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#do not PRETEND to care!!! just fucking tell me you don't care it's not that hard!!!
duffslut · 3 days
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Jealous girl
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Slash x Reader
My Masterlist.
Word Count: 505
Warnings: Angst/Smut! Minors Dni.
Taglist: @guns-n-roses-gal @a4tumnvenice @used-to-love-her-06 @changbinsdummythiccahrms @guitarsfan @em-21 @their80smichelle @svrgs-blog @rocketttqueennn @wiifitboard @unknownperson246 @fxcethestrange @lovergirl4slash @rottoneggs01 @metallical0ver @brunette-barbie4562 @appetiteforattitude @prettypersuasionn @gyaas @nenynra @brezeblog @damianodavds @ch3rry-earrings @1-800-meth-blog @hauntedrosie @inkieink @blinca @rocketqueen1989x @rafesgirl7 @thatsoversace @maverickman5k @metallicaloverrr @xoxytoxinx
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You were having a jealous fit again. You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw that bitch sitting on your boyfriend's lap, pretending to interview him when in reality she was blatantly hitting on him. And worst of all: SLASH WAS FUCKING ENJOYING IT.
The carefree smile on his lips made your blood boil, why the fuck was he acting like he didn't have a girlfriend? You turned off the TV and threw the remote away.
Slash only arrived home hours later, and your head hurt from how angry you were with him. You were already in bed, with your arms crossed and tapping your feet nervously.
- Hey honey. - He said giving you a kiss, you didn't move.
- What's wrong? - He asked, his body was sweaty, he took off his shirt and wiped his belly.
- Did you fuck her? - You asked, looking him deep in the eyes.
A look of terror formed on his face, but only for a millisecond.
- If I fucked who? - He said mockingly.
You hated his answer, you hated the fact that he knew exactly who you were talking about and just decided to play with your feelings. You got out of bed completely out of your mind, distraught, running towards him with your fists ready to punch him in the stomach but your efforts to hurt him just didn't seem to affect him at all, you punched his chest as tears of anger rolled down your cheeks.
- Why do you do this to me!? - You asked between sobs, tired of trying for nothing and just resting your face on his chest, feeling his hand stroking your hair.
- You'll get over it. - He said, you felt your heart ache, he didn't even care about thinking of an excuse anymore.
- No! - You exclaimed, trying to get away from him by pushing him, but he held you back.
- Shut up! - He screamed, and your body shook in fright. - You're acting like a fucking brat!
You looked at him scared, now he was the one who was angry, and you were completely helpless being held by his arms.
- No one else will love you better than I do Y/n. - Slash said softly, sliding his fingers down your face and squeezing your cheeks, forcing a pout for him to kiss you.
You were breathing heavily and tried to pull away when he kissed you, but his fingers hold on your cheeks so tight that all you could do was groan in pain, his tongue slid into your mouth roughly and his lips sucked yours. Your tears kept streaming down your face and Slash used his thumb to wipe them away.
- Don't make a scene, doll. - Slash whispered, moving his hand down to your panties.
- No, I don't want to! - You exclaimed when his fingers touched your pussy.
- I think you do. - Your body twitched at his sudden touch, you were wet, your mind was telling you to stop him, grab your things and leave him, but your body couldn't help but surrender to him.
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icequeenlila · 2 days
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Context: They're walking back to their shared dorm.
"Don't you worry what people think when they see you with me?"
This time the pull inside his gut wasn't as bad, still Bradley couldn't find it in himself to look at Max.
"You know", Max said. "I'm amazed every time I remember you managed to make an entire campus believe you're this untouchable ego-king." He cocked his head, looking at Bradley with caring eyes. "When in reality, you have pretty much no self-esteem."
Bradley kicked a pebble on the floor.
"If you only ever interact with people on a shallow basis, it's pretty easy to pretend", Bradley said with a shrug. "And before you, the only person I ever actually talked to was Tank."
"Well, then I consider myself honored to be one of the few people allowed to see your real self", Max said and the smile on his lips was so fond that it left no doubt he actually meant it.
Bradley didn’t deserve him.
"And to put your mind to rest," Max said, his thumb running along Bradley's palm again, sending shivers through his traitorous body. "If it was possible I'd let the whole world know that I am dating Bradley Uppercrust the third, and that I'm so, so very happy about the fact."
Bradley felt that fragile thing inside his chest again. His cheeks burned and he didn't try to hide it. There was a lump building in his throat, and Bradley swallowed it down. If it was just Max, maybe he'd let his emotions run free, but there was just no way he'd let a single tear slip when he was outside, in bright daylight.
"I'm very happy too", he said and his voice was barely audible even to his own ears.
Max’ smile was booming. He looked at Bradley like he was the most precious thing he'd ever seen.
The thought alone made his heart swell with unbearable warmth. The thought that Braldey might be precious to Max.
"Wait", Max said, eyes growing big. "I have an idea."
He abruptly stopped on the sidewalk, almost making a guy on a skateboard bump into them.
"Yo, watch your step!"
Max completely ignored him, instead looking at Bradley with wide eyes and a smile that told him he was up to no good.
"Max?", he asked, his voice wary.
"Two flies with one strike", Max blurted.
"What?"
"You're worried people will judge me for being with you, and you're scared people will realize you're a complete softie for me."
Bradley frowned. "Well, I wouldn't say it like that- "
"I'll proof to you that I don't give a fuck about what people think and draw all attention from you." 
Max sounded more than excited now. Bradley was surprised he didn't see a tail wagging behind his back.
"Goof, I have no idea what you’re talking about", Bradley said, crossing his arms.
Max's smile only grew.
"See those people?", he asked.
They were close to the dorms now. There weren't as many people here as there had been by the main building, but it was the middle of the day and most students were on their way to lectures.
"I do", Bradley said, still lost on what Max was trying to tell him. "What about them?"
There was now a full-on grin on Max' face. "People won't even think of painting you the love-sick one when they see that I'm far worse."
"Wha- "
But it clicked.
If possible, Max’ grin grew even wider.
"Goof", Bradley warned. "Don't do something you'll regre- "
"Hey, everyone!", Max yelled, spinning around with his arms spread wide open.
Pretty much everyone within earshot turned at the sound of his booming voice. He was their golden boy after all.
"Max!", Bradley hissed, hiding half of his face behind one hand.
People even stopped on both sides of the sidewalk to listen to what Max had to say, smiles on their lips and curiosity in their eyes.
"I'm dating Bradley Uppercrust!", Max yelled and Bradley's heart did a painful jump inside his chest. "I'm down bad and I'm super happy!"
People's eyes went wide, a universal murmur filling the campus street.
"No", Braldey said, turning on his heel and power walking away from him.
He felt his heart thundering inside his chest, a mix of adrenalin and euphoria setting his insides alight. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening.
He heard Max laughing behind him, and then warm fingers wrapped around his wrist.
"Wait for me, Brad!", he called, giggling. "People will think I'm a liar."
"What are you doing!?", he hissed, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from rising.
"Telling everyone how down-bad for you I am", Max answered with the sun in his eyes.
"People will talk!" There was a quiver in his voice, he only barely contained the laughter bubbling up his chest.
"I sure hope they will", Max said, a giddy chuckle in his voice.
"You're mad", Bradley scolded, but no matter how hard he tried to contain it, he couldn't keep the giggle from his voice.
"Only because I wanna kiss you so bad right now", Max said with a dopey grin, his fingers pressing down around Bradley's hand.
Bradley blushed, almost stumbling as they walked towards the nearing dorms in hurried steps.
"You can kiss me all you want once we're back home again", Bradley said, almost feeling ashamed at his own boldness.
But no shame could fester inside his chest when Max looked at him like that. His warm brown eyes widened in surprise, his pupils slightly blown at Bradley's promise.
"Hurry up or I'll carry you", Max said, pulling Bradley along.
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From chapter 10 of 'Good Luck, Babe!' on ao3.
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queeraliensposts · 7 months
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I can't believe I live in a reality where a white woman who was falsely accused of rape can sell BLM merch, keep the money, and be praised by tik tok, but a queer musician that everyone thinks is "cringe" gets canceled and accused "profiting from a child's death" by talking about Nex Benedict in a tik tok he earned $0 from, where all he said was "this is why I make the music that I do".
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angorwhosebabyisthis · 6 months
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[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]
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"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.
Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.
I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.
#sdmi#scooby doo: mystery incorporated#pericky#ricky owens#professor pericles#anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die#i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did#the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲#which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late#ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world#(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore')#(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all')#and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao)#and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong#his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE.#pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together#'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood'#that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more#and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all#ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally#....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him#he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control#there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore#it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much#(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth)#(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind)#whosebaby makes things#whosebaby writes#SDMItag#dyn: when i die i want you to die too
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zevranunderstander · 10 months
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god i will be so mean but people who are really smug about how pathologic 1 is so much better than pathologic 2, and how hbomberguy's video on the games sucks, because he says that they are hard, and stuff and then just play the game with a guide and know what to do every day in advance and just play it for the plot (no shame in that by itself), but who then refuse to engage with the actual central conflict of survival, and not being able to save everyone, because they have like 5 schmowders hoarded by day 6 because they want to play the game as good as one can, without acknowledging that pathologic's intended experience is not to be played as omnicient and as good as one can, and then are mad that the story in 2 isn't as complex, because they aren't engaging with half of the game's experience, are soooo annoying god bless.
#myposts#pathologic#like. someone just said something like 'hbomb was so annoying for pretending the child murder dilemma is hard'#when it is? like you just played this game once as the bachelor#and you just start out and realize that you are fucked immediately#and then someone tells you you can kill a child and get a gun#and that sounds good like if you dont have a guide or played the game before#(aka the intended experience) you will not know if there will be ways to get a gun again later#the whole point of the games is to examine if you would try to be a good person if it would cost you everything#so a person is not stupid for earnestly thinking about if the gun is a good tradeoff for killing a child#like. i think there is this general consensus that people want to play a game 'correctly'#but dont understand that the intended experience for patho is not to play the game 'correctly'#because that means just reading a guide instead of actually trying to engage in the survival aspects of the game#like the take was so stupid to me like. 'it's so dumb that he said that because you can also play the game easier if you dont do it :/'#like im sorry but some patho 1 fans are so elitist about the games and THEN dont even play them correctly#like i dont care if people savescum or play with a guide and want to save everyone#but if you do that and then are smug about people engaging with the intended experience#i have to laugh u know#and like the person im vagueing abt was like 'yeah if you paid attention you would know you don't have to do that'#well video games are kind of an interactive medium so people have different experiences and maybe even talk to different people#or perhaps see different dialogue? u know
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delicatetaysversion · 5 months
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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running-in-the-dark · 9 months
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today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)
I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).
first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.
when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!
#like I know alllll about her other friends and their shitty behaviour#and just. it's exhausting#it's also exhausting telling her over and over again that she is too nice. yes being nice is good and all but she lets people walk all over#her and afterwards she goes 'oh well I guess it was probably just because [they had a bad day/other thing that happened/I said the wrong#thing]'. I do that too! but it's just EVERYTHING. always. even when someone is CLEARLY being shitty to her. like her shitty friends. she#will still excuse their behaviour#it just makes me sad man.#buuut#like come on maybe let me talk about my stupid tv show for 5 minutes and try to seem a little interested? I know it's irrelevant I know no#one cares but damn you really can't pretend?? I've mentioned it before a couple times on the phone and she's always just vaguely like 'ah#that sounds interesting' WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT'S ABOUT. but she doesn't ask what it's about so. I just stop#talking about it and we change topics.#like. yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm in my 30s and that is one of the most important things in my life rn but. that's how I am. it's#always been that way. and my other friends care (or at least pretend to because they care about *me*)#so it feels pretty shitty!#like if I can look at 15 pictures of how big her fucking plants and herbs are getting. idk maybe ask one question about my show.#or like. even things like our new apartment and stuff. she listened and everything. but it's just. there's no interest there really. just#live 'oh that's nice :)' and we move on to the next topic again#idk man it makes me a bit sad (and I know it's ironic because I say she needs to acknowledge that people don't treat her well but. I mean I#do know this isn't great. and I limit my communication with her to a level that doesn't feel too exhausting. so. idk I feel like it's#different or whatever. buut really I just don't have many friends and I get lonely and it's better to listen to someone talk about#themselves all the time than not talking at all)#okay I'm gonna shut up now#and anyway I'm just exhausted and it's all very fresh rn and I'm incredibly tired so I'm very grumpy. usually it's really not that bad.#I just needed to vent I guess#okay bye and goodnight and I will stop talking now I swear#personal
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marypsue · 2 years
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me, encountering a photoshoot of or interview with an actor who plays a fictional character I am Not Normal about, out of costume and character and living their life as an actor, unexpectedly and abruptly reminding me that the fictional character does not in fact exist or have a life or interiority and is in fact portrayed by a Real Fucking Person who does exist and has thoughts and goals and dreams and a whole life entirely unrelated to that nonexistent fictional character, and could hypothetically stumble across my Being Not Normal On The Internet about one of many characters they pretended to be in exchange for a paycheque: ah lads not again
#yes I am aware that some actors do get as attached to (some of) their characters and flesh them out the same way I might#but also like. how fucking weird must it be to just be doing a job for a paycheque#a job you probably like! but still a job. and like. a role you have no particular attachment to you're just reading the lines they gave you#and some rando comes along with all these like. ~deep insights into the psyche of~ this made-up guy with your face#and all of those ~deep insights~ are equally made up#anyway I Know know that it's all just an elaborate game of pretend but sometimes. sometimes the real world intrudes unexpectedly#and sometimes you find out the actor's been reading fanfiction of his character smoochin' with another character#and could hypothetically have stumbled across your fervent and slightly feverish treatise on how that character likes to fuck#there is. a reason why we don't tell the people involved in making the canon about the fanfiction lol#to be clear. this dose of reality is not a bad thing. just makes it. extremely fuckin weird to think about the character for a bit.#yes i Know the character is not real and the actor is not the character. at all times.#but the reminder that the actor and I share a reality and they could hypothetically see me caring WAY too much about something they made?#unconscionable. when I am vampire witch queen of the universe actors will have to live in a pocket dimension where they can't get internet.#and can live their lives in blissful ignorance of the weird shit I want to write about nonexistent people who have their faces.
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menlove · 2 years
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Every single “rape and revenge movie” is about a woman getting revenge on men by raping and killing them, so why is it that when irl a male abuse victim writes about similar fictional fantasies against his abuser, it is treated as actual crime for him?
anyway this me and the girls when johnny depp dies brutally
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carbonateddelusion · 2 years
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sibling looked at my discord profile pic (which, for refence, is this)
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and said "who is that. is that a black chick" as if I haven't already specifically told bun who it is like twice before now. I WONDER if it's the CHARACTER EXPLICITLY NAMED IN MY TAG
you know. "#2 Isaac enjoyer". I wonder if the character that is my profile picture is the character specifically named in my user.
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idsb · 2 years
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anyways. moral conundrum in the tags and opinions in my ask box are welcome. I love you all and you've been so helpful getting me through things in the past and I just. yikers I've been stuck on this one for months
#so. we all know about My Br*ther and The Television Show#and like. so for those who don't know this bit I've cut my entire immediate family out#I do not speak to them and cannot bear to cause like.#you know. I cannot be around people who love my lifelong abuser who is unapologetic about it.#I cannot.#I tried for a while but the show - and my dad proudly calling me on the phone to tell me my brother was on the show#just pushed me over the edge. I cannot be close with anybody who perceives him in a positive light.#I can't be around anyone who's friends with or sees a good in The Guitarist for what he did to me#why is my family any different when they're forgiving someone who made me suicidal every day for like a decade?????#I don't care that he's their son I just don't and it makes me uncomfortable.#but anyways the thing is#my mother is the fucking anti-christ but my father didn't do anything but love his son and be emotionally unintelligent#and he doesn't get it#I told him multiple times that my brother was dead to me and I wanted nothing to do with him and never to hear about him and he just.#ignored it so many times. told me he opened an art gallery told me he bought a Tesla told me he was on The Show#all pretending he was 'warning me' but there was no need to warn me about anything I wouldn't have known if he never told me#he just subconsciously was proud of his kid and wanted to tell me#and every few months he Venmo's me money with the caption 'call me please'#bc I have his number blocked and that's the only way he can say something to me#and I feel like. idk. returning the money is too thick a line in the sand#but I simply cannot have someone who loves my brother in my life I just can't#and I also feel guilty taking the money so it just sits there in my account#I don't know what to fucking do I don't know at all#about the money or the situation#I just feel so fucking guilty cause he didn't really DO anything but I just can't.#it like. is that deep that you have the capacity to love this person who made every moment of my life a nightmare#and he's also defensive as FUCK and has anger management issues so I cannot possibly explain this to him#bc he doesn't have the bandwidth to do anything productive with it#so I just waste away getting all-consumed by guilt even though I know interacting with him and keeping this wound half-open is worse#so I just. ugh
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I'm just..very sad and pathetic today. Sad and pathetic hours.
#Angry rambling in the tags. Read at your own risk.#Also recreating 2014 tumblr hours apparently#All very fruitless ofc#I'm actually glad we have collectively decided to ignore each other's depressive episodes this has done more to boost mental health than#any online mental health apps#I don't want attention from anonymous people I want attention from people who are literally sitting beside me who didn't even wish me#Yeah it's my birthday and they didn't even wish me#I am SO awkward about birthdays but I wish Them.#I even do the whole song and dance. Cake and all.#And they can't even wish me and indulge in that momentary awkwardness with me#I knew even as a child that adulthood is going to be lonely but no one tells you it is lonely AND suffocating#I'm not even asking for much?#It's okay if there isn't love but this is a courtesy issue. we live in a society and all that#They could at least /pretend/ to care. even that would be enough#Maybe I should buy myself an entire cake. and eat it. alone#<- obviously I'm not doing that but what if. what if.#This isn't even the first year they forgot lol. They just keeping giving lesser and lesser fucks#A part of me is cringing even as I write this but you know what. our predecessors were on to something with the anonymous rants.#Very cathartic. This could be a draft and it'll still be cathartic.#Tomorrow I'm going to wake up late and take a day off and cry a lot. and get myself a cake. and one of those double chocolate chip cookies.#It'll be a celebration
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moongothic · 2 years
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I wish AI image creators (and pro-AI image people in general) understood was that there is, in fact, a fundamental difference between artists referencing each others work and a computer (re)generating an image
And that’s respecting the time and dedication that went into creating the piece being referenced to begin with
If an artist uses someone else’s work as inspiration for their own, they have to recreate it from scratch. You can use the composition of a piece, but you still have to draw the whole thing all over again. You can color pick a palette but the shading you have to do on your own. You can study the way someone draws immaculate, fine details, but you still draw every single line with your own hand. And doing all that work makes the person look at what the original artist had done, understand how they made their art, what it took to make it, and learn to respect their effort and dedication even more.
Hell, even if someone traces over another person’s work, without consent and refuses to admit to it (which generally speaking is a dick fucking move), even then the tracer will deep down know the limit of their skills and see what the original artist can do but they can’t (yet).
And these are all things that neither a computer or the person feeding a prompt into the computer will ever do.
AI image creators will never put in the same work and effort to “create” something, and thus they will never understand what it takes for an artist to draw or paint something from scratch.
You told a machine to make a dish, the machine makes a dish based on approximations of what goes into it based on what chefs put into their dishes, and you claim to be the chef that cooked it.
AI images and their creators are inherently disrespectful.
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depresseddepot · 2 years
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It's struggle through autism symptoms hours
#being dx as an adult really is just a coin toss of ''will i be okay today or will i be existentially and emotionally ruined''#was thinking about touch and how much i dislike it and it finally sort of settled home that like#i will not be living the life i imagined#i imagined one day i will be okay being single and unnattractive and i will care for myself#how am i supposed to be hopeless romantic and touch repulsed#how can i ever EVER even slightly hope to find someone who will be into me. like. lmfao it is a cruel joke#i am fat and unattractive. i am asexual and touch repulsed. i have autism and adhd and am completely unmedicated.#my own mother is too embarrassed by me to accept these things let alone not be ashamed of them#i can look past the visual and personality shit. like yeah whatever lets pretend someone is into me.#i do not want to have sex. i do not want to be touched. i do not want to kiss or be lovey dovey.#and i realize what's left is just literally ''a friend'' but what about all this fucking romantic yearning i seem to be full of#idk. i know the answer to this im just trying to ignore it i guess#all this escapism and yearning and dreaming is just to pretend that one day i will be a different person living a different life#but i want to live with someone. i want someone to sleep in my bed. i want someone to wake up and make breakfast with#i want someone who cares about me to be in the house when i get excited about something and need to tell someone#i don't want to be alone#i want to be near someone who makes me feel like i'm not a freak. someone who doesn't ever give me That Look#if ur autistic you know the look im talking about. the confusion the irritation the ridiculousness of it#i want to feel like i will always be someone's first choice. i want to know what it's like to trust someone with every part of me#and it will never happen because i cannot stand to be fucking touched#if i was just asexual i could manage. but i cannot touch#does this get better? will this improve if i meet someone i trust? i want to die#the only (ONLY) thing i think i can even remotely provide is creativity#and im good at it. i can write well and i have good ideas amd i know generally what im doing#but with school and work i just do not have the time to work on my wips#and i don't know how long i can fucking take it#i am doing nothing. i am giving nothing and taking so so fucking much#i know i don't have to work to deserve to live but jesus christ. what am i fucking doing#i don't have time but its the only thing i have to live for and i don't know how much longer i can live like this#vent
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flowers-by-the-bed · 2 years
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And I'm sick of being the only person who puts effort into some of my friendships too. No one seems to actually care for me the same amount that I do for them, it's a joke.
I'm tired of being the "therapist friend" for people that make no effort to try and understand me back, or even just check in, knowing that I'm not a big talker. This is the whole reason I've ended up this way. It's pointless trying to rely on other people. I'm angry and hurt and ugh.
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beachboysnatural · 2 years
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#the thing is my mom carries so much pain inside her and i love her so much and she is wonderful#but at the same time there are things that i genuinely don't know if i can forgive. but she acts like there isn't anything#TO forgive which makes it worse#and whenever i bring anything up she doesn't change her behavior because she cannot recognize it when she's wrong about something#but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests#but it really sucks that she makes it so obvious#like can't she pretend to be interested in what i want to tell her?? for once??#you'd think fifteen-plus years of her pretending i was perfectly okay would merit some infodumping on my part#it's just that she's never apologized for not doing anything to help me she's just made excuses and said 'well sorry but'#and that's not enough but at this point i'm not going to GET a genuine apology out of her#or out of my dad he isn't exempt from this!#like i'm scared to ask my dad if he's seen a movie i think he'd be interested in because i don't want to set her off#or deal with her disapproval. and she just doesn't care about my special interests at all#which i get but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care that they make me happy either#like pretending that i'm not autistic now that i have shit figured out doesn't make it go away#it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers#this is why it means so much to me that you guys like when i infodump about old hollywood because no one else does#except my sister obvi but she does not live with me so#<333333#persannal
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