#cause i knew he was in a committed relationship b4 but i didnt know if they were still together and i didnt know if it was a monogamic one

[timecrack]

little rant incoming

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[badhomestuckfanfiction-blog]

Homestuck High - Chapter 2

Homestuck high Chapter 2: Karkats incident and Jades secret, a homestuck fanfic | FanFiction

hi guys this is chapter 2. i finished chapter 1 a while back b4 my other beta reder got busy wit school since she didnt start then so now my otherfriend said shed beta it insted. ITS A LOT BETTER NOW THNK U SO MUUUUUCH CAROLYN UR A BETTER EDITER THAN JANE.

~Why do I have a feeling it's gonna be worse

Everyone went to teh hospitl

~Knew it

to see Karkat. He was in a comma. Everyone was crying, even Dave was crying a little bit because he and Karkat were best frends. They did lots of things togther (AN: no gay stuff tho! thats gross!)

~RIP Davekat

and so he was upset Karkat would try and do this to himself.

~Is the author going to explain why Karkat decided "OH SHIT LET'S COMMIT SUICIDE FOR SEEMINGLY NO REASON THAT'S A GOOD IDEA YEP 10/10"

"Is he gonna be allright" John inquisisted the doctor

~Inquisisted

"If it wasnt for you kids he wouldnt be" the doctor said

~A: What did they do to help him?

~B: The author just admitted that the kids are in fact still children despite the fact that none of them seem to be virgins

"So he is going to be okay?" Dave weeped

"He will suffer amnesiea and may never walk again" the doctor solemnly said.

~Hold on, amnesia is caused by brain damage, but paralysis is caused by damage to the spine. What did Karkat do to damage both his brain AND spine?

"NO!" Dave escalated loudly

~Escalated loudly

John and Rose were waiting outside. Rose was very upset. She dated Karkat when she was younger and she lost her virginity to him.

~A: Rose is a lesbian

~B: How the fuck did Karkat date her when she was younger? They were in different universes!

He was her first love and she never really gog

~Gog

over him.

"I cant believe he would do this hes so emo" Rose moaned

~Why is everyone either goth or emo

"I am sorry!" John proclaimed

~What does John have to do with this?

"John" Rose said seductivley "Can u take my mind off it"

~Rose no stop it

John gulped. He knew what Rose wanted but he wasnt sure if he was ready for it yet. Rose was a sex goddess

~And a minor

and he was a geek who never got less than 100 perfect in any lessons. But he had no scores in the sex department.

~So he got 0% in Sex-Ed? But he never got less than 100% in any lessons? YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, I SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES

"Rose" John pronounced "I do not think now is the right time!"

"U want to wait?" Rose raised her eyebbrow

"I want are first time to be specil" John announced

~Specil

"Ok" Rose said moodily.

Five days later Karkat woke up from his coma and everyone came to pick him up. Dave was very happy his friend was awake and brought along cheetos and pepsi to celebrate.

~i specifically requested apple juice rose wheres my fucking aj

The girls had been to thhe beach and so they were in their bikinis.

~Stop

Rose was wearing a lethar tight string thang bikini which showed of her private areas

~I said stop it now

while Jade wore a black lacey one with a 'D' over her left boob becase she loved Dave.

~S T O P

"He is suffering with severe head tramaur" the doctor said shakily "he does not remember his name!"

~I want an enter name screen. How about "cancerous fuckwad" *badum tshhh*

Everyone gasped.

"No! Karkat!" Dave discharged

"Who is Karkat my name is Tarvos" Karkat said questioninly

~Orange is the new Grey

"He can no longer walk either he must go in a wheelchair" said doctor We do not know if he will recover

~Dear lord he's really becoming Tavros

"How could this happen" Gamzee shot "All he want was to be normal"

They all left the hospital and Karkat was rolling himself happily while everyone was crying they had lost one of their best freinds and school would no longer be the same how were they supposed to hang around with him now he was in awheelchar.

~Forget his amnesia and probable brain damage, him being in a wheelchair is the most important issue!

To lighten the mood they decided to go to mcdonnalds and so they all went there and ordered burgers and chips and chicken nuggest for everyone to eat except for vriska who ate the napkins instead.

~But why though

"Golly I REALLY like these chicken nuggets" Karkat happily said

~Priorities

"Karkat..." Dave began "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM."

"My name is Tarvos! Not Karkat!" Karkat exclamated. He smashed the chicken nugget down on the table and squished it like a bug as he looked at the floor. He was ANGRY.

~Calm down

Gamzee sighed "I guess we shall call him Tarvos"

"YAY" Karkat, now Tarvos sang explendidly.

~Why is he so persistent in his belief that he's Tavros? Or sorry, "Tarvos". If I got serious brain damage, was told I had amnesia, and people kept telling me my name was Joe or something, I would probably believe them

"These napkins taste like piss" Vriska snooted as she gobbled one up.

~Why are you eating the napkins then?

"I used that one to wipe myself after I peed..." Jade whimpered.

~A. What the fuck

~B. And you put it back!?

"Ok" Vriska said, munching away.

~What the hell Vriska why are you ok with this

"When did you go to pee" Rose asked curiously

~Wait, if Rose doesn't remember Jade going to the bathroom, that means she did it at the table. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Jade looked down at the floor while fiddling with his black lace panties "When you all weren't looking...I..I needed to take a pregnancy test."

"WHAT!" everyone but Feferi exclaimed because she was too cool

~feferi give me my fucking shades back

"Dave..." Jade began "I AM PREGNANT!

~

~I already used this image in the last story but I don't care

gasp! Jade is PG!

~That's not what PG stands for

what will happn now! will karkat get better? REVIEW

~This story's pacing is so weird. I'm 99% sure they were just coming up with plot points as they wrote, which would explain Karkat's shit suddenly doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle into the embrace of a failed suicide attempt causing shit to get into an unstable relationship with the fan leading to several years of relationship counselling and dear god what am I even writing

~Anyways, from this point onwards, I have no idea what's going to happen in the story, so wish me luck as I burrow fuck deep into the hellhole that is this fanfiction