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prezaki · 2 years

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Sword and Mirror - a Lacus Clyne Analysis

“First… decide. And then do it. It’s the only way to achieve anything.”

Do you want to read ~8.000 words of Lacus Clyne character analysis? I hope so, because that’s what I got for you today.

When I watched SEED, I was wholly convinced I would dislike Lacus and everything she stands for. I have never been more wrong. Lacus is a tricky character to grasp - the show narrates her story largely through themes, blank spaces and parallel storytelling. As a result, I understand how she can seem quite flat on a casual viewing. I promise you right now, there is more to her role in the story than meets the eye.

In a 2020 interview, Director Fukuda said: “I do remember [Writer Morosawa] saying that the idea of Lacus Clyne was that she would be a mirror of other people, and that was why she was necessary to reflect other people’s hearts.”

The primary mirrors for Lacus are Flay in SEED and the Durandal/Meer combo in Destiny, so these will be our focal angle for unraveling her character - because the question is not just “what does the mirror say about other people?” it is also “what is inherent to Lacus that is able to reflect these (often negative) characters so well?”

Lacus’ story includes a lot of interesting ideas about power, agency, and gender performativity. I am here today to make my case to all of you, to present to you the Lacus I came to love - a girl who would love to be ordinary, but who cannot ignore the ideological power her image has become entrenched with.

(Because tumblr is a functional website and won't show posts with links in tags, I will add my source links in a reblog.)

We’re going to be following Lacus’ appearances more or less chronologically here, with digressions into related topics when it fits thematically.

Starting us off, we can’t talk about Lacus’ early scenes without also talking about Flay Allster. Lacus and Flay are two sides of the same coin and the show beats us over the head with that pretty much from the first time we meet Lacus.

Flay and Lacus arriving on the Archangel follows the exact same script: a girl exits a lifeboat, floating through the hangar, into Kira who blushes at the proximity and informs her that this is an Earth Forces vessel. The two scenes are merely four episodes apart, serving as a giant blinking billboard to tell the viewer: compare and contrast these two!!

At this stage of their lives, Lacus and Flay are in nearly identical situations. Their mothers are out of the picture, having passed when they were young. Their fathers are important politicians of their respective faction. Each of them is engaged to a boy they did not choose as part of a ploy to further their fathers’ political agenda.

That is hitting right on a theme SEED explores with most of its main cast - children as extensions of their parent’s will. As they exist at this early stage of the story, Lacus and Flay are each tools to further their fathers’ reach. The fact that both of them seem to have positive emotional relationships with their fathers does not diminish this aspect - in fact, I’d argue it underlines it. Both of them want to live up to their fathers’ legacies and willingly accept their place in it.

This means that there is a level of performativity that permeates every aspect of their lives. We see this most clearly with Flay - every part of her day to day persona is carefully curated to show herself as a perfect little lady. We know that this act is directly linked to pleasing her father, because it includes doing things for her father’s benefit such as writing love letters to Sai despite not actually liking him or putting in unusual effort to look her best for reuniting with her dad. She acts out the perfect hyperfeminine daughter that George Allster wants to present to the world. Flay’s sweetness is a manipulation - a way to exert power, first on her father’s and then on her own behalf. This is why Flay keeps up the performance, even once we have seen the real Flay as a much darker personality. It’s the only way she’s been taught to assert agency and thus her only strategy to protect herself.

Lacus is rather similar about strategically using her hyperfeminine charm when needed be. Her initial episodes on the Archangel serve as a perfect example of this.

But first, we have to elaborate on her background. She’s a popular idol singer on the PLANTs but her career is, like everything else, something that is tailor-made to promote her father’s moderate politics. When Meer describes Lacus’ job in Destiny, she does it like this: “[Her job] is to actively pursue ways to help the PLANTs and the world achieve peace.” Tellingly, the line is placed over an image of Lacus and her father.

So we know that Lacus is politically active by this point, even if just as her father’s mouthpiece. We also know she is in this sector of space as part of a ceremonial delegation. She is literally engaged to Athrun in a bid to reign in Patrick Zala’s extremism by making the public see the Clyne and Zala families as a unity. What I am getting at is that there is absolutely no way Lacus is oblivious to the context she finds herself in when she boards an Earth Forces ship. When she acts as though she were, it’s deliberate.

Lacus only takes decisive action when she feels that she knows all the facts and she likes to go see the circumstances of a situation for herself. This is something we’ll talk about a lot more later on, but it is already useful to keep in mind here.

Lacus’ time on the Archangel is characterized by her leaving her (locked) room again and again to wander the ship, then acting oblivious as to why anybody would be upset about the enemy leader’s daughter freely scoping out the place.

(Her mild ‘Oh?’ here always gets me.) It’s the kind of behavior she can get away with precisely because she is a hyperfeminine teenage girl - if she were an adult male refugee instead, she might have been arrested for pulling a stunt like that. But being as she is, the exaggerated naivety somehow registers as believable for everyone on the ship and she gets off scott-free.

What I love about Lacus and Flay is the level of awareness they both have about gender being a performance that can be put on for gain. Both of them are genuinely pretty girly, but more than that they know how to play up the girliness and use it to exploit gender biases to their advantage. They know people are likely to underestimate them and/or be sweet on them and they bank on it fairly often.

Of course this isn’t to say Lacus’ personality is one big fake and there is a ‘real Lacus’ in there who is diametrically opposed to how she presents herself. Even during the Archangel stay, we see Lacus in private and we find a gentle girl. She prays, she sings, she plays silly little games with her Haro. Lacus’ naive act is effective precisely because it is merely a slight over-acting of her regular self.

This is confirmed by Director Fukuda when he states that “about half of her behavior is natural, but she can also play the role of herself. She is her true self when she confronts Rau Le Creuset and she is also her true self when she plays with Haro.”

While we’re on the topic of Haro, I find pink Haro to be a bit of a curiosity. In Gundam’s history as a franchise, Haros have usually represented something about their owner. For Amuro, Kamille, Hathaway and Uso their Haros were manifestations of the childhood they were clinging to / that was clinging to them.

Lacus’ pink Haro is the first Haro in Gundam to be willful and rude instead of cheerful and supportive (though Haro in Victory certainly packs a punch). It also has the rather interesting catchphrase: “I won’t accept that”. What does that say about Lacus, if anything?

I would argue that it is a first pointer towards the strength of personality and opinion that Lacus camouflages behind her innocent exterior. During these early episodes, there are two major hints towards the Haro symbolism.

The first is simple: Haro is Lacus’ excuse for constantly leaving her room. See, it is Haro who won’t allow them to be locked in. This is totally out of her innocent public persona’s control, see?!

The second one follows when Lacus leaves the Archangel and we first see proof positive that she’s been playing dumb while in enemy territory. As soon as Lacus is safe in Athrun’s suit, she addresses Rau in a commanding tone never heard before.

“Stop it at once. Are you trying to turn this location into a battlefield when there is a representative of the memorial delegation here? I will not allow it! Stop your combat operations at once!”

Suddenly, we learn that Lacus has perfect awareness of her own importance and a clear grasp on political/military speech style. We are forced to recontextualize the clueless girl we’ve spent the last few episodes with, turning our perception of the character on its head. But the viewer isn’t the only person shocked by this. As Athrun stares at his gentle fiancée in bewilderment, we are treated to Haro’s shout of “I won’t accept that! I won’t accept that!” which perfectly echoes Lacus’ speech and feelings - meanwhile Lacus herself just gives an angelic smile, acting as though she has no idea why what she just did should be astounding in the first place:

The disparity between Haro-as-the-inner-voice and Lacus’ outer performance as she reverts to her usual ‘public self’ is used deliberately, foreshadowing the many surprises Lacus still has up her sleeve.

Lacus is then moved to the ZAFT vessel Vesalius, where she continues to wander about against Athrun’s advice. Though she is no longer in enemy territory, it makes sense for Lacus to keep up the naive act so she can scope out the ship as much as possible. After all, she sees herself as a civilian who wants to end the war. She has no specific loyalty to ZAFT as a military. Of course she’d want a glimpse at things.

After this, Lacus is shuffled out of the plot for a good bit as she recuperates at her home with her many, many Haros. So many Haros. It will never cease being funny that Athrun (notedly, the person who gave her the Haros) is also the one who goes ‘how can you live like this?!’.

This is a good opportunity to talk about Lacus and Athrun’s relationship as a whole. Though the two of them never met before being introduced to each other for the engagement, they like each other. Lacus seems dedicated to making this marriage work out. In a bonus audio drama covering their first meeting, Lacus basically steamrolls Athrun with her can-do-attitude regarding the engagement. He is completely taken aback as she speculates about the hair color of their future children… Lacus approaches the engagement on a baseline of ‘I don’t know you that well yet, so I don’t know if this is good or bad - might as well be optimistic.’ It’s only after Athrun’s enduring discomfort that she slows down. This ongoing positive approach to the relationship seems to both be because of her dedication to her father’s cause as well as because she simply comes to like Athrun. She treasures his gifts, is overjoyed when he comes to visit, and would be perfectly willing to take their relationship to an actual romantic level.

Just look at her waiting for a proper kiss before Athrun chickens out and opts for her cheek instead…

But ultimately, Athrun just does not understand Lacus. This is evident in their interactions and confirmed several times by Director Fukuda. Athrun can’t see past Lacus’ one-sided public presentation. Her deeper thoughts and convictions are lost on him. According to the above-linked interviews, it is this specific visit in episode 20 when Lacus tries to test Athrun and then decides to cut her losses.

“I think she was trying to see if Athrun could accept her thoughts. Lacus also feels that way about Kira, so she told Athrun that she likes him. She actually wanted Athrun to inquire about her reasons, but Athrun doesn’t ask. That’s why Lacus can’t make space in her heart for him.” - Fukuda, as linked above.

Not only does Athrun not seem open to meeting her head-on ideologically, he also doesn’t display any jealousy at her stating she is fond of another guy. Both as a comrade and as a romantic partner, Athrun feels distant from Lacus. Of course she remains fond of him as a person, but she won’t keep chasing a connection he is not emotionally open to.

Kira is different in this regard - he is ready to accept and agree with Lacus’ morals, to let her take Flay’s place as the person who inspires him to keep fighting. And that is precisely the next step in Lacus’ journey - forging her bond with Kira.

After Kira and Athrun gravely wound each other in battle, Reverend Malchio picks up the injured Kira and brings him to the PLANTs. It is implied though not elaborated upon that Malchio is part of Siegel Clyne’s large web of contacts trying to stop Patrick Zala’s megalomania. Malchio and Lacus appear to get along well - it stands to reason that Kira was entrusted to her care because Malchio knew he’d saved her before.

Lacus delights in nursing Kira back to health. She shares her love of the outdoors and beautiful gardens with him, and listens to his struggles and regrets. It is here that we get a good glimpse at the way Lacus’ genuine girly side looks. She is playful yet ladylike, she can appear quite innocent… but she never seems at a loss for what’s going on and routinely gets serious when discussing matters of war and trauma.

This Lacus in the garden is the person she would like to be. In her ideal world, there would be peace and she’d be at liberty to simply enjoy her songs and flowers, spending time with a person she likes. Lacus’ gentleness and her appreciation of simple pleasures are not an act.

Unfortunately, that ideal world does not exist. Which is why, when Kira declares he wants to fight not ZAFT nor the Earth Forces but the conflict itself, Lacus sees her own morals echoed in him and decides to act as well.

She abuses her authority and the trust the PLANTs’ society holds in her in order to let Kira steal the Freedom, one of ZAFT’s new super weapons. It is likely that she was aware of the Freedom’s existence through her father - there don’t appear to be any secrets between the two of them.

This is a good point to point out one of Lacus’ most defining habits: her tendency to ask questions. Though she is far from clueless, she is someone who will contribute to a conversation by prompting for elaboration again and again. She knows that asking someone else to spell out their thought process will help them solidify it.

Lacus has a very intuitive understanding of the human mind and how to enable it. She is a good person and mostly uses that strategy in order to gently nudge those who are already morally aligned with her in the right direction… but there certainly is potential to use this kind of strategy for outright manipulation. We will see as much when we get to Destiny… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Right now, allowing Kira to act has also forced Lacus to do the same - she is now regarded as a traitor to the PLANTs for her theft of military equipment and needs to go into hiding. There is only one last thing she feels she needs to do before she can address the public: tie up loose ends with Athrun.

The staging of this confrontation reveals Lacus’ deep sentimentality. She hides out at the theater she first sang in publicly, a hideout so fitting of her personality that Athrun figures it out with only minimal prodding. Lacus had taken great care of the flowers she received from that theater years ago. I’d say it’s fair to assume that the location has not just been picked for how easily Athrun could find it - after all, Lacus is singing in full stage costume when he finds her. In a way, this is her goodbye performance to her old life that she is now giving up in the name of rebellion.

On this stage of memories, Lacus gives Athrun an ultimatum.

“Did you kill him? What is it that you believe in and fight for? Is it the medal you received? Your father’s orders? If it is, then Kira may once again become your enemy. And so will I. If you’ve declared me an enemy, will you shoot me? Athrun Zala of ZAFT!”

For the first time, she addresses him with a harsh voice and allows him to see the full power of her determination. (Poor guy, he had no idea what he was in for…)

At this point everything has been set in motion and Lacus is fed-up with Athrun’s lukewarm commitment. He is holding her at gunpoint, but the one forcing a decision is Lacus. When Athrun protects her from the ZAFT agents sent to kill her, that proves that Athrun is not acting in blind loyalty to his father - he passes Lacus’ test. Noteworthy is that through this entire exchange, Lacus had gunmen from the Clyne-faction in hiding. If Athrun had actually made a move to hurt her, he would not have left that theater alive. I fully believe that Lacus would have ordered his death if it ensured that he won’t get a second shot at killing Kira - the sword she is pinning all her hopes on. However, she surely had confidence it would not get that far. Her primary intention was to wake Athrun up, not to get rid of him.

With this last personal matter settled, Lacus begins her real work. She has the unique advantage of being an already established ambassador for peace through her idol work (and the association thereof with her father’s politics). This gives her inherent credibility with the populace of the PLANTs - something she is intending to make full use of through guerilla radio broadcasts.

“Coordinators are in no way a different species that evolved from other forms of humans. Even with the reform of marriage regulations, we are unable to build towards our future. How is that an advanced species?”

In her speeches, she takes a stark counterposition to Patrick Zala’s doctrine of Coordinator superiority. Fukuda repeatedly calls Lacus a radical girl - and for her context, she is. After all, she lives in a society legally controlled by eugenics, in which only marriages resulting in childbirth are legally viable. To stand up and publicly declare that the entire premise of the current PLANTs is bullshit… That is bold.

Her rebellion is harshly punished as her father is mercilessly gunned down for association with his daughter - which now leaves Lacus in charge of the whole Clyne faction. Her response to her father’s death is muted. She merely nods in acknowledgement and goes back to organizing her resistance force - the only hint to her true discontent is once again Haro, closing out the scene with an “I won’t accept this!”. We see yet again that Lacus’ public face is always tightly controlled. As a leader she understands that she cannot show weakness or risk hurting the morale of her group.

Through the connections her father established and the loyalty of her own followers, Lacus manages to steal the spaceship Eternal and escape from the PLANTs. Through this, she can reconvene with the Archangel and meet both Kira and Athrun again.

It is here that Lacus allows herself to cry about her father for the very first time. She is a girl who is open with very few people, who does not feel like her position offers her the luxury of being candid with her emotions. It takes being alone with somebody she trusts for her to let go and truly feel.

I am going to be talking about Lacus’ relationship to Kira in more depth when we get to the beginning of Destiny, but for now it will suffice to say that their non-faction-aligned positions make them kindred spirits who rely on each other. They have gotten to know one another fairly well during Kira’s sickbed stay at the Clyne mansion. Kira has met Lacus with an emotional openness that Athrun never showed her, which makes it easier for her to fully respond in kind.

(As an aside, the death of the politician father is a recurring theme in SEED. Lacus once more follows in the footsteps of Flay, as well as Cagalli; with Athrun soon to join them.)

During the battle sequences following the reunion, we see Lacus as a collected and capable commander of her ship. We have already witnessed her incredible calm (not losing her cool when threatened, losing family members, having people shot in front of her,…) and it comes in handy here as well. Notably, Lacus is shown to be a lot more cold and pragmatic than Athrun. Where Athrun is motivated by personal relationships and would risk it all to save their comrades who are lost in the Mendel colony, Lacus immediately declines his plan.

“Even if Kira, Mu and Dearka never return, we must still continue to fight.”

Just like Lacus has accepted the death of her father, she would also accept Kira’s death in the name of a greater cause. As always, her personal feelings take a backseat to being able to fulfill her function and represent her ideology.

“My mother told me something long ago. The world belongs to you and also you belong to the world, as long as you are born and exist in this world.”

This attitude is at least somewhat contextualized by this quote that shows up shortly after. Lacus’ mother is implied to have passed away when she was very young, possibly making this one of Lacus’ core memories of her. “And also you belong to the world,” seems to encompass a lot of Lacus’ attitude towards duty and commitment to peace.

Lacus’ arc in the season closes off with the activation of her SEED mode, as well as the associated speech. I have transcribed it in full here:

“We humans, possibly, could exist without fighting. However, many of us choose to fight. For what reason? To protect something? Protect what? Ourselves? The future? If we must kill to protect our future and ourselves… What sort of future is it? What are we? There is no future for those who have been killed. And what about those who have killed? Is happiness to be found in a future that is grasped with bloodstained hands? Well, is it?”

In The Art and Data of Gundam SEED, this scene is described as follows: “Confronted by so many lives being lost, Lacus’ SEED activates out of grief and sorrow over the endless link between humanity and war.”

However, what I actually want to point out is not what triggers her SEED but how her SEED manifests. Usually SEED mode is shown to enhance piloting skill, but Lacus isn’t a pilot. What she does instead is the one thing she does so well: ask questions. Her power is the unerring dedication to bring into question things that are seen as self-explanatory, to inquire again and again if there truly is good reason for the world to be this way.

It positions her as the perfect antithesis to Rau who views violence as a given and himself as the answer.

In SEED, the series villain is Lacus’ opposite, a clear-cut opposition. It is in Destiny that Lacus really comes under scrutiny with a villain who is far more alike to her in many ways.

But before we can get into discussing Lacus and Durandal, we have to cover the After-Phase Between The Stars short, a five minute special that serves as a bridge between the first and second season, catching us up to what the cast has been up to in the two year time skip.

The set-up for Destiny often comes under scrutiny because fans consider it uncharacteristic for Lacus and Kira to have pulled back from politics rather than take part in managing the peace they helped bring about. I don’t think that is true. Neither Kira nor Lacus wanted to be in a position of authority, nor do they feel like they actually have adequate answers to the complex political problems of the Cosmic Era. During the war they had a clear goal, but the reparations are not nearly as simple.

The two of them are only 16 when the war ends - it’s natural that they would want to back out and leave the rebuilding efforts to qualified adults. For them to move to Orb and live with Malchio so they can heal from the loss they’ve endured is an understandable choice.

And it is not as though Lacus makes this decision out of pure selfishness and thoughtlessness, as After-Phase spells out almost word by word.

Cagalli: “It’s amazing you actually went out onto the battlefield. Doing that suits you well.” Lacus: “Is that right? But even when Kira was crying, he still said he would return. We may still not understand what we should be doing. The world isn’t something that someone creates.”

Lacus is aware that she has amassed a lot of influence over the course of the war, being an idol turned resistance leader whom the people generally rely on. If she were to step up now, people would be sure to place undue importance on her just because of the feelings they project onto their role. That is a power she doesn’t want to use.

Not doing politics at this juncture is her political stance. She feels the world should be shaped by people and not by ideologues making the decisions for them.

Cagalli and Lacus are at different ends of the same problem during Destiny - where Cagalli tries to step up to her position of power and finds the complexities of it quickly overwhelming her, Lacus decides stepping away is what is best for the world and is mistaken in that as well.

Lacus’ decision turns into a major part of Destiny’s conflict - because Lacus is not the only one who sees that her position holds inherent power. Durandal sees it too, and he exploits the vacancy by filling it with his own propaganda version of Lacus. In Meer, Durandal creates the Lacus that Lacus herself doesn’t want to become.

This is where full analysis necessitates a digression to Durandal, who is Lacus’ true counterpart in this season even as Meer takes the role in physical appearance.

Lacus’ mirror being split between Meer (body) and Durandal (mind) is interesting in itself, because it touches on a gendered dimension again. Durandal states that Lacus’ power to influence is greater than his own, but that is not due to who she is as a person. The influence of “Lacus” can only be realized because she is a beautiful young girl. We find ourselves at an intersection of idol culture and propaganda - Lacus as an idol is by-design a ‘pure’ celebrity, someone you can look up to without concerns because they are wholly innocent. That is how idols are produced in the real world as well. Through stepping out of the ‘idol’ space and becoming a resistance leader against an inarguable evil, Lacus has then attained an almost goddess-like reputation. The trust inspired by superficial elements like her beauty and soft voice are conflated with her achievements at the end of the war. She is venerated as the icon of peace, rather than seen as an individual with the capacity for flaws. “Lacus” is a near-abstract concept to the public.

That’s what makes it so easy to abuse - so long as you have another beautiful young girl at the ready who is willing to play into the idea of “Lacus, the beautiful savior”. And boy, does Meer play into it. She takes Lacus’ distanced image and turns it on its head. By delivering fanservice like no tomorrow she plays further into the idea of Lacus as a consumable savior who exists for the sake of the audience, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. A large part of Lacus’ influence is thus divorced from who either she or Meer is as an individual.

However, Meer doesn’t write her own speeches. Durandal controls everything she says. Where Meer mirrors the way Lacus is seen (and not seen) by the public, Durandal is the one we truly need to examine here.

First things first. Durandal is absolutely intended as a Lacus parallel. This is conveyed at a number of points through the season, but the first overt comparison is made when Durandal giving Athrun the Saviour is written and shot in an almost 1:1 recreation of the scene in which Lacus gives Kira the Freedom.

Lacus: “I feel that the strength you’ll need is in this machine.” Durandal: “Should we end up in that situation, I want you to be someone with power.”

Lacus: “Will this take you where you wish to go? Will it help you when you get there?” Durandal: “But what you can do and what you wish to do… These are things that nobody knows better than yourself.”

Even Lacus’ “I am Lacus Clyne, you are Kira Yamato” is echoed in the way Durandal insists on Athrun’s inherent self and nature. The idea of an inherent self, a core of a person, is something that unites Lacus and Durandal. They just take it in very different directions - Lacus’ point of view is a more standard “be true to yourself so you can love yourself and find your true purpose”, while Durandal takes it a big step further and comes out on the other end with “have someone decode exactly What You Are and then adhere to it for the rest of your life instead of ever questioning. This will make you happy”.

Durandal is Lacus taken to the extreme. Every soft line of wishing for a world in which the cycle of war is forever broken is turned into a masterplan and a doctrine.

Further, Durandal and Lacus’ strategies of dealing with people are similar, to the point where we have Athrun explicitly picking up on it. The Lacus-giving-Kira-the-Freedom vs Durandal-giving-Athrun-the-Saviour sequences are completed later in the season when Lacus gives Athrun the Justice. We’ll address this scene ahead of time here because it is more important for establishing the Lacus-Durandal dichotomy than it is for Lacus’ personal growth.

Athrun: “Are you trying to tell me I’m nothing but a soldier?” Lacus: “That too is something for you to decide. Power is nothing more than power. And perhaps you are a soldier, but over and above that… You’re Athrun. That’s all there is to it.”

This exchange a) follows Athrun’s realization that Durandal thinks of him as someone who is destined 0nly to be a soldier and b) is accompanied by Athrun directly flashbacking to his conversation with Durandal, comparing that with what Lacus is saying.

Both of them are in the process of prompting him to pilot a mobile suit they already had manufactured for him. Both of them employ a similar rhetoric of making a plea to his intrinsic self and allowing him a choice. Both of them are successful at making him get into the robot.

Lacus and Durandal differ primarily in two core aspects. For one, Durandal prioritizes the role over the individual. I.e.: ‘Athrun is Athrun and because he is Athrun, he can only ever be a soldier’. For Lacus, the inescapable self is the core of your personality, but what you do with it is up to you. I.e.: ‘Athrun is Athrun and thus he has to make the choice that goes best with his true heart’.

The second difference is how genuine they are. Both Lacus and Durandal understand how to manipulate people, but only Durandal abuses this manipulation constantly and with great intentionality. Lacus generally tries to hold back and only encourage instead of exert control. Durandal will lie, Lacus less so.

But in the end both of them remain as people dedicated to their ideal of peace, who employ a soft surface personality in order to make others let their guard down.

Destiny is a season about deconstructing Lacus The Idol. Durandal zeroes in on Lacus not simply because of who she is but because of the ideals she’s grown to represent, the thing she was marketed as from the start, everything that was projected onto her. Lacus The Idol is a construct, an ideal, a wish. Durandal is trying to turn his interpretation of that wish into reality. Lacus The Person is nothing but a roadblock to him.

Though Lacus does not have as many scenes in Destiny as she does in SEED, she is even more crucial to the framework of the story this time. This also means that what few scenes she does get tend to really matter for fleshing out her character.

Her journey begins when Durandal’s failed assassination attempt causes Kira to once again become a Gundam pilot. Lacus is incredibly hesitant about this, but Kira reassures her that he’s fine and doing this out of his own will.

And with that it is finally time to dive into Lacus and Kira’s relationship properly.

Let’s preface this with a Fukuda quote from The Art and Data of Gundam SEED: “Their hearts are connected, but they aren’t like lovers. In a sense, they’ve skipped over that step and become something more like family. Kira is afraid of losing Lacus, because of his trauma with Flay. And Lacus feels guilty for making Kira do something he didn’t want to do, so she feels indebted to him. Psychologically speaking, the two of them are in a rather precarious codependent relationship.”

If the dynamic between Lacus and Kira reads as awkward, it’s because it should. In the beginning of Destiny, Kira is portrayed as traumatized by his encounter with Rau, which he has several flashbacks to. Lacus is the one accompanying him through his recovery, but she is also extremely aware that she is the one who gave him the weapon to fight Rau, that she is the one who is responsible for Kira entering the war again.

Lacus needs Kira to fight and enables Kira to fight, but she knows this is a horrible thing to do to somebody. And she can’t apologize for it, because if necessary she would do it to him again. That is the kind of pragmatist she is. Her feelings towards Kira remain as “I am fully aware that I intentionally put you in this situation, both materially and emotionally, and I know that I can never make it up to you”. How deeply and sincerely sorry she nevertheless is ties her to Kira more than anything else in the world. She cannot make it up to him, but she will spend a lifetime trying. Her feelings of guilt are on full display several times throughout Destiny.

Kira meanwhile projects Flay onto Lacus. His failure to protect Flay translates into an obsessive need to protect Lacus instead. Flay shapes every aspect of how Kira interacts with Lacus, how he can interact with Lacus. No doubt the topic of sexuality is also deeply tainted by his highly charged experiences with Flay.

Lacus does have some romantic feelings for Kira, seen in her blush when she kisses his cheek after giving him the Freedom or in the way she cares about his opinion when she is trying on a variety of outfits during Destiny. But she also seems respectful of the fact that Kira cannot truly reciprocate. (He also absolutely fails at having any opinions about Lacus in different clothes - it is bittersweet to see that short attempt at acting like a proper couple fail so miserably.)

The most romantic affection we see between the two of them are kisses on the cheek and I think it’s fairly safe to say that that is all there ever is.

Lacus and Kira cling to one another, silently asking for a forgiveness they can never be granted. They are nominally a couple, but the reality is simply that much more complex. They are family, they help each other heal, they make each other sad, and they absolutely cannot be apart.

The ghost of Flay hangs over them both in-character and narratively. Lacus has become the reluctant wielder of the sword that is Kira Yamato, the sword Flay helped forge. In turn, Lacus assumes Flay’s position in Kira’s mind; as the driving force, the one giving him direction, the woman to be protected.

Returning to the plot of Destiny, Lacus is now on the run with the Archangel, forced to watch as Meer assumes her identity. Fans generally seem to think she doesn't mind this, but that’s not really true. Lacus is just never vocal about her feelings.

Rie Tanaka’s line read in this scene of everyone watching Meer’s concert is absolutely superb - Lacus sounds deeply sarcastic. The Art and Data of Gundam SEED just confirms this when describing Lacus as “with a smile on her face, but daggers in her eyes.”

Lacus is deeply bothered by what is being done in her name and to her image, but currently neither has the means nor the strategy to combat it. She’s in hiding because she is under active threat of assassination and also because they just don’t really know what is going on.

The latter is of particular importance, because Lacus’ MO remains as it always was: she wants to know as much as she can about a conflict before acting. This principle is actually spelled out in her bath scene with Cagalli.

“First… decide. And then do it. It’s the only way to achieve anything.”

What seems simple nevertheless delivers a good glimpse into her interiority, especially thanks to the inclusion of a flashback to her father’s death. “Guilt” is a core theme for Lacus this season. Destiny presents a Lacus who is fully aware of the tragic consequences of her actions, a Lacus who carries that sadness permanently.

“It’s the only way to achieve anything,” is what she says, but she also means: “If you allow yourself regret, if you allow yourself to contemplate all the different paths you could have taken, you will surely be crushed by it.”

Lacus' philosophy is founded on standing firm in her decisions. She cannot allow herself to be immobilized by regret.

And that is another part of why Lacus takes so long to act. She observes situations very carefully until she is completely certain of the route she wants to take - of the route that will leave her with the least regrets.

Her unwillingness to act unless certain is Lacus' greatest strength and greatest weakness in one.

Thus Lacus soon admits that she does not know the best course of action. She then decides to act on her principles and go look at the situation on the PLANTs for herself. It’s a mirror of the viewing deck scene Lacus and Kira share at the very beginning of SEED. That encounter ended with Kira smuggling Lacus out of the ship, this one ends with her leaving by her own choice.

Though Kira worries about Lacus, she calms him down by quoting back his own reassurance when he first stepped back into the Gundam. This puts a nice emphasis on the mutuality of their relationship. Just as Lacus understands that Kira does not wish to be a pilot, Kira understands that Lacus longs to live a regular life far away from political importance. They both want nothing more for each other than a peaceful situation in which they can escape that which burdens them.

Lacus’ plan for going back into space is to impersonate Meer and steal her shuttle, a nice bit of vindictiveness on her part. There is a fun little audio drama in which she pretends to be worried people appreciate Meer more than her, tricking Waldfelt into helping her learn Meer’s dance routine. In truth, that was preparation for this exact plan. It goes to demonstrate that Lacus not showing her full cards and instead acting out the carefree girl she would like to be is a constant habit for her.

Thus Lacus sets out for the PLANTs, investigates Mendel colony, and finds out that Durandal is on the fast lane to upgrading society to Eugenics+. Interesting here is the revelation that Lacus has kept the Eternal in hiding this entire time and maintained a crew. Though she was hoping that the world would straighten itself out, she clearly never ever abandoned her backup plans for the worst case scenario. She is cautious in every sense of the word.

Meanwhile Durandal is rapidly trying to unify all of mankind under his leadership, attacking the independent Orb under pretenses of only desiring to root out Logos. So Lacus decides she has seen and heard enough. She needs to reveal herself before it is too late.

“I ask the world, please do not get caught up in the trap of his words, telling you that no one else is at fault. We must gain a deeper understanding of Chairman Durandal’s true objective.”

Even though Logos is undoubtedly a powerful evil within the Destiny universe, Lacus calls out the faults of conspiracy thinking and encourages people to question the motives of anyone who offers a solution that is too easy and too clean. It’s Destiny’s clumsy attempt of exploring the thin line between calling out harmful power structures vs simplifying reality in order to create a unified enemy.

It is also interesting because Lacus’ plea for everyone to think for themselves and question the absolutes presented to them is at odds with what a large portion of the public wants from her. They would like for Lacus The Idol to guide them - which is exactly why Meer was so effective as a propaganda stunt. The nature of Lacus’ social power is by default opposed to the change she actually wants to effect in the world.

This then brings us straight to Lacus’ actual confrontation with Meer.

Meer lays a trap relying on Lacus’ goodness and dedication to helping those in need. Ignoring the trap would prove Lacus a hypocrite, but Lacus is not the type anyway. She walks into the trap with open eyes - and offers Meer a sincere chance to be saved.

That’s the thing about Lacus and Meer: Lacus hates that the identity theft is happening, but she does not consider Meer to be the main perpetrator. Rather, Meer is also a victim. Lacus’ speech to her demonstrates this well and also says a lot about Lacus, so I’ll be copying it down in full:

”If it’s my name you want, you may have it. And my appearance. You and I will still be different people. That will never change. None of us can be anything other than ourselves. But that’s why you and I exist and stand here before each other, right? That’s why we have encounters, right? With one another and also ourselves. Your dreams belong to you. So please sing your dreams for your own sake. You mustn’t let others use your dreams for their benefit.”

Lacus looks at Meer and she feels sad as well as responsible. Meer was coerced to throw her own life away in the name of Lacus The Idol. Lacus feels that what happened to Meer could only happen because she exists. She sees a girl trying to become a version of her that Lacus herself feels is a burden, and she can’t help but be sad for the consequences of her existence.

I said before that “guilt” is a big theme for Lacus in Destiny, and here it appears in its more misguided form, taking more onto her shoulders than is actually warranted. One might argue it is a form of arrogance in its own way.

However, Meer and Lacus never get to resolve this. Meer steals Lacus’ place one final time, taking a bullet meant for her and dying in her stead. The sense of guilt is thus solidified and will remain with Lacus for the rest of her life.

Lacus’ tears for Meer are the most intense expression of grief we see from Lacus in the whole series and I think it is fitting.

Meer was a girl who spent much of her life wondering about Lacus, wishing she could know about the elusive stranger behind the idol. Now Meer is the one who is an eternal stranger and Lacus is left wishing she could hold onto more of her than just the diary and the idol work she left behind.

To Lacus, Meer is a girl who destroyed herself out of admiration for her. A girl who was consumed because Lacus’ inaction let it happen. Lacus’ philosophy might be largely pacifist, but it is not and has not ever been victimless.

And that is what really makes Lacus’ character to me: this awareness that even her best bet at a ‘correct’ decision is not the bloodless path, cannot be the bloodless path. Adhering to her morals still costs lives and Lacus tries to confront that dilemma, carrying her grief close to her heart.

Lacus’ speech to Meer conveys what Lacus thinks of life, touching both on her core similarity to Durandal (the idea of a ‘true self’) as well as the most major difference: Lacus believes striving for dreams to be the inherent value of human existence, even if it causes pain. Just as her decisions are worth making, even if they result in loss.

“All lives are meant to fight for a desired future,” is the bottom line Lacus arrived at by the end of Destiny. The right to struggle towards your dreams is worth fighting for, the contradiction of mankind is lamentable but ultimately to be protected.

And after the war ends, Lacus has internalized the responsibility she feels for what Durandal wrought. Though she does not want to hold political power, though she wishes she could simply play in her garden for the rest of her life, she realizes now that even her absence can be instrumentalized for harm. By the end of Destiny, Lacus has been locked into her very own bad ending, the exact thing she tried to avoid.

She closes the season where Cagalli begins it, stepping up to the inherent responsibility of having power. It is an intriguing place to leave her. It will require her to step out of the idol image that she has acquired, and to make decisions before she is ready to make them. Both the public and Lacus herself will have to reckon with Lacus’ fallible nature as an individual. The ethereal image of Lacus as the beacon of morality might well be crushed under the weight of Chairwoman Clyne.

Lacus is a reluctant mastermind. A girl with great talent for affecting others, always wishing for a world in which she does not have to use that talent.

Now she is following in the footsteps of a man who was a manifest representation of what a well-intentioned villain she herself could easily become - and she can only hope she’ll make decisions that she can stand by, just as she always has.

#gundam #gundam seed #lacus clyne #flay allster #gilbert durandal #bc i talk a good bit about both of them too #analysis

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belleandkurtbastian · 11 months

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Play It By Ear Episode Bracket: Round 1, Part 1

The preliminary match hasn’t officially finished yet, but as one of the two options is leading by over 85% of the vote, I think the result there is pretty clear…

So, onto the first round of the actual bracket! The official tag is ‘pibe bracket’ if you want to follow it directly. All of the bracket polls will be in there!

Thanks to @incorrect-play-it-by-ear’s biggest bangers polls, some general sounding of results across other discussions in the fandom, and a little bit of just wild guessing, I’ve tried to roughly seed the bracket, so here’s how it stands:

As there are so many votes in Round 1, this will be split into two weeks.

Up this week: The First Eight (Mountport, Season 1, and the first two episodes of Season 2).

Match 1: “Welcome to Mountport” versus “Space Rocks”

Match 2: “Whimsy on Wheels” versus “Animal Style”

Match 3: “Skyline Flight 314” versus “Mallapalooza”

Match 4: “Humpty Dumpty” versus “The Muck of Merkmere”

Get your votes in NOW! Voting ends at 18h00 UTC on Monday 20 November 2023, when the polls for the Second Eight will go live.

#play it by ear #pibe #pibe bracket #jess mckenna #zach reino #dropout #dropout tv #dropout.tv #collegehumor #college humor #mano agapion #play it by ear bracket

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nobodysdaydreams · 1 year

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My Reaction to Episodes 7-10 of Wolf 359 (But first, an update on my reactions for those who are curious...)

Thank you to everyone for your enthusiasm. I wasn't expecting this much excitement for my reactions/liveblogs, but I love it! 🥰

Shoutout to @commsroom for sending me a list of episodes with post credit scenes which include ep 5 cigarette candy, ep 37 overture, and ep 43 persuasion. Thanks Comms Room!

I did go back and listen to the post credits scene for episode 5 and OH MY GOSH HILBERT. WHAT. What. Why. Why? like dude. You're in space! Of all the places to be conducting highly dangerous and deadly and unethical experiments on human test subjects. I've insulted Curtain (tmbs) and Uncle Andrew (narnia) a lot on this blog but I gotta give them credit: at least neither of them were stupid enough to do their experiments in space. Though in Andrew's case, I think that's mostly because he couldn't get to space in 1900s London even if he wanted to.

I currently have Wolf359 Tags blocked to avoid spoilers and will try my best to react blindly.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs

Anyway on to the actual reactions. I did not intend on feeling ill today, but while I take a late lunch break, perhaps I can give a few episodes a listen.

Episode 7:

Interesting that the AI has her own emotions and can fight with them. I wonder what information she's withholding from the captain?

Wow Hilbert should have been a professional chess player instead. I think that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Oh hush up Hilbert I don't trust you. Um...why do I think that Specimen 34 might have indoctrinated Hilbert in his (her? its? their????) cult?

Eiffel. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE THE FERTILIZER IS!

Hopefully that lie will buy a little time.

"Soon you will be allowed to surrender to the growth of your biological superior" ... you know, for a "biologically superior" plant, it might want to try being a tad less ominous.

Mincowski, I like you, and I agree thus far, but listen. Hilbert is worshiping a plant now. This is a huge crisis. What if he uses it to cheat at chess?

Hera and Mincowski. Please. I think this is important. I think Hera needs to be more honest, at least for my sake, because I want the tea.

...Seed of life? ...THE OPPRESSOR? What. who is the oppressor?

Eiffel. Please just get to the point. 👏 Hilbert. 👏 Is. 👏 Worshipping. 👏 A. 👏 Plant. 👏

✨Maybe you should do something✨

"Audrey 2 territory" THERE IS A LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS REFERENCE! I KNEW IT!

Oh they're calling him a plant worshipper now. Finally, acknowledging it for what it is.

Oh dear. He's back.

THE BLESSED ETERNAL?

Wait. That can't be the end. The crew was gonna watch Home Alone 2!

Episode 8:

Huh. This is a cool title. "Box953", which is 359 backwards. Hm. You also get 365 if you scramble the numbers and rotate the 9.

Okay. No more about Commander Mincowski. What happened to the plant, oh I'm sorry, "the blessed eternal". That's such a long name. Can I just call him Percival? Percival the plant. Percy for short.

Talent show???

I do not want to know what Dr. Hilbert's talent is. Creating plant monsters?

Yeah. It is scary that you agree with Hilbert. Again, did I skip an episode??? Where did the plant go??? Where is Percy?

How often has Hilbert been knocking people out? I don't like this.

AND WHERE DID PERCY GO?

I'm sorry. You have a room with HUNDREDS of crates that you've never been into? Oh. Godard Futuristics? Corporate sponsor? I sense some backstory.

...Russian dolls???

(wait...Garrison...???)

Oh no eyes, don't like that. That's weird.

Box 239...paper? Santa letters??

Box 56...canon? Yeah I agree what is all this random stuff for?

Oh that's faster. A log that will tell what's in the boxes. 217 has Lego blocks? 300 has pieces for 3 full suits of armor? Is this like an amazon delivery ship?

"Please handle with a vague feeling of existential dread" always a great thing to read.

Box 953- reserved for Douglas Eiffel. Don't open.

What does that mean?

Hilbert. You were worshipping a plant. The commander singing is not a crisis. Oh, pirate costumes! This is shaping up to be quite the performance!

Does everyone else get a box too? And how is a room with hundreds of boxes go unnoticed after a year and a half. Are the boxes not in order?

Hilbert. I would also fire a shot past your head. The captain needs her ice cream! This insubordination will not stand.

Hilbert doesn't scream for ice cream. Hilbert only screams for the blessed eternal.

Oh and apparently ice cream too. Prioritizes.

And where is Hera? Oh Hera is here? Proud of her for getting into theater.

1,000 and something crates?

Oh. The errors and access denies hurt Hera? That's awful.

Wow. That's a big box.

"Keep closed at all times". Very ominous. Don't like the cold.

HUMMING FROM INSIDE THE BOX? That sounds like a heartbeat? Don't like that. Don't like it at all.

Yeah Eiffel. You can go. You can go and figure out why nothing on the ship makes sense.

Okay. Box open. Don't like those noises.

...

Oh good he's back. ugh we still don't get to know about the box?

Box 56? OH THE CANON. OH BOY.

WAIT. NO. NO. PLEASE TELL ME WE DIDN'T LOSE THE BOXES. PLEASE. Wait. THEY DID? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.............................................................................................................................

Hilbert this was the ONE TIME you could have used your evil science talents for good you had ONE JOB.

There...there was a heartbeat in there. It scared me, and it could have been another evil plant, but...but what if it was a little friend? What if they killed him 🥺?

I wanted to know too Eiffel. I want to know too. This is so sad.

What were the boxes for? Why did Douglas have his own? Why couldn't Hera access it?

Well this was frustrating. I hope you all enjoyed it though.

Episode 9:

Yeah Eiffel. Space is dangerous. Maybe you should all just go home. After all, why do you have to stay here?

Yes please define safe. I don't think that's a simple question. I still wanna know about the blessed plant Percy. And the box.

Canaveral? Command? ...okay backstory the command center stopped giving them calls...I feel like they should have questioned that a bit more...

"The golden rose is ready for melting. Proceed with designation alpha. Beware 5: The empty man has awoken."

Nope. Turn around. Go home. Clearly something nefarious is a foot and WHO OR WHAT IS THE EMPTY MAN? Well, there are only two men on this ship that we know of, plus one woman and an AI. Oh, and about a thousand mysterious boxes which could contain alien life capable of surviving in space that just got launched into space, so I suppose one ought to account for that. Oh and the evil plant monster that seems to show up whenever the crew wants to avoid each other.

Godard futuristics again. Yeah they sure do have some explaining to do. TWO WEEKS TO GET A MESSAGE TO EARTH?

TWO WEEKS TO TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE IN DANGER?

Don't like that.

Don't like Hilbert's response either. He said "what? why?" not "no, why?". If the answer is no, just say no.

Oh more info!

"The andromedas are broken. The northern light should be reversed. Alert 4: The empty man approaches."

Um. What do the numbers mean? And are they telling 5 to beware of the empty man, or someone else to beware because 5 is the empty man?

"The frozen pages are blank. Decide what to do with the time that is given to you. Emergency 3: The empty man hungers."

...

Okay. So it looks like the numbers might be an extremely fast countdown.

...

Well at least there haven't been any more messages.

A lockdown is nice. Unless the monster is already inside.

Good idea: don't give Hilbert a gun.

Yep. there comes another message Eiffel. You had to tempt fate...oh shut up Hilbert I don't want to agree with you.

"The broken flower is in the vase. Don't listen to your eyes. Danger 2: The empty man sees you."

Maybe the empty man took the eyes from the Russian dolls.

OH MR. PRECIVAL PLANT AKA THE BLESSED ETERNAL IS STILL HERE????

Why. Why were they having a talent show? Should capturing and killing the plant not be priority one?

"There's no way out. There's no way out. But there is a way in. Danger 1: The empty man shall knock."

Okay so this is the second message with danger. It's an alert and level system. Beware, Alert, Emergency, Danger, with levels 1-5, with 1 being the worst. Okay.

...weird that they are warning them, and yet they seem to know exactly what the empty man is going to do. That doesn't really make sense.

Oh do NOT like that sound.

"0: The empty man is with you. Extreme Danger 0: The empty man is with you. Extreme Danger."

Is...are they the empty man? Or is the empty man...

"The proceeding six pulse beacon relays that you have received have been part of a psychological experiment. Please disregard the content of these messages and return to regular operational activities as soon as possible. Please report and clearly label any unusual crew behavior, deviation from protocol, or undue lack of decorum that resulted due to the transmission of these messages."

...

Sounds exactly like what the empty man would say.

Suspicious.

Also if the "empty man" was with them...and apparently they can't trust their eyes...then theoretically, the seventh message might not say what they think it says. (Conspiracy theory????)

But my wild theories aside, this was extremely unethical. And I think we ALL know who would call that an experiment. HILBERT.

Wait Douglas used to work at pizza hut? Now he works in space? Uh, congrats on the promotion I guess.

Episode 10:

Oh Nitrogen tanks. Eiffel...I think you might have messed up...

✨Yessssssssssss✨

And...boom goes the Nitrogen!

"One of these days I'll actually kill you" I hope you don't. You two need to team up against Hilbert and his crazy-crazy experiments.

Wait...did they just discover a secret room? ONE HERA CAN'T EVEN SEE?

...so they're all working with limited information...

How did they hide such a huge room? Wouldn't they need to account for that while flying through space.

Dark medical lab. Well. That could be where Percy is hiding out.

GENETIC EXPERIMENTS ON SPIDERS TO MAKE THEM BIGGER?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't like it. I agree. Why wall it up?

Elia Selburg? I can't spell but let's see. "mixed results...specimen growth and development promising but extremely high levels of toxicity unintended side effect. Contact with live specimens extremely dangerous as shown with recent exposure trial. Captain Lovelace has ordered termination..."

Hold on. Lovelace? I've heard that name, I've seen that name before I blocked the tags I think.

Why wall it up? PROBABLY FOR YOUR SAFETY.

Maybe it was walled up to keep something in!

Oh no. Looks like Hera agrees with me.

"What has it been eating?"

Probably the other spiders.

Well Eiffel's done for once again. He was a good character while he lasted. 🫡

Why would you not tell the crew about the secret lab with dangerous spiders? Tell them so they know to keep it walled up! WHO is keeping all these secrets and WHY are they keeping all the secrets?

The sneeze of death. Put your finger under your nose. That will do it.

Nice of him to leave Hera in his will.

Aw the spider is cuddling for warmth. Eiffel has a little friend. A poisonous, deadly friend who has killed and will kill again.

Oh no he snapped.

...but was that the only spider...????

At least Eiffel is okay. And it does look like it was just the one...

...I hope they're right. If they really wanted to be terrifying they could have had it be a pregnant spider. You kill one of those things and BAM! All the baby spiders, hundreds of thousands everywhere. Everywhere. Don't ask how I know this. You don't want to know.

Oh...archives and notebooks. Interesting. I hope we get a chance to look through those.

Well I have actual work I need to try to go but this has been fun. I hope I get some more answers soon, but I am enjoying the mysteries. Thanks everyone for reading, and have a great day!

#bods wolf359 reactions #wolf 359 #wolf359 #w359 #wolf359 reaction #Wolf359 liveblog

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littlemisskittentoes · 8 months

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get to know kittentoes!

this is such a fun way to strengthen connections around the little pod of us that interact in the same fandom space! so a MASSIVE thank you to @happiness-of-the-pursuit for thinking of me to tag!

without further ado, get to know me better under the cut!

First Set

Last Song: Valerie by Amy Whinehouse

Last Film: the new Mean Girls movie!

Currently Reading: okay, this is kind of like, a two part question--

fic-wise: the PJO AU (by Rhys, Manu, and Beas ! and i'm also doing an in-depth portfolio crawl through Sarah's ao3 !

outside of fic: i'm working my way through volume five of Lore Olympus, and reading Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica, and of course, i fall asleep every night to the RWRB audiobook, so that's a constant bip

Currently Watching: i've been informed that i'm supremely late to the game, but i just finished season one of True Detective! and, of course, i'm staying tuned for the weekly episode release of PJO

Currently Consuming: some good old h2o! the last thing i ate were some sugar snap peas!

Currently Craving: an aunt of mine makes these really really tasty salads with different sprouts and seeds, fresh tomato and cucumber from her garden, some avocado, and her own dressing. an Aunt Paula salad would slap right now

Second Set

Were You Named After Anyone?

Yes! Sarah comes from my paternal great grandmother, my middle name comes from my maternal great grandmother!

When Was The Last Time You Cried?

Mmm, two or so weeks ago i got into an altercation with one of the feral cats i take care of while trying to capture them to go to the vet. it did not go well, and i felt awful that i scared him

Do You Have Kids?

i do not! i was in a four year relationship where i took on a kind of 'step parent' role from the time the child was a newborn onward. so, i do occasionally see her. but outside of that, no. and i'm not someone that ever pictures themselves changing that

What Sport Do/Have You You Played?

sigh alright, so i played soccer as a very young child-- not great at it. tried basketball for a bit-- also terrible at that. went for volleyball-- gave a girl a concussion trying to serve overhand. FINALLY, i started cheerleading and ended up as cheer captain for a number of years!

Do You Use Sarcasm?

i think so! i'm pretty sure i use some dry humor occassionally

What's The First Thing You Notice About Other People?

probably smile, or if they have a more general welcoming aura/body language!

What's Your Eye Color?

brown!

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

as much as i'm an absolute hopeless romantic, my go to is actually horror! i'm an adrenaline junkie and LOVE to be scared! i can easily be pursuaded into a romance movie though

Any Talents?

i'm actually a very confident public speaker. i still have some of my cartwheels and splits from my cheer days. and i'm decently okay at keeping up my score during jeopardy! lastly, i'm pretty good with some watercolor paints and a micron pen

Where Where You Born?

Northern US!

What Are Your Hobbies?

i help run a local poetry open mic night, i'm fairly active in my local bdsm scene, and i have a constant revolving door of hobbies i entertain for about a week and completely forget about (most recently it's been crystal 3d puzzles, painting book edges, and making shrinky dink earrings)

Do You Have Any Pets?

so many... i live with my parents at the moment, and they have one dog and eight cats! we also care for a colony of feral cats that live on our property

How Tall Are You?

5'3 (1/2)" ! am smol gorl

Favorite Subject in School?

english! i was also a massive studio art nerd though

Dream Job?

you know, all through undergrad and my master's program, i always said that i would have loved to have been a manuscript editor. i even had an internship helping edit poetry chapbooks! but now that i've found myself in a sphere where I get the privilege of beta-ing for a handful of friends, it feels like that skill set is already able to be used and stretched. so, i'm not super sure! maybe something with animals?

alright!! sending out a no pressure tag to some of my beloveds @inexplicablymine @read-and-write- @affectionatelyrs @gayrootvegetable @anincompletelist @leojfitz @leaves-of-laurelin @matherines @wordsofhoneydew @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @user-anakin

#get to know me #get to know kittentoes #tag game

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wowbright · 1 year

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Tag someone you want to get to know better.

I was tagged by @daisyishedwig and sort of by @gleefulpoppet!

favorite color: I find this question confusing. Do people really have favorite colors?

last song: Don't stop me now by Queen

last movie: vacation friends 2. Oh wait, no, it was Alfred Hitchcock's Notorious.

currently watching: the most recent thing I "watched" was The Dropout on Hulu, but the thing that is ongoing "watching" is The Librarian/s verse. (I say "watching" because I mostly listen in the background and look up occasionally while sewing.) So if we want actual watching, I guess that would be Liebes Kind/Dear Child, but again that is completed and not an ongoing thing.

other stuff I watched this year: our flag means death, what we do in the shadows seasons 4 and 5, all the seasons of only murders in the building, all the seasons and the movie of Miss Fisher's Murder mysteries (the Phryne Fisher version), the new quantum leap, Maniac, The Path... Honestly it's wild how much TV I have watched this year, I've been doing a lot of sewing.

shows I dropped this year/didn't finish: yellowjackets; that other horror show that takes place in the town outside of time and space that randomly sucks in people who are driving and then never lets them leave

currently reading: Feet of clay--a study of gurus by Anthony storr; Kingdom of nauvoo by Benjamin f Park; the Enchanted Castle by Edith nesbit; Dracula by Bram Stoker (in Dracula Daily Order); also there are lots of modern (last three decades) novels I have picked up recently and not been able to get very far in because apparently I am not in the brain space for any original fiction written after 1910. I think I should probably give up and go back to Dickens and Austen and the Bronte sisters, which I haven't read in a while. (I am pretty much always reading one thing or another by Nesbit.)

currently listening to: three of the above are audio books. My favorite recently discovered podcast is Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding. I don't have hoarding disorder but this is just a darn good mental health podcast in general. I highly recommend it. When it is no longer a new podcast to me, it will enter the realm of comfort podcast (ones I like to re-listen to). Other comfort podcasts are Coffee & Cults, Maintenance Phase, and Be Uncluttered. Today I listened to the latest episode of Oh No Ross and Carrie and most weeks I listen to Mormon Stories, except when I get sick of it and need a break.

currently working on: the same quilt I've been working on for the past year or so. And of course Mormon!Klaine (though TBH with the cat dying and migraines, not as much as I'd like).

current obsession: the quilt and mormon!klaine. Sewing reflective tape onto clothing, bags, umbrellas, etc. Also, using up as many arcane ingredients in our pantry as possible. Recently, I used the last of the orange extract and fennel seeds to make granola bars (sounds weird, tasted great!), the arrowroot powder in pumpkin bread and Filipino uraro cookies, the oat fiber to make muffins that didn't taste exactly like sawdust; and the mustard seeds to make cocoa mustard (which sounds weird but is actually yummy, if you like mustard). Next in line is Austrian poppy seed and nut cake to use up the rest of the 1-pound bag of poppy seeds. There's no wheat flour in it, you grind up the poppy seeds and the nuts to make a flour.

Tagging (no pressure): @kurtsascot @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @1908jmd @kurtmckinnon

#tumblr meme #gpoy #questionaire

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star-trek-fandom-confessions · 29 days

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#945

La'an surviving to the events of "Space Seed" would've been really interesting. Not only would Marla being the doting stepmother to La'an's bratty stepdaughter be hilarious but I wonder whether or not the other augments would accept La'an as one of their own or dislike her because she's not as strong as Khan or Una.

#confession 945 #star-trek-fandom-confessions #star trek #strange new worlds #la'an noonien singh #the original series #episode tag: Space Seed #marla mcgivers #khan noonien singh #una chin riley

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ploppythespaceship · 1 year

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The New Prime Timeline - A Star Trek Theory

This week's episode of Strange New Worlds, "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow," did something that I cannot stop thinking about. This episode changed the date of the Eugenics Wars -- and not accidentally. It was clearly done very deliberately, with the writers directly referencing the original date to make it clear that they knew what they were doing. After another rewatch, I just kept asking myself -- why? Why would the writers change this?

And after much pondering and a bit of research into the franchise's history, I think I have an answer. Something that explains not only why the writers would do this, but why it's actually a smart decision -- and some of the interesting implications. It's also led me to a theory about the new batch of Trek shows, which is probably reading too far into it, but is fun to think about regardless.

TL;DR -- most of the modern Trek shows are actually set in a very slightly alternate timeline from the rest of the franchise, created by Romulans interfering with Earth's history, which follows the same general course of events but has subtle alterations.

(After poking around in the tags a bit, it seems I am not the only person who came to a similar conclusion, but I spent several hours on this post and want to share it anyway.)

Join me under the cut for far too deep of a dive into fictional history.

Defining the Events

First, I have to define what events we're even talking about.

The Eugenics Wars were a series of conflicts on Earth after a group of genetically engineered Augments seized power -- the most famous of these being Khan Noonien Singh. The Augments were eventually overthrown, with Khan and his followers escaping to the sleeper ship Botany Bay. The result of these wars was a deep-seated fear and distrust of all genetic engineering within the Federation, leading to the practice being outlawed.

World War III, comparatively, we don't know as much about. It was a devastating worldwide conflict that killed hundreds of millions, and it's intrinsically connected to the Eugenics Wars.

First Contact happened in the aftermath of World War III. When Zefram Cochrane constructed Earth's first warp-capable ship, a passing Vulcan ship caught it on their sensors and chose to make contact with the planet. This ushered in a new age for humanity, leading to world peace and the formation of Earth's socialist utopia. It was a pivotal step towards the ultimate foundation of the Federation.

Dating the Events

So when did these events take place? For the most part, this is fairly easy to pin down.

The Eugenics Wars are consistently dated to the 1990s -- specifically 1992 to 1996. This is established in the TOS episode "Space Seed" and later confirmed by the ENT episode "Borderland."

(The DS9 episode "Doctor Bashir, I Presume?" seems to contradict this, with Bashir stating that the Eugenics Wars were two centuries prior -- placing them in the 22nd century. However, writer Ronald D. Moore has said this was an error on his part -- he borrowed the line from "Space Seed" without accounting for the setting difference. Therefore, I feel pretty comfortable ignoring this one discrepancy outright.)

World War III is dated to the mid 21st century, with the rough dates of 2026 to 2053. The 2026 date comes from a production resource image used in the ENT episode "In a Mirror, Darkly" -- though I do think it should be taken with a grain of salt, considering it gets the First Contact date wrong. The 2053 date, on the other hand, is more certain -- both First Contact and the ENT episode "Terra Prime" state that First Contact occurred ten years after the end of the war, and First Contact has a definitive date of April 5, 2063.

The Problem

So those are the established dates -- Eugenics Wars in the 90s, World War III in the mid 21st century, and First Contact in 2063. However, a few episodes from the 90s and 2000s seem to clash with these dates.

First, we have the VOY episode "Future's End," a time-travel two-parter set in 1996. This would put it either during or directly after the Eugenics Wars, but the episode has absolutely no mention of this. This was intentional -- producer Jeri Taylor stated, "I think those of us who entered into the Nineties realize that the Eugenics Wars simply aren't happening and we chose not to falsify our present, which is a very weird thing to do and be true to it." They also didn't want to alienate casual viewers by having to explain the Eugenics Wars to them.

Second, we have the ENT episode "Carpenter Street," another time-travel episode, this time set in 2004. This is still close enough to the Eugenics Wars to expect seeing some of the fallout, yet there is none visible.

These two are easy enough to shrug off, however. It's possible that the wars just weren't relevant to the story, as humanity was trying to get back to normal. It's also possible that America wasn't involved in the Eugenics Wars -- Khan ruled over Asia and the Middle East, after all, while these episodes take place in San Francisco and Detroit, respectively.

(The DS9 episode "Past Tense" may also come to mind, as it's another time travel story, but I think it actually fits in pretty well. It's set in 2024, and shows the United States on the brink of a massive sociopolitical conflict -- it isn't hard to imagine that they're just a few years away from a worldwide war.)

The thing is, these episodes are running into the same problem -- the dates for these events were settled on decades ago, by writers who never conceived that the franchise would continue for this long. What was once a hypothetical future is now an alternate present. Writers are looking to tell stories that reference and relate to and even directly show our modern day, but they can't do that when they're beholden to these events. And they're put in an awkward spot. Do they lean into these established events, and keep showing modern day Earth as a battleground, and risk losing that direct relatability by not showing the world as we know it?

The answer for a lot of these writers is clearly no. These older shows all managed to just dance around the issue. But it seems like the writers of the current Trek shows have a different strategy in mind.

The Theory

Prior to "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow," there are two moments in modern (post-Discovery) Trek that contradict the established dates for these events pretty hard. Ironically, both episodes were released on the same day.

In the PIC season 2 finale, "Farewell," Adam Soong pulls out a file folder labeled Project Khan -- this is happening in the year 2024, which is obviously not right. Khan would have been created prior to the 90s. However, in a vacuum this could be excused -- the folder doesn't necessarily mean that Khan has yet to be created. Soong could just be looking at an older file. But it is an odd moment.

Then, in the SNW premiere, "Strange New Worlds," Pike is showing images of Earth's history to the people of Kiley 279, while stating, "This is Earth in our 21st century. Before everything went wrong. [...] Our conflict also started with a fight for freedoms. We called it the Second Civil War, then the Eugenics Wars, and finally just World War III." This statement contradicts the dating of the Eugenics Wars in the 90s, and it heavily implies that the Eugenics Wars and World War III are simply different names for the same conflict.

Which finally brings us back to "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow," which tackles this entire mess head-on. La'an and an alternate universe Kirk are sent back in time, to around the year 2022, knowing that they must prevent a change to the timeline. They learn that Romulans from the future have been manipulating Earth's history to slow its progress -- but this isn't what's causing the timeline change they must prevent. The actual change is the death of Khan, who is now still a child in the 2020s due to the Romulan meddling.

As Sera, the undercover Romulan, explains, "It's almost as if time itself is pushing back, and events reinsert themselves. And all this was supposed to happen back in 1992." It sounds as though minor timeline changes don't matter to the overall trajectory of history -- details may change, but as long as the big picture remains more or less the same, the outcome will be the same. Only a massive change, like the absolute prevention of the Eugenics War, causes enough of a ripple to fundamentally alter Federation history. Which is of course what Sera plans to do, and what La'an ultimately prevents, preserving the timeline.

The thing is, the timeline she preserved... I still don't think it's the original timeline. The Romulans have still slowed Earth's progress, and delayed the Eugenics Wars -- if Khan is a child in the 2020s, then the wars likely wouldn't happen til perhaps the 2040s or 50s. This would cause them to run into World War III, and likely alter that conflict as well. It might even delay First Contact -- who knows? I think these changes are enough to cause a slightly altered timeline. The Federation still exists, the same characters still inhabit the same roles, and so on, but it's now a world with a slightly different history. And I think that a lot of the newer Trek shows -- Discovery, Picard, Strange New Worlds, and really any others that they want to include -- are intended to take place in this timeline. This would explain Pike's speech to Kiley 279, as well as the Project Khan folder -- Khan really hadn't been created yet.

More importantly, this slightly altered timeline officially undoes the problem that Trek writers have been running into with time travel stories for decades. The hypothetical future of the Eugenics Wars and World War III is once again a hypothetical future -- it doesn't need to interfere with any stories set in or referencing our modern day.

And if you lean even further into this alternate timeline idea -- which I will call the New Prime Timeline -- things start to make even more sense. For one thing, it could explain why the technology of the new shows looks so different when compared to the older shows it's meant to be similar to. Out-of-universe, this was done because sticking to the 1960s designs would seem cheesy and dated to a modern audience, who have a quite different view of the future -- updating the design just makes sense. But this could offer an in-universe solution, as well. If Romulans were affecting Earth history, and these massive wars that devastated the planet happened decades later, then the development of Earth's technology would be quite different. Future technology would then have a more modern look and feel.

It could even explain minor mismatches between The Original Series and its modern prequels, Discovery and Strange New Worlds. Whenever a character isn't quite acting like themselves, or an event doesn't quite line up, it could simply be a result of this New Prime Timeline.

Now, I honestly don't think the writers would ever go that far with it. I think they fully intend for their shows to be in the same universe and timeline as the older ones. But I also think they intend to stick to this altered Eugenics Wars date going forward, and the ripple effects of that decision are really interesting to think about.

#personal #star trek #strange new worlds #snw spoilers #idk what to even tag this as but i've been working on this all day

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ndostairlyrium · 1 year

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OC approval gifts tag meme

I was tagged by @greypetrel and @blightbear to list what gifts would have my ocs give approval à la origins style! Thanks luvs ;; I love these games so much!

Ela:

Copper bracelet. A cheap accessory, possibly a souvenir, shaped like a crown of laurels

The dialog you could have before acquiring that item would be focused on nostalgia and how she liked to browse those kitschy souvenir stands at the city gates when she visited it with Fergus. They would wear disguises and just spend the day without a single worry, for then being horribly scolded by everyone back at the castle. It would take a lot for her to open up about her roots, so prepare yourself with a ton of gifts that would require killing dragons and spoiling an armory.

Hawke:

Seeds. A tin box engraved with the depiction of a poodle containing mixed seeds

Cabbage, onion, turnip, celery, and carrot. Vegetables he was used to treat back home. He doesn't talk much about his past history as a farmhand, it's something you have to unlock after a few conversations because it's a rather sensitive topic to him - if this was ME this would be a post-loyalty mission cutscene. He really doesn't have much space to cultivate things for himself in Kirkwall, the exception being aromatic herbs. But a box of seeds that suggests him that the countryside is still there whenever he's done with city business? Oh, he's enthusiastic! It means future, and before getting those he was afraid there was nothing left for him.

Ankh:

Expired gift card. A distressed voucher for The Wonders of Thedas with an undead dressed all fancy riding a monocycle

This item has no use, except that it gives her so much serotonin you'd need to dam it or else it would go overboard. She's very passionate about undead and moving skeletons, you can say she loves them to death. She thinks that what possesses them has a distinct curiosity that most people lack and they just want to roam around and see the world. "They wanna be here and be themselves, and nobody acts like that anymore. Demons reflect our imperfections, but also our deepest desires and we are terrified of them because of that. The more we accept our flaws, our interests, our core, the less those entities have power over us. Just let them be and they would do no harm. Also they're fucking hilarious, look at that femur doing kickflips to stay in place!" It doesn't take much to get this information, but it would take a lot for her to discuss her history with questioning authority over drastic decisions - you can unlock it after she receives the card. She would tell you the story of a bad breakup that led her to find an undead threat that her Keeper handled poorly because she choose conveniency over logic. That episode helped her to build the person that she is and the card is a reminder that her uniqueness makes her stronger and better.

I'm tagging (with no pressure whatsoever): @bruxbea @underneathestars @sparatus @that-one-halfwit @moxxihodunk @tatert07s @ratajota @melisusthewee @ladyfenharel

#tag meme #oc approval gifts #ankh #kerry #elanor cousland #kerry as samvise gamgee confirmed #going through my likes and follower list for tags was a lovely experience I really hope I'm not being annoying with it :'#feel free to ignore really

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tartrazeen · 9 months

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uwu

I'm in ship mode.

Starting the new year with some Angus/Deirdre What If fluff.

By What If, I mean I don't actually think this fits in with the show, but they never technically said it couldn't happen uwu

(here's my link to the whole thing)

To set the stage, we know Rohan lived in the castle since he was a kid, and Angus tagged along as part of a package deal. Angus also immediately took to crawling around in the walls, finding passages that were probaby meant for... idk, cats? Maybe? I don't know why there's so much space for him in there, especially as an adult, but there ya go.

But I'm also imagining that with the shape of the stones on the outside of the castle, there are enough handholds for small fingers to find purchase. Experienced rock climbers can get a grip on what seems like a totally flat wall because they can work with such subtle grooves after years of practise. Picture Angus getting into a dozen different places through a mix of gaps between the walls and crawling around on the outside to come in through a window.

Angus and Deirdre technically met in that episode about the curse on Kells, which was just when Rohan went to live in the castle, and immediately after Deirdre referred to Rohan as some "dirty boy". We see Angus getting into Cathbad's chamber, coughing on the way in from all the dust, so no matter how dirty Rohan was, Angus would be even worse. And from the look of things, Angus didn't have a reason to go in the castle until then; the guy makes such a big show of knowing everything about a place when he's introducing someone to it (like Garrett to Tir Na Nog and that kid-prince to Cathbad's chamber too), and he acts like he's never seen this room before.

So.

uwu

Imagine Angus, brand-new to the passages in this castle. He's trying to find his way to where Rohan is, but this place is a maze. He's never truly sure which room he's about to pop out of, but he does realize - after going in a few circles - that there are more than a few ways to enter certain rooms.

Deirdre, who's passing through these halls, hears louder skittering than any rat (or cat) she's heard before. She's curious, and she's bored from all of her princess lessons, so this is the perfect spark of excitement to go see what it is. She follows it around, trying to keep up with it going up and down the floors. It goes all the way until she's in an empty guest room, creeping closer and closer towards the fireplace.

And then out pops a soot monster.

(it's angus but she doesn't know that yet)

Deirdre's surprised for half a second, and then outraged that this even dirtier boy is intruding through her castle walls. Angus can't see her because he's got soot over his eyes, so he doesn't know this is the princess yet. But he figures it out after he pats himself off and covers the whole room in soot, getting Deirdre to start coughing and angrily yell for the guards. That makes everything snap into sense, and Angus is back in the fireplace and off through the walls a second later.

Then the rest of the episode with the curse happens, Angus finds Rohan, the two of them meet Deirdre, and they (or Rohan at least) pretty much never talk to her again until they're adults - based on how they are with each other in the first episode, anyway.

Except now I'm gonna change what happened over the years to plant some better seeds for a budding princess-and-thief romance. 😌

Angus is still going to want to visit Rohan while they're growing up (obviously). He's also going to want to map out the rest of this castle. So he visits, and he explores, and he stumbles into empty rooms, and he leaves a sooty mess behind, and he disappears before anyone else can catch him. He and Rohan probably giggle about this since the servants would mention some soot-ghost causing them all this extra work, and - more importantly - annoying the princess, who says it's some boy that's running around. Rohan won't admit a thing to Cathbad, and Angus is good at staying hidden.

Then one day, he crawls out of a passage in the corner of a room, and comes face-to-knee with...

😵‍💫 Deirdre.

Angus has just found out where her room is, and she is not happy.

She isn't the type to start hysterically screaming for help right away, and now that she's met Angus at least once (during the curse episode), she's much more likely to look down at him crawling in from that corner and go, "YOU. 😠 You're the one who's been hiding in the walls."

Angus goes "whoops" and disappears again, leaving Deirdre to shove some furniture over the hole to block it up.

A few nights after that, and Deirdre - stubbornly getting through her needlework in a different room - sees some soot sprinkle down and onto her fabric. She looks up, and beside a hole in the ceiling by the chandelier, she sees Angus. She goes, "😠," he goes, "🤫" and then he disappears again. Deirdre is scolded for getting distracted and quietly returns to her stitches.

A few nights after that, Deirdre hears rustling from behind the wardrobe in her room. She gets up to go see if it's a mouse that's been trapped... and finds Angus chomping on food he's stolen from the royal pantry. Clearly he's mapped out that route, but he mesed up on finding his way back to Rohan and on finding a better spot to rest for a snack.

Deirdre goes, "😠 OUT." Angus goes "😮 oop" and takes off again.

The key to this is that Deirdre thinks Angus is a pest, enough to want him gone, but is having an easy time getting rid of Angus by herself. No guards required, or else everything would forcibly end early.

There are a other few milestones I picture happening along the way when they're still kids, like Deirdre hearing muffled breathing from somewhere in her room, just to explore and find Angus behind the wall of another corner, only just visible behind a smaller hole that - for once - he can't actually fit through.

Except he's just snoozing back there.

He scatters when she wakes him up - throwing a rock at him or something, because he's in her castle and she isn't going to touch him when he's so filthy - but weeks later, he's in there again. Same thing happens. The third time, though, is when he doesn't really wake up from her snapping at him. With the hole being just smaller than their heads, she can't quite get a good look at him, but she ducks down and puts her ear against it to listen, all to hear him shivering. She thought it was the pop of the fire in the hearth, but it's him.

It occurs to her that the reason he's in this part of the wall is because it's beside her fire. He's freezing. It was winter but she hadn't made the connection to the cold and needing shelter. She knows he has a friend in the castle, but she assumes he wasn't allowed to stay with him because of Cathbad. Their druid's complained about him occasionally to her father.

She considers doubling down and waking him up for sure, but... well, the fire drowns out the noise, he's quiet enough anyway, and it isn't like he can get in here through that small hole in the corner. She puts a basket in the way to be safe, casually adds more wood to fireplace, and returns to bed. He isn't allowed to stay there forever, but if it's so cold that he has nowhere else to be, he can stay for one night.

She never asks about his circumstances, since he's a peasant and it's obvious what they'd be, but on the nights that it's cold enough to warrant a fire, she gets into a loose habit of checking if he's there before she goes to sleep. They don't bother each other, but if he's there when she checks (he sometimes is), she'll add more firewood.

He's interesting to her. There aren't any other kids around, and certainly not any boys (she's not counting Cathbad's apprentice). She's peeked at him during the night a few times, like he was a new kitten in a barn or something. He's always either been asleep or already gone to wherever he goes. Both are interesting, even though she has to wonder how he's somehow never awake to notice.

Another milestone is a time she's lost something. A necklace, maybe, and one that was important to her. She looks in her room and all over the castle, but it's nowhere to be found. Some time later, after another night she's cried herself to sleep, she hears a soft clink in the corner by the fire. There's no fire tonight, since it's quite warm this time of year. She gets up to investigate anyway, and finds her necklace beside the basket, which was pushed to the side a bit. There's no one behind the wall. She even calls out to be sure, and there's silence.

It's never really clear if she did lose it or if 'someone' took it in the first place. All she knows is that she got it back and she's grateful. Eventually, she decides she must have lost it. Every way of getting in here is blocked off by something already, and she doesn't think he'd be reckless enough to come in through the window.

She doesn't hear him for months after that. No scurrying, no snoozing, no snacking. She's pleased that it's finally done, and proud to have endured it...

... but one night, she decides to leave an apple in the spot behind her wardrobe. It's where he'd been snacking when she caught him that time.

The apple's still there days later. There are a few bites missing, but they look like rat bites. She throws the apple away, embarrassed by the whose idea, but a month later, the urge to try again returns. It might have something to do with Cathbad's newest complaints, meaning Angus hasn't actually disappeared. She leaves better snacks by the other corner, the one small hole by her fireplace, and waits to see if it's gone the next morning.

It isn't.

She's even more embarrassed. There aren't many kids she's allowed to talk to (including Cathbad's apprentice), and if she wasn't talking to Angus...

Well. It was probably for the best. That was the thing with strays: feed them and they never leave. Since she didn't accidentally feed anything, nothing is going to stay to bother her. Especially not a boy who wasn't supposed to be here in the first place.

... She keeps trying occasionally. Just to see if he'd come back.

A couple of years pass, and she hears a commotion outside her door. It's a guard running through a hall. Nothing to be worried about, she thinks, and she's about to forget it entirely when something comes in through her window.

It's Angus. :3 Crash-landing.

Trying as hard as he can to smile his way out of her screaming at him while he's still upside-down and on his head ¯⁠\⁠_⁠༼⁠ ⁠ಥ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠ಥ⁠ ⁠༽⁠_⁠/⁠¯

She's furious at the intrusion, demanding to know who he is to barge into the princess' room. She'll have forgotten his name at this point, since it's been so long, but she has a keen awareness that she knew it once. She'd never ask for it, though, and lucky for him, Angus doesn't misinterpret her demand as that. He's scrambling to right himself and say that he's just passing through, just has to get behind the wardrobe to leave, even moving over to it to start pulling it away from the corner it's been blocking for years.

Deirdre instantly cuts in front of him. He's not touching anything in her room, and she wants him out of it.

In the very back of her mind, she notices he's grown. He's taller than her now. Before, they were almost the same height.

He swears he'll be gone just as soon as she moves, but there's a knock at the door firsn. Deirdre's maid heard her in there and is asking if she's alright. There's an instantly pleading look on Angus' face, and Deirdre glares him into silence because she can't be bothered to kick up a fuss over this. Sweetly, she calls back that everything's fine, and the maid says that's good, but it's also cleaning time so can please she come in. Angus is like o_o because he needs to move the wardrobe out of the way, and that's decently loud.

I guess Deirdre gets inspired by his panic and decides to teach him a lesson. She says the maid can of course come in, but to please start at a certain corner. Angus goes O_O as the door opens for the maid to enter, and Deirdre shrugs while she leaves him to hide. He darts behind the massive curtain beside her window, since there aren't any other options.

The maid starts cleaning around the room, suspicious that the princess is paying this so much attention. Deirdre says everything is fine, but just as the maid comes up to fix the curtain, Deirdre asks her to clean under the bed right now. Not for any particular reason. Just as an order.

As the maid slowly agrees and turns around to do so, Angus sneaks out from the curtain and Deirdre points to under the desk. When the maid finishes there, she's about to go to the desk next, but Deirdre asks if she can go tidy the wardrobe next - and points Angus to under the bed, who figured out what's happening and goes >:( on the way. Deirdre has a great time leading the maid around the room like this, especially as the maid says it's strange that the floor is so worn beside the wardrobe, like someone's been repeatedly moving it. Angus is back to going o_o as Deirdre says, "Really? :3 That's so interesting - what interesting information that is."

Finally, when the maid leaves and Angus can get up, Deirdre scowls and says, "Do not go through my room, or I'll have every guard in my castle drag you to the dungeon."

Angus gives an awkward little bow, and then goes over to the wardrobe, loudly scraping it against the floor as he pivots it to reveal that hidden passage in the corner. Deirdre doesn't even bother saying he could've gone through the door, and simply watches him crawl through and loooudlyyyy scrape the wardrobe over the floor again as he pulls it back in place behind him.

Deirdre puts a small vase at the foot of the wardrobe. Sure enough, weeks later, the vase is awkwardly sat a few feet away - like someone pulled the wardrobe back into place behind them, but couldn't sneakily reach the vase to reset it too.

Once - and only once - the guards are particularly upset. She walks past them and into her room, just to see the wardrobe pulled slightly away from the wall. She rolls her eyes and goes to move it properly, but stops when she puts a hand on it and feels that it's wet. She sees blood on her palm when she checks it.

Before she can do anything, her door flies open and a guard barges in. Deirdre whirls around, and the guard - apologizing profusely for not realizing this was her room, having simply been told to search everywhere - tries to peek around while explaining that they're after a Temran spy. Deirdre tells him to search somewhere else because this is her room, but only when the guard lingers does she fully snap and tell him to gtfo right this second. It works, and the guard jumps and scurries away.

She checks outside the door and sees more guards crowding the halls. Then she firmly shuts the door and locks it. The smear of blood on her palm catches her attention again, and she slowly decides to wipe it off the wardrobe before anyone else happens to find it. She's procrastinating, she supposes, because eventually she starts having to check around the room herself.

She's only vaguely concerned that she's locked herself in with a spy, because a spy wouldn't know about that hole behind her wardrobe. There's nothing behind the curtain, but under the bed, there's Angus - eyes shut like he's playing dead.

She doesn't yell at him this time. After she's done peeking out of that same, young curiosity, she takes a true look for blood and sees his hand's wrapped but leaking through. Wordlessly, she stands back up, finds another wrapping in her desk, grabs an apple from a bowl in her room, and puts both of them on the ground beside her bed in silence. But she's still not exactly happy at this, and doesn't want to seem like she's condoning it. Just to be safe, she kicks the apple over to him, and is satisfied by the little snort of disapproval that earns. It means he is only playing dead.

Ten minutes go by before she finally hears some muffled chewing.

Angus is gone in the morning, along with any trace he'd been there. He must have gone back out through the window, because the door is still locked and the wardrobe was still slightly ajar. The guards caught the spy eventually; it was someone else, and the king notices how unusually pleased his daughter is to hear that.

I don't want these two getting too close while they're kids, because I still want everything to line up with the first episode, where Deirdre's pretty damn unhappy to have him knock her over and doesn't seem to know Rohan that well either. But I do want there to be some established level of familiarity with each other, because she was fast at kicking him for kicking her (which is very unusual for her; she's usually more composed than that, outside of the one time she punched Pyre lol) but Angus reacted like it was normal for them. So there's like a friendly, unique, antagonistic banter built up over the years, where Deirdre's more than comfortable snapping at him, teasing him, and touching him than she is with anyone else, who she always has to be A Princess™ with.

What I love about this is the curiosity Deirdre has. It's completely unspoken and easy to deny, even to herself, but she keeps finding reasons to be drawn to him. When she's young, she sorta treats it like she has a pet? Like a wild rat or something that she pretends is her pet, because she feeds it every so often. She keeps enough distance to avoid getting too attached, but she's quietly delighted to see signs of him around. She's also furious to see any mess because ew, a rat.

Meanwhile Angus gets more and more desensitized to her. He gets kicked by her and doesn't have any problem snapping back an excuse - almost like he does when he's being yelled at by Cathbad. He's comfortable enough to overstep their formal boundaries, but is still fully aware he has overstepped and is cautiously testing the new, 'real' boundaries that exist: he can hide in her room if he's desperate, she won't immediately call the guards if he doesn't make a mess, but she has very little patience for him altogether. It's enough for him to be cheekier and tease her back when he's not in her room (doing his "i think the princess would prefer my hand" schtick), but also to avoid rocking the boat so hard that he loses the tiny privilege he has. Well, until he gets more comfortable and bolder with his teasing over the course of the show.

The pet thing matters too, because I'd like to think the arrangement of Angus being in Deirdre's walls doesn't change. Angus doesn't just stop using those passages, but they wouldn't turn every night into a sleepover. Maybe once, Deirdre would hear a sound in the wall that wakes her up, and she'd nervously call out, "Angus?" And there'd be silence for a moment before he says back, "... Yup?" And that'd be the end of it. They don't have to talk, and there's a look of understanding between them the next morning. (Especially 'cause there's a guard who's pissed about something.) (Deirdre swears she doesn't think it's funny, and Angus swears he totally didn't see her grinning.)

But that emotional distance is important because Angus still defers to Rohan - and hell, even Garrett - as the real End Game for Deirdre. He's just a funny little pet rat that scurries around the walls sometimes. A jester at best. Nothing more, even if he's openly asking her for a kiss. He's completely harmless.

The truest test would be one night in the middle of the show, when Angus is passing through and hears crying. It's Deirdre, mourning her mother, since she never got to see everything Deirdre's accomplished over the years. He's torn on whether he should ignore this like they always do - this is her room, after all, so part of arrangement means respecting her privacy - but then he hears her call out, "Angus?"

He doesn't answer. In fact, he stays silent long enough for Deirdre to bury herself back in her pillow and weep.

It doesn't feel right for him to intrude on her.

He crawls through, back on his way, when he realizes there's no chance she would have heard him. She was guessing to see if he was there. That worries him, because there's a good chance that was to scream at him after correctly assuming he was intruding. He's already back to space where he can start climbing down outside as he thinks this. He can't explain why the hell he doesn't, because he really can't afford to lose his Wall privileges, but he climbs up instead - and through her window.

Deirdre doesn't notice until Angus has his hand gently on her back. At that, she's a bit startled, but mostly just relieved to see someone there. She doesn't hesitate to sit up and pull him around her, taking all the support she can get from him quietly holding her. He stays until she's asleep, and he's gone long before she's awake.

There's no look of understanding shared the next morning, because Angus just doesn't look at her. It's not meant to be rude, just affirming that they were both going to politely pretend it didn't happen. And it doesn't last forever, obviously. Angus does deliberately - cheekily, as always - find her afterwards and maybe even spins her around as extra proof that this is no big deal, and asks if she's okay. She says she is, and he ends it there almost instantly, trying to spare them from her awkwardly thanking him out of obligation. Somehow, it's exactly what they need to reset things. It's their emotional wardrobe sliding back in place over their emotional... emotions.

But just like the real wardrobe, even if Angus thinks he's sealed everything up again, there's something still out of place from Deirdre's side. In the moment, she'd really wanted anyone to comfort her. She'd only called out for Angus since he was the sole person with a chance of being in earshot. But the more she thought about it, she didn't know who else she could've asked for. Angus holding her felt so close and right, like he alone had any chance of soothing her.

She's not going to think about it. She's going to move the emotional vase back in front of the emotional wardrobe, but she's keenly aware that this happened.

And she's curious to see if she can feel like that again.

#mystic knights of tir na nog #my stuff #good job tartra #SEE I DON'T ONLY RAMBLE ABOUT ROHAN

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