#even tho i've basically been single for a month now anyway

[manonamora-if]

Retrospective 2023 (2)

See Part 1 for the Retrospective Infographic

2023 has been a rollercoaster of stuff, with some very high-highs, and some pretty low-lows. Things have been pretty busy this year, then got busier and weirder. I didn't manage to do things I wanted to do, ending up doing a lot of different things instead. This year was kinda the perfect storm to do all those new stuff and experimentation I've published.

It's been good, it's been bad, it's been ugly, and it's been cool. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Long post ahead - breaking here.

Goals for 2023

Last year, I made big-ass post about what I hoped to achieved during those next 12 months. The main one being: Get things off my desk and shelf it for good! The goal was to finish WIPs and remasters of "completed" projects.

And I... somewhat did that? But also... did whatever. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Taking the list of the "plan":

Goncharov Escapes! was: re-written, re-coded, and translated (to French). The new version also now includes music!

La Petite Mort was: re-written, added content, and translated (to English) for this year's Ectocomp. It just need one more or two things tho

The demo of P-Rix - Space Trucker is now playable on mobile! (and the template based on the game is out too)

The Trials and Tribulations of Edward Harcourt didn't get just one but TWO updates last year!

A bunch of templates! 5 to be exact: 3 focused more on visuals (Sci-Fi, VN, Title), and the other 2 more on code (Setting, Charac Creator).

So... what's extra? Well... a lot. Maybe too much...

A lot of new titles under my name: DOL-OS, The Rye in the Dark City (wip), The Roads not Taken, À la Campagne, Entre-d'oeuf coquilles/An Eggcellent Preparation, Collision, Intersigne, Clarence Street 14, The Dinner, In the Blink of an Eye, Tower of Sleep, and Dévoiement. From bite-size to full large game, that makes TWELVE new thing this year! I... may have gone a bit overboard with this...

Aside from the template, I've also worked on the SugarCube Guide, a guide that covers all markup, macros, functions, methods, and APIs of the SugarCube format. From the basics to the very advanced code ~ Which will receive another update when the 2.37 comes out for real.

After the @seedcomp-if, I continued to organised more IF events: Neo-Twiny Jam, Single Choice Jam, Orifice Jam, Bring Out Your Ghost, Bare-Bones Jam, ShuffleComp... and helped out other events (the IFComp, y'all!).

I've been a tad less active on the Tumblr front lately, mainly because I've hung out more on the Forum or the @neointeractives Discord. But I've been plenty active reviewing games, especially since last May (@manonamora-if-reviews). The count is over 300 now...

I made a zine?????

So yeah... A LOT this year. (and there would have been more had I not gotten sick...)

2023 Achievements and Milestones

There were probably a bunch of itch/analytics milestones this year, but... I've tried to stay away from numbers as much as I could, because I realised it was a source of anxiety. I want to make games for fun, not worry that I haven't achieved a certain play level by a certain date. So I've even edited my itch's dashboard to hide it all. (I'm still updating the analytics sheet once in a while tho) And anyway... nothing will ever be as popular as CRWL, even when I'm trying to push other - and much better imo - games down everyone's throats.

Some other stats on itch:

22 [total] games on itch (incl. the experiments & demos) we're getting closer to my goal of 1 game/birthdays

9 free-to-use prompts

7 free-to-use templates

3 coding guides

1 zine

I also participated in 22 different jams and comps, almost always using one game for multiple jams at once (I'm crazy, but not that crazy). I ranked pretty high on multiple jams, which I am really happy about, and got some amazing reviews and lovely comments. A bunch of my games from 2022 were nominated for the IFDB Awards (and two were mentioned in the Top50 IF too)! (maybe next time I'll get a spot too !)

But the major thing coming out of it all was winning a big competition too, with DOL-OS at the start of the year. Holy shit, did that make my year. I really wasn't expecting it because so many of the games that year were incredible! This was such a confidence booster! I think that's my biggest achievement this year. (I just finished the puzzle I won too, and that was loads of fun) I am so so so proud of that game, especially after releasing the remaster.

Some non-numerical achievements I'm happy about:

I continued experimenting this year, with non-linear stories (DOL-OS), shorter and more kinetic content (Neo-Interactive jam entries), and... well... a thing. The experimentation included trying out other programs to make game too!

Speaking of the thing... I've made a monster of a Twine, creating a bad (oh so bad in convention) parser... which I still haven't finished fixing. I talked at length about here.

I've made an actual proper parser game, following the conventions of the medium... and enjoyed it a lot. From creating puzzles to solving the puzzle that was coding it. It didn't rank super high, but it got some good reactions! Making a parser strangely helped me playing them, and appreciate them more.

Has it been a lot of stuff? Yeah... it feels a bit like a lot...

Some 2023 personal things

Like last year, I've continued to struggle with feeling like I was not doing enough during the year (or the month, before doing the monthly dev logs). Not enough words written or progress made. It was a pervasive thing last year, and I've been working on myself to feel less so, especially with all I've been doing anyway this year. But it's still there.

I think I recently found one of the reasons I've been feeling this way: not working on or finishing the WIPs I started with back in 2021 and in 2022, not making substantial progress that would warrant an update... It's been especially hard when seeing other authors churn out updates left and right and I have little to nothing to show for. Maybe that's why I've been compensating with all the new little projects and jam entries throughout the year (and half-way through 2022). I mean... there hasn't been a month where I didn't publish something new, whether it was an update, or a new game, or a template/guide, or brought out a whole-ass remaster of a game.

And by working on those other little things, I think I found myself in some sort of cycle, where the time spent on those new things is not spent on the WIPs, and I start feeling bad about it. But when I open the file, with all that pressure I put myself, nothing gets written or fixed. So I distract myself with a different thing... and I end up not making any progress on the WIP. It sucks, because I want to see those WIPs done. I want to finish those stories. But it's been hard. Who'd have thunk it??? I'm a stupid human being after all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I know breaking that cycle will happen... when I work on those darn WIPs. I just need to push myself to get there... But I also want to enjoy what I am writing too, because the quality of the writing really sucks when I force it... So silliness has been happening in the meantime.

Will it continue like this? In the near future, most likely. Hopefully not to the extend of the past year and a half. At best, I'd want to have 1-2 updates on a bit WIP, 1-2 new medium-sized games, and a handful small silly experiments, during a year.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but anons being nasty about the whole no-progress thing - essentially why @crimsonroseandwhitelily was offline for a whole while, or why I haven't answered many questions lately.

Also gonna take this moment to not address the very personal stuff that happened IRL, even with the very insisting messages I got. I was tempted to go on a whole tangent about what's been going on, but I'm a bit paranoid about my privacy on the internet (and with the anons wilding lately, I've become more careful), and I don't really want IRL to flood this space either (more than it has anyway - considered leaving a few times tbh). I like this specific corner to not be about IRL, to have it as an escape and spend some time just not having to think about it. So yea... you can ask all you want, I'm not going to answer. But it's been a time... I'm coping by being here damnit. Maybe you'll get an(other) autobio game about it one day xD

Here's to a more peaceful state of mind (and inbox) next year...

2023 is OVER officially

And what a fucking year this was. It's made me even more excited to see what 2024 has in store for me.

I want to learn more, for sure. I think I reached a bit of a plateau with SugarCube, where the only thing I feel I haven't tried yet is some sort of RPG adventure/combat system. Or diving further in JavaScript/jQuery (it's inevitable...). Or have less of a spaghetti code... Though it didn't really start as a conscious effort, I'm glad I tried different IF programs and Twine formats this year. It helped me think more about IF game structure and coding. It really pushed me to grow and appreciate the variety there is in IF outside of Tumblr. It did reinforce my love for Twine, especially SugarCube xD

I know I've complained about having done a lot but also not feeling I did enough, but strangely this year has also been pretty fulfilling. Having achieved things I didn't think I could, mess around and create unmentionable bits of code that should not have seen the light of day, learned how to handle new formats, met and talked with a bunch of cool and knowledgeable IF peeps, and just tried to do some good for the community.

I would love to be as fulfilled in this new year too!

I was shocked with all the good things I got in 2022, but I didn't imagine it would be even better this year. How much I got out of this year. How much I got done. How much I learned. How much I grew as a person and a creator. I'm glad I stuck around another year.

I'm really lucky I was able to have the year I had, to be surrounded by such lovely people, to get such positive return on stuff, to be in this community, to have the friends I have, to still be here.

So, thanks for sticking around too, and partake in my silliness :)

[t4tbedehopmar]

YEAHHH I WANNA KNOW! SITS WITH MT CHIN ON MY PALMS AND LOOKS INTENTLY (you don't have to if you don't want to obviously!<3)

UGH FINE fine i'll tell u some stuff....... ok so one day a VERY long time ago i saw some people saying mizumafu was soso t4t and i was like wow! that is true!! and u see this was like idk. lots of months ago maybe more than a year but i had the swsh hyperfix. and so the train of thoughts started and i was like 'ok but marnie is super transfem coded and bede is super transmasc coded' bc NO back then i didn't even know i was bede. and so i went 'OH MY GOD what if. what if t4tbedemar' and so it started. now u may be wondering 'but this was a long time ago koha. and just like two weeks ago u realized u like marnie in more than a romantic way' so u see my head wasn't very normal back then. have i ever told u all the swsh ships i've liked thru out the years? well i basically liked every single bede ship at some point. ALL OF THEM. 'koha that is gay' i am very aware. worst thing of all is whenever i roleplayed it (w myself always bc that's how i work) it was always from bede's pov bc YES even tho i hadn't realized i was bede i DESPERATELY wanted to be like bede and so i ended up becoming him so um yeah u get it yes u do 👍👍 i just now realized u probably didn't want to hear this rant but i've already typed it so yeah wtv fkdhfjjs BUT UM YEAH this was a long time ago! which means that at some point i did like bedemar! which means i'm probably very dumb!! but anyways let's go back to the main subject of this uhhhh yeah we're basically t4t we're in love and hold hands ok there u go i def haven't been gay for marnie all this time ok? ok bye

[inkofamethyst]

December 9, 2023

Had a real life Would You Rather moment tonight: be approached by known WOC/BW fetishizers or not be approached at all? The obvious answer here is to not be approached at all (I'm not that desperate to practice flirting), but I would like the record show that I (presumably) did have the option. Now you might be asking, how on earth did I, someone who's been here three and a half months and doesn't go out ever, learn who was a WOC/BW fetishizer? One of my cohortmates (let's call her... my turquoise-friend, I think) has been at this school for a couple of years before starting the program, and she's very aware of the social scene here and is all to eager to share her wisdom (and I am all too eager to listen). I think the funniest part of the night was her telling me about each one she saw and then minutes later spotting them rizzing up a WOC/BW lol (three times in the span of an hour (there were only like five BW in attendance so it was targeted)!!!).

Anyway I did learn the basics of the (cross-step?) waltz which was fun and totally fits my old-timey high-class aesthetic. The one issue is that I could probably be such a good lead but I desperately desire the aesthetic of a follow and therefore I must battle my tendency to not trust my partner.

I wore the burnt orange fishtail dress with the covered back (which floats beautifully with sustained walking (and would fit perfectly were I a smidge taller, sigh)) after all which I do think was the best decision for having strangers (only the two who I learned with, one of whom I'd met before) touch my back. A brighter color does tend to stand out among the blacks and navys which is cool. I was even complimented on the color against my skin tone :) However, it was a bit, uh, boobier than I thought which made me really self conscious in the second half of the night after a photo I'd asked for (to send to my mom) brought it to my attention. My turquoise-friend tried to reassure me that it didn't look as.. attention-seeking as I felt, but I still felt like it was trashier than what I was going for. Fully brought me back to late elementary and middle school levels of discomfort. Not a good feeling.

My hair was so good. I've been conquering my fear of the dutch braid over the past several months, and I did two long ones into a sort of milkmaid style where I wrapped the ends into the opposite braid since I didn't have bobby pins, and it stayed put for a full four hours!!! And while I'm not over the moon with the ginger color, I did love how it matched my dress. Finished off with Chocolate Wasted/Cork ombre lips, statement gold flower earrings, and brown flats. Oh, and shaved legs (this was the longest single part of the getting ready process. thirty minutes. they dont call me lady sasquatch for nothin).

Today I'm thankful that I enjoyed my time at the dance generally. Live orchestra to waltz to (even if I didn't get to experience any of that outside of the lesson part (people didn't really treat it as a true social dance for the most part which was unfortunate)), a decently effective dance lesson, and a cool person to cling to (and meet other people through). I truly do love seeing people dressed up and getting dressed up myself.

Thus ends another chapter of me desperately trying to learn to dance and in doing so fighting against my stiff nature. (lowkey I think a semester of ballet basics did help tho) (might actually want to keep this style up..!)

[lotusmi]

I'm that anon. i've been testing it for 9 months now and i'm still sticking with it because i find all the success stories true s i'm continuing because i want to be one of them one day lol anyway i've tried every single one methods (I don't want to victimize myself here), and I keep trying the states, in fact it's what I've been using the most. I haven't been able to manifest anything yet, but I don't care about 3d, but I still feel like I don't "believe", I don't know if that makes sense, I believe in a God who doesn't like sin, because that's what I've heard my whole life and everything I read/listen to on a daily basis goes through this filter, you know? I'm terrible at explaining, but what I mean is that my life is centered on this and everything I do and according to what this religion allows, if I read something that this religion abhors, my mind automatic reminds me of a God who punishes, so I guess that's a strong grow. I basically live by eternal fear so it's kind of hard trying to change her mind when she's scared lol

I'm terrible at explaining, but I hope I understood 😅

I lived in fear since I was to created learning about all this stuff. Then I started studying and I saw none of those things made sense to me. I believe God is love, but I don't belive God is outside. If what you want is to leave this state of mind then you can do it. You are free. God is love. You can say "God I know you love me, I need to discover myself again, be with me in this journey". I took me almost 3 years to fully leave religion and even tho I still have some trauma with it. Trauma only is healed with love. So feel love. Love transforms. Let love transform you. Fall in love with your imagination and your manifestations, accept them. Create a method that make you feel safe.

[wrecking]

how is it already january 31st. ok anyways uh fun month musically tbh! been listening to a looooot of yeule and a bunch of random older stuff clicked with me finally, gonna ramble about them under the cut

allie x - girl with no face (pre-release singles)

tbh gwnf made sense to me instantly and owht was incredible on first listen, but black eye took MONTHS to grow on me. at least i'm obsessed with now, prepare to see this on the list all year

ariana grande - yes, and? (single)

i am basic and like house music. i think the dissonance on the chorus lines scratches my brain in a way not a lot else does currently, it's just kinda listenable in a fun way and that's all it needed to be imo. that one line is kinda funny with how underperformed it is tho

dua lipa - houdini - extended edit (single)

this has just been slowly taking over my brain ngl, hooks on hooks and they're all very fun to just sing to yourself while you're doing random things

tinashe - bb/ang3l

talk to me nice SWEEPS okay but also tightrope, needs, treason... honestly the whole fucking ep okay it's all good

paramore - this is why

tbh this gets on here almost exclusively off me watching the live debut performance of running out of time. her vocals are so good and that song in particular has been my jam this month ok, also you first is so good both as their song and as remi wolf's

adrianne lenker - songs

several alters were vibing with this this month and tbh good for them. her next solo album is probably gonna take over my life when it releases so hey

paramore - after laughter

dash really liked this one, i've been really clicking with rose-colored boy finally. i find this is why to be the better listen overall, but god this thing is still really good

confidence man - tilt

weird pick but i've kinda come back around into being obsessed with this again! subdued but quirky dance, it's not as immediately catchy or bold as their debut, but i really like it for what it is

yeule - softscars

this was the centerpiece of the month, well tbh all of yeule's discography could be. their stuff is so good but in particular like poison arrow, a song i'll get to later when i talk abt glitch princess, and cyber meat and 4ui12 have been just ruling this month for me. this album's groaning metallic soundscapes have just been so cathartic as of late. i'm a stan now

looks away somewhat shamefully - 1989 (taylor's version)

i don't even have an excuse for this one ok i just like this album, i have for like fucking 7 years at this point and i like the vault tracks and the less i have to think about the discourse surrounding Her As A Person the better.

charli xcx - crash

this kinda snuck back up on me this month? finally decided to revisit it after a long long time away, and it's held up incredibly well! much like hold the girl by rina sawayama, an artist is not merely worth based on how much they pander to rym nerds. the hooks, delivery, and production on this are so fucking good idgaf

100 gecs - 1000 gecs

this really has held up so well ok. 10k also rly good but this and the unreleased stuff has been scratching a particular itch for me this month. literally every song (except stupid horse i THINK which is fine bc i was obsessed with it before now) has been the subject of a small obsession of mine this month it's so good

olivia rodrigo - guts

this album keeps holding up and keeps being relevant to me personally. girl please put the deluxe tracks on streaming already for me

pinkpantheress - heaven knows

this album is SO fucking good hoooooly shit. i thought her first project was just ok but this is an ALBUM. ophelia, feel complete, mosquito, the aisle, hell that ENTIRE first 4 track run, i feel like i'm forgetting more but like just that alone... god...

rajie - heart to heart

my city pop hidden gem, this thing is so flawless even still. it's me it's you is still peak hooks. there are a couple other japanese titles i don't wanna go copy paste but like they are also just some of the most timeless melodies i've ever heard. this and timely by anri are the 2 city pop releases i keep on full rotation constantly now

yeule - glitch princess

don't be so hard on your own beauty. that's literally it. i don't want to talk about it because it's personal but i've been streaming it like my life depends on it. means the fucking world to me

cafune - love songs for the end

this just refuses to let go of my attention? 5 songs, probably just "generic pop" to most people, yet perspective and unchained memory REFUSE to leave me alone. the amount of times i've just ended up mumbling out that "honestly i think about-" and end up singing the entire thing to myself is unreal. shockingly effective hook

lady gaga - the fame monster (deluxe)

felt like revisiting this and it's still kind of just a big pop bible. my spotify has been playing teeth way too much but other than that, no song really manages to wear itself out. i guess maybe paper gangsta but that one's so silly how could you hate it

florence and the machine - how big, how blue, how beautiful

random pick but i'm standing by it. have come to the conclusion this and hah are her best records, and i maintain that. this one in particular tho is just stunningly good

kacy hill - is it selfish if we talk about me again?

alice really liked this, and i've also been streaming frog rinse a fuckton bc god that vocal effect is so unique yet so good

laura les - haunted (single)

probably the 2nd most defining thing in january besides yeule, this single has been just The thing i listen to all the damn time. her unreleaseds are so good too (walls are closing in?!?!>?!?>!>??!! RELEASE IT)

maude latour - 001

random pick again but this ep is so good, it's her best imo despite not appearing to have "that high highs." something about the aesthetics of each song here and how they're basically all good bops holds them up so well

hiroshi yoshimura - music for nine post cards

this and green are records that mercedes has been streaming like no tomorrow cuz they're so chill, but this one is definitely my lesser favorite? better cover but i care a lot more abt the songs on green except for blink, which is mesmerizing

100 gecs - unreleased

literally all of them but especially ratatouille and the thos moser remix. they need to just put out an unreleased record idgaf they have too many good songs sitting on youtube

hiroshi yoshimura - green

i got a gorgeous vinyl copy of this, and i've just been thinking a lot about this album. also peak reading music, ambient sweep

-----

ok so unrelated ik i said i'd do stats for 2023 in this post back in december but you know what... i don't feel like it. just know it was like big thief dragon, ethel preachers daughter, and maggie rogers surrender top 3 charters of all time so far. let's see how this year treats all of them!

[thea-apianae]

↓ rambling

i keep running into this problem where i want to do music, but actually doing never feels right. i don't really try to make anything original anymore bc, y'know, that shit's hard. i stopped just when i was starting to get the hang of it -- the last time i made an original song was nearly a year ago (and even then, it was from a much older project file that was already pretty close to being done). sometimes i still open up LMMS to mess around but i don't have much motivation to finish anything these days. so i've just been posting song covers over the past year but even that's lost so much of its appeal. i mean when i was 14 i'd churn out like 3 covers in a single month, admittedly bc i spent less time on them (lmao) but also bc i was just a lot more enthusiastic abt making it. i think a lot of that was just the excitement of learning something new -- it was kinda the same when i started using a different program for my art, having to learn all these advanced features was actually rly good for getting me out of my major art block back then. and for both art + music i've more or less settled into a routine and so now i don't make like Anything. opening up synthv to draw some notes and type in lyrics isn't fun anymore. i've done this like a million times i already know what i'm doing (which is incidentally the same reason why i haven't been drawing much) and ofc as i've gotten better at these things (and older) i'm also a lot more conscious of whether or not what i'm making is good. but i think another reason why i'm specifically struggling w music is bc of all the new developments in vocal synthesis that i just Haven't been keeping up w. y'know, the AI shit. i dunno how i feel abt the ""morality"" of AI in vsynths (i think it's prolly fine in the case of official voicebanks, since the voice provider is fully aware of the AI use + receiving compensation? tho my opinion is basically worthless lol) but at the very least it's been somewhat demoralizing. i know it's not everyone who uses these programs but ig it's the same issue as w AI-generated art or writing -- covers take so much time + effort, so it's kinda frustrating to think that someone else can just feed a couple of .wav files into an interface and be done. (tho at the same time -- mixing still isn't fully automated, afaik, and the issue of "ppl making shitty song covers w vsynths and putting 0 effort into the mix" exists even w/o AI) but then also ppl who listen to AI covers might then assume i've done the same, that i don't spent literal hours just trying make the vocals sound right…….

i dunno. i've always thought music was rly cool but it just seems so far out of reach. learning music theory isn't "fun" for me in the way other things are, but w/o that knowledge i feel like i'm only "allowed" to make covers, since then i'm just building off of someone else's work that's already well-made.

anyway it's prolly the depression lol

[stellardeer]

very long personal vent post tw suicidal thoughts, tw eating disorders seeking support/advice tho

So I've been coming to grips with the realization that I truly am disabled and that my life may never truly be "normal". I'm going to write this out as the thoughts came to me, so I can.. better capture my emotions surrounding it, more as a journaling device for me than for any real relevant context.

I was thinking recently about how fascinating it is to me what different people consider to be "a long time", with respect to like.. a period of time spanning multiple days/weeks/months.

It applies to anything, but all of the examples I can think of apply specifically to like.. relationship-related events?

For instance, I've known people who get out of a relationship and might say something like "I need some time to work on myself I'm going to stay single for a while" and then re-enter the dating pool after 2 weeks.

I've talked about "taking it slow" with people who seem to think that me still being unsure about things after 1 month is unreasonable.

I've known people who get married after only knowing someone for 6 months, which seems insane to me.

I've (foolishly) attempted to make up with an ex and, after hesitantly asking for reassurance that things would be different, been angrily told "It's been 2 whole months, I can't believe you'd assume I haven't changed!!" (Which.. like, that response alone told me all I needed to know, spoiler alert: he had not)

To me, "a while" is like... 6 months minimum, like if I say I'm gonna stay single for a while, that's at least 6 months. If I say I want to take it slow, I mean for like the first 2 months we're basically still just friends, and it'll probably take me half a year to decide if I actually see the relationship going anywhere. My spouse and I were together for 5 and half years before we got married and even then, I still wasn't totally sure if it had been enough time for me to really tell if it was a good idea or not, but I really wanted him to have health insurance and I trust him so I did it anyway. I've been actively working on my flaws for at least 10 years now, and I don't think that I'd begun to even consider myself "changed" in any capacity until someone told me like 3 years ago that'd I'd "really got this 'being a person stuff' figured out".

And at first this was just like 'haha it's funny how we all have different perceptions of time' type thing. And I started exploring reasons that might contribute to that.

At first I thought that maybe my long-term memory had something to do with it. I don't have like a statistically accurate measure, but based purely on anecdotal evidence, I feel like I have a pretty above average long-term memory. Forget the short-term, I can't remember jack shit about what I'm supposed to be doing at any given moment, but I feel as though I'd be able to pretty accurately fill out a day-by-day calendar schedule of events spanning back multiple months. Thinking about this, I realized that 6 Months feels like an acceptable minimum to me for "a while ago" because my accuracy for details caps at about 6 months, beyond that things start to get a little fuzzy and I only remember the events that stick out.

But then I started thinking about my life for the past 6 months, and I realized that most of my days are largely the same. So then I started to consider how our perceptions of time are heavily influenced by our lifestyles. I work 40 hours a week and use my weekends for activities, with sparse weekday events here and there when I have the PTO for it. The work changes week to week, but it's pretty easy to remember what I've been doing for 6 months when only ~8 out of ~30 days in a month consist of something other than sitting at my computer and writing code. Someone who has a very busy schedule might experience "more" time because they are doing more things. It's a lot harder to remember what you did every day for a week if you did 50 different things, versus only having done about 5 different things.

But this led me to thinking about my weekends. And about my work schedule. And of course the "isolation under capitalism blah blah blah" came to mind, like how frustrating it is that I have to ration my freedom between 8 measly days per month because of how our society is structured. I realized that lately I've been scheduling my weekends out weeks in advance because I don't have any other time to do something, and I thought about how a lot of those days consist of only 1 activity, and how that's both a sad and laughable product of the fatigue that comes after 5 straight days of work. I can't even clean during the week because after work I just want to relax so I'll schedule a whole day on the weekend just to clean my bathroom and nothing else, haha! Isn't that funny and relatable? A whole day just for cleaning the bathroom, because I know that if I try to schedule more than 1 thing in the day it will be too much! Obviously I'm going to remember what I did, cause I only did ONE THING, lol. And I'm not even talking a deep clean either, I'm just wiping down the tub, cleaning the sink, and sweeping the floor, but I need a WHOLE DAY for it, hahaha! Isn't this a crazy universal experience??

Except that after repeating that again in my head, it really hit me that actually it is not.

Yes, it's true that a lot of people are affected by the capitalistic 40-hour workweek and have to relegate all fun to 2 days at the end of the week, and this is frustrating for anyone. But a lot of people are actually capable of doing a whole lot fucking more in 1 day than just cleaning the bare fucking minimum of 1 room. But I know that that's all I'm capable of. I know that I'm likely to not even be able to get started on that activity until very late in the day, and if I try to make any social plans then I'm less likely to complete the chore because I have to respect other people's schedules and they'll probably be wanting to meet up around the time that I would be just starting to work on my chore. So I can't plan anything else but that chore because I don't want to worry about how long it's going to take me, and I only end up doing the bare minimum to make it tidy and comfortable because any more than that will exhaust me. I'm already spent after cleaning only the tub, sink, and the floor. There are areas of my house that will more than likely NEVER be cleaned because I will never have the time nor energy to decide that it's worth cleaning. I clean my bathroom maybe once a month, because that's literally all that I can manage, there's no chance in hell I'm ever going to be able to waste effort on, idk, the top of the fridge?? The baseboards? The cracks beside the stove? They're all disgusting and likely will be til the day I move from here.

And I realized that even when I plan these Single Activity Days, I CAN'T EVEN COMPLETE THEM WITHOUT BEING MEDICATED ON MY PRESCRIPTION AMPHETAMINES.

Yes, this is relatable for millions of other people in my shoes, but thinking about all this just like... really truly hit me how fucking DIFFICULT life is for me, and how I am fucking kidding myself at this point if I think I'm ever going to be Normal™.

I can't even get out of my fucking bed most days. Not without my meds anyway, which is FINE, but sometimes it can be hours before I even take my meds because just taking my meds is a whole fucking task in itself!!! But even though my meds help, they're also fucking killing me at the same time. I'm already fucking underweight, I have been my entire life, I've never been anorexic or bulimic or anything, I just suck at feeding myself, and my meds are sapping the fucking life out of me because they suppress my appetite, and leave me even more weak and crumpled at the end of the day than I might have been otherwise. I feel like at this point I'm choosing between having enough energy and motivation to make money and live while wasting away day by day until it kills me OR being able to eat but being UNable to do literally anything else with myself without being EXTREMELY exhausted and depressed.

And the worst part is that my social life is ABSOLUTELY suffering for it, like I can't even BEGIN to entertain the idea of building new connections right now (let alone maintain existing ones!!!!) because I'm in such poor health that it's all I can think about at all times. It's like I have to choose between my work, my animals, my health, and my social life, but the social life isn't even really on the fucking table, while also ultimately being the MOST crucial of all of those to my sustained well-being! Like, if I lose my friends I feel like I've lost at life, like what am I even doing it all for at that point, you know? If I lost my friends I'd probably go fucking insane with anxiety because I would have nothing to ground me. I feel like I've become the dad in one of those hallmark movies that can't come home for Christmas because he had to work and he has to relearn the importance of family, but it's not like I can just stop working because I need money to LIVE.

Like, could I find a new job with less hours? Sure, but I'm not going to be able to work less and still make the same amount of money, and given that I am completely independent now and would probably have to choose between losing my home and starving myself anyway, it's not like life would be any easier! I can't lose my home because I have nowhere else to go and I have too many animals to support, so quitting my job isn't fucking possible.

Could I rehome my animals to reduce some of my overall stress? I mean yeah, but they are literally the only thing keeping me alive right now. Some days the only thing that gets me to get up out of my bed is the fact that I HAVE TO walk my dogs outside, I can't have a fence, they have to be on a leash, and they are NOT gonna go to the bathroom inside, so I HAVE TO get up and take them out. And even then, if I somehow let myself get so negligent that I stopped caring if they shit and piss in my house, I HAVE TO feed them and I have to GET OUT of my bed to do that. If I got rid of my animals I would probably just fucking kill myself because I wouldn't be able to convince myself that I had a good enough reason to get up every day. Not to even MENTION the emotional toll it would take on me to lose what are basically my fucking CHILDREN, so NO rehoming my animals isn't even on the table.

So then it's down to my health or my social life? Obviously I'm going to pick my fucking health. It's a daily fucking STRUGGLE at this point to do anything BUT focus on keeping myself alive. I feel like I'm playing the fucking Sims on hard mode, like I'm doing all I can to fulfill my needs so I don't die and it's impossible for me to prioritize my friends because I'm doing everything in my power just to make it through each day. Which sucks SO FUCKING MUCH because for the last few years I've worked SO HARD on becoming someone dependable and reliable, someone who is helpful and compassionate and puts others first, and now I just CAN'T. I feel like I'm no longer deserving of the title of someone who "really got this being a person thing figured out".

And I KNOW that capitalism sucks and whatever and we're all experiencing social isolation and we're all tired, but I know for a FACT it isn't THIS FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE. I see my parents, I see my officemates, I see my peers, I KNOW that their lives are nothing like mine. It took me 9 years to finish a 4-year degree for a reason. I'm on medication for fucks sake, it isn't even a fucking question anymore of whether or not I'm fighting a disability, but I've been telling myself for so long "if I just start doing this" "if I can just get this under control" "if I just eat right and exercise" that eventually I'll be NORMAL and FINE and life will be EASY, but the fact that I've been telling myself that for almost 28 years is an indicator that there is clearly some OBSTACLE between me and "Normal", and it isn't as easy to overcome as everyone keeps trying to get me to believe it is.

I'm disabled. I have a disability. I struggle to take care of myself alone. I'm constantly in pain and constantly tired and I have been for my ENTIRE LIFE, this is NOT NEW, this is not just because I have a fulltime job now, I have been this way for as long as I can remember and the only difference having a job makes is that I am now OVEREXERTING MYSELF every single day just to achieve A FRACTION of what others can.

Like, obviously, I know that step 1 is talking to my doctor about maybe switching up my meds and/or talking to a dietician so I can try to get a handle on my malnutrition situation. That's going to happen, it isn't even a question, because if I keep going like this I feel like I'm gonna be dead before I'm 40. But I'm just at a fucking loss for like.. how to COPE? Like... how am I supposed to deal with the crushing reality of like.. "It's never going to get better is it?"

I was yelled at and beaten for so much of my life for being "lazy", and told that I was faking or that it was all in my head or that I just wasn't trying hard enough. Over the years, I guess I started to believe it. I convinced myself that I just hadn't figured out yet how to do Life right and that's why things were hard for me as a kid. But I really feel like a 4 year old that refuses to participate in anything athletic because it's uncomfortably painful and tiring cannot just be fucking Lazy. Should that not be a red flag that maybe something is fucking wrong with them? Even STILL I have people constantly telling me "well just do this" or "don't do that" as if I really have a fucking choice. I get people frustrated with me because I don't have the energy to do something, and it's like they think I'm just lying because I don't want to do it, not because moving around is painful to me. But I've been ignoring my own symptoms for so long because I feel them everyday and I've just forgotten that they're there, and all I can say is "I'm tired."

And part of me feels vindicated in knowing that something IS wrong with me. All I ever fucking wanted as a kid was to be believed, to be LISTENED TO when I said that I CAN'T do something, it wasn't just because I didn't want to. Part of me feels relieved to FINALLY be able to prove that I wasn't just fucking LAZY and I wasn't LYING all those years. But there's also a part of me that internalized all of that and I'm unable to accept that I can't do things by myself. I mean even in a best case scenario, I get the perfect little drug cocktail to help me live a fulfilling happy life like nothing is wrong and I don't need to rely on daily assistance, I know I'm not going to be able to shake the resentment for the fact that I can't function without the medication. It's like... a bitterness that I have to do things this way forever and others don't. The jealousy that I couldn't just be born Correct or whatever.

Not to mention, I've been shamed for so long for letting other people do things for me that I feel like it isn't even an option. I think that I would GREATLY benefit from having a live-in caretaker, because even with my meds, I can only do so much and I neglect ALL of my basic needs on a daily basis, not just eating. But for one, I don't even know what the qualifications for that are, I feel like I doubt my health insurance would cover it unless I was unable to work. And also, I would just feel embarrassed about it? I'm absolutely in favor of the idea that anyone who needs support should get the support they need, but the people IN MY LIFE are the ones who make ME PERSONALLY feel bad for having someone else help me do things, and given that I've been made to feel like everything is my own fault, I feel like I would be given a lot of shit for paying someone to help me.

I mean even just like.. hiring a chef would help me tremendously, I don't really have the space for someone who is actually live-in, and I have a decent amount of disposable income so I think I could afford it, but somehow even that feels wrong to me. Idk, I think that part comes from like.. a lot of people seem to think that hiring any service worker like that is inherently evil, but I'm not mcmansion fucking rich, I live in a goddam trailer park.

Idk, I think I'm finally reaching the end of this very very long vent post, and if anyone has actually read all of this I really appreciate it and if you have any helpful advice for like... coming to terms with the fact that something really is wrong with me, I'd love to hear it!

[kyojuuros]

.

[mary-is-writing]

(The banner is by @ecwrenn)

Hi there!! I read about this activity proposed by @ecwrenn and I thought about giving it a try. A Year of Writing is basically a newsletter to sumarize the writing you did throughout 2021, as a way of closing the year.

I don't have the greatest memory so it took me a little bit more than I thought to remember all I did this year, so I got my summary done by quarters.

It's under the cut, but before that I wanna say that I'm super glad I got into writeblr because I've met a lot of cool people who bright my day just by seeing them in my dash (I'm sorry I don't talk a lot on discord tho Dx). Even if my following is small I'm happy each one of you is here, and to know there's people who like and show interest in my writing has been a boost to my confidence.

Anyways, thanks!! It's been a good year. Now for real, here's my year of writing:

~ January - April ~

It was on February this year when I decided to change my blog to go into writeblr and I did the post that's pinned on my page.

Around that time I was writing the third act of The Monsters Only We See, as well as the outline for Where Camellias Blossom. After the many troubles a single plot hole on TMOWS story gave me, I finally reached the point where I could finish the second act and go fully onto the third. It was very exciting because I felt I was getting closer and closer to the end of the 1st draft after having to take a big detour to fix the plot hole.

Seeing that I was near the end of writing, I thought it was time to start prepping for another wip and I picked WCB. I had already wrote around 45 pages, but decided I wanted to take a step back and do the outline. And... Well I already new that the story in my head was long and I wasn't gonna be able to fit everything in one book, but the more I wrote the more I realized this needed to be a trilogy. After fixing stuff here and there post-writing, I managed to structure the whole plot on 3 books.

Then I got excited and also plotted a spin off. So the whole series has 4 books now I guess. Oh well.

On March I pushed myself and wrote 80 pages on 10 days or so for a contest and I was very proud of myself. I didn't won and, looking back, I get why: the stories there weren't that good. Still, I was happy to get them out of my brain and into words, and it was a good writing exercise. I'll never repeat what I did to make it to the deadline tho, that left me exhausted mentally and creatively.

It was during this time where I also did a bunch of posts about TMOWS and WCB, a new post a week for like 2-3 months. I thought about keep doing it but my writing speed is simplu not enough for it, and having to do weekly posts kinda stressed me out. So, even tjos I wanna keep doing posts like those, I think I'll avoid the weekly release format for now.

Ah, and on February, my comic celebrated its first anniversary!!! owo)/

~ May - August ~

Okay so one of the most important things of this year happened between this months because I finished the first draft for TMOWS!! I was so, so happy when I did, and ever since then I've been working on editing it. After the 2nd draft was done, I gave it to my first betaa readers and 2-3 said good things about it and also gave me insight of elements to change for the 3rd one.

Not a lot else happened here, I was mostly working on this wip and progressing on my comic, but also enjoying summer vacation and watching the Tokyo Olympics. I probably got a few new wip ideas but I'm too lazy to check them out and see which ones xd

~ September - December ~

So now, finishing the year I managed to do a 3rd draft for TMOWS. However, I think it's better to consider it a 2.1 version of the 2nd one, since the changes were minimal. I also submitted it for a contest and I'm expecting news about it for next year :D

But obviously, the most inportant here was Nanowrimo 2021!! Tho I didn't finish it I managed to reach almost 20K on WCB, so I'm calling that a win. I also realized a few errors on my outline that need to be fixed, so I'd been working on them as I write and thinking about how I'm gonna pace the first book, considering that many things and characters need to be introduced here and I want to make it as smooth as possible, without info dumps. It's gonna be tricky but, hopefully, I can do it.

(Maybe I can do a little bit of info dump and get away with it, who knows, we'll see.)

And I did the 100th page of my comic a few days ago, too! I believe it's already scheduled on Tapas for next year to be published.

~ Next year plans ~

A friend encouraged me to translate my works myself and tho I still feel intimidated by the task, I think I'll do it. So based on this, I want to open a BetaBooks account next year to get feedback on the translations I do, but also on the book in general (this won't happen if I get to win the contest tho)

I definitely want to find a way to publish TMOWS at some point next year, wether it is traditional route (via the contest) or indie route.

Maybe do something with Patreon, too? I saw somebody on Tumblr talking about using it as a platform to release book chapters and at the end give the e-book, but Idk if it'll work for me. And since my book releases aren't exactly gonna be regular, asking for a monthly payment seems like too much. We'll see, but I do wanna give it another look to see how I'll use it.

Of course, I'm gonna keep writing WCB and, hopefully, can also get a good progress on That One Wip I have in the back waiting for me. But next year's Nano is gonna be WCB again for sure, and it'll keep being that until I finish the trilogy I guess.

Thank you for a great year, and see you in the next one with more writing and more wips!!!

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, episode 17-20 thoughts! finishing up season two! the finale is the THIRD 2-PARTER OF SEASON 2. that's so many! I wonder how many season 3 will have?

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-UERGH WHY DOES VLAD HAVE AN AI WITH MADDIE'S FACE ON IT. SOOO CREEPY. AND MORE 'CREATIONS' waiiiit. vlad is Dr. Frankenstein! (despite his ghost design obviously referencing vampires) HE HAS 'CREATIONS' HE MAKES THEN WONT TAKE REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR!!! this bitch.

-danny was late and his friends immediately start going off about how hes inconsiderate, and has been treating them like sidekicks??? he just overslept, my god. chill. even if he has, be nicer about talking about it with him?? he really can't help that he sometimes has to chase the ghosts, or has a secret identity to protect...

-'what kind of ghost haunts a miniature golf course' umm. me as a ghost. next question

-imagine going home and theres a tiny child on your bed claiming to be your cousin. with as many cousins I have, I would probably believe her. but the 'ran away from home' BIT....SHES 12?? SHES SO TINY. I hate that they have her belly out in her ghost form, but I like how her colors are asymmetrical. something about her design...maybe the proportions?? are weird to me...anyway danny was good to feed her, but he shouldve taken her to his parents FIRST. or, tbh, probably jazz. (JAZZ DIDNT EVEN GET TO MEET HER!!! NOOO. I mean she said she'll be BACK BUT STILL)

-ANYWAY. shes voiced by AnnaSophia Robb, the girl who was in because of winn dixie, played as violet from charlie and the chocolate factory, and was the girl from bridge to terrabithia. (the movie that made me cry hysterically when I was 12 and I never watched it again because it Broke Me!) thats super cool.

-vlad sucks: the episode, basically. what's new!! I love how he's like, I'm Not A Villain. *immediately cuts to him torturing danny to make him transform, to get mid-transformation DNA, to perfect a Clone.* *immediately shows that he doesnt give a shit about his new daughter Dani and just wants a ''more perfect clone'' and will put her in danger to get that. will let her DIE to get that*

-Dani is danny's clone and is a girl? transgenderism....one of them has to be trans. or they both are.

-dani just. leaving at the end. WHAT? SHES 12. DONT JUST. NO!!! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST BORN, A MONTH AGO AT MOST, RIGHT?? SHE NEEDS...SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. MONEY? FOOD?? A FAMILY?? AN EDUCATION???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S LEAVING!!! OKAY BYE I GUESS!!! D: concern!!!

-the next ep opens with skulker chasing a ghost down. ...does skulker count as a ghost hunter in the way valerie and danny do? I mean, sure, he hunts the good guys too, but he. he hunts ghosts...also, we haven't seen his Real Form since his debut episode! tiny...

-the guys in white are back! ngl, I assumed they were a gag for that one episode. you're telling me they might actually be a threat? ok.

-valerie in her lil nasty burger uniform looks so cute!! glad shes not in that mascot uniform this time. I guess she stopped hiding that she's working there now?

-gregor having white hair, dressed in black and white...and green eyes...sam has a Type, I guess.

-danny being unnecessarily hostile about gregor. danny!!! hes been nice so far. he looks a little...tall to be 14, but. danny doesnt know anything about him! (he does Suspect, but...you cant just spy on people and be rude to them from a hunch.) also, gregor kissed her, and when she freaked out, he was like 'oh no!! sorry, we can take it slow! I understand!' which was NICE. I hate jealousy plots still tho.

-altho. umm. tucker, being concerned about danny spying on them??? SAM AND YOU WERE SPYING ON DANNY AND VALERIE A FEW EPISODES AGO!!!!! im not saying its RIGHT, but dont be a hypocrite!!! AND THEN SAM BEING MAD ABOUT IT, TOO.

-DANNY IS A 7 ON THE SCALE OF ECTOPLASMIC POWER!!! out of 10? so I want to know where the other ghosts rank...I mean it's a list from the guys in white, so, it may not even be accurate, like, they havent seen ALL of his powers, have they?

-Lancer being like 'im not cooperating with the FEDS' until they said they could access his tax records. they already did that joke with jack, but like, its still funny. kings of tax evasion.

-tucker's aggressive third-wheeling. but gregor being super into it. gregor/tucker is the real ship here. then gregor kissing danny on both cheeks after hugging him. bi poly king gregor. (he does turn out to be a liar with a phoney accent. unsurprising, BUT THE CONCEPT OF HIM BEING GENUINE AND THEM ALL DATING IS FUN)

-THE...GUYS IN WHITE THINKING GREGOR IS DANNY PHANTOM. LMAOOO. GET HIS ASS. or,, Elliot. lmfao

-sam saying tucker is part of the package because theyre friends was super sweet <3 but also 'part of the package'...polyships are obviously the solution to these dumb jealousy/love triangle plots.

-danny crashed a whole plane. the collateral damage...

-is he....

-you know....

.... (ITS NOT GAY IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT, AND LIE TO A GIRL. RIGHT? he was getting a little too into pretending to enjoy tucker's company, and the above...c'mon, guy.)

-lmao, freakshow is in actual prison. I didn't expect a follow up, or for him to show back up! in the finale of this season, too!

-THE SICK TATTOO GHOST IS NAMED LYDIA!!! more Lore On her. freakshow seemed genuinely concerned about her. also, is she mute? I don't think she talked the first time we saw her, either. and we didn't know freakshow 'envied' ghosts, either, the first time, we just knew he was controlling them. interesting!

-...they literally stole the infinity gauntlet from marvel and called it the reality gauntlet. is that legal. what the fuck. even with the gems in the lil slots, having different powers...they had freakshow in jail, but didnt check his pockets??! hes just still in his lil outfit??? what kind of ...oh, its in amity park. yeah, all of the adults are idiots, okay, sure.

-'freakshow!' 'in the anemic flesh!' dude take some iron pills then. also, sure, the red eyes could be contacts for his aesthetic, but the whites of his eyes are yellow! does he have jaundice?! he severely needs more...like, every kind of vitamin. (this is what im worried about as freakshow attacks danny with giant robots)

-again, goth circus is a sick theme, and I love his goth train.

-oh FUCK every single person saw danny transform. on a stage. including his parents via TV. oh god. the guys in white and immediately like 'youre coming in for experiments!' SCARY. at least the crowd is willing to help him to escape...perks of now being a local celeb! even the kids at school are accepting :) this is what, the third time his family has found out? its always been an alt timeline tho. and danny fully intending to just rewrite things again instead of...I dunno, trying to roll with it this time? hes really worried his family won't accept him, huh...

-'maybe our son IS THE GHOST BOY, but its not as if our family's ghostly activities have EVER PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN DANGER' maddie. mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay.

-danny 100% prepared to run away from home because of this :( oh :( and saying his parents are 'looking for him, or a scalpel to dissect him with' ouch...

-THE GUYS IN WHITE TRYING TO ARREST A 14 YEAR OLD. fuck da feds.

-side note (another one about voice actors...) freakshow's voice actor, Jon Cryer, was lex luthor in pretty much every DC tv show, which is why I recognized his voice, because my dad loves those shows so I've seen a good bit of them without seeking them out...)

-the old man saying 'hey, i still had minutes left!' and danny saying 'you gotta watch those roaming charges!' about danny destroying the people in the diner's phones so no one could report seeing him...would kids today understand these things. can you even BUY minutes anymore...I remember my first phone being a flip phone, and the fact I always had minutes when my sister ran out super fast, because I didnt have friends calling or texting me like she did...:/

-the fentons being genuinely like 'why didnt danny trust us and tell us this, we love him :(' and JAZZ LAYING INTO THEM WITH THE 'DISSECTION/MOLECULE BY MOLECULE' LINES. LITERALLLLY. they need to apologize

-technically, lydias stronger than you! -jazz lesbianism moments! when did you even learn her name!!! but also get freakshows ass. lydia is also cooler looking. looove her design sm still.

-jazz psychoanalyzing freakshow... (also, her also having ghost envy? au where jazz is a ghost!! id like to see it)

-im glad the kids still got to go to their respective vacation things, even if they cant really stick around and enjoy them much...

-furry: confirmed. (also tucker calling her hot. tucker is a furry confirmed)

-danny being mad someone at the comic con is selling comics of him without permission, lmfao. give him his royalties!

-freakshow > thanos because hes a drama clown and does use his gauntlet to be FLASHY AND DRAMATIC.

-jazz's 'USE PYSCOLOGY' to danny about freakshow LMAOO. AND THEN IT WORKING. but, oh, freakshow's ghost form sucks. I like him as a clown better tbh. good thing danny took away his ghost powers!

-his parents hugging him and saying theyre proud :"( and saying 'of course you lied to us, we never gave you a reason not to!' and saying they were in the wrong basically for always talking about hurting ghosts aaaa :""(

-then he WIPED THEIR MEMORIES AGAIN!!! FUCK. I can understand him wiping the goverments/student bodies' memories, but why his parents?? they were being accepting!! ARGHHH. season 3 couldve been them all trying to adjust to them knowing!

-I know, on a meta level the showrunners probably wanted to just reset things to the status quo of him having a secret identity. But. We've been doing that for (2) seasons, I'd love if season 3 could be like, his parents adjusting to this and trying way harder to learn more and accept it (and the shenanigans that could come from that) and for fun, if he didn't wipe the students memories, it could be him being popular for a while, then everyone slowly realizing, oh, he's still Danny. Like. he might have ghost powers but hes Just The Same Guy instead of putting him on a pedestal (and seeing them all try and help him hide it from the giw/people who don't know!!)

-fuck they didn't even explain WHY he wiped everyone except sam, tucker and jazz's memories. he just Did It right when his parents were saying they loved/accepted him!! and sam and tucker didnt question it at all!!! HELLO??? very annoyed about this turn of events.

-anyway. onto season 3! I know its shorter than the first two seasons, and is the last season... I might just do it in 2 bursts if I can... :3c depends on the episodes' content and how much I want to say about each!

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i dunno, a grey bathrobe with a mouse face on the hood seems pretty fitting for a vampire. mine is bright pink tho and when i say bright i mean it's neon pink. my family hates it, literally anyone who sees it hates it. it's my favourite thing. the best buy i've ever made

your teacher is wild. they have run out of fucks to give. oh a ten year old is asking me for a frying pan? seems reasonable, let me go get one

oh and definitely. me and a knife? nope, would not recommend, -5000/10. it's why i don't cook. i mostly just bake stuff, because that usually doesn't involve cutting things up. i stopped counting all the times i had an accident with a knife, because i couldn't keep count. it's just that every goddamn time i take a knife in my hands i either cut myself or break the knife. sometimes both. i have however somehow magically avoided needing to go to the hospital every single time, so i'm not sure whether to call myself lucky or unlucky. (i'm still leaning towards the unlucky, because this sucks)

they told you about different sexualities in health class? that's so cool! i wish they did that here. i bet it would help a lot of people! also you were definitely very oblivious about your crush! but i can't say anything because me too. even now that i know i'm panromantic i still spent months thinking that those are most definitely platonic feelings i'm feeling for this girl. butterflies in my stomach? being just so goddamn happy when i'm around her? wanting to hold her hand? those are friend feelings right? (also she sometimes sends me nudes and i constantly mess up while trying to react like a normal person to them. one time i just replied asking whether she bought new shower curtains and then spent the next couple of minutes banging my head against the wall because even my asexual ass realised that that was probably the wrong thing to say)

anyways...

well, it's definitely different this year, celebrating christmas, but it's still fun, christmas eve went well and i'm pretty excited for christmas breakfast tomorrow, because it's always my favorite part! so yeah! thank you, that was very nice! ❤️

excellent, if halloween was a thing here i’d take that into account and add it to my vampire costume. halloween is not a thing here though so i guess i’ll just wear it down to the shops with some vamp teeth idk. also that sounds incredible. i love obnoxiously bright things. if it hurts people’s eyes then i’m doing something right. i am going against the masses and saying i love it.

i know right? he was from Germany, I think, and possibly quite new to the country and the nz education system (or at least, we...didn’t really learn anything that year...he just kind of let us play on the computers a lot...it must’ve been his first year teaching) so maybe he just figured that was chill in nz schools. a fair enough assumption considering the chaos of children.

oh geez. that does not sound good. at least you haven’t had to go to hospital yet though, that’s a plus. but it does sound awfully unlucky. it seems that whenever i come near a knife i find a cut on me afterwards. not like, a big cut. not even a cut that bleeds, normally. but just like the tiniest shallow cut ever. I have no idea how I manage it each time. it’s not b a d exactly it’s just alarming that i never notice it at the time. I also get a bit of double vision sometimes and I’ve noticed that when I’m trying to cut something precisely like vegetables I’ll struggle to see exactly where the knife is and well...I just go very slow and keep my fingers far away. I don’t trust my eyesight one bit. very impressive that you manage to break the KNIFE though, I’ve never done that. Bent many spoons real bad in my time tryna get ice cream but no knife deconstruction here. 

oh yeah! they did. I figured it was just a normal thing to teach in nz high schools and I was like wow. sure is great here! uhhh turns out no. Once I hit uni and took a gender and sexuality class and spoke with my classmates, it turned out that very very VERY few of them ever had that kind of thing brought up in health class. Hell, some of them were like we basically got taught abstinence (although they mostly then pointed to the religious nature of their schools, I guess that’s a trend). I was a little shocked some schools skipped sex ed that bad. Then earlier this year I did some research into the nz health curriculum for a presentation for an english class and like. it’s IN the curriculum. if you dig deep enough for this info. It’s just that what’s in the curriculum isn’t exactly compulsory. Which is a problem. Because then it only gets taught if the teacher decides to. For example, my younger sister (by roughly 3 years) attended the same high school as me but she never got any discussion of sexualities or gender identities or whatever in health class. It comes down to the teacher and I hate that so much. it SHOULD be taught to everyone, everywhere, it sure did help me. ANYWAY. i’ve already gone on this rant many times I will stop here

I’m glad it’s not just me in this boat haha. platonic...romantic...i mean who really knows the difference until it’s been 6 months and actually, now that you think about it, maybe there’s something funny going on here. o h n o. what lovely shower curtains! where’d you get them? oh n o. i feel like i’ve been sent a nude once before by a straight friend (who was a girl) who did not know I was queer and I was. how do straight people respond to this. respectfully i am looking only at your face so i don’t make you uncomfortable is actually not what i should be doing here, clearly. you...sure do have a body...good job! that’s...some good looking flesh! i- thank god this has never happened again. i would not be any better. 

I’m glad you still had fun and I hope the breakfast ended up going well! A Christmas breakfast sounds interesting. I feel that’s a whole different area of foods to make something nice out of, I’m so used to special lunches and literally nothing else, breakfast foods seem fun.

[missyrage]

I felt encouraged to open this up again after seeing a friend who's also in her soul be open to restarting hers. I saw the freedom she felt with it and it reminded me of when I used to write for the fuck of it.

lol actually I'm literally a professional writer now and filmmaker, and it's been so exhausting. I was reminded I started this 10 yrs ago anonymously and how freeing it is. So I'm turning this space - for however long I feel like writing into an open journal. All anonymous or abbreviated names like I used to cuz lord...so weird, now I'm actually growing in the public eye little by little.

It's so crazy to read 10 years ago I was just starting out in my acting journey and auditioning for MFA programs and getting into NONE that first year, and the 2nd year I got into a well-known grad school. Lemme kiki with you right now and catch up on the last 10 years in light speed.

I also appreciate one of my last posts of me as a 23 yrs old...I'm 33 yrs old now, standing up to my mom over some bullshit about "being too old" and not finding a man. I see where the ticking clock came in of "30 is old". I'm 33, single, and fabulous. and NOW I feel ready to "settle down". And because I've done so much healing and therapy I feel very confident in myself and understand that it's a number's game to find the right life partner, I'm clear on the qualities I want, and I'm a lot more clear on my own needs and boundaries. Lastly - I trust the universe above all else to send me the right soul partner.

OK last I left off I said I was about my career, and I still am...and it's fucking paying off. Lemme tell you!!! I did get into an awesome grad school, tho it was white AF. I thoroughly learned the racist side of the acting world/industry and had an inkling even 10 years ago that I was gonna have to write Asian American roles for myself and for others to create the change that I want to see. After I got my MFA in acting, my audition levels grew pretty high, like I was auditioning for small roles on TV, lead roles in a Disney movie, and for The Farewell. I literally cried after I auditioned for The Farewell because the person who went in before me was someone who's acting career I wanted when I was in grad school and I was being equally considered for the same role as her...wild. But also I knew that because I didn't have TV or more prominent credits they would never hand over a lead role like that to an "unknown" especially because it's an Asian American story and they need an ace in the hole to sell the movie...politics.

That was 2017 - I started writing a comedy series about my childhood BFFs and my ex-bf. I was still grieving over our relationship and this series became an outlet for me to express myself, write a role for myself, and create acting opportunities for other AsAms in a way that's...more blunt. Mad urban basically.

I knew in my heart I wanted to shoot the pilot, so I did in 2018 - omg it was such a difficult and learning process from funding, casting, pre-production, location scouting, being on set, production designer, acting, post-production, festivals, press, social media, marketing - EVERYTHING. It was also exhausting. So that went thru the festival route and I got a good amount of podcasts and had articles written about it. I also won Best TV Pilot Comedy at a festival in LA in 2019 so a few of the cast & crew flew out. At the time I originally bought a one-way ticket because I had just got laid off, I'd been thinking about moving out to LA, and then a week later I won a pitch competition for one of my other work...a film that shall not be named right now cuz I'm actually filming the short film version. I ended up coming back to NY cuz I took that pitch competition win as a sign to go all-in on my writing projects for at least 6 months and see how it goes before I really need to apply for jobs again. Those 6 months turned into 2 years - mainly cuz of COVID, and UI held me over until now.

Anyways - so that pilot, Q (not the real title) - my team and I wanted to continue on with it so we crowdfunded the 2nd episode in 2019, shot it, and then because of COVID - we premiered virtually in 2020 and had it live on Amazon Prime. Funny enough, I got a grant this year, #CityArtistCorps to screen it to help resuscitate the arts because of the pandemic. AND so weird timing, but my ex-bf that I wrote about (in an extreme joking manner) after 5 yrs actually contacted me this year. So as we screened it last month, and me watching this version of my ex, and it happened to be on his bday, I was deeply thinking of him. Mindfuck.

So back in 2015 - me and this same ex broke up that summer. My dad took me out to dimsum and told me about how my parents met, and it was "fate" to him, plus they're immigrants from opposite backgrounds, and the love story was stuck in my head for a long time and I knew I wanted to write about it. In 2016, on a whim, I applied to the Sundance Screenwriters Lab and got into the 2nd round. I deadass thought they made a mistake and had serious imposter syndrome esp. because I had 0 background in writing. I was supposed to have the full feature written already, but I didn't and only had 2 weeks to haul ass. I had my friend edit along the way, and I submitted what I had. I'm sure it wasn't very good. But I stuck with it, in 2017 (?) I dug deeper and interviewed my dad and his old restaurant buddies to get a sense of the 80's, why they came to the States, and what was their experience like here working in the restaurants. I did a LOT of research on that life and interviewed my mom too - and this was the film that I won the pitch competition for...69 Bayard was the original title. OK 2020 - 69 Bayard gets into the 2nd round for Sundance screenwriters lab, again (renamed) and the NEFL, and got a grant. 2021 - I ended up getting ANOTHER grant, but this time to shoot the short film version...wtf. I applied on a whim before I moved to LA...yes finally in 2021, and I got it. So all summer I'd been in development gathering my team, launched a crowdfund (which we raised even more than I did for my series - insane), and now in pre-production. We're shooting in a few weeks and then post-production, with a public presentation by next June.

I've had 2 other projects that went to the 2nd round for Sundance Episodic Labs and one of those scripts landed me my management team...and a really top Hollywood management company with 2 POC reps. WTF?!?! That's a dream, honestly. Because of the work I did for my series, Q - it got me into another fellowship which is wrapping up now and I'll continue on with the next level of it, and thru there opened doors to meeting SO MANY FUCKING AMAZING talented AF POC writers/directors, and industry people. I live in LA now and honestly, it feels like my life blasted open to higher potential.

I'm literally a hair away now from getting staffed on a show and/or getting one of my projects developed into a series. Hell - I'm directing my first film - wtf is life right now!?

But anyways - not everything is roses of course, but to see in hindsight remnants of my 23 yr old self is so interesting. What I'd say to her - now that my career's shifted even wider, I've grown more in my heart and spiritual...trust the process and always give your best effort. That's it.

[ilkkijangege]

123

Chad Chronicles is on hold while we work from home.

I'll keep updating this post if anything does happen to us.

Basically, I was telling Jacqui how J*ck told me I should join Tinder, use it during work to find out of he is there and if we would match. But Jacqui was like "what if you don't see him there but his friends see you??" So I was like "Then good na he's not on it 😂 as if he's ever talked about me to his friends 😂"

Then, nearly an hour later, I looked at my "Friends You May Know" on FB (there's a rumor that that is a list of people who's viewed your profile) then I saw that one of his friends are on it!!! I was shook, if the algorithm theory is right, then his friend was stalking me which means he has talked about me to his friends. LOL AYAN NANAMAN OVERTHINKING BES EH 😂

Then Jacqui told me how she asked her bf: if you offer a lift to a girl, does that mean he's interested? Her bf said yes but I shouldn't overthink and wait for another big sign.

Anyways, my Mandalorian plan is still going ahead. 😂

20/3/2020

Well, we didn't really talk online, he welcomed one of the guy on our team because he just got his access sorted today but I did not get the same treatment yesterday 😭

It's G tho 😂 Seems like he really is super smart because I looked into one of his chats and he used the word "futile". I'm just....wow big word 😂

Lol anyways, we're out for the weekend, Disney+ comes out on Tuesday, will try to binge it as soon I can so I can message him by Thursday or something 😂 really hope our conversation can flow naturally. Like I will just say "oh I've finished it and I am now obsessed with Baby Yoda or I can see why you are obsessed with Baby Yoda, he is adorable!" Then hopefully he can be like "What did you think of it?" Etc etc and we live happily ever after. CHOS.

.

21/03/2020

Swear everyone is telling me to either text him or to keep my feet on the ground and let the connection grow.

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW. He keeps doing all these things to me and I am always overthinking it. My friends have told me not to but it is sooo hard. They told me to wait for other signs.

I really want to take a risk and tell him but I really do not want to ruin our new found friendship. I mean I really hope he's just waiting to make more signs because he doesn't think it's time yet or something but I just don't want to give give give and not have anything in return. Haaaay Lord, please help me!

.

22/03/2020

This morning, I told my mom about the fact that he drove me home. At first, I couldn't tell her immediately, I was just staring at her the whole time and she asked "Anong kailangan mo sakin?" I said "nothing." "Bakit naka tingin ka sakin?" Then finally, I said, "Wala lang, may update lang ako sayo." Then she was like "ano may date ka???" I replied, "No update!!! Hinatid nya ako kila tita nung last time kaming pumasok.." and she was just like "ayie, hinahatid ka na ha." Then she told me, "yan dapat, cool ka lang. Pero tapusin mo muna.." She didn't complete her sentence but I knew she was talking about my FE1s but then she was probably thinking that I am nearly 25 and she should let me be. Hahaha. Then she asks "nag offer ba xa?" Sabi ko oo 😂

Then she asks me if he texts me and I told her no, we only talk in work. Then she replied, "ganun talaga" 😂 hay mother, if she had asked more details, I would have told her how I am getting mixed signals from him kaya di ko tlga sure kung gusto nya din ako 😂 but she didn't, so let's leave that for another time. 😂

Lord, pleaseee I trust you. If he doesn't reach out to me, ako na tlga mag rereach out. Need to binge The Mandalorian asap.

.

23/03

He keeps reading my messages on our GC immediately but does not with other people

ANO BA GUSTO MO PARAMDAM KA NAMAN PLS

Happened again at 16;09 ANO BA HUHU

.

24/03

STOP SEEN ZONING MY MESSAGES AS SOON AS I POST THEM AND START TALKING TO ME

.

25/03

No sign of Chad life anywhere, he was pretty much quiet today, not reading/replying to messages etc

.

26/03

I FINISHED THE MANDALORIAN YOU GUYS.

I took a risk and messaged him. It took me a whileeeeee but I just took the plunge.

Basically, I asked him how he was and how working from home has been coming along. It took him like 6 mins to reply, which was fine, we were in work so understandable.

He told me he is relaxed but about to get boring. He asked me ‘how about you?’ So I sent him this quite long response how I’ve been relaxed working in my jammies and binged watch Mandalorian, bummed about 2 eps so illegally streamed the rest. Told him that I am now also obsessed with Baby Yoda (he laughed react to this). Then he said how it was dumb for Disney not to release everything at once. (Was upset he didnt ask me what I thought of the show)

Then I told him if Netflix can do it, so can they. But he said people would just sign up for trial, watch it then cancel. Thennnn he asked if I liked it. I said yes except for Ch.6′s characters. He said he thinks you were not meant to like them.

Then I asked him if he thinks Fennec Shand is still alive. He was like which one was HE again? So I told him correction she* (laugh emoji) then explained her character. He was like ‘Oh yeaaahhh. Then boba fett was supposedly the one who found her” I replied ‘yup that’s the theory but I feel like she was pretty much lifeless already and maybe just a teaser for boba fett then?'

Then nearly 3 hours later, I go check our workplace chat and he seenzoned me. Okur. He read the message at 20.27. He better reply tomorrow or I’ll take it a sign that he really just isn’t interested in me.

On a side note, he went on lunch at 6pm, came back at around 7ish but didn't change his Status xD it's either he forgot or na distract na sya sakin CHOS sige laaaangg.

I swear I hope we can talk more tho. Since he seenzoned me, I will not message him again cos I don't want to look eager/desperate so yeah. Byeeeeee.

.

30/03

STOP READING MY MESSAGES, dear heart and head, STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

I know you get notifications that "Bianca messaged..." Does your heart flutter when my name appears? STOP OVERTHINKING BIANCA.

Ayan nnmn tayo sa seenzone eh 14:55. Ano ba?

.

1/04/20

I had a dream that he messaged me. He asked me how I was and for some reason, he told me to go to Google Music because they were having a sale and that I should make a track for him. (Like what?)

Also dreamt that he took me home again. When we got to our house, he told me we needed to talk. I think he confessed.

Ay ayoko na.

.

5/4/20

Why do I keep dreaming about him? I dreamt that he messaged me on FB, really long paragraphs of him confessing his feelings.

Urgh.

Oh and I also paid for a tarot reading of how he really sees me. I mean idk if it's real but there are feelings there but there may be a third party but the reader could not 100% confirm it. It is highly probable, he's a single man who could totally date around. The reading also mention how he finds me attractive and sees a long term energy with me. It also says how he may not be ready for a serious romantic relationship but he can see it progressing down the line. But honestly, I do not see him as someone who longs for sex, yknow? I am nearly sure that he could still be a virgin but the fact that he frequented Krystle in college, makes me question it. I mean, he is a white male, it is something I am not super pressed about.

I've just been thinking, if I were to get with a Filipino guy, is there anyone out there who has never had a girlfriend or who has even dated anyone?

Chad really gives me the vibe of never having a girlfriend before but I really see him as not looking for anything at the moment to focus on his dream job.

.

6/4/20

Okay, why did I have a dream that he proposed to me??

I think we argued over something and then a few days later, he proposed. Wtf.

From what I remember, he only proposed in his car. lol

.

8/4/20

So we had a team call today. He has not been working since like Thursday last week because he could not get his VPN to work.

But dang. I heard his voice after 3 weeks. He sounds the same as in real life but his American accent is more prominent 😂

Then our TL said we might still be working from home for the next 3-4 months and I'm just like. HUHUHU.

Will I be over you by then?

.

10/04/20

Had a dream we were back in the office and we were having banters again like nothing has changed.

I think he also messaged me on Facebook one of these isolation days...

I swear I know it was probably unintentional for him to ghost me like that.

.

11/04/20

So I've been searching his Gamer tag on Google, even before I decided to let go of him and there is this one file I keep noticing, it is League of Legends and it seems his password is Yugioh246 😂 it is actually hilarious 😂 I didn't know he is that big of a nerd. I don't see it as a bad thing because I like nerds and I am drawn to them but I hope he is not an incel because that is a major turn off.

Yes, I am not wishing for us to be together anymore but I really hope he finds the woman of his dreams. He deserves to have someone who will understand him for who he is.

.

13/04/20

Another thing, how do I listen to songs without thinking of him?? It is getting frustrating. I used to listen to these songs without thinking of him and now all I do is associate these songs to him. Nakakainis.

.

14/04/20

Why do you keep reading my messages then stop reading others' after mine??

.

18/04/20

Argh why did I dream of him again?

We were back in the office daw and I sat in a different computer because I was avoiding him as in. For some reason, the coat rack was behind him so when it was home time, I grabbed my coat as fast as I could so he would not talk to me. He was slouched in his seat and looked really tired. His hair was long like mid length sufer dude hair, he was not wearing his hat. But then he saw me and called me and said "Bianca, I'll give you a ride home." I replied, gaga naman ate nyo, "If it's not raining, I can walk but if it is, I'll take the bus." He replied, "What time is your bus?" I replied, "In an hour." He replied, "Okay, if it's raining, I'll wait for you here, let me know." Then I grabbed my stuff from my locker, I went out the office and it was raining. I went back into the office and told him that it was raining. So he got up from his seat and we walked to his car. On the way, I noticed he looked really tired and his eyes were red so I asked him, "Did you not sleep?" His reply was: "Yeah I came to work with no sleep." So we just walked to his car and he opened the door for me. He even adjusted my seat.

Then for some weird reason, we ended up in Dolphins Barn, like the flats and around Tesco. Then there were billboards for Book of Mormons and he saw it he said or read "What about the Mormons?" Then I was confused at first so he pointed at the ads for the Book of Mormons. Then I told him: "Oh I really wanna see that! I heard it's meant to be one of the best Broadway shows." He then tells me he is not a big play fan but there is something he likes. I asked him but he saw another Book of Mormons billboard and pointed to it. Then we reached Reilly's Ave and idk why but my whole family and our old neighbors were all outside. Bsta ang weird talaga na he dropped me off in our old house. Dreams are weird.

So I just thanked him and watched him leave.

Aish why did I dream of you again???

.

20/4/20

Had another dream about him. Just why oh why? What are these dreams trying to tell me? I haven't been thinking about him seriously so idk.

Basically in this dream, we were all back in the office. So we got a few newbies who joined our team. And management/TL thought it was a good idea to blend the newbies with the senior agents so there was a complete seat change again. Chad and the guy beside him moved to my old area, as in Chad moved to my old seat. While I was stayed in my current seat. Of course I felt sad that I won't be able to see him face to face as often anymore and that I felt like our friendship will drift apart again.

Basta ano baaa I don't understand this. Do I still have feelings for him deep down?

Oh and he read my message on the group chat again. 10:18am. I mean ok he's been active on the UKI chat today so here's me overthinking again.

.

23/04/20

Another day, another Chad dream.

So in this dream, I was in Tesco with my mom or Aldi, anyways a supermarket.

I wanted to make Tacos so I was at the spice aisle, looking for a taco spice mix. Then out of nowhere, he pops up and sees me. Says hello and asked how I was etc, while I was grabbing the taco spice mix.

Then I told him goodbye but I still kept seeing him everywhere in the store even though I purposely was avoiding him.

WHY DO I KEEP DREAMING OF HIM.

It is honestly annoying. 😭

I just wanna move on.

.

27/04/20

Been a while since my last dream but I dreamt that he drove me home, yet again, but I only remember the part where we entered Cherrywood and then I just got out of the car and don't even remember saying thanks. I stood at the front door, until he left.

.

28/04/20

Arghhh he read my messages again on the office chat almost instantly at 2.37pm 😩😩😩😩 Whereas our own team's chat has been active all day, yet he has not read the messages on there since yesterday morning!!

Were you expecting that I messaged you or something??? CMON IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME JUST MESSAGE ME. I already messaged you first, it's your turn.

Ugh I hate overthinking this!!

Also, 26th of April marked the 1st month since we last talked. Hmmmm have I fully moved on? I really don't think I have but I am just trying to live my life. Why must you be an introvert Chad, we'll be waiting for each other forever.

.

6/05/20

Hmmmm... Beginning to think he actually has 3 siblings contrary to the fact that I thought he said there are 3 of them in the family, him being the eldest, followed by his sister then his younger brother.

If it is his brother that I saw on FB then it makes sense now because remember when he gave out chocolates for Christmas? I heard him say "my brother's work had them on sale" or something along the lines. And the other brother I was aware of was only a kid. This person I saw matches the bill, from Chicago and went to the same secondary school as him. (AND LOOKS LIKE HIM!!! We may be the same age or a year younger because he graduated secondary school in 2014) [yup he is older than me by 6 months and just like his older brother, he is also very much into Star Wars and video games. But he seems more social than his bro. Haha xa na lang date ko 😂 Chad 2.0 chosss Chad introduce me to your bro para di tayo awkward sa work 😂 They are actually only 10 months apart, I wonder if they are close.]

Hmmmmm why am I such a stalker 😂

(7.6 update: nah saw his bro's IG and he seems like a fckboi, his DP is a mirror selfie of him shirtless, showing off his v line abs 😂)

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13/05/20

It's been a while. As of yesterday, he is fully back to work. We had a team meeting on Monday and he was on it. He said they gave him a laptop to work on. I had myself on mute so I was just listening to him. Yes I wanted to join in on the convo but I needed to stop myself. I need to distance myself until I fully move on from him.

Anyways, today, a case was assigned to me at around 8.30 in the morning. I didn't action it because the office was going mad with chats so I said I was gonna action it when I had a chance later on.

Then I noticed that it disappeared from my queue. I went to my closed cases and I saw that he had actioned it. I mean, I am not saying that he did it on his own free will, our TL may have asked him to go through our team's response received internal queue. Which is aight but this case was not originally mine, but one of his office broskis, na mean? So it's either he did not read the email thread at all or he just decided to close it in MY name. I mean he had to type my name and I wonder if he felt something. CHOSSSSSS 😂

But I'm telling you guys, ever since he got access again, my heart started fluttering again just like when I was still crushing on him, before I moved in front of him and he started giving me all these attention that made me fall in love with him.

I have been trying to move on. I even wrote a 7 page journal entry about my feelings. I've been super distracting myself by watching Kim Possible and staying away from sappy romantic shows 😂

I need more time to heal but it will be okay!

Update 14/5:

I got another case from the same broski, which he actioned yesterday and closed it under his broski's name but he closed the other one on mine.

Ugh why am I overthinking this again!!!

Chad please go away from my feelings 😩

15/5

Today, I helped him out with one of his cases.

He said 'thanks!' whereas the past few days, he's only been replying to people on our team with 'ty!'.

Made me overthink again but I was just being ridiculous 😂 'ty' tapos today sakin 'thanks', special ako chos 😂 honestly wasn't that bothered but okay! Stop giving me special treatment please 😂 don't treat me differently from others if you don't feel the same way because it's unhealthy for me 😂

Helped him again with another one and he said 'thanks!' again urgh. Swear tho, I was hesitating a bit when I was helping him. My heart was thumping again like it did before we started getting comfortable with each other 😭😭😭

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17/5/20

Exactly 2 months since I saw him and when he dropped me home.

Oh Chad. Will I ever be over you.

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18/5/20

Helped him with another case because no one was helping him so I was just being nice.

Bianca don't be marupok pls. You've been making progress. Don't relapse now.

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20/5/20

Another day of helping him out....

Basically he asked our group chat for help, no one replied for like 5 minutes so I said I'll help him.

Then he private messaged me about the case. He told me there were a lot and said "ahah". I should have joked around but I didn't or even asked him how he was 😭

But after I helped him, this was his reply:

Huhuhu parang ang happy nya na may tumulong sa kanya. Chad naman, don't do this to me! I am trying to move on 😭

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21/05/20

Haaaayy... Reading my messages again as soon as I post them. Chad Chad Chad ....

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26/05/20

He legit have not read messages on our office GC since 10.30 this morning. I messaged a few times around 3pm and he kept reading them. Ano ba kasi Chad.

Don't be scared of rejection, I know I may not be showing real signs but I am an awkward turtle, just talk to me.

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27/05/20

As usual no one was helping him again so I private messaged him and asked if anyone was helping yet.

His response:

Hahaha cute 😂 so I told him 'give me the deets, I'll send it up'.

He said 'ty!!', gave me the deets.

Then when I completed it, this was his reply:

Hahaha naloka na xa, double a. Choss. I replied with "anytime 😊" 😂 para konti landi to let him know na I am here to help anytime HAHAHAHAHAHAHA chos

BAKIT HIRAP MAG MOVE ON MGA BESH

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5/6/20

So I've been hesitating about posting this but about 2 days ago? I had a dream about him again. It wasn't just him in it but the dream mostly centered about him and I.

Basically, we there was a party in the office and for some reason, I was getting ready at my desk as in curling my hair (so weird 😂😂😂).

Then Chad decided to go out of the computer area, probs was on a break or something. Then my team decided it was a good idea to hide his baby yoda plushie so I hid it in my locker and when he came back, he kept looking for it and we were just laughing at him. 😂

That was it haha.

But you guys, I've been diligently praying for my vocation and I've been getting signs about marriage etc. What if he's the one? God, please give me more signs.

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15/06/20

So it's been a while. I've been helping him here and there over the last few weeks.

Today's response was "awesome, thanks!"

And that made me kilig inside. 😂

I am awesome, chos! 😂

.

16/06/20

Just saw the July Schedule and he is taking 2 weeks holidays 😂

Lol fam watchu gonna do? 😂

Tara let's go on a date chos 😂

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24/06/20

I miss him ☹️ But I've been good with not thinking about him a lot but I just really can't wait to be able to ask him out in person hahaayyyy

Hmmmm I also suddenly wondered if he still has the card I gave him for Christmas. That was a cute card, €4 din un ha hahaha

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3/07/20

Yo wassup.

I had a dream, so we were back in the office. We were on the weekend shift and for some reason, I decided I was staying back for a bit more so he left before me.

Basically, from this dream, it seems that we were on minimal speaking terms. So like as he was leaving, at the computer area door, he said bye to me and idk why, I asked him to have dessert with me on Monday 😂 it was weird 😂

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12/07/20

Okur, I had a dream that he dropped me off again in Cherrywood, like just out of nowhere. Like all I remember was that we were walking to his car together.

He even opened my door and carried my bag and walked me to the front door. Haaayyy....

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14/07/20

So today, I was overthinking again.

Basically there was a post in work where an SME asked him to tag his team. He tagged me first over his broskis and that made me quite overthink again. Like the way he tagged our team was not as if it was alphabetical order. So why did he tag me first?

Hahah ako ung unang pumasok sa isip nya

Huhuhu ayoko naaaaa

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19/07/2020

So he is on his 2 weeks PTO from tomorrow.

Haaaaayyyyy miss ko na xa, bakit ba kasi ako ganito. Pero as long as he has not said that he is not interested in me, may chance pa rin tlga kami eh.

Wag lang tlaga xang umalis ng company and it will be grand.

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08/08/20

Been a while since this was updated, nothing's been happening between us so there is nothing to report. But anyways, lately I've been having (r-rated) fantasies about him 😂 argh I just want to be with him 😂

He's also started playing Fall Guys on the PS4, we have something in common na chos 😂

Also, there's an SME position in work and I have a feeling he might apply huhu if he gets it, he'll be level 12 and I won't be able to date him 😭😂

Honestly still think may something sila ng QA namin huhuhu

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16/08/20

So I told MF on the 14th of August about everything that has happened, like how I was getting mixed signals that made me overthink alot to me messaging him twice and being left on read, also how I plan on asking him out when we get to the office. (Also how he dropped me home.)

I told her how it's been very hard for me in the last 5 months, trying to move on from someone I don't even talk to. She was very understanding and told me that she also has not talked to Chad since WFH, as she was also left on read. She said he may not be the texty type because he's quite shy.

I was honestly shook. I thought they talk, even on our workplace chat because they are close in work. Cause I asked her if it was even a good idea for me to ask him out or if she knows if he's seeing someone because I don't want to intrude. I told her I want to take a risk with him but a part of me fears rejection.

She asked me if I ever thought about asking him out for coffee since things are opening up. I told her, yes but I don't think we are in that level where I could just ask him randomly.

So her plan is to build up a rapport with him again and find out the goss. I really hope she can build something up with him and that if ever, this time, there will be progress.

Until I know I have a chance with him, I can't move on. If he's seeing someone, then okay at least I'll know where I stand.

I'll let you know if there's progress.

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19/08/2020

So today, I helped him out with a case.

One of the internal tools was not working for him so he asked for help. I was the first to reply so I told him to send me the details and I'll do it.

When I did it for him, he said 'Perfect thank you!' and I just replied, "No worries 😊" landi landi with that emoji 😂 Wish we kinda had a conversation going though 😭 Wish I asked him how he was but it wasn't appropriate okay 😂

Haaayy can't wait to find out if he's dating anyone or when I'll see him again so I can ask him out. HAAAAAYYYYSSSS.

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9/9/20

So yesterday, I asked our group chat for help on a case. I didn't really expect that he would be the one to respond but he did and that was cute. Awww. ❤️

Looool I wish I could've thanked him personally but other people started helping me out so yeah. But for a brief moment, I was kilig haha

Really wanna ask him out already! But cases are rising again and I don't want him to use Covid as an excuse so I'll wait again until cases have slowed down.

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13/09/20

So today, I had a video call with MF. She told me that she got a new job 😭 meaning, she won't be able to be my wingwoman now 😭

I am happy for her but this cuts down all my chances with Chad 😭

But she did talk to Chad and he applied to the SME role apparently, I think he may have already been interviewed but he didn't hear back from them yet.

MF also said that we should meet up for a coffee date "with Bianca" and he said we should hahaha cmon MF make this a reality please so I can talk to him 😭

[punkscowardschampions]

Ro & Ali

Just a nice lil’ chit-chat about what a great boyfriend Drew is...ha ha ha

Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: I'm hoping (selfishly perhaps) to prolong this good mood by sharing it so I've bought you something. The Little ones as well 💕 Ali: Oooh! I'd throw out the obligatory 'you didn't have to!' but I love gifts almost as much as Rio does so 🙊 Ali: Just seen the Instas, I am so jelly, its been ages since I've been into any of those shops/bought a book that wasn't printed on colourful carboard/plastic Ali: I need a book haul/to know what you ordered so I can live vicariously kthnx 😘 Ro: Hence I couldn't resist and the closeness of her birthday assuaged any tiny doubts that might have briefly appeared Ro: I'd say there's no need to be but in this instance that'd be a very big untruth. I'm having such a perfect day! Ro: Only made moreso by the fact Drew was the first to state your lack of suitable stimulation Ro: he's such a sweetheart Ro: He says you can thank him via me when I deliver each lovingly wrapped parcel later if you can't wait until the bonfire Ali: Exactly, we can seamlessly eek yours out into her celebrations beginning only ever-so-slightly early 😉 Ali: As you should be, following the plan set out above, tis your Birthday month and only perfect days are allowed 👌💕 Ali: Bless him Ali: Sure he wasn't just tweaking off all the book shop coffees? 😜 Ali: Well, as we all know it was you that chose the books out, I'll thank you Ali: Caleb made his last batch of pumpkin spice cookies for the season (all cinnamon from here on out, will that and a gossip over a cuppa suffice? 😊🍪☕ Ro: I prefer to think of him being high on love 💘 but he has admittedly spent a lot of time deciding between cold brew or americano Ro: He did honestly help, at least with your selection anyway Ro: How could I possibly refuse such an offer, hmm? Ali: You're so cute it makes me wanna throw up 💋 Ali: A cold brew tho...In this weather?! He is such a white girl. Ali: Well, he is full of surprises then Ali: Maybe you can use your boy taming skillz to calm Junie down, he's having a right day of it Ro: I all but forced him (in his words only I assure you) into a coat and the heat is apparently too much Ro: I do feel cute though, which is almost as bizarre a thought Ro: must be the power of 18 Ro: Poor boy! Is Caleb working? Ali: I get that, tbf, tis how I feel about shoes. But frostbite is a very real thing, he could use a lil nagging, you should get ma on the case 🤣 Ali: Yes! So here for that 👐 Ali: You been cute, its about time you recognised honey Ali: Yeah, but he did the potwashing/brunch/lunch shift so he can be about later for a family dinner so that's nice, you know how he feels about getting up early when he could at least try to lie in 'til lunch like Ali: Can't blame him Ro: Heavens! Terrible as this will sound I'm still keeping my distance as far as Tess is concerned. I can't help but feel she can read me like a book Ro: I'm not sure about that at all but thank you 💗 Ro: Oh that's so nice! Somehow we've both whipped these boys into a shape we like it's no wonder we're smiling Ro: would you like me to head over early so I can help out? I don't mind and Drew insists he has errands to run before he shows his face Ali: Yeah, she can. Ali: Again, can't blame you but distance or not, she'll find a way to be knowing Ali: Well I am so you're more than welcome Ali: I always liked his shape 💦 Ali: heheheheheh Ali: feel free! it'll be fun, we can get in Caleb's way with all our helpful help 😂 Ro: Oh Ali! You're making me blush in public I hope you're pleased with yourself Ro: Drew has his suspicious face on as if I'm bored of him already. Imagine! Ro: Boys and their egos Ro: Okay great I'll come straight there as long as you're willing to sort out the mess I'll be before anyone sees me Ali: I am Ali: I'd be even more pleased if you'd change my name in your phone to something suspect af like... the eggplant emoji! Ali: Really keep him guessing Ali: Oh, please, your look today is fire! But I am always down for a makeover and dress-up sesh, you'll have to share the spotlight with Rio but, don't we all? 😻 Ro: Oh my god don't! I'd die Ro: If only. I think the love has somehow swelled my heart and waist Ro: small price to pay for having him back though Ali: Nah you're perfect Ali: Well, tell him good job on today 👍 Perfect Ro day out Ro: I will he's earned that praise and more Ro: He says to tell Caleb it's his turn Ro: I'm playing messenger and delivery girl today it appears Ali: Poor you, don't let him run you ragged! But, if you're up for one more job you can tell him Caleb's never been afraid of a little healthy competition 😉 Ro: Well now he's excited. Typical not a single paperback has piqued his attention that much Ali: There's only so much whipping (into shape) you can do in a day, eh? Ali: Start in the kid's section mayhaps? 😜 Ro: Excellent idea! I do need to find Rio some actual birthday gifts Ali: Two birds one stone, love that efficiency Ro: If I can be honest Ali I really would like to look as close to perfect as I can tonight Ro: you will help me won't you? It's just....I did think it was over for us Ro: I want to make his wishes come true too, not simply my own Ali: Understood Ali: Of course I will, I'll fish out my best sex goddess duds for you Ali: We'll have you both saying yes to the dress sista Ro: I appreciate the enthusiasm but let's start with him telling me he loves me again first Ro: I know it, obviously, but hearing it is another thing, right? Ro: It'd be a truly perfect day then Ali: Yeah, at least he's showing it Ali: Love languages and all that Ali: but mission accepted Ro: Thanks Ali you're the best! Ro: Well, I better get a move on if I'm ever going to leave here. See you soon xx Ali: I'm sure the amount you've put into those places, you're basically part-owner, and thus entitled to be there forever but yes, we have plans so we both need to get a wriggle on! TTFN 💕