#comparing it then to john's journey getting pulled into the supernatural world

[antigonewinchester]

I have zero expectations for The Winchesters but working on my Mark meta & reading so much abt soldiers, combat trauma & Vietnam has made me very, very curious as to how they’re going to portray John in the show, and this interview is quite interesting in that regard.

[lgbt-ya]

Recent LGBTQ+ reads

MLM reads:

Finding Home by Hari Conner  -  A beautifully drawn graphic novel about a healer fey who can grow flowers (!) and a chef, who are travelling together across their country. Along the way, they get to know each other, and we get to learn more about their fascinating, magic world. This is a slow burn romance, and the two men don't get together in this volume, but the others are already published - I'm super excited to read the next one. The art really makes this one - their expressions give so much information, and there is a diary full of illustrations kept along the route by the character included too. Really lovely and magical! 

The Kingdoms by Natasha Pulley* -  A beautifully written, funny and paradoxical time-slip story set during the Napoleonic War, if it all went in France's favour. Romantic, full of ships and battles and lighthouses, this is so inventive and fun. There were a few parts which genuinely made me gasp (the freezing sea, the London Underground, the final train journey). Other times, I found myself scratching my head a bit. There were a few missing jumps in logic - I found it hard to follow all of the many battles and voyages over different time periods, and it was very frustrating that Jem didn't seem bothered about being in the past or use his knowledge of the future in any way. But I loved the characters (some of Kite's more....immoral behaviour aside) and I was truly hooked - I read this in one sitting. (Kite is a queer man, and others are questioning)

WLW reads:

Giant Days, Vol. 11 by John Allison - I love this series - I've been reading them for many years now, starting when I was a fresher like the characters, and now I am most definitely not (!). Each volume is a low-stress, big-hijinks slice of slightly surreal life, and I'm going to be dipping in and out of them as long as they're being published. (Daisy is a queer woman.)

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth* -  An intricate, lengthy ghost story, about a haunted girls school in 1902, and the group of modern actors who are filming a movie about the ghost story. Unfortunately, the crew are planning to make a haunting on-set, to build up the hype of the movie and add a second layer to the spookiness of the narrative. I loved both timelines, which were equally diverse with queer characters and intrigue. The writing was lush and relaxed, taking its time to build a realistic world on its way towards the ending. There's also some wonderful horrifying moments in there too - if you're wasp-phobic, this one might not be for you!

Genderqueer reads: 

The Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix* -  I really liked the worldbuilding and character dynamics in this, but it was bogged down by too much explaining and not enough showing. I couldn't really tell you what the stakes were! A bit of a shame. (The character Merlin is genderqueer)

Network Effect (The Murderbot Diaries #5) by Martha Wells* -   I love Murderbot, and it was a true luxury to stretch out in a full length novel. I sometimes struggled to follow the action in the novellas, because they were so fast paced you can lose track of the tread if you don't pay attention for a single page. But I didn't have that problem at all here - it was always clear what the stakes were, and the traditional non-stop action had space for breathing room, AKA snide remarks and sitcom viewing sessions. It was so great to have ART back too! The humans are always pushed backstage compared to the fun AIs, but even so I found them really engaging and enjoyable here too. Bring on the next! (Murderbot is a modified human who doesn’t identify with a gender and uses they/them pronouns)

* gifted by publisher

My own LGBT YA novel was released for Halloween! The Reckless Afterlife of Harriet Stoker is a paranormal horror about ghosts stuck in the afterlife. 

“Congratulations, new kid. Welcome to the afterlife.”

What if death is only the beginning?

When Harriet Stoker dies after falling from a balcony in a long-abandoned building, she discovers a world of ghosts with magical powers – shape-shifting, hypnosis, even the ability to possess the living.

Felix, Kasper, Rima and Leah welcome her into their world, eager to make friends with the new arrival. Yet Harriet is more interested in unleashing her own power, even if it means destroying everyone around her. But when all of eternity is at stake, the afterlife can be a dangerous place to make an enemy.

Word count: 93,000 Ages 14+  Tropes included: breaks-the-fourth-wall, closed-environment, ghosts, historical-magic, lgbtqia, magical-house, time-travel, unreliable-narrator.

Goodreads

Amazon UK

Waterstones

“A wildly original, pleasantly diverse and wickedly engaging supernatural thriller. Fans of anti-heroes, the found family trope, queer relationships, and cool mythology will enjoy this one!” – The Nerd Daily

“Dead character Harriet discovers a world of ghosts with magical powers – shape-shifting, hypnosis, even the ability to possess the living (great for fans of TV shows Upload and the Good Place)” – BookTrust

[my-lady-knight]

Favorite Reads of 2020

I take back everything I said last year about how 2019 was a comparatively bad reading year for me. 2020 was even worse. I only read 48 books, I could barely focus on reading even when I did find a book I liked, and, just like last year, I ended up with fewer favorites than usual. Starting in August I’ve been having trouble reading any written media that isn’t TOG fic. And some of my eagerly awaited releases by favorite authors ended up being disappointments (Deeplight by Frances Hardinge and Phoenix Extravagant by Yoon Ha Lee).

2020—the year that keeps on giving.

I sincerely hope 2021 will be a better year in all respects, including my reading habits, but, as with everything else, who knows.

Regardless, here’s my list of favorite reads of 2020, in chronological order of when I read them:

Network Effect by Martha Wells

I’d read the first four Murderbot Diaries novellas when they first came out and enjoyed them, but I didn’t fall head-over-heels in love with them. Maybe because they were novellas, and too short to get fully invested? Possibly. As it turns out, Network Effect is the novel-length fifth entry in the Murderbot Diaries that turned me into full-on squeeing fan—SecUnit, aka Murderbot, continues to be its delightfully acerbic, antisocial self, SPOILER makes another appearance and oh how I’d missed this character, the supporting cast is fun and endearing, and the novel-length story means there’s time and space for the brand-new corporate espionage/colonization/alien civilization murder mystery to unfold and spread its wings. (Sounds like a Sanctuary Moon plot tbh). SecUnit is possibly my favorite non-human fictional character atm, and I am now fully on-board for every and any new story in the series.

This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

When I first heard about this book and read the words “time travel romance”, I immediately went, “Nope, not gonna read.” I don’t like reading time travel stories, and honestly, I was imagining it to be something like The Time Traveler’s Wife, which granted I haven’t read but also sounds like it’d be the opposite of my cup of tea. 

And then I went to a reading where Amal and Max took turns reading chapters – letters written by Red and Blue, enemy agents who repeatedly taunt and thwart the other’s plans to ensure their side is the one to win the time war and who can’t resist smugly outlining just how they’re staying one step ahead of the other – and the prose was witty and gorgeous and clever and intricate, and Red and Blue were snarky and arrogant and talented and fun. I had to read it. And I ended up loving it, this enemies-to-lovers story that is a meld of fantasy and science fiction such that they’re indistinguishable from the other, where the past is as equally fantastical and alien and imaginary as the future, where Red and Blue’s power play transforms into something different and scarier and more intimate than either of them imagined. 

To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers

Becky Chambers has done it again, writing a gentle, hopeful story about humans working together out of a share a love and fascination for scientific exploration and wonder for all the possibilities the entirety of space can hold. With the advent of both space travel and technology that alters human physiology to allow them to survive otherwise inhospitable environments, a team of four astronauts and scientists have embarked on a mission to ecologically survey four distant planets and the life forms that inhabit them, from the microscopic to the multicellular—not to conquer, but to record and to learn and to share the gathered knowledge with the rest of Earth. In the meantime, lightyears away, Earth is going through decades without them, and the four of them must also contend with a planet that may have forgotten their existence—or that’s abandoned the entire space and scientific exploration program.

Reading Becky Chambers is the literary equivalent of sitting down with a warm mug of my favorite tea on a bad day – I always feel better at the end and like I can imagine a future where humanity does all the wonderful things we’re capable of doing.

A Song for a New Day by Sarah Pinsker

I started reading this book right as NYC was gearing up to go into lockdown, which should have made this a terrible choice to continue reading since part of the premise is that a combo of multiple stochastic terror attacks and a brand-new, deadly plague upend the world as everyone knows it by causing the U.S. to pass laws that keep people physically apart in public for their own safety and make concerts, theatre, and any other kind of artistic gathering obsolete.

But that’s largely just the set-up, and the real story is that of Luce Cannon, an up-and-coming singer-songwriter who played the last major concert in the before times who twenty years later performs in illegal underground concerts, and Rosemary, a younger music-lover who’s only lived in the after-times, and who’s taken a new job scouting out talent to add to the premier virtual entertainment company’s roster of simulated concerts.

It’s a love letter to live music and what it feels like to connect and build community via music in unusual and strange and scary times, the energy involved in making music for yourself, for an audience, exploring the world around you, imagining and advocating for a better tomorrow, and embracing the fear, the possibility, and the power of change, both good and bad. This was the book I needed to read at the beginning of the pandemic, and I’m thankful I ended up doing so.

The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2019 edited by John Joseph Adams and Carmen Maria Machado

When I end up loving half of the stories in an anthology and greatly enjoying all but two of the rest, that’s the equivalent of a literary blue moon for me. My favorites included the following;

"Pitcher Plant" by Adam-Troy Castro

"Six Hangings in the Land of Unkillable Women" by Theodore McCombs

"Variations on a Theme from Turandot" by Ada Hoffmann

"Sister Rosetta Tharpe and Memphis Minnie Sing the Stumps Down Good" by LaShawn M. Wanak

"The Kite Maker" by Brenda Peynado

"The Secret Lives of the Nine Negro Teeth of George Washington" by P. Djèlí Clark

"Dead Air" by Nino Cipri

"Skinned" by Lesley Nneka Arimah

"Godmeat" by Martin Cahill

"On the Day You Spend Forever with Your Dog" by Adam R. Shannon

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

No one is more surprised than me that Harrow is on this list, given that I am one of approximately three people in the universe who did not unequivocally love Gideon the Ninth. 

And yet the sequel worked for me. 

Maybe because this time I already knew and was used to the way the world and the Houses worked, and I knew to not take anything I read for granted because I could be guaranteed to have the rug pulled out from under me without even realizing. Maybe Harrow’s countdown/amnesia mystery worked better for me than Gideon’s locked room mystery. Maybe the cast of characters was more manageable and fewer of them were getting murdered left and right before I got a chance to get used to them (and some of them even came back!) Maybe it’s that Harrow blew open the potential and possibilities Gideon hinted at and capitalized on just how fucking weird and mind-blowing the whole premise is in a way that felt incredibly and viscerally satisfying.

Also SPOILER happens three-quarters of the way through. That was pretty fucking awesome.

Ring Shout by P. Djèlí Clark

P. Djélí Clark is a master of melding history and fantasy in ways that are in turn imaginative and clever (his fantastical alternate-history, early 20th-century Egyptian novel A Master of Djinn is one of the books I’m most looking forward to in 2021), while also using fantasy to be frank and incisive about the history of American antiblack racism (as in the above linked story in The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2019). Ring Shout combines the late-nineteenth and early 20th-century history of the rise and normalization of the KKK with Lovecraftian supernatural horror, in which the release of The Birth of a Nation summoned literal monsters (called Ku Kluxes) that became part of the KKK’s ranks. Maryse Boudreaux is a Black woman who’s part of a grassroots organization hunting both the monsters and the human members in order to keep the Klan at bay. However, there’s soon to be another summoning ritual atop Stone Mountain that will unleash even more Ku Kluxes into the world, and Maryse and her friends are running out of time to prevent it from happening.

Maryse is a fantastic character, as are her two friends—brash, unapologetic Sadie and WWI veteran, weapons expert Chef—her mentor and leader of the Ring Shout group Nana Jean, and all the other members of the group who work and fight together as a team and a family. Maryse’s past and the journey she goes on in the book to uncover the truth and stop the summoning is harrowing and heart-stopping, the supernatural elements are both horrific in and of themselves while also undergirding the real-life horror of the KKK and the hatred they engender. It’s smart, it’s fun, it’s eye-opening, and it’s also being turned into a TV show starring KiKi Layne. It’s really, really good.

The Light Brigade by Kameron Hurley

“Stick to the brief.” This is the maxim given to Dietz and all the other soldiers who join the war against Mars, where soldiers are broken down into light to travel to and from their assigned battlefields instantaneously. Only Dietz isn’t experiencing the jumps like everyone else – Dietz, like Billy Pilgrim in Slaughterhouse-Five, has become unstuck in time and is experiencing all the battles in the mission briefs out of chronological order, to the point that Dietz starts to build a picture of a war and a reality that’s been sold to Dietz and everyone else on Earth as pure fiction. 

I’ve always appreciated Kameron Hurley’s stories, but this is the first book where she fully succeeded at writing the book she set out to write—it’s fast-paced science fiction thriller in the form of a loaded gun that takes brutal aim at late-stage capitalism, modern military warfare and the dehumanization of everyone involved on all sides, the greed of ungovernable governing corporations, nationalistic and military propaganda, the mythology of citizenship and inalienable rights, and it’s viscerally bloody and violent without being grotesque in the way all of Kameron Hurley’s books are. Especially important for me, I loved that Dietz went through the entire book not being gendered in any way, shape, or form (those last five pages didn’t exist, what are you talking about), and I love in general that Kameron Hurley is committed to writing non-male characters who aren’t less violent or fucked-up or morally superior to men just because they’re not men.

Other Words for Home by Jasmine Warga

Middle grade is a hard sell for me these days, as are books in verse, and I wouldn’t have known this book existed if it weren’t for the Ignyte Award nomination list earlier this year. As it turns out, this book, the story of Jude, a pre-teen girl who wants to be an actress who leaves Syria and the encroaching civil war with her mom to go live in the U.S. with her uncle and his white wife and their daughter while her dad and older brother stay behind, is full of beauty, curiosity, humor, confusion, grief, pain, and joy, and the poetic prose is both lyrical, nuanced, and perfectly fitted to Jude’s voice. I devoured this book in one day, which is the quickest amount of time it took me to read any book this year, including novellas.

Darius the Great Deserves Better by Adib Khorram

The first book Darius the Great Is Not Okay was one of my favorite books in 2018, and I’m ecstatic that the sequel is equally as amazing.

It’s been approximately half a year since Darius went to Iran, met his maternal grandparents in person for the first time, and found his best friend in Sohrab, and in that time he’s come out as gay, joined the soccer team, got an internship at his favorite tea shop, and started dating for the first time. Darius is also working through some things though—when and if he wants to have sex with his boyfriend, his grandfather’s worsening illness, his dad’s recent depressive episode, his emotionally distant paternal grandmothers on his coming for an extended stay, the fact that he’s getting to know and growing closer with one of his teammates who’s best friends with Darius’s years-long bully, and a bunch else. 

Darius the Great Deserves Better has the same tender and vulnerable emotional intimacy as the first book, more conversations over tea, new instances involving the mortifying ordeal of being a cis guy with a penis, even more Star Trek metaphors, and so much growth for Darius as he works through a lot of hard situations and feelings, and strengthens his relationships with all of the people in his life he loves and cares about. I can’t think of any other book that’s like these two books, and I love and treasure them dearly.

The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson

I had zero awareness of this book until a bunch of SFF authors started praising it on Twitter a couple months before the release date, and I was intrigued enough to get a copy from the library. I loved this book. I happened to be reading it right at the time of the presidential election, and it phenomenally served the purpose of desperately-needed distraction from the agony of waiting out the ballot counts.

It’s book about the power behind borders, citizenship, exploitation, and imperialism, set in a late-late-stage capitalist future, in which a prodigy invented the means to access and travel to slightly divergent parallel universes to grab resources and data – but only if the other universe’s version of “you” isn’t there. It’s the story of a woman named Cara – poor, brown, born in the wastelands outside the shelter, security, and citizenship privileges of Wiley City – who’s comfortably employed to travel to all the parallel worlds no one else can visit, because all her counterparts in those worlds are dead from one of the myriad ways Cara herself could have died growing up. It’s the story of Cara traversing the muddied boundaries between her old life and her new one, the similarities and differences between her own life and that of her counterparts, as well as the figures of power who defined and shaped her and her counterparts’ existences, and solving a mystery involving the unexplained deaths of several of her counterparts and the man who invented multiverse technology.

It’s a story of the permeability of selfhood and self-determination, and complexity of power dynamics of all kinds – interpersonal, familial, collegial, intimate – and the interplay between violence and stability and identity, and how one can be both powerful and powerless in the same dynamic. It’s a story with literary sensibilities that is unequivocally science fiction, written with laser-precise prose that flays Cara open and puts her back together again.

I worry this description makes this book sound dry and removed when reading this book made me feel like I was coming alive every time I delved back into it. This is a book I cannot wait to reread again to experience the brilliance and skill and thoughtfulness and emotion of Micaiah Johnson’s writing. I have no clue what, if anything, she’s writing next, but I have a new favorite author.

Honorable Mentions

Catfishing on CatNet by Naomi Kritzer

With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo

Stormsong by C. L. Polk

The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin

Sisters of the Vast Black by Lina Rather

Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh

The Haunting of Tram Car 015 by P. Djèlí Clark

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke (I feel bad putting it here and not in the first list – it is undeniably a modern classic and a brilliantly crafted book! But I had zero interest in any of the Italy chapters, and I found the way he finally figured out how to access fairy magic by essentially making himself mad to be both disappointing and narratively unsatisfying.)

War Girls by Tochi Onyebuchi

For my yearly stats on books written by POC authors, in 2020 I read a total of 24 books (one of which was co-authored by a white author), which is fewer than last year (30). However, because I also read fewer books this year overall, this is the first year ever that I achieved exactly 50-50 parity between books written by POC and white authors. I honestly wasn’t expecting this to happen, as I stopped paying deliberate attention somewhere around April or May. Looking over my Goodreads, the month of September ended up doing a lot of heavy lifting, since that’s when I read several books by POC authors in a row for the Ignyte Award nomination period. But also, it does look like the five or so years of purposefully aiming for 50-50 parity have materially affected my reading habits, by which I mean even when I’m not keeping my year’s count in mind, I’m still more likely to pick up a book by a POC author than I was five years ago when I had never kept track at all. My goal for next year is to once again achieve 50-50 parity and to not backslide.

[consoleout]

Frozen Moment [Rinch fic]

Hey guys this is my first fic ever so I hope it’s not too awful! I do know it’s cheesy and a bit dramatic, but both are sort of on purpose. =) It’s 7:07 AM and I last slept over 24+ hrs ago, there might be some grammar issues! Have a great time!

It’s Rinch / John Reese x Harold Finch and I would tag it with PTSD/CPTSD, Flashbacks, Hurt & Comfort, First I Love You, and idk if this exists but Comfort Without (much) Plot. 

I hope this helps and thank you! If you read it please let me know what you think of it if you would be willing.

"I love you, John." Finch's voice was so sweet and calming as it settled into John's shattering mind.

Four words. Four words was all it took for John to fall apart like he was a newborn child with no emotional control. They'd been through so much - John hadn't known if he would live, Finch hadn't been entirely sure he himself would either, and even if it had been so long since the incident in question his brain was surging with the adrenaline as if he'd just stepped into it to do it a second time. Not that he wouldn't - John was always ready to lay his life down for Finch. It was an unavoidable and uncomfortable truth now, he might as well have aired it because his action (one he was sure he wouldn't still be here to question) was meant to be the end-all. The end-all to the fighting, both with the forces of evil that drawled from their lips unstoppingly in person, and the force of evil that drawled from its lips unstoppingly in his brain. 

End-all. No more problems if you weren't alive to have any. That was what John had been more than ready for; and now he'd lived, and he'd lived long enough that he'd tricked poor, dear Finch into believing that John was somehow deserving of anything other than abandonment and disdain from him. He mulled over that in the seconds that lasted longer than time would've permitted. Poor, dear Finch; he couldn't drop that word if he tried anymore. He was alive, and he didn't even know what to do with that. His mind was distracting him, pulling him away from what was on hand. He knew he was dissociating from the moment, but he couldn't focus his eyes, and he felt trapped in his head. He deserved to die. It echoed in his head, surrounded him tighter than Finch's words could reach in the precarious moment. He'd deserved to die before he met Finch, and Finch had been the one to see some purpose in him, and his fate hadn't changed because he still deserved to die even if he'd lived.

Pathetic, his mind quipped at him. It cut him like a knife and he felt his chest sear with a familiar pain. He was so good at hiding how he felt that it had become a dull ache until now. Never again was he supposed to hear the words Finch had said. He thought of friendships long lost and the lovers who he'd endangered. He thought of Jessica. He thought of Carter. He thought of Root. Countless deaths and countless backstabbings all within the fraction of a second's time. There were so many names that he thought of, and one was far too many for his liking already. If he replied now, if he was honest with himself, he'd inevitably put Finch into danger's path no matter what he said unless he lied. What if this was all some sick joke and Finch hated him, really truly hated his guts? What if this was life, painfully paying him back the karma he owed in one fell swoop? He figured that since he'd lived past a missile, he'd accrued significant karmic debt; not that he particularly believed in karma, but with the recent events it was hard not to consider the existence of a supernatural power. He could say it wasn't every day someone lived with what he'd endured, but it didn't pay justice to the miracle with the way people used that phrase.

As this occurred, Finch watched John flinch and freeze in place like a bambi. An expression John had made many times before - Finch was familiar with the expressions John made when he was met with one of his very rare triggers. They seemed to be connected to emotions and identity rather than physical touch or dangerous situations, Finch had noted previously. He was trembling, and it was all he could do to hold back from slipping into the same thought process himself. He didn't know if he could say it again if it went unanswered. Finch was about to gasp, feeling as if the world around him would fall---

Kara. The name seemed to stick like a glue inside of Reese's brain. It kept him from saying those words back, as much as he wanted to. That cursed, damned name kept him from doing anything at all, and it kept him trapped in the current Hell that was his brain. It felt like he would die again right here from the memories that were twining away like clockwork inside of him. He didn't feel real anymore, and everything had begun to have a dream-like feeling. Was he floating? He didn't know, but his own brain continued to usurp any and all possibilities to move and confirm that he was not. Who was John, really, if he was known to Finch as Reese? The name didn't hold the word love in its incarnation, and yet that was what the killer, the weapon John Reese, felt for the man Harold Finch. It was like a bad comedy except that he was living it, and that there was nothing that a crowd would ever laugh at if they saw Reese's journey through the eyes of John Reese.

John deserved to be rejected, so it was obvious he would be! Nobody ever had him back. Nobody, he'd never had anyone who did and stayed or lived. He wasn't allowed a happy ending. His family didn't have him, his ex-partners didn't have him, and even his own life didn't currently have him. His mind was on a vicious, programmed tirade to end this bubbling of hope that threatened to shatter his deer-in-headlights appearance. It, however, was rising and swelling inside of him the more that his mind drifted to Finch, and would leave the barest mist on the words Finch had just laid into the air with a relentless pursue.  

Love. What a precarious thing, John thought. Maybe he and Finch could be happy together if he would just find a little place to stay down, like a dog with its tail between its legs. It wasn't the most moral thing, but it was his chance. Or he could continue like this, say nothing, leave Finch hanging and protect him from the monster that was Reese and his burden of feelings- No! John replied back to the thought internally. Finch had promised not to lie to John. And now Finch was standing in front of him, alive, well enough, and telling him the words that John had wanted to hear for longer than he'd cared to count. Backing down and giving in to the thoughts would leave him alone and yearning for the rest of his presumably shortened life.

This was his opportunity. He couldn't calculate or plan what happened next, he needed to act right there in the moment. It felt impossible and every cell in his body fought against it, but John finally snapped out of it. Thirty seconds was all it took from him to be locked in Hell for what felt like an eternity's share in memories that he never asked for. He choked on his words, stammering as he reached a hand out feebly towards Finch. Longing, searching for a comfort that he had to be afforded to progress. "I, I- I-" was all he could manage, the lump in his throat and the locks on his legs robbing his reply from him.

Patience was what Finch thought of in this moment, stifling his gasp as John's hand reached out to him. It reached out only a small amount, but Finch took the gracious opportunity that John has provided to him to gingerly wrap his fingers around John's hand. It felt like Finch would shatter like glass; John was colder than ice. He was sure each digit would begin turning blue if John's flashbacks continued, and could only muster the strength to tighten his grip just slightly and whimper as he stared at him. This wasn't a field that Finch was familiar in assisting others with; social cues weren't his strong suite, and he'd never felt more useless than he did in the present.

John's desperate gaze pierced Harold deep in his soul, and something in Harold let itself loose. He wrapped his arms around John, embracing him in a protecting, sincere, loving hug. In any other situation that John would act this way, he would have been too scared of the reaction to follow even if he knew it wasn't one that John did on purpose. This time, it felt different. John was searching for his touch; no matter how scared of this entire display Harold was, it was nothing compared to the urge to hold John and comfort away his pain in the fleeting time they shared. Not after everything they'd been through, which was still a fresh ache to him.

John felt himself settle, his mind quieting the second that Harold had wrapped his arms around him. He felt at home in this embrace, and everything right now was too much, but somehow he still found himself craving the touch he was gifted. He wrapped his arms around Harold, hiding his head pathetically on the other man's shoulder as a weep racked his body. His hands settled on Harold's upper back and splayed out, touching as much of Harold's back that he could possibly get to. He closed their distance, in no state to argue about any of the semantics that such an embrace implied.

Harold stood there for a moment, just holding John in his arms and whispering "It's alright, you're right here, it's alright. oh, it's alright now," over and over. He could feel John's weight increasing on him and, to avoid causing either of them undue duress, he sank to the floor with John clinging to him for dear life. He didn't particularly mind, and his left hand raised to John's head to brush his beautiful hair while he stroked his back methodically, his grip gentle and lasting. He wanted it to be alright, willed it into existence as he repeated it over and over. He would make it alright through any means necesssary if John would be okay. If this meant sitting on the floor with John in his arms, then that was the current meaning of love. He could only hope the display wasn't making John even more uncomfortable.

John's sobbing slowly stopped as he was soothed. Although his breathing was still ragged and his mind was still swimming, he began to calm down in the embrace of Harold. After sitting there and being comforted for what felt like a lifetime, John mustered up the courage to reply. He'd break through this programming, John Reese was going to be a loving killer weapon from this day forward and everyone who disagreed with this sentiment could be damned. He steadied himself and turned his head, his words soft and wavering with anxiety as he replied,

"I love you too."

[bunnymcbunnister]

SPN Season 15 Spoiler Sheet, update 11/11

Hello! I finally had some time to clean this up a bit. I am going to make a separate post about old episodes if anyone wants to reference the past. I also pulled out some general spoilers that have already happened to keep this shorter. It’s getting to be a monster with length. 

As for updates, we got some nuggets from Jensen and Misha while promoting their latest projects. No pictures yet for ep 5 because of the holiday. Also no description for 7 yet because there will be a week off for Thanksgiving. Hopefully JaxCon will have some juicy updates like DC did. Under the cut!

DISCLAIMER: This is gathered info from various sources. This is not confirmed information. Stuff in this WILL be wrong. Don’t take this too seriously. This is for fun. 

General Info (oldest to newest)

There is hope to wrap up some Wayward Daughters storylines in the back half of the season

They are adding a whole extra day to filming to do the final scene. They will film the final scene last.  (Implies logistics- lots of returning people?)

Brad Bucker used the word “romance” when asked about Sam and Dean’s arcs. Did not specify who. 

In an interview, Kripe indicated that the series ending would have “peace” for Sam and Dean

Not much new at the TCA’s, but it was said it is “unlikely” Jeffery Dean Morgan will be back since his last appearance was such a good end note. There were some jokes about a Castiel spin off. Hell, I’d watch. 

There will be a special tribute ep, not clear if its one of the 20 or additional

Misha will be in 15 out of 20 episodes this season

According to Dabb, Sam and Dean are going to start to lose people who, in past seasons, we would’ve never lost — and lose them in a very real way. Our guys are going to realize there’s a certain finality, and some of the things they’ve relied on to get through the day — people, talents, things like that — they are no longer going to be able to roll out. And that’s going to throw them for a loop

Also according to Dabb, Jack is still in the empty and “he’s not coming back in the near future”

Cas’ deal with the Empty may come up later in the season. 

Dabb intimated that Chuck was inherently responsible for killing Mary when asked how the boys would respond to Jack. 

Adam Rose, who played Aaron Bass from the golem episode vauge-tweeted about working a show with two badass leads. Could be Supernatural, but I think the timing is off- he indicated he was filming late Friday night. 

Dabb compared Chuck and John Winchester, claiming that Dean would have to break free of “conditioning.” Also, for Jack “there have been cosmic forces fighting for his attention since he was in the womb — and that will continue. As much as this season is about Sam and Dean finding agency, it’s also about Castiel finding agency, and it’s about Jack finding agency. As always, death is never the end. It’s just part of the journey and that’s certainly true with Jack.” 

Per Variety: At the outset of the season, the “Supernatural” foursome of Dean, Sam, Castiel and Jack are split up, but Dabb notes they won’t be for long because “ultimately this is a found family, and they have deep emotional bonds” that make up the most important part of the show.

Sam’s wound from the equalizer gives his powers/an advantage of some kind (per TVGuide)

Jack will be a critical part of the ending of the show

The cage/Adam is looking like it will be coming up for midseason

Shaving People, Punting Things: https://youtu.be/azTwku2uosA

The shaving promo, punting things promo shows glimpses or Lucifer!Sam and MOC!Dean, as well as bearded Dean in tactical equipment. Recent interviews by Dabb seem to indicate that these are glimpses into other universes, a la Apocalypse World, and other endings from Sam and Dean. 

According to the MarySue and other interviews, Sam’s bullet hole will give him a connection and insight to god- like a tin can telephone string.

In the cage, Micheal and Adam have formed a working relationship (MarySue)

Dean and Amara’s connection will be explored

There will be a bunker themed episode (MarySue)

According to Misha (Cinablend) Dean and Cas will have discord up to ep 8- which is the mid-season finale. 

At a convention, Jake Abel was asked to share two lies about Adam’s return and a truth. The said 1. Adam is not upset about hell 2. Adam kills someone 3. Adam bring someone back. I am assuming its the bring someone back (Micheal?)

In one of his cookbook interviews, Misha used the word “we” several times when talking about the final scene of Supernatural. He said that would be the last scene they shoot. It seemed to imply that he was in the scene, but that could be open to interpretation. 

The finale will air on Monday May 18th. The show will move to Mondays when it comes back on March 16th. It’s gotta come back either than that and go on a mini break or something, because that is not enough Mondays. 

Episode 15x05

Title: Proverbs 17:3

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: RICHARD SPEIGHT, JR. DIRECTS – Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean’s (Jensen Ackles) routine case turns out to be anything but. Richard Speight, Jr. directed the episode written by Steve Yockey (#1505). Original Airdate 11/14/2019.

Written by: Yockey

Director: Speight

Filming Dates:  9/4-9/13

Airdate: 11/14

Photos: http://www.ksitetv.com/supernatural/supernatural-spoilers-photos-proverbs-17-3/198575/

Promo:https://youtu.be/4Jo1--7WqHA

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? No  Jack? doubtful

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info::

This will most likely be Yockey’s last episode.

Matt Cohen was around, but I imagine he is following directors to prep for his own debut directing. 

Scenes were filmed in the bunker and in a wooded area. A woman could be heard screaming in the outside scene. 

The bible verse referenced is: “The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold: But the LORD trieth the hearts.”

The preview indicates werewolves. 

Episode 15x06

Title: Golden Time

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: OUT OF DIFFICULTIES GROW MIRACLES – Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) are visited by an old friend. Castiel (Misha Collins) investigates the disappearance of a local teen. John Showalter directed the episode written by Meredith Glynn (#1506). Original Airdate 11/21/2019.

Written by: Meredith Glynn

Director: Steve Boyum

Filming Dates:  9/16-9/25

Airdate: 11/21

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? Yes Jack? Not sure

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info:

Misha tweeted from set in costume, so Cas. 

Misha also tweeted a pic in blood spatter with two bullet holes in his shirt

At least Jensen and Jared filmed in Rowena’s apartment 

This will be a witch episode- Witches will invade Rowena’s apartment looking for books. They are very powerful. Dean gets thrown into a wall and Sam uses magic to stop them (from TVGuide)

 Episode 15x07

Title: Last Call

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Jeremy Adams

Director: Amyn Kaderali

Filming Dates:  9/26- 10/7

Airdate: Dec 7th is what Christian Kane tweeted…. But that is a Saturday. Dec 5th maybe?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? Yes Jack ? 

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info :

Misha posted from set in new shoes- very shiny with well tailored pants. (The next day he posted in full Cas costume, so are the shoes a one off? Another outfit with new shoes?). 

Misha and Jensen made a video from set. I feel like if Jared was around he would have been in it since it was about money raised?  Maybe a Dean Cas scene?

There will be a battle scene in this that Jensen mentioned he was looking forward to and we would enjoy. 

After NJ Con, it appeared that Jensen returned to work, Jared and Misha stayed an extra day and then Misha went home. Misha only did about 2 days of filming. 

Jensen and Christian filmed at a bar called Swazey’s. This was the fight scene Jensen was referring to. 

At some point, Sam might be shirtless or we can see part of his chest- Jared had his anti-possession tattoo at the weekend convention.

Per TVGuide, Leo and Dean will have a wild night out in an effort for Dean to recapture his mojo. Dean will become the lead of a band called Dean and the Impalas, which is made up of Supernatural crew. 

Osric Chau popped over to set, but he is filming on Legends of Tomorrow in the same studio. Sebastin Roche also indicated he would come by, he is filming on Batgirl. Unfortunately, neither Kevin or Balthazar will appear in this one.  

Episode 15x08

Title: Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Buckleming

Director: Speight

Filming Dates:  10/8- 10/18 (no filming 10/14 for Canadian Thanksgiving)

Airdate: 12/12 (?)

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? yes Jack ? 

Guest stars: Jake Abel, Shoshannah Stern

Other Spoilers/info:

Jake Abel posted a script with the caption “hell hath no fury like a brother scorned”

Shoshannah Stern was spotted on set- Eileen!

This will be the midseason finale

At BurCon, Misha mentioned Dean is still acting like “a dick” in the ep they were filming- which is this one. 

Episode 15x09

Title: 

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Berens

Director: Singer

Filming Dates:  10/21-10/30

Airdate: March 16th?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? I can’t tell but maybe not Jack ? maybe

Guest stars: Rob Benedict, Kim Rhodes, Jim Beaver

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Midseason premier episode

Misha was at home for the first week of filming, and I think the second. I don’t think he is in this. 

Alex and Rob were hanging out- Chuck and JACK?

Kim Rhodes posted in front of the SPN set and with her trailer- Jody looks very likely. She also had dyed hair and she has been rockin the grey for the past few Jody eps. Maybe a flashback/AU?

Jim Beaver posted from set- Bobby!

Jensen shared that in this episode, Dean will pray to Cas to “confess” why he has been treating Cas the way he has. Misha confirmed this in another interview and said tears would be shed- not sure who is doing the crying (besides me)

Episode 15x10

Title: 

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Dabb

Director: Showalter

Filming Dates:  

Airdate: 10/31- 11/12 (No filming for Veterans/Armistice Day?)

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? Jack ? 

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Misha texted some local fans from set in costume about an WA election, but after the convention was promoting his cookbook all over the place. I think he filmed 2 days, max. 

The story will be about Sam and Dean as heroes from the good and bad side (from MarySue)

At DCCon, Jensen shared that  this a bit of a wacky episode- Sam and Dean lose their abilities to fight, Dean gets cavities and Sam gets a cold. Jensen later seemed to refer to this ep when talking to TVGuide- mentioning the Impala will get a flat. 

Episode 15x11

Title: 

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Davy Perez AND Meredith Glynn 

Director: Charles Beeson

Filming Dates:   11/13-11/22 (?)

Airdate: 

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? Jack ? 

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

[mittensmorgul]

10.07: Girls, Girls, Girls.

ROWENA! At the very beginning of her long, long journey. And :') she has come so far now. Imagine coming from this, and now she's practically a Winchester.

I also love this, because it apparently takes place immediately after 10.06, as they're driving back to the bunker from Connecticut and they detour to this town just so Dean can meet up with the first woman who apparently responded to his dating website profile. Since we've literally never seen him use this app before or since, I've always assumed he HAD installed it because he was looking into those cattle deaths and caught wind of the "demonic brothel" operating in town... because he wasn't so much surprised as disappointed when Shalene turned out to be trading sex for souls. But even more importantly, NEITHER WAS SAM. They just moved on from that without Sam ever ONCE teasing him for being so gullible as to fall for that scam, you know? He may have done so BEFORE they met up with Shalene, and this seems like the kind of thing that Sam would've absolutely used for taunting purposes throughout the episode if he'd actually been in the dark about the hunt from the start. So... logic dictates it was their plan from the start.

The other interesting thing about this episode is the whole concept of Raul's Girls. I mean, we're talking about DEMONS here, who literally can possess whatever body they want. And yet the demons themselves choose not to possess the hookers, but the pimps. They only acted as middle men, having to step in just to sign the contract and then let the human women do the deed. And honestly? WHY wouldn't they just possess the women themselves and save the hassle of having to manage all these women? I mean, to do a crossroads deal, demons just need to seal the bargain with a kiss. They wouldn't have needed to "pause the action" just to bring in some mook in a suit with a stack of legal paperwork to sign. Just... tempt the john into sealing the deal on the spot without having to go through all that other distraction. I wonder how many dudes just decided at that point it wasn't worth waiting around for some other idiot to witness their shame, you know? How desperate for sex would you have to be to sit there waiting for a girl's pimp to come by and kill the mood with legal documents? Tres unsexy, if you ask me. But in the end, Raul and his demon flunkies weren't willing to do the actual deed themselves. They couldn't even convince any of their friends to possess the hookers, you know? Kinda... sad, really. Which makes me 10000000x more in love with Rowena and the mission she chose in killing these particular demons. :P

Unfortunately, Rowena ends up showing just as much disdain for her new friends as Raul did, literally using them as attack dogs to make her escape, knowing the girls would fight for her until her spell burned them up and left them dead...

So much manipulation.

On the other side of the story, we have Hannah's journey with Cas. They're apparently making progress on returning the rogue angels to Heaven, and she's becoming more comfortable in her human vessel-- until she's confronted by her vessel's husband and feels the truly human anguish over what Hannah says and does with her body to convince her husband that she doesn't want him anymore. I mean... it's horrific, and she's overwhelmed and actually experiences doubt in the righteousness of her mission for the first time.

Cas compares her anguish to his over having taken Jimmy's vessel from his family, TWICE. But their situations are in no way comparable, imho. Hannah is CHOOSING this mission. The fate of the world doesn't depend on her rounding up these few angels who are intent on experiencing humanity for themselves. She believes they should all willingly return to heaven and resume their roles as they always had, but so many angels and their human vessels have died rather than return, and she's only now beginning to wonder if she might be pursuing the wrong mission... even though Cas has come onboard with helping her with it. Because Cas still hasn't begun to understood that there's something for him to live for outside of his own chosen mission. At least he has experienced true free will for himself, in his very own body and not a human vessel occupied by a separate human soul. But he's still struggling with what his mission should be, because he also knows he has a limited time left before his second dose of stolen grace will begin to fade and burn out again. He's not yet living for the future, you know? He believes he's living on borrowed time. Which will prompt his first chosen "solo mission," to attempt to at least ensure Claire's future security after what he'd done to her father. And I LOVE this whole entire arc for him.

Just as Hannah left Caroline to go back to her husband to make things right (and heck how do you even begin explaining the truth there?), Cas chooses to do what little he can to make things right for Jimmy's family, even though Jimmy himself is more than six years dead at this point. He might not be able to return Jimmy to them, but he can do whatever he has in his power to at least check in with them and do right by his original vessel's loved ones. It's a promise too long broken, and he can at least make that right before he dies.

HANNAH: It's hard letting go... of a story, a mission. But what of the humans whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission? CASTIEL: What of them? HANNAH: We always said the humans were our original mission. Maybe it's time, Castiel -- time to put them first. CASTIEL: Where is all this coming from? HANNAH: Being on earth, working with you, I've felt things. Human things -- passions, hungers. To shower, feel water on my skin... to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him. Her husband -- his anger and his grief. And Caroline was inside of me, screaming out for him, for her life back. These f-feelings, they aren't for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it's time to step aside. [Hannah smiles, leans forward and kisses Castiel on the cheek. Castiel nods.] Goodbye, Castiel.

Because Cas is only beginning to recognize that within him, in this body built at least three times over JUST FOR HIM, at this point, he feels both the Human Things and the Angelic Mission, but there's no separating out the two. They are ALL HIS OWN FEELINGS. And he's been trying to force himself to be the angel only, taking stolen grace and pushing aside his own human emotions and desires, convincing himself the mission comes first and everything else can be ignored. Until he can't anymore. And his first step is going to look for the Novaks. (the rest of his human feelings are still far too dangerous for him to even ponder yet)

And ugh ugh ugh, nobody likes Cole, but we can't deny his role in this episode. If only it had been played by anyone else >.>. But he is a representative of Dean's own past come back to haunt him, and Dean has no choice other than to address it with real words. Not like he did as an unfeeling demon, but after he's been partly cured of his supernatural ills (still got the mark, after all). But his entire conversation with Cole functions as a conversation with his own younger self-- driven by a "mission" for revenge, lacking so many crucial facts, and possibly bungling things he couldn't even BEGIN to understand at the time because of his single-minded focus on his mission.

Yes, this also serves as a reflection on Cas's current state, as well, because how often have angelic Orders and his Mission been justification for his lack of understanding of the bigger picture? "Have Faith" and "the mission is just because it comes from Heaven" were catch-alls to cover what he didn't know, and what he didn't know ended up hurting them all (but also ended up becoming the foundation for them gradually understanding the bigger picture on every level of the story, and through every turn of the narrative spiral).

So Cole stumbled over Dean about to take down Rowena in her first full episode, and at the time it was like GODDAMMIT YOU MORON NOW SHE GOT AWAY! But now? After 37 episodes of watching her character bloom like a rose, watching her journey from pure adversary to trusted family? I have to grudgingly give Cole this one... this one turned out for the best.

But it also gave us Dean saying things for Sam to hear, probably for the first time. He may have been saying these words to Cole, but they were at least as much for Sam, standing directly behind Cole and watching this scenario play out. Their issues since 9.01 had revolved around broken trust, and Sam's belief that Dean only cared about himself, so:

DEAN: Cole, hey, right here. We're talking, okay? COLE: How can I believe you, huh? {shouts] How can I believe you?! My whole life, I've been... DEAN: I get it. That was your story. Look, man, I got one of those, too. Okay, but those stories that we tell to keep us going? Man, sometimes they blind us. They take us to dark places --the kind of place where I might beat the crap out of a good man just for the fun of it. The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. Cole, once you touch that darkness... It never goes away. Now, the truth is... I'm past saving. I know how my story ends. It's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun. So, the question is, is that gonna be today?That gonna be that gun?

And dang if you can't just put Cole's words into Sam's mouth here... and this is effectively Dean explaining to Sam that yes, he does understand that feeling Sam's told him he's had since he was a child, that "impurity" he's told Dean about for years having been tained by demon blood as a baby and never feeling like he could truly be clean, truly be the hero. Now Dean understands exactly what that burned felt like, and Sam can't deny it anymore. Sam, who relies on common experience to truly make a connection with others (as the narrative emblem of sympathy), now finally understands this aspect of Dean on a level he never could've before Dean actually said it out loud like this. And Dean (as the narrative emblem of empathy) knew Sam needed to hear it stated this plainly, and finally stopped shying away from actually manning up and saying it.

I'm gonna call it progress.

[hopoo]

DEADBOLT Q&A

I tried to answer every question as honestly as I could, so I hope this is a good read. If your question isn’t there, it’s either identical to another one asked or joined together with another question. Cheers!

Q: In total, how much time does the campaign of Deadbolt span? It’s hard to tell, what with it being infinite nighttime and all.

A: I would imagine a month-ish. It is implied that the Candles are doing some sort of investigative work between missions, which would surely take some time. Q: Did you have any major inspirations for the visual design of DEADBOLT? A: John Wick is obviously the biggest one! Q: What would hopoo do if someone made a game completely based and inspired from Deadbolt and its… Concept? (with permission and not) A: There’s no way DEADBOLT is that unique in settings or thematics – ultimately, you know what’s right and what’s wrong when you’re inspired by a work, and so will everyone else! If you feel obligated to ask for permission, maybe you’re not exploring enough original ideas? Q: When will we get modding? if so could we get a simplified modding kit? Any plans for updating dedbort, even just the map editor? Feature for adding custom sprites, rotation tool, copypasta tool, just to name a few… A: So the thing with that is that the map editor is only half the equation – while the map editor may be writing stuff to files, it also has to be interpreted on the end by the DEADBOLT game itself. Therefore, adding features that aren’t supported in engine simply won’t work – it won’t know what youre talking about. While rotation is supported in the engine, it doesn’t know how to read that from the files, etc. I also am trying to avoid any legacy issues where old maps are required for old versions of DEADBOLT, or vice versa. Q: When is deadbolt 2 coming with werewolves and mummies A: Werewolves aren’t undead you dingus. But mummies could be cool.

Q: Will the stuff that came with the release of Deadbolt on Play Station, will be added on PC? A: Nope, that was sorta our deal-sweetener for getting on the Sony consoles. Q: Will we ever see expansion levels for Deadbolt or would we get Deadbolt 2 instead? A: DEADBOLT 2 maybe sometime

Q: Does Ibzan is gay? A: I haven’t really thought of the sexual orientation of any of the characters, and I definitely don’t want to pull a JK Rowling and retroactively assign them. So in terms of canon, that just hasn’t been explored.

Q: Would you prefer deadbolt 2 to be in 3d and 2d? Would you do a sequel? A: DEADBOLT is probably the narrowest design space I’ve worked with – there’s no dodging, insta death, insta travel attacks. By the end I felt very stretched out in terms of enemy design, and for that alone I’d think 3D. But hey, I may also just hate 3D by the end of RoR2 so who knows :^). I’d love to do a sequel one day, most likely from the perspective of Ibzan. But who knows! Q: Did Ibzan want to kill the Fire, or just try to reconcile with it? A: He just wanted to talk – but who knows what would’ve happened after the Fireplace rejected him? Q: Would you be interested in going back to the world of deadbolt sometime in the future? I remember hearing somewhere a 3D concept would be interesting to work on. A: I wish I was talented or driven enough to write comics for it – I think DEADBOLT is more about the stories of individuals, compared to RoR who is a story of the universe. I wrote the Cassette Tapes to reflect that. Q: Looking back, is there anything you’d change about Deadbolt? A: Hmmm… I just wish I somehow could expand more on the lore and gangs, and what their goals were. Gameplay-wise, it was a tad too short. I liked doing a few standard stages, and then a mix-up stage (sniper, trap, boss, etc) – maybe we could’ve fit in a few more rotations. Q: What’s your favourite loadout? A: Death/Taxes and Flashbang, like a scrub. Q: Would you ever be interested in restarting the asset suggestion thread A: I consider DEADBOLT to be done – as a 2 (now 3!) man team, we financially can’t do the games-as-a-service thing like most big companies can for smaller games like DEADBOLT. I also intended DEADBOLT to be a one-and-done thing as a contrast for Risk of Rain, which we updated for years after release.

=CONTROVERSIAL OPINION ALERT= I personally also think that EVERY game getting a bunch of DLCS and updates and patches for a long time is, in a way, exhausting as a player. I think it makes it hard to feel satisfied when you finished a game and it’s over and you feel completed in the journey, knowing it’s not ~technically~ over until the devs stop patching. I think it’s great for some games (mostly multiplayer-based ones), but some games you just gotta let… finish, on a good note. Semi-open ended endings are always unsatisfying, in my opinion, and so recently it just feels like you don’t ever complete a game. …On the flip side, we are planning on doing lots of post-launch support for RoR2 because it’s actually inline with our design goals, so don’t fret! Q: Will bugs like Scythe not having a cover sprite or some enemies not having a falling sprite (which causes the game to crash) be fixed? A: Which enemies have been missing a falling sprite? They should be resorting to idle, not crashing. Bosses? Q: Just wanted to say, you guys are my favorite games studio, hands down. Now for the question: Now that the Reaper has completed his task and is allowed to rest, what’s next? Is the Fireplace going to keep him resting for a while? Does our MC have another task to accomplish? A: The Fireplace has never let a reaper “rest” before - the reason he is allowed to rest is because Ibzan never got to, and the Fireplace is trying something different with you. This is unexplored territory for the both of them – presumably he just pets his cat and gets bored before getting back to work. Q: What happens to everyone else in the afterlife? A: People who aren’t in the Place? Who knows, and who cares about boring happy afterlife 😊 Q: I had a question about the lore. There’s mentions of places outside the city, across the river Styx. What are they and what are they like? A: The Styx connects the other realms together, including (presumably) wherever the demons came from. This is explored lightly in one of the demon cassette tapes. Q: Will you ever expand more on the world of deadbolt or are you 100% done with it at this point? A: Nope definitely not done, really wanna explore more one day Q: What’s your office address? For post and stuff, maybe I want to send you a box full of A4 sheets of paper with a thousand hoopters on each. A: Maybe this is the paranoia in me but I’m not comfortable posting my address online – you can just tweet it at me a thousand times instead Q: Did Ibzan think the flames would give warmth to the Dredged or was he just lying to them and using them for his own gain? A: He was lying to himself, but he did truly believe that this was going to work, because this (at the time, anyways) seemed like the only way out. Metaphor woawoawo Q: Could you add some sorta DEADBOLT reference into RoR2?  Will the Reaper be playable in Risk of Rain 2 as a bonus? A: Definitely references happening in some form, but playable might be stretchin’ it a bit, especially since it’d be taking up the slot of some more in-universe secret character. Q: How excited are for RoR2? A: Honestly very nervous for the reception, with very big shoes to fill as a sequel for RoR. I just hope people like it, and that we don’t get burnt on 3D because there’s so many possibilities in the future for our games in 3D. Q: How are the Demons born? We know they’re made in birthing chambers, but then is it just like humans or is there anything specific needed for a demon to be born f.e. skeletons>suicide, zombies>overdose, etc. A: Demons aren’t undead and don’t naturally exist in the Place, which is why they have to be smuggled over – they exist in whatever version of hell is in the DEADBOLT universe, and are natural denizens of the underworld. Q: was izban hot before he died? A: The hottest Q: do all the nightclubs canonically have chris c. as the dj A: Yes Q: I love Deadbolt very dearly and i’ve listened to its soundtrack (particularly “Now I Am Become Death”) more times than i can remember. What’s your favourite tune from Deadbolt ? A: Defunktorum or The Proverbial Dust Biters Q: In the Hardmode Cassette Tape it talked about a Reaper that wasn`t the current Reaper that we play as in the Game. Was this Reaper Izban? Since in the tape, he talked about the fireplace as his friend and that could be why he wanted to go back to the fireplace through the portal at the end of the game, to revisit his friend. A: Yes yes and yes. This was most heavily implied in Ibzan’s “home”, which parallel yours. Q: Will RoR2 still have opportunities to create silly messy builds like covering the screen in missiles or releasing an endless stream of Thqwibs? If so, how are you working to mitigate the performance impact of those crazy builds? A: Yep! Currently we have a system that detects the average particle count in a scene and slowly adds a chance non-important effects (like hitsparks or impacts) don’t ever spawn. This will at some point also involve turning off expensive effects and reducing particle LODs. Q: I really love the attention to detail to the characters, environment, aesthetics and gameplay mechanics. Its themes on the criminal underworld and the supernatural give a unique identity in a high-octane/stealth pixel action game I have not seen before. Additionally what prompted or inspired you to make DEADBOLT in the first place? A: DEADBOLT in its entirety was supposed to be not-Risk of Rain. It’s a gorey, violent, moody singleplayer puzzle-stealth game. We were just burnt out from the Risk of Rain experience, and we also wanted to flex our design muscles a bit and show that hey, we’re not just a one-trick pony of gamedevelopment :^) Q: I just played through this game on PS4/Vita over the weekend. Huge fan of Risk of Rain. Even bought it through Limited Run Games. So I had to pick up Deadbolt (Didn’t previously know you had made it either.) and I love it. Its a super solid experience. I’m not sure I have any questions about it. I guess I was curious if co-op multiplayer was ever considered in development? Keep up the great work. Can’t wait to see what you guys make next. A: Nope, because of the reasons above – we wanted a single player game, since RoR was a multiplayer one. Q: First of all, congratulations!! I really loved the game since came out, I bought it for my birthday, since risk of rain made me fell in love with all the pixel art in it, deadbolt didn’t disappointed me!! Everything in it I love it! Thanks for the game!! Now the question You already answered about how the skeletons or vampires came to be in that Place, how the vampires are killed by their lovers, but, how a reaper, becomes to be a reaper? I mean a candle said “I’ve never been so close to one” A: Originally, the reapers were actually supposed to be from suicides – if I remember right, the reaper when going down the stairs to the docks still has the hole in the back of his head in his sprite. Currently, it’s not explored how a reaper is made – I think a bit of mystery is always needed in making a believable universe J Q: Lorewise how many reapers are there total? Why are they incredibly fragile compared to the undead? What makes the reapers not undead? A: IIRC there were 4 fireplaces in the final stage, which was supposed to represent the way the fireplace was communicating to all reapers in the field. Q: Do you like turtles? How about corgis? A: Yes, and yes (although there’s way too many in Seattle now). Q: Did you have any idea Chris would break out a whole band’s worth of musicians for the soundtrack? His work was superb and the OST remains my absolute favorite to this day. A: DEADBOLT OST was actually done with many people – it must be in the credits somewhere! If I remember right, there is at least a drummer and a musician.

Thanks for all the questions, and happy hunting :)

hopoo

[wayneooverton]

10 day hikes in New Zealand that are better than Roys Peak

I have a confession to make: When I first moved to New Zealand, I wanted to go to Wanaka specifically for Roy’s Peak.

I had seen the photos on social media of the turquoise blue lake cradling the tiny mounds of islands, surrounded by towering 1000 meter peaks in every direction. It was a scene I had never seen before and I couldn’t wait to climb this mountain and see such a strange place, take in those epic views of Wanaka myself.

How could it be real?

5 of the best day hikes in New Zealand you can’t miss

How long would you wait in line for this photo?

Of course what my naive self didn’t realize was that social media doesn’t show you the line of people walking up the track and the hordes of humans crowding the summit and to be quite frank, the exceedingly boring walk to the top. Sure, I was awestruck but I was also dismayed. I stupidly thought I’d have this quiet corner of the world to myself but I was surrounded by people who surely though the same.

I walked down the monotonous track for the first time, cursing myself for not realizing how busy it’d be and for not doing more research on lesser-known hikes.

Mt. Roy is probably the most popular hikes in New Zealand thanks to Instagram, with hundreds of thousands of people walking up it annually, and lines up to 40 minutes to take “that photo.” You aren’t going to have that walk to yourself, rain or shine, middle of the night or during the day. It’s crowded.

The social media queue pic.twitter.com/hRj6kBXypS

— Lukas Stefanko (@LukasStefanko) November 25, 2018

I get it, it’s hard when you’re traveling, especially when you’re hoping to do lots of hiking in New Zealand. You have so much planning to do already that you don’t really have time to look into all of the best secret spots, because duh, they’re secret for a reason!

But fear not! There are hundreds and hundreds of secret tracks in New Zealand that take a little bit more research but are certainly worth it.

If you’ve dreamed of quiet trails in the New Zealand wilderness, this list is for you. I can’t guarantee you’ll have them all to yourself but you certainly won’t have to line up to take a photo.

These are my top 10 epic hikes that are way better than Roy’s Peak. Enjoy!

9 ways hiking in New Zealand will change your life

*Be sure to check out the Mountain Safety Council’s handy website for helping plan a safe adventure in the New Zealand backcountry, especially how to plan your trip.

1. Cooks Cove Walkway: East Cape (5.8km return, 2.5 hours easy)

For the history buffs and the coastal lovers, this one is for you! Located in the Tolaga Bay area on the east coast of the North Island, Cooks Cove Walkway takes you nowhere Captain James Cook stopped in 1769 as part of his circumnavigation of New Zealand.

For a relatively easy walk with minimal hill walking, you’ll be rewarded with stunning views of coastal bluffs and gives first views of Cooks Cove itself. Information panels alone the way tell the story of Cook and the crew of the Endeavor’s visit to the Cooks Cove (Opoutama), the history of the local iwi Te Aitanga-a-Hauiti, and the excavation of an archaeological site first occupied by Māori.

For those warm summer days, you’ll even spot a safe cove to swim in. If you’re planning on doing this track, be aware the track is closed from August 1st – late October.

2. Paneikire Hut: East Cape (5 hours one way, 8.8 km, intermediate)

Another east coast gem, the track to Paneikire Hut is one that can’t be missed. Found on the multi-day track around Lake Waikaremoana (Te Urewera), one of New Zealand’s Great Walks, this hike can easily be done in a day. It’s a strenuous climb up to Paneikire Bluffs but once at the bluffs, the track mellows out and follows an undulating ridgeline before reaching Puketapu Trig and onto Panekire Hut.

In pre-European times, life was determined by the practical demands of an annual cycle of food gathering. Te Urewera nurtured an industrious and resilient people with links to the land. No part of the forest was left unexplored. Hine-pukohu-rangi came from the sky enticing Te Maunga, the mountain, to earth with her. Their child was a mortal being, Tuhoepotiki; his children are the Tuhoe people. Tuhoe are thus children of the supernatural, born of the remote mountain and the drifting mist.

The symbol you see on signs, shelters, and other facilities along the lake track is an interpretation of Hine-pukohu-rangi.

3. The Pinnacles Walk: Coromandel (2.5 – 3 hr one way, 6km, intermediate)

To be fair, this walk is classified as “popular” but compared to the cattle-like lines going up to Roy’s Peak, this hike is still relatively quiet. Found on the lush and dense Coromandel Peninsula, this hike can be done in a day or as an overnight walk. The track follows a historic packhorse route used by the kauri bushman in the 1920s.

The Pinnacles Track starts by climbing a series of steps that were cut into the rocks to make the journey for the bushmen easier as they were logging kauri trees. As you reach the top of the climb, you’ll see the skidded road which were used to pull logs along the skids by teams of bullocks or steam haulers.

As you reach the top of the climb, you’ll be rewarded with 360 views of the this beautiful North Island peninsula including views of a branch of the Tairua River and the rugged volcanic landforms of Tauranikau and the Pinnacles. A short walk down a signposted sidetrack leads you to Dancing Camp Campsite where you might find remains of the Dancing Camp Dma, built in 1921.

If you do plan to stay at the hut, please note bookings are required.

Image via Flickr

Image via Monty Vanderbilt

4. Mount Hikurangi: East Cape (5 – 7 hours one way, 10km, advanced)

Visit the sacred mountain of Ngāti Porou, Mount Hikurangi, the highest non-volcanic mountain in the North Island.

Located in the Raukumara Conservation Area in on the East Coast of the North Island, this advanced tramping track is suitable for this ready for a long day. The track is 7 hours one way but the views of the Raukumara Range make it well worth it. The track is marked until the last 400 meters which require a scramble up loose scree.

Steeped in Maori history, Mount Hikurangi was the first part of the North Island to emerge when Māui pulled it as a giant fish from the ocean. According to these beliefs, his waka, Nukutaimemeha, became stranded on the mountain and lies petrified near the mountain’s summit.

Image via Phillip Capper

5. Lake Peel: Nelson/Tasman (2.5 hours one way, 5km, advanced)

Nestled deep in the Kahurangi National Park lies Lake Peel, a picturesque lake cradled in a verdant basin. For this hike, climb steadily up to Lake Peel ridge before sidling around this stunning alpine lake.

Highlights include views of the Arthur Range and the Cobb Reservoir plus good birdlife and alpine flowers in summer. This track can be completed in a loop for those looking for an intro into multi-day hiking.

Also, one of New Zealand’s rarest birds, the takahē, was just released back into Kahurangi National Park.

Image via Flickr

6. Mt. Stokes Track: Marlborough (4-5 hours return, 7km, advanced)

Far too many people skip out on the fascinating Marlborough Sounds in an effort to get further south in the Alps but those who stick around won’t be disappointed.

The Queen Charlotte track is a must do for many trampers and cyclists but for those looking for a quick day trip with sweeping views of the sounds, be sure to stop at Mt. Stokes. This mountain is named after Captain John Stokes, who charted the entire New Zealand coastline between 1848 and 1851 in the survey ship Acheron, visiting the Sounds in 1849.

This 4-5 hour return hike is recommended for fit trampers who don’t mind steep terrain. Standing at 1,200m, Mt Stokes is the highest point in the Marlborough Sounds.

Image via Daniel Rauber

7. Mount Tuhua Track: West Coast (7 hours return, 7.2km, advanced)

Lake Kaniere is a West Coast gem that can’t be missed.

Hikes up the surrounding mountains give stunning views of the lake, surrounding peaks, and the Tasman Sea. Skip the popular hike to Mount Brown Hut and instead, try for the Mount Tuhua Track.

This track requires an advanced level of hiking and while the track is marked with orange triangles for the entirety of the hike, you should not underestimate the steep terrain.

The track starts off at a gentle gradient through rainforest for about the first kilometer, before starting to climb increasingly steeply. The bush is thick, but there are two viewpoints along the way which look back across Lake Kaniere

Image via Sara Larcome

8. Mount Fox: West Coast (8 hours return, 7.4km return, expert)

When I first traveled through Glacier Country, I was actually mildly disappointed. The very easy walks advertised around Fox and Franz glacier were paved to a viewpoint far away from the glaciers and swarming with people.

The West Coast can be difficult to tackle. The do-able walks are flat and through a valley and the walks with the amazing viewpoints often require a high level of technical skill and mountaineering or glacier experience. For those of you stuck in the middle like me, Mount Fox is a great alternative. It’s certainly a challenging hike but requires no technical equipment of knowledge when attempted in the summer.

Located just 3km south of the Fox Glacier township, this challenging climb is suited for fit, advanced trampers with good navigation skills. Start early in the morning to be on the mountaintop before cloud rolls in obscuring the view. This is a regular event, particularly in the summer months. The rough route climbs steeping up through the bush until 1021 meters where you begin to follow blue and orange markers through the grassland to 1345 meters.

9. Green Lake Track: Fiordland (6.8km or 11 km to hut, 3 – 6 hours one way, advanced)

For those seeking an excellent long day walk, you can’t go wrong with Green Lake in Fiordland.

Skip the crowded Milford bay and taken this quieter track to Green Lake instead. This hike requires a steep hill filled with dense bush before descending to the shores of Green Lake.

For those wanting to continue on, follow the track to Green Lake Hut.

Images via Crystal Brindle

10. Eldrig Peak: Fiordland (4 – 5 hours one way, 4km return, advanced)

Another Fiordland treasure, the hike to Eldrig Peak is difficult but well worth the views for trampers who are up for the challenge.

Start from Borland Road and continue through beech forest then into the tops where you can enjoy unbelievably rugged views of Fiordland.

The Borland Road is unsealed, narrow and steep in places, and subject to slips, washouts, snow, ice, high winds, and fallen trees. It is usually fine for walking, mountain biking, 4WD vehicles and some other vehicles (depending on conditions).

This road is not suitable for campervans. The road may be closed at any time so check with the Fiordland DOC office before attempting this hike.

The post 10 day hikes in New Zealand that are better than Roys Peak appeared first on Young Adventuress.

from Young Adventuress http://bit.ly/2SJakgc

[mittensmorgul]

Between the promo and the interview with Dabb. It's important to see the love professed between persons they are not blood family but they are Family. I will only say that love is different but not least. I love that Dean says "Cas is my best friend" because a friend can be a brother, confidant, ally, encompasses a lot of things. And I Iike Dabb to say "Everybody looking for their place" Because they are all important. Castiel is one of a kind and he has to find his own place in the universe.

Yeah.

(And just for the record, Mr. Mittens is my best friend.)

(we’ve been married for almost 20 years)

(but he’s definitely my best friend)

And really, the whole “Everybody looking for their place” thing is something we’ve been flailing over FOR YEARS. ACTUAL MULTIPLE YEARS.

*note to say that I would provide ALL the quotes, but the superwiki’s been down all day, so this is literally entirely off the top of my head. All receipts can be found buried in my blog, but for the purposes of answering this in a timely fashion, *boom* you get the stuff I can remember without looking it up… :D*

*second note to say I’m putting this under a cut because damn… I wrote over 3k on the subject and whoa it’s long*

Let’s start with Dean (because really this show, for me, starts and ends with Dean)

Dean, in 10.16, with his whole confessional scene. Thinking about the things… people he wants to experience differently. Maybe even for the first time.

But this isn’t even really a new notion for Dean. At the beginning of the series we were first introduced to this cocky dude who had this whole loner/rebel thing going on… but that image got turned on its head by the end of the second episode (the third episode drowned that perception of Dean in a lake). He spent most of s2 feeling like he wasn’t even supposed to be ALIVE, let alone deserve anything more than he already had.

By s3, he’d sold his soul for Sam’s, and he was content with the trade… until near the end of the season when his time was running out and he was forced to confront his fate… (I don’t deserve it! FINALLY! at the end of 3.10 confronting the dream-demon-dean)

Resurrected in 4.01, Cas points out that Dean doesn’t believe he deserved to be saved… and he’s forced to confront this fate apparently laid on him by God– who he didn’t even believe existed, and certainly didn’t care about. Heaven was conspiring against Dean to make him into their pawn, all the while he fought against that fate. At that point in the story, back during the Apocalypse, he didn’t really get much time to stop and think about what “place” he’d choose for himself, he just knew he wasn’t gonna let destiny choose for him. Back then, he was fighting for the right to choose at all.

Apocalypse dusted, he trudged off to look for a white picket fence and a little peace and quiet. As far as he knew, the world wasn’t trying to end anymore, and without any sort of direction for himself, for the first time in his life he was sort of free to explore something different for himself. For reasons I’ve talked about plenty of times before, it didn’t work out for him. He tried to find a balance there, but it was too much, and suddenly he was adrift again.

He’d lost his faith again. Cas was gone, Sam was broken, and the world was definitely falling apart again. S7 stripped away everything that Dean had ever known. Forget about having choices, by the end of the season he was even running out of last-ditch refuges. Then he and Cas ended up in the last-ditch refuge to beat all other last-ditch refuges: Purgatory.

Coming back from Purgatory seemed to give Dean a new lease on life. ESPECIALLY after Cas came back… at least for a little while. Even after Cas came back to him, he still ditched him again…

(yes it was because he was being controlled by Naomi, no neither dean nor cas knew that at the time, yes it left everyone feeling terrible)

Then they discovered the Bunker. Things really began to change for him. He had a place that he felt was actually THEIRS. A solid, steady home base that grounded him in the world like nothing had since he’d been 4 years old and had a family home. It was his heritage, a part of his personal history that had been stolen from him long before he was even born. And that was HUGE for Dean.

The thing he was best at, the thing he took most pride in– his abilities as a hunter– was validated by this creepy old vault in a hillside.

Suddenly he had a home, a sense of legitimacy, a sense that he wasn’t some outcast on the fringes of society. Granted, living in a secret underground bunker still technically puts one on the fringes of society, but more in a Batman sort of way instead of in a Spiders Georg sort of way…

Right from the start, Dean had this sense of BELONGING there. He felt at home. He LIKES living there. He has privacy and comfort and his own room and a cozy robe and slippers, not to mention all the tools and resources he could ever hope to have to do the job he’s always loved (well, for the most part he’s loved it…).

But there’s always been that responsibility his father instilled in him from the moment he told him to carry Sam outside as fast as he can. His one real job, even above the hunting, has been to watch out for Sam. He still feels responsible for Sam, even though they’re both in their 30′s (and Dean’s pushing 40 now…). Is that REALLY his primary responsibility in life? I mean, of course he loves his brother, but should he forever put Sam’s needs and wishes BEFORE his own? Or, conversely, override Sam’s own wishes in service to that old “watch out for Sammy, you have to save him” mantra that John burdened him with in 2.01? That’s something he’s beginning to learn, beginning back in s11, and continuing into s12.

I think Dean realizes that hunting is where he belongs. Going back to 11.04, Sam asking him if he ever thought about settling down with someone in the life. Like, finding a romantic partner to share the life with. I.e., hunting with someone other than Sam. Implying that SAM had thought about this, too, for himself.

Conveniently, Sam meets a really lovely female hunter who he has a lot of instant chemistry with just seven episodes later (hello, Eileen!). But at the time in 11.04, Dean denies having considered it a real possibility for him. Despite having said something along those exact same lines in 10.16.

How much have I written about 11.11 and Dean’s heart-to-heart with Mildred about sunsets, and pining for someone, and… right. Okay. (there’s nearly 200 posts in that episode tag fyi. I’m not even gonna CONSIDER diving in there to pull references, or I’ll be there all night :P).

In 11.17 he gets the lesson hammered home that he can’t just throw away his own life in exchange for Sam’s. For the first time in his life, he’s confronted with the absolute fact that Sam’s life is not cosmically more important than his own. He doesn’t want Sam to suffer or die or to have to carry undue burdens on his soul (like the Mark of Cain… >.>), but that’s a reasonable thing to feel. It’s NOT reasonable to try to spend the rest of his life standing as that human shield between Sam and the rest of the world either, though, and he’s finally starting to understand that.

Then in 11.19 Dean makes a real breakthrough and FINALLY admits out loud and in front of Sam that he’s curious about what it’s like settling down with another hunter. He asks this of two men who are married to each other. Again, in front of Sam.

The s11 finale was ALL ABOUT CHUCK AND AMARA FINDING THEIR PLACE in a strange way. Not Chuck hiding out on Earth pretending to be something he’s not (a Dean mirror…), not Amara locked away somewhere like a prisoner, nor destroying all of creation in retaliation. It was all about balance, brought about by Dean Winchester.

So, that leaves us in Dean’s current situation. Mary’s suddenly alive again after all these years, Sam’s been hurt and taken by ??? and Cas was true to his word and stuck around.

Not only that, but Cas seems just as fierce and determined as Dean to get Sam back. Aah, brotherly feelings! Because THAT’S how Cas has learned (from Dean) that you take care of your brother. And really, I think that’s how Cas does see Sam. As a brother. It’s been a long time since he’s referred to Sam as the Boy with the Demon Blood, or “an abomination.” And Cas’s journey since borrowing Jimmy’s body and popping into that barn to say hi to Dean has also been about his friendship (and kinship) with Sam.

(I mean, just look at 9.11, THEY BOND OVER HOW SIMILAR THEY ARE! THEY TALK ABOUT HOW BOTH ANGELS AND WINCHESTERS CAN GROW AND CHANGE!)

I know this has largely been about Dean to this point, but when I started writing, I had no idea how much I really had to say on the subject. I was going to do a similar “this is your life” sort of segment for Sam, but It’s almost impossible to talk about Dean without pulling in relevant tidbits about Sam. So I’m gonna spend a (hopefully!) shorter amount of time talking about Sam here, specifically.

When Sam first met Cas, he was in awe of angels. Unlike Dean, he’d always had faith in a higher power. (He’d also always had Dean as a human shield against some of the worst of their young lives, which probably contributed to his ability to maintain that faith in what otherwise could’ve been a completely faith-destroying life… I mean, see Dean himself for the obvious compare/contrast here).

Sam had always felt “other.” The freak. Not even really all human. Living on the fringes of society yet wanting desperately to fit in and just be normal. He hated his life, hated hunting, hated not being normal. And then his powers kicked online and amped that feeling up to 11.

Poor Sam has spent so much of the series being the object of the supernatural that the only times he ever even tried to run away from the life he just got pulled right back in. He tried to run once during the Apocalypse, but that didn’t even last more than a few days before he was forced back in (in 5.03/5.04). The closest he got to escaping into normalcy was during early s8 while Dean was in Purgatory.

Nothing says family like the whole family being dead.

He drifted around the country aimlessly until he hit a dog.

He seemed to settle in for a brief time, but then suddenly Dean was back, reminding him that he had a duty to protect Kevin, and he’d failed. He’d never told Amelia ANYTHING about his life before he’d met her. Well, nothing REAL, anyway. Not the truth. Nothing about hunting or monsters or anything. So when his history finally caught up with him, his choice was an either/or. He couldn’t have both (not even like Dean had tried to do with Lisa, since she did know the truth about him. Sam wouldn’t burden Amelia with it, despite having demanded as his dying wish that Dean burden Lisa with it all…)

So Sam was adrift again, even though he had Dean by his side. Even though he had the bunker as a home base. It WASN’T a proper home by his standards. It wasn’t enough.

Enter the trials, enter Gadreel, enter the fight against the Mark, enter the Darkness… and finally Enter God.

(also enter Dean spending a month or so pining away and driving himself bonkers trying to save Cas from Lucifer)

And then… God couldn’t just snap his fingers and make this better. In fact, God was kind of a jerk. Or, at least, God was really freaking limited in his own ability to change. That’s one of the drawbacks of being absolute.

Free will is not included in the kit.

But Sam? Sam’s got it. And he chooses to exercise it LIKE A BOSS. SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER. CAN I GET AN AMEN!

Sam’s chosen all through s12 to stand up and defend what he believes in. Even in 12.01/12.02 when he felt like he had really nothing left to lose (with Dean gone, Cas banished, the Darkness vanquished), he still didn’t give in to his captors. He kept fighting for himself.

Because he does see the bunker as his home now. He’s also got this weird second chance to get to know his mother in a blank slate sort of way. He’s accepted her terms for how their relationship will proceed, because getting to know her AT ALL had never even been a possibility for him.

And we know he’s spent some time thinking about his future (his little retirement brochure and his box of memories). He’s spent time wondering what it might be like settling down with a hunter. He’s begun archiving the MoL records to make them accessible. He’s got a way to keep one foot in hunting and still have a relatively settled life. And he finally got Lucifer locked back up in the cage. He’s got hope for the future.

(well, he did until they got arrested by the secret service and tossed into some sort of black site)

Now on to Cas.

Castiel, Angel of the Lord. Arguably the most fascinating character progression in the history of television. He began as a completely alien being who was just rebellious enough and empathetic enough and curious enough to be swayed by humanity. Yes, he had a history of defying orders going back millennia, but he’s also been labeled as having “too much heart.” What a wonderful problem for an angel to have.

From wrathful soldier of heaven to homeless human struggling to survive, he’s experienced so much. And he’s been open to every last experience. He’s let humanity touch him and change him, all the while fighting to do the right thing for Heaven and Earth. He’s made some catastrophic mistakes along the way, and the weight of that guilt has affected him even more.

I saw a post earlier today about the line from the See Evil promo, where Dean says Cas is his best friend. Below that is an image of the “Friends to Lovers” tag from AO3. Because yeah, I mean, isn’t that the next logical step here? Their entire story has been a Strangers to Associates to Enemies to Associates to Friends to Associates to Enemies to Associates to Friends to whateverthefuck they were in Purgatory to Friends to Close Really Close Friends to Awkwardly Asking Out And Getting Rejected But Staying Heartbroken Friends to Bitter Exes to Friends to Brothers to “everyone you love will be long dead except for me” to ~Brothers~ to Old Married People Having A Spat Over How Much Cas Travels For Work With Dean’s Ex.

It’s ridiculous.

*glances up at this ridiculous post trying to determine if I’ve addressed your question even a little bit and realizes this is gonna have to go under a cut. WTF, self?*

Cas’s ENTIRE HISTORY ON THE SERIES, ALL OF IT, HAS BEEN A JOURNEY OF “FINDING HIS PLACE.”

I just watched 4.20 yesterday. That’s where I am in my current rewatch. He’s been struggling with what’s right, with what he should do, with where he should entrust his loyalty. Heaven’s orders don’t feel right. There’s something fishy going on up there, and his loyalty was wavering. After getting pulled back to Boot Camp for reprogramming, he tells Dean that he serves Heaven, not humanity, and CERTAINLY not Dean…

Well, it only takes him two more episodes to turn that around and tear up the script. For Dean.

THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN CAS’S JOURNEY.

As much as Sam has been manipulated by the universe, Cas has too. (remember what I said about Sam and Cas in 9.11? Yeah, that.)

Well as much as Sam and Cas have in common, the relationship between Cas and Dean has NEVER looked like that. There’s always been a distinct difference between how Cas and Sam relate to one another, and how Cas and Dean relate to one another.

But Dean being Dean, who doesn’t feel like he deserved to be saved, doesn’t have any clue what to do with an Angel of the Lord who put his faith in Dean. And Cas doesn’t have any clue what to do with this man who has called him brother and best friend, both of which taste a little bit like a lie, or at least not entirely like the truth.

(see previous comment about Old Married Couple, yet with neither of them realizing it)

I realized a few minutes ago that I’ve already written something about Cas’s entire journey (as it stood over the summer hiatus after s11), and how he’s always been headed toward this huge choice: Do you want to live as an angel, or as a man? I’d go digging for it, but *scrolls up through this entirely too long already post* I think I’ve spent enough time on this.

Cas has struggled with these HUGE questions. He’s tried to do what was right. He’s tried to reconcile his duty to heaven with the original mission God set for the angels to protect humanity. He’s met God himself and seen the entire story of creation resolve itself. And now? Now where does he belong? His story’s been paralleled to Mary’s this season. Mary who feels out of place and time and disconnected from the world, yet is tied to it by blood and family and humanity. Cas feels out of place because of WHAT he is, because he’s not human or blood (even if he is family… or whatever he reads into Dean’s assertions that he has a place with them, in their home, with the Winchesters).

It’s all about family, what makes family, and finding out how they all fit into each others’ lives. If given the choice, what would each of them decide to do?

TL/DR? Basically my point is this is nothing new. This has always been the story, no matter what the “bigger problems” they’ve faced over the years have been. It’s just become a much more tangible and dynamic part of the story in the last season or so. Meaning it’s become more important, if anything. For Dean, for Sam, and for Cas.

Take any of those three out of the story, and the whole structure collapses. They’re all equally important here. I don’t think anyone who says different has a leg to stand on. I don’t know what the fuck show they’re watching, but it’s definitely not Supernatural.

Not sure if I even really addressed the original message here, but I’ve been typing this for a couple of hours now, so I guess I’ve officially typed myself out. :P