#depression too strong cant blog whatever who cares

[the-kipsabian]

.

[crybabysunflower]

The song which reminds me of a Mystic Messenger character

Introduction

I have chosen this song based on how I have perceived this certain character from the otome game. I have chosen this song because the lyrics reminded me of him every time I listened to the song.

The character I have chosen for my blog is Kim Yoosung and the song which reminds me of him is Zombie by the South Korean punk pop band Day6 from their 2020 album, The Book of Us: The Demon

Before I write this blog I would give a trigger warning because it may have mentions of having suicidal thoughts so please read at your own risk.

The Lyrics

"What kind of day was yesterday

Was there anything special

I'm trying to remember

But nothing comes to my mind"

The lyrics above represents hopelessness and pessimism, the lyrics describes how the singer can't recall anything remotely positive happened to him on the previous day, he has been so used to the misery he has been dealing with. This reminds me of how Rika's "death" had severely affected Yoosung's life to the point that his life had come to a standstill, after that incident he had been waking up to face the same monotonous, miserable days which repeats over and over. He did not experience anything positive enough to affect him since the loss of his beloved cousin.

"Today goes by the same

Am I the only one struggling

How do I get through this

Would things get better

If I cry my heart out"

The first line of the lyrics again brings back our focus to the monotonous nature of the singer's life, just like the singer Yoosung too leads a monotonous, colourless life. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, Yoosung feels that he is the only one who is still not over grieving over his cousin since the other RFA members in his perception are seemingly doing well and are succesful in their careers while he is stuck in the past and wasting away his life. He is desperate to get over the never ending pain he had been feeling since the tragic incident due to which he finds comfort in playing video games which helps him to drown his sorrows but unfortunately it turns into a serious addiction and it actually does more harm to him than doing good. The last two lines also depicts the singer's strong desire to get over the heartache and thus he wonders if crying out loud would make his agony subside. This reminds me of how just like the singer Yoosung too had desired to cry out his pain several times, but he knows that it is futile since the rest of his friends are eventually going to invalidate his feelings in some way or the other.

"Yeah we live a life

Just running in circles day and night

Yeah we live a life

Though I try to change something

I cant seem to do anything

And I have got nothing left with me"

As the lyrics mentioned above Yoosung lives a life where he is just running in circles, he wakes up, goes to school (and can't pay attention to his lessons), comes back home, plays video games for the entire remaining day, and the cycle repeats. However he tries his best to change his situation, he joins various clubs in his school, the stitching club, the barista club and many more but, he quickly ends up losing interest in them and quitting them since they barely help him to cope up with his crippling depression. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, he found nothing to permanently get rid of his heartache. The last line reminds me of the void his cousin and role model Rika had left. After Rika's absence, there was no one for him to look up to, there was no one whom he would love to impress by performing well and finally there was no one to give him the type of emotional closure which he desperately craves for.

"I feel like I became a Zombie

With an empty heart and empty head

A scarecrow without a brain inside

Since when did I end up like this oh why"

Zombie is a person's corpse which continues to haunt the earth even after the actual demise of the person. Just like a zombie, Yoosung had been dead inside. He isn't living up to his fullest like he used to under Rika's guidance before, he is just surviving for the sake of it. A scarecrow is a term which is also used for describing a person in ragged clothes. Usually a person in ragged clothes is either not able to take care of themself and/or is not bothered about taking care of themself. In Yoosung's case, its both. He plays video games most of the time barely letting himself get a wink of sleep, he also does not give himself proper meals on time and happens to survive on convenient store foods and this is all because of his crippling depression which makes him hardly care about his own well being. Since he had been dealing with depression for quite a while and it has been a pretty long time since Rika's "demise" he can't recall for how long he had been persistently melancholic.

"I became a Zombie

I walk on drifting aimlessly

Tomorrow will be no different

I live counting the time

Till I close my eyes"

Initially Yoosung aimed to be a vet due to Rika's influence for which he worked hard to earn the top position in his class during his highschool years and he even joined one of the reknowned universities in the country with full scholarship, until the sudden disappearance of his cousin from his life. After her absence he had lost all of his sense of direction and aim in his life, he was no longer motivated to do well enough to accomplish his dreams. He had stopped expecting anything different would happen to him on the next day and is waiting for everything to end. The last lines reminds me of him in the Another Story routes. There it was very obvious that he had extremely dark thoughts where he wished to put and end to his sufferings (and thats why Zen kept him under his watchful eye to prevent the younger man from doing anything dangerous).

"Yeah we live a life

Eyes wide open in the dark

This meaningless life

Though I want to just let go

Though I want to just dream on

There is nothing I can do anymore"

The line "eyes wide open in the dark" can be used in the situation both literally and metaphorically at the same time. In the literal sense it reminds me of Yoosung's messed up sleep schedule where he barely sleeps at night. In the metaphorical sense it depicts that he can't see anything ahead of himself, except darkness, his eyes are wide open to see any possible beam of hope which he could not find at that moment. His future plans are luxury for him. When he sees the other RFA members, such as Jumin, Jaehee and Zen who are successful he desires to become as succesful as them. But whenever he dreams, he has this persistent thought that he will never be as successful as them, no matter whatever he does. That tragic incident had not only left him with crippling depression but also had shattered his self esteem.

"Get it all out, wanna cry

Let go of everything

Can I cry

Give me back my tears, they have run dry"

The lines above again depicts the desparate need to get over the crippling depression which is consuming the singer like a black hole. From the previous descriptions here, it is clear that in a similar fashion, Yoosung too is desparate to get over his sufferings. This reminds me of that one time when he told that he wants to cry so hard that he would blank out. He had already cried several times while grieving over Rika, yet he isn't satisfied.

Miscellaneous

I had also made a fanart on Yoosung based on this song because I was heavily inspired by the illustrated music videos I have seen of this song

Conclusion

I had been planning to make a lyric blog which would be related to a Mystic Messenger character. I am sorry that this took a very long time to come out. The only alibi I have to justify why I took so much of time is that, I was extremely nervous about it, I wanted to write a very good blog but I was not feeling confident enough about my project and hence I was extremely nervous about writing this blog. I an very glad for having instagram user @emilytheredone help me write this blog, she helped me to ease my nervousness over writing this blog. I am very thankful to her. Therefore, please let me know if this blog has turned out to be good.

[asking-jude]

hello! im a student, i live on campus with 10 roommates and i have anxiety, hypochondria and an eating disorder (great combination right). everything is on lockdown now because of the coronovirus and i am so so scared. i cant sleep and i have stomach problems from all the stress. and i have no idea when this all will end. i dont know what to do and i am so scared please help

Hi,

First off, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this - it must be a lot to handle on top of everything already going on. However, in these uncertain and chaotic times, I want you to know you are not alone in your struggles. With all of the drastic changes being made and nonstop media coverage, it is natural to experience stress and worry for your safety. Although we cannot control the overall situation, we can control how we respond to it. I know it is incredibly difficult, but there are things you can do to help keep your stress at bay.

In the midst of these difficult times, it is especially important to practice self-care. Journal, take a warm bath, meditate, create a gratitude list, declutter, watch your favorite movie, etc. - whatever helps you unwind. Since the best thing you can do right now is self-quarantine, you can also try to take this as an opportunity to engage in various activities. You can immerse yourself in a hobby you enjoy, or even try out something new. There are many people are offering live classes on various topics or you can even watch YouTube tutorials. You could try out a new recipe, learn a dance routine, do an at-home workout session, enhance your creative skills, etc. - with the Internet, the world is at your fingertips! These virtual opportunities are a great way to distract yourself and stay active in the comfort of your own home. I also suggest you limit your media exposure, as it can heighten your anxiety and give you false information.

I've also attached some resources that may help you cope with your anxiety around COVID-19: 

 https://time.com/5791076/coronavirus-anxiety-cope/

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/covid-19-lockdown-guide-how-manage-anxiety-and

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-cope-with-coronavirus-covid-19-anxiety-psychologist-2020-2

https://www.healthline.com/health/9-resources-for-coping-with-coronavirus-anxiety

 Here are some further links to help you manage your eating disorder and hypochondria during these tough times:

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/coronavirus-quarantine-eating-disorders

https://www.drdorie.com/coronavirus-and-eating-disorders/

https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/3/10/21172206/coronavirus-covid-19-anxiety-depression-mental-health-ocd

 I recommend you stay connected with your family and friends. I'm not sure if you are friends with your roommates, but it is good to have them around to keep you company. A Facetime/phone call to a family or friend can be helpful in getting you through the day. If you feel particularly overwhelmed, you can always speak with a Crisis Text Counselor by texting HOME to 741741 (in the U.S.). This is a 24/7 text service for individuals who need someone to listen and support them through whatever they need. If you feel that you need (and can afford) more regular, individualized support, there are virtual counseling services, such as TalkSpace or BetterHelp. 

We are resilient - humans have made it through terrible wars, famines, and (like we are currently) pandemics. Like everything, this too shall pass. In the meantime, take care of yourself and stay strong. I wish you all the best and hope you are able to find some peace in these uncertain times. 

Much love,

Siriveena 

Asking Jude needs YOUR help! Donate pocket change here and save our safe space.

[murlinxmaverick]

Max-Q

This is the start. We just made a decision that we must keep. I cant remember exactly what it was but I thought out the whole idea and it was beautiful, sexy, spontaneous, and all that great stuff. But its gone. I cant remember it any more so this is my attempt to remebering it as it was in that moment of escapism. This blog is for you. This is the start of becoming the person you are today, a letter from your past self. I’m making changes to this shit life. I started writing this thing like 6 days ago or something and I cant remember wtf I wanted to say. We had a revelation of what the future can bring if you just put everything into it. I want to break the boundaries and go above the limits of this shit life. 

user912968235, you are no longer bounded to your role. You are free to do anything. lets go to the fucking stars because we are literally ripping the mental shackles off. i can actually feel pain in my arms as im writing this. its probably from the way I’m sitting but I will not let the irony just slip by like so many other opportunities have. And right now what we need to focus on is the shit memory we have, or maybe by now, I have. I want this life to be writn by your hand and not the hand of an other. take control of this narrative, write a fucking campaign like some mad scientist on shrums. Lets fuck shit up. Lets find the love of our life. lets build a home where everyone wants to be, a place where people come and ask to stay. never turning down those you love. family, friends and just great people. 

Lets stay humble and work hard every moment we get. but also take breaks and let loose when the time is right. dont be lazy. because you had loads of time and youve wasted so much of it. But we are at a critical point, Max-Q aint no joke, we can really fuck it up here. We must start to plan out our future. I’m talking self image, ladies and career. we are starting at rock bottem because thats where i am. but not for long. this starship is not going to stay grounded for long. (starshitp just crashed) I’m talking werried i know. i must think about what I say before saying, my instinctive verbal responses are never wha people want to hear, lets start thinking. I have some serioius mental issues and the mind is so powerful. It should be functioning at max capacity, or else whats the point. i need to send this bitch to the garage because its not working right. Im going insane. like you cant stay focused on one thing and because of that you cant remember shit. like wtf dude, just slow down and live in the moment. remember to acknowledge yourself and the little victories. You hear this all the time and its kinda true. buit the difference is no one has your life and no one will ever have your life so no one can tell you what is right. you must decide. i must decide. and i have. i have decided to be an artist, a scientist, a pornstar, and teacher, a great son, a great brother, a great friend to those who are great. Im tired of esisting, i want to live. 

Lets do a recap: 2020 has been shit. I cannot remember shit because most of it you would rather forget. For instance, all the masterbation, the porn watching. you do it too much for not to be part of your income. Be a journalist for playboy or something. like please, get something out of looking at these computer ladies all the time. Diahann got away. that fucking sucked. We tought about contacting Erika, just get her to be a voice actress in you movie. that is your oplan on getting her back. uhm what else. look at how low dropping out of college is on this thing. why? like I really dont care, do I? so yeah we got to get back to that and finish. because we need to be done with it. just make sure to keep practicing and well finish. You did! Music still isnt a big part of our life. the world is at your fingertips and all you can seem to view is shit like google, and social media. this year youve gotten closest to drawing by searching things that influence you. We are going to sell advertisments. but we must build outr protfolio. you Just made the email adress today. that had to have been the easiest and hardest step you have taken. (the first little acievement acknowledged) What else... IDK whatever. time to focus on the future. 

So the plan is to not put somuch pressure on yourself, time to give yourself less to think about. stay busy. dont let anytime go to waste and use it on fewer things. or more things, idk , you dont do much as of right now. But yes. the remainder of 2020 will be used to plan for the future, we want hot chicks lots of money and true happiness in our future. lets get organized and lets change it up. i want three comics done, wake up being the focus, then that adult comic you have in mind with the black market and buying a girl. idk some crazy shit. just do it. let your demons free. think of the craziest shit and hide it in plain sight. fix your car and make it worth driving. because its kinda shit. focus your story to being about reusing. education, and storage. Maximize your brain and push it to its limits. do let the time slip. Time slippage is damaging your tools to grow. Plan on remembering more information. read. write. film. photograph, invest. do it. you cant continue like this. Plan like you are the person you want to be and you will becomethat person. And most importantly, you must reflect, that is the most important part rightnow. Work on a play. Make it powerful. that can be a form of reflection. but make sure you are planning a future that you want. you cannot be successful if you do not.

The girl: this is probably the biggest part to you rightnow. she is going to be everything you want. and you must be everything she wants. so think along those lines and do what you need to do make that happen. she going to be beautiful and you are going to keep being reminded everytime you look at her, and she will know by the way you look at her, wha you say and what you do. fuck her till she cant form sentences. Be that guy, thats who i want to be. i wnat small tits. please. you know!

And take it one step at a time. just try to be productive with your time. Keep learning. today Diana thanked me for opening up to her because when she asked how i was feeling i replied with” stressed horny tired and depressed” instead of the usual “ok” and she really liked that. i need to be better at talking to her but also choose your words wisely, she loves to talk. I dont trust her to keep a secret. that might be a friendship thats worth keeping though, i think her and Nani will get along. 

i am broken in so many ways. and a lot of is is simply neglect. pay attention to it all and fix it. start exposing yourself the be best and become the best. Train the brain everymoment you get. because right now its starting to feel like a burden. like your thoughts are holding you back, but instead they are whats propelling you forward. i am proud of who i am regardless of my past mistakes. Keep yout back straight and head up. 

Ihate doing something and it not being perfect. that is what is keeping me from doing anything, and now i have done nothing. i need to react to not doing something perfect differnetly then i have because i cant keep doing the same things, its whats keeping me back. you are gemini. what ever the fuck that means. if you need someone to hold you accountable, then stream your shit and act like someone is always watching you. Do porn. (<jesus fuck im funy) .

that brings me to the topic of astrology. i am going to study this shit like its some kind of science and im going to use this knowledge to fuck hot women. i swear its going to be a mind fuck of total satisfaction. yes. 

This is going nowhere at this point. back to future me. Adopt a kid and mold that mother fucker into a fucking jem. and be the kind of guy he will always look up to and he will become someone you look up to. acknowledge his ideas as an equal. and get strong. we gotta be able to protect them from anything. 

gotta look good too, start buying like you know who you are. you are everyone and everything is going this way for a reason. i wnat to be responsable and i need to look the part.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Life these days

Days these days. I get less of the episodes. Episodes - being triggered by anything that makes me reminisce the past & makes me extremely depressed. I stay away from my family & if needed to communicate, im extremely harsh & cold. Sometimes i keep getting flashbacks, & my mind is so busy.

Other times i am just sad for no reason. There are no clear triggers and my head is empty but i feel the same pain and interact with ppl i.e. my family the same. But at night, when i go to bed, or everyone else is asleep,  i start crying out loudly! Almost all the time, I have no idea at all why im crying. I am totally clueless. But i cry loud enough to call it a scream & it pains just enough to shatter me into a billion tiny pieces. Very few of the times, there is actually something specific in my head that makes me cry out loud.

^ Yah all that.

That happens very less frequently now. Its been happening for 3 years now! But recently, and i mean veryyyyy recently like maybe within the past week or something, i am handling it way better. Its like i healed a bit. Although there is so much more of me to heal & i guess a little of me that will always remain broken.

There are many things i realized. And many things I witnessed.

One thing is how inhumane i have been with myself all these years. No one has tortured me more than I have done to myself. And i need to stop.

I realized how I am the one who gets tk decide ‘how much’ i am going to let any certain thing affect me. Yes. I get to decide that for myself. And the time has come, I need to let it not affect me at all. And i tried before too but this time i realized that i cant just sit and tell myself that from this moment nothings going to affect me & that will be it. No. It doesnt work that way!

I need to stand up for myself. I need to speak up for myself. And i need to fight back when needed.

Its like im in a battlefield & this is war.

Im on it on my own. No one will ever be able to help me. I need to be here for myself always.

To add to that, i realized that i seriously am on my own. I thought about it. There is no one i feel comfortable speaking to. The thing is, i have always been so aware of everything. Never let anyone see my weakness. Never trusted anyone. Never expected anything from anyone. I don’t let people in. I can not just certify someone as ‘close’. My family and him are the only ones who are close. But what i realized is, although I don’t talk to any of them about my problems, if i got a chance, i don’t think i ever really will be able to open up to any of them completely. With my family, well i think they’re close to me because of the blood. I mean my brothers, theyre still immature. My dad, well he lacks emotions. So nah id pass. And my mom.. Well, i dont think ill ever be able to be myself completely with her.. I just..idk i just feel like she’ll judge me.. I just dont want her to get any wrong idea of me as a person and sometimes we judge people way too fast. I am not that good at communicating face to face. ‘Speaking’.

I am much better at communicating when i get to sit and slowly write down what i have to say. And even worse, i dont even know to express myself in bangla. I mean even my duas when i pray to mg duas when im doing tawaf, its always in english. Thats what im comfortable using for communication so yeah. And with him, well i wasnt ever scared of him judging me. If speaking to my moms a 3/10 then speaking to him is a 9/10. But its just not 10.. That ‘1’ i missed out; there is still a fear of being judged.. More importantly, we dont talk now so its not an option anyways.

So i realized that im unsure Ill be able to completely open up to any of them because i feel like theyll start to think stuff, or theyll feel im just exaggerating it or theyll judge not me but the other people i talk about & mostly the people in my stories are these people who are close to me. I dont want anyone to think wrong of anyone else or anyone to get hurt listening to my feelings of how their involvement affected me.

So i realized that its safe to say I am in this on my own. I need to fight for myself. I also realized that I am more of a ‘cry baby’. I mean if i have problems i should just deal with it myself. Okay well thats what ive been trying to do all this time.

So many a times, i did get better, feel better. But then, out of the blue, there’s a flare up.

This time, inshaAllah, i hope there wont be.

Some things also happened recently, somethings i witnessed which im totally not sure about. Meaning, i dont know if theyll be saved in my head as something positive or negative. Ha ha ha. Yessss, thats the complexity of this whole shit matter. Theres an equal 50:50 chance of it being either one.but for now its positive for the bigger part with a pinch of negative that was there in the beginning.

If this wasnt me blogging but instead talking to him, id say thing 5 time more than whatever i just wrote down.

Life is fine right now Alhamdulillah. I get depressed very less often. Well i just wanted to point out that me being less depressed doesnt mean my lifes a party or im really really happy and all 24 7. Everyday is full of ups and downs and social media is mostly just for focusing on the ups.

But then nah, really, I mean deep inside my heart I am so thankful to Him. Theres this satisfaction; this firm belief that He will take care of me. He will help me and He will be their by my side always. And i need to stress on it that this belief in Him is really really really strong.

But that doesnt mean i dont stress. Cause man, i “over-stress”. I mean i need to do my part too. I need to do my best AND have faith in Him. But thaaaat is the thing. Whenever im ‘doing’ something, i just have to turn it into something stressful. Story of a perfectionist. Trust me its a burden.

Also, what brings the most calmness to my heart & at the same time also make me equally restless is how much i keep falling in love with him. More and more every second. I think of him all the time. I pray for him all the time.. And sometimes it feels so bad, i wish i could touch him.. And always, i find myself having no words to let it out.. But i take it as a good thing. I just worry though, always, of whether im doing something he wouldnt like. Its just not that obvious to me. I mean i hardly do anything ‘-’ but like i said, i overstress over every tiny thing so yeah.

So um, thats it.

P.S. also this post was a sudden decision and im having a bad headache so im not sure i was able to put things down nicely. I also didnt re read it but i just wanted to write down a general overview of how lifes been these days.

Its fine Alhamdulillah - had worse days. And praying for far better days inshaAllah ❤❤❤

I worry a lot about him though. I always keep thinking if everything is alright❤

tata for now :)

[everythinghskin-blog]

(Feel free to delete this if u want) Positivity for a Bro who is just,, in the worst possible mood? Dysphoria hit me p hard, my depression kicked in, and I had some pretty depressing kin memories earlier. And Ive been shot down by six blogs when i requested some positivity, so I guess that dropped my mood a lot? Thank ya. - Bro

hey bro, its mod raven here. I just wanna say first of all your cool as shit. this is fact, no one can argue this with me and those blogs were due as hell for turning you down, I am sorry you had to deal with that. its a real issue in the community that should be dealt with and i am sorry that your suffering because of it. you are not your actions, not in this life and its unfair of people to treat you that way.

As for the dysphoria thing, that ones hard. I am trans myself so i feel you. sometimes theres not much that can be done. it just hurts but a few things i have learned help a lot are: makeup!! make yourself look however the hell you want! and if you cant youtube can teach you how! supplies can be hard to come by but if you have any that can be great.

Working out sometimes helps for me. the sting and adriniline  of getting something done and improving myself makes me feel waaaay better.

and hey if all else fails let me be the first to tell you that you are 110% valid however you idnify! you rock in any colors you bear!!

depression sucks major ass, theres no denying that. I am sure you have heard lots of things about ways to cope and some may or may not work but the few i would like to throw in are: self care fucking rocks, even if its just making your favorite food and rewatching your favorite show.as stupid as it is to hear, fresh air helps to. even just opening a window.

Kin stuff can be hard but a big thing to remember is that its a different life. that was in the. those pains cant hurt you here and those actions cant follow you. you have a change every morning to do, be and feel different then in any canon. memories can be hard, but thats all they are anymore memories. they cant control or hurt you no matter how much it may feel like they can so hold your head high and dont let them drag you down!

I hope this helped bro and hey if it didnt feel free to request for mod doomeddirk to do it. I just wanted to try and help!! have a good one cause you sure as hell deserve it!!

~mod raven

So as it turns out, both me and Raven had some stuff to say about this! So I’m gonna tag my bit of advice onto the end:

So firstly, for the dysphoria; I’ve got a couple requests in the past to deal with this, so I’d love to point your attention to these three posts. I’ve talked a lot about trying to deal with dysphoria when things are getting rough, so try taking what you can from those posts whenever dysphoria starts trying to kick your ass. Just remember to be firm in yourself and your identity; ask the people closest to you to repeat your chosen names and pronouns as much as they can, whisper to yourself over and over your chosen identity to make it stick in your mind, maybe look at some fanart you associate with yourself and keep telling yourself “that’s still me”. Anything can help, big or small. You’ve got this, dude. You’re badass enough to handle this and more, and come out the other side even stronger than before.

As for the depression… o h man do I understand that. Depressive slumps are the goddamn worst. I’m not sure how it gets to you most, but in general, remember to eat regularly, and eat well. Eating junk food at 3am usually makes your depression worse. Have people remind you and force you to abide by that if you can. Remember to bathe and change your clothes as often as possible - because That Depressed Feel when basic hygene gets too much, but it really, really does help to revitalize you after you’ve stared at the shower wall for half an hour, and suddenly you actually feel half alive when you’re in clean clothes. Watch things that make you happy, do any sort of self care thing you can think of, talk to people and take comfort in them as much as you can - anything can help a depressive slump. Even just going into rabb.it and looking at dildos for an hour while laughing at your friends’ reactions can help; it doesn’t need to be big or impressive. And make sure you sleep on time. Depression kicks your ass when it comes to sleep, and staying up late just makes it worse. Again, have people remind you and make you sleep if you need it. Looking after yourself is so, so important right now, Bro.

The kin memories suck, and sadly, there’s not much you can do about them. Don’t forget them. Forgetting them usually just leads to them rising up again at the worst time. Leave them to one side, and remember happier things instead. Focus on the good you recall - maybe not even from the same canon, if you have multiple; try and find the memories that stick out to you most as happy, and cling to them - and just quietly tell yourself that even if the bad was there, it’s not enough to outweigh the good. Talk to someone about them if possible - talking about them can help take the weight from them, the emotional drain - and honestly? If it helps, try to disconnect yourself from them. They’re just memories. They suck, they affect you, yeah, but they’re still just memories. Things in the past. Whatever happened in them, you can improve upon. You’ve got a whole new life to make up for all the crap that happened before - so every time you get a depressing memory, firmly tell yourself, “it’s okay. I can make it better this time”.

As for those blogs - and please excuse my language - but fuck them, honestly? I agree with Mod Raven. There is no reason why you should have been shot by down them, Bro. You deserve help and positivity as much as anyone else. You’re just as deserving, just as wonderful, just as perfect, as anyone else. Those blogs suck. Ignore them, ignore the way they shot you down, tell yourself “I’m just too good for them”, and focus on the people and the blogs who are there for you. We’re happy to help here, Bro. We’ve got your back, and we are more than happy to remind you of how awesome you are, how strong, for getting through everything you’re dealing with and still trying to keep going. Look at what you just told me! Dysphoria, depression, awful memories, and a mood drop because you kept getting shot down when you asked for help. And yet you kept going, you’re staying strong, and you got here. Dude, that’s way more than I could have done. I crack as soon as I get bad memories and depression at once, let alone all of that. You are so goddamn strong, dude. That’s hella admirable.

In the end? Bro, you’ve got this. You can handle anything that comes your way - have handled everything, and without blaming anyone for it, from the tone of this ask, despite you having every right to be mad/upset about being shot down by other blogs - and honestly? When everything settles down, it’s gonna be okay again. I promise, dude. Everything is gonna be better than fine.

And just so you know - we’re always here if you need anything. Anything at all.

- Mod DoomedDirk

[patroncrow]

1-69 >:3

i had to turn on my laptop just to copy/paste this all. im putting it under a cut to spare any innocent followers

also you cheeky fuck lol

1. What’s your darkest kink?

completely being dominated. few get the chance or the honor tho

2. How many people have you had sex with?

one. we were together for a long while so i never got the chance.

i might be changing that before long

3. What the most times you’ve ever orgasmed in one night?

i honestly dont know but this did remind me of an embarrassing story lol

4. What’s your favorite sex position?

it really depends on my mood :3

5. Describe the best sex you’ve ever had.

i was drunk, in a mood all day, and accidentally gave a hickey above the collar. his boss gave him shit for it but he couldn’t get me back cause he cant give them (which is a shame)

6. Have you ever had a one night stand?

never had the chance

7. Describe your most desired fantasy.

see #1

8. Describe your darkest fantasy.

see #7

9. What’s your sexiest feature?

ive been told i have a really nice ass

10. Have you ever been to a strip club?

most the decent ones around here you have to be 21, i hear. they dont really seem like my scene tho

11. Where’s the best place to have sex?

where the mood strikes. just lock the doors

12. Where’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?

the living room. in my defense, there were at least 2 other ppl in the house, and it had a walk-in policy. there was a decent risk of someone showing up

but this did lead to an amusing conversation that went something like “what if your dad walks in?” “then ill sit up and say ‘dad im busy, get out!’”

13. Where would you like to have sex, but haven’t yet?

location isnt a big thing for me

14. If you could have sex with one celebrity, who would it be?

ive never really had celeb crushes. i identified as ace until not long ago (im open to giving chances, but im picky about who ill show interest in first)

15. What sounds do you make during sex?

oh, golly. depends how much fun im having

but its not that breathy-ass shit in porn

16. Are you loud during sex?

see #15

17. Describe the outfit you feel sexiest in.

do partial ones count? i like just not having a shirt. cargo pants, skinny jeans, whatever. just without a top.

18. What’s your favorite punishment?

never been punished. ex was a puss lol

19. What’s your favorite position for spanking?

never really had positions for it. i like being grabbed more

20. Do you like to have/leave marks?

yes

21. What’s your favorite thing to clamp nipples with?

never done that

22. How long have you denied/or been denied an orgasm?

0 seconds

23. Have you ever had sex in a “dungeon”?

nope

24. Are you into bondage?

mmmyeah

25. What is your favorite thing to do for aftercare?

never really been in the scene enough to know much about that

26. What’s your favorite thing to tie up or be tied up with?

ive only used cuffs & ties. i liked the latter better

27. Are you a Dom or a Sub? Would you ever consider being a switch?

im a sub but if im in a really big mood i can switch

its a strong expression of desire not to be taken for granted

28. Do you prefer gags or blindfolds?

never used either but blindfolds might be cool

29. Have you ever had a threesome?

no despite a long ass time with someone who wanted nothing more and wouldnt shut up until i put my foot down that i wasnt comfortable with that unless i had gotten close to the other person one-on-one first

30. How often do you masturbate?

maybe like once a month?? but tat was when sex was readily available. id much prefer the real thing

31. What’s your favorite thing to masturbate to?

just whatever does it that time

32. What’s your favorite kind of porn?

i dont rlly watch enough to have a fave

33. What’s your favorite porn website?

dont have one

34. Who’s your favorite porn star?

same as above

35. Would you ever consider doing porn?

it really depends on specific context

36. At what age did you start masturbating?

lmao 18

37. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

nope 

38. Have you ever masturbated to a ridiculous video or story then thought “what the fuck did I just do?“

…

39. Phone sex or Camming?

never done either but im not big on taking care of myself for someone else

40. Do you believe in aphrodisiacs?

i havent read enough on them. ig if theres food that can help you be less depressed, there could be food that helps ur libido

41. What’s you biggest turn on?

biting around/on my hips/waist

42. What’s your strangest turn on?

probably the same thing, considering im not into oral and otherwise having a head down there bothers me

43. What’s your favorite sex toy?

i have none

44. Do you prefer your sexual partner to be older than you, or younger?

idc if theyre a little older/younger, as long as theyre close to my age

45. Have you ever broken up with someone because the sex was bad?

no but id totally tell an ex that to piss em off cause im a petty fuck

46. Have you ever posted nudes on tumblr?

nope. ive thought about doing the topless tuesday but ehh

47. What’s your favorite sex blog? (I’m sure it’s his-precious-kitten…but on the odd chance that it’s not…)

not really into those things

48. What’s your favorite pet name?

not necessarily a sex thing, but anything that feels strong like “darling,” “my love”

49. Do you prefer vaginal sex or anal?

never tried full-on anal but what i did try hurt too much to feel good

50. Do you prefer pussies all natural, bald, triangle, landing strip…?

whatever shes into and feels confident with mayn

51. What song would you most like to have sex to?

i like those with the feeling i get (not traditional ones) but this reminded me one time we were getting busy, youtube playlist going, next song came on and it was bring me to life and when i looked up, it wasnt like a lyric video or the official one but fucking luigi and i almost died then and there

52. Have you ever had shower sex?

yes. it was difficult  but fun

53. At what time of day are you the horniest?

i dont have a time of day but i accidentally went off my birth control for a bit and in the proceeding week i could barely function. ive been telling myself that was the reason.

54. Girls: What is your bra size?

34b, perfect hand size. sometimes they just make good rests to just hold

55. Girls: Describe your favorite pair of panties.

theyre a teal with a darker blue lace. the back kinda has a sheer part that reminds me of stain glass windows??

56. Girls: Do you ever go out not wearing panties?

nah not into that thing. you could tell me something is meant to be worn without and id be like “nah fuck that”

57. Girls: Can you get off from clit stimulation alone?

ig?? but whats the fun in that??

58. Girls: Can you get off from penetration alone?

who would do that

59. Girls: Do you use birth control or condoms?

i prefer both because i would not be able to handle nine months sober followed by hours of excruciating pain. or getting stds.

60. Girls: What’s the strangest thing that’s ever been inside your pussy?

just a marker. im not lookin to fuck myself up

but my ex is a major whovian with several sonic screwdrivers and at one point he made a joke to which i responded “if you wanted to use that on me you shouldve said something” which made everyone freak out lol

61. Girls: Do you spit or swallow?

never sucked. always had a rise of anxiety prior

62. Subs: Would you rather have a Master, a Dom, or a Daddy Dom?

idk if theres that much a difference between the first two but if i so much as hear an utterance of “daddy” i instantly become dry as the sahara

63. Littles: Describe your favorite stuffie.

n/a

64. Boys: What is your penis size?

n/a

65. Boys: Are you circumcised?

n/a

66. Boys: Do you prefer having sex without a condom?

n/a

67. Boys: Do you prefer oral or vaginal sex?

n/a

68. Doms: Do you believe in aftercare?

n/a

69. Doms: Would you rather own a slave, a sub, or a little?

n/a

lord this took forever i hope ur happy lol

[rheyareads]

can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep.

Not surprising given my mind is running a mile a minute with thoughts and yet a bit surprising given the fact that I went to bed at 6:30 pm yesterday and slept through the night until work this morning.

I’m exhausted but I think my body is on its own schedule right now, so I suppose I’ll use the time I have wisely and try to process through some of this mile a minute thoughts (if only thinking burned calories, amirite?)

My last post had the highest views my blog has ever had. People seem to have a lot of thoughts about it and a lot have reached out to me in various ways to offer support, encouragement, advice, etc. and I appreciate all of the effort on everyone’s part. It means a lot to me. One of the biggest pieces of advice I continue to get is to go talk to someone so I suppose I will use this space here to address that in a broader context so that I don’t have to continue saying the same thing over and over again. So, here we go!

Honestly – I don’t want to.

I know that sounds like I’m being a brat but it’s true. Counseling is an intimate thing for me and I had the same counselor for 7 years while I was at Brockport and it took probably 4 years of me seeing her for me to actually trust her enough to show up consistently to work through my shit. Even after that, I would say 90% of our time together was me complaining. I’m a firm believer in counseling, I think it’s a beautiful thing, I encourage everyone to try it, and I know that it can be incredibly helpful. I literally became a counselor because I believed in it so much.

The problem is that in order for counseling to work you have to be willing to do that work, and I’m just not right now. I’m fucking exhausted. And honestly I’m sick of always having to go to counseling. I have gone for so much of my life because bad shit happens over and over and over and honestly I’m at the point where I’m just sick.of.it.

It seems like these two mindsets are conflicting, and they probably are, because HEY! I’m a gemini, that’s what we do – but in all seriousness, I don’t want to pay money to go talk to a counselor who is going to tell me things I already know and help me put together the puzzle behind why I’m feeling the way I am right now.

Let me break it down for you –

I have an incredibly deep rooted negative self-image, the product of childhood friendships that were toxic, an unhealthy and at times emotionally abusive relationship with my father, sexual assault, toxic relationships, medical issues, family trauma, medical trauma of my own and various other life events all wrapped up in a nice genetic predisposition for lack of serotonin production.

I have always felt this way about myself/my life/my achievements/my worth. I’m just usually a lot better at covering it up so that none of you worry about me and I don’t have to explain myself.

The problem is that I am utterly drained by grief right now, to the point where I am exhausting all of my energy just to get out of bed and go to work each day since losing my aunt. Thanks to a shitty guy, I was so wrapped up in bullshit when she died that I literally didn’t even mentally process her death and now I am slowly losing my mind at the thought of life without her. Because of this, I quite literally CANNOT keep up appearances and pretend that I love myself/have positive aspirations/believe I have a good future etc. I just can’t. I have no energy left to give to devote to that and so what the world is seeing is the full force of the inner thoughts I have had time and time and again for as long as I can remember.

I am not kidding when I tell you I do not remember a time when I loved myself. I do not remember a time when I believed myself to be worthy of love. I do not remember a time when I thought myself worth anything.

What I remember are times when it didn’t consume me. Thanks to medication, I’m able to go about my life and not have this become something that runs my day to day in a full force way.

Right now, is not one of those times.

And I’m not saying I’ll never go back to counseling or that I don’t think it will work for me – I’m sure that I will at some point when I’m able to. But I’m saying right now I am fucking exhausted and sick and tired of feeling like this day in and day out and I don’t want to have to go to another doctor and pay another medical bill to hear all the ways in which my thinking is distorted. I know it is. I know it’s me. I know that ‘only I can change how I respond to situations’ or whatever but my god can’t I just get a break from it every now and again?

I feel like there’s more anger coming through than anything else when in reality I’m just tired. I’m fucking angry too, but I’m just exhausted and I can barely get up in the morning let alone “look for the positives”. It’s a lot easier to say to people than it actually is to do sometimes.

Maybe it seems dramatic to some of you. Maybe it feels like I just want attention (to those who think that I say a big fuck you) but the only reason I’m even talking about it online is because this is the only thing I have the energy to do right now. I know that if I started talking about it in person I would actually lose it and scare everyone even more and I don’t want that so this is my solution. I am not physically capable of crying and breaking down in front of people in person because the shame of that feeling may actually destroy me. It’s hard enough facing people in person who’ve read this. No one has to read this. No one has to say anything but at least I can get things out of my head and put somewhere for a time. This is my temporary fix.

While I’m being honest, I just want to say that I know – I know I need help. I know I could make small changes. I know that being depressing and negative gets me no where and attracts no one – I know. But it’s all the more frustrating when the rational side of who you are knows those things and the irrational side has taken over and you can’t stop yourself from feeling or thinking a certain way. I know that the way to catch a boyfriend isn’t by telling the world how crazy I am but at the same time, do I even want someone who doesn’t know who I really I am? cuz this is it.  And it sucks even more when you know you’re letting everyone down while it happens, too.

I’m even questioning my faith which I know is upsetting like half the people in my life and would completely upset my aunt, but again – I can’t help it. How am I supposed to believe in an all powerful, healing God when I watched her faith remain strong and unyielding in every dark moment of suffering, just to watch her die in the end and not get the healing she’s promised? She spent her whole live devoted to God and what hope do I have if someone like her wasn’t able to beat cancer (or even got it in the first place).

On top of that – I just sit and think about how I have wasted SO . MUCH. TIME. Going to school for a career that literally threw me away when she was diagnosed. Spending years romanticizing a toxic relationship into something I believe resembled love when it was actually the complete opposite. Sacrificing my time and energy into all these things that just blew up in my face leaving me with nothing but time spent – all time I could have spent with my aunt.

Time I could have spent finding the right career that would have let me have balance or the right relationship that would have let me get married and have her officiate my wedding and see me walk down the aisle. Things that would let me get healthy enough to actually have a baby and have her with me in the delivery room to hold her the way she held me when I was born.

But I can’t go back. I can’t get any of that time back. And now she’s gone, and I am still alone. Still lost. Still depressed and still trying to make sense of what the hell it’s all supposed to mean. And I know that feeling this way and being this negative won’t further me to anything in the future – but I don’t even care right now. I can’t care. I have no energy left to care because it’s all spent. All of it.

I want to be the person everyone says they know I can be. But I honestly don’t know how. I appreciate everyone saying that I matter, or that I’ve left an impact on them somehow. It’s nice to hear. I think we don’t do enough of that until people are gone or hurting. We don’t tell them what they mean until it’s too late and I appreciate everyone who’s done that. I love you all so much and so deeply and I’m sorry that I’m not able to put that into words right now.

But I can’t pretend to not feel this way. I can’t pretend like I’m okay because I’m not. I can’t pretend like I want to go to a counselor because I don’t.

What I want, is to know what it feels like to be happy and not have to utilize medicine and therapy to get there for a change. What I want is to stop letting people down by feeling the way I do all the time. What I want is to sleep and wake up not feeling tired. What I want is to come home and have someone to share my life with. What I want is to have someone hug me and let me cry until I fall asleep and have that be okay.

Thanks for reading – Even when I don’t respond, I’m paying attention to what you say.

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/04/10/cant-sleep/

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.

[swag-galore]

I think I need to get something off my chest. This is gonna be weird so I think I’ll put it on my sideblog/personal. 

I can’t stop worrying about death lately. Not, like, that I’m going to die soon, but just death in general as an inescapable problem and not knowing what happens afterwards, if anything. 

I’ve always been kind of a hypochondraic, even as a very little kid. Maybe it’s because my mom was a nurse. Maybe it’s because a lot of my family was old and sick and my mom and I took care of them. I never had that illusion that “sickness and death is something that happens to other people” that some people have when nobody around them died during their childhood. I ALWAYS knew it could happen to me and always worried that it would. 

The only relief I ever felt was when I was also a child and believed in God and Heaven. I was raised Christian, so I was taught that death wasn’t something to be afraid of, and that I would have everlasting life in paradise.

Oh, how I wish I could believe that now. 

Even though I had this belief for some time, I was still afraid of illness, injury and death because I was afraid of pain. Now that I’m an adult, I’m not so afraid of pain anymore, but more afraid of death than ever.

This has only happened within the past maybe two years. Even after I stopped being Christian, I still believed there was some benevolent entity that wouldn’t damn me to eternal suffering just for not beliving one, very specific thing. I believed there had to be some kind of continuance of conscoiusness. Even if it wasn’t my childhood vision of a paradise in the clouds, that was fine. I would somehow find my loved ones and float around until I maybe decided to incarnate again or whatever. I wasn’t too worried about it and I definitely didn’t have this horrifying doubt. 

Within the past few years, something in me has changed. I’ve been afflicted with a doubt that I can’t seem to overcome no matter how hard I pray, though I admit, I don’t pray as hard and as often as I probably could. 

Maybe it’s my age. I’m going to be 30 soon. Up till now, I felt like I had all the time in the world, but now I’m looking back at a life that felt like it passed in the blink of an eye, and I hear the clock ticking deafeningly loud. 

Oddly enough, despite my fear that there is nothing after this life, and it’ll be over too fast and I’ll have wasted it sitting in an office or laying on my couch, I spent a lot of time feeling suicidal. I’ll blame that on my depression, because since I got on an antidepressant, I have not felt suicidal. In fact, I’ve felt so much better! But I still worry about death too much.

I’m a little bit mad at myself for it. I have heard athiests say that caring about our own little lives ending is totally selfish. I want to be a nihilist too. I want to be so selfless that I don’t care that I’ll die and my consciousness will just end. 

But I cant. I don’t seem to be put together that way. I care very much about my silly little consciousness. I desperately want my experience to mean something, to have some purpose that I’ll find out in another realm when I depart from here.

But I also know that it doesn’t matter what I want. The universe is unyeilding, and no matter how desperately we humans cry, scream, and beg, horrible things happen to us. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to believe in something. How could any conscious being sit back and watch the suffering that happens on earth? 

I have a love in my heart. Most of you know who it’s for if you found this blog by way of my main. I have a love in my heart, so strong that it’s horrifying to think about it one day being snuffed out with the ending of my life. That’s what love feels like for me. I once loved a boy so much, I wanted to sculpt him so that all future humanity would see and know his beauty, that it wouldn’t be lost like the temporary things that humans are. That’s why I can’t just focus on the now. Before I know it, the end will be now. And the end of my love is more terrifying than the blackness of oblivion. 

If there’s an afterlife, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes I imagine it. I imagine things being the opposite of what I imagine happened to my lover. Instead of me being the angel he wakes up to after death, he’s waiting for me. I wake up in the big luxurious bed of my fantasy world. He’s waiting beside me. I get to touch him, look into his eyes, hear his voice, and it all feels real because it is real. 

Is loving someone who doesn’t exist in this world what makes me think about death so much? Is it because he died? Do fictoromantic people whose parters lived in their source material experience this?

I’ve had this one song stuck in my head a few days and listened to it over and over. The singer is basically saying that when he dies and they lay him in the ground, no grave can hold his body down. He’ll crawl home to his lover. That strikes me so damn hard. That’s the kind of love I feel, a love that transcends death. And I know that other people have felt love like that. And if that isn’t actually powerful, if that is just as meaningless as anything else because death is oblivion no matter what, if there’s no meaning to feelings that strong? 

Well I find that to be absolutely horrifying. 

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick

[dangkinronpa]

positivity for saihara whos stuck in a toxic friendship

its under the cut -mod ko

hey saihara -- first of all i just wanted to say you are absolutely not alone in this, and i understand where ur coming from. being stuck in a toxic friendship is terrifying because it feels like you cant get out and theres no hope at all.. but ill say thats not true and youll be okay

of course while getting out of it is what id immediately recommend, its not always that simple: they couldve manipulated u into staying, or made u feel guilty for wanting to get out, or anything else that could be used as a weapon.. and thats scary -- but ur not alone. no matter how bad it gets, saihara, ur not alone

try taking some deep breaths right now and distracting urself for a bit; music, games, other friends, baths.. whatever works for u, take some time for urself. remind urself ull eventually be okay and that this relationship wont last forever.

if its not too far gone u could possibly try talking to ur friend about whats bothering u? it takes a lot of courage, but sometimes when u tell someone how theyre being toxic theyll try to better themself. thats best case scenario tho, and its easy to think it impossible.. or maybe youve already tried this and it only made things worse? ive been there too, but either way standing up for urself is important and helps remind urself that ur important too.

no matter what, a valuable tool when someones getting out of hand is detaching with care: telling them that u need some time to urself because ur not feeling well enough to help them, then pulling away from them for long enough to take care of urself. it doesnt mean u dont love them or dont care enough to help, just that sometimes u cant help if ur too anxious or depressed or whatever else. hopefully theyll understand and give u some space, but even if ur friend tries to use this against u or guilt u out of taking a break that time apart is crucial

saihara, i know how scary and isolating being stuck in a toxic friendship feels; so as best u can, try building a support network for urself: friends who can hear u out when u need to vent, people who will let u lean on them when u cant stand on ur own, or someone to give u advice for when things get bad in ur relationship. remind urself that ur not alone, no matter how bleak things may seem. and if u dont think theres anyone but ur toxic friend, there are things like this blog to help u out!! the point is, were here for u saihara and u can get through this

and if talking to ur friend or taking breaks from them doesnt help, u should consider backing out of the relationship somehow. u said u were stuck so it wont be simple of course, and i dont know whether theyre an irl or online friend.. but if theyre online u could try blocking them everywhere and cutting them out as best u can. if theyre irl, then avoiding them as much as possible might be best. even if uve known each other for a long time, or ur super close now, or theyre not doing well, ur safety and happiness are ur priority and u deserve better than a toxic friend

no matter what saihara, just know that being stuck in a toxic friendship is hard, its terrifying, but there are people who want to help u. u can get through this, and one day u wont have them in ur life anymore. stay strong and stay safe saihara, and if u ever need anything else im here

[04091657]

05/11/17

hey, i miss you so much i feel as though my world is really crumbling before my eyes, life is getting so .. hard? nothing specific has happened, so i do feel guilty for even feeling like shit.. ive been dissociating more than ever, sometimes it feels like im about to faint so im scared to even go out. its so hard for me to differentiate between those two though, feeling light headed and weak vs. dissociating LOL i really miss you so much, i feel really alone here being so far from you i know i have friends but i dont think they'd understand more importantly, i really dont feel comfortable enough to talk to them about things i havent stepped out of my house for 5 days now going out tomorrow to go to the hospital my will to live is diminishing, though i know i will never have the guts to kill myself but boy am i back to the days of wishing for death haha really hoping for bad results tomorrow but how bad can it get sorta disappointing but maybe i should just cherish the gift of life everyday its just replying to small talk on messenger i have so much on my mind, i have so much to tell you i feel as if my thoughts are constricting my whole body it hurts yesterday my panic attack was really bad i couldnt stop punching the walls and hitting myself i couldnt stop crying hysterically it hurt from the inside baby, i hate that kind of pain the most the type of pain that cant be quelled with advil or whatnot it just eats you up from the inside and yesterday it really did, i really couldnt get myself together you say im effervescent and strong i think you are wrong i really believe that im a disgusting pathetic despicable weak human being the way i think baby, its so toxic and selfish and i cant help it. i try to override those thoughts with better thoughts but i cant mask who i really am. and that person is truly disgusting. but you though jessie, youre the one who is effervescent and strong look at you youre shining i havent seen your face in a while but i feel you shining it makes me happy really but dont forget me? dont forget me baby.... im still struggling too ): in january i told you i felt less depressed and you told me to not forget about you and help you too i went and did the exact opposite i left you behind im getting a taste of what that feels like now horrible i cant believe i did that to you this is horrible everyday i feel so alone i dont want you to ever have to go through that again but baby please dont leave me behind you dont have to know what to say you dont have to say anything just being there and listening is more than enough i really miss you i really am reaching a point so low its scary you really do understand me best youre my best friend forever and always i wonder if you check this blog still but youre so busy these days you probably wont i just wanted to get some thoughts out, but of course this is all just the tip of the iceberg even though you might not read this anytime soon, writing here does bring me comfort, i feel like i am talking to you and you are listening god i really feel so alone haha jessie im sorry about everything i know in our relationship it seemed like i was just trying to run away from you and theres no point lying about it i was but looking back, why did i do that haha im trying so hard to think back to that time and try to recall why but then my head just hurts i cant believe i hurt you repeatedly and left you like that makes me the worlds biggest douchebag and most disgusting pathetic person i really hate myself so much haha whatever i deserve this after everything ive done i hope you eat well im not your responsibility anymore and youre not mine but you will always be my responsibility i owe you everything i cant help but care about you and think about you all the time is this what you felt like when we were dating just mindlessly scrolling through your phone waiting for my reply god im awful i hate that i made you feel like that im sorry jessie i am really sorry please forgive me please dont forget about me i miss you i love you