#don't have time rn for more analyses

[daughterofhecata]

READING LIST 2022

Faye Kellerman: Die Schwingen des Todes [org. title: Stone Kiss]

Andreas Ruch: Die Drei ??? und die Geisterfrau

Austin Chant: Peter Darling

Christoph Dittert: Die Drei ??? und das kalte Auge

Faye Kellerman: Doch jeder tötet, was er liebt [org. title: Justice]

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? Eine schreckliche Bescherung

Jonathan L. Howard: Johannes Cabal #1. Seelenfänger. [org. title: Johannes Cabal the Necromancer]

Hendrik Buchna, Marco Sonnleitner, u.a.: Die Drei ??? und der Zeitgeist

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? Die Rache des Untoten

Sylvia Plath: The Bell Jar

Jack Kerouac: On the Road

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? Der tote Mönch

Theodor Michael: Deutsch Sein und Schwarz Dazu. Erinnerungen eines Afro-Deutschen.

Don Winslow: Corruption [org. title: The Force]

Christoph Dittert: Die Drei ??? und die brennende Stadt

Jonathan Stroud: Bartimäus #1. Das Amulett von Samarkand. [org. title: The Bartimaeus Trilogy #1. The Amulet of Samarkand.] (reread)

Ben Nevis: Die Drei ??? Das düstere Vermächtnis

Anne Frank: Tagebuch der Anne Frank. 14. Juni 1942 bis 1. August 1944. [org. title: Het Achterhuis]

Franz Kafka: Das Urteil (reread)

Alexander Wolkow: Zauberland-Reihe #1. Der Zauberer der Smaragdenstadt. [org. title: Волшебник изумрудного города] (reread)

Anna Mirga-Kruszelnicka, Jekatyerina Dunajeva: Re-Thinking Roma Resistance throughout History: Recounting Stories of Strength and Bravery.

Hendrik Buchna: Die Drei ??? Manuskript des Satans

André Marx: Die Drei ??? Im Wald der Gefahren

Jonathan Kellerman: City of the Dead. An Alex Delaware Novel.

Iny Lorentz: Die Feuerbraut (reread)

Don Winslow: Broken

Christina Henry: Lost Boy

Xiran Jay Zhao: Iron Widow

Kari Erlhoff: Die Drei ??? Im Netz der Lügen

Jiří Weil: Leben mit dem Stern [org. title: Život s hvězdou]

Jiří Weil: Klagegesang für 77297 Opfer [org. title: Žalozpěv za 77297 obětí]

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? und der Feuergeist

Václav Havel: Vernissage [org. title: Vernisáž]

Václav Havel: Protest

Luke Arnold: Fetch Phillips Archives #3. One Foot in the Fade.

K. Ancrum: Darling

Bożena Keff: Ein Stück über Mutter und Vaterland [org. title: Utwór o Matce i Ojczyźnie]

Tess Gerritsen: Die Chirurgin [org. title: The Surgeon]

Rainer Maria Rilke: Gedichte [herausgegeben vom Hamburger Lesehefte Verlag]

Tess Gerritsen: Der Meister [org. title: The Apprentice]

Jennifer Giesbrecht: The Monster of Elendhaven

Jonathan L. Howard: Johannes Cabal #2. Totenbeschwörer. [org. title: Johannes Cabal the Detective]

Justin Fenton: We Own This City. A True Story of Crime, Cops, and Corruption.

Ben Nevis: Die Drei ??? Auf tödlichem Kurs

Maria Konopnicka: Der Danziger Mendel [org. title: Mendel Gdański]

Anne Stuart: Still Lake (reread)

Georg Trakl: Gedichte [Auswahl von Marie Luise Kaschnitz]

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? und das Tuch der Toten

Judith Butler: Gender Trouble. Feminism and the Subversion of Identity.

Jenny-Mai Nuyen: Heartware

Akram El-Bahay: Die Bibliothek der Flüsternden Schatten #1. Bücherstadt.

Christoph Dittert: Die Drei ??? Geheimnisvolle Botschaften

Jilliane Hoffman: Morpheus [org. title: Last Witness] (reread)

Leslie Feinberg: Stone Butch Blues

Kari Erlhoff: Die Drei ??? und die Gesetzlosen

Akram El-Bahay: Die Bibliothek der Flüsternden Schatten #2. Bücherkönig.

Marco Sonnleitner: Die Drei ??? und der Knochenmann

Akram El-Bahay: Die Bibliothek der Flüsternden Schatten #3. Bücherkrieg.

Christoph Dittert: Die Drei ??? Der gefiederte Schrecken

Konstantin Wecker: Auf der Suche nach dem Wunderbaren. Poesie ist Widerstand.

Ocean Vuong: On Earth We‘re Briefly Gorgeous

Evelyn Boyd: Die Drei ??? und die Gefängnisinsel

Angela Davis: Are Prisons Obsolete?

Konstantin Wecker: Jeder Augenblick ist ewig. Die Gedichte.

Scaachi Koul: One Day We‘ll All Be Dead And None Of This Will Matter.

Jonathan L. Howard: Johannes Cabal #3. Das Institut für Angst und Schrecken. [org. title: The Fear Institute]

Kristen Roupenian: Cat Person

Harper Lee: To Kill a Mockingbird

Vincent Burmeister, David Schraven: Unter Krähen. Aus dem Inneren der Republik.

Elfriede Jelinek, Nicolas Mahler: Der fremde! störenfried der ruhe eines sommerabends der ruhe eines friedhofs.

Evelyn Boyd: Die Drei ??? Wüstenfieber

Alice Walker: Everyday Use

Jan Drda: Das höhere Prinzip [org. title: Vyšši princip]

Jerzy Andrzejewski: Warschauer Karwoche [org. title: Wielki tydzień]

Josef Bor: Theresienstädter Requiem [org. title: Terezínské Rekviem]

Sandra Cisneros: Never Marry a Mexican

Lydia Benecke: Sadisten. Tödliche Liebe – Geschichten aus dem wahren Leben.

Ben Nevis: Die Drei ??? und die Teufelsklippe

James Ellroy: L.A. Confidential. Stadt der Teufel. [org. title: L.A. Confidential]

Tadeusz Słobodzianek: Unsere Klasse. Eine Geschichte in XIV Lektionen. [org. title: Nasza klasa]

[embv]

anyway if anyone is curious about where i’m at with the dsmp lore, i’m at that awkward stage where my initial hyperfixation for a character has died down and i sit back and think about their actions and their behaviors and i look back at how i justified/rationalized those as being better (or done with good intentions) than they were, and at how i would have characterized this character in the height of my hyperfixation, and i realize: wow, this character is more of an asshole than i was willing to admit, and i think part of me even knew that but was just too protective of my idea of them to admit that, maybe, despite already knowing they were an asshole, they were a Lot meaner than i treated them as, and i’m going to have to adjust my characterization of them and their subsequent dynamics with other characters (while still remaining in line with canon content and canon themes) because of it.

[torawro]

I’D DIE FOR YOU (AND I HAVE). ( s.a. )

sousuke aizen & black!fem!reader.

cw ━━ ! minors, blank and ageless blogs DO NOT INTERACT. reader is portrayed as a black woman but you do not have to imagine her that way. using this map of the seireitei as a reference (i searched high and low for a consistent accurate one but it was hard). the first half is set pre-ryoka invasion / pre-soul society arc. the second half is aizen-centric (from his pov told from the 3rd person) and set post-tybw arc, years after he was sealed away in mugen, also including mention of events from vol. 1 of can't fear your own world (a light novel that's post-tybw & can be considered canonical); so all this being said: SPOILERS i guess???? of course you're welcome to read if you don't care about spoilers! somewhat based on 'die for you' by the weeknd & even more loosely based on 'dark red' by steve lacy. contains themes of heavy-ish angst, existential crises (?) & inner emotional turmoil within reader + aizen (separately). descriptions of character death, blood and violence. descriptions of manipulation/mind games. aizen is an unkind man. proofread (i did my best).

word count ━━ 11k

notes ━━ ! the way this fic was supposed to finished a month ago...but life once more gets in my way. and the way that it's this long....i anticipated the max being 10k but i greatly underestimated how long it would take to flesh out my idea. anywho i'm somewhat reentering my bleach era again. i’m not sure what it is but character analyses in the form of fanfiction is my jam rn like i really enjoyed writing this (i got tired of the length by like... 7k words lmao) but i like how this turned out. i've watched & read quite a bit of content that provide explanations as to why aizen is the way he is so i wanted to try my own portrayal of that in the context of canonical events. how i characterized him here is partially inspired by a fic i read about him last year so shout out to them for their support :D i hope i've depicted and humanized aizen well ♡. reblogs + commentary are heavily appreciated!!!!!

THE PAD OF YOUR THUMB SLOWLY glided against your bottom lip, the lingering aftertaste of jasmine tea still on its surface and on your breath. The absentminded motion of your thumb caressing your mouth, as if in deep contemplation, continued as you stared at the clock hanging on the wall above you.

It was past eleven, and the midnight hour only continued to draw near as time sustained its temporal march. And there you sat at your desk, floating in the limbo of your mind that was filled with hesitancy and admittedly, budding anticipation.

Your gaze lowered to the now empty porcelain cup, nothing remaining of its contents except the shriveled remnants of herbs and a few wayward drops of the brew.

Your senior comrade, captain Sōsuke Aizen, was correct in his prediction that you'd take a liking to its floral and delicate taste when he gifted you a jar full of the jasmine tea leaves as well as other ingredients.

The captain of Squad 5 seemed to be correct about a lot of things.

His intelligence and foresight, along with his kind and politely witty disposition, were qualities that you found somewhat charming, and gradually drew you closer to him.

Being the current third seat of the 9th company, your barracks and those of squad 5's were relatively close to each other's, so often you'd catch glimpses of and run into Captain Aizen on a pretty normal basis. Over the years, the conversations that bounced between the two of you expanded past the realm of formalities between a higher and lower ranking officer, and instead ranged in territories from literature, to art, to food & drink, and even to the politics of the government for which they were soldiers for.

Sometimes, you found it hard to believe that you managed to befriend a man like him. A man who seems to have mastered the balance between being a gentle soul, helpful to others, but also possessed enough refined power and skills to be named a captain within the Gotei 13.

Especially a man who wasn’t even of your own squad.

Despite the increasingly friendly relations and generally pleasant conversation, there were few moments where Aizen's words didn't feel quite. . . . real━ he didn't feel real. He spoke eloquently, often relying on figurative language to further illustrate his point and to breathe meaning into seemingly plain and meaningless words. But at times those words, his tone felt stained; stained with some substance or color you couldn't quite place. An enigmatic façade was painted over his speech, and it took too much mental capacity to try and find your own meaning in it.

So you'd often brush it off. Your over-reliance on your own reasoning that 'you weren’t able to come to a conclusion because there is no problem a conclusion could be generated from' successfully quieted your mind’s voice. You'd also frequently blame exhaustion, or your newfound hobby of watching human psychological crime shows during your off days for these subconscious ideas you had.

But you feared that the request Aizen made of you yesterday, the source of your current predicament, couldn't be blamed on any of those things. You looked at the clock again before returning to stare at your empty tea cup. For what reason could Sōsuke Aizen wish to meet you outside of the 1st division barracks? Specifically at this hour? You immediately thought of his question as uncharacteristic of him but prevented yourself from jumping to any further conclusions.

Aizen was a reasonable man, and you were sure there was a reasonable explanation.

With a final sigh of acquiescence, you stood up from your sitting position to retie your yukata before slipping a thicker, dark colored haori on top. You were unsure how cold it was this late at night or how long you'd be out, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

You paused for a moment, glancing longingly at your vanity mirror a few times, clearly torn between a decision, before giving in with a soft groan. Grabbing your favorite perfume, you quickly spritzed the spray onto both your inner wrists, either sides of your neck, and stray areas on your clothes. You’d proceed to make sure your hair was in order and your lips were as moisturized and glossy as a pair of tear-filled eyes before making your way to the door and slipping on your sandals.

Meeting with a captain— with Aizen of all people— in the dead of night resembled too closely to forbidden lovers rendezvousing under a fruit tree to fulfill their desires of embracing one another, with no one but the moon as their witness. The comparison alone caused the apples of your cheeks to burst aflame with embarrassment, and you lightly chastised yourself for even indulging in such an inappropriate train of thought. Such a scenario seemed far too deluded to even be considered ‘wishful thinking’.

But those delusions still seemed to make more sense than whatever other conclusion you have yet to reach.

Making your way out of your personal quarters, you activated your shunpo technique, stealthily hopping from one rooftop to the other in an effort to make it to Squad 1 barracks quicker.

After several minutes, your mind mostly engulfed with the 'what if's', the soles of your sandals finally touched ground, and you stood a few feet away from the massive walls and bridges that connected to and from the barracks. Even at night you were able to make out the bold-printed kanji for the number 1 that was painted on the building.

When you arrived, even from a nearby rooftop, you didn't see anyone around. Feelings of confusion and worry began to creep up and flicker to life in your mind.

But, as if your thoughts were as audible, you felt a light breeze of wind behind you, a familiar sound that indicated someone had made their presence known.

Startled, you reflexively reached for your zanpakuto, when you remembered that you hadn't even brought it with you. It still laid against the wall near your bed, just where you placed it earlier when you were relieved of your duties for the day.

You didn't think you needed it necessarily if you were just going to meet with Aizen, hence why taking it with you slipped your mind.

The flickers of concern were swiftly extinguished as your brain caught up with your body upon realizing who just appeared. A relieved sigh left your lips, a breath of air that seemed to release all the tension that had a grip on your heart and wound tight within your muscles. "Ah! Good evening Captain Aizen. You caught me off guard for a moment there."

"My apologies, that was not at all my intention." The Fifth Division Captain sported a dark colored scarf, his long captain's coat and the standard shihakushō all Gotei officers were supposed to wear. In the sash around his waist resided his own sheathed zanpakuto. His tawny hair maintained its usual part but looked slightly tousled, yet still remaining so in a meticulous fashion that made it look intentional.

The state of his hair alone, and his current facial expression made Aizen look more . . . approachable if that’s how you were to describe it. There was a glint in his eyes that you had seldom seen before.

"Thank you, for making your way down here to accommodate my rather. . . . atypical request. I again extend my apologies if I have inconvenienced you in any way."

You shook your head in reply, "It's alright, I wasn't doing anything too important anyway. Just having a cup of tea and delighting myself in a book before bed."

You glanced downwards at the foot or so of space that was wedged in between the two of you. You forced away the murmurs of your lingering thoughts that took note of how the moonlight and shadows danced across the surface of Aizen's face just right, and emphasized his decidedly handsome features.

"But having a complete and good night's rest is important to be fully functional in all areas of one's performance. Wouldn't you agree?"

You couldn't help but chuckle softly. "Yes, I do agree with that sentiment."

Aizen all but hummed in acknowledgement, letting a moment of silence fill the air before speaking again.

"Shall we be on our way?"

You nodded in agreement, following him as the both of you walked about the First Division grounds. From what you could tell based on your position, your aimless nightly stroll drew you closer to where Sokyoku Hill was located. The area became increasingly more grassy and contained less buildings.

Although Squad 1 grounds weren't terribly far from either of your barracks, you still weren't sure as to why Captain Aizen wished to meet out here. Initially you thought that perhaps he was just fond of this particular scenery, but really it could have been anything.

But still, you believed Aizen always had a purpose for everything he did.

After several moments, his warm voice replaced the evening silence, vocalizing your current thoughts. “I assume you are contemplating why it is I have asked you here, and I’m afraid the reason is quite benign. Truthfully, I just wished for your company. I often go on night walks to clear my head after a long day and thought I might invite you to join me this time, and have a conversation with each other."

Your brows shifted upwards, for that was not quite the answer you were expecting. It seemed too . . . simple. “Really? You just . . . wanted to talk with me? Plainly?”

The Squad 5 captain let out a short, soft laugh at the disbelief that was painted on your face. There was an expression of fondness present in his eyes and in the light smile he offered you. “Yes, exactly. I quite enjoy our discussions actually, they’re intellectually stimulating and relatively pleasant. You crossed my mind, and before yesterday, it has been quite some time since we’ve had the opportunity to unwind and talk.”

You hummed an mhmm in agreement, tearing your eyes away from Aizen’s side profile in favor of the hem of his captain’s haori, watching how it danced in the soft breeze. It seemed to be less distracting than the way Aizen peered down at you from time to time.

"I see. I am. . . . truly flattered by your words, Captain Aizen; you're too kind. Forgive me for asking but," you took longer strides so that you could fall into step next to him━ as if to speak to him more directly, "Why at this time? To talk with me, I mean. It couldn't wait until more . . . . . conventional hours?"

He chuckled again, and answered as smoothly as if he were awaiting you to ask him that. "Unfortunately, today's tasks ran a little long today, so I had to stay at my office later than usual." The spectacled man paused for a moment, before setting his soft gaze on you, "And besides, that completely defeats the purpose of inviting you on a night stroll, doesn't it?"

You ignored the heat flaring up in your cheeks again. Your mind refused to move past the fact that you had crossed Sōsuke Aizen's mind enough times━ or the times that he thought about you were significant enough━ and highly enough to invite you into his realm and indulge in these moments with him, when he very much could have done that alone.

A tender smile appeared on your lips, more towards yourself than the man next to you. "I. . . suppose it does."

The ashen-white moon only rose higher in the sky, providing an ambiance of tranquility as the both of you talked about whatever crossed the surface of your minds. Other times, the stillness of the night did the talking, and you'd listen to the leaves, and the wind, and the crickets sing together in harmony. Gradually as you walked and the beaten path grew more narrow, your figures drew closer together, until you could feel the long sleeves of his haori brush against your own.

You hadn't noticed that the two of you eventually stopped walking and paused under a tree until Aizen struck up conversation once more. When he called out your name in that gentle, velvety voice, you swore your heart was going to lurch out of your chest. The sound of your name rolled of his tongue so smoothly, the desire to hear it again grew within you.

"Uh━ yes, Captain Aizen?"

"Are you satisfied with way things are at the moment?"

You stood next to him, perplexed at his inquiry due to its vague nature. "Um, what. . . . things? I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking."

The wind brushed Aizen's dark ochre tresses across his face as he took a step towards you, like the breeze itself was pushing him towards you. "Hm, perhaps I should be more clear then. Are you content with being a soul reaper? Are you satisfied with being a soldier for the Soul Society?"

With your brows slightly furrowed in thought, you remained silent for several seconds and overanalyzed his every word, trying to predict where he might be steering the conversation now. The longer you thought it over, the stronger that nagging feeling from within your soul became. The one that often told you what he was asking wasn't exactly . . . it didn't quite feel . . . . .

"This feels like a prelude to another insightful discussion on Shinigami━ and by extension━ Seiretei politics." Your words cut off your own thoughts, as if your mind was trying to sweep something under the proverbial rug.

Aizen huffed in amusement, before lightly shrugging, leaving your statement definitively unanswered.

You sighed as you seriously considered his question this time. "I mean sure, I guess. I'm somewhat satisfied with my job and all of . . . this," gesturing your hands in the air around you to emphasize your point. The 5th Division Captain made another humming noise, indicating that you still had his full attention. He inched a little closer into your personal space.

The mere action caused your next words to die in your throat and a quiet chuckle resounded from his, before your thoughts revived themselves again.

"Of course things could always be better but. . . . y'know. This is just how it is." You weren't quite sure if you should voice negative opinions about the Soul Society so plainly to a senior officer, even if he was the one who asked you in the first place, so you treaded lightly.

The same plainly relaxed smile from earlier remained painted across his lips, held in his chestnut irises was an emotion akin to affection. He seemed somewhat pleased that you were expressing your thoughts with him.

“And you? Are you satisfied, Captain Aizen?” You were unable to keep the teasing endearment out of your tone as you returned his gaze, casting aside the notions of Gotei officer seating and ranks for the moment. The air seemed like it shifted━ towards what, you weren't sure of━ but it kind of made you feel like you were adrift, floating in isolation from everything else around you.

It was still hard to process that you were alone with Captain Aizen right now. . . . at night.

A low hum reverberated within his chest, contemplative in nature as he replied, “Perhaps.”

The wind whistled lowly again, erecting goosebumps on whatever part of your skin happened to catch the midnight breeze. You fought the instinctual urge to twitch towards the nearest source of heat, which happened to be Aizen. Now that would be even more wholly inappropriate than the 'lovers meeting at midnight' scenario.

The silence between the both of you was brief, but comfortable nonetheless. Once more his mellifluous voice cut through the quiet, leveled and calm, like still ocean waters.

“Come. I want to show you something,” Aizen reached his arm out towards you, your spine as straight as if someone stuck a metal rod dipped in ice water down your robes.

The captain's movements seemed steady and slow━ it had felt like time itself had hesitated for several moments. You thought he was going to . . . . well you weren't sure what he was going to do, and that's what you made you nervous.

Was he going to touch you? Cradle your cheek? Remove a stray leaf that happened to land on your head? You were left somewhat dangling in anticipation, not daring to flinch backwards because you felt it would be disrespectful or offensive. You hadn't even blinked, subconsciously fearing that this was only a very vivid daydream.

But alas, when his arm drew near it extended past your head, slightly above you, and held a small branch in his palm it like a delicate flower. You released a breath you didn't know you were holding, but that breath drew short again when your gaze was eye level with his lower neck and chin.

He seemed . . . . closer.

“I think that regarding the condition of the Soul Society," Aizen began in a quiet voice, referencing his own reply to his earlier question, "and therefore my thoughts about it, is akin to this set of leaves on this branch."

Snapping out of whatever stupor you seemed to have slipped in, you exhaled softly before stepping back a bit to look at what he was talking about. In his palm he cradled a wayward branch that grew from one of the other sturdier branches of the tree. The green foliage of its arms had started to weaken and dull in color. The cold air due to the seasonal transition to autumn caused the leaves become brittle, nearing closer to the edge of death.

The sound of just how brittle they were resounded in the air when Aizen thumbed the leaves in between his fingertips, observing their texture with pity laced in his small movements.

"These leaves will fall off as it gets colder. And soon, the rest of this tree will be bare as well. When the time comes, when the right circumstances fall into place, the old die to make way and usher in the new; it's simply the way things are. I think of the Soul Society government is structured in a similar manner."

You hung onto his every word, like he were imparting crucial wisdom to you. Even though you were a bit confused on the last part, and on the connection between dying leaves and Soul Society, you still listened intently, waiting for him bridge the gap between the two.

"The Soul Society as it is now can be thought of as a season. And this particular season, this climate has remained so for several centuries. How can nature continue━ how can we continue to progress when the old have yet to be washed away by the currents of time? It defies that of nature, yes?" He directed this question at you specifically, in search of your agreement.

You nodded your head, tearing your gaze away from the branch and directed it at the grass beneath your feet. Your brows furrowed a little as you mused over Aizen's words. He gave a rather ambiguous answer before but now, his words sounded like vague displeasure and muted criticism. Everyone was entitled to their opinion, and on some fronts, you'd sometimes agreed with the 5th Division Captain. The Soul Society was far from perfect, too much emphasis on nobility and status, the government resembled too closely to an oligarchy . . . But you didn't━ wouldn't voice these thoughts, though.

Instead you hummed quietly under your breath. There was that tugging sensation again. This time it told you that there was something deeper to this conversation than meets the eye. But what could there be? Was there anything at all or were you just overthinking it?

The voice-like sensation in your soul was calling out to you, but you couldn't hear it that well or quite make out what it was saying. It's as if someone was calling out to you in a crowded room that had music playing on the speakers: you felt like if you listened hard enough you could make it out but ultimately, the result would fruitless.

"And when that happens," Aizen continued, "sometimes nature has to be gently nudged back on track to keep things moving smoothly. That may require . . . shaking the tree. Pulling a few harmful weeds from one's garden, so to speak."

"Weeds?" You echoed. You felt like you understood this analogy and therefore what he was trying to say, but at the same time you didn't. Or was it . . . . you didn't want to understand what he was implying?

Because if you were interpreting his words correctly, if he were inconspicuously comparing the higher-ups and the government itself to dying leaves and harmful plants that needed to be removed, then . . . .

"You, dear child, are a mere weed in this scenario."

Wait, what did he just━

Your thoughts were cut short when a gush of air that smelt strongly of Aizen━ warm oak, vanilla, and a kind of musk that you weren't sure how to describe but was still pleasant all the same━ brushed against your face and took you by surprise.

But there was another aroma that arose, steadily becoming more apparent alongside the increasingly painful throbbing feeling you felt in your abdomen.

It smelt metallic. And it was something that you've smelt all too many times before.

It was blood.

Your gaze that was initially narrowed in confusion lowered as it followed the source of this pain. Your eyes slowly widened in as you struggled to comprehend the blade that was currently ran through your torso.

Aizen's blade.

"Actually, instead of weeds, a more accurate and befitting analogy perhaps would be blades of grass. You unfortunately have to step on them in order to reach the weeds you want to remove."

You couldn't really focus on what the captain was saying, because your brain was still struggling to process what the hell just happened. Your hands slowly rose from their sides and shakily grazed the zanpakuto, wanting to believe that if you touched it, it would pass right through your fingers like mist. But no, the sensation of cold steel was as real as the robes you wore on your back. You only just now are processing the muffled squelching sound of his sword impaling your flesh.

You wanted to scream, to cry in pain, to vomit, to push him off━ something. But all you could do was stand there, stunned, words completely failing you. "Wh. . . . what? Why did . . . . you . . . . "

A cough replaced your attempt at a comprehensive sentence, and you tasted iron in your mouth.

Fuck....was this really happening?

"Please don't push yourself trying to talk," His voice was like an index finger to one's lips, similar to a parent's gentle caress to quiet and sooth their child, "You'll only hasten your death. And I'm sure you wish to know the reason for my killing you, yes? You'd have to be alive for that."

'Killing me?' 'My death?' The certainty that rang in his words chilled the blood in your veins, and they confirmed the one conclusion you hoped wouldn’t come true: that you were going to die.

The frigid embrace of fear and dread engulfed you from behind and you shivered, causing the blade snugly lodged in your organs to shift. The pain of that foreign object moving even a little bit shot through your entire body, causing a groan to emerge from your throat.

Desperate to conserve your energy and the oxygen that was becoming a little harder to take in, your breathing became uneven and a little wheezed. Even then, you couldn’t bring yourself to meet the gaze of Captain Aizen to confirm if this was really happening or just an extremely realistic and vivid nightmare. The sight you might be greeted with could be more frightening than the actual impaling of his sword.

As if his betrayal couldn’t actually or figuratively cut you any deeper, just then there was a noise that grew louder and louder within a matter of seconds until it was almost deafening. You’ve distinguished it to be the sound of glass crackling.

Your surroundings formed cracks everywhere on its surface, like it was just an oversized window. Even on the grass you stood on, or what you thought was grass, began to crumble away.

A dumbfounded but panicked look was plastered on your face when your world literally shattered around you, the only remnants of it being you and the Captain.

What was underneath the mirage━ or you should say, the fact that it was a mirage at all━ only disturbed you and increased your perplexity.

Slightly hunched over and breathing heavily, it took a minute to process where you were, but you noticed that now the two of you stood in a formal room that looked like it was used for important meetings. The lights in the room slowly started to brighten, most likely due to motion sensors. Even with Aizen's scent lingering in your nose, you could still pick out a rather stale aroma that hung in the air like dead fruit that hadn't fallen off the tree.

"Is . . . this Cen . . . tral━ "

"You are correct. Where we currently stand is the assembly hall for Central 46, the judicial power of the Soul Society. All judiciary as well as legislative trials and proceedings are held here."

All around the room were seats with partitions, the kanji for 1 through 46 printed on them. In the seat for the 19th member, your gaze caught onto something on the translucent barrier. It was a little farther up so you had to squint your already blurring vision to see it properly.

You saw, and your heart promptly sank as a result, eyes widening once more.

There were splatters of a dark colored substance on the partition━ undeniably blood. And the lithe, bony fingers of an older man laid lifeless, peeking out from the side of the screen like the appendages themselves were trying to escape from the body they were attached to.

That man . . . was dead. That stale aroma you smelt was the stench of death.

It was only after that unsettling epiphany did your eyes dart frantically around the room and realize that every member of Central 46 was dead.

The disturbed expression on your face only intensified as your stare was pulled back down to where Aizen's blade still resided in your body.

" Cap.....Aizen," you uttered, swift to correct yourself. All the moisture in your throat dried up like water underneath the unrelenting rays of the sun. You kept gulping your saliva in an attempt to assuage the sensation, but relief only last for a fleeting few seconds. "Did you ━ you killed them . . . didn't you?" Your question was laced with shaky hesitance and swelled with apprehension, fearing that you already knew his reply even before he answered.

There was a moment of silence and a hum before he replied. "Smart girl."

The muted mirthful tone in his voice sounded like sarcasm, and it was enough to finally draw your attention away from everything else and directly look at him. Almost instantly, you regretted it.

His umber tinted gaze was colder than you remembered. You couldn't find anything in his eyes that hinted that all of this was just a big misunderstanding, or a dream, or that Aizen had a secret sense dark and complex humor.

This was your first, and apparently your last time, that you have ever felt a fear such as this. Your mind was struggling to comprehend this was the same Aizen that spoke with you so gently, full of encouragement and wisdom. The same man that recommended you books to read and gifted you tea to drink and gazed upon you like . . .

Well, none of that mattered now. In this moment, Sōsuke Aizen wasn't the same man anymore. This Sōsuke Aizen was someone else, and it frightened you.

"When?" you croaked, your voice no longer sounding like your own. Nothing felt real anymore. "W-When did you . . . . . how? Why?"

Another noncommittal hum resounded from the spectacled man as he closed his eyes, feigning the action of thinking of an answer. When he reopened them, his narrow gaze returned to you.

"Everyone in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads was previously aware that the ability of my zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu, allowed me to confuse the enemy using bodies of water, mist and even moisture in the air in order to attack. However, that is not my zanpakuto's actual power; there is more to it than just simple confusion. Kyoka Suigetsu's true power is Complete Hypnosis. Essentially, when someone looks at my blade, I am then able to take control of that person’s five senses, causing them to believe that something is real ━ or that something isn't real. In a way, once glancing at my unsheathed zanpakuto, that person forfeits their sense of existence to me. Kyoka Suigetsu is quite flawless in its deceptive abilities."

A heavy silence, aside from your uneven breaths, endured in the space between both of you. You didn't need him to spell out what he was trying to say.

It was all . . . . an illusion. A convoluted, premeditated illusion. And you walked right into it without even knowing or considering, that it was all fake.

The Fifth Division Captain inwardly smiled at the despair clearly written on your face as he watched you mentally put the pieces together. He took your lack of reply as a sign to continue. "The members of Central 46 have unfortunately been dead for quite some time now. And as for your question of why......"

The taller man stepped towards you which inadvertently (or purposely, you began to fear), drove his sword deeper into your abdomen without warning and slight force. You bit down on your bottom lip hard to stifle your exclamation of pain. In an attempt to somehow resist him, with the little strength you had left, your hands automatically took purchase in his oversized sleeves, but it did nothing. You found it ironic that you could feel how warm Aizen was underneath his robes, but his soul was anything but.

" . . . . I believe I already mentioned it earlier, yes? All flowers die eventually and the weeds......must be removed."

At that moment you remembered that tugging sensation that told you something felt off in some instances whenever you talked with Aizen. This must have been what it was. Damn it all. You still didn't understand exactly what bad things Central 46 and the Soul Society have done to cause his actions, but based on what you've been told and your current position, it must have been heinous. Again, you actively swallowed the urge to vomit.

"You . . . you lied. I can't believe━ how could it have all b-been a lie?" Another nasty cough rattled your body, followed by a shiver and a groan.

The brown-haired man slightly tilted his head, like he was truly confused. "Lied? Hmm, well. I suppose you could put it that way based on your limited knowledge of the circumstances, but I wouldn't put it that way. Besides, this isn't really about truth or lies. It is, and always has been, only about the reality of what is. And what is, is that you were unable to anticipate my deception. No one could, because it was outside the domain of your thoughts. What is, is that the current way the Soul Society operates is tainted, and I shall be the one to remedy it."

You drew another shuddering breath and looked down at the ground with a grim expression as your blood continued to pool at your feet. Briefly, you even considered unsheathing yourself from his blade and take the chance to make a run for it, but the chances of you making it to the outside world, let alone coming across someone before you bled out and died were slim. Besides, it was clear that you couldn't even trust your own senses anymore after Aizen demonstrated that he had complete control of your reality.

Which reminded you of something else.

" . . . when?" you asked the same question again, but much quieter than before, despair palpable in your voice. 'When and how did you subject me to your zanpakuto's Complete Hypnosis?', is what you were really asking. And being as intelligent as he was, the spectacled man understood.

Abruptly, with a large palm on the small of your back, Aizen used his gentle hold grip to pull you towards him in order to close the remaining distance, causing him to drive the remaining length of his zanpakuto all the way through until the tsuba of his blade rested against your stomach. You looked like a skewered piece of meat.

You didn't have the willpower to hold back the piercing shriek of agony and physical anguish as tears sprung forth from your eyes. You could no longer tell if your blurry vision was due to your tears obstructing your sight or if it was from being a step away from death's door.

"Do you remember . . . the first time we met?"

The hand that rested on your lower back slowly glided upwards until his fingers found your jaw. With a tenderness that reminded you of a time before his betrayal, he lifted your chin and guided your gaze to look at him directly. His thumb moved to graze your bottom lip just as you've done mere hours ago━ as if he knew that, as if he watched you do it. His thumb was dangerously close to slipping inside your mouth and that both excited and scared you. Your breasts against his, your breaths synchronized with his, your body and his were fully pressed against each other and it made focusing on his question more difficult.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The first time . . . we met? Sure, with a little bit of effort you could easily recall the first time you formally met Aizen. It was sometime in the spring, and you remembered him running through combat formations with his lieutenant and the rest of his squad. But why d━

A silent gasp left you. Another epiphany, another figurative blade piercing your heart.

Battle formations, and he . . . offered you to join them . . . his zanpakuto . . . . .

Confusion crumbled away, and was replaced with vacant horror and sadness. It seems you've already been defeated, for many, many years now.

Aizen seemed to murmur something under his breath, a pleased sound you couldn't quite decipher. His mouth brushed over yours, rendering you literally speechless, before he closed the distance and brought your lips together. You could barely process what was happening.

It was ironically tragic how soft and skillfully gentle his lips were against yours. The kiss felt longing, like a departure between two sweethearts and their last meeting together. It also felt heavy and final, making you want to cry.

And you did. Silent tears streamed from your eyes and rolled onto the fingers that still held your face so affectionately. The captain reacted by guiding your chin up a little further, dipping his head a little lower, so he could deepen the kiss. You weakly scorned yourself for thinking about how the two of you must really look like lovers now, sans the sword sticking out from your back.

Oh, how cruel this was; how cruel he was. It was cruel for him to kiss you like this, hand still splayed on your back like he needed to touch you stay sane. And how cruel it was that still managed to enjoy it, even as you stood there dying. Your lips moved together in tandem, slow and almost passionate, all while tears stained the apples of your cheeks, drying up the plush youth that once resided in them.

Aizen's tongue had slithered its way into your mouth, and you suddenly felt like crying harder. There was a tart, sweet flavor lingering on his tastebuds, and you absently wondered what is was. Perhaps hibiscus from tea, you surmised. And he too tasted the sweet jasmine and citrus that clung your tongue and lips. At this, he chuckled quietly into your mouth, humming before retracting from you by a few inches so he could speak.

"I knew you would like the tea. It's sweet and flavorful, isn't it?" You hated how low his voice was, how its timbre pleasurably vibrated and rumbled against your lips, and you hated that lidded stare he gave you. You again thought it unfair that you couldn't even revel in the rare sight of Aizen's lips slightly wet because your lips were intertwined with his.

"I have to thank you for humoring me and my recommendations. I really appreciated it. And I also," you winced loudly and cried out in affliction as Aizen finally began to withdraw the sword from your body, "must to bid you farewell now. It seems you don't have any more time left, and this has dragged on for longer than it needed. I'm not surprised you've held out for this long, as I already knew you possessed commendable strength. But alas it wasn't enough. I am sorry that you have to die; it's rather regrettable that you happened to be that blade of grass that ended up underneath my foot."

Another wail was yanked from your chest as he steadily removed his sword from your abdomen. The pain was becoming excruciating, you would have collapsed by now if the taller man weren't holding you.

You saw two things before the light in your eyes had all but faded away. The first were the colors of faux pity and apathy that swirled in Sōsuke Aizen's irises, spiraling like a storm that was certain to wreak havoc in its wake. His gaze was devoid of any regret or remorse; the final metaphorical nail on the coffin. The second was a small smile.

But this wasn't one of his smiles you were familiar with. No wait . . . . the one you knew was simply a veneer of what is.

This smile was slanted, the corners of his lips tilted upwards and was sharp. Sharp enough to cut open your already gaping wound further and completely tear you apart, spelling out your demise. It looked insidious as if it were hiding razor-edged fangs. This was what is; Aizen's real smile.

"I. . . I see. Aize. . . ." were the last words you were able to manage. You didn't have the strength to be upset or hurt any longer, so you gave in to the exhaustion.

Your body permanently relaxed, long lashes veiling your now empty eyes as your arms lifelessly dropped to your sides. The captain found a disturbing amount of pleasure in his name being the final word you attempted to speak before succumbing to the sleep of death.

And even after the fact, the facade of doomed, star-crossed lovers persisted as your body slumped backwards. Aizen's strong forearm wrapped tightly around your waist being the only reason you didn't fall to the ground in a puddle of your own blood.

That day was the last anyone saw of you, your zanpakuto still laid idly in your room, its spirit destined to forever wander in the afterlife between worlds alone, eventually fading from existence without ever feeling the presence of its master again.

They had declared you missing by the end of the next day. Lieutenant Hisagi was probably the most perturbed about your sudden disappearance. Days, weeks passed, and they never located you. The Gotei 13 was left unsettled by the lack of progress, but ultimately had to rule your case inconclusive. Some believed that you were simply killed by a stray hollow, or even ran away from your duties because of the stress.

The news of what happened spread like wildfire across all the squads, that a high-ranked officer just up and vanished without a trace. The spirits and morale of the thirteen companies dampened, sorrow and worry swelling like a festering boil.

And that boil burst when Ryoka infiltrated the Soul Society, and when it was revealed that all of it was carefully orchestrated by Sōsuke Aizen.

Like a blade of grass that somehow snuck into one's sandals or in between their toes, during his time in Hueco Mundo, images of you flashed in his head at unexpected times when his mind was quiet. He'd remove the grass, tossed you aside, and moved on with his day. There was no room for you in the grand scheme of things. Such reminisces were beneath someone like him.

And yet.

He'd always find another piece of grass from the greenery he stepped on whenever he advanced a step in his plans. There you were again.

It was common knowledge that if you kept repeating the same action over and over, it will eventually wear you down.

━━━━━━ 鏡  ━━━━━━━

It was dark, and there was nothing.

There had been nothing for quite a long time now. Utter darkness and the abyssal shade of black engulfed every inch of Aizen's body and surroundings.

He saw nothing, the seals over his eyes too opaque to let anything through. And even if they weren't obscuring his vision, he would barely be able to see three feet in front of him; there was seldom a few lanterns in his cell to begin with. He felt nothing but the bindings that kept him imprisoned in one of the deepest pits of the Seireitei. At times it felt like even his internal organs had stilled in their functions. He heard nothing but the unrelenting quiet of his cell within Mugen's maw. The only thing that served as proof that he hasn't spontaneously grown deaf yet was the occasional muffled noise that originated from outside of the entrance. And even then, he could hardly hear much of anything.

Such is an ironic fate for someone who, with a stray thought and a glint of his blade, could control someone's senses and take away their free will to experience those senses in their reality. And now, he was stripped away of all of his in nearly every capacity.

Sōsuke Aizen was rendered stationary and stagnant, qualities he detested and were the antithesis of his ambitions and plans, perhaps even his existence.

Aizen had always believed in being in control of your own destiny and making your own choices; if you had the opportunity and the power to change something━ especially if it was something that was wrong, unfair or immoral━ then one should be able to move towards that goal by making change, even if by force. The former captain had always been intentional about his actions and his desires right from the start.

And yet, here he ended up.

Spending years strapped to a chair in this dark, cloistered hole, Aizen had nothing but time to reflect the reason for his arrest: that orange haired Ryoka boy, Ichigo Kurosaki. He had nothing but time to admit to himself and settle on the conclusion that his last battle with the substitute Shinigami . . . did something to him.

Fighting the Ryoka boy ignited something inside him that he previously believed would forever lay dormant.

The thrill of a challenge.

Adrenaline was injected into his veins with each clash of their swords, spreading far and wide across every inch of his body. It no longer reacted in the measured, calculative manner he had programmed it to, but with unadulterated, pure instinct and raw power━ all in an effort to not only withstand such potent spirit energy from his opponent, but to come out on top and win.

It made him feel alive.

Aizen's desire to be the victor in battle and in his philosophy━ to prove himself right━ both fueled him and consumed him so thoroughly it led to his own downfall. That was a rather difficult fact to acknowledge; so much so his head started to pulsate intensely whenever it crossed his mind one time too often.

All of it unfolded right in front of his eyes and yet . . . he didn't really see it happen.

As time passed during his perpetual incarceration, with hooded eyes, the former captain spent an unfathomable amount of time tossing and turning every single event that led him to this underground prison, even pondering his temporary release by the Head Captain Kyōraku to fight in the war. Scenarios both minor and significant displayed itself in front of his mind's eye as if he were watching a film.

Every so often, a blurred visage of your image would make a brief appearance, like the flickering sparks of a match before they were able to come to light, fading away into the void and were overshadowed by his other thoughts. It was as if his own consciousness and intentionally muted any manifestations of your existence in his memories. As if he wasn't able to or allowed to see them━ to remember you for too long.

Mentally reliving moments from the last several months, years, decades, centuries━ trying to analyze each moment and decipher where it could have went wrong━ turned out to be quite an exhausting task. His mind and body would grow heavier with inertia, and eventually he would succumb to the alluring pull of slumber. After some time he would rouse from his sleep, and continued from where he left off.

These were his daily activities day in and day out (even though he had trouble distinguishing day and night in his chambers) for years. He saw a positive side to it though. He'd instead think of it has him getting stronger because he had spent so long . . . thinking. Ruminating. Contemplating every possibility in the past, present, and future. His mind would become as sharp as his zanpakuto.

Aizen had always been intentional about what he did, what he said, and how he conducted himself. He was sure in his abilities to orchestrate an image━ a belief for others to have faith in, and act on it in order to further his goals. He was always sure in that image, knowing who he was and what he stood for.

Or at least, that's what he thought.

Aizen wasn't consciously aware that his certainty in this crafted image had already begun to waver. He could not and was unable to anticipate how severe these small fractures had become until after a certain lieutenant paid him a visit outside his cell of confinement, right before he was scheduled to be thrown back into that dark hole of the Mugen.

Lieutenant Shuhei Hisagi was quite emotive when he burst through the doors. His expressions were contorted in volatile mixture of frustration, anger and sadness. His emotions were every which way, directed at everything that has happened so far, including himself. He was especially emotive at Aizen specifically for what he did to former captain Kaname Tosen and 'corrupting him with his twisted ideals.'

Aizen found amusement in that.

Before he was rolled away by the punishment force and therefore out of earshot, a particular set of Hisagi's words caused the small, content smile on his lips to uncurl ever so slightly. "Everything . . . and everyone that has ever gotten themselves involved with you has been trampled on by you and your ideals one way or another, and they all end up dead. If you think what you did to Captain Tosen was justified━ to call it mercy . . . . . then there is truly no justice in this world. You will . . . forever be the enemy in my eyes."

There was a trembling anger in his voice. Pain that wanted to cry out and be set free but, the thin lid of reason prevented it from doing so. And after a moment of silence, the corners of Aizen's lips curved upwards once more. A little bemused, a little more wolfish this time. He maliciously imagined Hisagi's reaction if he ever discovered the true reason for your disappearance.

But instead, all he said was. "What an interesting thing to say, Shuhei Hisagi. Your conviction is admirable." Any evidence of emotion that might have been reflected in his sepia irises was swallowed up and obscured by the darkness of the Mugen's jaw.

The cracks in Aizen's sense of self, in his beliefs, in the image he invented started to cave under the weight of Hisagi's words before he himself realized it was happening. They were like stains in the fabric of his mind that refused to come out.

What puzzled him more, was that with each attempt to figure out just why Hisagi's words echoed in his mind, they all lead back to you, the third seat of the 9th squad. Annoyingly so.

The tattooed lieutenant hadn’t said anything particularly profound ━ at least, Aizen didn't think so. Your name didn’t even fall from his lips. So why were memories of you and your likeness the only clear thoughts he could make of Hisagi's speech? Was it because he was aware of how close the two of you were? He doubted the reason were that trivial and insignificant.

His thoughts grew more discordant by the day, his soul a little more weighted than usual. Perhaps these new seals that Urahara had fashioned actually had an effect on him, Aizen thought. It made sense. His intellect, other than his own, were the only ones capable of creating such effective restraints.

After a while, he had a revelation. This was a different kind of weight.

This heaviness, the closest word he knew to describe it as . . . . was loneliness.

Time taunted him as it seemed to drag on━ Aizen grew even less sure of how much━ when he came to this realization. Hisagi's words were a clear mirror to the loneliness that echoed within him after what happened to you and to Tosen. It was so . . . potent, that it seemed to strike some chord in Aizen he had never heard before.

Such a chord, this sound of loneliness, it was strange and uncomfortable; he wasn't very fond of this sensation. He'd try to scrub it away, but it was all for naught.

His eyes had slid shut at some point, his ruminations leading to dead ends and wearing him down. And, almost as expected, there you were again, in all your translucent glory. The hem, the sleeves, and even the smell of your yukata slowly dragged across his dreams, haunting his thoughts like a lonely wraith.

And Aizen hardly dreamt of anything.

When he regained consciousness he was plagued with yet another epiphany. An additional reason behind this newfound depth.

Aizen's own loneliness. Guilt. Much to his own quiet horror.

How foreign and unusual a thing like guilt is. It was like looking into a mirror and not recognizing something you had never noticed before, but wondered if it had always been there.

But the thing Aizen did recognize, how lonely he actually felt, was something he had hoped would never resurface again. It was a notion he hadn't had the time or regard to consider━ 'loneliness'. Its only purpose, if any, was solely to serve as a motivator. At times though, it was more like a hindrance.

Something akin to nausea slowly started to bubble up in the pit of his stomach, but he suppressed the sensation before it became any more intense.

What of his previous actions did he need to feel guilty for? He hadn't felt it then, so why would he feel it now? Again he ruminated such a question endlessly into oblivion.

The former captain had no doubts that his plan to remove the Soul King, and therefore the Soul Society's sins, were necessary.

Nor did any hesitancy about removing the opposition or dead weight━ whether shinigami or arrancar━ existed.

He certainly had no reservations against killing Kaname Tosen, for he knew the man well enough to know that Tosen would have been so thoroughly appalled with what he had become, it would have drove him mad.

So what was it, then? Why were such useless emotions as guilt and loneliness being amplified n━

"Y....know, S....."

Even covered by the seals, Aizen's eyes widened and his brows were slightly furrowed in distress. Had his mind finally tipped the scales of sanity and madness, to the point where he was hearing things?

It was quiet for several moments longer, before his senses caught onto the sound of water dripping onto a hard surface.

One drop at a time.

Its cadence a little too rhythmic to be natural. And for a second time, he heard that soft, ominous sounding whisper. Its voice a little clearer this time.

"You...know.....Sōsuke."

In the second it took for his eyes to flutter shut behind its seals to blink, when he reopened them, he was no longer sealed to the walls and floors of the Mugen, nor was he surrounded by every shade of darkness imaginable. His limbs and senses were finally freed to breathe for the first time in what felt like ages.

That relief was short-lived when his senses absorbed the unending landscape of water underneath his feet, water lilies lifelessly floating on its surface, and the dim sky illuminated by a full pale moon.

Aizen was in his inner world, and now he was aware of how he got here, or rather who brought him here.

"You . . . already know the answer to that question, Sōsuke." The voice was even more clear, its sentences more comprehensible. And it sounded it eerily like you.

Why the voice was impersonating your likeness had caught him off guard for half a second, but he realized it was only the work of his zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu.

An illusion it may be, there was an untouchable quality about your voice and how you spoke that even Kyoka Suigetsu couldn't replicate.

A few feet away from him, the water was disturbed by a being emerging from the depths. Ripples formed around a manifested version of his zanpakuto, who took the form of you, smiling ever so gently. The smile felt airy, and it didn't seem like the same one that haunted his dreams and every waking thought as of late. It felt....knowing.

Still, the former captain couldn't be bothered to maintain eye contact with his sword spirit, so he turned around and opted to keep his unreadable stare trained on the vast expanse of water and white lilies.

"It's been quite a while since I have stepped foot into this realm. There must be something you want . . . Kyoka."

The zanpakuto chuckled, it sounded like the way you would softly laugh at one of his clever quips. But this wasn't you.

He didn’t want to admit that something about that fact didn’t sit right with him.

"Judging from your tone, would I be correct in assuming you don't want to be here?"

Silence rang out within the soul scape, before Aizen interrupted it, his gentle voice colored a shade darker, and a little rigid. "And I fail to see the reason why you must take that form when you revealed yourself to me. Is your aim to get a reaction out of me? Or something along those lines?"

Your eyes━ the eyes of Kyoka Suigetsu━ narrowed at its master's back, as if they were trying to create concavities in his skull. But the expression was washed away the moment it appeared, the serene smile from before was back in place.

"You know . . . it's considered quite rude to not look at someone when you're addressing them. That, and when you deliberately ignore things they say. Your manners have been deteriorating, Sōsuke. Tsk, tsk."

Kyoka-dressed-as-you suddenly appeared before him, as if they had teleported. Even when they were in his peripheral vision, Aizen still maintained his stare off into the distant nothingness.

"Unless, you can't find it in yourself to look at me. . . that's correct, isn't it? It's because I look exactly like her, right?" The zanpakuto continued to provoke him, taking a step closer into his personal space.

With an exasperated sigh, his eyelids fell shut for a second, using that time to gather the strength he didn't know he needed, and directed his gaze to meet his spirit's. Aizen's face gave nothing away, but his heart lurched about his chest when his bronze eyes met with yours, or what was made to look like yours. The undesired affect it had on him was all the same.

"If you wish to chastise me about manners, I suggest you take your own advice. You didn't answer my first question, either: what is it you want? Why am I here?" Again the former captain chose to not address the other parts of Kyoka's statement. For the sake of his sanity and his thinning patience━ or was it to preserve his resolve?

Its smile widened a bit, moving another step closer to their master. God, Kyoka even smelled like you, mimicking your signature honeyed scent that Aizen didn't realize he found so intoxicating until this very moment.

"I called you here to save you from yourself."

Aizen remained silent, only narrowing his eyes in speculation. "Meaning?"

"Didn't I already say it earlier? I think you already know what I'm talking about, Sōsuke. You've always known."

Fate's pairing of Kyoka Suigetsu with Aizen was a match crafted from the spindles of heaven, but also a maddening curse pulled from the depths of hell, for they complimented each other a little too well. The zanpakuto was too perfect a reflection of Aizen and his soul, looking at it started to hurt his eyes.

His sword spirit insisted that he already knew the reason for his coming here, and perhaps he did have an inkling the moment the light of epiphany was shone on his profound loneliness and guilt. But that couldn't have been what it was referring to . . . . could it?

"You cannot feign ignorance here, my dear Sōsuke, however I do find it rather humorous you bother trying. If you'd like, I don't mind humoring you by spelling it out for you. I'd be glad to unearth the truth that you have buried in the most neglected corner of your heart."

"When you were . . . . subjecting yourself to such mental torment, it had an affect on this world as well. The ripples, the waves in this scape become quite . . . tumultuous." The nuances in your voice were perfected by his zanpakuto, but the way it talked sounded like a fog that was gradually closing in from over the horizon. The uneasy feeling that resided in his chest traveled down to his stomach, but Aizen's face remained steely, even when Kyoka Suigetsu took that final step to close the gap in between them. "And the reason for that, the reason why Hisagi's words rattled you so is because you regret killing that woman."

The creased line in Aizen's brow grew more prominent as he stared down his sentient sword spirit. With its breast pressed against his, they placed a hand on his clothed chest in a tantalizing manner, but he felt nothing. There was no warmth from its palm, much unlike when your hand touched him. There wasn't even a cool sensation either. Even minutes before your death, your touch brought a soothing heat that permeated through his shihakusho and penetrated his skin.

Kyoka's face grew nearer, their smile━ although still tender looking━ grew cold at its edges, nearly resembling that of a predator eager to see despair reflected in the eyes of its prey. It didn't fit the graceful allure of your face at all, and seeing this expression deeply unsettled the former captain more than he would like to admit.

"You regret . . . killing me."

A chill tore through Aizen's body, the weight of Kyoka's words adding onto the heaviness that still hasn't been alleviated from his heart; he was hardly able to suppress the involuntary shiver.

Without warning, Kyoka's mouth suddenly became dangerously close to their master's, its lips brushing against his in a provocative manner. Aizen's expression darkened when he realized that it was reenacting his last encounter with you when you were alive. His mouth started to grow uncomfortably dry, despite his soul scape being full of moisture, and there was a taste on the back of his tongue that's been lingering there since he arrived.

The lilt in Kyoka's tone continued to taunt him. "That is the reason for your guilt: regret. You have been in denial. And in the spirit of unearthing truths, I suppose I can admit that perhaps . . . . I've been . . . . encouraging said delusions, adding drops of fuel into the flames of your emotions and ambitions. But after all that's happened, when it comes down to it there's no point in continuing this hallucination any longer. I've grown tired of this game, so it's time to for you wake up now, Sōsuke. I've brought you here to release you from your own illusion, to completely shatter it."

Aizen's back was as stiff as a board, not moving a millimeter when Kyoka's lips grazed his again. They were breathing softly onto his mouth, but he hardly felt any puffs of air.

The former captain was having a rather difficult time processing the fact that his zanpakuto had its own agenda and had been manipulating his emotions without him noticing. Specifically the emotions he felt towards you.

He never truly believed that such a thing was possible, one's own blade having such a deep-rooted influence━ no, control over their master. Or would it be more accurate to say that he never expected himself to be controlled to such a degree? He that prided himself on being freed from the marionette strings of fate that were tied to his limbs and mind, he that relished being able to do what he wanted, think what he wanted, feel what he wanted━ or what he didn't want━ it was hard to believe that none of that mattered in the end.

Kyoka Suigetsu's deceptive abilities were indeed undeniably perfect. No one, not even Aizen himself could have anticipated that Kyoka's most absolute and complete hypnosis would be enacted on himself.

"Do you know now, Sōsuke? Do you understand?" Kyoka's voice was as soft as a whisper, but it couldn't hide the edges of its tone that were still sharpened from finding amusement of seeing the truth flash across its master's face. "You had destroyed the solution to your existential question of loneliness, before you could fully understand the question itself."

Yes . . . . . Aizen understood now.

He didn't bother acknowledging what Kyoka had said. His grim facial expression━ still, tinged with dolor, and paired with an indescribable, distant look his eyes━ said all that it needed to. His silence was as much as an admission as any.

Kyoka-dressed-as-you leaned forward again to fully close the gap between their lips and Aizen's. Tenderly, like the intentions of a lover, it spoke against his nearly closed mouth. "Have you figured it out yet?"

Nothing but quiet could be heard between them, as Kyoka's mouth moved about their master's face and placed something like kisses upon its surface, but not quite.

Aizen's cocoa-shaded eyes slide down to stare at his sword spirit pressed up against him. His gaze was hard, and yet something swam underneath its surface that his zanpakuto had never seen before. Melancholy, it guessed? They weren't quite sure.

Kyoka pressed on when Aizen remained quiet. "The taste in the back of your mouth. Have you figured out what it was? You know it quite well....."

Aizen's tongue grazed the roof of his mouth, sensing the rather unpleasant taste that has coated the inside of it. And within a moment, because he was faced with the current circumstances, Aizen had finally placed a name associated this particular taste. How unfortunate this was.

Upon his realization, Aizen's head lowered, and his brown tresses hung freely over his lashes. Perhaps it was so Kyoka couldn't properly see whatever remorseful expression painted their master's face, but it mattered not. Even from here, the sword spirit could already sense exactly what it was he was feeling.

And they loved it.

"It's a sweet and flavorful taste, isn't it? Quite lovely." Kyoka Suigetsu mimicked the exact words he uttered against your lips all those years ago when he tasted jasmine tea on your tongue, and sealed your death with a kiss. "It's too bad you don't seem to enjoy it anymore."

Aizen's chest continued to rise and fall calmly, and the hands of his sword spirit that rested there glided upwards to cup his strong jaw, caressing his skin with its thumb. Its phantasmic touch did nothing to stir their master.

"Sōsuke, do you know what the jasmine flower from that tea symbolizes?"

Aizen's lips were slightly parted, but again he didn't say anything. Instead, its corners twitched and lifted upwards by an inch, and he huffed softly.

Kyoka Suigetsu grinned in reply. "Good."

The next time Aizen blinked, he was plunged in darkness yet again. The restrictive feeling that swallowed his being whole had returned, and was an indicator that his zanpakuto had released him from his inner world. He was consciously back in the Mugen, back in this abyss they called a prison cell.

Kyoka was indeed as much as a formidable force in its own right, as much as, if not greater than Aizen himself.

The conversation he had with his sword spirit would be cemented in his head for all eternity. When he grew senile and began to physically wither away, the one thing that would remain vital like a young heart, was this epiphany that he had. This realization that he actually . . . .

As the chains of despair bound him tighter to the bottom of the metaphorical pit, regret and his loneliness corroding his flesh and spirit like metal exposed to moisture, a stray memory of his time in Hueco Mundo flashed in his mind. He recalled having tea prepared for meetings with his Espadas and he could not pinpoint when, but at some point, Aizen developed an aversion for jasmine flavored tea. For one reason or another, he no longer found its taste appealing; whenever he drank it, it always tasted bitter.

Now that reason had become painstakingly clear.

The binding on his mouth muffled a rueful chuckle at the though, and it trapped the flavor of jasmine on his lips.

(#) @soaringmirror @stygianoir @ryukenzz @blkjupiters @chrissie2003 @nymphoheretic @dejwrld @triangularz @souyaszn @kuujo @honeybleed @valentineluvu . let me know if you’d like to be apart of my tag list ♡♡.

[piastri-lover]

who would have guessed; alex albon

summary: in which you and alex are dropping hints about your relationship, and yet no one seems to be getting the hint

pairing: alex albon x celeb!reader

author's note: i fucking love alex albon and this prompt!! icl i dont know he's so underrated but i enjoyed making this sm xx

INSTAGRAM

yourusername 📍tulum, mexico

liked by pierregasly, zendaya and 17293057 yourusername summer time x view comments

-

user1 i love y/n so fucking much

user2 wife

user3 are u kidding i was lit in mexico two days ago and NOW the queen is here -user4 lit flew out this morning i could have met my wife

zendaya having fun? ;)) -yourusername don't know what u mean by that --zendaya ill keep my mouth shut

user5 after 3 months of oppenheimer filming y/n prob needs a break -user6 she slayed as jean though --user5 100%

user7 mexico is my country and i'm so glad u love it liked by yourusername -user7 omg y/n liked my comment im done

user8 whos she with -user9 idk but someone def took that 3rd photo

user10 why is pierre in the queen y/n's likes?? -user11 i bet he forgot to switch accounts and liked without thinking --user12 ariana what are u doing here

~~~

TWITTER

~~~

~~~

INSTAGRAM

yourusername 📍tulum, mexico

liked by sydney_sweeney, landonorris and 32017295 others yourusername thank u for the restuarant reccomendation, we loved it xx view comments

-

user13 mother is mothering

user14 she's so fit -user15 that scene in oppenheimer changed me as a person

user16 THERES A BOY -user17 omg omg omg this is not a drill

sydney_sweeney y/n... -yourusername ill call u later and fill u in babe

user18 first pierre, now lando -user19 the entire grid is simping for y/n and tbh i don't blame them

user20 the soft launch is beginning -user21 im so ready to analyse every screenshot to try and work this out first

user22 i need that dress

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

alex_albon replied to your story:

alex_albon ur fans are going wild on twt rn

yourusername really?? i haven't checked

alex_albon mhmm like they havent stopped speculating for hours im sure i saw someone ship u with fucking lando

yourusername he is kinda cute...

alex_albon oy

yourusername im kidding we still going out for dinner tonight??

alex_albon yup its me and you, george and carmen and lando lol

yourusername all good

alex_albon pick u up at 8?

yourusername counting down the minutes baby love u x

alex_albon love u more x

~~~

landonorris

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and 4103549 others landonorris my fave couples (im so alone) view comments

-

user23 umm

user24 lando babe i dont feel like u were supposed to post this

georgerussell63 he's passed out and i dont know his password idk what to do -user25 george are y/n and alex dating??? --georgerussell63 no lando was just feeling a bit silly

user26 george trying to defend alex and y/n when we obv know they're dating

alex_albon i let him take one photo and ofc he does this -yourusername at least we look cute --alex_albon we always look cute baby

user27 i wasnt sure about alex but look they're so wholesome

user28 im j wondering how tf alexander albon pulled the y/n -user29 me too --user30 like nothing against him but y/n is... well y/n

landonorris wait i thought this was my private

landonorris so so sorry -yourusername ur buying me a drink when we next go out --landonorris done and done ---alex_albon my girl has expensive taste lando u have completely shot urself in the foot

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

yourusername

tagged: alex_albon liked by zendaya, pierregasly and 51294856 othersyourusername lando ruined my softlaunch(🖕🖕) but anyway i kinda love him so be nice xx view comments

-

user31 no bc theyre acc cute

user32 i hate to have to share my wife but it would be with him

landonorris ive apologised 1000 times idk what more to do -alex_albon she had the entire thing all planned out but no lando norris had to intervene --yourusername honestly im heartbroken i might need another bottle of champagne... ---landonorris fuck off y/n the last bottle was like £1000

alex_albon leng -yourusername appreciate it bro

alex_albon the last photo❤️❤️❤️-yourusername love u big man

user33 omg i hope we get to see her at a grand prix soon -yourusername im def coming to spa and we'll see after that

williamsracing already saving a seat for u -yourusername i cant wait xx

user34 dont know whether i want to be alex or her

user35 bi awakening -user36 fr

user37 sleeping on the highway tonight -landonorris ill be joining u --user38 landos so real for that

[frogserotonin]

overthinker- lars pinfield x reader

a/n: short one bc im still in a slump rn many sorries. also sorry lawl this fic is so disconjointed and i’m really unhappy with it but whatever 😭 warnings: nothin proper i don’t think, most ooc lars to ever ooc, unedited; tell me if i've spelt smth wrong 😁

“Would you want to go out to get some lunch together on our break?” Your fingertips bounce off of the sides of your legs as you try to remain composed. You're so high-strung right now, you almost expect him to laugh in your face. Nerves and the effects of having slept a fitful two hours last night override your usually rational brain and you feel the need to just run away without receiving an answer bloom in your chest.

“I thought you usually brought lunch? If you forgot to bring some you can have some of mine, if you want.” Lars doesn’t even look up from what he’s working on, just adjusts his glasses and uses a vague jut of his elbow to point to his locker, where you know his bag is. Your heart simultaneously drops and stutters. 

“Oh, it’s okay, I just felt like going out to eat, thank you though.” You try to make your words seem more upbeat than you feel, unsure of whether or not to take his words as a rejection.

“Oh. Okay then.” It must be your imagination, but his words hold a hint of disappointment. You open your mouth again, then close it, and silence re-envelopes the room. Turning, you make your way to your desk and begin to work away, dejection slumping your shoulders forward and making time drag on. When eventually the lunch break arrives, you grab your bag and rush your way out of the lab.

A squeak of shoes on the concrete floor behind you almost has you looking back, but your brain is so addled you almost believe you’ve made it up.

Like a fool, you don't talk to him when you come back, or when you leave, the time you spend alone and in silence building up an anxiety in the back of your mind. The idea that he's all too aware of your feelings, and is made uncomfortable by them and your advances overtakes you completely. That night, you stay awake, tossing and turning, over analysing every interaction you've ever had with him, trying to make sure you've not overstepped and made a complete and utter fool of yourself.

In the morning, you consider it a miracle you leave the house at all, with how tired you are. The thought of calling in sick crosses your mind, but by the time you get up your body automatically locks itself into its usual routine, and you mindlessly get dressed and make your way to the Ghostbusters facilities. Through your drowsiness, the realisation that you’re at your desk and doing absolutely nothing sets in and you jolt. 

“Good morning.” If he didn’t sound so concerned, Lars would sound thoroughly amused. “You alright? Look a bit…off.” Your face flares, and you go to stand up, only to stumble and almost fall on your face. Hands out, you stabilise yourself, and then face him.

“Yeah. Morning.” You can only hope that he backs off, because his concern seems too genuine for your feelings to not expand exponentially the more he stands before you looking like he cares. “M’feeling just peachy, you?.” Belatedly, you realise your words are clearly not convincing because he doesn’t move an inch, simply studying you. He then sighs and shakes his head, chuckling a little bit, just softly under his breath, taking a couple steps closer to you. 

“When’s the last time you slept?” His voice is too gentle, too un-Lars-like, that you’re almost convinced you actually did fall asleep last night, and now you’re dreaming. You open your mouth to respond, but find yourself nodding off as you do so, the last thing you process before fully passing out is the feeling of arms around your chest and shoulders. 

When you come to, you sit up quickly, and slowly become aware of what had happened. Muttering cursing to yourself under your breath, you take in your surroundings, finding yourself slung over the small couch situated in the room reserved for taking time off from work briefly. Hurriedly, you rush out of the room towards where you assume Lars is working, apology already on the tip of your tongue. You approach him quickly and loudly, a fact that can be gathered from his head immediately snapping up when you enter the room. He starts to speak, no doubt to rattle off reasons why you were irresponsible and stupid for coming to work while being aware you weren’t at your fullest capacity, but you cut him off.

“God, I’m so sorry. That was humiliating, and I’m so, so sorry that it happened, it won’t happen again.” You bow your head, refusing to look him in the eye, but quickly look up again when you hear him laugh. 

“It’s fine, really, you just scared me a little bit.” His smile is small, but sincere and you remember fully the reason you were in the predicament in the first place. “Are you feeling better now?” 

You probably look a bit crazy with how vigorously you nod, but you barely care anymore. 

“Yes, thank you so much, really, I’m sorry that it happened.” He laughs again, and it sounds like heaven.

“You don’t need to thank me or apologise,” Lars’ eyes sparkle a bit behind his glasses when he properly smiles, and you can feel warmth rush to your face. He hesitates, like he’s calculating his words, then gently says “I-uh. I care for you a lot, it really meant nothing for me to make sure you were okay.”

[ohmyeyesmyeyes]

social media shy

f!potterer!reader x quinn hughes

warnings: swearing

(sidenote: qhuggyhes is quinn's private account - only mentioned once)

liked by analuisacorrigan and 25,145 others

ynofficial: holy mac'n' cheeseballs i'm gonna be in vogue

view all comments

fan1: *takes deep breath* I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

fan2: no more gatekeeping, only girlbossing

fan3: we must gatekeep her from the stinky men though

fan4: you're so beautiful

fan5: i actually can't wait

liked by jackhughes and 34,136 others

ynofficial: can someone get me a cat? i'm in desperate need of a housemate that purrs when cuddled. a cat would also keep me company in this big apartment

view all comments

fan6: my grandma's cat just had kittens and she's in vancouver if you're interested?

ynofficial: ooh yes please!

fan7: what's wrong with your current housemate?

ynofficial: he smiles and falls asleep on me and leaves vancouver for work often :/

fan8: what's wrong with a smile?

ynofficial: it makes me like him even more that's what's wrong

liked by _quinnhughes

qhuggyhes: please don't play the guilt card i WILL fold

liked by ynofficial

fan9: repping lana as we should

ynofficial: the one and only

liked by drewstarkey and 33,197 others

ynofficial: meet harley!! she's so adorable i just want to cry...also she's an incredibly annoying bedmate at times (but she's cute so i'll let her off)

view all comments

fan10: you're a crazy cat lady now, welcome to the club

ynofficial: i'm honoured

fan11: i'm assuming harley is the cat?

ynofficial: your assumption would be correct yes

trevorzegras: and harley is YOUR cat?

ynofficial: stfu yes

jackhughes: i see what you did there. clever.

ynofficial: idk what you're talking about

fan12: why the sudden influx of nhl players?

fan13: i don't even know who any of them are

ynofficial: neither do i

liked by lhughes_06 and 42,192 others

ynofficial: i want you to know i take being a cat mother very seriously and that i'm going to start referring to home as HQ for personal reasons

view all comments

lhughes_06: HQ being harley and...

ynofficial: you used to my favourite

lhughes_06: what am i now?

ynofficial: on thin ice

fan14: pretty sure luke hughes has a brother called quinn

fan15: yeah he does

fan16: quinn is in the second photo and i think the last?

fan17: wait does hq = harley/quinn????

_quinnhughes has added to their story

liked by analuisacorrigan, zoeydeutch and 53,971 others

ynofficial: new 'dainty florals' set on the market!

view all comments

fan18: are you on the market too?

fan19: LMAO no

fan20: i'm analysing her hands now

fan21: POV you're here bc of that twitter thread

fan22: me

fan23: the moon mug is giving fairy garden and i love it

liked by ynofficial

liked by lhughes_06, bradytkachuk and 78,182 others

_quinnhughes: been busy lately

view all comments

fan24: babe we all know *wink wink*

fan25: that's definitely y/n

fan26: quinn rn: sorry i haven't been posting i've been having a lot of sex

fan28: everyone knows

jackhughes: and i'm still patiently waiting

liked by _quinnhughes, _eliaspettersson and 61,513 others

ynofficial: congrats on your-

view all comments

fan29: -record breaking of 263 games to assist 200 times?

liked by ynofficial

jackhughes: 🐔

ynofficial: bet

fan30: even the fucking cake is canucks themed

lhughes_06: if you don't i will

ynofficial: it's cute you think i'll let myself be blackmailed

fan31: it's impossible for it not to be quinn at this point

liked by ynofficial, trevorzegras and 71,480 others

_quinnhughes: i was told to say 'alexa play cornelia street' as a caption

view all comments

bradytkachuk: you're so whipped

liked by _quinnhughes

fan32: this is literally the same place y/n posted in her last post

jackhughes: TAG HER

fan33: jack losing his patience is all of us rn

_quinnhughes went live 3 minutes ago!

liked by ynofficial, _quinnhughes and 89,134 others

jackhughes: because these two IDIOTS are refusing to actually do anything about it, i'm taking the matter into my own hands for my and your mental health. this is ynofficial and _quinnhughes and they are 100% dating and 1000% in love to the point where it actually melts me. thank you and good night

view all comments

lhughes_06: i didn't think you'd ACTUALLY do it

jackhughes: do not underestimate me

_quinnhughes: and then you wonder why luke is y/n's favourite

fan34: WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!!!

liked by jackhughes

ynofficial: i hate you

jackhughes: you wish you did 😘😘 

fan35: i love how y/n and quinn are so private that the only way their relationship would ever get exposed is if someone did it for them

fan36: fr they fit each other so well

fan37: THEY! ARE! PARENTS!

fan38: omg y/n has a harley and a quinn in her life

fan39: HQ makes sense now

[mazzystar24]

What I don't get is why people think it's problematic to still wish for Buddie. Like isn't it worse to be happy just because he's with a dude now. Like so you didn't ship Buddie for their amazing chemistry and history, you just shipped them because they were two hot dudes.

(This is not directed at people who are enjoying Tevan for the ride, this is about people who jumped completely)

((obviously bi Buck is important, but I don't think seeing it as a step towards Buddie is bad. We've been waiting for something like this for so many years))

Sorry but this is all that’s in my head^^

But yes yay now I get to have my rant-

The fact that so many people genuinely just wanted buck to end up with a dude is just

Look there is wanting representation which I GET I am all for

Then there is not caring about anything to do with that representation as long as you see two hot guys kiss

Representation without substance, meaning and actually changing what we usually see on screen is just so surface level

and listen we are ALL guilty of that thing where we hear about a show with a queer couple and we instantly get excited and rush over there but some of these people don’t give a shit about the storylines as a whole, the characters as a whole, character development, etc all those things that make representation MATTER

Like we aren’t just happy that bi buck is canon because oh look here’s a bi man character

No we are happy because we got to see his development we got to see his insecurities, history, his personality and his bond with these other characters through the years. Now look I’m not saying oh look at this fictional character think about his feelings, I’m saying that characters and their complexities drive a story they are what make me invested whether it’s a book a movie or show, and to not care about any of that just for the sake of tokenism is insane to me

I also feel it bares mentioning that this is one of the RARE times that this representation in media isn’t a case of tokenism like they’ve taken a character and built him and built the show and built the dynamics outside of his sexuality and made it canon in season SEVEN like Tim and Oliver and the entire team did something we don’t see much or ANY of in media like the way they made it is like we have this journey with the character like it’s a double blind test ( sorry I’m revising for a psych exam rn and my brain can only use that analogy) and until the reveal seven years in we don’t know for sure even if there have been inklings and people are more focused on the fact that oh look some hot dude kisses another in this show

Like genuinely ship what you want to ship and enjoy the time but don’t disregard meaningful potential representation which would have 1. A character navigating sexuality in a situation as complex as Eddie’s 2. A gay couple which wasn’t planned and they actually listened to fans for 3. A well done queer slow burn with the same gravity and meaningfulness that straight slowburns get

Thank you for the opportunity to rant anon🫡

Sorry for the long ass reply😭😭

Edit: also wanna add that yes I’m in analysing media mode because I also have sociology revision on representation in media🤭🤭

[issyyhearts]

dont read if u dont wanna or cant hear about body image and like sadness rn <3

chat idk what the hell just happened but I was talking with my friend about boys and laughing and now I'm so fucking sad and idk what the hell to dob

like I posted some pictures on my snap story and now I'm over analysing ny body and how it changes in the photos like logically I'm aware it's gonna look different cuz it's two different angles but my brain just isn't agreeing with that you know

but then at the same time I'm thinking how is nobody noticing that I'm struggling so horrendously bad with my body image and food rn like I've tried saying that my clothes don't fit and that I've lost weight, I'm clearly not having many meals considering I don't fucking go downstairs other than for my dinner, I don't even finish my dinner, I keep asking for foods like salads and such or that "ill do my own food"

I'm leaving my room (which they can hear my house has super thin and squeaky floors and walls) to stand outside our bathroom with our full length mirror for a bit then go back in my room. do they not find that weird? I know that they're seeing me cover my stomach around the house, I know they're seeing me grab my hips and my stomach and my legs because how can they not

one of my friend even replied to one of my stories saying "it kinda looks like you have abs but in a good way" amd ik she didn't mean anything malicious but it's draining me having nobody notice even the one who used to care so much and has gone through it herself but now that I'm sm worse she can't notice

it's just draining me so much and i know your probably thinking oh if I care this much I should probably just say something but I can't because I don't even know if I want to get better like I know I do but I don't want it to be ME that makes that decision you know but at the same time I want to get better because I don't know how much longer I can keep dealing with my brain it's so just overloading and draining and schools coming up and I just don't know what to do anymore

it doesn't help that I'm going on holiday soon and I'm gonna have to be eating in front if them all and even worse my dad said we're giving to go to this cake shop every day I can't do that I can't hate myself even more which I know I will if I do that

I just don't know what to do

sorry for ranting guys erm bit awks

[siennaditbot]

Kim Possible x Ron Stoppable ship analysis!

I'll go through the episodes I know have something shipping related and analyse the moments and try to think what the characters are thinking!

Edited the final movie stuff btw! It's better now! Also now with pictures and GIFs!

S1 EP1: Crush

Ron doesn't really like Mankey (says his name mockingly) or the idea that Kim likes him. He later mentions this in So the Drama ("I was never in favor of that but I was there for Kim.")

I like how they're comfortable enough to talk about their crushes. In the past, sure, but now as well!

"We always go together." (To dances? What other "school functions" are there?) I kinda really wish we could've seen one of those. Like it was obvious to Ron that they would still go together! Idk how American schools work and how many dances they'd have been to at this point, but they really must be comfortable with each other to go to dances together like that. Just two pals having fun!

Neither is jealous of the other planning to take a date to the dance. A bit awkward and taken aback, sure, but both seem to be fine with it. I'd say neither is crushing at this point, but as mentioned earlier, Ron isn't fully on board with the Mankey thing even if he helps Kim with it.

Ron might ask all the other girls to the dance cuz he feels a bit left out? Not jealous left out, but a bit lost cuz it's a new situation?

"Contrary to popular belief, I am not dating Kim Possible." Proof that at this point they are aware of the idea of them being together, even if they aren't for or into it. Not a new concept, but not one they'd consider. Ron also tries to help Kim with Josh with this, clearly caring more about their friendship than whatever he thinks of Mankey.

Ron really encourages her to ask Mankey to the dance. "You can handle this!" Sweet guy.

S1 EP8: Mind Games

Small thing but Ron says that Kim is pretty <3 ("smart, athletic, pretty and popular")

Ron (as Kim) has a soff face when they practice cheerleading and are back to back <3 Looks at her, smiles and closes his eyes and leans against her <33 No idea why though. Kim has a similar expression but she just enjoys doing the routine, she smiles the whole time. Could be platonic "I like to be close to her", could be him subconsciously appreciating the closeness in a different way? No major "crushage" though.

S2 EP2: Grudge Match

Kim's had a crush on someone and now Ron has a crush. I don't think they have feelings for each other at this point since both are pursuing other people.

More open talking about feelings. Both are so supportive.

Ron's very aware that people might think they're a couple doing couple things (doesn't want Zita to see them coming out of the movie theater)

Kim's all "yeah, so?" and "you.. and me.. on a.. date?" which imo means that she doesn't think of them dating as a thing that's likely to happen.

Ron, on the other hand, goes "it could happen!" which tells me that he's more open to the idea and has maybe considered it before. Not enough to act on it but is aware and not as much against it as Kim. Still very much thinks of Kim as a friend more than anything else since he's into Zita rn.

Kim goes "I'm gonna say something that I've never said to you before", and Ron seems unnecessarily shocked or interested? To me it seems like he might have expected her to confess or smth like that based on the convo topic, idk.

S2 EP11: Exchange

Ron is clearly interested in Yori. Stares and swoons and stuff. Wiggles his eyebrows like an idiot lol. Super happy about her kissing his cheek. ("Yeah I love this place!!") Pointing this out since he seems different when they meet later in S3.

S2 EP13: A Very Possible Christmas

First of all I love how much time Ron spends with the Possible family! He joins their Christmas party <3 Seems like it's not his first time joining, either.

Also Kim, really, a cyber scrapbook of their memories together?? That's adorable. I'd cry too. Platonic but super cute.

Two hugs in this ep. Platonic but super cute.

They're really sweet to each other. Ron wanting to give the best gift to Kim and Kim looking all over the world for Ron.

Lol, does Drakken ship it? He puts them under the mistletoe. Ron found it though... Who put it up? Drakken does put the ribbon thingy on it so maybe he did.

They aren't that awkward about it, but Ron does laugh it off and Kim does give him a quick peck on the cheek. He says a positively surprised "oh" and touches his cheek with an awkward smile. He's a bit taken aback but doesn't seem to think about it too much, and neither does Kim. It's platonic to her it seems?

Ron's more confused than when Yori kissed him, since the girls are different to him? He doesn't celebrate like he did with Yori. Intriguing... "Yeah!!" vs "Oh!"... I think his reaction to Kim's peck is more genuine? Less "mr popular ladies man"?

"Season's greetings from the Possibles"? I see you there Ron lol. He's part of the fam.

S2 EP19: Blush

Again, Ron's not super into the Mankey business. ("Mankey-monkey conspiracy")

Ron says he "Finds the whole 'dating thing' overrated. Who would subject themselves to that?" Is that jealous talk or has he not had great experiences with it before? The Zita thing did crash and burn pretty fast at least. Maybe he also thinks of how Kim turns into a mess around guys? Degrading? Embarrassing?

"So he takes you to dinner, you two see a movie, big tap-dancing whoop! We do that stuff together all the time!" I see you there Ron. He compares their time together to dating...... More to mock the concept of dating than saying that they're like a couple? Does sound a bit jealous though..

He's much more negative towards him than in S1 EP1. Intriguing... The romantic-platonic levels might be changing there..

Kim's call log is mostly Ron. That's sweet. Probably platonic but sweet.

He gives her an awkward thumbs up when he saves her and lets her enjoy the rest of her date. That is an uncomfortable face though, Ron... I'm definitely moving him into the romantic category at this point. He likes her, but doesn't know it?

Kim's still platonic and very into Josh. Maybe.

Sitch In Time:

Could be (and really should I think) read as best friends being separated, but since I already put Ron in the romantic category, it hurts just a little bit more. Still tough to lose a best friend though, so no major "crushage" yet imo.

Ron wants younger teen him to grow to be a "babe magnet" but that's just his typical "mr wanna be popular" speaking. He does dumb stuff like that later as well. Also none of that happened? Time travel stuff?

Oh yeah now we're getting to the good stuff

S3 EP1: Steal Wheels

"Official Ron night". Cute.

Platonic but Kim's jealous of Ron spending more time with Felix.

I understand the whole "he's my best friend!" stuff but also shows how possessive she is of him?

S3 EP2: Emotion Sickness

Ron wants to protect Kim from seeing Mankey with Tara. Sweet dude.

Kim's over Mankey. "Grew apart. Time to move on."

Ron's bummed out about not realizing that Tara used to like him. Doesn't wallow in it though, which seems to me like he never had that much interest in her.

Ron's super awkward when Kim goes all flirty, and I'd say it's because she's not acting like herself. Been odd all day. Says that she's freaking him out. Weird enough for him to run away from her.

Monique asks if Kim liking him is not good and Ron goes "I don't know, it's not that I haven't thought about this.. I mean who hasn't..." Which really tells us that he has considered it before. It's not a new thought to him.

The 'who hasn't' part though? Who hasn't shipped them or who hasn't thought of Kim liking them? I'd say it's the first. People do often think they're a couple so it's once again understandable that he's considered it as well.

Ok, the kiss. He's surprised, but definitely into it. Fully kissing back and embracing her, even though she's "just a friend" to him and obviously acting weird. It's not gross since he doesn't pull back. He's not against it, even if it's a "in the heat of the moment" kinda thing.

If it was Yori or Zita? Would probably somewhat kiss back too. I think he'd have a different expression though. Less content, more confused and awkward idiot playboy? Would let them do "most of the work" and not fully embrace like that? He just wasn't as comfortable with them.

If he didn't already like the kisser? If it was a pretty girl he might have just stood there all confused but let himself be kissed (see Bonnie in S4).

Idiotic grin afterwards? "Whatever you say"? Would probably have a similar reaction to Zita or Yori kissing him, but I still say there would be more awkwardness and celebrating aka babe magnet stuff. Also important to note, he liked those two. Kim is getting a similar - if not better - reaction.

He seriously considers dating Kim.

"What's not to like about Kim? I mean she's smart, cute... Dating could be good, you know, the date thing."

Still, he's super worried about what it could do to their friendship. I read this as him not being ready for it or feeling like it isn't natural - which, of course, it isn't. Being friends is more important than this unnatural thing that's going on, even if he does get kisses out of it.

"We're a great team, but dating could complicate things." Understandable to be afraid of change (he is bad with that), but I think it's mostly how unnatural and sudden it is.

Would probably swoon over any pretty girl talking to him like that, but there is a hint of "I knew Kim was pretty but wow." in there imo. Definitely not a platonic reaction there my guy. Uncomfortable but into it.

"So I guess the crush and everything was all moodulator, huh?" he says while looking sad and disappointed. Guess he did want it to be real after all?

Kim's "Not everything. There's still fireworks." though? Confusing. Is that her straight out admitting that she thinks there's something there? She does say a few eps later when Ron's bummed out about not getting that Yori liked her that "you got me", so maybe she just likes to stay stuff like this?

Also Ron is so happy about her words with his "You think so?" and is a bit disappointed/confused? again when Kim points at the sky.

My headcanon is that Kim's really starting to get feelings and realize there might be something there after this episode.

S3 EP4: Bad Boy

First things first, cozy movie night. Friends do that too, but I've been there. More special if there's feelings there. Which both have at this point.

Ron hasn't managed to get a date with him before (to a wedding) and goes "Unless.." and looks at Kim. Immediately awkward, tugs at shirt, looks away. He considered her a date-date for a bit there.

"Not that I'm asking you." That wouldn't be as awkward if there were no feelings there. Friend date. Both are thinking of a date-date. Which is awkward to think about cuz they're still just friends.

First time Kim seems to actually react like Ron does. Awkward and in denial. Both label it as awk-weird. See above.

Ron is intrigued about Kim liking bad boys. Both that and girls liking bad boys in general cause more babe magnet shenanigans. Definitely tryna attract other girls though.

"Thanks for being my date- uh, friend", he says. They do go together, and everything's fine. A bit funny of Kim to make sure he doesn't think of it as a date-date though. Maybe she just hasn't accepted her feelings yet? Ron's happy to call it a date though.

S3 EP9: Overdue

Shego asks Ron where Kim is, and he goes "She's not my girlfriend!" very suspiciously. Leaves me a bit confused though. At least shows that he's been thinking about the possibility? Linking the gf term to her as well. Such denial can only mean he'd prefer the opposite.

"Ooooh... Awkward...." with a laugh too. That's very suspicious my guy.

S3 EP12: Gorilla Fist

Happy to see Yori ofc, but clearly lacks the "OH YEAH YORI HI" factor. A lot chiller. Over her, into Kim.

Kim's very jealous. If it wasn't obvious before, it is now. She's interested.

I feel like Ron's trying not to make Kim get the wrong idea about Yori when they first meet. "She's not my secret girlfriend!!" type of talk imo.

"I knew he crushed on someone when he was there!" Very platonic of you Kim. Makes one think.. Has she had some feelings for him all this time? There's the "It took 12 stinking years for you to kiss me!" in S4 so it's not impossible. Small, 'not wanting to accept them' kinda feelings she's tryna cover up with other guys? Who knows.

More great denial. Aka the opposite of what she's saying. Very jeal.

Ron's super smug about Kim "freaking over about his friend Yori". Happy about Kim being jealous huh? Dude's so in love already. Cute.

Ron's not super phased about being caught by Yori. Business like usual, nothing special there. No swooning.

Kim asks about their relationship, obviously curious and jealous. More ok with her now though. Shocked about the kiss though.

Ron has a calmer reaction to Yori's cheek kiss than before. Eyes widen and he smiles, laughs in a flattered way? Still different from S2. Immediately tries to explain to Kim what just happened lol.

He's only a bit disappointed when Kim tells him Yori actually liked him.

"Why can't girls be more obvious? - - How am I supposed to know what's going on?" "Well, you got me." Very sus of you Kim. Even says it a bit shyly I think? Indirect confession? Not that indirect though. Ron still misses it.

And finally, some notes from So the Drama:

Cute how Ron grabs onto Kim when they're falling. He know she protecc.

"Captain of the chess team. Or worse." She makes a scared face? An 'oh no' type expression? It's really emphasising how, at least in the context, Ron is anything but boyfriend material to her. I know Bonnie's talk is affecting her, but she really shows no trace about having feelings for him in S3, which she absolutely did have btw!

"Is there anything sadder than going to the prom with your 'just a friend'?" A bit confusing, Kim. Does she want someone else, or does she want to actually go with Ron? As more than friends? Or does she think she's unlovable and a failure n stuff if she doesn't bring a romantic partner? That's more likely, but one can dream.

"I mean, a "date" date would be nice, but a stinking 'bf'..." Another confusing Kim line. She was looking at Ron before speaking. I'm reading it as 'a real date with someone (else? Not actually sure if she's excluding him with that) would be nice, but I wish there was at least a guy', which is pretty much how the Finnish dub put it. It clears this up a little. The tone of the conversation is that she'd like a "proper" boyfriend who's not like Ron and fits better into the food chain etc so this makes sense I think. Kim's so difficult.

"I'm gonna end up with Ron!" "Mom, he's not a guy, he's Ron!" He's "obviously" not boyfriend material! I love denial and whatever but she really doesn't seem to want to accept the idea. Bonnie is affecting her yadda yadda but still! Stuff like this is why I think everything after the confession happens a bit too quickly. She acts like he's the worst case scenario which is a bit odd for someone who kisses him not that much later, right? Is she covering up her existing feelings out of fear she'll be mocked? Has she just not come to terms with her feelings yet? I can't accept her coming to like him only after and because of his confession, that would be too shallow of her, and odd since she was this against it earlier. She's not that desperate for attention. There was definitely something there before, but she's just not willing to see it until he confesses?

Hooked up? "Eww. Kim and me? No, no, no. Best friend since forever but not like that." The denial sounds genuine, I guess he just hasn't realized or accepted his feelings at this point. But then he's immediately uncomfortable by Eric's "extreme steam" comment. "Let's not talk about her that way ever again." To me that sounds protective. He does not appreciate others talking that way about her. Hint of jealousy? Doesn't wanna think about her like that himself? Confusing.

Immediately jealous and uncomfortable with Eric's advances and Kim's obviously positive reaction to him - he knows how Kim acts when she gets a crush. Cue sad montage. It's kinda funny how he still hangs out with them on their dates btw. Doesn't wanna give her up? Friends don't join their friends on dates though. Did Kim's parents make him be their chaperone? Could see James doing that.

More and more jealous as time passes. He angy. Dramatic "cooties in the area"! Understandable. They're barely noticing him anymore.

I always thought he took the pepperoni off the pizza cuz Kim and Eric had a silly moment related to it. He seems like the kind of guy who would like pepperoni otherwise.

Probably feels betrayed as well. Kim was so quick to say bye to him. Barely even looked at him. He could see it as 'Bye bye, this person is more important to me now.'

Still a good friend though and immediately goes to help her find her dad when asked. Manages to act normal as well. (I'm kinda mad about how useless he's in the action scenes btw.)

Ron's monologue about his feelings is the best scene in this movie. I love that stuff. He goes pretty far back as well with the locked braces thing, which is part of the 'she's been with other guys before which I wasn't in favor of but I was there for her' talk. I wonder what he thought of it all back then. He was a really supportive friend at least, helped even if the situation was uncomfortable or odd.

"Something's different now. There's something between us... Who am I kidding? That's not different. Something's been there a long time. I think there's something there. Does she?" Peak. (I've quoted that so many times here, it's so good.) Also now I kinda have proof of this, having gone through a lot of the series just for this post. For how long though...?

He's finally willing to look at his feelings properly and puts everything into perspective. Comparing this to the 'Emotion Sickness' monologues? He's less afraid of change. He's feeling different enough to want to actually go for it this time. The situation is more dire, but more real.

"There's something there". Does he figure out that Kim's been showing signs of feeling the same? The "Does she?" is probably him wondering if she's realized it too. The "something" could be anything from S3's awkwardness to smaller changes in their dynamic from S1 and before. Suddenly not going to dances together and having to think about this stuff more.

He's actually saying that he wants to date her. "Kim's worth [telling her about my feelings even if it's humiliating]!" "What if I start yapping about my feelings and she chooses Eric and not me?" Just the 'realizing his feelings' talk is great, but he actually wishes she would choose him as her boyfriend. Proper acceptance of feels right there. No denial whatsoever. He will hide it for Kim's sake, but he wants to date her. (I love this soff dude!!)

Dude's skilled for being able to act like he didn't just realize and accept a lot of scary and life changing feelings. Chooses friendship over any jealous and possessive behavior, even if it is a bit tough at times. Gets a bit smug when they do decide to go save the world though.

Tiny cute detail: when on the scooter together and Ron drives, Kim holds his shoulders, but when Kim drives, Ron has his arms around her/hands on her hips.

Confession scene. (Peak Ron for getting Kim out of her "pity fiesta" btw.) He's simply saying that a guy, a real guy that's good for her, exists, and that he's here, about to say 'someone like me'. A bit of a roundabout way to say it but it gets the point across. Mostly saying it to make her understand that she's not unlovable? There's a hint of 'guess this is a good opportunity to shoot my shot', too, but in a selfless way, not asking her to like him back. Just wants her to know so she can get her groove back. He thinks they could work. (Includes himself in "guys that are better for you than Eric")

Kim's reaction confuses me a bit once again. "Oh. Really?" She's happy about it, sounding hopeful too? 'Didn't think he actually liked me' surprised? 'I'm not unlovable' surprised? Both? 'It wasn't unrequited after all and I shouldn't have been afraid'? Why she so difficulttt

Kim's oddly flirty when hurrying to the prom, but the prom scene itself is adorable. Them being awkward about the change. Some distance inbetween that Rufus gets rid of lol. Stuff's different but they're still themselves.

Soff kiss with the soffest gazes I've ever seen. A bit quick to get there, but adorable. The point of a proper kiss is that both are in on it, and here they are. Better than the 'Emotion Sickness' kiss, but Ron's even more comfortable and less lovestruck with it. He knows it's real this time and that he's ready for it now. Kim's also finally getting over the food chain talk and really accepts her feelings for him. Feeling like 'This is still a bit odd, but it's him, and it's alright. I trust him more than anyone else. He's safe, and this feels right." or smth?

Is it finally done? This took... Almost 7 hours. It's 3am right now, so it might've started to get messy halfway lol. I hope someone out there gets something out of all this hard work.

Extra few hours (like 5, one edit didn't go through...) from editing after waking up. The movie stuff makes more sense now!

[basementpotato]

i made this quiz: what haunting dnp moment are you and i wanted to see how different answers were associated with each other outside of just the results from the quiz. so i typed out the first 300 responses i got and converted them to data in order to plug them into spss and see What was going on in there. this quiz is at almost 1200 responses rn so this is only a chunk of that but!

here's what the results selection looked like for the responses i used:

these are just screenshots from the program i used, i didn't edit them at all . i shortened all the titles of the results but it's all in the quiz so i won't explain them there.

i have tables & graphs for all of the questions, but i'll stck those under a read more later because there are so many.

here's the fun part of stats: i ran chi-square analyses for all the possible pairs of questions to see if there were any where the answers were significantly related to each other. basically, the test looks at the answers for one question and the answers for another and sees how they are associated with each other. and a bunch were statistically significant! 15 of 45 pairs had significant (< .05) p-values

the first was between livestream platform and person

this shows that people who chose dan were more likely to choose youtube, while people who chose phil were more likely to choose stereo, and other numbers are similar. this one was only slightly significant, while others had a much stronger association.

here's the other significant associations involving the livestreaming platform question:

the strongest of these was between livestreaming platform and video series, showing an association especially between younow and wdapteo and younow and ditl, while youtube was associated with the sims series.

here's ones related to the calendar question:

the strongest association here was between the calendar and the house, likely because of the majority of people for both of those questions choosing the dog calendar and the phouse.

these are the other question pairs with significant associations:

i don't want to get into All of these, although the house and moment one and house and video one had the highest significance out of these, probably due to the sheer amount of people who chose the phouse over any other option.

i have two more tables, and these are the question pairs with the highest associations that i found:

moment and video series:

and song and video series:

people who chose mukbang for the moment were more likely to choose wdapteo for video series, and people who chose ladydoor were more likely to pick baking.

the songs and video series one is the most interesting one to me. there were associations between: lovegame or still into you and wdapteo, toxic and the sims or baking, and interrupted by fireworks and ditl, with the most people choosing both toxic and the sims.

i just think this is neat! and as promised, the breakdowns for each individual question below the cut:

i ran out of space for both a graph & table for each one, so some only have tables. sorry

livestreaming platform:

calendar:

song:

dan or phil:

formspring answer:

book:

moment:

video series:

house/apartment:

i hope this was interesting! i spent way too much time on this!

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Thoughts on TBB 3x5: The Return

General Summary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

*stares at sheer number of bullet points in phone from this episode*

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY THIS WEEK!!! PROPER ANALYSES MAY BE BACK!!!!!! (if I have time because I have so much to do D:)

ECHO'S IN THE THUMBNAIL!!! *cue biggest freakout I've had this season*

I genuinely let myself believe that we weren't going to see Echo this episode because I was so desperate not to get my hopes up. I though they were going to try and sort out some stuff between Cross and the other Batchers before bringing Echo into the fold but he's back!!!

The lighting is so pretty 😍

THEY TOOK CROSSHAIR TO PABU

HE'S TARGET TRAINING WITH AZI I'M GONNA CRY

The shaky hands are making me so upset 😭

But I'm glad that they're exploring something like this. It isn't just a case of Crosshair losing his spot in the Empire, it's about him being faced with something that affects his ability to be a sniper in all situations. His purpose was not the Empire, it was being a soldier, and that's what he's afraid of losing.

"IT'S ECHO!" Absolute mood and the only appropriate reaction to Echo being in an ep

THE HUUUUUGGG 😭❤️

Okay this may already be one of my new favourite eps

*replays hug 5 times before continuing with the episode*

"No hug for me?" "Depends on how good your intel is." Echo is defo still a little wary but the fact that the sass and sarcasm is strong between them is giving me life

There's been a lot of discussion about the parallels between what Echo went through and what Crosshair went though and I think that this is a perfect demonstration of the dynamic that stems from that. Echo knows what it's like to have your mind taken and to be used as a weapon against your brothers. He knows what it's like to not instantly be trusted. And because of that he has a leniency with Crosshair that the other Batcher don't. He isn't completely trusting but he's more willing to give Crosshair some grace because he understands better than the others.

"Especially without Tech" I'M RUNNING ON BARELY ANY SLEEP AND HALF A CUP OF COFFEE YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME

"I'm older than you are, little brother." The script for this episode is the greatest thing ever and I genuinely can't tell you how much the sass is giving me life rn 😆

Less than 10 minutes in and this episode is already killing me

WE'RE BACK AT THE OUTPOST 😭😭😭

CROSS IN THE ARMOUR AGAIN AAAAAAAHHHHH

Echo being the mediator in the group feels so appropriate

I adore how much focus Echo is getting this ep. They didn't bring him back and give him nothing, he's absolutely serving this episode and I am obsessed! 🤩

I'm in love with the fact that the Batch now just have a family pet

"I guess it served it's purpose." "Huh, sounds familiar." Initially this feels like a jab towards Cross but I don't think it is. That statement applies to all of the clones: they served their purpose and then they got ditched. It may have taken longer for Crosshair to accept the fact that the Empire didn't like him, but it is a statement that applies to every clone post Order 66. I think that that is what Echo is getting at: not a direct jab at Cross, but a general statement about something that Crosshair has finally come to terms with

MAYDAY'S HELMET KILL ME NOW AAAAAAHHHH

Mayday meant a lot to Cross and I think it feels particularly poignant now. He's back with his squad, but they don't all trust him. Crosshair could probably do with someone like Mayday right now, someone who trusts him enough that Crosshair doesn't feel as alone as he does.

Omega trusts him, and Wrecker is kind of there (as is Echo), but Cross still doesn't feel like he's home. He's missing one of the few friends he had.

Also, this is just evidence that Crosshair isn't the cold. heartless bastard that loads of people wanted to label him as 😌

Crosshair moving the helmets is such a simple thing, but it's so meaningful. The helmets were discarded and left in a heap, which represents the exact attitude the Empire had towards the clones. Picking them up and laying them out gives them a small amount of dignity.

It reminds me of the burial of the clones that died in the crash at the end of the clone wars. They may be in a remote location where they won't be visited, but they haven't just been left in a wreck, discarded. They were given at least an ounce of respect by their brothers and that is what Crosshair is giving to the clones at the outpost

Slight interval as I realise just how much I wrote down about this episode and just how much I have left to write 😵‍💫

Sensors down? That doesn't seem like that's going to go well

THE TOOTHPICK IS BACK!!! ❤️

"So yes, I did betray them, after they betrayed me."

This is all what it boils down to: they both feel betrayed. The thing is, both Hunter and Cross' feelings are valid, but they need to talk through why they made the decisions they did so that the other person understands. It's complicated because there isn't a good or bad side right now, they just won't listen to each other, nor will they talk things through because they don't trust the other person enough to be honest about their decisions.

"She went through what she did because you failed" OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

I'm not angry at Cross. Don't get me wrong, it's brutal and harsh and a dick move but Crosshair is getting defensive because Hunter is being confrontational. They're both messing up here. I can guarantee that this is going to cause discourse among the Hunter stand who are going to get pissed at Cross, but you have to understand that his actions make sense. They're not good (in the same way that Hunter really needs to ease up) but it's behaviour that makes complete sense.

We know that Crosshair's way of defending himself is to be an arsehole. He puts up walls and he lashes out. And Hunter rn is mostly stewing in his own self-loathing (which is why Crosshair struck a nerve).

Hunter is likely taking his self-hatred out on Cross and trying to shift the blame so that he can tell himself that it isn't his fault. The problem is, it's making Cross defensive, so Crosshair is pushing the blame back and sticking Hunter where it hurts. They're both stuck in a toxic cycle.

Oh dear (I literally wrote down nothing else here. This was just my reaction to the giant worm)

Echo is so on it in this episode and I love it! ❤️

Oh shit bye Hunter

This season looks so pretty and the animation is gorgeous ✨

The worm reminds me of that thing from HTTYD2 👇

GROUP HUG

"And I don't even see any blood this time. That's progress" ECHO I FUCKING LOVE YOU OMG 😭

On a side note, we talked about how Echo's humour and sass kind of deteriorated after Skako Minor but it's coming back in full swing! It shows how comfortable he's become and is evidence that he's healing 🥲🫶

Echo talking to Omega actually has me crying. He's so fucking supportive!!! 😭

"There might just be hope for us yet" followed by a shot of the ice vulture flying towards the light. It's a good way of showing Cross' journey away from the darkness of the Empire and back towards a place of healing.

Okay so this episode just means like... everything to me. The humour was on point, the emotions were on point. We got some good content from every member of the Batch. ECHO CAME BACK!

I'm just so obsessed with this episode omg

AND BINGO UPDATE!

[sunisglowing]

FULL MOON IN HASTA NAKSHATRA - PICK A CARD

(sidereal virgo)

WHAT IS MANIFESTING/COMING IN YOUR HANDS? 🌕

PILE 1

You are getting the recognition you deserve. A lot of your have been planning for a celebration. There's a lot of partying and dancing. You will be having fun there. Some of you might be going to a concert soon of a very famous celebrity. Some of you will win a competition or you will perform in front of a crowd. You will be showcasing your talents and getting attention for it. Be ready for a lot of eyes and compliments on you.

I'm seeing that you might have a stage fear or the fear of what all hate and drama comes when you are famous or in the public eye. You are scared of bullying and people bad mouthing you. You might also fear that if you do/did something wrong, you might get caught.

My advice is to keep moving forward even if you fear these things. Because success is in the cards. Some of you might be leaving home and relocating somewhere. You might be fearing to leave your comfort zone rn. Know that it's going to be okay and you will find new people there you will understand your emotions and provide you with security and comfort.

Get out of your comfort zone. It will help you a lot and you will find people a lot people who are gonna help you in your work. Some of you might also be travelling for work.

PILE 2

You have been putting in the work and moving forward slowly in terms of finances. You are building up your finances. You will have to be patient to achieve your goal. You will be achieving material security in your hands that you have been building for a long time. You willing be getting the results of your efforts. Just please be patient.

You have built something stable. It might be for some of you that you have achieved this goal and now you are thinking about your next journey or wish. You might be wanting to start something new. You might be thinking about the next thing you want to pursue and you have a lot of options. Relax, don't worry so much about it.

You have a lot of ideas in your mind right now. Carefully analyse those options, think things through. Divide and analyse the pros and cons. Don't make hasty decisions. Don't wait for the approval of others, just jump once you have decided to swim in the waters. The only approval that matters is your own.

I'm seeing that whatever path you decide to embark on, you will become an expert in it. A leader and powerfigure of some sort. You might also go and attend a school or course for this path. I feel a lot of you will go to a formal education or training for it.

Through this, you will be able to see things from different perspective and have a broad view of the subject. You will be seen as a go to or authority figure/leader in the future in this path. You will become open minded and make better decisions. People will come to you for advice.

PILE 3

For pile 3, I see life has been pretty rough lately. Some of you have been feeling out of balance because of your pain. You might have been betrayed or had ended a relationship (platonic, romantic, any) with someone and it has been rough. You might have had difficulty in dealing with your pain and that might have affected your studies or work.

You personal life might have affected your financial or career goals. I see you might have been facing challenges after challenges in career as well as personal or love life. Now, the good part is that you will be getting opportunities in career or studies. You will start laying the stable foundations with hardwork and training. You might be going for some sort of training or study.

Starting again on the solid ground. You have the resources and finances to move forward and get your life together. You just have to be a little more patient. Don't think that gloomy phase you have been will last forever.

Whatever opportunities you are manifesting or wanting to arrive will only be given to you by efforts. So you have to pick yourself up back and start moving for. Don't expect to arrive something for just in case if you have been waiting.

Also with new goals, there will come new challenges that you have to face. There is still people who will try to do you wrong or hinder you in achieving your goals. These people will be revealed to you, maybe they have been or they will be soon. You are wiser now, so you know whom to trust and pick out who is untrustworthy. Some 6th house energy coming from this pile or you are going through a 6H transit.

There's a lot of competition coming towards you so please be prepared. Also be prepared that some people will be nasty towards you and will do something to put you down. Keep your goals and plans private and don't tell tye new opportunities that coming to you to people right now. I really feel someone or some people will betray you and will hinder you from achieving your goals, so yeah I'm repeating be prepared lol😭

PILE 4

Some of you might have went through a loss. Something that happened in the past might have left you feeling in deep sorrow, broken and unstable. You might have been feeling lonely and isolated, just reminiscing in the past.

This something that ended and there's has been deep feelings of anger and disappointment. You might have been crying over spilt milk. There was a death of someone close to you or something that had died that has deeply affected you. Intense dark emotions govern you at present.

It's time to say goodbye to this phase of yours and move on. It feels like there's a change coming in your life. You might have been running away from feeling all these intense emotions and going through the grief. Nobody else will be able to heal you even if there's good people in your life.

You might be finding it hard to accept that loss. Maybe you are escaping from the pain by going doing all things that have thrill and speed. That will only make you feel restless when you are alone with your own thoughts. Think about what you are doing and it's motive.

You are accepting and letting go of the loss. Feel those emotions. You might have been really private or would have deactivated your socials. Some of you don't like being out in public or getting unwanted attention. You don't like to show your vulnerable self in the public.

This phase of grieving is coming to an end and you will be chasing after new goals. New opportunities for work related travel is coming towards some of you. This time you are putting efforts to move forward in life. Some of you might be relocating as you don't really like being in the same environment. Most of you are moving on from the past to something better and more productive for you.

[f-imaginings]

Do you have any thoughts on the Stanford having NPD theory?

------

Hmm I'm definitely seeing some potential indicators but I also have a soft spot for Ford's growth post show. I can see ample opportunities for him to have suffered narcissistic injury growing up, as Filbricks parenting style seems to be "you're all not good enough unless you're making me money" and that's impacted both Stan and Ford's self esteem in unique and complicated ways. Stan really kind of internalized then externalized his dad's attitude, reinforcing the money making priority while also balking against the way it made him feel. You can tell he would hate if the kids ever felt that way (Boss Mabel being an interesting example) or Soos.

Ford's narcissistic injury would have come more from his polydactylism and the bullying associated, and turning that into "this actually makes me special and better and you're all wrong" would have been how narcissism could have been a protective factor for his sense of self, because it's more intrinsic to who he is. Stanley can strive to prove that he's not a waste of space to his dad because there's opportunity to do so through earning money and being successful. Ford will never be able to prove his way out of having a genetic anomaly.

I don't know whether I'd go so far as to say he has NPD tho. Some narcissistic traits for sure but he seems to be motivated by guilt and shame predominantly, which someone with NPD would resent being made to feel. I'm just reflecting on what I've learned (disarming the narcissist is a good read on this) having narcissistic parents. Pointing out the ways they've hurt you will often end in them lashing out and blaming you for feeling hurt. You've gotta sandwich all constructive feedback for them very carefully for it to land successfully.

I think Ford can be selectively oblivious. I think he often prefers to deny his emotions (considering there likely was never a safe place for him to sit with them or express them growing up) and relies on repression (the whole man of science thing no doubt aiding this) and I think he can be entitled and thoughtless at times.

But the same way I wouldn't call Mabel narcissistic for being a little selfish, I also wouldn't label Ford with a personality disorder. Slapping NPD to him wouldn't help him first of all, it might stigmatize him, and I'm in no way qualified to speculate that way. Second, while he does flip between insecurity and egotism (typical of a narcissist) he is willing to admit and work on amending mistakes. He can put himself in other people's shoes (although when tempers are high it can be hard to - see his altercations with Stanley and to an extent Bill) and try to fix things.

He's an interesting one to analyse. I know in the fic rn we aren't seeing him at his best but that's fair enough. Egotistical, ambitious and weird, that's Stanford and I guess that's why we love him.

[eresia-catara]

girlartemisia can I be completely honest with you for a second there. I am BAFFLED at how much you, among others like girlcavalcanti know about guido. where do you get all this info? what are the sources? you have the knowledge of 30 scholars in a trenchcoat. also the "guido has red hair" thing is so elaborate, and yet you say it's NOT YOUR FIELD? miss girl. you. you know more than my father who is an art history teacher. they should give you a degree "ad honorem" for how much you know. they should make you guido scholar. official historian!! I can't hide how envious i am of your knowledge! when I grow up i want to be as smart and cultured as you girlartemisia

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I am not deeply moved and have become a puddle of happy feelings rn haha what are you talking about ahsjdhskf

I do not deserve this T^T I genuinely don't know what to say to these kind words,,, thank you a lot??? I mean, I post stuff on tumblr simply because I like sharing these thoughts, the fact that they actually have a positive impact on an actual person is like- I am not good with expressing feelings but it's truly one of the most touching things anyone could've told me!! 💞💕💓💕

And I know it sounds like a cheap sentence everyone uses but. really, rest assured that if you are passionate and mostly curious about things, about anything, there is nothing your mind cannot achieve. It's not about the smarts mostly (that can only eventually be a predisposition to complex thinking, however Elon Musk does exist so) but about how much you are willing to wander with the mind and simply fuck around with things. Be creative. One thing society makes you believe is that being cultured = being "smart" and that it is thus only for the privileged few, but it's not true, culture is curiosity that is indulged. The only privilege involved here is not reaching the age of 15 being braindead because of this society (but even in that case, one can always change). My posts about guido? Yes they come from different books and papers that I read, but on top of that? unorthodox hypotheses and Thots that instead of discarding I like to explore (reason why I cannot claim attendability on my takes because a specialist would probably correct so many things and I do NOT have a degree, but they are interesting nonetheless! And have at times come in handy to me in unrelated topics lol)! What I mean is: these literary analyses are a fusion of academic papers AND personal thoughts that try to be compatible with them but also depend on the creativity of the mind.

That being said, I would LOVE to be a guido scholar!!! one day 👁️ And since you're not the first who's curious about sources on guido I will, eventually, make a post with all my books and papers :p

[permanently-stressed]

I’m not yet done with my TTPD x KOTLC analyses, I only have 6 posted rn, but what are your thoughts on that album with kotlc?? Cause some of those songs were SCREAMING the names of some of my favorite characters and ships—

Ok so I HAVe ALOT OF THOUGHTS BUT THEY'RE VERY UNORGANIZED SO BEAR WITH ME.

So when I listened to "Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me?" for the first time I thought 'okay this is what Sophie needs to be like in book 10' but also consider MARELLA!!! IN BOOK TEN!!! AS THIS SONG!!

"My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys" gave Human AU Sophitz to me ngl. Like, if Matchmaking hadn't pushed it to the edge, they would've had a very slow death imo

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart is Biana Vacker and Biana Vacker only, enough said (I might do a longer post on this when it marinates)

Down Bad and So High School are both Sokeefe songs in ✨vibes ✨

I Hate It Here gives me Sophie in the forbidden cities all around. We don't often see her soft side, but this is what I think it would sound like.

The Tortured Poets Department is giving me SOMETHING. I feel like it's screaming the name of someone but I still can't figure out who and that's frustrating me.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus is Very Much Sophitz in the sense that when I heard "you said some things I just can't unabsorb" something clicked for me

For now this is what I have lol I'm still trying to process the lyrics and meaning of each song so I'll probably post about it more

[easy-revenge]

Well, now I'm curious. Why do you think Angel had deeper feelings for Aki? Go crazy

ahahah ur wish is my command ~

now bear with me a lot of this relies on things that are up to interpretation so brace urselves for me reaching and being maybe a tiny bit delusional thanks

so, i will deliberately not talk about the very popular moments that akiangel has, i can do a separate post about them at some point, but i want to focus specifically on angel.

meaning: scenes where their feelings and actions are reciprocated like saving each other, helping each other live longer etc will not be mentioned in this post.

lets take this chronologically:

- bomb devil arc

angel is the personification of duality. we know he exists as an oxymoron. from his name all the way to his personality.

this for me is the core of what i think angel is as a character. however i wont get into analysing angel's whole internal conflict rn.

(i have a post talking about angel's feelings, the grief and remorse he must feel with no recollection of what brought them on. I'll talk about that in depth some other time bc even though it plays into this part, we'll stray from the subject. i thought it was worth mentioning briefly though)

that's not what i wanted to talk about in this scene. i want to focus on the second part, which happened after reze's death.

in that scene, makima had ordered angel to bring aki with him to the scene. angel disregarded that order and came alone, which led to makima "accusing" him of being kind for sparing aki from the task of killing a girl. angel replies to this with "i am an angel after all".

what gets me the most about this beautiful scene is that as we now know, makima is the control devil. her word is law. even when she's not actively making ppl obey her will, we know her commanding aura makes it difficult for anyone to stray from her orders. despite that, here is angel, casually going against a direct order to keep aki from doing sth he doesn't want to do.

this might not seem like much, but follow my thought process here.

the infamous scene. contrary to popular belief, im here to talk about the first picture rather than the later two.

the moment between aki letting go of angel's shirt and grabbing his hand, angel gets a flash of the human he was in love with before makima found him.

i used to believe he got that flash bc he thought he was finally approaching his own death (still a valid interpretation), however here rolls a very popular theory about makima's power.

we know who she can control has to do with status, who views her as superior and whatnot. however, at the very end of part 1, we have power breaking her control as she thinks about her moments with denji. in that scene, power is still afraid of makima, so why is makima unable to take control of her?

a lot of ppl have interpreted this as a "weakness" to makima's power. more specifically, that strong feelings have the power to break her control over someone, at least briefly.

rolling with this, we can assume this is what happened with angel in this scene. for just a second he gets to access the memories that makima has locked away. the next question is, what are his strong feelings about in that moment?

we know that angel isn't afraid of death, he's been waiting for it. taking that into consideration, I don't think it was the feelings about his impending death that made makima's hold on him loosen.

i think it was aki. being saved. being cared for. being cared for so unconditionally, by someone who doesn't have two months of his life to spare. by someone who by all means should not care about angel at all.

immediately afterwards, angel is held. held protectively over a chest, against a storm. we don't know how long it's been since angel has been in a situation similar to this but we can assume it's been a long time.

in my potentially delusional opinion, that feels powerful enough to shake makima's control even for a moment.

you might have guessed where im heading with all this.

- gun devil arc:

here. in this very scene. we see the shock on angel's face as aki gives himself up. the horror of what it can mean, the trigger of memory of what it had meant for him in the past.

in this scene, angel regains all the memories makima took from him, without her permission.

makima doesn't seem swayed by this, but she does comment on it, indicating it wasn't her doing at all.

following my previous logic, strong emotions is once again what pushes makima out of angel's head. this time, quite literally kicks her out. even for a little while.

considering makima's power, how easily she takes complete control of him right after anyway, we can only imagine how strongly angel felt about aki losing himself to her in that moment.

now it's up to anyone to interpret this as whatever they want. it's up to anyone to call me crazy and completely disregard this whole thing since it's thriving on subtext and theory along with analysis powered by hyperfixation.

i personally cannot shake the feeling that there are at least romantic undertones here. there are so many akiangel scenes i didn't talk about in this post, so many very blatant hints that akiangel's bond was never friendship. there was tension from start to finish and there's no other explanation for it.

as for angel specifically, since this post is about his feelings, we know he's been in love before. with a human nonetheless. we know he has the capacity for it. I don't think im reaching to think that caring so deeply and wholeheartedly for a human again could mirror these feelings.

i dont think its too unlikely for him to be in love again. but that's just me.

i was asked to go crazy and crazy i went lmao. my asks are open for more prompts for me to analyze. i have sm more to talk about if anyone wants to hear it.

thanks for the opportunity to get this off my chest heheh <3