#everything ive been upset about just spirals and i literally cannot do a thing about it

[bunnyboy-juice]

me (not joking, very stressed): i think im going to have a mental breakdown if something else goes wrong here.

everyone irl: hahahhahaa ur so funny(:

[lesbiacnh]

when i really needed a day off for mental health (two weeks ago) (after a family members funeral) i COULDNT take off. now that things have calmed down (at home and at work) my boss was like omg do you still need a day off

[ripplestitchskein]

Brace yourselves Stolitz fans, I think it’s gonna get bumpy. We kind of already knew that but I think it might go longer than we hoped?

So last night I shared my Stolitz pic with my DnD group, I’m doing art for their characters and we have an art space in our game discord and a few of them watch Hazbin and HB. An IRL friend who is also an HB fan asked about the OC in the pic and I shared it was based on the rumor that Stolas is getting a new boyfriend, they could be a parrot potentially voiced by Harvey Guillen but that this was not confirmed or anything. He said “HMMMM that jives with what her assistant told us.”

I’m like “What! Tell me. “

I guess while waiting in line for her to sign for the person in front of them at Mega they were chatting with an assistant and said they loved Look My Way and were interested in where the Stolas and Blitzø story was going. The assistant said they had seen the rest of Season 2 and “You may not love the way it goes if you like the coupling”.

I spiraled immediately, like full on upset. Bitch I cried. I’ve spent hours analyzing this cartoon and that broke me a bit. I’m not necessarily concerned with my ships being “endgame”, I’ve shipped lots of couples that rarely interact just for interesting dynamics. Or couples where one half is literally dead in canon, where they are mortal enemies and not in an enemies to lovers way etc. It just seemed so final and is contradictory to everything the show has setup so far and what I’ve been enjoying about the show and it really fucked me up if I’m honest. I also have a really bad brain though and I know this. I’m not equipped to rationally think about it.

I hesitated to even share what was said because I dislike bumming anyone out but as a speculation and spoiler goblin I’d also like people to share with me so I can prepare myself?

Ive had some time to sit and process and cope a bit “is that information really that different than what we have already?” And the short answer is no, not really. It’s also like their job to tease fans. It was also one sentence I didn’t even actually hear with my own ears lol. My brain just did what it does and took it to the worst place. I took it as “they are killing it completely” and are about to destroy the only reason I enjoy this show so much. Which maaaaay have been an over reaction but I can’t like, help that.

I just honestly cannot fathom how they could so sharply pivot at this point and have it make sense? I can’t fathom why they even would. I don’t even know what role Stolas could possibly have in that scenario. I think that was what upset me the most, Stolas is my favorite and his entire character within the world of the show is completely dependent on his ties to Blitzø to be part of the narrative because he has no ties to IMP outside of it. The idea of him being shelved, even temporarily, is upsetting to me. The show so far is not setup to view characters lives outside of Blitzø and IMP so I can’t see them having Stolas go off and do his own thing without removing him from the narrative completely.

I’m just sad about it and I think I’m putting too much thought into it. Maybe they just meant what we’ve thought all along and that we wouldn’t be happy because of the boyfriend character, and as I’ve said before the split up absolutely has to happen for them to reconcile and come back together. It is actually a good thing story wise for that to happen but the phrasing (though second hand) just depressed the fuck out of me so I wanted to vent a bit and maybe get some outside perspective from people who’s brains work better than mine. It’s possible this is a situation where i know a thing “Stolas is getting a new boyfriend” because I am terminally online and gobble up every like react and ambiguous emoji and assign meaning to it, and the assistant was just talking about that same information assuming my friend didn’t know that (he didn’t) but because I already knew it I’m assigning new meaning to it as if it’s additional different information. That’s a distinct possibility.

Even if it’s the worst case scenario, I’m not a hate watcher, if I don’t like the direction something is going I bitch a bit in mourning and then remove myself completely. So I’ll see how it plays out and see if it makes sense narratively. Maybe I’ll love the direction, who knows. If it what’s we originally speculated based on the narrative setup so far, the boyfriend character is a catalyst to help Blitzø reconcile his feelings and to let Stolas do his own healing and character development but it all that leads to the completion of the story they’ve been telling up to this point that’s perfect. If it leads to less Stolas and a completely different direction than what we’ve spent 1.5 seasons on so far, I don’t know how I would feel about that. I want it clear though I wouldn’t be mad at the creators, it’s their story they can do what they want, and I’m sure others will enjoy whatever they offer up but I personally would just quietly move on to something else.

I’m interested in how others view the response. Just a tease about the boyfriend, and thinking we’ll be unhappy because of that but ultimately it’s going how its been setup? Or should I break out my violin and start up “Nearer, my God, to thee”. I just really need some better brains to give me some perspective,

[thattranslife]

"You're stronger than you know"

This quote has been my wallpaper on my phone for a few days to try and uplift my emotional state when I look at my phone. They say that we are a generation that cannot live without technology and for the most part I would have to agree. My phone is my life. It's where I can melt into my own little world, be inspired, be seen, and be hurt. Social media plays with your emotions. When your friends tell you that they have no money or they're feeling ill, but actually they're out with everyone but you. When a celebrity has succeeded suicide and the world is in mourning, causing you to feel as though you should be too. When you can follow the person that you're in love with - fall in love with someone else. My phone feels like my lifeline, but now it is the biggest cause for my depression. Waiting for read texts to be answered hours later, being left on sent even though you know they've been online, tracking other people's phones to check they're where they say they are: out of curiosity and/or for their safety, watching a thousand phone calls cross your phone but leaving them unanswered as none of them are the one you want. Phones are amazing creations. You can hear someone's voice in the matter of moments when you need them. But those voices can also break you in seconds. When they talk about someone else when you need to talk about you. When they blame you for everything that's gone wrong, even though they are fully to blame. When they have a go at you even after they've just delivered you suicide provoking news. My phone has been the biggest cause to me doing stupid things. Risking my life. Trying to take my life. Anger, sadness, jealousy...they all lead you to do stupid things if you can't control it, and I used to struggle to control it. I used to sit outside my ex's work in my car, begging for her to stop seeing the other person, promising that I'll forgive her for cheating on me if she will just come back, causing a scene when it turned into screaming matches in the car park because she would use my depression against me. I used to use my anger against people. Hurting them emotionally and physically if something was wrong or I didn't get my way. It used to (literally) drive me to insanity where I'd fly through country roads at unthinkable speeds just to feel something else. I still use my sadness to blame myself for when things go wrong. When things you've worked so hard for eventually don't turn out the way you'd hoped. When life takes you 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. When you're dealt shitty cards and you know you either have to live and play them, hoping for a better hand soon, or give up there and then and not risk taking the gamble. Because that's what life is, one big gamble. You never know what's going to happen. Life could throw anything at you, perhaps all in one go, or bit by bit so it slowly breaks you. Love does that as well. Slowly breaks you. It reaches for your heart and crushes it, twists it and carves into it with the dullest blade possible. You feel as if it may actually just give up because the pain becomes unbearable. It feel as if it will never end. When I first started typing out this blog, I was 99% sure I was going to end my life tonight. I had everything ready. The rope hanging from my pull up bar and my drum stool waiting underneath. This was going to be the note I left behind. I felt as if no one was truly there for me. My dad has shown his true colours and I removed him from my life. My best friend felt as though she couldn't come to me with her problems because she thought I was angry at her for bailing on me last weekend. My mum went to bed upset with me, because I needed to get out of the house to clear my head, but she needed me in because she was in a dark place too...i still left. I felt worthless. I spiralled rapidly into this dark pit that ive been in so many times, but this time it felt so much deeper. I felt as if there was nothing left for me here on this earth. They've always said talk about it, don't keep it bottled up, and I tried. I reached out to try and figure out answers to my problems but I was left on seen. I was delivered and ignored. I was swept under the rug to make room for someone else. Someone that could deal with life better and not be such a handful. Because I know that's what I was. I felt looked at, but not truly seen. My heart being shred to pieces in my outreached hands but no one understanding why, or knowing how to fix me. Tonight, I didn't go on to attempt suicide. I had it ready. I had it all planned out. But I opened my phone to write this message and my screen flashed up with "You're stronger than you know". At that point I realised I needed a final voice. Just some kind words or some wisdom. Just to find that someone didn't want to leave me on seen. I knew there was only one person that I could truly rely on, that wouldn't judge me, wouldn't beat around the bush with me, wouldn't leave my message in their inbox unread, or even reading it and then ignoring it. They weren't the first person to cross my mind. But the first person that did would not have read the message in the first place. Harriet saved my life tonight and she doesn't even know it. I texted her telling her that I felt down and she asked one question: why? I told her my troubles and she sat and typed out a very long but blunt response explaining that all things pass. Heartbreak heals, even if you are meant to be with them because unfortunately not everyone gets that luck with love. She took the time to help me when I knew that no one else would. We talked about surgery. About the house. About the person that I'm in love with. About my father. About life. We talked about her weekend with her boyfriend and i finally felt a glimmer of hope. Hope that i can have a love like her and Tom have. The support they have for each other through thick and thin. She gave me hope that there could be a better path somewhere down this rocky road. One that takes me to a happier me. Life goes on. It almost didn't. But it does. And I feel lighter than ever and ready to get on with my life and give it another try. Tonight, my phone that caused me all the depression and sadness...? It showed me another reason to stay, because I am stronger than I know...sometimes you just need someone to tell you.

[ssauronn]

mmm crossposting a life update here from my twitter w edits bc here its easier to keep tabs on and i dont need to bother my friends unless they want to be bothered so everyone wins. 

 HOLY SHIT so the bitch i fought w over fucking facebook for being an asshole about pulse last year literally destroyed her friendship w my mother over it lmao. for context, she has a disabled child. my mother has kept trying to be kind to this lady because literally my mother did nothing, why the fuck should my beef with her affect her friendship w my mother? previously this dumb shit, lets call her K, got her husband and her shit like-minded right-wing circlejerk 40s+ friends to gang the hell up on me at 18 and started shitting on my mother out of NOWHERE for not "raising me properly", because i was "disrespecting" k, well after the convo had ended on my part. she blocked me, her disabled child also blocked me after asking me to apologize, to which i refused obv. i explained gently to her that i was not about to apologize for calling out her mom bc her biggest only problem w pulse was headlines calling it the worst massacre on american soil w a link to a wikipedia article she apparently didnt fucking read; the only worse ones were in wartimes according to it. (which apparently she read wrong, she thought I meant there were wars when other massacres happened?? like no the only bigger ones there were literally during the civil war and shit like that) I didn’t call her any names, and I certainly didn’t insult her fucking family. her son unfriended me, and ok ok, everythings fine with me, she fucking acted like a martyr when a couple people took my side and claimed i and others (who chimed in arguing more for my perspective because she was way over the top, which was cool tbh) were SO misled and delusional and blocked her so we’ll never learn I guess! when i never did shit but told her to stop talking. I only know this because she didn’t block my mother. Everything’s still cool for me like, K, this is really more of a you problem. Fast forward a year fucking later and my mother has tried to be cordial and nice and all this shit bc theyve been friends for basically their entire lives which is cool like, it's not my life, fucking whatever. but clearly K cannot let anything go, and she’s p rude to my mother anyway, once flippantly bringing up losing her father, like holy shit, are you like 12??? Anyway my mother sent her info about a water park for disabled kids and i guess K ranted at her as a result. i havent seen the convo yet, but ive been told k said my mother 'doesnt control her reality'??? LIKE 

 just. holy shit the original convo over facebook spiraled WAY out of control, and when i was fucking exhausted w her she didnt stop so like.through the whole conversation I kept it as respectful as I fucking could while explaining all this shit.

This is really like the “everything’s really your fault because of your bad attitude and not my doing anything wrong because on top of your bad attitude you’re wrong so clearly your argument is invalid because you’re mad so i don’t have to care bc this is disrespectful! additionally i am correct”

  literally im so tired of all the older folks in my life going thru life sufferjng cuz prides (lol) too big to swallow like ik yall have the resources to get professional help. please i strongly believe no one can go through life on their own and not every layperson you know is properly equipped to help you through shit, and really theres not a fucking point in wrecking your 50 yr old friendship and being actively delusional about it when this totally different person from the one you fought with actively wants to be friendly with you still?? like, contact has been limited by Ks terse responses, not a shortage of my mother trying with this bitch lmao. she started accusing my mother of doing all these things, like making fun of her,lying, making “snide remarks” with no fucking context.  i literally only still give a shjt about this cuz this bitch is fucking things up for someone who waSNT INVOLVED LIKE...,,THIS ISNT A WAR OF HOUSEHOLDS??CHRIST its almost like im my own person lmfao like idgaf if you fuck out of my life forever. but lol literally.. my mother is only involved bc u shat on her parenting lmfao and obv shes not perfect but not for the reasons you're naming, hen, im not a fuckface ill defend her over some bullshit like this because she literally didnt do ANYTHING

edit i have seen the convo if there’s conflict in the narrative that’s why

 K has definitely said a lot of shit that’s just. basically incorrect? and she’s trying to continue her argument w me w my mother lmao

at one point she asked if my mother believed everyone makes their own reality

(like.......................................................... really....?? every separate individual experiences life differently because ultimately the way you interpret your world shapes your experience, so, like.... what???)

she wanted to have a discussion about “what happened last june” like.... seriously, it’s not even my mother’s problem? If you genuinely don’t care about lgbt people dying then I have no reason to care for you. additionally, if you have beef with ME, fucking unfuckingblock me and tell me how ya feel bih lmf

she kept going about how grossly misled I am, how islam is bad and is why things like pulse happen (she Is One Of Those),,, fuck

(in this vein, she told me that homophobia is made up and that I made the word up and it’s not real and doesn’t mean what I thought it did and whatever)

 tbh im  going to contact the child that didn’t block me because he’s old enough to deal and never said anything to me directly and just unfriended me. the things she was saying were things that i doubt mentally well people say, and literally i only care about her to the extent of wow literally don’t fuck with my family for doing jack fucking shit, get some help and sort whatever shit you have out because it was actually you who dragged my mother into this for no other reason than to be all righteous and shit on her. she really shouldnt be dealing with this lmao. Glad you’ve been pressed about me being exhausted for a year. Please see a professional of some kind. 

Additional choice bits i remember:

accused me of going on tangents when I was responding to topics that she brought up,

some old bitch i dont know told me to take a nap over facebook

K said adults “dont lash out” in this text convo from today

previously she also acted all offended that I asked her to stop talking to me, I stopped responding, and she just did what the fuck ever. 

K also said she was upset my mother knew enough about the “situation” to form an opinion about it, like???? how much do you need to know when its pretty clear that if you acted like how you think adults should act you would have shut the fuck up earlier? like when I asked you to stop, when the conversation was already so fucked and had been going for hours because somehow I’m wrong for thinking it’s bad that you only posted this insensitive garbage when 50 people like me got fucking murdered for being in a space meant for them but hey, it’s my fault somehow LMAO 

I LIterally told this bitch to stop talking to me because there’s clearly nothing I can say to change her mind about why it’s bad that your only problem with pulse is vaguely untrue headlines, like what, you wanna fucking downplay it? fuck off. 

she was also all mad about me telling her to stop talking like in the fucking morning like muhh it’s my wall and i’ll do what i want and at night uhh i dont have time to sit on facebook all day so you’re wrong LIKE GOOD BITCH LMAO STOP TALKING TO ME THEN!!!