#every once in a while tumblr removes my most recent follows from my list n im like >:(

[goldiipond]

is. is tumblr doing that thing again

[sunnydaisy1]

Arts and Crafts

SAM WILSON X READER

A/N: there is not enough sam fics on tumblr so here I am. I haven’t edited this i am too tired for life right now. Also please send me requests for marvel especially peter parker, sam wilson, bucky, steve and scott.

You yawned as you walked into the main kitchen and living area the avengers shared. Tony had sent a message round to everyone telling them to gather here and considering that the time was 7 o'clock in the morning you weren't best pleased. Nat was leaning against one of the counters and snorted at your sleepy expression as you walked past her to the coffee machine. You glared at her and returned to your coffee making, rubbing your eyes as the machine started pouring caffeine into your mug. Once the steaming beverage was done, you sleepily dragged yourself to the breakfast bar and plopped down into one of the stools. At that moment, Steve, Sam and Bucky entered the room, obviously having just finished a group workout as they were all freshly showered and wafting man smell everywhere. You rolled your eyes at their annoyingly energetic selves and sipped your coffee. When Sam noticed your slumped form at the bar he smiled softly and walked over to you, scooting into the seat next to you and reaching out to take a sip of your coffee. Unfortunately for you, you were too late to prevent the smirking soldier from slurping a large proportion of your beverage. You grumbled and glared at Sam who passed you back your mug with a cheeky grin. "You look cheery this morning." He said, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning onto the counter. "Well sorry mr early bird but some of us don't appreciate being woken up at the crack of dawn for a meeting stark called and hasnt even turned up for yet." You snarked back, causing a chuckle to fall from Sam, "It's quarter past 7 love, dawn was 3 hours ago." You glared at him for what felt the 100th time that morning and felt a small heat rise to your face as you saw the obnoxiously handsome smirk Sam held on his face and the way his biceps were bulging as they leaned on the bar top. "Same thing." You mumbled, draining the last drops of your coffee. Tony walked in and Steve grumbled a 'finally' as you all turned your attention to the billionaire carrying some pastries. He dumped them in front of you and Sam and you both instantly reached in to pull out breakfast. "What's this all about then Stark?" Sam asked as he chewed on his pecan twist. "Ive gathered you all here because we have got a charity event today for some of the schools in the area. You all will be hosting an activity for the kids. We have 2 hours until they all arrive." You grimaced as you vaguely remembered Tony mentioning the charity event a few weeks back but you had been so busy on missions recently you had forgotten. Judging by the similar looks on the teams' faces around the room, you gathered that the event had also slipped their minds. "So... Steve and Bucky you will be hosting the self defense taster down in the gym, a few agents will also be down there to ensure you aren't teaching them anything too aggressive..." Tony continued to list off everyone in the room and ticked off his checklist, "Okay and finally, Wilson and Agent L/N will be hosting arts and crafts in the downstairs hall." At once Sam spoke up, "wait why have I got stuck with arts and crafts?" You chuckled at his distraught expression, he obviously thought he was above painting and colouring. "Why you scared of a lil glitter Sammy?" You giggled and he glared at you, hating the effect that nickname had on him. "No...I just think my talents lie elsewhere." He replied causing you to snort. "Well suck it up Wilson." Tony replied and you saw Bucky and Steve wetting themselves on the other side of the room. Sam had obviously noticed too as he had a huge frown on his face and was scowling at them. "Alright everybody go get ready, all your supplies should be in the rooms already. And remember, 2 hours until they arrive." You sighed and stood up, placing your mug in the dishwasher. Sam was waiting by the door, and you nudged him as you both walked out, "Come on Wilson, cheer up, your stuck with me for 6 hours." Sam groaned and rolled his eyes, "Oh great." When you both reached the room, your eyes widened when you looked at the large pile of boxes brimming with craft supplies stacked in the middle of the room. "Jeeezz." Sam breathed out, walking over to inspect the mountain. You both opened the cardboard box lids and scanned the supplies, "Where do we even start?" You asked, baffled at the amount Tony had ordered. "Guess we just start with one box and empty them until it's all set up." Sam replied and you nodded, tying your hair up into a ponytail. Almost 2 hours later, the room had been transformed into a neatly organised explosion with paint, pencils, glitter glue and many other supplies on each table. "Okay, we have 5 minutes until the kiddos arrive." Sam stated, checking the watch on his wrist. "Cool, I'm gonna grab us some water and snacks from the kitchen. Try not to break anything while I'm gone." You teased and Sam playfully rolled his eyes, "Alright." When you arrived back into the room, arms loaded with bags of snacks, you immediately laughed at how awkward Sam looked surrounded by little kids all badgering him with questions. You quickly distributed the food into one of the empty cardboard boxes in the corner and walked over to Sam, giggling at his wide eyed expression of fear. "Hey everyone!" You said loudly, gathering all the little kids attentions, "I'm Y/N and this is Sam. We are gonna be doing arts and crafts with you today, how does that sound?" At once all the children cheered and you glanced at Sam who stood in awe and fear. "Okay then, lets all sit down at a table and we can start." The kids all ran to a chair and you walked over to Sam, "you okay Sammy?" He nodded slowly, "I don't know what I'm meant to do, they're so small." You chuckled and took his hand in yours, dragging him over to a table. "It'll be fine just relax, they can smell fear," You whispered. Soon, each child was creating some sort of masterpiece and you were sitting with a small group of kids who were colouring. "Wow Amy I love your dog it looks awesome." You commented, making the shy little girl beam. "Thankyou." She replied and you smiled, carrying on colouring a picture you had attempted to draw of an elephant. Glancing up to check on Sam, you looked to see he had a girl sat on his thigh as they both coloured something. You felt your heart begin to swell and butterflies fill your stomach as you watched the adorable scene. The girl was happily chatting away to Sam and he was nodding, laughing every so often and replying to many of the kids around the table. "Could you please pass me the green?" Tom asked, one of the boys sitting opposite Sam. "Yep, there you go." the soldier replied and Tom thanked him before returning to his drawing. The little girl sat on Sam's thigh tapped his arm and he looked down to her, "I want to give this to my Mum when I go home." Gracie said and Sam nodded, "that's very nice of you." Gracie blushed a little and grinned, "you should give your drawing to Y/N, then she could put it on her fridge like my mummy does." Sam glanced down at the image Gracie had drawn of Sam and you together that he was colouring. "I don't know about that..." He said and Gracie frowned, "you should give it to her and then she'll want to marry you and stick all your drawings on the fridge." Sam choked on his air a little, "why would she want to marry me because I gave her our picture?" Gracie sighed as if Sam had just asked the most obvious question there was, "because she loves you." "What? No she doesn't Gracie." Sam replied and Gracie shook her head, "Mummy told me when people love each other very much they look at each other in a special way and you and Y/N look at each other like that." Sam gaped at the little smiling girl on his lap and struggled to form any words at how outright she was being, "Oh urh no I dont think so." Gracie then giggled and said, "Plus Y/N was looking at your bum earlier so she definitely wants to marry you." Sam felt heat rise to his face and Gracie shrugged, not phased at all by their conversation. The pair continued to colour together and the topic quickly changed to the pasta Gracie had eaten last night for dinner. When the last few kids were leaving the craft room as it had eventually reached 3pm, you sighed and groaned at the mess of glitter and pens all around you. "I do not want to clear this up." You stated and Sam nodded, standing up from his chair, "Neither, I never knew kids could be this messy." You chuckled and glanced at the soldier walking towards you, instantly breaking out into laughter when you noticed the large red streak of paint across his cheek. At once Sam frowned and stopped next to you, "What?" You giggled and wiped your thumb across his cheek, showing him the red paint he had somehow managed to acquire. "Oh..." Sam said, rubbing the paint with the back of his hand but managing to just smudge it more. You chuckled and shook your head, "Sorry Sammy but your just making it worse." He huffed in frustration and put his hand down, giving up with cleaning his face, "Oh well, I'll wash it off later." Eventually, the room was turned back into a presentable state with only specks of glitter littered across the floor that you knew would be impossible to remove. You yawned and walked to the entrance, followed closely by Sam who turned the light off. "Im exhuasted." He said, trying to stifle a yawn. "Me too, I'm gonna head up for a shower." You replied and Sam nodded, "Alright, I'll see you later, chinese for dinner." You softly smiled and both walked to your seperate rooms, ready to wash off the paint and glitter encrusted into your skin. When you had given up on trying to remove all the glitter from your hair in the shower, you headed into your room and huddled under your duvet, wanting to catch up on some netflix before dinner. A knock at the door interrupted your series selection and you looked up to see Sam standing at your door, a small smile on his face. "Hey y/n." He said, closing the door behind him. "Hey Sammy, did you need anything?" You asked, confused why he looked so nervous. "Oh uh no, I just wanted to give you something." He replied, walking closer to you as you stood up and put your laptop on your cabinet. "Oh okay." You said, smiling under Sam's soft gaze. He handed you a sheet of paper and you frowned in confusion before turning it over and giggling. Sam rubbed the back of his neck nervously watching your eyes scan the drawing Gracie and him had made. "I know its stupid but I wanted you to have it." Sam said quietly and you looked up at his shy smile, "I love it." You grinned and he seemed to let out a breath of relief, "you can stick it on your fridge." You chuckled and rubbed your thumb over the drawing of you and sam standing together. "Thanks Sammy." The aforementioned soldier felt heat rise to his face and saw your eyes flick down to his lips. "Uh I should probably find Nat... see what she urm wants for dinner." You said awkwardly, trying not to focus on the way Sam was chewing his lip and the tight grey shirt he was wearing that unfairly showed off his chiselled chest and arms. "Oh right." Sam nodded, seeming to break out of a trance and opened your door, "I'll uh see you later yeah?" You nodded and he stepped out, looking at you one last time and giving you a small smile before disappearing down the corridor. You looked down at the drawing in your hand again and groaned, heart and muscles aching for you to run after the tall man and press your lips against his. Instead, you shut you door and walked to Nats room. When you knocked on her door, the red haired agent opened it with a knowing smirk on her face. "What's Wilson done now?" She asked and you groaned, stepping in to her room. You held out the drawing he gave you and Nat scanned it quickly before looking up at you in confusion. "Why have you got a drawing of you and Sam?" She asked, frowning. "He gave it to me." You sighed, causing Nat to laugh. "He gave it to you?" You nodded and Nat grinned, "wow he is so in love with you." You rolled your eyes at her sarcasm, "Wow thanks Nat. But seriously how am I meant to refrain from jumping his ass when he keeps doing adorable stuff like this?" Nat laughed and handed you back the paper, "You just need to go and tell him or you'll spend the rest of your lives dancing around each other and not doing anything about it." You sighed, "I know. But what if he doesnt like me back then I've just screwed up our friendship and the team dynamic." Nat nodded sympathetically, "I know it's scary but come on that man loves you to death and somehow everyone but you can see it." You looked down at the drawing again and nodded, "Fine, but if i end up dying on the spot from embarrassment after his rejection I'm blaming you." Nat rolled her eyes and pushed you out the door, shouting a 'good luck.' You nervously walked down the corridor and up the short staircase to the kitchen. Sam was leaning against the table, looking at something on his phone with a frown. Your heart instantly sped up and stomach did a hundred flips. You walked softly into the shared dining area and coughed lightly. At once, Sam looked up and smiled. "Urm I uh need to tell you something." You nervously stuttered, avoiding looking into his deep eyes. "Oh okay." Sam said, mind instantly running with negative ideas that you were hurt or he had done something wrong. "I urm well I... I think that you're urm." You looked up at him and his concerned eyes met yours. "Please could you uh turn around." Sam's face flitted with confusion, "wait what?" "I urm I cant talk with you looking at me like that." You said and Sam frowned but turned around. "Okay." He softly said, and you scanned his form, trying to build up the courage to tell him. "I guess I well I just want to say that I think you're the most lovely person in the world and I dont think that I could live without you Sam. You make me feel so comfortable and calm me down when I feel like the world is collapsing on me. You never fail to make me smile and I feel like the room lights up when you walk in. I love how kind and sweet you are to everyone but also how you make the stupidest jokes in the world and laugh your head off. I'm in love with you Sam and want to spend the rest of my life with you." You looked up to see Sam turning around to face you. You couldnt bear to meet his eye, knowing any possible friendship was now gone. A soft hand touched your cheek and lifted your head up, making your teary gaze meet his. "I'm in love with you too Y/N and I never want to leave your side." Sam pressed his lips against yours softly, making your heart stutter with happiness. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed your body against his, deepening the kiss as his hands squeezed your hips tightly. "Hey sam whens the chinese.... oh." Bucky said, his voice trailing off when he saw his best friend passionately kissing you. He wolf-whistled and chuckled, "Took you guys long enough." Sam broke apart from your lips, resting his forehead against yours, "Fuck off Buck." Bucky sniggered and walked out the kitchen again, hand raised in surrender. You opened your eyes to see Sam looking at you, "I love you." You spoke softly, "I love you too" before pressing your lips against his again and smiling into the kiss.

[howtodisassembleyourdeviant]

Be My Garden of Eden Ch.3

I kinda screwed up. I didn't realize it, but I ended the last chapter too early, so this is more like ch. 2.5, but I'll just post it as it's own and call it good. I'm still new to Tumblr, and I have to use my phone, so if the format keeps changing or I do weird things, it's because I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!!!

.....

He didn't want to disturb you, so he left, moving to the couch. Turning on the tv, he flipped through the channels, ensuring the volume was low. A cooking show popped up and he paused. An older woman promoting independence from androids giving step by step instructions on how to make crepes. He watched with rapt attention, the end result looks quite beautiful. It seemed simple enough.

An idea occurred to him. He moved to the kitchen, forming a list of ingredients he would need. He was... Giddy. He had never cooked before. It wasn't a program required for a sex android, particularly one from such a low-grade shack as Mimosa. He was happy to discover you were fully stocked, quickly finding all the items and tools he would require.

You awoke the next morning, a jarring sound waking you. Jumping up, you almost ran out without a top on, rushing to throw on your robe.

"Connor? Are you alright?" You looked around the living room, seeing no sign of the android. Hearing another banging sound, you rounded to the kitchen, peeking inside.

"Wow." You gaped. Your kitchen was an absolute mess. What looked like pancake batter was splattered everywhere, a large puddle on the floor, and from the skidmark in it, you'd guess the sound that woke you up was Connor falling. You could see the scorchmark around one of the burners, baking soda adding to the mess on the floor and counters. Good to know you could have burned to death in your sleep. The pan in question lay abandoned in the sink, doused in the white powder and still smoking a bit.

Connor stood by the stove, just as messy as your kitchen, batter all down the right side of his jeans. Guilt made him look far too much like a kicked puppy, head down with his doe-eyes staring up at you through his long lashes. Next to him was a plate of crepes, in various states, some looked undercooked, while others were completely burnt. The best looking ones were on a separate plate, topped with strawberries and whipped cream.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll-"

"Looks tasty," you giggled. His eyes shifted up, "did you make it for me?" You gestured to the plate.

"Uh, y-yes, I did," stammering, he handed you the plate.

"Thank you," you grabbed a fork and moved to the small breakfast nook. He watched with bated breath as you took your first bite. He relaxed when you hummed happily.

"This is really good, thank you, Con!" You really were surprised, considering the mess. His cheeks tinted a light shade of blue. Was he... Is that how androids blush? It looks absolutely adorable on him.

"I'm happy you enjoy it," he beamed, solidifying his puppy appearance in your mind. If he had a tail, it'd be wagging. You're not sure what you're enjoying more, the food or the sight of the delighted android. It's definitely a great way to wake up in the morning.

You couldn't help but wonder if this is how couples felt in the company of their lover, but you quickly stopped that train of thought. He's not staying. You can't afford for him to stay, and even if you could, he would go to Canada to start a new life. Without you. Still, it's nice to dream.

You ate while he cleaned the mess. you offered to take over from there, since he did cook for you, but he adamantly denied. Letting you clean would completely undo what he was trying to do. Not to mention, he was certain that, at your height, you would not be able to reach the splatters on the roof. You laughed when you noticed. How did he even manage that?

"You might want to clean yourself up as well," you jested, trying not to laugh at how the crepe mix kept dripping from his hair onto anything he was cleaning. he glanced down at himself, seeming to have just noticed how filthy he was, grimacing. The showers at the club were more identical to high-pressure decontamination chambers and lately it's been bothering his synthetic skin. He tries not to be in there any longer than necessary, but this might take longer to remove. When he just stood there, you sighed.

"Come on, there's still a couple hours left," you dragged him to the shower, "just leave your clothes outside the door. Hope you don't mind my girly soaps," you chuckled as you shut the door.

He stood, baffled for a moment, before he scanned the bathroom. He often wondered if the other androids felt the need to scan a room every time they entered one, or if it was none of their concern. Still, he took in the multicolored bottles of various bathroom supplies, noting nothing of significance.

He began to strip, realizing he could see himself in the mirror. He looked over his body, seeing the many imperfections along his skin. They were healed as well as they could be, but there were still marks, synthetic skin raised in a similar way to scar tissue, but tinted in a way that hid them well, at least, until they were touched. The most recent one, a strike to his hip, was still healing, the white chassis visible. Tentatively, he touched it, flinching away from his own fingers as a jolt of unpleasant tingles shot out from the wound. Pain. Why could he feel pain? He tore his attention away from it, pushing his fear away. He can't think about it now. It was too… real. He can't make it real.

Connor turned his attention to his face, bringing up the memory of your painting. He looked similar to the man, but where the man's eyes held a sense of serenity, his own looked empty, devoid of something. How could you see anything in such a vacant stare?

Looking at himself, he finds, is ruining the illusion. He was making things real when all he wants to do is pretend that this was his life. That there was no outside world. No Club Mimosa. No humans using him as a sex toy. No owner beating him. Just him and you, watching cartoons. He turned away from the mirror.

Just him and you.

When he exited the shower, smelling wholly of you, something he quite enjoyed, he realized he had no clothes. You had taken them to be washed after he left them outside of the bathroom. He tried knocking on the door, but you didn't answer. You were a modest person, so he figured you would not appreciate him walking out naked. He took a towel, noting its small size, and wrapped it around his waist before walking out. After a quick search, he found you rummaging around your closet.

"Y/n?" You jumped.

"Shit! I didn't hear you…" your voice trailed off as you twirled to look at him, coming face to face with six-foot of dripping android, muscular chest bare for the world to see. Your cheeks flared and your mouth suddenly felt parched. You turned away, returning to your search. Connor would be lying if he said he didn't like how flustered you looked.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine," your voice was a tad jittery.

After a moment, you called "Ah-Haa!" Holding up a large pair of sweatpants, far too large for yourself.

"Some of my last roommate's clothes were thrown in one of my moving boxes. They should fit you, at least until your clothes are done in the wash." You tossed him the sweats and a sweater you had already placed on the side, finally emerging from the closet. "You go ahead and get dressed, I gotta make a phone call." He nodded, watching as your cheeks flushed again while you made your exit.

The material was soft on his skin, and he didn't feel constricted as he had in his android labeled clothes. The sweater was quite large on him, but he liked it, how it hung off him, burying him in its softness. The odd stripes on it were rather jarring, but the individual pigments are pleasant.

"…later on tonight. Thanks." You hung up the phone. "Well, I can't afford another night, but you don't have to go running off once your clothes are done." He smiled. Just a little longer. He doesn't have to break the illusion just yet.

"Thank you," it was all he could think to say, but it didn't come anywhere close to how much he truly appreciated what you were doing for him.

"It's no problem. I wish I could offer you better," the last sentence was said under your breath as you looked away, towards the window. "Wanna see the fish? I forgot to feed them yesterday, so they must be quite hungry."

He wanted to tell you how much this time with you meant to him. Every moment cherished. If he had to suffer a thousand beatings just to get one more minute with you, it would be worth it. You made him feel different. You made him feel…

Alive.

But, even as the words burned his tongue in their desperation to leave his lips, he only smiled, following you to the backyard.

The afternoon was spent enjoying the early autumn sun, watching the brightly colored fish, dashing to their meal, or simply floating along, letting the food come to them. There were even a couple of turtles, sunning themselves on the rocks. It was tranquil, like a dream.

And like all dreams, he had to wake up sometime.

The setting sun marked his time to leave, exchanging the comfort of your sweater for his stiff android uniform. You gave him a pouch of thirium, figuring he could find a way to hide it, before hugging him. You held on so tightly, hands clinging to him harder than the last time. He held on for as long as he could before breaking away, feeling an ache in his chest.

[seenashwrite]

Cards Against Supernatural: Thursday August 1st

◄ THURSDAY AUGUST 1st, 8:00/8:15 P.M.-ish* CST ►

(* As always, this is not precisely when the game starts - we take a little time for everybody to get logged in & settled in chat, so feel free to come & hang out at Discord while you wait!)

.

If you see this? You’re invited. ALL SPN Family members who are at least 18 years & older are welcome!

💡 IF THIS WILL BE YOUR FIRST GAME WITH US, YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE IT’S GONNA BE YOUR JAM & VISIT CASPN HEADQUARTERS 💡

—> This is a mobile-friendly page and contains tons of need-to-knows —> This is NON-NEGOTIABLE FOR NEW PLAYERS

.

🌟 Post with link will go up closer to start of game 🌟

—> Make sure you are ready to go at Discord prior to game time so all you have to do is click-n’-chat! —> At the game site and on Discord (if you do not already have one), make sure you use your Tumblr name or a variation thereof so we know who you are - this prevents unnecessary confusion. 😁

.

🃏 Find out ways you can contribute to the decks, the most recent CASPN updates, quick tips for players, & how to join the tag list below 🃏

YOU CAN HELP MAKE THIS GAME BETTER!

Anytime you spot a great quote - and it will probably be on a gif! - that you think may work as a question/answer, shoot it my way and I’ll see if I can work it in.

Please include the season & episode number so I know which deck to put it in. FYI: We do not need any from seasons 3, 5, or 6 - those decks are complete or near completion.

.

UPDATES

* All kinds of new chat spaces over at the Discord, be sure to check ‘em out!

* The preference for Voice Chat is to utilize the Push-To-Talk feature. Directions on how to do this are located in the chat room “Nash Says”, which you will be able to access once you are invited to Discord. Until then, kindly remember to mute yourself manually when you aren’t speaking if there is background noise on your end/you need to speak to someone on your end.

* If you are in voice chat just so you can listen because you can’t/don’t choose to read aloud, that of course is fine, but you need to have yourself muted, please, and communicate via text chat that you need myself or someone else to read your hand.

.

TIPS & TRICKS FOR IN-GAME FAQs

(A kind reminder: most everything I/veteran players are asked in chat during games is covered at CASPN Headquarters)

Should your mic go out/no one can hear you in Discord, same thing applies as it does when you get duplicate cards/can’t choose a card over in the game - REFRESH! If disconnecting from voice chat then rejoining doesn’t help, just refresh the browser page for Discord, and give it a second, and it should remedy itself.

.

🏷️ Tag Me In The Future, Nash! 🏷️

TO BE TAGGED, YOU *MUST* SEND AN ASK! I will not tag you any other way, nor will I tag you if you’ve never played with us before. Them’s the breaks.

I AM UNABLE TO TAG ON THE DAY OF GAMES, suggest you look out for the post, come try the game on for size & if you enjoy it, kindly send an ask stating you’d like to be tagged after you know you like it & are able to participate in future games

IF YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR NAME, it is YOUR responsibility to send me an ask - I will not track you down or assume you want to stay tagged

FOR THOSE WITH SETTINGS THAT PREVENT TAGGING, you do not have to follow me in order to participate, however I will not follow you just so I can tag you - I am following some CASPN players, however it is only when I find their content of interest or I was already following them prior to the original deck’s conception -  if you want to be in the know about the game dates/times, I suggest you (a) follow me and/or #CASPN which is unique to the weekly games I run, or (b) make a side blog with standard settings that is purely for the purpose of being on this tag list (ex: “CASPN-[your handle])

Tag team, back again…

@salt-n-burn-em-all @abbessolute @ohio-cnk-80q3 @a-screaming-ghost @ericaprice2008 @butiaintgonnaloveem @idreamofhazel @winchesterprincessbride @bemyqueenofdarkness @revwinchester @mlpunite

.

* The Cannot Tags! *

It either (1) looks like the blog under this name is inactive, (2) you’ve changed your name and not told me, or (3) there’s a setting on YOUR end that prevents it.

- None presently -

.

NOTE: THE LIST HAS BEEN PURGED AS OF JULY ‘19

.

❓ WHY AM I NOT TAGGED? you may ask ❓

Reminder: I’m taking roll at games so I can keep up maintenance on the tag list - if you aren’t participating often [read: approx. every 6 wks/6 games] & you haven’t let me know to move you to my “Hiatus” list, then you won’t be tagged on posts, but I’ll keep you on the CASPN tags page, listed at the bottom under the time frame you were removed.

It is possible I made a mistake if I get busy and neglect to c/p the roster frequently throughout the game - all you have to do is speak up. The biggest issue I have with keeping up is when you use some rando name in game that neither I nor any of the other players recognize. If you want to stay on the tags, you need to use a name I’ll know. Otherwise, I couldn’t care less, call yourself whatever strikes your fancy! :)

Want to be back on “active” status?  Want to be removed altogether? No problem! Kindly communicate your wishes with me via Ask.

[umbraastaff]

I Saw Seven Bounties

CHAPTER 9: THE DEAL II: FACES

[first] [prev] [next] [recent]

[Ao3]

[Thank you to fivebrights (AO3/Tumblr) for beta reading!]

***

Barry keeps picking through the abandoned buildings, flipping through his notebook, and being generally weird. Kravitz watches with mild interest, trying to understand why he keeps a pair of work gloves but leaves the boots, why he clicks every pen to decide whether to take it without ever testing the writability. Maybe his notebook is actually a shopping--er, scavenging--list.

While the lich is trying hard to open a crate without going overboard with the force used, Kravitz speaks up. “It’s, er, been nearly an hour, now. Have you made any progress towards the bell?”

“Oh, shoot!” Barry waves a hand with a spell gesture Kravitz doesn’t recognize. “I-I got distracted. Didn’t mean to, uh, t-to make you wait.”

Kravitz just shrugs. “It’s only one day; I’ll survive a little boredom.” Especially if he gets Barry’s soul at the end of it. He almost regrets reminding Barry of the objective, but he isn’t one to play dirty. “What was that spell, just now?”

“Huh? O-Oh, uh, this?” Barry repeats the hand movement, and Kravitz nods. “It’s just Timer, a-a cantrip. I did the--I set it for, uh, twenty-three hours.”

The reaper tilts his head. “Odd. I don’t imagine myself to be out of touch with modern magic, but I don’t think I’ve heard of it.”

“Really? I wouldn’t--I mean, it’s not very new, but…” he thinks for a moment. “Oh, oh, shoot! Right. It’s not f-from around here. It’s… I think we made that one, actually.”

“You… make spells?” Kravitz makes a mental note to add another goddamn discipline to Barry Bluejeans’ ever-growing list of masteries.

“Oh, I mean…” Barry twiddles his thumbs. “N-Not well enough to have--to make a job of it, or a-anything. Just, uh, some little spells t-to fill niches. It’s fun to figure them out.”

“Impressive.” Kravitz means it.

Barry looks surprised. “I-I mean, it’s just a cantrip. You could even--I can teach it to you, uh, if you’d like. If you can do wizard spells…?”

“I’m afraid what magic I have that isn’t granted by the Raven Queen is done through music.”

“Oh, bardic magic?” Barry brightens up. “I used to--I’ve dabbled in that. Maybe I can figure something out for it. I-I’ll get back to you.”

“Alright, then,” Kravitz says skeptically. Barry can do plenty of things, but he wonders how much skill the lich has in music.

Barry scribbles something else in his notebook--a reminder, perhaps--and then snaps it shut. “O-Okay! So! First place I’m checking is, uh, just a bit east of Neverwinter. I found--I got wind of some, uh, questionable activities there.”

“Well, I doubt you’ll do well with my method of teleportation, and I’m not letting you port me,” Kravitz says, “So how about we just meet at the east gate?”

Barry gives him a thumbs up and vanishes in a flash of red light. Kravitz sighs, draws his scythe, and presses it into the space between planes. He dips briefly into the Astral Plane before pulling back into the Material, just in time to see a flash of red lightning at the east gate of Neverwinter, coalescing into the brightly-colored silhouette of Barry Bluejeans.

Barry’s face is halfway skeletal when he appears, but his illusory skin is already rapidly regenerating. Whatever illusion he’s using must operate similarly to a ‘concentration’ spell, or else his teleportation wouldn’t interrupt it.

“I don’t see why you don’t just use Disguise Self,” Kravitz remarks as Barry leads him away from the city. “Seems like it would be easier.”

Barry raises an eyebrow. “I--Well, it doesn’t really--I mean, d-do you use Disguise Self for your face--your body? Does that work?” He sounds skeptical, but the question is genuine enough.

“No,” Kravitz admits. “The Raven Queen grants me the power for this form, among other things. It isn’t a spell with a name. But you… Well, it just seems overly complicated for you to use some other magic when Disguise Self is such a simple spell.”

“Hm… Here, I-I’ll just show you how the--show you what Disguise Self does.” Barry snaps his fingers, and a ripple of magic crosses his face. His expression abruptly turns rigid and neutral, eyes staring emptily into space. When he speaks again, his mouth doesn’t move.

“This spell m-maps the body’s movements--links them to the illusion. Which is also why y-you can only look like creatures with the same, uh, same basic form. So, actual movements w-work fine,” he wiggles his fingers to demonstrate, “but my face is j-just a skull. There isn’t any--there’s no movement to take hold of for the spell.”

“I see,” Kravitz says, nodding. “That must be why so few liches put on faces.”

Barry laughs a little as he snaps his fingers again, restoring the proper illusion to his face. “I mean… th-the skull face also adds to the, uh, the edgy aesthetic.”

“Of course,” Kravitz rolls his eyes. “A mockery of the symbols of the Raven Queen’s domain, for nothing but a little spookiness.”

“O-Oh, come on,” Barry crosses his arms. “She may have reign over when people die, b-but the right to be--to mock the concept of death, that’s--I’d say it belongs to people who actually will die.” He hesitates. “And... in a sense, have died.”

“Oh? And how do you expect to die, Barry, with your soul modified so?”

“You, obviously.” Barry gives Kravitz a flat look. “Eventually. B-But even without that, really, a lich is just a s-spliced up version of something mortal. Y-You can’t act like any of us would last as long as a god. I-I’d fade long before the-the entire concept of death fades as a godly domain.”

Kravitz blinks. He has no response to that; he’s used to liches acting as though they’ll last for an eternity. Instead, after a bit of a pause, he says, “Hmm. You said the Bell is out here?”

“Ah, yeah,” Barry perks up again. “Phoebe lives near here. Sh-she’s… If she has it, she’d probably b-be making really good use of it. In-in a bad way.”

“Phoebe…?”

“Uh, Phoebe Tipper?” Barry says, but Kravitz stays confused. “She’s been cycling souls in and out of th-the Astral Plane f-for--for years, almost weekly.”

Kravitz squints. That does sound vaguely familiar. “Dead Ends?”

“That’s--Oh, yeah. That’s her... business name, I-I guess? Pretty d-dramatic, right?”

“You know where Dead Ends lives?”

“I, uh. I know where a lot of people live,” Barry says, picking through the increasingly-dense trees and brush, “On account of not t-trying to, uh, murder them.”

Kravitz keeps following him. If this isn’t a ruse, then this whole deal might not end up a waste after all. Dead Ends doesn’t really fit the bill for who they think was in possession of the Animus Bell, but she’ll be quite a catch even without it.

Eventually, Barry stops and peers through the trees. “There’s Phoebe’s place. C-can you see it?”

Kravitz leans near Barry to follow his apparent line of sight, but he can’t see anything besides regular forest. And he can’t sense any other necrotic energy, either. “Not with your lich magic stuffing up my senses.”

Barry laughs a little. “M-My bad. It’s p-probably boxed, too, though.”

“Boxed?”

“O-Oh, slang, sorry. It means, uh, there’s a shield k-keeping radiant energy out, like agents of gods. You. I can get rid of it, though.”

“So… you’re able to remove it? And you’re willing to remove it?”

“Yep,” Barry says, and although Kravitz leaves the space for it, he offers no further explanation. Instead, his hands start moving in a practiced pattern, with bones showing through the illusory skin every time he makes a quicker motion. Kravitz can feel the energy as he cuts through the air, and he takes a step back to give it room.

Once he’s done, the lich points through the trees again. “S-See it now?”

The area looks blurry, now. Kravitz blinks hard a few times, and it clarifies into a house, as though it had been there the entire time. It blends in well with the forest, sure, but it’s not exactly missable. “Wow.”

“Yeah, p-pretty impressive how she stretched th-that spell over the entire house,”

Kravitz nods, still staring at the building. It’s half taken over by the plants and vines around it, and he has to wonder if that was intentionally invoked by magic, or if the house really is that ancient.

“Okay, w-well, she probably does--probably checks security, uh, regularly, so… N-Now or never.” He’s twitching, just slightly, in that way he does when he’s having strong feelings.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m--yeah.” It comes out tense.

Kravitz starts to take a step forward, but hesitates again. “Barry. This isn’t… you’re not trying to trick me, are you?” His eyes widen as he realizes. “If I leave your side, it could technically be in violation of our contract…”

Barry looks genuinely surprised. “Uh, I-I guess? I wasn’t--I didn’t mean to trick you, though. I’m telling you where I th-think the Bell is. Of course you need to--need time to check it out. I mean…” he shrugs. “If you don’t go, a-and it turns out the Bell was there, then--then you’d be breaking the terms, right?”

Kravitz frowns. “I suppose…”

“Look, th-the whole contract got way--absurdly contrived. I-I promise you I’m not trying to pull one over on ya.”

Kravitz takes a long look at his face, which is decidedly less twitchy, and nods. “As much as I hate to admit it, I trust you, to this small extent.” He looks back towards the house, ignoring a glimpse of Barry’s face brightening up.

He surveys the house carefully as he steps between the trees. Staying on the side that their shadows are pointed, he’s nearly invisible. He sheds his skin and wills his steps silent, approaching the front door.

Kravitz sinks into darkness and slips under the front door, feeling the sickening aura of necrotic energy intensifying every second. He can’t feel any wards, though, and most skilled evildoers have them aplenty; Barry must have really been thorough with dismantling them. He stands up inside the house and looks around.

It’s a nice place, if a little cluttered and a lot evil. Candles and chalk line the shelves alongside more conspicuous ritual supplies. Magical artifacts are among them, but he doesn’t feel the power of a grand relic within this home. He does, however, feel the presence of a soul that’s been on his bounty list for a few months now.

Surprisingly, following the presence takes him away from the passive necrotic magic in the basement--she must be making bodies. He heads up the stairs and down a hall, ignoring the few framed photos along the walls. They aren’t his business, and would only serve to make this difficult. Finally, slowly, Kravitz turns the doorknob that he knows his target is waiting behind. He has the advantage here.

So of course he’s startled when he’s tackled the instant he opens the door. She dodges his alarmed scythe swing and his back hits the ground. Phoebe is barely recognizable as human, but up close, Kravitz can see that she’s made of human pieces. There are too many eyes and arms in all the wrong places, but they’re all human. And so is her soul: a hellish amalgam of other humans’ lives, stolen from the Astral Plane for her own power. He’d be impressed if he wasn’t disgusted.

Kravitz kicks her off with an undignified yelp, feeling soul magic turned abrasive burning him where they made contact. Jumping up, he extends his power through the room, turning the dim atmosphere to darkness and willing it to encroach on the monstrous figure. Wisely, she backs up towards the lightest part of the room: the window.

“Phoebe Tipper,” Kravitz says, voice thick with his work accent, “You’ve been a tricky one, ‘aven’t ya?”

Phoebe shakily looks out the window, then back to Kravitz. Instead of panic, he sees a grin made of far too many teeth. “Reaper,” she rasps in several voices at once, “You’re outnumbered.” And then she kicks off from the floor and crashes through the second-story window.

Kravitz rushes forward and looks through the shattered glass. The monster is rushing down the path in front of the house, towards a hooded figure clad in bright red. He’s waving to Phoebe, beckoning her.

Kravitz curses--Barry, Phoebe, his own foolishness. Why would Barry do this? Why give him someone’s location only to save her? Did Barry suddenly realize she didn’t have the Bell, and decide to sabotage him? Is this a trap?

He leaps out the window anyway, breaking his fall on soft shadows and running towards his runaway catch, though he’s sure Barry will have her gone within seconds.

Surprise slows Kravitz down when he gets close enough to see Barry meeting his eyes, giving him a strange look. The hand he’s waving with abruptly clenches into a fist, and there’s a bolt of red lightning that shoots up from the ground and overtakes Phoebe. She collapses, stunned but not dead, and screeches profane curses of traitorousness.

Kravitz stops altogether. Barry looks at him. “H-Hey, uh, are you gonna do your job? I c--I can’t hold this for long--”

Snapping out of it, Kravitz crosses the remaining distance with a few short strides. Barry steps back as he pulls out his scythe, tearing Phoebe’s many souls out of this Plane with a clean slice. It’s the easiest that’s been in a while.

Then he stares at Barry. “I didn’t expect you to actively help.”

“Oh, c-come on,” Barry says. “She--she killed people! A-And used their--she took their souls and powered herself with innocent--used people who weren’t even willing, and even if th-they were, I’d question it--”

“So you do have morals,” Kravitz says, with half-feigned surprise.

Barry isn’t amused. “I don’t kill people, Kravitz! I just--the only soul I’ve e-ever tampered with is mine, a-and I really--I only use bodies that are already dead, wh-when I need to.”

“Shame,” Kravitz rolls his eyes. “If you had just stayed away from your soul, I wouldn’t have had to hunt you.”

“A-And we wouldn’t have met,” Barry shrugs. “You don’t--I mean, you’re a pretty okay guy when yo-you’re not trying to kill me.”

Before Kravitz can respond, Barry continues, “So is the Animus Bell in there?”

“Ah, no. Can’t feel anything on par with Grand Relic power here.”

“That’s too bad,” Barry says, in a tone that leans towards sympathy. As though he’s more bummed out for Kravitz’s sake than his own. He pulls out his notebook again and starts flipping through it.

“I wonder what gave them so much power,” Kravitz says idly.

“They’re m-made of the same thing--same stuff that made the omniverse,” Barry says without missing a beat. “The, uh, inspiration for o-our existence, in an… abstract sense. That’s why, uh, why they have--why people want to use ‘em so bad.”

“What? What makes you so sure?”

Barry doesn’t appear to have heard him, and instead says, “So, hey, w-where’s the line? I mean, on what’s… unacceptable? Liches are bad, Phoebe’s body-hopping is bad, but you--I could’ve sworn that-that you said zombies are fine, before.”

“Right,” Kravitz says. “Animated corpses--zombies, as you say--have no soul. They are, I would say, disrespectful to the dead, but not illegal. They don’t disrupt the balance of life and death. But, well, moving your soul--or others’ souls--out of your body, modifying them, or stealing them from the Astral Plane… any of those things serve to extend a life beyond its natural course. It creates an imbalance.”

“But we all--everything dies anyway, though, right? Even liches w-would decay eventually. Who cares if I’m around a little longer?”

Kravitz sighs. “The balance of the world isn’t just about death, it’s about the natural order of fate. Fate is married to Death, and altering either can mess with the process of the other. You know, the same reason time travel is generally considered to be extremely dangerous.”

“For the sake o-of conversation, and, uh, a little curiosity,” Barry says, “What d-does it--what exactly does it mess up? What does balance being out of whack a-actually do?”

“It’s…” Kravitz falters briefly. “It isn’t mortal business, Barry. Not our business. It has to do with my superior’s work, not my own.”

“She isn’t…” Barry frowns. “Well, nevermind.”

“Oh, no, I’d like to hear this.”

“It wouldn’t be good of m-me to… I mean, I don’t know a whole l-lot about her. But I-I do know that gods, i-in a, uh, strictly general sense, a-aren’t infallible,” Barry says, choosing his words delicately, without even the decency to sound arrogant. “But I shouldn’t… it’s n-not my place to say.”

There’s a hint of a wry laugh in his voice as he adds, “I-I can’t justifiably c-comment on the, uh, the balance of this world when we d-did such a big--” he freezes. “Uh, I mean, when I’m a lich! Th-the source of, er, th-that sort of imbalance.”

Kravitz starts to respond, but Barry continues before he can. “And the Raven Queen did l-let me channel her m-magic to save you, i-instead of taking the opportunity to, uh, smite me, or something? So that was pretty good. From my semi-mortal perspective, at least.”

Kravitz frowns, indignant arguments and confused questions melting from his mind in favor of startlement. “You did what?”

“You d-don’t remember…?” Barry looks surprised, too. “Uh, it was on that train, a bit o-over a year ago? When you did a--when you beefed it hitting the tunnel wall. I d-did that thing warlocks and clerics do, to ask for power…”

“Warlocks and clerics?” Kravitz stares at him. “Those are… very different magical professions.”

“N-Not really,” Barry says. “They’re pretty similar. Warlocks c-can just do weirder stunts, usually, since they’re bound to, uh, weirder… less conventional entities.”

“If you put it that way, I suppose…”

“So the Raven Queen l-let me channel her magic f-for, uh--to heal you, because I’m garbage at it, a-and you got portal-warped away.”

Kravitz finds he’s less surprised than he thought that Barry would save him. He did tell him to duck just before he was hit, after all. “You’d think, with such a skill for moving life energy around, that one would be good at healing.”

Barry laughs. “Yeah! But, well, m-most of what necromancy does is, uh, pretty temporary. And I-I also thought that sort of magic might be, er, bad for you? Being what you are? So…”

“Huh,” Kravitz says. “Well, I do appreciate you taking the precaution. You weren’t too off the mark with that thought.” He regrets voicing that last bit when Barry starts scribbling something down in his notebook again.

Barry flips a few pages. “There’s a c-coven of sorts, uh, down south…”

Down south, there is indeed a coven: a trio of witches who have been exploiting a leak between the Astral and Material planes to steal souls. Kravitz hasn’t been able to find its exact location before; some clever shielding has thrown him off at each attempt, so he’s been waiting for a better shot.

“How ‘bout I go in first this time?” Barry asks when they arrive, and Kravitz lets him. He’s getting the vague sense of being tricked, of this slow-building trust being a ruse, but he hasn’t been disappointed so far.

Within minutes, Kravitz feels the nearby enchantments thin out, and his sense of the nearby necrotic energy sharpens. Barry walks into his field of vision surrounded by three darker cloaked figures.

“Weird, right?” Barry is saying as they walk. “A-And if you apply that to, uh, Shillelagh, you can actually--it’s possible to cast it on y-your own hand. It does get st-stuck as a fist, though. Haven’t figured out how to, uh, circumvent that one.”

Kravitz starts stepping through shadows, sneaking around behind them.

One of the witches perks up. “I feel somethin’, Bluejeans. What the hell did you--”

And then there’s a flash of fire that burns away all the plants on the ground, guided by Barry’s subtle hand movements. On a whim, Kravitz takes on the flames and shapes it into a molten golem around himself. The witches screech as Barry shapes the remaining fire into a ring enclosing them all.

“Witches of Goldmire Coven,” comes Kravitz’s voice, crackling and rasping, dripping with lava that becomes black stones on the ground before him. “I am pleased to inform you that your rift has been located, and you’ve won a free vacation to the Eternal Stockade.”

He takes them in one swing.

“You know,” Barry says as he puts out the fire and Kravitz sheds the golem, “Without m-my fire ring, they could--they would’ve escaped d-during that speech.”

“You underestimate me,” Kravitz says. With good reason, he doesn’t add. “But the risk is worth some flair, Barry.”

Barry laughs. “You’d like Lup and Taako.” Then, with a look Kravitz can’t quite discern, he adds, “H-He’d like you too.”

It’s three more bounties and nearly ten hours later when Kravitz finally asks, “You already knew the Bell wasn’t with any of these people, didn’t you?”

Barry sighs. “Y-Yeah. But it helped you out, right?”

“Immensely,” Kravitz admits. “But it doesn’t mean… Barry, you’re not hoping for a reduction on your sentence, are you? Because I can’t really--”

“N-No, no, I know,” Barry says quickly. “It’s--those people were all, uh, really awful. And I would--I think I’d have someone disappointed i-in me if I didn’t take such a good o-opportunity to, uh, get ‘em caught.” He leafs through his notebook a bit more. “That’s all.”

“So, then,” Kravitz says, “Would it be too much to hope that you don’t really know where the Grand Relic is?”

“It would,” Barry offers him a wry smile and tears a page out of his notebook. “M-Might as well go ahead w-with it now, when I can--when there’s still a good a-amount of time on the clock.”

He folds the paper over and hands it to Kravitz. “Th-those are coordinates. In the middle of the, uh, Felicity Wilds. The Animus Bell a-and both of its current holders are all--they’re within a one-hundred-foot radius of, uh, that location, so… y-you’ll definitely be able to tell if you’re in r-range.”

“The Felicity Wilds…” Kravitz looks at the coordinates, trying to recall anything he’s found there before.

“It’s called Wonderland. I-I’m not coming with you on this one, and I think--I mean, I swear I’m not being patronizing when I s-say this, but y-you shouldn’t go after it either.”

“And why’s that?”

“Th-they do this weird thing… uh, they’re liches wh-who use the Bell as a s-sort of lure, and they manage to--they utilize other people’s emotions for power i-instead of just their own. They’ve generated a-a whole building designed for, for misery, and it’s i-incredibly dangerous.”

Barry must be able to tell from Kravitz’s face that he’s not convinced, because he continues with, “B-But if you’re going there anyway, I-I… Okay. Th-they’re probably, uh, anchored to each other, being siblings. Word has it they started Wonderland when they lost someone. I-if you manage to, uh, get one of them, they other should destabilize.”

Kravitz nods. “Well, thank you for the help--”

“Oh, and their n-names are, uh… Lydia and Edward.”

Kravitz’s blood turns icier than usual, and he faces away from Barry. “Good to know.” He looks down at the coordinates. “I think I’ll take your advice for the time being, then, and regroup. I appreciate the assistance.”

“Yeah,” Barry says, awkward confusion evident in his voice. “No worries. O-Oh, and, about our deal--”

“It’s done. Both ends have been completed. You’re back on my list in…” Kravitz thinks for a moment, “eleven hours and fourteen minutes.”

Barry nods slowly, and they both stand there for a moment. “Do you want… to get lunch?”

“Neither of us eats.”

“Right, right, right,” Barry nods. “Well. Good luck with, uh, stuff. S-See you around, buddy.”

So once again, in a flash of light, Barry Bluejeans is gone. And for the first time, Kravitz doesn’t have to worry about where Barry’s gone or what the hell he’s doing.

He’ll deal with it later.

[a-woman-apart]

Advocating for Myself as a Patient

A/N: This post will contain statements about medication and dosages as well as diagnoses and diagnostic criteria. This post is not meant to serve as medical advice. If you are having any issues with your medication, it is important to consult your medical professionals for advice. If you are experiencing an emergency, scroll to the bottom for emergency information.

Okay, it’s story time.

For a little background, I will mention the different tools I use for tracking my symptoms. The most recent tool I picked up was recording voice diaries on my phone; I record these and listen to them back, and it gives me a sense of how my mood changes through the day. Another tool I utilize is journaling in a private written journal, and to a lesser extent writing these Tumblr posts. I also record cravings, mood shifts, and physical symptoms in my Clue App, which is a free app I use for tracking my menstrual cycle.

My diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, but my original diagnosis was bipolar I with psychotic features. There is a lot of overlap between the disorders, but I feel like the schizoaffective diagnosis encourages a more liberal and centralized use of antipsychotics as a part of the treatment plan. I am willing to accept, though, that I may not be fully correct on this, because antipsychotics/neuroleptics may be utilized in bipolar I with psychotic features as well (this was confirmed by my psychiatrist). Here is a list of all the antipsychotics that I’ve been prescribed—that I can remember.

Seroquel

Risperidone

Invega

Abilify

Seroquel and risperidone both caused appetite changes, fine tremors, and extreme lethargy. When I expressed a desire to be removed from them, I was placed on the Invega injection. Invega was quite effective—for years actually— but it had the unfortunate side effect of causing an irregular menstrual cycle. This is because most antipsychotic medications simulate a hormone known as prolactin, and this is a hormone involved with pregnancy in women (and can cause breast development in men). Over time, my prolactin levels became elevated and it all came to a head when I bled for 40/50 days during a 2-month period. This was the opposite of the usual period scarcity that occurred with it before. I was removed from the Invega. I went to my PCP (Primary Care Physician) and was placed on birth control to re-regulate my cycle.

To replace the Invega, I was placed on an atypical antipsychotic known as Abilify. Abilify is associated with less severe elevation of prolactin levels. I was placed on an extremely small dose of 2mg, to be taken at night. I noticed favorable results for a few weeks, with my sleep cycle regulating. I would wake up early and feel rested.

However, this underlying anxiety started to creep in. I felt ill at ease at even familiar situations, such as at work and with regards to school. Even though I can no longer remember—and don’t have exact records of how much this coincided with the discontinuation of Invega and the introduction of Abilify—my Clue app says that I marked “stressed” for my mood every day except once since May 13th, 2019. I am incredibly grateful to have that evidence. This tells me that my symptoms began to be bad about a month ago.

It is important to note that during this time, I was also on two other medications: 900mg of lithium each night for mood-stablization and 37.5mg of Effexor (Venlafaxine) every afternoon for depression relief. I had been using the Effexor to improve my depression symptoms, and while I had noticed a slight uptake in anxiety around when I started it, it leveled off (or so I thought) as the time went on. This will be important later.

My anxiety first started as a kind of discomfort and general irritability and impatient feeling. I was seeing my main psychiatrist regularly, but I ended up seeing a different one when I went for a follow up. The new psychiatrist was pretty understanding, and she also warned me that if I started to experience anger or anything out of character that I should come back in and increase the Abilify. What psychiatrist B told me was in line with what psychiatrist A had said before, and I was skeptical, but I agreed to follow her instructions.

The reason I was skeptical was because even though the Abilify was helping me with sleep, I did feel more on edge since taking it. I agreed, though, because I was not sure if it was the addition of Abilify or just the withdrawal from Invega that was causing my symptoms. Having been on birth control for a month at that point and knowing that that could also affect mood, I was open to just trying what the doctors recommended.

I tried to be patient, but I noticed myself getting a lot worse, starting about 2-3 weeks ago. I felt more emotional and less stable. I began to feel like crawling out of my skin. I would have to consciously control my breathing. Looking back, I can see that I was beginning to have anxiety attacks, but I did not understand what they were.

I tried everything within my power to control my symptoms. I had previously starting exercising regularly, being more conscious about my diet, and getting more sunlight and fresh air. I walked literally miles every week, and sometimes I would walk just to try to control the anxiety. I went back to doctor A and he increased my Abilify. Now in addition to the 2mg I took at night, I was to take 2mg in the morning.

The first day(s) after the medicine was increased, I had horrendous migraines/tension headaches. I could feel literal knots in my neck, and I remember having to massage them out when I came home from work that day. I believe that it was around that time that I also began to have some gastrointestinal symptoms that would only continue to worsen as time went on. Some mornings I would wake up feeling like a gremlin was trying to knife its way out of my abdomen and I would have to rush to the bathroom. I felt nauseous all the time, and sometimes I could only have toast and tea in the morning or a smoothie because I couldn’t stomach anything else.

Meanwhile, the mood lability worsened. I literally went from laughing to crying within the space of thirty minutes. I would have mood diaries where I was rambling at top speed, and then others—within the same day— where I spoke painfully slow. I felt anxious, energetic, and optimistic all at once, while at the same time feeling tired, irritated, despondent, and feeling as though I wanted to jump out of my skin. I had racing thoughts and flight of ideas. I felt like I wanted to escape myself, while at the same time feeling derealized and outside my body. It was the most uncomfortable, disconcerting, and dysphoric sensation I had felt in a long time—if ever.

While this was happening, I knew something was very, very wrong. I kept telling my boyfriend that I didn’t feel right. I kept trying to explain that I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts, while at the same time wanting more desperately than anything to live. I told him that I wanted to go to inpatient because I felt like I wasn’t safe with myself. He was able to calm me down enough to stop me from checking myself into the hospital. He was convincing, alright, but a big part of why I didn’t go was because my clothes weren’t clean, and it was almost too late to go to the laundry mat. I was planning to pack a bag so that I could wear what I wanted at inpatient.  

Before you criticize his decision to stop me, please note two things;

A)     The hospitals in my area are all trash

B)     Even if I went as a voluntary patient, if they decided I was a danger to myself, they could keep me indefinitely, and that might’ve caused me to lose my job

I think my boyfriend had assessed the situation—including realizing that it was Sunday and I could go to my clinic as a walk-in on Monday— and just had more faith in me that I had in myself. I felt like I was completely losing control of my faculties, and he saw that I was speaking coherently. Let me tell you, it is an awful feeling to feel like you’re going crazy and everyone is just like, “You’re fine.”, because even if you know they are right, you still have this pervasive feeling that you cannot be trusted. Even though my health and safety are much more important than any job or anything, I think my boyfriend knew I was having an anxiety attack and didn’t want me to behave rashly.

We will call what happened the next day, “visit one”. At this point, I am sleeping less and less, which is the #1 indicator that I am going to have a manic episode. I am now starting to panic even more because I know that once I’m fully manic, I’ll be totally delusional, and it will be too late to dial it back. I am at the clinic within minutes of it opening, so I can speak to psychiatrist #3 quickly, even though I am coming in as a walk-in. She is warm and welcoming, and I liked her instantly. I am talking to her as fast as I can, trying to explain my symptoms—especially the anxiety—she is furiously taking notes and nodding, and she goes, “Don’t worry, I’m going to prescribe you something.”

She ended up prescribing me Hydroxyzine, which is an antihistamine (think Benadryl) at 10mg to be taken up 3 times daily. I took the medicine once I got home, and then I called in to work because I still felt incredibly sick to my stomach, and I wanted to be sure this medicine wouldn’t make me too drowsy to function (it pretty much did).

I continued taking the medicine for a few days. It did not fully help with the anxiety and mood instability; it just made me too sleepy to fully respond to them. The “edge” was still there. The sleeplessness was getting worse. The nausea was getting worse, despite psychiatrist #3 saying that the Hydroxyzine would help with that.

At this point, I was so desperate, I felt justified in going to my PCP on Thursday. This was “visit two.” I wanted to see if the birth control could have been causing some of my symptoms, and I felt like if I got more information, I could have something more concrete to give to my psychiatrist.

It is important to note that I now always take detailed notes to all my doctor appointments. I detail my symptoms and the questions I need to ask. Doctors do have a tendency to interrupt and not fully hear what I am saying, but the notes at least help us to stay on track and provide some foundation to the visit. It is much more helpful to be able to proactively tell them exactly what is going on, than it is to just wait for them to ask from a generic list of questions that may not cover everything I am experiencing. So yes, I am “that patient”, but my health anxiety is so intense that I want to cover not just what is wrong but also phantom other things that could even possibly be wrong just so that I get everything I can from the visit. I do not want to go away saying “I wish I had asked about X.” I would rather ask too many questions than not enough.

My doctor—who is awesome, by the way— consulted with her superior and then told me that they did not believe that it was the birth control. It was then that I remembered that I had already been on the birth control for over a month before these symptoms started, and symptoms would not approach out of nowhere. The birth control was doing its job of regulating my periods, and it was even possible that the hormones were helping—rather than hurting— my mood. My doctor then recommended a probiotic to deal with my gastrointestinal issues and told me to talk to my psychiatrist about the Abilify.

Fast forward today—Friday— and I am back at my psych clinic before it even opens. I have already decided that I want to see either psychiatrist #1, #2, or #3 and I do not want to see anybody new. Psychiatrist #2, who usually does Friday walk-ins is out on vacation and my heart sinks a little. So, I ask if, even if I have to wait longer, can I please see #1 or #3 and the front desk girl tells me that she will try her best, even though it isn’t their policy.

I once again only wait a few minutes before being called back, and who Is it but #3! She was like, “You’re back!” but she seems genuinely excited to see me. I update her on how the Hydroxyzine has been working and tell her that I’m still anxious. I explain the mood lability and wanting to jump out of my skin. I told her that my sleep patterns were worsening. She tells me that Abilify is a good drug and it is a small dose, but it isn’t for everyone. She had begun to recommend an anti-anxiety medication but hesitated.

Then my dramatic ass decides to read the “statement” I had prepared for her (or whoever would’ve seen me that day).

Here is that statement:

“Please help me. I know I come to you seeming very together, but my symptoms are overwhelming, and I need help. I plan to start attending groups here at ___________. I am doing everything I can. I do not want to take another antipsychotic. I believe I have been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, because my psychotic symptoms have always been accompanied by mood disturbances. I believe my previous diagnosis of bipolar I with psychotic features is the correct diagnosis. I also believe I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.”

That was when she went on to tell me that they still used antipsychotics for bipolar I with psychotic features, but that we could reduce the Abilify back to just 2mg nightly if that would make me feel better. She inquired a little about how I came to be diagnosed schizoaffective, but she did not address the possible GAD yet (I will definitely bring it up again if anxiety persists). Then she said she would discontinue the Effexor, because she made the connection between how antidepressants could cause mania. She said, “You’ll feel much better- trust me.”

As I had said, the Effexor would be important later. In all my calculations, I had never made that connection. I said, “Even though I was taking it all this time?” and she said, “Yes.” She also told me that I could discontinue it without tapering off because I was still at such a small dosage. She did not use the term “mixed mania” but when I mentioned the sleep disturbances was when she finally determined, “this is mania.”  

Finally—and this is the climax— she increased my lithium from 900mg to 1200mg. I would take one 600mg pill capsule in the morning and one at night (rather than taking both at night). It was still morning, so she told me I could begin taking the drug immediately.

Y’all, let me tell you, I feel a little drowsy/out of it, but just from that one pill I feel so much better. Yet it took literally 2 weeks of advocating for myself and 4 doctor visits to get to right now. I made it. I have always said that lithium is the only medication that I feel really works for me, and it also has the lowest side effects for me. The only thing that I can point to is excessive thirst, and that just means I carry water with me everywhere daily. That is a small price to pay for mental health.

I did end up calling in to work today—because of my stomach, but also because of being exhausted and trying to adjust to the lithium— and I’m just trying to take it easy. Honestly my stomach feels much better now that I am not a living ball of anxiety. It can be extremely frustrating to lose so much time and to jump through so many hoops, but I am fighting for my life here. My job might really need me today, but ultimately if I am hospitalized, they will find someone else for the position. I must learn to value myself, because to everyone else, I’m replaceable.

Here is the tl;dr:

·        Always advocate for yourself

If you don’t like what a doctor has to say to you, then find another one. Keep looking until you find the one that listens to you/hears what you are trying to say.

 ·        Trust your body

If you don’t feel right, trust that shit. Only you know you. I know some of us have hypochondria/health anxiety, but if you feel that something is wrong you should seek out an answer that will give you piece of mind.

 ·        Keep a list of questions to ask your doctor

It is so incredibly easy to get off track once you get to your doctor appointment or to allow them to dominate the conversation. Listen to their answers, but get a second opinion if it doesn’t feel right.

 ·        If you are in crisis, call emergency services

I really don’t recommend doing what I did and trying to just white knuckle it until the next morning. It worked for me because I’ve been managing my symptoms for years. That, or I just got lucky. Either way, if you have a desperate urge to harm yourself/someone else, or if your symptoms are otherwise overwhelming you should definitely either check yourself into treatment or call emergency services. Your clinic usually also has a support hotline you can call.

 Suicide prevention hotline:

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Prevention Hotline Chat

Crisis Text Line

[hemsworths-chris]

tag games galore

heyo! i’ve been tagged in a shitload of tag games recently, but i haven’t had time for them. well, i’ve got some time on my hands now, so let’s go! 

NUMBER ONE: we rowed out across the hudson at dawn - shut up, sandhya

anyways, tagged by the lovely @gabrielledelacour​; thanks, love!

5 things you’ll find in my bag (wait what kind of bag is this)

my phone, and its accessories (adapter, earbuds etc)

a book (i dunno how large this bag is but)

lip balm

a pencil (or probably way too much stationary)

um shit i dunno i don’t usually carry handbags and stuff

5 things in my bedroom

books

books

MORE BOOKS

posters and shit

just school related stuff

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

WRITE A NOVEL

discover something new!

make people proud

literally just have an unproblematic group of friends

find something to be passionate about :)

5 things that make me happy

amazing additions to tumblr posts in the tags

being with my friends

debating

listening to music (atm, preferably hamilton)

writing and reading incredible things!

5 things that I’m currently into

hamilton

harry potter

tumblr

actually studying for the amc 10 (kinda)

playing the viola!

5 things on my to-do list

learn html and/or calligraphy

study for literature

make new friends!

write up this fic i’ve had running through my mind for god knows how long

stay away from toxic people tbh

5 things you may not know about me

i type abnormally quickly

i can raise one eyebrow at a time

i will take algebra over geometry and chem/physics over bio any day of the week

my favorite youtube channels are vlogbrothers and lssc!

i do my a’s like “a”, rather that the more typical one that’s an oval with the line by it 

that was fun! next one: tagged by @ginnweasley​, @gentleginny, @oblviqte, @pomonasprowt, @ohremvs, and @peterpettiness; thanks!

RULES: you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. put your music on shuffle, and list the first 10 songs and tag 10 people.

right off the bat: for the most part, i listen to hamilton these days, but i’ll be shuffling it from my personal playlist.

1. Lock Me Up - The Cab

2. Centuries - Fall Out Boy

3. I’m So Sorry - Imagine Dragons 

4. Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

5. All I Want - Kodaline

6. Absolutely Final Goodbye - Christina Grimmie 

7. This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

8. Politiclash - PAINT (Jon Cozart)

9. Young and Beautiful - Lana Del Rey

10. Riptide - Vance Joy

and also, some song recs! all the ones listed, and the following: literally everything by fall out boy, american money (BØRNS), electric love (also BØRNS), gasoline (halsey), cities (nat and alex wolff), in your pocket (maroon 5), maps (maroon 5), angel in blue jeans (train), boulevard of broken dreams (green day, of course), cake by the ocean (DNCE)

next! tagged by my favorite person in the universe, @bauqelaire - too good for this world, too pure.

1) last song you listened to: shit i don’t remember, probably something from hamilton

2) three shows on your watch list: sherlock, the late show with stephen colbert, maybe supernatural or supergirl or friends or something (i don’t watch much tv)

3) best concert you’ve ever been to: i mean i’ve only ever been to one, a katy perry concert in 5th grade with @hearing-from-my-lawyers and another friend. and while we’re being mainstream, it was pretty lit!

4) last person you hugged: probably my mom

5) favorite flower: orchid!

6) least favorite type of jewelry: anklets, i can’t stand them!

7) favorite band/singer: the cast of hamilton, fall out boy, BØRNS

8) if you could dye your hair any colour what would it be: my hair is black, so probably a shade of blue, or maybe green - any ideas? i probably won’t tho

9) greatest compliment you have ever received: i really don’t recall, sorry

10) if you had to choose 2 of your friends to live on an island with, who would they be: @hearing-from-my-lawyers and either the 1st speaker on my debate team, a certain rock (not dwayne lol), or @leonine13

11) you’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy: prob vanilla cuz i’m basic

my questions: just do these, i don’t have time to think of more and they’re really good questions

here’s a long one! tagged by the amazing @boat-face-mcgee

rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, have fun! 

a - age: 14


b - biggest fear: being unimportant, and bees

c - current time: 7:51 pm


d - drink you last had: water

e - every day starts with: waking up and wishing i could sleep longer


f - favourite song: wait for it, from hamilton (i think??? there are loads of songs that i love tbh)


g - ghosts, are they real: in a metaphorical sense, absolutely; in a real sense, i’ve seen no real proof for either side of the argument so i can’t judge


h - hometown: i’d rather not say, but it’s in Silicon Valley!


i - in love with: my family and friends :)

j - jealous of: basically everyone tbh, but esp people who seem to succeed at life and school easily; i mean, they put in effort, but it always works out for them!

k - killed someone: my innocence


l - last time you cried: this morning bc i’m pathetic


m - middle name: don’t have one


n - number of siblings: zero

o - one wish: to get into a good high school; alternatively, for lin-manuel miranda to randomly decide to reprise his role of alexander hamilton for the 8 pm performance of hamilton in sfo in late march (i can’t recall the date rip)

p - person you last called/texted: the best friend!

q - questions you’re always asked: are you in *insert some grade 2-3 grades higher than what i actually am*? bc i’m tall

r - reasons to smile: friends! sunshine! pandas! fluffy fanfics!

s - song last sang: idk


t - time you woke up: around 10:10 am

u - underwear color: ...blue...

w - worst habit: i bite my nails! it’s really bad but i just can’t stop!


x - x-rays you’ve had: 2, once when i broke my finger and once when i broke my toe

y - your favourite quote: “It is a far, far better thing I do, than I have ever done ; it is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known.” -Sydney Carton (my problematic fave), A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens (that quote was listed by @boat-face-mcgee, but i love it too! i don’t really have a favorite, though, since are so many i love)

z - zodiac sign (but also myers-briggs) : Sagittarius, ENFP

next one: also tagged by @bauqelaire!

rules: tag nine people you want to get to know better

relationship status: single, thankfully

favorite color: turquoise or navy blue!

lipstick or chapstick: chapstick

last song i listened to: i dunno, sorry

last movie i watched: part of the first indiana jones movie, i think

top 3 tv shows: atla, lssc, basically anything on the food network 

top 3 characters: (just three??? what???) sirius black, remus lupin, aaron burr, and since i can’t follow rules, finnick odair, june iparis, and hermione granger

top 3 ships: j i l y, odesta, blackinnon

books i’m currently reading: hamlet for school, and the fbawtft screenplay!

for this next one, i was tagged by @pickettandnewt

1 Song : the room where it happens, from hamilton

2 Movies : fbawtft, and moana!

3 Shows : the late show with stephen colbert, atla, friends

4 People : i’ll just tag 4 of my fave tumblr users: @peppermintparvati, @fjrebolt, @emmelinevvance, @nargles (feat. @lumox!) (oh and also my irl friends: @hearing-from-my-lawyers, @emofandomgirl, @leonine13 and @aweami543)

5 Foods : boba, mozzarella sticks, asian eggplant, malai kofta (i could swim in the stuff tbh), paneer paratha

there are a few more that i’ve been tagged in, but i’ve tried not do anything that i’ve done before.

tagging: @chodear​, @nargles​, @grriphook​, @mxrcusflint​, @emmelinevvance​, @bauqelaire​, @fjrebolt​, @snuffls​, @hearing-from-my-lawyers​, @lumox​, @padampatil​, @cedricdiggory​, @dailyprophet​, @jilys​, @hogsmecd​, @gxnnyweasley​, @pctter​, @pcnsypcrkinson​, @winterblackburned​, @jamespottuh​, @softprongs​, @tragedys​, and anyone else who wants to do them! you can do as many or as few as you want; i love you all!