#can you believe i've finally managed to leave the rooftop

[airenyah]

mentally i'm still in akk's bedroom

[miraculousares]

Reflexes

A quick fic inspired by this gif set

Over the last three years of being Ladybug, Marinette had changed in several ways. The two most notable to those around her were both physical. One, she was buff. Like, she could beat Kim at wrestling kind of buff. When she wore bikinis to the beach with her friends, they'd all stare at her abs for a moment. Alya constantly asked her how she had gotten so ripped but never got a straight answer. It's not like Marinette could exactly say that she had gotten strong by fighting villains all day.

The other thing that had become most noticeable was her fighting skills. Few of her friends ever witnessed anything as fighting wasn't a super common civilian issue, but Alya saw her take down a mugger with one hand. Nobody really believed her when she told people about it - "Oh, sweet little Marinette couldn't hurt a fly," they often said - but she still made a note not to startle her or get on her bad side.

One of the most problematic changes that she'd made, though, was her fighting instincts. While it came in handy during fights with akumas, she often found herself judo-flipping her partner, Chat Noir, when he snuck up on her. The worst part was that he never learned to give her some warning, so it wasn't an uncommon occurrence to accidentally throw her best friend off of roofs. Of course, he was always okay. Not only did he have his staff and super-agility, but he'd learned to expect it. That only made her feel more guilty.

~ o n e  d a y ~

Ladybug leaned against the chimney of one of the several rooftops of Paris. She was looking down at her yoyo's screen, catching up on some fan emails, while she waited for her partner. Suddenly, she felt the sudden presence of someone behind her, a hand reaching toward her. Instinctively, she grabbed the wrist and slammed the attacker down on the ground in front of her. She kept the arm in her grasp and put a foot on the person's chest to hold them down. The laughter that followed registered before the face did. She immediately let go and took her foot off of the blonde and held down a hand to help him up. Once he was standing again, he worked to control his laughter.

"Stupid cat, I've told you over and over again not to sneak up on me like that! You know that I react like that to being startled," she grumbled, closing up her yoyo and attaching it to her hip.

"I know, I know. But it's kinda funny," he wiped a tear from his eye.

"It won't be so funny when you dull my reflexes and I get my miraculous stolen by a villain," she retorted, pushing him playfully but sternly on the shoulder.

"My lady, you could never be dull, not even your reflexes." His eyes shone with adoration and she rolled her eyes. She had to admit that his flirtiness had gotten a lot sweeter in the past few months as they got to know each other deeper and deeper.

"Yeah, whatever, kitty. Are you ready to go on patrol?"

"With you? Always."

The two leaped from the rooftop and began scanning the streets of Paris for any akumas or citizens in need of help. They helped an elderly woman gather the groceries that had fallen through a hole in her bag and helped prevent a traffic collision. As always, they stopped by the bench where Mr. Ramier sat with his pigeons and chatted with him, bringing him comfort. The man had gone through a lot of trauma, having been akumatized over 50 times. Finally, the sun began to set and they decided to call it a night.

~

Marinette stretched and yawned, extremely tired. As soon as they'd gotten home from patrol, they got an akuma alert and had stayed up until nearly 5 am fighting.

"I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the day on only two hours of sleep," Marinette commented as she messily pulled her hair into her signature pigtails.

"You've got this, Marinette! I know you can do it!" Her kwami pressed against her cheek in a hug and the girl felt energized just from the affection from the small creature.

"Thanks, Tikki," she smiled. Then she opened her bag for her to fly into and headed for school.

"Hey, girl!" Alya called from across the courtyard. She was standing near the stairs talking to Nino. Marinette managed to jog over there and greeted her friends.

"Oh man, you look terrible," Nino commented. Alya jabbed him in the side. "I mean, you seem tired. You okay, dude?"

Marinette nodded. "Yeah, the noise from the akuma last night kept me up," she fibbed.

"Oh that's right, it was right over by the bakery, wasn't it? Did you see that villain though? Hawkmoth is really stepping up his game!" Alya continued to talk about the night's battle, giving Marinette a chance to zone out for a moment since she didn't need a rundown of the battle she'd fought. Suddenly, she felt a hand grab her shoulder. She jumped and her instincts took over. She grabbed the wrist of the person behind her before they could even tighten their grip and threw them with a slam onto the ground a few feet in front of her. Then, she processed what had just happened and who she had just thrown. She rushed over to him and offered a hand to help him up.

"Oh my god! ARE YOU SORRY? I mean- I'm okay! I mean... uh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay, Adrien?" He stood up and stared at her in shock.

"I told you! I told you she was a damn ninja! Mylene owes me $10," Alya celebrated. But neither of the pair was paying any attention to her. Marinette was too lost trying to decipher Adrien's gaze and why he had yet to let go of her hand. The bell rang and students filtered out of the courtyard and into classrooms and eventually, the two were alone.

"I- ah, Adrien?" Marinette stammered, her face still a bright red but her thoughts more clouded by confusion than romance.

"I guess your reflexes haven't dulled yet," he whispered, his eyes never leaving hers. Marinette paused for a second, trying to figure out why the phrase sounded so familiar before it hit her.

"It won't be so funny when you dull my reflexes and I get my miraculous stolen by a villain."

"My lady, you could never be dull, not even your reflexes."

She felt her knees give out and she fell to the ground. Adrien quickly moved to kneel down beside her. She just stared at the blonde for a while, her eyes wide and brain moving at a thousand miles per minute.

"Chat... Chat Noir?" She finally pushed the words out of her lips, though they were a struggle. It felt impossible. Adrien was so different from Chat Noir. But, when she thought about it, it all made sense. She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

"It's really you, buganette," he whispered into her hair, returning the embrace.

"My kitty."

[brasskier]

@badthingshappenbingo trope #3 (and this one was actually requested!)

Thank you to the incredible @geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde for reading this one over for me!

Trope: Suicide attempt

Summary:  Yennefer's just running a few errands, and doesn't expect to end up talking Geralt's bard down from a rooftop. Jaskier is ready to leap, and doesn't expect a certain mage to interrupt his grand finale. Both of them might just walk away with a better understanding of one another. (Or, a character study in borderline personality disorder.)

TW for suicidal ideation/threats/gestures and reference to self-harm. The descriptions aren’t graphic and he doesn’t actually jump, but this whole fic deals with suicide and mental illness. Be safe y’all <3

Read it on my ao3 or below the cut:

The trip to Tretogor wasn’t supposed to last long. Replenish her stock after the utter disaster that was the dragon hunt, some odds and ends as she came upon them, maybe get absolutely shitfaced and forget the whole thing happened. That was all. And it looked like, for a pleasant change of pace, there weren’t going to be any complications. Errands finished, Yennefer was enjoying a hearty roast at one of the better taverns in the city when she noticed the early warnings of a brewing commotion. First murmurs, then the voices grew louder and more persistent, and then people were pushing outside. She ignored them; a petty barfight was not something she particularly wanted or needed to get involved with. The bar was still stirring, and eventually when she finally shifted her focus off her roast, the tavern was near-empty, only the drunkest of patrons remaining. Even the barkeep was shuffling outside. Clearly, something was happening. Something big. With a beleaguered sigh, she pushed up from her chair and headed out the door.

A surprisingly large crowd greeted her outside, more expansive than the usual clamor around a simple drunken brawl. She approached the barkeep, standing on the outskirts of the mob, and she didn’t even have to speak before the barkeep jerked his head skyward. She traced his gaze to the roof of a towering building casting its shadow over them.

“Poor sod’s gonna jump, I reckon,” the barkeep ruminated, eyes still fixed upwards. In place of the massive beast she fully expected to be perched atop the building stood the figure of a man, trembling at the very edge of the roof. She squinted, an uncanny familiarity settling into her gut.

She mumbled her half-hearted thanks, already pushing through a portal to the rooftop. The man, still frozen in place on the opposite edge, didn’t seem to notice the sudden company, and her uneasiness grew into a sinking dread.

“Jaskier?” she called, tentatively, afraid to startle him. Any last shred of hope that she was mistaken (though the intricately embroidered doublet was hard to mistake) was gone when he jerked his head back to face her. His mouth was agape, an uncomfortable mixture of surprise and disappointment drawn across his features. “What are you doing?”

“The fuck does it look like?” He snapped back. There was more than his usual sarcasm or mock-incredulity in his voice, real and deep-felt anger coloring his tone.

“Don’t do it,” she urged, surprising herself with the tenderness in her own words. “Come on now. Just come down.” Why did she care? The question gnawed in the back of her mind, and she did her damndest to push it aside. She’s a good person, after all, right? She’d do it for anyone, surely. None of Geralt’s not-getting-involved nonsense.

“Fuck off, Yennefer.” He let out a barking laugh, thin and breathy, pitching forward ever so slightly with the force of it. She felt her whole body tense, hands reaching out reflexively.

“Where’s Geralt? What happened?” This was, apparently, the single worst line of conversation she could’ve settled on, because he dropped abruptly to a squat and for a split second she was certain she was about to witness the man’s death. 

“I’m not his fucking keeper.” He was nearly at a roar now, a fever-pitch that sent a shiver down Yennefer’s spine. “Haven’t seen him in a week. Not since— not since—” Though she couldn’t see his face, his eyes fixed resolvedly on the ground below, she could hear the tears cut through his words, his breath hiccuping.

“Shh,” she hushed him. Clearly, something had happened after she stormed off. What, precisely, could wait until later, when he was back on solid ground. “I know. It’s not fair.”

“The fuck do you know about fair?” he scoffed, shoulders hunched, arms wrapped around his abdomen against the biting wind. 

“He fucked me over, too.” She should’ve been offended, and she would’ve been if she wasn’t far more concerned with making sure the bard didn’t fling himself into an early demise, which would be decidedly unfair. That sentiment did little to ease him, and withdrew no response. “Fuck Geralt,” she declared, trying again. “Damn brute thinks he can just take as he pleases.”

“And— and then discard you once he’s had his fill,” he mumbled, offering her the slightest glance back, tears glistening against the pink of his cheeks. 

“You’re better than that,” she set forth like a thesis. “You’re — loathe as I am to admit it — talented, bard. People like you. You’ll find plenty of material to write about.” Perhaps an appeal to both logos and pathos would be sufficient, at least enough to get him off the ledge. 

“It won’t be the same.” He frowned tragically over his shoulder at her. “I've lost it all, Yen. Look at me— I'm just a silhouette.”

“That's nonsense. He… you're more than him. He's not everything.” It felt ridiculous to her, throwing yourself off a roof over an argument with a friend. After all, Jaskier had always managed to exist in the spaces between Geralt before; teaching, or penning his next obnoxious ballad, or bedding married women, or whatever it is overgrown manchild bards do. But, then, she'd almost killed herself to restore something she knew she could never get back. So perhaps they were even.

“Look, this is awfully sweet of you, but—” he swept his arm, gesturing vaguely at nothing in particular. “Just let me go. I’m doing everyone a favor.” He turned his attention back to the ground, wind rippling through his hair. “Should’ve done this a long time ago.” She felt her heart skip — a long time ago? This wasn’t just a histrionic reaction to whatever might’ve occurred between him and Geralt; gods knew how long he’d felt like this.

“You know I can’t do that,” she retorted, drawing tentatively closer. “Don’t make me portal you down.” He huffed, waving her off with a trembling hand. 

“Please, Yen.” Realistically, she knew it would be easy to oblige his request. Walk away, pretend not to hear the sickening thud, and carry on. He was only her ex-witcher’s ex-bard, after all. “I always knew it'd end like this. I’m just… I’m glad I even made it past thirty, really.” 

“That’s— I’m not— no, Jaskier. I’m not letting you throw yourself off a roof, for the love of the gods. That’s insane.” She wasn’t sure what was more insane, letting him go, or standing here arguing with him. “You’re going to be real glad when you make it to forty, bard.”

“Am I though, really? This isn’t my first time, believe it or not. And every time I live, or I back out, or I let someone talk me out of it. And I always regret it in the end.” Her mind reeled again — every time? How many had there been? She pushed the thought back.

“You won’t find out unless you get down,” she argued, drawing closer still. He tensed, sensing her presence, hands balling and unfurling repetitively. “Come on. Go to the tavern with me, get something to eat, have a—” she was close enough to smell the alcohol on his breath now “—more drink. I’ll be out of your hair in the morning, and if you still regret it, well…” 

“Fine,” he finally agreed on the tail end of a sigh, turning to fully face her. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” She didn’t like the resolve with which he said those words, but he was agreeing to come down, which at least was a small victory. She’d handle tomorrow when it came around. In the meantime she needed to get them both down. “Or eventually,” he tacked on as she held her hands out, forming a portal back to solid ground. “Inevitably.” The word rang in her mind as she looped an arm around him and led him through the portal. As an afterthought, she summoned a blanket with a flick of her fingers; it was one of those cheap, thin blankets they kept at the inn, but it would do. She tossed it over his shoulders and he dug his fingers into the fabric, drawing it closer around himself.

Once they were back in the tavern, that thin blanket still draped over Jaskier's shoulders and mug of ale held in shaking hands, it was time to talk.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, dragging his thumb up and down the cool tankard, avoiding meeting her eyes at all costs. “I’ve caused such a fuss. You must be anxious to get out of here.” He finally glanced in her direction when he felt a hand land on his forearm.

“It’s fine, really,” she insisted, and he couldn’t bear the pity in her eyes. “Now are you going to tell me what that was all about?” He huffed a laugh, looked away again.

“It’s just, you know. Me and my theatrics.” He shrugged, running a hand along his jaw.

“Bullshit.” When, exactly, Yennefer had gotten so good at seeing right through him, he wasn’t sure. But he did know he definitely didn’t like it.

“I’m sorry. I just, I… I get like that, I guess,” he muttered finally, dragging his thumb along the rim of his glass.

“Suicidal, you mean? You just get… suicidal?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow, moving her hand up to his shoulder.

“Yeah, I guess.” He reached blindly, dropped a hand over hers. “When something goes wrong. Someone leaves me again. I just, I fuck up a lot, and I’m no good at dealing with the concequences.” 

“That’s— gods, I know you’re an idiot, but that’s really worth killing yourself over?” She tried to keep her tone light, clipped, maybe a little detached. He was uneasy with the attention, it was obvious, and she was also certainly not ready to admit that maybe, just a tiny bit, she sort of cared about him.

“Geralt, he ran me off,” he mumbled, sinking further into the blanket. “After the hunt, after your fight, he blamed me. For everything, the entire two decades of our, well. I guess it wasn’t friendship.” He chewed at his lip, a nervous habit, anger bubbling below the surface at the thought of that day. “Told me the greatest gift life could give him would be to take me off his hands.” Yennefer balked at him, finally hearing the context of his despair, and she was just about ready to portal right over to wherever Geralt had fucked off to and give him a piece of her mind.

“That’s terrible,” she told him, the best she could really offer. Nothing she could say would undo what’d happened, and nothing could change how much it hurt him. “He really is a bastard.” Jaskier nodded slowly, raised his tankard up in toast. “When’s the last time you ate? You must be starving.”

“Stew would be nice,” he replied quietly, meekly. She haled one of the barkeeps, ordered him a stew, and requested another round of drinks. “It’s not just the fight, though,” he added once the server was gone. “I don’t know how to explain it, Yen. Why I do the things I do, or feel the way I feel. It’s just, it’s all too much sometimes, you know?” She knew. All too well, she knew. She was only just beginning to understand herself, just beginning to feel some semblance of control. He was so young — perhaps not by human standards, but comparatively. 

“I know. It’s hard.” They felt like empty platitudes, like she had no idea how to truly connect with him, and it was frustrating. She wanted to help him, but she wasn’t sure how, wasn’t sure he wanted it. 

“Yeah.” He bobbed his head, picked at the wood of the table. They drifted into silence, neither sure how to fill it, neither sure this was a conversation either wanted to have. The stew arrived, and he picked at it rather than devouring it like he usually did his rations. 

“You know I’m sterile, right?” she finally broke the silence once he’d finished his food and pushed the bowl aside, leaning closer, her voice pitched in a conspiratorial whisper. He nodded solemnly, averting his gaze, watching the light catch in his amber ale. “And you know I’ve gone to great lengths to rectify that, correct?” Another slow nod.

“I know, Yen. I’m sorry, I know you have far more right to be miserable than I do. And here I am, wallowing like a toddler—” She waved a hand to cut him off.

“No, listen, stupid bard. It’s really not about being able to have kids. It’s about the fact that I don’t have a choice, that I’ve never had a choice,” she elaborated, hiking the blanket further up his shoulders as it started to slip.

“I know. And here I am, I’ve gotten everything I wanted. I got to choose; running away, going to Oxenfurt, becoming a bard, traveling. Gods, I followed Geralt to the ends of the bloody Continent for two decades of my life I’ll never get back — but that was my choice.” 

“Would you please let me finish my point, instead of interrupting me to wallow in guilt?” He gnawed at his lip, finally turning to face her. “It wasn’t about being a mother, it was about choice. So this—” she waved her arm dramatically, wondering for a moment when exactly she’d started picking up his mannerisms. “This isn’t about Geralt at all, is it?” After a moment of contemplation, he carefully shook his head. “Then what is it about?” 

“I don’t know, to be honest,” he muttered at the tail end of a swig from his tankard. “I’ve just always been like this,” he said with a sweep of his hand, palm upturned, string-callused fingers twitching aimlessly. Her violet eyes bore into him expectantly, and he felt angry for a flicker of a moment — she was a witch, right? He should be able to just sit back while she delves into the darkest crevices of his psyche, let her root around and not have to struggle to put his life into context and language. “Can’t you just, y’know…” He tugged at his fingers, tilted his head.

“Read your mind?” she finished the question, scooting closer to him, and he felt the hair on his arms rise. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” He nodded, and she pressed her forehead against his, pulling him in close, enveloping him in the lilac and gooseberries he knew Geralt loved so much. He understood why; he felt inexplicably safe, even as the logical half of his brain urged him to pull back. This was all for show, and he knew that— she didn’t need to touch him to read him. Either way, he was grateful to not have to give language to the nameless, that she could just see.

See Jaskier at seventeen, screaming at Valdo from across the courtyard, "if you leave me I swear the fuck to melitile I'll kill myself," knowing he's made this exact threat verbatim so many times Valdo can't believe him, unable to recall what they were even arguing about anymore. When they break up, his mother tells him the first heartbreak always hurts the worst; it hurts all the same every time thereafter.

Jaskier at twenty, slicing thin lines into his thigh for what had to be the millionth time, running out of unmarred skin, witcher/tentative friend asleep somewhere beside him in the darkness. If asked, he’s not sure he’d have an excuse. Sometimes to feel something, sometimes to feel nothing. Either way, this uncertainty is what keeps his wrists clean.

Jaskier at twenty-three, wailing great, hiccuping sobs, shoulders rattling, blind beyond teary eyes. Geralt, gods bless him, doesn’t know what to do, stands arm’s-length away, regards him with uncertainty and pity. They’d fought about something that didn’t matter and he couldn’t remember, and that rage washed over him, red-hot, balled fists trembling at his side. “Get out! Gods, are you thick? Leave, Geralt; I fucking hate you.” But then Geralt listened, because Geralt didn’t play Jaskier’s games, and now there he was, sobbing, babbling, “don’t leave me, I’m sorry, I’ll be better, I can’t lose you, it’ll kill me, don’t go.” Geralt stays; they pretend nothing ever happened.

Jaskier at twenty-seven, at the ashes of his latest burnt bridge, just another failed relationship that feels altogether more like death than separation. Grieving it more like death, too; sobbing until he could do little more than stare at the ceiling and try to breathe, mourning a cemetery of mistakes and a lifetime of failure.

Jaskier at thirty-two, depression blanketing him with the fresh snow, the man he'd tangled up his entire identity in fucked off to the mountains for the winter while he sludged through classes, distracting himself from having to confront the fact that he doesn't recognize his own face in the mirror. Jaskier does exist in the spaces between Geralt, but, sometimes, that Jaskier is a husk.

Jaskier a few days ago, marching back to Oxenfurt because that's all he knows, doubtful Jaskier even exists anymore, the emptiness in his mind unbearable and somehow terminal, altogether certain he's been incompatible with life from the very moment he entered it and resolved to rectify nature's mistake himself. 

Jaskier who, his entire life, has felt everything, too much, all at once. Who's always been led by his heart — and not in the beautiful, Romantic way, but messy, tragic, and uniquely Jaskier. A man so utterly at the mercy of his own mind, drowning in feelings he doesn't have the language to name, his entire being defined not by who he is but what he does and who he loves. 

Jaskier, on a rooftop in Tretogor, itchy feet ready to fling him off the ledge. He'd told Valdo once, in the in-between hours not quite night or morning when everything seems strange and far away, that he knew how he was destined to die. Pressed on, even as Valdo chuckled and called him presumptive, “I'm going to kill myself.” Not today, or tomorrow, but inevitably. He said it not with the certainty of someone who's seen into the future but the cynical resignation of a man who knows no other escape. And Valdo punched his arm, told him not to talk like that, promised it would get easier one day. He hates Valdo now, not that he remembers why, and that day has yet to come.

She pulled back eventually— finally — and swept a shaky thumb over his cheek. He chewed on his lip, staring expectantly with hauntingly wide eyes. 

“Jaskier.” It was barely a whisper, uttered at the end of a sharp exhale, and when violet eyes met his they shone with an uncanny recognition. He wasn't sure what, precisely, she'd seen, but he knew whatever it was had been enough. He'd invited her to the bleakest corners of his mind, and now she regarded him like a lame horse. He ducked his head, but she caught him with a hand on his chin. “You know that's not how destiny works.”

“Hmm?” He wracked his brain to figure what she might be referring to, coming up empty-handed. He didn't have a big, grand destiny like she or Geralt did. He was just Jaskier the bard, Jaskier the one-night stand, Jaskier the disappointment. 

“It doesn't have to end like that. You have a choice,” she elaborated, still painfully vague, but he understood. 

“This isn't the first time, Yen, I—” 

“I know. I saw.” Right, she saw, probably everything, and he had the wherewithal to feel humiliated for it. 

“I've cheated it enough times. I can't outrun it forever.” It felt nice, at least, to let his walls down a little, stop playing the perpetual naive optimist. Almost a relief, even, a weight off his shoulders. 

“I know. But you're strong, Jask.” She moved her hand from his chin to the back of his head, guiding it to rest against her shoulder. “We have more in common than I thought, you know.” He laughed, thin and heady, but with a little more conviction this time, and pressed his face against her neck. 

“Is that your way of telling me you're fucked up, too?” He asked, and, despite the levity in his tone, he truly was curious. 

“Yes, bard,” she hummed, reaching out to sip at her tankard.

“You're not going to give me any more than that?” He fought off a yawn, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. “I just told you everything.” 

“Maybe someday,” she replied, setting the mug back on the table. “But right now I think you could use some rest. We both could.” She slipped out of the booth and he let his head tilt back against the wall, mourning the absence of her warmth. 

She returned a few minutes later, room procured, and hiked the blanket back over his shoulders as he reached for his lute and followed after her. It was a nice enough room, two beds on opposite sides, a bath he had no intention of utilizing. Exhausted, he kicked off his boots, shrugged off his doublet, and dropped onto the bed. He let his mind wander, dozing as Yennefer readied herself for bed, eyelids heavy by the time she blew out the candles.

“You won't try again?” Yen asked from across the room after a while, barely a silhouette in the faint moonlight. Jaskier rolled over to face her, finding her staring distantly out the window.

“You, uh, you have to be more specific,” he muttered, tugging the blanket closer to his chin. It smelled of lilac and ale. 

“How am I supposed to make that more specific?” It came out sharp, like her usual tone with him, but he could still feel an uneasy twinge to her words. 

“I mean, I don't know.” He felt stupid for reasons beyond his grasp. “Not today, or tomorrow. But I can't promise never.” There was a long pause, and Jaskier barely breathed, wondering if he'd managed to upset her as sleep crept up on him. 

“Not today is enough,” she said finally, sounding almost far away, and his breath hitched in his throat.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, voice thick with impending sleep. “When are you leaving?” The me he omitted at the tail end rang in his mind, unspoken but understood, heavy in the nighttime silence. She was supposed to leave in the morning, so he could either move on or finish what he’d set out to do; he wasn’t sure he wanted her to uphold that promise anymore.

“Not today.” He exhaled slowly. Not today is enough. And maybe, just maybe, enough not today's would add up to never. 

[go--ask--alice]

Ephemeris

One

Alice Napier.

To say I am merely happy is an insult to the english language and to the emotion in itself. I feel as though I am in a state of euphoric bliss!! Yesterday may be the single most incredible day of my life. The runner up being the first time he said 'I love you' and a close third that night on the rooftop in London.

Being that this is the first entry into my new journal, let me get out as many details as I can, for posterity sake!

This had to be the most traditional non-traditional wedding that has ever taken place in Gotham City. It pains me to even write this but I fear that the man officiating lastnight is probably dead in a ditch somewhere! Otherwise only myself, J, and the ever loyal Frost were in attendance but it was still a lavish affair. Unlike most bride-to-be's I was left in the dark for most of the planning of this wedding. He kept mumbling something about "project: royal wedding.." and "must be perfect!" then scooting off to meet with Johnny. This went on for a good month or so after we got back from overseas, and while I knew it would be a very short engagement I did not expect that by year's end we would be married.

We had returned to Gotham just in time to see the leaves change color. No sooner had the first snow fallen was I informed that we needed to pick a date. After much consideration and bickering it was decided that we would be married on the first day of winter. The snow would be blanketing the earth and there was the perfect little space on the far edge of the property. A small alcove of trees obscured it from any prying eyes that may be keeping tabs on my elusive Joker and it allowed us the privacy that J so desperately strived for.

The one thing I was given control over was my dress. The only soul to see it besides me was the seamstress that created it. J had relinquished this tiny bit of power to me so it could remain a surprise for him until yesterday, you can never say this man isn't a traditionalist! The woman who made the dress has worked for him for years and is responsible for many of his most iconic looks. If anyone has ever come across The Joker when he purposely places himself on display in one of his clubs has seen her exquisite work. My needs for the dress were few; I insisted on pure white in the finest silk available, a (faux) fur capelet, and Chantilly lace imported from England. Beyond that I let her have fun, I trusted the final product would rival anything J was planning to wear. An apprentice of hers was tasked to tailor J's suit for the ceremony as well as both of our shoes which were custom made and imported from Italy.

I woke up yesterday morning at the literal crack of dawn with as much excitement as a kid on Christmas morning. To the best of my knowledge J didn't sleep at all which isn't a surprise but I didn't even hear him come upstairs, he was supposed to be sleeping in the room across the hall for the night while I stayed in our bedroom. I'm sure he was holed up in his office til all hours of the night, my beautiful brooding man.

There was a note slid under the bedroom door from my love. That note will be between these pages forever.

Knowing that I wouldn't be seeing him until the afternoon I had to calm my nerves on my own and resorted to taking an incredibly long bubble bath followed by some tea and lunch in my room. I began the arduous task of getting ready a few hours before I was due to head downstairs. Frost had my dress delivered to the room sometime in the late morning and refused to give me any clues as to what J had in store for us, though he did seem genuinely excited and I even caught a grin on his stoic face.

I am no professional but I think I did a pretty wonderful job with my hair and make up. Dark and classic. My hair left long and flowing just how I know my J likes it. I had it re-dyed not long after we came back state side so the sapphire blue was as vibrant as possible. My make up was a bit harder to pin down, I've learned in our time together that smudge proof is my best friend! A dark smokey eye and deep crimson lips, the lipstick imparticular needed to stay in place as the our night began.

I managed to be ready and downstairs mere minutes before 3:30 and as I descended the stairs I was met with quite the sight. Johnny Frost in the most dapper suit I've ever seen him in was anxiously tapping his foot and checking his watch while peaking out the large stained glass doors. No doubt unsure what to do if I was late coming downstairs. After a few moments I had to put him out of his misery and make my presence know, the look on his face was pure relief. I can only imagine the stress J had put him under to get everything ready, perfectionist is an understatement when discussing The Joker.

Wordlessly I linked my arm through his waiting elbow as he opened the door to the garden. I can only hope to transcribe the magnificence that awaited me on the other side! The sun was low in the afternoon sky, this being the shortest day of the year, and it illuminated the pine trees that bordered the back of the property. On the ground was a path of small blue lights like will-o'-wisps just starting to glow leading through the trees to the small clearing where I knew my love was waiting for me. As we began to walk I was hit with a wave of emotions so strong that I stumbled for a moment and Frost had to steady me. He leaned down and in his gruff voice whispered, "I've never seen Mr. J so excited, he really does loves you Miss Alice." This of course only spurred on my emotional roller coaster and I squeezed his arm as confirmation that I was okay to continue.

Inside I was an absolute wreck. I was literal moments away from marrying the man I had dreamt about for years, obsessed over in the media and in print, the man I isolated myself from the world for. He could have killed me the moment we met yet somehow here I was about to vow my life to him again this time officially. I will never say that I am the woman who fixed The Joker, there is no fixing his tortured soul, but I genuinely believe I have opened his heart and proved that all creatures are deserving of love. That we all have someone that sees we are worthy of that love.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost didn't realize we were only a few steps away from the tree line, I could see his silhouette against a sea of blue roses, the light bouncing off the stone wall making the flowers appear to glow around him. He was speaking very low to a nervous man who was nodding profusely at him with terrified wide eyes. It took only the briefest of moments for him to see me. Frost had silently let go of my arm and was walking around the perimeter of the small clearing til he was at J's side. Our eyes met for the first time all day and time ceased to exist.

There he stood, my Joker, my love, my forever, his shocking green hair slicked back perfectly from his face, his lips a bright cherry red were spread into a toothy smile I had rarely seen. It was hard to pull myself away from his magnetic blue eyes to take in the rest of him. Faintly I could hear music playing and I slowly began to walk towards him. My beautiful Joker had spared no expense on his suit, perfectly tailored to his slim muscular body. The jacket was inky black with a faint brocade pattern in silk thread, the pants were the same luxurious fabric as the jacket only solid. A black silk shirt pulled tight over his slightly heaving chest, I could see the rise and fall as I walked closer to his side. This was one of the few occasions where I have seen J with a proper tie done up correctly, I believe it was a trinity knot, and a gorgeous new tie pin made of black cobalt with onyx stones. The shoes were a favorite of mine, I actually pick them out in a shop in London and they were custom made by a cordwainer based in Italy. And of course in proper Joker style his powerful hands were adorned with all of my favorite rings, the only flashes of gold in his entire outfit, I was giddy with the anticipation of adding a new one to his left hand.

I had chosen to not carry a bouquet down the aisle, instead I wore a single perfect blue rose in my hair. This particular bloom was laying atop my new journal when I found it yesterday morning so it was only fitting to wear it to meet my Joker at the alter.

When I was finally only a few steps away he reached his pale hand out to take mine and pull me close. I could see the restraint plain as day on his face as he let go and took a step back, he gave himself a long moment to look me over and I could see the lust growing in his eyes when they met mine again. The anticipation we both felt in that moment was beyond our imaginations. Later in the night J told me it took all his control not to shoot the officiant between the eyes and send Frost away so he could have me right there on the spot! Dramatic? Yes, but I believed him completely.

The ceremony itself was brief, the man brought in was obviously terrified but did a fine job. I only found out after the fact that preforming this act was in exchange for a large debt that was owed to The Joker. In doing this favor it would clear the debt but also thanks to the man's connections within the local government it legitimized our union and would secretly have the necessary documents sealed and notorized. I swear I heard a muted gun shot not long after we exchanged vows but I am not going to question it.

Our vows were succinct but incredibly powerful. They are the one small piece that I will forever keep to myself. Suffice to say, the love that lives in our hearts is something that will never be broken, not by time, space, or anything the world throws at us. He is my King and I now proudly stand at his side, his Queen and his partner.

As I write this we are currently on a very brief Honeymoon, one of business and pleasure, J had some pressing business to attend to so I am here patiently waiting for him to return to the rarely used penthouse we have been staying in. I still want to record the events that transpired after the actual wedding, hopefully I'll have some time soon to write them down. For now I want to be prepared to greet my husband when he returns, I have not yet had my fill of his devilishly powerful body.

-Alice

[barefootbeautician]

Motorbiking across Vietnam!

The good, the bad and the weather.

If you have decided you want to motorbike Vietnam, woo go you! This is an amazing experience but WOW was it hard physically and mentally. Motorbikes are a part of life in this country with over 30 million taking up the roads. This was my first time ever riding a motorbike and believe me, if you can ride a bike here, you can ride one anywhere in the world!

While cruising the highway we saw some very interesting sights; from families of five on one bike, to a massive cage of ducks coming off every part of a bike! How they balance all the different things on these small bikes amazes me.

Riding in Vietnam is not for the faint hearted, there seems to be little to no rules on these roads. Green light means go, amber still go and the count down from 5 on the red light still means go. There is no right of way on a roundabout with people honking left, right and centre for you to move! However honking is a normal thing here, it usually means "I'm about to overtake you" or "I'm next to you so don't turn". It scared the hell out of me when a massive truck honked something sounding like a fog horn next to me, while overtaking a bus going into incoming traffic. I have many memories of almost being squashed so being alert and remember to move out the way is the best advice. They are a lot bigger and don't seem to care about you on your small bike.

Rent or buy a motorbike

I believe this is a personal preference whether to buy or rent your mighty steed. We opted for renting as the company we went for were great! It was so easy to rent it in Hanoi and drop it off in Ho Chi Minh. The guy was great throughout our trip and let us know the best places to do bike services down the country. It was also very nice not to have to worry about selling the bike at the end, we were on quite a tight schedule so being able to just leave the bike and get our deposit back, was one less thing to stress about. The only slight set back is you do have a set date to give the bike back by so make sure you give yourself enough time to make it all the way down and not have to rush. The fee varies from company to company so just read the small print and make sure you get the bike back in time and all will be good.

Saying all of this, in the backpacker areas, bikes are easy to find and cheap to buy. So if you want one you can decorate and call your own, then this is a great thing to do. Make sure you have your paper registration (blue card) when buying a bike. You will need this to sell the bike and it's your proof of ownership if you get stopped at road blocks. Just remember to test drive a few first and make sure everything works. Repairs are cheap along the way, but it won't be fun to break down in the middle of a highway.

Whether you buy or rent your bike always remember to name it! Makes it more fun:) In the picture above you will see our mighty steeds- Ronald and Wilson.

Accommodation

We never had trouble finding places to crash for a night or two. We used hostels, Airbnb and couchsurfing. We loved couchsurfing, it was a great way to stay with locals and learn more about the culture. We always booked a day ahead as it was nicer to know we had somewhere to rest after a long day of driving. Mixing up your budgets is good too, so if we did couchsurfing for a few nights, we would splurge a bit on our next place. When I say splurge, it never broke the bank as all accommodation is pretty cheap.

Food and coffee

Phò

This had to be one of my favourite dishes! After a long ride in the ice cold rain, this hot noodle soup was perfect and tasted delicious. It's eaten at any time of day but mainly for breakfast. It's a very light but filling meal consisting of light beef broth flavoured with ginger and coriander, flat rice noodles, spring onions and slivers of raw beef that cook in the broth. It's so yummy!

Banh Mi

What a magical sandwich! The best place we had one was in Hoi An. This baguette sandwich is filled with crunchy salad, pork pate, slow roasted pork and sriracha sauce. There are different meat fillings but the pork was my favourite. Super filling and full of amazing flavour.

Goi cuon

One of Vietnams most favourite dishes. Translucent spring rolls packed with greens, coriander and various combinations of minced pork, shrimp or crab. You can also dip them in fish sauce which really adds to the flavour of these delicious rolls!

The motorcycle trip

Starting in the busy centre of Hanoi we took 4 weeks to ride down the coast to Ho Chi Minh. Through winding roads, freezing rain, busy highways and bright sunshine. Unfortunately for us, it rained 3 weeks out of the 4 which wasn't fun on a motorbike. We went through alot of ponchos, a rain coat and pants, bin bag under layers for warmth and plastic bags for our feet, as you can imagine, they were some very attractive outfits.

I'm not going to write every place we visited as some were only for one night to rest our tired heads. We started in Hanoi so the places will be in order from top to bottom. So I'll just be writing the places with the best memories:)

Hanoi

The capital city of Vietnam, the starting or finishing point for many Vietnam motorbike itineraries. I would suggest staying in the Old quarter ( Hoan Kiem) as it’s always busy with tourists and locals. It’s ideal for backpackers who want to be close to it all, eat great authentic food and enjoy the nightlife. However we were not very clued up when it came to staying here and unfortunately booked an Airbnb way out of the happening area. It was very interesting trying to order food at a Vietnamese restaurant where there was no English on the menu and no one spoke English. It made for a fun guessing game trying to not order chickens feet!

Ha Long Bay

There are so many boat cruises in this place to take you around the hundreds of freestanding islands. We went on a 2 day boat tour which included food, alcohol and a bed for the night. On this tour we got to walk around in a massive cave, checkout a floating pearl farm and climb to the top of one of the islands to see an amazing view. This is definitely worth doing however there are thousands of tourists which kind of takes the magic away and unfortunately we had rain the whole time. There wasn't much else to do in Ha Long bay for us, so we left after a couple days and carried on our adventure south.

Journey from there to Hue was pretty boring for us. All the rain, evil bed bugs and very long cold rides. Nothing worth chatting about but it finally looked up from Hue.

Hue

FINALLY SEEN SUNSHINE!! I was starting to forget what blue sky looks like and the feeling of sun on my skin. We only spend one night here and found it pretty cool. The food and coffee was really good and the bars were fun. Only thing that annoyed us was a crazy amount of people on bikes trying to sell you cannabis, obviously say no because most of them work with the police to catch people.

Da Nang

Loved Da Nang! Full of history, good food and beautiful views. The Hai Van Pass, which was made famous by an episode of Top Gear, is a definite must! Beautiful winding roads and incredible ocean views make it any motorbikers dream.

Once you've finished with this amazing drive, The Golden Bridge was awesome to see! The best time to go is as soon as it opens at 8am so you miss the massive rush of tourists and tour groups which is about 10 a.m onwards. There are so many people on the bridge it takes away the splendor of it. Also when you go early, you will most likely see loads of brides and grooms taking beautiful wedding pictures which was nice to see.

The cable car ride up to the bridge is one of the longest in the world and it's so much fun! Breathtaking views the whole way up and if you do go early, you usually get the cart to yourself.

Another must do is The Marble Mountains. These amazing mountains are full of tunnels, caves and Buddhist shrines just waiting to be explored! If you have plenty of energy and love a good mission, you can climb to the summit of one of the mountains and feast your eyes on spectacular views over the entire area.

Last but not least, is the Son Tra Peninsula. At the size of over 4000 hectares, this beautiful rainforest is massive! It juts out into the sea from the city of Da Nang with hikes to go on, incredible views and untouched beaches.

Hoi An

This was the first place that had a real backpacker feel to it. Plenty of hostels to choose from, great food all around and nightclubs next to the beach. We stayed in a hostel called "Tribee Ede hostel" which had a relaxing pool and buzzing bar area. Drinking games were played most evenings and even an amazing free food tour once a week. As I said earlier, Hoi An definitely has the best Banh Mi in Vietnam, along with other very tasty foods to try.

If your looking to get a suit or dress tailored, this is the place, with over 50 tailor shops to choose from and very fast service. I got a dress tailored within 24 hours!

Nha Trang

We weren't here for long but it was quite a cool place. Our hostel had free beer for a couple of hours at their rooftop bar which was awesome. Plus a yummy meal shared with other travelers, which was a great way to meet other backpackers and swap stories of Vietnam.

Dalat

Our hostel was not the best here, it had a curfu to be back by or they would lock the doors! So obviously we pushed boundaries ;) Most unusual thing I've come across with a hostel. So unfortunately we couldn't stay out past midnight but we still managed to have some fun. The best thing we found in Dalat was the Maze Bar! Never seen anything like it! It was literally a maze inside a building with bars on different floors, full of secret spots and a beautiful rooftop maze with a view of the city.

Ho Chi Minh

The last place on our Vietnam roadtrip! There is lots to do in this busy city. We were only here a few days so didn't do a huge amount. However going to a rooftop bar is a must here. We couldn't actually afford a drink at the one we went to, but did get to see the amazing view of the city!

We were lucky enough to be here for New Years Eve and got to meet up with a bunch of awesome travellers we met in Hoi An. New Years was such a crazy experience! With the most iconic strip of bars and clubs we have ever seen, packed with thousands of people enjoying the festivities.

After New Years madness we had to say goodbye to our mighty steeds! It was one of the best but hardest 4 weeks, full of amazing food, beautiful coffee, a lot of rain and great friends! Biking Vietnam... Not for the faint hearted.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ro & Ali

Ro: Hey! Tess has declared the hospital a no-go zone without saying any more, are you and the baby okay? Ro: I'm really worried Ro: Just hoping that you're both doing well Ali: I'm fine, we're both fine Ali: Don't worry Ali: There's just been...unexpected drama that needs to be dealt with Ali: but its not physical complications, both of us in good health Ro: Oh thank god! I've been praying since I first heard you two were off limits Ro: Anything I can do to help? Ali: Oh God Ali: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Ro Ro: No need to apologise you've been very busy and had much more important things on your mind Ali: There's every need, but also, more than every chance that it won't mean or do anything Ali: I've got to tell you something and its going to change everything and I'm Ali: Well, you'll see how I could not regret or be repentant for anything more Ro: Ali, you're scaring me Ro: What's wrong? Ali: Fuck Ali: Shit Ali: Sorry Posy Ali: There isn't any way to break this easily, ask Caleb, and that's why the 'rents have kept you all away because its so surreal and a mess Ali: but, the baby Ali: its white, Caleb isn't the Dad Ro: Oh Ali: and I know who it is, there's only one person it could be and believe me when I say he is the LAST person I would ever want it to be Ali: it was once, and protection was used and so many other circumstances that now just sound like excuses from someone who's trapped into their worst betrayal Ali: its Drew Ali: I don't know what to say beyond apologising 'til my final breath Ro: Wait....what....no Ro: You're not saying what I think you're saying Ro: What I just read Ro: Because that can't have happened, it wouldn't have Ali: It did Ali: shouldn't have but it did, I did Ali: it should go without saying that you weren't together but how can it now, and I know it does next to nothing to make it better Ali: and I wasn't with Caleb either but these things don't matter now, to anyone, I know Ro: I can't believe this, I don't want to Ro: When was this? Tell me that he didn't come back to me as though nothing had happened Ro: And you didn't just let it happen Ali: Me either Ali: but its happening, and its too late to change it or stop it Ali: He did Ali: I did Ali: I don't know why, I had reasons I convinced myself were right and the best for you but Ali: I'm just a coward Ali: I'm so sorry that my fuck ups are flaws have encroached on and tainted your life Ali: more sorry than I am able to show now, with all this between us Ro: How could you?! Ro: You should've told me Ro: In your silence I was continuing to tell him everything Ro: Give him everything Ro: Not to mention you. We don't have secrets Ali: I don't know, I truly don't Ali: I can shout good intentions from the rooftops but look where we are, and I wasn't ignorant of the old adage beforehand either so Ali: it happened when I believed, you too, that you were over for good Ali: I didn't think he'd come back...then your last birthday happened and I Ali: I didn't say anything, because by Uni, I thought he'd be gone again, and it could really be over, or he'd fuck it up himself Ali: I didn't want to be part of the fuck up, it was beyond cowardly, I know Ro: Don't you understand how little the timing matters? He was my boyfriend, the first, and I loved him Ro: I would never date any of your exes Ro: Sisters don't do that, Ali Ro: It's bad enough that you did, but to never say a word about it until your hand was forced Ro: It's the lowest Ali: I know Ali: I know Ali: Is there anything I can do? Ro: How could there be? You betrayed me Ali: But we're sisters Ro: Are we? Ro: Even Bea wouldn't do this Ali: It was a mistake, a stupid one that lasted 15 minutes if that Ali: Please Ali: Please I don't want to throw away everything we have, all that time, over that Ro: That makes it worse! You don't even feel anything for him Ro: It didn't mean anything to you but you still went ahead with it, despite knowing the consequences for us Ali: It wasn't like that, it didn't just happen because I could, because I was bored or whatever else Ali: it might not have been love but it wasn't that Ali: I was at my lowest, Caleb wasn't being a Father, nevermind a partner, I had two babies on my own and Junior was so...difficult Ali: I was alone and scared and drunk and then Drew was just there Ali: and willing to console Ali: It doesn't make it right, of course, but I would never just do it with no reasoning at all Ali: I'm not looking to be excused or forgiven, not immediately but please give me some hope because I can't lose everyone over this Ali: Please Ro: I don't have anything to give you Ro: I have no doubt you were feeling as bad as you say and I'm sorry for that, but I can't offer you any consolation. I need it for myself Ro: Of course Drew was willing, we've all known that for a long time, but I was just as certain, until now, that you'd never cross the same line Ali: I'm not asking for pity, just the chance at redemption Ali: not today, but one day Ro: What exactly do you expect time to change in regards to this? I already know that Drew didn't love me, perhaps ever, but you were supposed to Ro: You've broken my heart Ali: I won't speak for him on anything, especially that Ali: I do Ali: You can love someone and still manage to hurt them beyond repair Ali: If only love protected us from that Ro: Ours did, for me Ro: Do you know what it's like being next to you? I told myself it didn't have to matter because you never saw me as less than, protected me instead of making a fool out of me Ro: But here we find ourselves Ali: You aren't less than! You never have been, you're incredible Ali: I didn't do this to make you look any sort of way Ro: To who? You've treated me precisely how he also chose to, like I don't deserve and can't handle the truth Ro: Whatever you meant I feel ridiculous, worse than Ro: I've never felt as if I'm just one of many stupid girls in a row until now, for all of Drew's faults Ali: Would you have listened to me? Ali: Because, you knew, you KNEW Ali: and why is my betrayal worse than his Ali: just because it was par for the course from him Ro: Because he isn't my sister! Ro: He'll never matter as much as you Ro: I knew what I meant to him, and I thought I knew what I meant to you Ali: It didn't change what you mean to me, I didn't think of it in reference to you Ali: Obviously, and that was clearly a horribly selfish and cruel oversight on my part that I can only say sorry for again and again Ali: but he isn't you, and he was never good enough for you Ali: however wrong it so obviously is in hindsight Ali: to me, it didn't even touch on you and us and what we have Ali: you're so much more than him, deserve more Ali: again my mistake for thinking HE would be decent enough to leave you alone after Ro: There's what you say and there's what you did Ro: If I deserve so much, why would you do this to me? Ro: Why wouldn't you tell me that it had happened, more importantly Ro: It would have been my choice what happened next with him Ro: Not his Ali: Okay Ali: I did it because I thought it'd mean you stayed broken up, and he'd leave you alone Ali: but of course, you're right, it SHOULD have been your choice Ali: I didn't have any right to try and take that from you, into my own hands Ali: I was just...sick of him treating you how he did Ali: but I only made it worse Ali: of course I did Ro: Yes, well....on that point I can relate Ro: Does he know about the baby? Ali: Yes Ro: And Caleb? Ali: He's gone AWOL Ali: obviously he saw it wasn't HIS but, he didn't give me time to explain the rest Ali: trying to get hold of him stll Ro: Would you like me to start searching? Ro: I won't tell him anything obviously Ali: Oh Ro Ali: it would mean a lot if you could, not just for me if that's off-putting but for him and his family Ali: he doesn't have to speak to me if he's not ready...as long as he's safe, it would be good to at least know that Ro: I know. He deserves to know as soon as possible and it's highly unlikely Drew will be putting in any leg work himself besides running in the other direction Ro: It's safe to assume that was his reaction anyway Ali: Agreed. Ali: That was pretty much the gist, yes. Ro: I know where he'll be too, another safe assumption, if you'd like to get in touch with him as well Ali: That's okay, I think he said all he has to say Ali: If he changes his mind, he knows where we are Ali: Got no right to ask but are you going to talk to him? Ali: For you Ro: No Ro: I can't Ali: Understandable Ali: you don't owe him that, as much as you owe me nothing too Ali: If its any consolation, he's not being logical at all currently so I don't think you'd get any sort of answer from him, even one you don't want to hear Ro: He's rarely logical Ali: Indeed Ali: Well, now you know, I'll leave you alone Ro: How? Ro: You can't go to Caleb's which means we live in the same house Ali: I know but I'll go in with Rock or take the sofa Ali: I promise I'll give you space Ali: and then, we'll both be gone, before too long... Ro: With a newborn? No. I'll go and you can go back to pretending I don't exist Ali: Ro Ali: Please don't Ali: Did I really make you feel like that? Ro: You didn't and that's why it hurts so desperately, because I clearly don't exist to you as a actually am, and I never knew Ali: That is NOT how I feel Ali: What you're taking from this and what you think it means about you Ali: is not what I think, or anyone else Ali: I know I can't make you believe that, I wish I could Ro: It doesn't matter, as you've said, we'll both be gone soon regardless Ali: but not forever Ali: we're still family, we always will be Ro: You've got a growing family Ali: They don't replace you Ali: There's room for us all Ro: I wish it was that simple Ro: That I could be the eager aunt I was at the beginning of this conversation Ali: but you were my sister first Ali: even if you can't be that Ro: I know Ro: But sometimes I can barely remember a time when Drew and I weren't tangled together and I thought I'd got my head around us being apart before discovering that you're complicit in us both being ripped apart and staying together Ro: I honestly believed nobody could or would ever come between us Ali: you and Drew? Ali: but Ro- Ali: he was never faithful Ali: I just don't understand why you stayed with him Ali: so much happened before this Ro: You and I. We're so connected Ro: And yet you'll never understand Ro: I'll never be able to explain it Ro: We have such different eyes on the world, don't we? Ali: Oh Ali: But I WANT to Ali: and I will always try Ali: I always have, haven't I? Ali: That has to count for something Ro: It does and I hope it will continue to do so, if I can figure out how to get across to the 'there' Ro: It's not even your fault, that's what makes it impossible to deal with, that it's just another of my faults Ro: I thought I'd have a fresh start approaching but how can there ever be one now? Ali: You are the last person who's to blame Ali: it isn't at all your fault, not in any sense or in anyone's book but your own Ali: and you're just not right there Ali: the blame lies at mine, and Drew's respective doors, no one elses Ali: I'm just sorry I couldn't keep the rest away from you all too but Ali: She's here, the baby is here Ro: Don't you see that it is my fault, though, because I couldn't kill the part of myself that didn't need him, no matter what I tried it was never quite weak enough for me to walk away instead of back Ro: It's my fault that I was stupid enough to believe that he wanted to be around me, with me, so I let him in, constantly, keeping him around instead of letting go Ro: So there he stayed and here we are Ro: There isn't going to be a goodbye any more, he's in your lives and therefore mine, forever Ro: I don't know what to do with the idea of that Ro: Especially once the illusion of him has been utterly shattered Ali: Well, he did want you around, he must've, whether or not that was in the way he sold it to you, not for me to say but as much as he (and I, not absolving myself here, just talking about his role in it all) did lie and cheat, it doesn't mean everything he did, everything you experienced with him, was a deception or wrong Ali: and I know that that fact is harder Ali: that it would be easier to discredit it all, instead of having to sort through everything yourself and second-guess and categorise, working out what it was, what it means for you and who you'll be Ali: Heartbreak is akin to grief in so many ways you don't fully understand until you're there Ali: I don't think I've truly been there 'til now, either Ali: He plans for it to be a goodbye. Ali: I would prefer it if he would get himself together and could be in her life, as much as I don't want him in MINE forever either Ali: but he has no plans as of right now, quite the opposite. Ro: We can't let ourselves believe that's the thing he'll choose to abide by Ro: For her more than us Ro: Can I see you, both of you, I mean Ali: Yes Ali: Of course Ali: You always can Ali: Don't bring any of the others yet though, please Ali: Not even Mum and Dad know the full story, just that she's white and Caleb is gone Ro: I won't, I promise, it just doesn't seem right, or real, that we're all alone Ro: This scattered Ali: I feel the same Ali: Deserved in my case but it doesn't stop it being terrifying and just Ali: Horrible Ro: Deserved in both of cases, but I don't want to be scared as well as everything else and I don't wish it on you either Ali: Agree to disagree but I call a ceasefire Ali: At least from me, and I'd advise for you too, if only so security doesn't throw you out Ali: Insult to injury when you're very much within the right and your right Ali: Thanks, Ro Ali: You're too good, and I've never been more appreciative of the fact than now Ro: Okay Ro: No, I've never been good enough Ro: You and I both know that Ro: But I'm still here Ali: One day you'll feel different, and see yourself how I see you Ali: but for now Ali: Me too Ro: I'm leaving now Ro: Anything you need me to bring before I slip out of home? Ali: I'm pretty catered for but could you bring a nightie, please Ali: I'm wearing one of Caleb's baggy tops and Ali: yeah Ali: Now I just feel wrong Ro: Yes, sure Ro: I understand Ro: Can I still bring the baby's gift or will it simply add to the feeling? Ro: Not technically for you so Ali: Exactly Ali: If you still want to, I shan't deprive the little one Ali: already enough bad energy she's having to contend with at my expense Ro: We should do a cleanse or something Ro: I know it's been a while since we did anything of that sort but Ali: I'd like that Ali: I need that, in fact Ro: Okay Ro: I can't pretend to feel differently myself Ali: It'll be a starting point for some much needed healing Ali: Not a miracle but Ro: I hope so