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apple-grass-and-smiles · 4 years

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Anakin Skywalker and Gifts

Hi, welcome to another round of my Star Wars thoughts. Ever since the Phantom Apprentice aired I’ve been thinking a lot about Anakin and the gifts he’s given people. As a person who spends his entire life with relatively few possessions he can call his own, it is logical to assume that physical gifts are especially meaningful to Anakin. Over the past few months, I have also been thinking a lot about how Anakin is defined by the women in his life more so than the men (male characters often act as a foil to Anakin, which is a meta of its own about Anakin and his more stereotypically feminine characteristics). Then, because my brain does that, it felt logical to analyze Anakin’s gifts that he has given the women in his life and how those physical tokens represent his relationship with them. Below I’ll go over gifts Anakin gives Shmi, Padmé, Ahsoka, and Leia in roughly chronological order. (There’s also a TL;DR at the end if you want the short version.)

Shmi and C-3P0

The gift Anakin gives Shmi is a partially-finished C-3P0. He states in TPM that he is building Threepio to help Shmi and when Anakin leaves, Threepio acts as his stand-in (something that is a bit of a trend for Anakin). Anakin knows that his mother’s life is difficult and that the best thing he can give her is someone who will help to ease the burdens she carries. By leaving Threepio with Shmi he is doing his best to ensure that 1) someone will be there to take care of her the same way she always did for him and 2) that she won’t be alone. While we don’t see much interaction between Shmi and Threepio in Legends or canon, it is easy to assume that, especially in the early times after Anakin left, Threepio was Shmi’s main companion and tie to her son, so Anakin’s gift is more a surrogate son and constant companion than a protocol droid.

It is also worth noting that while Anakin clearly didn’t want Threepio sold (he says so in TPM), the droid could have been sold and brought Shmi money if that was what was needed. You could claim that Anakin also left some financial security and a better chance at Shmi buying her freedom by leaving Threepio; this just has less canon support.

Padmé and...

The Japor Snippet

Anakin gives Padmé tons of gifts over their time together. The first, and most frequently referenced, is the japor snippet. Anakin tells Padmé exactly what this gift is supposed to give/represent for her (good fortune and a reminder of him). From an out-of-universe point of view, the snippet also acts as a great visual symbol of Anakin and Padmé’s relationship. You see it a lot in ROTS as a marker for when Anakin and Padmé get to be themselves instead of their public personas. Ultimately, Lucas uses the snippet as a visual shortcut to remind us of the love between these two and Anakin’s intense infatuation/love/devotion for Padmé. For simplicity’s sake, and in hopes of keeping this from getting too long since the japor snippet’s symbolism can easily be an entire meta on its own, I’m saying that it represents good fortune and Anakin’s enduring devotion to Padmé.

C-3P0

This is a gift that is really only explicitly stated (to my knowledge) in Stover’s ROTS novelization. He writes a scene where Anakin passes Threepio onto Padmé very early on in their marriage as a “devotion-gift”. He explains that he can’t really keep Threepio because he’s a Jedi and that even if he could it wouldn’t make much sense for a Jedi to have a protocol droid. When “giving” Threepio to Padmé, Anakin explains that he “didn’t have many friends when [he] was a kid...so [he] built one”. In this case, Threepio once again acts as a stand-in for Anakin when he is away, but this time the droid is more of a friend than a helper or son like he was for Shmi. Anakin knows he can’t always be there for Padmé so he passes along his childhood friend and one of his greatest creations to her so that she can always have a friend with her.

His Lightsaber

This scene is great because once again Anakin lays out exactly what this particular gift represents. He repeats Obi-Wan’s mantra that the lightsaber is a Jedi’s life before handing it over to Padmé. There’s really not much to explain here, but this does create a nice parallel once Anakin gives Ahsoka her lightsabers, which, partially, symbolize him giving her her life/ability survive. Here he puts his life in Padmé’s hands as a sign of trust and devotion and later he will hand Ahsoka her blades to get across a similar message.

His Padawan Braid

Honorable mention to this *maybe*-kind-of-canon gift that features in the 2003 Clone Wars and the Stover ROTS novelization. In both pieces of media, Anakin gives Padmé his Padawan braid almost immediately after being Knighted. In Stover’s book, he says that the braid is a devotion-gift to Padmé and the “one thing that [Anakin] truly owned, that he had earned, that he was not required to renounce. One gift he could give to celebrate their love.” There are lots of things this gift could represent (I personally lean towards that it suggests that while he has devoted the past decade to the Jedi, he plans to give his future to Padmé), but since the braid really has no presence in things that are undeniably canon that I know of, we’re keeping this short and literal and saying the braid equals his devotion to Padmé.

Ahsoka and Her Lightsabers-

At this point I think there have easily been thousands of words written about Anakin giving Ahsoka back her lightsabers and all of the ones I have seen are stunning. In particular I want to point out Dave Filoni’s interpretation of what the lightsabers, and the fact that Anakin modified them to be blue, represent:

“Him tinkering with her lightsabers while she is gone shows that he was always thinking of her. And the lightsabers are then a representation of her in the story, and his thoughtfulness regarding her.” -Dave Filoni (transcript taken from here and the quote is in this video)

So, for Filoni and I blue lightsabers equal a representation of Ahsoka’s role in Anakin’s life. If you want to read more about this idea, I’d strongly recommend these: meta by @soccialcreature and @novaewalker, fic-like meta by @cross-d-a, and meta by @meandmyechoes. They all say what I’m thinking much more succinctly and clearly!

The other angle I want to point out is written about beautifully by @gffa here. Basically, the lightsabers come to represent not just Anakin’s role in Ahsoka’s life, but also the Jedi and the home and people Ahsoka desperately wants to return to. Lightsabers have always been the symbol of the Jedi both in- and out-of-universe. As has been mentioned and shown countless times in canon, lightsabers are also a symbol of a Jedi’s ability to survive (”This weapon is your life.”) and Anakin giving Ahsoka back her lightsabers is ultimately what keeps her alive throughout the Siege of Mandalore arc and her leaving one of them behind is what sells the story of her death, protecting her from being hunted by the Empire for a while.

Ultimately, the lightsabers are full of symbolism, but it is most worth noting that they represent: 1) Anakin caring/thinking about Ahsoka, 2) the Jedi and Ahsoka’s chance to return to them and Anakin, and 3) Ahsoka’s ability to survive the events that will follow.

Side note: I think it is also worth noting that Anakin tried to give Ahsoka back her silka beads at the end of the S5, but she turns them down. I’d argue that while the lightsabers stand for the Jedi as a group, the beads were a symbol of Anakin asking Ahsoka specifically to come back as his Padawan. When Anakin offered the silka beads he wanted Ahsoka to come back and to have nothing have changed, which is why she has to turn them down. The lightsabers are an open invitation to rejoin the Jedi when she is ready and a promise that he will accept her back whenever and however she chooses to return.

Leia and Luke-

This one is a bit tricky. Leia obviously doesn’t have a great relationship with Anakin and Anakin doesn’t ever get a chance to develop a meaningful one with her. However, I think Leia is fundamental in understanding Anakin and that’s why I felt it was important to include her in this. She is probably the character who Anakin would say is the best representation of his legacy since she manages to symbolize so many parts of what makes Anakin Anakin. (She is a blood relative to Shmi and Padmé and therefore representative, at least in appearance and genetics, of them; she has a lot of Ahsoka’s personality; if you stick with Stover’s ROTS then she’s the child that Anakin sensed was focused on since he didn’t sense Luke...; she’s a great amalgamation of traits and people that defined Anakin.) While we never have an obvious moment where Vader hands over a gift to Leia the same way he does in all the examples above, I would argue that Anakin’s gift to Leia is the most meaningful one of all: he gives her Luke.

People have pointed out over the years (I tried to find the posts about it but couldn’t; if you find one, please let me know) that Leia must have been thrilled to learn Luke was her brother because a twin meant she had family again. Luke is one of Leia’s best friends and a source of hope for her. Legends, and possibly canon that I don’t know about, has moments where Luke helps Leia to find the strength and peace to finally be able to forgive Vader for the horrible things he did to her and that helps her to be able to be happier and more fulfilled. This is definitely the most abstract of all the gifts, but I think it is important to recognize Luke and the love, forgiveness, and peace he brings into Leia’s life as the one gift that Anakin gave his daughter. He gave her so much pain, but also a person to help carry her through it, which is ultimately what all of his gifts have been about. Luke and Leia are the culmination of Anakin’s attempts to give companionship and love to the women he loves most in the galaxy.

TL;DR-

All of Anakin’s gifts to the women he loves are meant to represent something more abstract/deeper he wants to give them. Shmi gets Threepio who acts as a surrogate for her missing son and also provides much-needed help. Padmé gets multiple gifts from Anakin: the japor snippet (representing good fortune and her relationship with Anakin), C-3P0 (to be her friend when Anakin is away), his lightsaber (lightsabers equal the life of the Jedi they belong to), and his Padawan braid (open to interpretation, though I think, and Stover implies by calling it a devotion-gift, it’s a sign of him devoting his future to her). Ahsoka gets her lightsabers from Anakin, which represent that she will always have a place with the Jedi, the place she has in his life, and her ability to survive. The modification of the colors signify that he has continued to think about and care for her while she has been gone. Finally, Anakin gives Leia her twin brother, who helps to fill Leia’s need for family and brings additional peace, forgiveness, and joy into her life. All of these add together to tell a story of Anakin trying throughout his life to pass along love and his companionship to the women that mean the most to him.

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fantasy-land-and-ocean · 3 years

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Billy Hargrove: a mockery of the heterosexual man or why the assumption of his gayness is so widespread

So, I am kind of aware that fandom meta is not something that has appeared on this blog but I will attempt to write one now because well... This blog is about anything that grabs my attention ;-)

I saw Stranger Things in 2020 well after all 3 existing seasons have been completed. I finished all 3 without any in between ‘’distractions’’: I read no meta, speculation, articles from neither official sources nor fandom spaces.

Now, this may sound a bit exacerbated and is definitely not to be used in serious media analysis but I tend to consume media in a very ‘’go with the flow’’ type of way, I will not describe it as passive but whenever I watch a movie or TV series or read a book I am aware of keeping speculations low and just follow through with the story. This type of media consuming has lead to often my brain making ‘’instinctual’’ assumptions about where a story is headed based on being familiar with the tropes that any given genre is following. This assumptions are not the same as analysis as they tend to be in the moment thoughts that I make while consuming a story. I don’t think I am the only person doing that, generally I believe that visual storytelling such as a TV series or a movie can be consumed as a musical piece: You hear a chord and then you expect the chord that will follow to make auditory sense, if it does not then it can create dissonance and be unpleasant.

One example is when watching a monster shark movie that haven’t watched before and walked right in the scene where the shark was chasing one of the main characters. Despite not having watched the part of the movie that came before that scene nor knowing how the movie ends, I proclaimed that ‘‘He will live!’‘ and lived he did! I’m psychic ;-) Well, not really the reason I was able to predict this was because the shark was taking too long to kill this person and this type of movie relies on shock value: Characters are not killed for the audience to mourn but to create feelings of shock and fear to the viewers and the death of the character is done quickly. The shark was chasing the guy for about 5 minutes - any element of surprise that would have shocked the audience was gone! The trick in that scene was that the element of surprise that these type of movies rely on so much was gone: throughout the scene the shark was clearly seeing chasing the guy but the suspense of “is the shark lurking somewhere?” was gone.

What I am trying to say is that media rely on a level of predictability both based on their genre and the rules of their own universe.

Now, why am I writing this inconsistent and simingly unimportant rumbling and what it has to do with Billy Hargrove’s ‘‘heterosexuality’‘ ( quotation marks chosen on purpose). Well, I have one of those weird ‘‘assumption’‘ moments in season 2 were my instinctual speculation was that Billy is gay or that this is how he is written at least in subtext. This speculation was done while I was not aware of any spoilers or theories: at that moment I had not read any articles, speculation or meta around the show, from public (The Advocate) or fan sources (fan meta). I was just watching and I wasn’t even that invested in Billy as a character, though I admit I was curious about him and where his character is going. I also keep my hopes for LGBT+ representation on the low because well, I grew up in the ‘00s, I expect nothing!!! The first time I made this connection in my head was the shower scene where he calls Steve pretty boy and the second was the 2x08 scene where Neil calls him the f- slur.

Now, the first scene is interesting because it ends in a clear ‘‘no homo’‘ on Billy’s end ‘‘I’ll make sure I’ll leave you some’‘, Billy says to Steve referring to the ‘‘plenty of b*tches at the sea’‘. What is interesting about this scene, IMHO, is how disconnected Billy’s assertion of dominance and heterosexuality is with what is happening with Steve. See, Steve is not feeling down because of a loss of sexual virility and no longer getting all the girls - Steve is at the moment of this scene seeing his very important long-term relationship with a girl he is clearly emotionally attached to come to an inevitable end. And there is Billy! Talking about women in such a degrading manner and implying that they are the equivalent of a one use paper cup: News flash!! Steve can still potentially start a new relationship with a woman that had sexual relations with another guy :-0

There are two things that I want to mention about this scene that I have not scene mentioned:

The first is Billy’s detachment from heterosexual relationships: in his world women are to be used and discarded - their usefulness lost the moment they fill in their purpose of having intercourse with him? And while it could be chalked to Billy being a misogynist, I can’t help but think that Billy does not understand heterosexuality beyond a performative level. Sure, it could be that he does not comprehend romantic relationships due to the way he was raised and the relationship between his parents but the contradiction with Steve mourning the end of his relationship with Nancy and Billy making these crude and misogynistic comments that suppose to prove his heterosexuality can’t help but make me side eye the whole exchange.

The second, Billy’s quote ‘’I’’ll make sure I’ll leave you some’’ is interesting because it comes at the end of the scene where he refers to another guy as pretty AND leans into his personal space AND they are naked in the shower AND Billy turns off Steve’s shower to grab his attention. It feels like a last minute added No Homo Bro !!! to a very homo erotically charged scene. The question is whether the No Homo requires a Watsonian or Doylist explanation, more on that on the Season 3 session.

The second scene - where he is shown being bullied by his father and has the slur used against him - is, apart from showing to the audience where Billy’s bullying tendencies stem from, also used to connect him ~ in the narrative~ even more profoundly with Will Byers. Now, this comparison is interesting because Will himself is not confirmed as gay, so how will comparing him with Billy mean that Billy is gay?

Except, he technically is...In season one, Will is not part of the main cast throughout the majority of the season, though he is central to the season’s story line which centers around his disappearance. Throughout the season we learn important information about Will through his friends, family and other people in his life - including those that had a bad relationship with him (Lonnie, the bullies).

Which brings us to the main point of comparison: The audience is informed about Will’s possible gayness by learning that he is regularly a victim of homophobic bullying through 3rd person narrators in a season that he is not even present for most of its run. And then we see Billy also falling victim to homophobic bullying by his father. The show has already make other comparisons between Will and Billy, they have the same given name, they have abusive fathers and both are possessed by the Mind Flayer. Choosing to add homophobic bullying as another common narrative trait they share is definitely....a choice.

If the comparisons between Billy and Will were meant to stop in the role they will play regarding the defeat of the Mind Flayer ( that is if Billy is alive), then showing them both to be victims of homophobic bullying by their fathers is not only a waste of time but also seems a bit..cruel.... a least to the lgbt+ members in the audience that are exposed yet again to triggering slurs for no apparent reason.

When watching season 3, Billy’s heterosexuality was made clear to us, the audience: He is straight as arrow! He hits on Karen! He leers at her! He arranges to meet her in a motel! He has p0rn with naked women!!!! He and his girlfriends make reaally crazy noises!!!! He is straight!!!

But, is that the case?

Season 3 continuous the trend of treating Billy’s presented heterosexuality both as a joke and disconnected from him as a character:

The scene where he propositions Karen is cringe and feels not genuine at all. There is also the fact that Karen is for all intents and purposes unavailable to be anything more than a fling -she is a married woman with 3 kids -One at Billy’s age!!! Sure, Karen’s unavailability may mean nothing, but isn’t it odd that this is the only woman who we see Billy approach???

Heather: Heather!Heather!Heather! I could not speak enough about Heather and how bizarre it is that her and Billy are not dating. At least from the POV that Billy is straight.The thing about Heather is that she is a) a new character created exclusively for season 3 b) is a young, attractive girl close to Billy’s age and c) a character whose story is tight closely with Billy’s much more profoundly than Karen’s who drops out of Billy’s story-line after the storage room scene. So why not have Billy date her instead of trying to hook up with Karen? Come to think of it, it makes more sense: Karen not only drops out of Billy’s story-line but their flirtation and arrangement exists only to place Billy on the path of the Mind Flayer and in the next scenes we have with Karen, Billy is a non-factor in her story. So, why not have him date Heather? He gets attacked by the Mind Flayer on the way to meet her, she confronts him the next day because he didn’t came and she is worried about his behavior, he kidnaps and takes her to the Mind Flayer and the season continues as it was without wasting screen time on a relationship between a teenager and an adult woman that does not go anywhere! Well, because then we, the audience would take Billy’s romantic and sexual relationships with women seriously and not as a running joke.(Also, his almost comical indifference to Heather in the Moving in Stereo scene).

Penthouse and ‘’happy screams’’. The third case where the show displays Billy’s heterosexuality is when Max tells El about the ‘‘really crazy noises’‘ and ‘‘happy screaming’‘ when Billy is with a girl, and the dirty magazines with women in lingerie that they find at the top drawer next to his bed. For the second part I do think it is odd that the mags are placed in such an obvious and easy to find place -especially with how strict and obsessed with being proper Neil seems to be-, but I wanted to focus on the ‘‘happy screams’‘: This information is given to El and the audience through Max, an outsider’s POV and not Billy’s or any of the girls he apparently has been with. We are witnesses to a scene that never happens in the show! What I am trying to say here is that we do not see Billy directly interact with the girls he sleeps with, or for that matter even the women in the magazine pages: We never see Billy look at them as an object of desire!

Earlier, I mentioned the Doylist vs Watsonian approach when analyzing the instances where Billy’s heterosexuality is presented to the audience. What I meant by that was: Is the presentation of Billy’s straightness so cringe and unconvincing (at least to me) because he is not in fact straight and is trying to cover that fact by overcompensating or did the Duffer Brothers did not care enough about Billy as a character to present him as someone that at the very least is attracted to the gender he claims he is attracted to? In which the answer is...I don’t know... Sadly, I cannot possible know.

So,what I am trying to say above is that Billy’s heterosexuality appears:

A. To be very performative

B. Disconnected from him as a character that functions as a whole person within the show.

C. Narrated to as through characters whose POV are outside Billy’s (El and Max), without the audience seeing any interaction between Billy and the women he is interested in.

(That is consistent with the notion that Billy the character exists in order to play foil to different characters perspectives and motivations (ex. in season 2 one large part of his existence within the narrative was to give Max a reason to be distant and aloof to the Party).

The most appropriate example of this would be when Billy goes to the Wheeler house at the end of Season 2 and first meets Karen: In the scene prior, Karen is in her bathtub reading a Johanna Lindsey novel with the scene putting an emphasis on the cover. Once Billy appears on the screen after Karen opens the door, he is framed (in Karen’s POV) as looking very similar to the man in the cover. He is a fantasy for her but in a meta-narrative level, he is also a character whose existence informs other characters: making Steve look better in comparison for example.)

Continuing the observations on Billy’s performative heterosexuality, I cannot help but notice how contradictory it is with how the show describes heterosexual desire and attraction in other characters and specifically in other male characters, since those are the ones that Billy can be compared to.

Notice, how all the male characters that express interest in female characters do so in ways that feel genuine? Whether it’s Steve and his relationship with Nancy or even his crush on Robin, or Mike and El, Lucas and Max, Joyce and Hopper, Nancy and Jonathan or even Dustin’s crush on Max in season 2 and even his relationship with Suzie. Whether it’s UST, an established relationship, a relationship that ended or simply a crush that does not go anywhere all these relationships and dynamics have in common that the male characters in questions show genuine interest in the female characters they wish to pursue romantic relationships with (BTW, I am not claiming that all these characters are 100% straight just that they do experience heterosexual attraction).

Compare this to Billy whose interactions with women consist of:

Him making crude and offensive comments about women

Hitting on a middle aged woman in a manner that seems to come out of some cheap ‘80s porno and

His little sister and her friend finding his porn stash and gossiping about what he does when he is with a girl

Oh, and his chat with Vicki where he seemed almost comically indifferent to her

Yeah, no wonder he is behind in the ‘‘convincing heterosexual’’ department!

In conclusion, this meta is not trying to convince anyone that Billy Hargrove is gay. I am not trying to speculate about Billy’s canon sexuality, what I am writing here is merely an series of observations about why I believe so many people see the character as gay.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove meta #meta #gay billy hargrove

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latulasbian-1 · 4 years

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what are your thoughts on kankri? personally i never understood the appeal and im interested to hear your take since he Was on the b tier of your list

OK! Sorry for lateness but I only noticed your question at like 2:00 AM and needed a full tank of brain-gas to be able to convey my thoughts even semi-coherently.

So Kankri’s a weird one, probably one of the most convoluted and self-contradictory characters in Homestuck. Its fitting given he’s pretty much a one note joke and hussie’s one-note joke characters actually wind up being either his most oddly complex (see: equius and feferi for instance) or most sympathetic (see: Nepeta). Kankri’s a bit of both imo, though I wouldn’t call him a favorite for me.

Kankri’s characterization is built almost entirely on one fuckin’ note: “LOL AIN’T TUMBLR SJWs FUNNY AND ANNOYING!?!?!?”. If you disagree with this then I don’t even know what to tell you, bc everything from his style of long-winded monologues (that wind up running up on Hussie Ableism Moments bc in-narrative his infodumping is supposed to be annoying???) to his inability to take social cues to his supposed-to-be-interpreted-as-excessive use of trigger warnings to his unapologetic killjoy attitude to his supposed hypocrisy/”privilege” are literally all just a fucking layer cake of anti-SJW stereotypes. This is where the issue of how the fandom interprets Kankri kicks in, as people’s opinions on him (aside from a few diehards) tend to scale from “DAWWW CUTE WIDDLE UPPITY BEANBOY” to “fucking annoying neoliberal”. For the matter, neither of these are intended by Hussie, while he did design him to be cute he wasn’t meant to be hateable for leftist homestuck fans as a (neo-)liberal or faux leftist. Hussie just designed him after everyone hussie found annoying in the social justice community primarily on tumblr. Even his political monologues, though not WITHOUT hypocrisy and bullshit, tend to actually skew towards “pretty fucking reasonable hussie just thinks people being upset by bad stuff is stupid”.

Now, people cite Kankri being ableist in his criticism of certain other dancestors for ~conforming to stereotypes~, which yes from an in context scenario is pretty fucking bad. If someone IRL is dealing with their disability in a way you think seems pretty stereotypical keep that thought to yourself. HOWEVER, AS ONE OF THE MOST CRUCIAL POINTS TOWARDS KANKRI BEING GENERALLY SYMPATHETIC, WE GET THE META ELEMENT. Hussie, in writing a hypocritical mansplainer who goes on and on and on about everything thats politically incorrect about the people around him, practically beat-for-beat replicates talking points PEOPLE HAVE USED TO CRITICIZE HOMESTUCK ITSELF. YES! MITUNA’S PRESENTATION AS A CHARACTER IS 100% UNAMBIGUOUSLY AWFUL IN ITS PORTRAYAL OF PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES AND MENTAL DISORDERS. DAMARA IS A RACIST STEREOTYPE SO BAD HUSSIE SHOULD GET THROWN IN JAIL. INCEST IS BAD. If ANYONE in homestuck should’ve pulled the meta knowledge shit in post-canon, kankri would’ve been a WAYYYYYY better candidate than dirk for it, especially since kankri seems halfway to realizing he’s fictional just by political analysis of the story he’s in! Kankri seems to exist at the apex of Hussie’s confusion about fandom, given he’s baffled enough by people being obsessed with his work yet so intensely negative that he can only seem to think of them as obsessive manchild wierdos with no sense of rational thought. As someone who myself unironically loves Homestuck and yet have an entire third of my brain dedicated to ripping it apart on an ethical level, I can see some of myself in that turtleneck’d contrarian. Just because someone is a fan of something doesn’t mean they will or should unthinkingly defend it from all recourse. This is something homestuck as a whole struggles with, I think back to the aspect or extended zodiac quiz where one of the questions amounted to “someone is talking shit about a show you like, how do you respond” and there wasn’t even an answer for “actually listen to what they’re trying to say and consider if they could be right”. Kankri is a symbol of sorts for those critical enjoy-ers, in a way. A stupid silly not-that-meaningful way, but a way. I think people should reclaim him.

I’ve touched on it a bit before, but the last main sympathizing aspect of kankri for me (aside from personality things like his frankly unearned patience with a friend group that entirely fucking hates his guts) is a trait share by almost all the dancestors: Hussie’s fucking disturbing use of mental illness & psychiatric disorders with them. Between Kankri’s unwillingness to observe common social cues, his overtly poised and practiced manner of speaking, his obsession with using trigger warnings to warn off confrontation in leu of not just speaking his mind with everything, his tendency to cling to certain articles of clothing for long periods of time, his implied difficulty taking care of himself physically, and the fucking insulting “mom-friend useless-manchild-who-needs-nannying” dynamic he has with Porrim, he comes off (intentionally or no) as a beat-for-beat embodiment of an autistic person as seen through Hussie’s tropey and horribly ableist worldview. This is a common trait he shares with both Aranea and Mituna, as well as many of the other dancestors to lesser degrees (many of them, like Mituna, also have OTHER mental disorders flat-out-stated in such a way that makes their depiction just fucking confused and bad). For me, and for at least SOME other people, it makes unbiased critical reactions to them damn near impossible. They deserve better than how hussie can write them. In a lot of ways I have friends like Kankri, and Hussie’d almost fucking certainly find them just as embarrassing and annoying as he meant for Kankri to be.

So yeah, Kankri isn’t my favorite by any means but i don’t feel like i can or should condemn him. He’s fun. I’d watch his video essays.

And this isn’t even BEGINNING to touch on how much I loathe Porrim as an example of “good cool fun feminists that hussie can sexualize!” And her more open bisexuality than other trolls being both a tool for fetishization by Hussie and a fucking skin-crawling thing to use as a contrast for Kanaya’s status as either “the only confirmed lesbian in homestuck (until postcanon showed rose was a lesbian too)” or “the only lesbian troll in existence ever bc thats totally how sexuality would work with aliens” (sorry if you ascribe to the “all trolls are bisexual bc they’re supposedly binormative as a get-out-of-jail-free card for hussie’s hetero-ass ship tease shit” then. well get better soon)

(seriously though everyone who pulls the “kanaya is the only lesbian alternian” shit owes every lesbian 100 dollars)

#homestuck #kankri #longpost #discourse #Anonymous

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waywardbeanie · 4 years

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A Man of Letters - Chapter Thirteen

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female Reader Summary: It started as a simple hunt for Sam and Dean Winchester. Dean didn’t realize that this single case would change his life forever. Now they are on the biggest mission of their lives, and without the use of cellphones, the only way he can communicate with the love of his life is through old fashioned letter writing. He has done everything in his power to keep her safe, but will it be enough? Word Count: 7889

Series Warnings: Language, slow burn, angst, smut, alcohol consumption, fluff, SPN typical violence (individual chapters will contain relevant warnings) a little meta Chapter Warning: SPOILER if you have not seen Season 14, humor (Is that really a warning?) and a little bit of sweet.(Always), angst.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read this series so far, I have loved writing it and watching the characters grow. I appreciate EVERY ONE OF YOU who are taking this journey with me. We are a little less than half way there so BUCKLE UP!

Thank you to my beta @winchest09 and my mind melder, idea bouncer and my cheerleader @whatareyousearchingfordean I would be lost without you both!

MASTERLIST A Man of Letters

If you’d like to be tagged, my list is open. Just send me an ask HERE: **Make sure you check out the playlist, it is updated every chapter and an essential part of the story**

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Dean "I Build Shit" Winchester

PO Box 323

Sioux Falls, SD 57101

Dear Dean,

I decided to go up to the cabin, but don’t worry about sending letters here. I will be back at the bungalow before you mail the next one. I know this job is necessary; we talked about it for a while before you left; I think all of us are just at the end of our rope with how long it is stretching on forever. How did the raids go? I hope that they are turning up something to get this thing moving in the right direction. I’m so glad we redid the inside of the cabin, now that it is entirely different just how we want it, it doesn’t drag up all of my parents' sad memories, only the good ones. Do you remember that we had our first fight here? I think I can count on one hand the number of actual arguments we have had, looking back it seems so silly now, kind of, but I was so angry and hurt, understandably so. Sam and I were definitely on the same team at that time. The snow is beautiful at the cabin right now; you can see about two dozen ice fishermen from the dock. Jody calls about once a week; we chat, and I know she is checking on me; I’m also sure you know she does. One of the other reasons I came up here is to get away from all of the nosy people. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think they are great, but one more question from the older people about if I ‘stopped seeing that nice boy’ or the interrogations from the women who are digging for information, I was going to freak out, so off to the cabin I went. I miss Donna too, but I’m glad you have her there. I’m sure she shared the story when she, Jody and I got drunk when they came down to check on me at the cabin during the spring, when everything was a mess. It was rough at the time, but it was a good weekend with them.

Ugh, these sad-sack letters are killing me. I swear, the next one will be happy; I think all this time away from each other is just hard. Whoever said, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” can kiss my ass because really, all it does is make me miserable or angry, and I hate being either of those things. On a happier note, I drew a picture of the new deck. I think we should build when you come home as you asked me to months ago. I think we should make it larger than the one that is there now. Don’t worry; I can hear you laughing at me saying, “Of course you do” I think I will close for now and bake some muffins so I can include it with this letter. Please tell everyone I said hello, and I’m seriously counting down the days until you get back here. Please stay safe and watch your ass.

I Love You,

Your Initial

20 months ago

Deans POV

After Michael possessed Dean for the second time, he locked him away inside his mind, using the same beer cooler that Michael had created as Dean's happy place to cage him up. Michael never stopped banging, never stopped trying to get through the door. Still, Dean was confident that he had him locked up for good until Billie, now known as Death, came to see him in the bunker to tell him all of his stories in the library now ended the same, with Michael breaking free and using his vessel to burn their world down, all but one. The book that Billie gave him to let him know he had some choices to make.

Dean walked into the library the next morning to find Sam sitting at the table surrounded by books. “Whatcha reading?”

“Looking for stuff on archangels, it’s pretty interesting stuff,” he commented, looking up to face his brother, a determined look resting on his face. “Dean, we will find a way to fix this.”

“You know,” Dean gestured to the table, “I appreciate it, everything you have done, and you are doing.”

“Of course,” Sam smiled thinly, “that’s what we do, we are going to beat this. We have a lot to go through, why don’t you pull up a chair? I could use some help.”

“Actually, I thought I would go for a drive, you know me and Baby and a long stretch of road, and while I’m at it I thought I would go see Mom at Donna’s cabin, then Y/N,” he was glancing through the books on the table, doing whatever he needed not to make eye contact with his baby brother.

“Oh...okay,” Sam stuttered. “Yeah, give me a minute so I can get to a stopping point, and I will gather my stuff so we can go.”

“Well, about that,” Dean stalled, “I was hoping for some, one on one time with Mom and I just need to check on Y/N to make sure she is okay and to let her put eyes on me, so she knows I am too.”

Sam’s eyebrows knitted as he looked at his older brother; something wasn’t right, not to mention that he had Michael banging around in his head, yet, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. “It will be good for you to see them, and I know they both want to see you, do whatever you need.”

Dean pressed his lips together, trying to keep the sadness at bay. “Okay.”

As he walked around the table, he stopped behind Sam and reached around to hug him tightly for just a moment.

Standing up, he patted his shoulder, “Take care, Sammy.”

It was then that Sam began to realize there was more to Dean’s visits then he was telling him. The younger Winchester waited until he heard Baby leave the garage to start his search, hoping that he could find some answers to his brother’s decision to leave the bunker.

“Sam,” Y/N smiled as she picked up the phone.

“Hey Tink, how are you doing?” he asked, but she could hear an edge to his voice.

“I’m good.” She was walking around her newly finished kitchen at the cabin, wiping off the counter before she stopped and set the phone down, putting it on speaker. “You don’t sound so good. What’s going on?”

“Have you talked to Dean?”

“Yeah, Dean called last night," she thought back. "He said he was going to see your Mom, then come here, also that he wanted to work on a few things in the boathouse to clear his head. Why, Sam, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know, Tink, I’m worried,” he sighed. “Ever since we locked Michael up, he has been acting strange, and now, he’s packed up and just left when we have so much to do.”

She pulled out one of the stools from the counter and sat down, resting her elbows on the counter and holding her head up with her hands, staring at the phone. “You know how he is, Sam; He hates research when a lot is going through his head, Dean needs to move, that is how he thinks best.”

“I know, it’s just-” she could hear him running his hands through his hair, “he hugged me before he left.”

“Okay…” she scrunched her eyebrows together, “that was nice.”

“Tink, we don’t hug, you know that,” he sighed. “I mean, we do, but it’s literally a life or death thing.”

She covered her face with her hands. “I don’t know, Sam, he will be here late tonight, he is going to have dinner with your Mom first. Have you talked to her?”

“I have, Dean called her and said he would come by because he had a supply run. Maybe you’re right; it could be he needs to work in the boathouse and get moving to clear his head.”

“He and I will talk when he’s here, Sam. If I’m worried or if things don’t seem like they should, I will call you, I swear.”

“Yeah, okay, thanks, Tink,” he sighed, “talk soon.”

Dean opened the door quietly to the cabin, the only light in the living space was above the stove, giving the area a soft glow. Dean spotted Y/N immediately asleep on the couch. Closing the door softly behind him, he sat down his bag and leaned against the wall, never taking his eyes from her. Curled in a ball, she was facing him; her hair spread on a pillow, Y/N wore a fitted tank top with a pair of plaid boxers that he laughingly referred to as her old man underwear. Her expression was peaceful, with slightly parted lips. He began to wonder if she knew how beautiful she was or how her pure heart had changed his life for the better, but most of all, he questioned if she knew how much he really loved her. Leaving his brother was hard enough, but leaving her would be the most difficult. He wiped at a tear that silently rolling down his cheek, his heart beat painfully in his chest, knowing the anguish that she and Sam would face when they find out he is gone.

“Babe,” she heard Dean whisper, shaking her shoulder. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” Y/N slowly blinked open her eyes to see him crouched next to her.

“Hey,” she smiled sleepily, “I’m sorry, I must have fallen asleep.”

He brushed her hair back and pressed a kiss to her lips. “It’s after 2:00 in the morning; I would have been surprised if you were awake.” He slipped his hand in hers as he pulled her from the couch. “Let’s hit the hay; I'm so tired.”

She followed him groggily as he led her into the bedroom. Once inside, he closed the door behind him as she crawled under the sheets and watched him strip down to his boxers. He pulled down the blankets and slid in, drawing her to his side as she snuggled in and rested her head on his chest, tugging her closer, he kissed the top of her head. Her hand started to roam his chest as she leaned in and ran her lips up his neck to his ear.

He captured her hand with his and stilled it against his chest. “Babe, I really want to, I do, but I’m just exhausted tonight.”

“Okay.”

That is when she knew something was wrong; when Dean had a lot on his mind having sex was always a top priority, it let him forget about everything else. She snuggled back into him, listening to the steady beat of his heart. Both were staring into the dark, lost in their separate thoughts until sleep finally overtook them.

The sun was streaming through the window when Y/N woke up the next morning to an empty bed, reaching over she touched his side to feel the cold material under her fingertips. She strained to listen for a moment, hoping to hear him rattling around in the kitchen, but it was dead silent. A feeling of uneasiness washed over her as she got up and walked to the chest of drawers, pulling on a clean hoodie and pair of shorts. She padded out to the kitchen to start coffee then walked over to the window, peeking through the blinds; Baby was still there parked next to her Jeep, so she knew Dean was around here somewhere. Making her way to the bathroom she washed her face, brushed her teeth and then picked up her phone, to call Sam.

“Hey Tink.”

“Sam,” she greeted, jumping right in, “I think you're right, I don’t know what it is, but something is going on.”

“Yeah,” she could hear the concern in his voice, “I think I should come up; there is some stuff missing from the bunker.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “Just let me try to talk to your brother. I told you I would call, but maybe he needs some time.”.”

“Okay, okay,” he conceded. “Just let me know if anything changes with him?”

“I will, Sam,” she promised, “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Right,” Sam agreed, “soon.” She didn’t know the younger brother was already on his way to the cabin. He had his suspicions, and none of them were good.

Y/N laid her phone on the counter and finished making her coffee. Picking up her mug, she headed outside to find Dean. Hearing noises coming from the boathouse, so she made her way toward the dock when the sound stopped, and a moment later, Dean walked out the door, slamming it behind him. The look on his face chilled her to the bone; she couldn’t put her finger on it exactly; it was a mixture of anger, resolution, and sadness. When he spotted her standing in the middle of the yard, mug in hand, he pasted a smile on his face, but she knew, even from where she was standing, that he was pretending for her benefit, the smile never reached his eyes.

“Hey Babe, What are you doing out here?”

“I woke up, and you were gone, I thought maybe you had left, when I saw Baby was still here I thought I would come to find you and see what you were up to.”

“Oh, you know,” he ducked his head so she couldn’t see his face, “just messing around.”

“Anything in particular?”

“No, nothing specific,” he finally looked up, making eye contact. “You know a lot of stuff needs to get done, so I thought I would get a drop on it. Besides-” he opened his arms “-I needed to come see my girl,” he pulled her into him, holding her tight. He closed his eyes, feeling her in his embrace. This is what he was going to think about later when there were no more choices left to make.

She pulled away, looking up at him, her fingers running along the scruff of his jaw as she met his gaze. “Dean, whatever you are going through, whatever you are thinking, you can talk to me.”

He swallowed hard, a pained look sweeping across his face. “You know, everyone keeps asking me how I am, but here's the thing-” he inhaled deeply “-I just don’t want to talk about it, I can’t...please.”

She leaned against him, laying her face into his chest. “If you say so,” she whispered.

Dean kissed the top of her head, lingering for just a moment before leaning back to look at her face. “I’m starving, why don’t we head to that diner in town and grab some pancakes?”

Y/N scrunched her nose, “I’m not really feeling pancakes,” she lied. What she needed was to get in that boathouse to see what the Hell Dean was doing because she knew him well enough to know something was going on, she could feel it in her bones.

“Seriously?” he asked skeptically. “You don’t want pancakes? You love pancakes.”

She shrugged stepping out of his embrace, “I don’t know Dean, I think donuts from the bakery sound really good. Can you go get some?”

“I guess I could,” he hedged, glancing quickly at the boathouse.

“Great!” she smiled turning to walk towards the cabin. “Can you get the apple fritter and jelly kind? You know those are my favorite.”

Stopping at the steps, he bent to brush a kiss to her lips before continuing on to Baby. Cranking the engine, he glanced one more time at Y/N and roared down the driveway. She stood at the bottom of the steps until she could no longer hear the Impala. Setting down her cup on the steps she turned and glanced at the dock.

The blood roared in Y/N’s ears, and her heart banged against her ribcage as she quickly made her way to the boathouse she was praying that she could answer what was going on with Dean in there. It was more than just Michael locked away in his head; she could feel it.

The door opened with a loud screech that made her jump. She rolled her eyes to herself; sneaking around was just not her thing. Snapping the switch on, she saw a large metal rectangular box with symbols carved into it. She stood and stared at it for a moment as she swallowed the bile rising in her throat; it looked like a coffin. Y/N slowly made her way to the container. A few books were sitting on the top; with shaky fingers, she flipped open the first one; it had a picture of a casket matching the one in front of her with a skeleton lying inside; she riffled through the pages, scanning them as the realization dawned on her. It is a Ma’lak box, and it's to imprison archangels. She clamped her hand over her mouth as sour taste hit her tongue, her insides twisting. She slammed the book closed and ran out of the boathouse, making it out just in time to lose her stomach's contents on the dock's side. The dry heaves hit her as she finally stood up, wiping her mouth with her sweatshirt sleeve. Her brain was jumping in a thousand different directions at once.

Dean was going to kill himself. She couldn’t think straight; she pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes in an attempt to get her thoughts together. “SAM!” her head screamed. She sprinted toward the cabin; Y/N knew she left her phone in the kitchen so she would call Sam, he would know what to do. As she was almost to the porch, the roar of Baby’s engine came up the driveway; she had run out of time.

She stood on the porch as Dean got out of the car, a white bakery box in hand. His long strides brought him to the bottom of the steps quicker than she could pull herself together. His smile fell as he saw her pale face and watery eyes.

“Babe, what’s going on?” his face filled with concern.

“No, Dean!” she pointed at him, her voice, a mixture of barely contained anger mixed with hysteria.

He set the box down on the steps, the knot in his stomach growing heavier with the apprehension that she knew his secret. “Tell me Y/N,” he rasped.

“I saw it, Dean,” she shakily accused, “what you are building in the boathouse, what you are planning. How could you do this?”

“It needs to be done. Y/N, there is no other choice.” He ran his hand over his face, resigned. “Billie showed me that if I don’t do this, Michael will break free, and if that happens, he will burn this world down, and I can’t risk that.”

“So what is the big plan, Dean?” she threw her hands up, raising her voice. “You and Michael get in that damn box, and we just pick a spot and bury you?”

“Not exactly,” he shook his head, climbing the steps to join her on the porch.

“Then what?”

“I don’t want to-” he reached for her, but she backed up out of his grasp.

“Bullshit!” she exploded. “You do not get to do this, Dean, you do not get to say you would rather I didn’t know, it’s too fucking late for that.”

“Fine,” his anger rising, “ burying me isn’t good enough, I’m going to find someone with a boat to drop me in the middle of the Pacific,” he brushed his hands together. “Done, problem solved.”

“So let me get this straight,” she started, tears streaming down her face, “ you and Michael, trapped underwater, together until the end of time. You know that’s crazy, right?”

“No Y/N” he sighed, “ it’s the only sane plan there is. Michael can’t get out of that box and he will get out of my head, eventually. So this, it’s the only card I have left to play.”

“Fuck that and fuck Billie!” she yelled, stomping her foot. “There has to be another way! Sam can find another way; you don’t have to do this!”

“Listen,” he pleaded, “Sam has tried, you know he has with Cas and Jack too. There is no other way Michael is coming,” he tapped his temple with his index finger. “I can feel that door in my head giving way; I’m out of options.”

“So that’s it,” she cried. “You came out here to build this, stopped by to see Donna and your Mom for what? To say goodbye, and then just leave? You were going to leave and not say goodbye to Sam or me, just disappear? Do you know how unfair that is?”

Anger and regret flashed in his eyes as he ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t have a choice, don’t you see that? You two were the last two people on this earth that I could be around because you are the only two that could talk me out of it, and Y/N I won’t be talked out of it, I can’t.”

She stared at him, her chest heaving, the understanding that she was helpless to stop him washing over her, the pain almost crushing her. “I can’t do this,” she whispered.

“Can’t do what?” he demanded

“I can’t stand by and watch you kill yourself.”

“I don’t have any other choice,” Dean lamented sadly. “What do you want from me?”

“You know I have never asked you for anything,” she shot back.

“Then ask for something!” he yelled.

“Fine,” she threw up her hands, pacing on the cabin's porch, “I want you to be safe! I don’t want you to die! I just want you to think about-” she choked out a sob.

“What Y/N?” he grasped her shoulders, stopping her misstep. “What is it that you want? Tell me!”

“Really?!” she shouted, jerking out of his grasp but standing her ground, tears continuing to roll down her face. "You want to hear this now? Well, here it is: I want you to love me more than you want to save the fucking world, okay?”

Dean stepped back, flinching as if she had physically slapped him. At that very moment, he realized she had no idea how deep his feelings for her were. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” she laughed humorlessly, “sorry for what, Dean? Sorry for making me fall in love with you, sorry for pretending that we might have a future together, or are you sorry for throwing it all away to lock yourself in a fucking box to die? Please tell me!” She shoved at his chest, but he didn’t move, which made her cry harder in anger. He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her; she struggled for a moment before collapsing onto his chest, her mournful cries shredding him inside as he tried to stop his tears from falling. They stood there holding each other, fearing letting go would mean saying goodbye forever.

When Sam pulled into the drive, Dean and Y/N were sitting on the stoop, both looking out to the woods, her hand resting in his. Dean turned to look at his brother; when their eyes met, Sam knew that whatever was happening was terrible; Dean’s eyes were red-rimmed, jaw clenching, and unclenching. Y/N glanced up, the look of anguish scared him. Getting out of the car, he slowly approached them.

“What are you doing here, Sammy?” Dean asked, his voice raspy and monotone.

“Some things were missing from the bunker,” he replied, “things that I can’t figure out why you would take.”

Y/N exhaled loudly, "Tell him, Dean," her voice flat as she stood up, pulling her hand from his. She walked up the three steps into the house, closing the wooden door quietly behind her.

“Tell me what?” he asked harshly, knowing he would not like the answer.

Dean stood up and began to make his way to the boathouse. “Come on,” he waved, his voice solemn, “I’ll just show you.”

Sam followed his brother into the boathouse, at the sight of the metal coffin, anger and sadness hit him full force. Dean tried to explain the plan to his baby brother, however the more he went into detail, the more infuriated Sam became, frustrated with his brother's willingness to self-sacrifice. .

“So, that’s it, then?” he questioned, “are we even going to talk about it?”

“Why?’ his older brother answered, “It doesn’t change anything.”

“Dean,” Sam appealed, “we know we could die, it’s part of the job, but what you're doing? It’s worse than death. Michael is an archangel; he could keep you alive and buried with him forever.”

Dean lifted a shoulder, defeated. “It doesn't matter.”

“The hell it doesn’t!” Sam yelled. “You are just willing to walk away from all of us, from your family, who want to help you! Aren’t you even scared?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t scared,” he sighed, running his hands over his hair, “but what’s the other option? Michael gets out and destroys everything because it’s all right there in Billie’s book, just like I told you.”

“That's only if we can’t find another way, Dean, there has to be another way.”

“And what is that way, Sam?” Dean asked, resigned, “Tell me.”

Sam threw up his hands, searching for words to fight his case.

“Exactly,” he pointed his finger at his younger brother, “which is why it’s going to be my way. Look, Sammy, you are either with me on this or not. If you aren’t with me, you gotta tell me now; I need to know if you are going to see this thing through to the end.”

“I don’t like it, Dean, there has to be another way, but you will not do this alone. I give you my word.”

“I just don’t need you to get shaky on this or you and Y/N to come up with some plan that isn’t going to work. It has to be my way.”

“What about Cas and Jack or Mom?” Sam questioned, “You haven’t said anything to them; why?”

“I know,” Dean huffed, running his hand along the back of his neck. “I’m just not good at the big goodbye thing; I can’t second guess myself now.”

“Well, Dean,” Sam shook his head, disappointed, “that wouldn’t be the worst idea.”

“You know what Michael wants; you know this is the only way to stop him, so either get on board or let me know now because I’m not going to drag this out.”

Sam looked at his older brother in the eye. “I said I am there until the end, and I mean it, I don’t agree with it, and I think there is another way, but I have your back Dean, always.”

“There is a trailer outback; I’m going to hook it up to Baby, then I need your help loading this box on it. Can you do that?”

“Of course,” Sam nodded once, “What about Tink?”

“I don’t know if she is going to come back out of the house.” He rubbed his stubble in thought.

“So, that’s it?” Sam questioned angrily, “You are just going to leave her there, after all of this?”

“No, Sam,” he met his brother's eyes, matching his anger, “I’m going to go in there and do the thing I never wanted to do, I’m going to tell her goodbye.” He choked on the last word, “So, I need you to do me a favor, Sammy.”

“I know what you are going to ask me,” he stated.

“Well, I’m asking anyway, watch out for her, would you? Check-in just to make sure she is alright.”

“Uh-huh.” Sam looked at Dean, his lips in a firm line, “I will, but I’m telling you she isn’t going to be fine, none of us are.”

Dean hooked up the trailer behind Baby, and he and Sam loaded the Ma’lak box, securing it to the trailer. Sam went to gather all of the tools from the boathouse as Dean walked into the cabin. As he entered the front door, it was eerily quiet, Y/N nowhere to be found; he stuck his head into every room checking for her. Dean knew in his gut she was in the bedroom they shared, his stomach sinking just a little bit more with every step to his destination. Stopping in front of the door, he saw her lying on the bed, under the covers with her back to him, staring out the glass wall.

“Babe,” he said softly, she didn’t move, she didn’t acknowledge him, he knew she wasn’t sleeping as he watched her breath. Tiptoeing into the room, he sat on the bed, placing his large hand on her back to comfort her. Instead, she flinched under his touch, which was an arrow to his soul. Standing up, he walked to the other side of the bed, crouching down in her eyesight, he tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn’t look at him, instead just closed her eyes, silent.

“Y/N,” he whispered, “I have to go.” He watched her face as he said the words, tears leaking from her closed lids soundlessly. Brushing her hair back from her face, he leaned and pressed a kiss to her temple. “I’m sorry.”

She nodded her head once against the pillow, acknowledging his words, squeezing her eyes tighter, afraid to speak for fear she would fall apart.

“Please look at me,” he pleaded, his hand resting on the side of her head, his thumb brushing against her brow. She squeezed her eyes tight and then opened them, her tears glistening off her lashes. Dean wished he hadn’t have asked her, he saw all of the pain she felt in her expressive eyes, which made him physically feel the grief he was causing. Her heartache was going to be what he remembered when he was locked in that box, haunting him for eternity. Dean didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to close himself in that damned coffin. Yet, he didn’t have a choice. Between Y/N and Sam, he was starting to waver. Her watery eyes blinking at him, he smiled sadly. Leaning down, he brushed a soft kiss across her mouth and heard her choke back a sob. Speaking against her lips, he whispered, “I love you, Y/N. You’ll forever be in my heart..”

Standing up, unshed tears in his own eyes, Dean pulled the blanket up, tucking it underneath her chin. Shoving his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, he walked to the bedroom door.

“Dean,” she choked out.

He paused, turning around, she was still facing the window, on a shuttered breath, she spoke, “I will always love you.”

With that, he turned on his heel, the tears finally falling as he made his way to the car and his brother, away from the only woman he truly loved with every ounce of his being.

Dean’s POV

The next three weeks were a whirlwind. Sam talked him into taking one more job before they dropped him in the ocean. Dean knew he was stalling for the inevitable, but what was one more job? Dead bodies with symbols carved in them? Enochian marks, it was right up their alley. They were prophets or more specific damaged prophets because Donatello was in a coma thanks to Castiel, not exactly dead but not alive. They were able to bring Donnie back, again thanks to Cas, he still didn’t have a soul, but there were worse things at this point.

Dean and Sam had fought. His little brother had sucker-punched him, trying to knock some sense into him, accusing him of throwing in the towel and quitting on not only him but Y/N. That they must mean nothing to him after everything that had done together, Sam believes in them, so why doesn’t Dean?

The elder Winchester then made the decision to put the Ma’lak box on the back burner, just for the moment. It was still the only option he could see, but if Sam needed to see this through, he was going to give that to him, how could he not? The younger Winchester was right; after all, they had been through a lot together, how could Dean just quit? He believed in them, in all of them and Hell, Billie might be wrong after all, but one thing he knew for sure is that he could count on his family. Dean made Sam and Cas promise him that if it comes to an end and they have run out of options, they would do what they couldn’t do now, and that was let him go. They had to promise to put him in the box and drop him in the ocean's bottom.

Once the promises were made, they headed back to the bunker, Dean's phone burning in his pocket; he just wanted to hear her voice. Still, until they came to a resolution with Michael, he could not call her; this painful back and forth was never what she agreed to. At this point, she may never forgive him, so he needed to hold tight to see if they could find a solution before he reached out to her again.

A few days after they got back to the bunker, they got some information on a guy who owned a pawn shop who had robbed and killed Bart Kemp, a friend of theirs who was murdered and his place emptied. In the boxes of occult items recovered, he discovered a Baozhu pearl, only one of eight in existence; it was supposed to give you what your heart desires. Dean knew he wanted to throw Michael out on his ass, no more riding shotgun in his head. The brothers knew they were running out of options; this might be their last hope.

When they got home, they decided to try it; if it didn’t work, there was no reason to share it with the rest of the family. Placing the pearl in his hand, he concentrated on Michael leaving; he knew it must be working because the lights went out, and that is when all hell broke loose, in the very best and very worst way possible. In the dark, someone hit them both with the butt end of a shotgun; as the lights came back on, standing in front of them was the one person the brothers ever thought they would see again, their father, John Winchester.

It took them all a few minutes to wrap their head around what they saw as John struggled with the fact that they were so much older than when he was pulled 16 years into the future. Sitting at the kitchen table, they tried to fill their father in on all of the things that happened since he traded his life and the colt for Dean’s life so many years ago. Although in shock and a little awe, John agreed it was all worth it to avenge Mary’s death, but that was the news that would knock John on his ass as he heard Mary’s voice calling to their boys as she entered the bunker.

Seeing his parents see each other for the first time in decades was bittersweet for Dean, that his heart desired to have his family together. Just one person was missing because he didn’t have it in him to call her and disappoint her one more time. He and Sam figured out quickly that bringing their Dad into the future had changed the whole trajectory of history. Sam was a kale eating attorney who gave Ted Talks; Dean was still a hunter wanted by every agency under the sun. They knew the only way to fix this was to send John back to 2003. That is the Winchester way, doing the right thing no matter what the personal cost. They were able to have one meal together before they sent their Dad back, the one meal that they would always remember, although John would recall it as a dream. Mary told John about Y/N during the dinner, although she had yet to meet her, she and Dean had been together almost a year and a half, and Mary saw the joy she brought to her eldest son and wanted her husband to know it too. John pulled Dean to the side before they had to say goodbye for the final time.

“Dean,” his father began, “I never meant for this, for you to live this life, this was my fight never yours, it was my fight with yellow eyes, now look at you, you are a grown man, and I am incredibly proud of you,” he sighed. “You know son, I guess I hoped eventually you would find a life, a normal life, a peaceful one, settle down and start a family of your own.”

“You know, Dad,” Dean smiled sadly, “I have a family.”

John matched his sad smile with one of his own, “I know you do, with Sammy, Jack, and Cas, and it’s a good family.” Reaching out he and grasped his shoulder, “but Dean, you have a chance to have what your Mom and I had, not with all the tragedy that comes with it, but a real-life that you can call your own, with a woman that loves you,” John chuckled, "despite your faults. Your Mom said she is something special.”

“She is Dad; she really is,” Dean choked.

“Well then,” he smiled, “when all this gets figured out with Michael, and don’t you kid yourselves, you two boys will figure it out. You need to go to Y/N and tell her Dean, tell her that the world does not spin without her, because if you don’t, and you try to live this life without her? You will die, maybe not on the outside,” he patted his chest over his heart, “but in here. Trust me, son, I’m telling you this because I lived it. Go to your girl, Dean. You will have a life better than you could ever dream of.”

“Thanks, Dad” Dean's mouth quirked up at the side, tears shining in his eyes, “that means more to me than you will ever understand.”

“I know I didn’t always show it-” John rasped, “because I was too wrapped up in my own revenge, but Dean, I wanted the best for you and Sam always. Now you two have a chance to live your best life, do it, both of you.” He pulled Dean to him and hugged him tightly, “go and live the only life your Mom and I ever wanted for you. I love you, son.”

“You to Dad,” he choked. “I love you too.”

Inhaling deeply, John sniffed as he stepped back, shoving his hands in his pockets, "well, I guess we need to get to it then.”

“Yeah,” Dean croaked, hanging his head.

Standing in the library, John hugged his sons, reminding them again how proud he is of both of them and also reminding Dean that he should listen to his old man’s advice. He held Mary’s hand as Sam crushed the Baozhu pearl under a pottery bowl, watching with heavy hearts as John disappeared.

As Dean lay in his bunk that night, he flipped through the pictures of Y/N on his phone. The smile on her face warmed him through the photograph as his father's words repeated through his mind. There was one thing that troubled him. What if this was the time that she could not forgive him? What if this was the thing that destroyed everything they had built together? What if once again he sabotaged his own life for everyone else. If they could figure this Michael situation out, he would call her, no, he would get in Baby and find her because she deserved nothing less and just hoped to God or whoever was listening that she would give him one more chance.

In the next few days, Sam was busy searching through more books to find answers until they got a lead on a demigod who was killing humans and consuming their bodies. Even with Rowena’s help, the gorgon was always one step ahead of him until he left a note for Dean after killing a truck driver, realizing that they couldn’t see Cas. The pounding in his head was getting worse, and Dean was sure if they didn’t find something soon, he would find himself at the bottom of the pacific. Dean just hoped that he didn’t have to fight Cas and his brother on this because he just wasn’t sure he had it in him. He wasn’t sleeping much, so instead, he spent that time dwelling on how different things would be had he made other choices.

He talked to Jody; she and Donna had driven to see Y/N at the cabin. She didn't say too much except that Y/N was surviving. That turned Dean’s world upside down, yet he was helpless at this point to do anything but move forward or take the plunge. Either option did not look appealing to him.

Rowena put on a tracking spell on the demigod and sent Castiel and Jack in first because the Gorgon couldn’t see them; as the fight ensued, Sam and Dean joined in when things went sideways. He was stronger than he looked and got the drop on Dean, smashing his head multiple times against the wall's corner, leaving him unconscious. Jack was able to behead the demigod before his escape and used his powers to save Cas because Rowena's anti-venom did not work on angels.

They made their way back to the bunker from New Mexico, Dean never regaining consciousness. When he finally woke up, he was in a rage, destroying a part of the infirmary. He told them this would happen, and now there would be hell to pay; Michael was gone, broke down the door that Dean had him locked behind in his mind, and now he was gone, now the world would burn. Hearing screams from the war room, they ran to find Michael jumped inside Rowena. He didn’t give her a choice; she wasn’t Dean, but she was strong and a close second, Now Michael was going to take over this world just like he had planned when he came through the rift all those months ago, except this time there was no one to stop him. Or so he thought.

Michael was enjoying causing Dean, Sam, and Cas pain; Jack was unaffected, but that was just a small distraction. Suffocating them, blinding them, causing them pain was just a little game until they suffered a bit before ending them all. Jack had had enough, to hell with his soul burning up; he would kill Michael or die trying. Michael thought he would stop him? He was the son of Lucifer, a hunter, a Winchester! With that, Jack placed his hands on either side of Rowena's head, driving Michael out. As Michael's essence swirled around the ceiling, Jack burned up his remaining soul by torching Michael and ingesting his grace. Michael was dead. It was over, and no one else had to die by Michael’s hand; Dean was free.

The older Winchester’s first thought was Y/N. Michael was dead, sure they had to think about dealing with Jack without a soul, but it couldn’t be that hard, right? He had to get to her to fix this. Dean needed sleep, and he was also worried about how Sam was coping, but they could hold off for a few days, right? He had 10 hours to figure out how to make it up to her as he headed to Castle Rock Lake. He wanted to make her see that Michael was gone and that he was sorry that he had put her through everything, but he was back, entirely himself and would never put her through it again.

By the time he got to the lake, it was early morning, the excitement and trepidation making him almost jittery. As he cleared the trees to the cabin, he looked up to see the door to the cabin slam closed; his heart sunk a little as that was not a good sign. He was tired from the drive, hell he was exhausted from the last three weeks, but his Dad was right, he needed her.

Climbing from the car, he strode up the walkway and climbed the steps stopping in front of the door. He knew his girl well enough that he would bet every dime in his pocket that she was standing just inside with her back pressed up against the door. Laying his palm against the wood, he called to her.

“Babe.”

“No, Dean,” came her muffled reply.

“Come on, Babe, come out here and talk to me,” he tried to reason.

“I can’t do this again.” He could hear her crying. It hurt because he knew it was all because of him, but he was trying to fix it...if she would just let him.

“Y/N, just open the door.”

“No, go away, Dean, I mean it go away.”

Stepping to the door, he leaned his forehead against the heavy wood with a sigh, “I’m not leaving; I will just stand here until you open up.”

“No, you won’t!” she yelled, he could hear the panic in her voice; she knew him, if he said he was going to do something, it would happen. “I will call the cops!” she threatened.

“Really?” he stifled a chuckle. “You are going to call the cops on me?”

There was a moment of silence before she huffed out a “No.”

“Babe, open the door,” he pleaded.

“I’m not opening the door; you just need to go. Seriously, I can't do this anymore, Dean. I don’t want to be just one more of your responsibilities. I just need to figure out how to-” her voice cut off on a sob.

“I just want to see you, so you can tell me to my face that you never want to see me again.”

“Why?” she yelled, banging her fist on the door. “Can’t you just listen and do what I ask?”

“It’s simple,” he almost smiled; he knew that the longer it took her to open the door, the better chance he had of fixing what he had broken. “You open the door and look me in the eye and tell me you're done.”

“You are an asshole!” she screamed as she banged on the door.

“That may be sweetheart,” he chuckled, “ but I’m not stepping foot off this porch until you look me in the eye.”

“Well,” she laughed sarcastically, “You will be out there a long time.”

“Ah, well,” Dean smiled as he turned around and sat down, bracing his back on the door, “you know how stubborn I can be, I’ve got all the time in the world.”

Chapter 14

Tags: @winchest09 @katehuntington @whatareyousearchingfordean @emoryhemsworth @flamencodiva @superfanficnatural @deanwanddamons @janicho88 @talesmaniac89 @anathewierdo @compresshischest09 @supernatural-bellawinchester @jensengirl83 @this-is-what-im-reduced-to @ellewritesfix05 @moron225 @foxyjwls007 @hobby27 @unicornqu33n17 @swinchester27@4fareader @deans-baby-momma @squirrelnotsam @clumsy-nerd104 @sarahbaker2010 @supernatural-love14 @akshi8278 @lyarr24 @angelhearts1012 @nothinbuttrouble2 @cookiechipdough @lady-pswrld @peachyafshawn @notan-applepielife @linki-locks11 @atc74 @divadinag @dvnmbabe @michellethetvaddict @stoneyggirl @fernandaburdasova @smol-and-grumpy @440mxs-wife @abuavnee @krazykelly @malfoysqueen14

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean x you #dean x reader #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester x y/n #reader insert #dean winchester fluff #dean winchester smut #slow burn #dean winchester series #a man of letters #waywardbeanie

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atamascolily · 3 years

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5 Things About Me - Fandom Edition

Got tagged for this meme, so here we go!

1. My first fandom was the live-action Adventures of Sinbad TV series from the late '90s. I was not very internet literate at the time, and so my activities were limited to searching for plot summaries on fan sites and writing/acting out my own stories. This tumblr originally started out as a fanblog for me to document my thoughts and feels while I was rewatching the show in 2017-- then my meta spiraled into actual fanfiction, and I got absorbed by other hyperfixations, and I haven't stopped writing since.

The AOS fandom in 2021 is extremely small, there's so much fic on old fansites that has been lost and never archived by the Wayback Machine, and the A03 tag is cluttered with mistagged Sinbad no Bokuen anime fics. But I consider myself so lucky there's a 450K+ fic featuring my childhood OTP that's been updating every week for over a year now!

2. If this tumblr had a theme, it's "whatever amuses me at the moment," although I admit there's a strong focus on the stuff I was into between 1995-2005, which includes Star Wars Legends and Adventures of Sinbad, along with all kinds of late '90s and early '00s media of varying degress of obscurity.

You'll also see things from my Second Wave of Fandom from 2006-2009, when I was heavily into anime and cosplay, along with the Third Wave of Fandom where I did a lot of lurking from 2015 onward before launching full-blown in 2017 with a tumblr and an A03 account and continuing up to the present day.

I admire people with sideblogs, but I do not have the bandwidth to split my interests in this way, so y’all get firehosed with whatever I’m into at any given moment. I do try to spread it out a bit through liberal use of the queue function, though, so actually you see what I was into several weeks previously mingled in with what I’m into now.

3. My username comes from a wildflower native to the southeastern United States, which blooms in mid-spring en masse in ditches, creek beds, and other wet places. It is one of my favorite flowers, and I am not the only one who considers visiting a colony in bloom to be a spiritual experience. To quote Thomas Berry in his essay, "The Meadow Across the Creek":

Down below was a small creek and there across the creek was a meadow. It was an early afternoon in May when I first looked down over the scene and saw the meadow. The field was covered with lilies rising above the thick grass. A magic moment, this experience gave to my life something, I know not what, that seems to explain my life at a more profound level than almost any other experience I can remember.

...This early experience, it seems, has become normative for me throughout the range of my thinking. Whatever preserves and enhances this meadow in the natural cycles of its transformation is good; what is opposed to this meadow or negates it is not good. My life orientation is that simple. It is also that pervasive. It applies in economics and political orientation as well as in education and religion and whatever.

Someday I’ll get around to updating my profile with an actual picture of said flower, but I am lazy, and tumblr’s dysfunctional infrastructure has not made me want to invest the energy in personalizing this thing.

4. I am very leery of sharing personal info online. I'm sure there's a lot you could dig up about me based on what I post, but you're gonna have to work for it if you want to know anything beyond my highly specific opinions about my fandom interests.

5. My work is highly seasonable and weather dependent, and so is my writing. This means I tend to write more in the winter and summer than in the spring and fall, when I am running around outside taking advantage of the good weather to get things done, and my posting schedule reflects this.

#fandom life #writing life #fic memes

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dreamcatcherfication · 4 years

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Dreamers in Fantasyland - Part 4

I keep forgetting that I tried to do a balance of old English dialect and modern English dialect, and it surprises me every time I edit this fic.

Final part, woohoo! We made it guys! A little sooner that expected, but that’s the fault of my laptop breaking. This is the last part of the fic requested by @theatergirl06 long ago when we had our ask war. As this door comes to a close, hopefully I’ll be able to open another... more sinister door...? This part is about to be very confusing, but if I’ve done it correctly, it’ll be (hopefully) a great ending. Things are about to get really meta. Buckle up, cause you aren’t ready.

Writing Masterpost

If you want to send a request or a prompt, my inbox is always open! I publish a story at 8:00 AM PST everyday, so I’m always in need of new ideas. If you want to be tagged in my works, just let me know and I’ll be sure to tag you!

Prompts | More Prompts | The Trifecta of Prompts | Original Prompts

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of sexual abuse

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Things seemed a lot calmer on Anne’s boat, the world finally back on track. Cathy had no real sense of what was normal anymore, so she relied solely on the feeling of calmness she felt with Anne. They were sitting on the floor, backs against Anne’s bookshelves. “You know,” Anne commented, her hand unconsciously fiddling with the bandages on her upper arm, “I was afraid you and Cleves wouldn’t come.”

“Why would you think that?” Cathy asked, putting a hand on Anne’s leg.

The captain shrugged. “I barely know you, and no matter what I feel when you’re around,” Cathy had to hide a blush, “you have no loyalties to me. The only reason I could think for you tracking us down was to save my cousin. Thank you, by the way,” Anne tacked on at the end. Despite the melancholy in her voice, Cathy could tell Anne was being sincere. “And Anna, she may seem young, but she’s smart. She knew our ship had taken serious damage from Henry’s attack. I didn’t think she’d risk our crew just to come for me.”

Knowingly, Cathy replied, “I don’t think you were her only motivation.”

Laughing, Anne’s face lit up, if only by a little bit. “Yes, yes. I’m glad she’s found someone in my cousin. They seem happy together. I long for that.”

Cathy frowned, suddenly hyper aware of her hand on Anne’s leg. “What do you mean.”

Hanging her head, Anne’s hand crawled until it was sitting on top of Cathy’s. “You remind me of a past that I don’t have, Miss Parr.” Anne lifted Cathy’s hand and pressed a light kiss to her knuckles. “I feel as if we’ve spent a thousand years together, and those thousand years have been lost somehow. I want nothing more than those years back.”

Staring at her hand in Anne’s, Cathy took the leap and slowly leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss to Anne’s lips. “I believe I understand what you’re saying,” she murmured, hiding the full truth from Anne.

Anne’s lips pulled upwards slightly, her eyes going soft as she stared at Cathy. “Everything is right in this world.”

A phantom hand shoved Cathy backwards, causing her to jump in shock. “No,” Cathy spoke softly, “everything is not right.” For some reason, she had been handed an answer. “Things won’t be right until you tell Kat that you are her cousin.”

Nervously chuckling, Anne shook her head. “I don’t think it’s best to drag up my family history.”

Grabbing Anne’s hands, Cathy leaned forward so that their noses were inches apart. “Things will never be the way they are supposed to unless you tell Kat.”

Anne was growing frightened by Cathy’s strange behavior. “How do you know this? What if she turns me away, knowing of the past with our family.”

“Kat is the most kindhearted person I know,” Cathy stated determinedly. “She is loving, and while she retains some of her naivete, she is intelligent. I know that girl better than she knows herself,” Cathy felt confident in her words, despite having only met this version of Kat a few days ago, “and I know she will not hate you. Kat is the last person to judge anyone on family matters. It will do her good to know the truth.”

At first Anne seemed reluctant, but she agreed. “I… I will tell her.”

As if summoned by Anne’s agreement with Cathy, Anna and Kat entered the quarters. “Anne,” Cleves greeted her captain, a hand around Kat’s waist, “It seems you’re doing much better.”

“Yes Anna, thank you,” Anne grunted, standing up from her sitting position. Cathy followed, brushing off the dust that had collected on her skirt. “Kat, if I could speak with you?”

The girl frowned but detached herself from Anna and moved over to Anne. “What is it Anne?”

“I…” Anne struggled with the words, “Do you remember when you asked me if we knew each other?”

Unsure of where Anne was going, Kat hesitantly answered, “Yes?”

“Well, the truth is, we do.”

Kat’s eyes narrowed as her head scrunched in confusion. “How? I still can’t quite figure it -”

“Boleyn.” Anne blurted. “My full name is Anne Boleyn.”

Eyes widening, Kat finally made the connection. “You’re my cousin,” she gasped, staring at Anne with wide eyes. Biting her lip, Anne nodded, expecting Kat to yell at her. Instead, the noble girl threw herself into Anne’s arms, hugging her close to her chest. “It’s been so long since I’ve heard from any of you,” she admitted into Anne’s chest.

It took a moment, but Anne reciprocated the hug, wrapping her arms around her younger cousin. “I didn’t think any of you wanted to hear from me.”

Pulling away, Kat curled her lip. “Our family is a mess. Everyone is constantly fighting and there’s never any peace. You may not have felt welcome, but that’s not your fault. It’s theirs.”

“Oh, Kat,” Anne’s voice was so full of emotion, it almost seemed as if she would cry.

“I want to stay with you,” Kat told her newfound cousin. “I want to stay with you and Anna and Cathy on this ship.”

“You want to be a pirate?”

Kat did the equivalent of a 15th century puppy dog pout. “More than anything.”

Unable to resist, Anne told her, “Well then, welcome aboard sailor Kat, I hope you're ready for some chaos.”

“I’m always ready for chaos if it’s with you.”

This, Cathy thought, this was right. This was how the world was supposed to be. The two cousins were together and happy, reunited after their family had torn them apart. Anna had found her happiness with Kat, and she had gotten her captain back. Cathy had saved the girl she loved with all her heart and Henry was gone from their lives. This should be the end.

…

But something kept pushing in the back of Cathy’s mind, telling her there was more. There was something that she kept missing, even when it was blatantly obvious to her. It was right on the tip of her tongue, infuriatingly so. “Anna, Kat,” she spoke up. “Would it be alright if I talked to Anne for a moment. Alone.”

“Of course,” Anna nodded, holding her hand out for Kat to take.

Before the two girls could leave, Cathy intercepted Kat. She pulled her friend into her arms, holding her tight. “I love you Kat,” she murmured into her ear. “You’re my best friend. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I know Cathy,” Kat mumbled back. She pulled away and bounded to Anna’s side, holding her hand as they exited the room.

Shifting her attention to Anne, Cathy started to feel dizzy. Stumbling on her feet, Cathy had to press a hand to the wall to steady herself. “Cathy?” Anne spoke worriedly, promptly at her side. “Are you alright?”

Cathy wasn’t alright. Everything was hitting her at once like an epiphany and her mind couldn’t handle it. “Anne, Anne,” Cathy started to stutter, reaching out and grabbing Anne’s arms. Pulling her closer, Cathy spoke directly in her face, “Anne, I’m not from here.”

Laughing nervously, Anne nodded. “Yes, I could tell that by your skin color, but it’s not anything to be worried abo-”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Cathy cut her off. “I’m from the future. Or from the past and then the future. Or they’re both the future compared to now.”

Anne was at a loss for words. “Cathy, did you hit your head -”

“No,” Cathy stared directly into Anne’s eyes. “I am going to tell you something that sounds crazy and - and - and,” Cathy stuttered over her words, “You have to promise to believe me. Please,” she begged.

As confused as Anne was, she could tell when people were lying. Cathy was either telling the truth, or she was crazy, and Anne didn’t believe for a second that Cathy was mental. “Okay, I promise.”

Nodding, Cathy stepped away from Anne and started pacing around the room. “In my first life, I was married to King Henry VIII of England, known to you as Henry Tudor.” Anne’s face grew into a snarl but she said nothing. “I was Queen Catherine Parr, the sixth wife of Henry. We never met, but I knew you well in that life.”

“How could you know me if we hadn’t met?” Anne questioned.

“Because you were Queen Anne Boleyn, Henry’s second wife. You divided England from the Catholic Church, and you changed the world.”

Anne didn’t like the way Cathy was speaking. It wasn’t in her tone, but rather the way her words made sense. Anne knew she should be finding Cathy’s claims preposterous, but for some reason they resonated in Anne’s heart. “Who were his other wives?”

Attempting to steady her shaking hands, Cathy started to explain. “His first wife was Catherine of Aragon. You might know her name, she’s the informant who run’s Aragon’s Pub.” The way Anne’s eyes lit up let Cathy know she did in fact know who that was. “Then there was you who pushed Henry to break from the church and annull his marriage with his wife. You two were married, but when you proved too much for him -” Anne scoffed, “he beheaded you.”

Falling silent, Anne looked at the floor. “Who was after me?”

“Jane Seymour, the one who gave him a son. She’s Kat’s caretaker back at court, although you’ve never met her. She died of natural causes. His fourth wife was Anna von Cleves,” Anne’s head shot up.

“Please don’t tell me -”

“She got the best outcome of us all,” Cathy assured her, breathing in heavily as she continued. “She had an arranged marriage with the King, but when she embarrassed him, Henry started calling her ugly and later annulled his marriage once again. Anna got her own palace and lived far longer than any of us.” Cringing, Cathy realized who she had arrived at.

Noticing Cathy’s apprehensiveness, Anne pushed, “Well? Who was next?”

“Katherine Howard.”

“No,” Anne choked. Cathy was only giving her a brief rundown, but Anne felt as if she was living through this experience with Cathy.

Swallowing, Cathy had to take a moment to steady her voice. “He married Kat when she was only fifteen, maybe a year or two older, none of us know for sure,” she refused to look in Anne’s horrified eyes, “But Kat had a terrible past where men had… sexually abused her. One of her friends in court took advantage of her and when the King found out,” Cathy’s voice hitched, “he beheaded her.”

Anne was devastated, even though she knew Kat was safe and sound. “That bastard,” she hissed. “I’m glad he’s dead.”

“Then there was me. The survivor,” Cathy was finally able to make eye contact with Anne. “I watched him die, and I thought I was free. I remarried, but died barely over a year later.”

“That’s… quite the story,” Anne muttered, unsure of how to process what Cathy told her.

Grabbing Anne’s hands again, Cathy set her face. “That’s not the end. After we died, the six of us woke up in a new world. The 21st century.”

“The what?”

Cathy knew it was hard to believe, but she had to get Anne to understand. “This is going to sound very confusing, but you have to understand what I’m saying.” Anne’s hesitant nod was all Cathy needed to dive in. “Five hundred years in the future, we live in the modern world. We tell our story as Henry’s wives to the world, and we reclaim our lives. You and I are in love in that world,” Cathy said fondly, running her hand over Anne’s, “and all six of us are a family.”

Anne was subconsciously smiling, content with the picture Cathy was painting. But it was shattered as Cathy started choking on her words. “I - I think that - that - that,” she breathed in deeply to control herself, “That this was meant to happen. Us being here.”

“What are you talking about?” As hard as Anne was trying, she couldn’t keep up with Cathy’s mind.

Resuming her pacing, Cathy made a variety of frustrated noises. “It all makes sense, doesn’t it! Right from the start, it’s been set out. I’m not Cathy Parr. Or rather, I’m not the Cathy Parr of this reality.”

Anne took a step forward, attempting to calm Cathy. “I don’t think you’re making much sense.”

“No, it makes perfect sense,” Cathy gasped. “When Kat and I snuck into Mary’s room, the only reason we were in there so long was because I couldn’t write her letter. If I had control of myself, I could’ve written that letter in five minutes. Instead, the actions of the other Cathy Parr, the real Cathy Parr, kept me from completing the letter. And because of that…” Cathy paused her pacing. “Because of that, we met. Anne, don’t you see!” she turned to the captain, “It’s all predestined.”

“What?”

A theory started to weed its way into Cathy’s mind, taking root. “What if, every generation there’s a Catherine Parr and Anne Boleyn. And a Katherine Howard and Anna von Cleves, Jane Seymour and Catherine de Aragon. We’re all destined to meet again and again in some new reality. Somehow, we all are connected, with ties to Henry.”

All common sense told Anne that Cathy’s theory was impossible. Yet deep inside her, there was some little bit of her that couldn’t help but believe what she was saying. “If you’re right, then why can only you remember this?”

“It must be some fluke in the system,” Cathy ran a hand through her hair. “Clearly I don’t have complete control of my actions. When Anna and I were getting information from Catherine, she asked what was in my satchel. The only thing that I had packed was a journal full of academic teachings, the exact thing Catherine wanted. I would’ve never thought to bring it, yet somehow it ended up in my possession.” There was awe in Cathy’s voice as things started to make sense. “The longer I stay here, the more I speak as you do. I’m speaking as this Cathy Parr would, not as I, my modern self, would.”

Anne nodded her head, understanding what Cathy was trying to say. “Every generation, the six of us are destined to be connected. Somehow, some way, and Henry’s involved.”

“Yes,” Cathy bit her nails, an anxious habit she didn’t know she had.

“But I’ve never met Jane Seymour or Catherine de Aragon,” Anne frowned. “Surely that doesn’t make sense.”

“I said we were connected, not that each of us have to meet,” Cathy corrected. “Anna, Kat, and I never even met you in our lives as Queens. I - I don’t know Anne, but there’s more to it all than the surface level.”

Sliding back down against the bookcase, Anne rubbed her eyes with her hands. “This is a lot to take in Cathy.”

“I know, I’m sorry Anne,” Cathy came and sat beside Anne. “Just, promise you’ll still love me if I wake up someone else,” she pleaded.

Giving the girl a painful smile, Anne leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I don’t think it’s possible for me not to love you Cathy Parr.”

Giggling, Cathy rested her head on Anne’s shoulder. “I’m so tired,” she whispered, feeling her eyes drift shut. “This is all so much.”

Anne pulled Cathy into her lap and wrapped her arms around the girl. “I’ll be here when you wake up. No matter who you are.” And so Cathy gave in to the darkness.

Jerking out of bed, Cathy spun around, looking for anyone familiar. “Cathy?” Anne groaned beside her, shifting under the sheets. “Are you awake?”

“Shh,” Cathy shushed her girlfriend, slowing her breathing. “Go back to sleep Anne.” The bedroom was dark, exactly as she remembered it when she fell asleep here last.

“Mmkay,” Anne hummed lucidly, “G’night babe.” Cathy watched her girlfriend fondly, holding back the tears that inexplicably appeared in her eyes.

“Sweet dreams, Anne Boleyn.”

-----------------------------------------

Tag List:

@radcowboyalmondtree @boleynhowards @annabanana2401 @babeebobo @dont-lose-your-queerhead @everything-insanity @mindless-pidgeon @i-wanna-dance-and-sing-six @thedemidisaster @its-totes-gods-will @thatbolxyngirl @thenameisnoone @sixqueendom @totally-not-boleyn-falcon

#six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fic #six fanfiction #six fanfic #sixfic #dreamers in fantasyland #part four #this part is really confusing #if you finish the series #i suggest rereading it all #because there are a ton of easter eggs #you'll start noticing them after reading this part #i don't want to spoil anything #but i'd love to see what you guys think of this #especially the ending #i worked really hard on that ending #im going to stop ranting but #thanks for sticking around until the end!

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thevioletjones · 5 years

Text

The Ian & Mickey Show

Week 2

2:43-5:00 - IxM are gonna bang! But nope, Ian is trying to use mayo as lube, and Mickey is sick of getting his potato salad cole slaw smellin' dick every morning. Ian is sick of Mickey's regular evening clockwork BMs. Apparently, all they do is fight now. Yay.

17:45-19:34 - Ian works in the infirmary I guess, but doesn't have access to better lube substitutes than lunch condiments, I guess. Sure. An elder gay named Chester tells Ian that he can solve his prison husband relationship issues by stabbing Chester and getting thrown in solitary for a couple weeks. Cuz that'd be great for a bipolar guy's mental health. Sure.

26:11-28:08 - The full previewed clip scene where IxM have a spat over flossing and pen-clicking. They argue over who's gonna stab Chester so they can get solitary instead of being stuck in the cell, which... why? The cell is better, because you get rec time and shit, but ok. Ends with that other preview clip where Mickey says he's dumping Ian first, bitch. Ian finds the shiv first, bitch. But the guards lock down before he can leave the cell. Womp womp.

44:48-45:52 - IxM both race to stab Chester, cuz apparently Mickey already managed to fashion another shiv?, and they both end up stabbing him, but of course Ian only does it once and Mickey does it 4 times, cuz he's the thug, remember? A guard immediately catches them and informs them that they've been played by Chester, who just wants to keep getting his release date postponed and has made deals with plenty of other dumb dumbs before. He calls them idiots and pretty politely asks them to come with him, casually collecting the shivs they just casually dropped while pleading their case for solitary confinement for whatever reason. No one acts remotely threatened. And poor multiple stab wound victim Chester super funnily just gets left with a, "I'll send someone in soon" type brush off. None of this resonates as being even slightly accurate prison guard and inmate behavior. Pretty sure Shameless writers have never even seen a documentary about prison. Like... this is not how that shit works at all. Christ.

54:10-54:44 - IxM bicker some more over inane shit. They're really getting on each other's nerves, y'all! Haha! High-larious! Not-really-though.gif.

Episode tally: 5 scenes. 7 mins 41 secs.

Hi! I'll be posting these weekly, usually around 1 am eastern if all goes well. If you're like me, you have no interest in watching the rest of this shitshow anymore, and you only wanna get to the stuff that's relevant to our favorite ship. This can be your timestamp guide for fast forwarding! Please note, time stamps are based on the streaming episodes from Showtime US, meaning the counts include the SHO trailers before the episodes. Most of this fandom doesn't give a shit about spoilers, but I'll still tag them I guess, to be polite. If you are watching the whole show, or clip compilations of the show, then I guess you can view these as snarky recaps. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't foresee any long meta analysis from me, because I love the ship more as an abstract AU kind of thing moreso than whatever canon is now, so it'll probly always be about this length minus my end commentary here. 😉 I am excited to have Noel doing his Mickey thing again, tho. I am. Just wish they had better writing, but oh well. Anyway, I'll shut the fuck up now. Bitch.

#ian x mickey #gallavich #shameless #the ian & mickey show #shameless spoilers #spoilers #edited a mistake in the prison guard scene

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swaps55 · 4 years

Note

Writer ask 1-3, please!

Meta Asks for Writers

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

I have two that I’m juggling, and as much as I want to pick one to focus on, they involve such different headspaces that it’s nice to have the option to switch and give myself a break from one or the other. They are:

Cantata: A story that will focus on Kaidan/Shepard serving together on the Myeongnyang, before their time on the Normandy. This is rooted in headcanon I’ve had since probably 2012/2013, and finally writing it down is going to be really fun.

Fugue: This will focus on Alchera and the events of ME2, though very little time will actually be spent on the plot. I’ve always wanted to really poke at the psychological ramifications of Shepard being brought back from the dead, because man, he is not ok during the events of ME2. I also really want to explore the aftermath of Alchera, how the crew handles it, and what goes on during those two years.

I am incredibly excited about both of these, and I’m enjoying the format I’m using. Each chapter is (hopefully) going to read like a self-contained short or a prompt fill, and all interlink together. Wish me luck! I’ve got a full chapter of Cantata written, most of a second and pieces of several others. Fugue has most of 2 chapters, though a lot of work still needs to be done on them.

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project.

I’m cheating a little, because I have now written it (it’s just not posted). But the initial meeting between Kaidan and Shepard is something I have referenced in my fic for years, but never actually written in present action. I have always wanted to write it, because it’s the bedrock, foundational moment of their friendship and eventual relationship. I just wasn’t quite ready for it before Sam really took shape in my head. So I’ve finally done it. YAAAAAAAAAAY!

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

I always wanted to write about Shepard’s N7 training. The story would be a flashback to the survival experiences they went through, including zero G combat and parachuting/combat diving. The idea is that the reader would slowly realize that the real story wasn’t the training, but the fact that Shepard is dying over Alchera, and this is what is going through their mind as they suffocate. It’s a complex idea, and I haven’t figured out how to do it well. Maybe someday!

Here, have a quick sneak peak of Cantata:

Kaidan has never even heard of the Docking Station, a poorly named bar on the fringes of Arcturus’ torus ring that is about as far from the actual docking stations as anyone can get. After consulting the station VI and asking around to no avail, he’d finally had to pin down three reluctant enlisted men before getting pointed in the right direction.

Turns out he couldn’t find it because officially it doesn’t actually have a name, other than Bay 6527-R.

He’s heard of these places, unofficially off-limits for officers so the Alliance can conveniently turn a blind eye to soldiers blowing off steam, but he’s never given it much thought. Which he supposes is the point.

He certainly wasn’t expecting to go down this particular rabbit hole at 06:00 to fetch his brand new XO.

He gets more than a few wary looks when he finally finds the place, which only ratchets his level of discomfort even higher. Attracting suspicion isn’t unusual, but the amp jack is usually the culprit, not the officer bars.

The Docking Station definitely isn’t where brass hangs out. Instead of soft lighting, prominent tables and piano chords drifting through the air, this place offers blank walls, shadows, and tables tucked deliberately out of sight. The air smells stale, with the slightly sour smell that usually accompanies early morning regrets. The place probably roars at shift changes, but at this hour it’s quiet, sullen, and aside from a trio of servicemen giving him dirty looks at the bar, nearly empty.

Nearly.

A table in the back contains a sole occupant. Kaidan doesn’t need more than a glance to ID him as his AWOL XO. Even hunched low in his seat, shoulders bent and hidden in the shadows, Lieutenant Commander Shepard is hard to miss.

#painterofhorizons #swaps replies #meme replies #mememe #how writing is written #thank you for asking!

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globalmediacampaign · 3 years

Text

MySQL NDB Cluster Backup & Restore In An Easy Way

In this post, we will see, how easily user can take NDB Cluster backup and then restore it. NDB cluster supports online backups, which are taken while transactions are modifying the data being backed up. In NDB Cluster, each backup captures all of the table content stored in the cluster. User can take backup in the following states: When the cluster is live and fully operational When the cluster is live, but in a degraded state: Some data nodes are down Some data nodes are restarting During read and write transactions Users can restore backups in the following cluster environments: Restore to the same physical cluster Restore into a different physical cluster Restore into a different configuration cluster i.e. backup taken from a 4 nodes cluster and restore into 8 data nodes cluster Restore into a different cluster version Backups can be restored flexibly: Restore can be run locally or remotely w.r.t the data nodes Restore can be run in parallel across data nodes Can restore a partial set of the tables captured in the backup Use cases of Backup & Restore: Disaster recovery - setting up a cluster from scratch Setup NDB Cluster asynchronous replication Recovery from user/DBA accidents like dropping of a table/database/schema changes etc During NDB Cluster software upgrade Limitations: Schemas and table data for tables stored using the NDB Cluster engine are backed up Views, stored procedure, triggers and tables/schemas from other storage engine like Innodb are not backed up. Users need to use other MySQL backup tools like mysqldump/mysqlpump etc to capture these Support for only full backup. No incremental or partial backup supported. NDB Cluster Backup & Restore concept in brief: In NDB Cluster, tables are horizontally partitioned into a set of partitions, which are then distributed across the data nodes in the cluster. The data nodes are logically grouped into nodegroups. All data nodes in a nodegroup (up to four) contain the same sets of partitions, kept in sync at all times. Different nodegroups contain different sets of partitions. At any time, each partition is logically owned by just one node in one nodegroup, which is responsible for including it in a backup.When a backup starts, each data node scans the set of table partitions it owns, writing their records to its local disk. At the same time, a log of ongoing changes is also recorded. The scanning and logging are synchronised so that the backup is a snapshot at a single point in time. Data is distributed across all the data nodes, and the backup occurs in parallel across all nodes, so that all data in the cluster is captured. At the end of a backup, each data node has recorded a set of files (*.data, *.ctl, *.log), each containing a subset of cluster data.During restore, each set of files will be restored [in parallel] to bring the cluster to the snapshot state. The CTL file is used to restore the schema, the DATA file is used to restore most of the data, and the LOG file is used to ensure snapshot consistency.Let’s look at NDB Cluster backup and restore feature through an example:To demonstrate this feature, let’s create a NDB Cluster with below environment.NDB Cluster 8.0.22 version 2 Management servers 4 Data nodes servers 2 Mysqld servers 6 API nodes NoOfReplicas = 2 If you are wondering how to setup a NDB Cluster, then please look into my previous blog here. Step 1:Before we start the cluster, let’s modify the cluster config file (config.ini) for backup. When backup starts, it create 3 files (BACKUP-backupid.nodeid.Data, BACKUP-backupid.nodeid.ctl, BACKUP-backupid.nodeid.log) under a directory named BACKUP. By default, this directory BACKUP created under each data node data directory. It is advisable to create this BACKUP directory outside the data directory. This can be done by adding a config variable ‘BackupDataDir’ to cluster configuration file i.e. config.iniIn the below example, I have assigned a path to ‘BackupDataDir‘ in config.ini:BackupDataDir=/export/home/saroj/mysql-tree/8.0.22/ndbd/node1/data4Step 2: Let’s look at the cluster from the management client (bin/ndb_mgm): Step 3: As cluster is up and running so let’s create a database, a table and do some transactions on it. Let’s insert rows into table ‘t1’ either thru sql or thru any tools. Let’s continue the rows insertion thru sql to have a significant amount of datas in the cluster. Let’s check the rows count from table ‘t1’. From the below image, we can see that table 't1' has ‘396120’ rows in it. Step 4: Now issue a backup command from the management client (bin/ndb_mgm) while some transactions on the table ‘t1’ was going on. We will delete rows from table ‘t1’ and issue a backup command in parallel. While delete ops is going on, issue a backup command from the management client: Let’s check the new row count from table ‘t1’ after all the delete ops finished. From the below image, we can see that now the table ‘t1’ has ‘306120’ rows. Let’s look at the files backup created. As we have assigned a path to backup files so let’s discuss about these files in brief. From the above image, we can see that, for each backup, one backup directory is created (BACKUP-backupid) and under each backup directory, 3 files are created. These are:BACKUP-backupid-0.node_id.Data (BACKUP-1-0.1.Data):The above file contains most of the data stored in the table fragments owned by this node. In the above example, 1 is the backupid, 0 is a hardcoded value for future use. 1 is node_id of the data node 1. BACKUP-backupid.node_id.ctl (BACKUP-1.1.ctl): The above file contains table meta data i.e. table definitions, index definitions.BACKUP-backupid.node_id.log (BACKUP-1.1.log):This file contains all the row changes that happened to the tables while the backup was in progress. These logs will execute during restore either as roll forward or roll back depends on whether the backup is snapshot start or snapshot end. Note:User can restore from anywhere i.e. doesn’t have to be from any particular data node. ndb_restore is an NDB API client program, so can run anywhere that can access the cluster. Step 5: Upon successfully completion of a backup, the output will looks like below: From the above image, Node 1 is the master node who initiate the backup, node 254 is the management node on which the START BACKUP command was issued, and Backup 1 is the 1st backup taken. #LogRecords ‘30000’ indicate that while backup was in progress some transaction was also running on the same table. #Records shows the number of records captured across the cluster. User can see the backup status also from the “cluster log” as shown below:2021-01-12 15:00:04 [MgmtSrvr] INFO -- Node 1: Backup 1 started from node 2542021-01-12 15:01:18 [MgmtSrvr] INFO -- Node 1: Backup 1 started from node 254 completed. StartGCP: 818 StopGCP: 855 #Records: 306967 #LogRecords: 30000 Data: 5950841732 bytes Log: 720032 bytesSo this concludes our NDB Cluster backup procedure. Step 6:We will now try to restore the data from the backup taken above. Let’s shutdown the cluster, cleanup all the files except the backup files and then start the cluster with initial (with no data).Let’s restore the backup to a different cluster. From the below image, we can see that data node Id’s are different from the cluster where backup was taken. Now let’s see if our database ‘test1’ is exist in the cluster or not after initial start. From the above image, we can see that, database ‘test1’ is not present. Now let’s start our restore process from the backup image #1 (BACKUP-1). The NDB restore works in this flow: It first restore the meta data from the *.ctl file so that all the tables/indexes can be recreated in the database. Then it restore the data files (*.Data) i.e. inserts all the records into the tables in the database. At the end, it executes all the transaction logs (*.log) rollback or roll forward to make the database consistent. Since restore will fail while restoring unique and foreign key constraints that are taken from the backup image so user must disable the index at the beginning and once restore is finished, again user need to rebuild the index. Step 7:Let’s start the restoration of meta data.Meta data restore, disable index and data restore can execute at one go, or can be done in serial. This restore command can be issued from any data node or can be from a non-data node as well.In this example, I am issuing meta data restore and disable index from Data Node 1 only for once. Upon successful completion, I will issue the data restore.Data Node 1: shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id -m --disable-indexes --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directory -n: node id of the data node from where backup was taken. Do not confuse with the data node id of the new cluster.-b: backup id (we have taken backup id as ‘1’)-m: meta data restoration (recreate table/indexes)--disable-indexes: disable restoration of indexes during restore of data--ndb-connectstring (-c): Connection to the management nodes of the cluster.--backup_path: path to the backup directory where backup files exist. The results of above meta restore from data node 1 is shown below: Let’s start the data restore on the Data Node 1. Data Node 1:shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id -r --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directory Below, I am trying to capture the logs from the data restore run results as it started and then at the end. From the above image, we can see that restore went successful. Restore skips restoration of system table data. System tables referred to here are tables used internally by NDB Cluster. Thus these tables should not be overwritten by the data from a backup. Backup data is restored in fragments, so whenever a fragment is found, ndb_restore checks if it belongs to a system table. If it does belong to a system table, ndb_restore decides to skip restoring it and prints a 'Skipping fragment' log message.Let’s finish all the remaining data restore from the other data nodes. These data restore can be run in parallel to minimise the restore time. Here, we don’t have to pass -m, --disable-indexes again to restore command as we need to do it only once. With the first restore completion, it has already created tables, indexes etc so no need to recreate it again and will also fail. Once all the data are restored into the table(s), we will enable the indexes and constraints again using the –rebuild-indexes option. Note that rebuilding the indexes and constraints like this ensures that they are fully consistent when the restore completes.Data Node 2:shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id -r --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directoryData Node 3:shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id -r --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directoryData Node 4:shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id -r --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directory Ndb restore (ndb_restore) is an API, it needs API slots to connect to cluster. Since we have initiated 3 ndb_restore programme in parallel from Data node ID 4, 5 and 6 so we can see from the below image that ndb_restore took API ID: 47, 48 and 49. Let’s see the results from the remaining data nodes. Since all the ndb_restore API finished successfully, we can see that the API ID that it had taken to connect the cluster has been released. The last step is to rebuild the index. This can also done from any data nodes or from any non-data nodes but only once.Data Node 1:shell> bin/ndb_restore -n node_id -b backup_id --rebuild-indexes --ndb-connectstring=cluster-test01:1186,cluster-test02:1186 –backup_path=/path/to/backup directory--rebuild-indexes: It enables rebuilding of ordered indexes and foreign key constraints. Step 8:So we have finished our restoration steps. Let’s check the database, table, rows count in table etc .. So database ‘test1’ is already created. Now we can see that table ‘t1’ has been created and the row count#306120 which is also matching with our backup image (look at Step# 4).So this concludes our NDB Cluster backup and restore feature. There are many more options user can pass to both backup (START BACKUP) and restore (ndb_restore) programme based on the requirements. In the above example, I have selected the basic minimum options user might need for backup and restore. For more information on these options, please refer to NDB Cluster reference manual here. https://clustertesting.blogspot.com/2021/01/mysql-ndb-cluster-backup-restore-in.html

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miraculouscontent · 5 years

Photo

Oh boy.

[Pacebreaker]

Because I’ll have to keep bringing it up otherwise, let me start out by saying that the pacing in this episode is atrocious. I’ve seen some bad pacing in Miraculous before but this is close to the bottom of the barrel if not the bottom of the barrel.

Let me run down how this episode breaks up its scenes:

Fighting/Resolving Gigantitan: 2 minutes and 18 seconds (0:30-2:48)

Setting up the plot: 1 minute and 7 seconds (2:48-3:55)

Establishing characters feelings and waiting for Chat to arrive: 4 minutes and 35 seconds (3:55-8:30)

The most awkward get-together in Miraculous history: 3 minutes and 45 seconds (8:30-12:15)

wErEdaD, i Am hAwK mOtH: 1 minute and 25 seconds (12:15-13:40)

That Scene With Chat and Sabine That No One Wants to Talk About: 45 seconds (13:40-14:25)

Weredad Brings the Dupain: 3 minutes and 40 seconds (14:25-17:30)+(18:00-18:15)+(18:20-18:40)

Marinette Saves Herself: 55 seconds (17:30-18:00)+(18:15-18:20)+(18:40-19:00)

Ladybug Saves Chat and Tom: 1 minute and 15 seconds (19:00-20:15)

Resolution: 1 minute and 47 seconds (20:15-22:02)

This episode wastes time on scenes that don't have value so that scenes that should have value get no time at all. This episode serves to be little more than a Tom akumatization episode, yet Weredad doesn't even have 4 minutes of screen time.

And for what? By the 7 minute mark, I was officially bored. Everything drags on and on despite the fact that it's blatantly obvious where things are going to go. The timing for some scenes even sound correct at a glance, but then the scene itself shows up and it's all over the place. In the scene with everyone having treats, Tom just jumps from awkward topic to awkward topic.

And the scene with Gigantitan didn't need to be anywhere near as long as it was. The episode spends too long re-establishing Ladybug and Chat's relationship when one or two lines would've been enough. The pacifier was an extra detail that not only isn't resolved, but that didn't need to exist.

Marinette got a giant lucky charm jammed through her room; Chat could've just wanted to check on her and found it weird that she was on her balcony so late at night (unless she'd been watching the action, which gives him the idea that she's a fan of his). The episode even tries to run with the idea that Chat would always be there for Marinette and always check on her, but he certainly wasn't concerned when her room had been destroyed late at night when she was likely inside of it.

And then the episode spends so much time establishing how characters feel about the situation when it's already been made clear. Adrien talks about it to August (I've noticed that this show doesn't care to have characters just think to themselves instead of talking out loud) about it first, then talks to Plagg, then talks to Plagg again the next day.

The pacing doesn't just need tweaking. It needs an entire makeover.

[Dia-slog]

The dialog in this episode is so contrived. It's so stilted.

Let's start with the very beginning of the episode, since that's where a huge pacing issue is. Because the episode wants to re-establish Ladybug and Chat's relationship (which it already does later in this scene and verbally by both leads later), it has Chat flirt with Ladybug mid-battle and wastes a scene of Ladybug slamming into an Adrien billboard just so she can fawn over him.

Put bluntly, it feels like one of the chibi shorts with dialog and the show's models, right down to the fact that everything is a lot of "jokes" (Chat trying to kiss Ladybug before she gets flung off so he misses his chance, the billboard, Ladybug's giant lucky charm that was apparently useless since it's in the same place during Miraculous Ladybug which means it was just a gag of Ladybug holding something heavy and also a reason for Tom to rush to Marinette's room despite the fact that an akuma being near their house at all is more than enough reason, etc.).

And I have to talk about that scene with Chat finding Marinette because there are so many things wrong with it. Not Marinette even, because I get that she's anxious and panicking and went for the first thing that came to her mind that would distract him enough, but there are serious issues with Chat's dialog.

Firstly, Chat sees Marinette on Marinette's own balcony and somehow finds that suspicious. Chat has been to Marinette's house multiple times as both Adrien and Chat; there's no excuse for this.

Secondly, Chat starts out mentioning Ladybug's de-transformation. The scene is very clearly set up for Marinette to think that Chat's about to suggest that she's Ladybug. It's not, "This isn't the first time I've seen you near a fight," or "This isn't the first time I've caught you right after a battle." If Chat is trying to imply that Ladybug isn't around but Marinette is so Marinette must be one of his fans, it still makes no sense because, again, Marinette is at her own house.

This episode already had pacing, dialog, and character problems, but even the setup was inherently flawed.

It didn't have to be about a big misunderstanding. If it had to be about Tom getting akumatized out of anger for Chat, the episode could've had Tom seeing Marinette and Chat together multiple times (whether that's because Ladybug de-transforms and runs into Chat, who takes her home, or a meta joke on how a lot of akumatizations tend to happen around Marinette), which then leads Tom to think that Chat must love Marinette (if the episode wants a misunderstanding so badly, it can be a small one: maybe Tom does talk to Marinette, but she thinks he's talking about Adrien when he refers to her love life), only for Chat to explain that he loves Ladybug and incur Tom's anger because it's as if Chat is leading Marinette on. That even brings up the fact that Chat has an issue with mixed signals.

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, but the narrative needs to stop pointing out Marinette's lying as the core issue without offering solutions. Tikki does it all the time and she never learns. Marinette rightfully argues with Tikki that she had a reason for doing it and, once again, Tikki deflects and keeps focusing on what Marinette caused. Instead of offering solutions and instead of offering comfort, Tikki waffles around the issue and leaves all of Marinette's arguments hanging without a proper answer.

Tom isn't safe from poor dialog choices either. In fact, he might be one of the worst examples, whether as himself or his akumatized form. To keep the plot going, Tom has to constantly brush off what other characters say, except when it's relevant to the plot they're trying to tell. This means that Chat and Marinette can't be blunt until the moment where Tom is meant to be akumatized.

This also means that Chat has to sit there while Tom rambles for eternity and asks Chat pressing questions. Chat sits there eating sweets they offered him when he knows that he's about to reject Marinette. It pads out the episode because the writing is panicking to build up the big moment and it's the same thing with Marinette's big reaction to Chat: a big setup.

The episode doesn't even know what it wants to be either. It seems to want to establish Marinette and Chat's feelings on each other at first, but there's a complete 30-second derail of dialog re-establishing Adrien’s issues with his father just so it can come back for a 35-second scene with Weredad later.

And because of poor pacing, the dialog in that scene with Weredad is rushed beyond belief. Tom's whole reason for getting akumatized was a want to never let any boy near Marinette again, but a 10 second speech from Chat suddenly has him like, "okay then actually--"

And speaking of Chat's speech, it's completely ineffective from a comparison standpoint! Adrien wasn't even isolated in this episode. In Season 2 "Glaciator" or "Captain Hardrock", MAYBE, but the problem is rarely isolation nowadays; it's Adrien's dad being so rarely there for him.

That's the difference. Tom was actively caring for Marinette and Adrien's dad is just too strict. Fixating on the over-protectiveness would've been so much better.

And...isolation? Weredad has specifically said that he was going to be there for Marinette. Gabriel isn't there for Adrien, but Tom would be for Marinette. The comparison between Gabriel and Tom isn't invalid (honestly, I appreciate a little nuance ignoring the fact that humanizing the main villain might not be a great idea), but it boils down to little more than something only established for Tom in this one episode.

Here's a thought: maybe instead of the episode focusing on something that's here and gone, it can focus on something that can be slowly improved and has already been a thing.

How often have Tom and Sabine comforted Marinette? How often does Marinette have to go to someone else for comfort? Heck, the only scene in this episode of one of the parents comforting anyone is Sabine comforting Chat (and trust me, we'll get there).

Maybe the parents learning about listening to Marinette? This could've addressed the fact that Gabriel and Tom+Sabine are on opposite sides but have similar problems.

Gabriel is very absent and doesn't listen to Adrien. Tom and Sabine are very attentive (or at least they think they are) yet don't pay attention to Marinette's feelings unless Marinette makes it clear (whether verbally or otherwise).

"Gamer" was Tom and Sabine constantly interrupting Marinette and Adrien's time together despite Marinette's clear discomfort, even going so far as to talk to Adrien about the fact that Marinette talks about him all the time.

When Marinette got home in "Lady Wifi", looking wholly exhausted, Sabine asked no questions and was like "oh hey Alya brought your bag home go get some exercise to help work on your forgetfulness ya scrub."

"Simon Says" had them ground Marinette as if that would solve all her issues (disregarding the fact that it's a ridiculous consequence when the place she was absent from were school activities which they can't stop her from trying to go to) instead of looking at things emotionally and worrying about why Marinette is missing classes.

It took Marinette having her privacy invaded and sobbing hysterically in "Troublemaker" before Tom and Sabine actually do anything of value and, even then, they fight off the people running the show instead of one of them being upstairs to comfort Marinette.

Even disregarding the fact that "overprotective father" has already been done (both in the show and done to death out of the show), it's aggravating that Tom and Sabine both have actual issues that could be addressed but the writing pushes them in a different direction. Sabine rambles about how she always tries to calm Tom down, but she made very few attempts and most of them led to her just smiling and letting Tom go about things.

The dialog feels wrong because it is wrong. It's not natural or flowing because the episode is holding this tightrope of a plotline as all the characters desperately try to walk across it without falling.

[Fairy Tale of Woe]

I'm keeping this one simple. From my calculations, this episode has, at most, six minutes of screen time on Weredad and his vine prison.

Six minutes is not anywhere near enough time to mash together multiple fairy tales so it’s a jumbled mess. It's nothing more than a set piece.

Fairy tales rarely mesh well together. That's why they're their own self-contained stories. I see what they were going for with Marinette being trapped and saved and fairy tale romance and whatever, but it just doesn't work.

And why fairy tales at all when it comes to Tom's character? Tom might dream of Marinette having a fairy tale romance, but Tom doesn't explicitly reference fairy tales or act like he's a huge fan of them. He's obsessed with baking for the episode instead.

"Reflekta" gave Juleka a very vibrant and attention-grabbing appearance to fit with her want to stand out. "The Evillustrator" turned Nathaniel into the hero in his story. "Stormy Weather" made Aurore into a weather girl who could force all her predictions to come true.

"Weredad"...why would Tom want to be a wolf creature? Powerful and quick on his feet, I can understand, but why a wolf? He's a baker and talks about it often in the episode, so this just doesn't fit at all.

[That Scene With Chat and Sabine That No One Wants to Talk About But We're Gonna Talk About It]

Oh, Chat. Chat. Chat. Chat.

I really hope this isn't a trend. I'd prefer to not go into each episode of Season 3 worriedly wondering, "Is Adrien/Chat going to do [the thing] again?"

So...the scene.

There are a total of three major issues with this scene.

First issue: Chat not going into enough detail about what he did wrong. The episode fixates on him not returning Marinette's feelings, but he stayed way longer than he should've when he only went to reject Marinette, brought her a rose thinking that would somehow help the situation, and kissed both of Marinette's cheeks to greet her. It's frankly no wonder why Tom was so sure that Chat was in love with Marinette; just like Adrien, he's constantly mixing up his words and the actions he takes.

Second issue: Sabine comforting Chat at all. I have no issue with Tom and Sabine doing things outside of Marinette, but this is a huge offense. Marinette went up to her room “sobbing” and instead of going up to check on her, Sabine stays downstairs to talk to Tom. Tom goes overboard, sure, and he didn't go upstairs to Marinette either, but he thought Marinette was legitimately hurt and he cared. Sabine makes her stance pretty clear at the end of the episode by basically saying that "oh marinette is strong and she can handle herself." Sabine is hardly involved in Marinette's life unless it's a special occasion or "hey marinette clean your room or i'll go through your emails," yet the second Chat comes in all upset, Sabine is immediately at his side and comforting him while also side-giving a "told him so" at Tom's behavior (something she gives to Tom personally at the end of the episode too). I'm all for Marinette's parents having confidence in her but this doesn't qualify in that field. It's just bad parenting.

Third issue: This has to do with the actual thing being talked about here: specifically, Sabine telling Chat that his feelings are valid. I can forgive Sabine on a few points, because she doesn't have the full story, but Chat says right in front of them that Ladybug keeps rejecting him. That's a big red flag. It'd be one thing if Chat simply said that he was in love with someone else, but even then, this is shown as a good thing that Sabine is doing for Chat when it's not. This is enabling Chat to keep on loving Ladybug and keep on pursuing her because that's what he feels is the right choice. If anyone should be told that their feelings are valid, it's Ladybug. Ladybug is constantly made to feel bad about rejecting Chat in any endeavor, but when it's time to start giving out sympathy cards, Ladybug doesn't get one. Chat's right, Sabine's right, but Marinette/Ladybug is wrong because she doesn't agree with Chat.

Chat can learn that it’s fine if he’s not in love with Marinette, but not that it’s fine if he continues pursuing Ladybug against her wishes.

[Nomance]

It's honestly difficult to talk about the details being discussed in this episode without derailing into a 3000 word discussion about "Will They, Won't They" plots, but I'll try to keep it brief.

This episode was a mistake. I don't mean that it's a mess all over because of the pacing, dialog, and character moments.

I mean, it is, but that's not what I’m referring to.

I’m saying that the idea for it never should've been approved in the first place.

"Will They, Won't They" is very thin ice territory that needs to be handled with care and grace. With the love square, the show gets around some of the problems by having the protagonist and deuteragonist already technically be in love with each other, but having the conflict be getting them to see the other side of their crush in the same light.

It was never a good idea to directly address Marinette's feelings for Chat and Adrien's feelings for Marinette in this way. There is no feasible way it could've gone well.

People do not like it when shows trying to directly retcon and/or put new meanings to scenes that were originally supposed to be vague and open to fandom interpretation.

Adrien does not love Marinette. That's just a fact. There's no denial, no hidden meaning...it's just the truth that the episode points out multiple times without even a shred of restraint. If there was any remaining hope left that Adrien loved Marinette after Kagami came in and Adrien showed genuine interest in her, this episode completely crushes it. If Adrien did love Marinette in any way, there would've been a moment of him acknowledging that instead of constantly shooting down the notion to Plagg.

That means that all of these

were lies. They were teases. They were bait. They didn’t mean anything.

And Chat's entire personality in this episode constantly 180s from having a massive ego to being totally self-conscious. He swaps from "obnoxiously egotistic" to "reminding everyone that he isn't in love with Marinette" to "getting another stamp on his sympathy card because he needs one more stamp for his free sundae."

Once again, mid-battle, he's flirting. Instead of helping Ladybug hold back Gigantitan, he not only ignores the battle entirely to flirt, but he tries to kiss her. Ladybug is flung into the air, slamming into a billboard, but Chat doesn't apologize for being distracted. Instead, he catches her and continues flirting like fighting Hawk Moth isn't serious to him at all.

He hasn’t learned anything. Chat faces no consequences from flirting inappropriately because any damage done while he's distracted with chatting up his crush (who is in love with someone else and he is aware of that fact) will immediately be fixed by the magical ladybugs.

This is the episode where Chat gets his feelings for Ladybug validated and it starts in the worst possible way for it.

This was never Marinette's episode. This was never Tom's episode. This is Chat's episode.

There's so little focus on Marinette being amazing and saving herself because this isn't about her. That's why there's no big moment of Chat being like "whoa Marinette saved herself she's even more amazing than I thought." Chat never even learns that Marinette broke the rose herself; he probably presumes that Ladybug did it. He fawns over how great Ladybug is for "saving Marinette" when it was Marinette herself who did that (the episode easily could've had Marinette mention that she broke the rose and then Ladybug showed up). Ladybug gets credit from Chat for the things that Marinette did, furthering the divide between the "two girls" in his mind.

Chat gets the big speech to Weredad. Chat gets the screen time where he talks about his feelings. Chat gets the sympathy and comfort.

This episode wanted nothing more than to make Chat feel valid. That's literally it. It's why everything is so contrived and Tom's overprotectiveness comes out of nowhere.

It's also why Adrien is not even mentioned once by Marinette's parents.

Tom and Sabine know that Marinette loves Adrien. That's been canon since Season 1. It's not like Marinette fake-confesses and they presume that he must Adrien behind the mask, which is why Chat stays so long so he can convince them otherwise (which would've actually been funny and left Adrien freaking the heck out for multiple reasons; bonus comedy with them deciding that he must not be Adrien in the end).

Marinette "confesses" and there's not one word from Tom and Sabine about Adrien, who they actually seemed to like and were rooting for Marinette to be with. Neither of them ask if Marinette had a fight with him or if Marinette just changed her mind.

And Marinette is the one who's given the "hints" that she might be in love with Chat, what with her being unusually angry at the idea that Chat might've changed his mind on who he loves when she "wasn't interested." And sure, she's given lines about being happy that Chat isn't in love with her, but Chat's the one being put in the right and given sympathy. He's the one whose feelings we're told are valid.

Thus, the only reason Marinette isn't included must be because her current feelings aren't.

Listening to what a lot of people were saying about this episode, I’ve heard it be related back to fanfiction. To a degree, I can understand.

"Weredad" does have a lot of traits of fanfiction, what with its plot and simultaneously having the writing ability of amateur fanfiction.

But, in reality, "Weredad" is not like a fanfic.

A fanfic would progress the characters’ emotions, however sloppily. A fanfic would care enough to make a plot like this matter. A fanfic would make the characters’ feelings change in some way from start to finish.

A fanfic would be better than this.

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kingofthewilderwest · 6 years

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abt the outfit thing, i could be wrong but i remembered dean(?) mentioned before that Hiccup and the gang shows themselves the newer generation of Berk. so theyre meant to be different even if in terms of clothing. i mean, they dont even have the Norwegian accent like everyone else, even the kids in the series. theyre the ones who figure out the new things since the peace with dragons, and theyre more loose on the viking way of living and more to their own-

-and from there p much came their new intentions and all, it brought to RtTE and HTTYD3. at least thats what i think? and it does make sense in a way the gang were those who doesnt seem to ‘belong in their tribe’.

OH and the 'anomaly of his world’ you said about hiccup and p much apply to the gang, too every since RtTE came out :00 and i find how they 'made’ their own culture and life on the Edge and onwards to HTTYD2 timeline and up is interesting, too lol. sorry if its confusing

Prior parts of the conversation! :) [1] [2]

To clarify, just in case it’s needed: there’s a huge difference between what I know meta-wise the creators were intending with the designs, versus what my emotional reactions and feelings are to the implementation of said designs. I was explaining why emotionally the designs don’t jive with me that’s based upon my personal taste and why it looks odd to me personally. How they “feel” to me is distinct from what I know the creators want.

Yes, you and I both agree and understand the creators do have reason for doing what they’re doing! Everything’s intended in a well-crafted animation like this! You don’t just toss together an outfit when you have to painstakenly animate it frame-per-frame for an hour and a half plus. You go through a lot of concept art and animating and refining. It’s one thing I love about animation: how intentional and thought-out everything has to be in a top-notch film. And DW knows that good designs are ones that reflect… well… lots of storytelling elements.

They definitely create intentional distinction with the younger generation - as you pointed out, there’s the use of North American accents versus Scottish accents. And Dean’s talked about how Hiccup’s clothing in HTTYD 2 - which is obviously distinct from others’ wardrobe - is sort of like “biker” gear. So Hiccup’s being edgy, cool, different. Hiccup’s overarchingly also meant to be the “odd one” in his tribe, a revolutionary in the world of Berk who thinks entirely differently than his peers and predecessors. A unique clothing design makes GOOD sense to visually represent what he is. ESPECIALLY once he starts feeling less self-conscious and can start expressing himself as the creative individual he is!

We can also talk about how within every movie, the visuals of Berk itself change, becoming increasingly colorful and wild and fantastical and lining up with Hiccup’s vision and mentality. The Berk of HTTYD 1 is hugely different in appearance than the Berk of 2 and 3. It’s all representing the radical, radical changes in their society. These design changes, even the more radical ones, have good intent in how they were made.

I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that the youths on the Edge created their own culture, either. I know you have the word “made” in quotations, since yeah. They’re still obvious byproducts of their cultural upbringing, just like we all are. New generations can and often do take large, emphatic strides away from their predecessors - but that’s a reactionary response to their culture, embedded within their cultural upbringing, too. It’s to note that the designs of the Edge, and lifestyle on the Edge, are building obviously from their home culture. As we’d expect - they’re Hairy Hooligans! New ideas burgeon forth every generation, but those new designs don’t come from nowhere; they come from our culture, our upbringing, our familiarities, our contextual situations. So we would expect even the new, revolutionary materials from new generations to be obvious applications, permutations, reactions, etc. from the old. That’s how culture grows and reforms. And the Edge honestly isn’t too different in how it looks, works, and operates from Berk… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as it were.

Back to The Hidden World: it also makes sense is that everything in Berk now is going to get designed in increasingly dragon-friendly ways. And that’s why I love the concept of the armor. It makes perfect sense that they would create armor with dragon wares to look like the dragons that are so centric to their society! The concept of it is wildly fun to me and I like the thought they put into why it’d be this way!

So it all makes sense what the designers are intending for HTTYD 3! Agree!

I just aesthetically am not gravitated to the implementation of these designs. I get what they’re going for but the actual appearances don’t work for me. It doesn’t “gel” visually to me, in the same way I understand the concept behind but don’t “gel” with something like large, clunky Dragon Age armor designs. The designs in DA come from a culture and you understand why they’re designed that way from the creator standpoint… but… they can still come off as “over the top” and not visually meshing well with other, simpler cultural elements in-game. They’re the type of designs you’d only find in video games, based on how designers want to have fun making extravagant things. And that’s how I feel about how the HTTYD 3 armor outfits look. It “sticks out,” especially when we have more “realistically” designed cultural elements elsewhere through the start of the franchise. I’m just someone who prefers things looking a little… simpler… than this:

Alistair, I love you, but wtf is that?

No one’s gotta convince me for the reasoning behind these designs in The Hidden World! Never fear, I get it! XD But no one’s also going to magically change my emotional feelings toward the designs, either. XD If they feel “off” and overdone to me, that’s how I feel. My emotions are what they are. ^.^

Hopefully that clarifies what I intended before? (who knows, I’m writing this at 4:30 am hahaha…)

I know some people don’t like me saying I don’t care for things when it’s something you like. I understand! I can feel the same way when I see someone else speaking unenthusiastically about a thing I adore. It’s why I usually like to direct my discussions on tumblr towards things that make me stoked, which we can all scream happily about together. ;) I do prefer conversations veering toward the enthusiastic bonding side than saying where I feel “eh.” But since I was asked my opinion about the designs, I was just honest!

#httyd3 #httyd 3 spoilers #httyd 3 #How to Train Your Dragon 3 #The Hidden World #analysis #my analysis #long post #ask #ask me #awesome anonymous friend #Dragon Age #DA:O #Dragon Age: Origins #Anonymous

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patronusofthepugs · 5 years

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Language Hoarder

So I was dead-ass inspired by all those dumb “the Duolingo owl is going to murder your family if you don’t complete your lesson memes”, that I WROTE an inspired piece about it for my memoir class. And it’s only the first part and I need to write a second part but I’m stuck as hell. I’m probably goin to get pretty meta with it. So if anyone wants to look it over and tell me what you think, I will love you forever and write a piece about whatever you want.

The Duolingo Owl haunts my dreams. I feel its lime green feathers scratch my face as it slaps me and screeches about my inability to stick with learning one god damn language.

I wake up, gasping and drenched in sweat. Every time I close my eyes, I can still see that bulbous glare and cruel sneer on its beak.

Shuddering, I check my phone for the time. It’s 2:00am. I groan and flop back down my bed. Clutching my phone in front of me, I click on the demon’s face to open the app. The Duolingo Owl is a manifestation of my anxiety. One that’ll keep coming and slapping me in my dreams until I comply with its thuggish demands.

I have six language lessons opened.

German. Russian. Spanish. Korean. Japanese. And Norwegian.

The farthest I’ve gone on a language lesson is German flirting phrases. Die Frau better lock up their men before I come to steal them away. The others were opened on whims and naivety. And just pure stupidity, when the hell I am going to need to know Norwegian?

I can stop anytime that I want. It’s what I tell myself as I download another language app. I’m cheating on Duolingo with the Learn Thai Daily App, but it’ll be worth it. As the download circle spins and spins, I’m already dreaming of how awesome this is going to be. I’m going to learn Thai.

Every day, new words to practice, clearly the best way to tackle learning an ancient language is mispronouncing hello in a hundred different ways. The best part about this App, is it doesn’t have an obnoxious mascot to come harass me in my dreams.

The Flag of Thailand whips me across my face. It flies around my neck, strangling me as its voice drones out like a gong. It speaks in Thai and because I haven’t done my lesson in months, I don’t understand shit. I wake up, my heart racing as my hands fly instinctively to my neck. I check the time on my phone. It’s 3:00 am. God damn it. I hover over the app before clicking on it. I must appease it. I’ll just do a quick lesson on gender pronouns.

It is 12:00 am and I’m too scared to go to sleep. I scroll through Netflix before settling on a Chinese drama. I lean back, listening as the words flow like notes of a melody. The episode isn’t over when I’m already reaching for my phone to browse the app store.

The language will come easy to me, my mom used to tell me that I am the reincarnation of her Chinese grandmother. Nagging came easy to me as a five-year-old. I wielded my criticism like a kitchen knife as I pointed out her inability to keep a man.

Rather than admit that she had a bitchy kindergartner, my mom would claim that it was just my Chinese grandmother speaking through. With her moon-pale, baleful face, my grandmother would sweep through the market like a tidal wave, in Chang Mai intent on haggling for the best princes in her broken Thai.

Surely, the cranky old lady soul in me would help me stick with Chinese. I downloaded the app, Chinese For Dummies and stared apprehensively at the cartoon panda winking at me. I’ll be fine this time, I’m not going to give up.

Mai The Panda kicks me off a cliff and laughs at I plummet to my death. My Chinese grandmother has failed me.

My dreams are haunted by vengeful language mascots. They clamor and crowd around me, a whirlwind blur of kaleidoscope colors, teeth bared, and curses spill out in languages that I don’t understand. Each night I wake up, heart pounding and the slick feeling of guilt racing through my veins. I don’t know what to do. See a therapist? Hire an exorcist? I decide to do what I do best. Ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

I turn off all app notifications on my phone and go back to taking melatonin. Just one little pill and I’m out in a coma-like sleep. No more dreams, no more anxiety.

I am camped out on the couch watching Eurovision. Beams of fire shoots out as the Hungarian punk band thrashes and writhe on the stage. My sister walks by glued to her phone when she stops, her face puzzled as she glances at the T.V. She takes an Air Pod out to listen before furrowing her eye brows.

“Why are you even watching this? It’s not in English.” she complains.

I point at the subtitles, “Oh boy, I’m so glad they invented this thing called reading then.”

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. Flipping her dark hair over her shoulder, she calls out one last parting shot, “There’s no point in watching anything that you can’t understand. That’s dumb.”

Before I can formulate a response to crush her thirteen-year-old superiority complex, she’s gone. I’m left alone once more to watch the greatest international singing competition, but her words linger. I puzzle over them, at the utter confidence in which she said them. There’s no point in watching it if it’s not in English. The very sentiment of those words feels wrong.

The next performer is up. Dressed as a vampire aristocrat, he leaps onto his piano, singing a traditional Ukrainian folk song. I grin and burrow deeper into the blankets, enthralled as the song soars, like a mountainous valley, the words tumble over one and another. I don’t understand it but by god, it’s beautiful.

I glance down at my phone. The language apps jostle against one another, the mascots’ dark beseeching eyes stare at me. I don’t understand the root of my language compulsion, but a hypothesis is forming. I have dueling ethnicities wind up inside of me, blurring my features into ambiguity.

“Where are you really from?”

It’s a question I hear often. Squinting eyes, skeptical smiles, heads titled as strangers, customers, and classmates study me. My face, my eyes, my hair, my skin. All of these spelling out as not American looking. At least not American enough.

“Where are you really from?”

“Missouri.”

“Virginia.”

“Ohio.”

“I was born in Germany.”

I have a hundred of answers ready to go but what I really want to ask is, “Where do you think I’m from?”

#duolingo #english #memoir #personal writing #why is writing so hard

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no-gorms · 6 years

Text

I got tagged by @pekorosu to say 10 things about myself, so HERE GOES!

I tend to snack a lot when I'm writing fic. As in, while I'm typing I have to be eating a snack or drinking something at the same time, otherwise I lose focus.

I am an only child in a culture where this is still relatively rare (I cannot recall a single relative who is or has an only child) so I get asked a lot if I'm lonely. Which is nice and all, but I literally have no basis for comparison and cannot imagine what having a sibling would be like for me specifically.

When I was younger I developed a thing where all letters had an associated number (a=3, b=3, c=0, d=4) depending on how I wrote them, which led to a compulsion to calculate the "totals" of words. A synesthesia thing, maybe? I stopped eventually, though only realized it after the fact.

I went to a Chinese kindergarten and took Mandarin classes up to standard 3, after which I got hella stressed, bailed and forgot almost everything. My father sometimes harps on how much of an advantage I would've had if I kept at it, but it's hard for a kid to keep a language when there's few outlets to practice!

Joining online fandom in the late 90s/early 00s, it became automatic to translate the fannishness of others according to the limitations of physical space, i.e. as a SEAsian I did not have access to a hell of a lot of things plenty of non-SEAsian fans took for granted as part of the fannish experience. This became so ingrained that it took a couple of years after I became an adult and got my own credit card I realized... I can buy stuff. And have it shipped to me. THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME IS ME. That day was a revelation, I tell you.

On my first day in primary school the teacher asked us to write our names on our exercise books, and I panicked because I didn't know how to spell my name. I could spell the shortened version of my name, but not my full name, and had the nerve-wracking experience of explaining that to the teacher before going home and asking my mum to teach me.

The first movie I ever watched in the cinema was The NeverEnding Story 2. I believe it was in one of those old-fashioned converted theatres in KL city center, which still had an upper circle/balcony, where we sat.

In one of my previous fandoms I maintained a fansite that contained character details, meta and other things. It was all good fun, but then two other sites decided to copy me. One "only" copied the format of my pages, while the other copied all the content but rearranged it in their format. After dealing with that I've been kinda blase about copycats -- it's still awful, but I don't have the energy to care when people do it to me anymore.

In the same fandom as above, I got contacted by one of those fetish guys, similar to the ones that get reblogged about on tumblr. I don't draw art but I do other fannish things, and this guy in particular had a thing for feet. Which he loved telling me about in great and lovely detail, even when I told him to stop it. At the height of his pestering, he sent me 40 emails a day asking me when I was going to do the [fannish thing with feet] thing for him. (I put him on a filter and stopped seeing his emails.) He finally stopped about two years ago and capped it off by sending an angry final email about how he was done with my stuck up attitude.

For y'all Malay-speaking peeps, I have an uncle who believes that, seeing as the shortened version of my name is Annie, my trademark/calling card in life is that line from Pendekar Bukang Lapok. He randomly blurts out the line to me sometimes and, only because it’s him, I find it sweet.

I am tagging @flyingcatstiel, @livinginthequestion, @blackidyll, @shounensoul, @taikodragon but only if you want to do it! Feel free to ignore, it’s all cool.

#scaramouche makes a post #meme #selfie #long post

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radramblog · 3 years

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Album Discussion: ANThology (or: A return to my roots)

Those who have been with this blog for the long haul, or who’ve scrolled down all the way to the first couple posts, may recall that there is exactly one “album discussion” that existed before the daily postings you now know and love. That was the original intent for Me Blogging Online: to do weekly reviews of albums I had on CD. Like, if I got one done a week, it’d only take….four years… to get through all of them. Of course, the only one that actually got uploaded was for Hard-Fi’s Stars of CCTV, which is still a pretty good album.

That is not the first one I wrote, however. The first I wrote is a post that never made it beyond my own eyes. Actually I think I sent it to like one person, but it wasn’t in a completed form. I don’t have convenient access to that review anymore- I’m certain I only saved it as a sticky note on a laptop that may or may not still work- but I sure do have access to the album.

The fact that I haven’t listened to it since might indicate how I feel about it. Because this week, we’re getting a blast from the past in more ways than one- it’s Alien Ant Farm’s ANThology.

God help us all.

I will give AAF credit for one thing- naming the first album Greatest Hits and second one Anthology is exactly the meta shit I like when it comes to album names. I’ve said for a while that if I was ever a musician, I’d name my first album “Self-titled Debut” and the second “Underwhelming Followup”. When I was younger and disliked electronic music as a whole (because I was an edgy teenager) I also thought having an electronic instrumental named “Oxymoron” would be quite funny.

I wouldn’t expect much more praise for them, I’m afraid. Because this album is painfully mediocre early 00s nu-metal, and this is coming from someone who likes that stuff. Our first track, Courage, feels like an offcut from a mid-level Limp Bizkit album- the instrumental is fine, but nothing outstanding, and…look, I don’t know if Dryden Mitchell is a nice guy in real life or not, but it’s kind of hard not to come for his ass here. Because he’s really not a great vocalist. A lot of nu-metal was kind of about being ugly and whiny, and my mans just doesn’t hit either angle. Too clean for the genre but not good enough to succeed despite that.

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Our second track on the album is Movies, one of its three singles and by far AAF’s second most popular song. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the first one. This song feels much more like something you would hear on the radio back in the day- a cleaner version of the kind of sound these bands were known for, that’s acceptable enough for pop/hit stations to play. Because that was relevant in 2001, and I mean that without sarcasm. Honestly, I remember being kinda harsh on this song when I last listened to the album, but it’s mostly just…inoffensive. The lyrics are romantic in a painfully cheesy way, and the performance and instrumental are both functional at the level of a 00s rock track. It’s just…really forgettable. Its blandness is kind of its downfall, I’m afraid.

Speaking of blandness, I kinda have to skip the next few tracks. Because there is just so little to take from them. Flesh and Bone (Track 3) is at least trying to do something a bit more interesting in the instrumentation in the verses, with this staggered, staccato bit which isn’t bad, but lets it all go in the verse/bridge. Much like Courage felt like an unreleased LB track, Whisper (Track 4) has a bit of a Deftones vibe, but it just makes me want to listen to Around the Fur again Or just loop My Own Summer, because that song fucks, much unlike this album’s 5th track, Summer. And I have actual nothing to say about Sticks and Stones (Track 6). I always feel bad when I’m jumping through songs like this, but this is a genre I actively like, and yet these songs still manage to blend together into a generic sludge.

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So we’re going to reach the second single, Attitude. I actually really like the guitar melody this song opens up on, and the way it cuts back into just drums to begin the first verse. Genuinely, the instrumentation on this song is simple, trying to suit the more low-mood of the track, and it actually works. Unfortunately, considering it’s trying to be a more lyrics-driven, emotional track, this is where Dryden’s delivery really lets the whole thing down. If you don’t mind me ruining this entire album: he does a thing where he ends a lot of lines with a little “-ah”, and it’s really noticeable in this track’s chorus. And it gets extremely grating when you notice it. I’d genuinely like to hear a cover of this song, because I do think the non-vocal aspects are solid (well maybe the lyrics are a bit shite), but as it is, I can’t say I give this one a pass.

My plan was to cut ahead to the third and final single on this album, but there’s another song on here that randomly has more listens than Attitude despite not being a single- Track 9, Wish. You weren’t missing much on Track 8. Wish is at least an excuse to say another nice thing about this album and band- they’re clearly trying to do a bunch of different things within the space of the album. The guitarwork on Wish’s verses has that chugging tone reminiscent of System of a Down, and the track as a whole is definitely one of the better ones. The…bridge? I think? Is kind of godawful, though, if I’m honest. This is a track that I think needed a couple extra passes, and could have been great if it got them, but as it is is just kind of eh.

So all of this begs the question. Why the fuck am I talking about this album? I mean, it’s because it’s the first album I really ever wrote about, but beyond that- why did I write about it all that time ago? I think it actually might have been two years ago, when I decided to do that, and since then I’ve learned a lot about how I like to write about music, what music I like to write about, et cetera. But when I first started, I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing, I was basically doing things on a whim. So why this album? Why Anthology?

Well, that’s because of Track 12, which I guarantee you’ve heard before. And if you haven’t, then I’m so, so fucking glad I get to introduce you to this.

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That’s right, these guys are the ones who did the Smooth Criminal cover. And they own that shit. It’s the most popular song they’ve ever done by an order of magnitude, two orders more popular than the album as a whole, and the one-hit-wonder that brought them up and brought them low.

The difference between this cover and the rest of the album is utterly jarring. Smooth Criminal was always a very good, very funky song, but this translation has such an incredible bouncy energy that it’s hard not to get into it. And I can tell you right now that nothing else on the album sounds like this. It’s kind of surprising- like you’d think a band’s one cover would be roughly in the same style as the rest of their work, but while this is undoubtedly a Nu Metal Smooth Criminal, it just has a power and swagger about it that would have been lovely to see for the rest of it.

I guarantee if you’ve heard of this band it’s because of this cover. It’s how I knew about them. If you want a more big-brain analysis of the whole thing, probably check out Todd in the Shadows’s video about the track, because it’s better researched and more nuanced from someone with more music knowledge than I. But what I can tell you is that it’s clearly the best track on the album, and it’s not particularly close.

And that’s the album. Well, no it isn’t, there’s still Universe and the bonus track, one of the few I can remember where Spotify doesn’t just separate it out from the last song. Universe is actually pretty okay, surprisingly grim-sounding which I do like, and the hidden song (“Orange Appeal”) kinda sounds like a remix of something from the Left 4 Dead 2 soundtrack. But It might as well be the end of the album. Like, Smooth Criminal is why we’re all here, right? I suppose putting it so close to the end was a good move to make people actually listen to the album, but you do risk people zoning out through the album’s dregs.

Anthology is kind of the ur-example of a one hit wonder band’s album that…kind of deserved it. A lot of the time, you find a one hit wonder, and it’s like dang, they’ve actually got some really good stuff that deserves time in the spotlight (e.g. The Veronicas, The Raconteurs arguably Franz Ferdinand), but Alien Ant Farm…kind of aren’t one of them, based on this. I think it is extremely telling that the most recent output by the band- a 2020 single that’s the first new music from them since a 2015 album that isn’t even on Spotify- is another cover, of Wham!’s Everything She Wants. It’s decent? Like, better than most of Anthology easily.

The long and short is, you can probably miss this album completely with the exception of Smooth Criminal and be completely fine. Even if you are into this genre, you can probably miss it, unless you’re really hunting for new material. It’s a forgettable album, unfortunately, which isn’t great when it contains your one hit track.

And yet I think this is still less harsh than I was the last time I wrote about this record. I remember jumping around a lot more, and going in way harder on the vocals. I remember slagging off the actual album cover and lyrics booklet (it’s real bad!), because the idea was I was talking about the whole CD package as well as the music. But I also remember not having as much to compliment, so I suppose maybe I’ve matured a bit. I’d like to think that. Maybe at some point I’ll try and dig up the old original ramble, but for now, I’m happy for this to be my final word on Alien Ant Farm.

#ramble #music #nu metal #alien ant farm #anthology #its fine?

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