#chelseajmusic

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Petal 38

Practice & Performance

I find I love the process of practice. The practice of creating, and the freedom to make mistakes to find a groove. I don’t mean just in vocal performance, but even in acting or any other way of my life really. I feel like rehearsals for a stage production, or even for self tape preparation; it is so nice to be able to see what works and what needs to be fixed. I think sometimes we get so caught up in performances, that we struggle to have a real human moment. It is necessary to have those human moments because without them, we can’t create.

Maybe it’s true what they say; sometimes you have to just hunker down and do the work and just turn off the whole waiting for everything to come together thing. You have to acquire a short list of goals and ambitions, and an overall longer list of how you may see your life. I lived my life that way all the time, up until the pandemic. I realized I had to do away with all the lists. Sometimes talking too much can ruin a good thing, just like overthinking can. It may not be time to get cerebral, you just have to believe the hard work will pay off, because you work hard. I think we live life in spurts. It’s like we are going full throttle, until we can press pause to see what’s working and what’s not. We all know life comes at you fast, and there are personal wins and losses. Not just with your career; but your personal life as well. When that happens, being cerebral is just itching at the back of your skull trying to break out.

To be fair, a lot of times I don’t let it. If I let it all in, the impact of feeling it all can cause the best of us to spiral and the worst of us to freeze. I have a love/hate relationship with slowing down. Yes, I like being able to reevaluate, and go to the drawing board. I don’t enjoy the stillness all the time. Then I end up having to face how I feel. The best part is, I don’t run from it. I fearlessly keep going. So if you’re having a great time, enjoy it and don’t worry about the fizzle down the way. If you’re not having a great time, keep going because better is always soon. It’s like post concert depression; be happy that you got to see the show. A lot of folks didn’t get to go in the first place.

[chelseastudio]

@chelseajmusic killed it in APU's production of Godspell! She owned the stage! #godspell #azusapacificuniversity

[prettytailoredsunflower]

PETAL 38

Practice & Performance

https://tailoredsunflower.wordpress.com/2023/06/28/practice-performance/

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Click-baiting Judgement

Petal 37

It’s weird to say out loud with how busy I’ve felt lately, that 2023 is halfway over. So much I feel has happened, and not just to me personally. The worldview is like constant chaos on the news and people are fearful to go to the mall, or the movies, or to school. I think compassion as a whole is waning because of self preservation from strangers. I can’t cast blame, because I find myself doing the same. Just like at the airport when you report unattended luggage, we do the same with strangers. We overanalyze their intentions and are wary of surprises or spontaneity when it is unplanned.

As for the digital landscape, I don’t think that we could get any more obtuse. When you see negative comments online sometimes you want to either help them see other sides, or figure out why they think the way they do. I feel that when people post online, they have already made up their mind right before they toggle the keyboard. There is no point in suffering fools and explaining yourself. Let people judge. Live your life.

We tend to judge as to ascertain threats, or to observe traits that we admire to add people, things, or ideals to our collection of what makes us; us. Judging gets a bad reputation because we see it in it’s negative form more than a positive one. It is good to use judgment to make decisions that could otherwise leave you wishing you thought more critically beforehand. It is not acceptable, or at least shouldn’t be, to exercise pretentiousness with your judgement. Being chronically online, doesn’t exactly make things become smoother.

When someone is so involved with themselves and their own views, it can lead to being disillusioned. Experts with no expertise, can have people shouting out their ideals without any sound judgement. It’s a festival of chaos that is tempting people to be drawn to click bait. Click baiting people to have concrete opinions, when really it’s ok to not have a strong opinion on every topic. You can still live a full life without the distractions of dead end discussions and discourse. That’s it for now, I don’t want to add any any more fuel to the internet fire.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

The Disillusionment of Black Excellence

Petal 36

I feel that there is so much pressure to be the cream of the crop. There is always a push to be the best you can be. I personally feel like like Black excellence specifically; does not give you the room to fail. I use the ideology of Black excellence being a black woman myself, because it has been engrained around me my whole life. The fact is, if you stop failing; then you have failed completely. You need the freedom to “move about the cabin” and try things. Sometimes it can seem like we are in a scarcity mindset because of fear that these opportunities are going to pass us by, when really it’s ok to build yourself up. We want everything to be Gucci, Fendi, Telfar, and Prada, when it’s ok if everything is Goodwill or Burlington right now. (Nothing against thrifting or more accessible fashion stores because I shop there just as much. Ross is that girl, ok?!)

The greater value branding lets say for instance; of a Ralph’s can one day work up to be an Erewhon without the pressure of feeling like they have to start off that way. Even a small business can be impactful with its targeted audience. In the same way, midterm elections reflects your everyday life and the Presidency reflects on American as a whole; you can spark change from whichever level you are currently on.

If everything is a win and the G.O.A.T., then you didn’t learn anything. There was no hero’s journey or adventure to be had. Technically, you finished before you even started. That is a Greek Tragedy to say the least. The best people in the world of entrepreneurs, tech giants, and other corporate leaders all have that in common: Failure. The mindset has to change where you don’t see failure as a dead end, but it means that you are actually trying to make something out of nothing.

I turned 27 on Monday, and I realized that it’s ok to slow down. We have our whole lives to be striving which is essential, but it’s not worth it to be completely drained out and never satisfied. It’s good to appreciate the small moments of the process, and the gentle reminders that small moves towards a goal can and should be enough. You can’t control anything in life, but you can do your best and that’s all that matters.

As an actor, so much can go awry but what I can control like my audition setup for self tapes, or knowing my lines and being on time when it’s filming day; will be kept together. It’s when you don’t do the grunt work of having your presentation expertly well done, even if it is on a budget brand tier; how can you expect to be stellar when it is top shelf material that you’re dealing with? The goal is to remain open. Sometimes you may not even feel open, but as long as you’re never closed; anything could happen.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Petal 37!

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New Petal Alert!

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Rudolph, Misfit Island, Gifted Child Burnout, & Mastering the Art of Perseverance

Petal 34

Isn’t it funny how being a nerd is actually an upgrade in life nowadays? It used to be so uncool to be into books or coding or anything remotely non mainstream. Now it’s mainstream to be weird and quirky and people regretfully, act odd on purpose. You can always kind of tell when it is not genuine and forced. The pandemic that we are still in oddly enough, has made us all over thinkers in some way. I think it’s strange how I have regressed. Personally, having a BFA in Theatre you are taught to just do and not think. Acting after all is an action word. Now with time to ruminate in the house (2020) or out of the house nowadays, where masks are optional but strongly encouraged in busier settings; we still let our thoughts roam.

I think that with the Holidays approaching, mental health check ins are even more necessary. There are so many negative spaces online and in the real world where everyone is anti-social especially on social media. I think that with free time comes idle minds which is the devils playgrounds. I’m not saying you shouldn’t let yourself get bored it’s just that it can grow to be unhealthy. When you check in on loved ones it’s not just about texts, FaceTimes, or phone calls it’s about showing up and not taking “No” for an answer. I’ve been told I’m the “strong friend” and that isn’t necessarily a badge of honor because the standard of excellence and perseverance can be overwhelming. It’s like mastering the art of the perseverance, maybe it’s like a mask you wear to stay sane. Just got to keep pushing, keep growing, keep building. Sometimes you need a break. You have to account for rest.

As a formerly gifted child, I had burnout, real and intense burnout. It made me feel as like if I’m not constantly doing something then what is my purpose? You also feel a little delusional pushing down any pain or disappointments to avoid discomfort and be spitefully optimistic. It’s ok to sit with your feelings, you just can’t live there. These are lessons that I have to constantly learn. The prerequisites, the main courses, and the advanced ones. It’s like Rudolph on misfit island. He had to get lost to find himself and sit with his existential crisis a little longer. Sometimes sitting with the fact that “Wow, that’s a good question” is enough. Maybe the answer won’t come to you expeditiously but that is ok too. See you in the new year. Don’t be anxious. Who knows what 2023 will bring? At least we made it.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

When Tears Won’t Do

Petal 33

It has been 7 months since we last spoke. This year has felt so fast and so long at the same time. There have been some major changes in my life. Some good, some less than shiny. I have adjusted myself and had to adapt in ways that I never expected. In the spring I was busy with plays, musicals, new singles, and graduate school. I have spent time this summer looking past my outward self, and really taking in all sides of me. I started going back to therapy more consistently after taking a break. I noticed some sides of me that I never really paid attention to before. I recently did a documentary on The Color of Grief and discussed mental health with my friends and realized some changes I needed to make in my own life. This summer, I lost my grandmother. More importantly, my mother lost her mom. Crying just was not enough. Losing my appetite and melancholy music was all a caricature minstrelsy of grief. It did not even measure up to the iceberg inside me. I felt so empty. I had to keep up with commitments and deadlines, which just felt cruel. I was looking at myself from the outside. As I tried to pretend to be strong, I grew weaker. My grandmother spoke to me every day. She was never absent in my life. She was a touchstone whenever I was in need of her wisdom or just wanted to have a laugh. It is a continuous struggle to work through the grief, not get over it. Not even two months later, my favorite aunt passed. I think the weight of everything all at once is very overwhelming. I leave you with this poem called Time that I wrote to help make sense of what has been going on with me lately. Until the next petal unfolds.

Weathered faces

Aging eyes

Yellow flowers like pillows

Preparing eternal peace

Black hair turns gray

Twisted mouths

Broom mustaches

A gale upturning coats

An open booked heart

A start

A stop

A stall

A call

Hands clasped together

Against the erring foe of

Time

the unsanctioned whore

With sweat drenched must

in between her thighs

Time

The ticking clock on the wall

The minutes that minimize on the phone

Time

The rise and fall of a chest filled with tubes

Time is not our friend

Yet we ask for more like an orphaned child at a soup kitchens door

Time is the only enemy

Sedating our sorrows

Stabilizing our grief

The only thing in between

Is and was

[prettytailoredsunflower]

New Petal Alert!

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A Poet in my Thoughts

Petal 26

I think now is a good a time as any to share some of my poetry I have been writing with you. Some are about love, some are about music, some are about birds. I hope you enjoy this short collection. I have been reading a lot of Rumi lately and got inspired. He has to be my favorite poet next to Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes.

The Englishman

There’s an Englishman I’ve never met who speaks to me through the treble clef. His music and lyrics I could hear all day and never get tired from the notes that he plays. Some stories of love, of friends or make believe, his ramblings are cluttered poetry; perfectly incomplete. The presence of his sound had been around for a while but my eyes were nay apparent to his eclectic style. Two years ago he struck me with one particular tune a hymnal of the Gospel of finding you. And although if we ever met then a song would ring so true, I’d love to hear the melodies we pen on the B-side with you. A song for you, a song for me, a song for the pining chorus of lovers at half past three. The song is smooth and full you can hum the rest of it now. The Englishman’s treble clef is the symphonic cacophony in the round.

A Friend who can Cuss

Sometimes you need a friend who can cuss. A friend who is uninhibited enough to say well that’s Effed up. A friend to say what you feel even when you aren’t free enough to say it. The poor sinner in me is pleading to be acknowledged. The sacrilegious Gospel of secularism is having the floor, which door do I let it seep out of? The mouth? No, that is too commanding of a stage. The mind? Too strong still. The ear? Not loud enough yet. The memory? This is where I will place it. The memory. My breath will stop short

leave and come in Again

Exhaling in a chuckle dripped with sin. I’ll remember my friend who says it’s Effed up when I rant about what’s eating me from within. I’ll remember them.

Flightless Phoenix

I see crows on my morning walk. Wings expanded on each post dangling back and forth. Simon and Garfunkel’s “America”in my headphones.

My dog bent over puzzled at the bush that seems to move. She prepares herself to launch into an attack against the oncoming threat. It only looks to be a strange small bird with a broken wing waddling out of the sunlight and into the welcoming shade. See here a bird that is bruised but continues to move. See here lost in the shuffle hopeful for the shade. See here a bird that is about to be personified as a symbol for restitution and healing. A symbol of starting again on your own path. The bird has passerby’s stepping lightly avoiding the baby I call Flightless Phoenix who has built its own nest of freedom. I turn the corner and think of the bird. The flightless beauty of joy. I walk back around the bend and the bird is headless. A truck has flown down the way and didn’t watch Flightless Phoenix making its own lane. From inspiration to mourning. From freedom in life to freedom in death. Flightless Phoenix is headless. Blood dripping remains stain the sidewalk now riddled with dangerous acidic diseases to any who intercepts the flightless Phoenix. Once remarkable in life, now still just as threatening and dangerous in death.

My Sonata

A gale blows outside

upper echelons of sadness

an Audrey movie on low I’m scrolling for a reason to leave you.

Found what I was looking for

You liked her picture one too many times

And I’m finally getting sense.

You never heard at least two of mine so I’ll exchange them for dollars. I wish there was a way to erase the pain but it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive. The Sun is overrated when you’re hopelessly in love. The moon can be your therapist when there’s no drink in your cup. I feel the weight of sleep like pins and needles but I’m still up pining for you.

If I could play you a Sonata I would only use the good notes. The Black Keys to my heart no copies were made. I told you yesterday. All you said was ok. You don’t want to fight for me. Even when I gave you the recipe to loving me. I said I had walls and gave you pry bars and a sledgehammer. All you had to do was try. And you said you don’t have the time.

This is my sonata to you I hope you always sing it out of tune. You can never get to me again I hope you fall out with all your friends. Don’t ever contact me again of course you won’t. You only care for you. I still have love and it’s eating away at my mind and I lose time everyday wasting it on loving a man that walked away. Loving a man who always has the final say. You can’t tell time and no one ever taught you how. This is my sonata now the silence for swollen ears.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Being Bold & Other Blackouts

Petal 28

     I realized I really feel the love that I have for someone when I watch them sleep. Not in a creepy way, but in a watching your dog, sibling, or parent doze off in front of the blaring TV; kind of way. I felt so much love for my dog recently for her resilience. I once noticed my dog confidently go and leap from the stairs to the carpet and kind of falling over a bit to get her chew toy. I was concerned for a split second. Then she shot up like a rocket, and jumped on the couch like it was nothing. My dog is many things; but mostly bold. Speaking of being bold, I have always wondered why they call it liquid courage when really it makes people confident enough to be embarrassing. It’s kind of ironic in a way. I think that standing up for yourself and being confident, is kind of like blacking out. Just, minus the alcohol. Let me preface this by saying that I have never actually blacked out; but I imagine the same anxious butterflies you get when you have to deal with confrontation that you might pass out; is one and the same.

   Being bold is not for the faint of heart, and it is not something that you can back away from. People can be sensitive when you call them out on being toxic, but have no problem dishing out nastiness. I noticed that over the years it is a common tip that when one takes correction; one must have thick skin. Why do we say that? I believe subconsciously we know that when one is corrected it is not often done with empathy. It is often just accomplished and more often than not; cruelly. If you internalize every paper cut that people dish out; it will become your villain origin story. I see that villain origin stories are used as jokes on twitter threads as of late; but what is so alluring about being damaged enough to be hurting others? I think that people know when they are hurting others and when they go too far, and are so far in the wrong. You think to yourself; “How nice can one person be?” By protecting your inner zen; remove yourself from the situation if it is necessary. Do not always look for reconciliation; you won’t get it. You should chase forgiveness to have a better time going forward. Forgiveness is rarely for the other person, but for you to move forward and heal. People will always be people and some may never change. Faltering this way and that, dishing out judgments, toxicities, and lacking decorum. The best thing you can try to do is put it behind you so you too can leap on to something better. This advice is something I am learning to take for myself as well. You are stuck with you your whole life; you best make your mind and your body comfortable and a safe space. Take care of you.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

24 Hours & Counting: This is 25

Petal 27

I turned 25 two months ago. The last week of being 24. No-one tells you how surreal getting older feels. I remember feeling like 25 was so old when I was 14 and 15 years old. I am so grateful that I have made it to where I have; after so many ups and down. A quarter of a century is something that is overwhelming to realize and not super prevalent at the same time if you don’t think about it. Right before my birthday, an annual tradition of mine is writing down my year in review; right before I do a manifestation board. 24 was full of surprises, breakdowns, reckonings, and personal summits of faith and grinding. I would be remiss if I did not thank God for what He has done. I have been through a lot, some of which (I am not trying to be ominous or annoyingly diplomatic) I will not disclose because I don’t want to dredge up negative emotions. Just know that, I am grateful to be here and feel that I have a renewed sense of purpose. I really want this year to be one of personal fulfillment and following God’s design. I want to make a change not only for myself but make a real difference not to be too cliche.

Then again, when’s the last time a Singer Saved the World? I am talking actually shifting the dynamic and perception of art in media? Aside from Whitney, Prince, Michael Jackson, and Beyoncé? Cue the laugh track, but seriously you have to do something that pushes boundaries and not be afraid of “NO.” I actually use “No’s” to motivate me. I genuinely feel as if what you believe, materializes. No matter what people say you can or can’t accomplish. Pipe dreams can work their way down into the streams of your soul. I think if you follow your heart’s blueprint no-one can say you aren’t meant to do what you want to do. You aren’t meant to love who you want to love. Nothing is really out of your league unless you allow yourself to be drafted by simple minded people with no imaginations. It’s like the euphoria you have when Algebra starts making sense. Just me? Ok then, no-one else had my high school experience? Let me go back to my meditation journal and self-care planner. Oh and yeah, I went axe throwing for my birthday. I told you all I love a challenge. If you hang with me, expect the unexpected. I was terrible, but it was perfect fun.

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Do energy bars still work because I am seeing Ellipticals in Parking Lots and I am like “What In the Los Angeles?”

Petal 24

2021 is in full swing, and I can not seem to keep track of the days. It all feels like it is a repetitive routine for me with some unique shifts in-between of new possibilities. I am resigned to going with the flow, mostly because the ability to do things in my own power and control the outcome is non existent. With God, I know that all things are possible. I do not know about you, but the biggest shift I have seen so far is the eviction of the Orange-haired wonder. I really do not want to talk about the orangutan in the room, so I won’t. I am so relieved that America has someone sane and functioning in the White House now. The insurrection was enough to make any person of color lose faith in hope of harmony altogether. I feel as if my future children wanted to know about 2020 and January 6th, 2021 I wouldn’t know what to say. I know that me being of able body and sound mind in my mid-20s should remember all of this mess but I fear my desire to repress it will be too great to ignore. Let’s just say it was a fog of chaos. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Or… I’ll burn it and keep going.

I am so interested in bettering myself and doing away with self sabotage. One thing I started my year off doing was minimizing my engagement with social media. I think that social media is a huge force that can be fun one moment, and draining the next. It can make you so unaware that you are slowly letting comparison measure your worth. One important notion is to train your brain to see it differently. You can get inspired by a post you see that makes you want to have a version of that for yourself. Do not get jealous just because that blessing is not yours, and you want that specific blessing. Sometimes; that specific blessing can come your way if you know how to not whine about it not being here when you want it. Work takes effort, but whining takes effort too. Which brings me to my next point..

Why am I Blogging about the pitfalls of Social Media while on Social Media? I know that is very ironic but I mean everything is virtual nowadays anyways. Without being a hypocrite, I will say I fall victim to it like the next person. I’m Human. It is ok to admit, so I know how to work around it. It is all about intention and going after your goals no matter what people think you are able to do it or not able to accomplish. As a Singer, I can be judged harsher on my songwriting skills and my Acting. As an Actor, I get critiques about managing a podcast reviewing films when I am not a celebrated film critic. Also as an multi-hyphenate, I may throw folks for a loop because I want to direct in my thirties.

*Insert Gasp*

Yeah, I said it. I have always wanted to do that. I mean, I already have had experience directing in the podcast world and in undergrad. Whether I had experience or not, do not let people’s eyes, mouths, and ears keep you from pursuing your dreams. Keep in mind that one mans NO, is still God’s YES. Remember to pace yourself and enjoy the process. The beauty is in the work that will push you to the limit and a little down the hill. A little work everyday will come a long way even if some days I call it night because I feel stuck. I will also say to keep meditating and tallying up your gratitude. Take care of your mind, body, and spirit. I saw people working out at the mall last month and there were ellipticals in the parking lots because of the pandemic….WHAT IN THE LOS ANGELES?! Does anyone know if Energy Bars Still Work?

[prettytailoredsunflower]

Sex, Starbucks, & Sunday Service

PETAL 32

My mother could have moonlighted as a Sexologist. I’m serious. She homeschooled my sister and I and we were raised in the Bible Belt with a love for Jesus in a divisive world. Make no mistake, my parents were very progressive. I was watching Training Day with my teddy bear in tow. I credit that to having more seasoned parents so the blinders were off from a young age. My mother prided herself in divulging all the little birds, bees, ladybugs, squirrels, and every other woodland creature under the sun. This was long before I had my morning coffee. Ahhh, Starbucks. Let me take this interlude to talk about my latte haven. Yes, Starbucks has been my spot since I was a bifocal wearing middle schooler, and for all the other adults in training. These talks went on for the years leading up to and the years after my Crimson Wave routinely paid my boy shorts a visit. Purity ceremonies were deemed problematic by my parents. They really just wanted to inform us about how precious virginity or even celibacy was. It’s like my mother wanted me to have the two thought patterns alert and alive. “You have your spiritual mind and what your fleshly mind desires. You know what the Word of God says about your precious pearls, but your body might be singing a different tune. Your entire life you will have to choose between your spirit and your flesh. You are made in God’s image. Choose this day who you will serve.” Yes, it was very ominous, but honest. I remember asking how will you know if you made the right choice. It was then that my mother turned into Morpheus. “Ah, now you’re asking the right questions.” Honestly, it really did feel like I lived with Morpheus from The Matrix. I learned about not just the red or blue pills, but the Plan B pills, Trojans, Diva Cups, oh my! My mother knew she was raising two young women who would make up their own mind and wanted to make sure they were safe and knew about crucial sex education. I’m sure that most parents wouldn’t even dream of being that open. My father, God Bless him was not as free spirited as my mother was. To get him to talk about sex was like getting him to dance in a tutu, it was virgin territory for him too. I think him giving his speech on how important Planned Parenthood is was all he could muster. When I got to college, the talks got a bit more extensive. I assured my mother I had over a decade of education on things that I am sure I am more than aware of what it was, how it went, where it went, and what to do. I think growing up I didn’t just like the idea, but loved the idea that chastity meant your body was pure. Sunday service and Awana Club had made me feel so connected to God and what His plan was for me. I think that as I got older, I surrounded myself with like minded people who like all people served the spirit and sometimes the flesh. Unfortunately, there were pious people who put down others who maybe took a different path. Notice I said different, not wrong. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” That’s in the Bible too, but not a lot of folks like to quote that one. I think the herd mentality of just because you are pure in body, you can’t show love to your neighbor who doesn’t live like you, or sin like you is wrong. I don’t think that makes you pure of heart and that is why cancel culture is so harmful. I mean, everybody sins. All sins aren’t the same one could argue, but in the eyes of God…. SIN IS SIN. I mean, I personally think that being pure of heart is better than being pure of body. If we didn’t traumatize people into believing they had to be one way, they wouldn’t walk away. This the reason why so many flee from the church or end up with an unwanted number. You know, an ankle biter. I think that the decision is ultimately yours. Obviously, being safe is essential otherwise you really are asking for trouble. Shutting people out does more harm than good. I’m grateful for a mother and father who raised me to be smart and make my own decisions and be able to say “Hey, this is where I draw the line in the sand.” Or “This is what I’m comfortable with, and what I’ll be doing for the future.” I like things the way I like them. Does that make me High Maintenance? Maybe. God loves me anyway. If you’ve slept around, only got a few skeletons, a huge body count, or maybe you’re a complete and total virgin; God still loves you too. If you don’t hear that anywhere else, you’ve got this blog.