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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years

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5 Ways That Bi Erasure Hurts More Than Just Bisexual People

December 2, 2014 by Milo Todd

This year, Bisexual Awareness Day/Celebrate Bisexuality Day was on September 23rd.

That same day, the National LGBTQ Task Force thought it’d be a good idea to post an article entitled “Bye Bye Bi, Hello Queer,” in which leadership programs director Evangeline Weiss said “she is ready ‘to say bye bye to the word bisexuality.’

She said it does not describe her sexual orientation, and she encouraged readers to cease using the word as well as she felt it reinforced a binary concept of gender.

Let me drive that home a little more. The National LGBTQ Task Force not only thought it would be a good idea to publish an article insulting, misrepresenting, and forsaking the bisexual letter in their own name, but did so on Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Rude.

And a fantastic example of the constant, ongoing erasure bisexual people have to deal with. This one just happened to be incredibly blatant.

What happened as a result of that article? People got pissed.

People got so pissed that the Task Force not only removed the article from their website, but posted in its place this non-apology (it keeps being referred to as an apology, but I’m not so easily pleased): “Having listened to a wide array of feedback on the timing and content, we recognize that this blog offended people. For this we sincerely apologize. It has been removed.”

In other words, “Sorry you got pissed off. Hopefully you’ll shut up if we take it down.” Which, as far as I can tell, isn’t much of an apology for a blatant disregard of an entire community of people.

Misunderstanding of the bisexual community has been the crux of biphobia’s history and the ongoing battle to erase bisexuality from the LGBTQIA+ community.

It’s a scary time to be bi, especially when your lesbian, gay, pansexual, and queer siblings and allies are calling for your blood simply because they’ve fallen victim to the mainstream agenda without realizing it. (Say what?! Jump to #5.)

It’s time for a change.

It’s time for all of us to properly understand one another and to — hope of hopes — become allies for our incredibly similar endeavors. To help initiate that friendship, I ask you, dear reader, to go through the following three steps.

Step 1: Look below. If I’ve played my cards right, virtually every reader should find at least one category with which they identify.

Step 2: Approach your designated section(s) with an open mind, an unprejudiced heart, and a desire to further enhance your own community/ies. It’s difficult for people to learn new things and see different views if they automatically approach them with resistance, which is often the case with bisexual topics.

Step 3: See how bi erasure hurts you as a person and, while you’re at it, likely hurts the people you care about. Because it really is happening.

So here are five ways in which bi erasure is hurting people of layered identities.

1. Female-Identified People and Feminists

Bisexuality is one of the only non-monosexual* identities currently recognized in the English-speaking world. If bisexuality is kept underground, it suppresses our limited, precious resources for open discussion about non-monosexuality. This hurts female-identified people and feminists regardless of their sexual orientation.

To this day, female-identified people can’t get a fair shake. Pay is unequal, birth control access is limited, and objectification is a daily thing. Non-monosexual women in particular are often not taken seriously because they’re seen as sluts, greedy, or unable to make up their minds.

Also, the general fetishizing of women is particularly intensified in the bisexual realm by (straight-identified) men, turning the very act of women’s sexual freedom, empowerment, and self-expression into nothing more than something for male gazes. (This is most often seen through the relentless prompts for female-female-male threesomes and masculine catcalls in bars when two femme-appearing women make out.)

By participating in or casually allowing bi erasure to happen, we’re ignoring the specific plights and abuses of bisexual women, thereby contributing to the ongoing problem of female inequality, objectification, and silence.

As feminists, we can’t pick and choose which women to fight for. The complexities of womanhood — and all of its cultural suppressions — are an all-or-none deal.

*Note: Non-monosexuality usually refers to someone who is interested in more than one sex or gender. (In other words, somebody who isn’t gay, lesbian, or straight.) Another way to say “non-monosexuality” would be “polysexuality” to help keep it from sounding negative.

2. Male-Identified People and Male Liberationists*

Just like with female-identified people and feminists, bi erasure hurts male-identified people and male liberationists regardless of their sexual orientation.

Allow me to make this pretty basic: Men continue to be fed the message that being gay is bad. Being gay means you’re not really a man, which means you lose your dude membership and the bulk of your male privilege. And since gayness equals the slightest shred of attraction to or intimacy with another male, all manners of bromance must be squashed.

In short, many guys live in a state of silent terror in this regard.

Bi men are afraid of being banished from the world of lady-loving, gay men are worried about losing all of their connections to hetero land, and nothing is worse for a straight man than being called a fag.

Constant monitoring, constant filtering, constant stress: Is this really the kind of world we guys want to keep living in?

By being able to talk about bisexuality — remember: one of our only non-monosexual identities — male-identified people can begin to break free from the masculine ideal.

Bi talk helps bridge the gap between being a man (straight) and not being a man (gay) and realizing, hey, having some manner of attraction to or intimate interaction with another guy is totally okay, masculinity unscathed.

Gay men can begin to regain their identities as men, bi men can finally start coming out, and “fag” will lose its strength as an insult from one straight man to another.

*Note: Male liberationists are more or less seen as allies to feminists and vice versa. Both will argue that patriarchy is bad, but while feminists talk of how it’s bad for females, male liberationists talk of how it’s bad for males. Examples include the inability to romantically or sexually love another male, the emasculation of men of color, and the physical, verbal, and mental abuse that comes from society’s expectations to be stereotypically masculine.

3. People Who Identify as Trans Sexual, Trans Gender, Genderfluid, Genderqueer, or Gender Non-Conforming

This one’s pretty easy. Some people on the trans spectrum identify as bisexual. But then they’re told they can’t or that it’s an insult to their trans siblings because bisexuality is believed to be trans-exclusive.

The problem with bi erasure is it adds to the ongoing problem of cis people — LGQ or not — telling trans people what to think. Cis people have a bad habit of thinking they need to speak for people on the trans spectrum even when trans people are quite capable of speaking for themselves. This is even more frustrating when it comes from a community supposedly meant to support them.

Despite the personhood for which they’re continuing to fight, trans people can receive backlash from the lesbian, gay, and queer communities as their identities and bodies are turned into political battlegrounds.

Sometimes, they’re used without consent by some cis individuals so that points can be made for non-trans-specific agendas, and sometimes they’re ironically used in the attempts for cis identities to help better the trans worlds.

For instance, automatically dismissing bisexuality as trans-exclusive and guilting any person on the trans spectrum that wants to identity as bisexual, if I may make so fine a point.

As blogger Aud Traher writes, “If you want to support trans people like me, don’t erase me or speak over me or cause me harm out of self-righteous biphobia. Look into yourself and deal with that internalized biphobia and then help others get over theirs. Don’t advocate for the destruction of a community in the name of ‘saving’ it. And, especially, don’t do it in my name.”

4. People Who Identify as Gay, Lesbian, or — Yes — Straight

Quite simply, it makes gays and lesbians (and straight people) look bad, too.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently upholding the gender binary by saying they love only (cis) men or (cis) women, but isn’t that pretty much exactly what gays, lesbians, and straight people are saying when they identify as gay, lesbian, or straight? That they’ll only love either (cis) men or (cis) women?

But where’s their rampant backlash from the rest of the community for upholding the gender binary? I’m just sayin’.

Even when these groups extend their definitions to include trans people and people on the gender non-conforming spectrum, it’s often still as long as those trans people exhibit some manner of gender representation that falls into the lover’s category of desire.

Now, I’m honestly not trying to rag on gays, lesbians, or even straight people. They have as much right to identify how they want as anybody else. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling primarily attracted to only, say, cis or trans men if your brain simply tells you that you only like guys. That’s fine. Go ahead and do that. I’m not saying you can’t.

What I am saying is you can’t be spewing bi hate or letting bi erasure slide because 1) it’s incredibly one-sided and unfair, and 2) in the end, it’s making you look bad, too.

What do you think will happen if bi erasure is a success? You’ll be next, dears.

*cue Jaws theme*

5. People Who Identify as Queer, Pansexual, or Another Fellow Non-Monosexual

In late October, Lizzy the Lezzy — who I quite enjoy, by the way — shared a photo on her Facebook timeline explaining sexuality in terms of guests at a BBQ.

This would be all well and good if it didn’t include a glaring misconception about bisexual people, especially when compared to pansexuals. While bisexual people were defined as getting both hot dogs and hamburgers, pansexuals were defined as getting hot dogs, hamburgers, “and a salad.” Oops. What year is this again?

I’m going to make something very plain to you, dear reader: Bisexual people don’t just love (cis) men or (cis) women. That’s not how the ballpark definition goes. The “bi” in “bisexual” does not indicate a binary. Well, okay, it does indicate a binary, but probably not the one you think.

Instead of “bi” meaning a love for only cis men or cis women or otherwise putting men and women at two opposite ends of a spectrum, “bi” means a love for identities bisexual people identify with themselves and identities that they don’t.

Or, as the popular Robyn Ochs definition goes: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Look at that very closely. That’s still a binary. That’s still “bi.” And there isn’t a thing wrong with it, no exclusion to be seen.

When compared with the general concepts of pansexuals and queers, our orientations suddenly sound pretty darn similar: We love everyone.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently being transphobic. While we’ve already seen a little bit in #3 as to why we aren’t, I want to further drive the point home here. A large portion of the transphobic accusations toward us come from the queer and pansexual communities, which in turn seem to derive from some serious misinformation and misdirection by the mainstream.

For the record, queers and pansexuals are cool. I like them. But the fact of the matter is that the misconception of the “bi” in “bisexual” as meaning an attraction to only (cis) men or (cis) women — and therefore upholding the gender binary — was created and imposed upon bisexual people by the mainstream. You know, the people that want the gender binary to stick around.

And some queers and pansexuals ate the propaganda they were fed? That’s terrifying. It starts to show just how large and sneaky the mainstream’s gender binary monster truly is.

By defining and erasing bisexuality on the grounds that it upholds the gender binary, pansexuals and queers are not only reinforcing the binary they so sorely wish to dismantle, but they are losing important focus on where the problem actually resides: the mainstream’s insistence to force the gender binary on non-mainstream groups such as bisexual people.

Further, holding bisexual people responsible for the abuse they’ve suffered is simply wrong. All that’s doing is blaming the victim. But, by recognizing and respecting bisexual people as they truly are, bisexual people can not only help dismantle the gender binary and put a new definition on the concept of the spectrum, but finally be allowed to team up with pansexuals and queers to crush mainstream abuse on non-mainstream identities.

Doesn’t that sound nice? I think it sounds nice.

TL;DR

Dear non-bisexual identities, please stop shooting yourselves in the foot and then wondering why you’re missing toes.

We’re here for the same reasons you are: for the right to love whoever we want and for the right for others to do the same.

So let’s finally be friends. We’re never going to get anything done if we keep spending our time putting each other down.

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tigerdyke · 4 years

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hiya!!! i hope it's okay to ask this. how did u know u were nonbinary/a nonbinary lesbian? sincerely, a fellow femme who is trying 2 figure out gender

I’m so sorry I didn’t see this until now! I don’t check notifs on this blog very often 😖

I’ll be honest, this is something I’ve bounced back and forth on for YEARS. Since I’m genderfluid between binary womanhood and being agender (but still aligned with womanhood through lesbianism alone), the reason I couldn’t “make up my mind” so to speak about whether or not I was nonbinary was actually BECAUSE the fluctuations I experience ended up being the very nature of my gender. So it took years to fully piece together what was happening and what it might mean for myself. While I often do interpret my gender as “lesbian” rather than “woman” due to the alienation I experience from cisheteronormativity, I think the biggest thing that told me I was nonbinary was talking to so many different cis jewish wlw (who by all other rights I should’ve found entirely relatable), and realizing that while our experiences with gender were more the same than not, it still felt like something was slightly off or even missing from my own gender that they all shared. I couldn’t relate as much to jewish binary trans wlw’s gender experiences either, partially since I don’t experience transmisogyny, but also since the fluctuations in my connection to womanhood that I experienced were too blatant and tumultuous. I reached a point where I could no longer ignore it in the bigger picture of my understanding of my own gender, so I tried out calling myself nonbinary for awhile, and it ended up being a good fit.

Obviously everyone’s experience with gender/questioning gender varies enormously, but the distinction of whether or not to call yourself nonbinary is—at the end of the day—a personal decision you have to make for yourself. Two people with almost identical gender experiences might choose to interpret those in completely different ways, and neither one is “correct” nor would either be “wrong”. If you think you might be nonbinary, the most important question to ask yourself isn’t “what am I, really?” but rather “what would be helpful for me in understanding myself? What do I want to communicate to others? What way of interpreting my own experiences is the most comfortable, and makes sense to me?” It’s really similar to being a femme in that way, which it sounds like you’ve already figured out for yourself, so it’s great you know how to do that! Being nonbinary or not might be either an extension of being femme, or an entirely separate part of your gender. Whatever you figure out for yourself, it’s entirely your own experience.

Basically, if you go looking for some fundamental, secret “truth” about yourself waiting to be magically unlocked or discovered, you’ll end up missing out on all the things that actually matter in the person you already are (and were this whole time).

#ask #anonymous #my posts #nonbinary #femme

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stonefemblues · 4 years

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I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and so I wanted to ask a seasoned femme for some insight, if that’s okay. I want to identify as a femme lesbian, but I’m not sure if I can. Some of it is confusion on what defines a femme - I’ve heard so many different ideas of what makes somebody femme that I don’t know what’s true or ahistorical anymore. Some of it is not feeling feminine enough (though I feel closer to femininity than womanhood, if that makes sense?), though I know (1/2)

“aesthetics do not a femme or butch make. I’m single, so I can’t say I can be defined by dating a butch (tho I’m weak to femmes too). A lot of what I end up hearing is to read more history and it feels like a secret club I’m not allowed in without the secret phrase from a secret book. It’s confusing and distressing and I know I don’t HAVE to be femme or butch to be a lesbian, but at the very least, it feels bad not to understand my community like this. Do you have any wisdom to share? (2/2)”

ok to start off, you CAN identify as femme if you want to, right now. go ahead, try it out, you have permission!

the simplest definition i can give for femme is a lesbian who expresses femininity in their own way for themselves and for other women, who loves butch women, who feels a connection to butch/femme history/culture/community, and who stands in solidarity with the working class. “femininity” does not have to mean anything specific here, there is no femme uniform. you can choose to perform it however you wish, picking and choosing what aspects of things considered feminine you enjoy and what you don’t. if you’re a femme, you’d still be femme while wearing a three-piece suit.

honestly falling in love with/dating a butch is what really secured my femme identity for me, but you can definitely still be femme while single. you can try on the femme label and see how it fits, and maybe when you get more experience in a relationship you might find that it feels even more right, or maybe you’ll realize it doesn’t fit after all, but either way its perfectly fine to try it out.

reading about the history of butch/femme definitely helps a lot, because it gives you the context for the culture that is more difficult to get irl, since butch/femme is no longer mainstream within lesbian communities, and the majority of wlw you meet in real life will most likely not be butch/femme or know much about it. reading butch/femme history will help you feel connected to your community and your history. but there is not one specific thing you are required to read. you can get a lot of the context you need as well by reading what contemporary butches and femmes are saying about their identities too.

there are a lot of differing views on what it really means to be butch or femme and that’s ok. i have my own opinions which may not line up with everyone else’s. but what i think is important about them is that they are terms for a community, not an isolated identity. they are used to communicate something about yourself to other people in your community. and your personal community of women loving women, whether it’s online or in real life, might not look the same as every other lesbian’s. so you need to find a personal meaning that fits within your own community, if that makes sense. not all butches and femmes know each other or consider each other part of the same community, its not a secret club. find other femmes and butches that you relate to and enjoy the company of (irl or online), read what they are saying, seek out connections to other people. that is what will ground you in your femme identity more than isolated introspection will.

#i hope any of this makes sense lol #femme #butch/femme #snail mail!#Anonymous

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butchfemmelove · 4 years

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im blocking out your blog name because you cannot promote your nsfw blog on our sfw blog that is followed by many minors.

i would really strongly recommend reading through our faq, because it seems you have a misunderstanding on what butch and femme are and what roles they play in the lesbian community. there are no identities “between” butch and femme, there are just butch, femme, and lesbians who are neither. (and just in case you were wondering: “futch” is not a thing.)

butch is not just a word for “masculine lesbian” and femme is not just a word for “feminine lesbian”. they are each whole and complex identities, with a specific community, culture, and history. they are flipsides of the same coin, not two opposite ends of a spectrum of lesbianism.

there aren’t a huge amount of lesbian labels with the same kind of history and community as butch/femme have. there are a few that are specifically for black/latine lesbians, such as stud or AG. there are some terms with less significant meaning behind them that may refer mostly to appearance, such as androgynous or lipstick lesbian. there are probably many in other countries/cultures that i am not aware of. but there is not a masterlist of lesbian identities that you can pick and choose from like accessories just for fun. maybe you see other butches and femmes celebrating and finding power in identifying as such, and you want to get in on that, but that does not mean that they apply to all lesbians and that all lesbians should try and fit themselves into them. there is just as much power in simply identifying as a lesbian, and seeking broader lesbian culture and history to connect with.

if you were an adult lesbian around the 1950s and you frequented working class lesbian bars in america, you may have had to fit yourself into either a butch or femme role, because that was the dominant culture at the time. but that context no longer exists, and butch and femme identities have evolved and adapted to modern times. that doesn’t mean that they’ve lost all relevance and can be used however you like though - there are still plenty of butches and femmes today that continue to uphold and improve our culture and traditions.

as a lesbian, i encourage you to read about and find connection with lesbian history, as well as modern lesbian culture. but please don’t do so with the goal of just finding another label to tack onto yourself. butch and femme are only one piece in the rich tapestry of lesbianism, they are not all encompassing or meaningful to everyone. there are many more lesbians like you, who are not butch or femme but who find their own lesbian identity to be powerful and personally significant. trying to apply butch or femme to yourself when it doesn’t fit you will either result in watering down the meanings of butch and femme, or in restricting your own self expression and growth as you attempt to conform to something you are not. its okay to be a lesbian in your own unique way, and you can celebrate that.

again, i really would encourage you, and anyone else seeing this post, to thoroughly read through our faq, as well as our info tag which contains quotes, helpful posts, and links to further reading to understand butch and femme identity better.

https://butchfemmelove.tumblr.com/faq

https://butchfemmelove.tumblr.com/tagged/info

#mod s #asks #anonymous #am i butch/femme #advice

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yukiobeyme · 4 years

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can i plssss get some trans man mc who's proudly feminine headcanons with the boys? like to where you wouldnt even think they were trans but they're comfortable with their presentation, you feel? (maybe some trans Levi and mammon maybe not who knows i dunno-)

I will admit this was a little bit of a challenge, but I wanted to take a shot at it. I looked up for reference and I relate a little because I still like feminine things, but I think I turn away from them because I find it harder to pass. So with a mix of research and some of my feelings I made these hc. Thank you for asking for these, because I tended to do an insecure occasionally secure masculine trans man, so yes let's do a trans man who is confident and doesn’t mind if he is feminine cause he still valid af. Article I looked at is

Please let me know if any of these come off inaccurate, not LGBT friendly or can be perceived as offensive because that isn’t my goal. I’m totally open to having this conversation in the comments or privately.

Trans man mc who's proudly feminine

You are a transman

But you didn’t strive for masculinity

You adore being feminine

You sometimes bind but you were fine and comfortable with your chest

You didn’t feel the need to confide to people’s idea of what a man should look like

It was based on the culture of toxic masculinity anyways saying a man should be a ‘manly’ man all the freaking time. It was tiring.

You didn’t mind too much when people used the wrong pronouns, you gently corrected when you bothered but you were a man and you knew it, so it didn’t matter what others think

Lucifer:

Does have a puzzling and curious look

But completely accepts you for who you are

Asks question, being cautious to not overstep any boundaries

It was cute but also a little frustrating, but you knew he was just trying to be respectful

You finally told him that gender expression comes in a lot of different ways

Which he agreed to and then followed up with how you do it, how comfortable you were

You told him it took a few years and maybe occasionally on Earth it was hard because people are rude when they don’t understand. Like why not just be a lesbian, sometimes when you are frustrated or had enough you can get by as a gay trans man. But you came to terms with it and realized it didn’t matter what others thought. You were you and those who matter wouldn’t mind and those that mind didn’t matter

He totally gave you a small smile at that, he was really happy you felt that way and was just comfortable in your skin

He felt more comfortable to give you the occasional compliment

You would totally try and see if he wanted to test out a more feminine style simply because when he was stressed, he come and watch you do your makeup occasionally. He said your movements were really strong and confident it was relaxing.

Would never let you do it though. Except maybe one he asked about eye liner (Honestly I just want Lucifer in eyeliner tbh)

Mammon:

Asked the most question, some borderline offensive and insensitive

But you knew it because he cared and wanted to understand

In Devildom gender wasn’t a big deal here

But Mammon knew Earth and it customizes so he was just genuinely curious

Especially how men where perceived or should act

But most of these came from a place of him being trans and did get how you could do it sometimes

Because Mammon was a model and was always desperate to ensure he passed and always looked like a manly man

Mammon couldn’t truly relate but he offered modeling experiences that he thought kinda relate

Which maybe they did maybe they didn’t

But you enjoyed spending time with him and learning more about him

He would totally shyly ask you to do his makeup, especially if you wanted to practice

Either practice a new technique, product, or look

Totally enjoys it even if he denies it

But he liked to spend time with you and he actually enjoyed some of the looks you created

He ends up asking you for eyeliner and mascara recommendations

Mammon still asked questions and liked having discussions with you

And pushes his own thoughts, feelings, and opinions

Allows himself to embrace a little more of his feminine side

But usually with a lot of encouragement from you

His was on edge when he first wore a makeup look out

It was natural but it would be noticeable to his brothers

Expecting to be teasing but only Asmodeus commented on it

Saying it looked lovely and brought out his eyes

Which after you went back behind clothes doors

Mammon would be on that high for a long time

Enjoyed to indulge himself more often

Even went as far as getting a modeling gig that allowed him to be more feminine

It was his favorite gig he had ever done and he said you being there made it that much better.

Leviathan:

Wasn’t able to contain his surprise

But was quickly stumbled through an apologize

Because he didn’t mind

If he doesn’t have anime or manga with Femme Trans Men/ didn’t already know of any, he did his research and found some for y’all to bond over

And he used it for some education purposes, but asked you if it was accurate or not

He would eventually ask of the problems you face

He would eventually come around and said he has played with this idea he could possibly non-binary, but he tended to see himself as more transmasculine/ trans man but just wasn’t sure. He just knew he hated the idea of just checking a box for his gender

He disclosed how he was he was envious of how confident you were in feminine things

You totally dragged him on a shopping trip

You bought him stuff he liked and kept it in your room so he wouldn’t feel insecure if his brothers say it.

You ended up getting him a flower crown (I’m so sorry I couldn’t resist)

But you hang out a lot more and bonded with each other over anime, manga and even makeup

Levi won’t let you do his makeup, but he enjoys watching you

He says it’s really calming

You helped him push his boundaries

And telling him it doesn’t make him less of a man by enjoying feminine things

He would tell you, you helped him a lot with confirming his identity but you would refuse to take credit

Saying all you did was encourage him and create a place where he faced no judgment.

Satan:

You casually mentioned it to him while he was reading

He simply hummed in response

Until it seemed to register with him

He was really sweet but casually with it

He asked how much people’s opinions impacted you

You told him it might get to you sometimes but you were confident enough in your identity and appearance that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter

He ends going to one of his many stacks of books and pulled out a book before sitting down beside you

He tells you it from the Celestial Realm, but it contained information about Devildom

He flipped to a certain page and read it to you

That angels didn’t have genders and only adopted a gender when they presented themselves to humans

And then he was up again finding another people

About gender identity and expression

And how there are cultures that have similar ideas

It was really sweet honestly

He said he just wanted to make sure you felt valid and while he didn’t understand what it was like, he understood the concept and completely accepted it

Whenever there was an event that required dressed up

You would do your makeup in his bathroom

He would read to you

Totally gifted you makeup look books as well as magazines that had feminine male in them

Just small things that show he thinks about you.

Asmodeus:

Probably the most understanding

He loved embracing his feminine side, so he had a better idea than most of the brothers

Says he desperate needs more shopping trips with you

Does your makeup or asks you all the time to do it

He honestly just loves and adores it

Completely hypes you up all the time

Wants (he says it’s a need) fashion shows

But you also help him embrace a more feminine style as well

He would tell you about how he always wanted to try dresses, skirts, things that always seemed forbidden to him

While he might not wear it in public, whenever you were behind closed doors, he would occasionally wear one and do fashion shows for you

Then it was your turn to hype him up because you found out he was actually really insecure

Beelzebub:

Beelz never questioned it,

Was your hype man

Thoroughly enjoyed watching you get ready

And seeing your style

Would totally buy you things once in a while

He stuck more towards jewelry instead of clothes

But they were still cute pieces and kind thoughts

You would incorporate every piece into your next day outfit

Beelz reaction was totally work it

You would talk about it sometimes

He would hype you up or comfort you if needed

But a lot of times you were okay, you knew when you looked good and you identify was valid regardless of what others think

Would occasionally ask questions but nothing to extreme

Definitely made sure you felt love and valid at all times

Belphegor:

It was during lazy cuddling

Like he knew your name and how you presented yourself

But never gave it much thought

His eyes widen in surprise but went back to be somewhat shut

He told you it was all fine, all good

He made sure you felt valid and loved from his reaction

But in the moment, it didn’t go beyond that

Also lets you do makeup

Actually, you were dared to do his makeup while he was asleep

And you took the challenge

When he woke up he was annoyed at first

But later he told you, he actually liked how he looked

Eyeliner/smokey eye became a thing for him

You would talk a lot of what you thought/felt/ and your experiences

He just wanted to get to know you more and this seemed like to be an easy way to do so

#Trans MC #Trans Mammon #Trans Levi #obey me satan #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me asmodeus #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #lucifer obey me #mammon obey me #leviathan obey me #satan obey me #asmodeus obey me #beelzebub obey me #belphegor obey me #yuki writes #obey me hc

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escapekissed · 4 years

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Lucky do you have any favorite pieces of media from the psychological horror genre? Feels like its a genre that matches ur interests very well 👉🏽👈🏽

there are a couple that really speak to me!

first is rule of rose, which is a game that is incredibly formative to me. in a time where i was looking for representation as a young gay person and REALLY into looking up wiki pages for horror games, rule of rose showed me the symbolic trauma of puberty and toxic ‘love’ between girl children and the violence of patriarchal figures that i was looking for. it showed such cruelty but also such strength in its main character, and the symbolism? exquisite.... it also just has such a creepy atmosphere and the fact that the game is near impossible to play along with its shitty graphics for the enemies makes it so. peculiar and creepy in a very special way to me.

catherine is another atlus game near and dear to my heart, tho i dont think i’m ever going to be playing full body for that exact reason. it’s a game basically about eugenics and misogyny, about gods&devils thinking of women as only reproductive objects and the men in their lives that ‘waste their reproductive time’ being tortured and killed for it, taking away a woman’s choice. i always thought it would be so interesting to do trans and lesbian takes on this game, and i have never really? stopped thinking about how this game is so thrilling in its themes of entitlement and stopping people’s freedom to love as they wish. this is also one of the only horror games in which the ‘human element’ actually interests me. so many horror games give u terrible people and i dont give a FUCK ABOUT THEM. but the way this game shows u just snippets of his life as a ‘break’ from the excruciatingly scary (to me, because time limits scare me LOL), stressful as hell puzzles. and u get to figure out the mystery of what is going on in people who would otherwise be boring to you, but in this game are shrouded in just enough mystery that ur actually interested in their boring day-to-day lives. its so satisfying just to drink with ur buds. its like really great gameplay to me tbh. i also just love katherine and catherine and they frusturate me so much and that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do which i LOVE. extremely effective atmosphere setting and worldbuilding, basically.

the lighthouse is my favorite horror movie tbh because it does suspense so well. the movie is literally themed around suspense, the suspense of not getting sexual satisfaction to completion, of being touch starved and lonely and repressed, of being able to hold ur boss but never kiss him, of being fed lobster but it tastes flavorless and bland and u can smell ur boss’s farts the whole time while he prattles on with disturbing sailor’s tales and barks out orders until he’s lulled into his drink. i honestly love this movie. and the acting is brilliant and unhinged

there’s a few indie games i really like that have been either formative to me or i just??? really like their vibe and i can basically tell from them i would like every game in the ‘genre.’

pocket mirror to me is like, this beautiful game about your own inner toxicity and escaping from yourself. i love indie 64-bit games like this, the background art is so beautiful, and while i’ve never played all the way through it because it scares me too much---i love ib and all the games in the ‘ib’ genre LOL.

doki doki literature club i know is a very strange game to like, but i enjoy it for letting the women be actual characters with their own thoughts and feelings. the pychological horror movie ‘i’m thinking of ending things’ is the exact opposite of this game.'i’m thinking of ending things’ is a backwards approach to feminist horror in my opinion. it’s from a male’s perspective of his hallucinations of a girl that once didn’t give him a second glance and his violence towards her in these fantasies. it takes itself painfully seriously. it pretends to deconstruct something that the director helped soldify (the manic pixie dream girl trope) in the public eye. doki doki literature club on the other hand, the passive character who ‘things happen to’ is the man. the active roles all go to the women in the game and what they do to themselves in order to be loved by not just a man, but the player, and in doing so they often become the all-knowing god of their own prison. like tell me that’s not the dopest thing u’ve ever heard of!

twilight zone is a big one for me but 5 episodes in particular have shaped how i view horror forever. ‘to serve man’---where the greatest, scariest thing in the world is not being able to understand the language another person is actually using and for them to manipulate u using ur own, actually wishing u harm as they placate you with your own interpretations. the episode where a rich man’s last will and testament is for his vain, selfish relatives to wear a mask until midnight that reveals symbolically how ugly they are to him. they bicker all night with petty squabbles, and then at midnight he reveals the mask has permeanantly shaped their faces to reveal who they really are and the abuse he suffered under them. the cornfield episode still scares the shit out of me as someone with an entitled younger brother whose entitlement and anger is often enabled by those around us, and i’ve always thought that it was such a good show of like, how patriarchy enables little boy’s violence. the episode ‘all the time in the world’ where an abused man with a shitty life is finally the last man on earth and he can do anything he’d like to do and all he wants to do is read but then he breaks his glasses. and finally! the episode where toys in a box come to life and bemoan their fate as they realize they will be trapped there forever in clothes and identities they do not recognize. these episodes always scare the shit out of me LOL.

besides that i really like. low-budget passion project indie games. the first that comes to mind is ‘the path’ which is about a family of four sisters of various ages all inspired by little red riding hood who stray from the path and are hunted by the woodsman. and then the game that YOU my dear myers! showed me! that haunts me to this day. basically a tape talks to you about the areas of a house and then starts to talk about the house as a living creature. and the living creature is hungry, without you inside it. the living creature is tired of being alone, it’s tired of being abandoned, it’s tired, and it’s eyes are empty with no one in the windows, and it’s mind is blank with no one in the bedroom, and it’s hangry there’s no one in its basement to feast on, to torment as it has been tormented by disuse.

last but not least, i really enjoy the book ‘sharp objects.’ which is not technically a horror novel. but it is about a serial killer, and about women and abuse and it has some of the best writing ever. so i highly recommend it AND the miniseries (watch the miniseries first then read the book bc the miniseries is like. directed better? but the novel is written and characterized better. it’s also very short u can finish it in like a day and a half).

honorable mentions for horror In General (not necessarily psychological horror) are: 1) the birdcage. i honestly consider this movie entirely unsettling. robin williams failing to portray a man that is actually attracted to nathan lane, which could be because they have simply been married so long but also is just awful to me in general bc it makes me feel like even our outwardly gay but still more masc gay men can’t love and be attracted to femme camp gays even when they’re married to them. the fact that both these men that could be so in love, that were so in love at one time, you can at the very least imagine, are told by their only son that they need to go back in the closet to impress some old ass republicans, giving the message that no matter how succesful you are in the gay community, no matter how bright and wonderful a presence you are, no matter how loving you are, no matter how much you love, no matter how interwoven you are in lgbt-ness, the straight people you love most will still try to change you to impress the wold. horrifying.

2) coraline. its children’s horror but that’s still horror baby! i think lately about how much the movie talks about mothers and birth. coraline calls whybie ‘why born’ and i just think about how much she thinks about creating a new life with a new mother, and how going through that small door into a long tube... it’s like crawling into a new womb and being reborn to a new mother that loves you. and that’s horrific from a feminist perspective in and of itself---that your child would feel so unloved and unimportant to you that she would literally... rather die in this life, technically, rather be ‘unborn’ to you and born anew to someone, someone just like you but better, someone just like you but what SHE wants a mother to be, feminine and skirted and smiling. and then there’s the fact that coraline only gives this up when she realizes her other mother basically wants to change her more to suit her liking in ways that would cause her pain, at which point she realizes this whole fantasy is a lie, not real, something meant to entice her and control her and make her ‘perfect’---the same way she wants her mother & father to be ‘perfect’ in a way that causes her to act out and hurt them. it’s psychological horror that’s technically not psychological horror in the best way, something you can really dig your teeth into, something that has so many layers to it. and the animation! gorgeous!

3) finally i have recently watched annihilation. and it kind of changed my life a little bit.... so often we’re used to viewing monsters as either 1) malicious or 2) romantic/sad/sexy. but the monster in this movie is literally a metaphor for cervical cancer.

to me, the monsters and the corpses and all the beautiful scenery in this movie, in every color u can think of, a muted rainbow of flowers and nature at its best and most bizarre and sprawling. i often say that monsters are beautiful, but tbh, i feel like... somehow i always mean that in a way that is near-fetishitic, somehow self-depcrating way, where i want to consider what other people think is ‘ugly’ is ‘beautiful to me’ because what i am also ugly to other people as a monster to the cishet white patriarchy. there are things i consider beautiful, certainly, purely beautiful. but when i talk about monsters being beautiful, it is in the way the sublime is beautiful. it scares me, it haunts me, i love it, i want to possess it as part of me, a totem to carry in my back pocket to make the strength in my own ugliness stronger.

when i saw the monster in this movie (SPOILERS) i was immediately unnerved at this bad cgi abomination that bloomed from the most beautiul cgi cancer death cosmos imaginable. it scared me and i had to sleep with a light on for 2 days after LOL. but i was also moved by its gentleness. by the fact that the cervical cancer alien, when it tried to hurt you, wasn’t trying to hurt you at all. it was simply copying your movements. in the movie, it says that the creature wants nothing. it was simply copying. it was simply changing. it’s a prism of nature---and it corrupts yes, and it can hurt people and things and turn them into scary but still terribly unique and beautiful things that also kill---but the movie says that it wants nothing. it simply exists. it’s a part of nature, same as us, a part of the same universe and cosmos, despite being alien to us and stange and hurting us sometimes in ways that it doesn’t understand.

i don’t know. if i quite believe the movie when it says that, though. because i think if you copy someone, like a child would, you are trying to understand them. you are trying to understand yourself. you are trying to form yourself in another’s image when you have none, and you are failing at that, and hurting people and creating monsters in the process, but you are trying as best as you can to be whole and beautiful and sane like the lovely creatures you’ve met on this earth, or this body. to be part of something great and beautiful. to be part of another world.

maybe it doesn’t want anything. but do WE want anything as children, when we copy adults? why did the bear and the alligator try to eat our heroes if they were not hungry? did the bear and the alligator not WANT to eat? i think everything wants to live, and everything wants to grow, and if it can learn to live better and grow better it Will learn even if that is not its explicit intention. does the alien have feelings? does nature? do we have to personify things to understand them? no. does personifying things make us understand them less? no, yes, sometimes. we ask animals and nature to copy us, follow us, so that we can understand them better. the relationship in between----from the hurt, from the pain, from the droughts and the food shortages and the hurricanes and the fireworks---forms from our kindness and understanding. that our crops are useful, and the man-made mutation of our crops and the help of the ran and the sun is also useful. that our animals may not love us, but they need us, and we love them for putting their paw on our thighs to be pet, for following us into the bathroom even when we just wanted a moment alone.

regardless of its intentions, the alien, cancer, every creature, every human, they simply want to grow. in copying others---in trying to touch, to change, to understand, and be close---we learn to live in the same body, learn to live in the same world. the togetherness--the new sight the prism brings---it’s beautiful. it is beautiful to copy, however poorly. it is beautiful to try. we all shape others to our own standards---we sometimes forget we too, were made in own own perception of others’ image.

#ooc: replies #this took me all day to answer because i had to go to COSTCO in the middle. LOL #destructiveglitch

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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losing all my cool (branjie, oneshot) - holtzmanns

Here's a oneshot full of headassery to tide you all over until the next multichap. Thank you all SO much for all the support that you send my way both on AO3 and here about my fics. It makes me so happy and really motivates me to keep writing more. So, this exists because of you, in a way.

Writ is the bestest beta and friend and cheerleader in the world and I love them. Also the title of this fic is from Cool by Dua Lipa.

NOTE: The mug bit at the end - you'll know when you reach it - is inspired by a scene in a ghostbusters fanfic that I read years ago. So. Just wanted to make it clear that I can't take credit for that idea. That being said, enjoy!

Brooke Lynn Hytes is a lesbian. A premium cut, 100% Canadian beef hunk of lesbian, and everyone knows it.

Brooke wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s a big factor of her personality, per se. She just makes sure that it’s abundantly clear for any potential ladies around her to catch on. Plus, she fucking rocks a good beanie, oversized shirt, jeans, and docs combo and really, who wouldn’t know it from looking at her? Having a flashing neon sign above her head reading ‘GAY’ would probably be a little bit more subtle.

Despite the blatant display of her sexual orientation, it’s been awhile since Brooke has dated anyone seriously - a year and a half, to be exact. The time since has been a lament of Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, swiping right and left but not really ever clicking with anyone. Going out to the village but not really seeing anyone past a second date, because none of them really feel right.

Who would have thought that the dating scene in the city would have such slim pickings after awhile? Brooke feels like she’s wading through the same bunch of faces that she’s already seen before, way too many girls that have dated her exes or are her exes and really, she’s tired of it.

It’s a hard dilemma to explain to her friends, too, all of them either in long term relationships and happy or straight and having a way easier time finding guys for themselves. They don’t get the lesbian dating struggle.

“These apps are so dry. I’m going to be seventy years old and attending aquafit classes before someone pops up who’s going to actually catch my interest.” Brooke doesn’t mean for her words to come out in a muffled groan, but it’s hard for them not to when her face is buried in her hands.

“Aw, don’t be like that, B.” A’keria’s sympathetic hand reaches out to pat her shoulder, and it’s a little comforting, but not that much, not when A’keria’s other hand is busy texting her man. “You’re a catch.”

“I know I am. Problem is, I can’t find anyone else who is too.” Brooke shoves a forkful of pad thai in her mouth as she shrugs.

They really did all luck out, working in the same plaza. Brooke loves being able to catch up with the friends she’s made over lunch, Nina coming over from her bakery and Monique and Monet from their boutique and A’keria, Silky, and Vanessa from their salon. Having food options never hurts, either.

Brooke hears a snort as she takes a sip of her water, and looks up to see Vanessa rolling her eyes across from her, shaking her head.

“What?”

“You are so full of yourself, miss thing.”

Brooke shrugs, sprinkling more peanuts over her food. “I know my worth. A little bit of self confidence never hurts anyone.”

“Apparently, it hurts your dating life.” Vanessa grins, raising an eyebrow, and Brooke can’t help but pout.

“Hey! You don’t get the struggle. It’s harder when you date girls.”

It’s true. Straight people have it better. Straight people can pick each other up off the street, in the line for Starbucks. Straight people never have to wonder about if someone they’re into is also like them, if they’re even remotely interested. Straight people never have to look for smoke signals from potential people to date as clues. So Brooke’s not saying that Vanessa hasn’t been through it like she has when it comes to dating, but she’s also not not saying it.

Besides, Vanessa’s taking a break from dating, anyway. At least, that’s what she’d told their group after she’d broken up with her last boyfriend a few months ago. That she needs to go back and find herself or something.

Vanessa, though, seems unperturbed as she clacks her acrylic nails on the table. “Is it, now? Tell me, Brooke. Tell me about your struggle being a lady Casanova.”

“Okay, now you’re just making fun of me.” Brooke sniffs, leaning back in her chair.

It’s fine, really. She’ll find a girl eventually.

Maybe before she’s seventy.

If Brooke is the world’s most obvious lesbian, Vanessa is the world’s most incognito bisexual.

To most people, at least. Sure, Silky and A’keria know that Vanessa had dated some girls back in college, that her Tinder is set to both guys and girls. But everyone else?

Vanessa hasn’t seen the point of revealing it yet. What’s the rush, if she’s not dating a girl anyway?

Nor is she dating a guy right now either, but that’s beside the point.

Vanessa gets how she’s perceived. Face always beat, hair always styled, an aesthetic that’s femme as hell. Long ass nails, because why wouldn’t she get acrylics if she’s not getting coochie anytime soon? She looks good, but she also understands why she has had to be the one to hit on girls in the past, rather than the other way around. Because they always think that she’s a heterosexual.

And here Brooke is, doing the same thing. Not that Vanessa is interested in her - she needs a little bit more time with herself before dating again, especially after the drama of her last boyfriend. All she needs in bed is her rabbit toy, and it gives more pleasure than she’s gotten from her last two partners put together.

But she knows how Brooke sees her - straight, because Brooke’s playing into her own stereotypes about how girls interested in other girls look, how they act. Brooke would be the last person to guess that Vanessa’s bisexual, that she enjoys going down on a girl just as much as she does. Brooke, sweet lumberjack Brooke in her ripped jeans and her plaid as if she’s about to go chop a tree down with her nonexistent biceps. Classic lesbian, practically begging to be messed with.

And Vanessa has an idea. It comes to her as she’s walking back to the salon with Silky and A’keria after their lunch break, their friend group dispersing towards their respective businesses around the plaza. Vanessa finds it hilarious that Brooke’s a ballet teacher, going over releves and arabesques while looking like she can’t lift her own leg over her own head in those jeans. Though Vanessa knows she can, from one too many drunk nights out when Brooke’s old ballet dancer persona shines through as they stumble from the bars.

“You’re gonna what now?” Silky’s brows are furrowed, her eyes slightly squinting - partly from the sun, partly because she doesn’t seem to be following Vanessa’s train of thought.

Vanessa pats her arm as they swing open the salon doors once more. “I’m gonna confuse the shit out of Brooke. Shove all of her sapphic stereotypes up her ass.”

“As if she wouldn’t like that.” A’keria snorts, and Vanessa groans.

“Nasty. Point is, bitch has no clue I’m into ladies too. So, it’s time for me to get in her head. Make her reconsider how she sees other people.”

“How you gonna do that? Hytes is sharp. She’ll figure out something stupid in no time.”

Silky has a point. How can Vanessa fool Brooke in a way that won’t make her figure out what exactly is going on?

Except Vanessa, despite her normal state of being a bull in a china shop, does know subtlety, especially when it comes to displaying signals.

Which means she knows just how to get under Brooke’s skin.

The beanie from the top shelf of Vanessa’s dresser feels weird on her head the next morning. It’s one that she hasn’t pulled out since her college days when she had been trying to figure out her personal style and what suited her. Vanessa’s not mad at it, though, as she looks in the mirror. She’s still curled her hair and she’s still wearing heels but the button down she’s wearing with her sleeves rolled up is miles away from her normal aesthetic.

Not that she doesn’t rock it.

“Phase one, ladies.” Vanessa strides into the salon with a swing in her step, a coffee in each hand. Her first client isn’t coming in for another forty five minutes, but she’s here early for a reason.

“One of those for me?” Silky holds a hand out but Vanessa’s quick to lift the cup high in the air, out of her grasp.

“No can do. This one’s for someone in that dance studio four doors down. You know exactly who.”

Brooke’s fiddling with her phone, swiping through songs that play on the overhead speakers as the dancers in her studio warm up on the hardwood floor. Vanessa has to hold back a flinch at the way the dancers bend in half, pull their legs up higher than they ever naturally should be.

“Morning, Brooke!” Vanessa’s voice is faux cheerful, a smile on her face to hide the way she already wants to crack up.

“Morn!” Brooke’s none the wiser as she puts her phone down on the speaker system, turns around to face Vanessa before she pauses, eyes wide.

Bingo.

Vanessa can feel Brooke’s eyes trail up and down her frame as she hands Brooke her coffee. “You good? Looking a little spaced out there.”

“What? Yeah, I’m good.” Brooke sputters, taking a sip of her coffee to mask it but Vanessa catches it, of course she does. “What’s the coffee for?”

“Oh, no reason.” Vanessa shrugs, leaning against the wall. “Just thought I’d grab one for you, that’s all.”

“That’s, uh-very nice of you.” Brooke’s eyes are still as wide as saucers, and Vanessa has to hold back a snicker, because she’s so easy. “I like the beanie. Never seen you in one before.”

“Yeah?” Vanessa reaches up, fiddles with it, as if she hasn’t noticed it today at all. “Found this old thing in my closet and my hair was a mess this morning. Figured I’d bring it back, y’know?”

Sure, it’s a lie. Vanessa’s hair is meticulously styled as always, but Brooke doesn’t need to know that.

“Sure.” Brooke pauses on her words before continuing. “That shirt, too. It’s a nice one.”

Vanessa crosses her arms, the rolled up sleeves along her forearms showing off the simple black watch on her wrist. “Yeah? Didn’t think you ever liked what I wear. Or that you ever paid attention to my outfits. But it’s nice to know that you do.”

Checkmate.

Vanessa turns on her heels towards the door before Brooke gets to say another word, turning back towards Brooke as she’s about to step out. Brooke’s eyes are still on her, a crease in her brows, and Vanessa has never wanted to crack up harder.

“See you at lunch, Brooke.”

Lunch feels like it’s hours away, and it doesn’t stop V from fiddling with excitement throughout her morning appointments. The moment she gets to drop her styling shears and comb on her table is a relief, because it means that it’s time to execute the next part of her plan.

A’keria had originally made a face this morning when Vanessa had roped her into it, but Vanessa knows that she’s going to come through. Because A’keria is reliable like that.

Vanessa’s halfway through her dynamite rolls, but she feels like she has to scarf them down before the shenanigans unfold. She can’t focus on the conversations being held at their table, even though Monique’s story about their ridiculous customer from the morning is pretty funny. Especially because Brooke keeps peeking over at her while she picks at her tempura, which Vanessa catches because Brooke’s never been this quiet during their daily lunches before, so lost in thought with her brow furrowed.

Vanessa nudges A’keria beside her, their little signal. A’keria sighs a little before nodding, reaching for her phone, dialing Vanessa’s number. Just as they’ve planned.

Vanessa has to keep a snicker from getting out as Pussy Is God by King Princess starts blaring from her phone, because what better ringtone to choose for a scheme like this? Brooke’s head snaps up almost immediately, her eyes darting around the table to look for the source, and Vanessa takes the opportunity to stand up, hold out her phone.

“Gotta take this one, guys. I’ll be back, though!”

Vanessa has to try her hardest to not turn back, not peek at Brooke’s expression as she heads for the hallway with the sushi restaurant’s bathrooms, where she can answer A’keria’s fake call. “Thanks, bitch! I owe you one.”

“You really fucking do-”

Vanessa hangs up before A’keria’s done her sentence, and she can’t resist doing a twirl in front of the bathroom mirror, almost wanting to pat herself on the back. Because everything is unfolding exactly as planned.

She touches up her lipstick, dusts some more highlighter on her cheeks because she’s in front of a mirror, anyway, waiting for the time to pass. She watches the minutes tick by on her watch, and it’s hard, really, not to run outside right away, to see what Brooke’s face looks like at this very moment.

Kiki: what u got massive diarrhea in there or some shit

Kiki: come out already

Okay, maybe Vanessa should be waiting less than fifteen minutes.

It’s worth it, though, when she traipses out, sits right back down across from Brooke at the table, especially when Brooke’s face has about a million questions written across it.

“Sorry for leaving like that.” Vanessa holds out her phone, shrugs as she picks up her chopsticks once more. “Call from my ex, they’re in town. Wanted to catch up.”

“Oh?” Brooke’s face perks up in the most predictable way, and it’s exactly what Vanessa wants. Excellent.

Vanessa’s as cool as a cucumber on the outside, though. Quite an actress.

“Mhm.” Vanessa nods, grabbing an edamame bean as she does. “Think I’m gonna make plans with them for later this week. Our breakup was pretty chill.”

Brooke leans forward in her seat, ever so slightly. Just as she should. “What happened with you two?”

“We were just better off as friends.” Vanessa shrugs. “One of those people you still vibe with, y’know?”

“Sure…” Brooke trails off, tilting her head ever so slightly. “What did you say their name was again?”

“I didn’t.” Vanessa grins before standing up, tapping her watch with her other hand. “Though it’s almost one. Lunch is over, y’all.”

The corresponding groans echoing from the table, mostly from Monet, are worth it when Vanessa peeks at Brooke’s gobsmacked face.

She loves throwing her for a loop.

Brooke’s going to go insane. She really is. It feels like she’s in an alternate universe, where things are just not quite right, or maybe she’s been blind this whole time to it until now, but-

There’s something up with Vanessa.

It had started simple enough to be a coincidence. Vanessa in a button down shirt and a beanie. Sure, not her usual style, but we all experiment now and then. But then Vanessa’s ringtone had blared and it had been a fucking King Princess song, and she’d talked about an ex when she usually never does. Brooke had been listening, she really had, to see if she had been talking about a guy because, well…Vanessa’s straight, right?

But Brooke hadn’t been able to tell, and she’s still not sure. Because from how vague Vanessa was, she could have easily been talking about a girl or a nonbinary ex, for all that Brooke knows. But would Vanessa date someone who’s not a guy?

Brooke has no idea, and the mystery is killing her. Because Vanessa’s not gay. She can’t be. Can she?

Brooke needs to find out.

It’s a little while before Brooke sees Vanessa again, mostly because she has brainstorming lunch meetings with Detox before her friend begins to work on her dancers’ costumes before their spring showcase. It’s only for a few days, but Brooke feels like she’s going nuts, like she needs to investigate more or she’s going to lose it.

Detox notices, from the way her eyebrows are raised as she sits across from Brooke at her makeshift office in the studio. “Got ants in your pants, or something?”

“Detox.” Brooke rests her elbows on the table, leans forward slightly. “How good is your gaydar?”

“Gaydar isn’t a thing, dumbass. Straight people invented that.” Detox snorts. “If it was real, I’d be way better at hitting on the gay girls instead of the straight ones.”

“You just have a type, and that type is ‘not interested,’ apparently.” Brooke winks at Detox when her eyebrows raise. “Don’t forget, I was there all throughout undergrad when you’d cry in the bathroom after another straight girl turned you down.”

“Undergrad was traumatic. Don’t remind me.” Detox shudders, before holding out her hand. “I won in the end, though.”

Brooke fakes gagging upon seeing Detox’s shiny bling on her ring finger, as if she doesn’t want a girl for herself, too. “Don’t remind me. We know you’re married.”

“You’re just jealous of how cute we are. Now tell me, which girl has gotten your panties in a tizzy?”

“Tizzy-no, she hasn’t gotten them in a tizzy. Gross.” Brooke makes a face. “It’s one of the girls in the salon over there. I thought I had her figured out, but…”

“But now your signals are crossed?” Detox looks delighted, a little too delighted, by Brooke’s plight.

“But now my signals are crossed.” Brooke sighs, leans her cheek on her hand. “What straight girl likes King Princess?”

Detox shrugs. “I dunno. She’s getting kinda mainstream now, isn’t she? I swear I heard her play on the radio once. I think you gotta keep investigating, Sherlock Holmes. Find out more.”

Brooke gets her chance to do just that when Nina texts their group chat to make a plan for drinks after work on a Friday afternoon. She’s never said yes faster because she knows Vanessa is going to come, which means that Brooke will have the chance to dig a little deeper.

The bar that they choose is blaring tunes on their overhead speakers, making it hard for Brooke to hear anything aside from the bass of the latest top forty song, but she leans in nonetheless over the table Because Nina is bringing up plans for Pride this year, and Brooke’s especially interested in the answers of one specific person.

Vanessa’s wearing Doc Martens and the sight had been disconcerting when they’d walked into the bar, because Brooke’s never seen her without heels. The plaid shirt tied around her waist is taunting Brooke, confusing her even more because it’s the type of shirt that Brooke herself would wear. She’d never thought that she’d have anything in common with Vanessa’s style in the past, though evidently, her closet has some exceptions.

“I’m thinking we can hit up Garage and O’Grady’s for sure. Crews is going to be too busy during Pride, it’s packed to the brim on a good day.” Nina has her notes app open as she makes their itinerary, and it almost makes Brooke want to crack up, how organized she is.

“What about The Drink? Shouldn’t be as crowded there, either.”

Brooke’s head pops up from her appetizer of mozzarella sticks to see who’s given the suggestion of one of her favourite venues - it’s not A’keria, who’s on her phone, not Monique or Monet, who’d both disappeared to the bathroom together ages ago. It’s Vanessa, leaning forward expectantly to peek at the list on Nina’s phone, and Brooke feels like she’s about to do a spit take.

How has Vanessa heard of The Drink? Brooke would get it if Vanessa’s heard of the popular gay bars in the village, the one that straight people tend to go to more often than not, but The Drink?

“You’ve been there before?” Brooke can’t help but internally curse at herself when the words slip out of her mouth but she can’t help it, because she’s more confused than ever.

Vanessa’s eyes are sparkling just a little too much, and it’s making Brooke’s head hurt, just a little. “One of my fave spots. Why, wanna go there sometime, B?”

Brooke doesn’t miss the way Silky snickers into her nachos, and she has to run her fingers through her hair, rub her temples a bit to clear her head. “I’ve been there plenty.”

“I’m sure you have, but that wasn’t my question.” Vanessa raises an eyebrow as she takes a sip of her drink.

Brooke pauses, because she can’t understand what Vanessa means with her statement, unless…

“Wait, are you asking me out?”

“You wish.”

And Vanessa’s winking at her, turning towards Silky and A’keria, and Brooke’s going to go grey, really, if everything keeps going on like this.

Vanessa’s having fun. Way too much fun. Enough that she’s going to be laughing about it for weeks, because getting under Brooke’s skin has never been so entertaining.

Brooke is lost. Dazed and confused. Vanessa’s plan is working out perfectly, because Brooke already seems to have been turned on her head, not quite sure what is going on anymore. Vanessa almost wants to take pity on her, reveal her ruse, that no shit she’s also into women. But it’s fun watching Brooke struggle a little bit as she tries to figure it out.

When Monique texts their group chat a day later that it’s been too long and she needs to go out before she absolutely loses her mind, Vanessa jumps to say yes. Because she knows Brooke’s going to come too, and she can pull another fast one on her.

Kameron’s quick to agree when Vanessa texts her about it, saying yes before even hearing the full story, but calling Vanessa nonetheless.

“You want me to-”

“Help me pull a stunt on my pal. Just be at the club around eleven tonight.”

“You’re a crazy bitch, and I love it.” Kameron’s laughing into the phone, and Vanessa knows she has her intrigued. “I’ll be there.”

Vanessa’s back in an off the shoulder top and tight skirt for their night out, because sure, they’re going to a lesbian bar, but a part of her has missed her own style. Besides, she’s not trying to pick up anybody tonight, anyway. She’s just trying to get the attention of one specific person.

A’keria and Silky slam their shot glasses down at the bar, and if this were any other night, Vanessa would join them, even though she’s the lightweight of the group. But she’s keeping her eyes peeled, listening to Nina and Brooke talk about their current Netflix obsession as she waits for Kameron to show up and set her plan in motion.

Kameron sits herself down at the end of the bar, and the way she chugs from her beer bottle, muscles flexing, is already making girls turn towards her, trying to bat their eyes at her.

Vanessa knows that Kameron’s more than whipped for her girlfriend, Asia, that she doesn’t really have eyes for anybody else. Which makes the way she pretends to check Vanessa out hilarious, with a smile cast towards her that must have worked well on Asia back in the day. Vanessa wastes no time in winking back, and by the time the bartender slides a drink to her (‘compliments of the lady at the end of the bar’) Vanessa’s already slid off her barstool, meandering over to where Kameron is sitting.

“So who’s the one you’re trying to get the attention of?” Kameron’s grinning as she sips her beer, and Vanessa can’t help but make a face at her wording.

“I’m not trying to get her attention. That makes it sound like I’m into her.” Vanessa scoffs, before taking a sip of her gin and tonic. “Just trying to teach her a bit of a lesson.”

“Sounds like a lot of effort to put in just to teach someone a lesson.” Kameron lifts her chin slightly, gestures to where Vanessa’s friends are sitting. “Is it the blonde?”

“I can’t turn around and look right now, but - yes, it’s the blonde.” Vanessa wants to fidget on her chair, turn around and see Brooke’s reaction for herself. “Why, what’s she doing?”

“She looks kinda pressed. You’ve definitely gotten her attention, alright.”

“Really?” Vanessa leans in closer to Kameron, trying to see if she can decipher what Brooke is up to from Kameron’s reactions. “How so?”

“Looking like she wants to come over here and give me a talking-to.” Kameron snorts. “Think you’ve made her jealous.”

“Jealous, huh?” Not Vanessa’s initial intention but…she’s not mad about it.

Brooke’s used to getting every girl she wants. Maybe this will be a change for her.

“I’ve missed you and your weird schemes, V.” Kameron clinks the neck of her bottle with Vanessa’s glass. “How’s the salon?”

“Good. We still all miss you, though.” Vanessa pouts, crossing her arms.

Kameron raises her eyebrows. “It’s been three years since I’ve worked there with you guys.”

“And yet no replacement employee has ever been the same.” Vanessa gives her best dramatic sigh, and it has the intention of making Kameron crack up. “How’s Asia doing?”

The telltale smile that rises on Kameron’s face at the mention of Asia is heartwarming, Vanessa can’t deny it. “She’s good. Currently watching Jeopardy reruns and she’d told me not to wake her up when I get home.”

“You guys are the cutest. I want me a girl like that.” Vanessa sighs, almost wistfully. It really has been awhile since she’s had a girlfriend, and she’s never had a relationship as adorably hilarious as Kameron and Asia with their bickering.

“Yesterday we started fighting over the proper way to pronounce ‘caramel,’ and I almost had to sleep on the couch.” Kameron’s deadpan voice makes Vanessa giggle, because the sight is so easy to picture. “But pause that conversation. Your girl’s walking over.”

“She’s not-”

“Hey Vanessa, everything okay?”

Vanessa spins on her stool to face Brooke, and Kameron plays her part by edging ever so slightly closer to her. Not quite with her arm around her, but enough to catch Brooke’s notice.

“Everything’s great.” Vanessa’s voice is chipper than usual, and she doesn’t miss how Kameron holds in a snort. So much for acting.

“Cool. Just checking.” Brooke looks like she’s on edge, like she’s biting her lip to keep herself from saying something.

Vanessa slides off the barstool with her drink in hand, trying to ignore the fact that she loses a couple inches off her height when she does despite the heels. “That being said, we’re pretty much wrapping up. Talk to you later, Kam?”

“See you around, V.” Kameron winks, winks, and Vanessa really does have to applaud her dedication towards acting the part.

Brooke follows behind Vanessa as they walk back towards their friends. Vanessa looks up at her as they weave through the crowds, tugs on her hand so that she doesn’t lose her. She plops back down on her original stool and Brooke sits down beside her, looking a little grumpy for a night out.

“Kam’s nice, isn’t she?” Vanessa watches Brooke’s face closely as she asks the question, sees the way she scowls.

“Sure.” Brooke grunts. “Do you guys know each other?”

“Nope.” Vanessa pops her lips on the final ‘p’. “She bought me a drink, so I went to talk to her. Turned down her offer to dance, though.”

Brooke looks up from her drink, her curiosity getting the better of her. “Because you weren’t interested?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Nah. Because my feet are tired in these heels.”

“Oh.”

“Wouldn’t say she’s my type, though.” Vanessa keeps her voice as light as possible, leans forward in her seat.

“No?” Brooke’s breath looks like it hitches in her throat, and Vanessa can’t help but tuck a lock of hair behind her own ear, drum her fingers on the tabletop.

“Nah. I like blondes, not redheads.”

The noise that Brooke makes as Vanessa walks away to join A’keria and Silky’s conversation is worth it.

The only thing worse than Brooke’s pounding headache from her hangover is the way she can still absolutely remember everything from last night.

She feels stupid, she really does. What made her go up to Vanessa like that? They’re friends, she’s not into her like that. Not when Vanessa doesn’t even like g-

Brooke doesn’t know anymore.

Her brain feels like it’s being pulled into a million directions, and Silky and A’keria had been no help, telling her ‘we’d know if Vanessa was gay, wouldn’t we? She’s our friend’ and ‘I dunno B, better go to the source yourself,’ and now, Brooke has no idea at all what to believe anymore.

Silky and A’keria wouldn’t steer her wrong, would they? But that redhead had clearly been flirting with Vanessa, and Brooke’s not sure why it had bothered her, really, but still. Brooke had only gone over to see if Vanessa was okay, if she was in a situation she didn’t want to be in, but Vanessa had been plenty enjoying herself. Maybe Vanessa had thought the redhead was being friendly.

But it’s too much for her brain to untangle during her late morning class, the blaring of the music over the speakers hardly a distraction from the way Brooke just wants to go back to bed. She can’t even imagine moving like her dancers are doing so on the floor, trying to twirl herself around. She needs more coffee.

The end of the class can’t come soon enough, and by the time the dancers are cooling down, stretching, Brooke’s heading for the Keurig machine in her office to fill up her cup again. The first sip burns her tongue and she yelps as she steps back into the studio, grumbling to herself as the dancers leave one by one.

Running a class on a Saturday at 11 a.m. had been a mistake.

Brooke doesn’t get to focus much on her scheduling shortcomings, though, when the door opens, the jingle of the chain making Brooke’s head snap up.

Of course Vanessa still looks put together the morning after a night out.

Vanessa pauses once she reaches Brooke, taking in her appearance. Brooke knows it’s nothing to write home about - her button down, her leggings, her ‘say hey if you’re gay’ mug that she’s clutching to like a lifeline - but hey, not everyone is capable of putting a full face of makeup on after getting hammered the night before.

Vanessa has a smile on her lips that Brooke doesn’t really understand, one that her brain isn’t working enough to decipher anyway. But then Vanessa sits down beside her, casts an eye to her mug.

“Hey.”

Brooke makes a face. Why is Vanessa being so weird in the morning? “Hi?”

Wait. Hold on.

Brooke can feel her jaw drop just as Vanessa begins to crack up, pointing to her mug. “You take a long time to realize things, y’know that?”

“But…what…how?” Brooke’s looking down at her mug, looking up at Vanessa, and Vanessa’s just said hey which means-

“Bi, not gay. But close enough.” Vanessa has a shit eating grin on her face but Brooke can’t really unpack it now, anyway, because her brain is just…mush.

“Wait…so you’re not straight?” Brooke needs another sip of her coffee, maybe another cup, because she’s not quite sure if she’s still asleep or not, because maybe she’s still dreaming, maybe the entire week of Vanessa acting strange has been a dream-

But Vanessa rolls her eyes. “No, dumbass. And when did I ever tell you that I was?”

“But you had a boyfriend-”

“Bisexuals exist, y’know.” Vanessa’s raising an eyebrow, and Brooke gives her a sheepish smile, because she absolutely has a point. “That’s what happens when you assume things about people.”

“Wait. That explains-”

“The outfits, the King Princess?” Vanessa snickers, and she really does look happy with herself. “Thought I could teach you a little something about not always following stereotypes.”

“Okay, but A’keria and Silky-” Brooke pauses, remembering their words. “They’d say they’d know if you were gay.”

Vanessa shrugs. “They didn’t lie. They’d know if I was, wouldn’t they?”

Brooke frowns when Vanessa cracks up, because it had been a play on words, sure, but absolutely made Brooke believe something else. “That’s fucking sneaky.”

“Sorry, B.” Vanessa’s the one looking a little sheepish now, scooting a little bit closer, and Brooke’s never really noticed how good her perfume smells, really. “Didn’t mean to deceive you. I mean, I did, but y’know.”

“I can’t even be mad, it was clever.” It’s true. Brooke’s lowkey impressed that Vanessa’s pulled it off, that she’s been duped to the high heavens and it makes her wonder if anyone else from their friend group had known. “Was anyone else in on it?”

Vanessa shrugs. “A’keria and Silky helped a bit, no one else from our friend group. Kameron did, though.”

Brooke pauses, remembering the redhead. “So wait…that chick. You knew her?”

“Kameron’s an old friend who is happily taken.” Vanessa winks at Brooke as she says the words and Brooke’s not sure why her heart feels a little bit lighter after the admission, but it does.

“Oh.”

“You look pleased to hear that.” Vanessa’s looking at her with an expression that is knowing, way too knowing, and Brooke scoffs.

“I’m happy for her happiness, that’s all.” It’s a flimsy excuse, one that Vanessa appears to see through right away, from the way that she scoots a little closer, resting a hand on Brooke’s leg. “But y’know, you did pull quite a fast one. You’re lucky my feelings aren’t hurt.”

Vanessa snorts. “What, would you want something in consolation?”

Brooke shrugs, looking at Vanessa properly. She sees the way Vanessa’s eyes are sparkling, the way there’s a smile threatening to light up her face that she’s trying to hold back.

So Brooke may as well try.

“Going on a date with me would help to soothe this wound, for sure.” Brooke gives Vanessa a fake pout, puts her hand on top of Vanessa’s. “Y’know, to make sure I’m okay and all that.”

“Just to make sure you’re okay, huh? No other reason?”

“Oh, I can think of plenty of reasons.” Brooke can’t help the cheekiness that pushes through, the charm (or lack thereof) that never seems to fail with the ladies. And it seems to work with Vanessa, who’s rolling her eyes but nodding her assent.

“Well. Fair’s only fair, I suppose I can out of the goodness of my heart.”

“The goodness of your heart, hm? As if you haven’t been flirting with me for the last week.”

Vanessa gasps. “I have not!”

Brooke grins, because now that she thinks back to it, it’s all beginning to make sense. “You totally were. You’ve been trying to get my attention this whole time.”

“As if.” Vanessa crosses her arms, and the pout on her lips somehow makes Brooke want to kiss her.

“So you don’t want to go on that date, then?” Brooke’s barely gotten the words out before Vanessa’s sputtering again.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Thought so.” Brooke grabs Vanessa’s hand, tugs her closer until she can see the gloss on Vanessa’s lips, the highlighter sparkling along her cheekbones.

“Shut up.” Vanessa’s lips are upturned as she says it, as her eyes drag down to Brooke’s lips. “I’ll pick you up at eight.”

With that, Vanessa stands up, turns on her heels to leave the studio. Brooke can’t help but watch the view as she leaves, shaking her head.

She has no idea what she’s getting herself into with Vanessa, but she’d be lying by saying that she isn’t completely ready for it.

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #lesbian au #holtzmanns

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transstudiesarchive · 4 years

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Madi Lou (and trans+ artists, too!)

Playing off the idea of "T4T" (trans seeking trans, typically associated with the terms found on the app Grindr) I wanted to compile a playlist of trans/nonbinary/gender non-conforming artists that are present in a variety of genres and gender expressions/presentations/labels.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/52OZ896qRkAM2oqUwbtd5P?si=OQpd8kqSRnGGKcWe6XLcSw

"Maker - Acoustic” by Anjimile

Anjimile is a “queer and trans songmaker/lover boy with a heart of gold” based in Boston, MA

"Emasculate" by Dorian Electra

Dorian Electra is a gender-fluid pop musician who likes to become a “genderless clown” in their extravagant makeup and campy aesthetics.

"800 db cloud" by 100 gecs (Laura Les)

Laura Les, part of the duo 100 gecs, is a trans woman previously known under her project Osno1 (I felt it personally prevalent to include her song “How to Dress as Human” but could only find the link through Youtube)

"Heartbreaker" by Ah-Mer-Ah-Su

In her 2018 album STAR, Ah-Mer-Ah-Su wanted to tell the story of her black trans identity--a story typically connected to struggle and coping with extreme opposition from society at large. “For me, this album simply means that I’m a black girl with something to say. I have a story, and I’ll tell it through my music.” (billboard, August 2018)

"HRT" by Girls Rituals

Devi McCallion has worked in a number of projects centered under her label blacksquares. Her trans identity is touched on in such projects as Cats Millionaire/Mom, blackdresses, and Girls Rituals.

"Trans Femme Bonding" by Tami T

Originally starting her glittery electronica sound under the name Tami Tamaki, Tami T describes many aspects around the love for/between trans femmes // “So fucking brave, so fucking femme”

"Nonbinary" by Arca

Alejandra Ghersi, better known by her stagename Arca, came out as nonbinary and goes by she/her and it/its pronouns.

"Bitch Pudding" by KC Ortiz

Rising in the Chicago hip-hop scene, KC Ortiz wants to be known that she is no different than any other rapper. “I cringe when headlines say ‘Trans Rapper.’ That ain’t me...The only times that even crosses my mind really is when I think about because I’m trans I gotta be dope.” (Art Music Fashion Life, June 2020)

"Faceshopping" by SOPHIE

Sophie Xeon made her breakthrough in Oil of Every Pearl’s Un-Insides, becoming a known name after producing for artists like Charli XCX. She is very reclusive and has a smaller public image, contrary to her Louis Vuitton Spring/Summer 2020 appearance. (I have also discussed her imagery/lyricism of this song in 5th Avenue’s podcast--you should give it a listen to hear about other great queer artists!)

"Unkillable" by Katie Dey

“I was born inside this body and I’m stuck there/I’m a storm inside a rotting false construction” (Transition from “solipsisting” into “stuck” on Katie Dey’s debut album Asdfasdf)

"I'm Not 'Supposed' to Be Anything" by She/Her/hers

Emma Grrrl (and the occasional appearance of her friends) describes herself as sad grrrl pop-punk. “When I hear that a trans teenager shared one of my songs with their parents and it helped them to understand their experience, I just can’t imagine anything more validating or fulfilling than that.” (arena, June 2018)

"Gotta Gimme Your Love" by Sateen

Sateen is the band formally made up of the lesbian power couple Miss Sateen and Exquisite. Originally famous and sensationalized as a “hetero drag couple,” Exquisite came out as a trans woman and shifted the projection of their music and relationship into making disco for a new generation.

"TRANSylvania" by Kim Petras

Known famously on German television for medically transitioning in her teens, Kim Petras’ assertation in her identity as a trans woman gave her much of the internet presence and platform to successfully kick off a music career. “I hate the idea of using my identity as a tool...It made me the person I am and that’s a big part of me, but I think music is about your feelings and your fantasies and it goes deeper than your gender or your sexuality.” (billboard, 2018)

"Breakdown" by Torraine Futurum

Making waves in the fashion industry before walking in New York Fashion Week, Torraine Futurum says she aims to “do whatever the fuck I want to do on this Earth -- and it’s going to be excellent.” (them., 2018)

"I Am America" by Shea Diamond

“I knew at a very young age I loved to sing. My voice was effeminate and I remember feeling afraid to sing in the church choir...Desperate to find the financial means to transition to my true gender, I committed a crime in 1999 and was sentenced to 10 years in a men’s prison. I was afraid that I could possibly die in a prison system designed to ensure correctional jobs over human lives...I began writing ‘I Am Her’ as a statement to a world that said I shouldn’t exist.” (TEDxKC, 2018)

"Body and Soul" by teddy<3

Teddy Geiger has known many lives in popular culture from teen idol, romantic lead, to sought after producer. “I didn’t know anyone who was trans...I had very little connection to that, so it wasn’t really until maybe three years ago I started actually painting my nails and going out. Nobody cared if I was femme.” (Rolling Stone, 2018)

"Genderqueer Love Song" by Schmekel

“Schmekel means little penis is Yiddish, and is a play on the fact that all four members were born female but ow identify themselves on the masculine side of the gender spectrum. It’s an appropriate name for a band that started as a laugh.” (New York Times, 2011)

"Queer Kidz" by Ashby and the Occeanns

Ashlynn Barker is a trans/nonbinary musician based out of Chicago. They write songs about trans issues, queer identity, mental health, and video games.

"Cis Girls" by Dyke Drama

Sadie Switchblade of the band G.L.O.S.S. (Girls Living Outside Society’s Shit) came out with this “transparent” side project. “It’s pretty transparent...The songs are either about trans girl problems or dykey lesbionic friendships.” (Pitchfork, 2016)

"Femme Bitch Top" by Tribe 8

“When the trans-dyke neofeminist rabble-rousers known as Tribe 8 make music, not even heaven is safe.” (SF Gate, 2006) The San Francisco LGBT Film Festival entry “Rise Above” is a rock-documentary anomaly I highly recommend taking the time to watch.

"They / Them / Theirs" by Worriers

“You’ve got a word for one, So there’s a word for all. // The smallest things have become Which side are you on? // What if I don’t want something that applies to me? // What if there’s no better word than just not saying anything, anything?” The trio of gender-neutral pronouns

"Gender Nightmare" by Art Projects

“That’s not my face on the license picture // You call my name as it is on paper // As it will still be // When they write me up a eulopy” (Genius Lyrics analysis you want to click in on)

"Male Gynecology" by Shoplifting

A revival of riot-grrrl manifestas, the album Body Stories “brims over with precisely the kind of heartfelt, politically-charged fervor that’s far more likely to save rock. (Pop Matters, 2006)

"Third Gender" by Good Asian Drivers

“Sometimes my gender is chilling out inbetween, but most of the time my gender is FUCK YOU mind your own business!” → Please please please listen to the lyrics of this song, this is a wonderfully politically charged bop carried with heart and bass and punk spit.

"True Trans Soul Rebel" by Against Me!

Laura Les came out with her release of the album Transgender Dysphoria Blues and furthered this message in Against Me!’s album Shape Shift with Me. She was one of the first trans people I saw openly continue to pursue a passion despite previously having works “pre-transition” out in the world.

"If I Were You" by Claud

“Sometimes it’s more important to write from a perspective different from your own in order to touch on important things. People always tell me that I’m brutally honest and I think it’s because I don’t hold back on anything...it’s refreshing to hear something said that you want to say yourself, but just couldn’t.” (Popsugar., 2019)

"If You Knew This Was About You, You'd Deny It" by Wargo

A trans woman solo-acoustic based out of Virginia, Wargo’s sound is directly influenced by the punk scene of the east coast. She likes to call her style “Appalachian Power Pop.”

"I DONT TRUST U ANYMORE" by Left at London

Coming to a place of internet recognition through such vines as “hahaha I do that” Nat Puff’s indie pop project Left at Londed (shorted as /@/) dives into the heart of “what it means to navigate the current political world as a queer person, while still remaining accessible to the general public.” (“About” on /@/ website)

"Body Was Made" by Ezra Furman

“My body was made this particular way // There’s really nothing any old patrician can say // You social police can just get out of my face // My body was made” (Body Was Made music video is a quirky and fun stylistic retelling of these lyrics) Ezra Furman identifies as trans and bisexual and uses he/him and she/her pronouns.

"Complicated" by The Cliks

Lucas Silveira shared that the band’s name derived from two ideas; using The like iconic bands The Beatles and The Rolling Stones and Cliks as a portmanteau of the slang terms clit and dicks. (In The Life interview, 2009)

"Upper West Side" by King Princess

“Although [Mikaela Mullaney Straus] identifies as a genderqueer lesbian, King Princess doesn’t necessarily want her music to be placed in the ‘queer pop’ box.” (MTV, 2019) Who isn’t bored of the heteronormative narrative?

"Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe

“I consider myself to be a free-ass motherfucker. I want young girls, young boys, non-binary, gay, straight, queer, queer people who are having a hard time dealing with their sexuality, dealing with feeling ostracized or bullied for just being their unique selves, to know that I see you.” (NewNowNext, February 2020)

"body cast" by Dua Saleh

A Sudanese refugee, Dua Saleh nurtured their love for poetry in the beginnings of their Minneapolis music career. They came out as nonbinary while in their second year at Augsburg University but have said “I always been on gay shit.” (them., May 2020)

"Mercury" by CJ Run

“With a deep understanding of pop sensibility, and enough hooks to last a lifetime, CJ Run’s music is the inner monologue of a black queer 20 something in the 21st century.” (Propelr)

"Dancing With Stranger" by Sam Smith

“When I saw the word non-binary, genderqueer, and I read into it, and I heard these people speaking, I was like, ‘Fuck, that is me.’” (Vanity Fair, March 2019)

"SkindeepSkyhighHeartwide" by Lawrence Rothman

Lawrence Rothman is a gender fluid artist, musician, and producer. Looking into their Google Image results yields the visual evidence of the nine personas Rothman refers to as “alters, each one offering a different lens for their creative use.” (NPR, November 2018)

"Extended Vacation" by Ryan Cassata

Ryan Cassata is the first openly transgender musician to perform at Warped, winning the Ernie Ball Battle of The Bands contest twice (both in 2013 and 2015*). He has spoken out about American Idol attempting to exploit openly transgender people to pander to a broader audience banking on new forms of media “diversity”. *I saw him in Mountain View, California in 2015 and you have no idea how happy a newly out genderqueer 16 year old was to stand on stage behind a proud trans man singing on a bumping stage.

"Let My Baby Stay" by Amandla Stenberg

This entire article is great in explaining why Amandla’s openness on their pronouns outside of this website might have harmed them for the future of their career.

"Dolla in My Titty (Part 1)" by Peppermint

Best known as the 2017 runner up on the ninth season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Peppermint made her musical debut in Head Over Heels becoming Broadway’s first out trans woman to play a lead roll.

"Gender Bronoun" by Human Kitten

“What is unstable And what is real // This is a question that i ask myself on a daily basis // Are my emotions genuine Or are they just the result of my neural passages sending my chemicals back and forth” → “Caught i’m between two completely separate identites Who Can’t agree on anything // And i can’t even decide on which one’s me”

"Wow in the Now" by Honeybird

Honeybird is a musician and composer based in Bologna, Italy. Their mission is to listen to intersectional LGBTQ+ community voices and transform the daily struggle into songs.

"I Don't Love You Anymore" by ANHONI

“My closest friends and family use feminine pronouns for me. I have mot mandated the press do one thing or another...I think words are important. To call a person by their chosen gender is to honor their spirit, their life and contributions. ‘He’ is an invisible pronoun for me, it negates me.’” (Flavorwire, November 2014)

"Robert Frost" by Mal Blum

“Now I’m looking at the ground because I don’t want you to leave // I know it’s co-dependent But I think it’s kind of sweet // Out of every person in this city I could ever meet // Leaving feels like losing But I’m learning what I need”

"Dysphoria" by Saint Wellesley

“Binding my chest and biting my tongue Wearing boxers never fixed anyone” → “And this is the last time I’ll allow my ribs to be swollen // And I’ll grow out my hair And pretend I don’t care And maybe my ribs are broken” → “Dysphoria’s a bitch I wanna kick her in a ditch // It’s not fair to wanna itch All of the places that don’t fit”

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catboyfeli · 4 years

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the past few days i’ve been experiencing so much confusion and dysphoria towards the concept of nonbinary itself, and i think that’s part of why i used to oppose it??

it’s just?? i’m autistic so i take everything literally, so if someone identifies as their agab, but not the gender roles assigned to it, would they be nonbinary? what even is gender to most people?

i’m so loving towards queer cishets because, although i’m not cishet, queer attraction to men as a woman is a big part of my identity, and everyone has different interpretations of what gender is, so if someone experiences their gender as queer, but still identifies as it, wouldn’t they be lgbtq?

like, if a cishet man identifies as male, but does not conform to the male gender role, expresses himself femininely, experiences a disconnect from the male social role, and experiences attraction exclusively to women (or those who present as women), but in a way that isn’t the same as typical cishet men, would he be considered nonbinary or genderqueer?

people go on and on about self identity always being valid, but the second someone identifies as cishet and queer, they act like it’s contradictory. but heterosexual attraction and straight attraction aren’t the same thing?

people say lgbtq means anyone who isn’t cishet, but also talks about how cis individuals may identify as genderqueer, or something similar, to describe their connection to gender roles and social roles. so by that logic, someone can identify as cis + het and queer without it being contradictory.

it’s been on my mind a lot lately and makes me feel like bursting into tears because it’s so overwhelming and confusing and i hate how exclusionary and hateful the community as a whole is.

i just? i have one character i’m kin with, that goes beyond just having them as a character i relate to or find comfort in. he’s a cis man, but very feminine, doesn’t conform to the male social role in the slightest, attracted almost exclusively to women with a rare exception here and there for other feminine men, identifies as male but not with the male social or gender roles

i know it probably sounds silly to most people but for me, this kin majorly affects my identity and so often i just wonder? is he cis? is he nonbinary? i don’t fucking know??? sometimes people say nonbinary and genderqueer can also refer to one’s gender expression, and yeah, this character’s gender expression is 100% nonbinary. he doesn’t “act” like a man whatsoever and identifies more with women than with men, but still identifies as a man.

anyway the big problem is that i roleplay this character, and whenever i think about the fact that people would assume a straight man or lesbian wouldn’t be attracted to him, it makes me feel incredibly dysphoric, because like?? ok he’s male but he doesn’t behave or present male whatsoever, so yeah, some straight men and lesbians COULD be attracted to him because attraction goes far beyond gender identity and is affected more by gender expression than anything else

so this whole thing just makes me feel confused and dysphoric and i’m about to start my period so i’ve been real emotional and disassociative lately which makes me hyperfixate on this and it’s so UGHGHHGGHh.

it’s just so difficult to explain my feelings, beliefs, and experiences to others and it makes me so frustrated and upset.

i just wish? the community would come up with something to refer to actual non lgbtq people? instead of using cishet as a catch-all because it’s really not? someone who’s cis and het can still be queer in their experience with gender and sexuality, and although i’m neither, i’m still supportive due to my past confusion with all of this and knowing what i experienced was queer, but at that time, feeling as if cis and heterosexual best described me.

and plus now even if i was cis and het, my attraction to men and experience with gender would still be queer, regardless of my personal identity or attraction (or lack of) to women.

most of society sees gender as either male or female, depending on your sex or which one you want to transition to, and how you behave and present yourself is independent of your gender. which makes sense, but now i don’t know what i believe and it’s all so fucking confusing and some aspects of nonbinary enforce gender norms and others demolish it and it confuses and distresses the hell out of me

i just wish i had one person who understood my way of thinking, then i’d feel less alone and crazy, because like? a woman who presents as male can still conform to the female social role? gender expression refers to more than just presentation, and a woman who presents as female can not conform to the female social role. is that considered nonbinary or genderqueer? is that why people think i’m crazy for being supportive of queer cishets? is a person who identifies as their agab but has queer gender expression considered nonbinary or genderqueer? have i just been taking this “identity” thing too literally?

are gender and gender roles considered the same thing? because yeah, they are just about the same thing, but is that how other people view it?

typing this whole thing has helped a little with my thoughts but i still feel distressed and dysphoric as hell. i’m nonbinary, but still have a strong attachment to being female due to, you know, growing up as female and mostly conforming to the female social role, so seeing all this hate towards cishets makes me, by association, feel like shit, and seeing people constantly assume heterosexual attraction conforms to binary gender roles, makes me feel invalidated, invisible, and dysphoric. me being kin with a very gnc male character, who also experiences queer heterosexual attraction, makes it hurt even more and increases my distress and dysphoria.

like on tiktok? i saw some jerk say how “straight people shouldn’t use top/bottom” like??? first of all trans people?? second of all PEGGING?? like i said, i still feel strongly attached to being female, so this made me feel like garbage.

does the community consider those who do not conform to gender expectations as nonbinary or genderqueer? is cis used to refer to those who identify as their agab AND the gender and social roles that go along with it? am i the one who’s out of the loop?

feminine gay men (more specifically, mlm) are normalized in lgbtq spaces, but feminine straight and bi men when it comes to m/f attraction, aren’t, and are inherently assumed to conform to the male social norms. same with women, obviously, but i feel like it’s slightly more accepted with women.

even in bisexual spaces, m/m and f/f relationships are considered ‘superior,’ and m/f relationships are always assumed to conform to gender roles. by the lgbtq community, as well. people think m/f and het mean heteronormative, gender binary conforming. but it doesn’t. is there any sort of term or community for those who don’t conform to this? i’ve been meaning to make my own but i’d really rather not because i just don’t have the energy.

this is what i’m always talking about. this is why i thought so strongly i was just a cis girl that didn’t conform to the female social role. is my understanding of things just off? is being gnc considered genderqueer by default? and when i say gnc, i don’t mean a man who wears dresses or something, i mean men and women who don’t conform to the gender roles assigned to them because it’s who they are inside, not to make a political statement or whatever. i’m not gnc or nonbinary to make a political statement, i am because that’s just who i am.

anyway if i could just be a normal cis girl who isn’t exclusively attracted to femme men that’d be fucking amazing. sometimes i wish i was just a trans guy but even then i feel like i wouldn’t be completely happy since i’m just Not attracted to gender conforming men in the slightest. and yes, i’m bisexual, but lately it’s so rare that i’m attracted to women and when it comes to men, i’m exclusively attracted to femme men, not exclusively attracted to men as a whole.

so often i get jealous of trans men, gay men, and lesbians, and then i feel like an asshole because i shouldn’t be jealous but i am and i just wish i was one of them and not a fucking freak that doesn’t seem to fit any label or community properly. like my gay trans friend? i’m so jealous of him and i feel like an asshole. he has so much community and i have? nobody. i wish i was like him. i don’t know anyone who understands my attraction to exclusively femme men, and especially not girls who understand it. for a long time, you know, despite me feeling drawn towards the nonbinary label, i thought my lack of community of other women who understood how i felt and lack of representation, was why I felt that way, and I thus brushed it off as me being cis and confused.

knowing tumblr, someone’s going to see this and make fun of me or invalidate my feelings, as fucking always, so i don’t even know why i’m posting this. i just have nowhere else i can put it.

#long post #wren speaks #queer word

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reviewslesbian · 4 years

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“Rubyfruit Jungle” by Rita Mae Brown

Description of book:

(from the book) A landmark coming-of-age novel that launched the career of one of this country’s most distinctive voices, Rubyfruit Jungle remains a transformative work more than forty years after its original publication. In bawdy, moving prose, Rita Mae Brown tells the story of Molly Bolt, the adoptive daughter of a dirt-poor Southern couple who boldly forges her own path in America. With her startling beauty and crackling wit, Molly finds that women are drawn to her wherever she goes—and she refuses to apologize for loving them back. This literary milestone continues to resonate with its message about being true to yourself and, against the odds, living happily ever after.

Would I recommend this book? No

Is there a happy ending? Ambiguous

Is there a main LGBT couple? Do they end up together? No, there isn’t a main couple, and the main character does not end up with anyone

Is there triggering content? Incest, mentions of csa, lesbophobia, homophobia, racism/antiblackness, antisemitism

More thoughts (spoilers):

Praises:

I really don’t have much praise for this book other than it being easy to read. The one thing it had going for it was the window into the life of poor people, but even that isn’t really enough for me, considering most of those people are shown to be pretty terrible. I understand that it was written in the 70’s but to me incest will never be something funny to joke about or take lightly. Sorry, can’t get over that.

Critiques/criticisms:

I wanted to like this book and its main character, but in the end I ended up hating both. Molly just comes off to me as a “not like other girls” type, but that also includes other lesbians. This book hates butches and femmes, and really no one besides Molly is shown in a positive light. Everyone has their own issues that make them undeserving. But not Molly, who is smarter and more cunning than everyone. I don’t understand the point of this, because in the end Molly just ends up alone.

Also there’s so much underage sex in this book. I just don’t want to read about middle schoolers having sex. The intro really turned me off of the book, where Molly (at seven years old!) gets a boy to show his penis to their classmates for money, and it just got worse from there.

Also really hated the weird discussion of incest between Molly and Polina’s daughter. Molly says that incest is okay as long as both participants consent and are at least 15. I really shouldn’t have to go into how fucked that is, even if we ignore the fact that 15 is way too young to consent to sex with an adult. There is no way to consent to incest fully because there are always unbalanced power dynamics in play. You cannot undo the relations you had with these people that are your family. Ignoring that as well, incest is a real thing that happens to real people and has horrible, tragic effects on them. It is not something to be made into a fetish. It destroys people.

I also don’t like the ending and how it reinforces that you need to forgive and treat people kindly even after they have treated you like shit your whole life. Why should Molly show kindness to her adoptive mother, who has abused her her entire life? Why does it matter that she’s at the end of her life now? As a seven year old, her mother was calling her a shithead and cussing her out. Why should anyone feel sorry for this bitch?

Overall thoughts:

I was really excited to read this book cuz it’s always been portrayed to me as a classic lesbian novel. However, I don’t think it offers much in that vein. The lesbian protagonist hates butches and femmes and doesn’t seem to care much for other lesbians either. She’s shown as an anomaly with no equal, which means she just ends up alone. I love other lesbians. Other lesbians give me so much joy and sense of community. I don’t think a classic lesbian novel should have so much disdain for other lesbians, and so much hopelessness for the lesbian experience. You can get a lot out of connecting with your community.

#books #lgbt books #lgbt media #lgbt reviews #rubyfruit jungle #rita mae brown

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erinptah · 5 years

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Super Drags review (tl;dr Show Good)

The post where I do my best to spread the Good News, that there exists a saucy gay drag-queen magical-girl animated comedy and everyone should watch it.

Okay, not everyone -- I'll give some caveats at the end -- but definitely a heck of a lot more people than Netflix has bothered to advertise it to.

Look at this! Why did nobody tell me about this??

What is Super Drags?

Fast facts:

It's a 1-season, 5-episode adult animated comedy series, released in November 2018

Here's the official page, with a free-to-view trailer

It packs more explicit, unashamed queerness into those 5 episodes than any other cartoon I can think of

The only possible competitor would be if you took the whole 5000-episode run of Steven Universe and pared it down to a supercut of Just The Gay Parts

This in spite of being produced in Brazil, which (in my broad understanding, as a total non-authority on the subject) is more oppressively, dangerously homophobic than the US

The original is in Portuguese

There is an English dub, fabulously voiced by contestants from RuPaul's Drag Race

It's wrapped in "for adults only!" warnings, not because the content is any less child-friendly than (say) your Bojacks Horsemen or your Ricks and Mortys, but because Brazilian authorities tried to get it shut down on the grounds of this much gay being Harmful For Children

It was (heartbreakingly) not renewed for a second season

Here's a promo video, in which the main characters (Portuguese, with subtitles) play Drag Race judges for Shangela, who ends up voicing Scarlet in English.

And here's a beautiful flashy music video of the big musical number! (Also Portuguese, no subtitles, but the melody and the visuals stand on their own.)

Plot and worldbuilding stuff!

The elevator pitch is "What if Charlie's Angels, but also drag queens, with superpowers, because magical-girl transformations?"

In this universe, all LGBTQ people have magical energy. The Big Bad is an evil magical-drag-queen nemesis who tries to drain our energy for her own purposes. It's like if Ursula from The Little Mermaid was a first-season Sailor Moon villain.

...sidenote, in case you were worried, the representation isn't "cis gay men and nobody else." There's a butch lesbian in the recurring cast, a genderfluid person (in that specific word!) as a one-off love interest, and all the ensemble scenes are wonderful collages of different races, body types, and gender presentations.

Our heroes also fight non-magical everyday homophobes, who get written with scathing realism.

The moment I knew the show wasn't pulling any punches was in the first episode, where a newscaster complains about being Silenced by the Law of Political Correctness, then chirps "however, we have a special guest who is thankfully above the law!"

According to the reviews I've found from Brazilian viewers, it's also pitch-perfect when it comes to local queer culture, community dynamics, slang and speech patterns, even memes. All of which flies right over my head, so here's a post (with no-context spoilers) about one viewer's favorite details.

The handful of reaction posts on Tumblr have a dramatic split between "Brazilian viewers fiercely defending the show as culturally-accurate, uplifting, and brave in a terrifying political moment" and "American viewers complaining that the show is problematic because it's a comedy about drag queens with no perfect role models and lots of sex jokes."

As the Super Drags tell their nemesis (and this is also in the first episode): "How dare you try to turn the LGBTQXYZ community against each other? We do enough of that on our own!"

In between missions, our girls work sitcom retail jobs and deal with other everyday problems. All of which are written in amazingly nuanced and thoughtful ways for a show that also features "defeating an orgy monster with a lip-sync battle."

Detailed character stuff!

Our heroes are Color Coded For Your Convenience!

The Super Drags themselves go by "she" in-uniform, and a lot of the time when out of it. Like the Sailor Starlights, only more so. I'll roll with that.

In blue: Safira Cyan, or Ralph by day, an excitable college-age kid who's built like a football player and squees like a fangirl. (She's an anime fan in the original, and for some reason all the otaku references were replaced in the dub, but you can see them in the subtitles.)

Ralph lives with her younger sister (they play video games together!) and their dad, comes out to them mid-series, and is very shippable with another young guy who starts out reciting the homophobic beliefs he was raised with but whose heart clearly isn't in it.

Safira's weapon is a classic magical-girl wand that casts protective force-fields. Which are shaped like condoms. Because of course.

In yellow: Lemon Chiffon, aka Patrick, the oldest of the group and generally the smartest/most strategic. In most cases, the other two treat her as the de facto team leader -- unless she pushes it too far.

By day she's a single guy with thick thighs and thinning hair, who has some body-image insecurities on the dating scene. And this show has Things To Say about unrealistic beauty standards within the community...not to mention, about masc guys who look down on anyone too flaming or femme because straight people disapprove.

Lemon's weapon is a fluffy boa that can be used as a whip or a lasso, especially when there's a bondage joke to be made.

In red: Scarlet Carmesim, also Donizete, the loudest and most aggressive teammate with the most cutting insults, who refuses to suppress that attitude in an attempt to appease racists. (But will give it a shot when trying not to get fired.)

Donny still lives in her religious/homophobic mom's apartment, and I'm pretty sure it's because neither of them can afford to move out. Her rock-solid sense of fierce self-confidence is the reason it doesn't bring her down.

Scarlet's weapon is a fan that she uses to throw shade. Yeah, you knew that was coming.

The Charlie to these angels is Champagne, who runs operations from a cool magitech compound and breaks the fourth wall at the end to petition for viewers' support in getting a second season.

...we let her down, folks :(

So here's a thing. The show never draws a sharp line between "people who become drag queens because it's a way they're driven to express themselves as gay men" and "people who become drag queens because they were trans women all along." That's consistent with how South American LGBT+ culture works. (Again: best of my knowledge, not personally an authority on this, etc etc.)

Many of the characters, including Champagne, never describe themselves in ways that translate to one of our sharply-defined Anglo-USian identity categories. And I'm not going to try to impose any English labels on them here.

But I can say (in contrast to Safira, Lemon, and Scarlet), Champagne never switches out of her "drag" name/voice/presentation, not even in the most candid off-duty scenes, and still has the same bustline when naked in the tub. Make of that what you will.

You Should Watch This Show

If you have a Netflix subscription, watch Super Drags!

If you ever do a Netflix free trial month in the future, make a note to yourself to watch Super Drags!

It's one of their original productions, so there's no risk of missing your chance because the license expired. But it's absolutely not getting the promotion it deserves. Which means potentially interested viewers won't find it, which means Netflix will think there's no interest, which means they'll keep not promoting it...etc etc etc.

No idea if there's any chance of getting it un-canceled, but maybe we can at least convince them to release it on DVD.

And the sheer gutsiness it took for a group of Brazilian creators to produce this show in the first place -- that deserves to be rewarded with your attention.

In spite of various anti-discrimination laws that sound good on paper, the country has serious problems with homophobia, transphobia, and anti-LGBT violence (warning, article has a violent image which is only partly blurred).

Maybe the creators could've gotten a second season if they made this one softer, less sexually-explicit, more restrained...but honestly? I bet that wouldn't have helped.

Consider Danger & Eggs, an Amazon original cartoon. It was made in the US, thoroughly child-friendly, and restricts its LGBT+ representation to things like "characters go to a Pride celebration...where nobody ever names or describes the quality they're proud of."

And it didn't get renewed past the first season either.

(Note: it had a trans woman showrunner and a queer-heavy creative staff, so I blame all that restraint on executive meddling, not the creators themselves. The showrunner even liked the tweet of my review that complains about it.)

So there's something very satisfying about how Super Drags went all-out, balls-to-the-wall (sometimes literally), all the rep explicit and unapologetic, packing every 25-minute episode with all kinds of queer content that would be censored or muted elsewhere -- but here it's exaggerated and celebrated and just keeps coming.

(...as do jokes like that, and I'm not sorry.)

Okay, there are a few legitimate reasons to not watch this show

Some caveats.

None of these things are Objectively Bad Problems that the show itself should be shamed for...but maybe they're genuinely not your cup of tea.

It does have actual Adult Content beyond "the existence of gay people." This show loves to swing barely-clothed cartoon genitalia in your face. There is, as mentioned, an orgy monster. If that kind of humor is going to bother you too much to appreciate the rest of the show, give it a pass.

I wasn't kidding about how realistic the homophobes are. Opening of the first episode has a guy trying to murder a busload of people while shouting slurs at them. If that level of hatred on-screen is gonna crush your soul, even in a show about sparkly queens flying to the rescue with dick-shaped magical weapons, don't push yourself.

Any fiction with this much crossdressing and gender-transgressing is going to hit some trans viewers in a bad way. Because trans people are such a broad group, with so many different experiences, that Every Possible Trope Involved pushes somebody's buttons. (See also: "some trans readers complain about a storyline that turns out to be drawn from a trans writer's actual life experience".) If this show goes does gender things that turn out to be personally distressing for you...or even just distressing for this specific time in your life...don't feel obligated to keep watching.

It has aggressively-sassy queer characters making jokes and calling each other things that are affectionate in-context, but would not be okay coming from straight/cis people. If you can't wrap your head around that, go watch something else.

Other Than That, Go Watch This Show

For all its big heart, big ambitions, and big gay energy, Super Drags is tiny enough that I've binged the whole show 2 times in the past 2 weeks. Thankfully, it's highly re-watchable -- lots of fun background gags and subtle foreshadowing that you don't catch on the first round.

(Pausing one last time to appreciate that a show with elements like "the high-tech robot assistant is called D.I.L.D.O." can be subtle at all, let alone be this good at it.)

I've also paged through all the fanart on Tumblr and Deviantart, looked up the single fanfic on the AO3, and started brainstorming plans to request it in Yuletide next year. Someone, please, come join me in (the English-language side of) the itty-bitty fandom for this ridiculous, glittery, over-the-top, fabulous series.

#Super Drags #lgbtq #recommendations #recs

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dykecadence · 5 years

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A Dissertation to Prove that Alice Quinn from The Magicians is a Lesbian Experiencing Comp-Het

some of my twitter friends requested i post this on here so @alicequinnlove i hope this is good! (keep in mind this was written before the second half of season 4 so some things are out of date)

1. Her attraction to Quentin as compulsive heterosexuality

Alice only expresses attraction to Q once he has expressed attraction to her

Jumping into a relationship with the first guy to show interest in her despite knowing they don’t necessarily work (and that she is better than him)

Never feels sexual fulfillment in their relationship (until that one ep) but not saying anything about it

Rebounding quickly with another guy after Q cheats as if she is trying to prove something to herself/him

Every time she talks about sexual encounters before Q she says they were all uncomfortable and very impersonal

Look, as someone who struggled with comp-het for a LONG time and has dated guys because of it… Q is exactly the type of soft, nerd boy that is perfect for closeted lesbians to try and date as a means of making themselves seem straight. He’s non-threatening and when you don’t want to confront your sexuality it can be easy to trick yourself into getting crushes or turning friendships into something more.

Not entirely supporting my point because I do think opposite sex friendships are very important but; the fact that Alice was far more upset about her trust being broken and losing one of her best friends than the relationship ending

2. Her inherent unease around other women

Alice is uncomfortable around other women but not because she feels threatened by them. In fact, we don’t really know why she’s so uncomfortable with them at first.

Alice has no close female friends thus the way she views her interactions with women is skewed through Hetero Goggles

She would have no frame of reference for determining if there is a difference in her feelings toward women/patricular women

With Margo in particular, Alice is uneasy which I would chalk up to:

Margo compliments Alice/her body often

Margo being so comfortable with herself

Margo blatantly flirting with her at times

They have tension

I mean…… Margo/Alice Rights!

3. Magic often functions as an allegory for The Gay

Alice has always felt out of place

She fears her own “magic”

Her family didn’t teach her any magic she had to find it on her own

Magical found family narratives are for the gays only

Unaware of her own potential, still hasn’t unlocked it

She holds herself back in her magic, just as she does in every other aspect of life

4. Sex in this show is barely ever just sex

Basically everyone in this show uses sex as a coping mechanism

Especially Alice

Alice sleeps with Q because she’s stressed and worked up in Brakebills South

People had also been telling them to sleep together or speculating the would for months

She may have felt like it was what she was supposed to do

Her immediate distrust of the truth of her feelings once they get back is not something you would expect from someone who is getting what they want

She often says, “I love you” to Q but never says that she is “in love” with him. An important distinction as this show displays many different forms of love.

Alice sleeps with Penny when Q cheats. Why does she do this? To get back at him presumably but I don’t think she’s that petty. I think it was insecurity. Her trying to prove herself to herself.

Alice kisses Q/has sex with Q post-break up only in emotionally intense scenarios where she is overwhelmed by grief, power, or both.

Kissing him at the tree

Having sex with him when she gets back from being a Niffin

Carriage ride to the fight with the Beast

5. Alice has never really had friends

Her experience with comp-het and her inexperience with friendship would very likely lead her to misattribute close feelings of friendship with attraction.

I have personal experience with this so I feel this assumption is justified

Since she knows so few people and Q is the only one she has a close/friendly relationship with she clearly feels the strongest connection to him

She instinctively distrusts everyone and doesn’t let people in easily so it would be hard to know her true feelings

If we could see her in a close female friendship in this show I think she would bond quickly and strongly (as she did with Sheila)

It’s not that she doesn’t want friends, it’s that she has a hard time letting her walls down which ~gay~

It would be invaluable to see her have a close female friendship as we could compare that to her season 1 interactions with Quentin and decipher her behavior

Her few friendly interactions with Margo had a lot of tension before she and Q got together

6. Alice has not expressed attraction to anyone since her last encounter with Q in (I think) late season 2.

This encounter was an instance of sex not just being sex. It was her being overwhelmed after coming back from being a Niffin and seeking comfort/distraction in something familiar i.e. Quentin

Since then she has:

Not expressed in interest in getting back with Q

Not had sex with anyone

Not mentioned an attraction to anyone

Made no insinuation of lingering romantic feelings for anyone she has previously been involved with (with the exception of Timeline23!Alice but as she is not Our Alice she is not relevant)

Her attraction to and intimate interactions with Q have been nothing more than physical since season 1

They have slept together again multiple times but it was always because of some bigger emotional turmoil and not love

She said she didn’t want to get back together with him after the threesome and I think (in terms of a real relationship) she means that

But she used sex as a coping mechanism since Q was familiar/her closest friend and it made her feel like herself

I don’t think either of them have had genuine romantic feelings for each other for a while but U believe Alice’s went away faster (because she never really had them due to comp-het)

7. Gay Coding

A lot of aspects of this show are unambiguously queer-coded

There is no such thing as gay panic in this show so there is no need to be weirded out over gay stuff and if you are you are portrayed as the weird one (ex. Hymen)

Alice’s cold intelligence and manner is pretty lesbian coded

Her style is high femme and I will not be told otherwise

8. This doesn’t fit into a particular spot but…

When Q mentions the dream that Penny walked in to involving her and Julia kissing, her problem was not with herself kissing another girl or even that it was a kinda gross fantasy for Q but rather that Q was thinking about his former crush alongside her.

She doesn’t dwell on the gay of it all just the fact that Q is subconsciously thinking of his old crush

9. I would argue that Alice’s inability to find sexual pleasure with Q (until that one ep) is a ~problem~ on both of their parts.

Partially due to Quentin having no clue what to do

But I think mostly due to the fact that she doesn’t really feel sexually attracted to him

The one time it is “fulfilling” to them it is because they are trying to get Penny back

Alice is determined to get shit done so I’m sure she is capable of…. Fulfilling her part in getting Penny back even if she didn’t really feel as much as she should

As I’ve said, they never really have sex just because, there’s always an external factor (as far as we the viewer are aware)

10. She had more chemistry with Penny than with Q despite “loving” him

11. Her previous experiences

She was standing up and at a party for all of them according to her

These interactions are:

Impersonal

Likely the result of alcohol

Clearly not fond memories

12. Niffin!Alice and Dark!Willow are Very Similar in quite a few ways, enough said

13. Her feelings for Quentin feel like the “I’ve decided to have a crush now”

As I said, she only expresses interest in him once he has expressed interest in her

Crush comes out of nowhere

She seemed very professional with Q at first

She skips friendship and goes straight for crush

But the crush was really friendship

Her romantic feelings for him are contingent on how emotional she is

14. Alice awkwardly avoiding talking about the Incubus’ penis

She doesn’t wanna say penis lmao

15. New Addition: “But she and Q got back together!”

I felt the need to address this additional point and why it doesn’t effect my theory.

Once Alice left The Library she was a prop for the rest of the season.

Logically they have no reason to get back together as they’ve both been growing far more on their own than they did together.

I think her going back to him only serves to prove she is only with him because she desperately wants to feel loved even if she doesn’t quite understand her own feelings

Alice is reaching out to reconnect with Q in an attempt to gain some of her old self back

She knows she cares for him and that he cares for her and she automatically assumes that romance is the logical answer for those feelings

It’s comp-het babey

Them getting back together was a cheap ploy to add more emotional weight to Q’s death

If anything I feel it supports this theory

In conclusion, Alice Quinn is a lesbian. Send tweet

#this is a mess hopefully it's okay lol #watch me get hate on this even though i haven't actively done anything tm related since like april w egg nation #ill die on the lesbian alice hill #alice quinn #the magicians #tm #the formatting on this is so ugly on mobile I'm so sorry

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