writing too much about him of things you only knew. But in all this time, you've never told Mariel, your best friend, about him. You didn't want to talk about him again, but there were so many things you wanted to let go of with someone. "His name was Din" your voice came out hoarse. Without emotion. Mariel took your hands, giving them a light massage. "He was ... everything I had dreamed of"

The more you thought about him, the more the tears wanted to come out again. You were going to talk, but you couldn't find a way to do it. "He promised ..." was the only thing that came from your lips and then again, you were crying on Mariel's shoulder. "He promised me that he would be here tomorrow"

Mariel didn't know what to say. She had no experience talking to depressed people, oh maker, she had never seen anyone like this. "How did he look? Tell me about him, don't get quiet.” The only thing she understood was that the more you talked about him, rethought the situation, and learned from it... you were gonna be okay.

"He was a Mandalorian." Your shaking hand took the sheet from under you and squeezed it. It hurt to think of him.

"How did you two meet?" her right hand caressed your damaged hair. And the other caressed your arm trying to relax you.

"He ... he came looking for a place to stay," you said without opening your eyes. "We both fell in love and ... and he stayed here with me" you breathe heavily before continuing. Mariel smiled at you. “He was everything to me"

She laughed. You looked at her without understanding what was so funny. "You were a couple?" she asked, taking the bag of food.

"We were engaged." For the first time in years, you felt relaxed. "Two years after meeting and being together." Mariel nodded. You knew she wanted to hear what happened next, but you didn't know if you were ready to talk about it.

"I'm sorry." she apologized, looking at you again. "I guess it was difficult to bury him." you looked at her without understanding. She thought that he was dead, inside you, you expected the same. 

"He's not dead," you said without looking at her. You looked at the door in front of you. That door where he used to lean himself every morning with a cup of coffee that would get cold with the time they used to be in bed. "We didn't have enough credits to do a wedding, so he would leave and return at noon.

You remembered seeing him arrive when you were in the garden harvesting. You saw him take off his helmet with the safety of his home, being away from everyone and living on such a beautiful path that was as neglected as you. His brown eyes looked at you with such joy and his arms around your waist felt as warm as a beautiful summer afternoon. The way his lips tasted like coffee. Those happy, bright days. “He told me that he would go one last round and then he would have enough credits for the wedding. He told me to wait for him on the bench in front of the house, he told me he would arrive tomorrow morning. " your eyes stopped seeing the door. Mariel was looking at the nightstand that you had to your right. "Tomorrow never came" 

Mariel sighed. She looked at you again and showed a small smile. The two of you didn't say anything, just ate in silence. The tears stopped coming out of your eyes once you finished speaking. Someday he would come. You would be in your garden and you would see him coming. His hands would touch your entire body and his lips would kiss your face without stopping. "I have the feeling that he doesn't need me anymore," you said with a smile. A smile that you haven't let out in years.

The garden lay lifeless since he left. You caressed the only flower that was still alive. The only flower that never gave up. You dropped water on her that she surely hadn't felt in years. You had given her life back, you had given her hope. You had regained your hope. 

[nolongerwrites]

Lemme just repost this because my dumbass deleted it by accident a couple of weeks ago 💀

I know the lyrics are misplaced I’m too lazy to fix it rn

How to disappear

“Cuts on his face 'cause he fought too hard”

“I know he's in over his head”

“But I love that man like nobody can”

“He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again”

“I watched the guys getting high as they fight For the things that they hold dear”

“To forget the things they fearThis is how to disappear...”

It had been almost 4-5 years since you’d last seen him. Last you’d Seen the way he’d smile at you when you would walk in the room. The way you would wrap your arms around him from behind when you thought he least expected it, the way you’d cuddle up against him at night like it was the only way you could sleep, the addictive kisses you’d share when no one was watching.

Dazai and you were inseparable. Everyone in the port mafia knew you two were basically connected at the hip. They would talk about the way you two would sneak off and do god knows what when you were supposed to be working. But that was a long time ago. When he disappeared leaving only a note on what had happened and why he needed to leave, it felt as if your whole heart had been torn up to pieces and set on fire.

You were mad. Upset. Confused. Why didn’t he take you with him? Had everything you’d done together and the time spent with each other meant nothing?

You knew odasaku was his best friend but weren’t you also? It may have been selfish of you to think that way but After Dazai’s disappearance you fell into a deep state of depression. You became a completely different person from the way you carried yourself to the lack of sympathy for others. Everyone in the mafia stood clear of you even on assignments and in the halls of the mafias headquarters.

You killed without a second thought unlike before and It didn’t matter who it was you were interrogating, if they didn’t speak up the first time you tortured them until they spilt the info you were looking for only for you to kill them off brutally.

You had become one of the most dangerous and ruthless executives the mafia had, even chuuya wouldn’t try and mess with you.

“Cry on his shoulder 'cause life is hard”

“The waves came in over my head”

“What you been up to, my baby?”

“I haven't seen you 'round here lately “

Fast forward those painful years and here you were now, On your way to inspect a wear house down at the port that supposedly had some suspicious looking figures lurking around it.

Mori had assigned you to just take a look at take out anyone who didn’t look like his men. But

halfway there, as you were driving in one of the cars belonging to the mafia, you had gotten a call from chuuya.

You picked up your phone and answered it hoping it was just another assignment so you could go home and sleep. You were awfully exhausted.

“What’s up” you stated blankly as you turned a corner. “You might wanna come back. Mori specifically asked for you..” chuuya sounded like he was nervous to talk to you. More than normal. “I’m already half way there can’t he wait-“ you were cut off as chuuya called your name sternly.

“ we have a prisoner that needs to be interrogated, a former mafia member..” there was a pause on your end that racked his nerves to the core, yet he continued on.

“... you can probably take a guess who it is...” the car had stopped before he could even finish that sentence. Your grip on the steering wheel was insanely tight, you were surprised you hadn’t broke it already. Blank clouded eyes stared on into the empty road in front of you and as a few minutes past, you could hear chuuya clear his throat which prompted to snap you out of your daze.

“I’ll be right there.” Was all you said as you hung up and turned your car around. Something inside you said you knew exactly who it was

“All of the guys tell me lies, but you don't”

“You just crack another beer”

“And pretend that you're still here”

“This is how to disappear”

Your footsteps echoed through the hall with every slow step you took. You were full of every kind of emotion you could possibly feel. Your ability felt like it was going to erupt like a bird set free from its cage. With every new step you took, your body was telling you to go back. You wouldn’t be able to handle it. But this was the job you’ve devoted yourself to, and you weren’t going to back out now. Chuuya had warned everyone in the building before you got there so the halls were practically empty.

They’d heard the rumors about you and they didn’t dare cross your path in a situation like this. Before you knew it you were in front of the door to the dark, empty brick room used to interrogate.

You took a deep breath a few times in an attempt to calm the beast inside you. You counted to three before slowly opening the door to the room..Dazai stood there chained to the wall by his wrists, waiting for someone to walk in. Of course being dazai, he was singing some song about a double suicide. It had been a while since anyone had come down here. Worst case scenario, that short asshole Chuuya would come down and maybe give him a punch or two (or more likely try and kill him).

What he didn’t expect however, was to see your silhouette standing at the top of the stairs. The second he saw you standing there, in your black, ankle long skirt and grey ruffled blouse that slid off your shoulders exposing the skin of your collar bones and neck which was covered in black cloth like a choker, dazai felt his whole body freeze.

“This is how to disappear”

His eyes were wide with shock as you stepped foot by foot down the stairs. The black heels you were wearing clicked and echoed through the musty room. Before he knew it you were only about 3 feet in front of him.

You never lost eye contact with dazai even as you stopped directly in front of him. Nothing was said. The silence was deafening. It wasn’t until he let out a shaky breath and looked to the floor, that his smile from before returned. When he looked back up to you he could see the pain and mixed emotions behind those empty eyes.

The same eyes that would look at him lovingly the nights the both of them spent in his bed together. The same eyes that told him countless times that they’d loved him more than words could describe. The same eyes that had touched his heart like no other person could. It hurt him to see that they were so empty and clouded now. A distant gaze that would have him dead if looks could kill.

“Its been a while hasn’t it? You’ve gotten taller..” but before he could continue on about the things that had changed about you, His cheek felt like it was on fire. You were standing directly in front of him in a split second, hand colliding with his face as dark purple serpent created of smoke and poison manifested behind you standing almost 12 feet tall.

but it only stood there unmoving no matter how many times you commanded it to attack. Your hand colliding with his cheek again in a fit of rage.

Before he could even react, your knee reached his abdomen in a striking kick to the gut. Hit after hit, you kept going until you could no longer hold onto the pure raw emotion that was going through your head. And for the first time in years, Your grunting turned into sobs, and sobs into screams.

You hit him until your last punch was nothing more that a slight push. You felt weak. Tears had been streaming down onto your shirt and they wouldn’t stop. Dazai spit some blood on the floor before turning his gaze to you again. You were facing the floor as your body shook and trembled with every sob that wracked through you.

“‘it’s been a while’? ‘ITS BEEN A WHILE’??! Really dazai?! That’s ALL you have to say? After what you put me through after you left!? After everything we did?? That’s all you have to say..?!?”.

Dazais heart felt like it was shattering. When you looked back up to him he saw your puffy red eyes and face. The pain from your assaults were nothing compared to the look you were giving him as salty tears rolled down your cheeks. He said nothing.

Even as the blood from his head dripped onto the floor between you both. In almost a second, the chains and cuffed that kept him against the wall were broken and before you knew what had happened he enveloped you in what was literally was a bone crushing embrace.

You screamed and hit at him in an attempt to push him off you which only made him hold onto you tighter. The serpent faded away with his touch and disappeared into the air. You eventually stopped hitting him as your knees felt too weak to hold your body up.

You both dropped to the floor. Dazai did not once letting his grip slack, even as he carried all your weight. He buried his face into your hair as he rocked you back and forth with each cry you let out.

It wasn’t until you slowly put your hands on his back did you feel his own tears fall onto your shoulder. “I’m so sorry... I’m so so sorry...” dazais voice was barely a whisper in your ear. “I loved you so much dazai... I loved you more than anything... why didn’t you take me with you...?” you gripped his coat as you continued to cry in his arms.

“I’m sorry...”

“The California sun and the movie stars”

“I watched the skies getting light as I write As I think about those years”

“As I whisper in your ear”

“I'm always going to be right here”

“No one's going anywhere..”