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salternateunreality2 · 4 months

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Sephiroth, but instead of eldrich-horror-from-outer-space, Gast, Hojo and Lucrecia didn't mess up and injected him with actual cetran cells, so he's way less dark, mysterious and depressed and way more of a hippy goofball. They send him to a battle and he wanders off to smell some flowers

Hojo: KILL THE BUNNY, SEPHIROTH.

Sephiroth: BUNNY!!! *picks up bun, snuggles, listens to bun* Hmm, ok, I'll tell him. The bunny says you're a monster. And that her name is Fluffaggedon, Empress of Darkness, and you're going to die. *whispers with the bun*

Hojo: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST KILL IT!!!!

Lucrecia: He can talk to animals?! I only went to get cigarettes 3 years ago and he's already developed this much?!?!

Hojo: YES THAT IS HOW BABIES WORK.

Lucrecia: Neato mosquito. Any eldritch horrors we have yet to unearth? Maybe he can befriend them!

Hojo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Fluffaggedon: *twitches her nose*

Sephiroth: Awesome! Let's go! *escapes the labs for the 47th time that day, finds a herd of chocobos, becomes weirdly obsessed with the baby chicks*

---------------------------

A few years later...

Sephiroth: I'm going to get cigarettes!

Hojo: STOP SAYING THAT EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO ESCAPE! I am at my wit's end with you, you worthless-

Sephiroth: Maybe I'll run into my egg donor while I'm out!

Hojo: *finds the nearest paper bag to hyperventilate into*

Sephiroth, when he gets to newborn!Cloud's crib: Look, Fluffaggedon, there he is!

Cloud: 🐣

Fluffaggedon: *waggles tail*

Claudia: Um, hello?

Sephiroth: We love your child. He is the one. We will adopt him and be his friend and follow him to the ends of the earth.

Cloud: BUH 🐣

Claudia: Uhhh...would you like a snack? While I call your parents?

Sephiroth: No thank you, my parents are pretty evil and neglectful, and I would prefer to spend my time staring at your baby in wonder.

Claudia: ...

Sephiroth: 😍

Fluffaggedon: *cleans ear*

Claudia: ...okey-dokey, artichokey.

--------------------------

A few months later....

Claudia: Sephiroth, kiddo, please don't bring animals that will poop on the floor inside the house anymore, Cloud is teething and will try to eat anything.

Sephiroth: 😍 You are a wise and kind mother. Will you be mine?

Claudia: Yeah, sure, works for me. Grilled cheese or pasta for l-

Sephiroth: PASTA! 😍😍😍

Fluffaggedon: *happy butt wiggles*

--------------------------

A few years later...

Sephiroth: Mother, I need to go get cigarettes in Midgar, there is a child who needs me.

Claudia: Well, we need to start packing then. You get yourself ready and when you're done, come help me with Cloud's stuff.

Cloud: 🐣NO I HELP SEPH. AND I DO IT MYSELF.

Claudia: Whatever gets the boat afloat.

Fluffaggedon: *wise whisker twitches*

Hojo: *knocks on the door*

Sephiroth: *opens the door* Hello, asshole. Mother, this is my sperm donor. Sperm donor, this is my mother. We're going out to get cigarettes together.

Hojo: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU WERE HERE THE WHOLE TIME!?!?!?

Sephiroth: Yep. Leave now. *slams the door*

Fluffaggedon: *pushes a plant out of the window above the front door, almost kills Hojo, who leaves*

---------------------

In Midgar...

Jailbreak for Ifalna, Aerith, and Nanaki, but Sephiroth's primary goal is in the slums.

--

Sephiroth: Hello, soulmate. You may share my mother now that yours is dead. Come along.

Lazard: What the actual fuck.

Sephiroth: This is my Cloud. Say hello, Cloud!

Cloud: If you huwt Sephy, I kiww you.

Lazard: What the actual fuck.