#dex/parse

[byron-knight]

blank character bingo vs. KVP character bingo

I’m so normal about him

[aristocrating]

artists the check please gang are listening to in 2024 probably

bitty: chappell roan, and beyoncé obvs

jack: orville peck, but also probably caroline polachek bc he's a soft soul like that

shitty: st vincent, and keeps trying to get lardo to get into her too

holster: sabrina carpenter (ransom: babe whats wrong you haven't said That's That Me Espresso all day), and probably ariana grande because he's overinvested in the whole relationship drama of it all

dex: Everything Everything, who nursey keeps reminding him no one has ever heard of

nursey: allie x, dorian electra or chrissy chlapecka, depending on whether he's depressed, energized or horny

chowder: dua lipa ONLY because he saw the shark fin on the cover of Radical Optimism and then got hooked. farmer only smiled and bought them concert tickets

parse: charli xcx, and threw a Brat release party to the continued bemusement of the rest of the aces

[atlasthemayor]

WOOHOO LET'S GO POLYARTOBER DAY 1 ''Lovers''

Dex was NOT ready for what awaited in his mailbox today ALSO: Keep reading if you wanna see what the actual love letters are!! (courtesy of my best friend @aristocrating who offered to write them all without me even having thought of that)(they're all SO good)

Chowder:

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (other than nursey, ofc!)

OK THAT’S ITTTT KTHXBYE!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bitty:

Dear Dex,

You’re a real sweetheart! Thank you for always helpin’ with the baking, and for always having an open ear for the newest gossip. You take care of the Haus so well, and you always give it your all for the team. I really admire that about you!

I would bake the world into a giant pie just for you, if I could! (Sorry I’m not as much of a poet as Nursey, I suppose!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ransom & Holster:

Yooo Dex! Dexter! Sexy Dexy! PokéDex! (read alternating in mine and Holtz’s voice)

You’re the coolest fucking bro on the whole damn team, and you’re hot as FUUUUUCK! (literally hot, too! write that down, Rans! Write that down!)

If you’re ever interested in a little d-men action, a little bro-bonding quality time, then hit us up!

Ps: haus 2.0 has a room that’s pretty much just a sex dungeon, if you’re into that kind of thing (don’t scare him off Rans, jeez!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack:

Hello Dex,

I was encouraged to send you one of these, by, euh, third parties who will go unnamed. I just wanted to write to you to say that, um. Your hands are soft as hell, and you always bring it your all to the ice. You give Samwell Men’s Hockey the good name it has, and it is an honor that I got to share the locker room with you for a whole year. Euh, I mean the ice. Yeah. Take care, eh?

-JLZ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whiskey:

Yo.

You’re pretty neat.

Drop by my room sometime if you’re free, yeah?

- Connor. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farmer:

Hi Dex, sorry this is not a love letter. This is just to say to please give my boyfriend back in one piece once you’re done with him, I still need him!

Thanks xx ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Parse:

Dear Will,

Ever since I saw you at that party, I knew you were something special. How did I get your home address? Don’t worry about it. My point is: you’re really fucking hot and you should let me know the next time you’re in Vegas. I could show you around town and introduce you to some Aces, and then I could show you the Strip, if you know what I mean. Was that too corny? Whatever.

This is KVP, call me.

[number redacted] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nursey:

Dear Will,

I spy two beers and a skin fair and freckled

The bloodshot of ears and a face red-hot speckled

Two seats by the pond, and an evening with a klutz

The beat of my heart, and a churning in my guts

The holding of hands, the potential of a kiss

A golden opportunity I don’t want to miss

Your amber-brown eyes, the color of honey

The guess that I like you, right on the money

I spy a mop of hair, gingery red

And the promise of a date (if I’m not injured yet).

~ Derek ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(for the @polyamships fellas, the characters in order are William Poindexter, Chris Chow, Eric Bittle, Justin Oluransi, Adam Birkholtz, Jack Zimmermann, Connor Whisk, Caitlin Farmer, Kent Parson, and Derek Nurse) (promise I won't do these many characters so often sorryyyyyy <3<3<3)

[marcianek-talks]

Day 17 of OW!

"Have you ever created any OW characters in another game?"

Prolly the only one I'll make, lol, but I always wanted to share it eventually.

I made an invader Orlam build in DS3!

He was really challenging to do, considering DS3's notoriously unruly character creator. But while I don't think this is how Orlam would look irl, and I had to compromise or improvise with stuff like lack of proper freckles options or vibrant hair colours, I guess I'm still happy with the vibe I managed to capture? At least his hairstyle has a rat tail, albeit braided!

But that's not the end. Making cosplay builds is my fave thing to do in this game - it's fun to try making them viable in PvP, decide which class/build is most fitting, and I like how it gets me in the characters mindset. And of course, there's figuring out what they should wear to look as accurate as possible.

(...did I nail it?)

So in Orlam's case, he's wearing Wolnir's Crown, Archdeacon Holy Garb and Deserter Trousers. His main choice of weapon is a Butcher Knife, very fittingly obtained from a cannibal NPC.

He also uses daggers sometimes, but not too often. At first I wanted him to use Brigand Twindaggers or a Bandit Knife, too, to reference his OFW character, but... well. Butcher Knife is pure strength weapon, and daggers usually work better with sharp infusions for Dexterity builds. At first Orlam was a Quality build (50:50 Str/Dex distribution), but was underperforming at the level I wanted him to stay at, so I reallocated his stats to become pure Str build. Pity, since weapon infusions for Quality builds are called "Refined", and I thought it suits him so well haha. But at least now he's doing much better damage-wise, and that's good, since his clothing makes him a rather squishy target!

Gestures also need to be in character! Orlam is so delightfully theatrical and dramatic, so obviously he gets the edgiest bow of them all, the Duel Bow, as well as Welcome, Clap, Toast, and anything else that I think would suit him.

Some stories from invasions:

I find it very fitting and almost fateful that his invasion debut was in the Lothric Castle, exactly where many Pus of Man reside - aka beasts that spring out of hollow people and look like they're made of black goo...

It's really up to a chance as to whether I'll make Orlam act ruthless or benevolent... I had a situation where I invaded some guy, did "Welcome" gesture... and the guy kneeled! I dropped him some embers as a gift, too (we shared a toast as well, I believe?), Orlam let him go on his way, and promptly left his world. I just thought Orlam would be pleased to be so readily recognized as a king. It was really wholesome encounter :D

There was also a situation where I invaded a fight club at Pontiff, and some bored invader interrupted a duel, and thus Orlam sided with the Host and a few other phantoms to chase the guy. We defeated him, and returned to rule-abiding dueling, which Orlam, to my surprise (considering how many fights in a row I've already had), has won, eventually even against the Host himself, so he had a jolly toast to celebrate the victory. I have this and many others encounters recorded, and I dream that one day I'll make a proper compilation of my invasions, each themed around a specific cosplay... but I'd have to parse through like 400 gigs of recordings to do so XD

Anyway, that's about it! Overall, Orlam's incredibly fun to play as! Oh, and as a bonus...

I also have a Genzou-like build!

(he'scomingatuhe'scomingatuhe'scomingatuhe'scomingatu...HI.)

But since it was impossible for me to actually recreate Genzou's face and bodytype (you can't exactly make chubby characters in this game, ugh :/. Though, luckily, there are big armours, but yeah sadly he's just sorta bulky underneath :/), it's more like a general tribute to all the glorious friend-shaped characters that I love. (Like Genzou himself, or Imposter Byakuya from DR)

He's kind of a tank/poise based character, and surprisingly one of my most successful builds, even though poise is supposedly a joke in DS3...

[jxrmngxndr]

Deep Dive

BODY

height: 183cm / slightly over 6'

strength ★★★★★ [ strongest human, strongest flamechaser yada yada ]

dexterity ★★★☆☆ [ who needs dex when you can just flatten the field ]

health ★★★★★ [ he's a genetically modified super soldier I'm pretty sure he can't be unhealthy ]

energy ★★★☆☆ [ shockingly sedate in current era, but in past era this man was a fucking sports star prince of the school I just know his ass was annoyingly hype for everything ]

beauty ★★★★☆ [ all of the kaslanas are fuck off gorgeous and they got it from their great great great great grandmother /j get this man some brown contacts tho ]

style ★★★☆☆ [ what that tiddy window for. Also in Golden Courtyard we see that he works an office job in an orange tracksuit which is a choice. ]

hygiene ★★★★☆

SKILLS

perception ★★★★☆ [ frequently does the anime "ho?" when he notices something it's so funny. dramatic ass ]

communication ★★☆☆☆

persuasion ★★★☆☆ [ does it count as persuasion if you're just bulldozing ]

mediation ★★☆☆☆ [ the leader of the Flamechasers and. reasonable to an extent but also. glances at Second Key manga ]

literacy ★★★★☆ [ jock central, but his big villain reveal has him fucking summarizing the iliad. the type to unironically say "one must imagine sisyphus happy." ]

creativity ★☆☆☆☆ [ this man doesn't have a thought in his head that MEI didn't have first. he is doing what he is told, to the highest extreme ]

cooking ★☆☆☆☆ [ we see in Golden Courtyard that he can follow package instructions and that's it ]

tech savvy ★★★★☆

combat ★★★★★ [ regularly sent to exterminate or contain Herrschers solo. big bad final boss momence ]

survival ★★★★★ [what 50k years of being the strongest man will do to a mf ]

stealth ★★☆☆☆ [ on top of the innate cold, I think just his general presence is probably overwhelming to be around. giving him a couple stars because he can use subterfuge for like enough time to get what he wants out of an interaction (see: Seele) but then drops the act with breathtaking speed ]

street smarts ★★★★☆

seduction ★★☆☆☆ [ back in the past era I think he had that earnest friendly boy swag which was enough to rizz MEI, but I also think that was her lipbiting over his naivety a little bit. Current era. Bottom text. ]

luck ☆☆☆☆☆

handling animals ★★★☆☆ [does pardofelis count ]

pacifying children ★★★☆☆ [ does griseo count ]

MIND

intelligence ★★★★☆ [ he's no mastermind, but he's able to parse situations and put the pieces together quickly, sometimes before his opponent realizes he's done it. he gets accused of stupidity more often than he actually displays it, and it usually gets recanted ]

happiness ☆☆☆☆☆ [ I uh. I don't think he's thought about himself as something that feels that sort of emotion in. a very long time. ]

spirituality ☆☆☆☆☆

confidence ★★★★★ [ mf literally thinks he can handle it all, entirely 100% alone ]

humor ★★☆☆☆ [ we know he makes dad jokes, in summer survival rhapsody ]

anxiety ★☆☆☆☆

patience ★★★★☆

passion ★★☆☆☆ [ I think he used to be ]

nice         ☆★☆☆☆     mean [ this one's a little wibbly. in all of his appearances we don't ever see him be maliciously unkind, and people regularly comment on his kindness specifically but like. he did still do all of that. he did. he did do that. ]

brave       ★☆☆☆☆     cowardly [ sorry I think about the why do birds fly thing frequently and it makes me want to collapse on the ground sobbing I need a minute ]

pacifist     ☆☆★☆☆     violent [ heeeeeee isn't like vicious but his first reaction to a lot of situations is overwhelming displays of power like his first reaction. I can't in good conscience describe him as a nonviolent person ]

thoughtful ☆★☆☆☆    impulsive  [like. okay. yes he wanted to enact project STIGMA earlier than his fellows might have wanted, but consider also the scale of time that we're working on here. he did in fact wait thousands upon thousands of years before making specific moves, complete with regular touchbases to track the progress of other projects. ]

agreeable ☆★☆☆☆     contrary [ this one is in a similar vein as persuasion and mediation, by which I mean like. he can be told or even asked to do something it's literally so easy to get him to do something it might not even occur to him that he doesn't want to do it. but when he gets an idea in his head that he's gonna do something. he's gonna do it sob ]

idealistic   ☆☆★☆☆     pragmatic [ he thinks that the other projects are nice in theory if they work but there's such a big emphasis on if. it's almost like he's waiting for STIGMA as a foregone conclusion and hoping that someone will prove him wrong ]

frugal        ★☆☆☆☆     big spender

extrovert   ☆★☆☆☆     introvert [ previous era, he's the extrovert that adopted the introverts, but current era he's just been alone for so long that I think he's sort of. forgotten. how to be a person in general. ]

collected   ★☆☆☆☆     wild

ambitious / possessive / stubborn / jealous / decisive / perfectionist

SOCIAL

charisma ★★★★☆

empathy ★★★☆☆

generosity ★★☆☆☆

wealth ★★★☆☆

honest   ☆★☆☆☆ deceptive

leader   ☆☆★☆☆   follower [ this one is sooooooo funny to me because like he's the leader of the flamechasers he's undeniably in charge but. he's also MEI's dog on a chain and he is vocal about it ]

polite     ☆★☆☆☆  rude [ his speech patterns and his mannerisms fascinate me you would never expect him to be a boku boy ]

political ★★★★☆  indifferent [ hilariously, I think he thinks that politics in general are too granular to be important. not big picture enough ]

BELIEFS

higher power ★☆☆☆☆ [ his signet is fucking Deliverance I think after a certain point he started to think of himself as the higher power and hated it ]

fate/destiny ★☆☆☆☆

magic ★☆☆☆☆

soulmates ★★★★★ [ he is a kaslana. he literally dropped everything he was doing to become MEI's lapdog for the rest of eternity ]

good and evil ★★★★★ [ face in hands. we know that he considers two things evil, but one is unnecessary and needs to be exterminated (the Honkai) and the other is necessary and he'll go to any lengths to enact it for aforementioned extermination (project STIGMA) ]

luck ☆☆☆☆☆

PRIORITIES

family ★☆☆☆☆ [ bro needed family names explained to him, and when he understood he went "what I do isn't her problem hope that helps." keeping a single star for MEI because she was literally his everything ]

friends ★★★☆☆ [ we are explicitly told that his psyche genuinely began to break after he had to put down the Seventh Herrscher, and in Crimson Ice his treatment of Kalpas is so interesting to me ]

love ★★★★★ [ his is a love story above all else ]

home ☆☆☆☆☆

health ☆☆☆☆☆ 

praise ☆☆☆☆☆ [ he explicitly says on more than one occasion that he's fine with bearing the brunt of responsibility for any and every bad thing that happens like my guy what the fuck ]

justice ★★★★★

truth ★★★☆☆

power ★★★☆☆

fame ★★★★★ [ I think he strives for infamy and I don't think this is a good thing. he wants to be made an example of ]

wealth ☆☆☆☆☆

others' opinions ★★★☆☆ [ he understands that it is valuable to have others recognize his power and authority and the things that he's done, but I don't think he cares whether the opinion is good or bad. as long as there is a strong opinion of some kind ]

[adobe-outdesign]

now that mochi mayhem is released for realsies — can we get a review for pecharunt please?

Pecharunt has long been expected as the fourth member of the Loyal Three, which makes sense thematically—the story of momotarō involves a boy born from a peach who befriends various animals via millet dango mochi. This guy is basically just an evil momotarō except instead of being a boy it's literally the peach itself. So that's solid.

However, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not a huge fan of the actual design. I feel like it's honestly hard to understand at glance what you're looking at, and parts of the design kind of obscure the theme a bit.

Like for starters, this guy is supposed to be a peach (or a pecha fruit—note the name and the barely noticeable spots on the core body), but it doesn't really read that way. Peaches (and pecha fruit) have a very distinct shape with an indent at the top and a curved look, while this guy... just looks like a circle with a point at the bottom. It's a little more clear when the shell is open as you get the flesh and pit idea more clearly, but I still would've guessed plum over peach.

(It's also weird because the 'dex states that it has a "peach-shaped shell" which like... it really doesn't.)

What also probably doesn't help are those two... things on its head. Not even sure what they're meant to be. Leaves, I guess? They just complicate the design when open and make it harder to figure out what's going on when it's closed. (Also, I can't unsee the closed form as a pig, with the eyes being its snout and the top things being ears. That might just be a me thing though.)

When open, the inside of the shell glows a bright pink, which looks nice and contrasts with the body. However, the form is once again obscured, this time with a ponytail-like structure that makes it hard to discern the pit-like body. So you end up with a design that's cool in concept but hard to parse what's actually going on with it, and that doesn't reflect said concept as well as it could. It's not terrible, but it's not the strongest mythical design by a long shot.

also where are those chains stored exactly

[omgzineplease]

Zine, Please! Vol. 2: #SwawesomeGreetings is open for sign-ups!

Crunch-times, fun-times, more balls than you'd think, firsts, lasts, and so many moments to celebrate. 'Tis the busiest season of the year. Is your favorite character making intricate towns out of snow on The Haus lawn? Are they home for the break, having uncomfortable conversations with relatives they don't know? How about orchestrating a Friendsgiving with no less than eighteen pies when he should be studying for finals? Reigning in the new year with fireworks and dragon dances? It's all up to you in Zine, Please! Vol. 2: #SwawesomeGreetings!

While our awesome future contributors are signing up, let's give them some motivation and spark with our first poll!

What would you like to see in #SwawesomeGreetings?

Bitty and Jack celebrating Channukah in small moments around Jack's game schedule

The Haus 2.0 Crew in a Holiday Decoration War with their sworn enemies (40 y/o Denise and Thomas Williams next door with their obnoxious teenage kids and their stupid 15 feet inflatable snowman that [Holster vc] IS NOT HOA COMPLIANT, AND YOU KNOW IT DENISE!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR ENGINEER HUSBAND SET IT UP. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING, IT'S NOT EVEN HOMEMADE WE SAW IT AT COSTCO!)

SMH reunion Snowball fight!!!

Dex and Nursey kissing Chowder's cheeks under the mistletoe (Pls, I'm begging -Mod Atlas)

Your favorite Aces (yep, the two who have actually appeared in the main comic and all of the OC's you've thought up including that one guy who's 3 hockey players, 2 dogs, and one of Parse's cats in a trench coat. I think his name was something like..Shmeff?) all crowded into a kitchen cooking for thanksgiving and….oh no there's a fire on the stove… (Pls, I'm begging -Mod Tea)

Anything else you wanna see? Tell us in the reblogs!!!!

If you haven't signed up for #SwawesomeGreetings yet, sign-ups can be found here!

Hope you're all well. This is just the first poll and there's tons more fun things to come. Looking forward to hearing from you all!! -Mod Atlas 🧉 and Mod Tea 🍵

[nurseysbeanie]

Madison & More Bingo 🏖🏕🏝

Here are some of my fave (so far) fics and art from the @madisonandmore summer prompt challenge!

Well, the start of September makes it feel like summer is fading. But don't worry, fearless reader! These summery fanfics will make you feel the sun on your face, the sand under your feet, and the scent of fresh-cut grass on the breeze!

Unnameable Truth (M) @thefiveboxingwizards | vacation, less than 5000 words, one-shot

I liked that this was a less sunny/happy/vacation-y story about repression and self-discovery. The summer's not happy and carefree for everyone. But there is hope at the end of this one.

Wasteland Baby (M) @checkdeezpucks | AU, one-shot

This surprised me! Despite the premise sounding a bit incongruous with Check Please, this was a great read. Mad Max Tater/Parse was a longshot for me but you proved me wrong, op. Would definitely not be mad if we got another chapter or two of this 👀

Hot-lanta (G) @justlookfrightened | Zimbits, vacation, one-shot

I keep thinking about this one, and Bitty/Jack's meet-cute and Bitty rollerblading. And quiches. And Tater being wingman!

suddenly this summer it's clear (T) @dessertwaffles | favourite ship, a work that made me laugh, one-shot

I actually snorted out loud while reading this standing out on the sidewalk in a crowd of people while waiting for the streetcar. I have no shame. It's funny and cute, read it!

like an ice cream cone (T) @wrathofthestag | SHITTY KNIGHT!!, food or baking, one-shot

Shitty's backstory is important to me (!!!) and this was great. Discussion question: Is the origin of Shitty's porn-stache tied to the memory of a moustachioed ice cream vendor he idolizes from his youth? You tell me. It was hard to see tiny Shitty going through family problems but his au pair seems like the coolest!

amphibious creatures (T) HowOldAreWe | fave ship, mermaids, frogs 🐸 , multi-chapter

I don't generally go for mermaid AUs but this was juuuust lovely! The frogs are wonderful here, and I really liked the setup and follow-through. And I'm not going to say any more than that Chowder makes a great appearance here :)

Making My Head Spin (E) @justlookfrightened | summer camp, zimbits, multi-chapter

Turns out I like fics where Bitty makes a go of it for the NHL! Loved seeing Jack and Bitty letting down their guard and risking being hurt in this one. Super sweet and a little spicy at the end :) Nothing better than that.

Heard The Mermaids Singing (M) @checkdeezpucks | rarepair, mermaids, one-shot

This was another work that wasn't sun-drenched and happy. I loved to see the gritty, almost gothic setting; loved to see some CP femmeslash. Loved to see the teeth and the texture here. Short and... piquant.

The Way Way North (T) by @mcbangle | zimbits, SHITTY KNIGHT!!, vacation, the beach, work that made me smile, frogs, multi-chapter

I keep thinking about this one. Listen, Shitty Knight is... essential. He is the GLUE that holds together CP Year One for me, okay? I know that this fic is primarily about Bitty and his parents' relationship, and his crush on Jack, and that is all done deftly and wonderfully. But Shitty is the standout for me here. (Also I now need to see the movie this is based on.)

Eelgrass (T) by @perhapsajacket | fave ship, the beach, vacation, multi-chapter (pending)

Just a nice AU where Dex is ho-humming through his vacation until he chances upon the cute local bookshop owner (enter Nursey) who has fallen into a tidepool and needs a hand. What could be more adorable than that? I liked seeing some of Dex's family and backstory here. And I would live to see more 👀

Cowabunga (G) @zimbits-my-love | art, surfing, the beach

This is super cute art and I loved the colour scheme. I can so imagine Bitty and Jack surfing together on vacation!

This was a fun summer challenge, thanks to all the organizers! I will be updating my own work, Summer Gothic, soon with a new chapter. (Sorry, I write slow. 🐌)

[madisonandmore]

It's time to cool down with some ice cream, sweetheart! We're ready to scoop out the fourth day of works from our incredible creators!

Creators, if your work was revealed today make sure to update the published date to today so that your work will show up in the most recent Check Please works on AO3!

☀️☀️☀️☀️

Wild and beautiful and drenched in sun (art)

Featuring: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann

Summary: In which Jack is a lifeguard and start noticing the lively guy selling ice cream at the snack shack. He starts to make time to pass by and, maybe, stay over for a little.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

Hot-lanta (8,162 words)

Featuring: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann

Summary: Bitty helps Jack when he sees him suffering from heat exhaustion. Jack is smitten.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

suddenly this summer it's clear (3,774 words)

Featuring: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter

Summary: The summer before senior year, Nursey and Dex become closer than ever.

Or, Nursey and Dex's developing relationship, as told through their text messages.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

Wasteland Baby (3,668 words)

Featuring: Alexei "Tater" Mashkov/Kent "Parse" Parson

Summary: Kent pushed his foot deeper on the accelerator and kept the needle steady on the miles. The saltpan stretched before them, white and vicious. The distance shimmered mercury-sliver with heat, and beyond that the mountains loomed. There was a long way to go before night, and even then, there would be no rest till they came home.

// In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, winning the Winmuca rally is a matter of survival. Kent must team up with Tater, a handsome and unknown stranger, to have a chance at making it.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

A Sandy Situation (2,429 words)

Featuring: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann

Summary: Jack falls asleep on a beach. He's woken up by someone yelling and Jack realises that some children have buried him in the sand.

Luckily, that person offers to dig him out.

[icecreampotluck]

fic stats meme

twas tagged by @jeeyuns

rules: give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words.

SIDE NOTE: i have not published 911 fic!!!! trust me i am also mad at me for this!!!!! i am working on it!!! so instead everyone gets a look into the history on my ao3 profile that hasn't had anything updated since 2021 and my most written for fandom. (i am not going to publish anything in 911 fandom until it's fully written to avoid the unfinished fate of a lot of these works dw) but I WANT TO PARTICIPATE!!!! so here goes!!

most hits: i've tried goodbye a hundred times (not one of them true)

Check, Please! (Webcomic), Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter

The first time it happens, it’s daisies. Seven year old William watches in fascination as the flowers appear, line by line, around his wrist and up his arm. They’re just black outlines, with little yellow dots in the middle, but they fascinate him, and he watches as they grow all the way up to his elbow. And then Mitch slams his desk.

yeah i'll be real with you besties. this will probably never be updated again. which is so sad because apparently it's my work with the most hits. but i'm a polyfrogs bitch now!!!! people change!!!!! i don't even remember where the plot was going. this is not the target audience of this apology but you're the ones who get it.

second most kudos: Amy Parson Takes No Shit

Check, Please! (Webcomic), Kent "Parse" Parson/Original Character(s)

She hates this. She hates knowing that for all the talk of acceptance and anyone being able to play, it doesn’t matter. If she told the team, she can’t imagine what they’d think. And God, management would be a nightmare. She shouldn’t have to pick between hockey and being herself but she does and she’s made her choice. Someday, she’s gonna find a way to have her cake and eat it, too.

oh my god so. okay. the tag "im tired of cis bullshit" on this work is so funny. 1) the "cis bullshit" in question was genderbends which is the most 2017 discourse imaginable. 2) when i wrote that tag I identified as cis. LMAOOOOO. i thought i was being such a good ally writing this fic. and then somewhere along the way i was like "goddamm why do i relate so much to Amy's choosing to ruthlessly be herself and why am i jealous of it." and here we are. so this work holds a special place in my heart and i will finish it if it kills me and also probably rewrite the early chapters because they are SIX YEARS OLD oh my god i was FIFTEEN. they could be better, and they will be.

third most comments: all the gun fights, and the lime lights, and the holy sick divine nights

Check, Please! (Webcomic), Derek "Nursey" Nurse/Kent "Parse" Parson

Nursey rolls over in bed the morning after Epikegster, and finds himself face to face with Kent Parson. Kent is drooling, and still asleep, so Nursery takes a moment to assess the situation. Kent has all the covers and is kind of hogging whatever bed they’re in, which appears to be in a hotel room. Nursey is naked, and a quick inventory of the floor leads him to believe that most if not all of his clothing is there. He glances down at himself, and notices a not insignificant number of mouth sized bruises littering his torso. His therapist has been teaching him about not jumping to conclusions, but he’s starting to think he hooked up with Kent Parson.

you won't get it unless you Get It but this is the funniest possible rairpair. i'd love to finish this someday and fix the haphazard characterization. the plot was good as shit i just have to hope i get inspiration back after *checks notes* five years! we'll see!

fourth most bookmarks: i've got you (and you've got me)

Check, Please! (Webcomic), Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann

    He’s done it.     He’s graduated, and he’s got his degree, and he’s got an internship lined up, and he can’t wait to get on with the rest of his life.     And he’s got Jack. Oh, lordy, how could he forget Jack?     Jack who is currently waving at him from across the quad, waiting by the lake. Bitty has been saying his goodbyes to his parents, and now, he turns and heads over to him.     “Hey, you.”

yeah i don't have a lot to say about this one! it was okay! least words: would you love me less (if you knew the beds that i've been in)

Check, Please! (Webcomic), Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Kent "Parse" Parson/Jack Zimmermann

Eric Bittle, struggling baker, runner of a not so struggling premium snapchat, frequenter of the Seattle Fitness Center. Jack Zimmermann, history teacher, boyfriend of Kent Parson, frequenter of the Seattle Fitness Center. Kent Parson, part-time wedding planner, allosexual who's demisexual boyfriend has approved his porn habits but has no interest in partaking, frequenter of some blond twink's premium snapchat.

ZERO words baby!!!! that's what happens on the archive's backend when a fic is told ENTIRELY THROUGH FAKED SCREENSHOTS (and some gym membership cards)!!!!!! i wanna redo some of the things in here and also. you know. finish the entire fic. trust me it's GLORIOUS. if you click on nothing else in this post because you aren't into check please click on this and be proud of some of the edits. (not the reddit one i like. quarter assed that one rather than find a template) this is the fanwork of mine im most proud of i love it so much PLEASE ask me about it even if you haven't read check please i'll happily gush about the plot.

that is all sorry that this is literally NO wee woo content. tagging @evcndiaz @lucydonato @shitouttabuck @housewifebuck and anyone else who wants to do this!

[niennandil-me-writes]

normal small talk in a prison cell

cn: mild gore

Yorric was acutely aware that the man in the prison cell was staring at him. This wasn’t unusual, of course. A lot of prisoners stared at the guards, as if that would accomplish anything, as if they could just get them to unlock the cell. It never worked. That’s why they put magic suppressing handcuffs on them after all.

No, Yorric was used to filthy stares from prisoners. It was just that this one had a particularly nasty stare. The words “undressing with his eyes” came to his mind, though this guy rather seemed to flay him with his eyes. Dead eyes staring out of a scarred dirty face.

“What are you looking at?” Yorric huffed.

“Just imagining what it’d be like to kill you.” A dirty smile stretched on the man’s face.

Yorric let out a short laugh. “You can forget about that, caged like that.”

“Where’s Dex?”

Yorric blinked in confusion at the sudden change of topic. “What?”

“My axe,” he said, as if it were obvious. “Where is he?”

Yorric’s eyes instinctively shot to the corner left of him, where the big double-bitted axe was leaning against the wall, next to the prisoner’s armor and other possessions.

“Shouldn’t matter to you,” Yorric said. “You’ll get executed today anyway.”

The man walked forward a bit and tried to look through the bars, but from his position, he couldn’t see the corner of the room. “They’ll have to judge me first.”

“They found you covered in blood, hacking at the corpse, laughing maniacally,” Yorric huffed. “Won’t be a hard decision, if you ask me.”

The man didn’t react. The cell had a wooden bench serving as both bed and chair, but he had been standing since Yorric’s shift had started, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. He tapped his scarred fingers on his arm, like he was waiting for something, or didn’t know what to do with his hands. He was staring at Yorric again. He couldn’t tell if knowing the man’s thoughts would make him less or more nervous.

“What’s your name?” Yorric didn’t know why he had asked the question, except to fill the silence. He’d probably hear his name later anyway, or read it in a newspaper.

The prisoner seemed surprised as well. He took a moment before answering: “Teo Dagger.” He tilted his head to the side, pointing towards his possessions that he couldn’t see. “That over there is my partner Dex, who I bet would just love to meet you if we were in a less compromised situation.” He grinned again.

“Wait, hang on,” Yorric interjected before the man could continue with his threats. “That can’t be right.”

“What can’t be right?” His voice was toneless.

“That’s not your name,” the prison guard said. “I know Teo Dagger.”

The man shrugged. “It’s a common name.”

“It’s not.” Yorric shook his head. “I served under him in the military during the war.”

The man who was not Teo Dagger looked at him more intensely now. “You serve until the end?”

“Got my leg fucked – got my leg injured, so I couldn’t fight anymore. Just enough for city watch.”

“Would explain why I don’t remember you.”

Yorric rose from his chair, his jaw clenched. “You are not Teo Dagger. Teo Dagger is a good man and an upstanding soldier who always looked out for his men. That you dare besmirch his good name with your crimes is reason enough to hang you.”

“Was.”

“What?”

“He was a good man.” He left it at that.

Yorric studied the man’s face, trying to parse whether beneath all the dirt and grime and dried blood, under the scars and the unkempt beard, lay the face of the man who had calmed him down from his first and only panic attack after he had seen a close friend pulverized by a magic beam. Who had taken him aside later at the camp, and talked to him for hours, of their homes, their families, the reason they were fighting, until the sun rose and for the first time in weeks Yorric had believed he would make it home alive.

That this same man was now staring at him through the bars of a prison cell, arrested for murder... He didn’t believe that. He couldn’t.

“That’s not you. I don’t know how you heard of his name but – “

“Okay, I admit it,” the man said. “I killed Teo Dagger and took his name.”

“You didn’t.”

“Look at Dex.” The man pointed his chin to his right again, where he knew his weapon to be. “If you knew the man, you’ll recognize his axe.”

His eyes involuntarily shot to the left again. He shook his head, but stepped closer anyway. He hadn’t paid it any attention at first, but now that he did, he recognized the shape of the engravings, faded as they were. They were unmistakable. Lieutenant Dagger had shown them to him while talking about his husband, who had forged the blade for him. And there, where the head met the haft, the words in delicate handwriting: “Who you fight for: Fey. Dexter.”

He shook his head again. Heart sinking into his stomach. “How do you have his axe?”

“Like I said, I killed him.”

Yorric stepped back to the cell. “You did not!”

“His family as well.”

“Shut up!”

“His beautiful husband,” the maniac continued. “He screamed so prettily when I cut him open. The daughter got away, though. Lucky her.” That sounded almost like regret.

“Shut your fucking mouth, you bloody bastard!” Yorric stepped forward, now only a step away from the cell, fist raised.

The man seemed to ignore him. He was tilting his head as if he were listening for something. Yorric listened as well. Bells had started chiming outside, announcing the new hour.

Then the man sighed. “Okay, I admit it. That was a lie.” He lowered his voice to a whisper and motioned for him to step closer. “Wanna know what really happened?”

Yorric took one more step towards the cell, and at this very moment the prisoner reached through the bars and grabbed him. He pulled him closer until Yorric was pressed against the bars. Hands closed around his throat. He tried to fight back, but the other man was too strong, and he was quickly running out of breath. Grey eyes stared at him, suddenly seeming a lot more alive. A deep laugh droned in Yorric’s ears. Stars danced in front of his eyes, soon to be replaced by darkness.

Then, finally, first the one hand, then the other, let go, and he slumped to the ground. He heard a clinking sound, realized that the keys were gone from his belt. The world was spinning, but Yorric still managed to get up somehow, and then was knocked to the ground again when the cell door swung into him with full force.

“Would be embarrassing if you really were one of my men,” he said. “One should think I’d have taught you to not fall for obvious tricks like that.”

He walked around him and to the left. He started talking again, but the words didn’t seem to be directed at Yorric: “Yeah, I know, but they should have shown up by now, so I’m assuming they won’t be coming. Like nobody sticks to contracts anymore. Had to take care of it myself.”

There was a short pause.

“What do you mean uncharacteristic?”

“I can be smart. Usually there’s just no reason for it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Don’t be all smug about it now.”

A longer pause.

“Yeah, you’re right. I remember now...”

“No... No, I don’t think I will...”

Footsteps coming closer. Yorric had reached for his dagger. It wasn’t the best weapon against a greataxe, but he was armored, the man wasn’t. When the steps were right behind him, he wheeled around and stabbed at him. He saw a flash of grey steel. His blade didn’t meet flesh, and he only understood why when he saw his bloody arm lying on the ground. Only then the pain arrived at his brain. He screamed.

A deep laugh. The man trailed his fingers over the blade coated in Yorric’s blood. He knelt down in front of him and set the axe at his throat. “Now, Dex says we should just leave as fast as possible and leave you be. But I think we should still have enough time for some fun first. I can deal with those assholes who were supposed to get me out of here later.”

He lifted up the axe, high above his head. A deranged grin spread over his face. “Now, let’s see how much you can take, Yorric.”

[ravenwolfie97]

okay do you want to know just an isolated example of the nonsensical translation i have to go through with Poorly Translated Pokemon Green? i just found this yesterday and i'm dissecting it now

one of the trainers in Rock Tunnel mentions "Kersebuly" twice in their dialogue, and i'm like. huh that doesn't sound like any pokemon's name that i've heard of so far

but that hasn't stopped it from being a pokemon's name anyway! earlier on, in a couple different trainers' dialogue, they would mention "Chibater", which turned out to be referring to Zubat, even though the name of the pokemon in the dex is Papan

so, just like with that example, i turn to my english transcript of the game, and... i get confused. i see mentions of other pokemon, like Zubat again, Machop, and Onix. nothing rings any bells. i talk to some of the other nearby trainers and compare their ending dialogues. now i know who's lines i'm looking for, and...

guys. the word was supposed to be "cosplay".

so the full line i have is "The so-called Kersebuly is made by Pipi plaything and the alike, as like as two peas" (i already know "Pipi plaything" refers to a Poke Doll, but that still didn't give me much to go off of) the english transcript says "Costume players dress up as Pokemon for fun" on that line. the word "Kersebuly" is supposed to be "cosplay"

do you see what i have to put up with and try to parse here?

[aristocrating]

me typing out Chris "Chowder" Chow/Derek "Nursey" Nurse/Kent "Parse" Parson/William "Dex" Poindexter in the pairings tag

[liberlandtv]

ℹ️ We are happy to say that 100,000 $LLD have been bridged to #Ethereum, through Polkaswap’s HASHI Bridge , and will soon be ready for trading on a major #DEX ❤️✊🚀 ➡️ https://etherscan.io/token/0x054c9d4c6f4ea4e14391addd1812106c97d05690 If you know how to parse #blockchain data, you may already know where to go.😉 #Liberland #LLD

[kaijuerotica]

why would she overlay jack's comments about him and parse over a shot of nursey and dex tho...............

[whiskeyapologist]

11k isn't a novella, right?

i'm not a saint (11347 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kent "Parse" Parson/Connor "Whiskey" Whisk Characters: Kent "Parse" Parson, Connor "Whiskey" Whisk, Denice "Foxtrot" Ford, Tony "Tango" Tangredi, Jeff "Swoops" Troy, William "Dex" Poindexter, Shitty Knight (Check Please!), Larissa "Lardo" Duan Additional Tags: popstar!kent parson, roadie!whiskey, Mention of Jack's overdose, loosely inspired by my job (in a way that doesn't violate my nda lol) Summary: KENT PARSON ANNOUNCES “I’M NOT A SAINT” WORLD TOUR Beloved entertainer and season 13 winner of American Idol Kent Parson has announced a world tour to promote his fourth studio album “In The Palm of Your Hand.” The 30 show North American leg kicks off spring 2025 in Seattle and makes stops in a number of cities, including San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Parson’s hometown of Las Vegas before concluding in Miami. Tickets are on sale now! title is from "wait, stay" by emarosa

i have an idea for a singer!kent x roadie!whiskey one shot that i fear will balloon into a novella the moment i start actually writing it