#chronic depression once too but im shutting my eyes. i do not see it

[transvampireboyfriend]

guy who has been diagnosed with clinical depression on several occasions: fuck! why am i sad???? and for no reason? ?? FUCK

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3

3. Transformation Central

the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:

‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’

sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.

SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.

{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}

~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.

here goes:

What is this part of my mind ?

If you want; delve inside-

I may look sweet like Alice,

but underneath it all

I deteste looking in the mirror

-cos I see the mad hatter.

my inner child needs a platter-

full of care not distortion & abuse pls.

less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.

now following the dead fish in the stream!

HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?

I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.

dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.

alone.

thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.

I sat and watched them grow.

In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)

and still they make me feel like the alien-

I cant take it.

Make it make sense ?

I can’t.

controller in my hand-

Off balance stance.  

anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.

where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?

the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!

change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.

catch me sun gazing by the sea

head buzzin like a bee.

speaking from a dusty box

stuck on top of a forbidden shelf

cos I dunno how else.

I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive

How can i visualise? scenery foggy-

the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD

inner monk burning but at peace

Cos I refuse to believe

If the only way is the American dream

Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!

down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door

subcategories & divisions, it’s more!

than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built

do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?

will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?

well obviously not.

does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?

LABOUR YAY!

but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.

sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.

or maybe i’m enlightened-

Standing at the edge of the porch;

watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.

questioning eVERYTHING man made!

I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame

I can see the coal pollute the sky

I need to hop on the train-

but I’m comfortable

Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.

what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?

I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.

Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.

TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,

with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.

thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks

& building a kingdom of bliss.

guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.

might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.

I observe, cruisin in the sky.

dunno why..

I jus look @ the hills.

Only time & history reveals.

no thanks mr men-

I don’t want your prescription pills.

there’s enough propaganda as it is.

I won’t jump on the merry go round-

til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!

I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.

oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!

guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...

it’s not thrilling

system  time killing everything-

mother nature’s oxygen

everything is nauseating

clock ticking, I better start creating.

they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.

If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.

Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.

they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.

In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.

More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.

zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!

Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.

we’ll be okay just hush.

Same Shan message told to every generational seed.

If we don’t TRY overpower-

we’ll never succeed!

it’s getting even more scary.

Artificial intelligence.

Societal negligence..

my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?

finger painting, cos it makes more sense.

struggling to blend.

borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;

moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.

who made the chalk? who set the lanes?

I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.

I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,

Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.

hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.

Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush

Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!

Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?

I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.

time is running out & ill go when I go.

I’m sitting inside the fly trap -

stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.

deep emotion is a curse.

still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-

flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.

I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.

Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise

-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.

sadomasochistic, messes.

but oblivion, seems like less stress.

Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes

empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.

Punching truth into the core of your chest!

It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..

My limbs are numb

& im done playing octopus alchemy.

I want minimalism & life can be simple,

Evil entities have made it hard.

Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.

But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,

I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.

I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-

Outside looking in, digesting confusion.

Is to be a product of environment a sin?

rummage through my messy brain.

personalities sardine packed in this tin

I’m the wizard of my mania

Scaring & attracting the black crows-

they’re my friends.

Sometimes still a cowardly lion

Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.

will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest

In to the cake i’m baking?

Probably not.

Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.

gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.

sometimes I stay in line

Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.

but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.

we all have a pace

I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.

It’s unfair!

Humanity does anyone care ??

Half lady

half fairy

Good  MOOrning-

from my anagrams.

no I’m not a cow.

twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-

form of expression this time around lyrics.

feel I’m jus a silly rubix

& still mourning

I don’t like dairy

pass the oat milk.

Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?

we want peace!

the powerful elite-

perceive & deceive

the scene they want us to be.

chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-

every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.

evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.

working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.

It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?

Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!

it’s pure scary.

Pharmaceutics handshake.

with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.

I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk

If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.

why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.

every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.

I want real fruit, what next-

a seedless peach ???

what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?

layers & levels to the shit.

Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.

sponge soaked soaking up emotions

Suffocated by deduction of care in life

feel entrapped in this paradigm

what am I thinking ?

got the verbs & a cuppa tea

It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.

I’d rather be awake than asleep

When I get too comfy I feel weak

Demons they reap

underneath

rip the seems as I bleed

Concrete

Solid

Emotions

Is all you’re getting

It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting

people need care we seem to be forgetting

why are we in debt wit

a posse of clowns

pay the price so we can get a frown

here’s some seratonin

quit ya moaning

life is all sound

aw yeh¿  if you’re not an over thinker!

product of environment- Sirius flickers

theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca

now here’s your gold sticker..

for managing to co operate.

In this world fuelled off of evil n hate

waking ups a bloody disgrace

I am not amazed.

Man I love my fam n my friends

Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend

sometimes I feel insane

but I’m calm

need to escape so I don’t do harm

Gold lioness in the sky by the sea

with puff the magic dragon

fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe

I will shine bright

Promise imma be alright

even tho I’m not sure why

I function like this

I wanna be myself

It’s just hard to find the comfortability

To feel happy and pretty

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Ring around sing about overdose emotions

Sorry dunno how to communicate

Heads in a constant debate

Should I go or should I stay

My head clashes

Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.

[autumn-foxfire]

What Im thinking about today: BNHA n stigmatization of psychology.

The thing is, we as humans are very ready to help each other (most of the time). Thats why we try to rehabilitate prisoners, thats why we volunteer, thats why proffesions such as doctors, social workers and psychologists etc exist. I think we talked here before how most villains in the series havent been failed by heroes, they've been failed by societal safety nets that were meant to catch ppl like them, just like social workers try to catch endangered kids and psychologists try to catch people with mental problems.

Now i study psychology so ill concentrate on that. Obviously it depends from place to place but mental care is still very often looked down upon as 'something for crazy people.' I have personal expirience with that as when i suggested to my dad that maybe he should look into a psychologist too (after my brother started going to one) cuz he has some issues that he could use a hand dealing with, his response was 'what? But im not crazy'. I study psychology and he still often makes jokes about me treating crazy people in the future. I interviewd a school psychologist for a class and she told us that one of the first things she has to do in a school is get students to relax and feel comfortable coming to her with problems cuz there is a very clear stigma in everyones mind that asking for help with your mental problems is something bad, something wrong, something that means you are crazy, wierd, other and people do fear that stigmatization. Going to a psychologist doesnt mean you are crazy, it means you are having problems that you cant deal with on your own and that you need proffesional help with. Nothing more, nothing less. Those problems can be depression or they can be helping you to deal with lingering emotions from your divorce. Big or small, psychology is simply there to give you support and tools you need to feel good again. You wouldnt stigmatize someone for going to the doctor for a soar throat or cancer so you shouldnt stigmatize someone seeking p much the same help for mental illness.

But people still do because things ingrained in society are very very hard to uproot and things are going for the better with every generation but its a painfully slow process and there is no telling how many people fall through that net because they dont seek help when they still can because they think 'im not crazy im not gonna go to those mumbo junbo psychologist that mess with your head' which is very much like going 'im not gonna go to a doctor for my infected wound, they would mess with my body'. Untreated infections spread and get worse and people fall through.

This is what leads me back to bnha. We dont know exactly how long the world of quirks existed, i think i saw a post breaking it down to be for about 100-300 years but for the life of me i cant remember. We know its not terribly long. 100 years may seem long until you remember a single human can live to 100 years old. Now my question is, if a science such as psychology that has been present since like ancient greeks n egypt n stuff can still be stigmatized.

How accepted would quirk counseling be?

Lets not forget that quirks were heavily discriminated against in the begining, treated as monsterous and the other and the acceptence of them is still something fresh and more extreme mutations still face hate groups. Like its completly canon that there are people alive now in bnha whos parents or grandparents faced discrimination or died because of quirk discrimination (cough redestro cough).

Imagine being Togas parents.

Your child displays a quirk like that. You still have in memory your parent or grandparent who was discriminated and monsterized because of a similar quirk. Quirk counceling exists but why should you take your daughter there. Shes not a monster, this isnt something you should get someone else involved with, its a family matter and what do those counselors know anyway, they will treat your daughter as a monster and make everything worse. You can handle this yourself, you can teach her to supress it. Shes not a monster.

The wound festers.

This especially goes hard for japan whos big on the keeping things in the family aspect and not discracing the family. The stigma is still fresh in the memory and you dont want to be that family whos kid goes to quirk counseling. You shut the doors, you shut the windows, you deal with it within the family.

I think that while quirk counseling exists in bnha, it would most likely be seen as something thats shameful to atend, a admitance that you dont have control over your own quirk. Your friends might say 'what the fuck man why are you going there, you arent a monster' even if a quirk that has negative effects should be treated as shortsighted eyes that need glasses. Just because it doesnt function well, doesnt mean its bad. But well stigmatization of disabled is a whole nother thing our society also has problems with and that also connects to bnha (cough aoyama cough). I think thats why its so easy for people in bnha to fall through those safety nets. I do belive they exist but they are new, probably not the most super effective as most new things tend to be and are probably looked down upon.

And hate to break it to shiggy and the crew but thats the kind of a problem that can only be fixed my longterm education and normalization of asking for help rather then burning the systhem to the ground.

I hope that made sense i always get a little loopy with my points when i write a long one fgdgff

No, it makes sense.

Mental health is still stigmatized everywhere, even here in the UK where we’re supposed to have some of the best health care available (which is debatable). To bring something a little personal into this, my flatmates and I were playing a guessing game where I had to describe a word with other descriptions being taboo (in my case it was headache) and as my flatmates know I suffer from chronic headaches, I said as a clue that it was something I get often. Well, a flatmate who was a little tipsy at the time who knows about my depression shouted depression to my other shocked flatmates (I didn’t mind, in fact I found it hilarious). But after we had all calmed down, one of my flatmates said something that stuck with me: “Maybe you shouldn’t overshare things”.

Now, I don’t see telling people I have depression as something I’m oversharing. It’s not private, it’s a mental health condition I suffer from that can kill me if it goes unchecked (before starting medication again, I was very suicidal). In fact, it benefits both me and my flatmates to know that I have depression just in case. And yet it was viewed as something that I was “oversharing”.

This attitude has only arisen because people treat mental health as something that is shameful and should only be known among family members. In fact, I had no clue that DASS (a disability service in uni) was actually also for mental health issues because we’ve been raised with people treating mental health as something “in our heads” and so isn’t as important as physical disabilities, it was only until my uni pointed out that it was there for every condition, physical and mental.

The point I’m making is that I can totally see mental health in BNHA be treated as a shameful secret. Japan doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to mental health anyway (don’t they have some of the highest suicide rates?) so it wouldn’t surprise me if the BNHA universe is the same. In fact, the only mental health issues we’ve seen in BNHA currently are the extreme examples of it such as Twice and Dabi’s mania.

I would love to see Horikoshi delve a little more into quirk counselling and the potential stigma behind it. I know it’s been brought up once or twice (UA treats it as something normal but as teachers who see mental health issues all the time, it’s no wonder that they do) but not enough in my opinion when it’s probably one of the most important stop gaps between making villains.

I don’t have much hope, admittedly, but it would be something fun to explore in fanon too!

[retvenkos]

Hi! Congrats Olive! That's amazing! 🔥 please? Okay Part 1: Im an ISFJ/INFJ, 6w7 and 4w3(i know i know you are only suppose to have 1 but i swear I’m both lol), And a slytherpuff! Straight female. I am very smiley and bubbly but am an introvert(or extroverted introvert) and can be super shy. I am extremely ambitious and loyal My friends call me optimistic and the happy one of the group but I actually suffer from chronic depression, OCD,  and major social anxiety.

Part 2: Also have abandonment issues due to my dad leaving. Can be overly emotional and sensitive. But I I love to laugh and find the positive in situations!  I am a very determined person, if I want something I won’t stop trying until I psychically can’t. When Im in expert in something I sometimes get a slight superiority complex, mainly when someone questions me on it, trying to work on that.I’m a Christian and my faith is very important to me!

Part 3 I LOVE to cuddle and hold hands and hugs but innocent otherwise. I have danced and done theater my whole life and love it and being on stage so much but ultimately decided to into video editing. I LOVE broadway and musicals but can’t sing for crap. I love pink and Disney(worked there twice) and nerdy stuff. Child at heart and old soul at the same time.  Oh and for Disney, Marvel, and Harry Potter please! Thanks so much!

Disney:

I ship you with Flynn Rider!

alright, we already know that flynn has a secret soft side to him, and i 100% believe that you unlock it without trying, on like, the second time you meet flynn.

i want to say that you met flynn fairly early on in his life - when he first got out of the orphanage and was still a thief in training. he probably made some dashing rescue when you were cornered by some thugs, and you thanked him with some coin and maybe a dinner? who knows. both of you are young and neither of you well off financially, so you share what little you have. when he leaves, you noticed he let you keep your money. so he’s a gentleman, huh?

he continues to find reasons to stop by your village, his excuses getting increasingly worse over time. on all of his visits, flynn seems to have the mission of getting to know you better - and you’re not going to easily reveal your secrets. after all, a girl’s gotta look out for herself, doesn’t she?

flynn learns that you are a very ambitious person with a lot of smarts that you’re proud of, and he likes your confidence - it’s something he’s had to build over a lifetime, so he loves the fact that it comes so easily to you.

he also loves your optimism. he used to have it, once, and it’s refreshing to find someone who truly and honestly believes in the world.

getting to know you is slow going, but it also takes time to get to know him, so fair is fair. and the more you learn about each other, the more you want him to stay. you, of course, know about his life on the run as a master thief, and he has hidden in your house plenty of times before.

what’s most interesting about your relationship is that flynn talks about the future with you. you know what you want to do with your life and are working towards it with all the tenacity in the world. you are headed in one direction and nothing can stop you, and that inspires flynn and reminds him of himself. and both of you are going to do all you can.

(if you want to get some angst in this headcanon set, maybe your ambitions take you to the castle - maybe you want to be a healer or someone who offers intellectual council, idk. anyway, your ambitions put you in direct opposition of flynn, and the two of you probably have a few run ins. and while there isn’t animosity and you always let him run free, there is a distance between the two of you. BUT, your time at court doesn’t work out and you have to go back to your roots - to flynn.) 

or! maybe you’re an actress in plays! you know that if you were, flynn would sneak into your shows to watch you and would leave you a single flower after your performance. 

you’re relationship is a lot of fun! it involves a lot of sneaking around, a lot of stolen, soft moments, and then talks at the kitchen table, with the candle burning low and all the world between you two.

ugh, i just love this concept.

Marvel:

I ship you with Peter Parker!

you and peter are the sweetest couple ever, two nerds who probably had feelings for eachother for a long time, but were too shy and awkward to mention them. 

since you mentioned video editing, can i propose the idea of you taking videos of spider-man, not knowing it’s peter? may i propose the idea of you making youtube videos about spider-man and kind of being his hype man in the early stages? may i suggest the idea that you are the reason why spider-man blew up online, and it stresses peter out to no end?

i really want peter to bring you into the fold and tell you that he’s spider-man because you’ve been bringing him a lot of attention and have started making theory videos on who he is and how he got his powers, and the stress of you possibly figuring out and telling the whole world is literally killing him.

then you can work to steer the evidence away from peter and to someone else, lol.

alright, but back to basics - you and peter both have altruistic goals! peter wants to make a difference and you do, too. you’re both kind of quiet in your goals but work toward them with a fervor, and it’s good for both of you to find someone with so much drive and willingness. 

also, the two of you are nerds! you can be nerds together! you would never have to hide your interests from peter and that is honestly such a relief. you definitely geek out over harry potter and all sorts of movies - you’re still trying to sell peter on paying attention to the full lore of star wars, but he really only listens for you and ned.

you both are a little sensitive, but you are able to work through that together. you both are unafraid to lean on the other and be vulnerable with each other, and that’s an exceptional trait to have, so the fact that you employ it so early on is good. 

peter, too, has that young at heart yet old soul vibe to him, and that’s because he’s had to struggle in life. he’s lost a lot of people and is poor, all of which ages him (mcu peter doesn’t really have this vibe, but other spideys do), and yet he is still a teenager! he’s still trying his best and wants to see the world! he has wonder in his eyes, and that makes him young again. you understand how he can be simultaneously both, which is good, because explaining that can be rough, and he also understand that in you. lots of mutual understanding is good for you - esp. since his life is so complicated, being spiderman.

oh! peter also loves watching bootl*gs of musicals with you. the two of you will hang out at his place, eating microwave popcorn while trying to enjoy the shaky video. peter talks a lot through movies, but it’s all good, because if you kiss his cheek, he gets flustered and goes very quiet for at least 10 minutes.

Harry Potter:

I ship you with Draco Malfoy!

okay, you gotta stick with me here, because i promise you i have some thoughts about this

i mostly get post-war vibes. i imagine the two of you didn’t interact a lot at school, and if you did, it was in passing - partners in charms once or twice, nothing that could make the two of you especially hate each other later in life.

i’m going all out and saying you both work in the ministry - in the same or similar departments, both of you working late into the night. you, because of your ceaseless ambitions and draco because working clears his mind from all the horrors of his past.

it first starts out that the two of you pass by each other at night, almost shutting off the lights on the other because you thought you were alone. i imagine that draco approaches you first - he has a problem that you can help him solve, and he’s pleasantly surprised by your pride in what you know and the vehemence with which you state the facts. he didn’t know you were so strong willed. it vaguely reminds him of himself, and that’s where the interaction ends.

after that, though, he’s bridged the gap. now, he’ll come over to you for advice on how to do some of his ministry work - you’re really good in a lot of areas, and you’re incredibly concise. when he comes over to your desk, you now ask him about some of your own challenging problems, and the two of you are work friends, now.

it’s a slow burn to end all slow burns, but eventually draco brings you a cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate one winter's night when the two of you are working late - his way to say thank you for all of your help. he’s not used to this - reaching out and being nice, but you inspire it in him.

one night he helps you walk some paperwork back to your house - some work you still have to do over the holidays - and he offers his help, if you need it.

i imagine that you don’t exactly want to call draco malfoy over to your apartment during the holidays, so you don’t, but when you realize how far you are behind, you call him over on a saturday and the two of you work all day. it’s mindless filing, mostly, so the two of you have time to talk, if you want to. draco’s pretty silent this whole time, but you are talkative and you eventually get him to crack. you talk about your earliest years at hogwarts. draco rolls his eyes at how dramatic he was and groans at some of his actions. (”remember when you made those “’potter stinks’ buttons? you had a button press in the slytherin common room and gave them out to everyone. i can’t believe snape let you keep a button press!”) the two of you have a lot of tea and you go to get lunch at a restaurant nearby, and when you’re walking back after your meal (where he laughed - actually laughed at something you said) he turns to you and sincerely apologizes for all that he was in his hogwarts years. and because there was never too much bad blood between you two, you shrug off his apology.

and it takes a lot of time for both of you to open up - and i mean a lot of time. you guys steadily become friends who tell each other everything, and it’s you who drags draco to parties with other school mates whom he reconciles with (although he still gives apologies to the main trio, quite often). because you’re a little more extroverted, you bring draco out of his shell while still being introverted in your activities.

you also take draco to your favorite muggle places - the theatre being one of them. i want to say that you go to see les mis or hadestown, because i feel like draco would actually really like those musicals. you also do a lot of movie watching, which draco loves. he gets to set aside his troubles for a few hours or so, and it’s nice.

a few more ideas - you teach draco to cook, you realise draco has a love for poetry and find it very sweet (but you lord it over him, of course), you gossip about your coworkers together, and you star gaze.

EVENTUALLY the two of you get together, and it’s just really sweet. draco’s not big on pda, but he will always give you his arm, or he will hold your hand, and the love is in the gentle stares and soft smiles.

[milo-gin]

my art journey rant - 1/(?)

Making use of the lack of sleep I have, I want to write so to relieve myself, and hopefully release some feelings out of my system which are consuming me right now

idk why im making this, so don’t take me too seriously… if you read through this good, and if don’t it’s okay too

this past week I decided to make a bold move on a platform that has seen me grow over the years, I now realize the system has changed so much in it from when I started to use it…

I attempted to separate my accounts in order for my art to be taken more seriously, but hey it’s going even worse than I thought. I have knowledge in the way media platforms work, they use certain algorithms which pretty much factor who, what, when and where are things seen…

I really make an effort on whatever I post, which is why I don’t post as often, also because I feel like i’m different than most artist who are quick and very confident about what they’re doing, or at least is what they portray cuz I see no one talking about how they feel (except for Aokamei who is very open and expresses exactly what she’s feeling)

There’s a stigma, even when there’s a lot of effort being made on informing people about being depressed.

Before you judge and roll your eyes to think “oh another poor human, trying to gain attention” my blog isn’t even big, I have been medically diagnosed with “chronic depression” but it’s been really hard to cope this past months

I’ve gone up hill and down too many times over these past few months, and years… and I really want to crawl out of it, but my surroundings just make it really hard

For the most part, I hang out with people who’s skills are unbelievable, they’re so good at what they do… I know it’s pretty shitty to feel this way but I fucking hate seeing all of their success shoved into my face… like “oh look at my boyfriend, he’s so bae” hashtag whatever guy crush idk what day, and they’re landing amazing jobs, and doing all this events, and I just fucking dont want to know how good their life is cuz I cant help but see my empty hands, filled with the scars of my own bitch ass tears…

Some people just have it better than others, it’s the way it is. I’ve seen art be a field where you don’t necessarily rely on skill but on luck, and maybe a little bit of “mainstream” into what you do…

The faster you get a piece out about that new photo or whatever is happening the better right (?) that’s what I thought, I had an entire week grind to prove it, and IT DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT

If you ask anyone who’s big, they dont even know how they got there…they’ll tell you it happened overnight with that one thing they did and then “kazoooo” everything was solved… so based on their answer,

ITS A GOD DAMN STRIKE OF LUCK!!

(man im a piece of shit… I can’t even believe im getting naked like this in here)

The right palette, beautiful things, women, plants, animals, man Im fucking so unaccomplished on every single thing of those, I have no aesthetic for what’s beautiful.

Im really tired of trying so hard sleeping until 5 am to wake up at 10 am or until 8 pm, my sleeping schedule is proof of how much I’ve been burning myself out for the sake of being seen, and maybe gaining some recognition, that I probably don’t deserve.

I ain’t saying none of you amazing ones who I admire don’t go through this exact bullshit, I am well aware you do…

I personally just lack the strenght, I’ve tried killing myself a lot of times cuz of this, I am a pussy at life, I fucking suck

Im a piece of shit worthless human being with bitch mentality, but fuck I try to be honest about myself and how i’m going about life… Im really tired I think I’m gonna give up art once and for all(watch me not do this at all)

Gaaah i want to tear my brain of and shut it down how the fuck am I like this all the time, I want to change and no matter how hard I try my fucking ass just doesn’t chill

I wish we could have a break from ourselves and our emotions.

I know I’m a bitch for complaining, I know it… but idk man this is just how I feel

Sympathy is unnecessary, so don’t worry much but, I just want to stop thinking and stressing out so much>

THERES SO MUCH PRESSURE

I just want to be happy, I HATE ART

I HATE IT SO SO SO MUCH

IT MAKES ME FEEL SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF

Im a nobody, i fucking hate this

[baekhoneyed]

tagged by @kokokysoo for one of those “get to know me” memes! (under the cut cuz its so long)

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (idk how many people ill end up tagging and dont feel obligated!!)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water but like i think my flatmates put vodka in the ice cube trays so?? not sure exactly how much is accidentally Not Water

2. Phone Call: uhhhhh a study abroad program advisor

3. Text Message: my older brother tryna convince me that i’ll make friends eventually lmao

4. Song you listened to: i actually stopped writing this to grab a sweater but then TT came on and i instinctively dance to it now so that happened

5. Time you cried: almost last night but like... not enough feelings to actually cry yet just wait

6. Dated someone twice: never even dated someone once, bro...

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i never regret giving my dog kisses but sometimes my cat swipes at me :/

8. Been cheated on: gotta have a boyfriend first to get cheated on

9. Lost someone special: yup

10. Been depressed: only since i was 12 years old  l m f a o

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i hate puking so i never go past being tipsy

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red!

13. millennial pink fight me

14. rose gold fight me again

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yyyes but i sure would like to make some more Here, at my Current University

16. Fallen out of love: mmm not Love but definitely Like? i stopped Liking someone who i had a crush on

17. Laughed until you cried: so frequently it’s worrisome

18. Found out someone was talking about you: um did u mean middle and high school? i was such a petty bitch tho i put em in their places after crying in my room alone lmfao

19. Met someone who changed you: yes yes yes! dallon is the first who comes to mind he’s... no words

20. Found out who your friends are: ummm i dont know?

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: ...my mom??? lmao

GENERAL:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them except a few who ive just added bc we’re all transfer students to the same university this year and im Desperate

23. Do you have any pets: yes!! 2 cats, Harry and Kai (shut up ok i’ve always liked that syllable in chinese) and one dog, Lady my perfect cuddle angel baby

24. Do you want to change your name: honestly... sometimes yeah? but only because it’s so boring when it’s translated into chinese/korean so maybe i’d just change my names in those languages idk

25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably just went out to dinner w/ my family, but when i got back to my old college my friends and i went to a store in Queens it was such a good day...

26. What time did you wake up: like... noon probably lmao #depression

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: rewatching exo next door and gettin emotional over ksoo

28. Name something you can not wait for: THE POWER OF MUSIC BITCH LESS THAN 12 HOURS NOW

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a couple weeks ago when she and my dad helped me move in to my apartment

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i didnt have fucking depression! anxiety is easy to deal with for me but depression isnt

31. What are you listening to right now: walk on memories

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have a 2nd cousin named Tom he’s like 50 years old

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ......so much

34. Most visited website: netflix/facebook/tumblr

35. Mole/s: one on my back, one on my neck, one under my left boob... i think that’s it

36. Mark/s: mostly bruises on my shins bc im clumsy; also some shaving scars from like 3+ years ago (one of em bled for 4 days while i was in china!)

37. Childhood dream: typical american kid stuff like ballerina and movie star

38. Hair color: medium brown i guess? it used to be lighter but it’s been getting darker as i get older

39. Long or short hair: i just cut it short again so it’s just touching my shoulders when dry (it’s wavy-curly so it’s a bit longer than that in reality)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yeah can i have uhhhhhhhh byun baekhyun? no one irl tho

41. What do you like about yourself: ive got a great complexion that has really calmed down in the past few years! and i love my eyes ive got gorgeous eyes and a nice smile and a cute body and ive been doin self-love the past year can u tell?

42. Piercings: just regular ear piercings that i only got... a year ago...

43. Blood type: i never remember but maybe O? whichever one is the most common i think idk tho

44. Nickname: lulu is a nickname, ummm ive had a few friends call me em or ems which is cute

45. Relationship status: chronically single and repulsive to the male population, perhaps?

46. Zodiac: sun in pisces/leo rising (fun fact when i was little a kid asked me my sign so i said pisces and he called me fish poop so i cried) (he was probably a gemini the fuckin asshole), year of the tiger

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: pushing daisies, 30 rock, scrubs, grey’s anatomy but only up til the 8th season then it’s bad

49. Tattoos: i actually almost got one a few weeks ago but then i lost my job :/ i wanted to get “je ne regrette rien” tattooed on my hip bone real small

50. Right or left handed: right - i used to be able to write pretty well with my left hand but alas...

51. Surgery: yyyup wisdom teeth removal, eyelid surgery to get rid of some bumpy things, broken arm when i was like 1.5 years old, and im getting lasik next summer probably

52. Piercing: ya already asked ya doofus

53. Sport: my dad made me play basketball in middle school i got 2 technical fouls bc i had anger issues so i stopped playing basketball. i got Decent at ballet tho!

54. Vacation: we havent really had the money lately

55. Pair of trainers: i just bought 2 new pairs bc i ruined my only pair in seoul and had to throw them out (they got soaked in the rain and then mildewed n all) (side note: they’re so expensive?? the adidas and nike were as expensive as the new balance which is Silly so i just bought adidas and nike)

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: nothing rn but i need to go get dinner...

57. Drinking: did we not already go over this

58. I’m about to go: either to the dining hall or to a nearby restaurant im honestly not sure 

59. Waiting for: exo to move in next door to me only to discover that one of them is my childhood best friend-slash-first love and another has fallen in love with me and my clumsy but lovable personality :)

60. Want: byun baekhyun (im kidding kind of, um i want to make friends here and be less anxious about my classes and life in general)

61. Get married: yeah one day but so far no one i’ve met is Vibing with that seeing as no one will even ask me out im not Super Hopeful :/

62. Career: chinese major/korean minor at a university um hopefully after i graduate someone will hire me and give me money to do something i dont completely hate but we’ll see

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: i literally would not know so i will say Hugs because they’re the only things ive experienced! and i could use a really long hug rn

64. Lips or eyes: ...eyes... but lips r important too cuz i cant even look at a photo of amy schumer anymore w/out staring at her terrifying lips

65. Shorter or taller: taller but someone around my height would be ok too (.....im just sayin im like the same height as bbh...)

66. Older or younger: older bc im not about to go dating a freshman or a high schooler lmfao

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: arrrrrrrrms

68. Hookup or relationship: never had either but i think i’d prefer a stable relationship to some extent?? we just dont know

69. Troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker when im comfortable w/ people/places but other than that hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

70. Kissed a stranger: no

71. Drank hard liquor: yeah it’s nasty :/ but it does the trick

72. Lost glasses/contact lenses: somehow no

73. Turned someone down: ya this one guy hit on me when i was walking thru myeongdong but he was a) a stranger b) 25 years old c) from egypt so like it was never gonna happen buddy

74: Sex on the first date: gonna need a first date before i can even answer (the answer would be no i am not down w/ that) 

75. Broken someone’s heart: probably not, ill dont think im capable of doing that plus im still so young that realistically it just hasnt been a possibility

76. Had your heart broken: not really, my silly crushes have all been resolved easily bc i never talk about them and then i notice things i dont like about the person and stop liking them like that

77. Been arrested: no but a friend of mine got arrested for trespassing on a roof in nyc last year lmao

78: Cried when someone died: yeah

79. Fallen for a friend: sort of? briefly? it never went anywhere it was silly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. Yourself: i try to most days but it’s rough

81: Miracles: i mean im not a non-believer but i also don’t actively wait for them to happen or really put much stock in them

82. Love at first sight: im not sure because bbh hasnt seen me yet so how would we know??

83. Santa Claus: not anymore i think when i was 8 i sorta stopped

84. Kiss on the first date: never even had a first date or a first kiss ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

85. Angels: um yeah actually! proof they exist - byun baekhyun do kyungsoo kim jongdae kim jongin the list goes on,,

OTHER:

90. Current best friends: dallon, lilli, ida, stephanie, aria!

91: Eye color: light green. i have Gorgeous eyes!!!

92: Favorite movie: a taiwanese movie called Secret, i rly liked ksoo’s movie Hyung, Chicago the Musical... there are more but im drawing a blank

i guess ill tag... no one but if ur reading this and u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u! i love learning about u guys it makes me feel less alone