#also i just want to stress how BADLY doctors fucked up my body by trying to control my menstrual cycles via birth control

[dark-side-blog3]

I play degrees of lewdity! day 2 warning for canon typical violence, noncon, and spoilers

++++

I went into the woods to see if something could interest me. Wenta little far in and heard a wolf howl. FUCK 0x0

++++

I managed to avoid the wolves so now I'm thinking that's only gonna be a problem if you've got beastiality toggled on. Also picked up some arrow heads that I can apparently sell at the museum! And I've got school the next ingame day so now I'm worried how I'm gonna be able to grind and get the cash i need for Bailey while also going to school... There's got to be consequences if you don't go to school, right? Even though this game is focused on fantasy rape? I feel like there are consequences if you don't go to school... Surely...

On the plus side I got hired at the docks for weekends so maybe that'll be good and help me earn some cash!

++++

ROBIN SOLD HER CONSOLE! Is there a way to spot her a bit of cash? :( I took her for a picnic so we had a little bit of fun and didn't end up staying out at night (can you get raped while walking with someone else in this game? Like irl yes but in game? The logic ain't really logic-ing because its a videogame so maybe it cancels out?)

also i found mickey and im trying to get him to purge my records of constant rape from the files and he's kinda weird?

++++

I forgot to save my game file before working at the brothel and I just didn't like it :/

Sooooo I'm going back to my last save which was before school started. I've got to redo all my efforts for classes but whatever :p

++++

Got raped while leaving school. its the cigerette event. Meh :/

++++

ey i am not a catholic but Sydney is amazing. Actually the best character in this game. I hope nothing bad ever happens to him and I will fight for this :) <3 What a wholesome guy.

AH sydney just asked what it means when people flirt with him. I know he's a grown man and can technically engage if he wants but he's so innocent I can't tell him the truth... I comforted him :')

++++

Loft discovered and exams passed eyyyyyy very good

++++

I got raped and they stole my skirt and panties! I tried to walk to the store to buy more clothes but I got accosted on the beach! My character ended up passing out from the pain. When i woke up a different group has stolen the rest of my clothes and collared me, and hypnotised my character to strip instead of concealing any exposed skin, which has six different body-writing phrases!

Fuck!

++++

Robin has confessed that she feels like Bailey is unreasonable :( poor girl.

++++

ROBINS AT THE DOCKS?!?!?!?! SHE COULDN'T AFFORD TO PAY!

Im gonna save here incase i change my mind.

attempted to fight: Lost. Badly. Afterwards, got tossed into the sea without my clothes, got exposure, passed out, woke up with the feat "Alluring" achieved. Robin is still on the boat. proceed to get raped as soon as i wake up again. This is going to be struck from my record.

attempt to take robins place: She's successfully back on shore, I got tossed overboard while stripped and passed out again. Dolphin merfolk played with me though so I stopped being stressed. Swam to shore, and somehow it made my character less stressed. Got swept out to sea. ended up getting picked up by a boat and getting raped, but not by the same people as before. Fuckers tossed me overboard afterwards. Got beat up immidietly afterwards too by another gang of rapists. Robin better be as loyal as a dog to my character after this.

Had just enough energy to go get shackles removed at museum. and woke up in the hospital with doctor harper again. I am now supposed to go to therapy every Friday at the hospital. And I've now been arrested by the police, and am preforming five days of community service.

I took Robin to the hospital. I swear, Robin better be worth all the torment I went through. And there better be a DAMN good reason I have to drag Robin to the hospital after I literally passed out from pain and had to be carried in on a stretcher.

+++++++

Robin has not infact helped at all and has been somewhat useless.

++++

had consensual sex with a guy and it was actually so sweet <3 Askd him to wear a condom for oral sex and he did and he gave praise the whole time, what a sweet guy <3

++++

SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY ROOM WHILE I WAS GONE AND NOW MY PANTIES ARE MISSING???? WHAT THE HELL-- its got to be someone bailey approved of because he's canonically thrown a pervert out when they don't have a reason to be perving in the orphanage, but also??? I've been paying bailey, I've never missed a payment, and I've never fought him. Why??? Is it Kylar?

++++

I am in therapy w/harper, and he wants to hypnotize me. This feels like its about to go horribly wrong. It doesn't tell me what it is exactly when i overwhelmed, so I'm going to have to try really hard to keep my stress down!

++++

Aight I am making another save file with robin cuz i actually really like this timeline even though robin is useless

Also the cream buns are so good that whats his name (sam?) is buying the store next to it, which is great... Except for the fact that this is how i grind out the most cash. And I decided to take on robins debt like a moron.

++++

Kylar is stalking me. Confirmed because something was watching me since i left the house, and I saw him do that horror movie trope with the bus at nightinggale street.

But also i might restart the save because despite taking robins debit robin isn't at school. I'm not paying extra if shes not even here :/

Ah but a quick look at the reddit says this is normal, robin is just getting the fuck beat out of them. Well... Aint nothing I can do about that now.

+++

Got raped while trying to break into houses, and got raped on my way to the hospital for after pills :/

+++

My character is getting raped by rando's so much I'm bored reading the chats and I'm bored documeting them. I'll add anything of note. Like whatever the fuck is up with the mommy kink ginger sewer woman. Did not enjoy that. I am into mommy/daddy stuff within reason, and this was far outside of it.

+++

GOT RAPED AND WE KNOW WHAT HARPER HYPNOITSED ME FOR!! My character now gets aroused with painal, and smacking other peoples asses.

+++

" You chat with Sydney. "No one else has made such an effort to get to know me like this. Not in a long time, at least. I appreciate it." He holds up his holy pendant, kisses it, and places it against your forehead. "Blessings." | - Trauma" UWAAAHHHHH uwahhahanannannmmamammhpmmmhmmmmmmmwuaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh I WOULD DIE FOR SYDNEY ;A; Like the cross thing is... a tiny bit uncomfy, but its known he is such a sweetheart and no one wants to talk to him??? uwahhhhh poor boooyyy..... (I've had some bad run ins with various religious students who were super religious so when I say this crucifix use is a nice one TRUST me its so sweet because I know what threating crucifix use is). SYDNEY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEET DARLING (platonic)

+++

HARPER PUT ME IN THE ASYULM?!?!?!?!?! HE KIDNAPPED ME! AM I IN A SOFTLOCK?! WHAT ABOUT BAILEY?! I HAVEN'T PAID HIM! HARPER KIDNAPPED ME?!?!?!?!?

I'M GOING TO LOOSE MY FUCKING MIND OAOAOBQGOAFACEQWRAGW

[madmaryholiday]

thought this weekend was done fucking with my head, but now my parents are demanding that i make an appointment with my PCP to talk about weight loss drugs in the morning.

now i'm gonna talk about self-harm and suicidal ideation and fatphobia and diet culture under this "read more," but i want to emphasize that i am safe and in no danger of hurting myself. i'm just documenting how all of this is making me feel.

they ambushed me at dinner, going on about how this was a serious health concern and how if i were to be injured or fall seriously ill, they wouldn't be able to take care of me in our house. how if something happened to them and i had to move in with my brother and his wife, i may not be able to get up and down their many stairs. how i'm gaining weight and it's putting too much strain on my body.

and i mean. they're not wrong? my weight is making it harder for me to get around, which then makes me more reluctant to move around, which leads to muscle wasting, which makes it harder to get around, etc. losing weight would make it easier for me to build up strength in my muscles and joints.

but the thought of deliberately trying to lose weight makes me want to hurt myself for the first time in a decade.

i have trauma about weight loss and dieting and all that shit. i am haunted by television shows about morbidly obese people dying in pursuit of weight loss, and people at their fucking funeral saying how inspiring they were for trying to be "healthier."

i'm afraid that the drugs will paralyze my digestive system and lead to the same life-altering difficulties faced by people to get weight loss surgery--which i specifically DON'T WANT TO HAPPEN. or that it will make it even harder for me to absorb nutrients in general, and i'll develop some godawful deficiency that nobody will notice because i'd be losing weight and that must be good, right???

and when you do lose weight, the first thing to go is your muscle. I DON'T HAVE ANY MUSCLE TO SPARE. i am so afraid that i would get even weaker if i went on these drugs, and my doctors would use it as justification for putting me on even more of them.

"your neurologist thinks you should do it."

well my neurologist is a fucking NEUROLOGIST.

i'm just. i haven't felt this visceral revulsion in years.

how do i tell my parents that dieting as a preteen traumatized me so badly that i would rather die than put my body through extreme weight loss programs?

and of course i'm a stress-eater, so having this blow up tonight just makes me want to stuff my face with chocolate.

and simultaneously makes me want to not eat for a couple days.

but i have work tomorrow, so i have to eat enough to take my meds and to not collapse at my photo booth. if they had done this to me on friday, i probably just wouldn't have eaten any more than i needed to take my meds for the weekend.

(it's also not just a diet 20+ years ago that did this, but that was the Inciting Incident. it made me hyper-aware of diet culture and the pressures to maintain a "healthy" weight. i internalized all that shit, at it ate away at me for YEARS. and this is the result.)

god fucking dammit.

i'm also scared that doing physical therapy before work would deplete my energy too much, but i'd rather get that ball rolling than call my PCP about weight loss drugs. it's what i WANT to do anyway--build up strength in my joints and core muscles so that i can stand to move around more, which in theory should make it easier to maintain my current weight or even lose some weight. like i said, i'm just afraid that they'll push me too hard and i won't be able to advocate myself during the appointments. but if my parents demand that i do something tomorrow, it's the least awful option.

(there's also this terrible part of me that wants to tell my parents that i'm not being obstinate, i'm just traumatized from dieting at a young age. but that would make them feel guilty, and i don't WANT them to feel guilty. i know it's not their fault! but this has brought up so many awful feelings that i still kind of want them to feel bad about kicking this hornet's nest, you know?)

i hate this. and i don't know what to do.

[frostbite-the-bat]

Also ghhruugh I'm wasting so much time but theres like no shit to do in terms of this in winter but I'm feelie bad bc next month I already got scheduled shit and it's to help me but i still feel bad since my brother did tell me the employment department ain't gonna do shit for me but it's very fucking hard having no directions for anything and being trapped in this house unable to do anything for myself essentially and being too lazy to even look up basic shit for this because Uwhhrm Irt Too Distress FO Me.... Like it's dumb ughfhgh I hate this house but my plan is to take things slowly and at least improve my living conditions slightly like when my brother helped me a bit

I can't wait for my parents to go back to work not in a mean way but just so I have fucking privacy and proper time alone again. I can run around the house with no worries or set backs. I'm currently refusing to go brush my teeth despite the sensory nightmare because I don't wanna be seen walking out of my room by dad

I want alone time so I can clean my room without questions and without anyone barging in. I hope I'll have enough energy for that I really did condition myself to have even less energy daily on top of The Ouchies it's not good but... Hey best I can do when I can't even do. Shit for myself. Expected to start doin adult stuff but still treated as a kid. Both good and bad because I don't wanna be an adult but also I'm expected to do stuff and I'm still not being taught everything and just, in my parents own words, told I'm "not hard/difficult, doesn't want anything" bc I've been conditioned to never ask but okay

I don't even go fucking take baths without asking because the clothes are thrown around so confusingly I can never find my own clothes so I need to get mom to do it. and I'm expected to maybe find a job or decide if I wanna go to a different school after summer. I don't even have a card or anything

19 is still very young but I feel the pressure from my brother so badly and the world in general plus I'm so trapped here I can't do shit it's not good for me but I can't just leave or do things myself I haven't been taught anything I don't know how to live at all i don't know basics I've never been taught I've been so neglected in this because "Uhm I Don't Ask For Stuff ^^" ffffuckin hell.

can't even see doctors for physical shit I'd have to sneak out and know how getting an appointment works. and I know nobody would believe me even if my goal is to figure out what's wrong with me. My mom's reaction to me saying heeeeeey I have like daily pains in my hands that go from like don't notice to debilitating I can't do anything( and I had this sincei had covid. Which YOU didn't get me vaccinated for bc of YOUR beliefs. Then LIED about it. And one of the symptoms of long covid is chronic pain so... I DINNO..! CARPAL TUNNEL AND GENERAL BODY OUCHIES STARTING UP AROUND THE SAME TIME.. I DINNO. I dunno oh I GUESS it's ALL ONLY BECAUSE ii draw all day oh boohoo.)i got LAIGHED AT and told she has Ouchies Too and works anyway. Great OK no checking doctors or anything for me imma go cry now thanks

Ugh I'm not even like. In a mentally bad place right now in general like I am usually when I wrote these. I'm motivated to get started with stuff but MY PARENTS ARE A MASSIVE ROADBLOCK FOR EVERYTHING I CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO BE ALONE IN THE HOUSE AGAIN. Sigh and again I hope by then I'll have the energy and motivation to do shit I feel nothing but lazy and like I'm rotting away it's so stressful wanting to do smthn and being unable bc it's to hard to even purh thru and because or things like family. It's all mostly a mental block but living like this with no privacy with people who haven't taught you shit one of which you fear is not good for you man. I know I repeat myself with the same statements burt

I'm tired I'm so tired I'm so tired oh my god please I'm tired of living like this it's only making me worse and because of that I need to try but it's so hard on so many fucking levels and I never try hard enough and I feel like absolute worthless shit for it

[ettucamus]

having lots of Gender feelings today. i’ve been on T for a while and just had my top surgery and i am genuinely the most comfortable i have ever felt in my body in my entire life, and more importantly, the most *healthy*. for the second reason, it actually really upsets me when people discuss medical transition as an “unnatural” thing “society pushes” upon people and not a legitimate medical treatment. i’m not going to pretend i understand why and where my dysphoria comes from but i have been acutely aware of it before i had even heard the word lesbian or butch. i have wanted to pursue top surgery and HRT for exactly a decade, as of this year. and i know for a fact all medical transition i have pursued has tangibly improved my health in multiple ways.

i was so dysphoric to the point i was agoraphobic, it was agonizing to leave my house without binding and i would come home crying because of all of the homophobic things i’d hear for being perceived as a cis butch and how uncomfortable it was to be seen as a cis woman by the greater cishet society. i also have a blood disorder, in which having menstrual cycles exacerbates clinical anemia and basically leaves me bedridden for the entirely of the cycle. T? completely fixed that. my small, sickly blood cells actually got larger and increased in count to the point where i am no longer clinically anaemic, i have a ton of energy to do the things i love, and am not relying on financial assistance to pay rent or buy food because i’m so sick.

also, i can just go about my business and people largely leave me alone because i pass as male. sure, i could spend years of my life trying to make sense of why i have these feelings and why my general existence being perceived as a Cis Woman used to feel so painful, but to be honest it feels a bit ridiculous because i know myself and my identity fairly well now. i feel great identifying as a butch knowing i can be as muscular, hairy, deep voiced as i want to and i can have a femme lover who still sees the softness, still sees my butchness and lesbianism, and doesn’t think i’m a man. and the people who think that i’m “too manly” are really just parroting the same butchphobic and misogynistic bullshit that has been circulating for forever. i don’t necessarily identify as a WomanTM but if i did, there’s absolutely no reason why a woman can’t enjoy being hairy, muscular, flat chested and deep voiced. so what if you weren’t born with it? i wasn’t born with my tattoos or piercings either but i’m still happy i have/had them.

honestly, i love being a passing butch in the 21st century. i love being able to stomp all over men, be a dominant and masculine person, and to not be ridiculed or isolated or fired for it. maybe it’s the easy way out but honestly, i’ve had such a fucking difficult life in so many ways that i feel like i am allowed to not want to experience daily discrimination and hate crimes. i love the fact i can come home to a femme who sees me and loves my butchness and understands how *hard* and how much *work* it is to exist as butch no matter if you decide to medically transition or not. either way, there are going to be people who don’t understand my identity and don’t understand who i am, but (if i had one) my femme sees her butch, other lesbians and queer people mostly still recognize that this person isn’t a man, and that’s more than enough for me. at the end of the day, being a passing butch means i’m not looking for cis/heterosexual approval in my transition, but looking after my physical health and safety in a world that still absolutely wants to kill and hurt people like me.

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

hey there again!!!

might i slide in this fine ask box with another HC request?

if yes, then could you please write some HCs where uf and ht sanses and papyruses (seperate of course) s/o gets put in a hospital for a lil bit? you can decide what happened to s/o. maybe a bad heatstroke cuz its summer or something (totally not because its a bad heatwave where im living rn haha nope). idk, i just crave angst or hurt/comfort again from my fave skeletons.

if you're not up for this, its totally fine!!

thank you, have a chill day/night B)

- 🌌 anon whos sunburns arent stinging that much anymore B)

*Evil cackling* OH-HO-HO, yOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MONSTER YOU HAVE UNLEASHED…… I am an evil being who feeds off of angst and pain, and you’ve given me ample opportunity to make some of that sweet sweet angst >:-)))))))))

I tried to keep it ambiguous as to what you’re in for, mostly because I want you to be able to imagine heatstroke and me to be able to think “hahahah stab stab”! ^^

Also!!! The healthcare system in some other countries is fucking insane (like??? You guys have to pay to not die??????) so I’ll be going off of what I know about the healthcare system in Sweden where it’s free. (At least I’m 99% sure it’s free, except for like. Small things. For example, my antidepressants. I had to buy those myself when I was still on them.)

UF + HT BROS WHEN S/O IS IN THE HOSPITAL

Red (Underfell Sans):

He’s panicking so so bad, he’s terrified. What if you die?

Curses out anybody who tries to keep him from you, including the poor nurse who’s just doing their job

Actually he just. curses in general. He’s just spewing cuss words to seem angry instead of scared because That’s Definitely Better

Most likely out of all four to physically lash out at… well, anybody (except you obviously) lol

Red hates hospitals too, to make matters worse. He doesn’t know why, but they make him feel uncomfortable.

If somebody did this to you purposely and he’s not allowed by your side, he’s going out to find the person and kick their ass during that time lol

If nobody did this to you, he’s pacing and cursing and jfc Red, you do realise there are other people here right enjdjdjdjsjsk

This fucker tries to pull a “pfff nah i was never worried” but like. Red. Darling. Light of my life. Stars in my sky. Center of my universe. Bitch of my heart. Everyone can see right through your “anger” and literally your shaking voice is so not convincing. Get a better poker face and voice.

With some prodding, admits that finehewasscaredyou’ddieandhethoughthisheartstoppedforasecondwhichisweird’causehedoes’tevenhaveaheartanywaysthat’sovernowsowhocares

(He’s not great at expressing himself but it’s still progress)

WILL be staying right by you as you recover. You’ve no choice. (You do actually, he respects you and will back off if you tell him to)

Edge (Underfell Papyrus):

Oh no. Oh no.

Edge is trying his very best not to show any emotions but he’s not good at it because like. It doesn’t take a genius to see that him screeching angrily at people and demanding for the doctors to fix this is actually him poorly masking his fear. Edge doesn’t have the best poker face lol

He’s so pissed if he can’t stay right next to you the whole time. You’re his S/O!! What kind of bullshit is this?!

If you do need to be left alone with doctors and such things, Edge will do one or two things depending on why you're in the hospital, how bad what you’re in for is and for how long he can’t see you.

If you’re here for something like heatstroke - AKA something not brought on by somebody else - he’ll call friends and such while pacing and somewhat frantically share your current condition.

However, if anybody did this to you; and you’re in bad shape… Well, even fucking Satan will cower at the brutality of Edge’s revenge.

When he’s allowed to be, he’s by your side and - depending on why you’re in and for what - he might nag you for being careless, reassure you it wasn’t your fault, reassure you in general, and/or just stay silent.

It’s barely noticeable, but just noticeable enough, that you can tell that he’s shaking.

All it takes is a “are you okay?” For him to break and confess how scared he was.

For a moment he was back Underground and it was horrible and he felt so powerless and he hates that. He’s so, so happy you’re okay and he- he swears he’ll be with you on your way to recovery. Please just never get hurt again.

Dusk (Horrortale Sans):

If you thought Red and Edge were scared, just know it’s nothing compared to the absolute terror he feels.

Dusk knows how fragile the human body can  be. He’s seen horrific things happen to humans and monsters alike and he’s always hyper-aware of just how easy it’d be to kill and/or hurt you.

Logically, he knows you won’t die, he knows human anatomy well enough to know this is something you’ll bounce back from, but his instincts are going haywire and all he can think of are the mangled corpses back Underground. It doesn’t matter whether your condition has anything to do with broken limbs or not, because those pictures are what his mind is forcing onto him.

He refuses to leave your side. If he’s forced away from you by nurses/doctors/staff, he’ll protest but if he really can’t be by you for your safety, he’ll be anxiously hovering as close by as he possibly can. Whenever he’s allowed to touch you, he’s practically glued onto you.

If he’s sure it’s just the two of you, and you’re unconscious, he’ll probably cry.

He… He hates being reminded of your mortality. He hates the idea that any day could be your last. He doesn’t know what he’d do if you were gone.

(He’d dust, probably.)

If somebody else got your purposely hurt, he’s going to hunt them down after a while (after you’ve recovered enough for him to be comfortable leaving you alone for a bit). He’s not going to kill them, but he might rough them up a bit -- but most likely, he’ll just intimidate them and/or threaten them. (It’d be a different story if you were murdered.)

Whenever you’re conscious, he’ll do pretty much anything you say, so long as it won’t get you anymore hurt or risk stunting your recovery.

When you’re released from the hospital, he’ll be by your side nearly 24/7 because he hates the idea of you getting hurt again just because he wasn’t there to protect you.

Aster (Horrortale Papyrus):

Tries to look calm and composed, but he does about as poor of a job as his brother. He does better in that he doesn’t act out or get in the way of the nurses, but he’s also crying and shaking and sobbing and can’t stop.

You getting injured triggers him pretty badly. If you’re not bleeding, it’ll probably be “only” a bad anxiety attack, but if there’s any blood involved it’s escalating into a full-blown panic attack.

He’s a nurse himself, but I doubt he’d be allowed to work with the other nurses when it comes to you because of how unsteady he is. He’s not sure whether he’s thankful for it or not, because he doesn’t trust himself to do a good job but he also wants to be there for you. He trusts his colleagues, but it’s still nerve-wracking.

Just like the others, he’s glued to your side when he’s allowed to be. Very metaphorically. He’s the best of them all at giving you space, partially because he’s just more respectful lol and partially because he’s a nurse so he knows not to smother you with physical affection until you’re in the clear.

If somebody caused you to go into this state, he will just like Dusk go and find them. He won’t do anything physical, but he does intimidate the person very effectively. He’s a terrifying giant and he knows how to use that to his advantage.

When you’re fine again, he’ll be acting anxious and protective for a while. He feels really guilty about it (because he should be comforting you - plus, he’s a nurse! He’s seen way worse things on his job) but you’ll have to give him comfort. This whole thing didn’t inspire much positive feelings in him and it stressed him out a lot, it may honestly take more of a toll on him than it does you.

[piratesfromspace]

You Again (Frank Castle/Reader)

Frank Castle (the Punisher) x Reader

Word count: 1.5k TW: light description of wound and bruises, implied rape attempt, mention of alcohol, canon-typical violence, reader has ✨issues✨

Female pronouns for reader

Note: Some hurt/comfort with Frank Castle. For unknown reasons, reader can’t go see a normal doctor. This story was inspired by an unpublished fanfic written by a dear friend of mine, in which Frank already helps reader.

MASTERLIST

“You. Again.”

You never had been so happy to hear his gruff voice. 

“And you’re a fuckin’ mess.” Frank added, tone flat.

“You should see the other guy.” you croaked, trying as best as you could to smile despite the cut on your lower lip.

You were, indeed, a mess. 

Battered and bloody, you were sitting - or more accurately slouching - on the dirty floor, in front of one of Castle’s hideouts door, on a random Tuesday night. Your right hand was badly hiding the knife’s wound on your stomach, the gash in your blood-soaked T-shirt obvious behind your feeble fingers. Angry bruises were already blooming around your wrist, adding yet another painful layer to your miserable appearance. 

“Fuck.” He let the word slip between gritted teeth while scanning your body. You were not in great shape. 

“Fine, come here, don’t bleed out on my front porch.” 

There was a moment of awkward silence, while you tried to put yourself on your feet, before admitting you were too weak to accomplish the simple task.

“I-I can’t... stand up.” 

Frank closed his eyes for a second, exhaling through his nose, just like he would do to try and calm himself to avoid scolding a child. He eventually crouched beside you, slipping an arm under the crook of your knees, and the other behind your shoulders, gathering you in his arms and lifting you effortlessly like you weighed nothing. 

The door closed behind him thanks to a powerful kick of his foot, and you finally allowed yourself to relax a little, feeling safe for the first time in days. 

The dingy flat was nowhere near the level of comfort you would wish for yourself, but he was here, in this room, breathing and alive and focusing on you, and that was all that mattered at this moment. 

---

“I’m the first choice when it comes to patching you up I guess.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself, I wouldn’t have come if I had any other option.”

Frank was trying his best to stitch the wound on your stomach without hurting you too much, but the lack of anesthesia was making it difficult. The witty banter was one way of distracting you, and you were grateful for it.

“Done.” 

The needle clattered on the plate he had put on the floor next to the mattress you were lying on. You let out the breath you were holding, pain slowly radiating through your whole body, making his lazy way from the cut on your belly to the rest of your limbs, awakening in its path the dozens of bruises littering your skin. Your vision got blurry for a moment, ears ringing.

“Hey, stay with me.” his hand was on the side of your face, cradling your cheek while avoiding to touch the cuts on your lips. His warm and callused fingertips against your cheek gently brought you back to reality. 

You could feel his gaze on your face, cataloguing every cut and scratch, and you did not miss the way his eyes just narrowed for a second when they fell on your neck, his fingers hovering above the bruises there. 

“Are you hurt elsewhere?”

“No.” you knew the moment the word escaped your mouth that you had answered way too fast and way too loud for you to be believable.

“You’re so bad at lying it hurts to see you try, you know?”

“I’m f-fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Since you’re the one bleeding on MY mattress, I would argue that it’s also my business now.” 

Your defense was pathetic and he was so patient with you, you wondered why you had to be such a defensive jerk sometimes. You slouched a little more, you wanted to disappear into his mattress. 

“Truth is… I-I don’t really know.” 

“Let me take a look.” It was not a question, but he waited nonetheless for you to nod your approval before helping you shimmy out of your torned jeans. You winced, the movement cruelly reminding you of the freshly stitched wound on your abs. 

“Do I need to kill someone?” was his only reaction when the galaxy of black and purple bruises on your thighs appeared from under your pants. 

“He’s already dead.” 

He knew you were not lying this time, the proudness in your soft voice too earnest to be faked. 

“What happened?” he asked, voice so low and caring, like he was talking to a wounded animal.

“You know what happened.” you answered sternly.

Frank wasn’t dumb and it would only take half a brain to do the maths and understand the situation given the bruises on your neck, wrists and thighs, and the broken zipper of your jeans.

“Do you need medication? Something for...” he seemed lost all of a sudden.

“No, Frank, I killed him before anything happened. That was the plan.”

“The plan? You planned on being attacked and… “ he froze, his mind working to make sense of your words. He quickly understood, his expression suddenly changing. If he was looking sorry a few seconds ago, now he was angry.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been up with this vigilante bullshit again?” 

“That’s rich coming from you.” you scoffed.

“You’re not a 6-foot-tall trained marine.”

“That’s the point, I can easily lure those guys, unlike you.” You cut him off.

“You should have told me first.”

“What? I don’t need your permission.”

“You need my protection.” he was starting to lose his patience.

“I can take care of myself.”

“Says the girl bleeding on my doorstep.” he snorted.

The bastard got a point.

“At least I’m trying to be useful.” you retorted, in a low blow, a foolish attempt to not lose too quickly.

“You won’t be useful when you’re dead.”

“Right now I wish I was.” you grumbled, running out of replies.

“Don’t you ever say that again.”

“Fuck you Frank. Fuck you.” 

He was tiring. You should have known you had zero chance of winning this argument from the get go. You couldn’t even go and dramatically slam the door on your way out. Your shaking legs would barely carry you up. Ok, maybe, just maybe, he was right. Maybe it was a bad idea, and your injured body was just the proof of his implacable logic.

Frank rose on his feet slowly, a hand rubbing on the back on his head - he always did that when he was stressed and thinking too much. 

“Stay here until you’re somewhat healed.” his eyes were avoiding yours, his voice too soft whereas you wished he would be mad, because he would be way easier to fight him this way. “Please.”

It’s not like you were physically able to go anywhere else, and truth be told it’s not like you wanted to go anywhere else. The hurt in his voice made your heart clench. You had been unfair, just like usual. A stupid defense mechanism.

You thought about the last time he had to patch you up. A mean fever. Found you unconscious in a dark alley. Frank had taken good care of you, slowly bathed you in cold water to lower the fever, before tucking you against him under a blanket and nursing you back to life the following days. He had even kissed you that first night, and the next morning, when you felt better, he had pressed his body against yours and made you feel even better, this time with different means than some cold water. The memory of his kindness contrasting with your current ungratefulness had you on the verge of tears. 

You were mad at yourself. 

“I’m-I’m sorry.” you offered after what seemed like an eternity. 

”And… thank you.” you added, trying your best to not burst out crying right there. 

Castle said nothing, he just left for the kitchen and came back with a glass of water, before squatting next to you and handing you the precious liquid. You gulped the whole shot down, you had not realized before how parched you were. 

“You lost some blood, that’s why you’re dehydrated.” he explained matter of factly, voice devoid of hurt or anger, like your little scene had not existed. And that’s why I’m saying nonsense, you thought to yourself.

“I’ll bring you some more.” 

Before he could rise up again, you reached out to touch his face. The sudden movement sent sparks of pain through your guts but you did not flinch. His eyes bore into yours and you closed the distance between you. The kiss was soft then fierce, it felt like finally letting go of something that was burning you from the inside, your injury forgotten the second his lips touched yours. The taste of blood in your mouth was soon replaced by the taste of him and the lingering notes of the whiskey he surely drank before you arrived. 

Castle fell slowly on his knees, carefully hugging you, breaking the kiss only to bury his face in the crook of your neck and whisper inaudible praises between two “silly girl”. 

You closed your eyes. It felt like finally being home. Finally being safe.

[harbouredsoulss]

Exit Wound

Authors Note: I need to preface this by saying I am not a medical professional. Have I watched Grey’s Anatomy? Yes. That is where my medical knowledge comes from, which says a lot 😂 Also I was ready to scrap this because ~ anxiety loves telling us we shit at things ~ but I decided against it. I had already written too much to just scrap it!

I really enjoyed writing this, though I did NOT love putting my EZ boy through that but he’s pretty tough so... Here is to my first EZ fic!

Also, quick side note, there is going to be a part two to this! This part was setting it all up for some EZ fluff! Keep an eye out for part 2! If you’d like to be added to my Tag List for any EZ, Mayan or all of my fics just let me know 🥰

I really hope you enjoy this! Please don’t forget to like, comment, & reblog. I would really appreciate it 💞

Part 2 available here !

Masterlist

Ez Reyes x [OC] Amalia 

Word Count: 1.4k 

Warnings: Injured EZ! Mentions of blood. Swearing. 

Summary:  EZ brought a knife to a gun fight. Now Amalia is stuck having to use her nursing skills to save her boyfriends life.

________________________

There are some things that should just never be seen, and this, standing here in the living room, watching the love of your life bleeding out on your couch, was one of them. Amalia knew she had to remain calm, she was the only one who could keep him alive. That and the many pieces of gauze pressed against his stomach. It didn’t stop the pounding of her heart, loud in her ears as she took in her lover before her. His body pale, and clammy. 

All her years of medical training hit her hard and fast. It made her assess the situation clearly and calmly. Though it wouldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts that arrived. Reminding her of how poorly this could end, of whose life was at stake if this all went badly. 

Gilly had pieces of gauze pressed against the wound, keeping steady pressure. Angel was rustling through her linen cupboard, pulling out all the towels Amalia and EZ owned. Coco trailed behind her as she made her way into her closet to grab a first-aid kit. 

“Did you see an exit wound?” She asked looking up at him as she went through the kit making sure everything she needed was there.

Adrenaline coursed through her body as she heard EZ in the living room continuing to moan as Gilly kept pressure on the wound. She tried to think of everything they had in the house at hand that could help, comparing that with what they had already grabbed. Coco looked at her, uncertainty on his face as he took in her question. 

“I didn’t look. Fuck. My bad. We were just trying to get out of there.” 

She gripped the med-kit and stormed passed Coco trying to remain level-headed. She knew it wasn’t his fault. It was no one’s fault. They were all just trying to get out of there alive. The last thing on their mind would have been to assess his wounds. They weren’t doctors. 

Neither are you, you’re just a nurse, she thought bitterly, you can’t do this. He’ll die.

Amalia stopped before the couch, before he could see she had come back into the living room. He was in so much pain, would he even notice? Every second counted but she couldn’t move. Could I really do this? She asked herself. 

Gilly looked up at her, noticing the first-aid kit in her hand. 

Tilting his head towards the kit he asked, “That everything you’ll need?”

I can do this. They believe I can do this. I have to.

“It should be, so long as the bullet and any fragments aren’t stuck inside.”

Angel was back dumping the linen he found on the coffee table beside the couch. He was frantic trying to arrange everything. Placing the med-kit on top she turned towards EZ and took his pulse. It was weak. 

“We need to hurry,” turning back to Angel she begun to give orders, “I need you to lift the top half of his body. I need to make sure there’s an exit wound.”

Angel didn’t even blink, he went towards his injured brother and did as she requested. A wail of pain escaped EZ as he was moved. She tried to keep the cringe from her face as she heard his agony. Leaning forward she did her best to be quick when trying to get a good look at it. It had gone straight through. 

Relief pooled through her body. She could have cried.

“Great, perfect! Okay Angel you can put him down now, slowly, please.”

Gilly’s hands were still on the wound, the gauze oozing red. Quickly she grabbed more, moving his hands she pressed them on top. 

“Coco, I need you to go to the kitchen. There should be a big bottle of hand sanitiser there. The medical grade kind. I need to sterilize my hands.”

She turned back to face EZ whose eyes were half closed, struggling to stay awake. She needed him to stay awake. She needed him to live.

“Angel, get some vodka, whiskey – anything. He needs something for the pain. We don’t have time for any drugs to kick in.”

EZ tried to respond, his voice a mere whisper no one could make out. Angel didn’t wait to hear what he had to say; he had disappeared. Reappearing at the same time as Coco. 

“Yo what’s with all the disinfectant? I couldn’t tell which one you needed so I grabbed a few.”

She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. Thanking him, she took one of the bottles and began pouring it all over her hands.  

“The stitches probably won’t stay. The wound is too deep. Staples would probably be better. Why didn’t you take him to the hospital?” She groaned, fear settling in the pit of her stomach as she took in the materials, she would be using to seal his wound. 

“You know why,” she looked up, alarmed to hear EZ speaking so clearly, albeit he still sounded out-of-sorts, “you’ve got this baby.”

“Okay.” She whispered, gripping his hand, smiling at him weakly.

Suturing his injuries took time. In the beginning, when she weaved the first bit of material through his flesh, every wince or groan that left his mouth always made her look up in fear. But after a while she trained herself to stop. She knew if she wanted to keep him alive, she needed to work quickly. Angel and Coco kept him stable. Every attempt he made to move was thwarted by his brothers keeping him in position, not that his attempts were intentional. Gilly stood nearby offering his assistance when it came to removing the blood-soaked towels and gauze. She was grateful for his help.

When she was done EZ was asleep breathing slowly and softly. He had passed out towards the end when the final sutures were put into place. There was blood everywhere, on her arms, hands. Amalia was soaked in it. 

Gilly took the needle from her hands and placed it on the table beside her. He smiled at her weakly, offering words of praise at her successful attempt at keeping her lover alive. Angel stepped away from his brother and made his way towards her, hand reaching out to grip her shoulder, squeezing gently. 

“You did good hermana. He’ll be okay.” 

“He’ll be okay,” she repeated, “He’ll be okay.” 

She repeated those words in her mind over and over again, willing herself to keep the tears at bay as exhaustion beat down on her.

 ________________________

It was two hours later when Coco and Gilly left, leaving Amalia with Angel, and EZ who was still passed out on the couch. She had showered and cleaned up as much as she could. She was now kneeled beside EZ, a wash clothing hand and a bucket beside her to clean up the blood caked on his skin. 

“You should get some sleep,” Angel whispered, coming up beside her “I can watch him for a bit.”

“I don’t think I can sleep.”

Amalia looked up at him and tilted her head towards the kitchen, indicating she wanted to talk. The house was quiet now, the sounds of EZ’s voice shrouded with pain gone. Though they still haunted her thoughts. She made her way to the kitchen, leaning against the sink where blood-soaked rags and gauze were dumped in a pile. 

“He’s going to need more pain meds, and antibiotics to avoid infection. I should head to the hospital. See if I can get a script.” She said, voice wavering slightly. The adrenaline was slowly escaping her body leaving her shaky. 

“You could lose your job for that.”

“I don’t have much of a choice Angel, I’m not going to let him be in pain or let him die from infection.”

Her eyes were trained on the blood that had soaked into the material used to stop EZ bleeding. There was so much blood. She looked away, fighting the riot in her stomach. She turned towards Angel who was looking at her nervously. He was worried about her.

“The club has a guy for this stuff. Normally when we’re injured, we go to him but we had no time, EZ would have bled out in the van had we tried to get him there. I can get Coco and Gilly to go out and get some drugs. Ez wouldn’t want you to jeopardise you job.”

She nodded her head. She trusted Angel, the club, their judgement. Sighing, she rubbed her hands against her face, begging the stress to leave her body as she massaged her temples. 

“Okay… I just need him to not die Angel. He’s the love of my life.”

Tag List: @appropriate-writers-name​

Part Two is here

[knuffled]

Just Practice - Chapter 18

it’s finally over. here’s the last chapter. important notes at the end for those that are interested. thank you all so much for your support. it’s been a wild ride, and i’m glad i got to see it through to the end. 

ao3 link

It was perhaps the first time that Annabeth had ever felt nervous standing in front of the Jackson residence. She shifted uneasily on her heels and wiped her palms on her jeans before knocking on the front door. Usually, she felt more at home here than anywhere else in the world, but she felt entitled to a little anxiety given the circumstances. Not long after, Sally opened the front door and showed her inside with a smile.

“Hi, honey. It’s been a while, huh?” Sally said.

Annabeth nodded and offered her a small smile. “Yeah. It has. Things have been pretty hectic lately.”

“Percy told me you were in the hospital for a while. Are you alright?” Sally said, closing the door behind her.

“Yeah, I just injured my leg at a meet,” Annabeth said.

“Oh no, what happened?” Sally asked, furrowing her brow.

“I, um, tore my ACL,” Annabeth mumbled. “It’s still recovering, but I can walk on my own now. It’ll be a while before I can start running again, though.”

“I am so sorry to hear that. I would have visited, but I’ve been out all month doing more of those goddamned book tours,” Sally huffed.

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Annabeth said. “I appreciate the thought though.”

There was a pause and Annabeth looked around the living room without meaning to. Sally gave her a smile and said, “If you’re looking for Percy, he’s upstairs in his room.”

Annabeth flushed and nodded. “Thanks. I’m gonna head on up then.”

“I’ll be taking Estelle out shopping, and Paul won’t be home until later today,” Sally informed her.

Annabeth blinked, somewhat confused. “Oh, alright. I’ll see you later then.”

“You should have plenty of time to yourselves,” Sally said, giving her a knowing look. “I’m guessing that you’ll need it judging by the sorry state that my son has been in the past few weeks.”

Annabeth’s face turned even redder and she nodded and made her way up to Percy’s room. She paused in front of his bedroom door and screwed her eyes and took a deep breath. Annabeth heard him in the shower, which diffused her nervousness before she stepped inside his room.

Percy’s bedroom hadn’t changed much, if at all, over the years. The room was sparsely decorated - almost nothing adorned the cream colored walls. There was still a full sized bed nestled against one corner of the room, draped with a fluffy blanket he hadn’t bothered to fold. Blue curtains framed a window overlooking the willow tree in his backyard, the one they used to climb when they were kids. On the other end of the room was an office chair, piled high with messy clothes, sitting in front of a well worn cherrywood desk. The desk was littered with stray homework papers, half-empty energy drinks, and a bobble head of some athlete Annabeth didn’t recognize.

Annabeth wandered over and looked at the four photos he had taped to the wall above the desk. One of them was with his mother at the beach in Montauk from back when he was a freshman. Another was one of the entire family at an amusement park. There was one with him and all of their friends sitting in front of a bonfire at Piper’s birthday party that past summer. And the final one was one of him with her, his hand thrown carelessly around her shoulder as she leaned into the crook of his neck, a contented smile on her face. The soft look on his face, like she had just hung the moon for him, brought a lump to her throat.

“Annabeth?”

Annabeth jumped back and turned to see Percy standing in the doorway, towel drying his hair. He was wearing an old swim team shirt from middle school and his penguin pajamas. The familiar scent of his body wash clung to his skin, unmasked by the cologne he usually wore. There was a careful expression on his face, like she had caught him unawares.

“H-Hey,” Annabeth said breathlessly.

“I, uh, wasn’t expecting you for another hour,” Percy said cautiously.

“Sorry,” Annabeth said, rocking on her heels. “Should I leave?”

“No, it’s fine,” Percy said quickly. “Why don’t you sit down?”

Annabeth nodded and sat on his bed. Percy rushed over to gather the clothes that had piled on top of the chair and hurriedly stuffed them in his closet. He hung the towel from his open window sill to dry and sat across from her in the office chair.

There was an uncharacteristically nervous look on his face, but it actually comforted Annabeth. She would have felt awkward if she was the only one feeling apprehensive.

“I, um, didn’t see you at school this week,” Annabeth said.

Percy rubbed the back of his neck. “Needed some time off. I haven’t been feeling very good.”

Guilt bubbled in the pit of Annabeth’s stomach. She knew that was her fault, but that he was too nice to tell her that.

She cleared her throat and said, “Sorry to hear that. Are you doing better now?”

Percy breathed a laugh and shrugged. “More or less.”

There was an awkward pause before Percy gestured to her leg. “How’s your knee?”

Annabeth glanced down at it and quickly looked back at him. “Oh, um, it’s fine. I had surgery done a few weeks back and it went well. I’ve started doing physical therapy now, but it’ll still be a while before I can start running again.”

“But you should make a full recovery, right?” Percy asked tentatively.

Annabeth nodded and stared down at her lap, playing with her fingers. “Yeah, the doctors said there shouldn’t be any issues since it was only a partial tear, but we won’t know for sure until I finish therapy.”

“That sounds like good news,” Percy said carefully.

Annabeth mustered a smile and said, “Yeah. About as good as I could hope for anyways.”

There was another brief pause and then Annabeth said, “I, um, also talked to the coach at Berkeley and told him about my injury.”

Percy’s leg bounced up and down. “And what did he say?”

“Well, he wasn’t happy about it,” Annabeth began. “But they’re not rescinding my scholarship.”

Percy made to move out of his seat and give her a hug, a grin splitting across his face, before he thought better of it and sat back down. A crushing sensation formed in the hollow of her chest as his grin waned into a sheepish smile.

“That’s wonderful, Annabeth,” Percy said softly. “I’m sure that’s a huge relief-”

“I’m sorry for how I acted at the hospital,” Annabeth blurted.

The smile slid off Percy’s face, but Annabeth powered through anyways. “You were only trying to help, and I lashed out at you for no good reason. That was awful of me, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for that.”

Percy nodded in a clipped manner and said, “Apology accepted.”

Annabeth was surprised that Percy hadn’t tried to downplay the whole thing by saying it wasn’t a big deal. A lump formed in her throat - her words must have cut deeper than she realized.

“It really hurt, hearing all that, but you had every right to say it,” Percy continued.

Annabeth shook her head and said, “No, I- I was just being cruel.”

He offered her a strained smile and shrugged helplessly. “You were still right though. About all of it. There’s no excuse for me not telling you about Kara, for hiding so much from you.”

Annabeth pursed her lips and resisted the urge to argue with him.

Percy hunched forward in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair violently. “I’ve been thinking about it non-stop, trying to figure out why I did that, but I still don’t really get it. I want to tell you, so badly, but there’s a part of me that just can’t. It’s really fucking frustrating and confusing.”

He paused and exhaled forcefully. “Honestly, the only thing it’s made me realize is how fucked up I am.”

The pain and bitterness in his voice tore up Annabeth inside. “That’s not true.”

“It is,” Percy said, shaking his head insistently. “I wish I could just show you somehow. Make you understand-”

“Percy, good person,” she stressed. “Maybe you can’t see it, but I can-”

“Well, you don’t actually know me,” Percy snapped.

Annabeth must have looked as devastated as she felt because Percy’s eyes immediately swelled with guilt and repentance.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” he said quietly.

“No, you’re right,” Annabeth admitted shakily. “I don’t really know you. I thought I did, but I was wrong.”

“That’s not your fault,” Percy insisted. “I’m just- it’s fucking impossible for me to ever let anyone actually see me.”

Then who have I been seeing this entire time?

The thought hung heavily in her mind but she forced herself to ignore it. Still, she found it hard not to let despair swallow her whole. She couldn’t help thinking about how Reyna had said that at a certain point, you had to accept that there was really nothing that you could do. She was clearly out of her depth here. Honestly, she stood a snowball’s chance in hell of actually saying something helpful.

She sat there in silence and watched the conflicted look on Percy’s face. His lips were pressed in a thin line and his eyes shone with focused intensity, like he was at a swim meet. If this was only going to cause him so much pain, she never should have told him she wanted to talk. At the same time, she couldn’t help feeling like she needed to do something for him. Whatever he was holding inside was clearly eating at him. She couldn’t just leave it alone and act like it wasn’t her problem. Percy never would have done so if their roles were reversed.

Percy surprised her by punching his leg in frustration and releasing a shuddering exhale before he looked at her and spoke.

“No- No matter what, I can’t help thinking this all points back to Gabe.”

Annabeth furrowed her brow. “Your step-father?”

Percy nodded and said, “I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. It’s weird, but he’s wrapped up in all this. I just know it.”

Annabeth dug her fingernails into her palms. Percy never talked about Gabe, but Annabeth had more than an inkling of what he did - how some days Percy came to school with a sullen look, wincing when he sat down, and gingerly probed parts of his body when he thought nobody was watching; days when he hardly smiled or even said a word to her and she would wordlessly slide him her homework at lunch to copy.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Annabeth said.

Despite what Piper said about needing to press Percy, Annabeth knew there were some wounds that were better left untouched.

Percy balled his hands into fists and shook his head. “No, I have to. Otherwise, I’ll lose you for good.”

Annabeth’s heart squeezed in her chest, so she took his hands in hers and said, “Look Percy, I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s fine if there are things you can’t talk about. You have nothing to prove to me. No matter what, you’re still my best friend, and you’re never going to lose me. Okay?”

“Really?” Percy asked quietly.

The way his voice sounded, raw and bleeding, made self-loathing fester in the pit of her stomach.

“Yes, really,” Annabeth said tersely. “I’m so sorry that I forced you into a corner like this. I was wrong about what I said at the hospital. I did something terrible to you.”

“Don’t say that, Annabeth,” Percy said tightly. “It’s not your fault. At all. You’ve been nothing but endlessly patient with me. I- I’m just not strong enough.”

Annabeth shook her head. “You’re the strongest person I know, but you don’t have to do this all on your own. There’s probably not a whole lot that I can do to help, but at least I can help share your burden and listen.”

Percy was quiet for a minute before he looked at her with a hard gaze. “Are you sure about this? It’s not a very fun story to listen to.”

“Yes,” Annabeth said immediately.

“If it ever gets to be too much, let me know,” Percy said sternly.

Annabeth took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Don’t worry about me. I’m here for you.”

Percy exhaled forcefully and nodded before staring down at his lap. A minute or two passed before he was ready to speak again, and Annabeth could see conflict and pain swirl in his eyes like whirlpools of emotion.

“He was nice at the start, you know?” Percy said quietly. “He wasn’t all that bad the first few months after they got married. Sometimes he’d get me some candy on his way home from work. Teach me how to throw a baseball. Normal stuff like that. But then, at some point, things changed. Still can’t figure out why. Like, was he just hiding how awful he was the entire time or did something change in him? Guess it doesn’t matter now.”

He paused for a moment and said, “The first time I remember him hitting her, I was eight years old. He was really tearing into me about getting in trouble at school, telling me how much of a fuck up I was, how I was a stupid kid who couldn’t do anything right, and mom defended me.”

“At some point, he got so pissed he chucked a plate at my head and barely missed. It shattered on the wall and gave me this,” Percy said, tugging down his shirt sleeve to reveal the crescent shaped scar on his shoulder.

Annabeth traced the scar with trembling fingers and tried to stomach the nausea and rage she felt brewing inside her.

“Mom went ballistic after that, but that just pissed him off,” Percy said slowly. “Gabe hit her so hard her head hit the wall and started bleeding. You can still see the dent downstairs in the living room. Then, he grabbed me by the hair and forced me to look at her, crumpled on the floor. I can still remember the stink of cheap cigarettes on his breath and him whispering in my ear, ‘This is all your fault, kid.’”

“Christ,” Annabeth whispered.

“Yeah, I know right,” Percy said, smiling wryly. “And that’s just one story - I have hundreds of them. Like, remember how I forgot my field trip form to the zoo in 5th grade?”

When Annabeth nodded, Percy said, “Well, they had to send me home because there weren’t any teachers at school that day. Mom was at work, so Gabe had to pick me up. He was super pissed that I made him miss his poker game, so he was bitching at me the entire ride home. At some point, I snapped and told him to fuck off. Next thing I know, he punches me in the stomach so hard that I puked all over the floor of his Camaro. Of course, that only made him even angrier, so he beat the shit out of me and made me clean up the mess.”

Annabeth tried to keep her voice steady. “Tell me you told somebody.”

Percy smiled humorlessly and said, “And who would I tell? My mom? The woman working three jobs, married to an abusive piece of shit that hits her, with a kid who only ever seems to fuck up at school and embarrass her? No, she had enough on her plate as it was. I couldn’t add more.”

“Then the teachers-”

“Annabeth, you remember how it was for me in school. The teachers hated me,” Percy said bitterly. “To them, I was just a trouble-maker. How could I turn to them? And besides, even if I did, what good would it do? Gabe would just deny it and take it out on me or mom later.”

Percy leaned back in his chair and sighed. “Eventually, I just got used to it. He was smart about it too. Always made sure my mom wasn’t around and that the wounds wouldn’t show anywhere someone might see. And over time, it just become something normal, and I got used to never telling someone about it.”

He paused for a moment and clutched at the fabric of his shirt, over his stomach. “Even telling you right now is like physically painful for me. Like my stomach is in knots and every cell in my body is telling me to run. A part of me keeps whispering, no matter how much I try and ignore it, that I’m not allowed to ask for help, that I- that I deserve this because it’s my fault.”

Annabeth took a sharp inhale and bit her quivering lower lip to keep from crying. She had always known Percy had had a troubled life, but she had never expected that it would be this horrific. He was the best person that she knew and he deserved so much more than this. It was profoundly unfair and tragic and wrong and she didn’t know how to fix it or if it was even possible to fix it.

“None of that was your fault, Percy,” Annabeth said tersely. “He was a sick, twisted piece of shit, and you shouldn’t believe a single word that came out of his mouth.”

“I’ve been telling myself that for the past five years, Annabeth, but there’s some part of me that doesn’t believe it,” Percy said softly. “That fucked up shit he did and said to me is still there, rattling around in my head, and I can’t make it stop.”

He balled his hands into fists. “He sort of beat into me that I was responsible for everything. It was always my fault because I was a bad kid or a fuck up. And he was kind of right too. Mom was having such a hard time back then and I never made things easier for her either, always getting into trouble at school. I tried to be a good kid. I really did. It just wasn’t ever good enough. I just kept letting people down and that hasn’t ever stopped.”

Before Annabeth could interject, he looked at her and said, “You asked me at the hospital why I never told you about Kara. The truth is that I hate myself for being so shitty to her. Like, I drove her into a corner and made her feel so insecure and alone that I forced her into cheating on me. I should’ve been a better boyfriend to her-”

“Percy, what Kara did was her own decision,” Annabeth interrupted. “Maybe you could have done a better job, but you can’t force someone to cheat on you. Kara even admitted that it was her fault and said she wanted to apologize to you for it.”

He stared at her for a few beats and a myriad of conflicted emotions flashed in his eyes before he shrugged noncommittally and turned away. Annabeth ground her teeth together and moved off the bed before she even realized what she was doing. She framed his face with her hands and forced him to look into her eyes.

“Listen to me, you are a good person,” Annabeth said tightly.

Percy averted his gaze. “I’m really not, Annabeth. I’m just trying to make up for the fact that I’m- well, me.”

“And I’m telling that it’s okay not to be perfect! Because that’s the standard you’re holding yourself to! We all hurt and let each other down, Percy. That’s fucking normal!” Annabeth fumed.

“What’s the fucking point if nothing ever changes?” Percy shouted, his voice cracking. “I try and try and try, and I still keep hurting the people I care about, and I’m just- I’m so fucking sick of it, Annabeth.”

“People hurt each other all the time, Percy, sometimes just by existing! You’re looking at a prime fucking example of that,” Annabeth shouted, jabbing a thumb at herself.

“Like, how many times have I hurt you through my own carelessness? And yeah, it breaks my heart sometimes knowing how awful I’ve been to you, but I’m trying to be better because you’re the most important person in the world to me and I don’t want to lose you. And I learned that from you! Because isn’t that what you’ve always done? Tried to be better?” she demanded.

At this, Percy was silent, and Annabeth sat back on the bed, sighing. “That’s what actually matters, Percy: the fact that you’ve never stopped trying. You don’t always have to nail yourself to the cross anytime you fail.”

There was a pause before Percy quietly said, “I- I don’t know how not to.”

“Well, it starts by acknowledging that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes,” Annabeth said, softening her voice. “Your mom once told me that you would rather put yourself in pain to ease someone else’s suffering, that you feel responsible for how others feel. Like, I know that Gabe was the one that taught you that, but that’s really fucking unhealthy. You need to see a professional therapist or counselor to help you process all the shit he put you through and teach you a better way to handle it.”

“And what if that doesn’t work? What if it’s too late to help me?” Percy asked.

“Then we’ll figure it out when the time comes,” Annabeth said, repeating what he had told her at the hospital.

“I’m not sure I’m worth all that effort,” Percy said tightly.

“Well, I’m your best friend and I think you’re the sweetest, kindest boy there ever was and that you’re worth the whole world,” Annabeth said.

She thought he would argue with her again, but she was surprised when Percy scrunched up his face and looked away from her, blinking back tears. He rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded with a sniffle. Her heart welled up inside her chest and she felt a sense of fond exasperation rush through her, making her smile to herself.

Oh, you dumb, stupid boy.

“Thank you,” Percy mumbled.

Annabeth shook her head, even though he couldn’t see her. “There’s nothing to thank me for.”

It was a while before he looked at her again, and when he did, he looked up at her shyly through his stupidly long eyelashes.

“D-Did you mean what you said in the hospital?” he whispered.

“Hmm?”

Percy’s face turned a gentle shade of vermilion. “Um, about being in love with me?”

Annabeth’s face turned serious. “Yes. I should have chosen a better time, but I meant it. One hundred percent.”

“Oh.”

She couldn’t help the way her lips curled upwards. “That’s all you have to say to me? ‘Oh’?”

Percy’s face turned even redder. “Um, I’ve been dreaming about this moment for like seven years, so you’ll have to forgive me for the fact that my brain is kind of fried right now.”

Annabeth raised an eyebrow and tried not to look smug. “Seven years, huh? That is a long time to hold your peace.”

“In my defense, you always hated it when people said anything about us dating, so I tried to kill off that part of myself and fully commit to just being friends,” Percy said.

“I’m sorry about that,” Annabeth said seriously. “I must have hurt you a lot.”

“It was painful,” Percy admitted. “But I was happy enough staying by your side.”

“The whole fake dating thing was super tone deaf then on my part, huh?” Annabeth said quietly.

“I should have refused, but I couldn’t help myself,” Percy said, grimacing. “I wanted to pretend, even if it was just for a little while, that you actually liked me back. It was a pretty bad idea, but I even tried dropping a bunch of hints since I couldn’t tell you how I felt, in the hopes that it might change something, I don’t know.”

“Well, it wasn’t all bad,” Annabeth said. “It got me to realize a whole bunch of things. Without that whole fiasco, I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.”

Percy cleared his throat and said, “And where is that exactly?”

Annabeth sat up straighter and folded her hands on her lap. “Well, for starters, I’d like to start dating you. For real this time.”

“Are you sure?” Percy asked, furrowing his brow. “We’ll have to be long distance once the fall rolls around.”

“I’m sure,” Annabeth said firmly. “Besides, we’ll be in the same state.”

“Would be nice if we were closer instead of on opposite ends,” Percy said, sighing.

Annabeth shrugged and said, “It’s a five hour and forty-two minute drive, so not all bad.”

“And you know that off the top of your head?” Percy asked, grinning.

“I, um, checked on Google maps.”

Percy gave her a smarmy look and raised an eyebrow. “Hmm, so you came here today planning expecting to ask me out, huh?”

Annabeth shoved him and bit back a smile. “I checked back in December, you jerk.”

Percy made a show of wincing and said, “Alright, alright, take it easy.”

There was a pause before Annabeth folded her arms over her chest and said, “You still haven’t properly answered me, by the way.”

“I thought it went without saying that I would say yes,” Percy said, blinking.

Annabeth’s face turned a little pink. “I- I still want to hear you say it.”

Percy ducked his chin for a moment and looked at her shyly. “Yes, I would love to go out with you.”

Her heart beat a little faster in her chest and exhilaration washed through her. “Nice.”

Percy blinked for a moment and nodded sagaciously. “Yes, nice.”

Annabeth shoved him again and ended up tackling him off his chair and fell on the floor with him. He wrapped an arm around her and laughed, and the sound reverberated through his skin and warmed her right through her bones. They lay like that for a while, tangled in each other, while he played with her hair.

Eventually, she looked up at him and cleared her throat. “So what happens next?”

Percy raised an eyebrow. “Why are you asking me?”

“You’re the one with all the dating experience,” Annabeth protested hotly.

Percy tried for a shrug and said, “Beats me. We could go get some celebratory shakes at Martha’s maybe?”

When Annabeth was quiet, he looked down at her and said, “Did you have something else in mind?”

“Well, um, if you were open to it, I would like to kiss you now,” Annabeth mumbled.

A beat passed before Percy bit back an enormous grin. “Sounds agreeable to me.”

“Don’t make me deck you again,” Annabeth warned.

“Alright, you absolute terror.”

“Dullard.”

“Always so mean, Chase.”

“Shut up, Jackson.”

“Are we gonna kiss or what?”

“You’re supposed to be the one leading, dumbass. I’ve never done this before, remember?”

“Okay well, for starters, don’t bash your nose into mine like that.”

“Oh my god, I actually hate you.”

“What you have a problem with the way I’m ‘leading’?”

“Just shut up and kiss me, you idiot.”

“Alright, no need to get so testy.”

....

“Okay?”

“U-Um, yeah. Could we, uh, do it again? You know, just for practice?”

“Sure. Just for practice.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Just so you know: it’s too late for take backs.”

“Too late?”

“Yeah, way too late.”

....

“I love you.”

“I know. Now, can we go back to the kissing, please?”

....

“You’re not gonna break my heart, are you, Annabeth Chase?”

“I won’t.”

....

“And I love you too.”

[jaehyunspeachparty]

daddy jaehyun

iv.xlxi. (a,m)

trigger warning: mentions of abortion

The time when Jaehyun filmed his drama just didn't go by. It was getting harder for you every day. It wasn't easy with the four children either, but most of all you miss your husband. When you heard the door open in the evening and Jaehyun came to bed with you, you never wanted to leave him again. "You're finally here," you whisper and put your lips on his. The kiss was so comforting and full of missing that you didn't want to let go of him. But at some point Jaehyun broke away from you. "I'm so exhausted." He put his head on the pillow and sighed. You stroke his hair and hope he doesn't fall asleep right away. It was the only time you had together at the moment. You just lie down next to him and put your hand on his torso. "I miss you," you whisper to him and look up. "I miss you too and the children, I really don't see them anymore." Jaehyun was still plagued by a guilty conscience. "Hopefully it won't be that long." You sit up and sigh. "Yeah ... hopefully ..." To Jaehyun it felt like an eternity. You then sit on his lap and put your hands under his shirt. You finally wanted to feel love again. You lacked the feeling of lust, of passion. You didn't remember when you last had sex. It was clearly too long ago. "Y/N ..." He gently grabbed your wrists and looked at you sadly. "The children are asleep and we finally have some time for ourselves." You grab his waistband, but Jaehyun stopped you. "I'm really totally tired, I can't do anything today." He stopped you from doing your thing, but you didn't want to give up so easily. You were greedy and you wanted him. You were actually sure that if you would make the start, then he would be quickly convinced. "I'll do most of the work, just relax ..." You smile and slowly and carefully pull down his pants. Most of the time when you were at this point he was a little hard, but this time it was nothing. "Y/N...I don't know..." Jaehyun didn't mean to disappoint you, but he knew his performance wouldn't work down here. But you wanted to try it, you couldn't believe it. You start to take him in your hand, spread a bit of spit along his length and with pressure you move your hand up and down. But there was still no reaction from him. "Y/N ... I ..." He was uncomfortable now because he totally failed. But you wanted to do him something good and you also wanted to experience a few highs yourself. So you draw your last card and put his length in your mouth. Your whole torso leaned down and your butt was up. You wanted to give everything, you couldn't believe that he couldn't be persuaded somehow. But sucking a limp cock really wasn't easy. He was still very soft and it was difficult to stimulate it in this state. You press your lips together, lick his tip and massage his testicles. And as much as you try, he just didn't get hard. This whole thing then became uncomfortable for Jaehyun. He was tired and still under the pressure that he couldn't get hard. "Y/N, stop it." His voice sounded harsher than expected. You look up in surprise and somehow you didn't know how to deal with the situation. You sit up and look at him desperately. You didn't have any bad intentions, but you just wanted affection and love from your husband. You were also stressed out by all of this and you just wanted to take some stress off with him. "I don't mean that, but I'm just tired. The day was exhausting today." "Do you think my day wasn't exhausting today?" You were kind of hurt and disappointed. "Yes, but ... Y/N, I was really busy today." Jaehyun tried to justify himself, but you shake your head. "And should it continue like this for the next few weeks. Should we as a married couple give us up completely?" You didn't know what to think because it was all so confused. "No, but I ..." "Don’t you miss me?" You look at him with glassy eyes and cross your arms. "I miss you, but I can hardly ..." He couldn't go on talking. He was ashamed of himself that he was so limp today and couldn't get hard. "Anyway, leave it. I'm sleeping somewhere else today." You got up and left the bedroom. You didn't want to see or hear Jaehyun. You were disappointed that he hardly found time for you. You knew the drama was draining him a lot of time and energy. But it was all too much. He was hardly there, you were alone with the kids and he was kissing some beautiful actress on the set. Your jealousy was still something very present and you could hardly let go of it. Maybe this time it was you who ruined the relationship?

When you wake up in the morning, Jaehyun was long gone. You had only heard him briefly, but then he went straight to the garage. In the morning you visit Johanna and wanted to know how she was doing after the abortion. When you two were at the doctor, it was just quiet. You didn't talk and you just try to stand by her. But now days had passed and you hope she was better. Johanna was off that day and had the children with her too. This allowed your children to hang out while you chatted. "How are you?" You ask concerned and Johanna looked at you annoyed. "Don't come on me like that ..." she sighed and admonished you. "What?" "You feel sorry for me." Johanna shook her head and looked again at the children. "No, I'm worried. An abortion isn’t easy. It is an invasion of your body." Johanna went through so much the last few years and she had severe depressions, of course you are worried about how she deals with it. "Yes ... it wasn't easy ..." Johanna lowered her head and grabbed her stomach briefly. It was weird that she wasn't pregnant anymore. "But I feel so much relief ... I feel freer ..." Johanna sometimes felt bad for her thoughts, but for a long time she felt as if she could breathe again without problems. "I'm glad you're feeling better now." You smile and stroke her hand. At that moment Johanna was so grateful for your confidence and touch that she hadn't felt alone for a long time. Even when she was with Johnny, she often felt alone. But now she had her life under control again and she could think clearly again. She had her two children, her new job, her own apartment and a good friend like you. She never thought, neither did you, that your friendship would one day become so intimate. "How are you? It seems like something is bothering you." Johanna looked at you and you stroked Geon's head, who was sitting on your lap. "It's so hard right now that Jaehyun is never there." You sigh and look down at your son. "How are you doing with your jealousy?" Johanna knew about your problem and you couldn't say that you were better. "Bad. Oh my god Johanna, I'm going crazy." You throw your head back and you want to scream. Then you put your hands on Geon's ears and start whispering. "I need sex so badly, I can hardly take it anymore. Shit I just want him to grab me, fuck me wild and I cum so hard again that I forget my own name." You were really desperate. "Wow, how long has it been for you?" Asked Johanna, surprised. "Far too long, I don't know anymore. I think since he started filming the drama again." You sigh and take another sip of your coffee. "Hmmm .... okay ..." Johanna doesn't know what to say either. "I'm so horny as I haven't been in a long time. And what the dildo gives me is no longer enough anymore." Johanna had to laugh, because in the beginning you didn't want the thing and now you were glad that you had something to stimulate you. "Can't nobody take care of the children? You can sleep in a hotel for a night and have a good fuck again." Johanna's idea wasn't bad, but there was a problem. "I've already suggested that, but he wants to spend his free time with the children. Which I understand because he doesn't see the children from Monday to Friday." You sigh and were really desperate. "The disadvantage of being married to a good father," said Johanna with a wink. "Am I selfish?" You suddenly ask her and turn to her. "What?" Johanna didn't understand what you mean. "I'm selfish. I want Jaehyun to do something with me without his children for a day and only look after us." You lower your head and you feel bad. Maybe you were too hard on him. "No, you are still a married couple, you need time together." "But we have toddlers, we have to be there for them. They come first." "But you need time together so that you can become stronger as a team and also so that you don't go crazy. You shouldn't neglect yourselves, otherwise you'll end up like me and Johnny." You lean back and don't know what to say or think. Have you been selfish? Should you demand something like this? Was sex really that important? Should you care more about your marriage? You didn't know what was right or wrong anymore ...

In the evening Jaehyun still didn’t come home. It was the usual time, but he just didn't come. Tears came to your eyes, your pulse was high and you did not know how to act. Are you overreacting? Or were you allowed to claim time? But at the same time you miss him. At the same time you were plagued by jealousy. The next moment you take the remote control and turn off the television. You try to sleep a little, because in four hours Kiwoo would wake you up because he is hungry. You lie alone in the big bed. It felt so lonely. A shiver ran down your spine and a sob overwhelmed you. Why were you so full of emotions? Why did you come to tears so quickly? At some point you managed to doze off a little, but you always startle. You reach aside and Jaehyun still wasn't there. You were beginning to worry that something might have happened. You sit up and look at your phone. No message. No phone call. You dial his number, but no one answered. You write him to call you and try to lie down again. But still nothing came. You toss and turn, can't sleep, and start worrying. What if he had an accident? You fell apart in an argument and you would never forgive yourself if something happened now. You feel incredibly guilty. Everything contracted inside you and you are getting closer and closer to a panic attack. You call him again and again. You write to him too, but there was never an answer. At some point it was 3 o'clock in the morning. You go into the kitchen and make yourself some tea. Your pulse was still high and you had thousands of scenarios in your head and you plan to go to the police in the morning. Or that you call Johnny quickly so you can go to the police station and he'll take care of the kids. You didn't know what to do. Maybe you should just call the local police and see if something happened. You take your iPad and look for the number, when suddenly the front door opened. You look over and see how Jaehyun struggled to take off his shoes. He just threw the jacket down and almost fell to the floor. You look at him in disbelief. Did that really happen? "Are you still awake?" He slurred and looked at you in amazement. His cheeks and nose were red and he was having a hard time standing up straight. "Why didn't you answer your phone?" You were done with your nerves, you couldn't sleep. Jaehyun took his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. "Oops ..." He saw the calls and messages, but due to his high alcohol level he didn't realize what was happening. "I just can't believe it ..." You didn't even know what to say anymore. You were disappointed and angry. At some point you just turn around even more and go up the stairs. "Y/N ... are you still angry?" You couldn't stand Jaehyun's streak of alcohol. You wonder why he even made it up the stairs. "Yes," you hissed back angrily. "Come on ... it's not that bad ..." You roll your eyes and you couldn't even listen to him anymore. "You could have called, I was worried." You turn to him and look at him disappointed. The tears were gathering in your eyes and it was hard to hold you back. "I didn't look at my phone. Sorry ..." He snorted and tried to be cute, but that only annoyed you. "I thought something happened to you." You take his bedding and cling tightly around it. "I thought you had an accident. FUCK! Jaehyun, I wanted to go to the police. You always call me when it gets late. ALWAYS!" You throw the bedding at him and your sobs got louder and louder. Jaehyun looked at you confused and his drunken brain found it difficult to process all of this. "I don't want you with me. You sleep somewhere else. I don't care where." You push him out of the bedroom and slam the door. Jaehyun looked at the closed door, the bedding in his hand and only the next day will he realize what just happened here.

daddy jaehyun masterlist

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

I’m listening to the first episode of Maintenance Phase (which is a great podcast btw, I listened to like every other ep first lol) and it’s just making me think about my experience with the first doctor i ever had who didn’t make me feel awful for being fat, so i’m going to vomit that out here to help any skinny people know a little of what it’s like to be fat in the healthcare system. Indulgent personal shit follows:

Every single doctor I’d had as an adult, every single one, would ask what I was doing to lose weight, would point to BMI and obesity charts telling me I was a.) fat and b.) going to die soon because I was so fat. It was something I just had to let happen to get healthcare, and the most frustrating part was that I fucking knew I was fat already. OBVIOUSLY I did. Every person I went on a date with, every coworker who side-eyed my lunch, even people at the supermarket looking like they were about to laugh when I grabbed carrots or broccoli to make myself. Knowing didn’t help. I’d tried constantly for over a decade, and nothing had changed my weight in the way they wanted it to.

So, when I went to find a primary care doc when I moved to Washington, I really assumed the same thing was going to happen. I specifically wore my “lightest” clothing and shoes so they wouldn’t impact my weight too badly, and getting on the scale was legit terrifying, because I didn’t own a scale for the specific reason it felt so bad to see the number come up, and the number ended up being 284, and I almost cried, and I just knew I was about to get yelled at. I’m tense the entire appointment (and my blood pressure reads worryingly high), but she doesn’t say anything about it. We just have a normal first appointment. She says she’s gonna have me get an at-home blood pressure cuff to see if maybe it’s just the office that made me nervous. 

And at the end she asked if I have any questions, and I pretty timidly ask if I should be worried about my weight, if I should be losing weight, and she just said “Nope, all your other vitals are good, we’re gonna get bloodwork done today anyways so we’ll see if there’s any issues there, but everything else looks fine to me.” and i legit started crying, and I told her how I was expecting her to tell me I need to lose 20, 50, 100 pounds, because that’s what other doctors told me, and she just listened and asked me when I was done talking if losing weight was something I wanted to do. I told her yes, and then she asked me a question I hadn’t ever been asked before by a doctor: If we ignore you not being happy with how you look at your weight, and people being rude and shitty to you, is being fat causing you any physical problems?

What a wild question to hear as a fat person! I’d literally never been asked that before. It was just *assumed* it was giving me health problems, and I just assumed that was correct, even though as a 28 year old plenty of patient people had already told me those things aren’t related that directly and concretely, that plenty of fat people are perfectly healthy, and plenty of skinny people are unhealthy. And I took a few seconds to think about it, because I never had before, and I said that my knees hurt sometimes when I bend down, and that I get winded easily. And I said that I know exercise would help those things, but I can’t exercise around other people, I feel too embarrassed, and I’ve never found any at-home stuff that I could keep up with or didn’t make me miserable. 

And she asked what kind of physical stuff I liked as a kid, and I mentioned gymnastics, and she asked if I’d tried yoga, since it has lots of similar stretching, focus on form, things like that, and it would likely help my knees if I started slow at first and worked my way up. and I hadn’t ever tried it, so we decided, together, for me to give it a shot before our follow up appointment to look at my bloodwork. and she emphasized that if I wanted to make it a habit, the most important thing was just to do a little bit each day, even if it’s just 5 minutes. If 30 minutes was too daunting (and let’s be honest, 30 minutes of exercise is daunting even on my days off, let alone after a 9 hour shift on my feet), just do a couple stretches, so that way your body gets used to the idea of doing it. trying to do 30 minutes 5 days a week would just mean i never did it at all.

And after we ended the appointment, suddenly I wasn’t afraid to go to the doctor anymore, imagine that! The next time I went, my blood pressure was perfect because I knew I wasn’t going to be insulted and made to feel awful, I wasn’t waiting to be told the thing I’d been told for years and tried to change, but just kept getting worse at. And, incidentally, I did end up losing weight- I’m at 225ish right now, in just like two years, which I don’t say as a “go me”, because it doesn’t matter, and for plenty of people, lifestyle changes wouldn’t have done that anyways, and there’s fucking nothing wrong with being 284 pounds, but just to point out that the only thing that actually *worked* to accomplish the goal of all the doctors I had before was not caring about that goal. None of their hectoring and shaming did the thing they wanted, and the thing so many people cautioned against- “glorifying obesity”, aka just not making fat people feel like dogshit all the time- was what gave me the mental energy to exercise regularly, to eat better. 

because I wasn’t weighing myself, and I knew at the doctor, no matter what the number was, it would be ok, I felt ok asking questions, bringing up problems I had getting cooking into my schedule, asking for help on health-related things instead of just a number over and over and over again. I was less stressed, I felt better about myself and my body, which also gave me more mental energy to do the things I wanted to be healthier. not skinnier, healthier. It’s almost like...when doctors care more about their patients’ health than their weight, when they don’t make them feel ashamed and awful, the patient will actually go to the fucking doctor. The patient will listen and care more, will ask questions, will bring up when they’re having problems or something seems off with their body. when i moved to Colorado and had my last appointment with that doctor, I cried and told her she was the best doctor I ever had, and I still tear up thinking of how much she changed and improved my life by just being a good fucking doctor who cared about my health.

also usually i read over my longer posts before i post them to make sure grammar and spelling are ok, but this is long so i didn’t do that, so it’s probably fucked. oh well.

[quaememinisse]

Apple Of His Eye

Author’s note: I know no one reads anything I post here, but I’ll tell you about it anyway. This is a little vignette based off of my story Secrets Aren’t for Keeping (click for the story). I started watching The Falcon and The Winter Soldier a few days ago with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, and he is a sex god. I’ve never cum so much in my life, on God, as they say. I still write sexual stories because that’s my thing and it makes me happy and turns me on. Hopefully it does the same for you as a reader? Idk ‘cause NO ONE reads anything I write here!   ¯\_(-_-)_/¯

Warnings: dirty talk, cum fetish, impregnation, dubious consent, smut

Theme: Romance, Hurt/Comfort

          "God, I wanna cum inside of you, baby," Bucky explains, gazing down at her darkly. Utter lust clouds his vision. He often starts to talk dirty to her the closer he is to climax. 

          "No," Cherise lifts her head to pressure his lower abdomen where he thrusts roughly between her thighs. He moves her hands away, sighing with frustration. 

          "Why, Cherry? Aren't we trying to have a baby?" He slows his motions, anticipating her answer, cocking a chestnut eyebrow. She sighs.

          "I just don't want you to tonight."

Bucky frowns, picking up the pace to get her moaning again. 

          "Don't cum inside me," she breathes, pressing on his abs again as she begins to feel an orgasm approaching.

          "Let me..." Bucky exhales, losing rhythm slightly. She knew he was going to cum.

She shoves at him lightly.

          "Not inside me—"

          "Let me..."

Cherise's orgasm causes her to pause, and Bucky to moan with finality. To Bucky, it always felt good inside her, especially when she would orgasm. Her body spasms rhythmically around him, milking him. He had no choice but to ejaculate. Cherise felt a thick, wet spurt. It was more of a powerful splatter, coating her cervix. It was very hot in temperature, almost uncomfortable. Her eyes widen and she gasps. She could always tell when Bucky came inside of her. The sensation is unmistakable. His loads were always massive and filled her completely. She struggles immediately to start to position herself out from under him. But his weight pins her still as his body writhes in pleasure. As the series of powerful, hot, streams of pressure erupt inside her consecutively, Cherise gazes up at Bucky, his oceanic eyes rolling back and closing. She always finds this part to be such a turn on, despite not having wanted this ending tonight. The soldier would always grow weak all over when he came, falter such that even his bionic arm trembles and whirs mechanically.

          He wanted her to take all of it. He wanted to complete the mission. He always did eventually. Bucky's sperm was otherworldly. Cherise could never understand how there was always so much of it, yet she was still not getting pregnant. She glares up at him and he looks confused.

          "Don't you want that baby? ...Hmmm?" he inquires, cocking his eyebrow again, and this time his head, too. This expression irritates Cherise. It almost feels like he’s talking down to her. As if she doesn’t already know they should be having a lot of sex this week if they stand another chance of trying to conceive. If she hadn’t caught a glimpse of Bucky pulling her phone out of her purse earlier in the week to see where she was in her cycle (she used an app on her phone and diligently tracked her periods), she would have peacefully been sleeping by now. She dreads the coming early morning, knowing she has to catch up with Dr. Cho on some new projects. She moans, clutching at his taut pecks. Bucky's lips on her face cause Cherise to smile, regardless.

          "You're fertile today, remember? I had to," he breathes, clutching the back of her neck in his flesh hand, kissing her forehead lovingly. 

          "Try to stay on your back for a while. It’s worth a try," Bucky prompts when she tries to get up. He hadn't even pulled out yet, and his cum had only just begun to leak out a bit. 

          "I wanna get the wipes—"

          "No—baby, yuh gotta let my sperm travel. Relax for a bit, wouldja?" Bucky presses desperately. She sighs. He physically stops her when she tries to rise again.

          "Hey, I mean it. Maybe this is why you're not getting pregnant, Cherise.” She looks away from him, closing her eyes. He sounds irritated when he speaks again, “You always wanna go grab the wipes right after we finish." Cherise acknowledges this information by stopping her struggle against his bionic arm. He wasn't planning on letting her up. 

          "...Do you not like it when I cum inside you?"

          "I didn't say that."

Bucky sighs, wondering what he has done wrong. Lately, he feels as if he’s constantly bothering his wife. She has become less patient, less interested in making love. It’s unlike her.

           “You’re acting like it,” he explains.

           “…James…”

It had felt good, but she didn't like going to bed full of cum every night. She was tired of sex becoming more of a mandatory experience rather than for pleasure. She was tired of not getting pregnant when she and Bucky fucked like rabbits since the moment they got together. Bucky’s apologetic and confused expression makes her feel badly suddenly. He sighs. 

          "Do you not want to get pregnant?" he asks, "What's wrong?"

          “I didn’t say that, James.”

          “You just told me not to cum inside of you. You haven’t requested that since we decided to try and have a baby.”

          “Well, you did, didn’t you?”

Anger surfaces on his handsome face, the jaw tightening as he bites his teeth hard at the back of his mouth.

           “Don’t speak to me like that. What is the matter with you this week?” Bucky asks sincerely, meeting her eyes and trying to read them. She looks away from him, pushing up on his chest. He doesn’t budge. He removes her pressing hands away from his torso where they had wandered.

           “Can you respect me and just talk to me?” Bucky asks, cocking his head to the side.

          "...I'm frustrated. It’s not working, Bucky.”

He cups her chin, a lot less angry now.

          “It will…we just have to keep trying—”

          “It’s been six months, James. It’s not working! …I’m scared."

          "Scared? Why?"

Cherise closes her eyes. Bucky pulls out at last, but remains atop her, tresses of his thick brown hair falling free of the bun at the back of his head and dusting his chiseled cheek.

          "Scared of what, baby? I'm not gonna let anything happen to you—"

          "What if I just can’t get pregnant?"

Her eyes water. The soldier reaches for tissues on the night stand, keeping Cherise resting beneath his body. He wasn’t kidding about having her lie on her back after sex. Although she knew and had meant to inform him that this added no benefit in attempts to conceive, she gave up momentarily. A few tears escape Cherise’s eyes and he dabs them away, kissing her forehead repeatedly.

           “We went to the doctor last month, babe. They said things can take time and we should keep trying for a few more months…it’ll be okay, Cherry,” Bucky promises. She shakes her head.

           “You don’t know that. You can’t know that. What if I’m just infertile?”

           “Don’t say that, Cherry. We’ll figure it out.” He watches her close her eyes and begin to cry audibly. He sits up and pulls her into his arms. He was beginning to feel like a failure deep down, and it rubbed him the wrong way. Badly. It was part of the reason he would grab Cherise as soon as she got home at the end of the day. He wanted to know he was still virile. In that moment, he finds himself not feeling so. He had never tried to get a woman pregnant before, though he’d had many women. He couldn’t figure out why it was so difficult. He figured all he had to do was not pull out and it would simply happen. Easier said than done. He had seen Cherise cry over this a few times in the past month, but it becomes clearer to him now how much she’s struggling. The previous weekend, she had woken up crying in bed, and he had turned on the lamp to figure out what was wrong. She had recited to him in vivid and precise detail a dream she’d had about having twin girls. How happy it made her. The tears were for joy that something like that could happen, and also for pain, the fear that the crib they had set up in one of their house’s spare bedrooms may never be full.

           “I’m sorry,” Bucky says, meaning it. He was sure it was his fault. There were going to be lifelong effects from the serum Hydra had given him all those years ago. He figured it must have affected his fertility, too. They share silence for a moment. Bucky’s warm chest against Cherise’s ear has a calming effect. She stops crying shortly.

           “It’s just…I’m getting impatient. And I’m sore because we have sex so much.”

           “You’re sore? You shoulda told me,” Bucky explains, looking into her eyes apologetically. He was naturally horny every day. He often woke up like that for as long as he could possibly remember. Cherise’s libido matched his during the right phases of her cycle, but when he’d approached her after she showered and pulled off her robe, he could tell she wasn’t really in the mood tonight. It took coaxing, but he had managed to get her turned on enough to do the deed.

           “I do want a baby, James…it’s frustrating to me,” she admits.

           “I’m getting a little frustrated, too, doll. But I think we should keep trying naturally for a few more months. If you’re not pregnant by Christmas, then maybe we could try IVF—”

           “Do you know how much that would cost?”

Bucky sighs, “Money isn’t a factor, Cherry. You know I have the money from the VA, and what you make working for the Avengers, it wouldn’t be—”

           “I just don’t know if I could go through something like that,” Cherise explains, her voice breaking again.

           ���Please don’t cry, babe,” Bucky says sweetly, kissing her forehead more, but she starts, and his heart shatters.

           “If we tried IVF and it still didn’t work—”

           “You gotta stop thinkin’ like that, doll. You’re stressing yourself out real bad…maybe that’s why we’re having so much trouble.”

Cherise shakes her head, not wanting to accept that maybe he’s right. Cherise rarely relaxed. She was always working. If she wasn’t working, she was working out. She liked to be a productive person and rarely ever even took time off.

           “I’ve been wanting you to take it easy on yourself. Stress can really mess with your hormones and your body.”

           “…I don’t know what to do with myself, James.”

He reaches for another tissue and she blows her nose.

           “Please, Cherry, take some time off. You know we can afford it. You don’t gotta be killing yourself with work.”

           “I know…but I’m used to being a hard worker.”

           “You don’t gotta do that, baby. ‘Cause I’m right here.”

Bucky’s hands rubbing her lower back and shoulders cause her to calm down some more. A wetness presents around her bottom and she pulls the covers back to find she and Bucky have made a mess of the sheets. She blushes furiously as Bucky’s eyes follow hers.

           “I’m sorry,” he says, “I just thought it’d be a good time to try,” he explains, gazing over at their calendar on the wall where Cherise started to write a giant star on the days she was supposed to be ovulating. Bucky checked the calendar religiously since she started doing it, peeking at her fertility app a few times a week on top of that. He stands up to grab the baby wipes she kept on the dresser. Cherise casually hands him three before tending to herself. They clean themselves in silence.

           “Have you ever thought about adoption?” Cherise asks. Bucky sits in front of her in bed. He gazes down, his eyebrows clenching, his hands massaging her lower back deeply.

           “It hasn’t really crossed my mind…I want you to have my baby,” he explains. Her heart nearly explodes at the desperation, the longing in his eyes and voice.

           “I—I want it to be ours,” Bucky explains, gripping her hips very tightly suddenly. A moment passes where she finds herself looking up at him. Bucky was territorial of her a lot of the time. He wanted her to be his in every way possible. Down to planting a part of himself within her and watching it grow. Cherise begins to understand how important it is for him to impregnate her himself. He wanted to feel like a man. It would make him feel in tune with his masculinity. It would make him feel as though he’d finally done something good in the past century.

           “I want that, too,” Cherise says dreamily, breathlessly. She kisses Bucky with meaning. His grin against her lips makes her happy.

           “So, speak to your supervisor. Tell them you need to take a sabbatical. We could even just…disappear somewhere nice. Just you and me, Cherry,” Bucky adds, his eyes wide suddenly, excited, his mechanical hand clutching her ankle, “Imagine how un-stressed you’d feel on an uncharted island. Huh, babe?” His arm whirs excitedly. He grins down at her and she nods.

           “Yeah, we could find a place…take a quinjet…I know the team wouldn’t mind. Hell, they’ll even help us find some nice remote place. Maybe just somethin’ like what Barton got for his family. For us. For our son, when you finally get pregnant with him.” The words spilling out of Bucky’s mouth sound like paradise to her. She traces her index and middle fingers down his mechanical arm.

           “Please, Cherise. Just take some time off. It’ll do you some good. It’ll do us some good. I know this is frustrating, and I don’t want us to turn against each other.”

Cherise starts to wonder if maybe she just didn’t listen to her husband often and well enough. He had asked her a few times in the past month to take a vacation. Even if it just meant that they’d stay home together. Bucky hated that many mornings, he would wake up to find Cherise already gone to work, and he himself was getting up as early as 5:30 in the morning to go and teach fitness classes to veterans, the side job he was passionate about doing even though he was technically retired.

           “I don’t know if I want to go anywhere too far…”

           “Why not?” Bucky asks.

           “There’s so much to do—”

           “This is what I’m talking about, baby…you’re always working yourself insane.”

She knows he’s right.

           “Tell me how to get you to relax. Tell me how,” Bucky begs. She realizes that right now, he wants to have a child more than she does. He rarely begged her to do anything.

           “I don’t know, babe. I’m just very type A,” Cherise explains.

           “Boy, I know that,” he explains.

           “What if I’m just broken?” Cherise asks, her voice breaking again. Bucky clutches her face, shaking his head.

           “No,” he whispers, “That’s not true. Don’t say it.”

He spends time comforting her until she falls asleep against his chest. And after gently lying her head on the pillow without waking her, Bucky stares at her, crying quietly. He presses his flesh hand over her flat stomach a long moment, wishing and hoping that maybe he got it right this time…

                                                     PRESENT DAY

           Despite how much she hates being pregnant, Bucky can’t stop looking at Cherise and taking photos of her. He never would have thought she’d be coming to term for a second time. She pushes her hands up to shroud her face.

           “Damn it, James—I said no more photos,” Cherise explains in exasperation.

           “Please,” Bucky begs, “You look so beautiful right now. You don’t even know.”

           “I look like a balloon, James.”

He grins. At almost seven months pregnant with their son, Bucky knew Cherise’s energy wasn’t going to last the entire day, but Christina had really wanted to go apple picking as a family after having done it in school as a field trip, and neither Cherise nor Bucky planned on letting her miss out on that.

           “What about this one, mumma?!” Christina calls ahead of them, picking up an apple that had fallen on the ground. The fall wind whips Cherise’s hair out of her eyes long enough for Bucky to get a perfect shot of her face as she gazes in the direction their daughter had started running.

           “No running, peanut—there’s other people picking apples!” Cherise calls. But she doesn’t bother to run after the six-year-old. She hasn’t the energy. Bucky laughs as the child comes running back to them with a bright red apple in her small hands.

           “Very red, baby girl,” Cherise explains, taking the apple from her, “This one will go very well in a pie.”

Christina claps and smiles up at her mother, very proud of herself. She always basked in the light of Cherise’s approval. It made Bucky smile. Cherise places the apple into the growing bag he’s carrying with his bionic limb. Christina grabs Cherise’s hand and starts to lead her ahead.

           “Don’t forget the bag, daddy,” she explains, pausing to look back at him and make sure he still has it. Bucky laughs, “I got your apples, baby. Don’t worry.” Christina flashes her father a smile and he whips his phone out of his pocket again to photograph the trio walking together. The true apples of his eye.

[reidrco]

worth it

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴: spencer reid x reader 

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: mentions of kidnapping, blood and slight choking.

𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2.1k

𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿‘𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲: please keep in mind that im only on season one of criminal minds when you’re reading this. i was a bit inspired by the episode “300″ in season 14, which i randomly watched some time ago, but i didn’t put any spoilers except a tiny little one <3 i suck at writing fluff and kissing scenes, but i hope yall enjoy this anyway!! i havent proofread this either so i’m sorry for any mistakes :(

Friday, your favorite day of the week. 

Not only because it was your last day at work before a long, relaxing weekend, but also because your best friend, Spencer Reid, and you always spent your Friday nights together, watching your favorite movies and eating junk food together.

It had become something like a routine for you two over the years which neither of you wanted to ever miss again. Your movie nights were a perfect chance to forget all the stress at work and a great excuse to eat a crazy amount of unhealthy food, something everyone needed after an exhausting week.

Unfortunately, Spencer had to cancel your movie night two times in a row this month because of an important case which had taken longer to solve than the team had expected, giving you no other chance than to watch your favorite romantic dramas all by yourself.

You had missed him a lot while he had been gone because he hadn’t called or texted once, leaving you sleepless and worried for two long weeks. You had tried not to overthink, knowing he always had to concentrate on the case, but a weird feeling in your stomach had told you that something had been wrong.

Spencer had always called you at least once when he hadn’t been in town, talking about the case with you and telling you how much he missed you, but this time none of that had happened. Your attempts not to overthink had failed badly and you had found yourself creating the worst scenarios in your head every single day.

The countless unread messages you had sent him hadn’t made you feel any better. At some point, you had even thought about calling one of the other team members, but you hadn’t wanted to embarrass yourself or give the impression of a clingy best friend.

So the weeks had gone by without hearing a peep from Spencer, making it hard for you to concentrate and work and not mess up your costumer’s orders.

On Tuesday night, after over two weeks of no message or call from Spencer, you had driven past his house. His car had been parked at his usual parking spot, a sign that he had finally come back home. 

As soon as you had arrived at your apartment, you had called him at least five times but, again, he hadn’t picked up. Slowly you had started to think that you had done something wrong and it had been your fault that he hadn’t contacted you for such a long time.

You had barely slept that not. But to your surprise, you had woken up to a new text message from Spencer on Wednesday morning, letting you know that he would buy some Chinese takeout before picking you up from work on Friday.

Maybe you had overthought way too much and he had actually just been busy working on the case.

But the moment you saw your best friend leaning against his car in front of the coffee shop you worked at two days later, you knew the weird feeling in your stomach hadn’t failed you. To say Spencer looked terrible was probably the understatement of the year, but you were glad to see him alive. 

You almost stumbled over your own feet as you sprinted towards your best friend, but you couldn’t care less. Without really thinking about it and ignoring his dislike of hugs, you pulled Spencer in a big, warm embrace, wrapping your arms tightly around his thin torso while you tried not to burst out in tears.

“You’re an asshole, Reid,” you greeted him, being unable to stop yourself from smiling at the sound of his laugh and the feeling of his strong arms around you. God, you had missed him like crazy.

“I missed you, too,” he chuckled and pressed a loving kiss on your forehead, tightening his arms around you.

Neither of you knew how long you stood next to his car like that, arms wrapped around each other and never wanting to let go again, but it was the best feeling in the entire universe. Spencer was the one who carefully pushed your body away from his, smiling at you before the two of you finally got in his car.

“What happened to you? You look terrible,” you asked and leaned back in your seat, your eyes fixed on Spencer. He looked like someone had just beaten him up five minutes ago, one bruised eye, a  deep cut on his bottom lip and another one right above his eyebrow. On top of that, it seemed like he hadn’t slept in days.

Spencer shrugged his shoulders and tried to avoid eye contact while his fingers nervously tapped on the steering wheel. You could tell that he didn’t want to talk about it so you decided not to dig any deeper.

The only sound that could be heard for the following five minutes was jazz music playing on the radio. You didn’t exactly feel uncomfortable, but you were scared of saying something wrong and ruining your movie night with Spencer. 

Luckily, your best friend was the first one to speak again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” he mumbled almost so quietly that you didn’t understand a word he had said, “I know you always worry a lot, but I didn’t really… have the chance to use my phone.”

You rested your hand on his thigh, not really realizing what you were doing, and squeezed it slightly.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now. I’m just glad you’re here and not buried six feet under the ground,” you ensured him, your thumb drawing circles on his thigh. Spencer removed his right hand from the steering wheel and placed it on top of yours, intertwining your fingers.

He was more than relieved that you didn’t force him to talk about the case because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to replay the kidnapping, which Garcia and he had just been through, in his head already. Spencer had been one step away from knocking on heaven’s door, the feeling when his team had finally rescued him indescribable.

He had been so convinced that he would die before having told you how strong his feelings for you were and never getting the chance to kiss you that now he had to fight every cell in his body which told him to pull over and kiss you on the middle of the highway.

In his eyes, you were the most beautiful, caring, supportive and kindhearted woman to ever exist and it hadn’t taken him long to fall deeply in love with everything about you, but he had never found the courage to tell you.

Besides that, the fear of ruining your friendship was always in the back of his head, but now he could feel that he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back any longer.

The traffic light in front of you suddenly went from yellow to red, causing Spencer to slow down and stop the car. You watched the other vehicles drive past you on the street, not noticing that Spencer’s hazel eyes were fixed on you the whole time.

His thumb was drawing little circles on the back of your hand, making you smile like an idiot. Spencer was closer than ever to just saying "fuck it" and press his lips against yours, already letting go of your hand so that he could cup your face in his large hands.

However, the loud honk from the car behind his prevented him from doing so, causing both of you to nearly have a heart attack. Spencer quickly focused on the street and started driving again, both hands on the steering wheel. You missed the feeling of skin-to-skin contact immediately, just like he did.

“That’s why you should always keep your eyes on the road. I thought you knew that, Doctor Spencer Reid,” you teased him and turned your face away from the window to look at him.

“A pretty woman is sitting next to me. I don’t think you can blame me for being distracted for a moment,” his words made you blush deeply and had shocked you a bit if you were being honest. Did he just flirt with you?

Spencer was surprised by his straight-forwarded compliment as well, immediately regretting it because he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Best friends didn’t flirt with each other, but was making someone a compliment even considered flirting? He had no idea.

The two of you sat in silence again. For ages, you had waited for Spencer to finally make a move, give you a hint that his feelings for your were stronger than just best friend as well, but you didn’t know if this had been the sign you needed.

The past weeks had made you realize how much he really meant to you and you were sick of calling him your best friend, having to hide your crush on him when all you wanted was to kiss his soft lips whenever he wouldn’t stop rambling about some facts nobody really cared about.

But you couldn’t just… kiss him, right?

You played with the silver promise ring, which Spencer had gifted you a few years ago, on your finger while your teeth tortured your bottom lip, unsure of what to do while trying to ignore the tension in the car. Spencer’s eyes somehow always found their way back to your kissable lips, but you were too busy looking out of the window to notice. He didn’t even want to hold back anymore.

All of sudden, Spencer pulled over and stopped the car. You looked at him, furrowing your eyebrow slightly confused.

“Are you-…,” but he didn’t let you finish your question, closing his eyes for a second and taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what he was about to do before he tilted his head so that he could look right into your eyes.

“Can you stop biting your lip? Because I might have to kiss you if you don’t.”

Your heart skipped a beat, breathing normally felt harder than ever. Someone had to punch you in the face right now so that you could make sure you weren’t dreaming. 

Even Spencer was surprised by his sudden braveness.

Every brain cell in your head had stopped working by now and you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks.

“For fuck’s sake, Spencer, just fucking kiss me,” you whispered, almost sounding like you begged him to do it.

Of course, he didn’t need to be told twice and before your brain could process what was happening, Spencer had already leaned in and united his soft lips with yours. Your heart was close to exploding in your chest and the butterflies in your stomach went crazy.

Spencer’s hand found it’s way into your (y/h/c) hair, the other one softly caressed your cheek. For a few moments, you didn’t move and felt like you had a blackout because of the adrenaline running through your veins, but just as you could feel Spencer pull back, you wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed back.

Your lips were moving in sync and you couldn’t help but moan against his soft lips as he bit your bottom lip carefully and slipped his tongue inside your mouth, exploring every corner of it. If someone had told you that Spencer was such a good kisser, you would’ve laughed, but, holy shit, he knew exactly what he was doing.

You could feel his hand move from your cheek down to your neck and as he suddenly wrapped his fingers around your throat, squeezing it gently, you were convinced that Spencer could make you orgasm just by making out with you.

Although you didn’t want to miss the feeling of his soft lips against yours for one second, you had to pull back after a few more minutes to breathe. You leaned back in your seat and took a deep breath, your eyes still closed. You were scared that if you opened them you would wake up from another dream about your best friend’s lips.

Spencer cleared his throat and whipped his sweaty palms on his blue pants, still mind-blown and breathless from the kiss.

“We should’ve done this sooner,” you whispered and finally dared to open your eyes, your gaze finding Spencer’s slightly swollen lips immediately. This was real, not just a stupid fantasy.

He couldn’t describe the feeling, but in that moment he felt the happiest man on the planet.

She feels the same, Reid, it’s mutual. Why did it take you so long to notice?

“We don’t ever have to stop again,” he answered and left a quick peck on your cheek before he started his car again.

Maybe he should get kidnapped more often if it led to a make-out season with the prettiest woman in the world.

[futurebicon]

I am happy to give you ideas! Please supply me with your brilliant writing! I need a bedtime story! Maybe Sirius getting pretty badly injured at a game? Re's reaction and then him helping with recovery?🥰

Okay this ones a little unrealistic probably but I was looking up injuries in hockey and this came up multiple times so yeah. (Also I got so carried away with this one. I literally lagged my phone with how long this ended up being.  There’s defiantly going to be multiple parts because I wrote too much and Tumblr won’t let me write more

Warning : Injury, panic attack?, heart problems, mentions of child abuse

“You okay?” James asked Sirius.

“Yeah, I just feel-off. I guess.”

James nodded, still concerned about the pained look on his face.

He stood up to go tell Remus when Sirius collapsed.

Remus jumped over beach to get to him. The other players on the bench crowding around him.

“What happened?” James screamed.

They could hear the announcer talking about the commotion on the bench. Everyone on the ice skating over and shouting questions. The stadium filled with quiet whispers.

Remus’s mind went blank. He went into the medic routine, not thinking about the fact that it was the love of his life on the ground.

“He’s in cardiac arrest” Moody told them.

“He’s 24” Logan exclaimed.

“DAMN IT GET A MEDIC NOW” Dumo shouted. All of them screamed for a medic as Moody cut off his jersey and gear and Remus began CPR

“WHERE THE HELL IS THE MEDIC HES DYING” Kasey screamed. This sent a shock through the crowd.

The medics appeared and pushed everyone out of the way, only Moody was allowed on the bench with him.

“NO. HE’S DYING AND YOURE NOT HELPING HIM” James tried to fight them.

“Stops, Stop” Remus put a shaking hand on his chest. “Let them work. Let them help him. Please James, I’m begging you to let them help him” his voice shook.

James nodded, backing away from the bench.

Dumo went over to stand near Remus. “What are you thinking right now?” He asked him, knowing that it was pointless to ask if he was okay.

“That I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose him” Remus told him honestly. “My biggest fear is him getting hurt or leaving me and now he’s hurt and could be leaving me forever”

Dumo wrapped his arms around Remus, who’s breathing picked up as he thought about Sirius dying.

“Breathe, breathe Loops” He waved over Leo to help calm him down.

“Hey, hey. I know you’re fucking terrified right now. I can’t even imagine what I would do if it was one of my boys but you need to try and breathe Remus. You’re no help to Sirius if you’re panicking. Respirer, Remus”

He nodded, taking deep breathes.

“Good, good.” Leo nodded.

“If he d-”

“No, we’re not thinking about that right now” Dumo cut him off.

“His heart stopped” Remus began to remember bits and pieces of the last few minutes. Remembered checking for a pulse and telling Moody there wasn’t one. “His heart wasn’t beating. He was dead”

The rest of the players were standing around in terror.

They all went quiet as they tried to process what he said, they could hear the medics counting off numbers for the defibrillator.

Alice and Frank were quieting the stadium while trying to figure out what was happening.

The other team, the Hufflepuff Badgers skated over.

“What happened?” one of the players asked.

“Apparently cardiac arrest.” Adam Fox told him.

“He’s young though, isn’t he?”

“Yeah. Yeah he is” Finn said sadly.

A stretcher ran past them, loading Sirius onto it.

His skin was the color of snow. His black hair a stark contrast where it fell into his closed eyes. Remus wanted nothing more than to tuck it behind his ear like he’s done hundreds of times. His jersey and gear had been completly removed. A medic was on the stretcher, preforming CPR as they rushed him off the ice and into the waiting ambulance.

Remus shook his head and covered his mouth, tears streaming down his face. James turned him around and hugged him. The entire team gathered around them in a huge hug.

The Hufflepuffs made a circle around them, all of them with their hands on their neighbors shoulder and head down.

They stayed that way for a while before refs told them that the game was over. Their coaches wanted them in their locker rooms. They nodded and pulled away.

The Hufflepuff players patted all their backs and told them they would pray for Sirius.

It was silent as they walked into the locker room.

Remus walked over and sat in Sirius’s stall. He jolted as he realized that they wind of had to cut his necklace off.

But his eyes drifted to the wall of his stall. A small nail in the back corner had the ‘12’ necklace hanging from it. With a post it beside it that read “Re, promise I still love it. Just can’t stand the thought of it getting broken. I love you.”

He smiled sadly, reaching over and took the necklace off the makeshift hook. He couldn’t hold back his sobs any longer.

“He’s going to be okay. He has to be okay.” James cried beside him.

Coach Weasley walked in a few minutes later. “They’re trying to stabilize him and get him on a ventilator. They’re thinking about surgery to put in an ICD”

“ICD? What the hell is that?”

“It’s a device that will monitor his heart rate and shock it if it beats irregularly” Remus explained.

“Like a pacemaker?”

“No pacemakers force your heart to beat. ICDs just monitor it and help if something goes wrong”

“Can he still play?”

“He will be able to if he chooses to but he’s out for the rest of the season. The league can’t risk it.” Coach told them.

“He’s 24 years old. How can you go into cardiac arrest at 24 years old?” Olli asked.

They all looked to Remus for the answer.

“He’s an athlete and works out religiously. Too much exercise can sometimes cause the left heart valve to overwork. He told me that when he was younger his parents wouldn’t let him or Regulus sleep. Making them practice on their rink until morning or they collapsed.”

“Jesus Christ they need to be in jail.” Logan gasped.

“Or hell” James requested.

“The second options much better” Kasey said. “I volunteer to help send them there”

“All of you get dressed to go to the hospital.” Arthur told them, not even commenting on their murder plans.

The team had never changed so quickly.

“Remus, you’re driving over with me.” Dumo told him, Remus just nodded.

“What if he’s not okay?” Remus broke the silence in the car. “I know everyone’s saying he will be but what if he’s not? Realalistic he’s not going to be okay”

“Then we deal with it if that happens. No one knows what’s going to happen. None of us know how to prepare for a teammate to die. So all we can do is wait”

“I can’t lose him Pascal. I don’t think I can live without him.”

Dumo didn’t respond, just reached over and placed a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing slightly. Partly because he wanted to comfort him and partly because he knew it was true.

***

The hospital was quiet as they all waited for news. Some of them sitting on the uncomfortable chairs, a few of them pacing.

“Can all of you stop” Sergio told them, getting annoyed with the footsteps.

“No we’re stressed out so we’re not going to sit” Finn rolled his eyes at him.

“It’s annoying” Kasey told them.

“Too bad. Deal with it” James rolled his eyes.

They argued for a few minutes before Remus snapped.

“KNOCK IT OFF” he barked. “My boyfriend is in there dying or already dead and you’re fighting because footsteps are annoying you.”

They all quieted and sat down.

Lily and Natalie walked into the waiting room a few minutes, tears on their faces.

James and Kasey stood up to hug them.

“What’s going on? What happened? No one knows anything.” Natalie asked.

“What did you see?” Dumo asked as Celeste walked in.

Lily pulled away from the hug she was in with Remus. “Me and Nat were watching the game. And then they panned over to the bench where you were crowded around someone on the ground, one of you tipped over the bench so there was more room and the arena got quiet. Then Dumo was shouting for a medic and Kasey shouted that someone was dying. And the crowd started screaming. Then medics ran over and made all of you clear out and James was screaming something at them. Then Dumo went over to Remus and they said that they think it’s Sirius but they don’t know what happened and then he was wheeled out on a stretcher with someone doing CPR. The the game was over. And the announcers just talked for the rest of the time trying to figure out what happened and replaying everything. They talked to Hufflepuff players but they said it wasn’t their place to explain.” She told them.

“Sirius went into cardiac arrest” James told them.

“Oh god” Celeste gasped.

“Remus I’m so sorry” Lily breathed, pulling him in for another hug.

Nat had more tears falling down her face. “Did they say how he was?”

Dumo shook his head.

They sat down. Lily sitting between James and Remus. Remus’s head on her shoulder as she held James’s hand.

No one knew how long they sat there for before a doctor walked over to them. They all stood up.

“How is he?” Remus asked, terror coursing through his body at the sober look on the doctors face.

“He’s stable.” Remus breathed for the first time in hours.

“His heart did stop multiple times so we ended up having to insert the ICD you were told about. He’s still not awake due to the medication. He’s allowed one visitor for now.”

They all nodded at Remus.

“You were lucky. If you hadn’t reacted like you did we wouldn’t of been able to save him.”

The doctor gave him Sirius’s room number and the overview of directions to get there before leaving.

Lily kissed his cheek and squeezed his hand. “Go see him.”

Remus just nodded and walked down the hospital hallway. He took a shaky breath as he walked into Sirius’s room. But none of it prepared him for it.

A bandage was around his chest and over his shoulder, protecting the stitches underneath. Too many wires were starched to him. Remus walked over to the chair and pulled it up beside him.

“Hi baby” he said as he grabbed his hand gently. Kissing his knuckles.

“I know you can’t hear me but I need you to wake up. I need to hear your voice and see your pretty eyes, okay. I need to know that you’re here and I’m not going to lose you. Please baby.” He begged. Reaching up with the hand not holding Sirius’s to brush the hair out of his face.

“I love you. I love you” he repeated, kissing his forehead. “Please wake up”

Time was water, Remus was drowning in it. Knowing he couldn’t do anything except wait.

Finally, Sirius’s hand twitched in his.

Remus stood up. Watching Sirius blink his eyes open, squinting at the bright hospital light.

“Hey, hey baby” Remus smiled at him, his eyes filled with hears as he looked into Sirius’s grey ones.

Sirius came to his sense and jolted, his eyes going wide and making a machine beep once.

“Shh, shh, shh. You’re okay. You’re okay” he ran a hand through his hair.

A nurse quickly entered the room, the beeping of the machine probably alerting them.

“Oh, you’re awake” she smiled. “I’m just going to check your vitals real quick.”

“What happened?” He asked.

“You, uh, you went into cardiac arrest during the game” Remus told him.

“Can I still play?”

Remus laughed “You just almost died and literally died multiple times and that’s what you ask. And yes you still can once you’re healed but you’ll be out for the rest of the season to recover and give you’re heart time to rest”

“Wait so I had a heart attack?”

“No. You’re heart stopped.”

“Why?” Sirius’s asked. Sticking his arm out for the nurse to pull out an IV that wasn’t needed anymore.

“You exercise too much love” Remus smiled at him.

“That can cause my heart to stop?” He asked the nurse.

“Yes. You overwork it when it beats too fast while you work out. Eventually it gives out.” She explained.

“Oh, can it happen to the other guys?” He asked, concerned.

“It’s rare.” The nurse shook her head. “And from the looks of it, the excessive exercise goes back to your childhood”

“Baise mes parents”

“Fuck your parents is correct. I’m pretty sure the guys are plotting a murder plan in the waiting room” he joked.

“Good”

“I’ll leave you two to plot a murder alone” the nurse smiled before leaving the room.

“I like her, she seems nice” Sirius told him, still a tiny bit loopy from the meds.

“Yeah she does seem nice” Remus smiled.

“Are you okay?” Sirius squeezed his hand.

“Don’t worry about me”

“Too bad I’m going too anyway.”

Remus smiled sadly. “You terrified me baby. I thought I was going to lose you.”

“I’m right here, mon amour”

“I know you are. I just... realized I can’t live without you.”

“And you won’t have too. Now lean down so I can kiss you”

Remus giggled and leaned down, letting Sirius kiss him. He kissed back. It wasn’t a deep kiss but Remus poured everything into it. I love you. You scared me. I need you here with me. I love you more than anything. I can’t live without you.

“I love you” Sirius said when they pulled away.

“I love you too”

Remus sat back down as the doctor knocked on the door.

“You’re teams driving me insane.” He smiled.

“Yeah they do that a lot” Sirius told him.

“Alright, don’t let them hug you and mess up your stitches, I already told them that but I don’t think they’ll listen.”

Sirius nodded. “Am I allowed to sit the bed up. My backs hurting from laying down”

“Yes you can. Just not too far.” He told him before leaving to go get some of the team.

Remus helped him move the bed up. Kissing his forehead when he was sitting up.

“I love you” he muttered against it.

“Love you too” Sirius responded.

Remus knew he had told him that a lot today but if that was all he could said for the rest of his life he would mind.

A few minutes James, The Cubs, Dumo, Celeste, Natalie, and Lily burst into the room.

“Oh merci putain tu es en vie” James gasped.

“I am alive” Sirius laughed.

“If you die again I’ll kill you”

“That’s not at all how it works” Remus told him.

“I’ll make it work”

“We’re glad you’re okay. You scared us for a while there” Dumo told him.

“One could say you have us a heart attack” James smirked.

“Oh my god that was the worse joke I have ever heard in my life” Sirius groaned with a laugh.

“I think it was a pretty good one, si je le dis moi-même”

The girls all kissed his cheek and then scattered across the room to find a place to sit.

“So, what exactly happened?” Sirius asked them.

“You just looked...bad. Like you were pale and kept wincing and rubbing your chest. So I went to tell Remus to check to make sure you were okay and you completely collapsed.” James told him.

“Everyone was around you, Moody and Remus were trying to figure out what happened and the medics were taking forever. We screamed for them but they still took too long. Moody said you were in cardiac arrest and started CPR” Leo picked up.

“They made us go onto the ice so they could work on you. Moody and Coach were the only one allowed on the bench. Remus was freaking out and so was everyone else. The Hufflepuff team came over and we told them what happened. And then they wheeled you out on a stretcher” Logan continued.

“What does everyone know?”

“Just that it was you that it happened too. They were doing CPR on you when you were rushed out. They asked the other team what happened but they said it wasn’t their place to tell. Coach said they’ll have to release a statement in a few. He’ll come back and talk to you about it in a little.” Dumo told him.

“What treatment did I get?”

“You were on a ventilator for a litttle while they were trying to stabilize you.” Remus explained. “Once you were stable for a while they did a surgery to place an ICD in your chest. It’s a small device that will monitor your heartrate and heart beat. If something happens it will send a shock through your heart. I don’t know much else about it so the doctor will have to explain it.”

“But I can still play with it in?”

“Yes. You can still play.” Remus smiled.

“Good” he said with a nod.

“Why is your biggest concern hockey after you just died?” Dumo asked.

“Because it is”

“You’re impossible, you know that?” Remus laughed, kissing his temple.

“When can I leave the hospital?”

The others shared looks.

“What? How long?”

“Cardiac arrest is really serious baby” Remus told him.

“How long?” He repeated firmly.

“A month”

“What? But I’m perfectly fine” he exclaimed.

“I know you are but that’s just for right now.” Remus told him. “But 40% of people die within a year after cardiac arrest”

Sirius threw his head back against the pillow.

“I’m sorry, baby”

“Fuck my parents”

“We have the murder planned” Kasey told him.

“You’re the one to kill them” Natalie added.

“Good”

“No one is killing anyone. But if it’s okay with you, we can tell people about it and the reason your heart stopped.” Remus told him.

“I’ll have to call Reg about it. Ask him about it or I can say that he was the favorite child so they didn’t do anything to him.”

Remus nodded. “You’re parents have to pay for what they did” he said as he moved the piece of hair that won’t stay out of his face.

“Yeah” The coversation was cut off as the nurse from before walked in.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

“I’m okay, my chest is a little sore but it doesn’t like, hurt-hurt” he told her.

Everyone tensed before she responded with a nod.

“With the surgery and multiple rounds of CPR, you probably will be for a while. If it gets more than sore tell us right away” she said as she checked his blood pressure.

Sirius nodded and squeezed Remus’s hand, it was still tensed up. He tugged on it lightly. Remus stood up and kissed the corner of his mouth. Relaxing immediately.

“Alright, vitals are good. Dr. Hudson will be in soon to talk about further treatment.” She told him, closing the door as she left.

Sirius reaches for his necklace subconsciously, jolting forward when he couldn’t feel it.

“I have it. You took it off so it would break on the ice. Remember?” Remus pulled it out of his pocket.

Sirius nodded, sitting up to let Remus clasp it around his neck.

“Good thing you took it off. They would of had to cut it off it you hadn’t.”

Sirius nodded, relaxing as he fidgeted with it.

Dr. Hudson walked in a few moments later.

The team stood up, promising to be back later.

“Alright” he pulled up a chair. “So you’re going to be staying here for a month. Just so that we can monitor you and make sure that your ICD works like it should. If you go into cardiac arrest or have any other heart issues we’ll have to keep you hear longer. 40% of people discharged from the hospital after cardiac arrest die within a year.” He told them.

“So what do I do about hockey?” Sirius asked.

“That’s literally all you’re concerned about” Remus shook his head with a smile.

Dr. Hudson chuckled. “You’ll be able to play next year.”

“Next year” he exclaimed.

“Sorry but we have to make sure you won’t die again” he smiled at how upset he was.

“After you’re discharged from the hospital and you rest for 2 weeks you’ll be able to sit on the bench during practices and games.”

“Good I still get to yell at them” he smirked.

Remus and the doctor both laughed.

“Your Coach is going to be here in a few minutes. So I’ll leave you all to discuss what ever you need to discuss.”

They thanked him as he stood and left the room.

As sad, Coach Weasly entered a few minutes later with a guy in a suit. “This is Mr. Tela. He’s from the league and is going to make the formal statement” he told them.

Mr. Tela shook Remus’s hand before going to shake Sirius’s.

Sirius winced and sharply inhaled in pain when he at up and extended his arm. “Sorry, forgot I had stitches”

“Perfectly fine” Mr. Tela smiled.

“So what’s the statement going to be?” Sirius asked.

“We need to be careful to not not scare your fans. There’s already mass panic at the fact that Winters screamed that he was dying. And the fact that you where taken away with someone doing frantic CPRhas obviously made fans assume the worst.”

“When are you making the statement? Do I have to say anything or is the league going too?”

“The league will announce it. It’s been over 12 hours since it happened so we’ll have to announce it soon.”

Remus blinked. 12 hours. It felt like just minutes ago but at the same time it felt like years.

“What’s the statement going to say?” Remus asked.

“This is what we have for now. You two can add anything or ask for it to be removed.” He took out two pieces of paper that had the statement printed on it.

Gryffindor Lion Captain, 24 year old, Sirius Black collapsed during the Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff game last night. The reason for the collapse was cardiac arrest. Black was quickly rushed to the hospital where they were able to revive him. He will be hospital for the next few months. Sadly, he will be unable to play until next year to make sure his heart will be able to stay stable. The reason for the cardiac arrest is unknown as of now.

“Wait why aren’t we telling them the reason for it?” Sirius asked.

“We weren’t sure if you would want it to be known yet.” Mr. Tela said. “If you would like the reason to be included we can add it.”

“I’ll have to talk to my brother about it. See if he wants everyone to know how shitty out parents are.”

Mr. Tesla nodded. “We’ll give you sometime to do that. Just call or text your coach when you’ve made a decision and we’ll come back in and talk about what exactly to say.”

“Thank you” Sirius thanked him.

They stood and left the room.

“Merde, I don’t have my phone”

“Here” Remus pulled it out of his pocket. “Grabbed it from your bag.”

“I love you” Sirius smiled, leaning over and kissing him.

“I love you too. Now call your brother.”

@lumosinlove

[thedreadvampy]

after the cbt post I'm really unsure if I even want to apply for counselling now

the whole point of looking for therapy was to get help but if it makes things worse then maybe I should just carry on trying to do it myself?

I don't fuckin know

that was meant to be my out for feeling like this what the fuck do I do now

Like. First off this is about CBT, not about counseling generally, which has been really useful once I've found the right process. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but while accessing NHS counseling hasn't always been easy and it took a while to find the right fit, when I did get a counselor and approach that fit my needs it jumped my healing forwards by miles, it really can be a lifesaver (plus tbh if you're really deep in the doldrums, it can help just by giving you some structure and space). Don't stop looking for counseling because it absolutely can make a huge positive difference, I don't know where I'd be without the counseling I got from the rape crisis center and the NHS. There's a lot of types of therapy/counselling out there and what works for you isn't something I can predict - for me what I've reacted to best is freeform talk therapy, but other people find that really hard to engage with and prefer more structured or theoretical therapies, and the NHS offer a lot of different ones (they just tend to jump to CBT first).

So, beyond that; some people do find CBT really helpful. But the way the NHS specifically uses CBT is outside its recommended use, which is treatment for OCD, BPD, anxiety and some PTSD symptoms (although not PTSD itself). The NHS basically uses it as a first stop for pretty much all mental health patients as far as I can tell (because, as I say, it's cheap and easy to apply) so, much like most people with MH problems I know have been on Citalopram (which is their first stop SSRI), most people I know with MH problems have been to CBT sessions. And with that range of problems, most of them won't find what they need in CBT, which, again, despite how it's currently used, is not designed as a general purpose treatment but specifically to help manage repetitive thought and behaviour patterns.

For some people, managing thought and behaviour patterns is what they need, at least temporarily. My partner found it very helpful to keep him out of breakdown territory during a hard time, and so have several friends I know (seems to have positive impacts particularly on friends diagnosed with BPD bc BPD diagnostic criteria, which focus on intense reaction and toxic thought spirals, line up really well with what CBT is designed to help with).

I think the way in which it's harmed me and others isn't the actual treatment, but the fact that it's treated as if it Should Work and that can make you feel way worse if everyone tells you 'CBT and mindfulness is a magic cure that fixes all your brain problems' and then it. doesn't. because your specific problem isn't what is designed to fix. and I think that harm is mitigated by knowing that a) what works for you is highly personal even within diagnoses, b) at the time you get CBT you probably don't have a concrete diagnosis beyond Something Ain't Right and c) CBT, even when it's right for you, isn't meant to be the end point.

CBT is, specifically, a stop-gap. It's meant to help you keep going with your life while you sort stuff out. Again, because of budget reasons the NHS kind of hope that your problems won't be too bad so that CBT will give you a good enough stable starting point to sort your own shit out without further support, which does work for some people, but for most of us CBT should be part of a larger treatment journey if used at all. CBT is a bandage - it doesn't close the wound, but where it works it stops you bleeding out long enough to either get to a hospital or for your body to heal itself.

I'm not going to lie to you - for a lot of us, getting through to the point where we're accessing the right treatment can be a slog. And because of how the NHS works, it can mean going to CBT, finding it doesn't work for you, and gritting your teeth through a six session course so you can go back to your doctor and say 'see, this didn't work for me and the CBT people agree, what else ya got?' My partner's just sat through 14 sessions of group therapy he found extremely stupidly designed specifically because sometimes that's what you gotta do to get referred on for one-on-one talk therapy, which is what he actually needs.

Like I say, the harm comes when you're made to feel like you're failing therapy. You don't fail therapy. Therapy that isn't working just isn't the right setup for you for whatever reason and that's not a flaw in you, there is no universal catchall therapeutic method. It's always going to be trial and error and if you are able to hold in mind that you're not Bad for finding a counseling style or methodology unhelpful, off-putting or alienating, then badly-fitted therapy shouldn't be nearly as harmful as trying to struggle on manfully alone.

The hardest but most rewarding part for me was the process of learning that I could just say 'this isn't working for me because XYZ, can we try a different approach' and...nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't lose my access to counseling and nobody shouted at me, and when I said 'this isn't working can we change it'...things got better. I was having an absolutely shit and frustrating time with my NHS counselor, I was finding going to counseling a huge stress, and after stewing for a couple of weeks I blew up and said 'I don't like this, this or this, I feel talked down to when you do this, I don't feel like you're listening to me about this, and this thing you're doing keeps making me feel worse' and he got defensive. but he also. changed his practise immediately. and we ended up having a really fantastic and productive 6 months of counseling and I am in private therapy now but I keep referring back to the work he and I did together because it was so useful for me.

So like the takeaways for me are a) know that the fact that this counseling might suck for you doesn't mean counseling in general won't be helpful, there's always going to be some trial and error to find the right fit, b) if it does suck, don't suffer in silence, tell them! if you're sitting there hating it, they're not getting anything out of that either so just let them know that you're uncomfortable, finding it hard to engage, etc (I know this can be really hard and I know for me I only started being able to push back when I was already a couple of years into my treatment journey but do what you can do to communicate your fears) and c) when it works it works.

Getting counseling that works is a journey. It can be wearing and esoteric and a pain in the ass, and sometimes you just don't click with a therapy and sometimes you just don't click with the counselor, but it is absolutely worth pushing through the bullshit because a) change often happens gradually while you're not looking and b) finding a concept who works for you absolutely can change your life super fast. It took me a couple of tries but when I found a counselor and approach that worked for me I managed within 16 sessions to get out of my house, to get a job I liked for the first time, to go out and meet people for the first time in a city I'd been in for 3 years, and to cut out a lot of the people who were making my life unsafe. It's so worth it but it is a journey that takes time and trial and error, so the sooner you start the sooner you're likely to get somewhere that helps you.

[benreys-realm]

Chapter 5: Confrontation

Before Gordon knew what was happening, he found himself sitting in a pristine looking office. The room was expertly tidy, not a single item out of place. It looked almost like the office of a president or something, spotless, expensive, perfect. It actually made Gordon’s jaw drop a bit, glancing around the room. Even now sitting in that chair, he debated if he should stand, due to the fact that he probably couldn’t afford to replace it even if he got his doctorate, and worked the rest of his life till the day he died. Just for the chair... And the fact about how badly he was SWEATING in it.

There was nervous fidgeting, while the ticking of the clock that hung on the wall in front f him counted the painful seconds that passed. This was SO uncomfortable... The chair behind the massive oak wood desk was turned facing away from him. Presumably, G-Man was sitting in it... Oh god... he messed up so bad... Could they actually... KILL HIM?! That thought got Gordon to panic a bit, and he let out a loud squeak as the chair turned around slowly.

The angry expression that greeted him made him gulp loudly. Oh shit.. that guard was not kidding... For a moment, there is an uncomfortable tension, before G-Man sighs loudly and glances at Gordon sadly. To Gordon’s shock, he.. didn’t look angry... he looked... sad. Remorseful. What... why.. The trains with his thoughts quickly flew off the rails and crashed in a heap of flaming junk at the bottom of a cliff as G-Man spoke.

“Gordon l.... This is incredibly stressful and difficult, I cannot stress this enough. I realize that... BENRY is important to you, but I assure you, he is technically only a toddler right now. Once he grows older, he will change... drastically. His cute cuddly nature and appearance will... become something extremely deadly. Unfortunately, he will not be able to control himself... and if he is let loose on the world, we would have no choice but to end him, permanently. For now, he is in his teen years, but... very soon you will lose the Benry you know and love. And he may end up killing you... by accident. Or Tommy, for that matter. Do you think I want my son to die because I let him run off with a monster?! Do you think I enjoy what I must do to keep everyone safe?” G-Man snaps, his voice suddenly very terse and cold.

The tone actually made Gordon sink back into his chair, biting his lip. How... how much of that is true...? Was he lying...? What if he was right...? And.... people got hurt because of them...? Because of him? Or if they hurt Benry... Gordon says nothing, and finally glares at G-Man.

“Prove it.” Gordon says, his voice firm. “How can you tell me he is like that if all he has known is being kept as a monster and a prisoner? Like Tommy said, you’re CREATING a monster! You don’t have proof, do you?!” Gordon snaps, arms folding. With a loud and slow sigh. G-Man nods once.

“So be it, Mr. Freeman. I warn you, the road you are taking very well could lead to you losing everything you love. Once he grows old enough, he will eventually become a lot more hostile and aggressive. A perfect predator, in essence. He has already shown signs of following his instincts, hence why he now has no claws..”

“So you’re admitting you cruelly cut off his claws , and made it so he can’t regenerate them? I know he could but those scars are cybernetic implants, aren’t they? So he cannot simply replace them? I know what I saw. That’s pretty fucked up if you ask me... why his hands constantly hurt? I could tell, by the way he grips things, he tries his best to grip with his fingertips. It’s hard to notice, but if you know what to look for it’s easier than hell to read.” Gordon snaps angrily, acid dripping from his tone.

That comment made G-Man and Gordon lock eyes, both glaring daggers at one another. That stiff silence and tension grew much heavier. Not long after, Gordon swore gravity felt slightly heavier in the room. And, just as he blinked, he swore G-Man’s eyes were glowing. With a second blink, the gravity was normal again, no glowing eyes after that. A split second.... that was it... No more messed up games. Benry didn’t deserve this kind of treatment... W-... what did they do to Tommy then...?

Slowly, G-Man takes a long deep inhale before his arms move to rest his elbows on his desk, his hands and fingers intertwined with one another. Oh so carefully, G-Man studied Gordon’s face and body, as if checking for something... That made Gordon seethe as he clears his throat and makes a very snide comment.

“My eyes are up here, SIR.” He says, with a bit more volume at the end for extra snap. The comment makes G-Man’s eyes glow brightly, now looking pretty damn angry. That change in gravity became extremely heavy, and Gordon screamed and scrambled back, knocking over the chair he was sitting in and falling onto it painfully. For a long moment, there was a uneasy charge in the air... Like enegry, or electricity. Right before a lightning strike... it was extremely unnerving. The moment G-Man spoke made Gordon jump and scoot back a bit.

“MR... Freeman. You, are BRILLIANT, for a human.... YOUR AGE. But, your recklessness could cost you VERY DEARLY, if not someone else. You have NOT THE SLIGHTEST IDEA what the hell you are tampering with. Not with me, not with B-479, nothing. You have, absolutely no idea WHY he is here in the first place. You think he is a cute little animal? No, he is a being from outer space, and a extremely well known one for extremely aggressive behavior, and bloodlust. His species is incredibly intelligent, ruthless, brutal, and cruel. It is their nature.”

“Benry, was abandoned as a young... cub. A runt. It is customary that a weak link is to be left behind, if it can survive and prove itself worthy, the species will accept it. Benry, somehow wound up on earth. We still are not sure how fully HOW, but I suspect his parental figure decided to jump through portals and abandon the child in a place where they had a better chance of survival..” G-Man says, his eyes locked with Gordon’s.

There was a pause as G-Man figured Gordon’s tiny human brain needed time to process all that he just said. The shocked expression and stunned silence seemed to solidify that his hunch was indeed, correct. It took a lot to keep G-Man from rolling his eyes with a loud annoyed sigh. Dealing with lower IQ life forms was EXTREMELY taxing and tedious...

Much to his shock, Gordon seemed to pick up his... hint and tone and folds his arms across his chest fingers drumming. With an eyebrow raise, Gordon’s eyes narrowed a bit, challenging him. There was a slight deepening of G-Man’s frown, before he clears his throat slightly.

“I understand this situation does not exactly.. thrill you but I must ask you... LIMIT your contact with B-479... I cannot promise your safety the more attached you grow to it. Things will change, and rather abruptly, Mr. Freeman. Trust me, you will not like the changes. That sweet cuddly appearance may remain the same, but it what you cannot see that lies deep in its mind is what you need to fear... It will make sure to hurt you in ways that you cannot possibly fathom, and then watch you bleed out on the floor after it rips your heart out. Is that really a fate you think you can handle?” G-Man asks, his tone firm and unwavering.

A pause. It wasn’t hard to see the rigid change in Gordon’s body posture. Smell his fear... It... was delicious.... Watching his confidence and resolve crumble was undeniably satisfying, not that he had anything against poor Mr. Freeman, but his... Youth and arrogance will get him killed here. Best stamp it out and prevent another unnecessary death...

Despite it not being done by B-479 himself, there cannot be a repeat of the accident that happened 5 years ago. No, B-479 didn’t cause it, but it was done by another being within Black Mesa... One that is also off the Planet Xen, which B-479 originated. The humans may not know this, but G-Man is ALL TOO familiar with Xenians and their... ways.

It was best... to reduce the odds of the accident repeating itself rather than to cost another innocent man his life. Unfortunately, the alien that did end up killing someone is like a sub species of Benry’s own.... G-Man calls them Xenlings, to make things less complicated. Although the Xenians and Xenlings bicker and quarrel in extremely hostile and aggressive fights and battles, constantly trying to show which is superior.

Barbarians... Since B-479 is technically too closely related to this other alien, the chances of “Benry” being equally hostile and aggressive are too high. Simply, it was ingrained into him. A wolf cannot resist the urge to hunt and eat meat... Not will it ever succeed. The need, the urge is too strong. B-479 and X-358 were no different. Their instincts eventually will win over them. They always did.

There was a sudden stiff change in Gordon’s demeanor, his brows knitted together, as he gently rubbed his hand under his chin, thinking. This made G-Man stare a bit, before raising an eyebrow. The smile that crept across his face made G-Man actually jump. That, was not expected. With a slight flicker of annoyance in his tone, he leaned back in his comfortable office chair, waiting for Gordon to speak.

“Well... there’s a way we can both win. A way that I basically run the risk and you avoid liability through paperwork and shit, and I work for you. As Benry’s MAIN caretaker. While I continue to study for my doctorates... I remain here, in Black Mesa, working with and socializing Benry... you don’t run the risk of lawsuits, you get the intern and I get to care and stay with him, full time. If not, I can... Seek employment elsewhere.... There are plenty of other places that would be BEGGING to have me work for them.. I do have other options, G-Man sir...”

That comment just about made G-Man nearly flip the desk. Slowly, very calmly, he took a few deep breaths and leaned back, with a soft sigh.

“Mr... Freeman... I don’t think you understand how... DEEP you are already involved in this.. situation... You’re in deeper than your neck, the moment you came into contact with.... B-479 immediately made you... a risk. Unfortunately, loose ends here, typically get CUT OFF... if you catch my drift... It’s amusing you think you hold so much sway over such a situation... it’s, humorous... but alas, you’re proving to be more and more of a risk than a benefit... it sure would be shame if... something were to happen to B-479... if you didn’t cooperate, isn’t it?” He says softly, staring right at Gordon who seems to shrink before his eyes.

“Y-you wouldn’t.... f... fine... can I please... I want to be with him.... I won’t... fight you on this... can I please... be his caretaker... I won’t leave this place... I don’t have anything left in the outside world... I didn’t have anything there at all... I’ll do what you want, just please... let me see him... he’s the only person I have who actually cares about me... even if you can’t understand that... ” Gordon says, now sweating noticeably. The tone of Gordon’s voice was submissive, but held a slight firmness to it.

The comments earned a squint from G-Man, who just sat there and stared for a long time. Eventually, he sat up and nods once, an annoyed expression on his face.

“So be it. You’ll have to undergo training and such, and you’re 100% responsible for that beast. Your safety is now in your own hands, and you’re no longer a liability, being a caretaker is extremely difficult taxing and dangerous. You seem to put a dangerous amount of faith in that beast. I pray it won’t end in your funeral, Mr. Freeman. You’ll live here, and your job along with Tommy and Mr. Calhoun is the raising and care of B-479... AND you continue for your doctorates on top of this all... anything, ANYTHING happens, under your care of him, this will end with your head rolling, do you understand?” G-Man eyes, eyes glowing brightly, as he slowly stands up, holding a hand out to Gordon.

A pause. For whatever reason, his mind screamed to not accept. Something felt so wrong, so unsure. Like taking this jump would be the biggest mistake of his life... But... at the same time, his heart fluttered, being able to remain super close to Benry... Yes he did only meet him, but... Seeing how... vulnerable Benry was made something in Gordon want to protect him, be there and comfort him like he did for him when he needed it... without a second thought, Gordon grabs G-Man’s hand, firmly shaking it.

“Deal.” Is all Gordon said, as he and G-Man locked eyes, both challenging the others resolve. As they shook hands, G-Man smiles faintly, eyes and now hand glowing brightly.

“Welcome to Black Mesa, Mr. Freeman...” G-Man says, with a slight smirk.

... *Several weeks later* ...

Finally... after freaking weeks of endles training courses, so many damn hurdles and PILES of paperwork he had to do, Gordon finished. It had taken an absurdly long time, but he finally completed it, and passed each and every test with flying colors. As expected! Duh. With a pep in his step, Gordon waltzed his way down the halls and made his way slowly but surely to Benry’s cell.

From what he was told, he was given the option to live extremely close to Benry... Gordon refused, and insisted he remain close(r) with Benry, as in rooming together. Easier to socialize if you’re constantly with someone, right? Plus, Tommy and Barney were supposed to be there. With a mini victory dance, Gordon ran the last leg of the trip to Benry’s cell, literally bursting at the seams with excitement. As expected, both Tommy and Barney were waiting anxiously outside of the door, seeming uneasy. That made Gordon pause, and glanced nervously between the two.

“Hey guys.... is... something wrong?” Gordon asks, looking around. The two exchanged glances, before looking at Gordon again. Judging from how Barney was shifting uneasily and Tommy was trying his best to avoiding looking directly at Gordon, something did happen.

“Uh... Gord’n... Benry had uhm... Uh.... hit a bit of a growth spurt... he’s uhm... CHANGED A UHM... bit... kinda uh.... grew some new features too... about gave me a heart attack.... not what I was expecting...” Barney says wearily, looking sheepish.

“Uhm... Mr. Freeman... it’s been discovered that Benry is very capable of altering his physical body and such, so his uhm, body had been changing a lot... He can easily hide them away and such but... PLEASE try not to stare too long... it makes him extremely upset...” Tommy pleads, rubbing his arms nervously. “This is all hard for him, it’s like puberty for him... so he’s going through changes and he feels extremely insecure about himself.. poor thing... we’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t want to... says he’s a monster and such and won’t let us near... can you join us and try talking to him...?” Tommy asks, his voice shaking a bit.

There wasn’t a moments hesitation, which made Barney and Tommy perk up a bit. “Of course ... he needs us to cheer him up so let’s go give him some good news huh?” Gordon says, smiling gently as he approached the door and grabs the handle. Both Barney and Tommy seemed to stiffen as he did so, but Gordon already opened the door. Everything in Gordon’s features changed, his face expression dropping and his eyes widened. Wow... he wasn’t expecting that kind of changes.... that... was unexpected... This was quite a change Gordon was not exactly prepared for....

[artificialqueens]

Taste of a Poison Paradise, Chapter 6 (Multi) - Joley

Chapter Summary: Lemon continues to cope poorly, Brooke Lynn, Kameron, and Vanessa realize that love triangles are out and triads are in, Nicky surprises Jan with a travel proposal, Jackie gets invested in Jaida’s OnlyFans, and Gigi is dealing with some unwanted attention (TW for mentions of stalking and sexual harassment).

ao3 link

Jan watched as Lemon packed her suitcases. “Maybe we should let the lease expire,” she remarked, hoping that distracting her friend with mundane conversation would keep her from getting upset again. “If you’re gonna stay with Rosé, and I stay at Nicky’s most of the time, it doesn’t make sense to keep paying for this place. And like, you’re always welcome to stay with us too, if you want.”

“No offense, but I don’t really wanna be around your beautiful, blossoming romance any more than I have to be. Also, don’t you think you guys are moving a little fast? I mean, it’s been like… a month. Vanjie’s a nut but even she waited a solid three months before rolling out the u-haul,” Lemon replied, throwing her body onto the suitcase to get it to close.

“You’re not wrong,” she conceded. “But her place is gorgeous, you can’t blame me for wanting to just stay there and get fucked for hours on end.”

She rolled her eyes but nodded. She couldn’t complain because she was the one that brought it up, but hearing how perfect things were for Jan and Nicky made her seethe with envy. “Guess we’ll just have to see if you guys can still stand each other once the honeymoon phase is over.”

Jan frowned. “Okay, I’m not gonna take that personally because I know you’re going through a hard time right now,” she murmured. “Is that everything?”

“Yep,” Lemon mumbled as she got up and dragged her suitcases to the front door. She then stopped and rifled through her purse, pulling out a flask and taking a swig, then offered it out to Jan.

“No thanks, not really up for day drinking today,” she said, then leaned over and sniffed the opening of the flask. “Is that straight vodka?”

She shook her head. “There’s sprite in there too,” she assured.

Again, Jan chose not to argue with her. She knew her friend was hurting and she hoped the worst of it would pass once she got settled in with Rosé. “Let’s get going,” she sighed.

Once Rosé had officially taken Lemon in, Jan’s nerves eased up, but her concern hadn’t. “I think this is the best place for her to be right now. Make sure she doesn’t fall off with her coursework, okay? This is her last semester and I’d hate for this to derail her entirely and–”

“Jan,” Rosé put her hand on her shoulders to try to focus her attention. “Breathe, baby. I love your love for her, but you don’t have to be her mom. I got it from here.”

Jan nodded, taking a deep breath in an attempt to quell the remaining concerns. “Okay, I’m good,” she told her. “How are you, by the way? Things going well with Denali?”

“Yeah, there’s not much to report,” she shrugged. “We’re just sleeping together, and neither of us has a boyfriend so there’s no downside.”

“You say that now.”

——-

Brooke Lynn sat in an uncomfortable silence of her own creation, her gaze fixed down on her plate. It was so much easier talking to Kameron when Vanessa was sandwiched between them – being alone with her made her feel exposed.

“I’m not trying to take Vanessa from you,” Kameron bluntly broke the silence. “I like her, I like spending time with her – with both of you – but I’m not interested in creating drama.”

She blinked, taking in what she’d said. Had she come off as threatened? Jealous? She supposed it wasn’t the most outlandish thought. “No, no it’s not like that. I trust Vanjie and I trust you. I’m just still kind of new to the world of relationships, let alone serious ones, you know?”

Much to her relief, Kameron nodded in understanding. “Listen, I get it. If you don’t have a lot of dating experience, someone like Vanjie can be… a lot. But I know you guys love each other, though I’m not gonna sit here and claim that I don’t have any feelings for either of you… I can get a little clingy after sex, what can I say?”

Brooke bit her lip and looked down. “I can’t say I expected this, but I’m not complaining,” she told her. “And I know you haven’t told Vanj yet, or I’d have already heard about it.

“I kind of figured you’d be a tougher nut to crack,” she admitted, rubbing the back of her neck. “I mean, I’m not oblivious, I know you weren’t thrilled with the whole open relationship thing at first.”

“You’re right,” she conceded. “But I’ve honestly warmed up to it… I’ve warmed up to you, anyway.” She pressed her lips together as she thought. “I think the three of us should talk. Because I don’t think she ever wanted an open relationship, she just wanted you. And I don’t blame her.”

Kameron arched her brow, a slight smirk tugging at her lips. “So, what, you’re thinking of trying a throuple situation?”

Brooke smiled and shrugged. “I think it’s an option worth considering.”

But to consider it properly, they did need Vanessa. So, once they were all together in their apartment, they opened the floor. “I think it’s a damn good idea,” Vanessa started. “Can’t believe it took us this long to think of it.”

The other two girls laughed. “I think we were expecting that answer,” Brooke told her. “I don’t think any of us are opposed to it, it’s more about working out the details. For example… Do we move Kameron in with us? I feel like it’s a bit awkward to have two-thirds of a throuple living together with the third somewhere else.”

“I’m not about to say no to not having to pay rent,” Kameron laughed lightly. “I rent month to month, so I just have to be out by the end of it,” she explained. “And besides, if I get sick of you guys, I could just crash in the guest room. Which, by the way, is like half of my entire apartment.”

“This feels like a business transaction,” Vanessa remarked, a bit of an annoyed whine in her voice.

“You know what they say, baby,” Brooke hummed, “business before pleasure.”

——

“Would you like to come with me to Paris?” Nicky asked as she laid in bed with Jan. “I’m going over there for a long weekend and I think you could use a little holiday.”

Jan beamed brightly and nodded. “Yeah, that sounds like fun. What’s the occasion?”

There was a hesitation before her reply that wasn’t lost on Jan. “I try to go and check in on my mother now and then. But I don’t want to trouble you with that, there’s plenty of things to do and–”

“Do you not want me to meet your mom?”

Nicky quickly shook her head. “It isn’t that. It’s just… I have never brought a girl to meet her before. She means well, usually, but she can be… judgmental. I don’t think she ever fully came to terms with having a gay daughter. It is like… she loves me, but not who I am.”

“And her gay daughter bringing home a stripper would give her an aneurism?”

“This isn’t about what you do, Jan,” she insisted, “she’d react all the same if you were a doctor or a lawyer or the fucking president. But I mean, come on, what do your parents think you do for a living?”

Jan frowned and crossed her arms. “They know I’m still trying to find acting work during the day, and they know I work at the club at night… They just think I’m a waitress.”

“You guys do not have waitresses.”

“But they don’t know that!” she pointed out, then quietly followed up with, “I get it, whatever, forget I said anything.”

Nicky sighed and sat up, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Do you want to meet my mother that badly?”

This time, it was Jan who hesitated as she thought for a moment. “I mean, I don’t wanna make things more difficult or stressful for you…”

She reached out and took her hand, squeezing gently. “Come with me, we will burn the bridge after we cross it. But I need you to understand that I am not ashamed of you, okay? Not at all.”

Jan smiled softly, picking her head up and resting it on Nicky’s shoulder. Ever since she had started working at the club, she had made a promise to herself to never date anyone that made her question her self-worth. Truth be told, if her parents ever found out about her career, their response wouldn’t be one of anger, it would be pity. They would take her in, give her money, treat her like a poor, lost soul that needed to be put on the right path. And to her, that was so much worse. “I have always wanted to go to Paris.”

——

Having consciously been in the closet since she was sixteen, Jackie was well adept at keeping secrets. But this time, keeping a secret felt so much more difficult, because it involved more than just herself. And as inconsequential as the secret may be in theory, it weighed heavily on her conscience.

She had waited a couple of days before creating an account to subscribe to Jaida’s OnlyFans, lest it look suspicious. But once she was in, she was checking her page almost obsessively. Sure, she had seen Jaida in every state of undress, but this was different, more intimate. It came with the territory, but seeing Jaida’s body in ways she had only fantasized about drove her wild.

Then she decided to get bold.

Maybe it was the extra glass of wine, maybe it was an overwhelming bout of horniness. But something compelled her to send Jaida a private message, happy to pay the five-dollar fee.

NYCdude1985: Hi, do you take requests for personalized videos? How much does it cost?

Jaida: As in you want me to moan your name while I touch myself? Yeah, I do thirty-second clips for $20.

NYCdude1985: Done. My name is Jack. But I go by Jackie, so use that.

NYCdude1985: Please, sorry.

Jaida chuckled softly as she read the messages. Even through the brief exchange, she could sense Jackie’s anxiety, the trepidation she had. She found it endearing and she was proud of her for being brave enough to take that step, even if it was under a rather uncreative screen name.

How had she known it was Jackie? It was a simple oversight on Jackie’s end - she had left her laptop open in her office, where the girls would frequently enter if they needed to refill the snack shelves or replenish the bathrooms. Jaida had merely gone to see if she had any extra zebra cakes when she noticed the tab in the upper-left corner of her browser. Suddenly, snacks were the last thing on her mind.

And she had considered bringing it up to her but realized it would do more harm than good. Instead, she would give Jackie exactly what she wanted. She filmed herself rubbing her clit while she moaned Jackie’s name. She didn’t bother timing it, she decided she was going to give her the whole thing, start to finish. Her gaze fixed on the camera, wanting Jackie to feel like she was looking right at her.

When Jackie watched it, she felt the intensity. Her heart pounded in her chest, she couldn’t even touch herself the first time she watched it, so utterly fixated on how Jaida’s body moved, how her name sounded spilling from her lips, how desperately she wanted it to be for real. She had to consciously get herself to get off during her second watch-through, though she was actively imagining being there with Jaida, with her head between her thighs, eliciting those moans herself.

“I have to tell her,” Jackie said to Nicky the next day. The two of them had formed a friendship since Nicky first arrived, Nicky, finding comfort in a fellow French speaker and Jackie appreciating having a confidant. “It’s gonna eat me alive until I do.”

“You should tell her,” Nicky replied as she took a hit off her vape. “You said it yourself, it is the only way you are going to feel any better. Besides, what is the worst thing that could happen?”

Jackie looked at her as if she’d sprouted another head. “I lose a close friend and incredible employee, not to mention the potential ethical ramifications of buying porn from an employee.”

Nicky tilted her head, thinking, before asking, “est ce que tu l'aimes?”

Her eyes went wide and her face went red at the question, at the mere suggestion. “Je ne pense pas pouvoir dire que… l'amour est un mot si fort.”

“Maybe so,” she conceded, “but consider that you could not say ‘no’.”

“I’d rather not,” Jackie chuckled dryly. “Listen, I gotta send some business emails out before the girls start coming in. You should go pack for your little getaway tomorrow.”

Nicky nodded and kissed the top of her head. “I will bring you back a souvenir.”

Jackie wasn’t left alone with her thoughts for long, not a minute after she finished her emails, she looked up to see Gigi walking in and sitting down on one of the chairs. But what caught her attention was their body language – they were looking down, fiddling with their hair, and swinging their legs. “What’s wrong, Geege?”

Gigi sighed and looked up. “Okay, like, this is stupid and whatever, but Crystal thinks I should tell you that I think a client I had a couple of weeks ago is stalking me. I made a composite sketch,” they explained, opening their messenger bag and pulling out a piece of paper. “Do you think if I give this to Kameron, she could make sure he stays out?”

“Gigi,” she said firmly, “that isn’t stupid at all. This is serious. Did he hurt you? What happened?”

They groaned, knowing this would happen despite any attempt to avoid triggering Jackie’s maternal instinct. “He kept asking about the VIP room and I decided I could use the extra cash. So, we were in there and I told him I’d give him a handy and he was like, okay cool. But after he paid for that he kept trying for more and was being really creepy about it, so, I left. He just… really didn’t like that I blew him off instead of blowing him. He found me on Instagram and started harassing me there, kept making fake accounts after I blocked them and he figured out where I go to school.”

Jackie’s eyes widened in horror. “Geege, this isn’t a matter for Kameron, it’s for the police.”

“But I hate the police,” they crossed their arms and whined.

“We all hate the police, but this is a serious safety risk. Kameron can’t follow you everywhere to keep him away. I need to know that he won’t get the opportunity to hurt you.”

Gigi sighed, chewing on their lip. “I don’t wanna give him that power over me, I don’t even wanna waste the time or energy,” they explained. “But fine, just for you though, okay?”

Jackie smiled graciously. “Thanks, kiddo.”

After Jackie had taken Gigi to file the report, she had offered them the night off, but Gigi defiantly insisted on performing, though after one set, they found themself tired, laying on the common room couch.

Jan sat cross-legged on the floor beside them. “You know, gorge, it’s okay to not be okay. That asshole put you through a lot. I had to take off a week after… you know, the incident. We’re in an industry that can attract real creeps, we gotta put our mental health first.”

Gigi shook their head. “Your incident was different, it got physical. The only time this guy touched me was to try to push down on the back of my head.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Denali chimed in, sitting on the arm of the couch. “It’s about boundaries. You made yours clear and he kept crossing them. And you don’t know what this dude is capable of, any of us would be scared in that position. I’ve dealt with a stalker too – he never touched me, but I sure as fuck didn’t feel safe.”

“I just don’t see the point in dwelling on it. Feeling shitty about it isn’t gonna make it go away,” they replied.

Jan frowned, putting her hand on top of Gigi’s and squeezing gently. “It’s not healthy to ignore your feelings either way. It’s better to work through it than let it manifest into some nasty shit.”

“Who gives a fuck about feelings?” The three of them looked over to see Lemon stumbling into the common room, setting a freshly-emptied glass on the counter. “And who gives a fuck about men? All they do is get in the way and think the world revolves around their ugly dicks,” she ranted, a bit of slurring in her voice.

“Speaking of what happens when you ignore your feelings,” Jan muttered under her breath, then turned to face Lemon. “You’re not getting back on the pole tonight, are you?”

Lemon furrowed her brows. “Why wouldn’t I? I still have one more set,” she scoffed. But when she started to walk towards the other dancers, she stumbled, nearly losing her balance on her already precarious six-inch heels.

Denali and Jan exchanged concerned expressions. “I’ll call Rosie to come and get her,” she said before Jan could suggest it, turning on her heel and going to get her phone from her locker.

Gigi, meanwhile, nearly got whiplash from how fast their head moved back and forth from Jan and Denali to Lemon. “You know,” they said to Jan, “maybe I should start working through my feelings. Even therapy seems like a better alternative to…” they gestured to Lemon, “that.”

“As her friend, I feel like I need to intervene, but I think anything short of breaking up Pri and her fiancé is going to be a waste of time,” Jan mused as she watched her sit on the floor and struggle to take her heels off, cursing and whining quietly. “Something tells me things are gonna get worse before they get better.”

“Maybe,” they shrugged. “Lemon’s stubborn and possibly a little unstable… she might need to hit rock