#dont move anything in nature!!!
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sneepy cozy time....
#cats#longing to one day hopefully feel sleepy cozy like this again...#There was a pretty cool week here so I thought we had progressed closer to cool fall weather but... NO#..wrong!! It's like 80F in my room right now and was 98F outside yesterday. We get two more 'cooler' days and then#it starts going up again and will be in the high 90s possibly 100 something later this week#in my mind september should be COOOOOLLLL!!!!! or at least STARTING to get there.. Like mid 80s at the highest.#I am going to explode the world with evil wizard powers aaRGHaaHHHHHHHH#OR at least it should get down really low at night. I think thats the main thing is if it's 95 in the day and only 62 for like 3 hours in#the middle of the night then even leaving a fan in windows all night is not enough to fully cool down the house because its just not#enough cold air or cool for long enough. If it were 98 in the day but 15F outside at night then you could probably bring cool air inside al#night and your house would be at a relatively low starting point for the next days heat.#Like for example - in my apartment on a hot and sunny day. Even with every window#closed and blocked off with thick layers of reflective stuff and also not using the stove or doing anything to generate heat - the apartmen#will still go up on average about 6 - 8 degrees in one day. Peaking around 8 - 10pm night time. If I start off with the house cooled down#to 60F. then the highest it would get is 66 - 68 which is tolerable#.But if the lowest I can cool the apartment all night is still only 75F#then it's going to be 81 - 83F by the end of the day. So really it would be bearable (ISH)#for it to be warm as long as it was colder at night.#Though still the IDEAL is to not have to structure my life around envrionmental management and constantly be checking the#outdoor temperature so I can put the fans in the second that it's colder outside than it is inside and putting elaborate curtain systems#up and down at the exact right times and meal prepping 4 days in advance so I dont have to use the stove for 3 days and blah blah blah#Life in the colder weather months is so effortless and breezy in that sense. I can just have the window open all day and get natural light.#I can cook whatever I want. I can wear what I like. I can move around the house freely without needing to always#carry a fan around with me or douse myself in water.#ANYWAY.... oh if only that were me.... snuggled in a warm blanket ... a comforting wintery image...
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This is what it feels like being a hex fan sometimes, like its not even a twitter issue (and in a sense its not necessarily an issue, sometimes ppl just wanna have fun n not spout theories n discussion 24/7! I get that!) but i feel like a lot of people r quick to write off aspects of the game and characters and insist that, despite it being a mullinsverse title, it's not that deep/things are surface level
#This goes for a lot of characters. you can already guess one of them since i defend his honor constantly here#but like. I've seen a lot of people brush off Irving as just 'the big bad' and insist theres nothing deeper to his character#than just being an abusive villain#he very much IS an abusive villain. Irving is not Irving if he isn't a metaphor for abuse in the video game industry#but that doesnt mean you can't. lets say. interpret his relationship with Lionel as something more than just 'ai assistant n his dev'#that doesnt mean you cant read inbetween the lines n point out *he cares about Lionel. and that a good chunk of his motivations r bc of him#Irving is rightfully hated but often times I get. nervous. that one of these days someone is gonna accuse me of being a sympathizer#or making him act 'ooc' or giving him grace when he doesnt deserve it#bc god forbid someone in a game where every character has layers. has layers#regardless: no discussion about Irving really leaves raw hatred or 'omg hes hot' anyways#Bryce is also a good example cause when he's not being a horrible yaoi fodder victim#Everyone just says 'Oh hes so nice! He's so kind! I feel bad for him!' and moves on#No one wants to pick apart that he's not a pure angelic soul who gets pushed around. that hes nuanced#and that there is very much commentary that ties to his black identity and the forced role of 'fighter'#To many Bryce's story is simple; got put in CAX and then he got out n granny died and it was REALLY bad#and then they dont care to analyze him further than that. i understand that the nature of the game leaves some characters underdeveloped#But there is still very much a lot to pick apart with every character in the game; sadly a lot of people don't care to do anything w/ it#feels like that en mass the fandom has this air of anti-discussion despite the source material. idk man idk#Im goin to bed early lol ive been tired ever since i got back from school#but yeah. my opinions
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i honestly love having arguments that escalate to the point where the sensitive parent yells something incredibly disturbing and it's not even the first time this has happened but when it does happen you know shit's bad
#:-)#the nature of my autistic adhd is for some reason i attract fights like a magnet#if i'm too honest i cause fights if i'm not honest enough i cause fights if i don't say anything then why-didn't-you-tell-me oh idk.#maybe because you were busy telling me how i'm wrong#audhd#demand avoidance sucks ass. i can't tell if i don't want to do the thing because you're asking me or because i genuinely#don't have the capacity#it's probably both#it takes me such a fucken . long time to do anything. my processing speed is ass#i have to work slowly on anything to avoid missing details and#i don't know what counts as an average acceptible quality before moving on#im the only grandchild who has helped with rennovations on the late grandparents' place and yet#im a disappointment when i dont want to help#i just. i detest when i get given a false choice. then the choice i make is the wrong one.
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last night i was poking around in my mouth as u do and i reached back where i had always felt this hard thing w my tongue for awhile now but was like ah maybe it's just like. my gums being inflamed in the back or smthn BUT,, no i poked that thing with my fingernail n it is a tooth that is a whole ass wisdom tooth
#NO WONDER... MY JAW IS IN PAIN ALMOST ALL THE TIME.... HUH..#i wonder if that period where i literally couldnt move my jaw from the pain for like a week was when it was emerging#otherwise the pain is like not awful. not bad enough it's noticeable u know im used to it i have so many aches n pains in my body naturally#like my entire head has a constant ache. if u touch my cheekbones ill drop my head like a cat into ur hand dude it is .#it's like the most relieving ache . like u have just lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. and it's been that way since i was a kid#i think i googled if thats what it was before n they were like no if it were your wisdom tooth youd know :) it would hurt u so bad#which i despise btw because this means nothing to me BHJAH.... like they said the same thing when i broke my foot the nurse that did intake#i was a kid & she was like dont worry if it were broken youd know and you wouldnt have walked in here on it ... fellas . it was broken#& i could never see anything when i looked in the mirror#but it's just because it's slightly covered by like swollen gums back there which i always thought was just because i chewed too hard#but.#no i guess it;s because something was erupting like an alien#i used my lil pokey tool to squish em out of the way and i can see it#it's so weird just having a tooth u know u shouldnt#like i . i want to just grab it i want to just hold it in my hand#why does it have to be so securely in place whihc is something i wouldnt never say for my other teeth HJBA#i am not going 2 have it removed any time soon im .#i have wanted to go to the dentist my whole life but i am too scared#esp w the damage from my ed and depression im so embarrassed#i honestly want to though#there is nothing that would make me feel more like an actual person then to just. get a cleaning#get my maintenance done LMAO#i do my best at home but u kno#i use an electric spinning toothbrush i floss i use mouthwash i do it all 2 try n handle what damage there already is#but it still would do wonders for my mental health and oral health#apparently partial impactions which is what i have can be really bad n get infected so . aha...h. 👍:).. ..h.
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i know everyone and their mother hates shun'eis design but looking at it literally kills me . 8975349 more thoughts about it in the tags
#shun'ei#the king of fighters#vanart#Its just. So bad its so busy with colors and all the weird things he wears#I get all protagonists have used the trends at the time but#they wanted a modern look so bad but it doesnt even tell anything about his character he just looks like a shitty gacha guy#He looks like a otaku from a big city that goes to arcades after school and is inspired from those games to learn fighting to me#Not a sheltered boy that lives with his martial arts master in the mountains#Though i still wanted to keep some of that chuuni look with the hair shape & the asymmetrical thing he has with his stupid pant leg#So i added a ribbon around his ankle&moved his armband to the opposite direction#And gave him older headphones so it fits better with the design#Btw i got his shoes from his xiv costume#I also kept the past protagonists in mind so he can look distinct but also fit with them#For example kyo&ash have natural hair colors while k'&shun'ei dont (though changed it to plum because cyan stands out too much)#And i didnt wanna keep his emo bang because ash already has it#thought about making him wear his jacket open like kyo but it looke nicer around his waist i think#He looks too similar to kim and doesnt stand out too much but i cant come up with something better rn..#I didnt research about chinese clothing though because i wasnt sure where to look so maybe i fucked up something
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Okay also the wrestling with images and meaning. Conceptually. I think ive come to terms with....... that image is like. A pinup. On the sauciness scale. it ISNT really. objectionable in any reasonable way or particularly.... scandalizing. (I think???) but. certain viewers may. may. pick up on the authorial intent. or perhaps. mood or mode in which it was produced.... just a thought.....
#some shit#all is which to say...... I KNOW. what i did. i POSED EM. i know where i placed a tasteful little hightlight. etc.#ITS JUST. given me more to think about that hdbdndnf then. redraws where i move the hands. which are just to add some. emotional flare#OR. the. violence redraws which are to communicate the. thematical charged... nature.....#or even that one bday megs i drew which... well theres not really much ambiguity on that one at all is there. But i was in a mania so.#NO ONE. is required to do anything with this information. tho perhaps it may be of note#MOSTLY. im just. contemplating and processing the. well process. of a new experience. Its Fun :D#but also i dont think IM. at a place to share or discuss the ROBOT PINUP. i drew with non blog people.#and also i realised cropping it would make it look. MORE... aha...#so. so u know. contemplation. as i try not to rethink my assessment in BOTH directions. even as im typing this.
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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#personal#once again yearning but not willing to do anything about it :)))))))))#i was FINE until i had to talk about it last night. i didnt Expect to talk about it. oh god oh god#but then HHHHHHH i hate that i talk about it so much. and i KNOE the answer is to just tell him i like him#or to ask him out but !!!!@@#im not ready !!!#i need to get a job first. like im so serious Zbfjfjdjdjjd#bc if i tell him or ask him... REGARDLESS of his answer. o im gonna be distracted#and i will not have my future ruined by a guy. nooo fuckin WAY.#and like !!@@ hes working so much anyway. like we're talkin unpaid overtime#but hes hung out with me (and other ppl) twice regardless.... but still HDJDJDJFJ#ugh idk#im so tired of thinking about this#im worried i'll ruin my chances the more i dont act. but its like.... GOD IDK. i like him so much its like. debilitating ????????#is that the right word idk#i just.... i think im not ready#and if he moves on then ok that sucks but then at least i'll have an answer....????#god idek#and like one of my friends got asked out by 2 different guys n im like HFJFJJFJFJDJDJDJDJ#GOD. this man is never gonna ask me out. like i think hes Shy. im so. IDK. im also older. like. i think im gonna have to make th3 move#but i wanna be SURE about it. bc like relationships are scary#and i dont wanna start something im not ready for#im kinda hoping that things will happen 'naturally' like they have all along hhhhhhhh
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Shout out to anyone sick on Christmas and is feeling lonely and forgotten.
#is it really vagueblogging if everyone knows its about me#mom said she'd bring me food and she has not#the sister i literally live with doesnt check if i need anything when she gets home from chistmas at moms#when my brother cant (or doesnt) come to christmas someone will call or facetime him and pass him around the house#but not me??#im sure they think theyd just be bothering me but still#im surr they also rhink my sister is actually help take care of me but no i dont even see her unless i message her to grt me somrthing#ive literslly never treated any of them like this when theyrr sick#but ignore me i have major depression and being sick just naturally makes it worse#worst christmas ive ever had honestly#this isnt even the first day im sick ive been sick for like 4 days now#and i only saw my mom when i complained about her not even checking up on me when she came over to move all the decorations to her house#you were in my house (technically her house) and didnt even see if i had eaten anything that day?? (i hadnt)
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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i read about happy bird behavior cos idk anything about birds but now that im looking i can see her doin little beak stuff like chirping and she looks at me shes happy bird i
#99.txt#MY BIRD FRIEND#im gona cry for real. <- he is moved by the miracle of nature#why does this bird like me so much ..... i dont put food out or anything i dont even go outside kgjdshg
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missing autumn colors this morning
#digi discusses#i love LA i really do i just. miss seeing the trees change more than anything#just realized even though i have seen fall leaves since moving i have not actually been able to see them change and now im beside myself#no depression october is challenging when you have been missing home#hyperfixating on teen exo and oxII back to back fucked me up dude haha#games that look you in the eye and go you miss feeling safe in nature dont you. and then you cry like a little baby and nod silently#hang on googling where can you actually experience seasons in california
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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...so that was awful. anyone wanna rewatch haikyuu with me
#okay but im gonna. word vomit abt the dsmp for a bit in the tagsr#i spent close to two years fixated on it. sometimes it felt like my whole life revolved around it man it was bad#one of my sketchbooks is literally FILLED with dsmp fanart. i didnt even do it on purpose its just that it literally took up every waking#thought i ever had and every time i drew anything it was them#i knew every single little detail about everything that ever happened on that server ever#i still do#but recently ive just been moving away from it#just like. naturally. you have to move on from things eventually no matter how good they were#the one thing that stuck by me tho is the themes in the dsmp#and between the characters dynamics w each other and their environments and their narratives#even after that whole shitshow i still like looking back on all that cuz it was genuienly great. intentional or not#but thats why the ending infuriates me so much#aside from the fact that its jsut cheap and awful and has no regard to the characters theyve spent years crafting and we've spent years#caring about and the fact that it just gave the complete wrong message about abusers and victims#oh and the fact that ccdream is literally awful#it threw all of those themes completely out the window#i am UNINTERESTED in the plot and storyline of the dsmp. it was the themes that i cared about and they couldnt even do THAT justice#it pisses me off#but whatever. i dont wanna look back on this bitterly in the future i rly enjoyed my time in that fandom even if i could never go back#so. ill get over it#dsmp#neg#negativity#discourse#<- jic
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YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...
TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!
esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️
#snap chats#LISTEN i think we all just have to accept at this point any time there's a story about a doting father or fts a doting father#i will cry like its unavoidable. so whether my life's falling apart that week or everything's fine#There Will Be No Difference In How Much I Cry ☠️☠️ im just built terribly what can i say it makes for GREAT inspo tho#tonbi WAS real cute tho and i did enjoy it a lot Because yasu did remind me of my dad a lot#very lucky to say my dad's never slapped me or thrown water in my face tho so LMAO BUT FOR THE MOST PART Yeah...#in a way it weirdly felt like watching an AU of my life. if i may sound insane. listen i already said the kid's name had me twisted LISTEN#fr tho cause ive always wondered what my life wouldve been like if i was able to be raised by my dad instead#im gonna make myself start crying if i get too deep into it LMAO NEEDLESS TO SAY i really enjoyed the movie :)#EVIL that they really did let us see akira get married and now yasu gotta give a speech and If He IS Anything Like My Dad#i know damn well he was winging it and didn't prep a script and I Will Start Crying if i think back to my sis's wedding#STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON#said i wasnt gonna talk bout the movie/my dad anymore lest i make myself UPSET yet here i am... always saying more when i shouldnt ☠️#but yeah... i have ONE (1) more comm this week Lest Someone Wants To Snipe A Spot IDK#SO im gon do that :]#and im kinda tired rn... but the uncertainty of how much time i have nowadays urges me to work on it a bit#i dont THINK it should take super long but it IS a full-rendered piece so.... it will take time needless to say#n e way not to sound insane but nakai is An Endearing Chap. is the most sane way i can put it#i mentioned it durin a stream but somethin bout him just naturally exudes cute... idk... im delirious probably ANYWAY BYE FR NOW#CANNOT WAIT for next week to be harassed 🥰🥰
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im going through a very heartbreaking thing rn and theres no way to explain it without seeming deranged.
#lasi.txt#so basically: followers of this blog will know that i like the young avengers#you may also recall that theyve been living in my brain for around 2 years now#that is the topic of this post: my daydreaming#the version of the young avengers in my brain was created on purpose i think. it was supposed to be a mcu version of the ya#because i started daydreaming about them when wandavision released and i learned about tommy and billy#the original version of this was very embarassing. notes on it live in my notion. the lineup included harvey keener and many champions.#in the past 2 years that 'storyline' has remained: everything going up in my brain is a show#there are 2 seasons where season 2 is divided into A and B and there is a movie#but also i imagined so much with my lineup. thats where my daydreaming kicks in.#my characters went through everything i went through in the past 2 but as actors in their show#in doing so they became entirely different characters and little versions of me. and theyve been with me. for two. full. years.#this isnt out of the ordinary to me. before this i have 3 different daydream stories that all stuck with me for months#these are constant daydreams. im always thinking of the same little people for months at a time.#but recently a new story has taken over. its a new story im developing#i like thinking about this new story a bunch but one day i realized that i wasnt thinking about the young avengers#something about that shattered my soul inside. these characters that live inside my brain that i will never write anything with are ME.#i dont want to lose them. but this is just a natural process that my own brain.#but i dont want to move on all of a sudden. there is so much that happened in my head with the young avengers#im fighting my own brain trying to bring back things my brain itself made but that my brain itself is trying to take away#i will probably think about the jewel guard (new story) for a few months if not years. but god..#and im not thinking of them anymore and i keep trying to and i just cant. im losing them#the feeling of my characters (that are not even mine) being taken away makes me want to throw up#these characters were ME. i gave them EVERYTHING. i gave them my fears and they turned them into confidence.#and let me remind you: this is all in my own brain.#goddddd. this is why the base text of this post is what it is cuz i really do sound crazy omg#there really is no way to explain all of this without sounding crazy
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