#mixed mania

[ittakesrain]

[queer-bipolar-support]

god. am i fucking him? or is he fucking me?

[larphis]

You know it’s so unbelievably heartbreaking to me how after the trailer came out - and we saw that scene with Ed at the steering wheel - we all collectively thought “aww babygirl is pining and daydreaming about wanting his boyfriend back 🥹” when in actuality the man was starting his third suicide attempt in a week that very moment.

[mariposas8494]

Mixed episodes be like…

[squeiky]

The audacity of existence.

How dare you be concieved. To be blessed with the touch of angels, you golden haired goddess. How dare you force your reflection upon mine. The audacity to mirror me.

YOU.

I hate you. You are my purgatory, and hell resides within your dastardly light. You are the anthesis to my existance, my purpose, my life. Tormet me by image alone.

Do you know how much you have pained me? How much the mere sight of you, has distorted me? Ruined me? Hurt me? Questions your existance has plauged in my mind?

Look at you, my loathsome copy. You are nothing like me.

So then why?

Why does the universe kiss you gently upon a flushed cheek then heckle and spit on mine? Why are you the beloved golden duckling whilst i remain the unwanted black swan?

Why is it me who must rid myself of my body, blood, and mind. Discarding me of myself to end you? I have done nothing short of effort. I have given myself all to destroying you, to riding the world of you. Yet they love you. They do not love me.

We resemble eachother more than anyone else ever will. It is cruel a fate, to be devoted entirely to destroying a twisted reflection of myself. Burdened by both our images, drowning me in hatred made for both us. Yet you remain free, whilsy i remain prisioner.

It feels, as i seek to destroy you, i destroy myself. So i do. Over and over again. Yet you remain unscathed, bright and beautiful. Whilst i remain broken, left to rot in the mud. Helpless. Afraid. Alone.

Thinking.

What must i do? Who must i be to be kissed by the same light that dared to birth you?

Must i purge myself of all things to simply taste a fraction of it? How will i outshine you? Must I transform my body till there is nothing of me left, just to feel your light crushed beneath mine? Must i erase myself completly? Must i become you? Must i be you?  Must i place my hands against your neck? My lifeless material crushing your ugly flesh to finally hear the last of your breath. Must i feel everyones glare peirce through my unending spine, wishing nothing but breaking every metal bone instead of me?

Must i take their love and desire and rip it from their broken hearts, forcing them to kneel before me and drag your dead light upon me? Must i become king of all things, living, dead and unalive, before i get a fraction, a mere TASTE of your life?

Is that what the world desires of me?

Is THAT what it takes?

my loathsome copy. Your existance is what destroys me. You are everything without me but i am nothing without you.  Yet i am made to end you. To destroy the only thing, the only purpose i have in life.

You all look down upon me. Even my creator, cant seem to look at me without seeing you. Forever i am compared to you. Forever i think of only you. Forever i am destroyed by you. Forever i am devoted to destroying you. Forever i am afriad. Forever i am chained, cursed to this wretched body, reflecting you.

YOU.

I hate you. I loathe you.

....

What a cruel existance to be born, you and I.

I hope when i choke you death, you'll burn me alive.

[silkense]

bipolar

[detentiontrack]

btw just giving this disclaimer preemptively: if i start posting weird things (or weirder things than normal) i promise i didn’t relapse and i promise i’m still sober. i’ve been sober for a while now. my bipolar is just getting bad again and i might be going into an episode

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

if you think heaven’s gate and bishop’s knife trick are the only songs that redeem mania, you still have some internal searching you need to do. mania is a good album, and that’s not just because it has heaven’s gate or just because it has bishop’s knife trick. it’s because it’s a good album. young and menace is a good song. sunshine riptide is a good song. hold me tight or don’t is a good song. the only reason you’ve been led to believe they’re lacking is because of racism, whether or not it’s externalized.

[tittyinfinity]

it's crazy finding out you're autistic as an adult bc then you start to notice the ways it affects you and has affected you throughout life

and then it becomes a hyperfixation bc you're like "omg this makes so much sense now" and you start feeling a bit better about yourself knowing that there's an explanation to everything

[ittakesrain]

The details are fuzzy. I’m really not sure how it started or what happened.

I mean. I’m 31 and this shit has been happening since I was a teenager. So I knowwwww what’s happening.

It’s insane to me that it comes out of literally nowhere.

I couldn’t focus. It was like someone used that flashy thing from Men In Black and gave me instant amnesia.

Idk if I was just mad bc I once again went suddenly brain dead. Or if the mood stuff just happening simultaneously.

But I feel like I’ve been consistently depressed for months and it’s been a day and a half.

I was so motivated this week. So it’s really a goddamn shame.

Ugh.

[221bluescarf]

This week hasn't been great. I've been extra on edge. Now suddenly im having bursts of euphoria followed by complete emotional overload. My brain is like mud but every inch of my body is on fire. Then I'm fine. Then it starts all over again. I'm singing! I can't stop smiling! and then I feel awful and I can't take this. Yet I feel like I have to continue. I can't decide. Am I sleeping tonight? What if I blossom? what if it makes a beautiful explosion and I feel alive for once in what feels like an eternity of nothing? I can do everything and I can do nothing. I spent all last night talking to myself and life isn't real anymore. I'm a sucker and I'm weak. Let it all burn.

[undedkat]

me while at baseline: yeah i don't really feel disabled by my bipolar disorder? i mean i'm not physically disabled or have lissencephaly or something

me during a mixed episode: ...oh

[adhdstudybitch]

How do you explain to your therapist and psych NP, without causing them great concern, that while you never actually want to cause physical harm to others, you spend a lot of time thinking about it? Like I've physically hurt people before (elementary school fights that I didn't start, for the record) and I haaaaaate it. But my brain is like "wouldn't it be cathartic to hurt these people as much as they hurt you?" The answer is probably absolutely not, but those thoughts. They are not comfortable thoughts.

....then again, now that I realize I'm in a mixed episode, these might be intrusive thoughts. For someone who's spent so much time researching bipolar disorder and literally did a presentation in Abnormal Psych about bipolar II, in which I publicly corrected my professor's misinformation, you'd think I'd know more about this. Then again, the definition and criteria has changed a bit since the DSM-5, when I was in my psych program.

I need more bipolar friends. This shit gets lonely.

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

[ID: A four panel meme that has Drake, a black man with a beard, a puffy red coat, and a t-shirt, labeled as “my brain” purposefully looking away from a panel of black text on a white background that says:

“giving me manic episodes that are completely separate from my depressive episodes and are consistent in length.”

The third panel is Drake, still labeled as “my brain”, pointing to the final panel, smiling. The last panel says:

“A fucking mixed episode lasting longer than my usual separate episodes combined.”

end ID]

[mariposas8494]

Clusterfuck if emotions 😅

[cringe-is-inevitable]

my mixed episodes are so fucking stereotypical one day I'll be like

):

and the next I'll be like

:DDD !!!!11!!1!!! (:(:(:::::::::DDDDDD# (:(::: :DDDDDDD

and I do not appreciate it like bro chill tf out