#cops and dogs are a bad combo

[ausetkmt]

The tiny pink house was pretty much empty. And run-down and dark, since the electricity had been shut off. Nevertheless, someone was trying to burglarize it, a caller told 911 well after midnight on a Sunday in Montgomery, Alabama.

The police called in a K-9 handler and his dog, Niko, to search 3809 Cresta Circle. The dog lunged, found a man and bit down, according to court records. It took almost two minutes for the handler to pull the dog off. And before long, their suspect, a 51-year-old Black man, bled to death. The dog had torn an artery in his groin.

The man was Joseph Lee Pettaway, and his family says he was no burglar. He got in trouble for bad checks and served time years ago, but was now taking care of his 87-year-old mother, Lizzie Mae, and helping to repair the pink house in her neighborhood, they said; he had a key and permission to sleep there.

Joseph Pettaway’s sister, Jacqueline, comforts their mother, Lizzie Mae Pettaway. Joseph died in July of 2018 in Montgomery, Alabama, after being bitten by a police dog.Joe Songer/AL.com

The family is suing the city, seeking damages and information about what happened. “I never thought a dog would end up killing anybody, especially a trained dog,” said Walter Pettaway, Joe’s brother. The family also wants public release of the police bodycam video from July 8, 2018, that is described in court documents.

The city is fighting to keep the video from going public, arguing in court that it would cause “annoyance, embarrassment” for officers who were acting in good faith and could end up “facilitating civil unrest.” Officials did not respond to requests for comment.

Police dog bites are rarely fatal. But in other ways, the case of Joseph Pettaway is not unusual. These dogs, whose jaws and teeth are strong enough to punch through sheet metal, often produce severe injuries. Police employ them not only in emergencies, but also for low-level, non-violent incidents. The dogs bite thousands of Americans each year, including innocent bystanders, police officers, even their own handlers. And there is little oversight, nationally or in the states, of how police departments use them.

These are some of the findings of an investigation by The Marshall Project, with AL.com, IndyStar and the Invisible Institute in Chicago. We obtained dog-bite data from police departments around the country, including the agencies in the 20 largest U.S. cities. Our reporters also examined more than 140 serious cases nationwide, and reviewed thousands of pages of documents, including excessive force lawsuits, department policies, arrest reports and medical studies. We looked at scores of videos of police dog bites. We spoke with victims and their lawyers, law enforcement officials, former and current trainers and other experts.

Here’s more of what we found:

Though our data shows dog bites in nearly every state, some cities use biting dogs far more often than others. Police in Chicago almost never deploy dogs for arrests and had only one incident from 2017 to 2019. Washington had five. Seattle had 23. New York City, where policy limits their use mostly to felony cases, reported 25. By contrast, Indianapolis had more than 220 bites, and Los Angeles reported more than 200 bites or dog-related injuries, while Phoenix had 169. The Sheriff’s Department in Jacksonville, Florida, had 160 bites in this period.

Police dog bites can be more like shark attacks than nips from a family pet, according to experts and medical researchers. A dog chewed on an Indiana man’s neck for 30 seconds, puncturing his trachea and slicing his carotid artery. A dog ripped off an Arizona man’s face. A police dog in California took off a man’s testicle. Dog bites cause more hospital visits than any other use of force by police, according to a 2008 academic analysis of 30 departments.

Many people bitten were unarmed, accused of non-violent crimes or weren't suspects at all. Court records show cases often start as minor incidents—a problem with a license plate, a claim of public urination, a man looking for a lost cat. Although some departments, like Seattle, Oakland, California, and St. Paul, Minnesota, now have strict criteria about when dogs can bite, many continue to give officers wide discretion.

Some dogs won’t stop biting and must be pulled off by a handler, worsening injuries. Although training experts said dogs should release a person after a verbal command, we found dozens of cases where handlers had to yank dogs off, hit them on the head, choke them or use shock collars.

Men are the most common targets of police dog bites—and studies suggest that in some places, victims have been disproportionately Black. Investigations into the police department in Ferguson, Missouri, and the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department have both found that dogs bit non-White people almost exclusively. Police dog bites sent roughly 3,600 Americans to emergency rooms every year from 2005 to 2013, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Forensic and Legal Medicine; almost all were male, and Black men were overrepresented.

For many bite victims, there’s little accountability or compensation. Federal civil rights laws don’t typically cover innocent bystanders. In many parts of the country, criminal suspects can’t bring federal claims if they plead guilty or are convicted of a crime related to the biting incident. And even when victims can bring cases, lawyers say they struggle because jurors tend to love police dogs—something they call the Lassie effect.

Police dogs have a highly charged history in the United States, especially in the South, where they were used against enslaved people and, in the 1960s, civil rights protesters.

How Dogs Were Used as Weapons in North America’s History

French colonizers used hundreds of hounds against enslaved people who rebelled during the Haitian Revolution (1791-1804), according to Tyler Parry, assistant professor of African American and African Diaspora Studies at the University of Nevada, and Charlton W. Yingling, Assistant Professor at University of Louisville. An 1805 engraving shows trained bloodhounds attacking a Black Haitian family. Archive Photos/Getty Images

During the Second Seminole War (1835-1842), the United States military used Cuban bloodhounds to force the Seminole Indians from central Florida to west of the Mississippi River, as seen in an 1848 lithograph. MPI/Getty Images

An 1864 engraving by Van Ingen & Snyder depicts an enslaved man protecting his family from bloodhounds. Dogs were used to hunt enslaved people of African descent in the U.S. who had attempted to escape as early as 1790, according to Dr. Parry and Dr. Yingling. AF Fotografie/Alamy

A Black high school student, Walter Gadsden, 15, is attacked by a police dog during a civil rights demonstration in Birmingham, Alabama, in 1963, in this photo by Bill Hudson. These and other iconic images from the Birmingham protests shocked many Americans and helped bring an end to segregation laws. Bill Hudson/Associated Press

Officers brought dogs to the Newark race riots of 1967, which began in response to the beating by police of John Smith, a Black cab driver. An officer with a dog argued with a man on July 14, 1967. Agence France-Presse, via Getty Images

A police dog attacks a Steelers fan during the celebration of the team’s Super Bowl victory in downtown Pittsburgh, Jan. 22, 1979. R.C. Greenawalt/Associated Press

But police departments that use dogs said the K-9s are essential tools for finding fleeing suspects, and for searching dark, narrow spaces for hidden dangers. That makes them crucial for officer safety.

Not every suspect who runs or hides or is not complying with commands will try to injure an officer, said Deputy Chief Josh Barker of the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department. But, he said, "In a lot of the instances, we're using that K-9 as a tool because we simply don't know.”

When police use dogs properly, injuries should be minor and require little treatment, handlers, trainers and experts said. The dogs are trained to create puncture wounds, but little else. The wounds should not involve tearing flesh, and the bite shouldn’t last long—seconds, not minutes.

The dogs are “not taught to rip, they’re not taught to tear, they’re not taught to maim,” said Kenneth Licklider, who has been training and selling police dogs for decades. Licklider owns Vohne Liche Kennels in Indiana, which supplies dogs and trains their handlers.

Kenneth Licklider, owner of Vohne Liche Kennels, walks through a hallway in one of the many training buildings at his facility, in Indiana, in September. Licklider, who founded the company in 1993 after retiring from the military, has been training canines for more than 40 years. Mykal McEldowney/IndyStar

And with training and supervision, the dogs bite only a fraction of the times they are used, officials said. That’s a hard statement to prove, because few departments keep standardized data. Many of those that responded to our requests for records did not provide information on deployments, and when they did it was incomplete and inconsistent.

As a spokesman for the Jacksonville sheriff noted, “With policies varying among agencies, the number of engagements cannot be accurately compared.”

But some attorneys said the law should treat police dogs as lethal weapons. “I'd put being attacked by a dog just below being shot,” said Hank Sherrod, who has represented dog bite victims in Alabama.

Law enforcement agencies employ about 15,000 dogs for everything from finding lost children to sniffing out drugs, according to the U.S. Police Canine Association, a professional group. But no countrywide database tracks police dogs, the number of bites or who is bitten. There are no national requirements for dog handlers.

Handling dogs is more art than science, some in the business say. “The handler’s personality will go right down that leash,” said Ernie Burwell, a former canine handler for the Los Angeles County Sheriff who now testifies as an expert witness in excessive force cases. “If the handler’s an idiot, the dog will be, too.”

The lack of regulation worries some experts.

“It’s just sort of the Wild West when it comes to these dogs,” said Christy Lopez, a professor at the Georgetown University Law Center who previously focused on policing and civil rights at the U.S. Department of Justice. She recalled speaking to a young Black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, who’d been curled up in a closet when a police dog gnawed on his arm.

“In Ferguson, I realized this was not a thing that needed to be reformed,” Lopez said. “It was a thing that needed to end.”

The Police Executive Research Forum, a prominent law enforcement think tank, recently called for clearer national standards to ensure all agencies have protocols for canine use.

Police officers said they are already careful about using dogs.

“A dog bite, it’s a violent encounter,” said Patrick McKean, trainer for the Mobile Police Department in Alabama. “The dog’s hurting somebody. We’re not going to just do that just for any little reason.”

Trainers say bites are worse when people don’t follow orders—when they try to run or fight back. But many videos we reviewed show people screaming in terror or flailing around, even as the handler yells at them to stop.

“It’s really hard for someone not to move when they’re bitten, and the more they move, the more they’re bitten,” said Ann Schiavone, a law professor at Duquesne University in Pittsburgh who is an expert in animal law.

Take the case of Patrick Gibbons, a White 47-year-old who sells golf supplies. On May 5, 2019, he flagged down a golf-cart taxi in the Old Town district in Scottsdale, Arizona. After Gibbons demanded that the driver go faster and even tried to push the accelerator himself, the driver got out. Gibbons took off (at 15 mph) in the cart. The driver called 911, telling the dispatcher Gibbons was unarmed but drunk.

On May 5, 2019, officers in Scottsdale, Arizona released a patrol dog on Patrick Gibbons after he stole a golf-cart taxi while drunk. Courtesy of Patrick Gibbons

A swarm of patrol cars responded while Gibbons, wearing shorts and flip flops, laughed and gave police the finger. After they punctured the cart’s tires to stop it, Gibbons put his hands up. Then, an officer released the patrol dog, police video shows.

For almost two minutes, the dog chewed on Gibbons’ back and side. Police said Gibbons was “flinging the K-9 from side to side,” according to an internal affairs report, and they fired non-lethal weapons at him.

“I couldn’t move without feeling some sort of pain,” Gibbons said. “There’s still stiffness. Now I just tell people I was attacked by a shark.”

Gibbons received a $100,000 settlement from the city for his injuries, but said he’s dissatisfied that criminal and internal investigations cleared officers of any wrongdoing. Gibbons said he took a plea deal for driving while intoxicated and stealing the golf cart, spending 36 days in jail and five months on home arrest.

A police dog mauled Patrick Gibbons in Scottsdale, Arizona, in May 2019. The photos below, which Gibbons said were taken about a week after the incident, show his injuries from the dog to his torso and arm. Top: Cassidy Araiza for The Marshall Project; bottom: Courtesy of Patrick Gibbons

A Scottsdale police spokesman said officers received the call as a reported carjacking and believed they were responding to a violent felony. He said Gibbons also refused police demands to stop the golf cart. If officers realized the true situation, their response would have been “wholly and completely different,” said Sgt. Brian Reynolds.

“We’re not out just siccing dogs on people just because they’re drunk,” he said. “Absolutely not.”

Some of the most serious injuries happen when handlers struggle to make dogs let go.

In Sonoma County, California, sheriff’s deputies responded to a caller who claimed a man had a gun. They used a Taser on Jason Anglero-Wyrick, a 35-year-old Black man. After he was on the ground, video shows, they set a dog on him—and had a hard time getting it to stop attacking. Anglero-Wyrick ended up with a fist-sized hole in his calf, his lawyer said, and spent weeks in the hospital. He did not have a weapon.

Anglero-Wyrick’s family put a video of the incident on YouTube, his lawyer said, because they wanted the public to see what happened.

In Sonoma County, California, sheriff’s deputies set a dog on Jason Anglero-Wyrick, a 35-year-old Black man. Sonoma County Sheriff’s Office

“If that video hadn’t been posted, nobody would know about Jason’s case,” said his lawyer, Izaak Schwaiger.

A Sonoma County sheriff’s spokeswoman said the case is still under internal investigation and referred a reporter to a video of the incident posted to the agency’s Facebook page.

Even when they have suffered terrible injuries, people bitten by police dogs can find it very hard to collect damages. Take Deborah Hooper, a White woman who used to work as an accountant. According to court records, on May 9, 2006, a security guard at a drugstore in the San Diego suburbs caught her stealing a nail file and a couple of lipsticks. A sheriff’s deputy issued her a citation for petty theft, then took her to the parking lot and searched her car.

The deputy said he found a drug scale and what looked like methamphetamine, and tried to arrest her. As they struggled, the deputy pushed a special button on his belt, releasing his German Shepherd, court records show. The dog latched onto Hooper’s head, ripping off large chunks of her scalp and biting down to her skull.

Fourteen years later, Hooper is still undergoing surgeries. Doctors grafted skin from her thigh onto her head. They filled water balloons and stuck them under her remaining scalp to stretch the skin. She said she became a hermit and has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

She is also still in court, reliving the incident over and over again. She had to battle to get the right to sue for excessive use of force in federal court because she had pleaded guilty to resisting arrest; an appeals court eventually ruled in her favor. Her second trip to federal court ended with a hung jury.

This spring, she was back in court again, in a third trial that also ended in a hung jury. “The dog was just ripping my head back and forth,” she told jurors in San Diego. “There was blood everywhere.”

The Sheriff’s Office and the deputy said she lunged for his gun, which she denied. At the most recent trial in March, Melissa Holmes, the lawyer who represents the agency, said the officer “did what he had to do to protect himself and to protect the public.”

A spokesman for San Diego County did not respond to a request for comment.

A fourth trial was scheduled for this month but has been postponed.

Stories like this take persistence, skill, time and, above all, your support. Become a member today.

One hurdle for people seeking redress is qualified immunity, which in most cases shields government employees, including police, from liability when they are doing their jobs. In its last term, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to take up a legal challenge to the doctrine in a lawsuit over a police dog bite. A Tennessee man, Alexander Baxter, had sued alleging that local police used a dog after he had surrendered with his hands in the air.

Outside of the courtroom, some communities are pushing for change.

Elected officials in Spokane have proposed making it harder for the police to use dogs after bodycam footage from last year showed an officer shoving a dog through a truck window and watching it chew on a man inside as he screamed. Police leaders concluded the officer acted within department policy.

“It seemed like the officers essentially used the dog to punish him,” said Breean Beggs, a civil rights lawyer and president of the Spokane City Council. “If that's policy, then there is something wrong with the policy."

The department did not respond to requests for comment.

Officers with a police dog approached protesters after they marched onto the I-680 freeway during a Black Lives Matter demonstration in Walnut Creek, California, on June 1. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

Police officers arrested a group of protesters that failed to disperse. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

Joseph Malott was arrested during the protest after being attacked by a police dog. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

Malott was assisted up after being handcuffed. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

A police dog bit and scratched Malott, leaving lasting scars on his back. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

An apparent dog bite can be seen on Malott’s left leg after he was placed on a stretcher. Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group

In Salt Lake City, officials suspended the canine unit after a video showed police releasing a dog on a Black man, even though he was on his knees, hands in the air. In a rare move, prosecutors filed criminal charges of second-degree aggravated assault against the dog handler.

On Sept. 25, the city said that a review found a “pattern of abuse of power” when police used dogs, and moved to examine earlier incidents.

The Salt Lake City Police Department said in a statement that it is taking the criminal charges and a report by the Civilian Review Board into account as it works on its internal investigation.

Change is also underway in Walnut Creek, California, after officers released a dog on a demonstrator at a recent Black Lives Matter protest.

When marchers snarled highway traffic, a SWAT team released canisters of tear gas. Joseph Malott, a Black architecture student who joined the June 1 protest in his hometown, said he picked up one canister and tossed it away—in the direction of the cops.

Joseph Malott, a 22-year-old architecture student, was attacked and bitten by a police dog in Walnut Creek, California, during a Black Lives Matter demonstration on June 1. Photos of his back and legs a few hours after the incident. Top: Marissa Leshnov for The Marshall Project; bottom: Courtesy of J&J Law

Then he was face-down on the pavement. A police dog’s teeth sliced through his T-shirt and sank into his back, tearing his flesh and poking holes through his skin. He felt chewing on his leg and hand.

“It felt like I was being eaten,” Malott said recently. “They literally had to pull the dog off me.”

Public outcry about police actions at the protest prompted city leaders to promise that law enforcement wouldn’t use dogs at future demonstrations.

Charges against Malott were dropped, and he no longer needs crutches or a cane. But he still has physical and mental scars, he said. “It’s stuff that will be with me for the rest of my life.”

[toytulini]

honestly sounds like an unwise choice of dog(young high energy likely due to breed temperament and lineage to to have a higher reactivity and distrust of strangers?) have in that environment and im glad hes apparently living with family friends now, hope that helps w the behavioral issues

[self-indulgent-paw-patrol]

Do you think any of the PAW Patrol members are on the spectrum? Because I HC Ryder and Rocky as both being Autistic (it's why Rocky hates water and Ryder hates brussel sprouts, bad sensory experience)

Particularly I think the brussel sprouts thing might be more of a combo of sensory and taste, if it was only sensory, Ryder would hate a bunch of vegetables altogether. What would tell me Ryder is autistic is mostly how his knowledge on engineering for his age is just-- Miles Tails Prower level of spawning new buildings and vehicles overnight. It's canon he's the one projecting, building and maintaining all their vehicles, we see him doing maintenance on his ATV pretty regularly and he taught the pups to inspect their own vehicles and do basic maintenance as well. Not to mention he projected, programmed (and regrogrammed several times) and built the Robo-dog from scratch. That implies he not only knows engineering but also has plenty knowledge in the field of Artificial Intelligence! And he's TEN.

But for Rocky I agree! It could very well be an autistic trait. He's also extra passionate about his stuff and both his creativity and ability to learn things of his interest are off the charts. I also picture him into the ADHD part of the thing, mostly on the HD part of it. He's one of the pups we get to see doing things on their own sometimes, outside of missions. Tbh Rocky only stops moving when he sleeps, and maybe not even then XD

Personally, I headcanon Ryder, Chase, Rocky and Zuma as autistic to some degree each in different ways. As for Marshall, my headcanon on him has nothing to do with any spectrum but with genetic health. Skye, Rubble, Everest, Tracker, Rex and Liberty (the other pups I know so far), I don't have anything on them.

With Ryder and Rocky explained already, let's go to Chase and Zuma, under the cut, post's getting long again, omg.

Chase would be this one "kind" of autistic person I've met at least a couple autistic kids like him before: They get one subject to hyperfocus on and it LASTS LONG, they just don't change interests. They might go and also focus on something that's very alike to the main subject too, but they won't switch their focus target. They're also extremely perfectionists, very hard on themselves, failure when working on something is NOT an option.

Chase is pretty much like that. We know he's intensely passionate about his job as their Police and Spy pup, he follows the rules, he enforces the rules, he does all he can to make sure the task will be complete and always gets extremely upset and/or worried with the possibility of failing or disappointing Ryder (or anyone else for that matter, but it's to a personal level when it's with Ryder), to the point it makes him lose his ground, driving him into anxiety and panic attacks on the most extreme cases.

As for Zuma, I think he's one of those cases in which the person also has this hyperfocus on something and sticks with it, but to him it's less intense than Chase, I mean, to be a cop you gotta study and learn a lot of stuff. Zuma's case is that one that looks more like a very intense hobby. Getting his natural passion for water as a Labrador Retriever and adding it to a greater level of interest on water related stuff, Zuma just put together the fun and the usefulness in his life. So, not only Zuma does the aquatic rescues for the Patrol out of convenience on being the pup whose breed actually doesn't mind getting wet, he also has fun and enjoys it all.

"But that's expected from a Labrador, isn't it?" you ask me. Well, I raise you the fact that Labradors are also usually extremely hyperactive dogs, but then we have Zuma who's... Totally chill. He's there in his spot, content, just enjoying himself. He's not constantly running or jumping around unless prompted to do so, he's playful but only when the others go out to play as well. Otherwise, he's just there, just vibing. Zuma is literally that pup who's there in his corner, vibing, minding his business, until someone else interacts with him or invites him to go do something.

He's literally the chill dude who will go out to surf on his own because he enjoys it and doesn't feel the need to interact with others unless necessary - doesn't mean he's rude, it only means he's vibing his own vibes and will gladly interact if prompted to do so, but doesn't usually takes the initiative because he's already happy in his world.

JUST A REMINDER, IT'S ALL MY PERSONAL TAKE on watching these characters and thinking way too much about their behaviors outside of missions and the vibes I get from them. Mind you, I might be autistic myself but I'm not diagnosed and most I know about it comes from research I've done years ago up to nowadays, the first time being when I wanted to create an autistic OC and didn't know much about it and didn't want to get it wrong to not be attacked over it.

[school-in-london]

20231007 10TH ANNIV. TOUR [OSAKA]

（※誤って1度消してしまい再掲です、、、） ■ DJ: 遠藤孝行

Animal Collective / Broke Zodiac

Groove Armada / At the River

Doja Cat / Attention

Portishead / Mysterons

Caleb Landry Jones / Dig Your Dog

The Beatles / Happiness Is Warm Gun

Vampire Weekend / Ottoman

Patience / White of an Eye

Little Dragon / Disco Dangerous

Blur / Music Is My Radar

Laundromat / Combo

■ DJ: 村田タケル

Black Country, New Road / Athen's, France

Sorry / Twinkle

Porchlight / Spin Doctor

Squid / Swing (In A Dream)

Yves Tumor / Fear Evil Like Fire

King Krule / Humbergerphobia

Sextile / Crash

Moin / Melon

Yo La Tengo / Fallout

Horsegirl / Anti-Groly

The Hazmats / Skewed View

Working Men's Club / Suburban Heights

N0V3L / To Whom It May Concern

bar italia / Clark

■ DJ: タイラダイスケ

Chicks on Speed / Wordy Rappinghood

Dante Elephante / Jeni

Donny Benet / Mr Experience

Neil Frances / Music Sounds Better with You

easy life / skeleton

Overmono / Is U

Fred again.. / adore u (feat. Obongjayar)

salute / Joy

Romy / Strong (feat. Fred adainn..)

Lily Allen / Alfie

Liquid Liquid / Optimo

Viagra Boys / Ain’t No Thief

bed / Kare Wa

slowthai / Sooner

The Strypes / You Can't Judge a Book By the Cover

■ DJ: 遠藤孝行

Buzzcocks / Everybody’s Happy Nowadays

The Strokes / New York City Cops

Paramore / This Is Why

Communions / Two Worlds

Grandaddy / The Crystal Lake

R.E.M / Losing My Religion

Olivia Rodrigo / bad idea right?

Mystery Jets / Young Love (feat. Laura Marling)

The Smiths / Bigmouth Strikes Again

U2 / Atomic City

Oasis / Hello

Weird Nightmare / Lusitania

Fontaines D.C. / Jackie Down thr Line

Yard Act / The Trench Coat Museum

!!! / Me And Giuliani Down by the School Yard - A True Story

Fatboy Slim / Song For Shelter

Mura Masa / Drugs

■ DJ: 村田タケル

Deadletter / Line The Cows

Roye Otis / I Wanna Dance With You

cumgirl8 / llc

Water From Your Eyes / True Life

Crack Cloud / Image Craft (LIVE IN LONDON)

Model/Actriz / Amaranth

Yves Tumor / Lovely Sewer

Nia Archives / So Tell Me..

Arlo Parks / Weightless

Emily Yacina / Gleaming

Leel Neale / I Am The River

The Horrors / You Could Never Tell

Highschool / Only A Dream

Cajun Dance Party / Colourful Life

Horsegirl / Billy

My Bloody Valentine / Nothing Much To Lose

shame / The Fall of Paul

Double Virgo / No Sweet

Enumclaw / Jimmy Neutron

Beach Fossils / Don't Fade Away

Indigo De Souza / Smog

bar italia / Polly Armour

bar italia / Punkt

Tramhaus / Karen is a Punk

■ DJ: タイラダイスケ

The Undertones / Teenage Kicks

The La's / There She Goes

The Strokes / Is This It

d4vd / Here With Me

Massive Attack / One Love

Blur / Tender

Ari Lennox / Pressure

Koffee / Lonely

Primal Scream / Loaded

Miso / Emotions

Mura Masa / Whenever I Want

Nia Archives / Bad Gyalz

Watch the Ride & Nia Archives / Mush Up the Dance

Clipz / Again (Featuring Ms Banks, Ms Dynamite & JayKae)

Flume / The Difference feat. Toro y Moi

Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar / The Hillbillies

Netsky & Babl Lemmens / Everybody Loves The Sunshine

The Libertines / Up The Bracket

Thee Michelle Gun Elephant / Revolver Junkies

The Who / My Generation

The Lemon Twigs / The One

Anna Of The North / Thank Me Later

Stella Donnelly / Mean to Me

~Ending~ Fairground Attraction / A Smile In A Whisper

[one-sad-human]

•Pinky Promises• Steven Adler

Pairing: Steven Adler x Reader, Axl Rose x Sibling! Reader

Requested? Yup! By an anon

Theme: Angst(?) to fluff

Warnings: Language, sexual references but nothing explicit

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: Fic 1 of 2! Hope you enjoy! Also, the makeout near the end gets sorta hot and it was pretty fun to write? Like I’m considering exploring into writing smutter pieces. I didn’t want to originally because I thought I’d cringe all the way through and hate the result but I might try it out in the near future. Nothing too crazy but it’s something for me to think about.

     You step off of the large bus, your combat boots hitting the ground as you adjust the bag slung over your shoulder. It's stuffed to the brim with whatever you threw in, you're surprised the zipper did burst.

     You take a deep breath of the LA air. It's hot and humid and despite the thick air pollution, you can breath easier than you did in Indiana.

     You grew up in Lafayette, Indiana with your older half-brother William. You were raised in the hellish house with your shared father, which you finally managed to escape.

     William left right at eighteen. He tried taking you with him, but you didn't want him to be charged with kidnapping and have the cops on his ass. Now, two years and your father's stolen wallet later, you're finally in the city of dreams.

     "Will!" You yell out, spotting your redheaded other half.

     "Y/N!" He mocks, catching your figure in a crushing hug. He's taller than you, so you have to stand on your tippy toes during the embrace. "Thank God you're alright."

     "I'm fine, I'm happy to finally see you again," you say, a huge grin on your face. "How's the band? Everything going well?"

     "Well enough," he says with a shrug, grabbing your heavy bag and slinging it around his shoulder. "Come on, I'll introduce you to the guys. You already know Izzy of course, but the rest of them."

     The walk to the 'hell house' as Will had called it is filled with catching up. He made sure to keep in contact with you, but the phone calls were always short. It felt nice to have a full length conversation in person with your brother again.

     "Welcome home," Will says, leading you into the house. You grimace when you catch a whiff of stale beer and weed.

     "You seriously live here? This place should be condemned," you say with disgust.

     "And then where would we live?" The oh-so familiar voice of Will's best friend meets your ears. You whip around and fly into his arms.

     "Jeffery! I missed you so much! You really should've tried calling, you ass!" You exclaim. Izzy rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless, patting your back during the hug.

     "Who's this?" Another man enters the living room— if that's what it should even be called. He's blonde, taller than you but shorter than the other two men in the room. He has kind eyes and the smile he has on his handsome face leaves you speechless.

     "U-uh, hi. I'm Y/N," you say after a moment of shameless gawking. If he noticed, he doesn't mention it.

     "Oh that's right! Axl talks a lot about you! I'm Steven," he says and bounds up to you, catching your hand in a shake. You don't question who the hell 'Axl' is, but you smile stupidly at him and bite your lip with a blush staining your face.

     "No," Will says, glaring at the cute blonde you've taking an immediate liking to. "Absolutely not."

     "William!" You squeak out, pinching his shoulder harsher. He yelps and swats your hand away. Will glares further at you as he ushers you up the creaky stairs to your room. "Nothing happened! And who the fuck is 'Axl'?"

     "I saw how you were looking at him! I'm not naive, Y/N. You were giving him the 'fuck me' eyes! And me, everyone calls me Axl here." You give him a look. "Except you, of course. You can call me Will."

     You don't give him another word as he leads you to your bedroom. He was the one who didn't have a roommate before, and he'd have to share with Slash now but he was determined to give you your privacy.

     "This is the only room with a working lock, use it. Especially when your changing! Three horny men in a house with one you isn't a good combo." You make a face and shake your head, but you can't really tell if he's being overprotective or if his band mates really are pigs.

     "Are you not including Izzy?"

     "Please, he's the only smart one besides me. He knows I'll rip him a new one." You laugh and give Will another hug.

     "I've really missed hanging out with you like this, and thank you for letting me stay here." He nods and rubs your back.

     "No problem, we have each other's backs, always." You nod and release your bother from the hug. "One rule though: no hooking up with the guys. One time thing or not, you don't know them like I do, I won't let you get hurt. So don't even try anything with Steven!"

     "Even if it's nothing sex?" Will levels you with a look that would make you sweat if you were anyone else. You sigh and roll your eyes. "Fine! I promise."

     "Pinky promise?" He asks, holding out his pinky finger. You shake your head but comply anyway, hooking your pinky on his.

     "Wow, bringing out the big guns, pinky promises," you tease.

     "Bitch," he mumbles. You gasp sarcastically.

     "Asshole!" You reply. William takes his leave with another slew of insults under his breath but none to be taken seriously and all with a smile. You shut your door after him and lay on your bed, content with how things are finally beginning to look up.

If you knew where you would be in just a few months of living with your brother and his band, you never would've agreed to the naive promise Will had forced on you. You think back to the day with a frown.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Steven asks, pecking your bare shoulder as he lays behind you on your bed. You both lay naked and damp with sweat, glowing from the moonlight streaming in the room.

"William," you say with a sigh.

"We just had sex and your thinking of your brother? Should I be worried about you?" Steven asks teasingly. You fight the smile growing on your face and lightly pinch the his arm tightly wrapped around you. He never fails to make you laugh.

"I just feel bad keeping this a secret from him." You turn around to be face to face with Steven. "It's been months of sneaking around. I'm always nervous we'll get caught together or I'll blurt it out to him."

"Then why don't we just tell him?"

"Do you want to die! Steven, honestly, do you have a death wish?"

"No, but—"

"Then we can't tell my brother we're together. He'll murder you, and then probably me one he finds out how long I've been lying to him," you say and move your head in the crook of Steven's neck.

"Then we can be together in the afterlife!" Steven folds his arms around you even tighter. "Seriously though, we can't lie to him forever. We've been together for six months already, surely he'll see how much we care about each other and not want to kill us."

"Yeah, maybe," you say halfheartedly and close your eyes, finally letting yourself fall asleep.

The next night, Guns has a gig at the Whiskey A-Go Go. The ritual goes like it has been, they play the gig, you wait for Will to get drunk, and you and Steven sneak out to the back of the club to make out and maybe get felt up a bit before returning like nothing happened.

It isn't different this time. Steven's hands leave your skin ablaze as he lets them wander down your sides and up your thighs. His lips don't leave yours, even as he squeezes your ass and you let out a moan. He grins on your mouth and presses his pelvis up to your stomach.

His mouth leaves yours to press feather light kisses to your cheek before trailing down your jaw and onto your neck, where he sucks nips at. You have to press a hand to your mouth to stay quiet.

"Don't leave marks," you remind him through batted breath.

"I won't," he reassures and silences you with a chaste kiss to your swollen lips before returning his attack on your neck.

You hear footsteps fast approaching, but as quickly as you hear them, Steven is ripped away from you. He's slammed into the brick wall next to you harshly and groans. You jump away and gasp.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" William asks, his voice lower than usual. His green eyes dark and downright scary.

"Will! Let him go, come on. Stop fucking around, you didn't have to slam him into a wall," you say, but your shaky voice falls on deaf ears as Will doesn't move. Your hands grasp at his arm and try to yank him away from Steven, but he's stronger and taller than you and doesn't budge, he just keeps his eyes focused on Steven.

"Nothing!" He squeaks out. Even in the dark, his kiss bruised lips and flushed red face is obvious.

"'Nothing?' That's why you were ten seconds away from fucking Y/N?" Will asks.

"William stop it! You're scaring me! Leave him alone!" You push him again and this time, he relents. Will paces and runs his hand through his red locks while you rush to make sure Steven is ok.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Steven mutters and presses a kiss to your brow to comfort you, sending you a smile when he pulls away. He keeps his hands on your arms and rubs circles with his thumbs.

"How long has this been going on?" Will asks, crossing his arms as he finally stops his pacing.

"Six months..." Steven says nervously. William scoffs and shakes his head. "But it isn't just fucking around! I love them, Ax. Really."

You smile bashfully, biting your lip to try and contain it. You knew you felt strongly for Steven and that he returned the feelings, but you haven't outright said you loved each other— until know of course.

Will stays silent for a few beats, staring contemplative at Steven. He finally sighs, bring a hand up to rub his temples like he has a building headache.

"Yeah? And you love him, Y/N?" He asks. You nod, reaching out to grab Steven's hand. Steven lets a grin creep on to his face. "Then I guess I can't stop you. But if you ever break their heart, I'll fucking gut you, Adler."

If Will makes Steven nervous, he doesn't show it. He gives him a salute with his puppy dog like smile before sticking out his pinky.

"I promise I'll never hurt Y/N purposely, ever." Will rolls his eyes, the irony makes him nearly groan aloud. He sucks it up anyway when he sees your hopeful expression, hooking his pinky onto Steven's.

"Don't make me regret this, Steven," Will grumbles before leaving and walking back into the crowded club. Steven lets out an exhilarated laugh and kisses you, hard.

"Told you he wouldn't kill me!" Steven exclaims, making you laugh out of surprise.

"And we don't have to sneak around anymore!" Steven kisses you again, and again and again until you're breathless.

"I'm so in love with you," he mumbles between his attack on your lips. You smile, tangling your hands in his aqua-net filled hair.

"As I am with you."

[honeyfizzly]

Giving my opinions about all the yttd designs because I can lmao, warning for some spoilers (mostly when talking about the dolls lol)

Sara chidouin- her hair really isn't that bad, like it dosent make sense much but it's not the worse hair style I've ever seen (nor is the worst in the game).

Uniform is basic but I like how Sara wears her uniform properly compared to Joe, showing that she's the more responsible one out of the two.

Joe tazuna- when I played yttd with a friend we both called Joe "sonic" because of his spiky hair. So his spiky hair will always be awesome to me.

Other than that, I like the dog motifs (like the Keychain and lil bone). His uniform also has his blazer unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up, showing up that he's more of the carefree one of the two.

Mishima- not sure how an 30 year old would have their hair gone already grey so I feel like he really should've been made older.

Alot of his character is carried by his posture (with his odd pose and mad man smile) while his clothes are kinda plain. His glasses are cool though, they're very small and realistically wouldn't be covering his eyes but I think it helps serve his design rather than take away.

Kai- not much to say about his design, androgynous and mysterious looking which is a pretty good combo imo. I like how the apron is a warm color compared to his very dark pallette.

Reko- pretty good punk looking lady, her pallette is pretty dark with splashes with bright red and yellow. There's really nothing much to say about her since she's fine, maybe adding more yellow with some more piercings like nose piercings?

Alice- his hair is so weird in my opinion and I feel like he could've gotten a better hair cut, but I do like how vertical stripes are a constant motif in his design. His prison uniform is basic with nothing of note and the chains aren't too distracting.

Nao egokoro- I think softer colors would've worked with her better but other than that she's fine i guess. Maybe more accessories or more obviously art related stuff on her? Like some paints splashed on her overalls could've been nice.

Kanna- the bucket is very cute I will defend it with my life. The red is her skirt dosent look that good to me and I would've preferred it to be the same pink as her tie on uniform. I like all the greens in her pallet though, I think green is a good color for her.

Sou- his color pallet is kinda everywhere 😭 purples, reds, greens, blues, and brown. I wish it was a more organized pallet and should've stuck with reds (for the scarf, it's kinda important so can't be taken away) green and a little bit of blue.

Keiji- his hair color is so ugly I'm sorry 😭 litteraly looks like a durian. I wish a more desaturated yellow was chosen for the hair.

Other than that he's pretty good, looks like a suspicious man which he's presented as the beginning. I don't really think he needs to look like a "cop" because he isn't one and that's not what is trying to be conveyed with his design.

Gin- sweet sweet boy, very good design. Looks like a little boy with an special interest with animals.

Only complaint is that maybe something alligator themed could've been add in his design cause alligators are cannonical his favorite animal. Dosent have to be anything big maybe just a key chain or an scale pattern somewhere.

Ranmaru- I like how his design directly contrasts Joe (Joe being very bright and in your face with his colors, while Ranmaru is basically black and white). Other than that nothing much to say.

(3b spoilers) I do think his logic route sprite is interesting cause the eyes change color, so maybe there's a symbolic meaning to how a character's eyes are drawn? Also his hair becomes more fluffier but also spikier too, so it's shows that he's kinda unhinged and dangerous (compared to how his hair is usually well kept)

Anzu- very cute but she dosent scream "clown" other than her little jester shoes that are only in the Keychain merch. Her being a clown could've been pushed more and maybe she could've had some subtly clown make up or her hoodie could've been made to look like a jester's hat.

Hayasaka- very basic looking and his outfit is pretty similar to mishima's. His body posture kinda carries all of his personality instead of his actual outfit.

Kurumada- his hair is very fun 10/10 but I wish his outfit was more striking like how his hair is. Also since his eyebrows are always furrowed it looks like he dosent have eyebrows😭

Mai- I love her big stupid bread hat, very nice and striking part of her design. Her design is very nice with its lovely warm colors but she also looks very similar to a floor master??? Like she could pass as a floormaster most definitely, idk if that's intentional I just find it weird.

Hinako- her anatomy is weird with her tiny little stick legs and her hair is an bright color of pink which I personally didn't like at first but it's grown on me.

I feel like a longer skirt would've worked better for her but I do like how her hands are always shoved in her pockets, it's somewhat stand off-ish body language.

Sue miley- I wish the dessert she was based on was more obvious but I kinda feel in love with her design when I first saw it. I love how melty the chocolate parts of her clothes are and I love the spiky hair.

Her "pre asunaru" design is simple but nice, she looks not unhinged and just a science lady.

Tia safalin- love love her design! Her food theme is much clearer and I like the ribbons and witchy hat. Her design is very nice to look at imo. I wish her boots weren't that ugly though (I get that it's meant to match with ranger but the brown color dosent fit)

Rio ranger- I like how cluttered and chaotic it is, and his little mouth signs are an awesome idea. My only complaint is that the ice cream seems kinda tacked on for the dessert theme and dosent really fit.

Midori- pretty solid design, his eyes are creepy with how they're wide open and starring straight at you. He's also very in your face with how he's leaning directly towards you too.

The red scarf and green hair combo works here cause of how little colors are in his pallet (only really black, red, green and sometimes yellow depending on the sprite)

Gashu- he looks like an classy older looking man. The turtle neck is nice and his posture is very ridged which makes his one "freak out" sprite in main game stand out way more. Not much else to say.

Maple- I love how pancakes and syrup are litterally on her hair, it's so cute and a unique detail. Maple has a cute maid outfit(at least it looks like a maid outfit to me lol) with a skirt thats litterally syrup which is super cute as well. Her design is very cute lol.

[kazimirfiles]

hihi!! for the matchup exchange, may i please request a matchup for creepypasta and danganronpa?

characters i prefer not to be matched up with: any of the ultra dispair girl characters (nagito and toko excluded), hifumi, ryoma

i go by she/her pronouns, im 19, and i have no gender preference!

things i like: sunny morning drives, my plants, my dogs, getting coffee before work, hanging out with my best friends, records, the mahogany apple candle from bath and body works, autumn, getting fast food late at night with a group of friends, people watching, hot tea on a chilly day, feeling accomplished after a workout, doing little things to help random people, burt’s bees chapstick, tank top + flannel combo, beating a video game, blueberry pancakes, purple monster energy

personality: im severely extroverted. like it’s really bad. i probably scare random people because i will just walk up to you to either compliment you or start a conversation. i love social engagement, and i prefer to talk to someone in person or through phone call rather than through text message. i actually hate texting. id say im very kind, and i love helping people and putting smiles to others faces :) however, despite coming off as friendly (at least i hope i do), you can read me like a book. my emotions are constantly on display. when i’m mad, you can tell im mad, etc. my mood swings are severe and it’s VERY hard for me to contain it. i can go from extremely happy to ACTUALLY wanting to hurt someone. (i’m also the worst overthinker.)

i would also say im extremely hard working. i work a full time job and a part time job, and go to college full time. a lot of things i have earned in life, especially more of recently, have been through my hard work— i recently bought my own(and first) car, im renting an apartment in a couple of months, paying my own medical bills, etc (mind you, i had just recently graduated high school, class of 2021). im not trying to toot my own horn, but i’d say my work ethic is above a lot of people my age. HOWEVER… i’m the worst procrastinator, and i’m also extremely critical of myself and my shortcomings.

im also really bad with being manipulative (and this is not in a quirky woah im manipulative and evil kind of way). it’s a; “Hi professor, I’m so sorry I haven’t turned in these assignments, I’ve been extremely busy here of lately and my parents will kick me out if I fail. Is there any way I could turn these assignments in late? If not, that’s okay! Thank you!” kind of way. don’t forget the waterworks. and i’ve been doing that my entire life. i’ve always found a way to get what i want simply through sweet talking and kissing butt. i always make up for it i think through having my strong work ethic and my kindness; i never do it to intentionally hurt someone, i just have a way with words ;)

other fun facts about me: i’m a criminal law major, and i plan on being a detective after i graduate college and complete the police academy! (don’t get me wrong i really don’t wanna be a cop, but i unfortunately have to be one in order to be a detective rip)

my appearance:

i’m too lazy to type everything out, but i will tell you i have 10 piercings (tongue, ears, and nose), im and 5’7/5’8! (i also have a sick ass scar across my stomach)

thank you!!! <3

Hmm… yes… I believe I have decided who you’re matched up with!

I had lots of fun with this lol. Hope you enjoy!

~

You’re Creepypasta matchup is…

HELEN/BLOODY PAINTER

• How you probably met was just on a random occasion. Presumably somewhere isolated, given that Helen is a serial killer, he’d be seen as a bit suspicious if he had his usual mask on. Even if he’s not a known killer (or a killer at all. Just some creepy guy), he’d at least prefer more quiet and isolated places to hang around instead of populated areas.

• This certain occasion was probably during one of your sunny morning drives. You drove past him at a gas station nearby. Thankfully, he didn’t have his mask on, so he didn’t garner much suspicious attention from you.

• He certainly didn’t expect you to come. Especially not at this isolate part of town. He had no car with him or any other item! Just him himself. He knew he had to act fast.

• You briefly gave him a sort of smile and wave, immediately asking him what he’s doing at this part of town.

• With one single mental switch in his mind, he smiled politely and said with a calm voice, “I live in a cabin nearby. I was just going out for a walk.”

• From then on, you two just talked as you gassed up your car. You asked him about his living situation here at his cabin as he made up lie after lie. Of course he had to lie because revealing his hidden occupation is definitely not an option.

• Helen’s generally a pretty selfish guy, being a killer and all, he doesn’t exactly make for the best partner. However, he’s definitely a master at slipping in without others noticing. Unlike Jeff, Helen definitely goes for socially acceptable ways to handle his tasks so that he goes unnoticed by everyone else. A master at fitting in with the environment, trying to catch him will just turn into a game of cat and mouse.

• Helen’s generally very curious of the minds of other people. On one exception though, you have to be have a certain interesting trait that would make him want to psychologically evaluate you even more. And when you told him about your goal on being a detective, he was interested.

• He kept the fact that he was a killer hidden away from you. You didn’t exchange numbers with him. Doing that with a person you met in the middle of nowhere would just be absurd. He strategized that he could get somehow convince one of the proxies to watch you, but in the chance that you found out that he sent someone after you, he didn’t want to chase you away. For some reason, there was a certain charm about your goal and your appearance that made him interested. And so his only option was to wait around that area yet again.

• You drove by that area again, which then led to you talking to him again. And again. And again. And so on. Your secret relationship would then blossom from there.

• He probably got the crush first, considering that he just felt so interested in you.

• Helen’s a master at making anyone feel comfortable. Usually he’d only do that for things that benefit him, however, he felt that deep down inside, the thrill of analyzing the depths of your mind wasn’t the only reason why he made you comfortable.

• He found your social nature a joy to be around. Something about it just made him lighten up. More happier, less stressed, and more internally carefree. What was wrong with him? Is it possible for someone to make such a dangerous man feel such a way? This is right out of the fictions! (Lol)

• Helen made sure you stayed away from the mansion and the other proxies. Not only did he want to keep you for himself, he didn’t want to chase you away. Surprisingly, he genuinely enjoys getting to know you better. You make him feel like a normal human for once in his life! That feeling is something that he never wants to let go.

• Helen’s a genius when it comes to reading people. He’s not exactly the best person to help with your manipulative stuff. But like I said, he knows when you’re lying, and he makes sure to tease you about it once he catches you.

• You’re really pretty to him. Like, really really pretty. He finds your looks to incredibly charming. Often times, he finds himself admiring your features every once in a while.

***

Your Danganronpa matchup is…

Shuichi Saihara

• For the sake of this scenario, let’s pretend that the killing game in V3 never happened. You’re basically matched with a nondespair AU version of Shuichi.

• Honestly, the closest runner up was Kyoko Kirigiri from the first game. However, I felt like Shuichi would be able to handle your social nature a bit better than Kyoko would. Kyoko’s short quips and tight-lipped nature probably would drive you crazy. Shuichi in my book is at least a tiny bit more socially-aware than Kyoko is.

• You guys probably met on bonding about your detective goals. You were the first to approach him and ask him for advice about being a detective, considering that he is the ultimate detective, you were beyond curious on what his opinion was.

• Gonna be honest, this may or may not be a love at first scenario. Yes, he was awestruck by your looks, but he wasn’t exactly 100% sure that he wanted to be with you yet. After all, he just met you.

• You two hit it off from there while Shuichi offered more tips in the future. You agree so and so begins your relationship stage of mentorship! Of course as time went by, that’s when the feelings started to erupt.

• Shuichi helps you with any criminal law stuff that you have for college. Despite maybe not knowing much about it, he does have that instinct if that makes sense.

• Just like Helen, Shuichi can easily spot you in a lie. Although I’d say he’s a bit more shy when calling you out. I like to think Shuichi is someone who’s sensitive to external emotional stimuli, so he’ll end up withdrawing if the emotional air gets too intense. He’s pretty terrified of the idea of upsetting you.

• Shuichi’s really impressed with your work ethic! His work ethic is I’d say a good 6/10. It’s not good but not bad. So him seeing you juggle all those activities? Good grief, he’s impressed!

• He appreciates your severely extroverted attitude a WHOLE lot! Shuichi is never good with approaching people so having you around is a relief to him.

• He was a bit frightened about your scar and asked if you’re mentally okay from it.

Alright, these are about the best that I could come up with! My apologies if I didn’t get to everything. Hope you enjoyed!

[in-aether-case]

My Reactions to Classic Horror Movies

Watching Halloween for the first time:

The cop seems really casual about the idea of a couple of children running around with knives and rubber masks, especially when a kid murdered their parents twenty years back and has become something of a local myth. But even if this was in a normal setting with no prior murders - kids with knives bad combo.

Doctor drives for hours to tell police a murderer got free, waits politely as cops root around shops.

30 minutes in and the only deaths have been to set up Myres as a disturbed child.

Police officer wonders why psychiatric doctor is scared of unhinged murderer as if he has been dealing with the fucking mafia in this tiny suburban town.

Do not tell people there's a murderer on the loose, they might panic. Coming face to face whether or not I was informed there was one, I would panic.

Terrantula man, Marvel got the rights to Peter Parker in a death grip, huh?

Woman keeps get the feeling she's being followed, immediately ignores the first person to validate her concerns.

Most tragic death is gonna be the dog's, isn't it?

Anything more cliché than people in a horror movie watching a horror movie? I suppose it wasn't cliché back then.

Woman locked in shed with the flimsiest door I've ever seen, kick it dumbass. Or climb out the window and get stuck, relatable.

I get the trope of the killer always being in the background to creep the audience the fuck out, but the longer he's out in the open the more potential witnesses he attracts.

What is scarier; serial killers or poorly acted horny teenagers?

Seriously, we're an 50 minutes in and I can tell you who these teenage girls wanna fuck but I can't describe a single murder scene.

That was a murder scene? I've been choked harder than that.

I get that the police officer doesn't believe him so he should be fairly deadpan but the doctor is trying to convince this guy there's a murderer on the loose and he's talking with as much conviction as a guy who got given an egg salad sandwich, hates eggs but ate it anyway because he was too awkward to give it back.

The police officer is just sticking around for plot reasons, let him get back to busting kids for doing weed.

How did that speccy git get a girlfriend?

So, Myres just stuck around and watched two teenagers get to second base? This is the 80s right? Just buy a porn mag, it's a lot less effort than breaking into people's houses. And don't tell me he looks too weird to go into a convenience store and buy some porn, he's been wandering around this town in broad daylight for an entire day and the only person even mildly concerned is the doctor who's been studying him, his entire life.

Are we sure this is a horror movie? 2 murders in and I'm pretty sure this woman's tits have had more screen time than both the murder scenes combined.

3 murders in. I get she thinks her friend is just pretending to make sex noises but if your girl sounds like she's being murdered while you're fucking her, let her go, she is not enjoying that, stop it.

Yes, go to the house where Myres murdered your friend, not because it's smart but because I'm sick of dumbass teenage decisions and am actively rooting for Myres at this point.

That was effort, like he had to haul that gravestone up the stairs and place it at the head of the bed. I may have just been watching too much Hannibal but credit where credit's due, Myres didn't half arse it.

Guy swinging from door frame, all I can think is the way his arms flop makes him look like a lucky cat.

Girl dead in wardrobe has the most glorious "duh" expression on her face right now. The face you'd expect to see trying to explain lightbulbs to a caveman.

I'm sorry, he had a big ass knife and the element of surprise and he only managed to cut her blouse and flip her over the stair railing, I'm back on the victims' side until Myers shows some competence or the victims do something unbelievably stupid.

Again, smash the fucking door, you're being chased by a murderer and I've broken sturdier doors than that by breathing on them.

Myers is actually breaking the door, the victim got it like two seconds later but she's screaming like a lunatic and if he doesn't find her I'll be bloody surprised. Back on Myer's side. Also, as much as I hate kids putting them in danger by harbouring your ass is a dick move. Besides, whether or not he lets you in Myers knows there's someone there now.

Yes turn off the lights of the house that the murderer saw you run into because he couldn't possibly deduce that you're sat hidden in the dark.

Knitting needles very blunt, you'd need more force than that do damage let alone make him collapse.

Myres' dead, there are 10 minutes left.

Not dead, NOT DEAD!!

Hiding in the wardrobe when you HAVE an escape route. GTFO!!!

Again flimsy doors should not be that hard to open.

Double tap, always double tap.

And up he gets.

She's in shock, don't aid the delusions her brain is forming to cope, what kind of bloody psychiatrist are you anyway?

Is he a zombie or what? He's been shot and stabbed repeatedly and he's fine.

Overall, a few good scares.

Victim stupidity level: Standard

Murderer stupidity level: Surprisingly High but still somehow competent

[rocknrollarticles]

The Artwoods Story

The Artwoods’ 100 Oxford Street is a UK compilation album released in 1983 that features a four-page booklet (pictured above) that tells the band’s story, written by guitarist Derek Griffiths.

Since there's a limit on the number of photos that can be added to one post, I'll be reblogging this a couple times until I have all the info up. To see this post with all the info added in reblogs, click here.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy Derek’s words as much as I do!

Transcript under the cut (main text + Record Mirror article from page three's rightmost side)

“  It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when the Artwoods came into being because everything just seemed to evolve naturally. The one date however that does stick in my mind is the 1st October 1964 which is the date I turned professional, thus depriving the accountancy profession of a valuable addition to its ranks! But seriously, one must go back to previous events in order to trace the history of the group.

I first met Jon Lord at a party in West Hampstead when he was a drama student at The Central School of Speech & Drama. He was introduced to me by Don Wilson whose claim to fame was his membership of the famous skiffle group Dickie Bishop & His Sidekicks. They had had a hit years previously with "No Other Baby But You", and Don now ran a band on a semi-pro basis called Red Bludd's Bluesicians in which I played guitar. Well, I say we were called this, but only when we were fortunate enough to cop an R&B gig. We used to play The Flamingo Allnighter and lots of U.S. air bases. The rest of the time we played weddings and tennis club dances as The Don Wilson Quartet! Jon Lord was brought in on piano and was a very valuable addition especially as he could get his hands around a little jazz and all the old standards. Jon used to ring me at work and interrupt my vouching of sales ledger invoices in order to discuss the coming weekends gigs. We would bubble with excitement at the approach of an R&B gig as we really hated all the weddings and barmitzvahs.

Around this time Don made a very important policy decision and we suddenly became the proud owners of a Lowrey Holiday organ for Jon to play. Shortly after this Don contrived to drive the band-wagon into the back of a lorry on the North Circular, doing himself considerable mischief in the process. This brought about the unfortunate end of Don's career with us, but not before he had masterminded an important merger of two local bands.

For some time we had been aware, and not a little envious, of The Art Wood Combo led by none other than Art Wood himself. His band underwent a split at that time and Red Bludd's Bluesicians, alias The Don Wilson Quartet, were neatly grafted on. We really felt we were moving into the big league by doing this as Art not only had more work than us but, wait for it, used to sing with Alexis Korner's Blues Incorporated with Charlie Watts on drums and Cyril Davies on harmonica! The next problem was a replacement for Don, and this was solved by stealing the bass player from another local group The Roadrunners, a good looking cove who went by the name of Malcolm Pool. The offer and acceptance of the gig were transacted in a pub car park somewhere in West Drayton staring into the murky waters of the Grand Union Canal clutching pints of local bitter (Fullers?). (Authors note: drugs had not been invented at this stage, as far as most groups were concerned, apart from the odd pill to keep one awake on an all nighter!)

~

The next personnel change took place some time in 1964 and this involved the retirement of drummer Reg Dunnage, who did not want to turn pro. Auditions were held in London and lots of drummers attended. However it was more or less a foregone conclusion that Keef Hartley would get the job. You see we'd already decided that what The Artwoods needed above all else was a Liverpool drummer! Unfortunately none came to the audition, but Keef hailed from Preston which was near enough for us. Keef had previously played with Rory Storm & The Hurricanes, replacing Ringo Starr in the process (heady stuff this), and Freddy Starr & The Midnighters. Both were such influential bands of their time that these credentials combined with Keef's quasi Liverpool accent (at least to our ears) provided him with a faultless pedigree.

~

So that was it, the line-up that would take us through to 1967 when Colin Martin eventually replaced Keef Hartley on drums.

For a while we worked as The Art Wood Combo but then decided it was hipper to drop the Combo and become The Artwoods.

The period when The Artwoods were operating was one of musical change when groups went from recording and performing other writers' material to writing their own. In fact the last year of the group's existence was 1967 which heralded the arrival of "Hendrix", "Flower-Power". "Festivals" and experimental use of mind expanding drugs! 1966/67 were particularly exciting years to be based in London and every night would be spent in one of the many clubs which had recently sprung up. The Ad Lib, The Scotch of St. James, The Cromwellian, Blaises and of course The Speakeasy to mention a few. Many of these we played in and the trick was to be well known enough not to have to pay the entrance fee on nights off. Any night you could be sure to meet your mates "down The Speak" and it became the unofficial market place for rock musicians.

It was also the days before huge amounts of equipment took over. Equipment meant road-crew and trucks and in turn financial hardship. This simple equation has been the downfall of many bands over the years. We used to travel in a 15 cwt van together with all the gear-no roadies, just us. It's amusing to recall but after recording the TV show "Ready, Steady, Go" (in Kingsway in those days?) one would be besieged by autograph hunters on the way to the van with the gear. Even really 'big groups of the day like The Zombies would hump their own equipment and apologetically place an amp on the ground in order to sign an autograph! Because it was financially viable to travel to small clubs in this way, we would often average 6 or 7 nights a week, every week, on the road. A bad month would probably mean less than twenty gigs. This meant we were living, sleeping and eating in close, and I mean close, proximity. You really found out who your friends were.

The subject of equipment is an interesting one as it really distinguishes the bands then from those of today. The average pub band of today would carry more equipment than we did. As I've already mentioned we were quick to realise that we could elevate ourselves musically by investing in a proper electric organ as opposed to a Vox Continental or Farfisa that many groups used. Consequently the group purchased a Lowrey Holiday and we thought this alone would provide us with the Booker T and Jimmy Smith sound.

What we failed to realize was that we also needed a Leslie cabinet with a special built-in rotor to get that "wobbly" sound. Our friend and mentor Graham Bond, the legendary organist/saxophonist, was quick to point out the error of our ways one night when we were gigging at Klooks Kleek in West Hampstead. We groaned inwardly when we discovered the extra cost and humping involved, but it had to be bought. We were fortunate very early on to score a deal with Selmers, who provided us with free amps and P.A., but we had to make the trek to Theobalds Road once a week to get it all serviced as they were not as reliable in those days. I used a Selmer Zodiac 50 watt amp and Malcolm had Goliath bass cabinets with a stereo amp.

The P.A. comprised two 4 x 12 cabinets and a 100 watt amp! When we toured Poland we played in vast auditoria and linked our system with the Vox system being used on tour by Billy J Kramer & The Dakotas. This meant we were pumping out no more than 300 watts which is laughable by today's standards. Although it would never have compared in quality, I can remember standing at the back of extremely large halls and being able to hear clearly all the words Billy J sang. One day in 1963 Alexis Korner sent me off foraging in and around Charing Cross Road for a new guitar, with instructions to mention his name whereupon I would receive a discount of 10%. Previously I played a Burns Trisonic (collectors will appreciate this model did not have "Wild Dog" treble) but fancied owning a Gibson ES335 as favoured by many blues players. Sure enough one was hanging invitingly in the window of Lew Davis's shop.

I ended up paying £135 and still use it regularly today although its value has multiplied five fold. Malcolm came with me that day and bought an Epiphone bass, the same colour and shape as my guitar. For years we looked like matching book-ends on either end of the group! Keef started off using a Rodgers drum kit, but somewhere along the line changed to, I think, Ludwig. There was no out-front mixing as is common today, just the P.A. amp on stage with the vocalist. Primitive I know, but everything revolved around bands being able to travel economically with their gear and perform at small clubs anywhere in Britain. The college circuit was much sought after and provided the icing on the cake while package tours were not necessarily well paid. We did our first with P. J. Proby and got £25 per night (for the lot of us) and we had to pay for our own accommodation!

~

I have already mentioned "Ready, Steady, Go" a show on which we appeared on more than one occasion. The original format called for groups to mime to their records but after a time it was decided that it would become "live" and that the show would be re-titled "Ready Steady Goes Live". We were proud to be picked for the first "live" show and learnt the news via a telephone call to our agent in London from a phone box high in the Pennines. We managed a drunken war-dance of celebration round the phone box believing that this meant we'd really cracked it. As I remember the first show we did featured Tom Jones (complete with lucky rabbits foot) miming to "It's Not Unusual", The Kinks, Donovan and Adam Faith's Roulettes playing live (without Adam). We were promoting our first single "Sweet Mary" and I would put the date at around late 1964.

~

Our first recording deal was with a subsidiary of Southern Music Publishing called Iver Productions and I reckon that would have been mid 1964. Southern had a four track studio in the basement of their offices in Denmark Street ("The Street") and getting the gear downstairs, especially the organ, was "murder". Our first producer was Terry Kennedy and we recorded several tracks with him. Without going too deeply into all the details of recording techniques of the period, one tended to compensate for the lack of tracking facilities available, by attempting to duplicate the live excitement. In many ways it was a frustrating experience particularly for ambitious guitar-players. I was a Steve Cropper freak and I knew as a musician that a lot of his sound on record resulted from him working his amplifier hard in the studio— thus the speaker would emit the sound he was used to on stage. In Britain however, engineers would say "You don't need to play loud man, we can turn you up on the desk". The result was a weedy, thin guitar sound. From way back I'd been experimenting with "feed back" on stage and I really had to dig my heels in about the guitar sound in the studio. Once when I turned my amp up to give it a bit of "wellie" on a solo the engineer bounded out of the control room screaming that the level would bust his microphones!

~

Sometime during the career of The Artwoods it was decided that we should graduate to a better studio. This was arranged by Mike Vernon who also became our producer. Our records had all been released through the Decca Record Co. and Mike was a staff producer with them. Mike w also an authority on "The Blues" and the relationship led to our only single chart record "I Take What I Want" a cover of a Sam & Dave U.S. R&B hit. Mike was also producing John Mayall at the time and it seemed only natural that Mike and The Artwoods should team up. From this point on we recorded at the Decca studio in Broadhurst Gardens, West Hampstead, but I can't honestly say it did any more for us than our previous efforts in the Southern Music basement, although we could now indulge ourselves in the comparative luxury of the eight track studio. Later on, towards the end of the groups life we were signed by Jack Baverstock at Philips Records who was looking for a group to cash in on the thirties-style gangster craze which had been triggered off by the film "Bonnie & Clyde". As a result we changed our name to "St. Valentines Day Massacre" and released a single of the old Bing Crosby hit "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?" It was an ill- fated venture, which I would prefer not to dwell on, virtually signalling the end of the band apart from a few heavy-hearted gigs with a changed line-up.

~

Before that though, there were many great times to remember, and a fair number of gigs that were memorable in one way or another.

One of our favourite gigs was Eel Pie Island which we regularly played once a month; in fact we held the attendance record there for a while until the ageing blues artist Jesse Fuller took it from us. Eel Pie Island is literally an island in the middle of the River Thames at Twickenham and there's never been a gig like it since. It was an Edwardian ballroom originally I believe, that achieved notoriety in the 50's with the Trad Jazz boom. At that time, an overloaded chain ferry was used to convey the crowd across the river, but during the 60's a small bridge was in existence although it was only wide enough to take the promoter Art Chisnall's mini van. He had to make three separate trips across with the gear strapped to the roof and hanging out the back doors.

The audiences were exceptional for those times and I don't know where they all came from... very much like art students and very much more like the 70's than 60's. Long hair predominated and this was before 'hippies' had officially been invented! If you can imagine a ramshackle wooden ballroom, bursting at the seams, condensation pouring from the walls, the audience on each others shoulders leaping up and down, the sprung dance floor bending alarmingly in the middle, in the summer couples strolling outside and lounging on the river bank ... all this and not a disc jockey in sight! One other bonus was that it was a “free” house and therefore sold many different types of beer— we always favoured Newcastle Brown. Back on the 'mainland' afterwards it was always riotous packing the gear into the truck. I don't know how he managed it but one night Malcolm drove our truck over the support band's guitar which happened to be lying about, thus breaking the neck. I'll never forget the shocked look on that poor guitarist's face as Malcolm smoothly slipped the van into gear, apologised and drove off in that order!

~

No trip up north was complete without stopping at the famed Blue Boar on the M1 for a "grease-up" on the way home. I do not refer to truck lubrication but to a particular rock'n'roll delicacy known as “full-house”. This comprised double egg, sausage, chips, beans, tomatoes, fried slice, tea, and (if you were man enough) toast. It was considered a Herculean task to break successfully the 10 bob' (50p) barrier-all served on wobbly cardboard plates that doubled as items to sign autographs on for the self service waitresses.

Waitress: What band are you?

Me: You won't have heard of us.

Waitress: Oh go on, tell us.

Me: OK. The Artwoods.

Waitress: Never 'eard of you!

It was everybody’s dream to walk into the Blue Boar just as their hit of the moment was playing on the Juke Box.

~

One time we were chosen to represent the twentieth century at the centenary celebrations of the State of Monte Carlo— a most lavish affair which the aristocracy and dignatories of Europe attended. Princess Grace and Prince Ranier were the hosts and people like Gina Lollobrigida and the like were there. The ball was held in the famous Casino at Monte Carlo and we stayed in an opulent hotel called The Hermitage, I think. All I can remember is that we all had single rooms (a rare luxury) which were massive, and you could have pitched a tent under one of the bath towels, they were so big. After this we jetted off up to Paris where we played next door to the Moulin Rouge at a club called The Locomotive.

Whilst we were there we were taken out by our friend Mae Mercer, the American lady blues singer who we backed in England. She lived in Paris and took us out to Memphis Slim's club where we all set about drinking like it was going out of style. At the end there was an embarrassing scene concerning the bill with the result that Mae ended up in tears. Whilst we were bumbling about in an alcoholic stupor, an upright looking gentleman put his arm round Mae to comfort her and a wallet appeared magically from his inside pocket. Without further ado the bill was despatched and we later learned that our anonymous benefactor was none other than Peter O'Toole who was busy in the street outside filming 'Night Of The Generals' and was an old buddy of Mae's.

~

One Boxing Day we loaded up with turkey sandwiches and Xmas pudding and headed off for a gig down in Devon or Cornwall somewhere. We arrived to find the club closed and boarded up, and as usual we were broke. Naturally we were livid, checked into an hotel and located the promoter who lived with his mum. Next morning we drove round to where he lived and burst our way past his confused mum. We found him in his bedroom nervously cowering against some fruit machines which he collected. He had no money so we forced him to empty his damned machines with the result that we drove back to London with 50 quids' worth of 'tanners' (approx 22p for the younger reader!)

Whilst on the subject of disasters I suppose I am duty bound to mention Denmark. The first time we went there we caught the ferry to the continent, drove up through Germany, then caught another ferry to Denmark. There was no promoter to meet us when we arrived so all we could do was drive to Copenhagen and check in at the Grand Hotel. It cost us an arm and a leg but at least we got a good nights sleep after being awake for nearly two days travelling. The next day we made a few phone calls and finally tracked down the promoter. He said: "Didn't you get my telegram cancelling the tour?" We politely said no we hadn't and what did he intend doing with us? He checked us into another hotel (cheaper of course) and set about booking us at places that were similar to English coffee bars and youth clubs. We made enough to survive on and paved the way to more successful tours of that country. In fact by now we had Colin Martin on drums and were pursuing a much more adventurous musical policy and writing our own material. It was just right for Denmark who had taken Hendrix to their hearts to name but one, and we subsequently became quite big there in 1967.

The Artwoods achieved modest success-a minor hit single in "I Take What I Want", but we worked constantly, travelled abroad, had fantastic fun and made a living doing so. We had seven single releases, one album, and one EP, and we broadcast both on radio and TV many times. We did stage tours such as the P. J. Proby tour and covered most aspects of "show-biz" apart from actually making a movie. It was the era when bands still had to prove themselves as a live act before being offered a recording contract. now frequently happens of course that an act can become huge record sellers without so much as venturing to do a live gig.

~

So what happened to everyone? Well Art returned to his former occupation as a commercial artist and finds some time to fit in free-lance work between accompanying brother Ron Wood on raving excursions between Rolling Stones gigs. Malcolm moved into the same field as Art and they now work in the same building. Both of them gig occasionally on a semi-pro basis although Malcolm spent some time playing with Jon Hiseman's Colosseum and Don Partridge in the early 70's. Jon Lord became famous with Deep Purple and Whitesnake as did Keef Hartley with John Mayall and various bands of his own. Colin Martin is now a BBC Radio producer of repute. I played in various bands such as Lucas and The Mike Cotton Sound, Colin Blunstone's band, Dog Soldier (with Keef again), before I somehow drifted into studio and theatre work. Recently I formed an R'n'B band called the G.B. Blues Company, and it's great to be back on the road again.   ”

Derek Griffiths.

Clipping from Record Mirror on June 5, 1965, by Norman Jopling.

“We aim to excite!” … say the Art Woods

Just for the record, the Art Woods aren't a part of Epping Forest. In fact they're a group of five interesting young men, named after the group's leader Art Wood. They also happen to be one of the most realistic groups on the scene.

For a start, they are the awkward position of having a large following, a club residency but no hit record. Secondly. they don't mind pandering to commercial tastes, even though they have been hailed as one of the most authentic R & B groups in the land.

NO PULL

“But authentic R&B just isn't pulling the crowds any more,” says Art. “The audiences want to be excited, not to be lectured on what is 'good' and what is 'bad'. Although there was a time when you could spend half an hour on one number with long solos by everybody, it didn't last long. And although there are some clubs like that still, most of them want something fresh and new.

“And we try to cater for them. We like authentic R&B, but we also like playing everything and anything else. So far, our two discs haven't meant a light. Of course we'd love a hit. But we're lucky enough to make a good living without one.”

DISCS

The Art Woods latest disc is "Oh My Love" and the one before that “Sweet Mary”. Of them Little Walter has said that he couldn't believe any white group could sing and play the blues like they do.

Line-up of the group is Art Wood, leader. vocalist and harmonica. Derek Griffiths, lead guitar, Jon Lord, organ and piano. Malcolm Pool— base guitar, and Keef Hartley on drums. The boys use a specially adapted Lowrie organ, and get a sound that's really different.

But even if the boys sometimes become depressed about no hits records, they should remember groups like Cliff Bennett, the Barron-Knights, the Rockin' Berries and the Yardbirds, and how long THEY waited before they had a hit!

N.J.

[saltybiowarefantears]

1, 10, 14, 36, and 43 for the dragon age ask meme!! :)

101 Dragon Age Questions

1. How did you get into Dragon Age?

Short answer is Alex (mostly). Long answer is when we moved to a new town years ago, I was suuuuuper depressed and stuck at home while looking for work. He plopped me down in front of Mass Effect to pass the time. Was active on deviantart for a while writing fan fic and befriended someone (I miss you allelujah-kyrios, wherever you are *blows kiss into space*) who loved Alistair. She was the first one to kind of mention Dragon Age and I think I just kind of started playing some time after that when Alex bought it as a cheap bundle.

10. Share a pic of your favorite OC from any DA game.

adfkjklasf it Eva.... because of course it is

14. Favorite DA:O party combo?

My canon Warden is a dual-wielding rogue, so I almost always go with Alistair, Morrigan and either Dog or Shale depending on how far I am. Force Morrigan to spec into healing when I pick up Wynne because that is both game sense and also HILARIOUS.

36. What kind of DLC do you hope for for DA:I DA4?

If it's essentially the end of the main series, I demand a Citadel-esque DLC. Give me the fan service, the closure, the happy sighs and laughter to process what undoubtedly will kill me in the main game. That or some sort of expansion-esque thing letting us explore Arlathan before the fall. Let me run around and read lore and talk to people and just... see this beautiful city. I'm a sucker for gorgeous city designs (Altissia from Final Fantasy XV is one of my favorites.)

43. Favorite romance overall so far?

THIS IS SO TOUGH WHYYYYYY. Ok I will cop-out with a bullshit which I personally adore as in would romance and which I love as an experience/narrative. First for the personal preference is Alistair. The big Ali-bear. My beloved. He's funny, sweet, compassionate, grows and matures along with you during your journey... I love him so much. Now for narrative... Solas. akwdjsflkas I KNOW OK. Listen though, I'm literally at the time of writing this languishing waiting for the last novel in a series that involves the main character romancing the embodiment of winter and death. Don't at me, I know my romance taste in books is absolute trash. But I cannot help my trash panda tendencies. It's forbidden romance, it's the longing, it's the heartache, *channeling readwithcindy * it's about the yearning. Anyway I like bittersweet romance and what's more bittersweet in DA romances than boyfriend ghosts you for two years, shows back up as Big Bad, monologues for five minutes, kisses you goodbye and takes your arm.

That's all of them! Thanks so much for the ask! I love doing these and rambling in something other than the tags for once. If anyone else wants to send one, the link to the list is at the beginning or here (x) if you don't want to scroll back up.

[arcticdementor]

When I was in grad school at Purdue these anti-abortion protesters would show up about once a semester. They had these giant signs (and I must admit the graphic design skills were on point) that showed mutilated fetuses, analogized abortion to the Holocaust, and said “Black Lives Matter?” with dubious statistics about the number of Black women who had abortions in a given year. As a pro-choice guy myself I found them offensive. I also recognized them as a part of life, like telemarketers or dandruff.

Some of my peers did not. Grad students from various departments circulated emails calling for a response. Not much ever came of it. (Shocking, I know.) But I remember talking to someone I didn’t know about it, someone from another department. At one point he said “we’re going to no-platform them,” as casually as he might have informed me that he was stopping at Jimmy John’s on the way home. I thought, but did not say, what seemed like the obvious response: that we attended a university run by a pro-life president in a pro-life state with a pro-life governor and a pro-life legislature and a pro-life citizenry and that we were a bunch of powerless disorganized outsider academics who the local population didn’t much like and that if anyone was going to be “no-platformed” it was going to be us. But the thought had apparently not occurred to him, marinated in academia and I’m guessing very online. He was a progressive living in 21st century America and he assumed that those he chose to censor were those he could. This confidence is shared by many left-leaning people today, and it is typical of contemporary liberalism in its combination of arrogance and folly.

One of the themes I’ve come back to many times in my writing is the idea that people mistake empirical claims (this is true about the world) with normative claims (this should be true about the world). Nowhere is this more clear than with “hate speech”1 and censorship. I think hate speech laws are politically and morally wrong, a normative claim, but more importantly they don’t work, an empirical claim - one which if true renders normative claims that hate speech laws are good irrelevant.

The debate about whether we should censor unpopular views such as hate speech is an important one, but also a strange one. In my experience, it operates wholly independent from any consideration of the restraints of reality. People debate only on the level of the highest principle; everything is a referendum on the mores of democracy. They are all should questions - should we erode the right to free expression in the name of protecting minority groups from psychic harms? Should we prohibit the use of certain offensive terms? Should we declare some political positions out of bounds in public society? But all of these normative questions depend on the answers to empirical questions that preempt them, “cans” that come before “shoulds.” Can we actually protect minority groups from psychic harms through laws intended to limit speech? Can we actually prevent people from using offensive terms in any practical and meaningful sense? Can we actually limit political positions, given that they have a tendency to be reworded or rebranded and that trying to restrict them tends to feed them as they bubble under the surface?

…

France has gone back to the online hate speech well, only this time rebranded - as a combo with some Islamophobic provisions. It appears that the hate speech game can be played by the bad guys too. Some people think we should restrict racial slurs, some other people think that’s a good idea plus let’s use that law to restrict all those radical Muslim teachings. You see it turns out that when you insist on promulgating a nebulous, easily-manipulated term like “hate speech,” you are giving free rein to bad people to exploit it for their own ends. France has also recently attempted to pass a law severely restricting the ability of citizens to share photos and videos of police violence. You see, when you government gets in the censorship game, they don’t stop just where you want them to. This may come as a shock but consistent principles like “don’t censor people” are easier to defend than sentiments like “censor people because they’re bad but make sure you ask me who’s bad first because I’m the one who decides who’s bad, OK?”

Of all the pretense and hubris that regularly spools forth from the social justice crowd, probably the most deluded is their dogged belief that if some new laws restricting speech were to be passed, they would inevitably be the ones to choose who gets silenced and what they don’t get to say. This is from a group that constantly self-identifies as marginalized and othered, and yet they are certain that they will be the ones left on the throne to decide who gets to say what. Why? I have no idea. The cops like you as little as you like them, lefties. You really think they’re gonna enforce the hate speech law the way you want them to? You want to defund the police, you think they’re irredeemably racist, you think they’re all fascists at heart, but you also want to give them sweeping new powers to limit what people say? That’s… strange.

[elizabethemerald]

Ship Asks Poly Mystery Inc.

roguecs17

replied to your post

“SEND ME A SHIP and I’ll tell you:”

Ot4 Mystery Inc.

Listen, this is some galaxy brain shit right here. I fucking love the idea of Poly Mystery Inc. I feel like it’s most people’s first poly ship, even if they didn’t know what that was at the time. Anyways, here we go!

Who said “I love you” first

Fred. He wasn’t the first to fall in love, but he was the first to say it. He’s a take charge kind of guy, he’s not going to leave his feelings unaddressed. 

Also he didn’t say it to a specific person. The gang was driving to another haunted location and were having fun, talking and laughing. And he just said “I love you guys,” and he meant it. 

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background

Each of them has a different combo of the others as their background. Velma has a picture of the other three all asleep. They had just solved a mystery and she was still to amped to fall asleep quickly, so the rest had fallen asleep in a massive cuddle pile. Then Scooby fell asleep spread across all three of them. 

Daphne has a picture of Velma and Fred with their heads together looking at some clues. In the background Shaggy is screaming and pointing over her head. The ghost of the day was right behind her when she took the picture, but it’s still one of her fav pics. 

Fred has a picture of them have they busted the bad guy. One of the cops took the picture. All four of them are posing around the villain of the hour, his mask in Velma’s hand. But none of them were looking at him or the camera. They were all looking at each other, love in their eyes. 

Shaggy’s looks like it could be an instagram shot of a meal he had prepared (right before Scooby ate it) but you can see all around the table are the rest of his lovers. Each with a meal that is uniquely them. All of them just relaxing and having a fun time, far from any ghosts. 

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror

None. Too many times that’s happened on the mysteries they are solving. Scooby and Shaggy will freak out if it happens. Velma will investigate. Fred and Daphne will get annoyed. It’s not as romantic when it’s a constant part of their day job. 

Who buys the other cheesy gifts

Shaggy. It’s part of why he loves traveling with them all so much. At each new location he buys some cheap thing. The van is constantly full of them. Each of the others have one that is super special to them. 

Who initiated the first kiss

In a poly relationship I feel like this is a much more interesting question. 

Velma was the one who initiated her first kiss with each of the others. Daphne first, then Fred, then Shaggy. She’s not always the most connected with feelings. But she knows the evidence. and she knew she wanted to kiss them. So during the course of one mystery she sought them each out to kiss them. Shaggy was last because she wasn’t sure if he liked getting kisses. 

Fred initiated with Daphne and was kissed first by Shaggy. He thought he was hetero for a while, and also thought he and Daphne were monogamous.He realized neither were true when Shaggy kissed him. 

Daphne kissed Shaggy first. She had been kissed by Fred and Velma and she was going to make sure she kissed every one she loved. 

Shaggy is generally not huge on kissing in general, but he is huge on free love and wanted to make sure the other knew he loved them. He’s the one who kisses the least after the first kisses. 

Who kisses the other awake in the morning

Scooby! :) They are dog kisses but kisses all the same. 

Who starts tickle fights

Shaggy and Fred. The girls can get a little intense with their mystery solving (and depression), so the boys try to help them relax. Get them laughing. Velma will try to remain serious if she was in the middle of something, but Daphne will tickle back with a vengeance. 

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower

(How old are they in canon? Like are they teenagers?) If they are not teenagers then it’s Daphne and Shaggy. They love being in the shower in general and with their partners in particular. It became such a habit that Fred had to put a ban on it at certain locations. They would use up all the hot water, or it would end up with the whole gang trying to shower together. 

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch

Shaggy. Was there ever a doubt here? Food is his life. 

Who was nervous and shy on the first date

Velma. some of her previous relationships had ended sourly, and she really loved the rest of the gang. She didn’t want this relationship to end badly as well. And she really didn’t want to end her the mystery solving. Daphne was the next most nervous. She also didn’t want the relationship to change or grow awkward. They both felt much better after the first few dates. 

Who kills/takes out the spiders

Daphne kills them. Velma captures them and either studies them or releases them outside. Shaggy does not like spiders. and Fred is largely indifferent. 

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk

Are you kidding? They can’t go out and drink in public, because it just becomes a competition. Who can proclaim their love the loudest. Velma’s caused explosions before to proclaim her love. Daphne has stolen the sound equipment from one of the hauntings to shout her love. They have too much chaotic energy when all together and all drunk. 

@roguecs17 If you have more questions or prompts for the OT4 of Mystery Inc, please send them my way. I want to talk more about them and how much they love each other. 

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Magnolia

I don’t know much about Magnolia or Paul Thomas Anderson, but I do know that it takes someone paying me to get me to watch a 3-hr+ drama that doesn’t star Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and a really big boat. This is one of my mom’s favorite movies which is why she requested it for me to review. It’s packed with a balls-to-the-wall star-studded cast (Tom Cruise! Julianne Moore! Phillip Seymour Hoffman! John C. Reilly! William H. Macy! Felicity Huffman!) and I’m genuinely excited to see how they all fit together. Cause they have to all fit together in some coherent way, right? Well...

Do you remember in Sorry to Bother You when the Equisapiens came out and things just took like...a real turn? That’s kind of what this was like. Whereas StBY pushed a thought to its most extreme, but logical, conclusion, what Paul Thomas Anderson has done here feels like a magician doing a lot of impressive illusions - sawing a lady in half, making a motorcycle disappear, pulling smaller things out of bigger things - and then for his final trick, walking onstage amidst a grand plume of smoke, dropping his pants, taking a gigantic shit, and then saying, “You’ve been a great audience, thanks a lot and goodnight!” It’s not like you can say the experience was BAD. Everything up to the finale was a really great time! But when you’re left on a note that is that bafflingly odd, it kinda colors the way you’ll remember the whole thing.

Magnolia is the story of one long day in the life of 12 people living in Los Angeles who are all connected via an extensive web from acquaintances to married couples to parents and children to paid caregivers and beyond. It’s a day that has the same kind of ups and downs as any other day until it, well, turns into something else entirely. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but if you want to know more, spoilers will be spoiled below.

Some thoughts:

Patton Oswalt cameo! I am a massive fan and thought I knew his whole filmography and OMG how did I not know that he was in this!!

Ok, in spite of my skepticism this entire opening sequence about coincidence had me hooked IMMEDIATELY. Like, this is some damn good storytelling, if this were a novel, I would not be able to put it down - that pull, that’s what it feels like.

Am I the only person whose encyclopedic memory of character actors/roles gets distracted when they see someone from something that is wildly disparate compared to the role you’re currently watching? For example, I had to pause the movie and confirm via IMDB that I did just see Professor Sprout from HP scream “Shut the fuck up!” at her husband while brandishing a shotgun.

Would people really recognize a grown ass man from being a successful child game show contestant? I’ll tell you the answer, no they wouldn’t, because no one realizes that Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie from A Christmas Story) is the head of the elf production line in Elf.

I knew this was a stacked cast, but holy SHIT this is a stacked cast. If I had $1 for every fantastic character actor I recognize in this, I would have at least $37, and these are people in the film who have maybe 2-3 lines each. It’s a deep bench is what I’m saying.

This makes me miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman so, so very much.

Watching PSH care for and be so compassionate and gentle with his hospice patient, Earl (Jason Robards),makes my heart ache terribly. All of the people who have been unable to perform this kindness, this type of compassionate care for their closest loved ones as they lie dying in isolation of Covid...it’s overwhelming.

OMG I’m counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Very Good Dogs in the old man’s house!

I know Scientology is evil and he’s undeniably a complicated and morally grey person. I know all that. But goddamn I just love watching Tom Cruise COMMIT. Particularly when he commits to just absolute fucking sleazebag slimeballs. And boy oh boy is Frank Mackey an absolute fucking sleazebag slimeball.

Related - I know Frank looks like Tom Cruise, so he could get people to sleep with him no matter what, but I honestly feel like as a human being, this flesh suit is WAY more attractive balding and fat in Tropic Thunder than he is in this shiny brown shirt/leather vest/long hair combo.

I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe about these black characters being written by an artsy white dude, because I don’t know any young black kids who want to hang around with cops and offer up information about who committed a murder in their building. In fact, the way all of the black characters are treated in this film - as liars, criminals, the disingenuous “main stream media,” and thieves - feels rooted in some racist ass bullshit. We see a lot of nuance in our white characters, but even in a film that has, shockingly, more than one key black role, we don’t get that spectrum or nuance.

There is nothing I would love more than to learn that Frank Mackey is 1) gay 2) impotent or 3) both. He’s so disgustingly over-the-top misogynistic, it honestly feels like it should all be a complete act.

I confess I am on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how all these narrative threads tie together. It’s compelling as hell, even though half the time I don’t know why these people are having these long, meandering conversations. The pacing feels so deliberate, like a puzzle coming together. There’s real craftsmanship in how every scene is plotted to feel connected rather than manic or disjointed.

This pharmacist is being unprofessional as hell. Judgy McJudgerson, mind your fucking business, Julianne Moore’s father is dying! [ETA: ope, that’s embarrassing, Earl is actually her husband.]

NO THE DOG IS EATING THE PILLS OH NO VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG.

I think I knew this, but this soundtrack is fantastic. All Aimee Mann and Supertramp, and Jon Brion’s score is this thrumming, anxious thing full of strings that underscore all these nervous conversations, and then it shifts into these low, mournful horns when things start to take a turn and everyone is reaching their lowest points.

I love this interviewer (April Grace) who is taking Frank (Tom Cruise) to task. I think it’s particularly noteworthy that she is a black woman, because the kind of misogyny Frank peddles is rooted in white supremacy.

Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is breaking my goddamn heart here. I think he and Phil (PSH) are my favorite characters.

Jim (John C Reilly) is the perfect example of how even a cop with the best intentions, with absolute kindness and love is in heart, is abusing his power and sexually harassing a woman he encountered in the line of duty, who is eager to appease him because she doesn’t want to be charged with a crime. This movie reads a LOT differently than it did in 1999.

I normally really love Julianne Moore, but she is a screeching mess in this. I can’t stop staring at her mouth and all the contortions it makes as she delivers every line in hysterics. She’s one of the few weak spots for me here.

Listening to Frank go on his whole diatribe about what society does to little boys to break them and victimize them HAS to be the source of where Keith Raniere got at least half of his NXIVM bullshit. Like, some of these points are word-for-word.

Also if Frank makes as much money as he seems to, there’s no way he would drive a shitty Saturn sedan.

It feels like the common thread of this movie is everyone is terrible and cheats on their spouses, and you should come clean when you get cancer so you can die peacefully. Weird moral, but ok.

If Jim is a cop, how does he not see that this woman he’s interested in (Melora Walters) is coked out of her mind?

Y’know for being a quiz kid, Donnie (William H. Macy) sure is kinda stupid.

I confess I’m not taking many notes throughout this because I’m just kind of sitting breathlessly still watching all these conversations unfold because I am on the edge of my fucking seat to find out how all this is gonna come together.

Secret MVP of this movie is the mom from A Christmas Story (Melinda Dillon) who is giving the performance of her goddamn life as Jimmy Gator’s wife.

Did I Cry? On the surface it appears ridiculous, but when Tom Cruise is having his breakdown at his dying father’s bedside, I admit, that really got me. If you’ve ever been faced with that kind of hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening, it feels like the whole world is ending kind of shock and hurt and anger, that’s what the crying looks like.

Are those......frogs?? That landed on Jim’s car? It’s raining fucking frogs???? OK for those of you sensitive to frog harm, this movie is going to take a real hard left turn for you, because I swear that came out of NOWHERE.

Um.

What.

Pray tell.

The fuck.

The climax of this movie - is when literal frogs rain from the sky.

And we finally got resolution about the dog, and the dog DID die, and I’m pissed about it. It’s offscreen but still.

I'm sorry - I know I’m fixating. But how is it possible that I knew about all the characters performing a sing-along to Aimee Mann’s (excellent) song “Wise Up” but I did NOT know that the climax of the film involves literally thousands of frogs falling to their death from the sky? How is that something that escapes entry into the cultural zeitgeist? I’m with it, you guys. I have been Very Online for over a decade, and before that, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly, and like it just seems that this is something that pop culture really should have told me.

I think the funniest moment of this movie might be the credits in which I discovered that not only is Luis Guzman playing a man named Luis, he’s actually playing himself. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing about it. That was a 189-minute setup to one dumb punchline.

I think I loved this movie but I don’t quite know. The frog thing really threw me. What I’m taking away from it is that even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it, we are all connected to each other, always, in ways we can’t see or know. As Wife astutely pointed out, it’s reminiscent of the pandemic - we’re all in the same storm, but we each have our own boats and our own experiences within that storm. And it’s kind of nice to remember that right now, that connection still exists even when it feels so far away. Just not if you’re a frog I guess, cause they really got the short end of the stick here.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[lovemesomesurveys]

what’s the first thing you think of in the morning? I always check the time first. have you/do you own something that’s been recalled due to safety reasons? No. do you smile at strangers in public? If we make eye contact or they smile at me first. what’s the weirdest, best tasting concoction of food you’ve made? Ramen and shredded cheese. It’s not weird at all, but it’s one of my favorite combos. It’s SO good. do you like to play jenga? Sure. I haven’t played in quite a long time, though.

do you remember the game perfection? Yeah. That game was suuuuper anxiety inducing. That, and Operation.  do you like gardening? I have no interest in it. are you adopted? if so, have you ever met your biological parents? I’m not adopted.  if you plan to go to college, what for? if you don’t plan to go to college, whats your plan? I got my BA in psych. name 5 things you could use from walmart right now? I don’t really need anything at the moment. My mom recently picked up a few things for me that I needed. what’s your favorite christmas song? I love Christmas music. I love all the classics. if you have a dog, does it sleep with you? No, she likes to sleep on her couch in the living room. do you like fresca? Wow, I haven’t had that since I was a teenager. who would you want to be with if you found out the world was ending? My family. would you rather your middle name be your first? No. does it bother you if your socks don’t match? I always wear matching socks. do you like jigsaw puzzles that are 500+ pieces? Yeah. I have’t done a puzzle in SO long, but I’ve actually been wanting to. if you get married, who would cook? I don’t plan on getting married, but if I ever miraculously found someone and we moved in together I really hope he can cook cause I sure as hell can’t. would you name your child after someone you know? I don’t plan on having kids.  have you ever been on a cruise? Nope. They sound fun, but I’d be very anxious and scared. Just the thought of being out in the middle of the ocean is terrifying. what celebrity do you get told you look like? None. have you ever taken a vicodin? That’s the pain medication I take. are you a vegetarian? No. how many towels do you use after a shower? Just one. what kind of shoes do you prefer to wear? Adidas. where do you work, if you do? I don’t. do you like v-neck tshirts? No. do you wear sweats a lot? No, but I wear leggings a lot. And by a lot I mean everyday. how long does it take you to get ready on a bummy day? Everyday for me is a “bummy” day. If I actually go anywhere (not currently since this whole quarantine thing) I just throw something on, brush my teeth, put on deodorant, and quickly throw my hair up in a pony tail or bun. Or just put on a hat.  does wearing your hair up symbolize that it is unwashed? No? I always have it up regardless. do you like roller coasters? Noooo. have you ever been to pittsburgh, pa? Nope. do you like seth rogen? Not really. would you accept a friend request from someone you thought didn’t like you? Uhh, probably not. If I felt that way I’d wonder why they were sending me a friend request; though, and perhaps think I was wrong about how they felt. That just seems awkward. would you smoke marijuana if it were legal? It’s legal here. if you believe in god, why? Because I do. do you think before you speak? >> Sure. Sometimes stuff slips out before I can fully vet it, but it’s usually nothing too bad. Just jumbled or not fully articulate. <<<< are you easily embarrassed? Yes. would you ever flash a cop if you knew you’d get out of a ticket? Absolutely not. have you ever seen the hbo show entourage? Nope. Didn’t seem of interest to me. what’s your favorite commercial? There were a couple commercials recently that Alexander Skarsgard was in for an Italian car. Alfa Romeo, I think.

[unlimitedskyeproductions]

100 Random Things About Miriam Gurin

1: full name is Miriam Gurin - she never really brings up her middle name often so nobody's really sure what it is 2: she also responds to Miri, Her Royal Highness, and Potato 3: nobody knows why she respnds to being called Potato 4: sometimes she specifically asks to be called Potato 5: there are times when she won't respond to anything BUT Potato 6: it only gets weirder from here so if you're not prepared then stop reading this list cuz I ain't sayin it again 7: born on a Saturday at 4:00 AM on May 18th 8: 19 years old but she'll occasionally act like she's 7 for who the fuck knows why 9:  really sarcastic and funny and generally super laid-back 10: doesn't really get angry about anything ever unless someone is really really annoying or rude to her on purpose 11: solid G-cup 12: do not force her to run or she will die because her boobs are very very heavy 13: often makes jokes about how large her chest is 14: has stated on several occasions that she doesn't even HAVE boobs at this point - she has natural flotation devices 15: spends about 15 hours a day eating and snacking but never gains any weight (except she does actually - it literally just goes straight to her breasts and makes them even bigger) 16: not thicc but not skinny either 17: always experimenting with crazy hairstyles 18: almost always has her hair up in uniquely designed ponytails 19: when her hair is down it literally almost touches the floor 20: her vision is 100% perfect without her glasses until you make her try to read something, and then she just instantly becomes illiterate 21: fully Japanese but perfectly fluent in English and often speaks in it around her Japanese friends just to fuck with them and make them wonder what the hell she's even saying 22: potentially self aware and knows that she doesn't even exist and is fictional 23: heterosexual bitch 24: watches a lot of  american police and car-chase shows 25: can hold her breath underwater for SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES 26: possibly a marine animal 27: she'll eat any damn thing you put in front of her as long as it isn't rotten 28: she ate cow liver on a dare once and just... started buying it constantly after that because apparently it tasted fantastic? ??? 29: did this for over six months 30: A MASTER AT MARIO KART AND ONLY RIVALED IN SKILL BY BLAKE 31: literally cannot go two seconds without saying something random and completely off-topic 32: she made an online dating profile once just for shits and giggles and the information she provided was ridiculous 33: she stated that her sexuality was "maple syrup" and for her hobbies all she put was "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEED" despite the fact that she's not even a stoner 34: SHE'S A TOTAL SLUT FOR DORITOS and if you ever give her any at any point she will automatically be your best friend 35: she has an entire sub-reddit called "caterpillars in hats" and it's literally just pictures she took of caterpillars she found outside either wearing tiny hats she got from doll clothes or just photoshopped to be wearing one 36: it has over 700 subscribers and she's very proud of her masterpieces 37: super flirtatious all the damn time 38: the oldest of eight sisters 39: has a thing for sexy cops 40: she knows a an actual sexy cop for reals 41: she wants a piece of dat sexy cop 42: 100% does not care about sex in any way at all 43: not apathetic, just thinks that there's way more important stuff than sex 44: like caterpillars in hats 45: perfect candidate for motorboating and she'll probably let you do that to her because she thinks it's funny 46: spends several nights a week  reading creepypastas and then bingewatching stupid shit like cat memes just to cleanse her soul because it stresses her out 47: despite this she does it eVERY FUCKING NIGHT 48: she knows it's bad for her but she just keeps reading 49: firmly believes the Rake lives in her bedroom closet 50: if someone says or does something she doesn't like she respnds with a very loud "FUCK OFF, GIL" 51: she doesn't get scared easily despite all the creepypastas she reads, if anything just a bit paranoid 52: if you poke her while she's reading them she'll probably hit you with her keyboard so if you see her at the computer at 2 am make sure you clearly and audibly declare your presence before approaching 53: favorite movies are Scary Movie 1 through 5 54: personally I had no idea there was a 5th Scary Movie 55: IT CAME OUT IN 2013 FOR FUCKS SAKE 56: I got a bit sidetracked here and honestly Miriam does that a lot too 57: she has a pet tarantula that's literally the size of her fucking hand 58: she named it Fuzzy and she plays with it as if it's a fucking dog 59: all other spiders are gross to her but apparently Fuzzy is fine 60: Fuzzy isn't poisonous or anything so she'll let it just 61: sit 62: on her head 63: on any given occasion 64: because she's insane 65: she can say over 75 different swear words and insults in Latin 66: nobody knows why 67: she has double-jointed wrists and she does all kinds of weird hand tricks to freak people out 68: one of her pinkies is significantly shorter than the other and she likes to believe she's the first in a line of natural born humans who will slowly evolve to not have pinkies 69: she owns 97 bras 70: it's super hard to find ones that support her chest size so she just improvises 71: the password to her home wifi is supercalafragioulisticexpialadoscious 72: she loves seeing people's reactions when they realize she's not fucking with them and that's literally the fucking password 73: HATES PEANUT BUTTER 74: not because of the taste but because of the texture 75: she fucking loves the taste of peanut butter but can't bring herself to eat something like a peanut butter sandwich because the texture is gross to her 76: she can mimic a dog barking perfectly and it's scarily accurate 77: likes to come up behind people and just bark at them to scare them 78: once disguised herself as a potted bush in a public area and scared people for fun 79: needs to make a youtube channel for pranks but she's too lazy 80: NEVER MISSES AN EPISODE OF JERRY SPRINGER 81: suffers from frequent back pain becsuse her chest is so fucking huge 82: she weighed just her breasts on a scale once - both combined were 48 pounds 83: wants to get them reduced to a nice, classy, tolerable B-cup 84: but again she's lazy and also she doesn't really wanna deal with a surgery 85: almost always wearing eitber pants or shorts 86: she literally only owns one dress and it's black 87: the dress is perfect and both casual and classy events, and she wears it for weddings, funerals, and other random social events where it would be inappropriate to show up in jeans and a t-shirt (her preferred outfit combo) 88: likes to put song lyrics in one language into Google translate, then translate them back and then sing the fucked up wrong lyrics 89: investing money into building a blinding laser weapon 90: her motto is "Life will go on like your bra strap goes on your chest" 91: when people mention that one's bra strap doesn't actually go on one's chest she just grins and... says nothing until someone awkwardly changes the subject 92: likes saying weird random things in conversation just to mess everyone up 93: has an unnecessary fear of moths for some reason 94:  HAS NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO JUMP ROPE AT ALL 95: also can't use a treadmill 96: she can run for about three seconds before she just falls on her face 97: calls everyone Joe 98: both friends and strangers 99: she doesn't care who you are - if you're in your life, your name is Joe 100: all in all she's a very good potato

[tranxendance]

Must-watch Super Best Friends LPs: A curated list

So, I tried to get a friend of mine into bestfriends when he was in active service and didn’t have much time to sit and watch youtube. While I think you should probably watch all of the bestfriends content, aint nobody got time for that, and there are certain LPs that are just better ones. Here’s a list of what I consider to be the best SBFP lets plays. There won’t be any ‘Matt’s toybox’ or one-offs, only full LPs.

Predator: Concrete Jungle - Originator of Jerry the Predator, the very first bestfriends OC. Also I really like the Predator so this trash game getting ripped to shreds by the anti-hype machine makes me feel good. https://youtu.be/0wF6r-JRTvQ

Eternal Darkness - The climax of the very first Shitstorm of Scariness. Genesis of the Insanity Shotgun, marking out about recognizing Metal Gear Solid voice actors, INSANITY EFFECTS and freaking out about the bathtub scare despite knowing it was coming. https://youtu.be/lYRVeFkTvCM

Silent Hill: Homecoming - First half of the Downcoming series. ‘MY HOUSE!’ ‘Why is the knife the best weapon? Just do knife combos to them, thats survival horror’ https://youtu.be/GLgN5WSiiX4

Silent Hill: Downpour - Second half of the Downcoming series. The first time I saw the guys play a game that was brand new at the time. Pat & Matt getting upset about the downturn of one of my and their favorite series. The famous Axe Throw that launched a career is in this one too I believe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5ofoIeb8wI&list=PLAD720396A1870C8E

Resident Evil 2 - Earliest recorded footage of Pat’s stand CRAZY TALK where he claims to know a thing or be an expert and is proven unequivocably wrong. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cgbuv3cB1Q&list=PLB8826287748EFE7C

Final Fight: Streetwise - What happens when you take a classic beat em up and try to make it cool and modern with lots of Slipknot music? It ages fucking poorly that’s what. ‘I got a receipt for my Tatsu’ ‘I’d like to return this shoryureppa’, Live footage of the bestfriends souls leaving their body in The Stiff boss fight, Some actually decent writing and lines such as ‘Feeling good about potentially feeling good’ which Matt will quote for years to come. https://youtu.be/HnRNyfzKLL8

Man vs Wild - Not so much a must-watch as it’s just the boys in their element, playing shovelware, deliberately failing QTEs to laugh at how pitiful it looks when you do, making fun of people’s accents, and much more. Indicative of the bestfriends style of sort of mst3king videogames. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1NGPAOrE80&list=PL57hJfweW_2s2jyxas78kIib9M3jGduU8

Heavy Rain - The very first game played in the Sadness trilogy. ‘Oh no, I made ze bad game’, more fucking up of QTEs when it’d be funny, Detective Shelby’s PI Gumball technique after shooting thirty rounds out of a handgun without reloading, FUTURE GLASSES, and other classics. Woolie will play this himself on a livestream, many years later, which is also a good watch. https://youtu.be/Qe-SpjInztQ

Indigo Prophecy - The first game of the Sadness trilogy, though it was played later than Heavy Rain. Space kung-fu, zombie sex with a lady you barely know, your choices don’t matter!, Slagging off of David Cage intensifies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YacYbUC_FmQ&list=PL57hJfweW_2sOt01sX9TtQRkzv5RS231f

Charles Barkley’s Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden - Seems to be originally selected as a ��ha ha, we’re playing a bad and stupid game to laugh at it’ but then discovering it’s legitimately awesome despite being frankly ridiculous. If you can’t play the game yourself, this is a very good substitute. https://youtu.be/xNc9R1zfwM0

Beyond: Two Souls - The third game of the Sadness trilogy. David Cage creeping on Ellen Paige in real life and making her be naked in his game, E MO SHUNS, having feelings but not knowing where to put them, ‘I’ll be your Stand! ORARARARARARA’, Underwater chinese ghost base. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA_VUoePgrc&list=PL57hJfweW_2ulXc25A-LxxHXMPqLOwrsf

Deadly Premonition - Swery65′s magnum opus, if only he could’ve put bicycles in the game. He totally didn’t watch Twin Peaks you guys. ‘QUIIIIIIINT!’, ‘Stinky agent’, radio fast travel stock tire screech sfx, monkey noise squirrels and a weird amount of attention paid to food. Matt named his pet cat Zach due to this game, so it’s an extra important part of the bestfriends lore. https://youtu.be/dsbfmIqP-H8

Disaster: Day of Crisis - Metal Gear Solid except the giant robots are natural disasters. Gotta get revenge on the volcano for killing my buddy. Eating watermelons while on fire. Don’t forget to take your stami-nas. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Sx8gqSjkMY&list=PL57hJfweW_2t-vHWWeqjY2SKH4vaqotZ6

Yakuza 4 - My first exposure to the Yakuza game series and actually a good starting point for people that don’t know anything about it. The hype, badassery, and hilarity in all its glory. Who’s ready for a shirtless fight on top of Millennium Tower? https://youtu.be/xOKx_79BEhY

Prison Break - More shovelware where they fail stealth sequences a million times, fail QTEs because it’s hilarious, and can’t show too much violence because it’s a T-rated game. https://youtu.be/TsjGGGSZabA

Resident Evil 4 HD - Get hype for suplexing priests, El Gigante, Doctor Salvatore, Isn’t that Mexican spanish not Spanish Spanish? Commando shit and the RE movie, Oops Ashley is dead again, Pat is bad at puzzles and crazy talk activates. https://youtu.be/qsazQp4VlI0

Silent Hill 2 - Everything is illness, or else its condoms! The nurses are TOO STRONG!, the boys actually just enjoying a game and (mostly) being good at it for once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsYYIjaNPP8&list=PL57hJfweW_2vMmw0MLZp8I16DA-Qev8ec

Resident evil Revelations 2 - Re vuh lay uh tons!, Wait how’d a non mainline resi game get this good?, MOIRA MC TAGGART MC MURPHY, another co-op LP where Matt’s actual role in the game mechanics is to point out ammo and health items that Pat missed. https://youtu.be/THfgNlcNa98

Resident Evil 3 - Jill Valentine’s not actually last escape, Crazy Talk activates several times, Shitting on Hunter-D’s, being a huge coward constantly like the hero of RE brad vickers. https://youtu.be/G5pXyRhs7FM

Ride to Hell - Legendarily bad game played by canadian losers that make fun of it constantly. Source of just SO MANY bestfriends gifs including casual priest drownings, getting shot during cutscenes, and Qui-gon chi. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEw04pKaVs4&list=PL57hJfweW_2srGztN1iedcFd-BV5X1Ram

Parasite Eve - It’s time for Aya Breakowski to GET HOT. It’s a squaresoft game all right, dogs with sniper rifles, finishing downloading arcana heart, and the heroest of hero cops willingly lighting on fire to give you a gun. https://youtu.be/dHY5ZBSHzyw

Danganronpa - Ultra Despair Girls - First recorded instance of being incredibly hype and getting into the cool pop art aesthetic, komaeda memes, and then all hype leaving our body, and out of context shouting KILL THOSE SHIT KIDS! https://youtu.be/qYtYp4oWBhU

Life is Strange - Liam’s rivalry with another wimpy boy, Hotdogman: Who is he?, You sacrificed everyone for your Ship? Are you Griffith?, and rewinding time to fuck with people for kicks. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XZ7-wFLnfI&list=PL57hJfweW_2u1mKS5UFNgx-voVAvTlkT9

Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain - Built-up hype from over one thousand years of waiting is collectively released. Psycho Mantis is OP, let the legend come back to life, GREATEST SOLDIER IN THE WORLD BIG BOSS, D-dog is the cutest and bestest of boys, and famously awkward jeep ride. https://youtu.be/505vXWYkxcw

Afro Samurai - Perhaps the shovelest of ware ever played on the channel. It’s very short, only 3 parts, about 90 minutes of gameplay, something that everyone should be super hype about but ends up being the most shitted on game since perhaps one of the Sadness games. https://youtu.be/wIXqEulMTIo

Resident Evil Zero HD - Get hyped for Oven Man mk2, math puzzles, getting pissed off at Eliminators, Rebecca! God dammit Rebecca! I love youuuuu rebeccaaaaaa, Leech Man, and playing dress-up. https://youtu.be/Mhnthhluh70

Metal Wolf Chaos - Giant robots and engrish, more than your body can handle! AMERICA!!!! Richard Hawke! OK, Lets PARTEEEEEEEY! Tons of references they’ll be using until the end of time https://youtu.be/Mhnthhluh70

Naruto: The Broken Bond - ‘Wait, this game is actually good?’ and then three parts later oops no its not. Second instance of being super hyped at first and then all joy slowly being sucked out of the boys’ body. Do your rasengan, even when you’re not playing as Naruto! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo92m-rfeHA&list=PL57hJfweW_2uIIqa3HTcbsvM5LO1ObM_5

The Punisher - Rice cookers, My family-family-family!, guessing Frank’s one-liners, violent safety PSAs, and interrogating the boat https://youtu.be/wznGw9fJNCc

Disaster Report - ‘Is this Disaster day of crisis’ sequel?’, The honeycomb-caisonne method, press triangle to HEY!, be mean to your waifu, and abandon your friends like a hero would do. https://youtu.be/UYiwWU8EZcU

Final Fantasy X - Matt talks about Lulu’s boobs a lot, BLEETSBOLL, Wakka the racist, kimahri push, Finding all the memes possible, Hype Cactaur!, ‘I’ll pay you to fuck off, okay?’, and punting a boss over the horizon. A long watch and the boys are kinda bad at the game but good for the patient. https://youtu.be/qpZeMkthdZ8

Omikron: The Nomad Soul - The secret first entry of the Sadness Trilogy, ‘Get in the slider!’, Blackface Boyz, The real final boss is david cage!, getting trapped in bug purgatory, yes this is how you should honor the memory David Bowie by playing this game, Using the power of all three bestfriends to beat the game, and having no consequences for failure right up until THE MOST CONSEQUENCES. https://youtu.be/691RrF9pnaU

Silent Hill 3 -  No talking during the cut scenes, beef jerky, a detective does a Jerry Seinfeld on Silent Hill by accident, and ‘It’s a metaphor for dicks/childbirth!‘

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4wERZf6bns&list=PL57hJfweW_2v34HsPK-4Hfqmkb22zjBWC

Tony Hawk’s Underground - Woolie lives the skateboarder life he never could for real. ‘Won’t they notice that it’s not Eric Sparrow on the video when they see a clearly black man doing that jump?’, Eric Sparrow is basically up there with Griffith for villains the bestfriends hate the most, and ‘I can do a grind all day’ https://youtu.be/3HLPS_nwHG8

Parasite Eve 2 - More of Breakowski and getting HOT, ‘This is basically a survival horror game’, The dog from Independance Day must survive or else you’re on the bad ending! https://youtu.be/JedQqaXdWLc

LA Noire - The big one, the one I always suggest for new bestfriends watchers as being emblematic of their style and sense of humor and weaknesses as players. Woolie can’t navigate this map, ‘Sometimes you’ve gotta shake the tree and see what falls out’, Shotgun man wrecks your shit!, making noises to go along with the faces that the characters are making, ‘Pedophilia? That’s a free pass in my town sir’, Stealing the worst possible cars because they thought it’d be cool, forgetting the controls for every single fistfight sequence, Cole Phelps super cop!, and LP Funsies. https://youtu.be/-bPqjD_zg5g

Policenauts - Kojima’s game from when he was allowed to work on things besides Metal Gear. It’s definitely white blood and not anything sexual, SHOOTINGU SEQUENCE, Holy crap our main character is a bigoted piece of shit!, Figure out the bomb puzzle!, We’re definitely not Riggs and Murtagh to the point where Woolie says ‘I’m gettin too old for this shit’ about 70 times, and the uncomfortable truth of cloning. https://youtu.be/kWcecAHiOys

Dead Space 2- Notable mostly for me as Dead Space 2 was the first bestfriends video I ever saw back when they were on Machinima, so I was quoting Space Rave and asking Matt if he needed a blankey to fight the monsters. https://youtu.be/1QzY-TjFGFI

Resident Evil 7 - We hate the molded as an enemy type, OOOH GOD DAMMIT JACK, He fucking exploded into goo!, What was your plan?, I can’t shoot the granny, We definitely used a pump action shotgun in world war 2 (Actually yes we did, Matt), Shadow puzzles, that part of a lady is where all the wasps shoot out, and What that guy doesn’t look like Chris Redfield who is this impostor?! https://youtu.be/SyAZ2-nijDE

Def Jam: Fight for NY - The introduction of Woolie’s OC: Rage beats up rappers, steals their girlfriends, and doesn’t understand intimacy, The full might of Matt’s hatred for Bless is brought out, and they talk about the Aki engine’s contributions to humanity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lry0SYYkvas&list=PL57hJfweW_2tWHTvp2ESXbzp1-jh6YJMQ