#charlotte's loki series meta

[iamanartichoke]

I know its not abt thor. But was kinda waiting for one of the choices miss minutes gave to loki (and sylvie) as to see thor again

It may not have been explicitly offered by Miss Minutes, but I don't for a second believe that "seeing Thor again" did not cross Loki's mind as he considered all of the possible timelines he/they could have control over. Which further speaks to the strength of his character, I think, in that he could be handed everything he ever wanted - power (and, by extension, validity and respect), being with Sylvie, being with Thor again, being in love (with either one of them *tips Thorki hat*), etc etc -

and still, for the good of the universe, for the good of others, he says, "No."

[captain-azoren]

Just finished White knight and Red Queen and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope after Netflix comes out more people would flock into your fanfic just for the quality of your chapters. Also I read way too many charlotte so your fanfic was a refresher to me how you keep Azula in character. Love the Fire siblings relationship a lot of Azula stans shit on Zuko and you showed me a new perspective that Zuko feeling is complicated. Thank you for helping me when I was going thorough a rough time.

Thanks, it really means a lot to hear that :)

And yes, I did want to make Zuko's feelings complicated. I wanted Soren and Claudia's friendship with him and Azula to maybe open up his eyes a bit more than they are in canon.

Really, I think that's what I wanted this fic to do for readers in general, to give a newer, fresher perspective on Azula, to analyze who she from the other side of the war, through people who have no biases or prior knowledge. That's one reason why it's set during book 3 rather than 2.

To get a little meta, I think you can read Soren as a stand in for Azula fans in general and the struggle it is to defend her when everyone seems against it. It's partly because he does love her, but also because he believes it is the right thing to do regardless of personal feelings. Saving her soul is equivalent to saving her life or anyone's.

I guess you could say that towards the end Katara could be seen as a stand in for Azula haters, but I don't mean to bash her. For the record, Katara's feelings are complicated as well, even if I didn't have a lot of time to really demonstrate that. Her and Sokka I think are realistically going to be the most antagonistic towards Azula.

When I continue, and I will, I want to explore the ideas of fate and destiny and choice. It's funny, but the new Loki series actually uses some of the same ideas I've been having for Azula. And weirdly enough, what Guilty Gear Strive did with I-No. In any case, I want a happy ending to inspire hope in readers.

[veliseraptor-fanfic-index]

ToC for RTC

(Please comment if there are any corrections needed.)

Part 1 - I heard you killed your only friend last year

Media: None

Words: 3484

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Aftermath of Violence

Part 2 - Disarm

Media: None

Words: 7905

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen

Tags: Pre-Slash

Part 3 - the fog won’t lift in your town

Media: None

Words: 9042

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen

Tags: Pre-Slash

NB: Follows ‘Part 1 - I heard you killed your only friend’ and ‘Part 2 - Disarm’ both.

Part 4 - it’s only a paper moon

Media: None

Words: 1933

Rating: Explicit

Category: M/M

Tags: Dream Sex, Pre-Relationship, Hand Jobs

NB: Follows ‘Part 3 - the fog won’t lift in your town.’

Part 5 - Tick Tick Time

Media: None

Words: 11963

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen

Tags: Pre-Slash

NB: Follows ‘Part 4 - the fog won’t lift in your town.’

Part 6 - there is love in your body (you can’t hold it in)

Media: None

Words: 1883

Rating: Explicit

Category: M/M

Tags: Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Sex With A Proxy

NB: Follows some time after ‘Part 5 - Tick Tick Time.’

Part 7 - The sun no longer shines (on your side)

Media: None

Words: 10957

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags:  Slash, Boys Kissing, Whump, Blood and Injury, Flirting

Part 8 - The Vivisection Mambo

Media: There’s a link to artwork, but Dreamwidth has killed it for being hotlinked.

Words: 6030

Rating: Mature

Category: Gen

Tags: Creepy, Horror, Vivisection, Obsession

Part 9 - further inside than I have ever been

Media: Title from Charlotte Gainsbourg’s The Operation. Click here for video and lyrics.

Words: 1880

Rating: Mature

Category: Gen

Tags: Torture, Vivisection, Gore, Very Nasty Fic, Hurt Loki, Whump, Creepy

NB: Occurs the first time Loki is captured by Doom. Read ‘Part 8 - The Vivisection Mambo’ for Doom’s POV.

Part 10 - with an untrained voice

Media: None

Words: 16059

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Aftermath of Violence, Aftermath of Torture, Conversations, Feelings, Protective Steve, Nightmares, Loki’s Trust Issues, Emotions Are Hard

Part 11 - Settled (With Questions)

Media: None

Words: 4387

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Pre-Slash, Pre-Relationship

NB: Concurrent with ‘Part 10 - with an untrained voice’ and ‘Part 12 - reflected in someone like me.’

Part 12 - reflected in someone like me

Media: Title from Ophelia of the Spirits’ Someone Like Me. Click here for video and lyrics.

Words: 7776

Rating: Explicit

Category: M/M

Tags: Porn, Porn With A Little Plot, First Time, Oral Sex, Kissing, Hand Jobs, Voice Kink

NB: Occurs about 3 months after ‘Part 10 - with an untrained voice.’

Part 13 - the sweetest of words (the bitterest taste)

Media: None

Words: 6514

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Intimacy Issues, Arguing, Implied Sexual Content, Emotions Are Hard, Emotional Baggage

NB: Takes place in the future of the RTC ‘verse, but not strictly in the arc so no official placement as of yet.

Part 14 - it spills from your skin

Media: None

Words: 49173

Rating: Mature

Category: M/M

Tags: Naked Cuddling, Boys Kissing, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Clothed Sex, Dressed/Naked Sex, Dirty Talk, Verbal Sex, Wall Sex, Doggy Style, Light Dom/sub, Anal Fingering, Rimming, 69 (Sex Position), Emotion Porn, Public Sex, Floor Sex, Morning Sex, Outdoor Sex, Voice Kink, Shower Sex, Desk Sex, First Time Topping, Body Dysphoria, Wax Play, Genderplay, Dream Sex, Rough Sex, Painplay, Self Confidence Issues, Established Relationship, Developing Relationship, Roleplay, Food Sex, Light Bondage, Porn, Porn With Some Plot, Complicated Relationships, Anal Sex

NB: A collection of thirty short(ish) Steve/Loki fics written for the 30 Day OTP NSFW Challenge on tumblr. A list of the chapters with links can be found here.

Part 15 - so shall he crucify you

Media: Title from Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet. Click here for the full poem.

Words: 2435

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen, M/M

Tags: Guilt, Aftermath

NB: Five-year anniversary of the May 2012 alien attack.

Part 16 - light a match, burn it down

Media: None

Words: 8484

Rating: Mature

Category: M/M

Tags: Kink Negotiation, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Masochism

NB: This fic was born out of me writing the thirty day porn challenge and suddenly realizing (well, not really suddenly, but kind of) that there were a lot of sex issues going on between Loki and Steve under the surface. I've...thought a lot about Loki's relationship to sex and the various ways in which it is not terribly healthy, and during the course of the porn challenge I gave myself about fifty loose ends that I needed to do something with. This fic is my attempt to tie those up, or at least gather some of them together and start dealing with the implications.

If you haven't read/aren't interested in the thirty days pieces, the main thing to know is that Loki likes a little pain with his sex, and hasn't overtly told Steve this. If you are willing, though, the especially important background pieces to this fic are (for the relationship dynamic) naked/clothed, doggy style, and on the floor. For a window on Loki's issues see the rough chapter. If you're really interested, there is also meta about some of my own porn and me meta-ing at length about my feelings on Loki's sexuality and relationship with kink.

Part 17 - woven in my soul

Media: None

Words: 10812

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Rescue, Hurt/Comfort, Protectiveness, Bonding Under Duress (Sort Of), Implied/Referenced Torture, Established Relationship, Steve Rogers Damsel in Distress

Part 18 - Tony Stark’s Kinky Fantasies Concerning Captain America and Loki

Media: None

Words: 2274

Rating: Mature

Category: M/M

Tags: Sexual Fantasy, Voyeurism, BDSM, Sadism, Masochism

Part 19 - The Tenth Floor

Media: None

Words: 2081

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Implied Sexual Content, Accidental Voyeurism, 5 Times, Embarrassed Steve

Part 20 - only when you hit the ground

Media: None

Words: 20383

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Gore, Rescue, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Injury, Blood and Injury, Hurt Loki, Protective Thor, Protective Steve, BAMF Natasha, Established Relationship

NB: So! Welcome to the longest installment in this verse so far. And also the last one before Captain America: The Winter Soldier comes out and CHANGES EVERYTHING well no not everything but I do have Plans. For this 'verse. In light of certain events. We shall see how that goes.

Anyway - this fic kind of fought me in places. But I think I've come out of it stronger for all that. And ultimately...I'm pretty pleased with it. Especially with the chance to get to explore Steve's relationships with the other Avengers, and how they've changed because of this verse, and what different perspectives on the situation are. And also beating Loki up horribly, that's an important thing too.

I borrowed T'Challa, or Black Panther, from comics. He is the ruler of Wakanda (a fictional country), and also awesome. I would love for him to get a movie, preferably without the borderline racist weirdness of his comics origins.

Part 21 - when I’m falling I’m at peace

Media: None

Words: 9855

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Flashbacks, Psychological Trauma, Healing, Aftermath of Torture, Injury, Injury Recovery, PTSD, Protective Steve, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort

NB: I'm not very good at fixing things that I break. Or at least, not most of the time. That said, this fic was both fun and terrible to write, and ended up giving me a lot of Steve feelings, actually. I suppose given that I was writing from Loki's POV perhaps that isn't surprising.

This is the first of two connecting installments that I'm writing before I start working on the next major installment of Remember This Cold, which if you follow my tumblr you've seen me talking about. The other one will follow "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" and is already well under way.

Part 22 - You Were a Kindness

Media: 

Words: 3700

Rating: Explicit

Category: M/M

Tags: Porn, Comfort Sex, Nightmares, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Torture, Panic Attacks

NB:  Loki's strategy of "dealing with his problems through sex" is not one I endorse, just so we are clear. But it is one that is fun to write. And sometimes you just have to break up your intense, character driven fic projects with a good 3k pornfic. It's important. (Pornfic full of feelings because we're still with me, okay.)

Part 23 - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Media: None

Words: 19069

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Movie(s), Established Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Jealousy, Rescue Missions, Emotional Hurt, Everybody Suffers

Part 24 - these little things define us

Media: None

Words: 6374

Rating: General Audiences

Category: Gen, M/M

Tags: Conversations, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Established Relationship

NB: I knew as I wrapped up "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" that it needed a follow up fic for the things I couldn't fit into the thing itself. This is that fic, and while I'm not quite sure I achieved what I was hoping to, I achieved something. Let this also serve as the announcement that I have started work on the next full length installment of this series which I am really excited about, and it is already over 8000 words and not even close to halfway done. So it may be a bit.

In the meantime, think about Loki and Bucky being weird friends. Just think about it.

Part 25 - the sun is rising

Media: None

Words: 3408

Rating: Explicit

Category: M/M

Tags: Porn, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Anal Sex, Praise Kink, Makeup Sex, Established Relationship

NB:  This fic was inspired by an ask from tumblr user sit-down-at-a-keyboard-and-bleed approximately forever ago, and just now finally got written. I decided to set it after "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" because Steve and Loki seemed like they needed some relationship affirming porn. Because reasons. (Sometimes you just have to write porn, and yet somehow whenever I do it it ends up all feelings-y. Well, no surprises there, I guess.

Part 26 - This is my Kingdom Come

Media: None

Words: 68283

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Post-Avengers Asgard, Canon-Typical Violence, Injury, Established Relationship, Politics, Protective Steve Rogers, Odin’s B+ Parenting, Fantasy Racism, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship

Part 27 - The Long Way Home

Media: None

Words: 10076

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Aftermath, Conversations, Feelings, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Loki Feels, Identity Issues

Part 28 - but I am hellbound

Media: None

Words: 4298

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Depression, Feelings, Angst, Established Relationship

Part 29 - Gnosienne

Media: None

Words: 11130

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen, M/M

Tags: Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Dysfunctional Family, Odin’s B+ Parenting, Frigga (Marvel) Feels, Thor Feels, Loki Feels, Loki Angst

NB: Eons ago, shortly after I finished "This Is My Kingdom Come" (so, like, two years) I started tossing around the idea of writing something in Remember This Cold where Frigga visits Loki on Earth, as she promised to do in that fic. Two years later, here it is. I started writing it quite a while ago, but only recently did it really kick into gear, and then promptly expanded into something much larger than planned. I always knew this was going to be emotional; I didn't know it was going to be this long.

I have a lot of feelings about this fic and ended up being pretty proud of it. If you know me, you know that's kind of a big deal. The focus here is more on Loki's relationship with his family than on his relationship with Steve, which is different from pretty much every other installment of this fic - but it's always been important to me in building this universe to remember that there is much more to both of them than their relationships with each other.

gnossienne n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.

Part 30 - I’ll Keep You (My Dirty Little Secret)

Media: None

Words: 2322

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: M/M

Tags: Secret Relationship, Steve Rogers Feels, Interviews, Established Relationship

NB: I've talked some on my tumblr about how I've thought about Steve/Loki in the context of the wider world, and what if Steve/Loki became a publically known thing? But considering this led very quickly to realizing that it would create a shitstorm that would...probably destroy everything I've built in this verse. The outcry about Loki being on Earth alone, ignoring the part where he was in a relationship with Captain America, would tear Steve's life apart, and there would be no peaceful way, most likely, of insulating Loki from the outcry.

So, if I can't deal with this problem actually happening in the Remember This Cold 'verse, I realized that I can at least deal with Steve coming to recognize the problem in a conscious way - and realizing that it might be a problem. And that's what this fic is - just a short little piece about one of the many logistical problems of the Steve/Loki relationship in terms of their respective roles and reputations.

Part 31 - don’t give it a hand, offer it a soul

Media: Title from Hozier’s It Will Come Back. Click here for video and lyrics.

Words: 2252

Rating: General Audiences

Category: M/M

Tags: Heat Stroke, Fantastic Racism, Self-Hatred, Hurt/Comfort, Loki Feels, Loki Angst, Hurt Loki

NB:  This fic is set...somewhere between "This Is My Kingdom Come" and "Collapse the Light Into Earth" in the larger Remember This Cold timeline. Before Steve and Loki move out, obviously.

Part 32 - Collapse the Light Into Earth

Media: Title from Porcupine Tree’s Collapse the Light Into Earth. Click here for video and lyrics. Additional suggested listening Into Eternity from the Thor 2 soundtrack; click here for video and music.

Words: 29182

Rating: Teen & Up

Category: Gen, M/M

Tags: Revenge, Revenge Roadtrip, Dysfunctional Friendship, Canon-Typical Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Sad, Emotional Hurt, Hydra (Marvel), Disaster Friends, Angst, Tissue Warning

Part 33 - won’t heal given time

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Part 34 - won’t let the shadows take their toll

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Part 35 - I won’t cover my head in the dark

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Part 36 - Retrospective

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Part 37 - Family Matters

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Part 38 - you can buy your other friends (but you can’t buy me)

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Part 39 - (hang on) when the water is rising

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Part 40 - comfort those who suffer

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Part 41 - your heart’s still beating

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Part 42 - I’ve got my love to keep me warm

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Part 43 - shadow plays

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Part 44 - Pedagogy

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Part 45 - you’re not riding on this wave alone

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Part 46 - Shrapnel

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Part 47 - where will I end up, tonight?

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Part 48 - Truthtelling

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Part 49 - the sword alone, the shield forsaken

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Part 50 - don’t care if heaven won’t take me back

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Part 51 - are you a saint or a sinner?

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Part 52 - to face unafraid the plans we’ve made

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Part 53 - as we dream by the fire

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Part 54 - you could see planets and stars

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Part 55 - the water is getting colder

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Part 56 - we’re not the only ones

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Part 57 - unexpected guests

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Part 58 - we can see the future (and the dreams it’s made of)

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Part 59 - one hand on my throat, and one on your heart

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Part 60 - the mercy covering me

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Part 61 - Every Little Earthquake

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Part 62 - it’s what you make

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Part 63 - see you on the other side of the war

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[iamanartichoke]

I am struggling to have a Thought, here, but -

I was rereading my fic, The Air Between Two Stars, in which Thor basically brings Loki back to life; it diverges from canon after IW bc Endgame hadn't come out yet when I wrote it.

So I came across these lines (edited for conciseness):

“How?” Loki asks ... "How did you bring me back?” "Magic," says Thor, simply. [...] There are ancient resurrection spells that Loki has knowledge of, dark magic performed at great risk to the mage. It is possible. It is also extremely dangerous. He never would have imagined Thor would consider him worth such trouble. Certainly, after fooling Thor twice, Loki owed it to him to die for real so that Thor’s mourning would not be in vain.

I stopped bc that last line sort of jumped at me - after fooling Thor twice, Loki owed it to him to die for real. And it just struck me, like, I wonder how many people (if any) read that line and felt indignant and mentally yelled at me bc Loki never really faked his death, intentionally.

And it's like, yes, I, Charlotte, the writer, know that Loki didn't set out to intentionally fool Thor by faking his death. But my being cognizant of that on a meta level doesn't mean Loki can't feel like he's fooled Thor, in the story, and that all of Thor's mourning him has been in vain.

It just seems like - especially in the wake of the series - that wiggly space between what the author knows and what the character feels has been lost? Like, I'm not saying the narrative (not just in the series but over the span of the entire MCU) hasn't been unfair to Loki in a lot of ways, including regarding his "faked" deaths, but I also feel like a lot of wank stems from people wanting the narrative to be so "fair" that it hinders how Loki can function as a character in the story being told.

Not sure if that makes sense or not, but like - I guess what I'm saying is that this is yet another area where there's just a whole lotta gray in an increasingly black-and-white definition of "analysis." And it just makes me feel some kinda way, I guess.

[iamanartichoke]

My Loki Series Journey, In Real Time: Part 1; or, My Blog Used to be Better

I will link to the post again below, but basically I went back to read this post where I expressed that, while I was finding the series enjoyable enough, I was also very disappointed in it. And after that, I started going back to read some other reaction posts and ended up just retracing my steps as the Loki series aired, how my opinions fluctuated, and where I eventually landed. I found it interesting to see how my opinions shifted and varied as the fandom seemed to get more and more ... difficult to navigate? And I found fewer and fewer people who shared my opinions, as most people seemed to land at either end of an extremely black-and-white interpretation - ie, either the show was brilliant or it was garbage, with no in-between. And at some point I stopped talking about a lot of these things, or stopped feeling like I could talk about these things, idk. Regardless, I decided I wanted to put together a "master post" so that all these metas would be in one place. So this is part 1.

Under the cut for length.

Reaction Posts

1st official trailer reaction

Episode 1 initial reaction

Episode 2 initial reaction

Episode 3 initial reaction (in gifs, bc apparently I was incapable of coherent thought)

Episode 4 initial reaction + additional snippets of thought

Episode 5 initial reaction - the positive

Episode 5 initial reaction - the negative

Meta Posts

Loki *can* be manipulated by Mobius, actually

Wait, did I interpret this wrong? Re: the framing of episode 1, Mobius's interrogation, and the TVA as a moral authority

Oops, I'm starting to split away from my usual crowd

On Loki's MCU death

"Incredibly perverse," indeed.

Predestination and free will; or, 'I got pruned bc I stopped at Dunkin Donuts before work'

On Loki and mental health

What's up with Loki following Mobius around, anyway?

My initial reaction to Sylki; or, Loki is adorable with a crush, fight me

"Loki can do what now?"; or, apparently Loki can use magic

The TVA isn't framed as good, ffs

The fandom writing's on the wall

Also Loki's not a narcissist

Can the real Loki please have a cameo? Oh wait, Tom's already on set.

It's not bad. It's just, you know, not really *good*; or, I'm starting to settle in on my overall opinion of the series.

Shitposts (with feeling!)

On Heimdall / D.B. Cooper

That time the fandom exploded over sleeping!Loki

Candy on Asgard

A wild teletubby appeared.

[iamanartichoke]

I forgot to post this earlier but this was part of my reply to @bushs-world before I realized both a) I was misremembering the scene, and b) it's still kind of a confusing scene.

From the original post:

But Loki did have a part to play in her death. Maybe you can't place full responsibility on his shoulder, but he definitely had a part. He led to the Kurse, albeit unknowingly to Frigga, which resulted in her death. And before any argues otherwise, let me add it is canon as confirmed on Marvel's official website.

I want to point out that there's a discrepancy between what Marvel is stating happened and what the scene(s) actually shows. My understanding was that Loki's directions didn't lead the Kurse to Frigga, because Frigga was in an entirely different part of the palace from the dungeons.

Here's Thor, Frigga, and Jane when they first hear the sound of the revolt starting.

Thor becomes alarmed and says, "Loki," to which Frigga replies, "Go. I will look after [Jane]." Thor then takes a running leap off of the balcony and flies halfway across the damn planet (I'm exaggerating but look how small he gets as he gets further from Frigga) to go sort out whatever's happening in the dungeons.

(This is where I went and rewatched the rest of the scene and went, oh.)

I remembered Thor flying off to the dungeons, and being gone/occupied by that, and flying back to Frigga and Jane just a second too late to save Frigga, which led me to interpret that Thor (and, thus, Loki and the dungeons) were in another part of the palace when the death occurred. However, upon rewatching, Frigga and Jane go somewhere, since we see them walking through the Einherjar (where Frigga steals one of their swords, lmao), and (this is the part I forgot) we see that the "battle" has happened in the throne room / great hall and it appears that Frigga's quarters, where she's killed, are right in that immediate vicinity.

^^ Malekith walks through the aftermath of the battle and opens these double doors, and then it shows the doors opening from the other side, where Jane looks in panic at Frigga, and Kurse either follows Loki's directions, Malekith, or both, but he ends up there, as well.

So it seems like Thor flies off to the palace/dungeons very quickly, with Frigga and Jane following to the palace/dungeons, and they all end up - at different times - in the throne room area, which is above the dungeons. If that's the case, then yes, it makes sense that Loki's directions (likely intending to guide the Kurse to the throne room and Odin [or Thor]) unfortunately led to Frigga instead.

So, yeah; personally, I think that the sequence of events could have been made clearer, but since I admittedly wasn't remembering the scene correctly, then take that with a grain of salt.

There is literally no reason for me to post this instead of just deleting it, since ultimately it had little to do with my response anyway - but, here it is in case anyone else is interested in clarification.

[iamanartichoke]

Another totally unprompted ask, on the assumption that you are definitely no longer in need of them… another thing I’m trying to work out about Loki characterisation in preparation for perpetrating fic torture on him is how suicidal the poor sod is most of the time. This is another thing I’ve seen referred to a lot but only in passing. Though obviously this is a pretty triggery topic, so ignore if you want.

I am always in need of totally unprompted asks, otherwise I just assume no one wants to talk to me lmao

So, hoo boy. I have been mulling over this for, apparently, three days now bc there's just ... there's a lot to unpack here. Putting under a cut for obviously triggery content and also for length bc fml.

In my opinion, the response to "how suicidal is Loki most of the time" is "very, but whether or not he wants to do anything about it varies from moment to moment" (see what I did there? I'll see myself out). In other words, I have always had a headcanon that Loki is consistently, passively suicidal. This is a headcanon that comes straight from TDW, bc I'm certain that Loki never had any intention of surviving their mission. And that could be a whole other post, really, but the point is that even though this is a TDW-centric headcanon, I have come to adopt it as applying to Loki in general as well, not just in those specific circumstances.

When I say passively suicidal, I mean that Loki is just sort of ambivalent about the value of his own life. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be alive, and feels like there's little point in being alive. Which - I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom, like, poor uwu emo Loki (and I kinda hate that I have to pause to disclaim that, no, I don't just have a fixation on Loki being depressed for funsies/the aesthetic/whatever); I think that this mindset stems from really complicated places that I'm not sure I can articulate, but I will try.

I view Loki as someone who suffers from a severe inferiority complex, and I feel like it stems from being abandoned as an infant. Loki's life started with a traumatic event and, even if he doesn't remember the event itself, the feelings he experienced stayed in his subconscious. Feelings of loss, of fear, of despair and abandonment, of suffering - these are all feelings that burrowed into his bones and lived there for his entire life, feelings that colored how Loki viewed himself as a person as well as how he compared to the people around him.

Keep in mind that Loki didn't know he was abandoned until the events of Thor 1, obviously. We don't really know how old Loki is, in human years, but I have always assumed that he and Thor were at least adults (not teenagers), maybe the equivalent of early twenties - and the reason I bring that up is because it means Loki made it all the way to adulthood carrying the weight of a trauma that he did not remember or even knew had happened, so to him, there was no real reason for how wrong he felt. There was no explanation for the feelings of loss, of neglect, of fear. So on top of struggling with those feelings, Loki was also burdened with the alienation that comes with wondering why one can't just be like everyone else, why one can't just "snap out" of depression, why one's sense of self-worth has always been lacking.

So imagine what it's like to grow up as Loki. He was traumatized as an infant. The trauma has been with him his entire life, along with the confusion/alienation of not understanding why he feels the way that he does, and then on top of that, his basic personality lends itself toward introspection and isolation, so he likely felt even further removed from Thor and from his peers. Loki's too smart for his own good, and he's got an enormous capacity to feel and I feel like this is a combination that works against him as much as it does for him, bc it probably means he spent a lot of time examining himself and identifying all of his perceived flaws - and then berating himself for said flaws.

People with depression are probably pretty familiar with the bully that lives in your head, the one who is always there to remind you that you're stupid, or ugly, or that nobody likes you, or that you have nothing of value to contribute to anyone, etc. Loki's no different; he's got that bully in his head, too. Add onto this the fact that his brother is literally perfect, that he feels his father doesn't love him (or love him as much), that his interests in things like magic are looked down on in his culture, and that he's a prince (meaning that along with the privilege comes pressure, and being in the public eye, knowing that everyone around him is comparing him to Thor as much as he compares himself to Thor, well.) and you have a total clusterfuck of a mindset, and Loki's been existing inside of that clusterfuck for nearly all of his life.

I always go back to the quote where, when filming I think the vault scene, Kenneth Branagh directs Tom by saying, "This is the moment where the thin steel rod holding your brain together snaps." And it's such a significant moment for Loki bc this is where it all crumbles for him, learning the truth, but I also fixate on the "thin steel rod" part of the quote bc that's not how one would describe a healthy, stable person's mind. The implication, to me, has always been that Loki wasn't that stable to start with due to his general upbringing, his internal struggles, and his personality, so of course the devastation of learning he's adopted, and Jotun, would send him over the edge. One doesn't go from zero to 60; one doesn't fall over the edge unless they were balancing fairly close to it in the first place. And to me, the "thin steel rod" basically equals the aforementioned clusterfuck of a mindset.

THE POINT IS. (Holy shit, I ramble.) This is the foundation on which I'm basing my headcanon that Loki neither values his life nor feels as if he even deserves to live it - bc his default mindset is one of inferiority, of loss, of pain. And I think that going from being a general unstable person pre-canon to being passively suicidal post-canon is a thing that happened because, somewhere between the vault in Thor 1 and the dungeons in TDW, Loki just stopped caring.

Life is exhausting for everyone, but even moreso when your mental load becomes more than you can carry. Loki is exhausted. His experience is that things just keep getting worse and worse for him - he's never been valued, he's always been found wanting. He discovers that he was literally thrown away as an infant, unwanted and left to die, and things haven't gotten much better for him since then. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. His plans spin out of control. He's unable to prove his worth and his value and when he is, in fact, rejected, he literally tries to kill himself (only to survive and end up in an even worse situation).

It all just continually goes downhill, and Loki is fucking exhausted. He's done. He has no hope that anything is ever going to change - he will never be valued or even seen, he's unable to connect to anyone, he has no family (aside from Thor, but their relationship is so fraught with pain). As far as he's concerned, his life has been nothing but a waste since he was born and if no one else values it, why should he?

So - passively suicidal. He places no value on his life, and doesn't shy away from situations that could cost him his life. It's possible that the only reason he's not actively suicidal is bc his previous attempt not only failed but led to such a horrible situation that he's probably too afraid to intentionally seek out death again. He doesn't want to fail and end up worse off for it.

And - not that you asked this in particular, but - my biggest disappointment in the series is that none of what I've just written is addressed in a satisfying way (to me). That is, we don't get any real explicit acknowledgement of the trauma of Loki's abandonment as a baby or how that affected his mental health growing up; we don't get to explore how devastated he was to learn of his adoption; we don't ever see him reconcile his ingrained belief that jotuns are monstrous savages with the fact that he is jotun. He says "I betrayed everyone I loved, but I'm different now" and we're supposed to infer what he means without Loki actually articulating why he feels that he's the only one who should be held responsible for all these things that had happened or what "I've changed" even means to him (aside from not betraying Sylvie).

I would have liked to see these things addressed for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that I would want to see how Loki comes to terms with all of his issues and his pain enough that he stops being passively suicidal. We never get to see that; after TDW, the time that passes allows for Loki to kinda chill, resulting in the Ragnarok version, but if there was any real healing or recovering going on, it was happening off-screen, with the audience expected to just go with "yeah Loki was going through it for awhile but he's kinda better now."

Furthermore, much of what I've written here is based on prime Loki's development through TDW, but doesn't account for series Loki's split from that timeline nor the theme of "Lokis survive" that's so prevalent in the series. So I don't think the "passively suicidal" headcanon is really appropriate for series Loki but, at the same time, I'd like to have seen why. I'd like to have seen Loki learning to value his life, or where the "we survive" mindset comes from, since that's not really been a thing before now. (Out of universe, I suspect it comes from the context of Loki just not dying whenever he tries to, but since TDW and IW haven't happened, and Loki didn't intend to survive his fall from the bifrost, framing Loki as an innate survivor doesn't really make sense, but to be fair, I'm just being picky.)

So, yeah. I'm not saying Loki doesn't experience growth or development in the series, I'm just saying that his arc left much unsaid and, furthermore, framing his growth as "wanting a throne to not wanting a throne" without addressing that Loki doesn't actually want the power of the throne, he wants the value and self-worth he associates with the throne, is - well, again, unsatisfying. Not bad, but it leaves viewers like me wanting bc we're cognizant of how much more could have been done.

I ... am going to end this now. This is probably nonsensical and all over the place, so I'm very sorry, and I'm sure this is why I don't get meta-starter asks lmfao bc no one's out here trying to read my dissertation submission for a Ph.D in Loki, but well, sometimes it just be like that.

Thank you for the ask and the opportunity to ramble.

[iamanartichoke]

I just need to say that not shipping Sylkie =/= disliking Sylvie, and currently being salty at Sylvie =/= disliking Sylvie, and it's kinda special seeing a lot of shipping wank revolving around either tearing Sylvie down as a character or assuming that not shipping her romantically with Loki somehow defines how one feels about her entirely, like she's not a whole ass person/character on her own, regardless of shipping canon.

I like Sylvie. I think she's adorable. I personally find the backstory of her entire reality being erased pretty devastating so, like, I get her motivations and think they're valid. It helps that Sophia is great in the role and she and Tom have really good chemistry, in my opinion.

So not shipping Sylkie has nothing to do with Sylvie as a character and everything to do her and Loki's dynamic reading as more platonic to me. Neither of them has ever had a friend (like, a real, true friend) and I prefer my headcanon of Loki in particular confusing caring about someone as a friend for romantic love, or even just experiencing really complicated feelings surrounding love in general (the many forms it can take, what it means to love someone else, what it means to love yourself, all feelings that can be examined without the romance aspect).

I love that Loki clearly feels so deeply for her and isn't subtle about it like, at all (plus I mean, Loki with a crush is adorable, fight me), and I think that the lack of subtlety and the kinda desperate need to keep her around ("when this is over, we can figure it out together," "you stay, I stay," etc) speaks just as much to his loneliness and his desperation to hang onto probably the first person he's emotionally connected with outside of his family as it does to actual romantic love. I don't think Loki knows what he actually wants from her, or what he actually feels for her, and I like that bc of all the possibilities of character exploration there but also bc it doesn't necessarily mean they can't fall in love down the line. It just means I think that they both need to figure out what love even is first (especially Loki).

So, I mean, yeah. Not that anyone asked me but, idk, I spent too much time in the #loki tag and from what I could see it was like - among other nonsense - a lot of hate on Sylvie as a character framed as "she's not good enough for Loki" and like, way to make her nothing more than a love interest and then complain that she's nothing more than a love interest. Don't get me wrong, you can dislike the character for whatever reasons you want (the general 'you') but I just wanted to offer another perspective, especially since every time I reblog them it feels like I'm implying I ship them and feel the need to disclaim that I don't (not sure why I care???) bc love doesn't have to be only romantic in order to be worth exploring and not liking a couple as a romantic pairing doesn't mean you have to hate one half of the couple by default.

[iamanartichoke]

In that recent thread w bardicious u mentioned this

Which felt straight out of fanfic and I am almost 90% in all seriousness convinced that Tom or someone has an AO3 and/or tumblr account but that's another topic lmfao.

I am soo curious what u have to say on this topic if u wanna talk abt it

Haha thanks for asking! lmao well it's mostly a joke but also at this point it's kinda getting to not be a joke? No, it is a joke, and I will continue to disclaim that several times bc this fandom latches onto things and runs with them and I don't even want to open that Pandora's box.

But, the seeds were planted awhile ago (maybe a month?) when this post was going around - basically, Tom had a surprisingly accurate assessment of the main categories into which Loki fans fell, regarding Loki's characteristics, and so some of us sat up like, and how would you know, Mr. Hiddleston?

So that was a fun time for all, and then after the first episode came out, I made a post about the little things that felt weirdly specific to things we've discussed at length on tumblr? With the same kind of tone/phrasing, I mean.

Then there's the professor bit, which I need to add to my list, but basically we all know "Professor Tom" is a nickname that gets tossed around fairly often in the fandom, the joke being about how he often goes on at-length about things even if no one actually asked. In episode 2, Loki spoke up at length about the difference between two powers, when no one actually asked, and gets hit with a Professor Loki.

Next, a couple of days ago, the post going around was about how Tom apparently, in addition to giving everyone on set in-depth lectures on Loki's character, showed up at Owen's house specifically to talk to him about Loki, and while this is hilarious, for me I kinda had the feeling like, okay Tom's probably not just sitting on that much meta, it's gotta come out somehow, he's probably secretly right here beside us, commenting and offering his own perspectives lol jk unless ...?

Finally, the bit you quoted - not just the metaphor or the way he delivers it feels like fanfic but I felt like there were so many, like, fanfic/fandom tropes? I mean, Loki's magic is always underutilized and needs to be fixed: Popular fandom topic check. All of the references to Loki being a magician? Fic check. Loki is way more powerful than they ever show on-film: Popular fandom topic check. (He telekinetically threw a building I'm-). Loki singing for one reason or another: Fic check. Loki complaining about physical activity: Fic check. (This happens a lot in pre-canon fics when he and Thor go on quests.) He and Sylvie on the train and there was only one bed booth: Fic check. There is literally even a Thorki fic called Vows from a Dagger (and it's very well-written, btw, if any Thorki friends are reading this and haven't read it) in which Loki gives Thor a dagger as a symbol of his love and devotion, which is the first thing I thought of but also just in general, the ~poetry~ of it all felt like fic to me. So, fandom and fic check. Hence the bit up above where I'm like, okay for real now, which one of you is secretly Tom and can I read your fics please lmao.

But anyway. It really is just a joke that I personally think is really funny bc like imagine if Tom has been lurking all this time and ended up giving himself away bc he kept slipping fandom/fic tropes into the tv series and we're all like

so yeah. But each time I post about this, I must include the disclaimer that it is a joke, I'm not really serious, I don't really believe Tom lurks around here bc I'm sure he has better things to do - but, the "evidence" I've compiled just makes me feel like, if it turned out he did, I would not be surprised at all.

[iamanartichoke]

I don't get it- WHY did Marvel feel the need to "reinvent" Loki in a "fun exciting" way? There's a reason he was such a popular character from the beginning. He was wonderful the way he was. They didn't need to change him.

Probably for a lot of different reasons, my friend. What I ultimately think it comes down to is what's going to make Marvel money. We're living in the age of remakes, reboots, re-everything; there's so little that's original anymore. Furthermore, the success of films like GotG and Ragnarok and Endgame (which had a lot of "funny" moments and fan service) and so on has kinda cemented the idea that "fun and exciting" superhero movies are trendy now. People want popcorn flicks, they want escapism, they want to laugh and unwind when they come home. They want quips and quotable moments.

And, to be fair, I'm sure the majority of the audience does want to see and get invested in a good story; I just think that they want it to come in bright, colorful wrapping paper and, comparatively, the "old" Loki is a brown paper bag. If Marvel/Disney wants to make any money off of this series, then they have to cater to both the majority of the fans' expectations as well as the fun and zany formula that's selling right now.

And, I mean, I get it. Even in the fandom, those of us who are more interested in a darker, more subtle, more tortured Loki are the minority (which we're constantly reminded of, lest we forget that the version of Loki we prefer is lame). Disney isn't going to cater to a minority of fans who liked Loki the way that he was; they're going to cater to the majority who want to see something different and fresh and fun; they're gonna hop on that money train and ride it all the way back to the station. It's unfortunate for some of us, but it is what it is.

[iamanartichoke]

Not trying to comment on your interpretation of the Loki series but I just want to point out the Tom is, in fact, an executive producer of the Loki show as indicated on the Disney media official fact sheet: dmedmedia,disney,com/disney-plus/loki --> lumiere-a,akamaihd,net/v1/documents/loki_project_profile_v5_5-4-21_eed697c5,pdf

Link. 

Okay, I didn’t know he officially had executive producer credit, so I’ll happily concede that he’s probably had much more input than I thought. So that’s good.

However, it still doesn’t mean he single-handedly was in charge of everything, so the people who are saying that this is exactly Tom’s vision and Tom’s show and whatnot should still probably cool their jets. 

Thanks for the info, though! I’m glad that he’s got EP credit; it tells me that his input was valuable to tptb. 

[iamanartichoke]

                  My AO3 profile

                 Original fiction blog

Loki Series: #loki series / #loki series positive / #loki series criticism Other / Negativity: #ragnarok critical / #if you like ragnarok skip this post / #charlotte bitches about iw / #charlotte bitches about endgame / #anti russos

Loki: #loki pokey artichokey / #thor glorious thor / #brodinsons / #thorki / #i will never be over loki Meta: #loki meta / #charlotte’s loki meta graveyard / #asks or #charlotte replies Writing: #charlotte writes / #charlotte posts fic Fun / Shitposts: #texts from the brodinsons / #incorrect brodinsons / #shitpost Off-topic / Personal: #the charlotte lennox diaries / #random not fandom / #adhd artichoke / #asexual artichoke

[iamanartichoke]

(Bruh tumblr generated this post for me and then wouldn't let me post it bc there's too many images lmaoooo if that doesn't sum up this hellsite nicely idk what does.

Anyway, top 5 posts cut for length, but links included. )

___

I posted 2,591 times in 2021 849 posts created (33%) 1742 posts reblogged (67%) For every post I created, I reblogged 2.1 posts. I added 2,679 tags in 2021

#loki pokey artichokey - 514 posts

#loki spoilers - 326 posts

#loki series spoilers - 313 posts

#loki tv series spoilers - 312 posts

#mood gif - 302 posts

#charlotte replies - 236 posts

#asks - 208 posts

#smh - 171 posts

#lmao - 158 posts

#a nonny mouse - 139 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#'is there anything absolutely pressing that needs to be finished by the end of the day? no? okay well i'm just gonna be here physically onlu o

My Top Posts in 2021

#5 (This is the only decent post on this list tbh)

I’m not feeling super meta-y today, but I wanted to post this before I forgot:  The moment where Thor says, “You can’t kill an entire race,” and Loki says “Why not?” and laughs is a very interesting moment. I think that a lot of viewers take his laugh (well, grin) as though he’s mocking Thor and mocking Thor’s newfound empathy for the Jotuns. This mockery further paints Loki as the villain, standing there laughing at the hero who’s trying to do the right thing.  [...] 293 notes • Posted 2021-03-31 20:58:16 GMT

#4 (So many people took this shitpost post super seriously that I hate it now)

Not tryna start anything or be negative, but I can’t stop thinking about this lmao.  Loki’s nerves of steel be like -  [...] 781 notes • Posted 2021-04-20 02:35:03 GMT

#3 (I can't believe this dumbass shitpost made my top 5 posts of the year lmfao)

Loki: *steps foot inside the TVA* [...] 800 notes • Posted 2021-09-20 20:21:41 GMT

#2 (I have no opinion on this post)

Loki talking Mobius into going to Pompeii is the same thing as Loki being annoying to Thor, but like, 137x more manic. [...] 1146 notes • Posted 2021-06-20 21:38:07 GMT

#1 (a, I could not care less about post+ but the tiny amount I cared when I made this post will live in infamy; b, I consistently get notifs for this post still and they're all from porn bots)

some very important info re: paid accounts~ [...] 78253 notes • Posted 2021-07-22 17:19:24 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[iamanartichoke]

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair). 

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better. 

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue. 

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument. 

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread. 

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days. 

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore. 

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on. 

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was. 

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent. 

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied. 

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before. 

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization? 

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling. 

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day. 

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte. 

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom. 

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue. 

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say. 

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother. 

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.)