#ch: Olivia Foster

[maybeits-nana]

warpspidey expression sheet plus fun lil character opinion(?) map found on twitter ✨

[storiesofsvu]

Fortuitous Reunion Ch 8

Rita Calhoun x reader Warnings: language, mild awkwardness.

To be completely honest, your first coffee meeting with Olivia was pretty awkward, neither of you were sure about how exactly to go about the situation. The first at least twenty minutes were awkward small talk, weird laughs and the like until you managed to fall into a bit of a rhythm with each other. Subconsciously, something within the two of you said maybe it would be less weird if you weren’t cramped at a small table surrounded by people in a café and you ended up wandering through Central Park instead.

The fresh air and distraction of other sights had your awkwardness vanishing. You couldn’t help but smile and reminisce on the memory of one of the first dates Rita had brought you on in the park right before Christmas. You’d snuggled up with hot chocolate after a wonderful dinner, strolling through the park arm in arm while a very unexpected soft snowfall began. It may have been something like your fifth date, but you knew on that night that you loved her and wanted to spend your life with her. Olivia couldn’t help but smile at the way you told the story, the dreamy look in your eyes, the goofy smile on your face making her feel warm inside, you truly had found your perfect person.

You asked about the brother she’d tracked down, and gave your condolences when she admitted that he’d since passed away. She asked if you had any siblings and you shook your head, saying that one was all your parents ever wanted. You told her the embarrassing stories of your first date (with some weird junior high boy) and the panicked way you’d come out to your parents (though they’d obviously been more than supportive). She was incredibly happy to hear that your life had been what she’d hoped, happy, full of love and surrounded by good people and experiences. While the topic of family was on the table, you brought up that Rita had mentioned Olivia had been in the process of beginning to foster a baby boy, and she beamed at the topic. Ever so happy to finally have a baby that she knew she could provide for and your chest warmed for her, knowing she had been praying and hoping for it for decades.

You delved more than a little bit into each other’s careers, and you were more than surprised with the amount of risky situations she’d been through. Sure, you knew being a cop could be dangerous but Olivia seemed to have gone through more than you could’ve ever imagined for one person. You commended her for her strength and perservance. Olivia on the other hand was incredibly proud of how far you’d come, not only going to nursing school, but being the top of your class and securing such an important spot at a major hospital. She already knew you were good at what you did but now she knew why.

You indulged a little more into your relationship with Rita, knowing that she was curious and knowing which stories Rita wouldn’t mind being mentioned. As you talked about just how easy it was to fall in love with her, the way she treated you so incredibly soft, the way she always made you her first priority, it made Olivia realize how little she knew about the other woman. Sure, she knew that the two of you loved each other unconditionally, but now she knew just how much.

Before you knew it, you’d reached the other side of the park and half the afternoon was gone. Both of you were more than happy with the way the day had gone, and made sure you had plans to meet up for lunch a couple of weeks down the road before parting ways.

That night Rita slightly hesitantly asked you how it went and you burst into a grin, telling her all about it. She was more than thrilled, wrapping you in a deep hug as she kissed you. As much as she knew there were a million ways this could’ve gone, she was incredibly happy that things were moving in the right direction.

Olivia and you began to meet on a pretty regular basis and your relationship was forming quicker than you ever could have thought. There was still a slight awkwardness since she was your Mom, but wasn’t really your Mom. Like, should she really know the story about how you lost your virginity? Or any of your partying times in college. Not to mention the time you were stressed studying for finals and popped a couple of Adderalls, though…maybe that was because she was a cop. You still kept the channel open, and were pleasantly pleased when she did the same.

A month or so later you had more than enough of an excuse to swing by the squad room. Sofie had basically been transferred over to Bellevue. While her position at Mercy was still closed and waiting for her, Bellevue needed extra help and she was willing to go, honestly, you were next on the list, eager or a light change up. Because it had been so abrupt she’d texted you to grab a handful of things out of her locker that you packed up into a bag before making your way to the one six.

“Y/N! Didn’t expect to see you today.” Carisi greeted you with a warm hug.

“I’m here running errands…can you take this home to Soph?” You handed him the bag.

“‘Course.” He shot you a dopey grin, no likely proud that they’d just moved in together. He was adoringly cute every time their relationship hit a new milestone. Honestly, you wouldn’t even be surprised if they ended up married before you, Sonny loved Sophie more than you could ever imagine.

“Thanks Son.” You gave his arm a squeeze, moving from his desk.

“Hey wait, one of those is mine?!” He gesured to the tray of coffee in your hand that you simply laughed and shook your head at. You hand knocked briefly on Benson’s door before you heard her greeting, pushing the door open.

“Hey..what’re you doing here?” She smiled as you shut the door behind you.

“Had to drop some stuff off to Carisi, figured you could use the good caffeine boost.” You handed her the cup, “Rita’s mentioned how horrible precinct coffee can be.”

“Thanks.” Olivia laughed, “she’s not wrong on that one. Are you off today?”

“Yeah.” You sighed, “well, kinda. I worked overnight so I was done at ten a.m. But Sophie’s doing a stint at Bellevue, they’re short nurses right now and we just got a new influx, so…”

“Are you gonna head over there?”

“Probably. They’re offering us bonuses if we do, so why not?” You laughed. “A lot of it’s in the prison ward. I mean, transfers are the bottom of the totem pole, but it’s only temporary so why not?”

“Makes sense.”

“How’s lil Noah?” You smiled, knowing how much Oliva adored finally having a baby in her life, one that she actually got to raise.

“He’s…wonderful.” She smiled brightly, “everything I wish I could have had in the past.”

“I’m glad.” You smiled in return. “You ever need help babysitting or anything let me know.”

“You sure Calhoun’s okay with that?” You barked a laugh,

“Oh I mean at your apartment! Rita would never let a baby anywhere near her Prada collection.”

“I take it there’s no kids in your future then?”

“No.” You laughed, shaking your head, “I like them, but the idea of being responsible for one full time freaks me out.”

“Understandable.” Oliva smiled back at you. A brief knock at her door interrupted your conversation.

“Captain Benson?” Rita’s voice broke through your revere, both of your heads turning toward the door.

“I’ll get out of your hair.” You smiled at Oliva, picking yup your coffee.

“Oh what, you don’t bring me one?” Rita teased with a smile as she pecked your lips softy.

“If I’d known you were here I would.” You retorted, kissing the tip of her nose softly, “I’ll see you for dinner?”

“Of course darling.” She gave you a gentle smile as you shot a wave to Olivia, leaving the office. She turned to the Captain as she sat in the chair across from her desk, “what?” Olivia chuckled

“I’m just not this used to seeing you so soft Counsellor.” Rita rolled her eyes.

“Well you’re privileged to part of our life that no one else is now…I hope you respect that.”

“I do.” Oliva smiled “I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard of two people more in love than the two of you.” Rita could barely help the burning of her cheeks.

“Thank you, I guess.”

“More importantly, what are you here for work wise?” Olivia cut to the chase, their personal relationship aside, this one was more important.

*

It was a couple of weeks later, Mercy was ever so swamped with nurses and interns from a merger between hospitals and you couldn’t wait to join your best friend over at Bellevue over the next couple of weeks while things calmed down.

In the meantime, you were settled into a booth at Forlini’s across from Olivia. The restaurant was no stranger to you, having met Rita there on many a lunch breaks from court before. You happily settled into your regular regime, exchanging stories of the past week and the like. If you had new wedding details, you’d always share them, though there normally wasn’t much, taking as much time as you’d like to plan.

You’d felt a little nervous all morning, and Oliva could sense your jitters as the meal went on, but didn’t press it. You asked a few things about work before the wedding came back into the circulation of the conversation. You took a shaky breath,

“I…uh…I wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay?” The brunette paused, looking up at you across the table, the hesitation splayed across your face.

“Uhm..it’s…always been the deal in my family that we kinda do things weird..instead of being walked down the aisle by our Dad’s..we go with out Mom’s.” You dared glance up at her with that information, “and I’d….like to ask if you’d accompany my and my Mom down the aisle…”

“Really?” Olivia’s breath caught in her through as she glanced up at you, the request coming totally out of left field.

“Yeah..” you nodded, “I’ve already asked Mom and she’s more than okay with it. She knows we’ve been getting to know each other and she’s thrilled. I already know I want you there on the most special day of my life, but to officially help give me away would be more than I could ever ask for.”

“I would be honoured.” Olivia’s hand reached out, squeezing yours across the table top. “You know, I have to say, despite the very unconventional way we came back into each other’s lives, I’m incredibly happy we did.”

“Me too.” You shot her a soft smile just as you heard the comment echo through the room, the sarcasm dripping against his words and both your eyes were brought up to Rafael Barba. He stalled slightly, greeting Oliva, and you were more than thrilled, a grin splitting you cheeks as you realized Rita was following him.

“How’s my darling girl doing?” She asked, greeting you with the worlds most gentle kiss.

“Always fantastic, but better now.” You murmured, kissing her again, not a care in the world at your audience.

“I don’t understand how you manage to sicken me with your love and destroy me with your arguments in the same sentence.” Rafael half joked, and Rita shot him a glare that could’ve killed him in that second. She cupped your cheek softly,

“I’ll see you for dinner?”

“Of course my love.” You sofly kissed her, holding on extra long just to annoy Barba, your lips curving at the sound of his scoff before she moved on with a quick nod.

“You two really just love torturing him don’t you?” Liv joked and you laughed, admitting that you were really just playing into Rita’s game when it came to that, but you did enjoy it.

You wrapped up lunch shortly after that, waving a goodbye to your other friends as you stepped onto the New York sidewalks. You were very pleasantly surprised that you and Olivia had been able to not only pursue a relationship like this, but that it had been able to become this strong over only a handful of months.

Olivia had loved you from the moment you were born, and despite the near thirty years that kept you apart, she had thought about you nearly every day since then. Now that you were back in her life she would do anything to keep it like that, she wanted to know everything about you. Over these past couple of months she’d learnt more than she could ever imagine and was so incredibly happy. You’d grown into such a wonderful and incredible young woman and she couldn’t wait to see where you went from there. The more she got to know you, the more she loved you, the more she wanted to make sure you were safe and protected no matter what. She knew you were an adult, and that shit happened, but part of her still wanted to make sure that you and Noah’s health and safety took priority over others. She knew she was being biased, but you were technically her kid, and her kid deserved the best.

She knew you had the best home, and relationship wise Rita was the greatest thing that could’ve ever happened to you. But she wanted to make sure that outside of that relationship you were safe and who knew what kind of gong shows were coming when it came to your professional life.

[saiilorstars]

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 32: One More Time

Previous chapters // Montserrat's masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing:  Rafael Barba x OFC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​ @anotherunreadblog​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​ @stareyedplanet​ @perfectlystiles​ @averyhotchner​ [If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: Montserrat and Rafael are losing their minds away from each other over the course of one month...

1 Month Later.

"Oh, he's adorable," Montserrat gushed at the baby boy in her arms. The baby, in return, gurgled as if he was trying to agree out loud with her. Montserrat shifted on her chair to switch the baby to her other leg. "Olivia, I can't believe you actually adopted him," she told the sergeant sitting across the desk.

"Not adopted," Olivia corrected as she watched Noah fiddle with his hands. "His name's Noah and for the time being, he's going to live with me." She had explained the situation since Montserrat had been out of SVU for a good while now. She only came back and forth every once in a while and this time, she came to the surprise that Olivia had become a foster mother to the very child she saved almost a year ago.

"He's really cute," Montserrat loved Noah's rosy cheeks. "Definitely livens up the place, huh?"

"Yeah," Olivia chuckled and reached over her desk to toggle with one of Noah's hands. The baby gurgled with a toothless grin.

"So then...Ellie's...dead?" Montserrat lowered her voice as if the child in her arms would understand that his biological mother was dead.

"Yeah," sighed Olivia. "We had her in a safe house but...she left in the night and…we couldn't save her then."

Montserrat hadn't seen the pictures - not that she wanted to - but she assumed they were thoroughly graphic since Ellie had been burned to death along with other terrible things they'd done to her. "Do you have any ideas who might've done it?"

"Well, we assume it was someone from the high up but, for now, Little Tino is taking the fault."

"If he's taking the fault then it means he's scared of whoever actually did it." Montserrat stood up with Noah and gently handed him back to Olivia. "And, speaking out of experience, the person who did it might be the one in charge of the whole operation Ellie was part of." Olivia had no doubt it as well. "I should get going. I'm meeting with Damian and Calhoun again."

"How's your brother doing?" Olivia asked as the two slowly went for the office door.

"Well, he's better in that he's not in jail but...he's on trial now and things aren't as well as we hoped." Montserrat shrugged. "Things aren't adding up, Liv. Damian and Gael swear they did the final evaluations and the thing is...that footage is missing. Like, it's not where it should be."

"What - the company misplaced it?"

"No, the company is actually helping us look for the footage. Not having it makes them look just as bad as Gael."

"Well, I really hope you find what you need," Olivia said. "We really miss you over here. Plus, we're understaffed since Nick's doing cop work in Queens."

"Yeah," Montserrat's smile was a bit tight but Olivia didn't seem to notice. She was genuinely sorry Nick had to go back to being a regular cop for Queens, but at least with that he would eventually be able to come back to SVU as a detective. It would just take a bit of time. He'd gone for a month now without any problems, so...he was doing good.

"Honestly, I can come back if you really need me," Montserrat told Olivia wholeheartedly. She wouldn't want Olivia to go crazy trying to cover all their cases with only 3 detectives. "I'd just like to ask time to go Gael's trials."

"Thanks Montse," Olivia could breathe a bit in relief. She wouldn't call the detective in unless they truly had to, but it was nice to know Montserrat was up for the early return.

After leaving Olivia's office, Montserrat went for her things she left on her desk.

"So, any word on when you'll be back?" Fin asked from his seat. "Not that we're complaining but Carisi's a bit too much to handle."

"Ha, ha," Sonny rolled his eyes.

"Oh c'mon, he's not that bad," Montserrat swung her bag's strap over her shoulder. "Just give him some candy and he'll be good."

"One of these days, your jokes will stop being funny," Sonny frowned.

"But it's not today," Amanda chuckled.

Montserrat smiled at her squad. She missed them terribly. "I gotta go meet with Damian and Calhoun so I'll see you guys around," she wiggled her fingers and turned to leave.

"Hey Montse," Sonny called and easily caught up with her in the hallway. "Listen, I know things might be a little awkward, but…"

Montserrat turned so that she was in front of him, making him bump into her. "Awkward?" she repeated and tilted her head. "Why would things be awkward?"

"You know what I mean," Sonny gave her a meaningful look until she shifted on her feet. "I was there, remember?"

"Sadly," she flatly said. "But you know what? Over it. Done. It's been a month and I'm over it."

"I know you're mad-"

"Oh no, no," she shook her head. "I'm not mad."

"Really?" Sonny knew that tight, sour smile meant Rafael was still in her bad graces.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Even though he lied and chose to be with some woman who manipulated him, he has all the freedom to do it. I-" she gestured at herself, "-am simply removing myself from the situation because I'm pretty sure if I had him in front of me I might murder him - wait…" she pretended to think about it for a second before saying, "No, I'm sure I would murder him."

Sonny sighed. "Montserrat, if you would just listen to what Rafael has to say then you would see that it's not what it looks like."

Because it wasn't like Rafael hadn't already tried. He'd struggled to get Montserrat to listen to him for just a minute, even more to just stand still but...Montserrat was adamant that the choice had been made. He made it so it was only fair that she make hers...even though her choice was being made out of spite, something Rafael had mistakenly pointed out which brought out a whole new type of argument. (Sonny may or may not have sat Rafael down afterwards to go over everything he'd done wrong).

"Sorry," Montserrat waved Sonny off, "I have better things to do."

"Montserrat-" Sonny called as the woman backtracked towards the elevator.

"Seriously," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "And feel free to mention that murder part. I may be over it, but I hold a wicked grudge. I've been lenient this past month but I'm done now."

"Montse-"

"Maybe this is another reason why we shouldn't be together - I might kill him on the first date," Montserrat shrugged ever-so-casually with her wide, innocent smile.

Oh yeah, she was still furious. It was the quiet type of furious which, generally, turned out to be worse than the loud, screaming fury.

~ 0 ~

"See, this is the only video we have," Damian played the security feed of the final evaluation he and Gael did before the building collapsed.

Montserrat, Gael and Calhoun leaned forwards on the table to see the computer screen.

"But that's not it," Gael pointed with a deep scowl on his face. "That's the very last one - the one after I had checked for everything. It makes me look like I barely did my job."

"Okay, so we have to find that other security feed," Calhoun said. "And in the meantime, I'll be taking that video-" she pointed at the screen, "-as part of the evidence."

"But it's got me showing that I did nothing!" Gael exclaimed. "Why would you want to show people that?"

"Because the label is wrong," Calhoun said sharply. "And that means someone intentionally labeled it wrong."

"So it's part of the bigger evidence," Montserrat said for her brother's sake. "Proves that they were switched intentionally."

"Okay, then we gotta go back to work and find that other video," Gael rose from his seat but both Montserrat and Calhoun brought him back down.

"You cannot go back there until the investigation is over," Calhoun practically snapped so Montserrat went ahead and explained.

"If you go back, the D.A will make it look like you were going to plant something to prove your innocent. It's better if you stay far away from there until we figure things out."

"But what am I supposed to do!?"

"Be with your daughters?" Montserrat very wisely reminded him. "They really need you, especially Juliana."

Gael sighed. He learned of his teenage daughter's 3 day suspension when he first got out on bail and was overly upset with her, though he did understand her behavior sprang from his situation. Now as his trial had begun, he really strove to make sure both his daughters weren't in the fires of the media. "I suppose they do."

"Let us take care of it," Damian said. "I can go back and look for that video."

"If you do, be sure to have another employee with you so they don't claim you planted it," Calhoun warned then pointed a finger at Montserrat. "You're banned from that building as well."

"I know," the ginger woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not new at this, you remember right?"

Calhoun's smile was the definition of a frenemy. "Just do your job detective and I will do mine."

"This is my job right now," Montserrat reminded the woman as the latter prepared to leave the apartment. "So keep me updated at all times."

"I know," Calhoun playfully rolled her eyes. It was truly novelty being on the same side. "See you in court tomorrow."

When she was gone, Gael readied to leave as well. "I'm picking up Ivana and then Juliana early. Maybe we can have lunch or something."

"Honestly, that's the best thing you can do right now," Damian told him. "Just be with your girls. Montserrat and I have this."

"He means I got this since, reminder, being a detective is my job," Montserrat folded her arms over her chest. "It's literally what I do to eat."

"Still, I don't want you guys overexerting yourself on my case," Gael looked between his sister and best friend. "So please get some sleep and just take care of yourselves."

"We're fine Gael," Montserrat smiled at him.

"No you're not," he said too fast for her liking. "You've got something going on and you won't say anything. And don't try denying it."

Montserrat rolled her eyes. She would not be discussing any of these problems with anyone. She hadn't even told Kara about it - though Kara had assumed who Montserrat's problem was before actually hearing the story from Sonny later on - and Montserrat planned to bury that awful moment. Was it healthy? Probably not. Did she care? Nope.

~0~

Damian and Montserrat had stayed in the latter's place going through more of the files Damian took from his job. Being as thorough as possible meant neither noticed the time pass by until Kara and Sonny walked into the apartment.

"You guys are still working?" Kara wasn't surprised at all. For the past week this had been the way she'd find her best friend, not to mention her apartment kept looking like a storage room than an actual apartment.

"Well, my brother's still being accused of murder so…" Montserrat's sarcasm made Kara roll her eyes. "And he's on trial."

"Did you guys find anything useful?" Sonny asked. He hoped the afternoon had been used only for work purposes and nothing else.

"I mean, I guess so?" Damian looked over to Montserrat for confirmation. "I found some papers that Montserrat thinks Calhoun can use."

"It's just the previous signed evaluations indicating Gael did previous evaluations for each stage of construction before the final one," Montserrat explained.

"That's great," Sonny smiled for her. "It's definitely helpful in the case."

"Is it?" Kara smiled almost like him.

"Yeah," the detective nodded his head. "It establishes that Gael did the required evaluations before the building was finished."

"Yeah, except we still don't have that security feed of the final evaluation," Montserrat sighed. She leaned back on her chair and folded her arms. "If we had that, we would end all of this once and for all."

Damian put down his side of papers and moved to Montserrat's side. His hand went on her shoulder as he bent down beside her chair. "Hey, first thing tomorrow I'm gonna go back to work and I'm not gonna leave until I find that video."

Montserrat met his look with a soft smile. She would love nothing more than to finally put an end to this nightmare. "I really wish I could go there too."

"You heard Calhoun. It's best if you don't. I've got an idea, why don't we grab some dinner?"

Sonny scowled. Wow, the guy didn't miss a chance did he?

"Or we could order in?" suggested Kara who walked up to Montserrat's other side.

Sonny then smiled. That's why I love her.

"Thanks guys, but I think I'll just head to bed." Montserrat pushed herself up to her feet and offered both Mackies a polite smile. She loved that they tried so hard to cheer her up, but she just wasn't in the mood. Lately, she wasn't in the mood for anything.

"Are you sure?" Kara asked. She shared the same disappointment as her brother.

"Yeah, I'm tired." Montserrat shrugged again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Oh-" she stopped by the doorway and looked directly at Sonny, "-and I may come back a little earlier to SVU. My desk better be cleaned up."

"Oh that's great," Kara was relieved to hear that at least some part of normality would come back to Montserrat's life. "I really hope this can all end. It's taking a toll on Montse and I'm worried about her."

"I'm gonna go to work tomorrow and find that damn video," Damian promised as he went back to the table to clean up the mess of papers.

"Do you have any idea where it could be?" Kara asked. She started helping him put the papers together. "I mean, what guarantee do you have that it's even in there?"

"Because the video disappeared the same day the building crashed and there's been more security ever since. No one could slip out with the video much less not be noticed on camera they're trying to leave with it." Damian neatly stacked the papers on one end of the table then looked up at his sister and Sonny. "I'm gonna find that video if it's the last thing I do. For Gael. For Montserrat." Once everything was set, he bid them goodnight and left.

"If this trial doesn't end soon, I'm afraid both my best friend and my brother are going to lose their minds," Kara sighed once they were alone. She expected more commentary from Sonny, but all she got was a small nod and a distant expression. "Sonny?" she called and because her voice was sharpened, he finally looked at her. "What's the matter with you?"

Sonny shook his head, one hand lightly tapping the top of the chair Montserrat had sat in. "Nothing."

"Do not take me for an idiot, Dominick Carisi. You've been acting strange and even though I know you and Rafael have formed this newfound, closer friendship, it doesn't account for this strange behavior." Kara made a gesture at his current stance and though she walked up to him he seemed to move away. "What are you doing?"

Sonny exhaled and made a gesture towards the hallway, meaning to indicate Montserrat but all that came out of his mouth was a sigh. He didn't mean to do that, but what was he supposed to say? That he was frustrated two of his friends were equally hurting? That his girlfriend's brother was actively trying to win over Montserrat?

His face scrunched. "I should go, Kara. There's work tomorrow, after all."

Kara raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you really going to do this?"

"Do what?" he flashed her a smile but the moment he did she pointed a finger at him.

"Don't you dare use that charming smile on me. Why won't you tell me what you're up to?"

"Because I'm not really up to anything?"

Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I know that's a lie. You think I don't know when Rafael tries to talk with Montserrat? She comes home with a face as red as her hair."

"Sorry, doll, but I'm not up to anything."

"Mhm," Kara pretended to fix the lapels of his jacket by pressing it down. "Listen, I'll believe what you say but...if you do happen to come up with a way my best friend can be happy again, I'll love you a thousand times more."

There was a brief smile on Sonny's face before Kara looked up at him. "I gotta go," he said softly.

"Aha," Kara smiled and leaned on her toes to kiss him. "Go on then. Do nothing. Goodnight."

Sonny had to smile as he left the apartment.

~0~

Each night when Rafael visited Forlinis, it was usually always done to grab some nice dinner that he had no intention of cooking at home. It was usually accompanied by the drinks he just generally loved. But as of late, the entire past month, he came to drown himself in alcohol. And since Forlinis had a wide variety of drinks, he had a vast option list.

"I would hate to think how bad your liver is," Sonny came to take the empty stool beside Rafael. The ADA rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. You always drink but now you're overdoing it, don't you think?"

"I think I should be allowed to drink however much I want to," Rafael raised his glass in the air, showing off the tiny bit of alcohol left. He then drowned it all in two seconds and called for a new one.

Sonny nodded and watched the bartender go get a new drink. He wasn't surprised, least not anymore. It had been a very tough month. "This solves nothing."

Rafael graciously accepted his new drink filled to the brim. "I never said it did. Look it's been a very busy day therefore I deserve to end it however I want to." He pretended to salute with his glass then drank it down.

Sonny knew that was bullshit. He let Rafael finish his glass, once again, before speaking up. "I saw her, if you're interested."

"Mhm, and I saw her yesterday and two days before that…" Rafael pretended to do some calculations of how many times he'd seen Montserrat that always ended with an argument. "Yeah, and none of those times have gone well."

"Well, you just have to keep trying."

Rafael shook his head. Each day the discouragement became more and more evident on his face. And how could he not be? Each time he attempted to talk with Montserrat she would either a) shout at him to leave her alone or b) very calmly, but equally angry, tell him everything was done. She was done.

"I think I have finally expended my attempts," Rafael said. "Montserrat despises me and with good reasons."

"Yeah, but the thing is-" Sonny tilted his head, face scrunching, "-she doesn't really hate you. Hate would imply she's over things which is a clear lie. And you should know that Olivia has asked Montserrat to be on standby in case SVU needs her back earlier."

But Rafael didn't seem so surprised. "Yeah, Liv mentioned it to me earlier in the day."

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing, was I supposed to?"

Sonny once again tilted his head at him, his expression seeming more accusatory than anything.

"What do you want me to do!?" Rafael scowled and looked away. The fact that Sonny may have heard him huff was just another novelty. "I'm not gonna further ruin Montserrat. She wants to come back? That's great. It just means I'm going to have to talk with her about something else." The matter of 'when' was just one of the problems.

"You know I could facilitate that-"

"No," Rafael pointed a finger at the detective, warning him not to even try. Montserrat didn't need to be angry with Sonny as well. Even if he was irritating sometimes, Rafael appreciated Sonny's constant help throughout this horrible month. "You're not going to do anything anymore. Just tell me...how is she doing?"

"... she's alright, in what fits. They're getting new evidence for the trial which, actually, is really good. Damian's taking it upon himself to find that missing a video - the very video that would exonerate Gael from all charges."

Despite not facing Sonny, Rafael could see from the corner of his eye that the detective was waiting for him to say something. "Well I hope he does find it, then. Someone should make her happy."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "We're not doing this - you-" he snatched Rafael's glass right out of his hand, "-are not doing this."

"Doing what!?"

"Wallow in self pity, what else? That's unbecoming of you, not to mention plain weird," Sonny put the glass down on the counter, by his side.

"It's not pity, I'm just tired," Rafael slowly corrected as he glanced at the detective. "You can understand why, right?"

"Yes, I can, but it's not really over. Not yet."

"That's all great, Carisi, but it's over for tonight at least. I'm taking a break, one that I'm sure Montserrat would deeply love." Rafael pulled out a couple bills to cover his drinks then promptly got up from his stool. "So, thanks but...why don't you just go back to Kara or something? Don't want to make her mad too."

~0~

It took a lot of courage for Montserrat to walk into the D.A's building, much more into the office of the person she wasn't quite ready to see yet (not that, that had stopped him from trying to talk to her). She drew in a deep breath before walking - striding - into Rafael's office.

"Morning, we have to talk," she said in a jumbled tone.

Rafael was stunned to see her plopping down into the chair across his desk. "Morning…"

"So Olivia's asked me to come back - officially sometime later this week - and of course I agreed," Montserrat shrugged. Her tone was fast but she couldn't quite look Rafael in the eyes. "I'll only be away to attend my brother's ongoing trial but I'm pretty much back."

"Well, that's great for you. Honestly," Rafael was slow with his words, cautious really. He never expected her to come into his office and much less willingly speak to him without shouting.

"I'm just here so that we can both get on the same page about what happened. I think it goes without saying that I don't want anyone to know. Nothing happened. We're just normal co-workers."

"I understand what you want but I have to say that I'll have some trouble with that…"

"I had trouble with your choices but I made it through," the sourness covering Montserrat's words were out of her control. But if it stung, oh well. "Think you can do the same for me."

"I can certainly try but I have to say it would be a lot easier if you would just allow me 5 minutes to explain--"

"And we're done," Montserrat got up.

Rafael frowned at her and got up as well. "No, we're not."

She matched his frown with one of her own. Equally matched, the irony.

"You realize if you would just give me those five minutes we could end all of this."

"That would mean I would have to give in and I'll be damned if I do that anytime soon."

"Mature."

Montserrat's smile was both endearing and frustrating. "Get a taste of what you'd be in for." She was attractive yet about to kill him.

"You're making yourself miserable, Montserrat," Rafael moved around the desk until he was standing in front of Montserrat.

"No, you did that all on your own," she glared.

"So then let me fix it. Let me explain and if you still hate me afterwards I'll leave you alone for good. Five minutes and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll stop trying. You'll have some peace."

Montserrat looked away but there was a slight look of inclination. She might give in…

But it all disappeared when Olivia herself walked into the office. She was, of course, surprised to find Montserrat already there.

"I was waiting for Casey to finish her some paperwork so we could go to the trial together," Montserrat easily supplied the excuse then discreetly threw a look at Rafael to warm him not to say anything. "Thought I'd wait here in the meantime."

"I hope it all goes well," Olivia said, nonethewiser of went went on with those two.

"I'll be back to the precinct afterwards, though," Montserrat promised. "Are there any new cases I should know about?"

"We've got a new girl, Luna, who might tie back to Ellie Porter's death," Olivia looked at Rafael and Montserrat for that piece of news. "But we're going to need some help since Nick is the only one who can help bring closer our two connections."

"Nick?" went both Montserrat and Rafael. They then gave each other looks for their unintended synchrony.

"No wait a minute, I thought Nick was stuck doing deadbeat cop stuff in Queens?" Montserrat asked.

"He's the one who arrested Luna, actually. But we want to use him to get to Luna's pimp and make him think Nick is on his side."

"It could be believable since 1PP did sentence him to a lower status," Rafael considered the opportunities this little gig would bring them in their case.

"That, uh, sounds…" Montserrat scrunched her face, "Honestly, I just sounds like I have a lot of files to read through to catch up."

Olivia sent her a smile. "It's all waiting for you when you get back."

"Goodie," Montserrat chuckled and started on her way out. She didn't bother looking back. Why should she? It wouldn't change a damn thing.

~0~

There were various trials going on in the courthouse. SVU had one going for an earlier case, at the same time Montserrat had her brother's trial.

She painstakingly sat through her brother's trial and silently listened to all the baseless accusations the prosecutor, Geraghty, threw at her brother. My God she hated that woman. 

"I hate that I can't find that video," Damian muttered after they walked out of the courtroom.

"We'll find it," Montserrat tried her best to sound as positive as possible, but that missing video was seriously screwing them up.

Calhoun had already told them - warned them - that if they didn't find the missing video, their chances of winning were half and half. Montserrat wanted the full 100%.

From the other end of the hallway, Olivia was leading the way out of their own trial. "Tell me we've got this guy."

"It's basically a done deal," Rafael told her and Sonny. "No matter what he says, he's screwed."

Olivia seemed to believe him. She nodded and motioned Sonny to follow her out.

Of course for some reason Rafael called Carisi back all of a sudden. The detective in question slowly returned after getting the ok from Olivia.

"What is it, councilor?" Sonny asked but for the first few seconds Rafael didn't answer.

He was watching something, or rather someone. He finally understood what Sonny had been trying to tell him all month. There was Montserrat with Damian, talking yet the latter seemed to be unable to keep his hands off the former.

And it made his blood boil.

The worst bit was the fact Montserrat seemed to be taking comfort in Damian's touch. She had that warm, relieved smile on her face and her glossy eyes which could only mean she was close to crying. And about what? Her brother's trial. It had to be going bad.

"Councilor?" Sonny broke through Rafael's concentration. "Did you need something?"

"Yes," Rafael answered in a low mutter. He grabbed Sonny's arm, a bit harder than he intended to. "You know that stuff I said about giving myself and Montserrat a break?"

"Yeah…" Sonny was now giving him a strange look.

"Forget about it. One more time. I'm going to do it one more time and you're going to help me."

"Really?" Sonny's eyebrows raised. He didn't think Rafael would get over it so quickly, but then he noticed what Rafael had been looking at and completely got it. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

"Shut up," Rafael ordered and pointed a finger behind them. "Now listen because you're going to bring Montserrat into the conference room. Got it?"

"Got it. How do I do that?"

Rafael's smile was promising.

~0~

"Look Sonny, I haven't actually caught up on the cases," Montserrat trailed after Sonny down the courthouse hallways. "Actually, I haven't read at all. I'm gonna need a few more days before I actually return to SVU."

"That's okay, Liv just wanted a word with you," Sonny turned the conference room's doorknob and gestured for Montserrat to go in first.

"Well I don't imagine what about considering I'm way behind," the ginger walked in and went around the table only to see Olivia wasn't anywhere inside. "Where's Liv?"

"She's back at the precinct, where else?" Rafael came striding in much like she when she'd visited him the day before.

Montserrat tilted her head, eyes squinting a bit as she thought.

"What are you doing?" Rafael asked her. He expected her to start yelling the moment she realized she'd been tricked. The fact she was quiet was scary. Yes, she actually managed to scare her sometimes. That idea was still troubling to him.

"I'm thinking…" Montserrat answered in an eerie calm voice.

"About how to talk calmly?" Sonny went with the most hopeful reason he could think of.

"Noooo," Montserrat whispered, still thinking, "I'm thinking that a premeditated murder would get me a longer sentence so I won't think about murdering you -- I'll just do it!" And she actually ran, almost charged, for the detective.

"Montserrat, stop!" Rafael moved in front of Sonny as if the woman would actually cause him harm. "This is between you and me so let's finally finish this, alright? One more time and then we're done. I swear!"

Montserrat turned her head slightly, looking him over with a natural suspicion. "Is that a promise?"

"I give you my word."

Montserrat backed away and gestured Sonny to leave. Before the detective actually left, he stopped by Rafael's side and whispered. "You know what you're doing, councilor? She's pretty pissed."

Montserrat walked towards the other end of the room, mentally preparing herself for this awful moment.

"I just need 5 minutes with her, I know it," Rafael sounded pretty convinced which led Sonny to wonder what the ADA had up his sleeve. All Rafael knew was that he almost had Montserrat yesterday if Olivia hadn't interrupted them. That was what gave him hope that it wasn't all over.

"Good luck," Sonny said with all the genuine care he had. He might actually dream tonight about Montserrat charging at him.

When she heard the door close, Montserrat finally pulled her gaze from the mahogany table. "That was a low trick and you know it."

"It was the only thing that would get you here, isn't it?" Rafael countered with the perfect argument. Montserrat folded her arms, lips pressing against each other since she knew he was right.

She absolutely hated that he was always right.

"What do you want from me?" came her quiet question. "Because, frankly, I'm a little confused. You told me to move on and I tried but now you're here trying to unravel what I've been working on so hard. I don't get it…" her voice cracked towards the end.

"That's what I've been trying to explain this past month, Montserrat, but you haven't given me the chance--"

"Don't you dare pin this on me!" she snapped. She stormed up to him with the deepest scowl that could mar her face. "I gave you ample time to speak up, but you always told me the same things. 'No, we can't.' 'It's unprofessional.' 'We need to stop'. It's only now - when I finally realized you had Yelina on the side - that you want to talk with me."

Rafael's hands shot in front of him, curling and uncurling in frustration. "For the last time - there is nothing between Yelina and I!"

Montserrat laughed in his face and turned away from him. "Sure. She's only the reason you were late to my brother's arraignment and you know, Kara pointed out to me that you didn't have to come. I should've just been grateful that you showed up. But that's not true. You made a promise and you blew me off for the woman who tried manipulating you."

"I didn't know she was going to suddenly drop back into my life. And the only reason I accepted to meet with her is because I didn't want her coming into my office - which she clearly did anyways. But I swear to God, all we did was have lunch - well, we danced around with words but that was it."

Montserrat shook her head. She kept her back to him so that could buy some time and get rid of the tears in her eyes. "Why lie about it, then?"

"Because I didn't think it was important?" Rafael flinched with her humorless laugh.

"Didn't think it was important," she repeated.

"It wasn't!" He had enough and grabbed her arm to turn her around, forcing her to finally look at him. "She wasn't important and I just didn't want to bring that up when you already had so much problems. I wanted to help you find the solution, not add to your list."

"How'd that work out for you?" Montserrat looked him dead in the eyes.

Rafael could look her in her glossy eyes and openly admit it. "You're in pain and I'm the reason for it. Worst mistake of my life."

Montserrat's scoff was a low and quiet one, like she was making herself do it. She didn't exactly have anymore words to keep fighting. She was too tired to keep arguing.

"Montserrat, please," he touched her face, immediately freezing her. She watched his hand as it stroked gentle circles over her cheek and then near her jaw. She had to physically stop herself from shuddering. He let her slowly walk her backwards until her back pressed against the edge of the table. "I've messed up several times and I am so sorry. I only wanted to do what was best for you but...I may just be selfish by coming back to you." His hands ran down the sides of her body, sending tingles down her back but she wouldn't push him away. 

"I hate you," she whispered, sounding like she was out of breath. 

"I know," he whispered back. "But if you give me a chance…" he nuzzled his nose on the side of her face, letting her feel his patterned breath against her cheek, "...I would really like to make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

Montserrat let her eyes fall close. She was so weak for his touch it was honestly ridiculous. When did this happen? When she first started in SVU, she was very sure that she didn't want any of his hands on her because he was outright annoying. Now she never wanted his hands to let her go...and she really wanted him to stop toying with her and move those lips of his onto hers.

Seriously, when did all this happen?

She moved her hands to press against his chest and push him away a bit, though it didn't really seem to do much since they only had minuscule inches between them. "That night...in your office, why was Yelina coming to see you?"

"Montserrat, is that really what you want to keep discussing about?"

"I need to know. She walked in like she owned the place..."

"That's just her personality. She came in because I cut our lunch short. That was it."

"She's someone clearly important to you and I...I'm really tired, Rafael. I don't want to keep arguing, much less fighting with some other woman."

"Yeah, she was important to me...once. But that ended a very long time ago. You are important to me now," he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes at the same time she did. "I've laid everything out for you. In conclusion, you basically own me." Montserrat couldn't help but chuckle and hearing her laughter gave Rafael new hope that things were turning out good.

"Bring in your job why don't you," Montserrat opened her eyes.

"It's bound to happen at some point," Rafael did the same and opened his eyes. "You'd find out if we, uh..." 

Montserrat's breath hitched when he purposely came closer to let his lips hover over hers. All Montserrat could smell right now was him and his cologne and that alone was enthralling. Her hands gripped the lapels of his blazer and the little bit that she tilted her head up brought them to the point that they were one move away from a kiss. "I want to kill you," she said flatly, though a small smile spread across her face in the next minute. "But I think I might just be saying that more often now." She rolled her eyes when he smirked not-so-subtly. "And wipe that smirk off your face."

"Make me," he challenged.

She'd save the snap for his smugness for another day. She kissed him like she'd been wanting to for such a long time. It was a hungry kiss that let all their initial feelings and tension out of the cages they'd worked so hard to keep shut. Rafael could finally throw that caution away and would never have to think about it again (or maybe just a tiny bit for later who knew). He wrapped his arms around Montserrat's waist and hoisted her up on the table. There was a slight laugh murmuring against his lips but his rough kiss silenced her. But with seconds passing he came to realize that Montserrat had her own tricks and ways because no matter how much he tried to be in control, she was pulling the strings. And the right ones too. She had him following her lips in whatever way she moved them. Her hand had found a way to tug his neatly-kept hair at the right moments that would inadvertently make him kiss harder each time, and once she figured it out she took good advantage of it. 

Eventually, they parted to catch their breaths but Montserrat showed her widest smirk possible. She passed her tongue over her teeth, almost inviting him to come back. She passed her hands over his chest, letting them drift under his blazer until they found his suspenders and she was able to pull him right up to him.

"You've surprised me, detective," Rafael murmured, still breathless.

Montserrat arched an eyebrow at him. "Really? Well...just in case you were thinking about going back to...that woman." He rolled his eyes at her. "I dare you to forget me after that kiss...and the ones to come."

[radioactive-synth]

Sole Survivor Vaughn Zander - OC Sheet Info

Date of birth: 13 february 2045

Zodiac sign: Aquarius

Full name: Vaughn Aleksandros Zander

Nicknames: Blue, General, Sunshine, Doll

S.P.E.C.I.A.L.: ST 14 PE 5 END 6 CH 14 INT 16 AG 4 LCK 2

Eye color: steel-grey

Height: 1.84 m

Hair color: light brown

Ethnicity: half greek, half american

Sexuality: bisexual

Disabilities/Illnesses/Injuries: autistic, depressed, anxious, suffers from PTSD, left leg injured due of shooting, myopia

Languages known: Greek (native tongue), English, understands a bit of Chinese, Italian and Spanish

Family: 

Mother: Olivia Zander - status: alive

Father: Ryan Hudson-Zander - status: dead

Uncle: Michael Hudson - status: dead

Cousin: Vincent Nathaniel Hudson (@theartofblossoming’s oc) - status: dead

Spouse(s):

Nora Foster - married in 2073 - status: dead

Nick Valentine-Zander and Hancock Zander - married in 2289 - status: alive

Child(ren): Oliver Zander - adopted

Pets: Hera - radchicken

Status Pre-War: family doctor

Status Post-War: doctor, General of the Minutemen

Current home:

Sanctuary: during spring, autumn and winter

The Castle: during summer

Skills: medical knowledge, cooking, melee fighting

Weaknesses: shooting, sneaking

Weapon of choice: ‘Ares’ - furious power fist, ‘Athena’ - shield

Clothing: 

during missions: the General outfit, combat leg and chest armor, leather shoulder armor, helmet

at home: old vault suit with a bomber jacket or long jacket, denim/rose/green dress

Scars: old scar on left cheek, 2 cuts on his left side of the mouth, one above left eye, one in between the eyes, multiple on his body and on left leg

Personality: intelligent, patient, calm, helpful, protective, responsible, empathetic, over-emotional, can take things very personal

[userarchive]

Unexpected Circumstances Ch 12

Warnings: Language, talk of the job.

The heavy knock at the door caused you to stir, body trying to fight the urge to wake up as Olivia’s voice gently called through the room.

“I know you’re tired, but it’s time to get to work.” Thankfully, she dropped a pair of NYPD sweats and hoodie on the cot next to you while you groggily unwrapped yourself from Sonny’s arms, giving him a soft shove with your elbow to wake him up. You tugged the sweats on half under your dress, pulling your mussed up hair into a top knot, not even caring about your feet, not wanting to shove the heels back on, padding out to the squad room. You were more than thankful at the Starbucks that Kat handed you, giving her the brightest smile you could muster, humming in satisfaction over the taste of the latte.

“Okay.” You started, “Obviously they fucked up by busting the ring tonight, we would’ve had a lot more people on cuffs on the 31st, but at least we have the books.” You shuffled through them, handing one to Fin, one to Kat, and one to Olivia.

“These are huge.” Benson commented, amazed at the attention to detail.

“Yeah.” You replied, “Everything’s colour coded in that one. Perps who got violent have the black dot beside their ID, ones that we kept on a short leash are red, the ones who wanted underage girls are pink, dirty cops are orange, undercover cops are green. Pimps are marked with stars, underage girls are pinks, trafficked girls are yellow and the pros are purple.”

“You did all this?” Sonny looked up at you as he leafed through the book.

“Thank Theresa for dragging me to that scrapbooking class.” He practically snorted at that, knowing how much you despised spending an entire weekend cutting out little photos and decals with his sister.

“These are all suppliers…” Fin commented, looking up from the book you’d handed him. You knew he used to be in narcotics, figured he’d be the best to start tracking down those leads.

“Manhattan royalty. Can’t have our drugs laced with garbage, we refused to deal with dealers or buy off the street, we needed the purest product a supplier could get.”

“That Martinez’s idea?”

“Nah, I convinced him to switch over after I started. Said I didn’t want any dead bodies turning up on my hands ‘cause of the spike in Fentanyl.”

“We could shut down at least a third of the drug operations in the city with this.”

“You’re welcome.” You smirked, turning back to Olivia, “I’d start focussing on the stars, pink, yellow and black from there. Find whatever evidence you’re gonna need for arrests or warrants, we’re in this for the long hall.”

“This one’s all arms dealers.” Kat commented.

“Yeah, it’s not as much, we didn’t deal much with ATF type stuff, but I figured I may as well document it too.”

“Martinez was okay with you taking all this down?” Sonny asked, shocked that anyone was willing to give you this much information if they were coming to a party, you had drivers licences scanned into the book for more than a few people.

“It helped us keep track of everything, especially people we didn’t want coming back to another party.” You shrugged, “Besides, the more people in the book, the more people we could flip on if we were ever arrested, these things are a fucking gold mine. Alejandro was more than okay with having someone else to throw under the bus.” Elliot’s voice was the next to break through the room, much to your annoyance.

“Well he’s not about to flip on anyone. 6 hours and he’s not saying a word.”

“He lawyered up?” Olivia asked.

“No.” He sighed, “Just refuses to talk.” You groaned outwardly, knowing just how damn stubborn the man was, knowing the only way out of this. You tugged your dress down over your hips, kicking off the sweats, shoving your shoes back on, hands extended in front of you to Stabler.

“Let me talk to him.” He cocked his brow at you, “As a perp.” You insisted, “Trust me. He’ll flip.” Elliot shrugged, reaching for his cuffs as you turned to Sonny. “Please…remember anything I say in there is not true.” His brows furrowed at your comment, watching you give your body a shake as you slipped into character, Elliot leading you to the interrogation room. 

Alejandro’s head shot up at the motion of the door opening, nearly jumping up from the table at the sullen look on your face, not to mention the split lip and well forming bruise from the pistol whipping he’d witnessed. 

“What the hell did you do to her?” 

“I’m fine! Please.” You calmed him quickly, urging him to sit back down.

“She just wanted to talk to you.” Elliot folded his arms across his chest, leaning back against the wall, watching the way you nearly timidly sat down at the table, your eyes softly meeting Alejandro’s. 

“I need you to talk…please…” The shake in your voice was convincing enough even Stabler would’ve fallen for it, “Alejandro they’re threatening me with fifteen years.” Tears had sprung into your eyes, his hands grasping yours across the table, your voices hushed, as if that would make them not heard by the ones you knew were watching.

“Chiquita…just throw a couple names out, they’ll let you walk like they always do.”

“It’s not like that this time, they’re not offering me a deal. Organized crime is here too, there’s no escaping this, they’re throwing me in jail!”

“You’ll be okay, trust me.” You nearly choked out a sob.

“Please…I can’t go to jail! Alejandro… I’m pregnant…”

“What?!” His eyes shot up to you, full of worry and concern, watching the tear roll down your cheek. “I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.”

“I just found out….I swapped the champagne for sparkling cider at the party. “He…he was a new guy, I’d only seen him a couple of times…” You sniffled back a cry, “I…I can’t go to jail..the baby..child services’ll take it away right away and I’ll never see it again. All I ever wanted was to be a mother…you know that. I ca—I can’t lose this baby…” You did the best to wipe your face with your cuffed hands, “I already gave them the books, but they claim they want your confession.”

“You gave them the books?!”

“I had no choice.” You sobbed into your hands, Alejandro quickly moved around the table, a hand softly rubbing against your back.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, they can’t put you away.” He looked up to Elliot, “Get your lawyer in here, we’ll make a deal.” The sergeant smirked at his words, watching him move back around the table, tapping the glass for Sonny to come in. 

“Mr Martinez. What exactly do you want?”

“You keep Rose out of jail.” His arms folded over his chest, “I’ll give you anything you want, anyone you want. She stays out of the trial, out of jail, charge her with a misdemeanour fine if you must and let her walk. She just did the books, she had nothing to do with the ring.”

“And the gun?” Sonny replied, you had to give it to him, he was doing a good job at keeping your cover.

“It wasn’t hers! It was Declan’s!”

“Oh and the drugs also happened to not be hers?”

“Her Dad died of an overdose, she’d never touched the stuff. I’ve known her seven years and never seen her even go near any of it.  It’s all mine. Let. Her. Go.” Sonny looked between the bodies in the room, 

“We’ll keep her here until you’ve given us enough information to make that deal, you understand that?” Alejandro begrudgingly sighed at that, nodding in response, giving you a soft look. 

“Thank you.” He nearly flinched at the rough way Elliot tugged you up from the table, leading you from the room. You were thankful he waited until the door was closed before he spoke.

“Where’d you go to acting school?” He half joked.

“NYU, double majored.” You shoved your wrists in front of his face, “Now un cuff me.” He rolled his eyes at you, undoing the cuffs, “You’re welcome…” You teasingly replied, heading back into the squad room.

**

You were thankful when Alejandro’s case went to trial quickly, and that Sonny didn’t need you to take the stand, not that you’d be able to do anything other than plead the 5th on the off chance the jury found him not guilty. The trial was set to start today and you were currently leant up against the wall of the courthouse, one knee bent, heel on the wall while you scrolled through your phone. 

“What’re you doing here? Is the defence calling you?” Sonny’s soft voice rang through the space as he approached you. You gave him a cold once over,

“Mr. Carisi…” He then realized you were definitely here undercover, which he should’ve realized with simply the way you were dressed. “I’m simply here for moral support. He is offering time in jail to save me and my unborn child from having to go.” He chuckled at your joke, moving closer to you, dropping his voice to not be overheard.

“Ya know, you’ve got a weird relationship with Martinez.” You laughed, 

“And you’ve got a weird little relationship with Carl Rudnick, don’t you?” You smirked at his baffled reaction, “I’ll see you in there Counsellor. Nice suit.”

**

“Hey, how’d it go?” Amanda asked as you and Sonny made your way into the bull pen.

“Guilty.” You replied,

“He’ll do 15 for promoting prostitution, 8 for the drug charges, served concurrently.” Sonny spoke, placing his briefcase down into an empty chair.

“That little for all those drugs?” Fin questioned, 

“He flipped on nearly all of the suppliers in the book, gave us proof that he bought from them regularly.” You dropped down into your chair, pulling out the pile of papers while spinning to face the whiteboard. “Where are we with the rest of ‘em?”

*

All in all it would end up taking months to track down enough substantial evidence to arrest as many people as you could from the books, focussing on collaring the most dangerous ones. It was overtime for nearly everyone, finding placement in shelters, foster homes, low cost apartments for the girls, helping those who would admit to needing it to find the proper therapists. Grilling perps, and dealing with one hell of a lot of defence attorneys, everybody was ready to try and throw someone else under the bus, problem was, you already had everyone. You ended up having to testify in multiple trials, some of them simply pleading the fifth, some of them you were able to give your true testimony, explaining in explicit detail about the work you’d done undercover, and everything you’d witnessed. The trials took even longer, some of the higher privileged clients sure to pull out every stop possibly, dragging things out as long as they could, using their status and power in the city to try and get out of the charges. The entire squad was not only exhausted but on edge, careful to watch their backs, Sonny had insisted on a protective detail on you, especially once you started testifying. (Which of course you rolled your eyes at). You knew it would take ages to work through the books, and there were still a large number of clients you had yet to nail that were still out there, able to target a new group, a different girl, and at this point there wasn’t much you could do about it.

*

It was the original night of Alejandro’s trial that you got home, later than expected, not surprised to find Sonny in the kitchen, spatula in one hand, pen scribbling on a legal pad in the other. You greeted him with a soft kiss on the cheek, knowing his scrunched face meant that he was at least attempting to concentrate, before moving down the hall to change into comfier clothes.

“Sorry I’m late.” You started, taking a seat across the island.

“S’okay, I didn’t get out on time either.” He scribbled something out on the pad, giving a hefty sigh as he tossed it aside, returning his attention to the stove.

“You did great today, really crushed it in there. You’ve grown into such an incredible lawyer Sonny.”

“Thanks.” He tossed you a warm grin at the praise, “Can’t say I wasn’t worried, that Martinez sure is a smooth talker, there was definitely more than one sympathetic juror.” He paused to pull down two wine glasses, passing one over to you, “Doesn’t help that they all think he took the fall to protect his pregnant co conspirator.” You cocked a brow, sipping on your wine.

“I did what I had to do to get him to talk, and that’s what we needed.”

“You couldn’ta just told him you were a cop?” 

“And blow my cover? So when he gets out, probably in less time than his sentence and goes straight back into the sex ring world we won’t have an immediate in?”

“You really think he’ll go straight back into what got him thrown in jail?” You shrugged, 

“It’s all he knows. He grew up surrounded by that world, took over the ring when his Dad died, he was barely 25. Deems himself too good to deal drugs, hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already wrangling up new customers at Greenhaven.”

“Too good ta deal drugs, but he’s fine selling women for sex? Seems a bit outlandish.” You gave a small laugh, knowing just how ridiculous it all was, “You exchange a lot of personal information with each other?” Carisi stopped briefly, plating up dinner.

“I was working with him for seven years, we couldn’t exactly keep the conversations to the weather and local sports teams…I padded my story as thick as I could before I went under.”

“Ya told him about your Dad…” Your eyes darted up to meet Sonny’s, 

“Felt like it was an big enough excuse to stay away from the drugs…” You sighed, “Listen, when you’re under that long, little bits of the truth end up slipping out, you can only lie about so many things before you start to forget details. It’s easier to just let the real you shine through into your character.”

“Well you two certainly seem comfortable together.” You froze your movements at that, waiting for him to meet your eyes across the island.

“What exactly are you insinuating Dominick?” You felt a ball of rage slowly building in the pit of your stomach.

“I’m just sayin’, seven years working sex rings together, lavish vacations in the downtime, you never once slipped up? Slept with your mark?”

“Dominick!!” You rolled your eyes, “If I WAS to have had sex with anyone while under it certainly wouldn’t have been a federal criminal!! Where the fuck is this coming from? Just cause I went to the trial?”

Sonny had been annoyed at that fact all week while Alejandro’s trail went on, he somewhat understood your intent behind it, but he didn’t like it. He also didn’t like the way Alejandro’s eyes lingered on you in the court room, the way that he was so quick to flip for you in interrogation, the way that he’d comforted your tears, things simply seemed a little to close for his comfort. He knew that he technically couldn’t blame you for anything that happened while you were under, thinking you were dead, he’d tried to move on a few times, but it was a punch to the gut watching the way the two of you interacted.

“More like because that prick is going to jail for you! He’d face 15 years just so you wouldn’t have to? There’s just somethin’ there that doesn’t seem just as black and white as coworkers.”

“We had separate rooms at that penthouse, in opposite wings. The closest thing you could compare it to would be if he was my, non-sexual, sugar daddy!”

“That man is wrapped around your Goddamn finger so tightly I can’t just ignore it. There’s no way he doesn’t have some kind of feelings for you!” His anger was building up, he hadn’t wanted to fight about this, just wanted a straight answer, “Are you telling me you never once slept with him?”

“Never! He takes care of his company, but not like that. He nearly always had a pro on his arm!” You huffed, mirroring his position of folding your arms on the counter, “Are you telling me you never once slept with Rollins?” He faltered at that, should’ve known better than to attempt to fight about this with you.

“I—no.” He hung his head ashamed, “There was one time that we…almost..but-“

“I already know about West Virginia…she told me, long before you even thought about it.” You pushed off the island, moving to stand, “You had a thing with your partner, who’s now my partner, at least now I know which one of you has my back!”

“You’re tellin’ me that in seven fuckin years you didn’t once touch anyone?” He was standing now too, anger consuming him as he watched you grab your coat.

“Sonny! I was working in a fucking sex ring! The things I had to deal with, the things I saw?! Those poor girls getting beaten, getting raped on a regular basis, the ones who were so young they’d barely hit puberty being forced to have sex with men three times their age! Getting hooked on fucking drugs?! You know how many I saw turn up dead of overdoses ‘cause they’d gotten a bad score? You know how many times I personally had to pull a John off a girl ‘cause they were being too rough, ‘cause they weren’t doing what the girl had consented to? How many times I’ve had to drop off Jane Doe’s at the E.R. cause they were on the brink of alcohol poisoning, needed a stomach pump for all the drugs they’d shoved up their nose? Or the ones I had to bring in to get treatment for internal bruising or tearing in places I didn’t even want to think of? Do you really, seriously think that while I was witnessing all that horror that my mind even wanted to THINK about sex in a intimate way? I was just doing my best to keep those poor girls alive!!” You wrenched open the door, 

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” 

“Amanda’s! We’ll finish this when you’ve got your head on straight.” With that the door was slammed shut and you were gone. 

You knew that coming out of undercover wasn’t going to be easy, especially after such a long stint, and especially with the baggage of your past. You’d been slightly amazed that Sonny hadn’t moved on, that he wanted to work things out, that he was still able to love you as much as you loved him. He was a true gem, always had been and always would be, and you knew he belonged in your life, otherwise why would it have thrown you back together like this? 

Sonny dropped back into his seat at the island, sighing heavily he shoved the plate of food away from him, opting instead to top up his wine glass, taking a hefty swig. He’d been so pent up and distracted at Martinez’s behaviour towards you, knowledge of all the gifts he’d gotten you, he’d forgotten about the other side of the op, the side of actual heinous crimes. You’d probably seen more horrible things than half of SVU combined, and while they dealt with the aftermath, you dealt with it in real time, witnessing the crimes, and then still attempting to piece back together the broken girls afterwards. Only thing was, you weren’t putting them back together to stand trial or to press charges, they weren’t getting any justice, you just needed them back in working form as fast as possible. It was probably complete torture for you, every single one of the upcoming cases from this bust was probably weighing you down so heavily you were barely afloat anymore.  

[alvacchi]

Susan x Ray scenario, please? I want this ship to become popular

Your wish has been heard loud and clear!

This turned out longer than I thought! I will put part of this under cut to not take up people’s dashboards haha.

There isn’t much information on Susan, at least not in English! So this will be based off of assumptions! It could be read as a close sibling bond at the same time!

Here’s my own interpretation of how Ray and Susan’s relationship went! Enjoy!

[This contains spoilers from A Letter from Norman, Prologue and Chapter 1. Also spoilers up to Ch 32/Episode 11]

—

SCENARIO: Numbered: Susan’s Story

Year 2038

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 4

Susan = Age 5

Olivia & Michelle = Age 6

[Ray was sitting against a tree by himself, reading his book and humming a lullaby as the others were playing tag.]

Ray: 🎵 🎵 🎵 ~

Susan: What a beautiful melody!

[Ray stops singing and looks up from his book to see Susan looking down at him.]

Ray: Aren’t you playing tag?

Susan: Don’t feel like it. What about you? Aren’t you going to join?

Ray: It’s a nuisance.

Susan: Did you compose it? The song?

Ray: Not going to tell you.

Susan: Well I think you should sing more! You got a nice voice.

Ray: Hm [he goes back to reading his book]

Susan: Hey, are you listening?

Ray: …

Susan: … ‘Not talkative much? Wait…is he reading about farming?’

[The others were starting to gather around now. Eventually, tag was over.]

Olivia: Susan! You should come play tag with us more!

Michelle: That’s right!

Emma: Ray, you should come too!

Ray: I’ll pass. Who’s going to keep track of the time?

Emma: You can do that while you play!

Ray: I’d rather stay and read.

Emma: [pouts]

Susan: Haha I’ll join some time!

‘Maybe I’ll be able to get Ray to play too.’

—

Year 2039

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 5

Susan = Age 6

Oliva & Michelle = Age 7

Ray: Why am I playing tag again?

Susan: It’s important to move your body around more! It’s good exercise.

Ray: Right.

Susan: [covers Ray’s and her footprints up as they move around the forest]

Ray: Heh~ you’re really good at this.

Susan: Of course. This makes it so they can’t track where we are…

[Susan sees a scratch on Ray’s ear.]

Susan: Ray

Ray: Yeah?

Susan: What happened to your ear?

Ray: ! [He immediately puts his hand over his ear] It’s nothing. It’ll heal up.

Susan: You’re going to get an infection if you don’t bandage that! Let me see that!

Ray: No

Susan: Ray–

??: AAAAAA!!

[Ray and Susan run over to the source of the scream. Norman is seen collapsed on the ground exhausted with Emma worrying over him. Ray grabs a stick and starts poking at Norman.]

??: THERE WAS A MURDER!

Emma: No there wasn’t! But Norman fainted!

Isabella: He’s sick. Listen you can’t go near the infirmary for a while. Okay?

Everyone: Okay! [Emma stands there shocked.]

Susan: ‘Ray, he’s hiding something but he’s always been secretive. Maybe it’s not that important…’

—

Year 2040

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 6

Susan = Age 7

Helena: Susan, you’re always talking about Ray nowadays.

Susan: What? No I’m not!

Abbie: Yes you are.

Susan: I’m just worried that he’ll stay being alone. He’s always sitting by the tree reading his book by himself.

Helena: That’s true. He seems to keep his distance from everyone.

Abbie: Don’t Emma and Norman go play with him? Aren’t they the same age?

Helena: Maybe he’s afraid of getting close to us because we’re going to leave the household one day.

Susan: Olivia and Michelle have already left with their foster family. I wish he’d warm up to us more. I’ve been trying to get him to…

Abbie: I’m sure you’ll be able to!

Helena: Yeah! Believe in yourself!

Susan: Thanks you guys! I’ll do my best!

—

Year 2041

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 7

Susan = Age 8

[Ray and Susan were sitting outside by the tree as the others play tag. They started talking more often now.]

Susan: A ghost hunting adventure? You, Norman, and Emma went?

Ray: Yeah! I was dragged along to find out if ghosts exist or not, even though it was obvious they don’t. Olivia and Marcus were saying there were ghosts at night and Emma thought of writing a letter to the ghost. It was ridiculous! Turns out also that Chucky was the ghost in the hallway and Robert was the piano ghost. Emma got a reply to her letter but I believe the one who wrote back was Mama though. I’m sure Norman caught on but Emma probably doesn’t realize.

Susan: Haha that sounds like Emma! Did that happen? Ah, I wish I wasn’t sick that time! I miss Marcus and Robert now! They already left the household not long ago. Olivia and the others too. You sure talk a lot about Emma and Norman. They mean the world to you huh?

Ray: …Yeah. Yeah they do.

Susan: That’s nice. I envy that. Hold them close and make sure you don’t let go.

[She pats Ray on the head with a smile.]

Susan: …could I hear you sing that song once more?

Ray: I don’t feel like it right now.

Susan: Heeh please?

Ray: I’ll tell you something about it instead. I learned it when I was in the womb of my biological mother.

Susan: Huh?! Really? How is that possible?

Ray: I don’t have childhood amnesia.

Susan: Woah. How nice~. I want to remember something that far back! Then, maybe I’ll know something about my parents. We’re orphans though.

Ray: …

[After some time of peace and quiet, Susan suddenly started giggling to herself]

Ray: Why are you laughing?

Susan: I’m just glad to see you opening up a little! Do you remember? During that time Norman got sick, you were forced to wear that mask. You were giving some ideas to Emma so Mama taped up your mouth.

Ray: Do you have to remember the worst parts about me?

Susan: Sorry! But I thought it was cute!

Ray: …[flustered] I’m not cute…

Susan: You’re so mature for your age, despite being shorter than me.

Ray: I’m not that much younger than you. And besides I’m still growing.

Susan: Hehe maybe you’ll get taller than me one day!

Ray: Yeah…one day…

[There was a hint of sadness on Ray’s face for a split second before it goes back to normal. Susan didn’t miss it.]

Susan: ‘Huh? Why did he look so upset?’

—

Year 2042

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 8

Susan = Age 9

Isabella: Congratulations Helena. You’re going to join a foster family.

Abbie: Helena! Congratulations! You’re so lucky!

Chucky: More and more of you guys are leaving!

Jimmy: Darn, it’s going to feel more lonely!

Abbie: Hey you guys! This is a time for celebration! Let’s be happy!

Susan: Helena, make sure you write back!

Helena: I will! Hey, what do you guys want to do when you go outside? I’m going to become an artist and draw animals outside!

Abbie: I think I’ll want to go on a boat and see some cute bunnies!

Chucky: I want to see a fairy!

Jimmy: Oh yeah I read about fairies in a picture book! They’re cute!

[As they were talking about their future plans, Ray was helping out in the kitchen with the others, cutting up vegetables. He listens in to their conversation.]

Susan: I want to meet more people! Being together with you guys is already so fun! Just thinking about getting adopted makes me so happy!

Ray: ‘It’s not something to be happy about!’

[Ray accidentally cuts himself with the knife.]

Ray: Ah.

Emma: AAA RAY YOU’RE BLEEDING!

[Susan and the others noticed the commotion in the kitchen. Isabella was going to go with Ray to get his finger bandaged up in the infirmary, but Ray insists he can do it himself. Susan comes to see him there, worried.]

Susan: Hey. Are you that bothered about me leaving the house some day?

Ray: …

Susan: Ray…you know I’ll be writing to you. You don’t have to be so upset. I won’t let you be lonely. Besides you have Emma and Norman to keep you company!

Ray: I wasn’t even planning on getting attached to them. ‘Much less to you’

Susan: [smiles] Friendship isn’t planned Ray. It just happens~

—

Year 2043

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 9

Susan = Age 10

[A hide and seek game was going on. The children were scrambling to find a place to hide in the house. Susan decided to sneak into Isabella’s room and hide underneath a clothed table. She hears the door open and a couple footsteps.]

Susan: ‘These footsteps…two people?’

Ray: So the next shipping will come next year? That’s quite some time.

Isabella: Yeah.

Susan: ‘Ray and Mama?’

Ray: Who’s turn is it? It’s Chucky, isn’t it?

Isabella: Susan

Ray: ! [A dreadful feeling took over his body the moment she mentions Susan.]

Susan: ‘Me? What about me? What are they talking about?’

Ray: Wait why?!

Isabella: Why so distraught? I’ve been shipping out low quality products, Abbie being the previous one. Susan is the best one in a long while. She’ll be turning 11 soon.

Ray: ‘Shit that’s right. I’ve been so focused on the low scores, I didn’t realize the age limit is 12.‘

Ray: Can’t you wait longer? The human brain will still continue to develop after 12.

Isabella: Ray. That cannot happen. The higher ups demand the best quality products right now and the rules are to ship out anyone before or once they turn 12. They are willing to wait for a year but no longer than that. The harvest must be perfect. So, everyone else will have to wait. Besides, why are you suddenly asking that now? Are you suggesting you’re breaking your end of the deal?

Ray: No. Why would the thought cross my mind?

‘Damn it. It’s too risky!’

Isabella: The shipment will go as scheduled.

[Isabella leaves the room. Susan leaves her hiding spot and confronts Ray who was surprised to find she’s been hiding there the whole time.]

Susan: Ray…what were you and Mama talking about?

Ray: It’s nothing important.

Susan: What happened to Abbie? Olivia, Michelle, Marcus, Robert, Helena…our older siblings…Didn’t they find happy homes?

Ray: You don’t need to know.

Susan: I have a right to know! They’re our friends! Our family! You and Mama were also talking about me right? So it is my busine–

Ray: DON’T COME INTO THE DARKNESS!

Susan: [flinches]!

Ray: Sorry. It’s better if you stay oblivious. But if you really want to know so badly, figure it out on your own. You’re a smart girl Susan. The fact that you’ve been able to stay alive for 10 years. Why don’t you put the puzzle pieces together?

Susan: ‘Alive?’

Susan: Why are you being so difficult right now? What are you saying? I don’t understand! ‘Just when I thought we were getting closer!’

Ray: That’s great.

Susan: Ray.

Ray: …

Susan: You know what? You’re right. I’m not stupid. You were acting really suspicious a few years back. There was that time you scratched your ear and you wouldn’t let me see it. Mind telling me about that?

Ray: …

Susan: [Sighs] ‘He’s not talking…’

Do the others know? Do Emma and Norman know?

Ray: …

Susan: ‘I’m going to have to go with no’

Susan: Alright fine. You don’t have to tell me. But!

…let’s make the most of our time together. Okay?

Ray: …

[Susan leaves the room. Ray stays standing there for a long while.]

Ray: ‘If only I could bring her along too..but’

[He clenches his fist in frustration]

‘It’s too early…I don’t have enough materials to disable the transmitter. Damn it…Damn it!’

—

Year 2044

Emma, Norman, Ray = Age 10

Susan = Age 11

Isabella: Congratulations Susan. You’re going to join a foster family.

Hao: Congratulations!

Susan: Ah. Yeah…

Cedi: What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?

Susan: It’s just Ray and I had a fight and it’s been going on for a year now. I hope we’ll be able to make up before I go.

‘Ray, why are you avoiding me? I’m glad you’re hanging out with Emma and Norman more now but please… come talk to me too….I really miss our talks…’

—

[The next day]

[Susan stares out of the window on her final day at the house. Then, she decided to go see Ray. She finds him in his room, looking out the window like she was and facing away from her.]

Susan: Ray.

[Ray senses her presence and hears her. However, he makes no move from the window.]

Susan: I gave what you said some thought and I think I understand now. What you’ve been doing and why you are doing it. What you’ve been hiding….

…Thank you.

Ray: …Why are you thanking me? I’ve done nothing worthy of thanks.

Susan: You’ve tried to stop the shipment, didn’t you? You say something but you act differently. You’ve given me hints and clues throughout the past year. You were watching me from afar. In truth, you care.

[Ray clenches his teeth as a mix of anger, sadness, and disappointment welled up in his chest.]

Ray: ….Sorry….I couldn’t protect you….

[Susan sees his shoulders slightly shaking as he tries to keep it all in.]

Ray: I couldn’t save you…

…I thought if I could at least let you smile a little longer…

‘I thought if I kept my distance, it wouldn’t hurt this much…’

Sorry…I kept it from you this entire time.

Susan: You don’t need to be sorry…it’s not your fault…really…

[Ray hears a sob from behind him. Susan begins to cry a lot, tears running down her face.]

Susan: I know already but! I’m scared. I’m really scared right now!

[She tackles him with a hug from behind. Ray’s eyes widened and wavered as he felt her hold tighten around him.]

Susan: I don’t want to die!!! I want to live longer! I want to see you grow up and become a fine man!

[Ray feels his eyes begin to water. A teardrop manages to escape. Isabella appears at the door to find them.]

Isabella: Susan. It’s time.

[Susan wipes her tears away and tries to smile. Ray doesn’t see it though, refusing to look at anything but the window.]

Susan: Farewell Ray…happy birthday to me…

[Ray hears Susan and Isabella’s footsteps as they head downstairs, his hands clenched at his sides and his head hanging low.]

‘Sorry.’

Isabella: Everyone, Susan is going to leave now!

[Everyone comes over to say goodbye to Susan.]

Gilda: Bye Susan! I hope you’ll get to wear some pretty clothes on your birthday!

Don: Happy Birthday! May you live happily with your new family!

Emma: Huh? Where’s Ray? Why isn’t he coming down?

Norman: He’s probably sulking.

Susan: Emma. Norman. Please take care of Ray. I’m counting on you two.

Emma & Norman: We will!

Susan: Bye everyone!

[Susan exits with a smile on her face. She walks with Isabella outside towards the gate.]

Isabella: 🎵 🎵 🎵 ~

Susan: [shocked] Mama…that song…

Isabella: [smiles]

—

[The next day]

Emma: Ray! Come play tag with us!

Ray: …I’ll pass.

Emma: Come on! You shouldn’t sulk all the time! I’m sure Susan will send a letter to you some time!

Norman: He’s reverting back to how he used to be.

Emma: I won’t let that happen! We promised Susan we’ll take care of Ray!

Norman: That’s right. Ray is our friend and family. Give him some time though. They were pretty close to each other. It wasn’t that long ago since she left.

Emma: Okay.

[Norman and Emma leave Ray to his devices. Ray sits in his usual spot by the tree. It didn’t feel the same though. There was an empty feeling from where Susan would sit. His thoughts were talking as if Susan was still there.]

Ray: ‘Don’t worry I’ll make sure those two stay alive. They’re important to me.’

‘Susan, wait for me….soon I’ll see you on the other side..’

[argyle-s]

omg ch. 44. 😢 we finally, FINALLY get supercat and then that happens. **** you, fendra, **** you. and **** jeremiah. **** cadmus. **** everything. 😠 i can't believe how emotionally involved i am with this. 😭

I’m glad you’re enjoying it, and I know the twist was kind of a shock to some people, but I really do hope you find how I resolve things satisfying.

just read the ao3 comments on the fendra thing. to make my previous ask clear, i was ranting about & cursing at the characters. none of it was directed at you, personally, nor was it an attack on how you write. i fully trust in your brilliant writing & have complete faith that you won't leave any issues unresolved. to paraphrase kara, 'you have such a big heart.' you are kind, compassionate & so generous to be sharing this amazing series with us. we are lucky & grateful for you. thank you. *hug*

Thank you for the trust, and thank you for the feedback.  I’m glad you’re enjoying the story!

still me. sorry for spamming, i just finished catching up. the suicide stuff, especially dr. foster saying that kara somehow found a reason to climb out of a hole so deep she couldn't see daylight was really, really tough to read, mostly because i've been there before & someone said something similar to me. kara's got a ways to go, but i'm thankful that you've surrounded her with people who love her & who are willing to do whatever it takes to help her. [TBC...]

[CONT...] also: (1) great to have olivia back, though we may have lost jeremiah completely. hopefully not to any of the enemies, but i fear that's a big possibility; (2) i didn't see cat's proposal coming, but i loved the outcome. glad they both realized they deserve better than a fix-it marriage; (3) astra/lena is growing on me. i also like your lena so much more than the tv version; (4) alex & cat's separate breakdowns were equally devastating; (5) can't wait for the rest of this series. 😊

I’ve been there myself.  Being so far down in the pit you think you’ll never see daylight.  I’ve had a lot of reactions from people saying that I did that part of the story justice, and I’m really glad they feel that way.  It was important to me that I deal with what happened honestly, because one of the biggest issues I have with the show is that they refuse to deal with people’s trauma.

Olivia is a politician, but as far as politicians go, she’s a good one.  She wants to do good, but any time you’re a politician, things get awfully gray, awfully fast.

Jeremiah is a complicated issue.

Cat was pretty much always going to propose, and Kara was pretty much always going to say no.  That was there from the moment I decided to actually go through with the child storyline.

I’m glad people are warming up to Astra and Lena.

Yeah, the breakdowns were hard to write.

I’m glad you’re enjoying it.  There will be a chapter a week for the rest of this story, and depending on how quickly I move through writing A Plague of Righteousness, hopefully not too big a gap between them.

[katmstanton]

Fatherhood - Ch. 26

Tags: @madpanda75 @mrsrafaelbarba @obfuscateyummy @sweetsummertime99 @julie-yard @dreila03 @lyssa1385 @esparza-army @surrealdiaries @ctfarhan @msnyc @theoofoof @tiredrainbi

Chapter 26:

As Ms. Fields stood to return back to her seat alongside Ms. Fisher she turned towards Jake offering him a small smile as she walked by. Olivia watched as he gave her a weak smile back before smirking at Rafael while he walked past winking at him.

“Good morning, Mr. Barba.” Carisi started as the two men shared a look between them.

This was new territory for Carisi and even though they had ran through it numerous times and has reenacted the scene more times than he wanted to remember he also knew a lot was on his shoulders as he looked at Rafael.

“Good morning.”

“Mr. Barba, the state gave a vivid description of your initial contact not only with Ms. Fields but also with Jake. Will you explain to the court your version of the initial meeting?”

“First, I would like to state I had no knowledge of Jake until my doorbell rang that evening. At first, I thought Lieutenant Benson was bringing me more work and paperwork to complete in the comforts of my own home.”

Rafael started as he and Olivia shared a small smile while Amanda and Fin both chuckled from around her. Amanda patted her shoulder as Rafael continued with his memory of that first night with Jake.

“To say I was a bit shocked is an understatement. Yes, I may have used language that I am not proud of and yes I may have been a bit vocal during the meeting and initial contact with Ms. Fields. I do have a tendency to be a bit vocal and I believe any member of both the court as well as the NYPD can attest to that.”

As he spoke Olivia chuckled and Fin made a sly comment about Rafael being “a bit vocal” was an understatement and she had to nudge him with her elbow as he made remarks.

“However, I would never intentionally threaten a child or a woman. My mother and abuela raised me to be better than that.”

“Would you say you say you spoke without thinking Mr. Barba?”

“Yes. At that moment there was no filter and there was no thinking. Instead, I allowed my mouth to say whatever came to it whether it was good or bad, or English or Spanish.”

“Mr. Barba, during the initial contact and meeting with Ms. Fields and Jake, did you ever threaten or intimidate either one of them?”

Rafael took a moment before he answered. He knew these next few questions would be the hardest and he knew his actions at that time were not the best but he could not change what had already happened. Olivia watched as he took a deep breath before looking Jake squarely in the eye before he continued.

“Yes.”

“Can you explain how and why, Mr. Barba?”

“After Ms. Fields informed me of the situation and of me being named as Jake’s father in legal paperwork his mother, Ms. Anderson, left when she passed. Ms. Fields then made a comment that if I did not want to keep him in my home he would return back to the group home he came from and, as the conversation continued, she would regularly bring money, finances, and even stated that they would not be able to provide for the required paternity testing for Jake and I.”

As Rafael looked out towards the group Olivia could see the fire in his eyes as he looked at Ms. Fields from across the courtroom. As he spoke she could hear the anger towards the situation and towards Ms. Fields in his voice. Thankfully, no one had picked up on it so she mentally pleaded with him to look at her so she could try to calm him down and not get too frustrated.

“Did anyone tell you how long Jake had been in foster care when she arrived to your home?”

“No. She stated he had been in care for a bit but did not state how long.”

“Mr. Barba, did Ms. Fields provide you with the copies of the legal paperwork from the mother, Ms. Anderson, you spoke about?”

“Yes. She did provide me a copy, which I have provided the court as well.”

“Did she tell you how long she had those documents in her possession?”

“No.”

“So, for all intensive purposes, Jake could have been in care for months or even years at that point and you did not find out about him until the day in question?”

“Yes. That is correct.”

As Carisi questioned Rafael she watched as Langan and Jake continued to jot notes down between the two of them. At the same time, Ms. Fisher also took notes on everything he stated.

“Mr. Barba, you heard earlier testimony by Ms. Fields regarding the services Jake is receiving. Are those an accurate reflection of the services Jake is involved in at this time?”

“No they are not.”

“Can you explain to the court the differences?”

“When Jake was brought to my home there was no counselor or one-on-one aid for him. We were not provided any information on his medical, dental, or mental health needs or services. While it did take longer than we would have like, Ms. Benson and myself were able to get him into not only a one-on-one therapist but also have him assigned an older mentor and a younger mentee who he works with weekly.”

“So you are stating when Jake arrived in your home you were not provided the information needed to provide Jake with adequate medical, dental, or mental health treatment?”

“That is correct.”

“Do you have this information at this time?”

“I do not.”

“Mr. Barba, if you do not have this information from the state how have you been able to provide for Jake’s care?”

“Thankfully, my fiance, Ms. Benson, was able to speak with the providers she uses for her own son in order to have them accept Jake as a client on the basis we pay out of pocket until the information can be provided.”

“That can get very expensive, Mr. Barba.”

“Money is no question when it comes to the care of Jake. That is one of the reasons I became very upset with Ms. Fields initially, she would always bring up the financials of Jake being in care. He is not a piece of luggage or clothing you can buy..”

Rafael became quiet for a moment and Carisi looked at him as he waited for the older man to continue his thoughts as he could see there was more he wanted to say.

As she watched Rafael from her seat she could see he was taking a few breaths trying to calm himself and trying to reign in the emotions he had been holding back for weeks and months since Jake arrived.

“He is a human, a child, a person who deserves more than anything to be taken care of without someone looking at him like he is a dollar in their pocket.”

As Rafael spoke she could see the Judge’s face show a slight smile and watched as his eyes crossed the room towards Ms. Fields and Ms. Fisher before going back to Rafael.

“Mr. Barba, what is your hope and expectation of the court today?”

“I want to take custody of my son, Jacob Scott Anderson, and be the father he should have had since the day he was born.”

“Thank you. No further questions at this time, your honor. However, I would like the opportunity to redirect if needed.”

“Granted.” The Judge stated as Langan stood to speak.

“Your honor, I have a few questions for Mr. Barba.” Ms. Fisher spoke up and the Judge nodded as she moved towards Rafael.

[cntcrtainmcnt-blog]

(&wanted connections)

*this will be updated often, as I try to always have at least 2 open connections for each of my characters.

**three asterisks beside a connection means i’m open to having multiple people filling it

Current Disponible Connections: 156

Spreadsheet of currently taken connections

ALESSANDRA “SANDY” CARAVALHO

23, actress, panromantic asexual, Camila Mendes fc.

costars: could be from the past, present or future, and how they get along can be discussed ***

ex: preferably not on good terms, but can be discussed

people trying to sleep with her, but she doesn’t want to ***

ALYSSA MULLINS

24, stripper, pansexual, Carlson Young fc.

childhood acquaintance: maybe someone that lived in the same town, or they met through her dad being mayor of the town

coworkers ***

flirts ***

potentially serious relationship: I’m open to having this happen at one point

AMBER JACKSON

27, vigilante barista, pansexual, Emily Borwning fc.

coworkers ***

vigilante friend: her friends don’t know about this side of her, but I’d love if there was someone who knew, kind of a partner?

ANDREI PETRAN

31, cop, heteroflexible, Sebastian Stan fc.

coworkers ***

drinking buddy(ies) ***

know through work ***

someone trying to help him kick his alcoholism

wife or ex-wife

ANGELICA CAIN

30, criminal company owner, bisexual, Crystal Reed fc.

allies: people she helps, or helping her ***

enemies ***

relationship: not saying anything precise, but i’m imagining she’s seeing someone, but she’s scared if she gets too close, they might get hurt, that kind of deal

subordinates: she is the leader of a crime ring, so I suppose she has a few people she bosses around ***

ANNA TAYLOR

32, high school teacher, bisexual, Emilia Clarke fc.

childhood/school friends: she grew up in Kola, but then moved to NYC, so any friends she met while still in Kola ***

coworkers ***

NYC friends/acquaintances: people she met while in NYC ***

ANTHONY POWELL

44, criminal, heteroflexible, Skeet Ulrich fc.

neighbor: he lives in a small house, but I just think it’d be interesting if he had a prying neighbor, that might get too close to his business?

people in the Russian mafia with him ***

BEATRIZ OLIVEIRA

36, tattoo artist, bisexual, Morena Baccarin fc.

customers ***

gang members: she’s not part of the gang, exactly, but she does pretty much all of their tattoos now ***

BEVERLY JORDAN

24, cashier, pansexual, Vanessa Morgan fc.

boss

coworkes: she’s a cashier in a clothing shop ***

regulars: people who come to the shop often ***

BIANCA RUTHERFORD

25, hacker, homosexual, Caitlin Stasey fc.

customers: she really does any kind of hacking job, so whatever you need, she might be your girl ***

non-serious flirts: probably just girls she flirts with for fun *** 

serious flirt: she doesn’t like commitment but maybe there’s one girl she could be serious with?

targets: she loves to seduce men and later on destroy their reputation, so bring me all the men you want destroyed ***

BRADLEY HINES

30, assassin/spy to hire elementary school teacher, bisexual, Zane Holtz fc.

covers: I’m thinking people he pays to make his cover as an elementary school believable ***

employer: the one that hired him for that job

CAROLINA TANNER

23, literature/cinematography double major, pansexual, Freya Mavor fc.

classmates ***

crush ***

friends of her deceased twin ***

party buddies ***

semi serious crush: she’s still a fightened virgin, but she feels it might be seirous enough with that person for her to give it up? but she’s very scared

CATHERINE WOLFE

30, event planner, bisexual, Leighton Meester fc.

best friend

customers ***

ex see wc on the main

younger sister see wc on the main

CECELIA ROSE

26, writer, pansexual, Shailene Woodley fc.

crush/flirt

ex mentor see wc on the main

fans ***

high school friends ***

writer buddies ***

CHARLES MYERS

29, police officer, bisexual, Matthew Daddario fc.

ex: maybe from high school, or college, or whatever

geek buddies: he doesn’t show it often anymore but bring me a bunch of geek friends and they just talk movies and series and comics together ***

CLARITA “CLARA” ESTEVEZ

34, criminal investigator, bisexual, Melissa Fumero fc.

best friend: maybe recent? maybe since they were kids?

coworker/flirt/crush: like... Peraltiago kind of thing

roommate: she’s very clean and organized, I just want someone that... isn’t

CLINT FRAZIER

37, zoologist, bisexual, Chris Pratt fc.

coworkers: anyone who might work at the zoo with him, or other zoologists ***

friends: most likely ex friends since he’s dissociated himself from most human relationships ***

siblings *** see wc on the main

CORA STEVENSON

27, unemployed, pansexual, Summer Bishil fc.

best frienemy: bring the Nicole Richie to her Paris Hilton

ex ***

flirt ***

frenemy ***

party buddy(ies) ***

CORDELIA PARKINSON

26, hairdresser, bisexual, Sarah Hyland fc.

co workers ***

crush

customers ***

step brother see wc on the main

DARLENE HART

26, nurse, heterosexual, Aimee Teegarden fc.

brother see wc on the main

coworkers ***

ex see wc on the main

friend: someone she would’ve met after arriving in Kola and it’s probably her closet friend here

DARREN BATES

23, model, homosexual, Ryan McCartan fc.

friends: he’s very sociable despite being sometimes “boring”, I imagine he has a bunch of friends ***

model buddies ***

on/off boyfriend see wc on the main

EBONY NASSRY

23, camgirl, pansexual, Jade Thirlwall fc.

flirt

rival: bring me another camgirl/boy? and they’re fighting for the number one spot

roommate

watchers ***

EDWARD “EDDIE” HALE

23, confectionery co-owner, bisexual, Luke Benward fc.

tba

ELENA RICHMOND

21, unemployed, pansexual, Alycia Debnam-Carey fc.

close friend

past foster siblings: she was in and out of families because she was a brat, so I imagine she had a good amount of foster siblings ***

someone she could possibly develop feelings for

someone training her so she could prove herself and join the mafia like her brother

EMELY LINDNER

31, model, pansexual, Alexandra Daddario fc.

close friend

crush

dance buddy: someone she would occasionally do ballet with

half sister see wc on the main

model friends ***

EMMA VELAZQUEZ

26, sports shop owner, bisexual, Lindsey Morgan fc.

ex teammates: she played at a high level in soccer, so people she played with or against ***

flirt: she rarely opens up, but someone that tries to get to her heart please and thanks

regulars at her shop ***

ETHAN DUNN

25, underground boxer unemployed, bisexual, Gregg Sulkin fc.

bar fights: I just imagine he gets into bar fights often ***

drinking buddies ***

EVAN RENDALL

32, motel owner, bisexual, Harry Lloyd fc.

customers ***

ex: I dunno, I just... I kinda want that? Probably happened and ended before his father’s murder so now he’s much different

high school classmates: he never really had friends, but acquaintances for sure ***

people who do their “business” at his motel ***

possible victims ***

FELICIA PORTER

26, journalist, pansexual, Elizabeth Olsen fc.

best friend

coworkers ***

FINLAY AINSWORTH

28, waiter, pansexual, Jack Falahee fc.

coworkers ***

ex: probably someone he was with just before going to rehab

regular customer(s) ***

FLORENCE KNEEN

22, film director, bisexual, Madelaine Petsch fc.

anyone in the film industry that could’ve worked with her: producers, editors, actors, music, etc. ***

bad influence

crush ***

flirtationship: not quite a friendship, not quite a crush?

friend ***

movie buddies ***

GAIL ERICKSON

35, artist, bisexual, Katie McGrath fc.

clients: either for her legal or illegal work ***

employees: probably people she hires to help at her gallery ***

flings ***

flirt: could be serious or not, but she’s been single for a long time

GENESIS FERRER

37, company owner, bisexual, Zoe Saldana fc.

business partners: people who employ her ocmpany to protect their business, house, whatever ***

employees: security guards working for her firm ***

flirt

GENEVIEVE “G” BAKER

25, receptionist, pansexual, Kaya Scodelario fc.

coworkers: I’m thinking she works as a receptionist for a company, so anyone who works there? ***

crush/flirt: something that could be serious? also someone that’s very kind and caring, unlike her ex

roommate: she arrived not long ago and really needed a place to stay, and your muse had an open room or something

GREYSON KALUA

37, landscape architect, bisexual, Jason Momoa fc.

customers ***

friends: from school, through work, any way they could’Ve met, bring them all ***

JANET MONTROSE

38, secretary/thief, pansexual, Evangeline Lilly fc.

high school friends: could be interesting since she doesn’t go by her real name anymore ***

past teammates: so before going solo, she had a small group and they worked together to scam people, so those teammates ***

previous victims: people she scammed and stole from, ya know? ***

target: the one she’ll try to scam next

JANICE WINTHROPE

27, lawyer, pansexual, Brie Larson fc.

crush: she doesn’t believe in love so I want this to build slowly

employees: she’s opening a new branch for her parents’ law firm ***

ex see wc on the main

JASMINE WRIGHT

31, philanthropist, heterosexual, Blake Lively fc.

best friend: mayb a friend she met while she was still a model, or maybe not, I don’t mind

fans: I imagine there was a bunch of people fans of her work as a model, and her few roles ***

husband see wc on the main

JEFFREY BOWEN

28, unemployed, pansexual, Finn Wittrock fc.

cousin: someone who was next in line to get the company, and so took the lead position while he was gone/still acts as leader for now

employees: he hasn’t announced publicly he is back in the company, but he does still work in the shadows until it’s announced. So either people who know he’s back because they hold higher position in the company, or people who don’t know and think he just quit or got fired. ***

JESSICA LAYTON

33, socialite, bisexual, Olivia Wilde fc.

best friend: I want it to be someone she met prior to marrying rich, so when she was still poor and struggling

husband see wc on the main

socialite friends ***

JIAN CHANG

24, businessman, bisexual, Charles Melton fc.

tba

KAVIA DESAI

23, singer, homosexual, Naomi Scott fc.

tba

KIERAN DOYLE

33, forensic pathologist/irish mafia, demiromantic bisexual, Aidan Turner fc.

tba

LAURENCE JUNEAU

35, fashion designer, bisexual, Bryce Dallas Howard fc.

celebrities she might’ve been asked to design something for ***

crush: someone who flirts a lot and isn’t one for commitment, but she’s just under their charm

ex: I’m thinking maybe there could be some lingering feelings from her side still

regulars: people who often buy from her brand ***

LEA COLE

23, on-set assistant, pansexual, Billie Lourd fc.

coworkers: anyone who might work on set of movies, shows, shootings ***

crush see wc on the main

friends: she’s not really good at expressing her feelings, but definitely people she’s connected with enough to call them friends ***

LENA DAVIES

36, floor manager, bisexual, Olivia Munn fc.

employees: people working at her restaurant ***

regulars: people who often come to the restaurant ***

LEO BURGESS

32, bar/club owner, heterosexual, Chris Pine fc.

tba

LIONEL RUBIO

38, CEO, bisexual, Oscar Isaac fc.

building relationship see wc on the main

employees: maybe in his company, or at his house(like housekeepers, butlers, all that) ***

rival: I haven’t specified what kind of company, but a rival company, ya know? I’m really down for mostly any kind of company so yeah

MITCHELL WOODS

23, cook, bisexual, Josh Hutcherson fc.

friends ***

NADIA BARTON

27, history professor/adventurer, bisexual, Alicia Vikander fc.

tba

NATALIE CALLOWAY

33, detective, heteroflexible, Jenna Louise Coleman fc.

ally(ies): I’m thinking people who are working with her husband, and that she secretly works with to protect him. ***

coworkers ***

NATASHA GRIMES

21, languages student, bisexual, Danielle Campbell fc.

best friend she tells everything to

classmates ***

someone who has a crush on her: the Sid Jenkins to her Michelle Richardson

the Tony Stonem to her Michelle Richardson

NOAH SALVADOR

30, unemployed, bisexual, Bob Morley fc.

tba

PHOEBE NEWTON

22, med student, bisexual, Abigail Breslin fc.

tba

PRESTON WAGNER

21, kinesiology student, bisexual, Cody Christian fc.

close friend: only person he talks to about how he feels

friend of his ex: maybe her best friend or something, and when he sees that person, he thinks of her

teammates: other lacrosse players on the college team ***

RAPHAELLE DELONG

23, personal assistant, bisexual, Zoey Deutch fc.

tba

RICHARD WADE

36, plastic surgeon, pansexual, Ryan Reynolds fc.

tba

ROBERT JEFFERSON

36, politician, bisexual, Tom Hiddleston fc.

tba

SAMUEL PETERS

24, theater director, homosexual, Casey Cott fc.

anyone in the theater industry that could’ve worked with him: actors, playwright, tecnicians, etc. ***

crush

ex: this would’ve been his first and only boyfriend, so fairly recent

maybe a girl he dated in high school to make it look like he was straight? can be plotted more

SERAPHINA BRISBANE

22, journalism major/criminology minor, heterosexual, Willa Fitzgerald fc.

tba

STYLES MCKINLEY

28, oncology resident, bisexual, Beau Mirchoff fc.

tba

TAMI SULLIVAN

20, student, bisexual, Shannon Purser fc.

tba

TAYLOR LOWNDES

24, cook, demiromantic pansexual, Tom Maden fc.

coworkers: he’s a cook in a restaurant, so anyone who can fit that bill ***

girlfriend/boyfriend: probably faked on his part, why can be plotted with you

TERRENCE HALE

29, confectionery co-owner, bisexual, Glen Powell fc.

tba

THEODORE KENYON

29, bouncer, bisexual, Aaron Taylor-Johnson fc.

tba

TIERRA CHADWIN

30, pharmacist, bisexual, Rose Leslie fc.

tba

TIMOTHY WATTS

25, mechanics, bisexual, Landon Liboiron fc.

acquaintances: people he might have met through his ex friends, so not so recommended people ***

close friend: quite possibly the only one who knows he’s not like his old friend and believes in him

regulars ***

TRACEY “TRACE” MACK

22, security guard, homosexual, Bex Taylor-Klaus fc.

tba

TYLER OAKS

27, hitman, bisexual, Nicholas Hoult fc.

tba

VALDA BLAKE

24, barmaid, bisexual, Chloe Bridges fc.

best friend: I can see her having ONE best friend she tells everything, how she feels and all

flirts: she flirts a lot, and whether it goes further or not can be discussed ***

rival(s): people who were in pageants, maybe models she resents because she should be one, anything ***

WILLA ZHAO

34, FBI, bisexual, Kristin Kreuk fc.

tba

[phfanfic-diekoenigin]

Hi, you wrote Lina wore CH to Genie’s wedding but I’m thinking about her hat game. Does she have one, trusty milliner and hat style, just like Queen Elizabeth or is she trying new styles and milliners like other members of BRF or she’s just like Crown Princess Victoria and wears headpieces/headbands more often?

Hi! Thank you so much for this question!

Accessories are so hard to source on the net. Vogue.com/co.uk is so useful with all their runway shows, I know exactly which clothes exist when for Lina to be able to wear them, but with hats and shoes, collections are rarely pooled together and only stay up for a short amount of time! Very frustrating.

Currently, Lina doesn’t have a personal dress maker or milliner. She has a “dress maker” but really the role is being an outfit coordinator and tailor. Fun fact! Sophie, Countess of Wessex has been wearing Jane Taylor hats exclusively since 2009!

Saying that, I’ve been able to a come up with signature style for Lina. It’s not 100% of the time like Elizabeth II (or Beatrix of the Netherlands), but it is her go to for most events: medium to wide brim with a shallow or higher crown and some stuff (or not!) on top, normally colour matched to her outfit, but sometimes in a corresponding colour.

I’m gonna include a bunch of pictures of what I’m talking about.

By Gina Foster

(who stopped making hats in 2016 - Lina, Kate and Pippa will mourn their loss together)

By Jane Taylor

By Juliette Botterill

By Rachel Trevor-Morgan

By Sarah Cant

(for when Lina feels like experimenting while keeping the same general shape - and apologies for the sucky images)

By Vivien Sheriff

She’ll wear other styles by the above people, too, in addition to Awon Golding, Camilla Rose, Cara Meehan, Lisa Tan, Olivia Roat, Philip Treacy, Rachel Black, The Season and William Chambers.

Just remember, almost every part of every hat above can be/was made in any colour required. The style and stuck on bits are the most important thing to keep an eye on.

Lina will wear other styles depending on the event or her outfit or her whim, but the above is the type of hat she’ll usually wear. She supports Kate’s love of brimless hats, but Lina likes more hat with her hats.

AND THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST INDULGENT POST OF ALL TIME.

If you’re reading this, thanks for sticking with me!

Also, let me know what you think. I have zero hat game myself. I own exactly one hat.

[rolandfontana]

When a Parent Goes to Prison

Filmmaker Denali Tiller had another project in mind when she began following a woman who had been incarcerated for 17 years and had developed a program aimed at addressing the trauma experienced by children whose parents were in prison.

Then she met the woman’s two  children—and, as she put it, the film “really shifted” into exploring the issue from the perspectives of other young people in similar circumstances. The result was Tre Maison Dasan, which follows the journey of three eponymous young boys in Rhode Island over a period of three and half years as they navigate growing up with the reality of having a formerly or currently incarcerated parent.

The documentary will be available on local PBS stations or via online streaming, on April 1, and it will be featured as part of a larger two-week initiative with departments of corrections across the U.S. called National Visiting Days, where incarcerated parents will be able to watch the documentary concomitantly with their families and loved ones on the outside.

Tiller, named one of 110 “filmmakers to watch” by Variety in 2015, discussed her film in a conversation with The Crime Report’s Julia Pagnamenta.

The Crime Report: Your documentary ends with a statistic: One in 14 children in the United States have a parent in prison. Are the experiences of the three boys in the documentary, Tre, Dasan and Maison, part of a larger conversation we should be having about the criminal justice system?

Denali Tiller: Absolutely. [The issue] disproportionately affects black and brown communities. One in nine black children have a parent in prison, one in 28 Latino kids, and one in 56 white children. That’s a tremendous statistic. Yet the collateral effect has not been at the forefront, if at all, in many of the conversations around criminal justice, even though it is very much in the zeitgeist of the past few years.

It really is a part of a larger conversation, and that’s another reason why there are three kids [in the film].  There isn’t a stereotypical child that might have a parent in prison, so they are representative of three very different experiences, and support systems. All of that was important to make the film really speak to a much larger population of kids, and really allow a window into what that experience is like.

TCR: How did the children initially respond to the idea that you were going to capture their daily lives?

Tiller: I followed them for three and half years. I don’t have personal experience with the incarceration of a family member, so it was a learning experience. I wasn’t coming in with any preconceived notions and I wanted them to really teach me what their lives were like. What I realized pretty quickly is that this is just something that they live with every day. It doesn’t affect them every day in some dramatic way, but there are some important moments that are challenging.

Denali Tiller

In the filmmaking process itself, they were really collaborators. They are credited. They also own ten percent of the film, and are LLC, and they really engaged in that in different ways. So that was important for me, I wanted them to feel as much a part and owner of that process as I was as a filmmaker. It wasn’t my film; it was their film.

Dasan and his cousin, Olivia, were at the playing age. Dasan [was] six, and Olivia was eight when we started. So they loved playing with the equipment. They would listen to the audio on the wireless microphones, the headphones. Even when Dasan’s mom is telling them that she wasn’t at school, [but] in prison, Olivia actually went on and put on the headphones to listen to her aunt’s voice. That really struck me because we’re here, I am not going to deny that it doesn’t affect the situation, and this is how she wants to experience this moment with her aunt.

That doesn’t necessarily come across in the film itself, but it was important for us and for them because we never tried not to be there, or be a fly on the wall. It was really up to the kids to tell us if they didn’t want something to be filmed, or if they did want something to be filmed, or if they wanted to engage with us in some way.

TCR: There’s a funny moment when Maison calls his father to update him on the Valentine’s Day gift he gave to a girl he liked at school, and the father is so relieved that it went well. He tells Maison he had stressed out about it all day. The documentary is full of these moments of warm interaction between fathers and their sons despite their separation.

Tiller:  Those moments were so key to me, in that it totally normalizes the experience. They can just have a normal relationship with their parents if they are allowed the access, which of course depends on the facility’s willingness to allow that to happen, and then also on the structure and support that they may have at home.

TCR: Each kid reacts differently to his parent’s incarceration. Tre, the oldest of the three, has a lot of anger about his father being in prison and acts out as a result, and then his mother dies. What kind of social services and support can he rely on?

Tiller: Tre is in foster care now. The film really shows how important support systems are, and it is something that people are kind of aware of, and maybe know unconsciously, [but] it really comes down to who is at home, and what your environment is like, and you really see the difference between Maison’s support [he lives with his grandmother] and Tre’s support. Even Dasan’s support, when his mom comes home and what Tre is missing. Tre can be emotional and vulnerable with his dad in a way that he can’t be with anybody else, and you just see him breaking down a couple of times with his father.

TCR: Yes, it seemed like Tre’s dad was his most important bond, so even though his father was incarcerated they shared a close relationship.

Tiller: It’s complicated for Tre because his father is his deepest, closest bond, but at the same time he has anger at his dad for being incarcerated almost his whole life. It wasn’t like his father was incarcerated that whole time. He would get out, and do something, and go back. You don’t trust this person anymore. You’ve been betrayed so many times. That’s a very complicated emotional processing to go through as well, because you are going, ‘’I love this person, and I feel safe with this person, but at the same time, I am still mad at this person. They’ve let me down and hurt me so many times. I need to protect myself from that.”

Tre is 17 now, he’s starting to mature a little bit.  Teenagers need a safe environment to make mistakes, to do the wrong thing, and get reprimanded for it, or be able to talk through it. So when you don’t have a safe environment that’s protecting you from that life-learning process, a lot of kids end up in the juvenile justice system, especially in poor neighborhoods. And in majority black and brown neighborhoods, there is over policing and all those things that come with it.

His father is black and in prison, and his mother is white and an opioid addict. So how do you figure out who you are, and what your identity is, when you are the product of these two people? [Trying] to figure out your own path, that’s extremely hard for a young person.

We can feel for Tre, and we want to hug him, and support him, but at a certain point, children turn into adults, and then that empathy stops. Then it’s, Get your life together! Be responsible for yourself! But when a person has never learned how to do that, and has no experience or role model, how can you expect them to do that? That’s something I started seeing with Tre, the push and pull of the people who were in his life. Yeah, poor kid, he doesn’t stand a chance, but also like, come on take responsibility for yourself, make the right decisions. Tre has to carry both of those things. It’s really hard.

TCR: There is a recurring scene where the children ask their parents what they did to get incarcerated. Maison’s amazing awareness really manifests when he speaks to his father about the violent crime he was involved in. Manny [the father] doesn’t want Maison to think he is innocent, but Maison is not mad because he seems to know that his father is already mad at himself. He wants his father to forgive himself. I was wondering if you could speak of that scene.

Tiller: In almost every film you see about people in prison, there is some voice-over that tells you what they did to be there. And for me the film was just about parents and their kids, and you don’t even find out what Tre’s dad is in for, because I only wanted people to find out what someone was incarcerated for if it was coming from the child, and the child was asking about it.

So that whole conversation started because Maison had said, “Let’s do an interview!” So we sat down with them and that conversation started during that process. Maison had known what his father did, and what his father was in for, but it was really hard for him to separate his love for his father from the crime he was involved in. The crime itself is pretty complicated. It was a bar fight, someone ended up losing their life, and there were a lot of people involved. Maison has had to understand his dad in two ways: both as someone who was involved in the death of a person and also as his dad, someone he loves very deeply. For a lot of kids that becomes a conflict within themselves and a source of a lot of stigma.

What they are in prison for should not reflect on their ability to parent.

None of the parents [in the film] are in for non-violent crimes, or for something that might be considered under the War on Drugs, [issues] where people might be on the fence about whether they should be incarcerated or not, and that was important because at the end of the day there are so many kids that have parents in prison, but no matter what they are in prison for, or what they did, [that] should not reflect on their ability to parent, and [their] importance in their child’s life.

So what’s unique about this program in Rhode Island [where the scenes between fathers and sons are filmed] is the access that kids have to their parents, and how child friendly the visiting rooms are, and how much one-on-one interaction they have.  They don’t have another guardian in the room with them so they just get time with their parents.

TCR: What level of security was the facility?

Tiller: This was a medium security facility [John J. Moran Medium Security Prison], but in Rhode Island they have visiting programs in all the facilities except max, but they are working on implementing it in the maximum security as well.

TCR: It was surprising that you were granted so much access filming in there.

Tiller: It was relatively easy at first, and then really the difficult part was convincing them that I wanted to keep filming for three years, but they are really focused and prioritize kids and families. As a department [visiting program] they are really proud of the services they provide for both the kids and parents. There wasn’t a risk necessarily that I was going to expose something about the prison that might implicate them in some way. And I truly think that in visiting other facilities and talking to other facilities around the country that this is a unique program, very specifically designed to have parents be parents despite their incarceration and [it] really provides [them with] a space to do so.

TCR: When Maison interviews his father, the conversation turns to the length of his sentence. Maison tells him he should not have to serve more than two years. Although Maison isn’t basing his reasoning on any particular research, there is a growing consensus that longer sentences are not necessarily more effective. His father rationalizes that his stay is a kind of penance, as a way to provide relief for the family of the victim.

Tiller: This might have changed in the last few years, but there isn’t a lot of understanding of the larger implications of the criminal justice system, and how it’s messed up. A lot of people who are in prison, and of course [my] sample size is not huge, but there is this difficult thing of like, yes, I wasn’t supposed to be doing the things that I did, and I am serving time because of that, but at the same time I am not getting what I need in here, and it doesn’t seem like this is really helping anybody at the end of the day.

Screening at San Quentin

It’s interesting because we showed the film at San Quentin State Prison [in California], and they have this amazing review of the film in the San Quentin newspaper. I was talking to some of the guys there because they have this really amazing restorative rehabilitative program. Their media center is amazing. They produce their own newspaper.

TCR: They have a great podcast Ear hustle.

Tiller: Yeah, Their camera and editing equipment is better than mine, and it was kind of this amazing space because it’s not just vocational skills, or making license plates all day, you are actually learning something that is useful, and can help you when you get back. At the same time, I was talking to some of the guys there who are serving life sentences because of the Three Strikes Rule from the 1990s, for selling weed, which is now legalized. So they are like, yeah it’s cool to get to work on a newspaper, but I shouldn’t be here.

On the other hand, I talked to some other guys who [said] I am grateful that I have this opportunity here, but why did I have to come to prison to have access to a film class? That’s not fair. So I think it really comes down to the deeper and larger questions about criminal justice. What justice looks like. Really critiquing an American way of serving justice through punishment without looking at the deeper, structural issues of racism and violence that comes with the class disparities, wealth disparities in our country, and the absence of resources.

TCR: Dasan’s case shows that even after Stephanie, his mother, is released, the family’s need for social services and support continues. Can you talk a little about the challenges of post-incarceration?

Tiller: That could be a whole film in of itself. There are a lot of complications that come with being a parent in prison. Child support is a huge issue because [it] doesn’t end when you get incarcerated, so you can get out of prison with hundreds of thousands of dollars potentially in child support that you weren’t able to pay. It just keeps on accumulating. Plus, you can be served in prison and lose your kids because you aren’t paying child support.

There are a lot of family issues that can arise when a person is released, and so that’s why social services around parenting  are really important. Things like family counseling can help bring families back together. But really it just speaks to how important it is for people to have access to their families during incarceration. It certainly helps to have those bonds, and to have taken classes that give you perspective, and how to be a parent who is there for your kids, emotionally and physically, and not just financially. Especially for dads, the only thing some people consider is, are you paying your child support? And not, are you there emotionally for your kids?

Quite honestly I don’t know what the[re-entry] landscape looks like around parenting, but we’ve been doing screenings with re-entry groups, which has been really powerful. We had one screening with the Doe Fund. The men just open up and are emotional, and crying, and so it opens up the space for emotion that’s really supportive. One gentleman came up afterwards and showed me a Facebook message that he had sent to his son during the screening and he said, this film allowed me to reconnect. Seeing yourself maybe in the dads, but also seeing yourself in the kids, and being able to reflect on your own experiences and be empowered to speak about them is really important.

TCR: There aren’t too many scenes of the boys interacting with peers. A notable exception is when Dasan goes camping with his mother and a Boy Scout group and has a hard time socializing with the other children. You mentioned the stigma of having an incarcerated parent. Did you see them interact with theirs peers and witness this stigma firsthand?

Tiller: I didn’t personally see anyone saying negative things, but I experienced it a lot second-hand through them. So like with that camping trip, Dasan’s mom [Natalie] didn’t want to tell the other families she had been formerly incarcerated, because of course there is always an issue of people judging you, or being afraid of you, or asking inappropriate questions. So we had told the Boy Scout troop that we were making a film about families and boys growing up, but weren’t really specific that it was about kids whose parents were in prison.

And now actually Stephanie is teaching fourth and fifth grade. She is in AmeriCorps for non-violent peers, and she’s seen a lot of stigma within her classroom, from other teachers and people in the school against children who are maybe acting out in class, and who may have parents in prison. She is developing her own curriculum, particularly with teachers and social workers in the school to help them understand how to be supportive of children who have parents in prison, and to de-stigmatize that experience, so that they are just more aware of behavioral issues that might be happening in the classroom.

Fear of the Stigma

It’s really deep-seated, and most of the children I’ve spoken to who have parents in prison, they just don’t talk about it because they are afraid of that stigma, and then there is all the stuff that comes up unintentionally in our language, and how we speak about people in prison. There is a story of one of the social workers at the Department of Corrections [who] told me that her daughter was on a school bus on a field trip, and they were driving past the prison, and someone asked what the building was, and the teacher answered, Oh that’s where bad people go. Her daughter came home and told her the story, and she actually called the teacher and told her you can’t use this language. What if there was a child on the school bus who has a parent there? [Are] they thinking their parent is a bad person?

If you are hearing that over and over, it’s reinforced [and] that makes you question yourself, and your relationship with your parent. So even things like not referring to people as inmates, or felons, or prisoners, but incarcerated parent, or just mom and dad. That’s something we’ve been building into our outreach to schools and educators.

TCR: Language is important. Even if you aren’t trying to be malicious, unintentionally reducing complex phenomena into careless words has repercussions.

The other thing that’s come up is on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, especially for younger kids, you are making cards for your mom or your dad, and there is all kind of support if your parent has died, or if your parent is in the military, or is away, but if your parent is in prison that’s not something that a lot of teachers know how to navigate and deal with, and [it] is not something that the child might be comfortable sharing.

The San Francisco Children of Incarcerated Parents developed a Bill of Rights, of eight rights that children with incarcerated parents have, which includes the right to see and touch and talk to parents, the right to be safe and supported at home, the right to an education and all these things. That’s also something we are handing out with our discussion guides in classrooms. Teachers have been educated on how to respond and speak to kids who have a parent in prison, and sometimes it’s hard because you don’t want to identify that you have parents in prison because of those stigmas.

TCR: Did you show the documentary at other prisons besides San Quentin?

Tiller: A couple of prisons in Europe. For the broadcast on April 1st, we are launching what we are calling National Visiting Days, and that’s the 1st through the 14th [of April], when the film will be streaming on pbs.org.

What we are doing with National Visiting Days is that we are putting the film out to organizations and prisons, so that people in prison can watch the film at the same time that their family members are watching on the outside. It creates a visiting experience; a shared experience of watching the film together even while you are separated. We are working with a few correction departments [and] 12 different states on these partner screenings.

A trailer for the documentary can be downloaded here.

Julia Pagnamenta is a contributing writer for The Crime Report. Comments are welcome.

When a Parent Goes to Prison syndicated from https://immigrationattorneyto.wordpress.com/

[recordcollection-blog1]

Extra info:

* Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington - 2 albums

* Frank Sinatra - 3 albums

* Rufus &Chaka Khan - 3 albums

* Kokomo - 3 albums

* John Miles - 2 albums

* Television - 2 albums

* The Stranglers - 4 albums

* Ultravox - 4 albums

* XTC - 5 albums

* Lene Lovich - 3 albums

* Foster Pilkington - 2 albums

Single records (45 rpm):

 Single records (45 rpm): https://www.discogs.com/forum/thread/208082 * solid centre, small hole * knock-out centre, push-out centre * dinked centre, (wide spindle) big hole * hand-dinked * Dizzy Gillespie ‎- The Champ Vogue Records, EPV 1094, (VEP 169), knock-out centre (1956) * https://www.discogs.com/Dizzy-Gillespie-The-Champ/release/2642254 * * Cockney Rebel ‎- Mr. Soft EMI, EMI 2191, knock-out centre (1974) * https://www.discogs.com/Cockney-Rebel-Mr-Soft/release/473605 * * Steve Harley And Cockney Rebel - Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) EMI, EMI 2263, knock-out (1975) * https://www.discogs.com/Steve-Harley-And-Cockney-Rebel-Make-Me-Smile-Come-Up-And-See-Me/release/491370 * * Boz Scaggs ‎- Lido Shuffle CBS, S CBS 5136, solid centre (1976) * https://www.discogs.com/Boz-Scaggs-Lido-Shuffle/release/1443086 * * Barbara Dickson - Another suitcase in another hall MCA Records, MCA 266, knock-out centre (1976) * https://www.discogs.com/Barbara-Dickson-Another-Suitcase-In-Another-Hall/release/6881791 * * Bryan Ferry - Let's Stick Together Island Records, WIP 6307, WIPX 1558, Stiff Records ‎– BUY 38, knock-out centre (1976) * https://www.discogs.com/Bryan-Ferry-Lets-Stick-Together/release/9724370 * * Fleetwood Mac ‎- Dreams Warner Bros. Records, K 16969, WBS 8371, solid centre (1977) * https://www.discogs.com/Fleetwood-Mac-Dreams/release/4471075 * * Elkie Brooks ‎- Pearl's A Singer A&M Records, AMS 7275, dinked centre (1977) * https://www.discogs.com/Elkie-Brooks-Pearls-A-Singer/release/10252407 * * XTC - This Is Pop? Virgin Records, VS 209, solid centre (1978) * https://www.discogs.com/XTC-This-Is-Pop/release/10294199 * * Ian Dury and The Blockheads - Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick Stiff Records, BUY 38, knock-out centre (1978) * https://www.discogs.com/Ian-Dury-And-The-Blockheads-Hit-Me-With-Your-Rhythm-Stick/release/215230 * * X-Ray Spex - The Day The World Turned Day-glo EMI International, INT 553, orange, solid centre (1978) * https://www.discogs.com/X-Ray-Spex-The-Day-The-World-Turned-Day-glo/release * * Deadringer - A: Breakout, B: Latin Hoochie Coo Stortbeat Records, BEAT 6, solid centre (1979) * http://www.45cat.com/record/beat6uk * * Lori & The Chameleons - Touch Sire, SIR 4025, Korova logo edition, solid centre (1979) * https://www.discogs.com/Lori-The-Chameleons-Touch/release/6691685 * * Diana Ross - Upside Down Motown, TMG 1195, STMA 8033, company sleeve, knock-out centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/Diana-Ross-Upside-Down/release/2896987 * * Ian Dury and The Blockheads - I want to be straight Stiff Records, BUY 90, solid centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/Ian-Dury-And-The-Blockheads-I-Want-To-Be-Straight/release/7715259 * * David Bowie - Ashes To Ashes RCA, BOW 6, (PB 9575), knock-out centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/David-Bowie-Ashes-To-Ashes/release/6231603 * * David Bowie - Fashion RCA, BOW 7, (PB 9622), dinked centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/David-Bowie-Fashion/release/4356971 * * Echo And The Bunnymen - Rescue Korova, KOW 1, (K 18220), solid centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/Echo-And-The-Bunnymen-Rescue/release/485647 * * Leo Sayer - Where did we go wrong Chrysalis, CHS 2469, solid centre (1980) * https://www.discogs.com/Leo-Sayer-Where-Did-We-Go-Wrong/release/2258067 * * Odyssey - Going Back To My Roots RCA, RCA 85, (PB 2240), solid centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/Odyssey-Going-Back-To-My-Roots/release/3766144 * * Human League - The Sound Of The Crowd Virgin, VS416, VS 416, solid centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/Human-League-The-Sound-Of-The-Crowd/release/27726 * * The Human League - Love Action (I Believe In Love) Virgin, VS 435, solid centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/The-Human-League-Love-Action-I-Believe-In-Love/release/27727 * * Haircut One Hundred - Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl) Arista, CLIP 1, red injection labels, solid centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/Haircut-One-Hundred-Favourite-Shirts-Boy-Meets-Girl/release/3268962 * * Olivia Newton-John - Physical EMI, EMI 5234, knock-out centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/Olivia-Newton-John-Physical/release/530597 * * Modern Romance - Ay Ay Ay Ay Moosey WEA, K 18883, solid centre (1981) * https://www.discogs.com/Modern-Romance-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Moosey/release/9327500 * * Irene Cara - Fame RSO, RSO 90, (2090450), solid centre (1982) * https://www.discogs.com/Irene-Cara-Fame/release/2615679 * * The Fun Boy Three - Summertime Chrysalis, CHSP 2629, picture disc, solid centre (1982) * https://www.discogs.com/The-Fun-Boy-Three-Summertime/release/1906687 * * The Jam - Beat Surrender Polydor, POSP 540, (2059 575), silver injection labels, solid centre (1982) * https://www.discogs.com/The-Jam-Beat-Surrender/release/389915 * * Monsoon - Ever So Lonely The Mobile Suit Corporation, Phonogram, CORP 2, paper label, solid centre (1982) * https://www.discogs.com/Monsoon-Ever-So-Lonely/release/7385397 * * UB40 ‎- Red Red Wine DEP International, DEP 7, solid centre (1983) * https://www.discogs.com/UB40-Red-Red-Wine/release/330297 * * Ryan Paris ‎- Dolce Vita Carrere, CAR 289, knock-out centre (1983) * https://www.discogs.com/Ryan-Paris-Dolce-Vita/release/8208907 * * Riccardo Cocciante - Sulla Terra Io E Lei / Di Notte Virgin, VIN 45090, dinked centre (1983) * https://www.discogs.com/Riccardo-Cocciante-Se-Stiamo-Insieme/release/2829565 * * Jackie Wilson - Reet Petite (The Sweetest Girl In Town) SMP, SKM 3, solid centre (1985) * https://www.discogs.com/Jackie-Wilson-Reet-Petite-The-Sweetest-Girl-In-Town/release/2622425 * * Jermaine Stewart - We don't have to take our clothes off 10 Records, TEN 96, solid centre (1985) * https://www.discogs.com/Jermaine-Stewart-We-Dont-Have-To-Take-Our-Clothes-Off/release/9758641 * * Bangles ‎- Walk like an Egyptian CBS, 650071-7, solid centre (1986) * https://www.discogs.com/Bangles-Walk-Like-An-Egyptian/release/729404 * * Communards with Sarah Jane Morris - Don't leave me this way London Records, LON 103, (886 077-7), ZPMSC 11008, solid centre (1986) * https://www.discogs.com/Communards-With-Sarah-Jane-Morris-Dont-Leave-Me-This-Way/release/7357329 * * Fine Young Cannibals - Ever Fallen In Love London Records, LON 121, (886 115-7), ZPMSC 11111, silver injection labels, solid centre (1986) * https://www.discogs.com/Fine-Young-Cannibals-Ever-Fallen-In-Love/release/162863 * * Jaki Graham - Step Right Up EMI, JAKI 9, silver injection labels, solid centre (1986) * https://www.discogs.com/Jaki-Graham-Step-Right-Up/release/781440 * * Foster Pilkington - Listening Land Rockin' Horse Records, RH 111, solid centre (1986) * https://www.discogs.com/Foster-Pilkington-Listening-Land/release/6401027 * * Ben E. King - Stand by me / The Coasters - Yakety Yak Atlantic, A 9361, 789361-7, solid centre (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Ben-E-King-The-Coasters-Stand-By-Me-Yakety-Yak/release/3131419 * * Jackie Wilson - I Get The Sweetest Feeling SMP, SKM 1, solid centre (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Jackie-Wilson-I-Get-The-Sweetest-Feeling/release/6847128 * * Simply Red - The Right Thing WEA, YZ 103, silver injection labels, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Simply-Red-The-Right-Thing/release/1461605 * * Percy Sledge - When a man loves a woman Atlantic, YZ 96, (MS 5267), paper labels, solid centre (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Percy-Sledge-When-A-Man-Loves-A-Woman/release/1760552 * * Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing (Remix) EMI, EMI 5592, silver injection labels, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Hot-Chocolate-You-Sexy-Thing-Remix/release/880350 * * Bruce Willis - Respect Yourself Motown, ZB 41117, ZB41117, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Bruce-Willis-Respect-Yourself/release/1096743 * * Janet Jackson - Let's Wait Awhile A&M Records, Breakout, USA 601, red injection labels, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Janet-Jackson-Lets-Wait-Awhile/release/1448315 * * Prince - Sign "O" The Times Paisley Park, W 8399, 928 399-7, WE 171, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Prince-Sign-O-The-Times/release/523801 * * Boy George - Everything I own Virgin, BOY 100, sleeve image labels, solid centre, (1987) * https://www.discogs.com/Boy-George-Everything-I-Own/release/1653411 * Special: * ETKY 69 7 COPS, dinked centre, 6 september 90 * * Hazel O'connor - Health of the night, solid centre, maybe 86-87 *

[saiilorstars]

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 17: Shadows of the Past

// Previous Chapters // 

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing:  Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: As Lewis' trial continues, Montserrat has gone M.I.A. and that's something that Rafael can't accept. With Carisi's and Casey's help, he tracks the missing detective down and talks with her. And just as the trial comes to as a close, Montserrat slips up.

Olivia wondered what was worse: having Lewis cross-examine her right now or dread the moment he would? Unfortunately, she was dealing with the latter. Lewis was forcing her to wallow in her fear for his questioning for a few more days.

"You'll be prepared," Rafael's assurance did little for Olivia. She was tired. So, so tired. "We've gone over this enough times."

Olivia wanted to be as sure as he was, but he wasn't going to be the one answering Lewis' questions. He wasn't the one who would be lying on the stand. In her thinking, Olivia didn't notice the rest of the squad approaching them in the hallway.

"Liv, you want us to drive you home?" Fin offered twice before Olivia came back to the present. They were all looking at her in concern.

"Uh...I can get there on my own," she answered quietly but distractedly. Later on, she wouldn't be able to remember if she said goodbye to her friends before leaving.

"Lewis not wanting to cross-examine her right now is a tactic isn't it?" Sonny asked Rafael once Olivia was out of hearing distance.

Rafael gave a tilt of his head. "Could be. And it would be a very smart one too. make her think about all the questions is going to ask her, make her more nervous in the span of these days and then once he has her up on the stand…" he didn't finish.

"That's not going to happen," Amanda said with certainty. "Olivia is stronger and she's a hell of a lot smarter than that guy. As are you councilor, don't let him take her down."

Rafael nodded and let them go all except for one. "Carisi," his call was sudden and quiet that the detective in question hesitated to stop and glance back. "Yes come here," Rafael said once he sensed Sonny's thoughts.

Sonny let the others continue on their way and turned back for Rafael. "What do you need, councilor? Something for the case?"

"Yes - well no, well…" Rafael bobbed his head, the uncertainty in him was a novel sight for Sonny. He was struggling to say something, that much Sonny could tell. "You're, um...you have a...relationship with...Montserrat's roommate? Right?"

It took a moment for Sonny to process the question, but when he did he noticed the uncomfortableness in Rafael. Apart from novelty, it was almost amusing. "Well, we're getting there. Sort of. It's a process-"

Rafael raised a hand to cut him off. "-yeah, okay, it's a yes or no question, Carisi."

"Then I guess yes...why?"

"So you have to know more about Novak's lack of presence here, right?"

"You would think that, huh?" Sonny all but snorted. "Not even Kara knows why. She says that Montserrat called her and said she would be staying with Casey instead. And Montse called in sick for these last couple of days. I didn't really think she was sick the last time I saw her."

"Yeah," Rafael agreed, his mind was already turning wheels as he thought back to the last day he saw Montserrat. The last time he saw her she had left and in such a hasty manner. She looked really pale to as if she really was sick but that wouldn't make sense considering she had been fine the entire day. "Doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of things don't make sense about Novak."

A brief silence passed while he thought some more, leaving Sonny to make his own conclusions about this entire conversation.

"Find out what's going on," Rafael made the order sound so calmly and...friendly.

"What?" Sonny blinked while Rafael took off. "Wait - councilor, what for? She's not testifying anyways-"

"-I want to know what's going on. She was meant to be here for Olivia and then suddenly she disappears? I don't accept that." Behind Rafael, Sonny made a face at his words. "Reminds me too much of the first time she disappeared after going into labor." He stopped at the elevator and pressed the button.

"You afraid she'll disappear again?" Sonny's subtle tease was met with a straight face.

"That is not what I said," Rafael snapped, almost warning Sonny not to even go down that road. "I want to know what's going on but I have my hands kind of full at the moment. Simple as that. Will you do it or will I have to do it myself?"

Sonny knew exactly what Rafael was doing and it was frankly amusing. Either way, Rafael planned on reaching out to Montserrat. The question was would he have to go around the long way, or would he, Sonny, help him out with a short cut?

~0~

"I'm sorry, but I haven't seen Montserrat this week. I'm almost as worried as you are," Kara admitted to Sonny in her living room.

As promised, Sonny was following up with Kara but apparently there wasn't much to follow. Montserrat had been staying with Casey this week, only coming back for new clothes. And when she did come back, Kara was at work.

"So she hasn't talked to you at all?" Sonny took the seat next to her.

"Well…" Kara bobbed her head, "She called to tell me that she was staying with Casey and then she called again a couple days ago to tell me she was fine and that she was just going to stay with Casey a couple more days. But... I don't know…" She sighed and brought a hand to the side of her head while she thought. "It sounded like - like if she was upset. You know the way your voice kind of cracks when you want to cry or you are crying? That's what it kind of sounded like the last time she talked to me."

Someone interrupts their conversation with a knock on the door. Kara told Sonny that she wasn't expecting anyone else but that it could be monsterrat. she got up to go answer the door and, to her surprise, she found Olivia standing on the other side.

"Liv?" Sonny blinked in surprise. "What are you doing here? Barba told you to take it easy."

"And when do I ever listen?" Olivia still had some of her humor despite the awful week she was having.

Kara, who was still surprised, cleared her throat and stepped to the side to let Olivia in. "I wasn't expecting you…"

Olivia smiled. "Yes, I but you weren't. I just stopped by to see if once a lot to lose here? I haven't seen her all week and I heard she called in sick."

"Umm...well, you're going to have to get in line cos apparently a lot of us are looking for Montserrat right now," Kara closed the door.

Olivia crossed glanced with Sonny, clearly confused and now worried as well. "Montserrat isn't here?"

"No, she's been staying with Casey this whole week," Kara sighed and walked towards the sofa again. "I was just telling funny that I was kind of worried the last time that she called me. It sounds like she been crying."

"Do you have any idea why?" asked Olivia.

"No," Kara plopped on the couch with a deep sigh. "I love Montse, I really do, but she is not the same person that she used to be," Kara hated to admit, especially when she couldn't tell Montserrat face to face. "This whole year she's just been... Different. If you had met her last year you would have seen her in a completely different way. She always smiled, she laughed a lot more. She used to love her job at Homicide. And she was always hanging around her co-workers there. Sometimes I got a little jealous because it looked like she wanted to spend more time with them than with me," Kara smiled at the memories. "And then, all of a sudden...she just kind of changed. It's like she cut all ties with Queens."

"Well…" Olivia move to sit on the other couch, "...Montserrat had been eyeing the vacancy in SVU since last year. If she did change I don't think it was after taking the job here."

"Yeah, I know that she was looking into SVU but...it was just kind of out of curiosity. I never thought she would actually transfer."

"She put in her papers, Kara," Olivia said gently. "She was pretty serious before retracting."

"Tell me about it," Kara rolled her eyes. "That whole surrogacy pregnancy thing came out of nowhere. One moment she's just doing her job and then the next day she tells me that she's pregnant? I think that's really when it all started. When she changed. After that pregnancy, I don't think Montserrat has ever talked about going back to Queens. She doesn't even talk about her friends anymore there. I wish I knew what was going on."

Olivia seemed pensive when she glanced at Sonny. She was thinking but there wasn't a lot she could come up with...in that moment.

~0~

Despite the turbulent week she had, Montserrat was in a much better mood than the last time dr. Weslin had seen her.

"I took my cousin's advice to stay away from the trial for at least a couple days and I have to say that it's done me some good," Montserrat admitted without trouble. "I'm... distracted. And I've even been productive."

"How do you mean?" Dr. Weslin inquired.

"My Sergeant is pretty attached to this baby that she found during a case so she's been going to his family court hearings. He's had trouble finding a good foster family. Turns out she had a hearing this week and I went to it since Olivia couldn't. And... they found him a new home and I have the address so that Olivia can visit him after the trial is all done."

"That's a nice thing you did," Dr. Weslin noted. "But I do have to ask if you did this out of guilt because you didn't attend her trial."

Montserrat expected the question and she wasn't at all offended. It was a reasonable question. "NO. I did it to show my support in a different way. Olivia is not only my sergeant, but she's also my friend. And my friend happened to have missed this hearing, so I went in instead."

Dr. Weslin liked what she heard. "Do you intend on returning to that trial?"

Montserrat lowered her head in thought. "I haven't decided. It ends this week and from what the news says, it'll be Olivia's turn to be cross-examined by Lewis. That's going to be hard…"

And a big part of her wanted to be there that day, because if she didn't have the courage to face her attacker...She could be there for someone who did have that courage.

"Montserrat? Have you thought about that?" Dr. Weslin asked again.

Montserrat shrugged her shoulders and admitted that she hadn't. "I was so caught up with this baby boy Doe case that I didn't really think about anything else. But I'm definitely going to think about it."

And she was.

~0~

With what Sonny had gotten from Kara, he went to Rafael. It just took the ADA five minutes to realize Sonny had virtually nothing.

"Are you sure you're a detective?" he asked just to make a point.

Sonny rolled his eyes and leaned back on his chair. "I did what I could. And to be honest, I don't know why you had me do it in the first place. Do you need Montse for the trial?"

"No-"

"-then why are we doing this?"

"Because I want to know, that's why," Rafael was plain and simple with his intentions, as odd as they sounded. It irked him that Montserrat would just disappear like that.

"Sure that's it?" Sonny couldn't help that smirk on his face.

"Watch yourself, detective," Rafael warned and pointed his finger towards his office door. "You're free to go."

"Fine," Sonny raised his hands in defence. "You're welcome, by the way. See you tomorrow for court."

"Mm," Rafael was distracted with something else, and Sonny had a good idea of what it was - who it was. He was bothered, yes he was bothered, and he had to do something about it. Get ahold of yourself, he thought.

He tried that.

His fingers tapped against his desk. The work on said desk still remained untouched, not even looked at. Five minutes later, Rafael gave up.

"No." He made the decision to get up and leave the office. He walked out into the hallway and made a straight way towards an office. Much like the detectives he worked with, he barged into Casey's office without so much of a knock. "Where the hell is your cousin?"

Casey lowered the papers she'd been looking at and processed what just happened. "Um...good afternoon…?"

Rafael made a gesture for her to stop. "I need to see Montserrat. Where is she?"

Casey raised an eyebrow at him but, unlike Sonny who'd taken a lighter mood with it, she was more serious. "She's...having lunch, I assume. Probably having dessert first, if I know her any good. Why do you need to see her?"

"I just do!" Rafael answered rather fast. "I'm...there's some things I needed from her for another case…" he was spewing out this God awful lie and he still didn't know what the urgency of this was for. "Where can I find her right now?"

"Working through lunch again? Must be really important, then," Casey reached for her phone in one of her drawers. "She did call in sick, you know."

"It won't be long," he promised.

Casey went over the last text her cousin sent her earlier. "Oh, right, she's at her favorite place having dessert first no doubt."

As soon as she gave him the place, Rafael was gone from her office.

~ 0 ~

Montserrat rocked on her feet while she gazed at the menu above her. To her luck, there was no line which gave her free reign on her decision making process.

"We got new almond fudge brownies," the teenage boy behind the counter offered.

Montserrat briefly looked at him and smiled. She knew the boy well now and he knew her enough to know she loved anything chocolate. "Give me that, Justin," she nodded. "But I'm having an extra sweet tooth today so let me see what else."

"Is the chocolate mousse making it into the cut?"

"Why the hell not? I'm thinking…" Montserrat moved her attention to the display of sweets under the counter, "...it's a cookie day too."

"How do you not throw up?" Justin wondered out loud, much to her offence.

She set her hands on hips and gave him what Justin would call a 'mom look'. "How about you take my lunch order without criticism?"

"That's your lunch?" Rafael's sudden input startled Montserrat out of her 'mom look'. "Are you serious?"

"How'd you find me?" she blinked.

"Your cousin. And I didn't know one would need to go hunting to find you."

"Well...I didn't know I was needed," Montserrat crossed her arms, suddenly shifting on her feet.

"You are," Rafael said so bluntly it startled him. He hated to admit that the moment he saw her he was finally able to calm down a bit. She looked fine, but the fact she'd gone to such measures not to be found was troublesome for him.

Montserrat didn't know how to respond right away. She thought she would have a little more time before seeing any of her friends. "Uuh, Justin just get me what I ordered."

"That cannot be your lunch," Rafael insisted but she scoffed in return.

"Haven't you heard breakfast for dinner? It's kind of like that, but better," she shrugged. "But I doubt you came all the way here to criticize my lunch. What do you need?"

"For you to quit hiding," he was straight forwards in what fit. Her reaction was wide, blinking eyes but that didn't stop him from continuing. "You have us worried over you when there's an important trial going on."

"I didn't know my absence would be such an impact on a case I'm not involved in," she said quietly and turned for an empty table if only to avoid his hard gaze.

"Oh stop with the sarcasm and be honest," he followed her to the table. "Olivia is going to testify tomorrow and she's looking for you too."

"She is?" Montserrat practically fell on her chair when she felt the guilt creeping over her. "I didn't...I didn't think it would matter if I…" She trailed off and looked to the side.

Rafael watched her for the minute she stayed silent. It was so odd the way she went into these moments - because he knew for a fact these moments were not often but every once in a while. And just like before, it irked him that he couldn't figure out what it was. What had her so reclusive sometimes? So secretive? So...distant?

"Montserrat?" his call was enough to turn her head.

"Sorry," she apologized and nervously bit her lip. "About Olivia, I'll be there tomorrow. I promise."

"Yes, but will you be okay to do so?" his question came as a surprise since he would hardly ask anyone that.

"Of course," she put on a smile for him.

"Montserrat, sometimes I feel as if you're in another world. I assume this world is not a happy one because every time you leave for a few minutes...you get this...look in your eyes," Rafael leaned forwards on the table, specifically looking her in the eyes just to confirm his words. "If I didn't know any better, you'd resemble the clients I see."

"Stop," her order came in a low voice but a hard one nonetheless. "You're trespassing into a place you don't belong."

Her change in demeanor and voice was dark enough to make a point. Rafael pulled back and upheld her look. "Alright. Sorry."

Montserrat pushed some hair behind her ear and tried to ease up, but it was as if the moment someone treaded close to her secret...she went into defense mode. "It's fine. I'll be there tomorrow, I promise. I've taken enough sick days, I believe. I appreciate you coming to find me. You shouldn't have gone to the trouble."

"I think I had to," but even when Rafael said this he was pretty sure things were worse now.

"Montse?" Justin called from the counter with a white bag in the air.

"Gotta go," Montserrat stood up from the table.

"Montserrat," Rafael stood up with her fast.

"I'm fine," she assured with a more genuine smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"I...okay," Rafael decided to stop insisting before she completely shut down on him again. He didn't want to see her farther away from him - er, the group. He didn't want to see her farther from them.

~ 0 ~

"Seriously?" Montserrat was too tired to argue with anyone else that day. Casey got a free pass that dinner. "You told Rafael where to find me?" she plopped down at the table where their Chinese take out food was spread out.

Casey shrugged and reached for the soy sauce. "Thought it might help you to snap out of your gunk."

"It's not gunk and you know it," Montserrat grimly said.

"I do," Casey clarified. "But I also know that you want to get out of it so I did my bit to help. Plus," she smiled for a moment, "Rafael seemed worried about you."

Montserrat didn't even dignify Casey's smirk with a look. She took the soy sauce bottle from Casey's side and poured some over her rice. "You screwed me over, Casey," - she went on as if Casey had never said anything - "Now I have to show up at court tomorrow."

Casey's smirk wasn't completely gone, just the necessary to speak. "Why? Is he threatening you?"

"No. He got to my conscience," Montserrat said with a frown. "I know Liv is facing off Lewis tomorrow and I can't miss that. I told her I'd be there and I want to be there."

"Okay, so I did do good," Casey nodded proudly to herself.

"No!" Montserrat quickly pointed at her. "No you did not!" Casey's laughter only irritated Montserrat more since the former kept ignoring her. "Casey, just stop!"

~0~

Olivia was front and center the morning of her cross examining. She hated it and she wanted to be in another country, but that would mean Lewis would go free and she was not going to let that happen.

"You're going to do fine," Rafael was persisting with that idea, hoping to ease some of her nerves. Truth be told if Lewis got his way, he'd be able to show Olivia lied to the grand jury.

"I'm hoping too," Olivia stared at the court doors that were waiting for her to cross through. She knew the rest of the squad were already waiting inside. They weren't going to leave her alone and she knew it. "Because if I mess up-"

"-you won't," Montserrat's voice startled Olivia but she was overall happy to see the detective back. Montserrat approached them with a usual smile of hers, as if she wasn't carrying her own demons at the moment. "Because you are incredibly intelligent and Lewis is a...well, I'd rather not use that type of vocabulary here."

"When has that ever stopped you?" Rafael asked, rather straight-faced too. He'd been on the receiving end of some of that vocabulary on occasion. Montserrat smirked, knowing exactly well what she'd done before.

"Are you okay, though?" Olivia thought to ask since Montserrat had basically disappeared for a while.

Montserrat shook her head and set a hand on Olivia's arm. "This is about you. Don't worry about anything else. Plus, I'm fine, so…" her shrug wasn't very well believed but Olivia's time ran short when the court officers opened the door.

Olivia drew in a small breath before turning to the doors. It was now or never, basically.

"She's got this...right?" Montserrat quietly asked Rafael before they had to go inside as well.

"Yes," he answered without a doubt, as much as he could portray. He side-glanced her for a second to see if he could decide whether or not she was actually better than yesterday.

"I showed up out of my own accord," she suddenly said and met his gaze, assuming he was thinking he'd won their little disagreement yesterday. "Course I thought that if I didn't show up today you might come and argue with me again." Her small slip of a smirk was enough for Rafael to decide she was better, and since that was all he was going to get he gladly took it. He wouldn't risk upsetting her again.

"As long as you know," he said instead, following her game.

Montserrat smiled wider and moved for her seat. She found Amanda already sitting at a bench so she took the seat next to the blonde.

Once court began, it began. Lewis took the reigns as soon as he could and commanded Olivia to take her place at the witness' stand.

"We've heard a lot of testimony in this case. But only two people know what happened over those four days," Lewis made good on his innocent track as he gazed at the jury. "I know exactly what happened, and that's what I told the jury." His attention then flickered to Olivia. "I can see how that's the story you'd want the jury to believe. The truth is embarrassing. That you, an experienced but lonely SVU detective, consumed by her work, became sexually obsessed with a man you believed to be a rapist."

There was a lot Olivia wanted to do at that moment, screaming would be one of them, but she contained it all to just say, "That's a lie."

"Is it? Can you tell me, are you married? Do you have children?"

"Objection," called Rafael. "Relevance?"

"It speaks to her issues with intimacy and sexuality, your honor," Lewis was quick to explain, not that it mattered for Olivia since she knew his game already.

"Tread carefully, Mr. Lewis," warned the judge. "May I remind you, she's your witness."

When she had to, Olivia finally answered, "I'm not married. I do not have children."

"What about a family? When we spent time together, you said you didn't wanna talk about your father. Why was that?"

Montserrat couldn't believe Lewis was actually going with the "we spent time together" as if he hadn't threatened Olivia all the way. As Lewis went on, Montserrat was almost scared to admit she was getting just as furious as Olivia was. She also didn't want to admit that perhaps her own flashbacks were getting in the way.

"So your life is your work, isn't it? Over time, your world view has narrowed to victims and rapists."

"I wouldn't say that," Olivia shifted in her seat.

"No? Well, the jury has heard your captain testify that he was worried about you after your second case against me was dropped," Lewis threw a look at the jury. "Isn't that right?"

"My whole squad was upset-"

"-yeah, but you were the only one who he ordered to go home, take some time off, weren't you?" Olivia had only just opened her mouth to respond when Lewis leaned forwards - an action that actually made Olivia recoil from the counter - and put a hand behind his ear. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can... can you speak up?"

"Yes, I was!" Olivia snapped.

"Thank you. So, social isolation, long-term immersion in sexual assaults, and a recent public loss of face. All of that preceded our four days together. Is that right?"

"You broke into my apartment, tied me up, and held a gun to my head."

"We know that's your story, but none of your fellow detectives could find or even fake any signs of forced entry, could they?" Lewis was proud to say that one out loud.

And that's where Montserrat started remembering more. His smugness...oh, that disgusting smugness.

"I don't know how you got in...but you did!" Olivia repeated.

"I teleported myself, maybe!" Lewis exclaimed "Or maybe you invited me in-"

Olivia gritted her teeth together as she glared at him. "You were the last person that I wanted to see that night."

"That night, when I "broke in," were you armed when you came home?"

"Yes."

"So why didn't you just pull your gun on me?"

"I froze!"

"An experienced detective didn't hear me come in, didn't see any signs of forced entry," Lewis' condescension was unbearable and yet the jury seemed to be buying it. "She froze. So you're telling me that you didn't invite me in, but clearly, you react differently to me than you do to hundreds of other men that you've-"

"-don't," Olivia warned.

"No? What about your partner? Your partner testified the first time that you interrogated me, you were flirting with me. You were trying to arouse me-"

"I was playing a role," Olivia snapped again.

"Were you? The first night we spent together, you said that I tied you up, that I was forcing alcohol down your throat and you didn't resist? Was that part of your role-playing?"

Montserrat hadn't realized she'd been shifting in her seat too much until Amanda's hand touched her arm. "You good?" the blonde detective whispered. She was noticing Montserrat's unusual paleness alongside the jittering.

"I-I think…" Montserrat couldn't be honest with Amanda. What the hell was wrong with her!? She was supposed to be there for Olivia's sake but her body and mind were betraying her. Each time Lewis delved deeper into the case, showed more of his manipulative self, Montserrat saw him. And when Olivia had her turn, Montserrat saw herself. The victim trying to prove that she was okay.

You need to stop, she berated herself.

But Lewis kept going. He turned a potential rape into some type of fantasy Olivia initiated. It was vile. He was vile.

And Olivia was innocent, frustrated...to the point of crying out of anger that the most terrible event in her life was being turned into something that never happened.

At some point, Montserrat crossed gazes with Olivia. In two seconds Montserrat knew where Olivia was and it was the breaking point. She knew it all too well... because that's what Olivia was seeing in Montserrat right now. As Lewis was shouting in her face about being a liar, Olivia zoned in on Montserrat's face. The expression on Montserrat's face...the shiny eyes...the pursed lips...the cross of anger and pain…

Olivia's eyebrows raised together once she realized. And when she realized, Montserrat knew.

She knows. Montserrat's body jerked up from the bench. She attracted some attention, including Lewis', Rafael's, and the jury. Montserrat made the fastest turn in her life and sprinted towards the doors. She couldn't wait to see the corridors.

Montserrat made the rush for the nearest restroom where she could let go for a bit in order to make it home looking decent. She planted her palms on the marble sink and let some tears out. She didn't realize how her body trembled, and much less how much time she was spending in there. But when she heard the restroom door open up, she knew court had adjourned and that she'd royally messed up.

Quiet heels walked into the restroom, soon making Montserrat see it was the sergeant herself. Montserrat was too tired to deny, even to try and hide it. She raised her head up to see her messy reflection then to see Olivia's coming near her.

To be polite, Montserrat would leave it as: Olivia looked like a mess as well. She'd gone through hell. But instead of talking about it, Olivia put a hand on Montserrat's arm and quietly asked, "When?"

Because that's who Olivia Benson was. She could go through hell and still have desire to care for others.

Montserrat shut her eyes for a moment when she felt new tears threatening to come down. "...last year." She found a voice to use, a frail one but an audible one. "On the job.'

Olivia nodded. For the time being, there was a silent agreement that this was enough.

But it wasn't over.

[saiilorstars]

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 16: Facing the Beast

/ Previous Chapters /

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing:  Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: The trial against William Lewis begins and despite her best efforts, Montserrat is succumbed by the fear of her own demons of the past.

There were few employees left in the SVU bullpen by 7 pm. It was one of the rare slow days that many employees heard of but only few actually saw. Montserrat was one of those.

She gave a light knock on Olivia's office door and walked in with a few papers in hand. "I'm ready to go but I wanted to drop these off first."

Olivia pulled her glasses off and put them on her desk. She seemed wearier than usual. "Thanks. What were those again?"

Montserrat approached the desk and discreetly saw the papers Olivia had in front of her. Though she meant to be discreet, what she saw left her visibly surprised.

"Those papers…?" Olivia called when she noticed where Montserrat's gaze was.

The detective blinked back to the present and handed Olivia her papers. "Paperwork on the Jenson case. Tedious as was Jenson but it is all done." Montserrat offered a smile that became a bit too teethy.

"Can I help you with something else, Novak?" Olivia raised an eyebrow, her seriousness going over Montserrat's head.

"Please don't call me Novak - you sound like Rafael," Montserrat rolled her eyes. "I'm just curious as to why a sergeant is wasting time going over an old case that's good and closed."

"Because this case is not completely closed," Olivia admitted and since Montserrat looked confused she added, "One of the children I found is still being moved through foster homes."

Montserrat continued to be confused until it donned on her what case Olivia was talking about. "Is it baby boy Doe? The baby you found from that couple who went around 'adopting' unwanted children?" Olivia nodded and leaned back against her chair. "I read about that on the news. The other kids were returned home, weren't they?"

"Yes, but this baby doesn't have parents nor next of kin," Olivia wearily rubbed her forehead. "He's gone through 3 foster homes in the last 5 months. It's like none of these parents want to take care of him."

Montserrat tilted her head at Olivia, clearly questioning where Olivia got this knowledge from. "Who do you have on the inside?"

Olivia playfully rolled her eyes. "I've been going to his hearings in family court. It breaks my heart we can't find the right home for this baby."

Montserrat was quiet for a minute as she thought. "Well...sometimes bad things happen in order for something exceptionally good to happen."

Olivia smiled but only briefly. She reached for her glasses on the desk and started to gently tap them against the wood. "Well I'm waiting for that exceptionally good thing to happen. He has another hearing next week so maybe it'll be then. But what are you doing tonight? Sitting with the boss and talking about cases? Go home, Montserrat."

Montserrat only agreed because she had set up an appointment that she couldn't miss. She bid goodnight to Olivia then walked out of the office. She made it all the way to her desk and looked around to see the few detectives left with her.

"Go home you old men," she said to Sonny and Fin. "Take a leaf out of Amanda's book and go have a drink or something."

"Same can be said for you," Fin quipped within the next second.

"And I'll have you know that I'm actually going out on a date in about…" Sonny's eyes widened in alarm after seeing the time on his watch, "...crap! Now!" both Montserrat and Finn burst into laughter while they watched Sonny scramble to get his things from his desk.

"Kara is going to kill you! And then finally my horror of this dating thing will end!" Montserrat calmly went to gather her things.

Sonny threw her a sharp look for her words. Little did she know that his date was actually a trip to visit the place where Kara had planned her surprise birthday party. And that's the thanks I get? He planned on getting a real date with Kara after this. It was only fair.

"Where you headed, then?" Finn asked Montserrat once Sonny had left (ran).

"Oh you know... Here and there, not really sure yet," Montserrat tried being nonchalant about her plans. "Have a good night."

"You too," Finn called once she got going.

~0~

Each week that Montserrat visited her therapist she felt as if things were getting better for her. And in reality, they were. But, her birthday was nearing. It meant it was almost a year now that her life had changed.

"It's not even the fact that I'm turning 30 - usually that's the bit that upsets you - but...turning 30 is the least of my problems," she spoke quietly but there was a shakiness in her voice Dr. Weslin detected. "In fact I'm pretty sure Kara doesn't get the memo that I don't want anything to do with my birthday."

"Have you told her why?" Dr. Weslin inquired even though she knew the answer.

Montserrat shook her head. "Telling her why means I'd have to tell her what happened. I don't think I can do that."

Dr. Weslin studied Montserrat fidget in her chair. "Montserrat, have you ever considered attending an anonymous abuse meeting?"

The detective seemed startled by the question. She drew some hair behind her ear then gave her therapist a curious look. "Those exist?"

Dr. Weslin briefly smiled. "Yes. It's just like alcoholic anonymous group or a gambler's anonymous group. You are doing phenomenal but...I think the fact that you don't feel comfortable to disclose to anyone else, including your closest friend, might be hindering a part of your recovery. A meeting like this would be completely anonymous. You can share what happened to you without having to face anyone that you know. Does this sound like something you would be interested in?"

Montserrat couldn't answer straight away, mostly because she wasn't sure. The only people who knew about her rape were Casey and her old Queens precinct Captain. She couldn't muster the courage to tell anyone else, not even her own family.

"Montserrat?" Dr. Weslin brought the woman back to the present. "Should I give you locations?"

There was a silence over Montserrat that couldn't be waived.

~0~

The following work week brought the awaited trail Olivia had been waiting for a while now, and when she meant a 'while' she really meant months and months. And though it finally came, she still felt as if there were loose strings that couldn't be tied up now.

When Montserrat arrived at the precinct, she came to see only Sonny around. He was blatantly staring at Olivia's office. Though the office was closed but she could see Rafael talking to Olivia, Amanda, Fin and Nick. "What's going on there?" she dropped her purse on her desk.

Sonny glanced at her with a small smile. "Trial we're not exactly part of."

"Which one?" Montserrat made a face.

Sonny turned his chair to face her. "The Lewis Williams trial. It starts tomorrow."

Montserrat wasn't as caught up with Manhattan's SVU cases before her time. There was hardly a need, and even then she had taken a look at some of the more bigger ones...and perhaps that one may have shown up. "Lewis case…" she repeated quietly while she tried to remember. She drew in a breath when she came up blank. "I'm going to sound so unprofessional but what case is that?"

Sonny barely got to raise an eyebrow when they both heard the office door opening up. Rafael had led the rest of the squad out and when he walked, he made a purpose to head for the two detectives who were out of the loop. "You two, keep your mouths shut. Don't talk to anyone, got it?"

There was a mutual confusion between Montserrat and Sonny.

"...you know, you could just say 'good morning' like a normal person," Montserrat quietly said and looked away before she could meet Rafael's deadpanning look.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he assumed she was being sarcastic - which was too early in his opinion. "Do you understand, Novak?"

Montserrat helplessly glanced at Sonny then at the others coming out of the office. "I wish I did but I don't. I don't know what's going on."

"That makes two," Sonny's agreement helped her out in that she wasn't being rude this time.

In fact, it seemed as if it re-directed some of Rafael's annoyance towards the others. He looked back at the rest of the squad with disbelief. "You haven't caught them up? Are you serious!?"

"It didn't seem pertinent," Olivia was the one to answer, even though it revolved entirely around her.

"What didn't?" asked both Montserrat and Sonny, making Rafael nearly slap his forehead with deeper irritation.

"You two," he dropped his hand only to point at them, "Get yourselves caught up. You're the only detectives allowed to be in the trial from beginning to end. But your strength is also your weakness: your absences in this case make you easy preys for the defense. They will try to weed out any information from you so be on guard."

"With all due respect, councilor, I think Montse and I know what we're doing," Sonny leaned back in his chair. "But it wouldn't hurt to discuss more about this."

On that note, Rafael agreed. He glanced at the rest of the squad with a warning glint in his eyes. "Do it. Better safe than sorry." He took off but briefly stopped next to Montserrat. "And good morning," he greeted her with one of his usual smirks.

A smile came to Montserrat's face when he took off again. It was short lived after seeing the grimness the rest of her co-workers carried with them. "Okay, seriously, someone tell us what's going on?"

~ 0 ~

Montserrat wished she would've never asked.

She seriously meant it.

To learn what her sergeant - and more importantly her friend - had gone through with the animal that was Lewis Williams was terrifying, and heartbreaking. Montserrat couldn't believe that someone as strong as Olivia Benson had the misfortune of crossing paths with Lewis. It definitely made Montserrat look at Olivia in a new way.

So, on the first day of trial Montserrat presented herself at the courthouse earlier than the others would. She walked through the crowds of people down the hallway until she spotted Olivia sitting alone on a bench. As she got closer, Montserrat could see the distant look on Olivia's face that was really a cover up for all the nervousness she must have been feeling.

"Here," Montserrat offered Olivia the coffee cup in her hand. Olivia was, of course, surprised to see Montserrat there so early. Montserrat just continued to smile and motioned Olivia to take the coffee.

"Thank you," Olivia quietly said before taking the cup. She hadn't been able to eat nor drink anything that morning - she didn't think she could stomach it.

Montserrat still felt at a loss for words. In her experience, nothing anyone could say helped her get through her trauma. "When you were looking at the Baby Boy Doe case the other night...were you thinking about...this?"

Olivia pursed her lips together, letting the warmth of the coffee hit her lips from the inside. She gave a slight nod of her head in the end.

"I did notice you were...a little more distant but I didn't imagine it was because of this," Montserrat sighed. "Liv, I don't even know what to tell you. I'm sure whatever I do say it won't be enough."

Olivia still offered the detective a thankful smile. "Your presence is appreciated. And trust me, I didn't think it was important to burden you nor Carisi about this. You weren't there anyways-"

"-but we're your friends, Liv. And I don't mean that as a 'you should've told us something' because it doesn't entitle us to anything. I just…" Montserrat sighed again and moved to sit next to Olivia. She licked her lips with a new sense of nervousness, as if something she could say would tip Olivia off that she was speaking from a similar experience.

Olivia studied Montserrat, much to the detective's luck, and got the feeling she was holding something back. It reminded Olivia of the early days when they'd hired Montserrat. Every now and then, Montserrat would become cryptic with her words and she would exhibit odd actions and expressions. She hadn't seen it in a while, actually.

Montserrat released a breath and shifted a bit to better face Olivia. "Do you think that if you would've told me or Sonny about this...it would've made you feel any better about this whole thing?"

Olivia tilted her head as she tried to understand what Montserrat wanted to know. "Well, it wasn't much of a secret to begin with. Everyone else saw what I went through...what...happened…"

"I know, I know," Montserrat made a motion for Olivia to stop so she could better explain, "I meant like...everything Lewis did to you, it's traumatic no doubt. Would talking about it to someone, someone besides a therapist, make you feel better about it? Like, if you sat down with one of us and just...let it all out?"

Olivia admitted that she never considered talking about the four days with Lewis with anyone but her therapist. Sure, the squad had been witness to the crime scenes but she'd never actually talked with any of them about what went on during those days. She didn't feel ready for it, and when she'd finally gotten to a better place...she didn't want to tell anyone else. Her therapist was helping her anyways. What was the point in poking holes in her recovery?

Just when Montserrat thought she was about to get an answer, the rest of the squad arrived. She did her best to hide her disappointment, but maybe she didn't do a very good job in those first seconds because Olivia kept giving her strange looks.

"Looking strong, Olivia," Fin offered the Sergeant an encouraging smile.

"You all came," Olivia was truly surprised they'd go to the trouble of coming all together on the day that each would testify at different hours.

"We got your back, Liv," Nick reminded her.

Rafael emerged from the trial room and was thoroughly confused to find the whole group there. "What are you people doing here? You know you can't watch the trial. You're all witnesses."

"We're here for moral support," Amanda assured him they knew the rules.

"And Montse and I are going to be there for all of it," Sonny gestured to himself and the ginger still sitting on the bench. His words of support weren't as good since said woman seemed to be staring to the side.

Her mind had gotten to somewhere else.

"Montse?" Olivia was the one to bring Montserrat back to the present. The sergeant rose from the bench and held a hand out for Montserrat.

Realizing she'd lost reality for a second, Montserrat cleared her throat and got on her feet. "Sorry, yes. Ready?"

Olivia slowly nodded and glanced at the others to reiterate she was alright.

"Counselor, don't mess this one up," Fin told Rafael, as if the latter was thinking of it.

"I was gonna tell you the same thing," he quipped then shot the rest of the squad a sharper look. "Remember why we're here." His look lingered on Montserrat for her obvious unresponsive self.

Least she wasn't a witness this time.

~ 0 ~

As far as Montserrat could see, Lewis William was a manipulative, calculating man. He had a terrible scar that curved the left side of his face - a scar that Olivia had allegedly left on him. When Lewis would walk - because oh yes, as a last way to taunt Olivia he had decided to defend himself - he would purposely make a bigger limp than what it really was. He didn't fail to mention the fact the NYPD Had a vendetta against him while he interrogated Finn and Amanda.

By the time Lewis got to cross-examine Nick, both Montserrat and Sonny had learned that he was a conniving man hellbent on making it look like the NYPD was framing him and covering up that Olivia was the one to initiate a relationship with him.

"So, it's impossible to know conclusive who actually shot that officer, isn't it?" Lewis knew very well he had murdered an officer but the jury didn't, and as far as he was concerned they would believe Olivia could've had a hand in it.

Nick was barely holding himself to just glare at the man. "Oh, there's no way she did it. She was duct taped, lying on the car floor."

"Again, that's what she told you?"

"Yes,"

There was a moment of silence that passed by before Lewis would ask another question. "Do you remember the first time that you and detective Benson interrogated me? How would you characterize her demeanor? was she physically close? Flirtatious? Did she seem aroused when I spoke to her?"

Nick despised Lewis even more at that moment, because no matter how he would answer it would make Olivia look bad. "She may have acted provocatively, but that was for your benefit. During an interrogation, you role-play."

"Is rape considered a sexual act amongst SVU detectives?"

"No, it's not about sex. It's about power, control, humiliation…"

"So why, in your opinion, when your partner was questioning me about rape, did she sexualize the interrogation?"

"It's a technique to find a way to connect to the suspect," Nick answered almost through gritted teeth.

"Well, I would say it worked," Lewis turned in time to see Rafael practically slam his pen on the desk in anger. With a smirk, Lewis said, "Withdrawn."

As soon as the trial was finished, Montserrat was the first to get up to go. She felt revulsion for that man, sick to her stomach, so she knew how Olivia was feeling at the moment.

"You should go home," Montserrat advised Olivia once they were in the hallway. For the case's benefit, the rest of the squad except for her and Sonny had departed the moment they were finished testifying. "Try to do something to get your mind off this for a bit."

"Not gonna tell me to get some rest?" Olivia asked since that was what everyone always told her in the early days after the kidnapping..

"No, that never works in the beginning," Montserrat said far too quickly and too matter-of-factly. Olivia once again felt there was something this detective was keeping back. It felt as if Montserrat knew what she was talking about.

"That was awful," Sonny was telling Rafael as the two walked out of the trial room.

"But fixable," Rafael said with utter confidence. He expected such manipulations from Lewis but he was confident that he would outsmart this man no matter what. "Liv, you should go get some rest-"

"-don't tell her get rest, it won't work," Montserrat all but practically snapped at him. She looked mighty distressed for someone who'd only sat in on the trial.

Olivia placed a hand on Montserrat's arm and nodded at Rafael. "I will try, but...you know it'll be difficult to sleep for the next couple of weeks."

"Just try," Rafael persisted. "And Novak, maybe you should consider it too since you're all riled up."

Montserrat momentarily glared until she realized he was right. It wasn't her place and it certainly wasn't her right to be upset. Olivia was the one who needed all the support right now. She was the one who would have to face her attacker soon, the one who would have to talk to him...look at him…

The moment her face went pale was instantaneous. Now she truly looked sick. "I'll see you. Take it easy Olivia," she said in a quick blue before turning to leave.

There was mutual confusion as well as concern between the remaining three.

~ 0 ~

The last thing Casey Novak was expecting that night was for her cousin to knock on her apartment door.

"I need you," Montserrat uttered the three words nearly in tears.

Casey might not have had the context she needed to figure out what led Montserrat to her door, but she was pretty sure what it was ABOUT about. She brought her cousin inside and took her to the living room where Montserrat opened the floodgates of her problem for the day.

"And I know it's not my case, it's not my trial, but it's making me remember what I went through last year," Montserrat spoke rather fast but Casey was used to the speedy relaying of information.

The two cousins sat on the couch, Montserrat draped under a blanket Casey brought for her. It was their comfort blanket each had held in their worst moments.

"It's Olivia's case and I should be a better friend who puts aside their trauma to help them," Montserrat drew in a shaky breath. "But I can't. It's literally against me. It's been almost a year, why is it still affecting me like this?"

"Well-" Casey tried to answer but Montserrat wasn't finished rambling.

"I've done everything right. I've moved cities, I've found new friends, a new job. I got a therapist and I've gone to each of my sessions. I've tried being happy and making better, new memories so why is this happening?" by the time Montserrat finished her question, new tears had spilled down her face.

"It's a long, long process Montserrat," Casey spoke in a gentle tone. "I've seen victims take years to fully recover, but even then there's always going to be a wound."

"So I'm just going to relapse every few years?"

"What you're feeling doesn't mean that you're undoing all of your progress," Casey first said to make sure Montserrat understood she wasn't doing anything wrong. "You were violated and that is a traumatic event that will, on occasion, cause these moments of pain. It's normal. You're human, Montse."

Montserrat sniffled. "I'm a detective, I can't afford these moments."

"As a lawyer, I advise you not to bottle it up. It's good that you're talking it out with someone," Casey offered a kind smile for her cousin.

Montserrat thought back to her therapist's suggestion and even when she'd asked Olivia her thoughts about talking with people. "But I'm supposed to be supporting Olivia right now."

Casey understood what Montserrat meant, and even though she loved Olivia she had to think about her family first. "Maybe you can support her outside of the trial room." The suggestion didn't seem to sit well with Montserrat. "It's obvious that this Lewis case is bringing up memories and feelings. If Olivia knew about this, she would understand. But even without the knowledge of your rape, she won't be upset if you don't show up to the trial."

Montserrat brought a hand to her forehead. "I'm supposed to be her moral support. Now I'm becoming the one who needs the support?"

"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Montserrat," Casey said in a sharp, almost warning, tone. "You need your time too. And let me put it in a way that might get me to understand: if you're not at your best, then can you really support Olivia?"

Well, that she understood.

~0~

While the trial continued, Montserrat listened to Casey's advice and stayed away from the trial for a few days. She decided there was perhaps another way she could support Olivia.

She rarely visited Family court and it was honestly not a place you wanted to be at so much. It just brought back too many memories, too many decisions that she would rather forget. but this was a better way to support Olivia without harming herself in the process.

She took a seat in one of the empty benches and listened to the hearing of Baby Boy Doe.

A social worker was giving her rendition of a finished investigation concerning Baby Boy Doe, and it seemed like things could be getting better for this baby. "Your Honor, ACS have thoroughly conducted an examination of a new Foster home for baby boy doe. It is our belief that baby boy doe would be well cared for by these Foster parents."

The judge herself seemed rather relieved this was the case. She looked over her copy of the paperwork the social worker was reading from and gave a conclusive nod. "Let's hope so, Miss Carlisle. This would be Baby Boy Doe's fourth home in the past 5 months. I grant the motion to place Baby Boy Doe in the care of the Walkers." The judge slammed her mallet over her desk and adjourned the court.

Montserrat rose from her seat and moved towards the social worker before the latter could leave. "Excuse me, I'm detective Novak," she flashed her badge then put it away, "My sergeant, Olivia Benson, sent me in her place today to see how the case was going."

the mention of Olivia's name seemed to ease the social worker. Clearly, they knew each other. "Sergeant Benson, yes we've talked. Is she okay?"

"Um…" Montserrat was surprised that the social worker didn't know about the ongoing trial, but she wasn't going to tell her either. "She just couldn't make it. She's very attached to this baby."

Miss Carlisle agreed with a nod while she finished packing her things. "Yes. She's the one who found him."

"I heard. So is this new home really the best one for this baby? I just heard from Olivia that he's been moved quite a lot for the few months he's been in ACS custody."

"Yes," Miss Carlisle side. She moved around once in awhile and started walking towards the accident the room. "we've had to move him for safety reasons. There was one home that was already housing more foster kids than we realized. Then there was another one that wasn't as safe as we thought. The third one actually gave him a fungal disease so we need to immediately get him out of there."

"Poor baby," Montserrat said. She followed Miss Carlisle into the hallway. "Listen, I don't know if usually do this...but because Olivia wasn't here I was wondering if you could give me the new address of this baby."

Miss Carlisle offered a nervous smile. "I'm not sure that's really in protocols."

"Well, it's just as you said...my sergeant was the one who found this baby so she's pretty attached to him. I'm sure it would make her really happy if she could just visit the baby. Unless if you think the Foster family wouldn't like that…"

"No, no, I don't think they would mind. It's just not really seen as much…"

"My sergeant isn't like the others," Montserrat subtly insisted.

Miss Carlisle looked around the hallway that was pretty empty save for them. "Well...I suppose it wouldn't hurt anyone. Would you have time to come by my office?"

"Of course," Montserrat smiled and gestured for her to lead the way out.

[katmstanton]

Fatherhood - Ch. 24

Okay so the court session was way too long and I had to break it up a bit. 

Tags: @obfuscateyummy @madpanda75 @mrsrafaelbarba @sweetsummertime99 @julie-yard @surrealdiaries @esparza-army @ctfarhan @dreila03 @msnyc @theoofoof @tiredrainbi

Chapter 24:

As the hearing began Olivia could feel the shift of the court towards Rafael’s favor, especially after Carisi’s statements. As she listened to Ms. Fisher’s opening statements she felt a presence not only behind her but also beside her.

As she glanced to her right and behind her she saw Fin moving to sit next to her while Amanda sat behind her, smiling as they sat with her.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“We wanted to be here for you and for Barba and Jake.” Amanda whispered as she squeezed Olivia’s shoulder.

“Plus, I wanted to see Carisi try to out-lawyer Barba.” Fin remarked.

His words caused the three of them to smile and chuckle. When he heard Fin’s words, Rafael turned and give a raised eyebrow at the remark and Jake to cough while trying not to laugh.

Her ears perked up when she heard Ms. Fisher call Ms. Fields to testify. She grabbed Fin’s hand for support as Ms. Fields moved to the front of the room. She knew this is where the court would hear about Rafael’s “anger problems” and possibly the letters Jake wrote when he first arrived.

“Ms. Fields, will you explain to us why we are here today?”

“Of course. Jacob came into foster care after the death of his mother, Cynthia Anderson. At that time, there was no legal guardian or any other family members able to care for Jacob. However, after he was in care, we did locate a putative father, Mr. Rafael Barba, and Jacob was placed in his home on a trial basis.”

“Thank you. How would you describe Jacob?”

“He is a very bright young man with an incredible future. He excels in his school work and has matured well past his age. He is a quiet young man who I am very proud of.”

“How would you describe the initial meeting with Mr. Barba?”

“The initial meeting was .. tense.”

“What do you mean by ‘tense?’”

Olivia watched as Ms. Fields fiddled with her hands before looking at Jake and continuing. As she testified and as Ms. Fisher asked questions Rafael, Carisi, and Langan all wrote notes. She could see Rafael nudging Carisi, pointing at his notes get him to follow his thoughts.

If she didn’t know any better she would swear Langan, Rafael, and Carisi has planned everything to revolve around Carisi being the one to actually talk.

It was as if they had agreed for Rafael to be a silent chair but have Carisi to follow his lead and notes while also allowing Carisi to do what he wanted with the information and be his own lawyer.

It was a sign of trust Rafael was giving him as this was not only his own life in the young lawyer’s hand but also the future of his son. While she knew Rafael would never acknowledge it, she knew there was a mutual understanding between the two men.

“Upon initial contact with Mr. Barba he was very vocally irate about the situation and about Jacob. He proceeded to yell profanities both in English and in Spanish. Although, I am unable to state what he stated exactly in Spanish as I do not speak the language but based off his remarks in English I assumed they continued as he spoke both languages.”

“So he yelled and used profanities in front of you and Jacob?”

“Yes. However, Jacob did move to another room with Lieutenant Benson who had accompanied us to Mr. Barba’s residence.”

“Did anything else happen during the initial meeting?”

“Mr. Barba became very upset and angry not only towards Jacob’s presence but also to myself as I attempted to speak with him further about Jacob and of the reasons why he came into foster care.”

“Ms. Fields, did you feel threatened by Mr. Barba?”

Before she answered she looked not only to Rafael but also made eye contact with Olivia. As she did Olivia glanced at not only Rafael but also Jake. Jake was making a note for Langan to review while Rafael was staring straight at Ms. Fields with a piercing look.

“If looks could kill…” Olivia thought to herself as Fin gently squeezed her hand.

“During the first visit with Mr. Barba as his residence, yes. I felt that I was unwelcome and that my well-being was being threatened.”

“Ms. Fields, are you asking the court to grant Mr. Barba custody of Jacob?”

“No I am not.”

“Thank you, Ms. Fields. No further questions, your honor.”

As Ms. Fisher moved towards her table Olivia watched as the three lawyers in front of her looked at each other before Langan spoke.

“Your honor, I would like to reserve the right to ask the witness questions.”

“Granted. Mr. Carisi. Mr. Barba. Do you have any questions for the witness?”

Carisi stood and buttoned his jacket as he spoke.

“Yes, your honor. Thank you.”

As Carisi moved from behind the table she watched as Rafael tried to get him to look at something on the paper but Carisi shook his head and moved past him as he started his line of questioning.

“Good morning, Ms. Fields.”

“Good morning.”

“Ms. Fields, please take the court back to the day when Jake entered foster care. What efforts did you employ to look for any relatives for Jake?”

“As I testified, Jacob came into care due to very unfortunate circumstances and, due to having no guardian, he entered care abruptly.”

“Ms. Fields, that is not what you testified to only minutes ago.” Carisi stated as he moved to pick up his notepad off the table.

“You stated, and I quote, ‘Jacob came into foster care after the death of his mother, Cynthia Anderson. At that time, there was no legal guardian or any other family members able to care for Jacob.’”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Fields, has there been a DNA test completed for Jake and Mr. Barba?”

“Yes. Mr. Barba had one completed by the NYPD for him and Jacob.”

“What were the results of the DNA test?”

“The results confirmed that Mr. Barba was, in fact, the biological father of Jacob.”

“So, if Mr. Barba was a named father and is in fact been proven to be a biological father for Jake. Doesn’t that mean he was a viable family member and could have taken custody of Jake at the onset of the case instead, of Jake entering foster care?”

“I cannot testify to that information. I would have to discuss it with my supervisor.”

“Right.”

As Carisi returned the notepad to the desk and took a second for a sip of water she watched as he pointed to the paper for Rafael’s input before proceeding.

“Ms. Fields, you testified to Mr. Barba being verbally aggressive towards you and possibly towards Jake. You also testified to feeling threatened by Mr. Barba. Is that correct?”

“Yes it is.”

“Ms. Fields if you felt so threatened and you felt that Mr. Barba was not appropriate to not only carry on a conversation with you but also to care for Jake why did you not call for help by Lieutenant Benson, a member of the NYPD.”

Before Ms. Fields could answer the question Carisi followed up his question with another.

“Ms. Fields, if you felt so threatened and felt uncomfortable with being in the same room with Mr. Barba, why did you leave alone?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Why did you leave alone? Why did you leave the apartment without Jake? If you, an adult who can defend one’s self, felt threatened don’t you think a child, who cannot defend themselves, would have also felt threatened?”

“I do not know.”

“As a social worker don’t you have to protect a child, a minor, from any dangers and monitor their safety and well being?”

“Yes.”

“Wouldn’t the dangers of  ‘anger management’ and ‘threatening behavior’ warrant the removal of a child from neglect or abuse?”

“Yes. That is correct.”

“So why did you leave alone and leave Jake in a home you felt was filled with anger management issues and threatening behavior?”

Olivia could swear she could hear a pin drop in the courtroom as Carisi looked at Ms. Fields waiting for an answer. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Rafael twirling his pen while also holding a satisfied smirk on his face. The type of smirk a teacher or professor would hold when they are proud of their student.

“No further questions at this time, your honor. However, I would like to reserve the right to reexamine the witness.”

“Granted. Let’s take a 10 minute recess.” The Judge stated as he hit his gavel.

[katmstanton]

Fatherhood - Ch. 2

What happens when Ms. Fields and Barba talk? How will he handle the conversation?

Tags: @mrsrafaelbarba @madpanda75 @obfuscateyummy @sweetsummertime99 @julie-yard @dreila03 @esparza-army @surrealdiaries @tiredrainbi

Chapter 2:

“¿Qué quieres decir con que tengo un hijo?”

Barba yelled and rambled in Spanish louder than he meant to as he and Ms. Fields stood in the entryway of the apartment. She did not know what to say back and instead handed him the file in her hand showing him the documents.

“His mother passed away and left this and a will leaving everything to him through you. Her letter states the two of you dated briefly and she never attempted to reach out to you and never tried to let you know about Jacob when he was born.”

Ms. Fields explained as she followed Barba to the table. He was too focused on the documents and the will in front of him to hear anything she said to him. Instead, he read the letter three times and read the will twice.

“How - What - I have a son that I didn’t know about?! She kept him from me! She fu-“

“We still need to do a DNA test to verify paternity.”

She interjected him before he could start to yell again. She had never met him before and was concerned for the temper and anger she was witnessing and did not know what he would do if he continued to get upset.

“However, with the letter and how her will was set up regarding Jacob’s care and well being there’s very little we can do legally unless you deny the will and pursue a judge to nullify it. In the eyes of the law you are his guardian. We would have to transfer custody to you since he did enter foster care prior to this information being brought to us.”

She watched him for a few moments as he sat glaring at the papers in front of him. She did not know what to say or even if he would let her talk as she saw the veins in his hands grow the harder he clenched and saw the vein in his neck and brow raise as he glared at the papers.

His mind was racing and he had no idea what he wanted to do or even what he should do. He remembered Jacob’s mother very vaguely. All he remembered was going out a few times and having a few hookups. There was nothing serious or long term in the short relationship and he never thought of her again. Until now. He did not know how long he sat thinking before Ms. Fields spoke up.

“Our judge has ruled that Jacob is able to stay with you while the paternity test and legal paperwork is completed in order to officially transfer custody to you. That is, if you wanted him to stay here. If not, he will go back upstate with me and return to the group home.”  

Barba’s head snapped up at her with a look of pure hatred and vengeance. There was no way he would force Jacob back to a group home and back into a world of being an orphan. Whether or not Jacob was his biologically he knew Jacob deserved more in life than being bounced between homes and orphanages.

“He will stay here.”

Barba stared at her with fire in his eyes and all she could do was nod in agreement.

“The next availability for a DNA test isn't for another month -“

“-I’ll get it done here by Monday.” He interjected her.

“Mr. Barba, I know you are anxious to know the results but there is a process and we are not able to get it done before the scheduled time.” Ms. Fields replied getting annoyed at his attitude.

“Ms. Fields, I am the ADA for Manhattan. I work with the NYPD, FBI, and Homeland Security everyday. I do not need a lecture in government bureaucracy. I live it everyday.”

He continued to glare at her and her attitude of Jacob and him.

“We would not be able to cover the costs if the test is not conducted in -”

“I do not care about the financial costs and I do not believe it is Jacob’s best interest to hold him in limbo for another 30 days plus just to wait on a simple test. I will get it done by Monday and will make sure you get the results as soon as they are available.” He stated very matter-of-factly with a snide attitude.

Ms. Fields nodded at her as he spoke before writing the information down in her notebook. He gave her the information for where he would get the DNA test completed. She did not miss the attitude or cynicism in his words and voice when he spoke but chose to not call him out on it.

“Does he have a lawyer or someone who is acting on his behalf during this whole process?”

“Not yet. The state is setting him up one but they haven’t been selected yet.”

The fire returned to his eyes as she spoke. He was not a family lawyer and was not as familiar with the juvenile code as he should be but he did know Jacob should have already had a lawyer assigned to him.

“No need. He will have representation as of Monday. I will have it arranged myself. No need to worry about how it will be paid for as well.. Not like you were worried about that in the first place seeing as he did not have anyone upstate either.”

She did not even try to say anything and instead nodded her head as she noticed his clenched fists. She was more aggravated with him the more he spoke but did not want to have him yell. She did continue to have concerns for his temper but decided to discuss it at another time.

As the two stared at each other the doorbell rang and Olivia walked into the room with them.

“Excuse me guys.. Just going to get the pizza.”

Olivia could feel the tension in the room before she fully entered it. If she did not know any better she would think the two were discussing how to end every conflict in the world at the same time with how much stress they both had. As Olivia paid for the pizza she heard Ms. Fields speak up once again.

“Okay. Well.. here is the paperwork showing that he is in our custody but you are the caregiver. This will allow you to care for him and provide any and all services for him while we wait on everything legally to resolve. My card is also attached in case you need me for anything.” Ms. Fields stated as she handed him another file from her bag.

“He did bring his things but I should warn you there is very little he had and most of what he had at his mother’s is gone due to unforeseen circumstances when his mother passed.”

Olivia looked at Rafael and saw the fire in his eyes start to die down and both of them shared a sympathetic smile between them as they looked at the small duffle bag by the door.

“We will make sure he gets anything he needs just let me know the costs and we can get it to you.” Ms. Fields stated and he looked at her with fire in his eyes.

“He is not a price tag. He is a human being. A child who lost his mother and all his possessions. We will make sure he has anything and everything he needs. No need to worry about that.”

“Ms. Fields did you want to join us for some pizza?” Olivia asked as she tried to lessen the tension between everyone.

“No thank you. I actually need to hit the road but I would like to talk to Jacob first.” She said and went towards the kitchen where Jacob was, leaving Olivia and Barba alone in the dining room.

“What is going on?”

Rafael stared at the ceiling longer than she thought was possible. Olivia allowed him space as she watched him stare. She watched the fire in his eyes change to sadness and anger towards himself. She watched as his back and shoulders tensed further before he spoke.  

“A son.” He started to say as he looked at her with tears in his eyes.

“I have a son. Olivia. A son I never knew existed, never knew about, never provided for, never protected, never -“ She stopped him and pulled him into a hug and let him quietly sob in her hair as she held him.

Her heart broke as he mumbled things about him being like his own father and that he should have been there for Jacob and that he is angry at himself for not knowing.

“Rafi you didn’t know. You still don’t know until you get the DNA test back. But for now, what are you wanting to do?”

“He is staying here. Even if he isn’t mine I am obligated to care for him and I won't send him back to a group home Liv.” He stated and Olivia smiled and nodded at him already knowing what he was going to do without him actually saying it.

“What do you need from me?”

He smiled and took her hand not needing to say anything as they could carry on a full conversation without actually using words.

“Still have Langan’s number?” He asked and Olivia gave him a questioning look.

“Jacob needs a good lawyer and I am not qualified for family court and he needs the best.”