#don't mind me I just love hurting myself with stupid theories

[tonystarkfucksaround]

Just got a thought about the scene where Erik asks Charles to shoot him point blank and you know what, you know--

Erik’s giddy with expectation, he’s grinning, and he’s clearly delighted for this exercise - it really doesn’t seem that he’s scared, which makes sense, I doubt he would’ve had hard time catching the bullet if Charles did shoot, but.

What if the excitement is not about that. What if it’s about finally driving a point home. What if it’s about proving something to himself.

Not the extent of his powers, or being able to protect himself; but that anyone could turn against him without as much as a shrug. He’s making it easier for himself in a way, cheating a little by asking Charles to, and while let’s be honest, he is deranged enough to think his offer is genuine, no big deal and no hard feelings and he totally wouldn’t hold it against Charles, somewhere deep inside it will still prove that a, all anyone, even someone he considers a friend, needs is a good enough reason and then he’d find himself on the wrong side of a gun, and b, he really is nothing more than a weapon and it’s okay to treat him as such, as someone - something - no more than a self-educating target that will have no choice but evolve in order to make hitting it harder the next time around.

He’s so confused when Charles refuses in the end, his face falls, like he’s not sure what to make of it - and I feel like this could’ve actually been the exact moment he realized how he felt about Charles. Not even later with the memory and the satellite dish, but when Charles refused to shoot him even though he never put Erik’s powers to doubt, and that the idea of shooting Erik pained him, scared him even.

Makes it all the more heartbreaking that in the end Charles did turn against him - at least the way Erik saw it, and that probably had to hurt so much more than being shot at.

[katshuya]

Lyanna Stark carries some blame too!

Warning: This is not to hate on her, nor I'm denying that she was a young girl and to some degree MAY have been fooled. This is about accountability first and second her genius fans and the shippers

I literally talked to several people here who ships her with Rhaegar and they were ones who have posts that have most likes over discussions about them as I have seen so far and very clever takes that break down every argument as other Rhaegar and Lyanna fans claim. And I swear to god the amount of cope and stupid theories they say is ridiculous. Like all long posts and literally nothing!

My only regret is how I didn't take screenshots of their very clever arguments. All of them ended up deleting my comments when they couldn't reply and was hurt by me saying that Rhaegar could have very possibly liked Elia in Romantic way to some extent and that copmplex realtionship doesn't necessarily mean there was no love or attraction.

Apparently now we are liars and don't care about Elia and just want to shit on Rhaegar and Lyanna and if we truly liked her we'd want her to be a woman who never loved Rhaegar at all.

Not even a little feeling to the man, she agreed to risk her life for him and his prophecy no. We should say according to them that she did that to stabilize her position as future queen and mother of the next heir who eats, drinks and sleeps peacefully and that is more feminist as they MOCKED than her being hurt by Rhaegar (Rhaegar who is said to be very charming to all women but apparently he never charmed Elia according to their little hearts that refuse to accept there might have been something of romance between her and Rhaegar) .

Them: Like, what do you mean she would mind seeing her husband love another girl more after she did everything for him?😡 That's very not good interpretation and characterization of Elia. She should only care about her position! oh! She is the victim of her mother's AMbiTIOns

AND! Her liking Rhaegar and risking her life to give him children makes her weak!

Trasnslation: I can't accept her liking Rhaegar, or this will make the asshole prince I ship myself with as a self-insert of Lyanna more asshole and unlikable to others So Elia must never like Rhaegar in order for my ship to work! Let's work hard on making people believe this is the only possible scenario AND the only way for Elia to be strong good character otherwise she is weak silly girl if she loved her charismatic husband so my ship can sail!

That's the true strong woman and we Elia-fans are just bunch of haters and don't really like her and we are the actual misogynist for not saying she never liked Rhaegar and for not loving their GIrl BoSS lyanan stark.

No, I don't ship Rhaegar and Elia. I'm just stating a very possible scenario. I really don't do ships. I simply like Elia.

As for Lyanna....

Yes, Lyanna carries some blame, too, in case she knew of Rhaegar's plan and agreed to it and went willingly. You don't get to tell me that I shouldn't blame her because most blame falls on men, and she was young?????

Like make it make sense. To what extent could your age protect you from accountability when you hurt others? Since when being young gives you the right to escape accountability? How else do you make sure that they don't turn out nasty?

Her escaping Robert and her eloping with married man EVEN in a scenario where Elia agreed are two different things that don't connect. (Elia would never agree happily. In such a scenario, she has no choice because of the prophecy.), it doesn't delete her mistakes. It simply makes her less guilty.

Reminder! She didn't escape until Rhaegar appeared. This may mean she never intended to escape until she fell in love with this married charismatic prince charming even in a scenario where she was a greenseer and saw her and Rhaegar are a MUst Be. They still ignored many things like others' safety for unsure prophecy.

Her story is so much more than just her age.

You all just ignore everything to make her look like nothing but a victim.

I had one tell me we shouldn't blame her because of the girl's girl and because men take most blame in her story??? Yes, they do, and??? Is that how we deal with women's mistakes now? As long as the biggest culprit is a man and you are young, you are free from accountability?

If this is what a girl's girl means now, then I'm not a girl's girl.

And guess what? Yes, I blame her to some degree and don't hate her. Yes, I definitely don't see her as likable but definitely not evil, and I know many of you don't accept these things mixed, but like or not they do with me and with many others who are silent about it because they don't want to be called ridiculous for disliking young girl. But not me. I don't mind.

[lineffability]

"Angel!" Crowley tries to keep his voice low but barely manages amidst his distress. It is only the image - burned into his mind like the image of Jesus onto toast, according to some people - of Gabriel, wrapped in a blanket, sitting in the next room and smiling-- smiling! Smiling his clueless, stupid, stupid smile that Crowley wants to wipe off his face so badly. Only the alternative, Gabriel not smiling, Gabriel remembering, would be so much worse.

Crowley does not know what to do. He is clueless but angry, and his anger drives him on. Gabriel is dangerous. He is a danger to Aziraphale, and he cannot stay. If only he could get through the angel's thick skull - had experience not been a better teacher, he might have had hope. Nonetheless, he needs to try.

"This is the supreme archangel of all heaven, your former boss, who tried very hard to cast you into hellfire and destroy you - he is not our friend!" he pleads.

Aziraphale has listened intently to his words, but his reply comes immediately and without apprehension. "I don't really think he has any friends."

"Exactly." Yes! Exactly! He does not have any friends because he is not friendly. That's exactly it. They can agree on that, surely.

Aziraphale lifts a finger in agreement, nodding in comprehension. "Yes, exactly."

...or so he thought. Wait-- His brows close in on each other like two long-separated lovers who also happen to be beavers. "...what does your exactly mean? Exa- I feel like your exactly and my exactly are different exactlies."

"Well, he doesn't have any friends, so he needs us!" Aziraphale's hand sweeps between them as if to make his point all the clearer: us, you and me, us together -- but Crowley's disbelief over what the angel just said makes him miss the little word that drowns between them, uncomprehended. He snaps.

"What I need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious-" He draws a breath, the word hurts, "peaceful, fragile existence I have carved out for myself here."

But that's not really what he means. Well, it's true, he does not want Gabriel to be near him. But he especially does not want Gabriel to be near him. Near Aziraphale.

He remembers. It was him, his eyes, who watched Gabriel's inconvenienced, annoyed, careless expression as he sent off whom he believed to be Aziraphale, into hellfire, into destruction, into total annihilation. Into nothing. Shut your stupid mouth and die already. Crowley could never forgive him for that.

He knows that, and he also knows that Azirapahle would. Wouldn't he? This was precisely why they were in this conondrum in the first place, because Aziraphale... was good. And forgiving. He saw Gabriel in need and he was prepared to help him, just like that. He forgave everyone like one of those stupid anime heroes he'd been watching, like, like, a goddamned angel. Which is why he, Crowley, couldn't!

It's dirty work, being a demon loving an angel.

Which is why the next words sting, right in the space where non-demons have a heart. Which he doesn't, he doesn't. Does not. Why does it sting?

"I thought we carved it out for ourselves."

Shit.

"So did I!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

the new trailer has been living in my mind rentfree like Crowley in Azi's bookshop and the possibility of some good angst is making me LIVE and RISE and i decided to WRITE the trailer (bc currently my mind is too broken to function and come up with actual theories, no thoughts head full of ineffability)

[astrronomemes]

GIRL, INTERRUPTED (1999): STARTERS

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 1999 film adaptation of the Susanna Kaysen memoir, Girl, Interrupted. change & alter as needed.

"Have you ever confused a dream with life?"

"Don't tell me what you think. Take it to the lab."

"Sometimes, it's hard for me to stay in one place."

"Time can move backwards and forwards, and now to then, and back again, and you can't control it."

"I think young women should make up their own mind, don't you?"

"You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest."

"You're hurting everyone around you."

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"That's the kind of thing you talk about in therapy, honey. Not here."

"Look, I'm not gonna burn my bra, or drop acid, or go march on Washington. I just don't want to end up like my mother."

"I need you to stay close to me, because it's easy to get lost in here."

"I won't be here that long. I'm just here for a rest."

"You've been gone for two weeks. A lot of shit has gone down."

"I mean, everybody thinks about it at some point."

"I think you should lock the door."

"Fuck his brains out. Use a rubber."

"You've been feeling bad in general, right? You've been feeling depressed."

"I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, [name]."

"He didn't say. He thought it would 'affect my recovery'."

"I must have missed that in the brochure."

"I mean, what kind of sex isn't casual?"

"You know, I know all about you. And I hope they put you away forever."

"What if I had a punctured artery? You'd go on your rounds, ignoring my wounds?"

"I tried to kill myself, [name]."

"What do they know about being normal?"

"Look, I know that this sounds crazy, but I think I love you."

"I want to leave... but not with you. Not with you."

"I just like you, that's all. I wish you were getting better, though."

"If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now."

"Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing."

"It means I don't care. That's what it means."

"I'm just gonna rest for a while. Just a little while."

"You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people, but you? You are not crazy."

"What's wrong with me? What the fuck is going on inside my head?!"

"I'm sorry for being a bitch. I was a drag."

"They didn't release you because you're better. They just gave up."

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside."

"How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?"

"I think what you've got to do is put it down, put it away, put it in your notebook... but get it out of yourself."

"You want to be rested for tomorrow. The last night is a long one."

"So nice of you to pass judgment on us now that you're cured."

"I'm playing the villain, like you want. I give you everything you want."

"I played the fucking villain. Just like you wanted."

"No one cares if you die, [name]. Because you're dead already."

"Maybe everyone out there is a liar, and maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant, but I'd rather be fucking in it than down here with you."

"Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me... amplified."

"They were not perfect. But they were my friends."

[pinkverbena]

「○ F&H 1946: Pav's extra story

[ content - archive ]

//CAUTION!: Violence, mutilation, signs of trauma, references to abuse (physical, psychological, sexual), funger experience, lack of mental health, sensitive topics.

◇ SHO SEIMEI - DIVTVRNA TOLERANTIA

Depending on Pav's decisions and other events that occur in the story, Sho Seimei will also suffer the same fate as other neighbors and any enemy in this place (does not happen during the first few days).

His transformation is Divtvrna Tolerantia, he has a reddish, half-naked body, with his arms crossed to try to cover himself, demonstrating the shame and disgust he has regarding his body, his legs are rooted and wrapped in branches, which, if Pav mutilates him, flesh and blood mixed with sap will come out (it hurts Seimei because it is embedded in his flesh and genitals), can also be sold or eaten. He emanates a kind of fire and expands it with attacks. It's no big deal, except incinerating Pav alive (internally and externally) depending on how much it's provoked, can create branches that stretch out like hands, small particles of fire that leave blind, even lift off the ground by stretching.

In theory, the fire that emanates is to ''purify sins'', Seimei believes that he is a sinner, being sexually abused fills him with guilt, the own disagreement with his body, mind...with this transformation he has the obsession of wanting purify other people's sins and has self-destructive, manic, pyromanic behaviors, contrary to his enemy name and the patience that characterizes Seimei in most cases, despite that, his emotional states change drastically, shouting to be left alone and his voice is heard as if he were under water, when enters a state where starts to cry, you can take advantage of it to hurt his chest and injure his legs. Divtvrna Tolerantia head has a clock of water, falls in streams (it can be specified that the container contains his tears), with signs that represent roman numerals next to a mouthpiece. On top he has a certain ornaments that belong to ceremonial clothing. The way he moves is as floating or "ascending".

After being defeated, Divtvrna Tolerantia lets you destroy the container (head), all his tears falling, at this point he can barely react and when he comes to his senses, the only thing he can do is crawl on the ground, his body it is certainly withered and quite destroyed, swallowed up in its shame.

■ Main dialogues:

''Hey...this must be shit, right?,

to know that i no longer have hope''

''I'm sorry, i'm stupid, very, very stupid''

[ It seems that the pain is being contained

of the tear. ]

''...If I'm honest with you, i wish

that our life wasn't so bad''

''But, maybe what i say will make you want

to vomit as much as i do''

''Sometimes i want to hate you because

you really make me feel less alone, heh...''

[ Seimei is a mess, even if you hold him, it's like he could vanish at any moment. ]

''Could you take care of yourself and be less of an idiot while i'm gone?''

''Could you tell mom and dad that i'm sorry?''

''I wish i could tell them myself…''

[ Your breathing trembles and then is accelerated, you don't feel like crying or screaming, but you hold his hand and half of his body, little by little his limbs are falling, you give it a light squeeze in the hand. ]

''It won't be the last time we see each other...that's the least realistic thing i can say''

‘’Forget it’’

''This time you won't see these ugly shoes again, no more’’

[ His mouthpiece falls, letting out a stream of blood, sap and water, he has lost his breath, everything him, this gives you a strange feeling of emptiness, gently moving your hand, desperately wanting to remember Seimei’s as you feel a great weight on your shoulders and chest, your breathing quickens, because you know that his body is the only thing that will remain in your memory, just like those of your loved ones in the past. ]

----------------------------------------------

This was the second part of the list of enemies, as i had saved in the notes, anyway, Seimei's absence can be detected by the radio, the lament of his spirit or just hallucinations.

■ Items: i pointed out some things in the drawing and even an example of Seimei's head in one of his deaths.

-------------------------------------------

[ content – archive ]

● Pav's fate - end: ???

It's been a while, wandering around the neighborhood...so lonely, though you were used to those mixed feelings and thoughts, sometimes hearing voices that echo in the middle of the midnight when the shadows dances.

It was all so sudden, the destruction of everything you love, the snatching away of a quiet life, the voice of your parents and remembering them only makes you fill with guilt, do better, get stronger, bury everything that torments you and move on.

How far?

How far can you go?

Your indifference to the future makes things not go as well as you thought, but you believed it was better that way.

Where is your home?, if beyond the snow and the fog there is nothing else waiting for you.

Someone is calling you, someone is waiting for you.

Someone...

Mom?, dad?

You lie down on the ground, just as you did in those days when you were just a village boy, before revenge, before you were a mere soldier, before you were a lieutenant, when you didn't walk through trenches, when you were just a village boy walking through the snowy hills and the fresh meadows, when you didn't have to see the world through a bullet, when you could see it through an innocent dream.

Seimei?

Your eyes close, hugging yourself, without thinking about anything else, slowly lose the senses and this time you no longer had those feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, indifference, fear, slowly your body fades away from this tangible life, you no longer need it.

They call you, come with them

Good night...

------------------------------------------

To add context, there will be a point as the months go, Pav's body deteriorate or be affected by exposure to the environment, until he ends up dying from exhaustion or from pre-disintegration of the body (his body begins to deteriorate like sand, while he has a sleep effect). Up to this point would be the route of one of the endings, it's not actually the final version, Seimei's absence is crucial here.

I feel silly that most of this is pure tragedy (half of the other is gunfights that leave cheese holes), but, well, it's Funger.

[drbased]

You’re highkey one of the cleverest people on tumblr. I always enjoy reading your posts, and I’m always inevitably thinking the same thing : “damn she is smart!” Can I ask you if you did hight studies (as after high school) , and if so, which ones ? Or you just read a lot ? I’m just really curious, I hope it doesn’t sound intrusive

Thank you for this, I don't know if it's just a coincidence you've sent this now or if you've sent this after seeing my vent post - if it's the latter I really appreciate it. I mean I appreciate it regardless but you know what I mean.

I studied computer science at university level but that's not been very relevant to my thinking.

I don't read much unfortunately. I just think. I think think think think think. I have a great density of thoughts and frankly I don't have much control over them. Something happens to me and it brings about an emotion and my head launches into this chatter and it doesn't stop. Literally today I saw a post describing a theory of autism: 'intense world theory' and whilst I'm still not diagnosed so much of it sounds exactly like what I'm going through. It's honestly quite exhausting and overwhelming to be me, I often feel as if my mind isn't really quite my own, I have enough emotions and thoughts in here for at least two people.

It wasn't until that time when I hotboxed a room and actually talked to myself that I started to get a real handle on what's going on inside my head. Plus in reference to the 'vent post', I got really good at explaining because part of the nightmare was explaining the same things over and over again like a broken record. And the more I explained, the more I tried to explain, the more I discovered that nothing is out of the bounds of explanation. I learned how to use the english language all over again. And I had a looooot of practice saying out loud all the wisdom stuff and radical feminist stuff, so eventually with a bit of trust in myself I was able to start writing it down.

All of this was accomplished by listening in to the chatter in my head and instead of getting anxious at my emotional responses, to actually take them seriously. Whenever I have a thought about something I now trust it and take it seriously - and I seriously urge every woman to do the same. Every time you find yourself starting down a train of thought and then go 'nah, that's ridiculous' I urge you to humour yourself instead. Every single flight of fancy you have has an underlying worldview that is valuable because it came from you - even if you come to the conclusion at the end that you were wrong, by taking it serious you've learned something. There's no such thing as a stupid question, so the saying goes. And that's so fucking true. Nothing - and I MEAN nothing - you think or feel is vapid. All of it came from a brain, and you're safe to trust it, even if it turns out to be wrong. The brain is your safe space to engage with ideas - it's YOU, and you're always free to trust YOU.

I love connecting gaps, I especially being able to connect supposedly contradictory beliefs that people have and find the root value system. I like analysing, it's both my favourite pastime and also makes me feel very grounded and safe in the world. I used to pathologise this as 'overanalysing due to trauma' and since I stopped doing that and started to embrace who I actually am, I've been able to actually enjoy this analysing, even if it's 'unhealthy'. I used to get trapped in these thought loops that wouldn't go away for years; now I can get really quickly to what I'm feeling and why. I'm gradually rebuilding trust in myself after a decade of feeling obligated to do everything 'right'. I don't even judge that part of me - she valued getting things right, and that's a beautiful thing. But it hurt me and destroyed my trust in myself, so I won't do it anymore. That's all the 'logic' I need. What was once destroying me - my own brain - I've turned right back around into my greatest asset, all through the power of taking myself seriously. I think anyone can do this; I just have that density of thoughts and deep discomfort with cognitive dissonance and a pathological need to be consistent in everything - my logic, behaviour, even emotions - that drove me down a really dark path where I was suffering emotionally all the time and had to do something to feel better. Weed was instrumental in giving myself the confidence to do all this. It allowed me to really listen in on what I was feeling, and by the end I was entirely using it medicinally. Some of my earliest writings on here were done whilst high - the heightened sense of self-awareness it gave me allowed me to recognise what I felt comfortable writing, when I was actually done writing instead of just losing confidence, what tone I wanted to use, if I wanted to use a tone at all, if I felt it was flowing - basically just all of these hyper-specific things about who I am and how I want to create and express myself that I had entirely buried because I felt driven by obligation into providing the best 'product' possible. Hell, if it wasn't for weed I wouldn't be typing here at all; I probably would still not have written anything because I'd be saving myself for writing a book which I now know I basically have no intention to write. My heightened sense of self-awareness used to fill me with so much terror instead now it's my biggest source of self-love. I don't care if it's not 'healthy' or comes from a place of trauma; it's who I am now, and pathologising myself hurt me so, so deeply and I will never ever ever do that again. I'm an inpenetrable shield of thought now; I can hurt myself more than anyone else can and that's actually a strength of mine and not a weakness. I went through a lifetime of terror around people and what emotions they can induce in me and I'm not afraid anymore.

Anyway thank you for this opportunity to indulge myself because I've just had an incredibly harrowing and heart-breaking interaction with someone and I'm sleep deprived and have a horrible headache and my shoulders ache and frankly I feel very much at the end of my tether with this world. The fact that I can communicate like this is really the only thing keeping me going; it's literally saving my life. I always 'needed' to be understood, so much so that I was afraid of saying things that people might not understand - and since I flipped my attitude I decided that if I need to be understood then I bloody well need to act like it and show I'm willing to risk not being understood sometimes for the end goal of achieving that. Turning avoidance into success, showing myself what real self-love actually looks like. I used to think self-love was wrapping myself in bubble wrap and never challenging myself or risking anything but it's the opposite - it's about showing yourself how much you value something by showing yourself how much you'd risk for it. And I decided I wanted to value my personhood, so I tried a bunch of completely mental stuff that I made up entirely on the spot whilst high and risked scrambling up my brain and now I've changed my entire life around. And other people have extraordinarily resonated with what I've said and have said how good I am at explaining stuff. So I'm now living in the real world and that congealed mass of thoughts are now out there, for other people to read and hear.

Anyway I'm probably going to cry now and get myself some cake. I've been through hell the past several years and it has been thankless and miserable. I'm just so grateful that I'm my own best friend now.

[a-student-out-of-time]

PSA TIME WITH MOD BUBBLES

//I’ve talked a lot about DRDT, and that’s because I’m honestly so blown away by how good it is and how talented the dev is as a creator. At no point have I ever meant to imply that my interpretation of DRDT or the outcome of the story is the only correct one, I’ve only been speculating on it based on the evidence in the text.

//And while I complain a lot about works from creators like LINUJ, that’s only because of writing decisions that either diminish the work’s quality, damage the story and/or characters, or harm whatever messages it’s going for. Even then, I still try to see the good in works I critique and how I think they can be improved, because that's what constructive criticism should be about. My criticisms have never been intended as personal attacks and I’ve been trying to go out of my way to ensure they remain professional and constructive.

//I really don't have a bad word to say about the creator or the fangan itself. I actually want to talk about something else here.

//To be honest, I sympathize with their feelings. The amount of times I've seen posts from people in the fandom taking the piss out of my Switch Theory, mocking it, calling it stupid and me stupid by extension, and spreading misinformation about it? It's a lot. To say nothing about my work on this blog.

//As a small creator myself, I’ve had to develop a thicker skin when it comes to taking criticism or getting hate asks. Early ones I got were pretty harsh, and it did send me into a malaise for many days or weeks at a time, and I had to learn not to try writing when I didn’t feel up to it. Now I have the confidence to challenge bad faith arguments, and I have help from co-creators and friends to improve things.

//I say this because a lot of those asks and a lot of that negativity did affect me and I had to learn to not let it bother me. I still get sad and frustrated, but it’s not a creator-killing attitude for me anymore. That's not always the case every creator, unfortunately.

//Obviously I’m not talking about every single person in the fandom, but I just want to make this clear for fans of any work: please, for the love of all that is good and kind and decent, think about what you say about creators.

//I’m not talking about calling out creators for unrepentant bad behavior, you can and should do that. I’m talking about harassment, entitlement, and even just thoughtlessness commentary that goes into things said about small creators who work on passion projects, who aren’t making money off of it and who are just trying to do their best.

//It can be easy to think your comments, your criticisms, or even your attempts to be funny will be perceived how you perceive them, but not everyone will take them the same way. Your thought processes are not universal, and something small and innocuous to you can really hit a sore spot for someone else. Some people are more sensitive than others, and that’s something you really to keep in mind.

//This is especially true if you’re saying things about a creator themselves. There’s a difference between something like “here’s where I think the creator’s work could be improved” and “the creator is so X.” You can hurt them with the latter more than the former, because that feels very targeted and personalized. Even if it's not true, some people are much more self-conscious than others.

//At the same time, the response to this sort of thing is not and should NEVER be “let’s gang up on the person who said that and force them out of the fandom.” That’s unacceptable, no matter the circumstance. I’ve blocked people who've tried to have that attitude about critics of my own story because I will never endorse that behavior.

//This isn’t meant to be a call-out post, just a PSA on why you should exercise some compassion and thought, and don’t make unnecessary commentary about creators who work hard on projects like these for no money, or for people who say things without intending to be hurtful. We creators do it because we have something we want to share, and as bad as bullying can get, comments like that are worse in their own way.

//Even if you don't intend it to be hurtful, thoughtlessness can hurt worse than open cruelty. Please keep that in mind when talking about other people, especially people you either don’t know or only know from their work or one bad action. At the same time, someone making one bad comment is not an excuse for you to declare war on them.

//Above all, just be kind to people and show how much you appreciate their work. Even small comments have gotten me through periods of bad depression, and when people need time to work on their health before they feel ready to get back to working on their projects, respect that. We aren't content machines, we're just as human as the rest of you.

//Finally, to the DT dev, I don't know if you'll see this, but I've been where you are and also had to take time off for myself. I feel lucky that I have so many kind people in my life, and I sincerely hope you do too. Take all the time you need, and know you've got my wholehearted support when you do return.

[do-it-for-the-fandom]

May prompts

May 2nd

Prompt: Crush

Set during 2x12 (A Rose for Everafter)

Rated M for language

The moment of realisation

Fuck.

Why'd he have to do that?

Why'd he have to go and do stupid things that make her feel so... heavy.

She didn't know when this had happened, when everything had apparently changed.

When had his outlandish theories become entertaining, not infuriating? When did his jokes start actually being funny and how did she not notice that his cocky smirk had turned into the most charming smile?

When did his constant presence and incessant need to be in her space become comforting instead of intrusive and most definitely unwelcome?

When did their partnership - the absolute bane of her existence - turn into something so... so challenging and exciting and...

Fuck.

When had it turned into friendship? Pure loving, trusting friendship.

When did she start actually caring about him? And not in a "I don't wish anything bad upon you" kind of way. In a genuine "I wish you nothing but happiness" kind of way. A "you're my best friend" kind of way. A "I saw this and thought it might make you smile" kind of way. A "I hope you think of me, too" kind of way.

In a "you make me happy" kind of way.

In a "maybe, just maybe, I might have a little crush" kind of way.

Fuck.

And why - why! - was she only figuring all this out as she stared at the surveillance photographs from last night: the photographs that showed Castle... and Kyra... and their rooftop rendezvous?

What was he thinking?

Why'd he have to do that?

Why'd he have to do such stupid things?

Couldn't he see that he was going to get hurt? She was a married woman! Well... almost. This wasn't going to have a happy ending and Castle - stupid, vulnerable, hopeless romantic Castle - was going to get hurt.

And if he was hurting, she was hurting.

The elevator ding brought her attention from the images in her hands and she looked up to see Castle approaching with her coffee in hand. Quickly, she tucked the images away and pretended to be working.

She didn't look up at him as he placed the coffee on her desk. She couldn't. There was this stupid little niggling pain in her chest that kept her from looking at him. Because he would know it was there. He had this uncanny ability to just... read her... to know her emotions and her pain.

But, gosh, he was just this magnetic presence that she couldn't ignore, no matter how hard she tried. With those big blue eyes that seem impossibly bright when he gets excited and that radiant smile that could light up the city.

She had to bite down on her lip to fight off the smile caused by the picture her mind had painted.

Good God, she had it bad.

What the hell was happening to her?

Her eyes flicked toward him and that pain in her chest grew tenfold at his sad, distant eyes.

She was torn, couldn't decide between making him stew in the consequences of his stupid decisions or doing everything she could to take his pain away, to make him happy.

Because if he was happy, she was happy.

"What did I tell you?" she asked through gritted teeth, still undecided what path she would take with this conversation.

"What?"

"Did I or did I not make myself clear?"

"Yes," he said as he sighed.

"Do you know how much it annoys me knowing what you're doing?"

In that moment it seemed her jealousy would be taking the steering wheel, veering her toward confrontation.

But then his shoulders slumped. He looked so... defeated... and the softer part of her heart took control.

"Touching things that shouldn't be touched. Yanking on things that shouldn't be yanked," she continued on a different path but in the same frustrated tone.

"No, no. Nobody yanked on anything!" he defended and she took the smallest moment to internally celebrate that small reassurance.

"Really? Then how do you explain this?"

She rolled her chair back and kicked her legs around, showing Castle that they couldn't quite reach the floor - undeniable evidence that he had not only used her chair, but messed with its positioning.

"I've told you a million times not to mess with my chair," she scolded.

He looked confused.

"Right. No, I'm sorry. And it- it won't happen again."

There was no defence, no argument, nothing.

As that heaviness settled in again, she knew that this was serious, that it would take more than a stupid argument about a chair to distract him from this hurt, from Kyra. But that wouldn’t stop her from trying.

[prodigy-if]

hello. it's me.

again.

okay, for my defense, i am curious and love to learn new things in general and your if has captured my heart and attention. i also love when people talk about their OCs so,,, yeah :) and yours are all so lovely, i love them very much :((

since i asked a lot of questions already, i told myself i would refrain to ask some in the near future and then i saw you reblogged an other ask game and i just went

like !!! there are so many good questions on these posts ?? questions i didn't think about prior to reading that lol but now i'm only left with unanswered questions and theories

that's why i'd like to know what sparks genuine, unadulterated rage in them? (question 19)

i chose this one because i have absolutely 0 idea of what the answers could be tbh. i'm not even sure all of your OCs could feel that way

i really don't want to be annoying or anything and i promise i won't flood your inbox

Please don’t feel bad about sending in asks! I love receiving them and am super glad that you are liking my characters enough to keep sending them.

Also I totally understand where you are coming from about the questions on the ask memes. I can’t help but go 👀 every time see one because they make me consider questions I would never think about otherwise!

You are definitely not being annoying! Feel free to flood my inbox whenever you like lol. I don’t mind at all (it gives me something to do in my spare time).

As for the question…

19.) What sparks genuine, unadulterated rage in them?

Marlon cannot stand people who are just willing to live in stupidity and ignorance. The amount of rage that he gets filled with by individuals who have the means to educate themselves and just choose not to is completely indescribable.

Isla hates when people invalidate her opinions and feelings. She is an incredibly intelligent individual (she was a child prodigy for god’s sake) and she knows her own thoughts and opinions on things. She can’t stand people trying to “correct” her or invalidating her.

Cyrus despises individuals who think they are above everyone else. Everyone has weaknesses and flaws and he can’t help but roll his eyes at the people who act as if they don’t. He absolutely cannot stand people like that. It’s one of the few things that actually gets under his skin.

Naomi cannot stand the idea of people she admires not liking/ignoring her. She always tries her best to present herself as an intelligent and nice individual so when people don’t recognize that, it fills her with a deep sense of resentment that she can’t begin to describe.

Kieran loathes individuals that are unnecessarily cruel. There is nothing that disgusts and enrages them more than someone being cruel or hurting others just for the sake of it. It’s why the felt so strongly about pursuing a career that can help people.

[skepticalarrie]

Hi, How are you? I don't know why, but I have feeling Louis wants to change is fanbase, somehow? I don't know how to explain it, but the fact he's lying a lot lately, not just about F, but the 1D management? Am I the only one who remember his face everytime Liam did a speech in their favour? I know he can't throw them under a bus, but there's a big difference between that and saying they did everything they could for helping the boys and their mental health. I kind of feel he is trying to create a fanbase that forget easily, ready to defend him no matter what and just go with everything he says. I know it's sound stupid but, for me, you should always pay attention to the little things too, so it's kind of unsettling when he changes the answer to the same question in less that 4 months.

On top of that, looks like he wants to make a point that he's in charge of everything, or at least he has a say about everything.

So, in my mind, the options are two: he's lying now because he wants a less inquisitive fanbase (the one he created during the years, I might say), so he can be a little careless about how he talks and acts; or he lied before, and he liked the strong fanbase and used it for charts and tour (that would explain why start selling a tour before the CD and the documentary are out).

I feel like I need to brace myself 'cause I'm going to be in that part of the fandom he's ready to throw away. And it's gonna hurt,' cause I know what I believe in is his fault, and I'm pretty sure he knows too.

That's how I feel and I don't know how to change that. It's just me?

I mean, you feel how you feel... but I think you're trying to oversimply things and making a lot of assumptions based on more assumptions.

I agree that the way things were put in the last few interviews it feels like they're trying to tick all of the boxes of a certain narrative. Although I don't think Louis was necessarily lying about the hiatus or management - check out this post here - but I mean, if you're not reading between the lines, like many of us here are, things are definitely being done to come across in a way that is... weird. I totally agree that he's trying to sound like he's free, always been free, his management was always great, he didn't want to go on a hiatus but he was forced, etc etc etc. It's not exactly what he's saying, but it's definitely translated that way for a lot of people. And ooof, that's not believable in any scenario.

I don't get it either. And it bothers me. I feel like both Harry and Louis have been trying to play both sides a lot lately, and I'm really getting tired of it. I'm not sure for how long I'm still willing to stay here if they're playing this game. About your theories... like I said, I don't particularly follow this train of thought. But I definitely agree that this is becoming something really uncomfortable for a lot of people. For you, I think it all comes down to the fact you may think he doesn't have good intentions behind his actions... and if that's how you feel, there isn't much you can do about it. I don't blame you, things are complicated. Maybe just try to enjoy his music without getting involved any further?! I really don't know, love. I'm very frustrated as well

[unintentionaloracle]

Reassurance [Fic]

Me when I got (technically back) into wrestling: I'm not gonna write fanfic for this, most likely...

Me Now, lost in The Zowens Saga sauce: *writes this* Confound these Canadians, they drive me to feel and need to vent those feelings creatively!

KInda had to give myself some Zowens hurt/comfort after last SmackDown/the pessimism vibes setting in. Enjoy. (And sorry if I don't get their voices 100% its my first attempt at writing them like this.)

Summary: After The KO Show went awry, Kevin and Sami need to touch base on what they're gonna do going forward.

 Sami knew by the time they got to the hotel room that something was up.

 He had his suspicions on the car ride back from that night's SmackDown. Every time Sami tried to start a conversation, Kevin answered in a blunt, quick way. Like his mind was only on the road and elsewhere. Sami initially didn't pry, for the sake of his friend's space.

 But then Kevin sighed when they entered the room and aggressively threw his hoodie onto the bed. Yep, something is definitely eating at him, Sami thought.

 And if Sami was gonna continue to enjoy what he'd heard the others call their "honeymoon phase" and not have to crash alone again, he had to be persistent as usual. 

(Yes, he COULD crash with Cody, who always offered. But after hearing The American Nightmare talk in his sleep too much the one time he did, Sami always politely declined.)

 "Alright, what's up?" Sami said as Kevin sat down on the bed.

 "Nothing, it's stupid."

 "Come on, Kev. Not talking is what got us in this mess in the first place."

 Kevin didn't say a word.

 Sami started pacing. "Hey, if it's about the entrance thing, I'm sorry. We can do it your way next–"

 "Did we rush into this, Sami?" Kevin said, not making eye contact and stopping Sami dead in his tracks.

 "What?"

 "Tagging together. Did we rush into it? I mean, we haven't even had a tag match together in years and here we are, taking on the longest reigning champs next week at freaking WrestleMania. And if we weren't bickering over something as stupid as our entrances, we might not have had time to get blindsided by the freaking Usos!" Kevin pounded the bed and groaned in frustration.

 "Kevin..." Sami said, gently sitting down beside him. "Tonight was just a rough patch. I mean, obviously we've still got stuff to work out. It's just like ring rust. We'll just do what you've always done: keep fighting and it'll work itself out. We'll be back in the swing of it in no time and we're gonna win." He added, ignoring they had a week/two shows to go before WrestleMania.

 Kevin sighed. "I'm just...terrified I'm gonna lose you, again. Like you're gonna get caught up in all the love you're getting and leave me, again. Or I'm gonna get pissed for some reason and betray you again and regret it later but now I have to double down cuz it's too late, and–"

 Sami grabbed Kevin's hand, stilling him this time. "Kevin, you're not gonna lose me..." He sighed. "Maybe I am getting a little carried away, though..."

 "You're a pair of sunglasses, wild clothes, and an annoying laugh away from being Seth Rollins at his worst." Kevin teased.

 Sami laughed. "Aren't you guys kinda friends again?"

 Kevin smirked. "Doesn't mean I can't call him out for being a douche sometimes." Kevin leaned back. "His theme song is catchy, though." Sami then caught him mumble "Maybe I need to get one you can sing, too..."

 Oh.

 Sami turned to Kevin, "Hey, you get a lot of love, too. And honestly, why wouldn't you? You're insane in the ring and fire on the mic. And come on, have you seen what you've pulled off over the past year? You dragged freaking Stone Cold out of retirement to main event last year's first night of Mania, and fought tooth and nail with Seth Rollins to keep that spot! You tore Theory a new one with that one promo! You were one of the only people smart enough to see that Ezekiel was clearly Elias!"

 "Aha! So you admit I was right about it!"

 "You made compelling points in hindsight. Anyway, you took on The Bloodline single-handedly for like–forever! Hell, if I wasn't an idiot, you would have had Roman at WarGames."

 "You aren't an idiot–"

 "And you freaking had him at the Rumble, too! You should've won! AND YOU EVEN LAID OUT SOLO THAT ONE TIME THAT SHOULD'VE COUNTED BEFORE THAT! And...you didn't give up on me for the longest time..." Sami looked down. "And that's just some stuff from this year. Hell, if I start going further back, I could go on and on about the rest of your career," he chuckled before meeting Kevin's gaze again.

 "You know how you said you've been my biggest fan for twenty years? Well, I've been your biggest fan for twenty years. And there's no one I'd ever want to be in that ring with me–let alone in my corner or holding those tag titles up–than you, Kevin. I meant it when I said I love you."

 Kevin looked stunned. "...You're serious about this, aren't you? You're really sure?"

 Sami cupped his face. "Does this seem unsure to you?" Sami said, leaning towards him in a way that was slow enough for Kevin to realize what was happening and pull away if he wanted, but fast enough to not ruin the moment with awkwardness when Sami's lips finally met Kevin's.

 Given the way Sami felt KO's hands settle onto his sides, it was clear Sami had his permission to kiss him and kiss him hard.

 Sami pulled away, looking into Kevin's eyes with all the love in the world as he rested his forehead against his and stroked his cheeks with his thumb. "Did that clear things up for you?"

 Kevin looked almost a little flustered. He shook his head then smirked. "I dunno, you may have to run that last part by me again, Sami."

 Sami laughed. "I'll run it by you as many times as you need."

 "Good," Kevin said, "cuz I might have some things to run by you, too."

 "I'm listening intently."

 Pulling each other close, the tag partners began the next of many kisses that night, Sami throwing his arms around Kevin's neck as he leaned him back against the bed.

[one-sadistic-bitch]

Another A.I. generated Outlast fic

This one gets pretty deep if you read into it, it actually almost made me emotional

(My thoughts and annotations will be in red with parentheses)

I call this one: "Jeremy's Decent into Madness"

(I like to think that this is Jeremy's POV in some way and he believes that Rick is his psychologist as he slowly goes insane)

Work had just begun at Mount Massive asylum when the first bell rang that Saturday morning. The young psychologist Rick Trager told himself he would start to work on his theories of human behavior that very day. But as Rick approached his office, he saw a man who he realized must be Jeremy Blaire lying on the floor. Jeremy wasn't a newcomer to Mount Massive Asylum, and Rick suspected Jeremy would have to be found in order to see exactly why the young doctor should be anxious. Rick went in search of the two orderlies who would normally handle drunk Jeremy. Unfortunately, one of the orderlies reported that his other best friend was absent when the two went to fetch Jeremy from the dorm. Rick was left alone with Jeremy, where a drunken altercation was soon interrupted by a horrific explosion. The shock of the explosion caused Jeremy to lose consciousness, and Rick rushed to Jeremy's side. The massive explosion rocked Mount Massive Asylum, collapsing some of the interior walls and collapsing parts of the roof. Some of the roof tiles fell around Jeremy, who was still very drunk.

(In my mind this was something very small, like a burst pipe for example, causing a tiny piece of ceiling debris to fall on Jeremy, he's just grossly exaggerating in his mind)

"Rick! Help!" He cried.

Trager stared, wondering if he was dreaming. "Jeremy?" Trager looked around at the smoking wreckage.

He expected to be yelled at for not looking at Jeremy's safety earlier in the evening. But Rick had been consumed with Jeremy's dream. Trager felt angry that Jeremy had let him get worried over nothing, and angry that Jeremy had taken a drunken fall. But most of all, Trager felt angry at Jeremy, Jeremy's careless stupidity had ruined Rick's theories. He had never thought that one drunken drunken story about his father could cause this mess.

"Get up, loser." Rick kicked at Jeremy.

"No!" Jeremy coughed, choking on the blood in his mouth, and lifting his head.

Rick kicked again, trying to get the drunk to lift his head, and get to his feet. "Get up, Jeremy! Get up!"

"You're not going to hurt me, are you? I could have done that myself."

"Jer, I swear I won't hurt you." ... Rick kicked once more. "You could have died in a way that I couldn't help you." Rick kicked again. "You have no sense of your own safety. Trager just sits by the window, and you walk through walls."

Trager wanted to walk through walls with Jeremy, but he couldn't. All Rick could do was drugs. And his drugs had nothing to do with Jeremy's manipulation of the mental asylum. It was simply the result of Jeremy's talents in manipulation. Rick had tried to get the man to put a stop to Jeremy's drug usage. Trager took the stack of charts he was drawing on and stood, looking at Jeremy's angry face.

"This is all wrong." He looked around the room. "We haven't found Jeremy's talent for using antiserious dreams. This is Jeremy's fault."

(This part just cracks me up)

"How do you know this?"

"I'm the psychologist."

Jeremy frowned. "Says who? That's just a way of making yourself important."

Rick stood, glowering. "What am I supposed to do?"

Jeremy's expression went blank as he thought. "I could hire someone, but Jeremy uses his talent for getting things done himself."

(I love that the bot always makes Jeremy talk about himself in the third person)

"That's a lie. You just don't want him working on something that was only in his mind."

"So you need to get me off the drugs. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

Trager didn't answer. He stood silent. He wanted to leave Jeremy to his misery. After all, he did deserve it, he was a lying bastard. But it was his life. Why did he think he could stop Jeremy? One of the nurses came in.

(The nurse is just a secretary going along with the chaos so she doesn't get fired)

"Trager, Jeremy called you. Jeremy fell off the wagon, but he wants to get back onto his wagon. He wants his medicine."

"I can take Jeremy back to his room, Jeremy. I want my charts."

"Oh, go on."

Trager looked to Jer, who nodded. The nurse stepped forward, easing the man down onto his bed. Trager watched her as he took the chart in front of him. It was Jeremy's chart.

"Whatever it was I did to Jeremy, it wasn't sexual." Rick stated. "If you think I could do something to Jeremy that could cause this, then you are a fool."

"Oh, I think you can."

Trager pointed at the images, staring hard at Jeremy's room.

(His room is just some office and his bed is a couch)

"That's Jeremy's room." The nurse finished taking Jeremy's chart. "When you get this back to the psychiatrist, tell him that Jeremy never committed any of the crimes committed by Jeremy, Jeremy is innocent of Jeremy's crimes."

(This part I found SO funny. I like to think that Jeremy told her to say this.)

"Is that so, Jeremy?" Trager laughed loudly. "I can see all of these mental hospital patients screaming for their drugs. If you can let your drugs out, then I can see what you are doing with those patients. I'm not afraid of Jeremy, Jeremy."

...

Jeremy looked down. His feet were aching, they needed to get to the bathroom so he could take a hot shower. His body was covered with bruises and cuts, but he couldn't tell if any of them were serious. All he could remember was nightmares that went on for hours with no end in sight. He rested his hands on his knees.

(This part genuinely gets kinda sad)

"What kind of punishment is this?" Jeremy asked.

"No punishment." Trager's voice was loud as if he could make everyone hear him. "You just go out there and have a life. A good life. The life Jeremy wanted. And a healthy life." He picked up a picture of Rick and Jeremy together. "I had hopes for you, Jeremy."

Jeremy stood up and started to walk out, only to stopped. "Trager, do you know where my hospital room is?"

"No."

"Do you know the man behind you?"

Rick looked back. "Is he your babysitter?" Trager forced a laugh again. He walked quietly.

"Rick, come back!" Jeremy called, "Buddy!" He lifted his hand.

"Can we go to the movies next weekend, Jeremy? If you want to spend time with me, then you can get your prescriptions."

(His prescriptions from Rick are probably mints or something)

Jeremy glared at Rick. His face was painted with anger. Even if Rick had gotten his drugs, he wouldn't get those pills to Jeremy. "Get your blood pressure medication."

Jeremy looked at Rick. Rick shrugged and left.

(In this next part, I picture Jeremy sitting by a mirror, having a conversation with himself until Rick returns.)

Jeremy took a deep breath. "Jeremy, listen to what I have to say. That's how you can get your medications. When you get them back from Rick, you'll have to sleep with him."

"I don't want to!"

"You will."

"Mueller is my friend, Jeremy."

(Who tf is Mueller? Idk, his imaginary friend maybe?)

"You're new here, Jeremy. You haven't made any friends yet."

(Rick comes back and sees what's going on)

"Jeremy, sit." Rick insisted. "Sit back down."

(Still talking to himself vvv)

Jeremy was dead tired. He looked at Jeremy. Jeremy had left Rick. "Look, Jeremy, I don't think Rick has any control of you. Go to the auditorium and watch the movie. When Rick sees the bruises on your body, then he can find Jeremy."

(Now talking to Rick vvv)

"You can't be so cold." Jeremy said.

(We're back to sad again)

"Listen to me, Jeremy! Jeremy, You're dying!" Rick pleaded.

"I don't care." Jeremy lifted his fist.

"Don't punch me!" Trager yelled. "Look at your medicine, Jeremy. When I saw the pills, they were always in your pockets." Rick said. "The pills never came in bottles. The bottles aren't for Jeremy. How can you be so cold? Even if I help you out, if you don't sleep with me, I'll still bring your medications to you. You'll be in the hospital for longer than if you didn't."

Jeremy looked at Jeremy. Jeremy looked at Rick. They looked at each other and smiled.

There's more, but I thought this was a sweet ending (kind of). After this it quickly derails lol, but maybe I'll add it later.

[jessy-the-martian-girl]

Regarding some RE4R AUs... We all can see what we want, it doesn't give us any right to say that those, who doesn't see everything the very same way we do, are wrong/bad/stupid/cowards/boring and any other rude things that may come to one's mind...

Some confessions ahead. Summary: this world needs more love and kindness, not angry bickering about differences in perception.

Confession time: I'm not fond of serennedy (tbh, I don't even see that pairing as possibly existing - only like bromance kind at most, without sexual undertones). I don't really see Luis with Ada or Ashley or Krauser or Wesker (but I loved that set of stories with Ada/Helena pairing), and my secondary ship is Luis+Rebecca. I'm not into any other RE male character (Carlos and Leon are nice though, but no more than that, and I still need to see more of Karl - he has potential). And I don't think that that knife in remake would inevitably hurt Luis's spine to cause that much damage so that he stays disabled forever. Damaged lung - yes, problems with back muscles - yes, broken/severed spine/spinal cord - hardly. Only with very bad circumstances added to that kind of AU. And I personally can think of a few ways to do just that, but... I don't want to follow that path. I'm already too hurt by canon and some real life events to add to that pain.

But it's only me. And it's fine. I'm perfectly fine with people who see all of this differently than me. Untill they directly attack what I hold dear, of course (only then I'll bite). I respect their points of view. And I'm not gonna run around and try to push my ideas down others' throats. I won't call them names too - it's impolite at least. And it's something that I don't want to experience myself (again). Last time someone called me stupid and told me to shut up in seemingly open discussion of fan-theories - and I remained silent for about ten years. And I still won't comment on any HP theme 😅

So... The world needs more love and kindness, not angry bickering about differences in perception.

Anyways, if I ever want a story - and no-one gives me the one I want, I'll go and try to write it on my own. Just the way *I* wanna see it. And then, if I'm pleased with the result, I'll share that story to see if anyone out there see things the way I do.

[joy-of-life88]

Lace & Leather [a Damian Priest story] 23 Don't run

Katja POV

I looked up at Damian and held my breath waiting for his response. But even after several minutes, at least it felt like minutes, he still didn't give me an answer. Instead, he stared at me with his mouth hanging open. I was already beginning to worry. Had he perhaps not heard me? Judging from his face, he did, but I could not be sure.

"Damian? Did you hear me? Do you want-" I repeated only to be interrupted by him.

"I... I heard you. It's just...it's just that I don't know how to respond." he began to stutter and my heart stumbled a few beats before tightening painfully.

"Oh... I guess I know what that means. Just forget it." I replied in a barely controlled voice as I turned to my other side so I didn't have to look at him any longer.

"Bluebell listen... you know I love you.... But this is too fast! We've only been together for two weeks. I... this... We can't do this." he stammered as he grabbed my shoulder to turn me back to face him.

I lay on my back and saw the conflict in his eyes. I knew he didn't want to hurt me, but it was already too late for that. My feelings were already hurt.

"I get it. You don't want to. Let's just pretend I didn't say anything." I mumbled as I wiped the tears from my cheek.

"How can I forget this? It's a serious fucking thing! It's just... it's complicated after everything that has happened." he replied as he tried to hold my gaze, but I avoided his eyes.

"That's the reason? You don't trust me..." I whispered.

"Kat, look, you've had a very upsetting day. And I don't think now is the best time to talk about it and make any decisions. Let's talk about it tomorrow after you've had time to calm down. It's better to let the subject rest now before we say things we can't take back," Damian replied.

Without saying a word, I turned away from him again and pulled the blanket over me as far as I could. Yet again, hot tears ran incessantly down my cheeks as I tried to sniffle as quietly as I could.

"Bluebell?" I heard D say, but decided not to answer.

I was already having a hard time not breaking down completely. When he got no reaction from me, Damian sighed deeply before I felt the bed move. He was probably going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I heard the door close quietly and the water run. Immediately I tried to breathe deeply, but I couldn't.

When he came back I decided to pretend to sleep, but I was aware that I would probably not find any sleep that night. My thoughts were spinning far too much for that. What was I still doing here anyway? I could already hear the gossip. It was probably better not to accompany D to RAW. I didn't want the pity of the others.

First she gets knocked up and then she gets fired. Now she has nothing. She can't even provide for her daughter. She is a failure. Again and again I heard these words in my head.

Damian POV

All night I tried to figure out how to explain to my Bluebell why I couldn't just say yes. The truth was so complicated and maybe stupid to outsiders. But in my head it made sense.

First of all, after two weeks it was of course too early for such a big step. Even though we had a baby. And even though I didn't like to admit it to myself, I was a little unsure where this was leading us. I love Kat and Hazel, but we hardly knew each other. I also couldn't shake the fact that it still nagged at me to not have known about our daughter for so long. Then there was the fact that Kat was hurt and upset after the thing with Theory and Vince.

And then there was the little tugging feeling that I did mind Kat asking me. I was aware that it was old-fashioned and stupid, but I wanted to be the one who, when the time was right, asked my beloved for her hand in marriage.

At some point during the night, I did fall asleep. I was just exhausted, emotionally and physically. But when I woke up in the morning the first thing I thought of was Bluebell. I had to explain to her why I hesitated to answer her question.

With closed eyes I let my hand slide over the sheet to be able to pull Kat to me. I hoped that she had calmed down a little and would now let me. But my hand found nothing but a cold sheet and an abandoned pillow. Panicking, I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Kat was gone. I jumped out of bed and looked for Hazel, but her crib was also empty.

Immediately I noticed that all her things were gone. Nothing indicated that she had been here at all. I quickly put on a pair of sweatpants in addition to the t-shirt I wore to sleep. I slipped on my shoes and ran out of the room to the elevator. There stood my two as they waited for the elevator. Thank God I wasn't too late.

"Kat!" I shouted loudly. But she ignored me.

"Where are you going?" I wanted to know as I now stood in front of her.

"Home. I have no reason to be here anymore. Call me if you want to visit Hazel." she mumbled as she pressed the button again.

"You're not going home, Kat! You're running away! Again!" I retorted.

"I'm not running away. I just don't see any reason to stay! I've blown it. Again. I'm just making it easier for you D. You made your point." she said without looking at me as the door of the elevator opened and she was about to enter it with stroller and suitcase.

But I put myself between them so that they could not go in. Now she looked at me. Kat's eyes were swollen and red. Her gaze held so much pain that it was hard to bear.

"The only thing you're doing is being stubborn. I love you and I never said I didn't want to marry you, damn it. I just don't think it's the right time. But that's no reason to give up and run away. You know I said I wasn't going to let you get out of my life again and I meant it! Kat, you can't run every time things get tough. I don't deserve this. Hazel doesn't deserve this and you can't keep doing this to yourself!" I growled as I tried to suppress my anger.

"This will always stand between us, Damian. Tell me how we're going to recover from this?" she wanted to know.

"Well, not by running away from it. We talk about it. Like adults. We'll work it out. Come back to our room and we'll talk about it." I replied as I walked towards her to give her a hug.

Kat looked up at me and I saw tears appearing again in her beautiful eyes. I wrapped her in my arms and pressed her face to my chest as I stroked her back.

"I'm sorry, D. I'm just so overwhelmed." she whispered, sniffling.

"I know. But please don't ever forget that I'll always be there. We are a family. I love you guys." I replied as I now took her face in my hands and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"I love you too." breathed Bluebell, reaching out to me.

We kissed softly and slowly until we heard a small, impatient whimper.

"I love you too, Hazelnut." said Kat softly to a kicking Hazel.

I then took the suitcase in one hand and Bluebell's hand in the other as I led my girls back in the direction of our room. We went inside and Kat took Hazel out of the stroller to snuggle with our baby. But the moment was cut short when suddenly Kat's phone rang.

"Can you take her?" she asked me and all too gladly I took our little one in my arms.

"It's Hunter!" said Bluebell as she looked at me with wide eyes.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi again 😊 I'm sending so more info in hope you could help me and our previous talk just in case

* love criminal stories, adore guessing what happened and people motivations and * easily notice patterns or inaccuracies in world around * when like something or someone it often becomes her obsession * nitpicking and easily irritated when stressed * really objective, can see things from different perspectives * envy characters in tv/book/celebrities who have personality or look wish for and try to become like them * aesthetic loving person, really love fashion, architecture, movies from Tim Burton and Wes Anderson * want to be liked but have elitist taste in people, not everyone is 'worthy' * "im not like others", want to be unique and special but still liked and fit in * sensitive to criticism, easily hurt, takes everything to heart * have strong likes and dislikes but also can change her mind about things when learning new things about it * when choosing college I went where my friends and choose major that seemed cool in that moment * in last part of Bridget Jones when she choose Mark instead of Jack - couldn't believe how stupid ending was and how she choose person not most compatible with her who make her feel good and not stupid but one (which life proven before many times) are completely opposite and it simply don't have right to work out * daydream a lot, when I'm watching something or reading or just sitting in the bus * love justice, when my team won but I know I was unfair I tend to cheer up for other team next time * over-think what people think of me, if what I said was stupid or boring * like gossips and theories, I like to look at them from different perspectives and find out others opinions * often say or do things without thinking it through

I'm almost sure that I'm Fi and Se user (Isfp or Esfp, eventually Enfp or Enfj) and enneagram is either 9w1 or 4w3

Hi Charity 🙂 I struggle so much to find my type. I feel like finding it could help with creating/finding myself you know. I want to have this one perfect vision of mysel and become this person. Whole my life I’ve been trying to my true self, once Rory from Gilmore Girls, then Blair from Gossip Girl, sad artist, nicest girl next door, badass. I’m so sick of it, of being everyone and no one at the same time. I just want to find one route and stick to it. Like I want to be remembered as this concrete person. I don’t care if people think I’m too nice or too rude or fake. Being in the middle, mediocre, not distinguish around others, not knowing who you really are is awful feeling. 

You are too interested in reading between the lines and hypothesis to be inferior Ni, so if you are sure of Fi, ISFP. You also seem like an attachment type, so I would look at 3, 6, or 9. There's some 3 stuff in what you wrote, but the lack of a sense of self, being everyone and no one at the same time, is also 9ish.

[go-to-the-mirror]

chains? wtf is this? a dungeon??

do they have chains in modern day prisons? i really don't think they have chains in modern day prisons. did elias just get the chains for show?

anyway, welcome to your regularly scheduled rambling! I have thoughts about this episode, so, be prepared for good words :D!

@a-mag-a-day

CWs for suicide/self-sacrifice (discussed, canon-typical)

ELIAS Come on, Martin, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you; let’s not start with lies.

For some reason, the "let's not start with lies" part of this sounds a lot like Zolf Smith from RQG. Yes, I know Ben Meredith voices both of them, but this sounds a lot like Zolf, more than Elias usually.

ELIAS My relationship to the apocalypse is more… complicated.

Bastard.

ELIAS In my case, while Peter has talked of it before, it is only very recently that I’ve been forced to admit The Extinction is real. And as for our dear Archivist, I’m afraid I no longer have any real control over what he does or does not know. Unlike yourself.

HE SAYS, HIDING IN PRISON BECAUSE OTHERWISE JON'LL KNOW ABOUT HIS *tim voice* SPOOKY EVIL PLANS.

MARTIN Yeah well, I’m still not sure I really believe it. A-And I don’t— I’m… ELIAS Worried he might charge off into another coffin?

Like, alright, whatever, it's a valid fear, I'd understand why Martin would be worried about that, I'd be worried about that in Martin's position. But, well, I'm not in Martin's position, not with this. I've been on the other side of that, and... I mean he's not talking to Jon but this line in MAG 199:

MARTIN And you can’t just arbitrarily decide it isn’t, because you want a better reason to martyr yourself! ARCHIVIST That’s not what’s happening! MARTIN Isn’t it?

It just feels similar to me, people throwing that you did something stupid once back in your face, it stings, it hurts. It feels like they don't trust you anymore, to me... it feels like they're... using it as... like a way to hurt you, and I understand that Martin's worried here, and yeah Jon's not exactly the fondest of living in this episode or 199, but... I don't know... I just think that hearing that Martin's motivation -- at least partially -- for dealing with the extinction on his own was worrying about Jon charging off into another coffin would probably make him feel guilty, and ashamed, and hurt, and feel the urge to jump into another coffin because it's awkward and it's private.

MARTIN (Incredulous) What? That’s it? No, no monologue? No mind games? You love manipulating people. ELIAS That makes two of us. But no, this too important for me to jeopardise with cheap “mind games”. I simply have to trust that when the time comes, you’ll make the right choice.

Oh really? Oh, really, mate? Bloody hell, I want to punch him.

What we built at Millbank should be left well enough alone, resigned to the nightmares of the reprobates and brigands contained within its walls.

Literally, must I point it out?

Did I ever tell you about the dreams? I’m sure I must have. I would dream about them, you see, as a young man. Long before I devised my taxonomy. I would find myself in nightmares of strange far-off places: a field of graves, a grasping tunnel, an abattoir knee deep in pigs’ blood. I believed then, as I still believe now, that these places I saw were the Powers themselves, expressed in their truest form, far more entirely than any secret book can claim. And if, as I came to believe, the Dread Powers were themselves places of a sort, then surely with the right space, the right architecture, they could be contained. Channelled. Harnessed.

Mass ritual? With the dreams, I still hear the song in my dreams, the different fears, the looking up and the sky blinks like??? Was the reform club an unknowing attempt at a mass ritual -- or no, not unknowing, without understanding. He intended to channel all of them for "balance," presumably, but instead he channelled all of them for... not a lovely time in spooky tunnels. These are wild theories I'm throwing out here but... it's not that far fetched.

Apocalypse. Apotheosis.

Look, I just like this line. I quote it so much.

I wonder, did my work bring about these dreadful things, or did I simply develop the means by which they can be known?

Actually... both, sort of? I mean, I'm not sure about the rituals, but the powers themselves... I'm not saying that he was right or whatever, but I am saying that his classification system was so popular that it shaped the fears themselves, you know as a mag a day said before, dreams are shaped by the dreamers.

Fictionalized Robert Smirke learn about spectrums challenge.

I have been dreaming again, Jonah. The same every night for months now. I imagine myself a boy again at Aspley. I awake, cold and alone, in the dormitory. The sky outside is dark and I see no stars. I light a candle to better see my way and step down the silent corridor. The masters’ rooms are empty, the fire in the kitchen is dead. Eventually my steps lead out into the courtyard. It is so quiet that the sound of my feet upon the grass is painful to my ears. I stop and look up at the sky, that empty black nothing and I see the edges of the horizon becoming a dull white. I cannot understand what I am looking at. And then the sky blinks. And I awake.

(MAG 138)

And at last, the Archivist looks up. At last he looks into the eye that sees all and knows all and clutches at the secret terrors of your heart. The ceaseless watcher of all that is and all that was. The voracious infinite hunger that tears at his soul, invoking him to discover, to observe, to experience all and everything and forever. It stares into him and it stares out of him and he is falling into the devouring eternity of its pupil. He wants to cry out in horror, but he cannot. He is whole.

(MAG 120)

ARCHIVIST Look at the sky, Martin. Look at the sky. It’s looking back.

(MAG 160)

Well. Looking up, the sky looks back, ooooh foreshadowing, sort of. I just, I just love it! Like dreaming, and then the eyepocolypse is dream logic and all and it's I don't know just look at these quotes I took.

Last night I was awoken by a noise from the drawing room. [...] It was then I began composing this letter.

This section is pretty spooky! I like it :3

Uh, a-apparently Robert Smirke was found collapsed in his study that evening, dead of, uh, “apoplexy”.

Used to refer to a stroke.

Good luck, Jon, I— Stay safe.

HE WAS ABOUT TO SAY I LOVE YOU D:

stop pining and just gouge your eyes out and make out, I beg.

Anyway, fun episode! Pretty spooky! Oversharing on tumblr dot com, sorry lol. can't wait till chosen tomorrow :3