#diaryposting again

[abyssalzones]

have had some mobility issues lately due to fucking up my legs badly but god snapping one of those 4 part foldable canes into place has got to be one of the most satisfying feelings in the world. there's nothing like producing a full sized cane out of a big inner pocket in your jacket when nobody expects it. like some sort of magician with shitty legs.

[alientitty]

i think i truly live in a different reality than people who think of themselves as "making things happen." which ranges from near-delusional confidence in one's ability to bully others into submission to just your standard type-a high-achieving acquaintance who has 10 irons in the fire at any given time. but idt I've ever had an experience where I just saw something and said "I want that/to do that" and then it happened. most of the time reaching towards anything that's not in my immediate vicinity amounts to absolutely nothing at all, though sometimes I'll get a few steps in one direction before it all crumbles to dust. and it's not necessarily all depressing, especially at this current point in my life i think there are some small steps available to me that i may enjoy. but it's never because of my own willpower. it all depends on the conditions around me and acting when the time is right. and you can get good results with this method, and it does involve some perception of agency...but you can't will opportunities into existing. so anyways yeah i wonder what goes on in other people's heads who see themselves as agents. (does anyone? a lot of successful people speak passively about their own roles in it.) one of the most familiar feelings to me is that of being unbearably, unendingly trapped by forces beyond my control. so i wonder if it's possible for someone to rarely or never feel that way. and what that's like

[velvetporcelain]

dearest lover,

you are the most confusing, unintelligent male creature.

it’s like you say things to me with the intention of manipulation and lies. your actions do not match your words. it’s what i have always hated about you-

but nothing to worry about, i just know that you know you are confusing my feelings by not talking to me, and then I think???— you really are fucking limited OR you’re fucking obsessed with me and thats terrifying to you. — either way it’s cool if you didn’t want to hang just please stop sending me cryptic ass shit.

i will keep on my merry way, no man is on a pedestal in my mind, okay maybe I do have a secret lair. a place where a wild animal lives, especially a fierce or dangerous one.

the sky is a glowing pale yellow and i am left hanging on the edge of a cliff. this is why i left, and i find myself letting go to free fall up, not down. it’s okay, you don’t understand anything and i can’t hate you for that.

besides, if I didn’t have me, i would feel like a loser too.

-x

[kataninjaa]

young levar burton is so hot idec

[artemisiatridentata]

had a shit time at work and I started my period today so everything was upsetting me even more than normal but I came home and my roommate had a fire going in our woodstove and I ranted to them for a bit and then they asked if I wanted to watch a show so we did and I ate nachos and raspberry chocolate and made myself raspberry leaf/vanilla rooibos tea over the fire and now I feel so much better :’)

[toothextractions]

anyways it’s 4am and i’m feeling wild. they should really let me have non interrupted sleep for one (1) night 💔 i am going crazy ????? but it’s chill. i don’t feel tired at all but i should definitely get back to sleep. ragaghhh

[high-tidethunder]

i miss detroit red wings hockey

[omegaversereloaded]

sorryy i literally don't know you but. you're genuinely one of the best blogs on this website and you're really funny and you have incredible outfits and fun interests and good politics. & basically i think it's insane that your dating endeavors keep going like this. you genuinely just deserve better, these people are insane. ok bye ^-^ sorry if this was weird

ur so sweet tysm!!! it's really nbd im not depressed or anything just diaryposting... thinking out loud.... still trying to figure out what i want from this ^__^ but again ur so kind i will keep my head up have a splendid night :D

[wizardysseus]

i haven't done as much diaryposting lately as i used to, and for good reason, but for those of you who don't have me yapping incessantly on discord here's how things are going

coping Generally Not Well with the state of world & domestic affairs, but i have started seeing a therapist (for the first time since grad school!) and optimistic about that

recently started an ssri on the advice of my doctor. which has been overall good so far

have been better than usual about spending time with friends and family

writing pretty consistently every day, with the help of accountability partners

it's lent and i love lent ❤️ im fasting from reading fiction again

[abyssalzones]

I'm glad that transfem stan post is one of my most popular gf art posts to date. I think if we all try really hard we can firmly establish the concept into the late-term gravity falls fandom zeitgeist similarly to ford being gay. take my hand

[andhaveapleasanttomorrow]

diarypost: I have done a good job so far at reintroducing myself to society somewhat and getting used to talking to people again and having them know me but I wish I hadn't and I don't want to be here it's very scary and I wish I could undo it. this album has been out for 25 years but apparently wasn't on youtube until 3 days ago (I would've remedied this if I'd realized), so this song has no views at all

[velvetporcelain]

maybe I am an attention whore——- nah.

who defines these things? the collective mind of society? the “people?” — hmmm. i think my problem lies with in the responsibility of the collective mind. i think people who say “attention whore” are limited in movements, thought and authenticity. of course it looks like a need for attention for them.

i like moving against the grain. i am a shit worker, I don’t sell my labor well. i don’t focus on my flaws, i focus too much on taking responsibility for others flaws.

maybe i do need to shut my fucking mouth. but my energy and aura will speak louder than anything that ever comes off my tongue. like a good “go fuck yourself” — literally, like, you might feel better, you might feel more efficient and less incompetent.

in the parking lot of the gym. taking my time. too many things fading my colors.

i am not an attention whore, i am a wild woman and maybe you are just a whore for assumption, power and conformity. i live loudly and you whisper to yourselves and that makes you feel like you have made all the right choices up to that point, doesn’t it? yeah, it’s okay, i tend to do that to people, especially if they are comfortably numb.

life is good, abundant and stimulating and i plan to keep it that way—- that’s more you can say, especially when it seems like the collective mind has lost its joie de vivre due to a severe lack of attention.

-x

[fennopunk]

Perhaps some day I will actually learn in a way that sticks, that even a migraine that feels minor, is still a migraine and will always be draining...

[kataninjaa]

i wish i had mozzarella sticks so bad

[artemisiatridentata]

caught up with a good friend tonight, we’ve texted and talked on social media but this is the first time in possibly a year that we’ve actually talked on the phone, and it was so refreshing and renewing. he’s one of the smartest and most inspiring people I know — just overflowing with care for people and the planet and actually walking the talk. anyways it turns out we both just started reading The Mushroom at the End of the World: On the Possibility of Life In Capitalist Ruins by Anna Tsing and we’re going to talk again and discuss it once I’ve caught up to where he is and I am SO excited!!! :))

[localwench]

I thought this account of yours had been nuked. Was it just restored or am I misremembering?

it was nuked for probably 2 or 3 months! I begged staff to reinstate it because I diaryposted so much here… lots of my feelings and memories are buried in this blog’s archive. Luckily they did :)

I had already made a new blog (now also nuked). So I just decided to move on from using this as a main blog because 1) the notifications are a little annoying here, though I have them off, and 2) i don’t want to risk losing this one again. Less chance of it if I don’t post every unhinged thought I have on here, y’know?