#dracula has a mullet

[fetidfruit]

application.

── ( sophie thatcher. twenty-four. nonbinary, she/they. ) thank god you’re here, man - have you seen PATTI FONTAINE anywhere? i totally lost them after their rendition of creep by radiohead last night. no? they’re like, aye - high and go to PALLADIAN - i think they’re a JUNIOR studying GOTHIC FILM STUDIES & CLAYMATION? but who knows, these days. all i know is that they’re DEADPAN, SARCASTIC and a SCORPIO . last night they kept going on and on about how they won PRINCE OF THE RATS last year, which is cool and whatever, but i just wouldn’t expect it out of them, considering they’re so, like, OFFPUTTING and WITHDRAWN, you know? anyways - i’m going to check down by fourm darkrooms, i think that’s where they like to hang. text me if you see them, okay? bye! / as penned by nai, 28, gmt.

student file.

full name — patricia violet fontaine.

nickname(s) — patti. patricia is FORBIDDEN for UGLINESS (patti's words not mine)

place of birth — yorkshire dales.

date of birth & age — nov 2nd, twenty-four.

gender / pronouns — nb, she/they.

sexuality — bisexual.

dormitory — holland hall.

interests — spiders. bats. the most low budget gore in the tubi horror section. amanda from saw. foxes screaming in the dead of night. mary shelley. body horror. the black mould in jk rowlings bedroom. bram stoker's dracula. sad clowns. niche french films with delayed subtitles. lynchian everything. over exposed photography. goth modded bratz dolls. black coffee. moths. this one black ram doll in a long victorian nightgown their dad made them. black cats discordantly strutting piano keys. saint sebastian's pierced arrow. shadow puppets. upturning stones to find weird bugs. ethel cain. black veils worn for no reason. engraved hatchets. spaghetti dyed black like demon worms. hybrid taxidermy (i.e. bat winged fawn). red contacts. biblical monsters.

aversions — shawn mendes. not being able to make ur teeth fall out or grow sharp at will. LA influencers. harry styles' hairline. minimalism. coasters. people who say they were cyber bullied. churches without massive fuck off organs. loud traffic when ur trying to sleep. leaving the house in the cold without wearing a huge russian babushka fur hat. not having horns. men who don't bark on all fours when politely requested to. badger hunting. yappy dogs. broken yolks. loose ends that haunt u. being asked to explain what a film means. receiving sympathy.

quirks — playing the organ (learned at church growing up). has birthed several lambs and horses by hand. sometimes bites themselves. finds the flagellation of christ erotic.

notable features — eye makeup like a hot boxed raccoon. choppy mullet. sometimes long flowing victorian gowns n fuckass boots, sometimes tit bound n suited, depends on the appetite for androgyny that day!

general disposition — foreboding frankly. sometimes cackles sometimes is silent n staring. forrest gump voice: u never kno what u gon get! loves to bully. r they joking r they not? that's a secret i'll never tell...

public record.

ok so. grew up at a farm in the yorkshire dales bt then her parents split n narcissistic mum moved to london to hop around finding the richest option to move on dot com. wound up at a fancy ass townhouse in kensington so cherCHING mission successful n now patti has a 9 yr old stepbrother who they lowkey suspect is a sociopath / future serial killer bt they're obsessed w him so they overlook it temporarily bc like in fairness they're like. ok maybe i'd grow up to be a serial killer if i had to spend that time w our mum fr. so ya lived between two homes from then on #divorce n always preferred the farm. bestiesssss w their dad who is also neurodivergent like patti so they kind of hv always just Got each other n bonded as such. he's a bit of an eccentric n talks more to his farm animals than people bt he's patti's beloved n role model despite hw much flack their mum gives him fr being different.

(missing person tw incoming) alwyas a bit of a black sheep ugly duckling in school bt somehow bonded w a sweetie coded ray of sunshine who had dyed pink hair at the ripe age of 13 n used to always scrunch up her nose when she laughed (regularly milkshake wld come out of her nose upon such occasions). they were besties n thick as thieves and each other's favourite person in the world. vaguely homoerotic undertones never acknowledged. both patti n bestie (name tbd i jst refer as paper chain girl in my head don't ask) hd a lot going on at home n their coping mechanisms were kind of the dividing factor tht sent them on different paths. her best friend went down a dark road where patti cldnt follow her n eventually got a late night bus n disappeared from town without a trace. the police investigated her as a missing person bt she was never found n presumed dead after a certain amt of years by the vast majority

as a result of this patti kind of withdrew n wld only form superficial connections bc they were just so hurt from losing someone who felt like a part of them. they still dnt quite feel Whole to this day. they put a lot of their unresolved emotions into their art (claymation w a lot of body horror featuring) n a lot of it's pretty dark n sad n gothic as a result. they see life thru a kind of jaded pessimistic lens bt also try to maintain a nihilistic approach like well nothing matters lol <3 to make it thru.... hence not taking too much seriously a majority of the time.

personal details.

LOVESSSSSSSSS to bully men. has a leather leash hanging up in their dorm just bc despite NOT owning a dog if u kno what i mean.

smuggled a scrawny black cat in tht lives out of their dorm tht has bright yellow eyes. named doom. patti's absolute beloved. patti is nvr softer than when she's scratching doom behind the ears. sleeps curled up w them like a hot water bottle. doom has ferocious tuna breath that scares the hoes n patti's like awwww so cute <3

obsessed w the gothic in many aspects of life. gothic victorian clothing (loves vintage n the like), old gruesome bt beautiful renaissance paintings of brutal battles scenes, any heartbreaking greek myth with monstrous creatures who patti almost always sides with, insect metamorphosis stages (patti finds these symbolic for many things n is fascinated by analysis n metaphor regarding such), anything involving cannibalism or vampires, old medieval castle architecture ESPECIALLY if it involves stone gargoyles, wabi sabi / signs of wear in old abandoned mansions (patti thinks imperfections r far more interesting than seamless minimal monstrosities), they even hv a lamp made out of various xray scans of different times theyve broken bones (frequent thru being an adventurous gremlin growing up on a rural farm)

frequently intimate w many people despite never actively being intimate w anyone. like there's nvr any emotion or feeling there patti just doesn't know how to connect the two n finds it very difficult to truly go beyond surface lvl most of the time. mayb one day..... (winks at potential plot) bt it wld be a slow burn for sure.

i feel like contrary to the scary / intimidating demeanour patti puts out they can b quite a yapper n a cackler bt it's unlocked rarely by a select few....... like u have to meet the criteria the fungus in her brain tells her is necessary except they aren't even particularly sure themselves what that is.... (many subconscious walls put up to guard them from forming connections) (thirl go to therapy!)

desired plots.

SOOOOOOOOO i'm open to anything if u read and get an idea off the top of ur head but i'll cobble together a couple of things below jst to get the ball rolling!!

not in love: mayb some sort of lowkey fwb situation bt feelings were caught from ur muses side n patti didnt quite kno how to compute it. idk we can discuss the complexities of it bt maybe for some reason they keep coming back to each other anyway despite patti's inability to connect loins n heart n it's just quite a messy situation w various jealousies inevitable. me starting off my wcs w this toxic little number posing cutely w one sleeve of my nightgown slipped off my shoulder so sultry.... tbh this could be multiple ppl bc of the elusive nature of patti's #whorings (that one boy in hp so dramatically vc: it's loik tryin ta catch smoke wiv ur bare hands...) so i'll leave this kind of open ended quantity wise!

gremlins: i'll b real. patti is kind of annoying. like she loves to bully she struggles to take things seriously half the time u dnt kno if she's joking or not. deadpan to the extreme. ur muse perhaps likes to indulge in such wicked jestering n together they're a diabolical nuisance to society esp if hanging out together at parties. wld walk patti into a party in full the nun cosplay despite it not being halloween on their arm like a father giving away their daughter at a wedding. HAS wheelbarrowed patti across campus once so they cld recline smoking in style and vice versa. it's a common understanding. a rabid solidarity. closer acquainted than any sleep paralysis demon. that SAID bc of patti's allergy to forging deep connections since bestie's disappearance mayb we cld play around w this. do they want to kno them more deeply??? do they get exasperated w patti's walls???? do they simply accept patti as they r n not probe deeper?? let's discuss.

cat and mouse: quite literally patti's cat doom hs taken to haunting ur muse by leaving mice on their window ledge even if ur muse is on a floor that doesn't make any logical sense for a cat to be scaling to reach it. it's supernatural. it's ominous. it's inexplicable. it's haunting and u wish it woudl just stop. patti declares their cat innocent of all charges even if the cat's caught red pawed patti simply scoops her up under one arm n walks away ignoring the outcry. in patti's words "it's a gift. it's a love note. ur being so narrow minded".

[skz-records]

nct dream as your 80s trope!

as a lover of 80s/90s music, movies, and fashion, I felt the need to do something like this!

I probably will do, in the future, with 127 and maybe stray kids.

based on my favorite characters from 80s movies <3

Mark Lee

the boy who is in a band and also your chemistry classmate

he's a chill kid, never got in trouble, but his bandmates weren't that good people

got in detention and somehow you too

just you two at the library, reorganizing books by alphabetic order and by gender

when suddenly mark asks why you're there, very quietly and timidly

you say that you answered back a professor that didn't liked you and asked the same to mark

"Somehow, I got the smell of Marijuana on my shirt. They didn't believe that I didn't smoke, and here I am!"

time passed by and you and Mark started to going out, watching his performances and going to arcades also spending the entire night talking on the telephone, only to go to school and spend the entire morning talking and giggling too

eventually, you two got suspended (again) for laughing too loud.

and since then, you two started an incredible bound.

Huang Renjun

your favorite local bad boy even tho he's not bad at all

for some reason he loves all star and leather jacket

smells like mint and mango

except his straight face and the "I might kill you if I want" eyes, he's very sweet and gentle

is your seat mate in algorithms and helps you everytime when you have difficulty with something with a gently voice

and if needed, he will repeat it 100x until you understand it.

your small chats stays only at school, but as times pass by, he asks you to ride you home on his motorcycle or if you need help in any other classes

he's a good listener and gives good advices when you struggle with life

when the first mall inaugurated in your small city, he right away took you there and spent the entire day walking in and out the stores without buying anything except for some ice cream

you watched back to the future for the first time with him

Lee Jeno

the nerd one who is not that nerd

except the great ability he has in some classes and some geek t-shirt he uses (like Star Trek or spider-man). People call him nerd because of his looks and his round glasses

you step out for him during a bullying session and even punched the guy in the face, since then, jeno never left your side

and you kinda didn't want him to, you liked his presence

always reading a comic book or making up theories about the universe. might as well call you during the night saying "y/n, it's jeno! look outside your window, it's full moon!"

loves dracula and zombies theory

at some point, you got 10 magazines only about spider man without noticing

every single one belongs to jeno

likes to go to the park, sit on the grass, and read comic books to you

also into horror movies such as halloween and Scream

would rent a lot of horror movies to see during Friday after school and, at some point in the middle of the night, you two would sleep together on the couch

Lee Haechan

works on a local vinyl shop

eventually knows everything about music and can talk about it with you during hours

bon jovi? that's okay. Metallica? he knows everything about them, too. ABBA? great taste!

that's how you meet him. soft black hair with blond mullet, denim jeans, and black boot with a michael jackson t-shirt.

you went to his shop to buy a gift for a friend and haechan helped you choose madonna's true blue album

he truly loves his job and is always singing while walking on the store or organizing things

he often calls you to keep him company and you eventually started working with him

he has a lot of albuns on the palm of his hand but only didn't have thriller by Michael Jackson since it is the most album seller in the entire world

you gave it to him as a birthday present and haechan cried a little, hug you and whisperer a soft thank you

you two spend the entire day listening to the album, dancing and laughing

Na Jaemin

the popular one with the nice hair

I swear, he has great hair, and it even glows in the sun because of how hydrated it is

always says he uses Farrah Fawcett hair spray

even tho he's popular he's not the jerk one

he's very kind and likes to meet new people

that's how he meet you, the new student

he showed you around, who you can talk and who you can't mess with

and also offered to be with you during lunch breaks

has a great sense of style

always uses flannel shirts and all star shoes

at some point, you two became inseparable, and he kind of forgot the ones who only wanted to be with him because of his "fame"

would totally take you out in those roller rink and also late night talks to gossip !!!!

Zhong Chenle

also the famous one, but it's because he's on the basketball team and team captain

everyone thinks he's a jerk and full of himself but in reality he's just more reserved

but when he's with his real friends, he turns into a sunshine ball and laughs easily

meet you because he shot the basketball ball in your direction

since you worked at the school newspaper, he broke your camera

you started to avoid him because you were so mad at him but he bought you a new one and even better

that made a soft spot for him but you were still a little upset

so he asked you out so he can properly apologize

since then, he would be your muse

drive in dates!!!!!!!

and after the dates, he would take you to eat on McDonald's

Park Jisung

the skater boy who's always with his headphones on and walkman on his waist

is into rpg such as d&d and arcades

you meet him by accident at the arcade

you two wanted to play the same game, and jisung kind of just stopped on his track, gazing at you, and you starred back, both of you didn't know what to do

being the gentleman he is, he let you play first and discovered you were the one who broke his record on the game

"wow, you're so good at this", he would say eventually in a little whisperer but you heard him

he's too shy, so you probably would be the one to ask him to go on the arcades on a daily basis or after school

jisung would explain to you how d&d works with such enthusiasm that convince you to play with him

also would teach you how to skate

and if you fall into his arms, he would blush furiously

[sabriels]

i don't care about mcu nova news because if they adapt richie i know it'll be wrong. theyll go "cool grizzled space cop veteran" and he's a little suicidal abused boy who got his powers from a milkshake (not really but it's funnier to say that) and a high-school dropout who got bullied who browses his own fan forums and wants to fuck dracula and his helmet is tissue paper and he likes star trek and he had a weird thing where he called the sentient supercomputer in his head that possessed him sometimes "dad" on accident and then he left it in a death world and it tried to kill him because it has abandonment issues and he has a little brother and he has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and he goes to therapy and he's just a boy from long island good god he's just a boy. and most importantly he has a mullet

[princess-of-the-corner]

Can’t remember if a reason in universe was given for Danny changing his suit in the Phantom Chloe AU, but I’m going to throw out this suggestion anyway:

The reason Danny changed his costume is because Disney threatened to sue him for ripping off the Fantastic Four.

Ha! On brand.

The in-universe reason, for both this and for my main DP fics, is mostly just because they probably can. Ghost seem to have some ability to change their appearance, at least having costume changes. Some have more shapeshifting powers (like the Dragon siblings or Bertrand or Amorpho), and some are locked into a form for other reasons(Spectra and Skulker). Also *gestures to Vlad who died in a 80s mullet and a lab coat but now looks like fuckin Dracula*.

So yeah Ghosts can alter their form a bit to match perception of themselves. Danny's original outfit was based off what he died wearing, but he learned to shift things so he can have a cooler outfit.

[sapienthouse]

[ID: an unfinished full body drawing of an original character, next to an older, thigh-up drawing of him. in the full body, she stands with a hand on her hip, the other undrawn with an arrow reading "book with finger holding open" to describe what would be there. in the old drawing, he leans on a waist-height surface, her other hand raised flipping off someone unseen. he smiles, looking off to the side, in both.

Appearance: she has peach-tone skin, grey hair with black roots and tips, facial moles, and a bat silhouette across her forehead where eyebrows would be. The hair is styled back-combed, spiky and big, with spiky Lydia-like bangs and a long straight mullet pulled forward over both shoulders. He has gothic eye make-up and smudged black lipstick, wearing a single black coffin earring, nipple piercings, and dimple piercings.

She wears a ripped black mesh shirt under a corset showing ribs, a spine, and pelvic bone about where they would be on his body, and a pleated maroon mini skirt. Under the skirt, he wears a longer mesh skirt and maroon fishnets. Lastly, her shoes are stiletto ankle boots with 2 buckles and laces tied in nooses. end ID]

YIPPEE for OC-tober! This is my favorite OC of mine, Drax (also Laura, Dracula, or full name Draculaura)! This fag was my he/she bigender awakening (he's a little aged, but I still absolutely adore her 🫀🫀)

She was made for a paranormal research team, along with OCs made by a group of friends (inc. @bensiskos and @littlegreenfags), that researched things like ghosts, aliens, bigfoot, and mothman! Together, they try to study these canonical phenomenon and prove their existence to a skeptical public, all while living in a van together so they can travel the continent for said research!

He's like the asshole older brother from a kid's show and a protective older sister at the same time. Never getting enough sleep, she's also more of a nerd than her appearance would let on. When they're stopped in a town, the library is his favorite place to be, doing tons of research in her free time and reading gothic literature and horror pulp fiction. Other things he likes:

parking lots at night

gas stations

5-hour energy

being taller than other people, esp guys that look down on his swagful femme self (can't look down if ur forced to look up)

punk, goth rock, death metal, and any loud music made by nobodies in a garage.

collecting CDs from random underground shows

working audio recording equipment (did tech for high school theatre and is responsible for working the research recording equipment presently)

getting morally grey with it

his friends <3

FEEL FREE to send me asks about about Laura, or any of the OCs i post about this month!!!!! i love him so much. i hope u like him too :-)

[neonponders]

hi!

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Favorite fic I've written:

*sigh* it's always changing haha I'll always be soft on my first Harringrove fic, Dracula Has a Mullet, but it's so rare that I finish a fic that I'm also super fond of the finished ones lol

If I wanted to like really shove my fics at people like a proud mother, the bundle is Dracula Has a Mullet, Flayed, Shabbat, Caramel Heart, and Here We Go Again.

How many WIPs?????

........more than 15 and less than 100 orz

Fic that got an unexpected response:

I have 2 little tumblr posts about Steve that got swarmed by steddies, which is fine (and a reason I'll never change my profile pic away from Billy lol). The first was about werewolf!steve and the second was about Steve's dad being a pilot.

Usually the response that surprises me is when I write something from a lusty mindset and everyone calls it "cute." LOL

Me, grey-ace: Just uploaded a fic that fulfilled my spicy needs 😈

Fandom: aw, cute!

Me: *pikachu face*

.

Ask Game here ~

[black-rose-writings]

Season 1 - Episode 7

Official title: Bitter reunions

AKA: Why frootloop of all things.

Villain of the week: Dracula wanna-be

Weirdo elderly birds looking for Danny's dad. Who had a mullet, because of course he did, it was the 80s. I can't make fun of that because my dad had a mullet in the late 90s when he married mom. By then, it was cringe.

We call this a fuck-up of the century. Also, update, everyone's hair was horrible, because it was the 80s.

Also, ehm, why are they so horrified about Wisconsin? Is that some american joke I'm too european to understand?

Cringe billionaire is cringe.

"Hmm, I don't know..." "There's ghosts here" "*starry eyed* ghosts!"

*beats the shit out of a child* Huh, let's adopt him.

Love how everyone hates Jack.

Vlad, you need to work on your villain pitch.

Maddie needs better taste. Like yesterday.

Ew.

Well, Vlad has a brand and he's sticking to it.

[pondermoniums]

You know what’s obnoxious? Uploading an epilogue before the main story is finished lol so now there’s a new chapter on ao3 AND it has a moodboard!

Dracula Has a Mullet ~ Epilogue

(Story synopsis and full moodboard below the cut. I’ve never had a mood banner focus on one character before, so I trimmed it for the above view. I’m still not totally happy with the full version, but you can see it below the cut <3)

"The first week was a surprise. Confusion, mostly. Billy was just…gone."

After the Mind Flayer's comeback and defeat in Hawkins, Indiana, Steve and Billy move to Chicago. Because things are going well. Really well. As well as they can go for a two-year relationship, and one of you is a vampire and the other is so stupid in love that...when Steve realizes Billy hasn't been home for a couple of days, it leaves him winded, broken, and put on a difficult path to figure out the rest of his life. Senior year sucks, man, just like it did in high school.

[neonponders]

LKDFJSKLDFJOSJGKSDFJLKFJ oh, not me SCREAMING over here!! Oh my word, what a wonderful thing to get out of bed to see.

I’m stupidly delighted that you’re reading and enjoying Dracula Has a Mullet!! orz it’s the first Harringrove fic I ever wrote!!! (as if I don’t say that enough with every new chapter post).

Thank you so much for thinking of me and my birthday 😭 🌹 😭 🌹 😭 🌹 😭 🌹 This is just perfect. Steve’s booty 👏🏻 👌🏻 His hand on Billy’s hair 🥺 I know EXACTLY what scene this is and oh my gosh you captured how soft Billy is 😭 And his silly sexy teeth getting in the way orz yes god.

This is immaculate ✨ beautiful ✨ and I’m going to be staring at it all day. Thank you so much!!!!! 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗

When your vampire ex-boyfriend begs you to take him back.

For one of my ultimate fave Harringrove authors @neonponders who just had their birthday this month! 💖💖💖 Fanart for their fic series Dracula Has a Mullet, oh it's so beautifully written and poignant. Felt that angsty separation anxiety in my bones. 😌

[sunshine-zenith]

Nightcore Mamma Mia plays distantly in the background

[hhuta]

dracula priest country boy ravi taking you out for a ride on his goth tractor and then taking you to church moodboard

[ace-beef]

so as I said in a previous post I also went to a screening of The Lost Boys at the Prince Charles Cinema in central London which also had an intro and Q&A with Alex Winter! Here’s the info that I remembered from the session:

- Alex hadn’t actually watched the film since its premiere so he couldn’t remember what happened LMAO (he also said it was really fun to watch it with an audience)

- Alex and Joel Schumacher got into an argument while filming the bridge/train tracks scene because Joel wanted Marko to lure Michael without saying anything, and Alex didn’t know how to do that (quote “you know there’s only so much I can do with ass-less chaps and a mullet”)

- Marko’s death scene caused Alex to go to the hospital with a scratched cornea, as the contact lenses were really uncomfortable and dirt had got kicked into his eye while he was writhing on the floor

- the movie was originally gonna be a retelling of Peter Pan, with the characters having the same names as the original story but they got changed (Lucy was called ‘Lucy’ in honour of Dracula by Bram Stoker)

- a quote that I loved: “David was like the boys’ pimp and then Max was the Head Pimp”

- Alex said that all of them had their own little backstories for their characters, and he always had sort of thought that Marko was really old simply because his name is ‘Marko’ (quote: “I thought it was such a stupid name like, nobody in California in the 80s was called Marko! …Nobody’s been called Marko since like, the 16th century!”)

- a continuation from that point, when asked about his favourite song from the soundtrack he replied with “Echo and the Bunnymen all the way”, which then he added a bit about how he felt that Marko was originally ‘a British dude’ so therefore he likes the British bands

- he also talked about how nobody was really looking after the younger actors on set/when they weren’t shooting so he effectively became “Defacto Dad” by looking out for them

- and he has not seen the sequels (quote: “movies are weird y’know, if a movie is bad you don’t have to watch it”)

- oh also he called Michael a “bimbo himbo type of character”

[telivanistoolateparty]

Idk shit about Dracula but I did paint these fellas ages ago. The one in the sweater is Seward I think, guy with the mullet and suitcase is Helsing (which funnily enough is a name rather similar to several Danish towns) and I believe that guy in the black coat is Dracula though I might be miSTAKEn

Only posting this cuz my one mutual has been rebooggin some Dracula shit

[steviespanties]

do u have any vampire harringrove fic recs? <3

Ahh sorry anon, despite writing a few snippets myself I'm super picky with this trope when it comes to reading😅 BUT the amount of works one can find with vampire au/vampire steve/vampire billy for harringrove is pretty small and well tagged, so heed the content and warnings on these and I'm sure any of these talented writers will have something you like!

Deep in my arteries by @confettibites (2k)

You're Dead and Out of this World (2k)

Insatiable by SomethingAboutAMagpie (3k)

Glitter and Gold by bowiebaby (3k)

No Tears for the Creatures of the Night by @aeon-of-neon (3k)

You Can Follow My Bloodstream by @shewritesdirty (4k)

Once Bitten by @bird-in-a-cage (9k)

Kiss, Consume by @pondermoniums (15k)

Steve Harrington, Undead Monster by ObscuredByLoss (34k))

Dracula Has a Mullet by pondermoniums (53k)

Sorry if I missed anyone, I specifically looked for explicit rated fic. If anyone has any tumblr fic they want to recommend, feel free to add links!!

[jeeperso]

D&D Quotes Without Context

Treasure Island edition, Chapter 1

"The past is a memory, the future a dream... Today? Just flow with the river. It's why it's called 'current' events."

Many Pirate ships and their captains have gained legendary infamy: From the Dread Pirate Roberts who takes no prisoners, to the daring tabaxi Calico Rackham; from the Exiled Loxodon Prince Babar of Rossa to the Farmer turned river pirate Tractor Jack; from the suave and charming Kurt Wagner of the Night Crawler, to the stone-faced Benjamin “Black Beard” Grimm ; from Captain Garious Ironguts and his infamous ghost ship to Pirate Queen Ching Shih and her mighty pirate armada.

"What is a ....Velstrac you called it?" "Some sort of pain and sex fiend who thinks tearing you open with barbed hooks is first date materiel."

"Oh that's the good news. I've been tasked with bringing her back from the domains of dread themselves... Ravenloft." THUNDER CLAPS, HORSES WHINNY. "How did....it's sunny out." Cookie peers out the window. "There is a small gnome with a sheet of tin..."

Tortle noises.

“Oh, I know tons of that stuff. I used to watch tons of Discovery Orb before mom made me find a job…”

"Ravenloft, how are we supposed to get in and out of such a place? I've only heard legends told in hushed tones by some of the elders from the clan of dwarves that built me, it is a horrific place and once it gets its hooks in you few ever return to tell the tale." Thunder claps. Horses whinny. Janus looks out the window to the gnome "Yes we get the picture, you can stop now thank you." "It is nice... to see someone with pride in their job."

“… so that’s how you get juice stains off a dragon’s scales.”

"In the meanwhile may I offer you a scone? They're fresh from the oven and made with love, and butter.  You can't actually taste the love because love is not a tangible force, but the butter is quite good."

"It looks like a note." "Undoubtedly some sort of death promise."

"Perhaps he gave dictation." "I think he gave a note." “You can dictate a circle.”

"Small mercy, people want him dead.  Presumably tonight, at the latest."

"I give yo my word that Pew will never lay the eyes he does not have on that map."

“I know magic.” And she produces a set of lock picks.  “And I learned how to break into my dads stash before he left.”

GM: The lock glows and then vanishes, there is a sudden hiss as an airtight seal is broken and mist pours out of the chest. Magnus takes a careful step back in the event this is a secret deathtrap. GM: As the lid lifts you all realize something... you could probably put a person in a chest this size. "People ain't cargo." "Perhaps someone should have told the captain that." “Is this one of those boxes with a sexy lady in it?” GM: And low and behold curled up in a fetal position is what appears to be a small winged Kobold. "I am sure ... it is very attractive to other Kobolds."

"People. Ain't. Cargo." “Dracula would disagree.” "I don't know who that is, but I'll note to light them on fire all the same."

"Charmed to meet you Melfina, I am professor Archibald Janus of the Henry Jekyll Memorial Institute for higher learning." “MJ. My mom’s a Wizard. You wanna get high?”

"Perhaps it would be wise to charter a ship and head off before Pew comes back." “I’ve got a row boat.”

"Beware the Seafaring man with a wooden leg named Smith." "What's the name of his other leg?"

"We know Marrow is there. And we know he has the map. Hand them over, and the rest of you may be spared." "Counteroffer: No."

Janus looks up at the Gnoll.  "Apologies for this in advance, but my friend has been in a bad mood all evening, and I think he's gonna be taking it out on you."

MJ walks forward, her hands moving over her pipe before she takes a drag on it and breathes out lightning.  “Oh, man, that was supposed to be acid…”

Janus spits blood, "Right then. Archie, you're up."  In an instant you all see an amazing change overcome Janus, he grows about two feet as his body swells with muscle, his ponytail breaks into a full on mullet, as his face fills out with a lantern jaw.  "Sup brah, names Archie, welcome to the CLUB."

"Bad dog, go to your corner.  Not that I would ever hit a real dog brah but you're being a douche."

Archie looks over to Blind Pew and does the "I'm watching you" hand gesture. Blind Pew: "Is he gesturing at me or something: I can't fucking see."

GM OOC: So yeah gnolls are prone. OOC: Their movement is.. a-gnolled.

OOC: Shish-ka-gnoll!

"Sorry Lo Bro, but you're about to die of Ligma." "Ligma?" Low Blow asks like an idiot. "LIGMA BAAAAAALS!" GM OOC: He's not dead yet, but now he wishes he was.

"Any fruit to declare?"

Blind Pew is still rolling on the ground on fire. "He can be more on fire..."

"You scared an old man quite literally to death, and your boss stuffed a little girl in a crate for twenty years. Not. Cool."

The summoned [literal] timber wolf just sits watching with its tongue hanging out, panting.

"When you get to hell, tell Flint I'm gonna personally tear down the gates of hell one day, track him down, and shove his head up his own ass so he can see me kicking it."

“Wait… I’m confused? Did I imagine the girl? How many edibles did I take?!?”

Janus looks down at his pants, "He pissed on someone again didn't he?"

As you return to the Inn you find it in better shape that expected after being assailed by by brigands. Amber's fortifications mostly held. You only find one place it was breached and the one doing it is still stuck halfway as Donna beat him senseless with a rolling pin. "Hey, Blind Pew is dead and the rest of your buddies are dead or fled. So time for you to leave." Amber yanks the last brigand free from where he is stuck and puts him upright on his feet. He manages to stagger away as fast as he can with a concussion.

"Considering how easily we killed Pew the first time I doubt he would bother coming back a second time."

"See I find that more remarkable than what I just did. How do you mix pot to get lightning breath."

GM: Joe Marrow lasts a few more days before his health fails and he passes peacefully in his sleep. He leaves enough gold to cover his outstanding tabs as well as enough set aside to throw him one hell of a wake. MJ busts out the Djinn class Omega Hookah.

"Per what passed for requests of his will, we shalt git krunk."

Janus lets Archie out during the wake because that's pretty much his scene.  *cue Archie standing on top of a keg swinging his shirt around his head* "WOOOOOOO!"

"It will be hard to get me drunk, my dwarven creators made it so I could drink any even a storm giant under the table." "I will take that challenge brah."

"Skipper said he got this from a two headed, three armed man...."

"The downside of Archie is he has the fun and I get the hangovers."

"Okay, what was the name of that drink I was given? It is the first time I've ever been drunk, let alone that drunk." GM: The Reversed Polarity. It involves several chemicals, a mild acid, and a magnet.

OOC: So what kind of beast did you summon anyway?  I'm, imagining a huge tortoise. OOC2: He said grass wolf.  MJ will smoke it after fight. OOC: And we'll use Blind Pews skull as the bong.

OOC: MJ The Murder Hippie!

OOC: Archie runs, jumps, and then uses a greasy gnoll to skate towards Low Blow, swinging as he grinds in a gnarly fashion. OOC2: He somehow does a triple ollie on Black Dog's corpse.

OOC: tarting [sic] at 2nd Level...

OOC: Villains working up a sweat, wailing away at Archie with his resistance, stop for a moment to pant.... GLOW GLOW... Archie back at max. "OH COME ON!"

[neonponders]

“You’re late.”

Steve didn’t grace that with a response as he stepped into his bedroom and observed Billy on the floor with Leia. She stood on her skinny hind legs, enthralled by the tube of chicken puree he was feeding her. “Did you give her the meds first?”

“You’re looking at the reward,” Billy confirmed bluntly. “She’s just about done being under house arrest…”

Billy looked up at Steve with fresh eyes. Steve seemed…in a rush to get a change of clothes out of the dresser. “What’s up with you?”

“Hush,” he scolded on his way to the bathroom.

“Antsy and shy all of a sudden.”

Steve paused with the bathroom door in hand to glance at Billy’s smirk. The asshole smiled because he knew. Knew how excited Steve felt for this. Steve put his focus into not slamming the door and heard Billy’s laughter on the other side.