#employer fucked up my contract so i can't work today

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for not sealing a box correctly?

So, I started working for a shady company recently. I didn't really want to work here, but they paid us really well for some reason? Anyways. My employers told me that they have a manual and encyclopedia for the job, but it's like, 1k pages long. For both. I really couldn't be bothered to read it, so I skipped it.

Part of the job is collecting energy, and the energy is made from these big boxes/containers in the facility. I don't know what's in these boxes, but the veteran employees have STRONGLY advised not to look into them unless you have clearance LVL 3 or more. So, I've never really bothered with them.

So, earlier today I was tasked with transporting one of these boxes to the Control Unit. On the box it said something along the lines of "... Bird", and I didn't think it'd be a problem because that's what our manager ordered. I also saw that it was partially unsealed, but I thought the guys who were picking it up would be chill with it and seal it for me since I don't have my tools on me.

However, when I handed off the box to the veterans, they were like "wait a minute, we already have two of these guys" and they started panicking for some reason. I was like "well dang, can't you just return the package?" and they looked at me really funny.

They told me to go tell the manager, and I thought it was weird but I went. I told the manager that there were already two of these packages, and he was like "oh it'll be fine as long as they're sealed so they can't break out" and I was like "excuse me? what?" and then I realized that I really should've read the manual.

First of all, the "boxes" I was talking about earlier are actually containment units that contain monsters(?). Second, these monsters are very prone to killing people. Third, these three aforementioned bird-monsters are prone to escaping at the same time, and guess who didn't seal one of their boxes correctly?

So, we've got three dangerous monsters running around the facility at the same time. That wouldn't be so bad if these three monsters didn't merge into one giant monster that, to EVERYONE'S knowledge, cannot be injured or contained at all. Fuck.

Everyone is freaking out and some people are trying to run, but our manager put the whole place on lock down so we can't leave. We're all gonna die here. I'm in a room with some other poor guys and we've barricaded the doors, but I don't think that's gonna help us.

I guess my question isn't "oh shit am I a bad person for not knowing things that the veterans and manager did", it's more like "could I have prevented this with my limited knowledge and actually sealed the box before any of this happened?"

I don't think I'm gonna live long enough to see the results, but I will leave you with some takeaways before I die:

Go with your gut and nope outta there if the job seems sketchy.

Ask questions about the job and read employee reviews (If applicable.)

Read the NDA / contract thoroughly before you start working.

Read the employee handbook / manual before you start working.

Seal your boxes and containment units correctly, and always double-check them too.

For the love of God, don't work fo

[thicctails]

><((((º>‿︵‿︵‿︵Undercurrent‿︵‿︵‿︵<º))))><

A Merformers x Reader Fanfiction

Chapter 2 ° Coastguard

Blessed be Randy the coffee machine, your holy god of caffeine. May His hazel liquid flow eternally into graceous Bartholomew, vessel of Randy's divine lifeblood; discount noname brand coffee that had expired last week.

Taking another sip of your beloved breakfast drink, you forced yourself to walk towards the greeting area of your clinic, praying to any deity that was listening that you looked at least passably presentable. You'd taken far longer to pull yourself away from the tender embrace of your nearly flat air mattress than you should have, and both your nerves and back were paying for it.

The head researcher of A.E.R.O. was meeting with you today to discuss your collaboration effort with them, and finally tell you exactly what species you'd be getting to work with. You hoped it would be something exciting, like sharks, dolphins, whales, or nudibranchs.

Taking a shaky breath, you shoved your anxiety down into the pit of your gut where it could, hopefully, only be noticed by you as your hand grasped the handle of the door. You pulled, ready to take the first proper step towards your new life.

Ka-thunk!

Ah. It was a push door.

Willing the colour that had suddenly flooded your cheeks to kindly fuck off, you meekly pushed the door open.

A man was standing in the main entrance room, leaning against Desk the desk and scrolling through something on his phone. He was dressed fairly casual for someone in his position, sporting tan cargo shorts, a forest green t-shirt, and a black lab coat, his company's acronym emblazoned in crisp vinyl across his breast pocket. He had tousled light brown hair and deep brown eyes that were framed by square glasses. At the sound of your approach, he lifted his gaze from his cellphone and gave you a warm smile, pocketing the device and turning his body towards you.

"Doctor L/N! It's nice to finally meet you!" he greeted, extending his hand to you. "My name is Dr. Burns, but please, just call me Graham."

Though it had been difficult to tell sometimes, you had not actually been raised by a pack of rabid wolves, so you returned the gesture, gripping the man's hand and giving it a shake.

"It's a pleasure to acquatence your make."

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey, God? Could you do a little smiting? Yeah, right here please.

"I- I'm so sorry, I swear I didn't mean to say that." You managed to get out, almost shocked that you hadn't fucked that sentence up as well.

Breaking News! Local PhD holder flubbs basic greeting! Becomes World Champion speedrunner for ruining first impressions and instantly loses any chance of being considered for further employment and any shred of respect this man had for them!

"It's fine. Honestly, I was just as nervous as you when I first started." Graham laughed, startling you out of your own mental spiral, "I was so preoccupied with my own worries that I tripped and fell face first into a pool on my first day."

You stared at Graham for a moment, stunned that he was still talking to by choice and not out of obligation, before a small, strangled chuckle left your throat, sounding more like the dying squak of a strangled seabird than a laugh.

"Come on, the rest of the team is waiting for us in town." the brunette said, gesturing for you to follow him.

You arched a brow but obediently followed after him, trailing after the researcher like a duckling waddling after a pair of boots.

"Oh? I was under the impression this meeting was to discuss my contract." you replied, trying to scrape together a professional-ish sentence while simultaneously praying that you weren't coming off as rude.

"It is, but once everyone got wind that we would be working with someone new, they got a little," he paused, hand waving about as he searched for the right word, "excited. It's been a while since anyone besides Marissa worked close enough for us to talk to them on a semi-regular basis."

"Can't wait to meet them!" you said cheerfully, lying through your teeth.

The idea of having to interact with another human being today had been draining enough, but to have to converse with several? When their opinions of you could impact your career?

Your hands twitched around Bartholomew's smooth, ceramic body, wishing you'd added a few ounces of pure caffeine to your coffee. Maybe you'd get lucky and get struck by a bus.

Unfortunately, God wasn't known for being kind to you, so you arrived at a small diner completely unharmed.

The worn bell above the door dinged as you and Graham stepped inside, the smell of greasy fries and cheap burgers wafting all around you as he led you over to one of the booths, the cracked red leather seats occupied by three other people in various states of dress.

There was a younger woman with russet skin and shockingly red hair that was pulled back in a loose ponytail, a few hairclips keeping her bangs out of her bright blue eyes. She was dressed in a cream and light orange dress, matching knee-high boots complementing her outfit. She was scrolling on her phone, but put the device down when she noticed your approach.

Ah, the mortifying feeling of being known. It never failed to make you uncomfortable.

The other two, who were seemingly in the middle of seeing who could chug a milkshake faster, were men, light skinned and with almost identically brown hair. It was easy to pick them apart, though, seeing as one was built like a brick shithouse and looked as though he was cosplaying some strange cross between a soldier and a Ghostbuster, and the other was a twink that also happened to be absolutely rocking some sun-bleached overalls and a set of the most obnoxiously yellow rubber boots you'd ever seen in your entire life.

"Hey, dingbats!" the woman hissed, nudging her closest colleague, who happened to be the rubber boots guy, "The new vet is here!"

While the two guys attempted to swallow their drinks without getting a brain freeze, Graham gave you a somewhat sheepish smile. "Dr. L/N, I'd like to introduce you to Doctor Sari Sumdac, Doctor Spike Witwicky, and Doctor Blaine L. Parker."

"Mainframe." Blaine said, slamming his cup down with a satisfied sigh, "Call me Mainframe. Only my Mama calls me Blaine."

"I'm still good with Spike." the other man chimed in, extending his hand to you as you and Graham slid into the opposite booth seat. You shook it, quickly repeating the action with Sari and Mainframe.

"So, you're the new guy, eh?" Mainframe asked, "We've been waitn' for Marissa to finally pick someone. She's too picky, if you ask me."

"Not picky enough if she hired you." Sari shot back, and for a moment you stiffened, afraid you were about to have front row seats for a fight, but Mainframe's laughter and Sari's teasing expression quickly calmed your nerves. She looked back at you, her face taking on a more genuine look, "He's not wrong about us waiting, though. A.E.R.O. has been around for a few years now, but you're the first vet we've gotten assigned to work with us."

Your eyebrows shot up, mouth opening slightly in surprise before you remembered to shut it, "Really? Why?"

The gathered marine biologists looked at each other for a moment, before Spike leaned in closer to you. You matched his action, wondering what exactly he had to say.

"Did Marissa fill you in on what exactly A.E.R.O. means?" he asked in a low whisper.

You thought for a moment, then shook your head. Actually, your employer had told you very little, just enough to get you to sign a contract with her. You didn't regret your decision; anything would be better than the place you'd come from, but this secrecy did make you wonder what exactly you'd gotten yourself into.

"A.E.R.O.," Spike continued, "stands for Aquatic Extraterrestrial Research Outpost."

You blinked, leaning back as you turned over what Spike had just told you. Had you heard him correctly? No, surely not. Clearly you hadn't had enough coffee yet.

"I'm sorry," you apologized, chuckling a little "I must still be a bit groggy, because I thought you said extraterrestrial for a moment there."

The four shared another look, then once again focused their attention back on you.

"You heard correctly, Dr. L/N." Graham said, producing an envelope from the interior of his jacket. He quickly glanced around the diner, before sliding the envelope over to you. He continued speaking as you picked it up, hands shaking slightly.

"Five years ago, several objects from deep space suddenly entered our atmosphere and crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. It was presumed that they were abnormal meteors of some kind, but a government owned dive team discovered that they were actually pods of some kind, made of materials not found on Earth.

"They were empty by the time they were found, but not long after they were discovered and retrieved, strange signals began to be picked up by sonar sensors, and sailors around this area began to report seeing bizzare creatures swimming beneath their boats, some of them claiming that their vessels were attacked, which was corroborated by several documented cases of boats coming in with scratch marks on their hulls."

You opened the envelope and reached inside, withdrawing several polaroid photographs. Each one was of a different boat, ranging from dinky little sailboats to bulky fishing trawlers. However, they all shared one unique feature; a set of deep gouges that tore through wood and metal, left behind by something that had to be absolutely huge.

Well shit, slap a tinfoil hat on your head and call you a believer, because there wasn't much in the ocean that had claws to begin with, and certainly nothing with claws large enough to do that kind of damage.

As you began to tuck the photos back into the envelope, you noticed that one of them was drastically different. It was blurry, taken on the coast during what looked like a storm, but not even those hindrances could mask the appearance of the... thing that had been captured on camera.

It was big. Like, really big.

The closest thing you could compare it to would be some kind of whale, but it looked so wholly unlike any species you knew of that you immediately tossed that idea out the window. It had a long, silvery body, covered in large, armour-like scales that almost gave the appearance of it being segmented. Thick, spiny fins jutted out along most of its tail, purple webbing torn and ragged. It's upper half was obscured, as the creature was diving back down beneath the surface, but the very beginnings of its torso hadn't quite been submerged when the photo was taken, and you could see a long row of crimson gills that glowed in the moonless dark.

"What the fuck." you breathed out, shoving the photos back into the envelope before tossing it away from you like you were playing the world's strangest game of Hot Potato.

"Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction too." Sari said, picking up the envelope. "We've been calling that one 'The Meg', since you could almost mistake it for an overgrown shark, if you only caught a glimpse of it.

You pinched the bridge of your nose and groaned softly as you considered everything you'd just been told.

"Let me get this straight," you started slowly, dragging your hand down your face before resting it on your chin, "You and Marissa want me to find a way to study and treat a highly aggressive, barely studied, extremely dangerous alien, let me repeat that for you, alien species with no prior experience and, since you four work at a separate facility, no team?"

A pregnant silence met your question for a moment, before being broken by a very timid, very nervous "Yes?" from Graham, who was rubbing the back of his head.

You looked at him, looked at the rest of his team, looked at the exit of the diner, and considered your options; accept this batshit insane, borderline suicidal offer and risk getting torn limb from limb by sea monsters from beyond the stars, or move back in with your parents.

"Well Christ on a bike, sign me up." you replied, before snagging the nearby coffee pot and, after checking that it wouldn't give you third degree burns, chugged the whole damn thing, determined to get enough caffeine in your body to drown out that little voice in your head that alway nagged that you should have been a lawyer.

[zwiebelii]

Everyone, we're back to "I can't kill myself yet, I gotta know what happens in the next chapter of this manga" 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

Jokes aside, I was really looking forward to writing my Bachelor's thesis but I haven't even really started yet and everything is already awful???? I cannot even decide on a research gap. I'm like, at step -1. I thought maybe if I do my thesis with my employer instead it's gonna be easier, and also I was really motivated bc my colleagues really came in for me so I would be able to stay in their department and possibly have my contract renewed, but it's low-key going uhhhhhhh really fucking badly????? As soon as I think about work I feel like crying bc I still somehow feel like everyone hates me there. There is NO reason for me to think that way, most people are genuinely really nice to me and I'm doing my work well and everyone says so. But since I asked them if I could do my thesis with them I have to find a topic and I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! hell on earth hell on earth hell on earth

Plus when I asked my boss for a topic he just went. Yeah go ask your professor

And my professor did propose something, so today I had a meeting with my boss where I told him about it and uhhhh he wasn't too happy about it, so now I gotta start anew. And I just want to curl up in my bed or run really really far away and never go to work again. This is really really stupid and I know I'm being overdramatic and it's gonna turn out fine but I have this awful awful DREAD in my chest and I hate hate hate it.

On the upside, my parents are actually kinda supportive for once? As in, my mom is actually not pressuring me. I talked to her today and she seriously said "maybe you should let the whole thing rest for a month or so, and then in the middle of May you can come back to it, and maybe it's going to be easier to find a topic" and I'm??? Speechless honestly. My mom??? Telling me to REST??!!!?!?! I feel like the whole world is upside down

Also tomorrow I have a meeting with another department head where he's gonna give me some explanations on what he does and how I'm gonna be helping him in the next weeks/months, so maybe I can ask him for advice. I just hope it's not gonna be an online meeting bc I fucking hate those

Also I'm meeting up with my professor again on Tuesday, and I'll try asking him for general advice. But I'm gonna have to prepare emotionally for this bc otherwise I'm gonna start crying like a little bebe, and I don't want to cry in front of my professor bc that's really fucking embarrassing

Anyways tomorrow the raws for the next chapter of chou//jin x come out and I'm really hyped so I can't kill myself yet. Bye

[huenjin]

hold me down.

pairing – kim seungmin x reader | secretary!au

word count – 1634 words

ratings – 18+

genre – smut, includes grinding, creampie, slight overstimulation and dumbification (because i love it?), daddy kink, impregnation kink, size kink, bulge kink, office sex

"What are you doing, Y/N?" Seungmin's fingers tighten on the fake gold plated pen in his grip. "We're still in office."

"Yeah and," You push Seungmin back. The pen drops from his hand, falling onto the glass table and making a loud sound. His head falls against the soft rexine covered sofa in your office room. Your secretary, also your doting husband, groans as you climb on top of him, your leg swinging by the side as you sit on him, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your pencil skirt rides up and Seungmin's eyes trail your legs. "I run the company and it's already late so–" You drag your index finger over his shirt covered broad chest.

"Baby," Seungmin stresses. He tilts his face to look up at the surveillance cameras in the room. "Cameras and I have to finish going through these paper by today so that my boss," he raises an eyebrow at you, "–doesn't think I'm slacking just because I'm married to her."

"Well, your boss thinks you'd be doing your work even better if you just really listened to what she needed right now."

With a flick of your fingers hooking under his shirt, you tug open his shirt, a single button popping off the material as a result and Seungmin smiles. You press your lips against his chest, and mumble, "So please, Daddy. Do me, else I'll cut your pay."

"What a bad employer," he clicks his tongue. How was Seungmin expected to work in such a situation when his beautiful wife is on top of him, asking of him to have you in your very office. Something about it seemed so scandalous to him that it excites him way more than it should normally have.

"Don't care." You grind on his growing cock, your arms tightening over his neck. Seungmin holds your hips down onto him, helping you rub against him. You moan, voice airy as you inform him, "I got off once in the washroom at the sight of you rolling your sleeves and carrying those boxes into my office."

"You did what now, beautiful?" Seungmin stills your body, holding you fixed on his bulged length that stands through his pants. His eyes darkens and he feels you whimper in his hold. Seungmin has always found this reversal of roles enticing. The fact that you are this powerful CEO of one of the largest cosmetic companies in the country and that you are this dominating woman on the streets, conquering the market one by one and yet here you are – small in his hold and all his to have.

It is how he seems to cover your entire being. You pride yourself in being an average height for a woman but with Seungmin by your side, you seemingly become small by his side. Seungmin has to look down to talk to you, to keep a conversation.

"I couldn't help, daddy," you gasp, trying to move against him in hopes but your husband's large hands hold on to you, strongly. Seungmin's hand trails up your inner leg, fingers hasty to push your panties to the side. His fingers graze your wet lips, dragging residues or your last orgasm and your present arousal all over.

You're so small that it's fucking hot to Seungmin.

He can't help but fantasise about you. All these years, a ring to seal the deal and still he can't stop lusting after his wife. Of how short you are compared to him. Of how Seungmin can easily tower over you, as you look up at him with those innocent doe eyes of yours in the bed definitely turns him on. Of how a person of your size can command an entire room at the very same time. Of how he can hold onto your whole breast with those large hands of his as you moan and mewl on top of him as you are bouncing on his cock, begging for more. All while he uses you for a cocksleeve as he hoists you up and down just by using his bare hands to lift you.

Seungmin wants to do the same right now – to fuck your tiny being and to breed you.

"Baby, you're slopping wet." Your hand grips on the open ends of his shirt, trying to chase after his fingers. Seungmin kisses the side of your lips. "Should I just fuck you raw and stupid? Teach my baby girl to let her daddy work in peace?"

"Please do, daddy. Please. Fuck me stupid. Fuck me dumb."

Your fingers hastily move down to unbuckle his pants. You stand up slightly for Seungmin to pull himself up for you to pull his pants down, along with his boxers; his cock springs out, hot and angry, vein throbbing on the underside. You hold it in your hand, pumping it slowly. Positioning it, you lift your hips to angle it as Seungmin pushes your panties to the side and slowly, you drop your body to allow his cock to push into you.

"Fuck, daddy, you're so big," you groan, barely being able to let words out with the feeling of being stretched out by his cock. Seungmin doesn't let you adjust today. His large hands hold your acetabulum as he pulls you up only to bring you down, his hips thrusting into you. He plunges into you and you gush all over his cock, coating almost all of his length with your arousal. Seungmin is barely in but he is already hitting your spot, hot tip brushing against it vicariously that your hand moves up to hold your breast, softly hitting it over your clothing.

Seungmin thrusts into you again and his hand moves glides against your skin to press against your belly. He laughs, huskily and airy as he watches you squeeze his length. "Feel that, baby? Do you like feeling so fucking full and stretched out around my cock stuffed into you? What a pretty slut to call mine."

Seungmin's hands moved upwards to grab your clothes breasts, kneading it in his grip as he lets go of your hips. You bounce on his cock and Seungmin stares in fascination at how your breasts do the same, even in captive, both by your bra and his hands.

Your arms wrap around his neck once again as your walls squeeze around his cock, bouncing at a rapid pace to meet your end. Moans and loud unperiodic screams leave your lips as his cock stretches you out. You whimper in his hold, already sensitive from your last self-inflicted orgasm.

Seungmin holds your hips again as soon as he knows you're close. Kissing your neck and biting into the skin to make you his, not that the platinum ring on your fingers were a sign enough of branding, Seungmin whispers by your ear, "Going to fuck and cum in you. Going to breed you and have you stuffed with my cum like the little slut you are. Daddy is going to have you so full of my cum that you're bound to get pregnant. I'll do that, baby. You're going to keep it all inside of you."

"What it it slips out?" You gasp out, getting turned on by the thought of having Seungmin's kids.

"Going to fuck it into you over and over again," Seungmin grunts.

He thrusts into you rapidly, hips hitting into you over and over again, squeezing him as you edge closer and closer. "I'm going to cum, oh my god. Daddy, I'm going to cum." His fingers brushes against your clit and you know at that minute that you have come undone.

"No," he says, firmly, as he fucks into you ruthlessly. "Hold it. You're cumming with me."

"I can't, let meㅡ" You cry but Seungmin squeezes your harder harder, warning you. "Daddy! Fuck, please!" Seungmin's cock is repeatedly hitting your spot, your vision blurry in pleasure and you feel like you are going to explode.

"I'm close too." Seunhmin finally says and he thirst upwards faster, sounds resonating in the office room of yours and you don't care if people were to walk in and watch their boss fuck her husband in her office. Fuck, you think that would be hot, in fact.

"Fuck!" He exclaims. "Going to fucking cum inside you. Going to stuff you with my cum till your tiny little belly bulges with all that cum." Seungmin kisses you. It's messy, teeth clashing and desperate for some intimate contact as you soon tug at his lower lip with your teeth before letting go of it.

You scream your husband's name out loud – pretty sure for voices to have reached the corridor. Your orgasm coats his dick that still thrusts into you, staining his pants and your dress.

"Oh, god," you breathe in for air heavily. "Fuck," you whimper, body shaking almost violently, the muscles of your stomach contracting. Seungmin does not stop as he continues to ravage your pussy.

"Stop." You gasp, holding onto his shoulder, nails digging into it. Seungmin doesn't listen and continues to fuck you through your orgasm. "Stop, please! Ah! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Fuck, fuck!" One thrust at an angle and Seungmin releases into you, a small orgasm ripping out from your body simultaneously at the minor overstimulation that takes over your body completely.

You weakly pull yourself up from his cock, pussy clenching at nothing once he is completely out, releasing the mixture of both yours and his orgasm. It slides down your thigh and Seungmin's eyes stares at it before he holds your hips.

In one fluid motion, he pins you down on the sofa, your head against a cushion. Kissing you, he mumbles, "Told you to keep it in. Have to fuck it all back in now."

[xiu21chen99]

hxh headcanon/imagine.

again... still about hisoillu but about their engagement instead of illu's influenced fashion choice.

also this is more of... idk it gave reason why they chose to marry instead of uh other ways i guess??

i've seen so many fanarts where illu would break the news to the zoldycks or how killu would react to having hisoka as his brother in law- like srsly it's meme worthy at this point- and lotsa ones that showed how hisoka proposed as a joke or smtg but... I've been overthinking abt it these past few days sO i present to you how i think "the big question aka the proposal" happened... (manga spoilers??)

it's after hisoka resurrected himself obviously, and def after he killed kortopi and shalnark (so he knew there was gonna be empty slots in the spiders' lineup)

i imagine illu went back to the zoldyck estate after the whole fiasco and only heard of hisoka's "death" from rumors while he was on a mission

and then when he was idk maybe contemplating on whether or not he should visit the body(?) to pay respects or something, he gets a text message from the devil himself

their text went like this probably:

hisoka: hey~ where are you right now?♠️ (and no u can't tell me hisoka doesn't text w card suits u just can't-)

illumi: who are you and how did you get the phone you are currently using?

hisoka: ooh~ illu~ i feel betrayed, did you delete my number?♣️

illumi: hisoka is dead

hisoka: *image attached*

illumi: oh

illumi: hello hisoka, how are you still alive?

hisoka: you sound disappointed~♦️

illumi: i kind of am...

hisoka: rude, just tell me where you are♥️

...and that's how they met up?? ngl i think illu has a know-it-all syndrome where he just has to,,, k n o w everything

he's curious so he agrees to the meetup ofc

he's also surprised when he sees hisoka is in good shape when they meet (idk at a bar in an unknown city?)

they drink whiskey on the rocks because... you know...

hisoka explains how he survived and his next plan of action (which is terminate the spiders)

illumi makes a mental note of nen after death bc he's heard and seen it all before but... not to this extent,

this is gonna be,,, bland but i think this is the logic behind why hisoka chose to get married/engaged instead of just paying up front (reference to the ten dons' commission to get chrollo killed and chrollo's commission to get the ten dons killed)--

anyways here's how their conversation goes:

i: "why did you want to talk in person?"

h: "oh y'know, for old times sake."

i: "...right"

hisoka laughs, "okay so maybe i want to ask you for a favor..?"

confused, illumi asks, "why could you not have just texted if you wanted me to kill someone for you?"

h: "no, no- wait, actually, you're not too far off."

i: ~mOrE cOnfUsiOn~ "huh?"

h: "how do contracts for assassination work in your... family business?"

i: "half the promised pay before, the remaining half afterwards. should the target be eliminated by a third party, the assigned zoldyck still gets the pay and should the employer die, then the contract is terminated and the zoldyck will report back immediately."

h: "and has anyone made a contract to have themselves terminated?"

i: "i beg your pardon?"

h: "what complications will arise should your employer's target be... themselves?"

i: "i believe... i have never encountered such circumstance before. the people who hire us are those who have enough money and resource to have their enemies killed quickly. no one's tried to test the zoldyck assassination prowess."

h: "so... how will that work?"

i: "are you implying this is the reason why you have contacted me today?"

h: "yes~ ♥️" (how he said a heart emoji out loud is up to you, reader)

i: "it will be a pointless paradox. logically, the zoldyck will only get the employment bill. and i, myself, do not find pleasure in going for the kill like you lest i get my reward, so you will not get a contract out of me, hisoka."

h: "is there no leeway?"

i: "a zoldyck stands up to their word. so no."

h: "even for a friend?~ ♦️"

i: "we are not friends, hisoka-"

hisoka raises his glass of whiskey along with his eyebrow.

i: "oh..."

h: "didn't you tell dear killua that a zoldyck didn't need friends?"

i: "you... are an associate, someone reliable in the killing world. it's different."

h: "hypocrite"

i: "i ask you for favors and you make me return them. it is not like we spend our time together leisurely like killu with that island boy..."

hisoka clinks their matching glasses of whiskey even though his is already empty, a shit-eating grin on his lips.

i: "you suggested we meet here."

h: "this isn't the first time we went out to drink, right illu?"

i: "regardless!! i will not kill you just for half the money. i do not like wasting efforts on fruitless missions."

h: "as i said, is there no exception, to make sure you get my money if you were to succeed in killing me?"

i: "are you doubting my skill, hisoka?"

h: "that's not the point right now~ ♠️"

i: "wait, why do you want me to get all of your money?"

h: "haven't we just gotten over this subject? because you're my friend, of course."

i: "i... we are not friends, hisoka."

hisoka claps, "that's it! illumi!! ♣️"

i: "eh?"

h: "marry me! that way in our prenup I'll make sure you get all of my money, and even without a prenup you'll still get it since you'll be my only relative! that solves it!"

i: "hisoka, are you sure death did not took a toll on your brain? you did say you used Bungee Gum only on your heart and lungs..."

h: "i'm being serious, illumi!! and doesn't this solve your earlier conflict? we don't have to be friends, we'll be husbands!"

i: "do not use that tactic with me, you manipulative bastard. stop joking."

h: "this is purely beneficial for you, honestly i don't get why you just won't accept it."

i: "then humor me this first, why now?"

h: "dear illu, i've been to literal hell and back. i think it's time to leave my mark in case i fail to escape death again."

i: "was it that bad?"

h: "you'll love it there, illu~ ♥️"

h: "on a more serious note, though, i do plan to marry you. out of everyone i've encountered, you're the most eligible candidate. you're powerful, fully capable and extremely pretty to boot! you're the ideal husband!"

(blushing obviously, illumi downs the remaining whiskey in his glass) i: "death has changed you, hisoka."

h: "so?"

i: "fine."

h: "excellent!"

and in one fell swoop, illumi has a pin against the curve of hisoka's jugular, wrist held tightly by hisoka- a card matching against his own neck.

"not yet, dear husband." hisoka whispered into his ear, "we have to manage the papers first. and i've a request before you do."

they let each other go at the same time, not even breathing an unnecessary breath in the other's personal space (well, they're nearly pressed thigh to thigh anyways, what's the point of personal space anymore-)

"a condition rather than a request, really."

"what?" hisoka orders them refills, and downs his when it arrives.

"join the ryodan first."

glass already pressed on thin lips, illumi's confused hum resonates softly into the concave utensil. "why?"

"so things can get more interesting. i assume you know of the dark continent expedition that's soon to take place?"

"father has advised i take part on it, since kalluto told me the ryodan plans to rob some cliches who'll join the expedition- to look after him. you want me to join them?"

"yes, and i plan to board as well, don't fret."

illumi's eyes turn to slits, "how should i know you would be there? i can't take your word when you might just disappear when we've all boarded."

hisoka grins, wide then wider, "you should know by now illu, i plan to avenge my wounded pride. that damned chrollo didn't even fight me properly."

tilting his head, illumi stared at the man beside him, "is that not contradictory? i thought you did not mind your opponent using whatever means necessary to win?"

"magicians use tricks and misdirection to awe the audience," hisoka says almost thoughtlessly, "chrollo's a narcissistic hypnotist who used the audience as a damned shield because he knew he couldn't handle me face-to-face."

he groans, tinged in regret. "i shouldn't have picked heaven's arena, if i'd chosen a more discreet location then maybe the damage won't be this bad."

"damage?" illumi rests his chin on his palm, facing his husband.

hisoka swipes a hand over his face, and the glamour comes off. the picture he sent illumi now present in front of him. he was missing a nose, his left hand didn't have any finger left and dried blood chipped on his white skin. "oh."

with another swipe, everything's made correct again. hisoka was grinning again. he downs the remaining alcohol and leaves jenny bills under the emptied glass.

"come, lovely husband. we're to elope and legalize our union!"

illumi follows suit after downing his own glass, "i think there might be another loop hole, if you were to join the family. zoldycks do not kill family."

"so if i were to wed you, here and now, you'd think me more of a family than alluka?"

"alluka is not family."

"are those your words, illumi? or silva's?"

"i..."

"wow, you're really just as fucked up as i am."

"where do you plan to take me? i've just said i cannot kill family."

hisoka chuckles, "then you're the one to take my name, of course."

"preposterous!"

"who the hell still uses that word?"

"i am and will always be a zoldyck-"

"exactly. it's just legal papers, if you kill me then you'll just be a widow and even get your name back! see how everything'll work out in the end?"

"hisoka-"

"are you doubting your skill of assassination, my dearest husband?"

"... i better get the most expensive ring in this damned city."

"that's the spirit! now let's go get married!"

"wait, hisoka. what is your last name?"

later that night, when they leave a chapel, something gold glimmers on hisoka's bungee gum/texture surprise ring finger. a matching one around illumi's finger.

unlike hisoka, though, illumi had an extra red glimmer right under that gold, in the dead center of a silver band of intricately designed pattern. hisoka had foregone the traditional diamond in favor of a 16 carat ruby engagement ring, such a curious choice but illumi accepted it all the same...

(much later on, hisoka took both rings as collateral and reminded illumi that he would get them back even if he died bc it was in their damn prenup- and bc it was technically bought under illumis name and that's how hisoka assured illu that he'd be on that black whale,,, bc he had the rings and planned to give them back to him there)

"I thought a red gemstone was better suited for the rather bloody and murderous ending that our relationship will inevitably come to, wouldn't you agree?"

-Hisoka Morow whenever someone mentions his preference of proposal ring...

"I disagree with most of his ideals, our relationship has always had a fragile foundation, and I knew from the start that we'd eventually end up killing each other."

-Illumi Morow, nee Zoldyck when asked about his thoughts on his husband...

[rex101111]

While Shu is less interesting than Wei, it's got it's perks for Baiken. Zhang Fei is fun to hang around with, and Yue Ying's unmatched cooking skills make being around Zhuge "Just As Planned" Liang worth it (even if he's more humble and loyal than Sima Yi)

But really, the three Oath brothers feel closer to each other than their ideals, which Baiken instantly figures out will spell trouble. The only reason Shu is still standing is because of Zhuge Liang's intelligence and the astonishing feats of Zhao Yun, who despite being the picture of loyalty, is also someone level-headed enough to see reality. His bonkers stunts never fail to entertain Baiken during duels, and despite being exhausted, he never hesitates to accept her challenging him. No wonder everyonecin the Three Kingdons speak highly of him (Even Lu Bu thinks he's a worthy foe!) For a goody-two-shoes, he's not bad. She can't help but compare him to Ky Siske.

* Shu and it's whole obsession with "benevolence" rubs Baiken the wrong way sometimes, but Liu Bei pays as well as she can ask for, and pound for pound Shu has more simply honest folk than the other factions. Top among them is Ying, who drags Baiken to her dinner table every chance she gets to feed the mercenary, who has a reputation of surviving off of mostly booze.

She all smiles, but with an iron edge underneath that keeps Baiken from arguing...and the cooking is good too, so that's a plus. It'd be perfect...if she didn't also have to share a table with Zhuge Liang, and his ever analytical gaze roaming her form.

"...Ying! Your shit-head husband is giving me that creepy look again!"

"Give it a rest dear!" Yue Ying calls over her shoulder from the kitchen, "you promised no strategizing at the table!"

"I'm not strategizing." Zhuge replies, taking another sip of his tea, "I am simply observing."

"Well quit observing." Baiken growls, swirling her own tea cup as she glares at him, "your spoiling my appetite."

Liang nods, taking his gaze off of her to stare deeply into his tea, "...a question." He says mildly, Baiken grumbling but otherwise not snapping at him, "if you were ordered to kill a hundred men by yourself, what would you do?"

"Charge extra for every head 50."

A sip, slow and controlled, "and if you were refused, and told to go anyway?"

"Tell the one who ordered me to shove it."

An eyebrow climbing half an inch, "...are you not under contract? Why would you think you had the right to refuse?"

"Because, Lord Liang." The honorific drips from her like venom, "my signing a contract had not deprived me of my brain, and there is a stark difference between a breach of said contract, and my employer being a fucking idiot."

A smile, subtle as morning due and yet sharp as a knife, "Indeed there is, excellent answer Lady Baiken."

Baiken groans at this, looking at Yue Ying as she comes to the table with a tray of food, "every talk with this guy gives me a fucking headache."

"Of course it does." Ying cheerfully says, "It's part of his charm."

Groaning again, admitting defeat, Baiken chooses to simply be quiet and eat her food. (Almost as good as Jam, almost.)

* She makes a habit of asking for a spar from Yun every day, at least once every few hours, so long as there isn't a battle coming up soon.

He hasn't managed to beat her, but he's getting closer. Every fighter he busts out something new that she has to react to, his youthful energy never once running out.

They're at the end of another spar, the last of the day as the sun is swallowed by the horizon. They're both on the grass, Baiken sitting while Zhao Yun lays on his back, looking straight up.

"Almost got me that time kid," she compliments with a puff of smoke, "that trick you pulled by kicking off the wall was a ballsy one, keep working on it."

"Thank you ma'am." Yun says from the ground, still catching his breath, one of his hands holding a bruise on the side of his chest. "I'll be sure to practice."

She laughs as she shakes her head, "you say that like you don't work your ass off already." She inhales a it more smoke, muttering, "dumb kid." under her breath.

A few quiet moments pass, before Yun sits up, puts his legs into a lotus position, and joins Baiken in looking at the sunset, "...Lady Baiken, would you be honest with me for a moment."

"I don't lie to people, kid," She answers with a casual breath of smoke, "waste of my time, so you can ask whatever," she turns her gaze to look at him from the corner of her eye, "no promises you'll like the answer though."

Nodding in assent, Yun turns to look at her fully, "in your words, what is the state of Shu, at the moment?"

"One corpse away from collapsing in on itself like a house made of straw." She takes another pull from her pipe to let her words sink in, "one stray arrow, one bad meal, one sickness, and it's all over."

Yun grips his knees, but does not say a word.

"It won't happen right away, it might take a few years, but if either you or Liang bite it, Shu's days are numbered."

Now he bolts to his feet, "Lord Liu Bei-"

"Is an idealist who doesn't know how deep in the shit he could be." She interject smoothly, still on the ground looking at the sunset, "he and his brothers care more for their oath than their duty, all of their soldiers are living off a dream doomed to fail, and as a result this whole business is resting on the shoulders of, at most, two people." She looks up at him, but he feels so incredibly small, "and you know it."

His face hardens, and for the first time today he looks every bit the warrior his enemies make him out to be, "I will never abandon my lord."

"Never said you would." She shakes her head at him again, finally getting to her feet, "I never questioned your loyalty, only how clear your vision is." She meets his gaze, and he holds his ground, "if you're going to keep walking this road, you better know exactly where it's going to lead you."

"I assure you, Lady Baiken." Zhao Yun straightens his back and brings his shoulders back, the very picture of the Hero of Shu, "I have never lost sight of my goal."

She locks gazes with him for a moment, and then claps his shoulder, "then I think that's enough for today." She turns on her heel and begins walking away, "see you tomorrow, Yun."

He stares at her back for second, before he bows, "Thank you for the training!"

She keeps walking, but barks out a laugh, waving with her back to him. Not as hardened as Ky, not yet, but he's got some spirit, at the very least.