#consider this post an apology for the weird horror rambles you all have had to deal with lately i promise im normal and cool dont leave | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

love-fireflysong · 3 years

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yIt's done. It took me waaaay to long to write this piece out but between June and my computer apparently deciding to kick me in the teeth this month, the fact I made it to 5 full squares completed anyways I will gladly take as a victory! And, just fyi, this WILL be the last piece for this month. I know that there is still another four days left of June, but I am sick and tired of dealing with my keyboard so this is the last fic you're gonna see from me until I get a new laptop hopefully fairly soon. (Unless I decide that I'm desperate enough to try and write things out on my tablet of course...)

Anyways, the First Date trope was specifically requested by @jesus-hotsauce-christmas-cake when I let her know that the one she did guess (road trip) was going to be a second chapter of a twoshot. Which you still might get because I'm very likely going to be sharing the short little summary blurbs I had written down for each trope so people can very easily bully me into writing them anyways if people still wanted to read them. And even though it would be like months and months late, still post them under this bingo board because I can and I had a cool idea for what I was doing with the colours and layout before life decided to say 'NO!' in a very firm voice. (Unless of course the three lovely ladies that came up with this idea in the first place say no obviously)

Rambling over though now I promise. Chocolate Covered Confessions can be read over and AO3 of course, with the full fic also under the readmore as well.

Chocolate Covered Confessions

Trope: First Date Fandom: Until Dawn Characters: Ashley Brown, Chris Hartley Words: 8214 Rating: General (though reader beware there is some almost scandalous hand holding and a couple of scandalously public kisses. You have been warned...) Authors Notes: Oh look, more chrashley fluff. Who da thunk it? Pride month? What pride month? This is just me apparently figuring out how many different ways I can get Chris and Ash to confess their feelings. Because you only read like three of them, I still have another two waiting in the wings. Plus at least three others if you count climbing chrash lol.

Something was...weird. It wasn't something that Ashley could put her finger on just yet, but something was definitely off that was for sure. The problem of course was that she didn't even know where to start looking in the first place, because for the most part her day had been extraordinarily ordinary.

She, Chris, and Josh had planned to go and see a movie Saturday morning a few days back and then hang out the rest of the day. But seeing as they were, you know, best friends that certainly wasn't the issue. Not even close. They always made plans to do stuff like that together. And yeah, okay, so maybe Josh had 'coincidentally' texted them just before the movie started to let them know that something unavoidable had come up and he wasn't going to be able to meet up with them. And when her and Chris had brought up just waiting until a later showing when he was free, he had immediately been quick to affirm that nope, he was going to be busy the whole rest of the day actually. So the two of them could continue with their original plans and they could make it up to him another time.

While certainly suspicious, that wasn't what was wrong though. Josh had been flaking out on their plans more and more, especially when it was plans that took up an entire day. Ashley Brown wasn't stupid. No siree Bob she was not! She knew exactly what Josh was trying to do by leaving her to spend the day with Chris. Alone . And she appreciated it (she really did!), but if Chris was going to make a move then he would have done it ages and ages ago, because she sure as hell wasn't going to do it! Ashley Brown wasn't stupid, but she also wasn't exactly what you would call brave either.

Not that Chris had seemed to notice what Josh was pulling though, he had just sighed and rolled his eyes with a grumbled "fucking typical", and then the two of them had entered the theater to watch the movie. And as per their usual shtick when Josh wasn't there with them, Chris paid for the tickets while she paid for the food and drinks. Or, at least, that was how it normally went. Instead, when she had decided to take a run to the bathroom while he held their spot in the long concession line, she had come back to Chris waiting for her with the pop and popcorn already in hand. After brushing off her flustered apologies, he had explained that shortly after she had left, another cashier had popped on till so the line had gone down in half the time either had expected. And it seemed like a dick move to just wait there until she came back so he had just decided to get the food instead.

She still felt a little guilty about it honestly, even after swearing that she would get both the tickets and food next time.

And, to be completely fair to Josh, he hadn't exactly been missing out on a lot by skipping out on the movie. It wasn't a horror flick (he would never even think of skipping out on that after all) so it wasn't one that he would feel the need to make the two of them watch again with him. Which was more than fine honestly, because if she was to describe the movie in a single word, well, that word would definitely have been 'dreadful'. If she was given a few more words, then she would have easily elaborated and stated that it was 'a boring, plot-hole driven mess, with only extremely over-the-top action scenes and explosions every five minutes to carry any semblance of the extremely loosely written plot'. In other words, she had lost interest in the movie barely half an hour in, and considering that Chris had started scrolling through his phone bored, she wasn't alone in this boat either.

Still, Ashley had resolved herself to sit through this over-budgeted explosion fest if only because movie tickets were horribly expensive. Not to mention the fact that Chris had shelled out money for both the movie and the food. But then he had turned to her, asked if she was as bored to tears as he was, and once he got that confirmation, asked if she wanted to just ditch the movie entirely. And she did—she really, really did—but didn't want Chris to waste the money he had spent more. And then yet another explosion...exploded on screen, and she realized that she was wasting precious hours of her life that could be used to do something more fun and less mind-numbingly boring.

Like watching paint dry. That at least had a semi-cohesive plot.

And so the two of them had walked out, continuing to share the extra buttered popcorn between them (the movie may have been awful, but the popcorn certainly wasn't) as they left the movie theater behind and wandered into the nearby mall. That wasn't the strange thing either. The mall and subsequent window shopping had absolutely been part of their day plans after, even if those had been unexpectedly pushed forward a couple of hours.

Admittedly the art show that the mall was running in one of the empty storefronts was unexpected, but it had been simply a nice surprise and a great way to kill time. So after paying the $2 entrance fee, the two of them had continued to share the popcorn as they looked at some of the paintings and sculptures that had been on display, giggling childishly at most of them. And okay, so one of the curators had been glaring at them( or rather, at their greasy, butter-covered fingers) the whole time, but that had just been a little rude and insulting. Not strange. And that had stopped almost the moment they had run out of popcorn, Ashley nudging him in the stomach with her elbow as she licked her fingers clean, and the two of them laughing under their breaths at the curator who had looked exceptionally much more at ease once Chris had crumpled the empty bag into a ball.

The rest of their day in the mall had just been spent following the rest of their day's plan, wandering from shop to shop and browsing at all the things that caught their eyes, and then taking a break after a few hours to have a late lunch in the food court. The two of them checked out another couple of stores, these ones to try and get some ideas for Josh's birthday in another month, before moving onto the small arcade on the top floor. As part of their deal and agreement since it had just been Josh and Chris (Ashey not joining the duo until five years later), Chris bought the tokens needed while she scouted out the various games for an empty console and claimed it until he could join her in another couple of minutes.

They spent the next hour in there, trying to beat each other or work together depending on the game in question. They almost never played a game twice before moving onto the next one, in hopes to both try as many games as possible before their self imposed hour ended and to see if they could beat their previous high scores or make it onto the leaderboard in only a single try. But as the hour came to a close, they both made their way over to their final game: one of the racing simulators scattered around the arcade. And as had been done for ten years now, played to determine which of them would be paying for the tokens next time they came.

And once the race ended, with Ashley winning by photo finish for the third time in a row (and celebrating her winning streak by maturely sticking out her tongue and doing an awkward little shimmy dance in the seat while Chris jokingly sulked and pouted), they had finally left the mall altogether and got into Chris's truck. There, he had surprised Ashley with the novel she had been eyeing in the bookstore (or at least, eyeing closer than all the rest she had picked up) and that he had somehow been able to buy without her noticing. And that certainly hadn't been weird, because it had been so exceptionally sweet of him, sweet enough that Ashley had so badly wished that she could thank him properly. But as mentioned before, Ashley Brown was a coward pure and simple, so she had just clutched the book to her chest and beamed at Chris in heartfelt thanks instead.

He may have said something in reply, but Ashley had already settled into the passenger seat and opened to the first page of the book, so she was already long gone. A fact that Chris had anticipated, if the light chuckle he had let out before starting the truck meant anything. And no, Ashley reading a book while Chris drove them to their usual game store across town was not the strange thing either. If Chris hadn't wanted her to read on the drive over and talk to him, then he never would have given her the book now of all times. He would have waited until he had dropped her off home, or not even bought the book in the first place. After over a half a decade of friendship, if anyone knew what would happen after giving Ashley Brown a new book, it was Chris Hartley.

The drive over is done quicker then she had expected, and even then Chris still hadn't let her know that they had arrived until she had finished her chapter. Yes he had certainly teased her about it the entire time, joking about how she would never find someone as understanding of her reading habits then him (he didn't know how right he was, that she didn't want to find anyone else), but the fact that he had just continued to let the music play in the truck and distracted himself on his phone was so unbearably sweet that she decided to let it lie.

The fact that Ashley and Chris hung around in the game shop comparing dice and looking at new books while wincing over the prices for nearly two hours wasn't what was off either. Hell, if anything the fact that they only spent a couple of hours there before leaving was weird! Her, Chris, and Josh could easily spend almost half a day in there flipping through comics and rolling dice to test them out, only leaving because a tired employee was forced to ask them to leave for making too much noise and taking up a table when they weren't playing anything, especially when there was a group that had been waiting for a table for close to an hour now.

Which brought Ashley to where she was right now, sitting at a sticky plastic table under the shade of a cheap umbrella while Chris had run off to get them some ice cream before dropping her off at home. Her new book was open in front of her, the pages crisp white even in the umbrella's shade, but her mind wasn't on the book anymore. A random line had a character mentioning that something had been feeling off all day ever since they woke up ('like everything had been moved three centimeters to the left, so while it all looked normal, nothing felt right anymore'), and Ashley had also realized that hey, wait a second, her day was also feeling just a little wonky too! But no matter how hard she thought about it, she couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was. Today had just been a normal day hanging out with Chris after all. They went to see (and bailed) a movie, spent hours hanging out in the mall and at the game store, and now they were each going back home. Nothing unusual had happened, so why did it feel like something hugely monumental had been going on all day?

"Oi. Earth to Ash, you okay in there?"

A light flick to the center of Ashley's forehead has her blink in surprise, and she finds herself back into the present once again. Chris is standing next to her, carefully balancing the two cones in his right hand and his left ready to flick again if needed, and a bemused smile on his face.

"Oh, uh, sorry Chris. Got a little too into the book I think." She closes the book, not wanting to get melting ice cream all over its crisp white pages (and she really hasn't absorbed a single word for nearly ten minutes now), but Chris doesn't hand her the cone just yet.

"Yeah, I'm not buying that," Chris says as he snorts in disbelief. "I know your 'praise be to books' look, and that was not it. That was your 'head full, too many thoughts' look."

"Excuse me? What? I do not have a reading look! Or a thinking look for that matter!"

"Oh you do. You really, really do. Trust me. You may have been staring at that book but there was no way that you were reading, I would bet my own ice cream here on it." Chris brandishes his double chocolate cone at her, then seems to reconsider and switches to show off her own dipped soft serve that he still has yet to actually let her eat. "Actually, you know what? I would eat your dipped monstrosity if I'm wrong."

Ashley sighs, but she can't keep the smile from her face. "It's not that bad this time, oh my god. It's chocolate ice cream dipped in blueberry syrup. This is actually a normal combination for people who go out of their way to order more exciting cones then two scoops of chocolate." She leans forward and places her elbows on the table to support her head in her hands. "But I wanna see you do it anyway, so tell me exactly why you're so convinced that I wasn't reading."

Chris opens his mouth, but immediately closes it a second later, as though he didn't realize exactly what he had signed himself up for here until now. Ashley of course takes it as a sign of victory. "I knew it. So let's see this Chris, I wanna see you eat something that isn't—"

"When you read you get, like, super attentive." Chris's face is pink, and not looking at her but at the book on the table as he bashfully continues. "You become so drawn in to whatever you're reading that you ignore everything going on around you, because all of your attention is now on that book. Pretty sure a bomb could go off right next to you and you wouldn't even notice sometimes. And it's always so easy to tell what's happening in the book when you're reading too, cause your face is always so expressive. Like your eyes get big when something exciting or surprising happens, and when you're really enjoying whatever it is you're reading, you start giggling like a loon."

Ashley is too stunned and, quite frankly, her heart is beating too fast for her to even think of a proper response to that . She manages to squeak out a quiet little "oh, um" but Chris doesn't notice. Not when he's still babbling and not looking at her at all.

"But when you get deep in thought, you're not like that at all. All of your attention goes inward, and everything around you disappears cause all the important stuff is going on inside your head right now. Your mouth falls open just a little, sort of like you're gaping at all the information in front of you. And-and sometimes you'll mouth out what's going on inside your head as you try to fit the pieces of everything together so it's neat and tidy like a puzzle. And even though you have the, like, blankest stare imaginable, it's not empty at all if that makes any sense. Cause your eyes narrow and your forehead scrunches just the tiniest amount so you have a small little wrinkle form like right here—" with his unoccupied hand Chris points at the bridge of his nose right between his eyes "—and it's weirdly, insanely cute? But when you finally figure out the puzzle in your head, your face lights up like a kid on christmas morning and...and..." He lets his words trail off and stops awkwardly there, as though finally realizing exactly what he's been saying this entire time.

His face is almost beet red now, and Ashley is pretty sure hers is too. "Oh, uh, wow. I-I didn't realize you paid any attention to me when I was like that..."

Somehow his face only gets redder, and though he mumbles the words under his breath, Ashley can still make them out. "I'm always paying attention to you."

But not close enough attention it seems, she thinks sadly. If you did then you would have noticed something way more obvious than that. But she doesn't want to embarrass him anymore than he already is (then she already is), and she isn't sure what else she could possibly say that wouldn't be her blurting out that she likes him, so instead she pretends that she hadn't heard a single thing and wordlessly accepts the ice cream that he hands to her, accepting her defeat as she takes a small bite of the blueberry covered chocolate soft serve.

...The blueberry covered chocolate soft serve that he had bought for her. Or, you know, the ice cream he had paid for himself. Just like he had paid for everything today. Kind of like it was almost a, uh, date. Like he had taken her on a date.

Oh .

"Oh boy, let me guess: I was right and your ice cream really is a crime against taste buds?"

Ashley comes crashing back down to reality to see Chris, his face still a little red but the playful smile back on his face as he teased her. And yet, that only makes it worse as she can't help but feel the usual gymnastics routine the butterflies in her stomach perform at that particular smile, only they're a thousand times worse now that's she's realized exactly why today had felt so strange. And she can't help thinking how much everyone else would classify what was just a day hanging out with her best friend as a date. And how much she really, really wished it was one.

"Nope," she unfortunately squeaks out, and clears her throat so she can continue in a more normal tone of voice. "Nope, sorry to disappoint Chris, but the ice cream tastes fine." She takes another bite for proof (and to her credit she's not lying, it tastes more than fine). "Just, uh, realized something funny that's all." And the moment the words leave her mouth she realizes just how badly she's screwed everything up, because there is no way in any world that Chris Hartley is just going to let that comment lie.

"Funny? Oho, well now I'm interested. You mind sharing your glorious epiphany with the rest of the class Miss Brown?"

Taking another small taste of her ice cream, Ashley averts her gaze as she gives what she is kicking herself for is obviously an extremely forced laugh. "Did I say funny? I meant boring, just super boring actually."

"Well now I just want to hear it more."

"No, you don't. Trust me, you really, really don't."

Chris's brows furrow in concern. "Ash? You okay?"

She isn't, of course she isn't. She's now realized exactly what a date with Chris would be like, and it would be exactly like this. With them going to all the same place and doing the same things but she's allowed to hold his hand and kiss him when he does stupid sweet things like buying her the book she's been eyeing and talking about all day. She's never wanted something to be so true so badly in her life. And it's likely this thought in her mind that causes her to blurt out "A date." before she even realizes what she's said.

That only makes the confusion on Chris's face go deeper, which is appropriate considering she's sinking deeper and deeper into her chair in a futile effort to hide or escape as well. "What? Are you saying that you just remember what date it is today? Or that you had something you were supposed to do today instead? I'm not really following you right now Ash..."

This is perfect. It's the perfect excuse, she could laugh and say that she totally forgot what day it was and that she had an essay due pretty soon, or that she was supposed to babysit for a neighbour tonight. Anything really, the sky was quite literally the limit. And instead she just bit her lip and stared at the ice cream melting in her hand before weakly admitting "No, a, uh, date. As in, the romantic kind. I realized that today probably looks like a date to anyone else. Funny, huh?"

She's not sure how Chris would react to that. Maybe a startled laugh, and hand wave as he brushes her off. A scoff as he assures her that this definitely isn't a date, cause they're just friends and that's all they'll ever be. Whatever the reaction she expected, it was certainly not the fumbling for his ice cream as he nearly drops it in his shock, and how absolutely flustered he sounds as he trips over his own tongue. "W-what? I-I-I, uh—I mean, th-this obviously isn't—Who would even—? Wh-what would even give you the idea that we could um, possibly be on a date?"

Ashley shrugs weakly. "Isn't it obvious Chris?" She ignores his even more flustered babbling that no, he absolutely did not see what was so obvious as she continued on, still too nervous to look him in the eyes. "You've kind of paid for everything today."

"I wha—? I mean, no I haven't!"

"You kind of have, Chris. The theater?"

"You know I always pay for the tickets, and it would have just been really rude to make the line even longer!"

"The art show?"

"It was just a couple of toonies! And you saw the face of the worker there, they would have kicked us right out if they'd had to break a twenty. It was just easier."

"Lunch?"

"They-they'd had a special on for a two-person meal at that stall in the food court, and they wouldn't let each of us pay half..." he neglected to point out that Ashley could have easily paid for their lunch, and probably should have, but before she had been able to offer he'd already been swiping his debit card.

"The arcade?"

"Okay, that was my turn to buy the tokens, you know that. That one doesn't even count."

Ashley lifted her eyes from the ice cream to the book that sat menacingly and innocently all at one at the center of the table, it's pristine cover mocking her. "The book?"

"T-that was just a gift! You seemed really into it at the store and friends buy each other gifts all the time—"

There was no describing how soft and nervous her voice got as she asked the question that would put the final nail in the coffin. "The ice cream?"

"I, uh, it was just—um..." Chris let out a breath in a weak chuckle. "Shit, I guess I kind of did, huh?"

Ashley doesn't say anything, and neither does Chris, as the table goes silent. She's bracing herself for when Chris inevitably shoots her down and confirms that it doesn't matter. That the two of them will never be anything more then friends and that she never should have hoped for anything more and by revealing this she's ruined their friendship for good—

"Hey, uh, Ash?" He sounds so nervous that it immediately takes Ashley out of her anxiety driven thoughts of doom and gloom, but she can't do anything more than just shakily nod to let him continue. "It's, uh, probably like a really, really, really stupid question but—" he takes a nervous breath "—did you want this to be a date?"

Her head immediately shoots up as she stares at him with wide eyes, her breath caught somewhere in her throat where her heart is currently lodged. She frantically rakes her eyes over Chris's face looking for any hint that he's mocking her, or playing some cruel joke on her and her feelings, but all she sees is just nervousness all over a pale, shaking face with what she thinks ( prays ) is a glimmer of undisguised hope. But it's still too much uncertainty, and she's too scared to risk it all on a mere glimmer that she is likely only imagining because she wants it so badly to be real, so she throws the question back at him instead.

"...would you have been opposed if this was actually a date?"

"Nuh uh, I asked you first."

Ashley realizes that he's just as scared at what the answer might be as she is. She wants to tell him, has wanted to tell him for years and years and years. And maybe this is the chance she's been waiting for her whole life. The two of them sitting at a sticky plastic table under the early evening sun, long forgotten ice cream melting in their hands, and she can finally tell him that she's had such a huge crush on him since she was twelve.

"Yeah." The word is less choked out than it is released. Like it's a breath of fresh air and she feels simultaneously lighter and heavier for it. "I-I think I would have liked that. I would have liked that alot."

Chris snaps his gaze up to meet hers, and the glimmer of hope that she had seen earlier has now nearly taken over his face at the disbelieving smile that's threatening to crack his face in two. "Really? I-I mean, uh, I would have been alright with the idea too. More than alright actually."

She can feel her own smile start to nervously match his, and then the first giggle breaks out. His own ecstatic laughter quickly follows her own until the two of them are both giddily laughing at the table, but too embarrassed and bashful to even look at each other now. The giggling abruptly cuts off when Chris lets out a yelp of surprise when he realizes how much of his ice cream has melted onto his hand and Ashley joins him in trying to finish off their ice cream before it's melted entirely. But there's definitely a change in the atmosphere around them now. The contentness and laid back ease that always formed between them whenever they hung out was still there, but there is a charge that hadn't been there before either. An excited anticipation that only surges higher and higher whenever Ashley shyly glances in Chris's direction to find he's looking at her with the same disbelieving smile beaming on his face.

They never say anything more about it as they both finish off the ice cream, but Ashley knows. With that little agreement, the entire day had changed. This wasn't just them hanging out as friends anymore, this was an actual, factual date now, pure and simple. So when Chris hands her a couple of extra napkins to clean herself off, she may have let her fingers brush against his for just a moment. The resulting blush and dumbstruck smile on his face when he cautiously took his hand back so he could clean up the rest of the mess on the table was oh so worth it. And when he returned from his trip to the garbage can and held out his hand as an offer to help her up from the chair, she accepted it readily.

Once she's back on her feet, the two of them drop their eyes to stare at their still clasped hands, realizing that they could easily hold hands the entire short walk back to Chris's truck if they wanted. And she does want that—horribly in fact—but it seems it's still a little too early for either of them to make that teeny tiny but monumental jump to hand holding so they let go awkwardly and slowly, letting their fingers linger against the others before letting go completely. As though giving themselves a taste of what may yet actually come to pass in the (hopefully) very near future.

The short walk back to the truck is filled with both anticipation and dread alike, but unusually silent. Ashley knows it's because she's now a buzzing ball of nervous energy, terrified that saying anything at all will shatter this dream that's apparently coming true before her eyes, but Chris is different. He looks more like he's trying to work up the courage to say or ask something, and is spending all his energy on that alone. So when he reaches out to open up the passenger side door for her, Ashley can feel her heart pick up speed when he stops with his hand on the door handle and looks at her nervously. His mouth opens and shuts a couple of times as he tries to work up the courage to say whatever it is he wants to say, and all she can do is stare at him expectantly as she struggles to hold back an excited smile.

"Hey, Ash, ca—nevermind. It's, it's stupid. Don't worry about it." A second later, he has the door opened for her and the moment she can't see his face, she lets her smile fall crestfallen. But only for a second before a polite one replaces it as thanks when he closes the door for her and continues to his side of the truck. It's fine, she supposes as she buckles herself in, while the two of them have been hanging out all day, it's only been an actual date now for barely ten minutes. And once he drops her off home in just another few short minutes it's going to be over. The fact that she even managed to get this far is franky mind blowing, so expecting anything more from her dreams would just be extremely selfish. She can't have everything she wants all at once, no matter how long she's been waiting for it.

The drive back to her place is also quiet, filled with only the droning of the radio playing in the background. Ashley's returned back to her book, but she knows that Chris knows that she's not absorbing a single word, hasn't turned a single page even. She keeps glancing at him out of the corner of her eye as he nervously taps at the steering wheel, and then tightening his grasp when it looks like he's going to say something, only to return to the nervous tapping when he inevitably backs out at the last second and returns to the frantic pep talk he's likely giving himself. The air that fills the vehicle is heavy and thick with anticipation and it's taking almost everything in Ashley to not start shaking the question out of Chris at every red light they stop at.

But, eventually, they pull up in front of her place and Chris stops the truck. There's a moment where the two of them just sit there, not wanting to leave because leaving means the end, and Ashley schools her face into a cheery smile in an effort to hide as much of the disappointment as she can when she turns to face him and bid him farewell, only to have it fall to confusion when he starts fumbling at his own seatbelt.

"Chris? What are you doing?"

He struggles further at it, frustrated that the buckle's apparently decided that now is the perfect time for it to stick once again. "Trying to get this fucking thing off."

"Yeah, I figured that much. But why are you trying to take it off, you're just gonna leave right away again anyway."

He slows his fumbling as cheeks start darkening in embarrassment. "I, uh, I just thought that was something you were supposed to do after a date, walk them to their door to stay goodnight. I mean, at least I think this is a date now? And, and only if you're okay with it! I can stay in here instead if you don't want me to. I was just hoping..."

The once forced cheery smile on her face is certainly not being forced any longer, if anything she's trying not to show how much the idea of Chris walking her to her door thrills her. "N-no!" Well, so much for trying not to show how desperately she wants that. The startled look he gives her at the unexpected outburst had her trying to control her voice into something less desperate, but considering she doesn't think she's ever going tame the frantic butterflies that have been flapping around non-stop in her stomach ever since the ice cream realization, she's probably doing a terrible job of it. "I-I mean if you want to, it's completely up to you after all..."

"Cool. Cool cool cool. Just, just give me a second." He continues to struggle with his seatbelt buckle, letting out more and more agitated curses escape the longer the thing continues to stick, and Ashley is getting the feeling that if he was able, Chris would have ripped the entire thing straight out of the seat by now. Broken safety laws and ensuing repair costs be damned. The moment he finally manages to unstick the traitorous buckle it's with a cry of victory and relief so exuberant that Ashley finds herself laughing in disbelief and awe that he had wanted to walk her the short ten or so feet to her front door that badly. Thankfully, for both of them, her seatbelt unclicks easily and much more quickly in comparison, only taking another couple of seconds to grab her bag from the footwell and joining him.

The far too short walk up to her door is over before either of them realize it. One second the two of them had been standing awkwardly and nervously by the truck as she fought the urge to reach out and grab his hand, and the next they're standing just as awkwardly and nervously (if not moreso) in front of the front door. Both of them waiting for the other to say or do something to break the tension, but cleanly aware that doing so would signal the very final end of the day, and the date. In fact, just knowing that Chris doesn't want this to end just as badly as her, is what gives her the courage to look at him with a surprisingly heartfelt and soft smile.

"Today was fun."

Chris lifts his eyes from where they had been staring at the dried leaves on the doorstep to match her smile. "Yeah. It was."

"And thanks. For the movie, and everything else." Ashley raises her hand to give the new and still shiny paperback a small wave. "And, you know, the book too. Of course."

"Yeah, it was no problem. Anytime." There's something with how he says the last bit—not really emphasizing it but making it clear all the same that he means 'anytime'—that causes her face to flush giddily as she pulls her lower lip in between her teeth in a weak effort to fight back against the ecstatic smile that forms anyway. And when she sees his eyes lower just a smidge to follow the motion and the way his shoulders stiffen in reaction, Ashley very quickly also finds she's trying (much more successfully) to hold herself back from just saying 'to hell with it' and throwing her arms around Chris so she can finally kiss him silly and until they're both breathless. But considering that she's too much of a coward to initiate something as innocent as hand holding apparently, there is absolutely no way that something as...as scandalous as kissing him on her doorstep is ever going to happen. Clearly.

And yet, she gives Chris another few seconds to try and work past that blockade in his throat, but when he still can't muster a single word, she decides to just put the both of them out of their misery. Or further into it. It's probably just the same thing really. "I guess I'll see you next time. I'll talk to you later, okay?" She turns away and puts her hand on the doorknob, and tucks the book under her arm so she can dig into her bag for keys, but is stopped when Chris's hand abruptly snakes out and wraps itself firmly around her wrist before she can reach into the bag. And it works—boy does it ever —turning back to him and the hand wrapped around her wrist as excitement just starts to bubble up inside of her.

A second later though, his brain has apparently caught up with the movement he clearly hadn't intended to make, because his face goes beet-red and he's dropped her hand so he can shove both into the pockets of his jeans. He averts his eyes so he's back to staring at the loose gravel and dried leaves under their feet.

"Oh, uh, sorry about that. I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine, Chris." Ashley tries to smile softly at him in reassurance, but it's considering she's gripping the doorknob in an almost vice-like grip in anticipation, it's likely far more eager than she would like. "What is it?"

Somehow, his face goes even redder and he blurts out the question so fast that it may as well have been one word. "CanIkissyou?!"

Immediately, Ashley's gaping at him wide-eyed and her mouth open in shock as her heart's beating so fast that she's pretty sure it's ready to burst out of her chest at any moment. "Wha—"

"I-I mean goodnight. Can I kiss you goodnight? That's what people are supposed to do on dates, right? A-a-a-and I think we agreed that this is a date now, or at least I really, really hope we did. Cause I've wanted to go on a date with you for the longest time and-and-and I didn't want Saundra or-or-or any of your neighbours to see cause I know that would just really embarrass you and me but I've been trying to ask you for the past thirty minutes now cause I've wanted to kiss you since forever but I was scared about how you would react cause I really, really, really like you Ash and I just wanna to kiss you so fucking bad right now you have no idea and—"

Ashley would like to believe that she's brave enough to throw her arms around Chris and drag him down into that searing kiss she's been dreaming about forever and ever, but she doesn't. Even with a confession that is everything she's ever wanted to hear and more. That's not to say that she doesn't want to do it—god does she want to do it—but she's so frozen in place from shock that she physically can't. So instead she just continues to gape at him as he (adorably) rambles on and on, and giggles out an elated little "okay".

His nervous rambling stops dead in its tracks, and he finally looks back up at her, nervous relief evident all over his face. "Really? I mean, are you sure? I'd understand if you didn't want to—"

" Chris ."

That immediately shifts the relief to a different kind of nervousness entirely, one of excited disbelief, but even then neither move to actually initiate this promised kiss for several seconds. Instead just staring at each other waiting for the other to be the first to move, Chris with his hands still in his jeans pockets and Ashley glued to the doorknob with her other hand frozen as it hovers over her bag. Finally, Chris is the first to slowly bend down to meet her awkwardly half turned body, and she unsteadily tries to rock herself onto the tips of her toes without losing her balance completely and falling over. And still, they both pause about an inch away from each other's faces, though whether to give the other an out if needed or just to work through the logistics of how to do this exactly without their foreheads or noses smashing into each other or Chris's glasses getting in the way is anyone's guess.

But finally, mainly due to the fact that Ashley can't lean forward anymore without falling completely on her face, Chris closes that final bit of distance and kisses her. It's a nervous brush of the lips really—a quick peck at best —but they jolt back from each other so quickly that the single action may as well have activated some hidden magnetic repel function that neither had been aware of until this moment. Both of them are staring at each other wide-eyed and breathless as the magnitude of what they had both finally managed to accomplish hit them. The kinda-sort confession and the almost hand holding meant absolutely nothing in comparison to this. Those she could have (and would most likely have) brushed off as her reading too much into innocent statements and gestures when she thought over everything that had happened today in the safety of her room later tonight. But this? This was physical proof .

Looking back, Ashley's not sure which of them moved first. One second they had been staring at each other in disbelief, stuck in the same awkward bent and leaning stature from before, and the next it's as if the magnetic attraction between them reverses its flow entirely. Chris is cupping her cheek with one hand as he kisses her in the way she always dreamed he would, his other hand slowly skating across the back of her neck so he can pull her up closer to him. The book that had once been clutched protectively under her arm was completely forgotten about—fallen to the ground with a sharp crunch as it crushed the dried leaves beneath their feet—as her arms wrapped possessively around his shoulders as she props herself as high as the tips her toes will allow her. She can still taste a hint of the chocolate from earlier on his lips, and the small part of her that isn't being blown away by all of this is wondering if he can taste the blueberry and chocolate on hers as well.

She's not sure how long the two of them stood there on her doorstep, kissing for all the world to see, but she does know that they still separate much, much too soon for her liking. Not that they fully separate of course. She may be back on the soles of her feet, but neither of them have removed themselves from the embrace itself. And with the way that Chris is lightly brushing his thumb over her cheekbone as he just stares at her with the same stupidly giddy grin she's got, Ashley would be perfectly fine if they could just stay standing like this forever.

"So..." she starts, and stops to take a moment to giggle when Chris bumps his nose into hers. "I think that was a perfectly acceptable first date if you ask me."

Chris doesn't let go of her when he leans back to consider her, the comically raised eyebrows in shock doing nothing to take away from the absolutely thrilled beam of his smile. " First date? Why Miss Brown, are you perhaps asking me out for a second one already?"

"I mean, if it's not too presumptuous of me, I suppose I am. I-if you're not opposed to it of course." She can't help the way her nervousness starts to bleed through with that last sentence, already panicking that she's somehow completely misread everything that's just happened and that maybe that kiss didn't mean as much to him as it did to her after all.

His next words completely derail those fears entirely. "Of course I'm not, I would love nothing more than to go on a second date with you. Followed by a third and fourth and even a fifth if you have the time for it."

"I mean, I'm a pretty busy girl but I think I can open up as many days in my schedule as it takes if I need to."

Before she knows it, the two of them are leaning in for another kiss when the sound of pot being dropped in the nearby kitchen through the open window jarringly brings them back to reality and the two of them let go of each other red faced and embarrassed. Oh no, how much of this had her mother heard? Or worse, saw? She wants to leave the doorstep (which is rapidly becoming her favourite place in the whole entire world) even less now, but the longer she takes the worse the excited interrogation from Saundra will be so she starts digging back into her bag to try and find her keys once again.

"I'll text you later, okay? And, maybe, we can talk some more about that second date...?"

The reply from Chris is flustered but eager. "Yeah, totally. I-I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Cool. And um, the next one's one me. The date that is. It's only fair after all."

"Yeah, right. Only fair. Totally. And, uh, your book..."

She finally finds her keys from where they had sunk to the bottom of her bag, and looks up at him and the paperback book that had fallen during their, uh, intimate embrace. "Oh! Uh, right. Thanks." She could easily leave it at that, but the last few minutes have made her bold so when she reaches out to take the book back from him, Ashley curls her fingers over his and bounces onto the balls of her feet so she can give him one last kiss on his cheek—almost the corner of his mouth really—before finally stepping back with the book and keys in her hand. "I mean it. Thanks . For everything."

"Yeah. No problem. It was my pleasure."

She lets herself have one last glimpse of the stupefied grin on his face just as he turns to walk just a little unsteadily down the path back to his truck. The only sounds being the leaves crushing underfoot and the jangle of metal as she sticks her keys into the door to finally unlock it. A sound that it quickly interrupted by not only the click of the door unlocking, but a muffled shout.

Alarmed, she turns quickly expecting to see Chris having accidentally shut his coat into the door as he is sometimes known to do when the weather gets colder, but instead watches in elated shock as he continues to keep energetically flapping his arms and fist pumping into the air and screaming what she can vaguely make out as 'yesyesyesyesYESYESYES' over and over again.

Suddenly it hits her. Despite the shy confession over ice cream, and then the much more rushed and rambled one only minutes ago, and followed by the kiss(es) that are still sending her heart into rapid fire, Ashley still hadn't believed what all the evidence had been saying. Chris liked her. He really, really liked her. Possibly as much as she liked him even! This wasn't just a one-off event that would now make things awkward between them for the rest of their lives. This was happening. They'd just had a first(!!!!) date and after Chris had kissed her goodbye, she had asked him out for a second one.

And he had accepted .

Ashley fumbled with the door and the moment she was in the house, slammed the door behind her, not even bothering to lock it. She let her bag fall from her shoulder to the floor with a soft thump and slowly slid down the door until she was sitting against it with her eyes wide and breathless. She ignored the surprised clatter coming from the kitchen as Saundra immediately dropped whatever it was she had been doing in and held up the book so she could stare at the once innocuous cover in amazement.

He had bought her this book and the ice cream because he liked her and he had gladly and excitedly accepted to go out on another date with her. And even more if he had been serious about that third date and beyond line.

And not that either would ever know it, Ashley mirrored Chris at that exact moment by placing her head into her hands and screaming as the built up joy and bliss finally exploded out of her.

#pride month prompt challenge #my writing #until dawn #chris hartley #ashley brown #chrashley #take two of trying post this stupid thing!#tumblr deleted the last one >:(#but this one actually copied over the italics so that saves me a shit ton of time if im being honest

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holyhalliwells · 3 years

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imo, the show was often unilaterally focused on Piper, but only on what she could do for others (Piper the wife and Piper the mother) rather than who she was as a person. Piper's individual characterization was lost sometime around s5 as soon as she got pregnant, and being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series. I would be very interested to hear what you define as Piper's mental issues/trauma, bc as you say it doesn't get said enough

this has been in my inbox forever and i’m just getting around to it so my apologies.

but okay. so. yes. i think a lot of tv shows fall into this weird place where like. all of their characters begin with these kinda vague personalities because you’re just getting to know them. and as the show goes on, you pick up more pieces and stuff . and that’s great. that’s interesting and entertaining and it takes you on a journey and all. but often what happens is many shows fall into this pit where writers either get lazy, they change, or whatever, and the actors are tired of playing the part or whatever . and like. the characters become like. caricatures of themselves. and it just gets exhausting to watch because they’re not like. real people anymore.

Piper's individual characterization

so now for the charmed thing. so from the beginning. i have loved piper. like she’s the middle sister, overlooked, quiet, reserved, pessimistic but also realistic, gentle, thoughtful, all that. we see right away that she loves to cook .. she’s so happy her family is back together. she kept in touch with phoebe behind prue’s back. but she’s loyal to the both of them. her first idea was to have a reunion dinner when phoebe came home. she’s literally so cute n she deserves a hug. but no like. as we go on, we see that she wants to be good, she wants a stable life with no more loss, she Loves Love !! like. she wants to just be happy , open her own restaurant n just cook. she’s also so shy .. definitely panicky and anxious. and she doesn’t trust herself. she’s skeptical of everything, and she’s very thoughtful when it comes to big situations. even in the early days with leo and into season 2, she mentioned a few things about like “i’ve been thinking a lot about this...” and you can see she’s good at communicating with people. she’s also got these other dimensions to her like . she is interested in lots of cuisine types, she loves to read (and is a camus fan !!) , she drives a jeep (which i wanna know how she got bc i have questions), when she found out she was a witch her first thought was just . i need to go and see if i am still a good person . and she went to church. prue was surprised to learn that piper enjoys knitting. in the early seasons (especially mid-late season 3) we saw her with her plants and all. she’s just this natural peacekeeper. but like. we literally got a crying scene in the second episode because she was so conflicted about this. and she’s such a deep and complex character that i fell in love with so fast . and like . literally my favourite fictional character to exist . genuinely holly breathed so much life into piper . anyway . so. here’s the thing.

being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series

like. piper was who i described above. and like . i kinda think . a bit. that like . the writers . especially in s4 . were like . hmm well . she’s just lost prue, she’s gonna be grieving . and like we need more for her. so. she’s been married to leo for the better part of a year, been with him for like . 3 years. so. let’s maybe consider giving them a kid but not just yet . just Content kinda stuff. so anyway they drop little hints in here and there starting in like . 4x07 i think? which . brain drain really paid the rent . fully just. holly did so well. but like. that ep was just. a neat way of looking into her mind and seeing the horrors of manipulation and gaslighting and everything . and of course holly knocked it out of the park. but at that point, they were kinda like . hmm . kids ? and they started toying with the idea, having piper and leo consider it, talk about it, they had paige and phoebe ask about it , all of that good stuff. as you do. made for some funny tv at some points. and like . i really, really Get It . when piper’s like . ahh the baby wouldn’t be safe around here !!!! like. Girl, Valid . your sister just died and like . you went on forever about how she was The Most Powerful One . The Strongest One . and yet she still died . so she’s like ??? am i next ?? and like obv it doesn’t make sense for her to jump on this train of like . i’m gonna have a kid !!!! so she’s really valid in her thought process there. and like. after having wyatt . i think the writers really . idk. couldn’t do waaay too much with her character anymore because i feel like . to an extent, anything she does will be scrutinized bc i’m not just . saying this . i rlly feel like sometimes piper’s the easiest to hate. like idk why but i loved her. but anyway. if she stays at home with wyatt and doesn’t wanna fight demons n all . then she’s selfish towards her sisters n she’s awful n prue wouldn’t have let her do that !!!! etc . but if she fought demons it’s like . uh sweetie you have a child . really ??? why put yourself in a situation that might have you ending up like patty 2.0 ... bc i could do a Whole post on how patty’s situation messed piper up the most. but anyway.

it’s the way i’m fully rambling so if you’re reading this . i love you . anyway okay . so . i think in a tv show you’ve gotta kinda check boxes. the best tv shows have characters you see yourself in . you relate to them. you hear them and understand their decisions and actions and thoughts. the things they do just makes sense 2 you. so like. with prue, anyone married to their job could relate to her. any oldest sibling could see themselves in her, you know ? she was hard-working, committed, logical, protective. and with phoebe, anyone who couldn’t “settle down” in their early 20s related 2 her, anyone who felt like the outcast of the family, the “screw-up” .. right. makes sense. she was so kind, caring, had-your-back kinda girl. we all love those. paige was like . the new kid, trying to fit in, creative, curious, and definitely a lifelong learner. and then there’s piper who was shy, resistant, really just wanted to be normal. and loved. and i think everyone could kinda identify with at least one of the sisters regardless of where you stood in your own family. so as the show went on, it’s like . they still want you to keep watching and keep being able to identify with them because it’s not like they’re humans with normal lives so they’ve already kinda lowkey got that going against them . so their more “human” and normal lives... we’ve gotta be able to identify with them to be able to invest time. so they had prue always working, having trouble balancing love and work, looking out for her family. we had phoebe kinda living her life, getting her career going, then kinda wanting a family. we had paige learning magic and being super interested and involved and then getting married. and we had piper who had her career pretty early on, got married, and had kids. like. i think the big thing is the marriage and kids. and when you’re a mother . the only mother really in the show, the show lowkey centres around you . like. for starters, the show usually is in the manor, and if you’re a mother, you’re very likely at home, esp with young kids. so i think that alone kinda was like . huh yeah . won’t see piper out waaay too much anymore i guess !!! but no like . there’s That. that’s kinda. the thing that really can’t change with the show . like. piper’s got kids now and a husband and very, very likely . her life will be centred around her home. which. listen she’s wanted that i think - the stability . she’s wanted that forever. and this is the form it came in. but i should stop rambling here and cut to the point .

Piper's mental issues/trauma

disclaimer: i’m not diagnosing her, i’m just speculating based off of my own experiences with mental health

so. okay. very early on. we saw that anxiety. like. yes . she was nervous about like a whole new life experience . or whatever we’re gonna call it when you figure out you’re a witch . but like she was Anxious . like. crying in the attic over being a bad person . needing phoebe to talk her down by telling her she’s such a caring person, she’s always doing things for other people . and then there’s the whole anxiety that comes with. my family’s falling apart because my sisters are fighting so i use really awkward methods of getting out of things . like using humour as a coping mechanism !!! which. gave us some iconic one-liners. but that’s beside the point . anyway. point is. early on, that anxiety was there. there’s an ep in season 1 where she’s literally entering a panic attack in her kitchen and phoebe’s using a menu to cool her down. like. Yikes! and then she’s just. her awkward self around everyone but that’s endearing and is just part of her personality . and i think a lot of the anxiety stemmed from childhood. we heard a few times about how prue and phoebe had boyfriends growing up, were always pretty and popular and all. phoebe was popular, too, just, in the other crowd. but nonetheless, piper faded into the background, doing well in math - well enough to go off and be a banker . and like. she sacrificed a lot for grams. she stayed in san francisco ... we all know the girl had the marks for stanford or something . like. though . still, i think she liked the stability of home and prob would’ve stayed . but in 3x17 she’s all !!! grams !!! the doctor said no caffeine !!! and when grams was taking the pic of them outside and she had an episode , piper was all !!!! shallow breaths !!! like. it was clear piper was the one taking her to the appointments and footing the bill. like. she literally became a banker just bc it had benefits n stuff. like. poor girl really thought . anyway that’s a whole spiral. but no. like she really sacrificed The Most for her family and everyone still thought she was selfish for wanting to move out . when like back then grams was literally ... sick ... and prue was out here moving out and phoebe was nowhere to be found . so. that . definitely would have added to her anxiety about even wanting to do anything for herself because she’ll be perceived as selfish in a heartbeat. even if it’s not Mean . it’s just. she’d never risk it. but there’s the anxiety. there are a few lil things here n there about how she gets nervous n stuff, she represses things (3x07 i think was where phoebe said piper represses her anger n just sucks it up n does whatever) . she literally cancelled her doctor’s appointment Twice . anyway. it still angers me. then in season 7 . patty and victor were like . oh she had night terrors that were so bad we took her to the doctor ! and i just ... honey . baby. she thought she caused the divorce. at 4? 5? she watched victor leave on her 5th birthday, watched a demon attack her, grams, and victor. prue said she didn’t cry at patty’s funeral and i’ll make a safe bet that piper did. and i think growing up without patty was strange for sure. prue had more memories and phoebe had none. and piper had fragments of this person everyone loved . and she was stuck between knowing her and not knowing her. and when patty was sent to her for her wedding day, (as well as in 1x17) . both times when patty hugged them . prue and phoebe hugged her, eyes closed n all. while piper was on the outside, eyes open . looking numb as all hell . and you know. i rlly think she was Giving Them That because phoebe didn’t get her and prue kinda . in a way. lost more of her . if that makes sense ?? and i just. patty really was like . they sent me to You. and 5 seconds later . piper’s like . they sent mom to Us !!! and it’s that idea of sacrifice and never having anything for yourself because she was never just . given anything for herself . everything in her life has been a sacrifice and as a mother, that’s perpetuated. she can assume that role with more of a purpose . like. people won’t really feel sorry for her now as the “forgotten” sister, they won’t try and coddle her or anything. and another thing. control. piper craved stability and control. i think while cooking was something she loved, it also gave her a lot of control . she could control her whole kitchen . even in season 8 .. maybe vaya con leos actually . leo mentioned how much piper craves control. and the control motif makes sense with her powers too. like. piper craved control so much that her powers allowed her to control things down to the atom. so there’s the whole anxiety and needing to control things to ease her anxiety and all. there’s That whole thing.

and then we get to the infamous season 5 fearless spell . ms girl really sat in the attic just writing everything on the wall and it’s the way i screenshotted it and like . zoomed in and tried deciphering it . and like . there’s words like “stop” and i think “sister” is in there a few times, so is “loss” or “lost”. when i watch it next i’ll grab a cap because it’s . disturbing. girl was so scared . literally was writing a spell to get rid of her fears . she also writes Fear . as in. capital F . and like. yeah that’s deep but i do it too like i emphasize words with a capital letter . and like holly marie combs might just have quirky n fun writing but like ... capital F . for Fear. for real . that’s . trauma !!! and she also was having panic attacks at the beginning of season 5. let’s not forget those. which ... we should’ve gotten more of an explanation for . i hope that girl is getting help bc she was Going Through It . and in season 7 when zankou reads her diary . firstly. we Knew this girl kept a diary like . for Sure . she did. and just that little excerpt of when prue died . oops. i’d pay big money to see the rest because again i just think she’s got such a complex mind and like. i’d be so interested to read that. and i think everything re: prue is just Awful for her. like . idk if this is just something quirky i noticed but obv we know prue died in may 2001 . but at the end of 4x03, when piper goes 2 paige’s work 2 bring her muffins !! soft !!! the calendar on one of the desks reads july 2001 ... and i really just. ms girl. i Know they prob just filmed the ep in july but it honestly tracks that she’d be so awfully upset about everything and just . barely able to do anything but cook . for 2 months. like. honey. baby. i wanted 2 just cuddle her bc she was so sad. and like. she tells paige she’s having “good hours” and “not so good hours” . she’s going by the Hour . by the Hour . just. need i say more . i’m so . but no like. if anything like i could see her having like . depression where she’s high-functioning and like just . walking depression i guess ?? like . not even after prue. i think in general. like . she definitely has a melancholic temperament and a type 6 enneagram (the skeptic). that’s For Sure . but i think. just. she’s always just had time to think bc she’s always alone, reading, knitting, cooking, tending to her plants, all that. and i just . think. she has issues. and i think prue knew that. of all people. and i think her knowing that . and then dying. destroyed piper. she lost the last person that was truly a constant in her life . like they shared a roof over their heads forever. and then she was just . gone . and piper was suddenly left to pick up the pieces . and become the oldest sister . and i’m So glad she didn’t fully assume her personality. i’m glad she stayed as piper . just. she’s more cynical and snarky and defensive and cold and that’s okay. she’s hurting. she’s always gonna hurt . and i think it makes her human . she’s pessimistic and sad and has a short fuse at times . but just. again. i love her to bits and i think those issues make her more relatable for me. because while many like to say she became selfish and a negative person and just . awful to be around . i’d say the opposite . i won’t sit and apologize or justify things. also i don’t think piper’s done anything wrong . i just think she’s hurt. she’s been wronged so many times. and she’s .... scared. i think she’s scared . and in season 5 “sympathy for the demon” we learn her true biggest fear is her happiness being stolen away. and like . it’s not that she’s scared she won’t be happy. she’s scared all of the good she’s got will be taken from her . and that’s . terrifying . so . i see why she’s so snarky and bitter and tired and all . she’s terrified of things being taken from her like they have been her whole life. and as i watch the show i really like to just keep that in mind as i get further and further in because yes. she did become a mother and a wife and we saw her arguing with leo a lot and their marriage falling apart and That Whole Era . we saw how it kind of took over her life but i think it happens . i think she even said at one point . i’ve been so many things to so many people, i don’t know who i am anymore . and i think it sums her up perfectly. she doesn’t know who she is because she’s someone to everyone . she’s just. nobody to herself except this scared little girl who just wants Something . Anything . to make sense . some Stability . and her babies, her husband, and her sisters . are all she has for that idea of stability to make sense in her mind. and it was an easy hole to fall into - the Mother - but i think she jumped in. because at the Very Least . nobody could take that title away from her . regardless of how hard they tried .

#i really cannot believe i did an entire ted talk #like did anyone actually read this #if you did . wow #piper halliwell deserved better #tw: mental health #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: panic attack #but no listen #she deserved so much better #holly paid rent #ask me #charmed #ramble #💌

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gemmassong · 3 years

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So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother.

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better.

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction.

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why.

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up.

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like?

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important.

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore.

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else.

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it.

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it.

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

#Maddie talks #Weird thoughts mostly #Don't expect anyone to actually read but hey #that's not what this blog is there for so why not word vomit just for my future self

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wendibird · 4 years

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SPN 15X15 Observations

The saga of my shitty cable/internet provider continues. This week I was again watching it on my computer through the streaming app since TV still isn’t getting reliable reception, and my internet connection kept dropping! (Luckily, I’ve also set it to record, so I was able to re-watch the episode after it aired.) So, my notes are much less coherent probably, and I’ve had a long day so my after-episode thoughts probably are too.

Everything else under the cut for those who wish to avoid spoilers and all my rambling:

- Connor isn't going to last long. - wtf? (freaky teddy bear!) - "she and I used to have a thing"? Seriously Dean? - Cas: "Sam?" (aka "Please be the reasonable one.") - soooooo much salt from Cas. - "Agent Swift!" - BABY YODA!!!! - I think the crossroads thing is Cas just making a phone call more or less. - Cas, there are NEVER "too many cats". - LOL I love Cas' literalness - Eeeeee..... love them bonding. - Hrm. So there's definitely a karmic element to these killings. I mean, "Lair" seemed like a bit of a stretch for the other kid, unless the "lie" was in him agreeing with the snobby girls. But I have a feeling this lady here is going to end up with something like "thief" carved into her. (So, thoughts: Avenging Angel? Just Deserts? Probably something new.)

- Also I feel like there was maybe something in that "previously" scene that I don't remember seeing before. (Was talking about Dean going into detail about needing to take Amara out as well as Chuck. I remember part of that conversation, but some parts felt "new" to me? Though I've only seen through this current season once, so I might just not be remembering everything right.) - Sam's worried/concerned about Jack! <3 - "At least this time it's not you and me." Oh man does that feel like foreshadowing. - Not sure I trust the pastor. - I've been watching this show too long. They all feel sketchy. Especially the girl with the headband. *LOL* - Oh man. Are they really going "Torture Porn" on us again? (Apparently) - His (Jack’s) Mom died 3 years ago too. - "I have more dads than most." <3 - "Put your trust in God." Wow. *LOL* Poor Jack. - Cas, you're totally one of his dads. But yes. It is complicated. - Ahhh. Maybe that's what the "Liar" thing was about. (Connor being gay and hiding it?) - Hi Amara! (My cat wants to get into my closet.)

- Amara's still in relatively light colors.

(Stupid internet signal is being a pain)

- I wish I knew what was going on.

(Aaaaand more internet problems)

- I love Cas! (still confused about what's going on.)

- So, what's with the random demon in the squad car? - Dammit.... I had a feeling Jack would end up having to die to kill Chuck and Amara.

(OKAY! Now that the episode is over, I'm going to re-watch parts of it so I can find out what the hell I missed! (still irritated))

- Jack HAS one of those teddy's! I wonder which one got it for him.... (My guess is Sam or Cas) - Maybe it was Zack in the cop car at the end? He DID say he was really bored. - Reason why I was thinking it might be something supernatural was because the one who did it seemed to know in advance who they were going after, but that lady just now stole from the poor box. So, how did the daughter know? Unless she'd done it before? Hrm. - Minor note: "We've been on the road almost two days." WTF? SPN doing somewhat realistic travel times?! *LMAO* - Trying to tell what's in her other hand. Looks like it's duct-taped closed into a fist around something. A transmitter maybe? It's an odd detail that I don't think gets explained. - So, did she call him a "liar" because she saw the two of them as having dated and then he came out as gay at some point? - So, they're just gonna leave the Impala there while it's gassing up? *LOL* - I still love Cas for this part. Sharing his "Journey". - Okay, got to see the guys' talk with Amara. (At least the first half of it.) I still think it's risky for Dean to tell her about Jack even being a player on the board. Though I get that he had to give her SOMETHING so she would get that the threat is credible. That they actually CAN do something against Chuck. - Also, SPN can't settle on its history. *LOL* But that's nothing new. Back in S5 it was God and Death and Death couldn't remember who came first. Then at the end of Season 10 we got an updated version with the Darkness (Who didn't seem to have met Death prior to her imprisonment.) Now, Darkness and God were twins. - Ewwwwww.... dead guy. - Wow.... They actually textualized that. (About Mary.) - He sounded like he meant it when he said "I will never hurt you." - I still love Cas being a subtle badass. - Jack... it's NOT the only way... (And I'm pretty sure Sam HAS forgiven Jack. But I don't think they've really talked.)

SO.

I apologize that my "notes" this time are a train-wreck, but so was my internet connection, so sadly, this is what happens when I watch part of the episode, miss some important bits, and watch most of the rest of it (while still missing more bits) and then when it's finally over I can finally go back and re-watch the bits I'd missed. And I wound up mostly just re-watching the whole thing again anyway. And some things definitely made more sense, and I definitely noticed some things I hadn't caught the first time.

I know a lot of people aren't going to like it because it mostly featured Cas and Jack while being light on the brothers. (But there WAS some good brother content!) I did enjoy it well enough though. (Like, it's not gonna make my top 10 total episodes, but I liked it better than a lot of the ones earlier this season.)

Organizing my thoughts is gonna be a bit hard (I've had a long day) but I'll make an attempt here.

Cas and Jack's arc: It definitely had a more old-school SPN horror vibe to me, though more like some of the newer horror movies (like Saw and the like) and I think both characters were written well. We had two awkward angels who still don't get all things human, but they obviously care. There was also a lot of talk about God in a way that I felt made both of them feel awkward considering their perspective on Chuck. I do still wonder though about some of the details of what Sylvia was doing. Like, I get how she'd probably been stewing about the one boy for a while. But the lady (could never quite tell if it was Valerie or Mallory) had literally JUST stolen from the donation box when she stepped outside into the trap laid for her. So, was this maybe a habit of her's? How would Sylvia have known about it beforehand? And also, what was with the crossroads demon at the very end posing as/possessing a police officer? Is he going rogue because he's bored? Is he acting on some weird kind of orders? I saw some theories about maybe the Dad made a crossroads deal to spring his daughter, but... I dunno. Unless it's supposed be a tease for something to come later, it feels odd and random.

Overall, I did really like Cas in this episode. I thought his blend of salt, cluelessness, and altruism was good, and I loved what he said about his past, and how he found his new purpose. Because he has been drifting quite a bit since he lost his original purpose. But he definitely seems to have found it again with Jack. So naturally he gets to find out that Jack is fated to die taking out God and the Darkness. *sigh* Dude CANNOT catch a break! Also, JACK! I love him so much! (And honestly, I'd had suspicions already that this is what had been troubling him. I'm glad he finally told one of his dads at least.)

Also, just wanna reiterate, I loved that bit at the beginning when Dean suggests Cas and Jack go tackle this case "that probably isn't anything (supernatural)" and he turns to Sam like "Please be the sane one here." (My hope/headcanon is that Sam encouraged him to go because he knows something has been troubling Jack, and if Jack won't open up to Sam about it, maybe he was hoping he'd open up to Cas at least. Then maybe SOMEONE could help him. But I don't know if the writers are thinking that deeply about Sam.)

Speaking of Sam and Dean... Okay, overall I thought their part of the episode was okay for what we saw. Like, the brother talk in the Impala, mild bickering about driving times and regular mundane stuff. Also their talk with Amara had some GOOD emotional beats in it. For Dean and Amara. Sam was mostly just there. And then he wasn't even there for the main part. So... *sigh* It's not that I begrudge Dean having that moment. I mean, he definitely had more of a connection to Amara than Sam did. But it still feels like not much really happened with him besides being a soundingboard and showing some concern for Jack. Hopefully we get more of him actually being important to the plot in upcoming episodes.

But let me reiterate that I DID like the talk Dean and Amara had! I'm glad that she textualized something that I know a lot of fans have theorized about Mary and her purpose narratively. That prior to her resurrection she had been put on this pedestal, but Dean and Sam were actually able to get to know the real woman. That the real woman was better than the memory because she WAS real. Flaws and all. (Not that I blame Dean for being angry.) I'm just glad that it was said outright. Because I got the feeling from some of the things Samantha Smith has said at cons that that was part of the point of Mary's character since S12, to make her real. And I know a lot of people couldn't see past her flaws and still hate her. (I DO think some things could have been handled better with her character, but that's not the point of this long rambly post today.) Also, when Dean said that he could never hurt her? It felt like him telling the truth. Maybe he was able to get that feeling across because technically he WAS telling the truth, since the plan is for Jack to be the one doing the hurting. But I dunno.

Anyway, overall I thought it was a decent episode. It had some good character moments in it, and considering I thiiiiink the next episode is going to be very Sam and Dean heavy, I'm not gonna begrudge Cas and Jack some screentime in this one since things are likely going to be getting dicey here fairly soon.

(And again, I apologize for how scattered this is this time.)

P.S. Oh, and one last thing before I forget. Especially after last episode, I find it odd that Jack still thinks BOTH brothers haven't forgiven him. I get why he would think that about Dean. The dude outright said it was going to take some time. But Sam, as far as we've seen has been shown to be supportive of Jack. So, I wonder if it's because Jack still hasn't forgiven himself? Or if it's because maybe he and Sam haven't really talked about that whole issue, so maybe Jack thinks Sam is just avoiding it? (Or if the writers are just lumping Sam&Dean together again because WHY would anyone see them as two separate entities? *salty*) Because if anyone in this show SHOULD be aware that the brothers don't always think the same it should be Jack. Because from the start Sam has tended to hold a different stance in regards to him than Dean. *sigh* Ah well. We'll see how things fall out. Especially considering what Cas (I’m assuming anyway) told Dean about Jack and Billy’s plan.

#spn 15x15 spoilers #spn season 15 spoilers #episode review #my thoughts #mine internet doth sucketh #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #the darkness/amara

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years

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1. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? It’s been awhile since we have an argument, but we often bicker about things concerning me and health stuff. They get frustrated and they worry about me, which I get, but it’s just hard. I know what I need to do, it’s just actually doing it.

2. Do you still live at home or with a guardian of some sort? If so, when do you plan on moving out, if ever? If you have moved out, how did your relationship to your parents change after that? I do still live at home with my parents, younger brother, and our dog. I don’t have any plans for the foreseeable future to move out. It’s best for me to live at home at this time and I’m fine with it. 3. When was the last time you were diagnosed with something? Are you concerned about anything regarding your physical or mental health at the moment? I haven’t been diagnosed with anything new in awhile. I’m just dealing with ongoing, chronic stuff. I’m very concerned about things regarding my physical and mental health. It’s not good right now. 4. What’s the longest you’ve gone without talking to other people? How did this affect you? Some days I’m in an extra moody mood and I just keep quiet and to myself, saying little to anyone and when I do it’s short. However, outside of my immediate family that I live with, I haven’t spoken to friends and family for a long time. Some in almost 2 years.

5. What is one blanket judgment you tend to make about people (like, you judge all people who live at home, all people who drink, etc)? Does this judgment come from a particular personal experience? Ha, well I definitely can’t judge people who still live at home with their parents cause exhibit A here. I guess a blanket judgment I might make is when people just don’t own up to their faults or hurtful behavior and just sit there and try to lie to your face instead of admitting to their issues or justifying it in some way. It’s frustrating with people like that. 6. What is something seemingly small and inconsequential that will cause you to avoid a person? Uhh. I admit to distancing myself from people, particularly guys that I’m interested in, because I don’t want to bother them and I want them to reach out to me cause then I know they really do want to talk to me. It’s so completely stupid and childish, though. It also always backfires because then neither one of us will message the other and then more and more time passes by. It hasn’t worked in my favor at all. I don’t know if that quite answers the question, but it’s what came to mind. 7. Does it bother you to see certain traits of yours in others? Do you know why you have this reaction? I don’t like seeing other people be hard on themselves and put themselves down like I always do to myself. I don’t like when others are hurting.

8. What was the last meal you skipped? Do you skip meals often or do you try to avoid that? I pretty much always skip breakfast. it’s quite rare that I ever have it. 9. How do you react to other people yelling or slamming doors? Is this something you ever do too? It’s not pleasant. 10. Is there anything you rely on someone else to do for you, or anything someone else relies on you to do for them? Yeah, there’s a few things. Some things I need help with and can’t do on my own. 11. What was the last thing you had for breakfast? I will say that now and then there are two days a week that my mom has the opening shift at work and she’s up getting ready when I’m still up, so she’ll make me some eggs or oatmeal. That happened Monday and she has the opening shift today. 12. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? Yeah, there’s a small amount of foods that I eat and most days I have some of the same things. I am a picky eater, but there’s also some other factors that contribute to my weird eating habits and the certain foods I eat. I used to be such a foodie until a couple years ago. As for foods that are commonly enjoyed by others that I don’t like, I don’t eat sushi or any seafood. I feel like everyone else loves sushi. 13. Do you have a favorite stuffed animal or anything that you sleep with? Where did you get it and what makes it a favorite? I don’t have any I sleep with, but I have a TON of giraffe stuffed animals. I’ve gotten them from various places over the years. 14. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Noooope. I’m very self-conscious about my body and my looks. Especially nowadays. I don’t like much of my personality either, except for my sense of humor and I consider myself to be understanding. The only thing about my appearance that I like is my hair after it has recently been colored and layered. Until the roots start showing and the color fades some, it looks nice. 15. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? I often will think like, “Ooh I like that shirt” or “I really like their hair” or something, but I don’t often say anything unless I know the person. Like people I don’t know will compliment me on my hair or my purse, but I’m not one to do that. I’m too shy for that. Compliments are nice, but I’m so awkward about it.

16. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? Some photos of Alexander Skarsgard from the new show he’s in, The Little Drummer Girl. I like more stuff than I reblog, but it really just varies. Like if there’s new photos of Alex and my dash is like full of stuff, I’ll reblog a lot. And like on Wednesdays for example, I reblog a lot after American Horror Story and Riverdale air. 17. Do you tend to reblog or make your own personal posts more often? On my main blog, I’m a reblogger. I haeven’t made a personal post on there in quite some time. This side blog is all personal posts. 18. When was the last time you felt like you had no one to talk to? When you can’t talk to anyone about your problems, what are some ways you cope alone? I feel that way a lot, even though I do. I know I could talk to my mom and I have friends who would be there for me if I let them, but... I tend to just keep to myself or vent and ramble on here. 19. Who in your life do you get along with best? How about the least? How often do you have to interact with these people? There isn’t anyone in my life that I don’t get along with, but I’m definitely closest to my mom and younger brother. 20. Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. 21. What was the last important event or holiday celebration you attended? Was this something you wanted to be a part of, or did you only go begrudgingly? The last important event I attended were a few graduations last year. 22. When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? What about the last time you did something right just because it was right? Hmm. I guess by not doing some things that I should be doing, and I know I should be doing, regarding my health. 23. When you do good things, do you do them because you want some sort of reward or recognition or do you do them just for the sake of being good? I like to do things for others because I genuinely enjoy it. 24. When was the last time you felt especially appreciated? What about unappreciated? I don’t feel I’ve done anything to be appreciated for in a long time. 25. When you fill out social media bios and such, how do you typically describe yourself? Is describing yourself something you have a difficult time doing? I hate doing that cause I never know what to say. I’m just like, “Hey, I’m Steph” or I’ll just be like Steph|29|CA. lol. 26. Do you feel like you have a good idea of who you are as a person? What you like, what you stand for, what you feel, etc? With some things, but there’s also a lot that I don’t understand about myself or am still trying to figure out. 27. What is one unusual belief you have? Has anyone ever made fun of you for your beliefs? Hmm. I don’t know. 28. What is something that brings you a lot of comfort? I don’t know. 29. When was the last time someone apologized to you? What about the last time you apologized? Are apologies easy or difficult for you? I don’t recall for either one. I certainly have some apologies to make, though. :/ I can admit when I’m wrong and am quick to blame myself anyway, but I just don’t know how to explain to certain people that I need to apologize to what is going on that or even what to say. I don’t feel an apology is good enough at this point. 30. What was the last thing someone else bought for you? My brother bought me Starbucks and lunch a couple days ago.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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violetevents · 6 years

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apple slices for the soul

pairing: shane madej/ryan bergara word count: 1,4k summary: Ryan sniffles miserably, and burrows himself deeper into the pillows of his couch. He could really use something to drink, preferably a nice cup of tea, but that would require him getting up, which is something that is just very much not happening right now. The TV is playing some lame home decorating program that is honestly grating on his nerves, but he lost the remote control about an hour ago and he genuinely can’t be bothered to find it.

Overall, Ryan’s not having a really great day.

Or, Ryan's sick and Shane comes to the rescue. Things go haywire when Ryan accidentally confesses something he maybe shouldn't have. a/n: this was supposed to be a short drabble about the insta story ryan posted in which he said he was sick today and then it... kind of got away from me. anyway, a shyan sick fic, because we can never have enough of those.

Also on AO3 here :)

Ryan sniffles miserably, and burrows himself deeper into the pillows of his couch. He could really use something to drink, preferably a nice cup of tea, but that would require him getting up, which is something that is just very much not happening right now. The TV is playing some lame home decorating program that is honestly grating on his nerves, but he lost the remote control about an hour ago and he genuinely can’t be bothered to find it.

Overall, Ryan’s not having a really great day.

He’s just about considering getting up anyway, because he really wants that cup of coffee, when the door of his apartment suddenly opens. Shane appears, looking disheveled and flushed, like he ran here, holding a bag of groceries. “Shane?” Ryan asks, voice rasping, not entirely convinced Shane isn’t a fever dream. His entire being seems too good to be true on any given day, let alone when Ryan is alone and sick and miserable.

“Hey Ryan,” Shane smiles softly at him, and takes of his shoes and coat. “How’re you feeling, buddy? Steven told me you’d called in sick.” The ‘why didn’t you tell me’ goes unspoken, but Ryan winches anyway. He didn’t tell Shane for obvious reasons, mostly because he doesn’t want Shane to see him this gross and pathetic. But, well, too late now.

“I’m sorry,” he says, though he’s not sure what he’s apologizing for. Being sick, maybe. Maybe for not telling Shane.

“Don’t worry about it,” Shane waves it away, “I brought you soup.” He adds, and Ryan can’t help but let out a quiet wheeze.

“Soup? Where did you get that idea? A how to guide for sick people?”

Shane frowns at him, “Actually I called my mom,” he says, and Ryan genuinely can’t tell if he’s serious or not. If he is, that’s kind of endearing. Ryan’s heart makes a weird flip, which is unfortunate, because he absolutely does not have the mental capability to deal with feelings right now.

“I just…” He pauses. Shane is here, and he brought soup, and Ryan is in love with him, and he’s not sure how to deal with any of these things right now, so instead he just says, “I could really use some tea right about now.”

“One tea, coming up!” Shane says, and disappears into the kitchen. As he leaves the room, Ryan realizes he never even considered asking Shane why he is here, because of course he is. It’s another reason why Ryan didn’t tell him he was sick.

When Shane comes back he’s holding a cup of rooibos tea, Ryan’s favorite. Ryan immediately scoots over to make room for Shane and he falls down next to Ryan on the couch, immediately lifting Ryan’s feet in his lap, his hands resting on Ryan’s ankles. He’s rubbing his fingers in soft circular motions and Ryan’s hums contently as he wraps his hands around his mug of tea. “Do you think ghosts ever get sick?” he murmurs, while Shane pulls the remote control from god knows where and starts changing the channels in search for something more engaging.

“They’re ghosts Ryan,” Shane says, soft smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, “Of course they don’t get sick. They don’t exist.”

“What if they do, though.”

“But they don’t.”

Ryan huffs. “If I die I’m going to come back as a ghosts and sneeze on you all the time just to prove you wrong on both fronts.”

Shane snorts, and settles on a rerun of CSI. “Technically, I never said ghosts couldn’t get sick. I just said they can’t get sick because they don’t exist.” He pauses. “Maybe all those weird noises you always hear on the EVP are just ghosts having the hiccups.”

“Ha!” Ryan exclaims, triumphant, sloshing a bit of tea over the edge of his mug, spilling it over his blanket, “So you admit those are ghost noises!”

Shane, realizing he clearly just backed himself in a corner here, ignores Ryan completely and dives back in his grocery bag. “Here, have an apple.” He hands Ryan a container with pre-cut apple slices.

“Did you,” Ryan says, swallowing around a lump in his throat, “Did you actually cut these in slices before you got here?”

Shane scrunches up his nose, still clearly allergic to the notion of caring, and says, “No. Yes. Maybe.”

“Thanks,” Ryan says up, smiling softly at Shane. Shane, who came over as soon as he heard Ryan was sick. Shane, who called his mom to ask her what he would need to take care of a sick person. Shane, who made him tea. Shane, who sat with him and rubbed his ankles and made him laugh. Shane, who pre-cut apple slices just for him. “I love you,” he blurts out, and then immediately considers drowning himself in his cup of tea.

Shane’s face goes through a range of emotions, eventually settling on something that resembles confusion. “That’s. Okay, yeah, that’s. Okay.” He says, which is about the most useless response Ryan has ever gotten to telling someone he loves them. Not that he has said it to a lot of people, but like, in the overall spectrum of ‘I love you’s this is pretty bad.

“Oh god, I didn’t mean it to come out that way, I mean, I don’t love you, no actually, I’m not going to lie, I do love you, I just, I didn’t mean to tell you but like, I’m exhausted and my bones feel mushy and my head is full of fucking snot, which is like the epitome of unsexy but still you are here and you are smiling and you’re kind and you brought soup and pre-sliced apples and I just, I don’t really know what to do with all that right now,” Ryan rambles, desperately wishing he had been blessed with a brain to mouth filter when he was born.

“Those pre-sliced apples really threw you for a loop, didn’t they?” Shane says, laughing nervously, and Ryan doesn’t know what to do.

Preferably he would like for the earth to open up and swallow him whole, which unfortunately seems unlikely to happen. His other options are equally unlikely to happen, as he is in no shape or form capable of getting up from the couch right now, and suffocating himself in the pillows seems like a quite final solution. “Yeah,” he eventually says, because there’s still this silence hanging between them, this weird silence in which Shane is just looking at him.

“I, uh, I love you, too.” Shane eventually says, completely unexpectedly, looking away from Ryan for the first time since his confession. “I just.. I don’t think I ever expected you to love me back, so uh, that… that was a bit of a shock to process. But. Yeah. I love you.” He finally looks up at Ryan, who’s just staring at him, and tentatively reaches out to brush his fingers over Ryan’s forehead.

“Oh,” Ryan says, because of course this is when his brain decides to abandon him completely.

“Even now,” Shane continues, “You look miserable and honestly I should probably find it disgusting but all I want to do is wrap you up in blankets and hold you close and kiss you and never let you go.”

Ryan frowns at him, “You think I’m disgusting?”

“That’s what you take away from that?” Shane asks, incredulous. “That’s not even what I said! I said I should, probably, find you disgusting, especially since you’re wearing that shirt with the questionable stains but instead I-“

But Shane gets cut off by Ryan, who has lurched forward and kisses him full on the mouth. “I think you’re disgusting, too,” he mutters against Shane’s lips when they pull away, and they both burst out in laughter.

The laughter is mostly relieve, relieve that they both feel the same way, that they can kiss and touch and tell each other how they feel without worrying about what the other is going to think.

Ryan launches himself into another coughing fit right after Shane has kissed him for a second time, and Shane immediately gets up to get him more tea (with honey, this time) and heat up some soup. When he comes back, they curl up on the couch together and watch crime serious and horror movies until Ryan falls asleep, softly snoring on Shane’s shoulder.

(A few days later, Shane gets sick too. Ryan apologizes profusely, brings him soup and pre-sliced apples, and continues to pester him with theories about ghosts with colds. Shane has never loved anyone more then he does in that moment.)

#shyan #sceptic believer #bfu fic

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smolfangirl · 6 years

Text

You should take it as a compliment and think about the consequence

I am super tired so here are the basics: The title is a little mix from Taylor Swift’s “Gorgeous”, the whole OS is not proofread and I want to thank @silveranchor for helping me figure the plot out and @huffletiika especially for Gastón’s opinion on Matteo’s appearance. Also, the basic idea comes from this post.

Matteo Balsano was mainly three things.

First, good-looking. The kind that filled Luna with rage and gave her the desire to melt into a puddle at his feet as soon as she set eyes on him. The kind with soft brown curls and chocolate eyes, along with a smile bright enough to count as a hazard. (Not for her eyes, but for her heart.)

Second, a snob. A true chico fresa. Damn, his attitude raised all flags, it crossed lines she never even knew existed. It made her lose her mind when he smirked at her, raised eyebrow and all, with this sophisticated audacity. Worse enough, he knew exactly she fought against windmills when she tried to ignore him or compete against this level of smugness.

But the worst? The worst thing was it also made him so much more attractive.

Lastly, and least, Matteo was not hers.

Luna had grown used to that. To the rush of blood and flustered cheeks and tight feelings in her chest. To the many, many daydreams involving him. She harvested these ideas as if they were precious seeds in her own little secret garden. These seeds never turned into anything, she knew that, they’d always died at the light of reality. Except for this one drunk night, but alcohol – no matter how sweet it tasted – killed plants, and this one dreamy plant was no difference.

Months after this incident, she stole a quick glance at him when he entered the room and turned away again. She chuckled at his comments and threw him off with a single sentence. In boring classes at university, she let her mind wander to a universe where he wanted her as much as she did. And it was enough to keep her happy.

Luna considered it a lucky coincidence that she saw him before training started. Running late, he hurried to his locker to put his skates on, hair slightly messy and breaths that came out as little pants. He barely noticed her. She, however, did. She noticed the glasses he threw into his backpack without a care, the way his hand ruffled through his curls in a rushed attempt to fix them and she noticed the stubbles on his cheeks, creating an illusion of shadows that hadn’t been there before.

It looked the hottest.

Her heart stopped for a moment. Then, the adrenaline pulsed through her veins like she went on a rollercoaster, but she forced herself to stay put until Matteo left again.

By the time she reached the rink, she felt stable enough to not swoon at his view.

“So”, Yam sat next to Luna on the bleachers, an expectant glimpse in her eyes that both confused and scared her. Training had been over long enough for the others to disappear, and Luna only wanted to send Matteo the song of their choreography like she’d promised.

“So what?”, she asked, attention still on the phone. The curiosity in Yam’s voice made her careful, and she’d learned the advantages of creating a quick distraction.

“How did you like Matteo’s beard?”

Luna huffed. “I wouldn’t call it a beard just because he didn’t shave for once.” Obviously, Yam refused to let this topic go yet. This girl showed a persistence that gave her songs their greatness and her designed outfits their beauty, but right now, it only gave Luna cold sweats. “I’ve seen the way you looked at him. Jim too, actually, I’m sure everyone saw it except for your chico fresa.”

“Well, he does look good with it”, Luna admitted, although it felt like the biggest understatement. Matteo didn’t look good, he looked gorgeous. As if he starred in a perfect romance movie, with a perfect girl and a perfect happy ending. Every time their eyes met during skating, Luna wished she was brave enough to lean forward and run his hand across his jaw, to explore the feeling the stubbles would give her.

Her hand clenched around her phone. By the stars, she wanted to shout at him for daring to be so stunning. For stealing her heart and her mind and her sanity.

“Just good?”, Yam countered.

“Ugh, okay, Matteo’s too much to handle”, her hand only increased its grip on her screen, a little more and she’d get a cramp, but she rambled on, overwhelmed by the hurricane inside her. “If he keeps growing it, I think I’d have to fuck him, someone needs to stop him from being so… so pretty.”

Yam stared at her. Chin pushed back a bit, shoulders straight and eyes solely focused on Luna as if she had told her a disturbing secret. Then, her expression softened, and she leaned against Luna’s shoulder. “You’re in deep, huh?”

Luna sighed. “Too deep. He just talks to me and my brain fries. At least he told me he has to study for his final exam, so I won’t see him the next days. I have no idea how I’d survive this beard phase otherwise.”

“Luna’s in loooove”, Yam teased, a laugh so loud on her lips that she immediately got shushed. “Shh! Don’t scream this around, okay? If you tell anyone…”

“He might hear it and end your suffering?”

“Oh boy, I will never tell you anything ever again.”

16:05

1 audio message from Chica delivery

“If he keeps growing it, I think I’d have to fuck him, someone needs to stop him –“

Message received 16:05

Message played 16:18

It was way into the evening. Luna finished her assignments, read some parts of her class lecture and now laid on her bed, bra off and leggings on. The day ran through her head, classes, lunch in the university cafeteria, training, stubbles. Stubbles.

Matteo. The song!

Pausing the movie on her laptop, Luna jumped up to grab her phone. No missed messages, which surprised her. Usually, if she forgot something, Matteo wouldn’t let her live. (This cockiness. No wonder he managed to mess with her so well, he was a natural.)

That’s when she saw the voice message.

16:05, that was after training. But she felt certain she hadn’t send it to him over her embarrassing meltdown in front of Yam.

Frowning, she pressed Play. A few seconds later, pure horror filled her whole body.

22:25

1 message from Chica delivery

This voice message was an accident, I’m really sorry, I have no idea how this happened

Message received 22:26

Message read 22:33

The idiot didn’t answer.

He read her apology, and half an hour later, he still made no attempt at replying. No ‘It’s okay, don’t worry’, no teasing. Not even teasing!

Just silence in which Luna discovered her personal hell.

With every second that passed without a reply, she found herself closer to the edge. The ground under her feet crumbled away and the painful realization hit her that soon she’d be falling, no safety net attached, no control.

At least she hadn’t said his name – Luna had checked the audio multiple times. Hearing these words out of her mouth shocked herself, she didn’t dare to imagine Matteo’s reaction to them. How bad did it have to be that he didn’t text her, not even to ask who she was talking about?

Oh no.

Matteo was as smart as he was pretty. It was simply a matter of time until he figured it out.

If he hadn’t already.

By now, their friendship probably already belonged to the past.

“Ah, I see your shaver is still missing. Or do you still have no time to use it?”

“Cut it, I need your opinion on something important.” Matteo walked into the apartment of his best friend, not giving a single damn about how rude he might sound. This was an emergency, had been for two days, and he almost failed his exam because of this.

“Is it about this dead animal in your face? Or whatever it is”, Gastón grinned. Matteo settled on sending him an annoyed look before he let himself fall onto the couch. “Just kidding”, his best friend said, “It really suits you, you look even more handsome than usual.”

“Thank you.” It sounded hoarse, the lack of sleep took its toll after all, besides he wasn’t really interested in what anyone thought about his beard. Except for one person.

“Okay, why do you need my help?” Gastón sat down. Instead of explaining, Matteo decided to just play the voice message. He still searched for the right answer, and Luna hadn’t texted him either, maybe too embarrassed, maybe even over this little incident already. Anyway, it was easy to find the message.

“If he keeps growing it, I think I’d have to fuck him, someone needs to stop him –“

Despite all the times Matteo listened to Luna’s voice, to her words, they caused a shiver on his spine. He never heard her talk like this before. Never. Call him naïve, he never thought she’d be capable of talking like this. After all, she was sweet little Luna, his little ray of sunshine.

Over and over again he pondered over the meaning of this. His head felt worn out from studying and internally arguing whether she meant him or not, the sleep deprivation didn’t help either. He needed Gastón to reach a conclusion.

“Why again did you two only made out once?”, said boy asked as a hint of annoyance slipped into his tone. “Oh, right, because you are like lesbian sheep incapable of making a move.”

For a painfully long moment, Matteo wondered if he a) fell asleep and ended up in a weird dream that felt way too realistic or b) Gastón went nuts in the few days they hadn’t seen each other.

“What?”

“I’m saying, don’t be a lesbian sheep! Make a move!” (He settled on option B.)

Matteo stared at his phone, the chat with Luna still open. His mind flew back, to this afternoon. They hadn’t talked much, less even compared to how much time they usually spent in each other’s company. And with a sense of shame he admitted to himself that he never considered it an option for her to be into someone. Someone that wasn’t him.

He put his phone away. “What if she’s not talking about me? I mean, it could be just wishful thinking.”

Gastón frowned, his usual expression when he disagreed with Matteo, and this time, Matteo couldn’t blame him. For Gastón, this seemed to be crystal-clear, there was no room on the picture in his mind for a cloud of doubts. “Even if it is, one look at you like this and she will jump you.”

“Dude.”

“I’m just saying!”

She made peace with herself.

Matteo had an important exam, and the last one of this semester at that, of course he didn’t answer. He simply was too busy.

That’s what she told herself, and if doubt tore these excuses apart, she slowly accepted the inevitable death of her dignity.

It was early Saturday morning, she watched Netflix in her pajamas and with enough ice cream for breakfast to freeze her brain. It was a good morning - until someone rang at her door.

It wasn’t just someone. When she opened the door, she found Matteo himself in front of her. With a three-day beard.

She couldn’t help but stare.

“… Fuck.” Although she never meant to, the word slipped. Her cheeks heated up, and she condemned herself for not putting a bra on before opening, or at least a bathrobe. Compared to him, in perfectly fitting jeans and a light blue shirt, she felt too vulnerable, naked.

Matteo raised one eyebrow, his face the picture-perfect definition of smugness and his voice carrying his question in a mix of sweetness and confidence that made her shiver. “Fuck you or fuck me, which one is it, Luna?”

She stepped back, arms crossed in front of her chest. His eyes followed her movement and she really, really wished she would have gotten dressed. It got worse when the space between them decreased as he closed the door behind him and walked in, only stopping at what wasn’t even an arm length in front of her. (Not even half an arm length.)

“No – nothing”, she whispered.

Her brain went through a short-circuit pretty much the moment she saw him – the ice cream freeze gave her the rest – and she both admired and hated Matteo for keeping his cool at the same time she was about to lose all self-control and jump him.

“Are you sure?”, he wanted to know, “Because from what I heard, and I quote…” She interrupted him before a single word she said in that awful record could leave his mouth. “Come on, I told you it was an accident!” A sigh hushed past her lips, it sounded too heavy for someone as young and cheerful as Luna. “I knew you’d be a fresa about it, I knew it, you are just unbelievable and I didn’t even tell you I was talking about you –“

For the second time this week, she froze. Blinked. Looked away only to steal a glimpse at him.

He grinned.

She looked away again. Her face felt hot, she’d bet he could cook an egg on her forehead now if he was hungry. Matteo looked hungry, sort of.

But not for eggs. Or anything else to be found in a kitchen.

He leaned in. His breath tickled her skin, he glanced down at her lips and at the same time she met his eyes, her knees began trembling. Before she could fall, his arms secured her, holding her. Instantly, she wrapped her own arms around his neck, almost casually stroking his jawline in the process.

It felt better than she ever imagined.

Her back hit something hard, the door, but it didn’t matter, because Matteo’s lips hovered over hers, too close to back away anytime soon.

Luna closed her eyes.

She didn’t daydream about being more than just a friend to him anymore.

#soy luna #lutteo #my sl fanfiction #if you find any mistakes in here you can keep them #I only hurried up writing this bc I realised this will be my last day in freedom a.k.a with two hands for who knows how long #but I still hope you can enjoy this #this bitch is out now

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jgfiles · 7 years

Text

Re-watching Joker Game: Ep 7 Code Name: Cerberus

So, as I proposed a re-watching, here I go continuing on doing the re-watching. Hopefully someone else will join! ^_-

Also, hopefully there’s someone out there that read all this stuff… as I know it’s pretty long… shame on me for analyzing things too in deep…

Mind you, what follows are my ramblings over Ep 7, comprehensive of my impression on how the frames were structured and so on with some occasional reference to the other Joker Game media.

Also, for personal comfort, I’ll use the characters’ names even if the anime hasn’t stated them yet. In short, as this is a re-watching and not a first watching, you’ll also get a telling that’s mixed with my knowledge of the future. Consider yourself warned.

Last but not least, many apologies for posting this so late but real life kept me rather busy this month…

And now, let’s start.

So yes, like in the previous episode I starts with the preview for this episode that was in Ep 6.

Now, we’re again in whatever place the previews take place.

Anyway in this preview we’ve Amari and Hatano.

Amari is folding a paper as he asks if there wasn’t an artist, a painter to be specific, who compared life to an ocean voyage.

Hatano answers quoting something “You start rowing from a small stream, enjoy the peaceful scenery, endure the wind, survive the storms,” while Amari keeps on folding the paper until he has obtained a boat. Then Amari finishes the quote for Hatano, “And flow into the ocean. What awaits beyond is boundless freedom,” before blowing on the ship causing it to fly away from his hand.

Sorry but I wasn’t able to find the painter who said the quote Hatano and Amari are referencing. If someone has more info I would love to hear them.

The preview is a reference to how the next episode will take place on a boat… but it can be seen also as a reference to how Amari will technically leave D Agency and move to Hawaii to take care of little Emma… because that’s what truly happened in the end even though the whole fandom, Miwa Shiro included, prefers to think he came back to D Agency with Emma. But well, we love Amari and we don’t want to lose him.

This is sadly the only interaction we see in the Joker Game anime between Amari and Hatano (in the manga they interact a little more).

And now let’s dig into the episode.

The episode opens up in a rather dramatic way.

As ‘Tōryaku’ [韜略 River] play in the background the scene opens showing us that there’s fire and people tied in the middle of it. Some of them seem dead already. One though is on his knees, panting hard, blood dripping from his side. There’s someone in front of him and it’s probably that someone who orders to plant explosives in the ship’s hold, twice the standard amount.

The wounded guy raises his head at this, eyes widening in shock.

Next we see is that the one speaking is a German, clearly recognizable due to the iron cross he’s wearing.

The one next to him asks about what to do in regards to the ship’s crew. We see that there are people still alive, closed in the engine room of what is likely a boat, banging on a door and asking to be left out…

…and soldiers outside the door keeping their arms raised against it so as to make sure they won’t manage to come out.

Anyway the German in charge comments that, as their information said, they had the instructions so they won’t let evidence behind, implying they would kill everyone. As the panting guy screams him to stop he raises his gun with a grin and, as the screen becomes black we hear a shoot, a clear hint that the panting guy was killed.

Now… Ep 7 has an awesome colouring, one of the best through JG. The fire is beautifully bright and I love how the room gets an orange tinge due to it.

But hum… back to the rest. This bit lasted exactly 32 seconds but it had a high dramatic value. At first we don’t really see the Germans, we’re just shown their victims. The bound people who’re either dead or unconscious, the bleeding sailor on his knees (to make things simpler I’ll tell you he’s Raymond Grane, even if we’ll discover this much, much later), the horror on his face as the German imply they’ll kill everyone, the crew begging to be left free.

We catch glimpses of German soldiers to show us that they’re actually in control of all those lives. The soldier who asks about the crew when they’re about to blow up the ship, the soldiers who’re guarding the door so the crew can’t escape. They’re the ones in power… but they’re actually not really acting, they’re just there, like objects. While what they’re doing is cruel and horrible… they don’t seem to either get pleasure or displeasure doing it. The question about what to do with the crew is said in a neutral tone, as some sort of clarification on the orders. In short, they’re represented as people who’s just there to obey orders regardless.

The one who’s really in power is the German officer… and that one came clearly out as a jerk.

It’s meaningful how his face isn’t showed until he gets the chance to express what sort of jerk he is.

We know he ordered to use twice the standard amount of explosive so as to make sure the ship will blow up… but we can assume he too is being a puppet obeying to orders. When asked about the crew… he sounds almost concerned… but it’s actually a mocking tone. When we finally see his face we hear him ordering what to do in regard to the crew. His order implies they all have to die and, once he gives it, he grins.

He’s not doing this in the impersonal manner of someone following orders. He’s enjoying it. He also grins again when he shoots at Raymond.

He has a very small role with few sentences, but it’s clear it’s not a good guy.

While JG often paints the Germans as jerks, in this case this is an interesting choice because that German was actually not being the ‘real cause’ due to which everyone died. It’ll turn out it’s McCloud, an Englishman like them, Raymond’s friend, who sold them out to get information.

Those people’s lives to him weren’t that important. So, even if the German is a jerk for enjoying what he’s doing… how much horrible McCloud is at backstabbing those people knowing the Germans would have very likely killed them all? Civilians, one of whom his friend?

It helps to make more understandable why Synthia’s hate, who should have been directed to the Germans who were actually the ones who physically killed her husband, actually turned on McCloud, the family friend who pretended to share her pain when, in truth, he sent her husband to death.

It’s 1940, they’re at war, the Germans are enemies from which they shouldn’t expect mercy… but McCloud was an Englishman and a friend. And caused Raymond’s death just the same. And no, it wasn’t to save English lives. It was so that he would look cooler. But let’s go back to the story.

Oh, not too sure if someone is interested but when the German guy raised his arm we could see his rank insignia and they label him as a Oberleutnant, the highest lieutenant officer rank in the armed forces of Germany. Among the voice actors he’s just labeled asドイツ海軍士官 (Doitsu kaigun shikan) which means “German Navy Officer”. No reference to his ranking is made. Personally I was expecting him to have a higher ranking (he even seems older than Bauer or Sakuma) but maybe it’s just me.

BTW Raymond Grane, according to the ranking on his hat and sleeve is a first mate (or chief officer or chief mate, do your pick, all those names work). Amari too will confirm this, later on.

‘Kikan’ [機関 Agency] starts and we gets Amari telling us the usual shortened version of the explanation of what D Agency is.

Then this ends and we get…

…the opening. Which is the same as usual. Amari is the forth spy that appears in it and we see him smoking and then smiling at the camera. If he does something at the end of it… well, I didn’t realize it (maybe he’s the one who smiles? I’m not sure though…).

Anyway the opening ends and we resume with ‘Joker Game’.

‘Yōkō’ [陽光 Sunshine] begins to play and we start… with a big cruiser boat, the Tokimaru (朱鷺丸).

The ship is currently sailing close enough to see some islands (which will turn out to be the Hawaii) so the passengers are on the bridge watching them. The ship’s captain confirms that they’re the Hawaii and that they should be docking in Honululu in three hours.

The contrast with what happened on another ship in the scene prior to the opening is staggering and it’s even increased by colours. While, due to the fire, the previous scene had a marked yellow, orange and red tinge, here the predominant colour are the blue of the sky and the sea and the white of the boat and of the sailors’ clothes, of the deckchairs and, of the clothes of someone who’s sitting on a deckchair (though, to be honest, they’ve a pale yellow and not a perfect white).

Anyway the first mate goes and ask that person if he’s not going to enjoy the view like the others. We can’t see that person face at first then he moves and… well, hello Amari!

Amari is dressed quite differently from usual and not because he’s not wearing his usual grey suit. In fact, we can see that instead than a tie he has a bow tie and instead than a fedora he has a pork pie hat, braces instead than a belt and no waistcoast. Maybe he’s meant to look dressed with an American flair since the ship is traveling from San Francisco to Japan (with a stop to Hawaii)?

Oh well, it’s not really a problem.

Amari claims he’s a little preoccupied… and then we’re shown what is tormenting him. A crossword puzzle. Before wondering if Amari is that obsessed with crossword puzzles or prone to worry over minor things give him a moment.

He starts asking help to the sailor in order to end the crossword puzzle... and that’s our clue. The D Agency boys were so very knowledgeable that it’s weird that Amari would be stumped on a crossword puzzle… for answers that a normal sailor can give him.

Well, to be honest the sailor can only give him an answer as he gets stumped as well at the next word. Anyway, as the two of them are talking, they hear a woman screaming “No! Stop! Stay!” in English, our clue that she’s English.

As the woman screams we don’t see her face, just her mouth…

…and then we’re shown the shadow of a small dog, a Scottish terrier, running in between the legs of the passengers.

The dog then turns a corner and appears close to where Amari and the First Mate are and runs past them and away from a woman, holding a child in her arms and now leaning against a wall.

Though the woman is far from Amari and the First Mate and much closer to the other passengers, none of them move to check on her, just Amari and the First Mate… which is, in my opinion, a bit weak. Amari is the first to reach for her and ask her what’s wrong. She claims a dog ran out of nowhere and startled her daughter, then put the little girl down. Now… maybe it’s a subbing problem but the one who seemed freaked out was the mother, not the little girl which seems weird.

Sure, later it’ll turn out the woman is actually lying but the lie is pitiful in itself as it would have worked better if she had said the dog startled HER.

Anyway, Amari bend down and asks the little girl to come with him. In present time it would be very weird for a stranger to do this but it seems back then it wasn’t a big deal. The little girl though is shy and moves closer to her mother. At this Amari whistles and causes dolphins to start jumping out of the water.

Now… I wonder if this is possible as dolphins aren’t trained dogs but well, let’s let this slide.

‘Sakura haru’ [桜春 Spring of cherry blossoms] starts playing as the little girl, Emma, is delighted that dolphin have appeared. This time Amari asks her if she feels like going to see the dolphins together and she accepts, allowing him to pick her up. Amari winks at the mother, who smiles at him and, after turning to the first mate likely hinting at how he entrusts the mother to him, carries the little girl to see the dolphins asking her what’s her name, to which she replies ‘Emma’.

Yeah, as many pointed out, in present time the whole thing feels weird as mothers shouldn’t entrust their little daughters to random strangers but whose were other times.

The mother seems to feel sick again (as I’ve said before either the subs messed up or the whole my daughter was startled doesn’t really work well as she’s the one who basically is feeling sick…) so the first mate asks her if she would like to return to her room, to which she replies she’ll be fine if she’ll rest a bit.

Meanwhile Emma is counting the dolphins jumping out of the water…

…and it’s surprised when, after counting five, she can’t see them anymore so she asks Amari where they went… to which he offers back to their home… which… hum… again is a bit weak as he could have whistled again and make them appear again, if it’s that what he did the first time. Emma wants then to know where’s their house, to which he has no answer.

Overall it’s a very pretty scene.

Emma’s mother, Synthia, joins them, thanks Amari, claims she feels better and gets Emma back. Emma is happy to go in her mother’s arms…

…and, other her mother’s prompting, thanks Amari, who replied it was a pleasure.

Now… in the book Emma was around 2. In the anime she looks older, around 4, and she can walk, but she will be mostly carried around in people’s arms which is a bit weird.

Still, Emma comes out as a loveable and cute child.

It’s also worth to note that Ep 7 is possibly the most visually pretty episode of Joker Game, both in terms of colours, composition of the images and effects.

I’ve mentioned how beautiful it was the fire in the intro scene but the sea is also awesome, both when we see the dolphins underwater, in which they use a wonderful effect to express the water refraction…

…or when it’s just in the background with the waves moving on its surface.

The characters are usually not static, which further proves the care used to animate this. Overall it’s definitely one of the most visually nice to watch if not the nicest.

We’re shown the ship continuing on its cruise, but it’s just a quick glance to help us smoothly accept the transition from a scene to the other. The Tokimaru won’t definitely be shown as often and with the same care as the Asia Express. On a sidenote the Tokumaru very likely is a fictional ship based on the Japanese ocean liners owned by Nippon Yusen Kaisha. Although the anime changed things a little, in the novel, this story was partially based on something that happened to the Asamamaru, so, very likely, the Asamamaru is the model for the Tokimaru.

However, since the whole thing was a diplomatic incident and a complex one, the anime preferred to change things a little and have a fictional boat (also the incident took place on January so, if they wanted this episode to take place in summer, they had to change things).

Anyway, due to all this, JG likely didn’t feel like the Tokimaru deserved the same attention that Asia Express got.

Back to the story and to Amari who tries to get back to his crossword puzzle to find a man peering at it curiously.

The man explains he was passing by and couldn’t help but be attracted by it. It’s very nice how they handled his body language.

Anyway he introduces himself as Jeffrey Morgan, someone who runs a small trading company in San Francisco. Amari presents himself as Osamu Utsumi, a Japanese engineer. As he’s giving out a fake name it’s clear that Amari is on mission.

Morgan admits he can’t walk away from a crossword puzzle…

…and Amari claims it’s perfect as ‘he’d like to borrow his knowledge for a bit’. It’s not so hard to guess Amari isn’t just as obsessed with crossword puzzles but he has ulterior motives for his invitation.

Anyway the two sits down.

The next we see as two glasses filled with what looks like sparkling white wine.

They’re relevant but the problem is ‘how had they gotten there?’. The two had apparently just sat down and yet there’s already wine served for them… which wasn’t there moments before, when they met (just look at the previous pictures and you’ll see no glasses on the table) and the one in the glasses is not just ordinary wine… not mentioning they won’t touch it for a while so they clearly hadn’t ordered it because they were thirsthy.

This is fundamentally the weakest point of all the episode… but we’ll discuss about it later on. Amari in the meantime is reading clues while Morgan is giving him the answers.

Amari then reads a definition “Variations, six letters,” and if we pay attention to his expression it’s not casual anymore and his eyes are kept in the shadows even if they’re looking at Morgan.

Even if it’s not overly obvious it’s a visual clue Amari is up on something. The other reacts with surprise at the definition then gives the answer. ‘Enigma’. Due to Amari’s confusion, Morgan explains that Enigma is also the name of one of composer Elgar’s masterpieces. Turns out that in the piece there are various still unsolved riddles and this helps Amari to switch the discussion on another unsolvable mystery, the encryptions made with the Enigma machine Germans are using.

Amari starts to sing praises of the Enigma machine and Morgan also adds some info about how the German Army improved it. Amari then claims that the movements of the German U-boats that had Enigma-encrypted orders would be completely unpredictable and this pushes Morgan to challenge that statement claiming that any form of encryption can be broken as long as one has a little hint.

Morgan is thinking that, if they were to have a message whose text they know, encrypted with an Enigma machine, comparing the two would give them clues… which is basically how the Rosetta Stone helped people to decrypt hieroglyphic scripts.

At this point Amari reveals his true face. He praises Morgan for being a really smart man in an amused tone then explains that since the Japanese Navy is also developing encryption machines based on the Enigma technology…

…they can’t let him slip inside Japan by pretending to be an American.

Please, note this as well. Amari says that Jeffrey Mordan is claiming to be American. It’ll get relevant later on.

Morgan is surprised, Amari rolls the newspaper and claims Morgan’s true name is Louis McCloud, whose codename in his country intelligence agency is “The Prof”.

Morgan, or better McCloud, bends on himself, as if defeated and claims that Amari is “Cerberus” before pulling out a blade that he kept hidden under the leg of his pants and using it to attack Amari.

While the movement is really plastic… well, it also seems pretty unnatural. The Settei book shows the first draft for that scene and that one looked a lot more natural even if maybe less spectacular.

Anyway Amari blocks the knife with ease using the newspaper…

…and presses his fingers against McCloud’s neck claiming he could use fingernails to cut his carotid artery…

…and here I’ll admit I’m not really knowledgeable enough to tell if this is possible or not as I’ve never tried killing people with fingers (on a sidenote how sharp Amari’s fingernails are?).

More likely though, he’s planning to kill him not by cutting his artery but by pressuring it so as to cause a vagal inhibition which can kill you really quickly. Either that or he’s bluffing… though, of course, claiming he’ll cut the artery with his fingers is way cooler than claiming he’ll cause a vagal inhibition so maybe they changed things on purpose.

McCloud gives up (probably understanding that Amari isn’t out to kill him and therefore he isn’t Cerberus) and Amari catches his chance to toss the knife in the sea.

McCloud starts questioning Amari on how he could recognize him since he undertook a huge amount of plastic surgery.

Amari explains he had only few bits of random intel on him like how he’s unable to ignore crossword puzzles and how the clues in the crossword puzzle were also tailored for McCloud. Still Amari claims that, despite the plastic surgery he could recognize McCloud even without the crossword puzzle because several of his facial features matched the picture he had as, like fingerprints, there are some things unique to each individual (we’ll discover later he’s talking about McCloud’s ear shape).

Now… okay, I don’t really get the plan here. Amari can force McCloud to disembark on Honululu and not get in Japan… but what after this? McCloud can always try using the next boat to reach Japan since Amari isn’t going to kill him. Wouldn’t be better to let him reach Japan and then arrest him there?

Unless part of the plan got cut due to time reasons this bit feels confusing.

However at this point the discussion between the two is interrupted. A ship is appearing.

‘Keiryaku’ [計略 Strategy] starts playing as people think the ship might be a Japanese one, then it turns out it’s not. What’s worse the ship shoots a cannonball close to the Tokimaru, causing the people on board to panic.

Allow me a second to praise how each passenger has a different face.

After firing the shoot we can see they have the English flag and that are raising another flag that means “Stop your vessel at once”.

McCloud confirms for us that the ship is from the Royal Navy in case we didn’t recognize the flag.

Behind him we can see people panicking and escaping. It’s worth to point out that, back then Japan and England weren’t at war yet. But we’ll discuss about this in a while.

McCloud feels confident, claiming he had fun playing with Utsumi’s (Amari’s) crossword puzzle and then, claiming this is a goodbye, picks up one of the previously mentioned glasses and drinks from it.

A music starts playing but I can’t recognize it. Sorry about it. Anyway as soon as McCloud drinks he starts to feel sick, drops the glass, begins to claim that Utsumi is Cerb… then dies.

‘ Seion’ [静穏 Quiet] starts playing.

The scene switches and we go back to the Greater East Asia Cultural Society. It’s clearly a flashback in which Yūki is handing Amari the current case. Yūki taks to him about Louis McCloud, showing him photos of the man…

… and telling Amari the man was hired by the SIS during WW1, working on decrypting German communications. He hads the man has changed his face and plans to travel from America to Japan. As Amari reads the documents at an amazing speed, Yūki tells him not to let McCloud set foot in Japan… and so this confirm my confusion. Even if Amari were to cause the man to disembark at Honululu what would stop him from coming in Japan with the next boat? And why McCloud felt relief when he saw the English boat? Amari had told him his purpose was to stop him from coming to Japan and, apparently, McCloud had figured out Amari wasn’t after his blood so even if he were to leave with the Royal Navy McCloud would still not manage to go to Japan and Amari would have won just the same.

Definitely there’s something missing in the plan but I’ve no idea what it is.

Meanwhile, as Amari stares at McCloud’s photo he says ‘Garderning plan’ and this is confusing because that’s the first time we hear about it, and we might think it’s Yūki’s plan for McCloud, not McCloud’s plan.

Sure, it was probably meant to hint at how Amari got info on what McCloud did that caused Synthia’s husband’s death but, right now it feels a bit random. But well, if that was the plan it wasn’t bad as an idea… only I fear it’s too distant and obscure to help people connect the dots at a first watch.

We’re back to the ships. Small boats are moving from the English ship to the Tokimaru.

Meanwhile the captain of the Tokimaru is questioning Utsumi (Amari) about Morgan (McCloud). Amari insists he just met him on the ship and so he didn’t know him and asks the cause of his death. The First Mate tells him it was due to cyanide poisoning. Hum… I’m not sure it’s a smart idea to give out info to Amari as he should be suspected but now I can finally rant about how the glasses were a problem.

In the Anime the glasses appeared on the table after Amari and McCloud started doing the crossword puzzle. They contain what is apparently the same drink. Now, as they contained apparently the same drink and McCloud picked up one at random, this means BOTH were poisoned. However we see no one coming close to them and poisoning them.

This should mean that poison was already inside them when they were delivered… but when they were delivered?

This is unknown. They weren’t on the table before Amari met Synthia and they aren’t on it when he goes back to his crossword puzzle and sees McCloud staring at it. They’ll just appear after Amari and McCloud sat down and started doing the crossword puzzle.

In order to deliver the cyanide the assassin should have seen them sitting down together, and then either poison both the drinks they ordered, or send them poisoned drinks with an excuse.

I’m saying ‘send them’ because the assassin apparently didn’t deliver them personally or Amari would have recognized that person (SPOILER AHEAD: the assassin is Synthia so if she had delivered them personally Amari would have suspected her way sooner). The problem however here is ‘how did she poison the drinks without being noticed by the one carrying them?’ and why no one checked from where the poisoned drink came from?

In the original version this story was pretty long, and even cut in two parts so it’s possible that this is all due to the anime having to cut too many things. Sure is the mystery part gets incredibly weak, which is a pity.

Anyway, back to the story, Amari thinks at McCloud’s dying words and figures that McCloud was targeted by someone whose codename was “Cerberus”.

The scene switch and we’re on the bridge of the ship. The English sailors have come aboard and the Tokimaru’s captain is protesting for what they’re doing, claiming they’re violating international law.

The English captain says he’s there to retrieve Jeffrey Morgan, an ENGLISHMAN who’s being held prisoner on a stateless vessel. Now, remember how McCloud was pretending Jeffrey Morgan was an AMERICAN? Yes, it’s a mess, especially because it’s totally random. Why should they want to retrieve him and even blow HALF of his cover (that he’s not American but not which his true name is) when the plan was for him to infiltrate in Japan? Or is McCloud trying to act on his own again? Or is he deserting England? Who knows?

In truth the whole thing is due to an anime change. In the novel the situation was based on what is called the Asamamaru Incident.

In fact in the novel the British wanted to get not Jeffrey Morgan but the Germans who were aboard the ship so they couldn’t return to Germany and then join the German Army. Yes, the whole thing was in direct violation of Japan’s neutrality and international law.

This is what basically happened to the Asamamaru and it’s something that worsened the anti-British sentiment in Japan.

The Anime makers admitted they found this too complicate of a side plot thread and preferred to change it. Personally I don’t think the idea is so bright as it gets even more confusing and random, though maybe it’s a tamer approach to the whole incident.

Anyway the English side claims they’ve permission of the American for conducting unannounced investigation on suspicious ships… which might be why they were presented very close to Hawaii. Maybe the idea is that they’re in American waters so the English abuse isn’t as bad as it originally was.

The English captain still comes out as a jerk but the Japanese captain is in trouble due to Morgan being dead.

Meanwhile the First Mate sees that Synthia, Emma’s mother and the woman who felt sick at the beginning, is on the bridge and goes to check how she’s feeling.

As he does so, he reveals that the woman’s surname is ‘Grane’. Amari has a revelation at this…

…and picks the passenger roaster. On it S. Grane and her daughter E. Grane are listed as traveling with a pet dog, Frate.

This causes Amari to figure out that the woman lied when she said the dog scared her as the dog was HER dog.

Amari whistles and calls Frate (in English because he’s an English dog…. ^_-). Frate arrives in a run and jumps in Utsumi’s arms. Evidently he’s not a shy or wary dog. Now… maybe there’s a reason for the whole thing (maybe due to some boat rule pet animals has to be left free to wander on the bridge?), but leaving Frate free to wander on the boat was pretty silly. Though it seems the meeting between Synthia and Amari in the novel didn’t happen as shown in the anime, so maybe in the novel the dog was left free for a purpose.

Anyway Amari claims he can explain Morgan’s death but needs a little time first. The two captains agree.

Let me point out for a moment how beautiful the sea is now that sunset is slowly coming…

…before telling you that Amari turns to Synthia…

…who lowers her head as ‘Aitō’ [哀悼 Apologies] starts playing.

The scene switches, Amari and Synthia are talking. Emma is asleep in her mother’s arms, which is convenient but weird as she was fully awake moments before.

Amari asks Synthia if she’s Cerberus. She doesn’t reply.

Amari claims that Frate isn’t like Cerberus but pulls out a photo from his collar and asks Synthia to explain it. In the photo there are McCloud before the plastic surgery and a sailor. The sailor is the one who died at the beginning of the episode, Raymond Grane.

Synthia turns her head away but Amari insists and asks her how did she know it was him. She admits she figured out as soon as she saw him due to the shape of his ears.

Remember? Amari talked about facial features that are unique. Those are the ears.

Synthia now explains how Emma felt ill after they left the port so, when she finally felt better Synthia started searching for McCloud’s ears. She saw him but also saw Frate, first at his feet, then running toward her, so she panicked because that photo was hidden in his collar.

Again, on the overall it’s weak. The real danger wasn’t the photo that was hardly visible, it was McCloud recognizing Frate or her or Emma. And yelling should have attracted his attention. Actually it was weird it didn’t as well as it’s weird she let Frate wander around when he had such a compromising document that caused her to panic.

Amari asked her why, since she completed her task, she didn’t get rid of the photo. Synthia replies that this is the most handsome photo she has of Raymond, her husband and Emma’s father… and even this the explanation is weak. All she had to do was to cut the McCloud part and keep Raymond.

Of course we can speculate that Synthia isn’t in the best mental state. She just betrayed her country to Germany (which physically killed her husband) to personally kill the man who caused the Germans to kill her husband, dragging along her small daughter and her dog. She also had admitted she spent all the days staring to that photo so as to memorize the shape of McCloud’s ears. There’s enough to suspect her mental sanity at the moment so it might make sense she’s not seeing such a simple solution. Synthia is full with hate for McCloud, evidently she’s not thinking straight.

‘Hifū [悲風 Sorrowful wind] starts playing.

Anyway Synthia says that now that she had killed McCloud she has no regrets. She doesn’t look exactly overjoyed or in peace though.

Amari tells us about how a German merchant raider sunk the English cargo on which Raymond Grane was the first mate. Remember how he said Gardening Plan when he was with Yūki? Those words were likely meant to explain this scene.

Anyway a flashback starts in which Synthia remembers the mourning ceremony for her husband, how McCloud joined her pretending to comfort her…

…how, searching for Emma, she ended up on overhearing what McCloud did, which was his Gardening plan, which seems to break her.

Personally I find the whole thing a bit dumb as the one talking with McCloud is basically yelling about a SIS plan that caused an English Cargo to be sunk.

True, there’s no one outside but someone could overhear… as it actually happens.

(On a sidenote can I praise again JG for its care in the details and for how pretty everything is? Look at the colour on the wooden door, they didn’t just paint it all of the same colour, they painted it so that it seems there’s paint over it and that part of it is coming away.)

With this Synthia’s tale ends.

Amari then explains what happened afterward, how the German Navy used Enigma to encrypt the stolen orders and telegraph it to friendly troops, how the English intercepted that transmission and tried comparing the two messages. How this also caused McCloud to end up disavowed by the SIS.

Synthia is surprised he could know so many things, figuring there are mysteries in his life too.

She then admits she became a German spy to get her revenge so she’s ready to consequences but, when she watches Emma, she doesn’t know anymore what she lived for or what she should have lived for.

Emma makes a timely wake up and asks her what’s wrong.

Amari asks Emma if she wants to see the dolphins again. Emma agrees but the subtle message is for Synthia. Amari fundamentally volunteered to take care of Emma from now on.

‘Kansō’ [歓送 Farewell] starts playing.

Synthia agrees…

… and Amari walks away with Emma and Frate.

Next we see a scene of a man raising Emma, Frate jumping around them.

It might be hard to figure it out but that man isn’t Amari but Raymond, whom, in the novel was described as resembling Utsumi Osamu. Hence when Synthia entrusted Emma to Amari she sort of had the feeling to entrust her to her husband.

Synthia whispers a goodbye to Emma before standing up and consigning herself to the officers.

Amari and Emma are watching the sea but no dolphin is in sight so Emma asks if they’re taking a nap.

Amari claims they’ll see them tomorrow and Emma agrees, saying they’ll do it with her mother. Amari tells Frate he can come (see them as well) then, staring at the horizon wonders to his situation of now having to take care of Emma and Frate then decides it’ll work out somehow.

On the table we see the crossword puzzle. In it the word ‘life’ is bolded.

Hum… maybe it was better if it was ‘live’ but well, we get the message just the same.

And with this the episode ends.

Ending theme.

Overall this episode is visually beautiful and the drama behind the story is one of the best but… the mystery part is a mess. Even if some things can be excused there are still plot holes. Sure, it can be they’re due to the story being cut left and right but… well, it’s a pity.

The best one can do is to watch it for the story, which is lovely, and not for the mystery, which, for once, is the weakest point of the plot.

Oh, as you might have noticed this time I didn’t pause much to describe scenes visually as there were almost no special visual shoots. It doesn’t mean they were bad, everything was really, really pretty, but we didn’t have neither smart nor subtly meaningful shots. So, beyond saying that something is very aesthetically pleasing there wasn’t much to say about the visual.

Maybe the only thing that’s noteworthy is that there are a good amount of close up and "Italian shot" or Extreme Close Up in which only the character’s eyes are visible to better express the feelings of said character but that’s not that out of ordinary in anime.

And this was Joker Game Ep 7. Thank you to everyone who was brave and patient enough to sit through my long, long ramblings for the whole episode. I hope other people will feel like sharing what they had observed while watching it!

#Joker Game #Amari #Utsumi Osamu #Emma Grane #Synthia Grane #Joker Game ReWatching #Raymond Grane #Louis McCloud #Jeffrey Morgan #Hara #Yuasa #Yuuki #JG Code Name Cerberus #Joker Game Anime

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