#did this for fun in less than 2 hours so its messy

[ratrrriot]

Always by your side.

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Villain AU - Deadlock, Part 8

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 ||

Getting some blabla out of the way 💁‍♀️ next chapter should have some cool action wahoooooooooooo

(Present)

Vee woke up with a startle at the sound of her phone ringing. In a half-awake state she stumbled her hand across and over to her nightstand, grabbing the device. She took a second to see who was calling, the name being none other than her surpervisor at work. Shit.

"Yeah?" Vee opened with a raspy voice.

"Where the hell are you? You were supposed to start an hour ago!" a woman voice shouted at the other end of the line.

God, it was too early for that...

"I was sick all night," lied Vee. "I'm sorry, I just passed out. I can't make it today."

"You realize I now have to cover for your ass?"

Oh boo-hoo, cry a fucking river.

"I'll be there tomorrow."

She ended the call right there and then. Fuck that job. Fuck that low salary. She didn't have to explain herself furthermore.

Vee sighed, leaving her phone back on the nightstand. In that moment she also realized two things: She was still fully clothed. When did she get to bed last night?

Last thing she remembered was Donatello coming into her apartment after Raphael's impromptu visit, then she cried. So much. That was extremely embarassing...

Putting on her glasses, she resolved herself to getting up, prefering to exchange yesterday's clothes for a oversized black t-shirt and keeping her underwear on. Getting her hair up in a messy bun, Vee made her way directly to the kitchen area, getting a coffee bag out of the pantry next. She barely started to measure the coffee beans needed for her grinder that a tired voice rose from behind.

"Someone called you?"

Vee let out a "Criss!" in French, jumping out of fear and turning around. Coffee beans flew out of the bag at the same time, many now littering the floor. She finally noticed Donnie who had been sleeping on the couch, the terrapin's eyes now fully opened - surprised by her reaction. They were both frozen for a moment, the woman wanting to drop her heart's rate first.

"... What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Uhh ... you said it was okay for me to sleep here."

Vee squinted, trying to recall that.

"Huh? When?"

The turtle was now sitting up, having put his glasses on.

"Last night after I got you to bed."

That was like a blast to Vee, absolutely confused.

"Man ... I don't recall that at all," she confessed. She quickly frowned afterward: "Wait, you took me to bed?"

"Why, you wanted to sleep with me on the couch instead?" said the other, amused.

Vee groaned, giving up as she proceeded to get a broom out. Starting to collect the stray coffee beans, the terrapin had now made his way closer.

"Nice outfit...," he pointed.

She paused, realizing her look.

"It's my apartment, I dress how I want," said the human with a quick shrug. "Enjoy the view, I guess."

Donnie extended his hand towards her, motionning for the broom.

"Gimme that. This mess was caused by me."

Vee sighed, handing him the tool: "Sure, have fun. I'll get the coffee started. ... I have a feeling I'll need a couple of cups today."

It felt so weird... To see him in daylight and with less equipment on himself. Grinding the coffee, she prepped her machine so a pot could be filled. Observing the terrapin at work next, she took a moment to glance at his movements, his muscles. She almost caught herself biting her lip too hard...

"Remind me why you stayed over?" she asked. "For real, the only thing I remember is just crying like a lil' bitch last night."

That caught Donnie off guard, laughing lightly. Throwing away the last beans, he looked at Vee, putting the broom back to its place.

"I wanted to make sure you'd be okay," he started. "You seemed quite shaken up, so it only felt right that I'd be there."

Vee got some mugs out, letting him continue.

"And... I kinda got into an argument with my brother Leonardo last night. So I didn't want to go back home just yet."

"Oh?"

"They saw us together last night, hence why Raph paid a little visit as well."

"What a charming family you have...." she said sarcastically.

"Their intentions are well placed, but poorly executed," he added, thoughtful. He pointed towards Vee's computer next: "By the way, your client replied last night..."

She first frowned, but then quickly realized that she didn't lock her screens - first interrupted by Raph's arrival. She hastened to her desk with a slight panic, sitting down and looking at her screen. As she was reading, Donnie was now standing behind her, waiting for her reaction.

BillionsPerSeconds: How much are we talking about? Color me interested. smooth_criminal: Oops, sorry, the information self-destructed. I don't have it anymore. smooth_criminal: Good doing business with you. Bye bye.

"Hey, I didn't write that! What the heck!" she blurted out.

"I did."

He hunched closer to her, hands against the desk and at each sides of her, searching for her gaze at her left.

"I told you to not give out the biometrics data."

"And I told you not to look through my stuff! You're breaking rule number two."

Donnie showed an annoyed look: "... Your screen was litterally opened and your web browser on that conversation. Forgive some wandering eyes."

"Breaking rule number three now; don't be an ass," she added, looking over to him.

A brief staring contest ensued, the woman finally realizing how close the terrapin now was. A sigh left her, losing the battle as she glanced away.

"And I wasn't giving it out," mumbled Vee. "I was trying to sell it. It's different."

"It's still going against what we talked about. Don't try to play around with words and meanings."

Her eyes now back on him, she patted his cheek amusedly: "Alright, I got my lesson now. No need to chastise me anymore."

Donatello's smile was sweet, as if happy to have won whatever battle this was. Letting out a simple "good", he quickly nuzzled over Vee's top of her head, proceeding back up and into the kitchen. As he was pouring the now readied coffee, the woman was still processing this rapid display of affection he just did, swiveling her chair around and observing his motions with a slight confusion.

... What happened last night?

***

(Last night)

Her crying had calmed down, her eyes still red and watery however. The duo was still in eachother's arms and now comfortably seated on the couch - Vee completely leaning onto the mutant's form and in absolute need of comfort. Her fatigue was now drowsing her mind, yet that didn't stop her from talking:

"I never wanted this," she confessed. "I wanted to create. I wanted to be happy. ... I got fucked over so many times, I simply lost hope."

She could still feel Donnie's hands slowly petting her in soothing motions.

"I only started all of this information broker shit 'cause I'm good at searching stuff," she added with a sniffle. "I lost so many years going to College for music and arts, I didn't want to lose a couple more years trying to go down another career path." She paused, some sobs escaping her. "... I was abused, I was broken, the industry swallowed me whole and spat back my emptied shell."

She dared move, wanting to find Donnie's gaze.

"People have told me to grow a spine and be assertive - and believe me, I've tried so many times. ... I was met with rage and shouts. I had nowhere to go. I've been told countless times that I'm good for nothing and that everything I ever did was for nothing. ... What am I supposed to do other than to believe that?"

She could feel her tears come back again, shaking her head slightly: "People only want what's best for their personal gain. Once they see weakness, they'll do anything to step on it and take whatever left there is. ... And I was tired of it. I wanted none of it."

One of Donatello's hands moved, cupping her cheek and his thumb tenderly wiping the wet trail on her skin. He had this serene and mindful look, showing that he was completely attentive to her. The woman brought her hold to his hand, leaning into his touch with closed eyes. At once she realized how much she had craved for any form of contact and interaction... To simply be approached by someone and feel a touch on her.

"I'm so glad you're here..." she murmured in a sad tone.

"And I'm glad to be here," he answered in a hushed voice as well, getting closer.

She felt a motion at the top of her head, the turtle now nuzzling her gently. Her body reacted like a magnet as she herself wanted to be nearer. A deep rumbling sound started from the mutant's chest, this small vibration felt between them and throughout the woman's body. She lost herself into this feeling, moving her arms to rest around his neck and hiding her face in the crook of his neck. In an instant Donnie's embrace was now wrapped around her, his face buried in her hair and his churr incessant. They both didn't want to let go - simply wanting to savor the moment and newly found comfort and proximity.

"Please stay," softly said Vee. "I don't want to be alone."

Donnie noted her body relaxing, as well as some yawns escaping her. Without any words he proceeded to scoop her in his arms, hers still around his neck. Heading for the bedroom, he next laid her down on the mattress, kneeling down beside the furniture and observing the space while petting her hair in a soothing motion.

"... Where do you want me to stay?" he asked. "Your bed's not big enough." It was nothing else but a double sized mattress. They could both fit, but they'd need to stay close...

"You can sleep on the couch," Vee answered, yawning again.

"Then I'll be there if you need me," added the terrapin, his eyes translating a loving emotion.

He only wanted to stay close to her... Bringing a blanket over her clothed form, he nuzzled her temple, getting a soft hum from Vee in return. As he was about to head out of the bedroom next, her tiny voice did stop him:

"I'm sorry..."

He looked her way again: "What for?"

"I'm sorry...," she repeated, her tone trailing off, too tired.

Knowing he'd get no more answers from her, Donnie prefered to disregard whatever apology that was, leaving the room and keeping the door ajar - only to be able to hear her if ever needed. He started to turn off the lights around the apartment, finally stumbling around her computer and noticing its screen and active web browser. The turtle frowned lightly as he read over the conversation with her current client, knowing she was hinting at the biometrics he had just shared with her. Seeing that the client seemed interested, he answered in Vee's stead, bullshitting something about the files having self-destruct. He didn't care if that prevented her from getting money, he simply couldn't let her share that information...

With a sigh he headed for the couch, leaning his shell on it and bringing a cushion between his neck and shell for his head to rest on. Donnie's eyes were stuck on the ceiling for a long while, his thoughts running over and over again in his mind. The fact that Vee had opened herself so easily tonight, he knew there was hope... More than ever, he didn't want to let go. He wanted her to be happy...

***

(Present)

They had settled for an easy breakfast - eggs and toasts - then sitting down on the living room's floor and plates on the coffee table. As Vee wanted to avoid any awkward silences, she had put on some faint music in the background, in hopes of making things easy in this ... weird morning. Her playlist was set to a random cycle, which brought her to almost choke when 'My One and Only Love' came up next. She promptly skipped as barely a minute rolled in, the soft beat of 'C.R.E.A.M' coming up instead.

"Afraid of love songs?" said Donnie, amused.

"Absolutely not," replied the woman. "It's just ... not needed right now."

"Mm-hmm, sure."

Vee's stare was slightly annoyed as she observed him take a sip of coffee. ... There simply was no time right now to let any lovey feelings invade her mind. Instead she prefered to switch the subject to a matter she'd be wanting to know for some time:

"Can I ask something about the project Renaissance? ... There's a detail in those files that I've been wondering about."

Donnie was now attentive, his brow ridges furrowing lightly.

"I dunno why you're so stuck on that project, but sure, go ahead."

The woman took that as a cue to get up, fetching a tablet she had left in her room. It didn't take her time to swipe through the device as she walked back to the living room, already bringing up the Renaissance's files. Sitting back down at the coffee table, she read through some lines, finally pinpointing what she wanted to know about:

"Here... The initial mutative components of the alien substance have been noted down, yet a thorough investigation of its properties still remains to be conducted. Following the ongoing observations on the animal subjects, blood tests revealed that the so-called 'green ooze' is present amongst the cells, ensuring a continuous safekeep of the element - if ever missing and needed." She looked up at Donatello, her head slightly tilting to one side in questionnement. "... Have you ever tested the ooze from your blood? Or have you ever offered it to scientists?"

His answer was quick: "Never in a lifetime would I ever give that substance to anyone. I'd be too scared for it to fall into any wrong hands." His pause was brief, considering his next words. "... I did get some results myself, but never pushed for more answers - and frankly, my family and I are okay with never knowing what the ooze entails of, or even to have it die with us."

"Aren't you curious though?"

The terrapin shrugged: "About what?"

That actually stopped Vee, actually wondering herself. Seeing her incertitude, the other kept going on.

"We know the ooze is capable of bringing great transformations into any beings. Yet, to be affected by it is to be marked for a life of exile, at least that's how we see it; to be feared by most people. Why would we want that substance to affect anything or anyone's life? Who are we to decide if any being can potentially be inflicted by this curse?"

"A curse?" questionned the human. "Why say that when it litterally gave you sentience?"

"Did I ask to be given that sentience?"

"No, but it made you into who you are."

"And you think my family and I are okay with that?"

Vee stopped, knowing there was no more point in trying to raise a counterargument. Seeing her concerned look, Donnie did sigh softly, fingers mindlessly and softly tapping against the table, reminiscing.

"... Years ago, we did get our hands on a deritative alien substance; the purple ooze. It had been used to turn human subjects into animal mutants, which brought me to the realization that it could be used to turn us into humans." He glanced at his left hand, closing and flexing his three fingers. "... I remember the feeling of having five fingers, even if it was for a brief moment. At that time, my brothers and I were contemplating the idea of changing our forms, only to be accepted within society."

"Why didn't you guys do it?"

That brought a soft smile to the mutant's lips: "As cheesy as it'll sound, we do love who we are. Through all the hardships and seclusion, we simply couldn't give up who we truly were." His gaze remained on Vee, knowing she probably had many question still. "I guess the point I'm really trying to make is that we don't wish the challenges we've been through to anyone else. We honor our lives, we remain in this lifestyle simply because that's all we've ever known. ... The power in our blood may be too destructive or unpredictable, so we can't risk letting it be shared freely into this world... And we don't want to change. We don't want to allow any more successes into our very undemanded existence."

Vee remained silent, contemplating his words. While she understood the reasonings, there was still a small part of her that simply couldn't push aside her curiosity; she wanted to know more about the substance. She could only contemplate the possibilities of any advancements it could bring into society or individuals. Yet when she listened to him, the sympathy in her could only agree with the terrapin. ... Something she never thought she's reach at this point. She locked her tablet's screen, giving it no more attention.

"Thank you for telling me all of that," she said, sustaining his gaze. "I guess I can finally put those questionings to rest."

"Anything else you'd like to know then?" he asked in light amusement, elbows on the coffee table and his chin against his raised hands.

Vee let out a quick chuckle, first peeking quickly inside her now empty coffee cup.

"You want another coffee?"

He shook his head slightly: "I'd rather go sleep in fact... We usually don't stay up much during the day."

And she supposed that he couldn't really get out at this time, or else he'd be spotted easily. The woman simply got up, then standing by his side and offering her hand to him. In a follow me gesture, she got the turtle to stand up, her tiny hand holding his large one as she guided him towards her bedroom. As she offered him her bed, he was quick to politely decline, but her insistance and assuring him that she didn't mind did bring some ease into the offering.

"I'll be working on some stuff in the meantime, I don't mind," Vee simply added.

And that was good enough for him.

Putting the dishes away, Vee's actions only slowed down once she sat back at her computer, mindlessly going through her files and reorganizing some documents. Thinking back to Donnie being so open about how he felt in regards to his own existence, she slowly realized that last night had a ... similar outcome, but this time coming from her end. Bits and pieces of her blabbering came back to light, realizing that she had been pretty vulnerable in that moment. In a sense she absolutely hated it, but then again ... it had felt so good to let it all out. To finally voice things that had plagued her mind and kept her in this sense of failure for anything she ever undertook. Her life was this endless wandering, all about taking on the opportunity to ruin people's lives - only for her gain. Yet when she was with Donnie, she felt this sense of purpose, a plan that was getting built before her very own eyes... And that felt absolutely refreshing. Her playlist still going, this time even more softly, she groaned lightly as 'My One And Only Love' started again but from another artist, yet kept the tune playing. She remembered his touch. His hands over her form, caressing ever so softly. His nuzzling to her hair, the churr in his chest. The proximity she experienced, as short as it was, had only her screaming for more - simply to feel alive a little more.

After a while she sighed, knowing she couldn't resist the thought anymore. She got back up and headed towards the bedroom, finding the turtle already asleep. She felt bad for walking in and sitting by the bed's side, her hand shyly reaching for his. That easily woke up Donnie, his tired motions leading him to look at Vee.

"What's up?" he asked in a hushed, half-asleep tone.

"... Can I join you?" said the woman, her voice tiny.

He only hummed, moving a little and bringing the blanket up for the human to slip in. Removing her glasses and joining Donnie, she prefered to face him, both on their sides and first studying his traits. Feeling her hands to his cheeks, a purr-like sound left the terrapin, his eyes already closed out of fatigue.

"I'm so glad you're here...," she echoed from last night.

His arms were now fully around her, bringing Vee's to wrap around his neck. In an instant, the rush of their hearts was deafening, their bodies so close - they could've just melded together. Vee's fingertips tenderly traced patterns on his scales, appreciating the texture. Oh she could keep doing so for hours... The mutant lazily nuzzled her hair, his hands patiently petting her upper and lower back. There was this excitement about keeping her close, yet everything felt so right and calm... he knew they both needed this.

And in all truthfulness, they wished this moment would last forever...

((Part 9))

[nitunio]

7, 10, and 15!

THAJNKK YOU !!! FOR THE ! ASK ! INTERESTING STUFF..

its gonna b a bit long so i put it under a cut hohoho :)

7- Show us at least one picture you drew or sketched recently that you did not put on a public site.

I either don't remember if i posted or didn't post because it;s cringe or art study/warmup. like for example this is a warmup

and this ones cringe because i used the colour palette in a way that is no longer appealing to me and i keep chewing on wires over how bad it came out

10- What do you like most about your art?

I LOVE MY LINEART. I've been building my art foundation on the idea of lineart > anything else, and the structure, the texture, the variety and the flow are my bread and butter

Sometimes I get upset when I can't get a thing right after my first attempt or require many lines when I sketch because it goes against my whole notion of "less is more" . Because to me my overly messy unreadable sketches are the indecisive, directionless things I made that amount to no beauty

I also love my lineart that is very tiny, and my lineart that is large, because when I lineart I can express and I can show people where to look, where to linger, where I messed up, where I clearly spent more time than average.

15- What do you like drawing the least?

Process-wise I hate colouring but I think this question is about themes/subjects/etc??? So,

I hate tiny details on outfits. Sure they're fun to lineart but the begrudging realisation that after the lineart I'll have to spend at least 2-3 hours eyedropping and colouring it in I start dying inside a little bit. It pays off because it looks absolutely amazing but also. fuck!!! It's rotten work I'll do it but christ alive

I also dislike foliage and nature in general because of how easy it is to mess it up. One wrong stroke and you're done - it's not a bush it's a pile of green slime

and that;s about it!!! Sometimes I don't like drawing many other things but these two are up there ^__^

Thaaaanks for letting me ramble!!!!

[sinterblackwell]

kay's favorite reads of 2023

and with that, my 2023 reading year has finally come to a close 🙏🏾

i haven't talked as much about books this year as i did in 2022, but i really did have a good time (with some tears.....)!! i discovered a whole new batch of books in the danmei genre that made my year and completely transformed my tastes; or just feels like it had :')

i read 76 books, all the way up to the last day, and it ended on a very high note, which i'm glad. i had fun writing this, as much as i could.

just something for me to look back on!!

if there's something i'm very consistent with, it's how much i write, so....there's the annual warning. but this is a passion project!! so that's all that matters.

honorable mentions:

lor (monstrous, #7) - lily mayne

--. what originally was meant to be a novella turned into a 600-page novel that is the longest of the entire series to date. i became a huge fan of lily mayne since 2022 because of this series, and i was absolutely delighted to get to continue it in the beginning of this year. at first, the story did read as a novella because of how contained it was, as if lor & jugs were living in this bubble. many clues, however, hinted that that bubble would break eventually-- political turmoil due to lor's position as the Moric and the fact that jug's human world has not yet fell into an apocalyptic state since this book is set in the 80s.

i genuinely became obsessed with the story once the plot kicked in around the middle, but i also admired how much the author put into the worldbuilding of this monster realm that our earlier monstrous characters had only been referencing up to this point. and it was absolutely amazing, but with a ton of faults that showed no world, even without any humans, is exempt from some messy politics. the fact that lor was so avoidant in his position causes a lot of upheaval, but his character arc in this story was very well-done, and it made for a very emotional read with all the events near the end. the author clearly got to have a lot of fun with this story in its setting and i look forward to seeing what will come when these characters meet with our earlier cast in the next book.

translations - brian friel

--. this was something i read for my irish literature course in the spring, and i ate it up in less than 2 hours at most. i don't read many plays and don't anticipate myself changing that fact in the future, but i had such a pleasant time with this one!! i think what made it so profound was having the text written out in front of me and yet i could visualize it so clearly as if i was following the script all along while the characters were performing on a stage.

this story is about the start of the end for the irish language, set in a small, rural town known as baile beag. having this play written entirely in english when these characters were majorly speaking irish is a connection that will stick with me for a long time, and it made the story so much more bleak because these characters weren't aware of what was to come.

my professor is so passionate about irish history, and felt just the same with this play. i got to take part in some very interesting discussions of the story while in class, and so now, a dream of mine would be to get to see this play in person someday :')

how to say i do - tal bauer

--. we cannot have a 2023 reading wrap-up without a tal bauer mention. despite not reading as much from him this year (mainly because i already read most of everything he wrote in 2022.....), i was glad to have this title to come back to more than once every couple of months. wyatt & noël are my most favorite tal bauer couple, next to sasha & sergey from the executive saga, and i just found them so sweet.

wyatt is one of the purest characters i have ever read; you can find no fault with him and his sweetheart persona. i loved how the author explored his own personal arc in the story due to the grief he held for his murdered father that he lost some time ago. he moved through that grief by taking care of his younger brother and working his ass off on the winery business he worked on together with his dad, and also the fields that this wine comes from. this land he grew up in is his home, and noël becomes a part of it as well.

this is a story about healing and finding peace with the people who care for you, and i adored it so much.

qiāng jìn jiǔ - tang jiuqing

--. there are no rules that can tell me i am not allowed to include this story here when i got through over 50% of it, and it is over 2,000 pages long. yes, i may not have gotten to finish it by this point, but i still consider it one of my greatest reading achievements. the story has such a huge cast of characters and very in-depth world politics, full with schemes and court intrigue, as well as betrayal and yearning.

it holds a very strong place in my heart because of the experience i have with it since i could only get to start reading it by surfing through a Chinese website and doing some rough translations. i was very determined to get started on it and actually paid some money that was ensured to go towards the author just so i could gain access to the fan translation. it is one of the best translations i ever had the fortune to read, and i got to pull a lot of my favorite quotes from it while gushing about the story with a friend.

that same friend did a very meaningful thing and found an epub of this translation before it got taken down since seven seas publishing has officially licensed it recently. i am very happy to see what it will look like in that version set to come in its first volume in june 2024, but i'm even more ecstatic to have this epub to finish the fan translation first. i hope to be done by this in the new year, so we'll see.

my summer of you - nagisa furuya

--. this is a comfort series for me, and i will always love that i got to read the first two volumes during the summer when the story was set. i couldn't get to read the third volume until early december, but the spirit of the season still shined through and i had such a nice time with these characters. the art was very neat and brought a smile to my face because of how adorable these characters looked, especially wataru as in the third volume, he ends up just looking more & more like an angry kitten.

i loved that even though there's no discernible plot to each volume, i still get to see this development in the established relationship between chiharu and wataru. their mutual love for film is what brought them together as close friends, and it's what nurtures the romantic feelings they grow for the other that are depicted in very soft panels. i'm not quite sure if there's more volumes to come, but for the ones that we have now, i'll cherish them for being something comforting to come back to when i need something light.

+ the art of cruelty - butchgoth (gremlingirl)

--. cue more self-indulgence!! because yes!! this is fanfiction!! beefleaf fanfiction in particular, inspired from mxtx's heaven official's blessing, but now set in an alternate universe where these characters live today. it was over 300,000 words, which effectively made it roughly over 500 pages, single-spaced; and for that, i will count it as part of my reading goal, so technically.....i've read 77 books this year <3

i just feel sentimental about this fic since it was the first one i read from the tgcf fandom. i discovered it on ao3 immediately after catching all the way up to vol.5 (which was the most recent volume published by seven seas at the time i picked up the series in january). it had all the drama of the canon series, but instead of ghosts & heavenly officals, we had these characters part of the mafia. a lot happened, and these characters' morality felt even more muddled than they were in canon (because duh.....the fucking mafia).

i think what my most favorite thing that i got from it was seeing the brotherhood relationship between hua cheng & he xuan. in the actual series, there isn't much depiction of any closeness in their dynamic, but the tgcf fandom took the bare minimum and expanded on it greatly; this fic is one of the biggest examples of that.

i came to this title for he xuan & shi qingxuan, and it absolutely delivered, but i also got to get attached to some of the other relationships as well (again, he xuan & hua cheng; i'm a sucker for sibling relationships, so i wasn't surprised when this happened).

and now for my top 10 favorite reads of the year!!

. . .

10. given (vol.5) - natsuki kizu

i had been wanting to read this series for a long time, actually. what always stopped me was the fact i had never gotten into manga and had a bit of trouble reading any graphic novels. i was someone who felt more comfortable with regular novels as i found myself feeling distant from the few graphic novels i read before this year.

what ultimately broke this pattern was my reading of our dining table in june, which became the first manga i ever read & completed. it was a contemporary romance that was very light & sweet, and involved a small family who were brought together through the love of homecooked meals. the art was one of the most striking things from the story for me; the little child, tane, having some of the most adorable illustrations i've ever seen.

after reading this manga, i started dipping my toes a little more into the genre, until i ultimately got to the given series, whose art is some of my most favorites of all manga, next to old-fashioned cupcake. what always got to me was how this is a story about music, and how much it means differently for the characters we meet here. my favorite thing about it was how the art made this music these characters were playing feel even more alive, as if i could actually hear it. the art was very expressive and the music resonated so deeply, i loved it so much.

volume 5 ended up connecting to me way more than i expected, and it was just all because a side character, ugetsu murata. we get to meet him in a previous volume, but learn even more about him here and it was all a very emotional read.

his relationship with akihiko hurt me a lot because i had met them when they were already nearing the end, and there was so much pain and resentment that lied deeply in this relationship, that i found myself grieving for what they had in the beginning (even though i wasn't even there to actually witness it??). you could sense the significance of their relationship despite that though, and their goodbye scene ultimately broke me due to (and no surprise here) the incredible artwork.

finding out ugetsu has garnered some mixed feelings from the given fandom was no surprise to me, but it made me love him more because i really did see a connection in him. his personal attachment to music as a renowned violin player is a story i would love to see more about, but he's not necessarily the main character, so...

the good part is his dynamic with mafuyu, who is one of the main characters. i love seeing them when they're together and i like to think that they do become close friends.

9. heaven official's blessing (vol.6) - mò xiāng tóng xiù

this volume was where we finally got to the white-clothed calamity arc, the most painful arc of the entire series that the tgcf fandom was absolutely dreading. it had all the trauma and heartbreak and grief and more, and it was the best arc i read from this series.

we got to see xie lian at his lowest after the fall of Xianle, and i just think one of the most striking things was how hua cheng played a role during this time. this was a point where xie lian & hua cheng weren't familiar to each other in the way they were now at the present timeline of the story, but they still had crossed paths in some shape and literal form very early on. hua cheng, or otherwise, wu ming, in this arc played a very pivotal role in his witness of xie lian's darkest point. to see him absolutely inconsolable because there was no way for him to reach out and protect the person he already loved with his whole being was painful to read. there had always been this quote that the fandom always loves to reference from hua cheng himself, and it all hurt so much more deeply when i saw what he was talking about.

"To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything, that's the worst suffering in the world."

ah so yeah, this volume is my most favorite of the series :') i have very fond feelings for the entire story because it was my first introduction to the world of danmei, and i am way too sentimental for my own good, so of course it had to be on this list.

8. peach blossom debt - da feng gua guo

at this point, i read quite a bit of danmei, and this one happened to be one of the few that didn't come from word of mouth but simple coincidence. this is a story from an author who's not as well-known as mxtx or priest, and i feel very disheartened about that because this danmei was something else (positive).

there's some stories you know you'll love immediately, while others you're not as sure of at first. this was the case of the latter, as the writing style seemed worlds apart from what i had become familiar with in most danmei i had read, and i found the first-person pov to be a very interesting way to handle the narrative. what first started out as a comedic and very ridiculous tale turned into a tragic character arc where song yao, the mc, seemed to have been cursed to repeat this cycle of loneliness that he's had to endure since before he even ascended. i found the twist that happened around the last quarter of the story to be somewhat convoluted in execution, but still overwhelmingly moving looking at the fact that i ended up sending a teary voice message to a friend.

in hindsight, that reaction was very dramatic of me, but all feelings were sincere. this is because the plot twist just absolutely changed everything that i thought i had grasped well from the story up to that point. i had gotten invested in the friendship between song yao and hengwen, the latter being the first & only person who alleviated that feeling of isolation that song yao had become so used to. he was someone who made song yao's ascension feel less overwhelming and brought his own humor & light to their dynamic, which made me ship them hard. when this twist came, it didn't ruin that dynamic, but in an even more ironic heartbreak, it made it seem more forbidden. the romance just became something so much more, and seeing everything that followed after the twist felt like a dream that made me love the story more than i expected i would.

if there's one meme i'd love to float around, it's the popular "would you love me if i was a worm?"; because as this story shows, the answer from one character to another is yes :') and i am obsessed with them for that.

7. stars of chaos (vol.1) - priest

the worldbuilding. the worldbuilding absolutely plays a strong part in this steampunk fantasy, and the main couple did, too <3

i think among all historical danmei, this, thousand autumns, and qiāng jìn jiǔ are much more a grounded visualization of ancient China and its events as it was studied in the books. my favorite thing about stars of chaos is that it still had this touch of innovation and magic that made it a thousand times more compelling than it would've been without. i found the idea of violet gold being seen as the center of all the machinery that exists in this time period such an interesting hook for the story, and chang geng's pov felt absolutely perfect for telling it, in a case of secret identities and and cursed ambitions.

his dynamic with another character, who we come to know as gu yun, is some of my most favorite of all danmei. as of recently, thanks to a couple ao3 fics, i feel even more like i'm bursting with love for them both.

i'm only really at the beginning with this story since we only have this first volume at the time i'm writing this. however, the second one is due to come in early january 2024 and i am so hyped for it. again, the story is really innovative and there's some action & mystery that pulled me in deeply. i'm really excited to get more to the root of it as each volume comes out and the tension grows even stronger.

6. lip and sword (vol.2) - jin shisi chai

because this is just the kind of person that i am, of course one of my top favorite reads of 2023 would be of a series that i finished on the last day of the year :')

there's so much i've already talked about regarding this volume on goodreads (x), but i really consider this series to be a precious gem to me because of how severely underrated it is (and i also mean that literally....the third volume only has 32 ratings on gr, including mine). of course, this series might be receiving much more pleasant feedback in other circles, as goodreads isn't the center of everything. however, there's no fandom to speak of that i have been able to access, and so it's made for a very lonely reading experience.

what made up for it, though, was how truly genius the story was. it's one of the very few modern danmei i've read, and it circles around the world of Chinese journalism, uncovering news stories that end up shaking the narrative in such a brilliant way. the author is so smart, and i got to meet one of my most favorite fictional characters of the year, xing ming. he's cold, logical, and on the edge of frustrating when it comes to how little he cares for the consideration of his colleagues, which makes him cross lines that shake up the story even more.

the romance between him & yu zhongye was....absolutely perfect; i feel gobsmacked at how perfect this series was to me in all its flawed characters and a fractured society fueled by the media. so much of it felt really intense and the translation, even with the few grammatical errors it had, did a really good job sharing the author's intent with the volumes. i really loved this...

--. note: this is where the list gets a little blurry, as these next 4 are practically interchangeable. the #1 spot is the most solid. i'm obsessed with them all, and having them on this list is all that really matters .--

5. the scum villain's self-saving system (vol.2) - mò xiāng tóng xiù

thanks to the absolutely chaotic svsss fandom, i got even more attached to this series in the months after i had finished it. i feel very fond for this community of readers who were just as obsessed with mxtx's debut as i was, and with this volume, i hold it even more dearly.

it was very chaotic. despite only being in shen qingqiu's pov, i loved how the author managed to convey everyone else's emotions in the series of events that occur. i already said this in the mid-year freakout tag, but it made things so laughable yet also so fucking sad for sqq to see himself apart from everyone else as he comes from the "real world". those like luo binghe are only capable of following the script from the original story and so in all the times lbh chases after his shizun, it only inspires more fear & sadness in sqq knowing what happens in the story they're following.

to be fair for him, honestly, lbh doesn't make it any easy to think differently because of some of his stalking behavior, but again, the author was able to convey lbh's heartbreak so clearly in their interactions. i am a sucker for angst and so to see two characters who are basically having two different conversations without realizing it, it made this volume a standout for me.

also, svsss is my favorite mxtx novel, by the way.

4. king of death (folk, #3) - lily mayne

ash in his self-destruction era :')

his pov is what really turned the story for me because i had been with him since the first book, mortal skin. he had been through so much deception after already reeling over the grief of the parents that raised him.

he was tortured to the point of death in efforts to shed his human skin and make him become full fae. he was led to believe that the love of his life, lonan, had been the one to deal the killing blow to said parents. he loses his arm as he was fighting to run somewhere safe away from the unseelie realm due to the evil plans of lonan's mother. he finally met his birth mother, who turned out to be a just as sickening as she saw him as a curse from the moment of conception; she wanted nothing more than to sap all his power away that she saw as rightfully hers.

he's forced to kill an innocent to conceal his identity in a public affair. he recovers all his lost memories of lonan and is left reeling over all the interactions they shared where he couldn't even remember him. he's thrust with the title of king of seelie and all its obligations in the face of those who dealt with centuries of tyrannical rule under his birth mother.

and then now we get to this book!! where he clutches so badly to the one good & normal thing he has left in his life....lonan. it was like they existed in this bubble where it was just them two as it was in mortal skin, and it was exactly when ash started falling in love with him. reliving this feeling, of course ash would want to have them stick together; but lonan had his own obligations.

it got to the point where ash had all these excuses ready for why lonan should stay with him, so readily able to ignore signs that say otherwise, that the forests that serve as the bridge between the seelie & unseelie folk was rotting away. what once was something really light and a force of good with them staying together ended up almost becoming a thing of the past.

it was such a long road with this story, and so heartbreaking. i just loved how the author was so consistent in the development of ash's character journey, and there was almost a point where it felt like he was so close to falling off the edge, but his brother, nua, is who pulls him back. i will always be so thankful for nua's presence in this book; it did everything.

and i'm also just glad that at the end of all this angst and hardship, ash & lonan do make it through. it was a hard-won fought :')

my reading experience with this series started over a year and i'm just really happy to have loved this finale as much as i did. it feels like i've giving it a proper send-off.

---. i've unfortunately reached the stage where my energy is starting to dwindle. but now we've gotten to the top 3 and just to say, i'm glad that i found these stories and everything that was listed before.

3. the husky & his white cat shizun (vol.3) - rou bao bu chi rou

taxian-jun was really the star for me in this one. that's all.

”Mo Ran, wake up already. Wake up…”

“I am awake! I’m perfectly fucking awake! You’re the one who’s asleep! Are you blind?! Are you blind, Chu Wanning! …

“As far as you’re concerned, his life is a life, but mine counts for nothing. Is that it?!” In his fury, Mo Ran grabbed Chu Wanning’s hand and pressed it to his bloody wound.

“Didn’t you want to stop me? Here’s your chance; go on then, dig out my heart! Chu Wanning, why don’t you just dig out my fucking heart?!”

2ha, my beloved <3

2. remnants of filth (vol.2) - rou bao bu chi rou

here's a series of quotes that broke my heart:

Mo Xi thought, if only he could see straight in. If only he could cruelly tear this man apart, pierce him through--if only he could get a good look at the secrets in his bones, the currents in his blood, the filth in his soul. If he could see how dirty the man kneeling before him was, perhaps he'd let go of this persistent attachment.

.

Give me your hand. No matter how dirty you are, I will embrace you. No matter how much it hurts, I will stay with you. No matter how far it is, I will bring you home.

.

So much hatred, so much love, and so much agony. An agony worse than death.

i really look forward to volume three; it can't come soon enough. the story of mo xi and gu mang hurts a lot :')

1. the missing piece - kun yi wei lou

Their eyes met, and the world was silent. The start of spring had just passed. The weather was especially good that day, with no clouds in the sky for miles. But Ji Mingxuan seemed to feel that only now did the rain that had lingered in his heart truly stop.

(x).

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 2)

fic link written by @tavtarnish.

I want to add something from chapter 1: where soap says he'll give ghost, quote "the military's wet dream of a sergeant"

~ he's gonna do it our of spite. not for himself, but rather for /himself/. he's gonna do it to spite the terribleness that is himself. like 'im a terrible person but maybe its a little less bad bc i maybe did some good'

chapter 1 chapter 2

waking up on the floor

~ honestly... yeah. happens more often than i'd like to admit

him missing some part of his old self, but also not, but also sometimes he does

~ that might not have made sense, but in my head that ^^^ statement is perfectly clear. like I wish I was like my younger self, but at the same time I worked so hard to be at this point so I don't really miss the old me. tho it would be nice not to have the back problems.

him waking up late

~ it's such a normal thing to happen, but at the same time i feel like every time every time I have a bad night, it's just setup for the next day. it happens every time without fail, maybe there is a reason behind that, but im not gonna think too hard about it. anyway from his standpoint the day is going great /sar. like so far he's (1) woken up on the floor, meaning his night was definitely terrible (2) it ruined his neck... so that's fun (3) woken up late. even if it's not too late it messes everything up. I won't be counting anymore of his morning mishaps , I only did this time because these three (3) things most definitely happened withing 1-2 minutes of waking up

automatically foregoing the hair for his teeth (or doing any of his morning routine in general)

~ first thing's first, the way he skips his hair (which is obviously an important part of his character) so he could brush his teeth. he only realizes that it'll be a problem when it's too late. second thing, honestly, as embaressing as it is for me to admit... if this happened to me i'd 100% just going 'woe is me' and end up doing nothing until I absolutely had to get up. so I admire that about him.

the way it's Gaz behind him instead of Ghost's usual presence, and the way he's glad about it

~ it'd be hard to Face ghost so soon after yesterday's interaction, not to mention that night. plus he did commit to making big changes, so why not one more. I mean his routine is already fucked, and he's resolved to be a better Sergent, so why not one more big change. as a person who automatically tries their best to avoid their problems, well honestly it'd be relieving to think that I don't immediately have to face my problem.

Ghost shows up, and gaz and ghost on the topic of his hair

~ of course ghost is here, when one goes the other follows. it's ghost AND soap not OR. anyway, them talking about his hair. probably his most distinguishing feature, that he most definitely takes much pride in. Gaz's statement didn't hurt, it was teasing and friendly but ghost's? yeah that one stung. for one it was /Ghost/ that said it, his best friend, his favorite person, his- his- well it didn't matter who he was to him other than his lieutenant. not only that but literally less than 6 hours ago he decided he'd be a better Sergent, and now Ghost his lieutenant is telling him that he's already failing at that. why can't he get anything right? why is he so bad at what he's supposed to be good at? it's not even that difficult to take care or, it would take two seconds. why couldn't he have just done it?

the general topic of his hair in this chapter

~ I feel like it's kinda a small detail, it's only mentioned a handful of times, and all in passing moments. maybe i'm reading too much into this, but it just feels so important and personal... or maybe it's giving a little insight on how he's feeling, messy, unkept, perhaps a little disastrous.

/that/ feeling coming back because ghost is here, and him refusing to acknowledge it

~ again he doesn't even know why he's feeling it so why bother acknowledging

him refusing to banter with ghost, or to make jokes with him

~ i guess the first step to this whole changing thing was to be on time and look professional (or at least presentable) which he's already messed up. but second would probably be to act professional, especially around your superior. this only works if you don't mess up... so don't mess up. this goes for jokes to deflect as well, so go ahead and scrap those. denying himself something that he wants and enjoys doing... ouch

ghost's confusion at soap's change of character and soap's refusal to see it

~ "what's wrong with soap? why isn't he talking? is he sick? is it the wound? did somebody say something? maybe it's just a bad morning, I mean he /did/ neglect to take care of his hair this morning." why would ghost be confused about me not speaking? if anything he's probably happy i'm not running my mouth. for once im acting my rank. this chapter is HEAVY on those self-esteem issues

gaz being the one to relieve the tension

~ wait- hang on that- that's not right. right? it's soap's job to do that it /was/ soap's job to do that... not anymore. oh... I guess that /is/ Gaz's job now...

soap's desperation to just /tell/ someone about it. all of it. and yet still he hides it.

~ of course he wants to tell someone because who is he if not a nuisance. Wanting to push his problems onto someone else, Wanting to bother other people. And he refuses to tell anyone because, again, that's not what his personality is supposed to be. That's not who /he's/ supposed to be. that want to just spill, to have somebody hear you so it's not just in your head

the way he cannot stand to be around anybody, but swallows his discomfort

~ it's all just too much, too much, too much. he wants to leave, he needs to get out of here. he can't breath. he's gonna be sick. but he can't. it's not what johnny would have done, johnny would be ecstatic to be around gaz and ghost. soap maybe would have, if he was nothing but a name, no personality, where disapproval didn't matter to him; but he isn't soap, nor can he be. Sergent Mactavish can't leave either, not if he is to be the disciplined little soldier he needs to be. right now he's none of these people, right now he's john; the overwhelmed teenager. and john is trying to fit into an outfit that doesn't fit, the sleeves are too long, the shoulders too tight, the legs too short. but at least he doesn't have to choose which one to force on. johnny has no energy to come out, and soap is buried; lost in the mess that is his mind, that leaves Sergent Mactavish. scraping the bottom of the barrel he finds the will to muster up a hopefully convincing smile. this moment is so very real to me, it's something i've done way too many times before. and refusing to voice his discomfort? not only because it ruins the mood, and perhaps because he almost feels like he deserves that discomfort.

his excuse

~ really? his alarm? /that/ was the best he could come up with? he knows it's a bullshit excuse. that's the equivalent of "just tired", tho unlike me, Ghost knows that it's a BS response. he knows ghost knows. of course the man does, just like soap knows ghost's tells, ghost knows soap's tells.

"be a good soldier"

~ gah-damn! that's EXACTLY how I talk to myself when im in this type of headspace

AGAIN WITH THE HAIR!!!

~ yes im freaking about the hair again. I DON'T KNOW WHY. his hair is long, he's neglected it a bit... just like he's neglecting himself?

soap being overly formal

~ it causing the silence between them into something uncomfortable as if something has changed. because something /has/ changed... ghost clearly doesn't like the change in his Sergent.

his nervous tics

~ the way he has to focus so hard on not doing them, and how he almost defaults back to bootcamp posture.

the tension between them

~ only being broken by price, but it still not rubber-banding back to their former status

him changing his showing personality with price's arrival

~ I do the same thing. in every situation, good or bad, differing friend groups, ect. the way he even 'blends' personalities in a way. he's only doing so to avoid questioning.

him being formal with ghost, him throwing himself entirely into his work

~ the way he automatically switches to formal setting with ghost. I am now seeing that this is the RSD coming into play, where he's seeking ghost's approval or at least not attracting his ire. and him completely focusing on his task so he doesn't get to think too much about how ghost is watching him. I find that if you look busy people generally won't bother or disturb you.

look I probably missed a ton seeing as how my prime writing hors is between midnight and 3am, and it is very much not that time right now... and I also had people trying to peep my writing which is awkward lol

anyway if you see typos... no you don't. if i find more stuff from this chapter I'll add it to the beginning of the next part

[heich0e]

hi liv! (☆▽☆) so i was having my #percolatethoughtoftheday today and i was wondering (if you're comfortable with it ofc) if you can share some of the planning process for percolate with us? were there any major plot point changes that would've greatly affected the story? was there anything you removed that you regretted, was there anything you added in last minute, which scene was the hardest to get right, which scene did you speed through, etc etc? because percolate is like 130k+ words which means it definitely has gone through some really ~intense planning~, i'm curious to know more about its behind the scenes process... kinda like how they post behind the scenes footage for a film or a music video after it's released! :-O

have a great sunday <3 (and enjoy ur party... hehe)

yuna :( this is so cute :( i hope you had a great weekend sweet girl

all of percolate's plot was planned and written out in may of 2021. it started as what was supposed to be a one-shot for a friend's birthday (who, as far as I'm aware, has never actually even read the fic LMAO) but the word count was quickly in the thousands and I knew that I had something a bit more unwieldy than expected on my hands. If I'm remembering correctly I hit 10k words in about a day of writing, and I immediately knew that in order to include all of the events that I saw in my head in the story I'd need it to be multichaptered.

I set a kind of arbitrary number of chapters (12 initially) based on the word count of what I then knew to be chapter 1, and took 12 pages of paper and wrote out (by hand!!) the plot and the major story points that I wanted to happen in each chapter. I still have all of those papers, and they're so illegible and chaotic that I'm sure if anyone else tried to read them it would be like a different language LMAO. The planning process was actually very easy, and happened so quickly (all in the span of an hour or so), and then I guess all that was really left to do was write it.

The only major deviations from my initial plot outline that I can speak to are that chapter 10 (levi's POV) was a late, last-minute addition, because I felt that it was important to show at least a bit of what he'd been experiencing so far. There was also another chapter (I think 9 or 11?) that I ended up having to split into 2 because it was going to be too long. There was also a very brief moment in time where Rookie and Erwin were going to hook up but that was scrapped within the first few days, and I'm happy with that decision because I think it would have really unnecessarily complicated the (already kind of messy) plot.

Honestly I sped through writing most of the fic--I know that there were MONTHS LONG waits between chapters, but when I did finally overcome my fic anxiety and just sit down with my chapter outlines to write them, I would say that no chapter took me more than a couple of hours to write. Chapter 14 was likely the hardest just in terms of the amount of stress I felt. By that point there were so many people waiting for the ending that I felt an enormous pressure to do justice to this story that they had been so kind about, and followed intently. I really didn't ever think that anyone would read this fic, so by the time the end rolled around I was more than a bit overwhelmed lmaooo.

If I knew at the outset what I know now about how percolate would be received I think it would have scared me off writing it. I'd never written anything like it before, much less shared it with the world, and it really did just start off as a fun thing I was doing for myself. I'm glad I wrote it, even more glad people actually read it, and am so so sso so so so grateful for the things that I learned and the people who I've gotten to meet through the experience.

Anyway, I have talked for long enough now. If anyone actually reads this unduly long post my sincerest apologies!!

[spammreviews]

THE LAST JEDI IS GOOD.

The Last Jedi is a very character focused film.

It takes 6 characters (Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose, Luke, and Kylo) and goes “Okay, how do we put these characters in situations that will further their arcs.” And as a result, each of these characters have interesting and well developed arcs that make sense and actually influence the story. 

These arcs all feed into the film’s exploration of the concept of heroism. Rey wanted to be a hero, but Luke’s all like. “No, heroes are stupid.” Luke being this guy who was once a hero but is now a jerk challenges the idea of heroism not just in the eyes of the audience, but in the mind of Rey. It shows that not even heroes are perfect. It’s not a fun thing to see, but it wasn’t something that was just done to be subversive. It very clearly has a purpose within the film’s dissection of heroism. Rey has to confront her expectations of what heroism looks like, similar to how Luke had to confront his expectations in The Empire Strikes Back, and both of those films end with the characters learning that the world is a lot more complex than they thought while still not losing their idealism. 

We’ll get back to Rey and Luke, but continuing with this heroism thing, both Finn and Rose are all like “Ah! We suck, we can’t be heroes.” Then, they learn to be heroes. I admit, the thing with Rose crashing is extraordinarily stupid, but I do feel the broad strokes of her arc work well, as she learns that she can become a hero as well as Finn. Rose’s final realization in the film is that heroism is something that comes from a community, something which she learned from her experience on that casino planet.

Finn, also, is still guilty about his actions as a stormtrooper, and this guilt is personified by Plasma, his former boss. So, him killing Plasma is symbolic of him killing that guilt (it’s not the only time the film does that).

Of course, Finn doesn’t realize this until after going to the casino planet and seeing the consequences of apathy. The reason why Finn changed sides is because he sympathized with the people he was hurting. So, Finn is shown how changing sides was a monumental decision that he should be proud of.

Moving on, there’s Poe, who really wants to be a hero, but his drive ends up doing more harm than good, with him realizing at the end that heroism is more than just being the best fighter, it’s about learning to get along with people.

Kylo’s arc isn’t really about heroism, I will admit that, but we’ll get to that later. It is about idealization, which is important to this story.

Every one of these characters is given an internal and external struggle which influences every scene they’re in. With these internal and external struggles resolving at the same point. That’s good writing!

However, by focusing on character, the film sacrifices plot. The pacing is a bit weird- with the third act being way too long. Not only that, but there are a bunch of plot holes, like BB8 suddenly being extraordinarily powerful. This did take me out of the movie quite a few times. It’s also definitely rather contrived, with the story having to bend backwards in order to get the character’s in their rightful places. 

However, the fact that the movie managed to have all of these arcs in 2 hours is impressive. Should it have tried to put less on its plate? Probably. But, the fact that this film has three different plot lines, all of which combine at the end, all of which are given roughly equal time, and it still manages to make sense, is impressive. Sometimes, they tonally clash with each other, but it never feels like the plot lines are competing for your attention. It’s messy, but it could have been far more messy. 

I suppose one could say that there are four plot lines when you consider Kylo. However, his whole thing is basically tied to Rey’s plotline.

Anyways, let’s talk about subversion. The movie basically only has like three subversions: Rey's parents, Luke being a jerk, and Kylo killing Snoke. There’s some other stuff, but they’re small and not very important.

I feel like all of these subversions are not just warranted, but necessary. Let’s start with Rey’s parents. I don’t think anyone has any problems with that. It deals with the idea that anyone can be a hero. It’s also a pretty refreshing take considering how a lot of people in adventure stories always have to be the child of someone important.

Also, this reveal matches what happened in Empire Strikes Back. In that movie, the twist about Vader was the worst news that Luke could, and the news in this movie is the worst news that Rey can hear. This movie sets up the idea that, like Luke, Rey will have to learn how to embrace this. It sets up a very interesting arc for Rey in the next movie as well as a very wholesome and inspiring conclusion that anyone can make a difference. Of course…the next movie…whatever. If Rey was Luke or Hans' child then…so what? That’s good news. Also, everyone’s criticism of Rey is that she’s too much of a special cookie, and her being the child of someone important would make her even more of a special cookie. Also also, isn’t it nice to tell kids that they don’t need to be descended from greatness and all that jazz to be special? This is, after all, a lesson kids should learn.

However, I see why Luke being a jerk is controversial. However ever, I feel like the plot needed that to happen. If Luke was a great guy, then it wouldn’t have pushed Rey's character forward. Also, like, where’s the conflict in that? Where’s the drama? The reason why Yoda worked was that he pushed Luke’s character forward because he challenged Luke's perception of the world. It’s the same thing with Rey. All people need to be challenged to grow. All people need to have their view of the world broken to grow.

Luke forces Rey to confront her ideas of heroism, just as Yoda forced Luke to confront his ideas of purpose and violence. 

Luke being some sort of surrogate dad to Rey would be cute, but like…it would be boring. The other two plots are about shooting and explosions and battles and stuff. If we just cut back to Rey and Luke chilling and sharing good vibes then we’d just be waiting for it to be over. And sure, they could have had Luke be grumpy but still nicer to Rey. However, that’s literally what happens with Han in the Force Awakens. Slapping the audience in the face with Luke’s douchiness and patheticness stings, and that is the point. Both the audience and Rey are forced to reckon with the fact that people are complicated, and they also change, even our heroes. 

Also, the whole point of Luke’s character in this movie is that he redeems himself and gets his old groove back. That last scene where he fights Kylo would not be as satisfying if he had been a cool dude this entire movie. And that scene is great! Him sacrificing himself would always have emotional impact, but this turns a tragedy into a triumph. Plus, Luke having to fight his own internal demons and heal himself before he can fight makes him even more cool and admirable. What made Luke a great character from the beginning is how human he feels, and this is Luke at his most human. 

Now, one of the biggest complaints about Luke being grumpy is that it’s out of character. However, multiple things: 1. People change and 2. Luke was not just a bucket of sunshine in the originals. He was pretty angsty in the third movie. In fact, that entire movie was about him confronting his darkness. And yeah, he won, but like, that experience was probably kinda scaring. Also, like, he was literally in danger of turning to the dark side. He has darkness inside of him, because he is a well written character with flaws.

The explanation for how Luke got to be this way is not fantastic, but it is there. Also, by the way, Luke did not try to kill Kylo because he had a scary dream. People on the internet keep saying that, and I think they’re just misremembering the movie because it came like, six years ago. I mean, hey, that kind of stuff happens.

In fact, I think a lot of people on the internet seem to be victimized by time. Luke is a jerk, yes, but there are still moments of compassion between him and Rey. The meanest he gets is when Rey disobeys specific rules he gave her. Basically,  what I’m saying is that just because someone was bright and happy as a child doesn’t mean that they will continue to be bright and happy for the rest of their life. Could they have done more with the explanation? Yeah. But, I mean, Luke has always been a dude who is all over the place. He’s constantly having responsibility he neither wants nor asks for placed on him, is constantly being forced into moral dilemmas, constantly screwing up. There is definitely a nuance to his character in this movie that everyone has kind of forgotten with time. It’s much easier to remember “Luke bad” then all the moments when he’s nice.

I think that Luke and Rey both teaching each other something is much more meaningful than Luke just being this nice guy. Both of them are people grappling with their own darkness who have to confront their ideas about the world. However, they come at their own darkness from different angles. That’s interesting. Their conflicts are interesting. Both of them are tested in many different ways. That’s interesting. The biggest difference between this and the Yoda thing from Empire is that we didn’t know Yoda yet. 

But, I hear you asking, why does it need to be interesting? Why can’t this movie just have good vibes? I don’t know. I guess it could be. But this is more interesting. Three final things:

One. If Luke wasn’t at least a bit grumpy, then it wouldn’t make sense why he left everything behind. 

Two, All of the pathos surrounding Lukes character in this movie: the scene with Artoo, his death, everything, all of it hinges on his being sad and lonely. None of it would work if he was exactly like he was in his original glory. Him facing his demons is interesting. Maybe it could have been better, but it's better than nothing!

Also, that scene where Artoo awakens in the Millenium Falcon is a pretty heartbreaking scene. It shows Luke being vulnerable, and human. It also allows Luke to mourn for Han. Remember, Luke ran away, and then his friend died because of Kylo, Luke’s biggest failure. Luke probably blames himself for Han’s death. While it’s never stated, this blame is resolved through Luke’s encounter with Kylo, as it’s basically Luke fighting a symbolic representation of his guilt.

Three, as I said this film is about heroism, and Luke finally embracing his heroic side and doing something cool and badass represents a victory for the idealism which once defined him. In order for this to work, Luke needed to have given up on his idealism at the beginning of the movie. If he hadn’t, then it wouldn’t be a victory, as there would be no struggle.

Luke’s sacrifice is a perfect ending for his character. His story in the first three movies is about him constantly being an underdog who had to overcome monstrous adversity all on his own. It makes sense that his final victory is overcoming the demons inside of him. 

Plus, The Return of the Jedi saw Luke confronting his fear of turning evil through his confrontation with Vader. This movie has him confront his fear of being a failure through his confrontation with Kylo. 

Luke’s story in this film is basically just Peter B. Parker’s story from Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse.

Both films work as celebrations of these heroic ideals by showing a character who has fallen out of love with these heroic ideals. However, a young and idealistic hero shows them the power of hope, and they eventually embrace heroism. 

Anyways, let’s move onto the third big subversion of the film: Kylo killing Snoke. You see, Kylo does have his own arc. Kylo’s arc is about the fact that he doesn’t like being told what to do. That’s why he rebelled against Luke in the first place. Rey tries to convince him to become a good guy, and when he kills Snoke, she thinks she succeeded, but he just killed Snoke because Rey made him realize how much Snoke was controlling him. 

This puts Rey’s idealism to the test. However, she then sees Luke sacrificing himself to defeat Kylo, and this shows Rey that she was able to save someone.

The final conclusion to Rey’s story is nice. Despite everything, Rey is still hopeful. Sure, she’s learned that sometimes things are shittier than she thought, but she still has the hope to go on. Also, despite everything, despite the fact that Kylo is still evil, she’s still fighting! That’s cool! That’s heartwarming! It’s triumphant! However, this all works because the characters went through hell.

I will admit, this is a rather miserable movie. However, it’s miserable for a reason. It’s so that it feels nice when the characters are still hopeful at the end. Like with Poe! He screwed everything the fuck up, but he’s still willing to try to be better. That’s nice! That’s a good message to tell kids. 

Now, let’s return to Kylo killing Snoke. The problem that many people have with Snoke dying is that they never explained who he was. But how would they have done that? Also, what purpose would that serve?

Snoke being Darth Plagueis would be pointless. The characters don’t know who he is. I guess I would have liked it if he did something important before his death, but I’m not arguing this 

movie is perfect.

Speaking of problems, all of the characters outside our main 6 are just chess pieces. The actions of Admiral Holdo and Leah and Hux don’t make much sense, and it’s a bit distracting. I think the writers did realize that, and I think that might be part of the reason why they didn’t kill Leah off. Her not dying didn’t make any sense in the context of the story, but if she didn’t get any interesting character stuff while Luke and Han did, then it would be unsatisfying. So, they decided to save the interesting stuff for the final movie.  Of course, in the end, she didn’t get any interesting stuff. Whoopsies!

Another issue people have is the plotline with Rose and Finn. Yeah. It does drag on a bit. The fault does not lie in Rose, who I think is a cute character with lots of personality.

She hadn't really seen anyone like her in this universe, and there was a lot of potential there that this movie set up.

However, the problem with this arc is that it messes with Poe’s storyline. You see, with Poe, there’s a feeling that they are running out of time, but having Rose and Poe go somewhere else and spend all this time there kind of ruins that.

The film also has a unique pacing to it, not bad, just unique for this series. Each of the three plotlines have their own climax: Holdo flying the ship into the star destroyer, Kylo killing Snoke, and Finn and Rey getting off of the casino planet.

However, after that, the salt planet then serves as a way for these three plot lines to collide in one giant climax. It is quite satisfying to watch.

But, like, this is just the script. What about everything else?

Well, every actor is giving two hundred percent. Adam Driver kills every scene he’s in by bringing an animal passion and a human empathy to his character. Oscar Isaac embodies everything about Poe perfectly. Mark Hamill manages to sail through a frick ton of complexities and internal struggle with ease. 

The other actors are also giving it their all.

This film also looks great. That scene with the ship running into the star destroyer was awesome. Did it make one hundred percent sense? I guess not. But who cares? What’s important is that it looked awesome. Also, not having any sound was extremely clever. I suppose there is a problem with this being the awesomest moment in the movie since there are like, 45 minutes of screentime after this. 

However, the set piece after this is also pretty awesome. The salt planet that bleeds is the coolest idea ever. It looks awesome and is a great place for a final battle. Plus, it’s always a relief to see an alien planet which actually looks alien, and having it “bleed” allows them to add a sense of carnage despite the PG-13 rating. 

Honestly, I think that planet might be the coolest looking planet in all of Star Wars? Other than that, we have desert planet, forest planet, ice planet, and swamp planet. 

However, the thing with Rose crashing her ship was infuriating, however, because it’s such a stupid thing for a character to do. I understand she was in love with Finn, but it’s still stupid. Whatever.

What I’m saying is this movie is great at spectacle, which is half of these movies. Plus, it has more style in its visual language then any of the other prequel films. It’s colorful, with some fantastic looking locations, and it also uses shadows and light really well.

The fights are also very fun, as many of them have a lot of different moving parts but never manage to be confusing. They can feel overwhelming and chaotic, but we still understand where the characters are and what they are doing. There’s also a great sense of scale in a lot of scenes, particularly the opening action sequence. The camera in this film is moving a lot, and it gives the action scenes a really great energy. Rian Johnson is also great at establishing a sense of stress. There are multiple scenes, including the opening action sequence, where characters are in situation that are straight up *stressful* in how everything is going wrong at once , and we feel their anxiety.

However, the score is rather lackluster, as it’s basically just the scores of all the previous movies blended into a smoothie. But whatever.

Anyways, in conclusion, The Last Jedi has many flaws, but it makes up for them with some fantastic character work, interesting themes, and a great visual style. It good.

[heinrichveras]

5 YEAR OLD ME,

Five years old can be a really fun age! Your child loves to play and is extremely imaginative. They still feel little and adorable, but they are becoming quite the conversationalist, and their ability to pick up new information and ask thoughtful questions will seriously impress you.

This age isn’t without its ups and downs. Five-year-olds are still learning to regulate their emotions, so meltdowns happen from time to time. Still, your child is moving toward becoming more mature, and is able to do big kid things like going to school, and brushing their own teeth. Your child’s language skills are really exploding at this age. “Five-year-olds are fluent talkers,” says Molly O'Shea, MD, official pediatrician of Goldfish Swim School. “They use pronouns correctly, recognize colors, and understand and use direction words like 'over,' 'under,' and 'next to. this age love to recount the things that happened to them during the day, and can recall details from hours before. They are also able to carry out more detailed directions than they did before, a skill that will help prepare them for kindergarten.

3 YEAR OLD ME,

In 3-year-olds, growth is still slow compared with the first year. Most children have become slimmer and lost the rounded tummy of a toddler. All children may grow at a different rate, but the following is the average for 3-year-old boys. Speech development is very exciting for parents as they watch their children start to speak clearly and interact with others. Every child develops speech at his or her own rate, but these are some of the common milestones in this age. Children may progress at different rates, but these are some of the common milestones your child may reach in this age group and Understands size differences such as big and little, Counts up to 4 objects by 4 years old. And says full name and age may have fears of certain things. For example, dark, monster under bed, and going down the drain. Attempts to solve problems remembers certain events Can point to the correct picture when asked a simple question about it.

1 YEAR OLD ME,

During the 12 months between ages 1 and 2, you'll watch your baby start to become less like an infant and more like a toddler! You'll witness a physical transformation as your 1-year-old begins to master new motor skills that help them gain a bit of independence and you'll likely begin to see their unique personality emerge.

"You are stepping into a beautiful but also challenging time," says Victoria Tenenbaum, a board-certified behavior analyst who holds a bachelor’s degree in education and a master’s degree in applied behavior analysis. She adds that babies learn from their environment, and parents and caregivers are the role models that they observe and follow in order to learn about the world around them. Knowing how to set boundaries, encourage positive behaviors, help them explore their environment, and let them get a little messy every now and then will help you enjoy this transitional phase to toddlerhood.

[kariuann]

When He's Gone

huhuhu i love you all, thank u for supporting this series

idk how many parts this is

but I will complete this

warning: cusses, usage of alcohol

synopsis: Lucifer undergoes several changes after the argument, and when Mammon goes missing, his brothers try to find him.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

“Ya wanna know why I’m doin’ all of this, DEAR brother?!”

“It’s my fucking sin, dammit!”

“Ya made me like this, DEAR brother!”

“I SHOULD’VE NEVER FOLLOWED YA!!”

“…!”

Lucifer sprung up from his deep slumber as his mind recalls what his younger brother said. He grunts as he looks up from his window. It was still too early to wake up.

Since then, Lucifer has been a mess.

Every single night he would have the same nightmare, and he would have great difficulties going back to sleep once again. That caused his form to be much more disheveled than what he tries to maintain, and by then he became a lot colder to his own brothers. The others couldn’t even find it to themselves to join him in meals, except for Beelzebub.

He was much worse at RAD, too.

He became the last one to attend to meetings, he kept glaring to everyone he would meet, and the demons surrounding him were beginning to flee once they saw him, in fear that he would try to kill them on the spot. Barbatos, being the observant he is, noticed this drastic change as soon as it started, and he would always report it to the young master.

The purgatory hall members were starting to get a little concerned, too. One time, they held a private meeting alongside the other brothers. It was then that they found out the cause of all this.

“Where’s Mammon?”

The brothers were silent once Simeon asked. Mentioning his own name sparked their memories of what happened that day, how Mammon finally lashed out on his own brother. Finally, Asmodeus spoke.

“We haven’t seen him in days.”

Silence then followed afterwards, growing heavy as minutes pass.

“We don’t know where he went, or what’s he doing right now… I’m starting to get worried…”

It was clear to the purgatory hall members that whatever happened on that day made a huge impact to the others, seeing as Beel would eat much less and Asmo would grow dark circles under his eyes. Barbatos opted to tell them the cause, which they managed while trying to hold back their tears.

“It was all my fault! If I hadn’t insulted him so many times already this would never happen!” Levi broke, choking into sobs. Satan tried to calm him down.

“It’s not just you, Levi. I, too, admit that I am part of what happened…”

“Still, though, where did Mammon go?”

It was decided that they look for the white-haired man, with Diavolo granting them permission to cut classes. They tried to look at every place he would go, to all the casinos, Ristorante Six, they went to almost every part of Devildom but there was still no sign of him. Seeing as it’s already late in the night, they decided to retreat for now.

Back in the House of Lamentation, inside his room, Lucifer was observing his brothers return from their search. Holding his bottle of Demonus, he walked towards his scattered paperwork and turning up the volume of his cursed CD player. He could only watch as his pride stops him from doing anything.

“I should’ve NEVER followed you!!”

“Aaaagh!”

Sounds of shattering glass could be heard across his very messy room. Puddles of Demonus could be seen everywhere, staining the papers beside a very sober inhabitant. He could only wince as Mammon’s voice keeps ringing on his head.

Guilt was starting to swallow him, pain continually growing inside his chest. But he knows it was nothing compared to what Mammon suffered almost every day. He feared that he would lose another member of his family, an important member he’s so fond of since his times in Celestial Realm, and all of it was his fault.

It was high time his pride shattered.

Where could Mammon be? If his brothers couldn’t find him anywhere, then where was he? Well, there was still one place the brothers didn’t check, and that was the place where they all fell. In there, Mammon bawled his eyes out to the point that he was having a hard time breathing. At one point, he passed out.

But when he woke up, he realized where he needed to go. To the only place where he could be safe, where he could feel that he was loved. The human world.

There were ways of getting there, and he was not about to walk all the layers of Devildom. He would use the old method he usually does when witches would call him, and he wants to see you so much that he thinks it’s the only way.

Though prohibited, he was to break rules once again.

As soon as he got there, he heaved a sigh of victory. He thought that if he were to be in your arms again, he wouldn’t have to go back to the Devildom and face his brothers. Even if he was forced to go back, he would try to make a way to come back to you. You were his soulmate, his lucky charm, his treasure. He would never allow anyone to stop him from reaching you.

You were on the balcony one night when a crow fell right on your head. Thinking it was another of Mammon’s familiars, you quickly headed inside to write a letter.

“Y/N!”

“Mammon?!”

There he was, your first guy, sobbing into your arms.

You tried to calm him down by stroking his head, just like he loved it back in the Devildom. You never saw him tremble so much and cry so much, and when he started to calm down that was your moment to strike.

“What happened…?”

“L-Lucifer… He…”

He tried to answer as he held back sobs. The pain was just too much for him to bear.

“Why don’t we head outside? Have a little walk?”

As much as he wanted to rest with you, he didn’t have the energy to refuse. He quickly wiped his tears and brought his trademark shades to cover his puffy eyes. Both of you walked slowly hand in hand, content in the peace surrounding you both. Mammon knew it was the right thing to come to you, you really know how to make him feel better.

You both sat by the cold, grassy ground in a nearby park, and from there you could see the view of the city lights. You tried to divert Mammon’s attention to something else, and both of you had fun talking random stuff into the night.

When it was time for you to leave, you both turned around to see three figures standing in front of you. All were familiar, and all were looking at the now trembling white haired guy. One person in particular glared at him straight, with black hairs into a mess you’ve never seen before.

“Found you, dear brother.”

Part 3 coming soon!

Taglist: @obeythebutler @huaxxian @simping-hours-are-24-7 @kamiaka @breezethroughthesummertrees @sufzku @its-evelyn @garnetashblurb @raissatajra @undertaker-02 @strwbrryxprtzl @mammonangstsquad @thedum1

[rezzyromance]

Maybe if you have the time could you do a part 2 to the heisenberg diary one? It's really cute :3

Absolutely! Ask and you shall receive!

(If you are looking for Part 1 you can find it here. Thanks.)

Part 2 Of Karl finding the readers diary

(CW: Sex) NSFW +18

Hey guys! So many of you requested for a part 2 and honestly it made my day. As someone who doesn't write smut often, I am definitely not well versed in all the different "types". That being said, I'm definitely not confident enough to tackle male on male sexual scenarios yet. I try to keep all of my stories gender neutral unless asked for differently, but I have no clue how to write gender neutral sex. With all that being said, the sex that happens in this story will present the reader as someone with female anatomy. I'm sorry if this isn't what some of you were looking for. I will be writing sexual stories in the future where the reader is male, but I'll need time. So sorry for the inconvenience and I hope this doesn't disappoint.- R

After you were sure Karl was far away from the door, you run to shut it, feeling ashamed of your secret being found out. You almost feel like you could cry out of embarrassment. You let out a sigh and begin to get dressed in the clothing he previously grabbed for you. Once you're dressed, you curl up on the bed and try to gather your thoughts and emotions. Obviously he wasn't upset about your feelings. So, does that mean he doesn't hate you or think of you any less? What does this mean for your future? Can you even look at him after this? You groan and shove your face into your pillow.

Meanwhile, he was in his workshop, grinning ear to ear. He wanted to keep teasing you, seeing how far he could push you, but at the same time he didn't want to genuinely make you uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was to drive you away, especially now that he's starting to feel strange. Could he possibly be falling for you too? He ignores this thought and begins to work on a new project, a gift for you.

A few hours go by and you haven't left the bd. You hear a knock on the door and stay silent, still embarrassed about the whole situation. The door slowly opens and Karl peaks through. "Hey.. wanna talk?", he asks awkwardly. "No." "Good because I'm shit with words.", he opens the door completely and begins to walk towards you with a hand suspiciously behind his back. "Did you come in here just to fuck with me again?", you snap, sitting up and resting your back against the headboard. He smiles at your attitude and sits beside you on the bed. "Well, I'm very tempted to. But, I came here to give you this.", he moves the hand behind his back to the front, handing you a gift. It was a little metal figure of your favorite animal that he just made.

You take it into your hands and hold it, gazing upon every detail. Why would he make you something so nice? Especially after he learned how you felt? Could this be some type of confession on his part?

You hold the little metal animal close and and look up at him. He was staring at your face the whole time, analyzing your reaction. A smile slowly formed on your face and you move forward, wrapping your arms around his neck as you hug him. This caught him off guard and his mouth slightly gapes open. Positive physical contact was a foreign concept to him, but he loved it. He moves a hand and places it on your back. "Thank you so much, Karl. I love it." "No problem, Buttercup."

Your face grows so hot from the sudden new nickname that he can feel the heat radiating off of you. You pull away and he chuckles at your blushed face. "You're so easy to make flustered." he says. His words make you cross your arms and look away. "Oh shut up!", you hiss. His face doesn't change from its usual smug look. "Why don't you make me?", he hums. You snap your face towards his, shocked at his boldness. "I know you want to. In fact, I know you want a lot more than just that. You made it pretty clear in those pages. So tell me (Y/N), is it true? Do you really want me that badly?"

You feel as if you've stopped breathing. You're frozen in place, stuck in the middle of wanting to kiss him and wanting to slap him. Your silence only makes him smile bigger as he watches you grow more and more flustered. "You don't have to be shy. Though it's really cute that you are.", you watch as his gloved hand extends towards your face, gently gripping your chin between his thumb and pointer finger.

He leans in closer, almost grazing your lips with his. His eyes are fixed on your red face, burning into your soul. "What do you want?", he hums. You can barely hear him over the sound of your own heartbeat. "I want you.", you finally whisper. "That's what I thought.", he grins and breaks the distance between the both of you by placing his lips to yours. You don't fight it and instead lean into it, intertwining your fingers in his hair eagerly. You feel him smile against your lips and his hand moves from your chin to your waist, causing you to flinch under his touch.

He pulls away but keeps his face close to yours. "I take it that you're not as pissed as I thought, right?", he snickers. "No I'm still pretty pissed at you." you say as you try to stifle a smile. "If that's the case then you must want me to just get up and leave you alone.", his body begins to shift away and you grip onto his coat. "Wow you're even more needy in real life than you are on paper." You tug on his coat harder, signaling for him to get closer.

He responds by taking his coat off completely and throwing it to the side. With his back now to the headboard and his legs outstretched in front of him, you crawl over to him and straddle his lap. You look at his face and begin to rub your thumb over the scar on his lip. The scar you had mentioned as your favorite. He goes to kiss your finger, but you move it away. "Aw come on. I won't bite. Even if you feel like I'm the predator to your prey.", he teases. "Shit, he really did read my diary huh.", you think to yourself. He could tell what you were thinking as your face grew more and more flushed. "Now don't get all embarrassed on me now. The fun's just getting started. After all, all you want is me, right?", he places his hands gently on your lower back, slowly lowering them towards your ass as he scans your face, making sure you're still okay. "You're quoting it like it's scripture.", you smile. "They might as well be. Good words to live by."

You smile and place your hands on his shoulders, leaning over to kiss him once again. While you were still nervous, you decided to let a little of your anxiety drift away as you grow more and more comfortable. You begin to unbuckle his pants and pull on his shirt, untucking it. He pulls away from you to help you out and completely removes his shirt, throwing it close to his coat. The kiss resumes as you fiddle with the button of his pants, finally unbottoning them.

Suddenly, he grips your waist and tosses you lightly to the side. He gets off of the bed and pulls you closer to him with your legs, causing you to squeal. An idiotic smile is plastered across his face as he unbottons your pants effortlessly. His fierce eyes had a glimmer in them that caused goosebumps to rise all over your skin. Soon, your pants are completely pulled off. He pulls your legs again, causing the lower half of your body to be dangling off the side of the bed. You wrap your legs around him and he leans down, placing messy kisses across your neck. Breathy moans leave your lips as you feel his bulge sit against your now barely clothed privates.

You look up at the sight in front of you. You could see each and every scar that laid on his skin in so much more detail than before. He watched your eyes wander around his body and felt his pride somehow grow stronger as you grew more and more flustered. With one hand, he begins to rub one of your thighs, with the other, he slides up inside your sweater and begins to fondle your breast. He made sure to show some extra attention to your nipple, using his rough and calloused fingers to play with it as you squirmed and whined. "Alright. Enough fucking around.", his hands leave your skin. All it took was a second for your body to miss his touch. Now, his hands were fondling with his pants, unbuttoning and removing them.

The sight you were met with was intimidating. You lifted your head up and swallowed anxiously. His bulge was so big you could almost see the details of his cock as it was pressed against the fabric of his boxers. The tip was peaking out from the waistline, leaking a few drops of precum. You clutch the sheets beneath you in anxious anticipation. He takes a few steps to go back to his previous position of entanglement with you. Even though he didn't have to take many steps, maybe 3 or 4 at most, he walked with a confident stride that both terrified you and brought a smile to your face.

"What's with the grin? You want me to fuck you that bad?", he moves his hands back under your sweater and begins to grope each of your breasts. You nod, too flustered and shy to verbally say yes. "Aw come on. That's all you got?", he leans forward slightly to place his hand on your throat, applying pressure to each side of your neck. "I want to hear you beg for it.", he begins to rub his bulge against your soaked panties. Your legs twitch slightly as you stumble on your words. "Pl-please...", you manage to say. "What do you want?", he squeezes harder, enough to cause your body to tense up but not enough to actually cause any harmful lack of airflow. "I want you.. to f-fuck me... please..", you say. "Good girl.", he lets go of your throat and begins to pull his boxers down to his knees.

You take a deep breath as you feel his tip graze your entrance. Suddenly, your breath hitches as your whole body is pulled towards him, causing you to take almost all of him in at once. You gasp and he looks at your face, making sure your pleasure was overpowering the pain. Once he knows for sure that you're okay, he pushes the rest of him in. With his dick now fully lubricated with your wetness, he grips your thighs and begins to pound into you.

You grip onto the sheets for dear life as you feel him stretch you. You can hear him grunting under his breath with each thrust. His movements were brutal. You felt like you could feel him in your stomach, intruding on your organs as they tied in knots. Without stopping, he leans down again to nip at the skin of your neck.

You whimper under his teeth, knowing he plans on leaving marks for you to discover later. "You like this? Is this what you fantasized?", he switches in between kissing and biting all over your neck. "Mhm", you whimper. His face moves lower, traveling to your breast. He begins to nibble at your sensitive nipple. You wrap your arms around him and respond with a loud moan as you dig your nails into his back. He winces, but enjoys the feeling.

He continues to restlessly pound into you. The air is filled with moans, whines, grunts, slurred swears, and the sound of your skin slapping against his. He moves his hand in-between your legs, placing his thumb against your clit. This simple action alone is enough to make your whole body jolt. He continues to rub it, watching and listening closely to figure out what works best on you. He sticks to whatever makes you scream the louds and grip onto him the hardest. Your body shakes beneath him as it is overstimulated with pleasure, close to reaching it's peak.

He abrupt stops and pulls out. Before you begin to complain, he makes his way onto the bed and sits up, wiggling his fingers breathlessly to signal for you. "Come here.", he says. Once you're in reaching distance, he grabs you by the arms and pulls you closer. You sit down on his cock, dying for more. You both moan, nearly harmonizing as you take in his girth. "Bounce on it. I know you want it.", he says. You do as he says and begin to bounce up and down, feeling your walls squeeze onto his hard, throbbing erection. "Aw fuck yeah.", he moans and lays his head back, closing his eyes tightly as you use him to fuck your brains out. He opens them again to look at your boobs. It's almost hypnotizing to him the way they bounce. "Aw fuck.. look at you.. so desperate to cum.", he says in-between deep, breathy moans. "Bouncing on my cock like a good little whore. Show me how much you want it.", he slaps your ass hard. You pick up the pace after gasping from his harsh hit, your ass cheek stinging from where his hand struck.

He leaned forward and began to bite on different parts of you boobs, leaving soon-to-be hickeys all over your chest. This makes your knees weak. Your legs shake as you struggle to continue to ride out your high. You could tell by the way that your insides burned and ached that you were so close to cumming, but you were even closer to running out of steam. He could see your struggles, so he decided to help out. He grips you harshly by the hips and begins to thrust upwards, slamming right into the spot you so desperately wanted to be touched. To be obliterated. You threw your head back, so filled with overwhelming passion that your moan came out completely silent. "Come on. Cum all over my dick. Just like you always wanted.", he says between gritted teeth. You tangle your fingers in his hair and begin to tug on his silver locks. While it does hurt, he loves it, and continues to pound into your sweetspot.

"F-fuck I'm gonna ...c- cu", you can't even finish your sentence before you gush beneath him. Your legs shake violently as he continues to pound into you. Soon, he cums aswell. He loosens his grip on your hips and you begin to rise off of his dick. You're so shaky that you can barely move, so he wraps one arm around your back and gently places a hand behind your head, laying your face down on his chest. "Just rest for a sec." , he says while panting. You nod and lay down as he says. You were both hot and sweaty, but your skin felt perfect against each other. After a few seconds of you both catching your breath, he raises your hips up, letting his dick fall out of you and onto him. He then lowers you back down and continues to hold you.

"So.. will you be adding a new chapter to that little book of yours tonight?", he chuckles. "...fuck off.", he smiles at your response and places a kiss on your head. "Will things... be different between us now that you know?", you ask, nervous about how he'll react. "Well.. I think they will. But if we get to do this more often then I don't mind." You then hold each other for what feels like forever. Melting into each other and your newly mutual feelings.

[folkloreguk]

🍒Cherry Ice Cream🍒

A/N: Happy July! I planned this almost a year ago and finally got around to writing it...I hope you like it! As always, I appreaciate feedback a lot! Hope everyone has a lovely day <3

pairing: optional bias (male) x reader (gn)

words: ~ 3.7 k

genre: fluff, comedy, lifeguard!bias, reader is the most awkward and chaotic person ever (are we at the public pool or the circus?? seriously I’m so second hand embarrassed for her lmao), bias is the hottest man in existence, the universe has something against the reader apparently (rip)

PART 2 (nsfw, both parts can be read independently)

You approached the front entrance of the public swimming pool. Everything was still going by plan. Ever since the weather had gotten warmer, you’d had swimming on your mind. And every single person in your life had been made aware of it. Despite the friendly asking and the occasional begging, you still hadn’t found anyone to accompany you to the public swimming pool. You had heard all the reasons: Work, already planned vacations, a sick pet, a hatred of water, a hatred of people, you name it. After all the searching you had come to the conclusion that you were tired of waiting. Nothing could possibly rob you of your excitement about swimming pools. You’d go alone and have a wonderful time. It would be a relaxing day with loads of time just for you. So you had told yourself. But let’s face it, nothing could have prepared you for the utter chaos you were about to walk into.

It began before you had even set both feet into the facility. Your steps were light, and you beamed, ready to enter after you had paid. The strap of your sports bag had caught in the turnstile in the entrance area. Stubborn as you were, you yanked on it, instead of turning around and manually freeing the fabric from the steel contraption. You had put your entire weight on the line, tugging and pulling, when the strap finally came loose from the turnstile. As expected from such antics, you tripped and struggled in your flip-flops, blundering into the compound like a baby giraffe walking for the first time. By the time you tried to compose yourself to look cool and relaxed after such a mistake, you noticed him.

He, who looked like a Greek god blessing you with a visit on earth. He was all tan skin, red life-guard swim trunks, perfectly sculped shoulders, pushed back hair, a smile that put the sun to shame and sunglasses sitting on top of his head. Instantly you thanked yourself for not seriously injuring yourself. The young godman crossed the lawn, presumably to take his seat by the pool, watching out for the visitors. Only he made it look like he was strutting on a runway at Paris fashion week. All you could do was pray that he hadn’t seen you entering his workplace headfirst like some impatient six-year-old.

As people passed you, you realized you were standing in the same spot where you had almost fallen a minute ago. Manifesting that this was just the silly beginning to a perfect day, you paraded into the shaded grassy area to find a spot to set up your things. Countless groups of friends, families, and lone visitors like yourself had already settled down, but you managed to find a fine spot. It was the superb balance between sunny and shady and not too far from the swimming pools and water slides. In seconds you had shed off your clothes to reveal your swimsuit underneath. Although you could barely keep yourself waiting, you decided it was best to stay there a short while before you threw yourself into the waves. Just until the sunscreen had absorbed into your skin. Meanwhile, you would unpack the catchy book you had recently begun to read.

Now and then you raised your head and peeked at the cute lifeguard. You seriously had no intentions of coming across like a creep, but you couldn’t stop yourself. The way he patrolled the side of the large pool had more coolness than the prettiest shot of a hot movie star in a film. You allowed yourself a few seconds, then you’d go back to your novel. The sounds of summer floated through the air – children laughing, water splashing, birds chirping above you – and the scent of the sunscreen catapulted you straight on cloud 9. It felt like your own small piece of paradise. Little did you know, the universe had so much more in store for you.

You hadn’t been buried in your book for even 10 minutes when a group of kids ran by. They were passing a water ball from one to the other and giggling uncontrollably. You saw it coming in your peripheral vision but had no time to react. As they had reached your level, one of them punched the ball especially hard. And instead of catching it, the dark blue ball bounced off one child’s hands and straight into the side of your face. It knocked your sunglasses off the bridge of your nose, but more importantly gave you the fright of your life. You dropped your book while the children’s mother scolded them from the side. After the initial surprise you couldn’t accept their apologies quickly enough. Anything if it could spare you from even more attention from random guests around you. Impulsively, your eyes searched for the cute lifeguard. But he was looking into the opposite direction. At least fate had saved you from embarrassing you in front of him. The last thing you wanted was to look like more of a clown than you had when entering the facility earlier. But against your expectations, the train of unfortunate events was only beginning.

Surely things would be more peaceful in the water, you had thought. When you finally entered the cool pool, it felt like heaven on earth. Fearing a case of recurrence, you avoided the shallower areas, where the children crowded and went straight for the deeper waters. Finally experiencing some form of relaxation, you swam and dived a few laps around the pool. Now and then you caught a glimpse of the lifeguard on the far end of the pool. Just to make sure he was still there. Just to make sure he’s still as handsome as when you first spotted him. And you weren’t disappointed. Gesturing kindly, he helped an elderly woman find directions to the restaurant on the far end of the site. From up closer, his smile and his jaw were even prettier – even though it had seemed impossible for him to become even more perfect.

After a while, your limbs became tired and you retracted into less busy waters, close to the exit and entrance area of the swimming pool. As you paddled your way through bodies, a bug startled you. It had by all appearances chosen you as its victim, as it took direct flight into your face. Even when you swat it away and turned around to change directions, it kept chasing you and only you. Like some crazy, obsessed stalker, it followed you to the edge of the pool. Eventually, you became tired of running and turned to it. If some random flying beetle wanted to fight you, so be it. To the untrained eye, you might have appeared like a lunatic, fanning the air, and squinting against the bright sunlight. But it was war, and you would square up against the most annoying of bugs. After a while, you realized that you were waving off the air – no more bug in sight. Only then you noted the little girl laughing in your direction from the poolside. You were way too mortified to turn into his direction at first, but when you found the lifeguard, he was conversing with one of his co-workers. Once again, you were safe.

Your next approach at a good time was the colorful waterslide close by. Certainly, these heights would not include micro-aggressive bugs. Instead, they included something far more unsettling. Considering there were toddlers going down the waterslide, you deemed it safe and fun. Your mind changed in the first sharp turn, when you tumbled over and hit your elbow from the sudden change of direction. Maybe you should have just stayed in the ring with the bug instead of choosing this more than violent escape. But it was too late. Once on the slide, you had to make it through to the finish line – more or less in one piece. Your grand finale composed of a semi-somersault off the edge of the waterslide into the pool. Although it wasn’t intentional, you still hoped it looked somewhat graceful to the audience at the bottom. Hint: No, it didn’t. You looked like a baby monkey that had been sent down a self-constructed-waterslide in someone’s backyard. It was a disaster.

Feeling over-heated and exhausted from the sun and your embarrassing antics, you found a drinking fountain by the showers to refresh yourself. Patiently, you waited in the short line until it was your turn. As fate wanted it, the next messy incident wasn’t long in the coming. In fact, it only took four sips of water before you accidentally inhaled some of it. You stepped back, choking, coughing, and gasping for air all at once. A helpful woman showed mercy with you and your awkward behavior and softly pat your back. “Are you okay, dear?” she asked. Unable to speak just yet, you smiled and nodded gratefully. Great. Maybe you should add “clown” onto your previous professions in your CT. By now, half the visitors probably knew who you were – a walking safety hazard to yourself.

After retreating to your bath towel set-up in the shade for a while, you had almost found new hope that the universe wasn’t against you that day. You managed to lie there, for a whole hour, without any issues. But then, slowly, another idea crept up on you. After all, what was summer without ice cream? By chance, you happened to know the little ice cream truck next to the yellow waterslide sold your favorite brand of ice lolly. So off you went, money in hands and wild determination in your head. The visual of the handsome lifeguard lingered in your mind even after you had passed the chair he was sitting on by the poolside. You acquired your ice lolly successfully and ripped the wrapper right away. It tasted like summer in food format, and you reveled in the cold treat for a while, as you strolled back in the direction of your bath towel.

Fully aware that you would have to walk by the insanely cute lifeguard again, you tried your best to look cool, next to the large pool. In your imagination, you were glowing in the sun, hair slightly flowing in the warm breeze and steps bouncing happily. You were the personification of summer bloom and radiating everything good about the season. For a moment, you closed your eyes and actually indulged in the warmth on your face. That was when the next mishap struck.

You didn’t even understand what was happening at first. Someone accidentally bumped into you – or did you bump into them? Upon the impact, you opened your eyes. Your ice-cream had vanished from your hands. Turns out, you had dropped it and it had landed only two feet from you. Out of balance, you stumbled ahead even after the impact. And of course, only a second later your foot stepped directly onto the ice lolly. Inevitably, you skidded and struggled to stay on your feet by means of flinging and waving your arms in the air. As if you were some stranger, trying to attract the attention of an aircraft whilst stranded on a desert island. One thing was for sure, you had everyone’s observance tied to you. With an involuntary but comedic performance of theatrical extent, you fell and hit the water surface.

The cool hit you so suddenly, you had swallowed a gulp of water before your instincts had time to set in. Quickly, your limbs began paddling to get you back to the surface. At that instant, a pair of arms suddenly linked under your armpits and swooped you up from underwater. Your brain processed what was going on. Without a doubt, someone had jumped after you and was pulling you out of the water. Stubbornly, you tried to avoid the idea of the cute lifeguard helping you out. Christ, that would really be the peak of all your embarrassing moments. No, it was probably the person you had run into, or someone who had already been in the water.

When you were placed by the poolside and blinked against the blending sun, your worst concerns came to pass. There he was, so close you could have touched his face. His worried expression changed when you opened your eyes, and he smiled, relieved. “Is everything alright?” he asked. You’d think this would make you into the most shamefaced person on the planet. And yet, all you could wonder was how two people’s genes could combine so flawlessly, so beautifully, to create such a man. When he got no answer from your moonstruck figure, he furrowed his eyebrows in alarm.

“Oh my- my god,” you stammered. “Yes! I’m fine, I’m sorry!”

You weren’t sure why you were apologizing. For worrying him? For inconveniencing him? For causing another scene? Either way, he grinned, and you felt your cheeks heat up terribly. You had to get away from there before something cringy came out of your mouth. Although you weren’t sure there was any way you could have made this more awkward than it already was.

“Make sure you have no injuries, okay?” he asked, helping you up. “If you need any medical assistance, just let me or one of the other lifeguards know.”

“Um…okay,” you said. Wow. That was no way to flirt with the most attractive person you had ever met. With all this drama you had gone through on that day, the universe could have at least blessed you with a romantic, your-life-savior-realizes-he-just-met-the-love-of-his-life moment. But no. The movies really were one massive hoax.

“It’s probably best you take a little break from the surprise, before you go back into the water,” he advised you. “And don’t hesitate to ask, if you need any more help.”

If only he knew how many times you had already tried to take a break from the surprise after everything on that day. You stood on your feet safely but felt like a cat that had fallen into the bathtub. At last, you managed a smile in the lifeguard’s direction. “Thank you.”

Funny enough, the stares people gave you bothered you only slightly as you walked back to your spot under the trees. Maybe you had used up all your embarrassment for the day. Nothing could intimidate you anymore. That meant, whatever happened from now on, it couldn’t get worse. Somehow after the pinnacle of chaos, you finally felt some inner tranquility. You went back to your novel, now and then keeping an eye out for potential water balls coming your way. But everything was calm. As time went on, you lost yourself completely in the story line and forgot about everything around you. Maybe this was all meant to happen. Perhaps it was a message, that you should have waited for your family to have a free day, or for your friend to come back from vacation. Would the same things have happened? There was no way to tell. Just as you reached a specifically exciting scene in the novel, a figure suddenly appeared in front of you. You couldn’t believe your eyes.

“Hey,” the handsome lifeguard stood there, smiling kindly. Wide-eyed, you straightened up and greeted him shyly.

“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you were about that ice cream earlier,” he said. “But then you…lost your ice cream.”

“What an interesting way of saying I stomped on it and made an absolute fool of myself,” you smirked. He chuckled.

“However you want to put it, I thought maybe you could use some cheering up,” he went on. “So I got you a new one.”

He pulled two ice-lollies from behind his back. “One for you, one for me.”

You couldn’t believe your ears. “You bought me this? I don’t want to sound rude… but aren’t you supposed to be looking out for the next victim to repeat my foolery?”

“I’m on my break,” he laughed. His eyes crinkled up cutely when he smiled, and it only made your stomach flutter more. “If you want me to leave, I will. I’m not trying to be weird or obtruding. Just making sure you’re okay, because I noticed you’re here alone.”

“Oh. No! Feel free to stay here for as long as you want!” you said, and now maybe you were the one sounding obtrusive. You scooted over and let him take a spot on your bathmat. You thanked him for the ice cream and gleefully unwrapped it. “My friends and family weren’t available today. But I really, really wanted to come here today. Maybe not my brightest idea.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve seen way worse plunges than yours. You were lucky, really. You got away with a small shock and nothing more. It was pretty impressive, actually.”

“I’m glad I have entertaining qualities, at least.”

“I’m just messing with you,” he laughed. “I’m glad you’re fine. This place gets a little wild during the afternoon, especially on weekends.”

“You don’t say,” you chuckled.

“I recommend coming here in the mornings or late evenings, if you want a little more peace and quiet.”

“Thanks, I’ll probably consider it. Do you work here full time?” you asked.

“No, this is just a summer job,” he said. “It’s great. I get to swim for free and be outside a lot. Not to mention this is one of my favorite places in town.”

“You love swimming too?” you asked and regretted it right away. A lifeguard who hated swimming made no sense, after all. But he didn’t seem to think your words were silly.

“I do! I come here a lot to swim, when it’s not as busy and I don’t have to work,” he said. The thought of seeing him again when you came back in a few days – which you already knew you would – made you feel some sort of way. You had been embarrassed, but his sweet words had appeased you. You could definitely get used to seeing his face all summer long. The two of you talked for some time, while you both finished your ice cream. You learned his name, which was just as beautiful as its owner, and that he thought you had actually looked pretty cute (!) when you fell into the pool. You swore he wasn’t even real. Perhaps he was merely a hallucination, a product of your imagination, to cheer yourself up after your messy day. Either way, your head was up in the clouds as long as he was sitting there, next to you, with his perfect shoulders and charming voice. Soon, he had to excuse himself, though. His break was over and as he had put it, he needed to prevent any more ice cream-murders from happening.

After your conversation, the universe had apparently shifted in your favor. You spent the entire rest of your day without any more misfortunes. Like you had talked to a lucky charm who had done miracles for you, you had a fantastic time. You were even brave enough to face a few more go’s down the ever-so-threatening waterslide. As it got later, more people went home, and just as he had predicted, things calmed down. And you were convinced you would stay until the bitter end. Only when a female voice announced over the speakers that the swimming pool would close in 30 minutes, you slowly started to pack up your things.

As you approached the exit, you scanned the area for your favorite lifeguard. But he was nowhere to be found. You assumed he had already finished his shift and gone home. But as luck would have it, as you neared the bicycle stands to retrieve your bike, you saw him already there. His eyes beamed when he noticed you.

“Wow, you held out a long time,” he said. “Had fun?”

“I did,” you said. You could only be grateful your ice-cream massacre was the sole of your antics he had witnessed that afternoon. Who knew how he would look at you if he had experienced your full chaotic capacity? “Thank you again, for making sure I was fine. And for the ice cream.”

“It was no big deal,” he said. “It’s what I’m here for.”

“To buy random girls ice cream?” you teased.

“No, only the special ones get the ice cream.”

“Define special.”

“To be honest? I was genuinely concerned you would feel down. I’ve seen you almost trip over when you first came in, you got hit in the face by a ball, I’ve witnessed your little quarrel with that bug and your somersault from the waterslide looked pretty rough. After all that you choked on water and then ended up falling into the pool and losing your ice cream. I supposed you could need some serious cheering up.”

Oh my god. If only you could have opened a portal straight to hell, you would have taken the chance on the spot. All this time he had been watching you? It couldn’t get more mortifying than this.

“Sorry, I sound like some creepy stalker,” he said. “I didn’t mean to stare. It’s just you-“

“I looked like a clown in a neon suit?”

“You’re really pretty,” he said. Your cheeks warmed up and you could have yelled out loud.

“But you have to admit, at least the clown part is true.”

“Maybe,” he joked. “Don’t be embarrassed. I thought you were – are – adorable.”

“Thank you,” you managed to say. What the hell were you doing? The most handsome guy was complimenting you. You had to take your chance. “Maybe sometime I could buy you some ice cream too? If you feel like it-“

“I’d love that,” he smiled. It was only the beginning of summer, but it was a glorious one. You already knew it could only get better. Instead of cursing the universe, you had to say your thank you’s now. Without your string of bad luck, things would have never led this way. Perhaps fortune was on your side, after all.

[keilemlucent]

Oh Salem, the panicked Keigo idea just speaks to my mean little gremlin heart. I want to see the guy trained to keep calm and cool lose his shit over losing his s/o. RIP his handlers if they try to slow him down. I want to see the relief when he finds them and the reckoning for the people dumb enough to try. This. This is my bedtime snack.

so this is less of reckoning, more relief. soft. ive been thinking about this a LOT and i feel like <3 poor keigo would be ruined:

heres a wittle drabble for your thoughts 

warnings: kidnapped reader, descriptions that may trigger claustrophobia (light, just a cave setting), insults in a not fun way, hurt/comfort baby

You were so cold.

The ‘cell’ you were in was more of a hovel, a small hole dug into the elaborate cave system you found yourself trapped in.

You weren’t sure for how long. There was no sun, only a guard that came and went with your meager meals and stale bottle of water. He and the other villains that had captured you spit vitriol and profanity like it was their duty to grind their verbal heels against your fragile psyche.

You tried to block them out, curling up in a tight ball against the rough back wall of your cell. Ignorance was better than hearing their profanities. 

The worst part was that you weren’t really sure what was going on. Other than that it had something to do with Keigo, considering you were exclusively referred to as “the number 2′s brain-rotted whore”.

Once again, you tried not to listen. 

...

You awoke to the sounds of chaos. 

Shouting, crashes, explosions--

The walls of your prison shook as you scramble to stand, smashing your head into the low ceiling as you did.

Your vision spun as your staggered to the rusty bars, bracing yourself and hopelessly tugging as you had so many times before.

There was a crash particularly close, bits of debris falling from stone tunnels, frail support beams falling.

No. 

Your blood ran so cold, you couldn’t move. Your body went completely still at the bars as you switched between panic and rage. It wasn’t fair, none of it was, you didn’t even get to say fucking goodbye to him. No last words, you’d been plucked from the street on your commute however long ago.

Keigo had left early that morning too, letting you sleep in with a kiss to the forehead instead of his normal heapings of sleepy, dawn-time affections. You’d been clinging to those sleepy, half-memories as anchor over the days in the cramped caves.

And, in the end, that was all you would have. Cloudy recollections of Keigo’s raspy morning voice as the caves around you began to shift and crumble.

Tears rolled down your cheeks as you tugged at the bars, trying fruitlessly to get past them. Frustration made your hands sweat and fear made them shake as they became littered with small cuts. 

With the next crash, just as close, a vibrant blur of red whizzed past your cell. The shock and gust from its speed sent you jolting back, a hand clasping over your heart.

“... Keigo?” 

You hadn’t even realized you said it aloud. 

Not until the blur, feathers, a bundle of a maybe thirty returned, hovered and spun in front of the bars.

“Keigo?”

The feathers shuddered.

It felt like you were dreaming.

“KEIGO!” 

You practically screamed, jolting against the bars. Though it wasn’t him, not really, he’d hear you through the feathers. One of them spilled through the bars, pressing to your chest and pushing you away as the rest of the warm sharpened and began to beat on the thick padlock.

Something about your bodily state must’ve changed, as the feather at your face moved to under your chin, sweeping over your jaw in a small motions. 

...

Even from afar, Keigo was trying to comfort you.

When he’d felt you on the end of one of the feather swarms he’d sent into the caves, he thought he’d imagined it. The quiet hesitance with which you practically gasped his name was so fucking soft, he almost missed it.

But, he didn’t, thank fucking god.

The villains had been smart, corralling their captives (beyond just you, unsurprisingly. The string of disappearances over the weeks prior had all been linked. There were at least a dozen other lovers and family members of heroes tucked away into the mountain side with you.) 

Hence, it was a whole operation to retrieve you all, with some of the most pissed off, downright enraged heroes leading the charge and preceding investigation.

And Keigo?

He’d been at the front of it. 

HIs PA had to convince him to get a few solid hours of sleep every few days, in an actual bed, rather than on the floor of his office, or one of the many conference rooms the rescue team was occupying. 

He’d been wasting away, quietly, but he hardly noticed. Food was secondary, drinking was a burden, and his other bodily needs were just holding him back. He had a singular goal--

To find you.

He’d torn up the skies and the earth for just a trace of you, after you’d been taken. And finally, he found it, in the side of a fucking mountain, and an operation was launched to get all of the taken back.

Problem was it was a fucking mountain. A cobbled together base for the villains made of old mine tunnels and shafts, and organic caves.

And infuriatingly, Keigo and his wings were too damn big to properly navigate them. So, even if you were found, he wouldn’t be there. He couldn’t be there to tell you that everything was okay.

He couldn’t guarantee your safety by his own hands, and it fucking hurt. 

That being said, his feathers had done a good enough job. 

He could feel your heart hammering as you neared the entrance.

And then Keigo saw you.

...

You stumbled from the blown out opening, a flurry of feathers on either side. The brawl was somewhere else in the cave, shut out from your mind as you followed the tugs and touches of the plumes.

And as you felt the rays of setting sun hit your cheeks, you caught sight of Keigo.

Before you could even open your mouth, and breath the sigh of relief you needed to, or cried his name like you wanted to, Keigo was on you, scooping you up and away from the shuddering caves. 

His grip was so tight, it hurt, but neither of you cared. Your arms had looped behind his head, burying themselves in his greasy hair as you hid your face in his neck. Keigo’s hands were shaking as they held you close to him, not wavering even when you returned to the stable, safe ground below. It teemed with heroes and medics, but no one dared to interrupt or get between the two of you.

They’d all seen how wrecked Hawks had become in pursuit of finding his partner.

Keigo lowered the two of you to the ground, all feathers returning and making his feathers thick and broad once more. They rose and curled around the two of you, sealing the world away.

Your mouth felt too dry as you tried to sit up, but Keigo wouldn’t let you. He kept a firm hand on your hip as he tore off one of his gloves with his teeth, keeping you in place in front him. 

When you tried to shift, he gathered you by your waist and crushed you to him. HIs chest shuddered and his shoulders quaked with the force he was wrapping you, and you returned it all, as much as you could.

“P-please,” Keigo’s voice broke. “I just gotta hold you for awhile, o-okay, Dove? You’re s-safe now. I’ve got you.”

And he did.

You pressed your cracked lips to his cheeks, lungs going tight as you wrestled for one of his clammy hands to hold.

“I-I know,” You sniffled, tears squished between your cheeks. You pressed your interlocked fingers to your lips, choking on a sob of pure relief. Whatever kisses you had planned to grace his knuckles with were swallowed elsewhere.

Keigo pulled your face to his, hands and mouth hungry as he desperately kissed you, finally, nothing like the fleeting ones you both clung to while cruelly apart. It was messy, sloppy, but ringing with sweetness as Keigo sputtered and nipped at your lips.

“’M sorry,” He breathed, barely pulling away before slotting your lips together once more. 

As much as you wanted to reply, remind him that this wasn’t his fault, you words were too gummy and jumbled for anything meaningful.

So, you both settled for touch.

You stroked over each other’s sunken in eyes and dark circles. Keigo nipped at your dry lips, while you tasted the staleness of his breath. His bare hands braced against your back from just under the hem of your shirt,  feeling the deep chill in your skin and the residual dirt and grime.

You finally mustered up some words, the mix of so many needs and desires that needed sating.

“K-Keigo?” You lingered as close as you could, craving the heat and mingling of your breaths. “I-I want to go home.”

His breath caught and his grip got tighter still.

“Can we go home?” You asked, soft and breaking as you fell into the safety of his arms.

“Y-yeah,” Keigo pressed his teary cheeks to the top of your head, letting out a final shaking breath of relief. Keeping his words firm as firm as his touch, he put every ounce of ease that he could offer into his words:

“Let’s go home, dove.” 

[aworldoffandoms]

Love is a Beautiful Thing - Ethan x F!MC

Authors Note:  HI! I’m back (finally) with another prompt ask fic! I know it’s taken too long for this to happen but my laptop battery decided to shit itself and I needed to send it away to get it fixed and now it’s back and here it is! lol. I’m sorry for my mediocre writing with this one but I hope you enjoy, anyway! I apologise for any spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. Prompt is in bold.

AO3 WORK

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC [Nicolette Valentine]

Word Count: 2, 075 (who allows me to write? Oh, me... damnit.)

Prompt: “Not only am I deeply in love with you, you’re my best friend.”

Rating: G

Warnings: Fluff and Ethan and Nic being cute. 

Tag list at the bottom of this post.

Disclaimer: All rights reserved to Pixelberry and all characters belong to them.

*** 

LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

Ethan knew the exact moment that he fell in love with Nicolette. It was on a Sunday, their first weekend off in two months and Nicolette was staying over, her hair up in a messy bun, red hair slipping out of its hold and framing her face in the most delicate way that made her more ethereal when the sun shone on her hair, making it glow like a warm fire. 

He knew he was in love when she smiles, her cheeks and all of her smattered with freckles that Ethan found himself tracing with his fingers at night, following them like a map as they trailed from her nose, down her cheeks to the lower parts of her chest and shoulders and Ethan marvels each time he gets to see them, touch them...kiss them. 

His chest warms with love when she comes home from grocery shopping in an oversized Columbia University jumper that she got at a conference in her second year of medical school, her Adidas stretch leggings that hugged her legs in the most enticing and her long hair a mess around her shoulders, not caring about her appearance in the slightest. It reiterates how comfortable she was with him. This is Nicolette in her purest form and a smile lifts his lips at the thought that Nicolette, the most gentle, kind-hearted and compassionate woman was able to be herself with him in whatever capacity.

Ethan knew he was in love when he finds Nicolette on his couch, tears tracking down her face and a pile of tissues surrounding her, her eyes glued to the television. One glance at the TV and Ethan realises it’s a Disney movie. He should be amazed and somewhat turned off by the fact that a twenty-eight-year-old cries at a Disney movie but in this particular case, a fond smile raises his lips at the sight even when his heart drops at seeing her crying. He never likes to see her cry. He always admires Nicolette when she doesn’t hide behind a facade of what she should be. If she wants to watch a movie from her childhood then she is going to watch it, if she cries then she’ll do it. She is real. She is her authentic self and Ethan has never been more in love. 

Ethan’s in love when he finds Nicolette, sitting in front of his laptop, researching a case they’ve been trying to diagnose one night, her glasses perched on her face, her nose scrunched up in concentration, the light of the screen emphasising the bags under those beautiful blue eyes. She doesn’t know he’s there, himself tucked behind an alcove out of sight. So now, he just watches her do her thing, sift through notes, type on the keyboard. A silent chuckle escapes him when he sees her tongue poking out of her lips, a sure sign that she was in the deepest trance of her concentration. Nicolette pushes back some of the hair that had fallen in her face and Ethan’s fingers twitch to do the same but he forces himself to resist and stay put. He’s more than content just to watch her. 

It’s then that he really knows it. He could watch her do that for the rest of his life if he wanted to and he’d never get sick of it. Pure happiness and joy settle around him like a warm blanket on a cold night and he sighs at the euphoric feeling. He loves Nicolette and he’ll love her for the rest of his days on this earth. 

“I know you’re there, Ethan so you can come out of your creepy hideaway and come sit with me. I need your brain for a minute.” 

Ethan jolts out of his own trance (or perhaps he should say his Nicolette trance) and pads over to the couch, laughing as he does so. 

“‘You need my brain’? That’s a creative and articulate way of saying you need me.” 

Nicolette glances over to him, giving him a flat look before she smiles and shrugs at his words. “It’s true though, I need you for your brain and nothing else right now.” 

Ethan chuckles, his hand coming up to wrap around the back of her neck as he begins gently kneading it, finding a cord of tension there. Nicolette melts into his touch but her eyes are still focused on the notes in front of her. 

“What a shame. I would have been happy to oblige in whatever else you needed from me.” 

Nicolette scoffs. “Please, Ethan. Maybe go grab some water for yourself because I am sure as hell ain’t thirsty right now. I’m researching this case and I need to study for my boards.” 

Ethan ignores the implication of those words (he did know what it meant, he wasn’t a complete tragic) and focuses on what Nicolette was viewing.

“Practice exam questions for IMCs?” 

Nicolette signs, removing her glasses to rub at her eyes. She had been staring at the laptop screen for too long and they were starting to hurt. She sighs as she puts her glasses back on and turns to her boyfriend. “Yes, they are. It’s the third time I’m going to study it today. Can you please help me through them? I need a sounding board right now. I’m sick and tired of hearing the voice inside my head read questions back at me.” 

Ethan’s eyebrows furrow in concern at the lethargy he can hear in her voice and the small droop of her shoulders. He doesn’t want her to burn out but he figures that she’ll continue anyway. She’s as stubborn as him. 

“Okay, I’ll help. What do you need?” 

Nicolette claps and sits back from him, pulling her knees up underneath her and turns so that she’s face to face with him. “Run through some practice questions with me and then we can get some takeaway and watch a trashy movie or something.” 

Ethan chuckles, a fond smile lighting up his face. He finds where Nicolette was up to and begins reciting the question. “Okay. Here we go… A 23-year-old woman with bone marrow failure is treated with a large dose of rabbit anti-thymocyte globulin. Ten days later, she develops fever, lymphadenopathy, arthralgias, and erythema on her hands and feet. Which of the following is the most likely cause of these symptoms?” 

Ethan already knew the answer but he allows Nicolette the time to answer herself. He sees the clocks working in her mind and her eyes light up as she finds the answer. “Is it immune complex deposition in tissues?” 

Ethan flips back to the practice test answers and he gives a nod and an answering smile at her when he finds that she was correct. He would have told her yes straight away but he knew Nicolette enough that she would have appreciated that he goes to the answered section to make sure that she’s correct. 

“Yes, you’re right! Good work!” 

Nicolette cheers with a resounding ‘yay’ as she claps her hands, her face alight with relief. Ethan grins at her enthusiasm because he knows how much succeeding at this means to her. So, it’s there, in the middle of Ethan’s living room, the sun already on its decline where Ethan and Nicolette sit and work through each question of her board exam practice test. 

It's a few hours after that, the inky black night piercing the living room, both of them leaning up against the couch with Ethan chuckling at a particular answer that Nicolette got wrong (and a particularly hard one at that, he wasn’t going to lie) that he realises he’s having the time of his life. It’s these little moments that set his heart aflame, that bring him a sense of contentment. Rightness.  

Ethan can’t fathom a time where he wasn’t having fun with Nicolette and he is so glad that he is in a position to be here with her. She is his closest confidant, a person with whom he can be himself, his best self, opinions, objections and all. A warm smile lifts the corners of his mouth and he says the next words with an air of reverence, of truth and certainty for they were the truest words to ever leave his lips. 

Ethan grabs her hand, his face serious for a moment and Nicolette stops and stares at the utter warmth of his eyes, the blue of them liquid cyan and the admiration on his face makes her breath hitch in her throat.

“You are amazing, Nicolette. You make every day brighter and I can’t honestly imagine walking through life without you. I can honestly, without any reservation, say that not only am I deeply in love with you, you’re my best friend.” 

Nicolette is frozen, her mouth popped open in evident shock but Ethan sees the effect his words have had on her. Her crystal blue eyes shine like diamonds as tears well up in them and he resists the urge to pull her to him. He needs to say this otherwise he was going to burst. 

“I realise it’s not the best time but I just had to say it. I needed to otherwise—” 

Nicolette cuts him off with a kiss, the kiss so strong that he loses his balance against the suddenness of it and falls backwards, both of them sprawled on the plush area rug. 

Nicolette breaks the kiss after a while and just looks at him, her fingers tracing the sharp line of his jaw. Her eyes are shiny and tears are slowly making their way down her cheeks as she whispers, her forehead coming to rest upon his gently, her lips mere inches away from his.

“I can’t study for my boards now since you’ve said that so we’re going to get takeaway. Call for Chinese and I’ll put on a movie.” 

There is a pang in his chest as he hears her words and he can’t help but be disappointed. A part of him was hoping for reciprocation or at least something remotely related to his words. And yet, Nicolette’s mind is different from his, no less fantastically intelligent but different and he realises that she processes things differently from him. Whether it takes her a few seconds, minutes or days, it won’t matter to him. He would wait for her forever. 

He nods, trying to not let the disappointment show on his face and plucks his phone out of his pocket and press speed dial to call his favourite Chinese restaurant just down the main street, a few metres from his condo. 

He’s just staring out at the horizon, his eyes scanning the twinkling skyline of Boston when he freezes as he feels Nicolette behind him hugging him, her head on his back and her arms tight around his torso. He shivers when he feels Nicolette kiss his shoulder, her face buried into him, almost like she wanted to melt into him completely. 

“I love you too, Ethan. I know I don’t say it enough but you’re my best friend and I thank the stars every day that we met.” She squeezes him once more before letting go. “Oh, and don’t forget the Kung pao chicken.” 

Ethan grins and his heart flies out of his chest. God, he loves this woman so much. 

“I would never forget the Kung pao chicken, Nicolette.” 

Nicolette turns to him and gives him a soft smile, her eyes shining with deep affection. “Good. I knew I loved you for a reason.”  

“Oh? Is that the only reason?” 

Nicolette smirks as she makes her way to the cabinet next to the stove where they kept the wine, her eyes alight with mischief as she gives Ethan a wink. 

“A woman never reveals her secrets, Ethan.” 

Ethan laughs, the sound light and happy, a smile on his lips as he orders them dinner. Love is a beautiful thing, Ethan thinks, and he again berates himself for resisting this wonderful feeling for so long. He marvels silently as he stares out at the Boston skyline again, the sounds of domesticity surround him as Nicolette gets ready for dinner and he’s never felt so safe, so calm...so at ease.

Ethan lets out a sigh of contentment. Love is beautiful and if he could have a beautiful life with Nicolette? Well, then... he can call himself the luckiest man on earth.

***

OH TAG LIST:  @senseofduties @polishchoicesfan @princess-geek @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @binny1985 @fanficnewbie @x-kyne-x  @thecordoniandiaries @rainbowsinthestorm @jens-diamondchoices @hopelessly-shipper @my-heart-beats-for-ya @landofenchantedwonder​ @flyawayboo​ @stanathanxoox​ @oofchoices​ @thequeenofcronuts​ @heauxplesslydevoted​ @trappedinfandoms​  @perriewinklenerdie​ @riverrune​ @caseyvalentineramsey @nithya @kaavyaethanramsey @whippedforethanfreakingramsey​ @theeccentricbiblophile @maurine07​ @openheartthot​ @takemyopenheart​ @queencarb​ @drariellevalentine​ @drakewalkerfantasy​ @pixelberrychoicesaddict-blog @starrystarrytrouble​ @buzz-bee-buzz @anything-but-reality​ @doilooklikeiknow​ @mvalentine​ @jamespotterthefirst​ @anntoldst0ries​  @nishas-paradise  @tenaciousdeputydreamfriend @choicesaddict5​  @fireycookie @thegreentwin​

[utilitycaster]

35 and 41 for the campaign 2 ask meme!

35. Vilya, both because I actually picked up on that one and like, I don't think endings should be uniformly sunshine and rainbows but Keyleth deserves that win. Also it just fit together so well with Vokodo and the leadup to the Somnovem/Astral Plane and what we knew about Vilya and it managed to make her still alive yet missing for so long without it seeming force; it was very, very satisfying and intricate storytelling and also Vilya was a great NPC.

41. oh god, first bless you for this and second, so many things but I think I'll elaborate on the one from this morning about lifespan angst because as we all know driving for 7+ hours through the Great Northeastern Megalopolis on the first major beach weekend is very fun and definitely improves your mood, and also because I think I can shoehorn in most other rants into this.

I very much love grief narratives and I think actual play is uniquely suited to explore death and grief precisely because of its randomness; I've made some vague posts about this in the past regarding Molly's death, which absolutely was abrupt and sudden and felt unfair (not mechanically, I should note, just like...the way death sometimes does in life, where you understand what happened and even kind of why and yet that doesn't actually help). I actually felt CR handled that death so thoughtfully and well both initially and over the course of the campaign that I was actively very nervous about the events of episode 140 and how that aftermath may play out. (I was then very pleasantly surprised with Taliesin's choices in 141).

The thing is, I've found I need to sort of pull away from fandom when it comes to death tropes specifically, because a lot of people are understandably uncomfortable with death. My attitude is like "hello I love this in fiction, and I get you don't like it but stop trying to make it okay or happy or even more overwrought or a blame game, just let it happen and be messy. Every day I read the TAZ quote and the Richard Siken quote and every day I'm like it would be cool if anyone actually processed what those mean".

This isn't limited to CR, I should note, nor lifespan angst within CR as indicated above; the only time Dimension 20 discourse has ever irritated me (usually it is both minimal and delightful) is in A Crown of Candy surrounding one character's death in particular. But that's another rant. I have multitudes.

Actually speaking of Keyleth above, that's maybe one of the only cases where lifespan angst actually was really good, because it was indicated to be very important to the character (and notably the character who is living a very long time), said character really did have a ridiculous lifespan, and also she was hesitant about Vax when she thought they'd "only" have 150 years together, and then they had two, and I think she deserves to feel all kinds of ways about that.

But for Campaign 2, which was very specifically left quite open, it just feels off? It's a little less off for Caleb in that Liam did bring it up, but also Essek's the one who will experience it, and he didn't seem to take issue (and I would imagine the Dynasty, and a person from a race that generally lives quite long compared to many others would probably take a different view).

And as for Fjord and Beau having shorter life expectations than Jester or Yasha, I mean...yeah, they do but also, and I know people might not love to hear this, the idea of someone outliving their partner by 20-30 years, vs. over 500, happens every day. Sometimes they remarry. Sometimes they never do. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but this is just such a fundamental part of life that it isn't even fun to angst about for me because like...one of my grandmothers did outlive my grandfather by over 20 years. It feels really fucking weird to bring up a Mitch Hedberg line, that was using to justify drinking a shitload of red wine, in response to an ask meme I wrote that I'm now using to talk about the inevitability of death but he made the joke of "why eat an apple? eventually it will become a core". He also said "the first and the middle parts are amazing!"

I don't want to full-on armchair psychologize but I kind of am, which is I think people are mourning the campaign but talking about character death instead, even though the ending was very much "these people are still out here and have much to do, they have just parted ways with each other and with us, the audience, but they live on". And like, do what you need in your mourning process, but as this is pretty impossible to filter out from the tags, I am going to be grumbling on my own gotdamn blog.

Oh also if you think all of the Mighty Nein are going to get buried in the Blooming Grove, or that Caduceus and the Clays would in fact want that specifically over them instead having thoughtful and personalized plans for their funerals, you were not paying attention to the episode in which the Clays got unpetrified.

[tidalcreek]

helloooo! here are google drive links (pt1 + pt2) to my 4hr cut of the hobbit trilogy :-) specs n more details under the cut!

runtime is 4hr 9m (including about 4m of credits)

all scenes have open captions in english (either screen recorded from hbo or manually added)!!

i didn’t have access to the extended editions for this but i was able to find some of the extended scenes i wanted on yt (hence the portuguese and turkish subtitles on a few scenes which makes it a little messy with the english caps sry!!)

it’s split in two parts so i could get the quality up to 1080p but the parts are not like. two coherent separate movies its just one big guy

i basically did this for one reason which is that the hobbit movies r incredibly nostalgic to me and i love them but i avoided rewatching them for years because i have adhd and i just could not be fucked to watch 9 hours of cgi when i only cared about half of it. so here’s the half!!

this is heavily informed by the tolkien edit! i have my own criticisms of that cut (which is why i made one lmao) but i absolutely used it as a roadmap of what the story could survive without so credit where credit’s due

but forewarning because i made this specifically for my own use it’s very tailored to Me and my favorite parts of the trilogy! im a tiny bit of a tolkien purist bc i love the book very much and for aforementioned adhd reasons i always want these movies to move SO much faster than they do. but if there’s a scene that seems pointless it’s there just bc i like it and if there's a line that's missing for no reason it's just bc it annoys me :) however i Did try really hard to make this a good movie experience bc i have terminal film major disease!

here are the most significant changes i made if ur curious:

in general this cut follows bilbo/thorin/the company’s pov pretty tightly! it’s the part of the story that i personally care about most and it’s where the most coherent and interesting arcs are in my opinion! 

i could not care less for peter jackson’s cgi action scenes so most of of them are trimmed significantly or sometimes just deleted. this especially applies to the orc chase/fight scenes..i simply cannot sit through the full six minute barrel scene again. the big smaug scenes and botfa battle scenes are also especially cut down

gandalf’s dol guldur plot is completely cut (including radagast, galadriel, etc); ive never liked how the extra lore adds such huge All Of Middle Earth stakes to the hobbit (that's not bilbo’s fight and it never was! he didnt know what he was starting when he started it and neither should we!) so i took the tolkien edit’s line on this one. sorry to galadriel but i know what gandalf was doing during dos i dont need to see it 

crimes against the kiliel community: this is my most dudebro tolkien opinion but i have never loved the tauriel/legolas/kili dynamic and they have SOOO many scenes that i Personally just do not want to watch every time. i love the version of tauriel that lives in my brain but i do not vibe w the movie universe >:-( to that end both tauriel and legolas are almost entirely cut and you ARE allowed to hang me in the town square for this. im sad about it

bilbo's prologue scene is moved closer to the middle of the movie rather than introducing that info immediately in auj. i like having the audience find out about thrain and dale only once the company has seen the lonely mountain for the first time! idk if it reads as well as i think it does so lmk what u think!!

iiiii recut thorin’s funeral scene with hozier’s version of the parting glass. this is simply because ive always thought the funeral music was boring and i wanted to have fun! it’s one of the biggest changes i made to a specific scene so pls tell me if u have thoughts....it's at around 1:50:00 of part 2 if you want to skip

there are about 4 minutes of (incomplete) credits because sitting and listening to the last goodbye after botfa ends is a ritual <3

ummm thats it! if you actually watch any of this and you have thoughts please come talk to me about it!! i want to talk to you specifically!!

[elishamanning]

Kramer: "Well, with us... we ask ourselves, how can something like (the Leverkusen game) happen, and we notice our surroundings asking that, we on the inside ask ourselves that, sometimes we come to a weird conclusion, what, do we have two faces? But we only think that because we only look at ourselves. But what do the Dortmunders think, winning 5-1 against Frankfurt, thus German champions obviously, then they lose 2-1 in Freiburg and everybody's thinking, well, they're not that good, are they. Will Bayern show their Supercup face, or their face-against-us, or against 1. FC Köln? The Leipzigers, do they show their Mainz-face or that outstanding show they put on against Stuttgart? These "problems of consistency" when you're a Gladbach fan, or a Gladbach player, you think 'these are Gladbach-only problems', but the others have them as well. It's always a matter of how you handle it and that you don't let it... well, tear you down emotionally. The important thing is to avoid a negative spiral, mentally, because, as everybody who's ever played football will know, in the end the decisive issue is always in your head (((aaaah, that's a bad translation. It's a mental issue, is what he says.))), and it always will be." Knippi: "Completely agree. And by the way, that's not limited to football." Kramer: "Well, exactly. It's not even worth discussing, when you enjoy doing something, when you're positive about it - it's not exactly a brand-new psychological finding - it'll always turn out better than when you're negative about it. So let's not, after the second matchday, tear everything down, and let's not, after the first matchday, praise everything to the heavens." Knippi: "Did you expect that? Becoming professional footballers, all that stuff that comes with it, besides playing football, all that stuff raining down on you?" Neuhaus: "Well, it just happens, it just all happens automatically. In the end, you become a footballer because you have fun playing football, and you don't much think about that kind of stuff that comes with it. You grow into it and you learn to handle it." Knippi: "So you're not actively getting prepared for that? Because in the last podcast you (Chris) said 'that's the guys from the NLZ' So it's not part of your training there?" Neuhaus: "No, it wasn't a subject in mine." Kramer: "Well to be completely honest, looking back, I thought football would be funnier, or at least less serious, and a bit more honest. That's also why I like this club so much, because I know that here at least you get an honest basis, like, I feel understood here, I have a certain relationship of trust to, for example, Max Eberl, but I wouldn't have imagined, without spilling any beans now, that football's such a not-really-nice business. So this is one of the best things here, for me, knowing that I have an honest and trustful basis that can be built on. And I really wouldn't have ever imagined it all to be so grossly serious. Sometimes I think inappropriately serious, because football is such a beautiful thing and when you get to do it as a profession, plaiyng football, there's nothing easier than joyfully going somewhere every day. These are the best conditions to have, the working hours, just turning your hobby into a profession - everything about football is 'geil', but still you get this completely inappropriate seriousness about it making you go, aw, it's tough. That's a shame I think, I wouldn't have thought so when I started out. I always wanted to be a footballer because, well, for one it's my passion, but also I thought every day would just be fun, and I think it should be, and that in the end that would be performance-enhancing, I'm quite sure about that. (laughing, saying that)." Knippi: "What do you think?" Neuhaus: "Always hard to disagree. The gist is we're all playing football because it's great fun being on the pitch. Of course there are always periods when it's a little harder but all in all and especially looking back you always regard things much more positive

than maybe you felt in that particular moment. (I don't really understand what he's saying there), but anyway the positives should always be front centre." Knippi: "What you just said, Chris, the seriousness, I also think it's too much sometimes. For example if a team's not playing well and the people on the pitch get personally attacked/insulted. I get to witness that when I'm down there, and sometimes I think 'what is wrong with you?', like, I get being unhappy when the team that has your heart isn't doing well, being unhappy, or sad, or disappointed, I get that, but not attacking the players personally. Well thank God that isn't an issue currently, and there's no reason why it should be." Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny." Knippi: "Like how?" Kramer: "Well, because we lost 6-1 playing in the snow. I'd say I'm a good player on snow, but, well, Ronny König is the best snow-player on this planet. He (literally he says 'he put four cherries into our basket', meaning he scored four goals... as you probably would have guessed.) So then our own fans, who'd travelled to Aue on a Monday night, threw snow balls at us, and we completely deserved it. And I do think every fan is right, and has the right, to use this outlet, that they're paying money for, to let off steam. Because football, in the end, is entertainment. Only, it doesn't help. What I meant with the seriousness is the whole stuff around it as well. Football is just a game. It's supposed to be fun, but sometimes I think, looking at the newspapers, all the sociopolitical issues, and seriousness... it's still football." Knippi: "Did I just understand you correctly, you're saying it's a fan's right to pelt you with snowballs?" Kramer: "Well... it gets its down dynamic, and it's not too bad. If someone insults me, say, I don't really have a problem with that. I don't take it personally because I don't think it's meant that way. It may not be the right approach and I may not understand their motive, but... that person is angry, they've had a bad week at work, then they come here, and we play badly ("nur hintenrum" - too defensively) so they have a right to...-as a fan, of course, you have to question whether that's doing any good. We've not really had that here in Gladbach and when there were beginnings of it, we had talks with the ultras, and stuff, we're quite close to the fans, so we don't really have that issue here, but you do see it with other clubs, and close friends of mine, they have had situations where I'd really say, now this is too much (I wonder if he's talking of Leon/the end at Schalke here), and that's just not on, but generally, we are an outlet for many and football is entertainment. When you're not being entertained you're entitled to boo. I don't mind. There's just this double standard - look at me, talking again for ten minutes straight (Knippi and Flo laugh), and you have to cut it all afterwards- once again I take ten minutes to get to the point, but you can't - you want to play with a young squad, and they'll make mistakes. You can't boo them. Or you can't say you want to play with a young squad. Very simply put." Knippi: "Tommy Schmitt, your successor at 11Freunde put it quite well there, I thought. It's very counterproductive to boo and whistle." Kramer: "Yes, well, you have to ask yourself, no matter what you do - I mean when you get to the office and everybody's scowling at you, thinking 'what an idiot!', you'll feel that as a person with empathy, like every footballer, and when you're booed, that does something to you... I can promise everybody: booing a player will never make them better, not ever." Knippi: "'Snow-player' you just said. You're not a good 'snow-player'." Kramer: "I'm a GREAT snow-player!" Neuhaus: "They lost 6-1, I don't think he's that great. They wouldn't have lost 6-1, would they?" Kramer: "Well Leon, Leon Goretzka

and I, we still talk a lot about that day. I'd say, Leon and I, we both have these long levers, we really are good snow-players, on a proper layer of snow, like there in Aue. But Ronny König! He's Messi on snow. Awesome, really." Knippi: "Wouldn't it be better to have short legs and a low centre of gravity?" Kramer: "I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, looking at Leon, and myself, AND Ronny König you can conclude the tall ones with the long legs are good on snow." (very scientific, this.) Knippi: "What kind of a snow-player are you?" Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!" Neuhaus: "At 1860 we had astroturf with undersoil heating." Knippi: "Did you ever play on clay?" Neuhaus: "...and anywhere in the stadiums today. There just aren't snow games like that anymore these days." Kramer: "He's from Bavaria, they don't have clay. They just have meadows and pastures, they play on the most beautiful pitches. Here in NRW when you're playing Galatasaray Mühlheim you know what's going down? You know what's going down, playing on clay?" Neuhaus: "I can just imagine." Kramer: "You take two weeks before you can go back to school because your legs - you simply can't walk anymore..." Knippi: "You've never played on clay?" Neuhaus: "No, never." Knippi: "You don't know that feeling when your grazed-open thigh is stuck to your jeans?" Neuhaus: "Yes, well, as a little child I played on the street..." (It goes on a bit yet, but I've already fallen asleep twice and I'm not sure these "translations" are making much sense anyway, so I'll leave it at this, now, alright? Flo played on asphalt, so he knows about open wounds from football. And Knippi claims he's still got remnants of clay in his thigh from decades ago. Hehe. I'll do the rest another time.)

first of all THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH

it's always interesting to hear about a player's mindset

it's really interesting to see how an athlete's relationship with their changes over time. like to have something that was for fun and a hobby turn into your job is a pretty incredible transition. it's something a lot of people experience to an extent, but to have it on this high a level is pretty unique.

Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny."

chrikra???? please??? what is this... snowballs???

i also agree that while fans are allowed to show their discontent, it does often cross a line. idk if he was referring to something like leon's ending with schalke, but that instance of schalke fans chasing and attacking the players is something that definitely comes to mind here. i think i actually draw a shorter line than chrikra here.

Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!"

omg flo please

i do love the idea of chrikra and leon reminiscing about their old games together... my heart

anyway i love this podcast and i hope they do more of it

and thank you again SO MUCH