#can't even have a good nervous breakdown because people keep calling and coming in and i have to switch to Cheerful Customer Service Malay

[gollumpanties]

well i'm so overwhelmed i just burst into tears ✌️

guess i'm not getting anything else done today. i have Reached My Limit.

[maryonmega]

Twin Stars - Chapter 14

Pleasant (bittersweet?)

Your hand stings. When you held it out, the area where you held your dagger was darkened. Of course it is. No scars means no callouses. 

It's fine. You're not actually hurt aside from that. You didn't give the poor child even more survivor guilt. Everything is fine. 

Now that you have Nille's hand in yours, you can tell that it's very calloused, too. Everyone around you works hard and it shows in their bodies. 

You don't need to show in your body. You can feel yours in your soul. 

"Thank you. For helping us. Truth is, I don't know a lot of combat craft..."

"Not everyone does. What matters is that That everyone is okay now."

You say everyone, but you're still looking at Bonbon. They're not smiling. The carefree smile they had telling you two about how the party met the lady is long gone. Makes sense. But no one's bleeding, so it should be fine soon enough. And no one will. You're sure of that. Even if that encounter was not a fib. 

Because... even if you are an orchid character, doesn't mean you can't act. 

"Still." She rubs your hand. It's comforting. As odd as that sounds. Accepting her touch doesn't feel like a betrayal. Just like neither does saying her name. It's like she's the one solid evidence of the vague idea you had back there, with Mirabelle. Ironic, how what's keeping you in this plane mostly comes from women "Thank you, Sisyphus."

The idea that crosses your mind is absurd, but, after that scare, you can brush it off as a "heat of the moment" thing. Because you're not overthinker Siffrin.

"I can show you some, if you want."

"It'd be nice, yeah."

"That was so cool!" Bonbon says. You... not surprised, after the tension broke and everyone is okay. That last part sure is important for them, you know.

Your eyes sting. You hold them in. Bonnie's alright, you have no reason to cry.

"Think nothing of that, kiddo. You have to know how to look after yourself, when out and about." You breath in, and out. Nille accepted your offer "What's your craft type, by the way?"

"I'm a paper type."

What?

"What?"

"Don't look like it?" She's smirking. Did she- she thinks your shock is funny? "You're not the first."

"Figures!" She could snap you like a stick! And made a protective stance! Don't judge a book by the cover indeed!

"Of course, if that makes things hard..."

"No, no, the idea is kind of similar, I guess. I'll help you!"

"You could help me too. I want to make people stronger." You can almost hear the like Za in Bon's voice. You're not surpised they choose this route. You... You're not surprised at all...

"Maybe, maybe..." You mumble. You feel yourself slump on the cart.

You can feel the silence after that.

~~

The lady drops you off at the town she was staying. Her caravan was there for a fair that would happen a few days later.

You'd be more surprised if the party didn't decide to stick around a little longer after that. You should have seen the return of the alliances, however. In a way. The seven of you decide beforehand, as well as a meeting spot. It was, good, to have something on the forefront of subjects so you won't have to worry too much about saying too much. You're sure it's gonna be mostly looking, anyway. 

You don't breakdown on Mirabelle again, you don't feel sick when, the day of, you eat a cheese croissant, you even find yourself smirking to the looks Stardust and Bon give you. You do feel pressure on your throat when it downs on you that you're calling them Bonnie and has to pass it off as "wrong pipe", but overall, the moment comes with no big incident.

You have not third wheeled early morning and don't want to ruin the day by doing so now. Looking at trinkets could be nice but you know you'll be too nervous around Madame to actually enjoy. Who does that leave you with? Today is "together with the coastal siblings" day, it seens. That... sure will help with your little situation, you're sure. 

Bonnie seens more than entusiastic about the booths. Not "disturb others" level, good thing, but has been all but dragging you both. An almost comical image, in part due to your sizes.  

You are taken by surprise when they keep having their eye caught by little crafted (in the artsy sense, not the spell sense) animals – a crouchet bunny, a porcelain hen with chicks, a wodden rather specific type of fish with a joint to move it's tail – although not in a way that tips to wanting to have one, and your surprise give you a wave of sadness. 

Did you forget about this? About this side of Bonbon, Bonnie, Boniface, when you gradually stripped them and others of their dimensions? Did you never know that, your time before the start too taken by a mix of fear and escapism to have less than surface level things emerge? 

Is it a difference, something more to indicate that this is another minor-case-k kid? Not your Bonbon despite everything? Someone who you'll have to know again, as much as you are to them now? 

... 

Much like with your birth name, you're hit with the reality that you'll never know. 

You watch Nille lift a hen decoration with eggs under it and admit that it's cute but easy to get distracted and break. 

Madame was right, she is young. Sure, twenty one is an adult, but Bonnie doesn't remember their parents. The start must have been rough. You'd know, but... Not really. You had to grow up too fast, too, but at least you only had to worry about yourself. 

And, now, after a crisis that affected the both of them personally, you're intruding in their moment. You should leave, though, seeing the song and dance happening, you feel like you should do something, yet anything you choose will be wrong. 

You feel a tug in your heart.

You pinch at the cloth of your sleeves. Not most, far from most, but some of the stuff is rather cheap. Maybe...

You grab a little bird. Or rather, a head, a torso, a tail and two wings separated with strings conecting them. It's clearly meant to be a decoration rather than a toy, but will have to do. 

"I'm having this little guy. You guys want a little guy too?"

"Oh no don't worry." "No. I'm no baby."

Yup, no surprise at all. You nod and walk out with your dismembered bird and leave the two to have their moment without a prying eye. 

...

You're going to regret it. 

You don't pick an expensive one. A little sheep that you can hold between your fingers. Too much at once can be overwhelming. You take your sweet time putting everything back in place before paying, then hide the toy in your pocket. Later. 

You consider wandering to let them have more time, but, you're not as much of a corvid as your Stardust. You choose to drag your feet and act distracted with the bird that maybe you'll crudely sew into your turttleneck just to justify having it. 

"Hey, sorry for taking so long."

Best thing you can do, really. Let them have their moments. Even if it's just audience seat, it's great that there's no forth wall. 

When you all are done and go find where to sleep, you put your hand on the pocket to grab the little toy sheep, and your finger brushes on something you haven't thought about in a while. 

You still have to return Stardust's coin. 

...

Well, you don't have to give the sheep now. 

It was a fun little time, but pretty much it. It's not like shopping was the main objective, after all. South still took priority, with your starting point. A silver coin and a tiny dolly weight nothing, but you're so aware of them in your pocket that they might as well be a twenty pounds heavy.

Vaugard is beautiful even in autumn. It's not full of mountains, at least not in the route you all chose (well, the party chose, but you wouldn't complain). Climbing doesn't sound like the right word for what happens next. Hike? Maybe. You should get a dictionary too. One of the few things you're sure of now is that Bonnie wants to bite your arm untill you drop the block of cheese.

All the walking left you tired to the bones and made the bedrolls of the camp lure you like a siren call and the chilling air around made putting out the fire feel like a crime. But! It's fine! You're not heartless, in any sense now. You offer to Mira to use your cloak as a shared blanket out of kindness! Not because you want that very normal to want and very much achievable good grade in party member! 

"You don't have to do that. It's your cloak."

"Yes, it's mine, and I can do what I want with it, including sharing."

Stars, you sound like a child. It's true, though.

Mirabelle lets out a small sound, then crawls closer, still clinging to her own blanket. You don't think about how you were already close by sharing a tent and now the folds of the blankets are the only barrier that isn't mental. You unclasp your cloak and let it fall over the two of you, the craft doing it's trick if the relief on her face was a good indicator. 

"Thank you."

"Think nothing of it."

If she does, she might pity you more. You don't want your new-old friendship to start with pity. 

For some time, you're not sure how long, you just lie awake and watch her breath. 

...

You rub the leftover sleep off your eyes. 

You can't quite remember your dream, but you feel... somehow different. Light. Maybe it's just the rest, your body thanking you for taking care of it for once. 

Why do you also feel like you should beware mint? How specific. 

You get out from under the cloak and blanket and get out as carefully as you can to not wake her up. You're cold like a snake with bad circulation, but that's alright. The goosebumps in your skin are almost welcome, even now. Besides, you don't have to stay cold for very long. It's easier to find dry sticks in fall. Because! You're nice! And it's easier now that you actually woke up during decent sunlight. And Bonbon will like that, you hope. 

The place you all stopped at is quite pretty. The trail is not too steep and is surrounded by vegetation made more interesting by the fall color changes, plus the rocks. If it wouldn't become too heavy soon, you could get some cool rocks. 

You make a pile with the sticks and some dry grass in the small circle of rocks that was made yesterday and do your best to light it up. The warmt is welcome on your face and through the fabric of your shirt. Not the same as your cloak, but welcome and brings feeling back to your fingertips. 

The sun doesn't move much by the time you hear a tent open. The siblings. Of course.

"So that's why it's warmer."

"Good morning to you too, Bonnie."

"G'morning." "Morning, Sisyphus."

Now seens like a good moment, no?

"I was thinking about making breakfast. Grilled cheese sandwiches!"

"And it's for things like this that I keep the pots and pans!" Yup, holding back in front of big sis.

"Snack leader doesn't share?"

"Oh, you don't know half of it." Pétronille said. You see her face become teasing.

"I'll wait to know, then."

...

You said that out loud?

"Well, Bon, if my idea is such an insult, then let me make a truce offer."

You stand up from where you were by the fire, and make your way back to the tent. Mira is still asleep. You dig into a pocket to find the little sheep. 

You walk back with your arms behind your back and your head hung in a way that makes your hair fall your face. You hope that will hide your little smile. 

You make a show of getting down to one knee and presenting the sheep. 

"Forgive me, my liege."

You wait. 

They don't take the sheep. For some time. This is starting to get awkward. 

You hear them hum and take it. You look up, and they have a rather serious look on their face. 

"Offer accepted." Bonnie say. You... don't think they're quite playing around, but you're not going to poke in case they are. 

The morning goes by smoothly. Sort of. Mira gave back your cloak and the others are in autumn clothes. Of course. You should know they would have those. The trail is still quite a sight. After your life as a wanderer became a bitter memory, who would know something similar would be welcome?

It's another thing when you go back to walking - hiking! Hiking is the right word! - and Bonnie hangs back for a moment. Near you. 

They look serious. The little sheep has it's head poking out of their collar. 

"Sisy, you don't have a dead baby somewhere, do you?"

What?

"What?"

Was this Mirabelle's theory? She did see that you were(are) grieving, but...

"Belle thinks you had a baby but they died and that's why you're nice to me." Bonnie says, like it was just run-of-the-mill dumb gossip "But that's stupid. She and Za don't have a baby but they're nice to me, too. And not everyone who has babies is nice to them. And I'm no baby, I'm already in the two digit club..."

They continue to talk about how the theory is stupid, and you feel yourself be pulled out of reality by the sheer dread creeping in your veins. 

Buying that sheep was a mistake No, if they liked it enough to tuck like that, than it was a good thing. 

But, oh, boy, you're blinded. More than you thought. 

[rollinouttahere-writes]

So you did a short Drabble about Mihawk finding Lizard, but what if Mihawk found Doll? We know that he’s on amicable terms with Shanks, so Shanks has probably told him about his daughter, and Mihawk may have even met Doll before, so would he bring her back to him, or would he listen to her if she was begging him to not send her back to her dad?

And if he did listen to her and decided to not give her back to Shanks, would he bring her to the Straw Hats, or would he also be a platonic yandere and want to keep her at his home?

Honestly I guess I would really just like to know more about the relationship between Mihawk and Doll, if you’re willing.

This one? Technically Buggy found her, Mihawk was just stuck trying to do damage control lol

Under a cut because I had a lot to say about them

Mihawk is one of the very few people that Shanks was okay with allowing Doll around, even going so far as to tell her to call him uncle Mihawk. They met a handful of times, and thanks to how observant Mihawk is, he could tell that something was... off. Doll's behavior was strange. She appeared to be torn between being excited to see someone new, but also being terrified and having no idea how to approach said new person. It's a very concerning way for a toddler to act, which led to Mihawk questioning Shanks about her.

Who is she? Where did she come from? Why is does she appear to have never socialized a day in her life?

Shanks, seeing nothing wrong with what he's done, is completely honest. He tells Mihawk about Kailani and how he "just had to" whisk away Doll when she wouldn't cooperate. He kinda skims over the whole Uta situation, but Mihawk is able to piece together that Doll has never been exposed to anyone outside of the ship because Shanks is scared of having a repeat of what happened to his first child.

Mihawk is empathetic to an extent. He doesn't have children of his own, but it's easy enough to imagine that losing one is a painful thing to go through. He encourages Shanks to consider letting Doll off the ship once in a while, but leaves it at that. It's a fresh wound, he's optimistic that he'll move on and ease up as it heals.

But as the years go by and they occasionally cross paths here and there, he realizes how naive it was to assume that. Doll has never seen a face outside of the crew and himself. Not only that, but as she gets older it becomes more and more apparent how infantilized she is. Anyone else would be training her hard to protect herself, but Shanks refuses to. Outside of lockpicking, she doesn't have a single useful skill. She can't fight at all.

It starts to bother Mihawk.

The last time he sees Doll before her escape, it's impossible to ignore how miserable she looks. Her eyes are bloodshot from stress and she's gone from being kind of fidgety to looking like she's about to have a nervous breakdown any second. Even the other members of Shanks crew can hardly stand to look at her, but there's nothing they can do because at the end of the day Shanks is their captain and they won't go against him.

While Shanks is occupied with getting more booze, she approaches Mihawk and clings to him while begging for him to help her leave. She's crying but doing her best to keep it quiet so as to not draw attention. She explains how she "found something she wasn't supposed to" and how awful it's been since that happened. The kid is borderline hysteric and promises that she won't be any trouble. He doesn't have to keep her around, he can ditch her at the first island they come across and she'll figure it out from there.

For a moment, he's heavily considering it, but then Shanks comes back. Mihawk covers for Doll by saying that all the noise overwhelmed her and that's why she's crying and upset. Shanks buys it, but he also then takes Doll away so she can rest in their room and get away from the noise.

Mihawk left without her that day, but he did not feel good about it. When he finds out she went missing, it is honestly a weight off his shoulders. He'd been genuinely thinking about sneaking her off the ship, but now it seems he won't need to. He does find himself to be concerned about how she is fairing. He knows she can't fight, so he can only hope she's with people who can. Then he finds out she's with the Straw Hats, and that really takes the edge off. She ought to be safe with them.

If they encountered each other again, Doll would be fearful of him taking her back to Shanks. As far as she could tell, he was as complicit as everyone else on that ship had been. Mihawk is quick to assure her that he has no such plans, he won't even mention having seeing her again to Shanks.

During this, he can't help but ask if she's picked up any fighting skills since her escape. Upon hearing that he hasn't, he nonchalantly says that he wouldn't be opposed to showing her the basics of sword fighting, should she be interested. He tries to act impartial, but he very much wants her to say yes.

He isn't yandere for her, but he does feel the need to help her when he can. It helps assuage the guilt of doing nothing all those years she was trapped on the Red Force for. He'll mislead Shanks and would even be willing to fight him if it meant giving Doll a chance to get away.

For someone who once rolled his eyes at being called "uncle Mihawk", he sure does live up to the title.

[skaruresonic]

idw sonic's nonsensical insistence that everyone wants to be good deep down is just stupid.

Everytime he tries asserting this dumb ideology it's with either people who joyfully choose to be evil everytime they have the option (eggman and the deadly six) or people who are literally incapable wanting or contemplating anything other than being evil (metal sonic and surge)

And the funniest part of all this? The one time idw Sonic DOES NOT preach about how everyone could have been good is when Starline dies. Starline the same guy who's biggest crime was an objectively smaller and less cruel version of Eggman's Metal Virus which corrupted/tormented every life form on the planet. According to IDW Sonic, Starline absolutely deserved death but Eggman who's objectively and frequently far worse is secretly a good guy.

This book should have never tried tackling themes of philosophy and free will. It is atrocious at handling the subject

Yeah.

In hindsight, it was rich of people to have spent all this time waxing poetic about how Sonic sees the good in everyone and omg do you want him to butcher his enemies, only to suddenly pull the "why are you feeling bad for Starline? he was a villain" card when it came to his death. Motherfuckers can't even be consistent on who deserves Sonic's compassion. Apparently he's just ~so merciful~ towards his enemies but he also picks and chooses, and it's like? Which is it? Sonic tells Surge he'd have been willing to give even Starline and Eggman a second chance, only to prove his words a bunch of hot air when he eulogizes Starline with "big oof." Because if he really believed that Starline was capable of becoming a better person, surely he'd have lamented the fact that Starline could now no longer change? Even if we examine the situation purely from an in-universe Watsonian perspective, it doesn't make sense for Sonic to be all "lmao rip" because he didn't know Starline well enough to make the judgment call that he was an irredeemable piece of shit. He only met the guy a few times. For all he knew, Starline could have been brainwashed, too.

Eggman, on the other hand, could say "I want to be evil" eight thousand times, no one gives a shit - his puppydog glance in 23 is all the proof Sonic needs to badger him to become "good" again.

Starline? Suffered a nervous breakdown and promptly died in a gruesome way? He was an awful person who had what was coming to him.

Make it make sense, bruh. Pick one.

Of course, as you've said, when you unpack the "Starline had it coming to him" sentiment, you find it really boils down to thinking Starline was somehow a worse villain than Eggman. Which we know to be bunk since Starline stole 90% of his shit from Eggman and doesn't even have a real body count, much less one to match Eggman's. People simply think he was the worse villain because we see the effects of his brainwashing up close and personal in Surge.

Speaking of Surge. :) Don't you love how Sonic essentially dismissed her pain with a shrug and a sigh? Here we have someone who, despite their destructive motivations, is fueled by genuine pain. And yet, because of the aforementioned inability to distinguish nuance, Sonic takes it as another "Guess I gotta whoop your ass until you stop being stupid and shake my hand" case. Which does not help Surge, to put it extremely lightly.

More and more you get the feeling Sonic doesn't care nearly as much as he claims he does, because his actions keep contradicting his words. Everyone is Good Deep Down, except you, Clearly Traumatized Girl. But I guess I'll give you a chance not because I actually believe you deserve one but out of the goodness of my own heart. Aren't I awesome.

The kicker, of course, is that none of this kerfuffle would exist were it not for Flynn's need to answer game questions that don't need to be raised. "Why does Sonic always let Eggman go?" Sonic doesn't really let Eggman go, for one thing; Eggman's good at escaping, for another; and for a third, maybe the games don't tackle this subject because it leads to this particular navel-gazing brand of bullshittery.

Flynn didn't like being called out on this, however. It was when issue 50 and the subsequent discourse rolled around that he decided to derail the subject by deflecting blame onto the audience.

He attempts a deep message, he bungles it, he gets mad when people point out how badly he bungled it, he insists folks should read "more adult material" because Sonic's just for kids anyway and why did you expect intelligent handling of the subject matter from him. When it's like. My brother in Christ, you are the one who brought the moral quandary to our attention to begin with. It's a copout to infantilize people for expecting you to have something to say about it lest you waste our time.

[alarrytale]

it’s okay if you don’t like louis and harry anymore, but i think it’s so much better and healthier to leave and find something you actually love and care about than stay and be bitter about them and finding something wrong with everything they say and do. i remember staying in fandoms that i didn’t enjoy anymore and feeling miserable and unhappy all the time. i don’t want that for anyone else. i wish you well and i hope you can find something that makes you happy

Hi, anon!

Of course it's okay to not like Harry or Louis anymore! Feeling that way is valid and it's very understandable due to their latest shenanigans. I wouldn't blame anyone for not being happy with them anymore or not finding fandom enjoyable anymore. This is our hobby and fandom should be enjoyable.

However, it's also okay to still be a fan of them, but reject or dislike a decision they make, an action, a song, their friends and family. You don’t have to like or enjoy everything they do to be a fan. Also, it's important to differentiate between the images they're projecting to the world and who they really are. For both Harry and Louis the differences between them and their images are huge. Mostly because they are gay and closeted and are projecting a super straight exaggerated image. Due to that huge discrepancy they are going to come off as very hypocritical and they are going to gaslight their fans. They are going to say one thing and do another thing the next minute. It's important to call them out and criticise them for behaviour that's out of line, no matter if you think it's due to their image or not. It's also important to point out when they are lying or faking it, and reject it. Refuse to be gaslighted, search through the fog and find the real them.

It's also okay to be disappointed in them, feel hurt and not loved as a fan by them, and question your love for them. Big events like parmageddon is bound to shake the fandom. Harry refusing to say anything against I*rael is a hard pill to swallow. Some fans cope by taking time off from fandom and reevaluate. Others, like me, cope with talking and discussing ourselves through the events and slowly digest it and find acceptance that way. Neither Harry nor Louis are perfect.

For me all that's happened this last month isn't even in the top five of worst things that's happened in my time in the fandom. I'm still pissed at what's happened and i hate their fake images more than ever. I need some time to digest it all, as i've already said, but i'll be fine. I know that's not really who they are, but how they treat their fans are still not okay. We all love them despite their images. It's a sad situation more than anything. The good still outweigh the bad for me. I'm not miserable nor unhappy. Just disappointed. I know things will get better, they always do.

I'm going to keep laughing at "Straight Harry"'s stunts and his absolute non-interest in women and i'm going to keep rolling my eyes at "Laddy, indie Louis"' attept to pretend it's cool to not know the lyrics to your own songs. I can do all that while still understand that they are doing all this because they are gay, closeted and under cruel contracts. I also understand that they've developed some shit coping mechanisms to deal with the closeting and industry pressure. A shaved head is preferable to a nervous breakdown or rehab though. I know why parmageddon had to happen, but that doesn’t mean i or the rest of fandom has to tolerate it and pretend everything is fine. It's not. Some people also can't move on as quickly as others, because the cut runs deeper for them. We need to let everyone deal with this how they need to in their own time.

Tldr: I'm going to keep calling them out when they show bad behaviour, i'm going to expect better from them because i know they can be, and i'm going to call out the hypocricy between the image they're portraying and who they really are. If you can’t tell the difference then that's on you and not me.

[jedi-bird]

I made it through yesterday.

(Warning for death mentions and depressive episodes below cut)

I made it through yesterday. I made it through easier than I expected honestly. The days leading up to it were not good. Yesterday, I was busy and had other things to occupy my attention. Today though, not so much.

Yesterday marked seven years since my grandfather died. He was the last of my direct family and the last one who actually cared about me. I didn't get to see him or talk to him for the last four months; a combination of too much work, weird hours, and my family giving me the wrong number for him. I got blamed for everything that happened. I used to be his full time caretaker, while still working a full time job, until I had a nervous breakdown and it became either someone else take care of him or I was probably going to kill myself. At the time he moved away (because care facilities here were more than we could afford and where he went meant that he had most of his family close and visiting daily), he was the healthiest he had been in years despite the repeated strokes. In four months, he'd be dead.

I miss him a lot lately, even though we fought constantly. I was the odd one out in the family. The only one who wasn't fully white, the only one willing to take care of people, the only one who had spent half their life being abused. My grandpa wasn't great, but he tried. He kicked my stepfather out of the house and banned him from ever visiting again (his exact words were I'll burn the house down before you step foot in here again). He took me to rodeos and bought me my first hat. We went to petting zoos and the movie. He taught me to garden, though admittedly it was more what not to do since half his stuff died immediately. We raised chickens together. We used to sing along to the sound of music every year, even after I got my job and spent most of my time trying to catch up on sleep; I'd come home, exhausted and hungry and just needing to be alone for a bit but still stop and sing edelweiss with him (I can still hear his off-key voice whenever I hear the song).

My grandpa was a liar and a jerk and treated my grandma horribly when they were younger. I miss him despite it all.

The year he died, my partner was also in the hospital. They didn't know what was wrong or if he'd make it. I got the call right before going to see him before I had to leave for work. I remember being numb, just not being able to focus or cope. I called my job, begging for the day off because I was afraid to drive and afraid to think and I needed to be with someone who understood. They told my no and said I needed to come in early. So I had to leave the one person who still loved me, who was sick and needed me, to drive almost two hours in traffic to find out I wasn't even necessary that day. I broke down, screaming at my manager in the break area in front of everyone. I was hysterically. They tried to backtrack, telling me they misunderstood and that I could go home. But what was I going home to? Two more hours in traffic to miss visiting hours, to have to go to an empty house full of memories that I couldn't acknowledge yet. I spent most of my shift sobbing in the back areas, no one really knowing how to help me. During all of this too, my family kept threatening to make me homeless. I didn't want to go on.

I don't know how I made it through that time. No one spoke to me for months other than my partner, who did get better eventually. I never got to cope with any of that, or my grandma's or mom's deaths. I just had to keep going.

So I made it through this year. Today is hard but I made it. In a few weeks, it'll be fourteen years since my grandma died, the woman who loved me unconditionally and raised me, and that's going to be hard. I'm afraid that this year, my stepfather will finally find me and I can't deal with that again; he's the reason more than anything that I hate my birthday and just wish it didn't exist. Then I'll be practically alone for the first month of the year and then the numbness will lift for a bit until spring, when I'll have to confront my mother's death again. I've been in therapy for years and it helps but sometimes it's not enough. I know I'll be fine, because I've kept going this long and I can go a bit longer. Each day is a step and breaks are allowed.

But fuck I'm tired right now. I miss the numbness.

[annyankers]

also hot take (?): but vampires DO have souls. the creation of a vampire in btvs lore is literally that a demonic essence/spirit/spiritual energy (in this instance a vampiric one and not some other kind of demon) enters a human corpse and parasitically latches on, altering the human corpse to better suit it with an initial burst of spooky evil demon magic (which is part of why i never think any lore that says vampire can't do magic makes sense like, how do you think they even function fam?). it then uses the info and identity of the former inhabitant that's all still locked up in those dead synapses to help it acclimate to the new dimension and build a sense of identity. you can argue that the vampire is not your dead friend but what is a person if not their memories and thoughts? all of which the vampire now shares too. so that's a fun little thing to puzzle on in philosophy class.

vampires in the buffy world are pretty explicitly a manufactured creature built of a demonic essence/entity grafted into a human cadaver which merge to make a new species which is why they're so low on the demon hierarchy. they're the most mongrel-y of all the half-breeds. what is the soul if not a spiritual essence that fuels and motivates the body? the metaphysical component that makes the system complete? what is the vampire of not a perversion of the human condition? does it not then stand that the vampire soul is the twisted mirror of the human one?

the thing is that while this is Kinda Common Sense when you sit down and just look at objectively how the vampire is made it's a dangerous concept in universe and we fall pray to believe the same propaganda built to ensnare our characters.

the slayer was made in almost the exact same process as a vampire only with a living subject-- a demonic essence grafted into a human host. there is no magic leash on a slayer, there are no words that can be chanted to bring her to heel, the watchers have to use standard psychological manipulation to control her. a slayer who realizes that she has more in common with vampires on a fundamental level than she does humans (tho not on a moral or motivation level obvs) is very dangerous to their control and to the concept of "slayer as sheepdog" as a whole. conditioning them to see vampires as animals and not sentient humanoid beings with thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, who have souls that while demonic are no less valid in their existence then any human one is integral to keeping the machine working and keeping your young emotionally/mentally vulnerable weapon from having a nervous breakdown because she just you know, massacred a whole bunch of people. fangy people, but people none the less.

btvs and the watcher council mentality the main btvs cast is tainted by is incredibly human centric, watch even a little of ats and it becomes glaringly obvious. ats is extremely flawed but one of it's strongest points was letting us see the expanded world of demons and non-human culture. the issue is then that buffy and co come off as rabid human-centrists because of how they talk about vampires and demons as a whole. there's a reason tara didn't want them to know she was half demon when she thought that line was true. the scoobies spout anti-demon rhetoric like it's their jobs. the way they treat anya is horrendous and it's because she has the Taint of demon and neurodivergence coding (which is a whole different kettle so).

the continued talk about spike like he's a subhuman while he's either at their mercy or on their side is galling. you cannot be called the good guys and then treat other sentient creatures like animals and vermin to be killed or mocked for your amusement. full stop. you cannot claim a moral high ground and behave like this which is what the scoobies consistently claim. they believe they are in the moral right and have the moral high ground consistently. when in reality they are pretty fucked up and have done repugnant immoral shit multiple times (hello all the various scoobie caused invasions of personal autonomy!). you can be a protagonist and have uh... Dodgey Morals™ (ex. the punisher) but when you claim you are better because you have better morals but also refuse to see the other side as even worthy of being seen as a truly living creature with like feelings and shit now i'm treating you with contempt.

there are people who will say that buffy was the sole victim of the toxicity that is s6 spuffy but if you believe that you also are tacitly agreeing that her belief that spike is an "it", an animal with no bodily autonomy to respect or feelings to hurt or be manipulated is true. and why? because he's a vampire? he has a soul, a demonic soul. he literally would not exist if a metaphysical entity/force hadn't entered william pratt's fucking corpse and make it theirs. this is an inherently repugnant act and even if we all sit down and agree she did nothing else to contribute to this toxicity she still looked another sentient being who she knew had some kind of feelings for her, used his want and his desperation to abuse herself with and spent the entire time considering him as something between cattle and a lamp. i'm sorry but that's wildly fucked up at it's core and if you can't see that i worry for you.

what if she was dating a nice half-bracken guy and she did all that shit to him? if he tried to stop her from turning herself in for a crime she didn't commit and then beat him bloody and called him an it, a thing, not a person, not real? are you still okay with that because he's a demon? are humans the only species in your eyes with the right to personhood in this universe? do you, like buffy and co, prefer to take the words of a group known to manipulate everything and who treat girls like buffy as things themselves over the evidence you see before your eyes on screen and the actions and words of the demons themselves? buffy's actions towards spike from s4 to s6 are repugnant because they're no longer enemies and she's no longer the council's attack dog but she still refuses to give him the basic decency of personhood.

and you can get into all kinds about shit about how vampires are evil and he's done terrible things and i will not respect you for using any of that to try and say it's okay to treat someone who you relay on or are in any kind of relationship with like they're a thing. otherization and depersonification are tools used to make it "okay" to commit atrocities. for every spike who you say it's "okay" to treat like an animal, there's a harmony who isn't really all that bad and happily switches to bagged blood and integrates pretty peacefully into human society when given the chance. and she will get put right next to spike as an animal to be killed because she doesn't matter. using his past actions to deny him the right of personhood is a lazy tactic to divert the discussion and absolve buffy and co of moral failings.

the nazis are also evil, but i will not deny they are people. doesn't mean i wouldn't take the shot if i had one if i was put in that position. it just means i acknowledge i ended a life that probably meant something to someone. and that's my issue with buffy and co. that's my issue with "vampires are soulless" and buffy's treatment of spike in s6 and how people talk about it. regardless of literally anything else either of them did, denying another sentient being the right to be acknowledged as one while still demanding things from them is inherently a core repugnant act. she is willing to use his feelings and body for her advantage but also refuses to respect them as real and just as valid as hers. again, how would you feel if she treated lorne like this? if she demanded things of him but didn't respect his basic right to be seen as a valid sentient being just like her?

in btvs vampires have souls, demons have souls, and they all deserve the basic decency to have that acknowledged. even by the slayer. especially by the slayer frankly since she is also in her own way One Of Them and if she's going to hunt them down and kill them she can at least acknowledge that she ended a life and didn't just flip an off switch. if you can't get with this whole concept of the validity of non-human life in a universe where the MCs humanity is frequently questioned and the Other and Otherism is frequently a theme then i really am not interested in talking to you.

[kpop-dungeon-dark]

Sinners. (Stalker!San x You)

•TRIGGER WARNING•

Warning(s): Semi Non-Con, sadism, masochism, fear kink, hair play, head shaving, complete submission, humiliation, degradation, anal, camera play, piercing, denial, chastity, Psycho!San, twisted and dark fucked up shit. Read at your own risk. You've been warned. This isn't for everyone. It is purely fiction and doesn't reflect any individual's behavior nor does it encourage it.

It was early in the morning and she was about to go to college in an hour. But instead of running around having breakfast, getting ready and making sure she had her assignments ready, Y/n was standing in front of her mirror, eyes closed as she touched her pussy and touched an electric razor to her head, imagining what it'd feel like if it was on and an imaginary 'Master' was forcefully shearing her. Like a sheep. "Ahh... Master… please..." The girl let a whimper fall from her lips, having no idea that the curtains of her room were open and someone could watch her through the window.

"Fuck…" The man standing outside, behind the PCO booth on the sidewalk outside Y/n's apartment complex whispered to himself, feeling his jeans tighten. Taking a picture of the girl before switching it to video mode, planning to send her the photo later. It had been a while now. Maybe a bit more than a while. He was ready and sure now, unable to wait anymore.

San had to have Y/n now.

He had to claim her rightfully his. Or, he felt like he'd lose his mind now. Just watching the pretty girl wasn't enough anymore. He wanted to touch her, feel her, tell her, that he knew… He knew that she wasn't as innocent as she made herself look in front of the people that knew her. That she was actually a hormonal little dirty girl. And whilst nobody knew that nasty side of her, he did. The thought made the man feel powerful. In control. Like he had a claim over Y/n.

There was no way in hell that she wasn't made for him.

Y/n got done with masturbating and packed up before going to college, having no idea that she had a stalker. The girl spent her usual regular day at college, having no idea of the storm that was coming.

.

San knew Y/n were in class and that’s exactly when he wanted to send her the photo he took. A sick smirk made its way on his face and he took his phone out, sending it with the caption, 'having fun there?' He knew where she sat, a lone desk by one of the windows in this classroom, the spot he was standing in providing him a clear view of her face. Yes. The man had all the information he could gather about her memorized by heart.

Y/n was drifting off when she suddenly felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, peeking at the Professor sneakily, the girl took it out and unlocked it only to choke on her breath before starting to cough, making some heads turn which caused her to put the device in her hand away to prevent it getting seized. Her blood ran cold and skin paled.

What the fuck just happened?!

San patiently waited for the female to exit her college, her being earlier than the usual time today, however. The man grinned deviously as he texted her again once she passed by him in a hurry, his taller figure getting up to follow her.

'Will you give that show again? Would you like someone to shave your hair off? That’s what gets you off right?' It shamelessly read, making her tremble.

Y/n started to rush towards her house as she didn't live too far away from her college, not having to use any vehicle because it was barely a 10 minute walk as she nervously glanced around. She was quite twisted herself. And so, a dark part of her mind thought... things, making her start to shudder as tears welled up in self hatred. She hated the soft pounds in her southern region, overpowering the thump of her heart ringing in her ears as she reached the building and rushed in.

'What's the rush for, Princess? Are you so eager to touch yourself again? Tsk. Are you horny? Knowing someone is watching you?' San was absolutely sick in the head. Chuckling at his own text, he bit his lip and hit send.

Y/n was shaking as she read the message. Yes. In her fantasies this was… thrilling, exciting, pussy throbbing and she'd like to play like this with her top but… a legit stalker? She wasn't THAT fucked. Or so the girl belived, at least. Rushing to the curtains after locking the front door, the girl drew them while trying to catch someone's glance outside but no luck.

San had mastered the art of hiding as he watched her. It wasn't like this was new or anything.

Y/n felt hopeless. She couldn't even call the cops! What would the girl show them as evidence?! She didn't want to tell or show them this! Her filthiest desire.

The 21 year old was having a mental breakdown! All her savings were in this college. She could not run away, didn't have any friends because Y/n was a foreigner and the people of this country were rather hostile to any outsiders. Couldn't go back home because she had run away from there, which was a hell in itself, when she had received her acceptance letter.

'Aww come on now!' Her phone pinged again, and then again. 'You can’t keep the fun all to yourself!'

The realisation felt like a bucket of ice cold water everytime she was reminded of it. The person had seen her masturbating and that to the fucking… razor! They knew her fantasies and at that the darkest ones! She couldn't even text them back asking him who it was! The girl was simply too embarrassed to! What if it were someone she knew in her college or around the apartment complex!

It was a dark day and it started raining. Y/n felt tears streaming down her face as her heart beat never slowed down, more terror filling her as everything outside got dark and thunder struck.

Maybe she should call the cops... No one else would help a foreigner… She just knew it. Nobody liked college students especially that lived alone because they were 'reckless' and often lied to get a good laugh out of the elders with their friends. So no one really opened their door for a student they didn't know personally.

But what would she tell the cops?! They ask for evidence!

Meanwhile, San stood on the spot he had found. Even if it was literally the end of the world, he'd still be there. Always. She was his and he had to have her all to himself. There was no other way. The man wasn't exactly sure how he'd do it but he’ll find a way.

.

Y/n called the cops at last when she started suspecting someone's presence outside her apartment. Or window… she wasn't sure anymore. And the loud thunder outside didn't help her situation. Dialing the police the scared girl told them she was afraid someone was stalking her and needed an officer for security right now. i Telling them about the texts and deciding to leave the nasty parts out, she sighed in somewhat relief when they informed that they will send an officer on the way. The student grabbed a water from the fridge and sat on the couch, taking huge gulps while trying to calm down.

Finally.

It only took some minutes before there was a knock on the door. A nervous Y/n looked through the peep hole to only cry out in relief when she saw the uniform through it. "Oh! Thank God, officer! Thank you so much! You're here!" She  was overjoyed. "Thank you! I- I am so scared!" A weak sob left her. "Please come in!"

The officer looked around the house, nodding. "I need you to calm down, miss. Tell me everything. We are here with you." His tone was professional. His name plate read 'Park Seonghwa'.

"I- I have a stalker! I don't know how!" Y/n quickly locked the door after he stepped in. "Not many people like me because I am a foreigner! I don't know if it's someone from college troubling me o- on purpose or what... B- But they've been sending me some really p- personal stuff..." She looked up at him innocently, scared.

The dark haired man hummed and nodded. "Do you maybe know the number? Have you noticed any suspicious activity around you before? Is there someone who has a motive to do this?"

"N- No... I got the first text today... I- I am really scared... I've got no one here... W- What do I do?" She told him all of it, hoping that the culprit he caught as soon as possible so she could go back to her life where she was a nobody. No one knew her and she was just another face among many others..

"Alright. We’ll keep a close eye on you. Within this period, try not to hang out too much, yeah? It is best to come directly home after college. And call us on this number if you suspect anything." He wrote a number on a paper and handed it to the shaky girl.

"Oh... Alright officer... thank you..." She saved the number gladly. And since he was supposed to stay with her to ensure the girl's safety, they sat down and Y/n awkwardly turned the TV on. Oh she never had a guy in her apartment before.

.

After getting used to the feeling of safety, Y/n got up after a while, finally having calmed down as she felt hungry. Cooking some dinner for two people, she went and handed the officer one of the two plates. "You've been here since evening... Please eat." She politely smiled, softly blushing from the embarrassment. The girl was too soft, continuously thanking him like it wasn't his job.

"You're a true hero..." She giggled and sat on the other couch, totally not thinking about how handsome he was. Before a sigh left her as she was reminded of the situation. "Officer... What will happen to my stalker when you catch him...?" He knew her darkest secrets. "I am really afraid... They mentioned some... things... very private... things..." The girl finally confessed.

“Mind telling me those things, miss? It will help us with his punishment. The more detail, the better” he placed his plate down, grabbing his pen and notepad.

"O- Officer... I uh..." Y/n gulped. "I- I can't..." She felt ashamed

“Why not? We should know so we can sentence him longer in the court. This is not okay. And you’re a foreigner. So it may also come under bullying.” His tone was soft and assuring as he looked at her, concerned.

It took the student a bit of persuasion before she spoke, hanging her head low and fingers fidgeting in her lap. "I... I was being naughty with myself... A- And they took p- pictures from my window... A- And taunted me about my... p- preferences, s- sir..." She put her own plate on the table now.

The man only hummed, nodding in an understanding manner. “That’s such a disgusting thing for him to do…” Before the man continued. “You shouldn’t do those nasty things while your windows are open either, Miss… You never know who will be watching.”

Y/n was blushing hard as her cheeks felt extremely hot. "I am sorry, s- sir... I won't do it again..." She couldn’t help but reply obediently. Her sub side sometimes got the best of her.

Besides… The officer was so handsome... It wasn’t helping her situation here.

.

A few hours later when it was bedtime and Y/n went to sleep in her room after taking care of her assignments and on the work she missed at school today, the officer got comfy on the couch. He was going to be here until tomorrow morning. Unless something happened. The girl was so tired she fell asleep easily, feeling protected and warm despite the terrible weather outside.

It was really late at night when Y/n woke up to a phone call.. "Hello?" It was the police, informing her that the officer that had been sent to her house had a bad ‘accident’ on the way and whether she still needed an officer.

The girl’s eyebrows at first in confusion before it sunk in and her blood ran cold as the phone fell from her shaking hands. At the same time she felt someone next to her. On the fucking bed. Pure terror filled her and she slowly turned to look at the relaxed figure dressed in the uniform. A shaky cry left her as she started trembling, literally mortified.

“Tsk... The stupid cops ruined the fun.” His voice was nowhere near that gentle and warm comforting voice now. Instead a low and deep hiss filled with nothing but mock.

.

San's eyebrows were frowned when he saw the cop car pulling up. "Oh no... you did not, Princess." The male smirked and shook his head slowly as he noted that it was only one officer. Moving through the shadows, he pulled out his blade from the pocket of his pants, expertly swirling it around in his hand and toying with it like he usually did. "Now, let’s see why do you need the officer, babygirl" his voice was barley a whisper as he made his way over to the car.

San was always so slick with his movements, catching the non-existent sounds of his figure were barely audible to the human ear. Before the officer could even realise there was someone around, the male had banged his head against one of the entrance walls of the low rent cheap apartment building, dragging him into the darkness with him before stealing his clothes and then dumping his body in the river along his car.

It didn't even take him long. He was fast, accurate in his calculations and confident in his abilities. "Now, to my Princess' rescue" chuckling to himself as he climbed the stairs, pinning the nameplate reading 'Park Seonghwa' on his breast pocket before ringing the bell to her apartment.

.

"The real fun is only starting" San sang as he pinned her down on the bed, holding her wrists tight above her head. "You have no idea how many nights I've watched you touch that bitchy cunt of yours." His hard bulge rubbed against her thigh.

An astonished Y/n was trembling, warm piss suddenly starting to leak out of her in pure terror as her heart threatened to burst out of the skin of her chest. Oh no! Is that what she thought this was?! It took her brain a few moments to understand it as the realisation sunk in like a ton of bricks. "Y- You... You're... You..." She could only whisper, eyes widened to the shape of saucers as an evil grin made its way on his features.

As San felt the bed getting warm, he started laughing at the girl condescendingly. "Look at you! Pissing yourself like a baby! How pathetic and disgusting! Did you really think anyone would help you, tsk?" He loved how she was shaking, the glow of her skin caused by the little droplets of sweat, her heartbeat that he could literally feel and the terror in her eyes.

Y/n started crying, the piss not stopping as it pooled inside her thighs. "Y- You're... You're the... stalker…" She whispered, still in disbelief as to how he managed that. "H- How did... How did you..." Oh God. Oh no.

The storm outside was so loud that screaming for help would just be in vain. It was so late no one would even be up...

"Baby, just like you said… I’m the stalker… I know everything about you…" His tone was sensual as he started kissing up the soft skin of her neck, moaning from how soft and delicate it felt. "Fuck! Your skin is even softer than i- it looks…" San felt himself twitch.

The girl was trembling as she slowly put it all together, staring at the ceiling as a feeling of despair and hopelessness filled her. "Y- You were p- pretending a- all this time! You're not the officer!" Adrenaline filled her as she kneed his cock, swiftly turning on her stomach and crawling off the bed before rushing out of the room. Nobody could hear the commotion. It was too loud outside.

"FUCK! YOU BITCH!" San yelled before laughing loudly. He loved this. Finally something enjoyable in his once lone and bland life. Holding his crotch, the male after her to catch the girl before she got away, catching her easily. "Where do you think you’re going?!" A smack landed on her face as punishment for what she did.

"LET ME GO! LET ME GO! Y- YOU CREEPY BASTARD!" Oh she would be getting a lot of beating for this! "H- HOW DARE YOU STALK ME A- AND THEN ENTER MY HOUSE! ILL R- REPORT YOU!" As she reached out to my table to hit him with something, her hand so conveniently ended up grabbing the razor and swung it back, going to hit him with it on the head.

San laughed tauntingly and caught her arm before she could hit him and shook his head, sighing. "Now now, isn’t this the razor you were holding when you played with that tiny little cunt of yours?" The shiny object dangled in his hand.

"P- PLEASE!" She remembered the text he'd sent her. "PLEASE! I- I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT DON'T DO THIS! PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" Y/n had no idea what to say.

"Aww sweetie…" His words were soft. Almost. "Keep your begs for the time when I'll be pounding that dirty little pussy of yours." San held her hands above her head. "You like to be owned, huh? You like to serve your Master and show everyone how much of an obedient little whore you are?"

Y/n was crying harder now, afraid because she didn't know what was going to happen. "N- No! Please no! It's not true! P- Please just let me go! I- I don't want to!" Oh but she had a being kidnapped and raped fantasy. She loved the thought of someone dangerous, like San, terrifying her and fucking her, making her into his cockwhore. And he knew it. She wanted it all. The girl loved the fear and force. But all of it actually happening was something she'd never thought of. "Please! Let me go!" How could it? A whole fantasy becoming true?

"Oh please, my little slut! Let’s not fool ourselves here. I know you love the thrill of this, I know you LOVE getting used like a worthless little toy and I will give you what you want. You can try to resist me all you want but you’ll never get away from me. You're mine. I'll always catch you. You're mine and belong with me." Her eyes were on the razor as she kept thinking about the text he'd sent.

Y/n tried to reach out of his iron strong hold and snatch the razor from him. "Nu-uh…" San sang out as he held the object above him. "What if I shaved your head while I’m destroying that slutty pussy, huh? Would you like that you little whore?"

"No! NO! NO PLEASE!" Oh… But she felt wetness trickling down her leg. Oh no.

"My my!" The man chuckled darkly. "What’s this?" He swiped a finger up her bare thigh. "God, you’re such a pathetic whore, trying to fool yourself by saying no but I know you’re enjoying this. How stupid and dumb. Stupid slut!" His free hand smacked her face before grabbing her hands again.

"N- No! No! Please stop! This i- isn't what it looks like!" Before she somehow broke free again, this time biting his hand before she managed to reach the door, trying to unlock it but her hands were sweaty and cold, fingers literally frozen as she struggled to open the locks, cursing when they kept slipping against the metal.

San pushed Y/n up against the door with the most force he could come up with and pounced himself on her, letting his hard cock feel up her ass. "Don’t fight it anymore." And with that, he pulled her pj shorts down and turned her around before spreading her legs and pushed her up against the door, unclothing his cock and aligning his tip against her vagina before forcefully thrusting into her without warning before moaning loudly, throwing his head back. "God! Such a tight little nasty cunt!" San moaned and kissed along her neck, feeling like he'd go crazy from how delicate and nice her skin tasted.

The girl moaned loudly in pain, a warm stream of blood trickling down the man's monster cock. "O- Oh my God!" A sick part of her wondered if he would also shave her head and face... "I- IT BURNS!" A scream tumbled out of her lips.

"Oh… You were a virgin? Such a nasty little thing. Everyone thinks you’re an innocent little girl but in reality, you’re just a needy little bitch! Needy for cock! All the time!" He picked her up and carried the girl back to her room while still keeping his cock in her before plugging the razor in. "Come here!"

Oh yes. Oh no! Oh… She was having a battle with herself. Did she want this or did she not want this?! "PLEASE... S- SIR..."  Please yes or please no...? She didn't even know what was happening anymore. This was fucking crazy. Her stalker who had done God knows what to the cop and had entered her house after watching her for who knew how long. The stalker that had a private photo of her and she didn't even know how many other materials. And now was on top of her like this...

"Please what, babydoll?" San pulled her in and kissed the soft trembling lips roughly, loving how good she tasted and felt.

Y/n cried against his lips, the man's huge cock still in her wet and tight walls. "I- I am scared! P- People will laugh!" Was that the only thing she cared about?

"So you want me to, but scared people will laugh?" San smirked while pushing his hips back and forth, moaning with each thrust. "Let them laugh, that will turn you on even more because you love getting humiliated. I know you too well, baby.”

Y/n had faced such rejection and hostility her whole life from different people she had trusted with her safety from time to time… this was driving her crazy. Her messy emotions got the best of her at the end of it. Her breaths were heavy. "Y- You're right... You know me so well..." She started speaking his language. "Y- You want me? O- Or you'll leave me too?" This was wrong; sick.

“No. I am staying by your side and you’re staying by me. I’ve wanted you for so long... you have no idea.” He groaned at how good she felt, biting back the whimpers threatening to fall out of his lips from the pleasure. “You have no idea just how many nights I have jerked off thinking it was your tiny little pussy, hugging my cock as you moaned and begged me for more, slut.”

The girl blushed, feeling like she was dreaming. This felt perfect… at least to her troubled mind. "You're crazy... You're scary... You made me piss myself out of pure…” She whispered slowly, a small smile making its way on her lips. “...P- Please own me... P- Please shave me... my head and face... make me look like a dumb slut... s- sir... Your dumb slut..." Her shaky hand turned the razor on for him, pussy suddenly clenching around him as she finally acknowledged the pleasure it was receiving, a soft moan escaping her.

“Mmm... that’s my good slut” San hummed and praised, taking the now on machine and placing it against her hairline before running it down the top of her head, both of them moaning, Y/n from the feeling and San from the sight of the sight of now small bristles between her locks as his hips pushed in and out even faster.

The man now shaved off another strip from the spot besides the previously shaved one, humming as he remembered something and took the machine to her eyebrows first and pressed it against the skin, feeling himself hit her g-spot as her eyes rolled to the top of her head, mouth falling open as the male erased the hair above her eyes.

"Yes, s- sir! Please make me your good slut! I- I love you! I'll never leave you! Please never leave me, Master!" She started crying out of joy, kissing his hands as her unstable emotions made her feel absolute joy. He had accepted her as she truly was. In her darkest form. “Please write funny things o- on my skinhead when you’re done. I am a dumb whore!” To her, there wasn’t a man more great than him.

“Fuck yes… That you are.” San grunted as he started to shear the rest of her long locks like one would to a sheep. “You are my dumb little slut who will do nothing but serve her Master from now on!” His free hand landed a smack on her head which was showing up more and more, nothing but thin stubble covering the skin.

"Yes I will, Master! Please! Please treat me like trash!" Y/n clenched around him, near to cumming. “Trash that was born to take your cock! You're so good to me! I wish you'd snuck in my house this morning and raped me right there! I wish you'd have shaved my head and forced me to go to college like that! It would have been a pleasure to be humiliated like that and by you!” She was literally crying out of pleasure

“Oh..” The man chuckled while panting. “I will force you to go like this baby, don’t worry.” He promised as he snapped his hips even faster, feeling himself getting close from the sight and all her filthy confessions. “And I will wake you up by fucking you every morning, making you a mess and sending you off to college like that.” It was done, the only hair on the girl’s head slight messy stubble that he’d remove with a hand razor later to reveal the skin underneath.

"Yes, please! Please always only force me and rape me! Please keep me bald! Keep me at your feet! Please feed me your piss and cum! I want to be your hand and footrest! I want to be an object for you to fuck! A bitch for you to breed! Your little animal! I JUST WANT TO BE YOURS! I WANT TO BE THE DIRT UNDER YOUR FEET!" She was sobbing as she started cumming hard, her tiny body spasming in pleasure while holding one of San's hands because it was her first time cumming from sex.

Y/n wrapped her arms around him from the intensity of it and kissed him while he played with her tits, pinching her nipples painfully as he kissed the girl back and let her ride out her high before pulling out. “On your knees!” San kept pumped himself until he came all over the girl’s pretty face and mouth. “That’s my good little cumdumpster.”

She smiled and started to kiss his cock and hands in respect, then his balls. Y/n really had truly submitted. "You're perfect, Master! Where have you been all my life?!" A pout made its way on her lips as she whined, hugging his leg and kissing it, not daring to go further up out of fear.

San was satisfied with her behavior. “I’m here now baby… And I am never leaving.” He kissed the younger one and slapped her ass lightly after helping her get up. “Lets get cleaned, doll.”

"Master, I wanna drink your piss." She shamelessly told him, not standing up, taking his cum off her face with her hand and greedily sucking at it. "A- And I wanna kiss your feet!" She was way too eager for this.

The man chuckled at her request. “You want to drink my piss? Then open up, my whore.” San held his cock over her mouth before putting pressure on his bladder, whimpering before the hot stream hit her lips.

Y/n was obediently on her knees drinking all of it after cringing at the taste a little, moaning happily. It was her first time drinking anyone's piss. She was in heaven. She finally had an owner! The girl made sure not one drop went to waste. "Thank you so much, Master! It is amazing!" The younger one stopped drinking and let his piss wet her face before starting to kiss his feet, fully in her subspace.

“You’re such an obedient little girl.” San praised, not being able to hold back the smile as he watched her, never having imagined her willingly being like this for him in such a short time period. But then again, he wasn’t surprised. “Good girl.” He cooed patting her head.

Y/n desperately kissed his hand and grabbed it, starting to cry. "M- Master... everyone leaves me... P- Please don't leave me... I- I'll die!" She almost promised him, nothing short of a maniac. Maybe she was even more twisted than San, in a way

“I’ll never leave you, you’re mine and everyone will know that.” Cupping her cheeks, he passionately kissed her, already making plans in his head about how he will modify all of her features as his perfect little pet.

The girl giggled, sucking at his lips greedily. "Master! Your piss was on my face!" She tried to get it off. "Give it back! Ish mine!" Huffing, she lapped at his piss like a needy little bitch.

San chuckled from her antics and swiped his fingers on the pretty face before holding them up against her lips. “Open up…” He let her suck on the piss covering his fingers. “Fuck... you’re so perfect for me.”

Holding his arm like a child, Y/n started sucking on his fingers greedily, smiling. "Thank you, Master!" Before she made his fingers hit the back of her throat, making herself gag and loving it all. "Mashter Mashter! Whatsh your name?" The girl questioned while deep throating his fingers.

“It’s San, baby.” The man replied with a smile, watching her choke on his fingers, her warm drool trickling down his long fingers.

"Shan! Ish sho pretty! I am Y/n!" Letting go of his hand, she hugged him which was returned with a chuckle.

“I know, babygirl.”

"M- Mashter... I- I dunno why b- but... I- I shaw a video too a- and I want you to s- shove my shaved hair u- up my assh and i- in my mouth... a- and take picturesh... Hehe I am sho naughty!" His eyebrows raised as she hid in his chest, a smirk forming on his lips.

San patted her messily shaved head. “Yes. You are, baby. You’re fucking naughty but okay. Daddy is here to help his little girl with all her little disgusting whore fantasies.”

"Y- You wanna?" Before she chirped again. "Mashter I want to be owned like an object a-nd like an animal! I wanna be like a p- piggy! A- And I want you to b- beat me and whip me e- everywhere a- and I wanna be bruished! A- And I want to be raped all the time!" She was too fucking sick and twisted but now that she wasn’t afraid of being judged, she was letting all that was locked deep down out.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll treat you like one, baby.” San said before chuckling to himself, still in disbelief of just how fucked up she really was.

"A- And I want you to fuck my bummie and not let me cum for monthsh! I wanna be forshed to wear chashtity! I want you to make me cry and beg but you don't give in and only torture me more!" She told him. "Pleashe alwaysh shlap me and my head!"

“Fuck... you’re so naughty baby… I love it.” San almost moaned from the sight before getting a chunk of her shaved hair and shoved it in her mouth before getting his phone and taking pics of her all stuffed and messily bald like that.

The twisted girl smiled in the pictures and eagerly nodded, turning her fat ass in front of him now. "Please put hair in assh too!" She struggled to speak, smiling and posing for all of the pictures.

San actually wanted to take a video of him shoving hair up her ass and so that was what he simply did, laughing. “Look at this disgusting little dumb cock whore! So slutty and needy! Loving to be humiliated and looked like a dumb fucktoy by her owner!” He spat on her.

"Yesh I am! Yesh I am!" Y/n spoke with difficulty, showing her stuffed face and head too, arching her back, imagining herself a beauty goddess of her own kind. "My lobely mashter shaved me! And ish gonna treat me like hish trash and look! I habe hair up my assh! And in my fashe! I've got no eyebrowsh!"

“My good little slave… All mine… So submissive” San praised, kicking her ass in the camera and chuckling at her squeak, watching her clench the hair up when her pucker winked. “You’re really loving this, aren’t you?” Lifting her face, he spat on her forehead.

"I ammmm~" she whined, face red before starting to try to rub her cunt against the floor.

“Look at her trying to desperately rub her slutty cunts on the floor…” He filmed it all. Fuck. He loved seeing Y/n all dirty and submissive for him.

Drool was dripping down her chin and boobs. "Yesh Mashter! O- Onwy fow yoooouuu~" a needy whimper left her.

“Mmm... yes, only for me” San spoke and slapped her hard which the girl loved, getting even more wet and kissing his hands. "I- I... cum pleashe..." She whimpered again, loving the control she was in.

“No... get up.” San warned sternly. “You’re not allowed to cum, you’re never allowed to cum.”

"B- But... M- Mashter..." The girl pouted and whined, having forgotten that she was the one that told him that she wanted him to never let her cum and torture her like that.

“Are you talking back to your Master?” Raising an eyebrow, he gripped her chin before slapping her, making sure it was all being recorded so he could fuck her to it later.

Her pussy tingled. “N- No! No Mashtew owwiieee…” The hair in her ass and mouth tickled humiliatingly.

"That’s what I thought" San husked and threw the phone on the bed before pushing her on the carpet again. "Tell me when you’re close."

"M- Mashtewwww" Y/n started crying like a little baby, shaking and dropping the hair from her mouth because it was getting hard to breathe.

"Did I say you could drop the hair?!" The man growled darkly before pushing the hair back in. "Breathe through your nose, dumb slut!"

The girl let out a cry, trembling and sobbing as she nodded. He was rough. It was making her cry. But she also loved it and felt wet. "Yesh!" She loved being at Master's mercy.

"Good girl." He said pushing her down on the carpet more. "Rub yourself nice and hard slut." Y/n started rubbing herself as he ordered, feeling the carpet burn against her pussy but she couldn't help but love it, biting her bottom lip through her stuffed mouth. Oh… She loved it so much. The girl wanted it to bleed almost… Reaching out to hold his hand, the girl spoke. "You're sho perfect... I wish I'd m- met you when I wash l- little..."

"I wish that too baby, fuck... I’d fuck you every night while your parents were peacefully sleeping in the next room…"

"Y- You'd fuck me when I wash a little baby?" This was fucking revolting and twisted. They were both utterly sick. Y/n kept moaning loudly and getting wetter, rubbing harder and harder. "Y- Your fat cock i- in my toothlessh mouth... AHHH... I wouldn't need miwk... You'd have fed me your Mashtew milk fwom youw cock..."

"Fuck yes!" He growled as he felt himself getting hard. "Yes baby… I'd feed you my cum every day. You'd have grown up getting your nutrients from it, eh?"

"Daddy... Daddy... You'd be my Daddy? But inshtead of miwk you'd feed me youw cum evewyday? Ish the besht miwk!" She was very close and her eyes fluttered shut when he started playing with her tits and pinched her nipples before pulling at them. "Then I'd say I grew up drinking Mashtew's cock miwk! Hehehe!" The girl was too far gone.

"God, yes! You’re such a filthy and sick whore!" San knew she were close so he pulled her up. "No cumming!" It made the girl whine loudly and she fell on her face.

"Mashtewwwwww!" Before she curled in his feet, calming down a little when he didn't give in and ripped her pussy away from the carpet. "M- Mashtew... p- pleashe may I wemove haiw now...?" It was getting stuck to her mouth.

"Yes. You may, my little cum rag." The male wanted to use her mouth and feed her his cum so he allowed.

Y/n dropped it and quickly cleaned her tongue and inside of the cheeks with her tiny hands. "Bleg... hehe~" she curled in his waist, rubbing her tiny head against his chest.

"Good girl~" he patted her head before pushing her back in position. "Now use that mouth good baby…" San pushed his cock down her narrow throat, loving how tight and warm she was, making her gag from the rush of it in an instant.

The girl gagged but enjoyed it, loving it all. She quickly started sucking his cock, grazing her teeth against it and swirling her tongue. Y/n had watched all that porn for a reason. Kissing his balls, she sucked on them, whimpering from how his private hair tickled her nose.

"Fuck! look at you! Sucking on master’s cock like a starved bitch!" He slapped her again, feeling his shape against the skin of her cheeks. "You love it, don’t you?!"

"Yesh! Yesh! Yesh!" She hollowed her cheeks and bobbed her head up and down his shaft, sucking and whining as San rubbed the top of his foot against her pussy, smacking her bald head before pushing his cock all the way down her throat, tightly clasping the back of her head.

The man groaned loudly as he twitched in the soft walls of her throat, washing her throat with his hot semen before cleaning her up and finally shaving her head fully until there was nothing but glossy skin left before they went to bed.

"I have shchool tomorrow... Mashter do you go to shchool?" Y/n yawned as she snuggled into San's built chest, whimpering and smiling whenever the realisation of who he was hit her.

She loved being owned.

"No I don't. I will be right here when you come back, my pretty slut." San said while kissing her softly like he hadn't unleashed his sadistic likes on her.

"Why don't you go to school?" She suddenly pouted. "Then how will Mashter have a career?! You'll be poow! I dun wan poow Mashtew!" Y/n huffed brattily. She didn't really care about that, only wanting to see his response because she loved to piss off her top.

"You don’t really have a choice, sweetheart." The male gritted out. "You’re stuck with me forever. If I am living on the streets, you’re living with me."

She opened her mouth to brat but the bell rang. Rushing to the door, Y/n opened it to reveal a police officer. "Oh... hi..." The officer smiled a bit at her and asked the girl if she still needed an officer and why she had hung up when they called. "O- Oh no officer... I was just being paranoid... It wasn't anyone..." Y/n's cheeks blushed because she could see the officer was staring at her shiny bald head and eyebrows. Feeling herself getting wet as humiliation made her blush, Y/n found herself wondering what it'd feel like if he smacked her on her head. The girl's nipples got hard.

But oh... she couldn't cum!

"Okay then, be careful, Miss." He tipped her hat, nodding a little before walking off.

Y/n felt so wet. "Have a good night, officer!" A giggle left her as the man disappeared, starting to rub herself against the door up and down, running her hand against her head.

"Now, what was that?!" San deeply spoke, pushing the girl against the door, making her head hit against it embarrassingly. "Did you forget who alone can make you wet?!" The male yelled before slapping her. "You sick little exhibition loving whore! Not even you can do what you like to yourself! You're all mine! Only I can do whatever I please to your whore body!"

"Yes... You... You sir!" Y/n closed her eyes and held her hands above her head, lowering it for him to slap. "Please hit my head... Ugh... fuck me up... I want my head to be bruised... Ugh fuck! I am so wet... Please beat me!"

"What a disgusting little trash!" The man laughed, slapping her head this time. "You love people making fun of you, huh?"

"Yes I do! Yes I do!" She whined. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make fun of me! Humiliate me! Hit me and bruise me! Make fun of me! Humiliate and degrade me! I want my whole college to laugh at me!" A loud cry left her.

"Let’s get you bruised up, then." San decided and started slapping the girl's tiny head and face until it was all red and sore. Y/n was crying by the time he was done, literally sobbing as she just fell on her knees and knocked out of exhaustion, her owner carrying her to the bed and then laying next to her knocked out form.

"Good night, my love." The male kissed her soft and red cheek before falling asleep too, holding her fragile body close to his, his slumber calm and satisfying today after so long.

.

Y/n stirred as she felt her pussy being invaded the next morning, making her stir as she felt lips upon her own and fingers pinching her nipples as her other boob was being groaped, her pussy expanding and sucking in a huge cock. San's huge cock. "M- Master~!" She whispered out when her eyes flew open and she was met with San's face. "W- What… s- so early?!"

"I promised you I'd wake you by fucking you every morning, didn't I, my slut?" He grinned and attacked her lips, eliciting an excited gigglish moan out of her as he started to fuck her fast and rough, pushing his balls in all the way.

“Y- Yes! Yes! F- Fuck!” Her eyes rolled to the back of her head from the realisation that he had been fucking her in her sleep before she woke up, feeling him twitch inside her. “M- Master! I- I… c- cum…” Y/n tried to speak, her back arching from the pleasure of him biting on her nipples before smacking her bald head softly.

“Little breeding whores don’t get to cum, baby. They just take cock and let Master use them like the cum rags that they are.” San’s cock slammed in and out of her pussy, his hand gripping her neck for support when she clenched around him. “Fuck! So tight!”

Tears welled up in her eyes as her face got red from how rough his thrusts were, how much her clit was burning for stimulation, how much her ovaries hurt to cum. “Look at this hairless little whore! Unable to even breathe without my permission let alone cum!” He spat in her mouth before turning her around and pushing up her ass, chuckling when she whined out.

“Sorry, slut. Little whores don’t get what they want around here and only please Master as they are supposed to.” Grabbing a sharpie, San started writing on her head whilst choking her with one hand, pounding her harder and harder up her ass. “Hurry up and please your Master well so we can go to an important place before you go to school.”

‘I am a bald little nasty slut. Please hit my head. I love it.’ Was written on the back of her head as the man laughed, deciding to not tell her what he’d done just yet, waiting for her to find out later when the people on campus would be warming that cueball up.

.

Y/n was whimpering as San waved at her and she shakily walked inside her college with a bald head, wearing nothing inside her skirt as she sneakily pushed the slipping ass plug back inside her cum filled ass. Lowering her bald head now that she was outside and people were staring at her new look, the girl gulped and felt herself squeezing her legs when some girl giggled at her.

Fuck… She couldn’t help but bite her lip, loving the humiliation as her cheeks felt hot.

Master had gotten her pussy, septum and nipples pierced before walking her to college. He was going to buy a special leash for that that was going to be passed through all her piercings to ensure she was in his control at all times.

Her train of thoughts was broken when a smack landed on her head by a guy passing by before he chuckled at her shocked expression. Before the girl could question him, she received a text by San. A picture message. Of what was written on the back of her head.

Widening her eyes, Y/n gasped and her hand automatically grazed against her head. No wonder the piercing lady had lightly smacked it before Master and she had laughed at the girl. “N- No… you didn’t…” She whispered in shock before one of her ‘friends’ smacked her head, making it jerk forwards.

“Cute look, Y/n.” Before she walked off to class, the people passing by gave her looks and talked about her.

Fuck… She squeezed her thighs in utter humiliation as the wind blew, making her desperately try to keep her skirt down as wetness trickled down her thigh. The girl wasn’t allowed to touch herself and not cumming was one of the rules now upon Master’s order and her foolish confession. She had a whole day to last before getting home and begging him to let her earn it.

Her ass stuffed, body owned, everyone silently chuckling at her humiliating look and getting smacks to the head like that wasn’t going to help.

“Oh, Master…” She whined to herself in despair. “What have you done?”

.

[tuiccim]

Brassy (Part 6)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 1061

Warnings: Mostly fluff, some innuendo 

Summary: You and Bucky grow closer. 

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4  / Part 5

———————————-

You wake up to a soft knock at your door. Groggy and with eyes that feel like sandpaper, you sit up and call “Come in.”

Bucky comes in with a plate of food. “You slept through lunch. Thought you’d be hungry.”

“What times is it?” You say turning to look at your clock. 

“Almost two.” He walks over and sits on a corner of the bed holding out the plate to you. 

“Thanks.” You take the plate and put it in your lap. You stare down at it feeling completely awkward. "So, now that's twice in two weeks you've held me while I had a breakdown."

"What can I say? I have a way with women." Bucky smiles at you and touches your cheek. 

You smile back for a second but then become serious. "I don't know what I'm doing, Bucky. I think I missed the boat on how to do this. I don't…"

"We'll figure it out." He says.

"I'm scared." You whisper.

"I'm here." Bucky says. "Whatever you need." He pauses for a minute deep in thought and then looks at you. "I just realized, I told you how I felt about you and I'm pushing you to give me a chance but…"

Your heart drops. "But?"

"Do you even like me? I've been such a jerk to you." 

You calmly set the plate on your nightstand, take Bucky's face in your hands, and press your lips to his. He responds immediately and you share a sweet, soft kiss.

"Yeah, I like you a little bit." You say and he chuckles. 

"Can I take you to dinner tonight? Nothing fancy. Just something casual. Fun."

"Will you take me for a ride on your motorcycle?"

"Yes." Bucky says with a grin.

"Then it's a date." You grin back at him.

Bucky leaves your room and heads to Steve's. When Steve opens the door he says, "Hey. Ready to train?"

"Uh, I need to talk." Bucky says.

Steve backs up and Bucky closes the door behind him. "What's up, Buck?"

"(Y/N)."

"You two finally have an actual conversation?"

"Yeah. I'm surprised we didn't wake everyone last night yelling."

"What is the deal with you and her?"

Bucky explains your exchange leaving out the details of your past and when he's done he says, "She really thought no one could love her. That her only worth is being enhanced."

"Really? She's so confident all the time."

"She puts up a front."

"Yeah. So, you like her?"

"I asked her to give me a chance. She, uh, she said yes to a date tonight."

"That's great, Buck, but are you sure about this? She...she was HYDRA."

"So was I. She told me. I won't hold her past against her if she doesn't hold mine against me."

"Okay."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything, Bucky."

"Can you tell her how you feel about her?"

"Whoa, Buck. I don't feel that way about her." Steve smirks.

"No, punk. I just mean tell her she's your friend and you care about her. I think she needs to hear it." Bucky punches him in the arm.

"How did she agree to a date with a jerk like you?"  

"Let's go train. I feel the need to punch you." Bucky heads to the door with Steve following. 

A little later you head to the range. You are full of nervous energy and just want to shoot something. Natasha is there already.

“Hey.” She says.

“Hey.” You say back, loading your weapons. 

Natasha looks over at you, “You okay?”

“I...Nat, is the team your family?”

Natasha raises an eyebrow at the sudden question. “Where’s this coming from?”

“Bucky said that the team is my family now.”

“Bucky? Bucky said that to you?”

“Yeah, we kinda...I don’t know. Had it out last night. I asked him why he hated me and threw a water bottle at him. He, uh, he told me he liked me and he was jealous of me and Loki and we’re, uh, well,, we’re going on a date tonight.”

“That’s...a lot to digest.” Nat says.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s good. I wondered if that was why he was so pissed off around you. And, yes. You guys are my family. I’d do anything to make sure everyone was safe and happy.”

You look away and nod. You start fidgeting with your guns again when Nat says, “A date with Bucky.” You look at her to see her smirk.

You can’t help yourself. You smile. “Yeah.”

“Look at the smile! You like him, huh?” Nat sasses. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Nat! I’ve never dated. It was always just sex and...what the hell am I doing?”

“You’re changing.” Nat smiles at you. “It’s a good thing. I’ve been wondering when you would let yourself go. You hold a lot of yourself in.”

“Don’t we all?” You scoff. 

“Yeah, but for you it’s like you can’t accept when someone shows you they care. You always avoid it or run away from it. You’re a part of this family, too, and we all care about you.” Nat gives you a quick hug and leaves you alone to think. 

You pick up your gun, take aim, and start shooting. The familiarity feels good, but whatever this feeling is welling up inside of you, feels even better. 

At seven o'clock sharp Bucky knocked on your door. You nervously smooth your hair and move to the door. Taking a deep breath, you open it to a smiling Bucky.

"Hi, Doll. Ready to go?"

“Yeah.” Your stomach was nothing but butterflies You are so nervous about this whole thing. 

“You look great.” Bucky says. 

“Thanks.” You smile and bite your lip. Then you give a little laugh, “I don’t know the last time I was this nervous.”

“I make you nervous?” Bucky says with a little smirk. 

“This whole situation makes me nervous.” You laugh as you get on the elevator and head to the garage. 

“It’s a situation?” Bucky quirks an eyebrow at you. 

“You know what? I know exactly what will make this easier for me. Would you mind helping me out?”

“Anything I can do, Doll.”

“Great.” You grab Bucky’s lapels and pull him down for a kiss. You meld your mouth to his and open to invite him in. He takes no preamble and immediately deepens the kiss backing you into the wall. The elevator arrives at the garage and you finally part. 

“Mmm. Thanks. That helped a lot.” You smile up at him. 

“That’s, um, yeah. Anytime.” Bucky reaches out to catch the elevator door before it closes again. You slip out under his arm and walk over to his bike. 

“You promised to take me for a ride, right?” You were taunting him just a bit. 

“Yeah, Doll.” He looks at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He knows exactly what you are doing. He holds out a helmet to you and you get on the bike behind him. You press your body to his and secure your arms around his waist. 

He drives out into the city, weaving in and out of traffic expertly. You recognize where he’s going almost immediately. He stops in front of a diner in Brooklyn.

“I like your choice, Barnes.” You say. 

“Barnes? I thought I had graduated to Bucky.”

“Maybe I should come up with my own nickname for you.” You grin at him impishly. 

“As long as it’s not asshat.” He says.

“But it fit you so perfectly!” You laugh. 

“Not anymore, Doll.” He puts an arm around your shoulders and pulls you to him. 

You take a booth in the diner and order your meals. You spend the entire time talking and laughing. He really is easy to talk to and funny. After dinner, he takes you to a bookstore across the street. “You’re always reading something. I thought you’d like this place.”

“Observant.” You quirk a smile. 

“Have to be blind not to see that.” He scoffs and you laugh. 

You browse for a while occasionally pointing out books or tchotchkes to each other. Afterwards, you head back to Bucky’s motorcycle and he asks, “Are you ready to head back?”

“We can if you want to.”

“I could keep you out all night.” He looks at you with a grin. 

“What would Steve think if we broke curfew?” You sass. 

“Let’s go for a ride.” Bucky hands you the helmet and you hit the road. Occasionally, Bucky would rev the engine and take some unnecessary risks showing off a little bit and you got a thrill out of it. Eventually he turned the motorcycle into a park and guided it on to what looked like an old bridle path. The ride was bumpy and you made sure to grip him tightly as he made his way. Bucky pulled to a stop in a clearing and cut the engine. 

“So, do you often take your dates out to the middle of the woods in the dark?” You laugh. 

“We’re in the park. Hardly the middle of the woods. And, no, I don’t.” Bucky chuckles. He pulls a blanket out of one of the saddlebags, grabs your hand, and pulls you into the clearing. He looks up and you follow his lead. 

“Oh, wow. Full moon.” You say. Bucky spreads the blanket and holds a hand out to you. You both lay down looking up at the sky. 

“Was this a big date back in the 40s?” You joke. 

“If I was lucky.” Bucky grins.

“It’s a good date.” You laugh softly. “Nat and I were at the range earlier. I asked her if she considers the team her family and she said yes. She, um, she said I avoid letting people care for me and that I’m family. The team is. And that they all care for me.”

“Nat’s a smart one.” Bucky says as he takes your hand and intertwines your fingers.

“Did you ask her to say that?” You were a little suspicious. 

“No.” Bucky sighs, “But, truthfully, I asked Steve to tell you. To just let you know he cares about you. Not as a manipulation, but because I think you need to hear it from people. You need to hear it from the people that do care. That love you. It’s not an easy thing for most people to say.”

You were introspective for a minute and then the words just tumbled out. "I loved my mom. She hated me but she was my mom, ya know? I tried so hard to make her love me and she never could. That's when I gave up. I mean, if your mom can't love you, who will?"

"Do you know where she is?"

"Buried somewhere. I don't know. I don't want to know." You were both quiet for a few minutes.

"(Y/N)?" Bucky turns to you and whispers.

"Yeah?" You look over at him.

"You're beautiful." The way Bucky said it, you knew he didn't just mean physically. The way he looked at you almost made you want to cry.

"So are you, Bucky." You whispered back. He was chipping away at the hard shell around your heart. And you didn't want him to stop.

It was late when you finally made it to the tower and Bucky walked you to your bedroom door. He gives you a slow, sweet kiss. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Doll." 

"Good night." Your smile stays with you until you fall asleep.

Part 7

[the-eve-of-lies]

Jeongin as A Boyfriend For Hire

•Students should use their time wisely—it should be seperated into two categories: schoolworks and leisure time.

•You felt like you drained your time for schoolwork already.

•And if you had to make on more homework, you'd have a mental breakdown.

•If you did have a mental breakdown, the teachers wouldn't care and you'll suffer alone.

•You didn't want to suffer alone. At the very least, you should have someone to sympathise with.

•Thus, it led you to hire a boyfriend.

•But seeing as you were a smart student I envy you, you made sure to contact him before the day of the date.

•In the middle of the night, because you're good at that.

•To your surprise, he picked up, responding in a groggy tone.

•Because his voice was hoarse from sleep, you assumed he was a lot older than you.

•You didn't dislike older people but you needed someone to keep you sane from all the schoolwork so if you're going on a date with someone who has a successful job without even trying, it would make you feel worse.

•And it would seem like you have a sugar daddy. Their words, not yours.

• You instructed him to wear a school uniform to look as young as possible and before he could respond, you ended the call and drifted off to sleep.

• But Yang Jeongin lay awake in bed for a full hour, wondering why you had to remind him to wear a school uniform when the age range was clear.

• Were you older than him by any chance?

• He actually didn't mind being a sugar baby for hire.

• You were nervous since it was your first date and it was hired. Coupled with the fact that you were meeting an older guy wearing a school uniform.

• "WHAT IF HE'S AS OLD AS MY FATHER?!" you asked yourself, resorting to biting your nails and pacing in front of the school.

• Hey, you were being safe. What if this was actually a scam and the guy is a kidnapper/pedo? At least there'll be witnesses!

• You were surprised when someone poked your cheek since you were spacing out.

• It was a young teen who looks mysterious but handsome. And YOUR age!

• But his uniform is unrecognisable. •But oh wait, could it be—?

• He looked serious so you panicked for a bit.

• Did you piss him off somehow? Who was this guy?

• But then he smiled and it was the complete opposite of your expectations and impressions.

• He is so cute, smiling and being all bright and happy.

• You felt all of your problems lifting and ascending to heaven.

• He chuckled and introduced himself as the one you hired and you realized he didnt have to wear a uniform to look young. He just looks naturally young.

•Tay, no sugar daddies then!

• You thought that he might be too young for this so you decided to lead the date and even voiced out your opinion.

• But you didnt see it coming!

• He disagreed with you and led the date himself.

• He grasped your clammy hands with his own.

• And took your school bag and carried it himself.

• Gentleman, anyone? Chivalry is not dead.

• Random students were jealous of you.

• They were whispering amongst one another.

• You, the top student in school, dating a good-looking guy? How's that possible? Did you pay him or something?

• You heard a few whispers which lowered your self-esteem.

• The hand grasping yours got tighter as if reassuring you.

• Jeongin's easily cheerer you up by smiling (his smiles are a blessing, I swear) and giving encouraging words.

• He looks young but he was really a boyfriend material.

• You guys went to calming places.

• Water parks, museums and walked around the city. Even going to a karaoke and eating a lot of street foods!

• You didn't realize how much time had passed.

• It was already night time. Time flies when he's with you, you assumed. Even if you technically hired him for a break from school, you were glad he's the one who took your offer.

• You realized he didnt even explain the rules. Not like he needed to. You read them all and was careful not to break one.

• You stared at him while he was staring at the fairy lights decorating the gazebo you visited.

• He showed his serious side again.

• And his mysterious aura returned. •And you assumed he was done with the facade he had to out up.

•However, he changed your mind once more when he made you lean against his shoulder.

•"You didn't tell me your age," he noted.

•"Should I? Will it change anything?" you asked him. "Will your opinion change because of my age?"

•"Of course it won't," he replied, "I just wanted to know if I can address you comfortably. "

•You told him your age and his eyes twinkled in the light, giving him an adoring and ethereal look.

•"I guess I won't be calling you Noona, hm?"

•He can't possibly be older than you—

•"We have the same age. And you're really cute." He bit his lip out of shyness and his cool demeanour melted away. "C-Can I kiss you?"

•"Is this part of the contract?" You faced him, tone serious. "Because if this is then I'd rather not. "

•"You tell me, " Jeongin said, "you read the rules, didn't you? I noticed you were a little stiff."

•But the contract did not include kissing!

•And realisation hit you.

•He asked to kiss you because he wants to.

•Blushing, you nodded in understanding.

•And he cupped your face and leaned in, lips brushing over yours lightly so as not to alarm you.

•And you bathed under the glow of the fairy lights as you shared your first kiss.

•And first love.

[airasora]

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown

The realities of my country and my job and how the corona virus has affected is getting to me.

I'm not a nurse, I'm not a doctor, I'm not in a job where a patient's life depends on me. But now it does. I work at a dental tech clinic. We make dentures, something mostly elderly people use, one of the top vulnerable groups in this pandemic. Hygiene is already a top priority, but now with the corona virus, we wear masks 24/7, patients are called and questioned before they can come in, patients are denied if they are extra vulnerable or are possibly already infected.

I'm spending 95% of my day sanitizing with pure chlorine and boiled water. If I don't do this properly, and a patient comes in who is unaware they're smitten, they can infect others, something that could lead to their death. And it'll be my fault. It will be my responsibility. Even though I'm an intern, even though I've only been doing this for a few months.

It'll be MY fault that someone got infected and died.

The radio stations talk of nothing else but the corona virus. The speakers on train stations talk about nothing but the corona virus. Everywhere people are wearing masks, keeping a distance, looking on edge. Those few people who even dare go outside. It's everywhere, there's no break from it.

I'm scared. And I'm so fucking tired. My hands look and feel like they are disintegrating because of how much I'm washing and scrubbing.

And all of this fear of mine, my borderline anxiety, the terror of lethal error, could go away if my boss would just put her patients instead of her wallet first.

I'm so fucking scared I'm thinking of quitting. I can't have this type of responsibility. I just can't. Not yet. I'm not good enough at this yet. I've only been doing this for a few months and none of those included a deadly virus that can kill my patients!

I'm so fucking tired and scared and horrified. I just want to isolate myself, ensure others safety by keeping myself far away. I'm so fucking tired and scared.

And no one can help cause everyone else is just as tired and scared.

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

05 - I’m drained

Chapters songs:

Pope is a rockstar; SALES

I don't know you; The Marías

Coax & Botany; Gus Dapperton

—

- Y. L. Perspective

       'Shit, I'm late.' I told myself, while a hand searched every corner in my school bag for my phone. Yet, it was nowhere to be found. Without my phone, I couldn't tell Suga that I was a little behind time. I told him I'd meet him in the gym around the end of his practice, but it was now 20 minutes after, and I couldn't be more stressed about my phone missing.

       "Y/n, I'm sure he'll come looking for you right after," Giki says, putting her hands around her love handles, leaning against the wall. "If you two made plans to walk home, then he won't bail. He doesn't seem the type to do that. And besides, he knows where to find you, doesn't he?—"

        I shut down any idea she gave that would help me calm down. "It's not just that! I need my phone, I can't go home without it. Fuck, this always happens!" I pull my hands out of the bag, and run them through my hair, looking around for a solution. "Dude, what the hell do I do?! He hasn't gotten here yet, and I really don't want Suga being angry at me!"

       "Now why would I be angry at you?!"

      Someone calls out from the doorway, catching both Giki and I's attention. There stood Koushi, with a cheeky smile plastered on his face, and one hand held up. "Missing something?" He said, as my phone stood between two of his fingers.

       At the sight, I sigh, in relief, happy at least one of my issues was solved. "Thank you, so much," I say, as he smiles down at me, passing it. Honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for him; if it wasn't awkward, I could've even hugged him.

      Gathering my things, I throw on my bag, and I'm able to become poised, instead of seeming like a mad man. "That's my queue. See you later, Giki. You have a ride home, right?"

      She nods. After our goodbye, I leave the band room, then begin my walk with Suga. My hands ran down my blazer, hoping that it would warm them up a bit. Tonight was chilly, possibly the coldest night of the week. But that was okay, because cold, rainy nights were what I lived for; nothing felt better than sleeping during them. The only thing I was worried about was if I'd get home in time before the storm starts.

      "Why are you so stressed out? You didn't seem this way during lunch. Is something bothering you?" Suga asks in his calming voice, interrupting my thoughts. Though, it wouldn't be bad to let them run freely from my mouth. The only thing I worried about was that I'd break down if I were to talk about everything that was on my mind.

       But it wasn't like I was uncomfortable talking with Suga, so why not. "It's nothing, really. I think I've just recently been on the edge about everything. It's like, if some teeny thing goes wrong, I become a complete mess. But it's probably just because I'm still processing the fact that everything is happening so fast." I explain, rubbing my left temple while closing my eyes.

      "I get it. That's how I feel, too. But I can't imagine how it must be for someone as busy as you. But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears."

      I feel his eyes on me, as well as his hand on my shoulder. It laid comfortably, lightly squeezing it. At the action, I immediately open my eyes, nervous as to any movements, and hear almost my heartbeat through my ears. Honestly, I cursed myself for feeling so giddy inside just because he was being friendly, but I also cursed myself for thinking it meant something. That's what having low self-esteem means, thinking he likes me because he's nice. "Yeah, it's okay. Besides, I think all I need right now is to get home and rest. Maybe that would help me a bit— you know?" My voice cracks at the end, and the pressure of tears building up in my nasal passage, which came before a good cry.

        'No, because I KNOW I'm not about to cry in front of Sugawara. That would be the worst situation.' I thought to myself, feeling my eyes burn. No way in hell I would do that purposefully. That would look as if I'm seeking attention like a lost puppy, which is exactly what I didn't want to seem like.

       But sadly, a sniff from my nose reveals me completely, making him turn my shoulders towards him. His eyes looked worried, seeking reassurance I was ready to cry. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

     'There's the magic word.'

     Now, a few tears escaped my eyes, quickly being cleaned away by my sleeve. But after a few seconds, it felt pretty pointless to try and hide them. "I— I'm sorry. I've just been keeping it all in till right now—God, this is really awkward." I say, giggling in nervousness on the last part, before placing both hands over my face and look down. The clouds growled above us, giving me a sense that they were about to pour as well.

     "That's okay. I didn't mean to go over boundaries with your personal life— I'm sorry." He says, now putting both of his hot hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to let your feelings out. But it's not okay to bottle up your emotions. I would know, wouldn't I?"

      I nod, swabbing more tears before looking towards him. "Yeah, I know. I just don't really talk about it, especially now that my schedule is packed and all." I say, clearing my throat. As much as I hate to say it, Suga was right; nobody knew what keeping your feelings inside felt like the way he did.

      And so, I kept crying, and stood in front of him for a good minute, just letting it out. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but then he put his arm around me, then another, and trapped me in a hug.

      My head laid against his chest, and his hands wrapped around my neck, while he laid his head over mine. Although I felt truly humiliated and like a complete child, I guess a hug from a friend couldn't hurt. Honestly, I'd expected myself to break down sometime soon; Undergoing so many things can be stressful. Moving to a different country soon, graduating in only a year, and trying to drift from close friends was hard. The only thing is that I didn't expect to cry in front of someone I wasn't completely close with.

      "What's going on, Y/n? If you don't mind me asking." To my surprise, his hand gently runs through my hair to comfort me and hums in worry. "I hope you know you can talk to me."

     As much as I appreciated Sugawara trying to make me feel better, I still felt completely inhibited. But as much as a hated this moment, I just needed to let my feelings out. And now, I couldn't control when or where I'd do it, I just needed it to happen. Silently sniffing, a response later to his question. "I'm just realizing so many things are happening, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it. But I'll get over it, don't worry." My stiff body pulls away slowly, and I hastily pick myself back up from my breakdown.

     "Oh.. well, I understand that. You know I've got a lot on my shoulders, and I've had a lot of time spent in that corner of panic. I guess your third year comes with many burdens, doesn't it? But it'll be okay, Y/n. Your feelings are completely valid, don't feel bad or ashamed about them. And besides that, you should appreciate yourself for getting yourself through them, okay?" His hand strokes my jaw, raising it to meet his bright eyes, while an unavoidable smile of his appears. "You're gonna be okay."

     As predicted, I felt a tad better than I had before. It seemed Suga found the exact words I had needed today, ones that no one ever told me. I wasn't so used to people comforting me this way in person, therefore making me uneasy when having this conversation with him. But I was glad that I did because now the knot between the two of us untied if only a little.

      I nod, looking down towards my shoes again, as his hand leaves my face and travels back into his sweat pants pocket. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, by the way, "I mumble, before sniffing once more, and turning towards the direction we were walking in before I had started crying like an idiot. "I know I'm not supposed to apologize, but still, I'm sorry for making this awkward. Usually, I'm not the one to embarrass myself in front of somebody like this."

      "Oh, don't fret. I've had my share of embarrassment, and probably the one with more shame than ever between the two of us," Sugawara replies, clearing his throat. "And I should be the one to give you an apology, It wasn't my place to be nosy and make you cry."

      "Don't worry about it, I was bound to weep like a baby any time soon." A small chuckle leaves my mouth, lightning the heavy mood I'd created. "So, Suga, what makes you think you're more shameful than me?"

    He too, laughs a bit, before answering my question. "Well, for starters, I've cried in front of Daichi, one of the most indestructible people I know. Not only was that embarrassing, but it was because I was too weak to face my problems. And second off, as you know, I don't handle them properly. Not at all."

     "I don't know. Mind explaining to me?" I ask him, observing his reaction to my question. Thankfully, he wasn't too uncomfortable about it, but he was still hesitant to say much.

    He sighs, running his fingers through his silver hair, and clarifies to me briefly. "N-nothing. I just used to have a bad perspective of everything; not trying, careless about other people, and dull. Really, really dull. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout last year, and ones that you can't fix easily. But I'm not like that anymore, at least I hope I'm not."

A part of me mourns for Suga. I knew exactly what that feeling was like, except it was around my first year of high school. For him, this only happened recently. "Well, I would know that. You don't seem very inconsiderate, more like a gentle guy." I say as we get ready to cross the road to our neighborhood.

"I hope so."

As we walk across the small road, I still feel a small portion of myself regretting ever crying in front of Suga. Yes, it wasn't that big of a deal and I would probably get ever it tomorrow, but that could have changed his perspective of me forever. I wouldn't want to seem like a little cry baby like I was before, if it seemed that way, he might have thought I haven't had any growth.

    The rest of our walk is neutral, and none of our conversations include whatever unpleasant situation happened, thankfully. But throughout it, I couldn't help but think thoroughly through the information Suga had told me. I know he went through some shit bad, but I didn't know he was so down that way. I'd see him in hallways looking gloom and gummy, and rumor had it he was sleeping around to deal with it.

      'Poor Koushi.'

      Finally, the two of us reach my street, and my pace starts to pick up, as I turn behind me to say my thanks to him. "Thanks again, Suga. You know, for keeping me company and all."

     The silver-haired boy smiles, looking up at me with his large hazel eyes. As he nods, his position slowly turns around, and he begins to walk away with his head down once again, making his way home. I for one, jog the rest of the way to my house.

     It wasn't much— just a two-story that looked a tad more modern than the others around us. It had rectangular windows with a black windowpane and a tall dark oak door with small rectangular windows trailing down. Its brick was stained a light, dusty brown, which complemented the rest of the house nicely. The roofs were black as well, giving off an industrial theme. But besides that, the house was built like the rest that sat next to us.

    I walked towards the oversized doors, fitting a key into the lock above the handle. It twists, making a 'click!' sound, and I walk past the entrance, closing the door behind me. It's nothing much— only as modern inside as it is outside. My mother had no struggle with making enough money to keep her house nicely decorated, even if she barely use it.

Honestly, being home made me sad sometimes. At school or friends' houses, I could be alongside someone. Even if we were doing nothing, I would still appreciate their company. But here at home, there was nobody, just like always.

It had only been this way after they'd both found jobs and began working so hard. Up until I was around five, there were distant memories of the three of us— me, my mom, my dad— living in a small apartment downtown, where a one-bedroom in the middle of high crime was all my parents could afford. But once they got their job, it was all nannies and more money. It wasn't later after that they got divorced after discovering that they didn't need each other anymore. Yes, I was proud my parents got back onto their feet after such dark times, but not if it meant that their kids had to raise themselves. Me being an only child, I grew up around teenage girls being paid 50$ an hour yet glued to their phones, while I would play with shit I probably shouldn't have. But it wasn't like it mattered, right? Soon I'd be able to leave Japan and start a new life, instead of being trapped under my parents' absent wing.

"Hey, Astra," I mumble to the small house pet, reaching my hand out to touch her while I slid my shoes off, placing them into the basket that held many others. Then I take off my blazer, hanging it up on the black metal coat rack, and stretch out my hands and arms. The cat under me escapes from my grasp, running into the kitchen for dinner.

Astra was one of the only things that helped me de-attach from reality for a second, and remember that it'll all be okay. That, and guitar. The only thing with playing guitar when you're stressed is that the anger only builds up if you can't get a note right. With Astra, she was a simple white cat who lounged around all day, and may I say a great cuddle buddy. But besides that, she was something I'd had with me for my entire childhood; she's always been my comfort corner.

      The cat circles around my legs as I pour kibble into her small bowl while looking up at me, and down at the bowl. After I stand back up, she begins her meal, and I still stay starving. Lunch at school isn't very enjoyable, and my bento didn't have much today, so I guess I had to make my food tonight.

      And so, disappointed, I open the fridge to scan what I could shove down my throat before bed. 'There's nothing but vegetables and expired yogurt once again. Gee, I've gotta go grocery shopping sometime soon.' My brain thinks when I suddenly find a small blue container sitting against the inside of my fridge, with a yellow note on it.

'Brought you your favorite. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drop you off at school- father.' My heartbeat comes to a halt at the words 'father'. Was he really here? Possibly for long? I hadn't seen him since about eight months ago, because as always, his job is more important than his daughter. Still— I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing he was here in Miyagi Prefecture, probably in a late business meeting. No way in hell he would ever come to see me volunteering. It must have been a job trip and I was on the way there. Besides, I wasn't sure if mother was okay with me seeing him so suddenly. But knowing them, they probably arranged for this to happen.

     Was dad back in town?

—

Hey guys. I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update my chapters, I've just been super stressed out and kind of working myself a little too hard on many things. As always I love you all very much, and please don't forget to vote!!

- estrxlar