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suchalonelysunflower · 4 years

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“One of the Boys” (M.C)

Pairings: Michael Clifford X Reader

Summary: College!AU ~ Friends to Lovers. You and Michael are best friends since forever, that’s why you feel the need to hide your crush on him. But when he makes a hurtful comment, you are determined to prove him wrong. Could that be enough to make him love you?

Warnings: The reader uses she/her pronouns, I’m sorry if I make anyone uncomfortable with that, it was not my intention. Angst with fluffy parts. Language, low self esteem issues, cheating (a little bit, it depends on how you view it) one sexual reference and some grammar and syntax errors (English it’s not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 5.5K

Author’s Note: My first Michael Fic! I waited so long and it’s finally here ✨ This is slyghtly based on a personal experience (mine didn’t have this ending) I hope you like it! Feedback, reblogs and comments are always welcomed, I love to hear from you guys 💕 You can read my other works HERE 🦋

You had to admit it, you weren’t exactly a very ‘feminine’ girl. But that the hell was wrong with that? Yes, you preferred leggings and big hoodies over skirts and tight dresses. Yes, you skateboarded everyday to school and hanged out with boys all the time, drinking beers instead of fancy little cocktails. Yes, you never really cared about boy bands or artists like Justin Bieber or Drake. And yes, you would rather die than have high heels on for more than 2 hours straight. But that’s just who you are, how you’ve always been. His comment shouldn’t have hurt that much, but why are you crying about it?

You have been roomates with Michael since you two started college. You always joked about how you were going to live together someday and have a fridge full of junk food and soda. Well, now you do (except from the junk food part, that proved to be an awful experience)

To be honest, you didn’t have that many friends besides him and your other four knuckleheads you know and love from your early school days. Luke was the youngest of all of you, and maybe that’s why everybody thought he was the innocent one (even though he was the mastermind of almost every prank you ever pulled) Calum was the shy one, as people would put it, but just get to know him a little bit and you wouldn’t be able to shut him up. Ashton is supposedly the mature one, but his quick-witted mind and his inability of staying put in a place gives him the same amount of energy as a five year old. And then there was Michael, your best friend, there isn’t a time in your life where Michael wasn’t by your side, weather it was for pulling a prank on someone, skipping school or just playing video games in his basement, he was always there. So moving in together was a no brainer.

The friendship consisted on having the same level of confidence as an old married couple, trusting each other with everything, nothing being off limits, well, except for one thing…

You and Michael were friends and nothing more. That was clear for both of you. For years you both ignored the teasing and assumptions of you guys being a couple. Just the idea of it seeming so absurd to even imagine. But there’s a fine line between love and friendship.

Over the last few years, you began to think that the idea of being Michael’s girlfriend didn’t sound so bad after all. It was impossible to pin the pivotal point of that thought, but somehow somewhere along the road, you started to feel more flustered every time he leaned into a hug, felt butterflies in your stomach with each look he speared your way or how he said your name with such a caring tone. You found yourself thinking of him more often than not, especially on how his arms would look around you waist, how it will feel to be loved by him, to kiss him…

But you couldn’t think like that, not about your best friend. So it’s better to keep it hidden in the deepest part of your soul, praying to whoever’s above that it will go away soon, but when does that ever work?

Maybe that’s why his comment hurt so bad.

It was a lazy Monday, you didn’t have to work today and that meant you could spend your afternoon beating Michael’s ass in video games. But you couldn’t concentrate with your thoughts wandering over the man who owns your heart. It was the third time you let him win in Mario Kart when he caught on your mood.

“You really suck today, huh?” Michael asked as he watches Mario celebrate yet another victory.

“Or maybe you’re finally getting good” You replied, resting your head lazily in one hand, not taking your eyes from the screen.

Michael furrowed his brows, worrying as he heard a light sigh come out of your lips “Hey, are you okay?” He asked, but you don’t seem to hear him, so he accommodates himself on the couch in order to look at you properly and puts a hand on your leg, just right above the knee “Y/N?”

“Huh?” You say, finally lifting your gaze in order to meet his and oh, how you wish you didn’t. Lost in the sea of those green eyes that consumed every thought of your mind, you felt yourself blushing under him and trying very hard not to think on his hand touching your thigh “What? No, yeah. I’m fine.”

“Liar. You let me win, that never happens. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong”

“Y/N,”

“Nothing’s wrong, Michael. I swear”

His eyes scanned you, knowing damn well something was up.

“Well,” He said, patting your leg, softly “If you’re not gonna tell me… Then I will make you”

Before you could even comprehend what he meant by that, he was already leaning over your figure with a devilish grin as his hands traveled to your sides and started tickling you mercilessly.

Tears formed in the corner of your eyes as you couldn’t contain the laughter that came over you. Begging him to stop, you tried to escape his grip, but it wasn’t the first time this had happened and you know this is a fight you can’t. Michael joined in laughter as he came closer to you, pinning you under him on the sofa.

But suddenly, his movements stop as he becomes very aware of the position you’re in. You give one last laugh before turning to face him, only to find him already staring at you. You shudder under his gaze as you realize the way his legs are intertwined with yours, wondering if it’s his cellphone on the pocket of his shorts or something else is brushing up against your lower body.

Michael’s eyes never leave yours as your breath becomes even. And he couldn’t help but notice the way that your lips parted slightly, almost inviting him for a taste.

“Hey, dude, sorry to bother you but.. Oh shit, you’re fucking on the couch?” A voice came through the door, making you push Michael onto the floor before getting caught in that position. Raising your head over the sofa, you were met by Ashton and Luke’s grin disappearing from their faces as your face came to view “Oh, it’s just Y/N. WAIT, Were you fucking Y/N?!”

Rolling your eyes and giving them the middle finger, you stand up from the couch, regretting ever giving them a key in the first place, and went straight to the bathroom, trying to hide the red of your cheeks.

But just before you could close the door, you heard Michael say “What are you talking about? It Y/N! She’s practically one of the boys!”

He didn’t mean to hurt you. He had good intentions with that comment, of course he did. But you couldn’t stop overthinking it, crying at the thought of you being so unattractive in his eyes.

“So he wants a girly girl?” You thought, already planning a strategy “I’ll show him, then”

That’s how it started. You began to wear the dresses that were long forgotten on your wardrobe, you started using makeup and styling your hair in something other than a messy bun.

It was confusing at first and not at all what you were used to, but there was a new energy surrounding you, a confident one. You were going to show Michael that you could be feminine, maybe that way he’ll notice you in a ‘more than just a friend’ kinda way.

The first time the boys saw you with your new look they were all sharing breakfast in your kitchen. With your apartment being closer to campus they might as well move in.

“Good morning, guys” You said cheerfully, not looking at anyone in particular.

They all stared at you, looking at you up and down. And just before you could reach the cereal box, the questions started coming.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Y/N why are you dressed like a girl? IS THAT MAKE UP?”

“Do you have a date? It’s 8 am on a Tuesday! Who are they? Vampires?”

“Who are you and what did you do to our Y/N?”

“Is the simulation broken?”

“Shhh” You said, raising the palm of your hand as you poured cereal in a bowl “It’s too damn early for any of you to do that much noise and I haven’t had my coffee yet” As in que, Ashton passed you your usual mug “Thank you, and to answer some of your inquiries. 1) Nothing’s going on, Calum. 2) I happen to be a girl, Luke. Thank you for noticing. 3) I do not have a date, nor I should use that as an excuse to put on some nice clothes. I just,, felt like it” You took a long sip from the hot beverage “The simulation broke down a long time ago and I’m still me. I’m just wearing different clothes, that’s all. Right, Mikey?”

Michael choked with his toast, coughing as he tried to gain some composure “Yeah, you look… great” He said with a shy smile, and he was right. The others joined in with the compliments, hyping and teasing you about how he will have to be more protective of you because you will sure bring home some hot dates looking like that.

It’s been a couple of weeks since that morning and everyday Michael complimented you. You’d be lying if you say that every word he says doesn’t fill your heart with butterflies. Maybe there’s a possibility that he feels the same way.

It was a pretty uneventful evening in the little coffee shop where you worked. You didn’t have many clients today, so the dim lights and the sweet voice of Hozier that blasted through the speakers allowed you to daydream. Michael’s face popped out in your mind, smiling as you remembered the way that he looked at you this morning. Finally proving that you were more than just “One of the boys”

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t hear the bell chime when the door opened, only waking up when you saw those same eyes that had you smiling just a minute ago standing in front of you, staring at you as well.

“Hey Y/N! How’s it going?” He asked, smiling at you.

“Nothing much” You shrug “Just the same amount of pain and tiredness of the average college experience” Michael rolled his eyes at your sarcasm. That’s when a giggle caught your attention.

The most beautiful woman you ever laid your eyes on was standing next to Michael. She had the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen and her wavy hair complemented her face like an angel. She sure didn’t seem real, how did you not notice her when she entered? Were you really that busy focusing on Michael?

“I can totally relate to that” The girl said with a smile, god even her smile was perfect.

“Y/N, this is Veronica. Veronica, Y/N” Michael introduced.

You smiled politely at her and she did the same “Oh, the famous Y/N! I heard a lot about you, I can’t wait to get to know you better”

Um, what? Michael has been talking about you? To her? You couldn’t tell if it was good or a bad sign.

“Really? Well, don’t believe anything he says. Unless they are good things, then he’s right”

“Okay! Thank you, Y/N” He interrupted, mocking annoyance “I’ll take my usual please, darling. And she will have…”

“Just a mocha, please”

You nodded “Coming right up” You smiled at her as she walked to a table. Michael leaned over the counter and whispered.

“Could you do one of those drawing people do in the coffee? She will love that. Thanks.” He gave you a kiss on the cheek and walked away, sitting close to Veronica in one of the booths just before he could notice the way your cheeks turned to a much brighter red.

An hour passes. Then two. Then two and a half. And you were standing there, acting as a witness of their chemistry. You cursed yourself as your eyes drifted towards them, watching them laugh and talk about life. It was clear that Michael was enchanted by her, moving closer and closer every time, and you could tell the feeling was mutual as she laid her delicate hand on his.

Of course Michael would go for the pretty girls. Veronica was gorgeous, you couldn’t pinpoint a single defect on that girl, not even with a magnifying glass and you hated that. You hated the fact that he brought her here, you hated the fact that you have to work while his love story unfolds like a Taylor Swift song, you hated that it you weren’t the one sitting next to him, talking about dreams and how everything just collides perfectly within the universe. But that’s not your story.

“Earth calling Y/N?” A voice calls in front of you “Hello?”

You blink a few times and stare at the tall blond man waving his hand in front of your face “Sorry, Luke. Didn’t see you there” You excuse yourself “What can I get for you?”

“The usual, but this time with at least four more shots of espresso. I have to put an all nighter again cause I have that stupid presentation and you are not listening to me again”

“Sorry, what? Four shots of espresso, yeah.” Your gaze averted his “Anything else?”

“Okay, what’s going on?” Luke followed where your eyes led and soon he was, too, staring at the reason of your distraction “Oh”

Out of the four of them, Luke was the only one who knew about your feelings for Michael. He was always very supportive and didn’t pressure you into confessing right away, knowing it must be hard for you. So he can’t imagine what is going on inside your head right now, watching the man you love on a date.

“He didn’t tell me he had a date” You told him.

“He mentioned this morning” Luke added “Said he met her at one of his classes and that she seemed cool. So he asked her out. He never told us he would bring her here “You clenched your jaw, trying to keep the tears at bay. Luke noticed that “I’m sorry, love. I thought he told you about it”

“She is gorgeous, Luke”

“She’s not you, though” You scoffed.

“Exactly”

“Y/N…”

“I’m fine,” You lied “Really, I’m okay. It was a silly crush anyway. And plus, look how happy he looks”

And it was true. Michael did look very happy chatting and flirting with Veronica. His smile reaching his eyes as she spoke and laugh at all his jokes. He truly must like her, and you… Well, some people are just meant to be the side character of another person’s story.

Luke let out a sigh, knowing well enough to assume you are just going to bury your feelings like you always do “He will soon realize what he’s missing”

************************************************

Well, six months passed and he still hasn’t realized. It’s been six month since that fateful evening where you got your heart broken by the man you love. It’s been six months since Veronica has been a constant part of your daily life, sleeping over, joining on movie nights and replaced your spot next to your best friend. It’s been six months of dressing more ‘girly’, wearing make-up and doing your nails, all of it trying to call Michael’s attention, to make you look more like Veronica, more like someone you are not. And all of that for what? You still ended up crying yourself to sleep almost every night.

Luke has been there for you all this time, letting you crash in his place whenever she came over and trying to distract you from the heartache by making jokes or goofing around, sometimes even letting you stay the night just to talk or cry or whatever you needed.

Tonight, however, it was a special night. Michael texted you saying that he finally found the movie you were dying to see for years! It was a special straight to dvd movie with Betty White that you remember it being your favorite growing up but you could never find it anywhere. And to say that you were ecstatic when Michael suggested a movie night for the two of you, would be an understatement.

You got the popcorn ready, ordered some pizzas and the ice cream was in the freezer. It was the first time in months that you would have time alone with Michael and, honestly, you missed him like crazy. Yes, you know he lives there, but it’s been a while since you guys actually talked or shared a good laugh together. Putting your feelings towards him aside, you just missed your best friend.

Suddenly, the bell rang. It wasn’t uncommon for Michael to forget his keys, so you weren’t really surprised.

“How many times do I have to tell you that we bought you that keychain for a reason and-“ But it wasn’t Michael standing at the door “Veronica.. I thought you were Michael”

The girl smiled, (really, not even a chip tooth?) “Yeah, he told me he’ll be a little late and that I should just go ahead” She said as she made her way into the apartment.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I love movie night!”

He invited her. It was a moment for the two of you and he invited her.

You couldn’t be mad, could you? She’s his girlfriend, after all. She could be here and he had every right to invite her, but… But it still hurt. You thought you’d be spending the evening with your best friend, he said you would. It was a special movie for the both of you, why invite her?

“Can I be honest with you, Y/N?” Veronica said, pulling you away from your mind.

“Uh, sure”

“I have to admit, I was really intimidated by you”

“By me? Why?”

“Well, when Michael talked about you I always thought I had to compete for his attention. It was always Y/N this, Y/N that… He assured me that you were just friends, but I didn’t believe him until I met you. I love that he has a friend like you. You really mean a lot to him so, thank you”

You nodded and muttered a “no problem”

She was right, you were just a friend of Michael’s. Why did you ever think you could be more? Especially with someone like her in his life? It was foolish, it was crazy. He would never look at you the same so, why keep trying?

“So, what are we watching?”

“Oh, um… I don’t know. I’m not staying” You said, hiding the pain in your voice.

“But Michael told me-“

“I’m spending the night at Luke’s today. I totally forgot”

You rushed out of the living room and went straight to your room, letting the tears fall as you started packing for a few days. You needed to get away as soon as possible. You couldn’t handle staying here at the moment, it hurt too much.

Just as you were packing the last pieces of clothing, you heard Michael opening the front door. And surely, a few moments later he was pushing yours open.

“What do you mean you’re not staying tonight?” He barged in.

Your back was facing him, so you couldn’t see him, you didn’t want to see him, but he sounded hurt. Quickly, you wiped your tears with the back of the hand and tried to muttered something close to an unbothered tone.

“I’m going to Luke’s”

“You always go to Luke’s, are you two a thing or something? Because you seem to live there more than here”

You let out a small laugh, was he really that dense?

“There’s nothing going on between me and Luke-“

“Then why are you always in his place?”

“It’s none of your business”

“Well, Y/N it is. It is because I wanted you to spend the night because we rarely see each other anymore and now you’re ditching me again!”

He raised his voice a bit, clearly frustrated and confused. That alone made your anger take the best of you.

“Oh please, as if you really want me here”

Michael frowned “What does that suppose to mean?”

“Why did you invite her?”

“Veronica? She’s my girlfriend, I though-“

“I know that she’s your girlfriend, I get it. It’s just-“ You took a deep breath, trying not to cry or scream or both “It’s just that tonight was special, and I wanted to share that with my best friend. Only with my best friend. But I feel like everytime we try to do something together she’s always there and-“

“You don’t like her?”

“What? No, that’s the worst part. I actually think she’s great” You turned around and closed your bag, ready to leave “Michael I’m not going start a fight, I’m going to stay with Luke for a while. Don’t wait up”

You made your way out of the room, but before you could reach the door Michael’s hand grabbed you by the arm, making you stop.

“Michael” You warned “Let me go”

“No, wait. What do you mean with ‘that’s the worst part’?”

“I’m not having this conversation right now.”

“Yes, you are” Michael made you turn around. You were now looking at him in the eyes, he seemed hurt but you,, oh, you were in pain “Y/N, what is going on? You’ve been avoiding me lately, you’re not staying home, you don’t talk to me anymore, you’re dressing differently and sneaking out everytime I’m here. Is it because of Veronica?” You shook your head, slightly “Then what is it? Why are you pulling away from me?”

“Because it’s too damn hard!” You say looking away from him, unable to contain the tears any longer.

Michael’s eyes winded at your answer. His lips parted in surprise at your sudden outburst, wanting nothing more than to hold you but knowing you won’t let him.

“What?”

“You don’t get it, do you? No, you never did” You cry silent tears as your voice comes barely above a whisper “I can’t stay here because it hurts. Everytime I’m here she’s here too, like a reminder of everything I’m not. And I’ve tried-“ you choke “I tried to look more pretty, to be more ‘girly’ and feminine, losing myself every day. Hoping that maybe you’ll notice”

“Notice what?” Michael said softly.

You let out a breath.

“That I’m in love with you, you idiot”

Michael was taken aback by your answer, but he still wasn’t letting go of your arm. You love him? That’s what’s this all about?

“But I know you don’t feel the same. You never did and you never will. After all, I’m just Y/N. Just ‘one of the boys’ am I not?” He didn’t respond “It’s okay, I came to terms with that, I wouldn’t expect you to say something anyways” You released yourself from his grip and grabbed the last bag that laid on your bed “I’ll stay with Luke tonight and I’ll pick up my stuff in a few days”

Michael shook his head, as if he just realized what you just said “Wait, you’re moving?”

“What do you want me to do, Michael? Stay here? Pretend that things will be the same after this?! Go and have a movie night with your girlfriend and say that everything’s okay when I’m tearing myself apart in front of you?” You ask out of anger “I can’t do that, Michael. I need time”

“Y/N-“

“Why do you care anyways? I’m not a main character in your life. I’m not the type of girl you would fall for, or that you would consider feminine enough. I’m not pretty enough or funny enough and I’m tired of that. I’m tired of being an afterthought”

You turned around, already reaching for the doorknob when Michael’s hand wrapped around your waist, twisting you so your back was pressed against the door and your eyes were on him.

“Y/N, you were never an afterthought” He breathed close to you.

“Michael, what are yo-“

“Stay, please” But before you could say anything else, you felt his lips on yours.

The kiss was everything you dreamed it would be. Fast, rough and passionate. His hands traveled down your spine as he deepened the kiss, getting more needy by the second. Your hands flew to his neck, bringing him even closer, wanting to feel every part of him. You wanted to let yourself go, to fill these long needed desire. But you couldn’t forget about the girl waiting in the living room.

With all the strength you could manage, you pushed Michael away from you as the tears came flooding down again.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” You spat at him in anger “You can’t do that to me. You can’t just kiss me and expect to fix everything. Who do you think I am?” You could tell he was trying to say something, but you were not in the mood to listen “I won’t let you do this to me. I won’t let you do this to her. I’m leaving, Michael. Get your shit together”

And with that, you ran through the door and didn’t look back.

A few hours later, you were settled in with Luke in his apartment. When you arrived, you asked him to please not say anything, that you weren’t ready to talk just yet. He just nodded and let you in.

You cried on his shoulders for what it felt like an eternity. Your head was pounding and your voice was hoarse. You’ve never felt so heartbroken before.

“C-can I stay here for a while? Until I find my own place?” You asked him.

“Of course, darling” Luke said, kissing your head “Take all the time you need”

You stayed like that for a while. He comforting you through your silent tears until you fell asleep.

A week passes by and you are not feeling any better. You haven’t been sleeping well and you’re barely eating despite Luke’s pleads. Ashton and Calum showed up one day to check up on you, but you still refused to talk about it. Maybe you were embarrassed, maybe the memory of that kiss was too recent, too painful to talk about. Maybe you just didn’t know how.

One night you fell asleep on the living room, the TV working as the background noise that drowned your thoughts. You were peacefully dreaming for the first time in days when the sound of muffled voices woke you up. You were still laying in the sofa, but Luke was nowhere in sight. That’s until you heard him talk.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea”

“Please, I need to talk to her” the other man pleaded.

Michael was standing at the door. He looked like a complete wreck. His hair was undone and a bit greasy from ruffling it with his fingers way too much, his eyes were bloodshot and glossy, still fighting to contain the tears in front of his friend.

“Look, man. I love you, but she doesn’t need this right now and-“

“Let him in, Luke”

The two tall men turned towards you. You were standing behind the sofa, your eyes never leaving Michael’s. Luke simply nodded and headed to his room, giving you the privacy you needed.

“I’ll be there if you need me” He said to you.

You muttered a small ‘Thank you’ to him before fixing your gaze upon Michael. He was still frozen by the door, unsure on how to say what he has to say.

Letting out a breath, you decided to break the ice “Michael-“

“I broke up with her” He said in one breath.

“You what?!”

“The night you left,,, I-I broke up with her because I couldn’t keep lying to myself anymore”

“What do you mean?”

He hesitantly took a step closer to you, afraid that he was overstepping again.

“All this time, for years, I’ve been avoiding my own feelings. Tucked them away at the farthest corner in my closet, hoping that they’ll fade soon. I couldn’t cope with them, I was too afraid to.

‘“I told myself that I was being foolish, immature and downright stupid for thinking that the girl I love would love me back. How could she? She was beautiful, shared my sense of humor, my interests and she was extremely cool. I told myself that a girl like that could never want me. But, strangely, she did, as a friend. And I was content with that, at least I would have her be part of my life.

‘“So I hid my feelings until I couldn’t see them, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t feel them. And every day I would remind myself that she was my friend and I was beyond lucky for that. I kept letting myself down on a daily basis, trying to keep the thoughts away, hoping that one day I could believe them. But I never thought of the consequences my actions had towards the girl.

‘“Y/N, when you left I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like a vital part of me was missing and you took it away with you. And I deserved it, I truly did. Y/N, I was an asshole”

“Michael,”

“No, I was. Hearing you say those things about yourself, like you were broken and needed to be fixed, it broke my heart, darling” His voice broke at the end, fighting helplessly to contain the tears that were burning behind his eyes “I- I never meant for you to think that I didn’t love you for who you were. That you needed to change in order to get me to like you. You shouldn’t change for anyone, love, you are absolutely perfect the way you are. You always have been and always will be.

‘“Y/N, you were never just ‘one of the boys’, you are my best friend, my soulmate and the best thing that has ever happened to me by far. I’ve always known that, but I was just too much of a coward to let it show and I’m sorry.

‘“When you told me you loved me, god. Y/N, I’ve never felt so happy and confused at the same time! I couldn’t fanthom the thought of you loving me, it seemed surreal after so many years of telling myself that it was impossible, almost like a cruel joke. But you did, and I could tell by your eyes that it was true, and I hated myself for that. I hated the fact that I was hurting you instead of loving you like I wanted to. I hated the fact that you felt like you had to leave in order for you to fix what I broke. I hated that I ruined our first kiss by a stupid impulse because you didn’t deserve that. You deserve the world and I was so scared of the fact that I might’ve lost the chance to be able to give it to you.

‘“ I broke up with her the night you left. It wasn’t fair to you, to her or to me to keep denying my feelings any longer. And I know that I don’t deserve it, but I’m standing here to ask you for forgiveness. I’m sorry that I made you feel less than you are. I’m sorry that I broke your heart. I’m sorry that I wasn’t brave enough to tell you this the moment you walked out the door that night. I will keep apologizing for the rest of my life if necessary, Y/N. But I just- I just don’t want to lose you”

You were standing in front of him. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you took in everything he said to you.

He loved you.

He loves you.

And you love him.

Michael was staring at his feet, too afraid to look up and see the disappointment in your face. To scared to lose you and everything you meant to him. Maybe coming here was a mistake, maybe you don’t want to know anything about him anymore. And he deserved that.

“Well,” You finally say, swallowing the lump in your throat “You still owe me that movie night”

His eyes light up as he saw you smiling at him. He returned it by grabbing you by the waist and pulling you closer to him. Leaning so your lips could met again.

Smiling into the kiss, you swore that you will never let go of the other again.

253 notes · View notes

kaleidoscopeminds · 4 years

Note

Hi meg!! “If it snows, wake me up.” with lashton please?

hi em!!! remember when i solicited prompts weeks and weeks ago? yeah me too... anyway here is some very late and very baby lashton for you, loads of love 💖💖

It’s late, well not really late, but late enough that Ashton’s considering that it might be time for showering and sleeping when he decides that before he does, he wants to go and make a cup of tea. He drags himself out of the warmth of his bed to go downstairs, pulling on a hoodie and some socks as he goes. They’ve been in London for over a month now but he still wasn’t getting used to it being cold in January, and especially not this cold. He debates putting on a beanie but decides to just pull his hood up and head downstairs. He makes his way to the kitchen, but sees there’s still a light on in the back room, so after he puts the kettle on he pokes his head around the door.

Luke is sat curled up on the sofa next to the french doors, nose almost pressed up against the glass, staring into the dark. Ashton can see his reflection in the doors, lit by the side lamp casting Luke in a glow, his tired eyes blinking slowly and chewing slowly on his lip.

“I thought you were watching a movie with Mikey,” Ashton says, and Luke jumps, having been so absorbed in watching outside he didn’t hear Ashton approach.

“It’s meant to snow tonight,” Luke says, turning his big eyes to Ashton, glimmering with wonder and excitement, fringe just flopping in them slightly before he hurriedly pushes it out of the way.

“That’ll be why it’s so fucking cold,” Ashton grumbles, leaning on the door frame, but smiles slightly at Luke being so thrilled.

“Snow, Ashton. Aren’t you excited?” Luke says, grin growing, shining and radiant. He shivers a little and Ashton frowns, he’s sat on the sofa in just a T-shirt and some pyjama bottoms, feet and arms bare, and the heating in the house clicked off an hour or so again.

“Why don’t you have a hoodie on?” Ashton asks. “You must be freezing.”

“Okay Mum,” Luke says rolling his eyes. “I have my actual mum upstairs, you know. I don’t need you too.”

Ashton comes into the room slightly to flick Luke’s foot, even just doing that he can feel that it's the temperature of ice, and he makes a disapproving noise.

“You’re going to get frostbite,” He reprimands. “No one wants a lead singer with only one foot. Here, have this.”

He pulls off his own hoodie despite the temperature and drops it in Luke’s lap, before digging around under the sofa.

“Aha!” He says, extracting a slightly worn blanket. He shakes it out before draping it over Luke’s lap as Luke pulls on Ashton’s hoodie.

“You’ll be cold now,” Luke protests, but he’s already got both his hands in the arms and is pulling the rest of the hoodie over his head.

Ashton looks at Luke fondly as his head pops out the neck of the hoodie, eyes glimmering and hair flattened against his face. Luke was growing at the speed of light these days, upwards and also outwards, his shoulders stretching Ashton’s hoodie far more than Ashton knows his own shoulders do. A small part of him hopes he stops growing soon, he wouldn’t want to live in a universe where Luke wearing his clothes is an impossibility, however much he might complain about the other boy stealing his socks.

“I’m good.” Is all Ashton says. “Do you want tea? I’m making a cup.”

Luke nods and Ashton grins at him before going back into the kitchen and pulling out a second mug. He pours the hot water, pulls out the sugar for Luke and grabs the milk out the fridge, humming a melody that he and Michael had been working on earlier that week. He picks up the two mugs and heads back through to the other room to find Luke, head turned back towards the window with the hood up on the hoodie, feet tucked under the blanket and the sleeves stretched even further to cover his hands. He looks back at Ashton as he returns and makes grabby hands for the mug.

“Do you wanna sit with me for a bit?” Luke asks. And really, what was Ashton going to say, with Luke sat there in Ashton’s hoodie, curled up on the sofa and gleaming blue eyes blinking at him hopefully.

“My bed was calling me, but I guess I can sit with you for a bit, loser,” He teases, placing both mugs on the coffee table and sitting down next to Luke.

Luke immediately stretches his legs to stuff his feet underneath Ashton’s thighs, a typical move from Luke, unable to keep his limbs to himself if any of his bandmates were close by, but tucking his feet under Ashton’s leg was a thing Luke had always done. He had perpetually cold hands and feet, but often refused to wear socks, and so whenever Ashton would sit next to him Luke would take the opportunity to stuff his feet under there to warm them up. Ashton would bitch about this, but secretly he’d be pleased, he knows that if there was a definition for the saying “cold feet warm heart” it would be Luke Hemmings, with his shy smile and easy kindness, anyone who met him would be immediately enamoured with his radiance. As was Ashton half the time.

“Write anything good today?” Ashton asks Luke, hand resting on his knee, fingers beating out a small rhythm there.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Luke says absentmindedly, fiddling with his sleeves and scrunching his nose.

“What’s on your mind Lukey?” Ashton says, reaching out and tapping the tip of his nose before sliding his finger up to the bridge, smoothing out the creases. He knows Luke has something playing on his mind more than the snow, it wasn’t Luke’s usual move to isolate himself, he does best with a group of people nearby.

“Do you ever feel like this can’t be real?” Luke says thoughtfully, tipping his head to one side.

“What do you mean?” Ashton says patiently.

Luke sighs and plays with his fringe. It's getting a little curly as it's the end of the day, loosening from its normally straightened place on Luke’s forehead and Ashton likes it all the more for it, despite him normally sporting an identical straightened look.

“Just, like, I wake up in the morning and I feel like I’m still in a dream half the time, like none of this should be happening. We’re living here in the UK, we’re about to go on tour with One Direction and we wrote with James Bourne from Busted last week,” Luke says, laughing a little and shaking his head. “I’m seventeen, I feel like I’ll wake up any second and my mum will be banging at my door trying to get me to get up for Year 12, and then I do wake up to my mum banging on my door but I’m here in London and I’m living with my best mates and I’ve signed a record deal. It’s not real Ash, it can’t be.”

Ashton looks at Luke curled up on the sofa next to him and slips a hand into Luke’s, stopping him fiddling with the sleeve of Ashton’s hoodie. Luke looks at him in surprise but holds on tightly as Ashton runs his thumb over the back of Luke’s hand and smiles at him.

He finds it funny that Luke has these doubts of the reality of the situation they find themselves in, he himself has them every day, has to pinch himself that he’s no longer struggling through uni working shitty jobs and trying to take care of his family, remind himself that he’s waking up to do what he loves rather than dragging himself through another day. But Luke, well, in Ashton’s head Luke was always meant to end up here. End up doing something more than the life he was born into. Even without the rest of them Luke would end up a star, he glowed too bright, his light far too dazzling to be turned down or ignored. Ashton was grateful every single day to be bathed in its glow for even half a minute let alone the last year, and if Ashton was lucky, many of the years ahead of them.

“It’s real, Luke I promise,” Ashton says instead. He squeezes Luke’s hand, taps his fingers on the other hand onto Luke’s knee, and wiggles his legs on top of Luke’s feet. “Feel that, Lukey? It’s all real, you’re here with me on this sofa in a random house in the outskirts of London and we’re gonna be a fucking huge and successful band in a couple of years.”

It's not something he hasn’t told Luke before; Ashton had an unwavering faith in the band, in what they could achieve, in what they had which made them special, but Ashton thinks that with the One Direction tour coming up and all the doors that were being opened to them, that the others might just be starting to believe it too.

Luke laughs, biting his tongue, and shakes his head. “If you say so, Ash.”

“I know so,” Ashton says, picking up their teas from the coffee table and handing one off to Luke, taking a sip of his own before continuing.

“Who told you it was gonna snow then?” He asks.

Luke has both hands wrapped around his cup for warmth and takes a gulp of tea. “Mum did,” He says.

“I thought Michael might have been trying to wind you up again,” Ashton says with a grin.

“I hope it snows, I want to see snow,” Luke says pitifully, drinking his tea.

“It’s cold rain, Luke,” Ashton says rolling his eyes.

“Don’t be so boring, you’re nineteen, not ninety,” Luke says playfully, punching Ashton in the shoulder with his free hand.

“Well as I’m so ancient, I should probably go to bed,” Ashton says. “As should you, Luke.”

“Fine,” Luke says, frowning. “But in the morning, if it snows wake me up, please.”

“Why am I waking you up?” Ashton asks.

“Because you’ll be awake first I know you will, and I don’t wanna miss out on any of the snow.”

“It’s not going anywhere.”

“Ashton, please?” Luke says. Ashton looks at Luke, illuminated by the side lamp, eyes glittering and smile beaming, and thinks of the way Luke will light up if it really does snow. He nods his head slowly. Ashton will never refuse an opportunity to be the cause of Luke’s happiness, taking every chance to stand in the glow he emits for another minute.

#prompt #prompt fic #5sos fanfiction #lashton #lashton fic #meg fic #if u see me posting a fic at 3:15am no u don't #i cannot sleep so i thought i would be ~useful~#love u em #redrattlers #ask

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tirednotflirting · 4 years

Text

on a summer evening (baby, you’re the end of june)

please enjoy more soft lashton that i wrote for stress relief after another week of job applications

special thanks to @another-lonely-heart for giving this a read last night and saying such kind things about it and also @calumcest bc she yelled at me enough the other day to convince me to start actually posting my writing lol.

The early summer, golden hour sky is dark with swirling gray clouds and a windy rainstorm when Ashton realizes he’s in love.

There hadn’t been any rain in the forecast for the day. It was four days past the solstice so it should have been miserable out, but LA decided to give its faithful citizens a little treat in the form of a light breeze so sitting outside with a cool drink and a guitar was quite pleasurable. Which is exactly why when he received a text from Luke asking if he could play through some of the melodies he had been playing around with the past couple of weeks, Ashton replied to tell him that the front door would be open and to grab himself a drink before coming to the back deck.

Ashton locks his phone and turns when he hears the sliding door open and attempts to control the blush he feels rise to his cheeks when he watches Luke step toward the chair beside him in a white linen shirt that floats against his chest, one hand holding the neck of his guitar and a beer in the other. His hair is back in a tiny bun and his sunglasses threaten to fall off the end of his nose. He's a vision of a nice summer day, like the one they’re having right now, Ashton thinks to himself.

They spend the next couple of hours working through some of what Luke had come up with that he plays for Ashton from piecing together bits from voice notes on his phone. Luke giggles at the older boy whenever he stumbles over some of the more technical patterns, still not a native to the strings like Luke. (And okay, yes, maybe he was faking some of that a little bit. But it made Luke laugh in the way that his nose would scrunch up far too adorably so there was really no harm to it, he thinks.) The stuff he’s been working on is really good, Ashton repeatedly tells him. He can see all of them ending up in their future singles.

They've just started working on one of the last voice notes that Luke has when a raindrop splashes off of the body of the guitar Ashton was holding from when he had run down to his studio about halfway through the list. A matching pout appears against the lips of both boys as they gather up everything they had brought out as the raindrops pick up, their clothes dampening as they hurry through the glass door.

It’s within the next couple of minutes that the storm neither of them had noticed previously really rolls in and picks up. It's still relatively early, only about 4.30, but as Ashton stands just inside the sliding door looking up at the sky, he knows this is going to go on for a while. His weather app confirms the thought and Luke groans when he looks at the screen Ashton is holding out toward him. “Guess I should head home then?”

Ashton turns from his spot just inside the kitchen where he’s just plugged in his phone to the charger at the island. They’ve had a really good afternoon and for some reason he really really does not want it to end. “I mean,” he starts, a hand running through the hair at the back of his neck, the ends now wet from their escape out of the storm. “I wouldn’t mind the company. Unless you’ve gotta get back to Petunia?”

Luke shakes his head quickly, a small smile appearing as the curls that have escaped his bun fly around like a little halo. “I dropped her at Cal’s place on my way here for a playdate with Duke, I'm sure he wouldn’t mind her being there awhile longer.”

Ashton tries then to control the deepening of his dimples as he nods at the response. “Well, we should change then and maybe we can break for a bit and make an early dinner?”

Luke agrees to the plan and follows Ashton down the hall to his bedroom. Ashton hunts around for a pair of sweats and a long sleeve with the band’s logo from the previous tour, the current weather allowing him to ignore the calendar for the time being in terms of wearing something cozy. He turns to face Luke and gestures towards the closet as if to say “have at it” and changes on the opposite side of the room, leaving Luke to do the same inside the walk-in.

They all practically grew up living out of suitcases in shared hotel rooms, so naturally, all four of them have pieces that belong to the others in their closets. Knowing that any of his pants would run just a little bit too short on Luke, Ashton assumes Luke would go digging through the drawers for a pair of his own that are inevitably tucked away somewhere. He figures he’ll do the same with his t-shirts. So it comes as a surprise (though not one he’s even the slightest bit upset about) when Luke steps out from the closet with one of Ashton's bigger hoodies covering his upper half. The sleeves hang a bit long on Luke, his fingers able to wrap around the cuff to make sweater paws.

(Ashton silently prays that the lack of light in the room due to the storm blocking much natural light from entering will obscure the blush he knows is boldly sitting on his cheeks at the sight of the cozy boy.)

“Is it cool if I borrow this? Kinda chilly,” Luke asks.

“Yeah, no, of course,” Ashton nods back, knowing he answered the question far too quickly.

Luke grins his thanks. “Let's make something, I'm starving.”

Ashton soon realizes that when Luke asked if they could make something, what he really meant was if Ashton could make them something. Not that he minds at all, knowing that growing up as they did made learning skills around the kitchen a little difficult on the blonde. He needs to go to the store soon so he pulls out what odds and ends he can find - some chicken, some rice, random vegetables still in his produce drawer. Ashton sets to work cleaning and chopping up the vegetables after figuring out the spice situation for the chicken.

Luke watches him work silently from where he’s hopped up onto the counter, telling Ashton stories from his week. He talks about Petunia, talks about the call he had with his parents and brothers. They discuss plans for the Fourth of July (ignoring their lack of American citizenship in favor of lighting sparklers and eating loads of good food in Michael's backyard). It’s a nice, lazy (incredibly domestic, Ashton thinks) activity, catching up on the week while Ashton makes them a meal. He wonders if the simplicity of it all has Luke feeling as warm as he does.

Luke decides he wants a mug of hot chocolate and pulls the powder and milk from their respective spots, despite Ashton's complaints that it was too much sugar before a meal. Luke is stirring the powder into the microwave-warmed mug of milk when his phone starts playing a tone letting him know he’s getting a call. He drops the spoon in the sink before reaching into his hoodie pocket and swiping his thumb across the screen. He smiles as he brings the phone to his ear. “Hey Cal, my girl behaving?”

He picks up the mug and walks out from the kitchen, standing at the sliding door that leads to the backyard, a bright smile lighting up his eyes despite the lack of sunshine from beyond the glass, obviously laughing at something Calum has just told him. Ashton reduces the heat on the pan he’s just tossed the sautéed vegetables into with the chicken, knowing the rice needs a few more minutes. He turns then to lean against the counter and look at the boy standing in his living room as he wipes his hands on a dish towel.

And it's then that he feels it. Watching Luke giggle softly through his response to whatever he’s speaking with Calum about, his mug held close to his face to warm his cheeks, Ashton feels something. He’s watching Luke comfortably move through his home, wearing Ashton’s clothes, talking to their friend as he sips from his designated favorite mug while Ashton makes him dinner. It's a scene that has a mob of butterflies flying through his stomach straight up to his heart and taking over his thoughts because Ashton suddenly finds himself knowing he would give up anything to watch this exact moment play out everyday for the rest of his life if he could. Watching this person he cares so so deeply for be warm and safe and happy and with him. Ashton had always thought he had been in love before but now as he watches Luke's eyes squeeze shut as he laughs against the rim of the mug, the porch light illuminating his face with a soft yellow glow, he knows this is new to him and it’s love.

He's given about three seconds to process all of that before Luke turns to him. He's still smiling but his eyes give Ashton a confused look, as if asking if he’s okay. Ashton's lips turn up and he waves his hand as if to tell him to dismiss his concern. Luke lifts his mug to acknowledge the response as he lacks a free hand and turns away as he wanders to the couch, phone still pressed to his ear.

Ashton turns back to the stove, attempting to force himself to focus on plating the food he’s made rather than the thoughts swirling and racing through his mind about the man on his sofa. He’d come to terms with this crush a long time ago, not permitting himself to ever think about it for too long for this exact reason. He’s internally blaming the long spring of being cooped up inside his house with his thoughts when he feels a presence behind him. He moves to turn to face Luke, to try to make some joke about why he’s bugging Ashton while he cooks, when a gentle hand is placed against his left hip to hold him in place while Luke holds out his phone in front of Ashton's face.

“Look at Duke and Petunia,” he coos. “They’re cuddling.”

And the picture is incredibly cute, the two dogs cozied up together on the floor in front of Calum’s couch. Ashton tells Luke this in a tone that the drummer realizes probably sounds just a little too strained to be talking about dogs napping together. The tone must have been recognized by Luke as a puzzled look falls on his face as he squeezes the hip his hand rests at and bumps his head against Ashton’s temple. “You all good?”

Ashton reaches up, rubbing at Luke’s messy curls teasingly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just hungry.” He steps out of Luke’s hold then as he turns and hands him a plate, gesturing over to the bar where they can eat (his dining room table being covered with papers since the band’s tour meetings earlier in the week) and asks Luke to grab him a water while he finishes making his own plate.

They eat relatively quickly, neither of them realizing until they sit down that they never bothered to eat lunch before working on music earlier. Luke volunteers to clean up while Ashton flips through Netflix for something to watch while they wait for the storm to pass, the radar predicting the heavier part should be past the city within the next few hours.

Behind him, Ashton hears the dishwasher close and start a cleaning cycle as he clicks play on some indie movie that’s been sitting in his queue for awhile. He takes a seat close to one of the arms of the couch as he watches the opening credits roll. Luke flicks off the kitchen light, leaving the room dark aside from a lamp near the hall that leads to the foyer and the glow of the TV. He takes a seat beside Ashton on the couch, his head immediately falling to rest against the shoulder of the other boy.

Ashton tenses for just a moment at the pressure against his shoulder and the smell of Luke’s conditioner hitting his nose before he relaxes some. He sits up just a bit so Luke isn’t having to bend over to a weird angle to allow the position. Luke hums his thanks and pulls the sleeves of the hoodie back over his palms.

They watch the characters on screen go about their lives in pretty normal situations that indie movies tend to be fond of romanticizing. Ashton still feels warm with all of his feelings and butterflies flapping around in his body when he feels a hand reach over, fingers slipping into the spots between his own, a slightly smaller palm pressing against his. He turns his head just slightly but makes no move to change the position, only moving their clasped hands to rest against his lap as Luke’s thumb rubs gently against his first knuckle.

“Days with you are nice,” Luke says softly, so much so that Ashton barely hears him over the dialogue happening between the characters on the screen. “And slow.”

Ashton lets out a laugh, one he hopes doesn’t sound as nervous as he feels. “Slow?”

“They feel slower, but like,” he stops the motion of his thumb for a minute and Ashton lets his head tilt some to rest against Luke’s curls. “But a good kind of slow? Like the universe is allowing more time to fit into the hours somehow.”

Ashton’s heart is soaring at his words. It practically leaves him at a loss for them himself. “Nice of the universe to let us have that, I guess.”

“I feel pretty lucky, yeah.”

That’s all he says then, his focus returning back to the screen. Ashton isn’t quite sure what the short exchange just then meant but he can tell that it meant something and for now he decides that’s good enough. He wants to be big and bold but it’s obvious that Luke likes slow things. And Ashton really likes Luke. So he can do his best to do slow, for him.

He lifts his head then and shifts some to allow his hand to stay pressed against Luke’s but moves to rest his head against the fluffy arm of the sofa on his left. It’s still pretty early but Ashton suddenly feels so sleepy. He’s silently debating with himself about whether or not the exhaustion is due to his racing mind or the cluster of butterflies still flying between his head and his heart when he lets his eyes drift shut.

(It’s about twenty minutes later that Luke carefully slides a pillow under Ashton’s head and drapes a blanket over him, knowing he’s prone to getting cold during the night. He quietly moves about to slip his boots back on and leave his empty mug in the sink. He considers going back to the bedroom to change into one of the shirts he knows actually belongs to him in Ashton’s closet before heading out. But then he catches a whiff of the other boy’s sunshiney, bright cologne on the collar and thinks about the look in Ashton’s eye when he saw Luke walk out of the closet in it earlier and decides he can’t bear to part with it tonight - the hoodie of course, not the way he felt from that look. Definitely not the look.)

#lashton #lashton fic #5sos fic #will i EVER learn how to tag things in a way that works? probably not #i am not kidding i wrote most of this from like midnight-2am last night if there are some grammar things that i missed fixing i am v sorry #also i have yet to figure out a good time to post but eh

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allsassnoclass · 4 years

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I forgot about he dorm thing. have you been eating properly at least?? I loved it! Im going to leave a detailed comment on the actual fic with the parts I loved but!! how completely delighted luke is to have multiple soulmates. michael being grumpy about sharing cal. the soulmarks at the end to match. luke keeps listed soulmate stats. their crushes on each other! the platonic love and emotion! M this was so good!

I'm putting your other soulmate au asks under a read more because there could be spoilers there (although I’m glad you asked about the colors), but to answer your question about eating properly: yesterday afternoon I would’ve said yes because I had a really nice lunch but then I just. did not eat dinner. I kept putting it off, then I had a meeting and was going to eat after, but the meeting got done at midnight so I didn’t. whoops!

I also love! in the soulmate thing! That michael gets so insecure about his love for calum bc he doesnt think calum loves him like that! but calum does! and everyone knows it! also luke "my miniscle crush on ashton is not the problem here"

Oh! Do the colors in soulmate AU mean something? like are they important for each guy?

first of all thanks for the lovely comments I’m glad you enjoyed reading it!!!

As for the colors, they kind of meant something and kind of didn’t. I came up with them based on each of the boys, then sent an ask to bella and she came up with pretty similar results, so I stuck with it.

Michael: I went with red not just because of the iconic red hair, but because it’s a pretty loud and brash color. Michael (especially when he was younger) doesn’t really filter things, wears a decent amount of his personality on his sleeve, and first reaction that said red to me

Luke: Luke gets gold because he is a sunshine boy! Luke actually was the person I had the most trouble with, because I was flipping between gold, a lighter blue, or pink. Pink ultimately was too close to red to make me be able to visualize what the marks looked like on each boy to my satisfaction like it just looked ugly. I went with gold because there is a lot of outward brightness in Luke. He’s the kind of person where if he’s happy everyone else gets a bit happier, and gold also seemed fitting for the eventual shift into a rockstar and the amount of talent he has

Ashton: Ashton gets purple, but a deeper purple. Dynamic but still relatively stable, has a lot of depth. Purple is a secret color, but it’s still beautiful and it draws people in. When I visualize it it ends up being a really dark shade, but in reality he’s probably more of a royal purple than a plum purple

Calum: Calum has always been forest green. This is partially influenced by that one hoodie, but I also think green is a very dependable, stable color. It reminds me of pine trees, and I think Calum can give off that same sense of reliability in weathering the seasons. It’s a quieter color but can really pop next to another one. It also worked out nicely that Calum and Michael’s colors were compliments

So the colors were deliberately chosen for each boy I didn’t just throw a dart at the color wheel, but don’t necessarily have hidden meaning within the text I guess

#ask #pixiegrl #in my defense the meeting was only supposed to go until like 11 maybe 11:30 #reviews #soulmate colors au

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cashtonwoah-blog · 6 years

Text

Ashton Irwin Imagine // Escape

Warnings: Swearing, depression/self harm. Individuals may find this triggering., viewers discretion is strongly advised. Please seek support if you feel affected by this. My messages are always open if you want to chat!

Although this imagine is quite sad and personally dark, it does have a happy ending!

"Babe? Please talk to me. " I hear Ashton mutter through the key hole to our bathroom. I couldn't speak, I just needed to be alone right now. I’d had a crap day at work. My boss had a go at me for being 5 minutes late. Like really? The traffic into town was hectic and my car was playing up, even before I left. She shouted at me as soon as I walked into the door, straight away putting me in a bad mood. I then was greeted by an angry customer, who also reminded me that I was 5 minutes late to her beauty appointment. I normally loved my job, however recently I'd become distant. It was now the summer time in LA, which meant I could no longer wear a long cardigan to cover my arms with. Plus my boss was getting funny with me wearing bracelets to hide my wrists. I used to be good at covering my scars. I’d be able to cover them with heavy foundation and powder, so much so that Ashton didn't know I used to hurt myself the first 6 months of us dating. I remember the day he caught me though.

“Y/N, which shirt should I wear to the dinner ton-” he said, carrying two choices of shirts. He stopped his sentence as he walked into the bathroom. He could see the blood in the sink, dripping around the edge of the sick and onto the floor. He then noticed the blood on my wrists, and the blade in my shaky right hand. He ran over to me, grabbing the razor out of my band and throwing it into the toilet. He then grabbed the nearest white towel and wrapped it tightly around my arm. He then grabbed me, pulled me to the floor and pulled me into a deep embrace.

“Wh-why did you do this to yourself?” he questioned my actions. I sobbed into his chest.

“I don-don't know i-I'm sor-sorry” I sobbed back. I fully knew well why I did it. Just everything had recently been too much. From work, college and family stuff, I wasn't coping. My only release was through hurting myself. If i’d just remembered to lock the door, none of this would have happened.

“Please promise me you won't do this again” he asked me softly. I looked up at him. His blotchy red eyes were wet just like mine. How could I promise such a big thing? Yet I could see how much it was affecting him,

“I promise” fully meaning it.

Or so I thought. Sat here after a stressful day. My boss had made me work double the amount of time I was supposed to, my car had broke down, my Mum had phoned to say I had to pay her for some shopping she did for me a while back, and to top it all off, Ashton and I had plans to go out to dinner with the other 5SOS boys to celebrate the release of their new album. I just wasn't up for it. We’d argued just before we were due to go out, over who was going to drive to the restaurant.

“Ash just let me drive, you’ll want to have a drink and i’m not fussed about drinking!” I huffed.

“You won't, you’ll moan later that you will be the only sober one there” he said, rushing around the room trying to get ready.

“Well lets get an Uber then!” I suggested, trying to diffuse the tension.

“Ubers are expensive, Y/N!” he exclaimed.

“Uh you always make our plans so difficult!” I screamed, shutting myself in the bathroom door.

“Y/N please open the door. I’m worried about you” Ashton said on the other side of the door, snapping me back into reality. I was still laying on the floor, black mascara smudged around my face. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror, seeing my reflecting made me cry more. I opened the cabinet on the wall and grabbed my hairbrush. Ashton didn't know but I'd hidden a spare razor inside my hairbrush. I took my top off, releasing my bare skin. I admired the scars I already had present on my wrist. I traced a finger along the new and old scars, thinking of where to place my newest addition. I felt further tears fall from my eyes. Suddenly, I heard a loud bang, and saw Ashton barging through the door. He’d actually smashed our wooden bathroom door to get through. I froze, unable to move. Before I could do anything, Ashton once again snatched the razor away from my wrist. He help me tight once again, as I collapsed into his arms. I was so exhausted and emotionally drained, I drifted off to sleep in his arms, on the bathroom floor.

*A few days later*

“A wellness centre? You're kidding right?” I asked, looking at the leaflet.

“I think it would be a good break for us both! Plus its more of a spa in Holland Y/N, surrounded by beautiful lakes” Ashton said, smiling as he beckoned my body onto his lap as he sat at the dining room table on his laptop. I sighed, reluctant to sit. Since having my meltdown the other day, Ashton had been researching holidays for us, and had come across a wellness centre in Europe. The aim of the centre was to allow individuals to “explore and heal their emotions”. Yuck, I thought.

“I think it would be a great idea babe. Some time off work. I’ve been able to push back some album promotion stuff too with the guys, they’ll continue it without me” Ashton said.

“Ash you can't do that, your album has just come out, you need to promote the shit out of it!” I sighed.

“Yes, but my priority is YOU Y/N” he replied. I smiled at this comment, still feeling bad for him. Him and the other 5SOS boys had been working so hard on the album. I couldn't take Ashton away from that.

“You won't be taking me away Y/N, I need a break too. And I think you could do with one too” he replied, cocking his head to the side and pouting. You couldn't disagree. You did need a little therapy to help you deal with your depression. You'd been to a therapist and doctor endless times, however no medication or yoga position or music cured you.

“Deal, but I want the window seat on the plane” I sighed, finally giving up.

“Deal”

***************

“Welcome, to Escape, a wellness centre” you heard a women at the front desk say to you in a calming voice. You calmly sighed, already feeling relaxed. A bell boy came and took your bags as you checked in. Ashton squeezed your hand and smiled at you, kissing you on the cheek. You were given the keys to your room, and were amazed at how big the room was. You had a king size bed, TV, free mini bar and ensuite, followed by a balcony which had an amazing view of the lake.

“I think I’m going to like it here” I whispered.

*************

The only downside to being at this wellness centre was the group therapy. I totally got why Ashton was so desperate for us to come here, it was due to the therapy techniques. They had couple counselling, 1:1 therapy and this; group therapy. Ashton had made my go to every single activity on offer. I groaned as soon as Ashton said it started at 9am. I crawled my body there, sitting in a circle with him on my left, and the session leader, a blonde girl called Marissa, on my right.

“Welcome to group therapy, my name is Marissa, and I will be leading this session” she welcomed everyone. Throughout the whole session, Marissa went on about our star signs and have they have emotional connections with one another etc blah blah blah. But towards the end of the session I started to agree what she said. She said that the actions we take out on ourselves are never permanent, and that we should not be reminded of them. She also said that pain was never permanent and that any difficulties could be dealt with closely. I decided to book a 1:1 therapy slot with her straight after.

“So tell me Y/N, what brings you here?” she asked me in my session. I sighed, just wanting to run out of the room and cry. I hated talking about myself.

“Well, I don't know if I’m honest. My boyfriend thought it would be good if I came to see you. Al this kinda stuff seems, well rubbish to me”.

“I see. What would you like to talk about?”

I became silent, just wanting to burst open like a balloon, and spill out all of my worries, concerns and fears. I didn't feel confident enough yet, so I decided to open up about the main reason why I was here.

“My attempt to destroy myself a few weeks back”.

“Describe what happened”.

And so I did. I sat there, for 45 minutes, telling Marissa every single detail of how I felt recently. My work stress, my college deadlines, dealing with dating a famous person. I spoke about how my Mum and Dad had gotten divorced when I was young. I talking about the time my Dad and Mum physically fought in front of me. I talked about how my first boyfriend cheated on me, breaking my heart. I was finally able to open up to someone. And I felt so safe afterwards. I finally felt open, and ready to talk to Ashton about how I felt. At the end of the session, Marissa handed me a positive quotes book. At first I sniggered, but turning through the book as I left made me smile. Inside was a small pack of crayons with a colouring page on each page. Each page had a self healing quote. At the front of the book it read

“Every time you find yourself healing a little more, colour in a page”

I decided to colour in the first page, to commence the first chapter of my recovery. The first quote read:

“Healing is an art. It takes time, practice and love”

I walked back into our room, jumped on the bed and started colouring in my first book. As soon as I got comfy, I heard our door unlock, and was greeted by a very relaxed looking Ashton, in a dressing gown, who had just come back from a massage. I giggled.

“Someone looks happy” I said to him. He smiled

“I could say the same for you” he replied. “Do you fancy hiring one of the boats to go on the lake tonight?”

“Sounds lovely” I replied, heading to my wardrobe to choose something to wear to dinner.

***************

I hopped onto the boat, and slipped on my 5SOS merch hoodie, noticing the temperature on the lake dip from earlier. Ashton slipped on his black merch hoodie too.

“We have good taste” I giggled at him, pointing to our matching outfits. Dinner at the restaurant in the centre was beautiful. A buffet full of every food you could think of, from meat to salad, pasta to potatoes. Ashton went up and got fifth, probably sixths. I chucked at my boys’ appetite, that boy could compete in an eating contest and thrash everyone, shame he never ate my cooking. I saved room for desert, admiring the chocolate cake. We spent a few hours in the restaurant, discussing our last few days in this beautiful place.

“Hold on tight!” I heard the boat captain shout. He drove us out onto the lake, I could see the bright sun beginning to set around us. I took a few pictures and selfies of our beautiful surroundings.

“Ash”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry”

“What for baby girl?”

“For how I've been around you recently. For feeling low, for doing stupid stuff to mys-” I said. I was interrupted by Ashton wrapping his entire chest around me, kissing my forehead.

“Baby you don't need to apologise. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way for so long. I wish I knew what to do, I now know how to help you more. That’s why I thought coming here would be good, for the both of us.” he whispered.

“I feel so much better coming here Ash. I emotionally feel healed. Like when this trip is over, I can go back to work. Actually fuck that, fuck this job. I’m quitting. That place never made me happy” I sigh.

“That's my girl, always grabbing life by the balls!!” Ashton screamed and cheered. I feel a finger trail along my left arm. “What about...this..baby?”. I instantly know what he’s talking about.

I sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m scared Ash. I don’t want to do it anymore. I won’t let myself do it anymore. When we get back, i’m going to go and see a proper psychologist. I want to stop Ash, and I think with you by my side I can”. I sighed, looking at the beautiful sky.

“I won't let you go, Y/N, I'm here. Always”.

Masterlist

#5sos imagines #5sos fanfic #5sos #5secondsofsummer #ashton irwin #ashton5sos #calum hood #calum 5sos #luke hemmings #luke 5sos #michael clifford #michael 5sos #5sos imagine #sadimagine #5sossad #5sos want you back #valentine #lietome #youngblood

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