#even if i'm a couple days late now?
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Day 24: Lonely
Jeremy is happy with his new friends. So what is this feeling? Jealously?
#be more chill#the squip#squip#jeremy heere#rich goranski#brooke lohst#chloe valentine#squipril#squipril 2024#me doing art#is it okay to still upload these prompts#even if i'm a couple days late now?#either way#i am gonna spend my weekend catching up on the prompts now#i'll do my best#i promise#anyway#poor squippy#:<<#needs some friends
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My birthday is coming up on Monday--
normally I'm pretty excited but this year I'm very down. I miss my family, who I haven't been able to visit since spring of 2019 due to covid and my health, and things are just hard.
I've shared my Amazon wish list the past couple of years, and getting little prezzies (even very practical things like food staples) is a definite mood booster.
That said:
If you wanna look at my wish list it's here! Feel free to send me something not through Amazon-- if we're friends just message me and I'll probably be happy to send my address. I'll take cards/mail that way too :)
I'm also hoping to be able to afford a takeaway meal on my birthday, so if you can send me a little money to do that I'll always be grateful.
My venmo is Megan-Beene and my PayPal is homosocial.
Also with the state of the world as it is, if you'd rather send $ to fund e-sims to gaza or help a Palestinian family, that would also make me happy. Here's a link to verified gofundmes.
Many of you have helped me out in the past and I always appreciate it so much. Sharing/reblogging this is appreciated, as are birthday messages on Monday (or before or after)
#my birthday#wishlist#there's a bunch of silly and practical things on there#and for the gaza stuff-- even a couple dollars adds up!!#it's especially strange/hard asking for this right now given the state of the world#but I'm not kidding when i say it's been hard lately#so many crashes and bad fatigue days#plus i was gonna have a smaller bday gathering with only 5 ppl max#and so far i have 1 yes with caveats and 1 no#and 3 people who didn't even like the message :/#it's hitting my 'people have finally gotten tired of you' fears pretty hard
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I thought newgrounds died years ago. Pleasantly surprised to see it's still around
i haven't used it since middle school to play demented flash games and watch animations, i was also surprised to know it survived the flash purge lol. a lot of people are recommending it though and it never hurts to have yet another platform to fall back on. i didn't even know it was a regular art site either tbh 🥴
#ask#anonymous#anon#newgrounds#it has a post limit that i just hit lol#fifty posts in one day is too many#it always has kind of an edgy vibe in my mind though so i never made an account even though i've been hearing about it the last#couple years with all the other social medias fucking Failing artists the way they've been#i don't think my art really suits the website but hey fuck around find out. maybe it's fine. i dunno. i dont even use it how would i know#So Now I'm Using It And We'll See#spending lots of time uploading art to new websites lately between sheezy art and now newgrounds
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gratitude list time I'll go first
#stopped caring about some things I was caring far too much about#it's another rainy dreary day which means I can wear cozy clothes and curl up with my brother's dog and coffee and a book#little guy and I are just chillin. he's tiny and shorthaired so he gets cold easily and likes to cuddle up#and seeing as I'm the only person home rn... doggo cuddle time it is!!!#I've been reading more lately!! I'm having trouble with tbosas so I got out a couple other things (sea of tranquility included)#that I've really enjoyed. I'm reading turtles all the way down right now and oh boy I forgot how nice a little contemporary#coming of age novel can be at times. also forgot that john green is a genuinely good writer. as in I personally enjoy his style.#let's see... my favorite sound guy for church is home from college for the summer which means THERES SOMEONE HERE#WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW THE SOUND SYSTEM WORKS. me and the other sound guys have been barely#managing the last couple months bc there's been a ton of random technical glitches (the system is pretty old tbh)#so HALLELUJAH THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT TO DO IS BACK!!!!#I've been branching out into a bunch of things I wouldn't have thought to enjoy lately bc of the time I've been spending#with my sister in law. music and tv shows and even foods and stuff!!!#Gurt is coming to visit me in a week and a day!!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED#and last but certainly not least I gave myself bangs again and honestly I'm so happy about it.
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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Papyrus, what do you think the future holds?
#underswap mh#6th anniversary ask blog event#noodle (swap mh papyrus)#having suddenly gotten very into spaghetti lately I am Feeling that one line#a couple weeks ago the shop didn't have my usual tomato sauce. so I tried making one myself with the few ingredients I already had#I've never been very good at making my own sauces. they usually don't turn out even half as good as shop-bought ones#but this time it turned out so good. it doesn't even need anything extra it's literally just spaghetti and Good Sauce#so now I keep making it every few days and I'm always looking forward to it :]#in general I always try to find one little thing to look forward to the next day. even if everything else is awful I have 1 Thing today#it goes a lot of good for my mental state
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Things I did to prepare for Key:
brought my laptop to work
put on a movie for one of my classes so I could download the game
-movie was rated R, there were so many tits in my classroom, absolute fuckup
made another class watch a video on youtube and reflect on it, told them I was grading videos from seniors
-put in headphones and started playing the game while 'teaching'
continued playing the game while one of my classes was testing
-pretty sure someone cheated, did not have capacity to care - had already caught someone that morning, didn't want to go through the process again
-lied to them about grading senior papers too
breakfast for dinner
gave my next day's first, third, and fifth periods to a coworker (I didn't have 2nd or 3rd)
fell asleep at work today
(continued to let my class watch the rated R movie so I could actually grade the papers I was supposedly grading before)
#Key#don't tell my boss how badly I halfassed these past couple of days#because from his perspective I'm still pretty on top of things - at least compared to him#he asked to speak with me at the end of the day and I thought a parent had complained about the movie#no - he apologised for not being on top of something I had e-mailed about earlier this week and wanted to check in on it#every time I worry I'm bad at my job there is someone doing a worse job that makes me feel better about myself#I'll eventually post more about the game itself#but I actually do need to get my senior stuff done cause they graduate on Sunday#though I did get my last kid to passing today#now all of my seniors will pass my classes#idk about their others#except for one of them - that has three kids - my seniors needed to pass my classes for graduation#my freshies are not all going to pass#but it's on them#because if you turn in the classwork - even if tests aren't your thing - you will pass#I had a kid last year who will not be earning a diploma and literally cannot read who passed my class#because all you need to do is turn in the fucking work - even if you're getting 30s on tests and your work is crap - just complete it#thanks for reading my rambles this far - I promise I do care so much for my kids#just irritated with a few right now#(before you come for me - I accept late work for partial credit#until the last day of class which is more lenient than the school's policy)
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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....
#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth#she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her#directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her#and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because#you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple#days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and#she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only#give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i#didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she#says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was#really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think#for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe#since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a#fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if#i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person#to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a#conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a#hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend#group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.
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when I love something this much and get overwhelmed by it whyyyye does it then make me want to harm
#like it happens more and more often lately#and i don't! like I'm couple hours over 29 days clean rn. so it's not like i indulge the desire or anything. it just gets more and more#frequent that that desire is there like the overwhelm threshhold keeps getting closer and closer to my everyday life and that scares me tbh#bc im not even back at uni yet#this is why i think it's veryvery likely that the habit will :) return :) with a vengeance during uni :) (aaaaaa :(((( )#tw sh#personal#puddleglum hours#i don't UNDERSTNAD this i hate it#i hate it so damn much#can i just. does that mean i cannot actually experience things that bring me pleasure because somehow that magically translates to#'go harm so you can calm down' like what is my brain doing i hate this#also it makes it harder to breathe as wel apparently#and ive got hardlyanything done this evening and i had stuff to do :<#so! i had a wonderful time watching that film and now i hate myself :)
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godddddd wasting time and energy on things that don't fucking matter has got to be THE worst feeling
#personal#i felt super embarrassed in my korean lesson today#because I didn't have a lot of time the last couple of weeks and I was trying to resolve the situation w the other tutor#when i should have just cut my losses and bailed#and look i know i'm learning there's literally no reason to be embarrassed etc but i am insane so that's not an option LOL#i should have somehow already known the contents of the lesson and therefore not needed the lesson hope this helps#but actually it was like i spent what little time i had preparing for the other lesson that was stupid and pointless rather than this one#and that just made me feel :( you know#in fairness to me my mental health was circling the drain literally until 2 days ago#so the last couple of days have just been like *sweeps up the carnage of various mental breakdowns and other insane behavior* LOL#but idk just generally feeling frustrated with myself even tho that's not super helpful#also frustrated that stupid bullshit has been taking up way too much of my time and energy lately#and it seems like the more i try to get the stupid bs out of the way the more it just dominates my life somehow#also super helpful that my brain's natural response to this state of being is 'well maybe you can't do anything right and should die :)'#like okay ty for your input LOL#despite how this sounds actually my korean lesson was REALLY good LOL#it was so good I just like got upset about wasting time on other bs you know??#anyway ty for coming to my nightly overshare i actually feel better now#love to shout into the void#exciting korean learning tag
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yeah so next time i'm at ois's i'll definitly see if he'd let me try another of his meds just to see whether it's a fluke or not lol
#like he doesn't take them daily as he's meant to so he always has a surplus#Usually he just uses them until they run out and then fills the perscription - its not something he does every month on the month yknow?#and yeah he has been v open to my trying it out since i told him about my suspicions#well.. after the first time i told him & it was a lil bit of a shitshow but that was bad reactions on both our parts & we're over it now lo#he even said that like yeah#given that a common tester is seeing how you react to the meds#whether you go 'zoom zoom get a million things done in 20 minutes' or 'hey i can do these tasks with less pushback now'#and yeah i'm certainly not zooming#like hell i'm still on the conclusion i've been writing for the past couple hours#but its just easier to get it done#idk i'm rambling sorry lmao#a n y w a y i took it like 2 hours ago and it's a normal-speed release as far aas i'm aware so i'll probs just work on this for a lil while#like what i'm currently working on was due wednesday gone at 3pm (so like 49 hours ago here) and apparantly you lose 10% every day late#but i've had this lecturer for two other modules previous years and she never docks marks for lateness and i did a great presentation#for the module so here's hoping <3#well that was certainly a tangent lmao#me talking into the little hellsite (affectionate)
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#oh google. how do i fight the Melancholic Aches#y'know i'd nearly forgotten it was fall#until i got sick. n it was actually cold for about two or three days in a row sdkfjghfdg#n i dunno#something something your body remembers things before you do#n it feels. like if emotions were waves and i were standing at the shore. the waves were calm up till now n#now it feels like i was pulled in out of nowhere and my lungs are full of saltwater and it's sloshing around my heart and weighing it down#it's always this time of year#is that like a universal thing? or is it just coincidence#it's like this every year. (i mourn the previous) and just generally get caught up missing things#and then you couple that with all the other given circumstances and how *lonely* it's been lately. i mean how Really. lonely it's been#because like. the years up til now (i thought) were manageable. like 2020-2022#(even though shit kind of hit the fan anyways. dfkjhfdgh. it's at least a little easier with people you love around. and it's at least a li#easier when you think they'll stay)#n now i'm just a lil lost and scared. and tired and i ache. and i am just a little sad#...#i try to make the best of things nowadays but it's just a bit much today n that's okay. there's always tomorrow#m'gonna go make some tea#sap says#i've been thinking of making a separate blog for poems and thoughts but quite frankly i can't be bothered rn. skdjfhgf#maybe sometime though
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i fear my love for art history will be corrupted by my italian renaissance class
#i've had this professor before and i love her lectures but. she's started assigning so. much. work#like if i didn't take this class this semester would be easy but now it's barely bearable#so i'm an auditory learner and that's great and all for lecture#but this professor keeps assigning 30-40 page readings regularly in the tiniest little font and we have to write a 3-5 page essay on it#the essay is easy but the reading. i just can't do it. i forget everything it's about by the next day#but we have to read at least one super-long chapter each week and on top of that i'm technically supposed to be going to art events#outside of class time. but i'm not an art major and i can't be on campus that late so i'm just going to take some Fs for that ig#and we have a group project that consists of a reading an essay a second essay a powerpoint another paper and we have to present#which that is happening this friday so yayyyyy (boooooo)#and then we have a really big paper/project to do that i'm probably supposed to be working on but i have not#ughhhhhhhhhh yes i'm complaining i'm allowed to do that it's good for me even. but still#i had the slightest feeling that i should've dropped out a couple weeks in and i should have listened this class is a nightmare#and i actually love art history. i love the subject so so much. and i memorize things that i'm told. i could literally repeat her lectures#but the fucking textbook makes everything awful#i feel bad for my partner for the group assignment bc she's so on top of shit and i'm behind#though i kinda lucked out w my partner. she's like in her 40s or 50s and she looks at me like i'm a lost puppy and that is great for#working together ngl. it means that she's sympathetic and thinks she has to take the lead#usually i take the lead w group projects bc i'm that kind of person but i'm busy so i will let her be in charge#ok done complaining if u see me on here yell at me about my project
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CALRON (Taylor's Version) — fearless
you're not sorry / fearless / you belong with me / love story / hey stephen / white horse / the way i loved you / the other side of the door
#mine#megane's birthday week#day seven: romance#our couples are taylor swift eras#the initial theme was 'fav romantic paring' and i don't have one right now#BUT I do have an obsession for Taylor Swift#(even more since i had tickets for the eras tour)#and like i'm 2 months late so i wanted to make up for it#so i was like “why not do something for all our couples?”#and then i was like OMG WAIT OUR COUPLES AS THE ERA THAT FIT THEM THE MOST!!!#had that idea in the bus and was i basically lost then#i don't know how many hours i took just listening to all the albums to make the best repartition#for some it was harder than others#but it's obvious that calron is sooo fearless coded!!#like first of all that sunlight yellow? them#and the songs!!#the 'face of an angel' as a parallel from 2 songs made me laugh so much#cause damn does it fit them...#okay stopping with my obsession now#i love calron as fearless idc!!#aeron le fey#aeron x calypso
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can't decide which thing to write again do y'all want roommates pt2 or argyle goes to scoops first
#haven't been able to write anything more than a couple sentences in an actual fic in days tbh i've felt so discouraged lately‚ so this is#me trying to create the illusion of accountability again so i can write#also this has been the shittiest past two weeks i've had in years irl and i desperately need the escapism i just keep flipping between the#two and not achieving anything that way gfhfjdk#y'all are my spin the wheel <3 decide for me boy#they both involve short shorts if it helps#[kevin malone weighing options voice] argyle flustered about the scoops shorts or argyle getting his dick su-#[spoilers bus runs me over]#honestly i probably shouldn't even say what i'm writing considering i've noticed my ideas getting copied again at least a couple times#anyway i'm shutting my mouth now#:)
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