#even when ik i’m not and that’s irrational

[train-inthedistance]

legitimately feel like the mildew in our flat is making me stupid…..

[frootyrooties]

only a month to go til i see gram gram 🥲

[honeyedmiller]

Forbidden Fruit | Joel Miller

pairing: dbf!joel miller x f!reader

warnings: dbf!Joel, age gap (reader is 26, Joel is in his late 40s), no-outbreak!Joel, smut with literally barely any plot (f oral receiving, fingering, squirting, m oral receiving, grinding, [sorta] unprotected piv), pet names, cursing, no use of y/n. 18+! minors do not interact!

word count: 5.8k

synopsis: you return back home from college after graduating with your Master’s degree, and Joel Miller is surprised to see how much you’ve really grown up.

ik the coming back from college trope is so overdone for dbf but I’m sorry I can’t help it. this was also not revised. sorry for any mistakes.

Joel Miller.

Brooding. Stern. Not much of a talker. Joel Miller was more of an observer. And boy, did Joel Miller notice how much you’ve grown.

Joel was your dad’s best buddy. You know, the one where they’d throw barbecues together, invite each other over to watch their favorite sports teams, go on fishing trips together, the works. They’ve been best friends since your dad first moved into the neighborhood. You were twelve then, and Joel loved that his daughter, Sarah, had someone around her age (you were five years older) to accompany her.

Since both of your mothers weren’t in the picture, you and Sarah bonded over that aspect of your lives. She was a sweet kid, and when Joel asked you to babysit her from time-to-time, you had no problem doing that for him.

That was years ago, though, and you’d gone off to college once again to pursue your Master’s degree. Your dad was so proud of you. Good grades, driven, responsible, good head on your shoulders—except the only irrational, illogical thought that kept crossing your mind:

Wanting Joel Miller.

You yearned for the middle-aged man. But who could blame you? He was tall, broad, strong, and not to mention, insanely handsome. Not in the typical silver fox type way, no. He was ruggedly handsome, with a seemingly permanent frown when he was around you, dark brown eyes that could get you to confess your sins, tan skin that glistened deliciously in the sun, a strong nose that was carved out by the Greek gods, dark and thick curls, greying patches of stubble, and a Southern drawl that could drop you to your knees in an instant.

Your yearning for him had always been on the back burner, but you’d always thought of him to be a handsome man. Someone nice to steal glances at here and there, and snicker to your friends about how crushing on someone forbidden as him was truly exhilarating.

Something changed between you two the last time you came home, though. You’d just graduated with your Bachelor’s degree, coming back home for the summer before applying for your Master’s that same year in the fall. All the burning gazes he’d offer your way went unnoticed at first, until you caught him staring one time and he didn’t even bother to look away. He kept his needy eyes locked on you, running over your body fully before snapping his eyes back up to yours. Then it went from looks, to subtle touches. His large hand on your lower back, yours wrapped around his bulging biceps, his brushing against the outside of your thighs, knees touching, so on and so forth.

Needless to say, you spent that summer with your hand between your legs countless times, whispering his name like a sinful confession when you came.

Your stomach twisted when your dad pulled up to your neighborhood. You gazed at all of the cookie-cutter houses, eyes peeled for a certain Miller brother as your house came into view. He wasn't outside, which caused a twinge of disappointment. You nearly rolled your eyes at yourself, because what the fuck. He's your dad's best friend, for god sake.

“So I was thinkin’,” Your dad starts, pulling his truck into the driveway of your house. “Do you want to have a party for graduating with your Master’s?” Your dad’s smile is sincere as he looks at you, and you offer him a small nod.

“Sure.” You say. You’re not big on parties since you did plenty of that in college, so you kind of wanted to settle down now and chill out. You were twenty six after all, and these days, you were much more into small kickbacks or get-togethers rather than parties. But, to your dad, a ‘party’ just meant a neighborhood barbecue mixed in with a pool day.

It was sweet that he wanted to celebrate you and your hard work, and you knew he loved to do stuff like this for you… so why the hell not?

“Perfect!” He slapped his hands against the steering wheel. “I’ll call Joel up and tell him we’re throwin’ a barbecue.”

Your cheeks flushed pink at the mention of his name, but your dad didn’t notice one bit. You clambered out of the passenger seat, helping him get your bags from the bed of his truck.

“‘Matter a’fact, I think Miller is home right now. Go ‘head and get settled in, I’ll go get Joel.” Your dad said, and you nodded. You couldn’t ignore the way your heart skipped a beat at the thought of finally seeing the man who’s been occupying your mind after two years.

You’ve definitely changed a lot within those two years, mentally and physically. You felt as if you were a bit more mature, your mind sharp and witty. You definitely had more of a ‘grown woman’ presence to you, especially in the way you dressed and carried yourself. Physically, you learned how to perfect your makeup in a sense that could literally lure anyone to you, and you’ve been working out a ton. It was noticeable, especially how plump your backside now was.

After you lugged your bags upstairs, you decided you needed a shower. You’d been on a plane all morning, so you just wanted to wash it all away. It didn’t take long for you to rinse off and wash your hair before you started rummaging through your bag to pick out something to wear. You ended up choosing a cream colored ribbed halter top with Levi jeans that made your ass look fantastic.

You knew the way you were dressing was intentional, so you might as well at least try to impress Joel just a smidge. You slicked your hair back into a neat bun, putting in your small gold chunky earrings once more and slipping on the gold bracelet your mom gave you. That was the one thing she left that you cherished, even if she wasn’t in your life anymore.

You gave yourself a once-over in your full body mirror before slightly nodding once to yourself, making your way out of the bedroom. You heard to deep chuckles coming from downstairs, and you’d recognize both from anywhere. Joel was over.

You made it to the bottom of the staircase before your dad perked up at the sight of you.

“Hey pumpkin! Hope you feel refreshed now.” He smiles, and you huff a laugh at the nickname.

“I do. Thanks dad.”

“Well well well, if it isn’t Miss Master’s Degree.” Joel chimed in, and you shifted your gaze to his. Fuck, he looked good. His hair was slightly longer and styled messily sideways, but it suited him. He wore his usual attire—plain gray shirt with dark blue jeans and his boots. He held a beer in his hand, and the neck was pointed right at you.

“Hey, Mr. Miller.” You toss him a tight-lipped smile, and he waves his hand at you.

“C’mon kid, you know it’s Joel. Being called Mr. Miller makes me feel kinda old.” He jokes, and you quirk your brow.

“Who’s to say you aren’t already?” You tease, crossing your arms over your chest. That allowed your breasts to look more voluminous, and it caught Joel’s attention for a couple of milliseconds. To an outsider, it would’ve looked totally innocent. But you knew better.

“You wound me, darlin’.” He held a hand over his chest, pretending to look hurt. You crack a small smile, wondering when the hell he got so friendly toward you. Usually, he’d have a frown on his face when he talked to you and grunts for words to match.

“So, is the party this weekend okay?” Your dad asks, moving his gaze back to you.

You nod in agreement. “It’s perfect.”

-

Saturday rolled around quickly, and now you were getting ready for your party. Guests would be here within the hour or so, so you sat at your vanity in your room in your plush robe after have just taken a shower. You styled your hair to a pretty blowout, and now you were working on your makeup. You were just about to apply your lip liner when your dad knocked on your door.

“Kiddo? I’m gonna run to the store to get some last minute stuff. Joel’s here if you need anything.” He says through the door. How convenient.

“Okay!” You shout back, and continue to line your lips. You heard the front door shut loudly, and a minute later, heavy footsteps came up the stairs. They stopped outside of your room, and you quirked your brow expecting Joel to just knock already.

“You can come in, Joel.” You said, shaking your head a bit. Your room door opened slowly to reveal the beautiful man, and you eyed him through your vanity mirror.

“Sorry, didn’t know if I’d be disturbin’ ya.” He shrugs, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. You clenched your legs together at the sight.

“Well, you’re not.” You shrug back, continuing to finish lining your lips.

“Well don’t you look pretty.” He says, shuffling further into your room. He’s by the end of your bed now, hand on his hip with an extended knee propped out.

“Thanks. So do you.” You tease, and his breath catches. You smirk slightly, opening a tube of your favorite nude lipstick before applying that.

“Y’know, you oughta be real proud of yourself, gettin’ your Master’s n’ whatnot.” He starts, and you halt your movements to look at him through the mirror again. You turn your body in your chair to fully face him, and his eyes roam over the loosely tied robe that clings to your body. The fact that you might not have anything underneath drives him fucking wild.

You see him eyeing you, so you stand up and saunter just before him. You stare up at him, head cocked to the side.

“Means I’m twenty thousand dollars smarter.” You say, and his gaze locks on yours. The tension is nearly unbearable, and fuck do you wish he’d just make the first move. Maybe it’s his morals that have him screaming ‘don’t do it’ in his head, and honestly, you have to give it to him. You’re his best friends daughter; someone who should be completely off-limits. Not to be messed with. Forbidden fruit, if you will.

“‘N what does that twenty thousand dollar smarter brain tell you now?” He leans down more so your faces are only inches apart.

“Tells me that you might have an attraction to me. You know, with the way you look at me, imagining me under you while you take care of me. While I say your name like a—”

“Fuck, darlin’, you don’t know what you’re gettin’ yourself into.” He snaps, and truthfully, he doesn’t either. This is dangerous territory, but you’re a grown woman and you could decide for yourself what you wanted and didn’t want.

“You know, Joel,” You purr. “You can say all you want that you don’t want this, but I see the way your eyes burn holes in my body. It’d be crazy to say yes and give in to what we both want, but it’d be even crazier if you lied and said you didn’t want it.”

You’re challenging him, and he didn’t like it. He was so used to being the one in control, and now that you had him wrapped around your finger, he was losing what little he had left.

“How much time do you think we’ll have?” He asks, looking up at the ceiling. He can’t believe he’s about to give into the temptress that you are, but like you said, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want it.

“Dad left ‘bout ten minutes ago. I’d say another thirty or so.” You shrug, and he tips your chin up so your gaze meets his. Your arousal was so strong that you felt the wetness stick to the apex of your inner thighs. It made you want to squirm.

“You sure this is somethin’ you want? Don’t think you can handle it, darlin’. Since you’re so used to those college boys.” He spits the last word, and you hum.

“Show me how a real man’s supposed to fuck me then, Joel.” You cross your arms over your chest.

“Aht aht, not so fast now. Gotta warm you up first. Take off your robe and go lay down.” He instructs, and you couldn’t believe this was happening. You’d been dying to get his hands on you. You tried your hardest to keep your composure, so you simply stepped back from him and slowly untied your robe. You let it drop to the floor and pool around your feet. You looked back up at him as you made your way to your bed, laying your head on your silk pillowcase.

“What a fuckin’ sight you are, baby. You belong in a museum.” He admires your body from above, and usually, you’d feel confident in bed with other boys looking at your body. But this was no boy. This was a real man, and Joel Miller at that. The fucking neighborhood dilf that everyone wanted to sink their claws in, but he never let them.

He knelt down on your bed between your legs, spreading your thighs further apart so your glistening heat was in perfect view of his line of sight.

He smacked his tongue against his teeth three times as his hands trailed up further to the apex of your thighs.

“Already this wet n’ needy n’ I haven’t even touched ya. How ‘bout that, hm?” Joel may’ve lost control in the teasing beforehand, but in bed, he gained it all back. Now you were the one wrapped around his finger, needy for him. You know he wanted to you to beg, but you didn’t give him that satisfaction. Not yet, at least.

He moved his thumbs up to your puffy lips, spreading them apart to get the most intimate view of your pussy. You looked down at him admiring you, and it sent a shiver down your spine. No one’s ever looked at you like that—taken their time to admire what they were about to have. Joel was slow, careful, like he cherished you and your body. Like it was sacred.

He tilted his head to the side as his eyes snapped back up to yours, like he was waiting for you to beg him. Again, you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of something you both wanted, so you tilted your head right back.

“Not gonna use your manners or anything?” He scoffs, and you huff a laugh.

“I have a vibrator in my nightstand that can do the job just fine, Mr. Miller.” You tease, and oh, he doesn’t like that.

“You’re a fuckin’ brat, y’know that?” He shakes his head and you toss a saccharine smile his way. You’ve got him riled up, and you just needed to tip him over the edge.

“I didn’t, Mr. Miller.” Was all you said before he smacked your pussy lightly once. The action made you moan and clench around nothing.

“No you didn’t my fuckin’ ass.” He spits onto your pussy, before delving himself into your folds. You toss your head back and let out a breathy moan, his tongue already completely coated in your slick. The muscle glides over your folds easily, finds its way to your clit, and traces tight circles around it.

“Fuck, oh my god.” You whine, gripping onto your bed sheets.

“Taste fuckin’ delicious, baby.” Joel moaned against you, continuing his relentless torture with his tongue. He moved his tongue from your clit down to your entrance, licking around once before entering you. His rough hands moved up from your thighs to your breasts, fingers teasing and pulling your sensitive peaks. Your started to squirm against him, and he smacked your breast softly.

“Stay. Still.” He warns, and you moan. This man and his tongue is going to be the absolute death of you. Then, his tongue slips out of you and dares to go down even further—a place no one has been before. You choke on a gasp as his tongue circles your hole, licking over it a few times slowly before gliding all the way back up to your clit. He brings one of his hands down from your breasts to your pussy, and he separates his mouth for a second before coating his ring and middle finger with your slick before sliding them into you.

The stretch of his two fingers was so much more than your own could offer, and it felt fucking good. He looked down at you for a split second, eyes half-lidded and burning with desire. His irises were nearly black, as he watched you with your brows threaded together and jaw slack, enjoying the feeling of his fingers pumping in and out of you languidly.

“That’s it, princess.” He encouraged, before moving his mouth back onto your clit. He sucked on it softly, generous enough to give you just the right amount of pressure that you needed. His expert fingers and tongue moved in such perfect sync that you felt yourself getting close already. Joel didn’t let up, keeping his pace steady for you. He felt you clench around his fingers, and he moaned against you in encouragement.

Within seconds, the heat in your core flooded your body head to toe in release, moaning out Joel’s name ceremoniously. He removed his mouth from you but kept his fingers in you, moving them slowly. He maneuvered himself so he was hovering over you, grabbing your jaw to prop it open.

“Open your mouth.” He said, and you immediately obeyed. He spit directly into your mouth, tasting his own saliva mixed with your arousal. Heat flooded your core again as the faint feeling of his fingers started to move faster.

“Fuck, Joel–” You gasped as he sped his movements up, a dark look taking over his eyes. A sickly sweet smirk made its way onto his lips as you felt a pressure build in you again, but it felt different this time. This time, it was one like you needed to pee.

“Joel, stop, I feel like I need t–” You couldn’t even finish your sentence before that strange sensation built up so rapidly that clear liquid gushed from your core. You moaned loudly, the sensation making your whole body tingle.

Joel chuckled darkly. “Well look at that. The princess can squirt.” Before, you would’ve wanted to wipe the sickly satisfaction that was strewn on his face, but after him making you cum the way you did, you couldn’t say shit.

Your body was still trembling from the aftershocks of the orgasm, ragged breath and all. Joel started to unbuckle his belt, tugging at his pants until they were around his ankles. The confinement of his cock in his underwear was nearly painful, and he couldn’t wait to see your lips wrapped around him.

“Y’gonna watch me please myself or ya gonna help me with this… situation? Unless you don’t wanna ruin your lipstick, princess.” He gestures down to his bulge, and you nearly roll your eyes.

“Lipstick’s re-applicable, Mr. Miller.” You maneuver your weak body down to the floor and on your knees in front of him.

“What’d I tell you about calling me that?” He grabs your chin between his thumb and index finger harshly, jerking your head up to meet his gaze. He looks sexy like this, all riled up while he waits for you to make him feel good.

“Oh c’mon, Joel, you’re still the neighborhood dilf regardless if I call you that or not.” You laugh, moving your hands up to tug at the waistband of his boxers.

“Christ woman, you really test my patience y’know that?” He scoffs with a lopsided grin, shaking his head. His mind was swirling with thoughts of how grown up you were now; how mature you’ve really gotten. He was a nasty man taking what he wanted from you and you were a nasty woman for letting him. The secrecy made it all the better, and truth be told, Joel hasn’t done anything this exhilarating in a very long while.

You both came to a silent mutual agreeance that this was nothing more than a casual fling; something you both could fulfill your needs with. Which, honestly, was perfect for you. You weren’t looking for anything and you’d be damned if that thing was with your father’s best friend. This was to get the mutual pining out of the way, and for Joel to show you how a real man should fuck you.

You tugged his boxers down, freeing his painfully hard erection. Joel wasn’t small by any means—he had girth and an impressive length. He’s by far the biggest you’ve ever had, but that wasn’t stopping you from showing him how you could handle him.

His tip was dark pink and leaking pre cum, waiting to be cleaned up by your tongue. You looked up at him as he cocked an eyebrow at you, silently challenging you to go ahead and take it all.

You close your eyes for a split second before opening them again, taking his heavy cock into your hand and giving the silky flesh a few tugs. A low grown emerges from his chest, eyes closing in pure ecstasy. You decided to play nice and not tease him too much, so you leaned forward and gave his tip a few kitten licks to gather the pre cum on your tongue.

Joel inhaled a sharp breath as you licked down his whole shaft on each side, coming back up to kiss the tip. You used one hand to steady his length before putting him slowly in your mouth, inch by inch before your nose was met with the coarse curly hairs at the base of his cock. His tip hit the back of your throat, but you swallowed around him as best as you could before you had the urge to gag.

“Good god, woman— fuck.” He hissed, jaw going slack and eyes pressing closed in pleasure. You hummed against him as you raised your head back up, going back down again at a slow pace at first. You eventually found a steady rhythm, making sure to pay some mind to his balls too. He was a panting mess above you, trying so hard to keep it together but barely managing. He kept repeating your name over and over, so much so that it almost sounded like a whine. The arousal between your legs pooled up again, fast. Hearing a grown man whine for you and what you were doing for him made your eyes nearly roll to the back of your head. You’d never considered yourself a dom, but things like this really fucking turned you on.

You licked up the side of one particular protruding vein on his cock up to the slit of his tip, and he lost it.

“‘M’not gonna fuckin’ last if y’keep doin’ that.” He sighs, gripping your comforter.

“That’s the whole point.” You said, doing that move a few more times before he stilled, hips bucking up into your mouth as he spilled his cum down your throat. You swallowed every last bit of it, moving your mouth off of him with a ‘pop’. You stood up using his knees to elevate yourself, naked and no longer self conscious of being in such a state in front of him.

“We should probably cut it off here. People will be arriving soon.” You say, stepping back to pick up your robe and tie it around yourself again. You looked at yourself in the mirror, and truthfully, you looked much better than you thought you would. You just needed to fix some slightly runny eye makeup and your lipstick.

“Yeah,” Joel nods as he stands up, tucking himself back into his boxers and pulling his pants back up. He re-buckled his belt, straightening himself out before turning to you. You met his gaze through the mirror, and with dark eyes and a smug smile, he steps up behind you before putting his hands on your hips. He leans down so his mouth is level with your ear, and whispers so softly to you that it sends violent chills down your spine. “I’ll ruin every single man for you once I’m buried in that pretty cunt. That’s a promise.”

He walks away without saying another word, leaving you absolutely dumbfounded.

-

The party was in full swing, neighbors that you hadn’t seen in years at the function. It was nice to see and catch up with everyone, but you couldn’t ignore the heavy ache in your core. Joel’s words kept replaying in your head, and you’ve had half a mind to just drag him upstairs and have him fuck you then and there. But, life wasn’t always fair.

You spent all afternoon telling the whole neighborhood what you majored in, what kind of jobs you were looking for, moving plans, so on and so forth. You lived in a small community just outside of the city, so everyone was in everyone’s business here.

Joel kept mostly to himself for the whole party, except for the same burning gaze he always gave you when no one was watching, and the occasional touch on your lower back that would make you go rigid. He was especially fixated on your legs, which he couldn’t help but imagine being wrapped around his waist as he fucked you senseless.

Today, you wore shorts that showed off the plump curve of your ass, and a loose white linen short sleeve button down with the first couple of buttons undone. Your hot pink bikini top was peaking out from it which gave the simple outfit a small pop of color. You’d purposefully lean over to talk to people who were sitting, or bend down at the waist to get drinks from the cooler because you knew he was watching.

You kept your cool though, because that’s all you really could do at that point. You had to pretend that the older Miller brother’s face definitely wasn’t buried between your legs hours prior, or that he definitely didn’t make you squirt for the first time, or that you definitely didn’t have your lips wrapped around his cock.

By the time the party dwindled down, it was nearly midnight. You were escorting the last of the guests out with a genuine ‘thank you’ and ‘goodbye’, before heading back to the backyard where your dad and Joel remained.

Your dad was hammered, which in all honesty, was pretty funny. He’d rarely ever get drunk like this so you know he was going to sleep good tonight.

“Hey dad, why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest. Joel and I will clean up what’s left out here.” You suggest, putting a hand on your dad’s back.

He mumbled something incoherent before smiling down at you. “Okay sweetie. You’re right. I’m gonna… gonna… yeah. Do what you said.” He nods and you stifle a laugh as he drags his feet to the glass sliding door.

“Let me help you old man.” Joel chuckles as he helps your drunken father upstairs and safely into his bedroom. You clean up the small amount of trash left, thankful that your neighbors are decent people and throw away their own messes. You find the weather around you to be still and warm—perfect for the jacuzzi. You strip yourself of your shoes, shirt and shorts, leaving you in nothing but your skimpy bikini. The bottoms were nearly swallowed by your ass, so you’re kind of grateful that your dad went upstairs to sleep off his fun day.

You settled yourself in, groaning softly as the warm water settled your bones. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against the concrete, enjoying the peace and quiet.

That is, until the sliding glass door opened and closed again. You didn’t open your eyes, but the sound of heavy footsteps neared you. The back porch light was turned off, so the backyard was completely submerged in darkness before the jacuzzi lights turned on. A pretty, soft purple glow shone throughout the space, the jet suddenly coming on as well. Bubbles started to form, and that’s when you opened your eyes. You were surprised to see Joel stripping down to his boxers, two beers in hand.

He climbed in next to you, handing you an uncapped beer. He didn’t say a word as he settled, clinking the neck of your beer bottle with his own. You both took a swig, and you set the beer bottle down before you dissociated while looking at the purple bubbles.

“Did you have a good party?” He asked, setting his beer bottle down too.

“I did.” You nod, looking at him. Just like that, the tension was back. You were sure the arousal was a sticky mess on your bikini bottoms had you not climbed into the jacuzzi. Even the soft flesh between your thighs was drenched. The heavy ache was low in your belly, and you really wanted Joel to get rid of it.

“Please tell me you want me right now as much as I want you.” You say, and Joel was taken aback by your bluntness. Might as well just say it straight up, right? No point in beating around the bush now. Hunger flashed through his eyes, and he swallowed thickly.

“Yeah, I do.” His voice was merely a whisper above the loud bubbles.

“Good.” Was all you said before you moved your hand down to his boxers, palming his semi-hard cock through the soaked material.

“I love when a woman knows what she wants. It’s sexy.” Joel admits, and you toss him a smug smile.

“That’s because I want to see how a real man should be fucking me, Joel.” You said, and he pokes his tongue out to lick his lips.

He swiftly grabs you, pulling you on top of him. His cock was now fully hard, and at the right angle, your clit caught onto it through the fabric of your bikini bottom. A low moan escaped you, tossing your head back. Joel’s heavy hands settled on your hips below the water, moving down to your ass to securely rest there. He gave it a squeeze before rutting you forward, grinding your aching core on his cock. You both sighed in pleasure as you continued to do so.

Your eyes snapped open as you looked at him, showing him you wanted him in you sooner rather than later. His eyes flickered from your gaze to your lips, which he’d been wanting to kiss but he didn’t know if that was crossing a boundary. You made the initial move and moved forward, pressing your lips to his.

Joel was surprisingly gentle with the kiss, threading his fingers through your hair. You kept grinding your hips into him, earning a throaty moan from him.

“Joel,” You pulled apart from his lips quickly. “I need you. Fuck, I need your cock so bad.” You beg, finally breaking. He smirked at you and you stood on your knees so he could pull his boxers down, freeing his erection once more. You just pulled your bikini bottom to the side, teasing his tip with your slit before he stopped you,

“Wait,” He said, and you halted your movements. “Are you on the pill?” It was nice that he was checking, because any dumb college boy you’ve hooked up with would’ve just been okay with buying you a plan B in the morning. Luckily you were smarter than they were, and thought about contraceptives way in advance.

“I have an IUD.” You say. He nods and lets you continue your teasing, before he pulled you down for another kiss. This time, you lined him up with your entrance before sliding down on him slowly, both of you swallowing each other’s moans. You were lucky the jets and bubbles were loud, or else anyone could’ve easily heard you both.

You went all the way until he was buried to the hilt, and you gripped this thick locks in pleasure. The stretch was fucking delicious, and you immediately began to move. You took the pain with the pleasure, the mix of both adding to the fuel of the fire that was your arousal.

You rocked your hips back and forth, and Joel was nearly choking on his own breath. “Fuck, baby, you’re so goddamn tight.” He hissed, tossing his head back. You used that as opportunity to kiss his neck, pulling more moans from him. He steadied your hips as he pulled you up and nearly off of him, before slamming you down on his cock again. You had to cover your mouth from nearly screaming out loud at the sensation. He continued this pattern, fucking up into you quickly as he captured your mouth with his. He swallowed your moans, one arm braced around your lower back as the other one held your neck securely.

The friction from the quick movements was enough to make you cum without warning, and your body trembled against his as he kept fucking up into you.

“Feels so fuckin’ good, Joel. Fuck you’re so big.”

“Yeah baby? Gonna ruin this little pussy. It’s mine.”

Fuck, that was dangerous territory, but his dirty talk spurred you both on as another orgasm was building up in your core again. Joel felt you fluttering around him, and he breathlessly chuckled. He nipped the flesh above your bikini top on your breasts, sure to leave a mark there for the following few days.

“Dirty fuckin’ girl, fuckin’ your dad’s best friend like this. Wonder what he’d say if he saw us both right now.” Joel groaned, chasing after his own orgasm.

“He’d–he’d k-kill us b-oth.” You stuttered as Joel’s cock hit a spot inside of you that had you fucking seeing stars.

“That’s it, there you go baby,” Joel felt as you clamped down on him, urging you on. “Cum with me.” Was all he said before your second orgasm ripped through you, his seconds later.

“Good girl.” Was all he said before you lifted yourself off of him a minute later, the loss of his heavy cock in you something devastating. You were heaving messes, the Texas night heat getting to you both.

Your dad really would kill you both if he ever found out about this. Well, more like he’d kill Joel, and you’d be banished from the family forever.

This whole ‘forbidden fruit’ thing was truly the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done in your life, but surely with Joel it was just a one time thing…

Right?

[eijirousbestie]

I love love love your bakugou x artist reader trope please we need more of it it’s so wholesome i have read it on repeat since you upload it 💗💗💗

Aahh thank you so much!! Kinda grew attached to it myself so I’m glad to hear y’all love it sm<33 This is definitely a series I plan on continuing🤟🏽 this part is kinda more goofy than anything else but I promise there’s fluff near the end<33

“Fuck around and find out”

he loses his drumsticks

missing rug

using an art supply as a weapon?

nonverbal apology

can’t admit he’s wrong for SHIT

Clay is never easy to work with and you’d be foolish to think it is. It’s messy, dries relatively quickly and dirties up every surface it graces. You swear your sculpting professor is out to get you with these ridiculous projects. From cardboard cutouts to detailed portraits to clay. It’s a madhouse in the art department.

Using your modeling tool, you try to carve into the block of raku clay that cost an arm and a leg to buy from the university’s private art supply store. It was a blessing and a curse to have it so conveniently placed right across the hall from your sculpting class. The clay and tool alone cost you $27 that you’ll never see again. This degree better be worth it. You look at your desk partner and see that she’s going to town on her clay block. She cuts, carves and scoops at it like she’s done it a thousand times over. Clay sculpting is a completely different wheelhouse you’re not used to but you’re always willing to learn. Hopefully fast.

You quickly check your phone, residual dried clay sprinkling onto the screen as you click on it. 7:50 PM. It’s time to wrap it up for the day. Almost in sync, your professor calls time and you all begin to clean up. You clean off your work station diligently and swing your bag over your shoulder, wishing everyone a good night as you leave. The walk to your car is peaceful. The night is quiet and the air is cool and clear. Truth be told, you were opposed to taking a night class at the start, probably afraid you’d get jumped at night or something irrational like that. But now it’s what you look forward to during the week. Being left alone with your own thoughts and decompressing from the day in the evening is just so therapeutic. Finally making it to your car, you get in, closing and locking the door after. Now that your hands are free from dried clay, you go through your missed messages for the evening. As soon as you turn off do not disturb your screen is flooded with missed calls and text notifications. Your eyes widen and confusion floods your mind as you scroll to the very first message.

#1 Hater🏆: yo, lost my drumsticks. you seen em?

delivered 6:15 PM

#1 Hater🏆 missed call

#1 Hater🏆: yeah you totally took em u little shit

delivered 6:30 PM

#1 Hater🏆 missed call (2)

#1 Hater🏆 missed call (4)

#1 Hater🏆: ik damn well you’re not ignoring me rn

#1 Hater🏆: i’ll go in your room rn and throw out that shitty rug. keep playin

delivered 7:05 PM

You laugh at his empty threat of a message and roll your eyes. What he had against your rug, you didn’t know. Buying a rep was cheaper than the real thing. KAWS is not a brand that’s in your tax bracket. And of course you didn’t know where his drumsticks were. He usually keeps all his music equipment locked away somewhere so it’s most likely his fault for losing them. You’re about to turn off your phone when a ping sounds from your device, a new message shining brightly on your screen.

#1 Hater🏆: forgot you were at your night class. probably got me on dnd anyways

#1 Hater🏆: still gonna give you hell for stealing my shit tho

delivered 8:03 PM

You type back a quick reply.

You: don’t have ur sticks. touch my rug and u die. I’ll be back in 5 to kick ur ass for blaming me

You shut your phone off and start your car, pulling out of the parking lot and driving back to the dorms.

Once you’re back you walk through the living room and make a beeline to your room. You open your door and what you see inside is enough to fuel nightmares. A rather deranged looking Bakugou has his hip leaned up against your windowsill, arms crossed over his chest as a single lamppost from outside your window illuminates one side of his face. He looks at you. Stares even and doesn’t say a single word.

“Is there a reason you’re just sitting in the dark like a weird-ass Disney villain or?” You flick on the light switch next to the door, drenching your room with light. It’s only then that you notice your floor is rather bare. This motherfucker.

He must have seen your reaction judging by the way his eyes follow your gaze to your now exposed wood flooring. A shit eating grin spreads across his face, damn near splitting it in two. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You’d hate to beat his ass over something so trivial but it’s getting harder to restrain yourself. You force yourself to look him in the eyes as you speak very very carefully.

“Kats… you wouldn’t happen to know where my rug is would you?”

He straightens up and walks towards you, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his sweats, a cocky bounce in his stride.

“Dunno. My shit’s missing too. Must be a ghost or somethin’.” Not a lick of remorse escapes his mouth. He’s smug. He’s proud of himself and he even came back to the scene of the crime just to taunt you. Your left eye twitches, patience wearing thin.

“I’ll ask you one more time for the sake of being generous. Where. Is my. Rug.” He shrugs and feigns innocence.

“Fuck around and find out.”

The hell did he just say? Is he really trying to pick a fight right now? Usually you’re the one keeping the peace but this man has now dragged your innocent rug into his thick headed nonsense. You chuckle in disbelief and look at the ground, shaking your head slightly.

“‘Fuck around and find out?’ Huh… aight then.” Bag still slung over your shoulder, you unzip the smallest pocket and pull out the modeling tool you used earlier for your sculpting class. You grip it tightly in your palm, the pointed edge facing outwards. Bakugou’s cocky façade waivers a bit but he doesn’t show it. His left eyebrow quirks up in interest.

“Tryna stab me with an art supply?” You’re not really gonna stab him. Just scare him into giving you your stuff back. Maybe…

“You said fuck around and find out right? So imma fuck you up til I find out where my shit is.” You drop your bag on the ground and rush at him all at once. His once calm demeanor switches to sudden shock and he moves to dodge your swing.

“Dude what the fuck!? Will you chill?” He doesn’t know whether he’s shouting in annoyance or fear, though he’ll never admit the latter. You turn around to where he’s standing behind you, modeling tool still tightly clutched in hand.

“Give me my shit back then!”

“Cmon it’s a shitty knock off. You really gonna stab me over a $30 rug?”

“And you really stole a $30 rug over a $15 pair of drumsticks?”

“Cuz you stole em!”

“I didn’t steal anything. I don’t even know where you keep them Kats! Plus I haven’t been in the dorms since 8 this morning.” His face stills and his brain sorts through what you’d just said. It made sense really. Today was your long day this week. You’d been gone from 8 AM to 8 PM.

He straightens up from his defensive stance and looks away, rubbing the back of his nape. “Okay well even if you didn’t take em, still don’t know where they are. Everyone’s a suspect right now.”

“Then why aren’t everyone else’s things missing?”

He shakes his head and corrects you. “Nah, I took a piece of everyone’s shit too not just you. It’s all stashed til someone fesses up.” You stare at him like he’s grown two heads, face turned up in disapproval and disbelief.

“Aight Kats whatever. You know it’s not me, so can I please have my rug back?” At this point you where drained from classes and just wanted to rest. Not to mention using the last of your energy to attack this idiot.

He walks to your door and opens it, the creak of the door signaling his great escape. “Ask me nicely.” He’s closing the door behind himself now, but you’re quick to yell out.

“Dude are you seriou-”

“Under the bed.” With that, he closes the door and you’re left in silence. You kneel on the ground and look under your bed and just as he said, your rug is there safe and sound. You pull it out from its hiding spot and place it back in its respective spot on the floor. You let out a deep sigh of relief which can be heard by the eavesdropping figure just outside your door. He chuckles to himself and walks to his room. Truth be told he found his drumsticks minutes before you came back to the dorms. He was just too embarrassed to tell you he found them after misplacing them himself and blaming you for it. Plus, it was more fun this way. Minus the potential stabbing part.

[eldritch-spouse]

hi! my b if this has been asked before, but can/do any of your ocs have tattoos? would they want them? ik breg probably wouldn’t bc of the needles/pain, but i’m curious abt the others like santi, morell, vesper, livius…? (also i jus wanna say that i LOVE your writing 😭 i stumbled across your account on ao3 and then i made a tumblr because i could not get enough! you’re seriously so talented and everything you write jus has me craving for more.)

Now that you mention it... Yeah, I don't think there's a single character of mine with tattoos, which is a bit strange to me, but curious.

You're entirely correct, Breg is too much of a wuss about needles to ever humor one. Although, if it was a simple tattoo of your name, he would probably agree. The breeder would just have to hold your hand very tightly, and you need to keep his eyes on you the entire time or he will flip and possibly hurt the poor artist trying to work on him. Remember, the space you tattoo becomes dysfunctional when it comes to Breg's skin flickering, so maybe do it with color?

Most of the demons are totally willing to get tattoos with you. Demons are used to marks in general, many have carved and branded things into their own bodies, displaying scars and tattoos alike as sources of immense pride. Some definitely find tattoos attractive in their mates. Concubi like Santi and Vesper are particularly into the idea of you suggesting a design of yours to tattoo onto them. It functions as your own "mark". Obie is also big into tats on others, he's very indecisive about his own body however.

Livius would only humor a tatoo if it's done to match you in some way. He wants it EXACTLY like yours, if it's off even by a little bit, there will be a tantrum. Going to be real here, you could probably suggest Vesper get a tramp stamp saying "King Cumdump" and he'd get it.

Morell generally detests tattoos. We've talked about it before on the blog. He thinks it ruins meat quality, and even if he doesn't plan to eat you, his irrational distaste is still there. He hates it. Putting tattoos on himself is even less appealing, since his body is all spotted. It would looks jarring and weird, and possibly ruin his faint glow.

Another one who doesn't really like tattoos is Krulu. If you must wear a design on your body, let it be his alone. Similarly, Miara would rather you do something suiting her tastes. Or, at the very least, in a variety of colors.

Shags FUCKING LOVES tattoos. It's part of how he makes a living! Selling his ink so it can be treated properly and used for body art, which he himself has dabbled in plenty of times. You want to get a new tattoo? Fuck yes, let him help you with the design, yes? Unfortunately, since he's constantly dripping ink and his body is almost always some degree of mutilated, Shags doesn't really want to tattoo himself.

[Oh my God, you made a Tumblr just for me?!? Ahfhsbfbsf that's so sweet, holy shit. <3 Thenk you lots, I'm very very glad you enjoy my content that much!!!]

[solar-halos]

spoilers for the ballad of songbirds and snakes movie down below!! but i just need to talk abt this in xtreme detail before i explode

1. i really liked the Baby Snow / Tigris inclusion. i was wondering if they’d include the cannibal scene

2. the beginning was just a straight up thirst trap sorry. like ik in the book snow was freaking out over his shirt but it didn’t rlly occur to me that he’d be butt booty naked. im not complaining bc i said it once and i’ll fucking say it again: i’m not watching someone be manipulative AND ugly for two fucking hours. it was just kinda a jump scare

3. also another concern was that you wouldn’t be able to tell how shitty of a person he was since he’s so outwardly nice but his internal monologue is slimy and ratworthy, so i thought they’d do the things movies do where he’s narrating his thoughts to the audience. yk like “hey persephone! <3. how are you??” and then his voiceover is like “i fucking hate this bitch. cannibalistic weirdo” but maybe that would have been too humorous

4. speaking of humor i actually loved lucky so fucking much. he rlly emulated the whole “what i lack in experience i make up for in personality :)” thing and just he kinda carried the fact that everything abt televising the games was so new. also that scene at the zoo where lucy gray asked him who the fuck he even was and the cameraman started laughing.. funny as fuck. enjoyed that part immensely

5. also she did in fact correct them that her name was lucy gray and not just lucy

6. loved the whole “how come she gets a mender” “MENTOR” part i’m also glad they kept that in

7. let’s go back to the beginning. i LOVE how closely they stuck to the book when it came to the shirt scene “that must be why it reminds me of my maids bathroom” THATS what i’m talking about

8. also clemensia is sooo pretty. one thing that irritated me was how OFTEN she and snow kept glancing over at each other during dean highbottom’s speech. like i know i’m being irrational abt this but most the time she would look over at him and he would NOT look back (or vice versa) instead of them BOTH hitting each other w the “what the fuck?” glance and something abt that did admittedly grind my gears

9. fucking love sejanus’ actor the first movie i saw him in was west side story and he ate here

10. speaking of that… coral fucking ate too every single scene i was on her side she was the victor to ME

11. anyway let’s go back a bit with the proposal gaul had snow (and clemensia) write up. to me, the way the scene unfolded was weird. it was supposed to show a contrast between clemensia mourning and snow not rlly giving a fuck, but clemenisa being the one saying “give me the bullet points” was strange. to me, i feel like the convo should have gone like: “how could gaul expect us to write that proposal i was crying over arcchane all night” “dw i already wrote it” “where did you find the time? i was too busy grieving” “do you want the bullet points or not?” or something. idk i’m not a movie writer

12. why did clemensia stick her hands in there maybe it was the same in the book but at that point she just needed to admit defeat

13. okay one thing i DO remember about the book is that no one at the cornocupia fought each other, reaper was literally the only one ready to fight. that kinda pissed me off bc i feel like they could have made it interesting in a emotional way (like showing how desperate the tributes are to escape in their own ways) instead of an action sort of way (bc GODDAMN where did they learn to brawl like that?? d4 makes sense but some of them were shooting ARROWS katniss everdeen style). but again im not a movie person so “interesting in an emotional way” is just me being pretentious

14. wovey </3. i’m not rlly sure why they had dill drink the water i think having wovey drink it like in the book would have packed more of a punch ESPECIALLY since lucy gray makes a comment abt how she reminds her of maude ivory / that scene where wovey holds her hand. maybe that was in the book too tho i’m not sure i haven’t read it since it came out. one change that i did remember AND tolerated was snow being the one to cause the whole fuck up w the drones “i wasn’t attacking the other tributes—i was just sending her water” VERY good scene, gave more insight to his character imo. like yes i would have loved a d3 moment but i think this tweak not only made sense but made everything much more nice and neat and smooth

15. okay the singing parts. loved the reaping, but lucy gray constantly being like “give me a second, boys” “let’s go, boys” reminded me of that one delaney video

16. “you can kiss my ass!!!!!!” she ate that

17. also oooo the song she sang abt billy taupe that made snow jealousssss. she was so good like ugh. idk something abt the >:( faces she made ignited something in me. which is exactly the point of lucy gray and rachel zegler literally did such a fantastic job playing maria in west side story so tbh what we were expecting if anyone could have played this role it was her

18. and then lawrence whatever saying this was a love story… okay. i’ve always had the opinion that lucy gray genuinely liked snow (like in a stockholm-y way) BUT snow was too blinded by control to actually love her back, so i could see where he was coming from. with that being said, i feel like in the books snow had a lot more moments where he was doing / saying “sweet” things to lucy gray, so the scene where they almost kissed and then her happiness at being reunited with him just seemed so awkward and out of place. like i get it they truly did not spend that much time together but the kiss before the arena was so important idk why they left it out. when they kissed after being reunited and when she was like :D after seeing him in 12 i was like “uhh yall don’t even know each other like that calm down”

19. let’s go back the arena. i like the little nod of lucy gray killing treech w rat poison, even if it was kinda anticlimactic

20. speaking of anticlimatic… the ending? sucked. like it would have been abrupt either way and maybe i’m just misremembering but the lucy gray showdown with treech could have been the action scene that replaced the bloodbath (bc the bloodbath didn’t exist back then!!! that was the whole point!!!). also i don’t remember gaul being so adamant about not wanting a victor at all, but i understand why they did that bc how else would they have incorporated the “get her out” chant

21. there were a lot of scenes that made me go “ohhh i wanna remember this forever that’s so good and clever.” of course i forgot abt most of it by the time the movie was over, but one scene that stuck out to me was when the capitol students got rlly fuckin angry when reaper tore down their flag

22. also i knew what happened to marcus but tell me why i gasped when i saw him hanging there anyway

23. i don’t remember lamina crying in the books??? also don’t understand why snow was against the alliance here i think him being confused abt it in the book was better bc i when i read it i remember being genuinely surprised that he was surprised that lucy gray wanted to team up w someone i was like ummm isn’t that common sense

24. “it isn’t fair i killed all those ppl for nothing.” GOOSEBUMPS

25. again maybe i’m misremembering but didn’t snow beat the shit out of bobbin even after he already knew he was dead?? even if that wasn’t the case and i’m just misremembering i feel like they should have drawn that out more to show snows descent into Psychotic Bitch Mode

26. that scene where billy taupe was pulling at lucy grays skirt and being like “ik u missed me” dragged out for WAY too long, esp since lucy gray kept repeating “get off me, billy taupe. get off me” like WAY too calmly given the context of the situation. again im not a movie person AT ALL, but i think her snapping and kicking billy taupe away could have been a nod to how she bit his hand in the book. then, after she kicked him, snow could have arrived and started being the shit out of him. idk her biting billy taupe was something snow mentioned when he was justifying how he was gonna kill her, so idk. i thought they were gonna do a ranting sequence / flashback scenes with snow remembering how lucy gray was “violent” / “dangerous” that would trigger him (no pun intended) to actually start shooting. like him beating up billy taupe for a longer time than he needed to was also an indicator that he’s in Psychotic Bitch Mode, but i feel like it could have been a 2-in-1. if that makes sense

27. why did billy taupe push mayfair in the TITS. go to hell

28. said it before and i’ll say it again: lucy gray is a fashion icon. i wanna crochet her bathing suit so bad

29. that scene where they were going to the woods and snow was slapping away the mosquito omg. he was PISSED

30. “it’s a mystery. just like me” oh my fucking god i love rachel zeglers portrayal of lucy gray

31. also call me classist but i fucking hate country music but rachel zeglers performances might have converted me. “cant take my paaaaaast” yee yee!

32. okay. so i think a big question was if snow was portrayed as properly slimy and ratworthy to ppl who did NOT read the books. in my opinion, i don’t think so. in the books, you can obviously tell he’s fucking awful. in the movies, he’s obviously shitty too, but i feel like there are moments where he’s portrayed way kinder than he actually is, like when he started crying over sejanus. they kept in a lot of stuff he said sympathizing w the tributes (like the part in the book where he was like “how could they punish marcus for trying to escape from certain death?” BUT they DID leave out parts that made him so intolerable, like when he genuinely convinced himself that lucy gray was more capitol than district / his gross thoughts abt the games and control and possessiveness in general. like remember when he said that having lucy gray locked up in the capitol was a better alternative than her being in d12 bc at least he’d know where she was at all times?? or when he was ready to give up on trying to reunite w her bc it was hot asf and SENJAUS had to be the one to convince him to keep going? wtf

33. ALSO something that bugged the hell out of me is sejanus’ death scene. bc in the book his last words were ma BUT in the movie it sounded so much like he said pa. idk if that was just me tho but it caught me so off guard bc this man has DADDY ISSUES and it would be so different if he said pa. Pa is money and wealth, Ma is comfort and compassion. wanting his dad = he rlly just wanted his dad to bail him out. wanting his ma = wanting comfort and stability. but it sounded a lot more like ma when the jabberjays repeated everything back so maybe i just misheard

34. snow glaring at the rainbow fucking sent me i know his ass was brainstorming (no pun intended) on how to control the fucking weather

35. okay sorry i need to talk more about how snow was portrayed. my sister went w me but i did not know that she didn’t know ANYTHING about the movie, she was just coming w me bc she felt bad that i’d have to wait another week to watch it and decided that she wasn’t even gonna read a summary abt it. like she did not know that coriolanus snow = president snow, but i was still hoping that she knew that he was a bad person. nope. as soon as we left, she told me how much she hated the ending, and i thought it was bc she was pissed no one found out about snow. nope again. in her words, “i thought they��d get married”

my live reaction to that information

to be fair, when i was her age, i thought heathers was a love story, so i had to cut her some slack. after a bit of INTERROGATION, this is what she told me:

1. at least she thought that HE’D move in with HER, and not the other way around

2. what would be his motivation for moving to the districts? cos obviously he hated the capitol

okay me when i write a lucy gray / sejanus fanfiction. but still. if that’s what she got from the portrayal of his character, i think it’s safe to say that they could have done a lot more work to ensure that he was perfectly ratworthy to the audience. like yes she’s young and yes she had no idea what the fuck was going on (in her words: “yeah i was like ‘i’ll just ask u to explain it to me after’”) but i feel like knowing that he’s an awful person who hates the district should be something u make GLARINGLY obvious, even if it would be cheesy. i know that shoving a hot person on screen and downplaying their characters HEINOUS crimes is rlly common when it comes to things like this, but i genuinely don’t think that was (quite) the case here. like he had the potential of being as horrible as he is in the book (not even hesitating to send the jabberyjay recording of sejanus to the capitol, telling sejanus he only said all that shit abt changing the world bc he just wanted to save his own ass) but it just.. felt very half-assed. in my opinion

36. look i know this post is already xtremely long but would u believe me if i said there were more things i wanted to talk abt but can’t remember bc i have goldfish memory?? bc i do. but that’s all i can remmeber for now. goodnight and goodbye

[jeannineee]

ok ik what tamlin did to feyre was wrong but you cannot tell me the bat boys wouldn't do the same thing

Oh I know!! That’s what I’m saying, as wrong as it was of Tamlin to “lock Feyre up” he was obviously terrified of losing her, and went to great lengths to prevent that from happening.

In the SJM-verse, Fae males (and even females) can be very irrational when it comes to the people they love.

Rhys did something similar w/ Feyre in ACOSF—hiding the pregnancy complications from her because he didn’t want to stress her or the baby.

Piss poor choices, made out of a combination of love and fear.

[casp1an-sea]

TW Vent:

It took me like 2 weeks of college and I already tapped out. To say this week has been shit would be an understatement. It’s not just college, or family, or friends, it’s fucking everything all at once plus my brain being stupid. Right now I’m wandering around campus trying to go anywhere but my dorm and I don’t even know why. The stuff I pushed back so I could enjoy my first weeks of college is back and worse than before plus a whole bunch of new shit. I cried yesterday like genuinely for the first time in a long time, and idk that made me angry. I hated that it was so hard to cry. I want to cry right now but I feel like I can’t, I feel like my body is incapable. Which makes me not only feel like my feelings are invalid, but also trapped because I can’t have that emotional release. And on top of all this I have to be responsible? I have to clean my dorm room, do home work, go to class, study, and i’m also expected to be social? I dont want to be around people right now but I also don’t wanna be alone but when I’m around people (both online and irl) I feel like I’m a burden to them. And all of this is scary so I curl up in a corner and procrastinate. I would say Kylux is the only thing getting me through but I also hate it because it just feels so cringy (Ik it’s not I’m just insecure about it) and I feel like I’m gonna ruin it again I’m going to obsess over it to the point my friends even can’t take it anymore like I’ve done with so many other interests. Maybe I already have done that. Probably have. Definitely have for some people at least. Heck sometimes I feel like I annoy the actual Kylux Fandom. Plus I want to do so many things with it but I don’t have the energy or time which adds onto my feeling of being behind. I always feel like I’m running out of time. My anxiety is a constant in my life, and I can’t even do anything about some of these issues because they’re irrational or it’s not the right time or a number of other hindrances. I just need things to stop moving so fast. I need a break, but also I can’t take one, I had one, it was summer, but that’s over and now I just have this constant feeling of too much, there’s to much going on, there’s to many emotions, to many things to process so I just feel numb, and I just need it all to shut up. But there’s no pause button for life so I just have to put up with it I guess.

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

Do you have tips on how to deal with fear of success/self sabotage due to growing up in a toxic home? I’m scared of leaving because everything I’ve tried mostly didn’t work out, and my parents have exhausted me, and emotionally beat me out of being excited for the future. Im suppose to graduate college this year, but I can’t because I wasn’t allowed to transfer and had panic attacks during online college so I had to stop. I just feel….so stuck and miserable. I spent majority of this year wasting money binging and ducking up my teeth and health in the process. Ik it’s not good for me, and now I actually have the resources and can save $ to leave, but I’m still scared. Of the guilt but more so that even if I leave my toxic house, I’ll still be miserable. I’m worried that secretly all along I was the problem and using my parents as an excuse. Sounds irrational I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Please what advice would you give me? Thank you.

First, you need professional help if you’re binging and puking (I assume you got autocorrected there). Whether you mean that you’re binging and purging your food or if you’re binging alcohol and vomiting, you need more help than I can give here.

What I can help with is in reassuring you that happiness is not a random state that just happens. It’s something we choose and build for ourselves. What’s so amazing about that is you don’t have to just sit and hope for it to happen. You can control it. You can make it for yourself. I think one of the hardest things to unlearn for people from toxic situations is that we don’t control our own lives.

I liken it to surviving a storm. You leaned to make yourself small. You learned to look for and respond to danger at all times. You learned to never let your guard down for a moment. And so it’s natural to think your happiness is tied to the wind.

But it’s not. You don’t have to hope and appease the wind. You can grow up and leave. You can choose to build a better life and to learn healthy coping mechanisms. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it takes time. But it is so so worth it.

Early 20s is when most mental illnesses peak. Statistically speaking, it only gets easier from here.

As soon as it’s financially possible, move out. Limit contact with toxic people. Look after you. Figure out what happiness looks like for you. Then make it. A little bit each day.

And to address your most heartbreaking question- of whether the problem was really you all along- I can promise you with 99.9% certainty that you aren’t. I’m likely closer in age to your parents than to you and let me promise you that there is nothing a child or teen can do that justifies cruelty or neglect. The adult is always responsible for their behavior.

But just to fully reassure you, let me promise that if you are the problem, you won’t heal or get better any more than if it wasn’t your fault by staying in a toxic environment. Even if in the 0.01-% case where you’re the toxic one, you can’t hope to change stuck where you are. I saw my aunt go through a mid life crisis that wasn’t cute. She became very cruel because she was miserable and while it’s correct to say she was the toxic one, she never would have changed for the better if she hadn’t left my uncle and my cousins and got her shit together far away. She also didn’t become that way in a vacuum.

But again, I am 99.9% confident you’re a perfectly lovely person with toxic parents. And no matter what you deserve a chance to be happy.

[funkymbtifiction]

I feel like sometimes I could be kidding myself when I call myself an ENFP. Like I’ll think I don’t have Ne because I enjoyed like being “in the moment” exercising today or some other ridiculous excuse. Like I can have the tendency to doubt my type and think of myself as a barrage of other types, but then you ask me to explain in detail and I’m like “umm…” like right now I’m Over thinking “why don’t I have Ne? [...] My question is what should I do about this doubt? Ik ur an ENFP 6w7, so can you help me out please? Distract myself with finding other Ne doms? Actually get my work done which probably won’t happen? Wallow into self doubt? Like I know there are things I could be doing, but my mind reverts back to MBTI and other things

Well, there's two things you will need to do, and neither one of them are easy, but the second one is harder so we'll start with the first. The first one is to recognize that all this re-envisioning yourself as other types and exploring it mentally is actually Ne doing its thing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, so you can tangibly go "lol, hey Ne, buddy! I see you're buzzing around the MBTI flower today! And if I were any other type, I wouldn't be doing this incessantly!" AKA, notice that your brain is doing this and correctly identify it as... ENP behaviors.

The second one is... study everything you can find about 6. And I mean go at it. I've probably read every Enneagram book, article, listened to most of the podcasts, etc., online that exist about my type in order to gather information about what my problem areas are, and now I am working steadily each day at dismantling them. The most blisteringly eye-opening discovery for me was Suzanne Stabile remarking on how those in the dependency stance (1, 2, 6) engage in chronic over-thinking, but how NONE OF IT IS PRODUCTIVE.

Let that sink in for a moment.

What happens when you spend 9 hours a day revisiting your type, reconsidering it, reexamining it?

Nothing. That's the point.

That thinking is not productive. It's not contributing anything to your life. It's not accomplishing anything. It's not solving problems for you. It's wallowing in the mire of "this actually doesn't even matter." You can choose to go down that slide into that slush pool and founder around (wasting all your mental time and energy in second-guessing, doubting your own conclusions, and seeking alternatives) ... or you can start rolling your eyes at your 6-ness and go "not today, Satan."

Why is this so hard? Because trying to stop an ENP 6w7's brain from going full speed is like throwing yourself in front of a hurricane and yelling stop. But... you can learn to dial back the obsessive over-thinking habits by, every time you start thinking about this, stopping and asking yourself, "What is this accomplishing for me? How is it benefiting me?" Because... it isn't. "What is mine to think about and do?" Other things. What would you RATHER be thinking about?

Deep down, fear is running this train, but even that fear is irrational. What if I get it wrong? What if I am wrong about myself? What if I misrepresent myself?

If so... nothing changes. You being an ENFP or not is nice to know, since you can use those strengths and work on your weaknesses, but no one outside of the MBTI community cares what you are (just how you interact with them) and it won't change anything about your life.

Turn that 6 brain around and instead of second-guessing being an ENFP, have it start noticing and thinking about how you are "doing" 6-ness with every reaction, every thought, every decision. Use it to self-observe and analyze and... to be honest, the transformation is pretty incredible. I won't lie to you and say that I never doubt my type or rethink it, because those old neural pathways I've burned deep into my mind (kind of like how your brain always travels the same trail of thought) are hard to resist, but I have grown SO MUCH as a 6 in the last five years since delving deep into self-awareness that I am far healthier (and much less annoying to those around me) now.

[dwightschrute]

Yesterday I got really upset about something and was ranting about it to my friend and I felt so fucking heated like it was 2 or 3 years ago when I was drinking and getting into fb fights and I haven’t felt that way at all since being sober and then she told me I needed to take it down and idk the fucking vibe changed and i felt like a burden and then I texted my only other friend basically and the vibe there was way off too and ik it’s probably not me and she has her own shot going on but holy fuck sometimes I’m like nah I don’t actually have BPD and then shit like this happens and I start hating my friends for not understanding me or for their energy shifting and I assume it’s about me and then I detach bc I don’t want them to hate me and leave me bc I can’t handle that and i was already feeling so alone and even tho I have my two friends who are great friends but they’re not like my best friends you know? Like liz and I are best friends and we know basically everything abt each other and have known each other since first grade, but she’s not like fully present, like in our friendship or in life in general. I love her carefree nature and I’m used to her being in her own little world but it feels isolating to be around her sometimes. Lots of times I guess. I never feel heard or listened to. I love her and I could go to her with anything but she doesn’t fully understand me and I don’t fully understand her. And Jenna is wonderful but she’s also 22 and married with a kid on the way out in fuckin New York and also she’s my dead boyfriends ex so like it’s not a perfect scenario lol. I love them both a lot. I know I’m being irrational thinking they don’t like me and are going to try and cut off ties with me. It fucking feels that way though and it’s exhausting. “You are not your emotions!” but they sure do know how to affect every portion of my life and make me feel fucking physically sick and like my chest is being ripped open. And over what?? Literally nothing has happened. I hate this shit bro. There is no doubt in my mind I have BPD after shit like this lol. I hate this shit I just want to not be so fucking mentally ill. God, a lil bit of generalized anxiety and depression? Sign me tf up bro bc this having 4+ mental illnesses is so exhausting. I’m fucking tired of myself lol

[skokepoke]

It’s always the characters I don’t vibe with that have the most passionate fans lol. Like, y’know, back in the day, when games came with the booklets? I liked looking through them, and we were getting the fire emblem games as they were coming out in North America, so, as I’m flipping through for art, I come across Soren, and I just thought he was the ugliest motherfucker. Now, I have a legitimate fear of feet. It’s irrational, but what can you do? I just think they’re so gross. So, he offended me further by SHOWING TOES! Like ??? 🤢

My reason for disliking Soren is very shallow, I know, but, like, it’s his fault for spooking me with toes. I decided then and there that I’d never use him and I didn’t. Not even in Radiant Dawn lol. And I just preferred using the girls because when I was little I thought that was so cool. The male characters have to be exceptional for me to be insane about them (regarding my very specific tastes, anyway [I’m totally going to pretend I was never insane about Dieck. That’s in the past, and I’m different now].).

We didn’t have internet access for a very long time, so imagine my shock at finding out Soren actually has a lot of fans. I didn’t even know he was the most popular ship choice for Ike. I’m an Elincia believer, my brother prefers Lethe, and my sisters like the Mia ship. When my sister finished her first play through, Ike left alone, and we thought that was fine. I had no idea that Ike debates could get so heated. But I’m also not the biggest Ike fan, so I don’t go out of my way to find Ike content. We had been living in our own bubble, and I kinda miss that lol.

So, yeah, I don’t have a good in-game reason to dislike Soren. It’s like he sent me unsolicited feet pics and I can’t let go of that. I always go out of my way to put shoes on characters if the choice is available. I also don’t like the Corrins for the same reason. At least I’m consistent tho.

[yuyu-bi]

i think i’m legitimately scared of authority lmao i find it so fascinating that some people can just pick up the phone and call these people w no qualms about it this is def smth i need to work on bc it’s not that i have debilitating anxiety about it but i’m just super paranoid about how i would come across when i call them like what if i dont sound a certain way lmaoooo

like in hindsight ik this is dumb and they probs will just answer just fine and probs wont even remember who i am afterwards but that’s the fun part about having *anxiety* :) you know smth is irrational but you can’t get yourself to overcome it anyways lmaooo i cry phone anxiety is real my guy 

[muppetmilf]

i just want to turn off adult worries and making doctor’s appointments and planning for college and. honestly being in pain for One Day and just relax like i’m gonna be honest with y’all i am so beyond tired

[evildnaa]

archiving thoughts

[avatardoggo]

and the award for the worlds biggest wuss wagon goes tooooooo *drum roll*

freaking me ofc