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daydreaming-away-reality · 3 years

Text

Catching Stardust

Tadashi Hamada x Reader | ☁️ + ✨ | 3.9k

Most days, like any other university student, you would wake up tired. Unfortunately for you, that was not today. You had spent the entire night working on your lab report for one of your science courses and didn’t get a wink of sleep. At least it was handed in and done with.

(You had to double check - just in case your brain decided to get desperate and help you imagine the best case scenarios. Thinking and doing were two very different things, they were hard to tell apart when you were so dead tired though.)

It was one of those days.

“Morning, Honey Lemon,” you greeted as you navigated your way into the kitchen for some caffeine. Grabbing your travel coffee tumbler, you watched your blonde roommate in her morning stretching routine.

“Good morning, (Y/N)!” Honey cheerfully replied. “How was not sleeping last night?”

You halted your movements, looking up at her with concern. “Can you tell just by looking at me?”

Honey Lemon laughed. “No, silly. GoGo came home late last night and saw you up. I heard you shuffling around earlier this morning too. No raccoon eyes, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Thank goodness,” you said with a sigh as you continued pouring liquid energy into your tumbler. “This bio course is going to be the death of me.”

“You mean working two part time jobs will be the death of you,” GoGo corrected you as she walked out of her room. “Girl, you need time to have fun too.”

You stuck your tongue out at her. Rummaging through backpack, you noticed a missing tome of knowledge. “Has anyone seen my Medical Terms bible?”

“Coffee table.” Honey called out from the living room as she held the tree pose.

GoGo walked over to you with the heavy book in hand. You mouthed a thank you to her before taking a sip of coffee.

“(Y/N), you need to take some time to make some more friends or meet a cute boy,” Honey Lemon brought up. She exchanged a look with GoGo. “We know someone who you might like. He’s nice and funny, good looking as well.”

You gave your two roommates a sad smile. “By the time I’m ready for a relationship, a boy like that will already be snatched up by someone less stressed about their future.”

Grabbing your premade meals and a couple of snacks, you swung your backpack on.

“I work bookstore and pharmacy today, so I’ll see you both tomorrow morning. Good luck with your projects in the meantime.”

“Bye, (Y/N)!” Honey called out.

“Keep the luck, you need it more than we do,” GoGo said with salute.

Walking out of the apartment, you checked your phone for your schedule once more. Class at nine, bookstore at two and pharmacy at six. And it was already eight thirty, yay. Just your typical jam packed day, all so that you could pay off medical school tuition in the future.

Balancing everything in life was... impossible, but you were managing.

Full course load university student, working two part time jobs, and a very minimal but still existent social life.

It wasn’t easy, but it was what you wanted. Going to med school was a necessary path to take if you wanted to help people out in your future career choice.

Just as you were arriving on campus, a voice caught your attention.

“(Y/N)…!”

You turned to see your friend Mina, another sufferer pre-med student.

“Hi Mina,” you greeted.

“Did you sleep last night?” she asked. When you shook your head, she let out a loud sigh. “Yeah, me too. Dr. Andrews is going to kill us with these lab reports and the test Thursday. I mean, I’d feel smarter if I weren’t so tired all the time.”

You smiled. What a mood.

“Is my make up, okay?” Mina asked. “I don’t want Justin to see me at my worse - not yet.”

You glanced over Mina’s face. She had gone through the usual effort to make herself look cute. “You look fine and I’m sure Justin wouldn’t be scared off. He knows we’re med students.”

Mina made a face. “We’ve only been a dating for two months, (Y/N), two! He doesn’t know what kind of crazy we are yet. You never know when he might get skittish and ghost me.”

If you weren’t so tired, you would have laughed.

Linking arms with Mina, you pulled her towards the classroom.

Today was going to be just another day.

Tadashi checked over the information on his phone as he walked off campus towards the bookstore. He had been looking up information to help his robotics project and a certain book had come up in his recommendations. Deciding that the resource was worth checking out, and was worth the price, he was determined to get his hands on the book while his robot was still in the works.

Walking through the doors, he made his way to the medical section. Browsing the shelves, he kept an eye out for the particular title.

After circling the area for a while, he let out a huff. Where was this textbook?

Noticing a girl wearing a name tag, he approached her with smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could help me?”

She turned to him with a smile, (E/C) eyes making contact with his brown orbs.

“Of course, are you looking for something?”

Tadashi nodded, pulling out his phone and showing her the textbook information.

"Ahhh, this one. That’s a popular book with the first year pre-med student courses,” she commented. “Everyone always asks where this one is - we organize this one by title since there’s no author.”

Leading him back into the medical section, the girl stopped in an area of the bookstore that Tadashi had missed earlier. She tapped the spine of one of the books.

“This one is good resource for in depth procedural explanations,” she explained. “Not what you were looking for though...”

Scanning the shelves, the girl paused and frowned when she stopped a particular spot.

“Is it out of stock?” she murmured, checking again. “For a textbook no one appreciates until third year, I’d be surprised if it’s sold out...” She turned back to Tadashi with an apologetic smile. “I’ll check if we have the book in stock - give me a second.”

Pulling out her phone, she typed up some information quickly. The results of her searching seemed to yield the same results.

“It looks like we’re actually out of stock for this textbook right now, although, we are restocking it,” she explained. “Would you like to request a reserve to get a copy?”

“That would be helpful, sure,” Tadashi agreed.

“Great, let’s go fill out a form for you,” she chirped, leading him away. “Are you a med student?”

“No, I’m a robotics engineering student at SFIT,” he replied. “I’m working on something related to the medical field though.”

“Really? That’s so cool,” she exclaimed, looking genuinely interested. “It’s amazing to think how technology can incorporated into health sciences. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you working on?”

“A healthcare robot,” Tadashi explained with a fond smile. “It’s still in the works, nothing has been finished yet, I’m still working on the programming stages.”

“I think that’s incredible. I’m sure you’re capable of amazing things.”

The sincerity in her tone brought a smile to his face. For someone who didn’t know much about his project, the kind words from her were very nice.

“What about you?” Tadashi asked. “Are you a student?”

“Yeah, over at Sato Health Institute,” she responded. Sato was the top post secondary institution for health care in San Fransokyo located nearby - it even shared some programs with SFIT as Tadashi recalled. “I’m a pre-med student - if you hadn’t already guessed.”

“I might have had a feeling,” Tadashi said with a grin. “You seemed like you were familiar with things firsthand.”

The girl laughed. “Lots of firsthand experience, trust me.”

Approaching the help desk, the girl popped around to grab a paper and pen. Scrawling down information onto the page first, she then slid the paper over to Tadashi across the counter.

“Just fill out the rest of the form and the textbook should be arriving in the next three days.”

Tadashi looked up from filling in the form, brown eyes flicking over to her name tag. “Thank you so much, (Y/N).”

“You’re welcome,” she replied. She took a sip from her coffee tumbler. Grabbing a sticky note, she offered it over to Tadashi. “If you’d like, leave your number and I’ll text you when it arrives - I’ll be working that day. I promise to use your number for professional reasons only.”

“I’d appreciate that,” Tadashi said as he wrote his number down. As he finished his form, he noticed a large medical terms textbook behind the counter on the desk next to the computer with a ton of sticky notes sticking out. “Is that yours?”

“That’s my current bible,” she affirmed with an amused tone. “Can’t survive without it.”

The two of them shared a laugh.

“Thanks again for your help.” Tadashi repeated as he returned the form.

“Just doing my job, don’t worry about it! It was great meeting you...” Her (E/C) eyes flickered down to the form and smile appeared on her face. “...Tadashi.”

As Tadashi left the bookstore, part of him was still lingering behind, thinking about (Y/N). She seemed like a nice girl and he really hoped that they might have another chance to encounter her again.

You fumbled with the door before pushing it open, popping back into the dark apartment. Hitting the light switch, you took off your shoes and checked for signs of your roommates.

Looks like Honey Lemon and GoGo were still out.

No surprise.

The three of you were always busy, whether the other two liked to admit it or not.

Just as you were sorting things out in the kitchen and about to grab a snack, your phone buzzed.

Mina: OMG. Did you see Terry’s SNS profile update? 🤣🤣

(Y/N): What did he do this time? Do I want to know??

Mina: He put MD CANDIDATE. The AUDACITY of this man - I got a C+ working with partner project with him. My poor GPA... 😭

(Y/N): I mean...

Mina: DON’T

(Y/N): Cs get degrees 😂

Mina: RIP me. Seriously though, are you free to study for that bio test?

(Y/N): let me grab my snack first, I’ll see you video chat

Mina: True MD candidate here

(Y/N): HA

Letting out a sigh, you swiped a snack from the cupboard before heading back to your room. Fingers crossed you would get some sleep tonight.

“Oh, finally!”

Tadashi wiped his hands off with a rag and turned to look at Fred. Wasabi and GoGo were also looking at the beanie wearing boy, but neither of them decided to engage.

“Something up?” Tadashi asked, speaking up.

“The comic bookstore said they were out of that new series I was telling you guys about the other day,” Fred explained. “I refused to go to Richardson’s place, so apparently, they reached out to the nearby bookstore and they have a copy! I got to go pick it up.”

“The one near campus?”

“Yup.”

Tadashi paused, thinking for a moment before making his decision.

“I’ll come with you.”

“Let’s go then, man!”

Catching up with Fred about the current condition of Baymax, the two soon arrived at the bookstore. Fred immediately beelined towards the help desk with Tadashi trailing behind him.

Just as Tadashi anticipated, a familiar face was working at the desk. This time though, (Y/N) was fairly concentrated on the stack of flashcards piled on her space next to textbooks filled with sticky notes.

“Uh, excuse me,” Fred said, practically bouncing on his toes.

That was enough to jolt her out of her studying. Shoving away her flashcards, she offered Fred a smile. “Yes?”

“I believe someone called about -”

“Oh! I know what you’re here for,” (Y/N) said, jumping up. She got up and skimmed over the bookshelf behind the counter. “Ah, here it is. Fred, right?”

At the sight of his new comic, Fred nodded happily. He quickly accepted it from you. “Is there a comic book section?”

(Y/N) nodded. “Just straight that way, it’s not a big collection, but you might find something.”

“Alright, thanks!”

Fred turned to see Tadashi lingering around. “You coming, Tadashi?”

“There’s something I want to check out, I’ll catch up in a bit,” the black haired male responded.

As Fred disappeared, the girl turned her attention over to Tadashi.

“I didn’t think I would see you again so soon,” she commented. “The book is not in yet, sorry.”

Tadashi smiled. “That’s fine. I see you’re here often.”

“Yeah, when I’m not busy with classes or my other job, here I am.”

The words piqued your interest. “Other job?”

“I also work at a pharmacy,” (Y/N) explained.

“Ahh. You must be a busy person,” Tadashi said. He tilted his head towards your desk. “Studying too?”

She flushed. “Yeah. Only because today’s pretty quiet - my manager doesn’t mind as long as I’m work as I’m needed. There’s a test coming up.”

“Good luck, I think you need it.”

“I do. Thank you.”

Tadashi watched as (Y/N) moved back to sitting at the desk. As she picked up her flashcards, she looked up at Tadashi.

“How’s the healthcare robot going? Any progress in the last 24 hours?”

“Baymax finally had some supply come in for assembling,” he responded. “So, just a little bit.”

“Baymax?” she repeated confused. “Oh. Is that their name?”

Tadashi nodded.

“Baymax… I like it, sounds friendly.”

“I should probably let you get back to studying,” Tadashi commented, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry for bothering you.”

“Not at all, I’m happy to chat with you.”

- Wednesday. 6PM. -

Honey: (Y/N)?

(Y/N): What’s up, Honey Lemon?

Honey: I heard the pre-med students plan on throwing a party this weekend?

Honey: Are you going?

(Y/N): Nah, I think I have work.

GoGo: You always work.

(Y/N): Huh, I never noticed.

(Y/N): Anyways, parties are not my scene. I’d be happy spending a free evening at home instead.

GoGo: Mina says she’ll miss you.

(Y/N): She’ll have Justin, she’ll be okay

Honey: Well, if you ever decide to go, we know a boy you can take with you.

(Y/N): Thanks, but I’ll pass. 🥰

- Thursday. 5PM. -

Unknown: Hi Tadashi. The textbook you wanted finally came in! Feel free to drop by anytime to come pick it up.

Tadashi: Alright, thanks (Y/N)!

Unknown: Yep, no prob!

Tadashi: Hey, is this your personal number?

Unknown: yeah 😊

(Y/N) has been added to contacts.

Tadashi: Hope you don’t mind if I contact you like in the future. 😊

(Y/N): Oh, I wouldn’t mind at all!

“Tadashi, hi,” you greeted, waving as the boy came into your line of sight. With a baseball cap on his head today, you almost mistaken him for someone else. Pulling out the textbook, you handed it over to him. “Here you go! You weren’t the only one trying to get your hands on this textbook today.”

Tadashi peered at you curiously as he accepted the textbook.

“You look tired,” he pointed out.

You just shrugged with a half smile. “The bio test was today - that was gruesome.”

“At least that’s done with,” he encouraged you. “Week’s almost over, too.”

“Best part is I’m off in five,” you agreed.

You could see your words caught Tadashi’s interest.

“Are... are you still working after?”

Shaking your head, you leaned back against the counter. “Nope, told them I was busy today so no shifts at the pharmacy tonight.”

“Would you like to go out with me then?” Tadashi asked hopefully. “We can hit up a café and grab something to eat?”

Good thing you were leaning against the counter, because the surprise you felt would have toppled you over.

“Oh, um, sure!” you agreed, cheeks heating up a little. “I’ll meet you outside in five?”

“Sounds good.”

- Friday. 9AM. -

Tadashi: I enjoyed my time with you yesterday.

(Y/N): I enjoyed my time too! Although the cookies there were kind of hard... 😢

Tadashi: Yeah... I find us somewhere with nice cookies next time.

(Y/N): Just a warning, next time might be a while. My schedule is usually full.

Tadashi: That’s fine!! If you ever find yourself with free time, let me know, I’d like to spend it with you.

(Y/N): 🥰

(Y/N): You’re too sweet, Tadashi.

(Y/N): How are you single??

Tadashi: Haha, I could ask you the same thing. Probably the same reasons as you though. I’m usually too focused with what’s in front of me.

Tadashi: Hope to see you around though.

(Y/N): me too

- Some Tuesday. 8PM. -

“And your total is 18.95,” you said, pressing buttons on the register to confirm the amount. The customer tapped their card for the purchase before taking their bags. “I hope you feel better!”

“Thank you,” the customer responded as they left.

You waited until they had gone completely before heading back to find your manager. Spotting one of older pharmacy students, you decided to talk to them instead.

“Hi,” you greeted.

“(Y/N), need any drugs?” Harper asked with a smile.

“I’ll take them all,” you joked. “Let Aria know I left if you see her for me?”

“Yeah, go. You’re free,” she ushered, waving you away.

As you pulled on your jacket and stepped out of the pharmacy, a figure caught you by surprise.

“Tadashi!” you exclaimed.

“Surprised?” he asked. “Thought I’d walk you home, not safe for you to walk the street alone at night.”

“I do it frequent enough,” you countered with a smile.

“Ooh, risk taker,” Tadashi said.

You laughed. “I appreciate this though, thanks.”

Tadashi nodded. As the two of you were catching up each other on what happened throughout the day, you felt Tadashi slip his hand into yours. Fingers intertwined, you could feel your heart racing.

This was something you didn’t want to let go of.

- Some Monday. 2PM. -

GoGo: Yo, Tadashi

GoGo: Fred wants to know when you’ll be back with the snacks.

Tadashi: Just stepped back on campus.

GoGo: Took you a while.

GoGo: You seeing someone behind our back?

Tadashi: Ha. Does Baymax count?

- A couple weeks later. Friday. 10AM. -

“Someone looks cute today,” Mina commented as you sat down next to her in the lecture hall. She eyed you up and down, nodding approvingly. “Not working today?”

“Yeah,” you replied. “My rare day off besides class. Thought I’d put a little more effort in today.”

“Well, you look adorable,” Mina confirmed. She let out a sigh when she saw the professor walk in. “Let’s see if we can survive these next two hours.”

“Challenge accepted,” you said, bumping her shoulder playfully. “Although, I might lose you halfway.”

Mina gasped and smacked your arm.

You laughed as you pulled your laptop. Although the two hours went by at a decent pace, you were glad the course was three quarters way through.

At the brutal pace your professor went, there was nothing but review for the few weeks before final exams. It was nice to know you didn’t have to teach yourself an entire unit in a week before your final.

Bidding Mina goodbye, you weaved your way out of the lecture hall and out into campus. At this point, most groups of students you saw hanging around were study groups. You would have been like them too, if you hadn’t worked so hard to make things work.

Balancing two part time jobs along with classes had you putting in so much extra effort that it usually paid off in the long run.

Yay.

Navigating your way through the streets with the GPS app open on your phone, you soon spotted the campus you were looking for.

SFIT.

(Abbreviated, because thinking through what each letter stood for was too much effort.)

Slowly wandering around as you pulled up the campus directory, your eyes glimmered when you spotted the building you were looking for. Popping inside, you clutched onto your bag, peering around curiously. There was so much science happening in this space.

Lots of creativity too, you wondered why their tradition was to prank the art school.

Poking around, you soon realized you were lost among the many rooms and labs. Your mission was a failure. Pouting, you pulled your phone.

(Y/N): Help me, I’m lost.

Tadashi: What do you mean?

(Y/N): I wandered into the lab building and was going to surprise you with a visit, but I don’t know where to find you. 🙁

(Y/N): I didn’t think this through...

Tadashi: Awwww

Tadashi: What room number do you see? I’ll find you.

(Y/N): Lab 2B

Tadashi: omw

As you awkwardly waited for Tadashi to show up, you tried not to look suspicious. Although admittedly, you were sure you looked suspicious regardless since you were lost.

“There you are,” the soft yet deep voice greeted from behind you.

Turning around to see Tadashi, you smiled.

“Sorry for the trouble,” you apologized.

“Not at all.” Tadashi shook his head. He took a moment to take you in. Within his eyes, you were absolutely beautiful. He didn’t want to mess up, so he kept it to himself. He’d voice his thoughts one day. “Welcome to Nerd Lab, by the way.”

So this was where Tadashi, your roommates, and their friends all spent their long hours working.

Tadashi took your hand. “Come on, I want to show you my lab.”

Following after Tadashi, the two of you entered the elevator behind arriving on the floor of his personal lab space. He opened a door, showing you his tidy space.

“Baymax won’t be in the works for a while, but here,” he pulled out several large blueprints. The image of an almost plush like character was found in the middle. “This is going to be Baymax.”

In awe of all the labelled details and planning in place, you looked up at Tadashi.

“This is incredible,” you breathed out. “You’re incredible too.”

Tadashi dipped his head down and captured your lips for a kiss.

Before he had the opportunity to pull back too far, you went in and gave him a quick peck as well.

Although the two of you were flushed, the loving gaze you could see in Tadashi’s eyes made you feel hopeful about this relationship.

“Can I see the medical programming?” you asked, breaking the silence.

Tadashi shyly nodded. “All the computer.”

- Later. -

(Y/N): Do you think we should let our friends know?

Tadashi: Nah, they’ll catch on eventually.

(Y/N): But if they don’t should I just accept their blind date request?

Tadashi: WHAT?

(Y/N): 😂

(Y/N): I asked for more details one time.

(Y/N): He’s this handsome robotics engineering student, who nice and has a good sense of humor. Apparently he’s very dedicated to his work too.

Tadashi: …

Tadashi: They’ve tried to set me up with their friend as well.

(Y/N): Hmm, maybe we were meant to be after all

Tadashi: I think so. 😀

(Y/N): 😘

#big hero 6 #big hero 6 imagine #tadashi hamada x reader #tadashi hamada imagine #tadashi hamada imagines #tadashi hamada #tadashi #hamada #x reader #reader insert #imagine #imagines #catching stardust #request #happy 2021!

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suguruverse · 3 years

Note

ohkay hi! may i just say, that i've just encountered your blog and i am already LOVING IT period. i just love it. it's amazing.

alright, i was thinking maybe you could do something like first meeting headcanons. and hopefully for the manager of karasuno 👀 (i was mainly thinking of the manager being a second year but ig it's not that important) it could be something like meeting at a training camp, or at a game, or at nationals, something like that. and i was thinking kuroo, oikawa and atsumu i love that man so much fml

that would be it ly! 💘

— FIRST MEETINGS WITH THE HAIKYUU BOYS AS KARASUNO’S MANAGER

includes - kuroo tetsurou, oikawa tooru and miya atsumu

a/n - hi bub!! hehe thank you for your support i love you <33 i loved this req lmao hope you like it!

♕ KUROO TETSUROU

- bro lets be completely honest, he is an absolute stuttering mess when he first meets you

- he doesn't even realise that you can see him just staring at you for a solid five minutes

- this man has 0 experience with picking up girls so he will just be saying the worst pick up lines ever or some random fact that no one cares about

- it was the first day of the tokyo training camp with karasuno, nekoma and fukurodani and you and some of the other manager's were in charge of making lunch and dinner

- since you were in the kitchen basically for the entire day, you never really had the change to meet any other the other players

- once dinner arrives, they all flood into the cafeteria looking a little bit... dead?

- you serve them their food, only receiving a toneless "thank you"

- until kuroo walked in, as rowdy and loud as he is

- when he arrived in front of you to get his rice and soup, he just stopped and looked at you

"good work today! here's your food"

kuroo: o-o

"um is there something on my face?"

"p...pretty"

"im sorry"

"YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY"

- when i tell you the silence that just filled up the room

*bokuto in the background* "BRO ASK HER OUT LATER, YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE, I'M HUNGRY"

- and then he just awkwardly runs away to his table where kenma was and just plopped on the table, his face hiding in his arms while kenma is just very uncomfortably patting kuroo's back in comfort

- the next day at breakfast, you sneaked your number onto his food tray (that was on a piece of paper) and he didn't even notice it was there until he nearly ate it

- from that day on, you'll just see him awkwardly trying to make conversation with you

- when you switched with yachi to help out the boys during the day like filling up water bottles and shit, kuroo is trying to impress you but is also doing incredibly shitty at the same time

- he pulled a hinata a couple times and got hit straight in the face by bokuto

- but to his surprise, you were already in the nurse's office because tanaka starting waving his shirt around and accidentally hit nishinoya right in the nose

- kuroo acts like he had a broken arm or something just so you can baby him

- he genuinely believes in love at first sight and asks you out at the end of the training camp lol he has no patience

♕ OIKAWA TOORU

- it was at the spring high preliminaries and both teams were warming up

- it was his turn to spike when boom bam he hits you straight in the face

oikawas brain: oh no i hit pretty girl. i should ask pretty girl if she's okay. pretty girl really pretty

- while daichi is trying to stop noya and tanaka from ripping oikawas hair out, he was already running towards you, asking if you were okay

- you insisted you were okay as you were kind of embarrassed with the crowd watching you, and soon after, the game had began

- oikawa was already thinking of 12 ways he could apologise to you but for now, he had to focus on the game

- whenever there was a timeout or break, he noticed the small twitches in your eye and the bruises that were faint, but still there

- although the game had resulted in karasuno's win, oikawa couldn't help but feel worse when he saw you wince in pain when hinata excitedly pulled you into his chest for a hug

- kiyoko recommended you go to the nurse's office but there was no point since you were about to leave anyways

- like kuroo, this man acts as if no one can see him staring at you like a creep for afar

- you rolled your eyes for the 30th time that day when oikawa approached you again as you were about to get on the bus

"hey you! are you sure you're okay?"

"im fine, thanks"

"are you sure? is there something you want me to do for you?"

- he doesn't really know how to continue this conversation so he just stands there, waiting for you to say something

"you seem a little desperate oikawa-san"

- he turns into a blushing mess when you tease him and you cannot tell me otherwise

"what about a date then? as an apology. i don't think i can sleep at night if i don't at least try to make it up to you"

"sorry not interested"

"OH right.. sorry i just thou-"

"i was just joking oikawa-san, tomorrow at 5?"

"YES"

- on the date he keeps mentioning how nervous he was because of how pretty he thought you were and how he couldn't sleep

- love sick bitch

- he also tries to be so damn smooth as well and he thinks that it's working but it really isn't

- pls for the love of god just boost his ego he needs it

- i swear you could be celebrating your 3 year anniversary but he will still be mentioning that day, telling everyone how it was fate or whatever

- and you could be on the side like what mf my face hurt for like 3 weeks shut up

♕ MIYA ATSUMU

- yay we're at nationals

- anyways the venue was fucking massive so you'll end up getting lost right?

- well yes, but you didn't really expect it to be when you were trying to escort hinata to the fucking toilets

- it was only 20 minutes until their match against inarizaki was gonna start and that mf was still in the bathroom

- and you can't exactly enter the men's bathroom so you just started pacing in front of the door like a psycho

- conveniently atsumu and suna were walking to the bathroom and saw you just muttering to yourself

- he honestly thought you were some time of perv and hella weird

"OI CREEP, what the hell a ya doing?" says the man with piss hair and reeks of axe

- and like a movie, you turn around, hair flipping in the wind and he can hear angels singing and a bright light surrounds you

- mans is on the flooring crying because wtf he just saw the most beautiful person he's ever seen

- pls snap him out of it, ur friend is probably shitting his pants in the toilets behind you and you need to see if he's okay

- he cannot keep eye contact for the life of him

- you could just be like "i'm really sorry but im the mangager for karasuno and one of my friends are in there, so can you just check on him pls"

- and he'll just smile and nod at whatever you say like "mhm yeah totally karasuno? mhm thats hot, wanna go out with me?"

- atsumu is like a demon possessed him and suna out here watching him like tf i just need to take a piss man shut up

- yeah you left with atsumu's number and left hinata all alone

- he left the bathroom and almost cried when he realised he got ditched for dick

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

Text

ain't it fun?

summary: reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

warnings: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Trauma Bonding, narcotics anonymous meetings, Strangers to Lovers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, meet-cute,

word count: 3.3K

a/n: this is completely self-indulgent and overly personal but i def recommend writing why spencer would love you as a form of therapy

read on ao3

In the blink of an eye, she was up and racing around her apartment. Her mental health was like a teeter-totter, and right now she was on her way to the top. Mania was creeping in; changing from just anxiety-induced butterflied to the feeling that she could jump off a building and survive.

That was never a good time. All she wanted was to either spend all her money, fuck a stranger or get high as shit. It made her legs jumpy and her ears ring and she couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much.

She threw on a sweater and jeans, her hair was up in a butterfly clip and she hastily threw on her fanny pack full of everything she needed as well as a big coat, and she then left her apartment. She got to the stairs before realizing she actually needed to lock the door.

Her hands shook and she tried to slide the key into the lock, dropping them as her neighbour rushed out of the room and startled her. “Sorry,” she heard him say.

She picked up her keys and turned to look at him, “can you help me? I can’t seem to stop shaking,” she asked as she held her keys towards him.

“yes, sure,” he rushed the words out as he walked towards her, only looking at the keys, never in her eyes. But that was okay, she was never a big fan of eye contact.

He placed her keys back in her hand and took a step back, “are you alright?” he asked.

“No,” she said honestly. “I’m going to find an NA meeting.”

“Do you have one in the area? I haven’t seen you around before?”

She shook her head, surprised that he was also an addict, he didn’t look like he’s ever even smoked weed.

“No, I moved in only a little while ago on a whim, but I think it’s time I got some support,” she said as they started to walk down the hallway together. “I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“Spencer,” he smiled softly. “I’m going to a meeting right now, actually, if you’d like to come? I won’t exactly be anonymous to you, but it’s a good one to go to if you just need one to fill the void until you find your preferred group.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I need.” She smiled at him this time as he held the door open for her. “So, have you lived around here for long?”

“For about a few years now.”

“The building is good then? I was a little hesitant but I needed to get away,” she said, this time holding the door for them to leave the building and turn down the street towards where she knew the subway was.

The moon should be out, she looked up but only sees buildings. It was the one thing she missed the most about not being in the country; seeing the stars and feeling like there was a reason to it all.

“Are you running from someone?” He asks as they start the walk down to the meeting.

“Myself,” she said softly. “I’m on disability and don’t drive and I lived in the middle of nowhere with my parents, well into my 20’s, and I needed a change so my parents surprised me by saving up money for a few month's rent and told me to follow my heart.”

“And you picked Virginia?”

“I stayed in Virginia, just moved into the city. I watch a lot of murder documentaries in my free time, I thought being near Quantico would introduce me to some interesting people, but I have yet to meet anyone from the FBI at all.”

She laughed to herself at how dumb it was that she wanted to meet a profiler like Holden Ford from Mindhunter, “either they are all very good at keeping their jobs secret or Virginia is a very large and densely populated area with a low percentage of FBI agents.”

“Interesting.”

“What?”

“How long have you lived here?” he asked, slowing as he walked so he could look at her.

“2 months.”

“It took you two months to meet the FBI agent across the hall from you.”

“You’re kidding?” she said, stopping on the sidewalk abruptly. “I knew that apartment was calling me for a reason.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but, are you really just coincidentally my neighbour or are you secretly spying on me because you have an evil plan to kill me and my co-workers?” he's completely serious, it's almost scary.

“No offence, Spence, but for a supposed FBI agent that’s a dumb question to ask,” she said, pointing finger guns at him, “you don’t think I’ll give up my cover that easily? Do you?”

He points a finger gun back at her, “technically, I’m a doctor.”

The two of them narrow their eyes at each other, slowly walking in a circle, still facing each other with their make-believe guns trying to hold back smirks. She lowered her ‘weapon’ first. “It’s okay, doctor, don’t worry. I’m not a spy just an idiot with an imagination.”

He giggled softly, “I’ve never felt this comfortable with someone this fast.”

“Well, you are with criminals a lot, right? That would be alarming if you bonded with them,” she said, bumping her shoulder into his as they walked. “But I feel the same. I actually haven’t talked to someone in person in forever.”

“No?”

“I do most of my work and socializing online,” She felt embarrassed, but in today’s day and age, it wasn’t that weird. “I’m not very good outside or with people.”

“If it wasn’t for my job, I don’t think I would go outside very often either. My co-workers are my only friends, they’re more like my family actually.”

“That’s so wonderful to hear, found family is very important,” her smile disappeared as she thought about how alone she was. “Um, can I ask what it is you do at the FBI?”

“Behavioural Analysis.”

“Holy shit," she gasps, knowing way too much about that unit thanks to fucking Netflix, "that’s what the BSU became right? Do you work with the really fucked up shit?” she asked softly.

He laughed, “oh yeah, I really do.”

“Do you share a lot at NA?”

“Kinda, I tend to ramble about facts when I’m nervous so sometimes my short talk becomes more like a ted talk and what was supposed to be just me saying I haven’t relapsed on Dilaudid becomes a lesson on how the human brain works,” he explained, rambling just like he said he would.

She nodded along as he spoke, “funny, that was also my drug of choice.”

“Liquid or oral?”

“Oral. I was given it after I had my appendix out when I was 17. They get you started real young now, big pharma has its hand in everyone's pocket,” she presses her lips together awkwardly, “it was rough.”

He hummed in agreement. “I was held captive by an unsub with multiple personalities. One personality drugged me till I died and the other one brought me back.”

“Spencer, Holy fuck?” she stopped and stared at him so incredibly concerned for someone who just met him. She reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder and looked him in the eyes, “I know I barely know you, but if you need someone to talk I’m literally always across the hall.”

“Thank you,” he smiled softly as he looked back into her eyes. “The meeting is right there across the street, do you want a coffee first? The place beside it is amazing.”

She nodded and he took her hand, looking both ways before J-walking across the street with her to buy her a coffee and a snack. Maybe that would help her stop shaking, he looked like he worried about her and she wasn't used to that at all.

He didn’t talk at this meeting, he sat in the chair beside the group leader, she sat down across from him in the circle so she could focus. When the floor was opened up to new members, Y/N stood at the first chance she got.

“Hi I’m Y/N,” she said, to which she was welcomed by the crowd.

“I’m new to the city and looking for a new home group, not sure if I’ll stay here because I know Spencer outside of here but I really just needed to come today.”

She takes a deep breath as she thinks of how to start it, opting to just explain it and let the rant go where it may.

“I’ve never lived alone before and it’s incredibly hard to occupy my time without drugs. I still smoke weed to help me sleep at night but my addiction is with Dilaudid and then Benadryl a little after having surgery in high school. I don’t know if it’s my trauma, my disability or my Autism, maybe it’s my OCD, I really don’t know, but I just feel so useless and alone and boring and lonely, the drugs used to help but they don’t anymore and I really just don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

They all looked like they understood, small smiles grew all around the circle as she took a lookout at the crowd, “Thank you for letting me get that out.”

Everyone clapped as she sat back down and wiped a tear off her cheek.

The meeting ended shortly after that, Spencer walked from his seat in the circle to where she was sitting, reaching a hand out to help her to her feet. “For the record, I think you’re funny, smart, kind and pretty. And you don’t have to be alone anymore if you don’t want to be.”

She slapped her hand into his and stood up with purpose, “Did we just become best friends?”

“I believe we did.”

The walk home was much like the walk there. They traded facts, they flirted, they laughed, she pushed him into a pole at one point, by accident as they laughed. The two of them stopping to sit at a bus bench, laughing so hard she felt like she would pee her pants right then and there.

By the time they were back on their floor, it was well after midnight. “I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to meetings with you.”

“Oh, why?” he looked disappointed.

“Isn’t rule 13 that you’re not supposed to want to sleep with your group members when you’re healing?”

“Wanting to and doing it are two very different things,” he corrected her as he waited at his own door.

She smirked, “you’re right. Still don’t think I can go back with you, however.”

“I’ll probably have a case tomorrow, they normally take me out of town for at least a week, but when I get back, can I see you?” he asked lightly.

“Knock on my door when you get back,” she said before standing on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. “See you.”

“Bye.”

They waved from their doors before departing, excited by something that felt better than drugs.

—

120 hours later there was a light knock at her door, she knows exactly how long it’s been because she’s been counting and looking out the door at every noise for the whole time he’s been gone. Waiting for him like a wife whose husband went off to war, not knowing when their next correspondence would be.

“Coming,” she called, stopping to fluff her hair and straighten her glasses before she opened the door.

“Spencer!”

“Hi,” he said softly.

She took a moment to look him over, a little in shock at what she saw. He was in a plain t-shirt and track pants, he had not one, but two black eyes, bandages on his brow bone and scrapes all along his arms.

“Are you okay?”

“You should see the other guy,” he giggled softly, rolling his eyes.

“Come in, let’s sit you down.” She worried, taking him by the elbow and helping him inside.

“I’m fine, really, I’m used to this.”

“Well I’m not,” she reminded him with a nervous pout, “am I allowed to ask about it or is it classified stuff?”

He sat on the couch and patted a seat beside himself so she would join him. He rested his arm against the back of the chair so that she could slide in beside him.

“Did you hear about the child abduction in Tampa?”

“Yeah? The two boys?”

“I was trying to talk the unsub down and he dropped the gun but he grabbed me as I turned him around and punched me in the face and we fell into the ditch and I luckily managed to flip over him and get his hands behind his back and cuffed faster than I ever have before.”

“You’re amazing,” she whispered.

He laughed, “if I really was, I would have waited for backup before talking to the guy.”

“I’ve always wanted to help other people get justice but not being able to go to school makes it hard to get a job doing anything meaningful,” she whispered, ashamed of the fact she wasn’t successful like most people her age.

“Our technical analyst was hired because she was an amazing hacker, they will hire anyone who is valuable.” He shrugs and watches her face light up at the idea.

“You know what, we have meetings all this week unless there’s an emergency, if you want I can show you around the office?” he offered. “It’s not illegal for you to pass by what I’m working on and notice something I missed.”

“Spencer, I don’t even know your last name and you’re inviting me to your government job? When just last week you asked, not so jokingly, if I was a secret agent trying to kill you and that you’ve been kidnapped before?”

“Doctor Spencer Reid, and what can I say?” he said shyly, “I’m trying to find excuses to see you smile all the time.”

She placed her hand on his cheek, the tips of her fingers lightly resting on his purple and yellow bruised eyes. She leaned in slowly and kissed him on the lips, so gently as if she’s afraid he’ll break or turn into a frog… he was too good to be true.

“You can see me whenever you want, Doctor Spencer Reid…”

He kissed her again, letting his hands roam her back and she trailed her free hand down his chest. She pulled back slightly to throw a leg over him carefully and sit in his lap. Holding his face in her hands now, she peppered kisses over his bruised face.

She stopped to look at him, still holding his face in her hands as his hands now rested on her hips. “I really like you, Spencer.”

“Really?”

She looks at him carefully, analyzing his response and seeing the hurt that rested deep inside of him, “I take it you’re like me?”

“What does that mean?”

“You try to not get too involved with people because no one has ever shown you true genuine interest or love, and you never think you’ll find it anyway so you push away all small acts of kindness, thinking it’s friendly because then you can’t get your hope up, just to have that person drop them?” she explained herself in a whisper.

He nodded, “you get it.”

She kissed his lips again, and then over his cheek and up to his ear, “I do.”

He looked extra sad when she pulled away, she just held his face gently as she mirrored his puppy dog eyes. Communicating with their eyes, she knew he was okay and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so she smiled.

“Want to watch a movie?” She asks softly.

He nods, looking behind her to see she doesn’t have a tv in the living room. “How?”

“In my room, the TV is on my dresser if you don’t mind sitting in my bed?”

He shakes his head in a simple no, picking her up and taking her to her room. He knew where it was purely because her apartment was just his but backwards. She laughs, holding onto him tight as she rests her head on his shoulder.

He sets her down gently, watching her move up to the headboard and wait for him. They got under the blankets and she found the remote in the sheet before she cuddled into him.

“You’re really cuddly,” she complimented him as he wrapped an arm around her and held her close. He kissed the top of her head as a thank you.

“I think I’m going to end up falling in love with you, Spencer Reid,” she whispers the words, afraid of them more than his response.

“I beat you to it,” he whispers right back.

She shoots up, turning to look at him with surprise. “How?”

He looks at her like she grew two heads, “what do you mean how?”

“How did you fall in love with me? You don’t even know me?” She’s so confused, no one has ever loved her before and it’s a lot to take in.

“Y/N…” his face drops, his heart physically breaks in front of her. “I don’t know you, you're right. Not all of you, at least. I’m sure you have your hidden doors and locked cupboards but from the outside, I see you’re so beautiful, you’re radiant… your mind is lovely. You’re so kind, you’re so brave, you’re everything I wish I could be as charismatically as you are.”

She’s just swallowing over and over as she shakes her head and breathes through her nose, processing it. She’s breathing deeply then, staring off and she feels like she’s having a new kind of panic attack. A happier one, somehow?

“I don’t like myself, but if you like me I guess I must be pretty nice,” she smiles, accepting his praise and believing him. “Yeah. Thank you, Spencer.”

He smiles then, it’s cute and press-lipped and she swears he almost has dimples. His eyes are like honey and his lips are like roses. She leans in, kissing him and reaching a hand back to cup the nape of his neck.

He doesn’t know it, but he’s the first person she’s kissed in a few years. They’re soft, peck after peck as they hold each other softly, eyes open as they watch each other experience the happiness of finding someone good, finally.

“I uh, I wanted to tell you I’m almost exactly everything you described yourself as in the meeting,” he whispers against her lips, the air touching her skin gently as she absorbs the words.

“What part? My diagnosis or my self-hatred?” She smiles, okay with either really.

“Almost both, I’m pretty hard to be around.”

She shakes her head, “I invited you in for a movie, not a pity party. You can tell me everything you hate right now and then we should just share the good parts okay? Brag about yourself. Tell me what you’re proud of.”

She was really serious, keeping a stern look on her face as she spoke. He nodded, “I’m anxious all the time, I’m always worried because I’ve never had anyone to worry about me. I don’t know how to be a real person really, all I do is drink coffee and solve crimes and I barely sleep. And the only time I was relaxed and okay is when I was on drugs.”

She nodded, “it fucking sucks, doesn’t it? Like why did we get stuck like this, I don't care about peaking in high school but didn’t we deserve some kind of love and support? I’ve never understood if souls and shit are real, why did mine pick this terrible meat suit and awful traumatic path?”

She’s crying because she’s angry and because she’s never said it to anyone before. He cries because she understands. She truly knows.

“I love you,” he announces. “Just because of that.”

Taglist: @blanchardsbk @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine

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fangirlinsweden · 2 years

Text

Just One Kiss: Part 7

Part 7: If I Was A Cowboy

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warning: Smutty thoughts, sadness, mention of war, scars

Word Count: about 4 400 words

Summary: You have been suspended from work and do not know what to do with yourself. Then in just a matter of hours, you find yourself on a plane to Montana to stay with people you have never met before. And as if that is not enough one of the men you are supposed to get to know is handsome enough to make your knees shake.

A/N: I do not know anything about the professions that are detailed in this story. I have googled most things I did not know and therefore there can be some inconsistency.

English is not my first language, so there will be mistakes.

And a big thank you to the amazing @dreamcatchernightsky not only for giving great support and helping me stay motivated but also for the amazing dividers for this story. You are the Best!

I also want to give a big thanks to @banditthewriter @kaunis-sielu and @maw000 for their support!

And lastly a big thank you to my incredible Cat for being my beta reader!

“It’s not a date,” Steve went stiff. You felt your cheeks heat up. Of course, it's not a date. He was feeling bad over how he treated you the night before and Nat had been on him to take you out to dinner. It was all this was. “Mrs. Bennett this is Y/N Y/L/N, a friend of Natasha. Y/N this is Mrs. Bennett, Dr. Wilson’s nurse.” “Hi,” you said and Mrs. Bennett smiled at you. “So you are a friend of Nat's.” She turned her attention fully on you. “Yes,” you answered, trying not to fidget in your seat. “You tell that sweet girl it’s time she moved back home,” Mrs. Bennett lifted her hand and you thought she was going to wag her finger at you. “I will,” you promised with a smile. Steve was still stiff as a board and you wanted this conversation to be over. “I will leave the two of you to have your dinner in peace,” Mrs. Bennet said and gave Steve a wink. Both Steve and you said your goodbyes and when the women were out of earshot Steve let out a breath. “Mrs. Bennett is one of the town's biggest gossips,” Steve scratched his neck. “So you are worried that us eating dinner will be the talk of the town.” You tilted your head. There was an ache in your chest. “Worried that your girlfriend will get the wrong idea?” Steve looked up at you fast. “I don’t have a girlfriend,” he made it very clear. “I just don’t like being gossiped about.” He cast a look over at Pepper who was on her phone. You did the same and saw that Mrs. Bennett had joined Pepper and that they both were glancing your way. “Want to leave?” you nodded towards the door. “No, I want to have dinner with you,” Steve smiled, a big honest smile that reached his eyes. “But thank you for the offer.” Before you could respond, a waiter came over to your table and asked if you were ready to order, which you were. There were a lot of things that looked good on the menu, but with Steve’s recommendation, you ordered something called a blue plate special with sweet potato fries. When the waiter left there was a kind of awkward silence. You were trying to think of something to start talking about when Steve broke the silence. “How did you meet Nat?” Steve wondered. It was not a question you thought that you were going to get. Did he really not know that? “You don’t know?” You bit your bottom lip. Steve shook his head. “Making a long story short. She answered an ad I had out for a roommate and we bonded over cheating boyfriends and chocolate,” you tried to joke about it, but the truth was it still hurt. Even all of these years later. But the silver lining was that you had met your best friend because of it. “Cheating boyfriends?” Steve lifted a brow. “Yeah, my roommate thought it was okay to sleep with my boyfriend in my bed while I was studying in the library. I got a headache and came home and found them.” “What happened?” “Let’s just say that I kicked them both out,” you shrugged. “And then I needed a new roommate so I put an ad out. Nat was the only normal person who answered. We still live together, just a better apartment.” “I meant Nat,” Steve clarified. “I did not know she was cheated on.” “Oh,” you blushed. Of course, he was not interested in your story, he wanted to know about Nat. “If you already spilled the beans you might as well tell the whole story.” Steve urges you on. That was true., “Nat was dating this guy, Grant Ward,” you take a sip of water, praying that Nat would not get mad at you for telling him. “Grant,” Steve almost growled. “I take it you know him.” You nodded. “I met him twice,” Steve relaxed his closed fist. “What did he do?” “Well, since I already told you this much,” you sighed. “From what Nat told me he was on a couple of dating sites and slept with a lot of different women. When Nat found out, he said it was her fault. That she was too busy with studying and that he needed more than that.” “Fucking idiot,” Steve said with a growl. “My thoughts exactly,” you nodded. “Please tell me someone gave both of those guys what they deserved.” Steve’s jaw was kind of tight. “Let’s just say Grant apparently had sex with his professor and he got expelled and she

got fired,” you smirked. “And your ex?” Steve asked. You sighed. It was better to just tell the truth. “He got my roommate pregnant. Last I heard they got married and moved to Alabama to be closer to her parents.” “You dodged a bullet,” Steve said, instead of the sympathy response you were used to. “I think so,” you smiled. “Plus I met my best friend because of it.” The waiter came over with the wine that Steve had recommended for you and a beer for him. After you had tasted the wine the waiter poured you a glass and left the two of you alone. “Have you always wanted to be a nurse?” Steve wondered when you were alone again. You laughed and shook your head. “No, I did not,” you admitted. “I wanted to be a vet.” “That would have been even handier,” Steve smiled at you. “I guess,” you smiled. “My parents did not want me to be a vet so I changed my mind.” “Why?” Steve wondered. “It was just easier,” you admitted and looked away. Thankfully, Steve took that as a need for a change of subject. “What do you do in your free time?” Steve took a sip of his beer. “I don’t have a lot of free time,” you admitted. “I am just like Nat, we both work too much. But when I get free time I usually take some hikes with my camera, read books or spend time with Nat.” Steve nodded. “I am the same. Well, I don’t take hikes with my camera. It’s hard getting free time and when I do, I usually read a book, spend time with my friends or go for a ride.” “I guessed there was an avid reader in the house since you have such a big library,” you smiled. “My mother started that library when she and my dad moved into the house,” Steve’s smile turned a bit bitter-sweet. “My father continued on it after she passed away and then my step-mother helped. Now it’s up to me to keep it going.” You placed a hand on his hand. “That is a great memory of your family,” you smiled and gave his hand a small squeeze. That was when the waiter came back with your food. You both started eating and you had to contain a small moan. The food was amazing. Steve looked at you and chuckled. “I told you the food here was great.” “You were right,” you admitted. “Oh, and when we are talking about food. I forgot to tell you that I am cooking dinner tomorrow and I kind of invited someone over.” “That’s fine. But you don’t have to cook.” “I want to. I really enjoy cooking and you have that amazing kitchen.” “If you want to use the kitchen you’re welcome to,” Steve shrugged his shoulders. “But who did you invite over?” “A friend of Peter's,” you answered and before you could say that it was MJ, Steve started talking. “Ned is always welcome.” “Oh, I meant MJ,” you said and took a sip of your wine. “MJ.” Steve stared at you with a raised eyebrow. “You invited MJ. What did Peter say about that?” “He got kind of excited actually,” You smiled at the memory. “I would hope so,” Steve smiled. “He has been crushing on her for years. Secretly crushing or at least that is what he thinks.” You tried containing a giggle, but it kind of came out. “It’s sweet,” you smiled and looked down at your plate. “He was really sweet to her in the store today.” “He is a really sweet kid,” Steve agreed. “But he is also really good at messing things up.” “I think you making him go through with this cattle drive is a good lesson.” “I hope you are right,” Steve sighed. “So far it's been more work for me than him.” “I can see that,” you agreed. “But I still think its a good lesson and I am here to take up the slack.” “I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you had helped with so far,” Steve’s face was serious and you nodded. After that Steve and you continued to talk about other more easy conversations after that. It became a lot of talk about your favorite books and he made you laugh a lot. It was nice and relaxing, especially when you stopped caring about people looking at the two of you.

Parking infront of the house a couple of hours later you turned to Steve. “This was really nice,” you said and smiled. “Thank you.” “It’s me who should say thank you,” Steve smiled. “I don’t know when I last took a night off.” “You should do it more often.” You smiled and unfastened your belt. Steve jumped out of the truck and went over to your side and opened the door. He helped you out and then you stood almost in his embrace. The truck behind you and him in front of you. You could have sworn his eyes went down to your lips, but then he backed off. “I need to look in at the horses,” he smiled. “See you in the morning.” You swallowed your disappointment. “Yes, see you in the morning,” you said and walked inside. When you closed the door to your room you slumped against the door and thought back. Steve was giving you mixed signals. Sometimes it felt like he was going to kiss you, but in the next, it was like he would rather be anywhere else or with anyone else. You shook your head and got ready for bed, hoping to get a night full of sleep.

Steve stood in the stable petting Cinnamon. He had almost kissed Y/N. She had been so close that he had felt her breath on his chest and all he wanted was to pull her into his arms and kiss her. Being around Y/N was dangerous. He almost forgot everything. Things like she was Nat’s best friend. That she was there to make sure Peter and Steve got along. That something had happened so she needed to leave New York for a while. Steve sighed. “I don’t know what to do with her,” Steve said to Cinnamon. “She affects me in a way nobody has ever done before.” Cinnamon nickered and Steve pressed a kiss to her muzzle. “I wish I knew what you were saying,” Steve petted Cinnamon the last time before he walked over and spent a bit of time with all the other horses in the stable. When he walked out almost an hour later he saw that the light in Y/N's room was not on anymore. He took a deep breath and walked towards the house, hoping to get a good night's sleep without any dreams of the woman sleeping in his house, just a few doors away from him.

The next evening, you stood on the porch again, listening to all the sounds that belonged to the ranching life. You did not miss the sounds from New York. The honking, yelling, and traffic. The sounds here put you at ease. It was easier to relax. You sighed and took a sip from the mug of tea in your hands. Peter was in his room talking to his friend Ned - probably talking about the dinner you just had with MJ. He had not wanted to leave you alone, but you had insisted that he should go. You wanted to spend some time alone with your thoughts before you went to bed. The tea was to help you sleep. Peter had been a bundle of nerves the whole day, but you had promised him to run interference with Steve if it was needed. When Steve and you had ridden out in the morning, Steve had promised to be on his best behavior and let Peter enjoy having a friend over. Steve had been kind of quiet at dinner. You did not know if it was because of what you had talked to him about, but MJ, Peter, and you had talked more than enough for all of you. MJ was bright and funny, and you understood why Peter liked her so much. After dinner, Steve had excused himself to go check in on the horses. You knew that he had a couple of pregnant mares that he wanted to look in on. But you also had a feeling he wanted to leave MJ and Peter alone. Peter had offered to do the dishes since you cooked and MJ helped him. You left them alone and went to read a book. MJ came in later to tell you goodbye before she went to go home. Peter had been all smiles and it made you happy to see.

You took a deep breath and cleared your mind. The last couple of nights you had dreamed hot and steamy dreams about Steve. It seemed that he was always on your mind. And just as you willed him to come to you he was walking up on the porch. “Hi,” you gave him a nod and continued to look out in the night. “Evening,” Steve said and walked over to stay next to you at the porch railing. “I thought you would have gone up to bed already,” Steve said after a little bit. “I needed to relax some, Peter’s nervous energy kind of rubbed off on me,” you explained. “Yeah, he was pretty nervous,” Steve agreed. “But I think it went well.” “Me too,” you took a sip of your tea.

Just standing this close to Steve did something to you. There was fluttering in your stomach and the heat he radiated made you want to move closer to him. The sexual attraction that you felt for Steve seemed to grow instead of lessening. When you first met him you were almost floored by how good-looking he was. Day two had been kind of amusing, especially with how he handled you getting bitten. But now, you really needed to get over these feelings. Yes, you were single and had no relationships brewing and you enjoyed romantic relationships but starting something with Steve? You just could not. Besides you needed more than just sexual attraction to start a relationship, there needed to be a more emotional connection as well. Which you did not think you would get from Steve.

Asking Nat for advice was not an option. Not only because Steve was her brother, but also because Nat had told you that Steve could be a distraction. If she had known how big of a distraction Steve had been so far Nat would smirk and tease you about it. Maybe even say something snarky in front of Steve. And you did not need anything more embarrassing to happen in front of Steve. “I think I am going to go to bed now,” You said and turned around to leave. “Good night, Y/N,” Steve said, not turning to you. “Good night, Steve,” you said as you walked into the house. In the kitchen, you rinsed out your mug and placed it in the dishwasher. “Y/N,” Steve said and you turned to find him standing in the opening to the kitchen. “I forgot to thank you for the amazing food you cooked for us earlier today,” Steve took a step into the kitchen. “You are welcome,” you smiled and walked to leave the kitchen. But when you were going to walk past Steve you just could not resist standing on your toes and pressing a kiss to his cheek. His eyes got bigger and it seemed as if he was holding his breath. “Good night,” you said once again and hurried out of the room and up the stairs while pressing a hand to your stomach. Why had you kissed his cheek?

The next morning the both of you acted as if the day before had not happened. At breakfast, Steve wondered if you wanted to go out for a ride again. Which you of course wanted. Each time you were out you had got to ride a new horse. Yesterday you had ridden Brandy, who Steve apparently kept here for when Nat visited. Not that Steve had told you, instead it had been Peter. When you walked to the stable you wondered who you would get to ride today. When you walked into the stable your senses were immediately overcome by all the smells you associated with horses. Horses, hay, leather, and manure. It made you stop and just breathe it in. It really felt like coming home. A tear formed in your eye. How could you have given this up for so long? You took a couple of breaths to center yourself before you walked further into the stable. You saw Wanda in the stable office, but not Steve. You knock on the doorframe and Wanda smiled at you. “Steve had to take a quick call,” Wanda said after the two of you said your hellos. “He said you could take whichever horse you wanted for today's outing.” “Got any suggestions?” you asked Wanda and looked around the stable. “Storm,” Wanda answered directly. The mare heard her name and put her head out over the box door. During the times you had been in the stable, Storm had been one of the horses you had petted a lot. Her coloring was white, almost snow-white, but with some gray undertones. It made her blue eyes pop. She was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. You walked over to her and she placed her head on your shoulder directly. Storm's coat felt warm under your hands and you caressed her neck. “What do you say, Storm?” you asked. “Want to go riding with me?” As if she understood what you said she nodded her head up and down. “I will take Storm,” you said over your shoulder to Wanda who just laughed. “I'll make her ready for you,” Wanda said, but you stop her. “Please, let me,” you said and Wanda nodded. She then showed you the grooming equipment as well as Storm's things. “I really like how you have different things for different horses,” you pointed at the nameplates by the saddles and bridles. “It’s easier this way and better for the horses since Steve specially orders the saddles for each horse,” Wanda explained. “Wow, I did not know that,” you smiled and together you left the saddle room. “I'll get Major ready for Steve,” Wanda smiled and she left you alone. You took the grooming equipment you needed and walked over to Storm. “Hey girl,” you said and walked into her stall. “How about some grooming?” Storm just blinked with her brown warm eyes, but you took it as a yes. You took your time grooming Storm and just like you did growing up and grooming horses, you talked to her. You complimented her gorgeous white coat. Said what kind-looking blue eyes she has. After a while, you start humming a song that was stuck in your head. Storm started to snort and you took it as a good sign. So you started to sing the words instead and she sighed. You walked closer to Storm and hugged her tight and continued to sing. Storm placed her head on your shoulder and sighed again. It almost made you cry, but since she seemed to like that you sang to her you continued doing that. You got lost in your own head, remembering your childhood riding horses and the happiness you felt just hugging Storm that you forgot what you were doing.

Steve walked into the stable after his call but stopped a few meters inside. He heard someone singing and he knew it was not Wanda, who only sang when she was a bit tipsy. Then it hit him - it was Y/N. She was singing. Steve did not recognise the song, but Y/N had a nice voice. He was conflicted, should he make his presence known or should he let her finish? Instead of deciding, Steve listened to the lyrics. “If I was a cowboy, I'd be wild and free Rollin' around these towns like tumbleweeds I'd be a legend at loving and leaving Nipping on a whiskey and numbing up my feelings You thought the West was wild but you ain't saddled up with me If I was a cowboy, I'd be the queen”

It had him smiling when he realised that it was a country song, not some new pop. The lyrics also seemed to fit her somehow. He could also hear the joy in her voice as she was singing. This was something that she had forgotten to tell him about during their dinner, not that he minded. But she really had an amazing voice. Y/N sang out the last note and Steve turned to walk away, just to find Wanda looking at him with a big smile. “She has a really nice voice, don’t she boss?” Wanda asked and nodded to behind Steve. He turns around and finds Y/N standing in the walkway just looking at them. “Yes, you have a really nice voice,” Steve swallowed and Y/N looked down at the floor. “I kind of forgot where I was,” Y/N admitted and Storm made a sound behind her that almost sounded like a laugh. It got Y/N going and she disappeared to the sable chamber. Steve turned around to Wanda again. “You should have seen how calm all the horses became when she started to sing,” Wanda pointed at the horses who almost all had their heads out over the doors looking after Y/N. “I guess they liked it,” Steve nodded. “I have gotten Major ready for you outside,” Wanda said just as Y/N walked back out with a saddle and a bridle. “Thank you, Wanda,” Steve said and stepped towards Y/N. “Do you need any help?” He asked her. “Could you please open the box door for me?” She wondered and nodded towards Storm's box. So he did. Then instead of hovering, he walked outside to Major.

You took a couple of deep breaths while saddling Storm and putting the bridle on. You had completely forgotten where you were when you had started singing. It was embarrassing, even though both Steve and Wanda seemed to think you had a nice voice. How many times were you going to embarrass yourself in front of Steve? If you knew yourself right and since you really liked him, you were not done with embarrassing yourself. It would happen more times. When you got Storm ready and felt as if you could meet Steve’s eyes again you walked Storm out of her box. Wanda stood a bit away. “I just want you to know,” Wanda smiled. “That whenever you feel like singing you are welcome here. All the horses and I loved it a lot.” It made you blush. “Thank you,” You said and Wanda wished you an outing. Steve stood outside with a beautiful dark brown horse you had met the other day. He was one of the older horses in the stable, but Steve had told you that he was still healthy and loved a good gallop around the grounds. “Ready?” Steve wondered and sat up in the saddle. You nodded and did the same. Storm felt like a storm under your body. She was filled with energy and seemed ready to get going. Steve took you on yet another path from the ranch and you started to get a hang on just how big the ranch was. Steve did not mention the singing, which you were thankful for. You did not know what to talk about, but you wanted to get to know Steve better. And that meant getting to know Steve and just not other people's sides and views of Steve. "Were you close to your dad?" you ask to break the silence. "Yes," Steve answered and then the conversation ended. You almost laughed. Some days you went to bed thinking that you finally found the real Steve and that things would be different and then the next day you tried having a conversation with him and he was a wall. He had been open and charming at dinner out the other day. And now he had his wall up again. It was as if he could not decide if he trusted you or if he wanted you gone from here. It hurt, but at the same time, had you really been that honest with him? You had not told him about why you were not in New York working or anything about your own parents. Steve had let you into his home and gave up his time to spend time with you. Time you knew he needed to do other things. You decided to try and get the conversation going again. “Are any of the paths we have been taking going to be where we go on the cattle drive?” you asked Steve. He turned to look at you and offered a smile. As he was thankful that you did not press the subject. Steve started to talk about the different routes the cattle drive could take and pros and cons of the different routes. You listened and tried to understand all the different directions Steve was talking about, south, north, west. You honestly had no idea which way was which without a compass. But Steve seemed to know. He seemed to know it all and it was extremely attractive to see his face light up as it did when he talked about the ranch and the land. You looked forward to the cattle drive and how he would be then. Would he be more open with Nat around? Or more closed off?

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#Just One Kiss #Just One Kiss Series #Just One Kiss Part 7 #Steve Rogers #Steve #Captain America #Steve Rogers AU #Captain America AU #Steve AU #Steve x Reader #Steve Rogers x Reader #Captain America x Reader #Marvel AU #MCU AU #Cowboy!Steve Rogers #Cowboy! Steve #Nurse!Reader #FangirlinSweden

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babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

DIWK - Chapter thirteen: "Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something that's already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. And then, she goes out with James. Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... here we go!

Masterlist

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. Will she go out with James? Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... things are slowly but surely happening here.

---

Spencer's point of view

- "That doesn't make any sense!"- I nearly lost it at my medical appointment. To be fair, I was losing my sanity for the last week, but that day, that minute, I have had enough.

- "I'm not sure what you want me to say,"- the doctor frowned, confused by my reaction.

- "So there's nothing wrong?"

- "Well, your scans are perfectly normal, and there doesn't seem to be any physical explanation for your headaches."

- "Well, what do I do now?"- I was lost. I was hoping he could tell me there was something physically wrong with me that we could fix. But apparently, everything was ok.

- "Well, have you considered..."

- "Considered what?"- I knew what he was implying, but I didn't want to deal with that. The doctor sighed and simply just said it.

- "A psychosomatic cause."

- "Psychosomatic?"

- "It just means mental or emotional stress..."

I had to cut the doctor right there, 'cos it was nearly insulting that he thought he needed to explain to me what that meant.

- "I know what psychosomatic means, doctor, but it's not that."

- "Well, I think it's something we should consider."

- "It's not... I'm not crazy!"- but yes, I was going a little crazy at the time.

- "Crazy? Dr. Reid, I'm not saying..."- the professional stared at me, shocked, as I put on my satchel and stood up.

- "I have headaches. I have intense sensitivity to light because there's something wrong with me physically, not mentally. It's not that."

- "That?"

- "Listen, doctor, my mother's a paranoid schizophrenic who's been institutionalized, so I know very well what mental illness looks like, maybe even better than you, and it's not that. It's not."

I walked to the door, but before I could leave or dramatically storm out, the doctor added one more thing.

- "Your headaches are more likely caused by stress due, I suspect, to your very consuming job. My recommendation is to take a few weeks off and have a real vacation. Disconnect from work, and relax. That's all."

The doctor seemed genuinely concerned, so I just nodded and walked out. My head was killing me, and to be honest, I wasn't thinking straight.

It was Thursday. My head was killing me. I hadn't spoken more than a handful of words with (Y/N) since last Friday, and to call it torture came short. It was consuming my whole life at that point. I hadn't slept more than maybe three hours that entire week. After we reached home from Miami, I focused on the paperwork and whatever request for information that crossed my desk.

But I wasn't blind, neither deaf nor stupid. No, I was stupid for wasting so many chances I had in almost five years to tell (Y/N) how much I loved her. Now I was doomed to look at her from a safe distance, as she enjoyed life with her new boyfriend. James.

I first heard his name Wednesday morning when a delivery boy showed up at the bullpen, asking for (Y/N). Everybody looked at her, and she blushed as she raised her hand, and the delivery boy gave her a small box and asked her to sign for the package.

- "What is that, pretty girl?"- Morgan asked when the delivery was gone, and he walked over to see what was into the box.

- "I have no idea... but it passed security, so I know it's not a bomb"- she chuckled and opened it.

- "Wow! Did you send her these, kid?"- Morgan looked at me chuckling, but as soon as he saw my serious expression, he frowned, confused.

- "This is incredible!"- it was the whole Jane Austen collection in a deluxe edition. It was gorgeous. She obviously loved it. And it came with a card.

- "Can't wait 'till Friday night. James"- Emily read out loud as (Y/N) stared at the box, blushing- "Ok missy, you have some explaining to do!"

But I didn't stick around to hear the rest of the story. I didn't need the torture. So I stood up and walked to the kitchenette to get another cup of coffee. And then I hid in the briefing room because I needed to be on my own for a while. I sat at the table and stared at my hands, trying to remain calm. I couldn't cry at work. I shouldn't show my true feelings when my friends were around. I didn't want them asking a million questions I didn't want to answer with the truth.

- "Sorry, man,"- Morgan said as he walked in and sat at the other side of the table- I thought you had sent her those books 'cos you have been acting all weird lately, and you were trying to get on her good side

- "Don't worry"- I tried to look cool and even smiled at Morgan, but he knew better than that.

- "So... how are you?"

- "I'm ok, you?"- I was annoyed already, but I knew there was no way out from that conversation

- "Kid, come on. You can talk to me."

- "There is nothing I wanna talk about right now. I am ok!"- I stood up and walked around the room, frustrated and trying not to yell.

- "Come on, Reid. It's getting painful to watch! You have to tell her how you feel!"- Derek stood up too, and I widened my eyes at his words, scared everybody downstairs might have heard us. I looked at the door; it was locked.

- "I don't want to talk about that now."

- "Man! Come on!"- but I passed by his side and ignored him, opening the door and basically running back to my desk.

From where I could clearly see (Y/N) blushing and staring at her books. Great.

That day went painfully slow. By the time I reached my apartment, I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally. My head was killing me, and all I wanted was to get under the covers of my bed with a book, a cup of herbal tea and make a massive effort to get some sleep.

Apparently, I was asking for too much. Ten minutes after my arrival, my bell rang, forcing my weary body to move from the couch to the door. Sadly, it wasn't (Y/N), the only person I wanted to see that minute. Instead, it was Ashley, and I had to pretend and smile when I saw her.

- "Hey! Am I interrupting something?"- she asked with a cheerful smile as she stood by the door and showed me a paper bag- I got some extra dumplings, and I thought you might like to share

- "Thank you, Ashley... but I already ate."- I lied and watched her leave the box on my table and take a look around- "Wait, where did you get my address?"

- "It's on the system."- she answered casually, and I frowned, thinking there had to be a better way to keep our information classified if we were FBI agents. Not that I didn't want Ashley to know where I lived, but... I just didn't want her there.

- "And what were you doing?"

- "Getting... really to bed, actually. I am weary."

- "And... Do you need any help?"- Ashley stood closer to me and smiled mischievously. I cleared my throat, feeling awkward and even a little embarrassed with her proposal.

- "No, thank you, I'm ok."

But she didn't get the hint. Instead, she ran her tongue through her lips very slowly and rested her hands on my hips. My whole body aches at that touch. Not because I craved more, but because it made me feel nervous and uneasy. I didn't want her to touch me, but I didn't want to be rude.

- "You know, Spence, (Y/N) has a boyfriend now, and she definitely moved on with her life. Maybe you should start thinking about doing the same."

- "I'm sorry?"- I frowned as I stared at her silly grin. She thought she was flirting, but instead, she was actually hurting me.

- "I saw her Friday with Anderson's friend. She seemed to be having a great time. Maybe it's time you have fun too."- she leaned in and tried to kiss me, but I took three steps back and shook my head right away.

- "No, Ashley, it's not like that,"- she frowned, confused, and blushed, embarrassed immediately.

-" What? But I thought you... I thought you liked me."

- "I'm sorry, Ashley, but..."- I hesitated in my answer, trying to find the right ways to reject her. I had never rejected anyone before in my entire life. I have never been lucky with girls at all.

- "But what? You don't want me?"

No. I didn't want her. Not even a little. Not even at all. But I couldn't tell her that just upfront. I had to sugarcoat it. I didn't want to hurt her, though. She wasn't a bad person. Just... Not the right person for me.

- "I'm sorry, Ashley. I am sure you are an amazing woman, and any man would be glad to..."

- "Not any man, Spencer. You! I want you!"- but I just shook my head and sighed.

- "I'm sorry."

That was all I managed to answer. Her cheeks kept blushing, and somehow, her eyes were tearing up too. I remembered (Y/N) once told me that she would involuntarily cry every time she was upset, which always made her feel weak. I thought I could tell Ashley crying was totally normal when one's upset. But instead, I just stayed quiet.

- "You know, she is with someone else now. So she clearly doesn't want you, Spencer. Why are you waiting for her?"

I could tell she meant to hurt me, but she couldn't do it. Why? I guess because I knew she didn't understand (Y/N) and me. She tried to make it seem like (Y/N) had ruined everything, but I knew it had been me. There was no one else to blame but me.

- "I don't wanna fight with you, Ashley,"- I whispered and shook my head- And I don't want to talk about (Y/N) with you.

- "She doesn't love you, Spencer,"- that we both agreed on.

- "She has nothing to do with what's going on right here. I don't wanna have anything but a professional relationship with you, Ashley. I'm sorry if you had any other thoughts about us, but it's not gonna happen. Not tonight, not ever. And not because of (Y/N)."

Ashley gave me a stern look. Her chin quivered, but she didn't flinch. Instead, she grabbed the food she had brought and walked to the door.

- "You are gonna regret this, Spencer!!"- she yelled and stormed out of my apartment, slamming the door.

But no matter what, I knew I wouldn't. I wasn't going to regret rejecting her that night.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I stared at the books James had sent me and sighed. I was home alone on a Wednesday night, staring at a bunch of books on my coffee table. They were unique, gorgeous, and clearly expensive. But they meant nothing compared to the one sitting at their side: Spencer's edition of the Illustrated Man. It was old, had many notes on the sides, and the corner of the pages had been folded... primarily by me.

I sipped my glass of wine and sighed. I missed Spencer. I didn't want to go out with James. I wasn't interested in him at all. I just liked the attention I got from him, mostly 'cos I knew he had a crush on me... because Anderson had pointed it out as soon as he told me about him.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I ran my fingers through Spencer's book. I missed him. But he was with Ashley now. So I had to move on. I didn't want to, though. I just wanted him. I could almost see him there, on the couch, laughing. I could hear his laughter as we played board games. His current favorite was Monopoly Gamer Mario Kart, and he really enjoyed winning. He could get all cocky as he got all my coins.

Everywhere I looked around in my apartment reminded me of Reid. It was just the books, his cardigan on my couch, the umbrella he had left two years ago, and that belonged in my place now. It was just the pictures of him on the walls, memories of trips, dinners, Christmas, parties with Lu, Frank, and Mikey. It was literally everything. My apartment screamed Spencer Reid because he was the person I had shared the most amazing times with there.

On that kitchen island, we had carved pumpkins every Halloween for the last four years. On that table, he served the first meal he ever prepared from scratch. On that couch, we forgot about all our phobias and cuddled for countless hours.

My whole life was about Spencer Reid. How was I ever going to move on from him? How was I ever going to love someone the way I loved him?

I sobbed and just then realized I was crying my heart out. I held my legs, wrapping my arms around them, and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I was losing my mind, and the only thing that made sense was crying until there were no more years left inside of me.

When the phone rang, I had a headache. I always get one after I cry. I prayed it wasn't a case 'cos I wasn't really sober after drinking a whole bottle of wine, crying, on the floor. Literally, on the floor. But it wasn't Penelope with a case. It was Frank, and he could tell from the very first moment that something was wrong.

- "Nugget, are you ok?"

- "Yeah, Paco, why?"- I slurred and cursed. I was busted.

- "Why are you drunk?"

- "Because I got home after a horrible day and decided to drown my fucking bad mood in chardonnay. Guess what? The shitty bastard keeps floating, but I am not giving up!"

Frank chuckled with my drunken words. I heard him light a cigarette and walk around somewhere I figured was his apartment.

- "And what is the doc doing?"

- "What the fuck do I know?"- my voice didn't hide the hurt I felt, but I forgot Frank had no idea what was happening between Spencer and me.

- "Doc isn't there?"

- "No, we are no longer tied by the hip."

- "Ok, nugget, what the fuck is going on?"

- "Spencer has a girlfriend."

- "What?!"- I nearly dropped my phone, 'cos Frank yelled into my ear after hearing my reply.

- "Yeah, Spencer Walter Reid has a girlfriend. So if you wanna know about him, you should call fucking agent trainee Seaver, who is probably training his cock right now!!"

I grabbed my glass and finished what was left of the wine. I knew I had another bottle in the fridge, but it was just Wednesday, I still might be called in for a case, and I still had to get up early in the morning to go to work. Getting drunk wasn't the answer. But... I wasn't asking any questions either. So I stood up slowly and walked to the kitchen to grab the bottle.

- "No, nugget. There's no way you are telling me the truth!"

- "Why should I lie? Spencer has a girlfriend. Her name is Ashley."

- "(Y/N), Doc has been in love with you for years! There's no way he has a girlfriend!!"- I put the phone on speaker and left it on the counter to open the cold bottle of wine and pour myself another glass.

- "Can you all people stop saying Spencer is in love with me?!"- tears filled my eyes as I shouted and hit the table- "I know he is not! And that's why I feel like shit!"

- "Ok, nugget... calm down. Are you home?"

- "Yes... can you come over?"

- "I'm sorry, I'm out of town. I came to New York for a job interview."

- "What?! When? Why?"

- "'Cos I thought maybe it was time for a new challenge..."- my heart stopped with those words, and Frank knew it- "But don't worry, I didn't get it. You won't get rid of me so easily, nugget."

- "Good, 'cos I don't want any more changes. I can't deal with any more things changing... I don't like it..."

- "Ok, nugget, I am a little worried now, so I'm going to call Lu and ask her to go to your house, ok?"

- "No, please don't"- I closed my eyes, feeling the room spinning as soon as I did- "I can tell I had a little too much to drink already, so I'll finish this glass, and I'll go to bed."

- "Are you sure?"- I knew Frank was worried, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden for my friends.

- "Definitely."

- "Ok... what if we do something this weekend?"

- "Sure! I'll be free... if no psychopath decides to ruin our fun again."- Frank chuckled, and I took another sip of my wine.

- "Ok, sounds like a plan. Now please go to bed, and whatever you do, don't do any fucking phone call while you are under the influence."

- "I don't drink and call, Paco. Trust me,"- he chuckled one more time, his laughter bringing a smile to my lips 'cos it too damn contagious not to smile, and then, we said goodnight.

I looked around my kitchen. Nothing but memories with Spencer in there too. I could almost see him sitting at the other side of the kitchen island, sipping his coffee, giving me food facts as I cooked. The only fact I was sure about at that point was that if I wanted to move on from Spencer, I was going to have to move out of that place. Actually, I would have to move cities, states, probably countries. Because I knew everything reminded me of Reid.

But that night, for once, I knew I couldn't move on. I wanted to feel Spencer close, 'cos I missed him too much. So I did all the things I knew I shouldn't. I put on one of his shirts and sweaters and took a deep breath, wrapping my arms around me as I got under the covers of my bed, thinking Spencer was there with me. His clothes still smelled like him, and it was intoxicating.

So I did the only thing I could do: I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday was a waste of a day. I had so much paperwork to catch up with, I put on my headphones and created a bubble around me because it was the only way to survive. Lucky for me, Seaver wasn't at the BAU that day. She was at the academy. Maybe that was why Spencer looked so sad. He missed her.

- "SSA (Y/L/N)"- I picked up my phone and turned around as soon as I heard Hotch's voice at the other side of the line, calling me at the end of the workday.

- "(Y/N), can you come to my office, please?"

- "Yes, sir."

I took a deep breath as I walked over, and brushed my hands against my pants, to get rid of any wrinkle or fuzz. When was the last time Hotch had called me to his office? Over a year earlier, after I had an argument with a suspect in the interrogation room. In my defense, she was striking my nerves. Ok, fine, I didn't have a reason.

- "Hi, is everything ok?"- I asked as soon as I showed up in Aaron's office.

- "Close the door, (Y/N), please."

And immediately, the knot in my stomach made me feel like I was being called into the principal's office. I turned around to do as asked and caught Spencer's eyes staring at me as he stood in the middle of the bullpen, clearly worried. And I felt so weak and moved by how concerned he looked; I did the first thing that came to mind: I smiled and waved.

- "Please, sit down,"- Aaron pointed at the chair across from him, and I did as told, again.

- "Is everything ok, Hotch?"- my question came right out of me, my lips moving before I had actually decided to speak.

- "I have been trying to find the right way to say this for the last half hour, and I am sorry, but..."

- "Oh shit! I'm fired! Why do you hate me so much?"- I jumped from my chair, and Aaron quickly followed me, trying to smother my reaction.

- "No, (Y/N). You are not fired! And no, I don't hate you! Calm down!"- I looked at him, confused and still suspicious.

- "Please, sit down. It's actually because I care about you that I didn't know how to tell you this, but I think almost five years is enough time to stay aside from what's been going on."

- "I'm sorry, Hotch, but I don't follow"- he clenched his jaw and sighed, frustrated. I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the speech because my unit chief was clearly trying to find the right words to speak his mind.

- "Listen, (Y/N). This is very hard for me to talk about. I've always tried to keep everybody's personal life aside from the FBI. Unfortunately, your relationship with Reid is starting to affect you at your work."

Clearly, that was why he was so uncomfortable. I turned blood red and looked at my hands resting on my lap. I couldn't look into Hotch's eyes.

- "I don't understand. I don't have a relationship with Spencer."

- "The fact neither of you has acted on your feelings doesn't mean you don't have a relationship."

The words came more upset than what Hotch had intended, so he took a deep breath and walked around his office for a moment.

- "After what happened to Haley, I've given too much thought to many of the decisions I've taken in the last years of my life."

I didn't know how to react to Hotch's words because of all the things I could have thought we would talk about. Listening to my unit chief open his heart and talk about his feelings was definitely not my first guess. Not even the eighth.

- "And I care about you and Reid. I don't want you to have any regrets."

- "Which regrets could I have?"- I don't know why I asked if I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

- "Spencer is in love with you, and you are in love with him. Stop running away from your feelings and face them. Sometimes you have to be courageous and take the first step."

I looked at Aaron Hotchner, almost certain the man sitting in front of me wasn't the same Aaron Hotchner who had once hired me. The man who refused to speak his heart. At least, not me. No way on earth that was Hotch.

- "I know it's strange that I tell you this, and I know I am not comfortable doing this... but... I can see that you two did something wrong, and you should try to fix it before you regret it."

For once, I couldn't argue those words. I knew the speech, but it was useless lying to Hotch. He could see through all my bullshit.

- "I... don't think he feels the same as I do,"- I whispered and kept my eyes on my hands, feeling how my cheeks blushed immediately.

- "You are wrong. You two have been nonsensical, and if I can be sincere, it's getting painful to watch- I winced in a mix of embarrassment and frustration."

- "Hotch... it's not that easy. I don't know if you noticed, but Ashley is the girl who caught his attention."

- "It's the lies that we keep telling ourselves that define what we are instead of who we can really be."- he sentenced, shaking his head- "He loves you. But for the last few weeks, you two have been acting like you are twelve years old."

- "I don't think you are getting all the info straight. I mean... I have tried to tell him."

- "No, you have tried to teach a blind man how to recognize colors,"- now that was Hotch frustrated. He was clearly awkward but also upset I wasn't following his ideas.

- "I'm pretty sure he is with Seaver."

- "He asked never to be paired with Seaver,"- Hotch refuted, frowning. Now that was new information. But I kept refusing to admit anything.

- "Probably not to be suspicious or to make sure his head was in the job."

- "His request was literally: "I don't want to give (Y/N) any sign I like Seaver, 'cos I don't."

Hotch looked at me in silence as I tried to process what he had just said. I couldn't believe it, but at the same time, you can't ever doubt Hotch.

- "Why would he do such a thing?"

- "You have to ask him."

- "Maybe he just doesn't want anyone suspicious about what they have."

- "Why is it so hard to believe? He loves you!"

I opened my mouth to argue with my boss when Anderson knocked on the door and excused himself.

- "Strauss sent you this, sir. She said it's urgent."- Grant said and cut me a small smile before disappearing from the room.

- "Thank you, Anderson."- Hotch said as he went through the papers and sighed.

- "You are busy,"- I inferred and stood up- "We can continue... whatever this was some other time if you'd like."

I stood up, seeing a clear way out of that awkward conversation. I wasn't sure I could open my heart with him.

- "One more thing, (Y/N)"- Hotch said as I stood up and almost ran to the door.

- "What is it?"

- "Tell him how you feel, or I'll have to take action myself."

- "What kind of actions?"

- "Let's hope we don't get to that point."

Hotch's face was severe. He wasn't joking. I just nodded and walked out of his office, scared of what would happen if I ever told Spencer how I felt. But now I was being forced to. That wasn't good.

I looked around, Morgan was packing his things to leave, and Spencer was on the phone, walking to the elevators. Probably he had a date with Ashley, and he was calling her to tell her he was picking her up. I sighed, exhausted, and shook my head.

- "What is it, pretty girl?"- Morgan cut me a warm smile as I reached his side and sighed.

- "I am so tired. I just wanna go home and get under the blankets of my bed with a warm cup of tea and a book."

- "Damn! That sounds thrilling! When is your big date?"- I frowned, groaning. I had totally forgotten about that date.

- "Tomorrow... I'm kind of hoping we get called on a case so I can cancel..."

- "Why?"- Derek looked at me as I started getting ready to go home.

- "'Cos... I don't feel like going."

- "Then don't,"- his answer was so simple I almost laughed.

- "Yeah... I have to go. Did you see the books that guy sent me?"

- "But that doesn't mean you have to go out on a date. You are not forced to do it just 'cos he sent you a present."

- "I know... but I don't know... maybe I'm just too tired and not thinking clearly."

- "Well, go to sleep, pretty girl. And tomorrow, depending on how you are feeling, you can cancel that date. I know someone who would be thrilled to know you won't go out with some guy."

I just shook my head and put on my jacket. I knew he was talking about Reid, but I wasn't in the mood to keep on talking about him with other teammates. Hotch's pep talk had been enough.

- "See you tomorrow, Derek."

Spencer's point of view

My heart dropped as soon as Hotch called (Y/N) to his office. The last time he had done that, she had gotten into trouble with an unsub. She lost her temper in the interrogation room and almost hit the suspect. Had she done something? Was she in trouble? The fact she smiled and waved at me before closing the door made me feel actually worse. Maybe she knew she was in trouble.

I kept looking over from time to time, trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening inside Hotch's office, but I gave up after a few minutes because it was impossible.

I still couldn't shake the thought of (Y/N) being in trouble from my head.

- "Dr. Spencer Reid,"- I answered the phone and didn't take my eye from Hotch's door.

- "Hey Doc, Frank here. How are you?"

- "Hey! Good, how are you?"

- "Good, I was just thinking, is (Y/N) around?"

- "No, she is not. Why? She is with our chief unit... Do you need to reach her?"

- "No. Are you busy tonight?"

- "No, why?"

- "I need to talk to you. Alone."

- "Is everything ok?"- of course, it wasn't. Frank had never called to meet alone unless we were planning (Y/N)'s a surprise birthday party.

- "Yeah, don't worry. I just need to talk to you..."

- "Well... I'm heading home now."

- "Great, I just got off the plane... I can meet you there in an hour if that's ok with you."

- "Sure, see you there."

I had never been so nervous about talking with Frank before. Not even when we first met, and I freaked out thinking of any excuse to avoid going to (Y/N)'s apartment. The memories of that day filled my mind the whole way back home. That was the first time I had ever gotten drunk in my entire life, and I never told that to anyone. I always felt people thought I was a loser, and I didn't want to give them any more reasons to do it. But neither Mikey nor Frank ever laughed at me, though they were clearly cooler than I was. They would have never been my friends in high school.

Were they going to be my friends if (Y/N) and I stopped talking to each other? Of course not. What was going to happen between us? I had no idea, and the headaches overanalyzing everything produced me were driving me insane.

- "Hey man,"- Frank walked in and tapped on my back the second he showed up at my door.

- "How was your flight? Where were you?"

- "New York, applying for a job, but didn't get it,"- he took off his jacket and left it on a chair, as he had always done, despite the fact the hat rack was right next to the door.

- "I'm sorry, Frank."

- "That's ok. It wasn't for me."

- "I was gonna get something for dinner. Wanna join me?"

- "No, this won't take too long, I just..."

Frank sighed and looked at me, standing in the middle of my apartment. He was a little shorter than I was, so I had to look down at him, but that could never affect the fact he could kick my ass. I always knew that about him and Frank. In fact, I had seen them get into small fights a few times in the years I had met them.

And the way Frank looked at me that minute let me know he was actually considering hitting me.

- "Why are you mad at me?"

- "Don't profile me! I hate when you and (Y/N) start doing your Jedi shit."

- "I'm sorry, but... you are clearly not happy with me so, why don't you just say it?"

- "Ok, fine. What the fuck is wrong with you?"- Frank simply replied and crossed his arms on his chest.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You have a girlfriend."

- "What? How do you... I don't!"- Frank just shook his head and started talking, not giving me a chance to explain I wasn't dating anyone.

- "Maybe this is my fault. Lu and Mikey kept telling me you had to tell her what you felt at your own peace! But four fucking years are enough to make up your fucking mind!! We were all sure you loved her, 'cos you did, right? I mean, as long as I know, you still do! I saw you less than a month ago, and you two were fucking husband a wife, for Christ's sake!!"

Frank was now almost yelling at me, and I still didn't understand a word that came from his lips.

- "Frank, what are you talking about?"

- "She fucking loves you!! And we were all waiting for you to date her!! Maybe even marry her!! But now you fucking ruined everything dating someone else! And she is fucking broken hearted!! You fucking hurt her!"- Frank yelled, his nostrils were flaring, and he even cracked his knuckles.

- "Frank, I don't really follow what you are saying, but I can assure you, I am not dating."

- "She already told me everything! You made her cry!!"

- "Who?"- I was so lost in that conversation I wasn't sure I followed him.

- "(Y/N)!! You broke her heart! And now I'm gonna have to break your bones!!"- the way Frank threatened me sounded funny, but it wasn't, at all, why? 'Cos I knew he meant it.

- "Wait!!"- I took a few steps back and raised my hands in a sign of defeat- "Stop it! I am not dating anyone!"

- "Don't lie to me, man. That will just make shit worst."

- "I am not lying! I'm just confused about all this... why would you say I'm dating."

- "(Y/N) told me yesterday."

I stared at Frank, speechless. My eidetic memory going a hundred miles, trying to find a moment in time that gave (Y/N) the impression I had a girlfriend.

- "But... I am not."

- "Then who is Agent Seaver?"- I froze and widened my eyes as Frank crossed his arms on his chest one more time and didn't move his eyes from mine.

- "Oh shit!!"- the curse was a whisper Frank read as a confirmation.

- "And you thought you could keep it from her?"

- "What? No! I am not dating Seaver! I don't even like her!!"- and for the first time since we started arguing, Frank gave me the chance to talk.

- "And why would (Y/N) say that?"

- "I have no idea!!! She hasn't spoken to me this whole week!! Not since I saw her making out with that random guy last Friday."

- "What?! She did what?!"- I feel like a blabbermouth telling Frank what her friend had done, but in my defense, (Y/N) had given him wrong information, and I had to set the record straight.

- "Can you explain to me what the fuck is going on between you two? 'Cos she didn't mention any of that!"

- "Beer?"

Ever since Frank and Mikey were my friends, I always had beers in my fridge. I didn't drink much, but I liked being ready in case they showed up. And they did, 'cos they were my friends.

I stood next to the fridge in the kitchen and took a sip of my beer. Frank stared at me from the other side of the room and waited for my explanation. So I tried to start from the very beginning.

- "I don't know why (Y/N) thinks I'm dating Ashley Seaver, but I am not. I barely talk to her."

- "Who is she?"

- "A young agent Emily is training in the BAU... she and (Y/N) don't get along from the start 'cos Seaver's dad killed Mrs. (Y/L/N)'s sister back in college."

- "What?!"- Frank was in shock.

- "Yeah, it's been pretty awkward since day one."

- "And what? She tried to apologize, and (Y/N) nearly killed her?"

- "That was day one. Everything went downhill from there. But I don't get why she thinks we are dating. I barely talk to Seaver. I specifically asked our unit chief not to pair me with her at any case or task to make sure (Y/N) wouldn't think I liked her."

- "Clearly, that didn't work,"- Frank pointed out the obvious and grabbed his phone- "We should ask (Y/N) why..."

- "No!! Please don't!! I don't want her to know we are talking about this,"- I almost choked on the beer when I heard him say that and nearly jumped to take the phone from his hand.

- "Why?"- I didn't have a reason. I just didn't want to do anything that might actually make things worse.

- "Because..."- I didn't pronounce another sentence. I literally deflated after just one word.

- "Shit, that's deep,"- Frank joked and sipped his beer- "If you are not dating Seaver, why haven't you told (Y/N) you love her?"

I opened my mouth to argue but stopped in my tracks and simply shrugged. It felt useless to deny it anymore. Apparently, everybody could see it but (Y/N). And if she did see it, then it just meant one thing:

- "Because she doesn't love me back. Now she is the one dating some random guy she met at a party."

- "The one she kissed Friday?"- Frank raised an eyebrow as I just nodded- "She probably did that out of anger is she thought you were dating Seaver."

- "You didn't see her, Frank. She didn't look hurt at all. She actually looked like she was enjoying it."

- "Well... I didn't see her, and you are right about that. But I've seen her for the last... five years or so. She loves you. You should ask her out on a date, finally."

- "Why would she go out with me?"- I asked, embarrassed of facing my feelings so openly in front of Frank. But he just shrugged and said.

- "I just said so, 'cos she loves you."

Now that was just painful to hear, especially 'cos Frank actually meant it.

- "She doesn't."- I whispered and sipped my beer.

- "Sorry, but I wasn't asking you if you thought she loved you. I am telling you, she does. Now, if you don't want to believe it, that's an entirely different story.

The way Frank looked at me, saying everything so lightly, like it wasn't a big deal at all, shocked me. He had always been upfront about pretty much everything since day one. But still, that day, I wasn't prepared for that. I stayed quiet, looking at the floor, not knowing what to say.

- "Shit! You really don't believe she has feelings for you!! Are you blind?!"

- "Frank, she is my best friend in the whole world. I don't want to lose her..."

- "Why would you lose her? Just 'cos you love her?"

- "If she doesn't feel the same... and I tell her how I feel..."- I started mumbling, but Frank snorted, frustrated.

- "She is so fucking in love with you; it's hard not making fun of it!! She way she looks at you, how she is always worried about you!"

- "She does the same for you, guys."

- "I've met that woman since when we were kids, and believe me, she has never treated us the way she treats you. We are still waiting for her to bake us birthday cakes. She bakes yours every year. Last year's cake was sick! She fucking made the whole Tell-tale heart scene on your fucking cake and hid a heart in the middle of it!! You know what she did for my birthday? She wrapped the guitar strings she got me. That was it. If that doesn't tell you how in love she is with you, I've got a fucking list of things she has done for you all these years! So fucking deal with it and tell her what you feel!"

- "I can't! I just can't do that!"- I yelled back at Frank, for once opening up about what I really felt- "Every time I look at her, and she smiles, my whole brain turns to mush! I can't tell her I love her 'cos she will laugh. A girl like her deserves everything a man can give her! Have you seen me? She deserves so much better!!"

I'm not gonna lie. It felt good finally saying what I felt out loud. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. Frank just walked over and tapped on my back a few times, nodding.

- "She fucking loves you! You should be with her! That's it! Why are you overthinking this?!"

- "'Cos I don't wanna ruin it!"

- "You two have wasted like four years! I told her I wanted you two to date since the day I fucking met you! She had to ditch Paul and date you! But she is so fucking convinced you don't love her, she is..."

- "What?"- my heart stopped at those words- "Did she say so?"

- "She did, in fact, yell to me I had to stop telling her you loved her 'cos she knew it was a lie, and that's why she was in so much pain. When did that happen, you ask? Fucking yesterday, so don't come here and tell me she is dating some random guy she kissed at a party when she is clearly in love with you."

I don't know how to explain what that felt like. It was heartbreaking and, at the same time... encouraging?

- "She loves me?"- I asked Frank, still not fully understanding our conversation.

- "Doc, she fucking went behind your boss's back to stay with you in Las Vegas to help you figure out the case of a kid you thought your dad had killed. She fought Gideon when he told her she was a bad influence for you. She hates Lila Archer's movies because of you. I've seen her yell at the tv!"

- "What?"- that was too much information.

- "Just please, fix this shit and tell her you love her"

- "How?"- I honestly asked 'cos I didn't know how to do that. Frank frowned and finished his beer, leaving the bottle on the counter.

- "I don't know, man. Give her a romantic speech about what a big ass you've been all this time thinking she didn't feel the same, ask her to forgive you, and fucking kiss her!!"

- "Ok... how do I do that?"

- "I don't know, doc! You are the genius here!"

- "Actually, I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified... and I have no idea what to do..."

- "Yeah, clearly, this is not your forte. I'll give you that"- I shook my head as Frank stared at me, finally a smile curling on his lips.

- "You know everything she likes. There's no way you can go wrong. Just go to her house and tell her the words she wants to hear: I love you."

I nodded and tried to engrave those simple instructions in my head 'cos I knew I was going to ruin it: go there, say I love you. That was it. It was simple. I could do that. Right?

- "Do you need a ride?"- Frank asked and threw me my jacket.

- "Yes... I think I do."

- "Ok, doc, let's do this!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

I held my cup of tea with both hands and smiled, finally relaxing. That was just what I needed after a long miserable day. I sat on the couch, resting my feet on the table right in front of me, and sighed.

- "Sure, make yourself home."- Lu joked as she walked over with a bowl of popcorn and sat by my side.

- "Hey! I took off my shoes! I know you hate it when I leave footprints on your furniture."

- "How considered!!"- Lu joked as I grinned - "You should definitely come more often then."

- "I promise I will..."

- "And when are you gonna talk to the doc?"- I simply shrugged and focused on the tv in front of me.

- "(Y/N), you do realize you just spent two hours finally coming to your senses, right? I don't care if it's 'cos your boss is pushing you to do it. You have to tell Spencer you love him."

I pouted and groaned, but I knew she was right.

- "First, I have to cancel my date with James."

- "Yeah, do that now."

- "No, I don't wanna face reality today. I'll call him tomorrow around noon. I'm gonna tell him I'm on a case out of town, and I won't be able to make it for dinner."

- "Why don't you just tell him you are not interested 'cos you are in love with your best friend?"- I looked at Lu and widened my eyes- "Oh, come on!! We already passed the initial shock. We all knew you've been in love with Spencer for what seems to be ages!! I knew you loved him since you have him the scarf you knitted."

- "That was ages ago!"- I smiled and sighed- "He still wears it every winter"

- "Of course, he does, 'cos he loves you."

- "Do you really think he does?"

- "Are you serious? That man has been crazy for you since day one! He has been unconditional to you! You two can talk about your nerdy things for hours! Watching you is actually endearing. I had never seen two people just looking at each other with such love before! So please! Just do the right thing and tell him you love him."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I had concluded I had to tell Spencer I loved him because Hotch was right; it was affecting my work. I had to put an end to all that nonsense. Lu kept telling me Spencer would tell me he loved me too, but I was sure he wouldn't. Still, each time she tried to convince me, she made a point.

- "And he took you to Hawaii."

- "He didn't even touch me."

- "So? He hates the beach! The man hates the sun, the sand, and the seawater, and what did he do? He took you for ten days to a resort to the beach 'cos that's what you wanted."

- "His doctor told him the sea breeze was good for his lungs after the whole anthrax incident."

- "Anthrax, my ass! He wanted to make you happy, no matter if that meant being miserable for ten days. If that shit ain't love, then I have no idea what it is!!"

Lu was mad. She had cursed. I looked at her and just nodded.

- "And when you two have your first kid, I wanna be the godmother."

- "Lu, aren't you going a little fast?"

- "No. You two have been too slow with our confessions, so it's time someone speeds this up."

I drove back home around midnight. I was weary, and my body needed a good six hours of sleep after that miserable day. But I knew I wasn't going to get much rest. The idea of telling Spencer how I really felt was too scary, and I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with the plan. I didn't even have a plan. I just knew I had to do it before Hotch took the matter into his hands. Whatever that meant.

It was sad getting to my empty apartment. It felt cold and impersonal. I missed having Spencer around. We hadn't talked in a week, and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. If things didn't go well, I thought I could get a cat. I had always wanted one but never actually decided to take the big step and adopt one. I could go to the shelter and get a kitty.

I poured myself one last cup of tea and walked to my bedroom. Spencer's shirt I had worn as a pajama the night before was still on my bed, and I guessed there was no harm if I wore it again. I got under the covers and wrapped my own arms around my waist. I wondered if there would be a day when Spencer would cuddle me to sleep in our shared bed. Not like friends, like we had done so many times. It was embarrassing to think how many of those nights I had fallen asleep pretending Spencer was my boyfriend.

- "I am in love with you."- I whispered and sighed, closing my eyes.

What would Spencer do if I ever said those terrifying words out loud? I could almost see him freaking out in front of me. He wouldn't know what to do or what to say. If he didn't love me back, he would try to find the most careful way to reject me. He would reassure me he loved me, just not like that. But our friendship would be ruined anyway. I could never see him in the eyes after feeling his rejection. If he didn't love me, I was going to lose my best friend.

Sometimes, I felt Spencer was my soulmate. Lu was right; I had denied my feelings for too long. Had I wasted years of happiness with my honey bunny? Was it too late to tell him how I really felt?

I practiced my speech until two in the morning, rolling in my cold bed, alone, until I finally fell asleep. At seven am, I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I got ready for the day. That Friday was the day I was going to tell Spencer I loved him. I had to look my best. So I put on a lovely dress that always made me feel pretty, though I couldn't find my matching and favorite silk scarf. I did my hair nicely and put on a decent amount of makeup, primarily to hide the big dark rings under my eyes.

I stopped by Spencer's favorite coffee shop on my way to work and got him a cup of coffee and a box of donuts. I took a deep breath as I got out of my car and reminded myself I was doing the right thing. My plan was simple: I was going to give Spencer the coffee and the donuts as an apology for not talking to him in the lastest days. I was going to cancel my date with James, and I was going to ask Spencer out. Maybe like a date, and confess my true feelings for him.

But my plan was ruined before I even reached the main building. I walked through the parking lot and saw Spencer getting out of Ashley's car, holding a cup of coffee. They looked like the lovely young couple they were, after getting breakfast together... after spending the night together...

My broken heart kept breaking as I stared at the scene from a safe distance. I was right. I was too late to fight for Spencer. I had wasted all the chances I had ever had to be with him, and now I couldn't ruin his happiness. If he wanted to be with Ashley, I had to do the right thing and get out of his way.

I hurried up inside the main building and rushed into the elevator. I took deep breaths, trying to hold the tears inside. Whatever happened, I was not going to let Spencer see me cry. I grabbed the box of donuts and the coffee and hesitated when I reached the bullpen. Hotch was already in his office, talking with Rossi. I looked around, knowing Reid was about to get in there with Ashley, and I needed to hide from them.

- "I'm so glad you are here!!"- Penelope turned from her computer, surprised to see me rushing into her office.

- "Hey, munchkin!"

- "How is my favorite tech genius this morning? I got you breakfast!"- I could pretend to be hyper and happy, right?

- "And I love you so much!!"- Penelope smiled and grabbed the coffee- "Smells... delicious!"

- "Only the best for my dearest friend"- she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Of course!! I had a good night of sleep, and tonight, if no fucking psycho killers ruin my day, I am going to have a date with a hot guy who is so into me. He already sent me an expensive present, which by no means makes me feel pressured, not even a little! No!"

I freaked out immediately, thinking I had a date with a guy I didn't even like.

- "Ok, baby, sit down"- Penelope tapped on the chair next to her and looked at me with worried eyes- "Are you getting cold feet about this date?"

- "I just... I don't know how I feel about that date. I was ready to cancel, and now... I think I just should go."

I definitely wasn't telling Garcia what had happened earlier; how I was going to tell Spencer I love him until I saw him in Ashley's car. Why? Well, first, I didn't want to cry at work. Second, she would say I had to tell Spencer how I felt. And third, she would tell Morgan.

Penelope sipped her coffee and frowned. Still, she didn't say a word. Instead, she looked right into my eyes and whispered.

- "If you don't wanna go out with him, you don't have to."

- "I know. I just wish I wanted to... do you know what I mean?"

- "I do... "- Garcia nodded and sighed- "Munchkin, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, really."

- "Thank you"- I rested my head on her shoulder and just sighed. We both stayed quiet for a moment until my dear friend questioned.

- "Why did you give me Spencer's coffee?"

- "Wh... what?"- I felt so caught I actually stuttered.

- "This is not almond milk. This is filled with dairy, both milk, and cream... and the amount of sugar in this is..."

- "Oh, please!! Can you just pretend I fooled you?!"- I was mortified- "It's fucking eight in the morning, and the day has already turned as awful as it could be."

- "Come on, baby"- Garcia tried to soothe me- "You know life can always get worse, so let's start by being honest. Why didn't you give Spencer the breakfast you got for him?"

- "For not being a profiler, you are creepy good reading people, you know?"

- "Yes, I am a genius. You should have noticed that earlier in life. That wasn't so bright from you, profiler,"- she teased, trying to make me laugh. And I actually chuckled.

- "Good, I got a smile. Now, tell me what happened."

- "But I don't wanna cry at work... and Hotch already called me out for being unprofessional about this whole Spencer's thing."

- "What? When?"

- "Yesterday, he said I have to tell Spencer what I actually feel for him, or he is gonna take matters into his hands."

- "What did he mean by that?"

- "I have no idea! But it sounded serious,"- I sighed, defeated, and sipped my coffee- "So after zero sleeping for days and a very awkward talk with our unit chief, plus the threats from one of my closest friends, I had decided to tell Spencer that I..."

I couldn't even say it

- "What I feel for him, today."

- "Today?! With this breakfast I am eating?"- and of course, PG freaked out.

- "Well, I was going to give him food as an offering for ignoring him this week... then I was going to ask him out tonight, and that's when I wanted to tell him... but..."

I paused and took a deep breath, doing my best not to cry. I really didn't want to show how hurt I was, though I was almost sure my dear friend Garcia could see it clearly in my eyes.

- "Just please, don't tell Morgan."

- "My adorable munchkin, I don't tell everything about you and our resident genius to Derek!"

- "Yeah, but... I just... feel so..."

- "Good morning, Garcia!"- I bit my lips as soon as I heard Ashley's voice storming into my friend's office- "I brought you coffee!"

Penelope held my hand and squeezed it as soon as she noticed my mood shift.

- "Hi!"- and my dear friend was so awkward it could have actually been fun if I wasn't so angry.

- "Oh, hi (Y/N), I didn't know you were here already..."

- "Yeah, we were having breakfast, actually,"- I pointed at our coffees and donuts, and Ashley nodded, blushing.

- "Sorry... I didn't know you were here... I didn't get you any..."

- "No, don't worry, Ashley. It's not like you know you I actually work here too,"- I wasn't even trying to be polite with her anymore. I hated her. Hotch was going to be so mad...

Seaver just stared at us and nodded in silence. Then, she turned around and left, closing the door behind her back. I groaned and nearly hit my head against the desk.

- "Wow, you are not even pretending for the cameras."

- "That was me trying not to kill her, actually. If she walked out on her own, then it was a very successful encounter."

- "What the hell, (Y/N)?"

- "I was gonna tell him, and then I saw him getting out of her car in the parking lot..."

- "Spencer Reid?!"- Penelope freaked out. I just nodded- "Dr. Spencer Reid?? The nerd in love with you? Getting out of her car?"

- "And carrying breakfast, like a lovely young couple. I bet they banged last night."

- "No way!"

- "Why not?!"

- "Because he loves you, and no one calls it "bang" anymore!" Where have you been?"

- "Penelope!"- my friend smiled at me and offered me a donut, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and resting her head against mine.

- "My dearest munchkin. Don't let this stop you. You were on a mission this morning."

- "They banged, fucked, had sex, call it what you want!! I am not telling Reid anything!! And I guess I'm going out with James tonight 'cos... if I don't, I'm gonna die alone, and my cat is gonna eat me!!"

I was nonsensical. I knew it. But there was nothing that could stop me from being absurd. I was scared and hurt. I actually thought I was going to go crazy.

I stayed with Penelope for a while, trying to cool my head. I didn't want to snap with Seaver again. I knew it had been a mistake. I saved Hotch a donut and asked him if I could work in JJ's old office. I told him I wanted to concentrate and that I really needed the time alone. Of course, he could see through my bullshit.

- "I told you, if you don't fix things with Reid, I am going to intervene."

- "I am going to do it, sir. Just... after I get all this paperwork done. I'll talk to him this weekend."- I looked into Hotch's eyes, trying my best to lie correctly. Do you have any idea what lying to the best profiler in the FBI felt like? It was mission impossible.

- "Good, (Y/N). I'm glad to know you've made the right decision."

- "Thank you, sir."

Spencer's point of view

After I got out of Frank's car, holding a bouquet of flowers, I forced him to help me get in our way over. It took me almost half an hour to walk from the sidewalk to the door of (Y/N)'s building.

- "I am in love with you,"- I whispered and shook my head, knowing she deserved better than that simple confession. I took the stairs, trying to improve my speech.

- "I have always been in love with you, from the minute I first saw you,"- I whispered and wiped off the sweat from my hands against the fabric of my jacket. It sounded terrible. I knew I was going to get it all wrong.

- "What am I doing?"- I stopped in my tracks before I reached her floor- I can't do this.

I literally froze and felt sick in my stomach. I couldn't do that. What was I doing? How had I let Frank talk to me into doing something so stupid? What was I getting into? I couldn't do it.

For a minute or so, I stood in the middle of the stairs, not able to move or formulate a single coherent thought. I was trying to

But if I didn't, and she loved me... I was going to lose everything I had ever dreamed of and that I never imagined I could have. No, I had to do it. I had to tell (Y/N) I loved her. And I had to do it that day. "Your head is spinning because it's full of ghosts," I remembered Julio's words and took a deep breath.

I ran the last steps of the stairs and reached her door, panting. But I didn't wait. I knocked on her door and waited.

- (Y/N), it's Spencer. Are you home?- but nothing. So I knocked again.

- Chipmonk, please open the door. I know I've been an asshole this whole week, but I need to talk to you. There is something you should know.

But nothing. Just silence. I knocked a few more times and patiently waited. No answer. I thought about it for a second and took the key she had given me years ago in case of any emergency. I had ended up using that key a million times, not really for many emergencies. I used it to prepare her surprise birthday party many times or come in when she knew I was coming. Or when I stayed over for the weekend, and it was my turn to pick up something from the store. So that day, I used it and opened her door.

Walking into (Y/N)'s apartment felt like walking into her arms. It smelled like her, and it felt like home. I took a look around, calling out her name. But she wasn't there.

Her place was kind of messy. There were many blankets on the couch and some clothes lying around. Man's clothes. For a moment, my heart sank. I thought maybe James was spending time there too. But soon, I realized...It was my clothes. I walked into her room and saw her unmade bed. My old red sweater was on her pillow, and some of the shirts she liked were close as well.

Why was she surrounded by my things? Did she... miss me that much? Could it be Frank was actually right? She loved me and missed me? I looked around and tried to find confirmation, though I felt overwhelmed by emotion at the moment.

(Y/N) loved me. There was a chance she actually loved me the way I did.

I fell on her bed and contained tears that almost started falling down my eyes. There might be a chance she loved me, and I refused to ruin it. She couldn't find me in her house out of the blue. She deserved better than that. She deserves the world. So I quickly collected all my things and walked to the door to think of a better way to confess my undying love. Undying, cheesy, and yet, honest.

But before I was out, I walked back to her room and opened her closet. If she had all my clothes to think of me, I wanted a souvenir too. My eyes traveled quickly through all the items hanging until her purple satin scarf caught my eye. I loved how she looked on it, and it smelled like her. I hid it in my pocket and walked out of her apartment.

Not even the tiny bouquet of flowers I had gotten her seemed to be enough. Frank said she'd love them, but... it just wasn't good enough for her.

I had a lot of planning to do. And I have no idea where to start. I had high standards to beat. After all, I had read all of the romantic books (Y/N) had in her house and seen all the romantic comedies she loved. All of those more than ten times. So... how was I going to do it? Was I going to pour my heart out to her in the most romantic way possible and finish with:

- "I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him,"- I said out loud as I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee.

No. That didn't feel right. It had to be better. Who was (Y/N)'s biggest love reference? Mr. Darcy. How had he done it? Well... he didn't do it right the first time, so he started making amends with a letter. I could begin with a letter. After all, I had written (Y/N) many love letters I had never given her in all those years. Letters that contained all my feelings for her as a way of letting it out of my chest. But they were never meant for her to see.

I sat at my desk and grabbed my favorite pen. But before I could actually start writing, I noticed I needed music, romantic music, for inspiration. I picked the same Amy Winehouse vinyl record I had been listening to for the last couple of days and walked back to my seat.

Writing a love letter wasn't easy. Putting facts into words, that's a task I can complete, no questions asked. But that Thursday night, I struggled with every sentence I created. I wasn't a writer and neither a man who had any kind of experience with love or being in love. Less with confessing such feelings. But I had to give my best.

Around one in the morning, I finished the third version of that letter. Frank had texted me to know if things had gone well, but I told him she wasn't home.

- "Don't worry, Paco,"- I said and smiled while holding her silk scarf- "Tomorrow is the day."

My wristwatch said four in the morning when I stopped painting and decided to get into bed. I had to get at least two hours of sleep. Not that (Y/N) had never seen my insomniac face before, but I needed to, at least try, to look presentable for her. After writing, my mind was flooded with emotion, and I couldn't stop thinking about everything we've been through all those years together. (Y/N) and I. we had been best friends for so long, yet, I could now see our friendship had always been a little different. We were closer... sidekicks... lovers without kissing. I needed to feel her hand in mine. Her arms around me. But it was only a few more hours.

Was she going to like me in the morning? I felt butterflies in my stomach just with the idea of confessing my feelings. I set everything ready and went to bed. I barely had the energy to put on my pajamas and turn off the lights. (Y/N)'s scarf wrapped softly on my wrist.

I frowned, baffled and lost, when I opened the door the following morning and found Ashley at the other side.

- "Can I talk to you for a moment?"- she whispered and handed me a fresh cup of coffee- "I brought you a peace offering for being so obnoxious the other day."

It was clear Ashley was honest, and she was embarrassed about her behavior. Otherwise, she wouldn't have shown up at my door. So I smiled and nodded, trying to show her I wasn't mad at her.

- "Water under the bridge"- I whispered and held the coffee she gave me. No milk, no cream, no sugar. Just like (Y/N) liked it. Ashley noticed how I prepared coffee at the BAU but never realized I wasn't making myself a cup. I was making (Y/N)'s.

- "I am very embarrassed... and I really like working with you... regardless of everything I said. I don't..."

- "We can pretend that never happened,"- I interrupted her, and she just smiled and nodded.

- "I would like that. I am sorry I was rude... Do you want a ride to work? We are a little late."

I thought about it for a second. I wanted to stop by and get (Y/N) more flowers, but we were late, and I wasn't planning on telling her how I felt until later that night.

- "Sure, let's go."

(Y/N) was nowhere to be found that day, and that immediately got me on my nerves. Her things were on her desk, but she wasn't there.

- "Hey García, have you seen (Y/N)?"- I walked in and watched her stay still, shocked.

- "Hello there, Dr. Reid. How are you today? Nice to see you too."

- "Sorry!"- I cut her an awkward smile and waved- "Hi! How are you?"

- "The damage is already done, Dr. Reid. Clearly, you are not here looking for my companionship."

- "Sorry, I just haven't seen (Y/N) today. You?"

- "Yes, my pretty chipmunk was here earlier, and that's all I know. Why?"- Garcia raised an eyebrow and looked into my eyes- "Why are you so interested in her?"

I didn't know if it was because I had spent most of the night planning to confess (Y/N) my feelings, but Penelope's question sounded suspicious. I tried to act normal and just frowned.

- "I just wanted to know if she was here 'cos I haven't seen her around."

- "She had work to do, and I think she had a meeting with Hotch."

- "Again?!"- I couldn't help but raise my voice, scared of the idea of (Y/N) being scolded by Hotch for two days in a row.

- "But she had a meeting with him yesterday!"- I argued, but Garcia just shrugged.

- "That's all I know. Also, she brought donuts"- I stared at her dish. Chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles. My favorites.

- "Do you know if she... got one of those for me?"

- "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"- Garcia questioned back and raised an eyebrow

- "I would, but I don't know where she is."

- "Besides... didn't you have breakfast already?"

- "There's always room for a donut... for my favorite donut."

Penelope raised an eyebrow, trying to read beyond my words. Was I just talking about donuts, or was I talking about (Y/N)? Did she actually mean breakfast? Of course, she did. Garcia wasn't implying anything else! I was just overthinking everything!

Right?

- "I'll see if she is still with Hotch."

- "Hey, Reid"- Penelope called out my name when I was about to reach the door- "When you see her, you should tell her it's her breakfast you are interested in. No other."

I stared at Garcia and opened my mouth. But no word came from it. I just know I blushed and nodded, leaving her office soon after.

But I didn't find (Y/N) during that whole day. And it was both frustrating and nerve-wracking. The letter I wrote her kept burning me, as I felt it in my jacket's pocket, beating like a second heart. I wasted a whole paperwork day trying to concentrate, but I couldn't. I managed to get the least work done in years, 'cos my mind focused on her. On (Y/N). In her absence.

By the end of the day, I had lost all hope of finding her around and did what all desperate men would do. I waited by her car in the parking lot.

Around six-thirty, I heard her shoes approaching the vehicle, and my heart stopped when I saw her eyes in mind, nearly shocked to find me there.

- "Hi"- that was all I managed to say. My voice was a whisper that even I barely heard.

- "What are you doing here?"

- "I was waiting for you. I thought it was obvious."

I smiled and tried to ease her mood. But it didn't work. She looked so mad at me, though those few words were the longest conversation we had shared in over a week. Why was she mad at me? Was it too cheesy to tell her she looked adorable when she was mad? Of course, it was. I still took a mental note to tell her that later on. Maybe later that same evening if things went well.

- "Why?"- (Y/N) frowned and opened her car, and threw her purse in the back seat.

- "I wanted to talk to you."

- "I can't, Spencer. I am late,"- she called me by my name, and that reality check hurt me.

- "Late for your date with James?"

- "I don't feel like talking about that with you. Goodbye, Spencer."

- "Wait. (Y/N), stop."- I held her arm and felt her whole body shiver under my touch. I would have held her longer, but she pulled her arm from my grip and frowned- "Why are you so mad at me?"

- "Mad? I am not mad!"- I know she was a good liar, but she was so mad her whole body language gave it away, along with her high-pitched voice.

- "I think you are... Why?"- I tried to move closer, but she crossed her arms on her chest and stood next to the opened passenger door. Ready to escape.

- "I am just in a hurry, Spencer. That's it."

There it was, the confirmation of her anger. My name, leaving her lips with fury. I wanted to hold her. I needed to feel her close, with a desperation I had never experienced before. I was craving for her. And there she was, right in front of me, refusing to even look at me.

- "Can you just... give me a chance to talk to you?"- my words came as a whisper, almost as a beg.

- "Isn't someone else waiting for you?"

- "Me? No. No one,"- I answered, confused by what she was implying- "I just need to talk to you. Please."

- "Sorry, I'm late. But... maybe..."- (Y/N) hesitated and looked at someone else walking close to us. I didn't even bother. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

- "Would you... would you take this?"- I held the letter and gave it to her. She hesitated before taking it, and my heart nearly burst at the thought of her holding my love confession in her hands.

- "What's this?"

- "Can you read it?"- but it only lasted for a second. (Y/N) shook her head and gave me back my letter.

- "Not now, I'm late."

- "(Y/N), please."

- "No, Reid. I can't read this now. I am late."

- "Please, (Y/N). I need to tell you something."

- "And I need to leave. So, bye."

(Y/N) slipped through my fingers like water. I stayed still, staring at her as she disappeared, and cursed myself under my breath for being so petrified to act. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated with myself.

- "I love you. I don't want you to go out with him. You should be with me."

It was liberating to say those words out loud even though she wasn't there to listen.

- "Nice kid. Now next time, say it when she can hear you."

I recognized Morgan's voice behind me. And I guess I could have felt embarrassed if I wasn't so frustrated already. And most of all, so mad at myself. I had practiced. I had tried. I knew what I had to say. But when I was with her, I just couldn't. And now he was out there on her way to date another man.

I felt Derek's hand on my shoulder, tapping on it a few times. I sighed and nodded.

- "Come on. First-round is on me."

It only took Morgan two rounds to get me talking. To be fair, I wanted to speak. He had already heard what I wanted (Y/N) to know.

- "I just wanna tell her I love her. I need to tell her what I feel for her 'cos now I can see there might be a chance she loves me too."

- "Might be a chance?"- Morgan frowned and shook his head- "Kid, that woman is head over feet in love with you. And she has been for years. I just can't believe you've wasted all these years!!"

- "I can't believe I am sitting here with you when she is out there on a date with some other man!!"- I nearly yelled and drank what was left of my third whisky, immediately raising my hand, asking for another round. Derek raised an eyebrow as he stared at me, and somehow it felt like he was mad at me for something.

- "Kid. You know I love you, but you've been so fucking stupid and blind it's been painful for us to watch! You've had so many chances to be with her! She has been crazy in love with you ever since she was dating that other guy!!"

- "Paul? That was ages ago!"- I said ages to sound less obsessive, but I knew exactly how long it had been since they had broken up. It was also the amount of time I had spent without using Dilaudid.

- "Well, she loved you even back there! I bet you are the reason they broke up!"

- "No, I wasn't"- I sighed, thinking I wished I was, but I knew (Y/N) had broken up with him 'cos she didn't love him.

- "Why are you so sure?"

- "She told me"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at me so severely- "What?"

- "Back then, that girl got into trouble for arguing with Lila Archer. Remember?"

- "Eidetic memory, Morgan. Of course, I remember."

- "Sorry, genius"- the waitress arrived with our fourth round, and my body felt way more relaxed by them. Also, my tongue started to slur as I spoke.

- "My pretty pumpkin actually called Lila, and I quote: "annoying, always ignoring our orders, keeping herself in danger, not helping, being a squeamish little princess who is used to do whatever the fuck she wants, and who didn't care to put people around her in danger."- I chuckled remembering that conversation- "And then she joked saying "Of course you were oblivious to all this 'cos you couldn't stop staring at her."

- "Ok, Reid, that's what girls say when they are jealous! And she was clearly jealous of Lila! When she saw you two in that pool? I thought (Y/N) was gonna kill her! I swear I was waiting for her to jump into the pool and end with her!"- Morgan laughed, picturing the scene in his mind. I sipped my whisky, not quite sure he was into something there.

- "I really think she didn't like her 'cos she found her annoying. (Y/N) finds most people annoying."

- "And not you. What does that tell us?"

- "That I am not annoying"- Morgan looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but stayed quiet. And instead, he just chuckled.

- "What about that waitress?"

- "Who?"

- "The one you picked up in the bar with a magic trick?"

- "I didn't pick on her!! I was doing my work and..."

- "And you got her phone number, and she sent you that card with a kiss..."- Morgan stared at me, waiting for a reaction- "Ok, in case you didn't notice, (Y/N) was jealous of her too."

- "She was mad 'cos she said I was unprofessional."

- "Ok, fine, whatever. And now, what's the plan, casanova? When are you telling her you love her?"

- "Now, tonight, after this drink,"- and I hurried to drink it faster.

- "What?"

- "I've got a love letter like Darcy gave to Lizzy."

- "Who the fuck are those?"

- "Her favorite characters from her favorite book"- I explained, annoyed, and drunk- "They were in love but never acted on it 'cos they were both proud and held severe prejudices against each other. So when he told her he loved her, it was a mess. Then, he wrote her a letter trying to explain to her why he had been nonsensical. Then she read it and realized she loved him, but thought it was too late, so both of them acted like nothing was going on until they realized they had been fools, and Darcy confessed his love, and she told him she loved him too..."

There was a blank stare in Morgan's eyes when I was done speaking.

- "How many times have you read that?"

- "Today? Eleven"

The way Morgan wide opened his eyes, shocked, made me think maybe I had overreacted with how many times I read Pride and Prejudice. But he didn't say anything, just nodded.

- "Ok, kid, you can't talk to her today."

- "Why now? I was actually going to drop by her apartment and read the letter."

- "Spencer, you are drunk."

- "I am not!"- I was, in fact, intoxicated.

- "Prove it!"- Derek dared me, chuckling

- "How? Want me to walk on a line and touch my nose with my fingers?"

- "Go talk to those girls over there"- he pointed at a bunch of women who kept flirting with him from a distance at the bar counter.

- "Why would I do that? I am in love! I just told you I am about to confess my true feelings to the one woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I swear, Morgan, if she says she loves me, I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

- "What?!"- my friend nearly choked with his drink.

- "Yeah! I've wasted too much time! I wanna marry that woman! In fact! I'm gonna tell her that right now!"- I stood up too quickly, and the whole room started spinning. Morgan grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down again.

- "Hold on, Reid! You need a round of water before we leave this bar."

- "No, Derek, you don't get it. I finally see everything clear now!! It's all clear!! I've loved her for so long... and maybe Frank is right, maybe she has loved me all along."

- "Dude, that's literally what I've been telling you for the last hour!!"- Morgan nearly yelled, frustrated.

- "Yeah, but Frank has been her best friend since they were four! Can you imagine? Little (Y/N) at four, playing... our kid would be so cute if they are like her."

- "Ok, Reid, you are creeping me out"

- "Why?"- I couldn't understand why Morgan was so shocked. I thought he wanted to know how I felt.

- "For the last five years, you've been in love with her, and you've denied it over and over again. And now suddenly, you get drunk and spill your heart open."

- "I just... I don't want these ghosts haunting me anymore. Julio was right!"

- "You lost me, man"

- "Our last case in Miami. My head was killing me, and Julio knew it. He said it was this job and everything I was bottling up that was driving me insane. Now I can see it clearly! I have to tell (Y/N) how I feel for her! That woman is the love of my life! She saved my life!!"

- "Calm down, Spencer."

- "Calm down?? She is out there with that guy!! What if they kiss again? What if they fuck?! No way! We have to stop her. I have to stop her!!"

I don't know how I got out of that chair and stormed out of the bar.

- "Reid! Wait!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

James was hot. Yes, that's true. I can't deny what's real. I saw him talking at the other side of the table, being charming, being fucking perfect. And there I was, not feeling anything. Nothing. Good old (Y/N) a few years ago would have been crazy for that guy. Before I met Spencer. But after Spencer.... There was nothing after him. And I could see it. I could feel it inside of me. How he had ruined me without even touching me. Does that make any kind of sense?

- "So, what do you do when you are not fighting crime?"- James asked me with the most charming smile. I just sighed and tried to look interested. I honestly wanted to try. But I soon realized everything I could answer included Spencer.

- "I am a big nerd, so I'm getting ready to go to Comicon this year."

- "In costume?!"- he widened his eyes and smiled, excited

- "Yes, of course. In costume is the only way to go to Comicon,"- in costume with Reid...

- "And which is your costume this year?"

- "Slave Leia"- James smiled mischievously and ran his tongue through his lips.

- "I won't miss this Comicon."

- "I also like hanging out with my friends. I usually host dinner parties 'cos I love cooking,"- with Spencer...

- "That's awesome, 'cos I love eating. Are you into board games?"

- "Yeah! Love them! We usually play a lot."

We. Spencer, and I.

I was doomed. I was never going to love anyone else. Spencer was overshadowing everything I might like about James. What did I actually like about James? That he was interested in me. Was Spencer interested in me? Lu said so. Garia said so. Emily said so. But I didn't. Why? Why couldn't I believe Spencer might love me? Was I terrified to lose him as a friend, or was I petrified to lose myself in him? Was I scared to be loved by him? To be happy? To have someone to love me, want me, and make me happy?

Was I scared of being loved by Reid? Of being happy with him? 'Cos each time I thought about it, it didn't feel like Spencer was just a guy I had a crush on or a guy I had fallen for. It felt like he was the love of my life, my happy ending. My forever after. And that scared the shit out of me. I've always been scared I would ruin the love of my life like my parents had destroyed their happiness. I knew the job was going to get in the middle. And I was already in love with my job.

Well... so was Reid.

In fact, we shared that love. We did everything together, including working. And god, I loved being in the field with him. I hated the fear of losing him I often felt whenever we were together, but the thrill of catching an unsub with Reid, of saving lives together. Nothing could ever compare to that. Well, maybe sex with Spencer, but I didn't know it for a fact. I wished I knew...

- "(Y/N)?"- James was looking at me, waiting for an answer. But I never got the questions. I was just lost in the thought of Spencer.

- "Sorry, you were saying?"

- "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere else... Maybe you could show me your record collection."

Dinner was over. We had our dessert and coffee. A part of me felt I had to say yes, 'cos I felt pushed to like him. But I just couldn't force it. I knew it was meant to turn out badly.

- "Actually, I'm tired... I'm sorry. It was a long week and included a trip to Miami to catch a lunatic..."

- "Of course, not a problem. I'll take you home."

The drive back to my apartment was mostly silent. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't really comfortable either. It was just me feeling Spencer's absence. And it hurt in ways I hadn't realized just yet. It made me wonder if my life without him was destined to be like that.

- "I had a great time tonight,"- I said when James parked outside my building.

- "Me too..."- he turned to me and cut me a big smile, as his eyes locked with mine. I could see him leaning in, and my whole body refused to kiss him. So I opened my door and nearly jumped out of his car.

- "Ok, it's getting late."

- "I'll walk you to your door."

- "No, you don't have to."- but James was already by my side, holding my hand (something I absolutely hated) and walking with me to my building.

- "I have to tell you, (Y/N). I was hoping to meet you at Anderson's party."

Oh shit, I didn't really want to go through that conversation with him. I thought I could just ghost out of that dinner, but James wasn't making things easy. So I opened my building's door, and he followed me in. Shit.

- "I don't know if he told you anything but... I just had the biggest crush on..."

- "James, you don't have to..."

- "But I want to. I just feel like we could go somewhere. I know it's only our first date, but I think you are the most incredible woman I've ever met. And I would be ecstatic if you would want to go out with me again."

I sighed and turned to him. We were standing by my door, and I could feel he wanted to kiss me goodnight.

- "James. I feel flattered, but... I can't do this."

- "What? Why?"

- "Because I am in love with someone else... I've been in love for a while now, but I never thought I might have to actually act on it until now..."

James stared into my eyes, confused, hurt, and... sad. I nodded and did the kindest thing I could under the circumstances and hugged him.

- "I am sorry. You are a fantastic guy, and I'm sure if I wasn't in love already, this would have worked, but..."

- "It's ok, (Y/N). Really. You don't have to apologize. I was just one date, no harm done."- my date kissed my cheek and smiled- "Besides, I got to meet my favorite profiler."

- "Prentiss?"- I joked, and he chuckled.

- "And what are you gonna do about this mystery guy?"

- "I don't know. I don't think he feels the same... but I think I have to tell him, or I'll go crazy."

- "He would be crazy if he rejects you,"- James whispered and smiled- "Good night, crime fighter."

I closed the door behind my back and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I felt bad for James. But I couldn't take care of his feelings when I had been neglecting mine for so long.

What was I supposed to do? I was so tired of overthinking everything. Of being afraid. I put the kettle on to make myself a cup of tea and laid on my couch for a minute. It smelled like Spencer. There was one of his sweaters there. I quickly grabbed it and buried my face in it, pretending it was his neck, and I could even land butterfly kisses on his skin.

I couldn't run from it anymore. I was going to tell Spencer Walter Reid what I felt for him. And I was going to do it the following day. How? With my original plan: I was going to bring his favorite breakfast to his house. I was going to apologize for being a jerk, and I was going to invite him over for dinner. I was going to cook his favorite. Then I was slowly and carefully going to handpick the right words to tell him I am desperately in love with him.

That sounded like a good plan. My phone rang, forcing me to roll on that couch, but I carried Spencer's sweater with me. It was Penelope.

- "Please don't tell me we've got a case."

- "No, munchkin. I just wanted to check on you. What happened to James?"

- "I blew him off- I stood up and walked to the kitchen to make my cup of tea- "It was kind of painful."

- "I'm glad you did anyway. You have to do the right thing."

- "Yeah, I guess,"- I closed the widow 'cos there was a lot of yelling coming from the street.

- "Where are you?- Penelope asked, probably hearing it too.

- "At home, getting ready for bed."

- "What's that noise?"

- "I don't know. I think there's a fight downstairs. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna talk with Spencer and tell him everything."

- "Please let me know how that goes!!"- I chuckled as I heard the genuine excitement in her voice.

- "I promise I will. Thank you for checking on me."

- "Anytime, munchkin. Sleep tight."

Spencer's point of view

- "Oh shit! Oh shit!"

I saw (Y/N) getting out of James's car, and Derek had to hold me on my seat to stop me from running over. We were parked outside of her building, and Morgan was still trying to convince me to go home. I told him I would behave and peacefully go home if I saw (Y/N) reaching her home safe and sound... without James.

But no. He was there. I could see him walking with her, hand in hand, to her building.

- "Maybe he is just going to take her to her door,"- Morgan said, trying to calm me down. I clenched my fist and waited in silence for a few seconds. But James didn't leave her at her door. He followed her inside. And that was when I lost it and literally jumped off the car.

- "Reid!! No!! Wait!!"- Derek ran behind me and grabbed my arm. A car passed and honked at us, 'cos it almost ran me over. I wanted to yell, "Fuck you!" but I barely noticed it. My eyes were locked at that building's door.

- "Dude! Come on, get back in the car!"- Derek tried to calm me down.

- "No!"- I argued and kept pulling my arm, trying to get free of his hands. But he wasn't letting me go.

- "You are drunk! You are not thinking straight! Come on!!"

- "No! Let me go! I need to talk to her!

- "What you wanna tell her, you should confess sober, with flowers... and chocolates, or whatever she likes."

- "I can't wait anymore!! I can't wait until it's perfect!! He is going to kiss her again and... and I can't deal with that!!"- I managed to get loose of Derek's hand and ran to (Y/N)'s building the second James walked out of it.

My blood boiled as soon as I saw him, and my first instinct was to punch him, But I managed to suppress it. Instead, I just looked at him threateningly. Or at least that's what I tried to do.

- "What's your problem, dude?"- James frowned as he noticed me staring.

- "You are my problem, dude,"- I answered with a snarky tone as that asshole took a step closer and shook his head.

- "What the fuck?!"

- "Stay the fuck away from (Y/N), James,"- I said, and he widened his eyes, surprised I knew him.

- "Who the hell are you?!"

- "I am the love of her life, and you are in the way of our forever after."

- "Kid, come on"- Derek tried to pull me away, but he was just embarrassing me.

- "Yes, kid. Go with your buddy. Leave (Y/N) to me."

James chuckled and turned around. And I don't know what took over me, but I couldn't control it. I ran to him and pulled his shoulder. I felt the pain of my fist hitting his face, but I didn't care if my knuckles were on fire. All I could feel was the profound pleasure of finally breaking that guy's nose with my own hands.

- "What the fuck?!"- Derek was in shock, and honestly, so was I. I didn't know I had that in me. I had never gotten in a fight that wasn't with an unsub. And still, on the field, I always tried to talk my way out of every conflict.

- "He has to back off! He is getting in the middle of my relationship with my pumpkin!!"- I argued and looked at my hand, knowing it would be sore in the morning. That was when James's fist collided against my jaw, and I felt how my whole body nearly spun like a cartoon with the strength of the blow.

- "Hey! Hey! Stop!"- Derek pulled James away from me as I touched my face, trying to put two and two together.

- "Tell your friend to stay away from me, or I'm gonna break his face!!"

- "You and which army?!"- I yelled and tried to punch him again, but Morgan stayed between us, trying to keep us apart.

- "Ok, ok, calm down, we are leaving! Reid! Come on!!"

- "No!! I am not leaving until I am sure that he is going to stay away from her!!"

- "Stay away from (Y/N)? Deal! Now get the fuck away from me!"- James shoved me on his way to his car, and I nearly hit him again. But Derek stopped me. He grabbed my arms and pushed me to his car.

- "Enough! I'll take you home."

***

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405 @eyakoroleva @nani-2305

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: July 7th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #matthew gray gubler #Criminal Minds #Spencer Reid fanfiction #Spencer Reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid hurt #spencer reid angst #babymetaldoll writes #diwk #Penelope Garcia #Ashley Seaver #Emily Prentiss #aaron hotchner #criminal minds fanfiction

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darkacademicfrom2021 · 3 years

Text

All flavours of wrong (part 1)

Masterlist Part 2

Pairing: Loki x Reader (gender neutral) (reader gets called princess and Queen mockingly, but it can have no gender connotations, just as in a joke).

Summary: You got an arranged marriage with the firstborn prince of Asgard, inheritor of the crown, God of Thunder. But your heart has other plans, that your brain cannot yet comprehend. And on Loki’s side it’s not getting easy either.

Word count: 4.5K

Warnings: Sexual tension (a lot). And honestly not much more? Mentions of blood.

I used prompt #293 and prompt #279 from @creativepromptsforwriting to take me out of a block, so thank you so much to this page, it’s incredibly useful! I recommend all writers to check it out.

“Thor”, whispered Loki. But since his four failed attempts at calling him discreetly went wrong, he stepped on his foot under the table, making him spill wine all over his trousers.

“For Gods’ sake, brother, what do you want?”.

“Well, finally. Are you ignoring me? I’ve been trying to get your attention all dinner”.

“Yes, of course I’ve been ignoring you”, said as if it were obvious. It wasn’t.

“Why?”, Loki asked, trying to not sound hurt.

“You know why”, muttered under his breath, faking a smile when his gaze met his mother’s. “And shut up, we’re not supposed to talk if Allfather is not here yet”.

“Look, if it’s because I set on fire your History books, get over it, it’s not like you were doing great with that anyways”.

“You… you did what? It was you?”.

“Yes, of course. Oh, you didn’t know. Well, what are you ignoring me for, then? Ah, I know. Is it because I broke the…”.

“How many things of mine have you been destroying lately?”, Thor raised his voice slightly.

“Boys, enough”, interrupted Frigga. “Cut it off, your Father will be here soon”.

The siblings went back to their plates, and Loki kept stealing glances at his brother, trying to figure out what was wrong. Thor was nervous; his leg kept bouncing and bouncing, he barely touched his food (which was very suggestive, given that he usually ate it all in two mouthfuls), and he was refilling his cup with the strongest wine of the table, as if he needed to loosen up for something. Loki decided it was better off to just pay attention to what would come next. It was evident his Father would be bringing the thing that made Thor so nervous.

And then it hit him; it was already June.

The previous year Odin announced the possibility of an arranged marriage to whoever was winning on the competition for the throne, if he hadn't gotten anywhere near a possible royal companion. Thor was winning, by far; of course. And he didn’t show any partner, or even the possibility of a future partner, so no wonder why he was so nervous.

Loki went back to his plate, not sure how to feel. Annoyed, that was for sure. He knew he wasn’t going to be King (at least not until his brother died, if he didn’t die first), but the preparations for his inheritance got there faster than he expected. It was all too quick. And the disappointment grew bigger the more he thought of it. His father was not even giving him the chance to get better in the competition, and instead he just assumed it was Thor who’d win. Frustrating. Obvious, but still frustrating.

The doors opened and a young and bright warrior followed the footsteps of Odin. He, with a smile from ear to ear, waited until getting the attention of everyone, and, directly looking into Thor’s eyes, introduced you with your full name and current social status. Loki couldn’t stop staring with his lips slightly parted.

That was it. That was what annoyed him the most. His brother got to marry that.

He just couldn’t believe his eyes. He blinked fast to see if there was something deceiving his perception, if maybe his whole family arranged a joke to him, if maybe that little warrior was an illusion casted by his Mother to laugh at how unfortunate he must have been looking at that moment. At the moment he realized his brother was marrying the perfect partner for Loki. You were, at least in the physical sense, his literal type. He was baffled.

And that didn’t go unnoticed by Thor either, who stole a glance from him and chuckled mockingly. Loki went red of embarrassment and tried his best to hide from you, to avoid your gaze, but he just couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He felt hypnotized, and bothered. You didn’t look at him. You looked everywhere but him. You were amazed by the palace, by everyone around you. It was obvious you were not familiar with a royal life.

“You seem bewildered, brother”, Thor whispered in his ear.

“And you don’t seem as astonished as you should, brother”, he answered with levels of sarcasm in his tone he didn’t even know he had.

“I shouldn’t, this is merely formal”.

“You’re marrying them. It’s not entirely formal. It’s a whole future and family”, Loki discussed, but he knew his brother didn’t care about it enough. His brother didn’t even want the throne that badly, yet he was the one getting it. More and more frustration flowed through Loki’s veins. He kept staring at you with a frown. “Besides, look at that piece of art”.

He looked so tough, so serious, until you stared back. No, you didn’t even stare. You looked up and found his eyes. He quickly softened his expressions as you gifted him a gentle smile. His heart skipped a beat.

And just with a smile he knew, he was completely fucked.

Loki closed his eyes and shut his fists as hard as he could, trying to focus and concentrate only on what he was supposed to. The spell.

But you were looking, and it was hard.

A week passed by, and you were already living in the palace, bonding with your future husband and trying to learn as much as possible from the new life you would acquire once the wedding passed. You met him everywhere; in the halls, on the meals, on the trainings, on the classes; everywhere. He had no means to escape you. Nor did he want to. But he couldn’t get used to that horrible and sweet feeling of his chest getting tighter, face warmer and balance unsteadier when he saw you.

“You’ve got this, Loki. We’ve been over this”, Frigga said from the other side of the training room. “Just remember what we practiced yesterday”. But the only thing Loki remembered from yesterday was when he was trying to train that same spell and you were, at the same time, practicing your archery skills outside. Sweaty. Tired. Ecstatic. Smiley. Red.

He opened his eyes and dropped his arms, completely giving up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do even a simple spell in front of you.

“What is it that’s distracting you so much, son? You have your head too full for this”, Frigga commented, getting closer to him.

“I’m simply tired, Mother. Don’t worry about it, had a poor night of sleep”.

“Well, get it together for this afternoon. We’re trying again after you get some rest, alright?”.

“Yes, Mother”.

You weren’t paying much attention to the conversation prince Loki and the Queen had. You were way too focused on how uncomfortable the clothes you had to wear were in you. You could barely breathe, and had to fix your posture to avoid choking. Besides, you could feel prince Thor’s eyes on you, and somehow it made you extremely uncomfortable.

You knew you would marry him. Then why couldn’t you at least fake a little bit of interest in him?

You redirected your attention to prince Loki, once again, and the corset was not the only thing that made your breathing harder. Gods, and for the Nine Realms, the prince’s training clothes were something else. Not even compared to Thor’s tank top and weird-looking shorts; Loki’s were almost made exactly for him and his silhouette. Black leather pants and top covering him almost entirely, tight even where it shouldn’t be that tight. Gold endings everywhere and little patterns in his long sleeves and trousers; details that only made it harder for you to not look. But you didn’t even know where to look, if you looked.

Well, you knew exactly where you should’ve been looking. To your side. The blonde and huge man with the big hammer that promised you a crown, a throne and a good place for your family to live in.

You shook your head, and got up to make yourself some tea, hoping the wrong thoughts would fall off your brain and you’d finally come to your senses.

Once you made it to the kitchen, you realized you shouldn’t have gotten there by your own. Unable to get used to the fact that if you wanted some tea you should ask for the maids to make it for you (as with everything, even the clothes you would wear, the foods you’d eat, the way the bed should be made, and an infinite etcetera), you ignored it and put the kettle on the fire.

You tried to reach for the tea box on the countertop, and stood on your toes, failing to even touch it with the tips of your fingers. As you turned around to look for a chair to climb to, you blundered against the God of Mischief’s chest.

“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry”, he apologized, taking a step back. “I was about to get the tea box for you”. You felt yourself completely red.

“It’s… it’s fine, thank you. I’m sorry” you stuttered nervously, with the echoing feeling of his torso against your arms and chest, making you blush even more. You wondered if he did that accidentally.

He smirked slightly and reached for the box effortlessly, making deep eye contact. Was he… was he flirting, somehow? you asked yourself. No, of course he wasn’t. That would be a hundred percent inappropriate, and he was completely appropriate and polite all the time. Even when he shouldn’t have. So, what was that about? Did he usually look at people like that?

“Breaking some rules, I see?”, he added after a painful minute of silence in where you chose the tea and mug. You turned around and realized he was still staring.

“What?”.

“You shouldn’t be the one making the tea, you know”.

“Yes, I know”, you answered calmly, trying to not show the tremble in your voice. Just the presence of that God in the same room made you feel… tiny. Weak. Maybe in a good way. No, definitely in a bad way; he shouldn’t be making you feel anything, for that matter. “And we shouldn’t be in the same room all alone”.

“Are you kicking me out?”.

“Just stating a fact”.

“Hm”.

“And offering you some illegal tea”.

He smiled. You were way too good for Thor, he thought. You would be bored if you married him. You had the trouble spark in your eyes and Loki was the perfect companion for that. It was so evident you were made for each other; then why would his parents think you would be better off with Thor? He was still clueless at how they could’ve made such an imprudent and blind decision.

“I’d love to, princess”.

You chuckled. “Princess? Really?”.

“Not good?”.

“No”. He lowered his gaze and put a strand of hair behind an ear. “Which kind would you like?”.

He stepped closer to you; so much closer that you could feel his slow breathing grazing your forehead. You tried your best to not rise your head and sink in his sharp features. He grabbed with two fingers a tea bag from the box you were holding. Your hands were trembling slightly. He then got a little bit closer (even though you didn’t think that was possible), slowly stretched his arm and picked up a mug that was conveniently behind you. As soon as he stepped away, you realized you held your breath the whole time.

“Are you alright? You look nervous”, he mocked, which only made you even more embarrassed.

“I suggest you stay in your place, prince Loki”, you said, trying to get back to reality. It was not okay. You could not flirt in any way or form with your future husband’s brother. Wrong. Wrong! All flavours of wrong.

“Suggestion denied”, he said with the same troublesome smirk from before, that still hadn’t wiped off his face. “And you can call me Loki”.

“I will not”, you said, filling his mug with the boiling water. “And you’ll call me by my full name, as you should”.

“You know, in our actual position… you should be the one recieving my orders”, he said, lowering his already deep voice. You swallowed, but tried to keep a determined and confident look on your face.

“Which are...?”. You knew you’d regret even asking, but he was right. He still was your prince, and you still were a mere warrior. He raised an eyebrow.

“Call me Loki”.

“Or?”.

“Well…”, he whispered raspily. You felt he was about to step closer to you again, but the voice of one of his tutors interrupted his flirting.

“What on the Realm are you two doing in here without an escort?”.

“Terribly sorry”, you muttered while you rapidly left the kitchen. Loki stood there, observing you leave and sighed. His tutor looked at him with disapproval and he simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled innocently.

But he had already decided, you were going to be his.

You couldn’t help but to wander the palace as much as you could. The place was enormous and nothing compared to anything you’ve seen before. You only knew the tiny houses you grew up in Asgard, and the occasional visit to other Realm’s palace in the middle of a battle.

But you had to be careful. Nobody would approve you nosing everywhere, much less at those hours of the night. But, well, it was the perfect time, because the palace would not only be empty, but also illuminated by only the soft glimmering of the candlelights. It was gorgeous.

You roamed around through the hallways, until the sharp sound of a fall stopped you dead on your tracks. The sound was followed by an “ugh, fuck” from a particularly familiar voice, and your curiosity grew bigger. What was prince Loki doing at those hours in… the library, was it? You thought, as you tried to read the sign in the doorframe. All signs had to be in old Norse, of course. And you could barely speak it, let alone read it in the dark.

Peeping from the entrance, you got to see what the prince was doing. With a big and dusty book on one hand and a frown in his face, he was trying to make a pile of books from the floor levitate.

He shut his eyes close and once again, pointed at the books with the palm of his hand. A green light surrounded the objects and two of the three books got suspended in the air. With effort, prince Loki pushed harder upwards to make the third book levitate too, but soon got tired and the rest of the pile fell to the wooden floor again, making the same sound that brought you there in the first place.

He then left the open book he was holding over one of the tables and tried again, this time with both of his hands. In around five minutes he got to make the three books fly above his head, as if they were dancing. His eyes glittered and an ear-to-ear smile lit his face. You’ve never seen him smile so innocently, so childishly before.

How adorable, you thought, as you leaned on the doorframe. But the smile on his face got interrupted when you sloped wrongly over the door and fell down with a sound that felt more like a scream than a subtle gasp.

Loki ran to see where that sound came from, and found your flustered face on his feet, trying your best to not look too embarrassed by the fact that you were hovering, or even spying on him.

“May I help you with something, princess?”, he held your hand to help you up, but didn’t let it out when you were already on your feet.

“Thank you. And, please, don’t call me princess”, you said, freeing yourself of his hand.

“‘Please, don’t call me princess’? Darling, you’re begging for the wrong things in here”. You got chills from the seductive tone of his voice, and tried to ignore it through a laugh. There was nothing else to do but to hope he wouldn’t notice how blushed you’d gotten.

“It’s not appropriate that you keep flirting with me, Mischief”.

“I like that nickname”.

“Did you even listen to me?”.

“Yes, I know. You don’t want me to flirt with you because you’re afraid of being inappropriate. But, between us, which one was the one stalking the other one in the middle of the night?”.

“I wasn’t stalking. I was simply observing and hoping you wouldn’t notice”.

“That’s the dictionary definition of stalking, my dear”.

You sighed. There was no point in arguing with him. He would know if you lied; and that’s probably why he kept flirting. Because he knew you didn’t mean it when you corrected him. You liked it. You truly enjoyed it.

“What are you doing?”, you asked after a while, pointing at the floating books that were now almost touching the roof.

“I really need to focus for this one in particular. If I need silence and emptiness, this place and time are usually a good idea. Unless, of course, there’s a little spy falling off the doorframe”.

“Sorry about that”, you chuckled, and he smirked.

“It’s fine, I basically finished it anyways”.

“Looks like you mastered it, though”, you complimented. Loki looked at you with a little smile.

“Well, I…”. He was about to answer you, but you reached out for a strand of hair on his face and moved it behind his ear. The books fell off abruptly, and Loki did his best to cover you from their impact, covering your whole body with an embrace. He didn’t let go of the hug, but looked at your face with shame. “I’m truly sorry. I got.. surprised, I guess”.

“Don’t worry. And sorry, didn’t mean to make you nervous”.

“Nervous?”.

“Or surprised, whatever”.

“You’re right, though”. He smiled gently once more and lowered his gaze. “You make me feel things, little warrior”.

“Prince Loki, you really shouldn’t…”.

“I can say it, you don’t need to answer it”. You sighed and gave him a knowing look. “If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll stop. If not, let me flirt with you. I don’t need you to flirt back”. You laughed at his proposition and he stared, waiting for a confirmation.

“Fine. But don’t call me princess. You make it sound diminishing”.

“As you wish, my Queen”.

“Oh my God”.

“Precisely”.

You both giggled and tried to keep it down just in case somebody else was awake. The moonlight making its way through the gigantic windows of the library were the only lightning, and the sharp features of the God became even more fascinating by the contrast. His eyes looked deeper. Or maybe it was the way he looked at you with them. You felt naked at his eye, and maybe not in a bad sense.

"What are you thinking about?", he asked after a while. You were both in silence, contemplating each other. Oddly, it wasn't uncomfortable. With Thor, on the other hand, you only felt uncomfortability; even if it wasn't an awkward situation, you knew you were not welcomed by him. Maybe not even his friendship.

"I'm… I think I should get going".

"Why?" he asked, and immediately grabbed your hand. "Stay".

"It's late. Thor might awake and not find me there".

"So?".

"Let's not cause a scandal, Mischief. I have to do what I have to do".

"Maybe you don't have to", he insisted, and you rolled your eyes. With a sigh, he let go off your hand. "I understand. I know you'll be better off like this".

"Yes, I will", you said, faking confidence. Maybe it was your sleep deprived brain that couldn't see right, maybe it was the sudden urge to do what you wanted instead of what you needed; either way, you lingered your way out.

He waited for you to go, but you stayed a little longer, delaying the sneaking back to bed with the man you didn't want to be with. You just needed one reason, only one reason to stay.

"Good night, darling", he said after a while. He knew better than to ruin your future and reputation for his selfish desires. He didn’t want to let you go, he wanted you to be his and only his. But he knew better than to make you a part of his brotherly quarrels. He appreciated you enough to keep you out of it.

"Good night, Loki".

He smiled as you walked away. As much as he shouldn’t have, he got you to call him by just his name.

Not even two weeks passed by and everyone around him already suspected the obvious; the mischievous and rebellious brother was trying to make Thor’s partner fall in love with him. What not everyone knew was that it was completely working.

The stolen glances from up the shoulders in every meeting, every dinner, every event. The long walks around the Gardens, talking about literature, magic and general life. The trainings in one-to-one combat with him that lasted a bit longer than with the rest of the trainers. And you couldn’t help but smile at everything he said or did; it was so much harder than one could think, to hide such thing from Queen Frigga; she saw it all and knew better than everyone in romance. She also knew better than anyone both of her sons, and it was evident how they both felt about you. Because Thor’s stone cold indifference wasn’t one to go unnoticed as well.

In dinner, Loki was again sitting by Thor’s side, and couldn’t help but to chatter about the subject that bothered him so much.

“They’s late, brother; you’ll marry a terribly mannered warrior”, he mocked. Thor rolled his eyes and contraatacked.

“At least I’m marrying them”.

“You say it as if I wanted to”.

“Please”, Thor scoffed.

“Marriage is a boundary. I merely desire them”.

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to hold their hand from the Throne, or to put a crown on their head”, mocked Thor. Loki sushed him, because he was completely right. Loki would’ve loved to gently caress your hair and kiss your pink cheeks, to fidget with your ring as he held you in the mornings and nights. Gods, he was lost.

“I do not, anyways. But if you plan on borrowing me wedding night and spare you the annoyance you’d feel by bedding them… I agree”.

“Will you keep on making sexual jokes to avoid real feelings all your life or do you grow up after the 1100 year?”.

You opened the door and got in with your head low and breathing unsteady, embarrassed and apologizing. The princes stopped the chattering and followed you with their eyes. Loki didn’t even hide his expressions of pure and raw desire. Your hair was a disaster, and you were still in your ripped warrior clothes, covered in mud, blood and scratches. The dagger strapped to your thigh was, too, covered in blood.

“Hot”, said Loki, unintentionally louder than he should have. Dear, he loved when you looked like a threatening mess.

“What?”, you asked in a breath, still agitated.

“Eh, hold. Hold the door, I meant”, he corrected himself (everyone was looking, even the guests, and he knew better than to be that inappropriate on certain occasions). But you knew exactly what he said and smirked slightly, just enough for him to notice.

“You were saying… you didn’t want to?”, whispered Thor just before Loki got up and walked through the tables. He didn’t even know what he wanted to do, but if he said ‘hold the door’ he had to keep it verosimil, didn’t he?

As he walked past you, slowing down, he whispered “library, tonight”. And then left the dining room, leaving an even more blushed you to imagine what could he possibly want from you. And your imagination was not precisely innocent.

You took a deep breath and held it for a minute before getting inside. After wandering around the bookshelves, you noticed the room was still empty. Maybe too early? It was barely midnight. Everyone was already asleep and the Palace was, as every night, dead silent.

You sat on the couch and caressed the texture with the tip of your fingers. Was he coming? Did he say it just to make you blush in lunch? Perhaps he was messing with you. He was the God of Lies and Mischief after all, wasn’t he?

After ten minutes you stood up and decided to look for something to read. You wouldn’t be able to sleep anyways, so might as well make the most of the night; with or without prince Loki.

You walked slowly, reading carefully every title. If something had your attention, you’d read it on that beautiful velvet couch, in front of the fireplace. Even grab a mug of coffee, to keep you up until you finish your readings. The plan sounded marvelous, but you couldn’t help but to feel disappointed you wouldn’t spend the night with him.

You weren’t expecting to actually get physical, of course. He was not your fiancé and would never be. He was barely a lover. Not even that. He was the man you loved and desired, yes. But merely platonic. It wouldn’t go any further. It couldn’t go any further.

But you were expecting to have that precious alone time he gifted you in the nights, where everything was off and both of you were the only flame alive in the whole Kingdom. The glances he threw at you, the smiles he drew to let you know you were appreciated; you were wanted, you were loved by him.

As you reached for one of the books, a bigger hand wrapped around yours and the book, making you gasp.

“Hello”, he whispered in your ear, earning a shiver from you. Just that, he didn’t need to do any more than that to set on all your alarms and get your face redder and hotter than ever.

You turned around and smiled. He didn’t move away; in fact, he raised both his arms to your sides and locked you between him and the bookshelf.

“Seems like you won’t let me go away, won’t you?”.

“I don’t think you would even if I gave you the opportunity”.

“And how are you so sure about that?”.

“You came here, as I asked you to”.

“So?”.

“Are you actually going to play dumb?”.

You both laughed slightly, still not wanting to make a single noise. He got a few inches closer, and you did too. You raised a hand and fondled his hair. Moved your hand all the way from up his ear to down his neck. He slowly slipped down one hand to your waist and the other one to your collarbone, making the same deep eye contact he made with such lust; that desire he always looked at you, but amplified to a hundred and ten percent.

Now both of your hands were cupping his face. He was warm. And smiley. And… God, gorgeous. Godly gorgeous, as he always was. You traced with your fingers his cheekbones, his jaw, his neck. You sighed.

“May I kiss you?” He whispered, getting even closer. His breathing was slow and you could feel it on your face. His question was barely audible, yet so strongly loud to you.

May he kiss you? May you kiss him? You weren’t supposed to be even that close with him. You weren’t allowed. You shouldn’t look at him the way you did. Or touch him the way you wanted to. But there he was, asking to kiss you. And you had no other words in your vocabulary else than;

“Please”.

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