#ch: rafael barba

[saiilorstars]

Ch. 60: The Waiting Game

Previous chapters // Montserrat’s masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing: Rafael Barba x OC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocappreciationtag​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @arrthurpendragon​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @anotherunreadblog​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @stareyedplanet​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @averyhotchner​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @abzidabzy​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @hellofutur​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @foxesandmagic​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xovalliegirlxo @sam-i–am @kmc1989 @midmourn @choosejoyangel​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

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When Montserrat woke up from her Nyquill-induced nap, she very quickly realized she slept way more hours than she intended to. It was past noon, almost four. Granted she was truly well rested but that was not the point. She still felt mentally exhausted and wasn't equipped for what had to come next. She had to finally call Lucia and tell her what happened — it was the worst conversation she ever had with the woman. Lucia was livid with Montserrat, to say the least.

"How could you not tell me before!? Why are you barely telling me!?"

Montserrat could barely give her reasons when Lucia went on a rampage in the Spanish and English language to the point where Montserrat couldn't dream of understanding. The only thing Montserrat managed to hear was that Lucia was on her way to the hospital and pretty much cut all ties with his son's girlfriend.

Great. That would be fun explaining to Rafael when he woke up. It was definitely about the last thing he needed in his life right now. After that, Montserrat soon found out that somehow Casey had gotten involved with the whole thing.

"Yeah, that was my fault," Kara said with a hand raised in the air. "I suggested it."

"Why?" Montserrat couldn't understand what a robbery had to do with her cousin at the moment. Then again, she was only really thinking with about a 50% capacity.

Kara understood her mistake too late and was left squandering for a reasonable excuse (otherwise this time Sonny would have a true reason to kill her). "Well, uh, Casey's another prosecutor and she'll maybe take the case? If they find the guy?"

"It's just not her case yet," Montserrat insisted, although it seemed like the heat was now going more towards the situation rather than Kara (or Casey for that matter). "Nobody's been murdered."

"And it'll stay like that," Kara jumped on the chance to provide actual support to her friend. It was hard thinking this could turn into a homicide case rather than attempted murder. "You'll see."

Montserrat would've been more convinced if she didn't have other things on her mind. She kept getting voice-mail for Lucia's number, only reiterating how angry the woman was with her.

"She'll come around," Kara kept insisting as well, "She's stunned, like you were when you first got the call. It's just different. She's his mother, after all. Give her some days."

Montserrat nodded only because there was nothing else she could do, but it didn't mean it wasn't nagging at her in the meantime. "I need to go back to the hospital," she told Kara after lunch. She did Kara the solid of sticking around for that mealtime but it was about all she would do now. She'd been away from the hospital for way too long.

"What are you talking about? It's only been a couple hours," Kara pointed out. She would rather Montserrat stay for a bit more until she was less anxious and stressed.

"It's past noon now!"

"So?" Kara would love to hear an adequate reason why the time even mattered. "Montserrat, you need to rest."

"I already did!" Montserrat exclaimed. "Way more than I planned!"

Kara's eyes flickered to the side for a moment. The nyquil was still under wraps. Her phone started ringing and seeing it was Sonny, she urged Montserrat to wait for another 5 minutes. "Just let me take the call and see what's happened, okay?"

Montserrat groaned. "Fine! But I am leaving as soon as you're done, with or without you!"

Kara nodded and hurried to take the call. Montserrat took the first seconds to try and calm herself down. She didn't want to actually fight with Kara, not with anyone for that matter. They were all walking on eggshells around her already, thinking she was a ticking time bomb. It was hard staying afloat not knowing what the next day would bring, or even the next hour. Tears stung get eyes just thinking about the uncertainty.

Hearing the knock on the door somehow startled her greatly. She went to open it, presuming it would be Sonny on the other side only to find her father instead.

"Dad!" She gasped, stumbling back a step.

"Montserrat, how — woah! What's happened to you?" Thomas of course referred to his daughter's face of anguish.

Immediately, Montserrat whirled around, eyes wide as she took a few steps away from her father. She tried wiping her eyes quickly. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"I got the day off and since it's been a while, I thought we could have lunch,, but..." Thomas trailed off, reaching forward for his daughter's shoulder. He gently turned her around and saw the same face as before, only this time it was slightly redder from the fervent rubbing at the eyes. "Now I'm seeing it's longer than I thought. Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Dad," Montserrat shook her father's hand off her shoulder. "Just a rough day, that's all."

"No, no, no," Thomas shook his head, "Don't try to kid me. I know you, Montserrat. You've been crying and it looks like it's been going on for a while. What's happened?"

"Nothing, sheesh!" Montserrat exclaimed. Of course she would've been more convincing if her voice hadn't shaken towards the end. How the hell am I a detective? "Look, I can't do lunch today. Can we schedule another day?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Thomas declared, crossing his arms, "It looks like you've got explaining to do, young lady."

Montserrat glared at her father. This was the last thing she needed right now. Despondence, anxiety, and anger mixed into one did not bode well for anybody in the room. "Dad, I don't have time for this. Can we do this another day, please?"

Thomas raised an eyebrow at his daughter. Usually it was all he needed to warn her she was crossing a line with him.

She still knew that.

But she didn't back down this time.

"You've got 5 seconds to tell me what's going on with you," Thomas warned. "Five…four…"

Montserrat gawked at her father with incredulity. "Dad, you can't treat me like I'm five—"

"Three…two—"

"Dad, seriously!"

"One—"

"I SAID STOP!" Montserrat unintentionally yelled at her father.

Thomas was dumbfounded with such a frantic reaction from his daughter. Tears were coming to Montserrat's eyes and though it was partially out of guilt, there was something deeper going on. "Montserrat," he tried again, softly, "Sweetheart, what's—"

"Can you just go? I'm actually leaving right now too," Montserrat gestured to the door behind Thomas. "I have to—"

"Montserrat!" Kara called from the hallway seconds before emerging. "Sonny says he'll be by in 15 and he can take us to the hospital."

"Hospital!?" Thomas exclaimed.

Kara's eyes widened. She had no idea they were no longer alone. "Oops…"

Montserrat let out a heavy sigh. "Dad—"

"Why do you need to go to the hospital!?" Thomas started demanding. "Are you hurt?" He went to check himself but Montserrat swatted his hands away.

"Dad, stop!"

"Why do you need to go!? Do you feel alright? What am I saying — it's obvious you're not feeling well! You've been crying!"

"She has," Kara agreed solemnly.

"KARA!" Montserrat said loudly enough to make Kara flinch. "SHUT UP!"

"Don't yell at Kara like that," Thomas reprimanded his daughter, "Answer my question. Why are you going to the hospital right now?"

"Because…" Montserrat racked her head for a good answer that wouldn't give away such a terrible situation.

"Are you hurt?"

"No!"

"Then why—"

"Oh, just stop!" Montserrat resorted to pleading, something downright shocking to her father. "Please! Just stop!" Tears rolled down her cheeks as the weight of each of her problems finally culminated into one heavy load on her shoulders. "I'm not hurt! At least not physically because trust me, everything else right now hurts! I'm going to the hospital because my boyfriend's there because he's been shot, okay!? He's been shot and he hasn't woken up since it happened and I want to be there when he does — if he does! Now please stop berating me and just—" Montserrat ran into her father's arms where she finally burst into tears.

Thomas was utterly stunned. For the first couple of seconds, nothing of what Montserrat said had sunk in so while she hugged him, his arms were awkwardly on either side of him. Eyes wide, mouth hanging open, he met Kara's gaze. She nodded to confirm everything Montserrat had said. Her grim expression helped sell it too.

"When...when did you get a boyfriend?" Thomas looked down at his daughter but at the question, Montserrat only whimpered and retreated further into him, desperate to be hugged back. Thomas slowly did so, bringing one hand over her back and the other behind her head. "O-okay, um…that's...that's...bad..." He sighed. He was terrible when it came to things like these. Montserrat's teenage years had been quite an adventure in terms of boyfriends and dating but now at 30? He didn't know which age was worse. "I'm—I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he ultimately said, "Really. I — how did this happen?"

Montserrat pulled away to take a deep breath. Her face was stained with tears. "A robbery. The guy was trying to rob the shop Rafael was at and then he just shot...he shot…"

Kara remained absolutely silent and lowered her head. It killed her to keep the truth of the situation a secret from Montserrat. But if she knew the truth, it would make her feel even worse, she reminded herself.

"Okay, okay," Thomas cupped Montserrat's face, "Wipe those tears. We can go to the hospital right now."

"You'd come with me?" Montserrat sniffed. "You're not mad I didn't tell you—"

"It does not matter right now," Thomas said, "Besides, you're a grown woman — as tough as that is to deal with — and you can make whatever choices you want."

"I was going to tell you. That's why I asked about having dinner, remember?"

Thomas nodded. "Yeah, and I told you I was going out on a trip for a whole month. Okay, that was my fault then."

"Dad, you would really like him. I mean, he's sort of a smart-ass but then again so is Gael."

Thomas let out a low laugh. "Oh, is it just Gael?"

"Of course, why do you ask?"

Thomas barely held his next laugh in. "Right." He gave Montserrat a kiss on the forehead. "Are you ready to go?"

Montserrat nodded fairly quickly. "Yes, please, let's go!"

"Kara?" Thomas looked at the blonde behind them.

Kara waved them off with a hand. "I'll wait for my boyfriend. He was already on his way. Plus, I think there'll be a lot of talking done on that drive."

Thomas wholeheartedly agreed with her. His eyes drifted over to Montserrat who had the energy to appear more nervous than before. "Ready?"

Montserrat wasn't so sure anymore. Still, a ride to the hospital meant she would practically do anything.

~0~

Thomas started slowly, cautiously, and for that Montserrat appreciated but it didn't make things any less awkward nor tense.

"Dating your co-worker — isn't that against the rules?" Thomas wondered out loud. He stopped at an upcoming red light, giving him the opportunity to glance at his daughter.

Her tear-stained face was finally getting a glimpse of light. She had stopped crying for the moment — she just needed to clean her face.

"Not if you disclose," she answered quietly, "Which we did."

"Ah, okay, um...when was that?"

"Dunno, two months ago? Time sort of blurred…"

"Time 'blurred'?" Thomas let out a small chuckle.

Montserrat glanced at him, eyebrows knitted together. "What?" Her voice couldn't go any louder than a quiet tone. If not, she would've demanded the explanation.

"Nothing...it's just...usually when you feel like time has 'blurred', it's because you've been having a good time," Thomas explained. At the green light, he was no longer able to look at her.

Maybe it was for the best.

Montserrat shifted in her seat. She was not about to go into detail about her relationship to her father. "It's been different," she left it at that. It wasn't a lie but it didn't outright expose her either.

Thomas hummed. "I can see that. I've never seen you so distressed over someone like this."

"To be fair, none of my other boyfriends have ever been shot."

Thomas let out a small laugh. "True, but I also meant in general. I've noticed you've been more, uh, content lately. Because I don't know what made you leave behind your old job and place in Queens, but I know that you haven't been happy in a while. I like the change."

"I'm sorry for that," Montserrat mumbled, eyes downcast. However painful it was for her, she imagined it had to have been hard for her father as well. She wasn't the kindest to him in the beginning. She did what a victim typically does: push people away. She thought she did it perfectly. She left her old friends in Queens, her job. She put distance between her father, her brother, even her nieces, and Kara. She became a good liar, indeed.

"I wasn't expecting an apology," Thomas clarified, "And I certainly didn't need one. I'm your father. I just want to know that you're okay."

Montserrat smiled lightly. "I can tell you that before all of this, I was more than okay."

Thomas nodded. "I believe it. You were...happier, more than I'd seen you in a very long time. I would love to say that you were your old self again but it still isn't like that."

"Dad, I don't think I'll ever be the same as before," Montserrat said, figuring it was best to shatter that dream right now than let it keep going without a future. "But that's okay because the way I felt before all this, it was damn great." Her breathlessness was enough to take her word for it. It sounded like even she couldn't believe it.

Truthfully, sometimes she still couldn't.

It took very little for Montserrat to become accustomed to the idea of always feeling miserable on the inside and overall like she was simply floating through life. She had resigned herself to the idea that it would always be like that from now on. But things changed again and she couldn't be more grateful. It would be beyond cruel to lose it all again. Actually, Montserrat couldn't see herself getting past it all over again if she lost Rafael.

"No more tears," came Thomas' voice.

Montserrat snapped out of her thoughts to find there were new tears rolling down her cheeks. "Sorry," she sniffed, wiping the tears off with the backs of her hands.

"No need to be," Thomas told her, "I'm so sorry this is happening, sweetie. But let's have some faith that it'll be okay in the end."

"To be honest Dad…" Montserrat let out a low sigh, "I don't really do the 'faith' thing a lot anymore."

Thomas nodded silently. It wasn't much of a surprise. "The things you see at your job can't leave much hope in the world, I know."

"Mhm," Montserrat nodded. She could let her father believe it was all because of her job. It would be easier for him that way.

"But in times like these...who do you turn to for strength?" Thomas asked curiously. "People pray to God, or other saints or something. What do you pray to?"

"Nothing," Montserrat admitted. It had been a very long time since she turned to any type of religious prayer. She was non-practicing Catholic at this point. Don't tell Lucia. "Right now, I just think about Rafael and how he's strong enough to come back. You should see him in action, Dad. If I were that guy who shot him, I'd run. I've been on the receiving end a couple times and Rafael doesn't play. And I've only gotten a small taste of the real thing. He's scary. Ask Kara."

Thomas let out a small laugh. "Knowing you, you probably kept it going."

Montserrat nodded. "Hell yeah. He's not right until I say he's right." She shifted in her seat. "Although right now, I'd give anything to hear his smart-ass remarks. An argument. Anything."

Thomas stretched a hand out until he was able to find Montserrat's. "It'll be okay."

Montserrat didn't say much after that. She couldn't wait to see the end of the drive and be at the hospital again. Nick had tried sending her messages but it didn't look like the service in the hospital was doing so well. All his texts were coming in as 'incoming message'. It left Montserrat even more anxious. What if something happened while she was away!?

She practically ran through the hospital, leaving her father to do his best to keep up. "Nick!?" She called as soon as she saw the man in the waiting room. "Your messages weren't coming through! Did something happen?"

"Yeah," Nick nodded, eyes flickering past Montserrat to her father.

"That's my Dad," Montserrat said dismissively. She had no times for introductions right now. "What happened!? Is Raf—"

"He's awake," Nick thankfully cut Montserrat off. He presumed that she had assumed the worst with his answer.

The relief that washed over Montserrat was monumental and yet so short-lived. Nick didn't understand why.

"I wasn't here," she whispered, eyes falling, "I wasn't here for him. God — I told you people I shouldn't have left!"

"Montserrat, you needed to rest," Nick said, "Besides, he woke up like 15 minutes ago. His mom's in there with him right now." Apparently, he'd something really bad because Montserrat's face had paled to a ghostly shade.

"What?" She asked, sounding like she'd lost air as well. "N-n-n-n-no, tell me she just got here too. Please."

"Uuh…" Nick was utterly confused but he still had to answer with the truth and it was not what Montserrat wanted to hear. "She got here an hour ago."

"Crap," Montserrat let out a heavy sigh.

"Montserrat, what's wrong?" Thomas asked her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You should be happy!"

"I am," Montserrat clarified, "But you don't understand. Lucia got very upset with me because I didn't call her immediately when this happened. I called her this morning instead because I thought there was no reason she should lose sleep when I was already here, waiting to hear how the surgery went. She didn't agree. She thought she should've been notified immediately."

"Okay, well, that was then, this is now. Things will change now that Rafael's awake. She was probably very scared too."

"I bet she was," Montserrat agreed, "But she's Rafael's mother. Where do you think he gets his temper from?"

Nobody would answer her. It was better to stay quiet and to help move things along, Olivia arrived shortly afterwards. She'd gotten the call from the doctors themselves as was protocol.

"Is he capable of answering?" She asked the two detectives.

"He might be too tired to remember things right now," Nick said, "I was with him for 10 minutes and he barely said anything about what happened."

"Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it," Montserrat said. "And he shouldn't if he's not ready."

Olivia nodded with her. "Yes, but it's worth asking, don't you think?"

The detective in Montserrat would make her agree but the civilian side of her made her shake her head. That was the part of her that wanted everyone to stay the hell away from Rafael until he was all better.

"There's his mom," Nick said when he saw Lucia emerging from the hallway.

Montserrat immediately pressed her clothes down as if Lucia were going to point them out and add to her fuel against Montserrat. She made herself front front center when Lucia joined them.

"How is he?" She immediately asked the older woman. "Is he — is he talking? Does anything hurt?"

"He had a bullet in his body so yes, he is in pain," Lucia answered sharply enough to have Montserrat wincing each time.

"Excuse me," Thomas cut in just as Montserrat was about to go on. He moved around Nick and Olivia to stand beside his daughter. "There's no need to be that kind of rude. You're both stressed and frightened."

"And who are you?" Lucia demanded, eyebrow raising.

"This is my father," Montserrat said hastily, truly wanting to avoid any kind of confrontation.

"Thomas Novak," Thomas introduced himself, "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to my daughter like that."

Lucia didn't appreciate the tone used on her either. "Lucia Barba," she introduced herself in the same tone as Thomas, "And your daughter knows exactly why I'm upset." She crossed gazes with Montserrat.

"I'm sorry," Montserrat reiterated, sighing. "I didn't want you to go through a sleepless night. You nor Catalina."

"Don't take decisions that don't belong to you," Lucia retorted, "When it comes to my son, I need to be informed about everything that happens to him. I don't know why I didn't get the call in the first place. Do you?"

Montserrat lowered her head. She preferred not to answer for the moment.

"There's no need to argue," Olivia stepped in as well, "We all want the same thing, don't we? For Rafael to get better?"

"Of course," Lucia said incredulously. How dare they think otherwise?

"Okay," nodded Olivia, "Then I'd like to see him right now. I think Montserrat as well."

Montserrat nodded fervently. "I do," she said.

"Don't bother him with the unnecessary, please," Lucia warned as the two women started walking around her.

"I would never," Montserrat said sharply. "But I do want to catch whoever did this to him. And I will."

She followed Olivia down the hallway, preferring not to look back. She couldn't take whatever look Lucia must be giving her right now. She didn't have the head for it either.

"Montserrat," Olivia called twice before she was heard, "Forgive me for intruding but, have you taken some time for yourself with all this going on?"

"Are you kidding? I slept way more than I should have!" Montserrat exclaimed. "He woke up and I wasn't here!"

"I don't mean that," Olivia shook her head. "With this kind of stuff, I presume you would want to go see your therapist?"

"I don't have time for that!" Montserrat said dismissively. "I need to be here!"

Olivia suspected that mindset long before she got the courage to ask Montserrat. "It's important that you take care of yourself first. I'm sure Rafael would say the same thing."

It honestly didn't matter to Montserrat right now. She just wanted to reach the damn room herself and see with her own eyes that Rafael was awake. That's all she wanted. Olivia must have seen it because she didn't mention therapy again for the rest of the walk.

They didn't make a sound when they finally entered the room. If Rafael was really asleep, neither wanted to wake him. Questions would wait. But, as soon as they were in sight, Montserrat saw Rafael wide awake. He seemed a bit dazed but lucid enough to recognize them.

Montserrat forgot all about her conversation with Olivia and rushed forward. "Hii…" She said breathlessly, "You're still awake! You should be sleeping."

"I've done enough sleeping," Rafael muttered, sounding a lot more like himself than Montserrat (and Olivia) expected. He was definitely irritated enough to be himself.

Montserrat grinned widely at his response. She absolutely loved seeing him act like he usually would — it meant he was getting better! She reached for his hand, immediately gripping it. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I-I should've been, I know, but…"

Rafael watched Montserrat in a more dazed manner again — his mind went in and out with all the meds he was on.

This, Olivia presumed and since Montserrat seemed too upset with herself to notice, Olivia decided to cut in and help them both out. "Now, Montserrat, I think it's okay," she started slowly, watching Montserrat lower her head out of utter guilt, "You had to go home and rest too." Olivia looked at Rafael who was still trying to make sense of Montserrat's long ramble. "She was here all of last night and Carisi and Amaro and sent her home to sleep and eat."

"Well — why are you apologizing then?" Rafael glanced at Montserrat, eyebrows knitting together with confusion. "It's not like I noticed, right? I was in surgery. At least that's what my mother told me?"

"Is that all she told you?" Montserrat asked rather curiously and slightly worried. She grabbed a chair and sat down beside the bed.

"She said a lot of things but honestly, I tuned her out," Rafael drew in a breath, "The mess might be a blessing in disguise, you know."

"Ha…" Montserrat smiled lightly. That sounded a lot more like him. It truly relieved some of her anxiety. "Still, I'm really sorry. I did want to be here but I…I sort of overslept and…"

"I promise you that I am okay with that," Rafael said, smiling for the first time. "I don't want you forgetting about yourself because of me."

"I'm good, I promise," Montserrat assured, nodding her head fast. She brought their interlocked hands to her mouth, kissing his hand. "I just want you to be okay now. I've been a little crazy."

"A little?" Rafael's smile widened.

"Shut up," Montserrat said hushedly, letting out a small chuckle. She missed this so much. All the nerves were washing out as a familiar warmth flooded her insides.

At the same time, Olivia's phone started buzzing. "I'll be back," she told the two before taking the call.

Montserrat scooted her chair closer to the bed. She held onto Rafael's hand, still keeping her smile. This is all she wanted. Rafael was awake, seemingly recuperating and already taking jabs at her. In all her thoughts, she missed Rafael studying her. He noticed something he truly wished he hadn't. It led to his question.

"How are you?"

Montserrat blinked at first, puzzled with the question. "What — me?" She laughed. "Môj drahý, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine."

"I'm on some strong medication but I assume you just spoke Slovak but even then…I don't buy it," Rafael said, shaking his head. "You went crazy over me."

"You were shot," Montserrat said, still frazzled having to say that. "What did you think I would do? Happily pass the night with your scotch?"

"Did you save me some, by the way?"

"Rafael," Montserrat warned him not to play jokes right now. "You were shot. It's not funny."

"Oh, I'm not laughing at that," agreed Rafael, "But I am trying to lighten the mood here. I don't want you to worry about me."

"Not right now," Montserrat shook her head, "Don't ask me not to do that when you're here. You have no idea how scared I was when I got the call."

"They called you…" Rafael said, as if realizing something.

"Um, yeah…" Montserrat cleared her throat, "Why did the hospital call me first? Your mother, uh, she was pretty pretty confused about that too."

"Yeah…" Rafael nodded, "Uh…I was going to tell you sometime…definitely not here but…"

"I don't think I've ever heard you ramble so uselessly…" Montserrat laughed almost immediately after saying that.

Rafael deadpanned her for a straight minute while she laughed. "I think I deserve to be cut a little slack, right?"

Montserrat nodded as she did her best to sober from her laugh. "Of course, dear."

It was too late as Rafael was already properly annoyed. "You're my emergency contact," he said in a huff.

Montserrat gasped lightly then, eyebrows raising with pleasant shock. "Am I really?"

"Yes, but you're making me regret it—"

"No, no, I promise I'm good! That's nice to hear, I…" Montserrat could feel the familiar spread of butterflies in her stomach. "When did you…when did you decide to do that?"

"I don't know, a bit back? Is that — are you okay with that?"

"Of course! Yes!" Montserrat was a smiling mess, a deep difference from the past day. She leaned over, carefully, and pressed a kiss on Rafael's lips. "Thank you for that trust in me." There was something else she wanted to desperately say to him but she felt the timing was off and perhaps even imprudent on her part.

Even if Rafael said nothing of it, Montserrat still noticed the subtle scrunch of his nose and the twitch of his mouth every now and then from the pain he obviously felt. He just didn't want to tell her about it — it wasn't shocking for her. He barely got used to the idea of asking her for help in far less serious situations so this situation would require a lot more effort from his side and she wanted to make it as easy as possible for him.

"Do you need anything?" She asked him, "I don't know, like a drink or something? And by that I mean water, of course."

"Damn, and I was just about to ask you for some scotch…"

"I would smack you right now if you weren't hurt!" Montserrat sighed and shook her head. "So listen, I really hate asking you this right now but I need to help so…about that night…"

Rafael already started turning his head away from her. He knew exactly what was coming.

"Do you remember what happened?" Montserrat wanted to be as cautious as possible for his sake. It was physically painful enough and now he would have to deal with any mental trauma he suffered from that evening.

"...a little," he did answer albeit in a low mutter.

"Okay, um, well there is that cashier — Clara?"

At the mention of the young woman, Rafael immediately looked back at Montserrat. "Is she okay!?" He truly didn't remember much after hearing the sound of the gun firing. He was in and out of consciousness but he did have slight memories of the young woman terrified in the shop.

"Yes, she is," Montserrat nodded, smiling lightly. "Did you know she's a med student? I was told she helped keep you stable while the ambulance got to you guys. She called 911. I absolutely love her."

It was Rafael's turn to smile. "Should I be worried?"

Montserrat let out a weary sigh but her broad smile defeated any attempt to sound annoyed. "Shut up."

"I want to tell her thank you," Rafael said a moment later. "She was so scared. I may have yelled at her."

"Lots of people react differently in situations like those. It's a flight or fight thing — you chose fight, she chose flight. All involuntary of course. But please, don't ever choose to 'fight' with a robber."

"Oh, but you can?" Rafael countered on the spot. His smirk didn't help. "You carry — you do that for a living. The way you feel right now is what I always feel about you..."

"I know, I know," sighed Montserrat. This was a conversation she didn't like having because Rafael always had the right. His concerns were right, his points made sense.

Rafael gripped Montserrat's hand as much as he could, which wasn't very much if Montserrat was honest with him. She wouldn't tell him. "I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you this is something we can't control," he told her. "I'm sorry I worried you. I didn't…I didn't see the guy getting up…"

"So you do remember some things, then?"

"Yes…but it's still mostly fuzzy…" If there was one thing Rafael didn't want to do right now, it was having to lie to Montserrat. His gaze lowered to their interlocked hands, which fueled his reasons all over again. "I don't know what they put in my body but I couldn't even tell you my birthday right now."

Montserrat smiled sweetly at him. "I'll make a full list about you when you get home. We can go over it together." She scooted her chair even closer to the bed. "Because when you get out of here, you have two choices about what's going to happen."

"Oh, do I?" Rafael blinked, bemused with the revelation.

Montserrat nodded. "Yup. You have a bullet wound and you need to take care of it. You won't be able to move around so easily — you won't be working," she said the last part as a full on threat in case he had the idea of even discussing the matter. "So, when you get out of here, you can either come home with me where I can help you out."

"Not happening," Rafael said on the spot. "You live with Kara and by extension Carisi. Haven't I been through enough already?"

Montserrat deadpanned him for a short minute. She was honestly expecting a response like that. "Then your other option — and your only other one — is that I come stay with you at your place for a while."

"You'd be willing to do that?"

"Yes, of course. I want to help you and I can't do that if I'm at my own place."

"Montserrat, that's sweet of you and I appreciate it but I don't need help —"

"Yes, you do," Montserrat nodded. This was also something else she anticipated and was well prepared to handle. "Raf, you can't live by yourself right now. Until you can go up and down the stairs on your own, I will be staying with you."

"It's not that the idea of having you around isn't pleasant — because it is — but I don't need you giving up your time just to take care of me." Even as he said it out loud, Rafael thought it was ridiculous. "I can manage on my own. I always do."

"Tough luck because it's not just about you anymore," Montserrat countered with a wry smile, "To your misfortune, and mine, I like you very much. With all your sarcasm and hard attitude, but I like you."

Rafael rolled his eyes at Montserrat. It was, of course, nice to hear something like that but it still didn't take away the feeling of impotence either. There were many things out of his control and Rafael was not used to it.

"Montse—"

"Let me do this, please," Montserrat insisted earnestly. "You're right. I was dead worried about you and, yeah, I want to be close to you for the next couple days because of it. I promise I'll try not to bombard you, okay?" She squeezed his hand in hers. "Please?"

This was a battle he had already lost and Rafael knew it. For all he knew, half her things were already in his apartment. That's not the worst thing that could happen. No, no it absolutely wasn't. Rafael sighed. What he would have given for this conversation to be part of a much better situation than the one they were in right now.

"You can go back home anytime, alright?" He said, instantly earning a beam from Montserrat. "You don't have to stay more than you want and you definitely don't have to do anything for me."

"I don't understand how you graduated from Harvard. You're seriously so stupid," Montserrat said quite honestly, which prompted a hard deadpan from Rafael in return. Montserrat let out a laugh in the next second. "But I want you just the way you are! I missed it all!" She leaned over to give him another kiss. "I missed you," she whispered afterwards. "I know it's insane to say that when we saw each other — what, yesterday? — but I really did miss you so much."

Even while saying it, she still sounded so afraid like he would fall under again. Rafael felt so guilty even while knowing this was way out of his control.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," he insisted for her sake. He wished he could get up from the stupid bed and show her — ease her fear and worries. "I don't want you worrying anymore, okay? Calmada."

"I cannot be calm when you're in this situation," Montserrat promptly huffed. "You went ballistic when I had a scratch on my back! I have every right not to be calm about this. Who did this to you? Do you remember anything about the guy?"

Rafael's mind was slow with all the medication, so coming up with a good excuse was even harder than usual. Luckily for him, Olivia returned at that moment.

"Sorry, that was Rollins," the Sergeant said, "She and Fin are going through some possible witnesses." She approached the foot of the bed slowly, both hands in front of her. "Do you think you can give your statement right now?"

Rafael shifted, and in doing so felt a jab of pain on his side.

"Or we could wait…" Olivia said, mistaking his shift for uneasiness.

"I'm good," he said immediately. He glanced at Montserrat, and a moment later he was asking her: "Maybe I do need something after all."

Montserrat nodded. "Anything," she encouraged, "What do you need?"

"A damn glass of water," he said, "They pump meds all night and day and I don't get to eat anything. I'm so thirsty."

"I'll go see what I can do," Montserrat smiled slyly, "Flash my badge and all."

Rafael smiled at her. He knew very well that she would. "Thank you."

"Of course." Montserrat gave his hand a pat then stood up, turning to Olivia. "Keep an eye on him?"

"Oh yeah," Olivia pressed a finger to her cheek then pointed at Rafael.

Montserrat still left with some reluctance, especially when Olivia mentioned that Lucia was asking for her.

"My mother's still here?" Rafael asked, eyebrows raised.

Olivia nodded. "Oh yeah, she's made it clear she's not stepping away for a while."

"She should go home, like you all. I don't need babysitters," Rafael said, shaking his head.

"Oh no, you're not paying Montserrat with that coin when she's had to deal with your mother."

At Olivia's words, Rafael turned his head slightly. "What do you mean by that? Has she been giving Montserrat a hard time?" He wouldn't put it behind his mother given the situation.

Olivia reluctantly nodded. "Yeah. Novak made the call to inform your mother about the situation earlier in the morning. She didn't want Lucia going through a sleepless night like her, much less your grandmother. Lucia didn't like that."

"Is she kidding?" Rafael snapped, not at Olivia but at the situation. "She just told me she hasn't told my grandmother anything about this." He loved his mother, he did, but sometimes she could be a…

"Montserrat didn't tell you?" Olivia assumed with Rafael's reaction. "She probably didn't want to add to your stress."

"Of course," groaned Rafael, although he soon stopped when he discovered it hurt him. "I'll have a word with my mother."

"Sorry," Olivia said guiltily, "I didn't mean to…you know…"

"No, I'm glad you did," said Rafael sharply, "Because Montserrat wouldn't tell me." Nobody would make her life harder than it had to be, not if he could help it. "Don't even tell her that I know."

"Understood," nodded Olivia. "So, about the case…"

"I need you to do something for me," Rafael said out of the blue, startling Olivia.

"Uh, yeah, of course…" Olivia nodded slowly, "What-what do you need?"

Before answering, Rafael's gaze flickered to the door. Montserrat would be away for a while, hopefully. "I need you to close this case."

"Excuse me?" Olivia tilted her head, presuming she heard wrong.

"You heard me," Rafael said, meeting her gaze. "I want the case closed. Cold case, if it must be."

"I don't — I don't understand…" Olivia rubbed her temple, "You want us to…"

"Close the case, yes," Rafael nodded. 'That's exactly what I want you to do. It's my case, and that's what I'm asking for."

"Why?" Olivia never thought she would have to have this kind of conversation with him. If there's anyone who always said what he wanted, it was Rafael. This made no sense. "Are you still processing what happened? Do you need —"

"I already processed it and this is what I need to happen," Rafael said, sounding very sure of himself. "I know what happens next and I'm not doing that."

"Because of a trial? Rafael, you know that's the natural order of thi—"

"I know," Rafael cut Olivia, his sense of impatience growing. "Believe me, Liv, I know what happens next. I know that you will eventually catch this guy and it will go to trial. I know that their defense attorney will start playing tricks and turn things around for their benefit."

"So you're afraid?" Olivia guessed. "That's also normal…"

"I'm not afraid," Rafael clarified, "I would gladly go along with every part of the process but this isn't about me. It was never about me."

Olivia was utterly lost. She rubbed her forehead relentlessly, leaving faint red marks on her skin. "You're going to have to explain this a little better because I'm not understanding. You don't want us to proceed with the case, you don't want a trial, but you're not scared?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Rafael confirmed, "And you, as my friend and more importantly the Sergeant here, need to help me."

"Why? Why do you want me to do that!?"

"Because that man worked for someone I get the feeling has been watching us for a while now."

Olivia presumed that the struggle she saw in Rafael was for himself. His hands balled into fists on either side of him. His lips pursed together enough to scrunch his nose automatically. But once again, Olivia was wrong because as Rafael had said earlier, this wasn't about him.

"He's been watching Montserrat," he spat darkly. The idea sent him into a frenzy and the only thing stopping its full fledged form was the aching throb he felt on the side of his stomach.

Olivia looked at Rafael both curiously and alarmed. "Why…why would you think that?"

"Because that man told me," Rafael replied, giving the impression that he remembered exactly what happened last night.

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean?"

"You and I are the only ones who know what happened to Montserrat before she transferred here, so this should be easy to understand," Rafael said, only taking a moment because he abhorred what he had to say next. "That man who hurt her — he's watching her. I don't know how, I don't know when, but he's still got eyes on her."

Olivia was keenly aware of the rising noise from the machine beside the bed. One of them was connected to Rafael's finger — a blood pressure measure. "I think you need to—"

"It makes sense now, what Little Tino told Montserrat when we visited him in jail. He told Montserrat that there was a rule in place…"

The beeps got slightly louder.

"Raf—"

"Nobody lays a finger on the redhead," Rafael repeated the words he now hated himself for. He completely missed them at that moment. A deep scowl marked his face. "He has rules, Olivia, about her, about Montserrat — in his eyes, she belongs to him. I can't — he's just—"

"Rafael!" Olivia snapped to get his attention. She moved to his bedside, urgently motioning him to calm down.

"Liv, we can't let him keep watching her," he told her, finally sounding what he truly was: frightened. He was scared, but not for him. "We can't let this keep going. He's—"

Olivia nodded and once again motioned him to calm down. "You need to take it easy. You have stitches. They can burst," she reminded him. She grabbed Montserrat's chair to sit down. "Okay, you're going to have to walk me through this so that we're on the same page about what happened. Only then we can decide how to proceed from here."

"Fine, whatever, but you can't tell Montserrat anything about this."

"I can't promise that but we can work together to come up with the best solution," Olivia said.

It wasn't good enough for Rafael. He needed to hear it out loud…but he knew he was asking the impossible from Olivia. He'd been on that side plenty of times. It was hypocritical of him to be asking the same thing he denied so many times before.

Yes, he was being hypocritical.

Yes, he was being unreasonable.

But he just didn't care.

He didn't care about anything, not even the frikin stitches throbbing on his side right now. The only thing he cared about was currently outside, getting something he asked her for. She was all he cared about. So damn everything else.

[iobsessoverfictionalmen]

The Taste of Revenge (7)

Warnings: canon typical violence, cursing, mentions of non-consensual drugging, descriptions of character death, mentions and descriptions of jail, car crashes, descriptions of drowning, lying, manipulation, guns, yandere themes, cursing, mafia AU, mafia Rafael Barba (trust me, he needs the warning), spoilers for Hannibal, references to Leverage, past Frederick Chilton/Rafael Barba, NSFW moments and angst.

Spanish translation

Cariño - Sweetheart.

Chapter 7

“You’re not wearing the bracelet I sent you.”  Barba observed as he noticed the box on your dining table where you had left it.

“I had other things on my mind, one of which was making a cake,” you revealed brusquely, turning on the lights.  “We all know how that turned out.”

You missed the glare on Barba’s face that was directed at Doctor Chilton.

“Sterling surprised us both by having you in the car.”

You frowned at the mafia boss, “Sterling is a bastard as evidenced by how he has treated my team and how he treated Doctor Ch-”

“Frederick,” the doctor interjected.  “Call me Frederick.”

Puzzled by the sudden permission he gave you to use his first name, you took a few seconds to recover your train of thought.  “And how he treated Frederick but are you seriously suggesting that Sterling arranged for me to be in the same car as him because he thought that would make you rethink pursuing him?”

“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

“Did you seriously just quote Sherlock Holmes, Rafael?”

The mafia leader inclined his head in Frederick’s direction, “The benefits of a private education.”

You rolled your eyes again, “Tim knows that quote too and he went to many public schools.”

Both men were silent as you gave them a tour of the house.  Your gaze fell on the clock in the kitchen as Frederick unpacked his many bags that you had collected from the hotel he was staying at.  You groaned when you saw the LED lights displaying the late hour; you didn’t get your eggs back and you had no desire to cook anything for the three of you to eat because then you would have to do the dishes and you had no energy to do that.

“I’m ordering pizza.  What do you want?”  You called down the hallway.

“Vegetarian!”

“Meat lovers!”

“I knew this wouldn’t end well but I had to ask.”

“What about half and half?”

“No.  I can’t eat anything with meat.”

“I won’t touch the meat lovers pizza if it touches the vegetarian slices.”

Your head fell into your hands and you let out a muffled scream.  There was no other explanation for your actions.  You were insane.

“Well, it’s not like you don’t know a psychiatrist.”

“How did the two of you ever become friends when you can’t agree on something simple like pizza?  The pizza place has individual pizzas that have four large slices.  Do you want to do that?  That way everyone gets what they want.”

“Please say yes.  Please say yes.  Please say yes.”  You begged in your thoughts.

Twenty minutes later, the three of you were eating your pizzas.  There was a sense of contentment in the air in spite of the lack of conversation, and after checking that all the doors and entry points were locked; you crawled into your bed and fell asleep.

You slept peacefully until there was a knock at your door, “Breakfast is ready, cariño.”

You shook your head and burrowed your face into your pillow, “If I don’t leave my bed…”  Your thoughts trailed off as your nose picked up the smell of food and your traitorous stomach grumbled in response to the smell.

“Are you ready for today’s Spanish lesson, cariño?” Barba asked once you were seated at the table and you had a mouthful of food.  You shot him a look that questioned his ability to choose the right moment while also informing him that now was not a good time.

Frederick’s fork froze halfway to his mouth and he stared at Barba, “Why are you teaching her Spanish?”

“I gave her information about the current case with Interpol in Spanish and told her that I’m the only person who can help her decode the message otherwise I wipe the tape recorder,” Rafael replied nonchalantly.

Frederick’s fork fell onto his plate with a clatter, “What are you thinking Rafael?  A language shouldn’t be learned out of necessity or coercion, it should stem from passion.”

“Perhaps in an ideal world, your argument would hold value Frederick but we aren’t living in an ideal world.”

You resumed feeding yourself when the two men began to bicker.  They were still going when you finished all the food on your plate.  Your phone beeped and the men didn’t notice you picking up your phone to read the message on your screen from Tim.

They did notice when you stood up, “Oh, am I interrupting?  Feel free to continue your bickering while I go to work and try and solve the case that you both had a hand in roping me into.”

“Which you need to learn Spanish for.”  Barba reminded you.

“As if I could forget that.  Don’t burn down the house in my absence.”

The day passed slowly at the NCIS base.  Towards the end of the day, your gaze fell on the heavy dictionary that sat behind Tim’s desk in his bookcase.  An idea appeared in your mind and after wondering why you didn’t think of this option sooner, you grinned.

“How’s the Spanish coming?”  Ziva asked while stretching and rolling her neck.

“It’s about to become a whole lot easier,” you answered her as you grabbed your keys and stood up.

That night you sat in the lounge room.  In front of you sat a notepad with a pen ready to take notes and on your left sat your brand-new Spanish dictionary.  You had carefully placed the recorder on the table in front of you between the notepad and the edge of the table.

You pressed the play button on the recorder and as soon as Barba’s voice sounded, you began scribbling down what you heard.  Your writing was messy and you knew that you weren’t spelling the Spanish words correctly but none of that mattered.  If you could get the gist of what he was telling you, then this whole mess could be over in a matter of days.  Sterling’s name was repeated multiple times so you wrote that down once and then added a small cross before writing the number of times that you heard his name and underlining it.

You were so engrossed in your task that you didn’t hear the footsteps signalling Barba’s arrival in the lounge room.

“What are you doing?”  His voice was low and dangerous.

“Translating your information.”  You replied, pulling the dictionary towards you, and beginning your search.

“Without me?  I warned you about using outside help to translate my words.”

“What you forbid me from doing was asking someone else to translate it for me.  I bought the dictionary and I’m translating it by myself.  I fail to see your problem.”

“Where did you buy it from?” Barba seethed.

You knew you were pushing your luck, but it felt so good to beat him at his own game, “I can’t remember the name of the store.”

“Try.  Check the receipt.”

“Can’t do that.  I shredded the receipt at work and to answer your next question, I paid in cash.”

The next things you heard were the slamming of the door that belonged to the room that Barba was occupying during his stay at your house and some vehement, angry Spanish cursing.  Pride and amusement bubbled up inside you and you replayed the audio on the recorder.

[thatesqcrush]

Masterlist

@storiesofsvu

Boredom Cure (Heather Dunbar)

Lucky Number 4 (Olivia Benson)

Menace (Rita Calhoun)

Playtime (Kneef)

Bad Day Turned Good (Velasco)

A New Level of Vacations (Heather Dunbar x reader x Bryan Kneef)

Not Done With You (Velasco)

12/10 (Jackie Sharpe)

Journey to the Past, Ch. 8 (Kneef)

Hardball (Elizabeth Donnelly)

@plaidbooks

Here (Velasco)

More to Love (Velasco)

@pascalispretty

By Night Beloved (Cassian Andor)

@witches-unruly-heart

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned (Carisi)

Movie Night (Barba)

@beccabarba

Against the Wall (Amanda Rollins)

Rain, Candlelight & Pumpkin Spice (Rafael Barba)

@aries-rising-on-an-aquarius-tide

Split Hand Surrender (Rolivia)

Sweetest Tongue (Rolivia)

Approximation (Goren)

Buzzer Beater (Cabenson)

@thatesqcrush

Staycation: Spooky Edition (Barba)

The Auction: Hole in One (Kneef)

[indianajoness]

Barba v Carisi

[plaidbooks]

Everyone Deserves Love chapter 15 (Finale)

A/N: This is it! This is the finale (besides another bonus chapter that has nothing to contribute to the story)! First off, I want to thank everyone who has read this story! It’s still one of my favorite stories, and I read it often. Second, I may add a bonus chapter, depending on s22, who knows?

The beginning of this starts off before the last bonus chapter, but will move past it. It starts off as Devon first gets home from the hospital.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tags: smut, p in v sex

Words: 3569

Taglist: @the-baby-bookworm @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy @infiniteoddball @ben-c-group-therapy @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles @evee87 @dianilaws

The first weeks weren’t bad, especially because Barba had taken time off work. At first, he had forced Devon to stay either in bed or on the sofa while he took care of her; making food, refilling her water, making sure she took her meds. But Devon couldn’t live like that; she needed to get up and move around. So, Barba stopped complaining when Devon came into the kitchen to watch him cook, kissing his cheek as he moved around the stove. Nor did he complain when she continued her morning routine of making coffee, somehow figuring out how to work the French press with one hand, something Barba had previously thought impossible. But the real test of this arrangement was the first day he went back to work.

“I could always take another day,” he had said, concern in his bright eyes.

Devon smirked at him. “Babe, I love you so much, but please, for my sanity, go to work.” She gave him a quick kiss and he left, promising to call when he wasn’t in court, just to check in.

This is where it started getting rocky for Devon. She was going crazy with boredom being stuck at home. Even after the sling was taken off and physical therapy started, Jenkins wasn’t allowing her to come back to work, not yet. And any time she showed up at SVU, Olivia turned her right around, making one of the detectives drive her back home. So, she was stuck in her home-turned-prison, trying to think of something, anything, to do. She thought about taking some sort of class—cooking, sewing, cake decorating—but she was afraid that she couldn’t do any of those things with one arm, and her left was still all but useless. She couldn’t even hold her phone to her ear.

“I hate feeling so useless,” she said to Barba one night over dinner.

He looked at her, swallowing his food. “You’re not useless, Cariño. You’re healing; it takes time.”

“Too much time, if you ask me; I’m going nuts here, Rafi. Jenkins won’t allow me to do anything, Liv sends me home like a child. I…I don’t know what to do.” She hated that tears were in her eyes. Maybe Liv was right, maybe she was a child.

Barba took her hand in his, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. “I know you hate this, mi amor. It’s only for a little while longer; the therapist said that you should be getting use of your muscles back in the next coming weeks.”

“And until then?”

He lifted her hand gently, the light glinting off the plain silver band on her ring finger, catching her eye. She smiled at the engagement ring; she did every time see looked at it, remembering Barba’s face as he knelt in the hospital room by her bed.

“Until then, you’re just going to do your best, working hard to get your arm back to its pervious strength. I know it’s frustrating, Cariño, but you’re going to survive this. You’re going to be stronger than ever, because you’re Devon fucking Motely, and I’ve never met anyone stronger than you.” He kissed the back of her hand, then put it back on the table.

Her heart strained. “How the hell did I get so lucky to have found you in that shitty cop bar?”

“I ask myself the same thing about you every day,” Barba replied, eyes flashing.

Devon smiled at him. She still hadn’t told him that she was planning on retiring from the FBI; hell, she hadn’t planned on how to do it yet, either. And judging by the fact that she couldn’t find anything else to do in her copious free time, she wasn’t sure if she even could retire. If she could bring herself to leave. What if I just step down, do office work? She thought for the hundredth time. Transfer to computer crimes or something? But could she really see herself doing that? Sitting at some desk while others went out and took down the bad guys? She didn’t think so.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Barba’s voice broke through her rapid thinking.

Devon glanced at him, his brow furrowing as he tried to read her expression, and she sighed. She didn’t want to bring it up, not until she had a plan. But she couldn’t lie to him, either.

“I was…I was thinking of leaving the Bureau,” she mumbled, unable to make eye contact. They sat in silence for a moment, Barba not quite sure he had heard her correctly.

“Where’s this coming from?” he finally asked, then he almost whispered, “because of the shooting?”

Devon looked at him then, his eyes conveying such sadness; she knew that he’d support her decision, no matter what. But he also knew that she loved her job. And she knew that he still blamed himself for her injury, no matter how many times she told him that it wasn’t his fault.

“No, well, yes? Kind of?” she shook her head, trying to find the words. “It’s because you deserve having a wife here, waiting for you when you get home from work. Not undercover in some warehouse, trying not to die. Or lying in a hospital bed, a bullet in me.”

Barba seemed to soak in her words, letting himself absorb them. “When I proposed to you, it wasn’t to get you to quit your job, Dev. I understood then, as I do now, who you are, what you do. If I couldn’t handle that, then we wouldn’t be here.”

Devon reached across the table, hand cupping his cheek, forcing him to look into her eyes as she said, “this is my choice, Rafi. I know you can handle it. The thing is, I can’t.” They sat like that for a long moment before Barba slowly turned his face into her palm, kissing her skin lightly.

“If that’s how you really feel, then I’ll back you, one hundred percent,” he breathed.

She gave him a small smile. “I know you will. I just…I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do yet, how I’m going to do it.”

Barba reached up, taking her hand from his face and interlacing their fingers. “I seem to remember you being a fairly decent mentor when you were showing me self-defense in the living room.”

Devon’s eyes lit up as she remembered; of course! How could I have forgotten that? “Do you think there’s a market for that? Teaching self-defense?”

“Are you kidding? Set up next to the women’s shelter, and you’ll be busier there than when you were undercover.”

She chuckled, but there was fire in her now, a purpose. She still had to heal from her gunshot wound, but now she could study how to teach, work towards getting certified.

“I love you, you know that?” she grinned at him.

Barba’s eyes flashed as he smirked. “I do know, but I love hearing you say it.”

FBI Headquarters

Friday, April 20th. 8:30am

Devon took a deep breath as she got off the elevator, the short hallway to her boss’s office familiar, yet somehow menacing. She knew it was because of why she was there, that the hallway itself wasn’t different in any way. She swallowed her fear down and made her way to the door.

“Come in,” Jenkins’ voice called as she neared. Steeling herself, she entered, shutting the door softly behind her. Jenkins was at his desk, his usual spot when he was in. He didn’t even glance up as she walked up to his desk, standing expectantly rather than taking her normal seat across from him. “Motely?” he asked, still looking at whatever paperwork he was focused on.

“Sir, I’m…I’m here to put in my retirement,” Devon said in the most confident voice she could muster. No point beating around the bush. Besides, if she didn’t say it right now, she was afraid that she never would.

That made Jenkins pause. He put his pen down gently, raising his eyes to look at the agent standing before him. A fresh wave of nervousness washed over Devon as his grey eyes bore into hers. He glanced down for a moment, eyes catching the silver band on her finger before flicking back to her face. He let out a breath.

“I knew that this day would come soon enough,” he muttered, more to himself than to her. He stood then, coming to his full height. Jenkins wasn’t a huge man, but his presence alone made him seem much more than he was. He came around the desk, standing right in front of Devon. A rare smile broke across his face. “Congratulations on the engagement, Motely,” he said, placing a warm hand on her uninjured shoulder, giving her a loving squeeze.

Devon smiled back but was still a little anxious. “So, you’re not mad?”

The smile was gone instantly. “Mad? Of course, not; I knew that you’d be retiring once you got close to that ADA. If the shooting didn’t do it, then I figured a wedding would.”

Now Devon smiled freely. Jenkins always seemed to know more than he let on. “Well, if that’s the case, could you do me one more favor?”

Apartment of Rafael Barba and Devon Motely

Saturday June 2nd. 10:00am

“Deep breaths, Devon. You’ve got this. You’ve been through much more stressful things than this,” Olivia said, coaching her. Devon struggled to regulate her breathing, trying not to have a full-blown anxiety attack.

“But—but what if I fuck this up? What if I blow this whole thing? Lives are at stake—"

“You’re going to do fine, Dev. I know you are; I’ll be right there with you if you need me,” the Lieutenant promised.

Devon took a few shuddering breaths, trying to compose herself. She looked at herself in the mirror again, eyes roaming over herself. White dress, short train, veil flipped over her long, brown curls. Her and Barba had chosen their wedding day months in advance, had meticulously planned it, and yet Devon still felt unprepared.

“He’s going to lose it when he sees you,” Liv whispered, making eye contact with Devon in the mirror. Olivia was her maid-of-honor, shocking no one. Devon wanted a simple wedding, nothing too fancy. Barba, being the old-fashioned romantic that he was, wanted to go above and beyond. But even more than that, he wanted to please his fiancée, so he let her call the shots. Well, most of them. They were still having a Catholic wedding—mostly for Mama Barba’s sake—and Devon agreed to get a wedding dress, but only if it was less than $5k. They were only allowing family and close friends to attend, and Jenkins, to his credit, had agreed to be the one to give Devon away, since she didn’t have a father.

“Do you think so?” Devon smiled, but it faltered. “Oh god, why are we doing this? Why not just go to City Hall and sign a paper? Why this whole spectacle? Oh god—”

“Devon,” Olivia grabbed her by the shoulders, turning the ex-agent to look at her. “You are going to walk down that aisle, you are going to stand next to your fiancé, and you are going to exchange vows until the priest pronounces you husband and wife, okay? Just—just think about how Rafael is probably feeling right now. I bet you $20 he’s also nervous. And I’ll bet you another $20 that he cries when he sees you.”

Devon smiled at the thought, butterflies in her stomach. “Do—do you really think he’ll cry?”

Apartment of Rafael and Devon Barba

Saturday, June 2nd. 8:49pm

Devon had to remember to give Olivia $40 the next time she saw her…sometime in a month, after Devon and her husband got back from their honeymoon in Europe, which they would leave for on Monday. But right now, all Devon could think of was her husband’s hands on her hips, pinning her to the wall just inside their shared loft, his lips on her neck, sucking on the spot that he knew she loved, moans leaving her mouth, her hands running through his short hair.

“Mmm, Rafi. Slow down, baby; we have all night to consummate our love,” she ground out.

Barba kissed his way up her neck to her ear. “Whatever my wife wants,” he growled, voice husky. A thrill went through Devon when he called her ‘wife;’ she loved the title. He pulled back, locking eyes with her for a moment, the amount of love and affection held in that stare knocking the wind from her, before his lips crashed against hers. Devon wrapped her legs around his hips, pulling him impossibly closer to her, her hands finding his shirt collar, unwillingly to let him go until she had to pull away, gasping for breath.

“Husband…my husband…” she panted, voice low. Barba smiled down at her, chest rising and falling rapidly from his own labored breathing, before his mouth restarted the vicious attack on her neck, biting and sucking a deep bruise into her flesh.

“Mine,” he muttered against her skin before moving to the other side and making a new mark. Devon moaned, rutting her hips as best she could, trying to get some sort of friction. She could feel him hardening against her. He drove his hips upwards, grinding himself directly against her core, and she whimpered in his ear, half begging him to touch her.

Barba chuckled. “I thought you wanted to go slow, mi amor?” Even so, he repeated the motion, harder this time. Devon let out a wanton moan, rutting her hips back against him.

“We can go slow in round two. Right now, I just want you—need you,” she pleaded. To make her point, she dragged her nails down his back, just the way she knew drove him crazy. She grinned when she felt his cock twitch against her thigh, a growl deep in his throat.

“Whatever my wife wants,” he repeated. He took her off the wall, carrying her towards the bedroom. But they only made it a few steps before Devon kissed him a little too roughly, tipping Barba off balance. He stepped backwards, trying to catch himself, but the back of his knees hit the loveseat, and he fell onto the cushions, Devon squealing as she fell on top of him. Once they realized where they were, they laughed softly.

Devon’s eyes flashed as she remembered their first night together, murmuring, “can I kiss you?”

Barba chuckled. “Only if I can kiss you back.” Devon smiled sweetly at him before leaning down and kissing him gently. Their soft kiss soon deepened, Barba’s hand on the back of Devon’s head, tilting her so that he had better access to her mouth. Devon readjusted so that she was straddling his hips, grinding herself against him. Barba pulled back, groaning loudly, and Devon took this chance to unbutton his tuxedo shirt, trying to figure out how the hell the cummerbund worked—

“Careful, mi amor. This is a rental,” he said. Huffing, Devon got off him, standing next to the couch. Barba quickly shed his tux, carefully chucking it into a pile on the floor, before sitting back on the couch in nothing but his boxers, bulge straining against the fabric.

Devon reached behind her to start unzipping her wedding dress when Barba put up a hand. “Hold on, Cariño,” he licked his lips, “I want to touch you while you’re in your dress.”

She felt the heat pooling in her core at his words. She walked up in between his legs, and his hands went to her thighs, pushing up the hem of her dress as they travelled to her hips, pulling her down onto his lap, bulge hitting her barely clothed core. She moaned, eyes fluttering as he grinded into her, lips ghosting over her pulse point on her neck. He moved one of his hands from her hips to her panties, shifting the fabric to the side and stroking one finger through her slit.

“God, you’re fucking soaked,” he growled against her skin, nipping at her neck. His finger circled her clit once, twice, before he moved to her tight entrance, pushing in slowly.

“Holy fuck, Rafi,” Devon whined, head falling backwards in pleasure. He curled his finger slowly, taking his time, watching her reaction to his touch. Nothing turned him on more than having this incredibly strong woman completely crumble from his touch. Slowly, he pushed in another finger, then a third, thrusting at a slow pace, reveling in the feeling of her walls clenching around him. Devon moaned every time he hit her g-spot, fingers digging into his shoulders, trying to stay balanced on his lap. When his thumb moved to circle her clit, adding pressure to the swollen nub, Devon almost blacked out with how hard she came, rutting her hips against his hand, head falling forward, forehead resting against his.

“You’re so god damn beautiful when you come,” he murmured, finger fucking her through her orgasm, her legs trembling in his lap. He pulled his fingers from her, and she slid sideways out of his lap, collapsing onto the couch next to him. Barba stood, pushing his boxers to the ground, letting Devon catch her breath. He knelt in front of her, sticking his head under her dress, grabbing her panties with his teeth, and pulling them down and off her; a lewd mockery of how he took the garter off her during the reception. He sat back on the couch, taking her hand in his, guiding her back into his lap. Devon, using her free hand, stroked his throbbing cock, her thumb spreading his pre-cum along his shaft. He groaned, letting her tease him a little before he stopped her, afraid that he’d cum too early if she continued. Understanding, she guided him to her entrance, tip teasing her open.

“Ready?” he asked.

“For you? Always,” she replied, kissing him deeply. He placed his hands on her hips, slowly pulling her down onto him until he was fully inside her, swallowing every sound coming out of her mouth with his own. They sat like that for a moment, enjoying the feeling of being so completely connected, tongues dancing with each other, drinking each other in. Then, Devon raised up off him until he was barely in her, then she sunk back down slowly. They found their rhythm quickly, moving in tandem, both of them pulling back so that they could lean their foreheads against each other, sharing their labored breaths. Eventually, Barba reached behind her, unzipping her dress just enough that the top fell free. He chuckled darkly when he saw that Devon was wearing a front clasping bra. She gave him a wink, eyes flashing, wicked smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

“You know me too well, mi amor,” he murmured, undoing the clasp.

It was Devon’s turn to chuckle. “Good thing you married me then—ohhh,” she moaned as Barba’s mouth latched onto a nipple, nipping and sucking. He increased the pace of his thrusts, angling his hips to hit deeper, while he used the hand on her hip to bring her down harder against him. Using his free hand, he reached between them, rubbing roughly at her clit.

Devon screamed Barba’s name as she came, nails digging into his shoulders, leaving marks. Barba flipped them so that Devon was laying on her back across the couch, Barba on top of her. He pounded into her relentlessly, chasing his own release.

“Cum for me, baby…my husband,” Devon muttered, throat raw from her previous yell. That was all Barba needed; he rocked into her a couple more times before he was spilling deep inside her, her clenching walls milking him for everything he had. He collapsed on top of her, still connected but unwilling to pull himself from her…his wife.

The loft fell silent apart from their labored breathing. Devon’s hands went to the nape of his neck, stroking the soft hairs there, his head resting by her collarbone. Once Barba had caught his breath, he started singing softly, an old love song his abuelita taught him when he was a child, the Spanish falling from his lips easily. Devon’s heart strained; she may not understand all the words, but she could hear the feeling, the raw emotion in his voice. She ran her hand through more of his soft hair, nails scraping his scalp lightly. Once he finished the song, he raised up, kissing her gently before laying back on her chest.

“I love you so damn much…Mrs. Barba…” he murmured against her skin, placing soft kisses on her collarbone.

She hummed in satisfaction. “I love you so damn much, my husband…I will never get tired of saying that.”

“And I will never get tired of hearing it,” he promised. Finally, he pushed off her, standing next to the couch, offering her a hand. “Shall we adjourn to the bedroom? I seem to remember someone mentioning something about a round two….”

Devon shook her head in mock disbelief, taking his hand. He pulled her up, and she allowed her dress to fall off once she was up, shrugging out of her bra. “Fucking sinful, I swear.” Barba chuckled as he pulled her to their shared room.

[storiesofsvu]

Her Everything Ch 1

Warnings: language, mentions of death.

The day you first met Rafael Barba your squad was already on edge, in the middle of a huge shuffle up, your actual Captain out on leave, Captain Harris doing the best he could attempt to wrangle all of you despite your constant scoffs and eye rolls. You were all frustrated, drained, and sick of the constant revolving door that seemed to be the front entrance to Manhattan SVU. You were dealing with a high profile case and had no permanent A.D.A, the last Bureau Chief herself having been arrested over fraud and conspiracy. You’d followed Benson and Rollins into his office as he was spewing off questions and sharp whittled statements faster than you could even imagine. When he suddenly rounded on the three of you and asked about the victim,

“Is she credible?” You couldn’t help the sarcastic laugh that escaped your lips.

His frozen eyes casted to you, giving you the once over as he replied to Amanda’s question. He’d barely even noticed you come into the office, another new face he’d have to pretend to get to know, great. You looked enough of the part, business casual, badge clipped to your hip, arms crossed across your chest as the conversation continued. Unlike the other two, your boots were flat, opting for comfort and efficiency when chasing perps and being on your feet all day. He thought you looked pretty fresh faced, potentially just out of the academy, having just earned your Detective’s shield. Which was exactly what he didn’t want to deal with, it meant more arguing, more bringing up laws that he’d spent years dragging over to deflect your bullshit cop ideas, reminding you about all the things they failed to teach you in during your training.

You noticed the instant coolness from him, nearly rolling your eyes at his behaviour, thankful over the next few cases that he appeared to not be moving into your jurisdiction quite yet. You’d never understood why full grown adults couldn’t just be fucking professional, it never mattered to you what your personal relationship was with someone, you would always be courteous around them in the work place. (Aside from the usual back and fourth banter that came naturally between detectives and their A.D.A).

It was nearly a month later when Rafael Barba was appointed the official A.D.A of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit, at least now Captain Cragen was back in charge and there was some sense of normalcy around the precinct, at least within your specialized squad. Internally, you’d rolled your eyes, but you knew he was a good prosecutor andeventually, would probably make a good fit with the team.

It took a couple of cases for everyone to warm up to each other, currently, you were gathered in the bull pen, you’d been out questioning a witness while the team worked through the case. Your eyes scanned across the white board, drinking in the information taped to and written on it, listening to the intel the squad was rattling off. You dropped into your desk chair, letting out a huff of a sigh,

“Everything we have is circumstantial. Not to mention according to penal code 487 we can’t charge him with rape 1 we have sexual misconduct 3 at best. AND there’s a pretty high chance the confession’s going to be thrown out, no judge is going to fall for that and if they do the defence attorney will have the witness barred with subpoena’s before we can even make it to trial. We need more.”

You felt the heat of multiple sets of eyes on you. As much as you’d expected the A.D.A’s, you didn’t realize the entire squad would be so confused. You simply shrugged, glancing amongst them, not surprised when Barba spoke first,

“What, you pick up a law catalogue while waiting for a warrant last week?” He snapped, causing you to snort, throwing your head back in a laugh, missing the way the Cuban’s eyes traced the column of your throat.

“No. My Mom was an A.D.A in Queens, moved up to Bureau Chief until she made the bench. There were more law books than colouring books in the house growing up. I think I know what I’m talking about counsellor.”

It was only after that day he began to treat you like an actual human, realizing your knowledge about the law and how you easily you worked through it. You were always good with cases, and now things made even more sense, especially as he decided to creep a bit, digging deeper, finding more about your family. Your Mother had been one of the best lawyers the Queen’s D.A office,  she moved up to be Bureau Chief and then an even more decorated Judge before she’d been brutally murdered by a perp who got out on a technicality, that blamed her for everything. Thankfully, he’d been thrown in lock up for that accusation and taken to Sing Sing right after for life. Rafael remembered hearing of the murder, he’d even studied multiple cases your Mother had worked throughout the years. He hadn’t made the connection to you since you’d changed your last name after the incident, you were incredibly proud of where you came from, it was only at the insistence of an Aunt that you became a Wilkes.

After Rafael creeped through your life, he realized just how much you had been through, how much you were educated on that could help SVU make more rock solid cases, and thus, convictions. He could always tell which files came from you versus the rest of the squad, they were more detailed, post it notes stuck in the margins with scribbles of things like ‘people v Martin, 2004’ or a page number of a law book retaining to the case. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the rare ones that had little sarcastic comments, things that became inside jokes, unspoken between the two of you except for on those mini purple papers.

As time went on, the two of you ended up became more friendly towards each other, Rafael often requesting you to be the detective that he’d have to deal with. He was quick to find out that you’d been working with SVU for years already, your youthful look thanks to a lot of retinol and lucky genes, that you were years older than he would have guessed. He was ever thankful for your previous knowledge of the law, being able to not only toss things aside before you brought them to him, but the fact that you were always on point in your reports. Oliva started to make sure you were the one she sent on tricky cases, knowing that you had the ferocity and knowledge to fight back against the silver tongued lawyer.

It was a particularly gloomy afternoon in March when you swung by Barba’s office to drop of a few case files. There was little to no banter between the two of you and he noticed the usual spark in your eye had dimmed intensely, barely an ember of a glow exuding from you. Not wanting to pry, he held his tongue, hoping it didn’t have to do with developments in the case. Instead he wished you a warm goodnight that you returned with a tight smile before leaving his office. It was only while he was picking through cold take out an hour later that he flipped through the Times and realized what exactly was eating you.

It was as if it was muscle memory that you ended up at Beekman, your original intention had been to go home and soak in the world’s hottest bath, letting it melt away the agony of the day. But instead, there you were at the end of the bar, staring a hole into the glass of scotch in front of you. You didn’t notice the gust of chilled air when the door blew open, lost in thought until a familiar voice broke through.

“Fifteen years and it still feels like yesterday, right?” You glanced up, slight confusion across your face as Rafael ordered a drink for himself and a fresh one for you, “It was in the paper.” He shrugged as if that explanation explained everything, sliding the new scotch over to you.

“You read everyone’s jackets or just mine?”

“What?”

“How else would you make the link?” You tipped back the final sip of amber liquid in your first glass, letting it warm through your body.

“I-uh” Rafael rubbed at the back of his neck, not totally wanting to meet your eye, “I may have done some digging on your Instagram.” That made you snort, and he joyed at the sight of a genuine smile on your face.

“Never would’ve thought you were the type of person to know how to use Instagram.”

“It..was a learning process.”

“You got Carmen to do it for you.” He chuckled at the deadpan tone of your voice, calling him on his bluff instantly.

“Yeah I did.” Shooting him a small smirk you picked up the drink he’d bought you,

“Thanks.” He nodded softly, watching the way your lips wrapped around the rim of the glass, tearing his eyes away just in time to not get caught staring. A brief moment of pause took over until you let out a weary sigh, hands idly playing with the glass.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about. Just kinda sucks losing your biggest and only supporter.”

“I’m sorry.” He reached over, hand reassuringly squeezing at your arm.

“Thanks.” You gave him a soft smile, but even in the dim light of the bar he could see the misting of tears in your eyes.

“I take it your Father’s not in the picture then?”

“Nah, took off when I was three. No other family left around.” You hadn’t exactly planned on opening up, but the warmth from Rafael’s hand remaining on your arm relaxed you, his thumb occasionally rubbing your skin soothing, pulling the words from your lips.

“You two must’ve been close.”

“Thick as thieves.” You smiled at the memories, “I like to think she’d be proud, knowing that I’m taking down perps, keeping other cop’s toes in line thanks to what she taught me.”

“I know she would be.” He met your eyes with a small smile, “Besides, someone’s gotta keep those idiots inside the law, Cragen seems barely able to control them half the time.” You let out a small laugh,

“Poor guy, honestly sometimes I’m sure he feels like he’s running a pre-school.”

The conversation started to flow in a more positive direction from there, starting out with a little bit of squad gossip vs shenanigans at Hogan Place before dipping more into smaller stories of your own personal lives. Rafael was surprised with how at ease he was talking to you, sharing things that no one else from the squad knew, not that he’d spent too much time with any of you at that point. After all, he’d only been with the Manhattan team just over eight months.

You shared a plate of zucchini fries and indulged in a couple more glasses of scotch over the next hour or so. Rafael was a quarter way through an anecdote when he realized your eyes had flitted up to the t.v behind the bar, attention drawn there instead of his words. The evening news was on, and naturally, just like the paper, they were covering the murder’s anniversary. He watched the way your shoulders slumped again, the bliss being sucked right from your body. You sighed, reaching for your wallet, tossing down a handful of bills to cover your tab.

“I should get going.”

“You sure?” He questioned, not wanting to leave you alone in a time of grief.

“Yeah..” You tugged on your coat, “Don’t exactly want to be seen crying in a public bar. This was…nice..thank you.” Meeting his eyes you gave him an authentic smile that he felt down to his gut, knowing the unspoken words between your dialogue. You had just turned to leave when you felt his hand gently close on your wrist

“Hey…” He tugged you back to him as he stood from the bar stool and honestly, you were a little surprised when he wrapped his arms around you in a hug. You nestled into his shoulder, arms finding their way around his back as your body practically melted against his. The day had been a rough one, and it was certainly far from over, but you felt a sense of relief, a weight lifting off you at the embrace. You realized then just how long it had been since you’d hugged anyone that wasn’t a victim, and in those situations you were the one who needed to stay strong. Rafael felt a sliver of a shudder run through your body as you let out a shaky breath, he tightened his arms for a moment before you gently pulled away.

“Thanks…” You glanced over your shoulder, as if the intent on leaving the bar was still there, but you remained in front of him, “Uhm…this is going to sound wildly unprofessional and perhaps too up front, but would you maybe wanna come over and watch a movie or something? I could really use some platonic cuddling, ya know, releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.” Rafael chuckled,

“Did you just quote Legally Blonde to me?”

“I- the fact that you knew that was a Legally Blonde quote piques my interest Counsellor.”

“My Mami and Abuelita love it, made me watch it with them when I finished law school. It..kinda became this silly tradition to watch it together on birthdays.” He flushed slightly at the adorable sound of your small giggle.

“That. Is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Let that slip to the squad and I’ll have your head.” He turned back to the bar, tossing down some cash before pulling on his coat.

“Secret’s safe with me.”

Back at your apartment you offered him a drink, an attempt at being a gracious hostess and with the idea that it might make things seem a little less awkward. You picked a cheesy comedy and dropped down onto the couch beside Rafael, who tentatively raised an arm onto the back of the couch. You shot him a half nervous smile before settling into the crook of his shoulder, tugging a blanket into your lap, your hand coming to rest on his chest. You let out a hum as you felt his arm wrap around your shoulders, your attention now turned to the movie.

Rafael wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he hadn’t had anyone in his arms like this in what felt like too long, or if it was the fact that it was you snuggled up against him. But you certainly were right, it released endorphins, and for the first time that month, he definitely was happy

[jamiethetrans]

Old Habits Die Hard - Ch 3

Rita Calhoun x Transgender FTM Reader

“Court is adjourned”, the judge said and you sighed and stood from your seat. You watched Rafael as he packed his stuff in his suitcase. He walked over to the defense table, speaking to the attorney and you immediately noticed it was the woman who came into his office the day before.

She said something that made him chuckle and you felt your heart clench. Suddenly they both turned to look at you and you felt a blush slowly creep on your neck. You watched as they chuckled again and Rafael walked over to you.

“Wanna go outside?”

You nodded and followed him out of the courtroom, but felt eyes on you and turned to see the woman looking at you. You gave her a soft smile and a little wave before following Rafael.

“How’s the case going?”, he asked once you were out and you cleared your throat.

“We’re kinda at a halt at the moment. We can’t find any other victims who wants to come forward”

“What about the rape kit?”

“It hasn’t come back yet. We’re still waiting for the results”

Rafael nodded in acceptance and you looked down. “Look. I know it’s hard finding vimtims. But imagine what this man has done. Who he’s targeting. They’re terrified of him”

“Of course they are, but what can I do? I can’t force them to come forward”

Rafael shrugged and you sighed deep looking away. You walked into the elevator and closed the door, leaving the two of you alone.

“Who would’ve thought a guy like Victor Xandi would target young transgender girls”

“Who would’ve thought he would touch any girls like that?”, you said stopping in your tracks and Rafael stopped as well, worried eyes meeting your own tired ones. “I mean why would he step over that line? He gained their trusts… why betray them?”

Rafael looked at you with sorry in his eyes, though he couldn’t stop himself from smiling softly, a small chuckle escaping his mouth. “Isn’t that your thing to discover?”

You eyed him for a moment before a chuckle escaped your own lips. “Yeah I guess you’re right. I think I just need to get used to it”

You looked down at your feet as Rafael watched you with his eyes. You could feel them on you and you didn’t know wether to feel admired or stalked. It had been so many years after all.

“Used to what?”

You turned to him, meeting his eyes and you stared into them, feeling yourself getting trapped. Despite the many years away from each other, you still saw the man you once knew. The man you once loved.

The door opened and you sighed shaking yourself out of the trance before walking  towards the exit. The moment your eyes landed on the exit you frowned at turned to Rafael with furrowed eyebrows making him frown at your face.

“What?”

You stared at the exit and saw a blonde and a brunette, already knowing who the blonde was. “She still works here?”, you asked and Rafael frowned and turned to see his opponent speaking to judge Donnelly.

“Donnelly? Of course”

You looked at Rafael with a frown and the man couldn’t stop himself from falling for you all over again. Even in male form, you were still gorgeous in his eyes. “Really? I thought she would’ve quit by now”

You remembered back to when you met Rafael and Donnelly was his boss. She had always intimidated you and to say you were afraid of her would be an understatement. A huge understatement. Not to mention how gorgeous she was and how much she made you squirm under her gaze. She always gave you the eyes whenever you were in court watching Rafael.

“Do you even know Liz? She doesn’t quit”, Rafael laughed and you rolled your eyes and noticed the woman standing next to her. The same woman Rafael had spoken to in the courtroom.

“Who’s the woman?”, you asked and Rafael looked at the two ladies.

“Rita Calhoun. Went to college with her” You turned to him with furrowed eyebrows making him turn to you as well. “What?”

“You’ve slept with her haven’t you?”, you practically stated and he stared at you for a moment before bursting out laughing. The action made you roll your eyes and watched him laugh it out.

“God no”, he answered through laughs. “She would castrate me if I as much as indicated”

You couldn’t stop the corner of your lips from twisting upwards at his reaction. “Plus I’m not exactly her type”, he pointed out and you looked up meeting his eyes.

“How? Is she gay?”, you asked and he chuckled again. “No she does play on both sides but…”, he trailed off and you raised a single eyebrow towards him.

“But…?”

“She likes them young”

You eyed him for a moment before widening your eyes at the realization. “Oh my god, that’s where you got it from!”, you said hitting his arm and he frowned at you.

“Got what?”

“Your sugar daddy’ness”

At that Barba burst out laughing and you frowned at him. “Y/N/N come on, sugar daddy?”

You rolled your eyes and turned to see Rita Calhoun coming walking towards you. You slapped Rafael on his arm and he stopped laughing as he turned to you only to follow your gaze, meeting Rita’s eyes.

“Gentlemen”

“Rita”, Rafael greeted with a smile while you gave a simple nod in greeting. Rita gave you a smile as she looked at you up and down.

“I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced. Rita Calhoun”, she said offering her hand and you immediately accepted it with a smile on your face.

“Y/N Y/L/N”

“Detective right?”

You nodded and she smirked. She turned to Rafael and raised an eyebrow. “I suppose I see the allure”

You couldn’t stop yourself from smirking a little and turning to Rafael who was suddenly blushing hard, clearing his throat. “I’m sure you do Rita, did you want something?”

“Oh Rafael, don’t be so jealous”, the defense attorney said, immediately seeing the defense the man was quickly building up.

“He doesn’t have the right to be”, you chipped in, crossing your arms and Rita raised an eyebrow at you while Rafael turned to you. Dared you to think it was hurt you saw in his eyes?

“This one’s got fire. I like him”

You smirked and looked at her, meeting her eyes. You could see the flirtation in her eyes, seeing her biting her lower lip and you wanted nothing more than to suck on that lip. “You’re not too bad yourself counselor”

Rafael rolled his eyes at the way you two looked at each other and walked closer to you. “Alright enough. We’re late, Liv just called us in”, he said and walked out of the court house.

You rolled your eyes and turned to Rita who was smirking back at you. “He’s not much for sharing is he?”, she asked and you chuckled.

“There’s nothing to share counselor”, you said and she raised an eyebrow at you. You walked closer to her and gave her the elevator look. “I’m 100% myself. Alone. Single”, you said and winked.

You followed Rafael, knowing Rita was watching you.

•

“What do we got?”, Barba asked the moment the two of you walked into the squad room and down the hallway towards interrogation.

Olivia and Tamin stood by the window to interrogation one. “Benjamin Carter. The perp. He’s a therapist, mid thirties”, Olivia said and Barba nodded.

“Did the victim say he raped her?”

“Yes”

He nodded again and was about to say something when the door to the room opened and Rollins came out. “He’s not bugging”

Olivia sighed and turned to you. “You want a go?” She hadn’t really seen you in action yet and she was determined to see it. You nodded and received the file from Rollins before going inside.

“Hello Carter”

The man looked up at you and crossed his arms. “I just told the other detective. I didn’t do this”, he said and you nodded as you sat down in the chair.

“That’s funny you should say that, because Yvonne says otherwise”

“Yes, the other detective told me she told you guys that I raped her”

“And she’s not the only one. DNA agrees”, you said and pulled out the DNA results. Carter looked at them for a moment before looking away.

“Of course it says that. Yes we had sex, but it was consensual” You raised an eyebrow and he looked at you.

“This is what you call consensual?”, you asked and showed him the photos of Yvonne’s body. Blue and purple marks all over her body, strangulation marks on throat. “Hurting your sexual partners?”

“She liked it like that”

“Really? She liked to be almost strangled to death”

He nodded and you sighed and stood from your seat. “Alright. Let’s say she liked it and it was consensual. Why would she say you raped her? Why come to the police?”

“Beats me. I don’t know. Maybe she thought it would be fun. Maybe she enjoys being raped and wanted some attention” You froze the moment the words were out and looked right into his eyes.

“Oh no”, Barba mumbled and Olivia turned to him. “You listen to me. Nobody enjoys being raped. It’s not something anyone enjoys!”

Carter looked into your eyes and immediately saw right through them. He could see the anger. The insecurity, the hate. All the emotions you had been hiding for years, well hidden, and he only took one look at you and instantly saw them. “Who hurt you?”

You eyed him with anger in your eyes. And you hated the fact that you felt your walls breaking down, but no. You refused to let him get to you. Not him. And especially not in front of Rafael.

“Why would she lie to us?”, you asked again, ignoring the question and the man smirked, knowing he got to you.

“It was someone close. A close friend perhaps?”

“Stop it”

“Or maybe a family member?”

“I said stop it”

“Sibling or parent?”

“ENOUGH!”

Silence filled the interrogation room. You stared with anger into Carter’s eyes, his own eyes only filled with happiness.

On the other side of the wall, Olivia, Tamin and Rafael stood absolutely still. Olivia with mouth open in shock, Tamin with exact same expression and Rafael wide eyes. Why had you never told him about that?

“What’s going on?”, Rollins asked when she saw them all freeze and she and Fin came over and looked through the window.

“It was your father wasn’t it?”, he asked and you narrowed your eyes at him.

“This isn’t about me. This is about you and Yvonne. So tell me what happened”

Carter only kept smirking as he looked into your eyes. He could see right through the walls and was looking right at the vulnerability that has kept position since you were eighteen.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened? Then I’ll tell you everything you want to know. And if it makes you feel better. I’ll even write it down”

You stood and watched him for a moment. Rafael widened his eyes turning to Olivia. “Is he actually considering it?”

“What’s wrong with–“

“I have to stop him”

Rafael knocked on the window, breaking you from the trans and you sighed looked away. You looked through the glass and immediately let the others know not to disturb the interview, Olivia turning to Barba. “I don’t think you’ll get the chance”

“Speak”, you said and Carter chuckled shaking his head. “You first”

He gave you a run for the money, you’d give him that. But in the end you sighed in defeat, knowing you wouldn’t get anywhere without.

“Barba! Where is my client?”, a voice suddenly asked, but neither detective nor sergeant or Captain made any respond to said voice. Rita furrowed her eyebrows and walked over to Barba and stood next to him. She looked through the window and saw you and her client talking.

“I’m gonna stop this immediately”, she said and was about to walk in when Barba stopped her with his hand around her arm gently.

“Wait. Your client isn’t talking. Y/N is” Rita frowned at him but stopped and watched the interrogation. You stood still in the room, feeling your heart beating faster.

“It was my eighteenth birthday”, you started out. “My dad wanted to go out and eat dinner. Celebrate. We all went together. He, my mom, my sister and I”

Barba furrowed his eyebrows at that and Rita noticed. “My dad told me to find my best outfit. Deep down I wanted to take one of his suits but I knew he would freak so I chose the dress I knew he loved so much”, you told and that made everyone frown except for Barba and Olivia.

“You wore dresses when you were younger?”, Carter asked and you turned to him.

“I believe 80% of the population’s eighteen year old girls do”

Everyone froze on the other side of the window. Except for Barba and Olivia. “He’s trans?”, Rollins couldn’t keep herself from saying and Rita smirked.

“Well this just got a whole lot more interesting”, she said making everyone turn to her. She felt the eyes and turned to them. “What?”

“You’re a tranny”, Carter said and you chuckled walking over to him, smacking his head from behind.

“We don’t use that word”

Kat let out a snort while the others stood with smirks on their faces. “He’s got balls, I’ll give him that”, Fin said then thought for a moment. “He does have balls right?”

Everyone turned to him for a moment before turning back to the window. Though Barba could feel the eyes of Olivia and Rita.

“I put on the dress and we went out for dinner”, you continued the story. “It was a nice time. We all had a great time”

“Sounds boring”, Carter said and you rolled your eyes. Of course he thought that was boring.

“That night I went to bed in my favorite pajamas. I laid awake for a few hours, texting some friends”

“But?”

You turned to Carter and he had a smirk on his face. “But then the door to my room opened and… my dad stepped inside”

Rollins felt a hand on her arm and noticed it was Tamin’s. “He walked over to my bed and laid down next to me”

Everyone felt their hearts beat faster as you told the story, their eyes feeling tears coming to surface. You now stood by the window and looked at yourself. Though the others looked right into your eyes and could easily see tears forming.

Barba could see how much you were fighting them, trying to pull yourself together. “He raped you”, Carter said and you looked like you had seen a ghost. It was the first time you had thought about it in years.

“He told my how pretty I looked in the dress. How it was his favorite. He said he wanted to show me how a real man takes care of his girls”

You practically scolded just by thinking about it. “It felt like hours had passed when he was done. He told me to sleep well and then he left”

Carter stared at you and you turned around and met his eyes. “Now. Speak”

He nodded and took the paper that laid for his confession. He began writing and you felt yourself relax. You were surprised you had found the strength to tell the story. The story you hadn’t told anyone before. And hadn’t planned on it either. Until now.

A few minutes later Carter was done and you walked over and read it. Nodding in acceptance you took the rest of the file and walked towards the door. “Was that the only time?”, he suddenly asked as you reached for the door handle and you froze the moment you heard it.

Everyone walked slightly to their left so they could see your face reaction. You sighed and looked down, taking the handle into your palm. “Yes” Carter’s eyes lingered on you, knowing that was a lie.

You walked out and froze as you noticed everyone’s faces. You turned and met Rita’s eyes. She was soft and you thought that she couldn’t get any more beautiful. “Your confession counselor”, you said turning to Barba, handing over the file and he took it into his hands.

“Y/N–“

“Don’t you dare”, you cut him off and turned to Rita. “He’s all yours”

You walked down the hallway and everyone stared at Barba as he looked down at the confession.

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Other Bingos

A masterlist for Bingos I participated in a little

Sweetcanolicarisi’s Disney Bingo [x]

Cinderbarba - Barisi

I Won’t Say (I’m in Love) - Rafael Barba x Reader

Storiesofsvu’s One Year Bingo [x]

Stargazing - Rafael Barba x Reader

A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 12 - Frederick Chilton x Reader

Thatesqcrush’s Valentine’s Day Love You, Love You Not Bingo [x]

Date Gone Wrong - Bryan Kneef x Reader

Oral Sex - Bryan Kneef x Reader

Crying in the Shower - Rafael Barba x Reader

[the-hopeless-haze]

Somebody Sit in My Chair and Ruin My Sleep (Being Alive Ch 15)

A/N: Idk how I feel about this chapter but here u go I guess lol

Previous Chapter

content warnings: implied smut

WC: 1.9k

Rafael didn’t have any idea what he was walking into on Monday morning, but Jesus Christ, the fact that you let the squad know what happened - down to the very last detail, it seemed - was a horror show. Amanda avoids him in some show of female solidarity, Nick shoots him sympathetic looks, and Sonny - fucking Sonny asks Rafael how he is and won’t stop asking how you were, if he’d heard from you.

But why should he expect mercy from the woman who turned down his proposal?

And maybe he deserved it. Maybe he should’ve tried to read the room instead of just pushing forward. You had been right - that night certainly wasn’t the prime time for a proposal in the slightest. Hindsight is always 20/20, and he keeps remembering moments where you were slipping away inch by inch like sand past his fingertips, and he can’t believe how stupid he was that he chose to swallow it down and chalk it up as nothing instead of sitting down and actually talking to you.

Still, communication is a two way street, and instead of sending him vague signals that he was too obtuse to decipher, you could’ve sat down and talked to him too.

It’s so much easier to assign blame than take it, isn’t it?

Ultimately, though, he just couldn’t believe you weren’t on the same page as him. Didn’t you always say you wanted all these things? Weren’t you happy that Rafael finally felt he was ready, too? Perhaps though, in the midst of all his internal turmoil he truly forgot to assess your feelings on the matter. Yes, you said you wanted children, yes, your parents constantly threw comments his way about settling down with you, and yes, you’d told him on multiple occasions he wasn’t too old to get married if that’s truly what he wanted.

But where was your actual opinion on marrying him in any of this? It was lost in between the need you no doubt felt to constantly comfort Rafael about his current misgivings and past misfortunes and your parents’ well-meaning but busy-bodied comments. It was clouded by Rafael’s own mother’s opinions, and hell, even Sonny’s - everyone was so afraid Rafael was going to lose you that they pressured him into offering you a ring and a promise of forever - but little did anyone know that by doing just that... he had in fact lost you anyway.

His mother was devastated, weeping about how you would’ve made such a lovely bride, how she was already looking at suits for Rafael and venues for the wedding... he couldn’t handle it and left her apartment after ten minutes of her lamentation. He should’ve never told her, he should’ve never been so sure of what was going on in your head, because now he realizes he never had any idea. No one did.

So now, he snaps at Sonny, because Sonny is guilty by way of telling him “oh sure, she’ll say yes” like anyone knew what the fuck you would do when the question was finally asked. Maybe you didn’t even know until he was down on one knee. Still, Rafael can’t help wondering if things would be different if the car accident never happened - deep down, he knows there were signs you were pulling away after Thanksgiving, but it’s so much easier to blame Sonny for it. You wouldn’t have sunk so low in a deep depression if you could’ve worked, if you weren’t immobilized by your injury... but would you have loved Rafael enough anyway?

“Will you shut the fuck up?” Rafael hisses at the younger detective. “You’ve been talking my ear off all morning.”

“Whoa, Barba, wake up on the wrong side of the bed today or what? I was just getting you up to speed on the case—“

“I’ve read the file. You don’t need to.”

“Fine. Liv’s in her office but I suggest cooling the attitude, because she’s not in a good mood either. Noah was sick and kept her up all night.”

“Lovely.”

And then, by some sick twist of fate, you walk through the door, and Rafael’s stomach turns. Never did you look so gorgeous, so beautiful, so fucking untouchable than you did now. It’s the first time in weeks he’s seen you in a blazer and slacks, the first time he’s seen you look like you gave a shit in months. And maybe that’s unfair - you were struggling, per your own admission - but it almost feels like all you had to do was lose the weight of Rafael and all his baggage that came with being in a relationship with him, and you were good as new.

He wonders how many of his exes could tell a similar story to yours, if that were truly the case.

You meet his eyes for a split second and he wants to drop dead. You give him a haughty smirk and head over to Amanda’s desk, turning your back to him.

Why couldn’t you just fucking leave like you’d said you would? It’d be so much easier if you did just go back home but like everything else that came out of your mouth that was merely a half baked promise you had no intention of making good on.

And maybe Rafael should’ve called you this weekend, but he couldn’t swallow his pride and come back to you with his tail between his legs after you rejected the proposal he’d worked all his life to be able to give. You never called him either, but if this was going to go anywhere, someone would have to talk first.

But shouldn’t it have to be you? You’re the one who asked for space. He’s giving it. What the fuck else was he supposed to do?

But now that you’re not living with him, now that you’re not even with him at all, you’re completely unpredictable. Never in his wildest dreams did he think you’d come over to him and Sonny, flash him your best sardonic lipglossed smile, and ask to borrow Sonny for a moment.

Rafael can’t even think straight, he can barely breathe, the rage coming up like bile and tightening his throat. How could you stand there and act like nothing was different now?

“Sure,” he snaps.

“Whoa, no need for the attitude, Rafael,” you say sweetly. “We can all play nice, right?”

Rafael doesn’t say anything, can’t say anything… he just shakes his head and walks to Olivia’s office. How could you compartmentalize like that, he’d love to know. Wasn’t this killing you, too?

The rest of the day proves to go by smoother, thankfully, albeit minor annoyances that come up like a snippy altercation with Olivia due to both of their bad moods and a taxi driver haggling him about the fare. Rafael still cannot wait to come back to his office and savor his fourth cup of coffee today after running around the city all morning, put his feet up and do some paperwork…

But you’re there, in his chair, with your feet up on his desk.

“Get out,” Rafael says before you can utter a word.

“I want to talk,” you say innocently.

“I don’t. Get out. Who the hell let you in here?”

“Carmen, duh. She still thinks we’re together, apparently.”

“Do I have to call security?”

You stare at him blankly. “You’d really call security?”

Rafael rolls his eyes, throws his briefcase on a nearby chair. “What the hell do you want?”

“Where do we go from here?”

“Nowhere. You ended it.”

“Okay, no, I just said I needed space. I didn’t end it--”

“Right. I need to work.”

“Okay. We’ll meet later then,” you nod, standing up.

“I didn’t agree--”

“I’ll be back in a few hours. I got to head back to the precinct in fifteen minutes anyway.”

Rafael hates doing this, showing a moment of vulnerability, but he has to ask, “Are you staying? In New York, I mean.”

“For now,” you say, softening too. “Obviously. I talked to Liv for a long time, talked to my dad.. And… I don’t know if being back home is the best course for me either. I’m just trying to get back to some semblance of normal, you know?”

“Right.”

“I’ll see you,” you say, walking past him and leaving his office.

How many years would it be before he did figure you out?

------

The two of you don’t really talk much at first when you reunite later on that evening. Rafael draws the shades in his office, and it’s all pulling at clothes, at skin, at hair and you’re not proud of it but you also don’t really regret that you let it get that far. You missed him, in an annoyingly cloying way, and what was better than makeup sex when the two of you were still pissed off at each other?

“You need…. You need to go to therapy,” Rafael pants after coming down from his high.

You have to laugh at that. Maybe that was only the 7th most offensive thing someone had said to you after sex. And, annoyingly, he was right, even if his delivery and timing could’ve been light years better.

“Mm. I know,” you tell him, pulling him in to kiss him again, his sweaty chest sticking to your back as you pull off him to lay, or rather squeeze next to him on the couch.

“You need to--”

“Let’s not get into the shit I need to do right now, okay? I know I have things to sort out. So do you.”

“Right. I’m sorry. I’m trying to help, and I’m trying to understand, but--”

“Right now… don’t. Just fuck me like that again.”

Rafael chuckles - damn, it was only two days and you missed his laugh that much? It just tugs on your heartstrings in the worst way, but you suppose it proves how much you love him, how you couldn’t just put this down. You hated being the first to let your guard down, to bring yourself to his office not once but twice… but you couldn’t bear to lose him, either, and you’d hurt him where no one else had. It had to be you who offered a new start.

“I need to eat, mujer. And as tempting as that sounds… we need a change in location anyway.”

You nod in assent. “Fine.”

Neither of you get much sleep that night, as you split a bottle of wine and a pizza and talk, cry, fuck, whatever… but it’s a long sleepless night you wouldn’t have traded for the world. Things are different between you two, naturally, but something has to be shed to grow, and maybe you left some good things behind along with the bad things, but it’s how these things go. You can’t expect a relationship to be standing firm after a rejected proposal. For the moment, you’re just happy the two of you found a way to get back up.

As you curl into Rafael’s arms at four in the morning, you don’t feel at peace - lord knows you still have so many things to worry about - but you do feel better, and if that’s all you can get right now, you had to be okay with that.

Taglist (ask if you wanted to be added!) @stormtrooperofficerbrowneyes​ @thatesqcrush​ @law-nerd105​ @blackeyedangel9805​ @moon-river-drifter​ @the-baby-bookworm​ @dianilaws​ @xecq​ @lv7867​ @teddybluesclues​ @averyhotchner​ @houseofthirst​ @stardust-fray​

[saiilorstars]

Ch. 59: Fearing the Unknown

Previous chapters // Montserrat’s masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing: Rafael Barba x OC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocappreciationtag​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @arrthurpendragon​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @anotherunreadblog​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @stareyedplanet​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @averyhotchner​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @abzidabzy​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @hellofutur​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @foxesandmagic​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xovalliegirlxo @sam-i–am @kmc1989 @midmourn @choosejoyangel​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message]

Montserrat made a mental note to replenish the bottle of scotch in the kitchen. Granted she was sure that Rafael was responsible for drinking most of it but since she took the last pour, he would definitely blame her.

He's lucky I like him enough to buy another bottle for him. She smirked to herself. She supposed it was fair in these cases. He bought her tons of sweets. She was expecting her bag of desserts to be arriving any second now.

When she heard her phone buzzing on the counter, she presumed it was Rafael apologizing for being so late. She answered the call, though did notice it was an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Montserrat Novak?"

"Yes, who is this?"

She should have never asked. One moment, she was drinking scotch and the next she was almost having a heart attack. Scotch abandoned — spilling over the counter — she was bolting to the hospital. An outright mess, she yelled her questions and demanded answers at the front desk in the E.R. room. She couldn't possibly think one coherent thought at the moment, not until she knew what exactly was going on.

The nurse behind the desk, bless her heart, remained absolutely at ease. She was used to it. "Ma'am, you need to calm down," she told Montserrat.

But such a suggestion was out of the question.

"I got a call telling me that my boyfriend was shot and he was taken here! SO WHERE IS HE!?" Montserrat's fists came down on the desk, rattling a bowl of pens on the side and yet none of that fazed the nurse. She was about to pull her shield out if that were to make things move faster when someone cut in.

"Scuse me?"

Montserrat's head flipped in the direction of the voice, immediately spotting a young woman trying to approach her. She didn't blame the woman; she probably looked horrific right now. The woman's blonde hair was pulled into a low ponytail and her face seemed as disconcerted as Montserrat. What the latter noticed, however, were the dry stains of blood on the blonde's shirt and thighs.

"Are you the girlfriend who likes sweets?" the blonde asked cautiously.

Montserrat had no idea what the hell was going on but now she understood even less. She turned away from the desk for a moment, nodding her head at the question. "Who the hell are you?"

The blonde cleared her throat, one hand coming up to rub the side of her neck. "I'm Clara, um…I'm the one…I made the 911 call. I think he was your, uh..."

Montserrat's eyes widened. Screw the nurse. She ran up to Clara, startling the woman when she yelled. "What happened!?" She practically shook Clara as she begged for answers. She ignored the nurse behind them calling for calmness.

"Um, he, your boyfriend, he was, um…he was buying pastries and we were, um, we were talking about blueberry champagne donuts and then suddenly…" Clara's eyes shined with tears, the fear still etched across her face, "This man came in with a gun…he was going to rob us but…" She shook her head, "He told me to get on the floor so I did. I heard them talk for a bit — Rafael hit him or something, I didn't see — and then he told me to make the call. I was in slow-mo so he went for his phone instead. It was at the other end of the room. The guy shot him."

As far as that story went, it wasn't the worst one Montserrat had heard in her line of job. Clara seemed more than traumatized but she was still able to retell the story of the incident decently.

Montserrat was always a cop in these situations. She had a clear mind of what protocols looked like and what she should do. Right now, she couldn't remember a damn thing. "O-okay," she nodded her head, turning away from Clara. Now she was shaking. "Oh…okay…okay…"

"Ma'am, you need to sit down..." The nurse hurried over as Montserrat's legs started buckling.

Everything was ringing in her ears at the moment. How she managed to get to the hospital in the first place was beyond her. "I-I-I don't understand h-how…I don't understand…" Montserrat couldn't finish her sentence for lack of air and thoughts.

The nurse and Clara sat her down in one of the waiting seats.

"Ma'am, you might need to see a doctor," the nurse said, but Montserrat didn't hear.

"We were going to have dinner…dessert…" She swallowed hard. Her eyes shifted from side to side, taking in the busy room. "He called me..." That call couldn't have been more than half an hour ago. What happened?

"Ma'am, let's get you to—"

"No!" Montserrat pulled her arm back as soon as the nurse tried making her stand.

"But you're—"

"I said no!" Montserrat snapped. "What I want is to see my boyfriend! What I want is to know why the hell he was shot! There's many things I want to know and seeing a damn doctor is not on that list so GO!"

Clara watched the nurse let out a frustrated sigh and retreat to the desk. She was sure that once Montserrat calmed down, she would probably apologize to that poor nurse.

Montserrat rested her elbows on her lap and leaned her head into her hands. Clara felt awful.

"Yeah, I was there," she sighed, "I froze. I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never even been mugged. Tonight…I almost saw God."

Montserrat finally glanced at Clara. She seemed very young now. Her eyes fell down to the stains. "The blood…"

"Oh," Clara looked at her stained jeans, "Um..." she was very hesitant to explain, even though Montserrat was pretty sure she knew what Clara wanted to say. "Uh, it's...it's his. I'm sorry."

Montserrat felt very sick. It had been a long time since she threw up but tonight might be the night she went through it again. "Wh-where did...where was the bul...?"

"The bullet went near the stomach and kidney, I think. I needed to stop the blood until the paramedics got there. I'm in medical school…" Clara let her head hang low, "Fat lot of good that did "

"You stopped the blood," Montserrat put a hand on Clara's arm. "He's here, isn't he? That's because of you." And that is what she was clinging to right now. Rafael wasn't gone. He was still here, somewhere in a room.

"They took him into surgery," Clara said, "I...I haven't heard anything."

Montserrat nodded. She took in another breath — several ones — to calm herself down. She looked at Clara again and the stains on her clothes. "Have you been checked?"

Clara nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I...nothing happened to me."

"Yes it did," Montserrat said. "You're not physically hurt but mentally? Have you called someone yet? For you? Parents?"

Clara shook her head. "No, I, um, I didn't even think about it, honestly."

"You should, at least so you're not alone."

"I'm not alone," Clara offered her a small smile.

Montserrat couldn't really manage any kind of chuckle. She felt like right now she could only focus on continuing her breathing. She could only do one thing at a time. "Well, you should rest, then. I'm not...I'm not going anywhere." No way in hell she was going anywhere. She always thought she would never have to be anything related to the word 'victim' again, but somehow this felt a thousand times worse than the last time.

"I'm going to stay with you," Clara said, "They only gave me so much information and since you're his girlfriend, they'll tell you more. I can't leave without knowing if he's going to be okay. He saved my life."

Montserrat nodded shakily. "Thank you." She gulped. She looked at the reception desk, suddenly regretting her treatment of the nurse. With Clara's help, she stood up and walked over to the nurse to ask her (more calmly this time) about Rafael.

He was indeed in surgery and there was no time stamp on when he would be out. The next hours would be agonizingly long and it wouldn't be until Clara asked if there was anyone else who would want to be there with Montserrat that the latter remembered — family.

"Oh God," Montserrat sunk in her chair again, bringing one hand over her hair. "If his grandmother finds out, she'll have an actual heart attack!" She checked the time on the clock on the wall. "They're both probably sleeping."

If anything, she would have to talk with Lucia first to decide how they would tell Catalina. And right now, she really saw no point in getting Lucia out of bed to come down to the hospital to wait on uncomfortable chairs. For the time being, Montserrat settled for calling the others. She went with the obvious for reasons and only because they would notice she wasn't coming home the next morning.

"Montserrat!" Kara exclaimed as soon as she spotted her best friend in the waiting room.

Montserrat raised her gaze off the floor just as Kara and Sonny joined her. She looked exhausted and that was more than when they closed the case earlier.

Kara enveloped Montserrat in a tight hug. "Oh my goodness, how did this happen?"

Montserrat's shoulders slumped together. "I'm still trying to understand," she said weakly. No amount of coffee could stop her voice from shaking. "Clara — the-the barista where he was said somebody tried robbing them. He had a gun…"

The rest was pretty obvious.

"Did the girl get a look at him?" asked Sonny, already in detective mode. It was impossible to turn off, especially when it dealt with their own. Montserrat envied him at the moment because try as she might, she could not go into the same mode.

"I don't know," she said, sounding even more exhausted, "She says he wore a ski mask. She said, she said Raf—he talked to the man…"

"Okay, okay," Sonny knew this was probably the worst time to be talking about what happened. All Montserrat could think of was the pending surgery and that was completely fine. He could take the rest. "I'm going to call Liv, okay?"

"No…" Montserrat barely shook her head, "She's got baby Noah and…it's late."

"She would want to know, Montserrat," Sonny said, "If it was about anyone else, she would want to know. I'm calling her, okay?" Montserrat had no choice but to agree. "And that barista, do you know where she is right now?"

"She's in the cafeteria getting us some coffee. She's the one who made the 911 call," Montserrat sniffed, fresh tears brimming in her eyes, "She tended to the wound…" She had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop the tears from escaping, "She said there was a lot of blood and—" Her hands motioned in front of her stomach. She couldn't say more.

"Oh Montse," Kara took her best friend into another hug. At that point, Montserrat couldn't help from bursting into tears.

~ 0 ~

Kara stayed at the hospital to keep Montserrat company while Sonny took Clara back to the dessert shop. He had already called to inform Olivia and was waiting for them at the crime scene.

"Hey, no one else?" Sonny asked Olivia as soon as he saw she was by herself with the local officers.

"I have Rollins and Finn at the precinct doing security feed diligence," Olivia explained, "I'm giving Amaro a few days to, uh, digest…"

Sonny nodded. He wholeheartedly agreed that Nick needed a bit of rest after the case with his father. "Uh, well, this is Clara," he gestured to Clara beside him, "She was with Barba when everything happened."

Clara gave a bleak wave of her hand. It was clear she would rather be anywhere else than the shop.

"Sargeant Benson," Olivia introduced herself to the woman and shook hands with her. "I'm so sorry about this."

"Not as sorry as I am for your friend," Clara replied, causing a brief exchange of glances between the cops. "I should have done more but I…I was in slow motion. I can tell now — it's why he got distracted. I didn't get the phone so he went for his and that's when the other guy took his chance. If I would have just listened—"

"Hey, no, it's not your fault this happened," Olivia stepped in to clarify. "Let's just focus on what we can do right now and you, Clara, can do a lot for Rafael right now. Can you take us through the whole thing here?"

Clara nodded. She took a few steps towards the counter. "I was over there, waiting for your friend to order. He, um, he was on the phone. He pointed at the things he wanted but he didn't talk to me until after he hung up."

"Okay, alright, and then what happened?" Olivia said as she and Sonny followed her around the counter.

"He said he wanted to buy sweets — his girlfriend liked sweets a lot."

"And then?"

"I told him about the blueberry champagne donuts…" Clara trailed off seeing the infamous donuts on the floor near the counter and a couple still on the counter where she had left them. "We were going back and forth with them. I told him it was a compromise since they're sweets and alcohol. He told me he wanted four so I went to grab a bag…" She paused, taking a moment to force herself to swallow down and not get overwhelmed thinking about what had come next. "And then he came in."

"The man with the ski mask?" Sonny presumed, glancing back at the entry doors. Nothing had been broken. The perp had come in easily and left as such.

"Yeah," Clara said quietly, her eyes falling over the metal tray stand on the floor, "Your friend talked to him. I was on the floor — the thief wanted me there — and they talked for a couple minutes."

"Was Rafael trying to talk him down?" Olivia presumed.

"I think so. He sounded really mad..."

"Of course," Sonny playfully rolled his eyes. Even in situations like these, Rafael would still find something to be mad about.

"And then I heard the metal tray. The guy fell, I think. I don't know, there were a lot of movement sounds after that until Rafael told me to get the phone."

Olivia stopped by the tray on the floor and studied the angle. She positioned herself as accurately as she could be to see how the situation must have gone by. Rafael was at the counter, he grabbed the closest thing to him and used it as a weapon. The perp fell. She'd check in with Amanda and Fin to confirm.

"If he was here, how did he end up on the floor all the way over there?" Sonny pointed to the spot near the glass wall, halfway across the shop.

"I told you, I wasn't moving fast enough," Clara said, feeling even more distressed now that she was thinking more clearly about it. "I should have moved but I didn't. So, he went for his phone."

"His phone was over there?" Olivia tilted her head, eyes gazing the distance between her current position and where the phone allegedly was.

"Yes," Clara nodded, noticing the strange looks the cops were sharing. "Do you guys not believe me?" That was the last thing she needed. "I-I'm not lying—"

"No, no, it's not that," Sonny mumbled. He went to the spot where Rafael had fallen, preferring not to focus so much on the dried blood stain on the floor. "The phone was here — why?"

Clara shrugged. "I don't know, the guy told him to throw his phone away."

"Throw his phone?" Sonny looked back, frowning.

"Yes!" Clara exclaimed. "Do you guys really think I'm making this up or what!? Why are you looking at me like that!?"

"Clara," Olivia started, putting her hands together, "The officers said nothing was taken from the register."

"Yeah, that's right," Clara confirmed.

"Okay, and he told Rafael to give his phone up but didn't take it."

"Yes!" Clara groaned. "Why!?"

Sonny walked back to the two, grim and serious. "This was never a robbery. Nothing was stolen, nothing was even damaged besides what Rafael used. This was all planned."

~ 0 ~

As soon as Olivia and Sonny returned to the precinct, they relayed their discovery to Amanda and Fin in the bullpen.

"You think this was a homicide?" Amanda was surprised and yet, after a couple seconds thinking about it, felt like it wasn't such a stretch. Their search through the security cameras didn't bring up much except for the unfortunate incident. The perp wasn't identifiable either under the mask.

"Attempted," Finn corrected, "Barba's not gone yet."

"What does Montserrat say about this?" Amanda wondered how erratic Montserrat would be with the news. She imagined Montserrat was already past frantic at the moment; this would make it all so much worse.

"We...haven't told her yet," Olivia admitted.

"She doesn't need to know about it right now," Sonny said sharply, intending for that to be the only warning Amanda and Fin needed to keep quiet. "We can take care of the technicalities on our own."

"Alright, so we run with this angle," Fin started, leaning back in his seat, "It doesn't exactly give us a small suspect pool. Barba's processed too many people to count."

Olivia agreed with Fin. "Let's start looking at the ones that have been recently released, if any. We'll work from there."

"Are we even allowed to work this case?" Amanda made the question once the tasks started being handed out. "We won't get IAB or anything?"

"I'd like to see them try," Olivia half smiled. That was a warning all on its own. "Besides, once I get done speaking with the D.A., I'm sure they'll want this seen to the end."

~0~

Kara returned from the cafeteria with two cups of coffee for her and Montserrat. She sat down beside the ginger, expecting the dead silence. It seemed like Montserrat had cried all she needed. Kara sighed and placed the cups of coffee on the side table stacked with magazines. She honestly thought silence was worse than tears.

"Montserrat — hey, stop that," Kara said, reaching to take Montserrat's hands apart. She was back to picking her nails. "You haven't done that in ages."

"I haven't had strong reasons," Montserrat mumbled.

Kara squeezed Montserrat's hands in hers. "You shouldn't. Rafael is not going to want to see your nails like that again."

"He knows why," Montserrat said quietly. At the moment, she didn't care if her double meanings were understood or not.

"It doesn't mean he would want to see that happen again," Kara reiterated, patting Montserrat's hands. "I'll do your nails later." She already saw spots of dried blood around Montserrat's nails.

"Hey, Novak!"

Montserrat's head snapped up, eyes falling on Nick just as he came to a sprinted stop beside their chairs. "Nick? What are you doing here? You've got the days off—"

"Forget about that," Nick said quickly, "Rollins texted me. How's Barba?"

"Still in surgery," Montserrat replied, "We've been waiting for someone to come out and tell us something — anything, at this point, really."

"Hey, it'll be alright," Nick said, bending down in front of Montserrat to hug her. "Guy like Barba — he doesn't go down that easily. I actually pity the fool who did this to him because when Barba gets through with him...yeah…"

Montserrat wanted nothing more than to take refuge in Nick's words. She thought he was right. Rafael was strong. He didn't go down without a fight. It's what he did for a living. But she couldn't find the strength to think like that right now. She couldn't see past the end of the surgery. Until the doctors came out and told her that everything was fine, she couldn't think of anything else.

"Thanks for coming," Montserrat settled for the polite thing to do at the moment. She pulled back from Nick, offering what she hoped was a decent little smile. She knew she looked like a mess right now.

"You said it, we're friends," Nick said, "And I want to be a better company for you than I was earlier. What you said about my father...you may have been right and I'll work on it."

Montserrat appreciated his honesty. "It's a long process, trust me. Still working on it myself."

"Maybe we can work on it together," Nick suggested, causing a small chuckle between the two. "In the meantime, I'm going to stay here with you."

"But your daughter…" Montserrat didn't want him to waste his only days with his daughter before she had to go back to L.A.

"She'll be sleeping until noon," Nick waved it off. "Don't worry." He gave an acknowledging nod at Kara before taking the seat on Montserrat's other side.

From there, the three of them began their collective waiting.

~0~

"Okay, so there were only three recently released convicts that were processed by Barba," Amanda told the others at the conference table. "We've eliminated one because of an alibi. He was working at the time of the assault."

"And the other two?" asked Olivia.

"Fin and I are about to go talk to the second one right now," Amanda said, getting an agreeing nod from Fin beside her.

"And the security feed?" Olivia turned eyes to Sonny who sat one chair down from her. He was engrossed in his laptop, watching the security feed of the dessert shop.

"The guy's in a ski mask all the time," he informed, eyes flickering up from the screen, "But Barba does clock him." He tried his best not to let any amusement slip from him but the fall of the suspect was more than hilarious. "Twice."

"Least the guy will have a mark to identify him with," Fin remarked.

"Anything else?" Olivia prompted them to keep the conversation going. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and reached inside for it.

"Clara was right," Sonny said, resigned. "The guy makes Barba throw his phone but he doesn't even take it. He doesn't even go near the register. He just talks to Barba then tries to shoot him."

"Yeah, we saw that too," Amanda said. "Robberies don't usually go down like that."

"But without Barba, we can't know what they were talking about," Sonny said, closing his laptop. He'd already seen the shooting and would rather not go for a repeat. "Because whatever they were talking about, it seemed to put both of them on edge."

"We'll have to wait until he's conscious then," Fin said.

"Well maybe we can start now," Olivia cut into the discussion as she looked up from her phone. "Surgery's done. Barba's out."

~0~

The group of detectives met the others at the hospital just as Montserrat was finished talking with the doctor. Her walk back to the group was slow, obviously exhausted, but nobody said a thing. They waited anxiously to hear the news.

"The surgery went fine," she said slowly, "But he's still unconscious. We have to wait to see how his body will react."

"Okay, well, we got past one bad step," Olivia said, hoping that would cheer Montserrat a bit. "He'll be okay, you'll see."

"I was telling Montserrat since Rafael's going to be out for a couple more hours, she should go home and get some rest," Kara said with eyes sharp and fixated on Sonny for backup. "She hasn't slept at all."

Sonny was quick to agree and, thankfully, so were the others.

"I can drive you over there," Sonny offered since he'd driven Kara to the hospital in the first place. "You need to eat something too. We can stop on the way for some take out."

Montserrat shook her head. "No, no, I don't want to leave him. And I'm not hungry."

"He probably won't wake up for a while, Montse," Sonny insisted, "He won't even know you're gone."

"I'll know," Montserrat argued, "I don't want to leave him here."

"How about this," Nick step forwards, "I can stay here while you go home. You rest, eat, shower — take care of yourself before you come back here, alright?"

Montserrat looked at the others. While they didn't outright say it, she was smart enough to know that this fight was lost the moment it started. They were just being kind enough to pretend that she had a choice. If she didn't walk out, they would drag her out.

"I will be back soon," she warned them. "Just...just gonna change and—"

"Sleep," Kara finished for her and wrapped her arm around Montserrat's. "Even just a nap! Sonny, let's go!" She was quick to start walking with Montserrat before the latter started putting up a fight.

~0~

One hour later, Kara was coming out of Montserrat's room with a tray of half eaten food. Sonny was finishing up a call when she joined him. She placed the tray of food on the table with a sigh. "She didn't eat very much."

Sonny made that conclusion with the half eaten sandwich still on the tray. "At least she drank," he nodded at the empty glass next to the plate. "She's sleeping?"

"Yeah," Kara shrugged, revealing a smirk. "I slipped in some nyquil."

Sonny openly gaped at her. "Kara!"

"Well!" Kara threw her hands above her head. "You heard her before we even walked into the apartment! Montserrat was swearing up and down that she wasn't going to sleep. She was only coming to shower and eat and head back to the hospital. I had to do something!"

"So you slipped Nyquill into her drink!?" Sometimes, Sonny couldn't believe half the things that came out of his mouth where Kara was involved. "You — you are insane!"

"Oh calm down, she's sleeping isn't she?"

"Not by choice!"

"She will be fine and well rested. She needs to sleep, doesn't she?"

Sonny knew he could stand there and argue with Kara all day long and still somehow lose. "You — she's going to kill you," he warned Kara instead. "She's absolutely going to kill you."

"It's a chance I'm willing to take," Kara smiled. "And she won't even know about the Nyquill. She'll just think she was so tired that she fell asleep."

Sonny shook his head. On some level, Kara was helping Montserrat out but it still didn't feel right.

"Let's move on," Kara suggested, something that Sonny could agree on given that he would have to leave soon. "What's going on with the case?"

"You know I can't tell you," Sonny gave her a look, one that Kara gave right back.

"Don't even waste time with that. You've told me about other cases."

"Difference being you weren't involved with the other cases," Sonny pointed out, "You are Montserrat's best friend. Anything I tell you, you're going to tell her and she's not up to hear any of this right now."

Kara took a moment to read between the lines. "Wait a damn minute, what can't Montserrat know? What did you find, Dominick?"

"Oh no," Sonny pointed at her, "Only my mother does that. You're not doing that!"

Kara rolled her eyes again. "Can we please just skip through all this!? What did you find out!?"

"Montserrat can't know anything! Promise me you won't tell her!"

"C'mon, we're not—"

"Promise me, Kara!" Sonny demanded. "Otherwise I will not tell you anything."

Now it was Kara who saw herself without options. She groaned. "Fine, I promise! Now tell me what you know!"

Sonny was still reluctant but, because he trusted Kara, he told her what they learned so far. By the time he was done, Kara had already sat down in the nearest chair. Her mouth was open in shock, eyes wide to match. "You think somebody wanted to hurt Rafael on purpose? Why?"

"He's a prosecutor. Unfortunately, it comes with the job," Sonny said. "It wouldn't be the first time a case like this happened."

"Okay, well...now I get why you don't want Montse to find out about this," sighed Kara. "But you do know that she will eventually find out and she'll kill you specifically because you're her partner and you didn't tell her." She reached forward and shoved Sonny. "And then you'll have me worrying about you because you're going to be dead."

Sonny half smiled at her. "It's a chance I'm willing to take." Kara deadpanned him for his use of her words. "I'm sorry. This is just for the better. Montserrat's head is all over the place. This will only just make it worse."

"I see your point but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty," Kara mumbled.

"We'll tell Montserrat eventually, I promise," Sonny said, "But for now, it's best to wait until things are better."

"Okay, fine," nodded Kara. "So what happens now?"

"We keep investigating," Sonny said, "We're rounding up possible suspects but honestly it's not going so well. There's too many to go through. Barba's worked as a prosecutor for a long time."

"Why don't you ask Casey Novak for help?" Kara's suggestion was both startling and puzzling. "Doesn't she work with Rafael on some cases? They're close at work. If anything, she can help you weed out the suspects."

Sonny started smiling widely. "Now I remember why I love you."

"Oh," Kara's voice went sharp enough to make Sonny wince, "So you didn't love me for a moment back there?"

"No, I just meant—" Once she got started again, Sonny started wondering if there was any more Nyquil left.

[adarafaelbarba]

“I love you. But you already know that.”

pairing: Rafael Barba x reader fandom: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit warning: Angsty but with a fluff ending.  A/N: I listened to “Stop and Stare” by OneRepublic on REPEAT for this! 🙈

His last words were haunting her, playing over and over again in her head. I can’t be with you, you deserve someone your own age. The words were taunting and teasing her, and she felt herself loose sleep over it.

Walking into the precinct, probably looking like death, she gave a small smile to her partner, Detective Carisi before sitting down at her desk, ready to get some work done, just while the time snailed by to leaving time. Just as it was constantly in the time since he left.

«You okay (Y/L/N)?» Carisi asked, looking at her. She looked at him, giving him a crocked smile.

«I’ll be alright Carisi», she said mustering up a somewhat believable smile before turning back to her work.

…

At lunch she went to get food from her normal deli, before returning to her desk to eat. Just a few more hours. You can do it! Just a few more hours until you can go home and drown your tears in cheap wine, Netflix and takeaway food, she thought to herself as she ate her lunch.

…

close to five there was a ding from the elevator, signaling it had stopped at the same floor she was at. She however didn’t look up, to immersed in work to bother.

«Barba! Let’s talk in my office», Benson said, and it felt like the air was leaving (Y/N).

A light breeze graced past the young detective as the Cuban ADA walked past her, and she kept her gaze fixed on her work.

«I can’t do this», she murmured as Barba had moved past her. Getting up from her seat, Detective (Y/L/N) grabbed her belongings before making her way to the elevator.

«Detective!» Benson said, catching the younger woman’s attention. «I still need you here.»

(Y/N) could hardly look at her lieutenant, tears threatening to spill. «I, uh, I don’t feel so good Lieu. Must be something I ate», she hated lying, especially to her superior officer, but she couldn’t be here, not while he was here too. «I’ll be back soon, I just—I need some air is all.» Which wasn’t a lie. Being in the same room as the man she loved, who in no way reciprocated the feelings, were just, chocking out every breath she had.

«Okay», Benson said, nodding her head before she went into the office with Barba.

As soon as the elevator doors closed, she started sobbing. The tears streaming down like a river. All the pent up emotions from the last couple of weeks just breaking free. She didn’t think she’d ever be stop crying once she started, yet it felt so relieving to just cry.

Entering the lobby she was about to exit the building when someone called her name. «(Y/N)! Wait! Please!» it was Barba, panting, trying to catch his breath as he made his way over to her. She tried to move away from him, feeling she could burst if she stood too close.

«Mr. Barba?» she said, trying to act as professional as anyone would towards their crush after sobbing in the elevator would.

«I’m sorry», he said, getting closer to her. «I’m sorry I hurt you.» His eyes were on her, pleading to be forgiven.

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing from him, and a feeling within her said he was just trying to ease his mind so not to feel guilty. «What changed your mind?» she asked, her voice low as she looked at the ground.

«I love you. I tried to tell myself that it wouldn’t work. That I was fooling myself for thinking you would love me, but I just, I love you and I can’t be without you», he said, resting two fingers under her chin as he lifted her face to look at her. «I’m in love with you (Y/N). As much as it scares me. So if you’re willing to give this old man a ch—!!!» kissing him passionately, tears spilled again from her eyes as she cried, only this time it was happy tears.

«I love you too Rafael. But you already knew that», she said, laughing through her tears.

«I don’t mind hearing it again cariño», he replied, kissing her again, one hand cupping her cheek, the other wrapped around her waist.

«I love you Rafael. So much!» she said, kissing him passionately.

«I love you too (Y/N)! So much!»

[thatesqcrush]

LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU NOT  BINGO MASTERLIST

All fics are reader insert unless otherwise denoted & you should assume all are NSFW.

@thatesqcrush

Voire Dire, Part 3 (Barba)

Ivy & the Ink (Nevada Ramirez)

Fall From Grace, Pt. 11: Case of the Ex (Kneef)

Drinks & Theories (Barson)

The Nanny (Kneef)

Retrouvaille (Barba)

Time of the Month (Kevin Mulrooney)

@itsjustmyfantasyroom

Just Relax (Chilton)

Jealous (Barba)

Peaches N Cream (Barba)

Green Eyes (Barba)

Not So Blind (Amaro)

Since You Left (Barba)

Goodbye (Amaro)

Forever More (Chilton)

Ivory Dress (Amaro)

A Mature Date (Jackson Neill)

Sweet Serendipity (Barba)

Wages (Nevada Ramirez)

No Judgment (Dennis DiPalma)

Purple Love (Rafael Barba)

Via Email (Bryan Kneef)

Friendly Gossip (Barba)

Use to It (Amaro)

Understudy (Carisi)

Sweet Touch (Chilton)

Finally (Barba)

@law-nerd105

Drunk Love (Barba)

@beccabarba

Light in Your Eyes (Amaro)

Le Vice Anglais (Barba)

Handcuffs and Tea (Amaro)

Nevada & the Good Girl: Into the Dark (Nevada Ramirez)

Nevada & the Good Girl: Put on a Show (Nevada Ramirez)

Dinner to Go: Part 1, Part 2 (Nick Amaro, reader, Alex Cabot)

Summoned, Pt. 4 (Chilton)

Going Public (Kneef)

Nothing Sweet (Kneef)

Fine Wine (Barba)

Broken (Cabot)

Feelings (Rollins)

My Heart Says Cupcake (Amaro)

@dreamlover31

Love Me Like You Do (moodboard)

@storiesofsvu

Valentine’s Game (Calhoun, Barba)

You Can & You Will (Calhoun)

Found Family (Benson)

Put On a Show (Bryan Kneef)

Put On a Show (Part 2) (Bryan Kneef)

Snail Mail (Casey Novak)

Island Interlude (Casey Novak)

Uncoordinated (Mini Dodds)

Hidden Love (Alex Cabot)

First Date Blunders (Carisi)

Platonic Valentine (Kat Tamin)

What You’re Waiting For (Carisi)

Delectable (Rita Calhoun)

Bruised Ego (Barba)

Power Play (Kneef)

You Never Knew? (Carisi)

Forget You (Alex Cabot)

February Phone Call (Barba)

Not So Blind Date (Alex Cabot)

Negotiations (Barba)

@karens-imagined-world

Exam Prep Destress (Harvard!Barba)

Post-It (Carisi)

Goodbye, My Love (Mini Dodds)

PDA (Mini Dodds)

Move In With Me (Jackson Neill)

Oils & Marks (Mini Dodds)

Oral Sex (NSFW) - Harvard!Rafael Barba x reader

Candy and Flowers - Sonny Carisi 

First Date - Sonny Carisi 

Public Sex / Public Display of Affection (NSFW)

Aftercare - Nick Amaro

Love Me Like You Do - Mike Dodds 

Catchin’ Feelings - Bryan Kneef 

@teamsladsandgents

Glimpses (A Glimpse of the Future, Part 5.5) (Carisi)

Morals (Nevada Ramirez)

Out Like a Flame (Amaro)

The Tum (Barba)

My Beautiful Rose (Carisi)

Homemade Valentines (Olivia)

Take It Out On Me (Amaro)

Make It Up (Carisi)

A New Muse, Part 2 (Barba)

100% Certain (Carisi)

The Choices We Make (Barba)

Moving On (Jackson Neill)

Sister Troubles (Amaro)

Bella’s Wedding (Carisi)

Trying New Things (Barba)

Bar Games (Amaro)

24 Hour Flu (Carisi)

Dinner, Dancing & Doting (Mini Dodds)

Trying to Change (Amaro)

Study Buddy (Carisi)

Study Buddy, Pt. 2 (Carisi)

Catching Feelings (Barba)

Claimed As His (Barba)

Subtle (Amaro)

Lack of Communication (Carisi)

Time Tears us Apart, but Also Brings us Back (Barba)

@madamsnape921

I Believe You (Part 2) (Bryan Kneef)

I Believe You (Part 3) (Bryan Kneef)

On The Plus Side (Chilton)

@darkheart-brightsmile

It’s a Love/Hate Thing (Barba)

@alwaysachorusgirl

Almost Perfect (Chilton) 

Playing Matchmaker (Barba)

An Exile of Our Own Making (Barba)

We’ve Got Tonight (Barba)

@infiniteoddball

Saved Sauce (Calhoun, Fin)

@detective-giggles

Hobby (Barisi)

Secret Love (Barisi)

Forgotten Love (Barisi)

@navalcriminalimagines

Sit, Drink, Smile (Barba)

@redlipstickandplaid

Blind Date (Barba)

@the-hopeless-haze

I Hope He’ll be a Beautiful Fool... (Sonny Carisi/reader, past!Rafael Barba/reader)

@lovebennycolonmiguelgalindo

Cuddling (Amaro)

@tropes-and-tales

Memory of a Love (Carisi)

@prurientpuddlejumper

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Kneef, Ch.11 (Kneef)

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Kneef, Ch.12 (Kneef)

Crying in the Shower (Barba)

@crylovereblog   

Lucky (Casey Novak)

@dreamlover31

Love You Like I Do (mood-board ft. Barba)

@redlipstickandplaid

Fade Into You (Nick Amaro)

@altsvu

Sneaky on the 8th Floor (Carisi)

Surprise, Lets Be Valentines (Barba)

@raisethebarricade

Terrible, Horrible (No Good, Very Bad Date) (Barba)

@victimsofunsynchronizedpassion​

Exile, Pt. 1 (Barba)

Exile, Pt. 2 (Barba)

[indianajoness]

Barba and Stabler meeting in and out of court

[plaidbooks]

Everyone Deserves Love Chapter 14

A/N: This is another long one, and it’s some angst with a happy payoff at the end. Barba’s being threatened again, but not if Devon can help it! I do write Barba as kind of rude af to Sonny in this chapter, but tbh, he was pretty fucking rude to him when Sonny wanted to shadow him, so....

This is still dealing with the fall-out from Community Policing, and he’s still not being threatened by the dude from canon. He will show up, I promise.

P.S. I wrote this and edited it multiple times before I realized it takes place on Friday the 13th

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tags: talks of threats, guns, some in depth descriptions of bullet wounds (I spent, like, and embarrassing amount looking up info/accounts from paramedics on this shit)

Words: 6071

Taglist: @the-baby-bookworm @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @dianilaws @ben-c-group-therapy @glowingmess @infiniteoddball @whimsicallymad  @detective-giggles

Apartment of Rafael Barba and Devon Motely

Friday, October 13th. 9:05am

Devon was pacing in the living room, hands running through her hair roughly. Barba watched her from the loveseat, trying to not get riled up himself.

“Hermosa, calm down. We’ve dealt with this before. It’s not that big of a deal,” he started slowly.

Devon whipped to look at him. “Not a big deal? Rafa, someone left a threatening note on your desk! They had access to your desk, your office. What if I’m not there? It’s not like before; I’m not around you 24/7 anymore, I can’t—”

“Dev, come here,” he said, patting the cushion next to him. She looked at him, eyes hard, before she came over and plopped down next to him with a “harrumph.”

“Plenty of people can get in there. Nothing happened; I’m fine. Besides, what’s the point of getting so worked up over this?” he asked.

“Nothing happened this time!” Devon was up again, pacing continued. “I’m calling in today; I don’t care what Jenkins says, I’m not leaving your side.”

It was Barba’s turn to sigh. “Don’t you think you’re being a little over-protective? How do you know someone will attack me today? How do you know some other nutjob won’t come out of the woodworks to threaten me some other time?”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve been threatened; it won’t be the last,” Devon replied.

“So, what? You’re just going to stay by my side until someone shows up?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

Barba grabbed Devon’s wrist as she passed by him, stopping her in her pacing. She turned to look at him, expression softening when her eyes met his.

“I just…I don’t know what else to do…” she said softly. “I couldn’t live with myself if something happened….”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me,” he started, but when he saw her gearing up for a fight, he added, “stay with me today; we can talk to Liv about having a detective with me afterwards, okay?”

He was trying and that made Devon smile, tears in the corner of her eyes; she knew how much he hated being protected—babysat, as he thought of it. “That would be perfect. I could track down whoever did this; maybe send a message to the NYPD to back off. But does SVU have the people to spare with Amaro gone?”

Barba smiled sarcastically. “They got a new Sergeant; Mike Dodds,” Devon didn’t miss the last name—same as the Deputy Chief of SVU. “Plus, Carisi has asked to shadow me. Has he mentioned to you that he’s taking night classes at Fordham Law?”

“Only a couple hundred times,” she replied. She had met Sonny a few times now, and she wasn’t sure how much she trusted the young detective to watch Barba in her stead. But it was better than no one, she supposed; he had gotten a message to her through Jenkins about the threats against Barba…something she still had to ask him about. “Fine. You get me today, then Sonny afterwards. But, if he gets called into work, you better call me or so help me, Rafael, the NYPD won’t be your only concern.”

Office of Rafael Barba

1 Hogan Place

Friday, October 13th. 1:18pm

“Just like old times,” Devon smiled, stabbing at a piece of orange chicken. They had hidden in Barba’s office, trying to sneak a bite to eat between court appearances. Devon had noticed the officers working in the courts shooting Barba a dirty look, but they looked away when they saw the impressive glare Devon shot back, her hand resting easily on her glock, daring any of them to make a move, to say anything to the counselor. She wasn’t shy about intimidating people, especially when it came to Barba. And she wanted to send these assholes a message, which is also why she had her FBI badge also on clear display.

“I was thinking the same thing,” Barba smirking, sipping his fourth coffee of the day. The day had gone by smoothly enough, not shocking to either of them; Barba did have a point about the likelihood of receiving a threat today. But it still put Devon on edge, her normal anxieties racing through her. She hated the waiting the most; every noise, every look from a stranger, every reach for a phone, made her jump, reaching for her gun. As usual, Barba was calm, collected. It was like having someone threatening his life was just a normal Tuesday. She couldn’t wrap her head around it.

She sat up straighter in her chair, putting her food down and turning towards the door seconds before there was a knock.

“How do you do that?” Barba mumbled before calling out, “come in.”

Devon smirked as Sonny came in, shutting the door behind him.

“Hey Barba, Devon,” he greeted in his thick New York accent. Even with all the complaining Barba made about the Detective, she liked him. He was like a puppy; that was the only way Devon could describe him. She hadn’t gotten a chance to work with him often, but she liked it when it did happen.

“Hey Sonny. What’s new?” Devon asked.

“I thought I told you tomorrow,” Barba said before he could respond.

Sonny frowned at him. “Yeah, ya did. But I thought I’d sit in the gallery today. Just take some mental notes...maybe give Devon a break.”

“That’s sweet of you; you can keep me company in the gallery,” Devon replied, glaring at Barba. “Don’t be rude; you’re going to be teaching Sonny some things.” Besides, it was nice having another pair of eyes watching Barba’s back.

Barba rolled his eyes. “Right. Shadows don’t talk and they have no opinions,” he instructed the taller man. Sonny smirked, knowing that Barba was joking. Kind of.

“It’s okay, I had the same rules when I first started working with him,” Devon stage whispered behind her hand. Barba shot her a glare.

Courthouse

Friday, October 13th. 4:30pm

“Nice win,” Devon grinned, giving Barba a half-hug and a peck on the cheek in the corridor outside the courtroom. They had disclosed, and their relationship was old news, but Barba wasn’t much into PDA; he was much more into leaving marks on her in private, letting others know who she belonged to. Devon acquiesced, agreeing that it was safer for them in the long run, keeping their public touches brief; a brush of skin, a quick kiss, shared looks that lasted too long. It was especially hard when they were alone in his office, his sleeves rolled up, shirt half unbuttoned. Or the nights where he wanted to play, to see how far he could go without anyone noticing the touches he gave his girlfriend, the things he whispered in her ear.

“This was an easy one,” he replied, smirking back. Their little moment was broken when Sonny came out of the courtroom and started bombarding Barba with legal terms and maneuvers that went over Devon’s head, even with her months in the courtroom watching her boyfriend work. She resigned to looking at the crowd of people, looking for danger, her eyes stopping short on a familiar face.

“Olivia! What’re you doing here?” Devon asked, waving the newly appointed Lieutenant over.

“Hey Dev. Ah, I’m just here to pick up a warrant,” she replied, smiling at the three of them.

“No problem,” Barba said, obviously ignoring Sonny and jumping at the chance to lose the younger man. “I left it in my office.”

The four of them made their way to the doors, Devon and Barba in the lead, the SVU detectives behind them.

“Think we’ll be home for dinner tonight? Or should we just get takeout?” Devon asked, opening the door, and heading towards the stairs.

Barba thought about it. “I think I only have one trial to prep for, so it should be an early—”

“GUN!” Devon shouted. Time seemed to slow. Devon was a step below Barba, looking towards the street. A man was standing at the base of the stairs, gun raised, aimed right at Barba’s heart. As Devon shouted, she moved, shoving her body in front of his, a gunshot ringing out. A moment later, another gunshot sounded, the man dropping, a bullet hole appearing in his chest, darkness staining his shirt. Another moment passed, and Devon was collapsing in front of Barba, onto the stone steps. Instinct took over as he dropped his case, hands barely catching her head before it cracked against the stairs. He knelt down next to her, body numb, mind going blank, unsure of what the hell just happened.

Instantly, Olivia was there, ripping her jacket off and pushing it against Devon’s left shoulder, between her collar bone and armpit—Barba vaguely noticed the blood staining Devon’s shirt. Sonny was yelling into a radio, but Barba didn’t hear him, he just stared at Devon’s face. Her eyes were closed, face expressionless, skin growing paler by the second.

“No no no,” he thought, or did he say it aloud? He couldn’t be positive; all he knew was that Devon was shot. She was shot and it was protecting him, saving him. She always got hurt because of him; this was all his fault. How could he have been so selfish to have let her be there today when he knew, he knew there was a chance of this…

“10-13, officer down. I repeat, officer down. We need a bus here, now. Officer’s been shot,” Sonny kept saying it over and over again. He took one look at Olivia and Barba kneeling over the down agent, before he took off down the stairs, trying to get some sort of crowd control and get the people away from the would-be assassin.

“Stay with us, Devon. Stay with us,” Olivia was saying. She was murmuring it like a prayer, more to herself than to Devon. And still, Barba just knelt there, staring into his girlfriend’s face. She was breathing, he could see it, but for how much longer? He looked down to where Olivia’s jacket was pushed against Devon’s torso; there was so much blood. How could anyone survive after losing so much blood? It hit him then that he may lose her; that Devon may not wake up from this. And he didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, their last conversation about dinner….

After what seemed like years—or was it a few minutes?—hands were on his shoulders, pulling him away. Barba was reluctant to let go of Devon, but he had no strength to fight them; they moved him however they pleased, shoving him gently away from her. He vaguely noticed it was paramedics, three of which were now crowded around Devon’s unmoving body. Olivia had an arm wrapped around Barba’s shoulders, though he didn’t feel it, nor did he feel Sonny’s presence behind him as they watched the medics lift Devon onto a stretcher, carry her down the stairs, then into an ambulance.

Olivia led Barba, arm still around his shoulders, to her squad car. She put him in back, Sonny taking the front seat. She flipped on her lights and followed the speeding ambulance.

Mercy Hospital

Friday, October 13th. 11:30pm

Barba sat in the waiting room, elbows on his knees, chin resting on his hands. He stared at the same spot on the floor that he had since they arrived hours ago. Olivia sat next to him, only leaving to inform the SVU detectives and FBI agents that appeared in support of Devon on her condition, and to grab a coffee or snacks. She long since gave up trying to give Barba either, or even talk to the man; he had shut down, going so deep inside himself that no one could reach him. People came over and mumbled condolences, or attempted to assure him how strong Devon was, but to no avail. They might as well be talking to a brick wall.

“The bullet nicked her brachial artery; she was lucky she didn’t bleed out on the courthouse steps,” Olivia informed Fin when he arrived. “It then ricocheted into a rib, causing it to splinter. She’s still in surgery; she lost a lot of blood on the steps. They had to do three transfusions, and they had to get the bone fragments out. As long as the bleeding stops, she should be fine.”

All of this went in one ear and out the other for Barba. He kept replaying their last conversation in his mind; Devon’s smile, thinking about dinner that night, happy to just spend the day together before she went back to work.

He thought about the first time they met, in that cop bar, how she had saved him in that dark alley. He thought about how she protected him at Jordan’s coffee stand, so intent on neutralizing the Olivera brothers that she didn’t notice she had been stabbed. He thought about the conviction in her eyes when she had shot Marco Sorrel, then the pain when he had yelled at her for it. He thought about her calling him in the middle of the night after weeks of no contact, her voice frenzied when she had heard about how he was threatened. She always worried about him, always wanted to protect him. Of course, he had always worried about her, too, especially with her job. Every time she kissed him goodbye, leaving to go to God-knows-where, he was terrified that it would be the last time he saw her. So far, he had only gotten one phone call from her, on her way to the hospital, a bullet having grazed her. He wanted to be there for her, too, to protect her for a change. But he was an attorney, his only weapon was the law, his suits his armor. How could he ever hope to protect her?

By not getting yourself involved in shit like this, he thought to himself, cursing himself for his stupidity. It was true that the DA’s office had forced this case upon him, but he didn’t balk from it, didn’t even attempt to turn it down. Quite the opposite, he wanted this case, because he knew he could secure the indictment, get the conviction. And the officers involved did deserve it; they deserved to be brought to justice. But Barba knew that this would put a target on his back, he knew and yet he still went through with it. And now Devon was in surgery, a bullet in her shoulder, and who knew if she would survive? Barba had been praying to every God he could think of every moment that he sat in the uncomfortable lobby chair that she would live, that she would be alright. He closed his eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to overtake him. In his mind’s eye, he could see Devon’s soft smile, a twinkling in her brown eyes as she looked at him. But, if he looked too long, her eyes would close, the smile would vanish, and she was an expressionless corpse on the courthouse steps.

Finally, the waiting room fell silent as the head doctor walked into the opening. As if roused from a deep sleep, Barba looked up at him, peeling his chin from his hands, the skin sticking slightly. He shot to his feet, pushing past everyone as if they weren’t there, coming to stand in front of the doctor, desperate for news.

“How is she, Doctor?” Olivia asked, coming to stand behind Barba. He silently thanked her, unable to form words of his own.

The doctor looked between them both, taking his dear sweet time to answer. Barba wanted to throttle him. “Miss Motely is out of surgery and is in recovery. It was touch and go there for a moment; she coded twice on the table. But we’ve done all we can; it’s up to her now.”

Barba’s stomach dropped to his feet, his heart fluttering in his chest. Devon died? Twice? He felt like his legs were going to give out any moment.

“Can I see her?” he whispered, voice barely audible. His throat was tight from lack of use, mouth dry.

“Not yet. Once she wakes up, then she can have visitors. Only one at a time, though,” the doctor informed him before turning and heading off to whatever else he needed to do.

Olivia must have sensed Barba’s legs giving out, because she wrapped his arm around her neck, helping walk him over to an unoccupied chair.

“She’s going to be okay, Rafa,” she whispered to him, squeezing his shoulder in support. He simply nodded, withdrawing back into himself, finding a new spot on the floor to stare at. She coded twice on the table, the doctor’s voice echoed in his head. Barba closed his eyes, one tear slipping down his cheek.

Mercy Hospital

Saturday, October 14th. 5:05am

Most of the SVU and FBI personnel left late the night before, after hearing the doctor’s words, asking to be kept informed on Devon’s condition. They would have stayed, but most had work the next day. Plus, they also heard the doctor say that only one person at a time could visit with Devon, and they knew that that time would be taken up by her boyfriend and close friends. Olivia was going to stay, but Sonny eventually convinced her to leave, citing that she had a child at home to take care of, and that he’d call her the moment Devon woke up. Besides, Sonny had the time; he was the one who shot the man that shot Devon, so he was off work while IAB investigated. Though, Tucker had already all but assured him that he would be cleared; there was enough witnesses to the shooting to know that Sonny had made a good shoot, even with the previous pressure from the public about police brutality. So, Barba and Sonny were left in the waiting room. Sonny had left at some point, but came right back, laptop and textbooks in hand.

“Might as well do homework,” he joked to Barba who made no inclination that he heard. Barba was still staring at the floor. Sonny wasn’t sure if the man had even blinked. He knew that he needed to break Barba out of his withdraw, but he had been unsuccessful. He tried asking the most obvious questions about law, quoted things incorrectly, even tried to justify the Ted Bundy murders. But nothing made the ADA so much as glance at the detective. He soon gave up, resigning to do his work in silence. He couldn’t imagine what the older man must be feeling. He sent a silent prayer for Devon, then turned his focus to the upcoming bar exam.

Barba had decided to distract his mind from that sentence—she coded twice on the table—by trying to bring up every detail about Devon he could think of. He started with physical, the way she flipped her hair over her shoulder when she laughed, the way her eyes lit up when she was being mischievous, the way she tapped her fingers against her leg when she was nervous. He loved the way she bit her bottom lip when she was waiting for him to answer her. He loved the way she scrunched up her nose when he made a bad joke. He loved the way she dragged her nails over his skin when they were in the bedroom together, loved the way she sighed contently when he pulled her in for a deep kiss.

He thought about how often she worked, even on her days off. How many times they had been relaxing on the couch, only for her to answer Olivia’s call, or the rare call from Jenkins. He thought about the few times he overheard her talking to victims, whether on the phone or in the precinct. There were even a few times she helped talk to witnesses he had to prep from trial. Hell, even when they went for a walk in the park, she’d help someone whose dog had gotten loose, or gave money to a homeless person, or helped an elderly lady across the street….

I can’t live without her, he realized suddenly. But God, wasn’t that the most selfish thought he ever had? She got stabbed because of him, lost sleep because of him, was shot and died twice during surgery because of him; how the hell could he possibly be thinking of himself at a time like this?

“Mr. Barba?” a nurse called from the entryway. His head snapped up, eyes locking on the woman. “Miss Motely is awake and asking for you.” He hesitated for the briefest of moments, before Barba abandoned the chair, almost rushing past the nurse in his hurry to get to her room, to see Devon, to make sure she was still alive, selfish or not.

Mercy Hospital

Saturday, October 14th. 6:00am

Devon had her eyes closed, though she was awake, alert—well, as alert as she could be with the amount of morphine pumping through her system. It was enough that she didn’t really feel any pain; her mind was floating a little, and she found it hard to focus. She slowly opened her eyes, though, when she heard the door to her room open, Rafael Barba peeking in. She smiled sheepishly, as if she had been caught doing something embarrassing.

“Hey,” she whispered, the loudest she could be, really. She felt weak, tired. Not shocking all things considered. She didn’t remember much, though; she remembered a man at the bottom of the stairs, him aiming a gun at Barba, a pain in her shoulder—

“Hey,” he croaked out, voice not much louder than hers. He came into her room fully, closing the door behind him. He pulled the visitor chair closer to her bed, then sat down gently, eyes never leaving her face. That was when the tears formed, making Barba’s green eyes brighter. He reached out and enveloped her pale hand in his big, warm one, and squeezed her gently.

“I’m okay,” she whispered, tears now stinging her eyes. “I’m okay.”

He smiled, relief evident in his face, as well as a fear that Devon could disappear any moment. “I almost lost you,” he murmured, tears really falling now, on both of their faces.

“But you didn’t.”

They sat like that for what seemed like forever, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes, silently crying in relief that they were still here, still together.

“This is all my fault—”

Devon cut him off, “don’t you dare blame yourself for this, Rafael. It’s not your fault some bastard tried to shoot you.”

He sniffled. “But it is. I knew that taking that case could result in that, in this. And I let you come to the office today, to-to protect me—”

“You didn’t let me do anything. I took the day off willingly. I went to your office with the intention of protecting you. And I did exactly that; you’re safe, you’re okay. That’s all I ever want, Rafi, is for you to just be safe….”

Barba sat there, staring at his lover’s face, trying to look for anything, for the smallest sign that she was lying, that she really hated him, blamed him for this. But all he found was love in her eyes; love and a profound relief that he was okay. He squeezed her hand tighter, and she flipped hers over, interlacing their fingers and squeezing him back.

“So, about dinner…” Devon started, trying to break the tension.

Barba chuckled, shaking his head. He wiped his face, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “I think you’re stuck with shitty hospital food for a while, Cariño.”

“Ugh,” she said, leaning her head back on the pillows in mock exasperation. “Sneak me in some good food?”

“I’ll try, mi amor,” he raised her hand to his lips, kissing the back of it gently, his heart full.

Devon gave him one of her sweet smiles, and he swore he melted right then. How could he ever have lived without her? He silently thanked every God he could think of for not taking his love from him, not yet.

“At least there’s one good thing about all of this,” Devon said.

Barba furrowed his brow. “Please enlighten me, because I think this is possibly the worst thing to ever happen.”

Devon nodded. “True, it’s not…great. But I will be able to spend more time at home for a while. At least half a year, probably longer.”

“And you, of all people, are okay with that?”

It was true; Devon had trouble staying still. Even on her days off, she was normally out doing something, dropping by SVU or Barba’s office. The only time she was content with staying home was on the rare occasion that they both had a day off.

“I mean, I’m going to have to be. Besides paperwork, there’s not much I can do with a bullet hole in my shoulder and a reconstructed rib. No field work for a bit,” she replied.

Barba nodded; he knew she was going to be a homebody for a while. Which was fine with him. As much as they both supported each other, pushed each other in their careers, he was always afraid when she went out that door; afraid that she wouldn’t come back. He wouldn’t ever admit it, but he was glad she’d be safe at home, even if she went mad with boredom.

“We’ll have to find something for you to do. Maybe you can help me with trials or help SVU with something, like consultations…we’ll talk to Liv about it,” he suggested.

“And besides, now I can be around to protect you,” she joked, grinning. But her smile faded as she saw the pain flicker across Barba’s face.

“You’re not working. Not for a while,” he ordered in a tone that said that she would not be able to argue against it. At least, not anytime soon.

Devon agreed begrudgingly, and Barba stood, making up his mind. “I’m going to go grab a coffee, call Liv and let Carisi visit, if you’re up for it? I’ll be back in right after.” Devon agreed again, and Barba left, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead. He was reluctant to leave her, but he knew that others would want to visit, too.

Sonny was relieved to see some of the life coming back into the counselor as he re-entered the lobby. “You’re up,” he told the detective. Once Sonny headed down the hallway, Barba called Olivia.

“Hey, Liv. Devon’s awake; you can come visit her. But first, I need you to pick something up from my loft.”

Mercy Hospital

Saturday, October 14th. 3:30pm

Sonny didn’t visit long—he started with a reenactment of the shooting, then into a spiel about how everyone was happy Devon was okay, and ended with needing to study for an exam—and Olivia showed up at the tail end of it. She handed Barba the thing that he had asked for, which he tucked into the inner jacket pocket of his suit. She then made her way to Devon’s room. This visit lasted longer, ending around lunchtime. When Olivia came out, she told Barba, to his dismay, that Devon had fallen asleep.

“She needs her rest to recover fully,” Liv explained. He knew that already, but his skin was on fire, his heart pounding, wanting to see her again. It was a different kind of buzzing than before; he knew she was alive, that she was going to be okay. Now, he just wanted to see her, talk to her. If Devon coding twice on the operating table showed him anything, it was that life was short, and that he needed to speak his mind sooner rather than later, selfish or not.

He waited a few hours until he couldn’t wait any longer. He got up from the waiting room chair and made his way to her room. He cracked open the door as quietly as he could, shuffling in and closing it softly behind him. Devon was still laying in the bed, dozing softly, chest rising and lowering slowly. The only sounds in the room were the whirling and buzzing of the machinery checking her vitals and the lights softly humming above them.

Barba sat in the chair by her bed, watching her sleep. Devon’s face had regained some of its color since waking up that morning—something about hospital beds made people look much paler than they were--but he was glad to see a rosy-ness in her cheeks that wasn’t there before. Her thick brown hair was a mess around her. Her eyes were fluttering lightly, as if dreaming, her mouth slightly ajar, a thin line of drool at the corner of her mouth. Barba could watch her sleeping forever, even with the nervous buzzing in his mind; she looked so peaceful, so relaxed. The only thing out of place was the hospital sheets and pillow, not their bed, their pillows. Plus, her left arm in the bright blue sling, bruise already forming from the surgery, peeking out from the neck of her gown. He was hoping that she didn’t have to stay here too long, that he could take her home soon, dote on her in the comfort of their own place. He was definitely taking time off, no matter what McCoy said.

He sat there, listening to the soft sounds of her breathing for about an hour, his nerves ebbing away, feeling fully at peace listening to the music of her asleep, watching her chest rise and fall softly, a stark reminder that she was here, that she was alive. Finally, her eyelids fluttered before fully opening.

“Morning,” she said groggily, yawning. She raised her right arm above her head, stretching, then attempted to scoot her butt back, sitting up.

“Afternoon,” he replied back, smiling.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep—I wanted to see you again—”

Barba held up a hand. “No need to apologize. Sleep is good. You should do it more. I’ve been telling you that for almost two years now.”

“Oh god, it has been two years, hasn’t it?” she grinned, smacking her forehead. Indeed, in three months, it would be two years since they met in a dingy bar. They had been dating for a year and a half. It somehow seemed like they had always been together, but also like they were still in the beginning stages. They had never left the “honeymoon” stage, Devon supposed; they were still very much infatuated with each other. She wasn’t sure if that was a testament to how deeply they cared for each other, or with how little they actually saw each other; out of the year and a half, they may have actually spent about a year together. Even so, Devon couldn’t imagine spending her time with anyone else.

Barba chuckled, but then his face changed. His eyes were sparkling, those piercing green eyes locked with hers. His grin faded, but he still looked happy, content. Devon furrowed her brow; she’d never seen this look before, wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. There was a familiarity in it, some sort of barely suppressed excitement which only confused Devon more. He put his hand on the bed next to hers, palm up; a silent question. Devon instantly moved her hand into his and he closed his around hers, his thumb tracing patterns over the back of her hand.

“I love you, Devon,” he started, voice soft, but strong. Unwavering, confident, as if he were born to say them. “Yesterday, I thought that I had all the time in the world to tell you, to show you how much I loved you, in every sense of the word. Then, I learned that that was a foolish thought, something that I should—both of us—should know, should expect in our professions. So, instead of painstakingly planning for the perfect moment, something I’ve been doing for months, by the way, I’m just going to do this now.”

Speech finished, Barba scooted out of the chair, dropping to one knee beside her. Tears sprung instantly to Devon’s eyes. “Are you kidding me?” she breathed out.

Barba chuckled, eyes sparkling in the hospital lights. “Far from it.” He reached into his jacket pocket with his free hand, pulling out a long, thin black box. He took his hand back from her grip, opening the box, and Devon gasped. Inside, nestled in red velvet, was a silver dagger, the hilt intricately carved with little roses, small gemstones laid in between the petals. It wasn’t a dagger for use, simply for show. An engagement dagger.

“Devon Motely, I can’t imagine my life without you; these past 24 hours have proven as much to me. There’s no better time to ask in my mind than right here, right now; will you marry me?” Barba asked, eyes searching hers. If he was going to be a selfish bastard, then fuck it, he was going to go full selfish.

Her hand was shaking as she laid there in shock, a smile already tugging at her lips. “Yes. Of course, I will. Do you even need to ask?”

The smile that broke across Barba’s face could provide light for the whole city. “Well, that’s generally how it works,” he replied. She smacked his arm with her free hand.

“Shut up and kiss me,” she said, grabbing at his collar. He chuckled, getting off the hard tile and leaning over her for a kiss. Devon felt all the love and affection that they shared for each other in that kiss. Her heart soared, head dizzy, unable to believe that she was going to be able to spend the rest of her life with him.

“I cannot believe you found an engagement dagger,” she murmured against his lips.

He pulled back, collapsing into the chair and reclosing the box, tucking it back in his jacket for safe keeping. He still had the goofy grin on his face; he didn’t think it was going away anytime soon. “I actually found a small Rajput shop; turns out engagement daggers are still sometimes used in their culture.”

Devon had a matching grin. Devon Barba, she thought, liking the sound of it. She loved that he remembered such a little detail she said over a year ago; he knew she hated jewelry. Not only did rings—especially with gems—catch on things, but they were also dangerous in her job. It was like telling a perp “hey! I’m married, so if you need any leverage, just go after my loved ones!” But she also knew Barba. And, even more, she knew his mom.

“Don’t get me wrong; that dagger is gorgeous, and I absolutely love it. But Mama Barba would never accept that. Besides, I know that you’re old fashioned, too, baby,” Devon took his hand and kissed his knuckles. “After I’m released from this prison, we’ll go ring shopping, okay?”

“Are you sure? I know you hate rings, and I don’t care what mom—”

“I’m sure. And don’t you dare say you don’t care what your Mamí says!” she admonished.

Just then a nurse knocked, before coming in. She started checking Devon’s vitals, which Devon was sure showed a higher heart rate, seeing as she was still soaring. She was engaged! She looked at her fiancé—fiancé—and grinned. She realized that she was going to be able to wake up next to that face every morning, see it every day, lay next to it every night. She made up her mind then and there. She was going to retire from the Bureau. She refused to put her future husband through this kind of pain and torture ever again. And while she didn’t get this particular wound while working for the Bureau, it wasn’t a long shot from what could happen while undercover. What’s has happened a couple times since they started dating, even, though maybe not as severely. She didn’t know what she was going to do yet, but she didn’t care; as long as she got to spend the rest of her life with Rafael Barba, she felt like she could do anything.

[storiesofsvu]

Opposing Counsel Ch 1

Warnings: language, smut.

Rafael Barba walked into the small dive bar not exactly thrilled with the environment, but it was a block away from his apartment, and he didn’t want to deal with the squad after that shit show of a trial. He also didn’t want to deal with the 3 piece suit, having gone home to change quickly first, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a navy Henley. The bar wasn’t packed, but it wasn’t empty, considering it was a Tuesday night he figured most of the patrons were regulars, especially considering the wood was rather occupied, and everyone seemed to be familiar with the bartender. There were a few open spots, one next to you, which he figured was the best choice. 

You were occupied with your phone while you picked at the plate of fries in front of you, dressed in worn jeans and a tank top, what looked like a cozy workout zip up pulled over top, the sleeves rolled up. Your hair was loose, cascading around your shoulders, and Rafael couldn’t help but feel an attraction towards you, so completely different from his everyday life. You barely noticed him approaching, nearly jumping as his voice interrupted your train of thought.

“Mind if I sit..” He gestured to the empty chair. You met his gaze, green eyes softly boring into yours, you smiled, placing your phone down.

“Not at all.” 

“Thanks.” He moved into the chair, eyes surveying the liquor bottles behind the bar before the bartender came over to him, he ordered a double scotch, while you asked for a second gin and soda when she asked how you were doing.

“Rough day? Or is that your usual?” Rafael took in your smirk as your lips closed around the straw of your drink.

“Is both an acceptable answer?” 

“I suppose so…” You giggled lightly, which made Rafael swoon a little bit, you extended your hand, “Y/N.” He took it in his, warm and electrifying,

“Rafael.” He smirked over at you, “You spend a lot of times at dive bars?” You openly laughed at that, throwing your head back, Raf not missing how much he suddenly wanted to bury his mouth against your bare neck.

“It’s close to home, and they’ve got amazing fries.” You countered, moving the basket closer to him, inviting him to take one. 

****

A few hours passed as you and Rafael continued your flirting, you’d talked about your childhoods, reminiscing about all the silly things you did as kids, laughing together easily, the chemistry flowing through you with comfortable ease. You spoke about your favourite movies, books and more, surprised when the lists were very similar. The air was thick with a lustful tension, you couldn’t help but find your hand tracing up against his thigh as you moved closer together, not shocked when his hand gripped your bicep, moving your attention to his eyes.

“I..don’t suppose you’d be interested in getting out of here?” Rafael decided it was now or never to be bold, what were the chances of him running into you anywhere else? And he certainly wasn’t planning on returning to the dive bar (though if it guaranteed getting to see you…he just might…) You shot him a smirk, a glint in your eyes, 

“Thought you’d never ask.” Rafael threw down some cash, insisting that he was covering your tab too before you left the bar, making the quick escape over to his apartment. He welcomed you into his home, moving to kick off his shoes as you stepped out of yours, eyes exploring the place. It was almost too neat, like he never spent any time there, or had a maid service that came on Tuesday afternoons.

“Can I offer you a drink?” He spoke out, breaking the comfortable silence, you turned, moving back towards the kitchen island where he stood. You reached out, boldly taking his hand, pulling his body to yours, hands settling behind his neck.

“I think we both know I didn’t come for a drink.” You murmured against him, lips inches apart. He could feel your hot breath on his face, the smell of your perfume intoxicating his senses as his hands found their spot on your hips. Bold as you were, you let him take control, waiting for Rafael to close the gap between you, lips meeting yours in a soft but assuring kiss while he tugged your body against his. His tongue slid across your lips, you willingly parted them, granting access to your mouth, tongues swirling against each other in passion. As the kiss deepened you felt his hand slip down the curve of your ass, cupping it gently before giving a cheek a gentle smack. You moaned against him, scratching through the back of his hair, hips naturally rolling against his body. Your hands found the hem of his Henley, nails lightly scratching their way up his chest underneath the shirt, he groaned against your lips, pulling away to allow you to tear the shirt off. His green eyes drank you in, blown with lust, a fire behind them as you stripped off your own shirt revealing the lacy red excuse of a bra underneath. Rafael’s hands tickled softly at the bare skin of your sides, 

“Do you think we should take this to the bedroom?” His voice was quiet, you let out a small giggle, ever so articulate even in the heat of the moment.

“Unless you wanna fuck me against the kitchen counter I’d say that’s a good idea.” Rafael nearly paused, because he very much indeed did want to fuck you against the counter, hell, on about every surface in his house. He deduced that the bed was probably the best choice for the first time, practically dragging you down the hallway. You wrestled each other out of your jeans, hands and lips tracing each others body leaving trails of tingling heat behind them. Rafael’s hands groped and pinched at your breasts, letting your bra fall to the floor he leant down, pulling one into his mouth before the other. 

You let out a lust filled moan, feeling the wetness drip into your panties, you pulled Rafael up to your lips for a searing kiss that was all teeth and tongues. You bit into his lip, tugging it away from him, a smirk evident on your face as you slowly dropped to you knees. He let out a breathy groan when you cupped him through his briefs, your fingers toying with the waistband as you left a trail of messy kisses across his hip bones before freeing him from the briefs. You were more than pleasantly surprised at the heaviness of his cock, it was thick, and you already knew it was going to feel fucking amazing. 

Spreading the pre cum around it you gave him a few gentle jerks, his hips jutting towards you as he muttered something in Spanish. You chuckled, licking him from the base up, your lips encasing him, taking him halfway into your mouth before pulling back up. Rafael swore, letting out a heavy moan, the wetness and warmth of your mouth felt incredible as it encased his cock. His hands buried into your hair, tugging roughly as you took all of him in, gagging lightly as he hit the back of your throat.

“Fuck Carino…” He murmured, “Feels so good…” You hummed around him, hands coming up to cradle his balls, massaging gently, “Can you handle more?” You popped off his dick, a string of saliva connecting it to your mouth. Fuck did he ever think that was hot.

“Yes Sir…” 

“Good girl.” A thumb caressed your cheek before moving back into your hair, guiding you roughly back onto his cock as he began to fuck your face. You moaned around him, nails scratching into his thighs, while your other hand softly squeezed his balls. You’d taken a bet with yourself earlier in the evening that he was definitely going to be dominant, and you were more than pleased that you were right, basking in him taking control. Rafael was turning into a whimpering mess above you, not only was the feeling of your mouth absolute ecstasy but you’d submitted so easily, and you looked so fucking gorgeous with your mouth around his cock. He roughly pulled you off, tugging you up by your hair for a searing kiss, groaning at the taste of himself on your tongue before pushing you back onto the bed. 

You were quick to shove your panties down, baring yourself to the man in front of you, he pinned your arms above your head as he bit against the taut skin of your neck, grinding his hard on against you. Gasping and wriggling under his body, you mewled, begging for more friction on your sensitive nerves. One of Rafael’s hands moved down your body, finding the slick seeping out of your folds, he chuckled darkly,

“You’re soaking Carino…” He plunged a thick finger in, groaning himself at the feel of your warm walls constricting against him. After a few pumps he added a second one, stretching you out, preparing your cunt for the thickness of his cock.

“Rafa!” You gasped against his neck, pleading for more. He responded by beginning to roll your clit with his thumb, curling his fingers expertly as he added a third. He spiralled them around, rolling harder on your clit, his lips met yours again, plunging his tongue into your mouth, not able to get enough of the taste of you. You whined against his mouth as you felt your body tingling, exploding with pleasure, gripping onto Rafael’s bicep, nails creating little half moons from the intensity. You panted against his mouth, pulling away from the kiss, head thrown back in euphoria.

“God you’re beautiful when you cum.” He muttered against you. Leaning over to the bedside table he dug through the drawer before pulling out a condom, rolling it into his cock, he spanked the side of your hip, “Hands and knees Chiquita.” You instantly complied, more than ready for what was about to come. Shivering at the feeling of his tip running through your folds, still sensitive from your first orgasm before he slowly sheathed himself inside of you. Rafael let out a hearty groan at the feeling of your pussy wrapped around him, moving until he was fully seated inside you. He slowly retreated, you let out a whimper as he dragged past your g-spot, a small yelp when you felt a series of spanks across your reddening cheeks.

“Rafael…please…” You begged, he let out a dark chuckle, then began pounding into you. You dropped to your elbows, burying your face amongst the pillows. Fuck. He was filling you completely, the vigorous thrusts forcing you down into the bed, your body burning with utter desire. The room filled with the sounds of skin slapping skin, whimpers, moans and groans. Rafael swore when your walls started fluttering against him, spanking you again, hands gripping your hips tightly as he fucked you into the mattress. Fuck did you ever feel good wrapped around him, your little breathy moans leading him on, you took his cock so well, and you looked absolutely stunning as you did so. You were absolutely wrecked, blissed out, the way you squeezed your eyes shut, moaning out his name as your pussy clenched tightly onto his cock was too much, a few more spastic thrusts and he was done for, collapsing over you, trailing kisses across your bare skin as you both regained control. 

Panting, he gently pulled out, moving to the en suite to toss the condom and freshen up. You rolled over in the bed, attempting to catch your breath. Wow. You certainly hadn’t expected your night to end this fantastically, your body shivering in aftershocks. Rafael reentered the room, taking in the gorgeous view of your naked body sprawled on his bedsheets, a silky sheen of sweat glistening off your body, breasts heaving as you came back down to earth. Maybe he should start frequenting more dive bars. He sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down to give you a kiss, lingering as you scratched your hand through his dark hair. 

“That was….something…” You breathed out, pushing up to sitting beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Certainly was.” He smirked, “Offer for that drink still stands.” You laughed, moving through the room to start to gather your clothing, 

“Thank you, but I really should get going.” He followed your suit, pulling his briefs back on.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” You shot a smile, “I’ve got an early work thing.” You could see the tiniest hint of worry in his eyes, smirking, you picked up a pen from the dresser, etching your phone number on today’s date on his wall calendar. Moving to kiss him one last time, “Call me.” With a wink, you were gone into the New York night.

[qvid-pro-qvo]

posting schedule & updates!

new week? new posting schedule!

monday: agents and asphodel, ch. 4 (7:30 PM CST)

thursday: agents and asphodel, ch. 5 (7:30 PM CST)

sappy stuff under the cut... —>

so, once again, a few things to note.

y’all are incredible.

i’ve hit an insane amount of followers in like... no time at all because y’all are incredible.

i’m the luckiest person ever.

all of this is because of you guys. you’re such awesome people, and i’m so thankful you are fans of my writing and want me to write more. i love writing, and finding my muse here with hotch has been awesome.

i do wanna try to diversify my characters a bit. i do love leonard mccoy (ST: AOS), so he’s one i’m hoping to write for again, and i do want to attempt some for rafael barba (SVU).

more importantly though, i do want to keep writing for hotch, and you have made it so much fun to do so. so look out for that.

let me know what you want to see more of, my friends! i appreciate you! <3