#did life drawing yesterday for the first time in like 8 years and i'm feeling refreshed renewed inspired

[dealwrought]

tfw you have lovely holiday with your family in toscana

[sir-adamus]

I think that's what's been sort of bothering me about the future of Neo since yesterday. Before last episode I was still sort of on the maybe we can talk her down train (because we really hadn't seen a whole lot of her this volume), but then yesterday happened and I was like "nope. Definitely not talking this one out." And I'm not even sure if she's coming back to Remnant after this. I know none of our heroes would be okay with it after this (Which is completely valid because she literally bullied and tortured a 17 year old until she broke). So the complete ??? of Neo's future has kind of rattled me. Cuz it would really feel weird if she doesn't play a conscious part in the final two episodes, regardless of the outcome, you know? I'm not sure I'm articulating this correctly.

no worries anon, i have difficulties articulating almost everything i say so i get it

yeah with Neo it's interesting because like; they have invested a lot of time and writing into giving us her perspective, her backstory, making her a three-dimensional character that has sympathetic qualities and we can understand why she feels the way she does even when she's clearly in the wrong - we started volume 8 in her perspective as she realises she's in way over her head with Cinder, rankles at being treated like an errand girl and not an equal party in spite of their deal (which culminates in her threatening Cinder to force her to make good on her end of it because she'd been pussyfooting around on it - and Cinder responded in her usual, extremely petty way), and then we got Roman Holiday and saw the full extent of how she ended up where she did and the issues she faced with being refused autonomy. like, they clearly want us to be invested in her character and the struggles she faces even when she's being fucked up and horrible; there's layers to it, it's fiction, we can be invested in the dimensionality of a character and want to see that character in a better place while still acknowledging that they're making horrendous choices

and right after the self-destructive spiral that it's been clear she's been on since she reappeared in volume 6 reaches its culmination, forced to reckon with the fact that she's got nothing else now, which is an interesting turn for a character - "and then what?" is a trope for a reason - but before Neo can make a choice on what she's gonna be now, or strip back everything and realise what she wanted in the first place (before she settled in what was ultimately a very unhealthy dynamic with Torchwick - again, understandable why she did, because he was the only person in her life that treated her with any decency or respect for her autonomy - but she had nothing outside of that, which then led to this spiral she's in and her current actions because, like many of the characters she has a lot of parallels with, it was something to do other than grieve and process the losses), she has her autonomy ripped away from her, to be used as a puppet by the malevolent entity that is using her as a mouthpiece, forcing her to speak with a voice that isn't her own

it's "and i must scream" taken up to eleven if she's still conscious in there, and what the Cat did is horrific and violating and no one deserves it regardless, but it's worse with the context of Neo's history how she's once again being used for someone else's agenda

i could see them doing a fighting from the inside thing with her because of all that context with her, rediscovering that her original goal was to be free and fighting against the monster trying to use her (for example by summoning the Jabberwalker with her Semblance, because the Cat has her body but they don't have her mind and that's what her Semblance draws from), and that could go a lot of ways with it being enough to buy time for the heroes to defeat the Cat with her going down with them or the heroes manage to exorcise the Cat but save Neo (maybe they have to save Neo to defeat the Cat, Jaune's semblance has been used to bolster people fighting against mind control before and with the way Neo's Semblance interacts with the Ever After she could unleash some hell on the Cat as a result) - and there's a discussion there if she'd be returned to normal or if she'd be changed by the experience, furthering the analogue she's been having with Ruby's progression through this volume (the idea of Neo's body still being altered even with the Cat's influence gone, and possibly some semblance of its powers remaining could be interesting to explore)

in the event she does survive, she's still left with "and then what", and the opportunity is there for her to make better or at least different choices, because revenge wasn't satisfying and it left her empty; maybe it'll be a walking the earth thing now that she has to decompress and deal with the shit she's been repressing (and the Ever After's basically built for that), with a now begrudging respect for the heroes for saving her ass (because like, if they can defeat the Cat without killing her they probably would, they're not executioners and continuing a cycle of revenge doesn't help anybody, especially if she's in no position and has no desire to fight back anymore), maybe showing up later down the line as a sometimes ally once she finds a new reason for being. or hell maybe in the "we haven't forgiven you for what you've done and we probably won't but we'll have your back as long as you have ours" situation that Emerald is in now

like, Neo's a messy and complicated character - intentionally - and this has all been left with a messy and complicated resolution because of the Cat hijacking her before her character could really be resolved - and i guess i'm maybe being optimistic here but this show is optimistic, even though we're in the darkest hour right now the optimism is coming

but i like the idea that we're not operating on something that's rigidly black and white, all-or-nothing kinda thing. that in fighting an impossible war on the scale we're getting to, you'll find allies in those who have done unforgivable things and the point is not to forgive them (and honestly the fact that people are still conflating redemption with forgiveness when they are entirely separate things is another thing that bothers me, and i'm on record saying in the most positive version of events i don't think Neo would even be redeemed, so much as it just being a heel-face turn and leaving it at that) but to accept that they're making better choices now in the moment and that's something you can work with

anyway this got long and rambly and probably not terribly coherent, but yeah

[foxsoulcourt]

15 questions

(or the time I almost pasted a comment intended for Hunting, @roseforthethorns + Only_1_Truth's recent spicy 🌶🌶🌶 JB/Q/AT werewolf au instead of the questions to answer 👀😂)

Ty @bishybarnaby + @macontheweb for asking me to play! 💜

1. Are you named after anyone? Kind of. My mama's best friend's name was Laurie + she like the sound of it so she came up w/something similar. (Grateful my dad ix-nayed the Two Grandmother's Name idea because Patience Josephine is a l o t for one small human to shoulder.)

2. When was the last time you cried? Two nights ago during a rewatch of Madam Secretary s05 e16 The New Normal about climate change-related migrations. Before that got weepy while listening to a friend explain the complicated surgery + recovery protocol she's navigating.

3. Do you have kids? Yep, two 24 y.o. born 5 minutes apart. Very different in almost every way, currently living in two different states. Each are DeLiGhTfuL humans which makes being family a lot of fun. ~ Interestingly, this almost wasn't my story. I'm deeply grateful neither of my parents pushed marriage or kids onto my ideas for the future. I grew up knowing neither choice is for everyone, nor an indicator of a rich, full life, and well into my twenties I was utterly convinced neither were for me. ~ As life unfolded I did a shit-ton of therapy, decided to stick around this place + then later on met my person. We're well-matched in many great ways, so when things shifted inside both of us, our two came into the world. We intentionally raised + launched them aligned with our quirky values + interests which turned out to be a trickier design challenge than I anticipated. Worthy though! But, ummm, I'm STILL kinda tired, so if you choose to do the kid thing, please get more sleep than I did while you do it. Your future self will be grateful. Plus if you have ovaries, menopause is a w a y easier journey if you've been getting enough sleep beforehand. #adrenal fatigue is real

4. Do you use sarcasm? Occasionally I hint at it, but no. It makes me emotionally + physically squirm.

5. What is the first thing you notice about people? Hmmmm, intuitively I pick up how emotionally safe they are, both within themselves + how they're likely to interact with others. Next I notice what draws their eyes. Then I get curious about what they choose to wear + why. Sometimes it's the exact opposite sequence.

6. What is your eye color? Green

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Ha! Happy endings!!! CanNOT watch anything remotely scary.

8. Any special talents? After years + years of wondering WTAF, I realised I'm the human equivalent of a portable sanctuary. Not always (that would be aNnOyiNg for all involved!), but often there's something about how I listen + interact w/people that makes them feel safe enough to share something about themselves, an insight, or chitchat about A Real Thing. It happens literally a n y w h e r e. Yesterday it was w/a guy in the grocery store check out line.

9. Where were you born? Within a mile of a small beach in a formerly sleepy southern Californian town, USA; moved to the PNW when I was 12. West coast gal all the way.

10. What are your hobbies? Chopping vegetables while listening to old school jazz, reading, dinking around in the garden, going for walks to look at other people's gardens, evolving as a human being, making Mr FSC laugh so his eyes crinkle. Vague itch to pick up some sort of fabric art activities in 2023.

11. Do you have any pets? After the heart-break of nursing first one + then a second older man cat to the other side (see below), I've become an avid backyard bird watcher. This includes staring out the window at LoTs of little brown birds + talking to the neighbourhood crows.

12. What sports do you play/have you played? All my life I've been physically active, almost always outside the bounds of defined sports. In high school I swam + played on the badminton team and both were a total gas, but that was because we were a team of weirdos doing something fun together. Swimming, bike riding, hiking, sailing, skiing, dancing, walking - all of it - is for the joy of feeling my body in motion. I am so f*%ing grateful to my parents for leading by example in this way which, thankfully, I seem to have passed onto both of our kids.

13. How tall are you? 5′6" / 167 cm

14. Favorite subject in school? All of them. Seriously. I loved learning about the natural world which opened up into all.of.the.sciences. Loved learning mathematics even when it was moderately hard; stopped when it got really hard. Adored reading + writing, and then writing about what I read. Liked art + cooking + sewing (which was still taught at the time). Took Spanish + then went to Latin America to speak it. Enjoyed learning how to speak persuasively, up in front of other people. Reading this over I started laughing because it makes sense of my Uni experience! Spent a few years on a journey through most of these topics before I narrowed it down to History of Science. Which still covers almost all of them PLUS included the study of people + institutions! Grad school was focused on leadership development + how to navigate organisational change, which meant picking up organisational psychology to add into the mix.

15. Dream job? Having had s e v e r a l already + being in the 3rd act of life w/the need to make a bit more money, this is a f a s c i n a t i n g, topical + tender question. I've loved what I've done: waited tables; collaboratively created a customer service + accounting dept within a successful dot com start up within a major retailer; lay minister with teens in a queer positive church; parent; organisational change consultant. B u T, I've also experienced mental + physical exhaustion 3x. The last episode has been particularly challenging to recover from, so the question at hand is how to be moderate. I hear it's possible + have seen others achieve this goal. Recently started back up w/therapy to figure why it's been challenging for me thus far. Dream of dreams? Consultant designing + facilitating important conversations w/in organisations navigating changes in leadership styles between The Old Way + what's evolving. I'm pretty skilled at inter-generational dynamics which is a deal these days. Goal is to get paid handsomely enough for doing it part time. Stretch goal? Flesh out some scribbled notes pinned on the bulletin board >> write a couple of small square books about organisational change + Generation Flux + sTuFf.

Who else wants to play? If you're interested, @fuzzballsheltiepants, @pomponiaia, @christinefromsherwood, @anyawen, @merceyca, @leahlisabeth, @youreyestheyglow. I'm guessing any one of you will do this in 50% fewer words. 😉 Carrying forward bishy's caveat: this one is long and also personal, so feel free to nope out if you'd rather not!

Here are sweet Oscar + Mr Bingley, may they continue to rest in peace while nourishing the garden.

[dotster001]

Happy Birthday to my First Mutual and kindred cat mama, @stygianoir!

(Side note, I am definitely not awake, cause I'm like 80 years old, and it's 3 in the morning here, but I wanted you to get this right away)

Anywho, You have some new messages on that phone that Idia made for you. I've transcribed them here so you can read them.

You have 7 unheard messages. Thursday, 12 am.

"Mademoiselle Trickster, it is truly a great agony that our birthdays are separated by a mere day. Just imagining the two of us drawing our first breaths under the same star! Ah! It sends a shiver down my spine. But it matters not, for soulmates will find each other no matter what. Have you any idea how deeply you have ensnared your hunter's heart? Non, Mon ange, for if you had any idea it would make you a cruel mistress. Today on the day that you have blessed this world with your life, I fully intend to show how deeply I adore you. Be ready for me."

Thursday, 3 am.

"I just finished this game that reminded me of you, and I remembered it's your birthday today. You know how I feel about you lmao, but just thought I'd call you to say Happy Birthday since I won't be in class irl today. Ortho is gonna give you your gift at some point, so look out for him. And I know you wanted to go to a cat cafe with me to celebrate, but I programmed a vr thing that we can do in my room instead so…yeah."

Thursday, 10 am.

"I know it's your birthday, my sweet potato, but you better not be sleeping the day away. Come to Pomefiore after classes, I'd like to pamper you for your special day. I've bought your favorite colors in nail polish, and the face mask I've picked out is the best on the market. I won't let you leave until you feel relaxed and are glowing, so be prepared. I'm ready to serve your every need today, sweet potato. You only need to ask."

Thursday, 3:15 pm.

"I know we just saw each other, but I wanted to make sure my favorite puppy is having a great birthday. I'm sure you're swamped with your other admirers today, but that doesn't excuse you from coming to see me. I expect you in my office at your earliest convenience to come pick up your gift. Don't keep your master waiting, or I shall be forced to retrain you. Unless that is what you want. I'm a very giving master. The choice is yours, pup."

Thursday, 4:26 pm

"Can I speak now? (Muffled background conversation) Are you sure that's the beep she was talking about? (Muffled laughing sounds) I forgot where I was supposed to speak into it." "Right here, my Lord." (Tapping sound) "And then I press this button?"

Thursday, 4:31 pm.

"My child of man! I lost you for a moment there, and I was very worried. The woman talking on your phone did not give very clear instructions. I wanted to wish you the happiest of birthdays, my queen, and remind you that that immortality potion I offered you is ready whenever you are. I am patient, but I would like for us to be able to celebrate together for an eternity. I have left your present on your doorstep. In it, you will find my favorite necklace from my treasury, and a shiny stone that I thought you would enjoy. If you have time today, I would like to show you a new ruin I discovered. We can go there this evening, and enjoy the stars together to end your special day. Then I can do the human thing that Lilia calls 'the move' so that we can huddle close together under the stars. I'll be waiting for you, my beloved."

Friday, 8 am.

"Prefect! I heard it was your birthday tod…yesterday. In all my generosity, I am allowing you to take today off of classes.  I know, I am too kind. To thank me, I expect you in my office within the hour, so that the two of us can spend your belated day together. I shall also treat you to a sweet at that new bakery in town. I am so magnanimous. Please make sure to leave your silly friends here. I rarely get to spend time alone with you, and they are not going to ruin this for me…us. I await your visit!"

End of Final Message. Beep.

[iantimony]

time to tuesday

listening: i have been POWERING through twilight mirage. i find the first ~5 eps of any fatt season are the hardest to get through because it's familiarizing yourself with new characters, settings, vibes, etc. but once you pass that point it is fuckin rolling. i'm on episode 12 now. i think my goal is to do twilight mirage and partizan and catch up on palisade in time for that to finish lol. i think it's doable though. most seasons are about a year long. let's say 70 ep of TM and 50 ep of partizan, with rounding, and if i listen to five episodes a week that's 24 weeks, so about halfway through the palisade run, yeah? at that point there will be about 25 episodes of palisade, so another 8 weeks, etc. but i SHOULD be able to catch up in time. we'll see.

i went to a concert this past saturday for the local philarmonic and that SLAMMED. the first two pieces were soloists from local youth concerto competitions and not gonna lie these kids ruled. the first one was 14 and did a saint-saëns violin concerto and made me question everything about all my choices he was so talented. the second one was also really good but it was chopin and he's hit or miss as a composer for me, the soloist was incredible but i just. don't like chopin that much. oops. and then the final piece was dvorak #8 which made me sooo emo and nostalgic because i did that one in orch in undergrad and it rips. so it was really good.

hmm. what other music. this is funny

reading: nothing besides glancing at twilight mirage transcripts if i felt like i missed something and didn't want to scrub back haha

watching: started cowboy bebop with my so!! it's soooo good truly immaculate vibes all around. we watched up to episode 3 so starting with 4....probably tonight i think actually

making: starting a printmaking project! unpacking some shit mentally etc.

i had to set up the block three times total before i finally got the sketch reversed lmao. like i drew it out once, went wait shit i have to mirror the image, traced it onto a piece of paper to transfer it, transferred it the wrong way AGAIN, and finally got it right on the third try. lol. gonna start carving it some time this week, and i need to order a brayer and some ink...

and then life drawing from yesterday:

and finally [GIFT WARNING; BOYFRIEND DO NOT READ THIS PART] i FINALLY got the intarsia working for the scarf im making. turns out i was twisting the yarn under the work and not over it so it was like. pinching the actual knit itself. dumb. but it's good now and im gonna start ripping through it :)

started doing pottery again also!!! so stay tuned for more making on that front

misc: i finally went to urgent care last week because i was still not feeling well and wasn't getting any work done because i couldn't focus and i felt dizzy and icky and achey etc and it turns out i had an ear infection! or something like that, something in the ear/nose/throat vibe. so i got put on an antibiotic and im doing much better

experiencing the agonies otherwise but im hanging in there. tuseday again no problem right

[blouptalking]

Happiness

Shuuzou Oshimi

10 volumes (completed)

drama, horror, supernatural, vampires

TW: gore, blood, dead bodies, torture

“Nothing interesting in happening in Makoto Ozaki’s first year of high school. His life is a series of quiet humiliations: low-grade bullies, unreliable friends, and the constant frustration of his adolescent lust. But one night, a pale, thin girl knocks him to the ground in an alley and offers him a choice. Now everything is different. Daylight is searingly bright. Food tastes awful. And worse than anything is the terrible, consuming thirst. The tiny shames of his old life have been replaced by two towering horrors: the truth of what will slake his awful craving and high school itself.”

(source: Kodansha USA)

Story: 8/10

Happiness had a great beginning. The first five volumes were very exciting, however, everything collapsed with volume six. We leave volume five with a massive cliffhanger and you're like omg what's going to happen now?!? but then you get to the next chapter and there’s a weird ten years time skip out of nowhere. The whole volume six focuses on this time skip and we have the feeling to read a whole new story. There's also this new character that's being introduced, but holy shit, what a useless, boring man. Afterwards, it gets a little weird but better. The ending's not so great, but I'm not surprised. I noticed that in these types of stories it’s very difficult to create a good ending that would please the reader and answer all the questions. So I didn’t get any hopes up, it was ok-ish I’ll say. Overall the story is good but there’s a lot of missing elements and the story line feels messy.

Cast: 6/10

Not a single mentally stable person in this entire cast. I really liked the characters, they were all very interesting (aside from Sudo). Nora was supposed to be one of the main characters, but she was missing from the story and I felt the same way about Okazaki. It seems to me that the real main character was Gosho, which is weird because in the story she's just some random girl that got caught up in some vampire drama. Anyway, the cast is fine. The antagonist is more than just mean or evil, this man is straight up the devil. He has no real reason for all the awful things he did, that kind of baffled me.

Art: 10/10

Amazing, beautiful, show stopping, spectacular. The way the mangaka is able to draw the thoughts and feelings of his characters in each pages is amazing. We really can feel and see the pain and how much they struggle. The multiple references to Van Gogh's Starry Night are also amazing.

Enjoyment: 5/10

I received the first two volumes as a gift a few years ago and I finally decided to read the manga yesterday evening. I liked it so much that I ended up reading the scans, but I feel like I got my hopes up a little bit too much. Like I said, it all goes down after volume five and the end didn't satisfy me enough for me to give it more than 5/10.

Overall: 6/10

[rhizomehaunt]

eeee thanks @yellghoul ily ˙ᵕ˙

1. picrew game

my hair is getting dangerously mullet-ish in the back (but not in the good kind of way) as I'm growing it out but this is pretty close. I live in soft and oversized clothes and especially a big black hoodie my girlfriend got from working on the set of POWER BOOK II: GHOST.

2. shuffle my on repeat playlist and post the first 10 tracks

1/ Too Close, Sir Chloe

2/ Flowers (Demo), Miley Cyrus

3/ Tisched Off, Bartees Strange

4/ Freakin’ Out on the Interstate, Briston Maroney

5/ To be honest, Christine and the Queens

6/ la chute (piano), Jean-Michel Blais

7/ Rät, Penelope Scott

8/ A Place To Lie, Art School Girlfriend

9/ Younger & Dumber, Indigo De Souza

10/ After The Earthquake, Alvvays

Honestly not a terrible overview of my listening habits, but there's definitely more classical that didn't make the cut asjsfhsfj.

3. this questionnaire:

Tea, coffee, or soda?

Coffee, black, several cups a day.

Dogs or cats?

cats always and forever <3

Can you play any instrument?

I haven't played piano in years but am hoping to get a keyboard and start again! I'm shit at sight reading but used to be good at chords and playing by ear. 

What's your sun sign?

gemini (chaos)

First song lyrics that pops into your head?

And you got a lot on your mind / And your heart, it looks just like mine / There's no use in wasting your time, anymore

Do you have any tattoos?

I have three and want many more. a tattoo of a drawing I did of the chair in my grandpa's studio on my wrist, an ambiguous flower and two hands clasped by it on my upper arm, and then a big warped text piece wrapped around my entire right thigh reading the sweeteness of you carrying yesterdays feelings to tomorrow beyond what i knew before

Favorite place you've travelled?

Paris, because I took myself there for three weeks as I was breaking up with a terrible ex, amid a complete collapse of everything, and it was the first time I left the country, first time in my entire life I wasn't scraping by, and I did it alone, on my own, and just read and walked the entire time. I became friends with the local orange seller by the apartment I stayed, got asked out at the Louvre by a chef from Argentina while I drew an old man who was drawing a painting who I later spoke to in broken French (and he clasped my hand and cheered me on), made a friend at a bookstore who was writing her masters thesis on the same author I wrote my undergrad thesis on and we ended up having lunch and she gave me some of her old books, and also started talking with another solo traveler from South Korea who's a brilliant artist and musician at Musée de l'Orangerie and we wandered around and then met up for lunch the next day and are still in touch. 

What's the last movie you've watched?

The Muse

What languages do you speak?

English and some very poor French

Do you have any hobbies?

I suppose baking?? It’s hard to distinguish what’s a hobby and what’s routine. I don’t really think of anything I do as a hobby any more, but that’s probably bc I’m always trying to do a million things. 

You can hang out with one fictional character for an hour, who do you choose?

Camilla Hect, beloved. 

these are always so fun, i'm tagging @zuko and @baezel2<3

[iguessweallcrazyithinktho]

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆

Summary: you and harry dated in his early 20s but broke up after 6 months. You didn't tell him you were expecting his child out of fear. Now your son is 5 and Harry sees you with him.

𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒕, 𝒇𝒍𝒖𝒇𝒇

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅

𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒕𝒚𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒙 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒕 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕.

𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆!

5k words

--

You may seem like the perfect 27 year old. You Have a nice career as a lawyer, a nice car, you lived in a nice suburb, and you have many friends and family that love you just as much as you loved them. people thought you were on top of the world, living freely, but that was beyond the truth.

you had a little boy named Jack. He was your life – no your world. Even though he wasn't planned you were so grateful for him. And the reason why you had all these things in your life is because you wanted him to have a good life even if Harry wasn't involved.

He wasn't in jack's life by your choice. You knew it was stupid and you should've told him before Jack was born but you didn't have the guts to and still don't. You thought you could do it without him and Frankly you did. It was tough but as long as a smile was upon his sweet face you know you were doing the right thing.

--

You walked down the people filled sidewalk; it was around 2pm and you were done with work, on your way to pick up your baby Jack for preschool.

You walked onto the school property, entering the building. It was full of parents picking up their kids and teachers talking. You went straight to jack's classroom to pick him up.

As soon as you entered the room, Jack spotted you. He smiled widely and ran to you wrapping his arms around your neck seeing that you were already crouched down. "Mommy!" You laughed as you picked him. "Hi buddy, did you have a good day."

Jack looked at you, his sea green mixed with a hint of brown sparkled. He was way too identical to harry it was insane. Green eyes, curly hair, dimples, he even had his accent but it was just slightly. He was just a harry styles 2.0 and every day he grew he started to look more and more like his dad.

"Yeah! We draw, and we went to dance class. It was fun." He said giddily as he placed both of his tiny hands on your cheeks.

You chuckled, "that's nice. Okay let's go." You let him down so he could walk. The both of you walked out of the school, on your ways with your life. "We're going to go to the bakery." You said looking down at Jack briefly. He looked up at you. "Mama's going to get a muffin. What are you going to get bug?"

Jack looked up at you, "I going to get a muffin too." He stopped in front of the bakery's door waiting for you to open it. It was the bakery you both always went to due to the fact it was only a block from the school. You said 'okay' as you opened the door.

The sweet smell of baked goods filled your nose making your stomach growl; you didn't even notice you were hungry until now. You and Jack walked in and got in the short line of 3 people waiting in front of you, waiting for your turn to order.

–

Harry who was just finishing up his run decided to stop at the bakery for a snack. He stopped at the door taking out his earphones before he walked in.

It wasn't packed which was nice he thought to himself. He got right behind you in line.

at first he didn't even recognize you. He was to busy looking at the menu, but when Jack asked you a question and you responded his breath hitched in his throat. He remembered your voice like it was yesterday. Still as sweet as anything he has ever heard.

So many thoughts were running through his mind. Who was the kid you were holding onto? Were you babysitting? Or is he Yours?

Harry took a deep breath, distancing himself from his thoughts. He was going to say hi to you instead of freaking out.

It took some courage but he spoke up. "Hi." He tapped your shoulder causing you to turn around. When you saw harry your eyes widened. "Harry.... Hi." You were shocked, this couldn't be real, it was actually harry fucking styles.

"how.. how are you?" You asked. You weren't sure if you should hug him or shake his hand; you weren't expecting this.

"I'm great." Harry placed his hand on his hips looking down at Jack. "Uh who's this little guy, you're babysitting?"

In the inside you cringed at that but answered him, "uh no. He's my son." You looked down at Jack who was looking between you and Harry in confusion of who harry was.

You looked back up at Harry, his eyebrows were knitted as he tried to put everything together.

"uhh" harry looked back at you. "Uhh is he mine?" His voice was high pitched as he asked that. You hesitated, but nodded.

You can see a mixture of pain and disbelief on Harry's face. It kinda hurted seeing how he looked.

"Why didn't you tell?" Harry said looking at you then to Jack. He was starting to notice how jack looked like him. You shook your head to the side, struggling your shoulders, running your available finger over your forehead, "I.. I." As you started your sentence you felt a tug on your pants. You looked down at a pleading eye Jack. "yes Jack?" "I want muffin." He said. You nodded, peering back at Harry, "Look can we sit down and talk after I get him his muffin?"

"yeah, sure." Harry said as he swallowed. You muttered an okay, going to the counter while harry found a seat. You ordered a muffin for Jack and a coffee for yourself before going to sit with Harry who was in a Booth in the far back of the bakery. He was not trying to be seen and you understood that.

You placed Jack in the booth before you took your seat. You put on his favorite show on your phone so he can watch it while you and Harry chatted.

Harry didn't look at you, he couldn't. He went all these years without knowing he had a son; that hurt him more than anything.

"look, Harry I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was scared and I didn't know what to do."

"you didn't know what to do? Y/n you could've called, text, told gemma or my mom. You had so many opportunities, and so many ways to tell me and you didn't." Harry exhaled as he finished. Even though he was pissed his voice was soft. As much as he wanted to be mad at you, he couldn't.

You looked down at your hand on the table. "I don't know what else you want me to say other than sorry." Harry looked up at you, "I know you're sorry, and I forgive you. But it's just, will you let me be in his life now?" You looked up at him, "of course." You softly grinned at Harry before looking at Jack. He had muffin crumbs all over his face as he ate it. You Chuckle, "Jack, I want you to meet someone."

Jack looked at you. "Who?"

"well I want you to meet him." You pointed at Harry, " he's your daddy." Jack looked at you then at Harry. "Daddy?" Harry laughed, "yeah, I'm your daddy." Jack looked back at you for reassurance. You nodded, laughing yourself. Jack turned back to harry. "Hi." He said smiling, followed by a little giggle.

----

Jack and you spending the Whole day with Harry. Despite the rough start, the day went well. It didn't take Jack and Harry long to become best buddies. Harry was already telling Jack about gemma, his dad, and Anne, jack was more than ready to meet them.

The night ended with Harry leaving around 8. He made sure to tell Jack he'll be back the next day to play with him. That made Jack extremely excited and he went straight to bed after harry left.

That night as you got in bed you wondered if today was a dream. It felt like one. It wasn't though. You laid in bed staring in the darkness as you tried to comprehend it.

--

The next day you took Jack to school and you went to work. The whole day your brain was in a blur. You tried your best to focus but you couldn't. You didn't know if it's because harry was back in your life and your past feeling for him were starting to return or something else, but whatever it was was like a concrete wall in your brain

You got through your work day and went straight to pick up Jack. Of course when you picked him up he gave you a big hug and cute giggles and smiles. As you both made your way home, Jack couldn't help but ask his dad.

"is daddy coming over." You nodded, "yeah, he's coming over for dinner. Should we make some pizza?" Jack nods his head as he giggles, "yeah!"

You snickered, "well let's go put some pizza in the oven.

-

You and Jack spent the evening cleaning and getting food ready. Jack was extremely excited; he couldn't help going to the window every minute to see if harry had arrive or not. He was already so attached to Harry.

While you were in the kitchen you heard the sound of a car pull up. Not long after you heard a streak, it was Jack. "Mama, he's here!" He ran in the kitchen, he was smiling and bouncing up and down.

You smiled, "let's go open the door." Jack led the way from the kitchen to the foyer. He struggled to open the door but once he got it open there was no stopping the kid.

He ran to harry, wrapping his arms around his legs; it nearly knocked harry unbalance. Harry chuckled, running his hands over his mini me.

"hi buddy." Jack pulled away from Harry's leg. "Hi daddy." Every time harry heard that name it felt like a dream.

"can I come inside?" Harry asked Jack even though the answer was obvious yes. "Yeah." Jack took harrys hand letting him in.

As he passed you, harry winked. You chuckled as you closed the door.

-

After spending a couple of minutes with Harry it was dinner time. You three sat at your dinning room table and ate. While Jack and Harry talked, you stayed quiet. It didn't go unnoticed by Harry either.

As you were cleaning up after dinner Harry managed to slip away from Jack to see if you were okay.

"hey y/n are you ok?" You turned to him. "Yeah, I'm great." You smiled at harry as you turned back to the dishes. Harry pressed his lips into a thin line. "Okay, well I'm going to go back to playing with Jack. He's so energetic."

You laughed as harry walked off finding the little monster. They were having such a good time and that made you so happy.

--

Later that night after Jack was put to bed, harry decided to stay a little late for a chat with you. You both sat on the couch beside each other but with a little space between you both.

"how have you been?" Harry asked you. You sighed through your nose, "I've been great. Really stressed from work, but I'm perfect." Harry nodded just the slightest. "What you do for work?"

You looked at him. "I am a lawyer." As you said lawyer harry couldn't help but smile. He remembered you always talking about wanting to be a lawyer and to see that you finally fulfilled your dreams makes him happy. "That's amazing. I'm so happy for you puppet."

The nickname, god the nickname. He used to always call you that when you were dating. Hearing it made your body tingle.

"you're working so hard, I have no idea how you took care of jack by yourself." You strugged your shoulders kinda getting a little embarrassed from Harry's comment.

Harry smiled at you, "how about I take out to dinner with no Jack, so you can relax. How does that sound?"

You looked up at harry, eyebrows raised, "umm sure, yeah." Harry smiled softly, his cute little dimples showing. "Okay." He stood up. "Well I gotta going. Thank you for having me over puppet."

Your breath hitched in your throat from the name as you stood up. Harry pulled you into a tight hug. If there was one thing he was good at, it was hugs.

When he pulled away he placed a kiss on your cheek before making his way to the door. You followed. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, 7?"

"yep." Harry turned to you, "okay, see you then." With that he walked out of the house to his car.

You shut the door letting out a deep breath. He was doing something to you.

-

The next day, around 7pm you heard a knock on the door. You quickly Walked to the door opening it. On the other side stood Harry. He looked at you and his breath hitched.

You were dressed in a dainy dress with flowers on it.

(I couldn't choose which one so, here)

"hi."

Harry returned back to earth. "Hi." You chuckled. "It's not too much is it?" Harry was quick to shake his head, "no, you look beautiful." You thanked him before you ran back inside to get your bags. On the way you passed your babysitter and your very close friend. "How does he like your outfit?" She asked at a whisper.

"he likes it." She ohhed, "you might have him on your leash now. Good job." She playfully congratulated you causing you to laugh. "Well, we'll see what happens. I gotta go."

She waved goodbye and you walked to the door. Harry was still waiting their but he was talking to Jack. When he saw you, he smiled and stood up.

"hi you two." You said, slipping past Jack. Harry turned to you. "Are you ready to go?" "Yes." You responded.

"okay, well I'll see you later buddy. Gotta to take your Mama out." Jack nodded, "okay, bye." With that Jack Jack shut the door on you both. You scoffed turning to harry, "well that was rude."

Harry chuckled, "very. Now let's go. I have the perfect restaurant for us. He walked over to the passengers side opening the door for you. You grinned walking over to the car, "thank you." You got in and harry shut the door. "No problem."

---

You sat across from harry, your nose deep in the menu you were looking over. Harry had brought you to a nice Moroccan (I'm sick of saying italian) restaurant that selled some great dishes.

"do you know what you're going to get?" Harry asked as he sat his menu down. "Yeah, I'm going to get Kefta tagine." You said hoping it was correct. Harry nodded, "nice, I'm going to get Tangia."

You smiled at him, "I was going to get that but I opted out." You Chuckled lightly as you sat your menu down. "It's very good. I always get it when I come here." You raised your eyebrows, "okay."

The waitress soon came by and took your orders. When they were done Harry turned back to you. "So how have the past few years been for you? I know you had Jack but how has it been for you?" He reached over and took your hand in his. It was a simple gesture that calmed you.

"well it's been hard but I've been enjoying myself. Um I've tried going on vacations, it's always to another city but that's good enough for me. I try my best to have alone time with Jack and go to the spa and the bar, but that's about all I can do."

Harry nodded as he listened. "You're amazing and I want you to know that. And you don't have to keep beating yourself up over not telling me about Jack. I'm here now and it's been the greatest Few days of my life so don't worry about it, everything is going to be fine."

You smiled at Harry. You felt very relaxed around him, it was just the power he had.

-

You both soon after got your food and began eating. You made conversation with each other easily. Harry talking about tour and you talking about Jack. At the end of the night as you both walked to his car harry couldn't help but wrap his arms around you.

"I had a good time with you." He said looking at you. "I didn't as well. Thank you for inviting me."

You both walked to the passengers side. As you reached out to open the door harry did the same. Your hands touched and you both pulled back at the same time. "Sorry." Harry mumbled. You shook your head, "it's fine" you turned to him seeing him blushing with his hand on his face. You laughed taking his hand, "why are you so shy?" You asked.

Harry looked at you and playful frown on his face. "I'm not..... Maybe." You laughed, some how you felt like a 20 year old girl again. Harry laughed along with you. He took your other hand in his. You looked into his eyes, the ones you loved dearly. Before you could even think right you were kissing harry.

You shuttered, shivers running down your spine as you kissed his soft lips. You felt your body yearning for him like it never had before. Harry let go of your hand and cupped your cheek. It deepened the kiss for the both of you.

Harry felt your little hands tugging at his waist so you didn't lose your balance. Despite wanting to kiss him more you had to pull away for air.

Your forehead rested against his as you both caught your breath. " I've missed your lips." Harry said. "I've missed yours too." You breathed out

Harry sighed, "let's start over. Let's not worry about the pass and just focus on the future."

You opened your shut eyes looking at him. "Okay." Harry mumbled out an okay before placing a light kiss on your lips and pulling away.

The man in that used to be yours was now yours again, and damn it felt nice.

----

Okay, I'm finished, I'm proud too. feedback welcome.

@littlesoldierelleora @big-galaxy-chaos @hazgoldenstyles @tea-spillin-trash @harryisking94 @hashslingingweedslingingslasher @limitedwonder @harryspirate @distinguishednachotale @angelishpersona @captainamerica-is-bae

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

It's very draining to expect, nd met with silence, by any angle of life.

I want to always bring pleasure

But idk, I continue to be too tired that I don't feel anything..

Last month I wanted to take a full month break and just chill. "They" did payed for the expensive Internet service for once but still I had to open commissions to hopefully and eventually did to pay for groceries, and/or to treat my equally depressed siblings with burgers we first time got. They were awful c':

This month too, refused to pay it, nd me running their bank accounts for them I know that they didn't have much so I payed it yesterday. . their excuse this time? they payed the rent for the empty house next door.. yeah. The house that they rented so no one with 11 kids can live by us. Now I have to gather up for the next one soon. Nd idk.. i feel I can't put out anymore creatively while I'm just on a stressed race to do commissions and still make time to do my own work nd catch up. Like, one colored character with background alone takes me a week to finish. And I try to do my best to be fast by skip living, basically. And by the time I finish, the month was gone nd I didn't get to use the Internet for anything. So I can't see the point of paying it beside making my sibs happy.. (Also I couldn't fix my phone and the lack of notifications enforced that I'm more disconnected tbh)

I wish to be able to save the fruit of my labour for myself without feeling guilty, nd not dish it all out on one thing for an entire family of 8 ppl. Like, yeah what i gather in a month is basically nothing. So they be pressuring me to do something about it and suggest to make my art more lovable nd get more followers nd views and whatever???? While me been trying for years before hand all in secret without mentioning them keep stopping me from talking to ppl online.. nd now I see the numbers on my accounts keeps reflecting that I am indeed failing, nd nothing is working nd I'm just horrible... I don't want to tell people to do what they won't, thats why I took off that 'support me' banner, to like and reblog or follow and whatever.. I feel its only natural to do these things if u like something, or it's just my expectations again that I shouldn't be having

Remember me getting new perfume? To me, it was heaven by smell each time I spray tbh. Yeah they hate it, too. They kept rasing hek on me for using it. On the plus side, every time I came they shoo me off cuz it was suffocating them, so the arguments lessened drastically with this innocent reasoning; they can't talk to me while I'm wearing perfume, and not cuz I don't want to hear it. So naturally i wore it all the time.. sacrificing the only "love" gesture i can give and sometimes receive from them; that morning "awkward hug".. I'm more emptier than ever, tbh..

Anyway..

I'm drawing my bois now, feeling splinded peace.. the euphoria of drawing them again never hit more true.. I mean my characters (a.k.a art) are the embodiment of my aliveness. Just seeing their faces take final form fills me with happiness.. happiness that can make me forget and feel. They r not just drawings, they accompanied my life, ya know. And it's funny to me that when I made them, they were older than me, now I'm older than them. I smile remembering how I used to seeing them surround me at school, how they made diverse remarks on subjects, people and things. Or when I'm upset, act upon or say the things I can't and/or never would. Never directly to me, just.. projected from me but not necessary for me. How they only exist in the limits of my imagination, nd how I am –too– only ever been at the limits of 4 walls, we can't exist without each other. A form of expression that isn't related to me that im so grateful to have.. even if art frustrated me for 80% of the time of making, but when it works, it is an enternal regenerative source of everything one can wish of inspiration, motivation and more.. it is why i do it and wish to do more of.. god just give me those intensive feels

without it I'm probably just an expressionless statue.. I'm trying to practice nd change my zombie voice these days, actually hehe

Axel need lots more work but now let's wonder what they r up to

It's been forever that I used words and my basic human intelligence to make them, heh. I'm grateful I can spew my vent-like updates here.

I wish you ease and joy everyday my dears. Thabk you for your kindness towards Mani, all my love and prayers 🍀💛

5.4.2021 2 a.m.

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Eighteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Seventeen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Nineteen

I remember the first time I really wanted to see New York. I must have been about 12 years old and was watching a random episode of Friends that was on TV. I saw those flashes of the city between one scene and another, and I thought it was amazing, the great stone jungle.

When I turned 16, my dad gifted me with a trip to New York, not because it was my favorite place in the world, but because it was on sale. There were 10 days where the only time I stopped to rest was bedtime. We went to almost every tourist spot, took thousands of photos and it was definitely one of the best trips I've ever been on.

Now, the city that I once wanted to know and live in, like the characters in Friends, felt like a prison. I wasn't there of my own free will or for a truly irrefutable proposal. I was there out of fear and passion, the most dangerous mixture.

I believe that at some point, a few months from now, I'm going to start loving New York, but right now, I can only feel contempt.

I pass through the arrivals gate, looking at those millions of unfamiliar faces, waiting for someone. I'm looking for a sign with my name or the logo of the Hastings Agency.

I find my name in the hands of a boy a little taller than me. Dark hair and fair skin, he needs sun. In an impeccable suit, but fumbling with his cell phone and notepad.

I approach slowly, able to hear his voice, replaying a million things. He said something about waiting for me to arrive and taking me to the hotel. Something about treating me kindly and not asking questions. I stop in front of him with a sympathetic smile, watching him widen his eyes and quickly turn off his cell phone.

“Miss McGonagall, welcome to New York.” he takes my hand, squeezing it and shaking it quickly. “I'm Edward. I will be responsible for your schedule.” I can't control the smile, noticing him nervousness. In other words, he was my Noah.

“Hi! Yeah, you can call me Marnie, that's fine. I prefer, actually.”

“Oh! Of course.” his cheeks turn pink. “Well, I'll drop you off at the hotel to rest and tomorrow at 8:00 am you should be at Valentino's studio for the rehearsal of the new bag collection. At 2:45 pm you should already be at Chanel's studio, they want to take your measurements and do some color and fabric tests for the fashion show at the end of the month. Then, at 5:00 pm, you will participate in the E! podcast, and I believe that after that you will be free for the rest of the day.” he passes it on to me as we head out of the airport.

“OK!” that's all I have to say.

“Sorry if I'm being nosy, but were you the one who required a lot of work for the next two months? I mean, you have a really busy schedule. If you don't want something, I can try to help.” he flips through the calendar while we wait for a car.

“No! It's OK. I was the one who asked. I was down for a while and I need to get back to work.” I give a slight smile, debating. "Hm, was the doctor I asked for by any chance be marked?"

“Yes! Wednesday at 3pm.” he smiles proudly, making me smile too. Edward seems like a nice guy.

We got into a silver car and went to the hotel. Along the way, Edward answers a few calls, closing in on his tasks. I seize the moment and close myself in my own world. I get my cell phone, turning it on and seeing that tsunami of people looking for me. Missed calls, messages, dm on twitter and instagram, everyone looking for me, but not him.

I lock my cell phone, trying to focus my mind on the new beginning I sought for myself. I admire the city through the car window, trying to find a piece of home there. I feel the phone vibrate in my lap with Kyleen's name, but I just decline the call. In seconds, the screen lights up again and several messages come in, I believe they are hers, but I don't even bother to look. I have no courage.

The car stops in front of the Intercontinental, and just like that, Edward jumps out of the car.

“Your loft, unfortunately, is not ready yet. So you're going to have to stay here for a few days.” he explains, heading towards the reception desk.

I stand behind him, taking in the details of the hotel. Before long, I'm entering a room on the 14th floor, with a beautiful view of the city. The bags are left in the small room before the bedroom.

I smile at my new “Noah” showing that everything is perfect.

“Good! I'll let you rest for tomorrow. Anything, these are my phones.” he gives me a card. "And you can call me at any time. I live near here, I will come in a few minutes.”

“Thank you so much, Edward. You are very kind." Again, your cheeks turn pink.

As he heads for the door, I start rummaging through my bags for pajamas.

“Hm, sorry if I'm not being professional right now, but since I believe we'll be working together in the next few months, I imagine a good relationship is essential, so you can call me Eddie.”

I open an even bigger smile, seeing that Eddie was willing to make a friendship, which is perhaps the thing I need most at the moment.

“Thanks, Eddie!” he smiles and this time he walks away, leaving me alone again.

I go back to looking for a more comfortable outfit, ignoring my cell phone blinking on the table as I muted it. I grab my clothes, heading to a shower and stay there for a long time, letting the water take everything.

When I get out of the shower, I pick up the bedroom phone, dialing my mother's number, I don't want to take the risk of answering any of my cell phone calls.

"Hello?" her lost tone makes me smile weakly.

“Hi Mom!”

“Hi, my love. How are you? Marnie, what's going on? Leah came here to say you left without saying goodbye. I called Luke, but he did not answer me and Noah said something about you being to move to New York, you told me it would be just a month.” I cover the phone, not wanting her to hear my cry, letting the tears fall. "Marnie?"

“I'm sorry, Mom.” I can't control my voice and pretend it's okay.

“Honey, what's going on? You can tell me. Mom will help you.” I realize she wants to cry too, and that hurts me more.

“I needed to do this, needed to get away from him.” the revelation comes out before I can see it.

"He who? Luke? Why? I thought everything was fine.” her desperate tone returns.

“I'm sorry I can't talk.” I close my throat, holding back tears. “I just want to let you know that I arrived well and that everything is fine.”

“Fine? Marnie, just look at your voice, your condition. I saw what you did to the apartment. Honey, things aren't fine.” now she was angry.

“Mom, please just trust me. I know what I'm doing.” Do I? I clear my throat, holding back the emotion. “I just wanted to call to say I got okay. Later we'll talk.” I hang up the phone before she asks anything else.

I head to the bathroom, drying my hair. I notice that yesterday's anger is still in me as I can't face my image in the mirror, refusing to look deep into my eyes.

With dry hair, I go back to my room, thinking about taking a nap, since I haven't slept all night and even less on the flight. I close my eyes, trying to focus my thoughts on something else. I think about that taxi I saw earlier, trying to park. Or people crossing the street without looking at the sign. At the cookie shop I want to see.

I manage to evade Luke's, my mother's, John's, and Noah's voices, giving myself more and more to the sleep that finally came. Far away, I hear someone knocking hard on the door, but I ignore it, as I had the same thoughts yesterday morning. But I wake up when the pounding comes back stronger and Leah's voice enters the room.

“Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall, open this shit now before I drop it and you know I'm capable of it.” I leap out of bed, running to the door.

She can’t be here.

I open the door, revealing Leah with perhaps the worst expression I've ever seen in the world. She was furious, if not more so. As she storms into my room without waiting for an invitation, I quickly look down the hall, seeing a couple look at me startled. I smile awkwardly, closing the door.

“What are you doing here?” I question, still not understanding.

"What are you doing here? And without warning anyone. Fading in the morning. Breaking up with Luke. What the fuck was that?” she screams.

For a second, I see that my amnesia was an issue with my plan. By not remembering my friendship with everyone, I really believed that I just left and everything would be fine. I didn't imagine anyone would cross the country for me, to understand what was going on.

And if Leah did it, it's a matter of hours before someone else does. They weren't going to leave me alone, they weren't going to forget me, and they weren't going to let this story pass. I need to push them away, but I don't know how.

"Go on, Marnie. What the fuck is going on? And if you tell me it's a job offer, I swear I'll fly at you without pity or mercy, and I'll slap the truth out.” she cross her arms.

I consider the last option a lot because I know she can do it. But I won't tell her the truth, that's not an alternative. I want to believe that if I don't back off, she'll see I'm not lying and won't attack me. And even if she tries, I just run away, I'm closer to the door and there's an armchair between us.

"But it is what it is!" I shrug.

“Stop it!” she screams. “Stop lying, Marnie. Everyone. Everyone knows you're lying, so why don't you tell the truth?” she waves her hands through the air.

“Because there's no other truth, Leah. Will I have to draw it for you?” I make the same moves she does.

“Be my guest!” she sits on the couch. I sigh wearily. I haven't slept for hours, I'm angry with myself and the world and now that I thought the situation was resolved and I just had to go on with my life, she comes and messes everything up.

“Why are you here?” I stay upright.

“I do not know! It must be cause you went crazy and disappeared without saying anything. Didn't answer my calls, no one had any answers about what was going on. So I took my father's jet and came to resolve this situation and I don't leave here without an answer at least.”

In the same way I laugh at Noah, I laugh at her, thinking it will fix everything. Leah carries the same expression as her brother, neutral, mocking.

“Why did you break up with Luke?” she asks quietly.

The mention of his name makes me shiver. I notice how my stomach turns and try to ignore it. I wonder if I can subtly extract some information from his state, but I don't want her to think I still care about him.

"Cause I wasn't in the mood anymore." I shrug, walking through space.

“My God, you've actually lied better.” I glare at her. “You know you're in trouble here, I know you better than anyone. I know you are lying and that you are going through some difficult situation. I even have my theories. So you're going to have to work a lot harder to trick me or get me out of here.” she cracks a smile, feeling victorious.

"Oh do you have? What are your theories?” I mock her.

“The first is that you really freaked out with amnesia and you can't handle it. The second is that you can't handle your feelings about Luke, it happened once before. And the third is that someone put some shit in your head and made you believe that everything would be better if you were out of the way.” I feel her gaze burning into me, looking for any reaction.

I let out a laugh, not forced, nervous that she got it right. Leah raises an eyebrow.

“You really traveled on your theories. Sorry, none are right.”

As if by magic, the answer appears to me. The only way I was going to get rid of everyone and go through with the plan without a hitch was to make her hate me. Make everyone hate me, just like I did Luke.

Just considering their hate for me makes my heart ache. But I need to do this. For Luke. For the boys. It's for their success.

“You know, a few months ago you were asked to be in a movie and you didn't take it cause you said you were a terrible actress. Isn't that right?” she gets up again. “Noah told me you said you were doing this for Luke, because you loved him. Marnie, what are you trying to hide?” she comes closer.

I feel dirty because of the attitude I'm going to take. It's low, very low, but I need her to hate me.

"Look who talks about hiding." I give a cynical laugh. Leah looks at me confused. "Don't you have anything to tell too?" she still doesn't understand. “You and Kyleen?”

Hastings freezes. The bitter taste of my act starts to fill my mouth. I’m sorry, Leah. I’m so sorry.

“How do you know?” she takes a step back.

"Who do you think closed the bathroom door on Ash's birthday?" I raise my eyebrows.

“Is not the same thing.”

“It isn’t? Aren't you hiding something from all of us?” I force a smile like hers a few minutes ago.

“No! Cause I'm not pushing everyone away, I'm not telling lies. And if you asked me, I would tell you the truth. Deep down, you know why I didn't say anything. You know my dad hasn't accepted Noah yet, that this is a problem in our family, and you know he wouldn't accept me either. You know that deep down I'm trying to protect both of us.”

“Oh! Do I?” I debauchery more. Right now, I feel horrible when I see your eyes water. I'm so, so sorry.

“I know what you're trying to do and I'm not going to stage it.” she walks past me to the door.

"Didn't you want to talk? I am talking.” Leah turns to me, straining the knife I carried in my chest, letting me see her crying face.

“You're trying to make me hate you.” now I'm the one who freezes. She laughs. “See how I know you? You are very predictable, Marnie. And as much as I know of your intention, I will not allow you to reach your goal. I hope that one day, not too far away, you realize what a big shit you're doing.” she opens the door, going. “Oh, and before I forget, since it's meant to hurt. Congrats, since your little chat with Luke, he's been locked in his room, needing Michael to keep an eye on him.” so Leah slams the door and strikes the final blow.

I bite the inside of my mouth, letting the tears fall. Honestly, I didn't even have the strength to hold back anymore. The rage burning inside me gives way to pain. I imagine Luke locked in his room, lying on the bed, hating me. Hating what we had and what we thought we had.

I walk over to my suitcase, pulling out a package, with the photos I'd taken from the box and the little white box he'd given me. I open it, holding the necklace with his name on it, the one he gave me.

Even knowing what I had to do, I wouldn't get rid of this necklace, I don't have the courage. It was easier to buy an equal one and put it in his hand. What he did to me would be kept with me forever.

““Closed eyes.” he fights.

"I have my eyes closed." I rebate. “Lucas…” I chide him, when I feel his lips on the back of my neck.

“Sorry, I got distracted.” I hold back the urge to laugh. “Closed eyes.”

"If you say it one more time, you'll get hit." I threat.

"How, if you can't see me?" right now, the urge to hit him is so strong that I follow the sound of his voice, trying to kick him. “Hey! No rudeness, otherwise you'll be left without a gift.” the false authoritative tone makes me angrier. “Good girl!”

“Go!” I kicked.

I'm startled by the icy touch against my neck. It's a necklace. Eagerly, I touch the pendant, recognizing the shape. He didn't do it.

“You can open it.” his hands move to my hips, hugging me.

With my eyes open, I run my vision to my neck, finding there a necklace just like his but blue.

“Happy Birthday!” he drops a kiss on my cheek.

I hold the blue quartz, seeing Luke's name engraved on the back. I let a stupid smile spread across my face, glaring at my boyfriend with the same.

"Want to explain why we're wearing practically identical necklaces?"

“It's a little obvious. Couples wear rings and I know what a problem you have with rings.”

“It’s not a problem.” I try to defend myself.

“It's just Alzheimer's. You know, in some people, it starts before they're 70 years old.” I hit him, and he laughs, before he hugs me. "Like I was saying, I know you're not into wearing a ring, so since I already had my necklace, I thought you'd have yours. That way we'll always be close to each other's hearts.” I rest my hands on his shoulders, standing on tiptoes.

"Have I told you I love you today?" I whisper, moving closer.

“Not after 5 pm.” he pouted, looking at the clock on the wall.

I don't know how I managed to kiss him with such a stupid smile on my face.

“Why do I like you, huh?” I question, stealing a little kiss.

“Because I'm cheesy and romantic. And even if you deny it, I know you get attached to it.” he opens a victorious smile.

"Don't ever say 'get attached' again." I beg laughing.

"What is it, bae? That was awesome.” he laughs.

“No!” I scream, laughing.

"What is it, babe girl? Don't you stick to my way of get in?” he keeps teasing me.

I place my lips on yours, determined to shut your mouth and thank you that it works. My mental reminder of “we're late for dinner” evaporates when his hands reach under my shirt. I scratch the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

“We're late for dinner.” he says against my mouth as I start to unbutton his shirt.

“Just say the traffic was like hell.” I suggest kissing his neck.

Luke accepts the idea, picking me up and walking me back to the bedroom."

It's not hard to know that we were late for dinner that day. But I didn't care, I had been given a necklace with his name on it, a necklace that showed how our relationship was getting more and more serious.

I also realize that the two times I got this necklace, at least once I ended up in bed with him. In fact, in both, but only one made it to the end.

“I hate myself.” I say tiredly, going to the minibar to get anything containing alcohol that makes me forget everything.

I call the front desk for two bottles of champagne and the biggest snack they have. I pick up the small whiskey bottles, turning one after the other, as if they were shot. I shake my head, wanting the effect to start faster.

“I hate myself. Leah hates me. Kiki must hate me now too. Just like Noah and everyone else there. Everybody hates me.” I turn the last one over, shaking my head once more. “Luke hates me. Hates me too much.” I comment, hugging the pillow.

I pick up a Polaroid of ours, staring at our happiness marked there. What am I doing?

I throw my head in my hands, lost. I wonder what might happen if I crawl into bed and don't go out for the rest of the month. Probably more people will hate me, but who doesn't hate me now? I mean, just get in line.

Awakened from the thought, when someone knocks on the door. For a second, I wonder who it was, then remember I ordered room service. I walk to the door, feeling the weight of the six small bottles.

My stomach churns and I feel an overwhelming urge to vomit as I land my eyes on the redhead in front of me. Red-haired?

"Bethany?"

[allyactually]

So if you didn’t know, now you know.. I have several diagnosed mental illnesses. i’ve been through more medications and doctors than I've been through diets. yesterday (christmas eve) i went to pick up my medication because when it comes to timing, i’m top tier. While I was there I handed the pharmacist my prescription for my ADD medication and she was like “sorry, I can't fill this one. we can only fill prescriptions within 21 days of them being written” and i guess i can understand that but i’ve been walking around with this prescription for a month because i’m not really focused enough to remember to refill my meds if i’m out of my ADD meds and the pharmacist was like, “yes, but you’ll still have to get a new one” and that sucks because first of all, the fact that i’m making my meds last long enough that my next prescription expired proves that i’m not abusing them , so if anything i should be rewarded. Plus, now i have to make an appointment to see my doctor to get another prescription and i’ll have to tell her i kept getting too distracted to fill the prescription that i insisted that i needed because my ADD was making me too distracted.

but technically she already knows i’m irresponsible and have ADD so really it’ll probably just make her happier that she’s doing an excellent job diagnosing me. although she’s not really doing that great if she actually expected that i was going to fill my prescription myself within a normal time limit. i suspect it’s a test and i failed it. or she did. Maybe we did as a team. I'm not good at evaluating right now because I’m low on ADD meds… Anyways, she’s been asking me to get blood work done because we are trying to figure my entire life out and because I'm convinced I still haven’t gotten that done because the unknown absolutely terrifies me. I work in an office where I could literally draw my own blood and yet I haven't done it because who knows what’s next. I'm bad at commitment and I have 400 dreams going through my head constantly. That's why new year's resolutions have never been for me.

this is probably my last blog before the new year & i want to not write what exactly i want to accomplish next year. realistic things. personal things. I'm not setting myself up for disappointment, I'm setting myself up to change things for me and my future. People who write resolutions usually end up letting go and I think it’s because we set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. In one study 8 percent kept their resolutions. less than 25 percent followed through after 30 days, but after the 30-day mark more than 90 percent quit. you should create goals. Goals should not be rigid. Goals provide a direction to follow to achieve desired outcome. Goals involve intention setting, planning, preparing, and taking REALISTIC action. 

Goals have a line to cross and something to celebrate.

Resolutions are general intentions to do better 

Goals are time-bound.

Resolutions are all about your willpower.

Goals enable you to track your progress and see progress.

Resolutions are what you tell yourself you have to do no matter how much you don’t want to do it.

Goals give you purpose.

Resolutions hope to transform hope into habit.

Goals are quantifiable – you did, or you didn’t.

Resolutions give you a push, and goals have pull and power.

Goals allow for incremental change.

Resolutions are a promise of all or nothing.

example:

goal- i will lose 25 pounds by Christmas.

resolution- i will eat better every day.

if you lose 20-pounds instead of 25, it is still a win. You can do a little victory dance. If you’re overweight, a 20-pound loss is huge and should be celebrated.

If your resolution is to eat better and you slip one day because you ate a donut at work, you failed.

we always tend to take on these huge habit projects upon ourselves and try to squish achieving them into one year of work when the habits themselves have taken years to build. Then, when we don’t see that flat stomach, or we feel like having 200 more calories or we snap at the next person to get in our face all by January 2nd, we get discouraged and we feel flat.

The best advice I can give to be a successful goal reacher is to break down your goals. I want to write a book but first, I have to write it. i have to have a first draft, second, third, find an editor. This is more realistic than writing a book in a year. It's the very reason authors have mediocre pieces that don’t get sales. Do you want to lose 100 pounds? That's great. do i want to be 100 pounds lighter for 2022 or 100 pounds lighter for good.. anyways, i wanted to write my goals out for the year so i can look back and be proud that i can accomplish anything. ADD and all.

2022 goals

write the first draft of my book.

Read the entire bible in a year

Finish a fast

Learn to say no

Book at least 10 photoshoots

Shoot 2 weddings

Post a blog weekly

Eat 3 meals a day everyday

Stop questioning my worth

Let people love me

Complete 250 workouts and track them

Get started in nursing school.

Book 1 speaking engagement

Strengthen my photography ability

Get to 1000 followers on my blog page

Tell someone you love them everyday

Pray everyday

Pay off debt ($3000)

save $5000

Tithe consistently

Believe that even if i slip, i am not a failure,

[the-fault-in-our-regards]

I'm sorry but, 1-100!! Love your blog x

eIs a kiss considered cheating? I personally think it is. 

Have you ever faked orgasm? Sort of. oh no. 

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis or reading minds? Maybe even flying.  

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? I hope so. 

Tell us some funny drunk story. I have never been drunk!!

Why are you no longer together with your ex? He was a dick, oops. 

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?  Peacefully

What are your current goals? To truly be happy in life.

Do you like someone? I love someone o: 

Who was the last person to disappoint you? My parents. 

Do you like your body? Lol no

Can you keep a diet? I haven’t started one before. 

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Love each other conditionally, the world is going to shit. 

Do you work? Currently no. 

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh my, uhm, hm. I DON’T KNOW. POTAOES. 

Would you get a tattoo? Yea, one day maybe. 

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? Band merch.

Can you drive? Yea. 

When was the last time someone said you were beautiful? Yesterday 

What was the last thing you cried for? I cried over dogs? 

Do you keep a journal? Nope. 

Is life fun? It has it’s moments

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? I don’t mind, just don’t be obnoxious about it if you do do it.  

What’s your dream car? Haven’t thought about it. An Expensive one?

Are grades in school important? They don’t define a person, but sorta.

Describe your crush. He’s the best boy I’ve ever known and dated.

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? The Lost City of Z (Really good movie!!)

What was your last lie? “Did you go and hangout with your bf” - No

Dumbest lie you ever told? That I was doing a project with my friends but I was seeing my then boyfriend. Stupidest decision I made 3 years ago. 

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? It is for me. 

31. Something you did and you are proud of? My photography!  (http://www.instagram.com/caitlin_channn) Check it out! 

What’s your favorite cocktail? Haven’t had alcohol. 

Something you are good at? Photography! 

Do you like small kids? Depends on how they act but yes. 

How are you feeling right now? Slightly tired. 

What would you name your daughter/son? Not sure yet! 

What do you need to be happy? Self love/acceptance 

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? Myself?

What was the last gift you received? Doggos

What was the last gift you gave? A collage/drawing

What was the last concert you went to? Panic! At The Disco! 

Favorite place to shop at? Hot Topic. Oh no. 

Who inspires you? So many people? 

How old were you when you first got drunk? none

How old were you when you first got high? none

How old were you when you first had sex? 17

When was your first kiss? When I was 14, in 8th grade. 

Something you want to do until the end of this year? College decision.

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Depression.

Post a selfie. Will do! 

Who are you most comfortable around? My boyfriend.  

Name one thing that terrifies you. Life. 

What kind of books do you read? Any kind! 

What would you tell your 12 year old self? Be happy with yourself.

What is your favorite flower? EVERY FLOWER

Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails.

What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind hearted souls

What was the last thing you cried for? The Office finale. 

Is there something you don’t eat? I can eat onions but I hate them.

Some food that truly disgust you? Onions, Asparagus, liver, ew.

Are you in love? yea. 

Something you find romantic? My boyfriend. 

How long was your longest relationship? like 11 months .-.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? 1. Many girls prioritize being skinny :( 2. Makeup? 3. Honestly everything. 

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 1. They think they have a higher pain tolerance level? lol no 2. They think that periods are always the cause. 3. Some guys are dicks in general. 

What are you saving money for? Future purchases in general. 

How would you describe your bad side? Scary but pretty sad. 

Are you actually a good person? Why? I’d like to think so/selfless person

What are you living for? Myself. 

Have you ever done anything illegal? Not that I know of. 

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? I hope not, but I probably have? 

Ever sent nudes? yea, I have.

Have you ever cheated on someone? NEVER

Favorite candy? Kit kat, Hershey cookies and cream, ALL CHOCOLATE 

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

Do you play any computer games? Undertale a long time ago.  

What is your favorite game? hmm, Wii Sports. 

Favorite TV series? I have so many, oh goodness. Supernatural, Stranger Things, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, Doctor Who, Black Mirror, THE OFFICE, and many more. I have too many ;-;

Are you religious? Not really. 

Does God exist? I’m not sure? 

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Tenth of December by George Saunders, quite a good book! 

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? I don’t mind it. 

How long have you been on Tumblr? 5 years! 

Do you like Chinese food? Well I am half Chinese so yes! 

McDonalds or Subway? Vodka or whiskey? Alcohol or drugs?

Ever been out of your province/state/country? Hong Kong!

Meaning behind your blog name? The fault in our stars!

What are you scared of? Death and spiders? 

Last time you were insulted? Every now and then on Tumblr. 

Most traumatic experience? Depression. 

Perfect date idea? Honestly, just having a good time is ideal!

Favorite app on your phone? Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook messenger

What color are the walls in your room? Light light pink

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? I HAVE TOO MANY, AHHHHH

Share your favourite quote. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” - Pam Beasley.

What is the meaning of life? To make lemonade when you’re handed lemons? What else? 

Do you like horror movies? YES.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Eh, no? 

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? Yea! 

Can you keep a secret? Of course. 

Thank you! 

[actual-talking-trashcant]

Do all the asks, if you have time. I'm especially curious about number 14 from the story time asks.

ask #2

Tattoos: What is art to you? Does it have an important place in your life? things that people make. yes

Soil: Something that you have grown from, or that has helped you grow. tbh my life as a whole

Dusk: Name something that captivates you. the sky

Ravens: What is something you are inexplicably drawn to? the sky, water, and skateboarding oddly enough

Natural curls: List some things that you like/love about yourself. at this moment in time not much

Zack: Describe someone you love. (Can be s/o, friend, family member, fictional character) i really love my mom. she cares all the time.

Pomegranates: Talk about something that is meaningful or has personal significance to you. music.

The Smiths: Share some artists, songs or albums that you adore. ajr, pwr bttms right now

Jars: Do you collect anything? If so, what do you collect and why? coins, money, boxes, instruments, books, regrets, metal

Mountains: Do you have any sanctuaries, or places you feel at peace in? my room, the youth room, sometimes trees i need to find a good tree

Hugs: Is there anything/anyone that helps keep you going on the really rough days? my mom, music

Caves: Something that terrifies yet also fascinates you? space, water, music, relationships

Mythology: Is there anything you have a vast knowledge of or enjoy studying? a good few things

Ruins: Are there any places in the world that you would love to see or visit? rome hawaii the gay parts of canada

Road Trips: What gives you that sense of freedom and adventure? walking alone at night

Megan: Is there anyone in your life that you admire? my mom

Bubble Baths: Where or in what situations do you think most clearly? in ones where i have a bubble of space and can think and are not about relationships 

Evening Walks: Are there any things you do that put your mind at ease? music

Amy: Is there anyone in your life you would consider to be a kindred spirit? my mom

Crossroads: You are at the crossroads and there are four roads. The road going north will take you somewhere or to someone that is home. The one going east will be a long journey that you will learn from, a message will be given to you. The road leading south will be an epic, unpredictable adventure. The west road leads you down a beautiful path to a body of water, where you may bathe and heal from something that you have endured. Which road do you choose and why? in this moment I'm not really up to adventure so probably just north

Folk Metal: Tell me about something you get really excited about. music

Full Moon: Describe an experience you had that was somehow related to the moon. i was at my grandmas and i was just thinking about how i had wanted someone with me to see how nice it was so i was going to draw it but i never did

Live Music: Have you ever been to a concert? If so, what were some of your favorite ones you’ve been to? If not, who or what would you love to see? yes. I've loved all of them because I've loved the people that I've gone with. still pissed that i missed oh pep and i really want to see them.

Spill your thoughts

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? my mom03: Do you regret anything? probably

04: Are you insecure? yes05: What is your relationship status? single06: How do you want to die? hm. quickly ig07: What did you last eat? cookies that were not for me08: Would you want to know what happens in the future if you couldn’t change it? i think so because then i wouldnt have to waste my time09: Do you bite your nails? i used to a lot now i dont usually10: When was your last fight? dont remember 11: Do you like someone? i dont think so12: Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Why? i couldn't make it because i never sleep enough anyway13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? donald trump14: Do you miss someone? yes15: What would you see in the Mirror of Erised? (What do you most desire?) people around me16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? not much. not good17: Ever made out in the bathroom? i dont think so. I've been kissed in a bathroom and got a hickey in a bathroom though18: What are you afraid of? the dark. being left behind. 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? probably 20: Where was the last place you made out with someone? my bed21: What are your plans for this weekend? i went to wisconsin then i didn't do anything today except feel shitty22: Do you want to have kids? How many? adoption. as many as i can handle, 2-323: Do you have piercings? How many? no24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? i like science and math, though i never study either25: Do you miss anyone from your past? yes26: What are you craving right now? how i felt yesterday27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? maybe28: Have you ever been cheated on? i hope not29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes30: What’s irritating you right now? a lot of things31: Does somebody love you? my mom said she did a little while ago so32: What is your favorite color? blue33: Do you have trust issues? yes34: Who/what was your last dream about? dont know35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? people yesterday36: Do you give out second chances too easily? yes37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? forgive38: Is this year the best year of your life? no39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 14 i think40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? maybe when i was tiny51: What is one book everyone needs to read? I'm sure there is one but i can't think of anything52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? probably 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched too much skateboarding youtube54: Is cheating ever okay? i dont really think so55: Are you mean? i hope not56: How many people have you fist fought? outside of martial arts like maybe 257: Do you believe in true love? i dont think so58: Favorite weather? nice59: What is your perfect day look like? i dont know60: Do you wanna get married? i dont know 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? in any context at this moment no62: What makes you happy? music friends 63: Would you change your name? yeah64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? say sorry66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? not really 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my brother68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably rhys69: Do you believe in soulmates? maybe70: Is there anyone you would die for? yes

Clean and Simple

A. What makes life worth it? good question

B. Hidden talents? i dunnoC. Last book you read? frankensteinD. Are you seeing anyone? i dont see anyone right now because I'm alone and also noE. What color do you look best in? let me knowF. Favorite place to nap? my roomG. Last film you saw? boys dont cryH. Best advice you’ve given? dont do itI. How many languages can you say hello in? a few probably J. How often do you nap? not oftenK. Favorite fast food? meatheads friesL. Piano or drums? drums because i find piano really hard. both are hardM. First thing you ate today? i think a piece of brownieN. Best Birthday party you’ve attended? i dont know. ones with friends O. What’s your typical Tuesday? school soccer homeP. Celeb you’d most like to meet? kaitlyn alexanderQ. Weirdest phone call you’ve had? i dont normally call people R. Favorite memory? sleepS. Who gives the best hugs? this girl from my church retreat gave really good hugs and so do my friendsT. Sitting on laps or piggy back rides? as long as I'm not on topU. Best holiday song? white christmas is my first thoughtV. Last shoes you bought? no ideaW. What’s your skin care routine? badX. Coolest thing about your best friend? artY. What’d you have for lunch two nights ago? uhhhhh Z. Something kind you’ve done recently? i was nice to people yesterday

Story time

Put a number in my ask and I'll tell you about a personal story/experience with that theme!1. Happy story? when i got into my school

2. Injury story? I sprained my ankle running down the stairs on easter3. Funny story? me saying “i would eat- CELIA” 4. Scary story? i almost died under an inter tube 5. Random story? my dog and i breathe the same sometimes6. Sad story? my dog died from cancer my day off of school7. Secret story? (A story you have never told anyone before) 8. Infuriating story? when the varsity soccer coach acts nice but she is not9. Awkward story? i threw my phone in the closet after telling my friend i was gay10. Fun story? i caught a turtle because it bit me one time11. Self incriminating story? i stole $20 from my brother one time because he had more money than me12. Embarrassing story? i dyed my hair green and gold 13. Weird story? my friend opened my other friends photos and the first photo that popped up was a dick pic14. Oddly sexual story? I've only made out standing up once and it was not super serious. Also i almost stuck my hand down someones pants because i am competitive15. Face-palming story? “where do you wanna dye?”16. Food story? i like carrots and ketchup 17. School/college/work story? my mom is friends with my principal. its weird.18. Illness story? my brother got a concussion from snow tubing and he only had this really tiny cut19. Event story? (Something that happened at a public event) i got kissed but paid more attention to the music my friend didn't20. Boring story? today i watched 5 episode of bones

100 questions to invade my personal life

1. What's your middle name, and do you like it? jane, not terribly2. are you artistic? nope3. Have you had your first kiss? yes4. What is your life goal? graduate college, do something cool, get a nice house with bookshelves and a music room5. Do you have any expieriences with a famous person? I'm friends with this family who are in the tv and play industry and my nickname is nugget6. Do you play any sports? soccer, martial arts7. What's your worst fear? dark, being left8. Who's your biggest inspiration? mom9. Do you have any cool talents? music?10. are you a morning person? not really11. How do you feel about pet names? they're kinda weird but sometimes nice12. Do you like to read? yeah but I'm shit at actually doing it now13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. glee and a few others ig14. Do you care about your follower count? no ( but i have 295)15. What's the best dream you've had? can't remember16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? yes17. Do you have any pets? yea i have a beagle18. Are you religious? yes19. Are you a people person? sometimes20. Are you considered popular? i used to at least21. What is one of your bad habits? worrying about not working but not working but also not resting22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable not enough clothes, no sound23. What would you name your children? gender neutral names24. Who's your celebrity crush? kaitlyn alexander? i mean i wanna meet them25. What's your best subject? english is easy but i like math and science26. Dogs or cats? dogs27. most used social media besides tumblr? snapchat usually28. best friends name rhys29. who does your main family consist of my mom dad brother dog30. Chocolate or sugar both31. have you ever been on a date? yes32. Do you like roleercosters? no33. Can you swim? yes34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse? i would probably try my best to live or just give up and fuck someone (dealing with extremes i guess)35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder? yes. i still have to do intake for a therapist but its only at certain times and my mom has missed it a couple times36. Are your parents together? yes37. What's your favourite color? blue38. What country are you from/do you live in? us39. Favourite singer? tyler joseph i guess40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? not really but i wish41. Do you like dresses? no42. Favourite song right now? let the games begin or pitchfork kids43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? yes. but it needs to be talked about44. How old were you when you first got your period? i think 1245. Have you ever shot a gun? yes46. Have you ever done yoga? yes47. Are you a horror girl? god no48. Are you good at giving advice? reasonably49. Tell us a story about your childhood. i would count and organize coins instead of going outside50. How are you doing today? nope51. Were you a cute kid? i guess52. Can you dance? if I'm given something to learn53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing?54. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes55. What colour are your eyes? blue/green56. What's your favourite animal? turtle57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? yeah58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes59. Do you have good friends? i guess60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? hahaha yes I'm gay61. What's your favourite class? guitar is fun and i like physics even though its hard62. List all the tv shows you are watching. i just started watching bones63. Are you organized? some places yes, others no64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? boys dont cry. i thought it was a little weird but it was an important movie for trans and lgb+ representation67. Which tv character do you relate to most? all i can think of is Lance and head canons i saw today68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? knowledge, time, other people, situations69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? learning and teaching about the environment and lgbtqia+ stuff70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? i would probably procrastinate more and maybe learn how to like everything and probably try to kill myself after a while because everyone i loved would die71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? id probably kiss more people who knows72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? dont get attached73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? i went to madison wisconsin a little while ago75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? my mom, warmth, my dog, blankets and tv76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? not much, absolutely nothing77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? pediatrician 78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? i dont know i dont really have much in the first place79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? when i shouldn't have distanced my problems 80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence I'm gonna go to college and maybe live with some friends and still play music81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? i would have written 3 plays and a book, be in a band, get 5s in both ap tests and get all a’s and know how to ride a skateboard and be organized and my room would look nice and i would have scholarships already applied to. just a lot of things82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? probably learn for a bit then just play video games or something83. How would you spend a billion dollars? probably save it or use it to keep my grandmas house. There are a lot of financial issues with that.84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? maybe future to see if it gets better85. What motivates you to succeed? right now not much. my mom86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? idk87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? city. i like to travel to the woods but not live there88. Do you believe in life after death? i hope so, i think just dying would be boring89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? I've had a lot of great teachers but i think davey inspired me to learn about the world and meacham helps me think about myself and others90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? lemonade stand91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? alexander hamilton maybe so i could see what he was thinking when he did all that he did, and so maybe he could help us out and also see how gay he was92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? depends on the day, probably something i would think is jesusy93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? hm. i still havent learned how to care for myself but to be respectful of other people and to really think of things from an even standpoint.94. What do you think happens after we die? i like to hope it isn't nothingness95. What would you do if you would be invisible? pantsy a lot of people. maybe steal some stuff96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try? do my work apparently 97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? nah 98. How did your first crush develop? friendship to wow i really miss this person99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? a feeling of hatred towards myself, a feeling of confusion at a dynamic, a feeling of angst over my feelings towards relationships and the fact that i wish i could just figure what i want out100. Do you live or do you just exist? right now I'm staying at exist so i dont go crazy trying to live

alright i think thats it, i kept being pulled away and not being able to do this sorry