#doesn’t help that my mom constantly invalidates how i feel by pretty much just saying her life is soooo much harder | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

studiojeon · 3 years

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bitterness in goodbye | jjk

this is part of my troubled outsiders series. sadly, you can't read this as a stand alone (meaning: feel free to check the previous parts ♡)

| summary | - You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.

warnings: none (?) i mean chaeryeong insults jungkook which is an atrocity in itself but-

contents: we diving into the angst my friends. jungkook is an innocent, kind hearted soul, i promise. oc's got the feels (out oct. 1) for jk. idol!jungkook × student!reader.

author's note: I EDITTED THIS FROM MY PHONE DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? also, thank u for the amount of support i've been receiving lately, i appreciate everyone lots. feel free to ask away or suggest anything btw, i would love to write for any prompts you guys come up with. 💞💗💖💘💓💕

words: 1.57k

playlist: honey by halsey

Four weeks later, the receptionist of your apartment complex hands you over a cardboard box with the hoodie Jungkook and you had talked about that day on the Han River. Jungkook kept pestering you to please please please send him your address for confidential purposes, which you knew had to do with his determination to literally provide anything that catches your eye right away. You assumed it was a sensitive topic for the boy whether people had purposefully taken advantage of his money before, so you didn’t dare to say anything when the man asked you for your size literally two hours after he dropped you off, scared to either reject his solidare intentions or piss him off for bringing unwanted memories back. In your defense, your personality type keeps oscillating between INFP and INFJ so it’s only natural that you take extra care to make sure those around you have as much peace of mind as possible in your presence.

As pretty and comfortable the piece of soft clothing is, an important factor is missing, something that you can’t recreate buying two of the same size and color, and that is Jungkook's escence and how good it looks on him in comparison to anyone else in the world. Meaning, you didn’t like it as much as you thought initially would. And it absolutely did not have to do with the fact that your short stature made you look like a toddler who stole their dad’s jacket.

Still, in order to show Jungkook how much you appreciate his gift, you bring it to work the next day, and the rest of the days after that, with the excuse that with winter rolling around you needed something to keep you warm in the office. Jungkook doesn’t miss the opportunity to confirm your assumptions regarding your appearance whenever he barges into your office randomly throughout the week, arguing that ”you look so adorable” and doesn’t stop for two weeks more, until he gets used to seeing you wearing something you shared with him. Which doesn’t help ease your growing romantic feelings for him whatsoever.

Because yeah, you liked Jeon Jungkook, just like every human being with eyes and sexual desires, except, you didn’t just like him in a superficial way, and that’s where the problem with him resides. Though you are sure everyone has fallen in love with the endearing boy at some point - especially the excluded and invalidated women of society - you can’t help but place some blame on you for allowing yourself to be swooned so goddamn easily. Your mom had said to you at some point to be wary of the way some men would talk to you when you grew up, their intention usually being getting inside your pants, which has happened to you more times than you'd like to admit. And with the argument that she knew you better than anyone, she claimed you would comply right the second someone talked sweet to you; you despised the fact that was the case with Jungkook (and Jungkook only), although he had never shown any sexual innuendos. What your feelings could do to your relationship with Jungkook and your rather chill lifestyle scared you to death, shiver me timbers and all that shit, having romantic feelings for someone else is embarrassing, especially when your chance with them has been scratched out the second you laid eyes on them.

Jungkook sits on your couch, legs spread on your thighs as you two pretend to watch some series on netflix. “I don’t buy for a second the act you’re putting on right now.” he speaks randomly after staring at your deep-in-thought state for a few minutes and laughs when you snap at him for not letting you overthink in peace. “What’s going on?”

Truth is, you don’t fucking know. A few hours before he arrived at your place (you had to pick him up at the dorm and sneak the both of you through the subterranean parking lot, because god forbid someone saw Jungkook arriving at some chick’s dorm on a saturday afternoon) you swore you would be able to conceal whatever emotional turmoil you had going inside of you without compromising your regular behaviour around the man, but when push comes to shove, it’s impossible to keep yourself from wondering how far you could go before that special someone found out what was going on inside of your head.

Jungkook’s phone rings in his pocket with some annoying tone he had downloaded illegally from youtube the same day the company had handed over the device as a gift for him (you still were a little bitter over how they neglected the rest of the staff but you also knew it was kind of impossible for the human kind to just gift a-thousand-dollar-phones to almost five hundred people out of solidarity). “Hyung?” he picks up, still wary of your unusual behaviour, concerned eyes looking at you. “No, uh- i’m with Yugyeom right now.” and your heart shatters into a million pieces.

You have been suspecting for a while that Jungkook is being hesitant to introduce you to his social circle. Although, you’ve tried your best not to take it personal, it is getting harder to resist the urge to ask him what the fuck is up with that. The fact that Jungkook had to lie about the person he was hanging out with broke your ego; he could’ve just said he was with a friend, right? You suddenly feel like you’re fifteen again, when the guy you liked would love you in the dark but pretend he didn’t know you in the light.

Holding your tears back, you gently push him off and make your way towards the bathroom in the most nonchalant way you could. This is your fault for falling for the nice popular guy in the first place, you remind the reflection staring back at you. Still, as bad as it hurt, there was no way you were going to cry over a stupid boy, let alone when he was literally sat on the next room. He can go fuck himself if he thinks he can just toss this behind as if nothing ever happened.

You text Chaeryeong instead.

“chaery bom bom: i swear to god i gonna throw hands the next time i see the bitch.

chaery bom bom: like who the hell does he think he is? fucking squidward looking asshole.

chaery bom bom: he ain’t even that cute bub, you’ll get over him. i know jinyoung wouldn’t treat you like this”

You sigh. Chaeryeong has been enamored with the idea of you and his former company colleague from GOT7 since the day she met the guy (which was somewhere around ten years ago), and although he was all that, you didn’t like his quiet and cold aura, it intimidated the fuck out of you (Jungkook was the entire opposite of that).

You spray on some perfume just to have an excuse as to why you randomly ran to the bathroom when Jungkook’s inquiring eyes stare as you sit back on the couch, which is exactly what he does. “You done with your call?” you ask, bitter.

Jungkook frowns, a bit taken aback by the sudden question but still unaware of the way his words had made you feel, not even sensing the hostile change in your mood. “Yes, it was one of our managers. He was wondering if I could come back to reshoot some...-thing.”

Okay, now you kind of understand as to why he lied in the first place and to say you feel guilty is an understatement. “I supposed he backed down once you mentioned you were hanging out with Yugyeom.” playfulness makes its appearance on your tone and Jungkook rolls his eyes at you, tongue poking on the inside of his slightly red cheeks.

“Sorry for that” he moves closer and cuddles your arm, like a sad guilty puppy. “It’s just- I don’t want them asking questions''.

You understand. He is a very reserved and private person after all. It took you a bit to crack him open yourself. Plus, you kind of share that trait with him, you’d hate it too if people were constantly on your nerves for the people you decide to hang out with.

And that’s all it takes to forgive him. Not very cash money of you.

“You better not pull that shit again, though” you shift in his hold and he looks up at you. One look into your eyes and he knows what you mean. “I’ll kick you out.”

After nodding, Jungkook resumes his concentration on the series you picked out for him. Due to your short attention span, you are very picky about what you invest your time in, especifically with audiovisual pieces of media, so Jungkook trusts you whenever you recommend something on very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, Jungkook was busy attacking your kitchen counters for snacks (which you didn’t have) when you mentioned Money Heist. “Munch on some grapes instead” you suggested to soothe his disappointment.

You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

#Ask #milky way anon #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Toxic parents #Ableism tw #I'm not from the US either so I have no idea what a sophomore is hahaha #Emotional neglect tw #childhood emotional neglect #panic attacks tw #Suicidal tw

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boomerang109 · 3 years

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If it isn't impertinent to ask, how did you know you were non-binanry? Have you struggled with family or have they been accepting?

as long as you’re asking respectfully and because you’re actually curious, i’m happy to answer questions about any aspect of my identity. (that’s my way of saying you’re not being impertinent at all and everyone should feel free to drop into my inbox whenever they’d like)

also, warning for a long post cause i’m a wordy bitch who doesn’t know how to add a read more on mobile

so my experience is pretty much directly transposed onto aang in chapter 8 of wwda so if you’re asking about my actual thought process, you can kinda visit there. (and it occurred to me later that suki being aang’s first place of comfort could possibly fall into the ‘cis-savior trope,’ but that wasn’t my intention and simply was a reflection of the friend who most helped me with my gender crisis).

i had always known people used they/them pronouns, but i don’t think it was until i was regularly talking to friends who used those pronouns that my brain really comprehended those were an option. and i kinda was there like damn they’re so lucky they have the coolest pronouns and at some point it occurred to me that being jealous of someone’s pronouns probably wasn’t normal. and it’s definitely weird cause I’ve always personally felt that vibe of not being feminine enough OR masculine enough (not being a girly-girl or a tomboy as a kid), but i know as a kid i identified that ‘feeling like i didn’t fit in’ emotion as a sort of ‘girl power’ thing, like “I can wear dresses AND have swords!” (which i still do both, but now i know any gender can do this) whereas now i see it as being not a girl, but who knows. gender is such a social concept, i’m constantly like 🧐 what’s my gender? idfk. but another thing that did help me figure out my identity was my dysphoria (which not everybody experiences!!). i’d always thought it was an ace thing that i hated my chest, cause i didn’t understand why it was sexualized and whatnot. (but now i bind and just !!!! everytime makes me so happy, even though i rarely can cause my lungs are SHIT) but, i think most people are like connected to their bodies? and i very much just am not. that’s part of why it was so easy for me to ignore my identity cause i can put on clothes i HATE and i’ll only think about it if it’s actively uncomfortable or there’s a mirror. otherwise, i am just not aware of my body. i went most of middle school and high school not looking in the mirror and i used to say ‘what i look like is other people’s problem, not mine’ cause y’all have to look at me, i don’t. but i’m just good at ignoring things in general, from gender to sexuality to neurodivergence, i’m so busy pretending to be what i think everybody wants me to be, that i barely know who i am. also for a long time i felt really bad cause i thought i was lowkey transphobic cause i internally would invalidate non-binary identities (but out loud was always very supportive and would be mentally berating myself for being a fake ally) and uhhh. i know am aware that the only things i was transphobic about were the exact things that apply to me, so uhh. that’s just some internalized shit. also my name irl is technically gender neutral and i think i’m much closer to dressing neutral/masculine now, but people still completely identify me as female which kinda sucks. but also I’ve been performing as female for my fam so it kinda works. idk it’s all weird ngl. but the actual answer to your question was i realized it when i was ‘jealous’ of other people’s pronouns (which actually one of my friends did the same thing where they said like ‘oh you’re so lucky you get to be non-binary’ and the person they said that to had to be like, ‘if you want to be non-binary then that probably means you are’ and my friend was like 👀)

family is an interesting question cause i’m not out to them. but i also have my pronouns (they/them) in my Instagram bio and 4 of my 5 siblings are on Instagram, as well as my dad. i don’t think they’ve noticed yet. i’m very lucky in that i know my family would never kick me out or anything drastic (although i did realize that i have a piece of my bank account mentally stored for ‘if i get kicked out and need to figure shit out by myself’ which was just a strange realization) but right when i was considering coming out to my dad, he decided to make jokes about how weird they/them pronouns were. (he saw i was uncomfortable and reminded me, ‘oh, but you know i always support you’ but, i had really bad experiences with both my parents the first times i came out to them as bi and/or ace (even though they both meant well) so it’s just not something i’m looking to repeat). my mom honestly should have figured it out cause i told her about it one day when i was questioning and then refused to talk about it once i realized i was non-binary (i don’t trust her to keep a secret) but instead she just keeps teasing me for being like my one sister whenever i mention shopping for boys clothes. and since that sister was the one who ignored me for most of her teenage years, i don’t really appreciate the comparison. (also i realized that my entire fucking childhood she always always told me how grateful she was that i was a girl cause she’d always wanted a daughter. and without realizing it i think i internalized that and was like ‘yes i’ll make sure to be a daughter for sure’ even though i don’t think i am one)

and so, that was a very long way of saying, it’ll be a big blow up when i come out to my fam so i’m avoiding it (even though that means getting misgendered allll summer) as long as i can, but i do know it’ll be okay cause my family always means well underneath all the bs

but i have had a really positive time with my friends. it’s hard at university cause people will still call me she/her and i don’t have the courage to correct them, but my two friends both use she/they so they’re obviously good about it. and i got one of my friends at home to tell a bunch of my high school teachers for me cause she was emailing them and mentioned me and i was kinda like ‘hey one less coming out for me’ which was nice. and i told two other friends right before i left and they literally clapped (which i felt like was a very awkward reaction ngl, but it was nice). and one of those two kept accidentally calling me she, but would apologize when i corrected her. also i think that friend might be using she/they pronouns now too, so idk if that’s another example of me transing my friends’ genders (as i did to clara😉) or just the fact that queers find each other

i don’t know if you wanted this much detail, but i’m not really one for being concise lmao. if you were asking just out of curiosity i think i probably fulfilled that, but if you’re questioning or anything (or just curious, that’s cool too), feel free to ask more questions. i cant promise i’ll answer as quickly as i did this (cause i’m about to go pack b/c tmrw we’re going to visit my sister and her baby ☺️ so i’ll be busy prolly) but i’ll answer eventually

i hope this was helpful and/or enjoyable? if anyone actually read all of it ahdhdjsk

#long post #ask a boomerang #grace tag #boom stop using tags as an excuse to stay in bed. it’s time to paack #WHAT THE FUCK THAT JUST POPPED UP AND THATS WHAT IM DOING RN NO FAIR #tumblr how dare you call me out for being predictable #i literally don’t even travel much cause we’re in a literal pandemic yet apparently everytime i do. I procrastinate packing

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catrasredemption-moved · 4 years

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That whole "an abusive mother shouldn't be seen as a mother figure" sitting not well with me.

So can you elaborate on that and not make it super invalidating to people abused by foster/adoptive/psuedo paternql figures?

This feels like a trap, but sure. Buckle up, we’re going back to my childhood.

(this is long, contains emotional/mental abuse, alcohol and drug references, and is just plain unpleasant)

I was emotionally/mentally abused by my mother and stepfather for pretty much my entire life. I was an oops baby, and my bio dad at least had the self awareness to check out my life early because he knew he’d never be a good father (yes, I give him some twisted credit for that, because at least he was honest). My mom was kind of... I don’t want to say forced to keep me, but her family was very insistent. I don’t think she would have gotten an abortion anyway (put aside that this was 1991), but things might have been different if she’d just been allowed to go the same route as my father. Her parents pretty much raised me for six years, partially because she had a full-time job, and partially because she just had no clue what she was doing. And I think having her parents as a crutch for so long definitely limited her.

And then she met Paul. Twenty years older than her, didn’t even have a toaster to his name, alcoholic, drug addict. I was six, so obviously this all went over my head, but my mother’s parents did not like him (something I didn’t find out until years after they both died). My mom was 27 at the time, and I don’t know if she just thought no one else would want her because she was a single mother, if she was just desperate, or maybe she really was attracted to him, but she started dating him. I don’t remember everything that led up to the Breaking Point, because this was 23 years ago, but I remember the specific night - she was on the phone with Paul, and I kept saying I was hungry. I forget what she made, but it was something I’d eaten before and suddenly decided I didn’t like (as children do sometimes), so I was upset.

At this point my grandmother or grandfather would usually step in and just make me something else. Instead my grandfather went upstairs and told her to get off the phone and deal with it. Was I being a little bratty? Yeah, probably. Should my grandparents have just dealt with it? No, that was my mother’s job. Even if it just meant coming downstairs and making me eat the Thing. But she didn’t want to get off the phone (this was 1997, people still talked on phones. Weird, right?)

One huge fight later, my mother put me in her car and drove me 20 minutes to another city to stay with Paul and his roommate. I didn’t see my grandparents for three days. That’s when they learned they had to play nice with Paul or my mother would actually take me away.

We moved in with Paul, after they’d been dating for three whole months. My mother upended both of our lives, including making me transfer to another school after first grade, for a guy she’d been dating for three months. A guy she knew had substance abuse problems. A guy who, when home alone during the day, would sit out in the living room and watch porn (and one time watched it in my room, which? I was eight, I very vaguely remember walking into the apartment, my mother immediately grabbing me and pushing me back into the hall while saying “get that shit off her TV.”)

Some very fucked up things happened over the next twelve years, some I still haven’t told anyone about (including my wife), and some that were just wrong in retrospect. Common occurrences included (some of this might be considered lowkey sexual abuse? I’ve never thought about it that way, but my perspective is skewered af):

Telling me to turn sideways so he could see how I was “developing” (this started at 10)

Inappropriate comments about my weight and how I eat too much (starting around 8 or 9)

Wildly gross and sexual comments about my body (starting around 13)

Coming into my room while drunk and asking for a hug, then holding me for too long and lowkey groping (starting around 13 or 14)

Calling me a whiny bitch (starting around 8)

Yelling at me for eating food, especially if I finished something, because I didn’t pay for the food so why should I get to eat it all (starting around 15)

Yelling at me for daring to go out into the living room and talk to my mother while they were watching TV (pretty much the entire time I lived with them)

Telling me my mother used to have “a great body” before she got sick and lost a ton of weight (I don’t remember when exactly that started, but the sickness in question happened when I was 7)

Trying to tell me about how he and mother were getting hot and heavy while I was at school (high school; one of the only times my mother actually told him to shut the fuck up)

Enjoyed calling me stupid and calling me an idiot and other things that were entirely damaging to my self esteem

Straight up saying, after seven years of my mother insisting we were family, that I wasn’t his daughter and I never would be (13)

Inappropriate comments while drunk, to the point where I knew when he’d be drunk (because it was always pay day), and me arranging to be out of the house for a couple of days just so I wouldn’t have to be there (high school; I went to my aunt’s, and eventually she started figuring out a pattern and asking me what was going on. I was 16 when she finally realized I hate Paul as much as she does)

...to name a few things. And my mother? Knew about all of this. And sure, she tried to stick up for me once or twice, like about the food thing, but even that came with the caveat of “maybe you should stop eating so much.” (before anyone asks, yes, I’m slightly overweight, and this was some grade A body shaming). But for the most part, she enabled him. And when he told me to stop being sensitive and it was “just a joke”? She sided with him and told me to stop “whining” (whining being “trying to defend myself”). She took his side about 95% of the time, while still insisting that he was my father, because he was there and he was helping “raise” me. They’ve been together for 23 years, and she’s basically chosen him over me at this point (because I chose to get the fuck out of the house and take a job in a state 300 miles away just to escape that hell). We actually got into a huge fight about him back in June because I didn’t call to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. He has never met my wife (whom he referred to as my “friend”, and my mother saw nothing wrong with that, then got mad when I tried to say “what if I called him your roommate”), he was not invited to our wedding, and we had a fight last Christmas when I went back to visit and straight up said he wasn’t allowed to visit our hotel (because I never want him to meet my wife).

Do I consider her my mother? ...sure, in the absolute vaguest sense of the word. She made sure I made it from birth to 18, kept me clothed and fed and a roof over my head (while constantly reminding me about how much it cost to raise a kid.)

Do I consider him my father? Fuck. No. I left the house for college when I was 18, moved out when I was 22, have had three therapists, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and probable PTSD, have gathered a small group of my own found family, and I still carry a lot of shit from that time in my life. I hate showing my body in any way, and tend to wear shirts that are, oh, 2-3 sizes too big. I hate eating “too much”, despite the fact that a) my wife doesn’t care if I finish something and b) I help pay for the fucking food. I get extremely anxious when I try to correct someone about something (like my pronouns), because I’m afraid they’re going to yell at me and tell me to stop being sensitive. My self esteem is still basically at rock bottom, to the point where I don’t believe people sometimes when they say they like my writing. I flinch when people try to touch me (that’s getting better, though).

I can’t even give him the bare minimum credit I give my mother, because he actively hindered my attempts to grow up and move on from the shit he put me through. He was, and still is, a terrible person, and the idea of him being my father makes me sick. I give more credit to by bio father (you know, the one who walked out because he knew he wouldn’t be a good father), because he’s at least made a few half-ass attempts throughout my life to show he cares (and in a way, I think he does, he just knew he wouldn’t be a good father). Paul, though? Paul could die tomorrow and I... I can’t say I wouldn’t care at all, just because he has had such a presence in my life, but I wouldn’t miss him.

If you have an abusive parental figure (be it bio/step/foster/adoptive/etc.), and you consider them your parent, then that’s you, and I don’t judge. But Paul, no matter what my mother says, will never be my father in any way. He actively made me afraid to exist or be in my own home. He left scars so deep that I don’t think I’ll ever totally move on from some of it. I need people to remind me that nothing he did was okay or normal, and that my mother wasn’t right for allowing it.

So basically, I have a lot of experience to back up why I don’t think abusive parents should be considered parental figures. Parents are supposed to help you grow and care about you and want you to succeed. Paul did none of those things. He continues to be an active roadblock in my life, as a matter of fact. And I refuse to feel bad about not considering him a parental figure.

#Mystery Person #Sam Answers

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serendipitous-posts · 4 years

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Doctor Who Q&A!

Who is your Doctor?

Matt Smith! Funny story about him actually-he was the first doctor I ever watched-it was Time of the Angels, but at the time I watched that episode, Matt Smith’s run was over. I went back and watched Nine and Ten, and then rewatched Eleven before hitting Twelve up. Eleven has always had a special place in my heart

Your favourite Doctor?

Funnily enough, Twelve. He faintly edges out Eleven in this regard. I think I just really enjoy his humour, dry and sarcastic, and the character arc of wondering whether he’s a good person or not really spoke to me. Yeah, stinky eyebrow man wins in this regard

Least favourite Doctor?

Either Nine or Thirteen? I found Nine to be somewhat boring, I liked his humour, but most of the time was spent setting up his backstory, or that weird romance thing with Rose, and since romance has never interested me, except in certain areas *shrugs*

Thirteen isn’t anything to do with Jodie Whittaker, it’s just that the best moments of Doctor Who are when the Doctor is sad, or vulnerable or angry. The Oncoming Storm is a big part of it all. And it seems that she never really has the oppurtunity to be emotional in this yet. That’s the scriptwriters fault, not hers, and I’m happy they’re starting to change it with the new season.

Best regeneration?

Oh god, that’s actually a tie between Ten, Eleven and Twelve for me

Ten dies alone and it is awful. His last lines brought me to tears, and there’s something so sad about him being killed protecting one of his friends.

Eleven had me sobbing. Out of the three, he’s the only one who met this whole thing with acceptance, and he’s the only one to not be alone when it happens. His was the nicest out of the three, but because he was MY Doctor, I was bawling like a baby. When Amy appeared I b r o k e

Twelve is heartbreakingly realistic. He’s not resisting change like Ten is, he just wants to rest, for once. Like Ten, he dies alone, with only memories to comfort him, and I remember tearing up when he told Thirteen what he told Clara

Who is the most human Doctor?

Either Ten or Twelve. Both of them are conflicted about their morality and whether they should do the right thing or not, both of them try and fail and try again. Twelve is just the one to realise he’s not good or bad, he’s an idiot.

Best Companion?

Donna Noble or Amy Pond and Rory.

I am a sex repulsed ace-aro, this means I would rather stick my hand in a woodchipper than be in a relationship with someone. Platonic friendships and family have always been my bread and butter and these three are perfect for the Doctor.

Donna Noble? Bold, sassy, determined. Her mom is constantly putting her down, and yet she’s the saviour of the Universe. She doesn’t hesitate to call Ten out on his bullshit, and her departure hurt me on so many levels. I have loved her ever since Pompeii, and I will decry the erasure of her character as unfair until the end of bloody time

Amy Pond and Rory. I’m putting these two together, because I only really started to like Amy when Rory came in. I love their character arcs, growing and changing. Their relationship is also fun to watch, once you get over the drama. I like relationships like Chandler and Monica, natural, fun to watch, not Ross and Rachel, dragged out, on and off again, and after a brief buffer period, these two sorted out their differences and their banter was amazing to watch. Also, the fact that they’re the Doctor’s in laws? They are the epitome of found family and I am LOVING IT

Shoutout to Martha Jones btw, runner up as always. I wish we got to see more of her when she WASN’T enamoured with the Doctor, watching her call him out in the Poison Sky was magnificent.

Worst Companion?

The Companions relationships with the Doctor are the most important thing in the show; what they think of him, how much they trust him, what extent are their feelings towards them, and to me, none was quite as boring as Rose and the Doctor.

I HATE will they-wont they plots, and that basically sums up their entire run together, getting jealous of eachothers partners, vaguely alluding towards their attraction to eachother, but not saying it, it drained all of the fun out of Rose. Her making out with a clone of the Doctor, in front of the Doctor was the final thing for me.

And while I’m all for the return of a Companion, she seems to linger throughout Ten’s run. I can understand why for Martha’s; that was her entire character arc after all, learning to expect better of yourself, but she didn’t need to be there for Donna’s; they very easily could have thought of another way to create DoctorDonna. Her presence was everywhere throughout David Tennants run, and I found it annoying

Favourite Doctor Who Ships?

River Song with Eleven, Twelve or Thirteen. As I said, banter and comedy is how you establish a good relationship, it shows how relaxed two people are together, and River with whichever Doctor she’s with at the time always has this flirty back and forth going on between them. They’re very open about their attraction to eachother, and I love it. Also, Thirteen and River because if you don’t think Thirteen is a raging pansexual then I have news for you.

Amy and Rory for the reasons I listed above; they sort through their issues, have good repartee and are a very enjoyable couple to watch

(I briefly shipped Eleven x Amy x Rory before I found out they were in laws, so shoutout to that.)

Least Favourite Doctor Who Ships?

Rose x Doctor. It would have been fine if they ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING WITH IT INSTEAD OF JUST HINTING AT IT

Martha x Doctor. Martha’s whole arc is about learning that the Doctor is treating her badly and that she doesn’t need him. To go back to him would invalidate that whole thing

Controversial Thought?

I know a lot of people hate Clara, but to be honest, I’m more apathetic/warm towards her. I loved her relationship with Twelve, and how she was almost a caretaker towards him. She starts to act like the Doctor after a while, but then that’s what the Companions DO, they become more versatile, more able to handle tough situations. I’m not happy how they made her immortal and gave her her own TARDIS, but other than that, I’m pretty mild towards her

Best Two-Parter Episode?

Heaven Sent and Hell Bent. It was one of those episodes, ones that are genuinely, deeply horrifying. I got chills when I realised how long the Doctor had been trapped in the Confession Dial. I wasn’t really happy with how the brought Clara back from the dead, but I was okay with it, because watching her read the High Command the riot act for how they treated the Doctor was so, so worth it

Best Doctor/companion pairing?

Ten and Donna. Loved their brother-sister duo relationship

If Two Doctors could meet, who would you choose?

Thirteen and Four would be fun; they have similar energy and scarves after all. Think that would be fun to see. Thirteen and Twelve would also have a nice energy between them I think. Maybe throw in some height jokes.

If any Companions could meet, who would you choose?

Donna and Amy would probably end up flirting with each other. But, at the same time, I think Donna may help Amy come away from her hero worship of the Doctor.

Martha and Rory would bond over how they sometimes feel like third wheelers and probably share medical knowledge. Martha and Clara would be fun, caring for the Doctor’s health.

If any Companions could meet any Doctor, which would you choose?

Martha meets Twelve. Twelve is actively trying to figure out whether he’s a good person, and I can see him trying to make amends for the way he’s treated her.

Thirteen meets Amy and Rory. She probably wouldn’t tell them who she is, but she would be so excited to see them again

Donna meets Nine. They would spend the entire time snarking at eachother

The Fam meets Ten. He would be so overwhelmed when he sees how many people are joining him right now

#doctor who #Twelfth Doctor #eleventh doctor #tenth doctor #ninth doctor #Thirteenth Doctor #rose tyler #martha jones #donna noble #amy pond #rory williams #clara oswald #bill potts

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fiveminuterice · 4 years

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Rice’s hot take of the day : Stuttering in fics

Does anybody else skim through the parts in fanfics where a character stutters or is it just me?

Some tips and tricks from somebody who stutters/had a speech impediment as a kid and is constantly frustrated with how stutters are often written. It’s not the result of something like a stroke or a head injury for me, but just how I grew up with a stutter I never quite grew out of. A lot of kids have stutters, and most kids outgrow their stutters, but some like me don’t and have a pretty mild to moderate stutter to this day.

Before, though, this is for characters specifically written to have a semi-permanent stutter/a minor speech impediment. If a character has a one-off stutter because they’re flustered or whatever I honestly don’t care because stuttering is different for everybody, and not everybody has trouble with it. This is for characters who stutter near-constantly/specially are characterized to have this trait. I see this a lot in Izuku-centric fanfictions, or with any nervously coded character.

These are just my personal experiences and thoughts, but I think as somebody who has a stutter it can be used informatively for people who don’t and want to write characters with speech issues. I would recommend researching stuttering more in depth if you want to write somebody with a clear speech impediment and not to just take my words for granted as not every stutter is the same and people experience speech impediments differently based on a thousand different variables.

More details under the cut

You’re not just stammering the same consonant/syllable the entire time. Sometimes it can be like half a word or even three or four words at a time. So it’s not just all “I-I-I-I d-d-d-don’t w-w-w-wanna e-e-e-eat b-b-b-broccoli”, if anything that just seems cheesy and clichéd to me if used too often in that way. That gives the impression the character is cold, not nervously stuttering. People do stutter like that, but often stuttering is more varied for people with a moderate or mild stutter.

Stuttering every word in a sentence is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. Usually I just get caught in a word or two per sentence, depending on how I’m feeling that day. Sometimes it’s entire phrases I have trouble with, and sometimes it’s the way I’m saying “theatre” or whatever.

Stuttering isn’t always the same, and it varies from situation to situation.

Some days I don’t stutter , and some days I can barely speak at all. It all depends on how I’m feeling that day/the situations I’m put in

The people around you often don’t understand what it means when you stutter and don’t understand how it works. My mom would tell me to speak clearer when I was younger and would make me stop in between words/sentences to try and get me to speak better and get frustrated if I couldn’t. It doesn’t work and it just encouraged me to stop talking too much around her/other people who try to “fix” my stutter for me. There is no easy solution to a stutter, so people pretending like there is is more than often just insulting. I don’t like stuttering either, but it is what it is and if I could stop I would. Downplaying my effort is insulting and makes me feel more stupid than I am.

Humiliating me because of my stutter additionally doesn’t help, so the “tough love” method is equally invalid. It just makes me think you’re a dick. So if a character is humiliated because of their trouble speaking, they’ll probably just avoid talking around that person as often or even altogether depending on their personality.

If I don’t like talking around a person/I’m not comfortable I’ll just do simply phrased answers or few-worded answers like “okay, sure” or “yes/no” because it’s hard to mess up too badly if you speak only a few words.

If a someone is characterized with a stutter then I usually want the author to show how it affects them and the relationships around them. Stuttering isn’t some horrible condition that makes or breaks relationships for the most part, but it does skew the way people view you to an extent. Having a stutter depicted as a two-dimensional attribute to a character seems shallow to me because I know personally how frustrating it can be and how it affects me nearly every day.

I’m not stupid because I stutter. Characters aren’t stupid because they stutter. My mom used to tell me that if I couldn’t get my stutter under control I’ll sound like an idiot to future employers and they won’t want to hire me. I’m not stupid, so don’t treat characters who stutter like they’re stupid or don’t know what they’re saying either. We do, we just can’t always convey it in a way people can understand.

Sometimes I sound slurred/accented when I talk and I can’t help it. I can’t control the way I talk for the most part, and it doesn’t make me dumb or mean I’m not putting in effort. I’ve had costumers from work ask where I’m from because of my “accent”. Stuttering is often just one of several speech traits. Not to say everyone who has a stutter also have to have the problems I have. Speech is varied and not everyone will experience it the same ways as the people around them.) This isn’t to say that you should always include stutter add-ons, but it’s a reality for a lot of people with speech impediments. Stuttering can be just one thing in a whole bag of other things, and it’s complex like anything else.

I often take a step back from a sentence if I’m stuttering too much and just retry the whole sentence. I also annunciate the sentence like way more clearly than I need to afterwards sometimes. Ex. “I don’t-I don’t want-I don't wa-I don't-... I don’t want to eat broccoli”. Sometimes I can stutter a phrase three or four times before I can get it correctly. It’s annoying, but it happens. I’ll even mouth the words/mumble under my breath a sentence I want to say before I say it sometimes to make sure I’ll say it correctly.

Additionally if I know I’m stuttering too much I’ll just talk really slowly to make sure people can understand me. Sometimes I don’t even notice how much I’m stuttering until people ask me to repeat myself since they couldn’t understand me.

I don’t just stutter when I’m embarrassed. Usually if a character has a stutter it can happen basically at any time, but most often if they’re feeling flustered or excited. My fourth grade teacher once told me it’s because my brain “works too fast for my mouth” and treated it like an impressive feat, which definitely encouraged bad speaking habits, but usually if I’m excited/have high energy I tend to stutter more often.

I always feel embarrassed when I stutter in an argument and it makes me frustrated because I know what I want to say, but stuttering means I sound weak/unsure to the other person.

I think I sound like Porky Pig half the time, honestly, and it’s embarrassing.

I stutter more often if I’m tired/stressed rather when I’m alert. So if I’m distracted or something I tend to stutter more than if I’m paying close attention to my speaking patterns. Being alert is different from being excited/having high energy, by the way.

However, even if I am paying super close attention to my words sometimes I’ll still stutter my way through a sentence, and it’s embarrassing, and I feel stupid. If you couldn’t tell by now, stuttering varies a lot and it’s not always that cute “I-I-I love you, B-Bakugou-kun!”

I always appreciate when people don’t try to finish sentences for me. I know what I’m trying to say for the most part, and I want to be the one to say it. I know it’s frustrating to listen to me talk sometimes, but it is what it is. However usually if I can’t find the word I want to say I’m okay with people supplying it to me. It just makes me irritable if people try to speak for me in conversations.

People don’t really stutter when they sing for the most part, it’s a left brain/right brain sort of deal.

Practiced phrases are easier to say. I work retail, so for the most part I don’t stutter with costumers because I say the exact same thing all the time basically. If I get caught off guard, however, I’ll probably stutter a little bit.

The more I talk in a day the less I stutter because I get more used to talking. Usually when I take a few days off of work and don’t talk to anybody in person, when I go back into work it’s like trying to relearn how to talk again. It’s frustrating, but it happens. I took three months off of work once and when I got back I was basically at square one for a good week or two.

Sometimes it just feels easier to stay quiet instead of talk to people because I don’t always know how how coherent I am on a day-to-day basis. Just quirky stutter-girl things though, right?

People will sometimes try to take advantage over my stutter to talk over me/try to get what they want because I come off as nervous or skittish when I stutter. It’s something to be aware of, especially with grumpy costumers take me as an easy target.

If I had to describe what a stutter feels like physically, it would be like my tongue can’t move the way I want it to. Like my tongue is too thick in my mouth. It can also be described as my mouth running behind my brain, but not in the way my brain is just oh-so-smart and efficient, more like I’m normally thinking but just can’t normally speak.

Speech therapy is something I’ve gone through when I was younger, and it didn’t really do anything for me. The people I’ve talked to in real life also agree that it didn’t help much. Not to say that all speech therapy is ineffective, but it doesn’t always work. However, if a younger character has a semi-permanent stutter then they’ll usually either go to speech therapy or at least talk about potentially going to speech therapy if it becomes too noticeable.

Stuttering is not only embarrassing but frustrating as hell. I’m more often frustrated at my stutter than embarrassed about it. I like talking to people, so this roadblock is frustrating. If you give a character a semi-permanent stutter, it’s not just a cute quirk they have. It’s something that can affect them most days, and treating it like something cute is demeaning. It minimizes the affect it can have on people, and while stuttering isn’t the worst thing in the world to have it can be very frustrating. People making you feel stupid/invalid over it hurts. Stuttering like any sort of character trait/issue should be treated with depth and understanding in order to seem genuine and to avoid seeming shallow. Bad stutters in fanfic especially tend to make me click off faster because it makes me feel disconnected with a character I should be able to connect with. It’s like the phrase “write what you know”; write something you’re knowledgeable about for better results.

Stuttering doesn’t have to be, like, the center of a fic, but at the very least I want authors to acknowledge the ways a stutter affects a character because stuttering isn’t just a cute character trait for most people.

Tl;dr, stuttering isn’t always predictable and varies from situation to situation. Often times people don’t just stutter for every word, and there is no universal stutter for every situation or person. However, the usual tropey stutter is a quick way for me to exit a fic I’m reading, or at least skim the next several paragraphs.

#this was longer than i thought it would be #I don’t want to rag on fic writers who’ve written bad stutters before #I’m not pissed off at them #it just makes me think they don't really know what they're writing about #but every author has their own writing journey and have the space to grow #so as long as they learn sometime and try not to encourage bad stereotypes #then I don’t really care that much #rice's hot take for the day

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princesskokichi · 4 years

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HAPPY NON-BINARY DAY MIYA!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! YOUR VALID!! AHAHAHAAHAH 🥺🥺🥺💕 - Kiibo SIMp 😭💖

aaaaaa !!! thank you so so so much !!! i love you just as much and thank you for being such a sweetheart !!!

~ storytime with miya ~

[ warning : personal story, mentions of ab*se, h*r*ssment, family issues ]

i struggled a lot while trying to figure out who i am. while most kids my age were starting to get partners and going on dates, and i didn’t want to ever. i thought that having a partner meant that i had to be someone’s girlfriend - i had to have sex with someone. i didn’t want either. i didn’t want to be called “ girlfriend “ and i didn’t want to have sex. i was constantly told that my lack of clinging to my gender or sexuality was because of the abuse and trauma i endured during my childhood. that’s what people labeled me as. a scarred girl with too much trauma.

i simply didn’t care about anything that most people cared about, because it had no meaning to me. i would do things that would be considered lewd or nasty to other people, like sitting with my legs spread out while wearing a dress or not caring if i wore a bra or if my shirt was showing too much cleavage. i didn’t care. i still don’t care, really, but i’ve learned what’s considered to be socially acceptable, but sometimes i still get pissed off because my brother can go without a shirt around home and i can’t not wear pants even though my underwear covers everything.

my body is just a human body, i don’t really think of any part of me being “ sexual “ or “ nonsexual. “ it wasn’t made for sex, it was made to help me continue living every day.

while a lot of people who experience childhood trauma similar to what i went through go on to be hypersexual or extremely uncomfortable about sexual situations, i didn’t. i felt,, empty when talking about things such as sexuality or gender. i experienced having crushes, and i know i’m romantically attracted to all genders but. i’ve never experienced actual “ lust “ or wanting to be sexual with anyone. sometimes i thought i did, but every time i thought about it deeper, it turned out that i was just missing being intimate with someone. sex has no meaning to me other than being intimate with the other partner and having children. in the future, i think the only reason i would engage in sex is for children only. it holds no meaning to me, although i like to joke about it. i like to say i would fuck aizawa sensei senseless, but in real life i wouldn’t.

every time i would get into a situation that looked like it was heading that way, i would clam up. i wouldn’t get fearful or nervous, i just felt out of place. i felt like i didn’t want to be there, that eating pizza and watching netflix was better that what i was doing at that moment. so any time i would have a partner, i would turn them down if things got too heated. i lost a lot of good people that way. likewise, i myself wouldn’t realize i was being lewd with them. i would take off my shirt while chilling with them because i thought it was hot. it wasn’t me going to initiate sex, i was just trying to get comfortable. but i never learned how to convey that to anyone. even still, i don’t think i could if someone asked me to explain my lack of sexual interest.

i didn’t see my body as something sexual, and i would forget that other’s did. my body was just,, my body. that was it.

i felt odd about not caring about sexuality or gender. i wore what i want, and i didn’t care what anyone called me. but for some reason, i had a problem with my deadname. i hated it. i still hate it. so it never made sense to me that i would care about such an arbitrary thing when things that have other people so caught up and that everyone around me seemed to care about. i loved who i loved, and i dressed how i wanted. to be honest, i still wonder what prompted me to be so different from other normal trauma victims, but i doubt i’ll ever know the answer to that. life is fickle like that.

but because i never felt any ties to my personal gender, i felt,, out of the loop on some things. i liked wearing dresses but i didn’t feel like a girl. i wore make up but didn’t feel feminine. my body grew as i got older and i grew into this mature female form, but i never felt like a / girl /.

likewise, i never felt like a boy. i liked to rough-house and fight around with the boys but never felt like i was one. i liked to cut my hair short and dress like a guy but i never felt like i was one. for the longest time i thought i was experiencing dysphoria about my body, so i believed i was trans for a little while. i thought it was weird that i was trans but still liked to dress and act like a girl at some points. i didn’t know what was going on.

however, i still didn’t care about what pronouns people used for me, although i found that most trans are adamant for their pronouns because it’s the only thing that links them to their gender other than their name. i didn’t care what people called me. i was the mom-friend in my irl friend group, but the big-brother to my online group chat. even though my name - miya - is feminine in connotation, i never felt / female / but never felt / male / either.

i knew that nonbinary existed, but i think i was in denial. i think it was some internalized cissexism ( i think that’s the word. please correct me if i’m wrong ) because it didn’t make sense to me that that could be a thing when it seemed like everyone else was so hooked on gender and sexuality. i began to believe that being ace and nonbinary was taboo of sorts. i thought that i was built wrong. that everyone had sexual attraction, and everyone felt connected to a gender. i was so wrong back then.

a little while after i realized i wasn’t trans, i got a bit of hate for slandering the name of transpeople. a few people online were calling me fake and invalid, that i wsa / wrong / and they basically voiced every fear that i had held in for so long. i was lost after that. i didn’t know who i was, or where i was going. i was young and dumb, even though it was only a little while ago.

it was a slow process coming to acknowledge that i was nonbinary, more specifically, that i was completely ambiguous. there’s a difference in nonbinary - which is not conforming to either gender - and ambiguous - which is having no gender at all. ambiguous is a subset of the umbrella term nonbinary. at first i changed my pronouns on twitter from she/her to she/they, and much later i added she/they/he to that list. but i opted to never specify my gender. it was easier that way. no one seemed to really care that i had no gender, they just wanted to know what to refer to me as.

later on down the line, i used the word nonbinary for the first time. and it felt,, refreshing. i think that i was finally coming to realize who i was. i used the term nonbinary to describe me for a long time, thinking that that word fit me. and it does - it’s my umbrella term. but my specific gender is amibiguous, a word i just started using very recently.

and having recognized my gender has been a load off of my shoulders. i get to be who i am. if people think i’m female, good for them. if they think i’m male, yay. if they think i’m trans, or anything in any other spectrum, i’m happy for them. i don’t mind what anyone calls me. my gender is perceived differently by everyone. and i like that a lot for some reason, although i know many people probably would not like it. it suits me. i’m happy.

my body is still very feminine, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. if i could, i would definitely try to lose weight and potentially go through breast reduction surgery, but i’m not too bent up about it if i never get to do that. my body doesn’t equal my gender. how i present - which is typically masculine, but sometimes i wear feminine clothes - isn’t my gender. my gender,, well, to be frank, i don’t have one. i’m me. i’m nonbinary. i’m,, ambiguous. i leave it up to the other people around me and their imaginations. i spend my days trying to make myself happy with what i wear and what i look like, not conforming to society’s rules of gender.

it took a long time, and frankly sometimes i still have a problem with self doubt and internalized problems. one day i hope to get over that. but i know inside my heart who i am. i’m just a human. i’m a person who’s trying to live my life the best way i can. whether my views were formed because of my trauma or whatever, i don’t really care. i’m happy with who i am. i have friends who call me “ sis “ and “ bro “ in the same sentence. i’ve got a friend who calls me their momma, and a friend who refers to me as their big brother. and i like it like that. i realize it’s not for everyone, but i’m happy with it.

to those who need their gender to feel complete, i commemorate you. you are wonderful, valid individuals who will make it where you want to be in the world. to those who feel similar to me and feel disconnected with gender and / or sexuality as a whole, i’m telling you that you are not alone. you’re not built wrong, and you are not made this way because of trauma. you deserve to be happy with who you are as a person in your own way. just because some people need their gender, doesn’t mean you do. you don’t need to put any labels on yourself. you can just simply exist, because you’ve lived this long so you must be doing a pretty good job at it.

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nathalie-sancoeur-assistant · 5 years

Text

Felix

Here are my thoughts on Felix, spoilers below.

As the episode starts, I can’t help but be reminded of a story

There’s a story about a man who cleaned his wedding rings I read online. Now, I hardly think that the story is going to 100% relate to Gabriel Agreste, but I found it a bit ironic that shortly after I read this story, I see Gabriel taking the time to also clean/polish both his and his wife’s rings. (the story was about a man who is quote “a ‘guys’ guy” and was constantly told no one cared about how clean his ring was and it didn’t matter but he did it anyway)

Look here, how at first he was so careful and gentle. Carefully placing his wife’s hands back into place. Before his talk with Adrien in the near future, might I add. And with his “soon, Emilie” comment, there’s so much emphasis on these rings in the beginning of this episode. We’ve had some mild emphasis before with how much Gabriel has fiddled with his. So what’s up with them? What’s their significance? I have nothing but I hope someone else can answer.

Aw, she’s watching him. And he’s staring at his mother’s statue. Exactly how many depictions of Emilie are there? There’s more of her than anyone else. I mean, sure. There are a couple paintings/pictures of them all, as a family, and a collection of Adrien’s photographs throughout Gabriel’s office but Emilie is everywhere, it seems. There’s a whole statue of her there. This reminds me of Disenchantment even more- the statue of a the child’s mother being one of the only things for them to remember them by while the father desperately tries to get hold of an all-powerful magical object(s) for seemingly selfish reasons.

I just love this scene.

Look at those heart eyes! I said it before, get you someone who looks at you the way Nathalie looks at Gabriel. That is such a pure look.

Oh my gosh that smile. Okay, I love this. He’s seeing Nathalie smile like a love-struck puppy at his dad. And that makes him happy. This is an example of some of the things he’s been noticing between her and his father- and if he is capable of picking up on these subtlety's....well, he’s far from oblivious. Just confused (with Marinette). He’s happy to see them standing together though, and to see Nathalie gazing so fondly at his dad. Even if we didn’t get confirmation on him shipping them in this episode, this would have hinted at it pretty well.

They already act like a mother and son- this is so cute. This is the kind of interaction I’ve been wanting to see more of. Especially from Nathalie, I know it’s small, but she’s a stoic “emotionless” character and she did something cute and wholesome. It just delves a little more into the relationship they have.

I’m hardly one to fawn over family dynamics but this show brings it out in me.

“It’s been one year; the longer you keep him in the dark about what you’re doing, the harder it will be on him when he finds out.” So this tells me a few things.

1. Adrien’s 15th should be coming up soon

2. They’re both aware that when Adrien finds out he’s going to be hurt

3. They know that it’s inevitable for him to find out

and 4. They’ve had conversations about this before. The way she just brought it up like this, they’ve likely had a few conversations about telling Adrien what’s happening under his roof. And she’s encouraged Gabriel before. Now that it’s the anniversary of Emilie’s disappearance, she’s nudging him more because you know, what better day to tell your son that you’re a supervillain and his mom’s in the basement than the day you lost her to begin with (which, makes it sound bad but it makes sense to tell him on this day, if they were waiting to tell him.)

---

“Little kitty on a roof, all alone without his-” “Adrien” Gabriel decided right then and there to go tell him. To tell him.

Okay so this is....actually really good. lot of parenting things I’ve read/watched will mention getting down on the child’s level, especially if it’s for a more serious topic or something they need to understand without feeling like they’re being talked down to. It’s a good technique to use and it’s also kinda showing Gabriel opening up just a bit because...well what else is he going to do with what he’s about to tell his son? (I mean of course him sitting down by him isn’t going to make up for everything he’s done, nor does it make him any better of a parent- but it does go to say that he does know a little more than I initially thought)

Also, with the way this is set up, you can’t blame Adrien for the way he reacts. It really sounds like the way to set up a conversation on how a parent has found someone new to love with their child.

Also, “I think about telling you every day, but I don’t know how to find the right words”- so in other words he actually WANTS to tell him. This isn’t something Nathalie is pushing him to do because she thinks it’ll be best, this is something she’s ENCOURAGING him to do because she knows he wants and needs too but is to scared to actually do it on his own. But the point is that he was actually about to tell Adrien that he is Hawkmoth. Which would mean he would have to explain why he’s Hawkmoth, and lead to him showing Adrien his mother, maybe he could have even met Nooroo and Duusu. Then again, Adrien might be very reluctant to go down and see his mother in that state. That might just be something that was an offer for if he wanted to see her. And at least if he found out this way, he wouldn’t have to shout, ask “Why” so much or rush his own father and be punted out of the ceiling. Different approaches call for different reactions. This one would have led to something likely still bitter and betrayed, but with a clearer explanation and more emotional attachment. It wouldn’t all be hitting at once, they could go as slow as Adrien needed to process it because it wouldn’t be in the heat of battle. But it would have to be approached cautiously otherwise I can see Adrien transforming right then and there and allowing his emotions to take over again. But none of that is what happened.

“I think I already know father”

“But...how?” no amount of panic in his voice...just a genuine question. There’s panic in his eyes yes, because 1. How does Adrien know 2. Does that mean he’s slipped up at some point? Who else could know? Who else could find out? but no fear in his voice because 3. If Adrien already knows, and just says so in such a calm manor, if he were going to tell anyone else he already would have.

“I’ve noticed how close you and Nathalie have become”

Gabriel’s face “W h a t? What is he talking about- oh, that’s what he’s talking about....”

“If she can make you happy again...” well I can’t say Gabriel has necessarily been subtle with his grief *cue Parisian's screaming in the background”, but still, that just tells me that there’s a noticeable change in Gabriel’s behavior from before Emilie disappeared. People act differently when they’re unhappy.

“....then as far as I’m concerned, she’s already part of our family” this boy loves her so much. He looks so happy talking about her to his dad, that he seems to be opening up a bit and talking to him, and at the idea that the hole in their lives will be filled, not even with someone new but with someone who has already established their place in the household. Someone who is already a chosen part of their family (As I like to say, family is chosen.). It’s so pure- whenever they have this talk again in the future I hope it goes well. Because with the way Gabriel reacts, they’re going to need it.

Also, I’d like to say that I greatly appreciate their relationship actually being spoken about aside from it being exclusively from Nathalie or between Nathalie and Duusu (which btw, we didn’t get a conversation between Nathalie and Duusu in Chat Blanc or Felix discussing her feelings which tells me that either we’re going to get a flashback scene in season 4, or Duusu was able to sense Nathalie’s emotions and based on my interpretation of body language and stuff from the finale, Gabriel may be very aware of Nathalie’s feelings for him already but I’d like to wait for English Miracle Queen before making that assumption whole)

*Gabriel Agreste has hit a rage*

“As long as she is still in our hearts, she lives on.” Not the kind of thing you’d expect to hear from someone like Gabriel IMO. And as folks have said, he never got mad at the idea of being with Nathalie- he got mad at the idea of moving on from Emilie. And I have to admit, him saying “No one could ever replace your mother” yeah, I mean, I understand that. But here’s the deal- moving on from someone, doesn’t mean you never loved them, or even that you don’t still love them even while loving someone else. Getting remarried isn’t ‘replacing’ your original spouse.

Moving on from someone you love is hard as heck. Sometimes, it might even feel impossible to do, but in some cases, it’s necessary for you and those around you. Moving on isn’t going to slander their legacy, it’s not going to somehow invalidate what you had with them previously- and again, it’s not replacing them. It’s a natural human feeling to...want to have someone by your side. Your spouse being put into the kind of state Emilie is in is going to leave a gaping hole beside you in that sense, in your family dynamic and etc. and a new spouse and relationship can help fill that, stick by your side for the remainder of your life and still not replace the person you first loved. Gabriel was mad not at Adrien, but at the idea of moving on from Emilie, and just can’t seem to grasp the idea that moving on is not that same thing as replacing. Him and Nathalie won’t be able to get together until he realizes that. That being said...

Adrien’s blank stare is priceless. “If that’s not what you were gonna tell me then what is it? No need to get so mad...why are you mad? You could have just said no...” like he can see the pointlessness in this anger but still understands the reaction...but still he probably wants to know what on Earth his dad was talking about if it wasn’t in reference to his relationship with Nathalie. Idk. 10/10 reaction, Adrien.

Then typical Gabriel comes back out and he just storms off. Geez the kid just wants you happy and to have a mom, calm down.

---

They have him crying a good bit lately. He could really use a hug.

NOW THE PARTY DON”T START TILL I WALK IN

Now we have Amelie...and I gotta be honest, I know some folks already really like her but she’s just the type of person I can’t stand. Just in her personality. She just seems to be everywhere at once, taking up so much space and attention. Nathalie seems to just fade into the background and go unnoticed, in comparison. So no matter Amelie’s intentions, her grating personality would probably make me dislike her anyway.

And as Gabriel is explaining Adrien just looks so confused

Like his first reaction was that it was his mother and not the more logical “Mother’s twin sister” and it takes Gabriel actually saying that it’s his Aunt for him to realize exactly what’s going on.

And of course I’m sure you’ve all processed the puppy-dog like expression that comes over Adrien’s face when Felix walks in. He just loves his family even though it seems to just be filled with bad people. Then Amelie goes into her thing about Adrien and Felix fooling Gabriel and Emilie for a whole weekend and she says “We laughed so hard”- did Gabriel laugh too? She says “we”....does that mean everyone but Gabriel or does that mean that Gabriel wasn’t always quite so tightly wound?

I always feel so awkward when we get these close-ups of their butt..

“Felix you know your uncle’s never been the physical sort” because it’s how he shows affection. With how much that has been emphasized at this point, it HAS to be a story-telling element. Why, outside of just showcasing different personality types and comfort zones, have someone that’s so adamantly against physical contact? I mean they could have chosen anyone for this, but they chose Gabriel specifically then turn around and have him and Nathalie being very physical. From what I can tell, it’s a part of the show and character specifically for the Gabenath element of the story.

Also I find it funny how she says this in front of his son just because....if he’s never been the physical sort, I doubt Adrien would be standing there.

Someone at some point is going to photoshop Nathalie into this frame over Amelie aren’t they?

I don’t know. They way she’s so enthusiastic about everything gets on my nerves- then again, I have plenty of characters that are enthusiastic that I like very well. It’s just the way she pulls it off, okay I’m done knocking her personality because that’s just a personal thing and this fandom has enough salt- This scene just grinds my gears. I’m sure she has her good qualities too, and other’s probably quite enjoy her enthusiastic attitude, but I feel like she just seems so entitled...let me explain.

She knows she looks like an exact replica of Emilie and, while I understand the sentiment here, decides to come over to the Agreste house on this day anyway. I know the way she looks is far from her control, and she deserves support just as much as the rest of the family on a day like this, however, would it not be hard on Gabriel (if she was honestly thinking about him) to see someone that looked so strikingly like his supposedly deceased wife in his home, walking around like there’s nothing wrong, on the very day he lost her? Her hairstyle is even the same- but I could understand the sentiment if it didn’t seem like she was just using this vulnerable day for them to try and fish out something she has no right to (to our knowledge).

It’s the rings. She’s not in the house five minutes before she brings them up. She greets them, gives the boys time to greet each other, then casually brings up the topic to get down to business.

“You’re still wearing your wedding band! You must have Emilie’s too I imagine, you never replied to my message about that. I’d still like to get the rings back, you know.”

“These rings are obviously very special to me.”

“And they’re very dear to me too, Gabriel. Those jewels have always been in the Graham De Vanily family, not, the Agreste’s.” *smiles*

Well girl wtfrick is your name rn? I can only assume atm that you took your husband’s name too. You may still be up and walking but the rings belong to Gabriel now.

“I’d still like to get the rings back..” so did you give them to them then? If they meant so much to you why would you give them to them as wedding rings if so? If you wanted them so desperately you don’t give them up like that- you wouldn’t be asking for them if Emilie was still there, would you?

And here’s the kicker, in the end we realize that she wasn’t even trying to get them for her, or sentimental reasons, or even a feeling of entitlement- no, she was getting them purely to give them to her bratty son. It doesn’t matter if she gave them to them or if they were passed down to Emilie.

Tell me, where is it okay to ask a grieving, lonely man to give up what you believe to be the only connection he has left to his marriage (besides Adrien but that’s beside the point)- where is it okay to ask a man to give away his wedding rings just because his wife died? Especially if you’re not going to do anything with them but give them to your spoiled son? Those rings mean a lot to Gabriel, they were his wedding rings- I don’t know what significance they hold for the Graham De Vanily family, but regardless of that they belong to Gabriel and he’s obviously taken good care of them.

What makes me even more upset about this is that....she wanted them for Felix! Not because she’s potentially the only sister Emilie had and therefore outside of the boys is the only living heir of the Graham De Vanily family and therefore thinks that since she’s the most direct descendant she should have them for traditions sake or whatnot- but because Felix likes them.

Adrien is just as much a Graham De Vanily as Felix and has just as much right, if not more so, to those rings.

He and Felix may be on equal ground when it comes to blood relation to the family, but even if Amelie didn’t take her husband’s last name and Felix is Felix Graham De Vanily, they were the rings for Adrien’s parent’s marriage, they belong to his parents now, therefore he is directly in line for that inheritance and deserves it every bit as much as Felix. Amelie has no right to take that away from him just because Felix likes the story behind them.

Then after that Gabriel says “We’ll discuss it later”

Which you know is code for “I’m not going to have this conversation” so he can just keep them without having to worry about her trying to give context.

---

Also, I’d just like to say that Marinette’s video-confession sounds like she’s being a supportive and emotionally-open friend. Sure it’s a declaration of love, but it by no means sounds like a confession of romantic love. I can easily see Adrien taking it as a platonic “I love you” and being like “Aw, Marinette. I love you too, you’re such a good friend.” She tries so hard. Alya’s excitement over it though is great.

---

Dang! Look t that layout! I love the structure of this house. and if I’m right, there are two floors below it too...but is the butterfly window on the back of the house? Wouldn’t people notice a giant butterfly window constantly opening and closing? I don’t know, but I do like how the walls on the sides have doors so that you can walk out on them. Imagine Marinette serenading Adrien while he’s standing out on one.

---

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to your dad’s funeral...” dang, man. That’s heavy. How did he know that’s exactly what he was upset about? And that was actually another good move on Gabriel’s part....it would have been hard on Adrien to go to his uncle’s funeral given how close in death dates Emilie and his uncle seem to be. It might have been good for Felix to have the support of someone who understood, but Gabriel had to think about Adrien, not Felix.

“You have every right to be mad at me”

No, he has every right to be upset about it. But not be mad at YOU for something that was out of your hands.

“He’s very...protective of me.” For some reason I like that line. It was very soft.

Well that was a jerk move. Snoop. And yikes.

Felix taking his anger out on Adrien for something he couldn’t control? Man, not cool. He really had this planned out too didn’t he? Steal his phone, then knew he was friendly and welcoming enough to let him shower and borrow clothes- he was looking for a way to cause some sorrow in the boys life by stealing his phone. He got lucky with the video thing but if he hadn’t had that to work with he would have probably tied to get the address of some of his friends and dress up as him and go be rude in person or text them something nasty. The timing of the video was really good for Felix.

....yikes...but Plagg is right. What a petty act, squashing cheese under his pillow for not going to a funeral he likely wanted to go to to support Felix. It’s pretty standard for people who are grieving to act differently or lash out, but it’s not a valid excuse for the behavior. People cope differently but after a while, if that’s how you cope...maybe it’s time for some therapy.

It’s good to see a softer side of Chloe. Shows how underneath all that condescension and bratty attitude, she’s still an actual person and can care for others.

Nyoom

---

Also I like how Gabriel immediately recognized that it wasn’t his son on the video. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. As a matter of fact I like how Nathalie, even when Adrien is pretending to be Felix and convinces Alya Rose and Juleka that he is Felix, Nathalie is still adamently like “Adrien s t o p”

---

Nino and Marinette too, they’re both positive it isn’t Adrien and have faith in him. Even after the video is confirmed unaltered. Kim actually has some logical reasoning, which, honestly I feel. I hardly ever consider someone a friend until I’ve known them for at least a year (there have been folks I’ve known longer than that and never considered friends- because you only know so much about a person. You never know what they might pull) so his reasoning that they’ve only known him since they got back from the summer? Totally valid. And this?

Okay, so I realize that he probably shouldn’t be akumatizing people that are going to go after Adrien, and if he were going to should have moved him BEFORE akumatising them...but he’s taking action to keep Adrien safe from the akumas that are upset with him, and even took his phone into consideration. He hasn’t done that with some previous akumas. And this also tells us that the weapon phones can connect to normal phones and therefore must have a number. Can’t be the same as their normal phone’s number, otherwise when Ladybug and Chat text they could recognize them- so does that mean that Nathalie could potentially have a contact in her phone (Finale spoiler: in the finale she calls Hawkmoth by the press of a button) that calls Hawkmoth? Imagine if Ladybug got hold of her phone and pressed the number while Hawkmoth was active. That could end badly.

Confused Nathalie is cute. It took a second for her to realize which was which, which of course is realistic. They look really similar, it could take a moment for it to register.

Juleka: Which one of you is a cruel and inferior copy of the original?

Me @ studios that rip-off more popular movies/shows to make a quick buck.

Rose pointed her weapon at Adrien and immediately Nathalie just

These spot the difference games are getting hard.

She’s protecting her angry boy.

Don’t make mama mad.

Shes-a gonna getchya.

Okay, how strong is she? Or how light is Rose? I know for a fact that even if you’re just a naturally strong person it’s not easy to just pick up someone that size and throw them. I can hardly throw a 40lb child. Rose is at least 100 and Nathalie doesn’t even break a sweat. Is it the adrenaline? This has me in as much awe as when Kyoya Ootori dents the hood of a car with his fist out of frustration- I’ve tested it out just to see and denting the hood of a car is hard with just a fist without hurting yourself. Likewise it’s pretty hard to yeet a highschool kid. I now head canon that she works out along with Gabriel.

That’s determination in her eyes

Friendly reminder that she’s doing this in heels.

If I felt like editing this some of these screenshots could be sent into the funny miraculous screenshots blog.

Also Rose’s “Ow ow ow” after kicking shins humoured me.

Catch me over-analyzing Nathalie’s fight scene, she jumped pretty high though. Okay, that’s enough on her fight. Also, the fact that not only Nathalie, but Felix too, can hold their own against 3 akumas at least for a while...I wonder if any akumas have been defeated by skilled civilians before Ladybug could show up.

Moving on, I think it’s really cool how they allowed Ladybug to be able to punch Felix in the face even though he looks like Adrien, and how they had her be like “No” even though it seemed like Adrien was trying to kiss her. And the music, it’s all soft and romantic at first then it goes all distorted and creepy...very fitting.

That utter rage...man, 15/10. Good content. I like seeing girls be able to stand up for themselves. And then she immediately knows it’s not Adrien.

“Felix, smash it in half and this nightmare will be over” “What makes you think I want it to be over?” Dang. That’s some Azula-level stuff right there. I like that, I want more of that.

“Hawkmoth, can you hear me Hawkmoth!”

Yes, yes, I like that. They’re able to communicate through the akumatized people too...I like that very much. Oooh boy, I can’t wait for Felix to come back in season 4. I quite enjoy seeing people willing to work with Hawkmoth and not be as annoying as Lila. What if FELIX is the new Hawkmoth and is working to...idk, bring his dad back? And Lila is his Mayura...or vice versa...that would make it so interesting.

And here I like how Adrien is telling Felix off but still somehow able to be completely soft with it. He’s upset with him and wants to make that clear but he’s still his family and doesn’t want to completely discard him.

And Felix...dang, I like Felix. He’s got the acting gene. He can lie and manipulate and actually do it well. He seems genuine. Lila, you can always tell she’s acting, that she’s never sincere- but she’s able to manipulate situations. Felix on the other hand...he’s able to go with the flow and adapt quickly. He’s a fantastic actor and if you couldn’t see the hidden context at the end, you’d actually be able to believe him.

And the one time Gabriel actually extends a hand to someone outside his immediate family or isn’t blind and needs someone to guide them (we see Tomoe with her arm wrapped in Gabriel’s once in a while)....he gets robbed of a prized possession. Dang. Don’t expect him to open up to Felix anymore for a long time.

*internalized screaming*

I think it’s pretty obvious to her that he stole it. He never had any opportunity to talk Gabriel into giving it up and he’s likely known for being able to pull things off like that.

I understand that she wants her son to be happy and that he likes the story of the rings, but she should make him return it...but obviously her little angel always gets what he wants, why should she make him give back something he “earned”? She should be asking more questions, he had no right to take it right off Gabriel’s finger. *more internal screaming* I don’t care how many wrongs Gabriel has made, I know this is part of karma coming out to get him but two wrongs don’t make a right. This isn’t math, the negatives don’t make a positive. It just makes more negatives.

“I’m glad it’s back in the family where it truly belongs” but it was never out of the family! Gabriel IS your family! Adrien is your nephew- he was your sisters son, oh my gosh you make no sense!! *deep breath* Okay. The only thing I can think of that would have allowed the ring to stay with folks named Graham De Vanily would be if 1. All their ancestors had sons who’s wives took their last name, therefore they were passed down from son to son so as to keep it not just in the family, but in the name or 2. Graham De Vanily was the name of Amelie’s husband and for some reason, her husband gave Emilie and Gabriel the twin rings instead of using them in his own wedding...which...no.

So Gabriel has to now wear Emilie’s ring

And he doesn’t even bother to put her hands back into place.

Might he have been a little more thoughtful about that, if Adrien at the beginning hadn’t made his comment about him and Nathalie? Or was it just his anger making him forget?

---

Overall the episode was fantastic imo and while Amelie grinds my gears it will definitely be interesting to see more of her and her boy (after all, why introduce a character so interesting if you won’t bring them back?)

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nattikay · 5 years

Text

So I don’t typically like making personal posts of this type, as I generally come here to escape all that and relax, but at this point I’m just not really sure where else to go with it, all things considered.

Anyways...I’ve been...stressed lately. No, coronavirus isn’t the root cause of it, but it certainly ain’t helping (as I will explain later).

So the first thing I guess...is my younger sister’s wedding tomorrow. To explain why this is a stressor I first have to reveal a bit about myself, a little deeper than I am usually comfortable doing on the internet, and I know it’s ultimately gonna make me sound like...kinda a selfish butthole.

So...I’ve always greatly valued the concept of marriage and family. It’s a value I hold very dear, I always have, and I’ve always wanted to one day get married and have kids of my own. However, I’ve also always struggled hugely with social anxiety, for pretty much as long as I can remember, and needless to say dating does not come easily to me.

For a while, that was ok because I had other goals to work towards in the meantime...getting into my college of choice...getting into their animation program...doing well in my classes...graduating...getting a job...but now I’ve done all those things, and getting married would be the natural next step in life.

...if I could actually fall in love with someone.

So I’m stuck. I feel like I’m just treading water, or running in circles. I feel like I can’t progress and it’s scary. But progressing itself, going out and meeting people, opening myself up like that--is also scary. It’s like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. A lose-lose situation.

I did have a sort-of boyfriend towards the end of college, but then I graduated and moved away and, well...things are a bit complicated. I still chat with him online now and then, but we only see each other in-person maybe once or twice a year for conventions. And even though we’re still on good terms in a friendly sorta way, given the time and distance I’m not sure whether or not he’s still interested in pursuing that type of relationship with me, nor am I sure how to bring it up without making him feel awkward.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should’ve stayed in Utah after I graduated, found a job there and been able to spend more time with him...but I didn’t...and now a part of me feels like...I dunno....like I missed my chance?

But...all of that’s a tangent...it’s not the only issue...

So anyways...like I said...this is my younger sister’s wedding. For those who don’t know, I’m the oldest sibling in my family. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as stressed if my sister were older than me. But as it is...this is the first time in my life that I haven’t been first to a major life event. And yes, I know, I know it’s not a race, it’s not a competition, etc. etc. etc....I know. But...it’s a reminder.

I’m stuck, and now I’m being “surpassed” and I’m constantly being reminded.

And things seemed to work out so easily for her too. She met this guy less than a year ago and they’re absolutely head-over-heels obsessed with each other.

and I don’t

understand

that?

I mean, her fiancé’s a good guy don’t get me wrong, and they’re really happy together and I’m glad of that, but at the same time...watching how they are with each other, how they interact...I don’t...know that I’ve ever felt that? And in my head, I wish I could, it seems like it’d be so nice but...

guys, sometimes I feel like I’m broken.

I feel like I don’t have that capacity to get so excited over a real person the way my sister and her fiancé are about each other.

Not romantically. Not even platonically.

Except...not quite. I do have some capacity to be all giddy. But...it only ever seems to happen with fictional characters, animals, or plushies.

Never real people. Never real relationships.

and I don’t

understand

why

And quite frankly, I’m terrified, absolutely terrified that that’ll lead me to being forever alone

And yes, I know that some people are perfectly content to live their lives single, and that’s fine and you do you and I’m not gonna judge you or say you’re invalid or whatever; I don’t believe that. But...I don’t think I’m one of those people. Marriage and family is something I hold too dear to my heart to just give up on the idea of having my own.

But...like I said...reminders.

Reminders, reminders, and reminders of one of my weaknesses, one of my struggles, of a concept that utterly frightens me and I have to be around it constantly right now. And when I’m with other people, I have to do it with a smile.

I love my sister, don’t get me wrong. And like I said, her fiancé’s a good guy. I’m glad they’re happy. I don’t want to ruin that for them with my selfish struggles. Just because I’m unhappy right now doesn’t mean I have to drag them down with me. They deserve to have a good time.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

So...there. That’s why my sister’s wedding is a stressor for me.

On top of all that...the wedding was supposed to be in April, in Utah. But because of the coronavirus shutdowns, we’ve had to to some last-minute rearrangements, and now it’s tomorrow here in Alabama. This has been extremely stressful on my mom, who really put a lot of dedication into the wedding planning and is bummed that it didn’t work out. She’s been particularly frazzled this past week, constantly scrambling to get all the rearrangements taken care of and terrified that more shutdowns with mess it all up again.

This is why I’m making this post here. Usually I would talk to my mom, or my therapist...but I don’t have another therapy appointment for a few weeks (if it hasn’t been cancelled for the virus) and my mom, well...she has enough of her own problems to deal with right now. I don’t want to burden her with mine.

And then there’s the situation at work. With the whole social distancing thing going on they’re trying to get as many people set up to work remotely as possible. Unfortunately, because of what I do and the way our network works, this entails bringing home my entire computer setup, which is a hassle in itself on merely a physical level. I stuck it out coming into the office longer than most of my coworkers, but my mom texted me today saying that they’re now talking about shutting down all “non-essential” businesses so if I wanted to work at all over the next little bit and not eat up vacation hours I should just bite the bullet and move my setup home. So I did.

But now there’s another potential problem. I’ve got all the hardware and it should work just fine...but I also need internet connectivity in order to access our pipeline. As we were packing up my stuff, my coworker mentioned that he wasn’t actually sure if the computers had wifi capabilities and that I might have to plug it in directly...which could be a problem, because the internet connection is on the other side of the house from where I’d be working, and even if I moved my setup to that room I’m pretty sure I’d have to unplug the router in order to plug in this computer and then everyone else would lose their wifi...which would really suck with all of us being stuck at home right now, and would be especially detrimental to my dad who is also working from home right now and needs the wifi.

Granted, I haven’t actually tried to hook it up just yet, so who knows, I might just get lucky and it’ll have wifi capabilities after all...but I don’t know for sure yet.

I mentioned this issue to my mom when I got home today, mostly just to warn her that I might have to make some weird arrangements like a long extensions cord or something (if it doesn’t in fact have wifi). Alas, that turned out to be a mistake...like I said, my mom’s already really stressed with the wedding stuff and a potential work computer problem just added fuel to the fire and then she started stressing about that too even though it’s not really a thing she needs to be worrying about, it’s my problem to figure out...but nonetheless I felt pretty guilty for making her feel even more stressed that she already was.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get my work computer connected at home. I guess just bring it back to the office...but that’s assuming people with still be allowed in the building at all come next week. I just...I dunno man. I don’t know.

All this mess has led to me starting to experience certain anxiety symptoms that I haven’t really dealt with since I first went on my medication a few years ago, which means the stress is getting bad enough to...override the meds a bit. I guess. idk, the symptoms haven’t been too severe but the fact that they’re there at all...hng.

If you made it through this whole mess, congrats, I’m impressed

tl;dr

everything’s a mess, everyone’s stressed, I have anxiety and I don’t know who to talk to

not really looking for advice so much as just somewhere to vent and maybe some comfort, idk

Thanks for your time

-NattiKay

#just a really big vent #if you actually get through the whole thing...I'm impressed #but don't feel obligated to #just trying to get some things off my chest I guess #idk #just don't really know where to turn right now #:/

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chopstickchild · 4 years

Text

ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

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heauxplesslydevoted · 5 years

Text

Sandpaper Kisses, Paper Cut Bliss

Pairing: Bertrand x Savannah, some minor Liam x MC

Inspired by this post here from @playchoicesficidea in which Bertrand catches Savannah cheating on him before their wedding. I’ve been in bed sick all day, so I’ve had nothing but time to write this.

Word Count: 3,00ish. Would’ve been longer because I had a Bartie Sr vs. Leona scene, that I cut once I realized I don’t give a damn about either of them.

Tag List: I’m just gonna tag everyone who expressed interest in this particular prompt period. @canknot @lapisreviewsstuff @kingliamsbitch @thecordoniandiaries @burnsoslow @ao719 @sirbeepsalot @whenyourheartskipsabeat @katedrakeohd @kingliamsbish @lovemychoices ~~

It’s the night before Bertrand and Savannah’s wedding, and thins at the Walker ranch are surprisingly calm. Queen Kendall truly cannot believe it. She was expecting them to be putting out a million fires, especially since that’s all they’ve done since they arrived on the ranch over two weeks ago.

“What’s on your mind, beautiful?” Kendall turns and sees her husband Liam standing in the doorway of their guest room, a glass of water in his hands.

“Nothing much,” Kendall muses softly as she looks out the window. “It’s quiet out tonight.”

“It is.” Liam places his glass of water on the bedside table.

“We finally get a moment’s peace and it’s right before the wedding. The calm before the storm.”

Liam walks up behind his wife and wraps his arms around her midsection, holding her close. “I’m sure the ceremony will be lovely and go off without a hitch.”

“You’re going to look so handsome in your fancy white tux when you officiate. I can picture it already.”

Liam chuckles, a deep, sound reverberating in his chest. “Down, girl.”

“Oh please. I’ve worn plenty of outfits that you’ve barely let me take off before you pounced on me.”

Before Liam can respond, there’s a small knock on their still open bedroom door. They break apart and spot Bertrand standing there, an almost shy look on his face.

Kendall smiles at seeing him. “Bertrand! What are you doing up so late? The groom should be asleep by now.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt you two, but I need help,” Bertrand says, wringing his hands together.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Savannah. I went to her bedroom because I wanted to talk to her, but she was nowhere to be found. Can you help me look for her?”

“Where’s Bartie?” Liam asks.

“He’s sleeping with Bianca tonight,” Bertrand explains. “She thought Savannah and I needed a good night’s rest before the wedding and that wouldn’t be possible with a toddler in either of our rooms.”

Kendall glances at Liam, then turns back to Bertrand with a nod. “Sure, we’ll help you.”

After putting on her robe and a pair of slippers, Kendall takes off, Bertrand and Liam behind her.

They check all of the main rooms of the house: kitchen, family room, dining room, and all of the guest bathrooms. No Savannah in any of those rooms.

“Have you checked the stables?” Liam asks. “Maybe she’s gone off for a midnight ride.”

“That’s a good idea. It would also be perfect because I have a gift for her.”

Kendall’s ears perk up at the mention of a gift. “Ooh, what?”

“I was able to find the person who bought their old saddle, and I bought it back. I wanted to give it to Savannah to use tomorrow if she wanted. I know how much that saddle meant to her.”

“Bertrand Beaumont, you are such a romantic,” Kendall teases, playfully knocking shoulders with the older man. A faint blush appears on his cheeks, and he quickly lowers his head so Liam and Kendall can’t see. It doesn’t work, but they don’t bring any attention to it.

Bertrand awkwardly pulls at the collar of his shirt. “Well, I want Savannah to be happy above everything else.”

“She’ll be elated!” Kendall says excitedly. “It’s a very thoughtful gift.”

They fall into a comfortable silence en route to the stables, Liam grabbing Kendall’s hand and interlocking their fingers. Bertrand notices the simple gesture. “You two are so...adorable.”

“I love this woman tremendously,” Liam says simply. “I can’t help but constantly show her affection.”

Kendall squeezes his fingers and turns to Bertrand. “I picked a good one, didn’t I?”

Bertrand smiles at them. After everything they’ve been through, they deserve to spend the rest of their days happily in love. He can only hope that he is so lucky to have such an...effortless and out loud love as the king and queen. “You picked one the best.”

They finally make their way to the stables. It’s quiet, but Bertrand hears faint rustling coming from the very end. “Hello?” He calls out.

The noise gets louder and more defined. It sounds like...moaning? Do horses moan? Investigating it further, he creeps towards the back of the stables.

The sight of his very naked fiancée tangled in a very lewd embrace with Chuck is the very last thing he expected to see, but here it is.

His heart drops to his stomach. His feet are frozen in place. He can’t move, he can’t breathe. Maybe he’s hallucinating, or having a very vivid nightmare because surely, this cannot be real, right?

A sharp gasp followed by a shocked “oh my!” pulls him back down to earth and gets him out of his head. Oh yeah, he forgot that quickly that he isn’t alone. Kendall and Liam are there with him.

The noise gets the attention of Savannah and Chuck. They scramble apart, quickly searching for anything to cover themselves with, like roaches scattering once confronted with light.

So many things swirl around in Bertrand’s mind. He doesn’t know what to do in this moment. Scream? Throw a fit? Break down in tears? Punch Chuck in his face?

He does none of the above, and instead simply turns around and walks off.

“Bertrand, wait!” Savannah calls after him, still rushing to put her clothes on. After managing to get her shirt on — though backwards and inside out — she gets up and runs after Bertrand. Kendall follows, and Liam does as well.

Once back in the safety of the main house, Savannah manages to catch Bertrand walking through the living room, heading to the stairs. “Bertrand! Please, can we talk about this?”

“Savannah, I think we’re past the point of talking, don’t you?”

“Bertrand, I am so sorry.” She runs towards him and tries to grab his hand, but he flinches and backs away. “I can explain.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Savannah bristles at the sound of Kendall’s voice, “I think what we just witnessed needs to explanation.”

Savannah turns and sees that Liam and Kendall have made their way back into the house, along with a shirtless Chuck. “With all due respect, this doesn’t concern you, your majesty.”

“If you think I’m going to let you isolate Bertrand so you turn on the tears or give him some bullshit story, you are sorely mistaken.”

“What is with all this noise?” Another voice, Bianca’s, enters the picture. Bertrand looks up and sees everyone else come coming down the stairs. “We have a wedding to get ready for in a few— Chuck! What are you doing here?”

“It’s fine, mom,” Savannah says. “Everyone can go back to bed.”

Bianca crosses her arms across her chest. “It doesn’t look fine.”

Kendall looks to Bertrand to see if he wants to be the one to say something. But he looks so...broken. She’s never seen him so down before.

He sighs heavily, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I’m sorry to inform you all that there won’t be a wedding tomorrow.”

“What?” Leona shrieks. “Do you know how much money and resources we’ve spent to make this wedding happen?”

“Well maybe Savannah and Chuck can get married,” Kendall suggests, keeping her voice level.

“Why on earth would Savannah marry Chuck?” Bianca asks.

“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” Kendall asks rhetorically. “She was just having sex with him in the stables less than 5 minutes ago.”

The room grows so silent, you could hear a pin drop five miles away.

“No way,” Bianca says breaking the silence. “No way my daughter would do such a thing.”

“Let’s all use our detective skills, shall we?” Kendall starts. “Chuck is shirtless, Savannah is standing here, haphazardly dressed, clothes inside out, hair askew, and Bertrand called off the wedding. If it walks like a cheater, and quacks like a cheater, it’s a cheater!”

“Kendall, stop!” Savannah snaps.

“Oh I’m just getting started,” Kendall argues. “How could you? Bertrand is one of the best men I know, and all you’ve ever done is take advantage.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You never loved Bertrand,” Kendall continues. “You only loved the idea of him, the rich and sophisticated Duke, with the glamorous lifestyle sweeping the pretty commoner off of her feet. You were infatuated. You love playing games. You robbed him of knowing his child, unilaterally deciding that he wasn’t good enough to be a father to his son, but you accepted very generous sums of money from Maxwell, to the detriment of the estate and the relationship between brothers. You spent months playing a passive aggressive game of chicken with him before he finally proposed to you, at my wedding of all places. And now here we are. For weeks he’s been breaking his back, bending over backwards to appease you and your judgmental family, without an ounce of recognition or reciprocity, while having to deal with Chuck always lingering around in the background. Chuck, the guy you knew Bertrand was feeling insecure about, because he told you! I told you!” Kendall stalks closer to Savannah, drawing herself up to full height. “And what did you do? You tried to gaslight him and invalidate his feelings, knowing full well he was right all along, you traitorous snake. You are insensitive, and selfish, and self serving.”

Drake gets in-between the women, forcing Savannah to take a step back but Kendall doesn’t move an inch. He glares down at Kendall. “Mason, that’s enough.”

“I don’t think it’s nearly enough.”

“I don’t care how mad you are, she’s my sister. I’m not going to let you speak to her like that.”

Kendall’s eyes darken, and Drake doesn’t think he’s ever seen her so angry. Even in her rage, she’s so calm and composed, that’s what makes it so unsettling. She points to Bertrand, who’s standing at the bottom of the staircase. “And he is my brother. He’s not going to defend himself and call her out, but I will.”

It becomes apparent that neither one of them is willing to break the stalemate. Liam steps up to his wife and wraps a protective arm around her waist, holding her close. Yes, Drake is his best friend but Kendall is his wife, they are a package deal, and even though she can hold her own, he doesn’t like the situation she’s in. “Drake…please stand down.”

Drake casts a quick glance in Liam’s direction before sighing and stepping back. He looks around the room, and runs a hand through his hair. “I need some air.”

Liam takes Kendall’s hand and gently pulls her out of the fray.

Bertrand clears his throat, getting everyone’s attention. “If you guys are done, I’ll be upstairs packing.”

Kendall reaches out, but decides to leave Bertrand alone.

Bianca sighs. “Alright guys, the show is over, everyone disperse. And Chuck, you need to leave.”

~~/~~

Bertrand is in one of the guest bedrooms, sloppily packing his clothes. He doesn’t bother folding, opting to just throw everything into the open suitcase on the bed.

There’s a tentative knock on his door. He looks up and sees Savannah.

“Bertrand, can we talk?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Bertrand, please. I need to explain myself to you.”

“I don’t see how you can possibly explain yourself, Savannah.”

“I messed up. I made a huge mistake, and I am so sorry.”

Bertrand stops packing for a second and strides over to where Savannah is. He scans her features, taking in how disheveled she looks. He’s instantly reminded of why she looks like this in the first place, and his stomach flips. “Was that the first time?”

“What?”

“Was that the first time you slept with him while engaged to me? Or have you been doing it the whole time we’ve been down here.”

“This was the first time, the last time, the only time. Bertrand, I swear!”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. We’ve been...flirting ever since we got down here, and I thought it was harmless, but tonight, I was walking around trying to clear my head before the wedding and I found him in the stables. We were talking, and then it just...happened.”

“It didn’t just ‘happen’ as you so eloquently put it. You cheated on me. You made a conscious decision to do so, it wasn’t random, it wasn’t happenstance, it was a choice.”

“You’re right.”

“Kendall was right, all this time I’ve been worrying about Chuck, and my intuition was right all along, though you made me feel like I was crazy.”

“Nothing was going on though. Tonight was the first time.”

“That may be true, but it’s been brewing since we’ve been down here. You’ve let it simmer and fester until it all came to a head tonight. It may not have been physical, but you entertained the idea.”

“Is there any way we can work this out?”

“No. Because the sight of you disgusts me. Looking at you right now, the only thing I see are his hands on you, his lips on you. You’re talking, but in the back of my mind, I hear you moaning on a loop. And you absolutely reek of his cheap cologne, and even if you wash it off, I’ll never forget the stench.”

That gets a physical reaction out of Savannah and she stumbles back as if she’s been struck. “So what happens now?”

“I don’t know. I’m going back to Cordonia. I don’t know if you’re staying here, or going back to your apartment in Paris, or if you’ll want to show your face at court after this, because our queen doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood right now. We can figure out an appropriate schedule for Bartie, and I’ll still take care of him financially, but like I said, the wedding is off, and we’re done.”

“But–”

“Savannah!” Bertrand barks. “For God’s sake, go away!”

The outburst stuns her into silence. Her lip quivers slightly, but she bites down on it to keep from crying. She just nods. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone.”

He doesn’t respond. He just waits for her to leave the room. Once the door is closed, Bertrand falls back onto the bed, the exhaustion heavy in his bones. Every inch of his body, from his hair follicles down to his toes, is tired.

He closes his eyes tightly and opens them after a few seconds, hoping that this is just a bad dream. He even pinches himself, so hard, he’s sure he’ll be bruised by sunrise.

He closes his eyes again, but the image of Savannah and Chuck dances behind his eyelids and he feels like throwing up.

“Bertrand? Its Maxwell. Can Kendall and I come in?”

Bertrand goes silent for a while, hoping they’ll just assume he’s sleeping and leave him alone.

Maxwell only knocks again, louder this time. “Bertrand? Come on, we know you’re up.”

“Come in,” Bertrand commands weakly after another beat of silence. The door creaks open, and in walk Kendall and Maxwell. They join him on his bed, trapping him in between them.

“We don’t have to talk,” Maxwell says. “We just didn’t want you to be alone.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. The Beaumont Bros...and their sister, stick together, always.”

Bertrand sits up and scans the room. He eyes the saddle sitting in the corner of the bedroom, and his chest constricts at the sight. He chuckles humorlessly. “You guys wouldn’t believe the lengths I went to get that saddle.”

“Sell it again,” Maxwell says with a shrug.

“No. Even though I have the urge to burn it, my son is a Walker. It’s his family heirloom, I’d never get rid of it. It belongs here.”

Kendall gently squeezes Bertrand’s arm. “You’re a good guy.”

“The best guy,” Maxwell corrects.

“Absolutely. The best.”

“I was supposed to be getting married tomorrow,” Bertrand whispers. A tear rolls down his face, and he doesn’t bother wiping it away. “I loved Savannah with every fiber in my being, hell, I still do.”

“What can we do to help?” Maxwell asks.

“If you never want to see her face again, I can ban her from Cordonia,” Kendall offers. “I’m pretty sure I have the power to do that, and if not, Liam can make it happen.”

“That won’t be necessary. She’s still the mother of my child, I’ll have to see her. I’ll have to be cordial.”

“Well, I don’t,” Kendall says. “If you ever want to be childish and petty, you have full permission to do it via me. And the best part is, no is allowed to call me out on it.”

Bertrand manages to laugh. “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“And if you ever need to be distracted, I’m your guy,” Maxwell adds.

“I appreciate the offers.”

“We should get some sleep,” Kendall announces. “It’s been a long day, and I plan on getting out of here bright and early. Unless you wanted to leave now? Because I’m fine with that as well.”

“No, tomorrow morning is fine. In all honesty, I’m too tired to move right now.”

“Okay.” Kendall stands up. “Come on Maxwell, let’s let Bertrand rest.”

Maxwell rolls out of the bed. “Seriously, in a few hours if you get the urge to get out of here, tell us. We’ll steal a bottle of their whiskey and be gone.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Kendall asks.

“I’m sure. Go get some sleep.”

Kendall walks over to Bertrand and wraps him in a tight hug. Soon after, Maxwell joins in. “We love you.”

Bertrand settles into the hug, embracing them back. “I love you guys as well.”

Tonigh might have been the worst night of his life, but Bertrand finds comfort in knowing that he’ll always have his family in his corner. And in this moment, that’s all the solace he needs.

#choices: stories you play #playchoices #the royal heir #bertrand beaumont #savannah walker #trr mc #king liam #the royal romance

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macgyvers · 5 years

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okay so i finally finished watching love is blind and i have some THOUGHTS

cameron is the sweetest guy in the WORLD and everyone’s right like he is the epitome of calm ??? his voice ?? his persona?? he’s just like The Chill Scientist and the way he was crying when lauren walked down that aisle ?????? MA’AM you just KNOW it was so real for him ??? I HAVE MAD RESPECT for how he handled meeting lauren’s dad for the first time too??? THE CLASS??

i am LIVING for lauren’s family and how tight-knit everybody is (couldn’t help thinking how POCs will always have better family dynamics i said what i said) and i was BAWLING my eyes out when her father saw her in her wedding dress??? i hate her baby voice though and her “oh my god that’s sO cuUuUuUute” @ everything like shh no

listen i keep forgetting kenny and kelly were even there in mexico but after that last episode, UMMMMM KENNY DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER

say what you want to make yourself feel better kelly but you led the poor guy on and you can’t even admit it to yourself. lmao this chick is really out here talking about how she’s not as physically attracted to him as he is to her lmaoooo full of yourself much??? also like i don’t get it because she said the physical attraction was DEFINITELY there in mexico so idk what she’s going on about ????? talking about how she’s more into brunettes like okay you said you love him and call him your soulmate but won’t marry him because of his hair color?? LMAOOOOO

kenny and kelly were literally the ones with families who were the quickest to get on board and YET LMAOOOOO kelly sucks. i said what i said

jessica is hands down one of the most annoying people i’ve ever had to watch on reality tv like the urge to literally skip all her scenes with mark was STRONG and she should STOP drinking because she’s a fucking mess. absolutely rude and disrespectful (not just when she’s drunk) and she’s just ???? NO. i like her even less than i like kelly and that’s saying something. also her constantly trying to initiate things with barnett like girl you’re EMBARRASSING yourself. i’m pretty sure she just stuck around for her 10 seconds of fame. she’s a sad, sad, sad woman. ALSO HER FORCED BABY VOICE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT MADE ME CRINGE SO MUCH LIKE SHUT UP like did y’all notice that by the end of the show, her voice went way deeper LMAOOO

mark is so sweet and so patient and so loyal but i agree like he related everything to his mom and it was a TAD creepy and he keeps saying such chliche things but he means well

i genuinely did not think amber and barnett would actually end up getting married ??? but they did ??? do i see them lasting in the long run though?? lol nope !!! honestly i wouldn’t wanna marry amber like i’m sorry but her grilling him and making him choose a side between her and his family was just plain uncomfortable to see. she’s so aggressive and all over barnett and i was just like ‘girl STOP. respect yourself please. jesus’

barnett was a total fuckboy at first which i understood because he’s the best looking guy in the show and he is pretty funny and he knows all that but i appreciate that he didn’t do anything even when messica was drunkenly draping herself all over him

damian is a SCARY dude okay i don’t think he’s attractive at all and i just............ he seems like he’d be a really controlling boyfriend/husband like he wants things to go his way and when it doesn’t, he like tries to invalidate the other person’s feelings. i wish he had been paired up with someone a bit more emotionally mature so we can see if that’s actually who he is or if it’s a just reaction to someone as childish as giannina but oh well

giannina is honestly so emotionally immature, so hot and cold, and when she feels an argument isn’t going her way, she runs away. she is also very hypocritical at times like with getting angry at damian for looking at his phone when she does the same thing. i liked her at first, and i appreciate her honesty and her realness, but she doesn’t need a boyfriend. she needs a sugar daddy. she’s honestly a brat and by the time the show was over, i was done with her. what happened with her at the altar was embarrassing af though and i do feel for her and she’s pretty af but.................... it’s a no from me dawg

#therefore i conclude #this show is messy af and i love reality tv but this was so cringey #still watched it tho but i'm relieved it's OVER save for the reunion episode which i'm actually excited to see tbh #love is blind #love is blind netflix #hush elle #love is blind spoilers

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noradarhkpalmer · 5 years

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when it rains, it pours

Title: when it rains, it pours

Rating: T

Pairing: Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer aka Darhkatom

Warnings: none

Summary/Notes:

The Legends stopped being Legends 18 months ago. That left everyone to either resume or find civilian lives. For Nora Darhk, figuring out civilian life has been more than difficult. And that's how she ends up on Ray Palmer's doorstep in the pouring rain asking for a place to crash for the night. Only she gets something more. Something she's always wanted.

There will be an epilogue posted sometime tomorrow!

As per usual I blame these following hooligans: @princesstomaz, @timetravelingpalmer, @superstitious19, @jakelovesamy, @truelittleblackstar, and @iaintnosidekick.

ao3 link: here

The small awning above his front door was the only shelter that had been provided for her for the past four blocks. She had seen lights on and rang the doorbell a few times but no answer. And of all the things she was worried about, Ray just not being home wasn't one of them. She had fully expected to come all this way from the shelter to find a woman answering the door. She’d ask to see Ray and then Nora would zero in on the rock on the woman’s finger. She wouldn’t be the least bit surprised in the year and a half since she had seen Ray Palmer that he would have found someone and settled down. Just like he had always wanted.

They’d sit across from each other on his bed eating some healthy meal he had prepared, talking about life and what it would look like if they ever stopped being Legends. She wanted to subtly, not so subtly hint that any time she thought about life after the Legends, she always pictured him by her side. But she always chickened out when it came to verbalizing that.

The day they stopped being Legends came a lot sooner than any one of them ever thought. They had literally been to hell and back together as a team but that didn’t mean their story was over. But one bad temporal storm put the Waverider out of commission indefinitely, and then permanently when the Time Bureau was absorbed into governmental agencies, both secret and public.

Before being completely dissolved Nora and a few others (Zari and Charlie) had been given modern day identification papers, that way no one would question any of them if they needed to get a job or a place to live. Given that Darhk was a pretty distinct last name, all of her papers said Nora Adams, after her mother’s last name. But inside, she was still a Darhk, they couldn’t take that away from her, no matter what silly little papers said. She had gone from wanting to completely get away from the legacy her father left behind, to vehemently preserving her personal history. To hold onto some semblance of identity she had created for herself as Nora Darhk after no longer being a demon vessel.

She rung the doorbell a fourth time and finally the door opened. Her breath left her. He hadn’t changed a bit. His hair was a bit shorter but other than that, he was still her Ray. Well, he’d never technically been hers. No matter how many times she had dreamed he one day would be.

“Nora?” He looked past her into the raging thunderstorm outside. He was hard to hear over the rain and the water draining off the awning. “What are you doing here?”

“Can I crash for the night? I just… I really need a place to stay.”

Within ten minutes she’d changed out of her sopping wet clothes and into a large navy blue shirt with an art festival’s logo on the front and she definitely had noticed the Palmer Tech logo on the back under the sponsors. She’d also been given sweatpants too large for her, they dragged the floor a bit and she had to roll the waistband up a few times but both articles of clothing were dry and that was all that mattered. She used the towel she’d initially dried off with to squeeze the excess water out of her hair. When she returned to Ray’s living room, she saw him stoking the fireplace.

“Thanks for the clothes,” she said quietly.

Ray turned around, almost shocked to see her there, in the flesh, after eighteen months of radio silence. “You would’ve caught a cold staying in the wet ones. I went ahead and put them in the wash so they’ll be clean, I hope that’s okay.”

Nora smiled at his gesture. Always wanting to look out for people. “Totally fine.” She walked further into his living room. “Sorry to barge in like this… I probably scared your family.” She looked towards the stairs where his family had no doubt been instructed to wait while he saw who was the impatient intruder.

Ray shook his head with a sad smiled. “I don’t have a family. I mean I have my mom and my brother and his wife and my nephews but I’m not married.”

“I guess that’s why you gave me your clothes to put on and not your wife’s.”

“Cause I don’t have one.” Ray picked up a mug and offered it to her. She took the calming tea and let the warmth from the mug bloom across her hands and up her arms, right into her cheeks, to mask the fact that she was so incredibly torn by the fact that Ray had not in fact settled down quite in the way she thought.

They sat across from each other on the couch, cross legged, much like they had when they’d sit on his bed and eat dinner on the Waverider. The ghost of the memory caused Nora to shiver and Ray reached for the knitted throw that was on the back of the couch and gently draped it around her.

“So you’ve got a house in the suburbs of Star City but no Christmas card Palmer family inside it?”

“I don’t live totally alone.” Ray whistled and Nora heard a thumping from above her, she looked up at the sound of the noise which quickly traveled over to the stairs until the pitter patter of paws barreled down the stairs and over to her, nearly knocking her tea out of her hand.

“Whoa boy, let’s not scare our friend here.” Ray gently tugged the large goldendoodle over to him and scratched him between his ears. “Nora, meet Chewbacca, or I usually just call him Chewie.”

Nora smiled and hesitantly reached out to pet the pooch between his ears. He leaned into the pet and smiled up at Nora. “Hey boy… you’re as hyper and friendly as your dad I see.”

“I got Chewie about six months after I moved here. It was lonely without well an extra eight people constantly stomping around. Chewie can sometimes make about that much noise so, it’s a welcome comfort.”

“At least you don’t have to share a bathroom with him.” She smirked and took a sip of her tea.

Ray chuckled. “Yeah, that’s definitely the biggest benefit to living off the Waverider.”

“For some.” Nora looked down at her mug and watched the steam swirl in the cup.

Ray placed a hand on her arm. “Is everything okay?”

“Do you want the long answer or the short one?” She looked up at him, she had learned long ago how to open up to him but a lot could change in 18 months, and if he didn't want to hear all of it anymore, she'd understand.

“Long, if you need to get it all out, Nora, do it. I’m here.” Ray rubbed her bicep comfortingly.

“The Bureau, before they were dissolved, set me up with basically any type of I.D. I’d ever need which is good and it no longer says I was born in 2003 on my driver’s license and they also gave me money to get started because they knew not all of us had lives to just resume. Me and Charlie and Zari all had an apartment on the south side of Star City but they got married and I had to find a place and because it was down to just me and I didn’t trust anyone else to live with, the money ran out. I can’t exactly put ‘demon vessel’ on a resume and I don’t really have the best temperament so working somewhere in like a retail environment… let’s just say it would be worse than Sara’s stint at “Shower, Sink, and Stuff”. I’ve been hopping from homeless shelter to homeless shelter for the past four months.”

Ray paled. “Nora… why didn’t you come find me at Palmer Tech? I would’ve given you a job. Even a job in mailroom would put a roof over your head. I make sure every one of my employees can provide for themselves.”

“I don’t really have the skills to warrant working at a tech company. I can hack computers but I really don’t think you want that.” Nora shook her head. “Besides, I don’t want a hand out. I can take care of myself.”

“Can you? I don’t mean that to say you’re an invalid but I think sometimes, part of taking care of ourselves is knowing when to ask for help. If you don’t have anywhere to go, you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want.”

“It’s a big enough house.” She chuckled.

“My hopes and dreams were a bit ambitious when I first left the Waverider. Picking back up at Palmer Tech wasn’t really all that hard. But my family still doesn’t really talk to me and Team Arrow is more than capable to continue doing the superhero thing without me and honestly? Seeing Felicity and Oliver and their growing family would've just been too hard.”

“Because you wanted that.”

“Maybe I wanted it with Felicity for a very short time but she was honestly such a blip in my love life. I’ve kind of given up on thinking someone would want me for the long haul, ya know?”

Nora placed her hand over his. “Don’t give up hope. The person that deserves Ray Palmer needs to have solved world hunger or something. She’s out there, Ray, I promise.”

Ray took in a deep breath, looking like he was gearing up to say something a few different times, but losing his nerve. He finally looked down at their hands, and tangled their fingers together.

“I know our lives are going in two different directions but… I feel like… you should know… I had feelings for you at one point. But I never wanted to pressure you into something you didn’t feel. You’ve had enough of your choices taken away and I…”

“I had feelings for you too.” Nora swallowed hard. She wanted to tell him how she still did. But his had probably faded, and like him, she didn’t want to force him into something he didn’t feel.

“You did?”

Nora nodded. “But I was saving you the heartbreak of having to deal with someone so broken. I’m not exactly the easiest to get along with.”

“I always felt so much more at ease talking to you than I did any of the other Legends.”

“That’s cause I was your little pet project. Operation Turn Her Good.”

“That’s not why. And you weren’t my pet project, you were my friend. You are my friend, Nora.”

“And being with me would just be holding you back… I’m just old broken baggage, Ray.”

“You’re not… Nora you’re… I didn’t…”

“You should be having this full life, Ray. I know that looks different for everyone but you told me so many times what that would look like for you.”

“But when I stopped being a Legend, yes I did want to settle down and have a family but the person that I pictured all that with? I didn’t see her anymore so I just didn’t even try to find it with someone else.”

“Doesn’t mean you want me now. Or should for that matter.” Nora sat her mug on the coffee table and stood up. “I’ll umm…” She scratched her head. “I’ll come back for my clothes tomorrow… I’ll find a laundromat to wash these in or something… I’m sorry, I should go.” Nora made her way to the door and was nearly reaching for the doorknob when she felt a hand tug her back. Ready to fight Ray (verbally) to get him to give up, realize she wasn’t worth it, she turned around, and was instead met with his lips.

And her resolve to fight him completely shattered.

Nora wrapped her arms around his neck and he picked her up to kiss her better. Nora wrapped her legs around his waist and soon Nora felt her back press against the front door. She felt the vibrations of the storm raging outside against her back and it only fueled her need to keep herself as glued to Ray Palmer’s body as possible.

Ray pulled back briefly for air. “I do want you now. You’re the only person I want this life with.” He pressed their foreheads together.

“I want you too.” She pulled back a little to look his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ray kissed her again, moving them from the door, to up the stairs, and up to Ray’s bedroom.

xxxx

Nora wasn’t sure where she was. Whatever mattress she was laying on was far more comfortable than any she’d slept on since the Waverider. Nora went to bury her face into the pillow but was met by the warm bare chest of Ray Palmer. Nora looked up and finally realized where she was.

She looked down at their state and smiled. She curled into him further and he tightened his arms around her. Nora rested her head on his chest, letting his heartbeat fill her ear. Soon she felt fingers trace up and down her bare spine and she looked back up at Ray to see that he was indeed awake.

“Mornin’ handsome.” Nora grinned and leaned in to kiss him softly.

“Good morning.” He smiled.

“Did last night really happen?”

“You tell me.” He tugged the sheet down slightly to expose them to the cool air.

Nora gasped in feigned offense and dragged the covers back up over them. She moved off him, she'd been half laying on his body, and instead curled up next to him on her own side of the bed, facing him.

Ray ran a hand up and down her arm. “How are you?”

“I’m laying in bed with a man I harbored feelings for, for nearly two years, and he loves me back. I feel pretty amazing.” She grinned goofily and buried her face in her hands out of embarrassment.

“That man is taking you in as well.”

“Ray…”

“If you don’t want to live here, not sure why, all the beds are this comfortable.” He made her grin at his comment. “Then at least let me find you a job at Palmer Tech so you can get your own place.”

“Not going to just buy me an apartment?”

Ray chuckled. “I can if you want me to.” He grinned.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” She poked him in the chest. “But you know what… I think I would like to stay here. Right here. In this bed.”

“Really?” Ray swallowed hard, inferring her more than just joking implications.

“Really.” Nora pulled him in for a kiss. “I wanna stay here forever with you.” She pressed their foreheads together. “And I don’t want to waste any more time.”

#darhkatom #ray palmer #nora darhk #fanfic #mine #idk why this came to me #but here it is

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bluerosesburnblue · 6 years

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Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter 4

Seems like I was right. Time for a short one with Chapter 4: He Who Would Change the World. Two liveblogs in one day? Pretty good, considering the extreme gap between past ones

Why on earth did we take Lotus and Sakura with us to dock on the Skyhold? Lotus has a son! Sakura is really just our kindly bath mom! They shouldn’t be coming with us to the gate between dimensions!

They’re not coming into Skyhold with us, but the Rubadub’s still attached! If the Skyhold goes down, you two do, too! I don’t want to risk the lives of our boat mom and airship dad!

Skyhold has an actual name, Diamante. And it’s gorgeous. Like a palace of blue diamonds

Kaiser, Anne, and Janne are already aware we’re here. Subtle, this party ain’t

“I really want to see my dead - No... I really want to see my living parents.” Janne, hey, maybe instead of changing the past you could... get therapy? How far back are you guys gonna go to change things? One change effects many things. Is the Kaiser’s change gonna eradicate Janne’s family, thus invalidating Janne’s whole quest? Does anyone know how causality works in this empire?

Kaiser, at the very least, seems willing to save Janne’s parents should Janne be unable to

My guide says there’s a summon this chapter and it ain’t on the Skyhold, so we’re just gonna jump off the side and spit in the face of Gho Gettar’s dreams by snagging Amaterasu. Worst. Timeline. WORST! TIMELINE!

I have no idea how anyone is intended to find this spot in the far northeast of Eternia, and then also figure out that the cutscene only triggers if you slam your face into a very specific cliff

This poor Anchorite really got the short end of the stick. The other guys get to hang out in buildings, but they stuck this guy on a remote island in a freezing blizzard. The order he belongs to must really hate him

Oh I just realized I have Tiz as an Exorcist. This battle against a healer is gonna go GREAT now that I can just... undo those

Oh yeah, Exorcist was the real MVP job of that fight

My party is gonna waltz onto the deck of the Skyhold covered in blood and wielding the goddess of light and no one can stop us

We’ve found Agnès’s cell, but she doesn’t seem to be in it

BUT MAGNOLIA’S POSSESSED. Of all people, why did it have to be the one who can summon?

She’s acting like a bratty five-year-old. Is there a child ghost here? I’ve watched a lot of ghost hunting shows, can I appease you with a toy or something?

“I’ll make you pay for what you did to my daddy!” Well, the only dad Edea’s murdered this game is Geist, so I guess you’re Rev, then

If we killed him, then he should also be a ghost and therefore able to see his ghost child, though, right? Like, just pass on kiddo. Your dad’s waiting

Yeah, Revenant Grace. Fittingly, both father and son are named after types of Ghosts/Undead. Which begs the question of what Geist’s parents were thinking when they named him, and why he felt the need to give his son a name with heavy “return from the dead” connotations

I don’t think the Princess Bride reference was really necessary. “My name is Revenant Grace. You killed my daddy. Prepare to die!” just... doesn’t have the same kick to it

Okay, Rev’s possessed armor is really cool. And apparently, he died and Geist pulled a Fullmetal Alchemist and bound his soul to the armor. So there’s that

Edea’s trying to tell Rev that Geist was going to kill a kid just like him... but Rev’s, like, five, he’s not listening. He’s literally yelling “LA LA LA NO HE DIDN’T”

Geist went away on a trip, and some monster lurked on the boat that came back, where Rev was waiting. It killed him

I’m so glad I read about the trick to this fight, because it’s almost poetic. You set someone to Geist’s Exorcist asterisk. Let Rev posses one of his teammates, which sets his own HP to zero. Then it’s just a matter of attacking that teammate to kick Rev out of possessing them and back into his own body, then Undo HP to the last turn, where Rev’s body had 0 HP, thus killing him instantly using his father’s abilities

Also, we Exorcised a ghost. That’s neat, too

Rev’s monologue says that Geist was happier after he was revived and then he mimicked Geist’s psychotic laughter. I think the poor kid misread the situation. Geist broke when he lost his son, and if his last words were any indication, he regretted bringing Rev back

Edea just passed on those words. Rev’s grateful. He’s not a bad kid, just scared and stuck in a bad situation

Time to pass on and see your daddy, kiddo. He’s waiting

Yew’s entry in the journal states that the last name, Grace, is given to Orthodoxy saints and others who did extraordinary service to them. So Geist was either a holy man, or the descendant of one

And since it seems everyone in the Kaiser’s inner circle wants to “undo” something, I believe that Geist must have joined up to undo either binding Rev’s soul, or Rev’s death entirely

Agnès wasn’t there, so on to the next location

I’m almost baffled by how few named characters have died in this game so far, considering last game killed A LOT of people, to make the “redo” aspect feel fulfilling, and then pull the wind out of your sails when you realize that you didn’t redo anything. They stayed dead. (And then this game undid all those deaths because they were beloved characters who got a lot of development postmortem)

For FUCK’S sake, Janne, get lost! And especially don’t attack me mid-dungeon!

Janne “I Refuse to Die Until Yew Geneolgia, Specifically, Kills Me” Angard, is back for YET ANOTHER round

Oh god he’s Kylo Ren. “I was on this big revenge kick, so I befriended you to kill you! But then I liked you and that made me mad so now I’m going to kill you because I’m a child who can’t figure out my emotions!”

I’m... not that big a fan of Janne. He just comes off as a bratty teenager that they keep trying to make sympathetic, but he never stops being an ass about literally everything

“You were a true friend.” Yew, he really, REALLY was not

Rev works for me, because even though he acts like a brat, he’s acting as a reaction to his father’s death. Once you calm him down, the kid’s perfectly civil, and even thanks the party for passing along his dad’s last words. And that’s some stunning maturity for a kid

Janne, on the other hand, is older and should know better. But instead he lashes out, constantly brags that he’s the best, and even in the last fight he’s being petty. He thinks he can get away with betraying his friends, but as long as he tell them “Hey, good shot” as he’s dying, then he’s absolved. Janne has done a lot of REALLY AWFUL things. He has no intention of atoning because he can’t see past himself and what he wants out of this: his parents back. Rev’s a brat because he doesn’t know better. Janne’s a brat because he’s conceited and wants to delude himself into being superior

I’m gonna rip the Kaiser’s sword right out of his dumb metal hand

Yew is legitimately anticipating death. And blames himself for not stopping the Kaiser when he came to kidnap Agnès. That’s Yew’s undo moment. And I know for a fact we’re gonna make. That. Happen.

Edea’s pep talk about trying again and succeeding now that you’re stronger and wiser is something I think a lot of people need to hear. If you mess up, you shape up and do better

Wait, “Bravely Second” is an in-game term for something other than the hourglass? It’s moon for “the courage to try again.”

So the title of the game is, more accurately “The Courage to Try Again: A World With No Future”

Ooop. Just kinda slid into the Holy Pillar there. Okay

Kaiser’s robo-arm must be pretty tough if he can carry Agnès with it like that

I can’t believe I get to watch Leonardo the Ninja Turtle kick the ass of Leonardo the Ninja Turtle

Dude, stop saying the word “deny.” It’s gotten to be at least once a scene, we know. You deny, you deny, you deny, maybe accept that I’m gonna kick your ass?

Where the hell do you get the idea that only those who know sin can change the world, so you became a literal evil emperor to become a big enough asshole to fix time. Where... the hell do you get that idea? Was it Anne?

Wow. We just LET him do that. Nobody made a move while he went back in time with Agnès

...did Anne just imply that we sent the moon to another dimension?

Oh, no. She just sent the moon to another dimension. And Magnolia’s trying to call her people, but the moon just ain’t there

And here’s the scene I know about. The big reveal that, yes, Anne is Airy’s sister, she knows about you, the player, and now she’s gonna repeat her scene from the start of Default just to make sure you know that you. Messed. Up. You helped her stop Airy, and now she was able to do this. Aren’t you proud, player? You’ve done everything she asked

This boss music is amazing. A combo of Spanish guitar and Wailing guitar? Hell yes

And the butterfly battle background is gorgeous, even if it’s greyscale thanks to the moon’s disappearance

Well, shit. Anne’s hard. Attack one of her fake copies and she’ll basically insta-kill you. Group attacks are not recommended. They’re what keeps killing me

Not bad once you start playing more defensively. Resurrection Mist was a pretty decent idea for that fight with the way Anne can one-shot part members, but Magnolia’s Promethian Fire Arrow was the real damage MVP

Time to escape to the flying bath boat

I just glanced at the bestiary and Anne doesn’t have an entry. Also, it looks like all entries are locked, because the completion markers are faded. I think we’ve hit the end layer

Oh that’s nuts. It looks like time is frozen. All of the flames around the Skyhold stopped moving

“I know the feeling of losing your home” Actually, that raises a good point, Tiz. Are we ever gonna stop by Caldisla or is that just not relevant, since there’s no crystals there

A world without time. A world that both has no end and is the end. The final layer of all reality. The end layer

The Moon “created night from day.” As in, the Moon controlled time, much as the Crystals controlled the elements. Without it, there’s nothing left flowing or moving

This isn’t the first game with a Frozen Future apocalypse that I’ve played. Let’s see how this one stacks up against Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers. A leaf gecko hasn’t come to kick our asses, so it can’t be that bad yet

Ohhhhh shit I just got chills. Tiz said that we never got to fight the Kaiser once, and Yew realized something. He turned to the camera and said “If you’re out there, watching over us... hear my plea.” Yeah, buddy, I can hear you. “Not once?” I remember one time we got him on the battle screen. Just once

(I used up all my SP in the Anne fight, I hope that won’t be a problem)

Tutorial says that Altair has disappeared, so we can’t add entries to the bestiary. Is... the party not capable of writing without Ghost Dad? Did he steal our literacy or something?

It recommended talking to people, but also New Game+. Let’s see this timeless world, then make sure it never happens again

Not much different in Ancheim. Some worried citizens, a child who’s excited that they can play forever because it’s always day, a mom who wonders if she has to cook dinner now, and a man who’s acting like there’s always been no movement to the clock or sails

Al-Khampis seems to be a mix of panic and contemplating the scientific repercussions of this new world-state. One interesting tidbit is that one scientist detected an anomaly traveling through time, but not to the past. If it WAS the Kaiser, then he went 200 years into the future, instead. Rifa gave us similar dialogue to end layer guy in Sagitta, and then a message appeared saying I unlocked New Game+, so maybe it doesn’t unlock unless you talk to people

Florem is... Florem. Girls wondering if this means there’s not gonna be another festival, but at least the flowers don’t wilt. I can’t help but notice “Alternis” isn’t here anymore. The real interesting thing is Sylvie and the Matriarch

Sylvie: “...Miss Edea. ...So many tears, so many cries you will come to know from now on. So much evil... So much blood... But even so... Even so, that great ship will take to the sky once more...! To the world, bound in the sky, where Lady Agnès is held...!” I suspect we’re going to have to hunt down the Kaiser using the Buster Ship

Matriarch: “Sylvie would like me to tell you this... ...Edea Lee. ...A time is coming for you to come to a decision, no matter how difficult it may seem. You must tell your friends, then you must lie to the people, deceive the world, make yourself out as a tyrant in word and deed... Let yourself be attacked and blamed. Go after the friends you have lost. Take that glimmering ship to the sky once more! And that world, bound in the sky... Well, I’m afraid that this old lady has no idea about that.” Is this what the Kaiser was told? The sin he mentioned? To change the world, operate the shining Skyhold, he had to become the tyrant. And now it seems Edea will have to make the same decision

Though given her decision making track record in the sidequests... boy, she may already be a tyrant. We’re gonna fix that this time. Speaking of, there’s some people from the sidequests who reference a few of them hanging around, though I can’t say any of them won with a frozen future

Every person in Sagitta is just stuck repeating “Bravely Second... The courage to try again...” over and over, except for the guy who first introduces you to the end layer, who notes that this must be it, and the elder, who unlocks New Game+ just like Rifa did when I spoke to her

Gathelatio’s full of people screaming about the end times and divine retribution, and kids who hear all of this going “Are we gonna die?” And ominous cats

That... one Crystalguard guy whose name I can’t remember screams at us for not stopping the Kaiser, then apologizes and unlock New Game+. Hey, jackass. Do you want to go into the pillar of light and get one-shot by a fairy? No? Back off. I’m gonna fix it once I hit up the last few towns

Eternia has... a goat. Has that goat always been there? Well he didn’t break the moon. Just eats paper. Mm-hmm. And more worried citizens, a doomsayer, and one brilliant mind who wants to solve the moon problem using the white magic cables

I guess those taxes don’t matter now, do they, Grandship? Otherwise, not much here. An old lady who doesn’t care because she’ll die soon anyway, a guy who’s getting drunk for the apocalypse, and a kid who’s wondering where Alternis went

Yunohana’s pretty basic. Ominas is there trying to get Bahamut to fight off a Ba’al, but the little guy doesn’t look so good. The Lord of Bath tells us we have enough to uncover our feelings and unlocks New Game+ yet again

Maybe picking Ominas for the bad future was a good idea. Femto Flare could deal with the Ba’al outbreak that everyone’s talking about but I have yet to see

Visited the girl and her grandpa from the Eisen quest. Holly’s there trying to protect them, but she’s not enough and can’t find Barras (oops?) and the grandpa wishes he’d just sold the house so his granddaughter could’ve had a little luxury before the world ended

Goodman and his crew are holding down Eisen Bridge, but his soldiers back in Hartschild aren’t so confident. The people just want him home

I also checked on Sakura and Lotus. Sakura just warns us not to stay in the bath for too long now that there’s no time to keep track of, and Lotus is concerned at the appearance of Ba’al. Everyone keeps mentioning Ba’als, and I’m scared to turn encounters back on just in case they may be roaming

I also don’t think I ever mentioned it, but since the start of the game there’s been one person in each town who sings a different verse of the Tale of Sétana. They have to be important, but I suspect it’s relevant to the Yōkai quest, since it’s the only non-cameo-fight quest I’m aware of

*Edit after the Fact* I’m an idiot who can’t read. It’s Sétanta, as in the original name of the Irish mythological figure, Cú Chulainn. As in, the guy from the Prologue. The songs are his backstory. Setana is an area in Hokkaido, Japan. I knew that, I just can’t read, I guess. Wouldn’t be the first time I did something like this (like misreading the Harry Potter spell “Rictusempra” as “Rictumsempra” until I heard it said aloud while watching someone’s playthrough of the Order of the Phoenix game)

YEAH I TURNED ENCOUNTERS BACK ON AND THERE’S JUST BA’AL WANDERING AROUND AS RANDOM ENEMIES. Heyyyy, Urchin! Been... been a while?

Okay, the “next plot event” marker was on the “To Title” entry on the menu so I’m just gonna... gonna return to the menu. No point fighting Urchin if Altair won’t write a bestiary entry on it

Welcome to Bravely Second: Send Player. No more of this “End Layer” nonsense. I’m here, and I’m gonna help these kids take back their future

Back to the beginning. The fight where nothing seemed to work, but this time, I can help. Let’s get the team back together and RIP. THAT. SWORD. OUT. OF. HIS. DUMB. METAL. HAND!

Well, future Yew just kinda possessed his own body, and a good thing, too, because I don’t think past Yew even knew why he used the Bravely Second in the first place

“You, who would deny the past and present have no right to shape the future.” HE SURE DOESN’T, KIDDO. RIP HIM APART

“The future will be forged by those who accept the world they live in, and still fight for change!” I love Yew, and I’m so glad that I’m his extradimensional patron, in a meta sense

The chapter has ended. No cryptic monologues, no “Great Distance”. Just us, the Kaiser, and our Coup de Gravy!

#bravely default #bravely second #liz liveblogs bravely second

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