#c: lardo

[parvuls]

A Comprehensive List Of Jack's Canon Chirps

"Bittle, HEADS UP!" [Bitty passes out] "…Or get into fetal position at central ice. That's also an option."

"You've never seen the sun rise from a rink, eh? Thought you were a figure skating champion."

Bitty: "A fist bump! I didn't know you did those." Jack: "Ha - you gotta work for them."

"The sad thing is, I can tell he's lying not because of the library part? But because he'd never leave a pie unattended."

"Oh and Bittle, before I forget. This summer? Eat more protein."

"When you get Youtube famous don't go out and chirp me all over the internet, eh? 'Night."

"How many of those tweets do you start with oh my god y'all?"

"It's way too easy to make you laugh. Make sure you tweet that." [looks over Bitty's shoulder to make sure he tweets that]

[texts Bitty a smiley face] [follows up with:] "Sorry that was a typo."

"You only tweeted twice while we were working, Bittle. That's a record."

[Bitty gets knocked over] "I guess you're looking for extra checking practice, eh, Bittle?"

"We should get going and let Bittle here text about his walk to class."

Bitty: "E-excuse you, but my kitchen is no place for checking!" Jack: "…Your kitchen?" Bitty: "Well, the kitchen! Now move your big -- uhm." Jack: "My big…?"

[At Thanksgiving] "All that turkey's gonna make you slow for tomorrow, Chowder."

[To a kid wearing a Brad Marchand jersey while asking for Jack's autograph] "You know this isn't me, right?"

"17." [At Bitty's confusion:] "That's the number of pies you baked in September. In case you were wondering where your time went."

"I'm sure you'd be done [with your history essay] too if you had tweeted it. Is that an option?"

[looks at Bitty's tweets] "I said where'd you get that camera not is that the camera you use. Come on, Bittle."

[finds Bitty's surprise cookies] "I'm surprised your cookies got through costumes Bittle."

"I told my mom about all your tweeting? She says you're not following her. I'm more surprised than offended, Bittle."

"Shitty, don't you think I should get a tweet transcript or something since he quotes me so much? For legal purposes."

"Hey, Bittle. That Daily reporter didn't rope you into an interview after that jump?"

[after meeting Farmer] "She was nice, eh? Cute. …I bet you're texting about our lunch now."

[Nursey accidentally hits a kid in the face with his hockey bag] "Nice check, Nurse."

[in the middle of the night] "I figured you'd be up baking a pie or three."

[Bitty gets shoe-checked] "Hey, it's no shoes, no shirt, no service, Bittle."

"Whose shoulders are you going to sit on at Spring C, Bittle?"

[Shitty tears up while kissing the ice] "Crying a bit there, eh?"

[SMH buy Bitty a new oven] Bitty: "I need to bake something right this second!" Jack: "Stop crying first."

"If we move the kitchen table out, you can bring your bed in."

[About graduating] "The biggest change is probably my diet. Less pie."

"And hey, it's a bit different than you and Lardo, eh? Since everyone knew you were in love with her since sophomore year."

[during Falcs Faceoff] Teammate: "Heard you've never lost one a these, I'm scared." Jack: "Yeah, you should be."

[Gets chirped for dating Bitty] "This is a Samwell hockey record. Chirps lasting longer than the ones re: Holster & Esther S." Holster: "…Jack." Jack: ":)"

Nursey: "Yo, Bitty do you remember any French?" Jack: "No." Bitty: "I can speak for myself, Mr. Zimmermann." Jack: "Well. Not in French."

[To Marty & Thirdy] "Hauling your kids around on a sled just about wore you guys out, eh?"

[To Tater] "Potato champ needs more sleep, eh?"

"Bitty? Hey, bud, come on, say something -" [Bitty passes out] "Or you can pass out at center ice. I'm getting deja vu."

[thenixkat]

[id: A page from the Justice League of America comic with four panels featuring Ted Kord, Blue Beetle 2, in his room in the middle of getting dressed in his superhero costume.

Panel 1- Ted Kord, partly dressed in his superhero uniform missing only his cowl and gloves stops and stares at his reflection in shock. His top is grinding up the curve of his gut. Ted: I knew this costume was getting tight--but this is ridiculous! Must've shrunk in the wash or something... yeah, shrunk in the wash. Right. Time t'face facts, Ted-- you've been avoiding this for months and it's finally caught up with you-- --you're a fatty.

Panel 2- Close up of Ted's face as he holds a hand up to his face in horror and disgust. His reflection in the mirror in the background looks at him judgmentally. Ted: All the dysfunctional eating habits of your childhood have come back to haunt you! That fat little boy who's been hiding inside me is back-- and ready to binge! You can't let him get you, Ted. Remember all the jokes in grade school? "Lardo" Kord they called me. Remember in gym, when they said you weren't physically fit... you were physically fat?

Panel 3- Close-up of Ted's hands as he goes through his dresser to look for a top that fits. Ted: Well, I'm not going through that again! Wasn't till I got out of college that I pulled myself together, lost weight. Took some pride in myself. Darn good thing I still got this old college sweatshirt around to cover up the bulge.

Panel 4- Ted pulls on the sweatshirt, his face sad. Ted: Sweatshirt? Heck, it's more like a tent! I can't believe I used to dress like this all the time... oversized clothes to cover up my embarrassing body. I was the only kid on my block who shopped in maternity stores! Yeah, that's it-- joke your way through it like you did then. Maybe if you can make 'em laugh, they won't reject you--

/end id]

ok! I finally found the fucking issue I've been looking 4. Issue 52 of Justice League America.

Did I go through an entire comic run to find this specific issue for horny curiosity? Yes. Could I have just looked up actual porn and had a much easier time? Also yes. But that's not how my brain works. Did it satisfy my curiosity? Yes. Did it satisfy my horny? No, the dude needs therapy, the artists need to learn how to be consistent and also match what the writers are writing. Good fucking lords that was frustrating.

RIP to Ted Kord maybe someday he'll get a writer who'll let him be ok with having some chub. B/c ooo weee the internalized fatphobia, the body dysmorphia, the depression that dude needs to be treated for. Cause like, outside of the binge eating he was doing while depressed and unemployed (and thus also not exercising) which came after this, if someone is doing that much fucking exercising which being a superhero is, and getting chubby from normal eating habits then perhaps yer supposed to be a bit thick my dude? (like we know he diets to have like visible abs, so if not starving himself means he gets a gut then like that's likely the more natural and healthier shape for yer body to be in my guy )

Also like he's fucking * ripped * everywhere but his stomach, stop saying he's out of shape!

[transwicky]

Prince Wicky AU Chapter 7

Read on AO3

Wicky didn’t say anything when Nursey, Dex, and Chowder came over the first week of being back on campus. They had knocked, and Henry had narrowed his eyes, but let the three in, and when Wicky looked up from eating lunch, he’d been expecting Ollie. Instead, he got the frogs. “Oh, hey guys.” He said, blinking. “Hey. Ollie here yet?” Nursey asked, and Wicky shook his head. “Nah.” He said, “I haven’t heard from him in a bit, actually. I’m kind of worried.” “I’m sure he’s fine, Wicks.” Dex said, rolling his eyes, and Chowder looked confused. “They’re dating, C.” Nursey said, amused, and Chowder’s eyes widened. “Wh- you never said!” Chowder cried, and Wicky snorted. “Because our relationship is nobody’s business.” He said, as Dex and Nursey sat down, and Nursey tugged Chowder to sit. “Lardo fines the shit outta us anyways.” “Good thing you can afford it.” Jacob said, walking in – on his phone –and Wicky huffed. “Please tell me you’re talking to Raptor.” He begged. “Nope.” The man said, and Wicky groaned. “Bro… Please just ask Raptor out.” Dex said, and Wicky flung his arm out, motioning to Dex. “He is saying- Do you know how- ASK HIM OUT!” Wicky cried, and Chowder blinked. “Wait, he’s the guy Raptor’s got a thing for?” Chowder asked. “Yes.” Henry said, walking in with the newspaper. “Frankie called; their flight was canceled and the second one was delayed.” The prince groaned.

read the rest on AO3

[aneddoticamagazinestuff]

ORAZIO, SATIRA II, 6 - Il topo di campagna ed il topo di città

New Post has been published on https://www.aneddoticamagazine.com/it/orazio-satira-ii-6-il-topo-di-campagna-ed-il-topo-di-citta/

ORAZIO, SATIRA II, 6 - Il topo di campagna ed il topo di città

“Cervio, il vicino, in mezzo a questi discorsi, si diverte a raccontare le favole della nonna, in base all’argomento. Se qualcuno, infatti, loda le ricchezze di Arellio, senza sapere quanto affaticano, comincia così:

‘ C’era una volta un topo di campagna, che aveva accolto un amico, un topo di città, nella sua disadorna tana, stando pronto ed attento alle richieste dell’amico, tentando di ammorbidirne le difficili esigenze con gesti ospitali. Perché farla lunga? non lesinava né ceci messi da parte né l’avena lunga, e, portandoli con la bocca gli diede uva secca e pezzetti prelibati di lardo, mirando a vincerne l’atteggiamento schizzinoso con una cena variegata, visto che appena toccava i cibi con dente superbo, ed intanto il padrone di casa, arrampicato su un cumulo di paglia mangiava farro e loglio, lasciando all’ospite i bocconi migliori.’ “.

Per quello che ne sappiamo, il primo a far parlare gli animali in un’opera letteraria del mondo classico, fu il poeta greco Esiodo (VIII secolo a. C.) con la favoletta dell’usignolo e lo sparviero. Alla fine dell’epoca arcaica, nell’età della crisi dei regimi aristocratici, soppiantati da quelli democratici, si diffonde una raccolta di favole con animali protagonisti, attribuite ad un certo Esopo. Molte delle sue favole si ritrovano nella letteratura latina, ad opera di Fedro, del tempo di Tiberio (I secolo d.C.): dati i tempi, era pericoloso parlare di personaggi reali, ed allora si fanno parlare gli animali, chiaramente umanizzati. Insomma, per arrivare a Disney, il cammino è stato lungo. Ma sentiamo Orazio/Cervio:

” ‘ Insomma alla fine il topo cittadino dice al campagnolo: – Amico mio, che gusto ci provi, a vivere con sofferenza nel dorso di un colle franato? Non ti piacerebbe anteporre al bosco la città degli uomini? Prendi la strada, dammi retta, accompagnami, dal momento che i terrestri vivono avendo avuto in sorte una vita destinata a cadere, e non esiste né per il grande né per il piccolo scampo alcuno alla morte. Perciò, caro mio, finché si può, cerca di vivere beato nel piacere, e non dimenticare di quanto breve tempo tu sia.-“.

Il poeta qui si è fatto semiserio: l’amara riflessione sull’esistenza umana e la sua brevità, con il corollario di vivere godendosi la vita, derivante dalla filosofia edonistica, ha un sapore di parodia, da una parte, perché messa in bocca ad un sorcio, ma dall’altra è inevitabile il suo trasferimento nella condizione umana. E’ una favola, attori sono due sorci, ma il loro pensare ed agire è evidentemente e tipicamente umano. E la vena parodistica è ancora più evidente nei passi seguenti, e la parodia è dedicata alla maniera epica di narrare. Vediamo:

‘ Queste parole impressionarono il sorcio campagnolo, ed allora saltò fuori agile dalla tana: ed ecco che la coppia percorre l’itinerario proposto, desiderosi di scalare le mura della città di notte. Ed ormai la notte occupava il centro dello spazio notturno, ed entrambi mettono i piedi in una casa sontuosa, in cui un drappo tinto di rossa porpora era smagliante sopra gli eburnei triclini, e molte porzioni erano avanzate da una sontuoso cena, che giacevano da ieri in ben costruiti canestri. Dunque sistemò il sorcio campagnolo su un drappo di porpora, e alla maniera di uno schiavo succinto si dà da fare qua e là, assaggiando tutto quello che porta, e quell’altro se ne sta sdraiato ed in abbandono e si gode quella svolta di vita, e per la bontà dei manicaretti ringrazia il compiaciuto commensale. Quando di botto un fracasso di porte che si spalancano li precipita giù dai triclini, ed entrambi nel panico a correre per tutta la sala, mezzo morti e con il cuore in gola, intanto che la l’alta casa risuona di cani molossi. Allora il topo campagnolo disse: – Questa vita non fa proprio per me. Stammi bene tu, io me ne torno nella mia tana modesta e selvatica, ma bene al sicuro dai pericoli. -‘ “.

Fine del racconto di Cervio e della satira di Orazio.

[hullomoon]

hullomoon's 2023 works: part one

it’s the end of the year, which means it’s time for a work round-up! i had a pretty busy year so i didn't post as much, but i also know i did more longer works. so it probably balances out in the end. if you haven’t yet, check out my 2019 roundup, 2020 roundup, 2021 roundup, and 2022 roundup! all works are ordered in chronological posting order.

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six

[podfic] don't blow those pipes | Schitt's Creek | David/Patrick | 03:25

Patrick picks up another new instrument. David is not thrilled.

[podfic] your love is a secret i'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep | Heartstopper | Nick & Nellie, Nick/Charlie | 0:10:06

“You know, you’re technically the first person I’ve come out to. Or first… creature.” Nellie licked his face. Or, five times Nick could only talk to Nellie about his feelings for and about Charlie, and one time he found the courage to talk to a human.

[Podfic] Haus Bylaws that Need Added to the Wall: No Hanging Chads | Check, Please! | Gen | multivoice | 0:10:37

If a Chad approaches Lardo, allow her to set up fucking ruining him before pouncing. [sub a) In all cases of Chad, Shitty is wingman because Bitty punched that one Chad.] (sub b) He deserved it.) {sub c) He totally did.}

[Podfic] winter's upon us, so won't you stay? | A League of Their Own (TV) | Jo/Maybelle | multivoice | 0:23:15

“I was just so worried about you when you left,” Maybelle says, eyes wide and full of softness. “I wish I coulda been there to take care of you, honey. You deserved that. You shouldn’t have had to leave alone.” No one has wanted to take care of Jo in so long. or: jo goes to maybelle's for the holidays, and finally figures out what she wants.

snowed in with you | Schitt's Creek | Rachel/Alexis | 4,079

Rachel just wanted to get away and destress. Then she learned that someone else was already at the cabin. And then they got snowed in.

99 Podfics | Podfic Fandom | multivoice | 0:16:01

Voiceteam Mystery Box 2022 presents their project for the "It's a Trap!" challenge. The challenge was: "Create an audio fanwork with contributions from at least 90% of this round's Voiceteam Mystery Box players. If at least 90% of players contribute, every Voiceteam player gets 90 points outside of their point cap. If less than 90% of players contribute, nobody gets any points. Either way, this challenge is completely meaningless pointswise." We didn't quite get to 90%, but we did make some beautiful chaos!

you came in like a wave when i was feeling alright | Stranger Things | Steve/Eddie | 840

Eddie likes to watch the rugby team practice

[Podfic] Sherlock Sands and the Mystery of the Pie Thief | Schitt's Creek | Alexis/Twyla | multivoice | 06:19

When Twyla Sands' pumpkin pie disappears from the table, she goes on a quest to discover the thief.

[podfic] a boy, a tender age | Stranger Things | Joyce & Steve | 01:08:53

Joyce Byers loves her boys. So when she's walking down the hospital hall in the late afternoon and she looks into a room, empty save for a lone boy on the bed, she thinks, well what's one more? my 101st podfic

[podfic] Haunted Doll Watch: Magic Earring Ken Doll Edition | Supernatural & My Brother, My Brother and Me | multivoice | 0:11:10

The listing: Haunted Ken Doll Seeks Gay Owner (Lesbian or bi okay too)

[luckiedee]

Hat Trick (OMGCP Drabble)

For prompt #12 from @checkplease100: hat trick. 

Lardo stands unsteadily on the ice, trying not to move. The last thing she wants to do is bust her ass in front of the team and take a butt pillow to graduation. Across from her, Chowder waits in the crease, bulky in his pads.

“You let the last one in!” she accuses.

“No way! Come on — one more!”

Lardo lines up the last puck of the twenty she’d been challenged to. It sneaks just inside the left upright.

Cheers erupt behind her as the team pelts her with caps and beanies. She beams.

She’s gonna miss them so much.

[holtzygotback-blog]

lil debbie’s heart to heart

After a quick pit stop to the attic to drop off his backpack and toe off his shoes, Holster thunders down the steps and turns a quick corner to end up in Lardo's room. Her bed is free, luckily, and Holster heads straight to it, flopping on her soft blankets with a groan. "Lards, just let me die here." He moans, speaking into the pillows. "Or at least get me high?" In general he doesn't smoke as often as Lardo and Shitty do (no one smokes as much as Shitty does) but he's feeling up to it today.

[wpoindexter24-blog]

NUDES for the ask meme. ;)

Lardo why.

N- Have you/would you ever send nudes?

No. That’s like the worst possible idea.

U- What style of underwear do you wear?

The kind that goes under your clothes. 

D- Have you ever dated anyone?

Yeah.

E- What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever done?

So, this takes some explaining. My friends were fuckin weird in school, so like, we bet each other to do dumb shit. Well, one of them mixed up hot sauce, ranch, mayo of questionable freshness, relish, monster, and what my school passed off as “cheesesteak” and I ate it for four bucks. And then got sick.

It’s that or drank out of a toilet unknowingly because the dickhead I knew handed me a glass of water that was toilet water as a prank but that wasn’t something I did while knowing I did it so?

S- What is your weirdest sexual fantasy?

My sexual fantasy is to not be asked about my sexual fantasy again. I don’t get why that’s the most popular question.

[lassieposting]

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but what’s wrong about Landy telling people who don’t enjoy the book to read something else? I don’t think any audience is entitled to have him write for them specifically. The author has control, and if a reader dislikes the direction, then they shouldn’t continue with it. That just makes sense to me, personally.

See, I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with you there. Also please bear in mind I'm not like, having a go at you with this ultra long post I just have a lot of feelings about this and all of them are passionate.

"I don't think any audience is entitled to have him write for them specifically...the author has control."

So yes, technically the author has control. But the very point of a story is to be enjoyed and revisited. An author is, fundamentally, an entertainer. And an entertainer should care about audience enjoyment.

Now, I'm not saying that an author should cave to every incensed stan demanding they make Character A fall for Character B, or that Character C has to be ____gender or ____sexual. But if multiple readers are coming to you and saying "Hey, I get what you're trying to do here, but your story actually isn't enjoyable to read because of it, and it put me back into a depression state," that is absolutely something you should be willing to listen to, because your damn career depends on your readers wanting to a) continue buying your books, b) read them again in future and c) praise them to other people.

Like, take me as an example. When I write, I consider it a Responsibility to write something my readers - or at least most of my readers - will like. That means I do my research, I make sure everything makes sense, I check the timeline lines up, I lovingly develop the characters I write about. For the Handbook, I've asked which characters the fandom would like to see included and taken on board the feedback I'm given, even if I don't always follow it. Like, there are some people on tumblr who really love the less-developed necromancers like Quiver and Craven, and they wanted more necromancer content. I have no thoughts on Quiver and Craven, but I've expanded the section on the necromancer order (which I do have thoughts about) so they'll hopefully still have something to enjoy, even if it's not the specific thing they wanted. I've spent months crafting detailed backstories, creating in-universe resources, putting together an exquisite (if I do say so myself) timeline that works not only with canon (as best as anything can work with the abomination that is the canon timeline) but also with real life events. And I've done all that shit because I want it to be something the reader will enjoy and want to read again.

And? I'm a fanfic writer on an obscure little platform. I'm not getting paid for any of this. I'm expecting this project - to which I've dedicated a year of my life so far - to get maybe...<15 likes and two or three reblogs, if I'm lucky. For a year's worth of work. But I love this universe, and I love these characters, and I want to do them justice. I want as many people as possible to freak out because this was what they wanted.

Lardo? Now he is getting paid. He is getting paid more than enough to care, just a little, about his characters, his world, and his readers' enjoyment. He should care about those things, because they pay his bills.

But he doesn't care, and it's painfully obvious, because if he did he'd put in some effort. Phase Two, next to Phase One, is an appalling degradation in quality. Phase Two is packed with glaring mistakes, a timeline that completely contradicts itself (Skug's father was imprisoned in Coldheart 300 years before Coldheart could've been built, y'all) and retcons most of Phase One, 2D characters with little to no substance or personality, and bizarre plotlines that make no sense and show up with no buildup. Contrast that to Phase One - plotlines being hinted at or set up three, four, five books in advance, characters so intricate we still love them fifteen years later, a...vaguely cohesive...attempt to make things line up.

And it's not like he can't fix these things. Hell, I made the entire timeline for him and fixed it to make it work, and he credited it in the Grimoire, but he clearly didn't pay any attention or use any of it, because he fucked the timeline up even worse in the book he intended to fix it.

No - he just doesn't care. And that hurts! As someone who actually loves these characters, it hurts that he doesn't think they deserve the justice of a truly well-written story anymore. As a reader who's been on this wagon since the first book came out in '07, it hurts that he doesn't think we deserve well-written books, and it hurts even more as a depressed person who's invested A Lot of money in this series over the years that his response to hearing people - all of whom were far nicer and more eloquent about it than I would've been - explain that they weren't able to enjoy the new book was essentially to snark, "Well you're not welcome here anymore anyway. I have my new following of sycophantic twitter 14yos, I don't need you. So long and thanks for all the cash."

Because when you spend nine years cultivating a fandom, you do have a responsibility to them. These aren't just randoms who picked up one (1) book of yours and decided to shit all over it. These are people who have supported you for years, who know your style and the quality of your series and who, quite honestly, probably remember all the tiny minutiae about your characters better than you do, especially if you're someone like Lardo who admits that he doesn't reread his own books. These are people who want to love your new book, and have been excited for it to release, and they want you to do well and keep producing great stories like the ones that have kept them as fans for so many years. So if they're telling you that your new shit isn't up to snuff or that they're now being harmed by something they've always loved, that's an indicator that something is wrong. If you listen to them, and you're willing to engage and acknowledge their concerns and let them love your world as much as you ought to, they can be a fantastic resource to tap. God, fandoms are wonderful. Even fandoms as toxic and divided as this one. Fandoms can serve as a thermometer for how good your new stuff is - you're always going to get some criticism, you can't please everyone, but as long as most of your fanbase is happy and praising you, you know you're good.

And there were so many other ways for Lardo to handle the fan complaints that might've kept him some of those fans. The tactful thing to do would have been to show them that he was listening when they said that the val miserable self-pity arc was bad for mental health. He could've played up the positive bits in the book, or teased the direction he wanted things to go in the future, like a Hang in there, it will get better, this is a process type thing. Even just "I'm sorry you had a bad experience because of my book, I hear you and I'll take your comments on board."

But when you decide to disrespect those fans who've invested so much time and energy and love and money and soul into the world you created, when you decide to tell them that actually, they're not welcome anymore, get lost, you're not just suggesting they find something else to read. You're telling them that they've wasted fifteen years of investing their love and their heart in your creation. You're telling them that you're ungrateful for the success they carried you to, and that you don't value the support you've received, and that you know your new stuff sucks and you just don't care.

So when you disrespect your fans like that, you are going to end up with a whole chunk of your fanbase who despise you, and refuse to support you by buying your stuff, and who don't respect any of your decisions regarding your world and your characters. Because - once a world is out there, it's not just yours anymore, and you don't have full control. They will develop their own worlds and tell their own stories will those characters, without you, and they will pass their headcanons on to other people who will pass them on again, and it will be beautiful. They won't fall out of the fandom because you've made it clear your books aren't for them anymore and they aren't welcome. They'll just keep creating, and they'll do it without you.

(Case in point: Ginger Skug - Lardo hates it, but we've all decided to ignore him. He could outright confirm that Skug is blond, and we'd all ignore him. Same as we've all ignored the reveal that Larrikin's last name is Fetter. Nope - fanon says his first name is Rover, so most of us have ended up going with that. Nobody cares that you decided otherwise, Lardo.)

Worse, when the newbies arrive? The old ex-fans tell them about your history of mistreating your fanbase, because fandoms don't forget. They remember every dodgy relationship, every insensitive turn of phrase, every time you let someone get dogpiled for something they didn't do, every time you stole someone's ideas and had to be bullied into giving credit, every time you used an underage fan's OC without permission and made them Serpine's fuckbuddy. They remember when you deliberately ship-bait with no intention of ever making it a possibility (and good god, will they be salty about that one). All the shiny new fans you've gained who don't know how much of an asshole you are, and think the sun shines out of your behind? They'll innocently ask why everyone seems to hate you so much, and they'll be told everything, and they don't look at you the same afterwards.

Like, Lardo's canon has become irrelevant. We used to - and still do - hyperanalyse tiny little interactions from Phase One. But almost nobody can tell the Phase Two books apart, or remember the characters' names who are introduced in each one. Look at the fan content being produced. It's virtually all either Phase One centric, or it's a Phase Two do-over/fix-it/AU. We're all cherrypicking bits to keep and bits to toss, or ignoring it all. We're giving these characters the stories they deserve, and Lardo isn't invited. He's gone from the fandom's "Golden God" to just...the much-hated gargoyle figure we all laugh about and bond over slating. The one thing that unites valdug shippers and valdug antis, the two most irreconcilable groups in this fandom? They both hate Lardo.

And that is why you should care about audience enjoyment.

[randomnoteforfuturereference]

Welcome to the Team

This is a little something that's been in the works for a bit, but it's been @birlcholtz's OMGCP Friendship Week that helped push it to the finish. Granted... I missed the event itself...

Also acknowledgements need to be given to @airplanesandcookies for not just creating the whole concept of Dex patrol in the first place, but also actually making the request for a Ford-does-Dex-Patrol... a couple years ago.

And lastly, I usually make a sketch for Ace Week, but thought it appropriate to finish this as my contribution instead. I've been lucky to have some key folks in my corner for this.

Anywhoo... hope y'all enjoy.

_X_X_X_X_X_X_

“I know you’re not officially starting right now.”

“But we think that it’s important that we make you at home as much as possible.”

“So with Spring C coming up, it’s always important that you don’t be alone.”

When I signed up to be the Samwell Men’s Hockey team’s manager, I expected a lot. Larissa—Lardo — Who comes up with these names? — as much. She also said that what happens at the interpersonal level and in the Haus is just as important as my soon-to-be official duties and that it’d be best to bond with the team as soon as possible.

I’d have thought the best way to ease into a sports team would be to simply attend games and practices — “You will be doing that as well," she had told me. "Don’t worry about that.” — but I get it. Getting to know people outside of the job was what I did with theater after all.

Except my theater roles didn’t involve navigating through a crowd — really should have gotten here early — filled with people in various stages of inebriation.

I kinda wish Lardo was here to help out, but she had to see someone in Boston. She could have helped to deal with these two hockey players — those same two graduating seniors that were yelling at each other during my interview — trying to play matchmaker with me.

I’m about to explain why that may not work — all while gilding myself for the expected chore of explaining and defending that reason — when a gruff voice speaks up behind me:

“Ford’s supposed to be on chaperone duty with me. Gonna show her the ropes.”

I turn to see William Poindexter — Dex — with a bottle of Gatorade in hand and a stony scowl aimed right at us.

Lardo’s words ring in my mind: “Even if you hadn’t already met Dex, he’s one of the easier dudes to be with.”

Which… those are weird words to apply to a fucking grumpy giant but okay.

I mean, look at him. Yeah, a book shouldn’t be judged by its cover, but the cover does do a lot of the legwork in setting first impressions.

When I was being interviewed for the manager position, Lardo was of course heading it. And that blond guy, Bitty, seemed to be there to provide a personal touch.

Dex though. Dex just scowled and loomed; only really speaking towards the end when he requested that I demonstrate my shouting skills and noted that I apparently understood hockey players. Part of me wondered if he was there to serve as a bouncer to eject unqualified applicants.

With the way his eyes go from me, to his two captains, then panning across the room… I still wonder if he’s itching for an excuse to bounce someone.

And then there are the eyes. On screen or illustrated in a book, eyes of that shade are magical.

But in real life? In real life, they are unsettling.

Or maybe it’s just the way Dex scowls with them.

Either way, I’m trying to figure out what Lardo saw in him. There must be something, and I’m going to have to figure out how to work with these guys anyways, so I just have to put those thoughts on the back burner for now.

And I can’t say I’m not thankful for the intercession.

The two seniors are a bit less thankful — scratch that, they aren’t even bothering to hide their disappointment — but that’s replaced by two matching grins that are too knowing for my liking, and the shorter one pipes, “Sure, Dex. About time--”

Dex’s voice gains an irritated edge: “When I mean show her the ropes, I mean work.”

That earns matching pouts from the seniors, and the big blond guy bends over to tell me, “If Mr. All Work and No Play here starts bumming you out, let us know.”

“I’m sure she will,” Dex grumbles back while nodding to me to follow him back to the porch.

“So what’s chaperone duty?” I ask as we get back outside into the cooler air.

“Just making sure everyone is safe. Especially if someone needs to be accompanied back to their place. Maybe even dd-ing later on if we have to.”

“Ah,” I nod, “that makes sense.”

Dex grunts and takes a sip. “It also involves stepping in if someone’s clearly uncomfortable.”

Wait. I raise an eyebrow at him, and those bigass ears of his go red.

“Ransom and Holster are good guys,” he sighs. “But they really don’t know how to stop matchmaking. ”

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate that.” Honestly, I probably could have gotten out of the situation myself, but I never mind a shortcut. “Does that mean…”

“Oh, Lardo still wanted you to join me in chaperone duty,” he answers with a shrug. “I guess you’re just joining early.”

All in all, it’s straightforward. And I'm pretty sure Dex prefers it that way. I can recall Lardo mentioning that he usually likes to hang out with two other friends. But since they seem not to be here, he's content at patrolling the kegster from along the walls. Mostly just to male sure the Haus does't get wrecked or that anyone gets hurt. Sometimes he does kick people out when they are too rowdy or combative. But usually he helps guide people back home. And I end up helping to make our charges comfortable on their way back.

It doesn't take long to get a hand of it, and I can’t say I mind. I'm not much of a partier, and this t gives me something to do.

And after a period of time, Dex loosens up a bit, we get chatting, and I begin to see how Dex is easy to deal with. When he’s not irritable — and I get the feeling that lots of people irritate him — he has a reserved energy that isn't overbearing. And when prompted, he can be conversational.

It's especially outside in the quieter night, while we are walking back to the Haus after an escort run, that convos flow best. I find out a bit about him and his family. He finds out a bit about me and mine. We both find out that a few of his cousins serve under my mom back in San Diego, and that seems to relax him further.

Things are relaxed enough that, while we stroll in the dark of the midnight, I feel comfortable bringing up my place in the team:

“... and I'll admit that I wondered how an ace like me could fit in.” I laugh before realizing what I just said.

A small frown appears on Dex’s face. Shit. Did I speak too soon? “I know you’re good at what you do, but isn’t it kinda… presumptuous to call yourself an ace?”

I can’t help but snort at that. Lardo did warn me that he might be a bit behind the times: “He’s not hateful nor should he be coddled,” she had said. “And I’m not telling you to take any bullshit. But just be prepared that, even for a white boy, he may be new to stuff.”

So I clarify, “As in ‘asexual’.”

Poindexter stops walking. “What?”

Oh boy… here we go. I feel the regret of mentioning things in the first place as that convo is rarely smooth, even— hell, especially here in Samwell. And Lardo did also affirm to me that I’m not obligated to explain anything to the lot of them. But now that the ball’s rolling, I can’t help but delve in. “Asexual. You know… the lack of sexual attraction?”

Dex’s eyes get bigger. “As in… you have no desire to have sex?”

Something in his voice puts me on notice, but not in a bad way. Because while it’s laced with disbelief and hesitancy, it’s not the contemptuous or dismissive sort that I’ve always dealt with… usually followed by a “you don’t really know until you’ve tried” or “you just need to find the right person”.

If anything, Dex’s hesitancy sounds like… hope?

That makes my words come out smoother: “Yeah. I mean… if I’m dating someone, we can probably work something out. But I don’t have any urge to find someone and…” I mime some motions.

Said motions make his face briefly scrunch up, giving him the look of a cranky bunny. “But you still want to date?”

“Sure. I’m not aromantic.” I can see the confusion flit across his face again — I doubt he’d win any poker game — so before he even asks, I add, “Attraction isn’t just sexual. You also can have a romantic axis. So while aromantic aces — ie not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship — are probably the most stereotypical kind, there are aces who are heteromantic, biromantic, and so on.”

“So if someone has never wanted in sex or even making out… but still gets crushes… he’s still an ace?”

I don’t miss the pronoun, and its presence puts together several puzzle pieces in my mind. But instead of directing attention to that, I just note, “Yep. And of course, even asexuality isn’t all or nothing. Aces can appreciate someone’s physical appearance or even get aroused.”

I mean, let’s be real, Dex’s eyes may be off-putting, and those ears may heighten his social awkwardness… but you’d have to be blind to miss that leg-to-body and shoulder-to-waist ratio. Or that muscle. Or that butt.

Granted, the whole team is one big peach orchard.

But I digress.

“Think of it like a nice piece of art,” I add. “You think it looks nice. It may even stir something emotional within you. But…”

“But I have no desire to fuck it,” Dex completes.

“Exactly!” I pipe, and in the wake of that, I can see as plain as day the lightbulb going off in Dex’s mind.

“‘Asexual’…” The word barely comes out in a whisper. “It’s… actually called that?”

“Yea-AAAHH!” My voice turns into a squeak as two bigass arms envelop and swing me around in a crushing embrace. Emphasis on crushing.

Still, despite feeling like I’m being pressed in a vice, what I register most is the sound of delighted laughter ringing out.

The bright quality to that laughter sounds so much at odds with the grumpy reserved dude I’ve been used to earlier that I can’t help but look up to behold a wide and joyous grin that softens all of the hard edges usually etched on his face. Hell, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen him smile in general.

I also swear I hear a “thank you” there.

Dex seems to finally register what he's doing, as he goes red and gently sets me down.

"Sorry 'bout that," he grunts.

"It's alright," I wheeze. Seriously, how can someone feel so muscular and bony at the same time? "So… I take it you're…"

"Ayuh… I mean, it's hard telling not knowing." Holy shit that's a thick accent. Dex probably hears it as well, because his brows pinch together, and his voice shifts to something sounding more like before: "I never been interested in sex or just hooking up. Thought it was just a weird quirk. Though it’s funny it’s called that."

What.

“I mean, we got hetero… homo… bisexuals. So I briefly called myself an asexual. But that couldn’t make sense. Asexuals are creatures that reproduce without--”

“Wait,” I interject while holding up my finger to keep him quiet. “How long have you just dismissed your own sexual orientation… something inherent to your very being… as a ‘quirk’?”

Dex shuffles his feet and mutters, “Bout six years.”

Good fucking grief this team is full of morons.

“So you’re telling me that the label crossed your mind… including two years of being here in Samwell… and you didn’t think of simply googling it?”

The shuffling intensifies, and if those ears were red before, now they are deep crimson. “Never got around to looking it up. I mean, it doesn't affect my day to day. Hell, if anything I thought it a blessing. I mean… have you seen how they get without sex?” Dex punctuates that by gesturing vaguely at the parties around us.

I mean… point. Sometimes the horniness of the allos — I’d argue that theater kids can go toe to toe against jocks in that department any day — can be downright ridiculous. And I will be the first to admit that for all its emphasis on being inclusiven and queer-friendly, the campus culture of Samwell frequently upholds a narrow definition of accepted queerness. Sure, there are spaces for aces — haha — but you have to actively look for them. So I can imagine how someone like Dex, who’s not exactly sociable even if he weren't in an already-insular group, wouldn’t have access to resources here.

“And if I get a crush, no big deal,” he continues to ramble. “Let that pang pass. No need to bring a boy back ho-- … Oh.”

Dex freezes in place, and for a moment, I wonder why he has stopped talking. But then the realization sinks in just as I can see the color draining from his face and his breathing hastening.

Oh. Oh shit.

“Hey. It’s alright.” Despite having at least a foot, and probably around a hundred pounds, on me, he actually steps back when I approach him.

“Don’t tell anyone.” His voice comes out in a whisper. An actual plaintive whisper. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

I admit that a part of me is baffled that this is something he’s scared about considering that Eric is openly gay without issue. Still I try to offer an assurance. “I won’t. I won’t say anything.” When I don’t get a response -- he doesn’t express any blatant sign of disbelief, but the way that he says nothing but just continues scratching at his arms doesn’t exactly fill me with encouragement -- I add, “Hey, you trusted me enough to talk about being ace. I trusted you enough to take the time and explain. Right?”

I must have said the right thing, as that earns a little nod from him. “Right.”

“So can you trust me here?”

Probably only a couple seconds pass -- I’ll admit that it feels longer -- before I’m answered by a firmer nod, which in turn earns a sigh of relief from me. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually his breaths slow back to normal, as does his complexion.

“I’m sorry I reacted like that,” he mumbles.

“Nothing to be sorry about.” Again, I still find it a bit curious, but everyone has their reasons, and nobody should feel obligated to be out.

“If you’re wondering… I know I’m gay. I’ve known and been fine with that since I was twelve. I’m not in denial. I don’t think I’m broken or a sinner or whatever other bullshit the assholes say.”

“But… let me guess… nobody knows and you want to keep it that way.”

He just nods his head, and I breathe out a low huff. Again, I’m not going to judge, but I still can’t imagine those close to me not knowing. Mom and Dad have been nothing but supportive; same goes for Erik and Isaiah for all their brashness.

It’s like Dex can read view my internal thoughts as he adds, “I’m pretty sure my folks aren’t homophobic. My brother was even in the gay-straight alliance in school. And I know how much the team accepts Bitty.”

“But there’s always the ‘what if’.”

He nods. “And I know if I come out to the team, they’d be asking why I’m not with someone.”

“So it’s not just about being gay. You’d rather your asexuality be under wraps as well.”

He scrubs his hand over his face and groans, “Yeah. I know it sounds weird, but I don’t want to deal with justifying myself. Which probably makes me a hypocrite. Because I appreciate you explaining it all to me, because I know I wouldn’t have the patience.”

“Not weird at all. I definitely get that. I myself don’t always bother explaining.” I lucked out with Dex here, but there are far too many times where talking about asexuality ended with it still being dismissed. “I assume you go with the ‘I’m busy’ defense?”

That gets a bark of laughter and nod from him. “I mean… I am busy. But yeah. It gets everyone off my ass.”

That last sentence earns a snort from me: “Phrasing.”

Holy shit, okay. If this white boy was expressive before, now his face journey from confusion to realization and horror is absolutely epic. It’s like witnessing a compressed version of the five stages of grief.

“Jesus Christ…” Though as he mutters that, I can see his lips twitching.

“Hey, you walked right into that one,” I laugh. Before long, both of us are in hysterics. Part of it is just this ridiculousness, but the other part is the sheer sense of relief of finding someone else out there. A sense of relief that I feel Dex shares.

“Well… are you busy now?” My question gives him pause, and he narrows his eyes. At which I laugh, “No, I’m not asking you out. Just wondering if you want to just hang out.”

“Oh, haha. Okay that makes more sense. Now in general? Or right now?”

“Right now. Tonight. Or this morning. Whatever.”

“Well… I think we probably have an hour or two before the kegster finally winds down. But after that, we should probably be free to kick back. Besides, there's something I wanted to give you. A little welcome to the team. And…” His brows pinch together. “Huh…”

“What is it?” Also what is it that he wants to give me.

Dex flexes and twiddles his fingers before answering: “You want to go out with me?”

What. “What.”

He quickly waves his hands. “Wait. No. I don’t mean go out go out. Just for Spring C. We wouldn’t actually be dating. But we would look like it.”

Ah okay. “So you mean a fake date.”

“I guess so? Either way, we just show up with each other, and they’ll probably assume that we are actually dating.”

“And they’ll stop pestering us.”

“Exactly. And if you find someone else, we can easily break it off.”

That’s… honestly a good idea. And not gonna lie, from what I hear about Spring C, I would feel safer with a guy like Dex around. Though… “Will we have to… demonstrate that we’re dating?”

Dex scrunches his face again and vigorously shakes his head. “No. Hell no. If anything, PDA is against the bylaws.”

Honestly, I’m not even surprised that there’s such a hookup culture and an aversion to actually showing affection. Oh well, whatever. “Alright.”

“Alright?”

I hold out my hand. “Alright.”

After we shake on it, we go back on patrol. By two though, there is less need. Sure, there are those who need chaperoned. But soon, as the morning gets all the more crisp, even that responsibility wanes. Hell, Dex even takes a couple detours to the kitchen during this. Once it becomes clear that everyone has either left or are clearly hunkering down in the Haus, Dex lets out a big huff. “Looks like we’re free.”

“Awesome. Let’s get something to drink.”

"Waidaminnute. Wanted to give this first." And at his beckoning, I follow him to the kitchen.

No matter the fact that I've been here a couple times, I never fail to be struck with how… homey this space is. Especially for being part of what’s essentially a jock frat. And somehow, it doesn't lose that feel under the onslaught of the kegster.

That's evident by the fact that it doesn't smell like sweat and booze like the rest of the Haus. That's kept at bay by a rich and sweet scent.

A scent that gets stronger when Dex rummages at a counter.

"Made this earlier today… well… yesterday… and actually wanted to bake it tomorrow. Today. Whatever. But… couldn't wait." He actually has to unlatch a padlock. "And I know Bitty will feed you a lot. He feeds all of us. But still wanted to contribute. Here we are."

He pulls out an… I fucking kid you not… open-face blueberry pie. Fresh enough to still have steam rising from it.

"Welcome to the team, Ford."

Once I take a bite, I imagine this is what the allos feel like in bed.

The noises that come out of my mouth certainly sound like them.

…

Half-an-hour, one slice of pie, and a couple cups of tub juice later, Dex reveals a few more tidbits about himself:

One: he has a way lower alcohol tolerance than me.

Two: alcohol makes him a lot more animated and talkative than his awkward and reserved demeanor while sober.

Three: alcohol also lifts the repression that he shackles his speech with, because that accent is back in full force. Hell, I’m pretty sure it’s peppered with a different language.

Four: he has strong opinions on the set design of our play, which he had watched — with the rest of the team… which is something I largely regret — last week.

“… I mean, if it’s supposed to take place during the early Victorian era, there shouldn’t be Edwardian buildings in the backdrop!”

Oh yeah, and five: he’s really obsessed about architecture.

“Maybe I can introduce you to our set designer, and we can discuss it over?” I suggest. And if I’m honest, he does have a lot of good ideas.

Dex mulls that over for a second. “Or maybe we can go there right now, and I can make better backgrounds.”

“What.”

Wait, where the hell did he get that toolbox, and how long has he been holding it?

Suddenly, some words from Lardo come back to me:

“If Dex gets drunk, keep him away from tools. Any tools. Power tools. Hand tools. Anything that involves repair or construction.”

I hadn’t thought much about it at the time — hell, the whole idea of Dex Patrol sounded as cryptic as “Nursey Patrol”, whatever the hell that is — but now that warning screams within my racing mind. Something tells me that letting this just play out will be a bad idea. But something also tells me that trying to physically wrest that toolbox from his grasp would be an exercise in futility… And no, it’s not just because of our size difference.

What was the other thing she said about Dex Patrol? Ah!

I quickly guide him into Lardo’s room. Lo and behold, there’s a drawer that is actually fucking labeled: “Dex Patrol”. When I pull it open, I’m greeted by paper, pencils and other sketching tools, and even modeling supplies.

“Why are we here? I thought we’re going to the PAC?”

I hand Dex a sketchbook and tell him, “If you want to do a project, you need to draft it out first, right?”

He scowls a bit at the sketch book, and for a moment I wonder if this even works. A few seconds later though, he shrugs and concedes, “Can’t argue with that.”

Over the next hour, I find something else out: for someone who is super inebriated, Dex can actually make pretty damn good sketches. Of course I suspect that the lines are a bit cleaner and less loopy when he’s sober. But still, he puts enough detail into his work that I can tell what he’s going for.

Also I won’t lie; there’s something absolutely adorable about the way he sticks his tongue out and practically plasters his face to the paper he’s drawing on.

Before long, Dex’s manic focus mellows into a relaxed state, and he gets done sketching. With a promise to show them to my department — and I am actually going to show them to my department; they are that good — I put his sketches into a folder.

Holy shit, it’s already five.

“I know you just got here, but you’re gonna be a great manager.”

I turn toward Dex’s voice to see him sprawled out on the floor. All that tension in his body just bleeding away into the floorboards.

“Thanks.” I mean it.

“And you’re gonna be a great friend.” He sits up for a moment. “Are we friends?”

“Yeah.” I mean that as well. “I think you’ll be a great friend as well.”

That earns a sloppy grin from him, and it strikes me that, while he’s relaxed and content, those eyes actually look nice.

As Dex’s eyes close and breathing evens out, one thought strikes me:

I’m going to like it here.

[hullomoon]

hullomoon’s vt mysterybox 2022 works

posting just in time for vt 2023 to start (time got away from me, what can i say?)

[podfic] and yet i love her | A League of Their Own | Max/Esther | mature | 15:27

“You need to get up now or I’ll be keeping you in bed all day,” Es says with a lascivious grin. It’s an empty threat, and they both know it - it’s not like they could ever risk being caught in here together, but it’s enough to make Max laugh and swing her legs over the edge of the bed.

“Save that for after we win the game,” she tells her, and begins to dress before they can distract each other.

(‘I love you’, Esther said. No woman has ever told Max they love her before.)

—-

Esther says 'I love you’; Max wonders if she’s ready to say it back.

[podfic] i wanna make a supersonic man (out of you) | Stranger Things | Lucas & Steve | 22:01

Lucas is the man of the group, he knows this. He’s got to be the man, like Steve, and wear polos and khakis and come between evil and the weak and be a lady killer and a charming, funny, sweet guy. Like Steve who has started hanging out with Eddie Munson and getting piercings and wearing eyeliner and not being the man Lucas thought he was.

“Steve is that an earring?” says Dustin, at one of his highest pitches, slap bang in the middle of one of Eddie’s tirades.

Everyone pauses. Number one, you never interrupt Eddie, especially not during D&D. Number two, what? (Lucas has strong suspicions he can’t let Max ever find out about this, or she’s going to break-up with him and become a full-time Steve admirer.)

They all lean forwards.

Steve shifts slightly uncomfortably, but he looks amused. “Yeah.” He shrugs. And there it is, a single tiny silver hoop in his left ear. Lucas stares, amazed.

“You’re a guy,” says Lucas, without thinking about it.

Steve only laughs. “I am aware, Lucas, thank you.”

[podfic] Exactly Like You | Check Please! | Bitty/Kent | 09:12

in which, Kent V Parson is an ENORMOUS sap. But quietly, inside his head, because he knows being all possessive and shit is not Healthy Relationship Goals and he is trying for that. Eric is worth trying for.

[podfic] Things We Do For Love | Stranger Things | Dustin & Steve, Steddie | 04:57

When Steve starts to feel a little left out of the 'nerd culture’ talk and references, Dustin helps him catch up on the most important bit

[podfic] don’t blow those pipes | Schitt’s Creek | David/Patrick | 03:25

Patrick picks up another new instrument. David is not thrilled.

[podfic] your love is a secret i’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep | Heartstopper | Nick & Nellie, Nick/Charlie | 10:06

“You know, you’re technically the first person I’ve come out to. Or first… creature.”

Nellie licked his face.

Or, five times Nick could only talk to Nellie about his feelings for and about Charlie, and one time he found the courage to talk to a human.

[Podfic] Haus Bylaws that Need to be Added to the Wall: No Hanging Chads | Check Please! | Gen | 10:37

If a Chad approaches Lardo, allow her to set up fucking ruining him before pouncing. [sub a) In all cases of Chad, Shitty is wingman because Bitty punched that one Chad.] (sub b) He deserved it.) {sub c) He totally did.}

[Podfic] winter’s upon us, so won’t you stay? | A League of Their Own | Maybelle/Jo | multivoice | 23:15

“I was just so worried about you when you left,” Maybelle says, eyes wide and full of softness. “I wish I coulda been there to take care of you, honey. You deserved that. You shouldn’t have had to leave alone.”

No one has wanted to take care of Jo in so long.

or: jo goes to maybelle's for the holidays, and finally figures out what she wants.

[Podfic] Sherlock Sands and the Mystery of the Pie Thief | Schitt’s Creek | Alexis/Twyla | multivoice | 06:19

When Twyla Sands' pumpkin pie disappears from the table, she goes on a quest to discover the thief.

[luckiedee]

Flora (OMGCP Drabble)

For prompt #9 from @checkplease100: flora. Kind of gen, but implied/mentions of Zimbits and Shitty/Lardo (Shlardo? Shardo? do they have a ship name?).

I will admit that this was hastily researched. Click the flower names for links to the websites that I used to get the meaning for each. (Except roses. Link not needed because roses mean love. ♥)

When Lardo learns the meanings of flowers, she enlarges her boys’ headshots, grabs her paints.

She surrounds Bitty in roses because he’s blossoming with love — love of place, of team, of self, and the love of his life. She paints Jack to match, adding white heather; he’s still one of her boys.

Shitty too. She covers him with delphinium.

For Chowder, she chooses orchids, for Tango, purple iris. On Ransom’s portrait, she eschews flowers and playfully paints coral instead.

Around her own face, Lardo layers peach blossoms and DaLat roses. She remembers them from her grandmother’s house, many years ago.

[cricketnationrise]

@omgcpanniversaryweek day 3: relationship

no one:

me: writes almost 1500 words of an au based on how my parents got together

_X_

Will is on his bed, trying desperately to make his code work, when he’s interrupted by a banging on his door.

“Dex! We know you’re in there! Come hang out with us!” comes Chowder’s voice.

“I’ve gotta get this done tonight, sorry C,” he calls back.

“It’s Friday night Poindoodle. Get your ginger ass out here!” Nursey yells.

“Seriously, go without me guys, I’ll see you at the game!”

It’s not that he doesn’t want to hang out with them, it’s just that the hockey team leaves little time for outside activities, including homework and hanging out with his Comp Sci friends. He’s overwhelmed enough trying to make the transition to higher level classes and grabbing as much work study as he could; he hasn’t had the time to hang out. He’s in a single, unlike Nursey and Chowder who lucked into being roommates, so he doesn’t have the same amount bonding built in to his life.

“Please Dex? I feel like you’re never around outside of practice and games anymore,” pleads Chowder. And that one makes him wince and really think about whether or not the code could wait. It’s one night, there isn’t a game until Sunday, and the code work isn’t due till Tuesday. He probably could –

“Back up boys, I’m here to save the day,” comes Lardo’s voice.

“What are you—” is all Dex gets out before he hears some scraping, a loud click, and then his door is swinging open so fast he thinks Lardo probably kicked it.

“Aaaaaand, go!” says Lardo and the guys behind her spring into action. Ransom is in first, grabbing his laptop and saving Dex’s progress. Chowder grabs shoes, a hoodie, and Dex’s wallet. Nursey and Holster are standing next to his bed, sort of guarding him.

“What’s going on? Didn’t we already get hazed?” he manages to ask in all the commotion.

Holster just grins at him while Nursey says, “Brace yourself,” and suddenly Dex is in the air.

continue on AO3

[strangebabbyjack]

Give me the forbidden lardo x tater content. 

[parvuls]

okay but hear me out. bones/omgcp au. and yes this is a result of late-night binging of bones' first seasons BUT:

bones!jack and booth!bitty, come ON.

if jack's passion was science and not hockey he would still be the same driven, single-minded person he is, except all his focus would be on this job. he'd be kickass at being a forensic anthropologist because he'd find the whole historical cultures aspect fascinating and be really good at noticing small details and hyperfocusing on a skeleton. jack's social skills are a little rusty, though, and his main way of communicating with other people is through the language he knows: his passion. it makes other people feel like he thinks he's smarter than them.

bitty is a people person. that's like, a major part of his personality. he understands people and how they think and he connects to them easily and he's not like, religious per say, but he's definitely a lot more spiritual than jack and more open to seeing the world through less scientific eyes. he's a little all over the place, but he'd make a really good detective because he can read people really well, and because he looks nonthreatening so suspects trust him off the bat.

(he'd be terrible at getting his paperwork done on time and his desk, filled with case-related evidence, would always be a mess. it will drive jack mad.)

their work relationship would be, as in the comic and in the show, a little rocky to start with. jack gives bitty the impression that he finds him silly and somewhat dumb, and bitty gives jack the impression that he sees him more as a bones-robot than another person. but jack is the best there is, and bitty has the same determination as his canonical self to prove he deserves his position, so they stick it out. for justice. as they get to know each other they realize their first impressions were wrong - both their assessment of their partner and their assumptions of what their partner thinks of them.

there's a lot of unspoken ust there. like. a lot.

if you don't see hodgins!shitty and angela!lardo... idk what to tell you.

mad scientist shitty??? who comes from a rich, pretentious family and hates them all and doesn't want the team to know his family funds the institution they work for because he just wants to be shitty. he probably got a degree in something his parents approved of, like biochemistry or physics or something like that, and then snapped and decided to get a phd in something they definitely won't approve of, like entomology and botany. shitty loves being the slime and bugs guy, and he loves helping to find evil motherfuckers and bring them down even more.

lardo was getting her art degree when jack met her while giving a gust lecture. he watched her work on a life sized painting of a hyperrealist adult male and was so impressed with her anatomical accuracy that he struck up a conversation (this doesn't happen very often). lardo wasn't exactly getting an art degree to work on three-dimensional skeletal reconstructions but, you know, a) it's a paying job, b) she kinda finds the whole murder-solving thing morbidly cool, c) she likes jack. she thinks jack is a good dude who is going to need good bros around him. and getting to work with state of the art equipment is definitely a bonus.

ransom, holster and the frogs are still up for debate. but I kind of see ransom in cam's position, maybe - having went to medical school, ended up as a medical examiner, and now running the lab. holster has that manic fbi agent vibes on him. dex is a scientist if I ever saw one - maybe one of the squints?