#crazy be damned my boy can make-a da pizza

[rascal-rose]

I finally found your pizzano post and I want you to know personally that I've tried the pizza recipie that he posted and it's genuinely fucking good. like of course he's the expert of. pizza but god fucking damnit it god damn SLAPS!! really renders his pizza rant valid ((not that it wasn't valid before but as a certified pizza enjoyer myself [yes i have a certification that totally isn't just something i made up just now] i wanted to like *really* confirm you know??))

thank you for being the brave soul to try it 🫡

[sk3tch404]

ÆÜGH UR MAKING ME MELT AHHHH- ILY TOO, like the SpongeBob to my Patrick in the most positive sense 💆‍♀️ also DAMN YOU TIME ZONES (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ tmw u wanna send ur asks at a reasonable time but the blog owner is only active when you have to got to sleep or during school hours- *sigh* at least there's the weekends. Go get that sleep brother(gender neutral) the sheer insanity of some of my lore are best digested after a full nights sleep

And honestly you can go nuts with the headcanons if you want, considering that I've got nothing except for the core personality traits developed anyways lol. Mans was a screeching Minecraft kid fr in his youth 😔 | Me @ Nonny: No bitches?

Main characters aside and back to the extras, because I think the ayato rip-off was part of the 3 characters we made during German period actually O_O whoops onto the character descriptions (not all too detailed because I'm at school and still need to find the actual character sheets at home and oof)

-So like, the Koreaboo was also like a vsco "girl" so to say (save da turtles!) and also an e-boy, I think there was a linkin park reference written somewhere next to his character like "CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIN" except it read crawling in my crawl because it was an inside joke between me and my friends. He wore a fuck ton of scrunchies around both of his arms and had AirPods, he also has a common Korean name, but it's written with a lot of éèêîõñåū if yknow what I mean, I think he was also a tsundere?

-the koreaboos boyfriend, uhhh he's Swedish, his name was like Björn or smth, we made a Cousin for him at some point, he was never finished, I think he vapes??

-Ayato rip-off, so like, he's an actual chill guy iirc (he was doing the finger gun pose in his sheet) he was a prince of a neighbouring kingdom in our story and marries,,,, the character I'm gonna present next I think. Not sure if we still made him a vampire or if we made him a werewolf just for funnsies 🤔 I'll check once I find the character sheets I guess, also he's a himbo with no braincells, I think his name was Eduard XXVII (it was a twilight reference, Edward -> Eduard)

-Princess #1 (insert world is mine reference) I think her name was smth along the lines of Trudy Lasagna and she was homeless. In the story I think she was crowned homeless Queen at the end. She has a sister whom I'm gonna present next. She has a purple patchwork dress and a burgerking crown, I forgot what her whole personality was, I think it was the stereotypical Disney Princess one??

-Princess #2, i think her name was Pisa Margreta (yes it's a Play on Pizza Margarita) and she was theeeee older(?) sister of Trudy. In the story I think she tried to poison Trudy, but was caught and I'm not sure if she just got exiled or actually sentenced to death but oh well. So like, the thing about her is, she was inspired by Cinderella, e x c e p t, she has a pumpkin head and spaghetti hair, her limbs are also made out of one wooden stick per limb, like she's the worst scarecrow ever. Actually, maybe she was cursed to look like that but idek anymore.

So the thought process for their names were "Ayo what if we gave them the worst possible names possible? Like, what's the ugliest old lady names we can give these princesses?" And then we slapped a pasta theme onto their names too lmao and the rest was history

-Ren'py anon

PATRICK AND SPONGEBOB THAT'S AWESOME JDNEIFHE

The timezone thing is sooooo sad! I wanna be able to answer you asks in a timely manner, but I also wanna catch some Z's-

Anyway, you know, that's crazy bc me and anon nonny played minecraft a lot as kids 😱😱😱 We have something in common!!!1!1!1

Jokes aside though, me and my sister did grow up going on creative mode and building houses out of the good shit like diamond, emerald, gold, and whatnot. They'd be like, as tall as the fucking empire state building, and then we would blow it up with dynamite after all that hard work.

So Koreaboo boy was a mix of vsco and e boy? Esco boy ig (Thank you Izzy from Total drama Action for your persona Escope <3)

He would be out with a million scrunchies on his wrists while having a middle part (He left his uneven bangs out and the rest is tied up) and a Thrasher shirt on with a stripped long sleeve under (Can't forget the hydroflask glued to his hand!) And I oop! Sksksk

"What are u looking at? You think my style is weird??? Well I don't care! At least I'm saving the turtles sksksksk!!!"

His Sweedish bf would either cuss me out in Sweedish and say FUCK YOU at the end for insulting his Koreaboo bf (AND IMMA DO IT AGAIN IDGAF)

Tbh I think they got together bc the Sweedish dude found it interesting how 'different' the Koreaboo boy was from general society and wanted to learn more about his style and 'koreanness'/his love for East Asian cultures (Probably just Japan and Korea tbh) God I hate them so much already.

Honestly, his style would look stupid as hell 😥

Homeless princess x Eduard vampire...

Sounds like if Wattpad and Fanfiction.net had a baby. Also, how does homeless crownings officiate?? And ay, that design is pretty solid if I do say so myself. Burger King crowns are the GOAT to any character design 😎 patchwork dresses can be cute too tf

Eduard sounds actually pretty nice. Instead of Ayato I was thinking of Valentine from Monster high bc I remembered Toralies and Clawdeens little sister and their debate on who's the better looking vampire.

"NO, obviously it's is Edweird~" - quoted from Toralie

Pasta Cinderella sister tries poisoning her other sister gone wrong 4k 1080p high quality HD

on blue ray never!

That design sounds scary just thinking about it 😭 Pumpkin head spaghetti hair but also a bad scarecrow? Man these streets be ratchet asf. Also, are they Italian? All this wordplay with pasta and pizza makes me go, "Yep that's Italian. Italian is when remarked worldwide foods." /hj

And you know, I start to love royal characters more when the have ridiculous names instead of actual ones. Ask Me For Directions Arnold from Genshin's summer event was SOOOO funny and lovable (He was a crow statue that had a crush on Mona and it was the cutest thing ever!)

When they have actual names, its boring and I don't wanna suck up to the monarchy so 😑

Thanks for giving me insight on all of you characters renpy anon! It was so fun analyzing their summaries and how they came to be! Lots of reading for literally just waking up, but it kept me busy and I thoroughly enjoyed doing so.

[birdlord]

Everything I Watched in 2020

We’ll start with movies. The number in parentheses is the year of release, asterisks denote a re-watch, and titles in bold are my favourite watches of the year. Here’s 2019’s list. 

01 Little Women (19)

02 The Post (17) 

03 Molly’s Game (17)

04 * Doctor No (62)

05 Groundhog Day (93)

06 *Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home (86)

07 Knives Out (19) My last theatre experience (sob)

08 Professor Marston and his Wonder Women (17)

09 Les Miserables (98)

10 Midsommar (19) I’m not sure how *good* it is, but it does stick in the ol’ brain

11 *Manhattan Murder Mystery (93)

12 Marriage Story (19)

13 Kramer vs Kramer (79)

14 Jojo Rabbit (19)

15 J’ai perdu mon corps (19) a cute animated film about a hand detached from its body!

16 1917 (19)

17 Married to the Mob (88)

18 Klaus (19)

19 Portrait of a Lady on Fire (19) If Little Women made me want to wear a scarf criss-crossed around my torso, this one made me want to wear a cloak

20 The Last Black Man in San Francisco (19)

21 *Lawrence of Arabia (62)

22 Gone With the Wind (39)

23 Kiss Me Deadly (55)

24 Dredd (12)

25 Heartburn (86) heard a bunch about this one in the Blank Check series on Nora Ephron, sadly after I’d watched it

26 The Long Shot (19)

27 Out of Africa (85)

28 King Kong (46)

29 *Johnny Mnemonic (95)

30 Knocked Up (07)

31 Collateral (04)

32 Bird on a Wire (90)

33 The Black Dahlia (05)

34 Long Time Running (17)

35 *Magic Mike (12)

36 Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (07)

37 Cold War (18)

38 *Kramer Vs Kramer (79) yes I watched this a few months before! This was a pandemic friend group co-watch.

39 *Burn After Reading (08)

40 Last Holiday (50)

41 Fly Away Home (96)

42 *Moneyball (11) I’m sure I watch this every two years, at most??

43 Last Holiday (06) the Queen Latifah version of the 1950 movie above, lacking, of course, the brutal “poor people don’t deserve anything good” ending

44 *Safe (95)

45 Gimme Shelter (70)

46 The Daytrippers (96)

47 Experiment in Terror (62)

48 Tucker: The Man and His Dream (88)

49 My Brilliant Career (79) one of the salvations of 2020 was watching movies “with” friends. Our usual method was to video chat before the movie, sync our streaming services, and text-chat while the movie was on. 

50 Divorce Italian Style (61)

51 *Gosford Park (01) another classic comfort watch, fuck I love a G. Park

52 Hopscotch (80)

53 Brief Encounter (45)

54 Hud (63)

55 Ocean’s 8 (18)

56 *Beverly Hills Cop (84)

57 Blow the Man Down (19)

58 Constantine (05)

59 The Report (19) maddening!! How are people so consistently terrible to one another!

60 Everyday People (04)

61 Anatomy of a Murder (58)

62 Spiderman: Homecoming (17)

63 *To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (95) Of the 90s drag road movies, Priscilla is more visually striking, but this has its moments.

64 Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (92)

65 *The Truman Show (98)

66 Mona Lisa (86)

67 The Blob (58)

68 The Guard (11)

69 *Waiting for Guffman (96) RIP Fred Willard

70 Rocketman (19)

71 Outside In (18)

72 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (08) how strange to see a movie that you have known the premise for, but no details of, for over a decade

73 *Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country (91)

74 The Reader (08)

75 Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (19) This was fine until it VERY MUCH WAS NOT FINE

76 The End of the Affair (99) you try to watch a fun little romp about infidelity during the Blitz, and Graham Greene can’t help but shoehorn in a friggin crisis of religious faith

77 Must Love Dogs (05) barely any dog content, where are the dogs at

78 The Rainmaker (97)

79 *Batman & Robin (97)

80 National Lampoon’s Vacation (83) Never seen any of the non-xmas Vacations, didn’t realize the children are totally different, not just actors but ages! Also, this one is blatantly racist!

81 *Mystic Pizza (88)

82 Funny Girl (68)

83 The Sons of Katie Elder (65)

84 *Knives Out (19) another re-watch within the same year!! How does this keep happening??

85 *Scott Pilgrim Vs The World (10) a real I-just-moved-away-from-Toronto nostalgia watch

86 Canadian Bacon (92) vividly recall this VHS at the video store, but I never saw it til 2020

87 *Blood Simple (85)

88 Brittany Runs a Marathon (19)

89 The Accidental Tourist (88)

90 August Osage County (13) MELO-DRAMA!!

91 Appaloosa (08)

92 The Firm (93) Feeling good about how many iconic 80s/90s video store stalwarts I watched in 2020

93 *Almost Famous (00)

94 Whisper of the Heart (95)

95 Da 5 Bloods (20)

96 Rain Man (88)

97 True Stories (86)

98 *Risky Business (83) It’s not about what you think it’s about! It never was!

99 *The Big Chill (83)

100 The Way We Were (73)

101 Safety Last (23) It’s getting so that I might have to add the first two digits to my dates...not that I watch THAT many movies from the 1920s...

102 Phantasm (79)

103 The Burrowers (08)

104 New Jack City (91)

105 The Vanishing (88)

106 Sisters (72)

107 Puberty Blues (81) Little Aussie cinema theme, here

108 Elevator to the Gallows (58)

109 Les Diaboliques (55)

110 House (77) haha WHAT no really W H A T

111 Death Line (72)

112 Cranes are Flying (57)

113 Holes (03)

114 *Lady Vengeance (05)

115 Long Weekend (78)

116 Body Double (84)

117 The Crazies (73) I love that Romero shows the utter confusion that would no doubt reign in the case of any kind of disaster. Things fall apart.

118 Waterlilies (07)

119 *You’re Next (11)

120 Event Horizon (97)

121 Venom (18) I liked it, guys, way more than most superhero fare. Has a real sense of place and the place ISN’T New York!

122 Under the Silver Lake (18) RIP Night Call

123 *Blade Runner (82)

124 *The Birds (62) interesting to see now that I’ve read the story it came from

125 *28 Days Later (02) hits REAL FUCKIN’ DIFFERENT in a pandemic

126 Life is Sweet (90)

127 *So I Married an Axe Murderer (93) find me a more 90s movie, I dare you (it’s not possible)

128 Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (67)

129 The Pelican Brief (93) 90s thrillers continue!

130 Dick Johnston is Dead (20)

131 The Bridges of Madison County (95)

132 Earth Girls are Easy (88) Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum are so hot in this movie, no wonder they got married 

133 Better Watch Out (16)

134 Drowning Mona (00) trying for something like the Coen bros and not getting there

135 Au Revoir Les Enfants (87)

136 *Chasing Amy (97) Affleck is the least alluring movie lead...ever? I also think I gave Joey Lauren Adams’ character short shrift in my memory of the movie. It’s not good, but she’s more complicated than I recalled. 

137 Blackkklansman (18)

138 Being Frank (19)

139 Kiki’s Delivery Service (89)

140 Uncle Frank (20) why so many FRANKS

141 *National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (89) watching with pals (virtually) made it so much more fun than the usual yearly watch!

142 Half Baked (98) another, more secret Toronto nostalgia pic - RC Harris water filtration plant as a prison!

143 We’re the Millers (13)

144 All is Bright (13)

145 Defending Your Life (91)

146 Christmas Chronicles (18) I maintain that most new xmas movies are terrible, particularly now that Netflix churns them out like eggnog every year. 

147 Spiderman: Into the Spider-Verse (18)

148 Reindeer Games (00) what did I say about Affleck??!? WHAT DID I SAY

149 Palm Springs (20)

150 Happiest Season (20)

151 *Metropolitan (90) it’s definitely a Christmas movie

152 Black Christmas (74)

THEATRE:HOME - 2:150 (thanks pandemic)

I usually separate out docs and fiction, but I watched almost no documentaries this year (with the exception of Dick Johnston). Reality is real enough. 

TV Series

01 - BoJack Horseman (final season) - Pretty damned poignant finish to the show, replete with actual consequences for our reformed bad boy protagonist (which is more than you can say for most antiheroes of Peak TV).

02 - *Hello Ladies - I enjoy the pure awkwardness of seeing Stephen Merchant try to perform being a Regular Person, but ultimately this show tips him too far towards a nasty, Ricky Gervais-lite sort of persona. Perhaps he was always best as a cameo appearance, or lip synching with wild eyes while Chrissy Teigen giggles?

03 - Olive Kittredge - a rough watch by times. I read the book as well, later in the year. Frances Mcdormand was the best, possibly the only, casting option for the flinty lead. One episode tips into thriller territory, which is a shock. 

04 - *The Wire S3, S4, S5 - lockdown culture! It was interesting to rewatch this, then a few months later go through an enormous, culture-level reappraisal of cop-centred narratives. 

05 - Forever - a Maya Rudolph/Fred Armisen joint that coasts on the charm of its leads. The premise is OK, but I wasn’t left wanting any more at the end. 

06 - *Catastrophe - a rewatch when my partner decided he wanted to see it, too!

07 - Red Oak - resolutely “OK” steaming dramedy, relied heavily on some pretty obvious cues to get across its 1980s setting. 

08 - Little Fires Everywhere - gulped this one down while in 14-day isolation, delicious! Every 90s suburban mom had that SUV, but not all of them had the requisite **secrets**

09 - The Great - fun historical comedy/drama! Costumes: lush. Actors: amusing. Race-blind casting: refreshing!

10 - The Crown S4 - this is the season everyone lost their everloving shit for, since it’s finally recent enough history that a fair chunk of the viewing audience is liable to recall it happening. 

11 - Ted Lasso - we resisted this one for a while (thought I did enjoy the ad campaign for NBC sports (!!) that it was based on). My view is that its best point was the comfort that the men on the show have (or develop, throughout the season) with the acknowledgement and sharing of their own feelings. Masculinity redux. 

12 - Moonbase 8 - Goodnatured in a way that makes you certain they will be crushed. 

13 - The Good Lord Bird - Ethan Hawke is really aging into the character actor we always hoped he would be! 

14 - Hollywood - frothy wish-fulfillment alternate history. I think the show would have been improved immeasurably by skipping the final episode.

[coffehousecreations]

And They Were Roommates

Jack of All Trades Chpt 1. 

Click here for the Prologue

Word Count: 1591

TW: Cussing and creepy roommates

Hope y’all like my lil update. I just realized that this is my first real writing project, so go easy on me. I’m I really love this story and can’t wait to write more!!! I put most of it under the cut so I don’t clog up anyone’s dash. Let me know if you want to be added to a taglist or somethin’

Love coffee ☕️ 

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     

As a rule, Nova took very good care to remain anonymous. She operated under the name Echo. She didn’t interact with her more serious customers if she could help it and stuck to shadows. On the job, her face was always covered by a hood or mask. Her body type obscured by baggy clothes and various sized heels.

She was a ghost.

However, Nova had been on the Italian Mafia’s most wanted list ever since she invited the cops to the Conte’s “family gathering”. A rather affectionate name for a weapons exchange deal she thought. That was a few months ago. Still, the mob has a talent for sniffing out rats in the street. And while she was confident in her own safety, Nova didn’t want to jeopardize her contacts in the NYPD.

Staten Island is barely a part of New York City, but it’s easy to blend in so it makes a good place to put a safe house. No one knew Nova, no one would, and she liked it that way. Even if the pizza wasn’t as good as Sal’s, at least it wasn’t fucking New Jersey.

Nova sighed and sat down at her computer. Alright. It’s time to move again. She pulled up craigslist, her best friend since she moved back to New York, and began to scroll. She needed a bit of cash and an apartment with no questions asked. Luckily, she found both.

“PLZ HELP” in bright blue letters. She clicked on the listing.

“Please help me get rid of my crazy roommate. He’s insane but i think we can trick him if you move in and we pretend he never existed. The room will be free for the first month if you want to stay. It’ll be like that episode in friends please I don’t know what to do”

Underneath the plea, were pictures of a clean, medium sized, two bedroom apartment. Along with these photos was a video titled “And they were roommates”. It was a five minute video pieced together from snapchat stories and secret filming of a short man with black hair and olive skin doing increasingly creepy shit. Things like calling every 20 mins, watching people sleep, and somehow almost burning the kitchen down after trying to “cook a goldfish.”

She’d never seen Friends, but it sounded like the perfect job after being stuck in a small studio apartment. Ever since she was young, Nova liked to prank people. At least now it’s for a good cause She reasoned. If she was being honest with herself, however, Nova knew she was excited for any excuse to get out of the safe house. Her fingers clicked along the keyboard to inquire after the job and apartment.  

Hardly a minute later her computer chimed and a message appeared.

“OOf thank you so much I was starting to lose hope. YES. I still need help with this as soon as you can. If you can come today I would be forever grateful. My roommate is out until 2 so if you can come before that it would be grEAT. Thank you so much again.”

Now there was a curiosity in Nova. What the hell was she getting herself into? 

She knew nothing about who she was coming to the aid of. By the state of his message and listing, he was at the very least desperate. Although Nova was not the most adept at using technology, it didn’t seem to be a scam. Thoughts raced through her head, calculating possibilities and outcomes. What if her new roommate be just as crazy as the one she was meant to replace? Then again, it was a free apartment.

“I’ll be there in an hour.” 

A ferry ride, a subway, and an uber later, Nova was there. All of her belongings fit into a suitcase and a backpack, which served as her loyal companions during the trip. The address was on a corner of Broadway street next to an old theater. She smirked and her eyes darted around, taking in the sight with anticipation. As she walked up the stairs there was a slight creaking, but she could work with that. Promptly, Nova reached her destination: apartment 310. 

The man that opened the door before her didn’t look insane. He was wearing a fashionable outfit for late summer in New York: a well fitting button down with khakis and even matching shoes. But his eyes were a tired and worn out brown under slightly askew glasses. 

“Jack of all trades?” he half pleaded. That was Nova’s username for smaller gigs like this and she was used to the sound of it now. 

“Looks like we’re going to be roommates for a while,” She hesitated before reciting his username back, “frog legs and fried chicken???” 

Turning into the apartment, the young man gave a slight chuckle and introduced himself as Dallas Montgomery the Third. Nova was hardly surprised at the bit of southern twang in his voice. One that was energized and enunciated yet retained some drawl. Most likely northern Louisiana she determined. 

“Alright, so I’ve already changed the locks and put his stuff out on the street, but that’s the easy part. How do we convince Tommy boy he don’t live here?” Dallas put his hands on his hips and squinted, looking around the apartment as if it was hiding answers somewhere.

Nova followed suit. Her eyes traced the details of the apartment. A couch and a few chairs were facing the TV on the wall. The clock said it was almost 2. The kitchen was off to the left and the bedrooms just beyond. Only the living room could be seen from the doorway. 

As his eyes scanned the room, Dallas noticed his new roommate walking aimlessly with a suitcase in hand. “Your room is the one on the left.” There was a nod of acknowledgement and she disappeared behind a door. The next moment, she reappeared with a large painting where her suitcase had been previously.

Dallas blinked. “Redecorating already, or did you just really not want that in your room?” He queried, watching as she glided across the room and replaced the piece she was holding with an old movie poster on the wall. He blinked again and realized that his jaw must have dropped at the sight, cause when Nova caught sight of his face, her smirk turned into a wide grin. 

“Relax, it’s only temporary.” Her voice soothed and her eyes reassured. The poster was set against the back of the couch. “Help me move this?” Nova motioned to the chair. Dazed and confused, yet willing, Dallas picked up one end and shuffled across the room.

Suddenly, there was a banging on the door and a muffled, angry voice. Dallas turned wide eyes to his only hope at getting his apartment back to normal. But, Nova didn’t seem shaken at all. In fact, still wore a small smirk as she grabbed a large plant and walked towards the door. Setting it down right next to the kitchen entrance, she signaled for Dallas to get behind it. She took a deep breath as the pounding continued and was grateful that she had decided to wear a striped shirt. Then Nova opened the door. 

In its place was the angry, short man from the video who was still shouting. “What the hell Dal? Why’s all my shit on the street and my keys don’t even work, man! What the Hell?” He tried to push his way past the door. However, Nova’s foot was placed firmly behind it, leaving a small opening that the roommate was too muscled to fit though. He finally stopped throwing a tantrum long enough to look at Nova and realize that it was not his roommate. Blonde hair framed innocent brown eyes that looked up at him. “Who da fuck are you?”

“Pardon,” she batted her eye-lashes at him and continued in a light and flawless french accent, “I believe you have the wrong apartment.” He stared, stupefied. “Desole - uh, sorry,” she continued and began to close the door. At the movement, the crazy roommate, Tommy, snapped to his senses. 

“Nah uh, I live here. This is my apartment.” He pushed once more at the door and it slammed back into her foot. “This is my apartment,” He repeated, a bit louder and slower, as if doing so would change the language in which it was said, despite his New Yorker accent.

If there was a camera to look into, Dallas would’ve been Jim from the Office. Nova maintained her composure, however, in her response. “C’est dommage. This apartment is mine.” Although her smile was still friendly, her eyes were about to throw daggers while her head tilted inside. Tommy’s eyes narrowed as they left Nova’s face and transitioned to the apartment. She saw them hit the painting and his eyebrows raised. Swiftly, they moved to the green leaves behind her, down to a non-existent chair and stopped.

Tommy took a step back, closing his eyes and letting out a distressed huff through his nose. He looked like an angry customer who claimed to know the manager while unknowingly talking to the manager. 

“So sorry miss - uh.” He looked behind him while Nova smiled sweetly. “I’ll just be going. Sorry to trouble you.”

“No problem,” Nova beamed. “Pleure un coup, tu pisseras moins.” Laughing awkwardly, Tommy quickly retreated down the stairs. As soon as the door shut, Dallas emerged from the plant.

“You are a Goddess among men.”

“Damn right.”

[helloiliketits]

There is only one Spiderman (Peter Parker x Reader)

Summary: Reader is just a normal kid. Like you and me. Friends with the one and only Pooter Porker Peter Parker and just really feisty and find it difficult to bolt away from danger. Which almost gives our little lovestruck Spider a heart attack more often than not.

(This has been in my drafts since last year so its outdated, also english is not my native language)

Reader: Of any color

Warnings: Just me kissing ass because I love you, some fluff, some angst but not too much because I dont play like that, also there are some vine references, and the words “b*tch”

(I listened to Tchaikovsky while writing this and honestly each piece syncs so well with this gif, bless the creator)

Sure, he may be a web slinging superhero on the side, but Peter Parker was still a little nerd and had crushes on cute people like everybody else.

Specially someone as cute as you. No one could resist you. Not even our cliche school bitch bully, Flash Thompson. You were a bit of an introvert and would rather spend your time reading fanfics on Tumblr and having some fun times with a few friends but you did have some sudden bursts of confidence here and there. 

It all started when you were new to the Midtown High School. Being a new student already gets you ton of attention. Pair that with your incredible personality and you might have just swallowed a magnet because of how much people are attracted to you. Whether you like it or not. You were practically the Ruby Rose of Midtown High. Everyone liked you instantly. Boys, girls, plants, even a god damn piece of paper would NOT politely detach itself from your shoe during Science class and you’re pretty sure you heard a girl in the room say “Me asf” while you tried to yank it off as the class just basked in your pure presence. You had people feeling ~some type of way~ okay?

So it comes as no surprise that Flash Thompson was equally attracted to you and wanted to date you even if it’s just for the rights to brag because *rolls eye* Flash. You on the other hand, had heard enough about his shenanigans through some of your friends and thought it was best to avoid him.

But isn’t fate a comical thing? You’re on your way to your next class and there he is, shoving our precious cinnamon roll, Peter into a locker while Ned watches anxiously. Sad to see his friend stuffed into a locker while also not wanting to go through the same thing. Peter just sighs and does nothing while Flash and his minions are tucking his legs into the tiny space of the locker which probably doesn’t even belong to Peter, judging from another kid standing next to the group of jocks, obviously not there to witness a "cool" fight but also not friends with Peter enough to care about his state right now. "Guys can't you stuff him in somebody else's locker?" the guy huffs, but generally does nothing to stop them. You guess it's because he doesn't want to get hip checked into the small space with Peter as if they're playing "seven minutes in heaven" (but it lasts as long as it takes for someone to finally rescue their asses). So, you decide to step in. "Flash!" you holler. That definitely gets his attention and he turns around quickly, running his palms through his hair to "style" it and leans against the now closed locker door, grinning. As if there isn’t a very antsy Peter Parker just inside, praying to whoever was listening, that he make it to AP Physics in time.

“Y/N!” he grins, opening his arms for a hug. “Cut the shit, Thompson of a bitch. Let that kid out,” you test. There’s a mix of “ooh”s and “aah”s from the students in the hallway as Flash’s smile falters for a brief second, obviously not used to being talked to like that, but he just crosses his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow.

“Why don’t you run back to snow white, dwarf-o,” one of his friend teases but before you can get the “I am the perfect height to punch you in the nuts, and I will,” Flash collects his ‘bros’ with a “woah-woah, guys” and bangs on the locker twice and leaves with his group. But not before giving you a wink (which you scoff at).

The hustle and bustle of the hallway continues as the onlookers suddenly get hit with the reminder that they need to be in class. You do too. So, you rush to the locker and throw it open, to let a very confused Peter Parker out. You see that the inside of the locker is... well, hygienically challenged but that’s a teenage boy’s with god knows how many dirty socks and raunchy magazines buried inside so you avert your focus to his scrunched eyebrows and his mouth hanging open instead.

Don’t get him wrong, he’s very grateful but also slightly mad at you for being cute and nice! How dare you be so attractive!? God damn it, Y/N! Now his attraction has increased tenfold! He mutters a faint “Thanks”, flustered beyond his wits and you give him a kind smile that has his heart beating all the way up to his head. He’s damn near frozen.

.And now that’s the origin story of you two. Of course, Peter couldn’t keep his eyes and distance away from you and would “observe” you whenever you were in the room. 

Which was almost always. 

Because he followed you there. 

Which Ned states as “stalking” but Peter describes it as “checking her out up on her”.  [Yeah, ok, Pete!1!1!] 

Much to Peter’s delight, you guys practically lived in the same building so Peter had twelve hundred (and more) excuses to walk you home. Ofcourse, Spider duties remained but that was more of an after-school activity. And it’s not like the neighborhood was jam packed with crime 24x7. Sometimes his “job” required simply patrolling and the most action he saw was a woman dump a milkshake on her (no longer) boyfriend’s head.

One slightly unfortunate day, as you and Peter were trudging up the streets, complaining about school, a VERY clear, sharp scream of a woman echoed nearby! Now THAT’S a job for Spiderman! But, like, you were RIGHT there! So it’s not like he could rain drop, drop top, roll and whip out his spider suit in the middle of the street, kiss you on the cheek and zoom zoom away,

You both exchanged a brief, wide eyed gaze of absolute shock as you both ran in separate direction, wasting no time. By the time Spiderman had arrived to the scene, there was no woman but there was a homeless guy holding a knife towards none other than our lovely protagonist! (das you, bruh) 

“Go for it, shit! I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!” You shout, as Spiderman skrrt skrrts his web and webs the bad guy to the wall before he can touch your spaghett, landing on his feet infront of you with HALF a mind to grab you by the shoulders and shake you like a drink being made by a barista, the other half of him wanted to reach out and absolutely fecken high five you! “Er, good job. Go home, it isn’t safe here” is all he can choke out in his fake “I came from the mid-west, howdy, I’m the man!” accent before catapulting himself off the alleyway [its always alleyways, God, they’re the hub for all bad shit! So predictable too! Take your mugging somewhere unexpected, man! Throw the heroes off guard! Do you even business, bro?]

Back in your apartment building, as you turn the corner practically skipping, a pair of surprisingly strong hands suddenly grab you and pull you so hard, that all your hair holds a Met Gala at the front of your face, curtaining your view from the one and only Peter Dorker, “Are you crazy! Why’d you do that!?” he yells at you

Completely not giving a feck about not giving out spoilers (*cough* tom *cough*) Why’d you do WHAT!? He wasn’t even there! What’s he talking about!

But right now all you’re focused on is the fact that this random ass bish is grabbing your shoulders like some fecken tentacle and- “You ran away! Someone had to do something!”

He barks, “WOMAN I WAS TRYIN  That’s Spiderman’s job! When you hear trouble, you turn and you run the other way! There’s people who will handle this kind of-”

But before he can get another lecture in, “I helped a lady today! There’s only ONE spiderman, Peter! And he can’t be there for us all the time! It’s NOT his duty- He is NOT obligated to cleanse the streets of Queens! Our work is NOT to turn the other way and hope somebody else does the dirty work! He’s here to HELP and we need to PARTICIPATE! We need to do OUR part WHEN we CAN!” you shout, face all red and sweaty, huffing out, trying not to crack into a smile, proud at yourSELF because damn, that speech was GOOD. You huff, contemplating if you should let him EAT it or just go to your room and head bang over the fact that you got noticed by Spiderman! 

Taking one last look at a very open mouthed Peter, you walk around him and into your apartment as he just stands there, frozen like a chicken pizza at Walgreens. 

He lets out a long, loud breath! How could you be so STUBBORN! This was for YOUR safety! Unless you’re on top of Nick Fury’s “to recruit into Avengers” list, you don’t just go bursting into alleyways in the name of saving people! That’s DANGEROUS! He can’t lose you to some heroic-shit-gone-wrong!

But Peter also felt RELIEVED! For the first time in YEARS, he felt content! You were right! There is only one Spiderman! And no he can’t be there to fight crime every second of the day! And while that ate Peter alive every waking moment of his life, he was also glad that there were good natured people like you in this world! Ones who stood up for somebody and didn’t wait for somebody else! He felt a lot better, realizing that he didn’t have to do this alone! He didn’t have to do it all! He wasn’t expected to do it all!

Peter walked to his apartment, head lowered, hiding his grin. God, he loved you!

[battystumutchildren-blog]

-- decastichAmazifier [DA] began pestering piquantPicaroon [PP] at 22:34 --

PP: Hey, boss. How can I help you?

DA: three shakes and a trio os sloppy burgers i got some stress-eaters back home to feed

DA: and one nervous nibbler

PP: Hate to dissapoint a loyal customer, daddy-o but we're closed for renos.

PP: We'll be back up in a week plus one new deck for live bands.

DA: i got sad then crazy happy i'm here for live bands good luck with all that

DA: glad you're gettin it together though man

PP: It's a whole emotional rollercoaster, ain't it?

PP: That's real cool of you to say. Which one are you? Sure I've seen you around some seein as you know my menu back and forward.

DA: the pretty one

DA: you know the cute guy with the pretty spectacular ass?

PP: You're gonna have to be more specific. All my regulars are cherubim in my eyes, babe.

PP: Though if we're talkin ass you did narrow it down some.

DA: should i go into more description on the ass then?

DA: are you a dude leaning towards the rear

DA: spot your patrons a country mile away from the sway of that booty

PP: You've sure as shit got me pegged. Hehe.

PP: But that doesn't help me put a name to a face. Or in this case, an ass.

DA: oh gee he wants to know my name too? golly, Kavi Lalonde at your visual pleasure

DA: safe to assume you're the man behind the mask and not an intricately created order-takin AI right?

DA: also behind the counter

PP: You can cool it with that. I'm only half robot. And not in my brain parts, I promise.

PP: Nice to finally meet you, Kavi. Officially.

DA: nice to meet you too, robits and all my dude

PP: It's all good. But I feel somewhat responsible for your predicament.

PP: What are you gonna do for your nervous nibbler now?

DA: he might just have to be sad i guess :(

DA: but it's all good man

DA: these things happen

DA: i make a mean shake but yknow.... gettin stuff is a treat

PP: Well, I got a few illuminations if you're willin to hear 'em. For example, there's a pretty fat pizza joint on Skaia that a buddy of mine runs. They should be open. Unless the apocalypse happened while we was closed and I just ain't noticed.

DA: :S

DA: well i mean

DA: are you kinda fartin around or bein legit?

DA: because..... yeah kinda

PP: Uh oh.

DA: uh oh indeed my man

DA: shit doth hit the fan

DA: uh, i can try to help you make sure your bud is ok though

PP: That'd be keen. You're a sweet guy, Kavi.

PP: What exactly went down?

DA: more or less a shit show of "riots"

DA: lots of property damage

DA: lots of people making mistakes against their will

DA: and wits

PP: Aw, shit. Now that you're bringin it up, I did hear about it some from my little bro. Friend of his got all fucked.

PP: Didn't realize it was some widespread thing.

DA: yeah it was huge and fairly destructive

PP: Maybe I ought to go down there this week and help out.

DA: hot diggity i have some friends and a sibling working the rebuilding and volunteer shit

DA: if you need hands i got em

DA: my own included of course

DA: just call me a social media megaphone

DA: i can let folks know you're comin down

PP: It never hurts to be well connected. I'll cut out tonight and try to gather my supplies.

PP: Free meals for the volunteers and anybody who's left hungry.

DA: looks like my boys can get their goods another way, that's real nice of you man

DA: hmu for those hands also just plan hit me up

DA: tragic we never spoke before but better late than never

PP: I'm gonna say it was a eureka moment. Lady luck had it out for us.

PP: And come Saturday night, I'll reserve you a good seat.

DA: good seat for the best seat in the house ;P

PP: Hehe. Is this seat taken?

PP: Couldn't help myself.

DA: it's cool i understand when you see a seat that good you're like

DA: damn

DA: is it available?

DA: i just gotta know

DA: plush as hell prime realestate right there

DA: i need it

PP: Yeah. But when there's a purse on it, there's a purse on it and that's just life, flatter bum.

PP: I don't sweat it.

DA: life, a flat bum

DA: now i'm just sad

PP: That's a damn shame. I like to leave 'em laughin.

DA: how about sad, yet eager considering saturday?

PP: That's a little better. You should be excited. It's gonna flip your lid.

DA: flap my jack i'm ready to be blown away

PP: Spread the word, Mr. Megaphone.

DA: lol see you then ass man ;P

-- decastichAmazifier [DA] gave up trolling piquantPicaroon [PP] at 00:01 --

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