#dammit ubisoft

[a-skirmish-of-wit]

i wish i wasn’t such a slut for assassins creed but here i am

[starstabberzirc]

UBISOFT STOLE MY DAMN PROTAGONIST

Like okay a big game like that has probably been in development for years but DAMMIT

[kindlythevoid]

I finished AC: Odyssey and the amount of RAGE I felt when watching the after-credits was UNREAL.

(Please be warned, there is a very long, angry, slightly incomprehensible rant underneath. Proceed with caution.)

Like, not even touching the fact that Kassandra put Herodotus’s manuscripts in the LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA (which made me super mad about the burning of the Library which means that she put it there for NOTHING and his writing is GONE and it makes me EMOTIONAL)

Okay, so I touched on it a little.

But other than that, seeing the little bit at the end? The little “Kassandra’s journey continues in AC: Valhalla”??? Unreal. Absolutely not. I get that she’s immortal (a lie; I really, really don’t and did not appreciate that story line because of the fucking plot holes that gives the rest of the series but it’s fine I’m fine I’m ironing them out as all angry fanfic writers do) but dear lord why is she in another game??

Okay, I have taken a second and reviewed my words. Allow me to rephrase.

I actually really like Kassandra. I think she’s great. I can deal with her outliving everyone (which she DOESN’T DESERVE) and fucking about like the world’s greatest cryptid (srsly do they explain why she never got in contact with the assassins when she so CLEARLY adopted their weapon-of-choice and are aligned in the same damn cause?). Part of me is rubbing my hands together and cackling at all the sand this gives me to play with in the sandbox of canon. Another part of me is screaming and bashing pots and pans together in front of Ubisoft.

Kassandra showing up in another game? Incredible. Fantastic. Start filling in those plot holes immediately. But also? Valhalla is a separate game. (I have my own rant prepared on what I’ve heard about the game, but that is for another day and when I have actually completed the game and have a legitimate soapbox to stand on.)

Please, please inform me if Ezio or… someone? Some other game has an end credit scene with “their journey continues” after everything?

Maybe I’m not the target audience. Maybe I’m too happy with plot to be in the AC fandom. But, dammit, this is where you go to when you want to scream about your opinion and by golly who ever made it this far is going to hear it.

Like, okay, I felt so tired when I saw those words. I was taken right back to the MCU (which I love and adore) and just felt tired. The MCU, at the moment, is churning out, approximately, a fuckton of content at lightning speed. Usually, I can wrap my head around it and move on. But they are leaving no time to digest, very little time (imo) for me to settle into a character and form a connection before the next show/movie/short comes out! And they’re rushing (imo) after COVID with movies that can and should be, I don’t know, pushed back or reviewed or something.

However, I’m deviating a little bit. Sadly, not enough. Because I see those words in Assassin’s Creed, my little comfort murder video game who brought me into the bubble of video games that I didn’t leave and got me attached to these characters, and I am filled with… not even dread; I’m just tired of it.

Like, okay, you start a game with an assassin and Some Guy who happens to be his descendant. Okay, cool. Next game, you introduce another guy, sprinkle references to the first guy, and give the descendant some quirky friends. You then build on this group of people for the next two games (totaling four at this point) before introducing yet another family through the same guy. Then you kill the guy. It is a big, emotional scene, presumably with some implications and effects (affects?) and what-not. But the family stays. The next game, the family stays. But you waffle between protagonists for no less than four games. But at least everything is entwined!! At least you’re going after Juno, the quirky friends from earlier show up and help, everyone gets a sad fun reference through the games.

So then you start over.

You are over ten games into this franchise and you start over. To be fair, it’s with a new protagonist and it feels right. It’s a good decision! It pulls things more mythologically, but it works. Presumably, you’re setting things up. And then you bring up Atlantis. And you introduce an Isu. And there is very little progress in the modern world, even though (again, as far as I am fucking aware) there is a humanity-hating Isu in the internet probably fucking things up for people.

And after all of these games, which focus on death, dying, and the permanence of said death, you make one of the characters immortal. Like. Good sir, are you well? And then you tell me that this immortal character, which throws quite literally everything that was built up over ten-ish games into question, is showing up in the next game. No, no, not showing up, continuing her journey.

There are a few instances that will probably be brought up if anyone has really strong feelings against me disliking this.

Ezio had three games, why does it matter if Kassandra shows up again? Because!! This isn’t!!! Her game!!!! If this was Odyssey 2: Electric Boogaloo, so be it, go for it, very excited for you, honey, you’re doing great. But this is Eivor’s game. As in, about Eivor and their journey.

Well, what about Altair in Revelations? It’s basically the same thing and you liked that game? Yes, I did like that game. I liked it very much. But Altair had something going for him that Kassandra does not. Altair was dead. So very dead. Extremely, extremely dead in a way that does not effect Ezio in any way, shape, or form except as someone to be studied and put to rest. Kassandra? Alive. Very alive. Able to make active changes to her environment (and then they fucking killed her as soon as we figured it out, I swear, Ubisoft, I swear—).

Alright, well, Conner Kenway showed up in Liberation and he was living and breathing? Yeah, as a celebrity guest star. He lead Aveline around, helped her kill some people, stood around awkwardly in the snow, and called it a day. Like, if that is all it is, then my problems are zilch. You can ignore this whole rant and sit smugly with the knowledge that you have a good told-you-so ready as soon as I finish Valhalla. But dammit you don’t phrase things like Marvel if they only make a guest appearance (and if that is a thing, then shame on you. Keep the surprise).

I would like, as a fun change of pace, for game plots (if applicable) to be thought out. Just a little. Maybe even, and this is where I get ‘em, connected. I would like to see wtf Juno is up to at the moment. I would like to see Shaun and Rebecca again. I would like a tangible plot that connects all of the games and characters together in a way better than aesthetic.

But, again, that is more my personal grievances with the modern missions that needs it’s own angry rant.

Kassandra, sweet murder darling Kassandra, is really trying my patience here. Ideally, I play Valhalla, find out that the Abstergo and the Juno storylines were picked up, Kassandra shows up for a hot minute before fucking off to who-knows-where, and this whole rant is for nothing. Heck, I’d take one of the three at this point. Because, and I think I’ve tagged it now, I’m interested in their independent journeys.

Now, admittedly this gets a bit sketchy when talking about the Assassins. They’re like Batman. Everyone thinks they work alone until you look behind them and there is an army of adopted/blood family backing them up and doing their own thing.

AC1 is about Altair’s redemption. It’s also about Malik’s long hard road to forgiveness. If you really want to dip deep, it’s also Maria’s break-out role and Al Mualim’s descent into madness. Ezio’s trilogy is the rise of the Italian brotherhood and Ezio’s quest for vengeance, justice, and knowledge respectively. You can also find his mother and her dealings with grief, Claudia and her own coming-of-age story, as well as Leonardo’s grappling with the outcomes of his inventions. AC3 was about Connor’s work-life balance as he pursued vengeance and protecting the colonies through helping the revolution and his own little homestead. It was also intertwined with Achilles coming to terms with all of the death that preceded his life with Connor.

I could continue, but I think you get the point. My point is, these stories were all about the individuals, their own personal journeys through grief and heartache and morality, as well as their affects (effects?) on the ones surrounding them, the ones closest to them. By introducing Kassandra into Eivor’s tale, it takes away some of that individuality.

Kassandra already told her tale. (Hell, you fucking picked her tale out for her. But that is a can of worms I’ll explain later.) This is where the torch gets metaphorically passed and Eivor learns their own lessons. While these games are very much stab/slash/kill games, they are also about the meaning of choice and responsibility (especially when dealing with death). They push that these moral lessons are something that should be experienced and carefully examined by each individual.

And quite honestly, as long as Kassandra doesn’t get in the way of Eivor’s lessons? If Eivor gets their own tale, their own emotional journey, without clashing with Kassandra’s? Then, yeah. Yeah, I’ll be happy seeing my favorite misthios running around a different time.

[itstimewehavesomesoliddick]

May Allah bring a thousand poxes upon the house of Ubisoft, I paid for that stuff god dammit

[effervescible]

I posted 4,746 times in 2022

That's 3,876 more posts than 2021!

22 posts created (0%)

4,724 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@vivi-mire

@waffilicious

@ahollowyear

@dying-offeels

@kawree

I tagged 4,730 of my posts in 2022

#kh - 1,262 posts

#funny - 309 posts

#laugh rule - 259 posts

#tumblr - 255 posts

#comics - 249 posts

#roxas - 206 posts

#cats - 195 posts

#asscreed - 186 posts

#sora - 174 posts

#fandom - 94 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#this forced me to have to explain why sora didn't at least recognize the name even if he didn't make the connection between the organization

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

waiting for ubisoft to maybe-announce an Assassin’s Creed (1) remaster at their September event like it’s actually going to happen. I’m just a clown in a hood.

69 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

#4

Old Man Ephemer enjoying time with his family, still missing the friends he once had to leave behind (or who left him behind), but absolutely covered in his many adorable grandkids who he loves very much and who love to hear tales of his youthful Keyblade adventures, reblog if you agree

80 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#3

sometimes I remember that Jiminy Cricket actually, canonically gave Aqua and Ventus Gummi phones with in-universe “summaries of everything that's happened so far” and I desperately want to know wtf THAT was like for them

114 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

#2

This is way too broad to be useful, but pick one underdiscussed or underappreciated aspect of KH and sell me on it.

Dammit GG this is actually kinda hard! But if I had to pick, it's probably the sheer earnestness of it. It's not only an aspect I appreciate a lot, imo it's the ONLY thing that makes the series work.

Like yeah, KH1 is very earnest in that tween adventure, wholesome coming-of-age adventure sort of way that's not unusual for that kind of story, but it persists well after the plot goes turbo anime nonsense. It doesn't take itself overly serious in the sense that it purports to be an Important Take On The Human Condition but even when it flirts with the fourth wall, not ONCE does it try to back off from the stuff it is trying to talk about.

We've all been there, right? Had that indefinable-but-undeniably-there moment when a canon kind of winks at us and chuckles and lets us know it understands how fundamentally silly its premise is, that it's not actually cringey because we're all in on the joke together? At this particular moment in space-time, I could not come up with a specific example to save my life but I also KNOW that KH stands out because it doesn't do this and it doesn't loosen its iron grip on earnestness for a second.

KH is like, fuck that. It actually engages with its ridiculous bits in a way that never make the player feel embarrassed for buying into them. "Dude gets split in half then put back together because he is Special but his other half is still there because of that Specialness and becomes besties with someone he won't remember after she dies because of some bullshit we made up to facilitate a retcon" is objectively pretty eye-rolly, but KH doesn't roll its eyes. KH is like "wow would that be fucked up or what? How would someone's mental health actually be affected by that anime nonsense?" It isn't preachy but it is surprisingly thoughtful.

KH is like, it's fine to have big feelings about stuff! Your teenage angst is not embarrassing! And it applies to the positive things too. It's fine to be sappy and say saccharine and heartfelt things to your friend. It's fine to be silly without having to attach a disclaimer that you're actually a cool and mature person but felt like being temporarily silly. You can just be silly. Whatever emotions are happening in a given cutscene, KH turns them up to 11 and doesn't even consider the fact that there's anything weird about that.

Also, as a shorter second answer, I think KH is great because it doesn't care about specifically explain certain extremely lore-important concepts like the power of waking but it DOES care about explaining why Mickey Mouse didn't have a shirt at the end of the first game. I think that kind of laser-focus on extremely dumb details should be appreciated more.

203 notes - Posted April 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

a logical progression

Today chat discussed how it’s funny that Master Xehanort’s one act of kindness had such wildly disproportionate consequences and ultimately fucked him over

367 notes - Posted March 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[littlemuppetmonsters]

God dammit ubisoft

[ezioauditore-s]

am still mad at valhalla game designers for putting in cairns and dumb puzzles and making the game so long but also still in awe at the little things like making norway so cold and uninviting and england so lush and welcoming to mirror eivors journey to find home & belonging

[rexyadaar]

The Judge is such wasted potential

Far Cry New Dawn spoilers ahead!

So, I just finished Far Cry New Dawn and all I keep thinking about is how interesting it would have been to give The Judge a bigger part of the story. Imagine how cool it could have been. 

The potential for drama and feels is insane. What did the others think when they realised their friend and one time saviour works with Joseph? How does The Judge react now that they’re away from Joseph for the first time since the collapse? If Cap kills Joseph, how does The Judge react? 

Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go and write some comfort fic about The Judge being accepted into Prosperity, gets given therapy and slowly recovers from Stockholm’s Syndrome/Joseph’s brainwashing.

[parasitehead]

Me: *sees new assassin's creed protagonist*

Me: oh no he's hot

[lonepower]

wow. i genuinely did not expect that to take less than All Day, but uh. starting at exactly 12:00:01am tonight yall should blacklist chi plays valhalla and/or chi liveblogs if you don’t want to see my asscreed yelling

[themrnworld]

...damm it, #UbiSoft... . . . #rayman #SuperMario #dammit https://www.instagram.com/p/CFkyr7fgvlR/?igshid=145a0gd2ipeh6

[sanguisfulgur]

What I wouldn’t give for an AC1 remake

[captain-ashelia-fon-rutherford]

Every E3 is a cycle of hype, cringey as fuck presenters, corporate fucksuits having no idea how to appeal to their consumers, awkward presentations by devs who are as introverted as the audience they are talking to, even more awkward banter, adorable accents, the same buzzwords and phrases used to sound ahead of the curve, and generic game ™️ like you’ve never seen before, and yet here I am, on the edge of my seat like I’ve never seen this before.

[ncutii-gatwa]

you know what i would really love? to play a session of ac: valhalla without it crashing

[casino-lights]

indisputable proof that thomas rush and the captain of security were in love... or that ubisoft just really hates us:

thomas refuses to leave the captain behind in the train even when barnes wanted to leave them

ok grace, i hear you say, but barnes is all but confirmed to be a weaselly little coward anyway. you’re totally valid and correct. but anyone could’ve come back for the captain, not just thomas. also consider:

thomas struggles when barnes is killed by lou, but he only overcomes the highwayman holding him when he sees the captain in imminent danger

ok grace, i hear you say again, but maybe that was his only opportunity, or maybe he wasn’t sure the twins were actually gonna kill anyone until lou crushed barnes’ head like a melon. you’re right, but he also sacrificed himself for the captain and pushed them off the cliff into the water, saying “save yourself,” probably knowing full well that he was gonna get whacked upside the head by lou. plus:

when the captain finds him in the coal mine, he’s in the process of bashing a highwayman’s head in with a crowbar. when he sees the captain, he abandons the crowbar in favor of choking the guy out

ok grace, i hear you say once more, but maybe that was easier, or maybe he wanted a nonlethal takedown. but it’s probably much harder to take someone out by choking them with a zip tie holding your wrists together than it is to just knock em out or kill them with a crowbar. and further:

the twins kidnap thomas to use him as bait for the captain once they come to realize the captain is the real threat

the captain disarms themselves and follows the twins’ instructions to the letter when they‘re in the final stage of the “through the wringer” mission because they don’t want the twins to hurt thomas

also, their forbidden fruit superpowers only activate (either inadvertently or because they chose to) after thomas is killed

also also, they manage to drag themselves up several flights of stairs after being brutally beaten, shot almost point-blank with a shotgun, and falling out a third- or fourth-story window (either way it’s really high dammit) just so they can retrieve thomas’ body

also also also, it’s heavily implied that the captain carries thomas’ body back to prosperity by themselves while still heavily wounded, then proceeds to dig his grave and bury him themselves as well

ok grace, i hear you—why can i hear you? are you in my house?—but thomas and the captain could’ve just been good friends!! maybe family if that’s what you’d like to headcanon! and to that I say... yes, you’re entirely right! and super valid! but here’s my final two cents:

the captain returns to thomas’ grave at the end of new dawn; it’s the final objective in the main storyline, and they sit there and reflect until carmina comes to talk to them

a watch is hooked over the wooden stake holding up the nameplate above the grave. you can see thomas wearing it in-game, so... same watch?

ok grace, i hear you say, now thoroughly exasperated, what does a watch have to do with anything? well... probably nothing, tbh. i just like thinking the captain gave him that watch. thank you for coming to my ted talk <3

[awerzo]

Me: Maybe I shouldn't be so hyped for Origins, 'cause I may end up very disa...

Ubisoft: *releases new trailer*

Me: *Hypes like there's no tommorow*