#definitely was having a bit of a mental health funk so this asked really helped clear up my mind too

[nohoney]

k im in desperate need of tooth rotting comfort in the c&c universe T^T

i just got over a really bad migraine so tooth rotting comfort is definitely the vibe ( = ⩊ = )

“Deep breaths, you’re doing good doll.” Touya murmurs gently, holding you against his chest as he feels your body slowly inflate and deflate as you take slow breaths. He’s stood in his spot in the kitchen for the last five minutes since you returned home, not moving until you were ready to do so.

It’s normal to have some off days where you don’t feel your best, but even a bad case of unexplained anxiety could happen to anyone. Usually you carry yourself well, even through some tougher times, so when you experience the days that you don’t feel able to handle your own emotions, it’s often upsetting for yourself. It partly hurts your pride to feel so weak and it took extra effort in the early days of the relationship to rely on one another during the bad mental health days.

You melt against Touya’s body and the uncomfortable feeling in your gut slowly works it’s way up. It spreads through your body and the sudden weight of finally letting go makes you cry. His arms hold you tighter, the smell of cigarettes is a comfort to you in these times and you just want to hold on tightly to him.

Touya’s not the greatest at comforting words. He’s better at putting his foot down when he needs to and being a little bit snarky when it comes to other people. Most of his comfort is through actions. Tight embraces and small acts of service are what get you through these rough moments. Because you can’t explain why you have anxiety, you can only feel it and let it out.

“C’mon, let’s have a smoke.”

You nod against him, wiping away your tears and following behind wordlessly.

One cigarette to share.

The two of you stand outside the balcony together, Touya holding you from behind and waiting for his turn for whenever you pass the smoke back to him. The nicotine is comforting and he likes the way the smell melds with your floral perfume.

The butt of it is stubbed out in the ashtray and he heads back inside with you.

Whenever you have these off days, you’re clingier than usual. You hang onto Touya like a sloth whether it be in the shower or when he’s stirring ramen in a pot for a lazy dinner. And when he needs to step away, you’re hugging your favorite plushie that he bought for you on your six month anniversary. Touya texts his friends to let them know that he might potentially cancel on their next day plans depending on if you’ve shaken off your bad feelings or not.

“Touya…” you come up to his side with your plushie held in your arms. “Hey…”

“Yeah? What is it doll?” He asks as he washes his hands after stepping out to smoke, “Dessert?”

Something sweet to hopefully lift your mood a little which is a typical want when you have your down days. There’s a batch of cookie dough he could pop into oven or the bag of mini candies that you and him eat slowly over time.

“Ice cream?” You ask him in such a small voice almost like you’re a little girl.

“Sure, let’s go. Which one do you want?” He asks you, thinking if the gas station nearby has anything you’d want right now.

There’s a bit of hesitance from your end before you tell him, “I want the other one. Where they make it into a rose shape.”

Ah, the fancy one.

Touya makes the drive for you, his hand on your knee as you still hold your plushie tight against you. He offers to go alone so you can stay in the car and be comfortable but you want to cling to him. He orders at the little kiosk and taps his phone to make the payment, waiting patiently with you hugging him tightly. Ice cream is formed in the shape of a rose and given to you in a little cup. It’s a simple thing that manages to bring a smile to your face, the first one you’ve had since you had returned home.

Unfortunately the anxiety doesn’t subside the next day, it’s still lingering and it keeps you rooted in bed beyond the time that you should be up. He offers to stay in bed with you, but you want some space this time. Touya tells you that he’ll give you an extra hour to stay in but after that, you are going to get up.

He sits on the edge of the bed waiting for you to muster the energy to get up. He watches you take a deep breath in and then exhale out. It’s difficult to see you struggle but he softly encourages you to stand on your feet, to make it to the restroom and wash your face. A very simple goal to reach that feels impossible in that moment. But he’s with you every step of the way as you leave the bed, shuffle your feet to the bathroom, standing beside you with a face towel ready, and then he’s hugging you as a reward.

It sucks to have these kinds of days where you just don’t feel yourself but Touya is with you to help make it easier.

[takenbypeter]

Marvel reacting…to you overworking yourself

(Part two includes; Thor, Matt Murdock, Ben Poindexter, Scott Lang, Eddie Brock, and Kurt Wagner)

Part One

Thor

Thor would not pick up that you’re being overworked, he may notice a change in your demeanor but he wouldn’t be able to point out what exactly was wrong. It would actually be you who would bring it up yourself, how you felt that you needed a break. Once telling him he’d take it upon himself to give you the best day ever. You’d go out for lunch, walk around a bit, go to the cinema and end up having a very wholesome and sweet date night. He’s not sure if it helped any but seeing you conked out for the night with the tiniest of smiles on your lips, helps him to reassure himself that it at least helped a little if anything and he’s be willing to do it all over again tomorrow.

Matt Murdock

Matt would notice but he wouldn’t really interfere figuring that if you didn’t mention anything to him then you’re fine and could just push through. It wasn’t until one day he cam home and you were knocked out on his couch for hours and hours. You woke up in a frenzy, checking your phone and realizing it was the next day, you frantically got up. Matt would come to your side warm drink offered out to you, he’d tell you he’s already taken care of your schedule and you have the day off, telling your boss that you were sick. You hated taking the day off when you didn’t absolutely need it. Even though Matt himself has trouble taking days off, he’d make it a point to assure you that it’s okay to take a mental health day. And mental health day you too with him by your side.

Ben Poindexter

Dex could tell something was off. Your typical elated expressions seemed to be dull recently, or even forced. You usually shared your thoughts with him, so when you didn’t, he felt hurt, after maybe a couple of hours of you not telling him, he’d straight up just ask you, “are we okay?” At first the question caught you off guard, but realizing that he’s picked up on your mood change, you’d no doubt assure him you two were fine and you were just being tired from overworking, and at that he’d finally be able to let out a breathe of relief that it wasn’t a relationship issue. After that he’d tell you, he knows of something that would make the night better, sleep. And you two would basically sleep the stress away.

Scott Lang

Scott would easily notice, he’d even mention it and you’d tell him that you were feeling just a little overwhelmed and overworked but you were fine. Despite what you told him, Scott would still do a little something to pick you up from your funk. One Saturday he’d take you out to a surprise location and honestly once arrived at said location you were genuinely shocked, he ended up taking you to something you’ve always wanted to try; be it pottery, be it a baking class, an art class, something you’ve just been dying to try but never got around to, he’d take you there, and you two would have the funnest and messiest date together definitely relieving some of your stresses of the day.

Eddie Brock

Eddie knows something’s off but he figures it’s nothing, until one day you just snap. No words are said, no greetings, you just go and close yourself off in your shared room and that’s when he becomes really worried. After giving you some space he eventually lets himself in the room, carrying in a food plate as a piece offering. Once catching a whiff you move over allowing him to sit on the bed. Knowing that none of what you’re feeling is his fault, you tell him everything and he listens. Sometimes that’s all it takes. After telling him your feelings he slides underneath the covers, settling close to you, and he holds you close, validating your feelings, expressing that you have every right to feel that way. And with that you at least feel a little better. In that moment Eddie makes a mental promise to take you somewhere nice and always ask, if you were okay, when something even seems remotely off.

Kurt Wagner

Kurt could tell when some thing is off with you. He’d be worried about you and he wouldn’t be afraid to bring it up. Noticing that you’ve been extra busy, not spending much time with yourself lately, he’d give a little warning not to tire yourself out. You’d thank him and guarantee that you weren’t too overworked. Again, he’d say just don’t let it get too much to that point that it’s overwhelming. Kurt would always take notice when you seemed to be overworked and before it ever got to be too much, he’d always do something to lesson the stress. Most of the time he’d teleport you to somewhere new, somewhere you’ve never been before. That always seemed to distract you from the stresses of work. Not only that but he would always make sure to take a souvenir back with him and then surprise you with it later that night.

[pretendingboyfriends]

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A/N: holy SHIT u guys the way i absolutely LOVE how this turned out,,,,, i REALLY hope u guys love it as much as i do and pls pls pls don’t be afraid to tell me ur favorite parts or give me suggestions for the next part!! and thank u miss tanya @sunflowers-styles​ for beta reading this part!!! ily mwah<3

Warnings: some explicit language & slight sexual innuendos

Word count: 5.9k+

fic masterlist

You gaze out into the crystal blue ocean as you drive along the beachfront, car window ajar allowing the salty, warm breeze to kiss your skin gently. The sun glimmers brightly in the sky, not a single cloud in sight and you feel as though nothing could possibly go wrong. 

Deidre invited you on this beach trip as a last minute getaway. She knew you’d been having a bit of a hard time with your mental health recently, so she decided to rent a beach house for the two of you to try and help you get out of your “funk” as she called it. Two weeks of relaxation with nothing to worry about. Just lounging around in the warm sun with your best friend for 14 days. You simply couldn’t say no. 

Seeing as Deidre has been your best friend for the majority of your lifetime, trips like these aren’t uncommon in the slightest. In fact, you’ve been on so many vacations with her and her family that you can’t even fathom going somewhere like this without her. 

“Do you wanna stop and grab something to eat before we get to the house?” The sound of her voice draws you from your almost dazed state and you turn to look at her as she drives. Immediately at the mention of food, your stomach gurgles violently, loud enough for both of you to hear which causes you both to burst into a fit of laughter.

 “I guess that answers your question better than anything.” You choke through laughter. 

“Well then,” She giggles, “McDonald’s, here we come!” 

The two of you purchase almost the entire McDonald’s menu and eat approximately 3/4ths of it in the car before you’re finally headed to the beach house with bloated tummies and quenched appetites. 

Eventually, you’re pulling into the driveway of a small, teal beach house facing the ocean. The house is lifted on stilts due to its position near the ocean and the paint is slightly worn, chipping away on the wooden slats most likely due to past tropical storms. There are two sets of steps, both leading to a wrap around porch, one coming from the back of the house (where the pool is) and one leading directly to the front door. It’s quaint and homey and you love it. 

When you’d initially pulled in, you hadn’t noticed the other car parked in the driveway, but now that you’re stepping out of Deidre’s car, your gaze falls directly onto the bright yellow Ferrari parked only a few feet away from you. There is only one person you know that owns that exact car. 

“Oh! I forgot to mention, Harry is staying here too.” 

You whip your head in Deidre’s direction, your jaw nearly dropping from its hinges. “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier??”

She shrugs casually as she swings the drivers door shut and walks around to the back. “I guess I forgot.” She presses a button on her keys and the back door slowly opens in front of her. “Plus, I didn’t think you’d mind, the two of you have always gotten along.”

“Deidre, that’s not why I’m upset-”

“Great, then what’s the problem?” She interrupts, eyebrows raised in question as she stares at you. You definitely aren’t one for violence, but the image of smacking her directly across the face flashes across your mind for a moment and you seriously consider doing it. “He’s just here to relax like us. And he’s paying for the place, so I couldn’t really say no.”

You let out an exasperated groan in response, slamming the passenger door shut and stomping around to the back of the car so that you can retrieve your own bags. 

The truth is, you and Harry had gotten along in the past, which would give you no reason to be panicking right now, but something you hadn’t told Deidre was that for the entirety of your childhood, you were madly in love with him. Yes, he’s older than you by a few years, but that never stopped you from pining over him from the ripe age of six. You had watched the way he treated his two sisters and mother for so long and fell in love with his kindness and care for others. You used to daydream about the day he would realize his love for you, but of course Harry got famous and that day never came. 

It’s been years since you’ve seen him in person. The last time you were in direct contact was nearly 4 years ago, a couple years after he went on The X Factor and was immediately consumed by fame. He was 18 at the time, visiting home during a little break, and you were having a sleepover with Deidre, but the length of your collision wasn’t very long. A few harmless words were exchanged during dinner and then you and Deidre had excused yourselves to continue your evening and that was it. Then, he was undeniably the most attractive boy you had ever seen and now, if it was even possible, he’d blossomed into a beautiful man, even more attractive than he was before.

As you begin to haul your bags out of the trunk, Harry appears at the top of the steps, screen door leading into the house flapping loudly behind him. 

“Need some help with bags?” He calls, swiftly galloping down the wooden steps.

Deidre sighs in relief, “That’d be great, thanks Harry!” 

His long, curly hair is pulled into a tight bun at the top of his head, a few stray curls framing his beautiful face. He smiles at you, dimples sinking deeply into his cheeks as he strides towards you, “Long time, no see,” 

You feel the heat rising in your cheeks and you smile sheepishly, “Hi, Harry, how are you?”

“I’m pretty good! And yourself?” He asks, effortlessly tugging your large bag from the trunk of the car and slinging it over his shoulder. 

You swallow thickly, struggling to keep your eyes off of his straining muscles through his thin t-shirt. “I’m uh- I’m good as well.” 

“Glad to hear it, babe.” He winks and you watch as he takes a few smaller bags from the trunk, heading back up the stairs and through the front door, breathing out a shaky sigh before grabbing your remaining bag. 

Deidre is already halfway up the stairs behind him when she calls back to you, “Can you close the trunk before coming up?” 

You shoot her a quick thumbs up and drop the bags onto the cement driveway, lifting your arms above your head and slamming the large door shut before picking up the bags again and heading towards the stairs. You’re still quite stunned at what just happened and, frankly, you’re a little bit vexed with Deidre’s nonchalant way of sharing that Harry was going to be joining you on what was supposed to be a relaxing trip. Nevertheless, you’re forced to set your feelings aside and keep your mouth shut for fear of Deidre prying the truth out of you. 

As you step into the house, screen door slamming behind you, you take a gander around the living area. It’s small and you can tell it hasn't been redecorated since at least 1985. Every piece of decor has some sort of relation to a beach (quite fitting considering where you are). Even the wallpaper is covered with small seashells and fish and it makes you chuckle. There’s an opening connected to the living area that leads directly to the kitchen, a second doorway that you assume leads to the bedrooms, and a large sliding glass door that leads to the back porch. 

Deidre saunters out of the second doorway, “C’mon, let me show you our room!” 

You frown, “Our room?”

“Yeah, there are only two bedrooms.” 

“Oh,” You take a moment to breathe in, feeling your frustration building with every passing moment as you follow her into the small hallway. You pass the first door on your right, glancing inside to find the bathroom before moving on. The next door you pass is a bedroom decorated identically to the living room, a queen sized bed crammed into the corner with a quilt covered in clownfish and seaweed and the last door is another bedroom. This bedroom is painted a bright coral pink and the theme seems to be seashells due to the seashell print on the bed’s quilt and the framed seashells above the bed. This room, although similar to the first one, is a little bit larger and the bed rests directly in the middle of the room instead of it being crammed into the corner like the first one. 

You step into the room after Deidre and toss your bags onto the floor next to the wall before throwing yourself onto the bed as you kick your shoes off. “I’m so ready to relax,” 

She hums as she unzips her large bag and begins shoveling her clothes into the top drawer of the dresser across from the bed. “Me too,” 

“I think I might go for a swim,” You turn over onto your back, lifting yourself up to sit on the edge of the bed as you look at her. “Wanna join me?” 

“As soon as i finish unpacking, I will.”

You shoot her a quick thumbs up and shove yourself off of the bed and towards your bags. Harry had set your large bag of clothes right beside the door, so you fall to your knees and pull it towards you to search for your bathing suit. 

“Go ask if Harry wants to come, too.” She adds, tossing her own bathing suit onto the bed. 

You hate her. You want to strangle her. It’s like she knows. But of course, she doesn’t. You’d never told anyone about your little crush and you planned to keep it that way. Tucking the valuable information into the very back of your mind for the rest of eternity. 

Without a word, you push yourself onto your feet and pad through the doorway, the thick carpet squishing softly beneath your bare feet. You’re hesitant to call for him at first, quietly wandering through the hallway, peering into the open doorways. Both rooms are empty, but there’s evidence of him sprawled across the bedroom. A large suitcase thrown haphazardly on the bed with clothes and shoes strewn all around it. 

 “Harry?” You continue walking, stepping out into the living room to find him lounging on the couch with the TV on in nothing but a pair of tight, black jeans, tattoos on full display. “Oh, there you are,” He looks up at you, a hint of mischief behind his virescent eyes. “Dee was wondering if you wanted to go for a swim with us.” it’s a statement, of course, but the wavering of your voice makes it sound like a question. 

“I would,” He starts, sitting up a little and reaching for the TV remote to turn down the volume. “But it looks like it’s about to rain.”

You frown, turning to the sliding glass window to find that in the short amount of time it took for you to take your bags from the car and into the house, the sky had filled with dark, fluffy clouds. 

“Shit.” 

Thunder rumbles in the distance, droplets of rain mizzling against the windows and roof quietly as the three of you keep yourselves dry inside the beach house.

“Alright, we have Monopoly, Life, Scrabble, Cards Against Humanity, a deck of regular playing cards, Jenga, and a few puzzles.” Deidre lists as she shovels through the large chest beside the couch, labeled ‘Games’. “Which one sounds the most fun right now?” 

You curl your feet underneath you on the couch and shrug, “A puzzle sounds nice.”

She nods, turning to Harry who’s making himself a sandwich in the kitchen. “Harry?” 

“I agree with her on the puzzle.”

“Puzzle it is, then.” She concludes, grabbing the first puzzle her eyes land on and setting it on the wooden coffee table. Another fit of thunder causes the house to shiver and you sigh, silently cursing the rain for trapping you inside on the first day of vacation. 

After Harry comes back into the living room and settles onto the couch beside you, Deidre sits on the other side of the coffee table and dumps the puzzle pieces out onto it. A show you’ve never heard of plays on the TV behind her and you glance up from the puzzle every now and then to watch it as the three of you sit in silence. 

The entire evening Harry sits beside you, his arm gently nudging yours every time he reaches forward to move a puzzle piece. At first, you brush it off as an accident, barely acknowledging his presence, but when he takes it a step further and knocks a puzzle piece out of your hand, you glance in his direction to find him smiling smugly to himself. You shake your head, holding back a small smile as you return to the puzzle, finding a different piece and placing it where it belongs. Two can play at that game. 

As Harry reaches for another piece, you quickly reach over his arm and snatch the piece he was aiming for, mumbling: “Ah, here it is! I was looking for this one.” 

You can feel his gaze burning a hole into the side of your face as you hold back a laugh, a grin tugging at your lips.

“Was that necessary?” He hums thickly, keeping his gaze in your direction. 

You shrug, placing the piece into its home. “I mean, that’s the point of building a puzzle, right? Finding each piece and where it goes...” 

He smirks and shakes his head at you but doesn’t respond.

A few hours pass as the three of you work and soon, it’s dark outside and the rain has calmed to a light drizzle. Deidre yawns and stretches her arms above her head before glance at the time on her phone. 

“I think I’m gonna head to bed, it’s pretty late and long drives always make me tired.” She says through another yawn and you nod.

“Me too,” 

“Alright then, wimps,” Harry replies, “I guess I’ll just have to party by myself.”

Deidre looks at you and rolls her eyes dramatically as Harry chuckles to himself. You push yourself up from the couch, stretching your arms out above your head just like Deidre had done moments ago.

“Goodnight, Harry.” She hums, stepping around the coffee table to smack a quick kiss to his forehead before sauntering off to the bedroom. You glance behind you as you follow her, giving Harry a small wave. 

“G’night,” He mumbles softly in response and you can feel his gaze on you as you step into the hallway. Part of you thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’s checking you out.

Warm droplets of water cascade down your bare skin as you step out of the shower, wrapping a soft towel around your body. You hum quietly to yourself, patting the towel against your skin to dry off as much as possible.

Just as you’ve finished drying yourself off, you realize you completely forgot to bring a clean change of clothes into the bathroom, so you’re just left with the dirty clothes you’d spent the entire day in. Cringing at the thought of putting the clothes back on, you decide to take your chances and slip out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around your form. 

You gather the pile of clothes into your arms after taking a moment to moisturize and brush your teeth, stepping out into the dark hallway. Suddenly, just as you’re taking another step, Harry appears at the end of the hallway, crunching loudly with a bowl of cereal in hand. He’s clothed in a thin, grey t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, fluffy socks pulled onto his feet. 

“Shit,” You gasp, eyes widening as you press the bundle of clothes to your chest harshly. 

“Oh, hey,” Harry says mid chew.

You pause, “I didn’t think you’d be awake...”

He smiles sheepishly, “Yeah, uh, I got a little hungry.”

“I can see that,” 

“I can make you a bowl if you’d like,” He offers, jutting a thumb behind his shoulder towards the kitchen.

“Harry-” You scoff, “I am quite literally standing naked in front of you right now.” 

He shrugs, chuckling to himself as his eyes flit to the ground and then back up to you. “Was just trying to be polite.” 

“Um- well, thanks, but I think I’m alright for now.” 

“Alright,” He sighs, taking another bite from his spoon, “Goodnight, then.”

“‘Night.” You murmur, watching him strut past you towards his room. You wait until the door is closed before you scurry into your own room, finding Deidre fast asleep on her side of the bed. 

Morning comes sooner than anticipated and soon, you’re dragging yourself out of bed as Deidre snores. You’re not expecting her to get out of bed anytime soon. 

You trudge out into the kitchen with a yawn, finding Harry leaning against the countertop with his nose buried in a book. He’s in the same clothes from the night before, but instead of his hair being pulled back into a bun

“Good morning,” You smile, wrapping your arms around yourself as you step onto the cold tile. 

He glances up from his book and smiles back, tucking a bookmark between the pages before setting it down on the countertop. “Mornin’. Coffee’s almost ready if you want some. I made enough for all of us.”

“Oh, great, thank you!” 

“I went out to the shops earlier as well and got some of that coffee creamer you and Dee like,” He starts, pushing his large hand through his long, curly hair. “I know it’s been a bit since we last saw each other, but I know that she still likes it, so I assumed you do, too.”

A smile tugs at the corner of your lips as you take a clean mug from the dish rack lying beside the sink, “I actually do still like it, thank you.”

He shakes his head, “S’no problem, really.”

The coffee maker beeps twice to indicate that the coffee is finished brewing and Harry turns, reaching out for your mug. “May I?”

“Oh- yes, please,” You smile, allowing him to take the ceramic mug from your hand and pour the scalding liquid into the mug before gently placing it back into your hand. “Thanks.” 

You walk to the fridge, swinging the door open to scavenge for the creamer he’d mentioned earlier. The carton catches your eye and you snatch it from the shelf, kicking the fridge door shut before setting the mug on the counter. 

“Did I get the right kind?” Harry asks as you unscrew the cap. 

“Yep!” You smile, pouring the cream into the dark coffee, causing the two to swirl together into a thick, hazel colored liquid. You find a small spoon in one of the many drawers lining the countertop and you drop it into the liquid, stirring it momentarily before tapping off the excess liquid and placing the spoon into the sink. Glancing back up at him, you take a careful sip from your mug to test the temperature. 

“Good?” He asks, sipping from his own mug slowly. 

“Great.” You confirm, taking a larger sip as you lean your hip against the counter. 

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a few long moments, sipping your coffee leisurely before Harry speaks. 

“Do you-” He clears his throat, “Do you want to go sit out on the back deck with our coffee? The weather’s great and the view is phenomenal.” 

He seems slightly more nervous than he had been the day before, most likely due to your brief run in that evening, but you don’t mind. “Yeah, that sounds nice!”

He nods towards the doorway with a smile, waiting for you to take the first step before following behind you through the sliding glass door. There are a few chairs settled around a small, round table, overlooking a breathtaking view of the beach where a few people are getting their morning jog in or just strolling leisurely along the shore. You slide yourself into the furthest chair, careful not to spill the hot coffee in your hand as you do so, watching Harry as he does the same. 

You wonder why, if he was paying for the entire trip, he would choose such a cheap beach house in such a rural part of this particular beach. Seeing as he was a multi millionaire, you’d assume he would choose the most expensive place to stay in the most popular area, but that obviously isn’t the case. Not that you aren’t grateful for staying there for free, because you are, you’re just curious. 

“So,” You begin, sipping your coffee for a moment before continuing. “How’s celebrity life treating you?” 

He chuckles, pushing a hand through his luscious mane, “S’not bad. Been treatin’ me pretty well, I can’t complain.”

You nod, “That’s good, I’m glad to hear it.” Pausing for a moment, you curl your feet beneath you on the chair before speaking again. “Can I ask you something?” 

He glances up from his coffee, raising his eyebrows with a nod, “Sure.” 

You take a breath, aware of the intrusiveness of your question but speaking anyways. “Dee told me you’re paying for all this,” You motion to the house with your hands, “And I’m just wondering why you chose to come here and rent this house when you have the money for something much nicer in a much nicer area.”

He thinks about it for a moment, brows furrowed in thought before he lets out a breathy laugh. “Honestly, there are a few reasons,” He clears his throat and crosses one leg over the other. “The first one is that I’m able to avoid paparazzi, for the most part, because they don’t suspect that I’d ever stay in a place like this,” He explains, using his hands to animate. “And the second one is that I like to make things as normal as possible, especially when I’m spending time with Dee. I know she would absolutely love staying in some bougie mansion with its own private beach, but I just don’t want things to be different from when we were kids, you know? I’d rather her not have the image of me being a rich asshole in her head all the time. I just want her to see me as she always has; her big brother.” 

Your heart flutters in your chest at his sentiment, the reminder of just how much he cares about his family causing certain feelings to come rushing back to you. “I- sorry, I know that was a weird question to ask... but yeah that makes sense. I didn’t really think of it that way.”

Just as you finish speaking, Deidre comes bursting wildly through the sliding glass door in her bathing suit and a large towel draped over her arm. 

“IT’S BEACH TIME, FUCKERS!!” She screams, leaping down the stairs and bolting across the dock leading to the beach. Her bare feet kick up clouds of sand as she runs across the beach, dropping her towel carelessly as she gallops into the water. 

You and Harry look at each other with wide eyes, both of you bursting into a fit of laughter at the same time. You open your mouth to speak, but Deidre beats you to it. 

“COME ON GUYS!! IT FEELS GREAT!”

You look back at Harry again, snickering. “I think we should get out there.”

He hums, “I agree.” 

You both lift yourselves out of the porch chairs, heading into the house to change into your own bathing suits. Harry, of course, offers to take your mug and clean it. 

Around ten minutes pass before you’re finally in your bathing suit stepping out onto the sand with Harry following close behind. Deidre is laying out on the sand with an arm draped over her eyes as she waits for the two of you to arrive. Since it’s still morning, there’s a bit of a nippy breeze to the air, causing goosebumps to litter your skin and shiver to travel down your spine. 

“Finally,” She breathes, pushing herself up from the towel. Harry comes up behind you and drops both of your towels onto the sand beside her along with his book from this morning. 

“S’quite nice out, innit?” He hums, resting his hands against his hips. His hair is pulled back into a bun and he’s wearing the shortest bright yellow swim trunks you’ve ever seen and you can’t help but to giggle a little. 

Deidre rolls her eyes, reaching forward and grasping your arm before dragging you with her towards the water. It’s around 10:00 am and there are a few more people on the beach than there were when you and Harry had first sat on the deck, so when you enter the water, you and Deidre aren’t the only ones there.

Though there are people on the beach, none of them seem to notice that Harry’s there. They’re all caught up in their own vacations, oblivious to the fact that a multi-millionaire celebrity is galloping into the ocean towards you like a child.

You and Deidre screech as he comes toppling into the water head first, cool water splashing around him and onto both of you. The small waves crash into your legs whilst you clamor through the water, Harry surfacing dramatically, completely soaked and absolutely gorgeous. 

“It’s fucking freezing,” You mutter under your breath, wrapping your bare arms around yourself as you trudge deeper into the water. 

“If you get wet, it won’t be as cold.” Harry retorts, adjusting the sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. 

You shake your head at him, “You’re insane,” 

Just as you speak those words, Deidre dunks herself completely under water, splashing you once again as she comes back to the surface. 

 Harry chuckles, “C’mon, you’re gonna get wet eventually.”

You ignore the subtle innuendo. “I have no intention of getting in further than here so if you really want me to go under, it’s gonna have to be done by force.”

He cocks an eyebrow from beneath his sunglasses. “Is that a challenge?”

“Don’t even think about it,” You breathe, glaring at him. 

“You really shouldn’t have said that,” Deidre snickers as Harry begins to creep towards you slowly. His eyes are hidden beneath his sunglasses but you can tell his pupils are narrowed in directly on you. 

You step back with every step he takes forward, small waves crashing into the backs of your thighs at the movement of the water. He lifts his arms slightly as he stalks toward you and you squeal, nearly stumbling backwards and toppling back into the cold water. 

“Harry, I swear to god-” You start but you’re quickly interrupted by your own shriek as he tackles you into the water. It feels as though you’ve inhaled gallons of water from the impact once you resurface, sputtering and gasping dramatically. He doubles over with laughter and Deidre cackles a few feet away. You feel like a sad, wet dog standing in the ocean as they laugh at you and you cross your arms over your chest with a huff. “I hate both of you so much.”

Harry rolls his eyes, “Oh, come onnnn, it’s not that bad.”

“My nipples could do some serious damage right now,” You growl between chattering teeth and both of them giggle. 

“Well, you’re wet now so there’s no point in not swimming with us.” Deidre shrugs, dipping back under as a wave rolls by.

You stand in silent rage for a few moments, glaring at Harry as he tries in vain not to let his eyes flicker down to your breasts. You don’t notice his eyeline wavering, though, too distracted by the brumal temperature of your body. A particularly nippy breeze attacks your damp skin and you whimper slapping your arms around your chest. 

“I’m going back to the shore. It’s way too cold for this.” You huff, the water sloshing loudly as you begin to traipse back to the shore. 

Harry watches you stumble back onto the soppy sand with a slight smirk on his pink lips and you can hear the low chuckle escape from his chest breathily. You counter his haughty chortle with a middle finger thrown up behind you, eyes trained in front of you to shield your view of him. 

Once you reach the towels you’d set out earlier, you unfold your towel and wrap it around your shoulders before plopping your ass into the sand. The chattering of your teeth subsides after a few moments and you glance to your side to find the book Harry had been reading. Curiosity fills you and you reach over, lifting it from its spot on Harry’s towel and bringing it in front of you to examine it. 

It’s a paperback, the cover an off-white cardstock with a simple design of a bleeding heart, impaled by an arrow on the front. The title reads “The Course of Love, a novel by Alain De Botton” and a smile tugs at the corner of your lips. You never would have assumed that he would be such a romantic.

You turn to the first chapter titled “Infatuations”, scanning it briefly and landing on the small, italicized paragraph in the middle that reads, “A marriage doesn’t begin with a proposal, or even an initial meeting. It begins far earlier, when the idea of love is born, and more specifically the dream of a soul mate.” 

“Insightful.” You mutter to yourself, eyebrows raised in understanding before fanning the pages to scour the book further. 

As you scan the blur of pages, you find that there are words scrawled all over the margins of the paper, words frantically underlined like they’d been scribbled whilst he was in a hurry. Your thumb lands approximately a fourth of the way into the book, a small photograph slipping from the spine and into your lap as you open it. It’s a photo of him, Deidre, Gemma (their older sister) and Anne (their mother) all cuddled up together on Anne’s couch with warm smiles on their faces. Their smiles are almost identical to each other as well as their features and, in a way, it comforts you. 

You glance back up from the photo to the page of the book, your eyes immediately landing on an underlined sentence from the italicized section. It reads, “When two people belong together, there is simply--at long last--a wondrous reciprocal feeling that both parties see the world in precisely the same way.” You suck in a breath at the words for a moment but a sudden droplet of water landing on the page pulls you from your stupor.

“I see you’ve found my book,” Harry’s voice belows above you and you snap your head in his direction as he shakes his dripping wet hair. 

You nestling the photo back into the spine of the book before shutting it and smiling up at him sheepishly. “Sorry, I- it was just sitting there and I got curious.”

“S’alright, I don’t mind,” He shrugs, reaching for his towel and wrapping it around himself. “What’d you think?”

“Oh- I only read a couple sentences,” You mutter, tightening the towel around yourself. “But from what I did read, it seemed quite insightful.” 

“Oh, yeah?” He quirks an amused eyebrow at you.

“Yeah,” You chuckle, “Very elegant and sophisticated.” 

“Mmm.” He hums, nodding his head in agreement. 

Your bottom lip slips between your teeth to hold back a grin as you glance away from him towards the water. Your eyes land on a group of people standing around Deidre in the shallow water directly across from you. You frown, “What’s Dee gotten herself into?” 

He takes a swig from the metal bottle of water he’d brought with him before speaking, “Made herself some new friends, I guess.” 

You study them for a moment, watching her laugh heartily at one of the guys’ jokes and pursing your lips together. Wherever the two of you went, she was always capable of making friends. Her natural charm could sweep anyone off their feet and it endlessly left you feeling like an extra wheel. You know she doesn’t mean to leave you out of things, she never has any sort of malicious intent, but you’re both so different from each other that it constantly feels like you’re left in the dust.

You glance away from the group, looking back in Harry’s direction to distract yourself from the intrusive thoughts filling your mind.

 “So, um, what’re your opinions on it?” You start again, clearing your throat quietly. “The book, I mean.”

He smiles as he skillfully tosses his sopping hair into a messy bun, “I like it. S’actually the second time I’ve read it.”

Your eyebrows quirk at that, “Really?”

He nods, tilting his body closer to you and bending one of his legs up against his chest. “Yeah.”

You laugh, “What do you expect from that?” 

“What, like, do I expect it to change?” You nod silently in response and he shrugs. “I mean- no, it’s just… comforting, in a way.” 

“Comforting,” You repeat to yourself. “I guess that makes sense.”

“It also kind of helps me retain the information better, you know?” He continues, mindlessly digging his fingers into the damp sand. 

“Yeah, I understand,” You reply softly, “Do you do that with all the books you read?”

He nods, “More or less.”

There’s an abrupt screech, followed by a few animated giggles and both of you look up at the sound. Deidre is running towards the two of you happily, a wide smile spread across her face as she skids to a stop in front of you. 

“I’m gonna go get lunch with these guys,” She chokes, out of breath from the short jog over. “Do either of you wanna come?”

You glance behind her at the group as they watch her for a moment and then you turn your head back to her. “You go ahead, I think I’ll just stay back here.”

Her expression falls a little and she sighs, turning to Harry with a hopeful look. He looks at you for a moment and then peers back up at her. 

“Think m’gonna do the same. Have fun, though.” He smiles and you nod along with him. 

She sighs again, reaching down and yanking her towel from the sand. “Alright, well, I’m gonna go change and then I’ll be heading out with them for a couple hours.”

You watch as she calls back to them that she’ll “be right back” before galloping back up to the house with her towel dragging behind her. 

“You could’ve gone with them if you wanted to, you know,” You say quietly. “I’m alright by myself.”

He shakes his head, “No, no, s’not really my scene anyways.”

You stay silent after that, watching the repetitive roll of the waves in a mindless state. Deidre returns in a matter of minutes, a loose dress tossed over her bathing suit, her long, dark hair tied into a high ponytail fluttering behind her as she prances. 

“See ya!” She calls after you. 

“Be careful!” You call in response and then she’s gone, engulfed into the group just like she had been before.

AHHHHHF;LSFSDLFJAS;DLKFJSDFK PLS PLS PLS LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINKKKK <33333

taglist: @first-one-that-i-see @harryandthatgayvodka @summertimestyles @bopbopstyles @harrysclementines @emsthoughts @theresthingsthatwellneverknow @clorenafila @harries-gayvodka @dmcupcakexo @glitterwhore @harryspinkshoelace @lovemenowseemenever @happydays @sisters-of-the-mo0n @shut-up-and-smile @fallingslowlyforu @slytherinambitious @moonlightmaliksblog @cocoamoonmalfoy @harryspirate @sunflowers-styles @sunflower6why​ @harrys-bitch​

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[amysubmits]

In your post "Hard Softening", why had you been giving CD "looks" / not feeling submissive in the first place? Because he could not spank you for too long? I thought you don't get "routine" maintenance, but were you unable to feel his dominance (or is it pain?) due to the quiet thing? I guess the related question is what is wrong with not feeling submissive? Does it make you feel unsettled or just wrong? Maybe I am wrong and you do find you need regular maintenance, just not scheduled?

This is fun brain food. Apologies in advance for the book i’m about to type. :)

I don’t think needing maintenance is always about not feeling our D/s. It definitely can be. If I weren’t feeling our D/s that likely would make me require maintenance of some sort. But I also sometimes feel our D/s but still need a role-reminder. Which is what happened recently. 

I guess when I really think about what needing maintenance means to me...it’s basically that my ability to feel submissive and to a lesser degree, to be submissive, requires certain things. 

As a D/s community we tend to think of maintenance as always being spankings and I don’t see it that way. I think maintenance is done through our dynamic itself, for example. Part of why we have rules and protocol and such is to help maintain our dynamic. Ideally, our dynamic itself keeps me from getting ‘off track’ by regularly giving me what I need in order to feel and act submissive, and ideally it also gives CD what he needs in order to feel and act dominant.  It’s also about us both feeling vulnerable enough to maintain our emotional intimacy at the level we crave. Our dynamic suffers if either of us get guarded. I don’t mean to suggest that without rules and such that I’d not be submissive. To some degree, I would be submissive regardless of whether we had rules and such or not. But the level of submission that we aim for is one where I can be obedient to most anything he asks of me, where I can serve him daily, where I can let him make decisions for me and for our relationship with relative ease, where I feel fulfilled and happy about it, too - and that level of submission requires more maintenance vs if we weren’t intentionally trying to have me be submissive. Like before we started DD, I was still submissive in that I would defer things to him when I felt like it, which was often on small things like what ot have for diner or what movie to watch. But I didn’t serve him or agree to obey him or let him boss me around or those sorts of things. So now that I have committed to letting him lead, I have to access being submissive more often and in different ways, and that requires more maintenance and we mostly try to maintain my submission by creating a dynamic that suits my needs. Additionally, there are things we just normally instinctively do that feed into our D/s that aren’t specific rules or agreements. He’ll just naturally do other things that make me feel submissive too, and those things help maintain us, too. I hope the same is true on his side, I hope some of the things I do beyond just following the rules help feed his dominance. 

However, there is no perfect formula for what our dynamic can make it so that we never get ‘off track’ because even if our dynamic stays perfectly the same, the things we’re going through in life are constantly impacting our needs, or headspace, our stress level, our mental health, etc. We sort of use our rules and such to create a sense of structure that hopefully helps maintain most of the time, but then we still have to keep an eye on how we’re doing to do “extra” things as needed.  I think more often than anything else, it’s mental health or stress things that make us guarded and that require us to do “extra” stuff to get back on track

And part of what I was referencing in that post was that even when something “extra” is needed, it doesn’t have to be spanking - spanking is sort of the hard way to soften me. It’s probably more common that he softens me with softness. Often when I get hardened it’s because I’m holding in emotional stuff that I should be sharing with him. So him getting me to open up and share my anxieties or whatever else with him is basically a form of maintenance for us. Sometimes i’ll be guarded and then he gets me to open up and I cry and then a weight is off my shoulders and I feel extremely close to him and that resets my ability to feel and act more submissive again. Or in the past when he was working too much, sometimes just taking a few hours to just spend time together was maintenance because what I needed most was just his undivided attention. And these things aren’t one-sided, because what they all really get to is a sense of intimacy. So if he gets a bit guarded due to his own stress, that can make us feel ‘off’ until he opens up to me, too. 

To go back to your specific questions...

Why wasn’t I feel submissive in the first place? Basically stress or mental health stuff. We had something happen a week or so prior that sort of threw me off. Mabe others are different, but I think getting off track with feeling submissive is just normal. We try to minimize how often it happens, but I think setting a goal of it never happening would be unrealistic. 

The stressful thing wasn’t anything between CD or I, it was just a curveball that life threw at us. We had already talked about it, which usually would soften me - and talking definitely did make me feel better. And the problem was resolved, and was resolved in a way I was really happy with, even, but for some reason I just stayed ‘off’. I guess it was probably more than just that 1 thing, as my overall stress and mental health are sort of compounded issues over the last few years, things have been consistently difficult. We had a lot of tough stuff going on even before the pandemic. So when something challenging happens, it’s never really just that 1 thing. It’s always that one new thing stacked on top of other things. I imagine most people feel that way these days, haha. 

Anyway. I basically was in a funk and wanted to be lazy and just do what I felt like doing and nothing else and he knew that wasn’t a good idea. In some cases, if I’m feeling ‘off’, him maintaining his expectations of me helps, but for some reason it didn’t help this time. The looks I gave him were mostly in response to him asking me to do things. I’d do what he asked but I was feeling prickly about it. So I guess maybe that’s why a spanking was “needed”. Ordinarily, if I’m guarded, him getting me to open up and/or giving me his dominance through leadership or whatever, would help me to feel submisise and help me feel better and get me back on track. Where this time I was just in a certain type of funk where those things weren’t helping. I was too hardened to be softened with his attention, presence, guidance. We had to sort of break through the wall the hard way. 

What is wrong with not feeling submissive? Does it feel unsettling or just wrong? 

I don’t think you meant it this way, but just for clarity, if I say that it feels bad or wrong to not feel submissive, I don’t mean bad/wrong in a “naughty” or “bad behavior” type of a way.  We don’t see it as me being bad when I don’t feel submissive. 

Not feeling submissive doesn’t usually feel unsettling, it’s just not ideal. 

For me, feeling submissive is a very good feeling. It’s warm, it’s cozy, it’s feeling useful and needed and valued and cherished, among other good things, all wrapped into one. So I want to feel it as regularly as I can But also, it assists with CD feeling dominant, and with our dynamic flowing well. When I don’t feel submissive, I can still act submissive, but it’s not as free-flowing. There’s a tiny it of tension or friction in the submission - and my submission doesn’t feel as good to CD if i’m more just going through the motions and not feeling it. And if my submission doesn’t feel as good to him, then that impacts our dynamic and it just becomes a chain reaction type of a thing. And when the opposite is true, when I feel really good about my submission, that feeds his dominance, which then come back around to feeding our dynamic and feeding me, and it’s this positive chain reaction. So basically, we try to maintain me feeling submissive and CD feeling dominant because they feel good to us so we just like it, but also because if either of us gets ‘off’ then it ends up having an impact on our dynamic and on each other. 

[000scans]

[scans] monotube magazine vol. 2 video call with svt x francesca under cut

Sunday 7 a.m. Eastern time in the U.S. The time in Cheongdam-dong, Seoul, after just finishing photoshoots with Monotube, was 8 p.m., the evening when both body and mind are exhausted. At a distance of 13 hours, global idol group SEVENTEEN and global jewelry designer Francesca Amfitheatrof met together. SEVENTEEN made a team bracelet before their official activities for the 7th mini-album, “Heng:garae.” It is a bracelet that combines a design in the form of a cable tie with a tag made of silver material; and the flat head of the tag is imprinted with a logo symbolizing SEVENTEEN.

Francesca is the one who designed the bracelet. She is the world-class designer who was the first female design director of the high-end jewelry brand Tiffany & Co. and currently serves as the artistic creative director of Louis Vuitton’s Clock Jewelry line. She is also the founder of global jewelry brand “Thief and Heist.” 

The collaboration of the bracelet between “Thief and Heist” and SEVENTEEN was made by Francesca’s active proposal. SEVENTEEN members directly asked Francesca why she chose SEVENTEEN as a collaboration partner in 2020, after the collaboration with global pop singer Elton John in 2019. They also asked how the brand name was made, “the thief and robber,” and all the curiosity they had. From now, we will broadcast a video call between Francesca and SEVENTEEN.

Francesca: Hi guys! Nice to meet you all. SVT: Nice to meet you too! Good morning, Francesca. Francesca: How are you all? How was the shoot? Joshua: We had such a great time. We really like… (showing the bracelets together) Francesca: You all got the tags! SVT: Very nice!

Francesca: Do you all speak English? Joshua: No, only two of us speak English. But, we will like translate for our members. Seungkwan: His (Vernon) hometown is New York. Francesca: I know one is from, you (Joshua) are from LA, right? In California? SVT: Oh, wow.

Joshua: We actually prepared some questions to ask you. Francesca: Fantastic!

Joshua: So, the first question is, how did you get to know us, like our team, SEVENTEEN, and why did you choose to collaborate with us? Francesca: Okay, good question. So, I’ve been to Korea many many times. I’ve worked in Seoul, I’ve done a million projects, spent months and months in Seoul. A lot of great friends, and I am a huge fan of Korea. I also love K-Pop. The first collaboration I did was with Elton John. Joshua: Oh, we’ve heard about that. Francesca: And the second collaboration is with you guys. I thought that the one thing that was really important to me was to do things that were very different. So, from Elton to you is so different. I worked a little bit with Jisoo from Blackpink, she is a big fan as well of the bracelet. And I wanted to do something because the brand is very unisex. I want to make jewelry that is not traditional. And so, um I am a huge fan of yours, it was a great kind of, you know, global initiative to have Elton and then to have you guys. Also lastly, is that I love your style. And you always wear jewelry like you wear chains. Such a cool style. So I thought it was a perfect combination. Seungkwan: I agree with you.

Joshua: Our second question is what is the meaning of your brand Thief and Heist? Francesca: So, you guys know the film “Ocean’s 11”…? SVT: Yeah, we do. Francesca: Right, so you know that thing of the very elegant minds that you need to create the perfect heist. I always like to work with incredible people who are courageous, smart, and elegant. I’m always fascinated by that type of world that is really interested in jewelry. But see it in a naughty way, a disruptive approach that challenges traditions. Because jewelry is always so traditional and Thief and Heist is not! Every time it launches something it’s gonna be very different. So, that’s the whole ethos behind the brand. Joshua: That’s cool. We love the meaning behind your brand. We actually didn’t know the meaning. So I was like, “Thief and Heist, what does that mean?”

Vernon: Our third question is, why did you use the recycled plastic for this particular jewelry? Francesca: So, I really wanted to find a way to highlight how precious a material plastic is. To try and shift people’s thinking from a single use, throw away mentality to one of value and permanence. We sourced reground plastic for The Tag, which is essential in highlighting the importance of the concept of the “circular economy.” For the 20% which is new plastic, we wanted to offset that and found an amazing charity called the Plastic Bank who we support. They build ethical recycling ecosystems in coastal communities around the world and pay the collectors a premium for the materials they collect to better help them provide basic family necessities such as groceries, school tuition, and health insurance. So it’s like tap water that keeps on running and so we have to kinda find solutions. We’re never gonna get rid of plastics completely but we need to find different solutions that help, right? The Oceans and the sea. So, we’ve started the campaign called “Make plastic precious.” Treat plastic like as if it was gold. You know? So you use it very carefully.  Vernon: I see, I see. Wow, that’s a very noble cause. That’s awesome.

Joshua: Is there a way to take off the bracelet? Francesca: No, it’s permanent. Joshua: Oh, we have to cut it. That’s the only way to take it off? Why did you make it that way? Francesca: Um, because I wanted to make something that you don’t think about. Something that stays with you. But what it will do is it will always remind you of today. It’s like capturing a moment. So every time you look at your bracelet, it has a meaning. Because it’s a part of you, but when you click it on, that moment stays with you. So it’s either a memory of a moment or a person. You know? It’s hard to put the tag on by yourself, so you’ll always remember the person that tags you. So if you were to give a tag to somebody, that person will always have you with them.

Vernon: Oh, I also think this bracelet kind of reflects the generation we are living in right now? Like generation that uses so much plastics and yeah I think it’s a cool bracelet. Francesca: Fantastic, thank you. It’s like a new modern friendship bracelet. It’s like a new way of treating a friendship bracelet. Even your fans. All your friends, and your fans are called CARAT, right?

Vernon: Right. And umm, personal questions, what kind of music do you like to listen to? Francesca: I love funk. Prince is like my all time favorite musician. I even have an earing, with Prince’s symbol, I don’t know if you can see. Um so, I think that he was super talented. What about you guys? Do you have all different, you all have very different musical tastes? Don’t you? 

Vernon: Yeah, I mean we have so many members, so like the variety of music we all listen to is just… but we definitely like “funk” too. Seungkwan: Oh we actually have a song called “Very Nice”. Joshua: That’s like similar to the type of music you might like. Francesca: Oh, your first song, I was listening to your first ones. First of all, you started your band, you launched your first song, your first single on the 26th of May, which is my birthday.  SVT: Your birthday? Really? Wow, that’s crazy!

Francesca: And also you guys, you started off funky and then do more ballads, you do R&B and then you do ballad and you do a lot of different musical genres. Joshua: We experiment. Vernon: We don’t try to fix the genre of music. Francesca: And your new album is coming out? SVT: Yeah, very soon.

Francesca: Yeah, I wanted to know, you guys when you got together, did you all meet for the first time, or were any of you were friends already, some of you were in another band or some of you were on TV shows. How was it when you first met? Vernon: We all met each other for the first time. Like through our company’s training center. First time we all met together, they never knew each other even before.

Joshua: We just got closer through the years, through our training system, we had to live together for seven years. It’s been like seven years. Seungkwan: Eight years. Joshua: Ah, eight years actually, that we’ve been living together. So, yeah we are basically family now, just brothers. Francesca: Fantastic.

Joshua: We just want to show you that we appreciate you for designing such an amazing bracelet. Vernon: One last question, actually this is the most important question. We all have Team rings. Right here. Francesca: That’s Seventeen in Roman numbers?

Vernon: Yeah, this is our fourth one, and we just wonder if we’d have an opportunity that you’d like to design our next ring, it would be such an… Francesca: I would love to! 100%. Okay? Vernon: Such an honor. You promised! (pinky promises)

Francesca: Definitely, and I’m so excited, I can’t wait to listen to your new music and you guys what you are doing is so great. You all have amazing style. You really do. Amazingly talented. SVT: Thank you so much. Hope we can meet you soon, um, in person. Francesca: Absolutely, either anywhere in the world. Either in Seoul or in the states or in Europe. Take care, okay?

[ridiculousn3sswrites]

Disappear

*Lafayette x Reader

*Request: ‘Anonymous asked: Can we get Angst 8 [Nobody’s seen you in days.] with Laf? Because I've been retreating into my shell recently and I need H E L P’

*Warnings: Depression

*A/N: Okay so I lied about only working on my requests from Wattpad. Also the Ten Years of One Direction is making my middle school heart happy.

My Ko-Fi if you want to support my writing

**********

There was no going around it - your mental health was bad at the moment. You felt trapped in the routine of just going to work, coming home, going to sleep, and doing it all again the next day. Normally you were a fan of routine - knowing what to expect during the day helped to ease anxiety of the unknown - but you were just getting into a slump at this point. By the time you got home from work, you were drained and didn’t want to do anything other than crawl into your bed, watch some show or videos, and try to forget everything going on in the world.

These episodes came by every once in a while when things got to be too much, so you were used to dealing with them by now. Your friends and boyfriend, on the other hand, weren’t so used to them. If anything, Peggy was probably the only one who understood what you were going through from when you roomed with her in college. The first time it happened (you only going to classes and then coming back to the room to sleep, not talking to Peggy in days), Peggy thought she had accidentally done something wrong and made you upset. It took a few days for you to get out of your slump, and once you started talking to her again, she asked you if you’d been mad at her. You didn’t really tell her the depth of the problem though, just that you were really stressed and that’s why you were acting odd.

When you were in college, living with Peggy kept you from getting completely the way you are now. Peggy had her friends coming around all the time, so you never really had the chance to fall back into your shell. Even if you had your episodes, it never got as bad as it could have. Eventually you started dating Peggy’s friend Lafayatte, and he started helping you through your lighter episodes. He would be there to hold you and just comfort you with his presence, even if the two of you didn’t say much during these times. He made sure you ate and took care of yourself before he had to go off to work or other obligations. You really couldn’t ask for more.

You hadn’t had an episode like this in a while. You would go to work, just eat your lunch in the office, go home, turn off your phone, and go about your night. You were constantly tired, and you just didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone, even just to send a Snap or a message to let them know you were physically okay. You’d gone through a few days just stuck in this little funk, just looking forward to the weekend so you could just try to work your way out of it. When you got home from work on Friday, you were about to turn off your phone once again when you saw your group chat with the Schuylers lighting up.

From: Peggy Five minutes ago

Bar tonight? My supervisor has been giving me hell

From: Angelica Two minutes ago

Peggy, *I’m* your supervisor

From: Peggy now

Exactly

From: Eliza now

I knew you two working together was a bad idea

From: Angelica now

(Y/n), you in?

You smiled a bit at the messages, but as much as you wanted to go hang out with your friends, you knew you wouldn’t enjoy yourself with the mood you were in.

To: Schuylers now

Sorry guys I’m not feeling too great

From: Eliza now

Are you okay? Do you need us to do anything?

To: Schuylers now

I’m fine, I just need some rest. Have fun though :)

Ah yes, the smiley face will definitely throw them off. Even you couldn’t believe your thought process. There were more messages, but you put your phone down. You could deal with those once you had some sleep, and maybe a pizza and some cheesy bread delivered to your apartment. That sounded immensely more appealing than the alternative: getting ready and heading to the bar just to spend too much money on watered down drinks.

You took a long, hot shower with your depression playlist blasting, then got into your most comfortable pajamas, ready to spend the night on your couch with pizza and Netflix. You ordered on the app so you didn’t have to talk to anyone, wrapped yourself in your blanket, and settled in to watch your favorite movie.

It wasn’t more than twenty minutes later that you heard someone knocking at your door. You figured it was a little fast for your pizza, but you weren’t complaining. There was a second before the knocking continued, and you called out a quick ‘be right there’ as you grabbed some cash to tip the delivery guy. When you opened the door, you weren’t met by the delivery guy. “Are you okay, mon amour?”

“Oh, uh, hey Laf,” you said, feeling your face heating up. You hadn’t talked to or seen Laf in a few days, just like the rest of your little group, so it was a little embarrassing for him to see that you were actually physically fine. “I thought you guys were going to the bar tonight?”

“Eliza told me how you said you weren’t feeling well and I wanted to check in on you. Nobody’s seen you in days. Are you getting sick?” Laf asked. He was right; you weren’t making lunch plans with anyone like you usually did, you weren’t answering texts and calls, you weren’t doing anything other than just going to work and coming home. You stepped to the side, letting Laf into your apartment.

“No, I’ve just… I dunno I haven’t been feeling good, but I’m not getting sick,” you tried to explain. Laf looked at you, trying to understand but falling short. You took a deep breath before trying again. “You know how I have my episodes? I’m just having a really bad one right now.”

Lafayette took your hand and directed you to sit on the couch, sitting next to you and directing his full attention to you. “What’s wrong? Do you know what’s going on? I’ve been worried about you, chérie.”

“I don’t know, Laf. I’ve just been so drained. Being at work just takes everything out of me and when I come home I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk to or see anyone, I just want to lay in bed and try to get enough energy to do it all again the next day,” you finally spilled, voice thickening as you went on. You hated when it got this bad, but when it did, you didn’t know what to do to stop it. You didn’t want to burden your friends or boyfriend, and asking for validation felt like you were doing just that. Lafayette pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you let the pent up emotions from the past few days just wash over you. You’d just felt off over the past few days but other than that you weren’t really feeling anything. Now you just felt hollow, empty. You wanted to feel that nothing again, it was easier than feeling empty.

“I don’t know what it’s like for you, so I’m not going to act like I do. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you, even if it’s just being close to you. I’m here to help you, chérie.” Laf pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “What do you need me to do?”

“Can you stay with me?” You asked in a small voice, your words muffled by Laf’s shirt. He squeezed you slightly, bringing you close enough that you could hear his heart steadily beating.

“Of course I can,” Laf said. You focused on his heartbeat and breathing, using it to calm your mind. When Laf was with you, everything turned peaceful. You didn’t have to worry about everything else going on, you were able to just focus on the two of you existing in the same place. Everything else in the world just melted away. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, but your moment of peace was interrupted by a knocking at your door. You moved to answer it, but Laf pulled you back to sit down. “I’ll get it.”

You watched as Laf got the pizza from the delivery guy, pulling money from his wallet to give him a tip even though you had tip money sitting right by the door. It was a small thing, but you still couldn’t help the small rush of affection at the action. When Lafayette turned around, now holding the pizza, he furrowed his brow slightly. You tilted your head. “What?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Laf asked, setting the boxes on your coffee table before sitting back down next to you. He put his arm around you, pulling you into his side.

“You’re just really good to me. Like, even if I’ve been absent, you’re still here for me and it’s just,” you paused for a second, trying to figure out what you wanted to say. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.”

Lafayette pressed a kiss to the top of your head again. “I know you need some time to get things right, especially when you’re having your episodes. I’m never going to fault you for needing some space, though I would appreciate if you could tell me that’s what’s going on. But if anything, I’m the lucky one.”

That made you stop, pulling away from him a little so you could look at his face. “Why do you say that?”

Lafayette laughed as though he couldn’t believe you just asked him that, but when he saw you worrying your lip, he got serious. “I’m lucky because you’re so incredibly caring, nice, and just genuinely amazing. You help when I can’t remember the English for something-”

“That’s happening less and less,” you decided to joke. Lafayette looked at you deadpan, so you motioned for him to continue.

“If you even think I’m sick - or any of our friends are - you immediately are there with medicine and soup and offer to help with anything I need. If I need someone to talk to, you’ll stay on the phone with me no matter how long I need to talk. Everything about you is just amazing, and I want to help you when you need it. With everything you do for me, I just want to be able to reciprocate it,” Laf continued, rubbing his thumb over the apple of your cheek. You brought your hand up to hold his in place, enjoying the feeling of his touch.

“Thank you,” you nearly whispered. Lafayette gave you a small smile before leaning in to press a chaste kiss to your lips.

“Come on, let’s eat and watch your movie,” he said, pressing another kiss to your lips.

“Bold of you to assume any of this food is for you considering you showed up unannounced,” you teased.

“You wouldn’t let me go hungry, now would you, ange?” Lafayette asked, pouting. You laughed, opening the box and handing Laf a slice. 

“You know I wouldn’t.” You grabbed your own slice and relaxed into Laf’s side, letting him start the movie again. You’d been having a rough week, but just being able to sit here with Laf was making everything better.

**********

You woke the next morning with Laf’s arm around your waist, holding you close to him. You could feel his deep breaths on the back of your neck, steady as sleep held him. His hold around you loosened just enough for you to turn and look at him, studying his features. His hair was wild, curls down from the bun he normally had it in. His mouth was slightly open before it turned into a small smirk. “That’s weird, mon ange,” he said, not opening his eyes.

“How do you always know?” you asked with a laugh, turning to lay on your back.

“I could feel you staring.” Laf propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at you better, using his free hand to run his fingers along your arm. “What do you want to do today? I should probably run to the store later so we can have an actual dinner.”

“Actually, I was thinking maybe we could meet up with the others later and have a group dinner.” Lafayette’s fingers stopped where they were as he searched your face for any sign of hesitation.

“Are you sure, chérie? I don’t want you to do anything if you won’t enjoy yourself.”

“I’m sure. I mean, it would be okay for us to leave a little early if my social battery runs out, right?”

“Of course. I’ll text everyone in a little,” Laf said, leaning in to kiss you. “Now, what do you want for breakfast?”

**********

Permanent Tag List: @treatallwithkindness

[neptunesnxpple]

Um so idk if you do this sort of thing but I was wondering if I could request some hc for how Dabi, Shigaraki, and Twice would deal with have a bipolar boyfriend? Like how would they handle manic and depressive episodes and all that. You dont have to if you arent comfortable with the topic. I know it's kinda specific alsosorryimamessrnhhhhilybye

Of course! Bipolar disorder runs high in my family, I wouldn’t mind writing some headcanons for how these three would interact with a bipolar boyfriend

 Dabi:

During manic episodes:

Dabi and you get along very well during your manic episodes, he’s someone that likes to move quick and likes to chase after the next rush, having a partner that’s willing to do that with him is a huge plus

You have such a magnetic way that you would definitely be able to convince him to do or try just about anything and he would immediately agree

It’s kind of hard to pin you down, which for him is part of the fun and also a little bit frustrating once he starts falling for you deeper, but in an enjoyable way. Out of the three you listed, I think he’d be the best able to keep up during manic episodes, he’s extremely flexible as well so there’s not much a risk of confrontation or arguments, he prefers to listen to what his partner has to say and if you’re talkative during manic episodes he is more than happy to listen

During depressive episodes:

The first time he sees you crash it’s something that throws him off, but not by much. He’s a very observant partner and will make mental notes of potential trigger times (like changing of seasons), or things that have the potential to throw you in a depression.

Extremely supportive. While he was down to run and run with you during the manic episode, he is not going to leave during your depressive episodes

Does his best to learn your love language, if you need space, you get it, but if you need someone to come over and do the laundry or make you food he’ll do it. It won’t be good food, probably something basic, but he’s trying for sure.

Over all he faces his own mental health things as well and knows how they can effect someone, he’s not afraid of learning about yours. Being with you is something that he’ll do everything in his power to adapt to, he’s a social chameleon so the curve won’t be too steep. He knows how much you care and you’d be hard pressed to lose him unless you truly meant to.

Shigaraki:

Manic Episodes:

He’ll find you extremely entertaining, but he’s a mix of a home body and someone that can get kind of crabby at times so he’s going to have to be more careful with his words.

If you have extra energy and need to go out and about, theres a slim chance he’ll join you but when you come home at the end of the night he’ll be there to ask you all the details

If you find yourself up all night, not to worry, because he will be too. It’s during this time he’s more likely to share personal details with you, and engage in actual conversation

He’ll try to teach you some of his favorite games, and if you have any he’ll try them out

Will order take out for quiet night in

Not afraid to enlist the league in larger game nights if need be

Depressive Episodes:

He’s got the emotional intelligence of a walnut, but god does he care

He can see that you’re low energy, not feeling great, and isn’t really sure what to do about it

Wants desperately to figure out how to help, will end up doing things he likes in an attempt to cheer you up – so he’ll get you your favorite snacks, pick out movies he knows you’ll like, anything that gets him out of a funk he’ll try doing for you

Willing to help you in selfcare, he’s not unknown to fall in states where he lacks to regularly shower so he’s got a lot of tips and tricks if you’re having difficulty getting there. He’ll offer dry shampoo, clean wipes, that sort of thing.

Willing to sit with you through it and is going to need some help figuring out how to best get you through the current episode. If you’re willing to show him, he’s willing to learn.

 Twice:

Manic Episodes:

You guys are going to have a lot of fun. Twice has a lot of pent up energy that will make conversations electric, he’s definitely a hype man and so long as you’re having a good time so is he

Despite this he also has limits (for you) and is a bit of the ‘mom friend’ of the group, so while he’ll yes man a lot of your plans, he’s also careful to steer you away from things that could be potentially cause harm

Likes to play goofy little games that he might be afraid to share with the rest of the group. He’s a big people watcher and will take you to his favorite spots to people watch

He knows a surprising amount of little niche places and things to do so you’ll never be without a suggestion, one, two, five, or six of possible plans. This man thinks in overdrive, so options are limitless  

Depressive Episodes:

Worries a lot about you. Shares his worry with the league to makes a game plan, he wants to make sure he does everything right by you

Need an extra hand? He’s not afraid of making an extra buddy/clone to help things out

Will act out goofy little skits with himself to try and cheer you up

Total cuddle buddy, if you need to hold or be held he’s there for you in a heartbeat

You become his number one priority during these times, and everyone else knows it.

 Thank you for trusting me with this ask, it means a lot. I hope that this was satisfactory

[megamanxfanfics]

The Hiatus

I’ve been dreading the idea of writing this, but the fact that I am at all means that I’m coming out of my funk and am looking onward towards moving ahead, and hopefully forward, once again with this project in the future.  I’m afraid I’ve got a lot of explaining to do.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Life got in the way again.

It seems that every new Writing Season, something always happens to me to shift things around and make it near-impossible towards writing Mega Man X.  I’ve been mulling over how to talk about all of this without getting too personal on an MMX blog.  But the fact is that what happened to me is very personal.  And very complicated.  So I’m gonna just go for it, while keeping it in simplest terms.

I broke up with my girlfriend last month.  Which means I had to move out...

I can say that with dry eyes now, and without a heavy heart.  It was a smooth break.  Very mutual.  We both knew it needed to happen, because we weren’t happy at all. (Always doing our own thing, making separate plans... etc. etc. etc.)

But back to this.

I recall back in November I had posted a Writing Exercise - What X Remembers, in an attempt to kick-start my motivation for this project.  Needless to say, it didn’t work.  I can tell you right now that I wasn’t exactly busy.  I was burnt out.

Yes, I’ve been wanting and wanting to start this thing, but in the planning phases, I’ve also been afraid of it.  Because I don’t want to mess this up. Or it’s too confusing, or disjointed.  And I know how I get.  I harp and harp on things until it’s perfect, or feels good enough to present.  And... frankly, I was in a position where things were so bad at home, that I just wanted to spend time with her to keep everyone happy.

I would also take advantage of ‘Me-Time Monday’ as I used to call it when she’d be out doing her own thing.  Except my creative outlet for those days would be working on music, which is my first passion.  I’ve taken on a massive project of adding vocals to a lot of old music I had written, and even now I’m maybe half-way through that.  And there were definitely certain Mondays that I wasn’t even in the mood for music...  I certainly wasn’t in the mood for X.

I was depressed...  She was depressed...  But why?

Well... this blog, isn’t exactly about that.  But what I can tell you is that we were just going through this mundane routine every day.  Even our weekends became routine.  And neither of us were fun to be around any more.  Even upon realizing it and trying to do different things.  ‘Go out on a date, Dummy!’  That’s what I would tell myself.  But even nice events didn’t work.  She’d complain about being tired, or full or we wouldn’t talk at all.  That... was the extent of our interactions.  Outside of that, we’d just watch our shows, which would entertain us, and make us laugh.  We’d hold hands and stuff, sometimes.  But even then... it didn’t really feel romantic.  As one friend put it best, “It sounds like a friendship...”

And we both realized that last month.

So you could say that from November-February, I had slowly been working at getting my motivation toward this project back up.  Despite my daily toils, I was driven to bring myself to do the things that make me happy.  I had even reread most of the Writing Diaries, all the way up to Season V again, which took me down a nice bit of Nostalgia Road.  Reading about the Process of this Project is just as fun as reading the actual episodes for me.  It’s the Journey, not the Destination, after all.

But like I said, then February happened and we just imploded.  Everything immediately broke down.  My living space, my comfort zone.. where I was going to be!!  I didn’t know what to do.

In week 1 I took out the time to hang out with all of my closest friends.  I told everyone who needed to know first.

In week 2, I started seriously looking for places.  And that was equally exciting as it was exhausting.  However, I did find one thing that wouldn’t be ready for the next 2 months!  And that also freaked me out.  Now I had a pseudo-time table on my hands, but it was a little too long.

In week 3, I cracked.  We absolutely got into a fight in our shared space.  Things were so smooth as friends and roommates.  We had still shared our King Size Bed, and kept it completely civil, since nothing romantic was happening in the bedroom anyway...  But, at some point, some Social Media Drama occurred and I actually started acting like an Ex.  It was becoming very clear to me that living together any longer was going to destroy my Mental Health.  So I made the choice to get out of there, sooner than anticipated.  That Friday, I put a bag together and stayed at my parent’s house.

The original plan was to ride this out as long as possible and move into the 2nd Bedroom while I start to leisurely pack, as I keep looking for places.  But instead, all this drama accelerated my schedule and forced me out of that house.  That weekend, I came back to grab the rest of my clothes and relocate my TV back to my Parent’s house... Which takes me to week 4.  

In week 4, I focused on helping my brother with an After-school play.  I changed my work hours for him and everything, but on top of that, I had an unexpected interview which could’ve changed everything!!!  You see, I’ve been looking for better jobs at the same time as looking for new places.  And that’s what made this so stressful.  That’s even partially what caused all this drama, because one night I tried complaining about it to her, and she didn’t really seem to care much.  We were acting like exes to each other, and I really couldn’t handle it.  So once we got into a fight, that was the wake up call.  We’re not together anymore.  We can’t do this any more! Literally.  It was time to get out of there and move on.   Well, the job interview wasn’t in the cards... but it’s for the best, because it would’ve made this new place that I’ve been hoping for, not make sense any more.   That weekend, I got together all of my books/movies/games/comics, electronics, pictures, etc. etc. while she had put together boxes of the kitchenware I get to take.  By Sunday Night, basically all of my stuff was out of there. I couldn’t believe it.  It was very therapeutic and bittersweet.

This takes us to Week 5 - last week.  The commotion has slowed down to an abrupt halt.  I’ve been very tired.  Technically I have all the time in the world for MMX now, but I’m just not there yet.  And I probably won’t be for another month.  And I say that now, because I’m literally in between places.  All of my stuff is in boxes at my Parent’s house, but this other place that I saw is in the process of coming through.  Their time table accelerated a little bit.  I got news yesterday that the place has been painted, and that new carpets will be installed on 3/23.  As I am basically move-in ready, but also really want this to be the place, I worked with my new Landlord and asked him if I can start to leave boxes this weekend.

And that’s what I did today.  Today I left the first installation of boxes into that house’s basement.  It will be the new location I call my home, and the best part about it is that it’s only 5 minutes from Work.  That’s HUGE.  [But that too is temporary, as I still need a better job.]. One day at a time though, right?

This is primarily the reason why I’m writing today.  I feel that the brunt of this Transition Period has reached it’s Apex, and from here, it’s gonna be pretty smooth sailing into the next place, as I become acquainted with my New Normal of 2020.

I’m also writing, because admittedly, I have been thinking about MMX6 again, and rather than catch up with the rest of the diaries, I just read the last one.  Where I actually regressed into plot points again and still couldn’t answer certain questions, like what those stupid teleport portals are.  I mean, how much of an explanation do I really need?  It’s Mega Science!

I’ll be honest.  I could start tomorrow, and I’d probably feel pretty good about it, until I hit my first slump.  Which will most likely be the Central Museum stage.  And then I won’t want to do anything.

No, my heart’s just not in it yet.  I don’t want to start MMX6 on my laptop.  I want to be fully set up and Comfortable in my New Place when I start Season VI properly.  The silver lining is that I have all the time in the world for this and my music, now.  And I’ll have to feel out that situation too, because I desperately want to do both.  And that’s part of the conflict too.  Both projects literally interfere with each other, because I only have enough time and energy for one or the other on any given night.

Keep in mind, once I have my own place, everything’s on me.  That’s cooking, dishes, laundry and of course self-care, right?  So that involves the necessary shower, and of course entertaining yourself.  And that means yes, actually pulling myself away from my hobbies that I tend to wrap myself in so much.

I’m not blaming this project for losing my girl, or my music.  Hell, I’m not even blaming myself.  We just weren’t a good fit for each other, but we sure tried to be.  For 5 Years!  There was a lot of good in those 5 years too.  But she changed a lot.  Me too.  But her, more...  In a less fun way.  Very easy for me to say, of course.

These things happen.  People change.  And we truly made the healthiest choice to end it when we did.  It was really just a logical conversation about what isn’t working, and both of us literally agreeing that this doesn’t make sense any more.  My friend last night put it best.  “I think your relationship just ran its course.  You both saw it through to a complete end, and it was really good that you chose to end it when you did, because neither of you were happy any more...”

And there it is.  I suppose I’m ending this on that note.  One day I’ll be ready for MMX6 again.  But today is not that day.  And instead, I’ll be playing the MMZ/ZX Legacy Collection in the meantime.  =P.   And no.  Don’t get any ideas.  I have NO intention of writing an MMZ Anime.

[majdalenaska]

9 reasons why NOT to be a cabin crew

This is not probably the ideal way how to promote a job in Aviation but if you really think about doing this, you should keep on reading. As much as I encourage my friends to become a cabin crew, there are certain aspects of the job that should be taken into consideration. To name a few…

( P.S don’t take this article way too seriously, it is supposed to humour you a bit, but there is also a lot of truth in it as well)

1)      Permanent state of jet lag

Basically, you function in a constant brain fog and sleepiness, other words called the Jet lag. Let me tell you something about this lovely term called jet lag. It’s no fun. It does not matter if you are in Europe or in the US, you constantly battle it. Let me elaborate. Once you are in the USA, you usually stay down route one or two days (3, if very lucky), well in that case, your body clock can’t get used to the timezone in such a short period of time. You might get a decent sleep the second night or third, but when you actually get comfy and acclimatized, it’s time for you to go and fly back to Europe.  

I am talking from a personal perspective here, but the first night after a flight being back in Europe, you sleep amazingly, like a baby. The reason for that, is being literally knackered, either from the flight itself or the time difference caught up with you. Sometimes the upcoming days could be a struggle, you could feel still very tired, a bit confused, which is all the consequence of a jet lag. Once you start to feel like yourself and start function as normal human being, where you don’t need to spend 10-12 hours in bed, you are on a go again, hooray, back to the USA. (The good thing about flying to America is having literally the longest day ever, since you add an extra 5 or 8 hours to your day). But to conclude this, everyone’s different, when it comes to jet lag.  Some days I feel fresh as a daisy, surprisingly.

Your body also works on habits and has incredible memory. For instance you can get used to any patterns or different time zones, as long as you work in them regularly ( in my airline we are lucky enough to be flying only to USA and south America). We mainly work during the nights on our way back to Europe, so your body works like a clock, it knows exactly when to sleep and for how long.

Let’s say, I come back home from a night flight, I might get 2-3 hours of sleep during the day and then I can get a proper sleep from around 8 or 9 pm till the morning. Imagine that one day, you come back from a Seattle (8 hours difference), which utterly disrupts your lovely routine and body clock. Since coming back from Seattle is during the day, it mess you up , big time. You get at least two sleepless nights in London and only because you changed the routine a bit ( or I don’t do this route regularly enough).

2)      Mood shifts

Your mood worsens due to the lack of sleep. If you don’t do anything in particular in regards to your moodiness, you end up being grumpy and friendless. As many of us could confirm, especially on landing day, you feel absolutely drained and easily irritable and it’s no one to blame really, so don’t take it personally, if you are a boyfriend or girlfriend of a flight attendant. Just get them a pizza, bottle of chilled beer and put on some Netflix. Ideally in a long term, you’ve got to work on it though. Yoga, meditation, walk in nature, skype call…anything at all to get you out of the funk.

3)      Your social life becomes non existent

As you can tell, flight attendants spend the majority of time abroad, which can have a huge impact on their social life. Your close friends probably forgot you already, since you are never around, or you are always tired to go out. When you actually make the effort to do something with your mates, you have to come back early, since perhaps you have a flight to catch early in the morning or you basically fall sleep in the middle of conversation due to jet lag. You also do not have time to date, unless you are a Tinder master and you make boyfriends in every state in America, where we get to fly. But if you find yourself a man in Seattle, not ideal at all, because this is only a seasonal route. Next time be smarter and go on Tinder somewhere like NYC or Los Angeles, where we fly daily :)

4)      People coming and leaving

During this job you get to meet incredible amount of people, either your colleagues or just random people on a plane you get to talk to. But when it comes to the crew, every trip or flight you do, you work along someone new, which is awesome, but also a tiny bit overwhelming sometimes. And it is not for everybody. I am lucky enough to be flying with some incredible people but unfortunately usually you get to see them once and never again, your rosters never match basically.

5)      You get used to the  „high life“

Don’t take me wrong, flying itself and working in a closed metal tube is not that glamorous as I once thought in the past.  But you kinda get used to the perks of being a cabin crew…( lot of spare time either in hotels or at home, free breakfast down route, fancy hotel rooms, outdoor pools, spas, saunas, free gym etc). The loveliest bonus for me must be flying to a warm and sunny destination all year long, where you can get some Vitamin D and sometimes even Vitamin Sea, which whoever live in England understand. You are also welcome to do anything from shopping, dinning or outing with the crew during the day, as far as you have the energy or the funds for it. If you are a Disney fan, trust me, Florida will become your second home.

6)      Working late and during the nights

No one likes working during the night, especially in a different time zone. But once you create a routine, your body gets used to it somehow, as I mentioned before. You also need to create a habit of napping BEFORE the flight, DURING the flight and AFTER the flight. So basically you become a baby all over again. (this could be considered as a plus)

 7)      Loneliness

You spend a lot of time on your own during layovers or at home , it can feel a bit lonely sometimes, which can actually helps you with getting to know something about your personality. Does this schedule work out for me? Am I a loner or prefer to be surrounded with people? In aviation it’s both ideally combined together.  But don’t isolate yourself too much, even if you are not up for a meet up, just push yourself , it’s not good for your mental health to spend too much time alone.

 8)      Passengers

Thanks to flying a lot and dealing with all different kinds of passengers, you may start disliking people and prefer company of dogs. I do not talk from a personal perspective when it comes to this issue (only sometimes) but I’ve had people talking about this. I can also notice it with people working in aviation for a long time. You can get easily triggered by silly comment or you just get irritated by anyone just because you are tired. In that case you should consider some help or maybe ask yourself if it’s time for you to move on to a different career.

 9)      Standby – to be called or not to be called

There is literally nothing worse than being called out of a standby. I can’t think of anything more stressful than a Standby, which for those, who do not work in aviation, means being called out in the middle of a night or a day to cover duty for someone else, who cannot fly that day, due to any circumstances. The minimum time you can get to arrive to the actual airport is 90 minutes. It’s part of the job I know, we signed up for this, but anyway there is nothing worse than a Standby. I just need to know in advance, whether I fly tomorrow or not. Standby only gives me an anxiety. But on the positive note, we do not have that many of them in one month and usually they give us more time in advance, which is nice.

I hope by reading this, I didn’t put you off flying, which wasn’t my intention in a first place. I wrote this article while being on standby and not sleeping properly the night before hence the chosen headline:) Not to finish on a negative note, my next read will be definitely focused on benefits and advantages of flying, which hopefully lure you back into aviation.

[imetroidhunter]

Self Sabotaging Tendencies

I recently got asked a question from an anonymous person on why I’m fake and why do I do self sabotaging fabrications on social media. To that I have no idea who this individual is but I am truly sorry that I’ve hurt you in one way or another. Especially since I have no idea what I did that makes you feel that I’m being fake. 

Now while I have no what post may have people thinking a certain way. I can honestly say that my post are true to the thoughts and feelings I have been going through since February when I lost my job. As someone I call a friend once told me that I have lost my identity. In that aspect she was totally right, my job(s) in the past ten years were really just a cover up to hide the pain and fill the void I had when my ex and I split up. In that relationship there was a lot of mental and emotional abuse especially the months following after the official break up. Before her I had self esteem issues but after that I ended up with anxiety and trust issues, which have been a hard struggle to overcome. Especially the anxiety.

For the longest I suffered from that abandonment and that I developed a codependency with people in order to try to remain happy. That I realize now is where one of my faults lay. Having the need to depend on another in order to find happiness when I should have been working on that by myself instead of relying on others.

Since I’m still trying to figure out who I am now, it is definitely appreciative when an individual sticks around and helps me when I take a spill back into my anxiety ridden depression, what others lack to understand is I take it hard when someone just leaves my life with no explanation, or when an individual tells me one thing yet, they do a complete opposite thing. These are triggers that my past relationships installed in me that strike a huge fear flag. 

I’m definitely struggling, this is not false. All of the post I put up are merely reminders or pep talks I try to tell myself in order to get out of my own funk and our of my own head. So if those are the post that have offended people thinking that I’m fake. I am sorry that my own style of self healing bothers you. But none of my post again are fake. Either they are thoughts while I’m alone and having a severe anxiety attack, or they are post of positivity I am merely trying to tell myself. 

I never got to meet the person I spoke of that I call a friend, and that definitely hurt how we left things. It’s definitely a learning process as I hadn’t had a real interaction with a woman since my ex and I’m 100% sure I screwed that up because I got attached to her since I felt we had connection, yet I smothered her because I began to depend on her and that I believe pushed her away. She gave me sound advice that I should care about my self growth and I need to stop making the same mistakes, that I should stop chasing people and let them come to me. Which is the main reason when I see her post, I pause, get hesitant in replying, then when I type something I delete what I was about to reply, or even saying Hi because that will only push her further away. It sucks because I do miss her and my anxiety just tells me that she doesn’t at all. 

The main problem I have here is that I don’t notice my mistakes until it is too late, and without someone bluntly telling me what I’m doing wrong at the moment I won’t fully realize until later on. I strongly believe communication is key to any relationship, but not through text, where the context of the conversation can get misinterpreted,  or when people put others in a hostage situation decided when its best for them to reply back especially when the conversation is direly needed to fix the issue right at the moment. Though after so many attempts it just gets to a point that maybe you just have to step back and as my friend said let them come to you. 

Right now the main objective I have is to find a job and finish school, 2nd objective is to get my health back on track, 3rd objective is to get better at fighting games because I miss that environment, so whoever wrote me this question on Ask.FM I hope this answers your questions. I am not being fake nor is it my intention to be misleading. I am definitely a lost individual swimming in the dark with no lighthouse to guide me. The one person who was that light for me isn’t and I am sadden by that fact for many reasons but also because I really did start liking them, and dare I say maybe more. But there was no way to confirm my feelings without meeting them. If my post are offensive to you or you feel like I am not being truthful you are more than welcomed to unfollow. I don’t know who you are but I hope this explains a bit for you. If you are someone I do know, you’re more than welcome to contact me, or even call me to talk about this matter further.

[mooleche]

Hiii I'm recovering from 3 days of antidepressant withdrawals, so can I have that whole "not nice OC asks" list for Nina? Yeah, the whole damn thing.

Dad holy fuck, sending you them BIG HUGS rn. I hope you feel better soon!

WHOLE DAMN THING HERE WE GO 

1. What is one word to shut them up?

‘Enough'It's a very basic word but Nina knows that when it's used it's time to stop whatever she's doing that's causing someone to have to say it, mostly because her parents only ever used it on her when she was getting too rough with her sparring partners or when she was pushing herself too hard. It’s kind of a ‘snap back to reality’ trigger for her.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

Giving up on her dream of becoming a real hero. Since she was born a mutant and grew up seeing Captain America and various other heroes fighting crime she wanted to use her powers for good to fight crime like them, so that's what she worked towards for like, a HUGE chunk of her life. So to have her health suddenly take a dive and then eventually get too hurt to keep up with her old antics crushed her spirit for a long time.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

OH BOY. This would probably be when she was experimented on by Essex Corp. in her mid-teens. She was often punished for protecting the other children that were being experimented on and took on the brunt of what they dished out there, eventually leading to them going as far as removing her secondary mutation as a way to discipline her into submission. She was eventually rescued of course, and was able to repress these memories, but the amount of stress that was put on her body made it so that she could never fully fight crime again.

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

Having a child/seeing a child die. She's not SUPER into kids because of her lifestyle and taking care of Venom is already like caring for one, but she's got a mighty soft spot for them. This unfortunately changes after having a dream simulation of her future family used against her in a mission gone wrong, so she's terrified of putting a child in that type of scenario in the real world, instead putting her care into the children of the X-Mansion.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Surface level - Dying. That's pretty much everyone's fear but Nina's faced it a few times too many not to worry that it could be around the corner at any second so she (stubbornly) lives her life to the fullest with Venom while she's able to repress it.Repressed - Needles. She doesn't remember why or how this fear came about (due to her memories of her terrible experience at Essex being shut away) but the sight of them makes her sick to her stomach.Deep dark - Losing control. Due to her symbiotic relationship with Venom and seeing how unhinged he can be in the wrong hands it's a deep dark fear of Ninas that one day she'll lose control of herself and Venom will completely take over. Despite all the reassurance that he gives that he won't do that she still is unable to shake the feeling that it will some day happen

.6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

Large amounts of gore. She can stomach it more after being around Wade long enough, but the sight of too much blood/mutilation often leaves her sick to her stomach.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

Her body, but only because it can't handle much before it shuts down under stressful conditions. Also one large scar on her right side she has as a reminder of her last solo vigilante mission that ended poorly; a reminder that she had to give up what she loved most.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

The mention of Essex Corp always seems to trigger a deep-rooted feeling of fear in her that she can never piece together why until later in her life.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

Her body dsgkslgs. Due to all the experiments and stress put on her body she can't do much without overexerting herself. Bloody noses are always her red flag that she's overdoing it and needs to tap out.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

She's stubborn as hell and tends to keep things to herself for the sake of not stressing others out, which in turn ends up stressing everyone out even more.

11. Do they have any vices?

Despite getting nauseous around gore she's got a pretty big bloodlust. She loves fighting and will sometimes stray off the heroic path because of it.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

She's killed a man before, which kind of births her bloodlust mentioned earlier and realizing that some people can only stop doing wrong if they're buried 6 feet underground.

She’s also erased a lot of students debts using her ink powers. Not all heroes wear capes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

Definitely Wrath. You wouldn't suspect with how she acts normally (clumsy, easy-going, ect.) but she's very into the idea of torturing someone if it means getting the answers she wants or getting revenge by any means necessary.

Also probably Sloth, just because for her early 20's she spends a lot of her life in a bit of a depressed funk after everything that happens to her, but also a bitch loves naps.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

Sometimes. Usually only if she or the people around her are being threatened will she get violent or start making threats. Or if she sees Scott Summers.

15. Who do they hate the most?

Scott Summers ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿Just kidding (kind of). She loathes villains that think they can get away with their crimes, or who are uncaring of the destruction they cause the rest of the world for their gain. Harassers and abusers are a close second but the ultimate bane of her existence is the scientist that tortured her when she was younger.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

Colossus. Which isn't intentional on his part, and she knows this, but he is such a momma hen to her most of the time that she feels like he doesn't think she's strong enough to hold her own on missions.

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

Anything that's TOO loud or high a frequency. Due to Venoms weakness to higher pitches of sound she has to be careful with some of the things she listens to or where she goes.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

Anything TOO sweet, which is a toss-up for her as Venom LOVES chocolate gsdkgds

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

Not ugly, but she definitely feels she's serving a 'gross college student with no control of their life' look.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable?Not really. She's fully aware she's lovable, but there are moments she's had where she's felt she couldn't be loved because she's a mutant.But then her parents burst through her door and give her a good fucking pep talk.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

Losing control of herself or messing up a mission she's on.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

She suffers from PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped?

She was abused severely back at Essex Corp, which she has managed to block out completely, and has gotten her fair share of fights in while acting as a vigilante.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped?

Somewhat. She knows it's all definitely a possibility, especially in her line of work, but having Venom with her makes her feel better about wandering the streets at night most of the time.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

Yes. But it was under the guise that they thought what they were doing would help her in the long run when it ended up just slapping a band-aid on a dam.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

Boy has she! ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

A handful of times in her teens, and then in her early 20s due to a lethal attack that almost left her for dead. After that she gains Venom and usually goes to Hank McCoy when needing medical services (no matter how many times he tells her he's not her personal hospital)

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?Racists, Anti-Mutant supporters, Rapists, take your pick. If they're doing bad things she most definitely does not like them.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?A bit, yeah. She often will stay awake at night talking about it with Venom because he's technically old as shit, to which she'll sometimes wake Colossus up so he can give his 2 cents which is usually 'Go back to BED'.

30. Have they ever been bullied?When they were younger, yes. Being a mutant often makes you the Caesar of jokes, which she hated and resorted to eventually wearing half gloves as a result to cover her markings.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?After losing her strength to fight she is often plagued with self-confidence issues, not feeling like anything is up to par with what she would like. Having a group of supportive friends and loved ones around her pulls her out of this hole eventually though.

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?God no. Her parents are her heroes and while they aren't mutants themselves, have been with her 100% of the way to make sure she could live life as comfortably as possible.

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?The majority of her relationships all ended on decent terms. She keeps in touch with them to keep the friendships going because they're all still cool folks.

34. Have they ever self harmed?No, she was always too nervous to go through with it.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?That her body return to normal. Or that she could gain her old mutation back.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?Because she's the current host of Venom she's kind of forced to keep her emotions in check. That of course doesn't mean that she doesn't have a hiccup in the road every now and then but she does her best to keep them both centered.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?Yes. A few times to her displeasure, but she's always managed to get it back and get her revenge for it.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?slgjksgdl yes, she's even gone as far as getting herself tossed into the Ice Box intentionally for missions

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?Later in her life, yes. She gets set up at least once in order to do someone else's dirty work, which she does not take to kindly.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?Sometimes, yes. But only if she wasn't able to help in the matter as expected.

41. Do they get sick often?Nah, despite being a walking enigma of health she surprisingly doesn't get sick.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?She likes to think she is. At the start of her new chapter in life she's kind of drifting around in college and just trying to live as normal a life as she can despite wanting to do more but not wanting to overwhelm her body in the process.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?Yes. There's large chunks of her past that she has no recollection of and wishes (though fears) that she could change or at least SEE them.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?Protect her loved ones and/or spend more time with Colossus, since they're schedules are always so borked.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?Exhaustion or Confusion sgkgls

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?Unfortunately, yes. During her teen years after her experience she fought heavily with it due to not knowing what happened to herself in the gap of memory missing, just the emptiness that stayed with her.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?No, while she considered it many a time she decided against it because her desire to figure out what happened overpowered the desire to die.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?Oh honey. Pick a name out of the hat, she's good to go LOL

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.This is WAY far off but in her story, but probably the reawakening of Knull. Since he's the god of symbiotes it would ultimately destroy her because it would mean Venom would be reverted to his original feral self and Knull would probably force her to watch as he takes over Earth, a situation she would attempt to thwart but would be more than welcome to die than see him reach his goal.

50. Create your own!Time to reveal a sad plot in Nina's story (since I don't know when I'll get to this hhh) -Nina and Colossus actually met each other when she was younger when the x-men came to her rescue at the Essex corp, but because of Charles Xavier doing his special MIND TRICKS she holds no recollection of ever meeting him or any of the conversations they held when she was recovering from the incident at the mansion. So they have this strange familiar feeling when they first meet but think it's just a possible attraction to one another and can't place why :')

[bob-giovanni]

I’ll Cover You - Part 13

@faith-lynn9 @collette04 @simons-savior86 @simons-thirst-squad @negans-castleCharacters: Simon X OFC

Summary: Emily meets Sherry. Afterwards, Emily and Simon take another big step in their relationship.

Warnings: Fluff, Cursing

Notes: Sorry it’s been taking me so long to get these stories posted. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I’m taking a couple of mental health days from work this week so hopefully that’ll help me recharge my batteries and get back to normal.

Emily was sitting at the bar at Amara’s chewing her nails. She only ever did that when she was nervous. And right now she was almost shaking she was so nervous. She was going to meet Sherry today, Simon’s ex-wife. She’d had a little bit of a breakdown earlier in the week. Simon sat her down to give her a little pep talk because he knew how nervous Emily was. “Listen to me, ok? Sherry can be intimidating but she’s all bark and no bite. I don’t think she’s gonna do anything to try and upset you but if she does just take a couple of deep breaths and keep your cool. Remember, this about Amara. That’s the only reason she wants to meet you. I know you care about her so I know you’ll be just fine.” Emily kept replaying those words over and over again in her head. Just as she started to calm down a bit, the door to the club opened and in walked a very pregnant Sherry. She was even more beautiful than the picture Simon had shown her. She felt so inferior. “Simon definitely downgraded getting with me.” She thought to herself.

Emily knew that her anxiety was getting the best of her now. She pushed the negative thoughts from her head and finished the rest of her beer before hopping off the stool and heading over to the booth Sherry was sitting in. Emily approached slowly and with a slight smile, though Sherry didn’t see because she was looking at a menu. “Hi.” Emily said softly. Sherry looked up quickly. “Hey, hun. Listen, no offense, but I’m just not in the mood for small talk right now. Can I just get a chicken Caesar salad and a glass of ice water?” Emily furrowed her eyebrows. “Umm, I’m sorry?” Sherry put the menu down and looked up at Emily. “That’s what I want. Ya know, my order?” It took Emily a second until she realized what was happening. “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I don’t work here. Um…I’m Emily.” Sherry quirked and eyebrow and sat back, looking Emily up and down. “You’re Emily?” She said, almost in disbelief. Emily nodded. “May I sit?” Sherry crossed her arms and nodded towards the empty seat across from her. Emily slid into the booth and cleared her throat, figuring it was best if Sherry took the lead.

After a moment of awkward silence, Sherry finally spoke. “So, Emily…how old are you exactly?” Emily knew this question was going to come up so she wasn’t surprise. “I’m 21. I’ll be 22 in a couple of weeks.” “You do know that Simon is 40, right?” Emily nodded. “Yes, of course.” A waiter walked over to their table and Sherry gave him her order. Emily just ordered a water. “So what do you do for a living, Emily?” She couldn’t tell if Sherry was genuinely curious or if she was just trying to find things to judge her on. “I work at a veterinarian’s office.” Sherry nodded and took a sip of her water as the waiter placed her glass in front of her. “Do you do drugs?” Emily furrowed her brows and shook her head. “No, of course not.” “Do you smoke? Drink?” “I don’t smoke. I drink occasionally.” Sherry nodded and just stared at Emily for a moment as if she was unsure what to make of her.

“Look, I’m gonna be honest with you, Emily. When Simon told me he had a girlfriend I certainly didn’t picture someone like you.” “What do you mean ‘someone like me?’” Sherry sighed softly. “Well for one thing I thought you’d be older. I can’t say I’m thrilled about your age.” Emily crossed her arms and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table. “I’m not sure what my age has to do with anything.” Sherry smiled in a condescending manner. “I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t like the idea of a twenty something trying to take my place in Amara’s life.” Emily shook her head. “I’m not trying to take your place. Not at all. I know what Amara is going through. My parents got divorced when I was her age. It sucks. And it’s weird. I mean, you’re with someone new, I’m with Simon, you’re having a baby. Sometimes you just need a friend to help you through these things. That’s all I’m trying to do is be her friend.”

Sherry thanked the waiter as he placed her salad down in front of her. Emily took a sip of her water and licked her lips. “The only thing I can do is promise you that I would never do anything to hurt Amara. I care about her. She’s almost like a little sister to me. I can definitely understand where you’re coming from and I respect your feelings. But I assure, I’m not trying to replace anyone. I’m just trying to be a supportive friend and girlfriend.” Sherry took a few bites of her salad as she listened to Emily. As much as she wanted to hate her, she knew that if she objected that it would only lead to Amara getting angry with her and cause more fighting between her and Simon. She sighed softly and nodded. “Ok, fair enough. But if one hair on that girl’s head is harmed while she’s with you, I am going to hold you personally responsible, got it?” Emily nodded. “Yes, definitely.” After another moment of awkward silence Sherry spoke again. “Ok, that’s all. You can go now.” Emily nodded and slid out of the booth. “Well it was nice to meet you.” Sherry looked up at Emily and nodded. “Likewise.” And with that Emily turned and left the club.

She drove right to Simon’s house after her meeting with Sherry and hurried inside. Simon was lounging on the couch reading a book when Emily came in. Simon closed the book and placed it on the coffee table as he sat up. “Hey, how did everything go?” He asked. Emily sat next to him on the couch and shrugged a bit. “Ok, I guess. She has a problem with my age and she thinks I’m trying to replace her but I assured her I’m not. I think everything is ok. For now, at least.” Simon nodded and wrapped his arms around Emily, pulling her close. “Thank you so much for doing this.” He said and kissed her forehead. Emily wrapped her arms around Simon’s torso. “Of course. It would’ve been silly of me not to.” “Why’s that?” “Well, because I love you and I care about Amara. If I couldn’t put myself in an uncomfortable situation for a little bit then I’d be a pretty shitty girlfriend.” Simon laughed softly and shook his head. “You’re actually the best girlfriend ever. I love you.” Emily smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Simon’s lips. “I love you too.”

The pair spent the rest of the afternoon cuddled up on the couch watching TV. After a couple of hours they ordered dinner. This was Emily’s favorite. Sure she like going out and hanging out with her friends. But she loved staying in with Simon more than anything. She felt so safe with him, like they were the only 2 people in the world. She never wanted that feeling to go away. After dinner they laid on the couch for a bit longer before deciding to head up to the bedroom. Simon playfully grabbed at Emily’s backside as she walked up the steps, causing her to giggle and slap his hands away. “You’re gonna get it, mister.” She would tease. “Oh yeah? What exactly am I gonna get?” He would tease back. Then they found themselves in Simon��s bedroom making out as they did many nights. Emily’s favorite position for this was when Simon would sit on the edge of the bed so she could straddle his waist. She loved making out with Simon. She loved the way his strong arms would hold her close to his body, the way his lips felt on her neck, the way his tongue explored her mouth. It always got her going.

As the pair lay naked and cuddling on the bed, a light sheen of sweat covering both their bodies, Emily gently ran her fingers through Simon’s chest hair. He loved when she did that. It was so relaxing. He would always close his eyes and make soft noises of approval when she did so. Emily had wanting to talk to Simon about something all night and figured, or hoped at least, that now, while he was still in a post sex haze, would be a good time. “Si, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Simon smiled as he twirled the ends of her hair around his fingers. “What’s up, sweetness?” He asked softly. Emily chewed her bottom lip. “Well, as I’m sure you know, my birthday is in a couple of weeks. And well, I was planning on going home to Vermont for a week to see my family and friends. I was wondering if you would come with me and…meet my parents.” Simon looked over at her. She had a hopeful look in her eyes. The thought of meeting Emily’s parents immediately made Simon nervous, but he loved Emily and wanted to make her happy. He smiled and nodded. “Of course.” “Really?” Simon nodded. Emily grinned brightly and pulled Simon into a hug. “Oh, Simon, thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you.” She said before kissing Simon sweetly. Simon laughed softly against her lips. “I love you too.”

Two weeks later, the day before Emily’s birthday, Simon was sitting on a plane with his girlfriend on his way to her hometown of Burlington, Vermont. Simon had been pretty nervous for the past couple of weeks. Meeting a girlfriend’s parents had never been his favorite thing to do. There was always too much pressure to impress them. And Simon felt even more pressure this time around. As much as Simon didn’t want to admit it, he knew the age thing was going to come up. Especially after finding out that Emily’s father is 45 and her mother is 42, only slightly older than Simon. In an effort to try and appear younger, Simon shaved off his mustache. He’d had it the entire time he knew Emily so he hoped she would react well. When he arrived at her house, she gave him whistle. “Damn, baby.” He laughed softly. “You like?” Emily wrapped her arms around Simon’s neck. “I do, but now everyone is really gonna get to see those delicious lips of yours.” Simon laughed and shook his head. On the plane, Simon tried to think positive but he was worried about how this week was going to turn out. Things were already going to be tense because Emily’s parents were going to be together. From what Emily told him, they didn’t get together often since their divorce. And when they did, things always ended in a fight. But Simon tried his best not let on that he was nervous. He didn’t want to upset Emily.

The flight was pretty uneventful luckily. After they landed and deplaned, Simon and Emily walked hand in hand through the small airport to a rental car counter. Simon paid for the car and Emily drove since she knew where she was going. Her mom’s house was about 45 minutes from the airport. The drive was pretty peaceful and scenic. As they pulled into the driveway, Simon sighed softly. Emily smiled over at Simon as she shut the car off. “Don’t worry. They’re gonna love you.” Simon smiled softly and climbed out of the car. He grabbed their luggage from the trunk and walked up to the front door, standing next to Emily. She rang the doorbell and bounced excitedly on her heels. Simon took a deep breath and put on his best smile as the front door swung open.

Tags: @faith-lynn9 @collette04 @simons-savior86 @simons-thirst-squad @negans-castle

[rewolfaekilerom]

dear diary #2

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 07.02.2021//

I haven’t posted in, like, a month or something. I’m sorry, but I’m also not all that sorry. I had a super negative interaction with a client at work that just . . . completely put me in a funk. I feel like I’m only just getting out of that funk, and I’m trying to accelerate the “getting over it” stage of that process by writing in here–even if it’s just a small little nothing of a post. I don’t really want to talk about the work thing, but I will talk around it.

Something I think a lot about–perhaps even something that’s coalescing into a life motto of sorts–is how we interact with other people and the role(s) each person plays in their corner of the world.

As a grad student, I often worried that my PhD in literary studies was a degree that wouldn’t do anything for the world. That concern hasn’t gone away since I entered the workforce, but it has evolved. My thinking on a lot of things has evolved, but this is at the front of my mind right now. Anyway, I worried that a literary studies PhD–and, more specifically, the work I was doing and the outcomes of that degree–weren’t having, and wouldn’t ever have, a tangible impact on the world. The older I get, the more concerned I am with having a positive impact on others’ lives. I could see how my community engagement and outreach work helped people, and I understood how teaching benefitted students, but I couldn’t understand how the scholarship I was producing would change anything substantive and in a substantive way. I’m still not sure I’ve settled that concern, perhaps in part because that’s just not something I’m doing anymore. Without getting specific, my day job has me doing a lot of different types of work, but one of the things I do is making sure other people’s ideas get out there, wherever there might be. Those people’s ideas are often more clearly related to improving the real world, so I feel a bit more like I’m accomplishing things, though I do worry that the industry I’m in has its own bag of problems and negative effects on its participants. All this is to say that I want to do good in the world–to do things that will, in some way or another, make someone else’s life better. But I’m also bound by the decisions I made as a teenager and in my early twenties, so the skills and experience I possess aren’t exactly compatible with a career as a social worker or some other role that has a more “hands on” influence on society. I’m also aware that those types of careers play their own problematic roles in systemic issues. There are problems everywhere.

Anyway, a few months ago, as I was doing some sort of frivolous task, I had the ~brilliant~ thought that every person on the planet serves a different function (not in, like, a religious sense but in something resembling a hippy-dippy “energy” sense)–that some people put positive energy into the world, people absorb that positive energy, and still other people put negative energy into the world. It’s a half-fleshed theory, and it’s not something I really think is worth pursuing much further than that except to say that it helped me formulate something I’d been thinking for a long time, which was that I want to be someone who puts positive energy into the world–again, someone who improves others’ lives and who doesn’t just absorb others’ positive energy like a black hole. I’ve met people like that, and I’m determined to be the opposite.

This little 15-minute mental diatribe brought me to the realization that there are a million ways to be a person who does good and is positive. Some of those ways are intangible, and some might argue less meaningful, while so other ways are very tangible. There’s of course a sliding scale of positive impacts we can have on the world, but I’m also of the mind that every little bit helps. There’s so much negativity and hurt and hate in the world that simply thinking positive thoughts and telling someone else that you’re thinking positive thoughts about them can go a very long way. Thoughts won’t feed hungry families or stop domestic violence, but expressing those positive thoughts can improve someone’s day, even if only marginally. That’s something.

This all brings me to my larger point: Why the hell would you want to be a person who–deliberately or not–negatively impacts someone else’s life? What do you, the negative person, get from playing that role? Does it make you feel powerful, and if so, is that power worth knowing that you’re the reason someone else’s positivity has been crushed, even if only temporarily? It feels good to make someone else feel good, but is the reverse also true? Given the number of people who seem to pride themselves on–or, at the very least, seem to revel in–being negative or trampling other people’s happiness, there must be a certain type of person who feels good when they put negativity into the world.

Anger and hostility and grudges make me feel sick. I feel awful when I’ve unintentionally hurt someone else’s feelings, even if it’s only a minor slight. That doesn’t mean I don’t prioritize or value myself, but it does mean that I’m aware (maybe too aware) of how my actions impact other people, and I will sacrifice some happiness for myself if it means making someone else happy. So, even when I’ve definitely been wronged, my response is really never retaliation or negativity in equal measure. My response is to cut that person or thing or situation out of my life, to avoid it, to no longer give it space to exist in my world. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with the prospect of choosing my battles. I find that, to continue that metaphor, I’m hardly ever at war, and when I am, it’s usually because I want to avoid that thing happening to someone else. Did I always think that way? Hell no. I’ve retaliated and fought fire with fire, but responding in that way in the past taught me that it’s not how I would choose to respond in the future. Sometimes we don’t have the option to opt out of a battle or cut negativity out of our lives, but we usually can choose how we fight that battle or what we do with the negativity we encounter.

And, I don’t know, I just think it’s easy to be kind. Honestly, I think it’s easier to be kind and positive than to be negative. And I’m not talking depression or anxiety here. Those are legitimate challenges that people face, and I don’t think that having depression or anxiety or any other mental health struggle precludes a person from putting positive energy into the world. I don’t think those things mean that a person is a sponge who absorbs others’ positivity and turns it into negativity. I don’t think things work like that.

In a lot of ways, I think that being a positive, kind person is a choice. It’s not who we are but who we choose to be and what we choose to do. And I think it’s often easier to choose to be kind, understanding, compassionate, welcoming, supportive, and encouraging than it is to choose to be cruel, angry, hateful, unaccepting, and unsupportive. And when it’s not easier to choose to be positive, the benefits–that good feeling you get when you see someone else feel good, for instance–makes up for whatever challenges you encounter along the way.

Thankfully, the older I’ve gotten, the less cruelty I’ve encountered. Maybe that’s because things affect me less or I’ve learned to spot someone who’s going to be cruel. Maybe it’s because, as that saying goes, kids are cruel, and I’m no longer a kid. Or maybe it’s because I’m less aware of cruelty because I’m more focused on what I think about myself than what others do or say or think about me. I don’t know. What I do know is that when I do encounter cruelty now, it’s jarring. I can’t say it’s more or less jarring than it was in the past, but I do know that my thoughts and reactions are different. I still internalize that cruelty to a certain degree, wondering what I did to inspire that type of reaction in someone else and feeling a bit like I’ve failed. But I also try to contextualize that cruelty, to wonder if, perhaps, that cruelty could’ve had little or nothing to do with me, or to ask other people for their opinions of that cruelty to figure out how much I need to consider its source. And I usually don’t react to that cruelty, or at least, I try not to react to that cruelty with cruelty in equal measure. As I said, I pick my battles, and I usually don’t pick a battle with someone who’s being cruel because that’s often all they want to do–that’s their end game, so nothing I do or say will change that. It’s often easier–that is, less emotionally and mentally exhausting for me–to not engage than to try to snap the other person out of it.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking of one of my former friends. She and I are, I think, of opposing viewpoints on this, and I’m not sure if one way is better than the other, though I am partial to my way. I’ll explain why.

This former friend, I’ll call her S, will fight absolutely every battle. She will tell someone off at the drop of a hat, take another’s cruelty personally and then dish it out in equal measure, and call out any slight she feels has been made against her. Sometimes I admire this about S because she’s so quick to identify and then call out bigotry. I wish I could formulate the types of articulate responses she does in these situations; I call them out, but I often don’t have the same force that S does, and it usually takes me a few seconds to get the words out. She just does it, and it usually has the intended effect.

That said, I think her general hot-headedness–her tendency to tell someone off for an offense or to hold a grudge forever (these are not the same as her skillful ability to dispense with bigots)–causes more problems than it solves. I think it can push people away, even people who aren’t involved in the offense. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting to be on the sidelines of these exchanges, either as a firsthand observer or as a friend who helps her cope with the emotional aftermath of a blow-up. I also think that, though S feels empowered by responding so forcefully in the moment, she often later feels the same gross, icky way I do when I express anger. I guess I’m not sure it ultimately does her any good to respond in that way. In those lesser situations (so, not bigotry or something equally offensive and deserving of being called out), that type of reaction definitely doesn’t make the other person feel differently or respect her any more, and I’m not really sure it makes her feel better or more powerful either. But I don’t think she’d see it that way. I think she’d see it as her having made her point and put the other person in their place, in turn teaching them that they can’t interact with her in that way.

But I’m of the mindset that there are other, simpler, less explosive ways to make a similar point. I’m a big one for just cutting someone out of my life when I feel they’ve done me wrong. In the past, I’ve occasionally responded to cruelty by calling it out with shouts or angry words, but I never feel good after those exchanges. As I’ve gotten older, though, my response has more often been to call that cruelty out in plain language and then remove myself from the situation. I’m talking something simple like, “I really don’t appreciate being spoken to that way, so please do not contact me again. I’m done.” And if that person tries to contact me again, I don’t respond. I don’t engage, I don’t send a petty message, I don’t pick up the call to rub their loss of me in their face, nothing. I just don’t participate. Is that easy? Hell no. Sometimes I desperately want to make the other person feel how they made me feel, but I don’t because it doesn’t do me any good to drag that negative relationship (or whatever sort) on any longer.

And, anticipating someone’s snarky response, I’ll say that this isn’t because I can’t hack it with these types of arguments or whatever. I verbally sparred with my mother for the entirety of my teenage years (and some of my twenties); I picked fights with her, often (without knowing) simply to test out some new snotty response. She’s a tough cookie–a loving, supportive, incredible cookie, but a tough cookie nonetheless; she doesn’t take shit, and she didn’t take my shit. Years of being a brat means that I’ve mastered the snotty, better-than-you, belittling response–Emily Gilmore would be proud. I’m probably a little out of practice, but I’m pretty confident I could still do it if pressed. But I’ve learned that there may be some truth to the saying “you win more flies with honey than vinegar.” Maybe picking your battles is a better way to engage with the world. The people in my life know this about me, and they know I will stand up for myself and demand respect, but they also know (I hope) that I’m not out to fight every battle that comes my way. Sometimes I wonder if I would even have the energy to fight every battle.

So, this is all to say that bearing no ill will toward an ex with whom you’ve had an especially messy breakup or letting go of a grudge against a friend who betrayed you is no easy thing (and these are the types of “lesser” battles I’m talking about here, not series battles related to systemic racism, abuse, etc.), but trying to work toward that is usually worth it. Trust me, I have exes I never want to see again and would definitely not recommend to a potential employer, but I don’t actively hate them or feel anger toward them. And the same goes for friends who I feel have done me wrong (or even friends with whom I just don’t share anything in common anymore). I don’t wish them harm and I wouldn’t be cruel to them; I just hope to never have to interact with them in person again. Simple as.

I know that this isn’t the case for S, though. Any mention of a particularly shitty ex partner or ex friend is accompanied by an only slightly-less-diminished anger than one might have observed when the relationship first ended. And maybe that’s not so bad, maybe that’s a way for S to avoid slipping back into that type of negative relationship or entering into a future relationship that shares many of the same negative features. I don’t know, though. I’m not convinced that it makes her life any better or less emotionally exhausting. I really do think it actually does the opposite.

This brings me back to the start of this post. When I experienced cruelty a few weeks ago, I faced a bit of a quandary: I couldn’t cut that person out of my life, but I could seek others’ opinions of the cruelty in order to contextualize it and I could respond in such a way as to deescalate the situation so we could just move on, effectively cutting the anger out of my life, if not the person too. Did I still cry about it and take a few days (okay, weeks) to process it? Yes. Do I still think it was an unnecessary way to interact with another person in a professional setting? Absolutely. But am I glad I didn’t fight fire with fire and respond in kind? Yes, completely. Did I learn something from this? Yes, a lot of things, actually–that sometimes people are cruel when they don’t need to be, that going into every interaction with the intention of being kind is what works for me, that sometimes another person’s anger has more to do with them than it does with you, and that I’m a giant fucking crybaby.

That’s all for now.

xoxo, you know

[cantskank]

on silence and slowness

i tried calling my sister today.  she actually picked up, unlike last time (when she also ignored my follow-up text), but she was out and said she’d call back later.  i told her to text if i didn’t pick up, since sometimes calls don’t go through.  i waited to have my fucking dinner because i thought for sure she’d call back in a bit.  well, guess what happened????

(me, waiting around like an idiot, not acknowledging the fact that she definitely wasn’t calling, finally having dinner a couple of hours later.)

and i guess my main question is, does she think i’m that simple, that idiotically content and unaware, that she can “promise” to call me back, then not do it, and i won’t even notice?  that telling me she will do that will satisfy me enough until she can hang up and bank on the fact that like a dumb happy dog i’ll get distracted by the next thing and forget that we were supposed to talk?

i don’t think this is what i would be jumping to/fixating on about the situation if it weren’t something i was hyperaware of my whole life?  like, i was always very smiley and happy as a kid and i think that is why a lot of the time i was treated just a little bit slow by my family?  (never mind the fact that if i was not being smiley and complacent and easy and happy that my mom would get annoyed and act like i was being a huge inconvenience) (plus i was always a little big, which never helps your case if you’re trying to convince someone that you’re intelligent)  i just feel like i have a lot of memories of my mom laughing at me a bit when i said something “dumb” and i think she thought it was a bit cute and on her end it was lighthearted?  but i could always tell she was making fun of me.  and there was never really anything i could say to explain myself, she just wanted to joke about/laugh at me messing things up.  and that kind of dynamic catches on, right??  so i feel like my siblings have also always thought i was a bit slow.  and my dad was never around and never really got to know me as a kid and he’s definitely the family member i feel the most anxiety over looking dumb in front of (because then he will be able to make the call for himself that i’m slow).  the whole vibe was nothing like really bullying or overt (i wasn’t like constantly being belittled or put down at home or anything) but um i don’t think it’s something i’ve really like allowed myself to think about too much?  i just made the connection in the shower and almost started crying?

i’ve always been a bit anxious, a bit overly careful to make sure i wasn’t misrepresenting myself.  like, if someone mistakes something i said and makes a joke out of it, instead of letting the joke go, most of the time i’ll explain myself so they know i’m not dumb or that like i get what they’re saying (showing that i’m in on the joke is very important to me i think).  i have never liked speaking in front of a group of people, i don’t like feeling scrutinized and watched by that many people?  like i’m just standing there defenseless and exposed and they’re all able to see exactly what i’m doing (and doing wrong)?

i think it’s connected to me being a bit of a people pleaser as well...like because i always felt a little dumb and inferior i worked extra hard to live up to expectations?  not rock the boat and get noticed?  like i’ve always tried to get past that idea that i’m just a little bit slower and simpler than everyone else in the family and that they can all just join in on laughing together at me and i won’t even get what’s going on or even understand that there’s something to laugh at.  and nowadays socially i do work hard to be funny and i think it’s so that i can be in on the joke (and i never make those sorts of jokes at anyone else’s expense).  and one of the most important things to me is to not let my parents down which could possibly come from me trying not to be a bit dumb like they already expect.

and i’m sure if you asked they would call me smart or whatever, they just don’t really understand what it implies to always make me *not* being in on the joke, the butt of the joke.

um idk it’s weird and while i’ve definitely thought about like “ugh i have low self-esteem and my negative self-talk revolves around being big and slow and dumb and i know that probably comes from feeling really negatively misunderstood by my immediate family members” i have not really been willing to admit it’s more important than that?  and it may not be.  times like these i really want a therapist, because i think they would be really helpful in sorting out whether that is significant for me or whether i’m overestimating/exaggerating its importance in my life.  for the rest of the times i’m not sure if what i need is a therapist or just someone who will validate my bad feelings.  like, what i really want more than anything in life is someone who will just take the time to listen to my problems, tell me that they sound really difficult, and reassure and help me.  so i’ve avoided really pursuing therapy because i’m worried that 1. my problems are not significant enough for therapy (although that is becoming less and less of a problem as i start to acknowledge more of this stuff) or 2. their job is to help me fix any problems i might have and i don’t know if i want to fix them, what i might want first and foremost is just someone who will make me and my problems feel accepted and heard.  which is just a little pathetic probably.

anyway it probably hit really hard this time because it’s sort of a problem i’ve been having a lot recently.  um, i’m probably the last person that gets to complain about stuff because i’m really bad at this most of the time when the world is normal, but i’ve reached out to a few people recently and not heard a single thing back?  i wrote to possibly my two closest friends here individually and didn’t hear anything back from either one.  and one of them i’m a bit concerned about?  we’ve talked at length about her mental health and she mentioned that she had been in a really bad place prior to us talking?  and i’ve tried to contact her a few times recently (once asking if she wanted to chat again, once like asking how she was doing, once more casually so she didn’t feel the pressure of the whole “how are you doing” conversation) and she didn’t respond to any of the messages, didn’t even view them as far as i can tell?  she did have a message in a large group chat (that i keep muted most of the time) from a few days ago, which made me feel better in terms of her possibly doing okay at that point.  i just realized that there is a call tomorrow she should probably be on, so hopefully i will see her and feel better.  plus there is a thing on friday i will probably do that she should be at. anyway, no response from either of my friends, no response (basically) from either of my siblings.  from time to time when i’m not doing so well i start to feel very floaty emotionally and i get in a weird funk about not really existing?  not in a depersonalization sense (from what i can tell) but in a sort of existential sense (don’t think i’m using that word right...).  sort of like “if a tree falls down in a forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound” but like “if i put something out there and get no response do i even exist and count?  am i worthy of being listened to?  am i an invisible ghost, not even to be acknowledged?”  how can i trust that i’m worthy of any type of consideration if i’m not getting any response to what i’m putting out there?  like, in that sense do i exist.  because existence is objective, sure, in one sense, but also can’t you build your trust in your own existence on how you are received and responded to?  like i exist (sure) but do i if i only listen to myself?  when i feel sometimes at one with the universe and swallowed up, and also sometimes reduced down to the tiniest dot?  okay so then i can trust other people to help me understand how much i am.  but if i put something out there and get nothing back, then i don’t know do i.

(“just put yourself out there” (is the advice i continually get for making friends) not if it’s always me and i am clearly everyone’s last priority, the slow one catching up to the social situations, the one that they roll their eyes for having there and having to include.  i KNOW when you’re doing that, when you’re impatient and over me as a person or think i’m too much too loud or not worthy or that i’m someone you can ignore or push around.  when you don’t value me)

anyway i might start slipping into that funk i’m not sure.  we shall see.  things with my studies are getting more intense so hopefully not.  also my own stress might be contributing to a lot of negativity right now, and i will hopefully feel better about things in a day or two.

um take care <3 <3 <3 <3

[shelbeymurphy-blog]

Day 3 - February 26th, 2020

Day three got the best of me I will admit. I am not too sure whether it was the challenge or just an off day for me (maybe a combination of both) but I was just not feeling like myself today. At 5 o’clock in the morning I got a text from my clinical instructor saying that my clinical was cancelled because she was sick, which at first I saw as a blessing. I had a day to relax and catch up on a bunch of things. However, I was looking forward to clinical and being able to keep myself busy as I had did yesterday. 

As any rational person would do at 5 o’clock in the morning I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and thought I would wake up feeling rested and ready to start my day. However, I am sure you could guess that this was not the case. I honestly had no motivation to get out of bed and I fell so groggy all day long. Not only was I having a rough morning but tomorrow I also have a safe medication calculation exam and if I do not get above 90%, I fail. This added stress on top of everything else set me up for one of the longest and hardest days I have had in a while.  

BREAKFAST - 09:30

Breakfast this morning was tough for me because I as I mentioned above I just was not in a great head space today. I made two eggs with two pieces of toast for breakfast and broke, yet again, another yolk. I could tell it was going to be a rough day when breaking the yolk to one of my eggs almost made me cry. My ability to regulate my emotions seemed to be completely out the window. Throughout the rest of the day my mood was flat, so flat my even my roommates noticed and kept asking me if I was okay throughout the day. To be honest it was really frustrating to be in such a weird mood and have no idea why or how to explain to others how you are feeling. 

After breakfast I tried to sit down and start practicing medication calculations for my test and I caught myself several times staring into to blank space or just completely zoning out. I had no concept of time and what I thought had been hours of studying had only been 45 minutes. I was so frustrated and confused about why I could not snap out of this funk. One of the hardest parts of this challenge is that I am not even hungry lots of the time but I am just so drained from the stress about worrying if I have enough food and if I am able to have a snack.

LUNCH - 13:00

Lunch rolled around at about 1 o’clock and I was hoping that this meal would help me out of my odd mood. However, it honestly almost made it worse. I was so tired after this that I had to lay down and have a nap, even though I got to sleep in this morning. After about an hour long nap I woke up and tried to start studying again, this time being a little more successful than the last attempt. 

At this point in my day I thought to myself that maybe a piece of fruit might help and I decided to eat one of my last bananas (I forgot to take a picture, but cut me some slack, I had a rough day). Honestly, the fruit helped a bit and it gave me a little more energy to actually have some decent study time. After about an hour or so of studying my boyfriend came over so I took a little break. He gave me one hug and I am not kidding when I say that I balled my eyes out for about half an hour. He was confused, I was confused and to be honest I could not tell you why I was crying. I think I was just so emotionally and mentally drained that I had a mini breakdown. Worried, he offered to go buy me some snacks or a healthy meal to eat to hopefully make me feel a bit better. However, the thought of cheating and not completing the challenge completely snapped me out of my mood and I was ready to stop feeling sorry for myself. 

DINNER - 19:00

I swear, if my roommates jokingly ask me what I am having for dinner one more time, I may lose my mind a bit. I get it is a joke and that they are trying to make light of my situation but I am already sick of having the same meal everyday and them making jokes hit a nerve today. I am going to blame this on my bad day, but every little thing today made me get irrationally emotional. This challenge is kicking my butt. 

Today, I had my pre-made rice and vegetables for dinner again. However, not having to cook or decide what to make all week has been nice but I still wish I had more variety. I want to be able to switch up my meals for the second half of the challenge so that I am less tired of eating the same thing but I know that rice and tomato sauce or pasta and vegetables will be much worse. However, on a better note I am actually feeling quite full after my meals and find myself only wanting more snacks when I am relaxing. 

SNACKS - 21:00

After such an emotional roller coaster today I decided i could have a little treat. Actually, correction, a fairly big treat. I did not take a picture of it but I actually ate six of my “dinosours” and 4 pieces of my Kit Kat (half of the whole chocolate bar). Oh, and on top of that I also ate the granola bar pictured below. I will admit I went a little crazy and I definitely did not need to eat all of that but I went to be in such a better mood. 

THOUGHTS

Looking back on my day, it is quite ridiculous to think that I thought I had a hard day when I had three full meals, a few snacks, and some treats because some people in the world do not have that option. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself because I have the option to eat more food should I choose too, when in reality people do not. When they get hungry, they stay hungry and that breaks my heart. There is an estimated 815 million people in the world (that is 10.7%) that were suffering from undernourishment in 2016 (World Hunger, 2018). Those numbers really put into perspective how little my issues are. 

To clarify, I am not a crier, I do not cry often and I definitely would not usually cry over breaking an egg yolk. In hopes to find a reason for my crazy, emotional day, I did some research on how hunger effects an individual emotions. I found a website that summarizes an article from the Journal of Biological Psychiatry and it displayed that serotonin levels, which are partially responsible for regulating mood and behaviour, fluctuates when an individual has not eaten or becomes stressed out (Dallas, 2011). This made me feel a little less guilty for being so emotional and tired throughout my day because I had no eaten what my body is used to and I was extremely stressed out. 

I apologize for the shorter post today, but as I write this I am still feeling quite down and I am going to try to get a good nights sleep tonight. Hopefully day 4 is nicer to me, than day 3. 

To look at the website Research Reveals Why Hungry People Get Cranky: https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/0916/research-reveals-why-hungry-people-get-cranky.aspx

To look at the World Hunger website: https://www.worldhunger.org/world-hunger-and-poverty-facts-and-statistics/