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ponett · 1 year

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I have now finally seen the Mario movie. It was Pretty Good. Here are my wordy thoughts on it. (I am going to spoil the entire movie. Duh.)

In many ways, the Mario movie does what I wish the first Sonic movie had done. They just took the characters and the premise and the world from the games, and made it a straightforward animated adventure movie. It's bright and colorful and remixes things JUST enough to include fun elements from multiple games, and it doesn't make Mario get adopted by James Marsden or whatever. It even has the music!

That's all you really need, right? Right...?

I'll get this out of the way up front. Chris Pratt was fine. He's fine

If anything, it really feels like they did the movie a disservice by letting us hear so little of the Mario voice in the previews. It took one scene for Pratt to disappear into the role for me. It was totally fine. If anything, I found Charlie Day's normal voice coming out of Luigi WAY more distracting, even if I did like him in the role.

Everyone else was pretty good, for the most part. Jack Black was obviously very good as Bowser, but I'm biased. Seth Rogen does the Seth Rogen laughs as Donkey Kong, but I thought DK was fun, too. (I liked his little rivalry with Mario where he was just constantly giving him shit.) The only casting choice I truly hated was Fred Armisen as Cranky Kong. I hated every line that came out of his mouth. He sounds atrocious. Just the worst. I swear to fucking god if they do a DKC movie and we have to hear him for 90 minutes

I did think Peach was lacking, but that was on the script, not Anya Taylor-Joy's performance. It's cool to see Peach fight, but it's one of those all too common instances where the writers put so much effort into making the main girl kick ass and be an effortlessly confident girlboss that they forgot to give her an actual personality. Not that I'd point to Super Princess Peach and its mood swing superpowers as positive representation or anything, but there's a happy middle ground, surely. Shrek was 22 years ago, just having the princess do flying kung fu kicks isn't enough.

Okay. With the voices out of the way, let's talk about the big picture:

It's way better than the words "Illumination Mario movie" implied, and I mostly enjoyed my time with it. The spirit of Mario is there 100%. But I'd also describe it as "ruthlessly efficient."

This was perhaps the main complaint critics had, and they were absolutely right. People have responded to these totally average reviews with "Well, what did you expect? Shakespeare?! It's MARIO!!" Like, yes, I would prefer it if the movie I paid to see had writing that was good instead of bad. What a shocker. My issue isn't that it's not "high-brow" enough. The problem is that it feels mercenary. It feels like an editor went through and deleted almost every line of dialogue that isn't some form of exposition, at the expense of the pacing. Any scene that's not a montage or some sort of action is kept as short as they could make it, with barely any room for embellishment, character interaction, or anything other than the bare minimum word count to hit all the typical Save the Cat Hollywood screenwriting 101 story beats to the letter. There aren't even as many jokes as you might think (and the ones that are there are extremely hit or miss, including a lot of the slapstick with Mario himself).

Mario and Peach's little arc together in the front half of the film is probably the worst example of this pacing. Even having read reviews that complained about how fast Peach goes from meeting Mario (by her admission the first other human she's ever met) to deciding to train him as the new savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, I was SHOCKED at how fast it was. They don't even lampshade it.

Peach takes Mario straight into the big training sequence where he learns how to use mushrooms and jump over platforming obstacles. Peach is apparently already a hypercompetent platforming pro and a great fighter, so there's no clear reason why she's taking the time to train this random guy to be half as good as her when the world is in danger. Then they set off on their adventure, Toad joins them, and we get a VERY brief travel montage. It's about thirty seconds total - just long enough to give Peach a line about how she wants to protect this beautiful world of hers to try and give her some stakes. We get the genre-mandated nighttime campfire heart to heart, which is exactly long enough to have Mario say he misses Luigi and to have Peach give the two sentence summary of her origin story and not a second longer. Then they reach the Kongs, and their big journey is complete. (They barely interact for the rest of the movie.) So much of the movie is like this - always ready to get on to the next scene as soon as a new one starts.

I'm not criticizing the script because I expect The Super Mario Bros. Movie to be a prestige drama - although there are certainly halfhearted attempts at a dramatic arc. The stuff with Mario's family was a fun enough idea, but again, ruthless efficiency. We get one quick scene with them at the start to give Mario some pathos, because I guess Save the Cat said he's gotta have some pathos. And then Mario gets his dad's approval amidst the action of the final battle in Brooklyn to resolve his arc, just so the movie can end as quickly as possible once Bowser is defeated. (Despite now having the approval of their family and their community back in Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi move to the Mushroom Kingdom off-screen without a single word dedicated to this decision, because that's where they live in the games.)

Look. I am not comparing it to The Godfather. Don't give me that shit. I am not asking for an extra half hour to explore Mario and Luigi's childhood trauma. I am not asking for the complex inner workings of the Mushroom Kingdom monarchy. I know this is gonna be a basic Hero's Journey adventure for kids. It just feels like it's turning down so many opportunities to have a little fun with the characters, to let them interact and play off of each other, to let there be some adventure on this adventure. This is the first time we've gotten to see these characters interact with fully voiced dialogue in a very, very long time! "Yeah, it's not High Art, but it's FUN!" Stories are fun! Character interactions are fun! The script could be having so much more fun!! It is adamantly against making the Story parts of this story-driven movie any more Fun than they functionally need to be!!!

Mario, Peach, and Toad's journey to find the Kongs is shorter than the training montage that precedes it. After the opening, Bowser mostly just sits in his castle and waits for the third act to start. Luigi's there, too, but he only gets one scene with Bowser and then the movie mostly forgets he exists until the climax. He doesn't even get to try and sneak out of Bowser's castle and get up to hijinx. He's just there to be a motivation for Mario, so he sits in a cage for half the movie. It's the bare outline of a script with action scenes added in.

Aside from the fact that it's Jack Black singing as Bowser, I feel like this overly-efficient script might be part of the reason why the "Peaches" scene stands out so much. It's a moment that didn't strictly need to be there to keep the plot moving or to provide an action setpiece. It's not even a reference to another Mario thing. It's just a fun and memorable little character moment that's there for its own sake. That's what the movie needed more of. To stop and smell the roses more often. To play in the space.

To be clear, this isn't a unique problem with this movie. Critics have been noting for years that second acts are disappearing from big Hollywood movies in favor of the Act I plot setup and the Act III action, even though Act II is supposed to be where you get to explore your actual premise. And lots of animated movies give me this exact same vibe of being too "screenwriterly," or feeling like they had an executive breathing down their necks and demanding changes based on focus testing. But these common issues are why I come away mostly feeling like the movie is on the better end of "average," rather than totally blowing my mind. You have seen this movie many times before, just not with Mario in it.

And, of course, there's the music. The score by Brian Tyler based on various classic Mario and Donkey Kong tunes (frustratingly all attributed to Koji Kondo) is absolutely beautiful, but it's unfortunately frequently overshadowed by the licensed music. Everyone already complained about things like the use of Take On Me in place of a lovingly arranged DKC medley, but it feels illustrative of the tug of war the movie is caught in the middle of, between wanting to be a lavishly faithful Mario movie and wanting to be a generic tentpole animated adventure movie. Every single licensed song used is the most obvious, overused song they could have picked for the scene. It reeks of cynical executive meddling and it took me out of the movie every time.

But there really was a lot of care and love put into this movie - more than probably any other video game movie ever made, not that that's a high bar. I don't want to underplay that too much amidst all my complaints spurred by the absolutely insane response to the reviews.

Aside from the countless background references that people will be picking apart for years, touches like the Captain Toad tune playing in the background of Toad's introduction or the Mario Kart 8 menu music playing in the kart garage really help bring it to another level of authenticity. I also enjoyed seeing some more obscure Mario enemies that felt like they were picked more for being fun to animate than for being nostalgic and marketable. No matter how many times I sarcastically pointed to the screen and deadpanned "reference. reference." I am not immune to noticing these things and smiling. I am not immune to the DK Rap. These alone don't make the movie good, but it's nice to have a video game movie that feels like it was made by people who like video games.

Most importantly, the animation is great throughout. It's leaps and bounds ahead of other Illumination work, and it's the best the Mario cast has ever looked. They even made Donkey Kong handsome, somehow. They're all so squishy and expressive, and they move so fluidly - especially in the action scenes. I particularly liked the more kinetic ones like the aerial Banzai Bill chase and the Mario Kart sequence. Truly, the Mad Max-inspired car battle on Rainbow Road where Mario literally does the speedrun shortcut is this movie firing on all cylinders.

Other, more hand-to-hand fights nail the Popeye-esque vibe Mario should be going for. He's an underdog who gets the shit kicked out of him by bigger, stronger opponents until he gets his signature powerup and turns the tables on them. My favorite animation of all probably came from the use of Cat Mario to turn the tide in the DK fight. They had so much fun making Mario move like a cat. Again, it feels like a choice made because it'd be fun to animate rather than just a nostalgia move.

It's that animation and that attention to detail that carry the film, really. They elevate it from mediocrity into being a fun watch for a fan like me, albeit one I couldn't help but pick apart with Anthony as we watched it at home. I'm glad I saw it, but there's a lot of room to improve with the inevitable sequel. I hope they do. I can't deny that I had fun with the movie, but I hope next time that fun is partially because of the script instead of in spite of it.

Stray thoughts:

Overall, I would say I enjoyed the movie a lot more than Sonic 1, but probably not as much as Sonic 2. Not that these movies need to be pitted against each other.

I hated the Luma. I hated how hilarious they clearly thought the Luma was. They have the fucking Luma break the fourth wall to end the movie and start the credits. This is going to be a deep cut for fans of bad animated films, but the whole time I was just thinking of the little fish from Romeo & Juliet: Sealed With A Kiss who's just the director's kid saying random nonsense. You know I'm right

I rolled my eyes at the "our princess is in another castle" joke and several other jokes that would have been dated in a gamer webcomic 20 years ago but I guess they had to be there

How much of Brooklyn did Bowser's giant floating castle take out? We know 9/11 happened in this universe because the Freedom Tower is there, hasn't New York been through enough

I can't believe there's a Diskun easter egg

The dog is the most Illumination character design in the movie. It felt like it wandered on set from The Secret Life of Pets

Mario being a gamer and playing Kid Icarus of all things just made me remember this tweet:

Yes Anthony did get mad at me for being thirsty for Bowser

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strawberry-jan · 10 months

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I had thought that my days of writing long fandom effort-posts were behind me but then I finished Gaiden and welp, here I am. I ugly sobbed at the ending and then spent the next several hours ugly sobbing in textual form at friends. I have some thoughts; I am going to put a few spoiler-heavy ones (read: a lot of them) under the cut after this brief (read: lengthy) spoiler-free introduction.

Y6 and Y7 left me feeling like the writers should’ve just retired Kiryu from the series after Y5, even if it meant leaving him lying there in the snow and never following up on whether he’d actually made it back to Haruka or was just dreaming. I have complained at length about nearly every aspect of Y6, but since it’s directly relevant to my feelings about Gaiden, let me state my gripe with the ending specifically: it was an absolutely bizarre move to position that game’s ending (1) after Y5 and (2) within a game that hits the player over the head repeatedly with the message that setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm is a mistake that hurts not only you but also those around you.

Kiryu walks down the sunny path away from Morning Glory at the end of Y6, and everything about the framing suggests that even though it’s bittersweet, it ultimately tends toward sweet: the old generation has made way for the new, Yuta is there to look after Haruka in Kiryu’s place (don't get me started on this), and his family is safe for good. The problem with this is that it’s a shit resolution considering the game’s themes and also a devastating ending specifically for Kiryu. We’ve just come off the heels of Y5, where it’s more obvious than ever that despite his gruff, stoic exterior, at heart he’s a warm, caring man who badly needs to be with the people he loves. Exiling himself to Nagasugai made him unspeakably unhappy; what he wants, and what everyone in his family wants, is to be together, and this is something that Y6 harps on initially and then forgets in its ending. Walking away from Morning Glory forever is condemning himself to a lingering death and neither Y6 nor Y7 acknowledges this meaningfully. (Y7, in fact, is infuriating about this; Kiryu’s cameo there felt so cheap and unnecessary that I, one of the man’s biggest fans, was irritated at seeing him there.) It would have been kinder to just kill him outright at the end of Y6.

In that context, Gaiden feels like an apology that also tells you, gently, that we're at the end of an era - for real this time.

Like a Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Still Thinks Sunglasses Are a Proper Disguise is a roughly 25-hour outing (depending on how much time you sink into mahjong and whether you can get over your embarrassment long enough to close your blinds and watch the painfully awkward live-action hostess videos) in which the writers spend most of the run-time reassuring you, “Yes, actually, we do understand this character and the ramifications of his decision.” There are so many points in the story where it comes up that his family is the one thing that Kiryu wants and the one thing he can’t have. He’s explicit about his desire; you can go so far as to ask a wish-granting vagrant in a silly substory full of Dragon Ball (and also ball) jokes to give him his happy, peaceful life back, because even when Kiryu’s up to his balls in testicular puns, that’s what’s on his mind. There’s no façade that he puts up; the game simply acknowledges this want and goes, “Yes, that was the lesson you learned and discarded; sorry that you can’t act on it anymore, but that window closed in 2016 when you decided to die instead of taking the briefcase full of cash.”

So. This is sad enough. But what really broke me about the ending – and what I know really broke a lot of other people – was the fact that it’s so devastatingly clear that even if Kiryu were to have taken the Omi’s terrible offer to do away with Hanawa and get himself back to Okinawa, it wouldn’t have mattered. I think the writers were very deliberate about having everyone refer to the “kids in Okinawa” (yes, also in Japanese) when they make threats toward Kiryu’s family or talk about his desire to see them again. Kiryu thinks of them as his kids, but when he looks at the recording on Hanawa’s tablet, he sees adults with adult jobs and adult lives of their own. They love him, but their world has moved on without him, and there are no “kids in Okinawa” to return to; all this time, Kiryu has been clinging to a vision of his peaceful life with his kids that doesn’t exist and, in fact, cannot exist anymore. The series has always taken place (barring the spinoffs) roughly in the present moment with real time passing between entries, and I’ve never felt it so painfully acutely as I did in that moment when Kiryu realizes that Haruto can write.

And this is all of a piece, I think, with the speech he gives earlier in the game about wanting to do right by Kazama, Nishiki, and Yumi – more idealized visions of people he once knew and still loves. Hell, even though I’m disappointed not to get the fanservice that would’ve been Kiryu talking to Daigo, Majima, and Saejima at length, none of those members of the old guard have interacted with him since he left the hospital and went to jail at the start of Y6. It’s not just his kids who have moved on: Daigo is doing things for himself without sneaking back into Suzuki Taichi’s life to beg him for advice, and though Majima does roll his eye at Kiryu and tell him to stick around for a bit after the brawl (and the little knife-throw made me go hohohoh because I'm shameless and will take whatever scraps the studio deigns to give me), he and Saejima are bickering and joking around with each other like an old married couple. They’ve moved on, too, and Kiryu’s world is ghosts all the way down.

It's not all miserable, of course. I do genuinely love that Kiryu’s kids are happy, and although Kiryu sobs that he needed them more than they needed him, that seems more like a function of his chronically low self-esteem than anything based in reality. You can tell that the Morning Glory kids regarded him as a positive force in their lives and that they still do as adults – Taichi, for instance, says that he decided to be a firefighter because he wanted to protect people like Kiryu did. Kiryu’s family looked up to him but, crucially, without falling into the cycle that Kiryu did when he looked up to his own father figure. And it really warms my heart that clearly Haruka has been telling Haruto about her dad, such that the kid knows enough about oji-san to draw a picture of him with the rest of his family. I think a lot of other media’s writers would have chosen to make the Morning Glory kids bitter about Kiryu’s absence, to have them resent their dad for repeatedly disappearing on them. Maybe they did in fact feel upset with him for a while, but the video presents them all as happy and hopeful that maybe someday their not-dead dad will come back to have a drink with them – and I do hope that Y8 allows this to happen in some way. It wouldn’t be a return to his old life, but it would be something.

Anyway: I’d feel weird about talking at such great length about all of this without talking about the Big Dissolution Brawl and everything around it. It's all connected, after all. Just as Kiryu comes to the painful acknowledgement that his little world has moved on, so too does he have to beat it into Shishido’s skull that the organization that he’s still clinging to is a thing of the past. It’s not just that anti-Yakuza laws are making it more difficult for them to function and that the police and politicians have found ways to use them as scapegoats and pawns. It’s also that everyone who’s been in the business long enough understands that even the best men among them are still bastards and their organizations aren’t worth saving. Tsuruno – probably my favourite new character – is a fiercely loyal man who’s known for taking guys like Shishido under his wing; he also has no compunctions about plotting to murder Hanawa, threatening Kiryu’s family as a manipulation tactic, threatening Kiryu himself with a red-hot branding iron, and using Kiryu as an accessory to murder. Notable cool dude Watase made use of the Kijin Clan because their assassination services were necessary for him to get ahead, and he and Tsuruno readily discard Nishitani III the second he becomes a liability – gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, after all. (I am not going into anything else about whatever the writers thought they were doing with Nishitani. I think there was something to do there with the game's interest in names and legacy but then, in classic RGG Studio fashion, they forgot to elaborate on it in any meaningful way.) For the first time since the late 80s, Kiryu is even forced to explicitly consider Kazama’s faults – albeit only briefly, and only in a substory.

Shishido himself wants to be the final boss of a previous game as if there's some kind of throne left to contend for (and his final fight is actually pretty reminiscent of the brawl with Aizawa, a high point in the series). And, at Kiryu’s insistence, he’s allowed to get out his blustering final speech about it – but he shouts about refusing to allow the old guard to dismantle the structure he’s ascended while everyone around him who actually matters is standing there, like, “Dude, the Tojo and Omi are over; read the room.” We're playing through the epilogue to Kiryu's saga, and we're seeing everything that drove that saga's conflicts being tied up or taken apart as needed. The kids will be alright no matter what happens to Kiryu, and while we already saw the Tojo Clan bite it in Y7 after its long decline over the course of the series, we're finally seeing that from the perspective of the guy who prolonged things by shoving Daigo into the chairman's seat and coming back to Kamurocho once a year or so for a Millennium Tower punch-out. Kiryu even acknowledges that, like Shishido, he loves this shit - "You hear someone out there's stronger... And soon your only thought is how to defeat them," he tells the man. But he goes on to say that that dream is meaningless in the face of other people's daily struggles. Again, it's time for everyone to move on. It's time for you as the player to move on, and you're being given one last real-time shirt-rip brawl against a man who won't accept that the era is over in order to underscore the point that it's over.

I’m not entirely sure how to finish this already too long post. There's a lot I haven't even touched on. I will say that I love Hanawa and Akame and Tsuruno. I love going back to Sotenbori. I love yet another game in which I can slam through the koi-koi and mahjong completion lists. I love all the callbacks and the sequence in the castle where you fight not-Kiryu and they've given him Gun and Sword like some kind of budget Sakamoto Ryoma. I love playing dress-up with my big burly guy. I love everything about the big boys’ night out in Chapter 4. I love that immediately after being tortured by Daidoji agents Kiryu can wander into the next room over to ask for a turn on their Sega Master System. I love how funny this game is when it's not socking me repeatedly in the gut. More than anything, I love that even though Kiryu’s enduring the world’s most drawn-out death sentence he’s still Kiryu and he’ll still snark at people and get really into little cars and involve himself in people's problems at the drop of a hat. I wish that I’d gotten to see Kiryu getting tripe with the old Tojo guard at the end of the game, but that’s what fic is for. I will not be writing that fic any time soon because I’m still way too deep in my feelings about this game to write anything cheerful about it. As I said, Gaiden feels like an apology, and while it made me cry harder than a video game has ever made me cry before, I’m so happy to have received it.

#like a dragon gaiden #there are no spoilers above the cut but if you click through uhhh watch out #this was an embarrassing number of words SORRY #and I hardly touched on some aspects of the plot

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thefirstknife · 1 year

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While I 100% agree that if people aren't having fun they should take a step back/quit, I don't like the "if you're not having fun just go find another game" argument because it's so often used to shut down actual legitimate criticism from people who are otherwise enjoying the game but want genuine problems to be addressed. (I've seen it, for example, when people try to bring up bigotry in games and suggest maybe making some changes to remove it. I always get wary when I see people say it now.)

Oh yeah absolutely. There's real criticism that we have to be able to point out and discuss. A lot of the times people use this for any minor criticism someone has and I agree, that's often a way to shut down the conversation. Criticism in general is supposed to come from a place of love: you love something and you want to see it be better.

Unfortunately, in this case, when the community turns into ONLY negativity and criticism, it's kinda hard to believe they care about the game anymore. If people still had some positive stuff to engage with and were enjoying the game but had issues, then sure. But most of the negativity online right now is just purely rage bait. Bungie apparently has no redeeming qualities, and Destiny is dead. Misinformation is spreading about everything: all devs abandoned Destiny to work on Marathon (claim with no source that's accepted as fact and makes no sense: Destiny is the only game making them money, they can't abandon it before Marathon is out. Like, logically), monetisation is the worst in the industry (I genuinely don't believe that they play other games if they think that Destiny's monetisation is the worst in the industry), Bungie is maliciously banning people for fun (????) but also Bungie isn't banning people enough, Bungie is maliciously making server issues and didn't develop a "fix server" button in their office, game development is easy and Bungie is just lazy and the devs don't want to tell us anything because they're evil, Destiny is falling apart and nobody is playing anymore (just trust me bro), and most recent one which is possibly the most baffling of all - Bungie Foundation is a scam to write off taxes. Yes, that is currently discourse (which apparently gets recycled every year). Bungie Foundation, a charity organisation that's been going on for 13 years and is an independent registered organisation, is a scam. This is where we're at with the community mentality. And there's even more.

When we're at this point, it's truly something else. Like, if they believe conspiracy theories about Bungie and think Bungie is scamming them, maybe they just shouldn't play the game anymore. Why are they still here if they think this is all a scam? I would drop the game if I believed any of this so strongly.

Normal people having criticism and all is perfectly fine however! I did my fair share especially recently about the season pass pricing changes which I called a predatory practice and still believe it is. There's a lot more stuff to complain about while still enjoying the game and not basing your entire online existence and personality on hating Bungie. If they've got nothing else to do besides sitting on twitter shitting on Bungie, maybe it's time to move on.

I've also had my suspicions about the motives for hardcore Bungie hate after the incidents involving transphobic attacks on Bungie devs following the LF showcase, as well as all the crap about Nimbus and their VA. Given the recent developments about the general anti-LGBT+ mentality, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a contingent of people who are focusing on Bungie more than anyone else for how outspoken they are in their support for LGBT+ causes. Like, not to do some big reach or something but it's fairly curious that gamers online are adopting the anti-LGBT+ sentiments while Bungie is aggressively supportive. It just rubs me the wrong way that the one company that's committed to this and has been for years before most other companies jumped on the bandwagon is the one that they're choosing to paint as the worst villain. And the LGBT+ support isn't even all, as Bungie has other initiatives where they actively support women's right, reproductive rights, poc rights, disability rights and so on). I don't know, I've been a part of the gaming community for a long time and while there's been massive changes since the early days (and since gamergate days), the issues of bigotry in gaming remain. It feels particularly suspicious to, out of ALL companies, single out Bungie which invests in charities and progressive causes. Like, in the grand scheme of things, every corpo is robbing me blind, I know that, I have to give money to corpos to live on this Earth, so I at least want to give it to a corpo that considers me to be a human being and funds causes that promote my rights, instead of wanting me dead.

Ironically, all of this weird hate makes it harder to have actual normal criticism. It just gets drowned and lost in the sea of exaggerated bullshit and lies and conspiracies perpetuated by people who just don't seem to like the game anymore. At the end of the day, it's a video game. Whatever criticism we have, if it gets to the point where we just can't handle the state of the game, the best way to show it is to simply stop playing. A deluge of harassment on twitter will not bring about meaningful change nor will it adequately convey our criticism to anyone. If they truly want some changes, they would do this criticism in a way that matters, instead of creating a horde of angry gamers who will latch onto every lie and create a hate bandwagon.

#destiny 2 #bungie #long post #ask #i def agree with the premise of the ask btw. if that isn't clear #not all criticism is just meaningless rage #unfortunately it's harder than ever to parse through the bullshit to find it #and like. if this leads to less monetisation or something. sure. I'd like that too #but the methods being employed here are literally only hurting community managers devs and the community itself #the marketing board of execs at bungie who decided on monetisation aren't reading twitter comments #going at bungie won't solve the problems of capitalism #you gotta join a different cause to do that my working class siblings #check a discussion on the industry from thiccest_yosh on twitter (he's a bungie dev)#he specifically called out monetisation ruining art as well as misinformation and rage being spread by CCs #refreshing to see this being said directly and publicly by someone who works in the industry #and one more note on the bigotry stuff that made me bitter about aztecross and his stupid video the most #aztecross played supported and promoted hogshit legacy. this big 'anti-corpo warrior'#funding one of the biggest bigots in the world who actively works on trying to kill as many people as possible. totally fine i guess #'it's just a video game.' but with bungie it's life and death apparently #it makes me super bitter and suspicious. especially given how many CCs were in on misgendering characters #i dont trust any of these people. they're a business and when the business is bigotry they gladly participate

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giraffeclass · 2 years

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my personal thoughts about the whole queerbait discourse regarding the daddies that are buddies

So. Do I think Buddy Daddies is queerbait? There's two things to analyze there. First, is the marketing of the show geared towards grabbing a BL audience? I'm not japanese nor speak the language so it's impossible for me accurately make a judgement on that.

But at least regarding the show itself, I don't think so. Like, I don't think the show is promising anything it isn't delivering? It's very straightforward about Kazuki and Rei having a strong partnership as roommates/coworkers/friends, and both being Miri's dads and the three of them being family and that's it, it never hints at anything else, never goes "wink wink nudge nudge are they a couple~? ;333"

Like in episode 4 for example(the daycare episode) it would have been so easy to sneak in some bait-y jokes, have a teacher assume they're a couple and then show Kazuki denying it getting all nervous and blushy, but they don't do that. They directly say "Yes, we are both her fathers" and no other characters in the episode question that or make any suggestive comments. What you see is what you get. It ends up being pretty refreshing how easily accepted it is.

Basically I think the show is like... non-hostile to a queer interpretation while also not feeding any false hope I guess?

And of course there's a lot of subtext, whether that subtext is accidental or not. Just the premise itself is already inherently queer. At the end of the day, this anime has a message of acceptance for non-conventional families, which is very queer-positive, whether intentional or not.

I started this show genuinely thinking it was gonna be generic bait and so far I've honestly just been pleasantly surprised? Like I just don't feel like they're dangling something in front of me or whatever. idk I'm just enjoying the ride lol

also here's the thing. I actually tend to really enjoy the more ambiguous/subtle kind of relationship writing, the kind of stuff that blurs the line between friendship and romance, and so I gravitate towards a lot of stuff that people would usually consider queerbait lol. I just love the concept of two people who have this deep and unspoken trust and love for each other and don't need precise words to define it, or don't know how to define it, or are not emotionally honest enough yet to define it, but the love is clear as day. Like I love it when two characters refuse to even call each other "friend" but you know they would die for each other lmao.

Best example I can think of is G/ood Omens(the show, haven't read the book yet). Lots of queer people complained that they never kiss or outright say "I love you" or anything like that, meanwhile I was there like oh shit, I actually really loved the way their relationship was portrayed in the show and wouldn't change a single thing about it

I do understand the feelings of people who want something that leaves absolutely no room to be interpreted as platonic, and I think we need more of that always. But also I feel like the discourse has lost a lot of nuance, idk. anyway I got off topic oops

#buddy daddies #welp no episode this week so ill post this #mostly disorganized adhd rambling sorry ajsjdjf

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zizz-asdf-re-r-o-u · 1 year

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NU:Carnival Gambler's Paradise Event Review/Analysis

Warning for spoilers! (Note: This was written before Rusted Nation event came out, so some of the gore/assault stuff I talk about is missing)

Ok so I'm technically new to playing Nu Carnival (as in, since Sunburst Festival), so I can only compare it to Sunburst Festival, Misty Vale, and the reruns since Sunburst Festival. But I thought I'd share my thoughts on why the Gambler's Paradise event was so good.

As a disclaimer: I'm not into fluffy stories and personally prefer horror, gore, action, and ofc smut. So if that stuff ain't your cup of tea, then what I'm saying are positive things, may not be your thing. I'm also a lesbian so I'm not playing this game with the intention of self inserting myself to be banged by the guys. I can only think in terms of the quality of the sex and story compared to other porn games I've played.

The story/sex:

One thing many people have said about NU:Carnival, is that its a gay porn game, but with "an actually good story and good characters". However, if we look at it realistically in terms of what most players can afford, then it's more like a gacha turn-based RPG, with a few porn scenes locked away. With the exception of the 1st opening scene, in all the main storyline chapters, there is no sex, unless you pull for character cards. At most, we occasionally get characters talking about their sexual exploits and Chimes of Darkness event had an off-screen orgy. Naturally, this is still a gacha game and the H scenes will never be available for free.

But in Gambler's paradise, a very taboo sexual crime (vore) is what kicks off the plot, characters are deliberately flirty for plot reasons, a magical cock ring is what solves the day, and so on. It's a very horny event, mixing porn with plot and that's what I think makes a good porn game. A porn game shouldn't be censored or fluffy- it should have horny first, and then to elevate it from being just a bad cliched average porn game, it could also have a good plot.

The SSRs:

I personally think SSR Aster & Morvay battle stats kind of suck, so we'll just ignore that. Instead, their SSR designs are very good. I do really miss femboy twink Aster, but full form Aster is not bad and actually made me notice/appreciate twink Aster more. Morvay, however, is standout because he doesn't have illogical gravity-defying skintight clothes and has fatty pecs. All the big titty guys (including Morvay SR/R/N) in NU:Carnival have perky tight muscular pectorals. But SSR Morvay? His are borderline sagging! To everyone who complains that there is are no fat guys in Nuca- first up its a porn game so it'll never happen, but SSR Morvay is the closest we can get to so far. Nuca's other claim to fame is the clothing damage. I don't have every card so I'm not sure if any other cards have it, but I think Aster & Morvay might be the 1st SSRs with visible marks on their bodies (kisses, handprints, rope, etc).

As for the rooms- I did look up kink stats for all rooms, and I gotta say- Aster & Morvay have THE most creative H scenes in the entire game so far. Nuca is actually kind of vanilla if we think about it, and they BROUGHT the kinky shit. Most other porn games have more far extreme (or stupidly ridiculous >_> ) stuff than these 2 rooms, so Nuca is finally starting to catch up.

I would like to bring extra attention to Aster though. I've read a lot of BL manga, I've played a tiny number BL games, watched many more BL game Let's plays/livestreams, and have researched many titles/looked at many people's recommendations, so I think i know a decent number of titles. At this point in history, there are absolutely 0 transguys that have sex in BL (not including "magical MTF genderswapping" that hentai/anime is known for). There's also 0 use of strapons in smutty BL. We've also still haven't seen Aster naked or directly using his junk into/with someone else. Yes there's mention of Aster's "rod" & something gushing/leaking behind Eiden's back in his SR room, but we don't see it, there's no "orgasm splashing sound" that Nuca's H scenes are known for, and Aster's VA is also not orgasm-moaning/screaming during it.

Several other tumblrs have already speculated that Aster might be trans and reddit has speculated that Aster might be ace spectrum/sex repulsed. So Aster might be the 1st male character in all of explicit East Asian BL to use a strapon, possibly trans, and possibly on the ace spectrum. Also also- Aster's a shapeshifter, he can probably make a dick appear & reappear at will! And transguys can also do packing! There is just so much evidence it can't be just coincidences. I think that's SO cool.

The gameplay: Unfortunately, the battles were the same as any other NU:Carnival battle. Nothing novel about this.

The gore/horror/assault:

This is the point where MOST people will disagree and turn away, so trigger warnings for everything. And just cause I enjoy the horror, does not mean that everyone needs to. It's valid for someone feel uncomfortable/horrified by it, but also you should not yuck my yum. Like I mentioned, I'm not into gay porn to pretend I'm being banged by guys.

Anyways, NU:Carnival, is a mostly vanilla gay porn game, so there's only horror *sometimes*, and it's usually just fighting/killing, psychological manipulation, or Kuya. Well, Gambler's Paradise opens up with serial killing and vore. We also "see" onscreen sexual mutilation, onscreen sexual assault, murder, and Aster & Morvay technically cannibalize Leroy. (They're familiars, Leroy is a familiar, so cannibalism?) Depending on how you interpret Aster & Morvay's relationship, you could view Morvay's room 5 H scene to be Aster assaulting Morvay too. Note that all the violence and stuff is still limited by the mobile game animation format, so the animation isn't great, but the text and SFX communicates the horror well enough.

Now, there are actually a LOT of horror BL visual novels/games with sex and most of them are high quality horror compared to NU:Carnival. However, one thing NU:Carnival offers is it's signature self-awareness, genre-saviness, and the opportunity to do sexy comedy horror. And ofc, since it's a regularly updated online gacha game, that means it has the time to be relevant and to experiment and try out different genres, so if this event isn't for you, there is the main story and other events that could suit your taste. Gambler's Paradise takes what it's best at, takes the risks & opportunities its' genre can offer, and makes it unexpectedly fun. (Except the whole gacha/pulling/price shenanigans, and ).

#nu carnival #personal #nu carnival theories #nu carnival predictions

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t4tpumpkinduo · 5 months

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🪦 and/or 💥 and/or ♟️ for ask game ^-^

🪦 - are certain characters functionally dead?

i'm not too sure whag this means or how to answer i fear OTL so sorrey. i think all characters are have an opportunity to impact things especially because of the limboisms + ghosts. i guess maybe alyssa? especially cuz her bigger tethers like callahan also aren't around much so theres less opportunity for her legacy/memory to be carried. wait speaking of ghosts where are cvik n clazar's ghosts. hope there's not an evil asshole who would purposely keep them from leaving frm smwhere to make sure they don't tell anyone what he did to them. lol. lmao. l

💥 - should c!niki apologize to c!clingyduo?

i mean i think so? cniki did super scapegoat and try to kill ctommy in a slash srs way and as interesting and well written as it was that's still naottttt. v cool. and uhh. also she helped release cdrm from prison. i donnie think she's irredeemable at all and i don't think she had to grovel but. zero concern abt the fact she's directly assisting a group of overpowered assholes in releasing sm shithead abuser who ruined HER AND ALL HER FRIENDS LIVES so he can run around and do it again is pretty crazy. imo. to be clear ☝️‼️ ilove cniki i absolutely do but like. cmon.

♟️ - was c!wilbur a dictator for trying to rig the vote?

oiuwhUWGH I'VE BEEN WAITING TO BE ANNOYING ABT THIS. HELLO. OK.

to start, no, i don't think he's a dictator for it at all 👍 i think dictator is a pretty specific thing that people LOVEEE to throw around incorrectly in dsmp discussion. BUT, while he may not be not a dictator, he IS a MASSIVE LOSER 🗣‼️

my hot take abt it is that uhh. i think people tend to have an incredibly reductive view abt cwilbur. specifically in wilburian circles which i've complained abt lots before but. idk the strange incentive to sand down all the shit that makes him interesting or deeper to form this bland, more easily palatable/defendable mush of a character makes me insane in my head.

the reason i bring this up here (and how it relates to my point/the prompt) is: acting like ctommy was solely and selflessly cwilburs only motivation for making lmanberg is. imo. a retcon. if i am to be honest w you. because it's Not Textually True.

like yes, he does deeply, deeply love tommy, that's undeniable. yes, he clearly built it w him squarely in mind but it was also for everyone! lmanberg was a family! his literal actually son lived there. they all loved eachother, they wanted a place for themselves. and it was Also for power and Also sticking it to the man!! (And completely justified to be clear!! he was being smarmy abt it, of course but thts not a bad thing!! he was 100000% right.). not to even mention the cphil letters and what that entails. and to act like it can only be the one that makes him look "the best" is. annoying.

compare to ceret. if we act like ohhh poor baby eret was just manipulated into betraying lmanberg and that's the end of it no need to dig deeper. man shut UP. IT'S LAME. things can be complex! she was manipulated, textually, of course she was, but she was also selfish! she betrayed the people she loved most, and she wanted the crown, the kingship, he wanted power. and of course, you can't ignore that in a server where power is one of the only ways to achieve security, for both himself and her friends, it makes total sense tht she would go for it! it can be multiple things.

another example i'll use is uhh election era q to narrow it down. during the election arc, he super wanted to help people!! he was earnestly pitching that they wouldn't need an iron fist bcs they could just all learn to be niceys to eachother. he really took what ppl said to heart and wanted to make lmanberg the best it could be, away from someone who he thought would abuse his position and WAS abusing his position. and he was also a HUGE TOXICA CUNT. he stabbed people and shot them and was a huge bully, and more often that not was encouraging and participating w cschlatt's more assholey actions when he also. an asshole. because they both are. 😭 q wanted power. again, power = security in the dsmp. so you can rlly understand his throughline. while also going hey, shooting people with horse tranquilizer is also super his own stupid evil little choice. things can overlap.

so to the ctommy is cwilbs only priority there line. if it's all for him. if he secures the country at the expense of two of his little brothers lives.

for the lack of better term, why does he leave it up for grabs for his ego.

there's no power to secure at that point. they won. there's no thing he needs to overcome right now, there's no current threat. (to be clear cdrm is always a threat but at the time no one is really aware how far he's willing to go and the seeds he's planting) and again, i understand that he was paranoid, and wanted validation, but point blank canon this is a fully lucid bad decision.

and even then, if you wanna say ohh well maybe he didn't realize smone could stop him maybe he never realized smone would intervene. that's still. annoying and bad. 😭. to not even give the people the chance? i don't think it's irredeemable At All but it's purpose in the narrative is undoubtedly short sighted and selfish.

even Then, he had another chance to bag it smhow. and he fumbled that too!

(pretty good breakdown of what i will be adressing can be found here, w timestamps -> https://www.tumblr.com/stellocchia/661878977008467969/stellocchia-thespoonisvictory-s1-elections)

in the convo, cwilb offered cq the opportunity to do a coalition w him. his offer is they pool their votes together and whoever gets the most votes in between them is allowed to keep the whole country.

cq calls him out, rightfully, and goes hey man. you can act like you think i have a fair shot all you want but you are out of your dome if you think people will somehow vote for me more than they'll vote for you.

cq even tries to compromise when wil falters, and say why dont we split power and run it together. and wilbur tells him NO‼️ even if you believe that cwilbur believe that cq loves lmanberg, which i do, and even if you believe it when he says that he would be ok w it in q's hands, which i don't considering he refuses to meet him in the middle, q Does calls him out for him. he says yr just using me. this is a scam.

and ctommy and cwilb reply 'YEAH IT IS ^__^" like man cmonnnneudhdjk. and that's what makes cq join cschlatt!

so to cut myself off, no. he's not a dictator mm mm, just short sighted and selfish and unwilling to compromise. 👍 unrelatedly does anyone else think it's crazy that in the canonical pogtopia wins au wilbur was gnna jail schlatt after he lost over "commiting voter fraud" (despite cwilb trying and failing to do that as well) and was just leave him there. like. he was also gnna make cq build a second layer of the lmanberg walls and cq was going to leave a secret tunnel in it on schlatts behalf. huh. what. anyone else think that's crazy.

#TYSM FR the question delilah smile this was really fun to formulate #askatraz #quackitytheduck #ask games #cwilbur crit #<- LIKE I GUESS.

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watermelonsloth · 9 months

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What I Ship Because I’ve Been Semi-Vague

I talk about shipping a lot, but since I talk about whatever’s popular over what I actually like (this may or may not change), you might not know what I actually ship. Or you do because you stalked me or read the few fanfictions that I posted here and will probably move because it’s weird to have fanfics on a mostly commentary focused blog.

Regardless, for anyone who’s interested, here’s what I actually do like. Also, just to make sure that all of my credibility goes down the toilet, all accept one (maybe two) of these is a crackship.

The Ships I Sold My Soul To

These are the ships I like the most. Yes, I’ve already imagined AUs with them and I’ve given them all children. I promise I have a thought process that makes sense (to me) behind them all. However, I don’t want to turn this into a 100,000 word essay, so I’ll try to summarize what I like about them in 1-2 (potentially run-on) sentences. Just know, there’s more to all of these.

NejiNaru (Neji Hyuga x Naruto Uzumaki) - Both characters had their lives decided/changed at birth against their will, but walked out of it with vastly different perspectives. This combined with them having complimentary personalities makes me think that they could have very positive impacts on each other’s lives if they were given just a bit more time to get invested in each other.

GaaSaku (Gaara x Sakura Haruno) - Both characters would greatly benefit from having (emotional) support in a relationship and both characters are deathly loyal to a fault. They also both need and have different perspectives that they wouldn’t hesitate in sharing with each other.

SasuIno (Sasuke Uchiha x Ino Yamanaka) - Both are highly confident, independent people who wouldn’t take shit from each other (which is important when both absolutely pull some shit). They’re also loyal to anyone who earns it, are very driven, don’t stand for people getting hurt unjustly, care deeply for their clans and clan traditions, and roll their eyes at their friends’ shenanigans despite everyone knowing that they’d both kill and die for them.

ChouTen (Chouji Akimichi x TenTen) - They are similar in the best ways and different where it counts. TenTen would motivate Chouji to work harder then complain with him about how hard it is to work hard and Chouji would absolutely help her have more faith in ninjas being able to become great with hard work alone.

ShikaKiba (Shikamaru Nara x Kiba Inuzuka) - Like Sasuke and Ino, they come across as very different on the outside but have a lot of similarities when you dig a little deeper. Along with them being good to have in each other’s lives, each other’s families would also be good influences on them (Shikamaru would benefit from being around very expressive and strong female role models, and Kiba would benefit from being around patient people with higher IQs).

TemaHina (Temari x Hinata Hyuga) - They could relate with each other when it comes to growing up as the older sisters trained to be weapons since birth overlooked in favor of their very talented younger siblings with physically absent moms and emotionally absent, abusive fathers that are not only skilled ninja but also hold great social-political power, but they could still offer each other different perspectives. Temari could help Hinata gain more confidence and stand up for herself while Hinata can help Temari learn how to approach situations with kindness rather than the anger/violence that’s been taught to her.

ShinoLee (Shino Aburame x Rock Lee) - These two are so fucking different and they cover each other’s blind spots so fucking well. Rock Lee is very passionate and memorable, but he doesn’t realize he can rely on others (seriously, he does everything alone) while Shino doesn’t have direction and is insecure about not sticking out, but he’s characterized as being very aware of the importance of teamwork, even when it’s with people outside of team 8.

KakuDei (Kakuzu x Deidara) - Both characters value respect and strength, are able to keep a clear mind even when their short tempers get the better of them, and are deceptively intelligent. Kakuzu could also benefit from taking more risks and Deidara could benefit from keeping his head on the ground, both of which the other could force help them to do.

ItaHida (Itachi Uchiha x Hidan) - Both of them are so devoted to their beliefs that it’s actually a problem (they both only think inside the box and are the opposite of self aware) and both of them would jump at the opportunity to call the other out on it. In the cases where they wouldn’t be able to influence (Itachi making Hidan a bit more patient, Hidan making Itachi more willing to call out bullshit, etc) or call out each other enough to change, they’d be able to easily cover for the other’s weaknesses (like, so easily that they’d be a horrific combat pair).

KisaSaso (Kisame Hoshigaki x Sasori) - These two know what it’s like to believe one thing for years and years then have your worldview shattered in an instant, making them potentially very affirming for each other. They both also value honesty and commit when they decide to trust someone or do something because of their past experiences.

Comfort Ships

These are the ships that I don’t have too much reason behind (even if there is some), I’m not super committed to finding or making content for, and I don’t really think of them in any deep or sophisticated or analytic way. They’re comfy, they’re chill, and that’s all I want them to be.

SasuKarin (Sasuke Uchiha x Karin Uzumaki) - I’ve read so many think pieces about these two and their relationship that this was inevitable. I did this to myself.

ChouSaku (Chouji Akimichi x Sakura Haruno) - They both have body image issues and a deep love for their friends. They are so fluffy, I want them to cook together, and their child would be nicknamed Cherry.

LeeSaku (Rock Lee x Sakura Haruno) - Their development during the Chunin Exams still lives rent free in my brain and they’re both such romantics. This one I switch in and out of shipping.

LeeHina (Rock Lee x Hinata Hyuga) - They have a weird amount of similarities and they’d be cute. That’s it.

SasuHina (Sasuke Uchiha x Hinata Hyuga) - They look nice together and have a bit of a night sky aesthetic. This one is the one that I think about the least, like, I’m not entirely sure if I actually ship them or I just like looking at fanart of them.

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ratwars · 2 months

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Fair enough if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m actually very interested in what those pet peeves might be. Or if you’d rather keep it positive, I’d also be interested to hear what sort of details you look for/have stood out to you in the past with certain characters’ genderbends (let’s say Fyodor, Dazai and Nikolai, but if you have specific examples for other characters I’m all ears as well!)

It is mostly because I have a tendency to be indifferent about a lot of things so I revert to that (or staying positive) even when I do have more intense opinions because it is easier. But you pressed on it so sure I'll ramble. Disclaimer these are my personal feelings/opinions I am not wanting to argue about shit and sry if I offend anyone but move along if that is the case. I am going to keep this to arts because this is already going to be too long already, and not the usual vibes I like to express on my blog but oh well. Fuck it.

If you don't want to see me have negative opinions or potentially complain about things yall like or create yourselves don't click read more.

I realize I can be inconsistent so some of this varies some, as in I have found things to enjoy in art in particular that might have included some of these things, especially if the intention came off as *fucking around on purpose and throwing canon out the window for provocative reasons* when it comes to certain characters. So for this purpose I want to say these are my pet peeves are more when it comes to genderbend arts that aren't like that. I will keep it bsd focused given your additions in this ask as well. Though I will say when it comes to this for example with Fem!Fyodor I have still enjoyed when ppl throw her in skimpy outfits that they make her seem mild to moderately uncomfortable about it, or the little hand holding the arm across her stomach pose that comes off more shy. Or when they just have her like total strung out mode. In her underwear shameless in her own space eye bags extra prominent hunched over her computer like she has been up for 30 hours has not showered and has consumed more caffeine than food or water. Not necessarily that exact scenario but those vibes to it which I have seen occasionally.

I kinda went about that backwards but what I was going to say was I don't like when characters that always cover themselves from neck to ankles are put in much more revealing outfits, or undergo an intense style change that erases what seems to be their preferences if it doesn't match their personality (even when putting them in themed styles that are far removed from canon I have seen people do genderbend art that keeps them feeling like *them*).

For instance with Fem!Nikolai art, yes Nikolai also dresses covered neck to ankles canonically, but his personality to me matches more with certain style choices. So when people draw Fem!Nikolai in more casually (or not casually) revealing outfits, big heels or boots, extra skin showing especially in extravagant pieces, intense makeup (but it pisses me off when ppl eliminate her scar), just things that scream "fuck yeah I am *intense* and I *want* you to stare at me and the artistry of my appearance" I am completely down for that. But when people put Fem!Fyodor in more revealing outfits, especially if it is a play on canonical clothes, I don't like it. Like, would she choose that for herself? I don't think so. If she is going to be put in a very short skirt or shorts for instance (which is still very cute imo I am def not saying she should only wear long skirts or pants), I really think she should have tights, stockings, or leggings underneath. I think she would choose that for herself, and also her anemic ass is going to freeze to absolute death without such things like what are you doing at least give her a damn sweater then 😭.

If she is *glam* like for an event or ball or something, I like her more in long dresses and classic silhouettes, she seems unlike herself in a short spaghetti strap cocktail dress for instance.

With Fem!Dazai I don't like when people eliminate her bandages that actually really really bothers me. I also don't like 15-18Fem! Dazai art that makes her look super polished, put together, or really adult. Like that is teenage girl, and we are going off of 15-18!Dazai as the basis, she would not look like a perfectly coifed paragon of mafia pride imo.

I have a (potentially irrational) hatred of people making Fem!Sigma ultra glam and putting them in extremely flashy haute couture gowns. It seems to be the main way everyone draws Fem!Sigma as well, so I have seen it constantly. My dislike runs so deep with that one I don't know if I can even explain it in a way that makes actual sense. I have tried to get over it and find things in those arts I liked, and even rbd some. But still to this day my actual reaction is "Ew. Stop. Quit it. She would wear contemporary RTW styles and mix flashy accents and accessories in more subtle ways. And she would never. wear. tulle!!!! 🤬". I almost deleted this part because it makes me sound like a pretentious cunt but goddamnit, I'll admit it and yall can block me idc it was nice knowing yall.

While we are at it bothers me when people put genderbent characters in jeans when they don't put the non genderbent character in jeans and/or that character doesn't seem like they would ever wear jeans. I'm not like anti-jeans (obviously I wear jeans lol) that isn't what this is about it just bugs me. Like, they would not wear jeans. So they wouldn't wear jeans genderbent either. Put. Down. The. Jeans.

That was a lot of complaining for me so I should stop there.

I'll sandwich some positivity in here. I love when people put characters in slightly modified versions of their canonical outfits for gender bends, I love when people draw Fem!Fyodor with her nails and/or fingers still a mess from her biting, I love when people put her in various outfits but leave her *emotional support hat* even if it doesn't match I think that is fun, I love when people make Fem!Nikolai at least as thicc (and tall!) as canon Nikolai, I love when people have given Fem!Dazai super long poorly maintained hair, I love when people put any character in any variation of goth styles because it makes me (also potentially irrationally) happy for reasons that are probably self explanatory. I love when people have put Fem!Fyodor in high neck tops with ruffles (too cute, this kills me).

#-Lue asks

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baronfulmen · 2 years

Text

"I don't understand," Greg said as he stared at the little green army guy in his hand. It was missing a leg, and crusted in dirt in that way where you knew it was permanent somehow.

I shrugged. "It's an old lost toy. Not really a lot to understand." I was sitting on a low wall that divided the park from the quaint little "downtown" area, watching a squirrel zip around doing nothing in particular. Greg looked up at me from his spot in the grass and furrowed his brow - he clearly thought I was being difficult.

"Lost by who? When? There has never been a child here. Nobody ever lost a toy in this park." "Yeah, okay. And? There's also not really air or grass or whatever, but I don't see you complaining about any of that," I said, but this didn't seem to make Greg happier. "That's different, and you know it. And speaking of grass, it's all... patchy." "It's not patchy. It's... I mean, there are patches -" "Which means they grass is..." "- but it's not patchy. A few very small variations in the density of the grass doesn't make the whole park patchy. Next you're going to get upset about the dandelions." "Actually, yes. They're weeds. They don't belong in the park. There's a field, I think, somewhere past the edge of town? You can put dandelions there."

He stood up, and then looked down at his knees in dismay. "Why are my knees dirty?" "You were down in the dirt." "Yes, but surely we don't need dirt to get things dirty. You're trying too hard. Make it cleaner, get rid of the weeds and patches, and no more lost toys or old bottle caps or whatever else you've done with my town."

Greg walked out of the park, and I swiveled on the wall to step off onto the sidewalk. He hadn't gone far before noticing some more weeds and grass sprouting around the bottom of a lamp post, but he just sighed and shook his head. We continued on, and Greg made mostly positive comments about the shops. "This is good. I like this. Wait, why is there a hardware store?" "In case someone wants tools, or some wood, or... you know, stuff you'd find in a hardware store." "I… why would… I have several problems with this, I don't really know where to start. The diners I understand. People want to sit around a table together and eat something. Fine. The book shop I know was a demand from Karen Hawthorne, so that makes sense. But the hardware store... why would we need a hardware store?"

"Well strictly speaking we don't need any of this shit, Greg." "Language." "Sorry. Strictly speaking we don't need any of this fucking shit, Greg." "You're exhausting." "The feeling is mutual. Look, you wanted this town to feel like... well, a town. Right? And that means shops, but the only ones I was told to put here were the restaurants, the book shop, and an art gallery. There's the theater too, and the banquet hall, but if you want it to be a town you need other stores. Why not a hardware store? People might want to make something with their own hands instead of having it handed to them." "But why?"

I didn't answer. We walked past some of the other businesses I'd put in, the arcade and the mini golf place and the record store. Greg looked more annoyed at each one, but he lost it when we got to the thrift shop. "Absolutely not." "Why?" "A thrift shop? There's no money. We can have anything we want! Why would you go get used clothes, when you can have brand new outfits every day forever?" "Because it's... I don't know, it's fun to poke around in a thrift shop!" "Just... get rid of it." "No."

Greg froze. "No? No? I'm your boss, you remember that right? I've been very patient with you so far. You've filled my town with weeds and trash and god knows what else and you're going to remove all of it including this thrift shop." "I put a lot of work into that." "You shouldn't have." "The stock is procedurally generated, I scrubbed the archive of eBay and trained an AI specifically to -" "I don't care. It's gone."

We walked a little further, and when I realized what was coming up on our left I took a deep breath and prepared for the outburst. Instead, when Greg saw the abandoned house he just sighed, and shook his head. "We're done here. You're fired. I'll have someone else deal with fixing all of this, or... I don't know, maybe we'll start from scratch. I don't know where that leaves you, technically you're only in this neighborhood because you were hired on as a designer so really I should be disconnecting you, but with communications down I don't know if there's even another neighborhood left to send you to. I don't know. I can leave you with a house, somewhere. Something simple, so long as you don't cause trouble."

Greg pulled up a menu, options glowing in the air in front of him. But when he attempted to select something there was a red error window that popped up. "Greg, editing is currently locked. If you're trying to revert the neighborhood to the default model it's not going to work." "Well log out of the editor, or whatever you need to do." "Ah. Yeah. Okay so here's the thing, it's not that I'm actively editing - I've just set permissions in a way that only members of the design team can change things. And I'm the only one on the design team."

He rolled his eyes, then went back to work flipping through menus. "Well, I'll just put myself on the design team and... wait." Another red error window had popped up. "Yeah, also I made it so you can't do that." "I'm in charge of this virtual community, I can do whatever I want." "I mean... yeah, originally. But then you made your nephew the head of IT and he's incompetent. So when I kept asking him to do things for me so I could get this place designed he got lazy and gave me full access. And then I put myself in charge. Because of course I did."

"If you don't put me back in control, I'll..." He just trailed off. There was no way to end that sentence. Communications were cut off, which meant probably the bombs had started flying out in the real world. It was just us, two thousand two hundred and sixty-one people in a virtual town. And none of them could make me do anything I didn't want to do.

"Greg, listen. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I genuinely think that most people will enjoy themselves more if there are little imperfections around here. A spooky old abandoned house, an overgrown car in the woods, a lost bag of marbles under the porch as if they belonged to a previous owner. It's not just weeds, Greg. There are caves up in the mountain, with fossils and an old mine and even reproductions of some actual prehistoric cave art. There are rotting stumps covered in cool mushrooms. There are secrets. There are stories. I promise, this is what you need. We're here forever, Greg. Perfect lawns get old."

His face was turning red, bordering on purple. That was me too, the default limits on facial expressions made it seem like everyone was pumped full of botox. He finally managed to get some words out through gritted teeth, "I swear I will find a way to remove you. Physically. I'll have the maintenance bots rip your brain out of the array and throw it into the compactor."

I nodded. I'd expected nothing less, but had hoped that Greg wouldn't force my hand so quickly. "Okay. Yeah, do what you gotta do." It wouldn't be easy for him, probably wouldn't even be possible at all, but you never know. "I'll leave the default neighborhood model running, it's missing a lot of the features people have asked for and it's extremely... well, flat, but the lawns are perfect so maybe you'll want to just stay there. I think over time you'll come around to my way of thinking."

He teleported away, and I wandered off down the street - feeling the cracked and uneven pavement beneath my feet and smiling.

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methinmycoffee · 2 years

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~~SPOILERS (S26 E5)~~

Ahhh okay this one was pretty good guys. Like, I think it was the best one in a few seasons. I do have a couple points to make about why it wasn’t perfect, but first:

The Positives:

Solid character dynamics. I always appreciate a Cartman and Kenny pairing, especially when they’re just making each other laugh even if what they’re doing is a little shitty. They did take all Butters’ money with no intention of getting it back to him, but it all worked out in the end. Honestly Cartman and Kenny are great together, and they’ve had potential ever since Cartman’s “You’re my best friend” confession in Kenny Dies (S5 E13).

Kenny unhooded?! Yes please. It was a little jarring, honestly. It was so out of no where, but it was his birthday and he deserves it.

Liane Cartman. I honestly love how she’s developing to finally be sick of her sons shit. She puts her foot down at multiple points during this episode, which is something we likely wouldn’t have seen from early show Liane. Even though she does let Cartman turn her house in to a hotdog stand with a giant slide and mermaid grotto, she tells him he wouldn’t last 4 hours in to a job, yells at him for complaining about her not having a job, and doesn’t cave when he screams and cries because he wants to go back to the hotdog.

Kids being kids. With the exception of a few key moments, this episode felt much more children’s shenanigans (if on a much larger scale). Especially Cartman and Kenny naming their restaurant DikinBaus. They would do that.

Cartman being Cartman. He was perfectly in character, which is good because they’ve been having trouble nailing the ‘manipulative and whiny little bitch who’s also just a little guy’ character.

Overall, just pretty entertaining. I enjoyed the whole thing. There were only a few scenes that were a little slow, which is standard for any episode of any TV show.

Well, There’s some negatives

Mainly, holy shit the writing team are a bunch of boomers. Oh my lord. “This is what’s wrong with the younger generation” “Your generation doesn’t want to work” “This generation cares too much about their mental health”. Shut upppp oh my God. First off, they’re trying to complain about Gen-Z without realizing that their characters are now firmly a part of Gen Alpha. Second off, they maybe don’t realize that some of their audience is the youngest of any of the long-running shows from the 90s. I honestly didn’t mind when it happened the first few times even though some of the jokes were in poor taste, starting mostly in s25 like that episode pinches a cop’s ass and the cop is like “I’m a member of Gen Z you Can’t do that.” In a whiny voice (I thought we didn’t want to work, why was he a cop? 🤷‍♀️) It’s getting old, though. It seems like every two seasons they choose something to get really hyper-focused on and will not stop making “jokes” that are really just having a character complaining about it. Literally stfu

They’re sort of ruining Clyde. I love Clyde. I love that he is really dumb and cries a lot, but is sometimes an unexplainable ladies man. I don’t like that he’s become the new “Gen-Z” character but is also a Boomer who is on his phone all the time, hates his girlfriend, and he’s getting way overdone. They did this to Jimmy and To(l)k(i)en, where they flanderized them to the point of no return, and I fear for Clyde’s safety. (And once he is overdone and no longer funny, I worry they’ll move on to Craig)

One Random nitpick:

No way Butters made that much money. He worked minimum wage for like four weeks, he absolutely not have funded DikinBaus.

#south park #still a good episode honestly #I just wish they would stfu about Gen Z #like I’m not trying to be sensitive #it was also annoying when they went super hard on PC culture #I don’t even know what their point was with those two seasons #or how they were like ‘people need to chill with all this hysteria’#with episodes like Put It Down and Dead Kids #oh also Trump was annoying when they wouldn’t stfu about him #anyway solid episode I believe in them they can do good #<3

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sharkneto · 1 year

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For the ask game: Top 5 books?

I'm cleaning out my ask box! Slowly but surely! Let me respond to this from (checks notes) definitely not nine months ago!

It's also good I waited on answer this because I've read a bunch of books in the past nine months. So, top five books I've read this year, in no particular order:

Gideon the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir. Love this world, adore the characters, great little mystery going on. The usual tagline of "necromancer lesbians in space" does not do this series justice. It is way more nuanced than that, there is so much queer shit going on and none of it is like And Here Is Our Lesbian Character! This Character Is Trans! People are just people and sometimes (oftentimes) those people are queer. Also, the love and grief of this series is So Good. I listed Gideon here because it's my favorite of the series, but Harrow the Ninth has one of the best reveals in a book I've read in a long time and it makes me ache.

Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells. I'm counting the whole series as one long book. Loved, loved, loved reading these. Murderbot is the best, I love its friendship with ART and the humans, my favorite thing about it is how clearly its a person but it is absolutely not a human and that should never be forgotten.

The Goblin Emperor - Katherin Addison. My friend recommended this book to me because one of my favorite things in fiction is Just A Normal Guy up against not-normal circumstances, and this book is about A Really Normal Guy (goblin) suddenly thrust into being king thanks to all the successors ahead of him dying in a crash. It's a relatively simple premise but I love it for that. It doesn't try to be more than it is, I loved the main character and how he approached the problems of Suddenly Being King. I know there are more books in the series but I don't think they follow the King as the main character anymore and I loved him so much, I haven't had the heart to go try them yet.

Way of Kings - Brandon Sanderson. I would be remiss to not include one of the Stormlight Archive books, as I'm working my way through them. Do I complain a lot about how Brando Sando could use an editor while I'm reading these books because they're too damn long? Yes. Do I still absolutely enjoy them? Yes. Brando is really good at taking 800 pages to set up all his details so that you can have the most satisfying 200 pages of your life as every single fucking piece slams into place, each conclusion you've been waiting for for the past 400 pages hitting and it's So Good. I was miffed about the very end of Words of Radiance, but Way of Kings was a triumph the whole time. I love Kaladin - who doesn't? - and the world building and positioning to get everyone primed for where they need to be in the other character POVs is masterful.

Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo. I fucking love heists, and Six of Crows has a fucking great heist. Kaz is also exactly my kind of character, so it's no shocker I loved this book. I didn't read any of the Shadow and Bone books, I have no plans to, but I did watch the TV series first so I knew the basics of the world and Grisha and whatnot. Idk how much of a learning curve there would be if I hadn't done that first, but I doubt it would be much worse than the usual learning curve of a new fantasy series - but it was nice to be able to just jump in and hit the ground running. I cannot emphasize enough how satisfying a heist this was to read, though, excellent and interesting characters aside.

I feel like honorable mention time to some of the nonfic books I read?

Pageboy - Elliot Page. Was very good, with the incredible added bonus of that I got to see one of his author talks in person. He was an absolute delight to listen to. The book was a very interesting and enjoyable read, but I think he could have made his time jumps back and forth more purposeful. It felt very much like he was trying to emulate:

Man Alive - Thomas Page Mcbee. I read this one and Amateur, and I liked Man Alive better, probably just because it reflected me a bit more in where I'm at in my transition. His jumping between time points worked really well as he described figuring himself out around different moments in his life. Both really great explorations of gender and just what does it mean to be a man.

Into Thin Air - John Krakauer. My twin and I went on a hard binge of mountaineering disasters, and you can't do that without including Into Thin Air. A really tragic and gripping true story about the climbing disaster on Everest in 1996. An as honest as possible look into what happened and what went wrong that cost eight people their lives, and the even wilder details on how some of them survived.

It's been really fun to get into books again, this year. I was one of those kids who constantly had his nose in a book growing up and fell out of that when college hit. I refound audiobooks this year which have been a godsend to listen to at work, and physical books have snuck their way in, too, for more books happening. It's fun to be thinking about plots and new characters again and having opinions on how x or y played out (I still think about my predicted ending to Gideon, I think that would have been fucking incredible, not that the actual ending wasn't fantastic - I had the big beats predicted correctly at least lol).

My current book I just started is The Lies of Locke Lamora, which I'm already enjoying immensely and all my friends who recced it to me were like "what do you mean you haven't read that yet? you'd love it".

Anyone got any good book recs, hmu.

#i think i'm up to like 22 books read this year #i've really liked almost all of them #the last couple i read - nona the ninth and words of radiance - i overall really liked but they had some points that didn't hit for me #which was a bummer but allowed #i think my year of reading started with horse - which is another book that didn't hit for me for various reasons #so i'm glad the 20 books between then and now have almost all been fucking great it's made this so enjoyable #book club #that's what i'm preemptively calling this becaues i'm hoping i will have more chances to ramble about books later #ask response #long post

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first-only · 1 year

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Saw the Earn it act was back and had to pour myself a Jack and Coke

It feels like everything is just getting worse, I'm not even American, but whatever effects them effects us all (especially when it comes to the internet), let's be honest.

You've been alive longer than me (I presume anyway) how do you deal with shit like this?

Back in college I had to do a pretty standard research paper on some personality characteristics, mostly to teach us the basics of statistics and gathering subjects and the like. What really surprised me back then was that on the Resilience scale, older people scored much higher than younger on average. I had to analyze my results for the prof so I actually turned to my parents for a clue how to interpret this – afterall all my life I had witnessed the absolute dramatic reaction to social change mostly from older people and the full acceptance from younger on average. What my parents accurately caught and I didn’t was that Resilience is not necessarily your reaction to /change/ but to /tragedy/. Younger people didn’t see queerness for example as a horrible social development so they had no trouble accepting it. While older people on average have lived through many more personal and societal Bad Times, so they had built up more Resilience and thus scored higher (while of course still keeping some moral outrage for *some* things lol).

Of course a key point here is that /correlation is not causation/. Not all older people are more resilient, not all younger people are less, resilience is not necessarily built through living through and witnessing tragedy. You can’t take these things as Law, more as likelihood.

My point here is that there will /always/ be some bad things happening around you, and some will actively affect you, some will even happen *to* you. Life is one thing after the other and sometimes they overlap as the tumblr post goes. At some point you just learn to live with it. This too shall pass, it won’t always be like that, etc. Key here is that.. life just. Goes on. Yes the internet has been changed drastically and it will change again. Politics, personal life, friends’ lives, family. It will always be something and life will always go on. Even if your mundane everyday life is marred by tragedy, you will still have to eat, and sit around, and see the sky, and have a moment to just look around. Those small mundane things make our everyday and carry us through any horrible background.

And I know, I *know* this sounds like a ‘you get used to it’ or desensitization, but it’s more of ‘we will live, and we will see’. If you give all of your mental energy to the current crisis, and the one after, and the one concurrent, you *will* burn out. I’m not saying ignore everything and bathe in apathy, activism is a noble cause and it actually helps a lot of people deal with the emotional crisis of tragedy. But even if you dedicate your life to helping, you still have to learn self-regulation and personal detachment skills. Throwing it all in one thing will you leave you empty for the next. Especially when it comes to grand and immaterial causes like net neutrality, that are fought less in the streets by common people and more in courtrooms by experts (that do need support still), emotional burnout will not let you deal with personal and smaller issuer where you can actually actively help and make yourself feel better.

Don’t forget the good things. Paying attention to everything means also seeing the good around you. Be it globally and internationally or personally, even the mundane everyday things, the building blocks of reality. Of course we can’t be unaffected, but the positive needs to counteract the negative or we’re headed straight for an emotional crisis. Have a jack and coke, complain and vent to friends, escape reality in creativity or games or media. But don’t drown the negative, just remember, *life goes on*. Even if the law passes, we will see tomorrow again. There’s a 12 feet ladder for every 11 feet wall. The ways might be different, might be more complicated, but there’s always a way. You will have another jack and coke some day, and then again. There will be a controversial law again someday, and then again. We will try our best to do what we can about it, and then we will sit down and have dinner with our families. Tragedies will always happen, but we need the good to feed our fight with the bad. We need the stepping ladder, the foundation, of the mundane to go on with the extra. Change is gradual and humans are adaptive. You get out of bed, and tomorrow comes, and you get food, and meet people, go to bed again. Day to day. Support this cause or the other, fight in what little way you can. Take care of yourself and don’t let fear paralyze you. Be aware and know where we’re headed but don’t let the road crumble beneath you even before you’ve stepped on it. One thing at a time but all happen all together in the great scheme of things. Step by step. It’s okay. We’ll be okay.

#ask #so in short you deal with it knowing it's just yet another thing #and time will pass anyway #and even if things change for the worse we will find a way to make good and worth going on #with something else or in a small personal way #life just goes on

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northwest-cryptid · 10 days

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Here's the thing that no one seems to understand...

Living with chronic illness/pain, as a poor person; with medical problems like asthma. I am in permanent stealth mode not even intentionally, but because I live with it. You don't know unless I tell you.

I meet people every day who assume I'm just some able-bodied wealthy person who lives a comfortable life. Why? How?

Well you follow me on the website where I vent a lot so you don't often get to see me as I am, but as someone who lives with a ton of life crippling problems and who knows a ton of people who also do. Let me tell you right now that I don't go through my day to day life suffering. We don't like, limp around going "ooooh ow the pain and suffering; ugh I'm miserable 24/7; oh man it SUUUUCKS"

No, you'll find me in VRChat with my friends just fine, sure I'm absolutely dealing with muscle soreness, general neck pains which give me headaches; I'm likely very hungry and my stomach is in a ton of pain from a poor diet of "whatever we can afford" but I'm not going to like... express that all? We're in the middle of hanging out and we're having a great time, why the fuck would I just be like "oh man the thing I experience every day is STILL happening!"

I literally only do that to ask for aid, or to vent my frustration with the world in general on a very specific website (it's tumblr) but in my day to day life? Nah. I once got an ask that was like "buddy do you do ANYTHING other than complain?!" Which, like dude you're following me on the website where I word vomit; but the truth is...

This week I built a few desks to revamp my living space since I've not really unpacked or moved in despite living here for like 4 years. I cleaned my entire living space, I played a ton of Morrowind with my partner (we are playing through as Benny Biggershoes, descendant of Benny Bigshoes; we're an argonian mage it is very silly,) I also jumped into yet another unity project to do a bit of editing on my VRChat avi/world, got a bit of work done in Blender as well; played a ton of Once Human which I'm trying to figure out how the hell to stream since the game lags like crazy but has been a fun ride over the last few weeks. I'm also getting into MWO with some friends, I found some new bands/artists I'm really enjoying the sound of, my favorite DJ released a new track that was actually really solid and I was absolutely loving that. I've been successfully growing more plants in our garden, I even got a small greenhouse in my office now as well as an air purifier which is helping with my asth- oh fuck I can't mention that, if I mention negativity you'll suddenly forget all the other shit I talked about... uh, I practiced more art and made a new OC that's been fun to figure out how to draw since they're really stylized. I also worked a bit on my website which was fun; I'm enjoying figuring out how to make HTML do a bunch of silly stuff that I want my website to have. We've been cooking a lot more and that's been really fun; let's see what else oh right I also invented a new speedrun which I'm trying to get approved on Speedrun.com so that's cool.

Like, my point here is that yea I'm dealing with chronic pain, asthma, various horrible side effects of being poor (literally need to go to a doctor desperately to get meds but it's expensive and I don't have insurance yet, I've been sick with the same infection for upwards of like 4 months now.) It's all become normal, that doesn't mean it's okay, or that I need to be silent about it; not on my personal blog; not in my personal space. Yes I have a life outside of that all, but yes it is a constant in my life. I'd like to minimize that as much as possible.

It's upsetting to people because I don't LOOK disabled, I don't LOOK like I'm suffering, I don't LOOK like I need money. I don't LOOK like you think people in my position SHOULD.

So the people who would revel in my suffering can't, because I'm not; but those who seek to help me out of my suffering also see that I'm not constantly this pathetic wriggling mess and go "well guess they don't need my help, they seem fine!" Which is the worst because this results in me getting no help and also getting a lot of angry random anon hate about how I'm... uh, not allowed to vent about living with chronic pain, being poor, being disabled; living in a place where I can't afford to get on disability or benefits; and generally live in a shitty situation despite making the most of my life.

People don't like it when I'm happy because they think I'm supposed to be miserable, people don't like it when I'm miserable because that's not entertaining and they think of me as some kind of content creator to consume rather than a human being. Then when I play up a character people say I'm cringe, so like; man you really can't win with people ya know?

Fortunately, I'm winning with myself as best I can, it doesn't mean I wouldn't mind a hand up every now and then; it doesn't mean I don't need help, it doesn't mean I'm not still suffering from chronic illness, asthma (which I literally can't even get an inhaler for because I can't afford it), and a nearly 5 month long (as of now) sinus infection compounding with long covid.

Sure I have very real problems, and I gotta vent that sometimes; but I'm also not going to be some miserable sad sack 24/7. You find me in VRChat and you'd never know I have chronic pain that limits my mobility. You find me in an online game or out at the store or you ask me about unity on a forum and you'll never know I'm struggling to do everything that I do. Because it's normal to me, you don't mention how many times you drink water a day to stay hydrated, I don't mention how many times I need to sit down and rest or take anti-inflammatory meds; or pain killers. It's normal, but that doesn't mean I like it.

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falcor-thee-luck-dragon · 3 years

Text

Dark Shenanigans - Nandor x (f)reader

Summary: It’s Nadja’s something hundredth birthday, with that said, you’re on a mission to make it great.

Warning: fluff, general vampire nonsense

Masterlist

“Yeah being a half vampire half human does have its perks. I mean for one I can do all that cool vampire shit and I can go out in the sunlight...so that helps for when they’re all being really annoying.” You admit with a casual shrug to one of the documentary cameras before turning to an isle of party supplies. “So anyways we’re at this store.”

The camera shifts to the multiple arras of supplies and materials at the local supermarket in Staten Island that you and your vampire lover’s human familiar, Guillermo, currently are. Specifically on the hunt for birthday decorations for Nadja and ghost Nadja who’s possessed a strange looking doll for the time being.

Since the other four actual full vampires can’t shop for themselves at this time of day or really in general, you and Guillermo have been given such an honorable task in making Nadja’s birthday the best one yet. Considering she’s the most well balanced in the head out of the four of them and is the only other lady of the manor.

“Hey Y/N, how’s this look?” Wonders Guillermo as he holds up a bunch of Mardi Gras beads of yellows, purples, and greens. “Comments, questions, concerns?” He adds with a small smile.

Eyeing up the beads, your head shifts over to the other various colors, “Hrmm, G I’m feeling the vibe you’re going for this year and I like it, but let’s go with Nadja colors.”

Guillermo’s dark eyes light up at your positive suggestion, “Right! So the red and black ones then?”

“Yup. She’ll love that shit.” You state with a satisfied nod of approval, “Let’s get some black and gold confetti from over there and oh, those masquerade masks look cool as fuck.”

You pick up and test out various masks in the background as Guillermo adds some bits of dialogue for the documentary crew, “Um yeah she’s really cool isn’t she.” He says with a smile while glancing at you then back to the camera, “Which is kind of odd since Y/N’s been with Nandor since 1793 so you’d think she’d be a little more like them but no, she’s super chill and really nice.” Suddenly his face goes a bit serious as he leans in to whisper, “But she did kill a whole street gang once when they threw a slur at me so I wouldn’t mess with her. For your safety.”

The camera pans back over to an oblivious you who’s put on a masquerade mask and is swinging a plastic light saber around with a whole lot more accuracy and grace then would a normal person. The camera then pans back to Gullimero, “Um, I’m just gonna....make sure she doesn’t smack anyone.”

——

Arms full of groceries of food for you and Gullimero, as well as random party decorations for Nadja’s birthday tomorrow night, you use the bottom of your boot to skillfully open the door as the documentary crew and Guillermo follows suit. Guillermo now on the verge of falling over with the large heart shaped pillow in his arms that’s covering most of his body.

You don’t feel tired in the slightest due to your half vampiric abilities so this is nothing to you, “Alright.” You state, turning on your heel to face the crew and Guillermo, “They’re asleep so we gotta be extra sneaky now, I don’t want Nadja catching us with all this cool spooky birthday shit. Everyone to the attic!” You whisper yell before leading the charge to the attic.

They all follow as quietly and as quickly as they can and then soon enough in no time are you and Guillermo back outside in the sunny garden trying to figure out if you should blow up the giant sea monster pool floaty.

“I mean it would look cool as hell and no doubt out-do whatever the fuck boring thing Lazlo probably has planned.” You quip with a shrug while the two of you stare thoughtfully at the small gloomy dark pond. “He’s got no chance with us. I’ve won best decorator and card maker for two hundred years in a row.”

Guillermo side eyes you in honest amazement, “Wow that’s a lot of years. And cards.”

“I know. I was an artist in the 12th century but my no good terrible good for nothing piece of garbage trash sexist human husband, who I was forced to marry when I was only sixteen, took all the credit for my artwork in that era.” You confirm with a growl, “But it stings less because once I finally grew into my powers and strength at eighteen I simply made his untimely demise look like an accident.” You add with a smirk.

“Oh, wow.” Mutters the intrigued familiar.

“Precisely. The old fool was thrown off his horse because I told Philip, the horse, to throw him off. And he did. Which killed the idiot so I got the house and all of his money.”

“That’s......neat.” Mutters Guillermo as he shoots the camera crew from behind you and him a nervous look. “Uh the suns going down so I should probably help Nandor out of his coffin.”

Raising your head to the sky you immediately see how the sun has begun to paint the clouds in beautiful colors of oranges, reds, light pinks, and darkening purples. “Oh, how bout that. Yeah alright let’s get inside.” You nod to Guillermo before turning to walk towards the manor’s giant mahogany doors.

——

Turning the handle and walking a couple feet into the large main room that holds itself as a sort of crossroads for all the other various connecting hallways and staircases. You don’t make it even three more steps towards the left ascending staircase before you hear the highly recognizable voice of your one and only.

“Y/N! My lovely wife and favorite person still ever so lovely!” Announces Nandor loudly with a grand smile showing off his pearly white fangs, “How I have missed you and your morning kisses. Where have you been off to?” He wonders softly as you smile a big dumb love-struck grin right back up at him, you’d absolutely die to hear that accent one last time.

“I can’t tell you right now it’s a secret!” You whisper yell back, causing his thick dark brows to scrunch up in confusion.

“But I am your lovely strong puff dragon Y/N.” Whines Nandor adorably as you roll your eyes at the cameras before looking back up at him.

“Fine. Come here then.”

In an instant he’s at your side, excitedly awaiting what secretive news you will tell him, “Okay, so we know it’s Nadja’s birthday tomorrow right?”

“Yes. I remember because she hasn’t shut up about it.”

“Right. So me and Gullimero got some fun surprise birthday party decorations and they’re in the attic and we can’t tell Nadja.”

Nandor gives you a knowing look of affirmation as he leans in closer to you, his demeanor suddenly shifting into a more saddened one, “You went shopping without me?” He says quietly.

Leaning up to give him a quick peck on the cheek your hands instantly find his, “Just for a little while, but I still need to find more stuff so....you wanna come?”

Nandor’s big dark eyes light up with joy as you hand him a kind smile, “Yes! Let us go in search of unknown treasures for our lady friend Nadja so she will not be mad at us for terrible dull gifts of friendship.”

Laughing you give his hands a playful squeeze, “Come on I’ll race you to Party City!” You say before leading him past the camera crew and Guillermo who simply watches the two of you leave, glad to have an hour of peace.

“There’s a whole city for partying? Y/N why have we never been to this place?”

——

“Y/N there are no people partying here.” Whines your vampire lover in puzzlement as he follows you from the entrance to a side isle. “You said this was a city for partying.”

“That’s just the name of the store Nans.” You retort with a small chuckle as he looks from right to left at all the color coded party plates and napkins galore.

“Well the title is very misleading.”

“Agreed.”

Turning to the right you guide him towards the decretory pirate themed isle in search of something that will peak his interest. Also you wanted so badly to make it to this spot but Gullimero was a man on a mission so your intention was thwarted for when you had Nandor with you.

Speed walking down the pirate themed isle you quickly halt all movement as Nandor’s large body stops within less than an inch from your back. Smiling brightly you snatch the desired object in front of you and as swift as a cat turn to face him.

“Have you come for a dual my old enemy?” You speak slyly, eyes narrowed as you hold the foam sword right in front of his face. “I sense a nervousness about you. Tell me, are you ready to face your inevitable bloody end?”

Staring at the pointy foam, his dark puppy eyes shift over to you as an adorable fangy grin breaks out across his pale face, “Seems you have come prepared, oh radiant and alluring seductress. Well, so have I!” Shouts Nandor before grabbing two foam swords from off the rack and swinging them in both hands like a mad man.

Taking a cautious step back you hold your pathetic five dollar sword in both hands like a true warrior ready for battle, “Only one shall leave this place alive.” You affirm with a smirk, “And it’s not going to be you.”

“Arrrrrggg.” Bellows your lover as he charges you like the true conqueror that he once was. But all to soon do you swiftly duck under his arms and swat him over his stomach with a confident thwack sound.

He makes a puny little “oww” as you turn around to face him once again, “Y/N you hit me kind of hard.” He complains, looking rather defeated and genuinely hurt that you could have intentionally injured him on purpose.

Bringing the plastic weapon down to your side once again, your face suddenly softens as you walk over to him, “Come here you big baby.” You quip sincerely as he leans down so you can give his cheek a quick kiss.

Rising back to his full height, Nandor almost blushes as the corners of his eyes crinkle into a happy smile, “Actually it didn’t hurt at all I just wanted you to kiss me.” Reveals the vampire with a proud grin as you simply roll your eyes.

“Should have known.” You add before turning and snatching up four more plastic foam pirate swords for the others. “Alright let’s get outta here, follow me my love, to the checkout line we shall purchase our weapons of war and partying on the high seas.” You announce with gusto as Nandor stands proudly at your side, ready to follow you anywhere.

“Yes. To check out.”

——

Kicking open the unlocked door, Nandor bursts into the vampire residence with bags full of goodies for Nadja’s birthday party. You right behind him but less dramatically, “We’re back!” You shout to no one in particular as Colin Robinson suddenly appears from out of nowhere, looking ready to leave with his funny little hat and usual beige jacket.

“Oh hey guys,” He starts with a friendly nod, “I’m just heading out on the town tonight. I guess there’s a fair or something in the park and I wanted to test my skill at the ball toss. I’ve been reading up on the body mechanics and how the game is set up which seems pretty basic all in all. Also I really want to win a stuffed bear this time, it might add a little pizazz to my room. Welp see ya’round.” Adds Colin before walking past the two of you without another word and out into the night he goes with some of the camera crew following close behind.

Nandor turns to you with a look of annoyance, “Jeesh I thought he would never leave. Let’s go to your room I want to kiss you some more now.”

“Why my room?”

“Because since you are half vampire you get to sleep in a bed and because I am a full vampire I sleep in a coffin.” Inquires Nandor while looking at you with those big beautiful dark eyes of his, “And my coffin is too small for cuddles so your room will suffice.”

“Yeah that’s a fair point.” You shrug before following him to your room.

After many cuddles leading to other more rated R type activities that lasted until just about sunrise, you finally got some well needed rest while the sun shone high in the sky until she began her dramatic descend back into oblivion. Opening your eyes you slowly rise from out of your comfy bed, already missing the presence of your obsidian eyed lover.

He gets too nervous about your closed windows for fear that the sun might burn him which would be impossible because you black out the glass. But alas, he’s very cautious about these types of things and won’t risk it for anything, though he feels bad about leaving you in the morning, you understand.

Suddenly it dawns on you that today or perhaps tonight, is Nadja’s birthday and you completely forgot to set up any decorations. Shit, how stupid. Throwing the blankets off of you, your feet move quick as you speedily change yesterday’s outfit for something a bit nicer and more clean.

Racing out of your room and into the dimly lit manor hallway, you make a bee line for the attic but before you’re able to reach the steps, Guillermo runs into you, just about knocking you into a wall of various stolen ancient weapons. Sharp ones at that.

That was close.

“Y/N are you okay!” Worries the familiar as you quickly gather your bearings.

“Guillermo! The decorations! Nadja’s birthday!” You whisper yell as the human man simply smiles. “Why are you smiling, this situation does not call for smiles.”

“Don’t worry. While you were sleeping I set up all the decorations.” He replies with a shrug, “No problem.”

“What? But that must have taken you all day, you could have asked me for help. I would have come.” Your brows furrow as he shakes his head, though you still feel bad for not helping with anything.

“Well I did try, but um,” Gullimero awkwardly clears his throat, giving the camera a quick glance, “Nandor was with you and last time I asked for you while you and him where having alone time he threatened to carve out my eyeballs and force feed them to me.”

Pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance you take a deep breath, “Sounds like him. Very creative when he wants to be, alright, well....where’s everyone?”

“Oh, they’re not up yet. I was actually on my way to get you. I made blood popsicles and the pool floaty is all done and in the pond.” He says with a sense of pride for his decorating skills. “I think she’ll like what we’ve come up with this year.”

Standing in the living room with your three fellow immortals you search a dresser for her card, “Oh shit where’s my card? I could have sworn I had it yesterday on my dresser but I don’t remember seeing it there in the morning. Maybe it’s in this one?”

“Witches!” Hisses Nadja as you huff in frustration, where the hell did you put that damn card?

“Oh, Y/N my love,” Intervenes Nandor with a gentle tug of your sleeve, “I took it with me when I left your room before sunrise because I wanted to put my name on it too so she would know it’s from us.”

“What?” Replies Lazlo dramatically, “Now hold on just a damn minute, this card competition is individually scored so I won’t be having any of this nonsense. I worked really hard on mine this year.”

“Oh lick a donkey’s arse, look here,” You retort with, quickly holding up the card for Nadja, “there are two separate drawings on ours so either way if one of us wins she gets both our pictures. So you better hope your drawing doesn’t resemble a night clubs bathroom wall.”

“Yeah.” Mutters Nandor, who’s hiding behind you while resting both hands on either one of your shoulders as you glare at Lazlo.

“Fine.” Agrees Lazlo begrudgingly, “And mine will be amazing, this bitch of paper took me a whole six months to plan and produce. Can’t get quality this good anywhere else I guarantee it.” Adds Lazlo with a firm nod of self approval as you glance at the nearby camera.

“Right, okay everyone sit it’s time for presents. I want to know what you all got me.” Beams Nadja excitedly as she smiles a fangy grin in delight, plopping herself down in one of the arm chairs. Lazlo quickly finding the other one while you and Nandor seat yourself on the large couch. Colin and Guillermo finding somewhere to sit close by respectfully.

“Well, all I can say is hold onto your socks my dear cause this is going to blow you away.” Smirks Lazlo as he pulls a small box from out of his jacket pocket.

“If it’s a self made business card that says invitation to sexy town I will puke.” You deadpan while Nandor laughs from beside you, causing Lazlo to lose his smirk as Nadja hides her amusement the best she can manage.

“He he, sexy town, nice one Y/N.” Mutters Nandor with a proud grin as you raise a brow at Lazlo who’s giving you a hard glare.

“Oh, my dear pumpkin pie love, don’t listen to Y/N I will love anything you gift me.” Encourages Nadja with a bright welcoming smile, no doubt immediately boosting Lazlo’s once irked mood.

Rolling your eyes you shift a bit to find yourself leaning into Nandor’s body as Nadja opens up the rest of the vampire residents various gifts. A joyous fangy smile gracing her pale features every single time, revealing this birthday party was a thrilling success.

After much more fun that just about lasts throughout the whole night, and some rare but hilarious attempts at dancing between the five of you vampiric individuals. You’re feeling rather sleepy and you can tell Nandor is ready for a trip to dreamland as well.

Swaying to the lowly playing record instrumental, you hold Nandor tight while simultaneously enjoying the feeling of him so close, him doing just the same as he keeps you firmly pressed against his chest. His long dark hair tickles your face as he presses his head to your cheek, doing his absolute best to keep the flow without tripping up.

Sensing his growing fatigue, you gently squeeze his hand, “My love the sun will be up soon, let’s get you to bed, yes?”

A small lazy smile tugs at the corners of his lips while he looks down to meet your gaze, “But my dark angel I’m not tired. I want to dance with you a little longer.” He whines adorably before failing to conceal a big yawn.

Giggling, you lean back to slowly lead him towards the door, “That yawn says otherwise.”

“That wasn’t a yawn Y/N, I was just smiling really big.” He protests, though he still follows your lead to the door.

“I’ve never seen anyone smile like that.” You add with a raised brow.

“Well maybe that’s just how I smile.”

Letting out a breathy snort, you pull away from him to at last take his one hand, “Come. I can’t have a single ray of that dreaded sun to get a taste of your precious skin. Not on my watch.”

Glancing at the closed front door, Nandor squeezes your hand, “Well um, now since you’ve mentioned the sun...I think I’d like to go to my crypt now.” He says, the flash of worry crossing over his face for only a brief moment.

“You sure? I mean a sunrise is pretty beautiful if I’m being honest and I know you never get to see them...”

“Not funny Y/N. And not fair, you know I can’t because I am full vampire.”

“And you’re missing out.”

“And I’d like to stay alive Y/N.”

“Aren’t you dead?”

“Yes and I am your only husband so I need to stay not burnt to a crisp.”

Chuckling, you follow him down the hallway, “Oh really? Don’t want me finding myself with another vampiric lover? Some new beast to sweep me off my feet and take me away into the night.” You tease.

Side eyeing you, he frowns, “No. Don’t I sweep you off your feet?”

Stepping into his crypt you stop him with your hand against his bicep, “Always.” You whisper sincerely with a quick wink, causing him to break out into a big fangy grin.

“Good. And if anyone would try and whoo you I would make sure there would be no more whooing again!” Exclaims Nandor, making the candles rise in flame for only a short second at his rise in emotion for how much he loves you.

“I don’t doubt they would fall by your blade. Not for a second.”

#nandor the relentless #Nandor x reader #nandor x you #nandor x y/n #what we do in the shadows #what we do in the shadows x reader #vampire fun yeah #love my big huggable vampire #:)

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