#doesnt know what ive done either and cannot say

[swampgallows]

.

so i did get a new therapist, but i got another woman who is probably my age or younger and doesnt really command the authority i am looking for. she seemed put off by me and gave an aside about my intelligence which is generally a red flag for me. im not here to be fucking smart, im here to get help. either rise to the occasion and meet me where im at or pass me off to someone who can.

anyway. i am looking into more books and trying to help myself the best i can. i am confronting a lot of humiliating realizations about my worst self, the kind of person that i have been, the kind of person i want to be, and my ultimately self-imposed lack of future.

i am making assessments about myself. it is hard to do this work on my own because some of it concerns others' perceptions of me. chiefly, i have held the "mediator" role in my family and the majority of my relationships for most of my life, and to this day i am usually the person who will sit with someone for hours listening to them and trying to offer advice or the very least encouragement. hours and hours late into the nights, be it AIM, skype, facebook, discord. talking people out of suicide, talking them through basic conflict resolution, and so on.

im talking about over like the last 25 years, so obviously this is not pointedly about anyone in my life currently. im also aware that a lot of this is codependent behavior, and people wiling to be so vulnerable with me did not always mean they trusted me in particular more than it indicated their lack of boundaries—they would tell anyone who would listen. this has also gotten me hurt in the past.

i used to pride myself on my intuition, on predicting people's behavior, on going out of my way to reach out to someone when they were immaturely communicating that they "didn't" want to be contacted (going "offline" invisible] and watching everyone freak out about their welfare; "someone follow me, i'm distressed!"). as a teen i had both been a witness to violence and a safeguard against it for many of my emotionally unstable friends, so i ALWAYS listened, because 'what if this is the time they Really do it?'

now the reciprocal is that because i was always there to spend exhaustive infinite time on these difficult conversations, i didnt expect that it was an unreasonable request of others. this is codependent also, and in some cases it resulted in resentment from me to constantly take the baggage but never get to unload my own. or, i felt i was being selfish for wanting anyone to listen at all. i know at times ive complained that "i cant talk to anyone about this" despite having done so many times to my friends; subconsciously, i think my real complaint was "i just want someone to solve this for me".

anyway. all of this preamble is to say i think i have swung the pendulum in the other direction: i have completely closed myself off emotionally from other people, from trying to figure out how they feel to anticipating their needs, unless it is directly communicated to me. this is not a reasonable expectation of others, but the way i feel is like my circuits are fried. like ive had my antennae out so long to pick up on everyone else that they became a lightning rod and got electrocuted.

and because i feel so tired, and so wounded, after a lifetime of doing this and recently getting quite fucking burned, i think i have exhausted my support networks.

but the rub is: they will not tell me. and because they will not directly tell me, because i only find out after the fact that they've all been "walking on eggshells" around me instead of just confronting me and telling me directly, i am even more stressed out because i know there is a problem, but i cannot tell what it is. if i were a better friend, who cared, i would have been able to intuit the problem of me exhausting my friends, but i am exhausted, so i dont pick up on it, and so it snowballs. so im in the camp of "i cannot solve a problem if i do not know what it is", and everyone else is saying "the fact that you do not know what the problem is, is the problem exactly" and more and more and more distance is created, and i further spiral asking directly TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG SO I CAN FIX IT and get dodged questions or radio silence.

so. it feels like both outcomes are the same. if i ask to know what it is, i will not be told. i will get half answers, lies by omission, and ghosting. if i only know that i am the problem then i will distance myself, as it is the only way i can functionally not have the person have to walk on eggshells, but then the issue isnt solved.

overall the issue is just. me. overall. thats all i can take away from it.

i know it's going to take a lot of work on my part to get to a point where i can repair those 'feelers'. but i think it's going to cause me more longterm damage in the time theyre out of commission because i seriously feel like i cannot carry anyone else's shit but my own right now. thats going to make life harder for me and people around me because i cant. ...and because i dont want to. im sick of it. im spent. i feel this... righteous indignation and selfishness after decades of shouldering everyone else's shit on top of my own only to be cast aside. so its going to be the work on THAT malady before i can get repair that broken tool. thats why i wish i could just throw myself into work and build up my confidence and be contributing in that way while keeping emotional stuff light and detached via professionalism. but work has been very slow, and time is running out for me to find a second (or new) job.

im in the process of trying to be better. and mortifyingly i am also in the process of really, really internalizing that it's ultimately not anybody else's job to tell me what my problem is. not even a therapist's, apparently. i feel like ive spent my entire life barely keeping my head above water, and the people i trusted most to pull me out just said 'you can do it, youre smart enough'. i cant gauge how deep the water is because im in it, been in it, and i just feel so humiliated that nobody has been willing to tell me whether or not this whole time ive been writhing in a kiddie pool.

[moonssalad]

Am I the only one who is disgusted by seeing how many people actually seriously excuse Rhysands fucked up actions?

I have seen so, SO many people talking about how he hid the truth about Feyres pregnancy from her and always excuse it by saying how he didnt want to stress her out 💀. Or that he was looking for a way to save them before he told her, like he shouldve told her right away. And how he told the IC about it before he even told Feyre and told them to keep their mouths shut too and even worse is that they fucking listened to him, like what the fuck?? And how always in discussions about only Rhysand keeping it from Feyre people always start talking about how Madja didnt tell her either, like dude this is a conversation about what an asshole Rhysand is and not about Madja, keep to the topic! And how people hate on Nesta for telling her, like fucking hell. Ive even seen people say that Rhysand not telling her is AS BAD as Nesta telling her to hurt her or whatever. Its just insane, I think I lose braincells every single time I see posts like those 🤯. Feyre literally says throughout the books multiple times how she hates when people choose for her or dont tell her something because they think it would be too much for her and Rhysand literally keeps one of the most important things from Feyre.

Also what the hell was that bullshit about Amren saying how Rhysand should be High King? Hes literally one of the worst options for it. Bro cant even handle 2/3 of his court 💀. And lets so many people suffer in Illyria and Hewn City even though he has had CENTURIES to change something. Honestly none of the IC even try to change something about the Hewn City, like are you seriously telling me that Mor was the only person who was good in that shithole? Whats even more insane is how Mor doesnt change anything about it when she had LIVED THERE for years and now has the power to do it! And Illyria, Cassian seems to be the only one who is actually trying to make it better even though its not really working. Why the hell cant healers heal wings but can heal someone whos guts are basically spilling out?? Hell why the hell doesnt anyone know about c-section? Just insane. What the hell does Rhysand even do for his court? Just sits on his ass and thinks only about Velaris? Because it seems like that.

And am I the only one who was mad how Rhysand chose to show off Feyre as if she was his plaything in the Hewn City. Like yeah yeah keeping up appearances or whatever but how the hell will they see Feyre seriously after that? I think Feyre was in the Hewn City two times and the second was when she was High Lady and Rhysand got her to sit on the throne after the first time he showed her off as his toy. You cannot convince me that the Hewn City residents take Feyre seriously and its all Rhysands fault.

Talking about keeping appearances, the whole 'mask' thing is so stupid. When someone doubts the IC intentions they have the fucking audacity to be mad about it as if they arent the ones who made sure eveyone thought they were all incredibly evil.

I dont even want to start talking about UTM and how fucked up it was.

People always say that he does things like these because he is 'morally grey' but to me hes just a toxic asshole. You dont write a 'morally grey' character and then excuse every fucked up thing he has done, its just not how it works.

Rhysand is literally the worst MMC ever and its insane how so many people say how wonderful he is, how he is the man of their dreams 💀, fucking worried about yall if you seriously think that.

Feyre should take Nesta, Elain and Nyx and get the fuck out of there because they all deserve so much better than this.

[ivanisdying]

ranting (blitz&stolas relationship)

(ive been very inactive i apologise..)

i cannot fathom how angrynthe whole blitz n stolas thing is making me.. ppl hating on both sides but they r both in the wrong??? stolas saying hes never looked down on him when he HAS. has bro forgot the entirity of season 1?? stolas constantly called him his 'little imp' or his 'little plaything', and never really took him seriously. blitz could see that as mocking. but even then stolas's nickname for blitz is blitzy and he uses it infront of striker implying its a petname not that hes mocking blitz. in the first pilot ep he says along thw lines u do ur job and ill do mine. the whole deal was that in order for blitz to keep using the book was for him to have sex w stolas. so idk... another thing about the book. i think it was his only excuse to keep seeing stolas which is why he begged and begged for it. saying he NEEDS the book. he was about to apologise and you CAN HEAR IT "stolas, wait, im s-" AND THEN HE GETS TELEPORTED OUT... YOU COULD SEE HIM REACHING FOR HIS ROBE.. the fact their argument was where the crystal thing was and its when everything started. . . in an episode when stolas is laying down in the bed and blitz is crawling over to him he eyes the book as its the reason why he was doing it. in apology tour he pushes the book out of the way and is only looking at stolas !>!@>?!?!!@?! he doesnt care ab the book he cares ab STOLAS they both said what they needed to say but i dont think either of them fully took it in. stolas shpuldve let blitz talk but HE DIDNT.. in apology tour you can see his expression change whenever he looks at stolas and it BREAKS ME. and blitz apologises to verosika i think she actually forgave him. instead of calling him blitz-O she just calls him blitz which might imply a friendship or acquaintance in the future.. she gave him cake and left n i think she realised blitz is his own biggest hater. iv3 kinned blitz since the beginning tho i rlly liked moxxie.. silly guy stolas has complete right to be mad at blitz because he cant keep giving himself to someone who wont hear him out. but i beleive when blitz realises he loves him itll be too late. "im not in love w u anymore" "i didnt know u ever were" GHJRHFJDHFJH when blitz got jealous over stolas making out w another guy.. jealousy = feelings

blitz is harder to understand and sympathise for because he lashes out and gets upset by anger. it def has to do with his self hatred. notice how when stolas mentions anything about him leaving blitz splits and starts freaking out. he def has abandoment issues or bpd.. i think him n verosika is a reason why hes too scared to actually commit to another relationship.

they NEED to short shit out and have a gen talk or their situationship will go nowhere. it pains me knowing how bad they both struggle. in apology tour when blitz starts looking at him with a guilty look he sees stolas as his depressed and alcoholic self. and even when the guy asked to dance HE STILL LOOKED AT BLITZ FOR APPROVAL. i dont get why ppl hate on stolas for making out w a guy drunk when blitz did the same thing?? when they are walking down the hall stolas had covered every family photo except for leaving a space for where octavia was and rhat broke me... blitz doesnt believe anyone could actually love him. let alone a prince. and he says this multiple times but i dont think stolas really hears him. their trope is that stolas fell too early and blitz fell too late owls only fall in love once and he's pinged on him since they were kids LIKE ?!!?!?!? if stolas found out that he was bought to spend the day w him i think he'd distance himself even more. i need blitz to break down in stolas's arms like js something. im beginning to believe blitz does feel remorse for his actions and actually starts to feel bad ab what hes done. ghgghghhg this relationship makes me wanna rip my hair out and scream and roll on the floor (I mightve missed some things but this will conclude my rant)

I SWEAR vizzie is allergic to happiness ....

[subjectivemortality]

Letter 8. January. Winter.

To the Light shining through my window illuminating my coffee, (I'd send you a picture youd like it. But the printer.... you know how they are in offices.)

Today has been one of those days in which the world feels both so very loud and way too silent. Those days when stress or fear or anger or maybe even panic slowly puts their hands around your throat making it hard to breathe. So I write once more to you. I knew I had to when I saw the skies open up letting some light in. It had been snowing for so long that it felt significant that the light finally broke through. So I sat down and grabbed this paper and write these words. Unsure of what to say. I feel like theres always so much unsaid. I wish we were having coffee instead of this piece of paper. Id ask you how your day had been. How the quails are doing. What your plans are. Id ask to see any new work you mightve made or any book that has caught your intrest. Id love to simply hear you talk. You speak with such... joy. Its infectious. For a moment it all feels so normal. As if we're really friends.

But alas. You are not here. You cannot be here. And I cannot be there. I dont think I could look you in the eye. I couldnt even send these other letters. I wonder if that was the last time ill see you. Wouldn't that be bitter sweet yet so fitting? I am what I am and as proven to myself Im better off alone. If only I wasnt so weak for your kindness and hospitality.

I wish I could give you that kindness back. But these hands were not made to hold you. These hands are rough and would drop you if we were to dance. These hands only shed blood. And apperantly write depressing letters. Christ.

I dont know how to tell you that I miss you in a way that wouldn't hurt you. I miss you but I shouldn't speak to you. Itd be cruel of me to tell you, to find contact only to cut it off right after. But god. Maybe I want you to not listen to me. Maybe I want you to call me coward. Maybe I want you to dance with me anyways. That these hands may hold you even if you may fall. I wish you could tell me that itd be okay either way. But I know it doesnt work like that.

This is just wishful thinking. Its as close to prayer I know how to get.

Im sorry belle. For everything. For ever continuing to chat. For all ive said. And for all Ive done. I hope you may have forgiveness for me. I hope that you dont.

[The letter was quickly discarded to the never send pile with the others. The coffee already forgotten for a regular beer.]

@inbetween-beast-and-man

She's in the garden when it reaches her. It does reach her - of course it does. You can't pray to a goddess, even in letter form, and not expect her to feel it. Belle doesn't get very many prayers that are actually directed at her, but even if she had a cacophony of them to contend with she suspects that she'd still be able to pluck his voice out of the mix.

She's in the garden with a book, and the prayer-letter-apology-plea reaches out and settles into her bones, weighs them down with the aching heaviness of his regret before the words even form inside her. If she were better she'd respect his privacy (surely he doesn't Know he's doing this, right? He could just text her. Why would he be doing this? Why would he do this?) and look away. But she's not better, so she looks, and she lets herself ache alongside him, lets herself grieve...something. She's always grieving, there's no escape from it. So that grief gets tucked in alongside all the others. Roots pull up from the earth to brush against her skin, wrap around her where she lays against the ground, soothing a melancholy she doesn't know how to explain. She tangles her fingers in them (the fingers of her good hand- the other just twitches, lets the roots envelope it like the rotting core of a cocoon) and she breathes deep until the connection passes and the ache subsides.

When she went through her apotheosis again, she swore up and down that she wouldn't be the type to ignore anyone who reached out to her through prayer. Even just an acknolwedgement. Even still. It's the only prayer she knows she won't answer.

[proxythe]

You wanna elaborate on Junpei and Shinjiro's dynamic? I've always assumed them to have done some off-screen bonding since Junpei was ready to throw hands at Shinjiro's memorial service.

this i can do. it is a super good point u brought up about junpei snapping during the memorial service. i must be honest and say it’s p3 dancing that made me think of them as close tho. i love how they interact in that game, along w how happy shinji generally seems to be 😭

shinjiro telling him he’s too damn loud is one thing but it’s the tone in which he says it that always gets me. u would think junpei has just immediately caused him a headache and pain and irritation and ruined his entire vibe by being loud one single time. thats sibling realness to me…

havent played p3 in a minute so i feel like im making things up forgive me BUT junpei also thinks shinjiro is a badass methinks ???? sorry i cannot remember. anyways. its true to me regardless. i love the thought of junpei looking up to him in that way.

as for how they would have possibly bonded off screen, i think it’s obvious that junpei is very straightforward and loves to just talk, so i don’t think it would be very hard for him to start casual conversations with shinjiro. i don’t think shinjiro intimidates him either iirc ?? so he’d very easily just yap at him i think. tho i cannot imagine for the life of me what junpei would open with.

just remembered, shinjiro also makes a comment in reload about junpei (“where’d his game go?”) so i think it’s very funny to imagine junpei going to shinji of all people for relationship advice and somehow convincing shinjiro that he knew what the hell he was doing at all (considering he has a girlfriend, i suppose he does know what he’s doing). tho it’s funny, and a bit sweet, that shinji imagines junpei charming enough to have game, and expresses his disappointment when he seems to have lost it LOL

despite the fact that it seems like junpei is definitely someone who would irk shinjiro, i actually think they would get along pretty well. of course it makes sense that shinji would get irritated time to time, that’s just how grumpy he is, i feel like he would actually appreciate junpei and mostly enjoy being around him. ive always liked to picture junpei getting him to play like. fighting games. and junpei gets destroyed every time. shinji is totally very humble about it. hes totally not competitive and totally doesnt care about winning. junpei totally doesnt accuse him of cheating even tho theyre sitting right next to each other and he can see his inputs.

(junpei would say they r brothers from other mothers & shinjiro would act like his whole day is ruined)

[bucketspammer4life]

☆ the boxers at a escape room ☆

did this because i felt bad about not posting, will post a weekly update during the weekend + some art hopefully, ive had this on my shoulders for a while, this is so cringe fail

Build-Up

Okay so i made up lore for this escape room:

It's an abandoned hotel, decorated all fancy, theres old couches, fake rotary phones and a bunch of weird symbols used later in the puzzles.

It's really colorful but the theres barely any lightning because the vibes need to be settled, theres a lot of puzzles, including: puns, math and the weird symbols mentioned

The lore starts as a hotel shutting down after a serial killer takes over & goes on a massacre, theres a time limit of 2 hours, when the time is over the game is done & a dude with a really bad voice effect says "the killer has got you" Before the doors open

When theres only a few minutes left, a buzzing sound effect plays

Theres a lot of "fake" spiderwebs with cryptid texts too so enjoy that

Glass Joe

- struggling with the puzzles, his brain is melting

- "we have to turn on the TV for clues i think"

- "or a baking show"

- "either way im watching"

- hes not taking this seriously, at all

- keeps using a prop phone like its real & talking on it, ended up getting into a argument with the air

- laying down on the decorative couches "draw me like one of your french girls.." style when hes tired

- "we're gonna die, is the killer hot at least?"

Von Kaiser

- complete opposite with Joe, hes taking this seriously, too serious

- "I WILL NOT LET THEY EVIL HOTEL MAN KILL US ALL. NO!"

- acting like the evil hotel man will actually get him

- doing really good with the math puzzles, hes a natural

- dialing 911 on the fake rotary phone

- runmaging through everything, no chair left un-thrown, no couch left un-turned, no drawer left closed

- when the 10 minutes notice ringed in he screamed like a goat

Disco Kid

- Just bored, he got dragged along and doesnt feel like doing anything

- "does the TV have anything interesting on it"

- "Disco we are being chased by a evil serial killer i dont think you should be so calm"

- escape rooms dont have enough charm for him like haunted houses

- doing cartwheels across the room, accidentally knocked over a bookshelf and revealed a clue

- hes already done with this shit, let him out

King Hippo

- doesnt have any idea whats going on, hes just confused

- doesnt know whether to help kaiser or laugh with Joe

- thinks the argument between Joe and the air is real

- hes so lost

- "mom i frew up" pose while watching everyone do the puzzles

Piston Hondo

- calmly trying to do the puzzles

- trying to help kaiser calm down

- laughed at disco toppling over the bookshelf for a solid 20 minutes

- hes SLAYİNG the puzzles

- "Joe did you take your meds?? You're arguing with the air"

- "wait i got too caught up"

- He isnt taking this seriously but isnt fucking around like Joe either, hes doing his best to have fun, not too much fun

Great Tiger

- also messing around with Joe, both of them are hysterically laughing at everything knowing damn well they dont know whats going on + cant solve a puzzle to save their lives

- "whens the baking show coming on??"

- reading the books on the bookshelf disco kid rko'd

- He could be helpful but he refuses to because seeing everyone go batshit is hilarious

- keeps tripping over the carpets

Bear Hugger

- him & hondo are peacefully doing puzzles while everyone else is going apeshit, hes having fun

- re-organized the bookshelf disco kid slammed down on, he knows damn well they dont get paid enough for this bs

- cheering Joe on his fight with the atoms

- cleaning up behind everyone because hes a decent person

Don Flamenco

- very confused, he thinks theyre all stuck in a silly room for nothing, cannot do puzzles & cannot be silly at all

- Just wandering around & looking for clues

- hes concerned, not only for the boxers but the employees

- thinks the decorations look great, taking notes for his room

Aran Ryan

- doing his evil gremlin thing, chucking stuff, sneaking around, rolling on the floor, hes simply thriving

- scaring people for fun

- hysterically laughing at everything because the lightning is shitty & that makes everything funnier for him

- saying the dumbest shit

- got inspired by disco kid wrecking the bookshelf and decided to throw a couch across the room

- laughing at the wall

Soda Popinski

- Really confused along with King hippo

- hes just following everyone around like a sick puppy

- sad that he cant bring his soda but understands because he has spilled soda multiple times on his stuff and suffered the consequences

- awkward shrugging anytime someone asks him whats going on

Bald Bull

- also hysterically laughing with aran, bad lightning with cheap horror music fits too well for him

- him & aran are cackling at kaiser knowing damn well they both need therapy

- Just having fun

- He doesnt give a shit about anything right now, this is one of the only times he can maniacally laugh at thin air and not get stared at

- was the one to convince disco kid to do a cartwheel

Super Macho Man

- pretending to understand whats going on, Just as confused as soda

- Really bored

- not much to say, hes just.. neutral

Mr Sandman

- Really calm & carrying the entire team

- concerned for aran & bull since he was the only one to notice them maniacally cackle at thin air

- suprisingly not ready to punch someone out into orbit

- extremely worried for disco's bones because no one throws a entire bookshelf onto themselves and walks away fine

- brought a camera to get some real gems

- keeps coughing like hes on life support because of the ridiculous amount of dust

Extra

They made it out suprisingly thanks to hondo & sandman (barely)

Don realized he has some problems with his lungs after that trip because holy shit he was fighting for his life

Sandman convinced aran & bull to go to therapist (somehow)

Joe enjoyed taking out his anger out on a cheap fake rotary phone

Disco needed to go to the hospital after the bookshelf incident, no one is letting the fact that he broke his back thanks to a bookshelf go

Piston Hondo & bear hugger do sudoku together now since they realized they both enjoy math puzzles

Great Tiger still laughs about the bookshelf incident at night when trying to sleep

[felipe-v-fanblog]

Hi my friend 👋, How are u? My question is do you know who Fernando VI is? As I remember he is Philip V's son. He had good contributions despite dying tragically. His love story is so sad 😥.

What is a funny moment the royals have done? Any royal will do. 😊

hi , i promised i would be more active yet here i am appearing a month later ... i have been just like fernando vi lately

i do really love fernando vi just like i love all the children felipe v had with both their wives , but fernando vi is a very special case because all the testimonies of his time are very different from eachother. I can totally say he had a mood disorder, as he was described as very kind by some people, and yet he also had very bad temper . i dont believe in the diagnostics spaniard historians give him, i dont know why are they so afraid of understanding their own history from a honest point of view, spaniards will prefer to lie and talk shit about their monarchs before actually setting a debate about why would they need a dynasty in the first place . i dont like people . anyway yes iiii i always think about fernando vi and his wife barbara de braganza . barbara was the younger sister of the prince Jorge ? from Portugal ( i dont know if he was called like that , but we roll - its the one that looks like luis I - which will later marry a daughter of Felipe V , and will later give birth to Maria I de Portugal , whom inherited the bourbon illness - whatever it may be ) . I enjoy Fernando VIs friendship with the infante Don Luis , i enjoy that he was a good older brother to him and I enjoy that Don Luis stayed by his side when he was in his last moments and I enjoy that Don Luis was scared of him but never judged him . don luis was very dumb so i wonder why he was nice to him . maybe don luis was kind of nice . i find him funny . anyway fernando vi and barbara are very cute . i know fernando vi had very good politics which later on Carlos III would continue in the process of enlightnment Its A Shame that Carlos IV was born ( lol ) .

iiiiii i dont feel very funny ..... i feel very much like felipe v laying in the sofa and thinking about dying but eh do you know this moment when mariana de austria came to spain and somebody tried to offer her some shoes and a courtier said that everybody knows the queen doesnt have feet ( as if , they shouldnt think about her legs because it was seen as erotic in that period ) and she started to cry because she thought they would cut her legs off - she didnt knew how to catch a joke in spanish . I cannot do that either i dont catch jokes in spanish <3 . i find that moment funny bc thats me . now that i wrote this it seems a bit too dumb . let me try again . there is this moment when louis xiv was young and he fell in love with whom would be later her first mistress , louise de la valliere , and he asked for his friend which i know he was called philippe to write a letter to her for him because philippe was known for writing very good . louise was so impressed by the letter - thinking it was the king himself who wrote it to her - that she felt she needed to try her best too and she went to philippe too to ask him to write a letter back . they kept asking philippe for letters for eachother until louise finally told louis what she has been doing . thats so wholesome tbh it makes me laugh and cry at the same time ( i love louis xiv what a guy ) . thats so sweet i cannot live with this . anyway louis xiv and louise just laughed at that and were very happy . i love both of them .

[sprinklewinkles]

im going to post my thoughts here too... Genuine thoughts to the UC changes. From my perspective. For context i own 16 ucs, that i have gotten via trades, gifts and adoption apps. My first UC, given to me as gift, to trade (which i kept) in March 2019. I have 1 VWN UC the rest are DN -> VBN name formated. To put it out there. I think im okay with this.

My UCs i havnt owned for as long some other folks around for sure, and honestly in the time that ive been trading the announcement that UCs are "coming back" in some form had been around since 2021. So my PC trading period had been spent more in the years leading upto this release vs not.

Trading for UCs was honestly a blast, ive met so many cool people and made many friends over the years. Many whom i speak on a daily basis still. Though it was tough. It was had as fuck. When you start with nothing (i joined neo my first account april 2008. 1 year after conversion) there were so many points in time where i wanted to quit and give up and just convert my UCs pound them and close my accounts. I trained like 5 pets to lv 250 1500hsd. To trade into ucs with. I timer trained with NC training cookies, had FQCs going aswell and ruined my sleep schedual for months. Just to have the quickest outcome to jump into UCs again to work toward the goal of the cat clowder. I dont regret it. And pending on the price of the NC tokens for the upcoming UCs release, i could wager i have spent more NC on training and quest cookies to BD train pets to break into UCs with VS what the tokens will cost. But i had fun doing it! And updating the friends at the time with the progress and where i was going with it!

Honestly i would never wish upon anyone to do the grind to work for an UC it was all consuming (an addictive personality doesnt help here lol) I cannot even bring myself to train pets now, like i have had Sprinkle since Nov 2019 she had lv100 and 300hsd when i first got her. I only got her to lv250 late last year. And shes ment to have been my main BD this whole time. The burnout of the grind was so real. And the struggle and obsessive hours spent trying to work toward a funny little creature. So yeah i dont wish it on anyone. I wish for it to be easier for folks to get their cool art pet, bc not everyone has been as lucky as me to get UCs.

I see alot of folks saying as soon as they get the token they will be pounding their less then VWN UCs in favour of a name they create etc. Which is so valid for starters. But idk the BN names have so much charm. And ppl talk abt UCs liking the nostalgia factor with this change, But like the nostalgia factor could also b the name too. Like SprinkleWinkles is so cute. DN by PC standards. Stinky_minky_2004 has so much funny charm but BN. I wanna know what was stinky in 04 for a kid to make this pet. Love_u_4ever like i just have the name nostalgia w them. I choose my UCs for the names first. Theyre all just funny and make me smile. But the other way is so valid too. Im not discrediting that either. And old pets get a trophy too. Im assuming if theyre older than conversion so april 27th 2007. Which isnt a bad thing!

Idk ive waffled on. But i think im happy w the change and UCs being more accessible. Esp if theyre going to be at a good price point, which a comment from tnt ivy saying she was "plesently surprised" with the price from her as a PCer player whos going to buy them. Going to be providing critical but constructive feedback on thin lined UCs as they come out though cause those will likely be the most changed UCs.

Ive been so done with UC trading for years. And im so ready to get my final 3 UC cats and complete my clowder x3 And im so ready to see other folks get their goal UCs and funky lil pets

[rottytops]

squid thoughts after finalfest...

readmore bc i dont think anyone cares or even knows who runs this blog anymore but anyways

squids huh...........i have such a weird and intimate relationship with splatoon, i was SO into it when s1 came out i literally wouldnt shut up about it, i was on fucking. SQUIDBOARDS everyday pre-release sucking up all the info i could on splats, and i played it to absolute death too. at the end of s1 for final fest i was in a really weird housing situation bc i was leaving college and my like 2 month lease at my apartment i couldnt afford was running out, but i dont think i had a tv or something? so i had to use the apartment's like...public office room to play that final fest at like 2AM (i was team marie of course)

then splat 2 happened and i think splatoon was like, my entire life for several years no joke. i fell into a big splatoon community, got really into making splatoon art and OCs, had tons of splat friends, it was kind of a whirlwind. splatoon was the launching pad i used to get into freelancing commissions which is really funny in retrospect because i could not and still cannot figure out how to draw the inkling mask to save my life.

those were really really fun days and i still consider 2 the peak of my interest in the series as well as my favorite splat game + idol group, the good days in my splat fanbse didnt last forever though since my mental health and the difficulties of freelancing ate me alive in a way that im only just now recovering from, but that doesnt tarnish the memory or anyhting, the friends i made during s2's run are some of the closest ive ever had and im still with them even today, so i guess in a way splatoon 2 affected my life in a way only comparable to like...the disgaea series which is REALLY SAYING SOMETHING

but that brings me to 3 which is definitely when i fell off of the splat boat and wanted to move on. to be honest a lot of drama happened post 2's end that made me not wanna look at splat 3 at all but of course i caved and bough it anddddddd barely even played it, lol...i missed a ton of the catalog battle pass things and didnt feel the need to play that much, i didnt even get side order until like 2 months ago... it makes me sad to think that something so important to me is just not quite for me anymore, even if i love it dearly, part of that i think is just ive accepted im REALLY BAD AT SHOOTERS no matter what. a million hours in 1 and 2 and my aim is still super bad, i was able to get all X rank in S2 but in S3 i can barely land my shots or use my brella and had to swap to the 52 gal...its embarassing! i think id get really into a splatoon RPG or something, so maybe they just need to make a splatoon spinoff for me to get absurdly hooked to it but for now im pretty content closing a book on playing the games

but man, final fest made me realize how much splatoon has done for me over the years, i think ill always adore the world and its characters, even if i dont keep up with the games very much. im a little miffed team past won beecase even if i love the squid sisters, i reaaaally dont wanna see them doing more idol stuff. let those bitches retire!!! theyre like 30 now and still doing the same songs and outfits they wore nearly 10 years ago!! aauuhg, though i guess me caring so much about virtual squid idols shows how much the series still means to me...

i dont have any closing thoughts and i dont think anyone read this far either but it does feel very nice to word vomit on my blog which i. do not do. anymore. for some reason..

i love splatoon a lot i think, maybe i should just draw squids without playing the games...i think ill do that...

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[xxxjarchiexxx]

i am trying to read more about bi lesbianism bcuz i do want to understand but everything i have been able to find is like. bonkers transphobic??? everything ive found that isnt "i like girls extra so just bi doesnt work" is "trans men can be lesbians because of having a vagine" and it just. confuses me? many of these people seem to be saying lesboys exist which strong agree but so much seems to be focused on tme people and comes off like a weird progressive reskin of excluding trans women from sapphic spaces, and i KNOW thats not actually the core idea or meaning bcuz i have seen a lot of transfems identify with bi lesbianism!!! i just want to understand bcuz i truly believe ppl are functioning in good faith and genuine self identification and i am over trying to police anything or making my opinion on label functionality a problem like. ill never be cool with social media posts blowing up abt how Lesbians Fuck Men but otherwise personal labels i truly dont care and want to understand so im capable of approaching the subject in good faith and not ignorance, but i genuinely can't find anything that isn't bigotted*.

i know that online communities of bi lesbians arent to blame for things like sexual violence or anything and any bigotry espoused is problematic on its own right regardless of self identity, feel a need to say that explicitly because i have also noticed that as a talking point where people either victim blame Bad Lesbians for violence or it is assumed that the person is when asking about this

i am open to discourse and people chiming in on this post or sending asks if it is done in good faith because i cannot stress enough how much i am trying to approach this with an open mind and learn more, i just am like. not finding anything that isn't biphobic or transmisogynistic or reiterating people can do what they want, so if you have answers here that isnt that i would love that

*exception 2 split attraction model ppl or lesbians who fool around with men and use bisexual to describe sexual activity i get that but that doesnt seem to be a majority of people

[mossy-covered-bones]

I absolutely cannot contribute my fair share to an architecture discussion as I know 0 about it but I would be 100% happy to listen

No thats totally fine i spent almost two hours rambling w my mom abt sociopolitical associations of some styles and she isnt too familiar either

But uh. I have many opinions i would love to share. On roofs and silhouettes. Gods i have so many thoughts about roofs

I will say the passion projects ive done have focused on the us and the western influences so my familiarity w architecture is very eurocentric but alas

First off: im generally a fan of gabled roofs. I like the triangles. Around 20 degrees is probably ideal

Also like. Look at this house its beautiful. Italianate fucks so hard, look at those windows! The tower!

Italianate actually tends towards really shallow hipped roofs, which i really love. Im not a huge fan of hipped roofs but the low angles + floor variation really sells it

Places hipped roofs do NOT look cool are the steeper angles in more uniform roofs, like in the classic ranch style shapes. Look at them. Wheres the flavor. These guys never even have covered porches, just garages too big for the building theyre attached to. I have mixed feelings abt ranch style

Like look how much flavor suburban houses add to their roofs. Yes suburbs objectively suck and only the street side looks good but the street side looks Very Good. All the gables and the intersections between the two different directions and that nice shaped dormer on the left. Huge fan of gabled dormers, the slanted roofed ones just dont hit the same

Also, and dont hate me for this, but i dont like craftsman style houses. Look at them. Their roofs arent as steep as suburban houses, w the 35-45 degree roofs necessary to provide enough variation between the many sections. Theyre just less interesting and so overdone—its like every western states upper middle class nuclear family ever, yknow? The style and colors have so little variation. You can do better, more inspired styles with those large wooden beams

Okay but back to silhouettes—one thing that never fails to improve a building are towers. Just look at the square italianate towers above, and look at the romantic area ~ideal fantasy castle~

(Fun fact the second picture is schloss newschwannstein. Ive been there its awesome and they really lean in ti the romantic aesthetic)

Like they add these nice little variations in form and height, rounded areas in seas of rectangles, and theyve got those awesome pointed roofs. Whats not to love, towers never lose. Also i just really love romantic architecture

Plus like. Scottish baronial style? Its romantic AND victorian inspired. Doesnt get any sexier than that

Look at the roof lines, the formers, the shapes. And those little tower protrusions on the right one, the tourelles? Those look so cool and theyve VERY typical to this style i love it. I love all the little variations of romanticism, especially the quainter Arts and Crafts style the gardens are always so beautiful

I am unfortunately out of image space so uh. Please feel free to ask me follow up questions! I love talking abt this shit and i have SO many opinions. And i love talking in general

Im trying ti get better at identifying styles rn too so lotsa wikipedia and photos its great

[moedollita]

pet peeve

sorry this post just turns into insane ranting garble i start sounding like im 12 , theres nothing of substance to read

this is something insanely stupid and even hypocritical of me to get annoyed at , but i absolutely cannot stand it when people online pretend like they're more mentally ill than they are . i hate when people put some sort of mental illness wordsalad in their bios like ' jirai ' , ' landmine girl ' , ' menhera ' i hate when people obviously try to act like ame / kangel after playing NSO or some other fictional character when they were absolutely nothing like them before . they practically brag about being mentally ill and then only showcase the same 5 symptoms that are insanely fetishized and none of the 100 others that aren't as ' cute ' . it makes me lose my mind . it feels like such a disgusting mockery it makes me want to rip my skin open . i cant stand even imagining anyone could see these shitty obvious yandere larp posts and put op on the same level as someone whos actually struggling . just this unbridled rage festers inside of me you dont know what its like stop fucking quoting anime characters so you can achieve some aesthetic go fuck yourself

i hate it because i hate myself and i hate the things i do , witnessing someone grift on the KAWAII DESU symptoms while im on a private twitter account typing the most disgusting unforgivable things i can possibly conjure up about the people i love because of how angry i feel over something so idiotically , stupidly minuscule like an actual fucking child . i cant make a single friend in my life because im genuinely so terrified of people and their intentions with me that when i somehow make a friend i genuinely think that they're only playing some long con because they want to ruin my life . im so lonely but i legitimately cannot handle having friends because they can say ANYTHING and my mind will twist it to some insane act of pure hatred against me and then my hands are shaking and i cant focus on anything for the next few hours and i cant stop crying and cutting myself and im planning extensively how to tell them i cant be friends with them because i just cant take it anymore and oh nevermind suddenly im fine again . but at the same time if someones too nice all the time my fucking brain will start losing interest in them because apparently i NEED them to pull away from me and be a fucking asshole to me because im some sort of insane emotional masochist !!! i cant speak my mind with anyone even if they're obviously in the wrong and being mean to me when ive done nothing because i just know they're going to leave if i reciprocate with any sort of pushback so i just ghost them instead which makes the situation even more complicated or i have some sort of tantrum where i accuse them of the most schizotypal shit instead of actually discussing it like a normal person . its actually indescribable how embarassing it is to retain that " my parents didnt buy me candy so they hate me " mindset from when i was 8 years old all the way until 15 . and everything with me has to be some sort of extreme . i cant even like something normally i have to be obsessed with it to an emotionally deteriorating degree . i cant feel somewhat bad about something it had to feel like my world is ending and that ill never be happy again . why am i fucking feeling like this because of the sub count of a VTUBER . and then all of life is just a cycle of yearning for shit and feeling bad for myself " why cant i do this why cant i be better at this you can either be bad or a prodigy and im not a prodigy and i dont care if im 15 i need to be better than 28 year olds at this or else im a total fucking failure " and i fucking bet you if i would ever reach that prodigy status i would feel absolutely nothing about it and my brain would latch unto the next thing to feel bad about " ok well im not good at * that * i need to be good at * that * it doesnt matter if im good at * this * anyone can be good at * this * i need to be good as * that * as well " . it is legitimately either all or nothing with me and i cant stand either of those options . i hate feeling empty and i hate being obsessed with someone to the point of emotional spiraling 5 times a day but there can never be an inbetween option . im intensely angry about everything

and the most insanely retarded part about all of this , is that given the choice i wouldnt want to get better . this is all that i am . i am nothing without this disorder . if i dont have this disorder nobody will care about me or be gentle with me anymore . i will forever mentally be a child that only wants someone to take care of them and if i dont have this disorder there will be nothing to take care of . nobody will care . but heres the kicker ; nobody cares already . strangers are gentle with me because i have a sad look in my eyes but thats all there is . i just cant bring myself to actually talk about what i go through . all anyone sees is that im energetic and then suddenly sad within an single second interval or that i just stare ahead at shit like a zoo animal or that i cut myself sometimes . i cant even fully bring up and elaborate on extremely heavy topics that i go through on twitter or on this blog because it feels so wrong to imagine someone connecting something as dark as that with * me * . i want attention but i dont talk about shit . i dont want to talk about shit . i already utterly despise seeing the look people get in their faces when they somehow catch a glimpse at my sh scars or for gods sake fucking mentions it to me " dont do that to yourself " please dont worry about me and make me feel like a horrible burden when im trying my hardest to seem okay so i can be an enjoyable person to be around . having a person worried about someone as disgustingly rotted , parasitic and inhuman as me is the worst thing to inflect on someone , its like feeling bad for a dying cockroach . i mean just read the first part of this ramble to see how shitty of a person i am where i exaggerate my symptoms to make myself look like i suffer more than other people and put down anyone who dares to express their symptoms differently

[pwblogarchive]

July 2007

July 3, 2007

you are the best song ever written.my heart matches the beat (of the world) perfectly.i feel at peace with everything, which is rare for me.i'm out of breath but still grinning ear to ear.every time you stumble over your words but you keep smiling.it makes this worth it.feel the echoes of the stadium flushing through your body.cry out and raise your fists into the air.this is your anthem.nothing would ever matter if you weren't around.this has always been our fight club.dance until your shoes wear away and your legs refuse to work.sing until your lips are dry and chapped.jump until the earth shakes with your spirit.most importantly: shine smiles on me as i walk by.thank you for being my light.i cannot make it without you.we're just dressing up what's always been there.four boys and the crowd of lunatics who love them.this makes everything worth it.

Posted by xo at 2:52 AM "

July 6, 2007

weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary

we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill

we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.

everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.

arrogantly insecure and vice versa.

and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.

i drive zippers the way truckers know i80

sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down

in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.

so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.

the worlds worst kind of diary.

pulled the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.

strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my few remaining friends.

how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.

July 7, 2007

“waiting on the world to change”

some people drink too much

talk too much

think too much

smile too much

ive got em all beat

crickets- but not in this city

and certainly not jiminy

its glowing with the heat of lightbulbs going off overheads

been staying up straight for the last week due to 6am flights and ideas

tommorrow is no different

wrote a long piece that hazily remembered tears going from left eye into right.. sideways on a tile floor

and another full of expectations and demands of the continent of africa....

sitting here unhindered by spellcheck or sentence structure

i am not of the head to press the submit button on either of these

they are derivitive and self indulgent-

not interested in championing misery, at least right now

instead i was thinking of how there is a spark of something great inside of almost every single person i have met in my entire life and that maybe it should be our task to blow on it and guard it, feed it ideas as dry wood- watch it burn.

instead of blowing it out.

easier said than done...

goodnight moon.

goodnight loves.

i hope to be back to my same miserable self in the morning. until then spark and travel safely in your head.

posted by xo at 10:20 PM

July 12, 2007

adventure is in your head. the capacity for it, that is.

for some reason the journal over at fobrock isnt working.

but just wanted to say thank you- its amazing to see a little video we did for the internet go to number one on trl.

today we leave on a huge adventure.

more later for now.

all the aliases hemingway goes by:

hem

hembone

grape crush

lil dude

hemitrex le strange

puppy chow

bubba

bubs

the fat man

the fattest man

the sad man

the baby old man

(the last four are used by joe exclusively)

its no wonder he doesnt know his name.

oh yeah- there is a new remix of arms race floating around the internet. we like it alot. check it out if you get a chance.

posted by xo at 4:41 PM

June 17, 2007

“dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.”

if the opposite is true than of course

bad things happen to good people

of this i am convinced

love only has legs

so it can runaway

damn the chesire cats and white rabbits all to hell

reading keuroac across the country is something everyone should do

its funny that a confidence man inspires just the opposite

cresting on waves

i wait for my dreams to break on the sand

breathing white cities off the map into your nose

there is mint in the japanese eye drops im using.

they feel like little piece of glass at war with my pupils.

but they bleach my eyes white even sleep couldnt save me.

i feel like the santa maria-

third in line of discovery

i want to find a new world with you in hand

i cant wait to make it back

i have chemicals to erase my old troubles and welcome new ones with open arms

finding the right formulas, adding and subtracting myself from myself

i am dreaming of the walrus and mysteries

and you cause you never know: just kick rocks, kid.

i had a spark that just wouldnt start

youll find asleep in the lobby of an airport somewhere

waiting for delays to begin or end

waiting to fly forward or back in time, only away from now

excuse me but this starts/stops and jumps from the limits of the pen

i cant fit all my thoughts onto the back of this dirty american airlines ticket

summer is when i still feel the most free

was reading of the late sixties, of dylan and a golden era

made me want this so much more

so glad i have three genuine people in my life no matter the first weeks or flashes

crush on me like new love or a drug

Posted by xoat 4:52 AM

July 20, 2007

“wowzers.”

fobrock journal still isnt working so i will post in here:

we left uganda after having seen the best and worst mankind has to offer.

after having not been on the internet for a couple of days i come back to find that i am engaged, pregnant, and have a facebook account- haha in other hardhitting news i just saw a gossip blog that had pictures of real life leprachauns riding a unicorn- pretty amazing how sweet REAL life is.

by the way if you are not speaking to someone in fall out boy over at falloutboyrock.com you are NOT speaking to a member of fall out boy.

we came to uganda with a plan for a video- we completely scrapped it and changed it after arriving and have made what we believe is a much more compelling and dangerous video. i am excited for you to see it.

i feel changed- little things dont matter as much. this trip has brought us so much closer as friends. the band is stronger than ever.

take care.

thank you for your continued support of all of our endeavors.

sleep hard, wish well.

p

July 20, 2007

“the lemon generation”

what follows are journal entries i wrote for myself personally on this trip. they are pretty boring and written terribly but i figured i would share this adventure with you... as the only reason WE are able to do this is YOU. each break is a seperate thought only they dont really make too much sense anyway.... please only share this with people you think would care, i dont feel like this should end up in some celebrity blog anywhere... ill add more later as this is just a few days. i apologize i am addicted to verbiage. thanks:

and today begins what may be the last real adventure of my life to a continent where life began. i am afraid and excited in a way i havent been in years.

gray skies, even grEy, leaving heathrow. time travelers. always backwards and forwards thru time. the lights of the coast bobbing with the bumps of the plane like buoys bobbing in the water. in a plane full of strange strangers were flying down the coast- which one, im not too sure, nor too concerned- im sure they are summering and waiting for life to crawl on as it jets by above them.

sheraton kampala- 8am today here, beats 3 am yesterday there.... the national language is english- though there are some 40 different dialects spoken in northern uganda alone. have not seen an insect or human worth having a conversation over or with yet. considering lowering my standards for one or both... and hoping as we leave and strike out for gulu that both the former and the latter become more foreign and intriguing. heres to hoping anyway. we drive everywhere in these funny taxis called "matutus"(?) the drivers speak little to no english anytime anything important needs to be communicated- and seem to have equally small regard for destination and speed limits- ah my kind of place. its strange to be surrounded by so many faces but feel so alone. at least coca-cola stuck their flag in this place- otherwise how could we beat the real thing (maybe who would even want to). first hour of the drive we get stuck in the mud, run out of gas and i have lost my malaria pills. we are off to a good start.

there is a torrential downpour outside. im guessing this is what they meant by rainy season. i cant imagine living here. (its not really hot at all this time of year. close to chicago in early september). as tho yr thoughts would never be able to dodge the rain drops as they fell- am i getting thru? i bet there is some great music and stories in those shanty towns we drove by. oh and the drive from kampala was semi-suicidal, cant believe we made it. dirtroads, dodging potholes and oncoming traffic- driving too fast for an ambush. i kept nodding off but patrick woke me up everytime he thought we might die. i wonder how many miles i am away from you right now?

t.i.a.- the acronym for the most applicable phrase ever. when the taxi never comes, or drops you off at the wrong spot, when the electricity goes off every single night, when there is sand in your rice- "this is africa" is simply what is said. at an ngo hotspot resturaunt- the only people that go to africa are christian or have a deathwish- not sure where we fit into that. so many white people it felt like the suburbs. there are over 100 ngos in gulu alone and the people still live in utter despair. at dinner people spoke of danger and missions- of the congo- the way people back home speak of gambling in vegas or frat parties. you win some, you lose some. the air everywhere smells acrid and burnt. ive been told its because people burn their trash here. walked part of the way in the pitch black , kind of as tho we had a mugger fantasy. oh well. ended up on the backs of "boda bodas"- these little 300cc motorbikes shooting off under the stars. and they never looked so goddamned bright anywhere on this planet as they do tonight in gulu. im gone.

i dont think anyone here wears a watch. honestly. its only either light or dark.

havent watched tv in awhile now. weeks, months. turned it on today- such a bore. spent the day in an idp camp pronounced "away" camp. tho i believe it is spelled completely different but the meaning of its misunderstanding is so profound. i am in a hole in my head. the rabbit went down but i havent fit since i was young. just in and out of sleep i have these visions. i dont know how to explain them. they would simply either bore you or scare you to death. they are between caring too much and not at all. between a detailed account and a jackson pollack mess. had them on the drive again. and again as the mosquito net rained around my dreamy head. i am intrigued by places that trade 4 seasons (not the one with roomservice) for a rainy season and a dry season. scratch what i said earlier at night it seems to be hot no matter what and in some occurences too hot to move or care. not sure of where i fit in this world.

i am convinced people can go bad, just like food.

there is more to this world than collagen and underwear-less crotch shots. i am convinced of this.

what we are filming is a dangerous idea- make no mistake of that.

i dont cry because the walls are too thin and i dont want anyone to hear me being human.

i awoke to a rainstorm that has never been heard in america. the kind that washes the sadness off the backs and out of the eyes of the tired and forgotten. it reminded me of how foreign this truly is. at toast and jam for breakfast again today. just two pieces. cause it was free. tho the westerner in my surely couldve eaten the whole loaf. toast is my favorite of all time. it is simple yet endows you with the feeling of timelessness and spacelessness. you could be eating this anywhere, anytime and it would even taste and feel the same for the most part.

i love times when everyone is asleep. the world seems to spin differently.

July 25, 2007

“loverboy”

i just wanted to express my sincerest admiration and pride for our friends in gym class heroes.

yesterday their record was certified gold.

and an exflame is simply certifiable.

posted by xo at 4:22 PM

July 25, 2007

"feeling the pressure, under more scrutiny. what do i do? act more stupidly"

his and hers mood disorders.

my friend drinks Lean. i didnt get the reference until he fell asleep in the movies with me.

more like passed out.

but its really all the same plus or minus breathing patterns and r.e.m. sleep.

oh and a note to you:

the nuts and bolts of love arent something that ikea instruction plans can assemble.

posted by xo at 6:41 PM

July 27, 2007

“the lemon generation part II: ‘the things i do just to make myself more attractive to you.’”

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

posted by xo at 1:22 PM

July 27, 2007

“you dont need a reputation when you're god.”

maybe stars and stripes mask the aching hearts beneath them, maybe we're all really a part of this, maybe our army is stronger than the centuries.

counted down the moments. planets colliding and imploding; all we see are lightshows because were stapled to the dusty carpet of our earth with our hands behind our heads. nothing looks as good as you feel.

trapped in a ceramic room, press your forehead against the cold tile and let the tears run down your face, you cant see anything through the falling water. let me be human. let me believe.

the roof of the world.

imagine four ships sailing in opposite directions.

west east north and south. this is the way my mind is pulled, inversely, and its completely out of character for me.

i am the fountain(head).

i lie only for/with you.

Posted by xo at 6:35 PM

July 28, 2007

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

[sounds6noise9]

how much longer do i have to atone? what did i do that was so bad that i cannot allow myself to die, even though i beseech of that very thing. there's no single reason for me to continue on when i will either inflict hurt or be hurt. ive always felt like with each and every person i converse with, i will never talk with them beyond the surface level. i cant connect with anyone, i simply cannot. i dont know how to be charismatic, how to end the silence, and why silence feels like my burden. ill explain more in another post, later. yesterday i was put in a situation where i became harshly aware of this, depsite having always known. ive always known, and some days i am more aware of it than others. i know its been weird because im apathetic as of late, and cant really think properly. but when you said that it was awkward being there with me, i couldn't help but feel worried. i know ive been cruel to you for a little, but its only because you hurt first. but it was selfish of me not to see through that, but even still why should i act like i care. do i even really? who's to say? but i was nevertheless worried, because even though i knew i'd take my life, i thought by some chance, that someday, you'd save me. that maybe my love for you, and the interchangable sum, could be wonderful enough to save me from this dream of dying ive had. but it was foolish to even think that when we could never connect in the first place. those nights where i looked at your pictures to ease me into sleep was just time spent on useless acts of greed. how could i ever hope for our bodies to exchange warmth when you could never even feel like i was a wonderful enough person; im not lovely, i will not be someone you could ever even want to be around. i know of you, but i dont know you. neither do you know of me, i dont think im a very vulnerable person because maybe ive always just been like that. i know of you, the promise of death. and though i vow to this promise, i sometimes stray away, i sometimes have love to give, i sometimes think about a life worth living. but when i think of these thoughts, i realize that i cannot have that because i have to atone for something with no reason as to why. i mustve done something so bad that i will never have any sense of normality in my life. i thought that i could, but truth be told, i will not be the person to save you, nor will you be the person to save me. our friendship has already seen a decline, and im sure it will soon be no more. my life is different from yours, because you loosing me will not feel like a loss. you have others to make up for it, people who wont make you feel lonely, places to run to. i have nothing, and so loosing you will be a cold loss. as i navigate these feelings, i will fluctuate between not caring, and caring enough so that it is reminiscent of a heartbreak between lovers. we are not lovers, even though i wish that we could be. i will still wish even in the times i am swarmed by a brigade of untidy loneliness. i thought that loving someone and forgoing everything else is all i need, that if i dont murder myself, i can move 2,000 miles to where you live. we'd finally see the same stars at the same time, not even in different time zones. i can see your face, instead of it just being plastered to my screen. i can touch you, all the while you touch me. im greedy and selfish and there's nothing of me i can give to you, i cant provide you anything, because it just doesnt happen that way. someone with such an idle personality should have no hope, no hope that someone like you, with the beautiful hair, could ever save me

[valodia]

OK re that last post/drawing. Lets elaborate on that and add the music score rating. This will sound insane btw. Its highly subjective.

Ou. ter Wil.ds

Gameplay: 5 stars - introduces simple but cool features, nothing extraordinary for my taste but serves what it does perfectly. Low res visuals: 4 stars - just fine, low res as i like it, doesnt crash your computer just watching a LP. loses a star bc its 3d obviously Aes/scenery: 5 stars+ - such creative and artistic sights. awe inspiring. just the DLC's world is incredible by itself but everything is different and unique Mood/vibes: 5 stars+++++ infinite - makes me cry just thinking about it. perfect perfect perfect cannot understate this Storytelling: 5 stars+ - the way the story is told tells just enough and leaves you to figure the rest out, exactly as everything should be. any other type of storytelling is garbage but thats my own subjective opinion Innovation: 5 stars - never seen a game like this. Symbolism: 5 stars+++++ infinite - watched a bunch of hours long analysis videos and learned something about the themes every single time. i still feel like it has more to tell too Worldbuilding: 5 stars+. so creative so creative so creative. sadly the storytelling style doesnt allow for more depth which is fine the way it is for this style. but i yearn to know more Music score: 5 stars+++++ infinite - sound design in general is perfect. idk what else to say its just amazing. not my fave music style though but perfect for what it does here and the associated emotions are gut wrenching. Bonus replayability rating: 0.5 stars - i want to wipe my memory to experience it again, over and over. considering not interacting with it for 10 years to try it again from the top. not likely as im hyperfixating on it currently.

Ken.shi Gameplay: 5 stars+++++ infinite - i never want any other style of gameplay in a game. Low res visuals: 3 stars - low res as i like it. unfortunately this isnt 2d. would have matched the aes so much better. the game is beautiful but could be more which is why this rating is low. Aes/scenery: 4 stars - would be 5 but so much space is empty. it serves the vibe of the game but its also overkill lets be honest Mood/vibes: 4 stars - great. could be better though. see above Storytelling: 5+ stars - i think it isnt infinite stars only bc ive known this game for years and became a bit jaded by it. otherwise my absolute fave style of storytelling. tell almost nothing and speculate. every art do this or die Innovation: 5 stars+ - comes up with so many cool ideas that it actually makes you feel like there are more than there are. anyway unprecedented, never been done before, etc etc etc. the gameplay, the concepts, etc etc. Symbolism: 4 stars - there are a lot of things to say about it. provided that you speculate correctly. could be more but fine the way it is. Worldbuilding: 5 stars+++++ infinite - perfect. Music score: 2.5 stars - its fine but loses at least one star bc part of it makes it annoying. not very diverse either. i usually just turn it off. otherwise great vibes for it. Bonus replayability rating: 4.5 stars - never tire of starting over, in fact its way more fun than the end game stage. play regularly Now lets do Dar.k Chr.o.nicle. Gameplay: 4 stars - cool features for a game like this. Low res visuals: 4 stars - its got that playstation/gamecube goodness Aes/scenery: 4.5 stars - some areas are so pretty Mood/vibes: 4 stars - makes me feel nostalgic and like the world is simple and good, which is kind of the point bc it has black and white retro rpg morality. Storytelling: 2.5 stars - its fine, very conventional for the genre. the time travelling mechanic is incredibly cheesy, best not to think about it too much. Innovation: 3.5 stars - introduces many features ive never seen in a rpg, but at its core stays very true to its genre. Symbolism: 1 stars - good will prevail no matter what and people are evil bc theyre hurt. doesnt really have any deeper themes. Worldbuilding: 2.5 stars. actually 1.5 stars only due to elves and moonfolk Music score: 5 stars - one of my fave instrumentals ever comes from this song and i just still listen to the OST regularly despite the fact that ive played this game as a child first and foremost. ive never forgotten its music Bonus replayability rating: 3 stars - 1 star due to nostalgia factor and another bc its nearly impossible to complete everything. i come back to this game about once every few years

i hope ive been exhaustive otherwise ill edit this. if you read all this wow. really?!