#disconnection from others and the emotional outbursts from stress

[yappacadaver]

The way he canonically has a dissociative disorder….

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Hello could you do more fics about ballister head injury?(love your worke❤️)

THIS RESPAWNED IN MY DRAFTS HOLY SHIT

I'm so glad you love my work thank you so much for this ask 🩷 sorry it took so long but as I had said in another post, my Tumblr ate it for breakfast and it was disappeared from my askbox and drafts. But it reappeared!!! Please enjoy your very late drabble request <3

Cw: seizures, brain injury

Ballister leaned against Ambrosius, closing his eyes. “You sleepy, Bal?”

“Mhm.” Ballister rubbed his eyes. “I couldn't get to sleep last night. Kept having headaches and weird dreams.”

“That's no good, babe. Try to take it easy today. Do you think it's your head?”

“He just said it was his head, duh.” Nimona cut in. She'd been back for the past couple months, and she and Ambrosius were still getting used to each other. Ballister chuckled. “It's probably fine.” Ambrosius made a worried face.

Eight months ago, when Ballister was on the run, he'd suffered considerable head trauma, several times, one after another after another. The whole thing left Ballister with considerable brain damage in the frontal and temporal lobes especially. It was especially significant in the first few weeks after everything happened, when he was often unsteady on his feet, spoke with slurred speech, struggled with short term memory, understanding rapid or unclear speech, and extreme emotional outbursts where he would be extremely afraid, sad, angry, or happy without apparent cause. He'd also started having seizures at that time. Ambrosius learned to deal with them, but he always hoped each one would be Ballister's last. The doctor said they'd stop eventually, but they never knew when eventually would come.

Thankfully, since then, his brain had healed tremendously. Still, Ambrosius couldn't help but worry when Ballister had anything going on with his head.

“Alright, well, just be careful, okay? Don't strain yourself.” He kissed Ballister's cheek.

Nimona cackled. “Come on, Nemesis. I don't think the boss is gonna let some dumb headache slow him down! He's not made of glass, you know. He's ten percent solid steel and a hundred percent badass!”

“My arm makes up five percent of my weight, Nimona, also it's made of titanium.” Ballister smiled at her.

“See? Even cooler.” She returned to what she was doing and Ambrosius sighed. Maybe he was being a little overly anxious.

But as the day went on, Ballister seemed off. Foggy, distracted, a little bit uncharacteristically emotional or snippy sometimes. Even Nimona noticed, Ambrosius could see the puzzlement in her face even if she said nothing. It all came to a head later that day, they were at a park and they were noticed by members of the public, who started their usual barrage, asking frankly triggering questions and requesting photographs and signatures.

Ambrosius was used to all that, but while Ballister was somewhat accustomed to it, it always stressed him out. Ambrosius managed to fish his lover and Nimona away from the paparazzi and back to the safety of their vehicle.

“You guys alright?” Ambrosius started it up, flying through the airways. Ballister didn't answer, he glanced over. “Bal?”

His lover looked distant, blinking fast, looking around in a haze. “Do you, lemon?”

“What?” Oh shit. “Nimona, take his arm off!” Ambrosius began landing the vehicle in a safe place.

“What?” She looked quizzically from the backseat.

“Now! He's having a seizure, the prosthetic is wired to his nerves and muscle, the electrical signals can make it go nuts!”

Ballister knew a seizure was coming when he tasted lemon out of nowhere. They needed to get it together quickly, he was already having trouble speaking.

Quickly Nimona reached forward and disconnected the arm, and not a moment too soon. Ballister’s face twisted and his head began to jerk, along with his right leg, a rhythmic back and forth motion. Once Ambrosius was safely parked, he grabbed the blanket from the back seat and cushioned Ballister's head, and started a timer on his phone. A car was not the ideal place for this to happen, he wasn't completely sure of the protocol. Ballister was at least buckled, so he couldn't collapse into the dashboard. “It's okay, Bal.” He whispered softly. Everything will be okay.”

Nimona's eyes were wide with terror. After sixty-two seconds, Ballister went still, his eyes blearily gazing in front of him, foggy. Ambrosius stroked his hair. “It's over, love. It's over. You're okay.”

Nimona swallowed. “What happened to him?”

Ambrosius exited the vehicle and came around to open Ballister's door so he could more closely check up on him. He unbuckled him and helped him out of the car, supporting most of his weight. “Nimona, let me lay him in the back, he needs to lay on his side.”

Nimona moved out of the way. “What happened to him?”

Once Ballister was laid safely in a recovery position, Ambrosius sat beside the car and stroked his hair. “He had a seizure.”

“A seizure? I thought you had to be born with those. I've never seen him do this before.”

“He hit his head, a lot, after–” Ambrosius swallowed. “After what I did to him. It all added up, and left enough damage that this happens sometimes. Eventually it's supposed to go away, but we have no idea when. He's okay, he just won't be able to talk for a few minutes. Will you sit back here with him? Just make sure he's breathing okay, and try to comfort him while I drive home. Sometimes he gets a little emotional. You can give his arm back, too.” He swallowed. He wanted to comfort Ballister, but he needed to get them home safely. Ballister could recover better at home.

Nimona didn't seem to know what to do, but for once, she didn't argue. Ambrosius drove home hearing her speak softer than he ever had, in a reassuring voice.

When they got home, they managed to assist Ballister inside. He could now understand speech and get out a word here and there, but he was mostly disoriented and exhausted. Once Ambrosius checked that his breathing was normal, and he didn't have any severe bites in his mouth, he tucked him into their bed and let him rest, setting a timer to wake him up and check on him.

Nimona looked gaunt, she paced the living room.

“Aren't you a thousand years old? I thought you'd be used to things like seizures. This wasn't a bad one, thankfully. He's okay, you don't have to worry.” Ambrosius was a hypocrite. He was extremely worried.

She shook her head. “Not that, I mean, I've seen them before, they're normal, I've known thousands of people– but I didn't realize— I didn't realize someone could hurt their head so easily.” She whispered.

“What do you mean?”

She swallowed. “He got hit in the face with a rock when the Institute blew up. And I dragged him home. And I didn't even try to make sure he didn't hit his head! He was getting smacked into curbs left and right and– and I thought it was funny!” She rubbed her face. “I haven't been close with a human in so long, I forgot how fragile they were, how even something like that– it's partially my fault, don't you get it? I was careless and he hit his head and now he's suffering because of me.”

Ambrosius swallowed. Ballister told him about how Nimona said he'd hit his head on the curb when she took him home, and yes, it had contributed to several in a series of head injuries. He sat on the couch. “Nimona, it's not your fault. I knew about that. The doctor said the concussions hadn't helped, but most of the damage was from the debris, from Todd beating him up, and from when he fell through the stadium floor. It's just– how it is.”

Nimona sat on the couch beside him and sniffed. “You don't understand. I forgot how easily humans can be hurt. How easily they can die.”

“Oh…” Ambrosius looked down. “Well, for what it's worth, I don't think he'd be here at all if it wasn't for you. Humans are weak, but Ballister is strong. He's kind, resilient, and forgiving– I know that better than anyone. He's gonna be fine. Don't beat yourself up.”

Nimona sniffed and smiled at him. “Thanks, nemesis.”

[celestesparlour]

lore: AU where cwilbur stayed in limbo, believing to have been seduced by the abyss; i have this personal hc that cwilburs limbo was created as a testament to his heritage as the goddess of death (mumza)'s son; mumza has been trying to reach out to her son throughout his entire time at limbo but limbo's power strengthened overtime, due to cwilbur's need of "punishment".

in this AU however, cwilbur never got out of that mindset. he now aimlessly traverses throughout what's outside the train station, as he subconsciously expands on the labyrinth of limbo.

i refer to them as limbobur, but i like to think her human name to separate her from the other burs would be pandora ^-^ !!

i also like to think she eventually gets out of her limbo- just now exploring the depths by mumza's side after her attempts at reaching out to him had finally reached him though, but her experiences in limbo would leave him scarred for life.

personality wise- limbobur's more cut and dry, always and straight forward because he doesn't have much space for words; years of limbo torn his ability to speak properly, so they speak either simply or make shortcuts through their echolalia. their knowledge on social interactions and social etiquette in general has long since faded, so they often come off as a bit too blunt on other people, and it's also hard to tell when they're joking since he speaks in a flat voice. they're usually quiet, their eyes searching left to right for what's ahead.

he, most of the time, smiles and laughs- though it's usually never out of genuine mirth, but rather to express fear, stress and nervousness. they often smile and laugh inappropriate situations. with this in mind asides from just their behavior in general, they're easily judged as the heartless type- though that isn't the case. i think he's a very quite emotional person deep down, just has very little to express despite it however. he hardly does, unless he is slightly on edge- their frantic nature becomes incredibly well known,

he has outbursts where he rambles on and on about things until his words just begins to slur in with one another. they also have a bit of a tendency to shake a lot, and get easily overwhelmed by sensory stimulation. whenever this does happen, they have a bad habit of pulling their own hair or clenching their fists so tight. they tend to be quite skittish, and full of anxiety as well as intense self loathing. just a sopping wet cat that isn't very obvious due to the seemingly cold exterior that they never really meant to put upon

he forgets to eat and sleep very often. but whenever they do eat, they're very picky about what they eat. whenever they do sleep, they don't mind sleeping anywhere- even in the most unconventional places like in the bathtub or on top of the lamp. they're very gullible, prone to deception as he would trust anyone but their own instincts. they hate staying around idly, preferring to do something like cleaning even if the room is already clean.

they're bad at functioning as a person in general, but they don't mean harm; they often try their best to be as helpful as they could; they want to be helpful. they despise being useless or not moving around, they fear being an inconvenience more than anything, they chase around for projects and for a purpose to serve; that's the reason why they fell "in love" with limbo in the first place, he had nothing else but limbo, so even when limbo was his personal hell, he clung onto it as its designer and architect.

but they have forgotten how people act, it gets very frustrating for them to understand how people work nowadays. it's one of their main goals to understand people again, in such a way, but he fears that they have already sensed he's far too disconnected; perhaps this is why he's weak to being deceived- it's so easy to, when he doesn't know much about anything, but if you nudge him into "helping you" then he will.

i like to imagine they would get along best with ghostbur who would be the most patient, though i feel like they have multiple instances where they both don't understand each other's tendencies very well, and that creates a lot of situations where they fuck up a lot; l'manbur likes them but whenever they try to help him with things, they end up messing it up really badly. limbobur feels immense guilt over those things, and l'manbur doesn't have the heart to tell them "no" even though he knows limbobur's very job at doing jobs. revivebur is scared of them, because he can immediately see that's who he would have been. they're more prone to doing dirty work for pogbur, who can easily convince them of anything. so does 100pbur. i don't know what their relationship with the others will be, but this is all i thought so far!

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

1 in 10 dads experience postpartum depression, anxiety: How to spot the signs

Subjects surrounding mental health and well-being are being more widely discussed today than ever before. This includes postpartum depression – but not just for women. Studies show that 1 in 10 dads struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety as well. Their symptoms are slowly becoming more recognized, diagnosed, and treated. A mom recently shared the story of her husband’s postpartum depression in The New York Times, and health care providers are encouraging pediatricians to incorporate postpartum depression screenings of fathers as well as mothers during well-child visits. Parents’ mental health greatly affects the well-being of a child. Research has shown that depression in fathers is associated with:

Less attention to baby’s health and well-check visits

Higher risk of behavioral problems in preschool-age children

Children with more physical and mental health problems

Poor family and marital relationships

The stakes are high – fortunately, treatment and support are available when we recognize prenatal and postpartum depression and anxiety in any parent.

Paternal depression can set in before or after birth

As with women, men can experience depression at any time – including before a baby is born.

Women often show symptoms of postpartum depression within four to six weeks after delivery, but signs can appear as late as three months after birth.

A 2019 meta-analysis of studies found that the highest risk of depression during pregnancy for expecting fathers occurred during the first trimester. The study also showed that postpartum depression was highest among men when the baby was 3- to 6-months-old.

A variety of factors can play a role in dad developing prenatal or postpartum depression, including:

Hormones: Research has shown that fathers experience hormonal changes during and after their partner’s pregnancy, particularly declines in testosterone.

Partner’s depression: Up to half of men with depressed partners show signs of depression as well.

Feeling disconnected from mom and baby: Dads want to be part of the newborn experience, but often they feel as if they’re on the “outside.” Moms may not always realize they’re excluding dad from caring for the baby. Or they may be so caught up in bonding with the baby, they fail to recognize dad wants time with the little one, too.

Personal or family history of depression: Any history of depression or other mental illness raises the risk of prenatal or postpartum depression.

Psychological adjustment to parenthood: Becoming a parent requires significant coping skills. This can be overwhelming for moms and dads.

Sleep deprivation: Most new parents underestimate the role a lack of sleep can play in developing symptoms of anxiety and depression. They also often underestimate just how sleep deprived they are!

Other factors that may contribute to paternal postpartum depression include having a colicky or premature baby, financial stress, relationship problems, recent loss or trauma, and lack of social support for parenting, such as not having parental leave at work.

Watch for signs of paternal depression and anxiety

Prenatal and postpartum depression can look different in men than it does in women. Men may experience some “traditional” symptoms – fatigue and changes in sleep or appetite – but they often exhibit fewer outwardly emotional expressions, such as crying.

Common symptoms for paternal prenatal or postpartum depression include:

Anger, sudden outbursts, or violent behavior

Increase in impulsive or risk-taking behavior, including turning to substances such as alcohol or prescription drugs

Irritability

Low motivation

Physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, stomach, or digestion issues

Poor concentration

Suicidal thoughts

Withdrawing from relationships

Working a lot more or a lot less

Anxiety is also common in men during and after pregnancy. A 2021 study showed that 1 in 10 men experience prenatal and postpartum anxiety. In the general population, approximately 14.3 percent of men have anxiety – approximately 9 percent less than women.

Anxiety can cause:

Persistent, excessive worry about life in general

Nervousness or a sense of impending doom

Trouble concentrating

Panic attacks

Symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder

If you or a loved one experience prenatal or postpartum anxiety or depression symptoms that intensify or last longer than two weeks, talk with your doctor about possible treatment options.

Future screening for paternal postpartum depression

Most Ob/Gyns check new moms for depression and anxiety symptoms during a postpartum visit. But there is no such check-up for men.

In 2019, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended that postpartum depression screenings not be solely the responsibility of obstetricians. They urged pediatricians to incorporate maternal postpartum depression screenings and referrals for treatment during well-child visits.

In 2020, an editorial in the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics called on pediatricians to assess the mental health of all new parents, regardless of gender, and to make appropriate referrals when necessary.

Don’t be surprised if your partner’s Ob/Gyn or baby’s pediatrician asks about your mental health during a visit. This evaluation could range from engaging in an informal discussion to filling out the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS), a simple screening tool consisting of 10 questions. Prioritizing the mental well-being of moms and dads is not only good for them, but for the baby.

https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/

[wingsyliveblogs]

It’s time to continue! But before I get back into it, I have a couple of disconnected observations about the episode so far that I’d like to share.

Willow is a very nice, polite, and soft-spoken person, but she’s clearly under a lot of stress from having to study an area of magic that she doesn’t like and isn’t very good at. When she’s around other people, she’s shy and good-mannered, even towards someone she doesn’t like, but when she thinks she’s alone she’s a bit more open about her frustrations - and she definitely has plenty of frustrations. 

I think it says something about how she feels about going to school that she instantly withered the flower she stepped on even when she was trying to convince herself that it would be fine, and that the plants she grew during her brief outburst of emotions were fairly aggressive vines that attacked the nearest person. 

What I’m trying to say is that if this episode ends without another Plant Explosion, I’ll be genuinely surprised. I think Willow needs to stop repressing her own feelings in order to please others, and I think that even if she doesn’t do this voluntarily, there will be a breaking point.

It’s interesting that King is able to pick up on Eda’s insecurity long before she’s willing to admit that she’s insecure at all. From the moment Luz leaves, he’s on her case about it, and even though she initially tries to play it off, her enthusiasm after Luz walks off is definitely forced.

It’s stuff like this that shows just how familiar they are with each other - not to mention their bet history and King’s childish glee over actually winning. The latter also serves as a bit of insight into King’s own personality; while he’s able to recognise how Eda’s feeling, perhaps even before she is, he’s still immature enough to mercilessly reap the fruits of his victory later on instead of making any sort of attempt to comfort her. 

[danielryancotlerpoetry]

In moments of trauma, our minds and bodies instinctively react in various ways as a means of survival. These responses, deeply ingrained in our psyche, are often categorized into four main types: Flight, Fight, Freeze, and Fawn. Each response manifests differently, but they all serve the common purpose of coping with overwhelming situations. Let's delve into each response and explore the behaviors associated with them.

Flight: Flight is a response rooted in the instinct to flee from danger or distressing situations. Individuals who exhibit a flight response may engage in behaviors aimed at escaping or avoiding the source of their discomfort. This can manifest in various ways, such as becoming a workaholic. By throwing themselves into work or other activities, individuals may attempt to distract themselves from painful emotions or memories. However, this constant busyness can also serve as a way to regain a sense of control over their environment.

Additionally, overthinking and excessive planning are common behaviors associated with the flight response. Individuals may obsessively ruminate on past events or future scenarios, constantly seeking ways to prevent or mitigate potential threats. This tendency towards hyperactivity and constant mental activity can be exhausting and overwhelming, yet it provides a temporary sense of security for those grappling with trauma.

Fight: The fight response involves a readiness to confront the source of threat or distress head-on. Individuals exhibiting this response may experience heightened anxiety, panic, or obsessive-compulsive behaviors as they strive to assert control over their environment. They may find it difficult to sit still or relax, constantly seeking ways to stay busy and occupied.

Perfectionism is a common trait associated with the fight response. Individuals may set impossibly high standards for themselves, striving for flawlessness in an attempt to avoid criticism or failure. This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, exacerbating existing anxiety and stress.

Furthermore, the fight response can manifest in outward displays of aggression or anger. Individuals may experience frequent outbursts of anger or frustration, lashing out at others as a means of asserting dominance or control. This can strain relationships and create an environment of tension and hostility, further perpetuating the cycle of trauma and conflict.

Freeze: The freeze response is characterized by a sense of immobilization or paralysis in the face of trauma. Individuals experiencing this response may feel overwhelmed by their emotions, unable to act or make decisions. This can manifest as a profound sense of sadness, loneliness, or feeling stuck in one's circumstances.

Avoidance behaviors are common among those exhibiting the freeze response. Individuals may isolate themselves from others or withdraw emotionally as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings. They may also engage in shutting down emotionally, numbing themselves to their surroundings as a means of self-preservation.

Additionally, dissociation is a hallmark of the freeze response. Individuals may feel disconnected from their emotions or their sense of self, experiencing a sense of unreality or detachment from their surroundings. This can be a coping mechanism to protect oneself from the pain of traumatic experiences, but it can also lead to feelings of confusion and disorientation.

Fawn: The fawn response involves appeasing others as a means of avoiding conflict or harm. Individuals exhibiting this response may prioritize the needs of others over their own, engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to maintain a sense of safety and security. This can lead to a lack of boundaries and a diminished sense of self, as individuals may struggle to assert their own needs and desires.

Codependent relationships are common among those who exhibit the fawn response. Individuals may become enmeshed in relationships where they feel responsible for the well-being of others, often at the expense of their own mental and emotional health. This can perpetuate a cycle of dependency and enablement, preventing individuals from developing a strong sense of autonomy and self-reliance.

Furthermore, those who exhibit the fawn response may engage in self-critique and constant seeking of validation from others. They may measure their self-worth based on external validation, seeking approval and acceptance from others as a way to validate their own sense of identity and worthiness.

By understanding these various trauma responses and their associated behaviors, individuals can begin to recognize and address their own coping mechanisms. Seeking support from mental health professionals and engaging in trauma-informed therapy can help individuals develop healthier ways of coping with trauma, ultimately fostering healing and resilience.

Beyond these primary responses, trauma can manifest in a myriad of ways, each unique to the individual's experiences and coping mechanisms. Some may struggle with self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, while others may experience indecision and difficulty making choices. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional, is a common thread among those who have experienced trauma, leading to excessive sleeping or feelings of overwhelm.

It's important to recognize that trauma responses are adaptive mechanisms developed to cope with threatening situations. However, when these responses persist long after the threat has passed, they can interfere with daily functioning and overall well-being. Seeking support from mental health professionals and engaging in trauma-informed therapy can help individuals better understand and navigate their trauma responses, ultimately fostering healing and resilience. By acknowledging and addressing these responses, individuals can embark on a journey towards reclaiming their sense of agency and empowerment in the face of adversity.

[ragegrove]

b**rderline p*rsonality d!so*rder.

this is just something really important for my blog in regards of what billy’s dealing with mentally and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

CRITERION 1:

Repeatedly self-harming (e.g., cutting or burning), making suicide threats, or attempting suicide.

Self-harming doesn’t mean your character is trying to commit s//uicide; rather, it could be a way to release the emotional pain or sense of emptiness bottled up inside. Many people with B//PD are highly sensitive to emotion, which, combined with often traumatic, abusive or invalidating backgrounds, can make emotions overwhelming. Your character may try to relieve this pressure through self-harming.

People with B//PD often have an intense fear of abandonment or rejection. If someone tries to leave your character—for example, through breaking up with them—or set boundaries or remove a structure they’ve become dependent on, they may make suicide threats or actual attempts to prevent this.

CRITERION 2:

Acting impulsively in two potentially damaging areas, not including self-harm or suicide attempts (e.g., drug abuse, unsafe sex, dangerous driving, reckless spending).

The key thing here is impulsivity. Your character doesn’t plan to do these potentially dangerous things. It’s a spur of the moment decision that could take them—and your readers—by surprise. It’s often undeniable too, as though they can’t stop themselves.

Your character might binge eat, spend money compulsively, shoplift, drink excessively, drive recklessly, use drugs, or engage in other equally damaging activities on impulse. Each has its own consequences, some more serious than others, which can cause problems aplenty in your story.

CRITERION 3:

Having intense and unstable relationships that swing between idealisation (i.e., believing the person and relationship are perfect and loving them deeply) and devaluation (i.e., believing they are awful and hating them).

Fear of abandonment and a feeling of emptiness could make your BPD character very clingy. When your character loves someone, they see them as perfect, flawless, incapable of doing wrong.

That intense love can turn to hatred in an instant, though, if something happens to change your character’s mind. It could be something as small as a character attempting to go home after visiting, as in the film Gia, resulting in an explosion of anger or despair.

CRITERION 4:

Feeling intensely afraid of abandonment and making frantic efforts to prevent this, not including self-harm or suicide attempts (e.g., constantly calling or texting someone, clinging to someone and refusing to release them).

This fear of abandonment could lead to your character going to drastic lengths to keep someone in their life. What kind of strain would it put on their relationships if your character tried to be with someone constantly? Would they find it suffocating and attempt to leave, and what escalations in your BPD character’s behaviour might this cause?

CRITERION 5:

Having an unstable self-image and no strong sense of self.

Your character may have no clear idea of who they are—their personality, their beliefs, their identity—leaving them feeling hollow. To compensate, they might imitate and adopt the traits of others. How might your other characters react if your BPD character took on their likes and dislikes, their beliefs and goals? What kind of problems could this cause?

CRITERION 6:

Feeling empty, worthless or lonely over long periods of time.

If your character had an invalidating childhood—in other words, their emotions were dismissed, ignored or responded to inappropriately and inconsistently—their sense of worth may have plummeted. This feeling of emptiness and loneliness is deep-seated, like a piece of themselves is missing, and can leave them feeling vulnerable.

CRITERION 7:

Experiencing severe mood swings, which can last anywhere from hours to days (e.g., feeling irritable, depressed or anxious).

Imagine your character’s emotional nerves are exposed, at the surface of their skin. Small triggers, sometimes unknown to the character themselves, can set those nerves afire. Their emotional outbursts aren’t a ploy for attention, as may be the case with someone with histrionic personality disorder, but a genuine display of overwhelming emotion.

These mood swings are extreme and sudden—small triggers in a scene could change your character’s mood from happiness to fury in a blink—and these volatile emotions often take a long time to settle back down again.

CRITERION 8:

Feeling sudden, intense and often uncontrollable anger or aggression, which can lead to loss of temper or physical fights, or showing this anger in inappropriate ways or situations.

Because those emotional nerves are exposed, any real or imagined insults directed towards your character could spark rage, manifesting in explosive displays of anger or physical fights. Emotional reactions are intensified, so situations that might cause any other character frustration could result in fits of screaming or inappropriate aggression for your BPD character.

Causing fights could also be another way for your character to express their self-destructive tendencies. Being hurt by another could even be their goal—a way to release emotional pain or help them with their self-destruction.

CRITERION 9:

Feeling paranoid or disconnected from the world, your body, thoughts or behaviour when stressed.

Paranoia. It could be your character’s family, friends, strangers on the street—are they talking about your character behind their back? When they laugh, is it directed at your character? What about all that whispering? It’s about your character, isn’t it?

Paranoid thoughts can infect all areas of your character’s life and distort their thinking. Despite periods of hating family and friends, despising them for their perceived slights, your character might cling to them, fearing abandonment.

This mix of paranoia, loathing and loving doesn’t just affect your BPD character, however—think about how it might strain their relationships with those around them. Do family and friends leave them? How might this heighten your character’s fear of abandonment?

Another feature of this part of the diagnosis criteria is dissociation, or feeling disconnected from yourself or your surroundings, when stressed. Your character might have whole episodes that they can’t remember because of a dissociative experience. This could make them an unreliable narrator, perfect for conflict and mystery creation.

[allmysticwords]

BTS Reaction to them cheating on you.

For @micchikari​. I hope you like it :) 

GENRE: Angst

PAIRING: BTS X Reader

TAG: SAD SAD SAD SAD ! EVEN THE PICTURES ARE SAD ! Also slight suggestive content.

Find PART II HERE 

Requestlist | Masterlist 

---

Kim Seokjin

Seokjin was taking a shower and you were still in bed sleeping. Lately, he had been very busy always coming home late and always leaving early. You understood though, idol life was not easy. He always made up for it by talking to you amongst other things before you went to bed and sending sweet texts throughout the day, occasionally meeting you for lunch when you had your break near your office. It was tough but you were happy. Until right now. Jin was in the shower but his phone kept ringing waking you up from your sleep. You don’t usually check his phone, but you picked up thinking that it could be an important call from BigHit. 

But before you could say anything what the girl on the other end of the line said broke your heart, “Jin oppa, I’m waiting for you in the white lingerie that bought me, please hurry.” 

You didn’t quite understand what she said or meant, “Excuse me, what did you say?” you questioned her. 

“Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was Kim Seokjin’s phone.” She said and disconnected the call. 

“It is” you quietly whispered. Just as Jin walked out of the shower and saw his phone in your hand and a distressed look in your eyes. He understood you know. 

“Y/n I can explain” You were frantically picking up all your things and throwing them in your bag. “Y/n wait. It’s not what it seems. Y/n I love you.” 

You put your bag on your shoulders and without looking at Jin said, “no you don’t or else you wouldn’t be gifting lingerie to any other girl.” 

Jin was surprised at your outburst but kept his calm. He tried to hold your hand but you pushed him away. 

“I’ll pick up the rest of my things when you’re not here.” You said as you walked away. 

“Don’t try calling me. We’re done.”

With this you slammed the front door shut both on Jin and your 2-year long relationship, leaving a very sad and panicky Jin on the other side.

---

Min Yoongi

You were walking home from work today to enjoy the nice weather. Lately you had thrown yourself into work to escape the memories and the heartbreak of your last relationship. You were hardly yourself anymore, the chirpy and happy girl was replaced with a tough looking and poker-faced woman. You never went out with your friends; you only listened to English music and avoided any Korean entertainment news at all costs. 

Your breakup with Yoongi had left quite an impact on you. This is why you were taken aback to see him at your doorstep. To say you were ready to meet him again would be a lie. The flashback of him kissing another girls’ lips as his hands roamed all over body made you want to throw up. 

Yoongi got up when he saw you, “How have you been y/n. I missed you so much.” “Why are you here?” you questioned him with absolutely no emotion in your voice. “I had a dream about us. We were happy. I want you back.” He said walking towards you. “And I still have dreams of you kissing her.” “Please leave Yoongi, I don’t want anything to do with you.” You sighed walking away from him and into your apartment. 

“I wrote a song about you y/n. I write all my songs about you.” Yoongi cried out before you could shut the door. 

“Well it’s a good thing I don’t listen to them anymore.” With that you walked inside, leaving a dejected and crying Yoongi behind.

---

Jung Hoseok

You saw it on the news. You saw it on twitter. You saw it in the papers. Hoseok at a club kissing some random girls’ lips. His hand on the small of her back. Both of them swaying to a slow song. The video had made waves in the Korean media and BigHit had no option but to release a statement saying Hoseok and that girl were dating. 

This left you devastated. The fact that Hoseok was kissing someone else while on tour was hard enough but now the whole world knew that the girl was his girlfriend was harder.

Hoseok kept calling you from London. And you kept avoiding his calls. He left you voicenotes and you deleted them. You didn’t want to hear any excuses. You loved him but you would never put yourself through the pain of dating someone who cheated on you. 

After a week since the news broke you saw Hoseok. He came to your place with peonies in his hands. As if flowers could magically heal what he broke. He looked sad, tired eyes and sunken cheeks. You didn’t look any better. To say that you hadn’t been crying since a week would be a lie. 

“I’m sorry y/n. I’m really sorry. Please just hear me out.” “I’m sorry too Hoseok, but I can’t.” “Please leave. It’s over.” 

You couldn’t hear the excuses. You feared you would run back into Hobi’s arms. So you shut the door, leaving Hobi holding a bouquet in one hand and wiping his tears with the other.

---

Kim Namjoon

Lately you and Namjoon have been drifting apart. The work keeps him busy and he doesn’t come home many nights. He says he is sleeping at the dorms, but you suspect that he is in his studio working his ass off for Bangtan. So, you decide to surprise him on the day he texted you saying he’ll have dinner at home. You wore his favorite lingerie, a deep red lace set. You dolled up, carefully doing your makeup and curling your hair. You lit some candles in the room. Then you waited for Joon to come home. He had been stressed lately and you were planning to take all the stress away. Also, you missed him and his touch. When you heard the lock being rattled you excitedly sat on the bed, ready to present a show. However, when Namjoon came in the room instead of excitement and happiness his eyes spoke something else. He wouldn’t even look at you properly. You were confused. So, you walked up to him and stroked his cheek. “What’s wrong Joon, did something happen?” “I think we need to talk y/n” You understood something is wrong. You quickly pulled on your robe and you and Namjoon sat side by side as he recounted that while he was out last week with the boys he made a mistake. As soon as he said this you got up from beside him. He went to take your hand in his but you pushed it away. Folding your hands at your chest you looked at him, “How dare you come see me after that.” “It didn’t mean anything y/n I was just blowing off steam.” “I don’t know how this happened I was just really drunk and stressed and she was there, it just sort of happened.” He was crying. More so because you were completely calm. Expressionless even. “I think you should leave Namjoon.” You said his full name. Not Joonie and not Joon. He knew he had lost you so without putting up a fight he left. As soon as he left you slid down on the floor, crying.

---

Park Jimin

Jimin was taken aback to see you in Paris. He was here for his vacation and saw you walking the cobbled streets with your bag in one hand and your camera in another. He hadn’t seen you for almost a year now. It seemed like he had forgotten how beautiful you looked because as he was looking at you now with the sun shining in your face, you looked ethereal. Your hair was shorter now, but the style really suited you. What he noticed instantly though was how happy you looked. 

He was taken back to the night when you were crying your eyes out because you saw him with another girl at the studio. He never forgave himself for cheating on you. You never forgave him too. Even when he apologized a million time, even when he cried a million times and even when he promised you that you were the only one he loved. It was true. He really did love you. Even now after a year. He hadn’t dated anyone since then. So seeing you here in Paris he thought he should talk to you. 

Until he saw a man coming out of the ice cream store with 2 ice creams in his hand. Mint Chocochip, your favorite. You took the ice cream and gave the man a small peck. 

Jimin could do nothing but stare at the two of you walk away hand in hand. The distance he thought, definitely did you well and he was by no means going to hurt you again by coming into your life.

---

Kim Taehyung

It was 2 am and Taehyung was still not home. It was a regular occurrence nowadays and you didn’t know what to do. Lately it felt like you were drifting apart more and more and only you were concerned about this. Yet, you still waited for him to come before sleeping every night.

He entered the house around 2:30 and thinking you were asleep went to the kitchen. He was on the phone with someone, speaking in hushed tones. “Yeah baby, I just reached home. No don’t worry, she doesn’t suspect a thing.” 

He didn’t realize that you were standing at the doorway listening to his conversation. He turned around from the fridge and you took in his appearance. There were red lipstick marks on the collar of his white t-shirt, his hair was disheveled and as he walked past you barely acknowledging you and into your shared bedroom you could smell a woman’s perfume. 

It was as if he wanted you to suspect things. He didn’t even care. You were angry and heartbroken. You couldn’t believe you ignored the signs. You also couldn’t believe Taehyung didn’t even mind that you knew, he looked almost glad that you understood. 

So that night you didn’t sleep in your bed. You actually didn’t sleep at all. As soon as it was morning, you wiped your tears, packed your stuff and left a note behind for Taehyung who was still asleep. 

“I know. I think I’ve known for a while. What hurt the most was that if you wanted out of this relationship you could’ve spoked to me but instead you did the one thing, I feared the most. But don’t worry, I’ll be okay. Just don’t try to contact me ever again. – Y/n”

---

Jeon Jungkook

You and Jungkook had been dating for a while now, almost 8 months. When Jungkook asked you out, you couldn’t believe it. He was a superstar and you were just an ordinary makeup artist. From the minute you met him you fell head over heels in love with him. And who wouldn’t, he was an angel both inside and out. It wasn’t his looks that you fell for but how sweet and nice he was to you. Jungkook also fell for you. He said you were the normal in his life that he craved. That you were the thing that kept him sane from the glamour of the idol life. But you were scared to be in a relationship with him. You knew he was way out of your league, it wasn’t that you disdn’t like how you looked but you knew you could never compare to the other stars he was always around. And you voiced your concerns to him.

He would however always shut down such doubts. He made sure he told you how much he loved you and how he would never leave you. 

So, the pictures you saw on his phone clearly came as a surprise. You and him were at a café and he had gone to the washroom. His phone was lit up and there was a picture that came up. He and another idol girl were kissing in the picture. She had texted it to him saying how she missed him. 

You were taken aback. The one thing you were insecure about in the relationship is the thing that Jungkook exploited the most. 

You decided to cut off all contact with him after you saw those pictures. He came back to sit on the table with a wide smile but as soon as he saw your face, he knew something was wrong. 

You told him he got a text while he was gone and picked up your things. His eyes widened with panic. 

“Y/n wait..” but before he could say anything else you walked out of the café and his life.

---

-Pratz 

Please let me know what you thought of this :)

[kogo-dogo]

i like your skyrim stuff and i wanna know more about the funky little dudes you posted in those “sentences” lol. instead of asking for more snips

You have made a mistake. Prepare for an essay.

But, joking aside, they’re Morrowind characters. I do like Skyrim, but Morrowind is my favorite game of all time and the entire reason I got into the TES fandom years ago. I don’t talk about it much on here because everyone is here for Half-Life and HRV, but... you know what? I’mma take this opportunity. To yell.

About The Guys(tm).

So, basically, in my Personal Canon, I don’t just have a Nerevarine (i.e. Protagonist) character. I have an entire crew of people who help him get through things because it just seems... more realistic for my Extremely Flawed and Terrible Nerevarine. Also, I just had a lot of characters conjured up as a teenager and it was fun to evolve it over time so they’re all friends.

They are, as follows:

- Jo’Karsa (a.k.a. “Karsaga”). Battlemage born under the Atronach. Afflicted with Wombburn. Also the Nerevarine. He’s an abnormally large Cathay-raht who has had an unusual upbringing. He was originally an orphan plucked off the streets in Corinthe and trafficked to Morrowind where he was sold as a slave. As fate would have it, a houseman under his owner took a shine to him and stole him away when they fled to Cyrodiil to avoid political assassination. Karsaga has been raised Telvanni in Imperial territory so, despite being a mighty brute of a Khajiit, he has an extreme affinity for magic and an equally extreme disconnect from his Khajiiti roots.

He speaks like a Dunmer, carries himself like a Dunmer, and has very Telvanni sensibilities. He also has an extensive criminal record from his time spent as a bandit outside of Cheydinhal, and that is eventually how he ends up on the prison boat that sends him to Morrowind. He has a bunch of aliases and an unhealthy penchant for drink and smoke. Not a fan of skooma, though. As gruff and sarcastic as he is, he has a very silver tongue and a way of winning people over and talking himself out of trouble.

Also, “youth born under a certain sign?” Nah, this bitch is 34. And smells like a wet dog.

- Dasrazel. Altmer Nightblade and Quarra vampire. He contracted his vampiric curse while trying to save his lover from the clutches of an undead menace during the Second Era, after a life working various quasilegal oddjobs that brought shame on his noble family. In life, he was a likeable but lowkey individual, and in undeath he’s still very lowkey... but perhaps not as likeable. He has to take a low dose of a calming potion to keep the inherent, violent bloodlust of his Quarra curse at bay, and it does a lot to deaden his emotions. Combine that with hundreds of years to learn how to not give a fuck, and you have a very blunt, stoic, matter-of-fact creature who only very occasionally makes quips and usually just wants to be left alone.

He is Karsaga’s closest ally, right hand man, and platonic soulmate. They met after Karsaga robbed him blind at a bar (thinking him to just be some weird, frail elf), and Dasrazel took pity on him after Karsaga ran him through with an iron saber and panicked when it... did nothing. Their bond is one of a mutual distaste for most people and Dasrazel’s desire to have companionship again.

They’re very much bros, even if Dasrazel spends most of his time not understanding why Karsaga is the way he is.

-  Neira Brenur. Dunmer Witchhunter and low-ranking member of House Redoran. She’s the daughter of a Camonna Tong member and an Ashlander woman, though her mother is dead and she spends a lot of time trying to distance herself from her racist father. She joined Redoran in hopes of atoning for the crime of just being born into a bad family, but has a really difficult time fitting in. She’s very meek and empathetic and does better in controlled duels than actual combat. The idea of actually hurting an opponent makes her sick to her stomach.

She kind of just happened to Karsaga one day, courtesy of him running afoul of her not-so-popular friend, Vandrith (we’ll get to that trainwreck later). She mainly acts as a translator for Vandrith and tries to play mediator when Karsaga starts getting too aggressive with others. She’s in good with some odd folks in Redoran and a very aggressive supporter of the Tribunal Temple, which makes it hard for her to wrap her mind around Karsaga’s existence as the Nerevarine.

Also, the fact she’s an absolute pushover means she just accepts the less-than-savory people Karsaga pals around with. She’s got a big heart and feels actual pity for his blasphemous, undead, and criminal friends. They’re good people on the inside (probably).

- Vandrith Valen. Dunmer Ordinator and conglomeration of a lot of factors coming together in the worst way possible. He is naturally “blessed by Azura” and has some degree of prophetic power, though he’s choked it down after a life of being raised Indoril. He also came to the unfortunate realization after being stationed on Vvardenfell, that he is also a descendant of House Dagoth and is haunted by the Poison Song, a “song” sent out by Dagoth Ur that warps the minds of those who are of his blood and turns them into Sleepers and Dreamers.

These two traits do not mesh well and make Vandrith more than a little unstable.

Vandrith is... prone to erratic behavior and violent outbursts and is largely under the care of his paternal uncle, Tuls Valen, the head priest of the Ald’ruhn Temple. Vandrith is also a clever and tricky bastard who has been trying to figure out how to discern Dagoth Ur’s plans from the Poison Song in order to prevent bad things from happening. Usually, he can keep things under control, but extremely bad visions, close proximity to items/places corrupted by House Dagoth, and stress can cause him to be difficult.

Beyond this, though, he’s not what you’d expect from an Ordinator. He’s very witty with a somewhat bawdy sense of humor, a very devil-may-care attitude, and he’s a huge fan of causing mischief. He forced his way into Karsaga’s social circle due to his absolute certainty that Karsaga could bring down Dagoth Ur, and Neira is his closest (and for a long time only) friend, who has figured out what all of his weird ramblings mean.

- Bashinga. Sorceress and Aundae vampire. She is an old acquaintance of Dasrazel’s who has ties to Telvanni, the Mage’s Guild, and several circles of warlocks and witches. She’s very much a self-serving sort, more interested in the acquisition of power than the wellbeing of Morrowind, but she is fiercely protective of the people she deems worthy (and she has a soft spot for Neira she can’t really explain).

Once upon a time, she was a dancer and performer with a traveling circus, and her fall into undeath and wizardry was a happy accident after being taken as cattle by rogue Aundae. She’s got a good set of vocal cords and can move with grace and ease, but she speaks very bitterly a lot of the time and is difficult to get along with.

She’s one of those people who Karsaga immediately took a shine to because they both like to sit around and bitch about people. Dasrazel and Bashinga mostly get along by the time-honored tradition of “two very gay individuals being catty at each other as a sign of affection, though outsiders would think they hate one another.”

- Jai Swift-Fly. Cathay assassin and member of the Morag Tong. She was born and raised in Elsweyr in a more tribal environment, and is an old friend of Vandrith’s (odd, considering they met because she took a grey writ to knock him off and, instead, he knocked her out). She mostly comes into the fold because Karsaga needed somebody to break into the Ministry of Truth to free Mehra Milo, and she came highly recommended (by Vandrith; Vandrith recommended her). 

She’s a married mother of two, is big and strong and very proud of being big and strong, and a crack shot with a bow. She’s also deaf as hell and communicates through a series of homebrew gestures. Her decision to stick around and help Karsaga after completing the job she was hired to do stems primarily from her extreme curiosity. She has no stake in the Nerevarine Prophecy or this group of losers, but by god does she want to see what it looks like when a god dies.

Fun fact: Jai is dead by the events of Skyrim, but two of her descendants remain. Shevah and J’Rakka. They’re a brother-and-sister duo. Shevah is as much of a curious, troublemaking adventurer as her so-many-greats grandmother. J’Rakka is a werewolf who mostly hunts bounties to make a living.

- Dravyn Telvayn (no picture of him, sorry D:). Dunmer assassin and member of the Morag Tong. Former highwayman and current Berne vampire. Husband of Jai and perpetually confused, mainly over the fact he has kids with Jai and... well, every book he’s read has indicated that that should be impossible for a variety of reasons. He lives in the sewers of the Arena canton in Vivec City and is allowed work in the Morag Tong due to his efficacy at eliminating very high risk targets, though he’s basically “on his own” if he ever gets caught. They’re sure as fuck not giving him writs of execution to present to guards when the Tong could end up fucked over if their relationship with a vampire gets out.

He’s mostly in the background and tags along due to his extreme dedication to Jai. He doesn’t get along with hardly anyone but her, though he is the one who coined the term “Council of Accidents” in relation to him, Dasrazel, and Bashinga. He feels a loose kinship with them in that they’re all members of different vampire clans, but all members whose sires want nothing to do with them, rendering them outcasts. Even after the events of Morrowind, he keeps in infrequent contact with the others. 

After Jai’s death, he acts as a weird “ancestral guardian” to his own descendants. As of the time of Skyrim, he spends most of his time trying to keep Shevah from getting killed. He is very tired. She is a lot.

[quizblr]

This is a psychoanalytical test called the Szondi Test, as explained by Junji Noe.  This test was made by a Hungarian Psychoanalyst, Léopold Szondi. The following are 8 pictures. Now, look at them and study them closely. Which of these 8 do you find the most “scary?” Really, really try to picture them in a dark alley, coming towards you. Or, who would you want the LEAST to be in an elevator with you? Overall, who gives you the creepiest vibes, or makes you feel disgusted and repulsed among these 8.

Have you chosen yet?  Remember your answer and see your results below:

These are all pictures of patients of Szondi. Szondi believed that who you pick will tell something about your personality, but not just anything about your personality -- the part of you that you suppress or at least deny about yourself. Maybe you pushed these feelings and desires down into your subconscious mind, or maybe something you refused to accept about yourself and act in opposition towards. The format is. (Number). -condition name- ( General Info ) --- Repression: What it is you're hiding. Denies it by: Actions, personalities or habits you do to 'counteract' or push back against what you're repressing. Sublimation: What you show, ever so slightly in your life regarding the repression. ___________________________________ 1. The Sadist. You were most likely dominated by a lot of authoritarian figures, such as parents or teachers. Because of this, you repress the feeling to dominate others, as you've been through your formative years. You are passive and rather friendly and love to make people happy. That being said, you react defensively in a passive-aggressive manner when you feel someone is trying to dominate you. This is your way of indirectly punishing them. But deep inside, you love to see the suffering of other people, physically or emotionally. Though, consciously, you do your best to ignore these thoughts whenever they surface. --- Repression: The desire to dominate others. Denies it by: Developing a peaceful and harmless personality. Always helping others. Sublimation: Creates barriers when they don't want to do something (such as getting to work late).  When acting defensively, acts passive-aggressively. _____________________________________ 2. The Epileptic You react to emotions rather intensely, good or bad. Since you were taught as a child that doing certain things aren't okay, you refuse to let negative emotions such as anger, impulsiveness or irritability manifest. As such, you probably wear a strong emotional mask and are good at hiding the negative feelings from others whenever they bubble up under the surface. You compensate by acting meek and friendly, and people probably see you as peaceful and reliable. Although, under pressure, you can explode with these negative feelings and most people are surprised, as you never seemed the person to be so negative. Repression: Feelings of anger, irritability, and aggression. Denies it by: Becoming a meek and friendly person; giving off the impression of responsibility. Sublimation: Rare outbursts when stressed or provoked. ___________________________________ 3. The Catatonic You're most likely an intelligent person with an overactive mind. Not so bad, right? Well, here's the trade-off: in the attempt to stay in reality and fight your overactive brain, you've most likely become dutiful, inhibited and rule-driven. You are unaware of the physical and emotional needs of yourself and others. and often feel disconnected and lost. Repression: Mental hyperactivity/overactive imagination Denies it by: Adopting "stereotypical" behaviors. Sublimation: Often acts defensively and likes to follow their own set of determined rules. _______________________ 4. The Schizophrenic If you've chosen this woman, then you're most likely repressing apathy for others. You probably struggle in connecting with others.  Relating to others is a challenge for you. Maybe even relating to yourself. Your relationships probably lack depth. To compensate, you're sociable. You love to spend time with friends and family. In a sense, this is a way to mask your sense of loneliness and isolation. Repression: Feelings of apathy towards others. Denies it by: Being a very sociable person, with a large circle of friends. Sublimation: Does not talk about feelings of isolation, or their lack of true affection for others. __________________________ 5. The Hysteric. You're probably repressing attention-seeking tendencies. You were told as a child to not show off, by adults or peers. As such, you're probably a modest and sincere person. Deep down, you love to be the center of attention and to charm others. Though you're rarely the center of attention, when you are, you're ecstatic. You're likely someone who pays attention to detail, as evidenced by the amount of effort you put into your appearance. This could be your subconscious self showing off, as your conscious self continues to act modestly. Repression: Desire for attention and admiration. Denies it by: Acting modestly/staying out of the spotlight. Sublimation: Chooses rare or extravagant jobs and hobbies. Usually tries to remain elegant and well-dressed so that they still draw attention. ___________________________ 6. The Depressive. On the surface, you're happy and bubbly, like you don't have a care in the world. Well, that's the side you show to the world, at least. Deep within, you're most likely dealing with feelings of self-worthlessness -- even self-loathing and guilt. You probably take your mind off this by focusing on work and other people. Low self-esteem is also associated with this choice. Picking this picture doesn't mean you're a depressed person, but that you have a predisposition to negative emotions. Repression: Feelings of worthlessness/inadequacy Denies it by: Developing a happy and bubbly exterior personality. Focusing on work and friends. Sublimation: Assumes the role of everyone's "psychologist.”  Searching for solutions to other people's problems. _________________________________ 7. The Maniac. You're most likely logical, mature, and balanced. You don't favor chaos or excessive displays of emotions. You're likely annoyed when people are loud, or when they hold too strong of a belief.  This is because inside, you're repressing hyperactive tendencies that would make you lose control. Deep within, you're probably quite impulsive and with extreme energy hurdles. This is probably because your parents or teachers tried to make you "calm down" as a child. Repression: Impulsiveness and high energy levels. Denies it by: Being logical, reasonable, and collected.  Developing a hatred of excesses. Sublimation: Avoids places of temptation, such as casinos. ____________________________ 8. Dissociative Identity Disorder. As a child, you've probably been bullied, defamed, or traumatized by a parent, teacher or other family member. This trauma has made you subconsciously make you question yourself as a sexual partner. Now, you probably push your own gender role. Such as being macho, as a man. Or, pushing your femininity as a woman. You probably put down others of your own sex for not acting manly or womanly enough. Repression: Thoughts of being an undesirable partner. Denies it by: Emphasizing gender role, acting very macho or feminine. Sublimation: Sacrifices individuality and real interests to conform to expected male/female stereotype.

[camaradarulitos]

Listen to this story:

‘Autistic burnout’ is the intense physical, mental or emotional exhaustion, often accompanied by a loss of skills, that some adults with autism experience. Many autistic people say it results mainly from the cumulative effect of having to navigate a world that is designed for neurotypical people.

Burnout may especially affect autistic adults who have strong cognitive and language abilities and are working or going to school with neurotypical people.

Here we describe the emerging picture of this phenomenon, how autistic adults might be able to recover from burnout and how to prevent it from occurring.

What is the experience of autistic burnout like? 

Like many aspects of autism, burnout varies greatly from person to person. Some autistic people experience it as an overwhelming sense of physical exhaustion. They may have more difficulty managing their emotions than usual and be prone to outbursts of sadness or anger. Burnout may manifest as intense anxiety or contribute to depression or suicidal behavior. It may involve an increase in autism traits such as repetitive behaviors, increased sensitivity to sensory input or difficulty with change.

Burnout can sometimes result in a loss of skills: An autistic woman who usually has strong verbal abilities may, for example, suddenly find herself unable to talk.

How did the concept of burnout arise? 

Few studies have formally investigated autistic burnout. Autism researchers have only become aware of burnout as a phenomenon over the past five years or so. They have learned about it directly through discussions with autistic participants in person or online.

The concept reflects the growing self-advocacy movement in the autism community, which has led to an increasing focus among researchers on adults with autism and their inner experiences. But it’s not entirely new: Some researchers point out that children with autism can have meltdowns or lose skills when overwhelmed by the demands of a difficult environment.

What causes burnout?

Burnout is often a consequence of camouflaging, or masking, a strategy in which autistic people mimic neurotypical behavior by using scripts for small talk, forcing themselves to make eye contact or suppressing repetitive behaviors. These strategies can help autistic people in their jobs and relationships but require immense effort.

It can also result from sensory overstimulation, such as a noisy bus commute; executive function demands such as having to juggle too many tasks at once; or stress associated with change.

How do autistic people recover from burnout?

That depends on the person and on what burnout is like for them. A first step is for autistic people to remove themselves from the situation that triggered the burnout. This could be as simple as going back to a hotel room to rest alone after a day of unpredictable social interactions at a conference. Others may need longer to recover. Some autistic people have described burnout that is so severe its effects have persisted for years. Burnout may occur more frequently and be more difficult to recover from as people get older.

Is it possible to prevent burnout?

A key strategy for preventing burnout is self-knowledge. Autistic people can learn over time which situations are most likely to trigger burnout for them. They can also watch for signs that they are getting close to burnout: Some autistic people describe feeling disconnected from their bodies or experiencing tunnel vision in this state.

Armed with this awareness, they can develop strategies to avoid burnout, such as leaving a social event early or planning a recovery day after a trip before returning to work. They can also ask for accommodations that make it easier for them to avoid burnout, such as preboarding an airplane or working from home part of the time.

I become like this everytime im yelled at or someone gets mad at me in person. Its hard to explain to people that youre not doing it on purpose and that "freaking out" is really difficult to control...im working on controlling my emotions better...its hard.

[border-spam]

Leech Siren Power split and health effects on the twins.

We got juicy, tasty, delicious hints both visually and story wise within BL3 about this, but there wasn’t any real cohesion or confirmation on exactly how the Leech split worked, or the issues both twins clearly had in dealing with the powers. 

I feel like this is a pretty important set of ground rules for them to get straight for your own character building, so this would be the list for how I write these horrible little shitbags.

I looove a nice Ko-Fi~

The Leech Siren split:

Nyriad’s power settles in Tyreen early in development ( the twins were confirmed BORN Sirens ).

Uncontrollable and ravenous, it causes her to begin to consume her twin in the first trimester.

Fusing into chimeric twins (not the perfect term but similar enough to what they are to use relatively well), her power pours into him, leaving one connected form, sharing the same Leech Siren power. 

Cutting them apart after birth caused the massive power disconnect and warped functionality of the abilities we see ingame.

Whole and undamaged, the Leech Siren would be a power conduit, able to pull energy from living beings, store it, and infuse it into others. 

It would have been able to absorb and consume all other Sirens, adding their powers to the host.

It was by far the most dangerous of the known Siren powers and in the wrong hands, could have reached horrifying levels of destructive force.

Damaged.. well…

Tyreen:

Tyreen’s half of the power is the ability to absorb energy from any living thing.

What she doesn’t have, is the off switch. 

Tyreen’s power absorption is constantly active and impossible to control.

She can lash out at range by choice, but she cannot control it flaring on touch.

She cannot store the energy she absorbs very well, and tends to either release it by syphoning it into her brother, or through explosive outbursts of crackling energy bolts.

She is unable to push energy into others.

Troy:

Troy’s half of the power is the complete opposite.

While Tyreen can’t turn hers off, he can’t turn his on.

He’s unable to take in energy, bar through his sister. This means the Leech is constantly consuming his energy levels (and himself if they are too low).

Troy can store energy just as well as Tyreen, but being unable to top his up naturally, he isn’t aware of this and feels constantly weak and tired.

The only power to take in energy he retains, is from other Sirens, and he has been doing so from Tyreen their whole lives while thinking she was channeling it into him.

Once he accidentally absorbs Maya’s power, he unlocks her ability to consume eridium, giving him an unlimited energy source at last. 

With this glut of energy, he realises his main Leech Siren ability. Anointing others with his power.

Effects on the twin’s health:

The power split has affected both twins very negatively, both physically and mentally.

Tyreen:

Took the brunt of the Leech burden mentally.

Completely unable to touch others directly without consuming them since her powers flared at around age 8.

If her emotions are relatively calm, she can maintain skin contact for a few seconds, longer if through cloth or a barrier like her gloves.

Any longer and they will be leeched to death, quickly, painfully, and uncontrollably.

Her mother’s accidental death due to this is something she has never recovered from.

Typhon’s reaction of both being terrified of /terrified to lose Tyreen afterwards was the deciding factor in their forced imprisonment on Nekrotofeyo, something that harmed her formatively more than she would ever admit. 

She carries constant, deep resentment and pity for Troy since childhood.

His terrible physical condition and chronic illness is due to her power… but she’s also cursed with the broken half she has because he took it from her. 

In her mind, he’s both a burden and someone she is completely responsible for harming, and as time passes in her role of God Queen within the COV, the balance tips more towards seeing him as a parasite.

Something that sucked HER power out of her and can’t even use it, while she’s stuck unable to stop using it.

It’s his fault she’s stuck like this.. but it’s her fault he’s so sick. Maybe it would have been better if he’d just died before they fused..

Physically, she heals incredibly quickly and rarely feels the need to eat. The energy she absorbs is more than enough to feed her body.

Due to this, she has a very weak digestive system and doesn’t enjoy most foods. Her ravenous hunger isn’t the same as a physical appetite, and she wishes it was.

Troy:

Troy took the brunt physically, and has done so since birth.

Tyreen had partially consumed him before the Leech passed to him too and halted the process. He was attached shoulder to her stomach at birth, with her wrapped around his slightly smaller body.

His entire right arm was absorbed, as well as most of his shoulder blade and the glands and lymph nodes that should have formed under his arm. 

His heart, liver, and kidneys are slightly stunted and can’t function at full capacity. He’s often physically exhausted even directly after Tyreen feeds him energy due to this.

The internal damage and stress on his system as a child from constantly feeding the Leech with very little energy being returned also meant his hormones were wildly out of balance while growing, and are the cause of his height, build, and bone structure. 

His testosterone levels are also lower than he would like them to be, but that’s something he’d pretend to be ignorant of if pushed.

His bone density is mildly compromised, and the spinal/neural implant he installed mid COV era are both to help support his weaker than average spine under the weight of his massive prosthetic, and monitor his vitals / inject stimulants as needed.

While he can heal as fast as Tyreen, doing so, like everything related to the Leech, is a massive drain on his system that can leave him in a state of exhaustion afterwards.

Lower energy levels lead to migraines, muscular spasms, and before his neuro implant, mild seizures.

Enjoys food and has a great palette, but like Tyreen, has a delicate digestive system and needs to be wary of what he eats.

Unable to maintain weight easily, the Leech continually consumes his reserves.

His existing musculature is only maintained by the crushing weight of carrying the 40kg prosthetic, leaving his upper back, lats, lower hip flectors and abdomen noticeably more developed than the rest of his body from the strain of bending and moving while carrying the bulk

He’s intensely proud of this, even if a healthy man would look far more developed in the same situation.

If he had lived after unlocking being able to feed himself on eridium, would eventually have evened out into a toned, healthy physique, but his chronic issues would have remained.

Neither twin would be able to reproduce, a physical impossibility for Tyreen who’s body would destroy any living thing it distinguished as not it, and extremely unlikely for Troy who’s count levels would be too low to be considered viable. They have never talked directly about this, and understand it about each other without needing to put it into words.

[whenisitenoughtrees]

If you're still doing the DVD commentary thing: from your fic 'just drowning another day', from 'And Janus is saying something, something loud and urgent' to 'How much he never bothered to learn'? If it's too long then just the most interesting parts/the one you like the most! (this is one of my fave fics btw <3)

i am absolutely still doing the dvd commentary thing and also i love this part so here we go

dvd commentary

the point in just drowning another day

commentary under the cut!

And Janus is saying something, something loud and urgent, but his voice rings and echoes and Patton can’t understand a word of it.

i’ve never actually been sure how well this came across, but janus’ voice is echoey and stays that way because patton’s hearing is different as a frog

So he closes his eyes and stops fighting it. There is a single, gut-wrenching lurch, and his hands hit the bedspread as he fumbles for balance, and then everything is silent. He should open his eyes, should face the music, but he doesn’t want to see Janus’ expression, whether it be anger or fear or disgust or scorn. And he doesn’t want to see the mess he’s surely made of his room, the destruction, like last time, doesn’t want to open his eyes and find that he’s looming over everything else, that he’s cracked his ceiling and crushed his bed.

patton isn’t thinking clearly here, or he would realize that there’s no indication that he’s cracked his ceiling or crushed his bed, both of which he would definitely have felt. and he’s definitely not thinking clearly about what janus’ reaction is going to be, but he’s internalized a lot of harmful thinking about his transformation; essentially, he’s the one who sees it as awful and scary, so he’s projecting that onto janus

“Oh,” Janus says. His voice is still oddly echoey, and Patton can’t interpret his tone at all. “Oh. Well. Ah, I totally expected this. Definitely. Um. Oh, gosh.”

Is he flustered? Surely, that can’t be right. He’s pretty sure that Janus doesn’t do  flustered. But he has to know, now, has to look, so he opens his eyes.

janus absolutely does flustered because he is secretly a dork and a disaster and patton is probably the absolute cutest thing he’s ever seen

i didn’t get to describe patton other than calling him green bc patton doesn’t know anything beyond that but. i need y’all to know that he’s still got little glasses perched on his face. and also that his eyes do the heart pupil thing. and also he is literally so small, like, tiny, and janus is absolutely right to coo over him

He expects to be looking down. Instead, he finds himself looking up. It is Janus that towers over him, rather than the other way around, Janus that towers over him with unmitigated shock written on his face. Patton blinks, just to be sure that he isn’t seeing things, and as he does, his brain helpfully provides him with a million other things that are wrong with this picture; the ceiling, for instance, is miles above him, and his bed is as vast as an ocean.

He tries to speak, tries to ask what’s going on, but all that emerges from his mouth is a shrill squeak. He attempts to stand, then, or at least sit up, but every effort sends him sprawling on all fours, his limbs clunky and uncoordinated and unfamiliar. His panic mounts as he finds himself unable to do much of anything at all, and he flails, trying to attain some amount of control.

do you know that video of that little squeaky frog? that is the sound patton’s making. just, the cutest little squeak you could possibly imagine

it would probably be more cute if he weren’t panicking over the fact that he doesn’t know how to control his body. he was already feeling disconnected from himself bc of the depression, and suddenly finding himself in a new shape... isn’t helping with that

“Oh gosh, okay,” Janus says, and leans down. “I know this is scary, but you’re fine, I swear. Actually, honestly swear. You’re going to be absolutely fine.”

janus is completely out of his depth but he’s trying his best. his assurances are completely genuine, if a little bit clumsy, mainly because he hasn’t spent enough time with patton to know the best way to go about this

Everything clicks then, and Patton goes still, staring at his own limb stretched out in front of him, long and thin and green and four-toed. He’s a frog, he realizes. A tiny frog. His whole body feels so odd, so different, out of place and completely foreign, and it’s because he’s a frog. Not a weird, giant, humanoid frog monster, but an actual frog.

headcanon time: patton turned into a giant frog during pof because it was an outburst of overwhelming emotion. he turns into a littol frog here bc he’s been overwhelemed by how much he’s repressing-- it’s the difference between letting it all out and holding it all in

He focuses back on Janus and squeaks again. For some reason, Janus’ right cheek reddens.

it’s because patton’s adorable and janus is gay

“Fuck,” he mutters, glancing away, and Patton would chide his use of language, but he’s pretty sure by now that he can’t talk. “Okay, um, you’re not cute at all, so don’t even ask. But this is definitely not normal, and it will definitely last for a very long time. Accidental transformations always do.” He frowns, tilting his head slightly before shaking it. “You know what I mean. Which is to say that I myself am occasionally a snake, so I know what I’m talking about.”

this is actually a part that i think i would change if i were to edit this fic again. i meant janus’ slip into backwards speech to be an indicator of stress and also that he’s feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the situation, but idk, it just kinda feels a little clunky to me now. but yeah, that’s what this is

He blinks. He didn’t know that Janus could actually transform into a snake, though now that he reflects on it, he supposes that there’s no reason why not. It makes him wonder just how much more he doesn’t know about him. How much he never bothered to learn.

patton has a tendency to blame himself for things, and he’s definitely been feeling guilty about how he used to treat the dark sides. that comes up earlier in the fic, and this is a reprise of that: he’s mad at himself for not knowing more about janus (even though, to be fair, janus hardly goes out of his way to share personal information in the first place. usually.)

but he’s got plenty of time to learn from here on out

[mikami]

Can you do an analysis of Light in part II

It took me a bit, but yes, absolutely! First, I’ll take this spot to promote casuistor’s early canon Light and Yotsuba Arc Light analyses. I absolutely concur with what is said in them and for a full picture of Light, they’re recommended reading. I can’t claim to know if Casuistor would fully agree with what I have to say about Arc 2 Light now, but I can at least hope that this patches together to a coherent characterization, haha.

Eclipse - An Analysis of 23 year old Light Yagami.

Light in after the timeskip is a little tricky because we don’t get to see a lot of him at his ‘status quo’. Very early on Sayu gets kidnapped and from then on we largely see Light in stress situations which is only minorly conductive to figuring out how he changed at baseline between ages 18 and 23. I will still attempt to do this and establish where life brought him in those five years first of all.

First off, he finished his undergraduate college education. This is a 4 year program, so from spring 2005 to spring 2009, this is part of what keeps Light busy. The other is his two jobs as Kira and as L, each of which must have eaten up a good amount of his time. And yet, Light did at least a minimum of socializing as well:

In the first arc, Light and Takada date for exactly two days and knew each other for maybe a month. There isn’t any space for them to be having these in-depth conversations here - it makes much more sense that Light smoothed things over between them after returning from confinement. It’s not like him to leave a blemish like him cheating on and then ghosting Takada stand uncorrected. It appears they became friends afterwards and only fully lost contact when Takada graduated, around a year before Light did (since she didn’t miss a year due to being a Kira suspect)…. This just goes to establish that during the majority of the time-skip, Light absolutely does keep up his charming good boy public image.

He also keeps Misa reasonably happy - though he does not show her any overt affections, he doesn’t neglect her to a degree she’s uncomfortable with and it’s canon that they are sexually active together. (Elaborations: here and here).

I’m bringing all this up immediately because there is often an assumption that the Light we see the most in the second arc is fully reflective of his attitude during the timeskip, which I think is demonstrably untrue.

Nevertheless, it would also be wrong to say Light didn’t change at all.

For one, obviously, he gets a job. Contrary to popular opinion, Light’s work is NOT just being on the Kira Task Force. When the second arc starts up properly, he’s already been working on the information bureau for 6 months. And this is canonically not just a cover as Light mentions work from it that he was involved with:

So this brings Light up to 3 labor-intense jobs - NPA, L, Kira. Even with task delegating, that’s a lot of work. If there’s just one word to describe young adult Light it’s simply ‘busy’. He’s just so busy.

The other thing that notably changed is his relationship to Soichiro. This change took root during the Yotsuba Arc and spans further and further now. Though Light still looks up to his father, he is no longer hesitant to talk back to Soichiro - likewise, Soichiro often defers to him through this arc. The two of them have become adults of equal standing by now. Soichiro is no longer the unquestioned patriarch of the Yagami family. 

Now, there isn’t a lot of space to examine Light’s adult daily life demeanor in, but the image he gives off in the few scenes we get is that he’s become a more serious and stoic person over his years of being busy and living a double life. The double life aspect is especially highlighted in the brief Yagami family scene.

Though we see Light laugh along with his family, his eyes are obscured in both instances. With Light, this is classically a visual cue towards emotional conflict rather than plain lying. The issue here isn’t that he’s faking it, the issue is that his double life existence is taking some amount of mental toll on him.

At the start of the second arc we are introduced to the setting information that Kira has been gaining more and more wide-spread acceptance across the globe. Yet the Yagami family stands firmly against Kira, not exactly to Light’s delight. In the end, his family members are the prototypical ‘good people’ that he’s making his new world for in the first place. I’ve discussed ad nausea that Light desires his father approval, but his sister’s and mother’s opinion matter to him as well. Above all other people, Light loves his family. Five years of playing charades and listening to them vehemently disagree with his actions have created a sense of emotional disconnect though, which I think is visible in his vacant expressions during this scene.  

Since Light isn’t currently facing any thrilling challenge, I get the feeling that his mentality during this timeframe is a sense of ‘just a bit further until….’. He’s not living in the moment so much as dismissing the moment as temporary inconvenience on his quest towards the ideal he is striving for. (Which isn’t to say I see him as totally emotionally absent. This is just the underlying current.)

And that’s where we have Light at the end of Volume 7. And with Volume 8, he is immediately tossed into great emotional peril with Sayu’s kidnapping. This would be the first big segment you’d need to cover for second arc Light, but it’s already been written out brilliant by casuistor in the second half of this post. The bottom line is: Light changes all his plans to his disadvantage because he loves his sister and wants her safe, hurray! This is relevant to every arc Light really, loving his family is a big constant with him.

How much this all stresses him out is evident in him getting loud and abrasive, which isn’t much his usual behavior. (Again, I’d argue Misa seems surprised by this outburst more than anything - I don’t believe this has been a pattern between them at any point during the timeskip.)

Especially since he goes back to being smarmy as is default with her once the threat to his sister is dealt with.

The other big thing that happens in Volume 8 is obviously him meeting Mello and Near, who are the ones reintroducing struggle into Light’s stagnant life.

The meeting with Near immediately evokes the tension of a battle with L for Light - for Mello, the association doesn’t come until Sayu is out of immediate danger. Either way, for the time being the presence of these two kind of anchors Light. Having something to fight and schemes to do to keep his brain actively engaged tends to be something that makes him thrive.

It’s cool that he himself points out how thematically Mello and Near are challenging him on two different facets of his existence. The fact that it’s a challenge is also what sets this apart from Light vs L in the first arc. Though Light hadn’t initially known it, back then L was the established force and Light was the newcomer and challenger. Now Light is established in both areas and Mello and Near are the ones attacking his existent positions - that’s why he views them as roadblocks to outplay rather than as nemeses. He views himself, from the get-go, as the person with the upper hand - this brand of confidence is only possible because the timeskip existed and made Light get used to this as status quo.

And this about sums-up Light in the first half of the second arc. It’s important to note that as far as Light characterization is concerned the second arc really does segment mid volume 9. His father’s death is an event that changes Light significantly on every count.

I wrote it out before, so in the name of not getting super repetitive, here’s the key elements of Soichiro’s death as far as Light is concerned. 

It was not what Light planned. He wanted to kill Matsuda, he never even considered his father would volunteer.

Soichiro dies while expressing happiness that Light is not Kira - thus cementing once and for all that Light will never and can never attain his father’s approval that he yearns for.

Soichiro’s statement also implies that he still had doubts about Light’s innocence, even after mock-shooting him in the face and working alongside him for years. Light also learns his father never trusted him fully.

Basically everything Light wants from his father is negated and denied and then Soichiro is dead, leaving Light with no way to rectify things.

We’d established in the early paragraphs of this that a lot of Light acting as Kira was a matter of waiting until his family approves. Soichiro’s passing now makes this ‘until’ an impossibility. And that hurts badly.

Light deals with this by rationalizing everything to the n-th degree. He focuses himself on killing Mello during his father’s death to push the emotions as far away as possible and after that tries to cut himself off from his father emotionally as much as possible. This includes being avoidant to the rest of his family who remind him of the cocktail of unresolved emotions he has simmering below:

And then changes in his rhetoric and candidness about his thoughts are also immediately apparent. I feel like I cap this scene in every second post I write but it’s simply too relevant to ever be left out:

Again, we’re dealing with the hidden eyes visual cue that usually indicates that Light is saying the truth or is very emotionally conflicted about what he’s saying.

So here we have Light fully verbally acknowledging Kira’s evil-ness, to the world, to himself. Soichiro always thought of Kira as evil and how badly that wounded Light is one of the key segments early in the first arc. Now, Soichiro’s stance is eternal, because Soichiro is gone. Light has to acknowledge it as unchangable fact - so he focuses his rhetoric on the idea of sacrifice once more.

This little speech isn’t for the sake of the task force members, it’s Light’s answer to his dead father; Light re-convincing himself of his whole scheme.

None of these are brand-new thoughts for Light, but the timing and intensity with which they surface here is noteworthy.

(Side Note: from this point on, the usage of the hidden eye cue for Light changes a little - up until here it’d been used pretty much exclusively for Light being emotional. Now it is also often used when we see the scene from Aizawa’s perspective, symbolizing his distrust of Light - how he feels he and Light literally cannot talk eye to to eye because Light is lying. The inconsistency in the visual language is kind of annoying, but ah well.)

Further, Light loses his qualms about going against Soichiro’s morals in front of the task force. Now that there is no father there to judge him anymore, he doesn’t put too much care into keeping up appearances. Where in the Yotsuba Arc Light had made plenty clear that he’s his father’s good son who would never use people, he just… totally gives up on this now. Though in front of his father Light always acted out that he and Misa are an actual couple, he now cheats on her without so much as a feigned hesitance.

His excuse regarding Takada is half-hearted at best as well. Of course, this in part just relates to Ohba not putting any care into writing women or people’s feelings about women. But on a solely in-universe level, this is a notable shift in how manipulative Light lets people see him as.

The rest of the task force simply does not matter to him as more than mere pawns - their opinion of him is only important when it comes to threat level assessment. Light’s actual morality chain is gone now.

Light’s characterization during this time-frame is a little tough to talk about because there isn’t a lot of added value, if that makes sense? He’s the Light we know but less. His character change isn’t defined by new traits emerging so much as old traits falling away: Light doesn’t joke around anymore, Light doesn’t bother to hide duplicitous nature as much anymore. And notably, Light doesn’t really get emotional key moments anymore either.

He’s mostly just… this. He’s laser-focused on his plan and his victory while pushing aside any personal elements. 

Only with Takada, he amps up the charm again and acts more like his first arc self, but that’s not a positive statement to their relationship.

To Light, this is solely functional rather than relaxing. He was going to kill Takada along with everyone else who knows of the notebook right after the 28th, rather than keep her around for use. The only one who would have survived this rampage would have been Mikami, solely because he has the eyes and that is still useful.

And with all of this as our baseline, we move into the finale.

Going into the warehouse, Light is, above all, overconfident. In his mind, he’s won before he even sets foot into the Yellow Box. 

When he unfavorably compares Near to L, he’s in truth saying more about himself and his own mindset than he is saying about Near. He took L more seriously, not because L was better, but because he himself was more alert and aware of the possibility of failure. Earlier in the arc, Light even refers to Near as ‘worse’ than L on the threat-scale... He’s lost all of this now. The level of detached scheming he has reached after his father’s death is to the detriment of his maneuvering ability. 

Light now relies on the fact that he’s the established power and views himself as inherently victorious - though Light has always been arrogant, he used to not fully underestimate people this way. He has become complacent in his arrogance - I do think that is related to how dead inside he is generally, too.

So when it turns out that he has in fact been outplayed, he takes it harsher than he ever took any set-backs before. Instead of taking reparation measures immediately, he reacts with disbelief and badly thought out excuses.

Light is fully caught off-guard by his own failure.

He is laid bare in front of everybody. Light has spent the last five years consistently lying to everybody around him, but now he is proverbially naked. This panel uses the same visual language as when Light regained his memories at the end of the Yotsuba-arc. Here and there, a split-up Light becomes more himself. There, the literally memorywiped Light got reunited with his full plans. Here, Light’s masks fall away and he’s only himself in the eyes of himself and the world. 

Sometimes all you can do is laugh (tm).

Now Light finally gets to lay all the justifications he’s always told himself about his actions as Kira out in the open. And this time, maybe for the first time ever, literally every part of him believes in it. Now that everything has fallen away, this self-justification is literally all that Light has left and he’ll cling to it like a drowning man clings to a log of wood.

I think this is really the moment where Light ‘comes together’ so to speak. Masks and excuses conflate with the person, become one on every level.

For a large amount of the second arc Light has been driving on scheme-y autopilot but now his heart is fully in it once more. There is no more ‘until’. He’s justice now, he erased the last fraction of doubt now.... and it doesn’t help him.

Light is fully unified as himself for the first time.

And he’s also completely alone for the first time.

His entire life, Light had people look up to him. He’s always been adored. There has never ever been a situation in which there was truly nobody on Light’s side - not in all of his 23 years, not until now. 

And that’s the one thing Light can truly not believe. The one certainty in his life has always been that people look up to him. Now he’s on the floor, crawling in his own blood, and nobody is his ally. He can’t and won’t believe it.

And that’s why he asks Ryuk for help. And that’s why Ryuk kills him.

At the very end of his life, Light is a scared child. He comes full circle from the time he found the Death Note and thought he’d die for accidentally using it - he’s back to this fear of death, only this time it’s worse. Then, he had hope to change the world in his days before death. Now, he has changed it, and he realizes that’s not enough. Leaving a legacy is not simply not enough.

Light wants to live.

All these years of feeding himself the narrative of self-sacrifice for the greater good... and at the bottom line below all that, what he really wants is to live.

Too late for that.

[chaos-caffeinated]

The Illegitimate Son

Rating: T; Language

Word Length: 1,039 words

Chapter: Chapter 4, Part 1/3; The Counselor

---

          Today was a new day, but for some it wasn’t enough.

          Aria woke up more tired than ever, not getting any sleep due to the events of last night. She laid down in Aaron's bed, hugging the extra pillow he would hug, wondering and worrying about how he is feeling. It pained her to see him so upset, but he asked her a question, and she thought it was time to finally give him an answer.

          Forcing herself to the kitchen, she made lunch for Aaron and herself, thinking she could drop it off before he got to school; however, she remembered something, and as ashamed as she was, she decided to text Aaron.

          Leaving to retrieve her phone, Aria picked it up from its resting place on the nightstand. She hesitated, reading over her simple message for what seemed like hours before finally hitting ‘send’.

          Good morning, sweetie. Would you like me to drop you and Faian off at school?

          Aria, again, read the message over and over and over, stressing about whether or not Aaron even wanted to have anything to do with her, but she had to shift her attention back to making lunch.

          Aaron didn't sleep well either and it could be argued he didn’t sleep at all. He shed many tears, completely shocked that his father is alive. He couldn’t keep himself from imagining different scenarios about him. The whole night was plagued by emotions of guilt and shame, the opposite, he thought, most people would feel if they discovered one of their parents was the best hero in the world. He just couldn’t wrap his head around it all.

          All he knew was that he thankful Faian left him an empty trashcan in case he threw up again.

          The morning was no better. He couldn’t bring himself to fix his hair, and he barely washed his face. He left his uniform jacket open and was without his tie. If he could just skip school he would, but he knew Faian wouldn't accept that, and deep down, neither could he.

          Unresponsive to any of Faian’s attempts to humor him, Aaron remained disconnected, not showing any response. To Faian, Aaron was all but catatonic, and it cut straight to his core.

          Though he didn’t want to eat, Aaron knew that it wasn’t healthy to skip meals as an athlete, and that Faian would not rest until he was taken care of, so he tried his best. Anyone who knew him, especially the two most important people in his life, knew Aaron was happy to eat, even in spite of the strict diet he followed to stay fit for his skating (although, with two amazing cooks in the family, it was easy).

          It was depressing to watch him pick at his breakfast dejectedly, and his voice when he mumbled to Faian that it was ‘time to go’ was heartbreaking. He trudged to the door; his backpack lazily slung on his shoulders.

          Some people might have been upset that the father they never knew was All Might, while most might have been excited but… Aaron? He was broken.

          And he did not think he would ever be whole again.

          Completely numb to the world, whether it be to keep from hurting others with his emotional outbursts or to figure things out, Aaron was the type of person who put others ahead of himself. Much too far ahead. He refused to believe himself worthy of any help or kindness and held himself to a standard that couldn’t possibly be reached.

          It was why Aria trusts, respects, and thanks Faian for staying by his side no matter what.

~~~

          Class was unsurprisingly worse. Shinsou was unaware of the events that unfolded the evening before, that Aaron didn’t know how to react to the fact that his entire life was manufactured with the sole intent of creating a legacy.

          Though he tried many times to get his attention, Shinsou respectively backed off, understanding that he needed his space. But he still thought it frustrating that Aaron was so unresponsive.

          Class after class, Aaron remained that way. He wasn’t taking notes, he wasn’t listening to the lessons, he couldn’t even bring himself to pick up his pencil. All he could do was drown in his thoughts, his own silence deafening.

          He almost got away with it until U.A.'s counselor, Hound Dog, walked by the open classroom, immediately noticing his dead stare. He remembered the kid from yesterday- Aaron Granchester. In that brief moment, Hound Dog took note of his disheveled appearance and knew what he had to do.

          It was the period before Lunch when Aaron was called up to the office. It took Shinsou roughly pinching his side to get a reaction. Aaron was irritated but he was happy to finally see him do something. It was utterly saddening to see his friend like this, even if they had only known each other for a few days.

          The announcement repeated itself, and Aaron stood up, sighing softly as he left the room, his irritation growing.

          Passing the restroom on the way, he slowed to a stop, deciding he should at least clean himself up a little bit before heading to wherever he was summoned.

          Upon seeing himself, his eyes widen in shock at his appearance. His cheeks flushed in embarrassment and he stepped back slightly before he started to closely scrutinize himself.

          He began to run his fingers through his hair, combing it back and tucking his bangs behind his ears. He wiped his face with a cool, damp paper towel to reduce the redness and puffiness around his eyes.

          "Fuck..." he whispered to himself as he watched his hair slowly fall in front of his eyes.

          "I'm an embarrassment...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." he apologized to no one, standing up shamefully as he looked directly into his reflection's eyes, exhausted, and fixed his jacket and hair once more,

          He still looked less than presentable, but it was better than nothing. He left the restroom and began to search for the room he was called to. Upon finding it, he hesitated to enter as he read the sign on the wall next to the door.

          ‘Lifestyle Guidance Counselor- Hound Dog’. 

---

Caffeine here! Hope you all enjoyed part one of this exciting chapter! As a reminder, The Illegitimate Son will update weekly before switching to a biweekly schedule.

P.S.- While I will be taking over as the head writer for TIS, Chapter 4 was written entirely by @i-am-here-with-fanfic / Chaos, and I only partook in the editing process.

[unwelcome-ozian]

Symptoms attributed to trauma

Dissociation: Dissociation is an adaptive form of managing a dangerous situation; it is a form of freezing. When fighting is not an option a human being will freeze (Boon, Steele, & Van de Hart, 2011). The difficulty originates when it becomes the only way a human being knows how to cope or when they constantly perceive danger (Courtois & Ford, 2013). If a survivor is constantly in a state of disconnection or separation then it is maladaptive. People struggling with dissociation can become overwhelmed by negative emotions, focusing on the traumatic event or unpleasant emotions (Courtois & Ford, 2013). While focusing on past negative experiences, individuals lose focus on the present. They can also lose track of periods of time, as they remain stuck on negative emotions. An individual may choose to retreat or avoid intense stress, anxiety, or overwhelming emotions. They may chose to retreat 13 within themselves in order to avoid intense emotions or painful memories or experiences. People struggling with dissociation may also feel foggy, spaced out, or dazed. Their grasp on the present is, on occasion, tentative (Boon, Steele, & Van de Hart, 2011).

Somatization: The psychological and emotional stress related to complex trauma can lead to an increased need for extensive medical care (Ford & Russo, 2006; Van de Kolk, McFarlane, & Van der Kolk, 1996). Individuals experience chronic fatigue, chest pain, respiratory issues, headaches, back pain, muscle soreness, and ambiguous pain (Ford & Russo, 2006).

Alterations in self-perceptions: Women with complex trauma struggle with a chronic sense of guilt and an impaired self-concept. They take responsibility for the trauma, which contributes to intense feelings of shame and blame (Courtois & Ford, 2013). Individuals also integrate lessons learned by the abuser; they possess low self-esteem and self-concept, and feelings of worthlessness (Lonegan, 2014). 

Behaviour dysregulation: Women who have experienced complex trauma often exhibit risky behaviours, can become violent towards others, and place self in dangerous environments (Herman, 2015). On occasion, individuals place themselves in circumstances similar to traumatic event, re-traumatizing themselves (Courtois, 2004). 

Relationships with others: Individuals experiencing complex trauma often struggle with relationships. Survivors are often unable to trust, feel intimate with others, or perceive people as selfless or kind (Cloitre & Stolbach, 2009; Courtois & Ford, 2013; Herman, 2015). They struggle to create close, emotionally fulfilling relationships with others, including family and children. Parenting is also affected due to the parent’s inability to participate in an emotionally intimate relationship or feel vulnerable to others, even towards children or other family members (Courtois, 2004). 

Systems of meaning: Women struggling with CPTSD experience feelings of hopelessness, despair, loneliness, and isolation from others (Ford & Russo, 2006; Herman, 2015). They struggle to feel optimistic about their future or positive in regards to their ability to achieve personal goals (Courtois, 2004). 

Affective destabilization: This symptom includes emotional outbursts, supressed reactivity and the inability to regulate emotions. Emotional reactivity produces volatility, anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, and/or self-destructive behaviours (Courtois, 2004; Lonegan, 2014). For some women, this will be expressed in volatile emotional reactions, anger, and frustration, leading to fights, yelling, and explosions. For other women, the supressed feelings lead to self-injurious behaviours, inability to self-soothe in healthy manner, and addictions