#can't even talk to any of my friends abt it
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i stg ig knows when u hv a crush on someone 😭
#her stories r always at most the 4/5th ones to show up on my feed#can't even talk to any of my friends abt it#oh the trials and tribulations of being closeted and hving a crush while in an all girls college
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another day another "applying the concept 'disposability' to 'someone withdraws from a personal relationship, & that wasn't signed off on by the other'" kill me
#literal acknowledged interpersonal abuse Needing to be ''mediated'' (implicit premise of preserving that relationship >>>)#and if the victim doesn't participate they're treating their abusive partner / abusive relationship as ''disposable''#like in what meaningful way. getting away from an abuser is ''disposing'' of them like imprisonment / killing From A State?#dropping an abusive relationship is ''disposing'' of it? like uh yeah i sure hope it is#this is always Vaguely Applied to ''ppl don't want to HANDLE CONFLICTS or DO THE WORK'' & then connected to political actions#like well someone's just a bad person In The World / All Things if they stopped being my friend and i don't know why#like of course that Can Be good faith. it's a personal business#but if someone ghosts you and you truly don't know why Yeah maybe there's something going on but like okay let them go#if they want to do that for reasons you don't think are Compelling or they just aren't interested / putting in that Effort then like#what Friendship is really being lost here. but then tweet about it with no context & a zillion ppl like SO TRUE kys randos#[fart reverb Conflict Is Not Abuse] standard abuse apologetics which are easy & a zillion ppl go SO TRUE b/c It's Abuse Culture#someone HAS to Answer My Texts / Calls / In Person Confrontations As A Bold Clearsighted Political Actor are you kidding#someone really doesn't. even if you Really are like ''and i'm not even consciously malicious'' what a high bar#one gazillion abusive parents will tell you And My Estranged Child Won't Even Tell Me Why / Doesn't Have Any Good Reasons / Won't Talk....#what am i supposed to doooo i'm at a losssss And Really I'm The Victim#''i want to break up'' / ''okay i don't :) let's talk through Your Feelings :) [waffle around until insisting on Same Access To Person]''#someone can rescind interpersonal access to themself For Any / No Reason. on a dime no explanation necessary. for god's sake#and friendship is not actually some magically pure & Neutral relationship either. same things#anyway just unfollowed some rando for their thread spinning off a vague qrt ''ppl are so AFRAID OF CONFRONTATION they unfriend u''#going on & on abt how You Need To Put In The Work & Effort & You're Just Probably A Bad Person Otherwise & Disposability like#the disposability is my three points wastebasket toss. death via the state =/= someone won't talk to you. can we be at all serious#every day i reach out further like aplatonic people [some emblem gesture] lovelessness [same] help me#thinking of a Good Tweet i saw abt framing everything re: interactions with others around Consideration first & foremost#wildly enough the way you treat people doesn't need to have Fundamental Assumptions re: like ah Friendship / Community / Love / Family &ccc#how do you treat a stranger. how do you treat someone who you don't personally like &/or vice versa. how do you treat ppl you don't Meet.#it's all so vague it could mean Anything but a) often hints towards [abuse victims are framed as Bad Political Actors]#& b) then that's what people read into & respond to for sure lol#as ever ''oh everyone's just little bitches who can't handle any discomfort. yes; this was prompted by my being discomfited''#wait yeah lol i did not Confront this stranger to try to Posit this to them in twttr's character limit; just unfollowed. disposability smh
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#when im extra depressed i watch old yt compilations#this week is critical role moments#and ugh. Ugh#i always forget how mf touch-starved and affection-starved i am until i watch those 8 interact w each other#like. always touching. so much touching#i havent had a cuddly / touchy friend in like 6+ years and i am Suffering for it#like as much as w any other people im v touch-averse and dont want that at all#when it comes to friends i am extremely pro touch and genuinely love being affectionate#and i Can't#and sometimes that sucks ngl#no shade to my friends who aren't comf w that obviously#that's 100% gr8 and i would never push or wanna make them uncomf lots of ppl dont like that#i just. used to always have at least 1 friend who /was/ okay with it that i could be as cuddly as i wanted with#and now i dont and it ??? is getting to a point where it is almost painful#like str8 up i've had to talk to my therapist abt this the last 6 months bc its becoming a bit dire#hugs r wonderful dont get me wrong but thats the max amount of touch for my ok-with-touch friends#and the rest r no-touch#whereas im sitting here like 😭😭😭 PLS I JUST WANNA HOLD SOMEONE'S HAND#OR LEAN MY HEAD ON SOMEONE'S SHOULDER OR HAVE AN ARM AROUND A WAIST OR A HEAD IN A LAP#OR STR8 UP SNUGGLIN ON A COUCH#I DESPERATELY NEED IT#ANY OF IT IT DOESNT NEED TO BE ALL OF THAT#I FEEL LIKE I AM SHRIVELLING UP LIKE A SENTIENT RAISIN INSIDE#JUST HAVIN ALL THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME THRU LACK OF TOUCH#I WANT SOMEONE TO RUFFLE MY HAIR OR PAT MY ARM OR KISS MY CHEEK#HELL I'LL TAKE A HAND ON MY BACK PURELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF STOPPING ME FROM WALKING INTO TRAFFIC#WHICH AT THIS POINT I AM TEMPTED TO DO DUE TO EMOTIONAL DISTRESS LMAO (DEVASTATED LAUGHTER)#aiyaiyai and i cant even just go and Make New Friends bc most spaces to do that arent accessible or safe for me#the only friends i've made in the last few years r thru Mutual Autism Vibes~ and they're all anti-touch#WHERE R THE OTHER TOUCH-STARVED CUDDLY AUTISTICS AT ??? WHERE R U ??? COME FIND ME PLS I BEG !!! i feel like im gonna die fr
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besties i gotta be real one of you has to visit me or i'll go insane
#i can't keep having convos about weather and housework any longer#i'm going a little bit insane bc i feel so lonely here. like i do have friends in this city and my colleagues are v nice but.#coming home and talking to my aunt made me realize just how much i have to pretend every day#my coworkers know shit about me even though we get along well#my friends living here know me better and i feel comfortable around them but still. they are not my /best/ friends#and i feel like i haven't been myself since i moved#god. i feel stuck already and it's been only 2 months#maybe it'll pass....#soon i'm going to meet a lot of people so there's a chance i will meet someone i naturally click with#i don't think i mentioned this but i'm joining a political party agjsfjsjd#so i'll be around people who care abt the same stuff as me and who are actually tolerant etc.#i just miss the times when i had a lot of close friends around me#k.txt
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I really wish blocking someone meant their stuff wouldn’t wind up on your dash at all. Like I understand why it doesn’t, but. still.
Actually, I just need to get better abt checking source urls before I reblog. I try to be mindful, but now and again I Forget and have only myself to blame lmao
#text post#I would love to reblog their art and be supportive in that way at least but tbh#every time I accidentally reblog it I remember checking out their blog and seeing how they talked abt fans that like Izzy and the izcourse#and it's like oh no that's right you hate ppl like me and ur art might be gorg but maybe we just shouldn't interact#they do their thing and I'll be over here doing mine#what really needs to happen is I need to remember to check urls on fandom art to make sure it isn't any of the folks I had to block lmao#but sometimes I get excited bc the art is genuinely lovely and i do like it and think the person is v talented!#and then i forget to check and it's only after scrolling my dash that i see my reblog and the url and go 'oh. fuck. that's right. damnit.'#it's a weird feeling to be like yes I want this person to have fun and make gorgeous art but also it seems#they've made it p clear how they feel abt folks like me and so maybe they would prefer i just fuck off#which i tried to do by blocking!! and yet. here we are#i delete the reblogs whenever this happens so they don't have me in their notes but#i do hope they know their art is lovely and I appreciate their hard work even if we wouldn't otherwise get along with each other#idek why I'm blogging abt this I guess bc I feel like usually it's either or online? like u either hate each other or u don't#but I don't hate the folks who sent shit to me or the folks who condoned it i just wish i had found a way to get along with them instead#as useless a wish as that probably is#and i don't talk abt it a lot but it really bugs the fuck outta me sometimes that we can't just start over and try to interact generally#no messages no trying to be friends just reblog from them if u like and otherwise ignore each other#which has been a thing that's worked fairly okay in other fandoms tho things have happened in others to change how workable it was#but for some reason in this one i feel like im just always walking on eggshells to interact w/anyone bc it feels like everyone is waiting#for someone else to say something they vaguely disagree with and instead of just like. blocking and moving on w/the fandom experience#it turns into a massive mess that even if ur on the fringes of it all you still get pulled into or sent shit and just.#idk it doesn't matter bc ultimately none of this does but dang it the show has been special to me and hits all my special interests#and it's hard to let go and accept that there's no changing how things went and how they are and how this fandom experience for me is often#very fucking lonely even when i'm bursting at the seams to share and to hear from others what they think abt anything and everything w/it#no one is gonna read this tag essay lmao pls scroll on
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vaniiii ehe hiya :3 umm we got a system sideblog if yer interested in seein more of us... but ummmm hiya !!!! i missed ya n im glad t' see ya... do ya got any advice fer copin wit' lack of attention from an fp.... we're okay but if ya got anythin it might be helpful for us :33 ehe i love yaaaa -🪴
MIIIIIKAAAAA!!!!!!!!! i missed u guys </3 i would love to see more of u tho i miss you guys when you're not around... although i guess technically you are since you said we're mutuals but skdghds
ough. tbh i've been pretty lucky insofar that i haven't had a lotta issues with that... but in my experience usually if i gotta be left alone for awhile distracting myself helps a lot?
like. go down a wikipedia rabbit hole, or do a puzzle, or play a game you get super invested in. just something to focus on so you don't end up in your own head kinda thing yanno???
otherwise don't feel bad to just. ask for attention? like. it's not illegal to have human desires. and as long as your fp isn't busy or something they probably don't mind talking with you a lil :3 although idk for sure i know everyone has different relationships with their fp so ^^; do not listen to me if you know it'll cause you harm/strife/etc :<
also naps. bc those pass the time reaaaaal quick. its like a lifehack. feeling bad? take a nap. you'll either feel amazing after or like you got smacked in the face with a trout ! oh and also like. doing schoolwork or smth productive maybe? thats not really fun tho so dskghds maybe pick up a kinda time-consuming hobby like crochet or cross-stitch or something where you can use that to distract yourself and have something to do with your hands :3?
but if its like. ur Already Feeling Bad i recommend like. watching a movie/tv show/etc that you really like or getting a Little Treat(tm) or something :3 curl up with a cozy blanket and drink some hot cocoa or tea or something !! its not like. a sure-fire fix. but i find the combo of distraction + comfort media + Little Treat tends to make you feel at least a lil better :3
also if it gets Very Bad just like. destroy some old school work you don't need or somethin. tearing papers to shreds is sooooooo fun. make sure u don't accidentally rip up something you need though skjghds it helps to calm down a lil and then you can work on relaxing a little more !! its not like. guaranteed. but sometimes gettin some of the destructive urges out helps
ily2 mika <3 i would die for u btw /lh
#at least i get destructive urges idk. i usually just rip up papers and stuff i don't need if i get like that#most of the time i can just deal w/ it via distractions (mmmm shitty mobile games) but !! sometimes u gotta Rip And Tear#most of my strats are just. distract urself. bc it gives you time to calm down and process stuff even if you don't realize it#so. ye. jus kinda be nice to yourself :3 it helps a little. perhaps get a plushie to cuddle with even#i have plushies my fp got me and i keep them on my bed and cuddle them when i miss them nd stuff#it helps a little !!! making yourself feel better can be rlly hard tho so don't feel bad if you struggle a bit !!#find some friends to talk to too if you can !!! it rlly helps to have people to talk to even if they don't entirely get it#just having other people around can help. i message with a few friends when my fp is busy sometimes and it helps keep the loneliness#at bay a little :3 but !! obv i cannot guarantee any of this will work for you !! but hopefully some of it is helpful at least !!!#I FORGOR U CAN'T PUT READ MORES IN ASKS. AUGH. this got so long srry mika ily#anyway !!! i am glad to see u :3 i was thinking abt u guys recently actually sdkghsd#i was worried u guys might've been one of the people in recent times that've blocked me or something orz#ily. stay safe. nd !! lemme know if i can help you guys somehow :3#im not like the most versed in system nor bpd stuff but ! i have my silly little experiences to go off of#system anon 🪴#long post#<- j. just in case. bc this did get Long. oopsies
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what is the truth. schrodinger's normal abnormal boy
#i was going to write a meta but i deleted it all bc i got embarrassed and can't put woRDS TOGETHER IN A SMART/CLEAR WAY#RHGHHH#its in my brain though i swear#its just abt daisuke's juvenile sense of confusion#hes young. hes a lil lost! he goes along with his family's phantom thievery but he doesn't necessarily completely enjoy it#it's complicated. he truly genuinely from the bottom of his heart loves art. but he doesn't necessarily like the stealing aspect#and he'd never ever steal anything deeply precious to anyone. he refuses to hurt anyone's feelings#but also- he's a little out of touch with things too sometimes. he keeps convincing himself he's 'mostly' or 'sorta' or 'pretty much' norma#when hes NEARLY DIED PLENTY OF TIMES thanks to his training#nobody normal comes home to electric doorknobs pitfalls alligators rabid dogs and lasers#his whole family is literally a family of criminals! he has live artworks w bonkers powers in his basement!#his own weird pet rabbit can FLY AND TALK#ud think turning into dark he'd be like 'well this might as well just happen' but in a way dark rlly was the last straw for daisuke#and like. there's nothing normal about any of this oagbdkgfk ESP IN A MODERN AGE!!!#but daisuke a) is a little willfully ignorant of it and b) genuinely ignorant of anything outside of it. bc again. hes a kid!#he doesn't have a lot of friends! he's a loser!#satoshi bringing up the tamers' cycles too. dark and daiki both agreeing that even if things seem fine now#that in the future the niwa and hikari would fight again. the niwa would cause the hikari pain#over and over. daisuke can't stand it. everyone keeps trying to tell him that his life and future is fixed#but if it's not one he agrees with or wants for himself then he's going to reject it#and that goes double for people like satoshi who have to reject krad. their sorrow and pain#bc it doesn't actually produce any beneficial outcome. its just senseless#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.
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Thinking abt AITSF and the ownership of bodies
#Like my immediate first thought was about Date and [spoiler] and like. Damn. And I realize now the other character I wanna talk abt is also#Super spoiler heavy anyway spoilers for AITSF#Fuckin... it's saitos body but it's Date's body too. Is that fair though? Is Date isn't maliciously or even intentionally taking it Saito i#Literally the problem but like. Does that take away his right to his own body. He made a bad choice that he regrets and refuses to accept#Responsibility/accountability for but also like. That's his fucking body he was born in. And if u take into account the oxytocin thing. Man#Idk its just. He wanted to try rohans body but then he wants his own back. Despite the fact it probably made him miserable.#And dates just hanging out in there but his 'original' body is equally alien bc what the fuck man he's been Date for 6 years and this was#Date's fucking body bc. It just was god damn. So the question is if one of the two somehow deserves the body more. Which I think is#Obv a fucked up question but like. Yknow. You probably shouldn't lose the rights to ur body bc of being a bad person bc yknow human rights#Are human rights but also there's no malintent from date initially and he also Did Not Make The Choice so like. Who gets the body in the#Divorce. Anyway they're both Serial killers so like.#Anyway manaka.... in the warehouse... I could maybe contrast this by saying smthn abt date and Saito being two owners of one body while#Manaka is divorced from her own body. But idk. Manaka wasn't given a proper funeral for a long long time. Would she have wanted one?#Her body helped solve the case but. Damn. She doesn't have any wants bc she dead but still. I don't think anyone would want their body#Frozen like that for years. I think she'd at least want a grave her daughter and friends could visit. But she can't have that#Anyway fuck so sejima I wish he died in canon
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Sorry for being really slow with like. everything art related guys I have been going through it so bad
#Im so emotionally and physically burnt out rn i physically can't even talk to my friends without feeling like my heads abt to explode#this is mostly for the people commissioning me rn I can't get anything good out atm#I'm working on them but bear with me for a day or so#so im gonna. mental health break. Im seeing my dad tomorrow and saturday he's getting me out of the house so maybe I'll be back to normal#my mums bf put up cameras that alert his phone when someone moves outside and it just kicked my anxiety up so bad I literally can't handle#the idea of leaving the house and him seeing it on the camera and making a comment lmaoooo#I gotta. get over that but he makes fun of me all the time anyway (in a joking way im just sensitive) so I just expect it#and bc of that I can't leave my house more so than normal#I need to see a doctor abt my anxiety like. bad. but Im too scared of going and wasting their time since the NHS is already strained#which. also comes from my anxiety lol#its BADDDD its so bad I shouldn't be scared to go outside#I do try and force myself and its never that bad but I disassociate the whole time and I feel like im not making any progress really#anyway sorry for turning into a little vent LMAO oopsie..#all this to say I'm very eepy and just need a second to get back on track#.txt
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ok. so she stayed over until like. 6am. and this is so hard because well i do like her sooo much and we hung out for like. 9 hours. and obviously i can be so normal about that but it’s like. i feel like. i know im meant to know her. but dear god why did it have to be in this capacity. im gonna go insane
#like i am grateful to just have her here and to have met her and we just hit it off so insanely#but why does she have to be straight. and i dont want to be one of the bitches that assumed she was queer but like obv i was.#why does she have to have a boring ass bf that i dont even hate but that. truly based on any time ive interacted with them it's been sooo#weird. but she's saying yesterday she's had thoughts of MARRYING him. i mean this is first real relationship for her ig maybe#i used to think abt that too? idk. but like. ugh#it still feels so special to just have this bond this person that so easily like gets me and clicks with me and we just work#and appreciate each other quietly until given the opportunity (like last night) to just say a bunch of shit#how am i supposed to be normal!!!!!!! ugh#like i need to try to move on. at least temporarily. at least in some capacity. but how the fuck am i supposed to do that#when even on a friend level we're like. absurdly close and stuff#she's telling me about when she met her bf and they both sensed smth between them and everyone else did and so it just worked and#whatever. bestie. do you know how many people have asked me um. about you about us#cause we're just so WEIRD!!!! but she's straight. like i can't sit here and disrespect the fact that she's said that outright like twice#yk. what am i supposed to do.#grrrrrrrrrrrrr UGH!!!! like. yk???? i don't WANT to not have her in my life i know the easiest solution would be#stop talking to her. but u dont get it. like we just on some fucking strange level Get each other. we just do#and i dont want to give that up just because i have feelings that she might never be able to reciprocate#even if it would feel right.#film girl saga
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asia kate dillon (voice acting and guest starring) as LOS-307 in moon girl and devil dinosaur 1x04 "check yourself"
part two of two (part one)
#asia kate dillon#LOS-307#i see the ''lose'' in their name but is 07 coincidentally a flipped ''LO''? is it like o7 saluting? is it just a couple more random numbers#SO they're very good at something deemed like useful or impressive to be good at; it's not necessarily their passion but that's all they ge#attention for / the basis of interactions with them / what they're supposedly Good For at all#but of course they have all their feelings & Consciously consider others' feelings & experiences & want to connect befriend & be liked....#they had to Recharge & when pushed & stressed during this period on various fronts become discomfited & distressed & Melt Down#(weeeeeellllll Ya Did. emmy! if they get nongendered categories.)#and then they go sicko mode & try to kill you. sure this pertains to What Happens If You're Overcompetitive / Dead Set On The Win.#but like also hey who among us. we've all been there#and that again of course it's not ''the computer was....secretly evil???'' any more than ''ppl who don't enjoy playing games w/me b/c i'm#too competitive / dead set on winning like my family & friends were....secretly evil???'' like you Were a dingus to them#can't plow over or neglect ppl's wellbeing / Their experience in gamer mode. they told you abt the overheating melting down at least....#anyways but even prior: they're Clearly emotive & expressive & reaching out / communicating but they're talking to brick walls out here#& like nobody's Just ''Misunderstanding'' Them or confused / even realizing there's something they're not getting & reacting accordingly#like people are either unawares or ignoring them while they're bringing the social efforts hard. striking up an enthused exchange only to#get zero response & left alone overnight in an empty dark auditorium (gtm:pota moments) like. hmm. LOS-307 voice Wuh Ohhh#we've all been there. had a once in a blue moon occasion a few weeks ago having An Actual Conversation#otherwise Talking Aloud is like. ppl only speaking to Declare things they already meant to say. already walking away while you respond#or any response only getting a response about insisting on the original declaration they wanted to make. its being evident that even if you#Seemed to get a word or two or three in ft. nominal responses it was in one ear out the other / not processed at all. exhausting! godawful!#and LOS-307 has an (almost*) wholly nonverbal mode of communication / means of expression in their light/screen display huh#(*they do spell out THEY THEM as they introduce themself ft. pronouns. & their display is ft. as like time passage title cards too lol)#and also they rule and are your new best friend so what i'm saying is: the nonbinary computer can also totally be an autistic icon =]#obviously gonna require ppl do better than smash rocks together (& miss) abt their being a computer here lol. see like Everything Prior.#they're Actually relatable as a nonbinary &/or autistic person. not the idea that being that makes you inhuman / like a machine or w/e#and of course someone who's Clearly a person but where their behaving/acting in that capacity is ''wrong'' / Apparently invisible....#like why wouldn't they consciously reflect more on Concepts like gender / how ppl feel/interact; etc. that's what friends do; compromise...#everyone supposedly outside of [xyz] or Othered in some capacity: experts on exactly that lol#omg 1 tag: ''must be nice...to have a friend. like that.'' Waugh; glitching; Non glitching on ''lonely''; giggling; calling back; ilu los..
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brynn hi hello!!!!! 20 + 13 + 17 for the book asks please <3 i want to hear all your thoughts you are just so cool!! xoxox hope your flights goes well MWAH!! <3
liv hiii!!!! and stop it youre making me blush... the flight is over which i'm thrilled about! how are you what are you thinking abt tell me!
what was your most anticipated release? did it meet your expectations?
i'm not much of an anticipator! i'm really not a part of the wider book culture... i have no clue what's happening out there..
i guess braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer? i'd heard some fantastic things about it and it did for the most part meet my expectations! i think it dragged around the middle and towards the end.. but nearly every essay had me on the brink of tears (pls i'm begging take this with a grain of salt. i cry at dove commercials, and at those barbie ones where five year olds are lecturing to a college class and then it fades out and they were playing with a barbie the whole time...)
uhh and true grit by charles portis... it did come out in the 60s but. the cashier told me i'd love it and he was right. i did
what were your least favorite books of the year?
you're a pot stirrer. do we need to talk more about the seven husbands of evelyn hugo? bc i will. what a bland dry shallow book. it was so.... lackluster? ineffective? unoriginal? i just found it boring on all fronts. i've never read a book that left me with so little after i finished it. i can't even talk about it at length bc it's already slipping from my mind; it might as well have not existed.
also moby-dick. felt like pages were added the more i read. it was some sort of never-ending infinite silk-pulled-from-a-pocket magic trick. shocked and appalled that somehow more pages kept appearing after i finished one... i would've dnfed it but i was reading it for a class :/ and my prof was so kind, she reminded me of jessica day and she loved moby-dick. she loved it so much. so i read all of it for her <3 despised every second
the monk by matthew lewis and the italian by ann radcliffe. classic classic gothic literature. so much happening... so little actually being done. i do however respect how incredibly horny both of them were.
did any books surprise you with how good they were?
east of eden... persuasion by austen... but i'm going to answer this indulgently and say i reread gregor the overlander by suzanne collins. and though i wasn't surprised by how good it was bc collins is fantastic and i trust her implicitly... i just feel the need to emphasize what a masterclass in middle grade fiction the underland chronicles are. whatever youre thinking when you see 'middle grade fiction' literally erase it from your mind bc the series beats out everything i've ever read. percy jackson kid this harry potter kid that... hit me up if you know anything about giant rats and the casualties of war ok
#phew. writing these answers out... restraining myself from going on too long.#i would talk more about evelyn hugo but i returned the book to my friend so i can't even reference any of the cheesy lines. shame! giving#that book back was. so. not fun. bit back being too obvious of a hater bc she enjoyed it and i enjoy letting ppl enjoy things. thankfully#she hated the main protag as much as i did so we talked mostly abt that#anyway! shutting myself up!#asks#reading#liv tag#LIV i do want to hear ur thoughts though about evelyn <3 i was so interested in reading daisy and the six but now i don't think its worthit
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not to be pathetic on main but i feel like just a while ago everything was going great life was literally amazing and now everything sucks i just wanna be in my bed forever
#it's rly hitting me how bad school's going and how much effort ive put in for no reason#and one of my friends is going through smth really rough n she's not coping well w it n it's turning her into a person i wouldn't be around#that sounds awful to say but u don't know the context#and it's just rly impacting me n also i just feel like a broken person everytime i stop to think abt my own problems so it's all piling up#sorry for venting while still not rly telling anything i'm just so fed up#i don't know where else i can talk abt any of this like uni mental health services already denied me help bc i've#'already received professional help and they don't have the resources to help ppl who've already gone through a therapy process'#AND i can't see my actual (ex) therapist bc the government aid for it ended n now it's 100€ per SESSION from my own pockets#and i can't talk to my friends bc like i said some of it involves one of them n even if it didn't she needs our support more#AND. if i fail any more exams i'm gonna have to go through fucking hell fighting the officials so they don't demand 800€ of their aid back
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THAT REMINDS ME- I need to draw another entry for the explanation posts.. I think I'll give a rundown on the two (three? sane AU Eddie isn't really his own thing) versions of Edgar and how his relationship with The Main Antagonist Dude (Eli/Jack) impacts the narrative
I'll definitely need some input from Ben for Elijah's portion, though
#it's a shame tho bc eli's universe is nowhere near as developed...#bc i have jack brainworm and it's much easier to decide things when you control the two MCs#vs when you have to have an in depth convo before you make any decisions bc the antagonist is your friend's#also Benny has a really hard time putting his thoughts about Elijah into words. he has trouble with expressing characterization in general#not in a narrative way but in a 'i can't talk about my own characters and explain things because only one person speaks Benninese' way#im very aware that it looks like i make all the big decisions but that's why i push so hard to remind everybody of ben's influence!!!#half of the characters aren't mine after all!#some of the most important narrative decisions (jack and isaac's EXISTENCE; basically everything abt their family including maddie;#the deaths of a lot of the children; eli's motivations in general which helped me feel out and learn how i wanted jack to be etc)#were his idea!! and im sure there's way more but i can't even remember.them bc at this point they're so integral to the foundation of the#narrative itself and its themes. i am the biggest ben supporter#i promise i am not the only man behind the curtain he is also very present#rox rumblings#me things#oc ramblings#beanie tag#i'm just like... the spokesperson. i am the face of the brand but we are both behind the scenes coming up with the formula together#i have the big fancy flourishes but we are both cooking
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psychiatrist that when you tell her you suspect you have any sort of mental illness with a name responds with "yeah its hard being a teenager isn't it :)" GIRL WHO GAVE YOU YOUR DOCTORATE.
#'yea :) everyone is depressed sometimes :)' GIRL SHUT UP!!! YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO US#me and all the girlies at therapy finally got closer and we all shittalked her bc she literally hasn't helped any of us 😭#nobody has gotten any good advice from her#and she constantly negates and minimizes everything we feel to 'being a teen'#we literally talk abt parental abuse and actual serious issues and she still manages to say it's just teenhood#it's so funny#and a few girls can't even tell her abt their drug problems bc she'll report it to her parents#my friend literally threatened to khs if she called her parents bc literally it'd ruin her life.#she ended up not calling them but good god man. she literally promised she wouldn't. and then she was like nevermind#so like. the girls can't even get help. it's so awful man.#anyway. I'm fine rn but like.#I'm not an edgy 13yo I'm 18 with actual problems and genuine concerns for my future wellbeing#ofc I'll continue to monitor my behavior and mental health#and if issues continue into my 20s I'll know it's not 'just teenage thingz'#God. she sucks so bad man.
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i have so many neat articulated thoughts on so many issues it is a shame that i accidentally convinced everyone i know in my personal life that i am extremely stupid in order to shield myself from failure and boost other people’s ego 👍
#ides.txt#lh ish but SRSLY DONT BE LIKE ME...#one of my online friends called me smart once and i actually think i cried#AND SOME OF MY ACTIVISM IRLS CALL ME INTELLIGENT TOO BUT LIKE#NONE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THINK I AM SJDKFHDSFKJ#I wonder if i should tell them at some point that like 90% of the times ive said Idk who that is i was lying for comedic value#OK UPDATE IM STUPID SO I TEXTED 2 OF MY FRIENDS ABT THIS#BUT ITS LIKE. It genuinely upsets me because i like to think that im smart!#but i also uhhh have mental health issues Including brain fog so i can't remember a lot of info other people remember#and i also um. lie to get attention <3#WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS ON MAIN LMAOOOO#THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY PLS LAUGH#being on discord servers when i was 14 srsly ruined my ability to interact w other ppl#THIS POST DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE IM putting it in the shredder#Oh my God why did i even text my friends abt this MAYBE IM A DUMBASS DID U CONSIDER THIS ...#I just made an entire post abt not being a dumbass Literally planned though
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